#some hurts that go too deep

[caffeineheroes]

There are people going through life and they've never read All the Young Dudes. They're just walking around unchanged, undevastated, unbroken by how after all that waiting, they hadn't had very long at all, in the end.

[lover-of-mine]

You know, my whole thing with believing Eddie fell first and Buck will inevitably fall harder comes back a lot to the way I think people misuse the trope. A fell first/B fell harder for me was never about the actual intensity of the feeling but more about how the characters handle it. A has been feeling it for longer so they know how to contain it better than B, because usually B is hit with it in a way they can't hide it, which I personally think is the most fun interpretation of it all. You can play with canon and say Eddie has been aware of something as early as the tsunami, even if I believe he named the feeling during the shooting, so it's really easy to make Eddie look like he's been coming to terms with his feelings for a while. You can very easily put intent behind Eddie's feelings going back as far as stuck. To be the one who fell first you need a level of awareness of your own feelings that Buck just simply does not have. Sure you can play with the idea of Buck feeling some form of attraction for Eddie since they met, but Buck is bad at identifying feelings, so you can't really give him the "I'm at peace with my feelings" thing as easily as you can with Eddie. Because, personally, I think Buck took what was definitely a crush and labeled it as admiration and never looked at it again, because Buck is scared of defining things because he exists in fear of being abandoned. If he doesn't look at it, he can't want it, if he doesn't want it, it can't be taken away. He has a very specific way of looking at love that will make him never look too closely at what he and Eddie have. But that also means that if he ever does catch up, it will be bursting out of him in a way he can't control. Because Buck never dealt with big feelings, so that would hit him hard. And also because Buck feels things in a big way, so it would take over. If Buck knew, it's not the type of thing you can miss. But Eddie is really good at pretending things aren't there which makes it easier for him to act as if the romantic side of his feelings for Buck won't matter in the grand scheme of things. I don't really think Eddie is at peace with his feelings, mostly because I don't think Eddie has ever felt at peace about anything ever, but also because I think the cemetery made him think no amount of waiting is gonna get Buck on the same page as him and he doesn't want to ask for it and risk being wrong, so the easiest route is to pretend it's not there, even more considering he thinks he's watching Buck fall in love with someone else, so he needs to find peace with whatever he can get. So Eddie doesn't think Buck can feel the same, leading him to not ask for what he wants, and Buck just doesn't know how to name it.

Anyway you should read my Eddie fell first essay.

[littlepawz]

I understand...but do YOU?

[cerise-on-top]

ALLO!!!!

how are you, love?!?!!? I hope driving practice has been good!!

I was wondering this the other day, cuz I was rereading one of my favorite posts of yours about Rudy, and I’m curious, why does he feel the need to be strong and not be seen as weak? Like, why doesn’t he initiate that besides feeling like it would bother his partner? I wanna know who HURT MY BABY!!! >:(

Hey there!

I'm doing fine, thank you! How are you! Driving has been alright! I passed my exam and soon I will be driving with my mother for practice! I plan to get the practical exam done sometime before November :D

I can actually give you two answers to your question, a short, but truthful one, and a longer one! Under the read more so I won't clutter anyone's dashboard ^^

In short: Rodolfo is, surprisingly, the character I project onto the most while writing! So, yeah, him being the way he is is just me projecting my personality onto him!

The long answer would be that he's actually got a bit of toxic masculinity in him. All those characters have been in the military ever since they were young, where I always liked to think the men would be rather toxic, not wanting to be seen as weak and just wanting to show off how strong and cool they are. I don't usually show too much of it in other characters, but another character who grew up and internalized some toxic masculinity, in my writing, is Soap. But he handles it a bit differently from Rodolfo. However, he would want to be seen as a traditionally strong man as well.

Rodolfo was shaped by his time in the military and started believing that he was not to show very many emotions either. Sure, he will show that he's happy, that he's somewhat annoyed, but not usually to the extent he really feels it, unless there's not a lot to that emotion in that moment. Everyone around him was a show-off, was cocky and somewhat immature as well. He has always been more mature than others his age, but it still rubbed off on him. Deep inside he does still want to show his emotions. But that's showing weakness to him. Sometimes he just wants to cry and have someone comfort him, he almost always wants someone to hold him and be sappy with him, telling him how much they love him. It doesn't even need to be a romantic kind of love, if a good friend of his was to ever tell him that they loved him then he'd be over the moon, even if he'd just answer with a simple "thanks".

Ever since he joined all those wannabe machos that believe that being strong means never showing how damaged you are, he sort of became like them. Sure, he usually has his emotions under control, you usually can't tell he's too upset unless he's about to tear someone's throat out, but that also means that the people close to him will never really hear the truth. He needs to be the big, strong man in your relationship, anything else just isn't acceptable. While he may not believe in all that alpha male nonsense, he does believe that he should be the one to make more money than his partner, that he should always take the bullet for them, that he should fight off any and all competitors out there.

