#so it would be so fucking hilarious if she ripped them from rekindled

[genericpuff]

We've Finally Come Full Circle <3

The union of mouth to tail in the great Ouroboros is complete.

(FP SPOILERS AHEAD!!!)

No no, this isn't cause for anger. I'm not upset or anything about this.

I'm flattered.

Because if this isn't a coincidence and she's reading Rekindled and she mimicked my little cartoon chibi heads in her newest FP episode... Rachel is supposed to be the #1 creator on the platform with a series that's marketed as a "worldwide sensation"; and she has to resort to ripping off foefiction - created for the purpose of improving upon her foundation that she built in 2018 - in lieu of utilizing her own ideas?

That's pretty damn cool. Disappointing because the #1 creator on the platform shouldn't be doing this, but still, pretty cool, you got me. Well played Rachel. I'm not gonna "clapback" at this, I'm not gonna "get revenge" through any sort of quip towards LO in Rekindled because I've already accomplished that. I've already proven my point. Every time I update Rekindled, I prove my point and "clapback" through my own efforts to create something new out of what you started but couldn't finish. And if this was intentional, then we've truly come full circle in a way that I can only smile at, because it's delightful.

Thank you for featuring a little piece of what I've contributed to this community in your work. I'm still not entirely convinced that this was intentional or satisfied if it was, I'm still waiting to see a box of generic off-brand cereal dumped down the toilet or hurled across the room, but this will suffice. The show goes on and so will we ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡

[kawaiichibiart]

I can't be bothered to go back and find it, but I still think it'd be fucking hilarious for the next April Fools event to be us playing with the NPCs and seeing them as the temp. units.

I'll even give y'all what I would do with each group.

This a long one y'all, buckle in, some units have more info than others, just so ya know.

Leo/need - STANDOUT, leader Iori, other members: Mio, the rest of STANDOUT (do they have names?)

Sekai isn't a school, but rather a live house. Iori and her bandmates all have this desire to go pro, however, much like in the VBS main story line, their bassist, Mio, decides to quit and leave the band, and it hits Iori the hardest. They eventually reconcile, blah blah blah, STANDOUT is formed.

Their VS are Miku and Meiko. Miku's hair leans more blue than teal and has several streaks of black in it rather than having the underside be a hot pink, and is tied in low pigtails. Her outfit consists of a bomber jacket over what looks like a band t. In place of a skirt, she has ripped jeans, similar to that of the male street-parka outfit you can buy in Proseka.

Meiko dresses more like a manager. Very sharp, deep red, suit. She however, also wears crop tops with the same band graphics as Miku's. You don't see it often because she usually has her jacket buttoned all the way, and you only ever see it when she's playing along side Miku, rather than being her manager.

And for the fun of it, no real thought behind the why (for any of these so....): their Untitled Song becomes Unhappy Refrain

MORE MORE JUMP! - Blossoming ✿ Melodies, leader Mai, other members: Nanami, Yuina, and Ayaka.

Unlike in canon, Haruka, Airi, and Shizuku never go back to being idols. While she has apologized to Haruka, Mai realizes it's too little too late, and starts doubting her own worth as an Idol. She eventually meets Yuina, who shows her videos of a girl who wished to be an idol, but after being rejected so many times, went on to pursue dance. Yuina admired the girl for finding a new passion that wasn't far from what her original dream was. It gave her hope that, even if something didn't work out, it didn't mean that there wasn't anything out there for her to enjoy with her entire being. The two girls will later meet Nanami and Ayaka, and after some thought, Mai asks the girls to form an idol group with her. There's some hesitance, but they all agree to it eventually.

Their Sekai is similar to the Stage Sekai, but it's outdoors rather than inside a huge auditorium. There are several flowers all around that represent one thing: hope. Blossoming ✿ Melodies was created to spread hope not just for a better tomorrow, but for sparks to rekindle in the hearts of people, whether they follow their dreams, or find a new one entirely, in other words, they hope people who listen to them never give up on finding happiness.

Their VS are, much like MMJ, Miku and Rin.

Miku's hair is actually the soft pink of Sakura Miku. Because their Sekai is an outdoor stage with lots of flowers, the VS have floral inspiration. Miku's being cherry blossoms (sakuras). She's dressed in very soft pinks with deep teal as an accent to compliment her eyes. She has cherries and sakura flowers attached to her pigtails.

Rin is dressed in different shades of yellow. This is the only Sekai where rather than her short hair, we see her with longer hair by default. Her bow is much smaller, only visible from the back, and attached to it, in the center, is her flower: the daffodil.

Untitled Song: Upside Reverse Rainbow

Vivid BAD SQUAD: I don't have name for them tbh :/ anyways..... Leader: Arata, other members: Souma, Nagi, and Taiga.

While the desire to surpass RAD WEEKEND is still there, this groups true feelings is to recreate that event. They want people to come together once again and enjoy music.

If they surpass RAD WEEKEND, great. But they just want to be seen as an impactful and memorable event. They want people to show up and realize that they wanted to pursue music as well.

Taiga tries to get Ken to join him and Nagi once again, but Ken declines. They eventually meet Arata and Souma and after learning they wanted to surpass RAD WEEKEND, they agreed to help them.

Their Sekai, much like Blossoming ✿ Melodies, is similar to their original units (VBS) Sekai. It's a street Sekai, but rather than a cafe, they're close to several live houses, each one reflective of a VS that has yet to appear.

Their VS are Miku and Len. They're dressed very similarly to their OG Street Sekai looks, like in terms of style rather than clothing items:

Miku's pigtails are tied low on her head and she has a leather cap on her head. She wears sweats and an oversized cropped jacket over a simple tank top. She's very active and wants to put on a grand musical event. She's always running around and is filled with determination.

Len forgoes his puffed vest and wears a faded denim jacket over a graphic t. His jeans are covered in paint. He will sometimes add a streak of color to his bangs with temporary hair dye. He's more interested in art than music, so he's been helping Miku make posters and designing things she can wear. He still enjoys music, but finds making the art for said music more fun.

RAD WEEKEND eventually becomes something less and less spoken of and just hosting a music event becomes their priority.

Arata still wants to surpass it though and has often left when he's told he doesn't have to have every performance be done with the sole intention of surpassing an event.

He feels like the other three don't get it. That Taiga and Nagi forgot about how it impacted people. They were there. Surely they would see where he was coming from. They had to. But they didn't.

The group splits apart several times before they all realize they were being dumbasses about this.

Taiga even talks with Ken to get his opinion and is told to get a grip. He wanted to continue this, right? Continue making music events that brought people together and opened dreams? Ken knew An wanted to put on her own event one day with her maybe girlfriend (he hoped he was right about their relationship, An always mentioned Kohane Asuzawa when they spoke and it always sounded like they were more than friends). He knew that Akito Shinonome and Touya Aoyagi bonded over street music, Akito had told him himself that RAD WEEKEND made him realize music could be something he could pursue and how he hadn't felt passionate for something in so long until he saw RAD WEEKEND.

RAD WEEKEND wasn't meant to be seen as something to compete with. It was something that brought people together. In his eyes, as long as people came together, enjoyed themselves and found something about themselves, anyone could surpass RAD WEEKEND. But if they just wanted the fame and glory, it didn't how big of a crowd they got. It wouldn't have the same impact.

