#she wouldn't be AS distrusted by her community

[transmasc-rose]

I'm thinking about the horror of the Doctor from the perspective of non-companions again, especially as it relates to people those companions know.

Rose? "Ran away" (not wrong) for "a year" (a week) with a "man" (alien) "twice her age" (approximately 50 times her age but yeah, he is Time Lord middle aged), and then gives absolutely no explanation for how or why that happened, except that she was "travelling".

Then when her mum does get an explanation (which, frankly, is only comforting because of the unfamiliarity of the alternative given. The devil you know.), Rose barely checks back in.

She almost dies for him. When she thinks he's dead, she's changed in a way her family doesn't know how to handle. Then she's gone for who knows how long and comes back with the Doctor wearing a new face.

When her original tenure as a companion ends, and Rose lives in Pete's World, she works for Torchwood/UNIT (they become the same organization). She volunteers for the Dimension Cannon. She explains to the alternate earth how to rig up a time machine.

She's changed in ways that no one else can really understand.

Amy? There's everything with River Song of course (though I'm still not there in my viewing), him running away with Amy the night before her and Rory's wedding, and also the connection between the Doctor and the Time Crack being the reason all of Amy's family's dead. Obvious stuff.

However he's also the strange man who broke into this child's house and made a mess of her life that she never got over, that promised to take her away from here, that she wrote about and drew and carved and made her friends dress up as.

And they sent her to psychiatrist after psychiatrist without any help. In their perspective, to work through what she imagined. In her perspective, to tell her that her reality wasn't real.

And then he comes back.

And to some extent, later, when he shows himself to everyone, isn't that more frightening? That the story your child told you, of the strange man she met as a child, of time travel, of nearly being stolen away, hadn't been a lie, or a misinterpretation, or an imagining?

And so he shows up at her wedding. And steals her away again.

Donna I feel like has the least horror until her final episode. I think exploring the in between section of her meeting the Doctor and finding him again would be interesting, but not exactly horror. More an exploration of how obsessive the companions can get about him, how it eats their whole lives with even one encounter, even as it makes them better people.

And then, obviously, the horror of having your mind altered and erased against your will by someone you trusted. For your own good, of course. Because he knows best. How could you know better than him? He's ancient. He's practically all knowing.

Shouldn't you be grateful?

(And he's forgiven.)

[mrsnancywheeler]

the river (3) // finnick odair x f. reader

summary: the Capitol has taken you away from Finnick, the life you've been trying to build together and now he has to fight to get every part of you back

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masterlist

4.6k words

warnings: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, mental illness, self-hate, suicid/l ideation, brainwashing, paranoia, mentions of trafficking, s/h in the form of scratching, breakups, no use of y/n, unedited, President Snow, threats, slightly mean!finnick towards conway

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

Finnick wanted to beg the doctors to see you, but he also was terrified of pushing you into another breakdown. So he'd settled for sitting outside the hospital room’s two-way glass at all times. He didn't sleep, he couldn't, nor eat so he just watched. At first you'd been sedated, but you were relatively calm if untrusting. Which was nothing, especially compared to Peeta who'd tried to kill Katniss. You were quiet, voice small and shaky except when your distrust took over.

A doctor had been trying to get you to swallow some pills with your water which you'd been adamantly refusing, “I don't know what it is."

“It's just a medicine to help fight off any infections you might have." The doctor explained and Finnick was grateful that she was more patient than the others. Yet you still looked uneasy, “We can go over what's in it and what it'll do if you want." The doctor suggested and you slowly, unsurely nodded. They'd showed you the bottle, read to you, and let you read the bottle information before you'd finally agreed to take it.

After hours of this Finnick couldn't help himself anymore, "I want to talk to her.” He abruptly stood from his chair and stared at the medical staff.

"She's calm right now, it might not be wise to do something that could disturb her.”

“Can't you just explain it to her somehow, I'll stay in a chair in the corner, won't move a muscle, you can handcuff me. I need to talk to her." There were sighs, hushed arguments before an agreement was eventually made. So, he stood outside waiting as the doctors tried to convince you to see him.

“Someone wants to see you now, if that's okay. He'll stay right in that chair, won't move at all, if you feel uncomfortable and you call out for us, okay?”

You looked at her, untrusting, "Who?”

She sighed and sat down on the hospital bed with you, she must have decided you were less of a threat and more someone who had to be communicated with. It hurt Finnick to know you'd let a doctor you'd never met so close, but were terrified of him. “You remember that you're married, right?"

“He wants me dead." It was like you couldn't get it off your tongue fast enough.

“No he doesn't." The doctor says, very decidedly and before you can get your next words out she insisted, “We'll all be right outside, so if he did want to kill you we wouldn't let him.”

You shook your head, “No, you wouldn't."

“Why do you think that?"

You laughed a little, “Because I'm a threat, you don't know what I did or didn't reveal, and everyone knows that I…” You trailed off. He couldn't grasp his head around the idea that you were still so attached to that perception of yourself, you did what you had to do, to stay alive.

"Coin granted all the victors rescued immunity. We've got no reason to want you dead.” Silence. You stared at her, she stared back at you. The words must have registered, but you seemed to be too deeply steeped in denial.

“I want to talk to Peeta.” The universe despised Finnick, he was sure of it.

"We can't let you do that.” She said softly.

"Why not?"

"He tried to kill Katniss Everdeen.”

You shook your head, "No, he wouldn't do that. They're just in his head, he'll remember.” The irony of it all, Peeta wanted Katniss dead, and you thought Finnick wanted you gone as well.

“Did they get in your head too?"

You laughed again, “No, no, they didn't."

“Then why do you think Finnick wants you dead?"

You take a deep breath in and sound frustrated, hands bunching up the thin hospital blanket, “They're not in my head! They just showed me what I wasn't paying attention to, I know what happened, and the things I've done. I'm not crazy.” Your voice shook like you were going to cry.

"No one here thinks you're crazy.” Finnick could tell there was more the doctor wanted to say, but was holding out in fear of you devolving. "He will sit in a chair the entire time and no one will let him any closer, I promise you."

Finnick prayed to whatever might have been that they'd let him have a moment, that he'd be able to help you. Your head was buried in your hands, “Okay." You finally muttered and he breathed a sigh of relief.

The doctor smiled, giving an encouraging squeeze to your shoulder as she stood up. Pushing the only chair in the room up against the far wall before exiting. Finnick was anxiously messing with his piece of rope when the doctor finally approached him. “You've got the go ahead, but stay in the chair, no sudden movements, it might startle her enough to make her panic."

“I understand." Finnick nodded and the doctor waited a moment before she opened the door, letting him slowly walk into the bright, white room. And there you were, legs pulled up against your chest like it would give you some extra barrier. He wanted to hold you, to tell you it was all going to be okay, but Snow had even taken that away from him so he sat in the chair. “Hi, sweet girl." He gave a soft smile while you wearily observed him. You were silent though, "Do you know who I am, angel?” He knew you did, but just needed to hear you say something, anything to him.

Every so slowly you nodded, hands rubbing at your neck, "Finnick Odair.”

He hummed a yes,"Mhm, good job. Do you know what we are?” Finnick tilted his head slightly.

You nodded, but it was like the words were stuck in your throat. Squeezing your eyes shut for a second, “I care about you."

He nodded, “We care about each other. We got married, do you remember that?"

“People keep saying it." Stinging pain covered his chest, Snow had taken what was left of your trust, your happiest moments, and left you with the husk of anxiety. “I'm sorry, I can't, I don't know." You hit your head with the bottom of your and started crying.

“Hey, hey, it's okay, don't do that, it's alright!" He wanted to leap up, move your hands away, and have you in his arms. “You don't need to feel bad, angel, can you just tell me what you do know."

Your face became sober almost immediately, “You want to kill me."

“No." He said just as fast, “I'd never want that-"

“You don't have to lie to me, I understand. I can't be trusted, it's a smart move." Hands were back to rubbing your neck.

"What you did to survive all those years ago, when we were teenagers, doesn't mean you're not trustworthy. I trust you." He felt like he was going to cry, he was back at square one, when you'd returned from your games, but now you didn't even trust him.

You shook your head rapidly, “You're trying to get in my head!" There the tears were and his elbows landed on his knees so he could hide the fact his hands served to hide his cries. The world would've been a much kinder place if he was dead, if you were dead, if everyone could just die and stop this endless circle of torture. This was his inescapable boulder he kept pushing up the hill only to see it roll down over and over again, maybe if he'd died the first time around or even in the quarter quell the finality of death would bring peace. His eyes must have been bloodshot when he lifted them from his hands, only to grab the rope again. He needed more rationality to talk to you, this could help him ground himself because if had to live, it had to be with you.

“You used to teach me to tie ropes." You eventually muttered out, curse you and the way you were trying to say something to help him when he was at his weakest, even though you were convinced he wanted you dead.

He looked up from the knot and tried to smile appreciatively even if his eyes were still watery, “Yeah, I did.” He swallowed even though his mouth was completely dry, "I am. I am teaching you to tie ropes.”

You maintained eye contact with him for a while, like you were trying to read into the depths of his soul and he hoped you would find how genuine he was being. You leaned your head back onto the wall, “I could always do most of the knots after the first few times, but I liked it when you would keep helping me.”

"I know.” He missed it, all the times you'd grumble about the activity until he was right behind you, hands on yours where you'd suddenly seem a lot less aggravated. Then you were sobbing and he dug his hands into the chairs arms rests to force himself to stay seated. Not being able to touch you, help you on top of trying to convince you that he loved you was like his own personal hell, so perfectly built.

“See I couldn't even stop myself from lying about that." You choked out through the tears, the rubbing of your neck was turning into scratching.

