#she yearns and she yearns....so selfishly selfless....

[livlepretre]

I bet when Klaus revealed to Elena what Rebekah was doing to her without her consent, he thought “ok this when she finally dumps her” but Elena was like “not today”. I understand that because of Klaus, Elena has severe abandonment issues and maybe she thinks that if she does break up with Rebekah she’ll feel all the loneliness she felt at the manor. So she stays in this relationship that was once good and healthy that’s turned toxic and emotionally abusive because she’s afraid of being lonely. I think Elena wants to hear Rebekah say those three magic words that will soothe her. Because she hasn’t said it in what feel like a long time. And Rebekah, GIRL! Get your fucking priorities straight! Do you want to be with Elena or Stefan or do just enjoy hurting her for your own sick amusement? Elena just wants to be loved and even if that means staying with someone who loves her and hurts her at the same time. Also WTF?!! After practically begging Elena not to leave her, SHE leaves her to go with a Klaus on some agenda instead of um I don’t know fighting to stay with her! At this point, I’m actually hoping Elena fucks her up.

P.S. Happy Halloween!🎃

Ooof what an analysis!

I think Rebekah’s fatal flaw, shall we say, is that she yearns to be loved but is incapable of giving a mature, selfless love— she loves very selfishly, and she gets caught up in her own head too easily.

I think your speculation that deep down Elena thinks it’s Rebekah or nothing is spot on— not to diminish her love for her in any way, because that is real, but rather, to point out that there is a belief in the back of her mind that Rebekah is her only shot at love/happiness/closeness ever again because Rebekah is essentially the only one “untouchable” for Klaus— the only potential lover that Klaus would actually let her have because he can’t actually do anything to stop it. (Or can he?)

Klaus… certainly thought/hoped they would break up. But he’s also taking the fact that they didn’t as a wake up call to himself, a reminder as to why he left Elena for those 3 years in the first place. (Y’all. He is going to have a monologue about all of this. I cannot wait for Klaus to finally get to the point that he must confide.)

[goji-pilled]

There's not a single day where I don't think about this particular page from the Rebellion manga it just. God.

[the-witty-pen-name]

The Nanny Pt. 7

18+ ONLY

Lee Bodecker x F!Reader

Warnings: cursing, angst, alcohol mention, food mention/eating, grief, yearning, corrupt cop, age gap (reader is in her 20s)

Based on this Request: The reader moves to Meade/Knockemstiff while answering an advertisement for a nanny in the paper. We learn that the ad was posted by Sandy, who has the reader watch her child whenever she and Carl leave to do their secret thing. After one of these trips, Sandy and her husband never return, so the reader is left caring for their baby. With the new investigation into these events, she meets Sandy’s brother Lee, the older, out of shape, alcoholic bachelor, and they are suddenly thrown into each others lives as he begins looking into his sister’s disappearance. Through it all, Lee starts to fall for her, and they slowly become a family.

Word Count: not sure- wrote it on my phone maybe 2k?

Series Masterlist / Previous Part

A/N: I hope you guys enjoy! I will reblog with the taglist soon. Let me know what you think! Reblogs are always appreciated as well! 

Every movement is frantic. It’s with urgency that his arms pull you in as close as he can manage as his hands wander. Your arms wrap around his neck to bring yourself into him, even though there was no space left between you. Nimble fingers work to undo the buttons of his uniform- anything to just feel each other. Nothing is spoken and yet, you both move with such certainty and so succinctly. Soon enough, with his lips kissing and biting down your neck as you move, you find yourself pressed against the door of his bedroom and he fumbles to get the door open.

The screaming cry of the baby makes you both jump away, eyes wide and startled out of your daze. Again, it’s all unspoken, and your fluidity of motion shifts in a new direction. Without hesitation, you're in her room scooping her into your arms as you hear Lee mutter something about getting her bottle. You try your best to not think about what just- what could have just happened, and instead work to shush the little girl back to sleep. You rock her in your arms, and walk slowly around her room- navigating around the boxes of her things Lee has yet to unpack, understandably. All of this- everything has just changed so quickly. You can’t fault him for not having prioritized putting onesies in a dresser.

Lee’s coming back with a bottle but decides to hang back a moment in the doorway before making his presence known. He selfishly gives himself a few minutes to just observe the situation before him. He can’t help but smile at the sight. You’re here, unfazed that you're still in clothes drenched by the rain, and all you focus on is humming a soft lullaby to the crying baby. It’s probably not wise, but he allows himself to be a little selfish and just take in the moment, pretend it’s something just a little more than a shit show. You’re here- you came here. For him? He hopes so. Or maybe it was her- and that’s fine with him too. It doesn’t matter really. For now, it’s like life is far from broken.

She needs you. He knows that better than anything. He’s certain. He can see the way you treat her- love her. She without a doubt needs you as a constant presence in her life. What other stability does she have? Granted she won’t remember any of this but he hopes she’ll grow up knowing you. Lee thinks he can’t be this person the way you can. He’s not the person who can be a good parent, he’s convinced. He’s not selfless the same way you are. He’s not a good person. He has done and continues to do bad things. He wants to be better and be who his niece needs, but he can’t do it both all alone.

She needs you.

He needs you.

“Here,” he says when he finally snaps himself out of his daydream. You take the bottle from him and offer it to Valerie, instantly soothing her tears.

You sit on an unopened box while she sips on the bottle, and Lee takes a seat in another across from you. The only light in the room is the little bit of light from the street lamp outside through the crevices of the shade, and the nightlight plugged in near the crib.

You sit in silence, neither one of you knowing what to say. As Valerie settles down and you have nothing to redirect your attention, the air in the room grows heavy and the silence begins to feel awkward. It’s excruciating, the silence, and it’s eating you both alive. What do you even say in a situation like this? Is there even anything to say that even begins to describe whatever it was dancing between the two of you?

You don’t even know how much time passes as you two sit there, but eventually when Val finishes the bottle, she’s back asleep, snuggling herself close to your chest. You get up carefully, and gently place the girl back into her crib. You and Lee share a knowing look, to not try to talk until you’re both out of the nursery. He gestures for you to walk out first, and then he follows, very slowly closing the door behind him.

With his hand just grazing your lower back, he leads you to the living room to sit down. You take a seat on the couch, your eyes fixated on a very faint ring on the coffee table in front of you. You were finding it so hard to make eye contact. Neither one of you knowing what to say, or wanting to be the first one to speak.

You hadn’t realized Lee had even left until he comes back with two mugs and offers one to you. You mumble a shy thank you, and the coffee instantly helps warm you up. You had been too distracted before to realize how cold you were from being soaked by the rain. He also has a towel under his arm that he drapes over your shoulders, before he takes a seat next to you.

Lee’s feeling more self conscious than usual. This was the side of him, he didn’t want you to see. He’s sure you can smell the alcohol practically coming out of his pores, and he’s in desperate need of a shave. He’s been in these clothes for the past couple of days, not being able to even find the time or the energy. They’re covered in Val’s spit up, and he’s more aware of his tummy when he isn’t in uniform. He wanted to have this part of him sorted out already, he wants to impress you. He doesn’t know why. He knows why, but he’s not ready to admit it to himself yet. After everything that’s happened, on top of it all, he can’t face the rejection from you.

You’re both hurting, and he convinces himself the kiss was nothing more than a desperate attempt for comfort. It had to be, he thinks. You’re both grieving, both tied up in a horrible twist of fate that affected you both. He can’t even think about how Sandy- his kid sister Sandy, is gone. Now that he’s lost her, he can’t also lose you. Valerie can’t lose you, and he can’t let his harboring crush ruin the one good thing she has going for her right now.

You make it so hard for him to resist you. You don’t even know the effect you have on him, but just sitting here with you makes his head spin. He desperately wants to just feel you wrapped up in his arms again, but the small glimpse he got earlier needs to be enough. He doesn’t have a choice. He’s not making choices for himself, he can’t. Not just yet.

“I’m sorry,” you say softly, finally cutting through the silence, “I- I don’t know why I came.”

“I’m happy you did.”

“This is a horrible thing to bring up right now,” you chuckle, holding back a sob, “but I don’t know what to do- you’re grieving the loss of your sister and I’m just worried about my job…”

“I want you to stay as her nanny,” he insists, quickly, his voice actually sounding relieved- even if only a little. “She needs you, if you want to… I also understand if you want to distance yourself from this…”

“I don’t want to leave her,” you insist. He actually manages a smile.

“We’ll figure out the details, when we finally manage to get back on our feet,” he reasons, and you nod in agreement, “but don’t worry about your job.”

“Thank you,” you smile, tightening the towel around you.

“Do- do you want me to drive you home?” He offers, hesitantly, not wanting you to go, but also not brave enough to ask you to stay. “Or- if you’d be comfortable, you can take the couch- if you want.”

“I won’t put you out- I should be getting back. I don’t mind walking…”

“I want you to stay,” he admits, and you find yourself unable to tear away from his gaze. His blue eyes have never bore so much emotion to you before. The practically desperate plea that tugs at his voice is straining his strong front.

His gaze is so heavy, practically spilling his heart out to you with just one look. It’s telling- no, it’s exposing. It’s him opening up his chest and pulling his heart out to give to you while it’s still beating. There’s no more games, or the little cat and mouse facade. It’s emphatically him, and the pull that keeps tethering him back to you.

When you were little, you remember a phrase that was taught to you in an attempt to keep you away from sin, or following down the wrong path.

When you dance with the devil, the devil don’t change.

Forever entangling you with your choices and bad decisions. Once you go down some roads, there’s no turning back from them. The path disappears behind you, and you can’t go back and start again. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t- because how can you live a life worth living if you don’t risk your fate.

Your fate is sealed when you kiss him.

This time it’s different. It’s purposeful and methodical, no doubt that it is indeed your conscious choice to close the spaces between the two of you. It’s so slow, it feels almost agonizing. He’s so warm, and his heat just feels so inviting that you can’t help yourself when you get pulled in.

He doesn’t even know you. He can count the interactions you’ve shared almost on one hand. But he knows, and can attest to the fact that he’s never felt this before. He doesn’t think it’s accurate to call it love- not just yet. But it shares many of the same qualities. It’s intoxicating, and simultaneously mesmerizing. It’s more than just an attraction or an infatuation- it’s a burning need to be close to you, and to immerse himself in you.

