#so first we went to a psychiatrist and it was really weird cuz i knew him

[han-and-kai]

im just gonna vent in the tags a bit

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #449-450

(both from yesterday)

What do you dislike about the house you live in? It's in the suburbs. Have you thought more about your funeral, or your wedding? My hypothetical wedding. Dinosaurs or unicorns? DINO BOIZ. What do you think of Maroon 5? I like some of their old stuff, and one or two of their newer songs, like "Payphone." What about Coldplay? I enjoy them. Fall Out Boy? Love 'em. Katy Perry? She's okay, I guess. There are a few songs I enjoy. Have you ever snuck into an R-rated movie when you weren’t old enough to see it without parents? No. What is your favorite Disney show? I don't have the slightest clue what's on Disney nowadays. What do you miss most about elementary school? Digging tunnels in the sandbox during recess with my friends. :'( When was the last time you saw the person you had your first kiss with? The start of February 2017. Hard to believe it's been four whole years... Is there anything hanging from the doorknob in your room? Ha, yes. Mom got me a little sign that says, "If I can't wear my flipflops, I'm not going," lmfao. All I wear are flipflops. What's your opinion on wearing pajamas in public? Do you yourself do that? I LITERALLY couldn't care less. I wear pjs in public sometimes; it really depends on where I'm going. What was the most severe punishment your parents gave you when you were growing up? Taking away technology was the worst. Do you usually fill up at the same gas station? Mom goes to a few different ones, depending on proximity and price. Have you ever owned any pet birds? What kinds/colours? I have not. I used to want a cockatiel for a long time, though. Do you pay much attention to your YouTube recommendations? If so, what was the last video that caught your attention? Kinda, I guess. I'm not sure what was the last recommended video I clicked. What has been the happiest time of your life so far? It's complicated. Most of my best memories are from high school with Jason, yet at the same time I was HORRIBLY depressed. I think my most pure happiness when I was really progressing with recovery. Moving on from him, losing tons of weight, feeling motivated... Have you ever had a crush on a celebrity? Who? My two biggest celebrity crushes ever have been/is Link Neal and Mark Fischbach. Do you have any fears you would rarely admit to anyone? Nah. Admitting fears isn't a big deal to me at all. What website do you spend most of your time on? YouTube. What did you have for dinner last night? A chicken sandwich. What could you talk about for hours? Meerkats, Silent Hill, Mark... Do you have a lamp beside your bed? Yes. What's your favorite ice cream topping? Chocolate syrup. What was the last TV show you binge watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender. Would you rather eat burgers or tacos? Oh, burgers for sure. I don't likes tacos. Did your mother change her maiden name when/if she got marred? Yes. Do you use TikTok? Nope. Are you closer to your mother or father? Mom. Do you own any costumes? No. Would you care if your SO went to a strip club? Hm. So long as they're not laying hands on any of the strippers and they ASKED me first, I don't think I'd care? I'm pretty sure I'd also only be okay with that if we were a long-term couple where very strong trust has been built. How helpful are your parents to you? Would they help you to pay for your first apartment? College? Where does the line end? They are so, so very helpful and I'm pretty sure would go to the ends of the earth to help me in any way they could. I know they WOULD help pay for the things you mentioned, but it's not something I want them to do. I want to be able to financially provide for myself, one day... Have you ever had to evacuate due to natural disaster? No. What video games did you have when you were growing up? LOADS. I looooooooved video games. What was the first election you ever voted in? This last one, actually. Can you hear anything right now? Yeah. I'm watching Gab play the Resident Evil 3 remake on hardcore mode. What's the coolest, most unusual pet you can think of? I've always thought sugar gliders were quite interesting as pets. I wanted one for a looong time, but I am not informed on how well they do in captivity and if it should even be legal for me to truly want one anymore. Have you ever seen a UFO or other weird object in the sky? By definition, it was a UFO. Sometimes I do even wonder if it was an alien spacecraft, given JUST how strange that shit was. I won't explain it again, just 'cuz I've done it in many surveys before. Are there any albums you know every single lyric to? I could probably nail Ozzy's Black Rain. What's your go-to painkiller? Advil. Does your mom have a celebrity look-alike? No, but there's a celebrity with her exact name. Do you think it’s pretty when 100s of balloons are let loose into the sky? NO NO NO NO NO that shit is SO upsetting. Where do you think they end up??? It's littering. Animals get choked and tangled by them all the time. What do you draw more than anything else? Definitely meerkats. Have you ever visited someone in a psychiatric home or ward? No, but people have visited me in one. Have you ever received a parking fine? No. Are you in any group chats? Who's in them? No. Do you have a lisp? No. Do you have an Instagram account? Do you use it often? I have three, but one's pretty much dead. I don't post stuff regularly on my other two either, really... Can you parallel park? I would absolutely hit another car. Have you ever played paintball? Did you get hit? No, that shit's dumb. You can get really hurt. What was your favorite fairy tale when you were a kid? Maybe Little Red Riding Hood? Are your parents still together? If not, do you know why? No. Mostly financial disagreements, but I know there's stuff I don't know. Have you ever been evicted? Why? Yes, because we couldn't keep up with rent. Have you ever worked as a manager or supervisor? Noooo. What was the last thing you voted for? So Snake Discovery (a reptile channel I love) hosted an enclosure build-off recently, and the winners were selected by fans via voting. The guy I voted for got 3rd. What's the most amazing animal you've ever seen in captivity? I've been very close to an elephant at a zoo once. They're magnificent. Having been to Sea World as a kid (I would NEVER go now), I also saw the killer whale show. As much of a spectacle as it was, it was animal abuse regardless. Do you like white chocolate? It's okay in small doses. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah. Do you talk to your pets? Um, duh. Have you ever adopted a stray? (Cat or dog?) Cats, yes. Do you read about any mythology? (Greek, Roman, Norse, Egyptian, etc) No, not by my own will. I DO love mythology, I just... don't read it. Do you ever use bath bombs? No. Have you ever gotten angry at an employee and complained to the manager? No. Have you ever sent your food back at a restaurant? Yes, because they got my meal wrong. I was REALLY shy to do it, but I made sure to do it politely and apologetically. Do you sleep in a bra? What mad lad sleeps in a bra???????????? Has your ex ever gone out with someone close to you? No. Can you suggest someone funny on YouTube? I'll go for someone what isn't my obvious vote, ha ha. There are truly so many, but Garrett Watts is high on the list. Elena Bateman, too. Can you do a handstand? No. Has anyone close to you ever been suicidal? Yes. Have you ever broken someone's heart and didn't care? Tyler sure acted like I did, and to be entirely frank, I didn't care very much, but only because it was a HUGE overreaction and I knew he'd be fine quick. What color is your hairbrush? It's just a white comb. Who was your most recent call from? My psychiatrist. Have you ever watched someone die? Only animals... It's the absolute worst. Are you currently "seeing" someone? No. Are you friends with someone who's autistic? I might be, but I know my niece is on the spectrum. Do you like humans? To be entirely transparent... I think I wish humans were never a thing. We've done so, so much harm to the planet, some things irrevocable. Earth would be a much healthier, far more peaceful place if we'd never existed. Do you like pandas? I love pandas. P.S., fuck outta here if you're one of the people who don't support conservation efforts for them. That shit blows my mind. What do you think of Evanescence? They're great. Amy's voice is absolutely incredible. I don't even think that's an opinion, but global fact, ha ha. What do you think of Avenged Sevenfold? I like some of their stuff. I haven't heard a whole lot though, honestly. What do you think of Halestorm? ^ Do you think you are attractive? God no. I don't see me as an attractive person at all. Do you like dinosaurs? I love 'em; I was OBSESSED as a kid, and my first aspired job was a paleontologist. Do you like lasagna? No. Do you share a room? No. When was the last time you climbed a tree? Never, actually. Have you ever been hospitalized for more than 2 weeks? I think my longest was three. What can you do that none of your friends can do? I dunno. Why did you last go to the airport? Mom and I were dropping Sara off so she could go home. Who was the last person to see you in your underwear? My mom. Who’s the most attractive female you’ve ever seen? Maybe Alissa White-Gluz from Arch Enemy? Or my friend Alon. I'm certain there's more, because women are just so fuckin beautiful asdkfajlwejkrjqwe Red, white, yellow, or pink roses? I actually like the original, rich red. Do you think someone would ever want to marry you? Well, two people have, but one absolutely doesn't anymore and the other knows that it's not healthy or emotionally safe for either of us to imagine that at this time. I don't know if anyone ever will again. Do you like Thanksgiving? No. Like I enjoy the focus on thankfulness, but the history isn't right and I don't enjoy the food. Do you ever wear colored eye liner? No. Have you ever used a darkroom? No. Have you ever been "popular"? No. Has someone ever tried to convert you? Yes. Have you ever been told that you dress like a slut? No, not that how someone dresses has any relevance to their sexual activity. What’s your most recent obsession? Final Fantasy X jfccccccc. Video games or board games? The former. Are you scared of tarantulas? As much as I talk about them... you can probably tell I have a massive interest in them, ha ha. However, even though I love them, they're still sorta scary. Like, threat poses are no joke. And it's terrifying on the very rare occasion they hiss. During Covid, do you wear a mask or no mask? I'm fully vaccinated, and yet I still wear a mask because I'm a considerate human fucking being. Do you have a PlayStation 4? No, but I reeeeaaally want one. :/ Have you ever played Fortnite? Nah, not my type of game. Do you like anime? Yeah. Have you ever been on a boat? Yeah. I was always SO excited as a kid when Dad would take the boat out for a fishing trip. Have you ever played Kingdom Hearts? I've played some of it with Jason. I wasn't a fan of it. Have you ever built a snowman? Yes. DC or Marvel? I don't really have a preference.

