#she's meant to be weak minded and that's why she sleeps to forget or convinces herself that she's right and isagi is wrong

[coldhndss]

Tulip 2/2 ft. Isagi. Y

You slumped back onto your bed, photo frame still in hand. 

You had always expected it to end like this anyways. Your selfishness always took precedence over other people’s feelings, especially those who cared most about you. 

You found yourself unable to cry. 

Regret reverberated throughout your entire body, and what ate away at you most was that you knew Yoichi would be blaming your mistakes on him.

All you wanted was to apologise. You used to take it as a privilege, never imagining he would stray so far from your grasp.

Maybe a nap would wash it all away.

Until you woke up, that was.

You wake abruptly to the sudden sound of knocking. 

Checking your phone, you find that 2 hours have passed. 

“Coming!” You call out, looking in the mirror to tidy yourself up before opening the door. You notice that your cheeks were streaked with dried tears.

He crosses your mind, but you quickly dismiss even the mere idea of him being there. After all you’ve done, do you really think he’ll give you even a thought? 

He wouldn’t come to see you first thing after being inside a training facility for months. He’d definitely visit people who actually care for him.

Your heart beats heavily within the confines of your body.

You reach for the doorknob, twist it, and open it.

Surely the person knocking on your door in the middle of the day right after you woke up from the specific time slot that you allocated for sleep every afternoon, wouldn’t be him. 

Though, he was always particular about not hindering you or interrupting your free time, always making sure he had an idea of the times that you’re busy, or how you were feeling before approaching you.

Surely, it wasn’t:

“Yoichi..?”

No, no this isn’t him. He looks completely different from what you remember. He looks.. taller? He’s standing with confidence and his entire demeanor is different..

Though..

“Hey, y/n..” 

But his smile is exactly as you remember. 

The way the corners of his lips curve upwards, and as lets out a joyful, yet awkward laugh stringing along with his words. The way he gets too nervous to maintain direct eye-contact, and glances towards the wall or the floor after greeting you.

The way he looks back up at you timidly, seeking validation. 

It was all the same.

“Listen uh, I’m really sorry for.. everything” He spoke with a soft, sympathetic tone. 

You were not about to let this opportunity go, you refused to lose him again. Cupping his face in your hands and looking him straight in his eyes, you said “Don’t apologise. I don’t want you blaming yourself for my mistakes anymore”.

He reaches for your forearms with both hands and gently holds them as your hands remain on his face. You feel the heat of his cheeks in the palm of your hands as he looks downwards in embarrassment. 

Inching closer, he rests his forehead on your head and exhales softly.

“I just don’t want to disappoint you. I want to live up to what you expect of me, y/n.” He coyly responded.

“Yoichi, that’s not something you need to worry about. We’re not kids anymore, that stuff doesn’t matter” You paused and took a slow deep breath. You can finally get it off your chest.

“Yet, I’m sorry for ignoring you before you left, I don’t even want to imagine the way I made you felt. I.. I was so selfish..” You shuffled your feet, embarrassed. Your face began to heat up, and before you knew it, a tear dropped down your right cheek. 

You lifted a hand to wipe it, but Yoichi had beaten you to it. 

“That’s not true. I was in the wrong from the moment I hesitated to tell you about everything”. He wiped your tear with his thumb before tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. 

He smiled; “This entire time, I was preparing what to say to you, and yet, you still managed to stump me”. Yoichi clasped his arms around you tightly yet gently and held you close. The grasp of his body felt different to before, and his newfound confidence brought you closure. He held you in his arms as he rested his head in the crook of your neck. Your heart resounded within your chest with every beat becoming louder and bearing more pressure.

Your arms remained by your side.

Giving in was not something you were prepared to do. Not in your current mindset.

The way he had changed so much, yet so little.. It made you think;

Maybe it is okay to change. To leave my bad habits behind and stop finding new ways to run away from my problems. To take a page out of Yoichi’s book, and finally leave my wrongs in the past.

You eventually gave in and wrapped your arms around his back, squeezing as tightly as you were able to. Without him, you would’ve been stuck in a loop of your congested mind, continuously likening every one of your lies with the truths of someone else. 

“y/n..?” He suddenly spoke.

“Yeah?”

“Um.. you’re squeezing me a bit too tight” He chuckled.

“..Sorry”

[wellfell]

 ' getting involved with a mori ' , was a terrible choice of words . either it was tickling her hidden protective side over osamu and yui , or hating the mere last name she was reduced into . a mori ; she's a tiger . it's a sick way of naming her pride after all those years of suffocation and abuse her dear father had gifted her with ; to believe with all her wild heart that the only way to be victorious is to beat men years and years older than her at their own games . whatever they were , whoever they were , because her girlhood was a mask of innocence in their eyes and innocence meant a girl couldn't rise in ranks and become a bloody yakuza boss . tommy started her journey with her while calling her a witch ; he was seeing her darkness , he wasn't believing in what others told him about akina's weakness in leading a gang . witch , devil , demon / not the little girl , nor princess , nor pretty dame . . . he knew what she was unlike other brokenhearted men who had the misfortune of knowing akina mori and touching her .

   he knew what he was getting himself into .

 loud noises , objects crashing on the ground . she stands there with her ice cold stare even if it refuses to land on him , instead settling for watching the desk . whatever that wasn't his angered face , too afraid to see disappointment in his blue eyes . her new partner in crime wasn't as great as tommy shelby , but had connections that she knew was going to benefit the angry man behind the desk . it wasn't part of the plan to be held between his arms and dance tonight but it was all to help tommy and business ; and this is the reaction she gets . instead of gentler hands where henry was gripping , a prettier face to smile at . the old man seemed quite convinced that akina mori has fallen in love with him , and she needed tommy to remind her why she was doing this again .

 but what tommy doesn't know , is that akina never got along with walls closing in on her ; now with hands that grab . if he's touching her so freely it's because he's earned it , it's because he's deeply carved his name in her head . she's almost tempted to step or snap back , swallowing the lump in her throat before rolling her eyes . desperate attempts to look bored and unbothered , she keeps forgetting her age whenever she's with these older men that she's trying to impress . with her violence , with her cleverness , with her succession , even with her smiles . it's getting too messy , it's making her hate herself . ❛ tommy . . . ❜ insults , anger ? she was expecting her voice to sound steadier , her brows draw together in an odd expression of confused rage ( or sadness , or helplessness - ) if yui was here she'd call her whatever her own mother was calling her when she ran away with osamu . sleeping with the enemy would be easier than feeling like she's searching for an ounce of appreciation in strangers' eyes . she's so pathetic . ❛ your mind will calm down but mine is getting loud every day . ❜ he looks beautiful when he's desperate . akina's hand grips his shirt , pushes him back and away from herself before forcing him to meet her eyes . and he must expect anger in her eyes ; akina's smiling . rather lovely , rather sweet . ❛ do you know what he wanted , tommy ? he said osamu told him i was cursed , and that he was keeping me so anita could have someone to play with . ❜ and osamu was always kinder than yui , and it was starting to make sense . he was simply pitying her . ❛ he wanted to see if i'm a good toy . . . do you see how their mind works ? how - ❜ she takes in a deep breath and lets go of him . ❛ morbid their mind is . i can't be like them . i can't think like them . i can't - be anything like henry and osamu . ❜

 for a moment she wanted to tell him she accepted henry's offer to push the boundaries further than just business ; that she wanted to kill him on his own bed , and let his wife come home to see him drowned in his own blood . but tommy looked too angry to hear it now . her hand reaches for his chest , but this time she's stepping forward too , lips brushing under his jaw . drawing red stains with her lipstick as he drag along to his neck . ❛ i'm going to get rid of him , tommy . but i will do it my way . ❜

  —  @shelbysdevil   /   cont.

[maoam]

WHY HINATA IS NOT A GOOD CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

I wanted to take a deeper look at Hinata’s character, considering there are a lot of claims about her out there, that she’s strong, that she’s kind, that she’s complex and relatable, that she’s the perfect woman and that she’s at least better than Sakura. I don’t really think so, and I’ll explain why. I’ll be focusing on canon, so no fillers or novels will be included in this post. I’ll say this as a warning, if you’re a fan of her character this probably won’t be something you’ll like. This will be tagged with the anti tags and put under read more so please do not complain if tumblr somehow puts this in the normal tags, it is not intentional. Also Sakura stans please don’t write lengthy comments about Sakura under this, I’m not a fan of her either and I’ll write about her later. Make your own post instead.

”HINATA IS STRONG AND THE BEST KUNOICHI”

Hinata is generally really bad as a shinobi and I’m not sure where the claims that she is strong come from. Hinata's entire character revolves around her being weak. This could have been fine if she actually developed, or if she found some other area for herself, yet she's mediocre at best and a waste of panels at worst, because she never becomes good or strong at anything. She’s not only physically weak from start to finish, but she’s also the equivalent of a damsel in distress. Everytime Hinata attempts to do something, she ends up failing, getting beaten up and having to be saved. She lost to her sister who is five years younger than her, which is what marked her as a failure in her clan. She tried to fight Neji in the chunin exams and ended up coughing up blood and losing her consciousness, and Naruto had to beat Neji for her. After Kabuto heals her fully, she spends the rest of part 1 either sleeping or missing in action. Very underwhelming.

If this had been only the beginning, it would have maybe been fine, but it’s a reoccuring pattern with her character. She throws herself in front of Pain, managing to do nothing but get one-paneled and almost killed. Even at the start of the war she had to be saved by Naruto. She tried to run to Naruto and tripped over a rock. Actually, she’s so weak she got Neji killed, when he had to jump in front of her so she wouldn’t get impaled. Why is she even in the front lines when she can’t fight? Even in Naruto the Last movie she had to be saved multiple times. In Boruto the movie she is still useless and reckless, leaving her daughter’s side to help Naruto, ending up defeated and having to be healed by Sakura once again.

I can’t say she’s mentally strong either. She has the personality of someone who hates conflict and tries to avoid it as best as they can, to the point of agreeing with others on everything, as Neji pointed out. Even without him saying it out loud, most of Hinata’s moments that aren’t her thinking about Naruto are her doing exactly this. This is not the personality of someone who is strong mentally. It’s the personality of someone who is too weak to have their own mind, someone who will go with the flow and is easily led and convinced. It can be dangerous the more you think about it. Hinata is also the bystander who never stands up for Naruto despite liking and admiring him. If she’s a compassionate girl, why isn’t she showing this by reaching out to Naruto and befriending him? Why doesn’t she show he’s not alone? Why is she only drawing inspiration from him? I don’t normally watch fillers, but there was one filler scene unrelated to Hinata where this girl says if you only look at the loser and do nothing, you aren’t much better than the oppressors, which probably wasn’t meant to be a call out for Hinata, but ended up being so anyway. Another thing that’s annoying is how she is berating herself often, yet doing nothing, it comes off as self-pity. Even in the Last movie, she is talking about how she must be a bad sister for knitting a scarf when her sister is in danger. Then why are you doing it and not stopping? Of course everytime this happens Naruto must cheer her up because she just can’t stop moping around and doing something herself.

Aside from all this, from the very beginning Hinata’s honor needed to be defended by Naruto because she couldn’t stand up for herself. Of course, after Naruto’s words she did stood up for a moment, and that was good, but it should have been a wake up call which altered her course. Instead, she kept doing the same she always did. If we take the Last movie into consideration, she’s still not strong enough to do anything even about her crush on Naruto. She needs genjutsu and Sakura to do the work for her. So even when it comes to the only thing she cares about 90 % of the time, which is Naruto-kun, she can’t do anything about it. That’s really sad.

”HINATA IS KIND AND SELFLESS”

There’s one mistake I see people make often, and that’s assuming characters that are quiet and shy are automatically kind. I wouldn’t say Hinata is as kind as the fandom makes her out to be. She simply comes off that way because you don’t really see her have her own opinions or disagree with the other characters. Hinata’s shyness on the other hand is most of the time a fetishized quirk to appeal to certain subset of fans. Her shyness doesn’t stop her from taking exams or hanging around Shino and Kiba, or talking to characters other than Naruto. She also has enough attitude to rub Neji’s status as a house slave in his face during their match, but because she stutters Naruto-kun every five minutes she’s supposedly kind. Kindness is shown through actions, not through standing around and stuttering. For comparison, we see Ino befriend an unpopular kid like Sakura, and give her confidence. That’s an act of kindness. Did Hinata ever cared about helping the branch members in any way? No.

She's supposedly "kind" but like I mentioned before she never shows this kindness by standing up for Naruto, or reaching out to him. She simply stares at him behind a tree and draws inspiration from his suffering. The only time she can actually stand up is to selfishly confess her love and die. She even said she felt like being selfish, and like I said she knew there was nothing she could do, she was told she’d only be in the way. She came there only to confess and commit suicide. This actually reminds me of another anime where this female character, after being unable to receive a male character’s love killed herself in front of him and said ”now you’ll never forget me”.

In the end, she cares about nothing but her own hormonal urges. Hinata tried to help Naruto cheat to pass an exam at the risk of disqualifying her whole team. This is the first individual action we see her character take. Did she consider Shino and Kiba during that moment? No, she didn’t even have an inner conflict on whether she should do this, whether it’s right towards her teammates. Even Naruto considers he might get Hinata, Sasuke and Sakura all in trouble if he accepts Hinata’s offer, which is why he doesn’t do it. Then when Hinata wonders if she can cheer for Naruto during his and Kiba’s match, she thinks Kiba might get mad. It’s more about how Kiba views her rather than whether she should cheer for Kiba because they are in the same team and should support each other. During the Pain attack, she left an injured shinobi, who couldn’t move, to go to Naruto, even when said shinobi told her she would only be in Naruto’s way. She didn’t try to save people, she simply wanted to confess and act in front of Naruto. This is about a threat to the entire village, which includes her comrades and her sister and she’s thinking only about her romantic feelings towards a guy she had maybe two conversations with and who barely remembers she exists. How is she better than Sakura? War arc really was the icing on the cake that Hinata’s character is only about Naruto. We should not forget the infamous ”Naruto-kun’s hand is so big… so manly...” is that really the right time to be thirsty? When Neji just died? Shikamaru mentions that he could help out Naruto as a right-hand man and then Hinata thinks “I-I want to be by Naruto-kun’s side too.” Then there’s of course the scene where she starts running to Naruto, leaving her post and teammates, even when Naruto is a mile away and already in the hands of medical ninjas, and even that ends up her pathetically tripping over a rock. Kiba has to remind her to use her byakugan because she is too busy gushing about Naruto. Eventually her only last line is “Naruto-kun”, when everyone is put into IT. It’s like a parody by this point. She doesn’t have any concern for her sister, her father, her teammates, Kurenai or her baby. It’s just “Naruto-kun” like it always is. Even in the Last movie, she is knitting a scarf for Naruto during the mission where they’re supposed to save her sister. Who brings a scarf on a mission? Why is she thinking about her romantic gift to Naruto so much she has to take it with her on a mission which focus is saving her sister? She even looks more devastated when Toneri tores the scarf apart than she ever does for Hanabi’s sake. It’s just silly and selfish.

”HINATA IS A COMPLEX CHARACTER”

Is she complex though? Her development goes from standing behind a tree looking at her crush she never talks to, to committing suicide for feelings that could never be reciprocated, to… waiting that a genjutsu and Sakura guilt trip Naruto enough for him to be with her? Like I already mentioned her character revolves entirely around Naruto, she has no hobbies or interests we know of aside from him. She has no motivations aside from being by Naruto’s side. She once had an interesting goal and backstory, but that was never fully explored, and it turned into her wanting Naruto’s attention and thinking about him. Her clan plot was irrelevant, she showed no interest in wanting to be a leader or even wanting to make things better for the branch members. It’s funny because immediately after the ending, no one cared about the Hyuuga branch and how the storyline was dropped and had no resolution. It was only when Hinata was being attacked for not showing to care did her fans start to over-analyze all the panels looking for the tiniest little clue that might hint at some changes.

It’s possible to be both shy, anxious and quiet and also to be strong, motivated and have interests and dreams. Hinata is never strong for herself, she’s only strong to be with Naruto, to die for Naruto, to motivate Naruto, to have Naruto look at her even for a moment. All the while Naruto doesn’t pay much attention to her unless she’s literally dying in front of him or she slapped him. Even when a big climax is happening, what’s on her mind is always her romantic feelings and her crush. I saw someone say if she were a male character, and she pulled this pointless sacrifice and theatrical confession in the final fight of an arc, she would’ve been universally mocked. Actually, I think even if it was Sakura who did this instead of Hinata the former would have been mocked, because their stans are unable to see the same flaws in their own fave as they see in the other girl. Naruto is a battle manga, characters are supposed to contribute to the defeat of the villain in some material way. The only reason people praise Hinata for what she did in the Pain arc is because they either pity her or because they’re men who think women killing themselves for a man is great because it boosts their ego.

I also notice many Hinata fans don’t notice the vanity in their own fandom. They call Hinata “princess”, ”heiress”, ”Konoha’s first lady” and draw fanart glorifying these concepts and how it makes Hinata good, because they like the superficial status, what they don’t care is the titles are unearned. I thought Hinata’s appeal was that she’s the underdog and a loser? Or maybe her real appeal is the idea of getting everything you want without doing much in order to get it?  Another claim is that Hinata is the perfect woman, which you might see from men. This is what I might dislike the most. Men judge Hinata’s worth and whether she’s a good character based on what kind of woman they want and think is the right kind of woman. Hinata has big breasts, she’s submissive, she has no other interests than the man she likes, and she’s the only girl in her class who didn’t go for the popular guy. Many men hate Sakura, Ino and Karin for being fangirls but praise Hinata for being a fangirl. Basically to them if a character is a fangirl of the wrong guy, she’s a stupid slut. If she fangirls their self insert, she’s wife material and the ideal woman. If Sakura has to be saved, she’s useless. If Hinata tries to kill herself for Naruto, she’s ”so kind”. Rin is a one-dimensional character, but Hinata saying Naruto-kun for the 50th time is depth. Hinata is also claimed to be better than the other girls because she had more kids and thus is more ”fertile”. It’s like feminism never happened and we are back to the 16th century. Why are we judging women’s worth on how many kids they have and how much they can please a man?

I could also talk about how Studio Pierrot turned Hinata into a hentai bait for otakus, which also plays a part in her popularity, but I don’t think it’s necessary, so I will just offer this picture which speaks for itself.

END NOTE

Hinata is simply just a sexist stereotype, a shadow of a real woman, with not much depth, and who is certainly not better than Sakura either. Both of them are fangirls whose characters revolve around men. It’s wild to me how there are women who genuinely act like one must be a misogynist if they reject Hinata’s superficial, one-dimensional and boy crazy character. Her character itself is misogynist for crying out loud. And honestly, what does it say when even the creator himself assumes that Hinata is someone’s favorite character because he must like big boobs?

[whythinktoomuch]

Andrea sighs. “I hate this part.”

“And what part would that be?” Kara spares a small glance for her, but continues to tug on her socks, her shoes, and anything else that she might need on her way out of Andrea’s apartment without a second thought. Again.

“The part where you make me sleep alone.”

Kara whips her head around. “… I’m sorry?”

“Nothing.”

Andrea regrets everything as she buries her head underneath her pillow. Maybe she can blame this sudden onset of weakness on her most recent trend of foregone sleep, or maybe even the very reason for said lack of sleep now standing at the foot of her soon-to-be half-emptied bed. But it certainly isn’t something that deserves any more elaboration, much less voiced.

Unfortunately though, Kara’s never been one to let something go. The rustle of clothing dies away, leading to a padding of steps which leads to the sagging of Andrea’s bed as Kara sits down beside her. “Hey, what’s going on?”

--

“Nothing,” Andrea repeats, her voice firm despite being muffled under her pillow. “Make sure to lock the door on your way out.”

“No, come on…” Kara’s tugging on Andrea’s arm, thumb rubbing gently into her skin. “Talk to me. Please? I’m right here.”

Groaning to herself, Andrea finally sits up, frown deeply set and disgruntled. “Where are you even going anyway?”

Kara takes a deep breath before answering, and Andrea hates how these are the kinds of things that refuse to escape her notice now. “I told you,” Kara says slowly. “I’m meeting a source downtown.”

“Right now? After midnight?” Andrea says with a scoff. “You don’t have a better, more business-friendly time—I don’t know—during the day to be meeting up with these people?”

“I have to go where the story takes me! And I also have to meet my sources on their own terms if I want to cultivate a lasting sense of trust and profess—”

“But for what article?” Andrea demands. “You’ve already met all your deadlines for this week. You wouldn’t be here”—she gestures aimlessly about her bed—“otherwise, so what else could you possibly be researching right now?”

“It’s…” Kara stumbles slightly, and Andrea wills her heart to harden into something that can never sink. “This is for a new story. One that I’m thinking about pitching. Soon.”

“Okay. What story?”

“I can’t tell you yet! It’s not ready,” Kara says, and Andrea just scoffs again. “Hey, seriously. What’s really bothering you? You never care about my work.”

“I’m your boss, Kara. It’s literally my job to care about your work.”

“Just tell me what’s actually bothering you, and I’ll fix it.”

Andrea rubs at her face. “I’d just… really like to know what it’s like to sleep next to my girlfriend for once…”

“Your girlfriend?” Kara echoes. “Who’s your girl—oh!” Her eyebrows nearly shoot up to her hairline. “Wait, oh…”

Groaning once more, now about ready to bury her entire body beneath her pillow if possible, Andrea just waves her hand. “Never mind, okay? Just go.”

“No, hey, hey, hey…” Kara tugs on Andrea’s wrist, refusing, per usual, to let an unwieldy moment die down on its own. “Girlfriend?”

“Forget I even said anything…” Andrea starts, but Kara seems quite unwilling to. In fact, she’s looking at Andrea in complete awe, and Andrea can’t help but straighten up at the attention. Maybe even pushing out her chest a bit just to make a point. “All right, fine, we can talk about this. But you should know right now, that I can’t date anyone who refuses to sleep with me.”

“Pfft, what do you mean? We literally sleep with each other all the time,” Kara protests, until Andrea shoots her a meaningful look—glare. “Oh… Right. You meant, just sleeping, sleeping. Um. Okay. Well, I guess that’s something we can try if you really want…”

Andrea rolls her eyes. “I don’t want you to try it just to appease me, Kara. I want you to want it too. For your own sake.”

“I do want it too! I just didn’t realize that it was something that you’d want. From me, especially.”

“Why the hell not?” Andrea says. “I’m sorry—was the past hour and a half not convincing enough for you?”

Kara flushes all over, sputtering, “No, what I meant was… I didn’t realize that you actually liked me like that?”

“Again. Was the past hour and—”

“I get your point,” Kara says, flapping her hands. “And okay. I, you know… like you too.”

“Oh, how promising,” Andrea mutters, but her nerves were undeniably starting to settle. The flow of conversation now comfortably in her favor.

“And I do want that too,” Kara continues, cracking a smile. “So… let’s do it. Let’s be girlfriends who, you know, sleep together.”

“Deal.” Andrea clears her throat, fidgeting with her sheets. “I imagine that it’ll have to start another night though, no?”

