#so. he functioned on about 5 hours of sleep for at least 4 years and im pretty sure he still does. what fucking witchcraft is his body

[davidtennantpussytulpa]

i appreciate a quick response but it also scares the shit out of me how fast my PI responds. like FUCK!!! i wasnt prepared to deal further with this for at least a couple hours

[science-lings]

Elaborations under the cut

1- based off of the official art where half the time he's drinking he's just passed out or he's just smiling at nothing. I can see him becoming a functioning alcoholic who drinks mostly because it helps him sleep but I don't think he would want to be that vulnerable in his daily life, especially when hanging out with Kristoph.

2- He was just as spikey as a baby, but also the style seems intentional rather than just how it grows.

3- PW vs PL reference? idk the vibe that in an alternate timeline where he forgets that he's a lawyer he becomes a baker with Maya is just fun so I think he just likes baking in general. Also, I'm a sucker for those AUs where he's a baker. He seems like the type to get stuck in his head while kneading bread dough and regularly makes those kinds of breads that have to basically be beat up to get his anger out. No therapy, only bread.

4- This feels self-explanatory, he can also dance, at least in the way that he can pick up choreography and bullshit his way through any performance. I also think it would be sweet if he sang lullabies to Trucy while she was growing up.

5- There are multiple instances where he passes out from stress and his internal dialogue mentions that he's 'feeling lightheaded' like GIRL... GO TO THE DOCTOR. And he did but that meant that he can't drive in case he gets too stressed driving and passes out... which would not be good.

6- Again, self-explanatory, this man has an abnormal brain, good for him.

7- I don't exactly know what he has tattooed on him but I can see this guy, who is unaffected by pain and also an art major, having a few designs on him. Maybe a dragon winding around his shoulder or a few little silly things on his legs and arms. He doesn't really flaunt them and everyone gets surprised when its the combined prosecutors office and WAA beach day.

8- The magatama should make him look a little spooky, I think it would be fun. Also, I think he should use it to jumpscare anyone who is around while he is sneaking into his kitchen to eat baby carrots when he wants a midnight snack.

9- I've spoken about this before and I will probably do so again, I just think he needs an awful cat as a pet project when Trucy moves out and he gets lonely. It's a better outlet than trying to fix a person who might fake their death or try to poison him.

10- You cannot tell me that undefeated poker player extraordinaire isn't completely in control of his tells as much as he possibly can be. He can dodge questions and provide perfectly true but vague answers. I just think he can be so incredibly cagey and secretive when he has to be, even though he's typically pretty emotionally open. He learned it from Mia (Ms. 'didn't tell Phoenix she had a sister even though they've known each other for years' Fey)

[whisperprime]

Note: I was a ditz and forgot Dream's house (the one we saw in the comics) looks like it has more than one floor and his bedroom would (likely) be upstairs. Minor edits made to reflect this.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Hob wakes with the coming of the dawn, the suns first rays of light creeping across the floor towards the bed like a long missed lover. Although he does not know the exact time he laid down to sleep, he knows it had been light outside when Dream sent him off to his kingdoms soft embrace.

His body has the languid feel of someone who slept half a day away, despite the early hour. He wonders if he had needed the sleep or if his ‘friend’ had thought he needed the sleep. Thinks he’ll let it slid for the sake of feeling safe for the first time in over a hundred years, because he knows whatever happens after Dream has what he wants from him, Hob is safe for the moment.

Hob watches the dawn settle into morning, only partially seeing it. His mind is still and blank, the full weight of his new future circling his peace like a wolf looking for a way in. He does not fear it, for how could he fear this time period, when he already knows what it has in store for him? So much goes on in the world at any given time, he doubts he kind just as much pleasure out of it this time as he did the last time.

No, what lurks just at the edges of his mind, waiting for him to pay attention to it, is whatever the future holds for his ties - should they continue to hold - with the being whose house he currently resides in.

Hob remains in his cocoon of blankets until his bladder remembers it’s a thing that exists. He ponders what it say about his life that the simple need to take a piss has become something novel. It will grow old and routine again all too soon, but for the moment, even bodily functions are a welcome sign that he is free of his bargain.

After relieving himself, Hob pauses in front of the sink in the bathroom. Sitting on the edge by the faucet is an unopened toothbrush and tub of toothpaste, sitting innocuously in a simple black cup. A black comb sits next to the cup.

Those look too new to have been there for some unknown time. Either Dream never uses this house or he set them out for his guest.

Hob is going to assume, all things considered, that it's the later. He doubts an anthropomorphic embodiment of dreams has to worry about brushing his teeth.

He attacks the packaging of the toothbrush with far more enthusiasm than he did his first shower in over a century. This is another habit he has missed and it feels just as nice to have his mouth clean. His hair gets a proper combing next, although it’s not going to be properly tamed until after his next shower.

Feeling a little more like he’s ready to face the world (or at least his host), Hob leaves the bathroom to make his way back downstairs to the kitchen, navigating the stairs a little better on the way down then on the way up. Upon entering the room, however, Hob has to pause in the doorway, his heart doing something funny in his chest as he beholds the scene in front of him.

Dream is working in the kitchen again. Hob watches him as he finishes placing slices of bananas in a bowl full of oatmeal. The look on his face resembles the level of scrutiny one might give a new dish or recipe. A glass of water sits to the side of him, already prepared and ready.

Hob commits the image to memory, wishing he had the artistic talent so that he might commit it to canvas. He tries not to think too deeply on the meaning of any of this. Knows Dream is very well aware of custom and etiquette, even if he’s a little off on how to interact with humans. For all Hob knows this is just simple hospitality to him.

Still. Hob does not think he is soon to forget the sight of Dream of the Endless, King of Dreams and Nightmare making little ol’ him breakfast.

He settles himself in the same chair as last time, content to watch this for as long as he's allowed. He has seen his friend play host in his kingdom. Caught a small glimpse of what his hospitality looks like when he has a full staff to bring them food and drink of the highest caliber. Eating and drinking with the Lord of the Dreaming was a treat one would not soon forget.

But to see him like this? Singular and one on one? It is quite a different sight.

Hob is also aware his face is doing absolutely nothing to hold back how he feels. He tries to wrangle it back into something that merely screams 'happy' and 'fond' instead of 'hopelessly in love' but he's not sure how successful he is.

"Good morning. Did you sleep well?"

Hob doesn't snort, but it's a near thing. As if he doesn't know. "The bed was one of the most comfy I've ever slept in. I slept like a baby."

Dream picked up the bowl and the glass, bringing it over to Hob's spot. He laid them both out, giving Hob a wiff of the oatmeal, which smells far too good for simple oatmeal with bananas. A spoon soon follows. "Light meals are suggested after a period of fasting-" Dream makes a face, a subtle pursing of the lips, as if the word is a lemon and it's personally offended him, "Before moving back to a normal diet."

Hob feels that treacherous swelling in his chest again and squashes it. "Thank you," he says. Pours every scrap of gratitude into it because he is very aware of how outside the norm this is for all that Hob isn't sure how much of it isn't duty or an inconvenience. "Thank you for all of this. Anything I can do to repay you, should it be within my power, I would."

Dreams eyes almost seem to glow, his attention heavy. "Be careful with such promises. They hold weight and being in my debt is not cheap."

Hob shrugs, but not carelessly. He looks this ancient creature dead in the eye, picks up the spoon, and with it eats of the food that was offered to him. When he's swallowed, he says back, "Yes, and I still make it."

Dream stares at him, gaze almost a physical thing. Hob let's him sit with that as he continues to eat, savoring the food the way he hasn't savored food since the early 1700s when his fortunes finally started to turn around. The Dream Lord visibly reigns whatever thoughts he'd been thinking in, and Hobs not sure if they were the good or bad kind.

"I must tend to some things during the morning and early afternoon," he explains, his tone just shy of casual. "I will return late afternoon or early evening. There is food for lunch and dinner, should I not return in time."

Hob pauses, squinting at him. "Although I do appreciate the effort, I can take care of myself, you know."

Dream raises an elegant brow at him, as if Hob is a recalculant child who has gotten themselves into a spot of trouble that should be impossible given the circumstances.

Hob does not say, 'you have no idea.' He also does not prove himself an oversized child by sticking his tongue out at a being older than the universe, but it's a near thing.

Dream's expression smooths back to something professional. "There are clothes in the waredrobe that should fit you." He gestures down the hall. "There is a door to the library down the hall. It can be accessed from up or down stairs. It is a mere portion of my collection, but there should be something in there of interest."

Hob, who has seen the library in the Dreaming, has no doubt even a miniature version could keep him entertained. He looks forward to seeing what Dream might have deemed to add to this collection in the Waking World. He raised his glass, water that it was, in recognition. "I look forward to the privilege. Safe travels and safe returns."

Dreams nods and offers his own parting words. Once he has ensured Hob has finished his breakfast and Hob will take care of the dishes ("I can handle cleaning a few dishes!"), the Dream Lord took his leave. Hob is bemused that Dream waited until he had left out the door before vanishing off to the Dreaming.

Always with the mysterious thing, the prat.

Hob rushes through cleaning the dishes. He wants to get through a quick shower and into that library.

Part 7

[poetsparty]

EA-002 (pt 1/3?)

If you asked me at any point of my life what my dream career would be, I never could’ve fathomed that I would be leading space explorations. My name is Griffin Taylor, but for the past year I’ve been training as Captain 2-3. 

I started out as what my father would’ve called a waste of space. Rotting in a cubical filling out spreadsheets is no one’s idea of a satisfying life. I stumbled upon the newspaper ad by complete accident, looking for volunteers for space exploration crews, I didn’t think it was even real. I kept it, but didn’t do anything about it. A couple days later I got a letter. I don’t know how they found me again, but they did. In short, it was an offer to essentially disappear. To be fair, I didn’t have much to disappear from, so why not. 

So for the past year I’ve been in the midst of NASA’s underground training program. There are other planets out there suitable for human life. There have been two explorations to planet EA-002 in the past month. The ships returned empty. The excavations have become less about exploration and more about relocating the lost crews. 

I will be guiding a team of 4 others. Since I was given the position, both my crew and the NASA team running the controls here on Earth have come to refer to me only as Captain 2-3. 

Day 1: We boarded the ship late in the night. The projected travel time is three weeks, our Pilot wants to shave at least half a week off that time, (much to the Engineer’s disdain). We’ve been training together for some time, so we’re all on good terms. It’s been a couple hours, everything is running smoothly, largely in thanks to the J.O.C.. I was pulled aside by the Mission Specialist. He expressed concern. He was the newest to the training program, brought on when the mission became geared towards finding the missing crew. He used to be a Private Investigator, before getting wrapped up in all this. It’ll take time, but he’ll realize he’s just as much a part of this crew as the rest of us.

Day 5: We’ve adjusted to life on the ship pretty quickly. The Mission Specialist has kept to himself, he seems the stoic type. All the more reason that I appreciate his honesty to me at the start of the journey. The Pilot has been getting restless, though he insists this is the greatest opportunity of his life. There’s more to it, but that’s not my place to pry. The Mission Specialist has noticed it too, but I’ve told him prying into the lives of the crew isn’t why he’s here. Hopefully he’ll stand down, but I can’t help but worry for the Pilot. He’s operating most of the ship's functions during this journey.

Day 7: Our J.O.C. has been keeping in contact with the Ground SCaN team the most through this trip. According to Grounds, we’re on track to reach the planet in the predicted three weeks, which the Engineer was glad to hear. There haven’t been many problems with the ship, I’m led to believe the Pilot was joking in cutting the time down when he realized it would put the ship at risk. But that’s between me and the Mission Specialist. He didn’t really take my instruction from the previous day to heart. I digress.

Day 10: We’ve been trying to keep some semblance of a schedule on the ship. Most of us line up when we sleep. I was given a watch that keeps the time in relation to Ground SCaN. At about 2 AM Ground time, we were woken with a violent jolt of the ship. Then alarms started blaring. Immediately, the girls sprang onto it, the rest of us quick in tow. One of the boosters had been struck by an unexpected asteroid in our path. The J.O.C. alerted Ground SCaN, as there’s always someone on duty for instances like this. The Pilot had to cancel course, sending the ship into an idle state, moving only by the forces of space. We suited the engineer and myself to help her. We had the Mission Specialist in control of the chords connecting us to the ship. From there it was up to the Engineer to get the ship’s booster repaired. To be honest, I was mostly there to relay any information from The J.O.C. and to hold things for The Engineer. “Grounds in asking for an estimate of how much longer this will take.” “How long has it been?” “20 minutes Grounds time.” “It should be another 10, tops.” “Got it.” “You can go back inside, I’ve got it from here.” She turns to face me. “Are you sure? I have no problem making sure things here go smoothly.” “What, are you waiting for me to mess something up so you can take over?” “No! You’re perfectly capable here, Engineer. I’m here if you need anything else.” “I’m sick of this whole ‘calling people by their title’ thing. My name is Tia.” I wasn’t expecting her to tell me this. “That’s understandable, but it is protocol. I can start calling you your name if you prefere, but the rest of the crew might not feel comfortable sharing theirs just yet.” “I understand,” she turned back to the ship’s booster, “Thanks, Captain.” She got back to work.

