#so exited for the new life
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Embrace the void, and have the courage to exist.
Graduating college tomorrow and I thought I’d decorate my cap to say @danielhowell’s famous quote from his “We’re All Doomed” tour. His and @amazingphil’s videos really got me though these last two semesters of college and his quote has helped me reflect on how I will move going forward in life and what it has in store for me! Thanks Dan and Phil!🧡
-Kristy (@nothoughtsonlytrance)
#college graduate#class of 2024#dan and phil#dnp#phil lester#daniel howell#dan and phil games#phan#amazingphil#dan howell#so exited to begin this new chapter of my life!#heydanandphil
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YOU — “No. There is still a chance.”
DOLORES DEI — “You think so?” Her voice is weary.
EMPATHY — Everything about her is weary. She is the Innocence of weariness, of heroically borne suffering.
CONCEPTUALIZATION — That is the picture you have painted for yourself, at any rate.
YOU — “You looked back. That’s the memory, the moment, that I can’t stop returning to. You looked back. I had a chance, for just that moment…”
DOLORES DEI — She meets your eye, gaze still forever cast back over her shoulder. Time stops. The stars are stilled, the ocean silent. There is *nothing* beyond this memory. Nothing at all. All of infinity is contained in this single moment when anything and everything was possible.
“Oh, Harry…” She sighs, soft as eiderdown. “We never had any chance.”
And just like that, the wave of time collapses under its own weight, obliterating everything. This moment was six years ago. She is gone from here. Gone, gone…
PAIN THRESHOLD — You cannot leave. There was nothing outside of this moment, and now there is nothing at all. It’s all gone. There is no point. I’m sorry. I can’t do this any longer.
VOLITION — Please, don’t say that…
“Okay. Well, fuck me, then.”
“How would *you* know?! You gave up! You didn’t even try!”
“We *must* have had a chance, at some point… Doesn’t everyone get a chance, if nothing more?”
“How could you say that…?”
DOLORES DEI — “Because it’s true,” she says, matter-of-fact. “There is no moment in time that you can turn back to, no branching paths, no infinity. There is only what happened. I looked back… and then away.” She closes her eyes, turning her back to you.
“The moment ended. *We* ended. That is all.”
SHIVERS — A wave crashes against an unseen shore, ocean spray tickling the back of your neck. You shiver, but no one shivers with you. You are alone in this intersection. Why are you here?
“Why can’t *I* end?! Why can’t this all just stop? Please, make it stop…”
“Ended? I’ve barely even started! I got a chance to start completely over as somebody new! I don’t need you anymore! You’re just dead weight to me now.”
“No. That wasn’t the real ending. We’re a part of something so much bigger than this intersection, telling a story that encapsulates all of history! There’s *more* to this, it *means* something.”
“Then… What am I supposed to do now…?”
DOLORES DEI — “No, Harry.” She turns back to you again now, and she looks… sad.
“We were not metaphors. We were people. Our narrative was not intelligently designed. It simply followed the patterns of history, because those are the only patterns we *know.* We tried to create something new, but we failed. There is no narrative reward for our failure, no satisfactory ending. There is only the immutable past and the unknowable future.”
RHETORIC — There is no assurance of what is good or deserved or what may bring relief. There is no assurance of punishment, either. There is no assurance of anything. Not even of a future. I don’t know what to say to make this bearable.
VOLITION — Even so… As long as you live, *something* is promised. Can you live with that?
I can’t, I just can’t do this anymore…
I can. It’s enough.
I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I can at least try for a little longer…
VOLITION — That’s all I ask. That’s enough.
#disco elysium#harry du bois#dolores dei#suicide tw#ummmmm haha *twirls hair*#sorry this isn’t more of the dolores saga im really trying to get back into the swing of things 😭#this is smth that won’t make it into the saga but that i was thinking about nonetheless#im not too fond of the whole ‘’dora is literally dolores dei’’ thing tbh#i feel that the mundanity is what makes their story impactful#and also just. makes it feel like somebody is kinda going overboard on projecting onto their proxy ex. lmao 😭#idk like the metaphor gets a little TOO metaphorical for me. but that’s just my onion. im an rgu fan so who am i to judge#anyway this is more my take on the harry/dora story#which is that dora was Just Some Guy and ultimately we have to live w the fact that we’ll never get the full story#because she literally exited the narrative#we can speculate about what her and harry’s relationship was like and how much of the blame is on each of them#dora’s lack of class consciousness vs harry’s violent misogyny etc etc#and like. it’s not that there’s no value in examining those things bc there definitely is value in it#in examining what patterns you DO see repeating in your life and in the world around you#that is what politics is really… examining the system and all its moving parts#but ultimately the past is immutable… our perception of it changes as we gain new context and understanding but what’s past is past#and there is no way of knowing with any certainty what the future holds#that’s where the overlap of all of these political and personal conflicts is for me#and why it comes back to harry questioning whether it’s worth it to even live#it’s about whether or not you can live with the grief of the past and the uncertainty of the future#i want to learn to live with it… to work toward building a future that i want to live in#anyway. coughs
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Flashback to the time I started writing my first fanfic and during that time period I fainted several times, my dog died, my computer got hacked, and my friends left me but as soon as I stopped writing bad stuff stopped happening to me, is this a sign?