Kara rubs at the back of her neck. “I’m sorry. I just really have to meet this source tonight. It’s really important, I swear.”

“Fine,” Andrea says in a sigh. “It’s not like I don’t understand the need to put one’s career first.”

Kara pouts. She reaches out to cradle Andrea’s face, thumb tracing down her cheek, and Andrea’s not melting, she’s not melting, she’s not.

“I’ll come back,” Kara says at last. “No matter how long this meeting goes for, I promise to come straight back here and sleep with you.”

“Oh, you promise?” Andrea laughs, but there’s a serious glint to Kara’s eyes, twinkling in the way that they do in the strangest moments sometimes.

“Absolutely. I’ll be right back. And I’ll be right here for you, okay?”

Andrea lets out another laugh, ducking her head slightly. “Okay. I guess we’ll see how you do then.”

“Thank you,” Kara says, beaming. “But for now, I really do have to go. I’m actually kinda late now.”

“Then go. I ain’t keeping ya.”

Kara leans in, clearly in askance of a goodbye kiss, but when Andrea goes to cup her face, Kara resists just a tad. “Trust me,” she says. “You kiss me like that, and I’ll never make it out of here.”

“Want to test that little theory?” Andrea asks, her voice dropped into huskier territory, and Kara accordingly flushes pink cheek to cheek.

“Oh… boy…” Kara says in a hushed whisper. “I… er, I gotta go though, so…” She quickly shakes her head. “Yup, gotta go, gotta go. So sorry, but bye!” Pecking at Andrea’s cheek, Kara all but bolts out the door.

With a tiny unseen pout, Andrea sinks back into her bed, her moment of vulnerability already regretted with that aching part of her chest. But Kara promised to come back, and she seems the type to keep promises like that—the girlfriend type, that is.

Andrea’s final thought as she’s drifting off is a fleeting hope that wherever Kara’s rushing off to meet her source wouldn’t be anywhere near the sirens that have been going off. The last thing this would-be relationship needs is for Andrea’s would-be girlfriend to get stuck in traffic this late at night because of fire trucks or something.

//

Andrea wakes up to a sudden dip in her bed, coherent thoughts still slow to return as a column of warmth wraps around her middle from behind. She blinks blearily into the darkness. The sharp bite of smoke lingering in the air somehow only seems to get stronger the clearer her vision gets.

“Sorry I’m late, baby,” comes a sleepy mumble close to her ear, and Andrea starts to chuckle, her surprise melting into blessed relief.

There’s a wry comment sitting on Andrea’s tongue as she glances over her shoulder, but the specifics of it all gets lost when she sees Supergirl curled up against her. “Whoa. W-wait…”

“Oh, m’s’rry…” Supergirl says softly, eyes still squeezed shut. “Forgot to ask… Can I call you ‘baby’ now, since we’re girlfriends who sleep together and stuff…?”

Andrea is reeling, as she takes in the sight. That is to say, the sight of National City’s darling and daring hero rapidly passing out in her bed, blonde hair strewn across Kara’s go-to pillow like a golden halo, her bulk scrunched up into a tiny ball of warmth pressed into Andrea’s side, cape splayed out without a care.

“You’re…” Andrea clears her throat, hopefully ridding herself of the dry stutter caught within. “Excuse me, you’re wearing boots in my bed.”

Supergirl lets out a small whine—there’s a literal, bona fide superhero whining all disgruntled in Andrea’s bed right now—and kicks out her feet. “But I’m so tired, maybe-baby.”

“Maybe-baby,” Andrea echoes, rolling her eyes, because okay, this is definitely Kara all right.

She manages to extricate herself from Kara’s embrace with surprising ease, considering, then manages to tug Supergirl’s boots off one by one with far less ease. But the sight that Andrea’s greeted with startles her into soft laughter.

“Hey. What’s so funny…”

“I like your socks,” Andrea says, slipping back under the sheets, eyes fluttering shut when Kara sidles right up against her once more. “You know, you weren’t wearing those when you left me.”

“Is it really leaving when I come right back?”

“Yes.”

Kara snorts, burying herself into Andrea’s hair with a sigh. “Mm, I like my socks too. Was a gift from Santa,” she says, and Andrea can almost feel Kara wiggling her toes. “I like the smilin’ fruits…”

“Yes, I figured you would.”

Kara lets out a mock scandalized gasp, “It’s s’pposed to be secret Santa, you know…”

“You know what else is supposed be a secret?” Andrea shoots back, arching an eyebrow that is of course lost on her half-asleep almost-girlfriend. But Kara seems to know, because she grins.

“Hm. We can talk about it in the morning, mm’kay?”

“Oh, we most certainly will,” Andrea says, turning on her side, allowing herself to be happily spooned. “Good night, Supergirl.”

“Yeah, yeah, good night, maybe-baby.”

[stardustprompts]

the burning god -  r.f kuang   sentence starters change tenses/pronouns as needed !!  some lines have been edited for clarity / length / ease of roleplaying tw :   ptsd ,  addiction , death , murder , nsfw  , language 

‘do you think I’d ever let anything happen to you?’

‘you’re terrified. that’s why you’re fidgeting. you’re scared.’

‘soldiers are worth more than civilians, it’s just math.’

‘don’t cut off the head of the snake if you can tame it.’

‘none of this— our villages, our people, our freedom— will survive under their intended world order’

‘i’m the least terrible option you’ve got.’

‘I don’t mean to call you stupid, because I love you, but that plan is so stupid.’

‘i’m not sorry for this. you shouldn’t have gotten in my way.’

‘that wasn’t an insult. just being frank.’

‘they’re bullies. weakness is what they want to see.’

‘bad moral is a big weapon. don’t underestimate it.’

‘i’ve gotten you this far. trust me just a little longer.’

‘i’m not crazy right? this is clearly a trap?’

‘how do you think history will judge me if I throw away it’s fate for one person?’

‘it felt like you’d put the universe back in place. like you were balancing the scales. didn’t it?’

‘you don’t fix hurts by pretending they never happened. you treat them like infected wounds and then, maybe, you have a chance to heal.’

‘it’s not justice, it’s chaos.’

‘this is a revolution. it’s not a fucking tea party.’

‘cut me a fucking break. i’ve been fleeing for my life.’

‘I shouldn’t have counted on his virtue. but he didn’t count on my survival.’

‘they’re never gone. do you understand? they still come for you in your sleep. only this time they’re dream-wraiths, not real, and there’s no escape from them because they’re living in your own mind.’

‘your pain will always be mine.’

‘i’m not living my whole life like a beast on a leash.’

‘I should kill you. why can’t I kill you?’

‘you don’t behave rationally around her, you never do.’

‘’all right’ is not a term anyone would use to describe you.’

‘I used to hate myself for living, too. I didn’t think it was fair that I’d survived. that others had died in my place.’

‘it’s not fair. I should be in the ground with them.’

‘it doesn’t go away. It never will. but when it hurts, lean into it.’

‘this life you’ve chosen, you won’t get many moments like this again. but it’s the nights like this that keep you alive.’

‘give up, darling. trust me, this is easier. this is so much easier.’

‘you know, I think I’ve figured out where you get all that self - righteousness.’

‘their blood is on you. you killed them.’

‘I hate you. I wish we were all dead.’

‘do you think he loved you? do you think he ever loved you?’

‘this story will end. the way it was always meant to.’

‘I just want to sit for a second. in peace. can I do that?’

‘I don’t know, I thought maybe— maybe they’d realize that they need me.’

‘you are so bad at this. it’s cute.’

‘people are attracted to power, darling. they can’t help themselves. power seduces. exert it, make a show of it, and they’ll follow you.’

‘I killed him. and I don’t feel bad about it.’

‘stop pretending to care about ethics, it’s embarrassing.’

‘at some point, you’ll have to convince yourself that you’re above right and wrong. morality doesn’t apply to you.’

‘fear turns into despair, despair to panic, and then panic into utter submission. it’s incredible, the power of psychological warfare.’

‘knowing what I’ve done? yes, it hurts. unlike anything you could ever imagine.’

‘they want to erase us. they want to make us better, to improve us, by turning us into a mirror of themselves.’

‘any culture or state that diverges is necessarily inferior. we are inferior, until we speak, dress, act, and worship just like them.’

‘people pay you less attention when you don’t leave a trail of bodies in your wake.’

‘i’m just telling you what’s right in front of you. you know I’m right.’

‘you seem to have mistaken me for a dullard.’

‘it’s a tragedy we’re on different sides. you know that. we would have been so good united.’

‘he’s tried a million different things to break me. but he should have remembered he never figured out how.’

‘lost my mind for a bit. just starting to get it back now.’

‘you think we should just surrender. that we’d be better off under their rule.’

‘that’s the implication of your logic. and I won’t accept that. I can’t.’

‘i’m sure you said whatever you needed to to get them off your back. I don’t care about that.’

‘everything you do convinces them you should not exist.’

‘I did what I had to do to give him the only chance at peace he’d ever get.’

‘you are the worst thing to happen to this country. these people deserve better than you.’

‘you were only ever fighting to survive. I was fighting to win.’

‘we don’t need peace right now. we need blood.’

‘I don’t know what’s insane anymore. I just hope you know what you’re doing.’

‘there is no turning back. i’ve waited too long for this.’

‘I can’t take that from him. not even if he’s happier like this.’

‘there’s more, there’s something you’re not telling me, I deserve to know.’

‘let go of the man you remember. you’re never going to get him back.’

‘in times like these, you can’t let sleeping threats lie.’

‘if we ever feared him, it was because he was great, and great rulers always inspire fear in the hearts of the weak.’

‘you don’t get to forget. whatever you did, you don’t deserve to forget.’

‘she’s not a person anymore. she’s rage.’

‘it’s not just about the enemy. it’s about what the world looks like after.’

‘you’re trying to protect your people. I understand that. but I’m trying to protect mine.’

‘i’m not crawling into oblivion with a whimper, and you should have known that before you came here.’

‘I don’t care what else happens up there. but you come back to me.’

‘what’s this? finally developing a conscience?’

‘I know what you did. I know everything. and I don’t care. the past doesn’t matter. ____ is in danger now, and I need you.’

‘nature can’t be altered. only held at bay.’

‘don’t take on the burden of an entire nation. it’s too heavy. and you aren’t strong enough.’

‘you should know by now that when you leave your enemies alive, wars don’t end.’

‘she told me I’ll never be afraid again.’

‘that’s power. and you’re not giving that up. I know you. you’re me.’

‘I know how humiliation feels. keep your secrets if you want. but there’s nothing you can say that will make me think any less of you.’

‘i’m not going to survive this war.’

‘do you want me to say I’m sorry?’

‘what did I tell you? you were never meant to serve.’

‘if you try that shit, I will kill you.’

‘good luck. don’t do anything stupid.’

‘keep down. and when you get the chance, run.’

‘you never want to hurt them. but you have to. you have to put them through hell, because that’s the only way anyone else will survive.’

‘I would have spared them if I could have.’

‘I wasn’t a person to you, I was a weapon, and you needed me to work.’

‘it’ll never stop hurting.’

‘you love them like your own family, and a knife twists in your heart every time you watch one of them die.’

‘see this through to the end. that’s the least you own to the dead.’

‘I wish things had been different.’

‘I so hate when you’re right.’

‘you kill me and you accomplish nothing. your world as you know it will end.’

‘i’m not going to kill you. you don’t deserve that.’

‘why does everyone think this war is over. am I the only one with eyes?’

‘it’s hard to prioritize the enemy that you can’t see.’

‘don’t call me crazy.’

‘you are being crazy. you’re acting like a fucking maniac. shut up for a moment and face the fucking facts.’

‘they can’t do this to me. I was supposed to win.’

‘we built an entire nation. we don’t have to let it collapse.’

‘what he wants is what we all want, which is to stop killing our own people.’

‘we’re about to have the world we fought for. can’t you see it? it’s so close, it’s just over the horizon.’

‘you can come back. I’ll bring you back. we’re in this together.’

‘we’re trying to broker a peace here. let’s not start off with death threats, shall we?’

‘i’m just trying to make this less painful for everyone involved.’

‘you can’t do this for me. I won’t let you.’

‘it’s not for you. it’s not a favor. it’s the cruelest thing I could do.’

[dreaming-about-fanfictions]

Sleeping With The Enemy II Draco Malfoy x Reader II Part 2 of 3

Summary: Being a Slytherin yourself doesn’t make you hate Malfoy any less. So why can’t you stop fantasizing about him? (18+)

PART 1

A/N: It’s a three part story now lol. Enjoy <3

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x fem!Reader, Words: 1.7k Warnings: post-war Hogwarts, mentions of cheating, smut, swearing, voyeurism

You were cursed.

You had to be. It was the only explanation for the fact that you managed to walk into someone not once but twice in one week. You had simply wanted some peace and quiet and were sure to find it on the Astronomy Tower but apparently tonight it was otherwise occupied.

Occupied by him.

The one person from this school that wouldn’t leave your thoughts. You didn’t know how he did it - years and years of hating him and then with two sentences he shut down your brain and left you breathless. During meals, you always looked out for him. In class, you felt your eyes wander to his seat.

“Distracted?”, he had whispered with a smirk once when he had caught you and you spilled ink all over your parchment. You had only mumbled an insult and turned away again.

To be honest, the whole week after the party was a blur. You felt like Quaffel, getting played back and forth between a crying Pansy and a remorseful Ron. However, just like the awful Quidditch player that you were, you dodged both of them with quite some success. Ignoring Ron was easy. Once Theo and Astoria heard what he did, they protected you like guard dogs, rarely leaving your side, and after Theo fired the first hex in his direction, Ron stayed more or less away. Staying out of Pansy’s way was much harder, considering you shared a dorm and most of your classes together. She tried to talk to you whenever she could, tears streaming down her gorgeous face. You ignored at her first and when she wouldn’t have it, you promised her to talk at some point - just … not right now. You wanted to wait until the anger had passed. So far, it hadn’t.

The night you caught them both, you wondered if it would be replaced by sadness soon. Apparently not. Only a little humiliation got added to the mix. You got cheated on by a fucking Weasley. Merlin, your family would never let you live that one down. 

That mess combined with Draco fucking Malfoy occupying your mind, left you confused and exhausted. Tonight, you dreamed of him. It was the first time he ever made an appearance while you slept and - fuck - what an appearance that was. You woke up with a gasp and sat up straight in your bed. Your pajamas clung to your body, your chest rose and fell in the rhythm of your fast breathing and you blinked, trying to grasp onto reality. Trying to realize where you were. In your dorm. In your bed. Your bed. The familiar heavy blanket on top of you, the occasional snoring from the girls - you calmed down slowly. The dream still lingered on but the images were fading quickly. You saw black satin sheets, blonde hair, heard whispers you didn’t understand, felt lips traveling over your skin.

Afterwards, you had to leave your dorm and clear your head. And was there a better place than the Astronomy Tower than to do just that? Apparently so, because the second you walked in, you saw them. You froze, one foot already on the steps that lead to the platform. Before your brain finally got around to telling you to leave, the door shut behind you. They flinched and you jumped behind the stairs, hiding in the shadows.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

You couldn’t leave now. The door was heavy and would creak, alerting them to your presence. You recognized them immediately when you saw his blonde hair and her pale skin. Malfoy. Pansy. Fuck. (Literally.)

Of course. Of fucking course, it was Malfoy. You apparently developed a habit of running into him in the worst possible moments. Did you do something in your previous life that made the universe hate you?

You pressed a hand to your mouth, to swallow the sound of your breathing but the two of them didn’t seem to notice. Malfoy pressed Pansy up against the wall and you hated yourself for being unable to avert your eyes.

“After this, you’ll show me the room,” Malfoy said. No, growled. A shiver ran down your spine. “Show me where he had you and I’ll make sure you’ll forget everything he made you feel.”

Your eyes widened. Were they talking about …?

“No,” Pansy replied breathlessly while tearing at his uniform.

Yes, they were talking about the classroom.

Suddenly the tone of her voice dropped to something you never heard before. “The moment you kissed me tonight, he was forgotten.”

Wow.

Draco smirked, obviously pleased about her answer, and grabbed her by her neck. Their kiss was rough and everything you expected him to be. Soft moans escaped her as he bit down her lower lip, and she held onto his body desperately, clearly losing herself in the kiss.

You wanted to look away. You truly did. But you couldn’t. The scene captivated you, left you breathless and frozen in place. Then you heard the clicking noise of a belt opening.

Oh no.

Once again, your eyes frantically searched for a way to leave but it wasn’t possible without them detecting you. And no, the latter wasn’t an option. There had been enough humiliation in your life for this week. You simply had to wait behind the stairs, hoping they wouldn’t accidentally let their eyes wander in your direction. The moment you came to the conclusion, you finally brought yourself to look away. Hearing them was enough to make you shift nervously from one leg to another. Quiet whispers mixed together with clothes being torn off and hungry kisses being exchanged. Your cheeks were burning, your hands felt clam, you wanted to leave so badly. However, you remained in the shadows staring at the dark green curtains next to them.

Then you heard it and your head snapped.

A low guttural moan that resonated within you.

Malfoy.

He had her legs wrapped around his waist. You only saw his side profile but it was enough - the look on his face was the definition of pure bliss. Eyes closed, lips slightly parted - he resembled a Greek God. You swallowed. Then he began to move.

At first, he took his time, moving slowly. He lowered his face to her neck and sucked on her skin. You wouldn’t be surprised if she’d wear a scarf tomorrow. Soon, however, his thrusts began to become faster and faster. He fucked her hard and suddenly you felt awfully reminded of your dream. Your body did too. Your breath grew heavier and you wanted to groan as an ache began low in your stomach. Fuck. You stared at Draco and with each of his moans that sent shivers down your spine and let the hair on your arms and neck stand up, you hated yourself a little more.

The clouds moved and moonlight flooded the Astronomy Tower. The image of him was otherworldly; you were convinced it stopped your heart for a second. The light reflected off his grey eyes as they pierced right through you, causing even more heat to rise to your face.

Wait.

No.

Oh no.

Malfoy was staring at you. He had turned his head and was now facing you. You gasped and held on to the balustrade of the stairs, suddenly anxious that you would lose your footing. The world around you slowed down. You felt dizzy; all you heard were the soft groans and moans from in, mixed in with curses. He didn’t break eye contact as he thrusted into her and you were already drowning in them.

The sensation in your stomach grew stronger and stronger; you felt hot and your fingers gripped the balustrade so tightly, your nails dug into your skin. Your body ached for him. You wanted to be the one he kissed, touched, fucked - and if you couldn’t be, you at least wanted to touch yourself. Wanted to imagine that it were his fingers that stroked you, made your legs tremble and cum with his name on your lips.

As if Draco sensed the shift in your thoughts, his movements began to grow more and more erratic. You bit down your lower lip and his eyes grew dark. “Fuck,” you finally heard him curse and then he came with a last loud groan.

He buried his face in her shoulder and relief washed over you like a wave. You were able to breath again. Your eyes shot to the other side of the room. The relief was followed by embarrassment. You had just witnessed something that wasn’t meant for your eyes. Guilt got mixed in when you felt the wetness between your legs. Your knees were weak, your legs slightly trembling from the adrenaline that rushed through your veins.

You heard them whisper in the dark. The ruffling of clothes told you they got dressed. “Let’s go.” Pansy giggled. “Maybe I will show you the room. I wouldn’t be against a second round …”

Footsteps. You didn’t dare to look into their direction and pressed yourself further into the shadows. They came towards you and when Pansy brushed past you, you smelled his scent lingering on her. You swallowed hard.

“Go, I’m right behind you.” That was Draco. His voice was dark and raspy, he still sounded a little out of breath. A tinge of jealousy wanted to be felt but you pushed it away. You wanted to be the reason for him to sound like that.

Malfoy’s steps slowed down when he came closer to you. His eyes bore holes into the shadows of your hiding place and the pure force of him standing so near to you, made you turn your head. When your eyes met, the hairs on your neck stood up. He was close enough for you to reach for him, to pull him into the shadows and finish what he started. You resisted.

A smirk played around his lips.

Fuck.

***

Part 3

HP Masterlist

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[mypoisonedvine]

You know what, my request is a second part to that heiress Zemo request because I need to know what happens. 😤

(Please and thank you, I am just very much on the edge of my sit, ma’am. 🥺💕)

alright... I can take a hint lmaooo (first part here!)

“De mama?” Addy asked in that sweet little voice of hers, tilting her head as she looked up at him.  Her Sokovian was coming along well, though not quite as fast as her English since that was all her mother ever spoke to her.  And of course, that’s who she was asking about now, and even though it was adorable, it was a bit heartbreaking, too.  Is this what it will be like when the contract expires? he was forced to wonder.  Will she ask where she is every day, until someday she forgets she ever had a mother?  What kind of father would I be if I let her live like that?

“Vona na prohulyantsi, skoro povernetʹsya,” he answered with a shrug.  She’s on a walk, she’ll be back soon.  How would he ever find the heart to tell her the truth someday, if he didn’t fix this soon?  She’s gone forever, I cast her away because I chose my pride over my love and your happiness.

No wonder he was so relieved when you got home, and he couldn’t help but smile as Addy reached up for you and you scooped her up into your arms with a smile.  “Oh, you’re getting big,” you cooed at her.  “How’d you get so big so fast, huh?”

Now was his chance to ever so casually bring up the contract and see how you reacted.  Part of him was hoping that if he just never mentioned it, you’d just forget about it and things could stay this way forever.  Unfortunately, that was nearly impossible, and it didn’t even really solve his problem fully because if things stayed this way forever then it meant he would never be with you again as he so longed to be; if things stayed this way forever, he would keep being a man desperately in love with his wife and powerless to do anything about it.  

He wanted to touch you again, so much he couldn’t stand it.  These days the only time you really spent together was when it was the three of you.  It was so painfully obvious that the only love for him you had was the love you had for your child, extended to him as the father.  You were only accessible when Addy was involved, you barely even looked at him when he wasn’t holding her.

It was actually rather cruel.  Especially at times like this, when Addy wanted to be read a story and it ended up with her on your lap and you between his legs on the floor, forcing him to reach around all of you to hold the book open as he read.

You were right there... but a million miles away.  If he had any courage he would just turn his head and kiss your cheek or bury his face in the crook of your neck.  Instead he was paralyzed, and he could smell your hair from here which was adding insulting to injury at this point.

“Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess, who lived in a tower,” he read aloud, watching his daughter’s tiny fingers trace over the illustration of the princess on the page.

“Pryntsesa,” Addy mumbled to herself as she looked at it, and he felt pride warm his chest to hear her speaking Sokovian to herself.

“You’ve been teaching her without me,” you realized as you turned back to look at him with a smirk.  God, your face was so close now that it was almost more work to not kiss you, especially when his eyes couldn’t help but dart down to your lips for a moment.

“She’s going to learn Sokovian whether you like it or not,” he reminded you.

“I’m not saying I don’t like it, I’m just saying I wanna be there for it,” you explained.  “We can teach her together.”

Another co-parenting activity, another way you could get close to him only under the pretense of being with Addy.  He needed to find a way to get you alone because this was going to drive him crazy.

