#so we’re getting closer to the season starting and i’ve been posting on our socials ummm the players for the 2023 season

[blkwag]

we need voice notes omg

[f1ofc]

In need of a new perspective

one-shot inspired by the line, "No thing so sure that I can't learn to doubt it" from New Perspective by Noah Kahan mentions of parts 2 and 3 of the social media au but can be read independently ☺️ 600+ words

masterlist

It was during Bahrain’s first free practice session that Johanna first met Fernando Alonso. The team was happy with her time and still full of adrenaline, she decided to go for a walk around the paddock. Recognizing him from testing earlier that year, Jo greeted Lance as she passed the Aston Martin facilities.

He smiled as she slowed, “Hey Johanna, how’s practice going?”

“Pretty good, I think. Mick gave me some tips that turned out pretty useful. I’m having to completely adapt my driving style to take these turns at this speed.”

“Oh yeah, I remember that. You’ll get the hang of it.”

He started moving back towards his team’s garage, and was happy to continue the conversation as they walked. Her black race suit stood out in the sea of green, but most smiled at her as she passed. Before long, Stroll’s engineer was calling him. On the other side of the garage Alonso was getting out his car as the time ran out for the first session of the weekend.

“Mohn,” he called as she started to turn back to her walk, “how is your first weekend?”

Jo stopped short, smiling, “Well, the team’s happy so I can’t complain.”

He nodded, “And how are you?”

She looked out to the pit lane at the other crew, staff, and journalists milling about. “Nervous. There’s a lot of expectations riding on me right now.”

“Don’t worry about all of them. I’ve seen you race. You will excel here.”

Her eyebrows raised of their own accord, “You’ve seen me race?”

He grinned, “I went back and watched most of last year’s F2 season after Audi announced you as their driver. I like knowing who I am racing against.”

Johanna was shocked. Fernando Alonso, someone she had been watching since she was little, saw her as a competitor. An equal. “That’s…that’s really cool to hear, Alonso.”

Later that day, after the second session, he commented on her tweet about the car. Laughing at his response to Lance, she showed it to Oscar and Logan.

“She’s got a mentor. Oscar, how are we going to compete with her?” Logan over dramatically fell back on the couch in her driver room, “But seriously, that’s awesome.”

After the boys left, Johanna found herself doing the one thing everyone told her not to do. The comments on her tweet - and posts made by Audi Sport’s official accounts - were full of the same general sentiment. She didn’t belong here. She wasn’t good enough to compete against the other drivers. She was a PR stunt. She won’t last a year. Comment after comment it felt never-ending, and it wasn’t hard to believe the things people were writing about her. Nearly in tears, she texted her teammate. Mick was quick to respond.

Have you been reading your comments again?

c’mon, we’re not AlphaTauri

Minutes later she got a text from Fernando.

You may not see it when we are in our cars, but you have many fans on the grid

Talking to him helped quite a bit, and the two of them must of said something to her other friends because just about the second her conversation ended with Alonso she got a text from Oscar inviting her to come out with the rest of the grid kids; they had taken to calling themselves that, referring to the combined trios of 2019 and 2023 rookies, mostly because it annoyed Alex and George. While they were out, Lando pulled her aside.

“All of those comments are coming from idiots that can barely drive down the street. You have just as much merit to be here as Oscar and Logan, you hear? And if anyone around the paddock says something you just let us know.”

The others overheard and gathered closer around them. George smiled at her, “Yeah, Lewis has taught the rest of us a thing or two about correcting reporters. We have no problem putting someone in their place.”

Johanna was grateful for the reminder that she had support from the people that mattered.

[kaigayoso]

2.12.23 friendship lore

i just took off from chicago o’hare on a layover back from a group trip to aspen. if theres’s one thing that my friends from college and i know how to do better than anyone it’s get a trip out of the group chat. our first night with the group we wet to a massive 20 person dinner and for all of the newer entrants to the friend group we did the inevitable “here’s how we all know each other” and went over the master timeline: we met in college, different years, i worked with H at an old job, W was our other friend’s best friend from after we graduated, etc. it was warm, as most of our interactions with our friends go, but everyone at least knew of each other going into the trip. 

H framed it best: “the lore of your guys’ friendship is so deep and so vast”

the chili’s at ORD is an almost religious place for us - for the out of towners at Notre Dame, all roads went through o’hare since flights direct to/from south bend were almost impossible or too expensive so we ate at that chili’s before we parted ways for the semester, while we waited for everyone to land so we could go to campus together, to and from job interviews, spring breaks, and pretty much any occasion that had us leave the confines of the midwest. it was only fitting i stopped by on the way back to new york. 

as we’ve gotten older, we’re almost a decade out of college at this point, i think i’ve had an easier time letting go of our younger selves. to be honest, i feel much closer to the version of me with a family (hopefully) than i do to the version of me that often went through this same airport. i just spent the last few days with many of those same people i used to be here with, also most of us are flying back to the same city where we live a few blocks away. i remember the younger versions of ourselves always sprinting so quickly forward, towards a horizon we felt we were destined to claim. now, as the generation before us used to lament and the generation after us will soon come to know, i wish for just a few more minutes of where i’m at. 

this idea has been so eloquently described in a number of poems i love but will summarize here, growing up is seeing the main characters of your story become nothing more than readers. as paths unravel and roots are planted and stems grow to flower seasons later, the love that brought you all together is now the only thing that does. social is great for keeping tabs on how your friends are doing but so often we confuse the forest for the trees and think that that is what friendship is now. we used to write letters that crossed oceans.

it’s not quite parasocial but it might as well be. so many of my friends feel more like characters on a show (to be honest i probably know a few tv show characters better than i know some of my old friends at this point), and we’re between seasons. i get a new episode every time they post a life update that we can celebrate or give us a reason to catch up. 

in lieu of this, i think what we have done to counteract the malaise of passive consumption of our friends’ lives, has been finding ways to co-create our lore together. in the past 2 years, we’ve done multiple trips, kept our existing traditions going, and started new ones. our friend group in the city is still 20+ people strong and i don’t think it’s controversial to say that there may only be a few chapters left of this run. we’ll be friends for a long time hopefully so that’s not to say that we won’t but for us to have this exact intersection in our lives is an almost scandalous piece of information that we shouldn’t know but are hyperaware of.

the so-called chapter 2s, those of us who didn’t get married in our 20s, have seen how quickly it can all change as marriages, kids, new jobs, ups, downs, all come without warning. so how lucky are we to live in this moment, in this city together.  

this year, i was supposed to slow down. we’re about 6 weeks into the year and i’ve already flown 13 times across 5 time zones and 2 continents. so it’s decidedly not going to be that lol. i’ve never been busier but it’s all things i’ve been waiting my entire life to do/achieve. i had been feeling guilty about being somewhat absent the last few weeks, especially given the impending passage of time, and i got all i could’ve ever asked for out of my friends this weekend. i’ve been the planner friend for all of my friend groups for a long time and in this iteration of me, where i can’t necessarily be as proactive as i’m used to being, it is such a calming thought to have your best friends step up where you didn’t know you needed them to. it’s always nice to be on the receiving end of the “we made this plan, you’re coming” or “haven’t seen you in a bit, dinner this week” texts. for me, it’s a foreign concept sometimes - to rely on other people, but i think i’ve been feeling the love more than ever and i’m grateful.. 

[incorrectlumityquotes]

FULL REVIEWS: “Enchanting Grom Fright”

The hype for this episode was unreal. We got the crew telling us that we weren’t ready on social media. It was a madhouse. To think that the little ship that could would have this big a leap in canon is unreal. Let’s just get to it.

The cold open starts with Luz trying to find more glyphs in her off time. I thinks it really shows her development so far. Now she’s willing to do the work to figure out her kind of magic, as oppose to say episode two where she just wanted to be great because she was “chosen.”

“My glyph skills are blossoming”

But then reality ensues...

Using the portal to let the wifi signal into The Owl House is not the dumbest reason I’ve heard to open an interdimensional portal between worlds but it is one of the most mundane. SOMEHOW, Luz can still receive texts from her mom FROM ANOTHER WORLD. Not that it makes too much of a difference since Luz barely answers them. 

As much fun as it is to focus on the magic and the shipping and the friendship and the curse, Luz still knows that she’s still lying to her mom. The guilt is there, but luckily being a main character keeps her too busy to think about it.

“Luz, time to fill that darling head of yours with...huuh huuh huuh HAKKK, mmm, mmm, mmh, delicious knowledge.”

Never change, Hooty.

It’s that time of year again that Luz doesn’t know about yet, Grom: The Boiling Isles’ weird version of prom. Every fantasy world has one. 

*hiss*

Amity bumps into Luz, and I know this is going to sound weird, but I really like Amity’s “Watch it, nitwit.” Amity’s character has changed and developed from our perspective which is the perspective of Luz and The Owl House fam. But she’s not a completely different character. Amity still has a bit of a temper and gets agitated easily. It makes sense to me and I’m glad I haven’t found anyone be like “Hey if Amity is nicer, why did she get mad when she bumped into someone?” 

Amity is nicer to Luz and co. because she’s gotten to know Luz and co. You don’t treat everyone in your life the same. Amity is one of those people that you need to defrost with first. Belief is backed up by experience and so are people’s personas. (Not that persona. I’m being serious here.) Because of Amity’s experiences, she’s believed that in order to survive she has to put people at arm’s length, then when she gets to know you, she’ll decide if she wants to let you in or not. So I guess that means that based on her interactions with Luz, Amity has decided...

You know what? I’ll save that for my Lumity meta.

The popular theory is that Amity was going to put her note in Luz’s locker, hence why she bumped into them. But actually seeing Luz and being announced as grom queen probably made her lose her nerve.

“Embrace your dreams...”

Amity is announced to be this year’s grom queen. Luz is happy for her before Amity runs in shock and embarrassment. Okay.

Luz discovers the gym’s weapons cache (not a thing I thought I would ever type) and Amity explains grom. Since Luz is from the human world and all that.

Grom is a monster that lives under the school and needs to be defeated every year so it doesn’t invade the town. It’s a classic shape-shifting fear monster. Odd are I have (and so have you) at least seen three or four of these in our lives already. Amity doesn’t want to show the entire school her greatest fear, especially since she already knows what it is. Luz suggest talking to Bump and Amity says she’ll try.

Another scene of Eda and King laughing and mocking Luz. Because I liked it so much the first time.

Eda gets dressed up herself because she’s volunteered to chaperone grom. Luz tells her that Amity is grom queen but wishes that she could take her place. We get...you know and Luz walks off. 

“I think we should kiss to ease the tension.”

Luz randomly meets up with Amity in the woods because I guess Amity had the same idea to take a walk to clear her head. Whatever. Amity tells Luz that Bump wasn’t going to change his mind unless Amity found a replacement. Luz volunteers because...she’s Luz, friend to all.

Except maybe that spider.

Top 10 Anime Betrayals

The Blight Siblings try to help Luz train against grom only for Eda to find out about their little plan. Here’s where we find out why Eda volunteered to chaperone a Hexside event even though she hates that place:

“What’s the fun in watching a kid get eaten by a monster if it’s my kid?”

That’s hilarious. To me. 

Luz and Amity have a moment before Luz’s debut and Amity thanks Luz for everything she’s done. They have more adorable banter before Luz takes the stage. 

“Wish me luck.”

“Luck.”

I’m guessing that’s not an expression in The Boiling Isles.

Luz faces Grom and it seems to be going better than everyone predicted until...you know

“Mija, this would be such a good shot for the trailer.”

Yup, we all predicted this. Luz’s greatest fear is her mom finding out that she’s been lying to her. Luz panics and takes off with Eda and Amity to chase after her.

Eda comes in for the save when Amity bursts in the scene saying “Boy let me tell you what.” She doesn’t really I just like saying that. You know, in my head. I mean, if you heard the way I was saying it out loud you’d probably think it was funny too but you know...text.

Grom gets a hold of Amity and transforms into her greatest fear. And we see why Amity didn’t want to face Grom in front of the whole school. She didn’t want everyone to see that Amity’s fear is very...emotional. Not physical. She’s not afraid of a giant spider or anything. It’s a little closer to the heart.

Amity clutching at her dress like a little kid is both the cutest and the saddest thing. This fear of hers is so bad it makes this fourteen year old feel like she’s four. I’m so sure she was about to cry right there. Or maybe that’s me. Could be both.

Luz picks up the note and discovers that Amity was trying to ask somebody out before she was announced as grom queen. Amity was afraid of being rejected. Luz tries to ease her fears by asking her out to grom. 

Trying seeing it from Luz’s point of view. She has no idea who Amity wants to ask out. Luz doesn’t even consider that it could be her because again, belief is backed by experience. Luz was considered a weirdo with no friends in the human world. She even said earlier in the episode that she got kicked out of her last school dance for dressing like an otter. Luz has no reason to believe that someone would like her romantically. She would like to. It is a fantasy of hers, but her experience tells her that other people don’t see her that way so she doesn’t consider that Amity wanted to ask Luz out.

I’ll save the rest for another blog post, although I did talk about this last year too.

But since Amity did want to ask Luz out and Luz asked her out instead, Amity’s fears are eased. Grom does what every fear monster does when their target overcomes their fears and says “Screw it, I’m just going to kick your ass!”

And then this happens:

As a Star vs the Forces of Evil fan, let me just say this is our Blood Moon Ball moment. The moment that the show tells the audience in John Oliver’s voice, “Yup this is the ship we’re doing so strap in folks.”

Luz and Amity work together to combine magic to take down Grom. It also helps that they eased each others’ fears. Luz can’t think about her mom if she’s focused on helping Amity. 

Luz and Amity defeat Grom in a blaze of glory. Luz being Luz, decides to ask Amity who she wanted to ask out just to see if she would tell you. Amity brushes it off.

“It doesn’t matter. After all, I already got to dance with the girl I like.”

Everyone celebrates but when Luz gets home she’s more tired than anything.

Maybe it was Grom, but Luz decides to give her mom a real answer. It’s been tough but it’s also been fun. There are good and bad days. Sometimes she feels like she doesn’t belong. But she has friends. They care about her, she cares about them, and that’s more than enough reason to stay. 

THEN THIS SHIT HAPPENS!

Yeah, the Meteora moment in Star vs the Forces of Evil. The moment where the show went “Never mind that shit. Here comes a complete change in the status quo.” 

Someone or something is sending Luz’s mom letters. It’s Luz’s handwriting, but it’s clearly not Luz since she can’t spell her name right. Season one already finished and we still have no idea what this is. 

I was all happy a second ago. Now I’m nervous as all hell. It’s a madhouse I tells ya. A madhouse!

FINAL SCORE: 5 - LOVED IT!

Wow. Just wow. This episode had everything. Jokes, plot, romance, character development, cameos, dancing, girls, MOM(?), crashing on your couch because technically I’m homeless.

I shipped Lumity before this, but this was the episode that told me that yes it was going to happen. We’re all in. 

But it’s not perfect.

Yeah, did any of you noticed that I didn’t even mention the B-plot? I’m going to be honest. The reason is...

I hate it.

I hate the B-plot so much that I skip it every time I watch this episode. I still don’t think Gus is that funny or interesting. Hell, Skara’s mini plot with her date and/or boyfriend was funnier.

But everything else about the episode more than outshines the B-plot so I still give it a five.

Next time we finish up the lumity trilogy next time.

Dammit I said next time twice.

[sfb123]

Housewarming Heart to Heart

Book: The Royal Romance

Pairing: Drake Walker x Riley Brooks (Friendship)

Summary: Drake and Riley step away from his housewarming party, and end up having a heartfelt conversation about their friendship. 

Word Count: 1,394

A/N: This is my first fic idea, and the first one I ever started to write. I struggled with it for so long, then I had a conversation with @txemrn where I mentioned it, and she gave me the boost I needed to revisit it so I could finish it and post.

FYI, I hate coming up with titles. I think it’s probably the hardest part of writing a fic, so please be kind to my lackluster titles. 

Tags: Below. Good luck actually getting a notification about it! Also, let me know if you want to be added or removed. 

Riley stepped out the front door and saw Drake sitting alone on the porch step, swirling a glass of whiskey. 

“You know, Bertrand told me once that it’s a faux pas for a host to leave their own party.” She said, leaning on the doorframe. Her voice brought Drake out of his thoughts as he turned to look at her. 

“I just needed a break. It’s exhausting to host a party.”

She moved closer and took a seat next to him on the step. “No shit. At least you know, and like…” she paused, “...tolerate, all of these people. The parties Liam and I host are filled with endless nobles, dignitaries, and other people I’ve met multiple times whose names I can’t remember for the life of me.”

“Yea, and I also remember all of the times I’ve watched the two of you sneaking out of those parties.” He extended his hand, “Nice to meet you pot, I’m kettle.” She rolled her eyes and nudged him with her shoulder.

“Touché. So, the cabin is nice. Very Drake.”

“That’s kind of the look I was going for.” 

“You know, you don’t have to leave the palace. We like having you around.” 

“I know, but you guys just got married, you’re going to be having kids soon. You need space to start your family.”

“Space? It’s literally a palace, we’re not running low on spare rooms. Besides, you’re our family too, Liam and I having a baby would never change that.”

“I know. It’s just that everyone is starting to get their shit together. You and Liam just got married, Maxwell’s doing this whole book thing, Hannah is working on all that charity stuff. It’s time for me to start building my life.”

Riley wipes away a fake tear, pinching Drake’s cheek with her free hand, “Aww, my little Drakey is growing up.”

“Ha-Ha.” He said, swatting her hand away. 

“Drake, honestly, I think that’s great. Obviously it’s going to be a bummer that you’re not around as much, but I’m really happy for you.” She said earnestly. 

“Thanks, Brooks.” Drake starred out into the woods that surrounded his new home. “You know if someone had told me, when Maxwell walked on that plane with our waitress from the night before, that we’d be here right now, I would have thought they were certifiable.”

“I knew we would, even though things got kind of weird there with us for a minute.” She linked her arm in his and rested her head on his shoulder.

****

Applewood Manor - Social Season:

“If we’d met somewhere else...anywhere else. At a club in New York, or in an airport , or at a party. If you hadn’t been our waitress that night, and I hadn’t been sitting next to Liam. Do you think that all of this...do you think it could’ve been different...between us?”

“Drake, I’m here for Liam.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I...What am I doing? I need to go.”

****

Drake took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair. “Yea, I don’t think I ever really apologized to you for that whole thing.”

“You don’t have to, I don’t ever want you to think you have to apologize for how you feel. I’m just glad we’re able to be friends.”

“We were always friends, that’s the thing.”

“What do you mean?” She looked up at him, puzzled. 

“You know the story, I grew up a commoner among nobility. Nobody really cared to get to know me, so I built up walls and didn’t let people in. Liam was the only one that really cared enough to break through them. Until you. As hard as I tried to push you away and keep you out, you’d come back at me twice as hard. You’re kind of a pain in the ass.”

“One of my many charms.” Riley gave him a cheesy smile and batted her eyelashes. 

Drake let out a chuckle and shook his head, he continued, looking down into the glass of whiskey he had been nursing. “If that’s what you want to call it. Anyway, when we started getting close, I was feeling things that I had never felt about a girl before, I didn’t know what it meant.”

“So what cleared it up for you?”

“When you and Liam told us about your engagement. I was so happy for both of you. And that’s all I felt. There was no jealousy, no sadness, I was just happy for my friends. That’s when I realized that I do love you, but in the same way that I love Liam or Savannah. As a best friend, as family.”

Riley felt the tears build up behind her eyes. She and Drake were close, and yes, he had an undeniably marshmallowy center, but he had never actually used those terms about her. It hit a little different to actually hear him refer to her as a best friend, let alone family. Drake saw her holding back her tears and sarcastically rolled his eyes. He knew she was never going to let him live this moment down.

“You’re my best friend too, you know.” She replied, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. 

“I thought Maxwell was your best friend?”

“Nah, he’s my bestie, it’s different. He’s my party friend. The one I go to karaoke with, the one that watches old cheesy teen dramas with me when I need to unwind. He’s fun, I love him, he’s my brother, but he’s not my best friend.”

“I’m not fun?!” Drake made a shocked expression, and brought his hand to his chest in mock outrage.

She rolled her eyes, looping her arm through his and continued, “You’re a different kind of fun. You’re the kind of fun that reminds me of my previous life. When we hang out, it’s just like when I would hang out with my friends in New York. We give each other shit and complain about stuff. But I know when things get heavy, you’ll do whatever it takes to make sure I am happy and safe.”  

“...like get shot?” He looked over at Riley and cocked an eyebrow.

“Of course you go for the biggest example first. I was going to say share your whiskey with me.” She grabbed the glass from his hand and took a sip. As she lowered it from her lips, she grinned and held the glass up to Drake in a ‘cheers’ motion. He frowned at her and snatched it back, downing the rest of the liquid in one gulp, and placed the glass behind him on the porch. 

“For real though, Maxwell and Bertrand taught me all the proper etiquette, crap so I could make it at court, but you taught me how to survive court. That’s the reason Liam and I made it. You’re the reason Liam and I made it.”

“Nah, you guys would have made it with or without me. You’re made for eachother.”

“Careful, Walker, your marshmallow is showing.” Riley poked her index finger into Drake’s side with a wide grin.

“There you are, love. I was starting to fear that you had gone home without me.” Riley and Drake turned back to the door as Liam approached them, extending his hand toward Riley to help her up. 

“Never, My King. What’s the point of being home if you’re not there with me?” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek as he pulled her closer. 

