#so now our brain thinks it's 2016 again and I have to deal with the wild emotional shit we had going on as a teenager

[thethingything]

apparently now we get to have flashbacks to the weird period between mid 2015 and late 2016 where our mental health took some absolutely wild hits, plus the odd flashback to mid 2017, so I guess it's time to deal with this stuff again

[avelera]

PSA: You should question news articles that make you not want to vote

Hey Tumblr friends, but especially young Americans in this, the year of our Lord 2024.

Unfortunately, it is an election year.

Unfortunately, a US election year becomes everyone's problem, and yes everyone else, we are very very sorry that you have to deal with our nonsense.

But in all seriousness, the level of propaganda that's going to be flung around on all sides is going to reach peak levels this year for the English-speaking internet in particular. There's going to be a lot of influence operations, on all sides, and yes including on sides you agree with but they are still influence operations.

Source: I am speaking as a cybersecurity professional who also did a great deal of work in election security.

So, here's what I am going to ask you to do. What I am going to beg you to do: be careful of any article that makes you think there's no point in voting.

That's it. I'm not going to tell you who to vote for, or how to think, or that you should trust or distrust every article out there. I don't care about that. I care about whether or not it makes you think you shouldn't vote.

A lot of influence operations are about making you feel like there's no point. That both sides are just as bad as the other. The the election is falsified. That you can "protest" by not voting (false: you will simply not be counted and your voice will be ignored). All sorts of reasons not to vote.

No matter what you do, what you believe, or who you trust, you really really have to vote this year, and every year, and you need to not listen to articles that say there's no point because among those articles are in fact active foreign influence campaigns trying to promote one side or the other for their own reasons, I am deadly serious right now.

(More context, sources, and examples sources below the cut.)

In 2016, Russian influence operations were focused on tearing down Hillary in order to specifically depress voter turnout among young men of color in the belief that this would help Trump get elected.

From the article: "“Buried literally in the middle of the indictment is a paragraph that should jar every American committed to the long fight for voting rights,” Anders wrote in a statement. “The Russians allegedly masqueraded as African-American and American Muslim activists to urge minority voters to abstain from voting in the 2016 election or to vote for a third-party candidate.”

This is the flavor of influence campaign that has been proven, that does exist, and is the sort of thing that does numbers here on Tumblr.

Things like the situation in Gaza, for example, are incredibly fraught situations. Articles don't even need to lie about facts on the ground there to make people feel hopeless and angry. Again, I am not telling you who to trust or not trust when it comes to news sources. But if an article about this event, for examples, makes you think or even outright tells you, "There's no point to voting, both sides are awful, I just shouldn't bother." You need to pause and at least consider that this might be an influence operation. You need to think critically. You need to check sources. You need to think about the world you want to live in, to vote for, and who might not want that world to happen for any variety of reasons.

Protesting by failing to vote isn't a real thing.

Old politicians ignoring young voters because they famously do not bother to vote is absolutely 100% a real thing. It is why so many policies that are popular with young people are low priority for politicians: they are not afraid of losing the young vote because no one plans on having it in the first place when it's never there in big enough numbers to matter.

So please, please, read what you want. Believe what you want. Follow your heart and your brain and whatever other organ you want to think with. I'm not here to tell you who is right, wrong, trustworthy, good, or bad. I'm just here to tell you that despite all of that, whatever you read, you must vote in your elections, no matter where you are in the world and you must not listen to voices that tell you not to as a protest.

[foundtherightwords]

Drive

Pairing: Eddie x Chrissy

Summary: What happened between Eddie and Chrissy during the ride to his trailer, or why Chrissy "left that van smiling", in the words of Grace Van Dien. Inspired by this lovely art, and also a bit by the song "Drive" by The Cars (hence the title).

Warnings: a bit of angst (I didn't set out to make it angsty, but my hands just slipped), brief mentions of drug use, idiots in love

Word count: 2.3k

A/N: I did it! I wrote a one-shot! My brain kept whining the whole time "Where is the plooooooot", but I did it! Big thanks to @harritudur for the inspiration!

"Shit," Eddie mumbled under his breath as he opened the door of the van and a whiff of stale odor assaulted his nostrils. The ashtray was full to overflowing, old clothes and discarded sketches and outlines for his old campaigns were scattered around and under the seats. Eddie never cared much about the garbage piling up in his van, usually just pushing it to a convenient spot if it was in his way, but not tonight. Not the night when he was going to drive Chrissy Cunningham back to his trailer.

He grabbed a plastic bag and started throwing things into it willy-nilly, while keeping an eye on the school entrance for Chrissy. There were still a few stragglers in the parking lot, and she was probably waiting until it was completely empty.

Chrissy Cunningham. It still didn't feel quite real that she had not only approached him, but also agreed to come home with him. Eddie tried to stamp down the excitement that had been coursing through him since that afternoon, since she'd asked him to meet her in the parking lot after the game. Don't be stupid. It's just a drug deal. Nothing more. But even as he told himself this, his heart couldn't help beating faster when he remembered the way she had smiled at him, the way she had lifted her eyes to him before looking away again.

However, as the parking lot emptied and there was no sign of a strawberry blonde cheerleader making her way toward him, his anticipation waned, to be replaced by disappointment. What if she didn't show? What if she decided that this whole thing was a Big Mistake and wanted nothing more to do with him?

He dropped the plastic bag back on the floor of the van, not caring that the garbage was spilling out again. He tried to tell himself that this hollow feeling in his stomach was due to the loss of a potential customer, but he knew it wasn't true. Perhaps it was just as well. What the hell was he thinking anyway? Just because she'd laughed at his lame jokes and remembered his lame band from six years ago and now he was entertaining the idea of—No. Obviously, she was just being nice to him because he had something she wanted. He had to remember not to mix business with pleasure next time. Not that there had been any pleasure this time. Not really.

A tap on his shoulder made him jump.

He whirled around and there she was, in her green skirt and white hoodie with "Chrissy" embroidered on the front. "Sorry," she said chest, with a little smile that still lit up her face. "Didn't mean to scare you."

Did she do that on purpose, echoing the exact same words he'd said to her when they met in the woods that afternoon, or was that just a coincidence?

"It's OK," Eddie said, hoping the butterflies in his stomach weren't actually visible.

"Sorry I took so long. I had to wait until the squad's all gone home."

"What did you tell them?"

"That I was waiting for Jason."

Eddie wanted to ask what she told Jason, but the mention of that prick left a sour taste in his mouth, so he said nothing.

Chrissy, probably mistaking his silence for nervousness, continued, a little breathlessly, "I told Jason I was going home, and my parents think I'm with him. So don't worry. We'll have plenty of time."

That wasn't what he was thinking about, but he appreciated her effort to reassure him.

"Sure you want to do this?" he asked, and immediately wished he hadn't, for the sparkle in Chrissy's eyes abruptly dimmed, like stars getting hidden by clouds.

"... Of course," she said, but didn't sound too confident. "It'll be fun."

He wanted to kick himself. Whatever her reason for wanting to try the Special K, it wasn't any of his business. Reminding her of it clearly only stressed her out.

"Then your chariot awaits, my lady," he said, stepping aside and extending a hand toward the open door. At the last moment, his eyes caught a single limp fry wedged in the back of the passenger's seat, a remnant of Corroded Coffin's late-night snack after their weekly Hideout gig. He plucked it out and rammed it into his pocket just in time.

Chrissy didn't seem to notice. She gave him another smile and got in. Eddie followed, hoping that he'd gotten rid of the worst of the smell, and that she wouldn't see the garbage bag shoved in a corner in the back like a dead body.

He saw her struggling to close the door on her side. "It's a piece of shit, sorry—no, you have to twist the handle that way—" he said, but she couldn't quite get it. Without thinking, he reached over and shut it for her.

"Thanks," she said softly. Eddie felt her breath on his cheek and realized, belatedly, that their faces were mere inches apart. He shuffled back into his seat, lowering his head over the wheel, so his hair would hide the blush creeping over his skin.

He started the van. The cassette player roared to life, belting out Master of Puppets, which he'd been practicing in the past few weeks. "Sorry," he said, fumbling for the stop button, but Chrissy put a hand on his arm.

"No, leave it," she said. "I don't mind. It stops me thinking."

He glanced at her, concerned, but she must've realized she'd said too much and drew her hand back, before turning to look out the window. Her fingers were icy cold as they brushed against his wrist, and he felt a sudden urge to reach out and hold them, to rub some warmth and life back into them. But he only reached for the volume knob and turned it down to a reasonable level.

"So, uh, good game?" he asked, as the van rattled down the dark road.

"I thought you didn't care about games where you toss balls into laundry baskets," Chrissy said.

Fuck. So she'd heard his soapbox speech. Well, of course she'd heard, the whole cafeteria had heard, that was the point, but he didn't think she would remember. He glanced at her. She was grinning at him, her slightly crooked front teeth making the smile all the more mischievous. Adorably so. He had to make an effort to tear his eyes away from her and turn his attention back to the road. Stay focused.

"I don't," he said. "I only asked because—" Because of you, he wanted to say, but what came out instead was, "Because Sinclair decided it was more important than Hellfire and I want to know if the twerp regretted it."

"Tell me about Hellfire then," she said, sitting up.

"Nah, you'll probably find it boring."

"I won't. Please. What do you guys do?"

And so Eddie launched into an enthusiastic explanation of D&D, perhaps a bit too enthusiastic, but he noticed that Chrissy never once looked bored. If anything, her eyes were fixed on him with delight. No. Be careful. Don't mix business and pleasure.

"And Sinclair gave that up for basketball, can you believe it?" he concluded.

"Well, he did score the winning point," Chrissy said, still smiling.

Huh. Good for the kid. Eddie tried to scowl, but Chrissy's knowing smile was making it difficult. She could see right through him, yet there was no mockery or smugness in that smile. It was just... teasing.

"You're happy for him, I can tell," she said, confirming his thought. "Why do you have to hide it?"

Eddie shrugged. "Have to maintain my mean and scary reputation, I suppose," he grumbled.

"But you're not."

"Hey, no need to flatter me, you already got the 25% discount," Eddie said, half-joking. "Do you want me to give you the Special K for free or what?"

Chrissy's face fell. "Oh, no. No, I'm sorry. I didn't—"

Shit. Why did he have to bring up the deal again? Why couldn't he pretend they were just... hanging out... as... friends? She said it would be fun. He wanted to make it fun for her, but it seemed he was incapable of keeping his foot out of his mouth.

Chrissy fumbled in her pocket and pulled out several bills. "Actually, you don't even have to give me the discount," she said, holding out the money. "You're already going out of your way to help me. I'm paying you the full amount."

At the sight of the money, Eddie's pretended irritation turned real, but he didn't know if it was with Chrissy or with himself. He had no reason to be mad at Chrissy. She was always going to pay him. This was a drug deal, after all. She hadn't given him any indication otherwise. If he thought it was going to lead to something else, then it was his own damn fault for being such a fool. Yet he couldn't help stop that feeling of disappointment, of disillusion, from weighing him down.

Suddenly he saw how stupid the whole thing was. He was taking a girl—and not just any girl, the Queen of Hawkins High herself—back to his trailer to give her drug, a drug she'd never used before, a drug he himself had only dabbled in. What if something happened?

"I don't think we should do this," he said, pushing away her hand with the money in it.

"What?" Chrissy stared at him. "What's wrong? What did I do?"

"Nothing! It's just—"

How could he explain? It wasn't just the fear of something going wrong. It was more because he was afraid that if he sold her the drug, then that would be it. She would take the drug, he would take the money, and the next time they walked past each other in the hall at school, it would be as strangers again. He wasn't sure if he could handle that. It would hurt too much.

"Please, you're the only one that can help me. You're the only one that knows," Chrissy said. "Please, Eddie." That was the first time she called him by name, and fuck if it didn't feel good to hear. But he steeled his resolve and shook his head.

"I just—I can't, OK? Sorry. Let me drive you home."

She turned to the window, her eyes brimming. Cursing himself, Eddie reached for the gear stick to put the van in reverse. As he did so, his finger grazed her knee, just barely. But it felt electric, sending a thrill through his arm that lasted much longer than it should have. He withdrew his hand and peeked at Chrissy through the fringe of his hair. She was still looking out the window, chewing her lip. With a sigh, he grabbed the gear stick again.

Just then, he felt a slight pressure on the side of his hand.

He looked down.

Chrissy had moved her leg a smidge, pressing it against his hand.

He looked up. She wasn't really looking at him, but she wasn't not looking at him either. Her eyes were turned away from him with a bit too much determination.

Eddie thought about reaching for her hands, by way of apologizing, of convincing her that she had done nothing wrong, that he was doing this for her own good, but Chrissy was keeping them folded in her lap, away from him. He realized they were both holding their breath, their bodies poised over some unknown precipice, waiting for the other to do something, to take that first step.

Slowly, he extended his pinky until it touched her leg.

He exhaled, and felt, rather than heard, Chrissy do the same, almost imperceptibly.

Then Chrissy nudged her leg a little closer. Eddie felt her smooth skin under his calloused fingertips, cool against the burning heat of his palm. She was trembling slightly, and he felt a pulse form inside him, matching hers. He pressed down a little more tightly, squeezing her knee in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.

To answer it, she lifted her knee, and his hand slid further down her thigh.

Time stretched around them, elastic, breathless. Metallica continued to blare in the background, but Eddie no longer heard it. He held on to Chrissy and looked into her eyes, and found his gaze returned. In those blue, blue eyes, he saw the answer to all his questions, all his doubts. This wasn't just a drug deal for her. This could be something else. This would be something else, if he was brave enough to reach out and take it...

CRASH!!!

They both jumped, and Eddie's hands flew back to grip the steering wheel. The van, left to its own device, had just swiped a garbage can. Eddie realized, with both dejection and relief, that they were already at the turnoff to Forest Hills Trailer Park. He looked back at Chrissy and saw his fluster reflected on her face. The moment was gone.