“What happen?” Addy frowned, and both of you seemed to realize at once that he’d totally forgotten to keep reading.

“Oh, um,” he stammered, turning the page as you faced forward again.  “A brave knight wanted to scale the tower to see the princess, but he didn’t know how.”

~

When he entered the bedroom, he wasn’t expecting to find you there, changing into your pyjamas.  His first instinct was to look away and step back, pulling the door partially shut again with a mumbled apology.

“Helmut, you can come in,” you laughed.  “I don’t mind if you see me changing, you’ve certainly seen much worse than this.”

He cleared his throat and stepped back in, gaze sweeping up over your exposed back.  “I, uh, wanted to ask you something before we go to bed.”

“Yeah?” you prompted, pulling your nightgown over your head and walking to the bathroom where he followed you as you applied some sort of night cream to your face.  He stood behind you, meeting your eyes in the reflection of the mirror.

“You mentioned teaching Addy together,” he remembered.  

“If you just want that to be just a dad-daughter thing that’s fine,” you shrugged.

“No, it’s fine, I like the idea,” he nodded, “I just thought... well, I wondered...”

I wondered if you would go on a date with me.  Why was it so hard to get it out, to his own wife, to the woman carrying his last name and wearing his ring?

Of course, it was hard to get out because when he thought about you with his name and his ring, all he could think was for how much longer?

You waited patiently with raised eyebrows, and he sighed.

“Nevermind.”

“Wait, what is it?” you chuckled, following him when he turned away and sat on the bed.  “Now I’m curious.”

He glanced down at the bed he was sitting on, running his fingers over the quilt.  “Why do we even share this bed?” he mumbled to himself.

“What?” you whispered.

“I mean, does it even matter?  Are we just trying to look like something we’re not-- a normal couple?”

His eyes darted back up to your face when he heard your voice waver.  “Are you asking me to sleep downstairs?”

“No,” he corrected instantly, standing up and stepping closer to you even as you tried to hide the way your eyes were watering.  “No, darling, I just-- I don’t want you to feel like you have to share a bed with me.  I may not be the best bed partner.”

“Oh, you’re quite the bed partner, if memory serves,” you blurted out, and his eyebrow raised suddenly.  You seemed to regret it right away, turning to go back to the bathroom and examine yourself in the mirror.

“Hey, wait,” he followed you, turning you with a hand on your arm.  “Let’s not let go of that topic so quickly.”

“It’s nothing.  That’s over now.”

“What’s over?” he pressed.

“The part of this where we... did that,” you explained.  “It was just a necessary process, to get pregnant in the first place.  And then it happened a couple of times after I got pregnant, but that was just... I don’t know, you were so high on finally getting what you wanted and now--”

“What I wanted?” he repeated.  “Explain to me what it is I want.”

“An heir!” you answered immediately.  “Duh!  That’s what this is all for.”

“I��ll tell you what I want,” he shot back sternly.  “I want a family.  I want this family.  I want...” he took in a slow breath, afraid to say it aloud, “I want to hold you again.  I want to call you my wife not because we both signed a contract but because we’re both in love.”

You blinked up at him, eyes wide and wet, and he tried to stay calm as he continued.

“Most of all, if that’s not what you want, then what I really want is for you to... pretend, please, just for a day.  An hour, even.  Pretend it’s real.  Pretend it’s not just a show for our child, pretend you could really love me back.  And then you can go.  I don’t know how either of us will live without you, but, if you don’t want to be together then I don’t think I can take much more of this.  I need to have you or I need to let you go because... because I’m too selfish to let Addy keep her mother while I lose my wife, I’m too weak-- and I can’t fucking do this anymore!”

He didn’t raise his voice often.  Honestly, this was probably the first time since he met you.  And it wasn’t quite yelling, but he was still terrified that it would scare you.

You didn’t look scared, though.  You looked... peaceful, you even looked almost happy as you reached up and placed your hand onto the back of his neck and pulled him closer until your foreheads were pressed together.

He could smell your hair from here, and he took a deep breath in case it was the last time.

“Tell me what you want, darling,” he requested softly.

Your eyes fell shut before you took a deep, shaky breath.  “I want you,” you whispered, making his heart stop.

He swallowed quickly.  “Is that all?”

“I want another baby,” you added.

Carefully, he pulled you closer as he nodded, pressing his lips to yours.  All this time he had spent convincing himself that kissing you wasn’t as good as he remembered... and he’d been a liar all along.  It was just as perfect as he’d been imagining.

“I can give you both, right now,” he whispered against your lips, and when he felt you nod he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into him, carrying you to bed.

He did his best to make up for lost time that night, though it would take a lot more than one night to overcome years of running from his love for you.  Thankfully, you had the rest of your lives to try.  

Although one of the great accomplishments of it all was finally being husband and wife, rather than just parents, you were both ecstatic when you were due to become parents again.  No contracts required, no need for an heir, just a new addition to the Zemo family that would hopefully love being a part of it as the rest of you did.  And the soon-to-be big sister got to help pick out a name:

Abigail | feminine

origin: Hebrew

meaning: My father’s joy

[ive-tumbled-down-a-rabbit-hole]

Claiming Ones Own

This chapter was a pain to write. It's not perfect but will do as brain seems to want to focus on the next chapter hay ho! Enjoy. Cross posted on AO3.

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Chapter 4 - Bedtime Disasters

By the time the trio had finished their meal it was late/early, depending on your viewpoint, but one thing was certain was that it was past Marie’s bedtime. This may have been a good point to try and get her to sleep, but given that a) they are bats, sleep is for the weak as Tim would state and b) Marie had been fed probably not the wisest proportion of chocolate in the last few hours, sleep was not really on the cards any time soon.

Cass and Jason worked in tandem clearing the table and storing what remained of the takeaway in the fridge. Jason had managed to demolish a significant amount unsurprisingly, so there wasn’t much to box up. Marie stood fascinated, watching the adults dance around each other with practiced ease, taking in all the subtle communication they gave to each other.

As Cass started to wash up the dishes, Jason sighed and set off towards the bathroom. Despite his grumbling’s Jason knew it was his safest course of action. The Alfred threat looming over him was not worth the energy fighting over and simpler to just do the task. Alfred, for all his neutrality, was wrapped around Cass’s little finger (much like Bruce), and now Cass was providing him with a great grandchild would give her more protection of Alfreds disappointment. He doubted it would be long till Pixie learnt that skill from Cass either. Pixie had a charm about her and was already working her magic on him and Cass.

Seeing Jason leave, Marie bouncing with unspent energy, quietly followed to see what he was up to. Washing dishes seemed boring to her, and she had already seen the kitchen. She knew where the chocolate was stored which was the key important factor. Silently she shadowed Jason, that was until he went towards the remains of the battle zone.

“No trick here Pixie, I’m just cleaning up the mess. I’m not gonna get you wet, promise. You can watch if ya like or have a look around the apartment. No escaping or running, we’ve just got ya and don’t want to have to save you again from some more bastards!”

The little huff of air as her response got Jason to chuckle. “We care about you Pixie. Cass claiming ya means your family now. Like it or not you’re stuck with us. Cass won’t give you up easily” Jason replied before starting work on tidying the bathroom.

Marie flitted around the apartment observing them both, wondering off briefly exploring before returning to see where they were. Over the meal they gained a small amount of trust, it was clear to see they meant her no harm so was letting some of her walls down for the moment appeared to be ok. She didn’t completely trust them but she didn’t not trust them.

During her apartment adventures Maria found a thing with buttons on. Inquisitively she pressed some of the buttons. She squeaked in surprise as the TV turned on. Cass heard the noise escaping her daughter and ran into the room in a panic. Heart pounding. Was her daughter ok? Has she hurt herself? Has someone however unlikely broken in?!!!

Relief flooded through Cass as she arrived on the scene, Marie hypnotised by the tv showing some baking show. Easing into a smile, Cass went and grabbed a couple of blankets and draped one round her shoulders and one around Maries. Gently guiding Marie to her lap on the sofa they both snuggled on the sofa to watch the baking show while Jason finished off.

When Jason finished, he found the pair fast asleep wrapped up tight in blankets with the TV and lights still on. As he turned the TV and lights off, two drowsy heads glared at him as he backed away before settling down to sleep. ‘Pixie is such a mini Cass in the making’ flashed through his head.

Jason woke to loud banging on his door, groggily he sat up and with a sleep ladened voice groaned, “What do you want Cass”. The woman barged into his room, “Missing” ‘Marie is missing!!! We slept on the sofa, when I woke, she was gone!’ “Help Jay!!”. Slowly shaking he sleep out of his body, Jason finally registered what Cass was saying and appearance. Cass was unnervingly jittery and had glimmers of fear and worry marking her face. To catch Cass’s mask cracking freaked Jason out.

“Fuck” Jason jumped out of bed. His head finally catching up with the conversation. Cass was scared. Pixie had disappeared between the time he’d gone to bed and Cass waking up. Street kids were tricky, they knew how to escape and avoid trouble. Giving what they saw of her on the streets, she had the potential to slip out the apartment without triggering the alarms. They were set up for those slipping in, not out. He thought that they had reassured her enough to stay the night and well hopefully trust them.

“Shit! Fuck! Where have you looked Cass? Are you sure she’s left the apartment?” grabbing some joggers to slip on, Jason walked over to the semi frantic Cass.

‘Looked in living room and bedroom. I couldn’t see her. Doors and windows locked still don’t think she left but I’ Cass looked up at Jason, her anxiety was showing ‘I panicked. Need help to find her’

Systematically the pair hunted the apartment. Looking in all the unusual places a child could hide. Pixie was appearing to be an expert at disappearing.

Throwing caution to the wind Jason looked in the blanket cupboard. Almost missing it, Jason could see a glimpse of hair poking out. Jason could only smile. His niece was hidden, you could barely see her, under the pile of blankets and right at the back so only if you were seriously looking for her. Leaving the girl who seemed content to rest Jason strode off to find Cass.

“Hey Cass, you can chill now. I found your gremlin. She is in the blanket cupboard all nested and asleep still.”

The visible effect of those words surprised Jason as tension and anxiety left his sister’s body. ‘Thank you Jay’. His niece had really wormed her way into Cass’s heart, and his heart too.

…………….

Being a mother was surprisingly more complex than Cass had thought as she reviewed her first almost week.

Meal times had been an interesting challenge to overcome with Marie demanding chocolate ALL the time. That was until Cass thought of chocolate milk. This seemed to appease her quirky child, so though at times convincing her to try new things was harder than it should be, Marie was more co-operative. At least now meals were not food covered in chocolate spread or succumbing to chocolate bar demands.

Taking Marie shopping had also been an experience she, and Jay, would rather forget. Marie disappearing for 30 minutes had caused an awful lot of fraught feelings for Cass and Jason as they hunted manically for her. When Marie reappeared she seemed quite content with a collection of jewellery and nonplussed about the chaos and anxiety she’d left behind her. Her pickpocketing habits would need to be addressed as she kept the ring she obtained but she gifted the rest to Jason and Cass. The gift given would have been sweet if it a) wasn’t stolen and b) she didn’t think that she needed to buy love/care. Shopping also unraveled that the girl was particularly picky about clothes and distrustful of strangers. All in all, it resulted in a lot of stress for the Wayne adoptees. Shopping trips were now off the table for a while if Marie was involved.

Though these were issues and problems, Cass felt she had managed to overcome them or at least manage to for the most part. Ok, that was a lie but she had plans semi in place.

Her current headache at this moment in time was sleep! Well more the waking. She wasn’t sure how she would survive a month of parenthood at this rate. Every, and she really did mean every, morning Marie was missing only to be found in another location. It was causing her more distress that she’d like to admit.

She had hoped that the first blanket nest situation the first night was a one off. Turns out that was a no. Jason was finding it all too amusing as well!

After night 1, night 2 was spent coaching Marie to sleep in her bed. Buying a new bed hadn’t crossed their minds after the shopping fiasco, and Jason wasn’t currently willing to relinquish the spare room. Something about his guns and personal space. Getting her into a soft bed still required too much chocolate bribery. Waking up to Marie missing. Again. Freaked Cass out. Eventually she was sound curled up in a suitcase on top of the wardrobe.

Night 3 Cass slept in the bed with Marie, hoping that it would convince her to stay in the bed all night. That failed when she was found asleep under the bed. At least that time it was semi easy to find the girl.

Night 4 Cass burrito’d and swaddled the girl up in blankets. Restricting her movements may help her settle and remain in bed. That failed too. Marie was found sleeping in Cass’s wardrobe this time. Slightly easier to find again.

By night 5 Cass was close to pulling her hair out. The morning drama’s were getting to her and Jason finally conceded the spare bedroom to her daughter. The amusement was still there but not as strong. That was a sort of win, Marie gaining her own space and hopefully learning to trust them more.

That was a complete disaster as Marie disappeared again this time. The girl was eventually found wrapped in a blanket nest in the kitchen cupboard amazingly hidden behind the food. An impressive way to hide. Chocolate wrappers were also found.

‘Jay! Help. I don’t understand. Why won’t she stay in bed? What am I doing wrong?’

“You’re doing great Cass! Chill a bit. Pixie is eating more than chocolate and we are finding her quicker each day. She’ll run out of new hiding places soon which will mean we will find out her favourite space to sleep”

‘Nooo Jaaay! Help! Please she needs to learn to sleep in bed. I can’t introduce her to Alfred otherwise. He’d want to meet her. Which brings the rest of them. And I don’t want to loose her! The others would be too much!! Please! Please! Pleeeease Jay!!! For Alfred if not meee!"

Jason could do without the morning stress too and Cass did raise a good point about Alfred and the rest of the bats. Sighing, Jason pondered over what Pixie was doing and recalled his time adjusting to the manor.

“Cass, she likes small safe, hidden spaces. Open spaces leave her vulnerable and open to attack. I think she knows that we won’t do that, but it's a hard habit to break. Plus she is a stubborn girl, a true bat I guess. I know I didn’t like the big rooms at the manor to begin with. Perhaps we can create a safe nest in her room to see if she’ll stay. A small safe space. The room is too big currently for her to be used to it.”

Smiling Cass nodded. The logic sort of followed.

That evening Cass and Jason worked together to make a blanket fort nest in the corner of the room. Marie watching with curious eyes. Playing with the ring she’d taken to wearing on a chain. When Cass started to take the bedding off the bed into the blanket fort, Maries eyes’ turned to saucers as she worked out what was happening. Tugging on Cass’s arm ‘Marie help?’ caused Cass to smile in pride and nod. Marie was starting to sign more delighting Cass and semi trusting them.

The next morning Cass woke to find Marie still dozing in her blanket fort and smiled! This obstacle was conquered.

Note: thank you to PickledPlumFan on AO3 for the chocolate milk idea/concept.

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[cherrynojutsu]

Title: Like Gold

Summary: Sasuke grapples with love and intimacy regarding his developing relationship with Sakura after returning to the village from his journey of redemption. Kind of a character study on Sasuke handling an intimate relationship after dealing with PTSD and survivor’s guilt in solitude for so long. Blank period, canon-compliant, Sasuke-centric, lots of fluff and pining, slowly becomes a smut fest with feelings.

Disclaimer: I did not write Naruto. This is a fan-made piece solely created for entertainment purposes.

Rating: M (eventual nsfw-ness)

AO3 Link - FF.net Link - includes beginning/ending author's notes

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Chapter 7/?: Catalysts

Sasuke doesn’t indulge in baser needs often, despite the frustrating paradox that is the male endocrine system’s apparent determination to make him do so. He finds it feels… empty, after. Like there’s supposed to be something more, but instead there’s just whatever is situated above his head to stare at while his breathing levels out, an interminable abyss of silence and stars, or tree foliage, or apartment ceiling. Impulses and feelings of a sexual nature are probably normal for anyone his age, but in the past, satiating desires like this has made him feel guilty, given the context.

When he's not plagued by nightmares rife with gore and blood and bodies, or the occasional aching memory, his subconscious takes the opportunity to bombard him with dreams of a suggestive nature, having deduced somehow that it’s the most effective method to get him to… tend to things.

This variety of dream customarily involves pale pink hair, multifaceted eyes, and soft fingertips, branded into the part of his brain that controls his most base instincts with a hot iron.

He notes begrudgingly as he gazes at plain plaster above him, brows furrowed, that ostensibly, it works well enough, if the intricate mess of thoughts and feelings in his head and on his abdomen are anything to go by.

Sasuke would never admit it to anyone, but Sakura has headlined exclusively in nearly every sexually-charged dream he's ever had, and resultingly the majority of his sentient thoughts while indulging outside of dreaming, too. When they were Genin, it was innocent enough; he had reasoned that, being the main girl his age he associated with, it made sense his inadvertent dreams, beyond the scope of his control, involved her. He'd shaken it off in those early days as the by-product of the developing hormonal cocktail that is the pubescent masculine mind, and ignored the part of himself that kind of had a crush on her even then. Or definitively more than a crush, after the Chunin Exams and the hospital and jealousy.

He had tried convincing himself of the same thing at fourteen, once he'd left the village and had attempted to sever all bonds. It didn’t work, though; by that point he knew better, knew what the feeling he was trying to squash actually was.

Which meant it didn’t work at fifteen, either.

Nor sixteen, and definitely not seventeen, eighteen, or nineteen.

All of that has been wholly indecent on its own in the past, causing him to feel shameful every time it happens, and even more ashamed if it’s a rare day where he’s weak enough to act on it, a day where he wakes up mere seconds from an edge rather than minutes.

But this morning, he woke up on the tail end of all of that with the addition of freckles , of all things to fixate on, and he just knows he's never going to forget about them now, that they’re branded into his grey matter in perpetuity. Freckles just above the interior of a shoulder, eight of them, a small scattering he had been pressing his lips to, listening to a softly whispered Sasuke-kun, reaching around her with his only arm, so he could make her say his name like that again.

It is far from the first time he’s touched himself to the thought of Sakura, but it is the first time he’s indulged since they’ve been… together.

Except this time felt… different.

Less like an unrealistic reverie he should try to abstain from and more like an eventuality. Less guilt, too, or rather, almost none, because he’s in a relationship with her now, and he’s pretty sure he’s supposed to have feelings like this regarding her. Not that he is anywhere near ready to do anything about them, because he absolutely is not; he’s not certain he even comprehends that level of vulnerability, to touch another person and allow yourself to be touched by them, though he badly wants to, someday.

No, Sasuke doesn’t indulge in baser needs often… but he did this morning, when he woke up teetering just on the precipice, fantasizing about tiny tan flecks seen and unseen, and he’s trying to work through how he feels about it, this guilt surrounding the fact of not feeling guilty like he ordinarily does, as well as the lingering curiosity he’s struggling to force down regarding how many other freckles Sakura has.

Even moreso, he yearns for soft words that he has often thought may be sentimental to the point of being utterly quixotic. It's why he doesn’t typically submit to this kind of inclination in the first place; it’s meaningless on one’s own, he secretly thinks, though he has nothing to compare it to. No sense of connection or true lasting fulfillment like he imagines there must be, for people to talk about it the way they do; just pleasure that's there for a blinding scattered second and gone the next, with nothing tenderhearted or meaningful in the moments following as his vision refocuses and he picks up the pieces.

He stares at his ceiling, an aporia of longing and complicated compulsions ricocheting in the hallways of his head, or perhaps from his skull to the roof and back again, an absurd push and pull that leaves him with more questions than answers.

Has she ever thought about him the way he thinks about her?

What would it sound like, Sasuke-kun, when she’s like that?

Is it okay to feel like this, now? To think about her in this regard?

Sasuke is accustomed to not sleeping well - it comes with the territory of his lived experience, an unfortunate fact of life he’s somewhat learned to deal with - but during the mission to Sand, he'd slept fairly restfully, though in short increments of five or six hours. That's apparently the tipping point of how long he gets to go without being sojourned by some variety of vision in the night.

He eventually makes his way to the shower, using torrid water and soap to double cleanse what’s left of his mess. That's a big contributor to his consternation, too; it's so embarrassingly messy that it’s impossible to imagine ever doing anything like it with her . He flips the dial to cold after he’s bathed for the better portion of five minutes, because serpens caput is still burned into his retinas, and he’s hoping against hope to freeze it out of himself like he has tried to do with shame in the past.

It doesn’t work; it just induces shivering, algidity overwhelming the senses but doing nothing to distract the mind.

He shoves his face into his book after, desperate for the distraction a proverbial fiction featuring an old fisherman can provide and thinking once again that he needs to acquire a lamp. Anything to get the thought of pressing his lips to her freckles out of his head, because he’s pretty sure if he keeps thinking about it, he’ll have to take care of things for the second time today, and then he really won’t know how to feel.

So when a banging erupts on his apartment door shortly following eight, followed by a shout of, “TEME! I'm here, let’s go!”, all he can think is finally, because he knows it will at least get his mind off of this strange lack of guilt and a curiosity he’s not ready to unpack yet. The book helped, but he thinks he needs the challenge a fight against Naruto can provide to truly leave behind this level of prurience. He doesn’t know how he’s going to look her in the eye when they meet at three as they planned, otherwise.

Sasuke shoves on his sandals and grabs his chokuto before opening the door. “So you finally showed. Thought you'd sleep all morning.”

Naruto’s eyes narrow, indignant and already launching into a retort. Good. Maybe he’ll get some iota of order knocked back into him, enough to put compelling constellations away for the time being.

XXX

Sasuke feels monumentally better by noon. It’s another draw, an absolute whirlwind of swinging limbs that made it impossible to focus on anything else. He didn’t take joy in it necessarily, and he suspects Naruto bruised his ulna bone to the extent it almost cracked, but it helps, the diversion of pain; the tinge he feels when he moves it is a welcome hindrance. They’d stuck mainly to taijutsu and clashing weaponry, so physically, he’s pretty exhausted.

They’re resting in the dirt, making a valiant attempt at rehydrating. It’s moderately hot for this time of year, barely on the cusp of mid April, but it’s seeming like the Konoha heat will be returning with the same vengeance it always does. A small trickle of sweat sinks its way down his back.

Sasuke feels nearly normal again. Or normal to the extent he generally feels, anyways. He gets the urge to do something good - to tip the scale, so to speak.

"...The cutting board works. Thank you." It’s not what he’s most thankful for right now, but it’s a nice thing to say as substitution.

His friend grins at him. "Welcome! It was all me, by the way. Hinata-chan didn't even help me pick it out!" Naruto scratches his head, downing more water. He’s moving rather slowly, as if he is sore, too; Sasuke thinks perhaps he came close to beating him this round.

They stare upwards for a while, soaking in the sun as clouds roll lazily by. Birds fly overhead, finches and song sparrows twittering their selections, collecting materials to build more nests for this new season. It’s another effective distraction, one that fills him with a sense of nostalgia, replacing his earlier sense of compunction regarding the mystifying concept of physical love and the whims that accompany it.

Naruto speaks up after a bit. "Ne, teme, wanna go to the market with me? Hinata-chan asked me to get some groceries and some stuff for the backyard."

Sasuke glances at his teammate and contemplates. It can't hurt. He did want to pick up potatoes to make actual curry with, and he could get some other things, too. He'll still have time to shower before he meets Sakura at the hospital.

