#my anxiety is out of the roof and I constantly feel like I’m having heart palpitations

[sexyleon]

I officially completely unplugged myself as much as I can 🙃🙃🙃 I’m way too reliant on my phone and waiting for people to talk to me is super unhealthy and has made me very anxious. I literally turned off ever single possible notification and will purposefully not be responding to messages because I just need time a space to figure out how to navigate myself without validation from others.

[harry-styles-obsessed]

Separation anxiety

Synopsis: Harry and readers son has always been attached to Harry and always being anxious when he’s not around but one evening the anxiety flies through the roof and Harry’s immediately there to comfort his son. Most things don’t work but Harry has the perfect remedy up his sleeve…

©️ please do not copy or translate my work.

Pairings: daddy! Harry x reader

“Ethan go to sleep,” you called up the stairs hearing your five year old son shouting for you. “But mummy!” “Ethan go to sleep.” “Can I tell you something mummy?!” A soft sigh left your lips and you closed your eyes “go to sleep Ethan otherwise I’ll come up there and put bedtime music on instead!” Harry soon called, backing you up and instantly making the boy fall silent. It was always difficult to put him to sleep, especially at 7 pm, he just didn’t like going to sleep, always and constantly making up reasons as to why he can stay awake. But you and your husband Harry have to always be firm with him. It takes its time but it works.

Harry exhaled beside you, running his fingers through his hair before he looked at you “anything we doing tomorrow?” He asked, voice slightly husky from how tired he was his hair a beautiful mess and his green eyes darker than usual yet still filled with nothing but the utmost love. “Don’t think so,” you shook your head slightly before Harry jumped up dropping his phone onto the couch allowing you to get a look at his phone which was on the ring camera showing the delivery driver waiting outside. You had both had hectic days and most definitely didn’t feel like making dinner. Harry quickly rushed to the door pulling the door open and smiling at the man “thank you so much,” he took the food from him, the keys jingling in the door quite loudly sending pure anxiousness through poor little Ethan

“Daddy!!” The boy yelled at the top of his lungs “daddy don’t leave me!” You felt your heart sink into the pit of your stomach, Ethan always had anxiety about you or Harry leaving him… it was horrible.. him believing that you’d up and leave him to fend for himself. No way. It broke your heart that his vivid imagination was capable of creating such venomous thoughts.

Harry quickly dropped the food onto the kitchen counter before running up the stairs hurriedly and rushing into Ethan’s room, finding the boy stood up tears streaming down his cheeks his chest heaving “hey… hey… oh,” Harry’s muscular arms quickly wrapped around the small boy, lifting him up into his embrace, the boy beginning to sob into Harry’s neck fisting his T-shirt in his hands as the child wailed,

“I thought you were going to leave me daddy! I-I thought- I- I would never see you again!” Harry rubbed up and down Ethan’s back slowly and gently rocking him back and forth in his embrace “shhh… I’m still here.. I’m right here… I’m never gonna leave you. I couldn’t leave you. I love you too much.” Harry continued rocking him back and forth in a soothing manner, pressing little kisses to the top of his head the boys crying soon dying down as he became calmer and calmer.

“I love you daddy” he whispered out quietly “I love you too, bud… love you to the moon and back in fact,” he spoke softly chin resting atop of his head “don’t leave me daddy… I scared…” he whispered and Harry hushed him softly “I’m not gonna let you go. Okay? I’m here.” His hand continuously rubbed up and down his back slowly and gently over and over again, his fingertips massaging into the boys spine and Harry heard his sons breathing grow deeper proving he was starting to relax and so that’s when Harry decided to send his son completely into dream land, a peaceful dreamland…

“You want me to sing for you?” He soon asked quietly, receiving a little ‘mm-mm’ in return and he smiled softly before pressing a kiss to his forehead,

“Sweet creature

Had another talk about where it's going wrong

But we're still young

We don't know where we're going

But we know where we belong

And oh we started

Two hearts in one home

It's hard when we argue

We're both stubborn

I know, but oh

Sweet creature, sweet creature

Wherever I go, you bring me home

Sweet creature, sweet creature

When I run out of road, you bring me home

Sweet creature

We're running through the garden

Oh, where nothing bothered us

But we're still young

I always think about you and how we don't speak enough

And oh we started

Two hearts in one home

I know, it's hard when we argue

We're both stubborn

I know, but oh

Sweet creature, sweet creature

Wherever I go, you bring me home

Sweet creature, sweet creature

When I run out of road, you bring me home

I know when we started

Just two hearts in one home

It gets harder when we argue

We're both stubborn

I know, but oh

Sweet creature, sweet creature

Wherever I go, you bring me home

Sweet creature, sweet creature

When I run out of road, you bring me home

You'll bring me home”

Soon after those lyrics came to an end Harry continued humming them over and over again until feeling the boy go limp in his embrace and he smiled softly, pressing a kiss to his forehead before carefully lowering him into his bed, covering him with his blankets and placing a teddy in his embrace “love you buddy. Sleep well.” He paused for a moment or two to make sure he would remain asleep before he silently left the room before hurrying downstairs to where you were, you had already set up dinner and as soon as Harry appeared around the corner you smiled wrapping your arms around him instantly and pressing a kiss to his lips “I guess we know he loves your singing just as much as me hm…” a soft giggle left your lips and Harry smirked pressing a kiss to your forehead “I guess so. But it makes sense… mother like son hm?” He smiled giving you a squeeze “I love you.” He muttered gently “love you too.” You rested your head against his chest listening to his heartbeat, your heart was his and you knew your sons heart was Harry’s too… Harry was not only your comfort person but Ethan’s as well… you both needed him as much as each other… but Harry needed you just as much… he may be your everything but you’re his everything as well.

[jankwritten]

Jasico Bingo Challenge: sharing a bed

It took all of ten minutes for Jason to cave and climb into Nico’s too-big bed. His weight dips the mattress to one side, and as he slides under the blankets, Nico gets hit with his fan’s frigid breeze. 

“Told you,” he mutters, flipping over onto his left side. He sticks his hand under his pillow. 

Jason makes a face, wrinkling his nose and giving Nico a sort of side-glare, before he settles fully down, hugging Nico’s spare pillow. “I don’t like disobeying Miss Sally.” 

Two months ago, Nico would’ve been right there with him. He’s lived under her roof long enough to know which rules they can nudge, though. “Percy constantly lets Grover share his bed.” 

“Percy and Grover are different,” Jason says, his voice just a shade above a whisper. “You know it’s different.” 

Nico shrugs. “Sally doesn’t know that.” 

Jason looks far less amused than he should. “I’m serious,” he says. 

This is what Nico gets for dating a serial rule-follower, he supposes. Rules are rigid and unbending, in Jason’s mind, no matter how insignificant. He approaches “entrance” and “exit” signs like he’ll get arrested for mixing them up. 

It’s something they’re working on, together. It’s something Nico can help with. It’s always tricky, with Jason, working around the thorny patches of his logic, but Nico knows firsthand that once Jason can tame that anxiety, he’ll feel so much better. 

Nico is also aware it took him almost half a year to even start changing his own habits regarding rules, or moreso his perception of them, and that was only after a few years of built up trauma around it. Jason has his whole life to unwind. 

But, there is still progress, which Nico makes sure Jason knows he’s proud of. It’s easy to start with things Jason wants that he sees as outside the rule-boundary, things like sneaking dessert out of the pavilion at camp so they can eat it somewhere peaceful, or sharing Nico’s oversized princess bed so he doesn’t have to sleep on the floor.

Sometimes it feels a little bit like treat-training a dog. Nico did something similar with Mrs. O’Leary and Cerberus, after all. It’s a guilty thought to have. Jason isn’t a dog, and Nico isn’t his owner, isn’t trying to train him. He’s just…he wants Jason to feel free. He hates when Jason mentally butts up against one of the walls of his cage and physically recoils from something that would make him feel better. Make him feel good, and human, and normal. 

“I want you up here,” Nico says. He matches the gravity of Jason’s tone, watches Jason’s eyes dart around, lit by the dimmed string of star-shaped lights over the bed. Nico reaches out, slowly, and pokes Jason’s wrist. “I know I’ll sleep better if you’re here.” 

Jason swallows. He shifts his weight on the mattress, his foot kicking out just barely into Nico’s space. “What if Miss Sally comes to check on us, and she sees-? Will she get mad?” 

“Maybe.” He wants to temper Jason’s fears, not lie to them. He hasn’t seen Sally get mad at anything other than when the dogs chew on shoes, or when he and Percy fight too loud in the backyard. This, something easy enough to explain, he doesn’t think she’d mind. “But she would never punish me, or you, over it. Over anything. The worst she’d do is give us a stern talking to, and maybe make us sleep on the couch next time.” 

“The couch is an option?” 

Ugh, no, the couch is not an option. Nico taps his fingers against Jason’s wrist bone and wrinkles up his nose, tucking himself up more in his comfortable blankets and pillows. 

Jason, finally, breaks into a little smile. “You’re spoiled now.” 

“Hush. I’m allowed to like having a bed, and I’m allowed to want to share it with my b..with my boyfriend.” 

The room hushes over, the sound of the fan hiding how hard Nico’s heart thumps. 

It’s still new, that part of this. It’s still hard to say it out loud. Pushing out of his comfort zone is something Nico is working on himself, though. 

Jason beams. He’s probably blushing, though it’s too dark to see and Nico’s half buried his face in the pillow to hide his own face.

“Shut up,” he grumbles. 

Jason turns his hand around and laces their fingers together. He finally lets go of the tension in his arms, lets himself sink into the bed. Nico feels how the blanket moves with it. 

“You’ve convinced me,” Jason whispers. “But if we do get caught, you’re doing the talking.” 

“Deal,” Nico says, and squeezes Jason’s hand. He peeks, just to see another glimpse of that smile. He likes Jason’s smile. It doesn’t even ache to admit it anymore. “Go to sleep, now.” 

“Can do.” 

(Sally pokes her head in at eight AM, after Nico and Jason miss breakfast. She blinks, at first confused to see the empty pallet at Nico’s bedside, then understanding when she sees the bed itself. 

Jason is fast asleep at the edge of the bed, peaceful and relaxed, hugging a pillow to his chest, the blankets tangled around him. Just over the slope of his shoulder, she sees Nico’s curly head of hair nestled close. 

She’s careful not to let the door squeak as she leaves them in peace.) 

[bisadiemccarthy]

“ can you stop?! i’m pregnant, for crying out loud, it’s not like i’m made of glass! “ for the fix-it verse if it works, and if not just something with rhekker please? 💗

This absolutely works in the fix-it verse and I am going to make it angsty :) Also, a drabble with scene breaks?? Who am I????

CW for pregnancy, hospitals, and discussion of childbirth/premature labor/etc

Ava would laugh at Connor actually bothering to move her breakfast closer to her on the table, except that he's legitimately taking himself seriously, and fussing with the tilt of the bed, too. Sure, bed rest means she's not supposed to move too much, but this is a little extreme.

"Can you stop?" she sighs, moving his hand away from the buttons on the side of the hospital bed. "I'm pregnant, but for crying out loud, that doesn't mean I'm made of glass!"

"Avey, that may have been true a week ago," her fiance says, "but now you're literally in labor. And it's more than ten weeks early."

"I'm not in labor, that's the problem," she grumbles. "God, I know it's good for these babies to stay put for as long as they can, but now I just have to wait, knowing anything could go wrong... do you know how high the risk of infection is with a prematurely ruptured amniotic sac? And if any of them ends up with a respiratory infection, that utterly defeats the purpose of waiting at all."

"I know, I know, there's a lot to worry about," Connor agrees, fidgeting in the armchair next to her. "But that's what the steroids are for, remember? The longer you wait, the stronger these three get... and I'm right here with you, Avey, whatever you need."

She takes his hand with her left and uses her right to pick up the slightly burnt toast, which Connor has already smeared with strawberry jelly at her request. "I just feel like I'm bad at this part."

Connor's face is the picture of confusion. "Honey, no, you're doing amazing. You're working so hard."

"Then why do I feel so fucking terrible?" Ava squeezes his hand, searching his concerned expression for any reassurance. "I thought I was handling everything so well, but now-- god, it's not even physically, I just feel like everything is constantly moving too fast, and my anxiety is through the goddamn roof..." she trails off, letting go of him and abandoning her untouched toast in favor of burying her face in her hands.

Almost immediately, she feels him rubbing her back. "Did you ever talk to your doc about going back up a little after he cut your meds?"

"I didn't think it was going to get bad enough," she mutters.

"We can get someone in here," he offers.

She groans at the thought of suffering through a hospital psych eval. "I don't know..."

"Just think about it, baby," he encourages. "If it'll make you feel better..."

Ava humphs in protest, shifting back upright and rubbing her cumbersome baby bump. She can hardly breathe bent over with three tiny bodies taking up all the space in there.

A moment later, her nurse comes in for the routine checks. "Your heart rate is still consistently a little higher than we want," she hums, "and I'm not a big fan of your blood pressure, either. We may have to start you on some meds for that."

"It's not cardiovascular," she groans. "It's just my anxiety. I'm not on my full-strength medication, and now I'm stuck in the hospital for who knows how long..."

Her nurse frowns at that. "Well, alright. We might have someone come talk to you later, then."

Ava smiles wryly. "Just what I wanted."

She manages to finish her breakfast after the nurse leaves, and then with Connor rubbing her back, she closes her eyes in the hopes of dozing. "Get some rest, babe," he encourages, and she mumbles incoherently in response.

Sleep is a blessing at this point.

----

Connor is loathe to leave Ava for even a minute at this point, but while she's sleeping she won't miss him, and besides, he's on a mission. He has to poke around the psych floor for a little bit before he finds who he's looking for, and since he's in street clothes, he even gets redirected a few times before he manages to sneak on through.

"Sarah!"

She yelps and startles in surprise, turning in her office chair with a hand over her heart. "Jesus, Connor, you scared me! Why aren't you up on the maternity floor?"

"'Cause I need a psych consult," he explains. "Ava's in rough shape, and I think someone needs to look at her meds again, but that's a low priority up in obstetrics."

"Okay," Sarah says slowly, "so what you do, is you find the doctor, and you ask if there's any way they can make a psych eval happen, and then the doctor calls us--"

"C'mon, Sarah," he groans, "do me a solid? Besides, Ava will feel better if it's you..."

She purses her lips, turns to scowl at her computer, and then checks her watch. "Alright. You're lucky you got me between patients."

"Thanks so much," he says, sighing in relief as he claps her on the shoulder. "We really appreciate it, Sarah."

"Let's walk and talk," she says, grabbing the tablet off her desk. "What are her current medications, just so I know what I'm working with?"

Connor explains as best he can as they return to the maternity floor, and he'd been right in thinking Ava would be more relaxed with a friendly face, because she answers questions and explains her symptoms with a remarkable lack of resistance, compared to the other doctors they've been talking to over the past few days. And then Sarah leaves to converse with Ava's actual doctors, and it turns out the initial plan is to try a light sedative that's approved for pregnancy in the hopes of a more immediate effect on Ava's emotional state.

He anxiously watches his fiancee's face for any indication that she's upset with the idea, but she nods and lets them administer it, holding his hand with her right as they run the meds into her IV. Sure, Connor's not thrilled about her being more out of it and sleepy and less able to answer his frequent and slightly pointless questions about her wellbeing, but that's a selfish reason to protest. So he keeps his mouth shut and holds onto Ava as they wait for the meds to kick in.

"Connor," she mumbles, already having been dozing before he'd brought Sarah in, "will you come hold me?"

"Yeah, of course," he says, carefully climbing onto the bed with her. Seven months in, they've both become experts at cuddling in spite of her baby bump, so he spoons her along her back and massages her shoulders, one hand drifting to rest on her belly. "How are you feeling?"

"Cold," she mumbles. "Tired."

"I'll keep you warm," he says, making a mental note to ask a nurse for a blanket the next time one comes in. "You can go back to sleep."

"Am I just gonna be in a fog for the rest of this?"

"I don't know," he answers truthfully. "You can talk to the doctors in a little while if it ends up being too much."

"I'll accept being in a fog if it means I can stop being scared every single second," she sighs, her voice getting quieter and quieter.

Connor kisses her hair. "I don't want you to be scared."

She leans back into him, her eyes closed now. "I'm... tired."

"Good," he murmurs, still rubbing her shoulders. "Get some rest."

"You'll stay?"

"Of course. I'm right here."

Ava hums slowly, and her breathing begins to slow. Connor peppers kisses over her hair and the back of her neck, rubbing her back as she drifts off. "I love you," he whispers.

She doesn't answer, and he just hopes she's finally able to get restful sleep.

[golbrocklovely]

since i was nicely asked to do so...

here are more of colby’s tweets from 2019.

i don’t have proof that these are his tweets, but believe me, they are his.

if it’s bold and italicized, it’s someone’s tweet to him.