"Almost there," he said, clearing his throat as he pulled the van roaring into the park.

"Oh" was all she said.

"You, uh, still want to do this?"

"Yes," she said. There was no hesitation this time.

The van rolled to a stop. Chrissy opened the door without waiting for him, but Eddie wasn't disappointed. In her firm answer, he had seen some glow, some warmth lingering between them, an ember rather than a fire now, but it would flame to life again, given the chance.

"This is... uh, my castle," he announced, sweeping his arms toward the rickety trailer. That earned him a smile, and he felt that glow again as he remembered the way her leg had trembled under his hand, and the answering pulse from deep inside him. The night was not over. And later, perhaps, she would let him drive her home.

And they had a lovely time in Eddie's trailer and later he did drive her home and nothing bad ever happened to them 🥲

[brightgnosis]

The music festival was great, honestly. There were a lot of hiccups emotionally, but we had such a good time; it was amazing to be back after not getting to go for a couple of years thanks to COVID.

My Husband and I did discover that we've become Orcs, essentially, since Covid, however; we don't deal well with large crowds of people and get persnippety now when confronted with them. Which wasn't great in and of itself, but we figured out what the issue was quickly enough and put things into place to deal with it.

We've also discovered that I've apparently developed some kind of potential panic disorder since Covid; between the CAG (my fun digestive nonsense) nearly killing me between 2016 and now, plus all my memory issues and memory loss, plus catching COVID in 2020 before vaccination availability, plus now the Fibro … My brain straight up just error 404's and shuts down entirely after a certain level of noise and motion- and apparently now I start panicking when that happens in large crowds?

I was having this issue slightly before now, whenever we go shopping in WalMart and I find myself too crowded in. But I never panicked before, and neither of us really understood the true extent of it I guess. We did find, though, that putting my head down, closing my eyes, and plugging my ears helps significantly. Still, it's such a strange new experience for me because I used to be so good with crowds before all this nonsense ... And now ... Eugh.

One nice thing was that our camping spot was literally right up against the fence, across from one of the stages (Stage 3). So we didn't have to walk too far to the gate to get into the festival grounds- and we didn't have to chase down nearly as many bands. We could just sit around camp and wait until they came over to Stage 3 to play instead, and just go into the grounds whenever we either wanted to see a band at the main stage, wanted food, or wanted to look at Vendor shinies.

The only downside to being right across the fence from a stage, however, is that I'm half deaf. I can't hear on a good day- which means I definitely can't hear when there's very loud music going from 9 am to near midnight every single night. And it was so frustrating because no one would speak loud enough at me to hear; even my husband was using his "polite indoor voice" because he didn't want to disturb the people across the fence. It took me several days to get him to understand that we're 10 feet back from them. Not only can they not hear us via proximity, they're not even paying attention to us, and can't hear us over the music even if proximity was an issue. It was still frustrating trying to hear him, however, and I don't think having my hearing aids would have made the problem any better.

Despite all that, though, it really was a great time. I got to eat a lot of amazing Greek food (Frank’s Greek Delights), which I haven't gotten to have since our Greek place shut down a while ago- plus Pho and Thai Boba Tea (Han Jep Asian Fusion). And I bought myself a couple metal garden stakes (one butterfly and a hummingbird from Empty Pockets Ironworks), a moonstone and copper bracelet (Mosto Creations), and a sterling silver and Swiss Topaz hummingbird necklace (Brendan White Jewelry Designs). So those were lovely treats.

Entertainment-wise, I got to watch The Steel Wheels perform again, as well as Socks In the Frying Pan (and picked up new CDs from both); saw Bing Futch again (always a classic for us); discovered a new band I think I like (Weda Skirts); And I finally got to go back to Carp Camp a couple nights in a row- which was lovely, and very much well needed (if unexpectedly emotional for me).

I even met what I'm pretty sure is a couple of Heathen practitioners running one vendor- one of whom is an Ex-Mo like me. And I met another confirmed practitioner of unknown tradition working at a different vendor's booth. Something which I definitely didn't expect, but definitely loved!

I hurt like hell today, now that I'm finally home. But I'm honestly surprised that my body doesn't hate me more than it does? I genuinely expected a flair, or something, at the very least ... But nope ... Just a lot of muscle soreness, and some very angry knees, and that's all. I even did relatively well with the heat- although we got fairly lucky and the weather was actually cool for the first few days of the festival; all in all, my body handled it really well, and I'm so damned happy about that.

[thejamiei]

Jamie’s♥️ Diary … 📕 26/03/2024

Last Night After I Was Here, I Thought That Maybe, Being The Most Intelligent Person Born To This Day In The World’s History, That Tays💋 Might Be Interested In What Is Actually Going Through My Mind For Once … 🙂

I Woke Up At 7:00pm To-Day To Watch One Of My Fav Shows Ever, MAFS Where I Observe In Total Real Life People’s Different Behaviours And How They Think And Process Different Challenges Being Married.

3am To 3pm Is Twelve Hrs, Plus 4 Equals 16 Hrs Sleep. Something Must Of Been On My Mind For It To Shut Down Like That. It’s Not Like I’m Not Human, My Brain Just Went Blank And I Had A Dream That I Owned The Biggest Train Set In The World. Strange.

Anyways After Watching A Doco On Domestic Violence, Me And My Mom Had A Discussion About Taylor❤️ And How Worried I Was That Taylor❤️ Could Be Involved In A Domestic Violence Situation With That Big Dumb Stupid Travis. My Mum Has Finally Accepted Our Relationship After Multiple Trips To Psych Ward Since 2016 Simply Because I Came Out And Said I Love Tays💋 And They Thought I Was Having Delusional Thoughts But They Soon Found Out I Know About Psychiatry And They Diagnosed Me With Above Average Intelligence And I Had To Let Them Believe That I’m A Huge Fan 🪭.

Jesus, I Didn’t Tell Them The Facts Otherwise I Would Be Given A Depot And That’s Why In 2017, I Was Silent Being Stuck Homeless With Nowhere To Go Until 2019.

However, The Vault Of Knowledge Got Broken Into Again And All The Top Secret Literature And Items Got Stolen, Including 3 IPhones And The Jamesi♥️ Coins. So, I Had To Rebuild It All. Then I Found Out That Joe Was Still On The Scene And It Was Like The Biggest Stab In The Back Yet.

I Pushed Through Because I Know I Am Right And Developed A Near Psychopathic Behaviour Because I Always Have Taylor’s❤️ Back And All My Emotions Nearly Became Cold, Having Dealt With Man After Man After Man. I Refuse To Let Them Destroy Me After What I Have Been Through, Not Too Many People Would Come Out On Top Or Recover From Such Extensive Traumas.

I’m Still Worried About Tays💋, The Only Reason A Person Would Choose Big Dumb Stupid Men Is Because They Are Insecure And Then They Feel Obligated To Make It Work When Most People Are Saying She’s The One Who’s Wrong, That Is Abuse And Unacceptable. I Said To My Mom She Has No-One To Turn To Except Me And She Agreed Because She Knows How Long My Relationship With Taylor❤️ Is Going On With And The Symptoms And Signs Of Domestic Violence Are Exhibited All Over This Travis Kelce Deceit.

So, I Go To Facebook And The Many Agencies In America Have Now Found Out About My High Level Of Intuition And Still Offer Some Degree Of Secrecy. However, All This Has Not Actually Been About Me And Until Taylor❤️ And Me Get Together, I Must Continue To Have Her Back. She Is Always My First Priority And Even Though, Mysteries Are Kept Secret For Very Good Reasons.

The Secret Is, She Has To Come See Me Which Is Virtually Impossible.

And This Is Something I Really Don’t Like Because The Best People In Life Are Free.

They Don’t Need Someone Else To Organise A Meeting. How Freakin Fake Can You Get. This Is Why I Never Want To Become Famous And Besides, I’m Not Scared Of Nothing.

Well, Maybe Water, Horses And Clowns.

he💋 he💋 he💋 … 🥹

All Her Big Docile Dumb Pathetic Men Have Nothing On Me. People Die For A Reason And The Jamesi Corporation’s Cybersecurity Is Second To None.

I Just Wanted Intelligent People To Know I Am Real And I’m Not Giving The Secrets To Mysteries Away Because Of The Huge Responsibly That Entails.

Alas, Because Of My Life Experience In Dealing With Mental Illnesses, I Will Help Anyone Who I Come Across.

Taylor❤️ Being Told She’s The Problem Is Unacceptable And Her Indications Toward Depressive Disorders Are Misdiagnosed And Unfounded. It’s Because Other People Lead Her To Believing These Things Which Results In Unwanted Verbal Abuse From Other People.

Now, That’s What Causes Real Depression And Once She Knows, She Can Do Something About It.

There Is Tremendous Strength With Dealing With Problems And Standing On Your’ Own Two Feet Coming Out On Top.

I Can’t Wait For Her To Wake Up And F_ck Off All These Pricks That Mislead Her.

It’s Not Being Mean Or Nasty, It Is Showing That You’re Not Taking Or Tolerating Anymore Deceit From Them Putting You Down.

It Is A Real Sign Of Strength.

I Know Because I Have/Do It Everyday.

I Must Stay Strong For Taylor❤️,

So She Can Be Mentally Strong For Herself … ✨

.

.

Love Jamie♥️

[smolycule]

for the smosh asks, 10-17 :)

the way this has been sitting in my inbox for half a year i am SO fucking sorry anon LMAO. thanks for humoring me with that ask game i reblogged months ago 😭 idk if you even care anymore BUT heres a response! better late than never i guess oops

10. Fave smosh song?

dixon cider is up there unfortunately. also girls are gross. and any of the lil jingles tommy made throughout the years :3

11. What's something you want to see come back?

i need another smosh seasonal games EXPEDITIOUSLY... plus as an Older fan a part of me is always gonna want the ex cast to appear again in some capacity, mainly ogsog 🤧

12. Do you own any Smosh merch?

yes i have a baseball tee with the "questionable quality humor" design on it which i got mid 2010s (i love the design but i unfortunately got it in a too small size so it's kinda dysphoria inducing 😭). and they had a deal at the time i ordered it where they sent an extra random piece of merch along with the order for free so i also have a kinda silly looking tshirt based on the assassin's creed 4 song that has text that says "cause i'm a pirate" 😭 cannot wear that one in public

13. Do you ship anything/love any friendship pairs?

why yes i do 8) but i already kinda go over that in my pinned post so i don’t feel like typing it all out again lol. as of late though my brain has been Consumed with spourtney, spommy, and shaynse among the expected others. and more tbh

14. What is your favorite 'era' of Smosh?

truthfully it is the current era but also including early 2023. i think when let’s do this was airing it was the most consistently i was having fun with smosh uploads ever. i see the current era as basically the early 2023 vibe but part 2, though anthony returning was certainly a very high point despite ldt ending 🤧 tho im NOT gonna lie 2016-2018 smosh, particularly for the pit uploads and general cast dynamics, comes in 2nd for me. bc im a nostalgic bitch

15. What castmember do you think you are most like?

HONESTLY. IDK… maybe courtney due to the Queerness, nonbinarism, humor style, fashion style (kinda, im not as fem as them), and history of parasocial tendencies and ability to get Extreme joy out of witnessing people being cute and affectionate with each other. our joint ex-larry shipper slay… but also tommy for the Anxiety and queerness and humor and love for noise music <3 (can u tell theyre my favs)

something i find FASCINATING though is that i VISCERALLY relate to shaynes specific social anxiety about Emails and avoiding them in a cycle bc u get scared u missed something important so u just avoid them more 😵‍💫 when i first heard him say that i went BONKERS bc what other fucking celebrity who deliberately puts themselves in the public eye would be that dysfunctional about that 😭 idk i just felt seen… (granted my avoidance issues are Much worse than that and affect way more facets of my life haha but. yeah)

16. Have you met any friends through Smosh?

no… 🫠 ive always been a recluse esp in fandom spaces hskskskfngfkld

17. What do you want to see now that Anthony's back?

this question definitely was more fitting when this ask game was relevant months ago LOL but still i want to see anthony interacting with the cast more on pit and games. all the time even

OK DONE FINALLY. if you read all that… thank you 🫡

[thehorrortree]