----------

Do you prefer your nails long or short? Why? Short, because I can't keep my nails long for the life of me. I pick/peel my nails badly. Do you have any vinyl records? No. Are you still in touch with your best friend from high school? No. Have you ever visited any celebrity gravesites? No. How do you feel about archaeology? It's extremely fascinating. Would you have a big cat (like a tiger) for a pet if you could? No. I could never provide the environment they need, and it's simply not safe. They are not domestic animals, and even the ones that seem most tame can surprise you. What are your favorite smells? Cinnamon rolls, coffee, lilac, fresh baked bread, barbecue, etc. Have you ever had to block people online for harassing you? I'm not sure, actually... What is your favorite thing to do on The Sims? Surveys have a lot of questions about those games... I only ever played the ones that focused on animals, and I think I most enjoyed breeding them and naming the bbz. :^) And watching their behavior. Which hair color you've had has been your favorite? Red. If you were stupid-rich, would you ever actually want a mansion? No. I do not need all that room, nor am I wasting my money on such excessive space. What drinking games have you played? None. Do you take lessons for anything? No. Has something really heavy ever fallen on you? No. If you wear makeup, what colors do you usually wear? Only black. Does your shower have curtains or a glass door/wall? Curtains. If you have more than one pet, do they ever get jealous of each other? One is a snake and the other is a cat, so. Is there a room in your house that you don’t like going in? No. Besides salt and butter, do you put anything on your popcorn? Nothing besides what you mentioned. Are you lonely? I'm way too lonely for it to be healthy. Do you like pineapple? Yep. Have you ever seen fireflies? Yes; they're endemic to here. Have you ever trespassed? As a kid, yes. Do you raise your hand or participate in class? I did sometimes. Are you afraid of heights? Yes. Are you afraid of the dark? No. Would you ever be your school’s mascot who wears that costume? No. Have you ever written a poem? I've written a lot. Would you ever be a tornado chaser? FUCK TO THE HELL NO. What is your favorite thing to eat with bbq sauce, if you even like that stuff? I hate bbq sauce. Have you ever had to do a class in summer school? No. Have you ever been to the rainforest? No. Ever thought about writing a book? Yes. Have you ever had a dream where you killed someone? Yes. Have you ever solved a Rubik’s Cube? Nope. Have you seen all of the Jaws movies? No, only the first one with Tyler. It was aight. Have you ever had a black eye? No. Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? I haven't seen a picture of Jason in years, and I don't want to. Not because I care about how he looks now, it'd just be extremely triggering to see his face. I still find Sara gorgeous. Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? No. How often does your employer ask you to work overtime? N/A When was the last time you were scared? Ummmm I really can't say I know. What’s your favorite song by Rihanna? "Disturbia" is where it's AT. There's this synthwave edit of it that I positively adore. Can you speak binary? No. Have you ever had a pet that you disliked? A family pet, yes. Do you like boys with long hair? UGH yes. Do you like root beer? Not really, no. Do you like ice cream cake? Not really. Do you ever dream of yourself dying? That's not all that rare in my nightmares. What song always makes you sad? I think two songs are tied for what makes me most sad: "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin and "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White. Were you mean as a little kid? No; I was a sweet kid. Have you ever tried spam? No, it looks SO gross to me. How fast can you run? This is pathetic, but I don't think I CAN run. My knees are too weak. I think my weight coming down on them would just make me crumple over. Have you ever bought something from Spencer's? Yeah. Have you ever been on a diet? I've tried diets many times. Do you prefer light or dark jeans? Dark. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Yeah. Who was your first love? Do you ever miss that person? Jason. I miss his memory every day. I say "memory" because it's been years, and I have no way of knowing who he is today. How many cars are parked at your house right now? One. Has anyone ever told you you’re a control freak? No. Do you know anyone who has gone missing? If so, were they ever found? Not personally. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings with extremely hot sauce at Buffalo Wild Wings. Have you ever deliberately tried to get someone drunk? Um yeah, no. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? No. I don't like sprinkles in general. Do you know how to do the moon walk? No. Has anybody ever told you that you have a good singing voice? Yes, somehow. Onion rings or french fries? French fries, for sure. Who is the best cook that you know? Dunno. If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced? When I was a kid. I don't remember the age, but I was old enough to decide myself that I wanted them pierced. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? They have their own places now. Do you like fried rice? Yessss. Are there any animals you refuse to touch? Some bugs. Have you ever intentionally fed a house spider? I don't believe so, no. What makes you feel lucky? That I have the family I do. What is something nice going on in your life right now? Just the gym-going, really... Who’s the worst person you’ve encountered on the Internet? An old friend I just knew as Shakes. If death wasn’t a consequence, what would you try? Maybe sky-diving, idk. Has a teacher ever told you off? No. Have you ever told off a teacher? No. Do/did you take school seriously or not? I certainly did. How do you usually cope with breakups? Not well. I obsess over how something's wrong with me and I'm not good enough for anyone. Disney princess or Disney animal movies? Animals, for sure. What's your favorite Katy Perry song? It's evading me right now... Have you ever made/tried friendship bread!? Omg, I forgot that was a thing! I actually have. I've completely forgotten the gist of it or even how it tastes, but I remember I loved it. What do you want to know about the future? If I'll ever be content and happy. What's your biggest insecurity? My weight. Ever found something disgusting in your food while eating out? No, thank god. Does the area where you live have a good or bad reputation? A very bad one. Are there any holidays that you don't celebrate? Yeah, like St. Patrick's Day, among some others. If you could find out who you're gonna marry right now, would you? Yes. Save myself time and heartbreak. How important is it to you that your partner has the same religious views? I wouldn't date someone very religious. If they're more tame about it, that's fine, but I'd prefer to not date a religious individual. Do you own a Wii? Yeah. I've kinda been wanting to play Guitar Hero or Rock Band lately on it... Do you like a lot of cheese on your pizza? "A regular, reasonable amount of cheese." <<<< This. I really don't like when things are so cheesy that it leaves a ridiculous trail when you try to separate pieces. Have you ever been made fun of because of your sexuality? Not directly to my face, but I can guarantee people I know had certain ~opinions~ on it when I came out. I also like just came out as pansexual versus bi, and I'm not even telling a lot of people in my personal life because I know they'll find the concept absolutely ridiculous. What would you do if you found an abandoned animal? "Depends on what type of an animal it was, and whether it was friendly or skittish." <<<< This. I'm obviously not going to try to usher a rabid dog over to me (I'd call a rescue or something if the animal appeared potentially dangerous), but if the animal appeared safe, my heart would absolutely lead me to try and get the animal to come to me so I could take it home and try to find the owner. Have you ever kissed someone who had a tongue piercing? No. What singer/band do you think deserves to be more famous than they are? Jonathan Young from YouTube. He is INCREDIBLE. He deserves to be picked up by a label so badly. What is your favorite PlayStation 1 game? The original Silent Hill, no competition. Do you think objectum sexuals are real, or attention seekers? I really can't imagine someone pretending to want to fuck their car for attention. I don't get it AT ALL, and it's weird as shit to me, but I mean, I don't think people can control what they're attracted to. How far out of your age bracket would you date? 21-early 30s, probs. Have you ever had an STD? No. Have you ever tried pho? No. Pick one: Crash Bandicoot or Spyro? Spyro!!!! I have the original trilogies of both series, but Spyro is where it's AT. Does your job allow piercings or tattoos? I'm unemployed, but I wouldn't work at a job that didn't, honestly. If you could dye your hair any color right now with absolutely no restrictions, what color would you dye it? Maybe like a galaxy-esque mixture of layered colors. I've wanted that for YEARS. Have you ever known a white supremacist? This region is swimming in them. Have you ever spoken to a detective before? No. Do ladders scare you? Climbing them does, yes. Do you have any tattoos on your arms? Yeah. Have you ever thrown up on anybody? Unless I did unknowingly as a baby, no. How many people have you turned down when they asked you out? Uhhh two or three, maybe? What is your favourite kind of fruit cobbler? I actually haven't tried enough to have an educated favorite, but I can say I love peach. Do you hear any other people talking right now? I'm watching a let's player play Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, so I hear her, obviously. When was the last time you started a new medication? It's been a while, idk. What is your favourite type of nut? Cashews, I guess. I don't really like nuts, but I definitely like cashew bars. Where did you eat the best pizza you’ve ever eaten in your life? ... Domino's lmaoooo. Did you ever watch The Rugrats when you were a kid? Yeah, I loved that show. I even had two video games. Do you know anyone who was adopted? Yes. Can you name all 50 US state capital cities? No. Can you tie balloons? I can't, actually. Have you had a deep conversation with anyone today? Yeah. I wanted Sara's advice on something I'm dealing with. On your Facebook friends list, who was the last person to have their b-day? One of my sisters' was yesterday, actually. What did you/are you having for dinner tonight? I had Special K cereal. Name some healthy foods that you enjoy eating. Strawberries, apples, bananas, (sometimes) broccoli, other things that aren't coming to me. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? My friend Girt. What flavor was the last cupcake you ate? The cupcake itself was chocolate, and the icing was uhhhh... blue? Apart from sleeping, what do you plan to do tonight? I haven't done anything of note. I'm probably going to bed soon. What’s the age difference between your parents? Two years, I think. When was the last time you ate an apple? Today. I have been on a big sliced apples w/ peanut butter kick lately. Have you had any caffeinated beverages today? I have soda every day. :x Have you eaten any chocolate today? What kind? Mom brought me a Reese's home today when she went out with a friend. How many different towns/cities have you lived in? Three. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone special? Poems, yes. Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? Not very much physically. Emotionally... I don't know. Do you have any ice cream in your freezer? What flavor is it? No. Ice cream is my #1 comfort food, so that's a big "keep out of the house."

[keai]

in the off chance that you see this...

will you let me know if you do?

my little 12 year old heart fell for you stupid fast. it was literally love at first sight and it wasnt because you were cute (bc lets face it you are good looking). looking back, its crazy how much i loved you, or thought i loved you. we didnt really know each other at all, but i was SO obsessed. i still cant explain why, but as a 20 year old i think that was the time i was beginning to show signs of anxiety/depression and honestly, needed something else to focus on. you also know i just have an addictive/obsessive personality. 

i remember we talked about those stupid young times and you said you were sorry for how you treated me back then. but i have to say you never did anything explicitly wrong. i didnt know how to handle my emotions and thoughts, i mean i still dont and thats why this even exists right? 

i remember crying myself to sleep over you, i remember hiding in school toilets because of you, i remember SO MUCH. i was truly in so much pain!! 

it wasnt just you of course. i didnt get much sleep bc i was always talking to this other friend that i never really talked to you about. i was also really struggling with the whole popularity thing at that time, and just wanted to quit being a popular girl at school. i know that sounds dumb, but being popular really wasnt fun, at least for me. i could never say what i truly thought because i had to care for so many people. i would always accidentally exclude people if i got closer to one friend because everyone wanted to be that one close friend, and that made me feel like i had to keep a distance from everyone. i could never be sad because other people thought i had everything. and i know that sounds pathetic but those are the things 12 year old girls think about i guess. anyway back to us

i tried a lot of things to ‘get over you’. it was so fucking stupid. i wore rubber bands and snapped myself every time i thought of you. would you laugh if i said that my arms would be COMPLETELY red in an hour? i also tried to like other guys who were genuinely sweet to me, but for some reason just thought they didnt measure up to you, even though you were giving me absolutely nothing (no hate just stating facts)

but eventually i did. and i just didnt think anything of you anymore - not in a bad way, i just didnt have an opinion. we didnt interact in school, i think til h3, because of math class. 

i had no fucking clue that your ex girlfriend minded me. honestly if i knew i wouldnt have sat next to you!! i thought i would be the last person she minded - after all, you broke my fucking heart without even trying, you know? if i liked you so much and still couldnt get you to like me, why would i think she would mind me? i dont know, sometimes im bad at logic i guess

anyway, i still didnt think anything of you. we had nice chats, but that was it. i think you would agree. ive actually spent a lot of time reflecting - were we flirty? did we ever cross boundaries? i remember how you told me you wanted to break up with your girlfriend. i remember thinking it was cuz of christina - it had never crossed my mind that you would like me. but it turns out it was me!?

now. this is the part that has bothered me the entire fucking time we dated again. does this mean we betrayed eliza? was she right in being mad? was this emotional cheating? i really dont know but i know now to not get involved in a relationship with someone who has just gotten out of one, because my mind will not stop thinking.

i hope you would agree that we had a good relationship. i wasnt cutting much anymore and generally gave less fucks about other people - something i have REVERSED back into now. but theres this part of me who wants to suffer. sounds dramatic but its true. if im honest, i was always torn between being a cool, chilled girlfriend and picking random fights, and making you upset on purpose. because thats what i did with MY exes and i knew doing those things would make me better feel your love. i also knew i was fucking crazy for even thinking about doing those things, but having a good relationship just wasnt...i dont know. i dont know how to receive love without it being fucked up in some way.