Once we were pulled back to the ship and unsuited, the Pilot and J.O.S. were waiting for the signal to set the ship into motion again. The signal came for the J.O.S., and all she had to do was give a nod, we fired up the engines again, the booster performed as if there was never a collision. The J.O.S. relayed that we weren’t thrown of course at all during the collision and repairs thereafter, which was nothing short of a miracle. The Pilot set us in motion again and we were off, taking our speed quicker than normal to make up for the lost time, before we were able to set the course to it’s autopilot cruise.

Day 16 Tia has asked several times to go out again to check on the booster, Grounds has yet to approve it though. They claim nothing’s been cause for concern yet, so there’s nothing to worry about. The Pilot told me confidentially, however, that he’s been pushing the speed in small increments each day, so that when Grounds realizes, she’ll have a chance to go check up on it with no detriment to the time. I honored the compassion, but told him that wouldn’t be necessary. After all, that only ups the risk for something else to go wrong in the future.

Day 17 Grounds caught on to the Pilot’s scheme, the whole crew was quick on the scheme. I had to swear I didn’t ‘tattle’ or anything of the sort. Tia was the first to catch on to the language. “Tattle? What is this a third grade classroom?” she teased, causing the pilot to go red in the face. “Sorry, force of habit I suppose.” “Habit? Were you a teacher?” M.S. chose to chime in. “No, no,” he laughed, “my wife and I were planning on having a kid, before all of this, of course.” “Why’d you do it then?” The J.O.S. chimed in, not helping to end the Pilot’s embarrassment at all. As he fumbled to find a response, I figured they had messed enough. “We all have our reasons for joining this operation. We can keep them to ourselves if we wish.” There was a grumble in response, but The Pilot looked grateful. “Grounds is coming in.” J.O.S. suddenly sounded, before responding to them. She listened for a moment, before nodding and signing off. “You’re good to check up on the booster, we have time.” She told Tia. The girl practically jumped for joy, running off to get her suit ready. The Pilot gave me a smile, and I couldn’t help but laugh at how flawlessly his plan ended up working, tattling or not.

Day 20 We’re nearing planet EA-002, and there’s a tense energy among the crew. Everyone is sticking to their stations, making sure everything is prepared for the landing soon to come. It was the Pilot who pulled me aside. “I’m sorry about before. I shouldn’t have pushed the ship.” “It’s alright, we were able to check up on the booster without going off schedule, honestly I’m shocked just how perfectly it worked.” “Thank you, by the way, for stepping in when you did, Captain. To be honest, the reason I went on this whole journey is kind of embarrassing.” I offered for him to take a seat, and also sat. “Are you wanting to tell someone?” To my question, he nodded. “It’s been my dream, ever since I was a kid, to go to space. I was ready to give up everything for that. But my wife, she’s so smart, saw the potential money out of it. I wanna be able to provide for her and start our family, you know? But I’m worried. It’s been such a long time already, and we’re just now getting to the place. Then once we’re there…” He looked out one of the ship’s windows, staring at the stars. “We’ve put a lot on the line here. Your commitment to your dream is more than almost anyone can say for themselves.” I stood, so did he, and we both went to the window. Just staring out into the vast expanse of stars. “The other crews… it’s understandable where your uneasiness is coming from. But, we owe it to ourselves to get this right.” I put a hand on his shoulder, “for her, and everything else waiting for us back home.” “For home,” he repeated.

[lennsart]

KHOC Week Day 4 5 : Alternative Universes

@khoc-week

Today is a day that is a little scary to me, since I want to share some of my writing for the first time !

I'm constantly writing about KH, and my current obsession has been to imagine an highschool AU with the KH kids. I know, taking away the magic isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I was inspired !

The main characters of this fic would be Xail and Vanitas, who would meet... In a closet. Thus, I eloquently call it "The closet AU"

The first paragraphs are under the cut ! It's not too long, less than 1000 words.

Sometimes, Xail was able to function with very little sleep. Her insomnias were tough, and she was used to short nights. 

But today wasn't one of these days.

She fought to stay awake for the whole hour before lunch, too focused on keeping her eyes open to listen to the teacher. 

And she knew for a fact it wouldn't do any good long term.

So she grabbed a sandwich at the cafeteria and decided to find a hiding spot to sleep during the break. If she could only get one hour, it would probably get her back on track, at least for the rest of the day.

She had noticed one of the stairs had a space below it, and though it was closed by a door, it was worth trying. Thankfully the corridor around was empty, probably because everyone was eating.

But no one waited for Xail during breaks anyway.

...

Pushing the door, she realized it was unlocked. If that wasn't a sign that it was the perfect spot, she didn't know what would be !

She entered, closed the door and enjoyed the dark for a minute. 

Just a minute, because before she knew it, she was fast and sound asleep.

It really was the perfect spot.

______________________________________________________________

Vanitas Hated people, with a capital H. If school had taught him one thing, it was that everyone had their own way of being insufferable. He'd rather spend his whole time alone, even though he didn't particularly find his own company pleasant either.

But everything was better than a conversation with people who forced smiles to conceal how much they thought he was a freak.

Thus, like a freak, he hid in a hole.

Well, not a real hole. More like an abandoned closet. 

The thing was out of use and sealed off, but nothing that his studded boots hadn't been able to open.

And as long as he was careful to close after he left, no one would know better.

That was what he thought.

But two days ago, he found his closet open. It was empty, so he thought nothing of it. Well, that wasn't true ; he did think something, and it was : "fucking wind".

Today, though, he opened the door, and someone was there.

" - What the hell ?! "

It got out before he could think of anything else.

There was a girl. In his hiding spot.

And she was sleeping.

Well, she had been.

" - Dude, " she just said, hiding her eyes from the light.

Vanitas felt inexplicable shame, realizing someone found this closet. And he hated that.

" - Get the fuck out ! " He grunted, teeth gritted. " That's my spot ! "

The girl sighed.

" - Yeah, well that was also mine.

  - Since when ?? "

He had spent all his breaks there since the year before, so obviously this girl was a liar.

" - Since last week, actually. "

...But he hadn't been in school last week.

Of course. Of fucking course the week where he wasn't here, someone discovered his spot.

Somewhere deep down, he knew his anger was unexplained, and that it was silly to get worked up for a closet.

But it had been his private hidden spot for a year now.

Who was this girl to claim it as her own ? 

" - Look, I've been spending my time here since a whole fucking year now, and it's only for one reason : being alone. So if you don't get out of here, I'll make you. "

She looked pretty unimpressed, which was infuriating. Half the school was scared of him. Why would this newbie be so indifferent ? 

" - Ok, " she started, " I don't know why you hide here, but I slept like 4 hours in two nights, and I'm hanging on by a very thin thread right now. I'm not even sure I could walk away if I wanted to. You can do whatever you want, I'm about to pass out anyway, so please, close the goddamn door. "

At this moment, he could have grabbed her and threatened her. He meant it when he said he could've made her leave ; he fought bigger people than her, and she didn't even look that heavy.

But something in the fact that her bravery was only sleep deprivation had maybe, just a tad, made this girl's presence more bearable. And it was maybe, just possibly, because it made him think about himself.

He closed the door, furious that he was listening to her.

" - You rock, " she declared, and he heard her turn over. 

He would sulk for way longer than he'd ever want to admit, conflicted about the fact that it was nice to hear.

That's it for now ! I just wanted to show their personality and the context, but it's still a draft. And since I drew a little something for this AU just yesterday, I decided to add it as well :

...Where Xail ends up by buying Vanitas' friendship with chocolate !

That's it for today, and probably the rest of the week ! If I post anything else for this year it'll probably be late. So I'll only watch the other posts and wish you all a nice end of the week !

[words-after-midnight]

What's a fun fact about Jeff (or other character) that you never have an opportunity to share?

OH MAN I HAVE SO MANY RANDOM FACTS ABOUT JEFF. As you've begun to learn, he's... quite a character (pun intended). I'll stick mostly to things that aren't mentioned/elaborated on in the novel! I feel like you already know a couple of these...

1. First of all he's from Birmingham, Alabama. Whenever he's asked where he's from, he's like, "oh, it's just a tiny little hick town in Alabama. You probably haven't heard of it." It's literally fucking Birmingham. (Btw, yes, he has what's described as a "mild Southern drawl.")

2. His parents had him when his mother was 18 and his bio father was 19 respectively. Both of his biological parents were left-wing activists in their youth, so he attended a lot of protests as a baby/young toddler. He was raised atheist and according to a Marxist philosophy.

3. He can fool a polygraph examination.

4. His childhood was - overall - pretty good. For him, at least. He does have some trauma from his teenage years, mostly stemming from multiple stints in juvenile detention starting at the age of 10. It's unclear exactly how these events affected him.

5. He has an unusually high pain tolerance, especially when under the influence.

6. He went to school in Birmingham until his junior year, when he moved in with his biological father in Philadelphia. He did (most of) his junior year at a school in Philly, where he caused a fuckload of trouble and was expelled not even a year in.

7. Extremely high maintenance when it comes to his appearance. "Spends two hours in the bathroom getting ready for a trip to the fucking post office." - Gabriel

8. Extremely Bisexual, but he prefers to take women out on actual dates because they tend to be - in his words - "better conversation partners." If you're a guy who wants to go on a date with him, you're gonna plan it, and it better be something he finds enjoyable (hint: take him to an amusement park).

9. He owns a scarf collection. We're talking over a hundred scarves.

10. He perpetually functions on 5-6 hours of sleep a night.

11. Loves cheesecake.

12. His favorite band is Pink Floyd (somehow don't think they'd approve).

13. His name is not short for Jeffrey.

14. Nicknames absolutely everyone. It's rare that he refers to someone by their actual first name.

15. Has a Thing about cleanliness - like, he eats pretty much exclusively "clean" food (he's literally one of those juice cleanse people, I swear to god), showers often, has like a 1700-step skincare routine, his room is immaculate, etc. This is pretty hypocritical considering he does like every drug on the planet, but yeah.

16. This is more of a core characteristic than a fun fact lol but anyway: chronically bored out of his mind and a massive adrenaline junkie. He'll do anything for a cheap thrill or some entertainment, in whatever form he can get it.

17. One time he tried to convince all of his friends that he didn't know about Congress.

18. His drink of choice is either straight whiskey, a mimosa, or the fruitiest fucking cocktail you've ever seen.

19. He was born on February 19th, 1983 (almost exactly six months older than Gabriel).

20. No matter who you are, he's convinced he can win a fight against you.

[auliasbookcorner]

Review: Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams by Matthew Walker, PhD

Book 3 of 2023

Start Reading Time: 3 February 2023

Finish reading Time: 30 March 2023

Page Count: 368 Pages

TRIGGER WARNINGS: DEATH, MEDICAL CONTENT, ANIMAL CRUELTY, CHRONIC ILLNESS, MENTAL ILLNESS

Hey, look! A nonfiction book! The first of the year!! Pretty big thing for me. Can you tell I struggled with this book by how long I spent reading it? It's been a while since I read a non-fiction book, but I hope I'll read more of it this year and it won't take as long.

I picked this book, of course, because I love sleep, but also because my Mom had trouble falling asleep and it negatively impacted her health. We even went to the doctor and she was prescribed some sleeping pills, which helped her sleep, but I don't know if it's good for her in the long run. So, I decided to read more about sleep, as I've never really got to know very much about it, and when you love something you'd make an effort to know more about it, right?

It just so happens that my uncle, my Mom's oldest brother, suffered a heart attack and a stroke earlier this month. When I went to visit him in the hospital he told me he could not get a wink of sleep since before the heart attack. I told him about this book I was reading at the time and gave him some tips to help him fall asleep from this book, and I think he really appreciated it. Now, I would recommend this book to all my loved ones or at least inform them of the importance of sleeping 7-8 hours every night.

I really do think that this needs to be taught in schools, as it is absolutely pivotal for everyone's health and all of our lives and the improvement of our society.

Some of the most fascinating things I learned from this book is about REM and NREM sleep, how and why we dream, how people have different circadian rhythms and that it is genetics, and basically just the amazing impacts on health that a sleep night could give us living beings. Even though I did find some of the parts of the book can be quite boring, it is still a really interesting and important book to read for everybody.

Also, some parts of the book can be quite grim and scary in the parts about the horrible things that come from lack of sleep. I felt personally attacked too, because I don't get 7+ hours of sleep regularly for no good reasons other than Netflix, Youtube, Twitter, and Tiktok exist. Also, sometimes it's because the books I'm reading were just so good that it makes me play this dangerous game of "just one more page" that could magically make 4+ hours of a few chapters feel like 5 minutes.

Overall, it's a great book that provides the readers with so much awesome knowledge about sleep, dreams, and just human health in general that could have greatly impacted the readers' health positively in the long run. Definitely an important read.