The group still has struggles and will often go to Ken for advice.

Miku and Len share similar opinions as Ken. They want an impactful and memorable event rather than a big event that will make them famous. What's the point in making an event if people don't remember it or only remember the size and aren't impacted by it (very much a "did this once, it was fun, let's move on" thing).

The first event they host is very small, almost no one shows up and the group feels frustrated. But outta the few people who do show up, a young, blonde, girl walks up to them with her friend, thanking them for letting her experience the event and letting her and her friend perform despite not having played in years. She didn't realize how long it's been since she played her keyboard. She didn't realize how much she missed it until they let her play. It was messy, short and rough, but she did it. She left with her friend, thanking them still as she left for reminding her of something she loved.

It was one person, but they did it. They made an impact. They helped someone find their passion for music again.

With that, they began to plan more events.

One day, they will surpass RAD WEEKEND, and if they don't, as long as they make an impact like they did for that one girl (Nagi tells them how she found out the girl and her friend began posting videos of them playing their instruments and singing alongside a boy that seems related to the blonde haired girl, a girl with pink hair, and sometimes a boy with two toned hair) than that's all that matters.

Untitled song: FREELY TOMORROW

Wonderlands x Showtime: Phoenix ReIncartion, leader Sakurako, other members: Hinata, Keisuke and Shousuke.

After numerous attempts at failing to get the park's number of visiters up, the three eldest Otori siblings agree with their father that the best thing to do was to remodel more. And while she fought and fought for it, their younger sister, Emu, wasn't able to save the Wonder Stage. They tried telling her it was for the best, but she wouldn't listen. They were tearing apart their grandfather's park, his dream, did they not care?! She left that night to stay with a friend (it's Tsukasa, if you're wondering). The three elder Otoris were unsure what to do. Hinata eventually spoke with Sakurako, wanting her judgement on the tearing down of the Wonder Stage since she A. works at PXL and B. is close to Emu's age. She agrees that it was old and that it would have gone down at some point. Why wait for the inevitable to happen? Of course, she doesn't tell Hinata her worries. With the park changing so much, how long will it be before they decide she isn't needed? She also doesn't want to be seen as immature for being upset with changes coming to the park, she's only about 17-18 after all.

Hinata decides that it's up to her, her brothers and Sakurako to bring more people to the park. She chooses the name Phoenix ReIncarnation for their group as a tie to both bringing back Phoenix Wonderland to it's former glory, and because phoenixes rise from the ashes, they're reborn, reincarnated if you will.

They all agree the park has to change, but Sakurako eventually does fess up and say she could understand where Emu was coming from. Changes to the park were fine, but the point of the park shouldn't change. The park was made to make people happy, to make them leave with a smile no matter how old they were. She understands why their sister is upset and why she refuses to talk to them. She understands that change is good for the park, but she also understands how it feels to not be heard, to have something that makes her happy be ripped away from her. It was less so the Wonder Stage being torn down and moreso being told after it was already set in stone to be demolished. Sure, Emu would still be upset, but she'd likely still be on speaking terms with her family if she didn't find out at the very last second. And by last second, I mean LAST second. She thought she had time. That she was being given a chance but she wasn't. That's why she's upset. She never got to prove she could bring the Wonder Stage back. She never got the chance to perform on it. By the time she found one person to help her, the stage was being torn down. So it's no surprise to Sakurako that Emu chose to stay with the one person who did listen to her and wanted to help, as opposed to her family who seemed to never hear her out. This confession leads to more conflict as Shousuke and Keisuke were still in the belief they did nothing wrong and that Emu needed to "grow up" eventually.

Their Sekai is the Theater Sekai. Unlike the Wonderland Sekai, which is filled with so much life, the Theater Sekai is very empty and has a loud echo to it. The chairs are always empty. Dust is everywhere. The posters are faded and torn. The curtains are stained.

Their VS are Miku and Luka.

Miku never has a consistent look, having her teal hair in different styles, and always dressing up different ways (think World is Mine Miku). She's very demanding and tells them that this is what they wanted, wasn't it. They got their glorious theatrical stage. They got a worthy star (Miku herself) to perform for them. What's wrong? This is what they wanted, right?

Luka is very cold and snippy with them. She, much like Meiko in the Live House Sekai, dresses in sharp suits. However, she's very strict with her dress code and with adjusting things without asking, which leads to her and Miku fighting a lot.

Phoenix ReIncarnation learns through them that family business can be messy and it can lead to many people getting hurt or becoming distant. The Theater Sekai was once full of people. People loved their shows. But eventually, Miku wanted more and more and more, to the point she was making so many demands the other VS left. Luka, being her older sister figure, stood by her but eventually she began making decisions without telling Miku, because she saw that their Theater was losing its once former glory. They learn that Miku is very much a mix of them, wanting the best and deciding to go forward with plans purely for business, but also a reflection of Emu, the younger sibling who wanted to prove she could save something she loved if given the chance. It was an odd combo and left them wondering if Emu would have turned out like her if she had gone with their plans so long as she got something in return, as opposed to wanting to save one single stage and eventually the rest of the park in opposition to them making any changes.

Luka was more like the Otori's father. She forgot what the theater represented, why she, Miku, and the rest of VS opened it. She only saw Miku's desire to do bigger, grander, things, and she decided to go with it. It led to them opening a bigger theater, to having lavish curtains and beautiful costumes, but it also led to fights. The Kagamines were the first to leave, neither of them happy with their ideas being ignored and not being listened to in general (also a reflection of Emu), KAITO left shortly after, just to keep an eye out on them. MEIKO was the last to leave, finally fed up with everything and that all the changed Miku and Luka were making would ruin the theater that had once been so full of life.

Phoenix ReIncarnation realize the Sekai was reflecting a very strong probability. The fall of Phoenix Wonderland. Changes were meant to be good, but they can also be bad. They wanted glory, they wanted more, but it was splitting the Otori family apart and less people kept showing up despite having popular characters and shiny new rides.

They struggle convincing Mr. Otori to cut back on some major changes and to rather fix old attractions that were popular before they broke down.

They do promotions outside the park. Sakurako does snippets of her own shows. But it never felt like enough.

And out of pure desperation, Sakurako looks for Emu, and finds her walking side by side with a boy with blond hair that had peach colored tips. She asked to talk and Emu refused to at first, so when her friend said they should sit down somewhere more private, Sakurako thanked the gods.

Once they were seated in a café, she began to talk. She asked them to listen. And she told them everything she could. She left out the Sekai and VS, she didn't want to sound weird to them, and asked Emu if she was willing to help.

Phoenix Wonderland was losing more and more visitors with every passing day. And damn it, Sakurako missed it. She missed the old rides. She missed the genuine smile the park once brought to her face. She didn't want to be a part of this dying park, but she also didn't want to give up on her dreams.

And with some encouragement from the boy next to her, Emu agreed to help her on one condition. Her friend, her performing partner, got a say in things. And thus, Emu Otori and Tsukasa Tenma begin doing small shows to promote PXL.

It takes a long time, but eventually the park begins to go back to what it once was. There aren't as many visits as before, but there's enough for Phoenix ReIncarnation to feel assured that everything they were doing would bring the park back to life completely one day.