if it’s in (), that’s just me commenting lol

added bonus: if they have a * next to them, that means it’s been deleted

~~~~~~~~~~~

July 4 - sometimes i take the stairs cause i don’t wanna see people in the elevator

July 6 - i jus wanna drink mikes hard with my bros

July 7 - *random girl comes up to us* “OMG I THINK I KNOW YOU GUYS, WHO ARE YOU!?” us: “Jack and Jack” “HAHAH I WISH” *runs away*

July 9 - i still have a fat crush on gwen stefani

July 10 - it only takes one thing to make me not interested anymore

July 11 - everything will come full circle sooner or later. law of attraction

i’m in every hot topic , send me a pic if you see me

July 13 - i’m a mess

July 18 - it’s hard to let people in

July 20 - kidney stones scare me like i don’t wanna piss out a rock

(the difference two days can make huh? sksks i hate him SO MUCH)

July 23 - i just had a terrible nightmare

July 25 - it’s never been the same after

July 26 - WHO CARES ABOUT PEOPLE WE HAVE DOGS

Aug. 3 - i could sleep forever if i wanted to

Aug. 8 - everyone talks shit in LA

@/mikes_dead: lmao who we fightin b

@/colbybrock: everyone

my anxiety has been through the roof this past few days .. but we’ll be fine i’m so excited !

Aug. 9 - do what you want just don’t lie to me .. i see right through it

self care, i’m treatin meeeeeee right

Aug. 11 - sam and colby vs. the world. we love you guys, never forget. #ChoiceYoutuber let’s go baby

(wow this feels like forever ago at this point)

WE THOUGHT THEY WERE KIDDING hahahaha only we would do that

Aug. 12 - life feels so surreal lately

Aug. 14 - everyone needs a day where you can just curl up in a ball and do NOTHING.

Aug. 17 - i used to to have 3 guinea pigs named Patch, Reno, and Taho they all died horrible deaths

(this man has brought this up multiple times over the years and has never explained what happened. WE NEED ANSWERS COLBERT)

i miss the middle school Warped Tour days

Aug. 19 - pretty sure my neighbors think i’m a crackhead

Aug. 20 - i don’t like who i was then

Aug. 23 - @/mikes_dead: Everyone pray for my boy @/ColbyBrock nothings wrong with him he just ugly

you just mad cause i spanked you in beer pong

Aug. 27 - you can find me on my balcony listening to music most late nights

Aug. 28 - Sam and I have been working for the past few years on this project that’s literally the reason we started social media. it’s finally almost here .. revamped and better than ever.

if you’ve ever felt alone, help is on the way i promise

ill pour my heart n soul out

Aug. 29 - need to escape

Sept. 1 - i’ve been watching joey graceffa puppy videos every day ngl

Sept. 2 - nothing lasts forever make it count

no one will have me like you had me

Sept. 4 - i just got tickled on live TV how’s your day goin

Sept. 6 - calvin klein x colby brock ?

Sept. 10 - i always have a random song playing in the back of my head

Sept. 13 - being yourself no matter what anyone thinks is so important

my friends have been tellin me i’ve got a big head… not sure why (with a pic of him surrounded by himself lol)

Sept. 18 - ALL BLACK ALWAYS

Sept. 23 - i’ve grown up so much over the past few years. 2015 me is someone i’d like to leave behind forever

(he really doesn't like his past self. i'm not sure why…)

Sept. 25 - i’m constantly having a mental battle of whether i wanna go workout or eat a chalupa

[daegulinekush]

The death of peace of mind

~ A Kim Taehyung fanfiction

Chapter one: ★ I hope my last breath is a sigh of relief ★

Contains: underage smoking, smoking, reference to past events (will be discovered later), reference to (lack of) mental health, drinking, some nakedness (?), drunk OC, Balkan culture insert, some cursing, Jimin can be a meanie T-T

(please tell me if I forgot anything)

The multicolored lights are swirling around the otherwise dark room, landing on different bodies and different clothes, sparks of green, red and blue all around. It’s a typical Friday night, to put it like that. It isn’t the first time me, Jimin and Taehyung get out at questionable hours, when the Moon has already rised high in the sky and the street lamps along with the ones of the closed shops make everything somehow seem even more magical.

It’s the way we’ve always gone through life, in a way, taking everything in strides, solving things as they come and making the best out of them.

Finals have been a pain this year and even more, the exam for getting into University have got us with anxiety brimming over the roof. The tension taking over all of our bodies and minds is something we must relieve as fast as possible, the creases in the foreheads and the bags under the eyes along with sparkles dimming along with the informational dump we did on ourselves and lost nights of sleep make us look somewhat older.

Maybe it’s normal to look older, considering the new phase of life we’re all entering together. It’s a huge luck, in all honesty, that all three of us are the same age. Universe truly couldn’t have us be separated, it seems like.

It makes sense. I don’t know what I would have done without any of those two, but even more without Taehyung. After all, not losing my sanity entirely during those last four years and even the four before those have been mostly his doing, even as we have been more separated than together in the first part of our lives.

The music or, better said, the bass of it shakes my whole heart and guides my body to the rhythm. It’s quite hypnotizing and as always, I know most of this night will be a blur of feelings and laughter. I’m not limiting myself anymore tonight, safely kept under the eyes of the two men I trust most in my life.

The music already makes adrenaline thrum through my veins, along with the pre-drinking game me and Jimin had before going out, each drowning a few shots of soju. I wasn’t such a fan of it, it never truly rubbed on me, the drink itself, as I’m more of the sweet alcohol kind of enjoyer, but I could never refuse a shot - especially when I genuinely felt the need to stop my mind from working after it raced constantly for a too extended period of time. Even less could I refuse when he swore up and down this one is sweeter than the usual one, as he decided to entertain me with the mix of soju and sakura blossoms with a bit of cherry. It did feel less like I was drinking straight up sanitary alcohol, the supposed burn on the throat not a problem, but still not a favorite of mine.

Getting over the alcohol problem and how different mine and Jimin’s tastes are for it, what I do vaguely remember and will probably not forget for quite a few days is me trying desperately to fix my eyeliner - a feat in itself with my obvious white genes and hooded eyes - already wearing a crop top tight on my skin, so tiny it basically almost made my chest spill from it with black bra and all, along with some too ripped jeans to be for anything else than partying. The heavy boots I was wearing had thick platforms and helped me gain around an inch, but those boys always seem to forget I am much shorter than them expect for the occasions they find to tease me about it - with Jimin as main bully. So yes, I do remember very clearly the coldness of the sink when they a bit too enthusiastically and hurriedly told me to move faster while basically squishing me and forcing the edge of the cold sink to almost dig into my exposed abdomen, just as well as I remember the space being too tiny, Jimin’s front of the jeans brushing unintentionally over my ass and the way I snapped at them to get out before I strangle someone.

That being said, I obviously don’t remember how we got there, in this club - is that really a club or just a basement someone tried so hard to make a club out of?

It doesn’t truly matter either. We’re here to dance and get drunk however you take it.

Jimin is lost somewhere in the crowd as I remain close to Tae - or he sticks to my side, I can’t even be sure of which one is the case with how oftenly we are together - and I spot him easily with my gaze, a few meters away, lights shining on him as they always do, his head thrown back as his hair slick with sweat makes him look even better, his already large and exposing sleeveless shirt somehow pooled (wrapped?) around his hips as my cheeky friend enjoys the swirl of women around him, one with dirty blonde hair, letting the slight yellow-brownish liquid of what seems like beer with the foam it makes slowly glide over his chiseled chest and between the lines of his abdomen as he dares chuckle and even pull his pants the tiniest bit lower with his fingers wrapped around his buckle.

Shameless, more than usual, and I can only blame it on the stress he’s wnet through, maybe even more than us, with his constant need of being the best in what he does and being his parents’ proudness. It always makes me wonder who’s the worse influence: me, with my crazy ideas steemed out of endless balkan normal activities deemed as bad ideas and good memories, as I have grown in an entirely different culture, or him, with his impossible tolerance to alcohol and the way he loses himself when it comes to a party he feels comfortable during?

I rip my eyes from the way both sweat and alcohol drip from Jimin’s skin in favor of seeing my childhood bestfriend - Taehyung - with his green tips and slightly long hair, bangs falling onto his forehead, his black leather jacket barely hanging onto one of his shoulders, the wideness of them making him look more masculine with every new year passing. He’s tall, way taller than me, in the way I can’t even reach his shoulder without wearing heels. This time, I barely brush them, as he’s decided to wear sneakers. He looks as good as always, with the way one of the corners of his lips curl upwards in what seems like a smirk at first, but I know better, as his dark eyes sparkle slightly and his big hand reaches for mine slowly. It’s easy to give in when it comes to him, it’s always been easy and I’ve always adored giving into the moments of slight goofiness as he grips my hand in such a gentle way, always gentle and warm, just like him, his fingertips merely pinching mine as he makes me twirl and then pulls me closer with his other arm be wrapping it around my lower back in a way that lets me feel the coldness of the leather barely brushing my skin, but never actually touching it properly nor pressing.

Blurs like this one are something I live for. The simple feeling of losing yourself in a crowd, in happiness, while also knowing that whatever will happen I don’t have to worry about anything around me and I can just soak in those feelings. Somehow, it feels like time is endless and so am I with it.

It’s not the first time I feel like this, like me and him are the only ones mattering and existing in this world. On the contrary, it’s became more and more common since we started living under the same roof four years ago. It’s maybe the way he smiles at me, the way his lips twitch first and his eyes crinkle at the corners just for his teeth to entirely be showed in a boxy smile that makes his cheeks look even fuller, just warmth emanating from every pore of him. Maybe it’s the way he has to bend down so much to be at almost the same level with me, yet it never seems to bother him, how time has put so many centimeters between our bodies. Maybe it’s simply the way we sway together and as the song changes, air becomes electrified and we dance more and more, swirl more and more with each other, always so in tune with the other’s movements. The way he gives into my way of moving too, the way he’s always been my number one support, the way he never makes fun of me for wishing to show my culture instead of inhibiting it or even try dances from other cultures I grew up surrounded by, be it from media or other ways.

Just like now, as the songs become more and more repetitive and in a burst of moment, an impulsiveness, making me go and change the song with one the majority are not used to at all, the oriental rhythm taking over my body in such a natural way, one I know since little.

The song is Albanian, a definitive change to the korean r&b that was put, the trumpets strange for the ones not used to this. For me, though, they are like breathing, like dancing is for Jimin, like paint and photography are for Taehyung, and being with those two has always made me more comfortable in my skin, even in a sea of people who might scrunch their noses in disgust instead of having the openness to try different things.

It’s not any different now. Taehyung knows very well the way I move, just as I know his, the endless nights when we would dance together in the kitchen with his siblings looking at us curiously and his mother inevitably laughing and taking it all in deeply imprinted in our memories. Days when the homesickness would be too much for me, when he would do anything to pull a smile out of me, when nights of silent crying alone will never truly end alone, as if he was able to sense when the worst parts of me would swallow the best, trying to rot them.

It’s the way it became memory muscle, maybe, to bend my knees and twist my hips in synchron with his as we drop at the same time and then pull ourselves right back up. It’s the way our feet move fastly but don’t knock into each other anymore. It’s the way his long fingers intertwine with mine and I can feel his huge hand swallowing mine in it’s strengthening grip, knowing better than to let go of me for this one. It’s the way my mind can still recite in my ears the sweet thump our feet used to make on the wooden floor back home with every harsh hit specific to this dance. Or maybe it’s just the way I grip better his hand, to the point our very bones seem to want to mingle together, to make space for each other and become one as he bends himself at the waist with his jacket on one of his shoulders and makes a harsh flutter out of it, heavy and bursting so much happiness within me that I can’t help but let my head fall back and my hair tickle my shoulders as I laugh whole heartedly.

There’s no better feeling than having him by my side. Even as Jimin is his soulmate, I have never felt more complete than with my bear, my sweetest honey. He’s the very life buzzing through my veins, the most human parts of me, the brightest of lights shining through my cracks. He’s such a heavy part of me that the moment his breath will stop, I will force mine to do so too.

There’s no life without him and I am deeply convinced of that. No matter who will come into my life, into my soul, they will never have the same impact as he has on me. Not when with him, I learnt the best how to not back down, how to not waver, how proudness truly feels like. Not when he’s seen me at my very worst and has been my very backbone, when he’s someone my very heart and life has stood on the hands of for so long.

As colors and moves blur together, as my head becomes dizier and dizier, swirling around and Jimin comes back to us, the scent of all kinds of alcohol etched into his skin from his previous games, I can feel all of the stress leaving my mind and my body. Jimin is already holding a bottle of something I do not recognize in his hand, a firm grasp over the still not opened bottle, the etiquette of it entirely blurred to my eyes. Better said, I did not care enough to focus on the mark nor the contents of the new object, focused rather on the way Taehyung’s fingers fish into the back pocket of his jeans for the obvious: a pack of cigarettes.

If with Jimin I am not sure which one of us is the worse influence, with Taehyung I am sure it’s me. Sometimes, I think that maybe he wouldn’t have smoked if I wasn’t enough of a fool to let him try a cigarette and actually teach him how to drag the toxic smoke into his lungs. Maybe if I, myself, have not been foolish enough to start smoking at 14, both due to cultural things I have grown up with and the events that had taken place dragging me to my only actual addiction, maybe then he wouldn’t have smoked right now. The only contentment I am left with on this subject is the fact that he’s not smoking a lot unless under heavy stress and as such, I don’t stress much on the guilt trying to take over my mind, rather preferring to admire the way his slender fingers pull out one of the cigarettes. I have never exactly understood his reason for not keeping the filter between his pointer and middle finger, many times teasing him about how he’s making it look like he’s smoking anything but mere, legal tabbacoo from the way he hold it. Needless to say, it hasn’t changed his way of holding the flimsy tube. It is funny, though, to see how small it looks in his hands anyways. How tiny and breakable.

Without a word, I simply pull another one from his pack, Volvo, as I steal the lighter from his very same hand. I can literally feel his amused yet burning gaze on me as I inhale deeply the toxic smoke, then let it slowly leave my lips, my red lipstick sticking to the filter as I pull the cigarette from my mouth.

“What?” I kind of scream so he would hear me over the loud music. I can hear Jimin snickering by me left side, right between me and Taehyung, but I pay it no mind.

“Stop stealing my cigs. You’ve got your own” his voice is deep, deeper than the bass of the flimsy song playing now. It was a shock that my mind somehow still took sometimes, once in a while. After all, I’ve known him for so long that I am one of the few people who actually remembers very well how his voice used to sound before puberty hit him. Smoking has somehow got it even raspier, even if it’s not been long since he started.

“What’s yours is also mine” I could feel my lips splitting in a the cockiest of grins ever. “Especially when I’m the reason you could avoid mom killing you in the first place, or have you already forgotten that for her, this is /my/ pack of cigs?”

It was impossible to not tease him endlessly about it. We all knew his mom would have his head if she heard he started smoking. She’s even found his pack of cigarettes in his jacket. As his best friend, of course I warned him that if she ever is to ask about it, it’s mine. It’s also very believable and easy to get over with, as she knows I started smoking way too early and the reasons behind, just like she knows this protective bear has always got something on him to cover me with in case of cold.

Years might pass and we might change, but some things will always remain the same, which is in some way incredibly comforting. One of those things is how adorable his smile is and the way he pouts at my teasing when he realizes I’m right - like now, his lips a bit red and pushed out.

“If you’re going to smoke I’m literally gonna leave. Don’t want the stink on me” Jimin frowned. He’s scolded us already a thousand times for this and even as I know he’s right, I also frankly don’t wanna hear it. The way I entered my teenage years was already terribly messy and this is truly the easiest of ways I’ve coped with it all. In all honesty, I could have done a lot worse.

Inevitably, both me and Taehyung decide to move to a corner of the room, closer to the exit, where more people smoked, as for the ‘stink’ to get out easier, faster.

Not like that could kill the mood. No, quite the contrary, because of the quite too many people there, we ended up being even closer, bodies so close they were almost glued. It has passed some times since we’ve been quite this close physically, but it happened so naturally, the slight distance, that I haven’t remarked until now, not truly.

It made sense for the slight limits to be build, though. After all, he had a girlfriend and they had been together since the second year of highschool. She was a bit older than him, I have met her on the pass. I didn’t necessarily like her that much but it didn’t matter as she was making him happy. He’s been sparkling for quite some time and as much as she wasn’t the reason behind his sadness, I didn’t mind. I simply want him happy, appreciated to his true value.

It would be a shitty move for me to not back down a bit, even as his best friend. I am still a girl and I do understand very clearly that some things are just not to be done. We also did grow up, after all. It can’t be the same as it was before and it’s normal, but that doesn’t make it bad. We are just as close, just in different ways, after all.

Want it or not, the adrenaline and pre-game got me slightly buzzed. Feeling free after so long definitely gets one to feel different, in a good way. As I pull another smoke from the cigarette, my eyes fall on the way smoke leave’s Taehyung’s, his shoulders slightly crouched, along with his chin downwards to his chest, a strand of his hair falling over his forehead as his back slightly touches the wall behind.

The crowd is quite chaotic here and I can feel his other had on my hip, pulling me closer to him. I can feel a breath being pulled out of my lungs, the only reason I recognize it as being his hand being how used I am to him. It surprises me, gets me a bit out of balance, and my own hands are pushed in front of me to find something to grasp onto, out of possible habit clutching to his wide shoulders and putting myself back onto my own feet.

He smells of sweat and cologne, dark and yet fresh, masculine in a way that’s so comforting, so homey, cozy. If warmth had  a smell, that would be Taehyung.

The song is another than I was aware of a few minutes ago, one I know we both enjoy, and just by the slight arch of his eyebrow I can tell already what he’s trying to signal me. Silent, without any words needed because there’s no need for one.

Fondness. I truly can’t help it, can’t help the way it washes over me, the way I shake my head and roll my eyes, but I wrap my arm around his middle anyways and pull myself closer to him, by his side, our hips rolling and moving with the rhythm of the song, left and right, time passing by.

I’m not sure how the time passes. I don’t know how the songs blend together nor do I know if I’m even real as the lights and adrenaline of being finally free, even for just one night, blind my mind until the moment from a slow sway of bodies I feel the contrast of coldness creeping up my spine and warmth at the front, forced to open my eyes instead of continuing to lose myself.

It’s still him close to me, the same Taehyung, but this time his jacket is entirely off from his shoulders, sleeves wrapped around his middle. He’s more touchy than usual, even as I know he hasn’t put one drop of alcohol on his tongue, the usual of lately, but time does happen to drift people apart as things pile up. It’s been so long since we’ve had our once usually weekly night of marathons and spilling tea, talking about everything and anything that came to our minds, nights that usually ended up in us falling asleep in the same bed, cuddled together, both refusing to let go.

His eyes are like the sky itself would be in a totally isolated part of this world, away from all the artificial lights, sparkling with such force that they seem to hold entire galaxies, all the stars in the universe, while also being so dark, so focused. I’ve always loved his eyes, the expresiveness of them. I also loved the way they had always looked at me with warmth, trust, openness.

Never have I expected for them to ever feel…heavy. Dark in a way that wasn’t just because I was teasing him or pissed him with something and he was ready to scold me, but for a reason unknown to me.

Cornered. I was basically cornered and if it had been someone else, another man, my body would have gone into fight mode, I would have kicked, would have searched for a way to escape.

Yet, this was Taehyung. Taehyung, whom I trust more than I trust myself. So I wasn’t frightened nor was I worried. Panic didn’t lick up my spine, especially not as even in his moves his hands have been careful as to not have me making a painful contact with the wall, one of his arms around my back and the other behind my head. It was hard to fear someone you’ve literally slept squished under, feeling his warmth seep into your very bones and soul.

The one behind my head moved as to prop his body onto the wall, by the side of it, I could see it with the corner of my eye the place where it sprawled his long fingers over the wall, while the other I could feel slightly gripping at the part that wasn’t exposed from my hip, the high waisted jeans definitely helping in that aspect.

I wasn’t sure what happened to get to this point. Maybe it was too crowded and someone had almost knocked into me without me realizing, as it wouldn’t be the first time something like this has happened, just like it wouldn’t be the first time he would pull me away to avoid such an incident.

So why did it feel heavier? Why is my whole body electrified, why is my heart beating like that? It’s hard to breath and yet it feels so good, the closeness, the way he leans more into me, the way the tips of our noses touch.

Maybe, deep within myself, I’ve missed being close to him, without limits, without worrying about his girlfriend taking it the wrong way. The way we used to be.

The tips of our noses rub together in soft affection and I can feel his hand cupping my cheek, closing my eyes to relish in the warmth of it all, more or less voluntary a smile blooming onto my lips, even as he slightly tilts my chin. He smells of tobacco and a slight tint of strawberry, even his breath is warm.

The ache I feel is for the old times, right? For how this reminds me of them, of thousand of nights spent curled up together, of the times when there was no care for what others might believe of our closeness or our friendship…right?

“We should go back to Jimin” I whisper, even as there’s heaviness on my chest, one I truly can’t explain from where it comes. “Someone might see us and think the wrong thing”

Because I truly don’t want to put his girlfriend in such a position, in the position where she wonders, where she deals with maybe rised insecurities. I don’t want to provoke her heartbreak nor get between them. As much as Taehyung is happy, so am I.

“It wouldn’t be the first time people take our friendship the wrong way” and even with all of this loud music, it feels like the noise is just that: background noise, his voice the only one mattering.

He’s right. I know he is. Many had taken our friendship for more than it is, teasing about how it can’t be true for our friendship to be just that. Just because of our sexes. Just because technically, we could be attracted to each other.

“I know” and yet, even if I know, even if it wouldn’t matter if anyone else would have thought of it as literally any point, I still searched in the crowd for Jimin. “Let’s go. Yo, Chim!” I screamed over the crowd as we moved. “I bet I can down more shots than you!”

Doom. Those words truly had been the way the night went more or less downhills. It wasn’t the first time I was trying to out-drink Jimin and it surely wouldn’t be the last, each time leaving Taehyung to take care of our asses, but it was just something about it that rose competitiveness within me everytime my God complex went a bit too far, maybe.

Shot after shot of things I can’t and won’t bother remembering, I could feel my mind buzzing more and more, the warmth and dizziness of alcohol setting in more into my bones, along with a weird slugishness.

From there, I can remember just fragments. I remember at some point dancing between Jimin and Taehyung, deciding to go home when the streets were already way too empty, for once the city almost quiet, except the cars - at least in this zone of Seoul.

We all knew it wouldn’t last much either. We had to pass some bridges, somehow deciding walking was a ‘good idea’ - it was totally not, but at least we were together in it.

Getting out of the huge mass of sweaty bodies was the first step to make - one which happened with a lot of pushes, pulls and quite blurred everything.

Once outside, with the cold air of the night hitting my face, I felt my brain slightly scrambling itself together, none of us actually so drunk we got a blackout or something - never gonna be /that/ reckless. My boots were making harsh sounds against the pavement as I slightly struggled to walk.

“Got so pretty for nothing. You promised you’d take photos of me, TaeTae, and all I got was you and Chim knocking me into the sink!” I couldn’t help but grumble, definitely not satisfied at all with the prospect of ending this night with no photo.

Maybe I was being too sensitive from the alcohol, but a promise is a promise and it bugged me. It truly bugged me, the thought that maybe he’s said it just for the hell of it or out of habit, even as I know he’d never promise me something he can’t fullfil. Maybe this is exactly why it bugged me so much.

Lucky or not, both me and Jimin had some cans of juice to drink, more empty than anything with the thirst that followed and Taehyung bugging at us to drown the juice. Jimin was more awake and more composed than me, but I didn’t feel /that/ drunk either.

I was merely hanging onto Taehyung’s arm, my own wrapped around it, in order to keep myself warm - which led to him simply putting his jacket onto me, as it usually happens.

