#social interaction is complicated

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

Advice Requested RE: Social Interaction & Group Obligations:

I rejoined choir after a fair bit of time off. I wasn't in the right headspace for it back in 2018/2019 so I left the season.

I stayed out during the height of COVID stuff (2020-2022) and then when I tried to join in 2023, I had two deaths in the family back to back within 6 months and it just didn't work out.

When I rejoined, I got an email from the conductor (on which they cc'd the head of the organization) basically calling me a flake and saying that they need more of a "commitment" from me. I reminded them that I had two sudden deaths in the family that affected my attendance the prior season, and I don't anticipate a third anytime soon (hopefully).

I got a lecture about attendance and how "any more than three absences will result in a conversation" which honestly rubbed me the wrong way right off the bat. This is an adult, voluntary choir. I pay dues to be there. What does it matter if I miss a few rehearsals? But I digress.

The week before last, the conductor moved someone between me and the woman I usually sit next to, who I feel like is becoming my friend. Here's why it doesn't make sense: I'm 5'8. The woman next to me is 6'0. The woman that got moved between us is 5'4.

As soon as this happened, everyone around us was basically like, "Oooh you know that was on purpose, to separate you guys!!"

And now I just don't want to go anymore. I feel like I'm being treated like an unruly middle schooler, I'm frustrated, I'm embarrassed, I'm upset, and I have just lost all motivation and desire to show up, let alone perform.

I didn't go last week, because I was just too emotionally overwrought from some other stuff going on and I was exhausted. The mere thought of going and having people make comments about how the conductor had to "separate us" threw me into an anxiety attack and I basically spiraled from zero to sixty in 2 seconds flat.

"Everyone there hates me and is making fun of me. She's not going to be my friend if there's no reason to talk to me, and if she's not right next to me there's no reason to talk to me. I don't know what I did, but clearly I did something wrong because now I'm being punished."

Etc. You get the idea.

And as an adult woman, I don't want to feel that way. It's silly and embarrassing and I don't fully know why that was my reaction, but choir night has once again rolled around and I am dreaded it and trying to find excuses to miss this week and the performance we're supposed to have next week.

I feel like at this point my options are drop (again) and prove to her that I *am* a colossal flake (which I am not typically) or go and be miserable and anxious every week for the next 3 months.

Anyone have any advice?

[trans-cuchulainn]

anxiety brain: what if we avoided this situation by moving house

me: i do not think that would help, because moving house is also stressful, but also, that is not a good way to cope with an anxiety inducing situation, you can't run away forever

anxiety brain: you're right, because then i'd have to explain to people that i was moving, and then they might ask where i was moving to, and then i'd have to find a polite way to tell them i didn't want to see them again, and that would be just as awkward as trying to withdraw from this unwanted social situation while still living here

me: ... no, this is even less helpful

anxiety brain: maybe if i think about this situation for an hour solid, i'll roleplay a version of it that's not awkward and then i'll know what to do

me: but we're not going to be in that situation anyway because we're not moving house to avoid our neighbour and—

anxiety brain: i made it even more stressful in my brain and now i'm freaking out about my fake situation :(

me: i told you this wouldn't help

anxiety brain: what if we left the country. then there would be no danger of accidentally crossing paths and we'd have an excuse not to answer the phone

me: NO

[skyward-floored]

I like going to the store along with my mom because she bestows shopping wisdom upon me and I like getting out of the house but also she could tell me and the really nice-looking worker were exchanging glances at each other from across the store and maybe I’ll just die now

[urwendii]

Idk if its petty to drop your support of someone when they clearly did it first. Like, sometimes i wonder if this is naive kindness or ingrained people-pleasing that i still keep being friendly to individuals who clearly have dropped me from their priority list. If you're not worth the other person's time, why should you offer them yours unconditionally.

[bowithoutadaemon]

Hmmm I am feeling conflicted about a thing.

Ok so my brother's mom's birthday was this week, I forgot to call because I was busy with activism stuff.

Now my dad told me yesterday that she's celebrating today and to call her so she'd invite me. I did but she didn't answer the phone. So I texted her instead. She read it but didn't answer.

Now, if I call again I kinda sorta feel pushy? Like if I didn't know she was celebrating today, I wouldn't be this pushy. So if I call now it wouldn't really be about saying happy birthday it would be about having her invite me.

So I feel like I need an additional reason to call or text again. But I got none.

[belethlegwen]

I have to say, one thing that impresses me a lot in your writing (having recently read through a whole bunch of it) is your ability towrite characters that aren't necessarily "bad" or "evil" people, but are frustrating, hung up on something, inconsiderate and/or acting pretty shitty. See Captain Grant in The Stranding, or Daphne's friends in The Faerie Spell. It makes your writing really enjoyable because the interpersonal complications your characters face are surprisingly relatable - the situations may be fantastical but the people they're dealing with feel like people you could meet, and be frustrated by, in real life.

Anyway, just sending my compliments about this! I've really enjoyed your work

Thank you SO MUCH for this compliment, because it hits me really... directly, every time, if that makes sense. If I'm writing a character that's heavily involved in the story, whether we ever get into their direct perspective or not narratively, I have to be in their perspective at least a little to justify what they're doing. These characters in some way or another all have to be people I can understand from SOME angle and to some deep degree.

You wind up in positions in real life all the time, even with people you care about and love, where they are acting not necessarily against you but in a way that upsets you because it's hard to see where they're coming from. Hell, even when you CAN see where they're coming from, technically, they will make a decision that is wildly different to one that you (or hell, maybe everyone else) would make.

It can be a fun exercise sometimes for me to put two people who do not think the same and are opposed on a few key points (Henry and Daniel~) and then give them the SAME GOAL and watch them still fucking fight about it. Both people screaming "we could be DONE THIS if you would just DO IT THE WAY I WOULD" and them being so fundamental opposed to the other way of doing it that they have to hack and slash at both options until there's some kind of compromise that gets them there.