S.A. Bradley discusses why we love horror BONUS: His list of best Christmas horror movies  By Angelique Fawns   What is beneath the chills and thrills? Why do we love horror? I attended a Fyrecon writing class this October with S.A. Bradley called How Horror Performs “Cultural Shadow Work” and he had me enthralled. The presentation focused on how allegory and metaphor in our favorite horror movies and books help a society heal. Bradley is also the brain child behind Hellbent for Horror, an award-winning podcast where he discusses everything horror. He’s in high demand for his live shows and book readings, but he took the time to sit down and discuss our favorite subject with us here at Horrortree. Of course.... horror.   AF: How did you first discover horror?   S.A. B: I like to call that moment the “First Kiss” with horror. It’s that moment when a horror movie makes such an impression that you’ll either never watch another one or you’re hooked for life. It usually happens when we sneak in to see a movie we shouldn’t have watched when we were too young to be watching it in the first place.   My “First Kiss” was Nicolas Roeg’s DON’T LOOK NOW (1974) when I was 8 years old. I was left unattended, and Home Box Office was playing on the television. That surreal opening sequence with the drowning girl put me in a state of shock. I had nightmares for three nights and I refused to tell my father what gave me them. It was my secret. The movie scared me, but I needed to see that opening scene again. Once I did, I felt much better. I think breaking the rules and seeing something forbidden is a rite of passage that horror gives us. We take the dare, and the world doesn’t end, and we come out a little braver.    AF: Do you have a day job or is the being “the champion of horror” a full-time pursuit?   S.A. B: It’s become a full-time obsession. I worked as a technical recruiter for start-up software companies in Silicon Valley for a decade. It was intense and fast-paced work that paid well, but it also took over my life. One day I realized that I spent all my time using my communication skills to voice other people’s passions, and I decided it was time to give voice to my own.     AF: You host a podcast called “Hellbent for Horror”, can you talk to me about that and how it found its audience?   S.A. B: “Hellbent for Horror” is a podcast devoted to all things horror, where I talk about movies, books, music, and historical events that shaped me and also shaped the culture. I have essay-driven episodes where I take a theme, like obsessions or phobias, and discuss three or four horror films that deal with that theme. Other episodes are interview-based, where I have guests on to discuss a theme and films of interest. I started in 2016, and the first dozen episodes were essay-driven shows I promoted on Facebook and Twitter. Folks found the podcast on iTunes and other outlets, and I started getting emails from folks who really connected with what I had to say. Many of them were really smart and knowledgeable horror fans, so I started asking some of them if they wanted to be guests on the show. Little by little, folks started to share my show with friends. Somewhere along the way, I started getting a small but rabidly dedicated following. I just kept talking, and folks found me.     AF: You are one of the most articulate and polished public speakers I’ve ever met. How did you learn/perfect this skill? Any secrets?  S.A. B: I have a very weird background and upbringing. I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian cult which had me preaching and evangelizing at a very young age. Almost every day was immersion and church services. The church leaders taught me how to speak in public with authority at the ripe old age of 8 and how to use gestures and pauses effectively to draw in folks. And they used to grade me on this stuff. They would have me do 5-minute pulpit sermons on specific bible verses, and I’d get a report card aft

er church. They also inadvertently taught me the art of debating because I went to a public school where I’d have to defend my family’s beliefs to the other kids. This was an aggressive, in-your-face religion, and the irony is that the debate skills they gave me were the tools that made me rebel against the cult. It didn’t hold up to scrutiny. By my teens, all my debate and oration skills were used to voice strong opinions around my love of heavy metal, punk, and, most of all, horror. As you can tell here, I’m a natural talker, but I’m also an avid reader, and I do believe that reading helps your speaking voice. You can learn rhythms and flow of dialogue from both fiction and non-fiction books. That natural voice helped me through many jobs, including technical recruiting.     The biggest skill is to be passionate. I can be at a convention and talk about horror for 6 hours straight because I LOVE THE SUBJECT. To me, the main reason to do any of this is to share my love and passion with others. When I was recruiting, I was passionate about bringing smart folks together for a common cause. I also needed to believe in the company, and I needed to love what they wanted to make or do. Horror fans are hungry for knowledge and a new movie to fall in love with, and we all love to share what we know and what excites us. Half of the joy is sharing the love with someone else.       AF: How does your background in the U.S. Airforce and as a firefighter influence your understanding/love of horror?  S.A. B: Interesting question, one I’ve never been asked before. I guess if there’s anything that being in the military did for my understanding of horror was that it introduced me to a much broader and more diverse world than I knew in my hometown in the Pennsylvania Coal Country. I met people from all types of backgrounds and heard how different regions have different boogeymen. One big thing that being a firefighter in the USAF brought to the table was a fascination with death and gore. Death or disfigurement was always a possibility in that line of work, and we were living on a base with nuclear missiles on it, so we leaned into it with “gallows humor.” We loved trying to gross each other out or playing scary pranks on each other. We tried to be “Born Again Hard” to pretend we were unshockable. I was tasked with bringing the goriest, nastiest horror films into the station. The over-the-top gore and crazy monsters gave us an outlet to laugh and groan away the real-life tension we had, and it helped give us one more thing to bond over.    AF: Tell us about your book Screaming for Pleasure. How was it received? Do you have another book in the works?  S.A. B: “Screaming for Pleasure: How Horror Makes You Happy and Healthy” is a love letter to all things that go bump in the night, and how horror not only reinvents itself to reflect each generation’s anxieties but can also be healing as well as thrilling. It shows how our culture informs our horror movies, and how our horror movies inform our culture. The book opened to mostly positive reviews and slowly built a word-of-mouth readership that grew beyond the podcast reach. Three years later, the book still gets discovered by readers and book critics alike and has been included in “best of” lists and won a few readers’ choice awards.   And I am working on another book as we converse here! This one will celebrate horror from high to low while delving into why horror fans are so loyal, how monsters are metaphors for our cultural dark shadows, and how there is a horror film out there for everyone’s tastes.      AF: You have a unique take on horror and how it serves a purpose in society. Can you touch on that?   S.A. B: Sure. The horror movie is tailor-made to use allegory and metaphor to discuss uncomfortable real-life subjects safely by giving us emotional distance from the darkness. When we use a monster as a stand-in boogeyman for the real monsters out there, we get to release some of the anxiety that the modern world builds up inside

all of us. I tell people there’s no way I would watch a movie about the January 6th Insurgency, but I probably would watch a movie where werewolves attacked Congress. We’d still know what those werewolves represented. Allegories allow us to feel emotions without needing to get into philosophical debates. You can still have those debates, but it’s not compulsory at the moment. Yet, I find that horror always comments on the sore spots in society, whether we are ready to accept it or not.    AF: You also have an opinion on Horror and Happiness. Can you explain?   S.A. B: Horror works on the shadow self, the Jungian shadow, that every person has inside them. Jung states that we need to acknowledge the shadow within us, and I see horror as a safe handshake with that dark side. Horror works like music does. You feel music before you intellectualize it. You go back to the music afterward to think about why it affected you, but the first brush with it is totally visceral. One note of music can change your mood, and horror works the same way. Art doesn’t need to be logical to be emotionally powerful, but art can’t exist without an emotional connection. The same goes for horror movies. They let us confront and accept the dark parts of ourselves, they also give us a sense of play, and they help us find our clan of folks who revel in it as much as we do!     [caption id="attachment_628634" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] Photo by Hello I'm Nik on Unsplash[/caption] AF: I find I enjoy horror, especially during the holidays. Is there a reason horror is so appealing at the most festive time of the year?   S.A. B: Horror goes with the spirit of Christmas like spiced rum goes with eggnog. Monsters, ghosts, and the supernatural were key figures of the holiday season long before the word Christmas even existed, and they still are. Winter solstice, the shortest/darkest day of the year, was considered a time when the “veil” between the worlds of the dead and the living was very thin. Dead ancestors were addressed in scary tales told around the fire. The longest nights and darkest days were times to huddle everyone close and remember that life is hard, dangerous, and short. As Christianity took hold, many of the pagan customs and the presence of ghosts remained. Shakespeare’s “A Winter’s Tale” takes place at the winter solstice and features sprites and goblins. Christopher Marlowe’s “The Jew of Malta” speaks of spirits and ghosts that glide by night. And then, on December 19, 1843, Charles Dickens published a novella that capitalized on a revival in rural England around the holiday traditions. The title of the book was “A Christmas Carol. In Prose. Being a Ghost Story of Christmas.” Telling ghost stories on Christmas Eve became a tradition in England, and it was Charles Dickens who popularized it. He regularly included ghost stories, like “The Seven Poor Travelers,” “The Chimes,” “The Haunted Man,” and “The Signal-Man” in the Christmas issues of magazines like Household Words and All the Year Round.  The British have kept that tradition of Christmas Ghost Stories throughout the decades. You can even see it in the Doctor Who Christmas specials, which almost always deal with ghosts. We horror fans are keeping in line with a long-honored literary and cultural tradition!    [caption id="attachment_628635" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] Photo by Jeremy Yap on Unsplash[/caption] AF: What movies do you recommend for horror fans looking to indulge during the holiday?  Well, I’ll give a shameless plug to my Hellbent for Horror podcast episode 27 (https://hellbentforhorror.com/podcast-episodes/2016/12/24/episode-027-you-better-watch-out-christmas-horror-movies) where I list quite a few of them, and I also want to mention that I do an annual episode where I read a Christmas Ghost Story.  But, for the sake of this article, here are a few Christmas horror movies that I think are some of the best:   Krampus (2015) 

Michael Dougherty’s movie about a boy who accidentally summons the demon for Christmas to deal with his horrible relatives has much promise. The look of Krampus himself, with a death mask of an eyeless Santa, is worth the price of admission. The movie gleefully skewers family holiday anxiety, but I wish it went further into the anarchic darkness that Krampus represents. Search out the “Naughty Cut” extended version if you’re a real freak (like me).    Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)  This Finnish gem has the Old-World pagan folklore collide directly with the more modern Christian mythos in a story where an archaeological dig might have just unearthed the tomb of the “real Santa Claus”. What pops out of the tomb stands holiday tradition on its head. This movie has a satirical premise about how we bury our dark history under new history to commodify it, but when the monsters get revealed, the movie takes itself deadly serious.    Sint (2010)  Killer Santa” movies think they are transgressive, but Sint (Saint) delivers the goods. More accurately, this is a “Killer Sinterklass” movie that openly mocks the revisionist folklore and cultural appropriation of the Americanized Saint Nicholas. This movie makes up its own wildly subversive history that makes Sinterklass into a murderous apostate who comes back from the grave specifically to kill off children. Did I say this was transgressive? There is some really biting social commentary in this Yuletide Slasher, but the copious gore and body count will have you picking your jaw off the ground.    A Christmas Horror Story (2015)  This anthology of short horror vignettes will sneak up on you and freeze you in your tracks. A jolly radio host tells us ghost stories on Christmas Eve, just like the old tradition. Each of these stories is creepy, but the real horror comes from the how the wraparound story brings the vignettes together into a terrifying social commentary. A bonus: if you’re a monster fan, there is a fantastic beast in this film, too!    The Children (2008)  Just like children are the central focus of the Christmas Holiday, children are ground zero for Christmas Horror movies, too. Most of the time it’s a threat to the children that drives the anxiety. But what if the threat came from the children themselves? Two families spend Christmas together, but the vacation house becomes a hunting ground as the children turn on their parents.     AF: What is in the future for S.A. Bradley?   S.A. B: As well as finishing the new book, I’ll also be lecturing on January 19th at the College of Idaho on “Monsters are Metaphors: How Horror Does Cultural “Shadow Work” and a second lecture called “My Horror Manifesto,” I’ll also be lecturing at the University of the Pacific on February 1st, and there will be a dozen or so convention     S.A. Bradley Podcaster/Writer/Speaker -Hellbent for Horror https://hellbentforhorror.com/book https://www.facebook.com/hellbentforhorror/   https://twitter.com/hellbenthorror   www.hellbentforhorror.com                    

[tombomdom]

[song analysis: silvera by gojira published in 2016]

You can find the complete analysis in this google docs document:

Gojira actively criticizes society itself already in the first line: “quit moaning about fate and change, stand up on your feet and rise.” They show, that society actively neglects growth and change and tries to stay in the “old ways” to protect what they have built up for money. Society likes to complain about everything, knowing well that the problem is themselves.

“with every fall you get the pain you learn the lesson” refers to the pain we receive, the consequences of our actions. Right now in the Ukraine war, we can once again see the failure of politics. China is manipulating their own people, massacres are happening in many places on earth, the escalation of the climate change. As we can see, everyone is suffering and we seem to never “learn a lesson”. We keep making the same mistake over and over again.

So, in the next line Gojira tells us to “start now, open your eyes”. This is the following logical solution to the mistake that everyone keeps making. Just looking away and hoping it will leave us, isn’t the solution.

“Dead bodies falling from the sky” Here we can see a proof of the meaning. The dead bodies symbolize the people who die due to those mistakes. Suicide, murder, death of starvation or dehydration. All of those deaths are caused by society. Another part of the dead bodies are the animals and the nature, that die due to climate change or the greed of factory farming, ect.

“We are the apes with the vision of the killing” This is one the most important parts of this song. The apes are us as humanity, as mentioned earlier. We like to see the “bad things” or the “shocking” things happening, but we don’t seem to do anything about it. We are able to see the killing, but we are just looking and wondering. Taking action costs courage that most people don’t have.

[this is just the summarize the main meaning of the song. More detailed description is above]

Society is a system, that destroys itself. A case of set up to fail. Everyone thinks for themselves and tries to protect themselves. That’s a normal human reaction to everything happening in our world. We are killing our own people, our own environment. Yes, we are slowly killing ourselves. We know what is going on, but we ignore it and hope we aren’t in the generation to experience the harsh consequences. We are “apes”, which is another word for monkey or humanmonkey, who watch the misery without acting. Some are ashamed of what they are doing. Being ashamed is a good trait though, because many people don’t even think about anything anymore. They don’t realize what is actually going on. Some don’t seem to care and the ones who do care are desperate to get others to. We are living in a society full of idiots and it shows. It’s all about morals and love until money and power gets involved. This is exactly what religions and sects deal with. They use their “holy” and “peaceful” reputation, to cover up the mass manipulation and the other horrific things that are going on in their institutions: “your heart is pounding in the brain “. I am not sure, but this line could refer to not being able to think, because you’re involved in a mass manipulation tactic. This doesn’t have to be religious. Anyone can be able to manipulate you. In this case I think Gojira tells us, that society manipulates us all without us knowing.

We are already deep into the manipulation. We are walking backwards in time and loose our minds over things that we could’ve prevented.

So to summarize, we can see that this song is about society and its standards. The perfection of ignoring problems, to the point where we romanticize a situation of shock and terror. The people who criticize this point, are most likely hated by the standards and many people commit suicide, because of the inability to handle this world. Gojira shows how hard it is to even change anything, but to just sit and stare isn’t the right solution. So get up on your feet and rise yall.

[peachysamu]

When Five Turns Into Three

Summary: pillow talking with Makki, these are candid, late night conversations that help you weather the storm of an uncertain future

Word Count: 2.7k

Genre: angst; angst adjacent? there are fluff elements; slice of life maybe? idk help me please; inconclusive ending; heavily inspired by Head in The Clouds by Joji and 88rising; which means this a songfic?