Lee’s fate was sealed long before he met you, as he made deals with his own devils. Addicted to all the material things and the power, but he feels that pull of addiction with you. And you’re the best thing he can be addicted to, a beacon of something wholeheartedly good- tugging him to be good enough for someone like you.

“We shouldn’t do this.”

His words cut through you and it’s nothing short of paralyzing. He’s gentle, and you could have seen how much it pains him to push you away if you yourself weren’t hurting from his words. You feel a million things at once. Shame, embarrassment, anger, confusion… everything desperately trying to be the forefront of your brain at once that nothing can form into anything coherent at all. It’s maddening, and all you can do is sit there dumbfounded when the man who asked you to stay is now shutting you out.

He tries to explain, and of course, he’s thinking of the little girl asleep down the hall. It’s unfair to her to put his emotions and his wants ahead of what she needs. She needs you, he believes more than she needs him. It’s a cynical and self deprecating thought to have but he can’t imagine what he can offer her if not you. It’s not rational, but not once has he ever thought rationally. She needs you, and he can risk being the one who rips you from her life.

“Valerie- she, we need to put her first. I need to be putting her first,” he sighs. You nod, still unable to even come up with something to say. You put yourself out and offered to let him in, and he just shut you out. Of course, he’s doing the right thing, but it still fucking hurts. It shakes you, and forces you out of your own daze you’d fallen in with regards to him.

You walk home in the early hours of morning with tear stained cheeks. You refused a ride from Lee, and refused to say a word as you left. You walk home like you’re on the brink of breaking into fragments. Your body is guiding you, but your brain is fogged and your eyes are weighing heavy. It’s 4am and you’re back in bed right where you started before Julie even woke up to notice you gone.

Lee’s on his couch, laying back with Valerie pulled in close to his chest as she sleeps. His mind is too busy with thoughts of you to allow him to even get a couple of hours of much needed rest. Her weight on him is comforting, and the feel of her in his arms is what he tries to focus on. She’s blissfully unaware of all the events that occurred in the house tonight, and her soft snores seem to be the only thing that helps calm his nerves. He rubs her back gently, rubbing in small circles and he watches her eyelashes flutter in her sleep and he tries to imagine what she’s dreaming about.

When you slept, it felt like only a second passed between when your eyes closed to when the bright sun woke you up. Your head hurt, and your eyelids still felt heavy, but you were nonetheless very much awake. You cringe, when the memory of last night immediately comes to mind. You needed to let go of this weight on your back, you needed to will yourself up and into the shower- just do anything besides think of Lee and the way your stomach churns thinking about his rejection.

You shower and get dressed and by the time you emerge from your room, you realize it’s 11am and Julie has long since left for work hours ago. You can’t think of one place in town you could go without the worry of running into him. His cruiser could be anywhere, and it made you want to go back to your bed and bury yourself under your blankets. You rationalize with yourself that you can’t let your fear of facing him again stop you. If you didn’t completely blow it last night, you still were Valerie’s nanny and that meant facing him everyday.

You slip on your shoes, and decide to at least venture out for a walk down to the dinner. Get a coffee, maybe something for an early lunch, and then just come back home. It was a simple task with a clear directive- and a conveniently short route which meant less of a chance of running into the sheriff. Your plan failed miserably when you opened the door and saw Lee with his hand up like he was just about to knock.

He holds up a pastry box and smiles sheepishly. He looks much better than when you last saw him. Clean shaven and in a freshly ironed uniform. His eyes were a little bit brighter and the heavy lines from lack of sleep under his eyes had faded. His cheeks are a little pink, and you can’t help but find the gesture endearing.

“I brought you breakfast,” he says, his voice hesitant. It’s like he’s worried one wrong move and the door may slam in his face. You smile, crossing your arms over your torso because of how awkward you feel as you step aside to let him in.

He stands out in your apartment. The apartment is very much decorated like two eclectic twenty-something disasters. He has a small smirk on his face looking around, observing your space and taking it all in. You mumble an apology for the little bits of clutter and you busy yourself by clearing the mess of record sleeves and magazines off of the coffee table. He takes a seat on your couch, and lets himself relax down into it. He opens up the pastry box and places it down on the coffee table.

“I- I wasn’t sure what you liked so I got one of everything,” he says shyly, and you grin. One of every kind of muffin the dinner sold lined up in rows and packaged up just for you.

“I came to apologize,” he began, and you took a seat in your armchair, wanting to keep your distance so you didn’t do anything else stupid.

“I didn’t handle myself well last night. I didn’t say what I was trying to convey to you, and it came out wrong. I hurt you, and I am so sorry,” he begins. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want you to kiss me, or that I’m not interested, or that I wanted to push you away. I wanted it, I really honestly do. And that kiss was- just… wow. I couldn’t stop thinking about it- well I still can’t stop thinking about it. And- and I realized that I need to put her first. As badly as I want to- I don’t know, kiss you again, ask you out- I can’t risk it not working out and it affecting her.

I see how you are with her, and you’re so great for her. And she needs you and I can’t fuck that up and I can’t risk whatever this is threatening that. I don’t know what I’m doing. I honestly have no idea what it takes to take care of a baby. If you left, I don’t know what I’d do. I can’t, I can’t raise her without you.”

You didn’t know your heart could ache so much. This longing that’s tugging at you is unexplainable. You don’t know him- but you desperately want to. It’s pulling you in and just breaking you with every step. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to him, or to Val or even to you to let yourself get so caught up in something you don’t understand. It’s a relief within itself to know that it’s not just you. He feels this too.

“I’m sorry,” you admit, looking down at your lap, “I’m sorry I left- and I don’t know what this is- or what happened, but you’re right and I know that. But you have my word, I promise I’m not going to let this affect my work with Valerie.”

“So- I guess I came here to ask you, if you still want to do this. If we’re on the same page, nothing between us can happen, for her sake. And we keep our rel- we keep it professional. Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

[impalementation]

spike, angel, buffy & romanticism: part 3

part 1: “When you kiss me I want to die”: Angel and the high school seasons

part 2: “Love isn’t brains, children”: Enter Spike as the id

* 

“Something effulgent”: Season five and the construction of Spike the romantic

Prior to becoming a romantic interest, Spike is everything I discussed in the last section. He is an id and a mirror for Buffy, he’s prone to both romantic exaggeration and cutting realism, and his liminality suggests ambiguity. But outside of “Lovers Walk”, the writing doesn’t actually delve too deeply into Spike’s nature as a romantic. If you stopped the canon at “Restless”, you’d probably think that Spike’s love for Drusilla was intriguing, but that the show hadn’t really gone anywhere with the implications of it, and for all you knew, that might not be an important part of his character anymore. So one of the most interesting things about season five to me, is that in this season in which the writers first consciously, deliberately decide to explore the sexual and romantic tension between Spike and Buffy, they also emphasize Spike’s romanticism more than ever. The choice to define Spike by his romanticism is a choice that follows naturally from everything established about his character, but it was also not an inevitable choice. Therefore, it’s a choice worth looking at in some detail.

Consider everything that “Fool For Love” establishes about Spike, especially the things that contradict what was supposedly canon at the time. It makes Drusilla his sire instead of Angel, meaning that he is sired by a romantic connection, and as a direct result of heartbreak. It makes him a poet living in the middle of the Victorian era, an age at odds with his previous ages of “barely 200” and “126”. Meaning that the writing specifically decides to ignore its canon in order to associate him with an era in which passions would have been repressed (rather than the Romantic era of the early 1800’s or the modern energy of the early 1900’s). Moreover, the episode reveals his entire aesthetic and personality to essentially be a construct. But most tellingly of all, it reveals him to be an idealist. Spike is not just a performance artist; he yearns for the “effulgent”, for something “glowing and glistening” that the “vulgarians” of the world don’t understand. In other words, he yearns for something bigger and more beautiful than life: something romantic. Later, he chases after “death, glory, and sod all else.” Spike may be a “fool for love”, who has a romantic view of romantic love specifically, but the episode is very clear about the fact that he is also a romantic more generally. When Drusilla turns him, she doesn’t tempt him by telling him she’ll love him forever. She tempts him by offering him “something…effulgent”. (Which, in typical Spike form, the episode immediately undercuts by having him say “ow” instead of swooning romantically). The fact that “Fool For Love”, Spike’s major backstory episode, is so determined to paint him as a romantic--and in particular, a disappointed, frustrated romantic--that it is willing to contradict canon to do so, tells you that this choice was important for framing Spike and his new, ongoing thematic role.

I’ve talked in the past about how season five is all about the tension between the mythical and the mortal--between big, grand, sweeping narratives, and the reality of being human. Buffy is the Slayer, but she’s also just a girl who loses her mother. Dawn is the key, but she’s also just a confused and hormonal fourteen-year-old. Willow is a powerful witch, but she also just wants her girlfriend to be okay. Glory is a god, but she’s also a human man named Ben, and finds herself increasingly weakened by his emotions. And Spike embodies this tension perfectly. He’s a soulless vampire with a lifetime of bloodshed behind him, but he’s also this silly, human man who wants to love and be loved. He wants big, grand things, but every time they are frustrated by a Victorian society, a rejection, a chip, a pratfall, or dying with an “ow”. Furthermore, his season five storyline is all about the tension between loving in an exalted, yet often selfish way, versus loving in a “real” or selfless way. 

There was a fascinating piece a ways back that discussed how Spike’s attempts to woo Buffy in season five almost perfectly match the romantic narratives of Courtly Love. In the words of the author:

The term "Courtly Love" is used to describe a certain kind of relationship common in romantic medieval literature. The Knight/Lover finds himself desperately and piteously enamored of a divinely beautiful but unobtainable woman. After a period of distressed introspection, he offers himself as her faithful servant and goes forth to perform brave deeds in her honor. His desire to impress her and to be found worthy of her gradually transforms and ennobles him; his sufferings -- inner turmoil, doubts as to the lady's care of him, as well as physical travails -- ultimately lends him wisdom, patience, and virtue and his acts themselves worldly renown.