Drake stood and wiped his hands on the front of his jeans as he faced his friends. 

“Drake, this has been a wonderful party, your new home is lovely. Unfortunately, Riley and I are going to need to take off. I have some early meetings in the morning.” Liam shook Drake’s hand and clapped him on the back.

“Yea, of course. I appreciate you guys taking the time to come.” 

“We’ll always have time for you Marshmallow. Please don’t ever forget that.” Riley pulled him into a tight hug.   

“I’m pretty sure you’d never let me.”

“Damn straight.” Riley smiled at him before taking Liam’s hand and walking down the porch steps to their waiting SUV. 

Drake started to walk back into the cabin, he paused and laughed to himself when he heard Riley raise her voice, annoyed, “He’s my BESTIE it’s different. Ugh, boys are so dumb!”

Tags:  @txemrn​ @texaskitten30​ @kingliam2019​ @anjanettexcordonia​ @twinkleallnight​ @mile9213​ @kittypryde-bipride​ @motorcitymademadame​ @kat-tia801​ @bebepac​ @gkittylove99​ @khoicesbyk​ @jessiembruno​ @queenrileyrose​ @athena-penrose​ @pixie88​ @eadanga​ @choicesficwriterscreations​ @iaminlovewithtrr​ @hopelessromanticmonie​ @annarenee355​ @burnsoslow​ @shewillreadyou​ @imturaxamara​ @gabesmommie1130​ @cordoniaqueensworld​ @marshmallowsaremyfavorite​ @hopefulmoonobject

[christiandomme]

Building dynamics and partnerships and being mad at ways the world isn’t built for me

A personal note since I am having so many feelings that it it is distracting me from other tasks and I am hoping shouting into the void might help...

NOTE: All y’all are welcome to join me in reading this and you can even share thoughts and wisdom. Heck, reblog if you so wish. EXCEPT you MT. I know you’re not on tumblr much right now but just in case you see this: let’s save talking about all this for a face to face convo. Everyone else, join me in my feelings. 

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I consider myself dispositionally polyamorous. If my religious community and my spouse both blessed it, I would 100% have multiple spouses. I know how I am wired and I know what would make for a thriving life. 

However, I count myself extremely fortunate that I am equally fulfilled by platonic/non-sexual life partners. For my happiness, sex is nice but optional, romantic-specific love is a mystery I have never kenned, and building life together and emotional intimacy is what fuels my heart. 

Thus! (with consent of my spouse) I have explored power exchange dynamics dynamics and platonic partnerships and it has been an amazing journey. 

But it has plenty of opportunities to make one heartsore. 

I was helping on of my sub’s make a Dr. appointment recently and I told the staff member on the phone ‘Hello, yes, my partner is looking for a new physician and I was wondering if you took his insurance.’ And I almost teared up after just being able to name that in such an ordinary way. 

But I have been on speaker phone with health care providers for another sub (to virtually join in on doctor visits where I was calling in to add some oomph to my sub’s self advocacy) and been introduced as ‘....my friend’ or ‘...my mentor’ to explain why this person with no legal or romantic relationship is being invited into such a vulnerable space.

Knowing that we’re not ever likely to go to each other’s family homes for winter holiday sits uneasy sometimes. 

I am blessed in that my spouse, and one of my sisters, and my best friends are all happily on this my-having-partners/subs bandwagon and so I can get a semblance of the joy that is family video calls with many of my people together (No, that is not sarcastic. I unironically love family video calls). 

But I have an opportunity with one of my subs to take the next 6-12 months for us to have a geographically closer dynamic. And one of the things standing in the way is how to introduce this mystery element to his family 

Yes, he/we’d have to explain it, yes his family would be weird about it. This is not a part of the story that can be problem solved away. I currently plan to throw my husband under the bus to take point on swaying my sub’s family because it is normal for men to meet other men and have friendships. But why would you build a connection with a woman if you could never marry her or have sex with her, amirite?? *throw up in my mouth* 

And I am so frustrated that I am vibrating. I want to live in a society where you can say, ‘hey I have a precious person and we are going to share a house together for a season of our lives and it is going to be awesome and nobody is having sex and nobody is getting married and if you want to buy us a platonic partnership gift, we need another single serving accessory for the ninja blender.’ 

And if anyone says anything about ‘why do we need special words?’ ‘why can’t we just say best friend like we did back in my day’ I am going to be very displeased. Because our society doesn’t save space for considering your platonic partner when making career decisions or how many bedrooms you are buying in a house or bringing adults to parent teacher conferences. And YES you can do it without those rhythms, obviously. But dang, I wish we did have that vocabulary and that ease. 

When someone asks how I’m doing: I’m not just worried about my spouse’s surgery- I am also carrying concern about one partner being in a cast and another starting a new job. And I want to be able to talk about it without someone telling me that I shouldn’t take too much of my friend’s worries on my own shoulders, they are independent adults. Well so is my spouse and you don’t think it is weird that I am sharing that burden of worry and recovery!

Anyway, this whole ridiculous post was initially going to be about how hard and vulnerable it is to ask someone to partner with you outside of socially dictated structures. 

I have a talk scheduled with MT this week to discuss about that geographical relocation opportunity thing, and I have to figure out how to be brave enough to really truly ask for what I want. My instinct is to make it easier on the other person when (I assume) they will tell me that my plea is insufficient. I prepare to save face and make it less difficult for someone to turn me down.  This isn’t an MT thing, this is my modus operandi. That feeling of ‘I know I won’t be enough’ so I prepare for how our connection will endure after you affirm that belief. 

And how this ties into the above rant is- it is a lot easier to say ‘I asked my partner to move in with me and he turned me down so I am sad and trying to figure out where our relationship is going’ vs ‘my sub passed on a chance to take our dynamic from long distance to in person and it makes me feel like I’m not worth fighting through the logistics for and what is my face even going to *look like* the next time he tells me that he is mine?’

And obviously I love him and we are going to work through it and whatever choice he ends up making we’ll figure out how to move our dynamic forward. That’s life. 

But in *this moment* when I am supposed to be catching up on work emails because I’ve been out sick for a week, and I can’t because my heart is just so, so sore, I can’t help but think of all the things that could make this situation a little bit easier. 

[chainofclovers]

It’s been awhile since my brain insisted on a Life In a Bulleted List post! (Please forgive any odd emotional leaps bullet to bullet.)

During the middle part of this week, my wife is going to travel for a work thing for the first time since February 2020. We’re both fully vaccinated, in a spot with low COVID numbers, and she’s going to a spot with low COVID numbers, and honestly, it feels weird to be the amount of worried I am, which is not very worried! Obviously COVID is still a massive problem worldwide, and of course we live in a country whose greed and foreign policies actively make things worse for other places, and of course it’s still very important to take every precaution here (we’re still wearing masks in stores/public places, for instance). But I’ve spent the last fifteen months with pretty painful anxiety, worry, and anger as my near-constant companions, and it is wild to think about my wife going off to a different area and to feel...pretty much OK with that. 

This will, however, be my first (and second and third) night spent without her since, yes, February 2020. And honestly, while it might be kind of a novelty this week to, like, eat something I like that my wife doesn’t, or to stay up writing until a not-very-sensible hour...all this time together has been great. Didn’t get tired of her once. (At least not anything a solo walk around the neighborhood or a solo trip to pick up groceries couldn’t fix.) We are very lucky. Understatement.

I am becoming a person who doesn’t kill every plant. And our yard is closer to “done” which is very exciting. And I’m finally getting to the point with container gardening where our food is semi-regularly seasoned with things I’ve grown. I’ve got a lot to learn but for awhile I was worried I would never be even partially successful.

Last week we found two young opossums dead in the backyard, quite far apart from each other. We couldn’t figure out what happened, but it’s possible they got into some poison elsewhere and ventured into our yard? I said some words over them (it’s not like we knew them but I suppose everything deserves to hear “you are loved and will be remembered” even if the people promising to remember you are just two random women) and we buried them and it was really sad. I love opossums, and I wish I knew what happened so I could try to prevent it in the future.

My writing brain continues to be entirely focused on fiction (well, fiction and my professional genre). I’m almost certain I’m currently setting a record for Longest Time Without Poetry since my childhood, maybe. It’s weird. But fiction! I’m having so much fun and feel so connected to everything I’m writing and thinking about, both in terms of orignal stuff and fic. I love the feeling of being out in the world doing mundane little things but in a good mood because of fiction. :) :) :) 

I haven’t watched all of this past Friday’s Fire Drill Friday yet, but I think Jane Fonda’s hair is getting more Grace Hanson-shaped as the G&F season 7 filming gets closer to resuming. I feel very convinced this is true, whether intentional or subconscious, and I hope it means they’re gonna let Grace’s hair go grey this season. I know there’s at least one interview in which she said that’s what she wanted to happen, plus the Grace wig visible in S7 BTS pics (since they started filming after she’d already changed her real hair) seems to have grey roots?!

Speaking of FDF, the guest was Demi Lovato and it is pretty wild how many people on the Instagram event announcement, people who claim to be a Jane Fonda fan or a fan of the environment or social justice or whatever could absolutely Not Handle It to see someone respectfully yet nonchalantly use the correct pronouns for a non-binary person? The sanctity of grammar argument is EMBARRASSING. The phrase “attention addict” is EMBARRASSING. Especially since judging someone for seeming like an attention addict seems like a slippery slope on Judgment Mountain to judging someone for their actual addictions, past or present. And since we as a society love to punish people for their addictions and weaknesses instead of celebrating the way that self-discovery and honesty and self-actualization give people the tools to be stronger and cope with their “weaknesses” more effectively. And I’m sorry, Gail, but if you aren’t thinking maybe it’s a little weird that an 83-year-old can use they/them pronouns in a sentence while you’re on her page performatively misgendering someone, then you aren’t embarrassed enough but I will feel embarrassed on your behalf. 

On a much, much, much happier note, baking with weed for older relatives is a love language. <3

And finally, on a very related note, I leave you with One Weird Trick your doctor won’t tell you for how to make sure you don’t forget which brownies are the special ones:

(Image ID: a white saucer containing two brownies. One is plain on top and the other is covered with a variety of rainbow sprinkles and colorful sugar.)

[averyonelovesjack]

cost of friendship III ~ daniel seavey

requested: yes

hiii can we please please please have another part to parties and the cost of friendship? love love love your writing!

hey hon just requesting a third part to 'cost of friendship' with dani whenever you have the time, thanks love

Hey! I hope things are going okay! I was reading your imagines and I'm a big fan of your works! I was just wondering if you were going to post a part 3 to "cost of friendship"? Just curious :) I understand if you discontinued it/you're on a break.

summary: six months into the relationship and just in time for the holidays, daniel and y/n recognize the difficulty in spending the holidays away from each other and have to determine if it’s worth breaking the secret.

warning(s): cursing

disclaimer: i use christmas and thanksgiving as plot points in this story because it fit better with the way i wanted the story to go, but feel free to replace them with any other holidays you celebrate!!

word count: 2740

author’s note: accidentally posted this, unedited, last night with no word count and the author’s note that i wrote in december of last year when i originally made the draft and didn’t write a single word of this story:) so now that it actually makes sense to post this, here is part three to cost of friendship! thanks for all these requests even tho they were clearly from a long time ago since cost of friendship II came out TWO YEARS AGO in september. welp hope this was worth the wait lol enjoy:))

read these first: part one, part two

six months with daniel went by really quickly. the summer was honestly a lot of fun. i could spent hours at the boys’ house and nothing was suspicious about it. i grew a lot closer with them all because we spent so much time together, and it wasn’t weird for me to hang out there, and i could see daniel whenever i wanted. we really got to know each other during the summer months. i had known daniel for a while now, but getting to know him on a relationship level was really nice.

summer ended pretty quickly though and then fall came. i was back in school. i didn’t think it would be hard to see him since i was still in the ending months of school when we started dating. i think that going from so much time together over the summer to only seeing each other a few hours a week was a really hard adjustment.

we promised we’d never let our schedules be a problem, but managing a full time student’s schedule and a singer’s schedule is really difficult. i had classes monday through friday, and any time i wasn’t in class, i was doing homework. that left my only free time during the week to be late at night. so we hung out late at night, but by the time we saw each other we were usually too exhausted to really do anything other than lay around and watch a show or talk for a little bit. weekends were usually better for me, but daniel had a crazy schedule that usually had studio time incorporated on the weekend.

we still made effort to see each other all the time we could, but it wasn’t easy. i think that probably plays into my current nerves. it’s early november and the stress of the holiday season had already gotten to me.

as a kid, the holiday season was the absolute best. thanksgiving meant seeing all of my family, including my cousins who were really close in age to me. and then the stretch between thanksgiving and christmas was my absolute favorite. it was filled with christmas music, christmas decorations, buying gifts, giving gifts, getting gifts, and again, seeing family. and don’t even get me started on new years. as a kid, staying up late was the absolute best thing. the sparking cider and noise makers were all the rave.

as a much older college student now though, it was a lot less fun. the holiday season meant figuring out plans and traveling home to see my family and not knowing which part of my family was actually gonna be available. it meant buying actual meaningful or useful gifts and then figuring out how to get them home. there was still the music and the lights, but i had no time to meaninglessly drive around los angeles and see the lights or spend hours around a fireplace watching christmas movies. i didn’t even have a fireplace to begin with.

the holiday season was also much more confusing this year because i had daniel. i’ve never even had a boyfriend during the holiday season, let alone a secret boyfriend. most of the things we went out and did we could pass off as just things we’re doing as close friends, but the holidays were different. friends don’t ditch the holidays with their family just to hang out with their friends family. i don’t even know if daniel and i are at the level in our relationship, and then even if we were, i couldn’t do anything about it because keeping our relationship a secret meant not being able to do the explicitly for couples holiday stuff.

as much as i think daniel and i are ready for the family stage in our relationship, neither of us have really talked about it because there’s not really much room to do it anyways. i’ve met daniel’s siblings and parents before, but never as anything more than a friend because it was too risky to tell anyone. and daniel’s never had an excuse to come meet my family since they aren’t just down the road like his.

the secret relationship really damaged my normal holiday mood and it honestly stressed me out. i have to book my plane home soon and to do that meant that there really was no chance that i’d spend the holidays with daniel. even with us only being together half a year, daniel meant so much to me. in every other relationship i’d been in, it felt like i was waiting for the relationship to end or i at least knew that it wasn’t going to last. it was different with daniel though and that was really hard since we couldn’t even tell anyone about it.

tonight is a friday and i had finally finished my work for the week. i was invited to a party, but i didn’t really feel like going since i was pretty tired from the week and i wasn’t in a party mood. daniel texted me soon after and asked if i wanted to come over. i wasn’t really in a socialization mood, but since it was just daniel and i haven’t seen him much recently, i said yes. he even said he would pick me up which made it ten times easier to say yes because he knows i don’t like taking ubers alone and i don’t have access to a car.

daniel picked me up at about 7. i didn’t feel like getting ready so i just wore my grey sweatpants and wdw tee that daniel had gotten me for free. daniel never seemed to mind my lazy outfits and i knew as soon as we got back he would change out of his jeans too.

“hi love, how was your day?” daniel asks as soon as i get in the car. i felt a little emotionally exhausted, but so happy to see daniel. the car was like our safe space because no one was around to walk in on us and we didn’t have to hide our feelings and actions.

“exhausting, but better now that i’m seeing you.” i admit.

“at least it’s the weekend now.” daniel says. “and i went to the studio a little early today so that we won’t have to go in this weekend and i can spend more time with you.”

“really?” i ask, that news brightening my day a little. “i was just about to ask how studio was today?”

“it was good. we worked on a new christmas song today when we were finished. i don’t know if we’ll ever release it but it was a lot of fun. i’m sure you’d love it.”

“you know how i feel about christmas music.” i grin. maybe a little daniel written christmas music will brighten my spirit in these next coming weeks.

“speaking of, i feel like you haven’t played any christmas music. i swear i barely knew you this time last year as compared to now but i knew how much you loved christmas music. i feel like you played it as soon as halloween was over.” daniel mentions and as much as i wanted to hold it back and not say anything, i felt too tired to not.

“i haven’t really been in the christmas spirit.” i admit with a sigh that i knew daniel would read through.

“i know the holiday season is hard. it’s been on my mind a lot too and i was hoping it wasn’t adding to your stress, but i should’ve said something sooner because i knew it would.” daniel says, looking over and gently ok in a hand on mine.

“it’s okay.” i say. “i probably wouldn’t have even admitted it until we got to a night like tonight where i’m honestly too tired to pretend i’m not stressed.”

“i’m sorry, love. do you want to talk about it?” daniel asks.

“it’s okay, i don’t even know what to say because we can’t even do anything about it.” i answer. “and i don’t want to stress you out with all of my little annoyances and sad things.”

“i know that the last few months haven’t been easy.” daniel starts, deciding for us both that nothing i could say would be too much for us. “with our schedules and then keeping it a secret.”

“it’s just-” i don’t even know where to start because i know when i’ll do i’ll either inevitably cry out of stress or sound angry with him when i’m not, i’m just annoyed at our situation. “it really sucks that i can’t spend any of the holidays with you and i fucking hate that because i love the holiday season and the spirit and i’m avoiding it because i don’t want to feel sad about us not being together for the holidays. and i love you. i love you so much and i want you to meet my family because i know they’ll love you, but it would be way too obvious for you to fly home with me for the holidays and there’s really no hiding that so i know it makes no sense to even think about that because it just makes me sad.”

“i love you too, y/n.” daniel says, still processing everything. “i didn’t know you wanted me to meet your family yet. i would love to, but i didn’t want to bring it up until you were ready.”

“are you kidding?” i laugh a little bit, looking over at him as he parked the car in the driveway but neither of us moved. “daniel, of course i want you to meet my family. i know they’ll love you because you’re you. god, ever since i told my sisters i have a boyfriend they’ve been begging me to tell them who so that they could meet you. i don’t know, the holidays have always just been about being with family for my family, and i’m sure yours too. you’re such an important part of my life now and i wish i could share you with them. it’s whatever, though. we shouldn’t talk about it because i know that it’s not possible.”

“what about thanksgiving with my family and christmas with yours?” daniel says and my heart skips a beat. “and then we can figure out new years later. i know you have to go home for christmas because you’ll get kicked out of dorms, and as much as i would love for you to just stay with us, i’m sure you want to go home and see your family.”

“daniel, as lovely as that sounds, you know how suspicious it would be for me to stay here for thanksgiving and for you to fly home with me? i don’t think even we would be able to keep that a secret.”

“fuck the secret, then, y/n.” he blurts out. “y/n, i don’t see us ending ever, and definitely not anytime soon and it’s not like we’re gonna keep this a secret forever. fuck the secret. corbyn was right, okay, the boys are gonna be happy for us. it’s not like they haven’t picked up on us being close these last few months and keeping this secret isn’t worth us being apart for the next few months, okay? it’s hard enough to spend only a few hours together a week, i don’t want to be away from you for all of thanksgiving and christmas too.”

“fuck the secret.” i say, with a smile forming on my face. “are we really doing this?”

“i see no better time than now, y/n.” daniel leans over the console to kiss my lips softly. “wanna go tell the boys now?”

“let’s do it.” i unbuckle my seatbelt with a weight lifted off of my shoulders. daniel and i meet in front of the car, our hands interlocking as we walked into the house as a non-secret couple for the first time.

the boys were all sitting in the living room and a movie was playing with all of the lights out. they all look over as daniel closes the door and the two of us walk over to them.

“y/n? what are you doing here? daniel didn’t tell us he was bringing you over.” zach says. “of course he just wants to hog you again.”

“do you guys wanna pause the movie for a second? we have some important news.” daniel says and we separate hands as to not give it away just yet.

“fucking finally.” jonah says.

“what?” i ask, wondering what he meant.

“i mean, i don’t want to be the one to say it and ruin it for you two, but i mean, come on, we’ve been waiting months for you to admit to it. so get on with it.” jonah gestures for us to continue. guess we weren’t as great secret keepers as we thought.

“y/n and i have been dating for about six months and kept it a secret from everyone.” daniel says and then takes my hand in his and pulls me closer so that i’m in his arms.

“SIX.” zach yells. “i knew there were vibes between you two but you guys are good. six months??”

“not that good.” corbyn mumbles, which causes the other three to look at him.

“you bitch!” jack then exclaims. “you knew? and you didn’t give me my damn money??”

“it’s their fault, they told me not to say anything!” corbyn defends, pointing a finger at the two of us. “i was not supposed to find out. i wish i didn’t, this was a lot of stress i didn’t need.”

“i would like my twenty bucks now, thank you very much.” jack says and corbyn quickly throws a twenty dollar bill at him.

“this is so unfair.” the ninteen year old looks at the rest of us. “jack gets twenty bucks, corbyn gets stress relief, daniel gets a girlfriend and it’s y/n. what do i get? i want something!”

“zach, i didn’t get anything from this either.” jonah reminds.

“shut up. you have a girlfriend.” zach screeches in his jokingly angry voice. “god, i’m so lonely.”

“i have a couple sisters, if you want.” i laugh a little. “you’d have to come home for christmas with danny and i, though.”

“and you’re leaving us for christmas? gosh damnit y/n, why can’t you guys stay with me for christmas?” zach exclaims, which makes us all laugh a little bit. i wasn’t sure how everyone was going to react, but this was a pretty funny one from zach.

“i hate to break it to you bud, but we’re, uh, all going home for christmas. we do every year.” jack sets a hand on his bandmates shoulder. “i’m pretty sure y/n would rather spend christmas with her boyfriend and her family than you, no offense.”