Warning: Implied nsfw, no explicit mention; alcohol consumption; suggestive content

A/n: this was supposed to be dialogue practice. How in the heckle did it get this long?

Your dorm room, 2015

5:12am

The ceiling of your dorm has never been more interesting in your life. What shade of white did your university choose? It’s so, very, characteristically, white. Fascinating.

Okay, you’re lying. In actuality, you’re not quite sure what happens next. Now that you’ve made your morning salutations, you don’t know what to do, but there’s a heavy need to fill the air. If anything, it’s to stop yourself from fixating on his breath so close to your ear.

“That was fun.”

A swell of sheets distorts the sliver of sunlight in your room. Makki then bends an elbow and casually places his head in his palm. “You said you needed some fun. If I remember correctly.”

“You’re right,” There’s a vague memory of you complaining all night to Makki about how exhausted you’ve been with your internship, work, and school in the middle of a party. Alcohol, more moaning and groaning about school, more alcohol, then more moaning and groaning about other things led to this. Yuck. “I guess I did say that.”

“Glad to be of help.”

“Do you do this often?” It’s time to acknowledge this. ‘This’ being whatever Makki tells you ‘this’ is.

“What’s this?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I know what this is.” With his freehand, he brushes the top of your head. “But I want to know what your pretty, little brain is thinking.”

“I don’t know.”

You don’t. Everything feels surreal, even this very moment. It’s like you’ve got your head in the clouds. But Makki waits patiently despite however long it takes.

“A tryst? A one night stand? A hook up? A hit it and quit it kind of deal?”

“Hit it and quit it. Is that what the kids call it these days? I need to incorporate that into my vocabulary.”

“Makki.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll be serious.” His tone betrays him, wispy and light.

“This,” he gestures between the two of your bodies that lay parallel in the same bed, “is something I don’t do often.”

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m being serious! You told me to!” He says as if it means something. The poor pillow wheezes air as his head falls back onto it. “This only happened because I like you.”

You side eye him, “You’re bold in the morning.”

“I’m naked in your bed.” He moves closer to you and the airy puffs that you’ve been trying to ignore reappear across your face. “What else do I have to lose? My pride? That’s Oikawa’s thing.”

You turn yourself, lifting the sheets closer to your chest. It’s the first time you notice the freckles the dapple across his cheeks and over the bridge of his nose. An omen, it is a sign of gentle weather.

“You’re something else, Makki.”

A careful touch traces his cheeks, makes shapes out of dots, and allows Makki to take your hand.

“No shit.”

He leads the way, head in the clouds.

Hanamaki Takahiro dorm room, 2016

2:39am

“I don’t think I’m gonna make it.”

Makki’s dorm is a maze built of fallen clothes and priceless knicknacks collected from random concerts and festivals. Every day must be monsoon season because each time you visit, the confines are rearranged in a different direction. You trip over a poster of a D-list band (but they try really hard, you’ll give them that) until Makki reaches for your hand, saving you.

“Hey, watch our takeout!” Okay, maybe saving your late night dinner.

Giving up, you flop onto the floor. “Ugh, I am never going to drink again!”

“We just turned twenty-one. You can’t say that.” Makki plops himself onto the bed, two hefty bounces reverberate before he unravels a burger from its packaging. “We’ve got our whole life ahead of us.”

“Drinking legally isn’t as fun as when you do it illegally.”

“Oh gods,” Makki sits up so fast it almost triggers a visceral reaction from your esophagus, “who are you and what have you done to my goody two shoes significant other?”

“Shut up.” Your voice is muffled behind a palm because you can’t quite trust your body’s natural reflexes. “I’m no goody two shoes.”

“Straight A student who has never ditched a single college course in their life.” He shoves another bite of the burger before falling back against his bed. “You’ve shown up hungover in club clothes and still took notes.”

“It’s called being studious. I’m just trying to get my life together.”

It takes a crunch of lettuce for Makki to gather himself.

“What do you wanna do? For life, I mean.”

It’s a hefty question. The time it takes you to conjure an answer has Makki elaborating once more. “Like where do you see yourself in five years?”

“In a prominent company. Maybe mid-level position.” You have your life planned out; clear as day, every calculated step leads to the goals you have lying ahead. “I’d want to start soon, get my name out as quickly as possible, and then have children.”

“Hmm.”

Silence manifests another question. You blame the alcohol for thinking this way, and the room darkens into a dreary overcast in fear of his answer.

“How do you feel about children?”

“They’re nice.”

“That’s it?”

Paper crumples as Makki rolls his garbage into a ball. “Maybe one day. Five years from now, but,” the ball arches over you and into the trash in a trajectory that can only be completed through many times of practice; like a pretty rainbow, “I’m just enjoying life. I still feel like a kid myself.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” You sit up and grab a burger from the paper bag. “That’s a problem twenty-six year old us can handle.”

Hanamaki Takahiro apartment, 2017

11:08pm

You’ve been standing here for at least two minutes now with your arms crossed, waiting for Makki to feel the rage he’s conjuring within you. However, the stupid shouts and grunts he makes has your patience running thin.

“Babe, can you keep quiet. I need to get up early in the morning.”

Makki looks up with visible remorse forming on his face. “My bad, babe. I gotta go boys.”

He throws his headset to the side and makes his way towards you.

“My bad,” He rubs your arms and places a kiss on your forehead, “I didn’t mean to keep you up.”

“This is why I don’t like sleeping over sometimes.”

“I know, I know.” He grabs your hand, “Come on, let’s head to bed. I’ll cuddle you to sleep.”

“Are you not tired yet?”

“No.” Despite his words, he slots himself into your comfort with your back pressed against his chest.

You yawn. “Your sleeping schedule is so messed up.”

“Yours is too normal.”

“Because I have a job.”

“Right,” The bristle of your words has him disappear as quickly as he came, “And I do not.”

“No, that’s not what I meant.” You sit up and reach for him, but a cold front passes between you two, rendering him unreachable.

“But you think it.”

“I guess I just don’t understand.” It’s a whispered admission that has Makki’s eyebrows twitch the smallest inch, “Even if you don’t like that job, why don’t you just keep it while you find another? Why do you have to quit?”

It’s never made sense to you, but you’ve never faulted Makki for it. People are different, you have to remind yourself when Makki makes a questionable decision in your eyes. He is fickle with his dreams, feathery and lighter than air. You are steadfast, anchored by the passions that you have carried since you were young.

Makki sits himself up, twisting his neck to take a good look at you. It feels like he’s gauging your worth.

Upon making a decision, he leans his back against the headboard. “I don’t want to waste my time doing something I hate. Because then I’ll get stuck in the capitalist trap. I’d go to work, get home and be too tired to do anything else because doing things you don’t love is draining. So you don’t have any hobbies. You work and sleep and do it all over again. There’s no joy in that.”

He expels a gust of wind from his chest, almost deflating into the cushioning of his bed.

“Okay, okay. I understand.” And snuggle yourself into the crevice of his arm and side. He relinquishes, morphs his body against your own.

You don’t quite get it, but you know you can’t push your ideals on others. You’ve known this about Makki ever since you’ve met him and accepted him for it from the get go. But the floor is raising. The sky is falling. Where does Hanamaki fit?

Hanamaki Takahiro apartment, 2019

12:40am

Flaky bits powder and snow onto your shirt, but thankfully most of it lands in your mouth. “You’ve got it down babe. This is way better than last week’s.”

“Right?” He reaches for his second creampuff. “The secret is in the cream. I added a bit of instant pudding in there.” A bite, he speaks with a mouth half full, “I saw it in a video.”

“Why don’t you become a baker?” You surprise yourself with your ingenuity. It perfectly aligns with his hobbies, “What are they called? Patissier?”

Makki pauses for a moment to give it some thought. It has you on the edge of your seat. Maybe the thought is so revolutionary you’ve paved the course of his future.

“In those white poofy hats?” Makki snorts. “Doesn’t sound like my thing.”

The same answer tests you once more. Today, you believe you might fail.

“Then what does? Where do you see yourself in five years?”

It’s a question you deliberately ask after being questioned it during your biannual performance review. Professionally, you know exactly what is going to happen. You see yourself staying with the same company. Halfway into year two, you visualize yourself overseeing a project which will then catalyze your promotion that should happen within year four. Personally? You know what you want, but your own future teeters on someone who seemingly lacks the foresight to even think two seconds ahead.

“Ideally? Living my best life out in Singapore. I hear the nightlife’s crazy out there.”

“Babe.” You’re not amused.

“What? A guy can dream.”

“That’s all you do.” Just like that, a storm erupts. Makki’s words strike the precise lightning rod you’ve been trying to hide. “You’ve got your head in the clouds. When are you going to come down from up there and live in the real world like the rest of us?”

“Wait, you’re using that against me now? You said you understood.” It’s a pointed accusation that addresses more than offense. There’s hurt and ripples of betrayal at the way his voice emphasizes at the final word.

“For how much longer, babe?” It pains you to even look at him so you turn away. “I’ve been trying to be patient but I’m getting tired of waiting.”

“Not everyone does this at the same pace.” He sounds objectively stable, as if it’s rehearsed. It sounds as if he’s canted this song too many times. “I just need a bit more time.”

You can do that. You just need an answer. “But how much longer?”

“I don’t know. Until I figure it out.”

The tide is turning. Your eyes are burning.

Your apartment, 2021

3:56am

“I’m thirsty.”

“Of course you are.”

The handy glass of water on your nightstand is swallowed in large, desperate gulps. An exaggerated exhale, you note the way Makki’s heavy eyes trail. It bobbles its path up the same way a fly would when coursing upwind. You know you shouldn’t be disappointed at the distant look on his face, but you can’t help the turbulence that manifests within.

“You’re pretty.” He finally says when his gaze lands on you. “I’ve told you that right?”

“You’ve said it before. Once or twice.”

“Gods, I hope I said it more than that. You’re really pretty. Too pretty.”

“Yes, I’m kidding. You’ve said it plenty of times.”

“Good. You’re not sleeping though.” He pokes at the hollows underneath your eyes. “What did I say about getting caught in the capitalist trap?”

“It’s not the capitalists, Makki.” You brush his hand away and it falls to your lap. You let it linger. “You’re the one who showed up at my door at this stupid hour.”

“Right, right. My bad. I had to tell you something, that’s why.”

“At four am?”

“It’s actually three.”

You glance at your alarm clock, its red, bold letters an unwelcome reminder of how little sleep you’re going to get. “Not for long.”

Makki’s head lolls forward. “It was urgent, okay?”

“You don’t look very urgent, Makki.”

“Shh. Shh.” He lifts a hand in time with his head. “Wait a second. Let me talk.”

He takes his time, gathering traction with a large chest full of breath. You don’t know if he does it for courage or if it’s an effort to stall as he accumulates his drunken thoughts. Regardless, you wait for him to unleash whatever has been forming inside of him.

“It’s about my five year plan.” He starts with a smack of the lips. He’s still clearly intoxicated but the way his eyes hold yours reveals it’s the most lucid he’s been. “I can actually expedite it into a three year plan.”

Your stomach churns. Not like this, “Makki…”

“No, wait, wait, wait. Really, listen.” The hand in your lap pats your thighs reminiscent of a toddler begging for their parents’ attention. “I’ve got this all figured out. Remember Watari? He got me a job at the aquarium. It’s not much, but it’s cool. I get to see the fishes and stuff. And they’re super flexible with the hours. I asked them and they told me they’d be willing to work with my school schedule. I’ll go back to school next semester and get my masters so I can actually do something with it. You know, like a good paying job that can afford a house and a family and all that. It’s just two years. I called the admissions office.”

You don’t fail to notice how that detail was particularly slipped in because he knows you. It even means more because he’s drunk. “And then I’ll give myself a year to get situated and then I promise, I’ll be ready.”

Your own heart hurts to hear him this way. Even if this is what you’ve wanted, you never wanted it to be like this. You wanted to share the joy with him rather than feel like the bad guy that has been tugging him along from the other side. It’s why you let him go two years ago.

It takes all of Makki’s strength to lean himself closer to you.

“I want to give you what I cannot do .” Small puffs of his breath kiss your face. “I want this. Me. This is what I want for myself.”

He looks at you, straight at you, so that his eyes may speak more than his tongue can procure. Rigid in tone, you understand him clearly. I want this because of you. Only with you. You.

The gravity of his statement pulls tears down your cheeks. Sorrow must be what Makki reads because he speaks without even letting you.

“Don’t say anything.” And he pulls you down on the bed with him. “Let’s not ruin this. Let me have this, for now.”

When Makki wakes, it is 2pm. Sunlight replaces the space you shared last night, keeping it warm despite it being empty. On the nightstand, he finds you left a note.

See me in three years.

[tanadrin]

Honest question: how do you expect anyone to build a life that will be just fine irrespective of politics?Everything in my life which I’ve used to try and deal with shit has been destroyed by this pandemic, and the country is about to reelect the demagogue whose policy has been making that worse. This isn’t catastrophizing - the situation is a catastrophe. Is the solution just “move to a different country lol?” Because I imagine you know that’s actually rather hard.

if you’re American, and by “reelect the demagogue whose policy has been making that worse” you mean Trump

(if you’re not, and are referring to some other demagogue-led country, ignore this bit)

then I have to point out that 538 is giving Trump about a 12% chance right now, and he’s behind in both national and swing-state polls, and while 12% is not nothing, it is also only a 12% chance. multiply all pessimism contingent on a Trump victory by 12%, and all potential optimism contingent on a Biden victory by 88%. Remember that even a 2016-sized polling error does not give Trump a greater than 50% probability of winning; a Trump victory would require a Dewey-beats-Truman sized polling error, and while that’s happened before (when Truman beat Dewey, natch), it’s happened once before in the era of modern Presidential election polling. The odds right now of Democrats winning the Presidency, holding the House, and having a slim majority in the Senate are at about 70% (again, per recent 538 reporting), so catastrophism about the outcome of the American election is... well, catastrophism! Because the situation the US is facing is not actually catastrophe.