Hinata, Shousuke, and Keisuke eventually show up at the Tenma residence, after learning from Sakurako that that's where Emu was staying, in hopes of talking with their sister.

And when they're let in by the boy they denied employment to, they sit down and finally decide to listen. Hinata told her brothers that they were going to hear what Emu had to say first. That the three of them would keep their mouths shut for once and listen to their baby sister. And they did.

They listened to every word, all filled with anger, sadness, hurt and disappointment. They listened to her cry over the loss of the Wonder Stage, over feeling like she was lied to when she was told she was given a chance to save it just to find out they were tearing it down anyways shortly after she met Tsukasa and got him to agree to help her. How she felt like she couldn't trust them anymore and if they would continue to lie to her. They listened as she just cried and cried and eventually were gently kicked out by Tsukasa who had all but welcomed their sister into his family by now. He wished then luck and shut the door in their faces.

It wasn't until they begged Tsukasa to bring Emu to the park that the siblings began to reconcile. Because in place of a new attraction, they convinced their father to rebuild the Wonder Stage. Bigger, better and safer to use, and in honor of the man who created the park in the first place. It was still being rebuilt when they showed Emu, but it was made with the promise of being hers, if she wanted it. And that was the first time in months that she smiled at them with joy.

She didn't accept it, not yet, not when she still felt hurt. But maybe one day. Just maybe one day.

Untitled song: CONNECT with the World!

Nightcord @ 25:00 - The Night • Watchers, leader Shinei, other members: Harumichi, Mrs. Asahina and Kounosuke Otori.

AKA, Shitty Parents™.

They all got together to discuss their children, how they had certain expectations for them or wanted to care for them but were met with malice and rebellion.

They think they're in the right.

Shinei and Harumichi don't get along that much though. Harumichi blames Akito for Touya's rebellious attitude, while Shinei blames Touya for influencing his son to continue street music when he could have focused on something else. His son would get nowhere in music, but he kept pushing forward because of Harumichi's son.

Konouseke barely talks to any of them, because he's too focused on his park.

Mrs. Asahina decide she want to help the two men that are fighting, seeing how her daughter is so well behaved.

Eventually they all begin calling each other to talk about what their kids did. They complained, spoke of the past, etc.

At one point, Mrs. Asahina had to ask what Shinei and Harumichi did when their kids ran away.

Kounosuke also asks when Emu runs away.

Shinei just waited until Akito and/or Ena came back and they just fought again.

Harumichi used to go to the Tenma residence to bring Touya back home, because that's where he always went, but stopped when the eldest Tenma child chased him out with a frying pan and with a threat of calling the police on him (and surprise surprise, the neighbors heard and one was an elderly woman who threatened him with her rolling pin, because how dare he bother the Tenmas? Especially since Tsukasa was chasing him out of his home, Harumichi must be bad news if such a polite young man like Tsukasa doesn't want him arround, go back home Tsukasa, we know you've been helping a friend out, you don't need more stress. See? That's a polite gentleman, not like you, someone who enters someone's home and has to be chased out >:/). Now he waits for Touya to come home whenever he runs off. Surprisingly he's been returning with glitter stickers on his face (Emu's doing btw, Saki usually does his nails) but he's been staying away longer and longer every time he runs away.

Essentially, they weren't of any help.

Mrs. Asahina are worried because Mafuyu is usually so well behaved. She didn't even know she had friends that close to her nor did she know where any of them lived. She didn't know what happened to her perfect, well behaved, daughter.

Kounosuke is moreso annoyed than worried, because, much like his sons, he believes Emu is being childish and just doesn't understand that's he's doing what's best for the park (he's also annoyed at his eldest three and Sakurako because they began to talk him out of things when they should just trust he has the best intention at heart).

Their Sekai is the Manor Sekai. A large mansion in a place that's almost always night time. It's very quiet, much like the Theater Sekai. But unlike the Theater Sekai, which slowly begins to go back to it's glory after Phoenix Reincarnation decided to change how they approached changes to the park and how to save it, it's always eerily quiet and dusty. It's not even like the Empty Sekai, which while empty, has this peace to it.

Their VS are Miku and KAITO.

Miku is dressed in a nightgown. Her hair is loose and she is always hiding from the adults. She's quiet and prefers being alone. The only person she talks to is KAITO (and the other VS when they finally show up).

KAITO is the butler of the manor. He's dressed in a crisp suit with a black tie and a towel in hand. He's very polite and always has this strained smile on his face when any of the four adults visit. He's Miku's caretaker and he didn't like the stress the four brought to her, so he oftened kicked them out and told them to explore the gardens and to leave his charge alone.

Miku: *hiding behind KAITO* KAITO, they scare me :(

KAITO: *to the Shitty Parents™* Get the fuck out you're scaring my kid :)

This is probably the one Unit that doesn't change their ways or rekindle a relationship. They're very much stuck in their ways and refuse to see they're in the wrong. The only one who does slightly is Kounosuke and he's barely changing. He's really only doing it so PXL doesn't close down for good, not because he wants to.

Untitled Song: A Lie and a Stuffed Animal

[frightgothcar]

HEY! Hey, you, reading this!!! I fuckin love writing but what I need to be able to write is a little thing called approval!! If you like this please comment and/or reblog!!!!!!!!!!

Area 51 au thingy. Danny/Wes. Songfic? Not really but the whole idea came from this song. V is based off of @its-towarzysz (main)/ @we-all-horny-here (sanders sides sideblog)/ @cockworktower (dp side blog) you should check them out, they make hella good content. Thanks to all my friends who helped me with motivation/proofreading. Tw for Death, Blood, Guns, and Violence. (Tell me if I forgot anything). I love this pairing and the lack of content sparks deep anger in my soul!! :)) Thanks for reading, enjoy!!

EDIT: Posting this on ao3 also @/godcannotdefeatfanfic 

September 20th, 10:30 am

Area 51

Wes Weston had nothing to live for. Ever since his Mom had gone out for cigarettes on his 6th birthday and never come back his life had been a constant downward spiral. Maybe that was why he was in the middle of the Nevada desert, preparing to attempt to rush a highly armed government facility with a million other suicidal Millenials.  

He fanned his face with his hand. It was over 86 degrees and he was practically melting in his Casper High spirit T-Shirt and blue jeans. He contemplated getting into his pickup truck and blasting the a/c but considering he only had a quarter tank of gas left, and it was a good 20 miles to the nearest gas station, he decided against it. Instead, he got onto his phone and texted his friends for the third time that morning. 

Basketball-Boi: where r yall? its hot.

Phurry: we’re just driving in!! Do u see us?

Basketball-Boi: uhhh whats ur car look like

Phurry: the silver one

Basketball: V there are like a million silver ones what kind of car

Phurry: uhh Val says its called a subaru we’re right by a black car

Red_Huntress: They’re standing on the roof and waving. Can you see us now?

Wes looked up from his phone to see a person, about his age, standing on the roof of a silver Subaru, wearing a black band t-shirt and neon green booty shorts. Their long blond ponytail swished around their face as they jumped up and down excitedly. A girl stepped out of the car and began scolding her friend. She was wearing a matching red pair of shorts, there was black lettering on her backside that he couldn’t quite make out. He began waving back, which only excited the blond more. They lept over the brown-skinned girl and bolted towards Wes.