"...Sure."

Naruto takes longer to rise than he does, shuffling carefully as if he is in pain, but once he’s standing, he seems fine enough, stupid grin slapped on his face at Sasuke’s agreement to go with. They set off in the general direction of his building so he can drop off his weapon first. He gets dirty looks sometimes, walking around, though it’s not nearly as bad as when he first returned and it doesn’t bother him on the same level that it used to. When he’s with Naruto or Sakura, he gets less of them, but he can't imagine a sword strapped to his back in the market will do much to help his reputation.

Naruto doesn't allow the easy silence to last. "Y'know, teme, it's really good to have you back in the village. It feels like everything's finally coming together. We'll have to do some fun stuff this summer. And also in the fall!” Gears are turning behind cerulean eyes, and he adds, ”...Hmm, and the winter, too!"

"...Yeah." He stares at the mountain, thinking about what cherry blossom trees look like in summer and fall and winter. It will be nice to see the one across the street change colors throughout the seasons. Or the one on the hill, where they're going later today. He has seen their like numbering in the thousands, scattered everywhere on his journey - he’s highly cognizant of them, for obvious reasons - but he hasn’t been granted the privilege of watching the same one through the whole of a year’s growth cycle in a long time.

"Sakura-chan seems really cheery lately, too. Can't imagine why." The second sentence is said flippantly, without any real conviction, as if Naruto knows exactly why.

Sasuke glances at his teammate, neck warming and heart skipping a little at the mention of her. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of hearing that Sakura is happy from secondhand sources; it makes him feel like he’s doing something right for once. Maybe not all his impulses are complicated in nature enough to require dissection, as he was accustomed to doing when he was away; spending time with her is one, and he's been indulging it often.

He briefly entertains the idea of outright telling Naruto that they're together, then, but the dobe is moving on before he comes up with the words. "Well, anyways. Wanna spar Monday morning, if neither of us get a mission by then?”

That’s… specific. Maybe he doesn’t need to say anything to him, after all; he’s sure it’s no coincidence that Naruto is asking about the exact time period Sakura is busy training with Ino, probably as aware of her schedule as Kakashi is. Their old sensei might have told him, he supposes, or maybe Sakura said something; Sasuke wonders when he last saw her.

“...Sure. If you think you can handle it.”

The response he gets is a slug on the left shoulder, but it’s not overly hard. Sasuke narrows his eyes in response more out of habit than any real malice. He sees as Naruto’s hand retreats and slips out of a fist that words are written on his palm. He didn’t notice it throughout the morning due to their hands constantly being locked around weapons or thrown in punches, and he resists the urge to roll his eyes; it's likely a grocery list.

Naruto leans against the brick downstairs while Sasuke drops off his sword, and then they head to the main market area as the dobe chatters. It’s fairly busy, it being a Saturday, but it’s not intolerably so; most people are busy eating around now.

Sasuke is completely unsurprised when Naruto beelines straight for the noodles; naturally he would be out of them. He takes the opportunity to procure a blend of wild rice. Thus far he only has white and brown in his own pantry, and he’s been trying to eat it often. He's always liked rice, but it’s high in calories, too, an easy way to try putting on weight. Another variety to choose from would be beneficial.

He trails after his friend to the baking supplies next, where Naruto examines containers of flour and sugar. Sasuke concludes Hinata must bake, because he’s confident any cookie prepared by the dobe could not possibly be edible. While his teammate is occupied, Sasuke turns the corner and procures a half dozen eggs, a large bag of potatoes, and two different varieties of tomatoes. The extra five pounds of weight held in the crook of his arm doesn’t do wonders for his bruised bone situation, but it’s not wholly unbearable; he’s fairly used to dealing with pain.

“Hinata-chan said to go to the gardening stall on the north end,” Naruto says once they’ve paid and exited the building, so they begin a course in that general direction. “She said they have the best perennial bulbs; that means they come back every year!”

Sasuke twitches, surprised he can even pronounce the word perennial if he’s lived this long without knowing what one is.

“Anyways, she wants to plant some, uh…” His voice trails off, and he peeks at his hand, where Sasuke now sees the names of flowers written in feminine writing that has to be Hinata’s.

Of course. Like he could spell the words, let alone read his own sloppy handwriting.

“Iris, phlox, and uh… echo-na-na-chee-ah.”

“Echinachea,” Sasuke corrects dully, giving him a withering look.

“Sure! That! She wants to plant those in the backyard, kind of line the house with them, since the front is looking pretty nice now. She said to get bulbs; they root better. They might bloom this year, but if not, they’ll for sure come in next year!”

“...And she entrusted you with this?” Sasuke asks, raising an eyebrow.

Naruto just laughs, utterly unphased. “Duh, that’s what the list is for, teme. Hinata-chan is super smart like that. Putting it on my hand makes sure I don’t lose it!”

They meander to the northern edge of the market, past the congregation of other stalls selling seeds and garden starters. It's getting towards the end of planting season for Fire Country, but there is still plenty to choose from here, allegorical gates of green swinging open in salutation. They pass some tomato plant starters, already starting to climb their cages, but Sasuke decides against it; his hand is full presently, and the bone still kind of hurts, and none of them are red heirloom tomatoes anyways, being smaller variations like plum or cherry or grape. He likes all tomatoes, honestly, but if he was going to grow one, he’d just want the one of a favorite to worry about. Repotting a starter would also require a planter, which he doesn’t have; another thing to carry.

The stall Naruto leads them to is probably the nicest one there, judiciously laid out and everything labeled neatly with precise calligraphy. The few tables the vendor has are overflowing with perennial starters, but Naruto goes to the three vertical displays of seeds and bulbs, so tall they are at eye level with both of them. They’re filled to the brim with diminutive packages, printed with large pictures of the flowers they contain the beginnings of, along with genus names and common names in smaller text. The blond examines them, surveying his hand, then the display, then back to his hand again in scrutiny.

Sasuke watches, resisting the urge to sigh and waiting for the inevitable.

“Hmm… I guess this would be a lot easier if I knew what any of these looked like. Gonna have to read them all.”

Sasuke rolls his eyes and steps forward to point to the section of iris bulbs to start with. He gives him a minute to work out which colors to pick, observing the throng of people entering and exiting around them, young and old and in-between.

Phlox are next; he directs his teammate to the appropriate section, where there are quite a few options of hues. Naruto examines them as if he is making a grand decision transformative in nature, mumbling to himself.

“Hmm… She likes blue and purple. Maybe I should…”

His own gaze wanders as he tunes Naruto out, taking in pictures of begonias and caladium on plastic shiny in the sunlight, before his vision locks on the far display.

He wanders over to it as if his body is moving of its own accord.

There are several varieties of lilies, he learns as he scans the packaging, oriental, trumpet, and what is apparently called nerine. White nerine lilies had been the variety his mother grew, lining their yard with curved porcelain petals, clusters emanating from many single stems.

He sets his groceries at his feet to free up his hand, picking up one of the packages to read the instructions on the back. His arm aches as he does so, but he couldn’t care less.

Nerine lily bulbs require good drainage. If there are still puddles in the prospective planting area 5-6 hours after rain, locate another site, or amend the soil with organic material to raise levels 2-3 inches. Nerine lilies also require soil that is somewhat gritty, though it also must be organically rich. Adding compost may increase nutrient content.

In spring, choose a location in full sun. If you are in a hotter region, site them where they will receive morning sun and afternoon shade, and plant the bulbs with an inch of the slender top above the soil surface. The top of the bulb is the area that looks like the stem of an onion. Install bulbs 8 to 11 inches apart for a massed look.

Nerine bulbs develop foliage that gather sun rays and strengthen the plants during the spring and summer months. Flower stalks develop in the fall. Provide water when the plants are actively growing, and very little when they are dormant.

You may cut the final flower stems to display decoratively. This will not hurt the plants and the cuts last long periods of time indoors. After they finish blooming for the year, cut off any remaining flower stalks. Your plants will rest for the winter months before sending up new growth in the springtime. Over time, nerine lilies will form clumps. They like to be crowded, so don’t feel pressed to divide them unless flower production begins to decrease. Clumps can then be dug, split apart, and moved to other parts of the garden, or shared with friends.

When Sasuke looks up, deep in thought, he notices Naruto searching for what he assumes is echinacea, flitting stiffly at random between the first two displays and scratching his head. Wordlessly with the package of lily bulbs still in hand, Sasuke points to the bottom right corner of the first, where several color selections are.

“Thanks, teme!” Naruto plows back to the specified stand and stoops down comically slowly, though Sasuke barely sees, gaze drawn pensively back to the packet he was examining.

The memorial stone has decent drainage, aside from the occasional hard rain like last weekend; that will become less common as the weather warms, and one or two monsoons a summer never drowned his mother’s lilies. Shade in the afternoon could be an issue, though. There’s a large oak tree on the west side that might cast some protection over it, but he only ever visits under the cover of night, so he’s unsure. He would have to examine the trajectory in person to gauge.

He considers the market bag the groceries were handed to him in earlier, studying it closely.

Carefully, he puts the package back where he found it, though his eyes linger on it. He’s no gardener, not like Sakura is, and besides, his arm hurts.

XXX

He’s leaning up against one of the blue columns outside of the hospital when Sakura emerges at three, sprightly as ever. She’s holding the two journals and the medical text from their first trip to the library; she said yesterday that she needed to return them, but there shouldn’t be any new ones she needs to check out just yet. He hadn’t stayed terribly long after they’d finished the tenmusu because he needed to shower and write his mission report, but they’d made plans to swing by the library and journey back up the hillside to read together again. There was also mention of possibly picking up food afterwards, to take to her place. Hazel Wood must be in her tote, hooked around her shoulder.

“Sasuke-kun,” she greets cheerfully. “Whew. It’s getting warm out already.”

“...It is,” Sasuke comments before he extends his hand for her texts, his own already held there, a silent offer to carry them for her.

She blushes as she passes them to him, sliding them into his hand. His eyes drift to the freckle on her cheek, and he wipes his mind blank by sheer willpower alone as they head east. The books aren’t as heavy as the groceries had been earlier, so it doesn’t hurt as much, but he's wondering at this point if the bone might actually have a small crack. He thinks he should ask her to look at it; maybe later, at her apartment.

“My balcony days may be numbered by now, at least until the fall comes,” Sakura observes as they meander.

He contemplates. “...Do you sit out there often?” It is so utterly befitting of her that he thinks he can picture it, her reading out there, surrounded by plants. He wonders if she ever admires the night sky. Their team had stargazed sometimes, on missions that first year as Genin.

Green eyes settle on him from his right. “I like to, when it’s nice out. A lot of times in the summer it gets too hot, though there is an occasional night when it’s cool enough. Fall is really the best for it. You can see the changing leaves from above. Even if it's a chillier day, it’s pleasant with some tea and a blanket in the evening."

He debates for a long moment, but decides against bringing up stout squirrels or chestnut-flavored everything or Naruto slipping on a leaf.

“...It sounds nice,” he comments simply instead, wondering if he’ll be invited to sit with her on her balcony, once fall arrives. They would have to sit kind of close; the space doesn’t seem very big from below, and it's cluttered with greenery.

Sakura smiles up at him, a look that says she agrees with his assessment.

Then, she offers softly, "You can sit out there sometime with me, if you'd like."

His neck warms; all he can do is nod and avert his gaze elsewhere, an abundance of something tender and sweet flaring to life in his belly.

Returning the books barely takes two minutes; they’re wandering towards the outskirts of the mountain in short order. Sakura sprawls in the same spot she did last time, so he takes up the same position, too, leaning up against the trunk of the tree, stable and strong.

And then his eyes catch on another freckle she has, this one near her elbow, and all he can think about is the slightly textured consistency of his ceiling, and whether the impulse to press his lips to her skin without guilt was an okay thing to feel.

She reads and he more contemplates than reads for about an hour, sprawled beneath the scant amount of shade provided by this tree that has lost its petals, trading them in for florets of a greener variety. It’s pleasant, once he can drown his inner disarray of thoughts. He eventually gets through a sliver of his book, though turning the pages is a little cumbersome, tinged lightly with pain. Perhaps he shouldn’t wait until later to ask her to examine his arm.

Sakura finishes her own book, though she keeps the pressed petal between its pages; she must have gotten through more of it while he was on the way to and from Suna. She just reclines there, after, looking up at the sky with her arms at her sides, near exactly the relaxed pose she used to lie in when they were younger.

Sasuke finishes the passage he’s on, and marks his place with the petal she’d plucked from his hair last week, before pointedly setting the text aside and following her eyes to the azure. Fluffy clouds are floating by as the sun inches closer to the west horizon, pushed steadily by the breeze.

“How is Ichika’s recommendation?” She questions.

“...Interesting.” He genuinely is enjoying reading it, despite his aberration.

Her head angles towards him, lying against a gnarled root at a slightly different angle. Her expression is curious, like she’s encouraging him to elaborate.

“Simple, but heavy with metaphors.” He considers for a second, then adds, “You might like it. Poetic.”

Full lips twist upwards. “Maybe I’ll read it next. Her recommendations are usually pretty apt; she gets a good read on people.”

“...How was yours?”

“Hmm.” She pauses, as if thinking it over. “A girl and her mother who get caught up in some bad luck. They inherit an estate - that’s where the title comes from - and supernatural things start happening. It’s kind of a story within a story situation; the grandmother they inherited the house from was an author, so they start going back and reading her writing for clues.”

“...A mystery.” It seems like she’ll read any genre. Mysteries would probably entertain her; she’s always liked to solve things.

She laughs, music to his ears. “Yeah, I suppose it is. It was pretty good. Well written; better than the last one.”

There is a pause.

“...Maybe I’ll read it next,” he echoes, her same words from earlier.

Green sparkles at him, amused before she shifts back towards the firmament.

“...Sounds like a book club.”

It is the most Sakura joke. He huffs a ghost of a laugh as more gauzy clouds drift idly by. It is peaceful, sitting here underneath the same sky as her, observing in easy silence through branches with fresh emerald buds.

And then Sasuke flexes his forearm, shifting slightly, and it still hurts. He considers; she probably won’t mind.

"...I think Naruto cracked my arm bone," he finally confides.

She turns to him, expression fluctuating immediately into one of disquiet, pink brows knotting closer in concern. He blinks and she's standing already, walking over and sitting cross-legged in the nearest open space, an indent in gnarled roots that she navigated through and found a place in as if it were nothing.

Wordlessly, Sasuke holds it out for her to inspect once she’s seated, and she gently rests her fingertips on his forearm.

"It’s from this morning?” Sakura asks, looking concerned in a way that makes his heart thump a little. Or maybe it’s from her hands encircling his skin.

He nods; she must have deduced that they trained earlier. She prods gently before threading green chakra beneath his skin towards the bone, probing for a break.

She frowns. "Oblique fracture in the ulna, though it's very slight and non-displaced.” Her gaze flicks up to him, and all at once, it’s the exam room again, him hyper aware of how close she is to him even though this is clinician Sakura. “I’ll fix it; you really shouldn't have been carrying anything on it."

It takes him a moment to realize she’s referring to him carrying her books earlier, because he’s thinking about the groceries from the market, which were definitively heavier. Her proximity and the aroma of tart berry and the freckle on her cheekbone are all incredibly distracting. Especially the freckle. He peers at her fingers, glowing verdant, and notices one on the inner portion of her right wrist, too.

"...Sorry." He says finally, flicking his eyes back up to her nervously after a long minute is spent mending marrow back together. She inclines her head back down to his arm, apparently accepting his apology for not mentioning it sooner. It's an odd sensation; he can feel the crack fusing from the inside out, ataractic chakra seeping into the diaphysis to fortify.

He feels like he should clarify, so he adds as she works, eyes fixed on her face which has settled in concentration, “I thought it was just bruised at first.” She nods as if that makes sense, working on it for another minute or so without glancing up.

He hopes she's not mad at him. Sasuke shifts his gaze downwards, something in him sinking.

“Flex it, then bend, please,” she requests, not moving her digits; she must need to feel the arm move to determine if it’s healed. He does as she asks and it’s notedly improved, no lingering pain.

“It’s better. Thank you.” He looks upwards just as she does, hoping the jade will still be soft on charcoal.

It is, startlingly so, and she’s flushing all of a sudden, dropping her hands from his arm and rising to her feet a step away, as if she, too, just realized how close they were. It's different here, daylight and not part of their routine like her entryway is becoming.

“You’re welcome,” she says somewhat hastily, complexion darkening. He’s not sure he’s much better; his neck is warm, and he remembers very specifically where each of her fingers had just been on his skin, like the ten points of contact are singed into his epidermis, and likely his grey matter, too.

As he tries to force his pulse to even out, Sakura adds, softly, “You could have just come in with him.”

His brows furrow in confusion. “...What?”

Sakura blinks, countenance appearing as if she is sorting through a problem in her head. Pink dissolves back to her normal coloring.

“Naruto came in with a slipped back rib, earlier today. I assumed it was from sparring with you.” She rolls her eyes, then. “He went and got groceries before coming in; he had them with him. Luckily nothing chilled; he had to wait for a bit.”

"...He didn't say anything about his rib." Now the slow rising and crouching is making more sense.

She sighs, closing her eyes for a second as if something has become clear, but she only replies, "Ah. Of course."

"...Wouldn’t shut up?"

"...Yeah." She turns away slightly, cheeks stained anew for some reason; it makes him curious what their third teammate babbled to her about. "He said as I was kicking him out that he was going to plant flower bulbs with Hinata this afternoon. He showed me the ones he picked. It’s good timing; the perfect time of year to plant some. Pretty soon it'll be too warm."

He lets those words drizzle slowly into his being, a little gentler than a summer monsoon.

"...Our next Hokage can't pronounce echinacea," he eventually tells her.

She chuckles with mirth, a sweet sound he finds relieving; she must have gathered he was present for that endeavor, now, and she can't be too mad at him if he can still make her laugh. Sasuke inwardly hopes she doesn’t gather that he also got groceries; he doesn’t think she’d be very impressed. It was kind of stupid to do that with a questionable arm, in retrospect.

"No," Sakura acknowledges finally, appearing highly entertained. "And he didn’t know what a perennial was until this morning, yet he’s planting an army of them. Probably without reading the directions."

They look over the village together for a lengthy moment in which he considers text printed on the back of a white package.

Then she says his name, so quietly it’s almost a whisper. "Sasuke-kun.”

He angles to her, and sweet jade is on him again, ebbing seafoam cresting as the late afternoon sunlight hits her.

"Thank you for telling me about your arm. In the future, please come to the hospital, if I'm working. You can wait in my office, if you’d prefer. I don't mind; use the window.” Her expression changes to troubled, and suddenly she is no longer the clinician version of Sakura; everything is tinged with something more, something that burns him in its intensity. “You shouldn’t just… suffer in silence, if something hurts. Even if you think it’s nothing. Please tell me."

Oh. She’s not mad, just worried. Heat grazes his ears, and he swallows, staring down at his forearm.

He wants to be close to her. He really does.

"Okay,” he agrees, and means it, carefully meeting green.

They head down the hill together to seek dinner before the rush hits, deciding to go to the yakitori stand she mentioned when he first returned. She chatters about how Naruto wants to have a bonfire in his backyard, once summer’s here and everything is planted.

“...He’s excited about his yard,” Sasuke comments after they’ve ordered, leaning against the wall of the exterior waiting for their takeout. He requested his without the sauce, since Sakura said it’s on the sweeter side for yakitori.

Sakura grins, and she’s really pretty, shadows of a nearby tree dappling her skin, cheeks still red because he paid. It’s only fair; she’s been feeding him. “Yeah, he is. I’d like to see their flowers and garden in the back, eventually. I’m sure once they’ve got it how they want it, they’ll have all kinds of get-togethers back there. Last year we carved pumpkins at their place, instead of at Ino’s and Sai’s; there’s less mess to clean up if it’s outside. He said today that you should come this year.”

“...What?”

She blinks as if remembering something, then smiles sheepishly. “So I never mentioned this, because it happened after I…” She flushes, and she looks away for a second. “...After I sent a letter for the month already, but Sai learned about this artistic thing they do in the Land of Woods, a couple years ago.” Her gaze shifts back to his. “They hollow out pumpkins and carve designs into them, in late October. Warding off evil spirits as they go into the cooler season or something; they put them on their doorsteps with candles in them so the carvings light up the night. It’s odd, but I think it’s become a tradition now. It’s fun, once you get the hang of it. We roast the seeds with salt and Hinata bakes pumpkin bread.”

That sounds entirely odd and completely characteristic of Sai; he supposes there is the artistic angle to consider. Sasuke passed through the Land of Woods three separate times, but never in the fall. “What kind of designs?”

She smiles as if she’s trying not to laugh; his expression must be that of one who is exceedingly perplexed. He supposes it’s not an expression he wears often. “Well, they’re supposed to be scary, I think, but we don’t really do well at making them that way. They’re more funny or decorative. Sai makes pretty good ones, I guess, mean faces with sharp teeth.”

“...What do you carve?”

Her eyes twinkle. “I tried a leaf, the first year, and a crescent moon the second. Sai and I teamed up to carve one for Kakashi-sensei, too, last year; a scarecrow with a cat.”

A crescent moon is not at all what he would have guessed she’d gravitate towards; he thinks immediately of the Six Paths Yin Seal that once adorned a hand he no longer has. Then he comprehends the final part of that sentence.

“...A cat?”

“Oh. Yeah, he got a cat.”

“...His summons are dogs.”

She giggles. “Yeah, Naruto and I thought it was weird at first, too, but he does kind of seem like he’d be more of a cat person overall, the more we thought about it.” Sakura shrugs. “He’s in the village most of the time now, being Hokage, so I guess he thought he could be around enough to take care of one? They’re more low-maintenance than a dog would be. I usually get tasked with feeding it and changing its litter, when he travels to watch the Chunin and Jonin Exams.”

Momentarily, he wonders if Sakura knows what’s under Kakashi’s mask; their old sensei allowing her into his space in his absence may have given her opportunities for some form of low-key reconnaissance on the matter.

Then his brain seizes on another notion, one that’s far more amusing, because she said she teamed up with Sai, and that can only mean one thing.

“...What does Naruto carve?”

Sakura’s grin widens as if she perceives exactly what thought he’s just had. She probably does; she knows him well. “He’s terrible at it. His never look like anything; just orange mush. He loves it, though, and Hinata puts it on their front step anyway.”

He snorts. Figures.

A bell dings, so they peer back in, and sure enough, their food is ready. Sakura steps forward to collect it, thanking the worker, but as she turns, she pauses.

Sasuke follows her gaze, and sees none other than their third teammate in the street, walking their direction and waving emphatically. He’s wearing a different pair of pants, knees absolutely covered in dirt and grass stains.

“Oi, teme! Sakura-chan!”

Sakura glances up to him before swiveling towards the road, their food in hand; Sasuke trails close behind, pushing apart the hanging banners of the stand as he steps beyond the threshold of the restaurant.

“Naruto,” Sakura greets when they’re out in the open.

“...Dobe.”