i would say the final 8 months of us dating was us being so careful with one another. i dont know what happened actually. maybe we just grew and changed. maybe i fucked up. i dont know. but it was fucking weird. sometimes we were fine and sometimes we werent. i really didnt know if you still loved me

coming back to taipei for the 2nd time, i got hit by this big wave of anxiety and panic about the future. something i learnt recently in school is that depression and anxiety often come back in relapses. like 70& of patients experience episodes again. of course, i chose not to open up to you. i knew you wouldnt understand. i know this is just my mind thinking stupid things, but in my brain youre perfect and never upset. you never overthink and never look back with regret on things. i guess thats the impression youve made on me since year 8. but me? i think back way too often and hurt myself. i dwell on past things, and now suddenly im dwelling on future things as well.

this is getting too annoying. long story short, i went to therapy and they referred me to a psychiatrist. i got medication. and that was still in the time we were together. i didnt tell you and im sorry about that. i dont know if im feeling better now. but i do think about how things could have been different if i wasnt me. if i wasnt so anxious and DEPRESSED would we have worked? if i wasnt so depressed in year 8, would i be different?

im not kidding when i say i dont want to be me. do you like being you? of course you do because youre you. but im me

you know that cheesy line where it goes something like ‘maybe in another universe, we would have worked out’. its fucking cheesy. but i really hope that there is another universe where hannah is different and is someone who can truly accept love from you, knows how to handle it and not let it go to waste

[elejah-wonderland]

Game Of Love/8

Fanfiction

Part 8

Joel Goran x reader

ft. Klaroline

a/n: thanks for reading. It is so appreciated. I have been away on holiday and now I am back and there will be an update on all my stories. Xoxo 

here is a materlist = click on elejahfanfic - it’s my blog with mastelists of my fanfics and this one too

tags @rissyrapp20 @dendrite-lover @captainshurley @cassienoble2000 @goddessofthunder112 @idkhaylijah @elejahforever @caritobear

_____

Sometime in the early hours of the morning, Y/N woke up, looking around, not understanding where she was and what had happened to her.                       

"Caroline?"- Y/N now said as she saw her friend asleep on the neighbouring chair. The blonde, who had a long day at first didn't move, and so Y/N called her again. 

Suddenly, Caroline jumped as if someone had splashed water on her and pressed the alarm button, then asked Y/N how she was.

"I am in a hospital?"

"You are."- Caroline said.

Alaric, who was on-call, came in,  followed by Oliver. They both now checking on Y/N.

After a thorough examination, Y/N got nearly the all clear. Physically she was on the mend, but now as the neurologist Dr Laurel Lance came in, they found that she suffered from post-traumatic amnesia.

"We will continue to monitor everything."- Dr Lance said-"but, she should be getting all her memory back - I will prepare all the exercises and with the right medication she will be regaining all her memory back in a little while."

Caroline and Jenna were somewhat relieved. They now went back in to see Y/N.

¤

Hours later

Joel took a bit of a breath and then entered the room, where Y/N was brought in, muttering a little hey followed by a smile.

 "Hey"- Y/N said with a puzzled look as she was not sure who he really was, presuming he was a doctor that came to check up on her, she asked-

"And you are going to check - what -?"

"I am - Joel."- he then said.

"Oh"- Elena exclaimed in a low voice, as she was told about him by Caroline.

"I am sorry that I hadn't come already, but- it was another crazy today, and I was in the OR, and then the ER."

 "Don't worry."- Y/N said and now looked at him investigatively saying-

"So, you are Joel?!"

"I am."- Joel confirmed.

"Good. Cause I have - questions. You know that I - can't remember stuff, people."

"Yes, I do."- Joel said and now sat down on the neighbouring chair.

"They say that I will get it back, and I hope I do, because- feels really weird, that the last things I remember was months back. And not me working here and - any of what had happened recently- like you. Caroline said that we kind of had something. And that we - kind of broke up and that you are also having a baby with your ex-girlfriend- Alex, the Attending? Did we broke up because of this?"- Y/N said.

"No, we didn't break up exactly cuz of that - certainly not because of me having a baby with Alex. It was - ahm, it was not a clear break up. You see, before the shooting- we had - I don't know what to call it- because it was not a fight or anything like that. I did a very stupid thing."- Joel now briefly told Y/N what caused them to be in a cold zone, as he called it.

"Right."- Y/N muttered .

"I thought Caroline would have told you- about everything."

"She said that you will tell me about - us. But I see there is not really us. We are not a couple, or anything, are we?"

"No, we are not."- Joel said with obvious regret and added-"Well, I would like it to be -I know I don't deserve someone like you, putting your blind trust in me, and I can only dream of you giving me a second chance."

The deep regret in Joel's voice moved Y/N. His eyes were sincere and loving, but some strange feeling that crept out of nowhere held her back. And with a little painful smile Joel now made, he apologized for springing all this on her.

"Hey, it's fine. I need to know stuff"- Y/N said-"good and bad."

"Yeah."- Joel said getting up now.

"Thank you- for being honest with me."- Y/N said-"You got to go already?!"

Joel nodded a little looking at her dearly, his heart pulling him over to kiss her and take her in his arms.

"I am sorry, I messed up."

Y/N nodded in acknowledgment of the apology.

"Ok. I - need to see other patients."- Joel felt his soul shrink and as he was at the door he walked out of the room.

Inside, Y/N took a deep breath. She didn't know how to feel about it all. His demeanor said this was a sweet, gentle, dear guy, his eyes so warm and loving. And then on the other hand, he had such bad track record with women - which Caroline made sure she knew. And she didn't get that she would start something with a guy that had such a messed up life. Her mind now wondered to a conversation before he came in.

Flashback

Somewhat earlier, before Joel got there. Alex came to check up on Y/N's labs.

"Can I ask you something?"- Y/N said.

"Yes."- Alex uttered raising her look from the paper.

"You are pregnant with - my boyfriend's baby? Ahm- well, the guy who was my boyfriend- how does is this all working out? I mean- "

'Well, we were together before you and him hooked up. We are still figuring all this out."

Y/N could notice Alex not really wanting to discuss that subject with her. As she signed the paper off and went to the door, Y/N now asked-

"You want him back, right?! "

Alex was quiet looking at Y/N poignantly, and then walked out.

Y/N didn't know what to think, but her heart fluttered when he spoke to her and now wondered if her heart should be listened to. Feeling still quite tired, she fell asleep.

A bit later, Joel's patient that gave him the Anthology of Love Poems now asked about Y/N.

"She woke up."- Joel said to the old woman.

"Oh, I am so happy for you."- the woman said.

"Thank you, Agnes."

"Did you tell her that you love her? Has she forgiven your indiscretion? "

Joel smiled a little and now said-

"She doesn't remember who I am."

"Oh, I am sorry. But, you should not give up. Write her a poem."

"I don't think that will help much. Plus I am really bad with words."- Joel said.

"You really don't know how to woo a woman, do you?"- Agnes continued- "for you young ones it is all about - the wambam-done. Where is the romance?"

Joel now signed off the chart and put it back on the little table next to the woman's bed, now looking at Agnes, pensively, he said-

"Thank you"- and walked out of the room.

The next morning, Joel got in the hospital with a bunch of balloons heading to Y/N's room.

Joel arrived with all the balloons, but Y/N was not there. He, nevertheless attached them at the end of the bed. He wrote a little message to her, and then left the room.

As he waited for the elevator, Caroline came up to him.

"Hey."

"Hey."- Joel said back to the blonde intern.

"We had no time to really talk. And I just wanted to say thank you for being there - for her."

Joel was taken in by Caroline's words and being nice to him, as before she kind of ignored him.

They now got away from the elevator and Joel now asked-

"What brought that change?"

"I - just thought about everything.  I was so angry with you because- you made her cry like she never did for any guy before. And it just- but then you were there all the time by her bedside and apologizing over and over again for the mess you made. You really love her, don't you?"

"I do."- Joel said sighing now looking down and then at the brunette-"and- yes- I made a mess. And I don't deserve her or her love, but I will fight for it. And- yeah - ahm-I've  started going to therapy."

Flashback

Day after Y/N was shot

Joel knocked at the door of Dr Rose Cohan, psychiatrist.

"Come in. Dr Goran?"- Rose said extending her hand out to Joel.

"Yes. Joel Goran. We can leave the doctor out."

"Yes, we can."- Rose said-"please, take a seat."

Joel sat down in the most comfortable armchair there was, sinking in it relaxing immediately.

"Shall we start with you telling me a little bit about yourself."- Rosie said-"you can start from whatever point you want."

"Can I start with the reason why I am here."

"Sure. We can."- Rose sat down in the armchair opposite him and Joel started-

"My - the woman - my girlfriend was shot- and - she nearly didn't make it-"- Joel went quiet for a second and then taking a deep breath, tears now welling up in his eyes, looking aside, wiping them off with his thumb and forefinger.

Rose was quiet and gave him time to continue. A few seconds later, Joel continued and said-"I've been with quite a fair amount of women. I have had a few relationships, but- none of them- I can't explained it- when I saw her wheeled in the ER, seeing her laying unconscious, in blood- it was like someone had shot me, too. I never felt this strong for any woman I have known."

"Have you told her that?"

"She lapsed in a coma."- Joel said.

"I am sorry to hear that."

"She- well, I don't know if she is still my girlfriend, because, before the shooting we- well, I nearly slept with someone. And I have told her about it. And she- well- didn't want to see me anymore."

"Why would you go with another woman, if you feel the way you feel about her?"

"I don't know. I can't explain it. I had a talk with my ex-girlfriend, who is expecting my baby - and it - didn't go so good, and she- expressed that she expected me to fight for her and- accused me for moving too fast. But, she clearly stated that she didn't want anything to do with me."

"And you? How do you feel about your ex- girlfriend?"

"I - care about her."- Joel replied-she is a good person, but- this will sound so awful, but when she told me that she didn't want me, I was relieved. I am such a shitty person, aren't I?"

"Why would you think so?"

"This was the second time she had broken up with me, and - I had no courage to do it, even though I - wanted out."

"Did you want the same with Y/N?"

"I - felt like- that I made a mess of everything - and - I felt that I - that she was better off without me. I don't deserve to be loved. And she was so right. Because- I just mess up things and- there is no point to any of it."

Rose now asked Joel about his parents and his childhood. And the story that had emerged, made Rose see why Joel had a problem with love.

"You have to stop thinking that you are to blame for your father and mother's bad relationship, their divorce. You are projecting your mother's death as your fault. That is why you became a physician?!"

Joel nodded.

Several more sessions later, after analysing all Joel's relationships and him

"You need to believe in what you really feel. Don't be afraid of it. Don't sabotage it.  You are not your mother or your father. It will sound like a cliche- but listen to your heart. I believe that you will be a good father and a good boyfriend, and husband one day."

"Really?"- Caroline was surprised to hear it.

"Yes. I recognized that I have - that I can't deal with stuff- my emotions. I hurt her- and I've never wanted to do that. I also want her back, and I realized I need to deal with a lot of issues in my life if I stand a chance to get Y/N to love me, trust me again."- Joel replied.

"First she needs to remember."- Caroline said.

"I know."- Joel said-"and when she does, I want to show her that I really love her."

"Right."- Caroline said-"Did you tell Alex that?"

"I am meeting her later today."- Joel said.

"Ok. I will see you later."- Caroline said and then went away.

Joel, who already should have been in the ER now hurried there.