“Ready to fuck some aliens, Basketball-Boi?” They pulled him into a tight embrace.

“I was born ready!” He laughed, “How are you, V?”

“Pretty gay, thanks for asking.”

Wes opened his mouth to speak but V cut him off with an excited shout.

“Oh! That reminds me!” They slipped their arms out of their backpack straps and dug through the mint green bag for a minute before pulling a pair of hot pink shorts, “I wanted us all to match! Made ‘em myself!”

They flipped the shorts around to reveal ‘100% Nasty’ embroidered onto the ass in black. They then turned around to show off their own message, that read ‘Trash Man’.

“I made one for Val too, c’mon, we have to wear them!!”

Wes grabbed the shorts and held them to his hips. “Is this what you needed my measurements for?”

They nodded enthusiastically, “I was gonna make us team jackets, but that’s so cliche.”

“Huh, I mean, don’t get me wrong, these are… great, but are you sure pink is my color?”

V rolled their eyes, “Of course I’m sure, Wes! Just put them on, you’ll see.”

Wes sighed and walked behind his red truck for some privacy, not that there was much of that, the field was crowded with cars. He pulled down his blue jeans, thankful for the breeze on his legs, and pulled on the shorts. They were a perfect fit, clinging to his waist, and resting on his barely existent hips. The feeling of showing so much skin was odd to him, he’d never worn anything that short in public, but the look on V’s face made it all worth it to him. They didn’t laugh like he’d been expecting them to, instead clapping their hands and going on about how relieved they were that the shorts actually fit. He did a quick turn for them, and they nodded in satisfaction.

“I think it’s about time we caught up to Val, did y’all remember to bring soda?”

“Only the finest Mountain Dew the 7/11 could provide, M’lady,” V grinned. 

“Than shall we be going, M’lord?” Wes held out his arm.

“Indubitably.” V linked their arm through his and they wandered through the crowd, searching for Valerie’s silver Subaru. 

“Wes! V! Over here!” Val called, waving the hand that wasn’t holding a Mountain Dew at her friends. The two of them waved back and jogged toward her. 

“Hey Val, long time no see,” Wes grinned as he pulled her into a hug.

“I missed ya, Weston,” Val reached up to ruffle his hair, but Wes dodged, pulling her into a headlock instead. 

“Missed ya too, Grey,” He gave her a noogie and released her, leaving her free to jump onto him and boost herself high enough to get revenge.

“Aww, adorable! Old lovebirds rekindling an old flame?” V fluttered their eyelashes at their friends, who immediately recoiled.

“Ew, no! Wes? If I had to pick a guy, maybe. And that’s a hard maybe. I’m too gay for this.” Valerie picked up her can from the hood of her car and took a swig.

“Yeah! She’s like my little sister!”

“Hey, I’m older than you!”

“By like two weeks!”

V broke into laughter, “Cool it lovebirds, I’m only joking.”

Val and Wes rolled their eyes at V, who was now on the ground, rolling with laughter. 

“Permission to pour some soda out onto our hilarious friend’s head?” Val asked teasingly.

“Permission granted! Fire at will!” Wes saluted. Val tipped her can enough to sprinkle V with the sticky green drink. They got to their feet, still laughing, and lunged for Val’s can. They knocked it backward, spilling soda all over Val’s shirt.

“EEK,” She squealed, “You’ll pay for this, Trash Man, If it’s the last thing I do!” 

She tried to push the can towards V, but they still had a grip on her arm. They tugged the can back and forth for a few seconds before it crumpled under the pressure.

“Shit!” Val swore, letting go of the can and cradling her palm. “I think I cut myself.”

V dropped the can, game of tag forgotten, and crowded next to their friend. Wes joined their huddle. 

“I think I have a first aid kit in my truck. How bad is it?” He asked.

Val opened her hand to reveal a small, but deep wound on the side of her palm.

“Shit, I’m so sorry, this is all my fault, if I hadn’t-” V began.

“Naw, it was as much my fault as yours. Anyway, we were having fun, and it’s really just a scratch. Keep focused on those Aliens, Private!” Val reassured them.

“Aye aye, Captain!”

Wes walked back to his truck, ignoring the stares of passerby. He grabbed his first aid kid (thank god for boy scouts) and walked back to Val’s car.

“So,” Wes ripped open a disinfecting wipe with his teeth and got to work cleaning her hand of blood. “How’s your dad?”

“He’s doing-” She drew in a sharp breath as he dabbed along the wound with a clean wipe. “Fine. The new job’s working out great, he’s happier than I’ve seen him in a while.”

Wes nodded and began wrapping her hand in gauze, “I’m glad. He wasn’t himself when you left.”

“It really all did work out for the better, didn’t it,” V smiled and handed Wes a length of medical tape. “Oh! I forgot! Val, show Wes what your ass says!”

She groaned, “Do I have to?”

V scowled, “Of course you have to, it was your idea!”

“I was just joking!”

“Tsk tsk, I think you’ve known me long enough to know that when it comes to cursed content, there are no jokes.”

“C’mon Val, it can’t be worse than ‘100% Nasty’,” Wes smirked.

V gasped dramatically and feigned offense, “You’ve wounded me! I work so hard, and for what, ungrateful friends?”

“Fine, if it’ll make you happy I’ll show him my ass. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She winked at him before turning to show her backside. Black embroidery spelled out ‘Booty Hunter’.

Wes burst out laughing, which quickly turned to hysteric noises only vaguely resembling laughter, squeals, and snorts with shrieking giggles between them. V and Val couldn’t help but join in. The second one of them stopped laughing someone would whisper Booty Hunter and it’d start all over again. 

“Okay, okay,” Wes gulped in air, “We- hic -should calm down now.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Val wiped a tear from her eye, “I am the Queen of Calm.”

V got to their feet and dusted themself off. “Totally calm. Calmer than a… something calm.”

“When does the raid start?” Wes pulled out his phone and checked the time. 12:00.

“Around, 12:30ish, we have time.” V waved their hand.

“I dunno, it’s already 12, maybe we should start getting ready.”

“What do you mean it’s already-” V snatched the phone from his hand, “Huh. Time sure flies when you’re having fun.”

“Wait, get ready for what exactly? I mean, we’re here, we’ve got our shorts on, there’s enough Mountain Dew in my car to drown an elephant, what else is there to get ready?” Val questioned.

“Uhhh, I dunno, stretch?” Wes shrugged, “It just feels like we’re forgetting something. What exactly is the plan for this whole thing anyway? Are there gonna be waves? Do we all go at once? This is a pretty poorly organized event.”

Val shrugged, clearly unphased by the lack of organization, “We’ll just go when everyone else starts running. I’m sure the start of gunfire will tell us when.”

“Look, if it’s making you so worried, we can stretch before. I’m sure everything will be fine. Plus, we all get alien Girlfriends, so it’s a win-win!” V put their hand on his arm. Wes smiled thankfully down at them.

