Text
#columbo#season 2#double shock#mrs peck ysee im literally neurodivergent and a minor#columbo very competently weaponizes his dysfunction. he doesn't make it up. it's not An Act. he simply leverages whats already there#hes tried labeling. closet organizers. shelving drawers devices etc etc forever and ever and it doesnt matter. he is just entropy incarnate#and he's made peace with it. and so has his wife who presumably accepts bringing order to his lack thereof
863 notes
·
View notes
Text
Btw things will work out in the end and you don't have to address them all at once and on this exact moment. Sometimes things have to simmer a little bit
#this is a post for me too#i am an anxious individual 👍 and i have a weird time socializing 👍#this combo makes me wanna like. know everything everyones talking about and thinking about and feeling about Right. Now.#including myself#but some things gotta simmer... and im learning this now#i think im rushing a lot of stuff around me bc i dont like feeling uncertainty#bro uncertainty is beautiful uncertainty is the seed for certainty. ome day i will know and if i dont it doesnt matter#im feeling so light. therapy did ne womders#ive been going for like 4 months now and woooww great stuff truly great stuff#i feel a lot more put together and organized inside my head#its easier to avoid spiraling its easier to choose the healthy path its easier to breathe and to look around and Exist#things got easier#yaayy#talk
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
Shinjiham is cute when it’s romantic but tbh I think i vastly prefer the idea of them being best friends instead. Like, neither of them really saw it coming and weren’t really looking to get another best friend (Shinji has Akihiko, Kotone has Junpei and Yukari respectively) but it happens anyway. Kotone takes a liking to Shinji much faster than she does anyone else and I’d say a big reason is just the fact that he’s so reserved that it allows Kotone to do most of the talking while he just listens and they love this arrangement cuz Kotone doesn’t get to talk about her own interests very much. Though I think some of her needs to talk to Shinji stems from this insecurity that he isn’t happy in the group and she has this people pleasing problem and wants everyone to be happy so she makes a much bigger effort to talk to Shinji. And it’s very unfortunate because Shinji intentionally acts cold and distant because he doesn’t want to form any attachments because he wants to die soon, but aaaaaaaagh dammit this girl just keeps talking to him and being sweet and encouraging him to engage in his interests and share them with the others and he just can’t seem to say no when she’s got those damn puppy eyes. And Kotone is just able to get him out of his shell by being persistent but not in an overwhelming way, she’s very cheerful and supportive of him. And Shinji is able to offer her support by encouraging her to talk about herself and by making sure she’s taking care of herself. They just click really well and make such a positive dent in each other’s lives and it’s all about basic acts of kindness going a long way you know?
#persona#persona 3#kotone shiomi#shinjiro aragaki#i uh. probably didnt do much here to prove that their relationship is best when its platonic akjsks i mean idk how to convey it#that these two are just so good for each other but that im just not feeling it romantically#and why should i honestly like cant a guy and a girl just be platonic soulmates like me and jackie aljsks#plus i just have other ships with these characters i like better ahem akishinji and mitsuham yall already know#and i just feel really comforted by their relationship being best friends cuz it makes the pocket watch a lot more power of friendship#and it just. irks me the idea that its romantic love that saves shinji and its romantic love that gave him a will to live#cuz first off you can save him without romancing him and also like if you think kotone is the only person he wants to live for#youre just wrong like in fact its very clear in his social link that he feels this strong love for everyone#its literally like why other characters are so ingrained into his link he loves everyone and they love him back#its just kotone who organizes the time for them all to get together plus like idk when ppl say shinji only wants to live after romancing#kotone its like. well hes not gonna have a good time post coma then huh#and i suppose the point being made is he has to learn to live even if his gf isnt there but again like. shes not the only thing he has#idk i just hate this like pedestal romantic relationships are put on and i hate the implications that like#akihiko has been trying for years to protect shinji and his love doesnt matter cuz it isnt some heterosexual romance#grrrrr it just irks me is all and yeah i just think theyre besties who do everything together#kotone is like shinjis emotional support animal that guides him through the scary crowds and shinji is off putting enough to scare away the#meanies that come their way and they have a dress up montage and make cookies
33 notes
·
View notes
Text
pulps law is that whenever i get insane enough about something, i will inevitably attempt to make a persona 5 au, regardless of whether or not i am successful at it.
