#so stupid like wtf am i doing.
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#im so selfaware it hurts cause i know im being ridiculous rn but i cant stop crying over the same two things#genuinely so miserable about not having a boyfriend or just like . anyone who loves me unconditionally and who i love unconditionally and#who i can hold hands with and i can kiss and hug and. Yeah#kinda got tired of crying over it cause maybe i just need to take action myself so i got onto bumble n tinder but im so . socially inept it#makes me wanna throw up#every time i match with someone i just wanna disappear n never speak to them its so fucking humiliating#im texting this one guy now but i think thats gonna die down at some point and ill just delete both dating apps i think . it makes me feel#so stupid like wtf am i doing.#the other thing i keep crying over is my art and its so stupid too like why am i throwing a tantrum 😹😹😹😹😹#deactivated my art account on twitter and packed up my drawing tablet . im afraid ill kiII myself if i try and fail to draw again#i just cant physically do it#no matter what i try it just doesnt fucking work#and its depressing because i dont know who i am!!!!!! i dont know anything about my own identity!!!!!! but art has always been the one thing#in my identity i was quite sure over and now its just. Gone. just like that#feeling like i lost someone dear to me. i dont know what to do i dont know what to dooooo#the two things i crave most in life (to love and be lived#and to create freely) have been ripped from my hands and i feel so fuvking empty#i dont actually wanna kiII myself. so i am alive but without these two i feel like ive already died#i feel so lost and it fucking hurttyttssss
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my coworkers are being turbo transphobic and literally refuse to listen to answers to questions they fucking ask argh!!! I can just tell you!!! I can just answer you!!!!! I have answers!!! to the ridiculous questions you ask in a mocking way!!!! if you listen for one second I can just fucking explain!!!! 😡😭😡😭
#they ask why would trans men NEED tampons for men since they are WOMEN why cant they juat use WOMEN ones those stupid silly women ugh#they keep coming back to the topic#and im like hey they are not women ^_^ and try to explain the concept#in easy kindergarten terms like hey you know how you wouldnt want to buy pink girly items because you are a (cis) guy! well#and them im cut off with more transphobic shit before i can say anything else#my coworker literally said her son told her and her husband they were playing spin the bottle on a school trip#and she asked so did you kiss any girls? and he said#sure when it landed on a girl then i kissed a girl (implying he also kissed guys)#and she said her husband was so shocked because hes conservative#while she said she just ordered the son not to say anything else#and she tells us 'i think he was just testing us or something'#wtf. i said well okay maybe he was testing your reactions and now hes not gonna tell you shit anymore#and she went like hm 🤔#also the irony of saying her HUSBAND is conservative while she fucking. misgenders trans men all day and jokes about gay men constantly#in a nasty way#all of them do#im so tired#she complained kids nowadays are so caaual about gay people#and i said okay well i love it personally they should keep it up#and NO ONE at the table supported/agreed with me#sorry i am on a work trip and suffering#transphobia tw#neri stfu
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Hi so ao3 decided to suspend my account until march 3rd because I added the tag "this is an ada wong loving zone. ada haters die" to one of my fics, which they have also hidden, and I'm incredibly fucking frustrated for obvious reasons but yeah uh if you can't see my fic Another Time it's because ao3 fucking took it down without warning me or letting me remove the tag. So there's that.
#I'm literally shaking#“harassment” for fuck's sake I'm not attacking anyone I'm telling idiots to stay away from my fucking fic#like yeah okay maybe i shouldn't have said the word “die”. in technical terms that is considered bad.#but still wtf am I gonna do like it's a stupid tag#they said they'll put it back up if I delete the tag once my suspension ends but until mar 3rd i cannot post edit or delete ANY content#INCLUDING comments on OTHER PEOPLE'S fics#which is fucking insane#also who fucking reported me because this fic has been up for MONTHS and I never got word so there's no way it's just ao3 doing it randomly#what misogynist was so pressed that i don't want them reading my fics#edit: i double checked the email and they straight up said someone reported me. lol.
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SCREMS my snautsticic child
he is trying ok!!!!!! one tiny snake human hybrid built from the cave-ground-up, , attempting to learn all the implicit rules of humanness?! as if it isn't already tough enough out here!!!!