“That was endearing, I could never hate you for something like that, I could never hate you." You didn't respond to that, the scratching was getting worse, “Sweet girl, you're gonna hurt yourself, you gotta stop." He pleaded, but you were too far gone, muttering things too low to hear under your breath. “God, I can't even help you." Finnick could feel another tear falling down his face, he couldn't grab your hands, breathe with you, keep you comforted, it was eating him up inside and out. So he did the only thing he could, call out for the doctors who quickly marched in to stop you. That's when the yelling that could print his ears with the cacophony of your agony for all of eternity, began. It was remarkable how many people it took to hold you down and get you sedated,

Finnick wished he'd savored every moment he could've had with you. There'd never been a point in leaving you the first time, you were bound to be dragged into the Games, he wasn't the fire that burned you. He could've stayed with you, had so many more moments to think about. Time with you was precious, delicate and he would do whatever it took to have you back

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

You were like heaven and he should have known that was something he wasn't worthy of. It was easy to forget that though when with each month he became more and more infatuated, it felt impossible to be as in love with someone as he was with you and so quickly. It just seemed like you understood each other, were so similar, but also filled the gaps for whatever the other lacked. He wanted to take you out every day and when he was feeling more impatient for your company he'd buy out the whole stock of crabs just so you could be off earlier. By the first month of going out he has noticed an interesting development in who Finnick considered to be the worst thorn in his side, Conway.

“Who's that?" Finnick had asked one day, tilting his head in the direction of Conway and a girl who he was with.

You smiled so brightly it made him want to live in a world where it was his sunshine, “Oh, that's Meena! They're going out now." Maybe that thorn was finally being removed.

"She looks just like you.” Finnick whispered slyly.

“She does not!" You rolled your eyes and glanced over at her, "I mean we have the same hair color. So maybe a little."

"And you're both similar heights, same face shape, I wonder if you both have the same eye color too.” You playfully hit his arm as a warning.

"It's better than him being single and moping around, it was kind of driving me insane how melancholy he was being.”

“Because he's madly in love with you." Finnick teased, hands on your waist.

“No, he's just got a crush because he won't talk to other girls. And now he's out of his shell.”

"Because he's madly in love with you and you picked me.” He smiled, leaning his face in closer.

"You're such a dick!” Yet you were smiling and your face was so close to his.

"No, I'm just saying how lucky I am.” You rolled your eyes again and Finnick used it as the perfect opportunity to kiss you which you instantly reciprocated. He was right about Conway and Meena of course, right after Finnick had broken your heart, he'd heard through the grapevine that they'd broken up. Conway was able to take his place back as having some sort of chance with you.

He'd miss the way you'd lay with your head on top of his chest at the beach, didn't stray away from being seen with him in any sense, if the Capitol cameras followed him around you would easily fall into keeping up his appearances for them, he should've been more cautious. When he was upset and couldn't tell you why, you'd hold him, rub his back, do anything to try and help. Which is why when Snow showed up at his house in Victor's Village he felt like any semblance of happiness was being torn away from his grasp.

“President Snow." He greeted, slowly walking inside of the room.

“Mr. Odair, the Capitol has missed you, so much in fact that I had to make this very disappointing visit.”

"I wasn't aware I was needed back so urgently, or else I would have come.” Usually he was notified of the visits, who wanted him now, and when.

"Of course you would've, but would you have been fully there?”

"I don't understand what you're talking about.”

"Your performance, to be enjoying their company, has been lackluster. People aren't convinced that you're, how shall we say it, emotionally present on top of everything else.” He wasn't, it was so much easier to check out of everything.

"I'm sorry.”

Snow hummed, "If people aren't convinced, they're dissatisfied, if they aren't satisfied then I'm dissatisfied, and we both know the outcomes of that.” Everyone he cared about dead, him lonely.

“Yes, I'll do better."

Snow's smile was so menacing, snake-like it sent shivers down Finnick's spike. “Good, we wouldn't want any complaints trickling down, would we?” He turned on a projection of something Finnick couldn't quite decipher. "She's very pretty, I'm sure no one would be pleased if the dissatisfaction continued.” Finnick felt numb all the way through, it was you, arms around him. How could he have been so stupid as to not think about you?

"It won't.” Finnick said quickly, voice choking involuntary.

"Oh good, I wouldn't want to have to get creative with it.” Snow rose from the chair, “The train will be here to pick you up in two days, Mr. Odair." Then the man who smelled of blood and roses was gone, abandoning Finnick with the feeling of lead in his stomach. He had to put as much distance between the two of you as possible, make you less of a target, shrink the one already on your back. He sunk into the chair he was closest to. Trying to remind himself to breathe as he tried to figure out how he was going to break your heart. How do you spend almost a year with someone, praising the ground they walk on and then suddenly leave them in the dust. He couldn't be cruel to you, not when you were so kind. The idea that you would put your walls up again and completely shut him out made his chest ache, a pain that threatened to tear him apart.

He'd have to give you up, condemn you to the life you didn't want to live. Watch as you lose the hope of something newer, something that wasn't expected and settled for the life everyone saw for you. Maybe that's why Conway made him want to be meaner, his blood boil, because deep down Finnick knew that if he didn't have you, Conway's persistence to love you would pay off. You'd stop being the girl who would barter for things she enjoyed if only for a moment, there would be no more fantasies of your soul finally feeling complete, the way you'd both felt together. To protect you, he'd have to put a damper on the dreams.

Finnick hated thinking about how he was supposed to see you that night, how he'd promised to meet you at the beach since you'd insisted you didn't care about the weather as long as you could see him. He'd have only as long as it took to shatter the hopes of being with each other to memorize you. Your smile, your laughter, your playful banter, the way your eyes twinkled, the smell of peaches and the sea, and tasted like peaches and vanilla. For the rest of time you'd only exist as moments he cherished in his brain, distance would be pivotal. No more escapes from your life to his lavish parties, that association would still be close enough to get you hurt, you'd have to be cut off from any droplets of the Fountain of Love he was to you.

He'd steadied himself when the clock had finally ticked to the time that told him to go to the beach, to his ending with you. Time to subject himself to a lifetime of acting for Panem and you to submit to fate. The fates that had decided you'd both had your run and needed to get back on the roads planned out for you. It was windy and cloudy over the ocean, like he was being mocked. He stood there, staring at the stormy horizon that lay ahead of him until you appeared.

“Hi!" The way you smiled like the sun made him think he couldn't do this to you, to himself. He solemnly nodded in response and your eyebrows scrunched together in confusion, you were so beautiful. “What's wrong? Are you not feeling good, we can just go inside, I'll make soup." This was a torture method, how was he supposed to hurt someone who wanted to take care of him at the slightest sensing of upset.

"No, I feel fine.” He said it too sharply and it visibly took you aback. You'd both bickered before, only when someone directly caused it, and then you'd both get over it. Usually someone would do something to get you both to laugh it off, but he'd never been harsh with you.

You crossed your arms like they would provide some sort of defense, the walls were already being put up as far as Finnick was concerned. “Sorry." You stopped looking directly at him, eyes focused on the sand, he wanted to say ‘No, I'm sorry. You're so sweet and you look so pretty.’ To kiss you, your cheeks, your forehead, for his lips to memorize you. The silence was brisk and awkward until you'd felt forced to break it, “So, are we swimming?" He shook his head and it was hard to miss the way you scoffed, “Okay, um, do you just wanna sit and talk? We can do that." How were you still so considerate and sounded so soft, when you were so annoyed? Maybe the barrier wasn't around you, but him because you made no move to give a comforting touch like you usually would, like you weren't sure it would be received well. “Finnick, if you're gonna be in one of your moods and not let me help, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna go home."

“I'm breaking up with you." It spilled off of his lips in a way that made him want to burn them off. He watched the look in your eyes go from concerned annoyance to sad shock.

“What?" The way your voice became shakier made him want to give up on the whole endeavor, say it was some fucked up joke he was dared to do. “What do you mean?" A small nervous laugh forced itself from your throat.

Finnick took a deep breath in, “I can’t be with you anymore.”

"Can't? What does that mean?” It would've been easier if you just cried and ran off.

"It's just not working out.” He didn't want to lie, say it's how he felt or what he wanted, but he had to get you away from the ticking time bomb.

"For who?” You sounded exasperated.

"I can't explain it, I just have to do this, it's better for you, for both of us.” He pushed down the part of him that wanted to start bawling, begging you to refuse to let him go. "I have to protect you.”

To his surprise you didn't pester on that question more and he watched a tear escape from your glossy eyes, "Don't say that.” You shook your head, bringing your hands up to your face to catch the tears. “You can't break up with me and say stuff like that, it's mean." He was confused and it was evident, "It makes me love you so much more.” No, no, no, no you couldn't say stuff like that when he was supposed to rid himself of you. It wasn't fair.

His fingers ran through his tangled hair, "I'm sorry. I really am, but it means you can't be around at all anymore, anywhere. You need to be as far from me as you can be." You tilted your head upwards, towards the sky, closing your eyes as you exhaled. "Say you hate me."

“What?" You looked at him.

“Say you hate me, hit me, tell me to go fuck myself, something. Be angry with me." He could feel the tears escaping, they were supposed to do that.

“Finnick, I'm not going to do that." Then you were unclasping the necklace, the one that you'd work every day since he'd given it to, and it was in your hands instead of around your neck.

“What're you doing?"

“Letting myself know it's over." Then the necklace was in the ocean, floating away, like any hopes and dreams of being with you. The way you'd built your walls back up, stopped crying, blocked him out from your feelings, astonished him. You trusted him enough to take him at his word, that he needed to protect you, and listened. Distance in the mind as well as in person. “Finnick, take care of yourself." You sent him a small, sad smile and then it was like the wind had blown you away. Out of his grasp forever.

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

“She agreed to see you again." Finnick's head shot up, the doctors wouldn't let him stay in your room so he initially had planted himself in a chair outside. Eventually they'd just rolled in a hospital bed when they realized he wasn't going to be leaving. He'd spent every second diligently watching over you, making sure you were alright from afar. You'd been sedated most of the time since your breakdown before except when you ate and sat solemnly with your thoughts. “Same rules apply, don't get closer unless she asks, keep a calm, steady tone." Finnick nodded with the doctor's words waiting to be let in.

