#so . that all said i hope it makes sense and feels play-able to y'all !!

[xiaojuun]

kpoppies, let your mutuals and followers tell you their assumptions ... bias edition ! come to my ask box with any of the following (or any other bias/wrecker assumptions you have) and give me a chance to confirm or deny :

✧ tell me what idol(s) it seems like i'm obsessed with / definitely not normal about ✧ tell me what idol(s) you associate with me ✧ tell me what idol(s) you would not expect me to bias that i do ✧ tell me what you think my bias "type" is and / or what does it say about me

[hollywoodxwhore]

Mine | Chapter One

Colson x Original Female Character

A new series for y'all because this man has me on my kneeeeees. No idea how many parts it's going to be.

Synopsis: Presley may look sinful on the outside, but deep down, she's innocent, guarded, and terrified of intimacy. Colson, on the other hand, is living up to his womanizer reputation as a way to cope with heartbreak. When his new guitarist invites his twin sister to join them on tour, Colson discovers that he's actually capable of feeling. Will Presley and Colson be able to push past all of the barriers trying to prevent them from happening?

Chapter One Warnings/Content: swearing, a little bit of smut, col being a cocky fucker

Hope y'all enjoy! I've had so much fun writing this.

Presley

I have a confession to make. 

I was a Machine Gun Kelly hater back in the day. 

It’s true. I believed everything the media said, and why would I have challenged it? From what I knew, his music sucked. He was a total asshole. He was a womanizer. He was a poser who switched genres.

Looking back, I’m ashamed of myself for being a follower. I wasted a lot of time judging someone I didn’t know. 

I would probably still be a hater if it wasn’t for my twin brother, Cash. 

Cash and I were raised by music-loving parents (if you couldn’t tell by our names). We grew up playing instruments and going to shows. Cash and I got our first tattoos on our 16th birthday, and by the time we were 19, I already had a full sleeve and Cash had a neck tat. We’ve continued to collect ink ever since, and now that we’re 23, we’re both pretty covered. 

We have an impressive collection of piercings, too. We both have our nostrils pierced, though he wears two rings and I wear a stud because of my septum piercing. Cash’s lip is pierced and both of our ears are full of piercings. I have my belly button and nipples. It’s been fun growing up with such accepting parents. 

We’ve both spent lots of time pursuing art in some way or another. I play guitar and sing in a few local bands, but it’s nothing serious. I prefer body art, and that’s why I’m a piercer. I pierce at a tattoo shop in the city and make bank. People in this hipster city love their piercings. 

Cash and I are best friends. We run in the same friend group and spend a lot of time together. We had our rows as kids, but we’ve always gotten along and been super close. So when he got the opportunity of a lifetime, I was hugely supportive, even though it broke me knowing I wouldn’t be able to see him every day anymore. 

About six months ago, someone reached out to Cash through his Instagram. He has tons of followers and he’s a super talented guitarist. The guy who messaged Cash happened to be none other than Machine Gun Kelly himself. He wanted Cash to be a part of their band and tour with them. 

We were sure it was a hoax, even though it was his official account messaging Cash. We thought it was too good to be true until Colson — MGK’s real name, by the way — passed Cash’s number to his management, and the very next day, Cash had a Zoom meeting set up to meet with Colson and management.

Cash was so serious about it that he wouldn’t let me sit in on the meeting, no matter how silent I promised to be and no matter how many times I assured him that I wouldn’t be on camera. I had to settle for listening through the door. I couldn’t hear much, but I knew it was a positive meeting. 

13 days later, Cash packed his stuff and flew to LA to meet up with the band. The band itself is called Machine Gun Kelly, even though the lead singer/rapper goes by that name. It doesn’t make much sense to me, but whatever. 

As soon as Cash was gone and I found myself lonely as hell, I decided to check out MGK’s music. The longer I sat and listened, the more pissed off I became with myself for having deprived myself of such good music for so long. I started with Tickets to My Downfall and then got hooked on Hotel Diablo. I ventured to Bloom, Lace Up, General Admission, and then onto songs you could only find on YouTube. 

Bottom line: I was obsessed. 

Well, let’s not get dramatic. I fell in love with the music and developed a crush on the very man I’d hated just a month before. And I felt like an asshole for it. I still do. 

I miss Cash a ton. But his life is amazing now. He’s traveling with a hugely famous band, gaining followers every single show, and better yet, he gets along with the guys great. There’s Colson, of course, and then Rook, the drummer. Baze plays the bass and Slim does a lot of keyboard and sound stuff. Justin plays guitar alongside Cash, and Colson plays, too. They party a ton, but they also go out to eat, take trips together, and hang out constantly. I’ve never heard Cash so happy when we talk on the phone. 

I’ve had a shitty day. Clients were dicks, especially the guy who wanted a Prince Albert and got a little excited during the piercing process. If that wasn’t bad enough, he hit on me before one of my tattoo artists came in and dragged him out of the shop. The encounter left me feeling shaky, and by the time I get into my apartment, my hands are a trembling mess. 

I sigh and toss my keys into their designated bowl, then kick off my Doc Martens, trudging to the kitchen. I grab a Mountain Dew from the fridge and find my weed pen on the counter, taking a long pull until I cough out a huge puff. I’ll feel better very soon. 

After changing into comfortable clothes and washing off my makeup, my black hair tossed into a bun, I curl up on the couch with a stupid scary movie. Almost immediately, my phone lights up with a FaceTime from Cash.

I answer the call and there’s his grinning face. I don’t think we look much alike. I have my mom’s raven hair and he has our dad’s blonde curls that he wears long on top and short on the sides and in back. My jade green eyes are the opposite of his chocolaty brown ones, so dark they’re almost black. We do have the same dimples, though.

“Hey, Cash,” I greet.

“Pres!” He says happily, and I can’t help but smile. “You good, sis?”

I shrug, smiling weakly. “Rough day at work.”

Normally he’d ask, but he’s clearly not calling to chat. He has news. I can see the excitement all over his face. “Fuck that,” he says. “Can you take some time off?”

My brow arches. “For what?”

“I want you to come visit!” He says. “Ride on the tour bus with us. Come to a few shows. I miss you and everyone wants to meet you.”

My stomach flips. “Wait, seriously?” I ask warily. “The band and management are okay with this?”

“Kells suggested it!” Cash replies, eyes wide with joy. Kells — MGK, Colson. A man of many names, apparently. 

I’m still skeptical. “I don’t want to impose,” I say. I’m not fun enough to hang with them. It may appear that way based on my career and the fact that I play live music, but I’m boring. All I want to do is smoke weed and maybe go out to eat. I don’t really like to drink and big crowds make me anxious. 

“You wouldn’t, I swear,” Cash continues, still trying to convince me. 

“Cash…” I bite down on my lip. “I don’t know.”

Cash turns his head and talks to someone but I miss what he says. My brow furrows, and then the phone is being passed. I swear to god I stop breathing when my brother’s face disappears and Colson’s takes its place.

God. This man has no business being as hot as he is. His bone structure is unreal. In another life, he could be a successful model. He’s got the height and the body for it. Covered in tattoos and piercings, he matches my vibe. His hair is bleach blonde and messy, currently, so long it almost covers his eyes until he flicks it away and pushes it back, rings glinting on his long fingers. Christ.

“Hey, Presley,” he greets like we’re old friends.”

“Um, hi,” I say after a moment. How could Cash just throw me onto FaceTime with Colson fucking Baker?! Cash doesn’t know about my crush, but still, he’s a big celebrity. I needed more time to prepare.

“What Cash isn’t saying is that it’s non-negotiable. You’re coming,” he says casually. “We’re going to be in Detroit next Saturday and you can just join us then.” 

“My job—”

“Cash already told me it’s easy for you to take time off,” Colson interrupts. Dammit, Cash.

“Well, tell Cash that not all of us are famous rockstars like he is and that some of us still have rent to pay,” I say, loud enough for Cash to hear.

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Colson says. “Cash already paid for your next three months’ rent.”

I blink. “Cash David Carver,” I say, tone clipped. “What the hell?”

Cash’s face pops in as he throws an arm around Colson’s shoulders with a shit-eating grin on his face. “Gotta take care of my little sister,” he explains.

“You’re 12 minutes older than me,” I say through gritted teeth. 

“Still,” Cash says annoyingly. “Come on, Pres, come see me.”

I sigh. I don’t have to worry about rent for three months. Cash was right, it’s easy to take time off. It means the other piercer gets way more hours and makes more money. I’ve been there for long enough that I can do pretty much whatever I want. I chew on my lip.

“Fine,” I say, and Cash cheers. Colson smiles, and fuck, what an adorable smile. Crinkly eyes and all. 

“We’ll see you next Saturday,” Cash says. “Maybe get a friend to drive you. We’ll get you both backstage passes and tickets for the show.”

Holy hell.

“Okay,” I say, head still spinning. I can’t even believe this is real.

“Alright, we gotta go. Love you, Pres,” Cash says.

“Looking forward to meeting you,” Colson says.

“Yeah, me too,” I say. “Love you, too, Cashy. See you soon.”

The FaceTime ends and I’m left sitting on my couch, knowing that in less than two weeks, I’ll be riding on Machine Gun Kelly’s tour bus. I’ll be at shows. It occurs to me that my wardrobe is not good for the paparazzi pictures in which I very well may appear. 

I need to go shopping. 

I need to mentally prepare.

Somehow. 

Colson

“Daddy!” Her voice is almost a shriek and I smirk around the gum in my mouth as I go harder, bringing a hand down onto her ass as I do. God, she sounds like a fucking pornstar, the way she’s moaning and crying over my dick. I’m sure some of it is for show, but the way she’s clenching ain’t fake. 

“Fuck,” I mutter lowly, grabbing her hips for leverage as I fuck her harder, feeling myself start to get close. 

“Oh fuck, Kells!” Her back arches and her pussy seizes me as she comes, ass pressing back. Feeling her lose it gets me, too, and with a curse, I come, too. 

Once I catch my breath, I pull out and get rid of the condom. Panting, she pulls her panties back up and shoves her skirt down. She tries to fix her hair, but it’s a damn mess, and there’s mascara smeared on her cheek and her lipstick is pretty much everywhere but her lips. It’s definitely on my dick, that I know for sure. 

I button my jeans and smirk at her, reaching a hand out to help her up. She smiles shyly and I lead the way out of my bunk and into the main space of the tour bus. 

“We gotta take off soon,” I explain, bending to kiss her cheek. “It’s been fun, Sabrina.”

Her blonde brows furrow. “Savannah,” she says flatly.

“Shit. Sorry,” I say, giving her my brightest smile. It works. She smiles, too, batting her eyelashes.

“Goodnight, Kells,” she says, fluttering her fingers in a wave as she steps off the bus.

“Goddamn, aren’t you tired?” I turn around to see Cash and Rook on the couch, grinning proudly. Cash’s question has me considering.

“Yeah. I am,” I admit, reaching into the mini fridge for a bottle of water. I plop into one of the cushy chairs and prop my feet on the table. “That’s life, though, boys.”

Rook snorts and Cash smirks as he takes a sip of his beer. I love the kid. I’m glad he’s on tour with us. He’s fucking sick on the guitar and he gets along great with all of us. He’s always down for a good time and he’s a great wingman. I think it’s those damn dimples and the curly blonde hair. 

My mind flashes to Cash’s twin sister, Presley. From what I’ve seen in pictures, she looks nothing like Cash. Her hair is black and her eyes are a piercing green. She’s tatted and pierced like him, and though she’s not as tall as he is at 6’2”, she still has legs that go on for miles. She’s hot as fuck, and I’m excited she’s going to be joining the tour for a bit.

As if Cash is reading my mind, he brings her up. “I can’t wait for Pres to join us. She’s my best fucking friend, man.”

“I can’t imagine having a sister,” I say. “Especially a twin.”

“Is that telepathy shit legit?” Rook asks between puffs off a joint. 

Cash plucks the joint from his fingers and takes a long drag before passing it to me. The smoke is sweet as it fills my lungs, and I follow up the first hit with another until my head tingles. 

“Yeah,” he admits, nodding. “I got in a car crash when we were in high school. Broke my leg and needed stitches in my forehead. Presley had no idea but she left school with a raging headache and a limp.”

“No fucking way,” I say. “Seriously?”

“It’s crazy,” he says. “That’s kind of why I’m glad she’s coming. I can tell she’s not doing so hot.”

I frown, not liking the way his words make my stomach hurt a little. I don’t even know this chick. I shouldn’t really care. But she’s my friend’s sister, so I guess it makes sense. “What’s wrong? Shitty boyfriend?” I ask.

Cash barks such a loud laugh that Rook and I both freeze, looking at him like he’s crazy. “Sorry,” he says, chuckling and shaking his head. “Pres has never had a boyfriend.”

“How?” I blurt before I can stop myself. I clear my throat. “I mean, she’s hot. Respectfully,” I add.

Cash chuckles. “Guys want her. They’re all over her,” he says, and I notice the way his hand tightens protectively on the armrest. “She doesn’t want any of them. We tell each other everything, but she doesn’t date. Dunno why.”

“Hm,” I reply. Interesting. I don’t date either, but I do fuck. Maybe his sister is the same way. Good news for me, if so. 

“So on that note,” Cash says. “She’s off limits. No hitting on my sister.”

I’m visibly disappointed and Cash narrows his eyes at me. “I mean it, Kells.”

I hold up my hands in surrender. “Alright, alright. Loud and clear.”

“But what if she hits on me first,” Rook asks, and when Cash swats him, he cackles. 