Here are my favorite quotes from the book:

"Hard problems care little about what motivates their interrogators; they meter out their lessons of difficulty all the same."

"The prefrontal cortex controls high-level thought and logical reasoning, and helps keep our emotions in check. When a night owl is forced to wake up too early, their prefrontal cortex remains in a disabled, “offline” state. Like a cold engine after an early-morning start, it takes a long time before it warms up to operating temperature, and before that will not function efficiently.

An adult’s owlness or larkness, also known as their chronotype, is strongly determined by genetics. If you are a night owl, it’s likely that one (or both) of your parents is a night owl. Sadly, society treats night owls rather unfairly on two counts. First is the label of being lazy, based on a night owl’s wont to wake up later in the day, due to the fact that they did not fall asleep until the early-morning hours. Others (usually morning larks) will chastise night owls on the erroneous assumption that such preferences are a choice, and if they were not so slovenly, they could easily wake up early. However, night owls are not owls by choice. They are bound to a delayed schedule by unavoidable DNA hardwiring. It is not their conscious fault, but rather their genetic fate.

Second is the engrained, un-level playing field of society’s work scheduling, which is strongly biased toward early start times that punish owls and favor larks.Although the situation is improving, standard employment schedules force owls into an unnatural sleep-wake rhythm. Consequently, job performance of owls as a whole is far less optimal in the mornings, and they are further prevented from expressing their true performance potential in the late afternoon and early evening as standard work hours end prior to its arrival. Most unfortunately, owls are more chronically sleep-deprived, having to wake up with the larks, but not being able to fall asleep until far later in the evening. Owls are thus often forced to burn the proverbial candle at both ends. Greater ill health caused by a lack of sleep therefore befalls owls, including higher rates of depression, anxiety, diabetes, cancer, heart attack, and stroke.

In this regard, a societal change is needed, offering accommodations not dissimilar to those we make for other physically determined differences (e.g., sight impaired). We require more supple work schedules that better adapt to all chronotypes, and not just one in its extreme."

"You can, however, artificially mute the sleep signal of adenosine by using a chemical that makes you feel more alert and awake: caffeine. Caffeine is not a food supplement. Rather, caffeine is the most widely used (and abused) psychoactive stimulant in the world. It is the second most traded commodity on the planet, after oil. The consumption of caffeine represents one of the longest and largest unsupervised drug studies ever conducted on the human race, perhaps rivaled only by alcohol, and it continues to this day."

"Levels of circulating caffeine peak approximately thirty minutes after oral administration. What is problematic, though, is the persistence of caffeine in your system. In pharmacology, we use the term “half-life” when discussing a drug’s efficacy. This simply refers to the length of time it takes for the body to remove 50 percent of a drug’s concentration. Caffeine has an average half-life of five to seven hours. Let’s say that you have a cup of coffee after your evening dinner, around 7:30 p.m. This means that by 1:30 a.m., 50 percent of that caffeine may still be active and circulating throughout your brain tissue. In other words, by 1:30 a.m., you’re only halfway to completing the job of cleansing your brain of the caffeine you drank after dinner.

There’s nothing benign about that 50 percent mark, either. Half a shot of caffeine is still plenty powerful, and much more decomposition work lies ahead throughout the night before caffeine disappears. Sleep will not come easily or be smooth throughout the night as your brain continues its battle against the opposing force of caffeine. Most people do not realize how long it takes to overcome a single dose of caffeine, and therefore fail to make the link between the bad night of sleep we wake from in the morning and the cup of coffee we had ten hours earlier with dinner."

"It is worth pointing out that caffeine is a stimulant drug. Caffeine is also the only addictive substance that we readily give to our children and teens"

"Similar to an unbalanced diet in which you only eat carbohydrates and are left malnourished by the absence of protein, short-changing the brain of either NREM or REM sleep—both of which serve critical, though different, brain and body functions—results in a myriad of physical and mental ill health, as we will see in later chapters. When it comes to sleep, there is no such thing as burning the candle at both ends—or even at one end—and getting away with it."

"Many of the explanations for why we sleep circle around a common, and perhaps erroneous, idea: sleep is the state we must enter in order to fix that which has been upset by wake."

"But what if we turned this argument on its head? What if sleep is so useful—so physiologically beneficial to every aspect of our being—that the real question is: Why did life ever bother to wake up? Considering how biologically damaging the state of wakefulness can often be, that is the true evolutionary puzzle here, not sleep. Adopt this perspective, and we can pose a very different theory: sleep was the first state of life on this planet, and it was from sleep that wakefulness emerged."

"Humans are not sleeping the way nature intended. The number of sleep bouts, the duration of sleep, and when sleep occurs have all been comprehensively distorted by modernity."

"Have you ever wondered about the meaning of the term “midnight”? It of course means the middle of the night, or, more technically, the middle point of the solar cycle. And so it is for the sleep cycle of hunter-gatherer cultures, and presumably all those that came before. Now consider our cultural sleep norms. Midnight is no longer “mid night.” For many of us, midnight is usually the time when we consider checking our email one last time—and we know what often happens in the protracted thereafter. Compounding the problem, we do not then sleep any longer into the morning hours to accommodate these later sleep-onset times. We cannot. Our circadian biology, and the insatiable early-morning demands of a post-industrial way of life, denies us the sleep we vitally need. At one time we went to bed in the hours after dusk and woke up with the chickens. Now many of us are still waking up with the chickens, but dusk is simply the time we are finishing up at the office, with much of the waking night to go. Moreover, few of us enjoy a full afternoon nap, further contributing to our state of sleep bankruptcy."

"Related, the REM-sleep gift of facilitating accurate recognition and comprehension allows us to make more intelligent decisions and actions as a consequence. More specifically, the coolheaded ability to regulate our emotions each day—a key to what we call emotional IQ—depends on getting sufficient REM sleep night after night. (If your mind immediately jumped to particular colleagues, friends, and public figures who lack these traits, you may well wonder about how much sleep, especially late-morning REM-rich sleep, they are getting.)

Second, and more critical, if you multiply these individual benefits within and across groups and tribes, all of which are experiencing an ever-increasing intensity and richness of REM sleep over millennia, we can start to see how this nightly REM-sleep recalibration of our emotional brains could have scaled rapidly and exponentially. From this REM-sleep-enhanced emotional IQ emerged a new and far more sophisticated form of hominid socioecology across vast collectives, one that helped enable the creation of large, emotionally astute, stable, highly bonded, and intensely social communities of humans."

"As this positive feedback loop took hold in exponential fashion, we formed, organized, maintained, and deliberatively shaped ever larger social groups. The rapidly increasing creative abilities could thus be spread more efficiently and rapidly, and even improved by that ever-increasing amount of hominid REM-sleep that enhances emotional and social sophistication. REM-sleep dreaming therefore represents a tenable new contributing factor, among others, that led to our astonishingly rapid evolutionary rise to power, for better and worse—a new (sleep-fueled), globally dominant social superclass."

"To be clear, not all medical problems of aging are attributable to poor sleep. But far more of our age-related physical and mental health ailments are related to sleep impairment than either we, or many doctors, truly realize or treat seriously."

"It was a saddening confirmation of my theory: the parts of our brain that ignite healthy deep sleep at night are the very same areas that degenerate, or atrophy, earliest and most severely as we age."

"I believe we should recognize and treat sleep impairments in the elderly with a similar regard and compassion, recognizing that they do, in fact, need just as much sleep as other adults."

"However, the capacity to forget can, in certain contexts, be as important as the need for remembering, both in day-to-day life (e.g., forgetting last week’s parking spot in preference for today’s) and clinically (e.g., in excising painful, disabling memories, or in extinguishing craving in addiction disorders). Moreover, forgetting is not just beneficial to delete stored information we no longer need. It also lowers the brain resources required for retrieving those memories we want to retain, similar to the ease of finding important documents on a neatly organized, clutter-free desk. In this way, sleep helps you retain everything you need and nothing that you don’t, improving the ease of memory recollection. Said another way, forgetting is the price we pay for remembering."

"Standing in front of the manager, staff, and players, I tell them about one of the most sophisticated, potent, and powerful—not to mention legal—performance enhancers that has real game-winning potential: sleep."

"A final benefit of sleep for memory is arguably the most remarkable of all: creativity. Sleep provides a nighttime theater in which your brain tests out and builds connections between vast stores of information. This task is accomplished using a bizarre algorithm that is biased toward seeking out the most distant, nonobvious associations, rather like a backward Google search. In ways your waking brain would never attempt, the sleeping brain fuses together disparate sets of knowledge that foster impressive problem-solving abilities. If you ponder the type of conscious experience such outlandish memory blending would produce, you may not be surprised to learn that it happens during the dreaming state—REM sleep. ... such informational alchemy conjured by REM-sleep dreaming has led to some of the greatest feats of transformative thinking in the history of the human race."

"No facet of the human body is spared the crippling, noxious harm of sleep loss. We are, as you will see, socially, organizationally, economically, physically, behaviorally, nutritionally, linguistically, cognitively, and emotionally dependent upon sleep."

"After thirty years of intensive research, we can now answer many of the questions posed earlier. The recycle rate of a human being is around sixteen hours. After sixteen hours of being awake, the brain begins to fail. Humans need more than seven hours of sleep each night to maintain cognitive performance. After ten days of just seven hours of sleep, the brain is as dysfunctional as it would be after going without sleep for twenty-four hours. Three full nights of recovery sleep (i.e., more nights than a weekend) are insufficient to restore performance back to normal levels after a week of short sleeping. Finally, the human mind cannot accurately sense how sleep-deprived it is when sleep-deprived."

"There are many things that I hope readers take away from this book. This is one of the most important: if you are drowsy while driving, please, please stop. It is lethal. To carry the burden of another’s death on your shoulders is a terrible thing. Don’t be misled by the many ineffective tactics people will tell you can battle back against drowsiness while driving."

"Insufficient sleep does not, therefore, push the brain into a negative mood state and hold it there. Rather, the under-slept brain swings excessively to both extremes of emotional valence, positive and negative.

You may think that the former counter-balances the latter, thereby neutralizing the problem. Sadly, emotions, and their guiding of optimal decision and actions, do not work this way. Extremity is often dangerous. Depression and extreme negative mood can, for example, infuse an individual with a sense of worthlessness, together with ideas of questioning life’s value. There is now clearer evidence of this concern. Studies of adolescents have identified a link between sleep disruption and suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, and, tragically, suicide completion in the days after. One more reason for society and parents to value plentiful sleep in teens rather than chastise it, especially considering that suicide is the second-leading cause of death in young adults in developed nations after car accidents."

"If you were one of the individuals who were obtaining just five to six hours each night or less, you were 200 to 300 percent more likely to suffer calcification of your coronary arteries over the next five years, relative to those individuals sleeping seven to eight hours. The deficient sleep of those individuals was associated with a closing off of the critical passageways that should otherwise be wide open and feeding the heart with blood, starving it and significantly increasing the risk of a coronary heart attack."

"short sleep (of the type that many adults in first-world countries commonly and routinely report) will increase hunger and appetite, compromise impulse control within the brain, increase food consumption (especially of high-calorie foods), decrease feelings of food satisfaction after eating, and prevent effective weight loss when dieting."

"As the theory predicted, it was the dreaming state of REM sleep—and specific patterns of electrical activity that reflected the drop in stress-related brain chemistry during the dream state—that determined the success of overnight therapy from one individual to the next. It was not, therefore, time per se that healed all wounds, but instead it was time spent in dream sleep that was providing emotional convalescence. To sleep, perchance to heal.

Sleep, and specifically REM sleep, was clearly needed in order for us to heal emotional wounds."

"Using LED devices at night impacts our natural sleep rhythms, the quality of our sleep, and how alert we feel during the day. The societal and public health ramifications, discussed in the penultimate chapter, are not small. I, like many of you, have seen young children using electronic tablets at every opportunity throughout the day . . . and evening. The devices are a wonderful piece of technology. They enrich the lives and education of our youth. But such technology is also enriching their eyes and brains with powerful blue light that has a damaging effect on sleep—the sleep that young, developing brains so desperately need in order to flourish."

"The obvious methods involve reducing caffeine and alcohol intake, removing screen technology from the bedroom, and having a cool bedroom. In addition, patients must (1) establish a regular bedtime and wake-up time, even on weekends, (2) go to bed only when sleepy and avoid sleeping on the couch early/mid-evenings, (3) never lie awake in bed for a significant time period; rather, get out of bed and do something quiet and relaxing until the urge to sleep returns, (4) avoid daytime napping if you are having difficulty sleeping at night, (5) reduce anxiety-provoking thoughts and worries by learning to mentally decelerate before bed, and (6) remove visible clockfaces from view in the bedroom, preventing clock-watching anxiety at night."

"The loud-and-proud corporate mentality of sleeplessness as the model for success is evidentially wrong at every level of analysis we have explored. Sound sleep is clearly sound business. Nevertheless, many companies remain deliberately antisleep in their structured practices. Like flies set in amber, this attitude keeps their businesses in a similarly frozen state of stagnation, lacking in innovation and productivity, and breeding employee unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and ill health."