Daphne's friends THINK they're being good! They think they're doing good shit and being good friends because in EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR MINDS they can think of all these horrible examples that they've either witnessed or heard of or lived through that they think would be worse. And they're not doing that! So they must be being good! They never think of Daphne's experiences and her needs, they just think "at least I'm not being worse, right?" and stop it there, and they all have their own knee-jerk reactions to being made to feel like they aren't being good, because if you aren't being good then you're being bad.

Anyway I could ramble basically nonsensically about this for days, but thank you so so much for the ask/comment! I appreciate it so much!

[ardate]

God I've truly been feeling so so so drained the last several days. Like a wet shirt and a deflated balloon and everything else you can picture to be wrinkly and flat

[floorpancakes]

even if i lost almost all love for my mom and its kinda of baffling how little she grasps at first watch for a seasoned english teacher explaining utena to my mom while slowly rewatching has been SO fun i love picking up on even more stuff and reviewing stuff i already knew from last time. and so far i haven't really bad anything that i couldn't explain, it feels like giving a guided tour of a museum or something 😭

its also very true that in most cases i like communal reactive viewing experiences. if it's appropriate to and it feels right i love talking in-between and during shows and movies , and having that dialogue especially if it's something long and layered yk?? its the sort of thing i wish i could do more with my friends, but even if i can usually only see my parents irl its nice to not experience media alone. until she pisses me off and starts blasting staged argument facebook videos with screaming children and then i go back to wanting to vacate the premises again lmao

[nerefee]

Family Christmas dinners are… something

[britneyshakespeare]

Another Thing Wrong With The Former Gifted Kid Discourse, Since I Can't Stop Thinking About It:

people have such an unhelpful tendency to universalize their own experience when talking about the plights and struggles about Gifted Kids™—and what they are talking about is not necessarily invalid, but they're more often talking about their individual responses to their particular schools' policies. This Is Not A Systemic Analysis. it's helpful; i sympathize with you. But You Are Not Dismantling The Inequities by saying this or that happened At Your School when you were a child, and it affected you this or that way because of Who You Are.

example. i always see people talking about neurodivergence in this conversation, which is actually helpful in spotlighting how the Gifted Kid discourse often glosses over such complex intersectional issues. you can talk about how you were Gifted & Neurodivergent and how those experiences lead you to future disappointment. this is, i must stress, valid. but your analysis of your own life Is Not A Systemic Analysis. your experience alone will never speak for how the educational system and trends in policy among schools across the united states affect ALL neurodivergent people negatively because there are neurodivergent people who are Different From You. not to mention that when people point out that very often "Gifted Kid" usually correlates with some degrees of privilege, people push back and go nooooo I'm neurodivergent. people across all other marginalized identities who are systemically disadvantaged by the educational system can be neurodivergent. this does not make you, initially, when you were as a young Kid determined to be Gifted, NOT also in fact privileged.

if you are not ready to discuss experiences that were different from your own growing up, you aren't really engaging in the discourse of how to improve public education in the united states. it's a diiii-verse country we live in. not only in the ways we traditionally think of. when we think of "marginalized" or "oppressed" people, some specific and historically significant groups come to mind. when it comes to advantages that set up a child for future educational success, these broad categories often leave gaps because they lead people to generalizations, and ultimately, fatalism.

but there's really so much hope in early childhood education if we were to make things more equitable, ie like i always say UNIVERSAL PRE-K. these kids who are determined as "gifted" more often than not were just from more enriched home environments that prepared them for learning how to read, write, and do math. it's often not special innate abilities that leads to differences in outcomes for different students, but That's How The Kids Interpret It When Some of Them Are Called "Gifted." they're more often than not, not doing something that's truly exceptional or precocious for their age. they're displaying signs of age-appropriate development, when often, the kids who may be lagging behind them skill-wise just Haven't Practiced Those Skills As Much.

so yes, that's why there's a correlation in things like upper- and middle-class white kids being seemingly more successful in school (and more commonly deemed "gifted") at a young age. it's from privilege. it's not even just the implicit biases of their educators already working in their favor for their race and class. it's the fact that being more privileged, generally, means their family and parents had all of their basic needs provided for. they had more time to read with you. they could buy more development-promoting toys. they probably had better mental health to cope with the demands of child-rearing. if they suffered chronic or sudden physical health issues, they were insured. privileged children are usually less exposed at a younger age to the harshnesses of this world, as every child should be. ALL of these little advantages build up, in terms of what a child can be provided with before they go to school. anything that's going wrong in a child's family system can negatively impact them without them even being old enough to understand it.

you may not think of yourself as Privileged. you might prefer to think of yourself as Gifted. Gifted is so nice, even if it's demoted to Former Gifted. at one point you were told you were superior and it felt really good. and You, reader, i do not know You. i'm not calling You privileged, even if you are! hell, everyone's privileged in some way. i am at the point in the post where for transparency's sake i think i should say I Could Be What Some People Call "Former Gifted". i was called smart as a kid and given special homework sometimes etc. i'm not calling any Former Gifted people stupid for not realizing this either. what i mean is that this kids Are Not Usually Actually Gifted. this is a compliment given overwhelmingly to children who were just simply not deprived. when people say they were once Gifted, they're more often than not saying I Had The Early Opportunities To Learn Everyone Should Have, But Doesn't. this doesn't make you an outlier. It Might Just Be A Sign of Privilege.