A while later, Y/N returned from more check ups and tests, her eyes looked amazed at the colourful balloons. She now asked the nurses who had brought them, but they didn't know.

"There should be a card" - one of them said.

Y/N now got to the balloons and found the card.

She opened it and smiled.

Jenna, who now walked and seeing the balloons asked-

"Secret admirer?"

"Joel."- Y/N said.

And by the way Y/N's eyes sparkled, Jenna knew that Y/N's heart shone with special kind of gladness. But then she put the card aside.

"What is it, sweetheart?"- Jenna asked.

"I feel so selfish."- Y/N said- "how could I fall for a guy who has a baby with another woman?"

"Oh, sweetheart. When we talked about it- him- you said that they have discussed it and that she didn't want him. That they had clarified things."- Jenna said knowing that she was thinking of Alex.

"But she wants him back. And - from what I am hearing they were ok, till I came along."

"Alaric told me that Alex and Joel were like off and on. That she also had a thing with Charlie. Are you sure this is actually Joel's baby?"

"What are you saying?"- Y/N now looked at her aunt surprised.

"Alaric saw them hanging out together. He kissed her and - well- I did some digging. She is now five months, isn't t she?"

"I thought that- are you sure?"- Y/N asked.

"I still have some digging to do, but - something tells me that there is something fishy here. Ok, so what did Joel write."

Y/N now showed her aunt the note.

It was the Maori pendant symbol.

"I don’t get it."- Jenna said.

"It's the pendant he gave me for my birthday. It means new beginnings."

"Did you - remember this?"

Y/N nodded smiling, tearing up a bit.

🌻🌻🌻

Days after

"I want to do something for Y/N. And we all deserve a party."- Caroline said-"we've been through so much lately."

"How about we take the party to Y/N. I think that we can have the cafeteria for one evening."- Liv said.

"I will talk to Alaric"- Jenna said-"to get clearance. I know it is a hospital, but I guess we can get an hour or so to have a little party."

"Good. We really need this. Maybe it will trigger her memory."

Jenna was immediately went to get the idea in motion.

 Y/N, Caroline and Jenna now were ready to sing.

"Hit it."- Jenna said to Alaric. 

Seeing the three of them dance like Bananarama did in the video, brought back memories of the fun parties Jenna had always prepared  for the girls for birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmases,  especially after she became their guardian after their parent's death.

Klaus now understood where the show and karaoke thing was coming from. It also brought back memory of him and Caroline on her birthday.

Seeing her now singing  and looking at Oliver, hit his heart hard.

Alaric now put another song and said that everyone should choose a partner for the dance.

Joel now went to Y/N and said-

"Dance?"

Y/N now nodded, and they started swaying to the music. It felt like he was transported back to High School and he was at the school dance.

Oliver unfortunately got paged and as he left, Klaus now took the opportunity to go over to Caroline, who sat down at one of the table.

"Is it free?"- Klaus asked her and she nodded.

"You were amazing- earlier."- he said clumsily, complimenting her on her singing and added-"I made a huge mistake."

"Please, don't."- Caroline now said.

"I know that you are with someone and I have no right, but - "

"Exactly. I am trying to go on. And - as you said- Oliver is a good guy and I don't want to hurt him."- Caroline said getting up, walking out of the cafeteria, now hiding her tears that came on.

Joel looked at Y/N like he was asking for approval to kiss her and her eyes gave him a little meek look of yes 

[falconemuses]

skip first three paras if you’re reading this because of the #pewds tag

remember when i said i wanted to write more diary-ish posts in this blog to improve my communication skills? heh. i’m absolutely terrible at keeping to resolutions, as it turns out. but we’re gonna improve that. new resolution: improve at keeping at resolutions. starting now. so here we are. writing. probably one day i should start like a blog, maybe not tumblr because it doesn’t seem like the right medium for it, but like just a straight up actual diary, to collect my daily thoughts and preserve them for future me to laugh at. i used to have an old blog and like when i dug it up it was hilarious. deleted it though because one time i got paranoid about being spied on by hackers and blogger staff. 

there’s quite a lot of stuff i’m going through right now that i don’t really want to straight up talk about, cuz like, y’know, it’s like there’s a very thin lid over the bubbling pressure, and if i just lift that lid everything’s going to come pouring out, which is not really something i want to be dealing with. this (and next) week are my designated sort-of relax weeks, and i don’t want to spoil my mood. so let’s talk about something else.

there’s actually been like several topics that have been running through my mind lately but i’ve been putting off expounding on them because of school so now they’re all collected and i don’t really know which one to start off with, or if anyone even cares to know, or why in the heck i developed entire trains of thought around such inconsequential bullshit in the first place. anyway, let’s just have the least controversial topic.

pewdiepie! LMAO. “how is this the least controversial thing you have to talk about?!” believe me, it is. it’s not about the recent tragedy or defending him or putting him down, really. it’s just - well, he says a few times in his videos he doesn’t understand how the heck he got to no. 1 (no. 2 now technically T series passed him a while, but, y’know, whatever, he’s the no. 1 individual channel) and that kinda got me thinking as well, like, yeah, why am i watching his channel? it’s actually a bit sad to me because no one else i know is a huge poods fan so like there’s nobody else to discuss the videos with, which is strange considering the 94mil subs. the people that i *do* know who are into youtube are mostly into markiplier or cryaotic (can’t spell his name right) or jacksepticeye. so like even though, lol, i’m technically in the bigger fanbase, i don’t have anyone else to talk about it to? and so that makes me wonder like, yes, why am i specifically drawn to pewdiepie? what’s the particular appeal that made me sub to him and not the others? because i have watched the others, but somehow i always end up coming back to pewds’ channel.

the reason i’ve come up with is that....pewds is just more relatable, to me, personally. feel like i gotta say this at this point because on the internet people are liable to take you out of context or whatever: i’m not by any means saying that this is the recipe for success or that anyone should change their video style and it’s certainly not a critique of other youtubers - they’re all great in their own ways - i’m just saying, personally, what i like. he just feels more - more of like, a real person? to me? i don’t know how to explain this. it’s like, when i watch his videos, it just feels like y’know, if i met him we could be really good friends, sit down and have a sandwich together and chat about inane stuff, whereas the other youtubers feel more like.....movie stars? i guess that is what i’d call it? like more unreachable, more distant. like if you met them you couldn’t just chill and shoot the shit, you’d have to catch a glimpse while they walk past being swarmed by a whole bunch of bodyguards. 

cry is easier to explain, so i’ll just go with him first. he doesn’t show his face. LOL. i’m not saying he should, god knows if i ever got on youtube the last thing i’d show is my face, but like when watching the lets plays, i prefer felix’s over cry’s because y’know, i can see him. i can see that there’s a real dude there, sharing the experience and reacting along with me. and that makes it feel more comfy, somehow. also cry’s voice is like, the hot-guy voice. which is liable to get you throngs of screaming fangirls, but to me, it just makes him feel more - far away. like the kind of super-cool person that never makes a fool of themselves. which is not a person i can be friends with, because i’d feel intimidated by their perfection xD so yeah, pewds >> cry, because he feels friendlier and more relatable.

markiplier is the really popular one amongst the people i know and i guess why i prefer pewds to him is harder for me to explain because he does show his face and doesn’t have a sexy voice so what’s the problem? idk, i feel like mark....is too intellectual for me xD “but fal, pewds literally just reviewed the fucking republic!” “also, are you saying you like pewds cuz he’s dumb?!” no, it’s not - it’s the difference between highbrow and lowbrow intellectual, y’know? not that i’m saying mark is a snooty stuck up stick in the ass, but - just the difference in the way they talk, like.....literature professor vs thug notes, which is a really great series that i also highly recommend. like, felix understands, but he doesn’t speak fancy, which is also a thing that i appreciate. again, i’m not saying everyone should change their way of speaking, like, formal highbrow intellectual is also great and some people like that, evidently, but just, personally, again, pewds is easier to relate to because he talks simply. it really makes it feel like you’re just chillin’ with a pal when you’re watching his videos. even though you can’t technically respond. but that’s okay. it’s like companionable silence xD whereas for me watching mark is like watching a very - scripted production, or like just listening to someone too smart for me, which is just like, “yeah, okay, i’m gonna feel self-conscious if i try to talk to you”. i mean, the dude actually analysed the gameplay of freakin’ getting over it xD which is like, woah, you care about the physics of this thing?? whereas pewds just.....well.

“gorgonzola! everybody gets a little bit of gorgonzola!”

i think, probably, i am by no means a psychologist or psychiatrist, nor do i wholly believe in the veracity of the mbti, but i feel also like one of the things that draws me to pewds, especially now, is that i think, i think, we have quite similar personalities. i watched his mbti video, and before he was even halfway done i already knew he was going to get ISTJ because like our thought processes are so similar. (except i’m a little more reserved than him, obviously, hence the lack of a youtube channel) again, mbti isn’t like the most - accurate thing in the universe, but throughout all his other videos (and there are a lot) i feel like we have a lot in common. let me try to explain it in coherent terms. there’s the - pigheaded stubbornness - i think the getting over it playlist sums it up pretty well xD and like the uh, while we have a brain, we tend not to use it generally when solving problems, instead opting to just power through it, (again, the getting over it playlist) instead of analysing why the fuck we went wrong, just try to bulldoze the problem xDD and then there’s the urge to keep up the “everything’s fine” face. yeah, i know he did a video about forced positivity and said he’s not faking it anymore, but that’s a different thing, i’m not talking about faking happiness, i’m talking about - well, not exactly faking, but just sort of like - you just don’t want to admit to the actual extent of your feelings, and feel uncomfortable using, idk, is there a term for it? i’m gonna coin one - “emotion-centric” language. like, you never hear him say stuff like “i need to take a mental health day” or something like that, like the kind of “just using that language makes me feel weak and vulnerable and i don’t like that” kind of feeling - don’t take this as truth, by the way, that’s just the vibe i get, i could be projecting, because that’s an issue i have. i’m just gonna - leave it at that because i’m worried the more i talk the more bullshit it’s going to be and it’s just going to be me projecting my issues onto him and it’s not actually true and then people will take it all out of context and run weird articles - lmao.

anyway. this post went on for wayyy longer than i thought it would and there’s other stuff i wanna talk about too so let’s wrap this up. pewds, if you scroll the tag and find this, i - well, i honestly have no idea what to say xD. tell me if i got shit wrong, i guess, and if you’re ever in singapore or i’m ever in brighton let’s grab a macs and chill i guess? xDDD i also want to pet the pugs, they’re so cute.

[beansnobeef]

Nacho Cheese Doritos Loco Taco Review

At this point, a doritos loco is a “crazy little golden thing” in Spanish and it’s getting weird. I actually have had a couple of these over a few years and I’m always a little underwhelmed. Like the Mac and Cheetos over at burger king, the flavor profile here just doesn’t seem to be strong enough and mostly this is just a taco that gets your fingers all dirty and is kind of a hassle to eat. It is a little bit (nacho) cheesier, but only if you get the chip on your tongue first as the flavor is lost in the beans and tomatoes and sour cream.

It’s not the worst thing in the world, though. It’s definitely something I think everyone should try once, even vegetarian style. I’ll probably eat more in the future.

Speaking of crazy, here’s a cool lil heads up cuz I’m about to talk about abuse for a hot minute. Specifically dredging up some shit outta my life.  