“what the fuck, y/n. you don’t wanna spend christmas with me?”

i’m laughing too much at this interaction to answer before jack.

“to be clear though, zach, i would choose to spend christmas with you.”

“well we have y/n for thanksgiving. we’re gonna see my family, so we’ll still be in la and can hang out. have our own little friendsgiving.” daniel suggests.

“no no no, i’m too lonely for friendsgiving.” zach expresses, deciding to be unhappy with everything we say just for the comedy of it. “i’m too single. you’re all in relationships, i can’t be the only lonely one.”

“um, bro, i too am single.” jack looks at him funny.

“okay, well yeah, but you have a child.”

“yes, a child who lives in hawaii. i’ll be your friendsgiving date.” jack offers.

“really? you meant it?” zach faked being emotional and jonah looks at them, then back at us with a funny look.

“well, now that we’ve dealt with... that, i just want to say we’re all really happy for you two.” jonah starts. “not that this is surprising to any of us, because there has been way too much sexual tension since we’ve all been friends for this to not have happened, but i’m very happy you decided to tell us.”

“are you guys gonna go public? like tell management?” corbyn asks.

daniel then looks at me a little nervously and then back at the guys, “yeah that’s the next thing we have to figure out.”

lovely.

[lostmoonbunny]

Greetings from a Panini World

Yes, I did call this a "panini". I'm hesitant to use the word "pandemic" as I feel many of us have a knee jerk reaction to hide from everything once hearing or seeing that word. However that's the current stat of events. The year? 2021 Where I am located its very much so post quarantine and society has attempted to "return to normal" but its impossible. Between the anti- maskers, anti-vaxxers, and everything else it truly is impossible. "What do you mean?" you ask, well allow me to take you on a journey of a human that has gone through this "history in the making" and share what its been like since January 2020 to September 2021 from the eyes of someone that lived it. -I will preface this with saying, there will be gaps, I have trouble with object permanence, concept of time, and I have memory issues due to past concussions so bear with me as we stumble through the memories of my experiences.

So here we go... Let's travel back to January 2020.

2020..Ahhh the big year of "Clear vision".. HA! No, not today. What I remember was being concerned about this horrible virus but didn't think it would make its way to where I lived.. ( I would be unsurprisingly corrected shortly after this.) I worked, had my birthday, and it was quickly February. The virus was quickly spreading and making its way downtown walking fast faces past.. oops..sorry I got sidetracked, it was making its way down throughout the nation. We celebrated my partner's birthday, and soon after the month was over. February always flies by. March...ahh March, this is where everything started changing for me. Many states were shutting down around us fairly quickly too. ( I have opinions about how the US should've shut down sooner, but we're not here for politics...but yes it should've happened sooner.) My partner, younger brother and I made a last minute trip to the next state for a day trip. Which was fun don't get me wrong but the places we went to shut down for the state's quarantine the next day. My state would follow barely a week later. I was furloughed. That..that was an experience. All of us received the same message as it was a group message. It stated that we were all effectively unemployed ( so we could apply for benefits if we chose to) and that if and when we reopen that they hoped we could come back. I immediately messaged my boss and the boss that messaged us all and double checked learning that I was on the "short list" for rehires. That made me fee a bit better but I was still sad. My partner was considered "an Essential worker" so they worked through the entire lockdown. I swear Animal Crossing New Horizons is one of the only things that got me through that.. from this all the days blended together till June. Not don't get me wrong, plenty of things happened on a personal growth side that was beneficial like I started going to therapy, got even closer to my cousin that lives on the west coast, I played with my cats and dogs more, I caught up on sleep, all sorts of things but the way it had to happen sucked. Also in this time period, my favorite uncle contracts the virus and is put in the ICU on a ventilator. I don't remember how long he was in there but he made it. He is now healthy and survived the virus. So lets fast forward to June. My place of work reopened under specific guidelines. Now I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but I live in the southeast. The southeast, in summer is AWFUL. Its hot, its humid, and then if it DOES rain that humidity just goes up and it gets worse. To give you an idea while the temperature might say its 84 degrees F but the real feel might be 95F. I don't know why they don't just say 95F but that's how it is the southeast... So imagine if you will mid June, being reopened with special rules, masks required for everyone 5 years old and older, and no buildings but restrooms open to the public. The amount of rude, hateful, uncaring people almost made me lose my complete faith in humanity, and its not very high to begin with. Also for context, I work in retail. I feel that says enough there. These rules extend till the end of the year and into part of 2021. While all of this is happening the US is having their presidential elections and everyone has crawled out of the woodwork that you had hoped would stay there. At this point I'm hoping for the best because we really need a paradigm shift in society. We need to truly need to change as a society and in many way, catch up to the rest of the world. I finally gave in a got to tiktok and realize that it is very much a time devourer. I've realized that I feel as if the term "Cassflux" fits how I feel about my gender best, and fully accepted my journey on the path of being a witch.

Lets move in to October, October I ( and my partner) travel to Texas (cautiously) for my cousin's socially distant wedding and our anniversary. That was amazing and the slight escape from reality was truly needed. On our way back we made a stop in NOLA and it was a fun visit, but I realized my baby witch self hadn't veiled or warded myself nearly enough and it got all of "spidey senses" all out of wack. knowing now what I should've done, I do want to go back. The rest of the year went by both incredibly slow and yet in a flash. The US elected a new president, I was working as hard a possible to avoid the virus as much as possible and my partner had gotten a new job with a different company that was making them more happy. So this brings us to 2021. This is the year that I feel that I am truly coming into my own despite living in the middle of a global Panda Express. January brings my turning a landmark age and celebrating it with a new hair style, new outlook on life, progress made in therapy, more self acceptance, and just overall more happiness. The world is still the same, better, but also worse. The vaccine is being produced, distributed, and made accessible. February brings another birthday with my partner's birthday. March rolls around and we jokingly celebrate our work's closing a year prior and then continue to work. The vaccine is made available to retail and food workers so I go and get the first round of the "Dolly Parton" vaccine with my co workers. (If you were wondering its Moderna) We go and receive the second dose later at the correct time. April and May kind of blend together for me because that the ramp up for the busy season at work. June & July are busy but everything is moving forwards. I finally take a step more into the current era of technology and upgrade my phone and computer. ( After several years of going back and forth of not wanting current gen tech or not, because that stuff be expensive!) I reconnect with an old friend and we have a much healthier friendship.

August....hecking August.. We are short staffed at work, busy as heck! My partner is also hecking busy by being called in for almost every problem. The world is deffo changing. The US is in a state of nah nah a boo boo with vaccinating vs not, virus outbreaks having an uptick, universities starting back, Texas deciding that the government gets a say in a woman's reproductive rights... sorry I'll try to not get political. My ( like many others) using tiktok as a means of escape from this reality.. I'm so beyond mentally exhausted by everything that I just want to be somewhere that I can breathe a bit more easy... Its deffo not the southeastern US. September: I. am. exhausted. Working a bunch. Dealing with people doubting the virus, the usual Karens and Richards, counting down my days to vacation. My partner is beyond exhaustion. They've worked more in the past six weeks that they have in two years. The 20th year of 9/11 comes and goes. Not to sound like a country song, but remembering where I was at the moment the planes hit is something that has stuck with me...despite my concussions. I was in my English class and its was between classes and they had the tvs on. So many parents were coming and calling their kids out the school got to the point they weren't going to let kids leave.. ( if the parents complained enough they did.. I was a poorer kid in a more affluent school) My parents weren't going to take me out of school so I finished the day out in a state of confusion, not understanding the gravitas of what was going on, and not understanding was the emotions I was feeling watching the crashes were. I don't claim to even comprehend the emotions of this date to people who lost loved ones in the crashes, or in the oncoming days of the country going to war, I just know how it felt as a child to see something so major happening. I feel its like the kids now living through this panic at the disco. [[If you read this and you lost someone due to either of these horrific events please know that I in no way am invalidating or belittling your feelings or experiences. I merely am trying to describe all of how I feel throughout 2020- roughly current day 2021 and these are the things I was thinking and feeling on this particular day.]]

The days start to blend again as I attempt to countdown the days till my short vacation. Once that starts I get to finally relax as does my partner. The amount of sleep my partner has gotten is incredible and they deserve it dang it! This brings us to today, The last day of September 2021. This are changing at work and I'm not wholly sure of how I feel but I know it will be an interesting discussion for me to have with my therapist coming up. That's all I've got for now.. Hopefully I'll pop back in sooner to give more perspective on what its like living through all of this chaos. Just keep moving forward.

[crygimethydgoode]

Lover’s Fantasia Chapter 3 (Crystal Methyd x Gigi Goode RPDR12) Something About the Sunshine

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32286397/chapters/80491075

Summary: Two months after season 12 finished filming, Crystal and the Get Dusted Girls go to Los Angeles to visit Gigi and the House of Avalon. Meanwhile in Amsterdam, Crystal and Gigi are learning to be friends again. 

seeing you in a whole new light

June 28th, 2021

Amsterdam

Crystal and Gigi sat in silence on the balcony for a few moments, not sure where to even start. Where do you start with someone you haven’t spoken to in almost a year? How do you face the person who had kept you awake for days and days? How do you open a wound that you tried so hard to stitch up? Gigi wasn’t sure if there was a right answer or an answer at all. Nonetheless, the hard part was over, she crossed the line. But where do they go from there? Thankfully, Crystal started the conversation.

“This isn’t how I expected my first day in Amsterdam to go,” She joked, offering a small smile. Gigi chuckled, nerves starting to settle.

“That’s the understatement of the year,” she muttered. They laughed together for a moment, it was nice. Gigi felt nostalgic, almost. She relaxed. “Uhm- Jaida and Michelle didn’t tell me you would be here. Granted, I don’t think they knew any better. They probably thought it would be a cool surprise or something,” Gigi joked. Crystal took a hit of her joint, not reaching Gigi’s gaze.

“I… didn’t tell anyone, only Lux, and Daya,” she whispered. “It just... it wasn’t easy to talk about. It still isn’t.” Gigi searched Crystal’s face for a hint at what she could possibly be feeling right now, but as always, she only drew blanks.

“Believe me, I know. I didn’t tell many either. Just the ones who mattered,” Gigi said. She wracked her brain searching for the right words, but every phrase she came up with seemed dumb or cringey. God, this was harder than she expected.

“Shit! Ouch ouch ouch!” Crystal yelped, burning herself on her joint. Gigi couldn’t help but smile. It was just... Crystal.

“I-Uh, I know we haven’t been okay,” Gigi started weakly. “We were both hurting and needed time and… and I was okay, but I hated not being your friend. And I know so many things have been left unsaid and trust isn’t built overnight but… can we just be fine for now?” Gigi looked out at the canal below them only to be greeted with the moon's reflection in the water. “Plus,  look where we are!” she breathed, still in awe of the beauty of Amsterdam. “It’s not worth it, worrying about our past isn’t worth it when we have this… future,” Gigi said all in one breath. She looked up, Crystal just grinned at Gigi, eyes shining.

“So let’s be okay. We’ll move on… for now. Because I just-  I’m so happy we’re here, even if we didn’t both mean to be here,” Crystal said, trying to hide the excitement in her voice. Gigi’s stomach flipped, but she ignored it. She had Crystal back, that’s what mattered. “God, I have so much to tell you,” Crystal laughed, taking another hit. Gigi found herself grinning wider than she had for an entire year.

“You’re not ready to hear some of the bullshit I need to tell you about,” Gigi said. Crystal looked at Gigi, it felt weighted. She smiled, scooting her chair closer to Gigi’s and passing her the joint.

“I’ve missed you,” Crystal said, fighting back a smile. Gigi hit the joint, simply looking at Crystal as she exhaled, feeling content.

“I missed you too,” Gigi said and fought back the urge to reach for Crystal’s hand.

‘Old habits die hard’

November 2019

Los Angeles

“Okay, Gigi. Now, I know that old habits die hard. But you’ve got this, okay?” Hunter said in the driver's seat, glancing at Gigi in the passenger seat.

“Okay,” Gigi agreed, but she couldn’t wipe that stupid smile off her face. In 20 minutes Crystal would be in LA, and Gigi would finally get to see her. Yes, it was only four days. But she knew those four days would be everything and more. Gigi couldn’t wait. She, Hunter, Rosy, Symone, and Rubber Child were piled into Hunter’s jeep, windows down, and Gigi swore the sun was shining just for them.

“Now Gigi,” Hunter began. “You’re not going to flirt and be all crazy for Crystal because...?” he prompted. With a roll of her eyes, Gigi answered.

“Because she’s unattainable.”

Hunter had been “coaching” Gigi in the weeks leading up to Crystal’s arrival. She couldn’t blame him either. Someone in the group had to have common sense. She did listen to Hunter and really was committed to not flirting with Crystal. In front of him.

Because while Gigi was listening to Hunter, coming up with diversion tactics, and swearing up and down she was over Crystal, she was also having sleepovers with Symone and Rosy, where they stayed up until the early hours of the morning wondering how things would go when Crystal came to L.A. Coming up with all the different ways Crystal might confess her undying love for Gigi. It was a really good balance.

“Okay OR, hear me out,” Rubber interrupted. “Convince Crystal to dump her boyfriend and FUCK HER!” Gigi, Rosy, and Symone burst out laughing while Hunter just shook his head, trying to fight back a smile.

“ALRIGHT, BUT YOU COULD DO IT GIGI! YOU COULD DO IT!” Symone got out between laughs. “I stalked the hell outta this Paul. He’s... he’s okay. But he’s got NOTHING on you, Gigi! AND he followed me on Tiktok! And I think he knows that I know it’s him,” Symone said scandalously.

“HE FOLLOWED YOU ON TIKTOK!?” Rosy screeched, eyes frantic.

“YES, AND IT TERRIFIED ME IT’S MY PRIVATE TIKTOK!” Symone yelled back as Rubber muttered “Stalker,” under her breath. Gigi slowly stopped laughing and shifted in her seat to look at the three girls.

“Yeah,” She breathed, a sad smile on her face. “But Crystal wants to be with him, so... I don’t know. I don’t like to think about him much. It’s like... he’s not relevant to... us. Ugh, that sounds cheaty. I don’t know…” Gigi trailed off. “Nothing is gonna happen between me and Crystal as long as they’re together, so…”

“So we’re gonna break them up?” Rubber asked, a shit-eating grin on her face. Before Rosy and Symone could start cheering, Hunter interrupted.

“NO. We’re not breaking anybody up. That’s horrible,” he scolded them. “But this is my whole point. Crystal is in a relationship. We know they’ve been together a while now. And you’re just setting yourself up for heartbreak, Geege. What are you gonna do if god forbid, someday she posts on Instagram and she has a wedding ring or something?”

“I would manifest Paul away!” Rosy exclaimed, grinning brightly.

“I would say 50% of marriages end in divorce,” Symone smirked, shooting Gigi a wink in the rearview mirror.

“I would kill him,” Rubber said easily. “Comforting a widow is so sexy.”

“RUBBER NO!” Everyone yelled, and then they were all laughing, wind whipping through their hair.

“Okay no to all of that. You would say ‘In another life.’ Dumbass,” Hunter tried to sound serious, but now he was grinning too, and Gigi knew he was excited, no matter how stern he’d been attempting to act.

“Well, I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, right?! I’m over her!” Gigi gave her biggest shit-eating grin to Hunter, who just reached up and lightly punched Gigi in the arm.

“You’re lucky I love you kid,” he shook his head. Gigi couldn’t contain her excitement as Hunter took the exit, turning back again to grin at Symone, Rubber, and Rosy who were bouncing in their seats. As soon as Hunter found a parking spot, Gigi was out of the jeep, speed walking into the airport. The group had to jog to catch up with her. She walked into the airport and looked around for a moment. The last time Gigi had been there, Crystal had been crying in her arms, not wanting to say goodbye but knowing she had to. The last time Gigi had been there, she was broken. Now she couldn’t stop looking in every direction, trying to spot a head of dark brown curls and a bright pink suitcase. Trying to find the small piece of herself that had been in Missouri for nearly three months now.

And finally, she saw her. There Crystal was at the top of the escalator, stuck behind a crowd of people. She hadn’t spotted Gigi yet, she was also looking around the airport. Was she looking for Gigi?

Gigi waved an arm in the air, trying to make eye contact with Crystal. Finally, she saw them. Crystal’s bright brown eyes landed on Gigi, and her face immediately broke into a grin. And Gigi forgot how to breathe.

She knew Lux and Daya were behind Crystal, but barely noticed. Because suddenly Crystal was on the move, unashamedly pushing past people on the escalator, never losing her smile, never breaking eye contact with Gigi. And before Gigi even had a chance to comprehend everything that was happening, Crystal launched herself into Gigi’s arms, face burrowed in her neck.

“Hi,” Crystal said gruffly, arms wrapped tight around Gigi. All Gigi could do was squeeze Crystal harder, forehead on her shoulder.

She was here. She was here. She was here.  

Gigi wasn’t sure who’s heart was beating faster, who was whispering “I missed you I missed you I missed you I missed you” like it was a prayer. All she knew was that she had never been hugged tighter, had never felt so relieved to see someone. Crystal pulled away, still holding Gigi in her arms, just grinning at her, studying every last detail of her face. Gigi pretended not to notice the tears in Crystal’s eyes.

“Hello,” Gigi whispered, and Crystal pulled her into another hug. She was shaking. Or maybe that was Gigi. And then they were ripped apart by Rosy and Symone, who were now crowding around Crystal. Gigi saw the Get Dusted girls come up behind them, Hunter and Rubber walking over to join them. And all of a sudden they were having a family reunion in the middle of the airport, despite the fact that none of them actually knew each other.

Luckily Gigi had stalked the hell out of Lux and Daya on social media so she could tell who she was hugging. Gigi could feel Crystal watching them, wanting them to like each other so much. As she laughed her head off with Lux and Daya, all Gigi could think was how on earth could she not love them?

Eventually, Gigi found her way back to Crystal, who was talking to Symone, laughing at something she had just said.

“I like this one!” Symone exclaimed to Gigi. Crystal gave a soft smile and turned to Gigi.

“Symone likes me,” she said matter of factly. Gigi just smiled and threw an arm around Crystal. She could see Rosy whispering something to Lux and dissolving into giggles. They were definitely laughing at Crystal and Gigi. Good. For the first time since August, Gigi felt complete again. The small piece of her heart that belonged to Crystal was back with her. Home.

What a weird concept, home.

Gigi felt like she had so many homes. Chicago, with her parents and brothers. Where she could laugh the day away, feeling safe and content, head in her mom's lap, home. And of course the House of Avalon, with Gigi’s chosen family. Late nights with everyone scream-laugh-crying in the living room, where Gigi could truly be herself and never feel insecure. Home.

And then Gigi just knew the feeling of home.

Legs tangled with Crystal in the back of the van, whispering back and forth. Holding Crystal’s hand in the untucked lounge, knowing it was the only thing keeping her grounded. Foreheads nearly brushing, passing a joint back and forth in the bathtub. Waking up to Crystal’s hand clasped tightly in hers. Crystal’s face buried deep in Gigi’s neck, neither of them wanting to let go, neither of them wanting to say goodbye. Crystal launching herself into Gigi’s arms in the middle of the airport, that familiar fire burning in Gigi’s chest. Home.

The group of eight made their way to Hunter’s jeep which seated five, and Gigi laughed as she realized just how tight the seating arrangement would have to be. Oh no. Oops.

“This is why I wanted you three to stay home,” Hunter said to Rosy, Rubber, and Symone who just mischievously grinned at Hunter.

“It’s okay! We can squeeze!” Rosy exclaimed.

“I WANNA SIT WITH GIGI!” Crystal burst out. Gigi just laughed and lifted her hand to run her fingers through Crystal’s curls.

“Good. Cause I have a surprise for you,” Gigi smirked as she pulled a pre roll out of her pocket. Crystal gasped, looking between Gigi and the joint. Could her smile get any bigger? Any brighter? Could she get any more beautiful?

“You’re the love of my LIFE GIGI GOODE!” Crystal laughed and immediately jumped into the jeep, Gigi closely following behind. Hunter was driving, with Rubber in shotgun on aux. Crystal and Gigi shared the window seat behind Hunter, Crystal practically on Gigi’s lap. Symone sat sandwiched between Lux and Daya, who were all silently shaking with laughter. Rosy pulled her knees to her chest, ducked her head, and sat on the floor, leaning against Symone and Daya’s legs.  

A very safe seating arrangement, thank you very much.

When they were finally on the highway, Gigi lit the joint, holding it up to  Crystal’s lips. When Rosy whined asking for a hit, Gigi just looked at her.

“Sorry Rosy, only people in the top three of RuPaul's Drag Race season 12 are allowed to smoke in the jeep,” Crystal replied easily. Everyone laughed, even Hunter, who had been trying to catch Gigi’s eye since they left the airport. Gigi knew he would give her shit later, knew he was cursing her in his head right now. But Crystal was so close, leaning over Gigi to blow smoke out of the window, wind whipping through her hair, a playful smirk on her face. So close. And Gigi couldn’t bring herself to care.

She was here. She was here. She was here.

Amsterdam

And so Crystal and Gigi were… friends again? Or they were trying to be. Jaida and Michelle had taken them all through Amsterdam, showing off their favorite spots and restaurants. Gigi had fallen completely in love with the tall, slanted buildings, leaning on each other like drunken sailors. Both Crystal and Gigi found themselves looking around the city in awe, crossing little bridges over the canal, the sun shining in their eyes.