"It is clear that a tired, under-slept brain is little more than a leaky memory sieve, in no state to receive, absorb, or efficiently retain an education. To persist in this way is to handicap our children with partial amnesia. Forcing youthful brains to become early birds will guarantee that they do not catch the worm, if the worm in question is knowledge or good grades. We are, therefore, creating a generation of disadvantaged children, hamstrung by a privation of sleep. Later school start times are clearly, and literally, the smart choice.

One of the most troubling trends emerging in this area of sleep and brain development concerns low-income families—a trend that has direct relevance to education. Children from lower socioeconomic backgrounds are less likely to be taken to school in a car, in part because their parents often have jobs in the service industry demanding work start times at or before six a.m. Such children therefore rely on school buses for transit, and must wake up earlier than those taken to school by their parents. As a result, those already disadvantaged children become even more so because they routinely obtain less sleep than children from more affluent families. The upshot is a vicious cycle that perpetuates from one generation to the next—a closed-loop system that is very difficult to break out of. We desperately need active intervention methods to shatter this cycle, and soon."

"We can scale this solution globally: anywhere there is immunization and the opportunity to track an individual’s sleep, there is the chance for marked cost savings to health-care systems, governments, and businesses, all with the motivated goal of trying to help people live healthier lives."

"This silent sleep loss epidemic is the greatest public health challenge we face in the twenty-first century in developed nations. If we wish to avoid the suffocating noose of sleep neglect, the premature death it inflicts, and the sickening health it invites, a radical shift in our personal, cultural, professional, and societal appreciation of sleep must occur.

I believe it is time for us to reclaim our right to a full night of sleep, without embarrassment or the damaging stigma of laziness. In doing so, we can be reunited with that most powerful elixir of wellness and vitality, dispensed through every conceivable biological pathway. Then we may remember what it feels like to be truly awake during the day, infused with the very deepest plenitude of being."

I highly recommend this book for everybody. We all deserve to get a good 7+ hours of sleep every night, and it helps so much to know the great health benefits of sleep too. So, please read this book, and please get more sleep if you don't regularly get 7+ hours of sleep every night. This year, I wanna invest in a sleep tracker and try to get a regular 7+ hours of sleep every night too. LET’S GET THOSE ZZZZ’S, PEOPLE.

WRITING STYLE - ⭐⭐⭐⭐

ENTERTAINMENT LEVEL - 💔💔💔

BOOK COVER DESIGN - ⭐⭐⭐

OVERALL BOOK RATING - ⭐⭐⭐⭐

[aimmyarrowshigh]

last 10 first lines meme

@bossymarmalade tagged me!

Rules: post the first lines of your last 10 fics/chapters posted on AO3 (if you have less than 10 fics posted, post the first lines of all your fics) and try to draw some conclusions.

I'm only going for non-drabble fics, because I feel like my drabble first lines are always "sets up the scenario with dialogue if possible."

Could Use A Guy Like Me - Joyce Byers/Steve Harrington, Stranger Things

It starts in the parking lot of Starcourt Mall’s burning carcass.

2. The Price We Pay - Molly McIntire, American Girl

Molly perches on James’ knee. He’s home! She had forgotten the smell of him, so comforting and important, like Palmolive shaving cream and the starch in his shirts and the faint scent of antiseptic from the clinic.

3. Four Times The Avengers Guessed Clint- and Natasha's Designations Wrong - Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, MCU

The shawarma shop is quiet, all things considered—quiet aside from the cacophony of journalists clamoring at its broken windows for the best shot of The Avengers sitting around an askew table, tired and human, waiting for their food.

4. Home is the Human Heart - Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, MCU

Bucky is a little skeptical at first. He doesn’t like crowds of people, for one thing, and for another, it’s not a holiday about which he has terribly strong memories. He remembers Sukkot and lying in the sukkah that he and his dad made up on the rooftop, next to the Shapiros’ sukkah and the Cohens’ sukkah and Mrs. Flannery’s well-tended garden. He remembers his rumbling stomach on Yom Kippur as Rabbi—what was his name? Well, anyway, he remembers the hunger. And he remembers Pesach, his first sips of wine and its acrid alcohol burning on his thirteen-year-old tongue.

5. Haiku - Natasha Romanov, MCU

The plane touches down at the Haneda Airport long after night has fallen outside the airplane windows. Clint leans over and presses his face against the glass as they glide and touch down, watching the sparkling colored lights of Tokyo grow closer and closer. Natasha does not: she has seen cities from the air before. She stares at the back of Clint’s head, instead, at the way his hair is mussed from sleeping in the seat upright.

6. Not in the Answer But the Question - Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, MCU

“On your left.”

7. a smile on your immortal face - Samantha Parkington/Nellie O'Malley, American Girl

Samantha is a well-bred young lady, which means that she attends the women’s college an hour away from home to learn her finishing and to attend functions with the nearby eligible men of Cornell, Princeton, and Yale. It would be uncouth—not to mention un-Christian—to mix with the men of Columbia.

8. Gee, I Hope You're Ready For A Fic About Death - Beetlejuice: The Musical (gen)

Grown-ups are terrible at hiding their feelings. At least, they’re terrible at hiding the fact that they think Lydia is a freak.

9. Five Times Captain America Fucked A USO Girl & One Time Steve Rogers Got Fucked - Steve Rogers/OFCs, Steve Rogers/Hedy Lamarr, Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers

Bettie smiles up at Steve and turns so that her long, lean white back faces him. “Zip me up, Captain?”

10. Slice of Life - Clint Barton & Kate Bishop, minor Yelena Belova/Kate Bishop

“C’mon, kid.” Clint slings his arm around Kate’s shoulders. “I’ll show you where to get the best hot dog in New York.”

I tag @bebeocho, @fille-lioncelle, @lazaefair, @idontgettechnology, andddd @morethanonepage

[kromer]

shin m'nase :)

i am quite pre-vic-table

Overall opinion of them: A dogshit excuse for a human being and an even more compelling character. If you don't feel even a shred of sympathy for him, you don't understand the text well enough. Has held the position of my #1 favorite character for 5 consecutive years and still going strong

Gender/sexuality headcanons: Trans man, and I have no idea how to describe his sexuality. Bi, maybe?? That's what I've went with for years but I'm not so sure anymore

Favorite moment in canon: His death scene and his arrival at the end of QDS2. The entirety of ODOA was also pretty entertaining

Favorite moment in a fanwork: Someone once drew him cicada blocking Heat in an old blog post. I'm pretty sure the last time I saw it was 3 years ago and I haven't been able to retrace it since then, but I think about it a lot

Favorite line, in canon or otherwise: I've mentioned it at least once on this blog already. Real Victers Will Know It

Characters I love seeing them interact with: Heat, Kaz, Serph, and Angel. Heat especially bc they enable each other's syndromes. Shin just makes Kaz even more mentally ill.

Last thing before sleeping headcanons: He pores over his research in solitude for hours each night, which usually caps off his day. Sometimes he goes for a drink or the occasional smoke before turning in.

Sleeping habits headcanons: Dreamless, fitful sleeps. He can't recall the last time he's had a full rest. ~4 hours is both his norm and the minimum amount for him to appear functional through the day

First thing after waking up headcanons: He has a strict morning routine, one of the few consistencies in his day-to-day life. Nothing to really balk at, still

Favorite locations headcanon: He loathes being in the company of others, yet being left alone with his thoughts is sure to leave him in a foul mood. Can't have shit in Karma City </3

Thank you! [source]

[knotmagickstudios]

ADHD/Autism diagnosis as an adult, part 2

Part one with the background can be found here.

My GP arranged a referral to neuropsychology, and about a week later her office called with more info, and then emailed me a list of local providers. I didn't really know what to look for and didn't have the energy for research, so I just went down the list and made an appointment with the first office that a) picked up the phone b) was taking new clients and c) played nice with my insurance. It was about 5 offices I ended up calling altogether. I'm honestly shocked there were that many places, since there's only 1 office in Ohio that does adult assessments, and they really don't *like* doing adult assessments. They are really more set up to work with kids.

This is only one of the reasons why I didn't pursue a diagnosis in Ohio. The other is that some offices, in order to learn more about your childhood behavior, want to contact friends and family that have known you since you were very young. In my case, that wasn't an option. I'm no longer in contact with any non-family members who knew me before the age of 16, and as I mentioned last time, there's a lot of stigma in my family regarding mental illness and things like ADHD/Autism, so they would either refuse to talk to the doctor, or wouldn't give accurate responses.

Anyway, much to my surprise I only had to wait about 3 weeks to get an appointment. The office called and we made a total of 5 appointments. The first was blocked off for 2 hours for the initial assessment, and the 4 follow up visits would each be an hour. One session had to be in person.

Dr. B and I met over Zoom yesterday. He asked a lot of questions about a lot of different things. We started with the ADHD assessment, since that's what my GP wanted to look at because of my sleep issues. He asked what ADHD symptoms I thought I had, and I was honest: It wasn't on my radar as a possibility until recently. Most of my more ADHD traits have showed up in the past year, more as a result of my fatigue, just because it's so much harder for me to do or think anything when I'm tired. He asked about my energy levels as a kid, how they've changed as an adult, what my organization skills are like, how I manage (or don't manage) time, and things like that.

In the end, he said that if I have ADHD, it's a very mild case; I was a very active kid, but not in a disruptive way. According to him, he things the biggest problem I'm facing right now is low dopamine, but we're going to continue the assessments/follow ups.

We did talk about the possibility of medication, since low dopamine isn't really something that can be treated without it, especially because I'm so fatigued I can't be active. I stated that I don't want to start with a stimulant, at least right now, because of my sleep issues and the diagnostic processes. I want to leave that alone until I have more answers on what is going on physically. He agreed that this was the best move, and suggested two medications that are usually recommended for depression, and would piggyback off my current meds to hopefully raise my dopamine levels enough to where I have some energy and motivation back. But, we are holding off on any meds until appointment 3, when I see him in person. Appointment 2 will be the autism assessment, so once we finish that we'll have a better idea of where things are.

One thing I found funny was that my GP gave me side eye for 2 caffeinated drinks a day (chai latte in the morning and a Barq's rootbeer at lunch) because they are the only way I can stay alert enough to drive myself home from work and function as a human at the office.

Dr. B? "Well, if it's working, keep it up!" He also asked me if I crave carbs. I cackled. "Sir, I am of French descent. My wife will tell you I'll commit murder for good bread."

So now I basically have a prescription for lattes, baked goods, and chocolate, because they help raise my dopamine levels. And now I need "That's my emotional support latte" on a tee shirt. #unionstrong

I know my situation is pretty unique because I'm going through multiple diagnostic processes right now, but isn't every diagnosis unique to some extent? Everyone has some kind of extenuating circumstances, even if you don't realize it at first.

So that is basically where things stand right now. I have my autism assessment in a week, and I'm still waiting to hear back from rheumatology and endocrinology on when I can make appointments with them. As always, I am happy to answer any questions about this process, or my other conditions/diagnostic processes that I can.

[orphanlavinia]

All this anger was once love.

I read today somewhere on Facebook or someplace or another.

All this anger was once love.

My algorithms knows my soul.

Sylvia Plath, Alejandra pizarnik

But that’s the thing you see, im grieving.

I’m grieving the songs in the car and the laughter cuz my mom was dynamite and anything could set her into trying to get us into a wreck or start yelling and hitting me.

Laughter with my dad was always bullying, of her, of me, but f others.

It’s not something I looked back in a set of grays and its blurred lines.

When wasn’t it vile, when did it start. Thiis supposed to be a hate letter for you.

I hate this is going to take me a while and since I am autistic and shit let’s do tI chronologically

Day two at attempting to write a hate letter to my mother.

I remember my cousin Erika and you making shadows by my crib and laughing your asses off at my terror. Who does that?

I remember having insistent vaginal infections t. You told me It was because I was filthy, not because of your husband’s dirty hands. At best.

Allegedly.

I don’t know who holds those memories.

Not me. I just have the aftermath. But this is not for him. It’s for you.

After that I started talking about that little boy that lives in The shadows of my head.

For you that so many times left me screaming in pain telling me I was just wanting attention. Until other people told you it was serious enough you’d take me to a doctor. Polyps. Ulcers. Cysts. Amoebas. Helibacter. Pylori.Of what I remember. I had permanent damage. I deal with a lot of things in adulthood that could have been prevented. I was fucking 16.

Like that time my nanny left for the weekend and the princess couldn’t bother changing my diaper at a timely manner. Mind you I have gi issues since I was born.

Well I had the worse diaper rash and lived inside a bucket of water like for a week. I became phobic of water and food I think I was two or three.

She was sweet when she felt guilty, at least in-front of people she was a mother I could have wanted. Sometimes. I don’t think you had the maturity or emotional regulation to not start shit everywhere for everything.

My everyday in my childhood of what I remember doesn’t include you, it includes mamaly, Isabel, my father saying hi before his daily nap and the tv and the stupid amount of toys that embodied your guilt. You were an occasional nightmare, him too but this is for you. I had each and everyone of the Barbie’s there was tho.