#fanfiction#why?!?#im still going to start a new fic#it’s been like 5 months since I’ve written anything for myself#and if everything starts going wrong in my life then it will prove that I’m cursed#im so exited to write my#valgrace fanfic#tho#like im still plotting but after that I think I’ll try to update it once a week#we will see#it may or may not happen#I’ll try#I can’t go back to my old fic tho because it was a Wilbur centric modern au
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nothing is more humbling then a 8-years-old telling me i don't know how to draw and then demands of me to draw power puff girls for her all afternoon long!
#this bubbly princess running on pure water french fries and exactly 4 counted tortellini#is the absolute art director in my living room#she want's power puff girls so power puff girls shall it be#“do you know power puff girls?”#“i am 28 years old child”#(child that can't even name them) “yes... but do you know the powerpuff girls?”#other reply were “you had TV back then???”#“how were you able keeping them apart when they were black and withe?”#also child: “i need all my fingers and all my toes to be your age!” (she was odly exited and proud of that realisation... )#also she got home with my old grafic tablet and is now a nightmare to my uncle hahah#uncle plugged the old thing in and this child is drawing on paint as if her life depends of it!#you are welcome world! new artist is born!#kids are being kids! which is good!
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How it feels to see one of the alleged leaks is ANOTHER Doctor Lite episode in S15 that focuses on Ruby working with UNIT:
#just...again???#WE HAD TWO LAST SEASON#how you expecting us to get to know and care about this doctor and any of his companions#if these lite episodes keep happening#also fucking ruby working with unit...oh boy#i do miss the days when companions just#EXITED and led their own lifes#and didnt get draggd into joining the military organzation or helping them somehow#because so far that isnt happening is it with this new era of doctor who#and unit...just...unit#remember when unit was a rare appearence? need to go back to that#its giving still trying to have pro-military storylines in doctor who
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i may or may not be questioning a whole new ahh religion like how are poeple this dumb but like not dumb because human survival instincts i just dont feel human as a whole but like not in a nonhuman way i just cant explain the major crowd herding happening right now and nobody noticing exept me
idk man its hard for me to put it into words
anyways have a lil speculative dude meant for changing gravity lolol
#goofy goof#doodle#i know this is just my insane declining mental health but#it just feels so real to me#and makes so much sense#i dont want to say too much#i cant even say too much because of the lack of english human words#im just 14 man why do i know this#im supposed to like lisa frank and gossip in highschool and shit#not lay in bed for hours at a time left alone with the horrors my mind comes up with#i like speculative evolution guy#hes cool#idek how i made him#i just thought#like#different things#i wanna go back in time#earth is so small#life is so small to me#i want bigger#but i know i will never get that#no human will ever get the exitement of discovering a new animal#because we have discovered it all already#our space rock is too small for me#i want to go out and see things the human mind and eyes cant even comprehend#im so tired of animal parts#i need more#so much more#never ending more
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Words cannot explain the stress frenzy I worked myself into trying to pick a new laptop.