It was alarmingly easy for them to fall back into their old habits, the two being attached at the hip again. Yes, they were still a bit hesitant. Crystal was different, Gigi couldn’t help but notice. But in a good way. She was much more confident, more sure of herself.

Gigi wondered if Crystal was thinking the same thing about her. Wondered if Crystal saw how much Gigi had grown up, how much she had transformed herself. She wanted Crystal to notice. Wanted Crystal to be impressed with her. And maybe she was noticing. Because every now and then Gigi would catch Crystal looking at her. But she’d never look away when they made eye contact. No. Instead, Crystal would shoot Gigi the biggest grin, eyes wild with excitement and wonder. And Gigi really had fallen in love with Amsterdam, her new favorite city.

Once Thursday hit though, Jaida made it very clear they were working Drag Queens now. On Saturday nights, they had a show at the Queen’s Head. Then a Sunday night drag show at Amstel54. On Tuesdays, they were hosting Drag Bingo at the Queen’s Head. Gigi knew Crystal was excited about that; it was one of her favorite gigs back in Springfield. Finally on Wednesday nights they had another drag show at Vrankrijk.

While Gigi would only work some weekends in L.A., she was excited to completely throw herself into drag nearly every day for two months. She just prayed her skincare routine was strong enough. She was also excited to meet all the Amsterdam queens. She had looked a lot of them up, along with binge watching Drag Race Holland, and knew they were all gonna get along fabulously.

So on Friday night, Crystal and Gigi shared a joint on the balcony and met Jaida and Michelle outside the coffeeshop.

“ARE YOU BITCHES READY TO GO?!” Jaida screamed when she saw them, a bright grin on her face. Gigi knew she’d been pregaming. “I can’t drive. I... cannot drive. And my Michelle is from New Jersey. So over my dead body is she driving. And I KNOW you two can’t drive. Gigi, you're a lightweight when it comes to weed and Crystal... I just don’t trust you driving the car. I know you too well. So I called an Uber!” Jaida grinned, and Michelle let out a cheer. Right on cue, the Uber pulled up, and they all climbed in. It was a pretty tight fit, considering they were all dressed up in bulky garments with big hair and in Crystal’s case, five pounds of jewelry. Gigi didn’t mind. Crystal sat between Gigi and Jaida, while Michelle sat shotgun, speaking fluent Dutch with the driver.

“What the fuck?” Gigi muttered, sharing a confused look with Crystal who was giggling.

“Michelle learned Dutch in quarantine. I don’t know why. She didn’t even know we were coming here when she learned it,” Jaida whispered, trying not to laugh.

“I’m trying to learn Spanish on Duolingo. I don’t... I don’t understand the sentences... they’re so weird,” Crystal commented, and the three dissolved into laughter in the backseat.

“Are you assholes talking about me?” Michelle turned around in her seat, shooting a playful grin to the back.

“NO!!” Crystal, Jaida, and Gigi yelled at the same time, doubled over in laughter. In five minutes, the car stopped, pulling up to the Queen’s Head. The street was so narrow, Gigi wasn’t sure if the car was technically allowed to be driving on it. It looked like a bike lane, just tall buildings and thin sidewalks on either side of the street. Jaida pointed towards the Queen’s Head, it was so small Gigi nearly missed it. But she could clearly see a white crown decal on the window, multiple rainbow flags hanging above the door.

“Cmon bitches! Let’s go!” Jaida grinned, leading them into the bar. The first thing Gigi could make sense of was all the red. Old, old red wallpaper, an old, glossy, cherry wooden bar. Deep, fluorescent red lights filled the room, with golden crystal chandeliers scattered throughout the bar  . It was long and narrow, much like Gigi’s apartment. Much like everything in Amsterdam. There was a thin stage to the left, with glittery red curtains as a backdrop. And the bar was packed, bursting with energy. Gigi was immediately blown away.

Jaida led them downstairs, and into the smoking-room where a group of Drag Queens were sitting around. Gigi immediately recognized a few and realized these were the queens she would be working with for the whole summer. The queens immediately turned to them, letting out a cheer. Crystal and Gigi were pulled into the middle of the circle, being bombarded with hugs, kisses, and hurried introductions. Gigi wasn’t sure if they were speaking English or if she had just picked up the Dutch language really fast. After they had been passed around the circle, Jaida spoke up. “LADIES! I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO CRYSTAL METHYD AND GIGI GOODE!'' She exclaimed.

“OH you’re the queens who are dating, right?” One of the Dutch queens asked in English, her accent thick. Fuck. Gigi had forgotten about that. Luckily, Crystal swooped in, saving the day.

“We haven’t confirmed or denied anything. Gotta wait for All-Stars, you know?” Thank God for Crystal Methyd. Everyone laughed, and then they moved on, answering questions about how they liked the city, what area their apartment was in. Gigi got yelled at for not liking stroopwafel. And then, the show began. It was unlike anything Gigi had ever been to. Yes, she’d been to raging fun drag shows, but this was on another level. The crowd was electric, and it seemed as though a part of that electricity entered the queens, shocking them into giving the greatest performances Gigi had ever seen. There was lightning in the air when it came to the Amsterdam drag scene. And Gigi felt it.

When it was her turn to perform, she wasn’t nervous at all taking the stage. She was ready. As the opening notes to “Los Ageless” by St Vincent started playing, Gigi could already hear the crowd going crazy.

“In Los Ageless, the winter never comes. In Los Ageless, the mother's milk their young” Gigi lip-synced to the sultry song, collecting tips people in the crowd were already holding out for her. And there was Crystal, standing against the wall with Jaida, just watching Gigi fondly. But now wasn’t the time for Gigi to be distracted.

“How can anybody have you? How can anybody have you and lose you? How can anybody have you and lose you and not lose their minds, too?” Gigi had listened to this song so many times in the past year, driving through L.A. with Hunter, Rosy, and Symone. Thinking about... everything. Thinking about Crystal. Missing what could’ve been.

Gigi wished she had known about Crystal when she was choosing all the numbers for Amsterdam. And she soon found out that Crystal was feeling the exact same way. She took the stage, her song began, and Gigi immediately recognized it. Crystal used to play it every time Gigi gave her aux.

“Release me, release my body. I know it’s wrong, So why am I with you now? I say release me, Cause I’m not able to convince myself that I’m better off without you.” Gigi had laid in bed with Symone and Rosy countless nights, dissecting the song, “Release Me” by Agnes, wondering if Crystal thought about Gigi every time she listened to the song, the same way Gigi thought about her.

Crystal commanded the stage, entrancing everyone in the audience. Entrancing Gigi. And was Gigi crazy, or was Crystal really looking over at her every now and then, almost like she was serenading her? “I don’t know why I want you so. Cause I don’t need the heartbreak. I don’t know what addictive hold, you have on me I can’t shake”  

What was this, fucking Glee?

Crystal finished her number to thunderous applause and joined Gigi at the bar. They sat in silence together for a moment, listening to Jaida and Michelle on stage.

“ALL RIGHT Y’ALL now I’m not much of a singer, but Miss Visage is. And we wanted to do something special for you tonight so...” Jaida trailed off, looking at Michelle.

“Plug your ears folks, Jaida and I are about to sing you a song!” Michelle cheered, and the karaoke track to “Nothing’s Gonna Stop us Now” by Starship started playing.

“Looking in your eyes I see a paradise. This world that I’ve found is too good to be true,” Jaida sang, and Gigi and Crystal couldn’t stop laughing. While Michelle had a stunning voice, Jaida’s singing had them both in stitches, tears in Crystal’s eyes. And once Jaida and Michelle started their impeccable choreo, Gigi had to grab Crystal’s arm so she wouldn’t fall out of her chair. Crystal’s hand met Gigi’s, and they just screamed their faces off for Michelle and Jaida. Then, Jaida did a dance move that made Crystal go absolutely wild, jumping out of her seat.

“SHE DID A JUST DANCE MOVE SHE DID A JUST DANCE MOVE!” Crystal yelled to Gigi, still holding her hand, doing the move over and over. And all Gigi could do was watch her, the biggest smile on her face. Gigi’s phone started to buzz, and she saw that Hunter was calling. With a shrug, she put down her phone and joined Crystal on the dance floor. And they were electric.

Los Angeles

Gigi was almost freaked out by how normal things were with Crystal. A part of her was nervous she’d make a fool out of herself, fawning over Crystal like an idiot. But the minute Gigi saw her at the top of the escalator in the airport, it was like they hadn’t been apart for nearly three months. It was like Gigi hadn’t spent every night missing Crystal, hoping she was thinking about her too. Because she was here.

Everyone adored Crystal, Lux, and Daya. Rosy always had the biggest grin on her face, sandwiched between Lux and Daya, laughing at everything they said. Symone was taking pictures of everything they did, sending them to Gigi at the end of the night, always saying the same thing. “I LOVE THESE BITCHES SO MUCH!” And Hunter made it his mission to learn everything about them, which Gigi was so grateful for. How did she not know Crystal was lactose intolerant? How did she not know she wanted to own a house in GERMANY? Gigi was a little concerned. How was she pining for someone she knew barely anything about? But with one look at Crystal, Gigi found she didn’t care. When she was with Crystal, everything made sense. Nothing else mattered. Because she was here.

She was here. She was here. She was here.

Of course, Gigi knew it was temporary. On Monday night Crystal would fly back to Missouri, and Gigi wouldn’t see her again until the Drag Race premiere. They had to make the most of these four days. So on Saturday night, after they finished another performance at one of the clubs In L.A., Gigi led the Get Dusted girls into the House of Avalon, and chaos ensued. What was a trip to L.A. without going to one of Avalon’s iconic house parties?

Daya immediately went for a bottle of tequila, pouring shots into her mouth. Of course, they had hotboxed Hunter’s jeep on the way back from the club, sharing another three spliffs. Gigi had never partied with Crystal like this before. She was radiant. Electric. Gigi could feel it.

Rosy was in the kitchen making vodka cranberries for her and Lux.

“Only the finest for us ladies!” Lux cheered, being pulled into a hug from Rosy. Hunter and Marko were setting up the dab rig, a Volcano. Symone was sipping at a white claw, occasionally taking a swig of Daya’s tequila. And Crystal went straight to the vodka, taking two double shots back to back, chasing them with a glass of Rosé.

“Holy fucking shit,” Gigi burst out laughing,  wrapping an arm around Crystal. She turned facing Gigi, holding her in her arms.

“I like it!” Crystal grinned, eyes bright. Gigi was grinning too, completely enraptured by Crystal.

“What?” Gigi asked, leaning forward.

Crystal was leaning forward too.

Gigi’s body was on fire. Her hands, which had fallen to Crystal’s waist, were tingling. She couldn’t tell if this was because she was high, or because she was so close, so... golden. So close.

And then Crystal’s face was pressed into Gigi’s neck, and Gigi just prayed Crystal couldn’t feel her pulse, her heart was pounding so fucking fast. She also hoped Crystal’s makeup wouldn’t smudge. But she really didn’t care.

And then someone was tapping on her shoulder- Hunter, of course. He was holding the volcano bag out. Gigi shot him a dirty look, taking the bag. She took a hit, emptying half of it. As Gigi exhaled, all she could think was ‘don’t cough don’t cough don’t cough.’ Not in front of Crystal.

“OKAY GIGIIIIIII,” Crystal screeched, throwing her arms in the air,  Rosé (not the Drag Queen. This is pre- season thirteen so i can’t even make a joke about her) dangerously splashing in its glass. Rosy, Lux, Symone, and Daya immediately started cheering, and all Gigi could do was smile, holding the volcano bag up to Crystal’s mouth.

She took a long hit, emptying the rest of the bag, blowing the smoke in Gigi’s face. She handed the bag back to Hunter and tried not to laugh at his bewildered expression as he slowly backed away with Marko, almost... impressed. Ha. “Are you gonna drink?” Crystal asked, holding her wine glass out to Gigi. Gigi chuckled, accepting a sip of the wine.

“I have a feeling I’m gonna have to take care of all of you. I like smoking better anyways,” she answered, smiling softly at Crystal. How was she so beautiful?

Was Gigi going to feel that fire burning in her chest every time she was with Crystal?

“Ohhhh okay. I like smoking better too,” Crystal was starting to get drunk. Her eyes were glazed over, a goofy smile on her lips. “I wish you woulda told me! I’d be... I’d be not drunk with you. I would. But I... I think it’s too late,” she giggled, and her laugh was contagious. Gigi joined, and they stood in the middle of the kitchen, just laughing in each other's arms.

As the night progressed, Crystal got drunker, Rosy’s laugh got louder, and Daya moved onto a second bottle of tequila, having poured most of its contents into all of the partygoers' mouths. Symone had crushed four more white claws and an undisclosed amount of shots from Daya’s tequila bottle, and Hunter and Marko had probably filled the volcano twenty times. Lux had gone to the bathroom sixteen times, taking a mirror selfie with everyone she’d seen in the bathroom. And Gigi... fell harder. She hadn’t known that was possible. But Crystal was just so damn funny and happy and bright. And once she had finished her second White Claw, Crystal was completely unhinged. “I WANNA PLAY JUST DANCE! I WANNA PLAY JUST DANCE! HUNTER!! HUNTER GET THE JUST DANCE!” she yelled, running through the house, Gigi laughing in her trail.

“I... I’m sorry, Crystal. We don’t have Just Dance,” Hunter said kindly while Marko silently laughed behind him, shoulders shaking. Crystal just gaped at him for a moment, before turning around to look at Gigi.

“Oh...” she was disappointed, and Gigi couldn’t help but feel bad. And then Crystal’s face lit up again. “I still know the moves!” She exclaimed, and started doing what Gigi could only guess were Just Dance moves. Rosy saw her first and rushed over to join Crystal. Symone, Lux, and Daya followed, dancing around Crystal, arms in the air. “GIGI DANCE WITH ME!!!” Crystal laughed, holding her hand out. Gigi immediately took it, allowing Crystal to pull her into the dance... clump. The Just Dance party? “Twirl baby, twirl!” Crystal cheered, twirling Gigi under her arm. Her face was on fire, and the floor was crackling with electricity, and Gigi didn’t know where her body ended and where Crystal’s began.

And maybe she never wanted to find out.

Gigi didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was the loud music. Maybe it was the dabs. Maybe Gigi just didn’t care. But something gave her the courage to lean forward, lips brushing against Crystal’s ear to whisper.

“You know we could always be like this?”

Amsterdam

Over the next few days, Gigi really started to feel at home in Amsterdam. She was having the time of her life, venturing further out, really getting to see everything the city has to offer. And by her side was Crystal, with Jaida and Michelle trailing behind, sunglasses on, cackling about the dumbest thing. Gigi loved it. Life was just better in Amsterdam. She loved going into random restaurants with Michelle and ordering takeout to bring back to Jaida’s apartment, where the four of them would sit around the small table, passing all the different food around.

“It’s like... Dutch food roulette,” Jaida wiped tears away from her eyes after spitting out some herring. “I don’t care for that fish,” she squirmed, sipping her drink. Everyone around the table just laughed. One day, Gigi did a museum crawl with Jaida while Michelle and Crystal took a cruise around the canals together, mimosas in hand. Jaida was surprisingly a geek going to all the museums, stopping to read every sign, discussing every exhibition in detail with Gigi, who really just liked looking at the cool sculptures and pretty paintings. But she pretended to care for Jaida because she owed her. It was easier to breathe in Amsterdam. Everything just... made sense. She knew she was meant to be there, growing into someone new, someone better.

“I told you, Hunter. Amsterdam is still my fresh start. Crystal isn’t gonna… uproot everything. All that shit we went through... it forced me to grow so much. I’ve got this! Amsterdam is about me taking a small break before my next big chapter, and where I’m going to start anew. It’s not about… like… I know I said I wanted to find my old self again, or whatever. But I was so young, so… I don’t know. I’m happier now. Why would I want to go back to who I was before?” Gigi was FaceTiming with Hunter while removing her makeup after the Sunday night show. Hunter was at a noisy 4th of July BBQ, screaming kids and adults alike running around behind him.

“It was never about going back to who you were, Gigi. It’s just… you finally found your joy again. We all saw it. And I was so happy because I had missed it. A lot. And I’m just worried that something is gonna happen and you’re gonna lose that joy again. But I trust you. And you do look happier, I see it. I’m happy for you, kid. Just...” Hunter trailed off.

“I know,” Gigi lied. “I’ve got this. I don’t see her all that much outside of work and meals anyways,” Why did she have to throw that in? “Alright, I’m gonna take a shower. I’ll talk to you soon, bye bitch!” Gigi hung up, blowing Hunter a kiss. She quickly went to the bathroom, taking a short shower. Once Gigi was changed, she heard the familiar sound of Crystal stepping out onto the balcony. She counted to ten, and like clockwork, her phone buzzed.

Crystal Methyd: come smokeeeeeee.

And then, like clockwork, Gigi counted to ten and joined Crystal on the balcony.

“Hi!” Crystal grinned the minute Gigi stepped outside.

“Hello,” Gigi said in a singsong voice, and fuck she was smiling too.

“I can’t believe it’s the Fourth of July. Like I don’t care about America at all but... Fourth of July picnics are pretty iconic with my family. There’s always drama, I’m always messy drunk, it’s just the best time,” Crystal took a long drag from the joint, handing it to Gigi as she exhaled.

“I know what you mean. I was FaceTiming Hunter, and he was at a barbecue. There were asshole kids running around with sparklers, and I could see some sixteen-year-olds trying to sneak beer out of the cooler and... I don’t know,” Gigi said, looking out at the canal as she took a hit. And she could feel Crystal softly smiling at her.

Gigi tried to shove down the burning fire in her chest, but it was just as bright as Crystal's eyes, bigger than her smile. And as that familiar buzzing feeling returned to Gigi’s head, making everything seem heavier but lighter at the same time, she found that no part of her wanted the fire to go away. And that terrified her. But now Crystal was standing, leaning against the balcony, looking out at the city.

Maybe she was scared too.

“What are you thinking?” Gigi’s voice was barely above a whisper. Crystal turned to look at her, the lights from Amsterdam behind her casting a soft glow around her body.

“Well, you brought up Hunter and I’m just thinking about... when I came to L.A. To see you. I remember in November, I got all the memories from the trip, and... it felt worlds away. Like some dream I was trying to remember. But being with you is bringing everything back and it’s... it’s a lot,” Crystal admitted, and god she was beautiful. “Like, how did you guys not have Just Dance? That should be illegal,” her face split into a grin, and Gigi burst out laughing.

“It didn’t even matter! You knew all the moves, you fucking loser,” she said between laughs, and now Crystal was laughing too, falling back into her chair.

“That trip was so fun. Lux and Daya loved you guys so much. And I just completely fell in love with Rosy and Symone and everyone else,” Crystal was smiling fondly, and it took Gigi right back to those four days in LA with her, nearly two years ago. Crystal came to LA and there was no turning back for Gigi. Her heart picked Crystal and never let go, no matter how hard she tried.

They sat on the balcony for what felt like hours, talking about the L.A. trip, remembering all of the dumb shit they got up to. “And then Symone was pushing me on the swings, and Daya joined, and they did an underdog and it WAS SO SCARY I WENT SO HIGH!” Crystal exclaimed, and Gigi could see it clearly in her mind, hiding on top of the slide while Lux and Rosy tried to sit on top of the monkey bars, dangerously swaying as they tried to get comfortable. Crystal screaming, flying in the air. “The minute I found out that Hunter and Marko had a playground in their backyard, I never wanted to leave. I didn’t want to leave L.A. I didn’t want to leave you,” Crystal was smiling, but her eyes were sad, and Gigi’s chest ached.

“I know,” she murmured, giving Crystal a sad smile. There was so much to be said, but they both stayed silent, just looking out across the city, passing their second joint of the night back and forth. And then Gigi saw it.

The sun was finally starting to peek over the horizon, swirls of orange and pink started to brighten the hazy clouds. The gulls were back in full force, flying through the sky and cawing as if it was their job to wake the whole city up. The sunlight was soft and golden, slowly casting a glow over the balcony.

“What’s up with us and sunrises?” Crystal let out a soft laugh, and Gigi just turned to look at her.

“We could say that about a lot of things, Miss Crystal Elizabeth,” Gigi pointed out, and Crystal playfully rolled her eyes.

“Shut up,” she muttered. Gigi just laughed, and they sat on their Amsterdam balcony, watching the sunrise over the city. “It’s almost as pretty as Venice beach. Almost.”

Los Angeles

It was about 5 a.m. when the party finally started to die down. Rosy and Lux had fallen asleep on an armchair together, a half-eaten piece of pizza in Lux’s hand. Symone and Daya were sitting together in the kitchen, trying to throw Chex mix into an abandoned solo cup. Hunter and Marko sat together, passing Hunter’s vape back and forth, just chatting with each other about nothing in particular. And then there was Crystal and Gigi, sitting together on the couch, leaning on each other. Gigi looked at the group of their friends. It was clear that the Get Dusted girls showed no intention of leaving anytime soon.

“You know... I bet no one would even notice if we left,” Crystal whispered to Gigi. Gigi’s heart dropped as if those weren’t the exact words she had prayed Crystal would say all night.