I know dirtbag left doomerism is popular on Twitter these days, but it’s, pardon my uncharitability, fucking stupid and just as divorced from reality as Fox News-poisoned right-wing conspiracism. On balance the likely outcome of this election is Democratic control of the legislative and executive branches, and--though this would be contingent on a strong Dem majority in the Senate, and popular appetite for it--there’s a nonzero chance of Dems packing SCOTUS and having control of all three branches of government. Small chance, to be sure, but far, far larger than it’s ever been in my lifetime.

(and if you think ACB being confirmed means a 99% chance that SCOTUS will steal the election... that is also stupid. the supreme court is only relevant in a handful of very specific circumstances where the election is nearly a tie, and those are not very likely circumstances! it would be very bad if we got Bush v Gore 2.0, yes; and being concerned about SCOTUS picks to avoid that kind of thing is reasonable; but letting fear of that scenario dominate your predictions for how the election will turn out would be extremely fucking stupid. I would put more money on the Dems packing the court in 2021 than I would on the court deciding the 2020 election. Not a lot, you understand; but I’d much sooner bet 50 euro on the former than the latter.)

(again, if you’re not American, ignore all the above; but AFAIK other likely demagogue led-countries you might be from, like Brazil, Poland, Hungary, Russia, the Philippines, and the UK, do not have upcoming elections.)

You build a life with meaning outside of politics the same way you build a life with meaning in general. Dan Savage (yeah yeah I know) talks about this w/r/t people who are lonely and have no short-term, or even long-term, prospects of a romantic relationship. You read, you have hobbies, you make friends, you refuse to let bitterness and rage consume you--and in this day and age, you get off social media, if that’s where your bitterness and rage is coming from--and you develop yourself as a well-rounded person so that if you do stumble into a scenario where a romantic relationship seems possible, you are an interesting and fun person to be in a relationship with, because you have a full and complete life outside that relationship.

So too with any other sphere of life. If thoughts of politics and anger against politicians is consuming your life, fucking stop consuming news about politics. It’s not doing you any good. By all means, vote in elections, even volunteer for political organizations, but also read, cultivate hobbies, make friends, get out of the house, get in shape, learn to bake--find out who you are in all areas of life besides the one making you miserable, in short. Yeah, coronavirus makes all this harder. It doesn’t make any of it impossible. I know it’s driving us all a little crazy--me included, and I’m a married Extremely Online homebody--but it won’t last forever. And you get to choose what to do with yourself in the meantime. You get to choose how consumed with resentment and frustration at the world you’re gonna be. You get to choose every day whether you’re going to let the fear that nothing is possible for you govern your behavior, or whether you’re going to try to accomplish something (however difficult, however small) despite the circumstances around you.

If you write 300 words a day--a short newspaper column--then in six or seven months you’ll have a novel. If you do 20 minutes of exercise a day, in six months you could be in the best shape of your life. If you spend an hour a day playing with Python, in six months you could be a fairly competent programmer. And so on and so forth. Mutatis mutandis, as far as the things you’re actually interested in, but the underlying point holds: just because the world feels like it’s going to hell in a handbasket doesn’t mean you can’t build up your life in other areas. The ‘rona doesn’t stop you from having an online or socially-distanced book club, or from hanging out with friends outdoors, or from getting drunk on raid night with your WoW guild (A++ can recommend, btw).

And if you really can’t, if the anxiety or the anger or the worry or the sheer overwhelming weight of it all means you can’t even manage modest effort in the things you care about, you should assign a much greater likelihood to the possibility that your brain is broken, that your thoughts are lying to you (they do that sometimes!) and that your life might be greatly improved by some combination of anti-anxiety medication/antidepressants and talk therapy. Because God is dead, depressive realism is horseshit, and we have to make our own meaning in the world; and the human brain is, in fact, usually very good at that when it’s firing on all cylinders.

[mashnotesofthemythopoeic]

Fic Masterpost

So, in the spirit of full disclosure - all the X-Files fiction I’ve ever written, as memory serves. And some thoughts on how this fine fandom has taught me to write. 

Starbuck (circa 1998)

I’m not kidding, this is really embarrassing, absolute beginner stuff, but we all start somewhere and it’s interesting in an evolutionary sense. I found these on  Zuffy's X-Files Homepage.

Without The Bee  -  I couldn’t bring myself to look at this one. That title says it all. 

Agents of Change: Return from Antarctica  -  Obsessions—the Scott Expedition and the X-Files—collide. Rough early days, but probably with hints of potential. A legit turkey of a title! 

Penumbra 1998 - 2009

(I’m not going to bother with Gossamer links.) Learning the ropes as I went. Oblivious to so, oh so many things. Rickety, untrained writing, but mindlessly in love with creatively inspired by the churlish charms of our two razzle-dazzle creatures of the night. 

Contact High  -  The last line was plagiarized, pure and simple, from one of Gerald Durrell’s books about his childhood in Corfu. It’s bothered me ever since, so the big thing I took from this experience: by all means steal the rhythm of something, but at least change a word or two. 

Vespers  -  Very stoned ramblings. Inspired by John Leonard’s X-Files essay in The Nation that I’d managed to extract off a microfiche in a university library. I have a soft spot for this fic, probably because Khyber picked it very analytically apart, which was like having Jonathan Galassi or someone suddenly pay attention to you. He introduced me to 'show, don't tell', a paralyzing concept if ever there was one, which I yet only fitfully grasp.

Black Hole Season  -  Still breakin’ all the rules. This one was hugely popular, and amidst all the ballyhoo, Punk Maneuverability emailed me and quietly said: ‘Please pick a POV and a tense and stick with it’—vastly important advice that I was probably too full of myself to heed. This one won a Spooky award, one of the greatest moments of my life that I had to keep completely to myself (therein lies the painful crux of fanfiction.)

Parabiosis  -  I was eating cereal and flipping through the dictionary, and there it was: parabiosis. Who knows what it means. I didn’t have a computer, and was working in the mountains, so I wrote the whole thing out on paper several times, unimaginable now. It flowed through my brain as I scrambled through the woods in the evenings. Nothing will ever be that easy again.

Honeymoon Video  -  Promising title, not much there.

Blue-Sky Conjecture  -  unfinished Scully/Kresge

The Cretan Paradox  -  Americana. JET sent me an ear of corn from a corn maze, because she’s thoughtful like that. 

Free Beer Night at the Astrodome  -  Cut years ago in despair out of Heuvelmans’; I think part of it went back in. 

Fathoms Five  -  In one of Gerald Durrell’s books about his childhood in Corfu, his brother steps in a swamp and says that his shoe is ‘full of fathoms five’, so that’s where I got that Shakespearean misquote. I resisted writing this for a long time, but it would creep into my mind as I was falling asleep. I think this is a pretty good story, but it could have used one more draft, so since then, I’ve resolved never to rush to post. Events of this year kind of date this story now. However, it’s rather pleasant to read about a careless, joint-passing, COVID-free 2020.

Fathoms Five Outtakes and gag reels - Sorry about the glitchy old site and bad font.

A random smut biscuit  -  Uncharacteristic, I know!

Octopods  - I loved this one, but it never fit in anywhere.

Maundy Thursday  

Untitled Snippet 

World’s Tiniest Zombie Fic

∩ds���pɐᴉsᴉnɯ -  Very flawed, because it was written and posted under a fund-raiser time crunch. I really should overhaul it. The X-Files was ending and I was so depressed when I wrote it, and that’s an unfortunate tincture to saddle a story with. 

The Inscrutable Pair  -  How The X-Files taught me to embrace ambiguity. Goreyesque nonsense à la Gashlycrumb Tinies that also troubles itself to rip off Eliot and Homer. 

(7-Year Cold-Turkey Hiatus From the X-Files)

Gave away DVDs, got some perspective, did a little growing up, tried and failed to write a screenplay, two novels, etc. Then they put The X-Files on Netflix. One lonely night, I thought: what could it hurt to watch Darkness Falls? 44 minutes later, with shaking hands, going for the hard stuff—Redux II. Lol, the hard stuff of ancient philes. 

The Mythopoeic*  2016  - 

Heuvelmans’ On the Track - The nearly suicidal heartbreak that surrounds this story—it was the first X-Files fic I got bogged down in and couldn’t finish, and it left me with a huge mental stigma—sweetens its completion. Under its shadow I tried to become a Real Writer, without success. Give things time, I learned. Just keep working hard. The initial failure of this story taught me stuff that I now wouldn’t trade for anything. 

*I came back just intending to hang out with Philes, and didn’t want to make a big deal, and had no intention of posting fic, so I gave little thought to the name. But, characteristically ostentatious name, check. Still keepin’ it real, pure and self-taught, a bit closer to what Chuck Palahniuk calls a ‘kitchen-table MFA’. Check.

But what I really want to say is this. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to try writing if I hadn’t been in this marvelous fandom, having the method and the means demonstrated all around me by wonderfully competent and encouraging writers for whom I felt such reverence that having them reach out or comment on stuff was earth-shaking. They showed the way, and I followed. Hands on my heart, friends, I owe you everything.

[madd-information]

Have you watched Kati Morton's new video about Maladaptive Daydreaming? What do you think about it?

[intro]

For years, I believed maladaptive daydreaming to be a form of dissociation, but it could also be added to the DSM as its own diagnosis, since it does have its own set of unique symptoms. Either way, at this time maladaptive daydreaming is not listed in the DSM as a diagnosable mental illness.

I was concerned because her last couple videos on the topic were very confusing to watch and seemed to conflate MD with the inner-worlds of DID.  It looks like she has done some more research on it and is going to make a more informed video. This is great and I deeply appreciate that she’s taking the time to do a proper dive into this. 

The closest diagnosis would be DPDR, or depersonalization derealization disorder. And this is the diagnosis given to those of us who struggle with dissociation. [explanation of DPDR]

Gonna need you to source that Katie, I’ve never heard an MD researcher say something like this.  When they talk about MD they call it a behavioral addiction with OCD features which is related to dissociative absorption (different from derealization and depersonalization, these two dissociative experiences are not particularly significant in MD, though they can happen.)

These experiences are extremely common. It's estimated that half of all adults have had at least one episode of DPDR. 50% of people. That is a huge amount of people.

Cool but not sure it’s at all relevant to the video topic. 

Also, it's important to mention that in 2016, four researchers put together the Maladaptive Daydreaming Scale, or MDS. This is a 14-item self-reported scale, meaning that you as the patient answers 14 questions based on your own maladaptive daydreaming experience.

It’s a 16 item scale now, it was changed very early on and has been 16 for years.  This is a very small and forgivable knitpick, just fyi. 

The MDS focuses on the content of our daydreams, how intense the urge to continue daydreaming is, and how much it impairs our ability to function in our lives, and the benefits and costs of our daydreaming. I am not personally familiar with this scale, nor have I used it in my practice, but I've linked the research article in the description if you wanna learn more about it.

A good description, and here’s that link again for anyone who wants to read about the finer details of this scale. 

When it comes to maladaptive daydreaming, it isn't just feeling out of body or environment. We can create very intense and detailed daydreams with plots, characters, and very lifelike issues and storylines. Some people will get the plots for their daydreams from their real lives, while others can create a utopian place unlike their current experience.

Yep, decent overview of content, though content doesn’t matter that much.  Also, use of “we”.  Is Katie Morton an MDer or was this a creative choice?  I don’t know, just a passing thought. 

We can find ourselves staying in these daydreams for various amounts of time. And some of my patients have reported staying in them for hours. And many of you have let me know that you struggle to get out of them at all, spending days in this other life that we've created.

Yep, good overview, but more importantly she’s listening to her patients and the feedback of MDers in her audience.

...there are many causes for this, and the first I wanna address is trauma triggers. If we've experienced a trauma in our life, things that remind us of that time or situation can pull us into a flashback, cause us to dissociate, or in many cases push us into our maladaptive daydreams.

When our brain and the rest of our nervous system feels overwhelmed and unable to deal with what's going on in the moment, it can pull us out of our current situation through dissociation. I always talk about that, like our brain pulling the ripcord. And it can also utilize maladaptive daydreaming. It's a way to cope or get through an overwhelming situation when we don't have other skills to help calm our nervous system down. So we just rely on what we know, and that can be daydreaming or dissociating. It's almost like this coping skill protects us from having to feel traumatized again and so it takes us away, you know, drops us into a much safer and happier place.

Trauma is always talked about first when people do overviews of MD.  She’s not wrong but just to add more information;  about a quarter of MDers report trauma, the other 75(ish)% don’t.  It’s a significant number but trauma is not the only pathway to MD.  Sometimes people walk away from these videos feeling like “well, I don’t have any trauma, maybe I don’t really have MD”.  That’s not a comment on what Katie has presented, she does go into other things below, just adding on.

Another cause or trigger can be high levels of stress or anxiety. We can slowly feel ourselves become more and more overwhelmed until our brain pulls us out of our reality and into a new one, aka our maladaptive daydreams. In short, we can want to stay in these daydreams to feel better and safer, but it can get in the way of us functioning in our life.

Yep

[audience anecdotes]

...Which is why even the term maladaptive daydreaming is used. Maladaptive means it's not providing adequate or appropriate adjustment to the environment or situation. So the daydreaming is only holding off the bad things. It's not actually making anything better or helping us process any of the upset. It's really just a temporary check-out, which can be helpful sometimes, but if it's happening all the time or making it hard for us to focus at work, school, or with our friends and family, we should find other, better ways to cope.

Exactly.

Which moves us into how we can better cope so that we don't get sucked into our daydreams for hours, days, or even weeks. And first up is mindfulness. Now, I know that term is overused now and super annoying but in order for us to know when we even need to use other coping skills, we have to know when the daydreaming urges are happening. So often we aren't aware of what we were feeling or thinking until it's too late and we're already pulled into our daydream. And at that point it's more difficult or even impossible for us to pull ourselves out. Therefore, we have to start being more aware of what we're going through.