#pulp speaks#anyways guys youre never going to guess what au ive been thinking of lately .#i know the correct way to go about this is make sidestep the main character but you see#i will not be doing that. and actually in fact i will not be following the storyline of persona 5 in the slightest. because lol#but morgana exists in this au purely because i dont think the others would survive without him explaining what the metaverse is 💀#the rangers are a team of detective for the public sector in this au#and dr mortum is an unassuming everyday scientist that should not peak the rangers interest in any way. at all#in the video game that exists in my head the player can pick between playing julia or ricardo#it doesnt change the storyline that much but it does make the character relationships funky so#in my head chen is best friends with julia and argent is best friends with ricardo#chen and ortega stumble into the metaverse together so if you pick julia its two best friends in a life or death situation#but if you pick ricardo its your sisters best friend+kinda your boss in a life or death situation which personally i find extremely funny#regardless of which ortega you play with the other one doesnt know about the metaverse until id say like. the end of the first palace? beca#use thats when they start getting suspicious#and because this is ortega they follow them and find out about the metaverse that way#i dont think they become a phantom thief but i think they do end up covering the others asses irl#dr mortum still isnt actually a doctor but i think theyre the one providing medicine to them at the start of the game#theyre extremely wary of the rangers at the start and ortega can barely convince them to sell them things which they still charge-#-extremely high over. i think the turning point comes when they discover the metaverse because holy fuck they are So excited about it#both because of the implications and what the metaverse could be used For#chen is not thrilled about letting them know this but theyre kind of their supplier so its not like he can argue#i think mortum joins the phantom thieves eventually but as a navi#obviously its in their best interest to provide everything for free now that theyre part of the team but they still have to order supplies-#-so i think the way it works out in game is that theres certain days supplies can be ordered and you have to pay for it but the items can b#-picked up at any day of the week#but also i have no idea how that would work practically (its all in my head anyway so it doesnt actually matter but yk)#theres still more thoughts about this but im ✨running out of tags✨ and also i cannot organize my thoughts enough to explain it#im not main tagging this its going to be my silly self indulgent au for eternity ok
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
I think my funniest, borderline shitpost clatchet headcanon is that not only isn't Ratchet actually gay, he's not even into robots at all; Clank is just a funny exception. Ratchet's like, really into his robot boyfriend's wires and all that but the concept of other robots and other guys gets him all funny in his tummy.
#i can see the vision behind bisexual ratchet though#i personally just think its so fucking funny if hes straight and doesnt actually wanna fuck robots#save for that one robot thats been there from the very beginning#and even then i dont think clank being a robot really matters that much considering hes got an organic soul#vitya.txt#clatchet#ratchet x clank#again this is just shitposty material so its not an hc i always adhere to
13 notes
·
View notes
Note
first female loz director and the gerudo seem to be written fine enough? wow... there ain't no way I thought we were in the worst timeline after totk
Yeah got through the main quest with the gerudo, it wasn't painful! It wasn't even bad! Still got them outfits but for the most part it was like oh cool!
I would say a lot of that oh cool is from the fact they didn't do a lot to even fuck it up to begin with, I'm gonna be real with yall this game is NOT worth $60USD
Edit: lemme say one thing, you know when people were being like damn totk story wasn't dark or mature at all why was this compared to Majora's mask again? And then all the zeldatwt people came out and said zelda is just a kid series domt expect good writing uH
This one feels like a kid's game. That ain't to say it's terrible I would say, hell I'm not far in it if I get something crazy that's like OH FUCK I'll reblog this post and say something but uh.....game for babies I'm gonna be shocked if anyone struggles with any puzzles cuz you CAN CHEESE THEM EASY ITS 🫢🤭
EDIT EDIT: I SWEAR IM NOT EVEN TRYING TO BE A DOWNER..... @ezlo-x HAS BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME IVE BEEN PLAYING....THEY KNOW I HAVENT BEEN A PARTY POOPER.....