You can see for yourself how well that description fits Spike’s arc. He fixates on the torturous, abject nature of his love, and has it in his head that he can perform deeds and demonstrate virtue, and this will prove to Buffy that he is worthy of her. But despite Spike’s gradual ennobling over the course of the season, I think it would be a mistake to see the season as using the Courtly Love narrative uncritically, or even just ironically. The same way it would be a mistake to see season two as using the Gothic uncritically. Spike is as much Don Quixote as he is Lancelot. He is a character that deliberately tries to act out romantic tropes, giving the writing an opportunity to satirize those tropes, including the tropes of chivalric romance. In particular, the writing criticizes Spike’s (very chivalric) fixation on love as a personal agony, something that is more about pain--and specifically, his pain--than building a real relationship. Over and over in season five, he is forced to abandon these sorts of flattering romantic mindsets in favor of a more complicated reality. 

So at first, Spike’s “deeds” tend to be shallow and vaguely transactional. He tries to help Buffy in “Checkpoint” even though she doesn’t want it (and insults her when she doesn’t appreciate it), he asks “what the hell does it take?” when Buffy is unimpressed by him not feeding on “bleeding disaster victims” in “Triangle”, he rants bitterly at a mannequin when Buffy fails to be grateful to him for taking her to Riley in “Into the Woods”, and he is angry and confused when Buffy is unmoved by his offer to stake Drusilla in “Crush”. While these attempts to symbolically reject his evilness are startling for a soulless vampire, and although Spike certainly feels like he is fundamentally altering himself for Buffy’s sake, none of it is based on understanding or supporting Buffy in a way that she would actually find substantial. Moreover, he lashes out when his gestures fail to win her attention or affection. He has an idea in his head of how their romantic scenes should play out, and reacts petulantly when reality fails to live up to it. 

But these incidents of self-interested narrativizing are also continuously contrasted with scenes in which Spike reacts with real generosity, or is surprised when he realizes he’s touched something emotionally genuine. When Buffy seeks him out in “Checkpoint”, his mannerisms instantly change when he realizes she actually needs real help (“You’re the only one strong enough to protect them”), rather than the performed help he offered at the beginning of the episode. At the end of “Fool For Love” he’s struck dumb by Buffy’s grief, and his antagonistic posturing all evening melts away. He abandons his romantic vision of their erotic, life-and-death rivalry in favor of real, awkward emotional intimacy. In “Forever” he tries to anonymously leave flowers for Joyce, and reacts angrily when he’s denied—but this time not because he wanted something from Buffy. Simply because he wanted to do something meaningful. 

This contradictory behavior comes to a head in “Intervention”, the episode in which Spike finally begins to understand the difference between real and transactional generosity. Up until that point, Spike has been reacting both selfishly and unselfishly, but he hasn’t been able to truly distinguish between them, which is why he keeps repeating the same mistakes. Although he touches something real at the end of “Fool For Love”, for instance, he goes on to rifle through Buffy’s intimates in the very next episode. And so “Intervention” has Spike go to extremes of fakeness and reality. He gives up on having the real Buffy, and seeks out an artificial substitute that lets him live out his cheesiest romance novel scripts. It’s important that the Buffybot isn’t just a sexbot, even if he does have sex with her. She’s a bot he plays out romantic scenarios with the way he played them with Harmony in “Crush”, allowing him to almost literally live within a fiction. But then he “gives up” on having Buffy in a way that’s actually real, by offering up his life. He lets himself be tortured, and potentially killed, for no other reason than that to do otherwise would cause Buffy pain. The focus is on her pain, not his. For the first time, he acts like the Knight he’s been trying to be all along. He performs a grand, heroic deed that causes the object of his affection to see him in a different light, and even grant him a kiss. Yet ironically, as part of learning the difference between real and fake, he ceases to press for Buffy’s reciprocation. Through the end of season five, Spike continues to act the selfless Knight, assisting Buffy in her heroism without asking for anything in return. Which culminates in his declaration that he knows Buffy “will never love him”, even after he’s promised her the deed of protecting Dawn, and even though she allows a kind of intimacy by letting him back in her house. He proves that he sees those gestures for what they are, rather than in a transactional light. The irony of the way Spike fulfills the narrative of chivalric romance, is that his ennobling involves letting aspects of that narrative go. 

In a Courtly Love narrative, the object of the Knight’s affection is fundamentally pedestalized. The Knight himself might be flawed, but the woman he pines after is not. She is “divinely beautiful” and “unobtainable”, something above him and almost more than human. This is why it’s so comic that in Don Quixote, which was a direct satire of chivalric romance, Alonso Quixano’s “lady love” is a vulgar peasant farmgirl who has no idea who he is. (Think of the way Spike asks if Buffy is tough in “School Hard” or threatens to “take her apart” despite “how brilliant she is” in “The Initiative”, followed by scenes where Buffy is acting like the teenage girl she is. Or how Giles in “Checkpoint” says that Buffy has “acquired a remarkable focus” before cutting to Buffy yawning.). Although it’s true that Buffy is beautiful, and supernatural, and profoundly moral, she is also very human, and the writing is very concerned with that humanity. Season five in particular, as I’ve mentioned, is preoccupied with the duality of Buffy’s mythic and mortal nature. Thus it becomes significant that Buffy is assigned such a heightened role in Spike’s chivalric narrative. Just Spike is at once Lancelot and Don Quixote, Buffy is at once Achilles, Dulcinea, and a coming-of-age protagonist. 

And part of the “lesson” of Spike’s arc is for him to see both sides of the roles they embody. One of my favorite things about the scene in Buffy’s house in “The Gift” is how adroitly it conveys the dualities of both Buffy and Spike with simple, but poetic imagery and language. Buffy stands above Spike on her steps, conveying her elevated role, and Spike honors the way her heroic status has inspired him by physically looking up to her as he explains that he expects nothing from her. But by expecting nothing from her, and promising to protect her sister, he also honors the fact that she is a real person with no obligation to him, and a younger sister she cares about more than anything. He also honors his own duality by at once making Knightly promises, and acknowledging that he sees through his former delusions: “I know that I’m a monster, but you treat me like a man.” In “Fool For Love” he tried to acknowledge the same duality of realism and romance, by declaring to Cecily that “I know I’m a bad poet, but I’m a good man.” But at the time, he was an innocent, whose desire to be seen, and whose romantic avoidance of “dark, ugly things”, left him unprepared to understand how Cecily really saw him (similar to Spike’s insistence in “Crush” that what he and Buffy have “isn’t pretty, but it’s real” just before Buffy locks him out). Spike is a character defined simultaneously by continuous disillusionment and dogged aspiration, which is why he makes perfect sense as a character to embody a season torn between the pain of being human, and the wonder of the gift of love.

Fittingly, the season ends with Spike’s most devastating loss of innocence of all. He fails to be the hero for Buffy or Dawn (note that Knightly language he uses on the tower: “I made a promise to a lady”), and he loses the woman he loves. He may have become more virtuous, but unlike in a chivalric romance, that virtue wins him neither Buffy, nor something flattering like “world reknown.” The climax of the “The Gift” is full of romance—a god, a troll hammer, a damsel on a tower, a heroic self-sacrifice, a vampire transformed into a Knight—but the end result is that Buffy is dead, in part because he wasn’t good enough, and all that he and the Scoobies can do is grieve. Stories got Spike nothing, even when reality finally lived up to them. It is a swan song to the myths of childhood, and on the other side of Glory’s portal, Spike and the other characters will have to confront a world where those myths have been left behind.

part 4: “But I can’t fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason.”: Buffy and Spike as a blended self

[hafanforever]

Reflections of a Mad Man

In my analysis “Through a Mirror Darkly”, I described how Runeard is a unique Disney main antagonist to be an evil counterpart to not only a heroic character, but to another main antagonist, that being Hans. Between the events that occur in both Frozen and Frozen II, I see that Runeard is arguably a dark reflection to Agnarr, his own son, his granddaughters, Elsa and Anna, and as I said, to Hans, another evil monarch.

Agnarr: 

Both were kings of Arendelle.

Both held a fear of magic, which ultimately caused them to lose their lives.

Both married a woman from a different land with whom they had children.

However, Agnarr was able to look past Elsa’s magic and still love her as his daughter and a person, rather than his heir, along with his other daughter Anna and wife Iduna, both of whom he also genuinely loved. His fear of magic was well-intentioned because Elsa accidentally injured Anna with her ice powers due to having trouble controlling them. Agnarr was also determined to protect his daughters, which he did by separating them, and to help Elsa learn to control her magic to prevent further accidents.

On the other hand, Runeard's fear of magic was entirely self-centered because he viewed it as a threat, but only to himself rather than his servants and subjects. He blamed all of his problems, including those that happened in Arendelle, on magic because he did not want to accept responsibility for these problems and his own misdeeds, and instead took the easy way out by blaming magic since magic cannot defend itself. Additionally, Runeard never even loved Rita and Agnarr and only saw them as assets to his status and Arendelle based on their own royal positions. He forcefully married Rita to create an alliance with her kingdom and increase his power and rank, and became annoyed and impatient when she grew sad over missing her home and yearning for freedom. When Rita left Arendelle for good, Runeard scolded Agnarr for weeping over her absence and lied to him about her being carried off by "evil spirits". He subsequently assigned Lieutenant Mattias to be Agnarr’s official guard so he wouldn’t have to be responsibility for Agnarr’s well-being himself.

Therefore, Runeard serves as a dark example of what Agnarr could have become if his father was much more personally involved in raising him.

His older granddaughter Elsa:

Both are very powerful monarchs who were the sole rulers of Arendelle (Elsa never married, while Rita eventually abandoned Runeard, leaving him as the only ruler of the kingdom).

Both kept big secrets about themselves from their kingdom, which related to their deep-rooted fear of magic.

However, Elsa feared her own magical powers since she believed that she would harm innocent people with them if she lost control, especially the people she loved. Eventually, she overcame her fear and learned to trust herself and others, despite her powers.

On the contrary, Runeard feared magic because he considered it to be a great threat and competition to his royal status and power, and to be something that made people think they were so powerful that they would defy or challenge a monarch like himself. His fear twisted into paranoia, hatred, and bigotry, which clouded and corrupted his judgment over trusting people and giving them a chance if they were magical or had magical ties. Because the Northuldra follow magic, it was that reason alone that Runeard flatly refused to ever give them a chance and believed they could never be trusted.