[continues explanation]

Perfection.

And so next is figuring out ways to calm our system down. This can take the form of a distraction technique like going for a walk or organizing a part of our home, coloring, watching a show, playing a video game, you name it. These calming things could also be more process-based, things like journaling or talking to your therapist or a friend about it, or even using an impulse log. [Continues with calming things]

Good examples, MD researchers specifically recommend keeping a log.

We're also going to have to find some coping skills that we can use when we're starting to feel overwhelmed and wanting to go back into the daydream. Maybe we hold an ice cube in our hands, clap our hands, count the number of things in the room that are blue, brown, black… whatever works for you, do it.

Good stuff. 

And it's okay for something not to work. We just have to try it to know and then move on to something else.

Important point to make, happy to see this. 

Once we have a few things that work, write them down in your phone or on a post-it note so that you can see it and be reminded when you need it. We will also need to come up with some ways to pull ourselves out of the daydream. And I know this is gonna be harder and we may even wanna call upon helpful and supportive people in our lives to assist us.

Good advise. 

We could, because it's our daydream, right, we could put a big door in our daydream and we can choose to go through it and pull ourselves out, or have people in the daydream that remind us of our real life and tell us to go back.

A good suggestion.  Q, on the Parallel Lives Podcast (I can’t remember which episode off the top of my head), did something like this by turning to his characters and saying “ok, take 5 guys, we’ll pick it up at xtime”, and many people have found that to be a clever and helpful method. 

Now, I know this is really, really hard… which rolls into my final tip, which is to work with a therapist to heal from the trauma or to learn how to better cope with the anxiety or stress we're feeling. Working to heal or process through the reason our maladaptive daydreaming exists in the first place will ensure that we don't need it anymore.

Absolutely seek professional support if you can. 

... if we heal the issue we're struggling to cope with, the urge to use those unhelpful coping skills will go away altogether.

[outro]

I think this last point will frighten a lot of MDers.  It’s probably the brevity of the video that didn’t allow her to really expand on this, and I certainly don’t want to put words into her mouth that she may not have intended.  Don’t be afraid of losing your MD.  “Curing” Maladaptive Daydreaming does not mean “I’ll never see my world again.”  You’ll always have the capacity to daydream like this, you were born this way, but it *doesn’t* have to be maladaptive. Like overeating, you will never not eat, you will fix your relationship with food. 

Good video overall, brief but accurate and includes the standard helpful advise. 

[washymylifeaway]

KyouHaba Fanfic recs

Hiya! How much do I love KyouHaba? Yes. This is one of my favorite ships and one of my comfort ships <3 KyouHaba has got some amazing fics, so even if they aren’t really your thing, you should still read this :D Anyway, onto the recs!

As always, pls check WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARIES for fics before reading (esp since KyouHaba usually deals with darker topics and not all of them tag/warn for it!) and make sure you’re taking care of yourselves (since mental health is key!) Stay healthy loves <3

CP:

Close to the Chest by darkmagicalgirl (T) 61.1k // THIS ONE man anyway I just love the progression of their relationship and the way this fic is written! The way we really go into who Yahaba is really what makes this fic great! Also there's some slightly ~angsty~ IWAOI so look out for that hehe.

Police Dog by surveycorpsjean (E) 34.9k // if you’re super against like any *furry* implications, pass this one LOL. But TBH I don’t like furries, but this one was pretty great (hence why it’s here LOL) and they make me laugh. Also I really like some of the head cannons for Kyoutani in this one and the writing style is super freakin’ good, so it’s definitely worth the read~~~ Pls CHECK TAGS AND WARNINGS cause there are a couple REAL spicy scenes in this one ;)

Team Mom by All_My_Characters_Are_Dead (T) 2.7k // so as I was going through this tag (because that’s what I do LOL), I remembered this fic and I love it. Like yes Yahaba is the fear factor and yes Kyoutani is the DAD. I really like the team dynamics in this one, and the first years make me laugh pls.

Camellias by kiyala (T) 1.9k // I love this fic and when I starting looking for this ship, it was the first one I thought of hehe. I really love magic and their interactions are so cute and the PLANTS ARE DOING THE MOST. Pls read both in the series, cause domestic KyouHaba is best KyouHaba ngl LOL. I love the plants, and if you read the second one, someone tell the trees to stop bullying Yahaba.

Sixth Time’s the Charm by tsumekakusu (T) 2k // ok THIS was SO FREAKING funny, please Yahaba how dumb can you get LOL. The number thing made me facepalm so hard, but the ending was cute and that’s all that matters, right?

Sleep by GangstaCrow (T) 5.5k // the plot twist…. omg…. I had to pause and take a moment of silence for the people suffering because of LL… Poor Kyoutani….. But this is a really funny but cute fic at the same time :D

a little bit funny, this feeling inside by postcanons (G) 5.4k // PLEASE THIS ONE omg crow matchmaker ftw. Like I said, I really love magic and this one is just so freaking funny. Also, very informational curtesy of one Kyoutani Kentarou.

meet me at the fucking pit (and let me hold your hand) by anyadisee (T) 5.4k // IF THE TITLE ISN’T MAKING YOU LAUGH ALREADY WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING????? (JK but am I really?) This was SO funny and it KILLED me,,, like all the conspiracies and how everyone was so seriously invested in it. Yes, CHAOS.

if not, winter by knightswatch (M) 54k // YES THIS FIC. THIS ONE RIGHT HERE. I love the development of their relationship,,, IT’S SO GOOD. Like when our boy Yahaba goes on that really friendly field trip and Kyoutani takes matters into his own hands? UGH YES. And when they visit? CUTE OMG. Yes this fic is it.

Isolated Parts by darkmagicalgirl (T) 3.3k // I love this fic cause old men KyouHaba are funny (fight those refs) and I love the nonlinear plot. It really adds another layer to the fic itself, and slowly unraveling the plot through the different years was SO IUAHFJF. I really loved it and piecing everything together :’)

Magicked by HoneyBeeez (T) 8.4k // CHECK TAGS, I love KyouHaba Hogwarts fics, and this one is SO good! We do love some slightly oblivious Yahaba and fake delinquent Kyoutani LOL. Though there is some violence and homophobia so if that puts you off, steer clear of this fic :)

stardust by InkCaviness (G) 1.4k // like I said, in love with KyouHaba and hogwarts fics, anyway,, this one was so short and sweet! It’s full of fluff, and honestly, if you like KyouHaba, read this entire series cause I really love these KyouHaba works :’)))))

New:

knightswatch // GREAT writer, but most of their KyouHaba works are explicit/mature, so be careful as you go through their works! My fav T one? all you have is your fire by knightswatch (T) 6.4k, but they’ve written some of the best KyouHaba I’ve read (they’re just mostly M)!

kiyala // another amazing writer and their works usually alternate between G and E LOL. But, all of their Gs are amazing, and rn my favorite was between Room To Grow by kiyala (G) 50k or Cost by kiyala (G) 1.1k cause it was either secret doggy relationship or magic LOL. But all of their fics are worth reading, and there’s a large variety of AUs!

snoqualmie // I love this writer, but they don’t have much KyouHaba (enough that I would put them here though LOL) My favorite? Mixed Signals by snoqualmie (T) 7.8k // it’s a really cute fic and I love the hc that Kyoutani has the good family! It has like a semi continuation (I think it’s in the same verse as it), but Jan. 6 features the sisters again! (Also yes for veggie fiend Kyoutani,)

tale as old as time by crossbelladonna (series) 30.2k // AHH this series is fully of such good KyouHaba fic!!!! I really love all of them but my favorite is through open doors by crossbelladonna (T) 4.3k // I love soulmate AUs and salty Yahaba is best Yahaba. Also at the end when the coffee incident happens, I love Kyoutani :’)

Words Not Spoken by Dogsocks (series) 51.5k // this is a continuous fic series (meaning all the fics are in the same verse and related to one another), but it’s so FREAKING good and I love reading it!!! It’s got some mentions of ABUSE, and things like that so please read the tags carefully!!!

kyouhaba week by InkCaviness (series) 6.7k // I loved KyouHaba week (all of them are just such AMAZING fics and tropes) and my favorite from this list was stardust by InkCaviness (G) 1.4k // I mentioned what I loved from it above, but it truly is a great fic :D

Kyouhaba Trash Week 2016 by HoneyBeeez (series) 28.9k // all three of these fics are SO good. I literally cannot choose a favorite because I loved all of them :’) Like no joke, just go read all of them because singing Kyoutani? Yes please. And also like the tattoo one was SO ajksdhfkjshdfjkln I LOVED IT AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE HOSPITAL ONE. I loved loved loved the ending, and her going to the school? UGH ADORABLE. These fics were some of my absolute favorite KyouHaba fics!

Venom and Vulnerability by darkmagicalgirl (E) 48.3k // OAAJKSFNKJ I LOVE THIS ONE YES. The concept? AMAZING. Execution? FLAWLESS. This is a GREAT fic and it’s done SO WELL,,,, I realllllly loved the plot in this and their teamwork is making the dream work! WARNING check the tags and warnings cause there’s smut, (non kinky) bondage, and death!

it's tradition. by hicsvntdracones (T) 5.5k // this fic made me want to die from second hand embarrassment. GOD, the awkwardness and really the way they went HARD on those dares PLEASE. If you don’t mind feeling embarrassed (and even if you do) go read this fic cause it’s V funny and the comedy factor cancels out the embarrassment LOL (does it? That’s what I’m tellin myself LOL).

An Equivalent Exchange by Chibs (E) 14.5k // PLEASE THIS WAS FUNNY,,,, like chill Kyoutani, Yahaba is trying his hardest okay? BUT NOT HARD ENOUGH anyway it’s a happy ending in the long run and no one dies :D how nice is that <3 (but the baby agenda? yessssir.)

The Wall Thing by rideahorse (M) 6.8k // THE TENSION :0,,, but I love how many fics go based on that one KyouHaba wall slam in the middle of the Karasuno match LOL. Also, I love the dynamics they have in this one and the way fighting ~is their communication~ Some smut is here so WARNING and they do something about the tension LOL obviously :))) Constantly curing KyouHaba is good, happy Kyouhaba.

Sixteen by surveycorpsjean (E) 13.4k // Yahaba is a basic btch and Kyoutani does football LOL. Honestly, I think that’s a pretty good summary (jk) but what’s a fic without some good tension ;) Also, cheerleader Yahaba lives in my brain rent free and I would like to propose it live in your head as well :D Aren’t I such a kind soul~

Safe in Your Hands by shions_heart (T) 8.9k // um soft KyouHaba? I think yes,,,, this also do be a common trope in the KyouHaba realm, but I’m not complaining,,,, it’s a good trope :) There IS ABUSE in this fic so big warning here! Check the tags and warnings! But the real mvp is the girl on the bus and points to Yahaba for playing spot the difference unintentionally.

The Sweetest Smile by FindingSchmomo (T) 6.6k // cake making! Yes! Bakery! Yes! It’s a great time and think about it, Kyoutani, our baby, working in a bakery making cakes? UGH my heart :’D Yes Oikawa is right, a cute grumpy puppy making flowers (CUTE VERY CUTE) and it doesn’t help that Kyoutani looks like a total bad boy in this fic too :DDDDDD

wear your love like it's made of hate by parenthetic (renaissance) (T) 3.3k // we are starting this off with the alt title totally worked and I would’ve read it either way LOL. Also, the ending was funny and thinking about why everyone was wearing it would’ve been so confusing to the other teams (also shout out to Yahabas line and Kyoutani calling his eyeliner a whore). But yes to random sexual tension, this is KyouHaba nation.

captain's orders by whitemiists (G) 3.7k // okay we love Watari in KyouHaba nation (surprised I haven’t talked about loving Watari yet but better now than never right?), but also Yahaba being messenger for Kyoutani (baby first years are ajhsajdfh). I love this trope and also I love rooftop lunch crew is yes :D

Running In Place by cleiioo (T) 33.3k // GUYS OMG THIS FIC. CAUTION ABUSE AND RUNNING AWAY AND BAD PARENTS SELF DEPRECATION I COULD GO ON BUT BOTTOM LINE IS BE CAREFUL READ TAGS! This fic is UGHHH YES. First, twenty questions make another appearance, and DUCKS. Yes, ducks. But this fic is just written really well, and honestly Kyoutani might be a tad bit ooc, but it’s okay, you don’t even notice. Distracted by the amazing writing :)

Something About Fate by patteh (T) 4.6k // SOULMATES! And then they were soulmates :D I love a good soulmate denial AU, and this is no exception. I loved Yahana’s backstory in this, and I think it set up a great framework for the plots progression! Also, the ending was really cute (and we all know, I’m a sucker for a cute ending :D)

toeing the line by masi (T) 2.7k // the mcDonalds cause WE’RE LOVING IT! But this was a fun read cause a. it goes pretty fast and b. communication exists? ANyway, I like the ending cause Yahaba is one smooooooth btch! It’s just a lot of banter (playful and not), and I’d read tags jic for this fic :)

bumblebee by shizuoh (T) 1.5k // he got sht on by a bumblebee. Points for creativity Yahaba, points. But this is just a fun, random AU where pepperoni on pizza is a universal aggrievance (esp the infused on cheese kind,,, I feel you Yahaba), we disown furries (for good reason), and you confront people staring at you! This IS a flirting 101 textbook. (also yes Yahaba, murder Mattsun!)