You were always napping, I couldn’t make any noise or your anger would be titanic. I talked on the phone with Irene for hours.

I never got you, unless it was a social function or something you would have to do.

I’m supposed to give angel the two blisters I have of clonazepam. I don’t because I don’t want him to know how many I’ve taken already. (Spoiler: I did and he was amazing about it )

Remember? It’s what you got me hooked up on since god knows when because you hid meds and sedatives in my food. Or when you would give me cough syrup to sleep.

It’s day 3 of doing this shit.

My mother started me con clonazepam since I was 15 years old. I’m 37 and cannot be trusted with it. Such is trauma such is life.

I can’t be trusted with anything really because I just inhaled like six joints and not even noon

My mother you, whatever you used to hit me to slap me across the face in public places. Until I learned not to cry. You stopped when I got the guts to really hit you back.it was all very telenovela mexicana. You’d do it in private and I front of family members. Then you’d put cold water on my face.

This is day 4 of writing this.

I remember when you showed me poetry, songs, most of them too mature for me to understand. Which leads me to what in the fuck was I doing at 8 watching an Almodóvar movie mom???

You bragged about bringing me up wild, you neglected me. I’m glad cuz I am mostly not like you.

Day 5 of recounting sins?

Yes

I got raped, you called me whore. Your partner rapes me, you called me a whore and broke up with him for something else, me taking the phone as always.

You celebrated me being groomed, so proud of your 17 yo dating a 33yo.

That, the amebas, the illnesses, the screaming the crying. I was always alone. The being ignored. Abandoned in a huge house that wasnt empty.

I was always wanting attention right? You just wanted to be the main character. Until someone outside saw me and urged you to take me to the doctor.

You would so mad at me, I could tell everything by the way you put down your purse.

And it was usually bad, a huge cyst in my ovaries a bad heliobacter, terrible ibs, a very bad stomach infection, very bad gastritis, full of ulcers, terrible colitis.

And the. You’d feel so guilty and I would be so offended. You always had to be sicker than me and you would be somehow always.

And demand that I serve you, I’ve lost counts of the cutlets of chicken being thrown my way, two pots tho I think you were fine. We threw pots to each other and then laughed our asses off, you know like a normal functional family.

But still you seem to pretend to be sick and sicker than me if I was actually sick. I inherited your co diction but we don’t know exactly what is it it seems like some sort of eds and fibromyalgia.

Which brings me to my guilt. Living hurts. I’m so sorry.

But most of it I cannot conceive that you were not acting, you were so good, that’s why I am so good too.and also the sicker than me thing was always weird.

I suppose because Mamaly would go to take care of me and you wanted her attention.

Very on brand

I repeat

This anger, this rage, was once love

I am grieving, learning to be angry at you to hate you hurts as if I was killing you. Cuz the tragic thing is you abused me and let people abuse me in every way possible until i was broken and I miss YOU I want YOU to comfort me.

And even if you did it would be as always, it would feel overbearing or empty. Cuz like in OITNB as Nikki said, I miss you till I see you cuz then I remember I made a mother in my head and it’s definitely not you. It’s really not you, I wish it was you. But that mother I made it up does not exist.

I haven’t even finished the horrors of my childhood, that my problem now, it’s like a flood of literal shit drowning me. We went to McDonald’s usually after you did something to me so there goes that “good” memory ,

Eight cans of jack Daniel’s honey, many joints a box of Marlboro reds. I had a coffee too and I’m carrying the big bottle of water with me

I had rsl yesterday.

You hated taking me to get medical attention but put up an act of a worried mother for The doctors office, it weirded me out. I hated when you were fake. When we had to be fake. Then Three days later exactly mimic my symptoms and deny medical attention. But my grandma would come and I could not make noise and my nanny would do her traditional medicine on you. And when you got bored you got better.

This was always.

You put me on a diet at 7 and gave me diet pills at 13. When I told you I wasn’t eating you were so pleased. I was finally being pretty you’d say, now that I was older and well,, thin. But I felt it for the first time you were so proud of how pretty I was becoming.

It. Became the only thing I gave myself any credit for. Too many after you made me believe it was the only worthy thing of me.

This is day5 or 6

How am I supposed to know I am doing the equivalent of ayahuasca puke in a tumblr post.

It’s day 6, I went to check to make sure I’m not repeating myself much.

When I was a baby, a kid, you were cruel, manic,you mocked cutting your veins infront of me when I was like six telling me I was making you do it. I yelled for my father and you cut the crap. I guess I was a bit traumatized tho.

I remember I always got very anxious when it was Christmas time, I guess your family triggered you. But once we got ready, Mamaly was there and you were acting like a brat and I suppose I was too, we were trying to pose for a picture infront of the tree. You yanked me into the tree, I remember being drenched in blood because all the ornaments were glass. The tree was down and my grandma was the only one that tended to my wounds and changed me from my blood drained clothes. You acted offended and as if I deserved it. I don’t remember you speaking to me that night at all. Anyway, you were volitile. I probably got all the toys I wanted. That’s all I had, toys, books and tv and a friend. I suppose that’s how I survived and navigated all of that.

I’d change my name at functions and vacations, you thought it was quirky. I was a very quirky kid no matter what you did so yeah why not find one or two of those endearing.

I wanted to be someone else, ends up I needed to be someone else.

I said I’d do this chronologically, but who really remembers things that way? Is it like a syndrome?

I have some of those.

I’m trying to be funny, I’m quirky see?

If I am to rate things that sucked but like they were very meh in the suck escalé of whatever this relationship we had was. I’d say you never helped me with my homework or proyect so they always sucked, you scolded my bad grades regardless, you got me into so many therapies in preschool because schools had to tell you to do it or else u couldn’t be in that fancy preschool. I think that included abba therapy, idk, I don’t remember that, any of them really, just glimpses.

And again o e thing gets to another and I am very tired. At least I keep on writing.

But I’m endings this here cuz I don’t even

[cryptidsurveys]

Saturday, August 3rd, 2023.

(From Thursday's trip to the Mountain Park.) 1 - What have you been up to so far today? Is that a typical thing for you to do on this particular day of the week? I was at the animal shelter from 7am-11am. Then I came home, took a shower, had lunch while taking a survey, scrambled to do some catch-up housecleaning (cleaned the upstairs bathroom, wiped down the kitchen counters, cleaned out the microwave, swept, mopped the kitchen and hallway floors, and vacuumed the rug under the kitchen table as well as the carpet in the family room), and now I'm here, trying to fit in another quick survey before snack time. Oh, and no, it's not typical for me to be at the shelter on Saturdays, but due everything going on lately, I'm there from Fri-Tues with Wed and Thurs off.

2 - Did you get a decent night’s sleep last night? How many hours sleep do you consider a decent amount? It was fairly decent, but I was still pretty tired when I woke up. I felt better and more energized as the day progressed, though. I tend to need at least 7-8 hours of solid sleep in order to function. I can go maybe a night or two on less, but then my body will retaliate.

3 - What is one silly thing that really gets on your nerves? Lol, when my dad tries to talk to me when I have the water running or some other loud thing is going on (like the dishwasher is running, etc). It's not the fact that he's talking to me; it's the fact that I can't hear him, and he just will not raise his voice to be heard over whatever-it-is. I typically have to tell him to wait until I'm finished so I can actually hear him.

4 - Who was the last person you saw who wasn’t family? What did you guys end up doing together? Leslie and Iris (management at the animal shelter). They said goodbye to me as I was leaving and Leslie thanked me for rolling with all the recent changes. As I mentioned in the last survey, Alex and Cassie are leaving cattery (Alex at the end of August and Cassie in two weeks), which leaves just Diane in the mornings five days a week, Kristen who is a relatively new hire two full days a week, and me (3 full days + 2 half days). They've basically got at least two full time positions to fill and maybe one more to be truly well-staffed and comfortable. But yeah, Leslie said, "I hope you're staying…" and I was like, "Yeah, I'm gonna be around forever." There's the dysfunction you're born into and then there's the dysfunction you choose, and the animal shelter is definitely the dysfunction I've chosen. You couldn't chase me away from that place.

5 - Do you prefer hot or cold drinks overall? Cold.

6 - Do you own a decent set of waterproofs? If so, what do you use them for the most? If not, do you think that would be something you’d find useful? Waterproofs…? Like a parka or jacket or whatever…? I think I have something for backpacking, but I haven't used it for years.

7 - Do you have any plans for the rest of the day? Not really. Just catching up on some trash YouTube, kitty chores, and spending some time with my dad.

8 - How often do you get your hair cut? When hairdressers were closed due to COVID, did you try cutting it yourself at home? I give myself a buzz cut every 2-3 months. I was already cutting it myself prior to covid, so that wasn't an issue.

9 - What did you wear the last time you left the house? Is that different to what you’re wearing at the moment? Black pants, black t-shirt, blue animal shelter t-shirt. It is different to what I'm wearing now. I've got on dark blue sweatpants and another (surprise, surprise) long-sleeve animal shelter shirt. It says "Love is a rescue cat."

10 - Would you rather have a relaxing beach holiday or a more active holiday in the mountains? How about a relaxing holiday in the mountains? I just want to sit on a rock in the woods and be a lump for a while.

11 - Do you know how to tie a tie? No.

12 - How old were you when you first had a sleepover at someone’s house? Did you miss home? I'm not sure. Sometime in elementary school. I don't recall being bothered by homesickness too much.

13 - How often do you spend time with your extended family? Never.

14 - When you get up in the morning, do you have a set routine? Yeah. On animal shelter days (depending on the day + who gets there the earliest), I wake up somewhere around 5:30am-5:45am. Take a shower, brush my teeth, make my usual oatmeal concoction for breakfast, watch something on YouTube or read various comment sections, gather the rest of my things, pack a lunch if I'm staying all day, then sit and talk with my dad until it's time to leave, which is usually somewhere around 6:35am-6:45am.

15 - Do you remember the last time you cried? Were they sad or happy tears? Yeah. The Friday before last. They were sad, frustrated, lonely, defeated tears, but they were relatively short-lived. I try not to dwell on those moments and just keep pushing forward.

16 - What do you have planned once you finish this survey? Snack and catching up on some ALR BS, lmao.

17 - What was the last thing you cooked? Did you cook from scratch or just heat something up? I can't remember the last time I actually cooked something. I had a chicken salad for lunch earlier, though.

18 - Are you a fan of hot chocolate? Do you like it plain or do you prefer to add things like whipped cream or marshmallows? Yeah. I'm fine with it plain, but adding extra stuff is fun too.

19 - What caused your last injury? I don't recall my last injury. I don't think random bumps, bruises, and cat scratches count.

20 - How many tattoos and piercings do you have? Do any of them have an interesting story behind them? Several tattoos, two lip piercings. None of them have an interesting story.

21 - What kind of flowers do you like the best? When was the last time someone bought those for you? Cliche, I know, but probably roses or cherry blossoms. Also wildflowers, but no particular type. Just a blossoming field full of them. I don't remember the last time anyone bought…oh wait, never mind, I did receive a sunflower bouquet at the volunteer appreciation dinner back in April.

22 - What’s the smallest thing you’ve ended a relationship over? Idk.

23 - Would you rather order a starter (appetizer) or a dessert? Or would you be able to manage a full three courses? Dessert. I could probably manage three courses, but...ugh. I prefer to eat smaller meals throughout the day. Going out to eat throws that all off.

24 - How do you get most of your news, if you pay attention to it at all? Lol, my dad. If it wasn't for him, then I would consume almost no news at all.

25 - Have you or a member of your family been diagnosed with COVID yet? My dad and I both had covid back in Feb/March of 2023. As far as I know, my mom hasn't had it.

26 - Are you a vegetarian? If so, what persuaded you to stop eating meat? If not, is it something you’d ever consider? I'm not, and no, it's not something I would consider.

27 - Do you prefer rice or pasta? Probably rice, but I enjoy both.

28 - Is anything you’re wearing a gift? Who bought it for you? I guess the shirt was technically a gift. I got it at the volunteer dinner I mentioned above. I was going to buy it, but Leslie was like, just take it. :')

29 - What’s the dominant colour in the room you’re in at the moment? White, peach, and teal.

30 - Did you do laundry yet today? If not, do you need to do any before you go to bed? Yeah, I threw in a load earlier.

[babygirlaffirmations]

11-17-23

For the most part everything is accurate as far as to what happened on each day. But I've had a lot of cummies and sometimes my memory isn't great. Everything happened it's just some minor things on what day.

Tuesday: part written in a previous. Deepest little space. Need refresh on what to write here. Puyallup class. Talk with Akira where he admits to being sexist. Just wanted to try to build a community connection. Was gross. 26 cummies. First long drive where we really utilized that car time for cummies. Going to his class full of his cummies. I can't remember which day. I think this one. There was one scene that he suggested a pause. And used the brief pause to text his wife while I was naked and run down on his bed. I was pissed.

