#so many memories in listening to this new cast album

[mollyjeanne615]

the speed at which I burst into tears listening to the acapella part of the Parade finale just now

[03jyh23]

— 2 soon || kim hongjoong part 1

<part 2>

goes to waste the series based on my favourite keshi songs

(listen here)

idol!hongjoong x non-idol!reader

synopsis: years after choosing his career over you, hongjoong still finds himself haunted by the memories of you. your relationship is a constant dance of on and off, and you cannot stay away from him.

genre: lovers to strangers to ?, angst, smut

trigger warnings: cussing/mature language, break-ups, toxic relationships, possessiveness, toxic jealousy, sex as a coping mechanism, excessive alcohol usage, emotional manipulation, obsession, verbal aggression, emotional distress, mentions of clubbing, career-related stress, explicit sexual content: making out, protected sex (condom), mentions of using birth control, pet names baby, princess, handjob, blowjob, hair pulling, neck kisses, dirty talk, nipple play (?), missionary

words: 12.8 k

reminder: what you’re about to read is purely fiction, so let’s keep it separate from reality.

!minors do not interact!

— hi there! after several intense days of work, it's finally here! the first part of the goes to waste series! while writing 2 soon, i had many negative thoughts and was very self-critical. im still not sure if i did a good job - especially when it comes to smut. smut is the genre where i probably will never feel good enough, but believe me, im really trying. the second part is already in the process of being written. im handing this over to you; thank you very much for such a warm reception of this series, and i hope you'll enjoy it. and please let me know if i missed any trigger warnings for the sexual content!

love, monika. ♡

if you enjoyed this post, i’d be so grateful for a little love – a like, reblog or comment would truly make my day!

taglist: @skittyneos @kyeos4ng @vcutparis

one

There you were, unexpectedly positioned in a scenario you never once imagined you would find yourself in. It was the middle of the night, the hour when all was quiet and still. Your ordinarily vibrant living room was dimmed, with only a single floor lamp in the corner casting long, dramatic shadows across the room. You were nestled into the corner of the worn-out comfortable sofa, hugging a pillow close as if it were your only lifeline. The only sounds filling the silence were the words from your boyfriend, each one hanging heavy in the cold air. You were painfully aware of what was coming, a gut-wrenching feeling of imminent heartbreak washing over you. The reality of the situation was that there was no escaping this conversation, no possibility of emerging unscathed. The knowledge that Hongjoong was about to shatter your heart into pieces was a bitter pill to swallow. This moment was the beginning of an end you had never anticipated. And it was happening tonight.

"The company believes that you will become a distraction," Hongjoong said, his voice laced with an undercurrent of tension.

"I don't give a damn about your stupid company," you retorted, your hand trembling and your eyes welling up with tears that threatened to spill over at any moment. "I wasn't a distraction all these years when you were a trainee, so why am I suddenly one now?" Hongjoong paced nervously across the room, his movements betraying his inner turmoil. He was torn between the company and you, and he didn't know how to navigate this minefield.

"Y/N..." he sighed heavily, his hand running through his hair in a nervous gesture. "Now that Ateez is gaining more attention after our first prize win and the new album coming soon, the company..." he trailed off, unable to finish his sentence. "They believe I need to remain more focused."

"I don't fucking care about what they think, Hongjoong!" you shouted, your voice cracking with the weight of your emotions. "You think I give a damn about their opinion?" you continued, your voice rising with each word. "They don't know us, they don't know what we've been through. All they see is some stupid company policy, but they don't see the love that we share." Tears welled up in your eyes as you spoke, the pain of the situation threatening to consume you whole. You had never felt so helpless, so powerless.

"Please, try to calm down. You're not making this any easier," Hongjoong pleaded, his voice barely above a whisper.

''I don’t fucking believe that after almost three years they decided I will become a problem...'' Your voice cracked, tears finally spilling down your cheeks. Hongjoong looked at you, his eyes filled with sorrow and regret. It was clear that this conversation was tearing him apart just as much as it was you. "Hongjoong, do you believe what they're saying?" you asked, your voice filled with a mixture of fear and desperation. "Do you think they're right?"

He paused, his back still turned towards you. "I... I don't know, Y/N," he confessed, his voice barely audible. "What if they are right?" The question hung in the air, a haunting doubt that only added to the heartache. Your heart pounded in your chest, the words echoing in your mind.

"You already believed them…'' you asserted, your voice tinged with a hint of defiance. ''I can't believe that you see me as a distraction now." With a frustrated cry, you grabbed the pillow and hurled it across the room, the action serving as a physical release for the pent-up anger and despair that threatened to consume you. "Fuck it, Hongjoong," you choked out, tears streaming down your cheeks. "I need you to choose me. I need you to fight for us, for our love. Because if you don't, then what's the point of any of this?"

There was a long silence before he finally spoke. "I...I need to do what's best for my career," he answered softly, sounding utterly defeated. "And if that means that we..." his voice trailed off and he didn't finish the sentence. You felt a lump in your throat and fought back the tears.

''So, you’re going to leave me?'' Hongjoong turned to face you, his eyes filled with a mixture of sorrow and resignation.

"What else am I supposed to do?" Hongjoong's eyes flickered with pain as he met your gaze, his own turmoil reflected in the depths of his gaze. "I can't lose my career, Y/N! It's everything I've worked for.'' His words cut through you like a knife, searing through your heart. You had always known that his career was important to him, but you had never imagined that he would be willing to sacrifice your relationship for it. ''I’m sorry, Y/N,'' he managed to say, his voice filled with regret. ''I have to do this.''

"Just say it already..." Your voice was shaky, the tension in the room was palpable, and the silence that followed was deafening.

"I want to break up," Hongjoong finally said, his voice barely audible but clear enough for you to hear.

Your voice broke as you responded, "If this is your decision, then I'm not going to fight it. I won't beg you to stay, Hongjoong." The room was filled with a painful silence after your words. The reality of what was happening hit you both, but you stood your ground. "No, I won't beg," you affirmed, your voice steady despite the tears streaming down your face. "If this is what you've chosen, then I have no right to stop you. But remember this, Hongjoong, love is not a distraction. It's what keeps us human." He looked at you, his eyes welling up with unshed tears.

"I'm sorry, Y/N," he whispered, the regret in his voice tangible.

"I need you to leave," you said, your voice barely above a whisper. The room fell silent again. With a heavy sigh, Hongjoong cast a long, lingering glance in your direction, his eyes filled with a sadness he had never felt before. You couldn't meet his gaze, your own eyes fixated on the worn-out fabric of the couch, your hands clenched tightly in your lap.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N," he repeated, his voice just as quiet as yours. He hovered for a moment, as if waiting for you to say something else, offering him a way out of this situation. But there was nothing more to be said. The decision had been made.

"I'm sorry too, Hongjoong," you whispered into the silence, your voice trembling. The words echoed in the quiet room, a bitter acknowledgment of the pain that both of you were feeling. Slowly, Hongjoong headed towards the door, his steps heavy and uncertain. Each footstep felt like a punch to your heart, amplifying the emptiness that was beginning to set in. As the front door opened, a shiver went down your spine. With one last look, Hongjoong closed the door behind him, leaving you alone in the quiet apartment. The silence was deafening, the absence of his presence felt like a void. You sat there, motionless, the harsh reality of what had just happened slowly sinking in. Eventually, you rose from the couch, your legs feeling like jelly. You switched off the lamp, plunging the room into darkness. You could still feel the remnants of Hongjoong's presence, the memories of your time together felt almost tangible. But, he was gone. And you were left to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart, alone. Your small apartment never felt lonelier.

two

The room was dimly lit by a single lamp, casting shadows everywhere. Hongjoong sat on the hotel floor, his heart ached like a heavy stone in his chest, echoing the raw, jagged pain of an all-too-fresh wound. Next to him sat a half-empty bottle of whiskey, its strong liquor failing to dull the hollow gnawing pain that gripped him. For the past few months, Hongjoong had been busier than he'd ever been. Recording sessions that kept him up all night, followed by grueling dance practices to perfect choreography. Once ATEEZ’s first studio album was finally out, there was an endless string of fan sign events and meetings. Then, his dreams came true — they announced a world tour. Hongjoong was so busy that eating and sleeping felt like a luxury. He was happy, but not completely. Something was always missing. You were missing. Hongjoong'd become a master at hiding his pain from the world. So good, in fact, that he'd even managed to hide it from himself. But even as busy as Hongjoong was with his career, there were moments when he couldn't help but constantly think about you. And in those small moments every song that he wrote, every dance he choreographed, every performance he gave, you were always on his mind. Hongjoong was haunted by your memories, by the love he had lost. And even if he was being so good at hiding his emotions, his bandmates could see the change in him. They saw the sadness in his eyes, the heaviness in his steps, the emptiness in his laughter. But they said nothing, respecting his silence, knowing that this was a battle he had to fight on his own. Now, it’s been over six months since he broke up with you. Since he had chosen his career over your love, ambition over affection. He believed it was the right decision, but it did not lessen the pain of his heartbreak.

Hongjoong's eyes fell on his phone, lying innocently on the carpet. He had been contemplating it for hours, his heart pounding with apprehension. He longed to reach out to you, to hear your voice again and beg for forgiveness. Everything seemed so pointless without you. His dreams and ambitions felt hollow and meaningless. The fame, the success, the love from fans all over the world — none of it mattered. Because without you by his side, sharing in his joy and success, it all felt empty. All he could think of was the sweet sound of your laughter, the warmth of your touch, the comfort of your presence. And the longer he was without you, the more he realized how much he had lost. Taking a shaky breath, Hongjoong gathered the courage to pick the phone up, dialed your number with unsteady fingers, and pressed the call button. Eight rings echoed in his ears, each one a chance to hang up, to retreat, to save himself from the impending heartache. But he didn't. He couldn't.

"Hello?"

"H-hey," His voice wavered, barely more than a whisper, "How... how you been? How you doing?" His heart pounded against his ribs. The room felt smaller with every passing second as if the walls were closing in on him. Hongjoong gripped the phone tighter, his knuckles turning white as if holding onto it was the only thing keeping him grounded at that moment.

"I've been... okay," your voice was guarded, a stark contrast to the warmth it used to hold when you spoke to him. "Just... keeping busy, you know." Your heart was pounding loudly, so loud you were scared Hongjoong was going to hear it on the other side of the phone. You tried to steady your breathing, focusing on each exhale and inhale. There was silence on the other end. You could almost picture Hongjoong there, sitting in the dimly lit room, phone in hand, as he grappled with your words. The silence stretched on and for a moment.

"I've... I've been drinking," he confessed, a bitter laughter escaping his lips. "Thought I'd be over you by now... but I'm not. I can't be." His voice cracked, raw emotion spilling out. There was a pause again, a silence that seemed to last forever.

"Hongjoong..." you murmured, your voice filled with a detached understanding that was almost more painful than the silence before. "You... You shouldn't be drinking, Hongjoong," you said softly, concern seeping into your voice despite your best efforts to keep it neutral.

"I miss you," he whispered, his voice barely audible. "I... I know I caused you pain. I know I can't turn back time. But I... I can't imagine a life without you." The line went silent once again, except for his ragged breath and the deafening beat of his heart. Hongjoong held his breath, waiting, knowing that your next words could either set him free or push him further into his torment. Despite the distance, despite the coldness in your voice, he thought he detected a hint of lingering affection for him. It was subtle, nearly imperceptible, but it was there. A slight hesitation in your voice before you spoke, a soft sigh he barely caught. It gave him a glimmer of hope, but also a sea of despair. Because he knew that even though you might still harbor feelings for him, his choices had wounded you.

"I miss you too," you said, your voice so quiet that he almost missed the words. And in that moment, he knew that you felt the pain just as sharply as he did. Despite the remnants of love between you, you were both trapped in this cycle of regret and longing, both victims of his ambition. He longed to tell you that he loved you, that he was ready to give up everything to be with you. But the words wouldn't come. Because he knew he couldn't. He couldn't let go of his career, but he couldn't let go of you either. And so, he found himself stuck in this self-destructive cycle, driven by his own choices and his inability to let go of the past. The burden of his decisions hung heavy in the silence. His heart ached with unspoken words and the bitter sting of regret.

"I want to see you..." Hongjoong whispered into the phone, as he took another swig of the whiskey, the bitter liquid burning his throat, a fitting punishment for his mistakes. He closed his eyes, the image of your face clear in his mind, the memory of your laughter echoing in his ears. He missed you. He missed you more than he could put into words, more than he could bear. But all he had were his dreams and ambitions, the things he chose over you. ''I don’t know what I’m expecting'' All Hongjoong knew was that he missed you and that no amount of fame or success could fill the void you left in his heart.

"I... I want to see you too," you responded, soft and hesitant, yet filled with a longing that mirrored his own. Since the day Hongjoong left, your world had changed drastically, nothing felt the same. You tried to move on, to heal and rebuild your life without him. But it seemed like every time you made a little progress, something related to ATEEZ would unexpectedly appear, pulling you back into the memories of him. It was as if the universe was conspiring to ensure Hongjoong remained an inescapable part of your life, refusing to let you forget him.

"I don't know if this is a good idea...but, can we meet?" Hongjoong held his breath, waiting for your response, the silence between you two stretching out into a deafening void.

"Okay," you finally whispered back, the single word carrying a world of hope and fear, a promise of a reunion fraught with uncertainties and unspoken feelings. A wave of relief washed over Hongjoong, followed by a pang of anxiety. He had so many things he wanted to say to you, so many apologies to make, so many feelings to confess. But he feared that it might be too late, that the damage he had caused was irreparable. He swallowed hard, the lump in his throat making it difficult for him to speak.

"Thank you," he managed to whisper, his voice barely audible. "I'll be back home in a few weeks, I’ll see you then?"

"Yeah...yeah, I'll see you then," you replied softly, your voice tinged with a mixture of anticipation and apprehension. "Take care of yourself, Hongjoong.''

The call ended, leaving Hongjoong alone in the dimly lit room once again. He sat there, staring at his phone, his heart heavy with a mix of relief, fear, and longing. He didn't know if this was the beginning of a new chapter or the closure of an old one. All he knew was that he needed to see you. He needed to say the things he had been unable to say for the past six months. And most importantly, he needed to apologize.

three

The interminable weeks you anxiously awaited for Hongjoong's return seemed to mercilessly drag on, transforming into a seemingly endless expanse of time. In truth, the past few months without him felt like an eternity, every moment punctuated by his absence. After the initial shock of your breakup, which shook you to your core, you managed to shake off the immobilizing numbness that it brought. Once the initial shock was dealt with, you allowed yourself to fall into a routine, an everyday pattern of activities that became your lifeline in these challenging times. This routine, mundane as it might have been, was the only thing that kept you going, the only thing that kept you sane amidst the tumult of emotions that threatened to consume you. It was your anchor in a sea of chaos, providing a sense of normalcy in a world that, without Hongjoong, felt anything but normal. So, when you saw the news that ATEEZ had returned from their tour, it took you by surprise. You thought Hongjoong would call you straight away, that he would want to see you as much as you wanted to see him. You were holding on to the thought of seeing the man you loved again, of finding closure, or perhaps a new beginning. But the call didn't come, and with each passing day, your hope dwindled a little more. The silence was deafening, filling you with a sense of dread and disappointment. But despite everything, you continued to wait, clinging on to the hope of hearing from him. Days turned into weeks, and the silence from Hongjoong was deafening. You tried to keep yourself busy, to distract your mind from the painful thoughts that threatened to consume you. You began to question his intentions, wondering whether he really meant what he said during the phone call. Did he truly miss you, or was it just a moment of weakness? Did he genuinely want to see you, or was he simply trying to ease his guilt? Your mind was a whirlpool of questions, doubts, and insecurities. You felt like you were trapped in a never-ending cycle of hope and despair. Despite the emotional turmoil, you couldn't bring yourself to reach out to him first. You weren't ready to face the possibility of rejection, the fear of him telling you that he had moved on and that the phone call was a mistake. So, you waited, hoping against hope that he would contact you.

One evening, while you were trying to drown your sorrows in a sad movie and a tub of ice cream, the doorbell rang, startling you out of your thoughts. Your heart pounded in your chest as you got up to answer it. As you swung the door open, there he was. Hongjoong stood on your doorstep, looking just as nervous and scared as you felt. You were taken aback, not having expected him to show up at your doorstep. You felt a mix of emotions - surprise, fear, anxiety, but also a strange relief. Despite the emotional turmoil swirling within you, you couldn't help but feel a rush of warmth at the sight of him. He was as handsome as always, his dark blue hair tousled slightly, his eyes filled with a mixture of apprehension and longing. For a moment, you found yourself lost in the depths of his gaze, the familiar warmth of his presence washing over you like a comforting embrace. It was surreal to see him standing there, on your doorstep, after so many weeks of silence and uncertainty. Your heart pounded in your chest, each beat echoing the tumult of emotions that raged within you.

"H-Hey," he stuttered out, his eyes avoiding yours. "I hope I'm not... I hope this isn't too soon."

"No, it's... it's okay. Come in," you said, stepping aside to let him in. He hesitated for a moment, then walked inside. You closed the door behind him, it felt strangely normal to have him there, in your apartment, as if the last few months had been nothing but a bad dream. But the tension in the air was palpable, a reminder that things weren't the same anymore. You led him to the living room, he took a deep breath, his gaze wandering around the room, taking in the familiar surroundings.

"It's been a while," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Yes, it has," you replied, trying to keep your voice steady. The silence that followed was deafening, both of you lost in your own thoughts. Finally, Hongjoong broke the silence.

"I... I wanted to apologize," he began, his voice shaky. "I know I hurt you, and I'm... I'm really sorry." He looked at you, his eyes filled with regret. "I made a mistake... a big one. And I... I want to make it right." You were silent for a moment, processing his words. It was what you had been waiting to hear, but now that he had said it, you didn't know how to respond. You looked at him, studying his face, searching for sincerity in his eyes. Despite the hurt and confusion swirling within you, you couldn't deny the flicker of hope that ignited at his words. His apology felt genuine, raw with emotion. As you wrestled with your thoughts, a part of you longed to forgive him, to embrace the possibility of reconciliation. Yet another part remained guarded, wary of opening yourself up to further pain. You took a deep breath, trying to steady your racing heart. "I've missed you so much," he confessed. Suddenly, Hongjoong reached out, pulling you into an embrace. The sudden movement startled both of you, but neither of you pulled away. On the contrary, you nestled deeper into his arms, burying your face into the crook of his neck. The familiar scent of his cologne instantly calmed your racing heart, making you feel like you were home again. In his arms, the pain and heartache of the past few months seemed to melt away. As you held each other in a tight embrace, the weight of the past few months began to lift, replaced by a sense of comfort and familiarity. Despite the pain and uncertainty that had plagued your relationship, being in his arms felt right, as if you were finally where you were meant to be.

"I've missed you too," you whispered, your voice barely above a breath. The words were a confession, a raw admission of the emptiness that had consumed you in his absence. The warmth of his embrace melted away the walls you had built around your heart. Despite the doubts and uncertainties that lingered in the back of your mind, you couldn't deny the overwhelming rush of emotions that surged through you. Without thinking, you lifted your head from the crook of his neck, meeting Hongjoong’s gaze with tear-filled eyes. At that moment, all the words you had been longing to say seemed to vanish from your mind, replaced by a desperate need to express the depth of your feelings for him. Leaning forward, you closed the distance between you, capturing his lips in a tender, passionate kiss. For a fleeting moment, it felt as though time stood still, the world around you fading into oblivion as you lost yourself in the intoxicating warmth of his embrace. In that moment, all the pain and heartache of the past seemed insignificant, overshadowed by the overwhelming rush of love and longing that coursed through your veins. As you pulled away, breathless and trembling, you found yourself staring into his eyes, searching for some sign of understanding, of reciprocation. Hongjoong smiled and giggled quietly,

''I did not expect this…'' Your heart fluttered at the sound of his soft laughter, a gentle melody that filled the room. Despite the gravity of the situation, his laughter was like a balm to your wounded soul, easing some of the tension that had been building within you. Hongjoong’s hand found its way to your flushed cheek, it was a comforting presence, his touch sending shivers down your spine as you leaned into his touch, relishing the warmth of his palm against your skin.