I sit back in the chair and take another drag off the joint. What’s the point of Cash’s sexy ass sister coming on tour if I can’t touch her? I have a feeling she’s even hotter in person. Oh well. I’ll have to deal with it. Cash is my boy and I’ll respect his wishes. 

It might be a little cocky to think she’d want me back if I made a move, but I haven’t been rejected since high school. It doesn’t happen when you’re at the place I am. Hell, I don’t even have to ask anymore. Girls, quite literally, throw themselves at me, along with their panties, bras, and even a vibrator one time. That was an interesting show. Funny as fuck watching Reed pluck it off the stage. 

I hear what Cash says, but there’s some weight to what Rook said, too. What if she wants me? Am I expected to reject her? Shit, I won’t be doing that. We’ll just have to see what happens.

XX

Our Detroit show comes on fast. It’s been a crazy week, and to be honest, I haven’t been thinking about Cash’s sister at all. There are plenty of other girls to keep me occupied. 

So when I’m backstage smoking a joint and Cash walks back with a couple of girls, I’m intrigued. I get up from the chair I’m in, but as I get closer, I recognize her. Cash’s sister. And fuck if she doesn’t take my breath away, as stupid as that sounds. 

Because holy shit. When I say Presley Carver is the most stunning woman I’ve ever seen, I’m not lying. Pictures don’t do this girl justice, and her pictures are pretty damn hot. There are those gorgeous legs beneath a short leather skirt. A tiny sliver of tanned stomach is visible beneath her shirt, a simple t-shirt tied in a knot at the bottom. Black, leather boots with a heel, making those legs even longer. Her hair is left down and straight, and I can see the green of her eyes from twenty feet away.

I basically tuck my tongue back into my mouth before snuffing the joint out and going over to say hi like a gentleman. The three of them are chatting with Ashleigh and Olivia, but Presley looks up as I come over, and for the few seconds that our eyes are locked on one another, I feel a bolt of electricity shock through me. She blinks and looks away, but there’s a little smirk on her face. 

“Cash, gonna introduce me?” I ask, putting a hand to Cash’s shoulder.

“Yeah, Kells, this is my sister, Presley,” he says.

“Nice to meet you,” Presley says, holding out a hand.

I smirk and step forward to hug her instead. “Nah, fuck that, we hug around here,” I say, noticing the way her head tucks into my neck, inhaling the smell radiating from her hair — something sweet and sugary. She smells like fucking candy and for a second, I can’t help but wonder what she tastes like.

As I pull away, Cash gives me a warning glance, but I just smile. “And this is her friend, Sadie.”

“Hi Sadie,” I say, hugging her as well. She’s cute, but she isn’t Presley Carver. No one is.

“Thanks again for being so generous,” Presley says. God, her voice is hot, too. Sultry and low, slightly raspy. She sounds like she’d be one hell of a singer. 

“No problem,” I say. “Make yourselves at home.” I need to finish my joint and take a piss before I get out onstage, and as much as I want to stay here and stare, I have shit to do. I wave and walk away. I glance over my shoulder after a few seconds and catch Presley staring. She jumps a little and immediately focuses on what Cash is saying, but she looks flustered. I notice the shape of her long black nails as she tucks her hair behind her ear and I shiver. Focus, Colson. You have a show to do.

But somehow knowing Presley is watching makes me go harder. Makes me take my shirt off and put on a good show of thrusting at my guitar. I drag my fingers down my body, grab my cock over my pants. Old Colson is coming out. The kid who used to suck tits onstage. I hadn’t realized how much I missed him. He was fun. I stopped acting that way when I met…never mind. 

I like that this girl is making me find my old self onstage. I completely give into it, and it’s my best show of the entire tour. Detroit is lucky Presley Carver is in their presence. 

After the show, I chug a full bottle of water, accepting daps and high fives and hugs backstage. I hate how my eyes are searching for her. Cash was very clear — hands off his sister. Which is such a dick move. Has he seen his sister? I mean, I know that’s his sister but he’s not blind. Right?

“Great show.” I jump a little when I hear that slightly raspy voice behind me, and when I turn around, my breath hitches. She looks even better a little sweaty from the show, black hair slightly mussed up. 

I clear my throat and put on a smirk to hide how flustered this girl has me. “Thanks. You had fun?”

“Oh, yeah,” she says, her eyes bright. “You guys put on a good show.”

I mop my face with my sweaty t-shirt and flick my hair out of my eyes. “Did you sing along to any songs?” I ask, my not-so-subtle way of figuring out whether or not she knows our music. 

Her grin is a little sly. “Maybe,” she says with a little shrug. 

My brow arches. “C’mon, you’re gonna leave a guy hanging?” I ask. I really want to know if she actually likes my music.

“Pres, quit acting mysterious,” Cash says when he steps up beside me, slinging an arm around my shoulders. “She listens to your shit. She knows all the words.”

“Cash!” Presley hisses, giving him a look. 

“What?” Cash blanches. “It’s true!” He turns to me. “As soon as I joined y’all she started listening.”

“So you didn’t listen before we kidnapped Cash?” I ask. For some reason, I like that she hasn’t always been a fan. 

She shrugs. “Not really.” Now she looks a little sheepish. “I was missing out, though.”

“You should've heard the shit she said about you when Killshot came out,” Cash adds, and when Presley stomps on his toe, he yelps. “Ow, what the fuck!”

“Cash, you’re such a dick,” she groans. She looks up at me and smiles weakly. “He’s exaggerating.”

I’m amused as fuck. All I can do is laugh. I don’t give a fuck whose side she was on when that all went down. She’s backstage at my show now, and I saw the way she looked at me earlier. She’s into me. There’s no way she’s not.

“I’m gonna go find a bathroom,” Presley mutters, shooting one last glare at Cash before she turns on her heel and stomps away. And maybe my eyes fall on her ass, the way her waist curves out into smooth hips. Cash elbows me, and now it’s my turn to yelp.

“C’mon, I was just looking!” I insist.

“Yeah, looking at my sister like you want to fuck her,” Cash says, but he’s still grinning a little. The smile fades and he clears his throat. “Look. She’s a good girl.”

A quick burst of irritation blooms in my chest. “Are you saying I’m a bad guy?”

“No!” Cash insists, eyes widening. “Not at all. She just…she’s different, Kells. And she’s my sister. I don’t want anyone taking advantage of her.”

“Taking advantage?” I blurt in outrage.

“No, Kells I — fuck.” Cash tears his hands through his messy hair. “Please.”

I sigh, the fight going out of me, and nod. “I won’t do anything,” I mutter.

“You promise?” The kid asks.

I have half a mind to make fun of him for the juvenile ass question, but I just nod. “Promise,” I sigh. Cash relaxes after that and he claps me on the back before jogging away to find some of the other guys. 

I’m annoyed now. I want a shower and something to eat. And my dick is a little bit hard in my jeans. I shift and then walk stiffly outside to the tour bus. 

Sure enough, a group of girls squeals when I come outside. They’re hanging near the tour bus and I quickly scan the group for the hottest one. There’s a cute brunette and I decide she’s the one. I approach the fence and reach for her hand. Her eyes twinkle. 

“You busy right now?” I ask.

She looks to her friend whose eyes are bugging out of her head. “Nope,” she says. 

I smirk. This will be a good distraction. Just what I need.

[bengiyo]

Moonlight Chicken Ep 6 Stray Thoughts

Yesterday we focused on broken love from one person changing and the other staying the same. Wen and Alan built a romance out of college that Wen eventually grew beyond. Heart lost his hearing and learned a new way to speak, but his parents didn't go through the difficulty of learning to speak. As a result, everyone suffered, but the performances were spectacular.

Jim and Wen are going to make me revive the #they are literally always flirting tag. Still, I'm glad Wen clarified again that Jim didn't cause him to fall out of love with Alan.

Chapter 6: The Walk to Forget and Forgive

I had hoped that Wen's presence would enable Jim and Li Ming to speak to each other properly, but it's going to take time.

Sui Pornnapa is a good actress, y'all. Don't get too caught up in looking for villains to miss a good performance. The way she carries her unease about Li Ming before sitting down with him to realize that he really cares about her son. Because Fourth has such a joyous face, you can't help but feel her own pain and embarrassment that this boy knows things about her son she's never realized.

Okay, the note under the door was cute. You knew Heart was going to recognize the handwriting even if he didn't catch the tone of the message. Gemini, y'all. He's got great instincts about physically embodying his characters.

Saleng seems like he's on the side of whoever melts the ice prison Jim has locked himself within.

Earth and Mix have phenomenal chemistry. You can feel the easy desire between them, and the restraint never feels like internalized homophobia. Instead, it always feels exactly like an age gap tinged with a sense of responsibility.

You know, I had a feeling Beam had died. Something about the way Jim's grief felt like it was in stasis said that Beam died before they could reconcile or get closure.

In my feelings about older queers. We don't deal with this in BL often, but if you have older queer friends you'll be able to ask them about what it's like when one of us dies. Sometimes you have to rush to the apartment and remove all the gay content so their families don't know. Sometimes the families will refuse to tell us anything. It's a special kind of loneliness to not be able to mourn with people because they refuse to love everything about someone you care about and shun you.

Curious why Jim is determined to get the loan from this bank.

Holy shit, Khaotung. I have replayed his facial expressions as Jim finally crushes his hopes five times. You can see his wide eyed hope as he musters all of his bravery to ask directly, and then has to suppress his deep disappointment even as he can't withhold the tears. He even has to try to set his own feelings aside over the title deed.

I like cutting immediately to Saleng. I'm glad Gaipa still has that connection.

Love that Wen is determined to put a door in Jim's wall.

In my feelongs about how our Facebook pages become memorials.

This entire scene with Beam's girlfriend was so captivating. This is the kind of mess I expected from Aof. Two people loved a man and it made them both feel lesser. Then he died suddenly. No one can ever get closure with him, and instead must choose to live. I like seeing people near 40, because they have had time and realize the other isn't an enemy.

"People only go to the beach to get hot or get healed." I see you, Aof.

Oh, I think Heart is the first person to call Li Ming smart in this show.

Heart and Li Ming really are just so adorable.

I think I will accept the camera angle for their kiss because it's their first, and much of their dynamic feels private. Also, not sure I like Jim's dismay at witnessing it.

Alan wearing both of their rings as he goes on a bender says a lot about what his intentions were.

Lookwa gets to play Fourth's mom twice! Also wtf, Jim. I'm choosing not to read too much into a GMMTV preview.

[lindzaylove]

E.M. | Rainfall

Eddie Munson x fem!reader

word count: 2.9k

trigger warnings: angst (yeah, it’s angsty to the end but with a kind of happy ending?); a little editing (not much, but y’know); swearing

part two to Many Moons Ago

a/n: thank you guys so much for requesting this and following me! you have no idea how much that means to me <3 I love y'all

It isn’t every day that an epic love comes and goes in the span of two years. Seeing Eddie, talking to Eddie, had made you incapable of falling asleep. It would have been sweet, his affect on you, had it not been completely enraging. Coming back into your life because Dustin fucking Henderson couldn’t pick out a horror movie by himself? What kind of sick joke was God playing?

Even worse, his face was etched into the back of your eyelids. His nose, scrunched slightly in confusion. Eyebrows pressing together as his lips opened slightly. Hair curly and wild, sitting against his fair skin. God making Eddie your worst enemy was a game made for the devil.

Eddie’s confusion hurt most of all. It made you doubt yourself. Were you remembering wrong? You wracked your brain for any difference in your story, but alas, your memory stood. He had broken your heart in the most cruel way.

You’d gone through this thought process already. Were you a joke among him and his friends? Were you a bet, a side hustle for some cash? Were you meant to make Chrissy jealous? You could never find a reason for what he said, for how he could spend all that time getting to know you and hold you and kiss you? How could he be your first kiss, knowing the whole time he didn’t love you, want you?

It didn’t make sense, none of it. He had to have felt something. Which meant he lied. But why? Why would Eddie lie to you about that?

It was on your mind at school the next morning. You looked the halls for him, hoping you could see something that would suddenly explain everything. No matter what, you couldn’t find him. Perhaps he skipped, embarrassed to see you. How dare he hide, though. He had left you a mess and now he expects you to pretend it didn’t happen?

Finally, lunch came around and you saw him. He was staring at his plate, tossing around whatever food he had. You felt a sick feeling of satisfaction knowing he was distraught. When he’d broken up with you, you hadn’t been able to sleep. You wondered how that taste of his own medicine felt going down his throat.

Suddenly, he looked right at you. Even across the cafeteria you could see the way his eyes got a little bit wider and his shoulders got a little bit straighter. Neither of you looked away for a while, not until Jason came in with more basketball players, causing a commotion. You were quick to throw out your lunch, heading out to the woods beyond the school where a picnic table sat.

You and Eddie had been there a couple of times together. It was always quiet, always a place away from everything that you two enjoyed more than you could admit out loud for fear of sounding foolish. It was one of those places that made you feel safe, even if it also reminded you of him.

It was only a few moments before you found the spot on the table where you two had carved your initials in a heart. Two years had passed, but it hadn’t faded in the least. Though it wasn’t often you came here in case Eddie was present, but it still made your heart ache each time.

The day you’d done it was present in your mind, reminding you of how in love you’d really been at sixteen. You were laying on the table and he was sitting there, holding your hand and pressing kisses to your fingers. The sky was was littered with clouds and it was chilly out, the late February breeze leaving chills on your skin.

“You know,” you mumbled, turning your head to look at him. He smiled widely, holding your hand to his lips, breath warm against your skin. “I kind of want to do this forever.”