“Looks like you’ve planted everything,” Sakura says more than asks, gesturing to his pants as evidence.

“Hehe, yep, all of ‘em! It was work, but it will be worth it, later in the year.” Naruto scratches his head, grinning. Sasuke lets those words sink in, too, drenching dead roots.

“And now you’re getting Hinata yakitori as a treat?” Sakura pushes, seeming incredibly amused.

“Well…” Naruto looks away bashfully, grinning ear to ear. “Yeah. Gotta repay her somehow. She has good ideas. I just follow her lead.” He looks back to them, then. “Did you tell teme about all our awesome plans?”

Sasuke’s focus falls to Sakura, who is flushed, biting her lip in a smile.

“I may have started to.”

“Well, good, because our yard is going to be totally the best, and if he thinks he’s getting out of it...” the dobe points at him accusingly, “Then I’ll kick his ass!”

Sasuke scoffs. “As if you could.”

Sakura shakes her head, pink locks fluttering with the motion. “Always with the physicalities... Anyways, I’m sure it will be lovely, when everything finally comes together.”

An uncommonly stretched pause passes where blue eyes zero in on the food container Sakura is holding, before they travel up to the two of them.

The grin shifts to something remarkably tender.

“...Yeah. I’m sure it will be.” He says it with the utmost confidence, like he is as certain about it as he is about the sun rising tomorrow, and Sasuke gets the sense that he is no longer referring to gardening.

The moment passes, and then Naruto is punching them each on the shoulder respectively and sidestepping away towards the yakitori stand. “Anyways, gotta go, so I’ll catch ya later! I’m guessing you have plans of your own.”

Sasuke blinks as their teammate disappears into the restaurant, ears burning a little. When his vision travels down to his right, Sakura is blushing a dark red. She meets his gaze, smiling sheepishly.

They turn to go to her building. The entire way there, Sasuke considers everything in the beginnings of a green that seems endless, nurtured by people from all walks of life. He has been noticing it this whole time, since his return, but now he's thinking about how dull it would be without it, whether it’s dirt roads or lifeless grey granite. This is not the wilds, where seeds sprout unabated. Here, one must put in the work to grow things, find suitable locations and till the soil.

When they reach Sakura’s apartment, his eye lingers on her plants as he follows her inside. She sets the takeout on the table by her window. A shadow of a leaf from the jasmine above them is cast hazily out of focus on her left cheek.

“Would you like any sauce with yours? I could make some teriyaki sauce quick, or I have lemons I’ll be cutting up anyway for mine.”

“...Lemon?” Citrus complements chicken, he knows, but he understands that to mean she’s planning on putting it on hers, over top of the yakitori sauce.

Her lips curve upwards. “I like it on other things, too. It’s good on yakitori.”

So Sakura slices a lemon and it sits on the center of the table between them as they eat. She drizzles her yakitori with three of them, and he takes the other three. The chicken is pretty good, tart with the citrus and seared alongside green onions. It’s still warm, as it wasn’t a long walk to her place at all, a convenient sort of sustenance.

“...What else do you like lemon on?”

She chews thoughtfully, swallowing before answering. “Hmm, a lot of things. Fish, even ones that are usually served with lime. Pork. I like it on vegetables, too. Salads, pasta, rice. Most desserts that include lemon I like, as well.” She pauses again, and adds, “Lemonade, if it’s homemade.”

No wonder they’re always in her fridge. “...And tea.”

His heart flips at the way she smiles at him.

“...And tea,” she agrees.

They watch the streets fill and empty from her window, finishing the meal in a companionable reticence, smelling faintly of citrus rind and shadowed by greenery from above.

He helps her prepare decaffeinated sencha after, trying not to stare at the freckle on her cheek. He’s pondering this morning further, the notions of impetus and yearning, and also the way she says his name, but this time uttered softly under a cherry blossom tree with an invitation into her office, if something hurts.

Sakura cares about him. A lot. Sasuke knows this, has known for years, but it’s the actions of her affection, the way she expresses it purely and simply as if it’s a true north cascading through her veins, that has inched its way into his bone marrow, engraved on the latibule he carved inwardly to avoid dry swallowing life’s more bitter medicines.

As she stirs sugar and honey into her own cup, she asks, “Care for a chess rematch?”

He doesn’t even have to think about it; he nods his assent. It’s time to test something.

They arrange the board together at her table. The first round, Sasuke cautiously plans every move, surveying alternating squares and attempting to predict what strategy Sakura will employ. In some instances, he mirrors her, moving a rook a turn after she does, shifting a pawn out of imminent danger, and so on. It’s a very involved way to play, requiring attentive calculation of each move.

It’s a prolonged match that he eventually loses with a final sweeping motion of her remaining bishop, but it’s fairly close.

“...Again?”

She grins and wordlessly starts setting up the pieces she has captured, so he begins to set up hers. It’s an interesting task, a message of opposites, her setting up his dark figures and him setting up her light ones.

The second round, he simply follows his instincts, negating planning ahead farther than a couple of turns. If he gets an impulse to shift a pawn one way, he does. If his gut tells him to move the knight into her territory or to retreat a rook, he goes with it.

It drags on for the better part of an hour, and ends in a stalemate.

The smile she gives him is breathtaking, a broad and warmhearted validation.

“You’re good,” she comments, jade eyes dancing with joy. He gets the impression that it is not often she gets forced into a draw. He wonders who else she plays with. It can't be Naruto, but maybe Sai or Ino also play.

“...So are you.” He is somewhat reassured now. His impulses used to be ruinous, stemming from anger and anxiety and loss, but perhaps his journey helped in that regard. He just needs to make sure they're rooted in the right things, whether it be logic or affection, and then the major task becomes to feel rather than to overthink.

When he kisses her good night in her entryway, another movie watched and plans for tomorrow later, he doesn’t reach for the freckle the first time, though his hand twitches with the longing to. It’s treasured, this tender pressing of lips that feels like dipping a toe into still water. It is imbued with both of her hands resting on his shoulders again, ten fingertips that have him in her grip more than she could possibly fathom.

He studies her eyes when he pulls away, staring down into soft depths of viridescence. He will drown in them someday, he thinks, slowly but surely working up the courage to wade into the deep end.

The second time he kisses her, he lets himself graze her cheek to truly appreciate the difference, allowing acknowledgment of the impulse, compelled forward rather than backward as if bound by some metaphorical form of northern star situated on the rise of her cheekbone.

Sakura leans into his touch once more as she did yesterday, but this time, she brings up her own hand and delicately lets her fingertips rest atop the outside of his, as if she encourages the caress, thumb brushing against his knuckle as his lips gently brush hers. Her other hand stays resting on his clavicle, a tender embrace, osculant in a way he has hoped for countless times, inclusive of this morning.

It is exactly what he needed, a catalyst of encouragement comprised of a heat that is gentle, coaxing, but still brands him all the same.

Maybe it's okay to want to skim her freckles and more, to allow the affinities he has to breathe. They’re together now; it stands to reason they'll one day venture into territory more uncharted, if he can concede to that kind of vulnerability. Not that he’s anywhere near ready for that - he’s not - but his instincts don’t appear to be all disastrously calamitous. Touching her cheek is something she clearly welcomes.

Sasuke gave in to darker tendencies once. Perhaps it's okay to give in to lighter ones; nothing grows in the absence of light, after all. He brushes a thumb across the high point of her cheekbone once more with her hand encompassing his before they part, embracing a new habit prior to whispering good night.

The way she smiles up at him, skin aflush and glimmering eyes, is everything.

XXX

He inspects the stone and the soil surrounding it for a long while, heavy-heartedly trying to ignore the encyclopedia of names in favor of envisioning what it would look like with lilies surrounding it. Less lugubrious, probably. The trajectory of the tree’s shadow would touch the stone in the evening, he sees, now that he’s here in person. He only ever haunts this place after nightfall when there's less chance of someone happening upon him. He wishes it was more secluded for that reason; maybe healing happens in the sunshine, and that’s why he still struggles with coming here after so many years, creature of the night that he is.

Evenings with Sakura feel like healing, though, and they linger after hours consistently. Maybe next time he’ll visit his dead kin at twilight, a brittle sort of compromise.

He'll see if the impulse still grips him tomorrow, and then decide. He knows his mother would like them. Itachi would, too, although it never feels like he's here, not the same way that it feels like the rest of them are, the air weighted with an accursed brand of perfume pouring outward in all directions.

White lilies may be able to touch the light in his stead for the time being. Even if they don’t grow, he at least will know he tried, and there is always next year. By then, he may have the capability of asking Sakura if she would help him; she’s clearly a capable gardener, and there should be less sediment, if he puts in the work.

By the time he leaves for his apartment, a thin layer has loosened.

[zafirosreverie]

Coward (Jen x reader)

a/n: dialogues taken from "Cobarde" by Ximena Sariñana

You sighed as you lost sight of Jen. Another business trip, another client...another infidelity. You have been dating her for a long time now. Well, maybe “dating” wasn’t the word for your relationship. She was your sugar mommy, and you were happy for that. She always made sure you had the very best, anything you’d ask for, she’d give. 

Except what you really wanted.

You had stop caring for the money or the sex a long time ago. You weren’t sure when you started to fall in love with the woman, but you were head over heels for her now. You tried to confess it a few times, but she was always so busy, and you were scared it would break the relationship you already had with her. You knew she didn’t want anything too serious, nothing official.  

You weren’t her girlfriend, not exactly. And that’s why you knew she was sleeping with other people while she was out. You couldn’t even say it was cheating because you two weren’t a couple. You could have been just another lover with whom she cheats on another person. 

It hurt, a lot, but deep inside you knew this was what you signed up for. You accepted her rules, that she was the one in control. You accepted it because you didn’t know her at all. You thought this would be easy and fun, having someone that bought you things and stuff, and the fact that she was hot was a bonus. But then you met her, and actually got to know her, and you were under her spell quickly. She was brilliant, sarcastic and simply perfect.

She quickly became the most important thing in your life. But for her, you were just another toy. Maybe one “special” and more expensive, but a toy anyway. 

The last trip was the one that changed everything. Jennifer was usually careful and decent enough to erase all the evidence, but this time, it seems like she was in a hurry and she forgot, because you could still smell someone else’s perfume on her suit. And it hurt. 

She made you hers that night, like she always did when she came back from work, but it felt so wrong this time. No matter how hard you tried, you could still smell it, and you couldn’t help but feel like her arms were not your place anymore. 

You made your choice that night.

__________

Jen frowned when she opened the door. It was a long trip and the only thing she wanted was to hug you and kiss you. She wouldn’t admit it yet, but she found herself needing you more and more. It was strange and different for her, needing someone else, but you managed to get into her heart, breaking her walls and making her weak for the first time.

But she didn’t know how to tell you that, not yet, so she did everything she could to keep you happy, always buying you the best things and taking you to the most beautiful places, dressing you in the fanciest dresses and practically giving you all the best.

Maybe it wasn’t the best way, but it was the only one she had for now. Besides, she knew you were with her under contract. You were her sugar baby, you were supposed to have sex with her and keep her company when she asked for it. But you weren’t her girlfriend, no matter how much she wanted it. She hoped she’d be able to confess her feelings someday, and deep inside, she prayed you would feel the same. A selfish part of her told her it was the case, because you were always so eager to please her, not even asking for something in exchange, you just liked to make her happy and be there for her.

Except for now.

Jen was used to you greeting her when she came back from a trip, but today you were nowhere to find. 

“Y/N?” She called you, but didn’t get a response. Ignoring the way her heart was racing, she walked to your shared room and gasped.

“Y/N?”

You looked up and could see the confuseness in her face, which just made you even more determined. Jen blinked and looked around the room. All your things were packed and you were just finishing your suitcase.

“What are you doing?” she asked, quickly walking up to you. 

“I’m leaving, ma’am” you said, proud of yourself because you could hide the sadness from your voice.

“What?”

“I-I think it’s time for us to...end this” you said, hating yourself.

Jen gasped again and took a step closer, lifting your chin to make you look at her. Her thumb caressed your cheek and it was so hard for you to keep it together. 

“Why?” she simply asked.

“...I don’t want to be a toy anymore” you whispered “I can’t. If you want to sue me for breaking the deal, go ahead.” 

You knew she couldn’t because there wasn’t any contract, but you were also sure she could find a way to sue you for another thing. 

“You’re not a toy, Y/N” she said, and god, she sounded so sincere that you almost changed your mind.

“There’s no need to sugar coat things, ma’am-”

“Stop calling me that!” you always called her Jen, so the fact that you were talking like the first time you met, meant you were serious about it, and it scared her.

“-I know what I am, I know my place” you continued, ignoring her 

“Why are you doing this?” she asked again “Y/N, if I did something that offended you, if I didn’t give you something you wanted, please tell me, we can fix this”

“...what I want is the only thing you can’t give me, Jen” you whispered and looked at the floor. 

“I’d give you everything you asked for” she said, wrapping her arms around your waist “Just ask”

You shook your head and felt the tears coming. Why did she need to make this so hard? 

“I’m afraid we can’t. It’s against rules” you said

“Nothing is against rules”

“I know, your other affairs proved it” you regretted saying that the moment the words left your mouth. 

Jen gasped and waited for you to continue, but when you didn’t her mind started to work as fast as it could. She cursed herself and was the one to admit that you were right, she had sex with other people even after you two started this. At first it was because she was used to it, later it was because she tried to get rid of her feelings for you, but it never worked. No matter how hard she tried or who she slept with, you were always on her mind. 

But it was wrong, and she knew it. She knew you had all the right to feel like a toy, even if she tried to make you feel more important, this was totally her fault. But how could she fix it?

“I’m not mad, ma’am” you said “I know I have no claim to you...what you do while you’re gone is not my business”

“Y/N-”

“I have to finish packing”

“No” You blinked when Jen pulled you even closer and caressed your cheek “you can’t leave me, Y/N, I need you” she admitted

“You don’t” you sighed “You’ve never needed someone”

“I need you now”

You shook your head and the tears started to roll down your cheeks. Stupid woman. She didn’t have the right to control you like this. You wanted to yell at her, to push her, to hate her. But you couldn’t. You couldn’t.

“Y/N-”

“Your lies are late, Jen” you said “And there is nothing to save us...please don’t make this harder than it already is” you begged.

Jen wasn’t a woman who cried, especially not in front of the others. But this hurt her a lot. She couldn’t lose you, not now. You scoffed when you saw a tear rolling down her face. 

“Look me in the face, please don't be a coward” You said when she looked down, unable to hold your gaze “You don’t owe me a sh*t, but neither I do” you said

“I love you” she said suddenly “I love you Y/N, you can’t leave me, please”

You blinked and looked at her for a moment. Her eyes told you she was telling the truth, but you knew her, you knew she could be apparently soft when she thought it would benefit her. You knew this was just another trick.

“I already know well what you will say, I already know that you will lie” you said “You’ll say that I changed you, that I’m different...but I won’t fall for it, Jen”

“But it’s the truth!”

“It’s not”

Jen sobbed and looked down again. For the first time in her life, she didn’t know what to do. You already discovered and dismissed her whole speech, she didn’t know how else she could convince you that you were, in fact, very special for her.

“Look me in the face and don't lie to me, you don't cry” you said “If you fall in love so easy, then you must have a lot of lovers, more than I thought” 

“Y/N-”

You raised your hand and unwrapped her arms from you. You quickly closed your suitcase and it broke her heart when she finally noticed that it was the one you brought with you when you first arrived. You weren’t taking anything she bought you with you. 

“I wish you all the best, Miss Barkley” you said “I must admit that you did make a huge impact in my life...our love lasted a few hours, but I don’t think I will ever forget you”

Jen knew that tone of voice, and she knew there was no room for anything else. She knew that talking was over. What is said is said, there is no more. And yet, she tried one more time.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t prove it, I’m sorry I wasn’t what you deserve” she said 

“It’s not your fault, ma’am” you sniffed “It has never been the fault of the one who hurts, or who cries” 

Jen felt her heart breaking even more as you passed by her side. You gave her one last smile before you left.

“The guilt is of the one who falls in love” you whispered.

[loxare]

More inadvisable late night Untamed fic. I have a lab in the morning......

Based on the personality swap AU @valdrift drew

The thing about Zidian was, it didn't require a particularly strong cultivator to wield it. Not anymore. Generations of Yu cultivators had filled it with all the power it needed to be a devastating force even in the hands of a weak cultivator. What Zidian truly required in a wielder was the finesse and strength of will to only every hit what was aimed at, and a proper temper. The former could be taught, but the latter needed a solid foundation, a soul that was inclined towards thunderous indignation as the only warning for lightning strike fury.

And so, when Yu Ziyuan needed to choose one of her children to inherit her deadliest weapon, she chose Jiang Yanli.

Jiang Cheng had the core to be truly devastating with Zidian, and he would have done well with it, but he was a mischievous boy, far too easy going, and wouldn't know a slight against him if it slapped him in the face. He was quick enough to anger if someone insulted his sister, and indeed Ziyuan had had to mediate several disagreements caused by Jiang Cheng verbally or, on one memorable occasion, physically assaulting Jin Zixuan. Never mind that his sister was more than capable of verbally assaulting Jin Zixuan herself. The rest of the time, anger slid off his back like water off of a lotus leaf. Even at the tender age of nine, Ziyuan could see that her son would never have the temperament necessary to wield Zidian properly. Perhaps in short bursts, if needed, but he would never truly master it. Not like Yanli would.

The eldest child of the Jiang sect held a fury in her that can only have come from her mother. And why not? As the eldest child of a great sect, she should have everything. But the archaic rules her father insisted on enforcing prevented her from inheriting her rightful position as sect heir, instead condemning her to a life of power borrowed from her future husband, in a sect that would never appreciate her talents. It had been the best that Yi Ziyuan had been able to secure for her daughter, and it would never be enough. Jiang Cheng would inherit, and he would flourish as sect leader, Ziyuan was proud to say, but the knowledge that she would never stand in that lofty place would always weigh her daughter down. And her daughter raged under the weight.

And so, a mere two weeks after Fengmian brought that whelp of a street child into their home, Ziyuan started training her daughter in the use of Zidian.

And in the hands of Jiang Yanli, the whip roared.

A week after Jiang Yanli's twelfth birthday, her father brought home a dirty pile of rags. Those dirty rags turned out to be a boy, a quiet, shy boy who spent most of his introduction to the Jiang children hiding behind her father's robes. Even after a warm bath and a hesitantly eaten hot meal, there wasn't much of him. He seemed to be trying to make himself smaller and smaller. If he could have sunk into the floor, Jiang Yanli was sure he would have. Jiang Yanli scoffed, and went to bed that night thinking that he would be run out of the sect in a week.

It didn't take nearly that long. Jiang Cheng barged into her room in the middle of the night, bawling his eyes out. It took Jiang Yanli pinching him on the thigh to shock him out of his tears enough to tell her why he was crying. "I was sad about Princess an' Jasmine an' Love an' I yelled at Wei Ying and now he's go-o-o-one!" And with that, he started crying again.

Jiang Yanli would have left it at that. Wei Ying didn't want to be here. That was clear enough. All her other shidis had been nervous when they'd arrived, but twenty minutes with Jiang Cheng had them forget their nervousness and by the end of the day, they had opened up and were running and laughing with the other disciples. Wei Ying had been in Jiang Cheng's presence for an entire evening and he had still kept himself separate and small. If he didn't want to be a Lotus Pier disciple, Jiang Yanli was very ok with letting him run off.

Except.

Her baby brother was crying.

Jiang Yanli was not a comforting person, in general. Too sharp, too quick to anger, incapable of seeing things from other people's perspectives, or at least, incapable of doing so with the ease her brother had. Sometimes an arm wrapped around her brother's shoulders, the one thing she knew worked more than it failed, was enough to stop his tears, but she could tell that in this case, it wouldn't even come close. Which meant she had to remove the source of his tears. So she stood up, dropped her quilt over her brother's head, and said, "Stay here dummy." Then she grabbed a lantern and headed out.

Wei Ying's tracks were easy enough to follow and ended at a hollow under a downed tree's roots. The light of the lantern reflected off Wei Ying's pale face. "What are you doing under there?"

"Ah. Well." It was the first time she had heard his voice. Soft and gentle, like a fall rain. "Jiang Cheng told me to go away."

Wei Ying was too deep for her to reach him. Which meant she needed to convince him to come out. Ugh. "And you listened to him? If you do that he'll get a swelled head. An even more swelled head. A-Cheng says a lot of stuff, and if you listen to everything he says you'll start believing that water ghouls sleep under the docks and lotus pods taste better with the stems still attached."

"Do they?"

"No. A-Die wouldn't let ghouls anywhere near the docks, and lotus pods taste the same whether the stem is long or not."

"Oh." Wei Ying fidgeted. "He told me to go away. That if he saw me again, he'd set his dogs on me."

"Dogs he doesn't even have anymore, thanks to you." Wei Ying flinched at her words, and Jiang Yanli winced. Well she'd already started digging this grave. "So he couldn't set them on you if he wanted to. And since he was just in my room crying about scaring you off, I don't think he wants to."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He was just sad cause his dogs are gone. He didn't mean what he said. Now get out here so we can walk back and he can tell you all of this himself."

There was a shuffle. "I hurt my ankle when I was running. That's why I crawled in here."

Jiang Yanli sighed. "Well come out here so I can carry you back, and then a-Cheng can tell you all of this."

There was another shuffle, and then Wei Ying's face appeared between the roots of the tree. Dirty again, like they hadn't just given him a bath. She gave him the lantern to hold and loaded him onto her back.

In the end, Wei Ying didn't have to wait until they got all the way to Lotus Pier to hear Jiang Cheng's apology, because he had followed them, when Jiang Yanli had expressly told him to wait for her! And he'd hurt his knee falling into a ditch. He gave Wei Ying a blinding smile when he saw him and tried to climb out of the ditch in his excitement and then almost hurt himself worse. Which meant Jiang Yanli had to carry both boys home, which meant she was angry enough to burst when she finally got there. As such, instead of heading to the rooms, she went to the kitchens for some late night cooking. Setting things on fire always calmed her down.

She set Jiang Cheng carefully on a chair, then turned around to put Wei Ying on the one next to it. And she washed the dirt off of her hands, set a basin of water and a spare medical kit on the table between the boys, and turned to do some cooking.

In between dry frying spices, blanching pork ribs, and chopping lotus roots, she listened to the boys talk. It started with a hiss as Jiang Cheng wrapped Wei Ying's swollen ankle. Then, "Does she hate me?"

"A-Jie? No. Why would she hate you?"

"She seems mad..."

Jiang Cheng snorted. "That's just Jie. She's always mad. Even when she's happy, she's a little bit angry."

"Oh." More silence, then, "Want me to clean your cut? I'm pretty good at it."

"Ok!" Jiang Yanli looked over just in time to watch Jiang Cheng happily push the cloth into Wei Ying's hands and prop his leg up on Wei Ying's chair so he would have easy access.

For another few minutes, the only sounds were the boiling of the soup, the quiet, indrawn breaths of Jiang Cheng, and the splash of water as Wei Ying rinsed his cloth. He reached for the bandages, but Jiang Cheng pushed the salve towards him. "This first, then bandages. It'll help it heal faster."