#its......seems quick#the sidequests are very boring tbh#like this game should of been 45-50 max not 60#its cute i like it so far but oh my god the optimization and game design could of been way better#and after botw/totk like....how do i put this#its like nintendo heard hey we need a LITTLE bit of rail roading and then#😬#basically...example#for a main quest i have to go to 2 places to get people#i went to the 2nd place first and it......didnt update the side quest even though she should of gone to the meeting place#thTs apart of the quest but no i had to go to the 1st guy no matter what#and its like.....hey botw not totk would do that#most GAMES in general now wouldnt do something like that#also yall gonna hate the fact there is no organization or favorites tool for the echoes#game is fun so far but uH#i got through the first dungeon FAST FAST like this is not a return to form#minish cap dungeons i dont think were that fast and theyre simple#also anyone that says this dorsnt have mechanics from the wilds games yes it does#tri has an ability thats JUST ultra hand#oh and its not good in this game#yall gonna fucking hate it#unless somehow a pirated version doesnt allow you to rotate the fucking item or move it in a way that goes behind me#without me locking off and then back on again after repostioning myself#im worried its a feature and not an anti piracy measure#me and GC are gonna finish this up this week but dang i havent even done the whole first part of the main quest#if i had this on the switch i could see how fast i could play through the game WHILE talking to people and having fun and exploring#also oh my god the zora side quest very cute but when eveeyone knows how the game goes ill make one complaint in the tags one day#funny thing its not story....ITS GAMEPLAY#yhe story in the game is fine and i say that cuz its....very simple#HELL A LOT OF NPCS DONT GOT NAMES THAT ARE VISIBLE
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
i hate hypermobility i didnt know ribs werent supposed to be squishy until like 3 years ago i thought my partner just had unusually hard ribs damnt
#i love how i cant lay face down or on my side usually since i can feel them move and i can feel it press into mah organs#its probably slipping rib syndrome but not like anything can be done so it doesnt really matter lol
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
// sometimes I think about how many times in bg3 you get conflicts that don't have an objectively "best" outcome. I think about freeing the 7000 vampires, for example. Freeing them is the ethical thing to do, because they are all innocent victims, but it remains true that leaving thousands of vampires loose, even in the underdark, is a bad bad idea. Not only are they traumatized people, but they're predators who have only their instincts to help them survive in an unfamiliar land that isn't exactly bountiful in terms of wildlife. If they don't do well, they'll die or be slaughtered, and if they do they'll ruin entire communities or ecosystems, depending on whether they feed on people or animals.
#i was thinking again of that line minthara says about how the patriars should have the refugees work for them and have them defend the city#and tav is like 'um that's slavery you're describing?'#and she's like 'call it what you want but would you rather have them die of starvation stuck outside the city walls?'#and i mean the player doesn't have much to say in that matter but there is still a complex situation being presented with no easy solution#because bg has been the destination for refugees for a long time already#like it was already in a state of crisis after the descent when many people who could not return to their homes#massively started to arrive to the gate#right when their duke was gone and left the city without a ruler and the military without a leader#now the government is even WORSE and so is the refugee situation since they're now coming from everywhere#it is painfully true that the guild is still the only truly functioning organism in the city#and they're also having trouble with the absolute#like bg objectively doesnt have the space or the means to sustain the refugees#the patriars may#but in the end gold cant feed a family either#but eating the rich does sound like the most sensible option still-#ooc#the only objectively good ending i think is if you could leave the githyanki egg with lae'zel#also i think of the quest zevlor gives for killing kagha#which sounds like a sensible option when he says it but it prompts the grove massacre#but you can explain it to halsin and he understands that they forgot their principles and attacked defenseless refugees#and you merely defended yourself and them#then again if you look in the right places you can see dialogues suggesting that the refugees are indeed damaging the grove#like chopping trees without the druid's consent#so.#yeah i just have a deep appreciation for some aspects of the game's writing#that show there often isn't an objectively best choice#and you are just doing your best with the information you have and what your morals dictate
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
Swifties prove everyday that they’re the dumbest people on the internet and that’s really saying something cuz I’ve dealt directly with blarkes