I heard Jimin laughing, a “Yah! You forgot about your promise, Tae!” leaving his lips.

As the good friend he is, I pulled the phone from his pocket and fixed it on my empty can, moving back to at least take some decent photos after I set the timer.

With the world slightly swirling around me, I inevitably almost stepped on his poor phone - which led to yet another one of our usual bantings.

"Why my phone?! No, my phone, don't —"

Messy. This night could be any messier? 

Laughter and blurred lights and just as blurred roads and steps, our voices maybe a bit too loud for the almost silent city, along with the late (early?) hour, but it didn't matter to us.

"I didn't get to take any photos! Jimin, this is your fault!"

"How's it my fault that you broke my phone?!"

"I didn't break it!"

"You almost did!"

"Almost! I would have bought you a new one if I did!"

"You better would have! You should have!"

"Then why don't /you/ take some photos of me! Or what, am I not attractive enough to be your muse or something?" I basically anything but hissed at him.

"I'd rather fuck a rat, in all honesty"

"You little shit—"

I ended up inevitably squished between Taehyung and Jimin, Jimin's hand around my hip, his fingers firm on the skin. Unlike Taehyung, who had his arm around my shoulder and insistently pulled for some reason at his already huge jacket to cover me better — probably because of the cold of the night — and seemed keen in not touching me too much.

"So, what was that between the two of you?" Jimin broke the silence as we strutted over the bridge from one side of the road to the other.

"What do you mean?" I couldn't help but ask. With all of the stuff that happened tonight and in general with his cryptic way of words, it was hard for me to tell what Jimin was referring to.

"The way you were so close. Taehyung, you have a girl-"

"And me and ____ are just friends". His voice was more gruff than usual, seemingly tired.

"My feet hurt" I couldn't help but whine, the heels suddenly not so worth it anymore, no matter how comfy when sober.

"It didn't seem like so and I'm pretty sure someone could have taken a photo of you two in that position and—" Jimin started rambling.

Yet, Taehyung was crouching in front of me as I struggled to take off my boots, feeling the pain literally burst through my feet in harsh waves.

"You can't walk like that, _____, there could be anything on the road—"

"Then carry me!" I whined, high pitched and annoyed. "Piggyback me home" I pouted at him, flaring my arms around helplessly.

Warmth. There was warmth again in his gaze, along with a chuckle, and just a few moments after I was happily snuggled at his back, his fingers gripping close to my knees.

We used to do this a lot when we were younger, in all honesty.

Finally arriving home — mine and Taehyung's, Jimin's being close by — I was simply let to fall softly into the bed, more like slip down bit by bit like a slime until I was comfortably taking over the entirety of it.

They were talking, but I could barely register their voices anymore, already tired enough to simply fall asleep.

Do I truly need to explain the headache I felt the next day? It would be easier than explaining how by some kind of miracle Jimin's phone had got to take some good photos of me, but pretty worthless.

Hey, petals! This was the first chapter of this fic. I hope you liked it and anything regarding it is welcome and even asked! (Reblogs, tags, asks etc)

I would love to see how you felt or what impressions you have over OC/Jimin/Taehyung!

Tagging @naomihatake because I couldn't have done this without her encouraging me and also tagging @parkdatjimin because this sweet angel said she wanna see it 🥺 👉👈

[midnightandmoondreams]

CW gore I think probably and talking about a lot of my trauma

I want to carve out my heart and tear out my brain I’m so fucking done with my anxiety that it makes me cry each time and even an off handed fucking comment from someone I call a friend makes my heart rate spike through the roof and paralyse me with fear.

People say don’t trusrbhow you feel about your life past 9pm but honestly fuck that i can’t trust how I feel about life because sometimes the anxiety lies to me and other times everything comes fucking true and it looks like my friends hate me but others don’t and I’m dealing with just too fucking much

My parents always fighting, a dog I’m terrified of which has licked me and wants to run at me, forced interactions with my abuser because at this point what can make it worse right, learning how fucked my fathers views are when he says earning a million fucking dollars a year at his highest wasn’t that much, constant pressure to go find a job no you’re doing it wrong apply in person and look the manager in the eye as you shake his hand, pressure to drive when my abuser is the only one who could help me get mt hours up and I have trauma being in a car with him while my mom is always busy, going nonverbal for the first time and getting so anxious I can’t convince myself my friend won’t yell at me when I talk to her and then they stop being a friend and we constantly see each other and share the same resources, finding out that assignment that was only due after the field trip actually is entirely different and I’m drowning and drowning and drowning and so little people have reached for me I’m scared of messaging my friends because I haven’t done it in a while from my self isolation and it feels scary because what if they just hate me and don’t wanr to talk to me what if they decide they’d rather spend their energy on someone else and it feels like so many people are angry at me and I’m fucking breaking down

[atasteofchocolates]

Planning my day of grief.

It’s fair to say 22 has not felt very kind so far. Although I’ve been promoted and am stable at work, my personal life has been anything but. My anxiety is through the roof at most times of the day, but at night it’s at its worst. My mind starts thinking about everything and anything I need to do, should do, or should have done already. I get hot and sweaty in bed and have to have the fan on me most nights. My sleep is poor and I often have stress nightmares so even when I finally do sleep, I’m stressed still. I can always tell because my jaw is clamped shut in the morning and it feels like I am prying it open when I go to brush my teeth in the morning.

Family has been level with work when causing my stress this past month. Mainly my mum but what’s new there. I find my patience with her is low. I find her selfish, drama orientated and at times completely narcissistic. This sounds horrible I know coming from her daughter. And I love her anyways because she is my mum, but I struggle to spend more then a couple hours with her a week. Its hard because everything is becoming so clear, the patterns of self sabotage in her, the way she hurts and pushes those close to her away only to come back a week later like nothing happened. My brothers also have no patience with her anymore but they aren’t so good at showing it. I hate conflict and I feel constantly on the edge of a family world war.

To top this off, smudges death is approaching and fast. Mum decided to take smudge and Keira to a vets in Weston to get their teeth cleaned due to bad breath. Mum has never looked after those dogs properly and it’s showing. Smudge needs 4 teeth pulled out due to rot and has an abscess in his gum which is infected and causing him pain. Mum has never brushed or taken care of the dogs teeth and it’s come back to bite her at the expense of smudges health. Smudge also has a heart murmur which he was diagnosed with in 2017. At that time is was not so much of a problem that he needed medication however, instead of taking him back every year for check ups on his heart so he can be out on meds when needed, mum completely ignored it as well as smudge coughing more which she was told was the main sign of it getting worse. Due to the state of his heart, the vets don’t feel they could put him under anaesthetic to sort his teeth out. Even if it was successful it would be thousands of pounds and if smudge didn’t make it mum would have to pay out anyway. She is calling coombfield, brandis vets on Monday to see what they say but it’s not looking good and smudge cannot remain in pain. However, the thing is he is not naturally dying right now. Just suffering from something that he is too old to fix. So then remains booking in the day for him to be put to sleep if nothing can be done (which is highly likely). So now I am sat here thinking what day would be best in terms of my own emotions and grief. A Friday so I can mourne over the weekend not having to take time off work. The end of august would be perfect so id have 3 days instead of two. And all the while thinking this, I just feel on the edge of an anxiety attack because I am not ready. I am not ready for my own grief and I am not ready to manage mums. I am not ready to make the call and book the day, or to be in the room when it happens.

But I have to be because it’s coming and quick.

[silversatoru]

Hello! I wanted to request for a chubby reader x Levi oneshot. I feel like there aren’t many stories that have chubby readers ): As for the storyline, I’m not sure if it falls in the angst or hurt/comfort category. It would be the reader feeling insecure about themselves because they have a harder time training than the others (them blaming it on their own weight) and seeing how everyone is much thinner than them, they start avoiding food. To not make it look suspicious, they’d go into the kitchen alone and put the food away along with the left overs. The reader would act normal with Levi and he doesn’t suspect anything at first. Later on, the reader would push themselves harder to the point where they’d train on their own whenever they had to chance so they can lose weight and improve their training. At this point, Levi starts noticing the reader looking paler than usual and the slight difference in their weight. One day during training, the reader ends up fainting from exhaustion and dehydration. They wake up on Levis’s bed with him looking over them. He asks what happened and the reader lies by saying they didn’t drink enough water. Levi calls it bs and ask if they think he’s stupid and goes on to tell them about how they noticed the reader sneaking off into the kitchen with a plate and coming out without it. He didn’t think anything of it at first, but he started putting the pieces together. They end up telling Levi the truth, the way they feel towards themself and how they don’t like the fact that they’re bigger than Levi. He comforts the reader and lets them know that they’re an idiot for thinking that way, etc. Thank you! I’m so sorry if it sounds so cheesy!

hello dear!! i dont think your idea was cheesy at all, i love it actually. these kind of issues live very close to my heart, so writing about them is always really fun for me. that being said,, this fic definitely got very dark and very real, and i would advise everyone to read the warnings before deciding to read this <33

empty

levi ackerman x gn!reader

synopsis: levi catches you skipping meals and does what he can to help

tags/warnings: eating disorder, skipping meals, hurt/comfort, but it does have a happy ending! 

word count: 2.2k 

Throbbing headaches and hollow, gnawing pains in your stomach — they’ve quickly become your new normal. You see everything through a hazy fog these days, nothing feels real and everything hurts but it’s worth it — that’s what you keep saying to yourself. You’re tired of lacking the same agility, momentum, and grace that your thinner counterparts have. 

Your weight was always something that ate away at the back of your head, but joining the scout regiment multiplied it tenfold. You were constantly working twice as hard as your fellow scouts, and it seemed like it was never enough. Everyone around you was not only ridiculously athletic, but so fucking thin. You didn’t hate your comrades for their bodies and the way they were born, but you made up for it by inflicting all of the hate onto yourself.

You wonder if anyone notices your zombie eyes or the abnormal paleness to your face — god, you hope they don’t. The last thing you want to do is have to confront your feelings and admit what you’ve been doing lately. Every night you shamefully sneak back into the kitchen and pour your plate of food into the large pot of leftovers. You pick at food here and there when your friends are watching, but behind closed doors you haven’t eaten much of anything lately. Your body is running on empty, and it’s only a matter of time before it fully catches up to you. 

You hear your last name echo from across the training fields, slowly turning around to see an angry captain sulking towards you. His face was twisted into an unpleasant grimace, his eyebrows knitted together into what almost looked like concern. 

“I’m excusing you from the remainder of training, leave,” his words were flat, but there was a subtle emotional edge. 

“Sorry, what?” you gave him a confused look — Captain Levi never excused anyone from training, not unless they were practically on their deathbed. 

“Go home, and eat a big dinner tonight, your energy has been less than adequate lately,” his face softened slightly, “I expect you to be back to normal by tomorrow. Your skills and abilities are needed here, so go get some rest and be better tomorrow, yeah?”

“But, I-,” you stammered, trying to come up with some kind of valid excuse. 

“That’s an order, cadet”. 

His words surprised you, and before you could even rack your brain for an appropriate way to respond, he was turned on his heels and walking away. You swallowed thickly, your throat dry and stuffed full with anxiety. 

Reluctantly, you followed his orders and made your way back to the Scout’s base early. You grabbed a stack of fresh clothing from your room before heading to the showers and scrubbing yourself free of all the sweat and grime from training. You were careful to avoid mirrors when you navigated bathrooms, and tonight was no exception, your eyes glued to the tiled floor. After showering, you hesitantly walked to the kitchen, preparing a plate of food and bringing it back to your room.

That food stared you in the eyes for hours, taunting you and teasing you and making intense nausea creep up your spine.  Tears were stinging the backs of your eyes and your lungs were shaking with heavy, anxiety-filled breaths. You couldn't do it, and you were overwhelmed with shame and guilt. If you couldn’t do it for Levi, you were hopeless that you’d be able to do it for anyone, never mind for yourself. 

After making countless pitiful attempts to take a bite of your untouched meal, you decided it was going back into the leftover pot — just like everything else. The other scouts should have returned and been sleeping by now anyway, you’d just silently creep down the hallway, dump the food, and creep back, no harm no foul. 

Except for that a certain short, dark-haired captain was standing at the end of the hallway — you didn't notice him, but he certainly noticed you. A boiling anger rippled up inside him as he felt an overwhelming disappointment in your actions. He’d been suspecting this kind of behavior for a while now, but watching you tip-toe down the hall and into the kitchen with an uneaten plate of food confirmed all of his suspicions. 

You could barely crawl out of bed the next morning, your ribs aching and your head pounding with a dull pain. You grasped at your tall dresser, catching your balance as you dangerously swayed back and forth for a few seconds. After regaining consciousness and stability you carefully changed into your uniform, having to stop and take breaks every few seconds because you were running out of breath. Your body felt utterly devoid of any kind of energy, and you wondered — when was the last time I actually ate something? 

It was far enough back that you couldn’t quite remember, maybe a few days at this point, you really weren’t sure anymore. You’d have to suck it up for training though, because the last thing you wanted was to be confronted by the captain again. 

You chugged back a full glass of water before lacing up your boots and throwing on a convincing facade. People don’t seem to notice something is wrong as long as you're smiling, laughing, and going along with what they say — it’s easy enough to fly under the radar of your fellow scouts. 

Levi’s radar is a little sharper though, and he keeps a close eye on you from the second you walk up to the training grounds. He’s disappointed in your hand to hand combat — it’s sloppy, slow, predictable. Your hands look shaky too, and maybe it's the light playing tricks on him but it looks like the color is draining from your face. 

Things are feeling deplorable on your side — you can barely stand anymore, never mind throw punches or avoid the oncoming attacks. Your vision was starting to tunnel, foggy black surrounding your periphery as you began to lose feeling in your fingertips. You tried desperately to cling onto whatever semblance of consciousness you had left, but failed miserably, your body collapsing to the hard earth beneath you. 

The soft glow of warm candles illuminated the walls around you when you finally woke up from the earlier incident. This wasn’t your room, where the hell were you? You uncomfortably shifted to the side and flinched when you saw your captain sitting in a chair in front of you. His arms were crossed and one of his legs was propped on top of the other, an icey look in his eyes.

“What happened today?” His words were very short and his tone was flooded with irritation — he didn’t even give you a chance to take in your surroundings.

“Ah- I didn’t sleep well last night,” you lied, “And maybe I haven’t been drinking enough water or something”. 

“I’m offended that you think I would fall for such a pitiful lie,” He clicked his tongue off the roof of his mouth, “I saw you sneak into the kitchen last night, how long have you been doing that?” 

Your eyes grew wide with anxiety, your heart abruptly dropping to the floor — you made sure to go extra late last night, why the hell was he still up?

You stayed quiet for a moment, pondering over how honest you should be with Levi right now. The two of you had always been a little closer than he was with the other scouts, but unfortunately there was no room for things like love in this world. You also assumed that maybe he never reciprocated your feelings because of your weight — but that was just more toxic fuel to the fire blossoming in your head. 

“Pretty long,” you sighed, ultimately deciding to be fully honest with him, because knowing Levi, he’d continue to see right through your lies anyway. 

“I figured,” He grumbled, uncrossing his legs and leaning back into his chair, “Why?” 

“Everyone around me is thin, I stick out. And, I’m not as agile or flexible as the other scouts either. I just thought that maybe...,” you bit down hard on your bottom lip, rolling onto your back so you wouldn’t have to look at him, “I thought my weight bothered you too, and also that I’d be more useful to the scouts if I was skinnier”. 

“You think I’d like you better if you were dead?” Levi was leaning closer now, heat boiling in his eyes, “Because that’s where you’re headed right now. If you truly think you’ll be more helpful to the scouts when you’re six feet under, you’re delusional. And who the hell gave you the idea that your weight bothered me?”

His harsh words were cold slap in the face, your eyes burning and threatening to spill over with tears. You didn’t want to die, not really, you just didn’t want to hate yourself anymore. 

“No one! I don’t know, I just thought, maybe because I was bigger than you-,” You continued to stammer over your words, tears beginning to leak down your cheeks. 

“It doesn’t matter,” he waved you off, not wanting to push the issue further, “You’re wrong, and I’m hurt that you’d even think that. I’ve never once thought that you were anything other than the way you should be”.

“I’m sorry,” your voice was weak and shaky, but your heart was pounding against your chest at his words. 

“I’m not the person you should be apologizing to, that’s something you owe to yourself” he shook his head and stood up to retrieve two small bowls of food from a nearby table, “I brought you something to eat”.

You watched him intently, pondering over his words about apologizing to yourself.

“It’s only a bowl of soup, so you can start small, yeah?” He offered one of the bowls to you, which you hesitantly took into your hands as you sat up. 

He sat down again across from you again, leaning back and taking a sip of broth from his bowl. You were grateful that he was here, that he was eating with you — it made things a little easier. You grasped the spoon in your hands and scooped up some brothy vegetables before lifting them into your mouth. 

“Good, finish the bowl,” nodded at you, giving you a reassuring look and lifting his own bowl to his lips again. 

The two of you ate in silence until you were finished, and then he sat the bowls back on his nightstand before finding a seat next to you on his bed. 

“Stay here tonight,” he stared at you with his signature tired eyes, but there were hints of concern laced through them now, “We’ll have breakfast together in the morning”. 

“Okay,” you gave him a weak nod, trying desperately to bottle up your growing emotions, but they were becoming too much to bear. 

Small sobs began to rack through your body, your chest tightening and your stomach lurching with anxiety. You were experiencing so many feelings tonight — eating for the first time in days and being here with Levi, it was overwhelming to say the least. 

You could barely see the captain through your blurry vision, but you could feel his arms maneuver themselves around you and pull you against his chest. You stayed like that for a while, Levi’s arms delicately holding you in place while quiet sobs worked their way out of your lips. 

“You’ve dug yourself into a deep hole, I won’t lie to you,” you heard him let out a tired sigh, “And it’s gonna take time and effort for you to dig your way out, but you’ll get there. We’ll start by having breakfast and dinner together every night, how does that sound? Just you and me, no one else has to watch”. 

You nuzzled a tiny nod into his chest, your tears finally running dry. It was a terrifying thought, eating normal again, but you were starting to feel hopeful that you might actually be able to do it. 

And so the two of you met every morning and every evening for your scheduled meals, and day by day things began to get easier. You even found yourself staying over in Levi’s room after dinner and into the morning for breakfast sometimes. Spending so much time together was definitely pushing the two of you to address the feelings you’d been hiding for so long. 

But not everything was perfect, it would be irrational to think it would be. You still have bad nights, where eating is so hard you break down into tears, and where you want nothing more than to rid yourself of the food in your system. It’s a draining process, but Levi works hard to make sure you stay on track with your progress. 

It’s slow, but eventually your face starts to glow again, your skin gets smooth and soft, and the aching pains in your body start to fade. Your war with your body is far from over, but you’re doing what you can, and you’re healing yourself one day at a time.

thank u for reading this, and now i would like to give you a gentle reminder to do something nice for your body today. eating disorders and mental illnesses are huge mountains to climb over, but taking things one day at a time makes it a little easier. try and eat a meal today (even if it’s small), go to sleep early and get some rest, take a shower and rub lotion all over your legs so they feel nice against your blankets when you lay in bed. baby steps are better than no steps at all, so be patient with yourself. n go drink some water, ur body loves that shit

[itsclydebitches]

I kinda wonder, what could bakugou do (hori write bakugou to do) to make him less popular with the "anti" crowd. Like He was a horrid child no doubt and people who try to put blame on Deku or lessen the terrible shit bakugou did aren't great. But as we don't rly see it, we have to assume bakugous behaviour wasn't stopped, we only ever saw his mum "punishing" him when he was being rude after getting kiddnapped. Nothing will excuse what bakugou did, but he has stopped? He's overall a harsh person but he's not harrassing and bullying people anymore, specifically not deku, he's trying to attone for what he did to deku and has now apologised for it. His behaviour was never viewed as justified or good in the series, he's a scary figure in middle school, we're not meant to like his behaviour, so the series itself hasn't justified his actions.

As someone who relate to both bakugou and deku more than I'd like to admit (never told someone to jump tho, that's fucked lol) so I can 100% understand not liking or even hating bakugou but as someone who's not 15 anymore, looking back I also made a lot of really shitty decisions and like bakugou have tried to make up for it, and like deku I was 'friends' with people who hurt me.

Is there anything he can do for the "antis" to just dislike him rather that be "anti"?

(I'm very sorry if you've talked about this somewhere, you can just tell me to look for it if you have, I'll continue to look for your posts on the subject)

Hey there, anon! I think I’ve spoken about this only tangentially and/or in my main Bakugo meta, which is too big for anyone sane to read. So yeah, let’s chat here!

For me personally—and that’s all I can ever do: speak personally. I think it’s important to keep in mind that there is no single solution to please the “anti” crowd. Each fan will be looking for something slightly different in Bakugo’s character, much of which might contradict what a “stan” is currently enjoying. Given how charged a character he is, I'm not sure it's possible to get the entire fandom to like him—what I’m looking for hinges on having a different reading of the story than you seem to. Meaning, I think the series does justify his behavior. Not in any overt, super obvious way like having all the characters go, “Wow, Bakugo! I sure do love how you threaten people all the time. That’s super cool and heroic!” Things are rarely that straightforward. Rather, it’s in a more subtle, but consistent manner that paints a rather conclusive picture across hundreds of chapters.

Simply put, Bakugo is continually rewarded for his actions. Or, if not outright rewarded, his actions are ignored in a way that implies silent acceptance. Characters may not always like what he does... but they're willing to let it slide because Bakugo's heroism was always treated as a given, not something he had to earn and prove.

With the ever necessary disclaimer that I’m not fully caught up yet, here’s a list of some of the things that stood out to me in the first half of the series:

Bakugo’s bullying made him the most popular kid in school.

Bakugo’s bullying was ignored by/outright supported by the teachers.

Bakugo’s bullying did not hinder him from getting into U.A., one of the most prestigious hero schools around.

Despite acting horribly throughout his time at U.A. too, this behavior was continually ignored by the teachers and other authority figures around him.

Bakugo’s struggle to realize that other people aren’t “trash” doesn’t hurt his achievements in any way. He still gets top scores, still wins the tournament, etc.

Bakugo’s behavior gets him special attention from All Might, the greatest hero and Bakugo’s personal idol.

His behavior doesn’t make others dislike him in any manner that’s taken seriously. Everybody is still willing to not just put up with Bakugo, but—in time—start treating his behavior as a quirk (no pun intended lol) that they’re secretly fond of, rather than something he should legitimately be striving to change. Kirishima is the most overt example of this.