“Yeah, that’s probably it. Yall must think I’m being a nitpick-”

“Not at all! You’re probably right, after all, it must be at least a mile to the base from here, and we can’t let cramps keep us from sweet sweet alien romance.” Val propped her leg up on the hood of her car and pressed her head to her knee, “Plus that’ll give us an advantage over the Kyles.”

V nodded and fell into a lunge, “We’ve been training since July for this, can’t let it get away now because we forgot to stretch.”

Wes bent over and touched his toes, “Thanks y’all, you’re really the best friends I could ask for.” 

The screech of a megaphone rang out through the valley. A voice came through the static, “Raiders! Get into position, we’re storming the gates in exactly fifteen minutes!” 

A cheer broke through the crowd as people began chugging what was left of their sodas and migrating towards the front lines. 

“Well, this is it I guess. If I don’t make it out of the raid, put this on my tombstone.” Wes gestured downward, where he was holding his hand in a circle. 

“Dammit!” Valerie chuckled as Wes gave her a playful punch in the arm. 

“You’ll never take me alive!” V shouted and sprinted forwards as Wes moved towards them.

“On your marks!”

“Wanna bet on that?” Wes shouted back, weaving through the crowd to catch up with them.

“Get set!”

V pushed forward, using their small frame to their advantage, easily losing the taller one in the crowd.

“Raid!”

The mob roared, then began thundering forward, but the deafening sounds of the people were nothing compared to what followed. Thousands of guns began firing at once, hitting everyone and everything in the vicinity. Wes watched with horror as the first wave of people were mowed down right before his eyes. A flash of neon green caught his eye through the carnage. He ran towards his friend, who was standing, paralyzed, next to a few other survivors. He shouted their name, and just as they turned their head another hailstorm of bullets rained down. The first one embedded itself right into V’s chest, right above their heart. Wes sprinted to catch his injured companion, but by the time he got there the life was already draining from their eyes.

“V! V, can you hear me? Don’t go into the light, hold on, ok? You’ve got this, V, answer me!”

He pressed his head to their chest, a weak heartbeat answered him. “It’s gonna be okay. Shhh, you’re okay.” 

Something wet dripped down his face, and he realized he was crying.

“...Wes,” V rasped out, then began violently coughing up blood. Little flecks of red peppered Wes’ face like freckles. “Fuck an alien for me, okay? Can you promise me that?”

Their body went limp in his arms. 

“V? V! V, wake up, please, that can’t be it, please V, you’re only 17, please!” He shook their corpse, but to no avail. V was gone. He closed his eyes and let out a shuttering breath before standing up, still clutching their body in his arms. 

“Second wave! On your marks!” The megaphone blared to life.

The crowd let out another, less confident cheer. After seeing all the carnage most of the raiders were less enthusiastic to ‘see them aliens’. But this time Wes had made up his mind. He was going to make it into that Government facility, and he was gonna burn that motherfucker to the ground.

“Get set!”

He laid his friend on the ground and pressed a kiss to their forehead. If it wasn’t for the massive amount of blood they could’ve been sleeping.

“Go!”

Wes screamed with all the anger he had in him and charged forward. Bullets rained down near him, but this time there were less of them. This time he had a chance. He saw the gate coming closer. He was only 50 feet away, he could make it! He hopped over the fence, ignoring the blaring of sirens, and kept running. He pushed his way into the building, where, surprisingly, there was no security. It looked like they had invested all their soldiers into protecting the outside of the base. His adrenaline rush began to slow down. He dragged his feet down the linoleum hallway, looking at his bloodsoaked hands. 

“What the fuck just happened?” He whispered to himself, still shellshocked. A flicker of light caught his eye. Grateful for a distraction, he turned his attention to what looked like a futuristic control panel. The buttons were labeled in some sort of code, their luminescent surfaces grinning up at him.

“Looking for me, Short-Shorts?” A calm voice echoed through the hall. Wes whipped around, ready for a fight.

“Why so on edge, Ginger? Surely I’m not that intimidating.” It purred.

“Who are you?!” Wes shouted. He winced at the echo. Did he really sound that unhinged?

“On your left.” 

He turned and found himself face to face with the most beautiful boy he’d ever seen. He looked about his age, maybe 17. His skin was tan, but had a slight blueish tint, as if he’d been without oxygen for a while. Poking from his tuft of pearly white hair was a pair of blur antenna. He had a small build, maybe 5 feet tall at best, but was floating at eye level with Wes. Speaking of his eyes, they were quite possibly the most gorgeous thing about him. He had eyes greener and glowyer (is that even a word? Either way it was true.) than toxic waste, his pupils were like a cat’s, slit down the middle. He was clothed in a baggy black prison jumpsuit. He looked almost alien. Wes realized with a start that he must be an alien. 

“Are you done staring?” The boy asked, snapping Wes out of his trance. “It won’t be long before the guards realize you’re in here, and I’d rather get out without a bullet hole.”

“I- I don’t- what are you?” Wes stammered.

“I’m Project Phantom, or Danny if you prefer. What’s your name?”

“I’m… Wes?”

[meetevieinthehallway]

i wish you were the one who told me.

in which harry’s lack of memory is the part that hurts the most.

-

“do you love me?”

the question sounded ridiculous.

how could she ask him this when every day he accuses whatever higher spirit that they sent down an angel to earth instead of keeping her in their haven. how could she ask him this when he looks at her like she spun the stars into their orbits and as if she was the reason that the earth had sunlight. how could she ask— question that—

“of course i do.”

his voice was shakier than he wished it had been; he didn’t want her to believe that there was any hesitation in his response.

“as much as you always said you did?”

“yes. more than that, more than ever.”

the room was tense.

it was evidently tense and harry was looking at his love as she sat away from his body on their sofa, her posture stiff as her hands rested on her thighs. her eyes were downcast on her fingertips and her eyebrows were furrowed, hands twitching and shaking with nerves and hesitation and ultimate sadness.

“i just— i..” she was at a loss for words. “i dunno what to say, h.”

his lip was bright red because of how crazily he’s been chewing on it, the skin going on its fifth hour of abuse as he sits in front of his girl. he wanted her to look at him, to see the truth in his eyes and to see the pain in his features, because god, she has to believe me.

“love.” his voice was weak and cracking. “i promise you, she—” he swallowed as his hands rubbed at his jeans, fingers practically sore from dialing her number all day. “she came onto me, okay? she had to have because i-i don’t want— i don’t want her, you’re the only woman i could ever want.” he gasped. “i’d never do that to you— never would i hurt you.”

it had been a long night.

a long night, and now a long day.

his girl had encouraged her boyfriend to go out with the friends that invited him, not knowing that his ex would be at the same club, at the same booth. she suspected nothing was wrong, because harry had come home drunk and whining for his love and she only smiled and brought him up to bed as he kissed at her neck.

it seemed like a normal night where harry parties with his friends.

but oh, this wasn’t a normal night.

they had lied in bed in the morning giggling and kissing and it wasn’t until harry played his voicemails out that the room dropped in temperature.

hey mate, jus’ makin’ sure you got home alright! we gotta do it again sometime: super fun. i know you had fun too, ‘specially with kendall. nice to see ya, mate, talk to ya later!

harry’s eyes had increased in their size as he held his phone, staring at it and watching it roll off his fingertips and onto his stomach.