#1) swifites always being racist toward Beyoncé#2) swifities doxxing a Palestinian girl and sending her info to the IDF cuz she said that there were better options for Time’s PotY#3) swifites beefing with North West – a literal child – cuz they thot she “shaded” Taylor#4) swifites commenting snake emojis on Kim K’s insta posts thinking they’re doing something other than driving up her engagement and lining#her pockets#t swift#also these are all just annoying things I’ve seen happen TODAY#I cannot wait until we are released from whatever govt psyop we’ve been under for the past few years cuz I’m over this endless string of#swift propaganda 🔫🔫🔫 it’s literally insane and no matter how many times I block people or hit not interested in posts I am still forced to#see shit about her like it is never ending and it’s so fucking exhausting like the way white women in particular make being a swifite their#whole personality is so embarrassing!!! THIS EOMAN CANNOT SING YALL!! AND IM TIRED OF BEING NICE AND SAYING SHE HAS DEVENT SONG WRITING#SKILLS CUZ SHE DOESNT!! EVERYTHING ABOUT HER IS MEDIOCRE AT BEST!!! SHE CANNOY SING AND HER LYRICS ARE THE MUSICAL EQUIVALENT OF WATTPAD FF!#I am so tired of this bullshit and I used to be able to find reprieve in football but no more!! cuz her and her annoying cult have#infiltrated that too like this shit is annoying and I feel like I’m going crazy cuz she’s everywhere and not in an organic way. In a very#strategic marketing capitalistic way and I love The Wilds but I hate how the fandom has like woven TS into everything there too like#I think I’m gonna commit a crime. I think imma toss someone through a brick wall cuz I’m losing it
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
looking at the clock and going "oh. i didn't. even realize it was past 8pm." and its not funny or cool its just unbelievably concerning
#medusa rambles#kind of venty ig#ive been having. a really shitty two weeks and an even shittier few days#i decided to step down from the student organization i started a year ago#which basically means itll probably fade into oblivion#i lost so many connections i had to this awful fucking college#in the past two weeks#and its like#all i have left tying me there is a degree that i don't really need for what i want to do#and a handful of professors & staff i genuinely value#i have very little support system in general and its just#why am i even staying here#why stay. genuinely why stay#i am such a community based person and like#i have no community there#everyone who im close with there just#are busy and i get it and i understand it but we Don't Talk. they understand my life via scattered updates that they dont really care for#and talking into the void is funny until its. not.#and logically i know that this is just like. pure depression speaking and not actually reflective of whether my friends care for me or not#but it just doesnt matter#and i think its just like. i Need to stop trying#because every attempt at any form of connection#that just fails completely and utterly is so severely damaging#but what do i have if i don't try. what is there otherwise.#i remember a year ago#when i first started college#sitting in my dorm and sobbing every night because i was just so fucking isolated from everyone around me#and its like. nothing has really changed. i am just as isolated as i was then#i think honestly like. maybe i do just need to be hospitalized again#i dont. feel like i did when i was 16 but i know that This is not sustainable and not good and like. sitting and going
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
It's interesting to me that understandings of transsexuality have been almost exclusively filtered through the lens of queerness and the social aspects of gender. In other words, that the "T" was added to "LGBT." I've thought for a while that in a lot of cases, transness — and specifically dysphoria — makes a lot more sense when analyzed through the lens of disability rather than through queerness. (Personally I see it as being at the intersection between those things.)
I think that a theory of transsexuality would be incomplete without taking into account the societal aspects of gender, yes, but it seems to be similarly incomplete in the popular understanding of it.
I've seen a lot of discussion in the stuff I've read by disabled people about the contention between being objectively harmed or, well, disabled, by your disability, but still wanting to be proud of it or finding identity in it regardless. A lot of autistic communities, I've noticed, talk a lot about the fact that being autistic is difficult; it's made worse by other people's reactions to it, but it still is hard on its own (e.g. auditory overstimulation); yet people still can say that they'd rather be autistic than not. Or they may say they wish they weren't, but that they've come to terms with it because it's not exactly changeable.
Point is, there's open discussion about the differences between inherent challenges to your disability regardless of society, the ways which ableism makes things more difficult, and the contention of finding identity and community in your disability despite that. (And I use autism as an example because I'm autistic; I don't want to speak for, say, a physically disabled community as I'm able-bodied. But I have seen similar discussions there as well.)
The trans community, as I've seen, doesn't really have that. We're polarized between the extremely self-hating people who think that being trans is a curse and that people who like being trans are just fakers co-opting transness, and the toxically positive contingent who refuse to engage with the fact that sometimes dysphoria really does just hurt. And also that transphobia exists.
There's also the fact that in many ways, dysphoria is actually disabling. It isn't for everyone, and part of the problem is that transness as a concept covers so many things that analyzing it through just one lens will always be incomplete, but for me at least it caused me a lot of depression and dissociation, and made it difficult-to-impossible to interact with other people or function at my classes. Back before I medically transitioned, I related a lot to some descriptions by disabled people about their chronic pain, because my dysphoria effectively was chronic psychological pain. I don't want to say it's the same thing, because obviously I've only experienced one of those things, and dysphoria has a treatment while many (all?) chronic illnesses don't, but nevertheless it was a comforting lens to think of my dysphoria through in the time before I got top surgery.