This is compounded by his behavior constantly being framed as humorous. Much like with Mineta’s perverted actions, characters might superficially go, “No, that’s bad!” but the story never demands any significant development because then we’d lose the “joke” of Bakugo screaming in rage at the slightest inconvenience, threatening to murder someone over nothing, constantly belittling everyone around him in a “funny” manner, etc. When fans talk about development of a manga character as archetypal and extreme as Bakugo, most don’t really want to see significant change to his base personality. Because then that would result in someone who doesn’t look like the “real” Bakugo: someone nicer, more even-tempered, more mature, etc. But for those of us who were never drawn to that personality in the first place, the continued acceptance of his rude, egotistical, and violent behavior is discomforting. The easiest comparison I can draw is between this and Bakugo’s mother slapping him. That slap is meant to be another “joke”—we see it constantly in shonen anime, something "humorous" you shouldn’t take too seriously because haha, it's just an overprotective mother—but many fans do take it seriously, using it as the basis for a whole “Bakugo was abused and this explains his behavior” reading. Well, I take the “joke” of Bakugo’s threats and insults seriously, especially in a story that starts with something like telling Izuku to jump off the roof. In the same way that many fans want others to treat Bakugo’s mother as a serious topic that has had a negative influence on his development, I want the series to take Bakugo’s everyday actions seriously as a negative influence on… well, everyone around him. But it doesn’t. His base personality is grudgingly adored.

The above two points are seen most overtly in Izuku, who never wavers in his respect for Bakugo despite how Bakugo treats him. Not just prior to U.A., but during their training too. Izuku, as the protagonist, is the emotional heart of this tale, so when he talks about how inspiring Bakugo is, it encourages the reader to see his behavior as inspiring too. Rather than, as said, something that needs to change. Izuku's continued friendship with Bakugo, his adoration of him, and his acceptance of the way he's treated has severely warped how the entire story sees Bakugo's actions. After all, if #pure Izuku can see the good in Bakugo, why can't everyone else? He must not be that bad after all.

I could get into detailed analyses of all the above—like how Bakugo was the one comforted after attacking Izuku outside the dorms at night and how the messed up relationship he has with Izuku is upheld as something to nurture; how the remedial courses he had to take were made to be rather silly, thereby undermining their supposed importance to his development; how Bakugo’s kidnapping had nothing to do with his flaws, but much of the fandom uses it as a way to dismiss any appropriate consequences because, “Hasn’t he suffered enough?” etc.—but in the interest of keeping this within a readable length, I’ll leave it at that. The point is that Bakugo has always been privileged when it comes to his behavior, resulting in others either outright praising it, ignoring it, or demanding that he change a miniscule bit, which always keeps him far below the standards of both his peers and the expectations of a hero. Everyone in 1-A must learn to be even better than the good people they already are... Bakugo needs to learn that other people aren't dirt at the bottom of his shoes. It's never been a particularly impressive development when pit against the rest of the class. All of which can make something like an apology feel pretty hollow. Yes, he’s apologized and I say with all seriousness that that’s great! But how does that apology stack up against 300+ chapters of content? As Bakugo’s words highlight, he's been a really awful person up "until now": he was consumed by Izuku being “miles ahead of [him],” he “looked down on [him]” because he didn’t have a quirk, he “didn’t want to recognize that,” he “hated that,” “grew distant,” “tried to beat you down,” “opposed you and tried to show my superiority over you,” and ends it all with, “it probably doesn’t mean anything telling you all this” before finally getting to the “I’m sorry.” This is basically a laundry list of how horrible a person Bakugo has been for the entire series, with an acknowledgement that this apology is coming really, really late. This is the moment where I could START to like Bakugo, depending on how he acts form here on out, but that pivotal moment arrived after six years of content and in the final arc of the story. It’s too late. Bakugo needed this kind of self-reflection and positive action 250+ chapters ago so he could (hopefully) grow into a better person across the story, not at the story's end. What we got instead is 322 chapters of him being a really horrible person, but the story going out of its way to excuse or even praise that behavior the majority of the time.

As a quick comparison to end on, I think what Bakugo needed was what Soo Jin got in True Beauty. You don’t need to have seen the drama to follow along. The tl;dr is that she has a lot of the core qualities of Bakugo: an all-consuming drive to win that was created due to abusive parents with high expectations, resulting in her bullying a peer to a pretty horrific extent. The difference between them is how the story frames their actions. When Soo Jin becomes the bully she loses everything. Rather than succeeding academically, her grades plummet, making it clear that this anxiety and self-doubt (things the fandom keeps insisting Bakugo is struggling with, but that rarely ever show up in the text) is actually impacting her day-to-day life. Her best friend drops her because she’s not going to support her choices. The boy she likes rejects her. She’s eventually forced to start over somewhere new - which importantly separates her from the girl she was bullying - and get some distance from her parents, resulting in the growth needed to become a healthier, happier, good person again. So when Soo Jin apologizes to the girl she hurt, it feels earned. The story continually recognized how horrific her actions were and put her into a place where she either had to change, or continue losing at everything else that was important to her. Bakugo? Bakugo doesn’t lose. Oh, he claims he does because he’s comparing himself to Izuku constantly, but that’s just him thinking in extremes. He still wins academically. Still wins many battles. Still wins at having friends. Still wins by maintaining the prestige of being a U.A. student. Still wins by getting All Might’s attention. Still wins by receiving Izuku’s respect and an agreement to maintain this rivalry that Bakugo is so obsessed with. Bakugo comes out well 99% of the time, he just thinks he's "lost" because he can't stand not being the absolute best.

For me, the story needed to have Bakugo face consequences for his behavior, not receive rewards and/or have others ignore it, and that revelation/apology needed to come way, way sooner. For me the issue is not a specific action that Horikoshi can have Bakugo do in the next chapter and them bam, I like him now. The problem is Bakugo’s entire concept, how he’s received by the entire cast, and his run across this entire series. "Entire" is the key word there. Which is why the “But he’s apologized. What more do you antis want?” reactions don’t sit well. What we wanted is a better written redemption arc across those 300+ chapters, not a single scene that’s meant to have us forget all the other problems inherent in the story. At this point it’s a far more complicated situation than, “Bakugo just needs to do X, Y, and Z and then we’re golden.” At the end of the day, Horikoshi failed to make me like him as a person and I’m pretty sure he isn’t going to change Bakugo enough to make him likable to me. Bakugo was never the sort of character I’d be inclined towards without a serious, nuanced redemption arc, but sadly, a core, crucial part of that redemption arc took six years to arrive. At this point there’s no way to change the problems in Bakugo’s writing for that huge chunk of the series and not enough time left in the series, it seems, to do the work we should have seen across the entire run. Honestly, idk if the Bakugo we'll get going forward is someone I can just dislike as opposed to being really uncomfortable with, but my money is on there being too little story left and too much investment in upholding Bakugo's base personality for that to happen. I could absolutely be proven wrong! But I think the problems are structural and needed to be better dealt with from page one, not hastily patched over in the final hour.

[awesomerextyphoon]

Home for Christmas

This is my first entry for the wonderful @navybrat817​, @stargazingfangirl18​, and @donutloverxo​’s Happy Hoelidays Challenge!

Pairing: Chubby!Bucky x Black!Reader (Fem)

Summary: You got screwed this holiday season. Thankfully, someone decided to give you a break.

Rating: 18+/Explicit

Word Count: 2,211

Warning: Unprotected Smut (wrap it before you tap it!), Oral (f and m receiving), Fluff, Angst, Talks of Anxiety

A/N:  Not gonna lie, I feel a little intimidated by all of the amazing writers participating. So let me throw my hat into the ring, so to speak. Dividers are by the lovely @firefly-graphics​. Check them out!

Back to Masterlist

“You have until the end of the month.”

“Okay, thanks.” You could barely keep your voice together you were so distraught.

You lost your job and your apartment all in the same week. You had used up most of your savings paying your grandmother’s medical bills. Your anxiety had gone through the roof since you got the pink slip yesterday. Now, six weeks till Christmas, you have to ask (beg) your friends if you can couch surf until you can get back on your feet.

You told your therapist that your anxiety had spiked to uncomfortable levels. You could barely sleep at night and you’ve had trouble concentrating on simple tasks. It felt like the world was closing in and you were helpless to stop it.

You hoped that something would give.

  Bucky was coming back from an outing with Sam when he spotted you fumbling with your keys with tears streaming down your face.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Startled, you swiveled your head, “Oh Bucky! How are you?”

“I’m fine. So, do you want to talk?”

Your lower lip quivered and the dam broke,” I lost my job yesterday, all my savings went to my aunt’s medical bills, and my landlord said I have to leave at end of the month!” you sobbed as Bucky pulled you in for a hug.

“Shh, it’s okay.” Bucky cooed as he rubbed circles onto your back.

“It’s not, but thanks.” you choked out trying to compose yourself.

It would seem that fate thought it right to mock him today. Brock got another compliment for his work and the love of his life was about to be on the streets.

Though Bucky shouldn’t be surprised that you knew next to nothing about his feelings with him being too cowardly to tell you. They first came ten months ago at a get-together Sam roped him into attending. He was enraptured by your kindness and sharp wit, plus it didn’t hurt that you were breathtakingly beautiful and your cookies were heavenly. The two of you quickly became friends going to movies, museums, and adult arcades. You were exceedingly kind and understanding even when Bucky showed you his prosthetic arm.

He wanted to go further, but he didn’t want to ruin his friendship with you.

Though, maybe…

“I was wondering, would you like to stay at my apartment ‘til you get back on your feet? It has three bedrooms and two bathrooms so you won’t be ‘invading or unwelcome’. I know you’re thinking about it.”

“But what about the re-”

“No. It’s fine. You said it yourself. You need to rest and regroup.” He was going to be fine, he was the CTO of SHIELD Inc. Both Steve and Sam have stated that he should move to a condo or a penthouse, but he’s glad that he never listened.

You nodded your head and sighed,” Okay.”

Bucky grinned, “Good. Though it’s not for free. Your payment will be in your ‘out of this world’ cooking.”

You giggled, “It’s a deal!”

  You moved in three days later. It was delightful to not have the threat of financial instability peering over your shoulder.

It didn’t take long for you to settle into a routine. You woke up around 7 AM, did some exercises and meditation, made breakfast, had a nice conversation w/Bucky, did some job searching, researched different recipes to try out, baked some desserts for Bucky to share with his team, cook dinner, had a nice chat w/Bucky over dinner and wine, and Bucky would do clean up with a movie.

Both Bucky and your therapist noticed your dramatic increase in your mental and emotional health.

Your aunt noticed how serene you looked when finally had the chance to visit her. She also teased you about Bucky and how cute the two of you would look.

You deflected your aunt in good jest, but she was not wrong. You had started to see Bucky in a new light. He was devastatingly handsome, sexy even. He was tall (6’3” / 1.9m), broad shoulders and muscular arms that you always loved to be enveloped in, eyes like the Mediterranean after a storm, luxurious dark Chestnut brown that was delightful to the touch, and a soft, protruding belly that was perfect for cuddling (though Bucky was insecure about it though). He was your own giant teddy bear who you would love to love (and fuck).

Maybe the two of you could be something more.

  “You have to tell her, Buck.”

Bucky groaned internally at yet another one of Steve’s interventions. He hasn’t been able to focus at work since you’ve moved in with him. Sam was constantly calling him out on it, and now Steve has weighed in on the issue.

“C’mon, you need to let her know how you feel. Otherwise, you’re taking advantage of her spectacular cooking and baking skills.” Sam exclaimed while biting into a Levain Style Toffee Crunch Cookie.

Bucky knew that he should say something. He was planning on telling you on Christmas Eve about the gift he bought you last week.

Now, all he needed was courage.

“She probably feels the same way, Bucky. There’s no way she would’ve stayed with you this long if she didn’t like you.” Sam added while going for his third Salted Caramel Brownie.

“I know. It’s just that she deserves someone better.”

Steve scoffed, “For fuck’s sake, man! You are smart, caring, and funny! Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You have a lot to offer!”

Bucky gave Steve a smile, “Thanks, Stevie.”

“Sure. Now move over, I want some of those brownies.”

  Christmas Eve dinner was going well.

You were able to visit your aunt two days prior to which she teased you about Bucky yet again. You didn’t dare to bring up the sex dreams and times you masturbated in the shower wishing it was Bucky giving you such sensations.

You were biting into your teriyaki-glazed salmon when Bucky cleared his throat, “What’s wrong?” you asked.

“I’ve been such a coward,” Bucky uttered.

You put down your utensils, “Bucky-”

“No. I-I love you.”

What?

“I’ve loved you since that get together ten months ago,” You smiled at the memory,” I saw this kind, funny, beautiful woman who was amazing and was willing to put up with a loser like me. I know that I’m not in your league-”

You stood up,” Bucky, you’re not a coward and you’re not a loser. You have been nothing but kind and understanding this last few weeks. You let me stay with you when I was barely hanging on financially. You’ve respected my space without expecting anything in return. I know I’m not the best roommate, but-”

You were cut off by Bucky enveloping you in a tight hug, “Thank you,” he breathed.

Glancing up at him, you whispered, “I love you too.”

Bucky gathered his courage and captured your lips in a searing kiss. The kiss sent a bolt of electricity throughout your body. After a few moments, you pulled away and licked your lips in excitement.

“May I kiss you again?”

“Please.”

  The two of you were a tangled mess of limbs once you reached his bedroom. Bucky ripped off your top and chuckled at your attempt to cover yourself,” You have nothing to be ashamed of, sweetheart.”

You backed onto the bed with a grin, unable to hide your giddiness as Bucky’s eyes darkened with lust and the look on his face was not unlike that of an apex predator.

Bucky took things slow, wanting to savor this moment. He worked you from top to bottom at an agonizingly slow pace. Soft, open-mouthed kisses marked his path smirking in pride at the sound of your moaning and squirming with each caress.

“Bucky please,” you begged as Bucky made his way to your chest.

Bucky tutted in response, “Let me adore you, love,” as he covered your breasts with hickeys, pinching and sucking your nipples, relishing the sounds of your moaning and mewling. He smirked at your praises as he made his way to your stomach.

He made sure to give your midsection extra love and care, “Utter perfection,” Bucky murmured as he kissed a stretch mark near your hipbone. Your heart soared at the declaration. You’ve never had a partner who complimented you let alone give you the time of day let alone a partner who actually put your needs first.

And in such a delicious manner.

Bucky was about to go in on your thighs when you stopped him,” Please, let me,” you panted as you got off the bed and undid his belt. You bit your lower lip once you got back his boxers.

He was a lot bigger than you thought.

“You sure about this, doll?” Bucky asked amusedly taking in your raised eyebrows and a sly grin.

Nodding eagerly, you laid your head in his awaiting lap and gave his dick an open-mouthed kiss followed by a long, slow lick to his weeping tip.

You were careful not to go too deep, not wanting a repeat of that one Spring Break. “Fuck, doll,” Bucky praised as you worked his dick like a lollipop. You alternated between playing with his balls and sucking on what you could fit in your mouth.

Bucky bellowed when you lightly scraped him with your teeth. He never thought that someone like you would give him the time of day. Ever since Bucky left the Army, it seemed that no one would even look at him, even before they knew about the prosthetic left arm. He was about to give up all hope of finding anyone who accepts him when you came into his life. You were his light, but you were not afraid to be imperfect. He could be vulnerable with you in a way that he has never been with anyone, even Stevie.

You continued your ministrations for a couple more minutes until Bucky gently tugged your hair, “Sorry doll, I won’t make it if keep workin’ me like this, and I want to give you my first gift this evening.”

You pouted but relented as Bucky motioned you back to the bed. You parted your legs and moaned when Bucky gave your slit a long, slow lick after kissing and nipping your inner thighs.

“Better than any baked good. Fuck! I could get addicted to this!” You giggled at the statement loving the praise.

Bucky attacked your folds with a masterfully executed battle plan. He switched between licking and sucking your clit with insane precision, scissoring your folds with his thick fingers (sometimes metal ones), and playing with your juices.

You were on Cloud Nine. Each of his movements sent wave after wave of euphoria throughout your body. Bucky’s tongue and fingers made your hair stand on end and bolts of electricity shot through your veins and danced along your skin. You grabbed a fistful of his luxurious hair and arched your back towards him.

“Come for me, sweetheart,” Bucky rumbled.

The dam broke.

“Bucky!” you shouted as Bucky lapped up your juices and crawled up to caress your face.

“You sure you want this, doll?” Bucky asked.

“Please Bucky,” You begged as he pushed himself into you inch by inch pausing once he filled you.

“So fucking tight!” Bucky breathed huskily.

“Bucky. I. Need. You.” You murmured between kisses to his neck and jaw. He started out at a slow pace, making sure you were used to his size but he intensified his thrusts once you began moaning in pleasure and begged him to go harder.

Each thrust hit you just right, sending you higher and higher, but Bucky made sure not to send you over the edge (not yet). He decided to add to your sweet, sweet torture by kissing your neck, shoulders, and collarbone. You didn’t know how much you could take, but at the same time, you didn’t want to end.

Thankfully, Bucky heard your mental pleas. He worked your clit and you came with another shout as he nipped the juncture between your neck and collarbone. Bucky came soon after with a primal roar.

Laying on Bucky’s bed and looking out the window, you saw a thick yet gentle snowfall. You were about to make a nice (if not a little snarky) Christmas remark when you felt a weight on your chest. Casting your eyes downward you found a silver snowflake on a thick silver chain with sapphires in the middle and on each of its six points. It was beautiful.

You nearly swiveled your head in shock. “Bucky you di-”

Bucky caressed your cheek and kissed you, “You’ve been so kind to me since we’ve met and I wanted to give you something as wonderful as you.”

“Well, since you put that way. I guess you’ll have to wait until tomorrow for your present.” you teased.

Bucky snaked his right arm around your midsection, “It might not be ‘til Noon at best. I’m gonna need another round.” he crooned as he kissed your neck.

Part of you wondered what the hell all those people were thinking when they didn’t give Bucky a second glance. Well, it matters not. Bucky was yours and you would be damned before you let him go.

Taglist: @giorno-plays-piano​ @lookiamtrying​ @jtargaryen18​ @sapphirescrolls​ @jobean12-blog​ @sweeterthanthis​ @gotnofucks​ @mculibrary​ @saiyanprincessswanie​ @golden-ariess​ @navegandoaciegas​ @stargazingfangirl18​ @opheliadawnwalker3​ @tilltheendwilliwrite​ @imanuglywombat​ @bucky-the-thigh-slayer​ @navybrat817​ @anyatheladyclown​ @buckysbunny​ @nacho-bucky​ @donutloverxo​ @stephanieromanoff​ @threeminutesoflife​ @angrybirdcr​ @angrythingstarlight​ @chixkencxrry​ @hurricanerin​ @marvelfansworld @the-soulofdevil​ @captain--barnes​ @drabblewithfrannybarnes​ @thebanprincess​ @winteralpine​ @leslie2898​ @buttercandy16​ @propertyofpoeandbucky​ @hevans-angel

[kiwi-the-first]

The Best Lover In The Parsec

Oneshot

Pairing: Din Djarin x GN!Reader

Fandom: Star Wars/The Mandalorian

CW: Fluff oh gods so much fluff, *slaps roof of the fic* this baby can fit so much yearning in it! Salt bae angst action, guest appearance of one(1) line of having the word "making love" and including one corny joke.

TW: mention of near death experience,self loathing,body image issues,canon-typical violence.

A/N: I keep mentioning it, this is my first piece of fanfiction writing. So I really really hope you guys like it. I am scared shitless. Never thought I'd ever write this but 2020 said fuck it you're writing fanfics now. Special thanks all of my writer friends for encouraging,helping and inspiring me everyday into making this happen. Iysm!

Enjoy!

- Kiwi

Masterlist

You.

He didn't know what to do with you.

He couldn't explain what you made him feel.

He couldn't explain how you made him feel.

But he knew the answers, he knew the words to describe it. He knew the scent of you and the dreamy sigh that escapes him everytime,he enters the fresher after your shower. 

He knew the sound of your voice and how it soothes his longing soul and fills in for the silence of the crest, or "home" as you liked to call it.

How he instantly melted after hearing you speak his name for the first time.

You knew it was sacred due to his creed but he had insisted that he trusted you well enough to tell you.

“Din Djarin?” you asked and he nodded. 

“What a beautiful name” you smiled.

He breathing hitched and swore to the Mythosaur he never saw anything as pure as that. Well maybe the kid but he was your foundling so of course.

You two are the most precious purposes to him.

Your eyes, so beautiful that he couldn't stop looking at them, a colour picked by nature itself and poured in by artists. Filled with a cacophony of emotions he willingly drowned into.

He knew the curves and nicks of your body.

You trusted him,let him be near you and patch you up when needed. He knows your loathing regarding it,knows the borderline ambiguity and acceptance you have towards loving yourself.

He knows how you confine yourself in the mere image of a fighter.

He knows it well because he does it too. Still he thinks that you manage to be kinder than he could ever be.

You. He keeps falling for you. Deeper and deeper in an infinite pit of ecstasy that most would call love. 

You're all on his mind lately. Still he doesn't know what to do.

--

He knew your actions.

He knew how you fight, how you patch him up,how you show your affection in silent gestures. Ways you cradle the kid and play little games with him but also scold him when it’s needed. The way his chest tightens with that one particular feeling, seeing the two of you like that.

The three of you are safe,laughing just enjoying each other’s presence and looking like a perfect family,an aliit.

Everytime he associates the word with you two he feels a wave of calmness crash over him.

But he’d be lying if it also didn’t make him want to be disintegrated by his own pulse rifle. It was too much how you constantly took care of the two of them.

How you silently admire him when you think he's looking at the stars. When in reality he's looking at you.

He’s always looking at you, looking out for you two.

But do you feel it too? He doesn't have the courage to ask.

He never did. He'd die a thousand different deaths as a coward than be left alone without you beside him.

Your soul, the purest most perfect thing to him deserves someone better. That is what he constantly told himself.

He never intended to be vulnerable with a stranger yet there you were and here he was. But only you weren't a stranger,not anymore. 

If he hadn't known any better he would go as far as calling you his soulmate. Silly it may seem.

A big,bad Mandalorian bounty hunter believing in soulmates, but it was the truth.

You're the one holding his heart. But still he doesn't know what to do.

--

But then it changed, years of travelling together and months on the run raising the little green bean whom you both love and protect with your entirety. Maybe this was where it all ended.

He has been in bad situations before, true. But death was something he never thought he'd have to possibly greet in front of you.

 He first noticed your eyes, all the other emotions were set aside as they made room for fear and hopelessness of losing him. Your pretty lips that he always craved to kiss were trembling as you held him close to you.

One hand holding his as tightly as possible while the other cradled under his neck.

He knew he should've told you, he wanted to, desperately. But surely, he couldn't do it now...right? You didn't deserve a last moment declaration of love but lose said lover and live in vain for the rest of your life.

But the maker played him again. Surprise!surprise! He didn’t die.

After the chaos and dangers were all done, the three of you left Nevarro, and the crest jumped into hyperspace he started to prepare himself.

You barely spoke to him as you were down in the hull with the kid.

After you tucked in the kid in the sleeping compartment and came to the cockpit to sit down he started preparing.

He didn't know how much time had passed but he was still silent and...well he scoffed at himself, still ‘’preparing’’.

But suddenly you got up from your seat, fumbling a little, clearly trying to say something.

"I need to talk to you" his entire body froze. 

Whatever it was, it scared him. He felt nauseous all of a sudden.

"...about today". 

Oh, his anxiety got the best of him. He was always the rusher and in the moment of weakness he couldn't control himself.

"Mando I think you shou-"

"I'm in love with you" he felt his voice slightly crack.

--

You blinked once,twice, mouth slightly agape. Tears started pooling in your eyes…

Shit shit shit shit it wasn't supposed to happen like this!!!

You were probably telling him how you'd much rather be without him and be safe far away from him and he fucked it all up.

Again he was gonna ruin something because he had no self restraint.

He was confused when you lurched your body to his chest, hugged him tightly and started sobbing.

Was this normal? When a person wants to leave you they don't do thi-

He heard your shaky voice let out a breath and then a

"I love you too" 

Huh?

Oh- 

OH!

He could faint right now. He could die and be alive again. If someone told him to befriend a jedi right now he would. 

It took him a while to process your words,probably because of that brain injury IG informed him about, he thought to himself. 

He was irrevocably happy.

Just...happy...and sated, but he also felt like someone ran over him with a mudhorn.

You loved him. You loved him.

You loved him back.

You-

--

He looks down at you. Sleeping silently curled up against him, holding him close.

This has been like that ever since. 

Ever since you both declared that all those touches were indeed electrocuting,that all those late night heart-to-hearts weren't just conversations to pass the time,how he longed to take your hands in his. 

Or how you wanted to take off his kriffing helmet so that you could see his eyes and what they hid, or kiss his lips yet you resisted.

It’s been a while, he thinks.

Since you settled down for your happy ending...or was it a beginning? He likes to think it's a little bit of both.

It was something he'd never thought he'd have. Since you learnt that the kid’s people were gone. Since the kid truly became your own in every sense.