[wizardnuke]

what's funnier for a meet-ugly fic. if it's a meet-ugly from the start ("we first met each other in a holding cell") or if it starts cute ("my grocery bag tore open on the street and they helped me pick everything up, also I got their number") and then gets ugly ("I didn't call them because I was busy and five days later we met again, in a holding cell")

[estravenlover]

I was talking the other day with people about how English doesn’t have deferential verb forms and stuff like many other languages do but how in English we still have hierarchical ways of speaking to each other. Obviously race class and gender play huge rolls. Also this is not universal but I notice that at least for me and most women around me that we talk to men in an extremely deferential way that men seem to take absolutely no notice of. I think most men that I interact with have literally no idea women speak to them differently than we do to each other. Even when things are not dangerous, like the other day I was talking to a random man in the grocery store and he was insisting that the Barbie movie already came out, and I know that’s just like factually not true but after he told me I was wrong I immediately agreed with him and continued with the conversation. Like I wasn’t scared of him I had no actual belief he would have hurt me in public because I insisted that the Barbie movie was not actually out yet lol. It was just the first reaction I had to placate him and agree verbally even though I knew it wasn’t true. And obviously it didn’t really matter in that interaction but I do this in my professional life, I do it when talking to strangers, and I even do it when I’m with friends even though I try hard to stop doing it then. It’s my tone of voice, it’s the literal words I say, and it’s even the body language. And it’s not a new idea that women make themselves smaller around men, many other people have said it before and more elegantly but idk crazy to me that so many men in the world don’t know we do this? Like this was also sparked by me working on some internal stuff with men and some white women I work under where I was angry because they seemed to be so dismissive of all the work I put into offering them deference and respect in our interactions and my friend literally had to tell me that they didn’t actually know I was doing that. that’s just how they think I am all the time and how they expect me to talk to them. Which, obviously lol but it was kinda jarring to realize in the moment.

[lovecatsys]

I hate feeling like an inconvenience because I don't cave in to the societal pressure to use hearing aids as a hard of hearing person. I have no desire to use them, especially not for the needs of the hearing people around me.

[sexyleon]

I officially completely unplugged myself as much as I can 🙃🙃🙃 I’m way too reliant on my phone and waiting for people to talk to me is super unhealthy and has made me very anxious. I literally turned off ever single possible notification and will purposefully not be responding to messages because I just need time a space to figure out how to navigate myself without validation from others.

[shadowetienne]

Tagged by the wonderful @catboyjunhyung, thank you!

rules: tag 9 ppl you want to know better

last song: Lightsum "Alive"

last show: uhhhh, I don't do a lot of shows. If we are talking things with an actual plot, I watched Our Flag Means Death with my sister, spouse, one of my best friends, and said best friend's husband not that long after it came out. If we are good including variety shows in this, I did finish watching the entirety of that Hybe picnic show.

currently watching: again, I dont do a ton of show watching, I've been in the middle of a few Star Wars shows with the same crowd for a while? I'm enjoying Enhypen's So So Fun as it comes out on the variety front. My spouse and I have been ongoing watching Forged in Fire episodes working our way through extant episodes bit by bit.

currently reading: I am not in the middle of a book right now. Surgery recovery does not lend itself to attention span for me. I am utterly blanking on the last book I read, but I read a lot of YA, partially because it is relevant for what my students will be reading and partially because I like it.

current obsession: Kpop wise: OnlyOneOf solo progression and how it will play out, Seventeen always. Outside of that: figuring out how to make mooncakes that I can eat.

As always, tags from me are low pressure, do this if it seems fun! @iridescentspacewhale, @greenteaocean, @ginaeyo, @henlex, @kellyren92, @lesbianhanguangjunji, @professional-fangirl2187, @qaz-the-great, and anyone else who this seems interesting to (I tried to focus on newer mutuals and people who I'm seeing into new things), so especially if we are newer mutuals feel free to tag me in the thing.

[oceanxveiined]

          “–then we just need to carefully turn the dial here to expose the Pyro and Electro components to each other, and…!”

         Danae grimaced as the soft clicks registered, shaking out the slight tremor in her free hand.

         The last time she’d tried this, the whole thing had blown up in her face and caused a nasty slew of injuries she’d nearly been permanently blinded by. Which had only been avoided by a prompt trip to Durene, who upon healing her had elected to make Danae’s life utterly miserable for the next hour with the ensuing lecture. And considering she couldn’t even speak, that had been a feat in and of itself. She would have almost preferred getting verbal nagged than dealing with the extra impact Durene’s facial expression gave her signing.

         Almost.

        Now, one would think wanting to avoid such a thing would discourage Danae from trying again. If not wanting to avoid the scolding, then in not wanting to face agony and risk permanent injury should the healer not get to her soon enough this time. Most anyone would. But anyone who knew her well would also damn well know she only only ever took such things as a challenge rather than anything cautionary.

        She feared no monster nor god, so why should Durene be any different?

        That said, if she did happen to keep the device at a safer distance away from her face this go around, it was purely out of practicality.

        Still…hubris aside, having to go back to Durene for help if the reaction repeated ( especially if it resulted worse, considering the changes she'd made since then ), more so after specifically being told not to ever try this again still added a lot more pressure now. Especially since the woman would surely be so damn glad for the opportunity to gloat about how right she was. And having bear Durene’s all-too expressive face and stupid little name sign once she saw the thermal and electrical burns again would definitely make the matter all the more humiliating, too–

         “Oh…!”

         Danae’s eyes flashed open as an odd sensation suddenly thrummed ( Odd, odd, was it painful? No, that wasn’t it- ) through her body, concentrated at her hand where she held the device. Thrummed along her frayed nerves and burrowed deep into her sore muscles.

         Her lips parted in surprise as she swayed in place, brain trying to place just what it was she was percieving. Hand trembling in the wake of and direct contact to such a sensation, her grip on the device slackened a slight, even while the other tried to steady it. “Wh-what'n th–?”

          Luckily, a deft pair of hands managed to cup it beneath hers, preventing it from falling to the floor and shatter. Even while her hands had instinctively gripped the thing tighter–

          “Morcant?”

          The name and the growing uncomfortable buzz under Danae’s skin where they touched had her fully snapping out of her haze, jerking back and holding her device closer to her chest. Perhaps a bad idea, considering how volatile the last one had been and the particular composition of this one, but– “M'fine.”