#personal#there are other major sources of stress in my life right now and they have all filtered out into my search for a perfect laptop#i have annoyed every single person in my life with my search#note that i plan to use this laptop mostly so i can write outside of the house and not on my phone#this has been going of for months#i think i might go with this other refurnished hp with a touch screen#it has better battery life than the other one i found (2 to 4 hours sounds relatively reasonable) and it's only 555km#i have 100 in my spare chang piggy bank and I'll get another 50 for my birthday#so it would cost me 400km in total#unless the new one I liked comes back to sale in the next day or two#but i think I'm being a cheap statke again and that's not good because i might get trash again#yes i know it's not that deep#but my sister's husband is sick i am fuckin depressed and i want to kms most days and i hate my job and my exitance#let me care about this laptop because that's like one thing I can fix
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august after clawing his way up out of a grave thinking hes in hell from seeing everything looks like it was set on fucking fire
#him dying right before everything happened savdd his life#nothing special about him . just some normal kid who died of natural causes#man didnt know what he was signing up for 💀💀💀#since he was buried underground his body didnt get baked into stone#he was dead for a few good centuries eternal rest put on pause when he wakes up and starts choking on dirt#his grave was near where a star exitted the earth’s crust . so he was brought back .#things that shouldnt be alive coming to life 😁doesnt stop at inanimate objects#a shard of the star tjat was lost in takeoff shot right down into its grave and lodged itself in his chest .#like a new heart#and for the next few years the lifegiving energy from it started regrowing him from just dusty old bones
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I hate the Brussels airport I’m going to kill myself
#this is hell#I’m going to end up spending my entire day here I can feel it#none of these lines move and then the staff are so rude ‘why are you so late’ like bitch I was in your line#and now I’ll have do do security again because I had to exit to try and get a new flight#if there isn’t a flight I’m going to just die#fuck my life#hell
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Sorry if this is an invasive question but why would your parents block TUMBLR OF ALL APPS??😭😭
UHH so if u saw my posts back in june 2021 just before i deactivated then u would kno the answer ,,
#basically my mum caught me using tumblr on my laptop and well hell unleashed LMAO#(i was using it during online class so fair… BUT)#she was especially angry then so she kept my laptop and other devices hostage for some time#THEN WHEN I GOT A NEW LAPTOP SO MUCH STUFF WAS BLOCKED#insta pinterest (they attempted to block Spotify browser too + i can use pin now tho)#AND MY BELOVED TUMBLR TOO#that dear nonie was when i lost my life and exited my prime#mailbox#nonie
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Wew it's late but continyouing to mull about work things..
#lifes been opening up in some areas and closing up in others.#after the rsa balls up a few nights ago me n my bosses had a really good long chat after work about how things need to change#and something one of them said has got me worried. the long and short of it is that theyre in a position where all of them could#be without jobs in 4 months if the business doesnt pick up#so alot of changes are gonna be happening which is exiting. new menu new cocktails and best of all.#there'll be a shift manager actually in the bar with us#more than half the time#im a little forlorn about one of my fav managers leaving in a few weeks tho#we've started to really get along as mates in the last few months but she's leaving to start a nursing job at the town next door#hope she swings by from time to time#orite im garn go to bed i could mope about the transient nature of eachothers lives and relationships all night <3#good morning to the rest of u
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I'm focusing so hard on getting my art done every day that I keep forgetting at the end of this taemin will actually be back.... idk why I'm so nervous about it now that I can see the end haha >_< both him coming back and the daily art thing ending.... I think I'm kinda gona miss it even tho it's so much work 😭
#99.txt#also i kno this sounds dumb but what if taem comes back and suddenly i hate him 💀#like it wont happen but. like what if#or his comeback is really bad like really really bad. it would never happen but what if it happened#idk i just worry avout everything >_< especially when expectation are so high lol#im really glad i did 100tae tho ^_^ we're really closing in.......#its been hard but my art has really improved and also my skill ?#like even if i produce something of the same quality as before#its way easier and quicker.... and more consistent i feel like#like i dont feel like im foghting for my life nearly as much .yeah#maybe ive found some sort of comfort zone yeh but i also feel like#i know how to exit it when i want to and try new stuff (very important to me)#yeah
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I do not like children.
My sister called me today to tell me she is pregnant and she wants me to be involved in the kid's life and while I knew she was trying to get pregnant and that she would say somethin along those lines I still don't know how to breach the whole "i hate kids and don't want to make exceptions"
I like literally feel so uncomfortable around kids bc they are gross, messy, and do not understand boundaries. Even when they are older they are ticking time bombs of something or other.
But I have decided if she's going to try to force this child onto me i will simply be left with no choice but to convert them into a wiccan with a deep-seated fascination in snakes and arachnids and an artistic perspective that destruction is their favorite form of creation.
She also told me she got them genetically tested. Which I feel slightly conflicted about. It supposedly came back not showing anything. I'm not sure it should be treated as an end all be all though. With that said if the kid ends up being ND, ive no idea how she interacts with ND kids especially if a Certified Scientific Genetic Test said no they aren't.
Anyway that will be an interesting long term development for the coming years that i did not want or ask for. much like the rest of my life. fabulous. i make all this effort to avoid having children in my life and here we are. speaks to how well she does not know me.