“kendall?”

his love next to him had the same size eyes but these ones were gradually watering. her lips parted as she threw herself out of bed, harry’s voice speaking her name slowly. she stood, shaking, her arm reaching out and her finger pointing at his phone. harry couldn’t move.

“what— what…” she stammered, eyes glossy. “what does he mean? what— what did you do, harry?” she whispered, the accusing finger starting to shake. “why is he saying you guys had fun?”

“i—” he was at a loss for words. he didn’t think anything happened, just that he and kendall were both present at the same table and that they barely said a word to each other. harry sat up, racking his brain for any recollection of anything that happened with her. “nothing happened.” his head shook side to side.

“it fucking sounds like something did!”

“love i—” he shook his head. “she was there, yes, but nothing happened. i don’t know why he—”

“do you know nothing happened or do you not remember something that did happen?”

and harry could never lie to her.

maybe her questions haven’t been all that ridiculous.

it’s been a whirlwind of a day.

she had walked out the minute his silence confirmed his lack of memory of the previous night, and she returned hours later with tears down her beautiful face and an article pulled up on her phone.

harry styles and kendall jenner rekindle romance with a steamy kiss and night out on the town!

she hasn’t looked at him since she walked back through their door.

“please.” he whispered. “lovie.”

“harry if you call me any name like that one more time—”

“i’m sorry.” he whispered quickly, tears starting to blind his vision and sting his waterline, but he kept looking at her, blinking excessively yet still not capable of ridding the blurriness. “i am, i am.” he murmured, his lips trembling.

“i think i should go.” she whispered, eyes on her hands. “i-i… i don’t wanna be here.”

“wait—” he pleaded as she stood, harry standing with her and blocking her path.

her voice was weak. “harry—”

“i-i’ll give you space, i swear, please… please stay.” he whispered, fingers gently holding her forearms. “please, stay until i-i figure this out—”

she ripped herself away from his hands, skin burning from his touch. “there is nothing to figure out!”

this is the first time she’s looked at him since this early morning with her teary irises, when she was trembling and her mind was dizzy. her eyes now were laced with those same tears, but mixed with anger, heartbreak, hardness. she wasn’t trembling.

“you fucking kissed another girl while i sat here, in this home in your fucking clothing daydreaming about you.”

her hands shoved at his chest, his feet stumbling backwards until he was backed against the nearest wall, his eyes leaking as he sobbed.

“i refuse to sit here any longer just because you can’t get a fucking grip on what you have done.” those tears still filled her eyes but they did not spill down her cheeks. “i am ‘figuring this out’, for the two of us. i’m done.”

she stormed out for the second time that day, the slam of the door leaving harry against the wall with tears splattered over the hardwood flooring, his fingertips and his cheeks. he wiped his face with the back of his hand, sniffling as he sagged his way to the floor. his cries were uncontrollable and soul shaking, arms wrapped around his middle as he trembled.

proper job, harry.

he was sobbing.

you just lost the best thing that ever happened to you.

—

he was still on the floor when his phone rings.

it was hours later that his phone produces a harmony that pulls him back down to reality and makes him realize that he’s been sitting and crying and thinking for this long.

he peered over at the couch, seeing the blue light from his phone reflect onto the ceiling and—fearing his legs wouldn’t work—he crawled over, grasping it quickly. he told himself before he saw his lock-screen to not get his hopes up, but the realization that it’s not her, but mitch, calling, still twists the knife lodged into his chest.  

he moved slowly, sniffling, his body acting as if it was swimming in a vat of molasses. he sat back against the wall, bringing the phone to his ear.

“hey.” he mumbled, his voice croaking.

“mate!” he was laughing, and harry pursed his lips. he looked up into the darkened living room, pondering about how he could not going have a lighthearted conversation right now. “can you believe the tabloids!” he was still laughing, and harry sniffed.

he swallowed thickly. “what’s funny about them, mitch?”

“they’re fucking ridiculous!!” he was still laughing, cackling in harry’s ear as the younger man sighed.

“what? me fucking up is just hilarious, mate?” he grunted out, eyes teary but voice hard.

his chuckled repressed and there was a pregnant pause before mitch gives off a quiet “wait a minute” through his speaker. “you don’t actually believe that happened? damn, mate, how drunk were you?”

“what?” all the air had left harry’s lungs as he peered around the room. “what are you on about?”

“i’m confused.” mitch laughed awkwardly. “uh.. we’re talking about the tabloid of you and kendall.”

“yeah, i know.” harry said, feeling sick as he thought about it. about the idea of kendall, but more so about the idea of betraying the one woman he’s ever truly loved, the one he wants for the rest of his life. “i kissed her last night.”

“uh... no, you didn’t.”

the wall behind him wrapped around his body. “what?”

“h, the article’s fake.”

harry coughed, arm coming to his mouth before his knuckles smacked to the floor. “b-but there’s photos!”

“pretty sure they’re photoshopped from a time when you and kendall were a rumor.”

silence. harry’s fingers released his phone, the device about to fall when he half catches it, fumbling greatly and cursing. his mind was spinning, a wave of nausea coursing through his bloodstream; he was staring at the couch, eyes flittering and trying to focus. “w-what? it- it’s fake?”

“yeah. i mean— c’mon mate. even if you wanted to kiss her i wouldn’t have fuckin’ let you.”

“i— mitch.” he whispered, lungs vacant of any oxygen. “this makes no sense.” he breathed. “why did jeff call and say that i ‘had fun with her’?”

“i dunno.” he said “probably sarcastic because you cussed her out.”

“i cussed her out?!”

“yeah.” he mumbled. tears sprung to harry’s eyes, confusing and watery and blurring his sight as he tried to zero in on anything. mitch sighed. “you really don’t remember anything?”

“no!” harry’s breath was picking up, his hands trembling. he pulled his legs into his chest, body feeling weak. his heart is pulsing, throbbing, a tornado of emotions swirling in his abdomen.

“oh, well.” he cleared his throat. “she kept tryin’ t’get you to go back to her place but y’stood up at the table and you yelled about how you’d never betray your girl and you would never want to do anything with her. made her cry, ‘nd she left.” he says slowly, pauses between his words as he recollects on the exact actions.

pure, utter silence.

“call my girl.”

his words were what broke the pause hanging in the air and that dropped the temperature of the room.

“mitch, call my girl.” he whispered, heart stammering as his palm came to his chest.

“what?”

“mitch, fucking call her. tell her what y’told me, please.” he sobbed. “she’s not gonna believe me. please.”

“oh shit!” he gasped. “she thinks you cheated!? oh shit, h—”

“mitch.”  he croaked. “please.”

“o-okay. yeah. let me—” he hangs up quickly, harry’s phone crashing to the floor simultaneously.

he didn’t think he had any tears left, but here they were— spilling over his lips as he sobbed into himself. he was muttering and praying, rocking and shaking because this was all too fucking much.

“fuck fuck fuck.”

he doesn’t know how long he’s sitting there until his phone pings, twice, simultaneously, one text from mitch and one from the girl he’s in love with.

all set, mate.

i’m on my way home, harry.

—

the door slammed. harry couldn’t move; it felt as if he was cemented to the floor ever since he received her message. his body wasn’t letting him function properly, keeping him to the floor so he could feel all the forces of everything that occurred that day.