          Da-Lun raised a brow but raised his hands placatingly and backed away all the same.  “I thought it yet another adverse reaction. Though different from the last, I didn’t want it to break, so–”

          “Well, you thought wrong,” she hissed, fingers moving the scratch at the still-tingling skin. “Wait for the damn thing to leave my hand before makin’ a grab for it. Got it? Or need I drill it into yer fucking skull?”

          The man huffed out a breath, but nodded curtly. “Understood.”

          “Good.” Even decently satisfied with his response, Danae still couldn’t help pressing her nails into the ebbing tingling on her skin to ease it. Though…huh, usually that feeling took longer to go away–

         “So what was it then?”

         Danae turned to glance over at Ozzy, the man idly tapping his pen against the parchment as he tilted his head. Wait, not idly.

         You look like an idiot, the pattern read, when he'd repeated it. Calm down.

         "Tch." Biting back an otherwise snarled retort, Danae rolled her eyes. And realized she’d been slumping against the work bench, straightening up immediately with a sharp jerk. Fuck, when had she lowered her guard like that–? “It–works.”

         “I know it does, sweetheart,” Ozzy remarked, an insufferable, amused grin at his lips. He gestured a slight with the pen. “I could see the tension leave your body an' you gasping instead a' howling in agony or gettin’ crispied like I was hopin’–"

          ”We made a bet on its success,“ Da-Lun explained, ”I, in your favor, of course," as if that made it any better–

           ”–so clearly it must work as intended. Or at least, to your insatiable standards.” Ozzy snickered, rather amused in spite ( or perhaps because ) of her glare as he added, “I was curious as t'just how much so had it. Since it got you of all people to relax like that.”

           Danae glanced down at the device–fuck, she was slumping again, curled around it too, what the hell– 

          “It doesn’t…!” She hesitated.

          “Tell us honestly, now, sweetheart,” Ozzy chided. He offered another stupid grin as he waved the pen. “If not for me, then for your results. You care about those, at least, don’t you?”

          Danae pursed her lips.

          …ah, she couldn't argue with that. Or him, as much as she'd want to. She had to ensure the necessary observations were recorded, after all. Embarrassing as her reaction was though–

          “It doesn’t make the pain go away completely,” she admitted, sighing as her favorite sound of scratches of quilltip on parchment began to fill the air. The sounds added to the otherwise quiet of the room, the hum of the device, the dimmer lights save the lamp at her bench behind her...oh, that was nice. So nice; she almost felt tempted to lean back and close her eyes to indulge in it all. Almost–

          “I can still feel it," she continued, drumming her tingling fingers on the iron casing. "S'no magic cure-all or anything, it’s just…compared to how I usually feel, it’s…it’s…” Dammit, how did she explain this- “It–I feel lighter? Nicer??? Like it...it–”

          “Makes the flare ups tolerable?” Da-Lun supplied gently.

          She narrowed her eyes a slight.

          No mocking. No teasing. Simply aiding her to find the right words. Huh...

          “Yeah...that.” She carefully moved to press the device against her hip, sliding it further along her bad leg. And promptly let out a soft sigh as she gingerly stretched the limb out. “Note, closer contact to the more sensitive areas provides a far more effective use of the…th'–” Fuck, wait, why’d she say that? That gave too much away, too much that was highly exploitable, if the odd look on Da-Lun's face was any indication–

          “Maiden’s Solace?” Ozzy offered, pausing to look up.

          Danae’s mouth opened and closed, once, twice, before her lips pressed into a fine line.

          He didn't go for mocking, either. Nor seem to have any apparent intents to take advantage of said fact, if his lack of reaction was any tell. Which was odd, because she would have figured he would keep more of an ear out for such things than Da-Lun. No, the only real problem she had with Ozzy piping up with his little suggestion now was–

          “M'not a maiden,” she remarked, wrinkling her nose. Even if, sure, it was made for one in mind, but she was the one who made it, so– “Brigand’s Solace?”

          Ozzy scoffed, chuckling as he pointed the pen accusingly. “Now you just stole my idea and made it sound more cool than it is, Morc.”

           “Oh, come up with a better one then! I dare you–”

           "Bettin' on what that I CAN, then–"

           “Everflame Lenity?” Da-Lun interjected, before their bickering could escalate. He nodded his head at the device. “Considering the Pyro component.”

           Stilling, Danae and Ozzy exchanged a glance.

           “That works well enough,” Danae decided, shrugging as Ozzy gave a noncommittal hum ( ’I like the contradiction,’ he might have muttered, she didn’t care to make sure right now ). “For this version, anyways. I might want to change the Pyro source further down the line.”

           “Already thinking of advances for it,” Da-Lun noted, with what sounded suspiciously like an amused laugh. “You really never change.”

           “Well, I can’t afford to just settle after a victory,” she told him, rather matter-of-factly. “‘specially not when I’ve finally gotten a real breakthrough with SOMETHING now.”

           “Cuz yer a shit inventor, sweetheart–”

           “Oz,” Da-Lun warned.

           Danae rolled her eyes, rather than dignify it with a response of her own. Though the fact that the–yeah, okay–Everflame Lenity helped keep her usually simmering temper at bay may have also contributed something. Sue her, she felt nice and relaxed right now, thank you very much. And ruining it to bite the bait Ozzy set out just wasn't worth the effort.

           But like hell would she explain THAT to them.

           Still…okay, yeah, this thing was definitely an immense help when the relief was closer to the worst of the pain. Especially pressed directly against her skin. It was enough to help bear with more than simply physical ailments, with the steady thrum soothing her usually hair-thin nerves enough to keep her calmer than she'd felt in a long time.

          Did that perhaps have an effect on why it felt so pleasant overall, too?