#ALL he has to work off of is the Great Serpent's memories? fuzzy clips of ppl he might have seen or interacted with??#depending on the kind of snake he was he could have a variety of defense mechanisms#he could have had to suppress his hissing instinct. or maybe he contorted his body in that adorably vertical corn snake way when he scared#big baby eyes trying to mimic the ppl around him but they are busy being judgemental#so many stupid little human things that villagers try to explain to him as “that's just the way it is” or “never really thought about why”#and yakumo just stares in disbelief bc how could u have never thought about the concept of goosebumps#you're telling me ur skin turns into plucked-bird-skin when you're cold or frightened and that is completely mundane?#you're telling me that when ppl try to hug you it is NOT because they want to strangle u to death and eat u????#how much strength am i supposed to put into a hug then. NOT bone crushimg??????#WHAT EMOTION IS THIS GESTURE SUPPOSED TO CONVEY#the tags tho#now imagining blade and yakumo shaking hands and discussing “why are humans such funky lil guys and why do they do the things they do”#several of the non-humans gather in a monthly meeting like:#on today's agenda: WTF is kissing. why are they smashing their food holes together.#one week they bring in a guest human (edmond?) and ask him all of humanity's big questions from non-human POV#and edmond's just like ??? i don't know???!?!??#and eberyone throws up their arms in frustration bc if humans don't make sense to the humans then what are we supposed 2do#nu carnival yakumo
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got a sortof interview for a research assistant job tomorrow and sooooooooo scareds :D
#delete later#sortof bc its basically already mine since my mom works there and said the current assistant sucks so bad theyll take Anyone with a degree#and theyre desperate#and its super casual and low intensity but still stressed tf out#bc i havent done anything non routine since december and my anxiety has gotten soooo bad and im soooo bad at talking to people#and ik the antidote is doing things again which is why am i doing this but. scary#and time is moving too fast and im so lost and i hate my stupid fuckass grocery store job and idk what to dew w my life rn#cannot stop reminiscing abt the life unlived and the time lost and while i do that i am not living anf losing time#😃😃😃😃😃😃#cannot stop thinking abt how my school life is simply over and i missed it i wasted it its Over 😀 no more chances#didnt make ONE friend in 5 years of university didnt join anything didnt do anything except mentally deteriorate#uni is supposed to be the source of so much life and experience. and yooo i missed it 😂yooooo omg its too late for me 😂😂😂#i rememebr before crossing the stage at high school graduation i was like. rn im in the part of my life before graduation#and in a minute suddenly im gonna be in the after#and then i realized recently. im in The After of university. the moment passed and i missed it#there is no more chances theres no more ‘next semester ill make friends’ theres no more Anything it is Over#time keeps going so fast and yallll i cant go back lol 😂😂😂 brooo wtf nobody told me u can never go back 😂#dawg i havent felt alive even once since leaving high school 😂 yo i peaked at age 17 😂 yo jm about to turn 23 and my last memory is being 19#yooooo whered the time go 😂😂😂😂 brooo where does it keep going lol come back wait up im runnin out of time 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂#x
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stole this from basu on twt bc 🙌🏼 preaaachh
#kyman#south park#i also am in love with the absolute denial he was in during PC#craziest shit I’ve ever seen#Kyle deadass saw eric’s wedding ring. and wife. and KIDS#and was like ‘no. 🧍♂️ fake news’#kyle heard cartman havin sex?? he doesn’t tell them to stop bc it’s rude. he tells eric’s wife ‘hey ur husband gave me aids’ and DOESNT#CLARIFY SHIT and bro doesn’t realize the fucking implications#Kyle getting worked up over heiman NOT for her sake. but eric’s#’in a way wE’rE aLl gOiNg oUt wiTh cArTmAn’ what the FUCK does that mean kyle#kyle’s stupid little ‘Hey heidi so I know you and cartman have an anniversary comin up’ (I. no words.) c#‘some of us don’t think cartman’s qualified to be with you. what do you find in him that’s remotely REDEEMING’#motherfucker didn’t even ask why she liked him. asks what’s ‘redeeming ‘ abt him. kyle I know wanting to redeem cartman is Your Thing but#jesus dude let heidi speak for herself#don’t get me started when the girls were like ‘do u like heidi?’ and kyle had a mental breakdown (he’s always known when he Likes a Girl.#wtf why was he so torn up abt it.)#also Kyle ‘I hate Cartman let’s exclude him from building boats’ Brofloski goin ‘awww cartman i’m sorry’ as soon as#Cartman gets emo abt the ‘surgery’ and is the first to include him in boat building#AND THEN proceeds to be on top of eric abt the quality of boats?? when no one else cares? not even BUTTERS? y does he care so much??#weirdo. fuckin weirdo fr
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I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao
#i have had to piss for probably the better part of an hour now#because they decided to take a shower together and have been in there for well OVER an hour now#and this is a nightly occurence atp sometimes MULTIPLE times a day#we have one bathroom.... can yall not be considerate enough to not be in there for up to TWO HOURS AT A TIME???#also it's such a waste of fucking water....#idk we've hit a point where i literally hear the bf doing anything and i get pissed off#but also tell me why i'm sitting in my room (which shares a wall with the bathroom) and i can hear this man hacking and spitting shit up#and this is also something that happens multiple times a day#like.... dude.... why are you spitting up toothpaste so fucking loudly oh my fucking god#but yeah no i'm like my roommate's only friend atp and he's about to not have me lmao like we're about to reach#'i'm cutting you off when i move out' levels of me being pissed off with this whole situation type shit#and apparently the bf convinced him to come out to his family which his mom was chill which is good#his dad's side of the family though....? not great. and my roommate KNEW that would be the case cuz we'd talked about it before#also love that my roommate has constantly talked about moving out of the city we live in because he hates and also there's no good career#opportunities for him here (which is true)#and now. MAGICALLY. he's like 'idk i think it'd be best for me to stay here'#like oh my GOD???? are you hearing yourself???? are you fucking stupid???? you fucking hate it here???#but sure throw your life away and ruin all your meaningful relationships for a guy you met six months ago jfc#and the thing is i *know* my roommate we've been close CLOSE friends for nearly a decade now#i know he is not like this.... like yeah he's being insane by allowing this but also i know these aren't the kinds of decisions he would ma#and also i know he wouldn't treat me like this all on his own#it's the deranged fucking control freak of a guy he decided to date and my roommate has too many of his own issues to put his foot down#about certain things and tell the guy no so he's just allowing him to completely take over his life#and fuck everything up until the bf is the only thing he has left once it's all said and done#and yeah. it's painful to watch. but also wtf am i supposed to do because obviously my opinion is not respected nor wanted regarding this#that has been made PAINFULLY clear#ugh this is so fucking horrendous#what is it with ppl who start to date someone and then go clinically fucking insane and destroy their lives all for this one person#who. realistically. they barely know in comparison to all the other ppl in their life#like explain it to me jfc
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the nice thing about living at work being offline for chunks at a time is the people u used to really dislike seeing on the dash (by no one's fault, promise), it doesn't really bother you anymore when you see them pop up as recs or smth. like. neat. lol. it's nice! it's comforting. i feel like I've def moved on from things, its liberating.
#◟ ⋆ㅤㅤif my hair's a mess﹐my mind's a mess.ㅤ( ooc )#to delete *#still on brainrot about this crush or whatever it is#decided to be upfront with her lol donnnnt have the highest hopes but#as someone who likes transparency and directness -- i feel its right.#and if not! im 100% ok with it too like its not my first time#i am v clumsy w this tho bc i don't usually tell people lol if im even Remotely interested. so.#she's branching out for'shore.#also confided in my brow girl who's also a lesbian and she was like 'girl ask her. that'd make it clear like whenever ur in the area'#she's absolutely right. so. there's that. thank god i have one lesbian person irl who i can talk to about this shit#she wanted to have me do gay clubs that she knows of. women only. sounds fun! but. nah. work keeps me :')#she's a teacher :') a professor technically. i feel so stupid LFKASJFA#i dont think im dumb! by any stretch! but. the fact she teaches (art) and is tech a teacher im like god akjfsha#how do i talk wtf akjfsa i can sound Smart totally oh def (help)
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girls will literally be happy until their brain randomly convinces them that all their friends hate them because someone's text was a little TOO serious sounding which means they find you ugly and stupid and hate you with a burning passion
#how i love being a person who thinks all the time and has nothing to think except for thoughts#also there is literal crack in gracie abrams's voice wtf#i know you're a fault line. but i'll break too.#I SEE YOU EVERY NIGHT IN MY SLEEP ANTICIPATING EVERY BAD DREAM LIKE FALLING WITH A KNIFE YOU CUT DEEP YOU CUT DEEEEP#anyway i literally hate myself a lot right now and i think im so ugly and stupid and nobody really likes me#and my problems are generally smaller than other peoples'#like idk#its invalidating when you're complaining about something and someone's like 'well at least you dont...' or if im complaining about school#and someone's like at least you dont have ____ subject#like. ok. remind me never to say anything to you ever#its also so invalidating when you're trying to explain to someone how you are and they're like 'but you're literally happy'#i just end up feeling so stupid and idiotic#maybe because i am but. you know. like how do you even reply to someone saying that to you