Therefore, Runeard serves as a dark parallel of what Elsa might have become if she allowed her fear to consume her.

His younger granddaughter Anna:

Both are rulers of Arendelle.

Both lose and/or face a disconnection from a family member due to magic. Runeard’s wife Rita leaves him after having her memories of him erased by Pabbie in order to freely exit their loveless marriage, and Anna is separated from Elsa after accidentally being injured by her, then loses her parents when they drown while trying to cross the Dark Sea to find Ahtohallan.

However, despite their separation, Anna still loved Elsa and yearned to reconnect with her. When Elsa’s powers were revealed, Anna held no spite, fear, or bigotry towards her sister, even for being magical, and instead sought to help her. She is also a very selfless extrovert who loves people, not just her sister and parents, but her servants and the citizens in her kingdom, and is always willing to help them, without holding any kind of prejudice towards those in different social classes.

At the same time, Runeard held a great amount of wrath and prejudice towards magic and anyone with ties to magic, with one of his reasons being because he blamed it for Rita leaving him. This made him instantly distrust people or beings who had anything to do with magic and stubbornly refuse to give them a chance. Since Runeard only cared about himself and the power and social rank his position as king gave him, he looked down on everyone else, especially people of the lower classes, including his servants, family, and the Arendellian citizens. He never truly cared about his wife and son or for the welfare of his people, so any concerns he ever had were only selfishly for himself.

Therefore, Runeard serves as a dark counterpart of what Anna would have become if she gave up on Elsa and learned to develop prejudice and fear towards magic.

Hans: 

Both men are monarchs who are very obsessive, manipulative, ruthless, and cruel, but fool the public by pretending to be kind, charismatic, trustworthy, and benevolent in order to gain the trust and loyalty of people just for their own personal, but selfish, interests and benefits. 

Both are also very power-hungry individuals who only care about about the power they have/crave, and have no qualms about committing treachery and murder to get what they want and protect their power.

Both sneak up on people sitting on the ground and try to murder them with their swords since they view those as standing in the ways of their goals. But while Hans failed to kill Elsa due to Anna’s intervention, Runeard successfully killed the Northuldra leader.

Therefore, Runeard is what Hans could have become if he had successfully murdered both Elsa and Anna and been crowned king of Arendelle.

[random-french-girl]

Okay, I’ve been asked to atone for my crimes by writing about Leah and Fatin, so... here you go LUCIE @goodobservationshirley​

1) I agree, I don’t think this means Fatin has changed her mind about Jeff, not in the slightest. But it’s Fatin compromising - and that’s a HUGE deal, because it’s the first time we see Fatin trying to meet someone else in the middle! It’s Fatin realizing that Leah is nowhere near ready to hear the truth about Jeff, and deciding that she’d rather make peace with Leah instead of sticking to her position. It’s a step towards reconciliation, a concession, a way to make amends after how harsh she was, and DAMN if it isn’t both: touching, because it shows how much Fatin wants them to be friends ; and frustrating, cause Leah really does not need anyone validating her feelings re:what Jeff did. I like the ambivalence, though - it’s both a sign of growth from Fatin, and a lie. It’s a kindness, and it’s not. It’s selfish, and selfless too.

2) LISTEN. Even if I take off my leatin shaped goggles: this is the scene where Fatin admits that she doesn’t know anything about love. I think this line is prompted in part by this very realization. It’s Fatin acknowledging that maybe she was mistaken, maybe she got it wrong, because, after all, she knows less than Leah on the subject of love and romantic relationship. (She’s right, but also, she’s so wrong.) It’s about Fatin having the self-awareness to admit she’s no expert on this - and implying that maybe, she’d like to learn. It’s also about Fatin giving Leah some much needed agency, as she often does, telling Leah “there is truth in how you experienced this thing that happened to you, maybe it’s not the whole truth, but it’s still true for you”. 

3) Now let’s look at this line again, but in a LFBCU context (Leatin Fuck Buddies Cinematic Universe). Imagine this conversation happening after Fatin realizes at the exact same time that a) she’s in love with Leah, it’s not just sex, b) Leah may still want to have sex with her on the island, but she will never reciprocate her feelings, because she’s still in love with Jeff...  Tell me you don’t hear something sad in her words! The defeated jealousy of it! The barely-suppressed yearning! Fatin who’s then determined to keep giving Leah any bit of comfort she can, who’s also selfishly not ready to give up on what they have, even if it kills her inside, even if it hurts so damn much that she can’t hope for more... DELICIOUS ANGST.

[lys-lilac]

Yuki Sohma: An In-depth Character Analysis

I remember getting this anime as a recommendation in summer almost 2 years ago. Right, when the reboot season 1 started. I was so engrossed in this that I can’t tell you. The theme of the series always made me keep at the edge of my seat. And yeah, as the title suggests, I got to admire him the most-

I know, many of you might think that I fell in love with his beauty after seeing him in the anime for the first time, but unfortunately, it’s a big no. I love the characters who care about others so much. And he is the perfect example.

Now, the point is, what makes him steal the top rank for me while most of the fandom is basically about Kyo and Tohru? Let me put down the points. But before that, grab your earphones or headphones, and play this song as you read about the things he has been through.

1. His selfless attitude

His kind nature shines throughout the series. We see in the beginning that it was he who discovers Tohru living in a tent. He welcomes her to stay in Shigure’s home, even after knowing that their curse is being put at risk and takes care of her fever. After she sleeps, he ventures out in the night to dig up her belongings. Even though he mentions that he had selfishly taken her just to rebel against the family curse, still this is replaced by his benevolent and sweet nature towards Tohru. As a result, their relationship is beautiful.

He also has helped her countless times, whether it’s taking her back from her relatives, or lending her hand to carry the grocery bags. These all moments define how pure their bond is and how both trust and care each other.

2. His willingness to sacrifice everything 

This point actually reminds of Kasumi Toshiki from Romance MD: Always on Call. Even though he appears plain on the surface, he can go to any extent just for the sake of her happiness. One instance of this can be from season 2 episode 22. Kyo and Tohru seem to be in the hallway, with Tohru trying to grab the script from his hands. Just then, Yuki says whether they would give him way to go upstairs. It is obvious that Yuki would have seen the whole thing, but for her sake, he doesn’t interrupt. The line he says here is-

“You are precious. I look up to you. I cherish you because you provided for me what I desperately longed for.” 

Now what did he yearn for? It was Tohru’s love and affection for him, which he didn’t get from anyone else, not even his mother when he was a child.

3. The heart-fluttering sweet moments and his character development

Ah! Thanks to the production for such sweet moments of Yuki and Tohru. Even if the ship is not canon, they will still remain my favorite.

In my opinion, this story actually portrays Yuki’s development in character more than any other thing. This is amazing. The boy, who was unable to let go of his dark past, the truth that he was after was covered with a lid, all are slowly untangled with Tohru’s compassionate nature towards Yuki. Unlike the fan club who adored him only for his looks, she sees him in a different, more friendly light, which mellows him up. What’s more, the once timid boy builds up so much courage within himself that he doesn’t get afraid of Akito anymore and confronts her face to face. The warmth he searched for, finally reaches him just like a soft feather, landing on his palm, giving a soft and soothing touch of happiness. 

Let’s look at this background here. Yuki is surrounded by chinese bellflowers, which symbolize honesty, unchanging love and obedience. In his hand lays a white rose, which means, devotion, and innocence. The color white itself and his name are a symbol of peace and silence. This actually is an imagery for his character, and it resembles it truly.

Yuki had no intentions of getting on bad terms with Kyo. But it’s seen in episode 20, that Kyo shouts at him outside the banquet saying it was all his fault. Although he was small, but those words were like a heavy blow to him. What’s more, even when he comes back crying hoping for his mom to console him, she slaps him and warns him not to disappear again. (Noo... T^T)

(Kyo shouts this to him outside the hall.)

There is some fault with Kyo as well for this point. All Yuki wanted was to become friends with him. He yearned for the parental love and friendship which Kyo had since his childhood. But, the latter has the misunderstanding that Yuki had everything.

Yuki says this when he remembers that Kyo didn’t take the hat from his hand when he gives him. This makes him cry so hard, cause he was just a little child going through these painful things, all at once.

“There was something I wanted. Parents who would embrace me. A home I wanted to return to.” 

(Yuki cries after being ignored by Kyo.)

Even though Kyo’s behavior initially compelled him to be like that, even though he knew that there is a lot Kyo was internally suffering from, but in episode 22, he just couldn’t take it anymore. Instead of debating, he stays silent and shows his most vulnerable and hurt face to Kyo, because he didn’t want things to end up like that between them. He didn’t want the person he admired to lash out at him every time, when he was at no fault at all, and still is the prey of Kyo’s anger and apathy. This only leaves Kyo speechless, making him break the window out of frustration. This part pains me a lot, because Kyo had at least someone he can throw out his anger and put the blame. But Yuki didn’t even had that.

There is again this pretty imagery here. Yuki, when looking at Kyo, is bathed with the sunlight. This symbolizes the change he has gone through and accepted it, which is really stunning to notice. 

[The rest are in paragraph form from here]

Now that I have talked much about his positive points, let’s explore a hot topic which is often a reason of disagreement between Yuki’s fans and Kyo’s fans.

What are Yuki’s actual feelings towards Tohru? 

I know that almost all the fandom here will say these feelings which he talks about is what a mother would give to his child. And this point strengthens a lot more as it was confirmed by the author. If that’s the case, then let me state my thoughts on this, which are opposite to the author’s.

Let’s again move back to episode 22 of season 2. In the first half, Yuki talks to  Kakeru about his first meet with Tohru when he was a child. At that time, he was tortured so much by Akito, both physically and mentally, that he thinks that there is no purpose of his life, and he is not needed by anyone at all. With this thought in mind, he disguises himself with a baseball hat and runs away from the Sohma estate. After some time, he discovers Tohru’s mother, Kyoko, crying because she was missing. He suddenly remembers to have seen her earlier, crying in the street, and helps her to reach her mother. At last, he places the hat on her head and disappears. It is later seen that he has converted to his rat form, and cries on realizing that at least at that point, he was needed by Tohru, and his thoughts were proved wrong. 