          Shit, were it any closer to her center, the ease it had in spreading the feeling to the rest of her body would definitely be inconvenient. It left her feeling too lax as it was; not focused enough nor willing to keep moving, like she ought to be. It made her want to take it easy, let her body rest. Left her feeling vulnerable, much too vulnerable-

          “What is it then? Th'Everflame seed’s really not good enough for you?” Ozzy asked, back to scribbling down his notes. “Picky, picky~ What’s the issue?”

          Yeah, better tell them any of that. They'd never let her live it down-

          “Well, it works sufficiently enough,” Danae explained, looking back down at the device. She ran her thumb along the dial slowly turning it back. Hesitating when the sensations dulled to mild discomfort began to swell again. “And it will supply an adequately continuous source of Pyro energy to resonate with the Electro Crystal; thus inducing the energy reaction that triggers the relaxant properties I wanted. That is exactly why I'd chosen it initially.”

          “So that’s how that works,” Ozzy muttered, more to himself than her. And being kind enough to mark the inscribed explanation over for ease in locating it at a later time. Which she would normally be worried about, him considered–

          “But?” Da-Lun urged.

          “But,” she amended, tone firm to ensure Ozzy heard, and heard it well– “The Everflame seed, like its source, can be…unstable.”

          Ozzy stopped writing. A flurry of thoughts seemed to cross his mind before he met her gaze, head tilting a slight.

          “So…it’s useless for dear Eliza, then?” he asked. Oddly calm, at that, she reckoned, with hardly a trace of his usual jesting. Enough to make even Da-Lun shift uneasily. Which in and of itself should have been a warning. Anyone else who really knew him well enough sure would have.

          Still, deliberately ignoring it and the little hint of something in his tone ( bitterness? Yeah, that was probably it– ), Danae shrugged. “Not entirely, I would think. But it’s better than nothing.” She paused then tilted her head, a mocking grin at her lips. “What? Scared to risk yer precious little ward, now? When she could FINALLY get her much-needed relief?”

          Ozzy bared his teeth in a laugh. "I just don’t recall clearing her to be one of your little test subjects, love.“

         ”She just needs to say yes,“ Danae retorted. ”I don’t think Eliza needs your permission to be a part of my little–"

          A spark of violet had her voice choking back–Da-Lun had suddenly moved to stand next to her before she could taunt Oz any further. Whether to shut her up or because he had a thought he’d impulsively acted on, she wasn’t quite sure. Probably the former. Especially since he knew how much she hated when he flash-stepped like that–

          “May I?” Da-Lun asked. He remained in place even at her glare, though kneeling immediately once she gave him a curt nod. He reached to handle the device–careful not to touch Danae in the process this time, thankfully.

          Surprise flickered across his features as his shifted his hold on it–ah, so even Da-Lun was taken aback by the odd sensation it gave off–and looked it over. Once, then a second glance-over, gingerly rolling it over across her leg a slight ( oh, that...felt a little better; making a note to write down the way he'd moved and placed it later- ) to ensure he didn’t touch anything more than the points he was holding it by and where it rested against her. 

           Danae shook off the slight daze the sensation brought on her, determinedly looking over at Ozzy, who begun to lean forwards. Staring so intently he didn’t notice the ink dripping off the pen tip splattering on his pants–

          ”Hm..."

          ”Report," Danae demanded immediately.

          “It looks to stable enough so long no truly jarring movements are made,” Da-Lun affirmed, pulling back. “Which unfortunately means Morcant here can’t bring it along in-battle–”

           “Oh, the horror,” she drawled, rolling her eyes. “Please, not dealing with agonizing flare ups while on duty. I’ve never experienced that before–”

           “–but it should be safe enough for Eliza to use for herself,” Da-Lun patiently finished. ”Since she is usually at rest and in tucked away in bed."

           “And surely I’ll just up and let you just test that on her?” Ozzy remarked, raising a brow.

           Recall exploitable connection, certainty and magnitude higher than original assumption, Danae's brain chimed in. Factor unpredictability, should be constant enough to use–seek gaining favor, ensuring no repercussions amid self-benefit–

           “I can tote it around while here at home base for awhile longer, if you want,” Danae offered. ”Just to be sure." Compromising as it was, but if it meant getting on his good side here-

          ”Mm, I do like the heightened chances of you getting blown to smithereens,“ Ozzy mused.

          Danae snorted. ”Ha–when boars fly maybe–"

          ”It could do some good in helping Morcant stay in a better mood during its trial run,“ Da-Lun wryly remarked. Gods dammit, there was the mocking she'd been hoping to avoid– “That would save us from plenty frustration. Or…why not try it yourself, Oz? For Eliza’s sake?”

           The man blinked then huffed, leaning back as he pointed at the other with the pen.

          “I like the pain I feel, thank you very much,” Ozzy drawled. “Makes me feel alive. S'like a badge of honor for all I've been through. What I've survived, an' all that shit–” Excuses-

          “And I pride myself in that badge of honor as much as you do,” Danae retorted, rolling her eyes. She carefully rolled the device a bit more over her skin. ”And feeling the relief I do from it right now is just downright weird, I’ll admit.“ She paused a moment to brace herself, then fully pulled the device away from her body in a swift motion. Curling her lip a little at the growing, gnawing want to put it right back into place– “But believe me, try this. Just this once. Or what? You scared?”

           Ozzy barked out a laugh. "Of one of your contraptions? Oh, very, sweetheart."

            "Aww, truly?" Danae goaded. "Stars, and here I thought there was no gamble you wouldn't take!"

            "Say I do, then," Ozzy chided, rolling his shoulders a bit. Ooh, had that annoyed him? That was a first- "I highly doubt it'd even work right–"

           ”And with any luck, he’d fumble it and it’d blow him halfway to Celestia,“ Da-Lun muttered, the corner of his lip twitching a slight at Danae's snicker. ”Spare us all his clownery.“

           Ozzy eyed him at that, eyes narrowing just a hint before holding his hand out for the device. "Oh, I'd like to see Celestia tryn'n handle me, Da."