But frankly if he was being honest Din didn’t ever want to give him away and neither did you. Your son,your Ad’ika. You now had the privilege to call him that with the permission from The Armorer.

Since your Riduurok.

Since he was allowed to take off his helmet and finally, you finally got to let your emotions run free.

To finally see his face and hold him close. To feel his lips and his warmth. 

The memory of your tears of unsung victory and joy still elevates his heartbeat.

Since you had made love and you laughed at his messed up curls in the morning after.

"Thanks for letting me in" you kissed his knuckles and he sighed contently.

"You did too" you furrowed your brows "I-"

"Literally" he winked, "oh? waiT YOU- EWW!!!" he was laughing hard as he dodged the pillow you threw at him.

"And to think! Your'e a responsible father!"

"Make a pervy joke again and I'll murder you" you grumbled. You kept laughing in each other's arms as he held you close

He still chuckles at the memory.

Now baby didn’t mind having a stable life with his buirs either.

You sighed in your sleep. The morning lights were seeping in through the slightly opened windows.

Sunbeams slowly making their ways into the room and enveloping your bodies. 

Your eyes crinkled in your sleep and you mumbled something and cuddling closer to him, if that were possible.

The kid will be up soon too and the thought alone makes him smile.

Yet another day with the two of you.

It was a free day for both of you and between your magnificent existence and snorting at Ad’ika running around,babbling and being the cutest menace. He knew he’d survive.

He looks down at you again and he's reminded of all the things that he loves about you. 

Now including how much you also love him. He could feel your heart beat,it is the best genre of music to him.

He felt the warmth again, not from the sunlight but from his infinite loop of affection for you.

“Ner Ali’it” he called you.

He'll bask in this for as long as you'd allow him and gladly, you promised to allow him forever.

He may be the best bounty hunter in the parsec but he never tried to be the best lover.

He simply couldn't!

For that title already had an owner,

You.

----------------

TAGS: @dindjarindiaries

@spacegayofficial

@lady-of-nightmares-and-heartache

@dindjarinsleftvambrace

@mitchi-c

@the-real-xhorse

@hdlynn

@deafmandalorian

@cheesecake-madness

@duchessnibenhu-ofpyromania

@oloreaa

:)

[amidstsaltandsmoke]

Drabble challenge- 46 and maybe extra angsty please 🥲🥲🥲

Hiiiiiii! Ok, I don't think that I really pulled off the EXTRA angsty, but there IS angst involved!😆 Then I had to throw in the hurt/comfort/fluff. I also changed up the quote a little bit, I hope you don't mind! This is from an unnamed universe I'm currently working on 😌🥰 Hope you like!!!! Thanks for the ask! 🤗🤗🤗 ________________________________________________ 46.) “I thought you were dead!”

Jon was losing his damn mind.

Dany never went this long without responding to his texts and calls, especially when he was out of state for work and he only had technology to rely on to reach her. He wasn't possessive by nature, but ever since learning of her sometimes fragile condition - to which she insisted was not the case - he couldn't and wouldn't dare let his protectiveness be put by the wayside.

She was too important to him, and he really didn't know what he would do without her. Couldn't even begin to outline a picture of what his life would even look like without her right by his side in it.

He'd left the project early so he could return to the rental house and try her again. His boss had all but tossed him off the property by the hem of his pants because he'd been not only obsessively checking and rechecking his phone, but he was far too distracted and had already nearly drilled his thumb into a roof.

It was all in support, however - his boss knew Jon well, and understood the situation, and wouldn't sack him just because he loved his wife so hard it made him physically ill to think she might be in some form of danger. He didn't even care if she'd suffered a paper cut. He'd disinfect and bandage the shit out of that, too.

Gods, he was just as bad as her father had been, wasn't he? The very hovery, constantly-looking-over-shoulder person that Dany loathed and grew up with. He tried not to be, and most times he was successful. But he also wasn't typically eight hours away, halfway across the country, either.

He paced the living room, the other line just ringing and ringing with no answer. Her silky voice in the form of her voicemail passed through his ear again, and he sighed heavily. "Dany, I don't know what's goin' on, but you're really freaking me out. I'm sure you'll have my head when you see all the missed calls and messages...but please just let me know you're ok. You can send me the middle finger emoji for all I care. Love you more than anything. Bye."

Thumbing the red "END" button, he chewed on his lip and looked around the mostly-barren room, save for his suitcase which was still packed with his clothes. Tomorrow was the last day he needed to be here before flying back home...how crazy would it be to catch that night's red eye, anyway? And how livid would Dany be that he ditched this huge contract at the tail end?

His heart was made up before he could even try to rationalize it.

"Davos? I'm gonna take off...it's not like her to-," he chuckled nervously, while Davos commanded him to 'say no more and go get your girl'. "Thanks, mate. I'll keep you updated."

He wasn't sure Davos wanted to know any more than whether or not he found Dany safe and sound with all of the sulking he'd been doing the last several days.

Jon gathered up his toiletries from the bathroom in one hand, while his other was busy weaving around the airline website to book the soonest flight. To his relief, there was one in an hour and a half, which would give him just enough time to call for a rideshare and zoom his way over with thirty minutes to spare.

After the typical hell that was the airport and boarding process, plus the hole he burned through his credit card in just two hours alone (beyond worth it), he was in the air. Another torture was the distance; he managed to get himself a nonstop flight and shaved off two hours but still…

Naturally, he refused to sleep. His phone was clutched in his hand so the moment he landed, he could check it to see if he’d gotten any responses.

No luck.

He rushed through baggage and had already scheduled his next rideshare prior to his flight. Now that he was in his homeland and a mere twenty minutes from home, the anxiety and nausea were really setting in, the what-ifs and the endless possibilities; he wouldn’t know what he’d do if she wasn’t at the house…

When they pulled up, he was flooded with relief to see that her car was in the driveway, had he couldn’t have grabbed his luggage and get to the front door fast enough. He rifled for his keys and jammed it into the lock, Ghost’s howls instant and persistent until he got the door open and he whined upon seeing Jon walk through.

“Hey boy,” he greeted quietly, giving him a few good scruffs before haphazardly dumping his stuff on the floor and locking up behind him. He paused and strained his ears, exhaling when he heard the shower running upstairs.

Once he was in the conjoining bedroom, Ghost hot on his heels, he took his time shedding some layers and kicking off his shoes. On the nightstand sat a brown paper bag, folded shut, which was a little odd, but everything appeared to be in normal order. Their regular things skewed about as it was when they were there, Dany’s pajamas laid out on her side of the bed.

As he was going through his drawers to find some pajama pants, the bathroom door opened and he spun on his heel, just to confirm that she was there, safe and in the flesh.

A gust of air gasped into her mouth, her hand flying to her towel-clad chest as she jumped backward. “Seven hells! You scared the life out of me!” She breathed, her cheeks pink from the warm shower and damp hair tumbling about her shoulders. Even just the good-natured joke made him wince; it was the dormant worry that had been on his mind for hours now.

Then, a fond smile came over her face. “You’re home early.”

He was exhausted, and maybe that was why he couldn’t find it in him then to be playful, his brows twisting and her face falling a fraction. “You didn’t answer my texts or calls,” he said as gently as he could, but the fatigue was evident in his tone.

Dany blinked, then crossed her arms over herself, but she was still trying to keep it light. “Missi and I went on an impromptu girls’ vacation after my test and...,” she paused and stepped over to the mysterious paper bag, rustled her hand in it, then withdrew her phone and wiggled it, “dropped it into a pool.”

Jon took a moment to himself to shuck off his jeans and slip into his pajamas. He didn’t want to admit it...didn’t want to give her the ‘w’ word, but they were honest to the bone with one another. It was just how they programmed. He was still a little cowardly, avoiding her eyes when he said it. “I was worried sick about you.”

He heard her huff, and finally lifted his eyes to get a read on her. Clearly she was irritated, but not entirely furious. “There was nothing to worry about, Jon. I was stupid and dropped-”

“Not stupid,” he chided, cutting her a stern look. She was anything but.

Now she rolled her eyes. “It was only a little over a day; I didn’t think it was such a big deal if I just waited until I got home to try and fix it. All the stores were closed by the time I got in. And it was only a little over two days,” she defended.

Slowly, Jon frowned, and it grew deeper by the second. “A lot can happen in a little over two days, Dany,” he stated, tossing his jeans into the hamper in the closet.

“What did you expect had even happened?” She laughed humorlessly, getting more agitated by the second. Then she buried her phone back in the bag, which he now realized was full of rice, and disappeared into the bathroom, returning with her hair brush and began to detangle the damp knots.

He grit his teeth, fists clenching and loosening at his sides. “I don’t know, Dany, but I always get this terrible feeling in my gut after a period of time passes and I don’t hear from you,” his voice rose a hair. “I know you don’t want to hear it, and it’s bloody ridiculous on my end, but it kills me that I can’t turn it off. I worry when you’re at work, when you do a grocery run and I’m not there…,” he huffed and shook his head, running his hands down his face and briefly hiding behind them. He was overwrought with jet lag and lack of sleep and emotions on high, but he’d opened the floodgates now.

“Well, I’m not a fragile piece of glass that needs to be in a bubble day in and day out,” she returned, “or maybe I am, who knows! But I don’t want to be thought of that way. You know that. It makes me feel worse about myself and what I’m capable of and gives me heightened anxiety. I worry when you worry and it’s a vicious cycle!”

Closing his mouth, he forced himself to inhale a lungful of air through his nose, releasing it between his lips. “I do know. But it’s how I’m wired; I can’t help it sometimes.” Dropping his arms to his sides, he sighed. Gods, of course she wasn’t fragile. She was, far and away, the strongest woman, the toughest human being he’d ever had the pleasure of knowing let alone sharing a life with. He made it a point to remind her of that every single day, with all sincerity. She was the best thing that could have ever happened to him, bar none. Some days he wondered how and why he’d gotten so damn lucky, such as now. He was doing the very thing he swore he wouldn’t. Her father had been overbearing enough. And it wasn’t all-consuming always, but sometimes his nerves got the best of him.

Dany’s eyes narrowed. “Did you think I died or something?”

The dagger twisted in his stomach once more. “That’s where the worst of my thoughts went, yes.”

With a hard look and silence, she went back into the bathroom. For a while there was nothing but the sound of her trying to feed her brush through her hair.

“Dany.”

“What?” She asked through her teeth.

Maybe he ought to give her time and space to breathe for a few minutes, but gods, he needed her so, so bad. Just to physically hold her and know she was safe and whole and unhurt, but also that he had made a colossal fuck-up. He’d seen the tears welling in her eyes before she could hide them away, and it broke him. He was a blistering idiot. She had texted him that her test came back normal, and yet here he was with frazzled, totally frayed nerves.

Dany had one too many brushes with death in her young life, and he knew how she felt about that, too.

He crossed the room and stopped at the threshold, discovering that she was having a hell of a time getting the tangles out, and her face was scrunched adorably. Without a word, he reached for the brush and took it from her. A little stubbornly, her arms fell to her sides, defeated. Jon parted her hair in half and twisted it up out of the way while he gently began with the under layers first.

He could feel her eyes burning through him in the mirror. “I’m sorry,” he murmured as he looked her straight in the eyes, his voice thick and gruff.

Wordlessly she spun around and curled her arms around his shoulders, nestling her face into his neck. In return, he secured her against him, nuzzling into her half dried hair and kissing the top of her head several times.

All of the fear seemed to evaporate off of his shoulders having her gathered up in his arms, grounding him, and maybe even herself. They stayed like that for a while before Jon moved them to the bedroom and he had her sit, then crawled up behind her on the bed to finish her hair. Nobody spoke for a time, but it wasn’t a tense silence, at least.

Once he finished, she reached back to squeeze his thigh, then stood to her feet and dropped her towel. Although his body reacted as it always did, it was evident that they both needed a good rest. He scooted to the edge of the bed and after she’d pulled on her silky sleep shorts, he motioned for her to lift her arms, and he slid on the matching top.

Before he could move again, she stepped between his legs and curled her arms around his head, holding him against her abdomen while he, happily, linked his arms around her middle and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, too,” she whispered. Softly, she hushed him when he made a sound to argue. “I wish I didn’t get so defensive. Maybe it’ll get better with time.”

Shifting his head, he planted his chin on her breast bone and peered up at her, while she gazed back down on him and raked her fingers through his hair. “I don’t want you to change, Dany. Not anything, not ever.”

She studied his face for a few beats, her other hand cradling one side before she leaned down to kiss him sweetly. Jon did not consider himself a religious man, but she was the closest thing to heaven that he could conjure up. Rolling back, he took her with him fully onto the bed as she squeaked, and situated them so he could lay beside her. There was barely any part of them that wasn’t touching, their limbs a tangled mess.

“And anyway…,” he smirked slyly, “S’kind of sexy when you put me in my place.”

She quirked one thick eyebrow, her index tracing over his facial features. He was seconds away from completely passing out, the heaviness looming over his eyes. “Is that so?”

“Mhm,” he conceded lazily, sliding his hand under her shirt to smooth over her warm back, her velvety skin a contrast against his worn hands and making her shiver under it. “How was your vacation?”

Dany pulled a face, lifting one shoulder. “Fun, but I bet I missed you more than you missed me.”

“I doubt that very much,” he croaked, blinking slowly now, but fighting it. “Has your boss ever thrown you out of your workplace for moping over your husband?”

“Jon!” She gasped, perfectly affronted and pinching his cheek.

He chuckled sleepily, then buried his face in her chest, kissing at the exposed skin there. “I think it did everyone a favor, honestly. And it was almost completed anyway, so…”

“So, you risked a job you adore and traveled eight hours unplanned, all because my arse was clumsy and let my phone go for a swim?”

“No,” he resurfaced from the warm haven of her skin, tilting his head up to see her properly, “because I love you. And don’t think I wouldn’t do it again,” he frowned in thought as an idea formed, “maybe we should get you one of those old people phones that you can wear like a necklace.”

Dany tossed her head back with a burst of laughter, and Ghost materialized on the bed to see what all the ruckus was about, until he decided he didn’t care anymore and stole Jon’s side of the bed. Jon grinned madly, rolling onto his back. Dany folded her arms over his chest while she caught her breath, her hair a silver curtain around them. “You wouldn’t dare,” she challenged quietly, leaning over to switch off the lamp, then curled herself around him completely, her breath tickling his cheek. “I love you so much,” she whispered, her hand returning to his face to caress.

The dull moonlight filtered in through the window, casting one half of her face in a faint blue. She pulled him closer and he poured all of his words and soul into his kiss, giving her a few small pecks afterwards. “I love you more than anything in this world, Daenerys.”

[strawberries-and-creame]

What about if Dave's s/o found out how Bro treat's him and one day kicks his ass and moves Dave into their place?

It isn’t exactly as requested but I hope you enjoy anyways ^_^

You had began to notice the different sizes of bruises on his limbs. When he would stretch and his shirt would rise, you could see reddened and purplish bruises to ones that were faded into yellow, showing previous ones.

You’d see how tired he appeared when you visited. The bags that were dark and heavy despite his dark, slight opaque shades did little to hide it from others that were close to him.

It wasn’t until Dave had seemed more stressed out that usual that you’d decided to ask him.

“Dave, what’s bothering you?”

He posture stiffened. “What do you mean?”

You swished around the remaining apple juice in your bottle. “You seemed stressed lately?” You said in almost suggestion. Trying to pry but not out right say it. “You also look tired, more so than usual.”

Dave squirmed slightly in his seat next to you. “Nah babe, I’m cool. Just haven’t been sleeping well, that’s all.” He dismissed you with a wave of his hand and very forced smile. “How about we play some video games?”

You frowned. “Dave…”

____________

It what been a few days since that evening, and now your worry had rose to unhealthy amounts.

Dave had avoided you since that night, and barely replied to texts that you sent.

You looked down to your phone and with an firm grunt you texted him quickly.

‘Dave I’m coming over. Now.’

Your pace to the high rise apartment was quick. Your thoughts heavy as you keyed in the code to the buildings entrance.

He’s never like this. He’s usually the one to text first and constantly at that. Your chats could go into the early hours of the morning sometimes.

The elevator seemed to be moving in half time while your sneakered foot tapped impatiently.

Why was he avoiding you? Did you do something wrong? Maybe you should have left well enough alone.

You pressed the button to his floor.

“Please be okay…” you whispered to yourself, the doors opening and you almost sprinted out them before they could open all the way.

You came to Dave’s apartment door and saw that it was unlocked. You decided to knock nonetheless before entering.

“Hello? Dave…? Mr.Strider? It’s Y/N.”

There was not a single person besides you in the entire apartment. Well you plus the countless puppets of Dave’s brother but you tried not to make eye contact.

You could hear something coming from the floor above you. Rats? It would have to be big freaking ones. Metal? Rats with knives? No that couldn’t be what it was.

You decided to investigate since Dave was no where to be found inside his home. You walked through his room, trying your best to not trip over the various cables on the ground that was hooked up to sound equipment and turntable.

You came to his open window and heard the sound of metal clashing and quickened footsteps coming from above more clearly.

“It’s a stretch but maybe they’re on the roof?” You said to yourself, already sticking a leg out the window to the staircase platform inches from the window sill.

As you made your ascent you stomach felt uneasy. Maybe as if you wouldn’t like what you found when you made it to the final step.

A familiar voice piqued your attention.

“Can’t abscond, bro.”

Dave’s older brother? Can’t abscond from what exactly?

You lifted yourself up to the final step and had to fight the gasp from escaping your lips at the scene you found.

Dave was panting heavily, in one hand one of the swords he kept in his room, the other was grabbing onto his side. His face was twisted in a combination of pain, fear, and anger.

He looked like he was about to fall right where he stood, his knees struggling to hold his weight above them. Which said just how bad he was seeing as how he didn’t weigh much at all.

Dave gave a loud grunt, forcing himself to a battle stance before running at his Bro with a strained battle cry. He pivoted the sword to face his older sibling head on, but was grabbed by his shirt and flung the way he had came.

His body skidded across the cement floor and came to a stop against one of the many air conditioner units for the building.

Bro walked to him slowly, his own sword still drawn at his side. His presence menacing to both Dave and yourself.

Dave seemed to shrink in on himself, arms already out in front of him. He brought them where they covered his head and his torso. “Bro… please. Can’t we stop for today?”

Before you could tell your body differently, it was already moving. Your legs spurred your body forward, sprinting towards the brothers.

Your lungs filled with air as you shouted almost helplessly. “Stop!! Mr. Strider, please!”

The two looked towards you almost instantly. One being stoic behind his shades, the other alarmed.

“Y/N what are you doing her-“ Your boyfriend began, his tone making your chest tighten with just how scared it sounded.

Before he could finish you brought yourself between the two, placing your arms around him from behind you, your front facing his brother. Your chest was heaving from sprinting and the anxiety that welded up inside you from the intense stare Bro was giving you.

“Mr. Strider, I’m I mean-“ you tried but cursed your tongues insolence. “Please, I don’t know what’s going on but can’t you stop for… today? Dave seems really hurt right now, and it’s getting late.”

You felt Dave’s body tense from his place behind you. You moved your hand to where it held one of his and gave a firm squeeze.

“Please Mr. Strider?” You pleaded, looking into the dark chasm of his sunglasses. If you had to beg, so be it. If it meant that Dave wasn’t getting the shit beat out of him, you would grovel.

Bro paused for a moment before sheathing his blade back into its holder. “It is late.” He replied in a low tone, placing Lil Cal on his shoulders. “We’ll go ahead and call it a day, Dave. Try to be with it next time.” He said, his eyes making their sight on the male behind you.

He then turned toward you. “Y/N, feel free and make yourself at home. I take it you’re here to see him?”

How could he act like he didn’t just beat the ever loving fuck out of his little brother?

You nodded stiffly, trying to not show the shakiness through your body. “Yes.”

He gave a small nod and without another word he jumped off the side of the building, but you could hear him on the staircase below.

A few moments passed in silence before you felt your knees give out and you landed on them with a soft sound. Your heart was still racing and you could hear it in your ears with every quicken breath you took.

Your turned on your knees and face Dave who would not make eye contact with you.

His normal stoic expression was plastered back on his beaten up face. His cheek a gnarly colored purple with his lip busted and blood pooling from the wound.

You didn’t even want to think about the injuries that you couldn’t see.

Words escaped you. What could you possible say to make everything that just happened seem like it didn’t? He got beaten to a pulp, by his own guardian. The person that was supposed to protect him.

You could see Dave’s eyes moving to steal a glance at you through the sun hitting his glasses. The red pools of his orbs made tour e/c ones start to water.

They screamed helpless behind the still expression he wore almost all the time. You knew that this instilled stoicism wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t often that he showed emotions, he had gone so long without them from such a young age, it was hard for him to break down those learned behaviors.

You’d do it for him, you’d let down your walls first.

Your eyes began to flood with tears, making their color shimmer against the sun that was now setting beside you.

“Y/N?” He questioned softly, a frown forming on his face. He raised a hand to try and place on yours. “H-Hey it’s okay, this stuff is normal at my house. Bro beat my ass, that’s all there is to it. I keep telling him I don’t want to be a hero, but he just doesn’t listen sometimes. I just wasn’t with it today.”

You instead flung your arms around him, wrapping him up in a tight embrace. You let out a sob. “This isn’t normal! None… none of this is normal.”

You squeezed him to your harder. You hoped and prayed that he could feel just how much you loved and cared for him with just how snug your arms were keeping him pressed against you.

“Getting the shit beat out of you isn’t normal! Having bruises all over your body isn’t normal! No one should have to worry about getting a beat down by their own family.”

You felt his body stiffen against you again, his hands pulling at your shirt from behind in fistfuls.

You pushed his head to your shoulder, locking your fingers in his soft locks. Your chest wavered as sobs erupted from your core for him. Tears streaked down your cheeks and you cried.

Dave’s shoulders sagged and he dropped his head on your shoulder and let you cry. Silently he too wove his fingers through your hair and comfortably stroked through them.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I’m sorry that you’re not safe. I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect you.” You chanted in between sobs into his shoulder.

You felt Dave let out a strained laugh, the bone crushing hug causing him some discomfort. “I’ll be okay. I promise, Y/N.”

Eventually you and him descended back into his room, and you helped bandage him up from his bed. A little uneven with some of the bandages, but it made you feel better that he was patched up.

He would be okay, because you decided from then on, that you would protect him. You would be his knight in shining armor if that’s what it took for him to be safe.

[irishseeeker]

                                       the story of us

summary:  Five times Kate Sheffield and Anthony Bridgeton were just friends and one time they were more.

find chapter 1 here or here

find chapter 2 here or here

find chapter 3 here or here

find chapter 4 here or here

---

chapter 5: part 1-I think I’ve seen this film before, and I didn’t like the ending.

Kate was sitting on Anthony’s couch, wearing a dinosaur hat and drinking a glass of wine.

A very normal thing for a twenty five year old to do on a Thursday night.

She had managed to get out of the office at a reasonable seven o’clock tonight, as opposed to her usual nine. Agatha Danbury, her boss and career idol, had pushed her out of the office and told her to go out and have a drink.

She never specified with whom, so a glass of white wine with Newton seemed perfectly acceptable.

She had expected Anthony to be home but he had texted her earlier that he wouldn’t be home until late.

That had become a common occurrence lately. He was definitely avoiding her. He sometimes never came home at all.

The anxiety was clawing at her, she wanted to know where he was and what he was doing but he kept his explanations vague and usually to do with work. More specifically, who he was doing. They had never been too intimate on the details of their sex lives but Kate couldn’t stop herself from wondering. He hadn’t brought anyone home in the two months she had lived here.

Was she in his way? This was his flat, after all. She had long overstayed her welcome and his disappearing act had confirmed that. Anthony would never tell her that, he was too good of a person and he really didn’t understand boundaries. Kate had clearly overstepped his.

Her thoughts had been confirmed when she had found a hotel key on the floor of their bathroom. It was still in its slip, the date written on the paper was only last week. Why would he stay at a hotel fifteen minutes away from his flat?