“I understand." The door clicked open and he was back in that chair across the room. “Hey, angel. Are you feeling better?" Your blanket was pulled up as far as you get it over your knee that was pulled up, holding your face up.

You slowly shook your head, “It's cold." And he couldn't be the heat to contrast that, he couldn't even rise to get you a blanket.

“I can ask them if they can make it warmer or at least get more blankets."

You nodded into your leg,"I'm so lonely, I know you want me dead, but I miss you so much and I'm not even sure why.”

Because you had to know deep down that he would move mountains to keep you safe, that all that had really come forward was from your own self hate. "Why don't we play a game.” You looked at him confused, "You ask me if something is real or not real when you're struggling to tell. Just those words and I'll help you figure it out, angel.”

"How am I supposed to know you'll tell me the truth?”

"You just have to trust me.” You observed him like you were waiting to see a crack in the facade, for a muscle to indicate his deceit. You leaned back in the bed, letting your leg rest.

"You hate me, real or not real.”

"Not real.” You stared at the white ceiling.

"Why not?” There was a beat of silence, "I'm perfectly deserving of it, so why not?”

"Anything you think you did that's worth hating yourself over was something that couldn't be helped, you're so sweet, I could never hate you just because your hand was forced when you were a teenager.” Your eyes shifted back down to look at him, “You don't have to believe me yet, there's a lot going on, but it's true. I love you more than the ocean loves the moon.”

"There's just so much going on in my head. I want to believe you so badly, but something in my head says I can't.” You covered your face to try and hide the fact you'd begun to cry. The things he would've given to kiss away your tears.

“That's okay, sweet girl, I have all the time in the world to prove to that voice otherwise." It was painful to stay seated, to know he had to regain all the privileges he'd once had.

You rubbed at your neck again which worried him to no end, “Can you come closer?”

Finnick wanted to jump up, but he couldn't. "Are you sure?” You nodded and he ever so slowly stood up. "How close?” He asked.

You took some deep breaths to calm yourself before you answered, "Over here."

“You're sure?"

Your breathing was shaky, “Yeah." He was terrified of scaring you away. So he approached cautiously to see if you'd eventually startle, but you didn't. Then he was standing right beside you and it was even harder now not to reach out. Ever so slowly you grabbed his hands, fingers tracing around his palms, each callous, and then you were trailing up to his face. He was confused, but didn't make a mention of it. Your fingers lead themselves around his face, rose with his nose, like they were memorizing each crevice of his face. He shuddered when he felt your touch, it had been so long and your cold hands soothed his hot skin. Then your touch was gone and he instantly missed it, longed for it back. “Thank you. I'm sorry."

“It's okay, sweet girl." You moved away from him and settled yourself laying down.

"Can you lay with me?” You whispered out.

"Of course, angel.” Underneath his facade he was ecstatic as he slid into the spot you'd left for him.

"Can you just keep your hands on top of you, so I can see them?” Your voice was so nervous.

"Absolutely.” His hands landed firmly on his stomach as he lay there with you.

Maybe now the long rope didn't seem as appealing.

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

thank you so much for reading and all the support! comments, feedback, reblogs, and likes are all super appreciated. my ask box and requests are open, I've got some I'm working on right now, love you all so much 💋

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[sugar-grigri]

Fans are Denji's source of unhappiness

First observation: Fumiko is worse than Barem

I don't like making meaningless comparisons, especially in a work like Chainsaw Man where when the characters aren't nuts, they remain at least morally gray. But this comparison makes sense in the sense that the construction of the chapter refers to it. As usual, let's analyze this by following the chapter's chronology.

This one takes place in a funfair, which is not an insignificant location, but we'll come back to that later. These few lines of dialogue already evoke a very simple idea: Denji isn't so stupid that he wouldn't know he was being manipulated. He knows full well that Fumiko was placed in Yoshida's care not to protect him, but to keep a close eye on him, to prevent him from turning and joining the church.

But she tries to disprove all this, evoking the ecstasy one might feel if one were Chainsaw Man. Being Chainsaw Man is also a source of unhappiness for Denji, who corrects her, and Fumiko adapts to his speech, looking for the first negative point that comes to mind. I think it was a real mistake for Fumiko to mention this point, but once again, she adapts to Denji's reaction. He's completely horrified at having been observed in the bathroom, so she shares his negative view of the situation.

She knows that Denji's main objective is sex-related, so she builds on that by downplaying what she's doing. This is fan behavior; fans are sexually obsessed with Denji in the hope that it will delight him. But Fumiko knows no bounds, either ignoring his consent or stalking him, which logically engages Denji's rejection reaction again.

Once again, he perceives the means of manipulation with the word "fan", and rejects it. So far, these experiences have only been negative and intrusive, and even when they have been positive, whether with Asa romantically or Power platonically, the demon of control, another female figure, has put an end to them.

But instead of stopping the manipulation, Fumiko goes on to confirm Denji's words even as they express pure disgust and rejection. For a character who knows absolutely no limits, she may also override stopping this conservation, but she continues with her family history. If public demon hunters know anything about Denji apart from his natural distrust and need for affection, whether sentimental or physical, it's his sensitivity.

I can't say that the story Fumiko tells is a complete lie, just as I can't say that she's telling the truth. She's a hunter, and anything she mentions could well have ended up in a report, especially given the national authorities' interest in the gun demon. But even if her story is true, the tragic aspect, not for her but for Denji, is even stronger.

Fumiko says she lost her parents because of the gun demon, that CSM didn't hear her cries for help. I'd like to remind you that chapter 79, the chapter in which she refers to Aki's death, is dedicated to the trauma of what it means to be Chainsaw Man.

For the demon from the future, Aki died in the worst possible way, not for him, but for Denji. It's clear that the little boy is forcing himself to continue this snowball fight he no longer wants to play.

At first, he tries to reason with Aki, forcing him to wake up, but when he himself is shot trying to spare one of his only loved ones, people won't let him lose. Chainsaw Man is a weapon of vengeance into which everyone projects their frustrations, the deaths of their loved ones. Denji was forced to be resurrected, to kill Aki not for himself, but for the community. Chainsaw Man never acts for himself. If Aki died in the worst way for Denji, it's because his fans, this community, forced him back to life to remove one of his sources of love.

Denji was traumatized by having to win.

Let's be clear: it wasn't Denji who ignored their calls for help, it was they who ignored his.

Isn't it tragic to criticize Chainsaw Man for not hearing Fumiko's cries for help, or the cries of all those people, when he was instead so compelled by them, like a machine that would be reset to kill a loved one ? Chainsaw Man, on the other hand, hears all the pain in the world. This doesn't mean that Denji is altruistic - he isn't. He's closer to amorality than compassion, but like a permanently dehumanized machine, he must serve others. It has no morals, so how can it live for itself ?

That's why what Fumiko says is so paradoxical: saving Denji means finally allowing him to live for himself, granting him the right not to hear all those voices.

She doesn't mean what she says when she says she's never thought of him as a god, but simply as a child in need of protection. She's only setting up a dissident discourse to that of the church, which idealizes him by banking on the part of identity that is Denji, while the church banks on Chainsaw Man. How can someone who is constantly sexually abusing Denji be competent to protect a boy?

This chapter is about setting limits for children. To have access to the merry-go-round, you have to be over 1m10 tall. These clear limits were never set for Denji, either when he was forced to kill Aki or even when he explores his sexuality.

Having killed his father, been martyred by the mafia and then manipulated by a demon, Denji is now at the heart of other vicious circles. He's condemned to being too young an adult, watching over Nayuta like a parent while children play behind him, not enjoying the funfair with friends, a girlfriend, being cloistered on that bench. The bench represents the stagnation in Denji's life, his questioning, placed on the bench of his own life, his name unknown to his fans, his nature instrumentalized, his age ignored.

Denji needs and must be considered with the age he is, a 17-year-old teenager. Yet even this characteristic, even the fact that he's still a child, is ignored by Fumiko, hence her insistence on the word "senpai".

The treatment of Fumiko is good, I find her to be the very embodiment of Denji's sexual trauma in the sense that she constantly manipulates him to play on his interests, and constantly ignores his own desires, his limits.

Fumiko manipulates, hence the emphasis on her outraged expression when Barem interrupts. If Barem's manipulation is more grotesque, it's not to manipulate Denji but to mock Fumiko's strategy. Although it's incredibly more insidious, the weapon has a clear idea of what she's up to.

And yet, in just a few sentences, it's right on target. It's much closer to Denji's reality than to Fumiko's human perspective. Weapons are seen as weapons, machines at the service of humans, whose immortality is a pain, as it leads them to the trauma of always winning.

Barem uses a cigarette, obviously reminiscent of those smoked by Aki, who had given in to Himeko's advances and needed an outlet for his stress. Aki's misfortune is to have spent his life on revenge, living to avenge the dead, not living for himself. The cigarette was his flaw, the proof of his humanity, the one he threw at Denji to spare him the pain of getting involved in the horrible business of hunting demons.

Whether or not it was there to manipulate Denji by reminding him of his older brother, whether or not it was there by chance, it conveyed the same message: proof of the humanity of a man who lived for others. A man who was executed once again for that same community.

This community, Denji's fan club, is the cause of his deepest misfortune. Chainsaw Man has never been so popular, yet Denji has never been alone. Because he's not allowed to have loved ones. Nayuta, too, is proof of this: she wants her brother for herself, and convinces him that he's loved by others by acting under the cover of Chainsaw Man.

That's why Denji's intervention to stop the attack in progress is much less certain. All these fans, this humanity waiting for Chainsaw Man, are the source of his misfortune. Of course the fan club will call Chainsaw Man. What's less obvious...

Will Denji listen to their cries for help?

[luveline]

For the Steve zombie au, may i request r and Steve’s friends getting to know each other? Maybe they’re all eating together and r realizing she can trust these people and Steve is just so happy they all get along?

thank you for your request my love! steve zombie!au | fem!reader ♥︎ 1.2k

You're majorly surprised that Steve would be friends with Jonathan Byers. It probably seems like old news given the apocalyptic circumstances, but you remember the epic and tragic bumps of their love triangle. Nancy bouncing between them, and the eventual messy breakup. 