“Stare at the clouds?” He glanced up. “Seems a bit boring to me.”

“Obviously not,” you rolled your eyes, tapping your fingers against his cheek. “Being with you. It feels like a forever sort of thing.”

“I-“ Eddie paused, holding your hand against his face. “Wanna do something semi-permanent?”

“I am not getting a tattoo with you,” you sat up, but he only laughed.

“No, I mean stab the table in a weirdly romantic way,” he says, pulling out his pocket knife.

You slide into the seat next to him, close enough to feel his body heat and be in the way of his arm as he carved. You couldn’t see what he was doing until he finished it.

A crude heart with both of your initials inside of it.

“I love you,” he said, for the first time. You’d said it last week while watching a movie, simultaneously telling him you knew it was fast and he didn’t need to say it back. But there he was, Eddie Munson, carving your initials into the table and telling you.

You didn’t know you were crying until it fell on the table. In the heart. Somehow it still felt so fresh when you thought about it all. Two months was no time at all to be together, yet you were so sure it would last. Sweet, sweet, naive you.

The shift at Family Video after school didn’t help. Steve was trying to find a date, failing miserably. Robin was teasing, threatening to revive the white board she’d had before. You were watching, like always, hoping one day the past would make sense again.

“Where is Y/N?” Dustin’s voice caused you to pause on your way to the front of the store. You were quick to check out the windows, no sign of Eddie’s van as you cut Steve’s answer off.

“Here in the flesh, Henderson. What’s up?”

“That movie you rented me, it made Eddie cry.”

“Eddie ‘the freak’ Munson?” Steve asked, leaning forward on the counter. “He cries?”

“I don’t even know what movie I rented you,” you shrugged. “Nonetheless, Eddie makes fun of horror movies.”

“It was The Shining.”

“So?” You crossed your arms. Though you were skeptical of Eddie crying, you couldn’t help but be even slightly interested in what had caused it. You were almost praying it was and wasn’t you simultaneously.

“So he showed up late to school today and then left during lunch. I know it has to do with you.”

“Henderson, dude,” Steve tapped the table. “Take a breath.”

“What do you want me to do, go to his place and make him feel better?” You scoffed. “I don’t know if you were paying attention yesterday, but Eddie isn’t on my list of people to really worry about anymore.”

“Anymore?” Robin whispered to Steve, who looked equally confused.

“He canceled Hellfire tomorrow night,” Dustin sighed. You immediately dropped your arms to your sides.

“Really?” You blinked, confusion setting. Eddie never cancelled Hellfire, even if you were sick. It was always “well, you shouldn’t have jumped in the lake last week” even though he had done it right alongside you. Eddie Munson would die before cancelling Hellfire, he wouldn’t even reschedule if people were busy.

“I’m still confused,” Steve mumbled, chin resting on his hands. Robin nodded quickly in agreement.

“Really. So could you please go over there and make sure we play tomorrow. Also make him less sad, it’s weird to see him all mopey,” Dustin replied. I glanced at Steve and Robin, who shrugged and motioned around the store.

“We have to know everything when we see you again,” Steve pointed a finger at you.

“Yeah, yeah,” you waved him off, heading out to your car.

You knew you shouldn’t be going to see him. It was one of your stupidest decisions (the most stupid being to pursue him in the first place). The drive over there would have been quiet had it not begun to rain. You couldn’t help but feel a little bit like the universe was playing pranks on you.

Pulling into the trailer park was a little odd, seeing familiar faces who happily waved at the sight of your beat up car as well as empty trailers you knew used to have families in them. Two years was some how quite a bit of time for Forest Hills. Two years was some time for anyone and anything if not nurtured.

Before you knew it, your engine was off and the Munson trailer sat in front of you. Eddie’s van barely registered as you opened the car door. The rain was coming down a bit harder now, getting you wet as you found your way up the stairs. The screen door was shut, but the other one was cracked a bit. You could hear music softly, even as you helped yourself inside.

The trailer looked the same, which only made you more on edge. You hoped being there, seeing things hadn’t changed a bit, would have helped. The dishes stacked a couple dishes too high, the magnets on the fridge holding up several notices and statements, the couch being much darker than you know they bought it. It was almost enough to make you turn and go. Seeing Eddie was going to send you running, you were sure of it.

“Did they send you-oh,” Eddie said, stopping a few feet from you. His Hellfire shirt, or probably just one of them, was a bit too big on him. His black jeans were tugged halfway on and when he saw you he pulled them the rest of the way up. The music you’d heard was a bit louder now, clearly coming from his room.

“Hey, Eddie,” you held your hands in front of you, “I just wanted to come check on you.

“Did Dustin tell you to come?” He asked, not moving from his spot. You could hear the thunder loud and clear in your head and outside. The past and present were mixing.

“Yeah. He said you weren’t feeling well and he figured I could come talk to you. Said you cancelled Hellfire tomorrow.”

It was silent as he stared at you, clearly evaluating what you could possibly be doing in his home two years after what you claimed to be your worst heartbreak. You’d been rude to him yesterday, completely cruel. You wanted answers, most of all. Forget Hellfire, forget Dustin, forget the past two years. You wanted to know what happened.

“I want to know if you meant what you said,” you added. “Just like, during the breakup. Did you mean it?”

“I-“ Eddie was nervous. He was wringing his hands and rocking on his heels. His eyes couldn’t meet yours again.

“I’m tired, Eddie. I’m so tired of hating you,” you breathed out. “I just want to say goodbye and move on, for real. I don’t want to be the zombie you made me anymore.”

“Well-“

“You cried.” You cut him off. “You fucking cried during The Shining. You think I forgot what happened during the movie? You think I forgot every touch, every kiss, every glance? It doesn’t stop, it never stops. I do my best to pretend like you died but it only makes it worse when I see you at school or hear one of those freshman talk about you.

Worst of all, I can’t stop asking myself why. Why did you pretend with me? Why did you tell me you love me? Why did you let my heart grow for you only to shatter it? Why did you break my heart like that? Why did you let me drive home alone in the rain? Why didn’t you call, or come apologize? Why’d you say all those things?

“It was a normal, harmless argument and you broke up with me. You sent me home feeling worthless and like nothing I ever did or said to you meant more than an ego boost. Damn it, Eddie. I was so in love with you.”

You finished at lightning struck, so close it lit up the windows around you. The tears rolled and rolled down your face, a personal rainfall happening for you. Your mind was clouded with so many more words you could have said, so many things you wanted answers for. He stood still, watching you curl your hands into fists. He didn’t answer. Silence.

You turned and went outside. The rain was no where near done, completely soaking you within seconds. You hated the world for not just letting you find your key and get in and pull away. Instead you stood outside your car, flipping through your keys like an idiot.

“Y/N,” Eddie’s voice found you over the storm, screen door closing behind him as he ran down the steps.

“What?“ You yelled back, still fumbling with your keys.

“I didn’t mean it.”

“What?” You looked up at him, rain colliding with your eyes as you blinked at him. Mud was forming around your shoes and you knew you were frozen in place - would have been had you been in the desert.

“I didn’t mean it, any of it,” he wiped the hair out of his face. “I loved you. I was scared that I loved you. I was worried you would leave me, would find someone like Jason or Steve or even that shitty Hargrove guy who would make you a million times happier. I figured that two months was the perfect time for you to figure out what you really wanted. You brought up Chrissy and I knew it. I knew, or I thought I knew, you were looking for a way out.

“You’re too nice, Y/N. You wouldn’t have been mean about it. I just couldn’t let myself feel that kind of pain, of being a pawn in someone’s game. So I made you believe you were the pawn. I wanted you to feel that way.

“It was stupid, childish, and awful. I was scared and I ran, but not without pushing you down first.”

“You said yesterday-“

“I lied,” he shook his head. “I was still scared, so scared that you were hating me. You were, you do. It hurt so bad to know that I made you feel that way. You always talked about words rolling off your shoulder, I figured us going back to being strangers only meant that was exactly what you thought.”

“I don’t have time for this,” you turned around to unlock your door. His arms were quick to be on either side of you, faces inches from yours when you turned to look at him.

“Hear me out,” he begged, “please.”

You nodded, but he didn’t move.

“I went to your work just to see you, to see if you were okay. You acted like I didn’t exist, got other people to help me. You were laughing and smiling, it almost felt like you’d broken up with me. It’s what I convinced myself of, what I told the Hellfire guys, what I told Wayne. I hated knowing the breakup wasn’t bad for you.”

“You were so wrong,” you pushed on his chest. “You lied to me, lied to our friends, your uncle. How do I know you’re not lying right now?”

“Because I cried watching The Shining,” he laughed slightly, blinking away the rain. “I remembered the way you sat on the couch and made fun of it. I remembered the way you looked at me, like my eyes were the prettiest things you’d ever seen. I remembered that you really had loved me, even before you said it.

“Sweetheart, I cancelled Hellfire because how am I supposed to go play the game I love when I know that I’m still in love with you and I still want a forever with you?”

What you did next was probably the stupidest thing you’d ever done. That doesn’t mean you’d take it back or rewind time to do something different. It actually felt like the right thing to do, like it was meant to happen.

His lips were parted, eyes blinking away rain. His arms were still on either side of you, holding you hostage against the side of your car. He smelled of rain, and weed, and the dollar store shampoo he uses because he thinks it makes his hair extra soft. He was Eddie, your Eddie, as his eyes glanced at your lips for just a moment - a force of habit that had come back just by being in your presence. You didn’t wait to ask him this time. You just kissed him.

You hands were on his cheeks, curling around the back of his head to pull him in. The taste of rain mixed with his usual taste, only making you want to kiss him all that much more. He was solid, lips returning the favor. Arms moved to your waist, pushing your back against the car.

It was as if time had stopped. It poured out of you, the want of Eddie Munson, the love of your life, kissing you. It made you feel whole, like you’d gotten home from a really long trip. He couldn’t stop touching you, pulling and grabbing anything you’d let him. Oh, how you missed kissing him.

“I still hate you.” You told him as he finally pulled back. Lightning hit again, making you both jump. Forest Hills lit up curtesy of the electric shock, letting you see his lips curve.

“Can you hate me and keep kissing me like that?” He mumbled, kissing you again.

taglist: @whyisnicole @palah @pankowforlife @sugarminsss @yikeshood @spicytrashthe1st @lifeistooshorttowasteyourtime @toobsessedsstuff @moonlitgarbage @tbrxnnan and I can’t tag anyone else I’m sorry!!

[t00turnttrauma]

a teeny favor- sfk

Heyyyyyy... how y'all doinnnnn'?" I did a lil' something between classes. Enjoy!

The doorbell rang, pulling you from the couch and brain rotting reality tv. You could barely peel your eyes away at the argument between the affluent women of Beverly Hills. The chime played out again.

“Coming!” You shouted, pausing the rerun and dusting the popcorn crumbs from your shirt. You fixed your hair away from your face before opening the door.

“Hi,” the man said, a dog sat silently at his feet. “I’m Sam, I live down the street.”

“Yes!” You chuckled, still confused as to what the man who lived four doors down was doing on your doorstep on a Tuesday night. “Did I do something?”

“Oh, god, no,” he said, smiling and tucking his own hair behind his ear. “I- this is so embarrassing. I’ll make it short. You’re the fifth person on the street I’ve asked but I was hoping you’d be able to keep an eye on Rosie for a few days. Starting today. Like… now.”

You swallowed. You’d seen him take his dog on walks up and down the street. Sometimes if your window was open, you’d hear him talking to her. There was the one time when she’d gotten loose from his fenced in yard, setting up camp in your backyard for a few hours.

“Sure!” You said, ready to take her leash from his hands.

He sighed loudly. “Thank god! She’s usually fine home alone.” He fumbled with his keys, handing you a single red key on a chain. “This is the key to the front door. There’s the one for the side door inside on the counter. I just wanted to make sure her food and water would be full when she needs it.”

You crouched down to pet Rosie, who happily leaned into your touch, her tail wagging enthusiastically. "She seems like a good pup. Don't worry, I'll make sure she's well taken care of while you're away."

Sam's relief was palpable. "You're a lifesaver. I'll be sure to compensate you for your time and effort, of course."

"Oh, that's really not necessary," you replied, waving off his offer. "I'm just glad I could help out. If you need anything else or any updates while you're away, just let me know."

He nodded appreciatively. "I'll do that. Thanks again. And sorry for the short notice."

"No problem at all. Enjoy your time away, and don't worry about Rosie."

Sam waved goodbye to Rosie, giving her a quick scratch behind the ears before heading back down the street. Rosie watched him go for a moment before turning her attention back to you, tail wagging and tongue lolling out in doggy contentment.

You closed the door and looked down at Rosie, who was looking up at you with big, expectant eyes. "Well, Rosie, looks like it's just you and me for a few days. Let's make the best of it, shall we?" You patted her head and led her over to the counter, where her food and water bowls were waiting. As you went about your evening, you couldn't help but feel a sense of companionship with the unexpected addition to your home.

Throughout the week, you and Rosie settled into a comfortable routine. Mornings started with brisk walks around the neighborhood, the sun's gentle rays illuminating the quiet streets. Rosie's tail would wag excitedly as you clipped on her leash, and the two of you would set off on your daily adventure. You found yourself looking forward to these walks, taking in the fresh air and the simple joy of having a furry companion by your side.

As the days passed, you discovered that Rosie had a mischievous streak. One afternoon, you returned from an errand to find a trail of toilet paper leading from the living room to the kitchen, where a proud Rosie sat surrounded by the unravelled roll. You couldn't help but laugh as she looked up at you with those innocent eyes, her tail wagging a mile a minute. "Oh, Rosie," you chuckled, shaking your head. "What am I going to do with you?"