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#ok i will say smth abt it bc im a little pissed hehe#and verito is not answering my texts so now u all have to hear it#im not self absorbed enough to believe i know what's best for phoebe or if she planned it or not or whatever#the way she announced it seems she's pretty excited so good for her#but honestly some of the takes i've seen on here...#people in their middle/late 20s calling this 19 year old girl an idiot#saying that she must not know the difference between her vagina and her urethra#that louis must be soo disappointed and that he didn't pay and expensive school for her to get pregnant (????????)#do u guys hear yourselves what the actual fuck#ofc teen pregnancy is an issue worldwide but is this really the hill you're gonna die on?? that it's all the girl's fault bc she's stupid??#u sound like a 50 yo congressman wtf is the actual matter with you#people i've seen joking about how long until her bf leaves her...#i literally encourage u to seek help it is not normal to lack empathy in this way and to be so cruel to a person who has#literally done nothing to you#also louis can pay for whatever school he likes he still doesn't have the right to decide over his little sister's body?? do u guys#hear yourselves be so real with me rn#also how do u even know he's upset??#tfw some of u think u know louis.. it's insane#i literally am in shock at some of the things i had to read today#i really hope you are not in any field where people come to you for help#especially girls especially young girls#you guys are insane lmao#that's all <33#shut up laura
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damn the family event i was supposed to go to today was canceled and it is bittersweet. Like I really didn't wanna go bc i am still not over everything, and seeing them always sets me back really bad. but damn, this family is so dysfunctional. everyone single family member just bailed or ghosted for different reasons. its kinda sad. I always feel as if I am the person who broke the family facade too. I bailed the last 2 years on this event too. so it is double ouch.
#gonna go uh. process things I guess.#like ;-; i was kinda hoping to see my sisters and aunt. moms okay. i mostly just didnt want to see my dad...#i scare my dad. he is scared of me. he turns all red and avoidant. i dont know why.#okay i do know why but its so complicated. he read through my diary when i was at work once#i fucking hate him for being such a control freak but i am just like him i guess#and lets just say; what he read probably has changed his view of me forever#i should be allowed to uncover repressed memories in privacy without family members reading it...#and i am allowed to have whatever pain i have about those things that happened...#i hate him for reading through my things#i am allowed to stumble and make mistakes and it was confirmed by my sister that it did happen so...#i am allowed to have feelings about it even if it is over reacting in others eyes and express it privately in my diary#i dont remember what i said in the note bc he took it. he wildly misinterpreted it too#he thinks i think he is a predator. no!!!! i dont think that!!!! im just hurt by weird things he has done#this stupid entry i wrote ruined our relationship but he shouldn't have read it#that note was only for me and potentially my therapist#and he never even talked to me about it. thats the worst thing. he sent my mom to talk to me about it#and he misinterpreted it so badly. bc theh both speak different languages and#the things my mom was telling me.. i was like.. i did not say those things... wtf#horrible game of telephone#txt
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man
#my mil has had me buying groceries for the whole house for weeks even tho i make less than $200 most weeks and she makes $80k/y#so weve been constantly on the cliffside of having absolutely nothing to eat in the house bc i cant AFFORD to feed 3 adults#and then when i DO get food she eats our stuff as much as she eats what i bought for her so im just#so fucking hungry all the time#which is the case rn im so so hungry but wtf am i even going to eat at this point#were out of produce out of potatoes out of frozen food out of beans like#brooggghhh#im so hungry 💀 but i have less than $100 which means the delivery and tip fees make ordering Worthless until i have more money to spend#stupid evil system i hate it here#i had blissful dreams about grocery shopping fat stacks and cooking for friends lastnight
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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The most unrealistic thing about Stardew Valley is the fact that Elliot lives in a shack with no electricity or internet access. How tf is an author going to google synonyms without electricity (don't say thesaurus I am old enough to had to of used those and they are a pain in the ass if you don't know what you're looking for). You're telling me this man writes on a TYPEWRITER? With no BACKSPACE button?? What if you want to quote something? Are ya gonna go down to the library that got literally all of it's books and artifacts stolen??