The art of fighting in heels by boxofwonder (T) 8.7k // yeah don’t question this fic. It’s like,,, you just kinda,,,, well,,,,,, I mean who doesn’t want to read about Iwa fighting in heels? Like you’re not thinking about magical guy Iwa? Maybe you should. (the way the summary has nothing to do with KyouHaba, I swear they’re a main component, but no thoughts just Iwa in sailor moon cosplay.)

yahaba vs. the miyagi captains by blessings (T) 3.7k // I love this hc and I wish there was more of it because Yahaba picking fights with everyone is fun and I like the chaos :D Like honestly, the creativity of some of the burns? Just amazing, it filled me with serotonin. I’m not kidding :0 But like, Kyoutani having to make sure that he doesn’t go overboard was askfkahf.

Love the One You Hold by shions_heart (T) 3k // f tough KyouHaba, I’m here for the soft, loving KyouHaba. Like mushy feelings KyouHaba, the kind which makes me feel singler than I already am single. Reassuring of feelings and ajsfdhla KyouHaba. The ending is KYAAA!!! Caution for implied bad parents!

a thousand and one roses by rorarot (T) 3.4k // I love florist Kyoutani and it’s honestly a crime I didn’t recommend more florist Kyoutani fics :( Points for the pun, Yahaba, points. Also, the progression of their relationship was YES, and this fic was SUPER cute :D

It Takes Two by Poteto (G) 24.1k // IT’S COHESIVE KYOUHABA WEEK! I really loved this fic and I enjoyed how they incorporated each prompt into each day! There is homophobia and running away so be careful when reading this fic, and check the tags!

So I Like Your Dog by helloyesIamtrash (G) 4.8k // FIRST, this is within a series of soulmate AU fics (all in the same verse) and SECOND, this was really good! I loved the way Yahaba’s family are a bunch of late bloomers and how YAHABA DIDN’T LET THE MF RUN AWAY. Yes communication, WE LOVE AND STAN.

but tonight i'll need you to stay by InkCaviness (G) 2.2k // the feels were strong with this one :’( Pushing my SOFT KyouHaba agenda. But I LOVE this one for the feels and also because they don’t dance around it. Just straight forward, random a confessions. It’s a great time. But also, I can’t believe he slipped LOL.

Down River Road by carafin (G) 4.4k // I love list fics, I think they’re great and I think I might just have a thing for lists in general (LOL). But also, I love the growth both of them undergo over time and the interactions with Oikawa in KyouHaba fics are always fun :)

I (Heart) You by darkmagicalgirl (T) 3.6k // I really like this fic. Like REALLY like/love. Maybe it’s the ending where Yahaba goes ham on that one guy. Or maybe it’s the magic. I think it’s just cause it’s written spectacularly. But no seriously, it’s a great fic and I really loved the AU :D

Five Times Kyoutani Failed to Say 'I love You' (And One Time He Didn't) by patteh (T) 3k // a 5+1! Yes! TBH I don’t understand the importance of saying ily to your significant others (maybe it’s just because I don’t understand romance very well LOL someone explain it to me), but if it’s important to them, IT’S IMPORTANT TO ME. Also, Kyoutani is dog agenda, full force ahead.

Baby steps (or 'Yahaba's guide to applying eyeliner on a grumpy puppy') by ghostsgf (G) 1.5k // more Yahaba and eyeliner fics! Of course :D If you can’t tell, KyouHaba nation and I really love Kyoutani + eyeliner, so yes. Eyeliner. But also, fractured arms and toilet adventures!

baby don't hurt me by orphan_account (M) 4k // LET ME BEGIN THIS WITH THE A/N AT THE END. YES I AGREEEE. Also SMUT alert but like nothing really happens? And again, while I don’t 100% get the ily thing, this one makes more sense to me and I can see why Yahaba got angry. We love crying boys though ahaha.

Retrograde by dreyars (T) 19.5k // AJFJLSFJLASD ANGST THE ANGST AND I- I love amnesia fics, they have such GREAT angst potential (which was totally used in this fic YES!) and UGH this fic. The feels you go through while reading this but ALSO THE ENDING! YES I LOVE. IN LOVE. THEY’RE IN LOVE YOUR HONOR.

restless by Crawlingthroughashes (T) 2.4k // PLEASE the petty Yahaba agenda is back and the way I ajfhdjkadshlf when he started his plan. BRB CRYING (of laughter ofc). Also the CONFRONTATION. Smooth Yahaba, oh so very mf smoooooth (very much so nailed it). Sugar high trick-or-treater in bunny slippers.

The Time Yahaba gained a boyfriend by sammysosa157 (T) 3.8k // PLEASE I saw the post for this fic and it was SO funny! I really loved this prompt, and the execution of it was done really well. Boo for weird food combinations, though ig if you’re in college and you’re broke, you gotta do what you gotta do :/

wanna give you a kiss by Slumber (T) 2.8k // kith give kithes muah muah (omg I’m so sorry you had to read that no regrets tho ahaha only shame). But this fic is SO cute and boyfriend chicken is fun :D Like the fluff in this fics is just so AJKKJAF and like Watari knows best.

Touch by tetskuroo (T) 2.4k // aihdjk PLEASE. This is SOFT! KYOUTANI! and non a hole but pushy! YAHABA! There is HUGGING cause WHY NOT! But the soft Kyoutani agenda is getting pushed hard today LOL. I mean the mans starts to turns the waters works ons. What more could you possibly need? (other than a cuddle session cause why tf not >:( and me to write normally LOL)

what the night does to the day by deathbyglamour (G) 9.9k // AHH HOGWARTS! I realized I forgot to add this fic to the Hogwarts list and I was so angry at myself. The potion version of our get along shirt :) I loved this fic and their relationship development was lovely :DDDD

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back by Asimi_Shadowborn (T) 30.6k // I love magic AUs and this was ahdjsjjfjs. The trope was amazing, the execution was flawless, and the communication? Nearly nonexistent just how we like it :’) it’s a great read and you’ll regret nothing.

Baby, I bought a dragon by tetsuskitten (T) 1.1k // AJKSFHKJ WITCHES. I love them being witches/warlocks cause IT’S AN AMAZING TROPE DUH. But like the dragon made me laugh, the conman Kuroo is KJAFN. But yes, THERE’S ANOTHER FIC AND IT’S AJSHKJASF YES READ <33333 (why didn’t I just put it as a series, cause I forgot and then I got lazy, leave me be.)

Thorne-blessed by fish_wifey (T) 19.4k // (again, another that HAS ANOTHER FIC but then I was too lazy to transport it up to the series section deal with it.) But THIS YES. First tattoo artist Kyoutani is a sight to see. But also, Yahaba is baby. And like the ending of how it all got resolved was so satisfying and the conflict execution was really creative :D CAUTION FOR THIS ONE, some bullying and violence-ish!

what a wonderful kind of day by qingting (G) 1.2k // PLEASE. I love it when Kyoutani talks to animals, it fills me with joy. But also, ofc points to Yahaba for the new nickname, dog whisperer. Cute and I like it more than Mad Dog chan. Also, Kyoutani’s thoughts on Yahaba were funny and are worth the read LOL. I like pats too, Shiromaru.

what becomes of broken hearts by plumtrees (T) 8.1k // OOOOF some angst right here. Like I’m in paiiiiiiin. But you should read it so we can be in pain together :’D Like the way we had to witness the falling out AND the break up to be happy again. UGH. Just don’t think too much and jump in.

we both know what we know by Slumber (E) 4.7k // UHH EXPLICIT FOR A REASON LIKE WITHIN THE FIRST SECTION I THINK BUT THEN IT CONTINUES AHHAHA. But also, riling Kyoutani up and just teasing him in general? Fun times (at least Yahaba thinks so LOL). But like also, random thought but the comments on the (fake) IwaOi divorce made me laugh LOL.

new constellations by thealmostviki (G) 4.3k // reincarnation AU, but it’s like non linearish! It’s really good and the writing is very eloquent :D I really loved this fic and the ending was UGH adorable! I love references and the way they still feel things in the next lives :’) Milk and honey guys, milk and HONEY.

FINALLY DONE. WHEW. I hope you all enjoyed these fics, and ik my commentary got/was super bad but pls just pretend like you’re not seeing it. I swear once upon a time it was informational but now it’s just me writing random sht down LOL. Again, I love KyouHaba so this honestly was a lot of fun to make (even if I kept complaining about it) and I ended up not splitting the list hence why it’s so long! I hope I made all of you into KyouHaba lovers cause it’s one of my favorite ships :D

[nanapandaz]

Cognitive Impairment in Schizophrenia

Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, I can’t diagnose you. If you think you have a mental illness please reach out to your doctor or a mental health professional.

For schizophrenics like myself, some of the most stigmatized, and sensationalized symptoms are the positive ones, meaning delusions, hallucinations, and movement disorders to some extent. You see them in textbooks and in the media; seeing, hearing, smelling or feeling things that aren’t real. Believing strange ideas, and this is my own example, like that the alien government lizard people are coming after you. These draw the most attention from the public eye, and I can’t blame them, alien government lizard people is pretty out there. But what about the less talked about symptoms such as negative and cognitive symptoms? Well, this essay will examine the cognitive side of a schizophrenia diagnosis.

According to Columbia University (2016), “many people with [Schizophrenia] also have cognitive deficits, including problems with short- and long-term memory.” They go on to say that cognitive factors can be the most disabling for people, leading to difficulty holding down a job and maintaining social relationships. They don’t have many answers as to the cause or cure for memory problems. Sucks to be us I guess. I personally have a plethora of issues with memory, short term and long term. I find myself lost when the dialogue of TV shows gets even slightly complicated because I immediately forget what was said, maybe that’s just me but it takes a toll on my self-esteem when I can't follow slightly complicated dialogue. But anyway, back to memory. Apparently when a group of healthy controls were compared to a group with schizophrenia, the healthy group, unsurprisingly, did better at memory tasks. In fact the health control groups brains showed increased brain activity the tests got harder and decreased activity when it got easier while the people with schizophrenia showed significantly weaker activity across the board.

According to Bowie and Harvey (2006) cognitive symptoms are the central feature of schizophrenia. As well as that these impairments may even present before the emergence of positive symptoms. They also found that there were “moderate deficits in attention, verbal fluency, working memory, and processing speed, with superimposed severe deficits in declarative verbal memory and executive functioning.” What is executive functioning? Well to quote Goodman (2021), “[e]xecutive functioning skills help you get things done. These skills are controlled by an area of the brain called the frontal lobe.” Things executive functioning helps you do is “manage time, pay attention, switch focus, plan and organize, remember details, avoid saying or doing the wrong thing, do things based on your experience, and multitask” (Goodman, 2021).

I’ll cover some ways to deal with executive dysfunction in a later essay.

Most people with schizophrenia will show some kind of cognitive impairment, but the severity will vary across different people. One interesting thing about these cognitive impairments is that they will remain relatively stable over time. There are some different types of impairments that I will summarize.

General Intelligence

I take some offence at the description that all people with schizophrenia have lower IQ’s, I mean there are/were some very smart people with it, like John Nash, or the people Cernis, Vassos, Brebion, McKenna, Murray, David & MacCabe (2015) studied, finding that there is “a high-IQ variant of schizophrenia that is associated with markedly fewer negative symptoms than typical schizophrenia” However the science seems to be overwhelmingly favourable in the direction that people with it have lower IQ’s as a group. On the other hand, I don’t know what kind of people they picked for their healthy control group, because if they were all university grads then it’s not really fair. So take this with a grain of salt. While the tests say that we are as a group, less intelligent than the “general” population it doesn’t mean you specifically are not intelligent. We can be just as successful as anyone else.

Attention

This one is simple, people with schizophrenia have a deficit in their ability to maintain their attention, this occurs even before the first psychotic episode.

Working memory

I have a terrible working memory, bad enough for it to be considered a learning disability. However I’m not alone in this, many people with schizophrenia have some kind of dysfunction in working memory, and apparently specifically verbal working memory. Bowie and Harvey (2006) state that “Working memory can be conceptualized as the ability to maintain and manipulate informative stimuli.” This is in contrast to attention span, with working memory being more cognitively challenging and attention span being more simple. In working memory, “The information must be held online for processing, but does not necessarily transfer to long-term storage, unlike episodic memory” (Bowie and Harvey, 2006). And poor memory can even affect social and interpersonal relationships because of the inability to pay attention to “multiple streams of information” Bowie and Harvey, 2006).

Verbal fluency

People like us sometimes find it rather difficult to speak in a coherent fashion, I remember many instances where I’ve tried to speak only for word salad to spill out of my mouth, and the looks of confusion and worry on other peoples faces is just great, really what I wanted to happen, not embarrassing at all. This inability to speak is due to “poor storage of verbal information as well as inefficient retrieval of information from semantic network” (Bowie and Harvey, 2006). Furthermore, "information that is stored is not always retrieved as a result of this inability to properly access semantic networks” (Bowie and Harvey, 2006).

Verbal and learning memory

A main impairment of schizophrenia is the difficulty of retaining verbal information. From what I understand, recognition memory seems to be able to work well in most cases, but “the pattern of deficits in schizophrenia tends to be reduced rates of learning over multiple exposure trials and poor recall of learned information” (Bowie and Harvey, 2006). So basically it takes a while for us to learn something but once we do we have good recognition memory. Now, recognition memory is the ability to recall something when you’ve seen it before, so I think what happens is if you’re able to process the information into long term memory you’ll be able to recall when you encounter that information again. Maybe I’m totally wrong, I don’t know.

Executive functioning

Now most schizophrenics have difficulties with most of all of the processes involved with executive dysfunction. Bowie and Harvey (2006) say that “schizophrenia patients have trouble adapting to changes in the environment that require different behavioral responses” which is directly due to issues with executive dysfunction. Furthermore, this “inflexibility” is highly associated with what Bowie and Harvey call “occupational difficulties.” This makes sense, when someone can’t plan, practice self-care, engage in social and interpersonal matters or participate in community functions, it’s gonna take a toll on your work life.