Wei Ying put a little of the salve on his fingers, staring at it wonderingly. Then he applied it just as gently as he had cleaned the wound.

Once the bandage was wrapped and secured, Jiang Cheng pulled his leg down, bending the knee to test it. "Wow, you're really good at that! Where did you learn?"

"Ah. Sometimes dogs would attack me if they thought I had food. I had to clean out my injuries very thoroughly or they got infected."

Jiang Yanli paused in ladling her soup. A-Die hadn't said anything about that when he'd taken Jiang Cheng's dogs away. She put the bowls on a tray and carried it to the table. "Eat."

"Yay! Thanks a-Jie!" Jiang Cheng grabbed a bowl and started slurping like the ill mannered cretin he was. Jiang Yanli hid a fond smile.

Wei Ying hesitated, not picking up his spoon until Jiang Yanli put the soup bowl in front of him as hard as she could without spilling any. "I said eat. What, is my soup not good enough for you?" And then she cursed herself, because Wei Ying was doing that making himself smaller thing again. Desperate, she stared at Jiang Cheng until he got the hint, hating herself for having to lean on him like this.

Jiang Cheng just grinned and wrapped an arm around Wei Ying's shoulders. "Jiejie's angry soup is the best. You just don't know that cause you haven't tried it yet." He nudged the bowl closer in an unsubtle hint. When Wei Ying still didn't eat, he pulled back, using his grip on Weo Ying's shoulder to turn him so they were facing each other. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"I just..." Wei Ying's shoulders curled in even more. "I don't want to get used to it. Every time I thought I would get to stay somewhere, it hurt more when I got kicked out."

Jiang Yanli's grip on her spoon tightened. "What do you mean by that?"

Wei Ying shifted uncomfortably. "Well the lady who ran the book store let me sleep on the floor of the shop for a few days once, and she fed me lots of good food, but then someone broke in and kicked me in the dark, and I screamed, and... turned out there had been a bunch of robberies and she just wanted some extra security. She kicked me out once they'd caught the guy. And the guy at the inn let me stay in exchange for helping clean the place up, but then when the party of nobles had been expecting arrived, he kicked me out too. And others. So I don't know why I'm here, but I don't want to get used to it so it'll hurt less when I have to leave."

"No!" Surprisingly, it wasn't Jiang Cheng who shouted. He was still staring slack jawed at Wei Ying. It was Jiang Yanli who stood, indignation flooding through her. "You aren't getting kicked out!"

"That's right! Weren't you listening to a-Die? He said you were going to live here and be our new brother!" Wei Ying still seemed hesitant, so Jiang Cheng added, "That means you have to stay here forever and eat a-Jie's soup and learn cultivation with me, unless you can't in which case you need to learn how to be my second for when I inherit the sect. Those are the rules. The most important being the stay here forever bit."

"You mean it?" Wei Ying looked up at them, still wary, but hoping.

Jiang Yanli pushed the soup closer to him again. "We mean it. I don't cook for people I don't like. Now eat your soup."

And then, for the first time, Wei Ying smiled, and it lit up the room like sunrise breaking over the lake. "Ok!"

And Jiang Yanli felt a blow to the place in her chest where she hid her love for her brother, a blow like something, or someone, making a home there. And she thought, Oh no, and she thought, Oh we are definitely keeping him, and she thought I will protect him forever.

She looked over at her baby brother - one of her baby brothers, she thought with a thrill of... something - and saw the exact same sentiment on his face.

Jiang Yanli finished eating her soup and then she took her brothers' bowls to the sink for washing in the morning. And then, she took her brothers, new and old, to their room for bed.

[deepdonutkid]

The forsaken road

Requested: yes by anon

Summary: You have been gone for a year now, even though Finn and you have been friend since ever. Now he is trying to convince you to come back to Birmingham.

Author’s note:

Finn is a little sassy, but this is supposed to be a close friend and usually nobody is shy around close friends. Maybe he got the usual Shelby sass.

This was super funny to write and I hope I did the request right. This thing whole x reader thing is still new to me.

The reader is female, I couldn’t work around that. I’m sorry. There are only two times or so, when the reader is referred to as “she.”

Requests are still open~ If you want to request something or want to be added to my tag list, just write me!

John is dead in this one q.q

And the reader is stubborn as fuck

Word count: 4260

Warnings: major character death, swearing

It was the first time Finn was nervous behind the steering wheel. Even when he started driving, he felt completely comfortable with it. Cars just were his thing and he wasn’t the only one to notice. Tommy himself chose Finn to be his driver more than once and Finn was a good driver. He didn’t panic nor did he take unnecessary risks.

But this time it was different. He was alone in the car, nobody by his side and his destination was on the countryside. Far away from his usual ways. His hands clung around the leather wheel. The grip so tight, his knuckles shined white. Nevertheless, this was important and he had worries, if he would find the small cottage in the middle of nowhere. Polly drew the way on his map, so he wouldn’t get lost, but he still feared, what would happen, if it was getting dark and he was still driving.

With all his might he tried to push his insecurities away. These wouldn’t help him find his way through the unknown. And it was not like he had another choice. You didn’t seem to return to Birmingham by yourself, so he needed to get you back. Actually, he didn’t understand why you left in the first place. You had a job and friends, who cared about you and yet you left in the middle of the night, without even saying goodbye.  You should have come at least to him, your best friend.

When Isiah told him, he refused to believe it. Maybe it was just a bad joke. You wouldn’t run off without a word… and yet you did. The realization knocked him down. Finn couldn’t imagine his life without you and now he had to. Even worse, he didn’t know why. He thought, he meant as much to you as you did to him. Apparently this wasn’t the case. You left him heartbroken and he would never say that out loud, but he cried.

And yet, he wasn’t over you. Somehow he just couldn’t forget you. The way you smiled, when he cracked a joke or when a new pint of beer arrived at the table. He missed the smell of your hair, when you leaned against his shoulder late at night. Or that one time you held hands under the table at the Garrison. You swore Bonnie saw the innocent act, but Finn doubted it. You had some much fun together and now everything was gone with the wind.

That was the reason, why he took the forsaken road. If he couldn’t bring you back, he needed at least an explanation. Otherwise he would never have a peaceful sleep again. He had prepared everything he would say. There were a couple of things on his mind and he needed to say them. Hopefully you would listen. Finn thought about the whole scenario over and over again. And even when you would be as stubborn as ever, he had one last option.

His heart jumped, when he noticed the small cottage down the road. This had to be it. The house of your aunt and her husband. Now it was just a few meters ahead of him and he was getting even more nervous. The hands were all sweaty and his knees started to shake as he pulled into the driveway.

The motor stopped and everything was dead silent for a while. Finn was too scared to move and froze right on the driver’s seat. Inside of him there was a voice yelling at him to get out of the fucking car and ask you, why you had to break his heart. But he couldn’t, not until he heard steps on the gravel path that went around the house. Wary like a watch-dog he turned his head to see who was coming.

Until now he was worried, that he might have the wrong address… or you wouldn’t be there anymore… or something worse. Now he had his proof. You stood just not far away from him and yet it felt like you were miles away. Finn stumbled out of the car and ran to you, before you could hide in the house.

“Hey”, you managed to say, while you couldn’t believe your own eyes. After all this time you spend dreaming about him, he was here. Right in front of you. Suddenly you had a lump in your throat and your heart was racing. This reunion seemed so surreal and you doubted you would like how this would turn out. You knew that he wasn’t pleased with the way things ended. It was visible in his face. His cheeks were so red, his freckles weren’t even visible.

And even though he seemed so angry, all you wanted right now was to pull him in for a long hug. Of course, you missed him. He was your best friend and you had spent so many great nights together with the others at the Garrison. But still you couldn’t move and prepared for the worst.

“Hey!” he yelled: “Fucking finally.”

Nobody moved, but you felt the tension. You knew you should say something, anything, but there were no words to explain your inner tumult.

Finn signed and added: “You should have said this months ago.”

Slowly you nodded. Unable to speak, it was the least you could do. And he was right though. You should have had that conversation sooner, but you feared it so much, that you just packed your things and went.

Then you heard something, you certainly didn’t expect. “I missed you.”

You hadn’t comprehended this sentence and suddenly you felt his arms around you.

He whispered in your ear: “Every fucking day, Y/N.”

It was the long hug you needed and it gave you the idea, that maybe and just maybe things weren’t as bad as you thought. With croaked voice you mumbled: “I missed you too.”

But you were wrong. Things were bad and four soft spoken words couldn’t obliterate one year in misery. He pulled away and the look on his face was quite surprised as he asked: “Then why you left?”

Your mouth was dry as you tried to prepare some kind of an answer, certainly not a good one. It felt like your lips were glued together and even when you tried to open it, it wouldn’t work.

His hands caressed your cheeks. “What was the reason? Why did you leave me?”

“I was…”, you begun to say, but paused to take a deep breath: “I was scared.”

“Of me?” he asked with concern in his eyes.

You shook your head. “No… of course not.”

Right now you felt more feelings in the glimpse of this moment than ever in your life. It was like a rollercoaster. Everything went up and down. Yes, you were happy, he got all the way here, just to see you again, but you still feared this conversation. Running away was stupid, you knew, there was just no other option to get out of this mess.

Your body shivered as you felt his warm breath on your chest. “What were you scared of?”

How could you answer it? There was no easy way to say it.

“Of Tommy?” You shook your head, while tears filled your eyes. “Arthur?”

“No”, you whispered: “Don’t be silly. Nobody from your family was the problem.”

His frustration reached a peak. He got even louder as he shouted: “Then tell me who!”

You winced, because he frightened you. Even though he was the sweetest and most innocent of the four Shelby brothers, Finn still got the temper. And this time you really deserved it.

“Nobody”, you cried: “I was just scared.”

Finn took another step back. His hands left your cheeks gently, but were clenched into fists just seconds after. “Of what?” he repeated once again.

This time you tried to explain: “I don’t know. I thought something bad would happen. I could feel it coming.” There wasn’t a clear sign, when you knew you couldn’t be there anymore. This feeling grew inside of you for a long time. While being friends with the Shelbys you have witnessed violence, drug abuse, gang fights and other things, you weren’t ready for.

Things that changed you until you couldn’t sleep anymore and you couldn’t breathe anymore. That was the reason why you left. But of course, Finn didn’t seem to understand it. The tiny wheels in his head kept turning, but he still looked clueless.

“Why?” he whispered with a face like he seemed to choke on his own words.

You had to reach out for him, pulled him into a hug and patted his back. “I was scared of losing you”, you said. It didn’t even sound like your voice, not stubborn and strong as always but very weak and broken.  

He wrapped his arms around you and squeezed you until you couldn’t breathe. “But why then… I had to lose you?”

Just when you were about to answer, he added: “I mean… this year without you was horrible. All the sudden you were gone and you took all the colors with you. Everything seemed so bleak. Nobody could cheer me up. I couldn’t… do anything without you. I was useless after you left… and you didn’t even tell me yourself. Isaiah noticed, you weren’t at home and then I asked Polly and she confirmed it. You know, I thought it was all my fault… because what happened the night before.”

That night. Yes, you did remember that. Actually you planned to tell him on that fateful night, that you were leaving, but after he kissed you and you kissed him, you couldn’t bring yourself to confess. You bit your lip.

“It wasn’t your fault”, you mumbled. Your fingers were running through his hair so careful, as if he would break, if the pressure was slightly higher. “It was mine. The night was great, but I couldn’t be in Birmingham at that time.”

He lifted his head to look you in the eyes. There were so many questions in his mind. You could see it.

“After John’s death I knew, I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you the same way. Shot multiple times. My feelings for you were to strong. I had loved you and your end would have been mine as well. Every time, we met at the Garrison, I feared some day you wouldn’t show up, because you were lying dead somewhere. I’m not the type of person who would seek revenge but more the type of person who would crumble to pieces”, you professed.

But this wasn’t even the end of the story. Finn was keen to say something. You shushed him. “I wasn’t done yet.”

“With the time I had realized this wasn’t the life I wanted. I wasn’t ready for all this violence and I still think it would ruin me. When I still did snow, it was okay. I could tolerate the fact that everything we had was bought by blood. But when I stopped doing drugs, I felt sick every time I saw what your brothers did to defend their power.”

Slowly you let him go. Not as sudden as the last time. He forced you to explain it and you did as he wished, but you knew, this wouldn’t make better.

You just weren’t the right person for him, even though you loved him. Others might have stayed, but it was too much for you.

Now the both of you were crying. When he realized, that things hadn’t changed, he felt worse than before. “You had loved me?” he asked like he couldn’t believe his own voice.

“Actually… I still do”, you confessed: “Not a single day has passed, I didn’t think about you.”

Finn stared at you. “Why didn’t say something sooner?” The red vanished from his face and it left him even paler than before.

You shrugged. “I don’t know. I thought you wouldn’t feel the same way.”

“But I do!” he protested: “I always have.”

It was what you wanted to hear, even though now it was too late. It didn’t matter anymore. You decided to stay here. Maybe the life in the small cottage was boring, but at least it was peaceful. From morning till dawn you spend your time in the garden or in the kitchen and nothing bad ever happened, unlike all that drama in Small Heath.

You glared at the cloudless sky. It was a warm, yet windy day, just like it was one year ago, when the husband of your aunt picked you up at a station nearby.  Back then you thought you would never see him again. Now he was standing here and declared his love for you. Should this feel like a happy end?

“Maybe… it’s too late”, you murmured. The time for sweeping love declarations was months ago. Finally you wiped the wetness from your cheeks.

At first Finn just gazed in abstraction, then he frowned. “What?”

“Maybe it’s time for you to leave. You don’t want to get lost in the dark.” Yes, you pushed him away, but it has been hard enough for you to forget him. His family still had shady business and they would always have enemies. Neither could Finn escape them nor you, if you were his girlfriend.

“Fuck no.”

Now you were baffled by his words. With an intense glare you stared at him. This was very unlikely for him, which made you think, he might have changed while you were gone.

“Stop making decision for me. Everybody else already does this. I won’t leave until we had a proper talk.”

Obviously, you were lost in translation. Didn’t you just have that talk, did you? “Tell me what you want to know”, you demanded, while you crossed your arms in front of your chest.

Finn took another step towards you. “Just tell me why we should not be together. I mean, I love you and you love me and yet you keep pushing me away.” He held out his hand for you to grab it. You didn’t.

“Love isn’t everything Finn”, you argued: “I want safety.”

Just when you were about to explain this further the front door opened behind Finn. Your aunt stepped out of the house. “Dinner is ready, Y/N.”

“I’m coming”, you said as you were on your way to the dinner table. The young Shelby followed you with his eyes. This talk had come to an end, at least in your opinion, but Finn didn’t seem to agree with you.

He grabbed your hand and gave it a squeeze, while he begged you silently to stay.

“I heard you two talking”, your aunt tossed in: “You were pretty loud, dear.”

Your cheeks were getting hot. This was embarrassing. Since you left Birmingham, you had found a new home here in the middle of nowhere. Your aunt was sweet and caring. She never had children and loved the idea of getting a little help around the house. Now she had heard why you had fled.

And again you had no good apology. But this time you didn’t even have to say something. Your aunt did. “Now come inside. It’s getting cold and your boyfriend probably wants to eat something after the long drive.”

You babbled some incoherent words, while Finn started smiling like an angel. “Thank you. I sure would love to have dinner with you, Mrs.” he nodded.

Since you were still completely overwhelmed with this whole situation, Finn guided you to the entrance. When you realized, he was about to enter the house, you started moving yourself and picked up the pace.

Inside you noticed the fourth plate on the dinner table. Your aunt had already planned to invite him in. What a back-stabbing bitch.

You glared at her with passionate hate. Yeah, okay, you loved Finn, but this still didn’t mean you could have a life with him, a known gangster. However your aunt disrupted your plans to forget about him. Now he thought he still could turn things around, which wasn’t possible.

“You can sit here, sweetie”, she said and pointed at a chair. Finn followed her order and took place.

This damn smile wouldn’t leave his darn beautiful face. With clenching fists you sat down right in front of him. “After this… you’re leaving”, you threatened him.

Pointless, but you tried. Of course, you didn’t know that Finn thought you were the cutest, when you tried to intimidate someone.

“We’ll see about that”, he grinned and then turned to your aunt: “This house is beautiful…. But it was very hard to find.”

Your aunt giggled and put a steaming pot in the middle of the table. Inside of it was a delicious stew and the smell filled the room. “Well, it’s very quiet here and the sea is nearby. Maybe Y/N can show you the beach. You probably know, how stubborn she can be.”

Finn burst out in laughter and agreed: “Yes, she can be quite a pain in the ass, but she is still my best friend. Everybody back home missed her so much. I had hoped to bring her back for a couple of days… She said no.”

“Wait…”, you interrupted him: “Who said that?”

“What?”

“That they missed me?”

Finn was surprised for the glimpse of a second, and then he laughed. “Everybody! Isiah said it a couple of times. Bonnie too! Arthur said he missed hearing you singing drunk in the Garrison. And Esme said the fair isn’t half as funny without you.”

Your mouth formed a silent “Oh” like you just realized that you had left everybody behind and not just Finn.

He made a wiggly movement with his hands. “You probably won’t believe me but… even Michael said something is different since you left.”

You gave him a skeptic stare and just shook your head. “No fucking way.” Not even in a thousand years Michael would say something like that and not about you from all people. He was a jerk who would always make snarky side comments about you and you would do the same about him. It wasn’t friendship- not even close, even though you had the same group of friends.  

“Yes, of course he did. Everybody is sad that you left without saying goodbye”, he responded and hiked his shoulders.

Slowly, your head turned towards your empty plate. Maybe leaving like this was kinda selfish.

Your aunt was filling the bowls with stew, when her husband arrived though the backdoor. His face was stained with dirt, but his eyes widened as he noticed Finn. “Who is that?” he growled and sat down at the table.

“Y/N’s boyfriend. He came all the way from the city to see her again.” Apparently your aunt thought she was being funny.

Her husband didn’t seem to be happy with that answer either. He grunted and then began to eat his dinner in silence.

Finn’s cheeks were red once again, but this time it wasn’t anger. He was nervous. “Nice to meet you, Mr. I’m Finn Shelby.” You heard it in his voice.

Your uncle nodded and didn’t stop shoveling stew in his mouth for one second. He wasn’t a man of many words. More like the silent type of guy. You liked it. At least he wasn’t as noisy as your aunt.

The dinner was exhausting. Your aunt kept asking Finn all types of questions and he was hesitant to answer most of them. Once or twice you helped him out. He was still your friend and seeing him in discomfort made you feel the same.

And the discomfort didn’t end with the dinner. “Finn, dear, it’s already dark outside. Do you still want to go back today? We still have a guestroom. You can stay there, if you want to? You two still have so much to talk about.” The suggestion of your aunt may seem nice, but it was meant to torture you.

“Oh, that’s so nice”, he said: “Thank you. I just have to get some things of mine from the car.”

Finally he stood up. You followed him back to his car. Now you had at least the opportunity to talk him out of this stupid idea. He shouldn’t be here and both of you knew it. Tommy would be furious with him, if he left for so long.

“You can’t stay”, you decided.

With a wide grin on his face he replied: “Oh, sure I can. Your aunt said it… and since you’re not my girlfriend… you can’t make decision for me.” He poked your nose and smiled.

Then he turned around to his car and opened trunk. It was full of all kinds of stuff. Why did he need a dress? And it wasn’t even his color!

You took a deep breath before pointing out the obvious: “What the fuck is this?”

“Gifts”, Finn answered: “When I said, I would be visiting you everybody gave me something for you.”

Now you had to take a closer look of the ragbag of things inside of the trunk. The Shelby coughed slightly and explained: “The dress is from Ada and the jewelry box is from Isaiah… but don’t worry, his sister chose it. Tommy gave you a bottle of gin. He started making some, while you were gone. Actually… I took the bottle, but it doesn’t matter. Tommy bribes everybody to try his gin. It’s the family recipe. And Bonnie got you a scarf. Well… it’s all kind of stuff.”

“I can’t accept that.” It was too much and too expensive. You were never part of the family, just Finn’s little friend.

Finn clucked his tongue. “Yes, you can.” Then he started to put some gifts in your arms.

“Let’s get this stuff inside and then go to the beach your aunt mentioned.”

You were ready to argue and yet you had nothing left to say. “Why are you so stubborn all the sudden?” you asked.

He took the rest and closed the trunk again, before responding: “Because usually you’re the bone head of us, but this time I have something to say and I’m not leaving until you heard it”

“Trust me just once. This is important”, he added with stern eyes and stroked your cheek with his finger.

When he looked at you like that, something inside you melted and you got weak in your knees. There was something undeniably sexy about him. Your head felt so hot when you squeaked: “Fine.”

Then you walked together with him back to the house and put the things in your room. Finn was prying, but you didn’t stay long enough for him to snoop around.

After you were done, you pulled him out of your room again. “You were never interested in my stuff. Why now?”

“Well, I wanted to know which things you kept and which things you had thrown away”, he explained as the both of you walked out of the house.

You crossed your arms before your chest and argued: “My other stuff is in my old room in Birmingham… but it’s not like I had so much to take with me.”

Finn was just about to walk in the wrong direction, so you took his hand and pulled him back. “It’s this way to the beach.”

“Okay, take the lead, lady”, he laughed: “But you still wear the necklace I got you.”

Immediately, your hand searched the pendant. It was nothing expensive, however it was very important to you, because Finn gave it to you on your birthday. “Well, I said I would never take it off.”

“Good”, he nodded and glanced at the sky with all his stars. He was more than a head taller than you, so you couldn’t see how happy your words made him.

Then you walked in silence to the beach. It was even windier here and you forgot to take your jacket, because you just wanted to get over with this and then go back to your boring life.

Finn noticed your shivering and put his coat on your shoulders, which made you smile. It has been a while since you felt like that. Your tummy rumbled in excitement.

“I still have one last gift for you”, he whispered.

You looked up and down, but you didn’t find it. “Where?”

His handy were jittery, when he said: “Promise me you think about it at least for one second, before saying no.”

“Of course”, you answered and took his hand so he wouldn’t be distracted. Your fingers intertwined with his and you smiled again. “C’mon, Finny, what is it you want to talk about?”

Slowly he went down on one knee. By that time you knew what he was going to say, but you still couldn’t believe it. He pulled out a small box and presented you a very beautiful ring, before saying: “Marry me.”

Your head was empty. All you could do was staring at him.

“I’m serious, Y/N. If you agree to be my wife, you won’t have to worry about your safety anymore. Then you’re part of the family and everybody would protect you. And I need you in my life. This year- without you- was the worst in my life. After losing my brother and almost my cousin I lost you too. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep and I missed you more than you could imagine. Please come back with me… or at least think about it, before you’re being stubborn again.”