#not dragon age#I can barely write when I have 3 days off and nothing to do with full internet and the barely functioning rusted wheels that are my brain#could not be me#this is a funny don't come at me#stardew valley#stardew elliot#I know people didn't have this option like literally 50 years ago but I am built different#different as in stupid as fuck#also imagine all of the paper waste from scrapped pages because you accidentally hit a key and fucked up a word#no wonder it took so long for authors to write back then#I say as it takes me too long to write#how tf did fucking homer write his Illiad wtf#man probably had like 500 goats skinned just to create parchment#oh god imagine misspelling a word on parchment#oh my god I misspelled iliad imagine if that was on parchment
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My brain is going a million miles an hour in a million different directions and this sucks so bad
#so our landlord in QLD is selling his house#which means we all have to leave#which tbh if that wasn’t the case#with everything happening in my head I might have just stayed here#I am SO stressed abt money from the kangaroo#I haven’t secured a job in Melb like id hoped#it seems like there’s not so much for me there anymore#cause it’s just too stressful to now find a job I’ll only have for like a month and a half#but also I already quit my job here#and my bf is coming to Melb so I have to be there now#but I’m also stressed about finding housing cause it’s not as easy when you’re not in a backpacker beach town#idk wtf to do#I don’t wanna leave the beach being 2 min from my house or the tiny little town that feels like my home now#I just got added into a giant group chat with tons of acquaintances etc#it took so long to BUILD what I have here#and now that I’ve finally got it I’m just leaving?#what the fuck#it’s so stupid#like I don’t WANT to leave#but I also want to have more experiences in Australia than just this one#and tbh REALLY the problem is I don’t want the time constraint of having to leave in March and only having spent 6 months here#like my bf and I agreed on#it’s just too short and the horizon is finally just stretching out before me#but I think it’d destroy our relationship if I stayed longer#because it’s been Too Much for him#which sucks#in a vacuum I would stay#for the full year#but I like#can’t. and tumblr has imposed a tag limit??? so I have to shut up now
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when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro
#cried alone in my car parked in my driveway for like 17 minutes#i feel so hopeless and useless and stupid so so so stupid i’ll never be smart enough like the other nurses#i can’t fucking think im too slow i don’t know anything#it’s the emergency room and god for fucking bid i have an emergent patient i don’t know wtf to do ever#i don’t know how to initiate protocols or contact interdisciplinary or put in complex orders i don’t know anything i’m so useless#everyone thinks i’m stupid i’ve been on orientation for like 2 months know and i’m still the same useless stupid novice airhead new grad#i just get so frazzled i feel like everyone expects so much out of me and i have to be perfect to meet their standards#but im stupid im subpar im not good enough like them like#ever if they’ve been nurses for years and i’ve only been working as one for legit 2 months it’s just i still don’t know how to do anything#it’s like i can’t think i don’t do things how they want me to do them and then i look stupid im the attending doctor thinks i’m so dumb but#she wouldn’t even hear me out like i know you want both fluids running i know it’s important but he only has.1 IV and they aren’t compatible#we’re trying to start a second IV and he had difficult veins like why are you trying to tell me i’m stupid i know why you ordered it thatway#it’s like nobody gets my dumbass brain but that’s not their fault bc they can think clearly and convey their thoughts to people without#sounding like a fucking dumbass i have no critical thinking skills im just useless i hate this so much i don’t want to be here it sucks#i never wanted to be a nurse i never wanted to be anything i was 12 years old hoping i’d be dead by 18#and now i’m 23 and i’m still fucking here but it’s clear i shouldn’t be i don’t fit in im not fit for society#i should be euthanized like an unwanted dog that’s been at the shelter for too long that’s exactly what i am#20min later still crying can’t stop being a fucking crybaby pitypartying myself i’m the worst oh my god grow the fuck up already#why is everything so difficult for me why can’t i just fit in literally everyone knows i don’t belong#i’m the dumbest most useless new grad orientee and EVERYONE knows it even management it’s so embarrassing#i’m so embarrassed to be alive and take up space that could be filled by someone so much better smarter prepared someone meant to be there#i don’t want this i don’t want any of this i never wanted to grow up im just a kid in my head i’m so pathetic#i wish i was smart and good at something i wish people looked at me and thought o wow i respect her bc she’s also a good nurse#nobody likes me i’m such a burden to everyone the doctors my preceptors other nurses who deserve to be there#i’m leaking snot everywhere today wasn’t even that bad but i think it’s all just hitting me now how helpless i am#i’m so tired of myself and waking up and making a fool of myself every shift fucking stupid loser i hate myself i try so hard and it’s not#it’s not enough it’s never enough im not enough im an imposter i’ll never be as good as the other nurses even tho i’m really really trying#i seriously don’t want to do this anymore i don’t want to be here i can’t do it everyone knows i’m not cut out for this they all talk shit#ramblings
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