Wednesday: Work scheduled from 9-4. Get sent home early. Take food to go. Master's first experience at the bodega before it closes. Get sent off work at about 2:30. Patrick was mad I spent like 5 mins with Master in a booth. When it was dead. And I was supposed to go home early anyways. Get food to go. See bodega. Go back to the hotel and eat food next to him on the pet bed. I think this is the day we were at the end of the meal and he ended up walking out for a call. Right after I had just said being at his feet was my favorite place. Irony and a slap in the face. His class 6-9. Edmonds class. 40 cummies.

Thursday: Contract start. Empty class. Kitty play. Missed doctor's appointment. Snapdoodle. Bought a sticker. Bought my kitty play collar and tag.

Day starts with us having a 11:45 appointment for my doctor. We went up running late after sleeping in and breakfast pickup at Starbucks taking too long. Rescheduled for 1:15. Used the interim to go to snapdoodle and get toys. Got my fidget snake doodle. Got my crumble fidget, a tiny cow, and a gold bath bomb. Went to the appointment. Got medication refills put in. Got another appointment set with Dian. Set an appointment next month with a nutritionist. So I can see someone again about my Arfid and also work on my cholesterol lowering. Trying to add more fruit in. Decided to skip zoo to try to prioritize contract. That ended to not done early like we wanted. Instead went to pet store for kitty play collar and tag. Decided my kitty play name can be my sub name, Phedra. It's a cute pink collar with stones on it that look like pearls. And silver ones. And a jack skellington tag. Went and got some basic groceries and ate tendies. Traffic was awful and we ended up getting to his office like 7-10 mins late. I guess someone showed up and left cuz the building was locked. But everything happens for a reason. We ended up using 2.5 hours of down time there for a big combined paper pros and cons list. And then rough draft our contract. And use car ride to think of new habits to add to obedience app. We started a like 1.5 hour car ride talk about the realistic expectations of dating him. As far as his family needing access to him. Which interrupts a lot. Multiple times daily. And that often every 4-5 visits his family comes with him to Seattle and stays with him. Which means likely 2 or so skipped visits a year. I think realistically as much as it sucks it would help to at least get one date night in on those times. So we don't have a 2 month drought. I know I would be absolutely shattered and devastated to skip a visit. Knowing the prior visit that a month will be skipped may also help. If we could even get a small date and/or time for sexy time at all that visit it would help tremendously. The idea of being put on the back burner for a visit sounds so awful. Won't be the next visit since Master let me request it off already. But that's gonna break me into a million pieces. That whole interim will suck. That whole month will suck. And during that specific week I'm gonna be absolutely likely not able to function at all. Everything else seems miniscule to the idea of missing a whole visit when that's all we have in person. Really hoping he can work with his wife and family and minimize missed visits. It would be nice if we never had to do that... But unrealistic. But ideal. 😵‍💫 It would also be nice if they could talk and we could have one night that week where she watches the kids. But may have to settle for a couple hours instead of most of a week. Which is already a lot. But would prefer that over going 2 months without my amazing Master and owner. We need that physical. And our physical connection is so strong in so many ways. Our mostly long/short distance relationship needs the visits to keep thriving. Neither of us would be happy with an only long distance relationship. Or losing a big chunk of what in person time we do have. Anyways done harping on that. After our long talk. Filling out that pros and cons list and rough drafting the contract and listening to a chapter of Kushiel's dart together. After all that we got back to the hotel. And decided we had time and space for the kitty play scene we had planned and that I smartly purchased 2 hours of on obedience. Crawling. Playing with yarn. Master taunting me because I couldn't speak. (which I asked for) lots of meowing. Pet bed time. Being walked on a leash. Full nudity. Couldn't get plug to work because it hurt. **This is the fucking third time I've had to type this part of the night because Tumblr is a piece of shit and gave me an error twice. So I've had to move it over to Google note.

What I wrote. Two times. Is how I moved it into sexual contract and how it ended. I rubbed and nuzzled into his cock. And started sucking his cock. And he moved me over to the pet bed. And said he was going to breed me. I had meows of me being in heat. (also I totally forgot my secret talent of being able to purr until I was in the moment.) So he fucked and bred. Cumming in me. At one point stepping on my head. So hot. Moved me to the bed. Started using princess kisses while making eye contact. Fingers. I got to like 68-70. He checked in. And I was a greedy kitty and wanted more. Full of his seed. After so many cummies. He used his hitachi and sometimes fingers to bring me up to 101 cummies. We passed our record. He wrote all over me. And after had me guess what number we hit. And used my hands to write out 101. I was shocked. Our newest daily record. And 101 was the strongest orgasm of the night. And may be the strongest I've ever had with him. So hot. We snuggled. I suggested a light bath. He sat behind me in the tub. Moved me to the bed after he dried me off. Got me under the covers. He had to hold me up a lot of it for walking at that time. Including to help me pee after I had laid down. He when brought me back. Got me comfy under the covers again. Cuffed me. Started playing a nature channel. And I nodded off to watching pretty yellow bugs. And then we both fell asleep.

Friday (today): started off stressful. We had an amazing scene last night. That I'll write more about on the Thursday portion. Started the day off awful. Master woke up at 7 and had an hour long text conversation. And it kept me awake. I was on like 6.5 orgasms. Post 101 orgasms just from Thursday. Ended up crying in bed. Even after all that I straddled him and ended up sucking his cock after. And sat on top of him to ride him. And stuck his cock in me. And we got to 13 cummies before he made me get off and have us start the day. We had breakfast. He made me waffles and gave me a banana I ate half of. He made a breakfast sandwich for himself. And then we headed off to the zoo. Was amazing. Apparently Master is a big zoo buff. Made a pressed coin together. Got zoozoo the angry red finger panda. Rode the carousel at the end. That was my fav. Spent like an hour or over half the time at the farm area. Got a cute photo of me petting one of the cows by stepping up on the fence. Got one cow kissie. Got cute photos of us together. New ones finally. Finished the zoo. Went to the first hill campus early. Parked. Got IHOP. Cute vanilla date where we could just be a couple. Staring into his gorgeous eyes. Anand ended up texting. And we ended up all 3 finally meeting. Master and I agree he is too disappearing. No spark. Not interested in more. Or really able to provide aftercare. After that we looked around at that bookstore. The puppy was cute he brought though. Then we got snackies for this class at QFC. And water at whole foods. Spent a few mins in the car. And went up to his class. Briefly talked about my emotional struggle of the moment. And now we're here. Me typing this in his class of the night. Honestly was pleasantly surprised that he was super present the whole visit. I really loved that.

*Going to try to make time for finishing the contract and adding in talked about obedience habits to the app. Not trying. Prioritizing. And either anal or finally swallowing his cum for the first time. I want the anal. We haven't had a full successful anal yet. We had a failed attempt. And then a partially satisfying attempt. But not him being able to fuck my ass to the extreme with force and cum in my butt.

[rangerelik]

I posted 235 times in 2022

13 posts created (6%)

222 posts reblogged (94%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@gypsy-girl-08

@runnning-outof-time

@cillmequick

@look-at-the-soul

@zablife

I tagged 156 of my posts in 2022

Only 34% of my posts had no tags

#reblog - 142 posts

#cillian murphy x reader - 31 posts

#tommy shelby - 30 posts

#cillian murphy imagine - 30 posts

#peaky blinders - 18 posts

#cillian - 11 posts

#betrayal - 10 posts

#birmingham - 8 posts

#ask box - 8 posts

#tommy shelby x reader - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 32 characters

#k’s 2.5k holiday bingo challenge

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Sending love your way 💕 Take what you need and reply with your choice(s). Then pass it on to 5 more blogs!

🙌🏻 high five

😻 nose boop

🤗 hug

🍿snack

😘 forehead smooch

🕺silly dance

😂 laughter

Oh, K! Thank you! ❤️

Right now I need 🤗 hug, 😘 forehead smooch and a little 🍿snack.

1 note - Posted November 13, 2022

#4

Hi there!

Just dropping into say that I LOVE your new theme!!! 😍😍😍

Awww🥰, thank you!

I just needed to adjust my theme to my current obsession with Tommy Shelby and Peaky Blinders ❤️. Oh, how I love this show!

1 note - Posted November 12, 2022

#3

Hey El! 🥰

Can I ask 23, 31 and 48 for the weird asks?

Hi K, dear! 🥰

Thanks for the ask! And for my answers:

23. how do you feel about chilly weather?

Well, I just have two feelings. One, I want to hide myself with good book/tv show, drinking hot cocoa and being snugly wrapped in the most warm blanket I own. Or second, I want to be silly and enjoy being outside, probably catching snowflakes and just being happy.

31. what type of music keeps you grounded?

I would say any song from Skillet, you can find my two most favourite songs here and here.

48. when did you first try an alcohol beverage?

I don't know if I shoud say that out loud on the internet, but I was around 14 and my family is christian, so as I was babtised, I could go to the ceremony, where we are given piece of bread and a tiny cup of wine (don't know the English term for this thing) and my mom wanted to make me accustomed to the taste of wine before I would be given any.

Omg, this was really wierd but also really fun! The wierd asks can be found here.

2 notes - Posted November 13, 2022

#2

“17” Questions, 17 People

Thanks for tagging me @runnning-outof-time ❤️

Nickname: My classmates used to call me Milena (our chemistry teacher took wrong seating list which he had year before and there was one gir, caled Milena who had same last name as me), which I hated. On the other hand my friends call me El or Ela, hence my nickname here.

Sign: Saggitarius, I believe.

Height: 158 cm / 5’ 2.2’’

Last Thing I Googled: Height conversion (in original search in my language převod výšky) as I don’t know how to convert metric to imperial 😂😅.

Song Stuck in My Head: Someone you loved by Lewis Capaldi. I need it in my head for the story I am writing😅.

Number of Followers: 39 😅.

Amount of Sleep: A lot... Like 8 hours a night, because I need this much to just function...

Dream Job: Teacher, teaching history and english (maybe one day after I finish uni...).

Movie/Book that Summarizes You: I would say Sorcery of Thorns by Margaret Rogerson as the main character has really great relationship with magic books.

Favorite Song: Refuge or Anchor both by Skillet.

Favorite Instrument: My favourite instrument... Well, I would say piano, guitar, recorder/fipple flute and ukulele. I can play on most of them though least on piano.

Aesthetic: I don’t know... Maybe something spring like or autumn like...

Favorite Author: I can’t choose one. But if I must, I would say J.R.R. Tolkien or his friend C.S. Lewis.

Random Fun Fact: I don’t know 😅. Maybe I must always leave home with headphones and at least one or two books, even if I won’t have time to read them.

See the full post

4 notes - Posted December 9, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

"M sorry, dove, I can't go riding with ya today," Bonnie said apologetically as he helped groom the horses. "You know Mr. Shelby wants me in the ring as much as possible before the fight," he explained, knowing you were growing impatient with him. You stomped your heel in the dirt so hard, dust flew around you in a cloud and you stormed off dramatically. As you left you shouted over your shoulder, "Fine! If you like it there so much, you can sleep in the boxing ring tonight!" Bonnie dropped his head in his hand. Why did he have to marry a woman so much like his ma? Luckily, he knew how to fix it.

The rejection hurt you, so you went riding alone. You knew he would try and fix it after you came back home, but you still wanted to be alone right now.

„I know, Swen. I need to cool down and take some time to think.“

Swen, your favourite horse, shook his head in understanding, so you climbed into the saddle and rode off.

I will solve this later, was your last thought as you left the gate of your property.

(Thank you for this, I tried to write something, but this is all I could come up with.)

8 notes - Posted November 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[queenshelby]

ME AND THE DEVIL – PART ONE

Featuring: Tommy Shelby x Reader

Words: 3555

Warning: Smut, Abuse 

Notes: This is fiction and not historically accurate. It plays somewhere in the middle of Season 5, after Tommy met Oswald Mosley and became affiliated with him but before he planned to assassinate him.

Tag List: 

@lilymurphy03

@deefigs

@theflamecrystal 

@chrisevanshoeee

 @desperate-and-broken

@weepingstudentfishhorse

@severewobblerlightdragon

@captivatedbycillianmurphy

------

You were the oldest daughter of the chief of police in London and married to Oswald Mosley. The marriage between you and Oswald was arranged by your father who was supporting Mosley’s fascist movement.

Your husband was abusive and disrespectful towards you. You despised him and his fascist views. Luckily for you, he didn’t involve you in many political events. You were only obliged to attend functions with him where it benefitted him and his party.

You were aware that he was expanding his party but you didn’t involve yourself with politics, at least so it seemed. You knew that the fascist movement was dangerous and you hoped that, one day, your husband would pay for his sins.

You were not allowed to work, but you were allowed to volunteer at the local orphanage and soup kitchen. As the wife of Oswald Mosley, this was beneficial for his political campaign so he didn’t intervene. Little did he know that this was where you would meet one of his enemies.

Just so it happened that, on a Thursday evening when you were volunteering at the orphanage, you met a mysterious stranger.