Tagging: @bonniesgoldengirl​

[eunoiaflow3r]

julia, dive

spencer reid x reader

aaron hotchner x reader

this is part 4

complicated (series)

a/n: okay, so this might sound confusing but i swear it’s not. the beginning half JULIA is spencer’s pov before he explains.

the ending half DIVE is hotch’s pov before Y/N ends up choosing.

i didn’t want to split it up into 2 parts because i felt like THAT is confusing. you should read both halves but this is kind of the transition into the double ending thing. also ignore that it says “julia” that’s the name of the song by lauv. dive by ed sheeran.

word count altogether: 2k

warnings: language? also not proofread.

—————————————&————————————-

JULIA

word count: 1k

my hesitation and holding my breath i led you to the garden of my loneliness wish that you left before it all burned down

i’m sorry what I do to you i push and pull and mess with your head then get in your bed cause I’m weak deep down. i wish i never lied to you i never meant to hurt you like that and if i could go back i’d leave you alone

“I can’t always be there for you JJ. I just can’t.”

“Why not? Because of Y/N? I thought you broke up with her.”

“Yeah and I fucking shouldn’t have.”

Spencer was angry. He was at JJ’s house while she complained about him and what he wasn’t doing for her. Her kid was at his dads house and that gave her all the more time to yell at him for no reason. He was tired. Life a few months ago was so tiring and here he was, depressed, lonely, and....mad.

“You shouldn’t have?” JJ questioned - clearly appalled.

“Yes, I shouldn’t have. It was a fucking mistake. This whole thing was a fucking mistake.” he said trying not to scream at her like she was him.

“A mistake? I’m a mistake?”

“I’m leaving.” He needed to go. He needed to clear his head. He needed to get you out of it. He wasn’t sure if he ever could.

“You’re leaving? What about Friday?”

“You’ll go by yourself.”

And then he left. He had such a headache too. If he knew it’d all just end up in one huge fight he wouldn’t have come to her house at all. Her problems are not his problems and he didn’t need to be berated about it. He had bigger things to worry about.

He needed to sort out his priorities. He needed to see you.

He’s been so sad these past few months and he didn’t know why until about a week ago. He stopped doing things for him. He stopped caring about you.

He started putting JJ’s needs and wants above his own when he shouldn’t have. If these past few months have proved anything to him it’s that he’s fucked up. Bad. And he needs to fix it. He has to fix everything. He has to see you.

After showering and getting ready he headed over to your apartment. He knocked to your door for a good 3 minutes before one of your neighbors started shouting at him “She’s gone! She moved out!”

Oh no. “Wait, what?” his voice cracked. “Where to?”

Your ex neighbor rolled her eyes. “Why would I know?”

Spencer left. What was he going to do? Did you leave the city? The state? No. You couldn’t have. You promised to meet him on Sunday. Granted you promised half asleep, but you still said you’d be there. So everything was fine. He was fine. He just needed a coffee.

On the way there he thought about all the things he would say to you in just a couple days time. How would that conversation even go? Would he have to get on his knees and beg you to take him back? Hopefully you weren’t still kill - worthy angry at him. Hopefully all would be fine.

After he ordered, he turned around at the sound of the bell on the door jangle.

It was Jack with his friend and his friend’s mother Ana. Where was Hotch?

After getting his coffee he made his way over to the three. “Hey Jack!”

“Oh hey Spencer!” Jack said as he hugged Reid. Spencer nodded to Ana and then waved at her son.

“Where’s your dad little man?” He hadn’t seen Jack for a while actually. It seems like he’s gotten so big in just a few months.

“He’s with Y/N.”

Spencer nearly dropped his coffee.

“He’s what?” he asked.

“They went to go see a movie. Dad said it was a scary movie so I couldn’t go.”

A movie. Hotch and Y/N went to go see a movie. Alone. Not with other friends. Just the two of them. On a date. Was it a date? Was Y/N on a date with his boss? His boss of all people.

And yeah, he knows you’ve known Hotch longer but still.

Still.

All was not fine.

When Spencer got home he nearly started crying. His heart hurt so much and it hurt even more when he realized this was all his fault. Everything was his fault. He was losing you if he hasn’t already.

Have you fallen for Hotch? Were you two dating?

Spencer couldn’t fall asleep that night. He tossed and turned in his overly large bed and layed down hungry. He didn’t have the heart or the will to make himself dinner. He just wanted to fall asleep and forget everything that’s happened. He wanted to forget everything that he’s done. All the trouble he’s caused. He wishes he could just create his own separate reality where everything is fine and then escape to it. Where he was living now was not where he wanted to be. He wanted to be with you.

There was such much he realized he fucked up. Decisions and choices he realized that he regretted making. How was he going to fix this? He needed to fix this. He had to change things.

When he drifted off to sleep he couldn’t help but grab his pillow and wish that he was holding you. He knew something was wrong after he broke things off with you. He thought he was doing things right. He thought he was doing you right. But now he looks back at what happened and he realizes that he’s done everything wrong. Not since the phone call, no, but since the day he first met you. His first mistake was made when he ever suggested to keep you guys quiet.

And he’s beating himself up over it. All of this could have been avoided if he would have just been honest. If he had just talked to you and told you how he was feeling, and why he was making the decisions he was making, maybe none of this would ever have happened.

But the truth is he wasn’t completely sure why he was making the decisions he was. He didn’t really know why he made the decisions that he made. But you needed an explanation.

And he had 2 days to give you one.

DIVE

word count: 1k

i could fall or i could fly, here in your aerolplane i could live, i could die, hanging on the words you say and i’ve been known to give my all and jumping in harder than 10,000 rocks on the lake

so don’t call me baby, unless you mean it don’t tell me you need me, if you don’t believe it so let me know the truth, before i dive right into you

Aaron Hotchner sat alone on his couch with a glass of water lazily placed in his hand. The TV was on but he wasn’t really paying attention to it. In fact, he had no idea what was even going on.

Every time he tried to think of something else, or someone else, his mind would always end up coming back to you. Always.

He couldn’t decide if he liked that or not. He’s never really felt so consumed by someone else before. He’s never been in such awe. It’s like he’s in a trance.

But truth is, he’s scared. He’s afraid to get too attached. Not only is his feelings on the line, but so is Jack’s. He could handle rejection (maybe) but Jack? Jack loves you. You’re the closest thing to a female role model that Jack has and if you decide to leave? What will he do? How will he help Jack? Aaron knows you have this thing with Reid you have to sort out. He knows you’ve been avoiding him and he knows you plan to meet with him soon to discuss things.

He’s afraid that once you get there you’re going to realize that Spencer is the one for you. He’s afraid of what will happen if he has to let you go. He’s not going to beg you to stay, but he’s scared of losing you. He won’t say it, he won’t admit it, he’ll, he doesn’t even want to think about it, but he may be in love.

And there’s nothing he can do about it but sit here and convince himself not to drink.

There’s all these decisions to be made and he can’t make them. It’s all up to you. And while you make those decisions his heart is in your hands.

And that’s why he’s afraid.

“Yeah?” He picked up his phone as soon as it rang.

“New case. They need us.” It was JJ. It must’ve been important.

“I’ll be there soon.”

This is just what he needs. Work to distract him. Work is good at doing that. His only real concern was seeing Spencer. It wasn’t that noticeable, but there was definitely a small rift between them. They haven’t really talked about it, the situation, and they probably wouldn’t. Even when you’d choose.

“Why do you look like that?” Rossi asked Hotch.

“Like what?”

“Like a statue.”

Hotch didn’t reply. Everything was getting to his head. You two actually hadn’t talked in a few days too, and that was worrisome. It was only because you were getting situated in your new place, and he was trying to give you space but still he missed you.

Emily noticed something was wrong with Hotch too and that got Spencer’s attention.

“Girl problems?” Emily asked.

“You make it sound like highschool.” Hotch laughed.

They were all on the jet back home. Hotch and Emily sat together, Morgan and JJ, and Spencer sat alone.

“Everything is so mixed right now. I don’t really know what to do.” Hotch said, sort of confiding in Emily.

“Do you love her?”

Spencer was definitely listening in now. Hotch was silent for a minute. “I’m pretty sure I do.”

When they got home, Hotch put Jack to bed and went straight to bed. He was exhausted. He couldn’t stop wondering how all this would pan out. He never thought he’d be in this position. He wasn’t really in control...of anything. He hated that feeling. He was always in control. He always knows what’s going to happen. He doesn’t this time.

The next day he decides to go and see you. He missed you, and he really wanted to talk to you. After dropping Jack off he headed to your place. When you opened the door after he knocked three times he could tell you looked really frustrated. He looked down at your hands and noticed you trying to untangle your headphones.

“You need help?”

“Please.” you handed the headphones off to him, kissed him on the cheek, and went back to your kitchen to put the rest of your dishes away.

When he stepped into the apartment fully he noticed you added more decorations. It really made it homey and it was totally - you. He loved it. It only took him about a minute to untangle your headphones and when you noticed you were upset. Okay, not really but it took you an hour!

“Thank you.”

He smiled in response and pulled you in for a hug. Your arms wrapped around his neck and his around your waist. His head went to your neck and he kissed you lightly there. You ran your fingers through his hair and you guys just stayed like that for a moment. Even though neither of you were saying anything, you were saying everything. Between your breaths you were communicating. With every squeeze around your waist, tug on his hair, and light kisses, you were saying what you needed to say.

Aaron didn’t leave that day until around eight. You guys went to see a movie, it actually wasn’t bad in his opinion, ordered some takeout, and drove around for awhile just looking out at everything and enjoying each other’s presence. You didn’t really need much to be happy.

When Hotch went home that day he realized that whatever choice you made he’d be okay with. Even if it doesn’t work out, and he can’t be romantic with you, and it would be strictly platonic, he realized it’d be okay. He would be upset, sure, but he’d understand. With everything that has happened these past few weeks, he’s come to realize that you’re his best friend. You’ve always been there for him and if things don’t work out, he knows you’re still going to be there.

He cherishes your friendship. If he’s not the one for you, he still wants to be able to hang out with you like you’ve always done. Nothing really has to change. Everything would be okay.

—————————————-&————————————

idk why this took me so long but yeah - idk if i’m liking this. originally there wasn’t supposed to be a happy ending with spencer but i’m really trying for there to be one. i know you guys want one lol.

btw i love JJ. it seems like i don’t but i do. i don’t ship jeid though loll.

feedback always appreciated. thank you guys.

tag list: @hotchsbabygirl @thefemalestorywriter @sizzlingclamturtlesludge @mathchampagne @studywithrosie01 @reniescarlett @drreidsconverse @eveliiinnn27 @bweakmybonez @matthew-gray-g @pinkdiamond1016

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[robininthelabyrinth]

Tedious Joys - Chapter 4 -

- Ao3 link -

It had been an inauspicious year to begin with.

A poor harvest led to famine among the common people, which in turn created conditions ripe for evil creatures of all sorts; the night-hunts that were often treated as playful competition by the cultivation world became more like the boring drudgery of everyday work, disciples setting off in packs on a regular basis all over, time and time again. The tension wore on the sects, some more than others, and dozens of small disputes began to rise up, needing to be dealt with. Lan Qiren’s schedule became busy, and then busier, and then became overwhelming; he was forced to discard one pastime after another in his efforts to hold back the rising tide, and in the end sacrificed sleep and sometimes meals to preserve only two: playing for Jiwei and spending time with his nephews.

It meant that he was unprepared, both mentally and physically, for word of the death of Cangse Sanren and her husband, which took over two years to finally come to ears of the Great Sects – such a shocking failure of information that Lan Qiren briefly wondered if it had been concealed intentionally.

The sudden shock of grief hit him hard.

He tried to convince himself that he had expected it, that she had expected it, that at least her son was now safe in the Lotus Pier, and yet all he could think about was that he had one less friend in the world. The sadness interfered with his focus, creeping in at all hours, uncontrollable, until one evening he was playing guqin with his nephews and looked up to find them both weeping uncontrollably from the music he was playing. When he tried to stop mid-song, he abruptly collapsed, and upon waking was informed that he had become feverish at some point in the night.

His sect doctors advised him to go into seclusion until he could control himself.

Lan Qiren refused.

They advised him again, this time with greater insistence, and with the support of his sect elders.

“Tell them to fuck off,” Lao Nie suggested, pouring a calming tea that he’d brought from Qinghe.

He’d come to visit with his sons, Nie Mingjue disappearing with Lan Xichen as always and Nie Huaisang engaged in the newest stage in his eternal battle of wills with Lan Wangji over a game of weiqi that they were both taking far, far too seriously.

(Despite knowing Lan Wangji and indeed Nie Huaisang better than most people alive, Lan Qiren honestly could not determine whether the two of them despised each other or were close friends. Lao Nie claimed the answer was both, simultaneously, but Lan Qiren didn’t understand that at all.)

“That is not how we do things here,” Lan Qiren said, accepting a cup. It was rude for him to allow a fellow sect leader who was his guest to serve him, rather than the other way around, but he had a headache from the persistent fever and exhaustion that was even more persistent, the boundless river of grief in his heart translating into physical agony, and anyway Lao Nie hadn’t exactly asked permission before proceeding. “It would be more appropriate for me to present a well-reasoned case for it not being necessary, based on rules, authority, and precedent.”

“Except you can’t put one together because you’re upset and tired,” Lao Nie said with a snort. “That’s stupid. You’re overworked, stretched too thin, you just found out that your friend is dead – you need sleep, not seclusion. Anyway, what happens if you do go into seclusion? Aren’t they always saying they need you to stick around to be Sect Leader so desperately?”

Lan Qiren rubbed his eyes. “It would not be true seclusion. I would be expected to continue certain parts of the work.”

“You’re joking.”

“It would be primarily administrative correspondence –”

“By that token, your brother ought to do it!”

Lan Qiren glared. “It’s not the same and you know it. And they are not wrong that I need rest.”

“From what I recall of what you’ve told me about your sect’s practice of seclusion, that’s not rest,” Lao Nie said acidly. “Surely there’s something I can do to help. I could send over some of my disciples…”

“Excellent idea,” Lan Qiren said, rolling his eyes. “We can replace all those rumors that I’ve been secretly pining for years over my best female friend with ones regarding my best male friend.”

“It is a little ‘hero rushes to save the lady’, isn’t it?” Lao Nie said thoughtfully, shaking his head in amusement. “But seriously, I came here for a reason, and it’s not Jiwei or A-Jue or anything like that. You’re always trying to help me, Qiren. For once, let me help you.”

Lan Qiren would normally protest this – because Lao Nie had so done many things for him over the years that it was an incorrect statement, because he hated the helpless feeling of letting someone do things for him, because that wasn’t something sect leaders did for each other – but he was tired and he feared seclusion and sometimes he thought it might be nice to do one thing that could be considered a little reckless before he died.

“Very well,” he said, closing his eyes and drinking the tea. “Do as you like.”

That was a dangerous thing to say to someone like Lao Nie, who promptly pulled three dozen Nie sect disciples from out of nowhere and sent them scurrying around hunting down evil with the energetic enthusiasm of youth entrusted with gigantic sabers and the freedom to use them as they would, while he himself settled in very happily in Lan Qiren’s home, sleeping on a guest bed, keeping away unwanted visitors and helping with any paperwork that didn’t explicitly require a Lan. He also recruited Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen to assist, despite Lan Qiren’s protests that bureaucratic busywork was not an appropriate way for boys of approximately fifteen and definitely twelve, respectively, to spend their time; both of them very solemnly assured Lan Qiren that they were more than happy to do whatever they could.

Even little Lan Wangji and Nie Huaisang bullied their way into being involved, insisting that they wanted to do it more than they wanted to train or play, although at their ages there really wasn’t much they could do besides grind ink and run messages to the relevant recipients.

As Lan Qiren might have expected, rumors immediately started about some sort of torrid affair – life would be so much easier if everyone obeyed the rules against gossiping purposelessly – and they even got to the point that several of the sect elders cautiously hinted to him that although cutsleeve relationships were far from being in vogue, they had at no point been explicitly forbidden by the rules, and cited several provisions which seemed to favor such things.

Lan Qiren had thanked them for the reminder and caustically commented that he would be sure to incorporate that into his next set of lectures as he could see no other reason for them to mention it, and soon enough they backed off, shaking their heads. Still, those busybodies that had his best interests in mind were still preferable to the ones that started once more raising the idea of finding him a nice bride of suitable age – by suitable age, they meant too old for children, lest he get any idea of challenging his brother’s line of descent – before he did anything foolish like fall in love, or, worse, to act on it.

Obviously he had no intentions of permitting that.

Still, after a month of enforced rest, Lan Qiren was feeling a bit more himself. He took on more and more of the work, albeit supervised by five sets of judging eyes, and even began to play once more, this time without bringing anyone to tears. Jiwei and Xinfei rested together by the door in comfortable equilibrium, hot and cold, weak and powerful, and the jade pendant that Lan Qiren carried with him remained cool to the touch, not hot at all.

“You will need to go soon,” he told Lao Nie, who shrugged, not denying it – a month was a long time for a sect leader to be away from home absent some valid excuse like a war, not quite too long but starting to push it. No matter how effective one’s deputies were nor how much work one did from a distance, a sect leader was still necessary, in the end, or else Lan Qiren’s life would have been very different.

“Next week,” he said. “That’ll give me just enough time to take the boys home before heading back out again for the conference in Qishan.”

“There’s a conference? I wasn’t informed.”

“No, you weren’t, because I didn’t inform you,” Lao Nie said, utterly shameless. “You’re going to stay here and rest. It’s just a stupid party.”

“That doesn’t matter if it is also a stupid party which everyone else is attending,” Lan Qiren said sternly.

“Jiang Fengmian isn’t going, either,” Lao Nie said. “Doesn’t want to leave his new ward alone just yet…newest rumor has it that Wei Wuxian’s his bastard with Cangse Sanren.”

Lan Qiren shut his eyes. “Of course. Wasn’t I the one having the affair with her last week?”

“Perhaps it was a love triangle?”

“A square, at minimum. Don’t forget she had a husband.”

“A pyramid!”

“Lao Nie…”

Lao Nie laughed. “Jin Guangshan isn’t making it, either. His wife’s giving birth – predictions say to a daughter, I think, assuming this one survives the birth – and all accounts say that she’s threatened to cut his balls off if he even thinks of leaving Lanling City. So, you see, it really is just a stupid party, and by missing it you’ll be doing just the same thing as all the other Great Sects.”

Lan Qiren felt a sudden stab of misgiving. “Except you.”

“Except me,” Lao Nie said cheerfully. “Me and Hanhan.”

Lan Qiren truly did not want to know what went on in Lao Nie’s mind sometimes.

“Why don’t you refrain from going as well?” he asked, aware he sounded tetchy and irritable like some jealous wife in an opera. “If no one else is going.”

“Oh, I have to go. A-Han asked for me specifically,” Lao Nie said, and Lan Qiren thought to himself oh I’m certain he did, then promptly felt bad about doing so. Sneering for no reason was prohibited. “Someone’s gifted him with some magnificent saber for his collection, apparently, and he was boasting that it was the best there was right up until someone stuck their nose in it and said that it was all well and good but no comparison to my Jiwei.”

Lan Qiren could imagine exactly how well a statement like that had gone over with Wen Ruohan.

“And now he’s demanding you show up and produce evidence?” he asked, unimpressed.

Lao Nie grinned. “Ah, Qiren, it’s almost like you’ve met the man before.”

“You shouldn’t encourage him,” Lan Qiren said. “Why should you go just because he asked? He’s your equal, not your master.”

“There’s no harm in giving him some face.”

Lan Qiren could think of several ways that it could lead to harm, the inflation of Wen Ruohan’s already bloated ego being not the least of them, but Lao Nie was his equal as well, his equal and his elder. If the man had made up his mind, as it clearly appeared that he had, there was nothing Lan Qiren could say that would change it.

“Good luck, then,” he said, shaking his head, and called the boys to come in for dinner. As usual, the Lan half of the table remained mute while the Nie half did nothing but chatter, each according to their own family custom. It was a test of wills and endurance – Lan Wangji’s eye kept twitching every time Nie Huaisang filled in words for him, possibly due to the extremely high pitch Nie Huaisang chose to represent him – but it was a joy to share the time with them nonetheless.

Before Lao Nie left, Lan Qiren tried, not for the first time, to press the jade pendant that resonated with Jiwei into his hand. “You should take it with you,” he insisted. “Especially if you’re going to the Nightless City to exhibit your saber – there’s a great deal of resentful energy there, and you know that always gets Jiwei’s bloodlust up.”

“Which in turn will sharpen my reflexes, just when I need them most,” Lao Nie said, pressing the jade pendant right back into Lan Qiren’s hand. “Better you have it.”

“Lao Nie…”

“Jiwei likes you now,” Lao Nie said, as if that mattered. “She’s been just as avid to protect you as I’ve been, this past month – if I didn’t need her by my side, I’d almost be tempted to leave her here with you.”

Lan Qiren arched his eyebrows. “Are you suggesting that I can’t protect myself? Here? In the Cloud Recesses?”

“Saber spirits are not smart, Qiren. But even she can tell that you’re not well yet.”

Lan Qiren waved a hand dismissively. “Well enough,” he said, and it was even true – the grief was still there, of course, and likely would be every time he thought of Cangse Sanren in the near future, excluding maybe the few times when it was one of his students that resembled her only in terms of how much mischief she would get up to, but it was no longer drowning him. He had hope that, in time, this wound would also scab over and the hurt fade, and that at that time he could once again think of her with nothing but joy.

Lao Nie huffed. “Well enough isn’t well,” he grumbled, but that didn’t stop him from gathering his children and his disciples and heading out back towards Qinghe. “Take care of yourself, Qiren! Be well!”

“And you,” Lan Qiren said. “Keep out of trouble, my friend.”

From what he later heard, the party at the Nightless City went about as anyone with half a brain might have expected: Wen Ruohan swanned around until Lao Nie showed up, there were tense words exchanged, and then Lao Nie produced Jiwei, allowing Wen Ruohan to examine her and even pat her a few times before the Wen sect leader was forced, with great reluctance and through gritted teeth, to admit her superiority to the saber he had received.

The stories ended there, but Lan Qiren had enough imagination to fill in how the rest of the night might have gone, especially with the only sect leaders there being Lao Nie and Wen Ruohan. He sincerely hoped that Lao Nie had remembered all those lectures he’d given him about the foolishness of lying in the same bed as poisonous snakes, no matter how beautiful they might be on the surface.

Perhaps he had, perhaps he hadn’t.

Either way, Lan Qiren heard nothing else until the day he interrupted his own afternoon lecture with a sudden cry of intense pain – the jade pendant had abruptly gone so hot that it had burned, and although his clothing, protected by stitched-in incantations, was unharmed, the heat was so severe that it had nevertheless left a mark on his thigh through all those layers.

Clutching at his leg, Lan Qiren ordered his students to run to fetch him cold water and a doctor, and wondered what in the world had happened.

A letter, he decided. He would write Lao Nie a letter to ask.

[onlymexsarah]

Imperfections (R.L)

Remus Lupin x UW!Reader (Under weight)

I read a lot of imagines with plus size readers, and i think it's something beautiful, but instead I've never read about a under weight reader, insecure of herself and her body, so here I am, with a Remus Lupin ready to cheer you up.

Prompts: “I wish you could see yourself with my eyes. So you would understand that I’m in love with you, all of you.”