You're unsure if Steve knows you'd been there that night at the Halloween party. His Risky Business costume had actually done a lot to humanise him when you first met him again in the early days, and he'd been a total jerk. He'd say something cruel and you'd remember his sunglasses and his chicken dancing and get over it. 

You're not in the early days anymore. Months of hiking and fighting and zombies and, amazingly, falling in love. Steve would kick the shit out of anyone if they talked to you the way he had, and his apology for being such a grump comes everyday and in new ways. 

He has his hand between your thighs, fingertips stroking circles up toward your knee. 

"No, man, I'm serious, it was a shit show! First you, then Hargrove," he's saying, stomach digging into the table's edge with his enthusiasm. "Good thing, though, my ego was dead and gone when I needed to be humble." 

Jonathan snorts, picking through his cards with a concentrated frown. "I'm still sorry." 

"I don't want you to be sorry. I was a dick." 

"Yeah, but we were seventeen. Everyone's a dick at seventeen."  

You're having a hard time distrusting him, or any of Steve's friends, considering they're the ones who fought to get you back. They walked miles in the dark and the cold to save you, and bring you back to the community. If it weren't for them, you wouldn't be tucked into Steve's side, eyeing his cards and whispering instructions. Nobody's given you shit for it, while it's pretty much cheating, and you know why — there's a resounding feeling of pity wrapped around you. 

You still have all the cuts and scrapes of your kidnapping. The scratches on your face have barely scabbed over, your wrists still sore and torn. It's a constant reminder. You try not to look at them. 

Pity comes with a good helping of care, though. 

"Hey," Robin says, bounding into the town hall with a smile. "Where is everybody?" 

"We're early." 

"Oh. Well, I got more cards," she says, brandishing a fresh pack, plastic wrapped and everything, "Cooper didn't wanna give 'em to me, but I told him the cards club got a bunch of new members. Hopefully he doesn't come tonight." 

She pauses. "Can I sit here?" 

You nod emphatically. She can do whatever she likes as far as you're concerned. She'd been there for Steve while you were gone, and she's come to find you too. You're starting to realise that your suspicion of her had been unfounded. For the two weeks you'd slept in her room, you'd stayed up sick with nerves thinking she was gonna stab you in your sleep. It's kind of hard to believe she'd bother these days. 

Plus, you desperately want to like Robin. She's funny, and smart, and she has a really nice voice. You could listen to her talk about movies for hours, and you would, because Steve could do it too, though he's far more opinionated than you are. 

"Thank you," she says. "I got something for you." 

You sit up from Steve's side, trying your best to look like a functioning person rather than his pathetic clinger. "What?" 

"Yeah, I got this bio-oil from the medic station for your face. I mean, don't get me wrong, you'd look cool with a scar, but I thought maybe that should be up to you. And this," she says, putting the bio-oil and a white packet down in front of you. "Steve said you liked the first one." 

It's a small bar of Hershey's Cookies 'n' Creme. You stare at the two items, lost for words, and then you decide you have to be brave even if it's a little awkward, and even if you're still scared of things going wrong. 

"You didn't have to get these for me, Robin," you say. 

"I wanted to." 

You slide across the bench you're sitting on slowly, so she has time to move away. "Thank you," you say, and hold your arms out for a hug. 

She looks startled but happy, and is quick to accept your offering. "You're welcome," she says, arms crossing behind your back. 

You nod and pull away, giving her a genuine, if guilty smile. 

Just as you realise Steve has been listening, Jonathan tries to save him, roping him back into conversation. You miss his hand on your leg and consider asking for it back, and you really wish he'd stop the game altogether so you can hide under his arm again. You've been feeling rightfully fragile since you got back. Touching him makes it go away. 

But you're not a loser. Robin's breaking the seal on the new pack of cards, and you're really good at card games after so many nights alone with Steve, who's really bad at them. 

"You know gin rummy?" you ask her. 

"I do not," she says, with an air of grandness, her smile unmissable. "I'm a quick study." 

"Robs, don't let her teach you," Steve butts in, "she'll teach you how to play, but she won't teach you how to play well." 

"I only taught you badly 'cause I was mad at you," you say, rolling your eyes.

"What?" 

"Yeah, it was after we got stuck inside that taco truck, and you said I sound like a dying cat when I sing, even though you're the one who asked me to sing in the first place." 

He chuckles easily at the memory. "Oh, yeah. God, I'm sorry, you were still sick from that bad water and your throat was all raw." 

He does you the service of kissing your cheek.

"I'm sorry," he says again. "I was mean." 

"I don't buy it. That's a fake apology," Robin says. 

You burst into giggles as Steve gasps with indignation, and Jonathan lays his cards out flat on the table. 

"I win," he says. 

Steve, despite your ganging up on him, and Jonathan's poorly timed victory, doesn't seem upset at all. He's smiling one of his more secret smiles, the kind you had to dig long and hard to find, and his hand feels like love as he takes up station on your thigh again. He squeezes three times. 

You cover his hand briefly with your own, rubbing the fine hairs on the back of his fingers, before turning your attention to Robin completely. 

"I'm gonna make you a champion," you promise. 

[vickyvicarious]

Today's entry is so much about trust and connection. The complete erosion of it, that is. It starts right away, with Jonathan's seeming certainty that there are workmen in the castle but for the first time no effort given to even trying to communicate with them or seek any kind of assistance or opportunity for escape with their presence. Instead, they are fully aligned with Dracula's plans:

The Szgany are quartered somewhere in the castle and are doing work of some kind. I know it, for now and then I hear a far-away muffled sound as of mattock and spade, and, whatever it is, it must be the end of some ruthless villainy.

This is of course the result of Dracula's efforts to sow distrust by clearly telling Jonathan one of them returned his letter to the Count, and reinforced by their laughter in the last entry. Jonathan no longer trusts the other people around him, not after being burned twice. At least not enough that he is pinning any kind of hope to it. Sure, he didn't get a chance, but in an earlier entry you can bet he would have said something about watching for one to speak to these workers he hears far off in the castle, or to check for an open door nearby them, etc. None of that is on the table anymore.

Moving on, a new scheme.

This, then, is his new scheme of evil: that he will allow others to see me, as they think, so that he may both leave evidence that I have been seen in the towns or villages posting my own letters, and that any wickedness which he may do shall by the local people be attributed to me.

Side note — here's another example of Jonathan being very clever and immediately connecting dots. He realizes instantly just what dual purpose Dracula stealing his identity serves. I mean, of course he must have been thinking very hard on why the Count took his belongings, if there was any extra purpose outside the obvious, but even so he is very quick to pick up on both the significance of the bag being carried (visible) and the implied purpose of delivering letters (invisible) as well as how both those will reflect on him.

Back to the point about trust though, this dual purpose is designed to make Jonathan seem more and less reliable at once. It's a backup to ensure his letters, if questioned, stand up to scrutiny. His written word can be trusted, it was definitely him who sent those letters! Of course this is predicated on a lie from the start since those letters were dictated, but now there is witness testimony to back up the paper trail, so to speak. (Yeah, I recognize the irony of Dracula prepping like this in the same entry that Jonathan laments his lack of access to legal rights that even criminals have. He doesn't have them but even if he did Dracula is basically framing him to get him 'convicted' regardless.) And then dressing up as Jonathan to abduct another child is the way to fully discredit him. Dracula made sure he was seen as Jonathan doing this - I think it's not just that the mother was uniquely determined to get her child back, but Dracula let her (and maybe others) see him-as-Jonathan taking the child away. He ensured the locals' belief that Jonathan is a lost cause, that he too has become a monster. If someone ever questioned them further about him they wouldn't want to help them find him. Not for any kind of rescue, anyway. More to the point though - if Jonathan tries to escape, they won't help him. Not anymore

It is a mirror to Jonathan's own opinion of the other people working in the castle. Just as he, due to Dracula's manipulations, sees their actions in the worst light - just as he aligns them fully with the Count's evil plans... so too will the locals do the same for Jonathan now. This is proven by the mother's response to the sight of him:

When she saw my face at the window she threw herself forward, and shouted in a voice laden with menace:—

"Monster, give me my child!"

On top of just being incredibly cruel to everyone involved - Jonathan being blamed like this just after hearing her child die, her seemingly coming face-face with the monster who stole her baby and yet unable to reach him at all, and of course the kind of casual cruelty inherent in Dracula not even bothering to kill her himself but just sending his wolves after her - on top of all that, this moment serves a distinct purpose. It ensures Jonathan has no one to rely on but Dracula, no one at all.

.

...and yet, that's proven to be not entirely true in this same entry. Or is it? There's some interesting nuance here with the vampire ladies' second attack:

Something made me start up, a low, piteous howling of dogs somewhere far below in the valley, which was hidden from my sight. Louder it seemed to ring in my ears, and the floating motes of dust to take new shapes to the sound as they danced in the moonlight.

Jonathan is shocked out of his trance by the sound of dogs howling. Only partially, sure, but it awakens him enough to fight back to full awareness and then flee the scene. The fact that he says it is distant dogs howling is such a kick in the gut. Because he encounters wolves again later this same entry and mentions them howling there. So he isn't just mistaking wolf howls for dog howls, he is noting two distinctly different sounds.

Dogs are not wolves. They aren't the wild beasts that prey upon people, the children of the night, the monsters in the dark - no, they are loyal and domesticated. They represent people, civilization. They are diametrically opposed to wolves and thus to vampires, and are shown to be instinctively opposed to Dracula.

So this means that Jonathan is symbolically saved by sounds of humanity. And yet there's a disconcerting element which undermines this brief bit of security. Because what makes the dogs howl? Dracula. Dracula kidnapping a child, in Jonathan's guise at that. And so the moment that rescues Jonathan from the vampire women once again... is once again linked to Dracula, once again substitutes another victim in Jonathan's place. This ambivalence is summed up in the final line of this section:

I fled, and felt somewhat safer in my own room, where there was no moonlight and where the lamp was burning brightly.