"I know," you replied softly, a smile tugging at the corners of your lips.

''Can we do it again?'' A soft chuckle escaped your lips at his bashful demeanor, finding it endearing how he could still manage to blush after all this time.

"Of course," you replied, a playful glint in your eye as you leaned in closer to him. The warmth of Hongjoong’s breath against your skin sent a thrill coursing through you, reigniting the spark of desire that had never truly faded between you. Closing the distance between you, you pressed your lips to his once more, savoring his familiar taste and feel. It was as if no time had passed at all, as if you were picking up right where you had left off, lost in the intensity of your love for each other. As you pulled away breathlessly, the intensity of the moment lingering between you, Hongjoong placed his forehead against yours, his hand pulling you closer by your waist. His touch sent shivers down your spine, igniting a fire within you that had been dormant for far too long. The kiss deepened, growing more passionate and needy. Your bodies pressed together, the heat between you rising. Hongjoong's voice was husky when he pulled back, his breath hot against your ear as he said,

"I'm not gonna stop myself if we keep on." You could feel his arousal pressing against you, a stark reminder of the intimacy you hadn't shared in so long. A shiver ran through your body as you processed his words, your heart pounding in your chest. You had missed this closeness, the intoxicating intimacy that only Hongjoong could provide. Despite the uncertainties that still lingered, your body yearned for his. You met his gaze, your eyes reflecting the desire that was undoubtedly mirrored in his.

"Then don't stop," you murmured, your voice barely a whisper. There was no hesitation in his actions then. His lips found yours again, his hands exploring your body, reigniting the flame that had never fully extinguished. Hongjoong's grip on your hips tightened, his touch electrifying, igniting a spark within you. He pulled your hair just the way you liked it, gentle yet firm, exposing your neck to his gaze. He began to leave a trail of wet kisses along your sensitive skin, his warm breath causing shivers to run down your spine. The anticipation was unbearable. You knew that after all this time, after all the longing and desire that had built up between you, you wouldn’t last long. Every fiber of your being was desperate to feel his body against yours, to experience the intimate connection that only he could provide. And as if he could read your thoughts, Hongjoong returned to kissing you, his lips capturing yours in a passionate embrace. He was devouring you with an intensity that took your breath away, his every touch and kiss stoking the fire within you. You felt his hands tugging at the hem of your hoodie, his fingers deftly pulling it over your head in one swift, practiced motion. As the fabric lifted away, the cool air of the room hit your skin, causing a shiver to course through your body. To Hongjoong's surprise, you were not wearing a bra underneath. His eyes, dark with desire, roamed over your exposed chest, taking in the sight of your bare skin. There was a moment of silence as he savored the sight, his breath hitching in his throat. Your head was spinning, a whirlwind of emotions and sensations taking over, and you could feel yourself getting wetter with each passing second. Hongjoong placed his palm on your breast, cupping it gently but firmly. His touch was warm against your skin, a stark contrast to the cool air surrounding you. His fingers, tender and explorative, began to play with your nipple, tracing delicate patterns that sent waves of pleasure coursing through your body. You moaned softly. Each touch ignited a spark within you, a flame of desire that seemed to grow with every passing second.

As your hands began to wander, you found yourself drawn to his jeans. Your fingers deftly unclasped his belt, the metallic clink echoing in the room. Heart pounding with anticipation, you slid the zipper down, the sound seeming to reverberate through the room. Hongjoong quickly removed his own shirt, revealing his toned chest. Your hands instinctively reached out to him, your fingers tracing the lines of his muscles. In response, he wrapped his arms around you, lifting you off the ground with ease. Hongjoong carried you towards the bedroom, and a sense of anticipation filled the air. As he gently put you down, your eyes locked with his, the intensity of his gaze sending shivers down your spine. His lips found yours again in a deep, passionate kiss while his hands roamed over your body, further stoking the flame of desire within you. You found yourself lost in his touch, each stroke of his fingers sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body. As he slowly moved down, peppering soft kisses along your neck and collarbone, you could hardly contain the moan that escaped your lips. Hongjoong pulled your shorts down, kissing your stomach and hip bones. His touch was electrifying, setting your skin ablaze with a hunger that only he could satisfy. You reached for his pants, finally tugging both them and his boxers down and revealing his throbbing erection. Hongjoong groaned as you wrapped your fingers around his thick dick, you spread pre-cum on his length and stroked him gently yet firmly, eliciting a moan from him. Hongjoong was so hard, so ready for you, and the thought only made you wetter. With a mischievous glint in your eyes, you knelt in front of him and placed a kiss on the tip of his throbbing length. Sensing his anticipation, you started licking him from the base all the way to the tip, savoring the taste of him. His body shivered in response to your actions, his breath hitching as he watched you with a mixture of desire and disbelief.

"I missed the way your cock tastes in my mouth,” you said just before you slowly took him all into your mouth, your lips wrapping around his length as you began to bob your head up and down. The sensation elicited a groan from Hongjoong, his hands instinctively reaching for your hair to guide your movements.

"F-fuck," Hongjoong moaned out, his grip on your hair tightening as you continued to pleasure him with your mouth, your tongue swirling around his length in a way that had him seeing stars. His body was tense, filled with an anticipation that was only heightened by the rhythm of your movements. The room was filled with the sound of his ragged breathing and the wet noises of your mouth on him. His hand tugged at your hair, guiding you, setting the pace. His other hand found its way to your shoulder, his fingers digging into your skin as he struggled to keep control. "I... I need to be inside you," he gasped, the words barely more than a whisper. You looked up at him, your eyes locking with his. There was a raw intensity in his gaze that sent a thrill coursing through you. You nodded, releasing him from your mouth with a final lick, a smirk playing on your lips as you watched him shudder at the sensation. You crawled back up his body, your fingers tracing the lines of his muscles, the sensation eliciting a soft moan from him. Hongjoong's hands found their way to your hips, guiding you to the bed. He positioned himself on top of you, his hands gently spreading your legs. His fingers slowly explored your folds,

"You are so wet, so ready for me" he murmured in awe, his fingers brushing over your slick folds. The sensation caused you to gasp. With a sudden surge of impatience, you pulled him closer by his neck, kissing him aggressively.

"Hongjoong, I need you now," you demanded, your voice thick with desire. He positioned himself, ready to give you what you so desperately wanted. But then, he stopped, pulling back slightly and looking into your eyes with a serious expression.

‘’Are you on the pill?" he asked, his voice filled with concern.

"No, not anymore," you admitted, biting your lower lip anxiously.

"Condoms?" he asked, hoping that you had some.

"I don't think I have any," you confessed, your heart pounding in your chest.

"Shit, I think I have some in my wallet," he moved off you and rushed to search his wallet, which was carelessly thrown to the side earlier. After a moment, Hongjoong let out a sigh of relief as he pulled out a condom. Returning to the bed, he positioned himself above you again, his dark eyes filled with desire. You took the condom from him, your hands slightly shaking as you carefully unrolled it down his throbbing length. You guided him to your entrance, the anticipation making you shudder with pleasure. As he slowly entered you, you couldn't help but gasp at the overwhelming sensation, the feeling of him inside you sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body. As Hongjoong began to move, each thrust sending sparks of pleasure shooting through you, your hands found purchase on his shoulders, clinging onto him as if your life depended on it. The rhythm of his movements, slow and deliberate at first, gradually picked up pace, each powerful thrust hitting that sweet spot inside you and drawing moans of pleasure from your lips.

"Hongjoong whatever you do just don't stop now," you moaned, your toes curling in pleasure. His name fell from your lips again in a breathless whisper, the sound of it spurring him on. The room filled with the sounds of your passion, the rhythmic creaking of the bed, and your shared moans and gasps of pleasure.

"You feel so good, baby” he moaned. You felt his dick throbbing inside you, which made you clench around him, making him moan again. As your climax approached, your body tensed, your grip on him tightening. Hongjoong could sense it, and his thrusts became more powerful. "Are you going to cum for me, princess?" he asked, his voice husky with desire. Your body responded to his words before your mind could, a rush of pleasure coursing through your veins. You could do nothing but nod, your body taut with anticipation. Hongjoong’s movements became more deliberate, his rhythm matching your own as the tension built.

"Yes," you breathed out, the word barely escaping your lips before a wave of pleasure washed over you. Your body convulsed, your grip on him tightening as you rode the waves of your orgasm. His name fell from your lips in a breathless moan as you rode out your orgasm, each wave of pleasure more intense than the last. With a final, powerful thrust, Hongjoong groaned, his body tensing as he reached his own peak. Feeling him still buried deep inside you, you could sense the warm sensation of his cum filling the condom. Hongjoong’s head fell to the crook of your neck, his hot breath against your skin as he rode out the waves of his climax. The room fell silent, save for the sound of your labored breaths. He collapsed next to you, took the condom off, and threw it away. Hongjoong pulled you into his arms, and his fingers traced lazy circles on your bare skin, the sensation sending tingles down your spine. You turned to face him, your eyes meeting his. There was a softness in his gaze, a tenderness that you hadn't seen for a long time. It warmed your heart, bringing a gentle smile to your face.

"I was going crazy without you," Hongjoong whispered his words a fervent declaration of the depth of his longing. "I missed you every single day," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper as you gazed into his eyes, losing yourself in the depths of his gaze.

"You wouldn't let me forget about you," you smiled sadly, "ATEEZ were everywhere." You chuckled, the sound tinged with a hint of melancholy. "Every time I started to get a bit better, you would show up on a TV or the internet."

Hongjoong gave a bitter-sweet laugh, "I guess we're inescapable, huh?" His hand moved from your waist to cradle your face.

"I was so proud of you, Hongjoong," you confessed, your voice choked with emotion. "It just hurt that you needed to leave me to do all these amazing things."

His gaze softened at your words, his thumb gently brushing away the tears welling up in your eyes. "I didn't want to," he admitted quietly, his voice hauntingly sincere.

"Will you stay for tonight?" you asked him, your voice quiet and hopeful. A silence hung in the air between you, heavy with the weight of unspoken words and raw emotions. Hongjoong looked at you, his gaze soft and contemplative. It felt like an eternity before he finally responded.

"I wish I could," he murmured, his voice heavy with regret. "But I have to go back. There are things I need to take care of." A pang of disappointment shot through you at his words, but you understood. His world was unforgiving, with schedules and commitments that left little room for personal desires. You knew that asking him to stay was selfish, but some of you couldn't help but wish for a little more time together.

"I understand," you replied, your voice tinged with sadness. "But promise me this won't be the last time we see each other. Promise me you'll come back."

"I promise," he whispered, his voice filled with sincerity. "I'll come back as soon as I can." You nodded, a small smile tugging at the corners of your lips despite the tears that threatened to fall. Hongjoong planted one last kiss on your lips, before gently untangling himself from your embrace. He rose from the bed, his eyes scanning the room for his scattered clothing. You pulled a comforter from the bed around your naked body as you got up from the bed, and you walked up behind him, wrapping your arms around his torso.

"Stay over," you tried convincing him again. "I don't want to be alone." Your lips found the back of his neck, peppering soft kisses there. Each kiss was a silent plea, a yearning for him to stay. He shivered under your touch, goosebumps erupting on his skin. You knew he loved it when you kissed his neck like that. His eyes closed and a soft sigh escaped his lips, a clear sign that he was fighting the urge to stay with you. With one hand, you pulled him in closer, his back pressed against your chest. Your other hand traveled down his torso, exploring his body. You slid your hand lower, until you grabbed his cock, causing Hongjoong to let out a whimper at the sudden contact. The sound was music to your ears, a testament to the effect you had on him. This moment felt right, a perfect blend of desire and intimacy that only you two could share. As you started to pump him slowly, his cock hardened again. Kissing all over his neck, Hongjoong trembled under your touch. Your touch was gentle, yet firm, as you slowly worked him back to full erection. His reactions were immediate and intense, his body trembling under your hands. Hongjoong’s breath hitched in his throat, a soft gasp escaping his lips as you trailed kisses up and down his neck. Every touch, every kiss, seemed to set his nerves on fire, his body humming with pent-up desire.

"Feeling your dick get hard in my hand is so hot," you whispered into his ear. Hongjoong’s breath hitched at your words, he was completely at your mercy, his eyes fluttering closed as he lost himself in the sensations you were coaxing from him. His hands reached for you, his fingers digging into your arm as a silent plea for more. His breaths came in short, ragged gasps, each one a testament to the pleasure you were bringing him. The room was filled with the sound of your soft murmurs and his gasps, the air heavy with desire. You took your time, savoring each reaction, each tremor that ran through him.

"I'm going to make you come so hard," you breathed against his neck, your voice filled with a promise of the pleasure to come. A shiver ran through his body at your words, anticipation causing his breath to hitch in his throat. The kisses you trailed along his neck grew more passionate, more desperate, each one a promise of the pleasure to come. He was trembling beneath your touch, his body writhing with anticipation, ready for the climax that was sure to come.

"Need... need to feel your mouth on me. Please, please," he moaned as you sped up your movements on his length. You could feel his desperation in every word, the primal need making his voice tremble. You turned his body to face you, without missing a beat, you moved down his body, trailing kisses along the way. You took him in your mouth, your movements slow and deliberate at first, earning a guttural moan from him. His hand found its way to your hair, fingers tangling in the locks as he guided your movements. With every moan, every gasp for breath, you could feel him lose himself in the pleasure you were giving him. It only spurred you on further, your movements becoming more confident, more insistent. Hongjoong was a moaning mess, his body tensing as he felt the precipice of his release approaching.

"God... F-fuck," he stuttered, the words tumbling out amidst irregular breaths. He looked at you, his eyes dark with desire and pleading. "Baby, I love you... Can I... Can I cum in your mouth?" your eyes met his, a soft nod of consent given as you continued your movements. The quiet room was filled with only the sounds of his heavy breaths and soft curses. Your name fell from his lips like a prayer, his hands gripping your hair tightly. "I love you... I love you so much," he gasped out, his body trembling as he reached his climax. His cum filled your mouth, the taste of him intoxicating and familiar. You swallowed it all, a sense of pride swelling within you. As his release washed over him, you could see the love and adoration in his eyes. He was open, vulnerable, and completely yours at that moment. Post-orgasmic bliss took over him, his body going limp as he tried to regain his breath. You crawled up, placing soft kisses along his chest, his jaw, his lips. Hongjoong pulled you closer, his arms wrapping around you tightly.

"I love you too, Hongjoong," you whispered, your head resting on his chest. His heart was still racing, the rhythm syncing with your own. You could feel his fingers tracing patterns on your back, a content sigh escaping his lips. He didn't say anything, but he didn't need to. The look in his eyes said it all. He was in love, and so were you. Despite the challenges and the heartache, you belonged together. And in that moment, everything felt right. For a moment, he allowed himself to enjoy your embrace, his mind lost in the warmth of your touch.

"So, did that earn me your stay?" you asked playfully, a hint of mischief in your eyes as you looked up at him. Hongjoong kissed your forehead, before gently pulling away from your embrace, his fingers brushing against your cheek as he looked at you with regret-filled eyes.

"Baby I really wish I could stay, but I can't," he murmured, his voice heavy with regret. "I have early rehearsals tomorrow. I promise I'll come back soon." He gently extricated himself from your grasp and began to get dressed.

"Don't go," you pleaded softly, your voice barely a whisper. But despite the plea in your eyes, he knew he couldn't stay. No matter how much he wanted to remain by your side, his responsibilities were calling him back.

"I don't want to leave you," Hongjoong murmured in a tone that was barely a whisper, his eyes filled with regret. "But I have to. I have responsibilities that I need to attend to." Despite the warmth of your bodies pressed together and the lingering taste of you on his lips, he knew he couldn't stay. He gave you one last look, his heart aching at the sight of your disheveled hair and the love in your eyes. The silence in the room was heavy, filled with unspoken words and lingering emotions. Once fully dressed, he turned back to you, his gaze soft. He walked over and pulled you into a gentle hug, his hand stroking your hair in a comforting gesture.

"I'll see you soon, I promise," he whispered into your ear before pulling away. Hongjoong gave you one last lingering look, his eyes filled with longing before he opened the door and stepped out of your apartment, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

However, Hongjoong did not keep his promise.

four

Once again, days turned into weeks, and Hongjoong was nowhere to be found. You started to believe that your meeting was only a dream, a figment of your imagination borne out of desperation and longing. Each passing day without any word from him further reinforced this belief. The emptiness that you had once managed to keep at bay was slowly creeping back in, consuming you bit by bit. The silence was deafening, a harsh reminder of the reality you were trying to escape from. It felt as if you were trapped in a never-ending cycle of hope and despair, each passing day a test of your resilience and strength. With each passing day, a seed of doubt began to grow within you. Was it possible that Hongjoong regretted what had happened? Could it be that the promises whispered in the heat of the moment, the tender kisses and reassuring words, were nothing more than a mistake? The thought gnawed at you, casting a dark shadow over the glimmer of hope you had been clinging on to. You found yourself questioning everything, your mind a whirlpool of confusion and despair. Your days were filled with uncertainty and your nights were haunted by dreams of him. You longed for the comfort of his presence, aching for the familiarity of his touch. Yet, all you were left with was the deafening silence, a cruel reminder of the distance that had grown between you.

Three weeks had passed since you last laid eyes on Hongjoong, and the absence was fucking with your head. Questions spun around in your head like a whirlwind, each one piercing deeper than the last. Was it only the sex that he missed? You were haunted by the warmth of his touch and the intoxicating way he used to look at you. The ghost of his touch still lingered on your skin, a cruel reminder of the intimacy that once existed. The silence of your phone was deafening, the man who once couldn't go a day without hearing your voice, who used to fill your inbox with loving messages, had now been reduced to radio silence. Your mind was a battlefield, memories of him clashing violently with the present reality. This was not the Hongjoong you loved and cherished, the one who held you through the darkest nights and lit up your world with his smile. This was a stranger, a phantom wearing Hongjoong's face and carrying his memories, a cruel mockery of the man you once knew.

five

On a sunny afternoon, you came back from grocery shopping and approached your apartment complex. Upon reaching your floor, you found Hongjoong leaning against your door. The sight of him waiting there, a look of nervous anticipation on his face, sent a jolt of surprise through you. The sound of grocery bags dropping onto the floor startled Hongjoong, his head snapping up to see you standing there, a look of shock and anger on your face. He quickly jogged over to help you pick up the scattered items, but you recoiled, pulling the bags away from him.

"Why are you here, Hongjoong?" You spat out his name like it was poison. "I don't want to see you," you quickly got up as you finished picking up what was left from your shopping.

"We both know you don’t mean it…" Hongjoong blurts out, a look of guilt crossing his face.

"My manager found out I came to see you," Hongjoong admitted, avoiding your gaze. "The company... they're not happy. They made me sign a contract." His voice was barely a whisper, but the words hit you with the force of a freight train. "I'm... I'm banned from dating now." His words hung heavily in the air, the final blow to the fairytale you had tried so hard to keep alive. The revelation left you speechless, your heart aching at the harsh reality of his words. You felt a cold wave of disappointment wash over you, the realization of Hongjoong's predicament hitting you like a punch to the gut.

"Banned from dating?" you echoed, the words sounding foreign on your tongue. As the weight of Hongjoong's confession settled over you, you couldn't help but feel a sense of betrayal. It wasn't just the fact that he was banned from dating that stung, but the realization that he had chosen to prioritize his career over your relationship once again. "How could you?" you whispered, your voice barely audible above the pounding of your heart. "After what happened that night, you still chose them over me?" The hurt and anger bubbled up inside you, threatening to spill over at any moment. You felt like a fool for ever believing that things could be different, for allowing yourself to hope for a future that was never meant to be.

Hongjoong reached out to you, his hand hovering in the air as if unsure whether to touch you. "I didn't have a choice, Y/N," he pleaded, his voice filled with desperation. "You have to believe me. I didn't want this to happen." But his words fell on deaf ears.

"You always have a choice, Hongjoong," you retorted, your voice laced with bitterness. "You chose to sign that contract!" The tears welled up in your eyes, threatening to spill over at any moment. "You promised you would be back to see me, Hongjoong! You said you missed me and you wanted to make this right. And now this?" you exclaimed, your voice shaking with the intensity of your emotions. The betrayal cut deep, his broken promises like salt in the wound.