Kate knew why.

It wasn’t her.

She poured herself another glass of wine.

She was going to miss the flat.

Kate had slowly woven herself into his flat over the past two months. She had her favourite spot on the couch, the corner of the couch with the perfect view of the television. She had her favourite stool at the kitchen counter, where she could watch Anthony cook and feed Newton bits off her place. She knew Anthony’s morning routine so well she knew exactly what time to jump out behind the bathroom door to scare him.

Newton even had a favourite spot, amusingly in Anthony’s favourite armchair. He had spent a few thousand pounds on a gorgeous grey, L shaped sofa that could fit his whole family yet he always sat on the old, brown cracked leather plush armchair. Kate had found out a while ago it had been his dad’s old armchair, Violet had had it refurbished slightly and had given it to Anthony for his birthday this year.

Her first mistake was becoming too comfortable.

It was dangerous. She had let herself fall too deep into her fantasy and the dread of reality was slowly creeping up on her. This wasn’t real life. She was a twenty five year old woman hopelessly in love with her best friend who didn’t feel the same about her. He was letting her stay while she figured it out.

What was wrong with her? Kate had told herself after her first week staying here she would find somewhere to live. She felt guilty, invading Anthony’s space but he really hadn’t seemed to mind. If anything, he was encouraging it. He found something wrong with every single flat Kate had visited until she finally found the perfect one within her budget.

She had always worried that Anthony was lonely here since Simon had left. She knew he had been, he had spent more time at her flat in the last few months than he had since the day she moved in. Anthony was not someone who was used to being alone.

He probably didn’t want her here, he just wanted someone here. She was in the way now and if she stayed here any longer, it was just going to get worse. It felt like Anthony was deliberately avoiding her, he had barely been around lately and when he was, it was like it wasn’t really here. They had their moments, they always would-but something was wrong.

Kate had found excuse after excuse to delay moving out until she had woven a perfect web of her own downfall.

Her second mistake? That was moving in with her best friend who she was desperately in love with.

Kate was still right where she was when she was eighteen years old.

Hopelessly in love with Anthony Bridgerton and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

It had consumed her. It had become a part of her. She loved him like she took her first breath every morning. She loved him like when she made her first coffee of the morning, with a splash of milk and a tiny bit of sugar. She loved how he texted like he was your grandad, with perfect grammar and punctuation. He still asked her what emojis meant. She loved every single thing about him, even the things that drove her up the wall like his non-existent patience and how he left his plates and mugs always in the sink instead of putting them into the dishwasher.

She just loved Anthony Bridgerton.

Kate had been doing it for eight years and she was so good at it.

It was almost sweet, if it wasn’t so tragic.

It wasn’t logical. It wasn’t practical. Despite him being her best friend, Anthony had always been clear about his stance on relationships. He didn’t do them. He hadn’t since his disastrous one with Siena. Whenever someone mentioned love or marriage, his face would turn into a stony expression and his upper lip would curl in slight disgust.

He didn’t want that.

Kate did, she desperately did-but she wanted it with him.

Her new flat would be ready in two weeks, the owner was still finishing renovations. In two weeks, she would move out of his flat and possibly tell Anthony she was in love with him.

Would the truth set her free? Or would it just cause her to lose Anthony forever?

Kate heard the front door close, snapping her out of her inner hell and it was followed by a few swear words and Anthony muttering under his breath as he walked into the living room.

“Those bloody deathtraps,” Anthony muttered, a scowl on his face as he appeared at the door of the living room. He was talking about her roller skates, she had gone to Hyde Park again with Edwina over the weekend. Kate was absolutely rubbish, but it was fun. “You’re going to break a bone in those things.”

“At least I’ll look cute while doing so.” Kate grinned at him, peeking her head over the top of the couch. She had bought a retro purple pair off Amazon, that reminded her of Grease and the 60s.

Anthony was staring at her with an amused expression, leaning against the wall. Kate knew Anthony’s strange behaviour wasn’t completely because of her. He had been acting strange since he made up with Daphne and Simon.

“Kate?”

“Mm?”

“Why are you wearing a dinosaur hat?”

She had forgotten about the hat two wine glasses ago.

Kate Sheffield, constantly oozing sex appeal.

There was really no explanation. “I have a better question. Why wouldn’t I be wearing a dinosaur hat?”

“Touche.” Anthony chuckled, opening up the fridge and pulling out a beer. He loosened the tie around his neck, unbuttoning the first few buttons of his shirt with one hand as he made his way towards his armchair. He picked up Newton under his arm, who had been happily snoozing on his armchair before Anthony interrupted him.

Anthony sat down, putting Newton back down on his lap. He had long given up fighting Newton for his armchair. It was their armchair now.

Well, it would be for another two weeks.

“I was packing and I found the party bag from Hyacinth’s party,” Kate explained, tipping the cowboy hat on her head that had a Tyrannosaurus Rex’s head coming out of the top of it. Kate didn’t miss the frown on his face when she mentioned packing up her stuff, but she dismissed it. It didn’t mean anything. She threw the spare hat over to him. “Did you really think I wouldn’t have one for you?”

Anthony stared at the hat that had landed on the couch beside him with vague disgust. “There’s not a chance in hell I’m wearing that.”

“Why? It looks like you,” Kate teased, reaching up to pinch the dinosaur’s spotty nose on the top of her head. “Go on. Aw, he’s got your nose.”

Anthony couldn’t help the smile that broke out on his face, as much as he was trying to fight it. It made Kate feel warm, she felt like she hadn’t seen it in a while. This felt good. It felt like them. “Is this how you treat people who give you a roof under your head out of the goodness of their heart? By insulting their good looks?”

“That doesn’t make any sense, though. You gave me a roof under my head.”

Anthony picked up the hat and slammed it onto his head. “I know you find me good looking, Kate. Just admit it.”

Kate chose to ignore the fluttery feeling inside of her stomach and the frustration building up inside of her. He was now flirting with her when he had been acting so off with her for the past two weeks? How was that fair? This wasn’t just them having a laugh. Kate may have feelings for Anthony, but she didn’t delude herself into thinking he was flirting with her when he wasn’t. He had always been a flirt. She was too, usually only with him. She would play it off, like she always did. “Hmm. Maybe to some people.”

Teasing was easier than telling the truth. Kate wasn’t confident he found her good looking, she wasn’t his usual type. In fact, she was the opposite to any girl she had ever seen him with. Kate was so forgettable he had forgotten their kiss.

Kate picked up her phone, taking a few quick pictures of Anthony and then flipping the camera to take a few pictures of her smiling with a disgruntled looking Anthony in the background.

She put the phone down, laughing her arse off and smiling at him very satisfied. “I’ll show them at your wedding.”

“I hope you do.”

There was a moment of silence where they both just stared at each other, his words lingering in the air. His tone wasn’t teasing or sarcastic, it was gritty and left a bitter taste in her mouth. It was also very confusing. Kate had no idea how to respond to him so she just...didn’t. Anthony quickly broke the silence, changing the topic completely.

“That reminds me. I just got back from having a drink with Simon.”

Kate wasn’t expecting that. Kate moved across the couch towards him, pushing herself up onto her knees once she reached him. She lifted her hand to inspect his neatly shaven jaw, she would really find any excuse to touch him. “I don’t see any bruises.”

“Funny.” Anthony said dryly, his eyes following her hand until they locked eyes with hers.

Kate laughed, choking on the intensity of the brief eye contact and fell back onto the couch, taking another sip of her wine. “I know, I’m considering pursuing stand-up comedy full time. What did Simon want?”

Things had improved between Anthony and Simon since they made up at Hyacinth’s birthday party three weeks ago. They were civil and spent time together when they all hung out together, but things weren’t the same and they still had a lot of rebuilding to do. They definitely weren’t back to hanging out together like they did before their fight.

“Simon just told me he’s going to ask Daphne to marry him.”

Kate spat out her wine.

Anthony’s jaw dropped before he quickly jumped out of his armchair, causing Newton to growl at him for waking him up. “Kate, that’s a leather couch!”

Kate spluttered, coughing as the wine she had just choked on continued to tickle her throat. “I’m sorry. Forget the couch. What did you just say?”

Anthony had run into the kitchen to grab paper towels, dabbing at the wet stains on the couch. It was only white wine, so it wouldn’t stain. He also handed her a glass of water, his expression strained as he roughly wiped at the couch. “He told me he was going to propose to Daphne this weekend.”

Kate stared at Anthony as if he had grown another head and an arm on his leg. “Did someone drop him on his head? Daph turned twenty two last week! He’s barely twenty six! I watched him laugh at a video of a dog swimming in a duck costume last week for twenty minutes. He can’t get married.”

Once again, Anthony shrugged. This was the man who had punched his best friend for going near his sister and refused to speak to both of them for two months. He simply shrugged. “Well, he plans to.”

“Why are you so calm?” Kate narrowed her eyes. Anthony was far calm about this. He had punched Simon and ignored him for two months when he had found out about Daphne and him. “Does anyone know Simon’s current whereabouts?”

Anthony’s deadpanned expression made a small smile creep onto Kate’s shocked face. “Seriously, it’s like a comedy night here.”

“Did you kill him?” When the opportunity presented itself, Kate would always wind up Anthony Bridgerton further. She also knew that he was probably feeling extremely frustrated and hurt and was showing a surprising level of self-control, so it wasn’t the worst idea to lighten the mood.

“No,” Anthony said, twisting his nose and mouth into a taunting smile. “But I might kill you.”

“Please, you couldn’t live without me.” Kate retorted with a teasing smile, but the eerie silence that followed quickly killed any amusement in her face. Anthony looked exhausted. Things had been strange between them but the dark bags under his eyes and the deflated look on his face showed Kate something more. She knew Anthony and she knew he was keeping something from her.

“He’s asking her in Paris this weekend,” Anthony explained, focusing on stroking Newton’s fur instead of looking at Kate. “That’s where he’s taking her for her surprise birthday trip. It’s perfect for her. Daph loves Paris.” “How do you feel about it?” Kate asked, caution filling her voice as she carefully observed Anthony. His body language was usually difficult to read and tonight was no exception. She knew he was upset but Anthony kept his walls high and guarded. She could never truly tell what he was feeling, whether it was that he wanted to scream or cry.

Anthony let out a deep sigh. “Would I rather set myself on fire than watch them get married? Yes. Do I think they’re rushing into it and incredibly young? Absolutely. Can I do anything about it? No. It’s their life. I can’t stop them. It doesn’t take a genius to know what I think about it but it’s not my decision to make. I’ll have to support them. I don’t want to fight anymore.”

Kate didn’t know what she would do if Edwina told her she was engaged.She’d probably have a heart attack. She was even younger than Daphne. She would probably drag Edwina back down the aisle, if she even let her get up it first.

“Mum is already planning their engagement party. She’s thrilled, of course. Simon spoke to her before me. Their party is going to be next weekend and then Ben’s gallery opening is the following Saturday.”

Kate nodded, biting her lip as she watched Anthony carefully. “What did he say to you?”

“Firstly, he asked me not to punch him. Then he said Daphne and him had already spoken about it. He wouldn’t propose if it wasn’t something Daphne wanted. He said he loved her so much and that he would always take care of her. He apologized for the timing considering things have only gotten civil again but he just couldn’t wait anymore,” Anthony said, sitting back down in his armchair and letting Newton settle back down in his lap. “He said he didn’t want to wait anymore when he knew Daph was the one. Why would he wait any longer when the love of his life was right in front of him?”

Simon did have a point. It was a difficult point for Kate to swallow but he had a point. Why was she waiting? Fear was becoming an exhausting reason.

In Kate’s opinion, they were far too young and they had only been together for nearly two years. This was Simon’s first serious relationship. It was ludicrous. Yet, it wasn’t her life. Her opinion didn’t matter here. They were taking control of their narrative and doing what was right for them. “Wow,” She murmured, not really knowing what else to say. It was a lot to take in. What happened to the teenager Kate had met eight years ago in Aubrey Hall? When had they all grown up so much? “I know this is probably a stupid question but are you okay?”

Newton stood up in Anthony’s lap, putting his two ginger paws on his chest and nuzzling his face against Anthony’s chest and face. He licked him a few times, which Anthony usually protested about but he was quiet tonight. Newton was trying to hug him. He always comforted Kate like that when she was upset. Newton just knew when something was wrong.

He was an angel, her Newton.

“I’m not really sure.” Anthony said honestly, smiling softly and rolling his eyes as Newton licked his cheek and chin, his paws pushing against Anthony’s chest as he tried to climb up further.

“That’s okay,” Kate gave Anthony a small smile, laughing softly as Anthony pushed Newton up by his bum until the corgi was half sitting on his shoulders and head. “I’ll be here if you need me.”

Anthony gave her a small grateful smile back, managing to get a scrambling Newton off his head and back onto his lap. When Anthony was around, Newton gave him his full attention. Kate didn’t blame the corgi at all. “You always are. Thanks, Kate.”

They exchanged a soft smile but no more words on the topic, despite the feeling that there was so much left unsaid between them.

“I can’t believe Daphne is getting married.”

Edwina zoomed in on the photo on Daphne’s instagram, the large diamond on her finger in front of her and Simon’s beaming faces with a glittering Eiffel Tower in the background. Kate had met up with Daphne for lunch yesterday and she had seen the ring in person, along with the detailed account of every minute of their trip and the proposal.

It was finally the weekend and Kate had spent Saturday morning roller skating-well, mostly falling with a side of skating-around Hyde Park with Edwina. They had gone back to her flat with takeaway kebabs and coffees, where she was staying with her boyfriend until her university term ended. Edwina was going to move back to their family home for the summer and stay with Kate in London when she wanted to, as Kate had decided to get her own flat for the first time.

Sophie was staying with Benedict for the summer, they seemed to be very happy and working through their problems. Since the Bridgertons owned Benedict’s flat, Sophie was insisting on paying for the utilities and groceries to pay her way. They were compromising and moving forward together. Edwina and Sophie were going to look for a flat at the end of the summer before university started, Sophie had finally saved up enough to enroll and start her course to become a teacher.

“Please don’t get any ideas.” Kate said, giving her a concerned look. Kate liked Edwina’s boyfriend Matthew a lot, he was a sweet guy and Edwina was head over heels for him, but they were not ready for marriage. Anthony had been uncharacteristically calm since he had found out about the engagement and it was very unnerving. It wasn’t like Kate could say much about Anthony these days, he was still avoiding her as much as possible. If they were together, it was rarely alone. Even at the flat, he had Hyacinth and Gregory over for a sleepover last night instead of their usual takeaway on Friday night.

Edwina snorted loudly. “As if. Mum only met Matthew last week. I don’t plan on getting married for a very long time.”

“I don’t know if I will ever get married.” It was true. Kate couldn’t see herself with anyone else. She had tried being with someone else and that had ended up in disaster. The cheating wasn’t her fault but her being in love with Anthony before and during her relationship meant it never stood a chance.

It was ridiculous to think about marriage at twenty-five years old when she had so much time and she was still so young. She just couldn’t imagine herself with anyone else.

“Please don’t say that,” Edwina’s voice softened as she spoke, so full of pity it made Kate feel ten times worse than she already did. She felt pathetic and she knew people found her pathetic. Her own sister pitied her. “Whether you want to get married is completely up to you. It’s not because there isn't someone out there for you. There is. You still have so much time, Kate.”

“I have time but I want him. He’s still avoiding me. I’ve barely seen him since Hyacinth’s birthday party. I found another hotel key this morning.” Kate wanted to scream at him, to hide his escapades better and not leave evidence of them out in plain sight where she could come across them. She had absolutely no right to be angry. But she was. She was incredibly hurt. She was doing this to herself. She couldn’t bring herself to say anything to him, as much as she wanted to scream it at him.

“Kate, you’re torturing yourself.”

Kate’s nails tapped against the edge of her mug, the light tapping nose soothing to her ears. The steam from the mug hit her face, but she wasn’t sure that was the reason why she was sweating. “I know, Ed.”

“You could tell him.”

Kate looked up at Edwina, her little sister who was so grown up in front of her. Kate felt like a child, coming to her sister when everything felt like it was falling apart. She felt so out of control, as if something was just on the brink of exploding and there was nothing she could do about it. “I can’t risk it.”

If she told him, she could risk losing him forever. It could break them in a way that could never be fixed. If he didn’t feel the same, her confession would be a shadow lingering over them that they couldn’t break free from.

Kate just dreaded the day he met the right girl that wasn’t her and she would have to stand there and watch.

How could she do that? Watch someone make him happy the way he made her happy? It was such a selfish thought but she couldn’t help it. Sometimes, Kate didn’t think she would be brave enough when the time would come.

Anthony was her best friend. He was her person. He didn’t owe her the love she felt for him. He already loved her in ways unimaginable, his friendship had been one of the best things that had ever happened to her. He had been her friend first and would always be her friend, but life without Anthony was unimaginable and she was doomed to watch him be happy with the perfect girl someday.

Their friendship had been something that Kate thought only existed in books and movies. She was so lucky to have him. She felt so guilty for how she felt, it wasn’t that she wasn’t grateful for what they had. She knew what they had was so special. Kate just wished it was more.

It would have to be enough.

Life with Anthony would always be better than life without him.

Edwina reached towards her with a comforting smile, her hand covering Kate’s hand and her thumb rubbing soothing circles on her wrist. “You can’t keep going on like this either.”

“I know.” Kate mumbled, exhaling loudly as her head fell back against the head of the couch.

“I don’t know how Anthony feels. You don’t know either. You’ll only know if you tell him how you feel. I know he’s your best friend, he’s like your other half. If you really want to know what I think,” Edwina paused before she continued speaking, as if she was debating what she was about to say. “I think he feels the same way about you. I really do. From what I’ve seen, I really do. Friends don’t look at friends the way he looks at you. I’ve never seen anything like it. I don’t think I’m the only one who thinks that either.”

Kate stared at Edwina, completely taken aback. It was the first time someone else, other than herself, had ever acknowledged the idea that Anthony might like her back. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. Anna had said it during their first year of university but Kate didn’t like to think about her. “I just don’t know, Ed. I don’t think he does. I only know how I feel and I just feel suffocated by it. I’m just so scared of the consequences of telling him.”

“Katie,” Edwina said softly, using the nickname for Kate she reserved for emotional moments between them. “I know you sometimes don’t think a lot of yourself, so I’m here to remind you of how wonderful you are. You’re an amazing person. He would be so lucky to be in love with you. I’m so lucky to love you. We’re all so lucky to be loved by you. Okay?”

Kate felt the sore lump forming in her throat, squeezing back the hand Edwina had wrapped around hers. She used her spare hand to brush the fresh tears out of her eyes. She hated crying, but she couldn’t help it. Edwina’s words meant more than Kate could ever express. It was hard to hear them sometimes, especially when Kate struggled to believe they were true. “Thanks, Ed. I love you too.”

“Good. I mean it. Would it really be so bad?” Edwina asked, tilting her head slightly as she nudged Kate’s foot with hers, forcing Kate to look at her. She knew Edwina was right. It had been too long. This had been going on for too long. If there was a chance they could be something, she should take it. “To tell him?”

It would. “I could lose him.”

Edwina didn’t respond for a few moments, the silent seconds suffocating Kate even further. “You already sound lost to me.”

“I know,” Kate said softly, the weight of the truth in her sister’s words making her chest feel tight. She felt lost and she felt stuck. She caught a glimpse of her watch and pushed herself up off the couch, sighing softly. “I better get going. I have to walk shower and get ready for later. We’re going to the Bridgertons later to have dinner to celebrate their engagement. We’re helping Daphne and Simon with their engagement party invitations as well.”

“Kate,” Edwina said, walking Kate to her door and wrapping her arms around her sister, pulling her into a deep hug. Kate didn’t know how much she needed one until it was happening, she pulled Edwina closer. “I only want what’s best for you. I’ll always have your back and support you. I just want you to be happy.”

“I know, Ed. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Oh! I nearly forgot. These are the tickets for Ben’s gallery he gave me for you two,” Kate said, pulling out the envelope and handing it to Edwina with a wink. She didn’t want to be sad anymore. She’d push it away for now. “It starts at seven, black tie. Free booze.”

“Thank you so much,” Edwina said, beaming at Kate as she squeezed the envelope. “Matt is such a fan of Benedict’s instagram, he stalks his instagram all the time. He’s going to be so excited.”

“It’s going to be a good night,” Kate said, pulling on her hoodie and raising her eyebrows at her sister. “Who knows what will happen?”

Later that evening, they were at the Bridgertons to celebrate Daphne and Simon’s engagement. It was the Bridgertons and Sophie, Kate and Simon. Kate felt so full after the feast Violet had prepared she could barely move.

Kate didn’t even protest as Anthony stole bits of her cake off her plate, if she ate anymore she felt like she would burst out of her red dress.

“I don’t understand why we’re posting these out. Haven’t you already emailed invitations?” Eloise asked, a permanent scowl had been glued to her face since Daphne had dragged her to the dining room table after dinner along with Kate, Anthony, Simon, Ben and Sophie to help seal their invitations.

“Yes, but they’ll need these to get into the party,” Daphne said, giving Eloise a look as she carefully tied the pink ribbon around the lace envelope in her hands. “Besides, it’s part of the process. We’ll have these forever. I already have a copy in my wedding book.” Kate had even spent a few moments admiring the large princess cut diamond on Daphne’s finger. It was massive and blinding in the bright lighting.

They had each been given a part of the alphabet from the guest list, which was in alphabetical order and consisted of at least two hundred people. If this was the engagement party list, the wedding was going to be massive.

“How do you know this many people?” Kate was only responsible for the A to Ds and she hadn’t even started the Cs and they had been at this for nearly two hours. The invitations were beautiful, they were on expensive hard paper that was a soft blue. The writing on the invitation was a beautiful cursive font that was sealed in a cream lace envelope, tied with a rose ribbon.

“Well, Daphne is a Bridgerton. Simon is technically a Hastings,” Anthony said, his nose scrunched up in concentration as he tried to loop the pink ribbon around the invitation. Simon had never gone by his father’s name Hastings, he had always gone with his mother’s maiden name. “We’re popular people.”

Anthony shot a glare at Eloise as she muttered wanker under her breath.

“This is only the engagement party. The wedding won’t be until next summer and there’s so much to plan and do in the meantime,” Daphne said, looking frazzled as she tucked her pile of envelopes neatly into the box on the table. “We’re not going to rush anything.”

Anthony and Benedict simultaneously snorted and Sophie and Kate kicked them under the table.

“Speaking of things to do,” Daphne said, standing up and putting her hands on her hip. “Kate.”

“Daphne,” Kate replied, eyeing her warily. Daphne was smiling so widely it almost looked painful, positively beaming at Kate. “Are you okay?”

“I’m perfect,” squealed Daphne, clapping her hands together. Kate shot a confused glance at Anthony, who shrugged back at her with an amused glint in his eyes. “I need you to close your eyes for a second.”

“Okay,” said Kate, closing her eyes hesitantly and lifting her hands up slightly in the air. “If anyone puts anything near my face, or on my face, I will hurt you.”

“Open! Read the envelope!”

There was a loud smack as something was put in front of her, Kate opened up her eyes to see a large hamper in front of her. It was a soft pink, a wooden hamper wrapped in film and topped with a large pink bow. It had an envelope with her name cursively written on the front. She could see an assortment of candles, hand cream, soaps, body lotion, chocolate, sweets, a silk dressing gown and slippers and other things in the hamper. There was also a beautiful bouquet of red tulips. Kate was so confused. “It’s not my birthday.” She said slowly, reaching and opening up the envelope.

>i>Kate,

Will you be my bridesmaid?

Lots of love,

Daphne

“Oh my gosh.” Kate managed to say, words completely failing her as she glanced up at Daphne’s beaming face and back down at the invitation. There was no stopping the wave of emotion that crept up her throat and flooded her eyes as she constantly re-read the words in front of her.

“Oh Kate,” Daphne said softly, one of her hand’s covering her heart as she rested her head on top of Kates, wrapping her arm around her. “Please don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying!” Kate said quickly, keeping her head down to avoid anyone seeing her red, watery eyes but it was definitely too late. She hugged Daphne back, practically clinging to her. This meant so much to her. “It’s hayfever.”