Also of note is the way both our communities are treated by the medical establishment. I've heard many horror stories by disabled people of how doctors simply refuse to diagnose them or give them issues with their meds. Trans people obviously also have to deal with the shit that doctors put out in order to get access to HRT and any necessary surgeries. People deride HRT, saying that we shouldn't take it because it'll "make you a medical patient for life." People act like mental pain isn't real — calling depression fake, acting like because things like fibromyalgia aren't "real pain" that it shouldn't bother you so much, etc. — and that extends too into the way they dismiss the pain of gender dysphoria.
So, I don't really understand why the trans community has taken so many pains to disavow themselves from being considered even remotely similar to disabled people. I know that the common refrain, "we're not mentally ill!" is meant to combat the idea that we're deluded into thinking that we're a "different gender" than we really are, but the effect is throwing actually mentally ill trans people under the bus. The insistence that there's no way that dysphoria should be considered a disorder because there's nothing wrong with us — I just think that we could take a hint or two from the way that disabled people theorize about this subject.
#trans#transgender#transsexual#o.#trans theory#disability#this post is kind of all over the place bc I have a lot of thoughts on the subject and I haven't really organized them yet#so sorry for the rant#hopefully someone who knows more about sociology and/or disability theory than I do can say whether any of this makes sense lol#I am very much not a sociologist or even close to being one#also theres a whole bunch of other ways I think the trans community could benefit from listening to disabled people that I didnt say bc thi#post is long enough#(understanding ''disabled'' as an umbrella term which covers a wide range of disparate experiences)#(high-support needs vs low-support needs and understanding that some people need more stuff (analogous to more extreme dysphoria) but that#both are affected by their disability even if they might need different things)#(people have competing access needs sometimes & that doesnt mean that either person is wrong but just that every space can't cater to every#body)#just in general I think disability theory & even just general discussions in the disabled community seems a lot more robust and in depth#than the stuff I see about trans people#I really do tend to view my transness as more of a medical condition than a social identifier so maybe that influences my thoughts on the#matter#it seems the only other people who think that way are transmedicalists and I'm not touching them with a ten foot pole. their anti-nonbinary#hatred alone makes it impossible to even consider doing so
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
dude what is it with my favorite fnf mods of all time and having all of their lore and supplememtary information just completely inaccessible to the general public
#meow meows#yes this is about mfm and hazy river. neither of which are purposeful which makes it Worse#like both situations are completely understandable and i get Why i just. i just wish it was Easier#esp since im not hyperfixated on fnf anymore but its still a huge special interest#so its like. im not motivated enough to go digging to find more canon info but i DO still wanna see stuff about it occasionally#like dude dorabase has easier to fimd canon info out thwre than these guys and that manga is a japan only release thats like 20 years old#me when all my lore information is either library of alexandria'd on a deleted twt account or is exclusice to/buried in discord servers#and again. i get why its like they for both of them this is just a minor pet peeve#the creators dont owe us anything and have every right to control what info they release and how#i just wish this shit was a bit more ORGANIZED thats all#anyway. this doesnt matter in the grand scheme i just thought abt it again and got frustrated bc it hurts my archivist heart
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
once again in a murderous mood due to the menstrual agonies
#it doesnt happen often but SOMETIMES i will get cramps on-and-off BEFORE i actually get my period#and this time the actual period is A WEEK LATE (no im not pregnant) but i STILL get the cramps#and tmi but i was changing my cup last night and saw a teeenie-tiny bit if blood and was like ughh FINALLY#and i even woke up in the middle of the night due to cramps (FOR THE SECOND NIGHT IN A ROW)#BUT THEN! THIS MORNING! NO BLOOD IN THE CUP#AND EVERY TIME I GET THE BEGINNINGS OF A CRAMP ITS LIKE#'if i dont take pain meds IMMEDIATELY i will be bed-ridden with the pain fpr 6hrs' cause missing that window means meds have no effect#so the FAKE cramps#they START in the same way the real ones do but dont develop into that intolerable all-encompassing lvl 8-10 pain#but i can never KNOW for certain which ones i got until i see that theres actual blood#so ive been taking HIGH doses of pain meds for the past 4 days now 🤪🤪🤪#anyway#i wish they did hysterectomies when patients just like. asked them to.#but also i wish i didnt have only bad experiences with obgyns because every time ive gone i havent received help#but i HAVE been told 'oh the pain is just normal but it CAN be lessened SOMEWHAT after giving birth! :~) '#ok let me just get preggers real quick and then give birth and then dump the baby in a dumpster somewhere i guess#cause i sure as shit dont want one#i feel like perhaps having a growing organism grow inside and draw nutrients/resources from your own organism#and then ripping you open as it exits#is more difficult for a body to handle than the surgical removal of an organ#also the former takes 9months and is followed by a lifetime of commitment or any and all distress coming from putting it up for adoption#and the latter is over within a matter of hours and you never have to worry about periods pregnancies or parenthood ever again#anyway vol 2#im at my limit etc etc etc#berry talk
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
If you became super rich and could design your own house, but could only add THREE unnecessary/random/expensive home additions (like how people will have bowling alleys, movie theatres, closets with museums of shoes, car display rooms, spa rooms, wine cellars, etc. in their mansions) - what three would you choose?