"You can't just show up here after weeks of silence and expect me to be okay with this," you continued, your voice raw with emotion. "You've made your choice, Hongjoong. Now, I'm making mine. I can't do this anymore."

Your words hung heavily in the air, the finality of them echoing in the silence that enveloped the two of you. Hongjoong was left standing there, a stunned expression on his face as he processed your words. The man who was once your world, who held your heart in his hands, was now a stranger standing before you.

"I... I didn't mean to hurt you," he whispered, his voice barely audible. His eyes were brimming with regret, the weight of his actions visibly weighing on him.

"But you did, Hongjoong," you replied, your voice steady despite the tears that threatened to spill. "You hurt me... and the worst part is, you chose to. You chose them over me... again."

The silence that followed was deafening, the tension palpable. Hongjoong looked as if he wanted to say something, to defend himself or perhaps apologize, but no words came out. It was as if he finally realized the gravity of his actions, the damage that he had caused.

You turned your back on him, the sight of him too painful to bear. The man you loved was no more, replaced by a stranger who wore his face and held his memories. As you walked away, you could feel his gaze on you, heavy with regret and longing. But it was too late. The damage had been done, and there was no turning back.

You walked into your apartment, closing the door behind you. The finality of the sound echoing in the silent hallway. As you leaned against the door, your knees gave out, sending you sliding down to the floor. Sobs racked your body, the tears flowing freely now. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. You froze, your heart pounding in your chest.

"Y/N, please," Hongjoong's voice filtered through the door, his tone desperate. "I love you, please let me in." But you couldn't bring yourself to open the door, to face him again. His words, once so comforting, now felt like a cruel mockery of what you once shared. You wrapped your arms around yourself as if to ward off the chill that had seeped into your bones.

"I can't, Hongjoong," you whispered, your voice barely audible. The silence that ensued was deafening, only broken by the occasional sob that escaped your lips. You could hear Hongjoong's muffled pleas on the other side of the door,

"Baby, I need you to understand," he began, his voice steady despite the emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. "I love you. In this world, it's always been you. Without you, I feel so alone. I need you to really hear me when I say that I love you." he murmured, his voice filled with so much pain that it made your heart ache.

Your cry spasmed through your body, causing you to shiver uncontrollably. Between gasps for air, you managed to sob out, "I love you too." Hongjoong’s voice fell silent on the other side of the door, and you clung to the silence, hoping, praying that he had left. But then you heard it, a low, heartbreaking sob from the other side.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N," Hongjoong's voice was barely more than a whisper, choked with emotion. "I'm sorry for everything." You clung to the cold, hard floor, your body wracked with sobs. The apartment felt emptier than ever, the silence echoing through the space, a stark reminder of your loneliness.

"Please let me in," he tried begging again, his voice echoing through the silence. But you couldn't. You were too hurt, too betrayed. You curled up tighter on the cold floor, your heart aching as his pleas continued to echo through the small apartment.

"I...I need to go," Hongjoong finally whispered, his voice heavy with sorrow. You heard his footsteps recede and the faint sound of the hallway door closing. You were finally alone, the silence in the apartment a stark reminder of the void he had left behind. In the silence of your apartment, you allowed yourself to break down completely. Your sobs echoed through the empty space, your heartache manifesting in the tears that streamed down your face. You felt the loss of him deeply like a part of you had been ripped away.

six

You had lost track of how much time had passed since you last saw Hongjoong. The days blurred into weeks, and the weeks blurred into months. Morning turned into night, and night turned back into morning, but the ache in your heart remained constant. Hongjoong’s absence was like a gaping wound that refused to heal. You found yourself going through the motions of life, putting on a brave face during the day while falling apart in the solitude of the night. Every little thing reminded you of him - a certain song on the radio, the scent of his favorite cologne lingering in the air, the way the morning sunlight streamed through the window just the way he liked it. You knew it was wrong, that you needed to move on, but it was easier said than done. The memories of him were etched deep within your heart, a part of you that you couldn’t just erase. You missed his laughter, his touch, the way he used to look at you. You missed him, and it hurt more than you ever thought possible. Try as you might, you were coping really badly without him. His absence had left a void in your life that you didn't know how to fill. You felt lost, adrift in a sea of loneliness. You yearned for his presence, for the comfort and familiarity that he brought into your life. Despite the heartache and the pain, you were holding on. Holding on to the hope that, maybe, with time, the pain would lessen. Holding on to the memories that brought you joy in your darkest moments. Holding on to the love that, despite everything, still lingered within your heart.

You started to go clubbing, drinking more alcohol than you should, each shot you took was a desperate attempt to erase him from your mind, to numb the pain that was threatening to consume you. You tried to lose yourself in the rhythm, in the mindless chatter and laughter around you, but all you could think about was Hongjoong. Alcohol, which was supposed to help you forget, ironically made him even more present. His name was etched on every bottle, his memory swirled in every glass, his phantom touch felt in every drunken stupor. Each night was a replay of all the moments you shared, every word exchanged, every secret whispered, every promise made.

The club was packed, the music pounding in time with your heartbeat. The smell of alcohol and sweat filled the air, mingling with the intoxicating scent of perfume. Lost in the crowd, you tried to drown out the loneliness that gnawed at your insides. Suddenly, you felt a presence beside you. Turning, you found yourself face to face with a stranger. He was handsome, with a warm smile and dark, inviting eyes. He offered to buy you a drink, his voice barely audible over the loud music. You nodded, accepting the drink he handed you. The alcohol burned your throat, but it was a welcome distraction from the emptiness you felt. As the night progressed, the stranger became more comfortable. He leaned in closer, his hand brushing against yours. His touch sent a jolt through your body, a feeling of excitement... and something else. Something that felt like a betrayal. The stranger leaned in for a kiss, his lips barely inches from yours. You wanted to respond, to surrender to the desire that was churning within you. But as his lips meet yours, a flash of Hongjoong's face appears in your mind. It was as if a bucket of cold water had been dumped on you. Suddenly, the stranger's touch felt wrong, his presence a stark reminder of what you were missing. With a gasp, you pulled away, pushing the stranger off you. You stumbled back, your heart pounding in your chest. You turned and ran, pushing through the crowd, desperate to escape. The stranger called after you, but his voice was drowned out by the thumping music. Once outside, you leaned against the wall, gasping for breath. Tears welled up in your eyes as you realized the truth. Despite the desire to move on, to forget Hongjoong, your body seemed to have a mind of its own. You still craved his touch, his presence. It felt like your body was still his, refusing to let go, refusing to be with anyone else. It was a painful realization, a glaring reminder of the void that Hongjoong had left in your life. Staggering back to your apartment, you felt more alone than ever.

After what felt like forever, you reached your apartment complex. Stumbling through the doorway, you barely had the strength to close the door behind you. Your thoughts were a blur, the world spinning around you as the effects of the alcohol finally started to take a toll. You leaned against the wall for support, the cold surface offering a stark contrast to the warmth that was spreading through your body. A bitter laugh escaped your lips as you slid down the wall, your body finally giving in to the exhaustion. You sat there, alone in the darkness, the silence of your apartment echoing the emptiness you felt inside. You pulled out your phone, your fingers hovering over Hongjoong's name. Without any hesitation, feeling like you had already waited too long, you pressed the call button. The phone rang, but there was no answer. A pang of disappointment hit you, though it was an outcome you weren't entirely surprised by. You sighed, waiting for the beep before leaving a voicemail.

"Hongjoong, it's me," you began, your voice slightly shaky. "I was out clubbing, and there was this guy… We kissed and… and he wanted to take me home. But I couldn't... I couldn't because it felt like I would be cheating on you. And that just... it made me feel sick." There was a pause as you braced yourself, gathering your thoughts. "The worst thing is," you continued, your voice slightly choked, "that I would still welcome you with open arms. I miss our life together, Hongjoong. I miss you." There was another pause, a heavy silence filling the line. "I'm so sorry," you said, your voice barely a whisper. "I'm so sorry for making you feel bad about choosing your career. I know how much you wanted what you have now. And I... I shouldn't have held you back." You took a deep breath, your heart pounding in your chest as you grappled with the words you knew you had to say. "And Hongjoong," you added, your voice filled with a quiet intensity, "I will never not love you." With that, you ended the call, the silence that followed echoing with the weight of your words.

In a haze, you managed to make your way to your bed, your body sinking into the familiar comfort of the mattress. The silence in the room felt overwhelming, and your mind filled with thoughts of Hongjoong. You missed him terribly, the uncertainty of his whereabouts gnawing at you. Pulling out your phone, you started to text him, your fingers clumsily typing out the words.

"Hongjoong... I miss you. I don't know where you are... and it's driving me crazy," you typed, the words blurring on the screen as tears welled up in your eyes. You hit send, the message disappears into the ether. Tears trickled down your cheeks, the emptiness of the room amplifying the loneliness you felt. You cried a deep, aching sob that echoed in the silence of the room, your body shaking with the intensity of your feelings. The room was dark, the only light coming from the screen of your phone, you picked it up and started typing another message.

"Hongjoong, I miss you."

"I need you, Hongjoong."

As you sent the message, a wave of regret washed over you. You knew you shouldn't have sent it, but the alcohol in your system and the loneliness in your heart had made you reckless.

"I still love you."

"I love you so much it hurts."

"I wish I wasn’t hurting this bad."

You dropped your phone on the bed, the screen illuminating the darkness as your messages were sent into the void, unanswered.

"I wish things were different."

The truth of your words hit you like a sledgehammer, and you broke down again, sobs shaking your body as you curled up on your bed. You cried until you fell asleep, your dreams filled with memories of Hongjoong.

seven

The crowd roared with applause as Hongjoong left the stage, his heart pounding in his chest. The energy from the audience was infectious, their cheers and screams echoing in his ears long after the music had stopped. The final show of the tour had been a resounding success, each seat filled, each ticket sold. As he walked off the stage, the reality of their success began to sink in. The bright lights, the screaming fans, the sold-out venues - it was more than he had ever dreamed of. Despite the fatigue that was beginning to set in, he couldn't help but bask in the afterglow of their performance. The excitement, the adrenaline, the sheer joy of performing - it was a feeling like no other. After all was said and done, he found himself walking through the corridors, personally thanking each member of the crew. Their faces lit up at his words of gratitude, their hard work acknowledged by their leader. The atmosphere was filled with camaraderie and mutual respect, a testament to the bond they shared. Once he had made his rounds, he finally reached his sanctuary - his dressing room. The room was dimly lit, the quiet hum of the air conditioning the only sound breaking the silence. Rows of neatly hung suits, shirts, and accessories greeted him, a stark contrast to the chaos that had ensued earlier. Exhaustion washed over him like a tidal wave, the adrenaline that had been fueling him all day finally starting to wane. His body felt heavy, his mind cloudy from the day's events. He moved towards the plush leather couch sitting in the corner of the room, his legs giving way as he sank into the soft cushions. The quietness of the room enveloped him, a soothing balm to his frayed nerves. He let out a sigh of relief, his body sinking further into the couch as he allowed the exhaustion to take over. The day had been long and arduous, but he had made it through, and for that, he was grateful. Hongjoong reached out and picked up his phone from the bedside table. The bright screen lit up, and his heart skipped a beat as he saw your name at the top of his notifications. Hongjoong's heart pounded in his chest as he played the voice message. Your voice, which he hadn’t heard in so long, laced with alcohol and desperation, echoed in his brain. His breath hitched at your confession, the image of another man touching you burning in his mind. It was a torment he hadn't prepared for, a reality he refused to accept. His grip on his phone tightened, his knuckles turning white as your words washed over him. Each syllable was like a dagger to his heart, the pain raw and unbearable. As the full weight of your words sunk in, he was left reeling, the reality of your pain and longing hitting him like a punch to the gut. He had never felt more helpless, more desperate. After hearing the voice message, he quickly clicked on the text notifications. His fingers trembled slightly as he read the messages:

my love: "Hongjoong... I misssss youuuu. Don't knoowww whereeee u r... it's drivin' me craaaazy."

my love: "Honjoong, I missss youuuu.”

my love: "I neeedd yoooo, Hongjoongg.”

my love: "I stiilll lovvee yooouu.”

my love: "I wishhh thinggs werre differrrent.”

my love: "I luvv yu sooo muchh it hurttss."

my love: "I wishh I wasn't hurtin' thiss badd."

In a heartbeat, Hongjoong got up from the sofa, the quick motion caused his head to spin. Shaking off the disorientation, he lunged for his bag, hastily gathering his belongings in a flurry of swift movements. All his thoughts were consumed by one singular goal - he needed to see you. Not bothering with changing out of his stage attire into something more casual, he embraced the urgency of the moment, allowing it to fuel his actions. He shrugged on his jacket, barely noticing the lingering sweat on his skin or the way his stage clothes clung to his body. Hongjoong’s heart pounded in his chest, as he sprinted out of the dressing room. His eyes darted around the bustling backstage area, scanning the familiar faces and chaotic scenery in search of one person. His manager. Every second was critical, each fleeting moment amplifying the urgency of his need to see you. The world around him seemed to blur into a whirlwind of colours and sounds as he navigated through the backstage chaos, his mind solely focused on his mission.

"Hongjoong, are you alright?" Minah, the stylist, asked as she approached him cautiously. She had been observing him from a distance, noting the far-off look in his eyes. It was unlike him to be this distracted, especially when they were on a tight schedule. Hongjoong didn't even notice her until she was right next to him, her voice cutting through the fog of his thoughts. He blinked, turning to look at her with a slightly startled expression.

"Where is my manager?" he asked, his voice tense. It wasn't like him to be so curt, and Minah knew instantly that something was off. She glanced warily at him, biting her lower lip anxiously.

"He stepped out for a moment, he should be back soon," she replied, trying to keep her voice steady. She had been working with Hongjoong for a while now and she had never seen him this agitated before. Hongjoong nodded, his gaze wandering off again as he started scanning the room left and right. He looked like a man on edge, his eyes darting around the room as if searching for an escape route. His hands were clenched tightly in his lap, his knuckles turning white from the pressure. Minah watched him with growing concern, her mind racing as she tried to think of a way to help. She had seen him tired, stressed, even overwhelmed at times, but she had never seen him like this. He looked like he was at his breaking point, like he was about to shatter into a million pieces. She knew better than to press him for answers, knowing that he would open up when he was ready. But as the minutes ticked by and his anxiety seemed to mount, she couldn't help but worry. Something was clearly wrong, and she felt helpless as she watched him struggle.

"Fuck it," he cursed under his breath, his thoughts racing as he rushed towards the back doors that led to the underground parking lot. Hongjoong made his way through, heading straight for the exit. At that moment, the possible consequences of his actions didn't matter to him. Just as he was about to pry open the alarmed doors, causing the alarm to ring out, he heard someone calling his name.

"Hongjoong, what do you think you're doing?" It was his manager, jogging over to him.

"I'm going back home," Hongjoong declared, his voice ringing with a determination that startled his manager. The manager, taken aback by the sudden change in his typically professional demeanor, quickly tried to regain control of the situation. He grabbed Hongjoong by the shoulder, attempting to steer him back towards the conference room where a team of publicists and stylists awaited their return.

"You aren't going anywhere, Hongjoong," his manager sternly replied, his grip tightening on Hongjoong's shoulder. "We're flying back in two days after the interviews. You know the schedule." Typically, Hongjoong was a stickler for professionalism. He understood the importance of maintaining a certain image, of fulfilling his responsibilities and keeping to the schedule. But this was not a typical situation. His mind was filled with thoughts of you, your voice in that message echoing in his ears. The sound of your soft sobs, the barely concealed panic in your voice - they haunted him. He needed to be with you, to hold you, to reassure you that everything was going to be okay.

With a firm shake of his shoulder, he freed himself from his manager's grasp, his movements abrupt and filled with a newfound, desperate energy.

"Seonghwa will take the leader role when I'm gone," he declared, his voice louder than it had been all night. "You will figure something out," he continued, his voice echoing with a resolve that hadn't been there before. Hongjoong gaze was intense, almost desperate, as he looked at his manager, it was a look they had never seen before, a look that spoke of desperation and determination that was both terrifying and heartbreaking. "Give me the keys to the car," Hongjoong demanded, his voice icily calm in contrast to the furious glint in his eyes. But his manager defied him, refusing to hand over the keys. Hongjoong was on a rampage, his usual composed demeanor replaced with a fiery rage that was starting to consume him. His vision blurred, the edges tinged with red as his frustration escalated."I NEED to go!" Hongjoong shouted, his voice filled with an urgency that cut through the tense silence.

"You're not thinking straight, Hongjoong," his manager retorted, his tone laced with frustration and concern. "You can't just abandon everything and run off. Think about the consequences!"

"I don't care about the consequences!" Hongjoong snapped, his patience wearing thin. "This is more important!"

"Oh, is it?" his manager sneered, a manipulative glint in his eyes. "Remember, Hongjoong, I can ruin you. I can leak your little secret to the press. Imagine the scandal, the headlines... ''ATEEZ's leader, Kim Hongjoong, abandons tour to chase after ex-girlfriend.'' How do you think the fans will react?" Hongjoong knew it was a threat, a blatant attempt to control him, but the reality of the situation was that his manager held the power to destroy his career.

Hongjoong's heart pounded in his chest, his blood running cold at his manager's words. He gritted his teeth as he cut off his manager's words.

"How do you know it's about her?" he demanded, his voice harsh. A cold dread washed over him as he considered the implications. How was it even possible for his manager to know you had contacted him? After all these months of radio silence, how could he possibly know? His manager shrugged, an unreadable expression on his face.

"I have my ways," he said cryptically. "Besides, it's not like I don't know what she still means to you." The words stung, a harsh reminder of the heartache Hongjoong had been trying to bury. "Don't tell me I didn't warn you," his manager said smugly, dangling the car keys in front of him. With a sigh, Hongjoong snatched the keys from his hand, his determination unwavering. He would face the consequences of his actions, whatever they may be, as long as it meant he could be there for you.

For the first time in his life, Hongjoong didn't care about professionalism or the implications of his actions. He didn't care about the shocked expressions of his manager and the other staff members. He didn't care about the potential backlash or the consequences he might face. This time, all he cared about was you.

[awriterlivinginaconstantdream]

Just Let Me Hold You While You Sleep

John ‘Soap’ Mactavish x daughter!OC

Just a little drabble about Johnny and his adopted daughter

If you listen to the song while reading it will an amazing experience. Trust me.

Words : 1.3k

He held her softly in his arms rocking her gently as the sound of her breathing softly filled his ears like a sweet melody. He cradled her as her mouth formed a small smile, rubbing circles on her back soothingly, looking at his daughter so lovingly. He adored the way she fit so perfectly in his arms. Her tiny body radiating trust and warmth from her slumber, she snuggled against him as her eyebrows furrowed adorably. His large arms were the perfect pillow for her head, large enough she could rest on them and soft enough to fall asleep on them, strong enough so she knew that he would not let her fall and if she did, he would catch her. 

She wasn’t his blood, but he would give her everything. She was not his blood, but he loved her as if he birthed her himself. She was not his blood, but she was a good as. All these thoughts raced through his head as he watched her sleep calmly and soothingly. He could feel her heart thumping against her chest as she held one hand on to his shirt for dear life. He had one arm cradling her and one hand holding her other free hand playing with her soft little fingers. He leaned back never letting go so her head could rest on his chest, she sighed softly, a deep breath leaving her body. He watched her sleep as the rain pattered away on the windows. The serenity of it all was just so perfect. He readjusted her body so her feet could also rest on the couch, they twitched at the movement. His little girl in his arms. So cute. So peaceful. He could not tell that this is the same little girl that annoyed him and disobeyed at all hours of the day because now she was silent and running around in dreamland. His heart could not handle the way she sometimes snorted in her sleep or even mumbled. She looked adorable, all snuggled up against him. His gentle breathing keeping hers steady. ‘I can’t believe she fell asleep on me like this,’ he thought to himself annoyed, but he would not have it any other way. He would not change a single thing about this moment. Not one thing. Nothing could take her away from him. He would do anything to protect her, even herself if necessary.

He closed his eyes and began to remember all their moments. ‘She always knew how to make me smile,’ he thought, ‘Even when I couldn’t bring a new game or album she wanted.’ ‘She also knew how to grind my gears and annoy me’ he chuckled softly. She truly was like a puppy. A puppy that would one day grow up and achieve many remarkable things. There was one memory, it shined brighter than others like a star on the darkest night. Just like she does, even now in her sleeping form.