Dressed in a comfortable but elegant dress, you unpacked several toys that were delivered from the Womens Association of Birmingham for the children at the orphanage.

The children were excited and you could barely keep up with their demand. Their excitement was overwhelming and their eyes lit up as they took the toys from your hands. It wasn’t often that they received brand new toys and you took joy simply in seeing their excitement. You wanted children of your own, but not with your husband. He wasn’t capable to be a good father and you were glad that, despite numerous attempts, you didn’t conceive.

After years, he told you that you were worthless, not being able to give him a child. But you were somewhat grateful for it. It also meant that he no longer bothered to force you to sleep with him, which never was pleasurable in any sort of way. You were pleased to learn that, after years of abuse, he found whores to be of more interest to him than you.

The work at the orphanage took you away from your miserable life. Working with children was pure joy for you and gave you the courage to inform on your husband to the communist partry. You did it for them, so that they can grow up in a world free from oppression. Your husband was the devil and you knew that very well.

Just as you went to get the last box of toys from the van, a man approached you from behind.

‘Please, let me help you with this’ the man said, taking the heavy box from your hands. He could see that you were struggling with its weight. After all, you were of small statue.

‘Thank you, Mr…’ you said in a way you would usually ask a question.

‘Shelby. Thomas Shelby’ the man said as he walked inside with you.

You showed him where to place the box so that you could unpack it as, all of a sudden, one of the nuns from the orphanage walked towards you from the hallway.

‘Please, Mr Shelby, you do not need to do this’ the nun said with a hasty voice.

‘But it’s my pleasure’ Tommy said as he opened the box and helped you unpack it.

‘Thank you’ you said with a shy smile as you couldn’t help it but stare into his bright blue eyes.

‘No thank you for the work you are doing here Y/N. It is admirable’ Tommy said with a warm smile.

‘I take joy in it’ you said before asking him how he knew your name.

Your question caused Tommy to point to your name tag.

You flushed immediately. Of course, he can read.

‘Very informal’ Tommy said as he observed that the name tag only had your first name on it.

‘Well, I like to be the children’s friend. I am not one of the mistresses or teachers here. I simply volunteer’ you said whilst, the truth was, you were embarrassed of who you were. Y/N Mosley, the wife of a fascist. Of course, you weren’t going to tell him that.

‘We need more kind hearted people like you in a world like this Y/N’ Tommy said as he unpacked the last toy from the box.

‘Please, you make me blush Mr Shelby’ you said shyly while looking up into his piercing blue eyes again.

He was much older than you, probably the same age as your husband, but he was incredibly attractive. Unlike your husband, he appeared kind hearted in his own way.

‘My apologies, it wasn’t my attention to make you uncomfortable’ Tommy said with a smile.

‘It’s quite alright Mr Shelby. Thank you again for helping with this’ you said as you were wondering why he was at the orphanage.

‘Tell me, why are you here? What is your business?’ you asked with curiosity.

‘I am having a meeting with Miss Walsh at 4 o’clock to discuss the funding of the new library for the orphanage. As you know, the orphanage has the facility on site. It’s unused and will need to be fenced. And of course, we will need books’ Tommy said. You could hear the passion in his voice for the project.

‘Are you funding it?’ you asked bluntly.

‘My late wife’s charity is. She cared deeply for children who were abandoned or lost their parents in the war’ Tommy explained.

‘She seemed like a wonderful woman and I am sorry for your loss Mr Shelby’ you said.

‘She was and thank you for your kind words Y/N’ Tommy said.

‘May I offer you a tea? Just while you wait for Miss Walsh?’ you asked.

Tommy agreed and you sat down in the reading room for 15 minutes before Miss Walsh arrived.

You enjoyed your conversation with Tommy. He seemed like a smart man, elegant, firm and yet kind hearted.

The conversations you had were mostly about the orphanage and plans for the education of the children. You loved to read and you liked the idea of a library. You shared ideas for fundraisers and it was evident to you that Tommy was intrigued by you. His eyes wandered everywhere, from your face, down to your hands, which is where he noticed your wedding ring.

‘You are married. Do you and your husband have children?’ Tommy asked.

‘No, we do not. How about you Mr Shelby?’ you asked.

‘A son and a daughter’ Tommy said.

‘Then you are lucky’ you responded just as Miss Walsh arrived.

You said goodbye to Tommy and, just as he was about to leave with Miss Walsh, he asked you whether you would be interested to help with the establishment of the library since you were familiar with literature.

You were surprised that a man like him would personally involve himself with a project like this. It was more common for rich men to simply provide the funds. But, he seemed to care for this particular project, so you agreed.

A few weeks after your encounter with Tommy, the books arrived and you volunteered to sort them and arrange the library for the children.

Tommy came by one afternoon to see how the project came along and offered you his assistance. But most of the time it was his sister Ada who attended the library to catalogue the books with you.

She was a kind woman, socially aware and most defiantly in favour of the communist movement.

Despite your numerous discussions about politics, Ada never thought to mention that her brother Tommy was a politician himself. In fact, she didn’t like to speak about him at all.

Another week later, you were surprised to see Tommy at the library at lunch time.

‘Good Afternoon Y/N’ Tommy said as he brought in another box of books.

‘Mr Shelby, I am surprised to see you’ you said. This was your third encounter with Tommy and you were pleased to see him. You were intrigued by him.

‘I thought you could use some help since my sister is busy with errands today’ Tommy said.

‘So, you came here to help me catalogue books?’ you said sheepishly.

‘Making appearances Y/N, that’s all’ he said as he began to unpack the books.

‘Thank you, Mr Shelby, but…’ you said and before you could continue, Tommy interrupted you.

‘Please, just call me Tommy’ he said as he handed you the books.

You climbed up the ladder to put them onto the higher shelves just as Tommy advised you that, the truth was, that he had meeting with Miss Walsh again but that he set aside some time for the library beforehand.

Tommy and you talked for a while as you shelved the books. You noticed his eyes gaze over you again on several occasions in particular when you stepped up the ladder. He was clearly looking at your ass, possibly even your underwear, but you didn’t mind.

Every time you came down from the ladder, he stood uncomfortably close to you, so close that you could smell the scent of his aftershave. It smelled like musk and he was clearly chewing mint, probably to hide the smell of the cigarettes.

He was handsome, very handsome and the look he gave you every time he handed you more books from the table was intense. A look of want and desire. Or were you imagining it?

Unfortunately, your encounter with him only lasted for about thirty minutes before he had to excuse himself in order to meet with Miss Walsh.

You said goodbye to Tommy with a warm smile and received a smile in return.

Just after he left, you went on with cataloguing the books. It was a slow process and you were the only volunteer on duty that day. Your husband approved. Doing community service was beneficial to his party and political goals. It shows that him and his family care for the community.

But you simply did it because you felt it was right and gave you a purpose.

You spent nearly every day at the library and almost all books were catalogued.

After another half an hour, you had one more box to shelf for the day. You were focused, your mind entirely with the books.

To your surprise, just as you stepped down from the ladder to grab more books for the top shelf, your face was just above Tommy’s face. You couldn’t believe that he was there. You never heard him come back.

‘How long have you been standing there?’ you asked as your foot touched the floor.

‘A few minutes, just enough to admire the view’ he said sheepishly and you weren’t sure whether to smack or kiss him.

But, before you could make up your mind, he leaned in and took the kiss he’s been desperate for since the moment you’ve met.

The kiss was gentle at first, brushing his lips against yours a couple of times, then locking them together in a haste, allowing your tongues to explore each other.

You had never been kissed this way before and gave into him completely.

Your mind told you to stop, to push him away. You didn’t know this man and if your husband was to find out, it would be detrimental for the both of you.

But in your heart, you wanted this so badly. This and so much more.

As your tongues played with each other, coyly at first, then like long-lost lovers, Tommy’s hands ran over your back all the way down to your ass.

His lips tasted sweet and his hands sent shivers through your body.

Without breaking the kiss, Tommy’s hands wandered beneath your skirt, gently and passionately.

‘Not here. The reading area’ you whispered just after you broke away from the kiss.

Tommy nodded just before he planted his mouth just above your clavicle.

While planting gentle kisses over you, Tommy navigated to one of the long desks in the reading area.

He was so gentle, a feeling that was unfamiliar to you. Despite the fact that you barely knew him, you somehow trusted him and wanted him.

Just as your back hit the desk, Tommy lifted you up to sit on it before gently pushing your legs apart.

He moved in between your legs while continuing to kiss you. His skilled fingers began unbuttoning your white blouse, revealing your lace bra.

No words were spoken as Tommy ran his index fingers down the inside of the straps of your bra, over the edges of the cups, then down your cleavage, all while gazing his eyes over your body.

He kept this tease up until you got impatient. Your breathing became heavy as he pulled the bra down, freeing your breasts. Your areolas were covered in goosebumps and your nipples were puffed up. The reading lamp lit all your curves in titillating contrast and you could that Tommy enjoyed what he was seeing.

Not ever had a man looked at you with such desire. You only ever been with one man, your husband, and this was new territory. You actually enjoyed yourself and were feeling guilty about it.

‘So beautiful’ Tommy whispered just before his lips kissed, licked and sucked their way to your stiff nubs on your breasts.

His hands cupped, squeezed and kneaded your smooth flesh and you moaned deeply and gripped the edge of the desk behind you.

Tommy flicked the tip of his tongue across your nipple before nibbling naughtily around it. Not ever had anyone paid such attention to your breasts and you started to feel something that was unfamiliar to you.

You could feel a tingling sensation build up in between your legs and your lace panties were getting wet.

Just as Tommy continued to stimulate your breasts, you gasped and threw your head back as his teeth ever-so-gently brushed up against your nubs again.

Tommy’s hands soon moved from your breasts down beneath your skirt, brushing over the inside of your thighs.

You pushed your legs together for a moment, unsure whether to give in or not.

You despised being touched there by your husband but this was actually enjoyable.

‘Do you want me to stop?’ Tommy asked, noticing your reluctance.

‘No, please don’t’ you said as you decided to let him proceed, opening your legs again.

You were slightly embarrassed by the wetness pooling in between your legs but, to your surprise, Tommy seemed pleased with it.

‘You are so wet Love’ he smirked as his fingers finally brushed over your panties just before he crashed his lips back onto yours.

You moaned into the kiss as his fingers pulled aside your panties and you could feel his finger tips roam over your entrance.

You tried hard to relax as Tommy’s fingers ran up and down your slit and started spread your juices.

He teased your entrance, just slipping in a single finger and only to his first knuckle.

This must be what foreplay was all about you thought as you kept giving in to your moans.

‘Tommy’ you moaned, desperate for more and, just like that, Tommy suddenly bit your neck gently while plunging his finger deep inside you.

Your moans turned to a gasp and a whimper as pleasure flooded your senses. You knew that Tommy had just left a hickey and, whilst you should be concerned, it just made you even wetter.

Tommy kept kissing and biting your neck as he added another finger inside of you and explored you with his fingers. The tip of his finger found many crevices but, unbeknownst to you, he was searching for your g-spot.

‘Fuck, oh god’ you screamed all of a sudden as Tommy’s fingers pressed upwards, earning you smirk from Tommy.

He had just found what he was looking for and, based on your reaction, it was evident to him that he was the first to have found your sweet spot.

Just as he relieved the pressure inside you, he pushed his fingers up again, and again, each time causing you to moan loudly.

‘Shh Love, one of the nuns might hear you’ Tommy whispered sheepishly just as he pulled his fingers out of you.

All these sensations were unfamiliar to you.

‘Please don’t stop’ you pleaded. It felt so good.

Tommy pulled you close for another kiss to shallow your moans before slipping his fingers back inside of you.

His fingers began to push against your g-spot again, running smooth circles and stimulating it just the right way. You were panting. It was ecstasy and you could feel an unfamiliar tension build up in your stomach.

‘I am going to make you come now Love. Try to be quiet’ Tommy said and you had literally no idea what he was talking about until, all of a sudden, he pushed into you with more force.

Your whimpers soon turned into shouts and you clenched onto Tommy’s arms firmly.

It wasn’t long until Tommy could feel your walls tighten around his two fingers.

‘Oh my god’ you moaned before you held your breath, not knowing what was happening to you as you felt your orgasm roll through your body.

‘That's it Love’ Tommy said satisfied as he continued to stimulate you.

You gasped as electricity shot up and down your spine while Tommy kissed you again to soften your screams.

He could hear footsteps approach and quickly withdrew his fingers.

‘Mr Shelby, is everything alright?’ one of the nuns asked loudly.

‘Yes, I am just helping with the books’ Tommy said with a grin on his face as he rearranged his pants to deal with his throbbing erection.

You were quick to button up your blouse before the nun approached.

‘I just thought I could hear a scream, that’s all’ the nun said.

‘Yes, that was me, I caught a splinter from the ladder and Mr Shelby just helped me get it out from my finger’ you said, your face still flushed and your hair messy.