By the time I was twelve years old, my mother had committed me to the mental hospital twice, taken me to numerous psychiatrists, put me in a group home, and had me prescribed Paxil. At some point just after I got in some real trouble at the group home (honestly it’s a pretty funny story that’s not really relevant here) she finally carted me off to live with my grandmother in Montana. Grandma, bless her heart, is an old hippy and she promptly took me off Paxil (and thank goodness, since the drug was later found to increase suicidality in children) and found a cool alternative education program for me to be in, with a tutor during the summer.

I kind of settled into, you know, actually being a kid. I played many video games, I learned how to work emulation on a computer (and later how to work emulation without getting a bunch of malware), I read a bunch, I made friends, I learned how to play Magic, all kinds of stuff. I didn’t speculate much on the source of all my issues previous with my mother but I didn’t feel as crazy as she had insisted I was, and I was thriving more than well enough with my spoily-ass grandma. Just under a year rolled around and one day I’m getting off the bus from school and who shows up at the bus exit? My mother. It was terrifying. One of the most frightening things I’ve had to go through. She carted me over to a rented SUV where she said some mean stuff and insisted that I go live with her again.

What happened next is ridiculous and absurd. I knew I was deeply unhappy living with my mom and I couldn’t handle having to return to that situation, so lil chubby twelve year old me opens that door and bolts out the car and runs right into my grandmother’s home. I’m crying and upset and I insist that I don’t want to go back to living with her. My grandmother and my aunt stood firm by my decision. I don’t really know why (I suppose I should ask them, but I don’t know how much I want to dredge up old feelings) they chose to support me when I refused to go back, but support me they did.

Child Protective Services got involved for the second time in my life, this time initiated by my mother rather than by my school nurse. They dutifully interviewed everyone involved, while my mom spent a bunch of time and money staying at a nearby motel with my stepdad. Within three weeks, they reached a decision. I was to return to my mother and my family was not to intervene. They gave me a few days to get my stuff together and my family held an early birthday dinner as a goodbye at my favorite pizza place with my best friend from school. Early the next morning a cop showed up outside my grandma’s house with my cps caseworker to take me to the airport and return me to my mother. I remember my caseworker bought me a bagel as we waited for the flight.

When I got to my mother’s house, the first thing she did was tie my hands up. She told me she had bought a pair of handcuffs and this was what she would do if I ever laid hands on her, which even at the time I thought was pretty weird because I had never laid hands on her. The next thing she did was go through my stuff. I was a weird kid and I had been really into Dave Barry at the time. Yes, the milquetoast comedy writer for the Miami Herald. I thought he was funny, and I had brought a few books of his with me. I was real into Dilbert, too. Anyway my mom threw all of those books into the trash, b/c they were teaching me sarcasm and misbehavior. She also tore up my picture of my grandmother b/c she was pretty steamed about the whole “having to legally force grandma to give me up” thing. A few days later it was my 13th birthday. We went to blockbuster and I picked out Reign of Fire and we watched it on my stepdad’s fancy home theater stuff and I spilled some soup on the floor and that’s how I was banned forever from eating in the living room.

Anyway I kinda don’t think about this memory very much, it just got dredged up cuz I had a kinda intense acid trip the other day and came out to a bar to support a friend with their own shitty mom issues. I get real adamant on issues of children’s right to self-determination and bodily autonomy and it’s literally just my own shit coming back to haunt me. What if instead of forcing me to live with my abusive-ass mother the system (as it were) actually supported my decision and respected my own ability to figure out that I was in a bad way? Folks, parents especially, scream bloody murder about this shit though. They’re just children, right? Totally incapable of making rational decisions. Don’t know at all what’s best for them, especially know-it-all adolescents.

I still have nightmares that my mother has just come out of nowhere and swooped me up and forced me to live with her again. More often, though, I have deeply uncomfortable dreams that she’s being perfectly civil and we have a perfectly normal and acceptable relationship that isn’t at all built on layers and layers of guilt-tripping and emotional and physical abuse.

You know what’s funny, my mom insisted that I watch Mommie Dearest as a weird psyops effort to convince me that I actually don’t have it that bad and look, this is what a real abusive mother looks like. I mean that’s not funny at all but literally I have to laugh about all this shit cuz the weight of it might crush me still a decade and a half later.

[canaryatlaw]

Okay, well today wasn't bad. Still kind of overall stressed, but dealing with it. I have time at least, to get all this shit done, get it spaced out over and all that, so that helps. Alarm went off at 7 and I got out of bed and made it to work and made it through the rest of the file for the permanency hearing, which was more of the parents being like "we're not alcoholics we don't need treatment fuck you" all the way to getting their damn kid removed, so I write up some normal permanency hearing questions and took that and the file over to the lawyer who gave it to me to talk to him about it. I ask if they ever made a paternity finding, because there was a whole big thing about it because apparently her "dad" her whole life isn't technically her legally-presumed dad because her mother was married to someone else when she was born, but I never found a finding, and then the lawyers like "oh yeah, well dad passed away in November, something related to his alcoholism." Oh. Well. And he goes on to add the mom is basically on her death bed in the same situation. Don't need treatment my ass. This poor child. She seems like a good kid though, so hopefully we can get her get into some post-high school training if not actual college. I'll get to meet her and interview her Monday. At that point I went back to my office and created a template for permanency hearing questions that I could just tweak for individual cases since the status based questions are largely the same. Somewhere in all of this my eyes were drooping way too much again so I took another 15 minute head on desk session, I might've actually passed out for a few minutes, but when the alarm went off I freaked out for a minute because I was expecting the wrong time for some reason and thought I accidentally passed out for like two hours lol. So I was fairly glad that didn't happen. Somewhere in here I also tried to call my psychiatrist about the whole Xanax thing I was discussing last night, only to be told he's on vacation till the end of the month.....I mean, the guy definitely deserves it, he's partially retired already and probably in his 70's, and I don't want to disturb him or anything, but like, I know him and I know he would want to hear two sentences from me on this issue but I didn't want to say it was an emergency because it wasn't, and if I did they probably would've put me on with one of the other psychiatrists that are filling in for him, and I'm sorry but there's no way I'm trusting anyone else with this shit. I think I'm gonna increase it to 3 mg a day for now at least, which is still within the normal range he said I could try so it's not a big deal. Hopefully that will make finals a bit more manageable. So that was less than ideal, but oh well. All of my events are really out of order for today so idk if any of this happened in this order, but around lunchtime I went to go see my across the hall friend who's now my across the building friend, to see if she was feeling better and if she wanted to get lunch because I, like a kindergartener, left my lunch box in the fridge yesterday (I had actually packed dinner in a brown paper bag for later but I didn't want to pack two of those). So we went to the "bakery" that has super awesome pizza an I got some of their pizza with the seriously biggest slices and ate like, half a slice lol. So good though. It was nice to talk to her though, we traded crazy stories from our courthouse and the DV one, and I was just like man, I'm so glad I have people I can share these things with without them being immediately horrified and me being like "yes I know those are terribly tragic circumstances but if you hang in there for a moment the court moment was really funny!!" Lol, it's gallows humor for sure but I mean gotten let it out somehow. I vent to my brother about crazy cases too, that's helpful since talking about the law is one of the few things we can talk about and actually have a lengthy productive discussion on without it somehow devolving into him being an asshole (mostly, anyway). So there's that at least. He appreciates my stories. So back from lunch and I spent a while organizing orders into alphabetized folders for two different lawyers haha who both apologized for the shitty work but I'm like hey whatever it's all good I know I'm the intern and I'll deal with your shitty jobs if it gets me a good in here. And then I had to show my supervisor how to send in the mid-semester evaluation my field placement supervisor wanted from him (oh, and he apparently knew my FP supervisor like 15 years ago and he was her boss in this office??? I swear he was everyone's boss at some point) because he was getting so lost in computer forms and retrieving files and saving them and electronically signing forms, so I'm just sitting there showing him how to do it and he's like "ohmygosh Rachel, you're so smart!!!" and I'm like trying not to laugh because he's just so adorably funny. And then of course I got to read more of the nice things he said about me which made my heart melt once again because he's literally so nice I can't handle it and his words are always really genuine too so it's nice. And yeah. So I didn't have anywhere to rush to right after leaving the juvenile courthouse today for the first time I can remember since, the summer, since I decided no kickboxing this week because I simply don't have the emotional or physical energy for it, so I was just gonna find a Starbucks to chill in and work on my appellate brief until small group time. So I got to like, take my time leaving and my supervisor is like "Rachel what are you still doing here, you're gonna be late to class!!" and it's like 5:01 haha so funny. So then waiting for the bus I saw the PD that was on the panel we did yesterday so we of course talked about delinquency stuff, like the spring break project from last year and of course eventually got into the whole transferring to adult court thing and I mentioned the slenderman case because that's just the most horrific case of misjudgment by the system and she'd heard of it of course but didn't know the details and she was beyond horrified to hear that they're trying two severely mentally ill 12 year old children as adults and having them face 35 years in prison. Like, we literally have an entire juvenile justice system FOR PRECISELY THESE REASONS. Bypassing it ignores all the science and research and not to mention the recidivism rate which skyrockets when you try children as adults. I'll cap it there though, not gonna go into a full rant at the moment (I know I've already done it on here). I got off the one bus to catch another and had to watch it stop and drive off while I was stuck on the other side of the crosswalk which SUCKS and it was just chilly enough to be annoying out today, but then thankfully another bus came like 2 minutes later which isn't typical but I was very grateful for. So I took that to the Starbucks area, then popped into Walgreens to buy more of their caramel chocolates that Lyft driver got me hooked on (lol) except they didn't have those exact ones, so I got what's basically the same but with toffee pieces and I tried a little and they're pretty amazing. So then I went to Starbucks and got an iced white tea lemonade and tried to surreptitiously eat my sandwiches (I mean I was facing the window so I didn't have to be all that secretive about it) and start the behemoth that is gonna be finishing my appellate brief, and I pretty much immediately felt lost, but always over like the stupid stuff I could find like whether saying "don't use the party names" meant the given names or the terms plaintiff/defendant....(it's the prior, I think anyway) but I figured as some sort of game plan I would work on fixing the argument section based on the feedback I got from our prof, since that still is the substance of the brief, and then work on adding all the extra parts. Half of the edits she gave me though we're like about ordering the arguments and shit and it just pissed me off because I like the way I order my arguments, dammit, because IT MAKES SENSE, and I'm sorry if it doesn't fit your blue book standard but my boss at my actual job where I submit actual motions to actual court seems to be quite impressed with it so you can take your argument order and shove it.....(note please that that wasn't actually directed at my prof, cuz I kind of like her, and I know it's the curriculum and not her setting the standards). But that just annoyed me cuz like, real life isn't legal writing fact patterns. You're not always gonna have an analogous case and a distinguishable case, and you're gonna have to make it work. I just....I get too worked up about all of it. But I at least made some progress on preliminary efforts, so maybe, 5% done? It's a start, at least. I walked from the Starbucks to church which is like a ten minute walk and even though it was still a little chilly I haven't done any walking for the past two days and I haven't had any chance to work out this week (I likely won't go to the gym tomorrow because I have no reason to be downtown) so it's something at least, to go with my push ups (which I think may be hurting a muscle in my side, because trying any new physical activity is basically let's see how I can piss my body off this time for me). But yeah, small group was good. This was something I meant to mention quickly on my last week's recap of it, but I think I might have a teeny tiny crush on one of the guys? Like it was in my head last week but it was barely anything, then I get in there today and we start talking about the marvel tv shows and you know I can talk above superheroes all damn day haha so that was enjoyable, and then he was being like "yeah it was cool being at my cousins wedding this weekend but it's also so weird being single at a wedding" and I'm like alright, that might have been a subtle hint, lol, and of course as soon as the idea even entered my head I spent the rest of the night pretty much planning our wedding when I haven't really decided if I even like the guy yet, lol. Physically he's not like drop dead gorgeous, but he's definitely not ugly and has a certain charming quality to his appearance, so I can work with that. The rest of small group (I almost just wrote Smallville) was good too, we talked about a passage in 1 Corinthians I was familiar with about love and of course I got to opine about my deep theories on the issue about how basically the passage is indicative of the entire problem of "religion" and what the church is facing today- that is, they have all the rules, all the right answers, but without love following through all of it it's basically useless, and I feel like that's so on point for what the church is dealing with right now. Like, no. Love meets you were you are. Love is right in there with your mess. Love doesn't require you to clean up your act before you're welcomed into our church. Jesus certainly didn't require it to be let into his presence, so how dare we even try to do it? And yeah, other random deep shit like that, lol, you get the picture. Took the train to the bus as my normal and AGAIN had to run to make the bus (this was a different stop, but same bus route) and again had to bang on the door to get let in while the driver was looking so put out by it and I'm just like....calm your tits lady we're giving your company money but being here, lol. But I got home, didn't almost get run over by a car but had the weird experience of a car stopping fully at a red light, and I started crossing, and then they suddenly started driving again and blew the light by like, a mile. They didn't even come close to wear I was crossing so I was never in danger or anything, but I was like seriously, wtf man? Who does that?!? Idiots. For home and watched Powerless, which was cute of course, then Riverdale which just left me with the comment that this is the one teen drama where all the high schoolers have it together for the most part and all their parents are going batshit crazy, lol. But I enjoyed both, and that pretty much wrapped up my night. And it's late, and I get to sleep in which I'm very glad about, but still I'm tired and want to go to sleep now, so that's what I will do. Goodnight mis amigos. Happy Friday.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #219