It was a Sunday afternoon, the sun was casting a gentle golden glow on the street, the sky littered with purple and pink clouds as the day ended. The trees wafting in the warm breeze. He was on leave from base for two weeks after getting an injury to his shoulder. Just a torn muscle, nothing incredibly major. It just meant he was not able to perform his duties. He came back to his daughter waiting for him with a stupid, massive grin on her face. Her hair looked a little wild, but craziness aside she threw her small arms around him and hugged him tight. There was only a handful of times your dad was allowed home when he was working in one of the most dangerous task forces in the world. She was proud but that did not mean she did not miss him. She held on to him for as long as possible, never letting go even as he was trying to walk into the house, tiny feet scurrying along with his. He felt loved and wanted whenever he walked into his home. It was the smile that she gave him that made risking his life worth it. Just like any father, he would bring the moon to see his little girl smile. Even though, she was not his. She made every drill, every mission, every gunshot, every near-death experience worth it. Because it was worth seeing her smile and come running to him every time he got back. His injury did not change the way she saw him, it just meant that she could not climb all over him without trying to hurt him. She did go on an adventure in their house looking for his weapons that he had at home. A wonderful back and forth between doing chores and schoolwork. Running up and down, left, and right, looking for these weapons (he never kept them in the house). He did have to be harsh with her so she wouldn’t do anything that could cause her harm. “If you find anything, don’t use it unless I’m around,” he told her. “Don’t run around with it. Don’t put your finger on the trigger. Don’t try and steal it either because I will know.,” he added sternly. “Aye Aye captain.,” she joked in return, aware of her father’s dream of being a captain. He was not impressed, ‘She’s not taking me seriously, is she?’ he thought to himself. It was times like this he wanted to cherish and keep in his mind forever. Hopefully, before he dies moments like this can flash before his eyes.

Before he realised, he cries softly into her snuggled form. Tears flowing down lovingly as he held her tighter. It pained his heart to even think about her leaving. Even now, she remained asleep, never moving, and never changing. She was the key to keeping his boots on the ground, wherever he went, he knew that his daughter would be waiting for him, waiting to tell him all the amazing and wonderful things that happened at school. The wonderful memories she made with her friends, all stockpiled waiting for him. 

She tumbled out of her slumber and sleepily looked at her father as he sobbed quietly into her hair. She wrestled her arms free from being tightly secured against his body and wrapped them tightly around his chest. Hugging him back and tried to calm him down as he silently sobbed in her hair. She moved so she could wipe his eyes with the pads of the fingers. He looked up and let her continue wiping away his tears. “Don’t be sad, dad.,” she told him softly. He teared up again at these words, but she wiped them away before he could start the waterfalls again. To cheer him up, she covered his eyes with her hands and then uncovered them. Peekaboo! She did this repeatedly while he chuckled as remnants of tears fell down his cheeks. He still held her in his arms as she acted playfully. “Stop it, you’re going to kill me.” he remarked. She continued the game till she was sure he was no longer upset. “Why were you upset? Did I do something wrong?” she asked. 

“No, I just had a lot of feelings, holding you.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t worry about it. You’re too young to understand what I mean right now.”

“You can tell me.”

“I just want you to stay.” he spoke. It was only six words and to him it might as well have been a novel of emotions. “But I am right here?” she wondered; she was very confused at what he meant. Was it in the literal sense? Was it in a ‘I don’t want you to grow up’ kind of way? Or was it a ‘don’t leave before I do’ kind of way? Even in her confused state, she looked at him and smiled fondly. He could tell behind her eyes that she didn’t know what he meant and to him, maybe that was a good thing, that smile was his reason to stay, the same way when the sun shines, all the colours in the world begin to bloom.

They both just wanted to stay.

[thefringespod]

Finally got smart enough to make my #AudioDramaSunday list ahead of time so I wouldn't forget anything for once! We're gonna start today with the newest Magus Protocol episode which was phenomenal. Cole Weavers wrote this one and I just adore his writing. Also: Augustus is here 👀

Early access for the newest ep of @souloperatorpod was this week and y'all have a TREAT waiting for you tomorrow. Tot continues to astound me with her many talents and we also get to meet a new character who I'm already in love with

@tellnotalespod has brought us back to Julia and Riley who are overworking themselves (especially Riley. Let them sleep.) I love getting to hear from them in these mini eps but they DO make me want to shake Leo even harder Leo please talk to your friends please

@camlannpod episode 2 released this week and my gods it was so much fun. A blend of deep and emotional scenes and comedy (I'm still thinking about "The CW lied to me") I love every character with my whole heart and have been loving all the theories on tumblr about the show

New @innbetween was so sweet I love hearing the Lowlifes become actual friends. Phoebe thinking that everyone wanted her to leave squeezed my heart so hard and everyone insisting she stay because she was the one that they wanted for the quest??? Just so so good

@somewhereohio has once again knocked me flat with this episode. The worldbuilding around Jasmine and what's going on with her memories is incredible! I am an Orange Splice stan 1st and person 2nd. Also the Nadia/Alex scene breaks my heart because I know how they end 😭.

New Technomancy Project was SO GOOD!! And I was FUCKING RIGHT!!! I said this before but I love having all of them play Belial's game this time around and I don't think there's a single EPO agent who didn't make me cry this ep. The Technomancy Project continues to kick ass

Caught up on last weeks @thesiltverses and gods it fucked me up (affectionate) B Narr does such a fantastic job with Faulkner. I love him. I hate him. I want him to get whats coming to him & I want to protect him from it at the same time. B's performance knocks me flat every time

There was another special episode of @wakeofcorrosion this week featuring the Fringes' very own @totcoc0a and @taytayheyhey! I will never forgive them for what they did to my heart <3 Shaun Pellington wrote a killer script and deserves none of the blame even if it did break me

Continuing to make my way through the Storage Papers this week and episodes 13-19 were VERY good. I said "Nope, don't like that" out loud multiple times while listening to 19 which is the exact reaction you want from a horror pod.

This isn't a new episode listen but @wpwcpod has announced their existence and cast and im SO FUCKING EXCITED!! Not only do I love CL Hendry's writing but it will also feature the Fringes' very own Ollie Bannerman and @chainofbeing Cai Gwilym Pritchard I'm so hyped

Also not a new episode listen but Athan (creator of The Grotto) has announced that his album is coming out on March 29! If you've listened to The Grotto then you know Athan writes killer music. And if you dont listen to the Grotto: DO IT GO LISTEN RIGHT NOW ITS SO GOOD

Here on the Fringes we're preparing for the second half of the season! Episode 19 is available RIGHT NOW at patreon.com/PineTreePods and will be available to the public this Wednesday! Also gearing up to finish the last 3 episodes of season 3 which I'm super excited for

And over on @forgedbondspod the first half of the show is written! The cast has been thrown into a discord and has access to scripts now which is super exciting, I can't wait for yall to hear what's going to come from the first 24 eps

And that's all for this week! It's a long audiodrama Sunday post but there's just. So much good stuff going on. Every day I'm so grateful to exist in this audiodrama space and to share my work with yall <3

[harry-on-broadway]

The Last Line: Part One

Part One 

Word Count: 9.4K || Series Masterlist || Rating: M

A/N: I didn’t think I’d be writing another series so soon after TYTM but...this little idea of an enemies-to-friends-to-lovers story that I’ve been thinking about for a long time just wouldn’t go away. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I’m enjoying writing it. Would love to hear what everyone thinks! 

***

May 12, 2017

Review: Harry Styles Heads In A New Direction

By Penny Sanders

If you know someone, most likely a young woman, between the ages of 13 and 30, chances are you’ve heard of Harry Styles.

Or at least his former band, One Direction.

Styles is one of the five young men that were thrown together by the infamous Simon Cowell to create the best selling boy band of all-time. Over their brief career, One Direction’s discography cast a wide net, attracting fans of all ages. Young tweens and their millennial counterparts were drawn in by the clean-cut look of the lads clad in blazers and bowties and lyrics that felt like they were pulled from a self-insert fanfiction. However, as the years progressed the band added a bit of an edge – tattoos, rumors of an attempted threesome, and lyrics about a loaded gun (read: erect penis). But with 1D in the midst of an indefinite hiatus, all eyes are on Harry, Niall, Liam, and Louis (and Zayn too) to see what comes next.

Styles has answered that question with a 10-song debut that is worlds away from the five albums he put out with his former band. Gone are the bubblegum beats, replaced by alternatively somber and bombastic instrumentals. And forget cheeky “wink-wink nod-nod” lyrics to – gasp! sex! Styles readily admits getting himself off in a hotel room in the album’s closer, “From the Dining Table.”

It’s not a poor offering, but frankly, it’s not great either. While he pushes himself to redefine the sound that has been associated with him for more than five years, the result is a generic LP that will likely be forgotten as soon as one of the industry’s legitimate superstars releases a new single. And, to head off the question I’ve already received from many of Styles’ supporters on Twitter, I can guarantee that you won’t be seeing this album or any of its tracks, mentioned at this year’s Grammy Awards.

One of the bright spots on the album, the lead single “Sign Of The Times,” feels like a grand moment, but it also feels misplaced, almost as if it was a song that should have come a decade into his solo career. Despite poignant lyrics (the song is purportedly about a mother dying in childbirth), Styles’ falsetto needs strengthening and at times he sounds like a young boy trying to imitate his elders. He has talent and shows promise, but isn’t able to pull off a ballad of that caliber yet. Other songs, like “Sweet Creature” and “Two Ghosts” are instantly forgettable, though “Kiwi,” while memorable, is just plain painful to listen to.

Styles is obviously popular, and that alone will be enough to propel him to years of sold-out shows and chart-topping albums. But he needs something else – a secret ingredient if you will –  to launch him to further stardom and cement his name alongside his idols Nicks, Bowie, and Jagger. Otherwise, he’ll be nothing but a midnight memory.

***

September 21, 2017

Review: Harry Styles Rocks The Greek Theatre

By Penny Sanders

Months after the release of his self-titled debut album, Harry Styles found himself at the Greek Theatre, ready to play to a sold out crowd that had likely been waiting for this moment since One Direction’s final performance.

And let me just say, attending a Harry Styles concert is an experience like no other.

The intimate venue was a nice change of pace for Styles who was selling out stadiums in the latter half of One Direction’s tour. He was always seen as the charming one, and the small stage makes that even more apparent, giving him more than enough time to banter with the audience, introduce songs, and connect with his audience. I’m sure many of those in the front of the crowd will tell stories for years to come of the night they made eye contact with the heartthrob.

With just 10 songs of his own, he relied on some One Direction hits and other covers to fill out the setlist. With the exception of “The Chain,” most of the covers sounded nothing like the original version, leading anyone unfamiliar with Styles’ career so far to assume the guitar heavy, rocking versions of the songs – notably “What Makes You Beautiful” and “Story of My Life” – are the standard.

Styles has a charisma like no other, and even though it’s clear it takes him a while to warm up to the crowd, perhaps a symptom of never being alone onstage in his career so far, he’s a born performer who belongs on the stage. But for me, he wasn’t the standout. It was his fans.

The crowd was ready for fun, dressed to the nines, with nearly everyone carrying overflowing bags of merch. They sang along to the songs word perfect and clung to Styles every word, cheering louder than I’ve ever heard when he entered the stage. It was a joyous occasion and had an energy I haven’t seen in any of the concerts I’ve recently attended.

I spoke to a number of women in attendance last night, asking them what drew them to the show. Some cited their One Direction fandom, while others spoke of the sounds of his music, and how it reminded them of other classic songs they love. But for many, Styles himself was the primary reason for being there.

“He makes things really personal,” said Ally, a college student who came from Minneapolis to see the show – her third time seeing Styles this year. “A lot of the other concerts I go to, the artists don’t say anything other than a generic thank you. But Harry makes every show feel special.”

“He feels like a friend,” said Katrina, a local high-schooler. “School’s not always easy and I sometimes struggle with things, but when I listen to his music or go to one of his shows, it feels comforting. Like I’m in a safe place.”

These statements perfectly summarize why Styles’ concerts are so unique.

If he stays true to what his fans want and lets his personality shine on stage, that, in addition to strengthening his songwriting, could be enough to land him alongside his musical icons, and 50 years from now, we’ll see him headlining stadiums on his own, playing a career’s worth of hits as the crowd – full more than just women – sings along.

Longtime readers will remember that I was less than effusive in my review of Styles’s debut, but after seeing him live, I must eat my words and say he’s going places.

***

Transcript from the “Track After Track” podcast, Episode 147: July 21, 2018

Ethan: Speaking of concerts, Penny, you just saw Harry Styles at the Forum, right?

Penny: Yeah, I was there a week ago. Eight days? No a week ago. Sorry it all blends together.

Ethan: I mean, you are at a concert every night, pretty much, so I’ll give you a pass.

Penny: [laughs] You’re so kind. But yes, I was at his show.

Tyler: How was that? I never know what to make of these boy band guys. For every Timberlake, there’s 10 Chris Kirkpatricks.

Penny: It wasn’t terrible. He puts on a good show.

Ethan: Was this your first time seeing him?

Penny: No. I saw him twice when he was in One Direction. And when he was at the Greek.

Tyler: And?

Penny: Like I said, he’s not terrible. It’s clear that his music and personality has resonated with a lot of people, so his shows are filled with fans and have a great energy. Listening to the album on its own is kind of meh…there weren’t a lot of tracks that stuck out as memorable…but live it can be kind of fun. You can tell he loves performing and really feeds off the crowd.

Ethan: Confession: I actually haven’t listened to the album yet.

Penny: That doesn’t surprise me based on the number of EDM CDs in your car.

Ethan: [laughs] Yeah, the genre definitely isn’t my cup of tea, but I think Harry is someone the industry really needs to watch. He’s going to do big things. Well, even bigger since he’s already pretty massive. Tyler, have you listened?

Tyler: Yeah, but I just can’t bring myself to get into it. Like, you just mention his name and you can hear the teen girls screaming off in the distance. I just think it’s a red flag when your fanbase is that narrow. Like if teen girls are your driver, how are you going to succeed? What happens when they’re not 13 and hormonal anymore. You’re not seeing a lot of geriatric boy band fans.

Penny: Wow! Ageism and sexism all in one statement! That has to be a first for you! It’s fine to say you don’t like his music, but to discount it purely on the basis that younger women like it…that’s just plain ignorant.

Tyler: Let’s evaluate this in five years and see where he is.

Penny: Fine, in five years have me back on this podcast and we’ll discuss his Grammy win.

Tyler: You’re out of your goddamn mind if you think Harry Styles will win a Grammy. You need to start thinking with your head and not your – (inaudible)

Penny: Seriously?

Ethan: OK, let’s talk charts…

***

Talking Biz News  

November 8, 2018

Penny Sanders to join media start-up The Moment as Music Reporter

***

Present Day, 2019

“She needs to go back to copyediting and stop fucking up my stories,” Chloe barked, stabbing lettuce onto her fork to match her anger. “She knows nothing about film but is constantly trying to make corrections and I’m just like ‘No?!? That’s not how the fucking industry works.’” She looked across the table at Penny. “Am I crazy?”

“No, you’re not crazy,” Penny said, trying to soothe her friend. “I have the same issue with Darren. He came in thinking he was hot shit because he had been at Rolling Stone and started trying to explain how the charts work as if I haven’t been covering this for years. I can’t tell you how much time I spend undoing his edits before the piece goes to Skylar.”

“Why can’t this newsroom hire a competent editor?” Chloe asked. “It’s not that hard.”

“Probably because no editor wants to work here?”

“Good point!”

Penny and Chloe were eating a late lunch in the courtyard of the complex that housed The Moment, the entertainment publication they both worked for. They’d met three years ago during a summer internship at Variety and forged an alliance after realizing they were the only two women in the program. Penny had wanted to cover music and Chloe was determined to become a film reporter, and they’d been thrilled to finally end up at The Moment together after several years of freelancing and fighting for staff writer roles. Now, they were unstoppable, filing stories daily and dodging pointless notes from their first editors.

“Wait, Penny…didn’t you file your piece on ‘Old Town Road’ today?”

“Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why? It’s such an interesting story,” Chloe whined. “And I haven’t seen anyone covering it yet.”

“That always makes me nervous.” Penny swirled her spoon through her bowl of soup.

“It shouldn’t. It means you’re ahead of the curve.”

“Or I’ve completely misjudged the story. Maybe it’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. Give it a month and everyone will be talking about it.” Chloe paused. “Is Darren taking firsts?”

“Yes.”

“Oh fuck.”

“Yeah, it’s not looking good for me, Chlo.”

The Moment’s typical reporting and editing process involved a reporter filing a story to one editor, who would do an intensive first edit, fixing the structure of the story, making notes on sections that needed to be added or get cut, and getting the piece 99% ready for publication. The second round of edits was largely focused on fixing grammar and spelling, as well as fact-checking, ahead of publication. Penny typically preferred Skylar, the publication’s editor-in-chief, to take on first edits. While she could be tough, she was smart and kind, and Penny’s stories were always much better after Skylar got her hands on them. When other editors, like Darren, took first edits, Penny knew to prepare herself for days of tears, stress, and questioning her life choices.

“What about you?” Penny asked, wanting to shift the conversation away from her anxiety over her story. “Have things calmed down post-Oscars?”

“Yes. Thankfully.”

Penny knew Chloe loved her job but from late August to early March, she was running from festival to festival, covering awards season. In addition to writing her articles, she, like Penny, found herself taking on media hits as an added responsibility, appearing on morning shows, podcasts, and radio programs to break down entertainment topics for everyday consumers. It was fun and super fulfilling, but it was also exhausting.

“When is Cannes again?”

“May!” Chloe said brightly. “Easily my favorite festival.”

“I have no idea why,” Penny said with a sly grin. “Two weeks on a French beach surrounded by celebrities, eating the most delicious food. It sounds horrid.”

“Oh my God, Penny? What are you doing here?”

Penny and Chloe turned in synchronicity to look at the man who had shouted at them from a table across the path.

“Do we know him?” Chloe asked, mumbling the question through the tentative grin she had plastered on her face.

“I can’t actually see his face,” Penny admitted, squinting trying to gain a better view.

“This is why you need to wear your glasses,” Chloe hissed.

“Of all the food courts in Los Angeles,” the man continued as he walked over to them.

“Wait…Tom? Is that you?”

“It is! How have you been?” He opened his arms and pulled Penny into him. She wrapped her own arms around him.

“So good. I didn’t realize you were out here.”

“I’ve actually been here for a few years now.”

“Shit. Really. I feel so bad that I didn’t reach out,” Penny said apologetically. “And I’m also surprised that my mom didn’t mention you.”

“Eh, it’s not a problem,” he shrugged.

“Care to introduce me?” Chloe asked.

“Ah, yes,” Penny said, composing herself. “Chloe, this is Tom Skoglund. He’s a longtime family friend, although I’m sure that title is being called into question since I didn’t even know he was living here. Tom, this is Chloe. She’s a friend of mine who also works at The Moment.” Penny stepped back to allow Chloe and Tom to shake hands and exchange pleasantries. “Do you want to sit with us?” she asked when they were finished, noting Tom’s sandwich and chips.

“If you don’t mind,” he said. “I’d love to catch up.”

Penny and Chloe sat back down as Tom pulled up a third chair and set his food down. “So you’re still doing the reporter thing?” he asked with a grin. He turned to Chloe. “Penny used to write a newsletter for everyone in the neighborhood. It had news items and opinion pieces all written by her. I seem to remember a glowing review for the second High School Musical soundtrack.”

“It’s full of bangers and you know it,” Penny said with a grin.

Tom turned to Chloe. “Do you also cover music?”

Chloe shook her head. “I’m a film girl.”

“Thoughts on the Oscars?” he asked as he took a bite.

“Anyone who actually pays attention to previous stats knew that Green Book would pull out a win so I wasn’t surprised. I will be curious to see what Netflix does next though. I personally thought The Favourite should have won, but that’s why I’m not a voter.”

“I literally only saw Black Panther and A Star Is Born so I feel like I don’t have room to say anything,” Tom said with a grimace.