           "You really think gods can't do what we have already?"

           "Nope."

           Danae scoffed a laugh then handed it off to Da-Lun, who passed it over to the man. Grimacing when Ozzy swiftly snatched it from his hands.

          Seriously, was he trying to make it explode?

          Especially since he'd immediately pushed against his belly, just under his ribs at his right side, the moment he'd gotten it. Which, recklessness aside, was already odd in and of itself, because Danae could have sworn his back ought to be where it goes. Pain relief considered, anyways.

           Huh. So his weakest physical point was closer that area then?

           A breathless sound in surprise had Danae's thoughts stuttering to a halt as she looked back over at the others.

           Ozzy’s jaw had dropped, eyes wide as he clutched the Lenity to his body. Pressing it a little tighter, even while Da-Lun had tsk’d and tried to ease his grip, tried to stop him from fully turning the dial.

           ”Good then?“ Danae asked, moving to hop back up onto her workbench. A hand moved to idly dig the heel of her hand at the joint of her hip, once, twice, pushing down towards base of her knee, then her lower leg as she glanced him over. ”Looks like it, if yer all dopey now. Stars, did I actually discover the means to finally sedate you?"

            Ozzy managed a chuckle. “Okay, so that…that really…!”

            Da-Lun stepped to scoop up the pen and parchment from where the man had discarded them, then moved back. Oh, good, he knew the priorities here, as always– “Yes?”

           “Morc, when you said resonate, you really…!” Ozzy let out a soft exhale, gesturing a slight to Da-Lun with his head, "C'mere, Da," then promptly pressed against the other for support once he drew close enough. No sooner, Ozzy's eyes fluttered shut, a content little hum rising in his throat.

           He lay still a moment, two, before adding to his recount, “Feels lovely. Like a gentle...buzz? No, a hum, all through me." He waited a moment for Da-Lun to catch up, then added, "S'very soothing. Like…like a song–”

            “Like Sister Barbara’s healing song?” Danae teased, shifting a slight as she eyed the Lenity. Stars above, the fact that she still wanted it back was a bad sign weak, weak-

            “Oh, no–no, I don’t like that.” Ozzy’s eyes scrunched up a bit in distaste. "Th'shit gives me headaches just hearin' it from afar. I fear I'd burst into flames if she tried usin' it on me."

            Pen scratches stuttered as Da-Lun stared at him incredulously. "She–she has a Hydro Vision–"

           ”Y'know what I mean, Da."

           "No, I don't–"

           In spite of the resulting laugh, Danae sucked in a soft breath while the two were distracted in their bickering, easing to edge forwards.

           It was subtle, but now that she was a little closer, Danae noticed the usual slight furrow of Ozzy’s brow was gone, his jaw fully relaxed. Even his breathing seemed to be a little easier, too, with only slight hitches compared to the more pronounced rattle from before. A little quicker too, as though he were no longer carefully measuring each breath. His body didn't twitch and shudder as much either, no tension from how guarded and wound up he usually was; like a crossbow pulled taut and ready to fire at any moment.

          Stars, it was no wonder the man started sounding like he had his tongue made of lead now. And from the looks of it, whatever he felt on the daily must be a nightmare to deal with, if even this modicum of relief worked for him. More than the aches and discomfort she did, for sure. Unless...he was just playing it all up to snuggle up to Da-Lun. She really wouldn't put it past him to–

          ”Still wanna hold off on it for Eliza?“ Da-Lun asked softly.

          Ozzy hummed, eyes blinking open. “I still doubt it’s safe enough,” he mumbled, smoothly lifting it for Da-Lun to take. Rather unflinchingly, too- ”Especially with her…ah, clumsiness?“

          ”Ooh, don’t let her hear that. You know how sensitive she is about it."

          ”Morc–"

          “Mako and Jade can help stay and manage it,” Da-Lun suggested, carefully taking it in hand then reaching for the cloth Danae held out. Awkwardly at that, as Ozzy still leaned heavily against him even with the thing gone. Well, he did have to readjust to not having it...that made two who did. What a massive downside- “We all could, in shifts.”

          Shaking her head to dash further thoughts,Danae wrinkled her nose. ”All of us–?"

          “Ugh, but then I’d have to increase your salaries to account for the extra hours you’d put in,” Ozzy groaned, throwing an arm over his eyes. “Then where does that leave me? Broke. Ruined–”

          “Mako and Durene would be more than happy to do it for free,” Danae pointed out, rolling her eyes. “Mako–here, Da, put it in this–loves making himself useful, spoiled brat as he is. And he adores Eliza, something about those Fontaine folk–”

         “And Durene?” Ozzy asked, tipping his head back in thought as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. ”What's her stake?“

          Danae blinked. She glanced over at Da-Lun then back to Ozzy. “You…can’t be serious.”

         “Dead, in fact,” Ozzy answered, eyeing her back out the corner of his eye. “What?”

         ”Well, I’ll be,“ Danae marveled, nudging Da-Lun's hip with her good leg as best she could reach. Ignoring Ozzy's groan in protest- "You hearin' this?"

          “I genuinely think he doesn't know,” Da-Lun remarked, disbelief clear in his tone. “Ozzy doesn't know.”

          “Dunno what?”

          “That is such an exploitable weakness.” Danae damn near felt amused enough to burst out in laughter. “So exploitable, I’ve been–Oz...!”

          "What?" The man sat up fast, almost childishly petulant in his demand, “What? Tell me!”

          “Durene and Eliza…"  Da-Lun emphasized. Gesturing a little for emphasis.

          Ozzy’s brow furrowed a slight, the gears slowly turning in his brain, then his eyes flashed open. ”Oh."

         ”Oh,“ Danae mocked.

         ”Oh, indeed,“ Da-Lun muttered. ”Now, Oz, don’t–”

         “What a fucking nightmare,” Ozzy choked out, horror blooming across his features as he clutched his chest. “My Eliza and Durene…!”