“make a move and you pay for it; pick a lord and you pray to it.”

Do you actually love your grandpa? I don't really remember either of mine. I do from what I remember and have learned of them, though. Do you actually love your grandma? I don't remember my dad's mom at all, but I mean, I love her simply for being my dad's mother, who loved her. My mom's mom, yeah, even though she's. Hard to like a lot of the time. Do you have Facebook? Yes. What was the last thing you posted on someone’s wall? A birthday post. Do you have MySpace? My old one still exists, but I sure haven't been on it since it was current. What is your favorite kind of music? Heavy metal. Favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is actually cocaine to me rip. Favorite food? Probably like... pepperoni pizza or cheeseburgers. I'm a full-blooded 'Merican. Have you ever felt replaced? OH, HAVE I! Have you ever worn false eyelashes? No. Do you ever regret making a friend? I don't think so. Can you cure mental illness? I don't know about cure, but you can certainly learn how to handle it better and alleviate symptoms. Is God good? Define "God." Cats or dogs? Kitties. Do you play video games? Yeah, but I don't play nearly the variety that I used to. Do you take medication for mental health? Yes. Can you really be racist to a white person? No shit? Do you have a favorite hair accessory? What does it look like? No. What’s your favorite type of insect? Butterflies. What’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? Larvae, like maggots. Disgusting. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What did you say? What’s his/her favorite food? Idk and I don't feel like checking. I rarely use it. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White is a mood with my mad-at-God-24/7 ass. It needs to stop honestly. I've become so hateful about religion. Not towards followers, mind you, just the concept itself. I could write a novel on this, but I don't feel like it. Just me and organized religion don't get along anymore. Have you ever slept in a water bed? On a water mattress, yeah. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? Never tried, not for me. Sounds messy. Does your ex have a job? My most recent, I guess you mean? Yeah. Have you ever slept in a car? Yeah, on long drives to like New York and stuff. What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? *checks phone* "Sweetie." How often do you use Flickr? Never. I can't log into my account anymore since Yahoo said "fuck u Britt," so there's no point. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? She's my girlfriend so y'know like- Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? We very much disliked each other at first, so... guess, lmao. Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Eh, that's a mystery... Juan was very sweet to me, but I know he had a bad rep. I didn't really see how he interacted with others. How’s your appetite atm? It's normal. I'm not currently hungry. Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? Sara randomly and excitedly texted me to tell me "Welcome to the Jungle" was on at work, which was on the radio both when I was there and she was here, so she thought of how much she missed me lakdjsfkalwe I smiled my face in half. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? Eh, it wasn't awful. It was for my school ID. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? New York City. My sis went and said it was 1.) insane and 2.) disgusting. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you’ve actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently? Go to the partial hospitalization program way sooner. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? To earn a happy, content future. What activity that you have to do every once in a while that you dread the most? "Every once in a while," I'd say clean Mitsu's cage. She is such a strange rat. Enjoys pets, but being picked up is a no sir. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job? N/A If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? I'd probably write a poem. I know I wouldn't draw 'cuz fuck no am I doing so with a pen. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? Uhhh. Idk. Anything I can think of, like lightning, I've seen because of the Internet. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? Probably like, young adult fiction/fantasy, something like that. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Lately, take one of my mood stabilizers. I need to get the box out... aaaand forget every day. I haven't felt any different without it tho so like... If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? Compassion, maybe. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? I'm not spending time musing over something that serious lakaljdsfawe. Would you ever travel to Africa? Hell yes. I desperately want to go to South Africa on the Tswalu Kalahari tour. Whose house were you last at? Besides my own, my older sister's. Have you ever had a near-death experience? I guess this depends on how near death you mean. I've been in one car accident that my mom managed to make minor only by being a good driver; realistically, we should've flipped, according to the cop. My mom just acted quickly enough. Then I heavily ODed, but I was given more than enough fluids in time to keep me surprisingly okay. I don't know what would've happened if I hadn't told Mom so quickly, and I don't care to think about it. I'm fucking lucky and don't want to think about what could've happened. Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? Tbh I myself could've been in this position when my depression was so bad, but then there's factors to that that lean towards it just having been a preference versus addiction. Idk. It's not a problem anymore so not worth debating over. Have you ever been fingered? That was the first cheat when you chose abstinence lmao. What do you do the most when you are online? Watch or listen to something on YouTube. What video game have you played the most? So in WoW you can actually type in /played to see how long you've played JUST that one character up to the years (or maybe days?) down to seconds and. I will never type it in lmao. Ongoing games are v depressing. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? No, those are thankfully gone. What is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others? Be helplessly and openly in love with imaginary demons while dating each other lmao (she's a Freeza fanatic). When and why did you last cry? The second day of school because of math class. When was the last time you drank? I think like... back on the 4th of July. Or some days after 'cuz I know Mom and I didn't finish the container in one night. Do you wear jewelry a lot? Just my piercings, really. Save for on my ear lobes because the holes on the left are fucked up, yay. I'm going to wind up just slightly stretching the first holes when I can afford a small kit; actual studs or hoops look stupid. Never wanted gauges until the holes got too stretched by the weight of hoops; now something needs to be there. Who in your household do you not have a good relationship with? My sister's (who doesn't even live here...) dog Bentley. I hate him and he doesn't like me. No, that doesn't mean I mistreat a pet. He's just a pain in the goddamn ass. Who in your life are you scared to lose more than anything? My mom. I don't know what would happen to me or how I'd cope at this time. Honestly, would you rather be single or in a relationship? I'm happier in a healthy relationship. Do any of your friends not get along at all? No. I mean, not that I know of. What are your 3 favorite internet sites? I'd be LOST without YouTube, then KM follows up close. #3, uh... Facebook or Tumblr, I suppose. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? No. Well, I do have a little book of Disney World character autographs, but I don't think that really counts. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? We use Wal-mart. Who is your favorite model? Sara is a gd model don't even @ me about it. What have you done that is out of character for you? The Joel thing is the most anti-Brittany thing I've ever done for sure. I can't think of anything more current that stands out, unless it's- NO WAIT, this was quite a few months ago, but I firmly stood against an opinion my psychiatrist made known. He's very talkative and open as hell about his beliefs in current events, and he said something about pit bulls where I was just like... um no sir. I wasn't going to be rude though to HIM of all people so just said I don't base dogs by their breed and shut up. Awkward silence and we moved on. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? LGBT acceptance and rights. I already protest by having given up Chic-fil-a okay I care y'all. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? Who knows... What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? Idk. I'm lucky to not have really been told that... What are you most thankful for? Thinking it all over, probably being born where I am. Boy is America FUCKED UP in some places, but boy would I be in a MUCH worse place if I was born in, say, North Korea, between my mental issues, sexuality, and opinions that can go to either end of the spectrum. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? I love them! You can find the coolest, wackiest shit. What do you like to put gravy on? I hate gravy with a passion. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? No. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? I genuinely think I'm a nice person that has other's well-being in mind. What is priceless to you? Love, in any form. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? Uhhh. I guess more than anything, I'm proud of my distant cousin for her unwavering love for and loyalty to her daughter when it came to escaping the Middle East and her dictatorial husband. Read Not Without My Daughter, it's great. Do you keep a budget? I don't have an income. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? Rested, a good night's sleep following being truly exhausted. Refreshed, oh man, gimme a hot, long shower. Who depends on you the most? Nobody. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Hell no. Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yes. I was entirely convinced the world would literally end if Jason left. That night still doesn't feel real. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? Colleen and Mom once fought after I'd ignored her, so I guess? It wasn't my wish or anything though for her to do it; Mom had shit to say by her own volition, and I wasn't going to tell my mother "no you can't do that." Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? No? Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? Nope. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? Yes. What embarrasses you instantly? A LOT A LOT A LOT!!!!! It is SO easy to embarrass me, including second-handedly. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? Hell no, I'm most certainly not in the necessary shape, and quite honestly I'm not that willing to risk my life for random people that could be assholes. What do you think should be censored? Idk. I have mixed feelings on censorship, no matter how stupid it seems. Eh... yeah, idk. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? Queen Victoria and William Clark. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? Depends on who and obviously if we're even compatible. Have you ever fired a gun? No. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Sincerely caring for them, probably. Who is a female role model in your life? My mom, in some ways. What childhood dreams have you neglected? Jfc a lot, I don't want to think about it. What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? My future, honestly. It's hard picturing my elderly days. Like I'm not suicidal anymore, I just don't really... realize I'll get there, I guess. I can't picture myself being old and alive. Would you travel to space if possible? No, too long of a trip. Are you an optimistic person? I'm a realist. Do you consider yourself more realistic OR idealistic? ^ Have you ever felt bi-curious? I started out accepting myself as bisexual through thinking myself as bicurious. I quickly realized "bisexual" was more accurate than "bicurious," but it was an easier thing to shift acceptance towards in regards to yourself when you thought you were straight for 21 years. Are you a fan of U.S. President Donald Trump? No sir. I agree with some of his ideas, but I hate him as an asshole person without a trace of manners. Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Multiple. I'd assume most people know someone who fits at least one criterion there. Are you green-eyed? Not exactly, but they definitely have a green hue to them. They're a gray/green blue. Would you consider UFC fighting and WWE real sports events? I think it's beyond debate that a lot of it is staged, but I mean, I guess to a degree? You still have to fight. It's physical exertion. Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? No. Wait. I can't remember if my grandmother had cancer or not... but I don't think so. She was just old. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? An office, definitely. In my work-hunting as well as actual work experience, office work is probably the only job I could actually do that doesn't require a degree... Do you have a favorite wild animal? Why? You can't know me and not be fully aware meerkats are my favorite animal. Why? Ho boy. I love social species, and meerkats have such strong personalities, and holy shit are those little things brave as fuck. They're so GOSH DARN CUTE!!!! too, and their loyalty to each other is astounding. I love how playful and curious the little guys are, and... just wow okay, I could write an actual essay on how I adore meerkats so goddamn much. Do you have any unusual, uncommon phobias? I'm sure there are other people afraid of whale sharks, but I don't think it's common? And is an actual phobia of pregnancy uncommon? Idk. Do you prefer Android or iPhone? I hate my Android. I've had an iPhone in the past, and it was great. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? All, depending on my mood. Most often I'd say I like sweet. Do you believe climate change is real? We can't be friends if you don't. Do you believe in evolution OR creationism? Evolution. Do you think people can really predict the future? Nah. Have you been to a lot of shrinks? I hate that word. Just call them therapists. But yeah. How often do you clean your room? Not often enough. I need to dust... Any movies coming out soon that you want to see? I DESPERATELY wanna see the "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" one. Those books were my CHILDHOOD. What was the last fear you overcame? I don't know about totally overcame, but vocational rehab helped me quite a bit with answering the phone to numbers I didn't recognize. Have you ever hurt yourself trying to crack a body part? No, nothing on me really cracks. Well no, both my big toes do, but no, I haven't hurt myself trying to crack them. What’s the worst part about winter? The days where it's cold BUT ALSO WINDY asdkljfaklwej;awe Summer? It's too fucking hot and probably humid, too. Spring? POLLEN. Fall? Literally nothing. :') Are you allergic to anything? Pollen and silver. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Like, once. Which country has the most fascinating culture? Oh boy, idk. Who does your favorite song? Idrk what my current favorite song is. I say my all-time fave is "False Flags" by Massive Attack, but it's not something I constantly wanna listen to. I guess you could maybe say it's "Headache" by Motionless In White; I play and repeat that a lot. I've really been digging them lately. When was the last time you wore makeup? Shit dude, idk. Months ago. Do you prefer males or females or both? I'm generally afraid of men, but I mean, I don't "prefer" one over the other if he's a good guy. Where in your town do you go when you wanna chill with a few friends? I don't have any friends I go out with. But there's nowhere to go here anyway. Where’s the best place to get coffee? N/A Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? My dad was an alcoholic, but he's recovered. He loved (idk if he still does it) fantasy football, too. Pretty sure I got my addictive personality from him, lol. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Early 2017. Do you like cranberry juice? omfg NO. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? The Last of Us is fucking dope, but I didn't finish it before my PS3 broke. :'( I like the Resident Evil series too, and some of those games have zombies or similar creatures. And The Walking Dead game tears my heart out every fucking season. What is the dominating genre on your mp3 player/iPod? Varying forms of metal. Do you have a book shelf? No. What website do you spend way too much time on? YouTube is ALWAYS open. I constantly either watch let's players and a few other kinds of YTers, moving windows around so I can see it and do other things, or listen to music. Do you like wind chimes? I LOVE!!!!!!!!!! WINDCHIMES!!!!!!!!!! Do you have a fetish? No. Do you have a pet fish? No. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful and calming, but not worth it for me personally. They don't have much of a personality at all, and cleaning a tank so much for just a fish isn't for me. Do you like kettle corn? (That sweet and salty popcorn) Yessss! Do you enjoy classic rock? Hell yeah, man. When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Not since I was at Sara's last. Do you listen to Type O Negative? No. Do you have any fillings or cavities? Yeah. Have you gotten your wisdom teeth taken out yet? No, and thankfully I don't need to. One was very close to needing to be, but it has just enough room. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? "Depending on what I’m signing up for, I’m likely to at least skim it." <<< This. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? I had a party every year up to... idk what age. And no, I only invited friends. Do you like when things are color coordinated? Yes. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? if so, have you ever won? Yeah, and no. Can you juggle? Nope. Have you ever mistaken a ringing phone on TV or in a movie for your own? Who hasn't? How often do you use bobby pins? Never. My hair's really too short for them. Well, I'd probably pin the right side up if I was doing something like cleaning. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Road. What are your school colors? Blue and white. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah. Have you ever rolled down a steep, grassy hill for fun? Actually yeah. Do you like Nerds candy? Yes I do.