“You sound like Penny,” Chloe said with a laugh. “She can tell you the exact week a song hit number one on the Billboard charts, but is frighteningly unaware of the latest movies.”

“I only have so much room for useless facts,” Penny said, earning a kick under the table from Chloe. She turned her attention back to Tom. “What are you doing here? Last I heard my mom said you were working in finance? Is that still the case?”

“God no,” he said lightly. “I had enough of that soul crushing job and decided to head out here to hack it in music. Got an assistant gig and worked my way up to manager.”

“Tom, that’s incredible,” Penny said with genuine excitement. “Who are you with?”

“Full Stop. With Jeff Azoff”

“Wow,” Penny said as Chloe let out a slow whistle. She turned to look at her friend.

“Yes, I know who the Azoffs are,” Chloe said. “And that’s impressive. Congrats, Tom.” Her phone chirped and she looked down at the screen. “Fuck. One of my sources wants to chat. I’ve got to take this.” She looked up at Penny and Tom. “It was so nice to meet you, Tom. Penny, I’ll see you at drinks later?”

Penny nodded and waved as Chloe disappeared across the grass, depositing her empty salad container in the trash. “So Full Stop,” she said, turning back to Tom. “You all have quite the roster.”

“Before you ask, no comment,” Tom said with a grin.

“Tom, I’m disappointed that you’d think I would stoop that low. I have a firm stance on not using friends for work stuff.”

“Well good, because you’d get nothing out of me.” He took a sip of his drink. “Remind me, are you still doing breaking news?” He grimaced. “I know I see your byline frequently, but I don’t always remember which article it comes in front of.”

“No. I moved on from that.” Penny didn’t miss the days of covering the desk at night, ready to pounce on any stories that came across the wire. “I mostly do reviews for concerts and albums now. I’m working my way up to business features, profiles, those types of things.”

“What should I go back and get caught up on?”

“I reviewed Maggie Rogers’ album a couple of weeks ago and wrote a review of Elton John’s show last week.”

“God, doesn’t he put on a great show.”

“One of the best. And I’m working on a feature about TikTok and ‘Old Town Road’ right now.”

“That sounds so interesting. Is it up yet?”

“No. I just filed it to my editor so there is a very good chance that it will never see the light of day. But if it does, I will send it your way.”

“Please. Let me give you my number.”

Penny pulled out her phone and handed it to her old friend. It was a strange feeling knowing that in the heyday of their friendship, they hadn’t needed each other's number, knowing they could always find the other in the cul-de-sac or the school hallways.

“Done.” Tom said, saving his contact information and passing the phone back to Penny, who quickly dashed off a text so he would have her information as well.

“I should probably head back into the office now,” Penny said. “But it was great to see you.”

“You too,” Tom said, standing to hug her. “Actually, I was wondering if you’d want to come to a little party slash happy hour thing I’m having on Friday. It’s super casual, basically just drinks and fancy snacks with a bunch of people from the office. I think they’d all love to meet you and talk music. Off the record,” he added quickly.

“That sounds like a lot of fun,” Penny replied. “I should be free Friday.”

“Great. I’ll text you my address and we can take it from there.”

“Thanks, Tom,” Penny said, collecting her trash. “I’m really looking forward to seeing more of you.”

“Same. I’ll see you on Friday.”

Penny waved as she threw her trash away and headed back to her building. She smiled to herself. It would be nice to have another friendly face around. They were too rare in her line of work.

***

Penny promptly shut her laptop at 5pm, stowing it in her tote bag and pushing her chair underneath her desk.

“Have a nice weekend!” she called out to the few staffers that were remaining in the newsroom, before heading to her car. She plugged Tom’s address into her GPS app, hit play on her Spotify playlist, and pulled out of the parking lot. She was about 45 minutes away, thanks to the heavy traffic that was a near constant presence in the city, but made it to Tom’s house before her 80s synth mix was finished playing, which she counted as a win.

She grabbed her bag and fished around in the backseat for the bottle of wine she’d purchased earlier that day. She wasn’t sure if this was that type of gathering, but she felt weird showing up empty handed. Hopefully Tom wouldn’t say no to some Trader Joe’s wine. She locked her car and walked up the path and heard some shouts coming from the backyard. She rang the bell and just a few moments later, Tom appeared with a smile on his face.

“Penny! Come on in!” he said, opening the door for her. “How was the drive over?”

“Not as bad as it could have been,” she replied, shrugging off her cardigan and tote bag.

“I can take those,” Tom offered, reaching for her belongings, and placing them in a nearby closet.

“Thanks,” Penny said. “And this is for you,” she added, offering him the bottle of wine.

“You didn’t have to bring anything.”

“It’s from Trader Joe’s, Tom. It is quite literally the least I could do.”

He laughed. “Well, thank you. I’ll put it out now. It’s an open bar, so help yourself. Once you get a drink, I’ll take you around and introduce you to everyone.”

Penny poured herself a rum and Coke, and followed Tom out to the patio, drink in hand.

“Penny, I’d like you to meet Tommy Bruce,” he said. “Tommy, this is my friend, Penny. We reconnected the other day.”

“Pleasure, Penny,” Tommy said, shaking her hand. “Do you also work in the industry?”

“Sort of. I’m a critic and reporter at The Moment. I cover music.”

“That’s sick. Do you go to a lot of shows?”

“Yes. I was at Elton John’s show the other day and I’m planning to see Post Animal in a couple of weeks.”

“I was at Elton too! I wonder if we ran into each other?”

“We probably did,” Penny said with a laugh.

“Are you planning to go to Leon Bridges?”

“I’m not sure yet. I have to get everything approved by my editor so it’s up to her.”

“I hope you can. He’s so good. Hey, Jeff!”

Tom and Tommy turned their attention to another man that had approached their small group.

“Penny, this is the man, the myth, the legend, Jeffrey Azoff,” Tom said.

“They exaggerate,” Jeff said. “Nice to meet you Penny.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Penny said, moving her drink to her other hand so she could shake Jeff’s. “I’m an old friend of Tom’s from growing up. I work as a music journalist now.”

“Yeah, you’re at The Moment, right?” Jeff said.

“Yes…” Penny said slowly.

“OK,” Tommy said, affably rolling his eyes. “He’s such a show off.”

“I try to keep up with those who cover our clients, that’s all,” Jeff said. “And if it makes me look like a show-off, so be it,” he added, as Tommy playfully punched his shoulder.

As the men continued to banter, Penny surveyed the room, making the silent calculation she faced nearly everyday. Including herself, there were four women total at the gathering, which felt like a huge accomplishment. Working in her industry, she was used to being one of the only women in the room, a blessing and a curse.

The blessing was that whenever she found another woman at an event or meeting, they instantly gravitated toward each other, which meant she’d made a lot of friends in just a few years. The curse was obvious: men.

The men that surrounded her weren’t the worst offenders – they kept their hands and other body parts to themselves and were generally very kind – but being the lone woman was noticeable. Men would casually throw out that someone was a “bitch” or offer Penny an explanation that they didn’t give to a male reporter two years her junior. Penny usually just took it with a grain of salt, sighing internally, complaining to Chloe, and then proving her worth by being the smartest one in the room. Keeping an eye on two women chatting in the corner, she started to move towards them to introduce herself when she caught sight of another person across the way.

Harry Styles.

Or was it? Was that actually him? Chloe was right, she needed to wear her glasses more often. But Harry Styles being here didn’t make any sense. What would he be doing at a random house party?

She felt a hand on her shoulder and stepped over to the side to allow the person to pass and collect her thoughts. The more she thought about it, Harry Styles being at this party made sense. She knew from stories she’d worked on that he was repped by Full Stop, so it wasn’t totally out of the realm of possibility that he would hang out with Tom and the other agents outside of work, but it was still jarring to see him out in the wild.

Whenever she told people she was a music journalist, their first instinct was to assume that she was close to many of the artists she reported on daily, but that wasn’t the case. When she was attending an event, it was a professional engagement. She was there to gather the facts, tell a story, and move on. Socializing with those in the industry outside of that professional setting made her uncomfortable. Especially when she was working on a review or piece of criticism. It was one thing to write those things and send them off into the vacuum of the internet, but when she thought about the subjects of the reviews reading her writing, she started to feel…guilty. She never intended to be mean – she knew how she felt when she received harsh notes from an editor – but the point of her reviews was to offer commentary and opinions. And if she thought too much about the people behind the work, her objectivity disappeared. So, she’d made a concerted effort to keep a firm boundary to ensure her writing was as good as it could be.

The few times she did meet musicians outside of work events, she could feel her brain going a mile a minute to remember if she’d ever written something slightly negative about them for fear they’d call her out on it, as despite what every musician claimed, they always read the reviews. And her brain started working overtime to perform these mental calculations as she saw Harry stop in front of her.

“Haven’t seen you here before. I’m Harry,” he drawled slowly, reaching out his hand.

Penny momentarily froze, but quickly recovered. “I’m Penny,” she said, shaking his hand.

“Do you work at Full Stop?” he asked, eyes glancing over her as if he was trying to figure out where she should be placed.

“No.”

“At one of the labels?”

“No.”

“OK, well I’m stumped as to where you fit it,” he said with a light laugh. “Care to enlighten me?”

“I’m a writer,” Penny replied, hoping the vague nature of her answer was enough to satisfy him.

“Have you written anything I’ve read?”

“Maybe.”

“Care to give me any other clues?” he asked, sipping from the plastic cup in his hand and leaning in closer to hear her response. Penny couldn’t tell what it was, but from the smell wafting over to her, it was something strong.

“I’m a journalist.”

“What do you cover?” Another sip, his eyes intensely focused on her.

“Entertainment,” Penny said simply, praying this game of 20 questions would be over soon.

“That’s kind of vague,” Harry replied quickly.

“That’s kind of the point.”

“Oh! A woman with an air of mystery. That’s…” he paused. “Enticing.”

“Enticing?” Penny quirked a brow and shot him a bemused grin.

“Yeah, it’s like a challenge. You’re making me work for it.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know, maybe a drink?” Harry asked hopefully.

“Wow. Subtle.”

“I try.” The corners of his lips ticked up. “Maybe I should try a little harder though.”  

Penny was thinking up a witty comeback, somewhat amused by the situation she’d found herself in and very pleased that she’d have a new story to share with Chloe at lunch on Monday, when Tom interrupted their conversation.

“There you two are! I was hoping to introduce you all tonight.” He looked at Harry, gesturing to Penny. “This is Penny. She’s a friend from back home who’s a big time writer for The Moment. She writes reviews for concerts and albums.”

Penny snuck a look at Harry and thought she saw a flicker of…something…in his eyes. It was so subtle and so brief that she didn’t have time to think about what it could mean before she felt Tom’s arm on her back.

“And Penny, you of course know Harry.”

“I do. I think one of my friends had a toothbrush with your face on it.”

“Hmmm,” Harry murmured. “Those were a hot item for sure.”

Tom’s eyes darted between the two, evidently waiting for them to continue the conversation he had interrupted. Seeing that that wasn’t going to happen, he excused himself and moved onto another group of people.

“So, music is the kind of entertainment you cover.” The banter was back but it had a harder edge this time.

“It is.”

“Have you ever written about me?”

Penny mulled her potential responses, trying to find one that could cause the path of least resistance. “No,” she said simply.

“Really?” Harry said. The challenge in his voice was evident. “You weren’t the one who said I sound like ‘a young boy trying to imitate his elders?’”

Fuck. Penny felt her face grow hot. “That might have been me.”

“I thought so.”

“How long did you know?”

“Once Tom said the name of where you work. There aren’t that many critics named Penny that wrote a scathing review of my album.”

“It wasn’t scathing,” Penny said, suddenly feeling defensive of her work. “It was critical, sure, but that’s what my job is. I’m a critic. And besides, don't musicians get off on bragging about how they don’t pay attention to the reviews?”

“Hate to break it to you but that’s a load of bullshit. We are all very sensitive creatures.”

“Well, that’s clear based on how you’re acting now.”

“How I'm acting? You’re the one that’s yelling in the middle of a party.”

“I’m not yelling!” Penny said, lowering her voice by a couple of decibels. “You’re the one that came over here trying to score and then decided to pick a fight because you can’t forget about one review from like two years ago.”

“I’m sorry–” Harry laughed in disbelief. “You thought I was trying to get lucky? What made you think that?”

“‘Ah! A mysterious woman! So enticing! I like a challenge. You’re making me bloody work for it. Let’s get a drink!’” Penny shot back in a poor imitation of his slow, deep voice.

“I did not say that.”

“Yes you did!” Penny yelped. “You totally did.”

“Whatever,” Harry mumbled, taking another sip of his drink while Penny just looked at him.

“That’s all you have to say?”

Harry looked at her blankly. “Yes?”

“Oh, I thought you might offer up a sorry.”

“What for?”

“For attacking my work.”

“I hate to break it to you, Penny, but I think you attacked my work first.”

“Because it’s my fucking job!”

“Everything alright over here?”  Jeff asked, stepping into the conversation. The look of caution on his face told Penny that her conversation with Harry had been overheard by the others at the party.

“We’re fine,” Penny said evenly.

“Yeah, peachy keen,” Harry added, earning a glare from Penny.

“I should actually be going,” Penny said.

“Oh, can’t you stay a little longer?” Jeff asked as Harry muttered “Bye, then.” Jeff cut his eyes over to Harry, who avoided his glance. “Alright then,” he said slowly. “It was nice to meet you, Penny. Hope to see you around.”

“You, too,” Penny said before swiftly leaving the group.

“What was that about?” Jeff asked, attention turned back to Harry.

“I don’t know what you’re referring to.”

“You were a bit, shall we say…dickish…back there?”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“If you say so,” Jeff said. He paused. “Have you read any of her work?”

“I’ve read enough of it.”

“You should honestly read some more. The Moment in general is a really up-and-coming publication. They’ve poached some stellar writers and editors from Billboard and Rolling Stone. And Penny…she’s smart. I think you all would have a lot to talk about.”

Harry glared at Jeff. “What makes you say that?”

“She’s got an interesting perspective. Her reviews always leave me thinking about things in a different way and I can’t say that about many critics.”

“Oh really,” Harry shot back, suddenly combative. “Did you start to reconsider my album after reading her review?”

“Calm down, H,” Jeff said gently. “Your album is a fantastic accomplishment and you know it. And she doesn’t just write criticism, she does cultural pieces as well. Check them out. She was on a podcast last year that you might find interesting.” Jeff pulled out his phone, typing quickly. “Here’s a link. Give it a listen and let me know what you think.”

Harry shot Jeff another glare and drained his cup. “Thanks,” he said dryly. “I’ll move it to the top of the list. See you later,” he called, pushing past his manager.

He tossed his cup into a nearby trash can and combed the room for Tom, offering a wave as he walked out the door. Harry walked slowly down the driveway, feeling the cool night air blow through his hair, relishing the peace. He’d felt a little off all day, but couldn’t put a finger on why, and his encounter with Penny had thrown him even more off balance. He’d been feeling like this a lot recently. Like he didn’t quite fit in alongside the other pieces of his life. He reached his car and unlocked it, sliding inside.

He plugged in his phone and stared out the windshield. Penny. He hadn’t known who she was when he approached her that night. Only that she looked pretty and that the smile she’d worn when he saw her talking to Jeff and Tommy made him want to know more about her. But as the pieces fell into place, it was impossible to look past what she’d done to him two years ago.

He didn’t know why her review had struck such a nerve with him. It wasn’t like his debut had been released to unanimous raves, and after two years of looking back on it, while he was proud of what he’d accomplished, he could see the weak spots in his work and was hoping to improve upon them with his second album. The hurt that lingered was just one of those implacable feelings.

Rolling his neck and feeling it crack, he pulled on his seatbelt and scrolled through his music library looking for something to listen to on the ride home. But after cycling through the entire library twice to no avail, he opened the text Jeffrey had sent him earlier, pressing play on the podcast episode that had been shared with him before turning the key in the ignition. His drive home was long but while he usually grew antsy watching the clock change as he sat bumper to bumper with other drivers, tonight his mind was occupied listening to the discussion echoing through his speakers.

It was an episode from one of Variety’s podcasts last year, shortly after his Forum concerts. Penny was a guest, chatting with the two guys who served as hosts. One of them sounded cool, and the other sounded like someone that he’d like to punch in the face if they ever crossed paths in real life. The episode was about his tour, specifically his shows in Los Angeles. It was weird listening to people talk about him like he was a commodity for consumption, and not like a human, a blatant reminder of why he typically abstained from engaging with anything like this.

Much to his surprise, Penny played the role of his supporter throughout the podcast, jumping to his defense when the Asshole, or whatever his name was, levied harsh words at Harry and his fans. He wouldn’t have expected that based on what she’d previously written. On the track, they shifted topics and Harry’s mind drifted off as the episode played on, ending moments before he arrived at his home. He turned off the car but made no effort to head inside. Instead, he picked up his phone and opened Instagram where he typed in Penny’s name.

Her account popped up right away. He scrolled over her page, unsurprised by what he found. Lots of pictures of concerts, sunsets on the beach, and admittedly delicious looking food. There weren’t many pictures of her but he found one that was relatively recent, posted last Christmas. She was smiling alongside some other women, probably friends based on the caption, and once again he felt something tugging inside of him when he looked at her. Next, he redownloaded the Twitter app, something he swore he would never do, and typed in Penny’s name, skimming through her Tweets. Jeff was right. She was frustratingly and irritatingly smart.

Closing out of Twitter, he navigated back to Instagram, finger hovering over the follow button. He hesitated, but after a minute his finger came down on the icon and it changed from blue to gray.

As he put his phone in his pocket and locked his car, across town Penny’s phone lit up with a notification. She missed the initial alert as she washed her face and pulled on the old college t-shirt she wore to bed most nights, but she finally noticed it when she went to set her alarm: Harry Styles followed you.

What the fuck was he trying to do? After laying into her the way he did at Tom’s house, completely unprovoked, the last thing she wanted to do was interact with him in the virtual world. She deleted the notification, plugged in her phone, and went to sleep.

When Harry woke up the next morning, the first thing he did was check his Instagram notifications. He scrolled past most of them – comments and following alerts from random fans and bots – but among all of the familiar amalgamations of usernames, Penny’s was nowhere to be found.

He laid his phone on his chest and stared at the ceiling. What game was she trying to play with him? And why did he feel so upset? The silence that surrounded him as he laid motionless was so loud.

When he finally found the motivation to get out of bed, he pulled on some jogging shorts and a tank and laced up his sneakers, grabbing headphones on his way out the door. He was hoping that a run might clear his head, but thoughts of Penny from the night before echoed alongside the sound of his feet on the pavement. Clarity hadn’t been found when he reached the five mile point, so he begrudgingly turned around to head home and shower. His mind was still swirling as he got cleaned up, and by the time he was dressed for the day and brewing coffee, he had a plan.

He pulled up his contacts and scrolled until he found the name he was looking for, pacing nervously while the phone rang.

“Hey,” the voice on the other line said. “Is everything OK?”

“Yeah, Tom. Sorry for the early morning call,” Harry said, twisting his fringe around his finger as he continued to do laps around the island. “Are you heading into the office today?”

“Seeing as it’s Saturday, I wasn’t planning on it.”

“Oh, shit,” Harry said, cringing when he took note of the early weekend hour. “I guess I lost track of time.”

“Not a problem,” Tom replied, stifling what seemed to be a yawn. “I’ll be there bright and early on Monday.

“Oh, nice. Would you maybe want to catch up and grab lunch?”

“That would be great, seeing as it’ll have been close to 48 hours since we last caught up,” Tom said a bit facetiously.

Harry said nothing trying to extract his fingers from the knot he’d twisted his fringe into. “Oh, yeah,” he mumbled after a moment.

“H, I’m kidding,” Tom said with a light laugh. “You can always swing by. Would you want to go to the bistro?”

“No, why don’t we pick somewhere more convenient to you. How about Loqui?” Harry suggested naming one of the restaurants that was in the campus that housed both the Full Stop and The Moment offices.

“Uh, yeah that’s fine. I’ll see you then. Have a good weekend, H.”

“You too, Tom.”

Harry hung up the phone and tried to figure out how he’d distract himself until Monday.