He mentions that he almost forgot to ask her name at that time. And when he again was hitting the bottom, Tohru approaches him in the high school, slowly building courage and giving love to him. He also discovers later that the girl, whom he once his hat was none other than Tohru. With things unravelling, their bond becomes stronger. 

But, although he mentions that he had only motherly affection towards her and couldn’t see her in a romantic light, I still doubt the line itself.

“But she appeared before the hopeless me once again. To be with me, close to me. She even listened to what someone like me had to say. Time after time, she accepted me time and again. She’s beloved to me. Like how the sky feels so close, yet so far.”

This line, although somehow shows that Yuki is saved by Tohru every time he is in need of it, but it feels weird to say that he only thinks of her as a mother here. I mean, one can also feel like this if he/she is helped by a good friend, or a dear one. And Yuki also mentions that she is beloved to him. But, what about the last line? Doesn’t it sound like, he can’t reach her even if she was close to reach? Because this is the exact meaning. If we analyze word by word, then this makes sense, as Yuki had already realized by that time that Kyo and Tohru had mutual feelings towards each other. In fact, he says it himself that it dawned on him in the last episode of season 1 when Tohru chases after Kyo into the forest, the latter being converted to his monster form. And how could he not? This guy is mature enough to figure out anything. Then this would have been nothing.

One instance of this realization could be the beach arc episode 7 , where he says-

“I probably actually knew, in the back of my mind. What would happen if I opened the lid. What I must do. Thanks for always being willing to lend an ear. Thanks for always accepting my weaknesses.... You probably don’t know that you are the one who’s always saving me. You always shared your kindness, warmth, and joy with me. That’s why, I won’t lose. I will keep going forward, and keep believing.”

Tohru asks the exact thing which was going on my mind listening to that voice acting. Why did he look so sad there? And Yuki replies that she is just like the sky, very dear to him. Doesn’t it sound exactly like a confession to a person about what she did for you till now? Yuki already had realized that, and this is just a proof. He sounds sad, and he also compares her to the sky. The metaphor which comes to mind is that he is basically symbolizing that her vast expanse of kindness is just like the sky, which is so close, yet so far. Even if he wanted, he can’t keep her all to himself. That’s why he just says that she is dear to him. The way it is portrayed here, is just like saying goodbye before parting ways. Huh... I didn’t continue the season afterwards because of this scene. T~T

(Why, why did he cry after saying that she was dear to him....? Isn’t it right in front of your eyes? *sobs*)

And, if he only sees her as a mother, then what does this mean-

“I was so confused, not to mention incredibly embarrassed. I wasn’t sure how to deal with it, so I didn’t. I shut it away immediately. I stuffed those feelings down, teased and flirted like a normal guy with the girl he likes. But still, it felt wrong.”

It’s clear here. He had somehow developed romantic feelings for her, earlier. But when he realized it was not what he meant, and saw the gradual progression of Tohru and Kyo liking each other, he changes his mind, thinking that he might have been wrong the whole time. That the feelings he harbored for her weren’t correct. But when he thinks of her as a mother, he feels embarrassed. And it’s no different. Why wouldn’t anyone feel like that if it’s someone of your age? This implies that their relationship wasn’t a romantic one, but not a motherly one either.

Kakeru asks the same thing next. He says that maybe he has twisted his thoughts and feelings just after knowing that he had lost her to Kyo. But Yuki denies it saying-

“It’s not true why I feel like this. But, he properly sees her as a woman. He loves her. You can see it in his eyes. Her too. The way she looks at him... But I... I don’t want that! That isn’t what I want! I’d feel... so lonely. I am not willing to give up. I don’t know when to give up.”

(Such a pure boy... Just cried after saying that... )

Definitely as said above. He is obviously jealous of Kyo here. Not in a romantic way, but because he didn’t want Tohru’s kindness and hope she gave him to recede away. Even if it was like a good friend, he wanted to stay by her side. He is mature enough to see the bonds that she and he shared. And he is not the type to fret over getting rejected or anything like that. Moreover, you can already get a hint from the line that he approved of Kyo and Tohru. This always impresses me. The bond that these two have is so beautiful and unspoken, that it transcends romance itself. 

Although this is probably half of my reasonings, I will stop here. Although I covered the most important ones here, but I wanted to discuss many other scenes too. Let’s keep it for next time!

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket SE02, Ep16

i believe there are more than one foolish traveler in Furuba with varying degrees of altruism, kindness & selflessness. The core idea of the foolish traveler story wasn’t to encourage kindness but as a somber warning that such kind souls are taken advantage of by others due to their altruism. The story don’t teach you to stop foolish travelers (you can’t), but take from their kindness without “killing” them in the process. So far three foolish travelers:

Haru is healthiest example. already discussed in past posts.

Momiji: stands in the middle. His story is cruel yet he tried to find the balance between giving too much vs caring for his own self. (more on how/why in his dad’s section).

Tohru is the prime example & the real version of foolish traveler story. We’re watching her collapse under the pressure of always giving too much of herself. We saw too much in SE01, now she’s entering the lion’s den on behalf of Arisa’s lost love. Many examples with many emotional scars after each reckless decision.   

Will Tohru meet the same end as the traveler in the story? Will she give everything, gains nothing & say thank you? or will she acknowledge her own needs as rightful, stand up for her desires, not for altruistic reasons, but cuz SHE wants sth for herself & SHE acknowledges that SHE deserves to get what she selfishly wants!

The Villagers/demons in the foolish traveler story:

In the story the villagers/demons took advantage of the traveler’s kindness & killed her. In real life, these villagers aren’t strangers, they’re family & friends. They aren’t demons, they’re loved ones who truly love you. Still some take advantage of you. How many times have you seen someone kind be content with so little as long as others happy? they ask politely, the person feels obligated or too kind to say no. Until one day. they ask for too much & if the person refuses. They’re shocked/offended & hurt. All while feeling the person is okay cuz he/she never asked for more. That’s momiji’s dad. He loves his son dearly but wants his wife & daughter more. Momiji understands. He always does. He’s a mature boy. Asking momiji to pretend he isn’t his son, to live apart, to quit his hobby. Every time momiji said yes. How could he not? he loves his mom/dad, wants his sister to enjoy the family he never had (selfless desires). But he also wants his sister to know him! to perform for his family exclusively. (selfish desires). Two desires clash. Momiji is sad & broken.

How is momiji different from tohru then?

Momiji acknowledges his selfish desires. He knows he deserves them. He openly speaks when tohru asks him. Hence, he’s rewarded. His sister wants him as big brother regardless of blood relations, She seeks him thro tohru. Momiji will get his sister sooner or later despite the cruse/trauma.

What abt tohru?

Tohru embarks on a reckless adventure using Arisa as a front. She convinces herself that’s it’s purely for a friend. It isn’t. she knows it, ashamed of it, denies it. hides it. Doesn’t open up to momiji .Keeps it all inside. She breaks down seeing all these living ppl yearning for each other yet choose to stay apart. Thoru would do everything she can for one extra moment with her mom. hear her voice once more. just once. grief returns full force a year later to tohru, cuz it was never giving a chance to be acknowledged!. “my mom is with me” was the mantra she lived by. As tohru refused to acknowledge her mom’s absence, the pain grows & the loss intensifies. The void in her heart where her mom used to be while alive, is no longer filled by her mom’s memory. Why? cuz it’s been a year!!!!! it gets harder & harder living after a loved one leaves the longer time passes cuz you can no longer deceive yourself, cuz yearning becomes harder, cuz their voice, laughter, smell, presence fades as time passes & it hurts! like million knives stabbing you. How dare you feel they’re fading? How dare you NOT remember them each & every moment. How dare you let them go~ oh tohru~ I feel you. I know this feeling very well, unfortunately.

The tears of yearning & loss fall again:

The rooftop scene is another example of brilliant writing. The writer sweeps stealthily into our minds duplicating another roof scene as early SE01, Ep 4! This time the writer switches places to showcase growth! brilliant!!. The two scenes parallel each other to the smallest detail of one crawling/walking towards the other. Ep.4 rooftop scene marked the beginning of tohru breaking thro kyo’s harsh exterior, getting him to open up abt his precious master, she earned his awkward trusting smile. This time kyo broke through tohru’s mask once again, noticing the tiniest details of her dirty clothes & down spirit. He doesn’t push her too much. He gives her enough space to talk & keep the parts that she wants hidden. However, this time they’re both different ppl than when they were in Se01, ep.4.

tohru is openly down, sitting more comfortably in her pajama. She’s the one who escaped to his quiet rooftop. She didn’t apologize for taking his spot, didn’t fret abt annoying him. She was at ease in his space/place. She let her guards down & altho she kept her secrets, she tried to convey her feelings of sadness. This is a New Tohru. A tohru much more comfortable with herself around kyo to start complaining without much urging.

Kyo’s entire demeanor is relaxed & chill. from the way he walks, until how he sits so close to her to the way he extended his hand & wiped her tears. While kyo initially misunderstood that tohru had boyfriend, he wasn’t wrong at all in associating her words with romantic love. “you want to be with someone you like, want to be near them” That’s him!! despite deciding to not pursue tohru, being near her is the entire purpose of him still existing in this house. The uneasiness he feels with time running fast before graduation/confinement is all due to him feeling not enough time to be near her! Altho kyo believed tohrun not having a boyfriend, realizing that tohru might have one eventually hurt him deep. Yet, he’s determined to be The New Foolish Traveler in Tohru’s Story. I’ll give my life in return for your happiness. I don’t mind dying in a cell if you you could smile. even if you love another man. I don’t matter. I’ll wish for YOUR tears to stop. He tells her that but with kinder words. “i’ll support u if you have one”. Tohru got it. She got the true meaning mixed with a hint of misunderstanding that stems from her inferiority complex: (I won’t be with you. You’ll loose me. I’ll soon disappear from your life. This quiet moment together will soon be a memory. I’ll die in a cell & you won’t be with me = truth). Misunderstanding: (I don’t love you romantically, I’m just kind to you = tohru’s low self worth will hinder her from seeing the obvious that could be seen from the moon! this boy is melting for her). ~~Tow foolish travelers on the rooftop~~

Side Notes:

The anime disappoints me again with the tohru’s over-dramatic animation.I wanna ask the director: are we reading the same story? Tohru’s pain breaks thro my laptop screen & suffocates me. You don’t need to add this over exaggerated convulsive movement to her. Why only her?? You can’t extract extra tears from us with such addition. it backfires. it makes us laugh/go wth! be annoyed. Am i the only one who feels weirded out by tohru’s animation during emotional moments? Take out tohru’s convulsive 5sec movement & you’ll get 10 out of 10 heartbreaking scene!.