Kate didn’t have to look at Anthony’s smug face to know he was smirking as he spoke. “It’s January.”

Kate turned to Anthony to glare at him. “Eat glass.”

Anthony chuckled softly, nudging Daphne off of Kate and wrapping his arm around her shoulder as she furiously wiped at her eyes. She shoved him off but couldn’t stop the smile breaking out on her face as Anthony smiled down at her.

“Are you sure?” said Kate, looking up finally and meeting Daphne’s warm eyes and beaming face. “I would love to. Thank you so much. This is incredible. This is...so nice. I don’t know what to say. Thank you.”

Kate had never thought for a second she would be asked. She had struggled with making friends for most of her life, it wasn’t that she didn’t have them-she had quite a few. Anthony was the closest friend she had ever had and with him, she had become a part of something that had allowed her to form friendships and relationships with his family that were more than just her connection to Anthony.

It really meant everything.

“Oh, Kate.” Daphne said softly, squeezing her shoulders softly and wiping a tear trailing down her cheek that had escaped her eye. “Of course I want you to be my bridesmaid. It wouldn’t be the same without you.”

She didn’t really know what to say. Her entire life had just been her Dad, Mary and Edwina and friends who had come and gone, and suddenly there was the whole Bridgerton clan who sent her birthday presents and Christmas cards, who invited her over for dinner and texted to meet up or just to catch up.

It was really wonderful to be liked by people like the Bridgertons.

“I’m so happy. I’ve asked everyone now!” Daphne smiled in satisfaction, walking back over to her seat and shooting a smile at Simon, who was gazing at her adoringly. “I’ve asked Fran, you, El, Rebecca, Alana, Tara and Greta. You’re definitely the best reaction I’ve had so far. Some people were less than satisfactory.” Daphne shot a pointed look at Eloise.

“Oh, get over it Daphne,” Eloise grumbled, struggling to tie a ribbon around an envelope. “I said yes, didn’t I?”

“This is all incredible. Thank you so much. These are absolutely beautiful,” said Kate, looking through the hamper in wonder as she picked up everything and smelt it or ate it. “Tulips are my favourite flower.”

Daphne glanced at Anthony, who had been gazing at Kate as she looked through her hamper. He met his sister’s eyes questionably. “Just a lucky guess.” She exchanged a smirk with Simon, who looked down at his stack of envelopes in amusement.

“We’re expected to bring dates?” Eloise asked, looking around the table with an exasperated look as she waved an invitation in the air. It appeared that she only just read the invitations. “Everyone is in a relationship except me. How am I meant to find one of those?”

“By asking someone.” Benedict suggested, slightly mocking his sister who flipped him off.

Eloise scowled. “I don’t like people.”

“I’m sure you’ll find someone,” Anthony said, clearly unimpressed about the thought of his sister bringing someone to the wedding. “The wedding will be after your first year at university. You’ll find someone you can’t shake, as much as you try to.”

Anthony shot a grin at Kate, who stuck her tongue out at him.

“Why don’t you bring Penelope? She’s lovely.” Kate suggested, turning away from Anthony and tying another bow around an envelope. She was nearly on the C part of her list.

“That’s easy for you two to say,” Eloise grumbled, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. “You two don’t have to worry about a date. Oh! Pen is actually a good idea. She loves romance and all that rubbish.”

Anthony paused trying to tie his ribbon, where he using Kate’s finger to tie the bow. He frowned at Eloise. “Why wouldn’t we?”

“Why wouldn’t you what?”

“Why wouldn’t we have to worry about a date?”

Eloise shrugged, frowning slightly at her brother’s question. “Oh. I presumed you’d be going together.”

“Why would you presume that?” Anthony asked, his tone a little sharper than usual.

“Anthony, stop.” Kate murmured, frowning at his tone of his voice and just his overall demeanor. What the fuck was so offensive about that presumption? It was completely fair. They went to nearly everything together. Every gala, every work event, even two weddings last year.

“Well, you two do everything together, Anthony.” Eloise replied sharply back, a slightly challenging look on her face as a response to her brother’s blunt tone and slight attitude. Kate glanced at Sophie, who widened her eyes slightly before focusing on organizing her stack of envelopes. “What’s your problem?”

“I’ve no problem at all,” Anthony gave her a dry smile, a stone cold look on his face. His phone started to ring, vibrating against the table. “Excuse me. Anthony Bridgerton.” He stood up, walking out of the dining room to take his call.

“What is with him lately?” Eloise asked the table, a disgruntled look on her face as she organized her finished envelopes into Daphne’s box. “He’s been more moody and off than usual.”

It seems like Kate wasn’t the only one who had noticed something was wrong. She caught Benedict’s eye, who shrugged but he glanced at the door where Anthony had disappeared through.

Kate shook it off, but she was internally panicking. She had presumed they would be going to the wedding together. Her dating life had been dead for two months. She hardly bothered anymore, she just didn’t see the point.

They could be an amazing person, but they would never be Anthony.

It was rather pathetic. She knew it was. She needed to cut the final string and tell him how she felt. If he didn’t feel the same, at least she would be free. But how could she? How could she risk losing him forever? She would rather have the parts of him she could have than none of him at all.

Or did she?

Kate wasn’t so sure anymore.

Anthony was gone for longer than expected. Kate had gone to check on him once but he had disappeared into his father’s study, closing the door behind him. He walked back into the room twenty minutes later, clearing his throat to interrupt the small chatter around the table. He looked furious. “Colin has been arrested.”

“Oh my god.”

“What happened?”

“Is he okay?”

“He was arrested for public indecency and public intoxication. He’s fine. We’re going to bail him out now. He’s not going to be charged. It’s been sorted. I’ve told Mum, she’s on her way home.”

“Isn’t he out on a date with Marina?” Sophie asked, raising an eyebrow at Benedict and at the rest of the table. Kate had only met Marina once, who was Colin’s new girlfriend he had met skiing in France over Christmas. He was head over heels in love with her, the first girl according to Anthony he had ever brought home to meet his family.

Daphne shook her head, running a hand through her head and sighing loudly. “I knew there was something off about that Marina girl. Poor Colin.”

“Poor Colin? He’s the one who got himself arrested. I hardly think it’s Marina’s fault. This is Colin we’re talking about,” Eloise said, narrowing her eyes at Daphne. “I love him but he’s a fucking idiot.”

“Eloise!” Daphne exclaimed, gasping at her sister.

Benedict shrugged. “El has a point, Daph. Colin has broken about three bones from jumping off things drunk. Usually half-naked.”

There was a grimace around the table. That was a picture no one wanted to imagine.

Anthony was still standing there, unsettlingly calm and still. His phone was still in his hand, which was slightly shaking. He was staring into nothing as his siblings argued across the table.

“What can I do?” Kate asked in a lower voice, standing up to move beside him. She placed a comforting hand on his upper arm, but there wasn’t much she could do. Colin and Anthony’s relationship had always been complex. They were so close but very different people. This wasn’t a situation that Anthony

Anthony shook his head. “Nothing. It’s okay. Ben and Simon will come with me. We’ll be back soon.”

Kate couldn’t stop the hurt look that flashed across her face as she watched him gesture towards the boys and walk towards the door. Everyone else looked equally confused, mainly because he was asking Simon to come over Kate. Benedict shot Kate a small smile, offering a silent apology before following his brother. Simon quickly kissed Daphne before following them.

Kate sat there as Sophie and Daphne got updates from Ben and Simon. Her phone didn’t buzz once. Colin was okay and he would only have to pay a large fine. He had been with some of his friends who had also been arrested. Anthony had used one of his father’s connections to try to make sure the arrest wouldn’t be on his permanent record and one of Colin’s friends' dad was high in the police force and had made sure it wouldn’t be on any of their records.

It was two hours, at approximately 11pm, when the front door slammed followed by loud voices. They belonged to Anthony, Benedict and Colin.

“That’s not an excuse to throw your life away. You have one and a half years left.” Anthony was shouting at Colin, who stormed in before Anthony and let out an annoyed sigh as he noticed everyone was in the living room waiting for them. Daphne launched herself at Colin, wrapping him in a hug and flicking him in the head at the same time.

“You idiot! I thought you were out with Marina?” Daphne began her interrogation immediately after she had let go of Colin, her relief fading into a frown as she stared at Colin. “What happened? What were you thinking?

“Marina broke up with me,” Colin said, a hurt look splashing over his face and quickly disappearing, being replaced with a hard demeanor. “She was still in love with her ex-boyfriend and she had been seeing him. She dumped me and I met up with the boys afterwards. Things just got out of hand.”

“Oh Col,” Daphne murmured softly, shaking her head and giving him a reassuring smile. “I’m so sorry. It’ll be okay. Are you okay?”

“Colin,” Anthony announced loudly, ignoring the warning look from Violet who was glancing anxiously between Anthony and Colin. “Wants to drop out of university.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard,” Eloise said quickly, staring at Colin with a mixture of shock and outrage. “You have one year left. Isn’t twenty-two sort of young to have a life crisis?”

“Stay out of it Eloise,” Colin barked, glaring at his sister before turning back around to Anthony. “It’s my life. I can do what I want with it.”

“Oh sure you can,” Anthony said, bitterly laughing as he poured himself a whiskey at the bar in the corner of the room. “You’re truly doing such a smashing job.”

“We all need to calm down.” Benedict said, intervening before this heated argument exploded. Anthony and Colin had always clashed heads when it came to Colin’s life decisions. He had been suspended twice during school and had been extremely difficult when it came to going to university. Kate had watched Anthony spend months trying to convince him to go and it had resulted in a lot of stress and arguments.

Sophie, Simon and Kate sort of sunk into the background. They were around the Bridgertons most of the time but this was a family situation they weren’t a part of. It was very uncomfortable to witness.

“We made a deal. You would get your gap year and I’d support you traveling after university, when you finished it. Your marks have been brilliant, Colin. It’s one bloody year. You have to get your degree.”

“Why? Because Dad did?”

“No,” Anthony said sharply, his jaw slightly shaking as he tried to remain calm. He looked like he was about to explode. “Because it’s a privilege. University degrees open up doors and give you opportunities. They give you protection and access to jobs. I have already paid for two years of your degree and now all your hard work is going to go down the drain because you’ve suddenly changed your mind? That’s not happening. You’re getting that degree.”

“I don’t need you to tell me what to do with my life, Anthony.”

“Why did you call me then?”

Colin paused. “What?”

“When you got arrested. Why did you call me?”

Colin stared at him. He didn’t have an answer to that.

“Why didn’t you call Mum? Or Ben? Or Daph? Or one of your friends.”

“Oh, now you’ve got nothing to say?” Anthony let out a high pitched laugh, shaking his head. “I’ll tell you why. You called me because I show up. I’ll sort it out for you. Like I always do. I’m beginning to think that was a big mistake. I honour my commitments. Why can’t you do the same?”

“We can discuss this in the morning when everyone is calmer and not so worked up,” Violet said, finally intervening and smiling calmly at Anthony and Colin. She wanted to stop this fight before it got too far, but it already had. Her tactic of pretending everything was fine was not going to work this time. “We need to all go home and go to bed. The little ones are sleeping and we’re not going to wake them.”

“Why aren’t you doing something?” Anthony asked, staring at his mother in bewilderment. He sounded so heartbroken and lost, almost desperate. “You’re the parent here. He’s about to throw his entire life away.”

“I’m not throwing my entire life away, I’m throwing away the life that you wanted for me. Not what I wanted.” “So what are you going to do then? Travel around for the rest of your life with no qualifications?” Anthony’s words were daggers, pushing Colin further and further over the edge. “With what money, Colin? I won’t give you a penny. You’ve never had a bloody job. You’ve never had any responsibilities. Wake the fuck up. You’re acting like a spoiled little brat.”

“Fuck you,” Colin snapped, Benedict’s hand moving towards his chest to push him away from Anthony. Benedict was in between them, Simon quickly joining him as well. “I’ll figure it out. I don’t need to try to be a carbon copy of Dad to figure out my life. I’m not you, Anthony. Desperately trying to be someone he’ll never be.”

“That’s bang out of order.” Simon snapped, standing up slightly and only stopping himself from moving forward when Daphne put a hand on his chest.

“Colin, that’s too far,” Benedict snapped, glaring at his younger brother with a look that made the hairs on Kate’s arms stand up. She stood up anyway, watching Anthony as his face completely fell. This was his achilles heel. He had been through a similar argument with . Colin knew exactly what he was doing. Bringing up their father was exactly how you hurt Anthony. “You’re not dropping out of university. It’s not an option. We all care about you. You’re hurt and probably still drunk. You’re not thinking rationally.”

“Stop it Colin, that’s not fair,” Daphne said, shaking her head. “I agree with Anthony. He wants what is best for you. We all do.”

“Anthony,” Kate said softly, grabbing her coat and his off the dining room chairs. “I think we should go home. Come on.”

Anthony completely ignored Kate. “What the fuck did you just say?”

Colin didn’t cower down. He stood his ground and stared blankly back at his brother. “I think you heard me.”

Kate couldn’t stop herself from glaring in disgust at Colin. This was too far. Anthony wasn’t being exactly fair, she knew university was something Colin had never been sure about. It wasn’t as if he was completely miserable. He was having the time of his life when he was there. He just was confused and heartbroken and he wanted to run away.

“Do you think I wanted this? Do you think I want to do this?”

It had gone too far and Anthony had finally reached his breaking point.

“I went to the parent teacher meetings. I made your lunches and dinners. I didn’t go on my gap year. You all got to go on your gap years. Do you know how I spent it? I was the one who sorted out Dad’s will. I took care of Mum when she couldn’t get out of bed. I took care of a newborn baby and a two year old. I took care of all of you. I did all that. Have I ever said anything about it? No. I did it because I had no choice. My dad died too.”

There was complete silence in the living room as everyone stared at Anthony’s outburst.

“Anthony.” Violet croaked, staring at her eldest son in disbelief. Violet hadn’t been well for the first few years after Edmund’s death. She had barely gotten out of bed , Anthony had said she was like a ghost. Anthony had really gotten involved in everything to do with his siblings from the moment his father died. He’d had no choice.

Kate knew the pain of losing someone you loved. She missed her father everyday. She couldn’t blame Violet for how she mourned the love of her life but she couldn’t help but resent her for what she forced her eldest son to do because she couldn’t. He had been a child too.

“Go ahead, Mum. Indulge him. It’s what you do best.” Anthony looked at his mother with a look of such disappointment, it was hard to watch. “It’s your life, Colin. Do whatever you want. I’m done.”

“Ant.” Ben pleaded, staring in disbelief at his brother’s outburst. Sophie had her arm around Eloise, who was crying into her shoulder. Anthony shook off Ben’s arm on his shoulder.

Anthony ignored him. “Kate, let’s go home.”

Kate couldn’t stop herself from throwing Colin a disappointed look as she followed Anthony out of the door, shooting the rest of the Bridgertons a sad smile before they walked out of the house. It was a promise to take care of him.

“Please, let me drive.” Kate said softly, slowly wrapping her arms around his hand to take the keys out of his hand. Thankfully, Anthony didn’t protest.

The drive home was completely silent. Kate tried to focus on the road but she couldn’t stop herself from glancing at Anthony in the passenger seat. He just stared straight ahead of him, not uttering a word to her the entire trip.

They entered the flat slowly, the only sound being the door closing and the rattle of the keys as Kate put them in the bowl beside the door. Anthony moved to sit on the couch as Kate made her way into the kitchen, making them both a cup of tea.

“I made you some tea,” She said, keeping voice low as she walked around the couch, anxiously staring at Anthony. She felt so helpless.

Anthony had his face in his hands, bent forward. He was shaking. Newton was pawing at his feet, whimpering slightly as nudged Anthony’s legs with his nose.

Kate blinked a few times before she realized what was happening.

Anthony was crying.

“I’m here.” She whispered, quickly putting the mugs down and sitting beside him, wrapping her arms around him. She pulled his head against her chest, holding him as tight as she could.

His sobs racked through his body, shaking and stuttering.

In the eight year she had known him, she had never seen Anthony cry. This wasn’t just crying. This was nine years of grief, hurt and emotion finally coming to the surface and breaking free.

She held him until he couldn’t cry anymore.

The following morning, Kate got up from the couch where Anthony, Newton and her were watching Ted Lasso when they heard a knock on the door. She had been texting the Bridgertons this morning, assuring them Anthony was doing okay. He was better than he was last night, he just seemed exhausted.

Kate was still reeling from the events of last night. When she opened the door, the last person she expected to see was Colin Bridgerton.

“Kate. Hi.”

Kate fixed him with a hard stare.

“I know what you’re thinking.”

“I’m actually debating whether I should punch you.”

“That’s fair.”

Kate shook her head. “Nothing about last night was fair, Colin. He didn’t deserve that.”

“I know,” He said, his voice wavering slightly as he looked down at the ground. He did look terrible. He hadn’t shaved this morning so there was a light shadow of stubble on his cheeks and dark bags under his eyes. He looked terrible and it made Kate feel slightly better. “I’m trying to fix it. Can I come in?”

“That’s not up to me.”

“It’s okay, Kate.” Her head flicked around to see Anthony standing behind her at the end of the hall. “He can come in.”

Kate stepped aside to let Colin in, closing the door behind him as she watched Colin cautiously walk towards his older brother. Anthony made his way towards the couch and Colin hoovered awkwardly before taking a seat on the opposite end of it.

Kate went to put on the kettle, leaning down to scratch behind Newton’s ears. He had his lead in his hand. It was about time for his walk.

“Can I’ve a cuppa?” Colin asked, glancing cautiously over at Kate and then back at Anthony.

Kate didn’t turn around. “I can’t promise I won’t spit in it.”

“Actually, I’m good.”

“Newton needs to go on his walk anyway,” Kate said, deciding that they probably needed time to talk alone. She was intruding and this wasn’t going to be an easy conversation for either of them. “I’ll leave you two to it. I’ll see you in a bit.”

Anthony turned around to look at her, smiling softly at her and nodding his head. He’d be okay. She grabbed her hoodie off the couch, quickly pulling it on. She smiled back at him before she headed for the door and left the two brothers to figure it out.

“Ready to go?”

“Here, let me help.” Kate said softly, reaching her hands up to fix Anthony’s blue tie. His white shirt was crisp and bright, complimenting the dark navy suit. Daphne’s dress code was anti-black tie, so Kate had gone with a lilac dress that reached her the middle of her knees.

Kate felt something crinkle under his shirt pocket and she raised an eyebrow. “What’s that?”

“Oh,” Anthony said, his cheeks darkening slightly. “It’s for my speech.”

Kate felt herself fall even harder. This man. “You made flashcards.”

“I just want to say the right thing.” He murmured, very flustered. Bless him, Anthony was nervous.

“You will,” Kate said reassuringly, fixing his jacket one last time before she let go. “Just speak from the heart.”

“Let’s go,” He said, his cheeks still slightly pink as he grabbed his keys. “Our uber is downstairs.”

Daphne and Simon’s engagement party was taking place in the ballroom of the Ritz Hotel in London. Their engagement announcement had been posted in the London Times and it had been the topic of the week all over magazines and social media. The party was going to be extravagant. They had an open bar, a three course meal and a live band.

“Oh my god.”

The ballroom was beautiful. Each wooden chair had flowers tied to the back of it, surrounding tables set with golden cutlery with a large rose centerpiece. The tables surrounded the large dancefloor, which had a live band playing on the stage in front of it. Kate could see Benedict and Sophie dancing in the distance.

“Is that an ice sculpture of their initials?” A large ice sculpture of a D and S stood in the middle of the room on a large white table.

“Daph knows how to plan a party,” Anthony said, shrugging as he gazed around the ballroom with a small smile. “Let’s find that open bar.”

It had been a week since his argument with Colin and their conversation the next morning had sorted it out. Anthony didn’t go into too much detail but it had been a very freeing conversation for the both of them. Colin had apologized and he decided he was going to stick with university. Anthony had been good since then. He wasn’t acting distant at all. If anything, he had spent a lot more time with Kate than he needed to.

“A whiskey and a vodka cranberry please,” Anthony said to the bartender, leaning against the bar once they made their way through the crowd after stopping to say hello to various guests. “I still can’t believe this is actually happening.”

She nodded. “I still can’t believe she asked me to be her bridesmaid.”

“I can,” He said it so bluntly, as if it’s obvious. “You’re family, Kate.”

They shared a small smile, that warm feeling fluttering widely inside of her stomach. “You’re my family too.”

“Before you ask,” Kate said, swiftly moving on from their heartfelt moment as it was a little too much to handle at the moment. Emotions made her hot and she couldn’t afford to sweat in this dress. She didn’t want to have to try dry her sweat patches in the bathroom again. “I am not going suit shopping with you.”

“Oh, no problem there,” said Anthony, a devilish smirk on his face. “You’ll be too busy dress shopping with Daphne.”

The smile dropped right off Kate’s face.

They were all sitting at their respective tables later in the evening during dinner. Dessert had been served and it was time for Anthony’s speech. The Bridgertons were at one large table in the centre of the room, along with Kate and Sophie. Gregory was sitting on Kate’s lap, since he had kept flicking peas at Hyacinth during dinner.

Anthony clinked his champagne flute, standing up and clearing his throat. “Hello, everyone. If we haven’t met, I’m Anthony Bridgerton. Brother of the bride and best friend of the groom.” Kate’s eyes flicked towards Simon, whose face broke out into a small smile he tried to contain. “On behalf of my family and Simon and Daphne, I would like to thank you all for joining us to celebrate their engagement.”

There was a loud clatter of hands clapping throughout the room before they faded softly as Anthony continued to speak. “Normally, this would be when the father of the bride would speak. Our father couldn’t be here with us today, so I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”

There was a small ring of laughter around the room with a hint of sadness. Edmund Bridgerton’s absence

“I’ll make this quick as I know everyone is eager to dance and get back to the open bar. I’m incredibly proud to be Daphne’s brother. I’m also incredibly proud to be Simon’s best friend and best man. I’ve watched Daphne grow up and no one can take credit for the incredible woman she has become. I’m eternally grateful I have gotten to witness it.”

“I’ve known Simon since we were eleven years old. I’ve also witnessed Simon growing up, which really only started when he was twenty four years old.” There was another ring of laughter around the room, including Simons. Since Simon had stood up for Anthony during his argument with Colin, things had turned a new leaf with them. He had popped around the flat after Colin had gone to see Anthony. He had been over three times this week alone. It reminded Kate of how it was before.

He had even asked Anthony to be his best man yesterday during a round of golf.

“I’m very happy that you two have found each other. Finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and being brave enough to take that opportunity and hold onto it is a very admirable thing. It’s an incredible thing, to find someone who makes everything make sense.” Anthony cleared his throat, clearly a bit flustered. “I’d like to raise a glass to Daphne and Simon. I wish you both nothing but happiness and love for the rest of your lives. To Daphne and Simon.”

“To Daphne and Simon!” The crowd echoed as everyone raised their glass to the happy couple.

There was a loud round of applause, including Daphne and Simon standing up to hug Anthony after he finished his speech. Kate shot him a wide smile as Hyacinth dragged him onto the dancefloor as the band began to play. He had promised her to dance all evening and it was finally time.

Kate smiled as she watched Anthony dance with Hyacinth on the dancefloor. She was standing on his feet, giggling loudly as Anthony moved her around the dancefloor on his shoes. He also lifted her up, twirling her around.

“You look absolutely gorgeous tonight.”

Kate turned around, slightly startled and smiled as Violet Bridgerton sat down beside her. “Thank you. So do you. This is an incredible party.”

“I can’t believe my baby is getting married,” Violet said softly, smiling at Daphne and Simon dancing and laughing on the dance floor. “It seems like only yesterday she was asking me to tie her shoelaces. Now I’m helping her plan her wedding.”

Kate laughed softly, giving Violet a warm smile. “Please don’t let her put me in a poofy dress.”

Violet laughed loudly, shaking her head. “I promise. It’s the least I could do for you, Kate.”

Kate noticed how Violet’s tone dropped as she spoke and she turned to look at her in confusion.

“I owe you a great deal, Kate. After everything that happened last week,” Violet said, her voice trailing off slightly as she composed herself before continuing. “I truly realized that you have been the person who was there for Anthony like I should have been. I know I failed him. It’s something I will carry with me forever. I can only try to be better. I’m just incredibly grateful that you were there for him in ways I wasn’t.”

Kate opened her mouth to speak but she didn’t know how she could reply to that. She had to say something. “I always will be. You raised a very good person.”

“I’m glad you’re the longest relationship Anthony’s ever had.”

Kate turned to her, puzzled with slightly pink cheeks. “You mean friendship.“

Violet just smiled, a dangerous smile that made Kate anxious, and turned her head back to the dancefloor.

Kate downed her champagne glass in one gulp.

She made eye contact with Anthony across the room, who was now alone as Hyacinth ran off after Gregory outside towards the gardens. Anthony strode towards her, looking incredibly free and handsome in his suit. He extended his hand toward her. “Dance with me, Sheffield. Come on.”