Treatment

Atypical antipsychotics seem to be the best treatment for cognitive impairments, though the results are sorta weak, Bowie and Harvey (2006) admit that “they have had very limited, if any, success in producing cognitive improvements. However, the search for new compounds designed specifically for cognitive enhancement in schizophrenia continues to be a promising area for future research.”

However there is also behavioural treatments, but there isn’t a lot of research on this topic. On the other hand, what little research there is, is very promising. “These strategies include training on computerized tasks similar to existing cognitive tests, teaching new learning strategies, training on novel tasks, and/or performing tasks repetitively” (Bowie and Harvey, 2006).

In the end, it seems that a combination of medication and therapy is the key. On the other hand, research by Everding (2005) states that “memory problems in schizophrenia can indeed be reduced and suggests that helping people use the right memorization strategy is critical to success.” The right strategies seem to be to remember more ‘deeply’ or according to Jantzi, Mengi, Serfaty, et al., (2019) to engage in retrieval practice, also Antzi, Mengi, Serfaty, et al.’s (2019) study is “the first to demonstrate that retrieval practice is also superior to restudy in improving later recall in patients with schizophrenia presenting with episodic memory impairment.” This is great news for us because it presents a real way of improving our memories, which apparently most of us need.

REFERENCES

Study finds brain marker of poor memory in schizophrenia patients: possible key to understanding and treating cognitive symptoms of the disease, (2016). Columbia University. Retrieved from https://www.cuimc.columbia.edu/news/study-finds-brain-marker-poor-memory-schizophrenia-patients

Bowie, C. R., & Harvey, P. D. (2006). Cognitive deficits and functional outcome in schizophrenia. Neuropsychiatric disease and treatment, 2(4), 531–536. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2671937/

Černis ,E,. Vassos, E,. Brébion, G,. McKenna, PJ,. Murray, RM,. David, AS,. MacCabe, JH. (2015). Schizophrenia patients with high intelligence: A clinically distinct sub-type of schizophrenia? Eur Psychiatry. (5):628-32. Retrieved from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25752725/

Gerry Everding (2005). Memory study shows brain function in schizophrenia can improve with support, holds promise for cognitive rehabilitation: need cues, memory aids. Washington University. Retrieved from https://source.wustl.edu/2005/07/memory-study-shows-brain-function-in-schizophrenia-can-improve-with-support-holds-promise-for-cognitive-rehabilitation/

Jantzi, C., Mengin, A., Serfaty, D. et al. (2019). Retrieval practice improves memory in patients with schizophrenia: new perspectives for cognitive remediation. BMC Psychiatry 19, 355. Retrieved from https://bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12888-019-2341-y#citeas

Goodman, B. (2021). Executive function and executive dysfunction disorders. WebMD. Retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/executive-function

[ectonurites]

for the character headcannons ask game, jason and cass?

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT im putting this one under a cut because it got SUPER long bc i cant shut up ever

lets start w jason

A (realistic headcanon): 

ok using the ‘realistic’ category here loosely but GOD i love the idea of Damian & Jason having interacted while Jason was staying with the League before getting dunked in the Lazarus Pit. like. this obviously would need to be set more in preboot and following the Lost Days & Batman Annual 25 version of Jason’s resurrection, but god the idea of it just makes me scream in a good way. Like... these are things Jason likely doesn’t remember very clearly once he’s brought back to life more fully by the pit because he was uh pretty catatonic, but Damian being a little kid and knowing about the boy that his mother keeps around the base, that she’s trying to help bring back to health. Damian not even knowing that’s his big brother, just that he’s a presence that shares his mother’s attention. Jason again being unresponsive but like, ok god you know that part of lost days where Talia shows the others observing him that he only fights back at those he perceives as genuine threats trying to hurt him, 

Because Jason can perceive that she’s safe, she’s not actually trying to hurt him, he trusts her because she saved him? thinking about lil child Damian who is ya know already being trained in fighting stuff and like the idea of him trying to provoke Jason just to see what happens but Jason not fighting back because on some level be it his connection to Talia or even little baby Damian visually reminding him of Bruce, he knows that Damian is safe too 🥺 

and then when Jason and Damian meet again in Gotham as Red Hood & Robin respectively, Jason not really remembering because there was so much going on back then for him, but Damian realizing that oh... that was Him

B (hilarious): 

alright so if we are looking at comics currently, in modern stuff jason is what, like 22? hes old enough to drink in the US but still definitely early 20s so around my around my age, thats what im using as a basis here. if we adjust timeline and still consider his death having happened when he was 15, that puts it around 2013. and then coming back to like interacting with people about three years later if we still kinda base things off of the preboot timeframe (since we never got a super solid retelling of the timeline of death -> resurrection -> training -> tries to get revenge aside from knowing he went to the all-caste instead of the lost days version of the story) making him reenter the regular world and stuff around age 18 in 2016. meaning a solid three years of pop culture that he was entirely missing, and like im sorry but he really doesn’t strike me as the type to bother looking into what he missed, he’s kinda busy focusing on other stuff. lets take a quick look at some major things from those years. 2013 gave us ‘what does the fox say’ and ‘the harlem shake’ . 2014 had that time U2 just put a fuckin album on everyone’s phones, The Fault In Our Stars movie came out. 2015 introduced the phrase ‘Netflix and Chill’ and the whole blue & black vs gold & white dress debate happened. imagine any of the other batkids (or even arguably roy during rhato stuff) bringing these things up and jason’s ensuing confusion. thank you for your time

C (heart-crushing): 

so. there are two specific instances from rebirth era Jason i want to bring up here and much like a lot of these it’s less a headcanon and more of an inference based on observations, but i wanna take a sec to discuss Jason’s relationship with other people’s death. early in rebirth, Tim ‘dies’ from that whole thing in detective comics. he didn’t actually die, we as readers know, but in-universe they all very much so thought he was dead. frustratingly a lot of the batfam wasn’t really shown mourning him aside from in the Detective Comics Rebirth title itself (which just. when a major character dies even if its temporary- that should have a ripple effect) BUT an exception to that is in RHATO 2016, where we get this offhanded comment in Jason’s internal monologuing

similarly later when Roy, who like, had an incredibly close relationship w Jason that had just gotten mended before Heroes in Crisis, gets fuckin murdered in that whole thing... Jason doesn’t go to his funeral either. He leaves a dramatic voice mail and then visits the grave on his own later, choosing to instead keep working on the mission they’d started rather than going and taking the time to mourn properly.

Jason’s relationship with death is incredibly complicated, obviously. He has died, he has come back, and he now is willing to cross the line most other bats won’t and will kill people when he deems it necessary. I think thats something important though- he doesn’t just like... go around killing for fun (usually, some writers preboot made him a little murder happy but even then usually this still was vaguely followed) he kills people he thinks deserved it. Like, even looking back at the mess of Morrison’s Jason during Batman & Robin 2009, Jason was still trying to bring a sense of justice with who he was killing (”punishment that fits the crime”), it wasn’t killing for the sake of killing. He sees things in this kind of almost black and white ‘people who deserve it’ and ‘people who don’t’ way, and he has no problem dealing with death when it’s with the people he thinks deserve it. 

but when someone who doesn’t in his mind ‘deserve it’ gets killed? i think he just goes into total avoidance mode. throws himself into other things he’s doing, tries not to dwell on it too much no matter how much he still thinks about it (this is especially evident in him consistently telling people “i’m fine!” after what happened to Roy, despite bringing Roy up literally like every few issues for a WHILE after he died and very clearly still struggling with it, Artemis is the only one who gets through to him on it a little bit) 

but yeah, I just think that from Jason’s relatively unique situation of having been murdered, he knows what it’s like and he is perfectly fine wishing that on people he thinks are bad and deserve it, but it crushes him to imagine the people he loves and cares about having to experience something as painful as what he went through. not to mention the whole “I came back, why do I get a second chance at all this when they, who are a much better person than I am, probably won’t” mindset we get some implications of him having 

D (canon is a coward and won’t) 

hello DC i am once again insisting a batfam member is bisexual

CASS TIME

A (realistic headcanon): 

ok so we know cass likes ballet. thats canon. however i think we also should in general explore cass experiencing other types of dance/performance as well, be it herself as a performer or even just watching. like... god imagine her & like my brain just automatically for group activities puts her with tim steph and duke but also for this in particular I feel would be a Jason embraced activity, but like them going to see a broadway show or some other professional theatre or something, and her just being enthralled by the reading of body language of the performers! like again by any point in current stuff cass does have like, the ability to speak fine (reading still hard tho) but even so I think like. okay im a theatre kid if that’s not obvious from the Everything About Me but one thing I always do after seeing a show is ya know spend dinner afterwards discussing it with whoever i saw it with.

I just think that like, bringing those people i just mentioned to the table to discuss seeing a show after would be so FASCINATING because cass would bring this whole perspective of critiquing their acting on a whole different level- not based on how well they delivered lines out loud, but by what their body language was saying as they moved on stage. like im very amused by the idea of cass getting a totally different picture in her mind about what a character’s motivations were because she was paying way more attention to what their physicality was saying vs the words that were written and how they were delivered. i think the debates her and the others would have would be EPIC there. jason defending the text as it was written adamantly and cass being like ‘ok yeah sure but thats not what they did’

B (hilarious): 

cass having no concept of money because why would she bother? is SO funny to me. like it’s not that she couldn’t be reasonable if she wanted to, but like, she knows that the Waynes are well off so it’s not something she actually needs to be concerned about, so she just goes hog wild. takes steph out to fancy dinners and makes steph order for them since cass ya know doesn’t really read the menus, and steph’s like ‘jesus christ this costs-” “don’t worry about it” “but cass-” and she just holds up one of bruce’s credit cards and steph’s still like “but you don’t even know the range-” “it is fine”

bruce does not have the heart to tell her to stop

C (heart-crushing): 

i mean this is pretty much canon but especially now after death metal where she’s remembering, not just being told by a guy using weird alternate timeline technology, that she used to be an adopted member of the Wayne family... like that hurts so bad. To look at these people who have ya know been kind to her, Bruce has still been a father-like figure to her (i mean literally from the moment they met in New 52 canon during the flashback in Batman & Robin Eternal, where he’s telling her that she’s not a monster just because of what people forced her to do.... that she’s a hero... that hug.... dad behavior), and they do to some extent treat her as family... But to then really know, to feel and remember that she was actually adopted! She was a part of their family. To look at how she’s been calling herself Orphan while working with them this whole time... that’s so heartbreaking! I have cried about this idea so much! I want so badly a conversation between her and Bruce now where he offers to officially adopt her again, I need it so bad and if it doesn’t happen at some point in the next year or two I will be so distraught.

D (canon is a coward and won’t) 

i want an in-depth exploration of cass’ relationship to her own gender. being raised without language and you know with so much of her life being independent (remember: CASS RAN AWAY AROUND THE WORLD WITHOUT REALLY KNOWING ANY SPOKEN LANGUAGE) and outside of an organized society impressing too much of gender expectations on her, i feel like the way she experiences it would be very unique! like sure she’s so far been fine with being assigned ‘girl’ (ya know that comes with batgirl, and how people just automatically treated her based on how she looks) but in terms of gender expression and like her actual relationship with ‘traditional femininity’ etc like... because of how she was raised I just think she’d have a really different perspective on it that could be cool to explore, and I think she’d fall outside of the binary after she really thinks about how she identifies.

tldr on that: she/they nb cass is what i’m getting at here

[petewentzisblack1312]

I think going off of MANIA and people saying it’s a bad album I think they kinda knew people wouldn’t “get” it… and that’s why they put Wilson (Expensive Mistakes) on there and like. “if I could get my shit together I’m gonna run away and never see any of you again” and “I became such a strange shape from trying to fit in” and in the music video they are literally SELLING themselves (out) like!!! Their brains I can’t

But I think that song has a lot of similarities to Thriller like “crowds are won and lost and won again but our hearts beat for the die hards” —> “There’s nothing more cruel to be loved by everybody but you” kinda feels connected to me in a way I can’t exactly explain. Idk. I feel like Wilson is also a hodgepodge of a lot of different stuff so it’s difficult to glean a meaning from it but I do feel like it’s trying to do what Thriller (and also The Take Over, Breaks Over tbh) was doing, a “fuck you, I’m changing my sound AGAIN, you all make me want to run away bc you can’t handle change for one second, life is chaos ANYWAY, let me be chaotic to help me deal” and idk. I feel like it’s the natural progression from those IOH songs, like “at this point I’m done with this shit, I’m too old to care, I’m not staying the same for your comfort”. I think that’s SUCH an important song on the album tho for that reason when they did like a full 180 from SRAR and AB/AP which were more similar than they were different in that they were both more mainstream pop rock albums for the most part. Like if FOB was just trying to cash in on trends lmao they would’ve done the EDM thing a lottt earlier since it was a lot bigger at the time they were doing the pop rock shtick in like 2013-2016. Which idk. I guess they’re still fundamentally pop rock but u know what I mean, they bent genre a lot for MANIA In ways they didn’t for the prior two albums.

Also I hope you are feeling better :)

1) im not quite better yet as you may be able to tell from my still being up at almost 2am but getting there

2) idk what to say except rt^ like id say fall out boy is, on average, alt rock, just because they pull from so many different genres that it feels limiting to pick any one prefix but ultimately fall out boy is fall out boy. they do what they want when they want and if their fans want to come along for the ride were welcome to. were also welcome to express dissatisfaction (iirc once a fan told patrick she was personally disappointed with his ep and he paid her back right then and there) so when they said "crowds are won and lost and won again but our hearts beat for the diehards" they really meant it.

i think youre right in saying mania is a more mature version of ioh, i feel like they both approach fame and mental illness, but they put emphasis in different places. ioh focuses on fame, because when youre young youre kind of a mirror and what people think of you matters a lot no matter what. but mania focuses on mental health because fame is just a part of life now, and when you get older you (should) learn that other people arent you, and you dont Have to take their opinion into account.

ultimately no notes anon great take