Kureno.. i duno.. sth is off abt him & i can’t figure out what! like.. i don’t feel he’s bad/evil or anything.. he feels like nothing, which is the weirdest feeling I’ve ever had abt a character. I’ll hold on talking more abt him for now until I see more of him.

Who is this blind lady? Her red bright nail polish reminded me of kyoko’s.

Tohru’s voice over on top of shots of momo/momiji/ kureno is epic! cuz her words have already been established in the scenes we saw in the ep. It didn’t ruin or foretell anything we haven’t explored within the ep. Add violin music that is actually played by a character within the ep, add moonlight light that all characters look at now, add the fact that her words describe her current situation with kyo & add kyo’s response! Brilliant! I’ll give the Director the credit he deserves in this scene. It was one of the best visual scenes in furuba & it works more cuz it was given space to play out naturally. nothing seems forced or consciously inserted or inconsistent or overplayed. slowly moving the camera to the sky above shigure’s rooftop & close the ep with one last callback to ep, 4. old scene ended with kyo smiling, now we hear tohru’s small laugh, . subtly telling you~hey, we went full circle with these two & you didn’t even realized when & how~10 out of 10! 

[tellytantra]

Samaina OS Phir Dosti? It was a very humid day, the dark grey clouds so full, but still not ready to let out all that they were holding inside. In some ways this matched Naina's state of mind too. Nothing was black and white anymore, all that was happening in her life was embroiled with shades of grey. Her future, present and past. Even the parts which had been pure and pristine white were now speckled with the grey. The saying that we cannot change the past was proving to be a falsehood. Though the past cannot be altered how we remember it can be changed. These days she moved in a haze, constantly trying to hold in the deluge of emotions that threatened to burst out at any moment and destroy the calm facade that she had so painstakingly created. As the bell marked the end of another lecture, Naina along with Preeti and Swati gathered their books and slowly exited the classroom. Only to run into a hyper Kamya and Hema who had news that Sharad's mom was visiting the college and carrying out a character check. At the moment, she was headed to the cafe to confront Sameer armed with some gossip about him and Naina. Hema voiced her concerns about what he might reveal, scared that he might destroy Naina's reputation. Naina rushed towards the cafe. No, she was not scared of what he might say about her, she knew him too well. Not for a moment did she doubt his protective instinct when it came to her. But, she was scared of the scene he might create or how he might tell off anyone who went around questioning her character. His hot-headedness had always been his weakness. But that day there was no need for her to be afraid cause the maturity and sly with which she saw him handling Sharad's mother left her in awe. As others turned indignant at all the apparently insolent things that he said about her, Naina's eyes moistened in understanding and gratitude. In that moment all that she could see was his growth and transformation. The boy who was ready to pick arms and rush into battle ever so thoughtlessly had morphed into this young man who knew where words were mightier than the sword, strategy more important than just attack.  And seeing this person, her heart swelled in pride, knowing that she and her love had played a part in this transformation. If nothing else, she would at least have that, the satisfaction of having touched his life for the better in some way. Maybe that would be enough, knowing that she had left a mark on him in some way. After all isn't that the true measure of a life well spent? Convincing Preeti that she needed a few moments to herself, Naina ambled away to a quite corner overlooking the playground and settled there still deep in thought. As she pondered on all that had changed in him, she started wondering about all that was still to come, all that he would still become. All that she would miss. How would he look ten, twenty or thirty years from now? Would his shoulders grow even broader? Or would he put on a lot of weight and end up with a paunch? How would he look wearing reading glasses? And his beautiful hair... would they always have the ability to make the females around miss a few heartbeats? For a moment she very selfishly hoped that he would go bald sooner rather than later... well just for a moment! For years she had dreamt of a life together, some dreams which she had shared with him but so many that were left unsaid, stored away for another day or for the right time to come. All the hopes that she had carried in her heart for him; some her own, some his and some inherited from his loved ones like Nanu. She wondered how many would come true. And which of his dreams would he let go as he was forced to let go of her? The home that he had dreamt of, would he still build it and share with another? She knew she had stopped dreaming. Her life now revolved only around memories. Memories when they had smiled together with their hearts. She recalled the time when his mom had got him a new bike while in Delhi. He had been bursting with excitement as he described it to her over the phone. All he could have said that it was a black Hero Honda and she would have known exactly how it looked, there were hundreds of those in Ahmedabad. But she had indulged him and listened attentively as he described the colour of the mudguard, the pattern on the seat cover and the texture of the hand grips. She listened and saved every syllable that he uttered close to her heart to replay it a thousand times till she saw him again. And then his voice had sounded a little low as he expressed how this experience wouldn't be complete till she sat on it. That day he also told her how happy he had been when she had sat in his car the first time, when they had gone around distributing Pooja Didi's wedding cards, even though she had been angry at him. Finally, he got a pair of eyes painted on the bike's number plate, saying that at least this way his Naina would always ride with him. She had been overjoyed with this gesture. She now wondered about all the new vehicles that he would buy over the years and if his heart will yearn for her just a little in those moments. And there was that time when one day at the start of the college, he had handed her a small gift, wrapped very prettily. She had been puzzled as there didn't seem to be any occasion to necessitate it. On his urging, she had unwrapped it to find a very beautifully carved wooden jewellery box. Sameer had explained that he had brought it for her from his first earnings while working at the radio station in Delhi. But had not got a chance to give it to her during the whole stupid manhoos phase. He then went on to say that it was empty today, but he would fill it over the years. She had cheekily remarked that it was quite small, and did he mean to imply that he would buy her very little jewellery? He had laughingly pulled her pony. Well, seemed like the biggest treasure of her life was now going to be an empty box. No, not empty, it would store all their memories. So many milestones that she would miss. The journey ahead would be long and lonely. She felt like she was becoming something of an expert in seemingly walking ahead while looking back all the time. One lone tear caressed her left cheek, which she quickly wiped away, reminding herself this wasn't the time. The long dark nights while her sister slept soundly were reserved for this. Another skill she had mastered now was how to cry soundlessly. She was sure it would come extremely handy in the future too. Right now, it was time to thank him for his generosity, for his kindness and for his selflessness. Everything that she believed she did not quite deserve. But then the give and take in their relationship had always been unconditional at its core. Love comes with expectations, friendship doesn't, and they had started as friends. Swati had been her best friend since her early childhood and she would never want to trivialise that bond, but her friendship with him had been so unique. All her hopes and dreams that she had never been able to voice so freely with anyone else, had spilled out in front of him so naturally. Naina walked to the bike stand where he stood with his pillars, Munna and Pandit. The pillars silently walked away, subconsciously recognising that while she was around, just one was enough to hold him upright. Rather awkwardly she thanked him, and he awkwardly accepted her thanks. Things that used to come so naturally now felt forced and formal. Suddenly her longing for his quick easy smile and few more memories to add to her box overpowered her better judgement and she proposed the middle ground. Could they be friends again? Sameer was stunned by this proposal. Friends, just friends with her... what did that mean? And was it not impossible? He had no answer and watched her walk away with a heavy heart. There were no scales that could have determined whose heart was heavier in that moment. Hours later Sameer lay in his bed thinking about what she had said. She had thanked him for his kindness today. Why? Since when did this need to thank each other for being human start arising between them? And why did his friends praise him for this apparent act of benevolence towards her? Had he really done anything extraordinary? Was this behaviour so unexpected from him these days?  When had everyone decided that she no longer came first for him? If that was true, that woman's words today about Naina and her son being the Best Jodi would not have pierced his heart as they did. He had seen pride in her eyes today at his level headedness, at his impulse control. His friends had complimented him on it too. But, he knew that praise and pride were misplaced. He knew he had failed, when he had proposed to Sunaina. Anger had once again got the better of him and once again he had created a mess. As he pondered on all this, an English movie was playing on the TV, which he wasn't really watching but the background noise helped keep an overwhelming sense of loneliness at bay. A scene played in the movie where someone had died, and friends and family were gathered in the church to pay their respect. Few people delivered their eulogies, which was then followed a shot of the gravestone mentioning the dates of birth and death. Sameer contemplated on what the world perceives as the defining moments of one's life and the how this is probably not true at all. Obituaries mention the date of birth and demise, professional positions held, and the number of children left behind. But is this what life is really defined by? Where do all the important moments in which one feels truly alive get lost? When family and friends spoke about his Nanu, they mentioned all his accomplishments that they deem worthy of mention, his business and charity. But Sameer knew that Nanu's eyes would really light up when he reminisced about his Nani. The way his voice turned all tender and eyes misty as he shared the memories of the love and care she had showered on him. He recalled Nanu sharing the incident of his mandir meeting with his Nani and the cow tail slapping incident. He had suddenly seemed so young again and also so eager to talk about the adventures of his youth. Sameer felt a sense of crushing loss as he realised that he could never share the memory of his mandir dates with anyone. When others around him talked about their favourite mode of transport, he would not be able to mention his as a paddle boat, because he had once shared it with a pretty girl in pink. Post his demise, no one would ever think that maybe the reason the crow was not touching the food offered, was because his soul was hankering for the extra sweet candy floss that had been touched by her lips. That and so many endless memories close to his heart would have to be locked up somewhere, like a closet in the attic that people are hesitant to approach. A couple of days back, while he was sitting with Munna-Pandit and Sunaina, he had absentmindedly quoted some shayari about moon and loneliness - Chaand khaamosh ja raha tha kahin, Hum ne bhi uss se koi baat na ki. Sunaina had tittered thinking he was saying something as a compliment to her. Munna-Pandit as expected had not understood a word and had looked at the sky wondering how he was able to see the moon at high noon. Munna had remarked that probably the moon was off to the market for some shopping and laughed at his own joke. Sameer had also good naturedly joined in. But in that moment, he has missed her so intensely. She had understood him. Really understood him. And all that was said and unsaid between them. She understood his silence even on the phone and she read the unwritten words in his letters. He would terribly miss that. Even before he fell in love with her, he had marvelled at how she understood him, he had felt he had finally found a real friend. A friend he could connect with on a deeper level, not just for the fun and jokes. God knew how much he loved his crazy duo, but sometimes one needs someone with whom you can bare your soul. She had seen through his carefully erected perfect facade and reassured him that what he was hiding inside considering as ruins was a place of beauty too. Not only had she found it worth visiting, she had made it her home. How can you let go of a friend like this? Sameer jumped out of his bed and dialled her number. She picked it up even before the first ring was completed. And her hello laden with expectations was enough to tell him that she had been waiting for his call, even now sure that he would call. And once again his silence was enough. Fortunately, they were both saved from using any unnecessary words to break the beautiful silence as someone called out to her. Years later they would hear therapists and psychologist using the term closure and the importance of closure. But that day they had unknowingly tried to find it for themselves. They had attempted to hold on to the beauty of their relationship and not mar all their memories. Woh afsana jise anjam tak, lana na ho mumkin,Use ek khubsurat mod dekar, chhodna achchha... SixteenAgain

http://jodifiction.blogspot.com/2020/08/samaina-os-phir-dosti-yudkbh-ashi-singh.html