“Let’s go,” Gigi grinned. And so they walked out of the house, trying to draw as little attention to themselves as possible. Hunter gave Gigi a pointed look, but she ignored it. Luckily, Gigi’s house was right across from the House of Avalon. She had sobered up quite a lot by now, but Crystal hadn’t. She clutched onto Gigi’s arm and looked up at the sky as they walked down the street. It was a clear night, with no clouds in the sky. The street was dark, peaceful. Crystal stumbled slightly, falling into Gigi. “Hey, be careful,” Gigi giggled. Crystal kept smiling up at the sky, and Gigi swore she could hear her heart pounding so loud, the sound amplified by the empty street.

“But look, the stars are out,” Crystal said, pointing up at the sky.

“Yeah. They are.” They made it to Gigi’s driveway, but it was clear that Crystal had no intention of heading inside just yet.

“Geege...?” Crystal asked, a bright smile on her face.

“Do you want to go drive around?” Gigi asked, reading Crystal’s mind. Crystal was already running to get in Gigi’s car. Gigi took a moment to let the butterflies in her stomach calm down before joining Crystal.

“Can we go to Venice Beach? Like in Starstruck?” Crystal asked, words slurring.

“We can go wherever you’d like Crystal Elizabeth,” Gigi said, starting the car. “But you should know, I’m a terrible fucking driver.” Crystal laughed.

“This is gonna be fun.” They started the drive, and Crystal hooked her phone up to AUX. Immediately, “Midnight Memories” by the world famous band One Direction started blasting through the car speakers. Crystal cheered. Gigi reminded herself that she should be watching the road, not Crystal, but that didn’t stop her from stealing glances.

Crystal had rolled her window down, letting the wind blow through her curls as she leaned out. Crystal screamed along with the lyrics, her voice cracking terribly. Gigi watched as Crystal held her hand out the window, tracing the sky, the stars shining in her eyes. Could life get any better than this? Gigi driving a drunk Crystal to Venice Beach at four in the morning, watching as she made the world hers.

Maybe Gigi wasn’t as sober as she thought, or maybe Crystal just had that effect on Gigi. Crystal made Gigi feel... she just couldn’t put it into words. She made Gigi feel comfortable, safe, but at the same time, wild and brave like nothing was impossible. Because truly, Gigi thought nothing was impossible with Crystal at her side. She admired Crystal so much that she nearly went off the road.

“Gigi!” Crystal squealed. They both screamed as Gigi panicked, correcting the car.

“I’m sorry!” Gigi said.

“Gigi!” Crystal yelled.

“I’m sorry!” Gigi giggled.

“Gigi!” Crystal laughed, grabbing onto Gigi’s arm. They laughed together, so hard that Gigi’s ribs ached. Crystal’s hand found its way from Gigi’s arm to her hand, lacing their fingers together. Gigi tried to ignore how well they fit. “I missed you so much,” Crystal blurted. “I didn’t know what to do with myself for the first week. A thought would pop into my head and I would go to tell you, I’d stand up to knock on your door and I’d remember... like, oh she’s not here. It was just... I don’t know it just sucked,” Crystal whispered. Gigi’s heart was pounding. She didn’t even want to think about how it would feel to say goodbye to Crystal again. It couldn’t be worse than last time, right?

“Believe me, I know,” Gigi said, squeezing Crystal’s hand. Soon enough, the ocean came into view. There were a few people walking on the street, a few people using the bike path, but other than that they were alone. Crystal looked out the window, admiring the view. The sound of crashing waves echoed through the empty streets, harmonizing with the sound of the car stopping.

“Can we go on the beach?” Crystal asked. “Missouri is landlocked so I never go to beaches.”

“Of course, I should have a blanket in the back,” Gigi said. She grabbed the blanket and draped it over her and Crystal’s shoulders, each holding one side. They stumbled through the sand together, struggling to keep their footing and holding onto each other for support. They finally made it about 20 feet from the shoreline when they decided to lay out the blanket and sit. The waves rolled in, then out, then in again. Gigi breathed in the ocean air, letting it clear her lungs. They made it just in time, the sun had just started to rise. Crystal rested their head on Gigi’s shoulder as the morning sun reflected in her eyes.

“Thank you for bringing me here,” Crystal whispered drowsily. Gigi rested her head on top of Crystal’s, it was nice. Crystal fell asleep five minutes later, laying back on the blanket, Gigi laid back with her. She watched as the sky turned purple, to pink, to gold. The Avalon and Dusted Girls probably knew they were gone by now, they would have a lot to say when they got back, Gigi was sure of it.

But she just laid there, playing with Crystal’s hair as she slept, watching the sky turn blue. Hunter could wait. The Get Dusted Girls could wait. The universe could wait. Gigi had a moment alone with Crystal, and she was going to cherish every second. So there they sat at Venice Beach, just letting the world spin around them. Crystal blinked awake a few minutes later, blinded by the sun.

“Gigi?” Crystal said, rolling over to face her..

“You dozed off for a second there, you missed the sunrise,” Gigi whispered, tucking Crystal’s messy curls behind her ear.

“Oh. W...was it pretty?” Crystal asked.

“Yes. Very pretty,” Gigi giggled. Crystal scooted closer to Gigi, burying her head in the crook of Gigi’s neck as if she knew that was Gigi’s weakness.

“I’m just gonna...sleep for another five... then we can...” Crystal dozed off again. Gigi wrapped a hesitant arm around Crystal. The universe could wait.

[captain-kingliamsqueen]

Diary of  A Star Crossed Lover

just a short series...well not really a series...but still a series!, that ive been working on! there are a few series i’’ve had to put on hold as im just not feeling them right now, and i only want to put my best out for you to read! hope you enjoy this series as much as i have enjoyed writing it!

Pairing: Liam x Riley, Liam x MC

Summary: Liam dives into riley most inner thoughts and dreams...

Word Count: 1,822

Masterlist

ASK IF YOU WANT TAGGED! SORRY IF I MISSED ANYONE!

I always notice every single spelling mistake or issue after I’ve posted…so apologies in advance!

Tags aren’t working so I will be tagging in the comments. Ive tried to tag everyone, please don’t hesitate to msg and let me know if i forgot to tag you! 

It had been a long day for the Queen in waiting, she had nothing but classes, meetings, anything and everything that could possibly prepare her for being Queen of Cordonia. 

Riley was just getting out of the shower when she heard a knock on her bedroom door. Riley wrapped her dressing gown around her then made her way to the door. When she opened the door she was met with Liam's face.

“Liam! Hi” she grinned

“Hi” he blushed realising she was stood in only her dressing gown. “I can go if I’m disturbing you”

“oh be quiet, come in” she smiled as she stepped aside to let him past, shutting the door behind him “Just give me a few minutes” she smiled as she made her way into her bathroom, shutting the door over after her.

Liam looked around at her things scattered across the room, chuckling to himself, this was Riley's room, he most definitely wasn’t surprised at the mess of things.

It was just about a week since Liam had proposed to Riley in new York, since then they had been inseparable.

As Liam went to sit down, he felt something underneath him causing him to move over, he looked over to see a green notebook. He lifted it up and opened the front cover, seeing Riley's name he realised it was some kind of diary…he quickly closed it over again not wanting to intrude on her privacy. It was just then that Riley walked out of the bathroom in some lounge pants and a vest top. She seen Liam just as he was putting the diary back down. Liam knew she had seen him so he mentioned it before she could bring it up.

“I’m sorry…I promise I didn’t read anything, as soon as I seen it was a diary I put it down.”

“it’s alright, I mean, you can read it if you want” she stated as she pulled her hairbrush through her short blonde hair “that’s the diary I kept during the social season and through your engagement to madeleine” she added as she made her way over to him. “so I can guarantee there’s some juicy pages about you” she winked with a grin as she leaned down, placing a kiss on his lips. “you’re going to be my husband; I don’t have anything to hide from you”

“Juicy pages about me you say?” he smirked as he cupped her cheeks in his hands.

“just a few” she giggled before giving him a kiss.“are you staying here tonight?” she asked hopeful that she wasn’t going to have to sleep alone again, she made her way over to her dresser where she started applying her moisturiser.

“I shouldn’t…I can get into a lot of trouble” he whispered as he stood from the sofa and made his way over to her, placing his hands on her waist and pressing his lips to her shoulder.

“that wasn’t a no” she laughed “I understand why, I just…we’re getting married, Liam, we’ve already slept together, we’re going to spend the rest of our lives sleeping together”

“I know…im dying for you to move into my quarters with me…”

“then whats stopping us?”

“the court”

“the court can kiss my ass! You’re the King of Cordonia, you can literally take a man’s life and not get into trouble…but moving in with your fiancé…your soon to be wife is so bad!”

“I know, it’s ridiculous!”

“then do something about it” she smirked as she turned into his hold. “so I’ll ask again…are you staying with me tonight…all night?”

Liam grinned as he looked down at Riley, “yeah…ill stay with you…all night…I promise”

“good, because it’s pretty cold tonight so I’m going to need my human radiator”

“then I am at your service!” he smirked as he crouched and wrapped his arms around her legs and lifted her over his shoulder

“Liam!!” Riley laughed as he made his way over to the bedroom, he dropped her onto the bed with a chuckle .

“I take it, it’s bedtime then?” she smirked

“yes, but we won’t be doing much sleeping” Liam informed with a smirk as he threw himself down beside her. The two spent the remainder of the night entangled in each other.

It was early hours of the morning Liam had awoken and couldn’t get back to sleep. He sighed as he turned onto his side, Riley's diary caught the corner of his eye. He stretched as he sat himself up then lifted the leather book. He put his reading glasses on then opened it.

 June 12th

Dear Diary…

Some days are easy some days are tough. Today was one of those tough days…For years I have suffered from anxiety…questioning every little thing I say or do, or things that other people say and do to me. I awoke this morning and I felt so mentally drained, I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to do anything. I couldn’t do anything.

What I find strange…what annoys me the most, is I know I shouldn’t dwell on things that have happened, I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past, I cant change anything so why let it get me down…but that feeling of anxiousness, dread and fear just takes over not just your head but your whole body, you feel so tired and drained, you feel awful, but there’s nothing you can do to change it, just end up falling into a deeper hole, the more you think about it. I just want to have one full day where I don’t feel like shit, 24 hours where I can just be happy and not overthink EVERYTHING! …Maybe one day.

Love you Muchly, Riley

Liam's heart sank as he read about Riley's struggles. Liam looked over at his wife, he gently tucked a fallen piece of hair behind her ear as she slept. “I love you” he whispered. He flipped the page over then grinned when he seen the date

June 13th

Dear Diary

I met the most AMAZING man! Liam…His name was Liam. The second I seen him, I felt like my heart stopped…how can you feel that way about a total stranger…then he spoke and I nearly fell right into his arms, I could barely talk! It honestly felt like I was talking to someone I had known for years. After my shift, Liam asked if I could show them wheres good to go in town, instead I took them to the cove on the beach, it was amazing, Drake was building fires, Maxwell was running rampant, and Liam and I got the spend some more time together. conversation with him was so easy, when he told me he wanted to see the statue of liberty before he left for Cordonia, oh did I forget to mention…hes a king…A KING!, I couldn’t pass up the chance to fulfil a dream! Especially one of Liam's! we kissed…Liam and I Kissed…sparks everywhere, it was like electricity flowed through us it was crazy…my heart was pounding in my chest, I’m surprised he didn’t hear it! it was the most amazing Kiss ive ever had!...but now…he’s gone…gone to get married…and whoever it is that gets the privilege of being his wife…well she’s the luckiest woman in the world and she better cherish him because he’s a damn good egg!

Love you Muchly, Riley x

Liam's cheeks had flustered, reading Riley's first thoughts about him.

“Liam?” Riley questioned as she turned over realising he wasn’t sleeping.

“I’m here sweetheart, go back to sleep”

“what are you doing up?”

“I woke and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I’m doing a little light reading” he grinned, Riley shuffled closer to her, pulling the duvet over her a little more.

“did you start from the beginning?” she asked as she sat up and lifted his arm, ducking her head under it to cuddle into him.

“of course” he replied as he held her a little tighter

“it was like electricity flowed through us, it was crazy…my heart was pounding in my chest, I’m surprised he didn’t hear it! It was the most amazing kiss I’ve ever had”

Riley blushed as she buried her face into his chest.

“I didn’t need to hear it…I felt it” he grinned as he lifted her hand in his and placed it over his heart.

“and I want you to know, that if you ever feel anxious, or like your having a bad day, I want you to tell me…I want you to confide in me, because I will ALWAYS be here for you no matter what, if I have to drop a meeting at last minute…I will, if I have to cancel an outing to help you…I will, being queen is going to be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, it may not seem like it from all the pleasantries, but I can tell you right now, it’s the most stressful job to have bestowed upon you, you will need someone to confide in, and I am more than happy to be that someone, whether it be country related or just in our personal lives, I will be here for you no matter what. I love you Riley, I have from the minute I met you” he whispered

“I love you so much” she replied in the same tone.

Liam closed the diary over and placed it back on the side table, then he scooted back down to lay down properly as Riley done the same. The two cuddled together as they fell back to sleep.

 The next morning Riley groaned as she turned over pulling the duvet around her to keep her warm, as she went to cuddled into Liam, she was met with an empty bed, she frowned as her eyes flickered open and seen Liam was gone. Riley sighed as she climbed from the bed, pulling her robe on along with her slippers, then she made her way towards the bathroom, picking up everything she needed for her morning shower on the way. Riley walked in, shutting the door behind her, she removed her slippers then her robe as she turned around, she squealed seeing a very naked Liam in the shower smirking.

“JESUS! FOR GODSAKES LIAM I COULD HAVE KILLED YOU! YOU’RE LUCKY I DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING IN MY HANDS TO HIT YOU WITH!”

Liam laughed as he poked his head out. “it was too funny! Your face has literally made my day! will you come join me?” he reached his hand out to her.

Riley agreed as she took his hand and stepped into the shower.

“you’re an asshole! I thought you left me in the middle of the night”

“I told you I wouldn’t leave, I promised!” he laughed as Riley stood under the falling water.

“I know, and I believed you, but then I woke up to an empty bed and I thought you left.” She frowned as she wrapped her arms around his chest.

“hey…” Liam whispered “have I ever broke my promises to you?”

“no”

“then you have no reason to doubt me” he smiled as he leaned down to place a kiss on her head.

[cordonian-literature]

The Aftermath - Ch. 5

Test Day

Summary: Bastien tells Liam about Gabriel

A/N: did my best to do as much research as possible. also im not sure if the tags are working or not? 

Word Count: ~3.0k

Warning: Mention of character death

*All characters belong to Pixelberry, except those that are unique to my story (I’ve also used some characters and fictional instances from Donna Tartt’s “The Goldfinch”)*

Catch up here!

Tags: @captain-kingliamsqueen @marshmallowsaremyfavorite @gkittylove99 @lovablegranny @loudbluebirdlover @mom2000aggie @kingliam2019 @queenrileyrose @shanzay44 @cordonianroyalty @hopefulmoonobject @hopelessromanticmonie @cinnamonspongecake @queenjilian @kuladekiwi @twinkle-320 @iaminlovewithtrr @charlotteg234

I hope I got everyone tagged! If I missed someone, or if anyone wants to be added/removed, let me know! 

- Liam -

On Friday evening, no one was given a chance to see Riley. Different specialists checked her routinely, discussing their findings with one another. Liam asked politely at different times in the day if he would be allowed to speak to her for a few moments. They didn’t let him go in, claiming that the doctors needed their time to properly assess Riley’s condition.

A little before sunset, a sleep deprived, starving, agitated Liam marched up to Riley’s doctor and demanded they be given information about her health. 

The doctor leads him away from Riley’s door. Drake, Maxwell, and Bertrand follow. 

“I don’t know how much Riley Brooks’ mother has told you about her daughter’s condition,” the doctor states. “But rest assured that we are doing everything we can to help her recover.” 

“Really?” Drake spit. “All you’ve done is push different doctors into her room all day. From where we’re standing, none of them did anything—.”

“Please,” the doctor interrupts, holding up a hand. “Riley’s condition is very serious. She’s suffered a head injury. The procedure on Sunday morning was to repair a part of her skull and to stop internal bleeding. Since she’s woken up on Wednesday, we believe that she has something called post-traumatic amnesia.” 

“Which is?” Bertrand pesters.

“Short-term memory loss from the moment of her injury and for sometime afterwards. It can last from hours, to days, to weeks,” the doctor explains. 

“Short-term?” Liam forces out the words. “I’ve known that woman for the past eleven years. When I walked in she didn’t recognize me. I don’t believe that is what you call short-term.”

“Well... because you all came in and asked questions, whose answers you say that she should know, we believe that she may also be suffering from retrograde amnesia. She won’t be able to recall a significant number of events and persons from her past, even though all such events occurred before the incident and the development of the amnesia.”

“How long will that last?” Maxwell asks. 

“That part, we are unsure about,” the doctor states. “But, we’ve done some assessments and the post-traumatic amnesia seems to be wearing off. We think that the worst of it ended yesterday.” She pauses and looks at the men around her, analyzing their expressions. “We asked her about you folks—,” she gestures at the four men around her, “—her kids, her mother, and the detectives who came in to ask her questions yesterday, she said she didn’t remember a thing. We believe that’s the end to the PTA,  but we’re going to run a couple more tests to make sure.” 

Liam’s heart drops to the pit of his stomach. When he moves back towards the chairs in front of Riley’s hospital room, he goes involuntarily: his shoulders slump and his head hangs low as he throws himself onto a seat. He buries his face in his hands, desperate for this feeling — this keen, despicable sense of despair, one he thought he had forgotten long ago — to end, once and for all.

“So we are nothing to her once more?” Bertrand breathes, the corners of his mouth pulled downwards.

The doctor sighs. “Unfortunately, yes, but again, we believe that’s the last of her short-term memory issues. On the case of retrograde amnesia, patients who have suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury don’t suffer from long-term memory loss for a great amount of time. If I were you, I would still have hope.” She pats Bertrand’s arm. 

A nurse sitting at the reception desk calls to the doctor: “Doc? You’re needed in the ICU.”

“I’ll be back,” she says, and then turns to leave.

Drake, Maxwell, and Bertrand join Liam and take a seat. Each of them has to force themselves to not look through Riley’s room window. If they looked, the pain would multiply. The bandages on her head and the empty, lost look on her face reminded them how she had slipped from their grasp again, even though she was right in front of them. 

After a few moments of watching doctors and nurses walking in and out of Riley’s room, Drake suggests to Liam, “Why don’t we go to the hotel tonight? Get some food in you. Rest for a bit. We’ll be back in the morning, soon as visiting hours start up again.”

“Your Majesty, I think that would be for the best,” Bertrand adds. “It isn’t healthy for you to be going on without sleep and food for so long.” 

“C’mon, Liam,” Maxwell joins in. “Bertrand and I will go with you guys.”

Liam rubs his hand over his face. The rest of them notice his red eyes, unshaven face, and how pink the edges of his mouth are. Silently nodding, he stands, and his friends follow him out of the hospital.

...

As soon as he got inside his hotel room, Liam collapsed on the bed, physically and emotionally exhausted. He didn’t dream; instead he dove into a blank abyss from which he returned from in what felt like no more than eight minutes.

When he woke up, it was already nine thirty. His mind urged him to get up and go back to Riley’s hospital bed, but his feet felt sore and his eyes burned when he opened them. He managed to kick off his shoes and shrug off his clothes on his way to the bathroom. He almost fell asleep in the shower, but the warm beating of water on his face gave him the energy he needed to get back to Riley. 

While he puts on some new clothes, there’s a heavy knock on the door. When he goes to open it, Drake holds up two large paper bags and two cups of coffee in a drink carrier. “New York bagels,” he says, handing Liam a bag. 

“Thank you, Drake.” Liam sits on the edge of his bed and dives into the large bagel, his stomach desperate for some food after having starved himself the past three days. Drake puts his friend’s coffee on the bedside table and opens up his own bag.

“I’d say I didn’t know you were that hungry,” Drake chuckles, shaking his head, “but looking at you now, I can tell you haven’t eaten in days.”

Liam’s already done with more than half his bagel. “Truly, I didn’t realize, either.” He takes a long sip of his coffee. “I’ve been so focused on Riley, making sure she’s been getting proper attention... and what I would say to her, given the chance.” Liam stares down at the floor with his meal in his hands while Drake continues eating.

Noticing Liam from the corner of his eye, Drake tells Liam, “Riley wouldn’t want you doing this to yourself.” 

Liam scoffs. 

“I’m serious. Just because something happened to her doesn’t mean she’d want you to hurt yourself, too.” 

They sit in quiet for a few more moments while they finish their meal.

Drake sends a text over to Maxwell, letting the Beaumonts know that him and Liam were on their way back to the hospital, when someone else knocks on the door. “Your Majesty?”

“Come in, Bastien,” Liam allows while he puts his shoes back on. 

Bastien walks in and regards Drake and Liam for a moment. “Your Majesty.” Bastien clears his throat. “Riley’s mother, Charlotte, will be at the hospital today with her grandchildren.” 

Liam stiffens for a moment. Her grandchildren. Riley’s children with Theodore Blaise. He must have been a worthy man to have deserved her.

“Great.” Drake sighs. “I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but she doesn’t seem to be a big fan of our’s.”

“Will she be visiting Riley?” Liam questions. 

“That is... part of the reason they are going,” Bastien continues.

“Ah, she also works there, doesn’t she?”

“Yes, Your Majesty, but she doesn’t work today.”

“Then... what is she going for?” Liam notices the look of reserve on Bastien’s face. “Is everything alright? Did something happen to the children?”

“Not exactly,” Bastien begins. “To be frank, the boy, Gabriel, will be of our concern today.”