***

As Penny sat in her editor’s office Monday morning, she was trying to calculate when her next dental appointment was scheduled for and whether or not she’d be able to add on some x-rays to survey the damage done to her jaw after clenching it as hard as she had that morning.

Darren had finished reviewing her piece over the weekend, and had suggested they review his edits first thing, which wasn't the way she wanted to start the week.

“I think the biggest problem you have here is that this isn’t a story,” he said, scrolling through the copy on his laptop. “You only have one example of this phenomenon if we want to call it that and I honestly don’t think that TikTok is that important to the success of the song. In my professional career, we’ve seen plenty of songs do this. It’s nothing unusual.”

“But you’re missing the point,” Penny said, pushing back. “The whole idea is yes, this hasn’t happened before, but it’s the way forward. This is going to be the new version of Justin Bieber getting discovered on YouTube or Shawn Mendes on Vine.” She could feel herself getting angry and took a breath to calm herself. “You’re always telling us to be ahead of the story and that’s what I’m doing.”

“But this isn’t a story.”

Penny bit the inside of her cheek as she struggled to keep her cool. “OK, then, what do you suggest I do?”

Darren sighed. “Write it up like a regular chart recap and include a couple of lines about how it’s getting close to a record.”

“Because of TikTok?”

“No mention of TikTok. We don’t want to look like we don’t know what we’re talking about.”

“We have a chance to scoop Rolling Stone and Billboard and you’re just ignoring it.”

“Because it’s not a story. End of discussion. I’ve got a meeting to go to.”

Darren stood up and exited the office, leaving Penny stunned and furious. When she’d collected herself, she moved back to her desk in the newsroom. She spun around in her chair, any motivation to work gone.

Editors, specifically Skylar, were constantly telling them to push boundaries and find the stories no one was writing on yet. Unfortunately, they weren’t always on the same page, which led to a great deal of frustration when it came time to file a story. Penny could submit a story thinking it was Pullitzer-worthy, but be left questioning her entire life path after a single round of edits. Almost as if she could sense the tension brewing, Chloe poked her head over top of the divider that separated their desks.

“I think you need coffee. Or a pastry. Or lunch. Basically you just need to not be in this office right now, so we’re going for a walk.”

Penny begrudgingly grabbed her purse and ID and headed towards the exit, close behind Chloe, who was listing off restaurant options.

“Loqui,” Penny eventually said, stopping the list. “I’m in the mood for some spice.”

After walking a few blocks they found themselves at the restaurant, scanning the menu above the cash register. They ordered – a beef plate for Chloe and chicken plate for Penny – and had stood off to the side waiting for their respective numbers to be called, when they were interrupted.

“So we go years without seeing each other and then all of a sudden it’s three times in one week?” Tom called from behind a partition.

“Oh my God,” Penny said, laughing with actual mirth for the first time all day. “What are the odds?”

“Nice to see you again,” Chloe added.

“Are you all dining in?” Tom asked, eyes shifting between the two women.

“Yeah,” Chloe chimed in. “Needed to get out of the office for a little while.”

“I feel that,” Tom replied. “You’re welcome to join us.”

Penny looked at Chloe, who nodded her agreement. Neither woman asked who “us” was.

Their numbers were called and when they’d collected their food they slid into the booth, leaving space around the plate of veggie tacos that had been placed in front of an empty chair.

“How’s your week shaping up?” Chloe asked Tom.

He shrugged. “Mondays are always rough, but it’s all downhill from here.”

“What is management like? Do you have a routine?” Chloe continued. “Like with reporting, there’s a certain cadence with different deadlines and interviews. Is there a similar thing for you all?”

“Sort of. If we’re on tour a lot of people have a routine they like to stick to. When we’re in the office, it’s a little less structured. Depends on what each client is working on.”

Penny kept her eyes on her plate, her thoughts still focused on her earlier conversation with Darren. Eyes on the floor, she saw the white loafers and yellow socks before the face of the man they belonged to.

“You’re out to lunch with Tom?” Penny asked in disbelief when her eyes met Harry’s.

“Yeah. I didn’t think there’d be a problem with that,” he mumbled as he sat in front of the plate.

“I’m Chloe. I don’t think we’ve met,” Chloe interjected helpfully.

“Harry,” Harry returned, extending his hand.

Penny stared daggers at him, but Harry refused to look at her. Penny knew he was observing her though, feeling his eyes burning into her whenever she looked away. Neither of them spoke, leaving Tom and Chloe to fill the silence with banal conversation.

As they chattered on, Penny continued to feel the heat of Harry’s glare on her.

“Can I help you?” she finally snapped.

“What?” he shot back.

“If you have something to say, just fucking say it.”

“I’ve got nothing to say,” he said, spooning some mushrooms and peppers into his mouth.

“Really? Because it looks like you’ve got something on your mind.”

“OK, then,” Harry shot back, putting his spoon down next to his plate. “Why’d you give my album such a shit review?”

“Why do you care?”

“Because I do!”

“That’s a great argument,” Penny said, rolling her eyes.

“Well how about this,” Harry said, turning to face her. “I’m trying to figure out how someone who supposedly loves music and everything it stands for can be such a hater.”

“A hater?” Penny could feel the prickly sensation behind her eyes that meant tears were just moments away. “I’m sorry. The 90s called and they want their slang back.”

“Yeah, all of your reviews are just so…mean. It’s like you forget there’s someone behind that album.”

“Almost like forgetting there’s a person behind the review?”

“Don’t twist my words like that.”

“I’m not. I’m just saying it’s a two way street.”

“All you are is a second-rate journalist who isn’t good enough to work for a legitimate publication, so instead of saying things that actually matter, you just share your shitty takes to try to get Twitter clout.”

Penny could feel her lips tremble, but she was determined to not give Harry the satisfaction of seeing her cry. “You know, it’s generally frowned upon to harass a journalist in a public setting just because you don’t care for what they have to say.” She sniffed and much to her chagrin, she could feel her eyes getting wet. “But now you’ve got me crying in a restaurant so I hope you’re satisfied.” She grabbed her purse, leaving her food nearly untouched on the table. “I’ll see you back at the office, Chloe.”

Chloe and Tom’s eyes followed her as she walked out of the restaurant. Harry kept his eyes locked on his plate.

“I should probably check on her,” Chloe said after a moment.

“That might be for the best,” Tom said. “Let me grab a box. You can take her her food.”

Chloe picked up her own bag and leftovers, balancing them alongside Penny’s. “Wish this could have been longer but…” she trailed off as Tom nodded. She looked at Harry. “I’m not entirely sure what this is about but I’ve never met anyone who loves music more than Penny, so whatever assumptions you have about her, she’s not a ‘hater.’ She’s also not second-rate. She’s fucking brilliant, but maybe you’re just too dumb to see that.” She turned on her heel and walked out of the restaurant.

Harry picked up his spoon and started pushing the remaining vegetables and bits of tortilla around on his plate. The air was heavy with the unspoken questions on Tom’s tongue. “Go ahead and say it,” Harry said after a moment.

“Is there something going on with you?” Tom asked, point blank. “You’ve been kind of moody lately and I’m here if you want to talk.”

Harry looked up at him. “That wasn’t what I was expecting you to say.”

“Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m pissed that you yelled at my friend like that, but whatever issues you all have it’s not my business and I don’t want to get in the middle of it.”

“Sorry,” Harry said, a little more firmly. “I just – I haven’t been feeling great and I’m sure this is just a byproduct of whatever that is.”

“Studio stress?”

“Yeah, that,” Harry said, taking the out he was handed.

“Well, you can always talk to me, man. Just gotta let me know that something’s going on.”

Harry nodded and focused on finishing his lunch.

***

Back in the newsroom, Penny picked at the remnants of her lunch that Chloe had deposited on her desk, refreshing the feeds in her RSS reader while she waited on Darren’s edits. When he Slacked her that he was through, she opened the Google Doc to find that he had completely rewritten it. Ordinarily, she would have fought back, challenging him on everything down to the placement of commas, but she felt too drained after her earlier bout with him and the subsequent battle with Harry.

She signed off on the two rounds of edits as quickly as she could and returned to refreshing her browser.

“Are you ready to talk?” Chloe asked, poking her head over the frosted glass between them.

Penny shrugged. “Not much to discuss. I suck at doing my job. Darren agrees! Harry agrees! So does Walt from who the hell knows! I should just quit while I’m ahead.”

“I’m sorry,” Chloe said. “Who is Walt and how does he factor into this equation?”

“Just some jerk on Twitter who also thinks I can’t write for shit.”

“Fifteen minutes,” Chloe said. “That’s how much time you have left to wallow. After that, you have to get up, look in the mirror, and realize that you are a bad bitch who deserves this job more than anyone.”

“I deserve twenty minutes,” Penny shot back. “But thank you for the words of encouragement. I know I just need to move on, but it’s hard to do that when it feels like this happens every fucking day just because Darren thinks I’m an idiot.”

“I know, Pen, but you just have to hang in there.” Chloe looked around before leaning in closer. “I heard a rumor that Darren’s days are numbered so things may be looking up for you.”

“Seriously?” The long running joke of the newsroom was that Darren had witnessed the CEO of the company hit someone with his car and that’s how he managed to land the job and stay gainfully employed for as long as he had.

“You didn’t hear it from me,” Chloe said, sinking back into her desk chair.

On slow days like this one, Penny typically filled her afternoon with source calls and research for future stories but with her motivation subzero, she made her way to the parking garage at 5pm on the dot, ready for a night of wine, takeout, and Friends reruns.

When she reached her car, she was surprised to find Tom there.

“Hey…” she said slowly.

“Hey, I didn’t want to miss you.”

“Should I be worried?” she asked jokingly. “I run into you after years of silence and a week later you’re waiting for me at my car?”

“I promise I’m not following you,” Tom said with a laugh. “I just had to tell you…I know this means nothing coming from me, but Harry isn’t usually like that.”

Penny sighed. “I don’t care, Tom. It’s been a day and I’d rather just move on to prepare for tomorrow’s battles.”

“I know, but it’s important to me that you know the truth.”

“Trying to make sure I don’t start a nasty rumor about your client?”

“No, just trying to make sure you don’t have the wrong idea about a great guy.”

“Great guy?” Penny’s mouth hung open in disbelief. “Are you trying to set me up with him now? Because I’m not interested.”

“No,” Tom huffed, rolling his eyes. “Although there could be something there…”

“Nope, not happening,” Penny said.

“Seriously,” Tom said, the earnestness returning to his eyes. “Harry’s a good guy and I think under the right circumstances you all would actually get along.”

“Tom, even if we were the last people on Earth tasked with repopulating the planet, I’d rather let the human race go extinct than willingly spend time with Harry Styles.”

“Wow, that’s uh, harsh and vivid,” Tom said, scratching the back of his neck. “You just need to understand that he’s under a lot of pressure with the new album.”

“New album?” That caught Penny’s attention.

“Shit!” Tom exclaimed, realizing the magnitude of what he’d shared. “That’s entirely off the record. I’m serious, Pen!”

“Woodward and Bernstein had Deep Throat telling them government secrets in a garage, and I have Tom Skoglund blabbing album releases next to my decrepit Toyota…does this mean my Pulitzer is on the way.”

“I mean it, Penny. I could get in a lot of trouble.”

“It’s fine, Tom. I’m not going to tell anyone. I’ll see you later.”

Tom nodded and headed back to the Full Stop office as Penny climbed into her car and pulled out of the garage.

Later that night after two glasses of wine and about 10 episodes of Friends, Penny decided to sign into her work email. She told herself that she wouldn’t check work emails off the clock, but she always gave into the temptation. She scrolled past the usual news alerts and reader feedback until one subject line stopped her cold.

“An Apology.”

She opened it before she realized what she was doing.

Hi Penny, the email began

It’s Harry. I’d like to apologize for the way I acted at Tom’s party the other night, as well as what I said in the restaurant earlier today. You’re right – it was entirely inappropriate for me to behave that way, and I’m sincerely sorry for any hurt or hard feelings that may have come about on your end as a result.

I just wanted to get this off my chest and conscience.

Hope your evening is treating you well.

All the best,

Harry

Penny was speechless, staring at her phone as Ross Geller’s cries of “We were on a break!” and the subsequent laugh track echoed in her empty apartment.

Harry had apologized.

When she recovered, her first instinct was to text Tom, attaching a screenshot of the email.

Did you put him up to this? she asked.

No, came Tom’s swift reply. See what I mean though? Not a bad guy.

Penny reread the email once, twice, three times, taking in the way he’d introduced himself, but left off his last name. The way his writing was devoid of exclamation points. The effort finding her address and sending the email entailed.

She doubted he’d got it from Tom, seeing as Tom had no clue about the message, which meant he’d either pulled it from The Moment’s website or her Twitter bio. Either option meant he’d taken the time to look her up, typing her name into the search bar to find her profile. Knowing that Harry had searched for her specifically made her feel some type of way. She wasn’t sure what.

She didn’t like Harry Styles, but maybe he wasn’t as horrible as she thought.

***

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[dany36]

some more commentary from the FFCC remastered edition OST booklet, including some words from Donna Burke! just love reading how much this game's music means to the people involved with breathing it to life. but most importantly, i wanted to include Ryoma Araki's comments since all of it rang true, especially this part:

The period instruments used in the score breathe life into the world, and the game wouldn't be the same without them. To my knowledge, no other title has put such instruments front and center before or since, or elevated game music like this one has.

full transcript for the images above found after the jump :)

Commentary from Ryoma Araki (game director):

To this day, the soundtrack of FINAL FANTASY CRYSTAL CHRONICLES holds special memories for many people. The period instruments used in the score breathe life into the world, and the game wouldn't be the same without them. To my knowledge, no other title has put such instruments front and center before or since, or elevated game music like this one has. When this remaster project began, we were adamant that the game mustn't lose that identity. Initially we aimed to keep the music exactly as it was when the game first released, but Hidenori Iwasaki is a stickler for quality and pushed us to include the original music and the retouched versions -- now both are available in the game. The new songs and rerecorded vocals are of the highest caliber. In our eyes, there was no room for compromise. Without a shadow of a doubt, this album is the collective work of the best music specialists I've had the pleasure of working with.

Commentary from Yae (Vocals, Storytelling Narration):

Hello, I'm Yae. I did the vocals for "Morning Sky" and "Moonless Starry Night," as well as the narration in the main game. The main themes "Morning Sky" and "Moonless Starry Night" are infused with musical influences from around the world that create beautiful and magnificent melodies. The remaster features new records, and I was honored to be a part of them. I've grown as a person since the game's original release, and I hope people can discern the added maturity in my singing voice. I sang with heartfelt love and emotion, and I hope that this journey of adventure gives players the courage they need to overcome even the most difficult of times.

Commentary from Donna Burke (Vocals, Storytelling Narration, Lyrics Translation):

Words cannot express how grateful I am that FFCC has been remastered and released for a whole new generation of gamers. Back in 2003 it was thrilling to be asked to sing, adapt lyrics and narrate for a FF game and I am so proud to be a part of the Final Fantasy world. I love singing "Moonless Starry Night" and "Morning Sky" at my concerts. The songs are filled with longing and emotion and I wish you all love and joy as you play this game and listen to the new updated recordings.

Commentary from Masahiro Kataoka (Studio R.E.E.L.) / Lyrics

Since FINAL FANTASY CRYSTAL CHRONICLES was made, right up to today, I've felt that the memories of our journeys should be held in high esteem. This is because our journeys are spun of a story that's one-of-a-kind, utterly irreplaceable. Every player who traversed the world of FINAL FANTASY CRYSTAL CHRONICLES holds their own personal memories of the journey. Memories of the many towns, forests, and mountains. Memories spanning over many years of adventure. Those cherished moments transformed into light, and then hope, and traveled here, to now, to the future! Now the stage is set for those travelers to create new memories that spin new tales, cast new rays of light that live on in their hearts. I'd be delighted if the hope for the future that shines in these stories inspires the same in every player.

[penelopecruzcoded]

we're finally onto crystal castles and it's unearthing so many buried memories. i found crimewave on somebody's blog or myspace or something i no longer remember, and i instantly knew i was hearing some kind of movement i had never heard before, an entirely new kind of music, those bouncy, springy 8-bit beats that were so new back then, when people were still beginning to experiment with that whole sound, and my small teenage mind was getting blown. one of those bands who, not only did i love absolutely everything they put out, but their art informed my art deeply and on a very foundational level. by the time II came out i was in university, and it was the soundtrack to my days there. the cover art, that kid who stands by the graveyard. a relative found that album in my belongings and pointed to the picture: "i thought that was you." i started seeing myself as the kid on that album cover. my first year at csm my big final end-of-year foundational project involved a stop-motion movie starring a cut out of alice glass (i cut her out from magazine covers and editorials i collected). i cast her as an alice in a dystopic alice in wonderland, where she travels down a rabbit hole and the people in wonderland end up lobotomizing her, and then she turns into a doll. so much in that one piece that speaks to me now, that i understand as a silent transmutation of my own suffering. you never understand your own art until years later. even crazier still, as i cast alice as a vehicle for my own suffering i had absolutely no clue what she was going through, suffering a parallel hell, which is another mindblowing parallel i still can't manage to pick apart. i idolized her and wanted to be like her, i romanticized her and ethan's relationship: the coolest couple out there making music. so much you never learn until later.

i burned that short i made onto a CD and so desperately wanted to hand it over to alice herself when CC came to london to play a show, but anxiety took over as usually and i never did end up going to the show, nevermind giving them the CD. i don't think i will ever stop listening to them, even though the devastating information alice came out with later could never be unlearned either. i can't unlearn it and i don't want to, as ethan has taken on the shape of a very familiar abusive entity. i absolutely know what alice told was the truth (and she was of course branded a liar buy the ethan fangirls, of course, lol) and i believe her. unfortunate that we'd end up crossing paths on twitter when she accused somebody i love of abuse (not ethan), in a way that was untrue and jumping to conclusions and triggered reactions based off the past and then i had to go and argue her in her mentions. wild lol. that's my whole CC story thus far, i did see the new girl ethan seemed to replace alice with, a carbon copy it seemed in looks albeit much younger and similarly i guess easy to manipulate person due to the age gap. it's sad. i haven't listened to amnesty and truthfully i have no interest in a post-alice CC, because while ethan was the beats, alice was the beating heart of it all, and without her, there is no CC.

i'll always love and cherish the music that came, the tracks i grew up with, and holding all those complicated thoughts and feelings together and at once is just what life is like, and art is like. if i could mourn for my former self, i would, because i feel like it. hold a small funeral for her because she is no more, but because i do love who she used to be and how hard she tried to go on in spite of everything. i used to look up to alice for being the epitome of cool in music, from her clothes to her hair to the way she didn't seem to give a fuck what anybody else was doing, i thought of us like kindred spirits. but if there's anything i share in common with alice now, it's probably that we are both survivors. life put us through the grinder and spat us back out and we're still here, carrying on. and there's some kind of pride to be had for that, is my take away as i sit here and listen to Empathy. we should pride our ability to survive, maybe not unscathed, maybe not undamaged, but still here, still breathing. crawling if we have to sometimes, covered in sludge, existing in the swamps because toxicity became our only friend, until we are better enough that breathing purer air won't kill us. until we can walk again. survivors have this. every single one of us who has survived something, we have this instinct, even if hitting the self-destruct button felt tempting at many, many turns, we keep on going. i will keep on going. and i will thrive.

[cosmicanger]

❍

❍ It’s still white supremacy if the c*ps were Black

❍ “Black people: don’t kill us

America: but the snuff film ratings are incredible”

❍ “The fact that the officers in Memphis were Black is further evidence of systemic racism not counter evidence to it. If you don't understand this statement please take a sociology class.”

❍ “Why do we have to keep fucking dying for people to listen , if only temporarily”

❍ “I don't understand how you can, almost 11 years after Trayvon Martin, still be the sort of person calling for more p*lice-reform efforts like body-cameras. These guys did this to Tyre Nichols with all the cameras rolling.”

❍ “Why are people even watching the the video... it's literally snuff”

❍ “If you think the Memphis p*lice officers had to be white in order to exhibit anti-Blackness, you need to take that AP African American Studies course Ron DeSantis just banned.”