[canaryatlaw]

Today was.....kind of odd. I felt exhausted and like I was running crazy all day, but I actually wasn't? Idk. I remembered today that my psychiatrist wanted me to call him after I'd been on the Xanax for like a week to see if I'd noticed a difference, as I should have, and as I remembered I was supposed to do this I realized I don't think I've actually seen much of a difference. I still feel anxious pretty much all the time and can't stop my mind from racing even when I'm trying to relax, there's always something I need to get done. I'm doing 2 mg of Xanax a day right now (1 at morning and 1 at night) and he wrote me the prescription to use as needed so I can increase it if needed. If I'm remembering correctly, at the time I accidentally went off it I was taking 3 mg a day, I guess I was just hoping I would be doing better by now and wouldn't need that much. Idk, it's weird to be experiencing symptoms of mental illness like anxiety and feeling exhausted and like something in my mind just isn't right without them being accompanied by the overwhelming and soul-sucking dread of suicidal ideation constantly occupying your mind. Because I pretty much consider myself "recovered" at this point. Like I'm SO much better than I was 4 years ago. But I'm still having symptoms that just don't feel like they have a causal connection to my life, because there's nothing that would be causing that in my life- I mean at least as far as the depression, there's obviously plenty to cause anxiety. But I don't really feel depressed at all so I don't really know if that's what this is??? Like my brain felt weird when I was without my meds for a few days but for the most part it's been fine with happiness, just tending to get overwhelmingly exhausted, but with me that could have a lot of causes (see: my abysmal high school attendance record). Sigh. I didn't mean to get into all of this right now, it just kind of came out. I think that's most of what I have to say, though. So, today. Alarm went off at 9:45, and the first thing I notice is its gross and rainy and hell no am I gonna walk 20 minutes to the train in the freezing rain cuz I fucking hate rain, so I consult google maps to see which of the alternate routes I know of would be quickest, and decide on the one that takes my normal bus route to a close by train station of another line that I can then take to the loop. So that worked out fine and I got to school in plenty of time to prep for the panel. Oh, I left out that I woke up to a text from my across the hall at work friend saying she was like ridiculously sick and couldn't come, so that sucked but oh well. After not too long DCFS guy comes over with the PD we were able to get from delinquency, so we hang out and talk for a while as things get set up more and we get food before the panel. So, we ended up having 4 panelists, which worked well because we initially felt overbooked at 6, but 2 had to cancel haha so that ended up being good. We had the PD, DCFS guy, an adoption attorney, and a child rep that does work in domestic relations (divorce/custody court). And of course I was the moderator, so I got ask my questions and they went really well! Everyone had good and varying answers, and even gave some well-reasoned answers to my thrown in at the last minute question about if they could change one thing about the system they work in what would it be, because of course I am so very reform minded, lol. We got to open the floor up a little at the end, and the panelists talked about the last question for like 10 minutes and I was like watching the clock knowing the 1L's all had to get back to class at 1 so as soon as they finished I was like OKAY whoever needs to leave go and we can chat with the panelists if you want to stay, lol. So that felt good overall. I stayed and talked to DCFS guy about some random stuff since he had some time before going back to work since this was an official work sanctioned event for him, lol. So that was cool. When he headed out I switched over to the PAD office for a bit and did something on my computer for a little, I don't even remember what, before going to meet my LARC prof for our individual conference. It wasn't all that helpful because it tended to be just more generalized feedback, and like I know what I'm doing its just a matter of doing it in the form they want. But I got my argument section back and graded so between that and my graded trial brief I should have some good basis to go off when I finish off the appellate brief this weekend hopefully. That's the idea, anyway. After that I went back to school and was gonna go to the PAD office but instead found my spring break friend, summer job friend, and the girl who's gonna be the president of the child and family law group with me next semester chilling in one of the rooms, so I hung out with them and actually got around to reading most of the cases for crim pro tonight. It was nice, even if I still felt exhausted at the end of the day. And I ended up ordering Chinese food because I felt like it before class lol and they had these mango and shrimp egg rolls that are possibly the craziest and most amazing things I've ever tasted. Crim pro was fine, just went over the few cases, and I interjected two short comments on different aspects of police behavior and their consequences (one of which was in result of a wrongful conviction that was affirmed by the fucking Supreme Court before later getting DNA exonerated that besides this man spending so much of his life in prison, there was a fucking child rapist freely roaming the streets). She then told us about how she's gonna like speed through the rest of the cases at the next two classes, and then let us go at 6:45....? Idk, I feel like she wasn't prepared for them or something, although I've discovered when she recites the "facts" of the case she reads almost word for word off the quimbee briefs I've been looking at, lol. But hey, I'll take it. It was still rainy and gross so I tried the alternate route again but with slightly more anxiety this time because I don't like relying on buses at night because, basically, the suck. We end up getting off the train literally right as the bus is pulling up to the stop (like I saw the bus as soon as I got off the train and had to run down two flights of stairs to get to it) and I just made it but like the driver was being rude and I had to like, bang on the door when there were like 4 other people with me trying to get on.....like calm down lady it's not gonna kill you to wait another 2 seconds. So that kind of ticked me off but I was at least glad I caught the bus. Got home and decided to watch the episode of Blindspot that had pretty much just finished airing and OH BOY do I have feelings about this episode. I already did a massive Twitter rant about this (and I mean massive) so I'll just give you the highlights but between this plot and Chicago Justice's (both nbc shows, fyi) treatment of a foster kid earlier this week I had just about had it. The kind of plot Blindspot did tonight was awful because it adds to the idea that foster parents are bad people who are only in it for the money, and that is overwhelmingly false. Are there crappy foster parents in the system? Of course, I spent all of last semester tracking them down and getting the kids removed from their homes. But the vast, vast majority of foster parents are wonderful, loving people who are sacrificing so much for a child they may very well have to say goodbye to some day. And when we are already at such a critical shortage of foster parents, this kind of portrayal is so damaging to that image. It only serves to add more stigma to the idea of foster parents are being corrupt and "foster child" practically being synonymous with "problem child" in some peoples heads, another convention that needs to end. The whole thing just really, really got under my skin. I mean, I know better than anyone that this kind of shit (okay I mean, this was obviously an extreme example, but similar types of mistreatment I mean) does happen, but broadcasting it as one of a very few portrayals of foster parents most people are gonna see is damaging to the idea of being a foster parent and hurts the chance that they would consider being one in the future, and that's just such a major problem for me. I obviously have a lot of feelings about this, and I feel like I should find some higher up at nbc to write to about it, other than tagging the network's account in my Twitter rant. But yeah, the whole thing just really pissed me off. Other than that though, my only other comment on the episode was that I was really sad to see Nas go, even though I knew it was inevitable as soon as she got involved with Weller, because the show has made it abundantly clear that Kurt/Jane is endgame and anyone who interferes with that isn't gonna last. But I really couldn't give a crap about her and Kurt's romance or whatever, she was such a great character in so many other ways and such a fantastic leader that I'm sad to see her character leave. And I mean not all of this is coming from my adoration of Archie as an actress, but she really did a fantastic job with the character that I feel like the show will miss her a lot. Okay, so after that I actually got to watch designated survivor live, which I've only gotten to do a handful of times. And man, this episode was EXCELLENT. Like definitely one of the best episodes of television I've seen from an objective (not fandom based) viewpoint. Like just as a piece of art it was brilliantly done. Admittedly I didn't pay all that much attention to the B and C storylines of Hannah and Aaron's adventures, but they were solid in their own right. But the really just knocked it out of the park with Kirkman's A storyline, like holy shit we're seriously at the point where how can you not be rooting for this character? I loved seeing him prep for the town hall and trying to figure out what he should see and then him in that scene and just being so fucking brilliant. Everything he did in that scene was artistic perfection. I had very real tears running down my cheeks by the end of it, and I have a hard time believing anyone else could watch it and not be similarly emotionally affected (even if you don't cry). Like they used just the perfect amount of personal story worked in there without pushing one issue or over-milking a tragic storyline. Just watching him on that stage and speaking from his heart to that mother was just so incredibly beautiful and I'm sitting there thinking damn, I would give anything to have Tom Kirkman as our actual president right now, lol, I seriously think he would be doing so much better than the current joke of an administration we have. So yeah, obviously I was very impressed with the episode. Kiefer continues to be a spectacular actor, and just shines in this role because he is so very good at bringing out the intricacies of the character, his doubts and fears while still managing to remain a strong leader that the people can trust in a time of such horrific distress. But yeah, obviously very pleased there. And yeah, not long after that I started getting ready for bed and here we are, lol, although 2 hours slipped by somewhere in between (funny how that happens). Big girl job in the morning, and then I'm probably gonna find a Starbucks to chill out and work on my LARC assignment on until small group because I just don't have the physical or emotional energy to go to the kickboxing gym this week, though I have been continuing to do push ups during commercial breaks, so that's good at least lol. Okay I think I'm done here. Goodnight lovelies. Have a good sleep.