[lettersfrommybedroom]

Winter solstice. Ever-suffocating, strangulating. The most unmelodious, pristine time of all the year, when the harsh lines of the disrobed trees would heinously coincide with the undefiled, proud cushions of snow. A time where the insipid skies would diagnose the earth with anaemia; earth would accept its seasonal deformities with docility, having to ashamedly live with itself through its most abominable and abhorred state. The Winter Famine was sitting on his majestic throne; its harshest acme. In this region of the land the people will become suffocatingly selfish. The farther, the more caliginous area in the woods, the more insatiable. Every animal alive exhibits its ribcage like a desperate, prolonged, howl for attention. The soil of The Woods rejects this dismal ejection of pain and swallows its vegetation selfishly. We will continue to yearn. There is a story of a man; so old he appeared floating and friable, as if his brain was sinking ingloriously into earth’s withered hands, swallowing; consuming; unwinding; disentangling through the grit and the leaves of his own life. As if his body was on the precipice of collapsing in on itself, diminishing and unravelling. His cottage sat in solitude, on the hinterland of The Woods, anaesthetizing itself by sitting in such all-consuming silence – as if the silence injected the melancholy. On the third midnight of February, his hungry hallucinations became so egregious – his eyes transformed into a monochrome kaleidoscope of living organisms and ravenousness; he would consider eating the nightshade berry outside of his doorway – for there was nothing else alive within a 2000 mile radius – was it guaranteed fatal? Hunger hallucinations will teach you odd things. Looking at the paper-skin on his arm, he reached to touch with his forefinger, to see if there was life beyond the thin, colourless creases. In between his jagged nightmares, the fulgent flashes, the speeding up and plummeting down of his sanity, the pressing and sinking of his finger into his arm skin promised blood, and fat, and flesh, and flesh, and flesh. It promised flesh. In only an amount of time – only when his beastly hysteria has claimed the entirety of his mind, will his head lean down, will his grey lips touch the skin of his arm, will his teeth meet his own flesh with a soft-sinking, perhaps followed by an oblivious crunch, and the carmine-red blood, sourced from the rich organ of savagery, blooming and blossoming absent-mindedly within, will overflow. The hunter, three weeks later, found the man draped over his kitchen table, served like a last-minute meal to himself, only no forks, or spoons – a mere set of teeth. He was taken away to decompose in forest-shrubs, only the nights were so cold, sometimes his entire body would freeze over with the hateful breath of winter. Come Spring, the deer stood patiently, poised, placidly around the remains of The Psychotic Man, their tongues flicking, and lifting, licking. It is midwinter, and it is quiet and cold weather. Such innocence a child’s mind will possess. Such pale, lyrical cheeks and unspent hands have known too much of summer, and of clean sheets, and of love, to ever know the barbaric, callous nature of winter and all that lives throughout. Famine will soon consume. A mother’s love is all-consuming, is it not? It is proprietorial. It transcends all pre-existing boundaries of love to enter the unspoilt realm. During this merciless winter, a match will be played. The Mother will tie her laces and The Hunger will rehearse its movements. Eventually, after a perpetuated tournament, agonisingly discharging lugubrious noises, after stiff bones have succumbed, the drawn-out contest will stumble, and cease and limply decline, rolling and tumbling exhaustedly over the margin of victory, and of love, and will continue to plummet, while Hunger will sit and watch. Hunger will know of the pain The Mother suffers and will smirk unsympathetically at the selfishness of humankind. The Boy and The Girl now wait in the woods – their mother having capitulated to Famine. Two down – double the food. The Mother will no longer have to search at all times of the day, and at all times of the night, to find a nettle bush to boil and stew, to give The Boy and The Girl, without a bowl to herself. She will no longer have to uphold the unbearable weight of selflessness. Improvidently, The Boy and The Girl’s uncontaminated minds will continue to walk through the woods for an amount of time that is unmeasurable. They will search for a sign of existence in these dead, idle woods. Ah! A house! (however small). A yellow light. An indication of occupance. The sound of stirring. Of water running. Of wood and leather tap tapping against cobbled floor. The clinking of precious possessions. The knock-knock pattern of a child’s skeletal, white knuckles against a mahogany door and the gentle screech of its hinges; the woman behind (however old). Her eldritch ways. Her fingers, the colour of pale wheat – her eyes the colour of grey, as if she had her very own winter solstice transpiring within her. Squinted eyes. She smiles. A feast laid upon them! A feast of ancient times. Of onions and cabbage and bottled preserves and of boiled apples and seeds – the faint-worthy scent of rich plums; such abundance of life. A seasonal spring on a kitchen table. Eat! She tells. Eat! It will fatten you up. They eat. They feed their minds and they feed their hearts more than they will ever feed their thirsty, wolfish gut. Insatiable bodies. Insatiable beasts. Such innocence will be lost in the eyes of frenzied behaviour. Eat! We will continue to eat after all is gone. We will continue to eat for the means of our deliration. We will eat the skin. We will eat your skin. Their very own self-sympathy will gnaw away at their bloodied brains. The insanity of their possessed minds will radiate a fluorescent chartreuse-green, looking directly into the very eyes of reflected innocence; they will perform, nonchalantly, the Adagio Dance Routine, and descend happily into the knowledge that they were impotent to their lunacy. Ratiocination never existed. The wind whistles through their teeth. Though their bones. And the old woman. She may join, in time. After The Boy and The Girl have served themselves to her. After The Boy and The Girl have flopped. She will break the skin – with a fork or a knife? The blood of internal evil will overflow. Ah – Famine! How cruel you are.

Hansel and Gretel Subversion, original 

[forsakenedknight-blog]

Want (Preston Garvey x f!Sole)

It’s been 6 months now, 6 months since the vault dweller resurfaced from vault 111 and 6 months of mix feeling feelings for Preston. Half a year ago Preston’s might have taken away his life along with any hope of the resurrection of the minutemen if not for the woman he now refers to as “General”.  The past 6 months have been nothing but a blessing for Preston, ever since that moment Nora picked up that laser musket in front of the museum of freedom, their lives has changed completely. Nora saved their lives, help rebuild it back at sanctuary and most importantly she returned their motivation to continue living.

 As the days and nights passed travelling with Nora, watching and listening to her react and talk something deep down in him changed. He didn’t know how to put it in words, something about her just makes him admire her in a way he has never felt before. What was it that made him so drawn to her? Is it her selflessness? Or perhaps it’s her ability to make him feel that the minutemen might have had a chance in a comeback? Or maybe it was her ability to stay caring and humble even after everything that has happened to her family? Whatever it was, it made him dizzy and hazy, it distorted the way he looked at her.

 To be honest Preston hadn’t thought much about Nora’s looks when they first met. According to him Nora looked average, she was just like any other girl, there was nothing special about the way she looks. Preston didn’t know when he started to realize this and it was embarrassing for him to admit it because of how sappy and over dramatic all of this sounds but he couldn’t help but feel everything about Nora was beautiful. The way her hair sways in the wind, that look of determination in her stunning eyes, even a soft simple smile made her seem way more beautiful than any woman he has ever seen. Everything she did, even the dullest and boring of activities seem magical now, it was as if she sprinkled a bit of a magic in everything she did.

 All of this baffled him to no end. What did he do to deserve such a wonderful person in the middle of this big mess of a nuclear fallout? How is it possible that she stays so kind, selfless and caring to everyone? Nora in his eyes is like an angel who rose from the depths of earth to heal his wounds, she is just so beautiful, so godlike, so heavenly.

 Perhaps a woman like Nora was all he ever wanted, her love was the last missing bit to complete his life. Preston now yearned for Nora’s love, he longed for Nora’s touch and sweet gentle words. He didn’t know how much longer he could silence his throbbing heart for Nora.

 There was nothing more he wanted than Nora. He thought about her every day and night and the more he thought about her, the more he realizes what a fool he is. How dare he selfishly wish to keep Nora for herself? How dare he wish to hog Nora all for himself when the whole commonwealth needed her? How stupid of him to think that he was the only one who wanted Nora’s attention. So many people in the commonwealth loves and admires her, what is he compared to all of them? Nora probably sees him as boring and uninteresting, especially with all the “another settlement needs your help” thing. Heck maybe she’s still not ready to move on from Nate! All of this just proves that he was nothing but a mere dust in her life.

 Preston has finally accepted the truth. He might have been the first person to fall for Nora but he won’t be the last, and certainly won’t be the only one and definitely most certainly won’t be the one she loves back. So until a miracle happens, he’ll just lock up all these silly thoughts and feelings in his chest and wait, wait until forever comes.

[aaronstories]

Strawberry Man in: The Berry Beginning

When Steven Strawberry was young, his school went on a field trip outside of the city. Waiting at the crowded bus terminal, Steven saw a crowd gathering in one corner. Sitting in the corner was an Artichoke dressed in tie-dye and worn out jeans, strumming his guitar. Some people were dropping coins on the floor in front of him, but everyone was listening to his music. He didn’t sing, only played his music, and the soft melody of his guitar resonated with everyone there.