Cooking dinner became a collaborative effort. While you chopped vegetables and seasoned dishes, Rosie would sit nearby, her eyes fixed on your every move, hoping for a stray tidbit to come her way. You'd occasionally toss her a carrot or a small piece of chicken, and she'd catch it midair with impressive precision. The bond between you and Rosie grew stronger with each passing day, and you found yourself genuinely enjoying her company.

One evening, as the sun began to set and you sat together on the porch, watching the sky change colors, you felt a pang of disappointment knowing that Sam would be picking Rosie up soon. Her warm presence had become a comforting part of your routine, and you'd grown attached to her in a way you hadn't expected.

Sure enough, just as the sky turned from orange to pink, you heard the familiar jingle of keys and looked up to see Sam approaching. Rosie perked up at the sound, her tail swishing back and forth. Sam smiled warmly as he walked up to you, his feet echoing deep stomps on the wooden floor.

"Hey there," he greeted, crouching down to ruffle Rosie's fur. "How's my girl been?"

"She's been great," you replied with a smile, scratching behind Rosie's ears. "We've had a good week together."

Sam's eyes met yours, and there was a hint of something in his expression that made your heart flutter. "I'm really grateful for your help," he said sincerely. "It's not easy finding someone I trust to take care of her."

"It was my pleasure," you assured him, tucking your hair behind your ear and hands on your hips. "Rosie's a sweetheart. She's been no trouble at all."

He stood up, a thoughtful look crossing his face. "You know, you've done me a huge favor, and I'd like to repay you somehow. How about I cook you dinner one night as a thank you?"

You blinked in surprise, not expecting the offer. But the idea of sharing a meal with him was intriguing. "That's really not necessary, Sam."

He grinned, a playful glint in his eyes. "Come on, it's the least I can do. Besides, I'm not too bad in the kitchen."

You chuckled, the idea growing on you. "Alright, you've convinced me. Dinner sounds nice."

"Great," he said, his smile widening. "I'll take Rosie home for now, and we can figure out a date for dinner.” He smiled. “I’m sure you’re sick of her by now. Thanks again, really."

With a final pat on Rosie's head, Sam led her down the path, leaving you on the porch with a mix of emotions. It was clear that you had enjoyed having Rosie around, and Sam's presence had unexpectedly added another layer of enjoyment to the experience. The prospect of dinner with him brought a touch of excitement to your week ahead.

As the days went by, you found yourself looking forward to the evening when Sam would return for dinner. The anticipation built, and before you knew it, the agreed-upon night had arrived. You made sure everything was tidy and comfortable, choosing a casual yet welcoming atmosphere. You had a feeling that this dinner might be more significant than you'd initially thought.

When Sam arrived, he brought a bottle of wine as a gesture of appreciation. The two of you settled into an easy conversation as you cooked together, exchanging stories, laughter, and shared moments. Rosie, true to form, tried her best to get in on the action, occasionally sitting at your feet with an expectant look. She would occasionally nudge your leg when you stopped paying her attention.

As the evening progressed, you found yourself enjoying Sam's company more and more. There was a natural chemistry between you, a sense of ease that made the conversation flow effortlessly. The food was delicious, and the wine only seemed to enhance the camaraderie.

As the night grew darker, Sam leaned back in his chair, his gaze fixed on you. "You know, I have to admit, I was a little envious of Rosie getting to spend time with you this past week."

You laughed, feeling a warmth spread through you. "Well, she's a charmer. But I'm glad we got to know each other too."

He smiled, his eyes lingering on yours. "Me too."

The moment hung in the air, charged with unspoken possibilities. It was clear that the connection between you and Sam went beyond a simple favor. As the night wound down, you couldn't help but wonder where this unexpected turn of events might lead.

[scoups4lyfe]

Bipolar Essay PART 5

Ian's short movie (part one) open with a voice over and then the first song that plays, aka the introductory song, is SERAPH.

For me, "It's his last conversation with his God as he sets his wings on fire. In those moments when my world starts splitting, it's a question from me as to why it always has to be like this."

This line really **HIT**.

I have literally (in my online journal entries) written, "[God] Why have you forsaken me?" During one of my more debilitating episodes.

Because, ey yo? WHY does it always have to be like this?

Literally feels like we're a shattered teacup tossed to the floor, and now we can't be put back together ever again and we just have to constantly live with that knowledge that our own glass shards are what's killing us.

And yet...."So hold me this one last time" is the last words Ian chooses to end the conversation he has with his God on, and that KILLS me even MORE.

Because, same.

(Lmao. If y'all aren't religious in any sense of the word, you might just be reading this like 'PSHsht' but bare with me.)

God to me is all that is beautiful in the world. He is

hope.

And so what do you think it feels like to be abandoned by hope itself?

:/

Icarus is a very apt metaphor for someone with BD.

Not a lot of people discuss the Hypersexuality aspect of Bipolar disorder.

To the point that even I -- someone WITH bipolar disorder -- had misconceptions about it.

One thing that I never knew was that the excessive sexual behavior, thoughts (and what not) were compulsive and unwanted. "Seemingly uncontrollable."

I learned this about hypersexuality in a podcast, actually -- where the host (who has BD), and a psychiatrist, discuss bipolar things -- hypersexuality being one of the things they discussed.

The host even stated that he once called / texted his family that he was sick instead of going to a get together because he was so horny that he spent that entire day m@$terbAiTing. Like 20 times in the span of a few hours.

(Which isn't healthy, and def. something the psychiatrist said she would hear and go, "yeah. That's not normal.")

The host stated that sometimes he wasn't even turned on at all. But he still felt the compulsion to follow through on the act. (Y'kno, because its a compulsion.)

I don't think these aspects of hypersexuality get discussed enough. I was fr sitting there listening to that podcast like:

Not that anyone needed or wanted to know this, but I am basically aroace (more ace, less aro, LOL) through and through.

Unfortunately for me, I would suddenly have bouts of hypersexuality during hypomanic and manic episodes which caused me a lot of confusion and self-loathing.

Going from absolutely no sexual thoughts, interests, or desires, to suddenly a plethora of all of those things combined with a compulsion to complete such an act ---made me think of myself as someone disgusting and morally wrong on every account.

It was painful too because it's not like I **wanted** to do any compulsive behavior, or to think, or act on any of that nonsense, because I wasn't INTERESTED in those things. I never was! !!!!

Literally the only way to distract myself from that nonsense was hyperfixating on a tv show, book, music, youtube --anything to distract me.

Now -- you see why, "Hypersexuality" is so much more than, "wants to have a lot of sex" or "being overly promiscuous" 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫 🦆

I feel like the statement "Entering an episode isn't easy" is rather redundant, LOL.

But well and truly.

It isn't easy.

What gets me the most is the uncertainty.

I don't know when a new mood cycle is going to hit. For me -- I'm a rapid cycler. Mood switching happens more frequently than I'd like.

My mood journaling makes this fear and uncertainty obvious. I never know if I'll go to sleep and wake up normal, or more "able", or if I'll wake up zapped from all of my humanity.

When I'm hypomanic I can feel on top of the world -- like I've finally fixed my life and from now on I'll do everything right. I'll work out and eat right, and sleep when I'm supposed to, and read regularly, and engage socially --- blah blah blah blah bLAH.

(You get the point.)

Because that energy never stays. I'll "dip" and soon all I'll be able to think about is the agonizing question of how anyone can stay awake longer than 2 hours without needing a nap.

Literally me after 2 hours of being awake:

When I'm in a depressive episode, I go from being someone like "SENKUU" from Dr.Stone, to straight up being Sleepy Ash/Kuro from Servamp. (My friends have also compared me to Shikamaru.) ....Not that this is anything important 🤪.

For this one, let me expand on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

OCD can be defined as:

"a disorder in which people have recurring, unwanted thoughts, ideas or sensations (obsessions). To get rid of the thoughts, they feel driven to do something repetitively (compulsions). The repetitive behaviors, such as hand washing/cleaning, checking on things, and mental acts like (counting) or other activities, can significantly interfere with a person’s daily activities and social interactions."

Source: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/what-is-obsessive-compulsive-disorder

I bring this up because intrusive thoughts come hand-in-hand with OCD. For Bipolar you can have auditory hallucinations -- like hearing voices, and / or you can have intrusive thought trains that are debilitating.

For me I have mental compulsions.

Often my intrusive thoughts will either be (1) Unwanted sexual thoughts that are disturbing or (2) Blasphemy aka a spiral of intrusive thoughts cursing out God as if its in my own voice

--> These force me to spend hours of my time constantly saying "Shut up" and "Stop" in my head. Doing my best to disrupt or distract myself away from the thoughts. As you can imagine -- that kind of makes it hard to focus on things in everyday life.

I stated this before but sometimes I have to imagine myself fighting my own intrusive thoughts. Though like 0.2 seconds later they start back up and the cycle continues.

This one shouldn't be all that surprising.

Depression can / is one of the constant fears of someone with BP. As it always looms ominously on the horizon like some sh*tty tax collector.

Like tbh -- I'm on antidepressants and mood stabilizers and blah blah blah--- I don't care if the antidepressants are making me hypomanic. I prefer that insanity compared to the depression.

Do you know how much it fvcking SUCKS to have absolutely ZERO energy? To constantly have to nap, but it never makes a difference because like 15 minutes later you'll be just as tired as you were before, if not more?

FR I'm legitimately afraid of who I'll become or what will happen if I get off my antidepressants. Like....when I say "I don't think I could live" (like that) I mean it. And that terrifies me.

Closing up on this part of the PPT, here's (of course) the link to the short movie that these slides reference:

[Prev] [Next]

PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9]

PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)

Visuals of a Depressive Episode: (1), (2)

Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

[tricornonthecob]

The cat left my arm, but then there was a suspicious crash in the kitchen

LK 109: Ain't No Bunker Mountain High Enough

(pt1)(pt2)(pt3)(pt4)

Can you imagine. She watched her cousin die in her arms, and now she's picking her way through triage. There were upwards of 1,000 wounded on the British side that day. The sound of hundreds of men wailing, of men sobbing, of men silent. The sight of carnage, of redcoats she's long been familiar with - long associated with paternal comforts - torn and bloodied. And the smell. The smell. Copper and sulfur and sweat. Is she recalling watching her cousin die? Is she imagining all the ways that James might be joining him? Does she wonder if her father is gone, too, somewhere in the wilderness, his blood mingling with the forest floor?

The men and boys she loves, all wracked and beaten by the inanity of war and inhumanity of the world. Is there a moment when she thinks that its pointless? A moment when time stops around her, when she moves but feels motionless, numbed to her senses, and comes face-to-face - for the first time - with how powerless a person truly is?

Anyway, back to the PBS Kids' Show.

a PBS Kid's Show unapologetically showing a grown man sobbing for his lost brother. As it should.

Bruh, I got nothing.

...you're not fine. You can say that.

Ok but I love how James' voice actor is playing him this episode. 100/100 serious/soft/empathetic James is best James.

upwards of 1,000, actually

oh god he knows why she was doing what she was doing the EMPATHY and the COMMUNICATION.

OH GOD SHE CAN'T ANSWER WITH WORDS SHE JUST NODS. Like, its so rare she doesn't have an answer or a quip or some comment about something, her mind always has something, and to just... not be able to have anything. She's so torn up about what she's seen and about having her hopes about her dad continually frustrated.

fucking HELL the empathy and the mutual hurt/comfort vibes. Y'all need a snuggle. Fucking A, I need a snuggle.

I want to make a fun comment about Spy!Henri, I really do, but I'm still feeling the angst vibes.

oh my GOD. In this house, we stan many things. Pretty bois, long flowing hair, and Empathetic James.

OH MY GOD YOU TWO STOP GAZING AT EACH OTHER LIKE THAT.

(She said "yielded no word of father.")

Lady Phillips, getting this letter a few weeks after her other letter:

Well this episode punched me in the gut unexpectedly.

Anyway byeeeee

[masterthespianduchovny]

no one fucking gaslit you but yourself. I a! so goddamned sick of the tedbecca shippers appropriating the actual experiences of actual abuse survivors to whine about not getting the ship that was very clearly never going to happen, and acting like having yet another bland straight white couple is somehow groundbreaking television.

y'all write whole goddamn essays about how you're so oppressed by *shit that did not fucking happen*. it's fucking tedious. your sydcarmy ship isn't happening either and I hope you die mad about it too

all y'all are doing is exposing yourselves for thinking that a woman only exists as a whole for your fave fictional white men to fuck and I'm tired of the endless tantrums in the tags about it

sorry you're incapable of media literacy and didn't immediately get the incredibly obvious joke in the finale but that's a personal problem. congratulations you played yourself. next time don't brainwash yourself with gifsets instead of watching what the show actually does. goddamned immature brats

Ooh, chile, you shouldn’t have told me that you’re sick of us spamming the tag because I’m going to make sure to write even more here and spam it all fucking day, baby. Thanks for that. ☺️

Now on to your bullshit post:

1. No one’s appropriating anything. You seem like the person who believes that only army veterans can have PTSD. Newsflash: that’s false just like your understand how who can be effected by gaslighting is false—it’s broader than you believe.

2. I’m a fucking black woman, let’s not get into politics over shipping because you will lose regardless of race. The show is predominantly WHITE and to ship either of the leads with the black men on the show, which has canonically happened for a pairing, is problematic as fuck.