“What does that mean?” Drake walks closer to Bastien.

Bastien sighs. “On Thursday evening, the Duke of Ramsford alerted me that he believes Gabriel Blaise is actually your son.”

Liam stands. “What?” he spits. 

“He is ten years of age and his birthday was recently. It aligns with the time that you and Lady Riley were having an... intimate relationship.”

Liam blinks. “She... she....” He looks around the room in a daze, his mind blurred with memories of Riley during the Engagement Tour. Could she really have been pregnant? How did I not notice? Why didn’t she tell me? 

She wouldn’t have done that. She knows how much I’ve wanted a family. He breathes in heavy air, his eyes burning. She wouldn’t have done that to me, she wouldn’t have taken that from me.

Did I break her so badly that she wanted to keep my own son away from me?

“Your Majesty?”

Taking a moment to calm himself, Liam states, “Bastien, that is absurd.”

But is it? If she got pregnant around the end of the social season, or even some time during the Engagement Tour, she would have had the child around this time of year.... 

“Your Majesty, the only way to be certain is to take a paternity test. Charlotte Brooks agreed to bring the child to have it done today.”

“The hospital does paternity tests?” Drake asks. 

“I contacted them, and they said they only did genetic testing, but they recommended me to a lab center in Brooklyn.” Bastien holds out a piece of paper with the lab’s name on it. “I’ve alerted Mrs. Brooks, and have sent a car for her and the children so they would arrive safely.”

Brooklyn. Where we saw Riley for the first time all those years ago.

Liam nods, his head and heart still shaking with the thought that him and Riley had a son. Cordonia had an heir. For the past eleven years he believed that he would never become a father, but all this time, he already was one....

While they walk downstairs, Bastien explains that Charlotte Brooks gave permission on Riley’s behalf to have the paternity test done due to her condition, and went to get a DNA sample of her daughter this morning to increases the validity of the test and to make sure Gabriel will be tested accurately. 

Liam sits quietly, simply nodding at everything Bastien said. No matter how much he wanted to believe that there was a chance Riley’s son was his, he didn’t want to think about all the complications that would come about from the test being positive.

And how she never told him. He believed he deserved a life without Riley after all he had done to her, but had the bombing never happened, had Riley never gotten hurt — had her damned husband never died — would she have ever come back to tell him that he was a father? Would she have let him continue to live a life in ignorance?

The boy is ten years old. He experienced ten years of life without me. I experienced ten years of life without him. Did she think I couldn’t handle fatherhood? Did she think I wouldn’t take on the responsibility? What did I do so wrong? Why did she marry Theodore? I ended my engagement because of her, and she married another man to act as the father of my child?

Liam’s frustration and despair were increasing exponentially, and they were nearing the lab. he decided that whether the test came out positive or negative, he wouldn’t allow Gabriel to see his frustration. There must have been a reason Riley did such a thing. He would continue to hope that she would get a chance to explain. In the meantime, that child was was still Riley’s; the mere fact that there was another being on this planet who held even the slightest amount of Riley’s personality or looks made Liam’s heart swell. His son or not, he would protect both of Riley’s children in every way he didn’t protect Riley.

- Gabriel -

Grandma scheduled Ella to have a private ballet lesson on Saturday morning. I thought she was gonna let me take a private soccer lesson, but instead she brings me to Brooklyn in a car that wasn’t her’s or Dad’s. When we get to a small building, Liam and Drake were inside waiting with another man I didn’t recognize. I wondered why they were here, since Mom was back in the hospital. Liam smiled at me and I smiled back, deciding that I would just ask Grandma about it later. 

Drake stayed behind while the rest of us were led into a room that looked like the inside of a doctor’s office: there was an examination table that Grandma told me to sit on, and another longer table were there was a jar of pens.

Two men came in: one wore a professional suit with a bunch of papers that Grandma and Liam started signing on the flat table, while the second one had a lab coat on who took out a very long Q-Tip and walked towards me. I give Grandma a questioning look, but she pats my arm and tells the man, “Go ahead.” 

He dragged the stick against the inside of my cheek. Then he put the Q-Tip in a little tube and then takes out another Q-Tip and repeats the whole process with Liam. I wonder if he’s about to do the same thing with Grandma, but instead she pulls out a tube from her purse and the man takes his three tubes and leaves.

The second man with all the papers is still here, looking over his bushy eyebrows at everything Liam and Grandma just signed. Liam and his friend look over expectantly at Grandma, who pulls out a piece of paper. 

“The birth certificate?” says Liam’s friend. 

Wait, is that mine? Or his? Or Grandma’s?

“Yes.” She hands him the paper and he begins to look over it. 

Both men furrow their brows. Liam’s head jumps back in confusion. 

"Full name,” begins Liam’s friend. “Gabriel Liam Blaise. Mother, Riley Brooks Blaise.... Why is the spot of father empty?”

“It’s allowed in the U.S.,” says Bushy Eyebrows. “If the mother is married to someone who is not the father, or if the father was not at the birth and did not sign and send in an Acknowledgement of Paternity form, then the name of the father is left blank on the certificate.” 

“Riley was already married to Theodore by the time Gabriel was born,” Grandma explains, “which is why the last name is Blaise. She thought that it wouldn’t be appropriate to have his last name be Rys since she planned to pass Gabe off to the public as Theodore’s. But she still put your first name as his middle name. It was her way of connecting you both, since neither of you knew of the other’s existence.”

Grandma takes a moment and scans the men’s shaken faces — even Bushy Eyebrows glances between everyone with wide eyes. Liam looks like he’s mixed between anger and sadness. His friend continues to examine the paper.

“As far as I know,” Grandma states, “Gabriel is your son.”

At this point, I have absolutely no idea what was going on. Grandma never explained anything to me before we got here, and now I was too scared to speak up and ask questions. 

A part of me thought that she was giving me away since Dad had died. But she had told Liam that I was her son? Did that mean he was my father? But I didn’t even know who he was? And what about Ella? Was Grandma going to give me away and then keep my sister? Would I never see her again? Could Grandma not take care of us by herself since Mom was in the hospital? 

“Do you know why Riley never told me?” Liam asks Grandma, his voice breaking.

“Oh, she tried to,” Grandma reveals. “But only once, I believe. Riley didn’t tell me anything about it, but as far as I know, it didn’t go down well.”

Liam looks down at the floor, then pushes his shoulders back and looks at Grandma. “If the test comes back positive, then I will have to present him as my heir to the people of Cordonia.”

Grandma frowns, and she looks offended. I half expect her and Liam to start arguing, but Liam’s friend says, “Perhaps it will be best to discuss the specifics when the results come back. They told me it usually takes three to five business days, but I have made sure that this will be their top priority, and we could possibly get the results back before Monday or Tuesday.” 

Bushy Eyebrows stands, shaking everyone’s hands but mine, and then leaves. We all walk out of the building together. Liam and Grandma nod at one another, and Liam gives me a pat on the back before getting in the car with Drake and his other friend.

Grandma and I get into our car and drive away, on our way to pick up Ella from her class. 

“Grandma?” I begin. I wanted to know what happened in there. I wanted to know if my family was really getting rid of me. “What was all that for?” 

She sighs. “Nothing for you to worry about right now, baby. I promise in a couple of days I’ll explain everything to you and Ella, but right now there’s nothing to worry about.”

“But Grandma, I... I... why did you tell the man that I was his son? Did you say that because Dad died? I thought I was Dad’s son. Grandma please, I’m so confused.” A couple tears fall from my eyes as my chest tightens. If those guys take me away while Mom is in the hospital, will I ever see her again? Will I ever see Ella or Grandma again? I didn’t want to go anywhere with those men. I didn’t even know them until Wednesday, and I still don’t technically know them.

“Gabriel—!” The sting of her tone shuts me up, and I lean back into my seat, doing my best not to cry. 

When Ella gets in the car, she asks me what’s wrong. I shake my head and continue silently crying to myself the rest of the ride home, wishing that Mom and Dad were with us again. 

[amphtaminedreams]

If We Can’t Have the Parties, At Least We Have the Coats: Lookbook no.13

Hi to anyone reading,

It’s been a weird winter, right?

A winter that I REALLY did not need to buy as many clothes for as I have. You WILL save loads of money during this lockdown, I told myself. You WILL. And yet here I am in December, in exactly the same financial position I was in March. You would think that making the switch to an environmentally friendly wardrobe would mean I own less but now I no longer have the guilt of supporting fast fashion to hold me back, I’ve accumulated more clothes than ever. Part of a sustainable wardrobe is also about reducing your consumption so now I’ve mostly made the move towards only supporting transparent companies/small businesses, I can move onto the buying less part. I haven’t thrown any clothes away but still, I am not the clothes rescuer I think I am-more just an overdraft abuser. To add to that, for those of us actually following the rules (half the people I went to secondary school with flaunting their apparently unaffected social lives on Instagram, I’m looking at you) there aren’t actually all that many opportunities to wear new outfits. Not to go too first world problems, but it is a little shit when getting dressed up and doing your makeup is one of the things that you do to help you feel a little better, especially when the seasonal (and situational in these times) depression kicks in.

So yes, I have been extra af recently and combatted this with the decision to start making an effort to outfit plan for the most basic of tasks. We’re talking a full face of makeup and accessories for going into town to get a coffee or to meet a friend for a walk. I mean, I still go to Tesco in my trackies but if I’m seeing somebody else, I am sure as hell going to treat it as a reason to wear something nice. See the winter outfits section of the lookbook as your inspiration to do the same because I can guarantee you the sense of normality forcing yourself to take makeup off at the end of the day brings will actually make you feel a lot better. Genuinely the mark of exceptional times. We’ve also got the few days relief period over Christmas in the UK where we’re allowed to mix with a maximum of 3 other households, and ignoring the fact that it doesn’t really make any sense given that the number of people you could end up mixing with depends on the size of the households and is realistically completely arbitrary (I have a lot of feelings about how fucking moronic half the decisions this government has been making are but then again, what’s new?), I’m sure those of you with big families are gonna be partying. I’m only spending Christmas with my immediate family but I thought I’d put some more festive outfits together anyway. I know, I know, it sounds like I’m just bullshitting an explanation as to why I put this lookbook together when in reality I’m trying to make myself feel better about the damage to my bank account buuuut it really is more a case of being inspired by my Depop finds and if you are trying to quit fast fashion, I can’t recommend the app enough (especially if you know what you’re looking for). As I did in the last lookbook, I will make sure to include the tags of all the people I bought these pieces from but I also thought it might be helpful to make a note of some of the descriptors I used to find them so you can get more of an idea how to find the things you’re looking for too, as well as prices. I did include the names of the shops I bought the few fast fashion items I styled from too, mostly earlier this year or at some point over the last couple of years, on the basis that they may be a useful search prompt if you’re looking for something similar or the exact item-the majority are no longer available (disclaimer: I haven’t bought anything from Boohoo in a longgg time) to buy but you might be able to find an account that’s selling a used version. Don’t be put off by that-I’ve had to wash a couple of pieces but for the most part, that hasn’t been necessary. Charity shops usually wash things before they put them out, so you have nothing to worry about there either-I expect that they’re particularly thorough at the moment considering the COVID crisis.

Enough rambling from me for now! Enjoy!

-(SOCIALLY DISTANCED) PARTY SZN LOOKS-

Powder Blue Wide Brim Felt Hat/Fedora: £16.99

Structured White Mesh Oh Polly Mini Dress w/Ruched Detail: £27

Black PVC Beret w/Red Flame Detail: £14

Red Fit and Flare Dress w/Satin Corset & Tulle Skirt: £12

Black PVC Vintage Platform Boots w/Red Flame Detail: £27

White Satin Corset w/Straps: £8

Pinstripe Cropped Blazer Co-ord Set: £12.50

Oh Mighty Strappy Contrast Corset: £27

Contrast Check Cigarette Trousers: £15

Pink Topshop Gingham Blazer Co-ord Set BNWT: £35

White Strappy Corset w/Suspender Detail: £10

White PVC Beret w/Black Flame Detail: £14

Reworked Strappy Patchwork Sports Cropped Tee: £10

Black Combat Cargo Trousers: £5

Strappy Tie-dye Pretty Little Thing Corset BNWT: £15

PVC/Vinyl Zip-up Mini Skirt w/Belt Detail: £9

White Satin Cowl Neck Mini Slip Dress: £8

Urban Outfitters ‘90s Style Celestial Print Mesh Babydoll Dress: £15

-(SOMETIMES PRACTICAL) COAT SZN LOOKS-

UNIF Colour Block Oversized Jumper/Sweater: £25

Topshop Dark Wash Denim Kick Flare Jeans w/Frayed Hem Detail: £16

Vintage ‘70s Style Brown Faux Suede Western Blazer/Jacket: £15

Black Velvet High Neck Bodysuit w/Keyhole Detail: £4

Topshop Paisley Print Chiffon Midi Dress: £15

Brandy Melville Cropped Motorcross Slogan Slogan Tee: £13.60

Ragged Priest Gingham Cargo/Combat Trousers w/Utility Style Buckle Detailing: £33

Black Kappa Logo Beanie: £12

White Platform FILA Disruptors in Good Condition: £55

Black Fur Bucket Hat: £8

Celestial Silver Moon Detail Chain Belt: £18

Black Satin Cowl Neck Detail Midi Slip Dress: £15

Floral Print Platform Boots: £10

Blue Denim ASOS High Rise Mom Jeans: £12

Brown Vintage ‘70s Style Afghan Coat w/Fur Trim: £25

Teal Wide Brim Felt Hat/Fedora: £10

Topshop Floral Print A-Line Jacquard Mini Skirt: £7

Lana Del Rey Screen Printed T-Shirt: £9.99

Vintage Corduroy Contrast Stripe Trousers w/Kick Flare: £28

Anyone that read to the end, thank you so much as always and I hope this shows just how many in-trend pieces you can find second hand! I know I'm SUPER far behind to the point where it’s closer to the F/W2021 shows now than it is since the S/S2021 collections were showcased but I decided I am going to do a full length fashion week review. I also have a few moodboards planned and my next is gonna be one focussing purely on plus sized fashion as the feedback that I got from my New Style Icons post was that I could have included more bigger girls; I am so, so, SO passionate about body positivity and fat acceptance, especially since I know my own relationship with my body would be so much better if this kind of movement was more prominent when I was younger, so I don’t for a minute want anyone to think it was my intention to be exclusionary in any way. It bears repeating that I genuinely appreciate feedback in any form (as long as it’s not too mean and presumptive, lol) and I hope the next post doesn’t disappoint! It hasn’t been a good year for cinema due to COVID having lead to theatre closures, however I still do want to do another film tier ranking in the new year as that is something I really enjoyed doing last time. Any more suggestions are welcome!

As always, my inbox is always open if you need someone to talk to or just wanna chat about a post:-) I am constantly on the look out for new blogs to follow and people to interact with so any communication is welcome. I’m not sure if I’ll get another post finished before we enter 2021, SO I wanna say that I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and that this shitshow of a year DOES come to an end at 11:59PM on the 31st because THOSE MEMES ABOUT IT TURNING DECEMBER THE 32ND ARE NOT FUNNY! Here’s to our second attempt at our first year of the roaring twenties (because this past year it feels like we skipped them and went straight to The Great Depression, the likely incoming recession denial is real) and to happier times and good health for everyone.

Lauren x

DISCLAIMER: Background in the first 2 images are mine, others are not. I found them on Pinterest so not sure of the artists but if you do know, drop me a message so I can credit them!

[swiftlymoniquesblog]

A Tribute to Supernatural (LONG post ahead)

Well, today is the day. The day I have struggled with for the past year or so, the inevitable. The day the last episode of Supernatural was going to air on television. I never thought I’d be writing about this, about how much this show has meant to me, but with today being the day another chapter in all our lives comes to a close, I feel like I owe it to the cast and crew and to all of you, to make this post. So here it goes.

I haven’t been in the fandom for too long, about two-and-a-half years now. I’ll never forget my anniversary date: May 20th. That was the day that changed my life forever. I know, sounds pretty cliché but it’s the truth. I remember that day very vividly, too. I had gone on a bus trip with my family, out to stay at a casino about an eight-hour drive with my family. It was rather a fun time and I remember on our way back home; I was searching through Netflix for a new series to start, and Supernatural had popped up. I hesitated trying it again, because I had previously watched the first episode of the first season, and it absolutely freaked me out. I had tried to watch the second episode after that but couldn’t make it halfway through. After much deliberation with my friends on Facebook, who had been fans for quite a long time at that point, had told me to just push through and keep watching because it got better. So, with an eight-hour drive ahead of me, I figured I’d start it again and really give it time. Little did I know, that was the day that I would hold close to my heart forever. And of course, my friends were pleased to have heard I was giving it another chance because they knew I’d love it; they were right.

Fast forward to today, and this show is way more than just a show to me. It’s become a way for me to connect with people, complete strangers in most cases, but it’s become a safe place. Sure, I’ve had my share of negative people or “bullies” if you want to call them that, but none of that would stop me from talking or sharing anything about the show. Then, I got more invested in the cast and who they were outside of the show. I never realized how important they would become to me too, but they really have and they’ve become like a distant family. Granted, I’ve only met a lot of the cast just once, but the connection they give us, whether through the characters of the show, or the small glimpse into their personal lives they give us, just makes you feel like you’re apart of something bigger. And they never let you think that they don’t care. Of course, they don’t really know me, just like I really don’t know them, yet they have a way to make all of us feel like we’re tied together somehow, and it’s beautiful.

Like I’ve previously stated, I have met quite a few members of the cast (see photos above). My first Supernatural convention was one of the greatest experiences I’ve ever had. It had been several years since a convention was set up in Texas but when they announced there was going to be one in the Dallas area, I knew I had to be there. The show had already made that much of a difference to me, under a year. 2019 was the year I graduated from university and I wanted to do something really special to celebrate such a big accomplishment. What did I choose to do? Celebrate with the Supernatural family of course! When I began buying tickets, it was scary yet exciting. I, unfortunately, didn’t get a photo with Jensen because they had sold out already, three months before the event was going to take place (hence the photo with a poster of Jensen). I bought the photo with Jared and was extremely nervous about that photo more than any others. I still really don’t have a solid answer as to why I was so scared to meet him but I usually say because he’s so freaking tall, it’s kind of intimidating, and the fact that I had built such a high pedestal for Sam in my mind, that I was afraid I would disappoint myself seeing Jared, but none of that happened.

Getting to go to a Supernatural convention is extremely difficult. It’s so unbelievably expensive, I still can’t believe I’m trying to go a second time (if COVID would just CHILL) but the experience as a whole, is what does it for me. If you go as I did, I went for the entire weekend because I didn’t want to miss a single minute of all the excitement that was building from Creation Entertainment or the fans who were going to. Actually, it turns out, that a few of the friends I made via social media, were going to be there that weekend too, so we made plans to meet up in person; and we did! The fans are what really makes the convention's special. Because we all have one thing in common and we all can share our experiences and laugh or cry with each other. It’s a community I’ve never been apart of before, but that’s what makes it so special. The fandom has, mostly, been very generous to me. Offering up advice on what to expect when going to the convention and advice on meeting everyone. Most of the advice came about meeting Jared and it turned out everyone was right.

Jared Tristan Padalecki is one GIANT teddy bear! So many people described him that way to me but once you get to see him up close, it’s nothing like you imagine. He is HUGE and it is kind of scary with that floating over your head, but when you walk up to him, he smiles so wide at you and is so happy to see you. For me, I went right in for a hug, wrapping my arms around his waist and his around my back or so. It was brief but I felt so safe just being that close to him for that small amount of time. And then my op, is my friend is supposed to be sad that I’m hugging Jared and not her. We weren’t prepared too much on how we were going to pose, but I remember Jared had reached out for my friend to be closer to him in the photo but she said that she was supposed to be over here for the pose. I remember too, Jared grabbing me and wrapping his arm around me, right under my neck, somewhat close to my boobs (no, he didn’t touch them, even by accident) and I responded by bringing my arms up to hold onto him too, then the photo was taken. I made sure I was smiling and had no idea how Jared looked, but I think he looks absolutely adorable smiling like he was. And when I went to walk away, I looked up at him, looked into those beautiful eyes, and thanked him for the photo and being there that weekend. He smiled at me and rubbed my back just briefly, but I felt heat rise in the place he touched. Other fans too, commented how happy he looked, when I went to pick up my photo on the table that held all the freshly printed photos. I was really happy with how it turned out but I kind of wished we planned it better. This second con, if I get to go, will be a lot better because I’ll have a photo with Jensen and two with Jared, and I’ve already come up with the poses for those three ops.

Ultimately, this show and the community of fans, has really gotten me through a lot. Recently too, life has been pretty difficult for me, but I always just look at my phone to see my wallpaper of me and Jared, and that makes me feel a lot better. I’ve invested so much time and effort into this show, that I can’t imagine a world where it no longer exists. I don’t believe everything we’ve built as a fandom is going away, it’s just going to look a lot different.

I’ve had my own fears for how this day was supposed to come. And it was supposed to originally end much earlier in this year but because it got delayed, the final filming, it brought me a small bit of relief because it meant I got to hold on to Sam and Dean just a little longer. But now that this day is here, I am grateful for all it’s brought me; happiness and a sense of family. I’ve worried too much about how we are all going to carry on without new episodes coming on. Will everyone end up forgetting the show? Will it still be as important to people as it is right now? Will all the merchandise disappear? Will conventions still be going, if they get picked up again? How will people see Jensen and Jared now that they have separate plans? Will they lose fans after the last episode ends? Will we still mean as much to them now as we did at the start of it all? What is the future going to hold for Sam and Dean? So many questions plague my thoughts and have ever since Jensen, Jared and Misha announced season 15 was going to be the last one. But I guess that’s all just a part of the life cycle of a show. And maybe all of these questions will have answers tonight, maybe they won’t. Only time will tell.