#children have my respect at a distance#i just want nothing to do with them.#sure there are exceptional children who behave well. they are usually traumatized into 'behaving well' and thats just triggering#so either the kids annoy me or trigger me back to my childhood.#its just not a good time.#im great with kids but i do not like them.#please respect me and do not bring children near me.#as soon as she said she could travel with an infant i almost threw myself out of a window. but im not up high enough for it to kill me#she knows where i live. i need to move tomorrow.#i stg if this turns into some stereotypical ran away from home and show up on your bitter uncle's doorstep troupe i will exit life#im not taking responsibility. i will not have a child in my home.#you have a few years to adopt a new sibling to pretend to be their uncle. they can find out the truth when theyre older and understand
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31/01/2023
last two weeks of classes. exams are just around the corner
#ahhh!#i am so nervous#and not ready#so much to study#but somehow also a bit exited?#i hope it goes well#uni life#advice#university studyblr#productive#personal growth#self improvement#new studyblr#myhoneststudyblr#college student#college studyblr#stay productive#stemblr#student#student life#studinspo#study#study blog#study hard#study inspiration#study with me#studyblr community#study motivation#studyblr#studystudystudy
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god my throat is raw from yelling / panicking. And part of me is wary wondering if it’ll happen again. omgggg
#purrs#i think i knew it was a false alarm it just didn’t feel real. but what fucked me up is that i couldn’t t honk of what to bring. i knew we#we’re close to an exit so we would be fine and i know you’re not supposed to delay getting out and that the stuff is just stuff. but my#journals and diaries.. like i brought them all here for some new years reflections and i couldn’t bring myself to bring any of them. or my#sketchbook. or my switch or ds with my animal crossing town. idk. i guess smth flashed through my head like so much of what matters to me#is digital now but that’s not fucking true at all. why did i have a hard time deciding and brought nothing when my sketchbook is the most#important thing i have i think bc it’s my scrapbook / diary. it just fucked me ip so bad. now im staring at the ceiling and my throat hurts#and im going to be so tired tomorrow. that was so scary#we didn’t even make it outside bc the alarm stopped before we left the room bc we were scrambling to find coats and masks (lol) and them my#mom called the front desk and they said it was a false alarm. so idk. for those 45 seconds it could’ve been life or death and that’s so much#to think about. everything important went out the window it was just like wtf is even happening rn and my dad said it was a fire and i was l#like how do you know. ugh. that was so scary#like what fucked me up was. all the pieces of me are spread so thin in so many journals and shit that idk which one to bring. i would have t#to take the complete collection. and i can’t do that so i have to leave all of them. that’s the choice i made in that primal moment. it#QUITE LITERALLY does not matter and is not the most important part of this to be worried abt / fucked up over but that really shook me
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Dont know which would be worse
#having only myself to blame or being able to point fingers at my parents#sometimes i do both. i blame myself but also my parents but then i look at my sister who had the same parents#and she still has a more fullfilling social life than i do#she has her few friends but her friendships are so fulfilling she doesnt want any more#and then you have me fighting tooth and nail to meet new people#and still feel incredibly lonely most of the time#i love the friends i have but i feel alone regardless#it's like i dont have anyone to really count on. which is selfish. but i've always felt like a reserve friend#if that makes sense. like ''she'll be there regardless''. like i'm in a reserve room incase anyone should need me#i'm convinced there's something wrong with me. something i just cant manage to do right#i know i shouldnt hold on to the past but how if it affects my present#i always feel so awful when i see and hear about the concept ''friendships formed during childhood & adolescense are the most special''#and everyone i know left that phase with a best friend. and a couple good friends#and i left it feeling like i just. you know how schools are crowded places and you exit from the door and everyone goes home#i felt like while everyone was leaving with at least someone i was leaving it alone#like watching everyone walk away with each other and i'm walking out alone#like. like i was just surrounded by so many people when did it become so empty#i wish i had at least that one person with whom i have that very special bond#i feel like i have no one to really count on. no one needs me while i need someone#i'm scared of my future too like i'll remain this lonely for a long time. bc what will happen with me#when i've already lost my chance in school and uni#uni was atrocious it started with covid and all my classes were completely online the first two semesters#i somehow managed to make three friends that are very dear to me#but as i said. i'm looking for that one special connection and i think this search for it will be my demise 🤣#anyway i feel like if i continue it will get less comprehensible#nesi rants
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