Gif is mine🍃

P.s.: English is not my first language, please if you notice some mistakes let me now🥰

Also, I’m not used to write one-shots, I’m writing a book rn, this is a new experience, but I hope you like it🥺

Transfiguration, you had to study for your Transfiguration lesson. You couldn't let McGonagall find you unprepared, so you would stay in the library one more hour while your schoolmates eat their lunch, beside you weren't hungry at all.

"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Asked your boyfriend standing up and looking you with hopeful eyes. Remus Lupin was the best boyfriend someone could ask for; he was clever, funny, cute and with always something to comfort you in your bad days. You haven't exactly his mind, due the fact that you always forget something about homework, lessons or Prefect's meetings; and didn't care how much time you forgot things, he would always reminder you them.

"Don't worry Rems, I'll catch you up later. Just need one more minute." You said smiling standing up to give him a soft kiss on his lips. True must be told, he didn't know that you forgot sometime to eat too, but it wasn't a big deal for you, it was a normal routine not eating to save time for studying or sleeping.

"I'll see you there, love." He smiled giving you a kiss more intense than the first one, and then you were alone looking the book in front of you studying until the last line.

An hour passed before you brought yourself in the Great Hall ready to eat. You saw Remus in the corner of your eyes waiting for you with the Marauders, but that day you weren't so hungry, and you knew that Remus would be worried for you, so you decide to sit with your housemate instead to not let Remus see your almost empty plate.

The chicken was delicious, you wanted so badly to eat more about it, but you were done with one piece, so you stand up ready to go towards your boyfriend. You didn't know what you must had done to deserve him in your life, to deserve his love. Not only he was the perfect gentleman, but he was extremely attractive, and all the girls in the school knew you picked the perfect mix that someone could find in a boy.

"You alright? You didn't seat with us." Remus whispered to you when you reached each other out of the Great Hall.

"Yes, don't worry. I had to tell Snape a thing about Potion. We are partners now." You rolled your eyes thinking about Slughorn and his idea to put you with Snape instead with Remus. 

You wanted nothing more than cuddle in Remus’ arms, those arms that made you feel protected, loved and safe. You wanted to lay with him, kiss his scars and telling him how beautiful he was, you wanted to make him see himself in the same way you saw him, because you knew how it felt avoiding the mirrors afraid of what you might see, or looking your body and see nothing else but imperfections. 

So now you two were on his bed, your face on his torso with his arm around you and the other hand in your hairs, listening his heartbeat like you would listen your favourite song. The other three Marauders left you alone, going around the school pranking people, and you were fine with it as long as you two had time for yourselves. 

“How about Christmas’ holiday? My mum are cooking turkey, with her special recipe.” said Remus looking the ceiling of his canopied roof.

“I’m not going to meet your parents. Not yet, I promised my father I will be with him this Christmas.” you tried to sound convincing, but the idea of meeting Mr and Mrs Lupin terrifided you. Not because you were afraid of them, but you were scared of the idea about them thinking you were not enough for their son.

“Why not?! My mum can’t wait to cry with you during one of your favourite films!” he said laughing. 

You looked the boy under you astonished. “You-you told your mum that? Remus Lupin I’m going to kill you!”

You started to tickle him under his armpits, making him wriggling under you. You were sure that the boys in the next dorms could hear you two laugh, but you didn’t care because seeing Remus laughing was the best thing you’ve ever seen in your life. 

You got distracted for a second, a tiny little second that Remus took as an opportunity, so he reversed your positions, finding yourself between the bed and him. With his hands he grabbed your wrists pulling them on the pillow still laughing. 

“You have nothing to worry about, love.” he whispered before kissing you. You smiled in the kiss, feeling the butterflies in your stomach as you were used with him. He interview your right hand with his, letting go the other that you brough in his hairs keeping him close to you. 

Your hands seemed to be made to fit together, his big one was holding your petite one still on the pillow while the kiss got more intense. With his free hand started caressing your hips, gently as a true gentleman, but it was enough to make you lose your mind. You wanted to go on, you wanted him badly, but when his hand fell on your hip bone, you froze. He was leaving little kiss on your neck, thing that would make you crazy few moments ago, but now the only thing you could focus on was his hand touching one of the part of your body where the bones could be feel more. You blocked him, almost brutally, shifting away from under his weight and putting your shoes on ready to go away. 

“Y/N what happened? Did I do something...?” he asked afraid to have done something wrong toward her, feeling his ears burn. 

“No, no. You didn’t do anything wrong.” you said trying to not let your voice break. “I’ve just remebered I have an essay for tomorrow.”

You ran out of his common room, without looking the Marauders that teased you about your time alone with Remus, and when you were alone in the hallway you stopped sitting on the stones floor. Why you had to be so stupid? You were almost there, you were almost done with your insecurities, and it was enough a touch on your hips to make you panicking. You knew that Remus loved you because your intelligence, behaviour and other things you still had to find out, but you also knew that once he will see your body, he will understand that he could have someone better. Someone who is not you. 

You seemed a child, and you still acted in that way the days later, when you avoided him in all ways. You sit at your table with your fellows, sitting with your friends (who were not the Marauders) during lessons and sneaking away before he could pull all his things in his bag. 

Were you on the wrong side? Yes. Were you a coward? Also yes. Could you stop it? No. Your body was the problem that you had since years, and it wasn’t Remus’ fault if he didn’t know nothing, you just didn’t open up with him yet.

So now you were in the Owlery, cuddling your and Remus’ owls like you were used to do every week. You heard a noise in the stairs, but it could be some student you thought, so you kept feeding Remus’ owl.

“So you’re alive!” you froze without glacing back at the boy. “Hardly to tell since we haven’t see you for days.” James Potter could be the funniest guy  of the school, but if you hurt his friends he would make sure that you pay for it, and so you didn’t know what to do; never James had spoken to you with such venom in his voice. 

“Now you see me.” you walked toward the door ready to go away from him, but he stopped you with his voice.

“You know, I told him so!” you looked him confused. “I told him to break up with you a week ago, and you know what he said? He agreed with me.” your eyes bacame wet, trying to not cry in front of him as a child. “He wants to start a new chapter of his life, but he can’t do it if you two don’t break up. Take a move, alright? I don’t want to see him with someone like you. Someone who clearly doesn’t care about him. Who-”

“Prongs! What is happeing here?” Sirius arrived with Peter interrupting James who was burning you with his eyes, if his voice wasn’t already enough.

“Y/N are you fine?” asked Peter worried to see you like that for the first time. You were the stronger one, the girl who never cry, but in front of him, right now, there was a girl...broken.

“Yes, she’s fine. We had just had a talk, she was leaving.” said James without looking away from you. It was clear that he didn’t want to see you again, and you didn’t dare to look at Sirius because you were sure that you would finde the same look in his eyes. Instead you gave a weak smile to Peter, the only one who seemed worried for you, and then you leave wiping away the few tears that fell on your cheeks.

“What the hell is wrong with you?! Remus would never dream to leave her, and surely you would never say something like that to him! You care too much about her too to hate her.” Sirius said angrily to his mate while the curly boy was sending a owl that Peter guessed was for Lily.

“We know her, it was the only way to make Y/N take a move. I bet that she is going to speak with Remus right now.” he smirked pleased with himself.

“I can’t decide if you are extremely stupid or a genius.” said Peter running a hand through his hair. 

“We’ll see, Peter, we’ll see.” 

***

James was right, you wanted to speak with Remus, if it was true that he wanted to break up, then you would give him the opportunity, even if the thought broke your heart. When you passed in front of the Great Hall you stopped confused seeing everyone inside, and looking your wrist watch you saw that it was dinner time. This meant that the Astronomy Tower was free, so you walked toward it forgetting about the dinner and hoping that you could spend a night alone with the stars. 

You were sit with your back leaning against the wall, looking the sky, when the door opened and Remus were relief to see you there. “Knew you weere here.” You glaced at him quickly, surprised to hear his voice as soft as you remembered. Wasn’t he angry with you? So why he was there, with a plate full of food in front of you with his kind smile. “I saw you didn’t eat anything tonight, so I brought you something.” he rubbed his neck with his free hand turning in a soft shape of pink that you couldn’t notice due the weak light of the moon. 

“Yeah, I’m not really hungry. But...thanks.” you gave him a soft smile moving uncomfortable in your position. Should you start to speak? Should you wait him to take the first move? You were on the wrong side, you had to speak first, so when he sat beside you shyly, you took a deep breath. “I know why you’re here...and I’m really sorry.” your voice cracked and you looked away. “I’m so sorry, Remus. H-he told me you were thinking about that since a week and it’s fine...” no it wasn’t. “I understand why you want to break up with me. I’m just sorry for how I was toward you these days, I wasn’t angry with you, I swear...” You wiped away the tears with your hands trying to compose yourself. You were not going to cry in front of him, you had no right to cry.

“WHAT? Who told you- Me breaking with- what are you talking about?” he asked astonished looking your confused face.

“James told me you are thinking about breaking up with me since a week...” you said uncertain. 

“Such a dickhead! I can’t believe he told you so, he saw me crying thinking about that YOU wanted breaking up with me!” he moved his hands in the air and you looked him astonished. He hadn’t realized what he said until his eyes met yours. “Well, I wasn’t literally crying... just you know, the full moon is in three days and I get a bit too emotional.” you looked him amused while he tried to find an excuse making you laugh. “it could have been few drops of water, it was hot so I was sweating too.” 

“Oh yeah sure. Few drops of water, yes.” you giggled looking him finding his beautiful smile while his eyes were on you. You had to tell him, you own him. “I have to tell you something, I know I have been awfull toward you, and it’s not your fault. Blimey Remus, I could never think a life without you, not say breaking up with you.”

He left a breath of reliefe keeping listening you carefully. “That night...did I put pressure on you? You didn’t want to...” he blushed without finishing his sentece.

“No, no, no. I want you! I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud, but you have no idea about the thoughts that I have when we are together.” You looked away shyly; taking a deep breath you stood up torturing your hands. “I don’t eat, and it took me to be under weight. The healers say I have to do more meals during the day but I can’t! I-”

He stood up, getting closer to you and wiping away the tears that were falling from your eyes. He wanted hug you so much, but he knew he had to leave you let out everything you kept for yourself for years.

“You know how forgetful I am, and with all the things that happen in a day I forget that I must eat, beacuse I’m never so hungry to notice it. This is why sometime I didn’t sit with you, because I didn’t want to let you see how little I ate...” you were looking down, ashamed by how you were.

He took your hands in his owns. “I know.”

Your eyes shifted on his face suddenly confused, did he know? “What?”

“Honestly, what kind of boyfriend i would be if I don’t notice that my girlfriend eats less than everyone else, or that she doesn’t eat at all? I kinda know how to recognize when someone has a secret.” he shrugged innocently. “But I’ve never said anything because I know you, and I know that you would tell me when you would be ready. I still don’t get the problem, though...”

How he could not see the problem?  “The problem is, that everyone think if you are thin then you have a perfect body. Well it’s not! I have not a perfect body, actually I hate it! With all the clotes on it seem that my body is ‘normal’ for the standard of the people, but without them...” you felt a strange anger inside you, anger toward the people that never cared about your feeling just because you were ‘thin’, without thinking that you could have not like your body. “Without them it’s full of imperfection! But of course, I’m thin so I must be happy, right? I am not, because be thin is not cool. People think that when you are thin you have no problems, I don’t know the others, but surely not when you are as thin as me.” 

You had walked away from him, too angry to stay still, and now you were taking deep breaths trying to calm down. Remus came in front of you slowly, understanding your all point. “Are you really talking abour imperfection with someone who has scars on all his body?” 

“You know that I love your scars.” you rolled your eyes looking everyshere but him and wiping away the last tears.

“And I love you. Again, I don’t see the problem.” his smile made you ask if you spoke english or not, the problem was evident.

“You are used to see me like that; clotes, make up, with my awesome personality and intelligence.” you joked a little. “But I don’t know if you will still love me if I show you everything. I mean, I don’t love me too, so why should you do it?” 

He felt sad suddenly, it hurted him see you like that; see you full of insecurities like him. For him, you were the most beautiful girl in the world, didn’t matter how much imperfections you had. “ I wish you could see yourself with my eyes. So you would understand that I’m in love with you, all of you. I don’t care about some imperfections, those are the things that make me understamd how much you are perfect to me.” 

“I love you too.” You whispered back, without knowing what to say. 

He kissed you softly, caressing your cheek with one hand and wrapping the other around you. You brought your hands behind his neck smiling, you have been such a idiot, avoiding him for days have been the most difficult thing to do; you needed him like the air. “And then, I’m curious about those thounghts of yours.”

He joked keeping his forehead resting on yours, and you blushed a little. “Sure, but now I’m hungry.” you took his tie pulling him down again to kiss him, knowing that he will always love you as you are. 

[olderthanthemorning]

Be My Mistake (Draco Malfoy)

pairing: Draco Malfoy x Reader, ex!George Weasley x Reader

summary: trying to get over someone by getting under someone else doesn’t work out as well as everyone claims (based on the song “be my mistake” by the 1975)

wc: 2.4K

warnings: angst, some steamy scenes but no smut

a/n: hello! this is my first imagine and first time i’ve written anything for fun in actual years! i’d love feedback!

****

Be my mistake Then turn out the light She bought me those jeans The ones you like

You fell next to me, still breathing heavily, and I rolled over onto my side, staring at the jeans that were thrown haphazardly across the room before we climbed into my bed. They were worn and hugged me in a number of places, all of which were right, according to you. In the moments after you said this, I couldn't think of a witty response, because your attention only reminded me where the pants came from. How I pulled them out of the gift bag and shrieked, and looked at him, who knew I had been eyeing them for weeks now at the local vintage store. I remember throwing my entire body onto his, trying to encompass all of my love and appreciation into one embrace, and the small laugh he let out. He wrapped his arms around my waist, where your hands had been moments ago. It didn't feel the same, though. You both have large hands, but his are rough and calloused contrasted by the warmth they always seemed to possess. Yours are smooth and gentle, but still obviously in control. Pale and slender, they're like icicles at times, but I don't mind, I'm thankful for the differences on nights like this one. Your soft snores bring me back to the present, and I turn back to see your eyes closed, so softly that it looks like you could open them at any moment. Your lips are parted slightly, your bare chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm, a time signature to dance to. I take in the sight for a few seconds before turning again, my back to you as I strain to reach the small lamp and turn off the light. As I close my eyes, I wonder if tomorrow will be the day I wake up and find enough fulfillment in your hands to forget his.

I don't want a hug I just wanna sleep The smell of your hair Reminds me of her feet

I remember starting to cry as your lips moved with mine. It was silent, but unable to ignore. Bitterness and salty tears entered my mouth and ruined the moment. I remember feeling pathetic as you pulled away and open your eyes in concern, I mean who cries during a hook up? You kept asking me if I was okay and what was going on. I just want to keep going, I wanted your touch engulfing me so I couldn't think of anything else. I want to feel you and no one else. If it had been any other time I probably would've noticed the uncharacteristic softness in your tone as you tell me I can stay with you that night. I could tell you're trying to find a way to ask what was wrong, why I'm so upset, but I'm not interested in having a heart to heart with the boy I was sleeping with about the boy I was in love with, and how they weren't the same person, so I ignore your obvious curiosity. All I want is to sleep, and you're more than content to agree, preparing the blankets. You offer me one of your shirts to sleep in, but I shake my head and decide to just use mine. After a few minutes of silence, I lay down and think about how your bed is colder than I recall. You pull me into your chest, close enough that I could feel your breath, and smell your scent. Most of our encounters had smelled like sweat, sex, and desperation. But tonight you smell like rain and mint, and there was a musky wood smell left over from your conditioner. It brought me back to the summers with George. Running through the grass after a rain, our feet stomping through puddles that exploded and coated our legs in water and bits of mud. Trying to beat each other to the bottom of a hill, only to slip on the slick ground, tackling the other on the way down. His mother would scold us for tracking mud in the house, but would wrap us in towels and blankets and hand us cups of hot tea nevertheless. He would wrap his long arms around my shoulders for warmth and place his head on top of mine, humming a nameless melody. He whispers "I love you," but it's almost as if it's not to me. He speaks it to the room around us, as a quiet declaration. A way to let the place he loved, the place he grew up in, know how he felt. I feel more hot tears fall from my closed eyes onto your pillow and feel myself slip into sleep. The last thing I remember is your thumb wiping away the wetness on my cheek. It was slow but assured, like you had been practicing the motion for months.

So don't wait outside my hotel room Just wait 'til I give you a sign 'Cause I get lonesome sometimesSave all the jokes you're gonna make While I see how much drink I can take Then be my mistake

The portraits in the corridor are all sleeping as I slink back towards my common room. I can tell I've had about half a drink too many as I stare at the ground and try to feel like the hallway was moving sideways. The party in the Ravenclaw tower had been a good one, aside from the slightly pretentious music playing. I make a note to tell my roommate that the cute boy from your herbology class had asked about her again. A curse escapes my lips as I trip over my own feet and catch myself in time to look up and see you leaned against the wall next to the portrait entrance. "New day with the new legs, huh?" a knowing smirk creeps across your face and I roll my eyes. "Verrrrry funny, Draco. You been waiting here all night?" I approach him and link my hands together behind his neck, pulling him closer to whisper in his ear, "I can sneak you upstairs if you want." You frown, becoming aware of the alcohol on my breath and sigh, "No, I actually think you should go up to bed. I'll talk to you in the morning."

"You're no fun," the skin on your neck is sweet and tender and I start to pepper it with kisses, trying to convince you to stay, "come on, I know you want to."

"No, you're drunk," you lift my arms and duck under the hold I have you in.

"Then why are you even here?" I can feel a spark of agitation growing in my chest, fueled by the heat left behind by the alcohol. "If you didn't come here to for that then why did you come at all?"

"I came here to talk, y/n, I didn't think you would be wasted." You scoffed and looked away, you thought after all the nights together, it wasn't a surprise you wanted to see me again.

"Please, that's not what this is. It's just sex. You know that." I turned away in annoyance, looking around to focus on anything but your eyes burning into my back.

"You cried to me and you sleep in my bed, I'm sorry if I thought that meant it was maybe more than sex!" I can hear the frustration in your voice.

I whipped around, "well it's not! it's just fucking. I told you that from the beginning. I don't know why you're getting attached, you're not my bloody boyfriend!" On the last word I push you, huffing in anger, pieces of my hair dangling in front of my face.

You back up, mostly out of shock, as my push couldn't actually throw your large frame off balance. There's a glimmer of hurt in your eyes, but mostly it's a look of defeat as you just say, "clearly," pressing your lips into a thin line and spinning to walk away down the dimly lit hall.

"That was brutal," a portrait of an older man holding a french horn said looking at me.

"Fuck off," I say before turning to say the password and enter the common room.

I shouldn't have called 'Cause we shouldn't speak You do make me hard But she makes me weak

A week later you're in my room again, loosening your tie and slipping your hands under my sweater. Neither of us had said anything about the argument, but what we were doing didn't require talking, so it wasn't brought up. Your lips are on mine, full of longing and lust, frantic to continue. Our tongues fought for dominance as I fell backwards onto my bed, you fell on top of me, your firm body flush on mine. It's hungry, like we are both searching for something in each others' lips. You taste like spearmint and cigarettes and kind of like darkness, like kissing cold shadows. It was a refreshing vapor that left wherever you touched tingling. It was like the reality of a cloud, misty yet powerful. It wasn't like kissing George. Kissing George was like that feeling of waking up for a split second in the morning and being able to close your eyes again and be reemerged in the amazing dream you were having. It was relieving. It made me think about the song that goes "I'll stop the world and melt with you," because that's what it was like. I was completely at his disposal, vulnerable and open, but so was he. He tasted like honey and citrus, which reminded me of warm summer days. The kisses were often broken up by laughs as we stumbled around whatever room or corner we were in, George usually hitting his head on something, and me kissing it better as he buried his face in my neck, covering it and my shoulder in smaller kisses.

You bite my lip and I moan, remembering who I'm with. Opening my eyes, I can't help but feel a small drop in my stomach, like something was lost. I try to focus on the feeling of your hands on me, needy but confident, but I can't push the feeling completely away. It sits near me on the bed side table, not interfering, but waiting, watching, knowing that it'll have my attention once you and I are finished.

And don't wait outside my hotel room Just wait 'til I give you a sign 'Cause I get lonesome sometimes Save all the jokes you're gonna make

While I see how much drink I can take Then be my mistake

On my way to my table for breakfast, I make a deliberate detour to the Slytherin table. The usual gang surrounds you as you laugh at their jokes between sips of juice. Your smile is casual, and you look happy. You always look more beautiful when you look happy. I barely have to stop as I lean down and whisper in your ear, "meet me outside my common room during free period." By the time you turn to look at me, I've continued walking to my table. In the past, most of our interactions happened after nightfall, but I was feeling different today, confident almost. If Pansy didn't like me talking to you, she could bring it up with me, herself.

The first two classes of the day tick by at an agonizing pace. It felt like every fifteen minutes I would check the clock only to see that it had been two. Thankfully, the period had ended and I headed towards the familiar path to the common room. It had been a dull lesson, the continuation of the previous day's lecture on the various types of confundus charms, and how to know which to use depending on the size of the recipient, and how many fingers they had. I think if I had to lose a finger I'd choose my right ring finger, because it wouldn't hinder my ability to make pinky promises or make rude gestures. I know you wouldn't choose that one, though, because that's the finger that you wear your favorite ring on. The silver should make you're skin look even paler but the jewelry just extenuates the divots and curves of your slender fingers. I can't help but notice this is the first time I've ever been able to think about that ring without rolling my eyes.

The corridor outside my common room was pretty empty, seeing as most students were in class. There is no sign of you yet so I decide to sit on the floor and wait. I wonder if you've been having as much trouble in potions as I have. Probably not, you were always so clever in that class, maybe you could help me study. Imagining a nook in the library with a table that is ever-slightly too small for all of our things. Our elbows would touch and we would look up at each other and giggle, but other than that it would be silent. Yes, that would be nice. Another few minutes pass by and I can feel myself begin to grow impatient. Surely you can't still be kissing a teacher's ass? A voice starts coming from around the corner and my head lifts in time to see two fifth year boys walk past, one giving a detailed run down of the most recent quidditch game. I pull a book out of my bag and flip through the pages of muggle poems from my muggle studies class. Stopping every few pages, I find myself enjoying many of them. They are short and concise. I can appreciate their ability to say such grand declarations in so few words. Even the words themselves are mischievous, alone they mean nothing, scenarios of everyday life. However, in context, they dance with others to create metaphors. It was almost how wizard photos would capture a movement, a specific moment, rather than just an image. I come across a single sentence that reads, "If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more." At first it means nothing. In fact, it takes an entire minute for my mind to drift back to George. I'm almost proud that it takes so long, because I know a few weeks ago my mind would've been occupied before I even read the statement. The time on my watch tells me it has now been an hour since I expected to see you leaning against the very wall my back pressed against now. For a second time I come to a thought that I probably should have come to sooner. You're not coming.