All in all, I am so incredibly proud of everyone who was involved in that show. They worked incredibly hard to bring these characters to life every week and they gave us a wonderful fifteen-year run. A lot can happen in fifteen years, and it has, for all of us. No one is the same person they were fifteen years ago; I know I was a child and now I’m all grown up. To try and put into words what this show has meant to me, wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, but my level of gratitude to everyone isn’t as easy. I feel like thank you, just isn’t enough. The cast and crew deserve way more than just a thank you and that’s why I’m writing this. But the biggest debt I owe is to Jensen and Jared and everyone who was at the sets from the very beginning. I know it must’ve been difficult, being away from family members as often as you were, but it doesn’t go unnoticed. Thank you to Eric for creating this show and this community. For sharing an insight into the thoughts that roam around your head and bringing them to life. For gifting us with Sam and Dean Winchester, two of the most beloved characters I think anyone has ever seen. I can just see years from now, people talking about the ‘greatest television shows of all time’ and I imagine that Supernatural will be on that list, if not at the top. I hope someone not only talks about the show itself but about the fans and the dedication we have to a storyline so unique as this one. To all the writers, y’all have made me laugh and cry and cheer for the good guys. There have been breathtaking highs and heartbreaking lows throughout the years but what a ride! Never have I been this invested in a tv show before, but as my Supernatural Day 2019 shirt says “possessed and obsessed.”

Finally, to the Supernatural fans, I love you all so much. There isn’t another group of people I would want to have as friends to cope with this ending. I know it’s been hard on all of us, having to accept the end, but we’ve gotten this far, so let’s bring it home. Let us be the ones to carry on the “family business.” We can carry the lessons that the Winchesters taught us and we can be the ones who won’t ever let them be forgotten. It is a privilege to have walked this journey this far and I hope to walk through to the end, together as a family. I want this to hold a special place in your heart years from now, as it will mine. Never forget what this show, this family, the cast and crew have meant to you. It can be easy to forget something that is no longer right in your face but keep the memories close to your heart, forever.

Let’s kick this ending in the ass and come together to support each other in this difficult time. And, as a few people have mentioned, carry on wayward son (and daughters) there will be peace when you are done.

[imjustmarcy]

I made an emotional post about how much Adventure Time meant to me when it finished, so it's only fitting I do one for Supernatural too.

I know the end is still two sleeps away (3 for me) but I don't feel like I would be able to utter words after the finale either way, so here it is:

I started watching this show because my older brother convinced our parents to get him a set that had all 5 first seasons on it. My brother was 15. I was 7. That's right, 7. Wanna know how old I am now? 18.

I've been a fan of this show for 11 years (or if you want to get technical, bc I missed from half of s6 to s10, 6 years. I argue I never once forgot about the show, the characters, and the days I spent watching it with my brother).

That's a part of why it means so much to me. Since I was a kid, I've had severe social anxiety, although I only got properly diagnosed either around the start of the year or last year. So to me, even if it was my brother, it was always difficult to form a connection or have a conversation with him.

But Supernatural was that connection. It's something I share with my brother, and that brought us closer. Also, ironically enough, even though I'm the youngest, I've always thought of me as Dean and my brother as Sam, since I'm the disastrous one and he's always been the school smart kid.

There was also a difficult time for us when our mom was sick, and we had to stay at my aunt's in another city because there were better hospitals for her there. I remember I was still catching up to Supernatural, season 10. My brother had already watched it, but agreed to re-watch the last bit with me. We even stayed up late together and slept in the living room in order to finish it. It helped to take our minds off everything that was going on.

I'm watching the finale until Friday, because I want to watch it with my brother and he can't watch it until Friday- it'd be kinda like coming full circle, we watched the first episode together one night my parents weren't home. He made popcorn with ketchup, which made me gag. Now we're watching the very last episode together too.

So yeah, all this to say-thank you. To everyone who ever was a part into making this show. Thank you so much for being so special to me and my brother.

Thank you.

[soobiniebaby]

Angels & Devils Part XI : I’m Yours, You’re Mine

A n g e l s   &   D e v i l s || Tomorrow x Together Fanfiction

~ p a r t s : main post || prologue || part 1 || part 2 || part 3 || part 4 || part 5 || part 6 || part 7 || part 8 || part 9 || part 10 || part 11 || part 12 || part 13 || part 14 || part 15 || part 16 || part 17 ~ p a i r i n g : love triangle involving choi soobin and choi yeonjun  ~ g e n r e : high school au | some social media au | some fluff & angst | childhood friends | love triangle  ~ l a n g u a g e : English  ~ w a r n i n g : contains swearing, alcohol, kissing (?) and may contain mature themes (angst, etc.)  ~ a / n : This will be my first fanfic (go easy on me pls) and i’m just writing this as I go along, so bear with me juseyo The setting (place/country) of the story is up to the reader’s interpretation ~ s u m m a r y : What should she choose? Han Baby: the new girl with a troubled past MO Academy: her new high school Choi Soobin: student council president, member of the Ecosave club, volunteer at the Humane Treatment of Animals, member of the Honor Society, a vocalist in the Jazzed club, the school’s all around golden boy Choi Yeonjun: leader of the Dance club, star of the Jazzed club, the school’s it boy with a bad rep 5 best friends, 1 new girl, 1 childhood friendship, 1 epic love triangle? What will this school year bring?

Over the weekend, B and Kai had spent most of their time lounging around the living room, finishing the entire season of It’s Okay to Not Be Okay on Netflix on Saturday and having a movie marathon on Sunday. They ordered all their meals and had all the food they wanted delivered to the apartment, their food cravings ranging from donuts and milk tea to egg tarts and mint chocolate ice cream. It felt like one of the many sleepovers they used to have when they were kids, only now it was just the 2 of them in a place of their own, without nosy siblings or strict parents to bother them or tell them what they could or couldn’t do.

Other than stuffing their faces with food and drowning their emotions in Netflix, they finally had all the time in the world to do all the catching up that they hadn’t been able to, asking questions and telling stories about what they had missed out on each other’s lives through the years.

“First kiss?” B asks.

“Oh, I think I was in the 7th grade, and it was with Im Yeojin. You?”

“Lucas Wong. A couple of years ago.” B responds.

Kai shakes his head. “That guy was your first kiss ever? Lucas? Your ex?”

B nods. “The one and only. Next question please?”

“Alright, worst ex?” Kai asks intentionally.

“Ningning, you know I’ve only had 1 boyfriend.”

“Yes, and he was the worst! He had the audacity to cheat on you! And all because you wouldn’t ‘put out?’ He's lucky I lived 3 hours away or else I would’ve kicked his ass.” Kai says, huffing.

B laughs, trying to swallow down the lump in her throat that formed whenever she talked about her horrible ex boyfriend. There was so much more to their relationship than him cheating on her cause she wouldn’t put out, but she wasn’t ready to let her best friend know all about it just yet. “Thanks, but judging by the size of his biceps, I don’t think that could’ve ever happened anyway.”

Kai pouts. “Are you saying I should start going to the gym?”

B laughs at him dismissively before changing the subject.

Also, sharing a living space with another person was also a bit of an adjustment for B since she had already gotten used to living alone. Her apartment only had one bathroom which she now shared with Kai, and now she had to keep all her personal toiletries set aside and her feminine hygiene products kept away, not wanting a repeat of the horrifying moment when her best friend walked out of the bathroom with his face all red.

“What happened to you?” she had asked, noticing how flushed he looked after being in the bathroom for 20 minutes.

“You know that when I’m, um, taking a shit I like to read the back of labels of whatever I see in the bathroom, right?” Kai starts slowly.

“Okay, weird, but go on.”

He takes a big gulp before continuing. “Well, let’s just say I now know how to properly put on a tampon. And let me just say, I’m glad I wasn’t born a woman.”

After that incident, B made sure to keep all feminine hygiene products hidden away in the bathroom cabinets. She ensured to leave a stack of random books and magazines on the bathroom counters so Kai would have something to read when doing his business. Other than that, B also had to remind herself that it was no longer socially acceptable to walk around her apartment in nothing but a tshirt and underwear on, since she had gotten used to roaming the space without worrying about other people seeing what she looked like. She usually went to bed in just a shirt and underwear and roll out of bed and straight into the kitchen for breakfast without a care in the world. Now, she had to double check and make sure that she was wearing bottoms and a bra before stepping out of her bedroom.

Even though there were many things she hadn’t considered before inviting a guy to stay in her apartment, she had to admit that it was nice to have company around. She hadn’t realized how lonely it was to live alone until Kai had come along, and now she was already sort of dreading the day when he’d get better and move out. She was starting to consider finding a room mate before then, knowing that she’d feel lonely once her company had to leave.

Come Monday morning, B woke up feeling excited. She rolled out of bed, put on a pair of shorts, and made her way to the kitchen, only to be surprised by the sight of breakfast already prepared on the table. A plate full of bacon and sunny side up eggs, a bowl full of fresh fruit and cereal, and a glass of blue lemonade were all neatly laid out on the table, and Kai was sitting there with an apron still tied around his waist. When he saw B step out from her room, he immediately greeted her “Wakey wakey Baba, time to go back to school!”

B rubs the sleep from her eyes, making sure she wasn’t just dreaming that Kai had prepared breakfast for her. Once the smell of freshly cooked bacon filled wafted in the air, she immediately brightens up and walks on over to give her best friend a hug.

“Ningning, you did all this for me? Thank you so much!” she says in awe.

“Yup, I wanted to make it special since it’ll be your first day back at MOA today.” Kai says. “Now hurry up before it gets cold. You have to be ready in 40 minutes.”

B all but gobbles up all the food that Kai had prepared for her before jumping into the shower, drying her hair, putting on some make up and changing into her school uniform, making sure she had everything she needed before letting Kai walk her to the front door.

“Have fun, Baba!” Kai says.

“Sure thing. Make sure to keep the door locked and call me if you need anything.” she says, waving goodbye before making her way downstairs to meet Taehyun.

As soon as Taehyun sees her, his eyes visibly light up.

“B! Finally, I’ve missed you so much.” he says, waving hello before stretching his arms out towards her. “Come here!”

B excitedly runs up, preparing to hug Taehyun, until at the last minute he folds his hands across his chest and takes a step back, which stops her in her tracks.

“On second thought, don’t touch me. You may be medically cleared already, but since Hyuka’s staying with you, you might still be carrying the pox.” he says. It’s only then when she notices that he was wearing a face mask and had a small spray bottle of alcohol hanging from his school ID lace.

She smiles at him sheepishly. “I missed you too, you know.” she says, opting to wrap her arms around her own torso instead.

He laughs at her silly antics before following suit, wrapping his arms around himself. “Let’s just pretend that we’re hugging right now.”

B nods. “Alrighty. Thanks, Tyun.”

“Don’t mention it. Now come on, put on your face mask and make sure you have hand sanitizer before we go.” he says, adjusting the mask on his face.

She puts on a mask and puts a small bottle of hand sanitizer in her pocket before they start making their way to school.

“I’ve missed these walks of ours.” B says happily, breathing in the morning air.

“I’ve missed them too. And I’ve missed you. School was a bit boring without you, and walking to school alone just didn’t feel the same.”

“How have things at MOA been, apart from the health protocols? And how are the guys?” B asks.

“Apart from the implementation of health protocols, school has pretty much been the same. The guys miss you. I think they’re excited to see you.” Taehyun responds.

“I miss them too.” B says, sighing. She and Yeonjun had FaceTimed every night through the weekend, but she missed him, and she felt a bit sad that they had to cancel their supposed last date. She had to admit that she missed the other guys too. “What makes you think they’re excited to see me, though?”

“They told me to ask you if you could meet them by the front gate of MOA before classes start this morning.” Taehyun says.

“Oh? They did? Weird, but okay. I wonder why.” B says, trying to think of why they might want to meet up. “How have you been? Has anything in your life changed in the past week?” she asks.

Taehyun shrugs. “Not really, same old same old. Just the usual studying at school and working at the café.” he says. “What about you? How have you been doing?”

B shrugs too, mimicking his response. “I’ve been good, nothing much going on.” she says casually, which was a lie. She wanted to tell him about Yeonjun and about how he asked her out and all the dates he put together, but a part of her was scared about how he’d react, so she thought it would be better to tell him when the time was right.

As she and Taehyun approach the campus, her eyes catch sight of 3 familiar figures standing right outside of the gates, particularly to the head of blue hair.

B feels her heart jump out of her chest, speeding up her walking, and Taehyun runs to catch up to her as she starts waving her arms in the air the closer they got until the 3 boys look up in her direction and they all wave back.

“Seriously, you 3, why aren’t you wearing face masks?” Taehyun says as they meet the 3 boys outside the gate.

“Well good morning to you too, Tyun.” Beomgyu says playfully. “Relax, we’re not within campus grounds so we don’t have to wear masks yet.”

B laughs at their banter. “I think Tyun’s just worried that you’ll catch Kai’s chicken pox germs if you stand too close to me without a mask on.” she jokes. “So, why are we meeting up here outside the gates instead of at the front steps like we usually do?”

“Hey, B! Good to see you again.” Beomgyu says.

“Well, you see, there are new health protocols set in place on campus right now, and as members of the student council, we can never be caught violating any rules set within the school.” Yeonjun begins, smiling at her brightly, like there was a secret that only the 2 of them shared.

“Alright, and…?” B asks, not sure where they were going with this.

“And before we go in and start off another week of school, there’s just this 1 health protocol we’d like to violate.” Beomgyu continues.

“Okay, which one? Is it the face mask thing? Why are we standing outside the school gates?” B asks, still confused.

“So we can do this.” Soobin says, before taking a step towards B with arms outstretched and pulling her into him, his whole body engulfing her in a hug.

He feels time stop the moment his arms wrap themselves around her body, her face buried in his chest, the top of her head inches away from his chin, the smell of her lavender-scented shampoo tickling his nose, his hands resting on the curves in her waist.

When Soobin woke up feeling excited that day, he told himself it was just because he was excited to start a new week of school, but deep down he knew that wasn’t the case.

When the guys suggested that they wait for B outside the school gates so that they could greet her a proper ‘welcome back,’ he felt a flutter in his chest, and he told himself that it was just because he was happy that their group would be complete again (minus Kai), but deep down, he knew he was only fooling himself.

When he and the guys stood outside the school gates waiting for B and Taehyun to arrive, he could feel his heart start to beat even faster in anticipation, and he told himself it was just because he was looking forward to see their friend again after a whole week, but he knew there was more to it than that.

When he saw her waving her arms in the air and walking towards them, he felt his breath catch in his throat, and he told himself it was just because he was surprised to see her looking so radiant and healthy knowing how badly sick she was, but he knew it was because of how he was just now realizing how beautiful she really was.

When he took a step towards her and engulfed her delicate figure in his arms, feeling the warmth of her body against his, a feeling washed over him unlike anything he’s experienced before, as if by having her in his arms everything in the world was finally falling into place and the pounding in his chest and the flutter of butterfly wings in his stomach finally made sense, and it was at that moment he knew with absolute certainty just what it was.

It was her. It was B.

He didn’t know how it came to be, or why exactly it happened, but all he knew was that it was her.

It was him realizing that he was falling in love with her.

And the feeling hit him so suddenly with such clarity that for a moment, it felt like the whole world stood still, as his breath seemed to catch in his throat and time seemed to stop as he held her in his arms, savoring the moment and all the emotions that were hitting him all at once.

She lets out a surprised squeal as Soobin pulls her in, only to be muffled by her face being buried in his chest as they embrace.

“Soobinie!” she says, laughing in surprise. “I missed you too.”

Soobin smiles to himself, tempted to rest his chin on her head, but he was aware of the presence of their friends, so he slowly lets her go, his eyes meeting Taehyun’s as he does, and Taehyun’s expression quickly changes as he realizes what was happening.

Taehyun raises his brows in question, and Soobin gives him a quick and discreet nod in response, to which Taehyun shakes his head.

Soobin keeps his head down to conceal the blush creeping into his face as B steps away and Beomgyu tackles her into a hug.

“We missed you so much! I wish I could’ve gotten an excuse to skip school for a week too, though.” Beomgyu says slyly.

“Hey, I did not skip school! I called you everyday to listen in on lectures, remember?” B says defensively, hitting Beomgyu’s chest. “If you wanna stay at home so bad, maybe you should come over to my place. I’m sure Hyuka would gladly give you a big hug, along with the chicken pox of course.”

Beomgyu steps away and holds his hands up in the air in front of him. “No way, I don’t want chicken pox. I’d rather endure school than have hideous spots all over my body.”

B looks at him offended. “You think I have hideous spots all over my body?” she says through gritted teeth.

“Oh, now you’ve done it, Gyu.” Taehyun says, watching as Beomgyu runs away from B to hide behind him. “Don’t worry B, I’ll help you kidnap him after school. I think Hyuka would like to have an extra playmate.”

“I never said that!” Beomgyu cries, running from Taehyun to Yeonjun now, hiding behind the blue haired boy. “B, you look beautiful as always. If anything, the spots just accentuate your beauty.” he says desperately.

B scoffs. “Oh shut up. You’re lucky I like you, or else I would’ve slapped you so hard that the spots would transfer from my skin to yours.”

Yeonjun laughs, shielding Beomgyu behind him. “Wow, I never pegged you to be violent.” he says.

B shrugs. “I’m not. I’m just saying, I could slap someone if I wanted to.”

Yeonjun shakes his head, pulling her into his arms. “Welcome back, Baby.” he whispers in her ear, giving her a quick peck on the cheek and slowly stroking the small of her back, making sure that the other boys don’t see, before letting her go.

Once she pulls away, her face is noticeably red, and Yeonjun can’t help but laugh. God, she looked adorable. He gives her a quick wink before saying “And now that that’s settled, shall we head to class?”

The 3 boys put on their facemasks and let B lead the way into the school gates, each of them having their body temperatures checked and their hands disinfected before walking through the gates.

As B walks ahead of the boys, the 4 boys pair off.

Beomgyu slings an arm around Yeonjun’s shoulders, keeping his voice low as he says “So now that’s she’s back, will you guys have the talk now?”

“What talk?” Yeonjun asks.

“The talk? The relationship talk. You know, the talk about your feelings and where you guys stand and what your label is and stuff like that.” Beomgyu says knowingly. “If the 2 of you don’t want to put a label on whatever it is you 2 are, then you should at least let the other guys know that you’re dating.”

Yeonjun shrugs. “Don’t worry, Gyu. I’ve got it all planned out, you’ll see. I’ve been planning this for days now, but considering that we’re at school, I’ll have to make do. At the end of the day, we might even let you guys know about us.” he responds, his eyes glued to the girl in front of them, which automatically puts a smile on his face. “I’m gonna make that girl mine.”

Meanwhile, Taehyun attempts to sling his arm around Soobin’s shoulders, but with the other boy being much taller and walking a bit faster, he settled for interlocking his arm around Soobin’s instead.

“Oh, hey Tyun.” Soobin says, surprised by the sudden lock on his arm. “What’s up?”

“’What’s up?’” Taehyun says, mimicking him. “You tell me. All your questions about falling in love and stuff…were they about B? Is it her? Are you in love with—”

Soobin cuts him off. “Shhh, the other guys might hear you!” he says, hurriedly looking around and seeing that no one was within ear shot. “Yes, it’s about her. Let’s talk about this later, okay? Alone.”

Taehyun sighs. “Fine, but wow, I should’ve known. I had a feeling it was her. You 2 would make a great couple.” he says teasingly.

“Oh shut up, you know-it-all.” Soobin says, flustered. “I’m sure you would’ve figured it out sooner or later anyway, you’re too damn smart, you know?”

Taehyun laughs. “It doesn’t take a genius to see that you’ve got it bad, Binnie.” he says. “Let’s talk about it soon, okay? Just hang in there.”

Soobin sighs, his eyes focus on the girl walking in front of them. “Trust me, I’m trying.”

•°•

B had to admit that Yeonjun’s sudden request had her heart fluttering, but more than anything it got her head buzzing with curiosity. Within 5 minutes she had excused herself from class, 3rd period biology which she didn’t share with any of the guys, and she was on her way to the student council room, which she had only been to once before with Soobin and Yeonjun. Technically, she was cutting class, but a few minutes probably wouldn’t hurt.

B takes a deep breath, not knowing what quite to expect, before turning the knob on the double doors to the student council room, taking a step inside.

The room was dark, the blackout curtains doing their job, and was only illuminated by the light spilling in from the door and a set of candles in the middle of the conference table, which also highlighted the fact that the conference table seemed to be overflowing with blue rose petals.

And there was Yeonjun, leaning against the table, a single blue rose in his hand. It’s only then when B looks down and notices that the carpeted floor all the way from the entrance of the room to the spot where Yeonjun was standing by the conference table was littered with blue rose petals.

“Yeonjun? What is this?” B asks, stepping inside and closing the door behind her, the only source of light in the room now coming from the candles. She removes her face mask, noticing that he wasn’t currently wearing one, and pockets it in her blazer.