Jonathan feels safer in his room, where he is protected from the wild monstrous moonlight by the reassuring light burning brightly, a sign of civilization and humanity. And yet the reason his room is safe comes down in the end to, not the light, but Dracula designating it as a 'safe space'. As if to drive the point home even more, not two lines later Jonathan finds that his sanctuary has once again become a prison: he's locked inside and cannot leave to try and save the child he can hear being killed nearby.

Because he is surrounded by Dracula's influence, because he is fully under Dracula's power, any link to humanity is inevitably tainted. Jonathan cannot maintain any connection to civilization or trust in any people. His best chance is a vain feeling of false security. (Excluding his journal, of course - the diary is unknown by Dracula, and thus outside his influence. And Jonathan so clearly relies heavily upon it to keep up his hope, his sanity, his resistance.) At least, not while he is in the castle, the seat of Dracula's power. And unfortunately, there seems to be no way out.

[ollieofthebeholder]

Who wants to hear my TMAGP theory that a) is probably going to get me laughed and/or bullied off this site and b) I am not entirely serious about but which has not left me alone since I listened to the latest episode and I am therefore putting out there now so that in the highly unlikely event I am correct, I can point to the timestamp and cry? OF COURSE YOU DO.

I wonder if Alice is going to be the big bad.

I think she is a lot more aware of what goes on at the OIAR than she is letting on. I think she's Lena's handpicked successor, and Gwen knows or at least suspects it - she certainly talks to Alice more than you would expect if she actually didn't like her, or at least feel like she needed to respect her, and I wonder how much of the sniping is a front they put on for other people. I think she was the "nepotism hire", not Gwen, and that Sam got hired because she put his name in thinking he'd be on her side unconditionally (she must've got a shock when she tried to get him to call IT and he declined to get involved). I think she's deliberately causing problems and sowing discord with Freddie. I think we only have her word for it that the alert came to her and not to someone else - and that it shouldn't have - and she's twice now, subtly at least, tried to make Sam distrust/avoid Colin. I think Chester and Norris are turning up because they're trying to communicate her plan before it's too late, but they're confined to doing it through incidents and whatnot. I think it's going to come down to Sam, Gwen, and possibly Colin facing off against her sometime in the future, and that Sam's going to have to make a very difficult decision.

Like I said, I'm not entirely serious about this and I am quite sure I'll be proven wrong, but damn, wouldn't it be interesting?

[librarycards]

hey there cav. this is sort of a fraught question but. how do I engage with psychiatry when I'm antipsych? I need treatment but I have so much distrust and I feel like it's all bullshit. I don't really have a support system and there's few peer support resources in my area. I can't do this myself but I cant trust this system. soooo... tips for finding therapists that don't suck & getting the most of it? really appreciate your blog and posts, thanks

thank you for entrusting this message to me, I appreciate it! I have answered questions like this a few times before (they're buried somewhere, if you can't find them in my "ask" tag, lmk and i'll try to dig them up!). it's definitely fraught inasmuch as we're never (as people who hate psych but need specific, urgent support that communities aren't by default set up to provide) going to get an answer that we 100% want, but also very not-fraught inasmuch as most of us agree that surviving in this sea of partiality is something we can do together, with love and nonjudgement.

so, for context: i was in therapy - first behaviorist OT as a toddler and elementary school child, and, beginning at 7, talk therapy - nonconsensually basically from the time I could remember until adulthood. i likely would never have tried it again, except for the small hiccup of needing letters for Transing Genders. so, this was when i first sought out "trans affirming care," as it were, and i didn't expect much. i went to my college's health center and got a list of possible providers, and ended up getting an excellent PCP, as well as a therapist who was a genuine cis accomplice: she wrote letters for Mad/psych disabled clients whose genders wouldn't typically qualify us for surgery/hormones in the eyes of the M/PsyIC. i did not share with her the things i "ought" to have shared, but she knew I had survived abusive therapy / forced institutionalization, and accepted that, and accepted my cynicism along with it. i was also first genuinely understanding foucault at this time, so rest assured i was quite a little shit (affectionate).

when she left to practice elsewhere, i went to a therapist at the same practice she recommended. she was fine, but not what i needed. by this time, I'd gotten the requisite procedures, so my therapy attendance wasn't required. i basically just ghosted this new therapist around the time covid hit.

when i came to grad school, i initially wasn't looking for therapy, though i had idly considered something for OCD, which I was (and am) managing in part through medication. after getting outright rejected for, essentially, being too crazy for normie OCD therapy, i directed my search specifically for Mad/abolitionist providers. i began by going through some of the archives of places like the National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network, and some people who have posted guest articles on Mad in America / The Fireweed Collective -- many are providers seeking to disrupt/abolish the system. That provided some leads, though no openings (there are very few of them, and they are, understandably, in high demand).

I then turned to my community connections: over the years, I've amassed a large number of Mad colleagues in various fields. Many are a half-step from radical/antipsych circles, so I asked them. This time, I asked specifically about a possible therapist who was interested in critiques of "eating disorders" as a category, who had an abolitionist, harm-reductionist, and anti-"health" approach to care, and who, accordingly, refused to cooperate with institutions of psychiatric confinement. I was directed to a list of people, of whom my current and beloved therapist / colleague / comrade was the first to respond.

my trajectory with her has been a steady building of trust through a shared ebbing and flowing of closeness, frustration, enlightenment, and curiosity. it has been close to a year and a half now, and we only began speaking frankly about more "dangerous"/"risky" topics a few months ago. early in our relationship, i did a great deal of boundary-testing, and reacted with anger and shutdown the first time she asked a question that proved risky/activating for me. my biggest recommendation when engaging with ANY provider is to ask them explicitly, repeatedly, and critically about their relationships with your own risk/harm level, their ongoing history wrt patient institutionalization / "referrals" to "higher levels of care". take note about the way they reference past patient situations, as well as their own past experience. take note of how they respond when you choose not to provide the information they seek.

also take note of what info they're willing to provide upfront, including at a consult: what methodologies do they work with, what was their training, how do they feel about said training? what are their politics? ask whoever recommended them to you, too. look at reviews. this is obvious -- what might not be is looking up their work on google scholar. who do they cite? what do they advocate, who do they associate themself with?

i think that it's also a good idea to ask them explicitly about their experience in other/"higher" levels of care - most therapists have done some kind of rotation during their education, often in a hospital, group home, halfway house, similar. if you have ever been institutionalized, you may have even spotted / been abused by some! observe how they discuss these experiences. take note.

if and when you've established this person as someone you want to continue working with, trust notwithstanding, think personally about what you are actually looking for. they will ask you about your goals, surely, but it's a good idea first to think about your own personal goals outside of the verbalized relationship between you two. do you need a confidante, and of what kind? what sort of accountability do you need, and what are you willing to try to figure that out? *what are you paying this person for that you feel others cannot or will not do*? what part of this person's expertise can be of use to you, and for how long?

i think one interesting approach to therapy is to regard the provider as a teacher - they're there to share knowledge with you, and you're free to accept or reject it. they have some kind of training/experience you don't have, and you seek them out because you think it may be of use in your own life, and perhaps even to redistribute that knowledge if and when you gain it. at the same time, you also have knowledge to share with them - not to be extracted, but to be incorporated in their own work and practice. the biggest insight on the practice of good therapy i've gleaned is that, ideally, you're both teaching and learning forever. this is true of all good relationships. there is an exchange of knowledge based on shared trust - values - priorities. once you are in a space where you know that this person shares your general relational orientation (aka, doesn't want to institutionalize, etc. you and people like you) it's possible to begin sharing knowledge in a way that benefits from this imposed structure. the benefit, imo, is that it's okay that you "monopolize" the convo and direct the knowledge-production toward your needs, because that's the service you're paying for!

i guess, to close, i'll return to the classic Mad Pride framing of us as "psych users/consumers." this isn't the perfect term, but i think it's enlightening, as we can and should be able to seek out services that work for us. just like i go to a person who knows wtf they're doing when, say, i need my nails done or my car fixed, so too do i go to an expert interlocutor when i am interested in developing my self-/relational knowledge and/or am seeking support in times of emotional tumult. this doesn't confer them a status as superior to me, just like someone isn't superior to someone else by being a nail tech or mechanic. it simply means that we are entering into a relationship where my needs and their expertise meet. seek a therapist who understands this, and understands themself as someone who can learn from you, too. this approach to therapy, and to care, mean that you can't just throw someone away or lock them up when they say things you don't like. it means that, even in those moments, there is something to be learned, and that the relationship will grow in that process of edification.

[dimicomi]

I don't even ship Wednesday and Tyler like that, and of course y'all can focus on shipping Wednesday with whomever, but saying that she gave Tyler no signals at all before that scene in episode 4 and that it's completely out of left field...isn't all that true.

I know we're shown things mostly from Wednesday's point of view and she frequently expresses her desire for solitude and not companionship, but let's also remember that 1) she's very obviously unreliable when it comes to her own feelings, so that should be taken with a grain of salt particularly because she disproves it later and 2) she says this to Enid multiple times as well (which I've seen a lot of wenclair shippers conveniently ignore or excuse), despite doing things that suggest the opposite. It's a pattern for Wednesday.

And yeah, "signals" don't inherently mean anything because they depend on context, but nobody communicates objectively. Tyler, like everyone else, draws his conclusions from his point of view. After watching the season once alone and then again with my little sister I'd say that there are at least THREE distinct moments up till then where it would've been reasonable for Tyler to assume Wednesday's interest in him specifically.