Steven was soon dragged away by his teacher, and reluctantly boarded the bus. The entire time, however, all he could think about was that one image. The Artichoke Drifter, casually playing his guitar. What if he had been doing this in other places as well? Could that be all he did? Just travel all around the world, playing his guitar? The idea of this lifestyle greatly influenced Steven. When he returned home, Granny Smith had asked him “So, Steven, what did you learn on your trip?” Steven replied “what I want to do with my life.” Due to the fact that his field trip was to a meatpacking plant, this became the source of the many strange aprons and cleavers that he would receive as birthday presents all throughout his life.

Steven eventually got a guitar, and became eager to leave Salad City to fulfill his life’s dream. A student at Cabbage College, the 20 year old Strawberry graduated early and purchased the first bus ticket anywhere, intent on satiating his repressed wanderlust. With nothing but a few pairs of clothing, a small backpack, and his guitar, Steven bid farewell to his old College roommate Gabriel Grape and to Granny Smith. This is where his story begins.

Salad City, at this time, had a hero. The mystical sorcerer, Dr. Date. Though the source of his magical talents were a mystery, his dedication to protecting Salad City was known to all. However, he was growing old. Shriveling up and weakening, Dr. Date could no longer protect the city. His nemesis, the Tropicana Family, had meticulously planned the hero’s downfall. Sabotaging police mobility, cutting off escape routes, engineering multiple disasters across the city; all of this was to exhaust and weaken Dr. Date before they could finally take him out once and for all.

A train derailed downtown, a car crash at a major junction, an ambulance with its breaks cut; these were merely a few of the disasters that Dr. Date had to solve single handedly. It was after he saved a burning bus filled with sick orphans that he saw, sitting in a bench by the bus terminal, Steven, just causally strumming his guitar, seemingly at ease while the city was falling apart around him.

Now, Dr. Date was normally a calm and patient man. However, after the absurd effort he had been putting in, seeing someone just lazily strum a guitar while Dr. Date has been doing everything alone was quite infuriating. But, nonetheless, Dr. Date was a hero above all else. Nothing could make him angrily berate an ordinary citizen who had not committed any crimes.

*CRASH*

An 18-wheeler had swerved off the road to avoid the smoldering remains of a bus. The large cargo lift it was carrying slid off and fell onto the hero, pinning him under its weight. But, this was no obstacle to a heart of justice! At least, it wouldn’t be, if Dr. Date hadn’t been exhausted. He could mostly lift it, sure, but he needed just a bit more help, just to help him slide out from under the lift. Seeing no one else, he looked over at the young Strawberry.

“Please, help me slide out from under here!” Dr. Date pleaded, “the Tropicana are going to blow up an apartment building next! I need to save them!”

Steven began rising from the bench when the strangely still functional loudspeaker of the bus station called out: “Now boarding bus 220 to Mecropolis.”

Steven looked at his ticket. This was it! This was his bus! He had to run if he wanted to make it. Quickly picking up his bag and guitar, Steven quickly turned around and ran to the terminal.

“No! Don’t! Please!” Dr. Date shouted in tears, “People are going to die if I do—”

A loud explosion shook the air. Even from this far, Dr. Date and Steven could both tell what had happened. An apartment building had blown up, and had also blown open the walls of Parfait Prison. The Prisoners began stampeding out of the prison to the next door Children’s Hospital. Shocked, Steven simply stopped where he stood, horror dawning on his face.

Dr. Date’s muscles gave out. Exhausted, and seeing his utter failure, he could no longer support the lift, which collapsed on his chest. With his final breaths, Dr. Date turned his head towards Steven and shot an icy glare.

“You wanted to abandon me, abandon this city, to just play your damn guitar wherever the hell you want?!” he rasped angrily. He weakly stretched out an arm towards the Strawberry. “I curse you! You shall receive powers no mortal has ever possessed. But, you will be forever tied to the city, unable to leave its limits. Until you become a true selfless hero in both body and soul, you shall be shackled with the burden of responsibility and power for all your days! This is your curse!” the life began fading from Dr. Date’s eyes as his head slumped down on the asphalt. “Now, protect this city in my stead, you…Strawberry…Man.”

Steven hated this curse. He never wanted to be a hero. He never wanted to stay in Salad City. All he wanted to do was play music and travel the world. But, now he could not. Whenever he tried exiting the city, he would find himself back at the bus terminal somehow. It was at this point that he soon began to uncover his abilities. He could fly, possessed super strength, and a plethora of other abilities. He truly had been given incredible powers by Dr. Date.

But one thing Steven had that Dr. Date did not give him, was a new emotion. He first felt it after seeing Dr. Date’s death. He later felt it when he saw a young child’s pet get run over by a car. Seeing the child’s tears made Steven realize something. With his abilities, he could have easily saved the pet. He could also have saved Dr. Date back at the terminal. This new emotion was guilt. He acted on his own desires, rather than save a good man, a hero, from an undeserved death. The guilt from his actions stung the Strawberry’s heart, and planted the seeds of his new resolve. He would atone for his actions, for letting Dr. Date die. He would protect Salad City, until the curse was broken when he became a true hero. His dreams could wait, the rest of the world wasn’t going anywhere. The people of Salad City, though, could not wait.

But while he had to protect the city, protecting his friends and family was even more important. Granny Smith could never know of this. She was too old, and could be put in danger if anyone found out their connection. No, she had to be kept in the dark. But he needed someone he could confide in, someone he could trust and rely on. Someone to help cover his absence during his heroics. His old roommate and best friend, Gabriel Grape, immediately came to mind. With his help, the selfishly wanderlust-filled Steven Strawberry became the Botanical Badass he is today. For three years, he nobly served the city, protecting the citizens for justice. And, in his heart, he always yearned to play music and travel. His life’s dream had never left him, but it was put on hold.

Now, three years have passed. Salad City recovered from the various disasters engineered by the Tropicana, but there was still danger. But, Salad City was nonetheless a nice, safe place to live. Because there is one man who will rise from the soil for justice, that will plant his feet in defiance of crime, that will sow the seeds of happiness throughout Salad City, and that will actually put up with a minimum wage job at a café despite having graduated summa cum laude from Cabbage College in only 2 years. This man. Is. STRAWBERRY MAN!

[impalementation]

of all the random things to wish season 7 had included (and i actually like season 7, for the record), i wish that they had managed to include, if not cordelia herself since she was off having some apparently terrible storyline, at least some sort of avatar of the southern california mean girl.

i say that because i read season 7 as buffy making peace with her shadow selves. and cordelia was buffy’s very first shadow. in season 3, her shadow-self was faith. faith was, more or less, the temptation to use power selfishly or irresponsibly. so the fact that buffy entrusts faith with power by the end of season 7 (handing over the scythe, etc) is a sign that she has resolved much of her own fear of power.

in season 6, her shadow-self was spike. spike was something like her yearning for escape and self-destruction. the temptation to check out of life. the isolation of keeping your problems secret. i see the fact that buffy forgives and speaks up for spike in season 7 as her forgiving herself by proxy, the exact flip-side of the way she used spike to punish herself the season before.

i don’t think it’s a coincidence that the first so often appears in buffy’s image. in some sense, she is fighting herself. and buffy isn’t the only one resolving issues with her shadow, all of the other characters are too. willow most obviously, as she tries to re-integrate magic into her life, and confronts the image of warren in the killer in me. spike of course as well. it makes a lot of thematic sense for him to spend the season afraid of spontaneously becoming a mindlessly violent demon. 

i wish we’d gotten even more of that with all of the other characters. i wish that we’d gotten to see xander confront, say, his fears of uselessness or becoming like his family. an update on the zeppo. though there’s a bit of that in potential. same deal with giles. i wish he’d had some character focus prior to lies my parents told me, so him wrestling with ineffectuality or ruthless consequentialism would have hit harder. 

but given that this is buffy’s show, i’m most interested in her arc. because of that, i can’t help but think it would have been cool to see explicit resolution with the parts of herself that are cliquish or self-oriented. obviously, buffy is a very selfless character. but she wasn’t always that way. in season 1, cordelia represented the temptation to only care about oneself and one’s problems, and the way that sort of self-obsession means that you don’t take the way you hurt other people seriously. given that buffy has struggled the whole show with when she should selfishly care about her own pain versus when she shouldn’t, it would have been really nice for buffy to have a moment of triumphant selfishness. as funny as that might sound. or at least for her to make peace with the idea of caring about her own personal well-being.

the season almost gets there. i think it would be fair to read the chosen spell as a moment of triumphant selfishness on buffy’s part, given that more slayers in the world means that she won’t be suffering in isolation anymore. and the season does remind us a lot about how much buffy’s isolation hurts her. but it would have been cool for example, if her realizing that the chosen spell was an option was related to her realizing that it was not just possible, but okay to not suffer. because for all that she tells giles she hates suffering in season 6, and for all that she tells spike she’s moved beyond hating, ie punishing, herself in season 7, and for all that she is clearly not lying about either, the tension about how much she’s really allowed to suffer or put herself first is still central to the season. cf, her conversations with dead people scenes, and all the talk of the mission mattering more than anything else.

(i would have liked, for example, if buffy’s get it done cruelty or the empty places blow-up had been more clearly about how buffy has learned the lesson of selflessness too well. ironically, because she’s too preoccupied with her own personal experience. she tries to demand that others use her emotional toolkit, because she’s freaked that everyone is going to die, but doesn’t have the perspective to see that that toolkit is a product of a fucked up situation. that she’s perpetuating isolation instead of looking for something else. i think this is basically what the show was going for. it’s actually one of the reasons i like the season. but again, not clear.)

anya would probably have been the best character to play this symbolic role, and the season does sort of use her that way. she has a whole episode called selfless, after all. but she pretty much just finishes the show as yet another reformed villain. her honesty and frank interest in things like sex and money never get a chance to be framed as something valuable. i can’t help but think the season would have been much thematically stronger if that had happened. similar to the way that andrew’s flaw (narrativization) gets to be used in a positive way at the very end, when he describes anya’s death as heroic.