“h?”

her voice was softer and more nervous than ever before, making him shiver in his place. he parted his lips to speak, but no words emerged.

“h?”

“y-yeah.” he said quietly, hesitant as he heard the growing footsteps coming his way.

he saw her feet first. loud steps with wet shoes and harry questions himself if she had been walking in the rain. her wet coat answered that for him, her body stopping in front of him. her lips parted as she stared at him crumbled in a ball on the floor.

she doesn’t remember a time where he looked worse.

his frame was slouched and crumpled into his own body, a sad look on his face.

he looked small.

small and cold and frail and his neck and nose and cheeks were flushed red, his shoulders twitching. his hair had fallen onto his forehead and curled by his temples, his lip bit as he gazed up at her. he looked like a child who’s been scolded, crouched to the floor in fear and acknowledgment of a wrongdoing.

she couldn’t stand to see him this way.

“stand up, h.”

“i-i..” he looked down and sniffled. “dunno if i can.”

when harry looked up again there was a hand outstretched in front of his face, and his eyes flicked to look at his girl. he couldn’t read her expression, her eyes weren’t teary but her skin was red, and her stance was stiff but it looked as if he could push her over with his exhale. he slipped his fingers between hers, her arms pulling him to his feet. his balance was off, so his back fell against the wall, but his eyes stared at hers intently, his arms feeling weighed down.

“i’m out of questions.” her voice was a whisper, and when her hand fell out of his, she looked down. “y-you… all of this wasn’t real.” her voice was halfway lifted into the tone of a question, sounding defeated and troubled.

harry’s feet planted themselves a little bit firmer. “d-did mitch tell you everything?”

she nodded. “i— yeah.” she swallowed. “i wish you were the one who told me.”

“y-y’wouldn’t’ve answered.”

“i know.”

the air was tense again, and although the pauses were long, the mood was not awkward; they both could feel the weakness of the other. this situation was so fucked up, causing both of them utter pain and heartbreak and for nothing.

she felt utterly stupid.

there’d always been tabloids: ones that fabricate and cheat and steal and lie and harry always told her to ignore them.

but she couldn’t help it. this one had felt different, because even harry couldn’t confirm that an article was fake or real because of something he didn’t remember.

she felt utterly, astoundingly, stupid.

harry has never given any indication that he would be the cheating type— even the flirting-with-other-women-type. his past was clean, always filled of love and admiration for her, so why in the hell did she believe a stupid story?

“mitch said you yelled at her for flirtin’.” she didn’t know how to say it, how to apologize to the love of her life because she accused him so quickly when he was just as confused as she was. she sniffled once, then her hand went to her mouth as she whimpered, her eyes flicking up to him. he sighed and her fingers fell from her lips, eyes shining and mouth open. “i don’t wanna cry anymore, harry.” she whimpered.

he pulled her into his chest. he was still leaning against the wall as he grabbed her and pulled her close, his arms wrapping over her shoulders while her arms fell to his waist.

“this is all my fuckin’ fault, h.”

“no it isn’t.” he hushed her. “i’ve made you cry.” he whispered, throat bobbing with the confession. “i hurt you.” he was sponging kisses onto the top of her head, his cheek rubbing at her hair in anguish while she cried into him. he hadn’t felt her touch for the entirety of this day, and as desperate as that sounded, his skin touching hers sent flames into his chest. “i’m so sorry, lovie.” his voice sounded drowned.

“i’m sorry i doubted you.” she whimpered, pulling back to look at him. “if i didn’t this would’ve never happened and—”

“it’s okay,” he whispered, smiling sadly. he wiped at her under eye, his thumb moving to caress her cheekbone. “i understand it—the doubts, the questions—i do.”

“but i shouldn’t’ve believed a fucking paper so quickly.” she sniffled. “stupid fuckin’ media—”

“i believed it myself.” he murmured, shaking his head. “everything is okay, now, right?”

“is it?”

harry gazed at his girl, blinking his eyes around her face as he took in all the sadness in her features.

“everything is okay.”

“everything?”

“everything.”

he waited for her to nod, then kissed her on the forehead and pulled her close, swaying her body against his gently. “all is okay.” he whispered into her ear.

“okay.” she sighed.

the living room was still dark.

“i feel like ‘ve aged ten years just today, h.”

he pulled back and placed his forehead onto her’s.

“i know, lovie, me too.” her fingers touched his cheek. “i’m sorry.”

“i’m sorry too.”

“i love you, okay?”

“i love you.”

“can we just—”

“pretend this day never happened?”

“please.”

“can we make a new pact?” she murmured. he nodded slowly.

she reached out, hand grabbing his palm, staring at his eyes intently. he brought her lips down, sponging them across his knuckles before she took her pink and hooked it through his. “never believe any articles or tweets or—…” she bit her lip. “confirm it with each other, yeah?”

“yeah.” he breathed. “absolutely.”

his voice was a whisper and the two looked into each others eyes, before harry brought their pinkies to his mouth and kissed them. 

and when she sadly giggled at the action, he held the sides of her face and kissed her lips deeply, lifting his back off of the wall.

[thefilmfatale]

Always Be My Maybe and How to Ruin a Rom Com

There is an art to a good romantic comedy.

Let me preface this post with a confession: I am a rom com enthusiast. Go ahead, turn your nose up at me, you snobs! But I unabashedly love romantic comedies. Yes, I’m aware that the genre is much maligned for being painfully predictable and vapid, but it would surprise you how tough it actually is to produce a solid rom com that hits all the right notes.

You see, there’s a formula. Boy Meets Girl (yes, I’m being deliberately heteronormative for this example, put your pitchforks down). Girl plays hard to get. Boy persists and wins her over despite how much the lady doth protest too much. A conflict introduces tension and separation (”Gasp! This was all part of a bet?!”), throwing the relationship into jeopardy. Boy performs Grand Gesture™ to win back Girl’s heart. Girl forgives Boy and the two gallop into the sunset. Cue Third Eye Blind’s “Semi-Charmed Life” as the credits roll.

The formula works, but only if the filmmaker can trick the audience into believing that this on screen romance has real stakes. To do that, you have to have a script that at least pretends to explore an interesting relationship which, as it unfolds, gives the audience butterflies and makes them want to root for the star-crossed lovers. Without audience investment, you have no rom com.

To get the audience to invest, you need likeable leads who have great chemistry and just enough tangible sexual tension to create that air of “Will they or won’t they?” After all, no one ships a couple who are devoid of personality and lack chemistry. Most of this sexual tension is physical—in the way the actors interact with each other—but what can really help establish this is verbal, by way of witty repartee.

Think of some of the classic rom coms, like When Harry Met Sally. Why does it work? Sally is a Type A personality. Prim, proper, particular, and uptight. Harry is more laid back, casual, and candid— unafraid to tell it like it is. He’s also a bit of a troll who enjoys getting a rise out of someone. Throw the two on a road trip together and you have a recipe for romance (or disaster—however you want to look at it). As a viewer, you begin to root for them because we’re told that opposites attract and complement each other. Harry softens Sally’s rough edges, Sally helps Harry realize he needs some maturing.