It's more extreme when his partner is a woman, or female aligned, because in that case he really feels as though he has to be her pillar, that he can't show any "weakness" at all. With enough persistent persuasion, he could slowly change his mind, but it would take a while.

That toxic masculinity is also the reason why Rodolfo, as I write him, prefers men. Don't get me wrong, he still loves women, but when with a man it's not as extreme. He won't show everything he feels, but he'll be a bit more at ease. Even initially, he can be more open with a man because there's a kind of kinship he doesn't immediately have with a woman. If his partner is more open with his feelings, then he has a slightly easier time as well. If his partner is a "weak" man, who needs to be protected, then that's alright too. It shows Rodolfo that men don't always need to be those strong, aggressive beings. Besides, that toxic masculinity he believes in applies to him the most, it's not as severe with other people. So he won't hold his partner accountable for showing emotions or being affectionate with him. In fact, Rodolfo actually likes it when his partner is being affectionate with him, it means that he loves him. Rodolfo is affection starved anyway. Sure, Alejandro is affectionate with him, but it's not nearly enough to satiate him. He's very much like a black hole in that regard: No matter how much affection you throw at him, it likely isn't enough. He loves affection, but he won't show it through "normal" means, such as initiating a cuddling session, unless explicitly asked.

If asked, he will do just about anything since that's his job as a strong man, to make his partner happy. If you ask to hold him, then that's one of the only times he'll "swallow his pride". In reality, he could cry because he really just wants to be held. Deep down he wants to be pampered and taken care of as much, if not even more so than, his partner. He's actually a real sweetheart, he just can't show it all the time. Wants to be peppered in kisses and be told that he's the most handsome lad in the world. But alas, he can't even ask for comfort. If he's sad then he'll just swallow it down, not wanting to bother his partner, and, of course, to "seem stronger than he actually is".

So yeah, Rodolfo really suffers from all that toxic masculinity nonsense.

[deadrbinclub]

I’m having thoughts about the underworld saga of epic the musical and bruce/batman, specifically no longer you and monster. Bruce who isn’t stopped by superman (or superman tries but bruce through whatever means does it anyway) kills the joker and has to confront what he’s become. (Because a batman who kills the joker for jason and everyone is just happy after and nothing changes isn’t compelling to me.) Bruce who becomes exactly what he always feared he might and is horrified and disgusted with himself but can’t/wont stop because killing one man won’t change a city like gotham, the joker is a hydra and 50 heads just came back to fill his space. So bruce kills and kills because if you can justify killing one man you’ll find a reason for another. And that’s not hope to the people of gotham that’s fear and that’s not a hero, that’s a monster. I want bruce to except that title but never stop trying to help the people of his city. he won’t regret what he’s done but he’ll never be himself again and isn’t that genuinely heartbreaking.

[dutybcrne]

Me BSing hcs like: The fact that Kae is not only able to create a shield when he is dangerously low HP but also the fact that he is able to regenerate HP when he hits opponents with Frostgnaw is definitely due to him receiving his Vision when Diluc had tried to kill him in their Confrontation...but could it be possible that his familial ties to the Abyss Order could have influenced that HP drain of his-

[belladonnafleur]

I hate people with dreams because I wish I could give up mine !!

[traaumaa]

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[3am-starry-night-sky]

“I should stop looking so deep into it! Hoyoverse probably doesn’t even care that much about minor details”

Hoyoverse:

(explanation: There’s literally an 8-pointed star on Kaeya’s special dish. And a 8-pointed star is one of Khaenri’ahn symbols, as the black serpent knights carry banners with them.)

[strawberrycamel]

hguh <- considering making a sideblog for a one piece bending au i have 1) come up with today, 2) want to share art/fic for that i haven't even made yet, 3) keep making more and more notes for to the point my hand is having the very rare yet very annoying occurrence of Cramps, 4) been assailed with so many domestic and gag ideas and a handful of really unoriginal fight scenes, and 5) as i'm typing this i'm realizing none of these are reasons not to make a sideblog and yet i am still paralyzed by the very likely fact that i will not want to bother with this whole idea tomorrow when the coffee has finally filtered fully out of my system and will have to do the proverbial walk of shame that is deleting the sideblog i made less than 24 hours prior

[weenie-kun]

so shining live is shutting down after all. the biggest reason this sucks is because next to the anime it was the only other thing international fans could easily access content wise (+ in eng) so thats a bummer. on the other hand the writing or art wasnt much to write home about and it got kind of samey so its ran its course i suppose. rip

thus continues my wait for the utapri games to be localised before i die (which is likely never but i can dream)

[gch1995]

Hi! Been thinking about Luke and Vader. How do you think Luke went from wanting to die to believing there was good in Vader? What caused that change/acceptance?