3. Whoever said they were fucking oppressed, you need to talk to them NOT me. However, I can criticize what I deem as POOR writing. That’s not oppression, that’s a grievance that writers can learn from in the future.

5. I have a fucking degree in CINEMA AND MEDIA STUDIES. The lowest grade I ever received on film and TV analysis was a B and that was because I was trying less than usual. I’ve been apart of film/tv and have been on the crew of independent movies—even got an IMDb credit for it. I was briefly an English major before switching to cinema and I’m currently writing a book, this is all to say:

I very likely watch tv (and film) more intently than you do and ever have. I break down character, plot, dynamics, tropes, themes, etc subconsciously and can recall small details and plot points that most people cannot.

I’m in the process of being a guest for a movie podcast, launching my own movie and tv podcast in a few months, and writing an article on the function of filler episodes in tv, both past and present.

So while my criticism is focused on a ship, it’s due to my intimate knowledge of tv, my education, and career path. The goal is to end up as a writer of movies and tv. Like, I’m true to this, not new to this.

I don’t give a fuck what you think is tedious. Bad writing is bad writing. It’s why Ted Lasso was shut out at the TCAs and will likely have very few or NO Emmy’s because the last season was terrible. The final episode doesn’t make any since even when you don’t account for Tedbecca. If you bothered reading that tedious writing, you’d know that. Don’t worry, I’ll write a post and flood the tag again.

The bantr reveal fake out does not make any sense if they never intended to AT LEAST explore ted and Rebecca’s feelings. That’s taking up important space in the narrative. We literally didn’t need it. Setting ted and rebecca up as soulmates regardless of it it was romantic OR platonic with NO pay off is BAD writing. Harping on their connection only for them to spend most of the season apart and very little screen time with ted being inattentive to rebecca in the last episode is BAD WRITING.

I’m sorry that you don’t know what bad writing looks like, but media literacy is being able to discern narrative consistency and how writing qualify influences that.

Part of the criticism of Tedbecca is that if it weren’t going happen, why were all of those unnecessary details there?

The other problem is that is was gaslighting because of how the writers, producers, and Jason interacted with fans. They led fans on, and Brendan was an asshole about the w tire thing during his AMA.

Like why in the fuck is Jason saying, “what if you had a crush on your boss” and invoking Nora Ephron? I don’t want to hear any bullshit about subversion when 1. The writing wasn’t good enough in the third season to subvert shit 2. Outside of shipper complaints, the show has fallen off hard in SM discourse. Went out with a whimper!

5. So wanting Rebecca AND Ted together means we think a woman only exists for our fave fictional white man? Mighty presumptuous of you to assume that Ted is my fave white man—that’s Mike Lawson and Fox Mulder. Even then, many who ship tedbecca are rebecca/Hannah stans and are actually pissed that her storyline didn’t involve therapy and focus on her professional life more. Hell, she didn’t even get adequate apologies from Higgins or one from Nate. The romance is only one of many ways the show has failed her and it has been discussed at length on Twitter. Please keep showing how you’re all assumption and don’t read or maybe you just lack comprehension skills. You’re the one exposing yourself here and lack the self reflection to understand that.

I suppose that’s hard when you have one brain cell. Don’t work it too hard!

We’re immature, but you’re sending anon hate mail to me because you’re upset. LOLOLOLOL!!! People have the right to complain if they want for long they want, get over it. The real immaturity is being unable to deal with the fact that people feel differently than you, not understand why (may be due to the one brain cell), and attacking us over it.

6. There’s no reason for me to be upset if SydCarmy doesn’t happen. While I do believe a foundation is being laid, The Bear can actually maintain high quality writing. So whatever they choose to do, even if it’s not marking my ship canon, I have confidence in the direction they choose to go.

7. Your head is so far up your ass that you think people didn’t get their pedestrian joke. Lol. You’re defending writing that, for TWO SEASONS, painted Jane as an abuser and that Beard needed to get out of their toxic relationship only for them to get a happily ever after that glosses over said abuse. Keep in mind that Jane fucking SHREDDED his passport.

Come get your clown make up kit, you’ve earned it, dear.

Because I want you to explain and justify THAT to me.

Let’s also breakdown Ted’s narrative arc, which doesn’t make a lick of sense and was changed in the third season.

Or how Jamie and Roy fighting over keeley was nonsensical.

And that Michelle’s ex was sabotaged narratively in the last ep and I don’t even like that dude.

Or how keeley and rebecca wanting to create and run a woman’s football league is random as fuck and has never been discussed, teased, alluded to, or anything else.

You think this is the first time a ship hasn’t happened for me? Hell, I’ve had one half of my ship did and they were CANON at one point. As a matter of fact, it was TWO ships only one canon and, for the latter, there was rampant RACISM going on behind the scenes.

Because I don’t know who else, if anyone else, you’re sending these anon messages to, but I’m very well versed when it comes to fiction and I don’t fuck around. I stand ten toes down in everything I say because it’s backed up with facts and careful thought.

So if you want to get into, we can get into it, but I guarantee you, you’ll be exposed as a fraud of who doesn’t know shit about fuck.

We can do this or not, the choice is yours.

[staytheword]

just finished the last chapter of be my mistake.

your writing got me so emotional i swear, it was so beautiful, tears in my eyes at every single paragraph and it's the absolute truth.

i love the atmosphere at the cabin, i really love the gray weather and rainy days and i always feel like something is happening within me in those times, something comforting, so i could totally grasp the healing time these two got at that moment

but wow it broke my heart to see them go appart a SECOND TIME (or third or fourth if you count everything that happened to them), like I was in disbelief, grumbling in my mind "i thought we would get a happy ending how is this happy ???? it is not ??? at least to me ??? what do i do now ???" and then i kept on reading because i thought "trust the process" and the process DELIVERED

that marple tree scene got me DROWNING IN MY TEARS i couldn't even read anything at one point i had to pause

but soooo sweet omg, so raw and sincere, i felt their love so deep within me, and their journey back at changbin's place felt so warm and hopeful and beautiful, i too felt whole again.

the end was the cherry on top, i really loved the last lines, and i'll definitely learn from it and from this story

thank you for giving life to this piece, i can't wait to read more of what's in your brain and soul, because reading you belongs to these moments that can turn my days into something happier and shinier ♡

sweetie 😭 once again, I'm sorry for being repetitive, but thank you so much. your message had me in tears. 😭

writing, especially a work that feels personal like this one although it's never happened to me or anything, is really hard, and I know I always put too much of myself in what I write. since I put of myself in it, I become hyper-critical of it and quickly can't see it objectively. so for those reasons, to know that people read it and loved it, I am so happy although I "can't see why". if you know what i mean? but I truly read every word you and other readers write to me and they move me. a lot. ❤️

that's the tmi of the day, haha (a)

anyway, all of that to say thank you. My favorite season is fall, with rainy days and colorful trees, so I'm so happy you got that feeling from the cabin scenes. there is something really healing about being in nature with someone you love even though things might be messy, i think😭

lmao how many times, I can't count either - but yes, trusting the process was the good thing to do and I'm so glad you did that and you weren't disappointed 😭 I'm afraid i played a little too much with y'all feelings with this one. (a) sorry.... (or not) ❤️

thank you so much about what you said. I'm very happy you enjoyed the ending and that you felt it satisfactory. I was very nervous about it, so it reassures me. I wanted to give a sense of closure so I'm glad I was able to convey that. ❤️ You are so sweet. It's amazing and slightly unbelievable to me that I could do that - make your day brighter, but you make mine brighter so I guess it's true ❤️ Thank you so very much and I hope, if you read more of me, you'll enjoy it!!

thank you thank you. sending lots and lots of love your way❤️

[mentallydeadartist]

Look who's back with another rambling post :,)

Well, let's just start with the usual, so I'll be opening up the box that is "Stranger by the shore" and like last time this is like a continuation of me blabbering to my friend 💀 so this is what I started with:

"It's way too fast paced. Also they focused on the wrong stuff. Like if you're already having bad pacing then I don't need a 5 min scene (or more) of them fucking. Like???

And the relationship is 1. Rushed, like they have known each other for like a while (I'd say a month but maybe even a few more months (I'd hope)) and then one of the guys needs to leave and the other is left to ponder for 3 years. Then when he gets back he (obv, he literally got back for him) starts flirting and what not so much that the other guy is just going deep down internalized homophobia and is brushing him off. He starts being distant and telling him "are you sure this is what you want" and man literally pulls out "you sure you don't want a girlfriend rather than having me?". 2. The internalized homophobia guy needs to sort some stuff out. He's way too quick when it's a stupid choice he's making. Like for example his fiance (who he broke off the engagement with even before meeting the other guy) is back to tell him about his dad. And while he fosters no feelings for her, when she asks "give a kiss goodbye, so that I'll be able to forget you" the motherfucker thinks for like two seconds ("oh yeah, that'll make it easier for her, so she'll leave me alone"). And mind you, he didn't even think about his fucking boyfriend. The other guy was literally on the side, he was gonna cheat. Without asking, without even realizing it 💀."

Like I said, it was way too fast paced for me.

And yeah it's a movie so "what were you expecting" idk. I guess I just think they could've done it better if some things were cut and some other scenes were given more time. I like the flashbacks tho, those were quite needed and at the right time too. I also get why they would want to show them flirting (or at least, Mio trying to flirt) to not have them rush too much (which, not only is it kinda playing into the "gay men rush thru every relationship they have" stereotype but also it's giving their story way less meaning) and they still failed, cause It's still too fast.

I have to say that this story would've done better as a longer film, a series would've been complicated to articulate tho. It's a rather weird situation.

I also find that it doesn't make sense for Mio to come back?? Like why would you. The "you helped me figure myself out" is not enough at all??? Why would you go back to someone you don't even know that well? How do you know he waited for you? We don't even know if they talked on the phone as much. Shun seemed shocked to talk to him, so I'd assume not. I'd understand if he (Mio) were to be grateful, as shun spent his time with him when his mom passed and didn't treat him like a good action, just like a normal person. And was still there by his side to help him through it. But not what Mio said to him.

Maybe the dub was also a mistake but it was 2 am and I was not gonna watch more subbed content.

Also the "almost cheating" thing just pisses me off. Like not only did shun just go for it (which, at least ask, like it makes sense why you would but you're not single my guy) but Mio kissed her, which you're not better than him??? Like yeah she's disappointed because it wasn't shun who kissed her, but it's still cheating bc again, Y'ALL HAD NO COMMUNICATION IN ALL OF THIS.

Also it's disgusting how after he completely messes up, shun just comes over and thinks he can make it better with kisses. Like I get if it's a small fight, but y'all both need to fucking talk because this could be getting more toxic if that isn't the case.

And then they fuck and it's anticlimactic as hell.

Like why was that even there????

"ah yeah, if people are watching, we might as well let them fuck" ??? What

Like yeah sure, pent up sexual frustration from both of them and also they're young so it's normal for them to make stupid choices.

But also they're both 20, fucking isn't gonna fix the lack of communication??

Also whose horrible idea was it to let Mio just wander with him?? Excuse me, what is he, a dog?? Mio is literally fixing everything in Shun's life and he's still getting dragged along like that. Let the guy rest istg. Now what's gonna happen? His dad is gonna be even more mad at him for being gay and then he'll sulk to Mio and he'll have to carry to burden of that too. And I get it, maybe Mio (somehow) thinks that Shun helping him is enough for what he's doing, but hm sorry to break it to you, but no way.

So if you're still planning to watch it, then just know it's some fujo bait or smt cause ain't no way it isn't 💀

[redwineconversation]

Vanessa Gilles OLPlay Interview (December 12, 2023)

Lyon's favorite chaotic wine aunt sticks around to create mayhem and out players' secrets for a little longer.

Blah blah standard disclaimers apply; @OL Comms Dept a PSL or a medicine ball would do nicely; stans were, are, and forever will be annoying and should be banned from stadiums; y'all know the speech by now.

Timothee > your club's journalist.

VANESSA GILLES OLPLAY INTERVIEW

Timothee: Vanessa, you extend your contract today, one more season with Olympique Lyonnais. How do you feel once it's done, once everything has been signed?

Gilles: [laughs] Yeah, really good. I said it when I arrived, I said last year, I'll say it again, you don't turn down Olympique Lyonnais. It's been a dream to be here since the beginning. I'm happy the dream continues.

Timothee: What were the factors? Did you hesitate at any moment? Was your decision made from the start?

Gilles: Ah, it's hard to hesitate when Lyon wants you to stay and you feel good [with the team]. The club, the team, the staff, they all welcomed me with open arms. I have a little family here. I'm really happy here and I didn't hesitate at all.

Timothee: And I imagine you still have lots and lots of things to accomplish with this club. You still have a lot of ambition, I imagine.

Gilles: Well, I hope so. For now I've won my very first trophies with the club. There's one more which still motivates me that I'm missing.

Timothee: We get the feeling that everyone is focused on the Champions League this season. You're on a bit of a mission.

Gilles: Well I think that Lyon is on a mission every year to win everything, to smash everything. But it's true that this year with the team that we have, the means that the new owner, Michele Kang, puts at our disposal, we're motivated, we're ready. It's true that it's one of the objectives for the end of the season.

Timothee: About precisely that. How did things change over the summer? The staff strengthened itself, a lot of people arrived. Do you feel that you have exceptional conditions now?

Gilles: Yeah, for sure. We already recruits who arrived who do a lot of good [to the team], it must be said, both in the locker room and on the field. The staff as well, they do a lot of good. I think that the staff who was already there feel much more supported and feel that they are able to focus on many more things. As for us as players, for sure it makes us feel like professionals, like when you join your National Team and you come back, you have the same means, you have the same resources. So it does a lot of good. And that allows us to continue, to be really well supported mainly, and to perform well.