          “Oz–”

          ”Oh, stars, the unethics of a healer-patient relationship!“ Ozzy clapped his palm against his forehead. ”Durene’s been compromised!"

          Danae faceplamed as Da-Lun sputtered and clapped a hand over his mouth. What was he trying to stifle there– ”That’s what you’re worried about?“

          “My healer’s making goo-goo eyes at someone in her care,” Ozzy scoffed, feigned offense across his features. “Distracted, from her duties no doubt. Are you not worried?”

          ”I th-think it’s more of a benefit to you and Eliza that she is,“ Da-Lun managed. Clearing his throat and straightening up promptly at the odd look Danae threw him.

          ”Benefit to me?“ Ozzy laughed. ”Oh, no, you should see how she gets when I keep courtin' dear Eliza–oh...that explains a lot of her enmity to me now–, but, no, no, her feelings for Eliza are not a benefit to me–"

           ”But,” Danae pointedly suggested, “she can willingly watch over Eliza’s progress with the Everflame Lenity once she sees how much it’d help her.”

           Ozzy blinked. ”Oh. Yeah, that. She’d love that.“ Seriously–

           ”Then it’s Eliza’s,“ Danae decided. ”We could have her–or, maybe Durene–report more on it and how effective it is for her. For now. As for the rest of us–"

            ”Any solid ideas for a more stable Pyro source?” Ozzy interrupted. And normally Danae would snap at him for it. However…

           She rubbed the back of her neck. “Uh…haa, that–” She shifted under his stare. Alright, calculate the immediate outrage ( wait, why was she so worried? She didn't care ), bracing briefly ( oh, right, because they were more annoying than the others when they got worked up ), plunging the wound into saltwater– “A Smoldering Pearl should...work–?”

           “Archons, Morcant–”

           “Of fucking course you’d ask for that–”

           “Mako’s working on getting us into Inazuma as is!” she snapped defensively. “And I’ve been there before–”

           “Under Fatui diplomatic immunity,” Da-Lun scoffed, rolling his eyes.

           “How do you expect us to get off Ritou even then, hm?” Ozzy chimed in.

           “–so I know exactly where to go from there and what to do,” she stubbornly continued. “I can get us some disguises and use that Fatui Diplomacy to our favor if we really need all that, then a team of four can easily get in, get what we need, then get out. Simple!”

           “And you have your crack team all in mind, I’m sure?” Ozzy asked, crossing his arms. Genuinely, mockingly, probably both, knowing him–

           Still, Danae was undeterred as she just her chin out. Because, “As a matter of fact I do.” Mostly cobbled together from obsessive research she’d done on the needed source, sure, and perhaps all strictly hypothetical in its effectiveness, but– “One, I would be a key asset to this, since it’s a Pyro-based lifeform."

          "Obviously," Ozzy drawled.

          Danae huffed. "Then I would want you an' Da, as well as–”

         “The only other alternatives we have to fight it are Durene who possesses a Dendro Vision,” Da-Lun protested, “Jade who would be absolutely useless to us with Pyro abilties herself, and–”

           “Tua would be perfectly effective in providing ample distraction while the rest of us get to work and get it done!” Danae finished stubbornly. “Not to mention his Vision’s Geo reactions can get us shields while he's at it." Da-Lun’s mouth opened to protest again, her swiftly moving to cut him off in adding, ”I think that works just fine since I could help us finish it up promptly.“ Ignoring Ozzy’s snort- ”What, would you rather we ask some outsider for help? Da?”

           Da-Lun clicked his tongue. “I would prefer we don’t go through the trouble at all!”

           “Because you’re a damn coward!” Danae snapped, simmering temper at last igniting. Adamantly staying right in place to meet his glare, even as he suddenly flickered to stand towering over her again. Perhaps having instinctively made a grab for her screwdriver when he did- "This isn't anythin' new fer me. Fer us. We've been and always have–"

           “We aren’t just risking two people like back then, Morcant,” he snarled back. “And even with the lot of us working in tandem now, you know damn well THAT thing is entirely different than a Pyro Regisvine. What you’re doing now is just insa–”

          “We aren’t 'risking' enough! " Danae spat, slamming her free hand down. "And if you can’t see that, you gods-damned, half-breed beast, you oughta–!”

          A shrill whistle had both Danae and Da-Lun flinching, turning to glare at Ozzy.

         “Honestly, utter children, the lot of you,” he huffed, lowering his fingers from his mouth. Shaking his head, he met Danae's gaze. “Tell me, the Pearl will make it safer for Eliza? For certain?”

          “Yes.” Danae huffed, crossing her arms. Both to press them against the gnawing sensation at her gut and in gesture. “It’s much more stable and has a more constant flow of Pyro energy. Likely will last longer, too.” She shot Da-Lun a proud look at Ozzy’s appraising hum. “And if we’re able to get more than one, not only is it extra insurance, but I could also tamper with them and see if it could help us not be so caught by the relief of the Lenity. See if we could possibly be able to control the intensity of the feeling a lot easier. Y'know?”

          Da-Lun raised a brow. “You’re fully sure of it?”

          “It’s…an estimation,” Danae grudgingly admitted. “On that latter bit, anyway. But, for certain, the Lenity would be safer for Eliza to use with it. And for far longer periods of time, without much–if at all–risk of the continuous exposure to Electro causing a terrible reaction. Especially compared to the Everflame seed.”

          “Hn…” Ozzy nodded slowly. “I like that. We’ll draft plans for it come morn, then. In the meantime–” He reached to tap the box the device now rested in. “You let Durene know what to do, Da. She likes you best.”

          “She thinks I’m the only one of us with sense,” Da-Lun corrected, snorting. “And after all that transpired now? I am fully inclined to agree.” Still, he made his way to the door without further protest. Pausing, he looked back.