❍ “Seems like the real solution to all this is: more training for p*lice; more body cameras; more community policing programs; more black officers who are blacker than the black officers who preceded them; more thoughts and prayers; more "peaceful" protest; and more consent decrees.” We should also consider: More black p*lice chiefs; more black prosecutors; more black city council members; more black mayors; more white allies; more op-ed pieces about "The Talk"; ... and a few more black people dying on camera for people to really get the scale of the problem”

❍ “I can’t believe folks are still talking about modifying p*lice weaponry as a solution when cops murdered George Floyd & Tyre Nichols with their bare hands.”

❍ “In an interview, I was asked about the #TyreNichols situation. I said it was a result of white supremacy. The host's response was "But the c*ps are Black". I replied, "guardians of the white power structure come in all shades". No complexion is required for oppression.”

❍ “Any Black person who has ever encountered Black c*ps could have told you that the representation angle was nonsense to begin with”

❍ “Can irl otg organisers just get off Twitter then like why are you here if you’re so busy off doing the important things than us chronically online people, does punching down just give you stress relief from working with those poor people all day or”

❍ “You don’t have to be white to uphold systems of white supremacism. You don’t have to be white to be be anti-Black. You don’t have to be a white male to practice p*lice terrorism in the United States.”

❍ “not watching no more black death rolled out like a new album drop. not watching 1619 project. not watching no more black panther films. all serve the same function. there is no wakanda, there’s only africa. it’s hostage state is why we keep getting casted in this same role”

❍ “N*gga could work at the post office, sanitation department, water department, desk job downtown, etc. But choose to be c*ps.”

❍ In response to this (“I remember the Rodney King assault. I remember how many of us thought the footage would change everything, Finally there was “proof”. Now there’s footage everyday of p*lice brutalizing us. This footage is in HD & often comes from the p*lice. Nothing changes.“) — “Things change. They’ve changed for the worse. We watched that grainy footage of Rodney King being beaten. We’re watching c*ps beat, taser, choke, shoot, and take a knee on folks throats until they are DEAD. We are seeing police with bigger budgets, and bigger military grade guns.”

❍ “I don’t have to see “it” to feel it. That’s one of the results of being terrorized by the p*lice. The reins of terror are tattooed into our memories. We can simply say names and rewind time and re-live lynchings at the hands, feet, knees, fist, guns, and tasers of the p*lic*.”

❍ “"The city of Birmingham has been under siege from OUTSIDE AGITATORS led by Martin Luther King.”–Bull Connor (1963)

“We have never had a problem in the South except in a few very isolated instances and these have been the result of OUTSIDE AGITATORS.”–George Wallace (1964)

2023: “@NYCMayor warns against "outside agitators" coming into the city to disrupt protests, citing intel from across the country and sensitive "classified" information he declined to go into further detail on.”

❍ “all of the reforms failed at the same damn time - black c*ps, body cameras, multiple c*ps on the scene, tasers instead of guns- so how is more reform the answer? #Blacker c*ps? Even non-deadlier non deadly weapons? ten c*ps instead of five? HD body cameras? harder convictions?”

❍ “P*lic* will really brutalize and kill people. Then get mad when others are upset at what they did. So they attack the people who are upset and then politicians give them even more money and weaponry to keep doing it. What a world.”

❍ “body cameras might be the biggest scam c*ps ever pulled off”

❍ “i don't know who needs to hear this but c*ps were brutalizing and killing black people before they had qualified immunity. why do you think King said, ""We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality" in 1963?”

[blysse-and-blunder]

I posted 6,790 times in 2022

That's 346 more posts than 2021!

58 posts created (1%)

6,732 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@leitharstjarna

@masteroffoolhardyplans

@knifepadme

@fade-steppin

@dying-suffering-french-stalkers

I tagged 2,104 of my posts in 2022

#the untamed - 287 posts

#art - 204 posts

#cql - 179 posts

#the untamed fanart - 165 posts

#mdzs - 87 posts

#goncharov - 86 posts

#the goncharoverse - 74 posts

#unreality cw - 63 posts

#postry - 53 posts

#ilcb - 47 posts

Longest Tag: 129 characters

#‘you’re right i did need to see that’ ‘if you share the link i can watch from here!’ ‘i missed this but that’s so cool thank you’

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

in lieu of a moon cake

aug 29 - sept 11, 2022

where have the ilcb posts been the last four weeks, i hear you cry? well genuinely, the end of summer took me and i wandered out of time and thought. did watch the moon rise rich and golden last night, though, so--on balance--we're doing just fine.

reading finished my ancillary justice re-read this morning and i got so much more out of it the second time, newly attuned to the little differences between this and all the other space opera i've been enjoying. also finished obernewtyn (isobel carmodie), one of the growing list of YA sci/fantasy i'm catching up on using libby. spent a lot of last week reading or what you will, jo walton, which i think i will have more to say about when i finish it, and listening to ann leckie's the raven tower as an audiobook on various commutes-- perhaps not the best medium for it, but the reader's absolutely eating the accent work which does liven things up. i also acquired a romance novel from @dimir-charmer which is Certainly Something, not quite up to the level of some of the classics @pandolfo-malatesta would review but which has made me say out loud 'stop using that word, i do not think it means what you think it means!' every time this poor author tries to call someone 'contemporaries.'

listening so i know we all remember (for better or worse) passenger's 'let her go' from 2013 or whenever, but i have very specific tender feelings and memories attached to that whole album. a recent re-listen, followed by a tour through his recent, extensive new discography (like five albums since i last checked, holy shit), has shown me that i'm not even remotely capable of being objective, but i do think? that none of the new stuff has grabbed me? like it all sounds consistent, it all sounds, uh, the same, and the nuances and things i can pick out in the tracks from all the little lights (2012) or hell even whisper (2014) are just...not discernible (is this just a question of production)(possibly). to quote one of the new songs, uh, it leaves me cold? whereas 'feather on clyde' is still revealing and teaching me new things to get teary-eyed about (this time it was the line 'well god knows that i've failed, but he knows that i've tried'), and just...plus the string duet at the opening of 'things that stop you dreaming,' the way it builds up so, so sweetly, the lyrics taking you by surprise by leaving no breaks or breaths until the chorus, playing with pace and rhythm--still not tired of it.

watching i spent most of last week cycling between 'sandman', 'doulou continent', and 'oath of love', with a brief detour to the mdzs donghua with @hematiterings as per us-- sandman is good, though i haven't finished it. i got to the death episode and did briefly cry actual human tears about the old violinist and the young honeymooners, only to have the rest of the episode with its chronological humor (reminding me of ep 3 of 'good omens', what with the 'let's put our cast in several different centuries and enjoy what that does to their hair', thank you neilman) give me slight emotional whiplash. the problem with my cdrama habit is that, especially with duolou continent, i've had a hard time believing i've seen as many episodes as i actually have (also viki is...incapable of keeping my place) so i tend to back up to whichever episode number sort of feels right? which means i've seen episodes 11-15 like three times each. at least now i'm getting people's names.

playing finished up summer and fall of year two in stardew, won the grange fair and the ice fishing contest now that it's winter, and just bought a duck! (her name is fern)

making i think the garden is fading, we're still harvesting tomatoes but a lot of the leaves have turned yellow and crinkly, meanwhile the squash (?) vines have all withered except for one, perplexingly round little green squash (?) with a few nibbles out of it courtesy of the neighborhood fauna. when do i pluck it? is it still...getting anything out of being on its vine?

working on *cue panicked laughter* chapter 1! also that presentation / conference paper based on chapter-1-or-possibly-the-old-book-practicum! also that presentation based on chapter-2-or-possibly-chapters-1-and-2-OR-possibly-the-diss-proposal! with all the complaining i've done to various friends and colleagues, its no wonder there's not been any. further writing. distracting myself by insisting on doing things for the incoming students, which has been very fun and diverting since they are cute and much easier to help.

20 notes - Posted September 11, 2022

#4

in lieu of a break

10pm, sept 25, 2022

the title is a lie, today and yesterday have both been breaks in their own ways! but the days do start coming and they really don't stop coming, do they. kay @girlfriendsofthegalaxy did a really nice couple of posts not long ago explaining the Theory of her tuesdayposts, to which i have only to add that-- i think for me these are turning into a steam valve, where i let out whatever is happening in my head that has built up over the past little while; they are analytical or creative endeavors in their own way, sometimes, but i mainly write them for myself and my own recall (so that i can go back and check out what i wrote about first watching the untamed, for example, please see iclb 2 or 3 from way back), and to keep track of my days. which is going to mean they aren't Reviews or really Criticism, though i may dabble in both, and any enjoyment or enlightenment anyone else gets out of reading these is incidental. for this one, it's a real head empty no thoughts list of titles, so hold on to your butts let's go.

reading the big mention here is that i just finished susanna clarke's piranesi, which i didn't know how to feel about until like 30% of the way in, and then began to enjoy quite a bit as the whole conceit became clearer, and then found...melancholy but beautiful by the end. honorable mentions over the past mumblemumble weeks to (checks storygraph): squire by tamora pierce (reread), ancillary justice by ann leckie (also a reread); the raven tower (not a reread, also by ann leckie--though i still haven't finished it); and the duchess romance which i did finish mostly out of morbid curiosity.

watching strangely this will be the largest section for once! the escapism has been strong lately-- and there have been many excellent movie and tv show friendship opportunities. in reverse order, i have now seen two episodes of the new netflix bee and puppycat and find it delightful if inscrutable; i have now seen two episodes of the second season of fate: a winx saga also on netflix which i found less delightful, even more inscrutable (since i hadn't seen the first season or the previous show, lmao) but extremely funny to watch alongside more deeply invested jammies; i have now seen the first three episodes of andor and found diego luna as charming as ever; i have now seen the prestige (2006) and it did lodge in my brain in the way only very rare movies do; i have now seen the newest three (?) episodes of star trek: lower decks and did think the most recent one with the recruiting booth and the rutherford memories plotline to be incredible star trek and some of the best lower deck stuff yet; i did make my housemates watch a double-feature of the princess diaries (2001) and the princess diaries 2: royal engagement (2004), which were extremely fun and also wild opportunities for early- oughts media criticism and an in-depth examination of the portrayal of hereditary monarchy (and on the heels of qe 2's death, no less);

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20 notes - Posted September 25, 2022

#3

In lieu of a commonplace book: summer nights

begun 9pm, monday, july 25, 2022 continued 11pm, monday, august 1

this post is like a week overdue, and has been tricky to write because i've had such high hopes for it. because this post? full of things that sparked joy. so i want to do them justice! finally finished a bunch of books, finally started listening to some new music which has been so good for my mood; it's felt like (last week and this weekend in particular) there's been novelty and enrichment in my enclosure. wrote my way into something i think i can now be happy with, at least; it's long, but it's true, and i can be grateful for the small victories.

reading i want to commemorate the fact that, somehow, i ended up finishing hilary mantel's the mirror and the light on the exact day, july 28, that it ends-- *spoilers* the anniversary of cromwell's death *spoilers*-- which given that i probably started reading it like 18 months ago at this point, feels absolutely fated. also if you're laughing at the fact that i felt the need to spoiler that, just know that i didn't know he died at the end. also, didn't know his involvement in the anne of cleves marriage! also didn't quite know political the kathryn howard marriage was-- but of course it must have been, had to have been. the last, oh, maybe 100 pages of this book, where it all starts to unravel, were the most engaging of the whole thing. i think the goal for the book, the intended tone, was this slowly mounting sense of melancholy, or of fatigue, of things falling apart, but it didn't translate to suspense or tension or uhhh pathos for me, except for maybe a few brief chunks in the last five pages that were then overwritten by how...tacky the last few lines were? i wish i could say that my feelings upon finishing this book were more than just, well thank goodness that's over. i think this one was a victim of its predecessors' success, in the sense that-- it took what i liked or what worked from the first two, and overdid it.

in contrast, and what an interesting world it is that i ended up getting to read these two in conversation, my loan for victoria goddard's the hands of the emperor came in on july 18 and, despite being actually longer than mirror and the light i have already finished it, and in fact started it over again from the beginning immediately. it...stunned me a little to think about the broad similarities between these two, but think about it: two main characters who are, essentially, self-made men who worked in and through governmental policies to change the world on behalf of a monarch ruling with the force of state and church and tradition, whose succession is a Big Issue and whose temperament, for better or worse, makes all the difference. i wouldn't say that's necessarily what hote is actually *about*, but putting it out like that was a fun thought-experiment.

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22 notes - Posted August 2, 2022

#2

in lieu of a commonplace book has fans??

8 pm, july 11, 2022

wow y'all . in the last week i've been tagged in three (three? 3!!) other weekly roundup post from... loyal readers, what the fuck. friends!! first, i love that this series has been entertaining for literally anyone apart from its intended audience (i.e. future me). indescribable feeling. second, feeling flattered but dismayed by the folks who say they have never liked or commented on an ilcb post, but have apparently been reading them this whole time. wild. i had...no idea. you are all hereby empowered to engage, if you'd like (which i'd like!), and i'll do the same on yours! i love this for you guys. please revel in all the things you like and the delights that are you.

now, this post is delayed (again), because as much as i like to have them published on weekends, weekends are also where i tend to get the material i talk about. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ read on for some discussion of stranger things s4 episodes 1-5, and an extremely goofy medieval-renaissance video game. mild spoilers for the lloyd alexander novel the black cauldron.

reading i finished lloyd alexander's the black cauldron after having lingered on the last 3 pages for like....multiple weeks. (i thought there was more to go, but it turned out the last few pages were a preview of the last book.) i know a lot of people in welsh / celtic studies have nostalgia for these books but at the same time may or may not actually like them, because of the way they play with characters or lore from the Four Branches. personally i'm kind of into it? i didn't read them as a kid, so i don't have nostalgia per se-- i'm into the fact that i can recognize things, tone or theme as much as substance, and that i can imagine reading this aloud and enjoying the pronunciations and inspiring whatever children might be listening. also, the change from the first book to this one, and the changes made between this book and the movie, made me really enjoy this book. i liked adaon, and i was okay with the presence of ellidyr (he's very consistent with the spirit of efnysien, if not the reality, which could also be said about most of the book). i was...almost ecstatic about the way it wasn't gurgi, in the end, it just made so much more sense this way. this falls into the same category of reading YA fantasy i missed as a kid, initiated by the dianna wynne jones books and alison croggon's books of pellinor last year, and contrasts interestingly with the tamora pierce reread i've been doing.

listening a weird mashup of the a short hike soundtrack and the reddit manwhore playlist , because work and focus has continued to be. weird and challenging. the video game 'energizing but also focus' music is usually helpful but i nearly dozed off at my desk yesterday. still, i like that i've discovered a new game ost (owlboy) which is a lot of fun. do i know anything about the game? no! i'll have to investigate it.

watching episodes 1-5 of stranger things season 4. i'm not...having as much fun with this season as i remember having with season 3? it's something about how spread out and disconnected the cast are (they split the party ☹️) and partly also, that... as the kids have grown up, the differences in acting skill level have become more obvious. i just...have so much more fun watching joe keery and sadie sink and millie bobbie brown do their things, than i do the rest of them? the fact that david harbour basically doesn't get to speak for these whole first five episodes (plus the fact that his whole story line is just not that interesting?) feels like such a waste. a lot of what they give joyce and robin to say also feel like a waste? murray is fun but like...he's light comic relief now. what happened. the first episode of this season felt like it had a coherent vision with the dnd / hellfire stuff, but it's diffused a lot at this point. though i do giggle like a maniac when they so earnestly name-drop vecna-- having listened to crit role campaign one, i go 'oh hey i know him!' every time. i guess the thing for me is, i've always come to this show for the way it imitates and references horror/80s thrillers/etc, for the loving callbacks, more than these things themselves. i don't want or need it to be like. actually these things. and the more it tries to be, the less fun i have?

See the full post

25 notes - Posted July 12, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

My dash did a thing I thought amusing

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[martritzvonmercie]

HELLO i was tagged by rumi my friend rumi @ultimaid AND trix my friend trix @gh0str3c0rd3r for ten songs i have been listening to recently! (ok but just in advance you can't make fun of me for my lame ass music OKAY peace and love on planet earth)

SO IF YOU REMEMBER POPPY (she got really popular for her really strange youtube videos a very long time ago) she is actually one of my FAVORITE music artists EVER and this is her newest song!!! her music style is really unique and cool KINDA weirdly halfway between pop and metal IT'S SO COOL i'll actually PROBABLY bring her up again on this post tbh but!!!! YEAH LISTEN TO CHURCH OUTFIT and her new song that's coming out next week!!

so i've actually really really loved prince since middle school and i've been relistening to a lot of the songs i liked back then lately and this has to be ONE OF MY FAVORITES... it's not a very popular one but the lyrics FUCK SEVERELY imo, i'm a huge fan of "if i was your one and only friend, would you run to me if somebody hurt you, even if that somebody was me?"

this song is like. it may be my actual favorite piece of sapphic music EVER i love the lyrics, i love the vibes, it fits sosososo many ships and i literally listen to it SOOOO much, ask me what songs i've been listening to at any given time and this will be ON THE LIST

ALSO ONE OF MY FAVORITE SAPPHIC SONGS EVER AND WITH SUMMER COMING UP I HAVE HAD IT ON REPEAT!!!! perfect for summer, perfect for lesbians, perfect for me, a lesbian who has been calling it "hot girl summer" for weeks now (even tho it's april)

ANOTHER POPPY SONG okay so i LOVE her whole am i a girl? album SO MUCH but this is my favorite song off of it and one of the ones i listen to on repeat the most SO I TOTALLY RECOMMEND bc the lyrics and style are just SO COOL but also go listen to the whole album and i will love you forever

i honestly just listened to this recently bc i randomly remembered the nostalgia so i wouldn't necesssarily Recommend It if it doesn't give you fond memories of being in fifth grade like it does to me BUT to this day it's just super cute and super mecore

TO MAKE A VERY LONG ERA OF MY LIFE SHORT basically i had this like. CRAZY michael jackson hyperfixation in middle school. and i have obviously grown out of it BUT this is still one of my favorite songs ever and is still one i listen to all the time. the lyrics are simple but they scratch an itch in my brain and it's really beautiful. I WILL ACTUALLY also put the youtube link for this one bc the version on the michael album was released posthumously and i really think the overproduction takes away from what makes the song so beautiful. SO I RECOMMEND THE ORIGINAL INSTEAD (i love you sven nelson channel with all the rare demos and original versions of michael's stuff)

OK SORRY FOR PUTTING POPPY AGAIN BUT I COULDN'T NOT PUT THIS ONE even tho it's her most mainstream song it's also by far my most looped one bc IT'S JUST SO FUN and upbeat and nice to listen to, it was my top song in 2022 and i still loop it all the time!!! definitely give it a listen (BUT ALSO CHECK OUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM BC YOU HAVE PROBABLY HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE BUT REALLY THE REST OF THE ALBUM IS SO GOOD AND A LOT OF THE OTHER SONGS ARE A LOT MORE UNIQUE STYLISTICALLY AND LYRICALLY)

I'M SORRY FOR INCLUDING GLEE I'M SORRY I SWEAR IT'S JUST THE ONE bc this is like. my favorite glee song EVER. brittana literally made me who i am today when i was a confused queer middle schooler who wasn't allowed to have access to most queer media SO THIS SONG IS VERY SPECIAL TO ME OKAY and listening to it on repeat for hours is an ultimate therapeutic experience so i've highkey been doing it nonstop recently

janet jackson is so cool i'd actually marry her. anyways i have had this song on loop and have listened to it at least 50 times in the last week.... IT FUCKS SO SEVERELY songs i could sing sosososo loud word for word

I AM BLANKING ON WHO I COULD TAG BC THIS ALREADY WENT AROUND MY MUTUAL CIRCLES but if you want to do it then YOU SHOULD thumbs up

[vivo0805]

[TRANS] 230328 Kwon Yuri Star News Interview (Part 2)

Jung Ilwoo, from <Bossam> to <Good Job>.. Now the sense of comradeship is developed.

The ENA drama <Good Job> is a heroic-romantic investigative drama involving a man and woman with special abilities: a conglomerate detective and a job seeker with super vision. <Good Job>, the follow-up drama to <Extraordinary Attorney Woo>, broke through the pressure and recorded the highest viewership rating of 3.1%, showing a heated response. Above all, the most talked about was the title of the drama. Just like how it being revealed in the release press conference, the title <Good Job> drew attention as it was known as Kwon Yuri's idea.