Timothee: Can you explain a little bit to us what has changed in your game? And as a human being, how has your arrival at Olympique Lyonnais changed you? What have you learned by being at Lyon?

Gilles: I don't think I've changed that much. But for sure I've really progressed, especially on the field with the ball. Lyon is a team who dominates possession and who really expects their defenders who be present when attacking. So learn how to combine, learn how to find space, learn how to create space, etc, those things I wasn't used to doing. But I think a lot of people who don't play for big teams aren't used to that. So already that. And in terms of the human aspect, I think I found some great friends, great teammates and I think that moves things forward. It makes you feel at ease. As a person I haven't changed, but I found this motivation and love of life again to be in a club and to train, to play, go to sleep and do it all again. When the hours are so long it really helps to have that.

Timothee: Yeah, we really feel there is a cohesion where in the moments where you have to make an effort for each other, it's easier. And the cohesion is a thing - it looks like it's something you hold dear to you, because you work really hard for it. You bring a lot to the team in that sense.

Gilles: Yeah, I think that it's one of Lyon's main strengths even before I arrived and long after I will have left. I think Lyon will always keep that mentality, that culture of helping each other. Because at the end of the day, yes, we have great, great players, but it's a team who wins games. I think Lyon understood that really well and cultivates that mentality so that the new recruits understand that and work on that so we can go get the trophies.

Timothee: And you also speak the two languages [English and French]. It's a real advantage to be able to talk to everybody and be the link as well.

Gilles: Yeah, obviously it helps. But as I said, the French players speak English, the English [speakers] speak French. So I think that when you come and you only speak one language, you're quickly welcomed and you learn quickly how to understand each other on and off the field.

Timothee: The season when you arrived, it wasn't the easiest. You came and the context wasn't easy because there were endless injuries. This year it's off to a good start. What are your feelings on the start of the season? Are you satisfied with how things are going for the moment?

Gilles: Yes, obviously you can only feel good about the start of the season. As competitors we look back at each game and see where we can improve, because there is always room for improvement. But that's sport, it'll never be perfect. So it's exactly that mentality which will help us goin forward and throughout the whole season. But I think that as I said, we have recruits who are doing us an enormous amount of good. We had players come back from the World Cup with a lot of hunger and a lot of motivation to start this season. So it's different from last season. We have so, so many less injuries, thankfully. That's something which affected the team mentally last season and isn't weighing us down this season.

Timothee: You arrived in September [2022]. I think your first goal was in January [2023], maybe even right at the beginning of February. I think it's January. There's been quite a few since then. You're beginning to also be decisive in the other box. Is that important for you?

Gilles: Yeah, I think it's something I can bring to the team, that I can help the team with. Headers are one of my qualities, maybe not shooting with my feet. [laughs] No, but I think this team is stacked with the ability to score from the number of corners or free kicks that we have. Being able to score is the least we could do.

Timothee: Are you looking forward to the decisive games in the UWCL? We felt this was a team who was really growing into themselves last year, and was halted in their tracks. You were on the score sheet that night at Stamford Bridge. Are you eager to play those games again and show that you're still there?

Gilles: Well we still have the group stage to play first. We don't take anything lightly, and we really take advantage of each game that we're able to play. So we don't look too far ahead, we take pleasure out of it when we can and for the moment that's two games against Brann, a game against Fleury. Those will be good games to play. Whether it's a game at Stamford Bridge or a game in Norway, it's football and it makes us happy. It motivates us the same way.

Timothee: Well, we're really happy that you're staying longer with us.

Gilles: Thank you. Me too.

[wndaswife]

hi rae <3

i’ve come to realise that our last few talks were about me!

so i wanted to know more about u!!!

i remember reading once that u live in Canada? right?i assume it’s very cold there! r there a lot of moose around? we don’t have those here in new zealand. i think they brought them over but they went extinct :(

do u have hobbies? play an instrument?

oh! i seen u reblogged the post for a anonymous message saying what we think of u!!

sooo i’ll do it while i’m hereeeee

i feel u r a very warm person. u probably pay attention to the very last detail. your blog reminds me of the warmth from a campfire if that makes sense. i bet ur a very attentive listener. i like how u respond to anons and stuff because it feels u actually read what they said and took the time to responded accordingly. i find u very funny and omg ur writing!! very well done. trying not to overkill here but ur vv cool.

anyways i hope ur well <33

hello!!! :> we did talk about you in our last talks but there's nothing bad about that, though im happy to tell you anything you wanna know about me!! <3 im really rambling here too it's rly early and i have a lot of energy so this is a forewarning !!!

yep i live in canada!! it's relatively cold but not colder than other places that get regular winters and stuff. i live in the very south part of canada so im a bit warmer here, tho vancouver and especially the north like nunavut and yukon are very cold, so i also see why the entirety of canada is generally viewed as colder than most places

which actually may or may not be true idk but where i am it's not soooo bad, except we do get pretty intense winters here and there. actually this winter a lot of people in my region had a bunch of power/heat outages etc etc for a few days, so winters r usually very cold.. is that normal for people outside of canada?? like on average? 🧐 there is a funny stereotype where we live in igloos and stuff LOL in quebec there's a huge winter festival where people can go to ice hotels and stay there, and those desserts where people pour maple syrup onto snow and eat it is actually real tho i've never tried it

hehehehe that's funny about the moose 😭 i've never seen one!!! i think it's also a popular idea that there r a lot of moose! not around where i live but more secluded nature-y parts of canada, which is mooooost places i think?? i have a bit of an uneducated view maybe because i've always lived around toronto which is very city-like. they're huuuuugeee actually and run super fast god i would wanna see one in person but keep my distance for sure. i have a friend from new zealand! i've never talked to anyone from there before him and his accent was a real mix of things i thought, never imagined i'd hear scottish and australian sounding accents in one person! my friend and i were just talking about how weird it is how there r animals all over the world, like cats in russia or bunnies in egypt or something,, like how did y'all get there for real what are u even doing there (i mean the answer is obvious but it's a slightly weird thought)

ummmm hobbies ah i like to read and write uuuuhhhmm i like graphic design! like i used to do it on adobe photoshop tho i haven't done it in a while, i like to swim (even though it's very rare that i get to) and no i don't play any instruments! took piano lessons for a few months (ish?) before tho. what about you? do you play instruments and what r your hobbies?

thank you so much for saying that T_T that's really really nice of you to say and i think i do make an effort to put that energy across sometimes, it's just nice to be kind and it makes me rly happy to imagine being able to make people feel seen and comforted! i personally really value comfort as well :D ehehe thank u for saying you think im funny that's very sweet and im glad, i think sometimes my humour may not rly reach people 😭 😭 i think you r a really cool and very lovely person too <33

im doing well yes!! thank u for checking in and i hope you've been doing alright too 💓💓💓💓

[cherrycheridarling]

"that was painfully sexist" | t.h.

marvel cast x actress!reader

warnings: sexism and swearing

summary: at a panel for the new avenger's film, the questions differ drastically between the female and male actors on stage.

wc: 1.4k

"Okay, a microphone is coming your way, sir."

"Hi! I'm Leonard with Pop Times Blog. My question is for Y/N." your eyes found the bearded man who stood amongst the crowd of reporters.

You nodded, signalling for him to continue, "Playing Silk or Cindy Moon must've came with a lot of challenges. One of them being the costume you are in for most of the film. Can you speak about that and how it fit?" he paused at your skeptical expression, "Like, we all know the suit is skin tight, so did you eat anything special or workout a lot and are you able to wear anything underneath it? Or do you wear a thong and no bra?"

You let out an unenthusiastic chuckle at his question. Beside you, you could hear your cast mates scoffing under their breath. It was common for the women of the MCU to get asked such questions and it saddened you that people normalized such a thing.

Leaning forward, you clasped your hands together and smiled before Robert reached behind Tom Holland and tapped your shoulder, "Would you like me to say something?"

You shook your head, but gave him a grateful grin before returning to the 'man' that asked you such a question, while maintaining eye contact you spoke, "Well, I think the most difficult part about wearing the Silk costume is taking it off after a long day because of how sweaty I get after shooting," you began to fan yourself dramatically, "It all just clings to my body like a second skin and since I am completely nude underneath, it just adds to the problem." sarcasm dripped from your lips as your cast mates snickered at your words.

You quietly laughed to yourself, "I'm only kidding. That question seemed like such a joke that I presumed you expected a joking answer." you cleared your throat, "In all seriousness, it's an honour wearing the suit and I did visit the gym and do some physical fitness regularly to prepare for the role, as did all my cast mates. As for what I wore underneath," you grinned cheekily, having too much fun messing with the reporter, "A Spider-Man onesie was my go-to."

The whole room let out laughs at your words as Tom grabbed your hand and gave you a small squeeze, feeling sorry that you had to answer such absurd questions.

"I hope everyone doesn't sexualize Cindy Moon. She's only a teenager in the film, so keep it in your pants people. That shit is illegal." Anthony pointed an accusing finger at the crowd.

"Thank you for your thoughtful question, Leonard!" Scarlett spoke up, "I hope you got the answer you were looking for."

"Okay, next person."

You sat back in your seat and fiddled with Tom's fingers as the questions were asked towards your cast mates.

"You handled that impressively well, love." Tom whispered in your ear.

You gave him a smile and a shrug before your name got called again, "My question is for Y/N and Tom Holland." a lady with curly blonde hair stood up, "Since Silk and Spider-Man's abilities are very similar, did you two bond over that during shooting or did it cause some rivalry between your characters due to the similarities?"

You felt a wave of relief at the question, thankful that it wasn't another sexist one. Tom looked at you before answering.

"Yeah, yeah. We bonded a lot over that fact and I don't think it caused any rivalry between us. I hope not." he chuckled before you leaned towards the mic.

"No, no. No rivalry. Just a lot of banter about whose character is stronger and who swings around better. It's a lot of fun having someone on set whose stunts are basically the same as yours. And Tom and I have both agreed that Silk is faster and better than Spider-Man." you said that last part quickly drawing laughs and a gasp from Tom.

He looked at you incredulously, "Not true! Spider-Man's suit is so much cooler than Silk's." he huffed like a child.

You smirked, "Who makes their webbing in a high school chemistry class and who has organic silk coming out of her fingertips that she also used to create her own suit?"

Your friends laughed at the banter beside you before Sebastian started to speak, "I have to agree with Y/N on this one. Silk also has that cool ass eidetic memory."

Chris Evans agreed, "And her Silk Sense is a thousand times stronger than Spider-Man's Spidey Sense."

"Isn't she able to know who an attacker is before she even sees them?" Hemsworth asked to which everyone nodded.

"Sorry, Spidey. Silk's just a top tier hero." Robert patted his shoulder as Tom sulked.

The questions began again as the laughter died down. You leaned over to Tom's ear, "Still love the actor who plays Spider-Man even if his character is inferior to mine." he shook his head with a smile at your words.

Questions ranged from the generic ones of the funniest moments on set to who's most likely to become a villain. Your nerves died down as no incompetent person asked another sexist question. Until one did.

"I have a question for Y/N." she was short with jet black hair, "Being around all these attractive men must be a challenge for you as a young female adult. It couldn't have been easy to control yourself around them. Have you had any sexual relationships with any of them or thought about engaging in any?"

Your jaw hung open at her words and before you could muster up a retort, Tom let his anger get the best of him. Was it his anger, his jealousy or his protectiveness? A mix of all three.

"That was painfully sexist." he spoke into the microphone. "I don't see how any of that is relevant to the film. Y/N is an outstanding actress and it's outrageous that you decide to focus on who she fucks rather than her talent."

"What in the actual fuck did she just ask?" Sebastian added, making you laugh.

Chris Evans spoke up next, "Indeed. I thought this was a promotion for the movie not a real life dating app."

Benedict chuckled, "I fail to see how Y/N's private life holds any relevancy to this panel or the film itself."

"It's twenty-nineteen, people! Leave your sexist ass shit at home!" Anthony exclaimed drawing claps from the cast.

Elizabeth shook her head, "I've had my fair share of inappropriate questions, but nothing as horrid as that."

"First y'all ask about her underwear, now you ask about her sex life? Jesus Christ." Scarlett pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Seriously, she's like a daughter to me. That was incredibly disrespectful." Robert added with a disappointed head shake.

Similar comments were added by the rest of the cast as you felt an overwhelming amount of love wash over you. You were so unimaginably grateful for the people next to you.

"You don't have to answer that." Paul Bettany reminded you.

You shook your head and cleared your throat, "Thank you, guys." you looked to your cast mates, "But I'll answer. No, I have not. This cast is my second family and I've grown greatly as a person with them. I'm immensely thankful for the opportunity to call them my friends. And I agree, these men sitting up here with me are undoubtedly attractive, but they are also a great pain in the ass at times," everyone laughed at your choice of words, "And have I thought about having sex with any of them? Nope. Just Scar, Zoe and Liz." you finished with a wink as the room clapped for you.

You couldn't help but to feel a slight bit of sympathy for the woman. Her question was, without a doubt, uncalled for and unbelievably sexist, but the comments from the cast must've made this her most embarassing moment.

"I'm sure you meant no harm with your question. But a little heads up for next time; most actors prefer to talk about their career and their films rather than who they are laying in bed with. But thank you for coming out. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day." you gave her a genuine smile as she cowered back into her seat.

Robert once again reached over and gave your shoulder a squeeze, proud of how you handled the situation.