The first and second are actually in the first episode, regarding the video call and then the festival. From Tyler's point of view, Wednesday is a girl he just met who does not own a phone and so relies on him to get her to the train station because he has knowledge about the town and also a ride out of it. At this point he's just some random guy. So when Wednesday ends up leaving in the middle of his shift, it would've made sense to assume she'd get help elsewhere and that he wouldn't run into her again any time soon. But then Wednesday sends Thing all the way to his house with her name and a phone number written on his palm just so she could speak to him. That's a lot of effort from someone he just met, even if she would say she's only using him to her own ends. That eventually leads to him giving her the sheriff's file on Gomez, upon which she acknowledges that she "isn't used to people engaging with her" and that he's doing something others don't do with her. She explicitly singles him out and regards him in a way that's different from others. I'm sure both of these things would seem significant to Tyler.

The third is on Outreach Day at the coffee shop where Wednesday asks Tyler about the original Pilgrim meeting house. This might seem insignificant because it looks like Wednesday's just using him for information here, but realistically, going to the Weathervane was completely unnecessary. Sure, the woman leading her group didn't know where it was, but Wednesday was out in the middle of Jericho during an event where townies were out and about everywhere. She could have asked anyone else - possibly even other Nevermore students since they've been there longer than her - and likely would've gotten the same information. She could've even asked Xavier when she got to the shop! It's unlikely that Tyler, a teenage Jericho native, would have special information that other townies wouldn't, but still she sought him out specifically and even said as much when Xavier asked. From Tyler's point of view, why wouldn't that signify interest?

This last one is more subtle so I'd call it an honorable mention but it's actually right before Tyler accuses her of giving mixed signals, just after Wednesday talks with the sheriff at the station. When she sees Tyler, she immediately cautions him to avoid his father. She might just be frustrated with the sheriff, but that doesn't really have anything to do with Tyler directly. However, she does know that the Galpins don't have the greatest relationship (particularly since Tyler was seen arguing with him in public at the festival, he has no problem stealing the file on Gomez, obviously distrusts his father enough to stalk him in the woods, and also sees Kinbott on a regular basis), so letting him know that the sheriff is in "frustrating form" is oddly considerate, especially given that Wednesday isn't known for being so and he knows that. In fact, the only other people to whom we see Wednesday show that kind of unprompted, unconscious consideration by that point are Enid and Eugene. It's not something that happens often, so it's significant.

I wouldn't call these examples romantic per se, and I'm not really defending Tyler in a general sense given what we learn about him, but it's not unreasonable at that point for a guy with a (probable) crush on a girl he's spent some time with to assume that she might return his feelings given the above. In fact, Wednesday doesn't even refute his assumption about her feelings in that conversation like she normally would with Kinbott or Weems. She deflects (like she does with Enid and sometimes Thing) and says she needs to prioritize instead.

It isn't "random" or "bad writing" just because y'all don't like the character or the ship. The groundwork was there since the first episode.

[raviollies]

nightmare, pain, secret, and wound for blythe, raha, and lorelai, please!!! (for the not-so-nice OC asks)

Here they are! Enjoy :)

nightmare: What does your OC have nightmares about? How do they deal with their nightmares? Do they tell people, or keep it to themself?

Blythe very much has long standing melancholy over the fact that unlike Raha, she is eternal. She is not mortal, and one day he will fade away, and she will remain. She wonders if she will become a Hag at that point, if she will give in to the loss and turn to the Faewild to be with those as unchanging as herself. Raha is her first and only love, so the concept of losing him is a horror she doesn't want to consider.

Raha fears losing the party members, as they are his only friends. He doesn't enjoy being in cities, interacting with others and his only connection to people is the party. Without them, he genuinely wouldn't quite know what he is living for even.

Lorelai fears losing control and attacking others in a blood frenzy, in hunger, consuming her (similar to Raha) only friends, to commit her cardinal sin once more. She wouldn't know what to do with herself, and probably wish to embrace the sun.

pain: What's the worst pain your OC has ever felt? Do they have a high pain tolerance?

BLYTHE IS A BABY - She does not have high pain tolerance at all. She rarely gets hurt and even the small injuries she tends to get whiny about. She also does not do a lot of physical manual labour, so even with small injuries she will dramatically toss her hand over her head and proclaim someone else must carry her things.

Raha has high pain tolerance as he is quite used to being injured with his numerous scars from his contracts. He tends to downplay his injuries and not voice any complains often leading to others having to forcibly sit his ass down and patch him up (That's what happens when you're traveling alone for about 150 years)

Lorelai actually almost doesn't feel any pain at all. The only things that can make her feel pain is holy magic or the sun (The only time she has gotten injured over the course of the campaign is when Eirwen accidently splashed holy water over her hands, which took a while to heal as Vampire regeneration is much slower when it comes to such forces). So I guess she has very high pain tolerance? If that counts?

wound: How does your OC handle being wounded? Are their wounds mostly physical? Mental? Emotional? What's the worst wound your OC has ever experienced?

Blythe has very rarely gotten physically hurt, usually limited to just small wounds that she heals with magic right away. I wouldn't say she has many emotional/mental wounds outside of Theta - she very rarely holds any care for people outside of the few that she cares for, and they have not

Raha is very much covered in scars, majority of them inflicted by monsters he's hunted through out the years, but the very first scars he got was when he was a child and his village was raided and subsequently destroyed. That is where he got his face scar and signature ear nic, was from that event, when he got trapped under a collapsed building when it collapsed during the raid.

Emotionally, the razing of the village was only the start, and the distrust and rejection from the Elves from a different village that took in the refugees, arguably deeper scars, as it left him feeling isolated and lacking any feelings of belonging to a community. After that he avoided not just humans and elves, finding no kinship with either. Neither elf, nor human.

Lorelai is haunted by her rebirth as a vampire, both physically and mentally. As I mentioned, she was turned into a spawn by her father, which does mean she has a permanent scar on her neck, and had killed him when she became a full blooded vampire. The wound on her neck remains a permanent reminder, and is the oldest and only

secret: What's one secret your OC never wants anyone to know about them?

Blythe is a big fan of bad erotic novels (think booktok.)

Raha has a thing for stockings and heels.

Lorelai doesn't think Tarrasques exist.

[vigilskeep]

Harker I have a very important question: how would Sulahni and Minerva get along? Like, specifically along the "what would/wouldn't you sacrifice to destroy the blight" axis?

ah that’s a complicated one!

their priorities and skillsets are quite different. minerva would find sulahni’s earnest attempts at honour and communication heartbreakingly clumsy, whereas sulahni’s instinct would be to distrust minerva as a liar and a manipulator with her own private agenda. (neither of which are untrue, haha.) if they were somehow both in the party, minerva would probably take the lead on sheer basis of charisma, and sulahni might have a little resentment at being usurped until she came to respect her. gotta fill out that approval bar first

in terms of what they would sacrifice, i think their goals are slightly different in a way that matters. sulahni wants to defeat the blight, pure and simple, and do her best to make sure this place is livable on the way. minerva needs to be seen defeating the blight the right way. i think sulahni’s inexperience with the world outside her clan would make minerva’s obsession with optics seem selfish and impractical when the darkspawn are at hand. she doesn’t have minerva’s politician’s eye for the big picture and the long term. so sulahni defiling the ashes would seem like a disastrous move to minerva (do you know how this will look for people like us, do you know what that urn could have meant), whereas minerva’s choices at the landsmeet would be incomprehensible to sulahni (you would tear us apart at the final moment, and for what—prestige with these shemlen?)

there are certain things they would understand, though, like using blood magic and becoming a reaver, and having been raised to fear what they now uncomfortably use. they were both raised as potential future leaders, and have a shared understanding that they belong to a community and sometimes personal sacrifices need to be made for the good of the whole

[ireneksstuff]

Rant below

I'm sorry the fuck did WE do???

Like I think this whole thing started mainly with crows being mad ab the fucking eyeball lore rp, and some of them literally overstepping tubbos boundaries, being borderline ableist, and then accusing him of spreading homophobic rhetoric (and I'm not just referring to that ONE person, that post had like 15 reblogs with people agreeing with them and a lot more likes)

And when we rightfully called them out, they all doubled down until their OWN streamer called them out (bc tubbo addressing it did nothing)

And then sunny happened. Sunny had been expecting good things from phil and tallulah and chayanne bc tubbo spoke very highly of them. And even if it wasn't for tallulah s distrust, which I can write a thesis about tbh(since I think it's unfair to expect sunny to be ok with people disliking her for where she was from) Phil's language was insensitive towards a very traumatized kid that he had not build a stable relationship with. That's a fact. He didn't talk to empanada like that, so why did he towards sunny?

Yes, he did not mean to do that. But the Tubblings used it as an opportunity to have an angst moment. And crows fucking LOST IT. Like no we do not hate Phil guys.We love that old man. We can still make angsty theories with his interactions with sunny.

ALSO, when it was PHILS turn to take lore srsl, he acted the same way he did always due to not realising the gravity of tubbos' death. And that is not a bad thing. But when the Tubblings, instead of getting upset ab him not participating seriously in the lore,we chose to add it into the story, crows were all over it with meta reasons for why we shouldn't do that.

Like do you want serious lore or not? Pick one

I'm not here to pick a fight. Many tubblings have also gone to crows blogs and have sent hate and death threats which are NOT acceptable no matter what.

I'm just trying to point out that the pure hypocrisy that some crows have shown has made tubblings be fed up with this bs. Cause we expect the hate now.

Again we love phil. I was a crow first and i know thats the same for many of us.

However, EVERY time that he interacts with tubbo or when bolas are mentioned, I just feel the exhaustion of preparing for the disaster that my feed will be, due to like 3 crows starting shit, and then tubblings defending themselves.

I'm not kidding. Every tubbling was ready for war on twt when they did the prank, and we were relieved that at least we had the doozers with, so we wouldn't face this shit again on our own.

I am tired of this shit. I love hanging around in Phil's chat when he's playing qsmp. But when I read chat messages like these, I'm just angry? Disappointed that this is still happening? Like you can claim that we are toxic all you want, but so far, every time our communities have been at each others throats its been the crows picking the fights(and no making angsty hc ab the possible perception of a characters behavior does not count, it's normal fandom behavior)

Even while writing this, I had to check my language like 10 times to make sure I didn't piss people off for no reason.