And you all know the Big Gesture™. A New Year’s eve confession that inspired a thousand sappy rom-com speeches.

What makes When Harry Met Sally successful?

Harry and Sally are different enough from each other that there is enough sexual tension and push and pull to make their interactions interesting.

Each half of the couple has their own personality that feels authentic to their character. They have their own ambitions and goals. They also have traits and quirks that uniquely position them to attract each other.

The relationship does not seem guaranteed—the audience has to have a moment of doubt or uncertainty that makes them will the couple back together.  

Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal have fantastic chemistry.

It seems pretty straightforward. Follow the formula, and you’ll be fine. In fact, it’s hard to screw up a good rom com if you just imagine unconventional ways to put two individually interesting but opposite enough people together then lean back and watch the sparks fly.

So all this to say that nothing could have prepared me for the soul-sucking awfulness of Always Be My Maybe, the Netflix flick starring comedian Ali Wong (know for her Baby Cobra Netflix special) and Fresh Off the Boat’s Randall Park.

The story follows Sasha Tran (Wong), a renowned chef and restauranteur, who rekindles a romance with her childhood best friend Marcus Kim (Park) when her marriage engagement suddenly falls through. Tran is portrayed as ambitious and driven, while Kim is unmotivated and immature, using his widowed father as a crutch to not follow his dreams. In its purest form (this summary), the gist of the story seems fine. Nothing to write home about (certainly not novel), but this is romantic comedy and the bar is more of a footstool so no one’s begrudging sticking to convention. But Always Be My Maybe takes that convention and, in true Asian fashion, approaches it with textbook diligence that just sapped the joy and life out of what should have been a fun, light-hearted romp. So much for subverting Asian stereotypes!

Now I’m a fan of Ali Wong and Randall Park’s, but this movie was so mind-numbing, it made me physically ill. Ali Wong? Hilarious! Randall Park? Extremely likable and has great comedic timing! Together you would think they would be dynamite. Fireworks! An explosive affair of epic proportions! And for those of us who’ve had a hankering for a rom com with Asian leads (and God knows we’ve waited a long fucking time—thank you, Crazy Rich Asians) we know about the demand for one.  

Alas, what a disappointment. A telephone pole and I would have had more chemistry than Ali Wong and Randall Park. As much as it pains, I have to say that Always Be My Maybe just might be one of the worst romantic comedies I have ever watched.

Not only did this movie put two leads together who had zero chemistry—or at least enough sexual tension to help the audience suspend their disbelief that these aren't just actors—but the story unfolds in a fashion that actually makes the audience keenly aware of the formula. I know I said if you just follow the formula you can’t go wrong, but Jesus they didn’t have to make it so obvious! It’s like Fight Club, you know? The first rule of making a good rom com is YOU DO NOT MAKE THE AUDIENCE AWARE THAT THEY ARE WATCHING A ROM COM. I mean, at least try to approach it like it’s actually an interesting story about two people.

Instead, the movie followed story beats that seemed to exist for the sake of moving the story along instead of actually selling us on the relationship. The beats were so obvious that you can actually pinpoint where they begin and end because they were helpfully (and often unnecessarily) bookended by old school hip hop songs. Cue music! Here comes the conflict, the part where Boy and Girl rekindle their romance only to find that the years apart have made them different people. Boy judges Girl for being pretentious and obnoxious. Girl judges boy for being immature and unmotivated. A big fight ensues! Insults are hurled at each other that are so truthful they hurt! But it’s only a sign that they are meant to be with each other because they can trust each other to be this honest!

You know your movie is bad when your story beats are so obvious that they take the viewer out of the movie. You know your rom com is bad when Boy’s Big Gesture™ felt like a very clear When Harry Met Sally rip-off with dialogue that makes you want to get a lobotomy. There’s certainly nothing wrong with being referential or, even better, deliberately parodying romantic comedies. But Always Be My Maybe wasn’t really trying to be either. It was just stuck in this weird gray area of trying to be a romantic comedy and failing.  

Always Be My Maybe’s biggest problem is in its turd of a script. It was so cringeworthy, filled with inauthentic lines and tired Asian jokes (the joke about Asians hating tipping was played out to the point of exasperation). Even their attempts to make fun of woke culture (which is an effort I wholly endorse) felt contrived and flat, which is such a bummer because that would have been a cool differentiator. Even the promising jabs at the pretentiousness of haute cuisine were awkwardly executed. Most of all, it didn't do its lead actors any favors, turning them into cartoonish cardboard cut-outs that were designed to follow the formula of a rom-com without putting in the work to earn the audience’s investment. Performance-wise, Wong did a passable job, but there were times when it felt like she was reciting a line that was clearly more apt for a comedy skit rather than a piece of dialogue that a character in a movie is saying. Park’s attempt at faux awkwardness, on the other hand, was excruciating to watch. Couldn’t he just be a dude in a rap band who happens to live with his dad? That's a decent enough back story. There really wasn’t a need to give him a personality quirk that seemed put on rather than authentic.  

The film’s most promising moment was a Keanu Reeves cameo. And it’s only because Reeves was so game at poking fun of himself and the pretentiousness of celebrity that it worked. But just like the tired Asian jokes, at a certain point the humor was played out to the point where it became unwelcome. I also want to give credit to the film for portraying an Asian American upbringing that wasn’t the Fresh Off the Boat variety. While there isn't anything wrong with that portrayal, it’s also a treat to be able to see a different dimension of Asian culture, one that shows how typical and relatable it is to the average American’s upbringing. Premarital, promiscuous sex! Rap music! Being into pretentious food! Much as I hate to admit it, the whole “Asians—we’re just like you!” approach is kinda needed in film and television because it removes this layer of exoticization that can be restrictive to Asian characters.

While not tokenizing Asian characters is a positive, it still doesn’t make Always Be My Maybe a good movie. While I did watch it all the way to the end (despite my body’s vehement protests), it hurt my soul in ways I didn’t anticipate. How did they ruin this rom com? First, and most importantly, there was a shocking lack of individual character development. You don't get a sense of who these people are individually. Instead, they just seemed to be characters created for the sole purpose of putting them together and contrasting them enough to where they should have some sort of chemistry. But you can’t manufacture that. Each actor has to go through the work of making their characters likable. If I like the characters individually, I like them even better together! See how that 2+2 worked? But without dedicating the right amount of time and space in the story to showing their inner lives and what makes them tick, you’re setting them up for failure.

Second, and on a related note: there were no real stakes to the relationship. because setting up Sasha and Marcus to be together just seemed like a given from the get go. There didn’t seem to be any real jeopardy to their relationship, even once the conflict was introduced. The forced repartee between the characters came off like lines of dialogue instead of natural conversation, not to mention the very apparent lack of chemistry between Ali Wong and Randall Park. So much so that you didn’t really want to see them make out, let alone root for them to end up together. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you ruin a rom com.

If you, a friend, or family member just watched Always Be My Maybe and are experiencing similar symptoms of nausea and misanthropy, may I direct you to a Netflix original rom com that is actually good? Go check out Set It Up, if you haven’t already!

What did you think of Always Be My Maybe? Am I full of shit? Did you like it? What are some of your favorite romantic comedies? Sound off in the comments below!