Tom interlaced your fingers with his and rubbed small circles on your knuckles.

You really were at home with these people and you couldn't have asked for a better family.

[streaming-yn]

(☁️)

HIIII it's 3 am and i'm trying to sleep but brain went brr with ideas n shit and oh well- thing is ; i was wondering if i could make my first request? (smth simple if u want to, no need to be very long or anything + pls don't rush nd take ur time AND don't feel pressured to actually do my request :] ! ) maybe smth ab faceless art streamer! y/n [they/them]?? (if u could add that the reader is like an indie game dev or works for smth like that u'd be sosososososo cool omg) with maybe quackity, tommy, dream, ranboo, niki and/or jack?? idk brain did the storming and its all messy hsdnshhfjsjz (btw! i know it's a lot of CCs so feel free to remove some or do the ones ur only comfy with !!! take care nd stay safe !!! luv ya <3 (/p))

AS SOMEONE WHO LIKES TO GAME DESIGN, CHARACTER, AND PLOT DESIGN YOU BET I CAN MAKE THE READER AND INDIE GAME DEV (and aaaa ty for adding jack!!! I think he's really neat and not enough people acknowledge him :))!!)

Multiple x indie game dev!artist!y/n

pairings: quackity, tommy, dream, ranboo, niki, jack manifold (separate) x indie game dev!artist!y/n

pronouns: they/them

other information on the reader:

. faceless

. knows how to code

. artist

. streams them drawing video game characters

. minor

. makes indie / horror games

form: headcanons

genre: platonic, fluff(??)

warnings: horror games / horror mods, ranboo enderwalk lore in his section

abbreviations: y/n -> your name

quackity

okay let's get the obvious out of the way; definitely going to be the type of person that's like "I'm going to play this game first after you're finished" yk? playfully ofc, n playfully fight with anyone who says the same thing (*cough* Wilbur, tommy, dream *cough*)

he probably wouldn't be on your art streams often – he doesn't really enjoy watching people draw, but he would want to see the finished pics

he would happily be on voice chat with you while you're drawing though!! :D

would be proud to answer any questions you have about character / scene / etc designs!!

"quackity!! so for this character – check your dms for a current picture – would red or purple antenna be better? also, two or four antenna?"

"*gasp* you're asking me?? 🥺" /j

"y'know what, nevermind, chat wh-"

"NO WAIT WAIT"

"so what do you think?"

also, if you do end up sending him the finished pics of the art he will hype you tf up !!!!

would try to get you make joke games – not like actually, it's just an ongoing bit between you two!

if you make a game for him – or give him a sneak peek of a game before anyone else he's going to freak out!! and he won't really know what to say bc putting feelings into words is hard

if y'all ever meet up and you're fine w hugs he's gonna give you a huge hug, hoping that makes up for the lack of words to describe how just,, proud of you he is bc he really really is!!

you're not even in your 20s yet and you can make video games, or help with them?? not to mention how creative you are with the characters and story line??? he's amazed by you

might actually cry /pos if you base a character off of him

like let's say a part of a puzzle is to get a rubber duck and place it into a pond to get the next hint or thing you need – only when he plays it on stream, he doesn't know anything about the game, so you're watching and waiting for him to get there

when he does get there – he finds out the duck has a beanie and has a white ring appear around it that flashes to life before fading out after picking it up, signifying it was the right thing to get

at first he doesn't really notice the ring, "oh! that animation is different than normal" he notes, but mainly focuses on the beanie, comparing it to himself before he glances at chat to see them freaking out over the planet duck reference

then he's just talking about it, shocked of course but flattered, and then you type in chat "you helped me a ton with things I couldn't decide during this game, I couldn't not add you! :)" everyone's just :(((( !!! /pos

overall supportive n proud, maybe a bit loud about games in progress, but just a really nice guy in general :)

tommy

he is ABSOLUTELY loud about your games in progress!! if you don't want something said you have to tell that to him before telling him or else he's going to brag about how cool it is the next time he streams

"chat!! chat, y/n is making this new game and they told me that one of the outfits you can collect for the player is going to be based off me!- right!! that sounds pog!!"

if he ever accidentally let's anything slip on stream that he was supposed to say, everyone who's a fan of you is just like "wow! suddenly! I cannot hear anymore!", sometimes they're like that even if it was okay to say

the just like being surprised :)

as for art streams, he'll try his best to tune in but obviously won't be there all the time! he's usually very active in chat too! likes being on call with you while you do art streams if you let him!

he once convinced you to make a texture pack and a shader (meant for both to be active at the same time), the fans loved it and a lot of them use it more often than the original!!

tommy however, not to much, proud of you bc that must've been a ton of work!! but at some time it slipped his mind that you make indie and horror games; I think we all know he doesn't do well with horror games

so you liking horror and such made the textures look more ominous and just make it look like and area you don't want to be in, and the spook goes up even more with the shader!! it's darker than usual, there's unusual fog, the portals look too dangerous now, so on and so forth yk

so,, tommy didn't use the texture pack for long;;

if you ever raid him after you're done streaming and he has a question, he's literally just gonna ask you on stream

"y/n raid? oh! are they still here?" when you confirm you're in chat, he continues "great! okay I had a question about your new game that's going to be available soon and how to download it-"

fans love how casual you guys are about game information, like you had to teach him how to export a game character he made on the website you usually make yours on (it was for a fun stream) and it was just a simple back and forth but everyone's like omg :((( omg them :((

also if you're the type of person to go insane over tiny details in other games, he will absolutely tease you for it

like you can just be going on and on about how this game had a sentence at the start that had a backhanded meaning by the end and he's just gonna call you a nerd (genuinely thinks is cool how much of the small things you notice in games though)

dream

COMPLAINING ABOUT CODING AND HOW HARD IT IS 🤝🤝

and if you took other coding classes hoping that I'd help with video game coding he'd just listen to you talk about it

"I actually took robotics for a while before because the school didn't have any video game coding classes and I was hoping it'd help either way" "oh?" "it,, it didn't help, it's so hard to code robots and considering how fast I caught onto video game code you think it'd be easier to understand the robot code" "yeah, that sounds reasonable" "NOPE,, WHY R THEY SO DIFFERENT I ALMOST FAILED" "D:"

fanartists like those moments, if one of those talks happen expect a bit of fanart of just dream and you chilling while you talk and he listens, the art always gives off comfy vibes n it's just cute :)

offering him to play a semi-rough draft of the demo so that he could see if it's good or what you needed to do to make it more enticing for the player

power duo fr fr o/

people like comparing y'all to hackers sometimes bc y'all know how to code???

you play into the bit with the fans though and honestly it's so fun !!!

fans: omg,, hackers (affectionate),,,

you next time you stream: hacker voice; I'm in

AND THEY GOT SHOCKED??? LIKE THEY FORGOT YOU CAN SEE THE STUFF THEY POST????

wouldn't be able to watch your art streams for long because he would get side tracked, the streams are just too under stimulating for his brain to focus on, but he'd hang around as long as he could though :)

would be glad to be on call with you while you're doing an art stream – though if he has is game sounds on you may occasionally have to repeat a question that was aimed at him

you're also in his streams when you can :)

also, you like sending donations to communicate rather than chat

one stream dream turned off his donos because you wouldn't stop giving him money 💀

being friends with such a popular creator and being a game creator yourself has it's downs as well

nothing thats too hard to deal with – the most common one is actually kinda funny – some people will slide in your dms acting like they're dream and just got locked out of his account, trying to get you to make them a game

like ??? do they think that dream would mssg you over Twitter or insta?? he has your phone number bro ,😭

also!!! when dream plays through new games you made he complements the small things and complements how hard something must've been to code :)

and I'm ngl, he kinda sucks with every game he plays at first but he's a quick learner so dw :)

would be glad to help if you're having a difficult time choosing between things too! except he'll answer right away without any teasing

"dreammm" "y/nnnn" "for this area should I do like shattered stone walls or mossy stone walls like with vines n stuff?" "depends on the vibe you want, shattered stone would give it a dangerous and uneasy undertone and mossy stone would be more of ominous, if that makes sense?" "oh! okay, thank youuu!!"

ofc if you didn't have a specific vibe or couldn't choose which was better he would just give a straight up answer so you didn't stress out trying to choose one \o/

would absolutely like being a guest in a drawing stream, he isn't the best at art or character design but it's fun to see him try

maybe you both plus some friends do a "drawing Minecraft mobs from memory" stream? ,, with that the thing is; his would mostly be relatively accurate if you could understand wtf he was drawing 😭

dream may or may or have some of your art as his phone homescreen, he loves your style so much :(( /pos

ranboo

first off; he's incredibly impressed!! like!!! you made this game?? this playable game, completely from scratch??? how??

also you may or may not have made a small Minecraft mod for him to tryout on stream,, little gift from you to both chat n ranboo 🤲

its literally all based off his lore,, if you get close to obsidian and crying obsidian fallen down from Undertale starts playing, if you splash water on yourself 1) you get hurt 2) your screen blacks out and when it comes back, your in a different place than before, some things art taken, maybe a few extra things are added

and there's a 50% chance that when you go into your "enderwalk" state (the blackout) you blow something up, so there may or may not be an explosion somewhere nearby, you also have a 20% chance of building something small in you enderwalk state :)

he found it so incredibly cool!!! chat was crying while complementing you while ranboo thanked you and complemented you over n over again

he won't shut up about how cool the mod is for several weeks, maybe even a few months, it's just so cool!!

will absolutely use it as a comeback if you let him; "oh? you got first place? well y/n made me a really really cool mod, so who's the actual winner here?"

will absolutely play every single game you come out with – it doesn't matter if it's his style or not – and he thoroughly enjoys all of the games as well

as for art streams, he will absolutely try to tune in every time he can!! active in chat and donos!!

doesn't really like being in art streams – like in call is fine but actually drawing? not really, he just doesn't love drawing in front of a ton of people

but will join an art stream if you ask

will listen to you rant about whatever, even if he doesn't understand it! like will listen to you go on and on about how well a game set up the atmosphere or maybe talking about how difficult coding is, and he'll converse back with you but won't really understand yk?

"ranboo I just played a really cool game do you wanna hear about it?" "yeah yeah- of course!!" "ok so like, the atmosphere was so well put together- like it was a horror game and I didn't even see the monster but the vibe was so well put together that it was still unnerving!!" "that's awesome! how did the atmosphere get set up the best and when you saw the monster, was it scarier?"

yk what I mean? like engages in convo so you don't feel bad about talking so much, plus shows his interest without the constant "hm?" "cool" etc a lot of people do and even though he does talk more than the acknowledgment sounds many people make he also manages to almost never sidetrack you and when he does it's on accident :)

if your way of learning is teaching then he'll gladly be the person you teach it to if you want! most likely won't use the information therefore his brain won't retain it but that's not on you, and the whole reason is so you can learn, not him, so! ^^

will make sure to take care of yourself, and he has a through way of telling if you have or not bc he's known you for long enough to know that even if you try to hide it a little bit of your tired voice shows so he knows if you've been sleeping like you should

also friends with you on discord, where you have your Spotify attached,, you like listening to music while you work on things that aren't sound related and if it's active later than it should be he's going to confront you

overall wholesome mixed in with a little pain bc both of you are like "ah yes, lore <3" and like to see fans cry /lh

niki

I feel like this is expected but if you need to get extra motivation she would probably be your go-to

she hypes you up but like, in a sweet and quiet kinda way, where as everyone else here would probably be relatively loud ;;

honored to be on an art stream if you invite her :')

and would absolutely watch your art streams when she can :D hypes you up in chat

also compliments, tons of compliments!

might call you a prodigy? bc you're so young but can already make games?? and make income off of them?? and do really good art??? and so much more??? like tell me that's not prodigy energy,

if you make a video game character based off her she might cry,, like in a positive way obviously but like at the same time :(( no don't cry!!

I say might bc it's dependant on how she feels that day yk? like she might just have the almost-cry wobble to her voice or she might actually, if that makes sense?

she genuinely loves your art style!! even if it's pointy and kinda creepy she really likes it!!

yk the "awww (name) :(" /pos she does sometimes? 100% does that with you

there are a few compilations of just "aww y/nnn" on YouTube and all the comments on those videos are just crying over y'all /pos

would be happy to help if you're stuck between some options in a game, but would feel kinda bad bc it's your game, you're supposed to be the one choosing the stuff

assure her that it's okay n stuff n she'll be ok tho !