#I think I would have: an indoor pool (but like heavily customized with a faux weather system so I could get the feeling of swimming in#rain or fog or snow etc.). a very small arcade consisting only of skee-ball and DDR machines. and an old Library Room with authentic#historical furniture/interior design to store old books/tapestries/study room equipment/whatever other antiques I'd collect. It'd be#like some fully intricate movie set or something that would feel completely like stepping into another world/time.#Though I might would trade out the arcade for a roller skating rink.. i DO love skating....#And I wouldve put rock climbing gym because I love indoor rock climbing but.. as I understand it they have to change out the rock things#on the walls every once in a while so that you can have new routes and it doesnt get boring. and I'd rather have an activty room thats like#self sustaining and doesnt require me to hire some person to come switch things around once every month. Otherwise I would#totally do that instead.#I'm also personally not counting ''craft'' type stuff like having a pottery room kiln sort of thing because#that doesn't count as 'unnessecary' to me. since stuff like that would not at all be just a hobby I 'happen to#do sometimes for fun'#but would definitely be a career sort of thing. Like if I had the money for a fully stocked sculpture room and and a sewing room#with a good machine and etc. then I would literally be professionally selling pottery and designing clothing and etc.#so I wouldn't count it as 'just a random side room I dont need' etc.#The same way that if I played tennis professionally or as a very intense hobby that takes up most of my life/time#then I wouldn't count having a tennis court in your house to practice in as 'unncesscarry' etc.#wow that is the worst I have ever spelt that word ghbjh#Un Cess Carry#ALSO would obviously have an underground bunker of some sort with food and emergency supplies which also does not count as unnecessary to m#since it's literally like... survival.. And I thought most health organizations literally reccomend that even#the common person has a small 'go bag' prepared in their house. and like an evacuation plan in case of fire or other things#It WOULD be an unnecessary rich person thing to have a full on undergRound village or something stocked with 9000 guns and#whaetever. but I think just a basic emergency room with basic supplies could still be counted under the 'not unnecessary' requirement.#Like I would say that a sprawling courtyard of flower gardens and fountains and hedge mazes that takes up like a hundred thousand#dollars a year in maintenance would count as one of the three 'unnecessary and expensive' things. But having a small garden in the#back yard with a few planters in a little greenhouse or whatever would not. The 'excessiveness' of the thing matters lol#ANYWAY!!!#Just curious what other peoples Three Main things would be... hrrmm
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
gmmm!!!!
#how r we all...... spent the morning in my brothers shop painting minis n talkin bout his garden :]]]]#sometimes i think he's the only one in the family Without autism because-- well that doesnt matter#but then i like. go out to his shop where he has meticulously taken care of hundreds of seedlings organized in row/column system with color#coding and like fifteen pages of notebook notes & each of them has their own specific soil blend & he's out there#for hours a day taking care of them & also his raised bed he made by hand & carefully made & filled to his own incredibly specific#requirements & he has a carefully and lovingly planned out layout and organizational system for Every Single One of his shop tools#including the china markers & then i just go ah! so he got the USEFUL autism. how come i dont get the learning everything#ever about cement autism & instead im just insane over gay people on my laptop screen. NSKDHFHFJG#hes so cool though hes the best :] good morning. good vibes. anyway hi how r we all!!!#txt
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is#all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much#because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions#mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect#and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it#it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter#but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but#mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read#cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about#how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron#separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward#the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not#allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i#talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand#so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday#and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself#sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like#reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it#doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of#ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put#myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing#unrelated
12 notes
·
View notes