‘Mr Shelby, if you do have a minute, Mr Connel would like to discuss the article in the paper for your campaign’ the nun said. ‘We thought that you had left but when I saw your car I hoped that I would find you here’ she added.

‘Of course’ Tommy said and, just like that he left.

‘It was nice to see you Y/N. Perhaps we meet again sometime soon’ he said with a grin as he followed the nun.

‘Likewise, Mr Shelby’ you responded.

You wanted to so much more but, since you almost got caught, it was probably for the better that you didn’t take this further.

You were hoping to see Tommy again but, for the next couple of weeks, he didn’t attend the orphanage.

You asked his sister Ada about him with some curiosity.

‘My brother is probably busy in Westminster. Although, who knows. I have given up on following politics. Why are you asking?’ Ada said.

‘Politics? Is Thomas a politician?’ you asked surprised and slightly concerned.

‘Yes, he is a member of parliament. Did you not know?’ Ada asked surprised.

‘I had no idea’ you said, wondering whether he knew your husband and whether you were nothing but a political stunt. Was this planned by an opponent? Did Tommy know who you were? Or was it a sheer mistake?

All these thoughts were wandering through your mind as Ada was talking to you and you didn’t listen to a single word she said.

‘Y/N? Are you alright?’ Ada asked.

‘Yes sorry, I am fine’ you said just before finishing up for the day. You had to make your way home soon before dinner.

You excused yourself and headed home. The thoughts however wouldn’t leave your head.

Your husband wasn’t home when you arrived. As usual, he was either with your sister or at the whorehouse.

You didn’t care much and enjoyed the nights on your own. You were no longer sharing a bedroom but you hated to cross his way when he was around. A black eye here and there or some bruises and scratches were the norm when he was there.

The next morning, Oswald walked through the door at around 8 o’clock, just in time for breakfast.

‘Did you buy yourself a dress for tonight?’ he asked after shouting at the maid. The coffee was too cold for his liking.

‘Oswald, please’ you said, trying to reason with him as the maid left rather upset.

‘Then you get the fucking coffee, wife!’ Oswald shouted and you got up, taking his cup and walking towards the kitchen.

‘There you go’ you said as you returned with a fresh cup from the kitchen.

‘See, that wasn’t that hard now, was it? Even my fucking wife could manage’ he said to the maid as he took a sip.

‘Now dear, did you get yourself a dress? Something outstanding for the gala?’ Oswald asked.

‘Of course. You will approve. It is very elegant and expensive’ you said.

‘Good. We need to make an impression. You will meet the new members of my party and, as you know, all politicians judge each other. There is no room for mistakes’ Oswald explained.

‘Of course, I understand. Now would you please excuse me. I will need to freshen up’ you said before Oswald waived you away

[helliontherapscallion]

Catching Up (Adrenaline Junkie Part 9)

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3     Part 4     Part 5     Part 6     Part 7     Part 8     Part 10     Part 11     Part 12     Part 13     Part 14     Part 15     Part 16     Part 17

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Warnings: swearing

Word count: 2,156         

“Did you kidnap a child?”

“I can ex- wait what? Of course I didn’t! Why would you think that?”

“Well, for starters, you just came home with a random kid! What were-”

“Dad. I didn’t kidnap anybody, especially Arthur,” you said exasperated. “It started when I was leaving the village.”

And so, you told your dad about how you met Arthur. Needless to say, he was furious. “(Y/n) (m/n) Minecraft, you yelled at a child? Not just a child, but an orphan that was so clearly in need of help?! I raised you better than that.”

“Dad, I know that yelling at kids is wrong. Just-just let me finish.”

He gave you a wicked side eye and nodded at you to continue. “So then he told me that he was alone. That he had no family. I couldn’t just leave him out there Dad. He would’ve been alone in the city. Hell, he’s been alone for god knows how long already” you ran a stressed hand through your already messy hair. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask you if he could crash here-”

“(Y/n).”

“-but he could’ve got hurt! The village’s dangerous at night-”

“(Y/n).”

“Do you know how many people get mugged there just in a day? God, I can’t imagine him getting hurt, he’s so young and-”

“(Y/n) (m/n) Minecraft.” Your hand froze in your hair. “...Yeah?”

“It was a good idea to bring him here. But there’s gotta be someone out there looking for him.”

“I really don’t think so Dad. You saw him when I brought him here, he looked like he didn’t get a proper bath in months! Even if he did have someone, I’d rather him be here instead of with the bastards that left him like that.”

He sighed. “You’re right. I remember when I found you when you were a baby. Your biological parents were awful, they ignored you. I found you on the porch, they must’ve left you there overnight. You were filthy and you were so small and fragile. I remember being so pissed that they treated you like that, but they never gave me their names.”

You squinted at him. “You’ve never told me that. You told me that you found me in an alleyway.”

“I didn’t want to tell you how I actually found you, it was never important for you to know.”

“What do you mean it’s not impor-” you stopped yourself. That’s not important right now. “We’re going to talk about this later. Right now, we need to talk about Arthur before he gets out of the shower.”

Glancing at the clock, you felt worry engulf your being. “Speaking of, he’s been in there a while, do you think he’s okay?” You felt your heart drop. “What if he slipped!” You stood up in a panic. Philza pulled you back onto the bed giving you a knowing look.

“He’s okay hun. Remember, he’s probably just enjoying the shower.”

You bounced your leg. “You’re right, you’re right… What’s with that look?”

“What look?”

“That look.”

“I just think-”

You heard a knock on your door and a small voice calling your name. Immediately jumping up and forgetting about the conversation, you opened your door. 

“Hey buddy, have a good shower?”

He yawned, rubbing at his eye with a closed fist. The pajamas he wore were slightly too big, but he would grow into them. His auburn hair that he came in the house with was now a brilliant copper color and you could now make out freckles dotting his pale cheeks.

“Mhm.”

You softly smiled at him and grabbed his hand leading him to Wilbur’s old room since it had the comfiest bed. You helped the small-statured boy into the large bed and he flopped down without pulling the covers over himself. You huffed in amusement, pulling the soft blankets out from under him and tucking him in.

You spoke in a calm voice, not wanting to disrupt the peace that engulfed the room. You gently brushed the hair out of his face. “Sleep well, Artie.”

As you stood up and turned to walk away, he grabbed the back of your shirt. Glancing back, you saw that he had his eyes groggily half-open and he stared at you blearily. “Stay?”

Oh, you couldn’t say no to that. Feeling your heart melt, you whispered “of course buddy.” You pulled up an old chair and sat next to the bedside holding his small hand in your larger one. He was out like a light. 

He was so small for his age. It was probably because of the malnutrition from being homeless, and that broke your heart. Your poor, poor baby.

…Wait.

Wait.

Your poor baby? What the fuck were you thinking? This child doesn’t even know you, you only met him earlier in the day. And yet, you already felt affectionate towards him. You wanted to protect him from danger. Why were you feeling like this?

You heard the door creak open and a small sliver of light streamed into the room. Philza poked his head through the small crack in the door. He smiled at you when he saw you sitting next to Arthur holding his hand as he slept. Reaching in an arm, he gestured for you to follow him before slipping out and closing the door.

Reluctantly, you slowly let go of the boy’s slender hand and quietly opened the nightstand drawer. You pulled out a pen and paper and wrote a quick note for him in the morning in your messy handwriting.

“Arthur, when you wake up, Philza and I’ll be downstairs making breakfast. Hope you like bacon and eggs : )

-(Y/n)”

You placed the paper on the nightstand where you hoped that Arthur would see when he woke up and quietly left the room. Philza leaning against the wall greeted you. He was smiling softly at you. He once again gestured for you to follow him downstairs.

Philza felt ecstatic that you were going to give him another grandson. Even if you would inevitably deny being a parental figure to Arthur, he knew that you were going to accept it sooner or later. He raised you, so he should know when you deeply care for someone. Arthur and you both shared a love for innovation and creativity, so he knew that you two would bond over that. He felt like soaring high in the sky. He was so happy that there’s going to be another addition to the family soon. 

He sat you down onto the couch and disappeared into the kitchen. A few moments later, he came back with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. Your favorite.

“Thanks.”

“Anytime hun.”

You both sat in a comfortable silence on the couch and stared into the crackling flame in the fireplace. The fire swirled with various reds, oranges, and yellows illuminating the living room. You closed your eyes for a brief moment, savoring the flavor of the chocolate and the smell of smoke with the fire popping in the background. You felt relaxed.

“So, how’s Tommy and Wilbur? Are they adjusting well to L’manberg?”

“Oh, they’re thriving. Wilbur’s a natural leader so he’s in his element and Tommy’s always exploring with Tubbo. They get into trouble sometimes, but they always come back in one piece, so I’m not worried about them. They’re having fun.”

“And you?”

“I set up my new workshop next to the capitol building. I think I’m gonna start selling some of the stuff I make, I think it’d make a decent profit.”

“I think that’s a great idea. Ya know that the people in the village are crazy about you, right?”

You groaned, dragging your hand down your face tiredly. “How could I not? I hate it.”

“Why would you hate it? They really admire your work, you should appreciate that.”

“Dad, I do appreciate that they admire my work, but do you remember how they treated me when I first went there after I lost my wing? They treated me like a fucking outcast. And now they’re acting like they actually know me and that they were always friends with me. I know everybody deserves a second chance, but I can’t help but feel like they’re on thin ice.” 

“People change hun. Maybe they realize that how they treated you was wrong and they want to make amends?”

“That’s the thing. They’re only treating me like this only because of my inventions. I can only tolerate it for so long. I don’t even know why they’re treating me like this, I’m not special. I’m just another person.”

“...You aren’t gonna let a few two-faced people ruin your vacation, right?”

“No.”

His cheeks slowly stretched into a smile. “Why? Who are you?”

“I’m (y/n)?”

“I said who. Are. You?”

You spoke up a little more confidently, but kept your voice down. “I’m (y/n) (m/n) Minecraft.”

He quietly laughed. “Damn right you are. You’re ‘(Y/n) Minecraft, Conqueror of the Unknown’. You’re (y/n) goddamn Minecraft and don’t you forget it.”

You chuckled. “You read that book? ‘(Y/n) Minecraft, Conqueror of the Unknown’ was a bit too dramatic for my taste.”

“Why wouldn’t I read something all about my precious little inventor?” He drug out with an overly sweet tone.

“Dad, I’m 20 years old. I’m not little anymore.”

He slung an arm across your shoulders and pulled you into his side. “I know, I know, but you’ll always be my child.”

You sighed and leaned into him. You haven’t spent any time with him since you left the house to help Wilbur and Tommy fight for independence, so this felt nice. “I missed you Dad.”

“Not a day goes by where I don’t miss you or your brothers. It’s way too quiet around here without you four.”

“Do you remember when Tommy put green dye in the shampoo to try and prank me?”

An almost silent laugh reverberated throughout his chest, sounding slightly muffled. “Of course I do. It took at least a few weeks to get it off my skin and a full month after that to get it out of my hair.”

“You should’ve seen his face when I walked into the kitchen in the morning,” you deepen your voice. “‘If you’re not in the shower, then who is?’ Aaaannd then you walked into the kitchen looking like you lost a fight with a witch.” You snorted. “You didn’t know why everyone was staring at you.”

He huffed. “You guys didn’t even tell me until after breakfast.”

“Have you seen yourself in the mornings? You’re literally so grumpy. We didn’t have a death wish.”

“Hey, I’m not that bad in the morning, Mx. I-can’t-function-without-eight-hours-of-sleep.”

“At least I’m fully awake in the morning.”

“Oh, wow, what a zinger,” he said in a monotone voice.

You reached up to playfully slap his arm. “Shuddup.”

You both quietly laughed before the room fell back into a comfortable silence. You took a deep breath. “Arthur knows about The Warden. What it did to me”

You felt him tense up and heard his heart start to beat a little faster. He moved his arm away and leaned back to look you in the eyes.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. He said that he knew what happened and he needed my help. He… he said that The Warden took someone important to him.”

“Was it his paren-”

“I don’t know. I’m going to talk to him about it tomorrow.”

“Do you want me to talk to him with you?”

“I don’t know if Arthur’s comfortable with that yet. I’m not even sure if he trusts me enough to tell me.”

You grabbed your’s and Philza’s empty mugs and took them to the kitchen. You ran your hands down your face. You felt very drained after everything that happened today. You weren’t used to so much human interaction, let alone people staring at you like you were some kind of deity when you weren’t. You leaned against the sink and closed your eyes. 

“(Y/n), I’m turning in for the night. Is there anything you need before I go to bed?”

“No, thank you Dad.”

“Alright, goodnight. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

You heard his retreating footsteps gradually fade out and the room was thick with silence yet again. The darkness in the room was cut by the moonlight streaming in through the window. Your mind was racing as you remembered that you were going to have to talk to Arthur about The Warden soon. 

You hadn’t talked about The Warden for years and now you were being forced into it. You didn’t think you were ready. You wanted to move on with your life, but The Warden was inevitable. It was everywhere around you. It won’t ever leave you alone, will it?

You didn’t think you were going to get much sleep tonight.

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