Whether you like it or not, the toxicity didn't start with us

[sasusc]

WIP Whenever

Thanks for the tag @galadrieljones !

I've been slammed and busy and May is a very eventful month. I haven't had time to write lately But I decided to just carved out a little bit of time.

I wrote this little bit today for a Bethyl fic that's been in the works for awhile. I've jumped 4/5 years into the future of that fic to write a little scene that might possibly be an AU to it--timelines aren't set. Beth and Daryl makes it to Alexandria with Mika and Judith years before Team Family finally shows up. And they've become a family there. This is just a possible version of how the Dixons and Tream Family reunite. The original plan was to reunite them sooner but I started writing and Mika wanted to be 14 or 15. I just went with it.

Mika blended into the forest, walking softly as she had been taught. She watched the small group of people from afar. She couldn't catch their conversations, and she was wary of getting any closer to them. They weren't heading towards Alexandria at the moment, but it wouldn't take much for them to turn into the right direction. She wanted to learn as much as she could before she reported back. “Hi,” a man said softly. His hands were raised slightly when she whirled around and pointed her crossbow at him. “Sorry. I'm not here to hurt you.” She frowned at him. He looked oddly familiar, but she couldn't place his face. Pretty face, brown hair and blue eyes. Taller than her in dirty jeans, a dark t-shirt, and a plaid shirt over it. He had to only be a few years older than her. He didn’t live at Alexandria but maybe she had seen him at one of the neighboring communities? It wasn't often that she visited them with Beth or Daryl. She kept her crossbow pointed at him. “What are you doing out here?” He tried to appear non-threatening. He slowly pointed towards the group she had been watching. “Those are my people. I'm exploring…scouting around. Do you live around here? Are you alone?” Mika frowned, but her arms held the crossbow steady at the man. “My dad is out here. I'm not alone.” He glanced around trying to locate another person. He couldn't find anything to indicate someone was nearby. The girl could be lying to protect herself from strangers. It was better to be safe than sorry. She was a pretty girl. Long blond hair pulled back into a ponytail. Distrustful brown eyes stared him down across her crossbow. There was something about her that seemed familiar. She was a couple years younger than him, but the end of the world had a way of turning kids into adults before their time. “We aren't bad people. Me and my family. We have a community… It's a couple days walk from here. We're looking for other communities to trade with.” Mika wanted to trust him. She knew Beth would want to trust him. But would Daryl? He was always a better judge of character. It was why he was a recruiter with Aaron. What would Daryl do? Keep them from Alexandria for now. Maybe direct them to a safe location to talk with the group.  A bird call alerted Mika that Daryl had arrived. The man in front of her started to reach for a weapon but paused and raised his hands higher in the air. His own group used bird calls from time to time, and this sounded similar to what they used to check in on others. “That your dad?” He didn't give her time to answer. “I mean her no harm. We're seeking communities for trade. I'm Carl Grimes.” Mika gasped and lowered her crossbow. “Carl? He frowned at her. “It's me, Mika! Mika…Samuels.” They stared at each other, wide eyes and comparing the images they held of each other when they had lived at the prison together.

Tagging: @not-so-austen @whovianlili @olpie @sweetz1919 @rckyfrk and anyone else!

[that-one-i-think]

Nobody asked but I am going to do it anyway:

What I would have done with the Criminal Minds Mr. Scratch arc, but with a larger focus on Aaron and Jack Hotchner. This one will be a focus on Jack and Hotch's relationship during witsec and then will be reblogged with the rest of the plot. (All of this part would be going on along with the normal cases, a B plot)

One of the biggest reasons why Mr. Scratch became the serial killer he is today is due to his father. With Scratchs father being arrested from being accused of child abuse and then murdered in prison. So, with that added onto the fact that Peter Lewis was already stalking Jack, I feel that Peter Lewis would try to attack Hotch through one of the things he holds the most dear. His fatherhood.

Hotch and Jack would still go into witness protection, but ever the workaholic, wouldn't stop working the case. He would consistently break the witsec regulations in order to communicate with the BAU so he can bring Mr. Scratch down. It would mirror how he acted during the George Foyet case, except this time instead of driving his wife away and losing her, he drives away his son.

During this time, 12 year old Jack, who had just joined his middle school soccer team and had just made it into the art club. (Gonna give him an art interest due to Beth because she was written out waaaay to soon). Things were starting to look normal for Jack, but one day, during the halfway point of his game, he was picked up and put into witness protection.

Jack was pissed but with this being his 3rd time, he knew the drill. He lost his entire personality yet again and became his new identity, 15 year old Danny Lafayette, a kid from Wyoming who moved to Louisiana after the loss of him Mom to be closer to her family. That he could do.

Jack was angry at his dad, but he fortunately got his mom's acting ability, and after having Emily be his babysitter, he made sure that his dad never knew. So Jack established roots and made friends. Rather easy to do because he was now a freshman in high school and needed all of the help he could get. (Safer to go older when a serial killer is after you, cause who would put an average 7th grader into 9th grade?)

4 months went by, and Hotch and Jack were doing okay until Jack was taking a test when he gets called to the office because "his uncle died". They are moving again, this to Quebec Canada for a temporary stay while they are building new identities yet again.

For 4 weeks, Jack is Pierre Morris, a French kid who is in Quebec to reconnect with his dad. Hotch and the Witsec agents fully abused the fact that Emily and Reid babysat him. That is when his Witsec Agent set him up with an "anonymous therapist who specialized in people in witness protection.". His father encouraged it so Jack had no reason to distrust it.

Jack has sessions with the "therapist" every other day, and the two become close. Jack is happy, Hotch is happy and during that time, and that is when they move for the last time. With Jack putting on his last identity, Oliver Hall a

One month later and one day before Jacks birthday, he was on the shared computer on call with his "therapist" when he sees a message pop up. The "therapist" encourages him to look and that is when Jack finds out Aaron has been working the case and risking their safety.

If we think that Hotch's fight with Haley was bad, this was worse. Jack yelled for his dad, and Hotch came running, and that is when he saw the message on the computer. Jack immediately started yelling, and the two fought right then and there. It got to the point where Jack asked if the case was more important than him, and in the heat of the moment, Hotch yelled that he was saving lives.

At that moment, Jack did the only thing he could do and ran. He ran out of the house and just ran.

Unfortunately for both him and Hotch, Jack never ended the call, and the "therapist" heard everything. Next thing Jack knew, he was being picked up by his therapist and gone.

Check reblogs for part 2 (may be being written) and feel free to interact and comment

[whoreish-behaviour]

Ayo so 9ft tall hot alien colonizers am I right 👀👀💫??? Thanks sm for writing the PERFECTION that is Revenant 💕✨️💞 BTW that fic got me thinking...

So after the events of TWOW, Miles, near dead tbh, comes across a Nav'vi woman who was separated from her family when trying to escape one of his RDA raids on the villages in search for Jake. She's terrifed of him because she remebers him, but her kind soul patches him up and nurses his weak form back to health in her makeshift home. When recovered, he takes her in for reasons immediately unknown to him or her (but he tells his commanding officer some bs about gaining the hostiles trust or something).

She, being just an average ocean Nav'vi with no warrior spirit in her (kind of like a temeperment similar to Tsireya) can't understand a word of English, and Miles can only understand 5% of what she's saying. They have lost their only reliable translator (Spider), so Miles wants to learn to communicate with her directly because he hates 3rd party communication anyway (as shown by his continued attempt at learning and speaking Nav'vi). He starts to teach her English using his very limited Nav'vi that Spider had taught him.

At first she is of course terrified of him cause he just took her to a place filled with Sky People (of which her only experices with involve deaths, cruelties, and pain). She wonders why he took her with him (spoiler: he took her cause she helped him, was cute, all alone, and the lost/scared/helpless eyes she gave him when he initially came across her got to him. I imagine she looked similar to how Tsireya looked when her dad yelled at her for her allowing Lo'ak to bond with the outcast).

As Miles starts attempting to talk to her in her language and teach her his own language, she starts seeing another side of him. The side that loves his comrades, loves his son, had listened to his sons pleas for mercy on her people, has strong duty to his people (which is respected in her village), jokes around with her and his comrades, and protects her even when really has no reason to since she's technically the enemy. She has to fight this growing warmth and respect for him with the horrible things she sees him do to her people for his mission and personal vegnece against jake, and the horrible things the Sky People he has strong loyalties to continue to do to her home of Pandora. Ofc they are also both physically attracted to each other so this can be mature rated if u feel comfortable (I surely wouldn't mind a bonding ... or several occuring).

Mostly, Miles teaching her English and trying to get past her initial fear of him and all his dominating "demon" presence when he can barely communicate with her. It'd be cute if the first thing she learns to call him is "colonel" because that's what everyone calls him. And even though he later teaches her his name, she still calls him that endearingly. Like, "Miles" is for when she's mad at him 😂.

Miles is real patient with her because she is a good girl. Shes just mostly scared and confused by many things in her new environment (her own emotions most included). Miles is mostly just being himself around her, very aware that shes watching him quite cautiously and curiously. Because of her distrust of Sky People, she's by Miles' side alot, but mostly stays silent because she can't really understand what others are saying around her in rapid English so she just pretty much ignores everyone else and focuses on her Colonel. She reads his eyes, his ears, his tail, and his breathing just to know what's really going on with him. Even after she learns some english from him, she has also learned to understand Miles without his having to speak. Miles keeps his Nav'vi by his side and she answers to no one except her Colonel. Legit Miles would be mad protective of her. No one touches her but him. Real territorial ish. I'm sorry this is getting outta hand. 😂

I just love Stockholm syndrome tropes sm! And u write it so well 😆👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👌🏽💞 certified good ish. Thanks for the thought 💡.

‘Pretty much ignores everyone else and focuses on her Colonel’ BDJSHSBBFSJHDHD SO MF CUTEEE

THIS IS AMAZINGGG I LOVE IT SM

I adore the whole idea of her being able to read him without necessarily understanding the words coming out his mouth, I think he pairs so well with someone like that (lord knows that man would rather have his tail bitten then talk about his emotions).