I can't decide if she would play your games or not

bc on one hand she's a huge supporter of you and your work and would like to experience it first hand

but on the other hand she isn't the best with scry games,,

so maybe she'd do both? maybe she'd react on stream to a playthrough, maybe your playthrough? or maybe she would only play some of your games? I haven't decided so up to you I suppose!

jack manifold

genuinely amazed by your talent and will make it quite clear!!

can and will go on tangents about you on stream if someone brings it up

everyone is so :(( <333 /pos bc of it

will play the games you've made as soon as he can

if there are different games that line up in a story he'll make sure to play them in order :)

people also sometimes compare you two to hackers bc you code a ton and he kinda looks like a hacker

difference here is that both of you play into the bit, it's tons of fun!!

listen, I know he doesn't draw much but I am a firm believer that he will doodle his favorite character(s) from your games after he's done playing them

like after he plays a game of yours then expect a small doodle in your texts :)

you compiled a bunch of these doodles into one picture and made it you phone background and he only found out after y'all met irl and it caught the corner of his eye and he registered "oh hey wait that looks familiar"

he found out while recording the vlog n when editing, the editor was like "hey let's leave this in, it'd be funny if the fans knew right?" ,, the fans were crying for two weeks,, /pos

and speaking of drawings; he would like to be on a drawing stream with you, thinks it's be tons of fun!! :D

and he's usually free to call while your streaming and doesn't mind so if you wanna talk to him while drawing just call :)

and he will watch the streams he can make it to!! he may leave a bit early but he stays for the majority of it

if you make a character based off of him he's going to constantly thank you and brag about how cool you are anywhere he can

"hello manifolders, if you haven't done it already go download (game name)! I'm there!" with a ss of his character from the game and he'll reply to the tweet on his alt to talk more about the game and how much he really liked it :)

another that'll help you were you need it! he'll make it into a joke before anything else, but he'll get to the point

taglist (sorry i forgot to do it on the past two): @cvsmixplant // @l0ver0fj0y // @youngstarfishdinosaur

[azaleavi]

“All of the songs are about you”

Requested by anon: Hi, first of all I want to thank you for all your amazing work that you share with us, I absolutely adore everything that you write!!! Secondly, I was wondering if I could request something with Sebastian, where reader is a famous singer and younger than him, and when they reveal their relationship, people start saying that he is only using her and he gets worried that she will leave him for someone her age. Once again, thank you! 😚

Word count: 2k

Author's note: Thank you for your kind words dear nonnie! I hope you like it.

Warning(s): language

Feedback is always appreciated and don’t forget to reblog and like if you enjoyed it and want to see more. Thank you!

Masterlist

Both of you being famous wasn't easy with you being a singer and Sebastian being an actor. Especially when you wanted to keep your relationship a secret and you were quite younger than him. You have been dating for a while now and you couldn't be more in love with him. He was your muse for many of your songs, but the fans didn't know that. They did notice though that you started writing more love songs than before. You got questions about it almost every day, but you never answered them. They had their speculations, but you never confirmed any of it. It might be selfish, but you wanted to keep him all to yourself and both of you agreed to wait a little more before going public. He was promoting his new movie and you didn't want people to think that you announced your relationship only to give more publicity to it. But sometimes the universe doesn't care what you want.

It was a normal day, like any other, when you were at Sebastian's house and you started craving some McDonald's. The weather was nice for the time being past 10 pm so you decided to go out to buy it instead of ordering. It was dark already so you weren't afraid that anybody would see or recognize you. It was a five minute walk from his house and you thought it would be nice have a short walk. You waited for Sebastian to lock the front door then started walking down the street hand in hand. It probably wasn't the best idea, but you really didn't think that any paparazzi would be near you. You went into the fast food place to buy what you needed, then started walking back to his place, laughing at a story he was telling you. You loved these late night walks, the dark giving you a sense of comfort.

"Baby" he stopped walking as still giggled, making you stop as well. You turned to him, eyebrows raised in question, a smile still on your face. "I love you" he blurted out, intently looking at you, waiting for your reaction. He never said it before, despite dating for almost 6 months now. You didn't say it either yet, not wanting to make him uncomfortable or rush him. After his last relationship he wanted to be extra sure when saying the three words and you understood him. Your heart skipped a few beats at his confession, the smile widening on your lips.

"I love you too, Seb." you beamed, stepping closer to him and pulling him into a hug.

"Thank god." he mumbled into your hair, making you pull away.

"What do you mean 'thank god'? How could I not feel the same way about you? Haven't you heard the songs I wrote lately?" you asked jokingly in disbelief, but knowing he didn't mean it like that.

"You know what I mean" he blushed under the light of the streetlamp.

"I do" your arms going around his neck you pulled him down into a deep kiss. When you broke apart you walked back to his house to finally eat.

What you didn't realize was that there was a paparazzi following you, getting the perfect angle of your kiss, taking a series of photos.

The next morning you were woken up by your phone essentially exploding with calls and messages. You groaned as you reached for it, barely being able to touch it as Sebastian refused to let go of your waist.

"Why is your phone waking us up at the ass crack of dawn?" he groaned, rubbing his eyes.

"I don't know" you unlocked it to see at least 25 calls from your manager and another few from friends and family. Around the same amount of texts were sent as well, making you sit up in bed, confused. "Something is wrong." he sat up at your tone to look at your phone. You dialed your manager, putting it on speaker. She picked up right away.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she almost screamed into the device, making Sebastian look at you.

"I was sleeping. It's 7 am." you explained.

"Care to tell me why is you and Sebastian kissing plastered on every news site on the internet right now?" your whole world stopped at her words.

"What did you say?" Sebastian spoke up as you were still frozen in your spot.

"Oh your partner in crime is there too? Great. I don't have to say this twice." she was being sarcastic, but you didn't care. You just wanted an explanation.

"Tell us what is happening, please" you pleaded.

"There are multiple pictures of you going around. They are claiming that they took them last night." she explained, but that wasn't enough.

"What pictures?" you asked.

"Pictures of you holding hands and kissing." you ran your hand through your hair.

"Fuck" Sebastian sighed.

"That's an understatement." you heard shuffling on the other side. "So I recommend you guys figure out what you are going to do and do it real fast because it is getting out of hand."

"Yeah, sure we will do that." he took the phone from you. "Thanks."

"Just doing my work." she ended the call with a sigh. Sebastian looked at you as you stared at your legs, deep in thought.

"Hey" he brushed his hand up your back, shaking you out of your mind.

"Yeah?" you looked at him, startled.

"We need to do something." he explained.

"Yeah, yeah, sure. What should we do? Go public? I mean we don't really have any other choice." you furrowed your brows.

"Do you want that?" he wanted you to be hundred percent okay with whatever you were going to do.

"Yes, I just hoped it wouldn't happen like this." you sighed. "Do you want that?" you asked back.

"Yes. We already talked about going public so I guess we will have to do it now." he shrugged.

"How are we doing this then?" you stood up to get dressed, getting ready for the day.

"Posting a video on TikTok?" he grinned.

"Absolutely not. We are not posting on Tiktok." you shook your head, laughing.

"So where do you want it? Facebook?" he raised his eyebrows, joking.

"No." you laughed. "I was thinking about posting a pic on Instagram." you threw out the idea. Both of you used the app a lot so it would be the best choice.

"Okay, let's find a picture." he also stood up.

"Ah-ah" you held out your hand to stop him. "You talk to your manager while I pick out a picture to post on my account and you can post one on yours if you want to. Mine is going to be a surprise." you grinned, already having one in mind. It was your favorite picture of you, taken by a friend without your knowledge. You were in a parking lot at the beach, you sitting on the hood of his car while he was standing between your legs, kissing you. There was a second picture, where you were leaning your forehead against his, both of you laughing at your friends shouting at you to get a room. Both of your faces were clearly seen on them so you decided to post both of them.

'All of the songs are about you' the caption read. In seconds your notifications were blowing up with comments from fans. You didn't want to read them, because you knew how people on the internet could get and you knew that you being younger than him would bother some of them. Sebastian came out of the bedroom to sit next to you.

"You posted it?" he asked, taking out his phone.

"Yep" you smiled. You leaned your head against his shoulder as he opened the app, waiting for his reaction. He immediately searched up your name and tapped on the photo. His thumb froze on the little heart as he read the caption. He put the phone down and grabbed your chin to pull you to his soft lips in a kiss.

"I love you." he mumbled into your lips.

"I love you too." you giggled. He pulled away to pick up the phone to leave a comment. 'If I wrote songs mine would be about you too' you snorted at it. "You are cute"

-

A few days later you had enough courage to check the comments people were leaving online. Maybe it wasn't the best idea.

'Jesus. Isn't he like 12 years older than her?? Gross'

'He is definitely using her lmao but I can't blame him, get that coin king'

'Y'all think she calls him daddy in the bedroom kjsdnhs'

'She is just using him to write songs'

There were nice comments as well, calling you cute together and wishing you well. The mean comments always stuck with you more though and you didn't want Sebastian to read them. It was enough that you went through them. Both of you were a little insecure about your age gap, but you loved each other so you helped the other through the harder times.

You got to his house and walked in as he asked you to not to knock anymore. You found him sitting on his couch, phone in hand. Hoping that he wasn't doing what you thought he was doing you sat down next to him. He had instagram open.

"Seb" you sighed, taking the phone out of his hands.

"What? I just wanted to see what they were saying." he tried to defend himself.

"You shouldn't read these." you shook your head. "So you wanna watch a movie?" you changed the subject. He agreed with your suggestion.

The movie had been playing for a half an hour when he pulled away from your cuddling.

"What if they are right?" his voice was so quiet so almost didn't hear him. You paused the movie to look at him.

"What do you mean?" you asked, confused by his sudden outburst.

"The comments saying that you could do so much better than me" he kept looking at his feet. You sat up and grabbed his chin to turn his head towards you, your heart breaking at his words. This was exactly why you didn't want him to read them.

"Baby" you sighed. "They are not right. Not even by far. I could not find anyone better than you even if I tried. But I'm not trying because I have you with me and you are the best thing that happened to me in a long time. So get that thought out of your head." you stared into his eyes to get your point across.

"But don't you want someone your age?"

"No I don't." you shook your head. "I am perfectly happy with you and I don't need anyone else." you held his cheeks between your palms. "Plus I like it that you are older." you smirked making him chuckle lightly. Climbing onto his lap you pulled him closer. "I love it that you are more experienced." you pressed a soft kiss on his cheek. "I love it that you are taller." a kiss under his ear. "I love it that you are always so so sweet to everyone you meet." a kiss on his nose. Your right hand went into his hair as your lips kissed down to his neck. "And I love the way you make me feel when it's just the two of us." you whispered into his ear, your breath hitting his skin, making him let out a moan. He grabbed your waist in a strong grip. "I love how big your hands are." you nipped at his skin on his neck earning another noise of pleasure and his fingers digging into your skin. "But most importantly" you pulled away so you could look into his eyes to show your sincerity. "I love you. All of you. With everything I have." his eyes softened as he pulled you into a passionate kiss.

"I love you too."

Permanent taglist: @byatomoe

Sebastian Stan taglist: @wobblymug @sleutherclaw @toms-spiders @sarcastically-defensive17 @allforkook @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @mrsbarnesinmyimagination @bbl32 @wakandabiitch2

get added to my taglist

[theunaestheticstudyblr]

Autism and School

Autism affects many aspects of your life, not just social ones like many people think. Autism often occurs with depression, anxieties, OCD, and other mental illnesses. It also presents differently in males than it does in females, making it pretty hard to diagnose sometimes. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 21. I didn't know much about it but I did a TON of research because it scared me to be honest. Reading all about it made so much sense with how I act, but my cousin said something that helped more. She told me that it's something that I've always had my entire life it's just now it has a name. Nothing changed.

But doing research helped me learn a lot and change how I do things to make it easier because you can only run into a brick wall for so long. I hope I can help educate people who didn't even know where to begin like me as well as provide a place for conversation to happen and tips spread.

I have found that studying can be really hard especially when your head doesn't want to cooperate. You yell at it to do this thing but it says you can only do the other thing and it drives you insane. I find that fighting it doesn't help much. Instead, I have to bribe my brain. If I study for an hour, I get to play video games. Usually hyperfixation kicks in while studying and I focus well, forgetting about my reward. Sometimes though, every minute is pain and overwhelming. When that happens, I give myself a break. Honestly I don't know if doing so just feeds the behavior like giving into OCD things or not, but I don't know how else to mitigate that.

For projects, I try to force a hyperfixation by finding something in it I find cool. Then presenting isn't as bad because hey this is super cool and my brain wants me to tell everyone. But finding that thing gets hard and can make a project content heavy in only one part while very lacking in other parts. So I try to find small points in every topic (which is draining tbh).

Keeping on top of a schedule is honestly the best thing I have done for myself. It helps make sure I eat, hydrate, work, shower, and clean without freaking out over something. It also allows me to monitor foods and activities and see how they impact me mentally and physically, allowing me to make more educated decisions for myself. I know now that if I read in the afternoon, I tend to be calm the rest of the day whereas if I sleep in past 9 or 10am I know I will be stressing and freaking out all day.

Some days going to classes are difficult. That's why I wear makeup. I hate wasting money. If I put on makeup but stay home, I've wasted that makeup, time, and money. So therefor putting on makeup forces me to go to class. I also use this trick when I'm really depressed and I know I need to leave the house.

I find that focusing in class is easier when I have a distraction present as well. That way I'm not trying to focus on focusing and then getting stressed and anxious. Instead I let myself have a distraction which keeps me calm and happy and let's me focus without trying to force it.

I keep comfort items with me wherever I go as well which helps me be calm and happy. I feel more secure in class. Jackets are amazing for this for me. They give me a chance to "hide" and be cozy and focus. Journals are also great. I used to journal a lot and definitely need to get back into it.

I don't know a whole bunch about stimming or anything like that and most of what I read is targeted towards parents or children and it doesn't help much. From what I've interpreted, it's something to help ease anxiety and give your brain something to do while focusing on something but beyond that I am completely lost. A lot of autism tips say try stimming but fail to go into detail as to how and what, since many people have been able to grow up with help and education towards their autism so it's seen as common knowledge in the community. Other things I have no idea how to even go about is helping when my brain just freaks out. Like if something isn't done specifically and I break down and stuff. Its not the same as my OCD break downs and rituals. And hypersensitivity also. It is absolutely horrible and I have zero idea how to help that too, so if you know, I'd love to hear!!!!

Share your experiences, tips, and advice as well with autism and classes if you feel safe doing so. I would love to hear more about it all and would enjoy any advice y'all provide. I'm always looking for things to help!!!