I have a lot of sympathy for Anakin/Darth Vader, and I don’t think it’s fair to place blame on just him for becoming such a deeply dysfunctional and horrifying human disaster as an adult, considering how deeply compromised his agency was his entire life under a series of abusive, hypocritical, and oppressive authority figures within a dystopian galaxy’s fucked up institutions. However, that doesn’t mean Luke wouldn’t have still had absolutely every right to hate his father for hurting him, his friends, and the many other people throughout the galaxy either.

Yet, ultimately Luke didn’t hate his father, even after Darth Vader reached out to him through the force by torturing his son’s friends, stalking him, abducting him, terrorizing him, threatening him, and cutting off his hand to try to coerce him to join the dark side in Empire Strikes Back.

Why?

I think the most obvious reason is that, with a little space and time to recover from the trauma that his father put him through in his efforts to find him and recruit him to the dark side, Luke ultimately sensed the good within Anakin beneath the darkness after he revealed that he was doing all this because Luke was his son, his family, who wanted freedom from Sidious and someone better to bond with than that sadistic asshole his current master was.

Also, in spite of how awful and dangerous it was for Anakin to terrorize Luke, cut off his hand, and threaten him like that on Bespin to try to recruit him to the dark side, he intentionally goes out of his way to avoid outright killing his son by going easy on him battle, giving him chances to escape, and trying to recruit him to the dark side to bond with his son and gain freedom, rather than bringing him to the Emperor.

Yes, he’s being awful, cowardly, and selfish in his methods, but Anakin is also trying to more easily avoid the possibility of one of them getting killed by Palpatine or one another by going after his son to try to recruit him to the dark side to overthrow the Emperor because he knows his master will do worse to Luke and/or himself if he finds out the truth about his son still being alive and a Jedi.

In Empire Strikes Back, Anakin also tells Luke “Don’t make me destroy you” when his son skitters away from him in terror. Though he went about looking for Luke pretty obsessively to try to recruit him for the dark side, once his son actually refuses to be swayed to the dark side by his father on Bespin after being abducted, terrorized, and amputated by him, Anakin notably doesn’t keep hunting down Luke to try to recruit him to the dark side or personally kill him for refusing after he runs away in terror in the movie. He’s upset about it, sure, but he really never wanted for Luke to be killed or hurt long term either.

Then, you also have to examine the fact that Luke didn’t really ever view Owen and Beru Lars as his parents. Though they loved Luke, and he loved them, Owen and Beru still never encouraged Luke to view them as his parents either. They were Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen to Luke, but never mom and dad to him. Luke really wanted someone to be able to identify as his parents. Anakin, flawed as he was, was the first person in Luke’s life to identify themselves as one his parents he had been missing his whole life, which is also why he was particularly desperate to bond with his father and inspire him to turn back to the light side.

If you guys want to chime in, you can!

@abla-soso

@fanfic-lover-girl

@fanfictasia

@komikbookgeek

@yoghurtconsumer

[rohirric-hunter]

Head hurty

[amatres]

anyway my thoughts on discourse is remember that's a whole other human being on the other side

[masquenoire]

@riddlethat​ asked: what would he be like as a father? like, to his own child??

(Continued under the cut!)

Distant for the most part. Roman has very few, if any, good memories of his own parents while growing up and has no desire to perpetuate his experiences onto a small child. Mr. and Mrs. Sionis were domineering and self-centered people, utterly obsessed with their self-image and how others perceived them. Roman’s no different but the thing is he doesn’t pretend he’s a good man. His parents did and in public they portrayed themselves as a loving family, plastering fake smiles plastered on their faces as readily as the lies they spouted. Behind closed doors, life was a very different story where they openly reviled their son, if they weren’t pretending he didn’t exist or otherwise dismissing him as a nuisance in their lives. As a result, Roman would find it difficult to connect with a child. He’s cruel, vulgar and foul in every imaginable way, his idea of a good time being brutally torturing some hapless fool and making their death a slow and excruciating one. There’s no room for innocence in the life of a mob boss but upon becoming a father, Roman would at the very least try. What are they interested in? Are there certain things they like? All these and more he’d try to find out about his charge, gradually spending more time with them before asking upfront the more comfortable he gets. He’s not taking them to the ball game anytime soon but he will fund their interests and activities, treating them to the best of his abilities as a way to make up for the lack of presence in their life. It’s for the best, or so Roman believes. He’s a deeply troubled man who is prone to explosive violence and unspeakable acts of cruelty, plus with so many enemies who’d just love to use his children as a way to target him, keeping his distance is the best way to avoid them getting hurt. He’ll kill for them, and gladly do it too, but his own upbringing makes him too afraid to get more involved, out for fear of being just like his own parents once were.

[13eyond13]

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