Would 10000% be extremelyyyy over protective, that terrified expression on your face the day he met you still makes him grimace. You’d have to always be in his eyesight or tucked safely under his arm.

I also think that once you had settled down at his side, the crew would begin to accept you more - your kind nature practically forcing them to.

Like a baby sheep being taken in by a pack of wolves that absolutely adore you.

[cori-randomstuff]

Idk if this is a hot take but I hate how isekai quartet handled Subaru and Rem's relationship. Both of them are mischaracterized for a stupid joke that doesn't fit them, especially Rem. This is partly due to the misconceptions people have about the anime and it drives me nuts.

Rem is portray as this friendly perfect girl but that's just not who she is. Yes, she is at her core, a kind-hearted person but she is also someone who can be very distrustful and cold towards people she doesn't like. After arc 2, she is a lot more friendly and warm, but these traits are still an aspect of her personality, as shown in arc 7.

Subaru is characterized as someone who is either ignorant of Rem's feelings towards him or someone who just doesn't care about Rem. Which isn't true at all, like he didn't know it after arc 2, but he definitely knows about it in arc 3, otherwise he wouldn't have literally proposed to her.

Their relationship in iq is portray as one where Rem takes care of Subaru while he just takes advantage of her goodwill. And it is such a gross oversimplification of their relationship and it makes me insane that this is how most people in the wider community see them.

In canon, Rem and Subaru's relationship have a lot of unhealthy aspects to it. They both love and care for one another, they would and have died for each other. They have codependent tendencies. Rem is often called out for this in and out of universe, but Subaru isn't much better. He values Rem's approval of him as a hero and it is detrimental to his mental health and self-esteem in the long run.

Subaru and Rem are, fundamentally speaking very similar people. They both grew up in the shadow of a family member and their desire to live up to the expectations of the people around them causes them to have a lot of self loathing. This causes them to overcompensate for this. They are also deeply loving people, they are both self-sacrificial to a fault and would do anything for the people they love.

Because of this, they ended up pushing themselves too hard when they're around each other. Subaru says it best himself, Rem is willing to indulge Subaru but she is also the person hardest on him. She believes in him even when no one else expect anything from him. This is reassuring to Subaru but it also create a lot of pressure on him to do push himself at every opportunity.

I know none of this is very fitting for a comedy series but comedies are at their best when it comes from the characters. And how could you do that if you mischaracterized the characters.

(I wanted to also talk about how poorly handled emisuba is in iq but I think it would make the post a lot messier)

[sunder-the-gold]

[Guiding Ahead] What was Andoain's deal?

Andoain grew up in a tiny, impoverished Iberian village, never knowing the luxuries or safety of Laterano. He only left his home after the Profound Silence, to journey to Laterano and ask for aid. After Laterano refused, he returned to Iberia to find his home vanished without a trace. He then returned to Laterano and demanded answers to questions that no one could adequately answer or wanted to acknowledge. Defeated, Andoain sat on a chapel pew for hours.

That was where Lemuen met him for the first time. Though she surely felt his doubt, confusion, and pain through halo-empathy, he never told her about his questions.

Knowing someone's feelings won't automatically tell anyone why someone feels that way. Halo-empathy doesn't communicate thoughts, so it doesn't convey memories like Amiya's empathic Arts, and so it doesn't reveal the full complexity of someone's goals or motives.

In the present day, Lemuen expressly says to Fiammetta that he didn't ever share his questions with her. "He hasn't ever told me about it", but she has a "hunch" that he's been asking himself a question "that the Sankta must never ask", and it's "probably been bothering him deep in his mind for a long time".

What He Betrayed

So we know that at some point, Andoain gave up on asking people his questions, and tried to bury his doubts. Rather than leaving Laterano again, he stayed and made a new life for himself. He even joined the Laterano military to defend his new home, and his superiors trusted his commitment to that mission enough to make him the leader of an elite trouble-shooting squad,

His subordinates also trusted him as a friend. Granted, Fiammetta's really the only one who talks about her feelings regarding their old squad, since she never had halo-empathy to convey those feelings to them before their squad broke apart. Whatever feelings each of the three sankta had, the other two knew.

Fiammetta, raised by sankta and with sankta, must have learned how to read their moods, even if she doesn't always understand why they have those feelings.

If Fiammetta trusted Andoain so much, and felt so secure in their squad, I imagine it could only be because Mostima and Lemuen felt the same way. Fiammetta would have picked up on it, if they felt unease or distrust for Andoain.

(Or, after a childhood of growing up surrounded by a people she could never fully be a part of, was Fiammetta so happy to feel like she truly belonged, that she ignored warning signs?)

Of his squadmates, Lemuen understood him the most. She's the one who tells Fiammetta his backstory, whether Lemuen had learned it before or after she woke up from her coma. Perhaps she had already suspected he grappled with questions "no sankta should ask". And perhaps that's why she says:

"You judge me so highly, Fiammetta, even though I messed it all up."

Perhaps Lemuen believes she could have helped Andoain avoid his mental break, or at least have anticipated and thus avoided his attack, and then Mostima wouldn't have fallen, and Fiammetta wouldn't have been left alone in exclusion.

What He Wants

Above all else, Andoain grieves for the pain of the world, and wants for everyone to know the peace and comfort of life in Laterano. To the extent that he understands that Laterano's unique prosperity owes to their halo-empathy (and guardian guns), he wants to know why only the sankta have these blessings.

Yet he never expresses an idea that the pope could make other people into sankta if he wanted. He never accuses Laterano of refusing to accept non-sankta immigrants (he even introduced Ezell to a number of such immigrants) or of denying them full legal citizenship. He even acknowledges that Laterano citizens will sympathize with, listen to, and offer charity to immigrants and foreigners.

Clearly he wants the Laterano government to send more foreign aid to other countries, no matter how heavily it would need to tax its own citizens and sacrifice its own soldiers to provide it.

For some reason, Andoain also never once mentions a god. He never demands to know why a "Lateran god" refuses to grant others the blessings of the sankta. Andoain doesn't even mention the Law until the pope brings it up. Before descending into the basement, Andoain doesn't seem to think the Law itself is some kind of god.

Yet the sankta must believe in some sort of god, or else who does Exusiai pray to in her Idle line: "Lord, is this someone we gotta save, too?" No Lateran citizen ever refers to the Pope as 'lord'.

What He Saw

On that day, Andoain encountered the the creature in the Lock Staff, and it actively or inadvertently "opened his eyes". Years after his betrayal and life on the run, he says he would have considered it "fortunate" to "walk his path with it".

What did he see? The Sarkaz who previously owned the Lock and Key saw visions of the future. Of a Feranmut destroying Kazdel, of the false sky being torn in two.

At the end of [GA-5 After], Andoain thinks to himself about what he saw. "Can you believe it? I saw an ocean formed of faith."

Whatever that means, whatever else he might have seen, Lemuen and Mostima didn't see any of that themselves. When Fiammetta asks Mostima what Andoain saw, Mostima says she doesn't know. Given that the creature in the Lock talks to her, either it refuses to tell her, or it actually doesn't know what it allowed Andoain to see.

To reinforce everything I just claimed, the creature in the staves gave Mostima a message to give to Andoain: "Your bravery is commendable, but you won't like the final answer." So the creature does communicate to Mostima, but has not told her what Andoain saw, even though it understands Andoain's question better than he does, for it to know who or what he should be asking, and what answer awaits him.

So, at the moment before his betrayal, all Lemuen and Mostima knew is what those visions made Andoain feel. And that understanding is both exactly why they don't hate him for what he did next, even as they cannot bring themselves to SAY what those feelings were.

Or perhaps they did already tell Fiammetta what he felt, and she just didn't care. When Lemuen almost brings herself to say it in [GA-4 After], Fiammetta interrupts her, says she doesn't want to hear it, and leaves. "Why should I have to understand him?!"

What He Felt

Whatever Andoain saw through the staves, it gave him hope that he could save the world. Nothing could be more effective at drawing out all of his pain and desperation than that, even to the point of a psychotic break.

Lemuen and Mostima felt him go insane, as though he would die if he did not seize the opportunity.

Perhaps he tried to talk with them first. Or perhaps he immediately turned to attack.

Either way, his subordinates felt it when he decided that he would rather murder Lemuen and regret her death afterwards, than let her live so that she would stop him from taking the staves.

Mostima: "Lemuen almost died."

Andoain: "I know. It was the better option, over her bullet."

Andoain's sentiment of devaluing Lemuen's trust, friendship, her very life... that feeling would be the last thing Lemuen knew for the next five years, as he used his Arts to strike her down, spilling her blood, injuring her nearly to the point of death, and driving her into a years-long coma.

Mostima, who felt his emotions then, but at their reunion can only hear him express those exact same, unaltered feelings through words and facial expressions, replies:

"Looks like that mental illness of yours hasn't gotten any better."

Whatever Mostima and Lemuen felt from him then, that Mostima takes as a sign of "mental illness", is also exactly what Lemuen felt from him when he visited her in the hospital at the start of 'Guiding Ahead'. The same regret too small to keep him from trying to kill her, as well as his utter lack of penitence.

Even after the Pope showed him the truth and shattered his hope, showed him how futile his murderous betrayal had been, Andoain told Fiammetta to her face:

"If I had to do it all over again, I would."

Lemuen sat in a room with a man whom (she knew for a fact, because both of them could still feel each other's emotions) would try for a second time to murder her if it would further his goals. He wouldn't even hesitate.

But underneath that cold disregard, she could also feel the emotions driving him to madness. And still, that understanding inspired her to not hate him.

"I want you to trust me on one thing, Fiammetta. If he really wanted to do harm to Laterano... I'd never forgive him."

But she still told him to never visit her again, which is understandable. Who wants their own attempted and unrepentant murderer in their bedroom? Heaven forbid her beloved little sister ever met this maniac face-to-face.