“Baby. Come here.” he says, patting the spot on the table beside him. B walks over to the table, stepping on countless blue petals as she did so, and once she reaches him, Yeonjun takes her by surprise and carries her, lifting her up and setting her down on the table.

“Yeonjun!” she squeals in surprise, clinging on to him for dear life. As her bottom hits the table, she lets go and whacks his arm. “You surprised me!” she huffs, surprised by his sudden maneuver. “And you’re breaking the health protocols! What’s all this for anyway?”

He stands in front of her, simply staring at her, admiring how she looked in the candlelight. A few blue petals had fallen over the edge when he set her down on the table, but that didn’t bother him. He had skipped the entirety of 3rd period to prepare for this moment, so he wouldn’t let anything distract him now.

“All this?” he simply says. Upon seeing the confused look on her face, he takes a step towards her, situating himself in between her dangling legs, and he rests his hands on either side of her, his palms laid flat on the table just centimeters away from her thighs. The whole mood in the room shifted from playful to something different with just that simple action. “All this is for you.”

B could feel her heart start to pound in her chest again. She tried to keep a level head but Yeonjun was standing so close that she could smell him, the scent of his cologne now very familiar to her, and she could feel parts of his uniform lightly tickling at her inner thighs where he stood, sending shivers down her spine. “For me? Why?”

“Because, Baby, you deserve it. You deserve all of it.” he begins carefully, slowly, his gaze locking her in place. “I told you I want to give you all the good things you deserve, and during the past week I tried. Those dates meant a lot to me and I can only hope that you enjoyed them half as much as I did. My plans were cut short because of your unexpected temporary roommate,” he says, fondly referring to Kai, “and maybe I should’ve waited a little bit longer to do this, but I don’t think I can keep this to myself any longer.”

B looks down then, her cheeks starting to heat up. She sees how close his hands are to her thighs and her mouth goes dry. He was standing so close. “What are you talking about?” she says, her eyes transfixed on his hands.

Her eyes follow as he raises one hand to cup her face, lifting it up slightly to meet his gaze. “I want you, Baby.” he says, looking right into her eyes. “I want you to be mine.”

B takes a deep breath, finding herself unable to look away, before she says “I want you, too.”

And with those words, Yeonjun couldn’t resist any longer. He leaned forward, closing what little distance was left between them, and pulled her face up to his, their lips crashing together.

~ w a r n i n g : makeout scene  ~

Praying that he couldn’t hear her pounding heartbeat, B returns the kiss with equal fervor, wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him even closer. Her fingers entwine themselves in the hair at the nape of his neck, effectively disheveling his blue hair.

Yeonjun’s hands inch away from the table and come in direct contact with her thighs, the sudden warmth of his palms on her bare skin causing B’s mouth to open a little to let out a breath of surprise. She feels him smile against her lips, amused by her reaction, before taking the opportunity to trace her lower lip with his tongue, seeking entrance, which she allows.

His hands start to move slowly up her body then, he slides them up from her thighs to her waist, her skirt hiking up a few inches higher in the process. He breaks the kiss, allowing a moment for them to catch their breaths, before bowing his head down, his lips coming in contact with the sensitive skin on her neck.

“Oh god.” B breathes out, surprised by the contact, and again she feels his lips form a smile against her skin. She tilts her head backwards, his lips trailing kisses along her exposed skin, her heavy breaths starting to make her feel lightheaded.

Just as he’s about to pull away, his lips brush against the dip in her collarbone, causing her to wrap her legs around his waist and her fingers in his hair to dig in deeper, her body reacting to him before her mind could grasp what was happening.

“Fuck.” he breathes against her skin, feeling himself start to lose control.

B’s grip loosens then, her hands dropping from his hair to rest on his shoulders, her breathing heavy as she lets her head fall forward to rest on the top of his head, his face still buried in her neck. “Sorry.” she whispers, trying to control the rise and fall of her chest.

His grip on her waist remains tight, her blouse bunched up in his fists, his head buried in her neck as he tries to calm himself down, his breath coming out through clenched teeth. For a moment, they stay like that, until Yeonjun’s grip gradually starts to loosen, letting go of the fabric of her blouse as his hands go from clenching her waist to gently tracing circles on the now exposed skin on her hips.

~ end of makeout scene  ~

“You…” he begins slowly, lifting his head and letting it rest against her forehead, their breaths mingling. “You drive me crazy, you know?”

She lets out a small laugh, shaking her head lightly against his. “Not really, no.”

He laughs too, reaching a hand up to caress her hair, his eyes on hers once again. “Baby.” he simply says.

“Yes?” she responds, unable to stop a smile from creeping on her face. He smiles too, his heart fluttering, and he takes a deep breath before saying the next few words.

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

She nods her head eagerly, their foreheads rubbing together. “Choi Yeonjun, I’m all yours.” she says, laughing upon seeing his bright smile. She kisses his nose, then his forehead and each of his cheeks. He starts laughing as she showers his face with light kisses. “I’m yours, you’re mine, Baby.” he says, the feeling washing over him.

“You think it’s safe to let everyone know now?” Yeonjun asks her, remembering how he promised Beomgyu they’d tell the rest of the boys about it soon.

B nods, biting her lip as she thinks of how people would react to the news. Yeonjun was her boyfriend. “Yes.”

He uses his thumb to free her lower lip from her teeth, gently tracing it before kissing her softly again. “Let’s tell the guys later. At lunch.” he says, referring to their daily lunchbreaks spent at the gazebo.

“Sure.” she says. Then she pulls away and pushes herself off the table, straightening out her uniform as she does so. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a Biology class to get back to.”

Yeonjun smirks, watching her pull her skirt down and tuck the hem of her blouse back in, straightening her blazer and running her fingers through her hair. It gave him some sort of satisfaction, knowing that he had gotten her so disheveled. He leans back against the table, running a hand through his hair and straightening out his necktie as well, keeping his hands in the front pockets of his trousers.

“Aren’t you coming back to class?” B asks, pulling the face mask out of her blazer pocket and putting securing it over her nose and mouth. “There’s only a few more minutes, and then it’ll be our lunch break.”

Yeonjun shakes his head. “I never went to third period.” he admits. “You better get back to class and surrender your hall pass though. I’ll meet you at the gazebo for lunch.” he says.

B’s mouth drops open. “You skipped third period?” she exclaims. “Please promise me you won’t skip classes again, please?” she pouts.

He laughs, taking her hand and pulling her closer. “I promise. Except for when my father requests it, though. But this is the last non-business related time I skip class.” he says, kissing the back of her hand. “You better hurry back, the bell rings in about 10 minutes.”

“Oh my god, I am so dead!” she squeals, her eyes widen as starts to pull away, but Yeonjun’s grip on her wrist keeps her in place.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” he says pointedly, his brow raised.

“Oh.” she simply says, before standing on her tiptoes and using a finger to pull her mask down, giving him a quick peck on the lips before pulling the mask back up. “That?”

He laughs, shaking his head. “You are adorable. I meant this,” he says, planting the single blue rose in her free hand. “but thanks, Baby.”

She blushes beet red then, straightening out her blazer one last time and quickly saying “See you at lunch, Yeonjun!” before dashing out the door.

He uses the remaining 10 minutes of 3rd period to distract himself from his thoughts by cleaning up all the rose petals he had set up. He wasn’t expecting things to get so heated, he only wanted to ask her to be his girlfriend, but he had to admit that he was pleasantly surprised by the turn of events. Just thinking about how she had reacted to his touches and how adorably flustered she got made him smile to himself, but the memory of her wrapping her legs around his waist and tilting her head back sent his mind wandering into the very place he was trying to distract himself from in the first place.

He sighs, shaking his head as he forced his thoughts to go focus into another mindset instead. He checks his watch, the petals all put away in a garbage bag. As the lunch bell rings, he grabs his things and locks the student council room behind him, putting on a face mask before making his way to the gazebo where he would meet his friends and his girlfriend for lunch.

Now he just had to tell his friends about his girlfriend.

•°•

When B got back to her Biology class, the teacher fortunately didn’t seem to notice that she was gone for well over 5 minutes, but her friends definitely did. When she sat back down beside Ryujin and Yuna, they definitely noticed how long her absence was, and they took note of how flushed she looked, and of the blue rose that he had haphazardly tucked under her blazer.

“Spill it. Now.” the 2 girls eagerly say, eyeing her like a hawk.

“Yeonjun asked me to meet up with him at the student council room.” B whispers to them, making sure that they were the only ones within earshot.

“Ooh, a steamy secret rendezvous in the middle of class?” Ryujin says teasingly.

“No, it wasn’t like that.” B aggressively whispers back, well-aware of how her cheeks were heating up as she tries to push away thoughts of Yeonjun’s lips on her neck.

“So what was it like then?” Yuna asks innocently.

Unable to contain her smile, B says “He asked me to be his girlfriend. And I said yes.”

The 2 girls quietly squeal at the good news. “Wow! Congrats!” Ryujin says.

Yuna nods. “Wow, and just like that for the first time in 2 years, Choi Yeonjun has a girlfriend.”

“2 years? He hasn’t had a girlfriend in 2 years?” B asks, surprised. Since everyone kept mentioning Yeonjun having a record for being one of the biggest flirts on campus, she was expecting him to have a long list of complicated past relationships.

“Well, real serious girlfriends, yeah. He’s been on a few dates with some girls since then, but it never really went beyond that so I wouldn’t call them girlfriends. And if I’m not mistaken, she was his first girlfriend. His first love, actually.” Yuna says thoughtfully. “I don’t really know her since she was never a student here.”

“I did, sort of.” Ryujin pipes up. “Gyu told me all about the guys’ past relationships. He mentioned Yeonjun and Rose’s relationship a lot. He said she was…” she starts, trying to choose her words carefully. “well, a complete bitch.”

“Rose?” B says, the name completely foreign to her. “His first girlfriend? So he’s only had 1 other girlfriend before me? And she was a complete bitch?” she asks, her head spinning with information.

Ryuji nods. “Yeah, despite his track record and dating history, he’s only ever had 1 serious relationship, and that was with Rose.” she says. “Gyu said they were intense. It was one of those relationships that were just so, um, loud I guess?”

“Loud? What do you mean?” B asks, genuinely curious yet a bit afraid to find out the answer.

“Gyu said they were one of those couples who were always so in-your-face about their relationship. Yeonjun wasn’t active on social media back then, but she was, and she was flaunting her relationship all over, showing off all the stuff he’d spoil her with and everything. Not only that, but they were one of those couples that, when going through a fight, the whole world would know about. According to Gyu, their relationship was dramatic and fiery and intense and so damn toxic, but Yeonjun was head over heels for her, which annoyed the guys to no end.”

“That sounds kind of awful.” B says, unable to imagine Yeonjun in such a relationship. “Kind of weird that the guys didn’t seem so supportive, either?”

Ryujin shakes her head. “That’s not even the worst of it. Apparently, she cheated on him with another rich kid she met while she was on vacation or something. Gyu says he hasn’t hated anyone as much as he hated Rose.”

“Now that sounds really awful.” B said, the information overload swirling around in her head. She couldn’t even imagine how awful this girl must’ve been for even Beomgyu and his friends to hate her so much. Why had Yeonjun fallen in love with such an awful person? And how could he have stayed in such a toxic relationship? And how could anyone cheat on him?

“I can’t say for sure since I personally don’t know her, Gyu just showed me a few of her pictures before, but he made her sound like the devil incarnate.” Ryujin says.

“Well, devil incarnate or not, Yeonjun’s definitely taken his standards to a different level with you.” Yuna says a bit comfortingly, squeezing B’s arm, trying to move away from the unpleasant topic. “And the best part is, I’m pretty sure all his friends love you already, so you won’t have to worry about that either. You and Yeonjun are solid.”

“Thanks, Yuna.” B says, smiling in relief. Then, remembering what Kai had told her about wanting to ask Yuna out, B giggles to herself.

“What was that for?” Yuna asks, noticing the sudden giggle.

Just then, the lunch bell rings, and B stands up instantly, slinging her bag over her shoulder. “Nothing. Just excited about my new relationship, I guess.” And about your soon-to-be relationship with my best friend. she thinks to herself, before greeting the girls goodbye and leaving the room.

Due to Kai’s absence, she had to walk to the gazebo alone, growing accustomed to having him pick her up outside her classroom so they could walk to the gazebo together. Now that she was left alone with her thoughts, she was starting to feel overwhelmed about everything that had happened that morning, from being back in school to her meet up with Yeonjun to officially being his girlfriend to learning about his ex. Even though she had learned a lot from Ryujin, she had to admit that her curiosity was still taking over her thoughts, which she knew would probably do no good for her new relationship.

Still, she couldn’t help but wonder about Yeonjun’s past relationship, and worry about how similar it had sounded to her relationship with her one and only ex boyfriend.

As she approaches the gazebo, she sees that Yeonjun and the rest of the guys were already there, sitting at their usual places. Without Kai, she wasn’t sure where she should sit. She usually sat beside Soobin cause that’s where Kai would usually sit before welcoming her into the group, but now she wasn’t sure.

Before she started to worry too much about where to sit, the boys spotted her approaching the gazebo and started waving at her. She smiles and waves back, stepping into the gazebo.

“There you are! Ah, it feels good to see your face around here again.” Beomgyu says, welcoming her in. “And just in time, too. Yeonjun says he has an important announcement that he’d like to make.”

“That we’d like to make, actually.” Yeonjun says, offering B a hand as she steps in, and she takes his hand shyly, letting him guide her into the small space.

“Oh?” Taehyun says, eyeing the 2 with a bad feeling in his gut. “What announcement?”

B takes a deep breath suddenly feeling shy and nervous, her eyes on the ground. She was starting to feel worried about how their friends might react, and guilty about not telling them about the whole thing in the first place. She had grown very fond of the boys and felt very comfortable around them, their closeness making her feel safe, as if she belonged. She was afraid that being Yeonjun’s girlfriend would change the way they see her or the way they treat her.

Sensing her nerves, Yeonjun squeezes her hand, urging her to look at him instead. He offers her a small smile, which she nervously returns. He nods at her before turning his attention to the 3 boys seated. “First thing’s first, I just wanna say that I’m sorry we didn’t tell you guys about this sooner. We just agreed that it would be best to keep it between us until we were sure about how things would go.”

“Whatever it is, we understand.” Soobin says with a smile on his face yet with a sinking feeling in his stomach, his mind buzzing at Yeonjun’s choice of words.

We.

Taehyun looks at his president with worry, a part of him dreading whatever Yeonjun would say next yet already sensing what was coming.

Yeonjun smiles brightly, his heart fluttering as he looks at the girl by his side before slinging an arm over her shoulders and pulling her to his side. “Baby and I are together.”

As the words leave Yeonjun’s mouth, Soobin’s gaze instantly falls on B, wanting to see if it was true or if it was some sort of weird prank that Yeonjun was pulling. When he sees her smile shyly, attempting to bury her face in the blue haired boy’s chest, his heart sinks.

“We’re officially a couple.” she confirms, her face getting redder by the second as she looks up at Yeonjun, who he could tell was grinning behind his face mask.

Soobin didn’t know what felt worse, the fact that his best friend and the girl he just realized he was falling for were now a couple, or the fact that now he was falling in love with his best friend’s girlfriend. Seeing them together now—her with her flushed cheeks and her tight grip on Yeonjun’s necktie and him with his arm dropping down from her shoulders to her waist, securing her by his side—made Soobin feel a bit sick. But what made him feel even sicker was the fact that seeing them together was making him feel sick in the first place. His best friend had finally found an amazing girl 2 years after his horrendous break up and was now dating said amazing girl. He wanted nothing more than to feel happy, but the fact that he didn’t made him feel terrible.

Before Soobin’s guilt starts to consume him, Beomgyu suddenly claps, sending a jolt through everyone in the gazebo. “Wow, congratulations B and YJ!” he says, approaching the couple and happily slapping the older boy on his back. “You 2 look great together.”

“Thanks, Gyu.” B says shyly, her blush visible even through her face mask, one hand fisting Yeonjun’s necktie as he kept her close to him.

“Don’t mention it, I’m happy that this guy has finally moved on.” Beomgyu says teasingly. “And that he was able to score someone way out of his league.” he says, wiggling his brows at the pair.

“Shut up, BG.” Yeonjun says, playfully shoving Beomgyu away before they share a quick high five “You’re right though, I don’t know how I got so lucky.” he says, using his free hand to caress her hair.

“Shut up, both of you.” she says, flustered. She looks at Taehyun and Soobin anxiously, holding her breath as she waited for their reactions. So far, the two boys had either been staring at her and Yeonjun or at each other.

Finally, Taehyun stands up, approaching the couple. “B.” he simply says, which causes her heart to sink a little.

“Tyunie?” she asks, nervously waiting to know his verdict. She and Taehyun had formed a sort of special bond over their walks together, and his opinion was the one that she worried about the most. She wanted to apologize on the spot for not telling him about it sooner, and explain everything about the past couple of weeks to him to make him understand why she had chosen to keep her relationship with Yeonjun a secret. She didn’t know why, but she wanted Taehyun’s approval.

He smiles at her then, and she feels the weight lifted off her chest. “Congratulations.” he finally says, stepping towards her and hugging her, which she wholeheartedly returned. She lets out a sigh as he rubs her back, her chin tucked into his shoulder, before he pulls away. “I just broke a health protocol for you.” he suddenly says, horrified. He instantly steps away then and starts to vigorously spray his hands, arms and neck with alcohol, which causes B to burst out laughing.

“You did it cause you looove me.” she says teasingly. “And thanks, Tyun.” she says, glad that he approved, though she made a mental note to tell him about all the details later on. She felt like she owed him that much.

It’s quiet for a moment as Yeonjun’s gaze lands on Soobin, the only one in the group who hadn’t shown any reaction towards the news as he had just been staring back and forth between him and B the whole time.

For Yeonjun, it was Soobin’s opinion he valued the most. Soobin was one of the few people in the world that Yeonjun would trust with his life. He was the only one among his friends who supported his relationship with Rose, valuing Yeonjun’s happiness above his own when he was clearly unhappy about the whole incident.

He was the one who was there for Yeonjun when everything came crashing down, the one who helped Yeonjun pick himself back up after being cheated on by his first love, the one who helped save Yeonjun from the nights when he would drown himself in alcohol in the hopes of numbing the heartache, the one who would sneak into Yeonjun’s house in the middle of the night to make sure he was asleep safe and sound in his bed rather than hooking up with random girls and picking fights with random guys at the bar, the one who would talk Yeonjun into giving his father a chance and reason with him that his father only wanted what was best for his son, the one who encouraged Yeonjun to join the dance club and the jazzed club and the student council, the one who begged the faculty and advisers to give Yeonjun a second chance at finishing school at MOA promising that he would keep his friend in check, the one who would do anything to make Yeonjun smile, and the one who would always tell Yeonjun the truth.

He stares at Soobin until Soobin’s eyes finally meet his and he stands up, making his way towards the blue haired boy. Once they stood face to face, there’s a moment of silence before Soobin’s face melts into a warm smile, his dimples peeking out from under his mask, his eyes crinkling at the corners, which instantly puts a smile on Yeonjun’s face as well.

Yeonjun pulls him into a hug, relieved. “Congratulations, Yeonjun.” the taller boy says, patting his back a couple of times before pulling away. “I’m so happy for you.” he says.

“Thanks, Binnie.” Yeonjun says, patting him on the back as well. “This means a lot to me.”

Soobin nods at him before turning to B, and before he can say or do anything, she throws her arms out to him and pulls him in for a hug, her tiny body feeling especially fragile as her arms squeezed around his waist.

He looks down at B then, finding her in his arms for the second time that day, in almost the exact same way. Again, he feels time stop the moment his arms wrap themselves around her body, only this time she had her arms around his waist as well. Her face was buried in his chest, the top of her head inches away from his chin, the smell of her lavender-scented shampoo taking over his senses, his hands resting on the curves of her waist.

Only now it felt completely different.

When he hugged her this morning, it felt like everything in the world was falling into place, the feeling hitting him so suddenly with such clarity, as if time seemed to stop as he was hit with the realization that he was falling in love.

As he hugged her now, it felt like everything in the world was falling apart, the horrible feeling hitting him as he felt his heart sink deeper and deeper, as if time seemed to stop as he was hit with the reality that she was Yeonjun’s, that what he felt for her was wrong, that he could never let his feelings for her go past what they were now, that he probably shouldn’t even be hugging her anymore.

“Thanks, Soobinie.” she says in response to how he had congratulated Yeonjun.

“No problem, B.” he says, lifting a hand up to gently stroke her hair, taking a deep breath and taking in her lavender scent, savoring the warmth of her body against his one last time, telling himself he’d never hug her like this for as long as he could handle it. As he lays his chin gently at the top of her head, his eyes meet Taehyun’s, who was standing behind her, staring at him with a sad look in his eyes.

Soobin squeezes his eyes shut, prolonging the hug for a moment longer, before finally pulling away, looking directly at her eyes. She was glowing, her face flushed yet radiant, her smile so big that it was visible under her mask, she looked so so happy that it made his heart ache, knowing that the next few words he’d speak out loud would kill him yet knowing that he meant every bit of it.

“I’m happy for you.”

•°•   

Author’s note:

Hello, thank you for reading! I’m trying to get more familiar with Tumblr, so if you have any suggestions or comments don’t be afraid to drop them! (PS I’m not even sure how to reply to comments, that’s how bad I am at using Tumblr lol but I promise that all replies are highly appreciated!!) PS: Happy 1 year anniversary/birthday, MOA! <3 Also: STREAM DRAMA MV!