[canaryatlaw]

Okay, well today was better than yesterday, and I was in a significantly better mood for most of the day, although I'm back to being slightly irked now with no real logical reason (you know, other than the obvious). But yeah. Woke up, ate breakfast (fucking cocoa pebbles not nearly as good as cocoa krispies) and caught the bus to work. Tbh I don't remember that much of what I did for the morning because I kind of ended up napping for a full hour....more on that later, though. I think I was mostly just sourcing stuff and building the timeline for the TPR prep. See, the issue with the sleep thing is like, I can't just push through it. I can't control my eyes closing. And I also can't fucking type. Like it takes me twice as long to type something because every other letter is wrong. I did 30 minutes then tried to get back to work but it wasn't happening so I did another 30 and I can get away with this because I'm an intern and for the most part nobody cares what I do. I took a lunch too because fuck it, I don't care. The interesting assignment of the day came in the afternoon from my boss, she wanted me to watch a VSI (I know I defined that yesterday but I'll be nice and do it again, it's victim sensitive interview) because her computer wasn't sound equipped or whatever and mine was because of the prison calls, lol, so she wanted me to transcribe it verbatim for her. The thing was only 13 minutes long, but obviously took me substantially longer to get through because I can't type on a PC in real time conversation, lol, so I ended up pausing after each line to type it, then generally play it back to make sure I got it right. I ended up with like 13 pages of transcribed notes, so like one per minute of the video. A couple things here. One, I'd never actually watched one of these before, so I didn't really have a context for it. Two, I had no idea what the circumstances were going into this interview- if the girl had made an outcry or what had happened (I'm avoiding giving details for obvious reasons when discussing child sex abuse) but I finished it with the impression that there had been an incident. Then my boss comes back and explains she had read the detective's notes and he said there wasn't gonna be charges and it didn't seem like there was anything there, which of course was not at all what I got from it. Apparently going into it wasn't based on an outcry but a weird hotline call that the little girl had been saying sexually explicit things in school but they unfounded the report as just nothing. So I of course relayed all of this to my supervisor, and she said she'd have to watch it now haha but had my notes as well. So that took me about to the end of my day. I had a 6:30 PT appointment because it was the only one available, and after last week's fiasco I knew there was no way I would make it on time if I took the bus, so I ubered, figuring I should have just enough time to get home, change, and go right back out. Uber was in a price surge so I ended up paying like, double the normal rate (ugh) for it but whatever. I liked the driver a lot, he said I was actually his first customer because this was his first day driving for uber haha so I was like okay, hopefully this will go well! But we started talking and I went into the cases and the reforms that have been populating the news (the more recent child death case that supposedly prompted the DCFS director into reforms that I was ranting about the other day had been pretty widely reported so he brought that one up) and I told him about my case and the ridiculous can't make this shit up facts of it all. And of course we talked the random stuff. We took the street my street is off all the way up because it's pretty much a straight shot, like the bus I take to work and back, except that one goes a few blocks over then shoots down. It had a fair amount of traffic, but I had tried to allocate enough time to make sure it was okay and I arrived at my apartment just at 6:10 which was perfect, I ran in and got changed and did a few other things then came back out at 6:20 to walk over for my 6:30 appointment. While I'm almost there, I get a call from a Long Island number, so I'm like okay, I answer it and it's my psychiatrist that I've been playing phone tag with for two weeks now. Of all the shitty timing!! But I knew because of my mental state lately I did have to have this conversation now, so I ended up standing outside the therapy place on the phone for 15 minutes while motioning to them that I'd been in as soon as possible. It was a good conversation though, I'm glad we had it, and it was definitely necessary. Apparently the deal with the phone tag was the secretary or whoever would take down my message that I needed him to call back, but somehow in there my name got substituted for my mom's, so he ended up calling her repeatedly and trying to figure out what was going on before someone realized OH, it's the daughter who's in Chicago and not Long Island, lol. So that made me feel significantly better than my messages weren't being deliberately ignored. So I told him my exams were over and my anxiety was through the roof, with the Xanax not helping. Then he asked about my sleep, and suddenly the light bulb in my head clicked on and I went OHHHHHHHHHH, YOUR MID MORNING NAPS HAVE BEEN BECAUSE YOUVE BEEN INCREASING YOUR XANAX DOSAGE YOU FUCKING MORON and suddenly that made a lot more sense. He asked some questions about describing the mind racing thing and asked if it was like hyper, and of course I knew where he was going with that so I said it definitely wasn't manic (because it's not) but more just anxiety based. So we ended up swapping out one of my regular meds for what I believe is the generic version of Zoloft, and he said to do whatever with the Xanax since they weren't helping anyway, so I'm gonna cut down on them a lot lol cuz I can't live like this. I do think I was on Zoloft at one point in high school and it wasn't terribly helpful, just one in a long line of antidepressants tried that resulted in a "meh" result, but the circumstances here are fairly different now that I'm on several meds and I have the Wellbutrin to actually treat depression, the Zoloft can potentially help the anxiety, which was definitely not really present in high school or even when I started with my psychiatrist back in 2012 (thanks, law school). I mean, it had started before law school, but that's what's really exacerbated it of course. Hey, it got my brother an OCD diagnosis after 22 years of only ever having super small tics like re-walking out of a room every so often. So hopefully those meds will get things figured out and it'll be better. So I finally got off the phone at 6:40 and of course was now very frustrated because I hate being late, but we just jumped into it instead of doing warm ups so it was fine. I keep getting asked if I'm feeling an improvement in pain, but the answer continues to be about the same, and in fact after PT it almost definitely hurts. It was actually bugging me at work today too, which isn't typical. But we had a good session anyway. Afterwards I walked across the street to Walgreens just because I wanted to grab a type of melatonin I know works for me to use as a control test for the Xanax- to make sure that's the thing that's throwing it off, not being unsure if it's the melatonin. Come home, get some dinner together and start Arrow. I wasn't totally thrilled with the episode given the plot was pretty weak, but it was of course strengthened greatly by the presence of Katie Cassidy and Katrina Law (though I would've liked more than 30 seconds of Katrina). Can I just talk about Katie Cassidy's acting skills though? I'm amazed as to how she's adopted completely different personas to the point where you can tell "who" she's supposed to be just by looking at her- that Laurel, Black Siren, and particularly black siren pretending to be Laurel, but not resembling either in any significant way but an entirely new image. I'm just like damn girl, that's intense. So things are set up for the final battle now, which has to happen on Lian-Yu because everything fucking happens on Lian-Yu, and I'll admit it does seem like it'll be a pretty epic showdown given everyone they've brought in on both sides. Back to that non-existent plot though- like really Oliver? Really??? That had to be the worst plan in existence of plans. You just handed him over and what, expected him to just let everyone go and go skip off into the sunset? Like dude, come on. That was really fucking dumb. So then it's just Oliver and fucking Malcolm, who has somehow managed to stay alive for another season, much to my annoyance. The moment with Nyssa coming in was pretty epic though, but I really hope they told her that besides her sister they were also facing off with E2 Laurel because those two got pretty damn close in season 3 and that could definitely throw her for a loop. Also, why the fuck had they not told Quentin at this point??? Like that was really dumb because you left him super vulnerable to exactly what happened. So yeah, I suppose I'm looking forward to the season finale, mostly for my two homegirls, but hopefully the rest of it will be good too. A tweet on my timeline reminded me that designated survivor was about to come on just as I finished Arrow, so I turned that on to watch live since I knew it was the season finale. Can I just say damn, I love this show so much??! It's so freaking well done in an era of totally overdone dramas, and of course this had the potential to do some incredibly shark jumping being that they blew up the entire government as the premise of the start of the plot. They've handled it really well. I think most of the episode was good and full of action, though I was sad to see Jason is actually dead (I mean, I think we knew he was, it just wasn't formally confirmed). I loved the scene between Kirkman and the reporter, because you can just tell how much respect the reporter gets from him because of how he handled the meeting, and I'm just left thinking whoever handpicked Kirkman as the designated survivor obviously massively underestimated his ability to be an incredible leader of our country. Damn what I would do for him to be our real president right now.....sigh. The speech was great and super satisfying, but I'm also watching the clock because I KNOW they have to leave some sort of cliffhanger disaster to predicate season 2 on, and of course that happened with them basically being like "we're fucked, they're fucked, everyone's fucked" which sounds like a fairly good premise to me. After this I watched Brooklyn 99 which was of course fucking hilarious. After that I got ready for bed, but for some stupid reason when I'm you know on autopilot for my routine I took the morning pills left in my "Tuesday" box instead of the evening pills in the "Wednesday" box (because I refill every Tuesday night) and took the wrong meds, then said well fuck, but my best bet is probably taking the meds I should've taken right now (none that should really interfere with the first) and just skip my morning dosage. And then tomorrow afternoon I can pick up my prescription for my new med so my body is just gonna be a psychopharmacological mess for the next 24 hours but hopefully it won't have any really bad side effects (it really shouldn't) (I'm also very impressed that psychopharmacological is an actual word and I didn't have to just make it up like I normally do when I want to use a form of a word that doesn't exist). Andddd it's past 1 am. I get to arrive at 9:30 tomorrow since we're going straight to a visit, so that'll be nice, assuming I don't fall asleep on the bus again like I did last time 😑. Anyway. Goodnight my little loves. Hope you had the loveliest of hump days.