According to Kwon Yuri, "This was also my first experience with it. I didn't approach it with the intention of renaming the drama. I had a lot of experience releasing albums as part of Girls' Generation. I have done a lot of work where the story is vividly remembered with just one photo and one title, so I wanted (the title of) our drama to have a strong emotional impact," She stated. "I considered it from the perspective of the viewer, and I believe I listed 25 titles while speaking with the management team. The work was a lot of fun. I also spoke with Jung Ilwoo, the director, and the writer. I believe the production team listened with an open mind." she elaborated.

As a result, she poured a great deal of affection into <Good Job>, particularly for the role of Don Sera. Don Sera possesses superhuman vision and is a 'professional any job catcher' who is willing to accept any job offer that comes her way. Due to a series of events, she becomes involved with Eun Seonwoo (Jung Ilwoo) and embarks on a tumultuous romance. According to Kwon Yuri, "It was fascinating to meet a character who possesses supernatural abilities. Using supernatural powers to help someone in reality was progressive and cool. The character changes in every episode. This is actually an actor's fantasy and dream. It was also the reason why I wanted to be an actor. So it was attractive."

In the drama, Don Sera tries to do her job perfectly, but gives a laugh with her sloppy side. This kind of appearance seemed to be very similar to Kwon Yuri in personality. She stated, "I am extremely grateful that you saw me in that light. When I play a character, I take what's inside me and use it, as all actors do. So it's possible they felt that way. When my coworkers see my usual appearance, they usually tell me, 'Use this when acting.'. I think that’s why I gave the impression that the synchronization rate (between Yuri and Don Sera) is high, making Don Sera and I appear well-matched."

The meeting of Jung Ilwoo and Kwon Yuri is the most unique aspect of <Good Job>. The two had previously collaborated in the MBN drama Bossam> and met again in the drama <Good Job>. There were obvious concerns surrounding them at the time of the initial casting confirmation, but the two demonstrated a new affinity through flawless collaboration. It received such a positive response that some speculated, "The 'Bossam' couple was reincarnated". Jung Ilwoo had previously expressed similar concerns, but he later admitted, "(The role) has a different social status than the previous one, and the new character is a conglomerate and a detective rather than a troublemaker. I assumed that the resolution of the romance that I could depict would be significantly different."

Kwon Yuri also said, "Honestly, I had some concerns regarding the casting. There were many people who thought well of <Bossam>, so I wondered what I should do if the good memories fade because I don't do well (in <Good Job>)? But come to think of it, among the dramas I enjoyed watching, there were seniors who had partnerships several times. Like actors Jisung and Hwang Jungeum, for example. I opened my heart because I expected such a path to exist," she stated. "I really wanted to do well after listening to my co-actors and directors who believed in what Don Sera had. Also, because we had previously worked together, I believe I could act comfortably," she recalled the filming location at the time.

“After working on a project together, the depth of the relation changes. Especially in historical dramas. I (with Jung Il-woo) developed a combat power and comradeship. So it felt like we had a really different and meaningful chemistry. It's really easy and happy to do a new work with a colleague who has this mindset. It was easy because we understood each other a lot"

Not only Jung Ilwoo but also Kwon Yuri had action scenes in Good Job. Especially in the final episode, when Don Sera is kidnapped violently. "There were so many male actors, and (Jung) Ilwoo is good at action (scenes)," Kwon Yuri said. I simply did everything as I was instructed. The kidnapping scene was horrifying and terrifying, but it all worked out thanks to the skilled method. Ilwoo and I talked a lot on the phone, but instead of saying "Hi," we said "So regarding this scene..." as soon as we answered the phone and talked about acting.

Original source :

Interview by Ahn Yoonji reporter from Star News (Link to the original interview is available below)

[akhenaten-imhotep]

Song inspirations

// So recently I’ve been listening to Kawir’s “Medea” from the album “Adrasteia”, which is a concept album about the greek personification of female revenge (Adrasteia being one of the facets of Nemesis.)

The track in question tells Euripide’s version of Medea’s tale. An english translation from the original modern greek by Dr. Ioulia Kolovou is below.

Link to the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNwd6aLHutY

So thanks to this song, a plotbunny has been hopping inside my head lately. I have been wondering how I could adapt this song to Akhenaten’s backstory. Now, it would be quite metaphorical thanks to her being a 40k OC. Dunno yet if this lore is temporary, but here it is. I am open to suggestions on how to improve it.

Analysis is under the cut for lenght and triggering content; ie. child murder and suicide-by-proxy.

(Image to not die ignored XD)

---

“Medea”

Medea, the daughter of Aietes, who cut up Apsyrtos And scattered his parts in the Black Sea Medea the witch, Medea, fratricide, poisoner. Medea abominable, Medea sorceress, Medea the enchantress, Medea of the black soul. The daughter of Hecate, in a dank cave In a distant land was joined in matrimony to the conceited Jason In Corinth she was crowned queen with a crown of blood. She gave Glauce gifts of death; she wiped out Mermeros and Pheres She who gifted them life, grants death as her final gift She cuts out their lives with a blood-dripping hand, tainting the fruit of her womb. Justice does not dwell in the eyes of mortals without you knowing what they are hiding in their hearts. You hate them at first sight even if they haven’t done you any wrong. Monstrous Medea, Medea the witch, Medea the enchantress, Medea of the black soul, Medea Murderess.

----

Medea, the daughter of Aietes, who cut up Apsyrtos And scattered his parts in the Black Sea Medea the witch, Medea, fratricide, poisoner. Medea abominable, Medea sorceress, Medea the enchantress, Medea of the black soul.

Akhenaten was the daughter of a king of Gaznir. After being cast out by her family for being a psyker, she was rescued by the XVth legion when they brought the world under compliance. The then-child had no qualms with throwing her loyalty to her old family and throwing her lot with the Thousand Sons, who would become her new family. Years down the line, Gaznir rises in rebellion agaisnt the Imperium, with her old birth-siblings being among the leaders. The Imperium, who doesn’t know about Akhenaten’s blood ties to them, sends the Thousand Sons to put down the rebellion. And once Akhenaten arrives to the planet she realizes her relatives are behind it. Yet she has no qualms about following Magnus’ orders to destroy the city in which they were, thus leading to their deaths.

The thousand sons were well known for their use of psychic powers/magic, which earned them the distrust of many.

In the song, the poisoner line refers to how Medea poisoned Glauce, who was the woman with whom Jason cheated on her. Considering how Magnus and the Thousand Sons threw their lot with Lorgar/ the Word Bearers and Horus / the Sons of Horus despite them being the ones responsible for the destruction of Prospero and the enslavement of its civilian population for turning them into rogue psykers during the Horus Heresy, they would symbolize Glauce.

If memory doesn’t fail me, they joined the traitor’s side out of desperation for they wished to find all of Magnus’ soul fragments. My knowledge of 30k lore is patchy, so I don’t know how far they were in the search before they said “fuck it we all”. As a result, I am unsure if Akhenaten ever knew of the reasons for the deal. But even if she knew, she would still find it unforgivable due to how the Legion protected and nurtured Prospero’s population. Considering chances are the Word Bearers and the Sons of Horus mistreated their rogue psykers, Akhenaten would interpret the legion’s actions as an approval of it.

I do know Akhenaten dropped the legion faster than a hot potato after she witnessed Ahriman sacrificing Hathor to summon a Lord of Change, so if she witnessed the rogue psyker’s abuse chances are it was after she left.

The reason why she abandoned the legion was because Hathor and Ahzek were her adoptive parents. And if Ahriman was capable of doing that to Hathor, then what would he do to her?

But perhaps a better reason would be their actions during the Siege of Terra. Conjuring daemons and using black magic to terrorize the planet. After all, Akhenaten fought for the Imperium, thus making her be in the receiving end of that.

Or maybe she turned agaisnt them because of all of the above.

EDIT: Damn, can’t believe I forgot about the First and Second Rubrics of Ahriman. And how thanks to the Second one, survivors from the First became randomly rubricc’ed. Yet another reason for her hate and anger towards the XVth.

To make matters worse, after learning of the first rubric she fell into a deep depression which led to her not getting out of bed for three months. And then she pulled a suicide by proxy via fighting an old thousand sons love who got chaos-spawned thanks to flesh change from a magical mishap. She survived the fight, but faced dire consecuences because of throwing magical precautions to the wind.

Her feelings towards Horemheb were mixed. On one side he was her first love, but after falling to Tzeentch he tried to swindle her.

-----

And as a revenge for the capture and enslavement of the prosperine, the corruption of half of the legions, the burning of Prospero, the Betrayal at Calth, various atrocities and the death of Sanguinius, Akhenaten under false pretenses gives poisoned gifts to members of the XVIth and XVIIth legions, resulting in their deaths.

The daughter of Hecate, in a dank cave In a distant land was joined in matrimony to the conceited Jason In Corinth she was crowned queen with a crown of blood. She gave Glauce gifts of death; she wiped out Mermeros and Pheres She who gifted them life, grants death as her final gift She cuts out their lives with a blood-dripping hand, tainting the fruit of her womb.

The first and second lines would refer to how she became Magnus’ gene-child once she got implanted with the XVth’s geneseed. Magnus’ main trait was his arrogance, which was one of the factors which led to the legion’s fall.

The “crowned queen with a crown of blood” line would be about how many years after the Great Scouring she killed a Son of Horus and took over his warband (but that’s a long story.)

We already know who Glauce is, but who would be Mermeros and Pheres? Thousand Sons who were created using Akhenaten’s geneseed.

(Considering Akhenaten belonged to the Order of the Jackal, and they were the ones in charge of selecting, transforming and raising the aspirants and neophytes into astartes, chances are Mermeros and Pheres were astartes in whose creation she was involved. Because they were made using her geneseed and she raised them, she considered herself their mother.

And they were lost in the warp during the Horus Heresy, being spat out many years later.)

Justice does not dwell in the eyes of mortals without you knowing what they are hiding in their hearts. You hate them at first sight even if they haven’t done you any wrong.

Akhenaten was beautiful, yet hid a lot of hate and anger in her heart. And she took it out on innocent people.

Monstrous Medea, Medea the witch, Medea the enchantress, Medea of the black soul, Medea Murderess.

Thanks to the crimes she commited, the people would call her Queen Abomination.

[everythingbap]

📸🎤 Kpop Concerts: [INTERVIEW] Jung Daehyun Gets Candid About The B.A.P Comeback And Reuniting with New York Fans

[INTERVIEW] Jung Daehyun Gets Candid About The B.A.P Comeback And Reuniting with New York Fans

by Angela L.

Jung Daehyun debuted as the main vocalist of the K-Pop boy group B.A.P in January 2012 with their debut single “Warrior.” Since then, the group made waves as they’ve captivated the hearts of many BABYs (their fandom name) with their empowering music. Their talent has earned them numerous awards and they were nicknamed “monster rookies” for their fierce stage presence. A year after their debut, they embarked on their first overseas tour and became the first K-Pop group to perform in New York’s Times Square.

After B.A.P’s contracts ended, the members pursued their individual activities. Daehyun released his first self-produced EP, Chapter2 “27”, in 2019, followed by the single album Aight shortly after. He stepped into musical theater and was cast in popular musicals such as Napolean and Grease. Whether through B.A.P or his solo work, Daehyun continues to charm listeners with his unique, powerful vocals.

The Shops at Skyview specially prepared a Daehyun meet & greet for “K-Pop Day” to kick off their K-Fun Summer School series. The sold-out event brought together many BABYs who welcomed his long-awaited return. While preparing for his scheduled appearance, Kpopconcerts.com sat down with Daehyun as he shared his thoughts on reuniting with New York fans and teased about the B.A.P comeback.

KPC: It’s been a while since you’ve last visited New York. How does it feel to be back this time as a soloist?

Daehyun: I’m having mixed feelings about it. The last time I was here was with my B.A.P members and although I miss them, I’m happy to be back and excited to meet the fans.

KPC: In what ways has your experience in musical theater influenced your approach to recording and performing music?

KPC: You’ve recently signed with MA Entertainment. Will we be expecting new music from you anytime soon?

Daehyun: I cannot share too many details about it at the moment but B.A.P will be releasing new music first and then I’ll work on my solo music.

KPC: Speaking of B.A.P, MA Entertainment released a documentary teaser regarding a comeback which received an emotional reception among BABYs. What are your thoughts about this?

KPC: We’re all excited to hear that! Now, since today’s meet & greet will adopt a “school theme,” what were some of your favorite school memories?

Daehyun: I was kind of a disobedient student but I remember spending most of my school years hanging out with friends and going to karaoke together.

KPC: Did you often get in trouble with your teachers?

KPC: New York fans have been patiently waiting to see you! What is something you’re looking forward to at the meet & greet?

Daehyun: I’ve been connecting with fans via social media so it’s nice to finally meet them in person. I’m thankful for all the fans who have waited to see me and I want to do my best at the event today!

[grackielechuga]

Fic Update | I'd like to mean it...

Or rather, the full title, I'd like to mean it when I say I'm over you (but that's still not true). I've been listening to the new Billie Eilish album a lot, so there was bound to be something born from it.

Originally, this post was going to be longer, but I've already procrastinated enough on this post so oops... One day I will actually upload a fic and the corresponding post in the same day.

When I was thinking about titling this one, I really could've used a lot of the lyrics from the first section of Blue, but you can (obviously) see what I decided on.

We've seen many times in canon that Aru often daydreams and is easily distracted by her own thoughts. So I had her keep that trait as a way for her to imagine her "dream fantasy boyfriend" as Mook.

"Her free ticket out of math class, the teacher prattling off equations Aru wouldn't understand even if she did care, is imagining her dream fantasy boyfriend. An overactive imagination allowed to run wild..."

"The image conjured up in her head almost seems real, an uncanny sense of familiarity washing over her. He stays stuck in her vision, holding towards her a glowing blue flower. She responds to his confession like she's memorized a script, a scene playing out before her that she swears she's seen somewhere before."

"The realization hits hard; this isn't merely a daydream. No, she's lived all of this before. From the heartfelt confession to his poignant goodbye, Aru knows every single bit of it. A boy who calls her name so sweetly, hugs her tightly and apologizes to her like he's doing something wrong by making his own decision for once. Mook."

This quote is a reference to Wildflower (also from the new Billie Eilish album).

"Aru shuts the door on her past life, even if it keeps her up at night like a stubborn, burning fever that refuses to go away."

Recontextualizing the ending for RHS was my main goal when writing this fic.

A notable mention here for Aru having learned from the same self-sacrificial behavior that she chastises Mook for.

"Fear coursing through her veins, she does the only logical thing she can think of and lunges for the puppy, holding him tight to her chest to protect from the worst of the impact."

"She won't let herself be the one to change that. In fact, before she even says any words to them, she vows to ward away the memories of their past lives. They don't deserve the pain and fear and heartbreak that they bring. She's already pretended for long enough, keeping up the facade for the rest of her life won't hurt."

And the icing on the cake: Aru smiling back at Mook, not for some sheer coincidence, but because she knows he's watching over and protecting her.

"Aru freezes, looking over her shoulder at the clear sky. Even though she doesn't see him, Mook is there, shining brighter than the sun. Watching, patiently waiting, a warm smile cast down to her. Gripping the straps of her backpack, she smiles back, wondering if he knows of her regained memories. If he doesn't, she wonders how he'd react. Would he be shocked? Would he see it as another Aru-typical bending of the rules? Would he seek her out again, or remain watching her from afar? Mari and Sehui call out to her. Before turning towards them, she murmurs, 'Thank you, Mook.'"

Oh, and if you noticed that this fic is part of a series, that's because I plan on making a sequel of sorts at some point.

[lizzygrantarchives]

Rolling Stone, January 30, 2012

The singer on her controversial 'SNL' performance, getting sent to boarding school and loving Biggie

JUST 36 HOURS AFTER THE the most polarizing Saturday Night Live performance in recent memory, Lana Del Rey is in New York, eating a cookie. “I actually felt good about it,” she says. “I thought I looked beautiful and sang fine.” But it’s clear that Del Rey has been rattled by the overwhelming Internet vitriol hurled her way after her awk­ward renditions of two tunes, including the breakout single “Video Games.” Del Rey’s ace in the hole: her debut LP, Born to Die, which blends sweeping orchestral arrangements and hip-hop beats with confessional lyrics about partying and unhealthy relation­ships. “Now my life is sweet like cinna­mon,” she sings on standout cut “Radio.” “Like a fuckin’ dream I’m livin’ in.”

How did it feel to sing on live TV?

It felt OK. The cast and crew said they loved it. I know some peo­ple didn’t like it, but that’s just the way I perform, and my fans know that.

Are you comfortable on stage?

I’m nervous. I’m not a natural performer or exhibitionist. When I was younger, I hated the focus, and it made me feel strange.

The backlash to that performance has been pretty harsh.

There’s backlash about everything I do. It’s nothing new. When I walk outside, people have something to say about it. It wouldn’t have mattered if I was absolutely excellent. People don’t have anything nice to say about this project. I’m sure that’s why you’re writing about it.

Have I given you the impression that I don’t like your music? I do! Especial­ly the song “Radio.”

No. I don’t know how you feel about it. It’s not easy to gauge how people feel about it. I don’t really want to go into it. But thank you, I love “Radio” too.

When was the first time you stepped onstage?

I was the littlest orphan in Annie when I was three.

What was the first music you loved?

We didn’t have a TV, so I remember seeing Nirvana’s “Heart-Shaped Box” video when I was 11, at a party at my mom’s friend’s house. There was just something about the look in Kurt’s eye that made me feel like I knew what he was feeling, like I could relate to him. I still listen to Nirvana most days.

In your song “Blue Jeans,” you sing, “I grew up on hip-hop.” Did you?

I really loved Eminem. And in high school, my English teacher introduced me to Biggie Smalls. I loved “Me & My Bitch.��

Do you have a big record collection?

I’m more of a singles person. I love the Beach Boys'”Fun, Fun, Fun,” Leonard Cohen’s “Suzanne” and Nina Simone’s “The Other Woman.” And hearing Bob Dylan’s “It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)” for the first time was a revelation. I watched Don’t Look Back a lot and read the biography by Anthony Scaduto. Like everyone else, Bob floors me.

Where did you write “Video Games”?

In London. I was with Justin Parker, one of my producers, and I just start­ed humming and freestyling over that progression of chords. It took me about 10 minutes, maybe. We knew we had something special. It was the perfect song for me — it was me in song form.

In your song “Off to the Races,” you mention cocaine, Bacardi chasers and cognac. Do you drink much?

I’ve been clean for some time now. I haven’t had a drink in many years, but I used to. Back when I was drinking a lot, I got in trouble and was sent to boarding school. But I straightened out after that.

Lyrics about taking some­one’s body “downtown” appear twice on the album. What does that mean?

It has a couple of mean­ings. One is, “Let’s go out, let’s go downtown!” And the other is… [Laughs] That’s it.

Originally published on rollingstone.com with the headline Q&A: Lana Del Rey.

[lebanesetoaster]

okay so

Wicked. I saw the tour last night in Hartford and I am having ALL the feels. first of all, the new Elphaba is delightfully tiny, I've never seen her shorter than Galinda and it brought such an interesting energy. (did I get faberry vibes the whole time? MAYBE) I loved every minute of it.

second of all, I found out after that it was the debut performance for eight of the actors including Elphie, Galinda, Nessarose, and Boq. And Boq was SO... sparkly? just the biggest queer energy, I was honestly like, maybe they're a lesbian? just rainbow vibes all around. I saw Wicked... maybe 15 years ago? I legit forgot Boq existed (um, I also forgot Fiyero existed... selective lesbian memory I guess??) anyway, point is, I did not come into this caring about Boq, but Alex Vinh made me love him.

(did I get lost in my head and googling the cast and forget what else I wanted to say? MAYBE. maybe.)

(wow okay, the first parenthesis came after at least 20 minutes... and since then, I just watched this from start to finish. whoops. what even was I saying??)

Wicked. just. wow. all of it. the whole cast was so strong, they did not miss a note. sometimes when I've listened to the same recording too many times (broadway or just regular albums), the variations in a live performance throw me off. but it was just So. Good.