          “I’ll stay with them on the first night trial run, as well,” he told them. “For the notes. And extra security.”

          “You’re the best, Da,” Danae called to him. Grinning completely unfazed at his withering glare.

          “Not bad for a gods-damned, half-breed beast, right?” Da-Lun drawled, before turning and heading off. Slamming the door on his way out.

          Ozzy's gaze lingered there until the sound footsteps retreated, then gave Danae a sidelong glance. “Oof, I think you really hurt him with that one, Morc.”

         “Ah, he’ll get over it,” she muttered, waving her hand dismissively as she hopped down and turned to start clearing her workbench.

         “Y'know, his kind don’t take so kindly to insults,” Ozzy chided, coming up behind her to take the box she held up. "They seem rather the smite-y sort, if y'know what I mean."

          As he moved to set it on the shelf behind them, Danae snorted.

         “Aw, what’s he gonna do? Cry to Rex Lapis about it?” She rolled her eyes. “I’d like to see that old fossil drag his ass on over here'n try anything. Oh wait, he can't. An' not like the others could do any better-” Shutting the toolkit, shuffling to straighten then setting her notes to the side, thank fuck they were actually well-done–

         She paused.

          Wait, why didn’t Ozzy laugh at that one? He usually liked her prideful little commentary–

         “You better hope that doohickey of yers doesn’t hurt her.”

         Danae rolled her eyes at the genuine seriousness in his voice. “Really? Open vulnerability in front of me, Oz?" Fingers drummed against the tabletop. "How bad did the thing get you, genuinely–”

          “I mean it, Mare.”

          She stilled, exhaling slowly. Alright, so…no joking around. Whatsoever.

          A breath, two, then Danae turned around, leaning back on the desk. “We, of all people, know Da is the best person to protect her if it risks that.” She puffed her chest out. "Plus it's one of my works, Oz. I wouldn't hand it out for use unless I was certain it would work. One-hundred percent."

          "Mm, true." Ozzy hummed, leaning in. Not to cage her like she'd anticipated, but to scoop up the toolkit, before pulling back to kneel and store it away. He glanced up at her. "Just I'm clear–we’re agreed. Yes?" A hand reached out. "That we can’t go near that thing again, I mean.”

           Danae eyed him curiously, then sighed and held out a hand to help him to standing. "Hn." Even if awkwardly, considering he towered a near foot over her- "S'not good for folks like us."

           It felt safe. Too safe. Damn near a trap of her own making, undoing forged by her own hands. An illusion of something just waiting to be shattered. One that most certainly would be. Something that'd definitely leave them at risk of being shattered themselves, especially in Ozzy's case, where the pain seemed to ramp up harshly once it was taken away–

           "Right, agreed, then," Ozzy said, gripping her shoulders uncomfortably tight as he pushed to stand back up straight. "Glad you fed Da that bullshit of us wanting one of our own, too. Absolutely brilliant, he won't nag us to–ah, ah, don't you get all smug on me now."

           He released his hold, moving to smooth the wrinkles from his clothes. Pausing to eye the ink stain on his pants, before adding, "So, we’ll never speak of this again, nor risk messing with that ever. 'nless absolutely necessary."

           "I can power through pain just fine, Oz," Danae huffed, crossing her arms as she rolled her shoulders. "Have for years now, same as you. M'not Jade, for that matter."

           Ozzy laughed, moving to bump her cheek with his knuckles. "But I still don’t want you compromised, Morc." A pause, baring his teeth in a grin. "It’d look bad on us if you collapse mid-mission or show weakness again, y'know."

           A harsh flush rose in Danae's face as smacked his hand away, baring her teeth and snarling, "That was one time, Oz. Let it go. I told you, it won't happen again–"

          "We never know." Unfazed, Ozzy shrugged and moved to see himself out. "Keep pushing yourself like that, sweetheart, it might just happen. Not that you've ever been a good listener–"

            "I don't wanna hear that from the man who keeps using a Delusion against his healer's orders," she snarked. "Damn hypocrite."

            "Ooh, perhaps." Hand on the knob, Ozzy paused and turned back. "Keep working on that, for me, yeah? And for your trouble today–"

            He reached to rummage in his pocket, tossing her a small item.

            Swiftly snatching it from the air, Danae glanced at her palm. Brows furrowing a slight as she held it up.

            "A key?" she scoffed, raising a brow. "That's my reward?" 

            "Da and I got our hands on an Abyss Mage," Ozzy explained, looking rather proud at her now startled disbelief. "Pyro, mind you. Tua's keeping them company now as we speak, keeping them nice and weak for you."

            "You brought one for me?" Danae's grip on the key grew taut as her eagerness grew, the metal biting into the soft meat of her palm. "Here?"

           "A rather tricky feat to manage, mind you," Ozzy remarked. "But I knew you would earn it. In spite of all your hopeless little setbacks–"

            "Oz!"

           Pearl-white teeth flashed as he laughed. "Have fun with them, sweetheart. I might just join you t'get in on the fun." He opened the door and slipped out, casting one last look inside, "And good work, Morc. You did well," before the door shut behind him.

            Danae let out a soft breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding. Slumping a slight against the desk now that the others had gone.

            The praise churned in her gut, bubbling like air beneath the frothing ocean waves. But more than that, far more importantly than that, what gripped her the most now was the utter eagerness that thrummed in her veins at the thought of seeing their little prisoner now. In being able to carve information out of it herself, wringing every last bit of information it possibly had to offer. And if it didn't cooperate? She'd make every last moment the most miserable of its wretched existence, out of spite, in a bit of fun and stress-relief–fuck, after today's success, this was the cherry atop the sundae!

            And if all went well, maybe she'll even indulge in one in the capitol, too. Maybe catch that little girl with the Valberries along the way and get some of those as well, stars, that would be a delight!

            With that thought, Danae grinned as she tossed then caught the key, and rushed out the door.