Kate rolled her eyes, slipping her hand into his. “If I must.”

Anthony led her to the dancefloor, where they slowly swayed as the music turned to a slow song. Kate wrapped her arms around his neck, ignoring the intimacy of their current position. “That was quite a speech, Bridgerton.”

“Thank you,” Anthony said, smiling down at her as his hand moved to grip her waist. “I took someone’s advice and spoke from the heart.”

“She sounds really smart.”

“She’s a pain in the arse, actually.”

Kate stuck out her tongue, which only made Anthony laugh harder. “Thank you. It was good advice.”

“Your dad would have been proud. It truly was lovely.”

“Thanks, Kate.” He said softly, leaning his head forward until his chin rested lightly on the top of her head.

They swayed there until the music changed and Anthony begant to twirl her around. They were eventually joined by Edwina, Matthew and the rest of the Bridgertons. Everyone was laughing and dancing the night away.

It was one of the best nights of her life.

All the inner turmoil and anguish she had felt lately wasn’t at the surface for once. She still didn’t know whether she was going to tell Anthony how she felt. She didn’t want to think about it tonight. Anthony was smiling and he seemed to be himself again.

Kate had a feeling things were finally going to get better.

How wrong she was.

.

Henry Granville, a renowned English artist and owner of London’s famous galleries had contacted Benedict earlier in the year to set up a gallery of his photography in one of his galleries.

Benedict’s instagram fame had caught the attention of Henry, who asked Benedict to show him his portfolios and more of his photographs. They had set up the exhibit together. He had taken Benedict under his wing, he was helping Ben explore painting and improve his skills.

Tonight was the opening night of his photography exhibit in the gallery.

Kate had finally moved into her flat during the week, so scrambling through her boxes to try to find a suitable dress and heels was a challenge but she finally looked presentable by the time Anthony arrived in their Uber to pick her up.

She went with white heels and a long black bodycon dress she wore to meetings with their most expensive clients at work. Art was for posh people, so Kate presumed the dress code was extra-fancy tonight. She wasn’t taking any chances.

Kate was waiting on the path as Anthony and the uber pulled up. She opened up the door, grinning at him and twirling. “Do I look like someone who understands art?”

“Absolutely,” Anthony said, laughing at her as he scooted over to let her climb in. “All you need is an easel and a paintbrush and I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. You look great, by the way.”

Kate blushed slightly, biting her lip. “You don’t look so bad yourself.”

“What do you know about art?”

Absolutely piss all. “I know that guy. Leonardo DiCaprio?”

Anthony snorted. “DaVinci.”

“That’s the one.”

They arrived at the gallery, which was already packed as the opening night was in full swing. They made their way through the gallery until they found Benedict, who had a beaming Sophie beside her.

Kate gave her a big hug, grinning at her. “Excuse me. We’re in a gallery and I’m looking at a masterpiece.”

“Oh stop it,” Sophie said, laughing at her as she wrapped her arms around Kate and kissed her cheek. Sophie’s long blonde hair lay in bouncy curls down her back and she was wearing a beautiful silk baby blue dress. “You look absolutely beautiful, Kate.”

“I’m proud of you.” Anthony said, ruffling Benedict’s hair and putting him in a headlock.

Kate reached up to hug him, “It’s amazing. Seriously Ben, well done.”

“Have you been around fully yet?”

Kate shook her head. “No, not yet. We just got here.”

Benedict gave Anthony and Kate a strange look. “I’ll catch up with you two before you get to the last piece. The exhibit starts over there.”

Kate shot Anthony a questioning look but he just shrugged, nodding as he clapped Benedict on the shoulder as they headed towards the

The exhibit was fantastic. The photographs were incredible. It was an exhibit of life. There was a lot from his travels in recent years, from Africa to the Alps. He had pictures of animals from his trip around Africa two years ago. There was a picture of Sophie laughing, with her head tilted back and her wavy hair floating in the air. There was a picture of Anthony, with Hyacinth on his shoulders and Gregory in his arms.

When Kate finally saw the last photo, Benedict’s strange behaviour earlier suddenly made a lot of sense.

It was a picture of them.

It was titled eight years.

It was a large canvas. Every part of the canvas was covered in pictures of them and some faded into the background. They were pictures taken throughout the years, taken by Benedict. They were laughing at each other in most of them, with faces looking at each other and not at the camera.

Kate felt so incredibly overwhelmed. From the look of shock on Anthony’s face that mirrored her own, he hadn’t known about this either. They didn’t say one word to each other. They just stared at the pictures in front of them.

Kate quickly noticed the pictures were in chronological order. The first picture in the top corner of the canvas was when Ben visited Anthony during the second month of university. The two of them were lying on the grass in one of the college’s gardens, a bottle of champagne between them.

It was almost like Ben was trying to tell a story.

Their story.

The story of us.

There were so many pictures. There was another picture of Kate posing with Anthony’s lucky black mallet, after the annual Bridgerton pall mall game, with a sulking Anthony beside her during her first trip to Aubrey Hall. There was another picture of them, with her on his back. It was when they had finished their final exams for the last time, covered in confetti and champagne that their friends had sprayed all over them.

There was a picture of them laughing at each other in their graduation robes. There was another one of them and Newton at a park. There was another of them swinging Hyacinth between them at her birthday party. There was another of them dancing at Simon and Daphne’s engagement party.

“If it isn’t the stars of the hour,” A man said loudly, appearing beside Kate and Anthony and extending his hand. “I would recognize you two anywhere. I’m Henry Granville. It’s a pleasure to meet you. You have a very talented brother, Mr. Bridgerton.”

Kate and Anthony shook his hand warily, both still staring at the picture as they introduced themselves. Benedict and Sophie appeared at his side and the anxious look on Benedict’s face told it all. He glanced warily at Anthony, who hadn’t taken his eyes off the canvas.

“It’s an excellent piece,” Henry said, cheerfully grinning at Kate, Anthony, Benedict and Sophie. “It’s the most popular piece so far. I had to insist Benedict include it in the exhibit.”

“What did you say again was your inspiration behind it?” Henry asked, completely oblivious to the tense atmosphere in their current conversation.

Benedict took a moment before he replied. “The truth.”

Kate didn’t know what was going on. She wasn’t sure what Benedict meant and she really didn’t want to let herself fall into a trap that would end with her feelings hurt. Dreams were dreams and they couldn’t always be indulged. What did he mean by the truth?

“Excuse me.” Anthony said sharply, turning around and practically running away from the conversation.

“It was so nice to meet you.” Kate said, smiling apologetically as she made her way through the crowd, following Anthony’s brown head out towards the emergency exit that led to an ally.

“What was that about?” Kate asked, catching her breath as the cool night air hit her. She wrapped her arms around herself, her coat was in the cloak room inside. “That was really rude, Anthony.”

Anthony stared at her in disbelief, the fine lines on his forehead showing how stressed and tense he was. He looked absolutely furious.

“Did I miss something? Why are you so angry?” Kate didn’t know why she was playing dumb. She knew what the canvas looked like. It didn’t look like they were just friends. It was incredibly intimate and she didn’t think it was okay for Benedict to display them like that. She didn’t care about that at that moment. She didn’t understand why the thought of people perceiving them to be together was so upsetting to Anthony and she wanted to know why. She had to know.

It was finally time to confess.

“He should have asked.”

“Ben?” Yeah, sure. It was an intimate photograph. Kate didn’t really warm to the idea of her pictures being up for so many people to see but she didn’t mind it if it was Benedict’s way of expressing his art. “It’s only a few photos. The one of you, Hyacinth and Gregory is lovely.”

“I’m not talking about the others,” He said harshly, leaning against the brick wall of the gallery building. “That’s the one I have the problem with.”

What was so offensive about it? Kate felt herself getting defensive, not of the bloody pictures but of herself. “It’s just a few pictures, Anthony.”

“Do you not see what was on that canvas?” Anthony asked her, waving his arms in the air. “He’s made it look like we’re together.”

“No he hasn’t,” Kate spluttered, starting to feel incredibly warm despite the freezing January air. “It’s just a canvas of...friendship.”

“Come off it,” Anthony said bitterly, shaking his head in disbelief. “He’s made it out to be one big fucking love story.”

There it was.

He sounded disgusted, as if the thought of them being together was so unfathomable it was sickening. Kate stared at him, feeling an overwhelming sinking feeling in her stomach.

Anthony was pacing back and forth in the ally, the horns and ruckus of London fading into the background. He had pulled his tie off, the blue satin material was hanging loosely around his neck.

“Why are you so upset?” Kate asked, not entirely sure if she was ready for his answer. She was confused and upset about his outburst inside and about how stressed he looked. She knew Anthony more than she knew herself and a pacing, disheveled Anthony meant something was very wrong.

It was the calm before the storm.

”Why aren’t you?” His head snapped to the side to look at her as he finally came to a stop.

“Are we finally doing this then?” Kate’s question hung in the air, the weight of its implications making Kate’s chest tighten painfully.

He let out a deep sigh, their eyes never breaking contact as the meaning of her words sunk into them. He knew what she was asking but he chose to pretend he didn’t. “Doing what, Kate?”

“Being honest.”

“I’m not getting into this with you.” He said, shaking his head as he started to walk away from her. Kate was not letting that happen. He didn’t get to run away. She grabbed his arm, not roughly but firmly enough so he would stop.

The confusion and emotions of the last few weeks was rising to the surface. She didn’t want to stop it. Anthony had been so distant for weeks and then he spent a week back to normal. Now he’s angry with her over a photo? It wasn’t fair.

“I want to know what the hell has been going on with you. I don’t deserve this. You’re meant to be my best friend and up until last week, you were barely speaking to me. We lived together and I never saw you. You were avoiding me. Why?”

Anthony gulped, breaking eye contact as he processed her words. “I wasn’t avoiding you.” That was a pathetic attempt at a lie, especially for Anthony.

“It’s been eight years, Anthony,” Kate said bluntly. “I know by now when you’re lying.”

“Maybe I’ve had things going on, Kate. Things that have nothing to do with you.”

“I’m meant to be your best friend. Why can’t you talk to me about what’s been going on with you? We’ve never done that before. We’ve always told each other everything-”

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Anthony swiftly interrupted her, shaking his head in disbelief. “You want to be honest? Let’s be honest. There’s always been something I can’t talk to you about Kate!” He snapped, finally losing his composure. “There’s always been things we can’t talk to each other about.”

“Like what?”

“You know exactly what I mean. Don’t play dumb.”

“I’m smarter than you, Anthony.” They were glaring furiously at each other, this was an argument like no other they had ever had before. “I just didn’t think you were brave enough to say it. Clearly, I was right.”

It was a challenge and he took the bait.

“Fine then,” He said, his lips in a flat line. “Why didn’t you like Siena?”

Kate hadn’t expected that. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“Why didn’t you like David?” She retorted, raising an eyebrow.

“And I’m not the brave one? Well, let’s see. How long do we have?” Anthony waved his watch in the air. “Should I start with the cheating or him being a complete knob?”

Kate shook her head in disbelief. “I knew you would never take this conversation seriously. Go ahead. We both know you didn’t like him because he was with me. But go ahead. Just avoid talking about your feelings with excuses, sarcasm and insults. How’s that been working out for you?”

“Fine!” She shrieked, waving her hands in the air. “I didn’t like Siena because I liked you, Anthony. I didn’t just like you. I loved you. I was completely and utterly in love with you. No, actually, I am completely and utterly in love with you. I’ve tried everything. I can’t shake it. I can’t shake you. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep dancing around my feelings for you. I’ve doubted myself for so long, that it wasn’t possible for you to feel the same way. But you haven’t been fair. There’s been so many moments where it wasn’t just me. Friends don’t behave like we do.”

Her confession left them both stunned, the weight of its implications hanging in the air. Anthony stared at her in complete disbelief. He didn’t say anything. The silence turned into a minute as they stood there in that alley, neither of them saying a word.

He wasn’t saying anything. He wasn’t saying it back. He just stared at her with a blank expression.

Kate had to protect herself now.

“I’m sorry the thought of being with me is so hard to stomach, Anthony, but get the fuck over yourself. You’re being incredibly selfish, this is Benedict’s day. I know it’s difficult, but not everything is about you. It’s just a bloody picture.”

“That’s not what I meant,” He started, but scowled. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? That picture is going to make people think we’re together Kate.”

That was it. That was the reason he was so upset. He didn’t love her back. He barely acknowledged that she had just told him she had been in love with him for eight years. He didn’t want people to think they were together. That’s why he was so upset.

Her worst fear had been true all along.

He didn’t love her.

Kate would always hate herself for what she did next but in that moment, she wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurt her.

“Don’t worry Anthony,” She said dryly. “A few pictures with me hanging in a gallery won’t damage your chances of taking home some random girl so you can pretend for a while that you’re not completely fucking miserable.”

“Is that what you really think?” He asked, staring at her in disbelief. “I’m so sorry I’m not perfect, Kate. No one can ever live up to little Miss Perfect Kate Sheffield’s standards. Maybe if you got off your high and mighty pedestal and stopped judging me for a few seconds, you’d realize that at the end of the day, you’re just as fucking alone as I am. I just do something about it.”

“I would hardly call shagging random strangers doing something about it,” Kate snapped back, his words stinging her more than she would let him see. “At least my first instinct isn’t to sleep with anyone in sight because of how empty I am inside.”

“It’s better than staying with a prick for two years who made me fucking miserable. How did that work out for you?”

Kate gasped, as if he had knocked the wind out of her. “Fuck you.”

“I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry,” Anthony said, running his hands through his hair and pulling at it. “Kate. There’s a reason we have never happened. It wasn’t just you who flirted and felt..feel things. We wouldn’t work. We’re too good friends for something to ever happen. I’m not good at relationships. I’d find a way to fuck this up and lose you forever. Look at us now. We’d kill each other. It’s why it was best to forget what happened at my birthday-”

Kate completely froze. “What did you just say?”

Anthony's eyes widened as he stared at her, it dawned on him what he had just admitted.

“That morning,” Kate said slowly, shaking her head in disbelief. “You...you acted like you didn’t remember the kiss. You told me you didn’t remember anything that happened that night.”

Anthony actually looked ashamed. He looked down at the concrete and back up at her, biting his bottom lip. “I thought it was best to forget.”

“That’s so much worse. I...I’ve thought for the past year that you didn’t remember.” Kate looked up at him with horror. “Do I mean that little to you?”

Anthony rapidly shook his head. “Kate, I was protecting our friendship-”

She felt like she was going to get sick. “You’re a coward. How could you just-just pretend nothing happened? What is wrong with you?”

“I didn’t want to risk losing our friendship. What if we didn’t work out? How could we get past that? I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Please, just listen-”

“Fuck your friendship. Do you know how terrible I’ve felt? How stupid I felt? That night meant everything to me, Anthony. I woke up that morning thinking everything that I had wanted was finally going to happen. I...I.” She stopped speaking, the lump in her throat taking over her ability to speak. “I’ve been in love with you since I was eighteen years old.”

He reached his hand out towards her, which she slapped away. “Kate, please-”

“No, you know what,” She said, shaking her head erratically. “You were right the first time. Let’s forget. Actually, let’s just forget this. Let’s forget we were ever friends.”

For the second time in her life, she saw Anthony Bridgerton cry. “You don’t mean that,” He said with a shaky voice, quickly wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “Please, let me explain-”

“I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Kate began to stumble back towards the door, wrenching it open. “Forget me. I don’t want to speak to you ever again.”

He didn’t call. Or text.

She nearly did a million times.

It had been exactly nine hours since the gallery and their argument, and it had been the longest nine hours of her life. Newton was with Mary for the week while Kate settled into her flat, so she was all alone. She didn’t want to think about him. She wouldn’t keep replaying their fight in her mind.

Kate had barely gone two days without speaking to Anthony since they’d become friends. Now, it would be forever.

She felt like she was dying, like she had lost this part of herself-and honestly, she had. She had never wanted that kind of love, that kind of need, where a person becomes a part of you. Losing her father had made her never want to feel that pain again.

Her father was gone. Now, so was Anthony.

She still got up and showered the next morning. On Saturdays, she always went roller skating with Edwina. Ed had been at the gallery last night and had tried to speak to Kate as she rushed through to grab her coat and go home. Kate told her she didn’t want to speak about it.

If she did, she would break.

Kate arrived half an hour early at Hyde Park. She had barely slept last night and she needed to get out of her flat before she screamed.

“You are fine. You’re going to skate in the park and forget about him. You’re fine.” She was now talking to herself. Her skating had improved over the past few months, she had even ditched the ugly knee pads Mary had bought her for Christmas. She pulled on her skates and began to skate through Hyde Park, music in her ears, and she only managed to think about Anthony only ever thirty seconds.

“Oh! I’m sorry buddy, I didn’t see you.” Kate said, quickly moving around a Labrador that had run in front of her in the pedestrian lane and stepping into the bike lane.

Kate didn’t see the bike that hit her a few seconds later either.

[silversatoru]

Heyo! Can I get some fluff with the #8 quote for Gojo :] I perfer female reader and i don't mind with any au. Hope you feel well and have a good day!

— GOJO + “DO YOU THINK ALIENS ARE REAL?”

gojo satoru x gn!reader

synopsis: your secret boyfriend knocks on your window and steals you for a lil nighttime date in the sky

t/w: gojo is a second year, heights, tooth-rotting fluff, literally just two teenagers hopelessly in love w each other

a/n: thank u for requesting :) i loved writing this so so so much and i could see myself turning this concept into a multiple part series once i have more time to write. gojo as a student being happy and in love fills my heart <3

you strained your eyes at the fine printed lines of your biology textbook, rereading the same paragraph for the fifth time and hoping you would finally retain it. you couldn’t seem to focus no matter how hard you tried, your mind drifting everywhere other than your study materials.

a soft patter on your second-story window jolted you out of your scattered thoughts, your eyes darting up to the source of the noise. your gaze fell upon a certain white-haired boy, a cheesy grin spread across his face as he poked his finger at your window a few more times. you rolled your eyes, pulling yourself out of bed and gently pushing open your window in a desperate attempt to avoid making any loud noises.

“what are you doing here? it’s really late,” you hissed at him, trying to appear angry but unable to hide the smile that was tugging at your lips.

“i missed you,” he reached out his hand and held it open for you, “are you busy tonight?”

you took one last hesitant glance at your textbook and then shook your head and intertwined your fingers with his, “not at all”.

he helped you climb out through the window, a cool nighttime breeze stinging your cheeks. this was your weekly routine, you and the infamous blue-eyed boy. your parents didn’t really approve of him (maybe it was his massive ego or maybe it was the weird people he hung around with) but the two of you continued to find ways to see each other in secret. he’d use whatever insane abilities he had to teleport onto your roof and knock on your window, you’d accept, and he’d scoop you out into the night sky for a few hours. these were rare occasions though, as his role as a jujutsu sorcerer didn’t leave him with all that much free time.

tonight was just like every other, your hand wrapped in his as he teleported the two of you to an empty park that was situated on a beautiful overlook of a nearby city. nights with satoru were never less than a dream, a much needed escape from your boring life in the suburbs of tokyo. and nights with you were never less than a breath of fresh air, a few hours when all of his expectations and responsibilities of being a jujutsu sorcerer were nonexistent.

the two of you plopped down on a park bench, musing over the sparkling nighttime lights of tokyo. satoru shifted over, laying back and resting his head of fluffy hair right in your lap. your fingers instinctively found his shiny locks, twisting your fingers through the soft white while the two of you looked up at the stars.

“they’re all washed out from the bright lights, it’s hard to see,” you pouted, disappointed by the light pollution caused by the city.

“yeah it sucks,” satoru frowned — pointing out the constellations was always part of your routine, but he’d picked a bad location this time.

you hummed, massaging his head and straining your eyes to try and make out any shapes of stars in the sky.

“we could get a closer look?” he transferred his icy gaze over to you, a suspiciously evil smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“satoru, i swear if i’m thinking what you’re thinking — no,” you scolded the boy, your irrational fear of heights becoming prominent in the back of your mind.

“don’t you trust me?” he teased at you, sitting up from your lap and wrapping his hand around yours.

“more than anyone, but i do not want to-,” you continued to protest but the sorcerer boy was no longer paying any attention to your words.

when you opened your eyes again, you were thousands of feet in the sky, the city twinkling down below you and the harsh air stinging your skin. you yelped, clinging to satoru as if your life depended on it (and in sense it did, but he’d never let you get even close to falling).

“why don’t you ever listen to me!?” you cried out, eyes squeezed shut and arms thrown around his neck while he cradled you.

“shhh, look at the stars, babe,” he attempted to peel your arms from around him, using soft words to coax you out of your shell.

you slowly released your death grip on his neck, his strong arms providing a blanket of security over your fear. you forced yourself to look upward, jaw dropping at how clear the sky was — the stars stretched for miles and they were brighter than you’d ever seen them before. satoru truly was an enigma, a spectacle in your life who was constantly defying the laws of everything you knew to be true.

“it’s beautiful,” your voice came out as barely a whisper, you eyes quite literally filled with the stars as you continued to gaze up at the sky.

satoru hummed in agreement, but he was much too busy exploring every feature of your amazed face to even think about the stars. you were the most beautiful, surpassing every natural wonder in world and consuming every chamber of his heart.

he often thought about running away with you — disappearing to a different country and leaving the weight on his shoulders here. you reminded him what it was like to be a normal person — around you he wasn’t the strongest jujutsu sorcerer with the fate of the world in his hands, he was just satoru gojo; and that was always enough for you.

“do you think aliens are real, satoru?” your lighthearted, curious voice broke him out of his daydreams, a small chuckle rolling off his tongue.

in a world full of of curses and sorcery, inexplicably wrapped in his arms thousands of feet in the air, you were still questioning whether or not something like aliens existed. you truly did ground him, constantly tethering him to the normalcies of this world.

“yeah, probably, what do you think?”

“definitely real,” you affirmed, your eyebrows scrunched together in deep thought.

he couldn’t do much but laugh, turning you in his arms so the two of you were face to face now. you gazed down at the tiny city beneath you, one hand curled into his loose hoodie.

“i’m starting to like it up here,” you mused, turning your gaze back to him with a toothy smile, “feels like we’re the only two people who exist; everything else is so far away”.

“yeah,” he liked the sound of that, eyes crinkling up as he returned your smile, “we can do this more often if you like it”.

you gave him a quick nod, reaching up and pressing a quick peck to his curved lips. as you pulled back, you felt his hand wrap around the back of your neck, pulling you right back into another kiss — much deeper than the first. you melted into his arms, your senses devoid of anything other than his touch and the cool breeze whipping against your skin. when you finally pulled away, the two of you were safely back on the park bench again.

“i love you, satoru,” you breathed out, your anxiety from being in the air finally dispelling, “i wish we didn’t have to tip toe around together like this”.

“i know,” he gave your hand a small squeeze, “we should run away someday; somewhere far from here”.

“i’d follow you anywhere,” you returned his squeeze, sadness welling up in your heart as you thought about having to return home and not see him again for a while.

“that’s exactly what i wanted to hear,” he smirked, love welling in his chest as he reflected on how lucky the two of you were to have found each other in such an unfortunate life time.

an hour so later you were back in your bedroom, pressing hasty kisses to satoru’s soft lips as he leaned through the window. you wanted nothing more than to pull him in, ask him to stay, and spend the night wrapped in his arms — but you couldn’t, your parents would kill you and he had important missions to attend to.

“i’ll see you soon, i promise,” he gave you his signature smile, pressing one last kiss to your cheek and stepping away.

he put his hand to his mouth, placing a kiss to his fingertips and then blowing it towards you with a flirty wink — and then he flickered out of sight.

“see you,” you whispered, chest heavy and tears pricking at your eyes as you fantasized of the next time your blue-eyed lover would find his way back to you.