#some things i could elaborate on but i kind of don't care enough to LOL. i just don't see how the show/season could have gone another way

[eastgaysian]

Hey, I wasn't sure if I should say so or not in case it would be upsetting to you, but since you brought up the idea of a survey I thought I'd say that I have lost a parent & like you the current season of Succession has had a cathartic effect on me. I've also seen one person on twt say that's the case for them too, so I'm willing to bet a lot of ppl who've lost a parent feels similarly and like... Regardless of if it's a "good" season or not, I think media that helps me process my grief is a positive thing, it has value, or what have you. Obv it's fine for ppl to dislike the season, & ofc I don't wish others could exp that kind of loss, but like 🤷🏻‍♀️ sometimes things don't resonate with you until you've experienced smth, & sometimes that happens when you're 0-10, sometimes when you're 50-60

yeah, i started noticing a gap in reactions after connor's wedding between people saying 'that felt far too much like my own experience with a parent/family member dying' and people who acknowledged the skillful execution of the episode but didn't seem to personally connect to it (which generated a couple takes on logan's death and the perceived indignity of it that rubbed me the wrong way, lol). on the one hand my continued posting about the Discourse is because it's aggravating to me, like why is the hot topic of fan discussion 'is the show we're all watching even good?' ??? but on the other, it's genuinely just confusing to me and i'm trying to understand what i'm missing. the minor criticisms that people have cited as the root cause of their dissatisfaction don't add up to me. they feel much more like things that are only noticeable/irritating if you already have some fundamental issue or disconnect with the season.

and i think it really is that this is a season about grief and only about grief, there's no space for anything else. the emotional arcs in other seasons were usually related but distinct - you could focus in on what you liked in particular, whether that was kendall's mental breakdown, roman's freudian mess, shiv's struggle to be taken seriously as a woman, shiv and tom's failmarriage, tom and greg's weirdness, and there'd be enough material for you to chew on and have a good time without worrying all that much about everything else (although i do think being able to understand how all of these connect improves your experience of the show immensely, but i digress).

s4 is about grief. everyone is reacting to logan's death in different ways, but it all comes back to grief. if you're interested in talking about grief, there's so much to explore. if you don't find that engaging, then you're out of luck. it's fine to not find that engaging because you wanted something else out of the season/show, but that doesn't make the season objectively bad or subject to flaws that weren't already present throughout the rest of the show. and yeah, based on my reaction and the reactions of other people i've seen who have that personal experience with death, i think it's a really spectacular depiction of loss and grief that handles all the complex emotions involved with more thought and care than i've seen in other media. it would not be as accurate or impactful a depiction of grief if time and space was spent on something completely unrelated.

i don't think you need to have lost a close family member to connect to the storyline, but i also don't think you can understand what it's like until it happens in your own life. it fucked me up badly when my aunt died in middle school because she had been a major part of my childhood, but the degree to which my dad dying fundamentally altered my life is just incomparable to anything else. you really cannot experience grief as a concept or thought experiment, a person's death is real and permanent in a way nothing else really is. which sounds obvious but it's just true

[i-heart-hxh]

Hey! This is purely me and my morbid curiosity asking, but you mentioned you buy in to the pregnancy stone oops baby Gon origin story more than an actual mother. Can you elaborate, even if it falls with what others may have already brought up? I'd love to get your take! (also, I sent a review of your chapter 4 hxhbb fic, but I think it might've been eaten!)

Hi!

So, I do buy into it, somewhat! I think, for the time being, it's the best theory we have on Gon's parentage. There are a few interesting details related to it.

First off, Togashi included this woman with Ging in some of his early HxH concept drawings, from November 1997:

People have speculated that the woman next to Ging might be Gon's mother, however there isn't actually conclusive evidence of this--it's just a theory. It could also be an early design concept for Mito, Menchi, or one of the other female characters from the series, as the drawing isn't labeled with a name or description like some of the others. Or, she could be a scrapped concept even if she was intended at the time to be Gon's mother, as clearly this isn't finalized in any way.

You can read about this drawing a bit more here!

However, of course within the series itself we have no info on who Gon's mother might be, and Togashi did bother to include the Pregnancy Stone card:

Now, an interesting connection with this is that Togashi is known to have read the BL manga Patalliro!, as he based Hiei's hair off one of the characters, Scunky:

(From a doujinshi Togashi released, Yoshirin de Pon!)

There is also an unconfirmed but very reasonable theory that Killua may have been based in part of the character Maraich from Patalliro!, as the basis of both characters is similar and we know for a fact from the above image Togashi has read Patalliro!.

Now, how does this connect to the Pregnancy Stone theory? Well, Patalliro! also has mpreg as part of its storyline (with biologically male Maraich getting pregnant twice through unexplained means, with one of these pregnancies leading to a son), and considering Togashi may have used other elements from Patalliro! as inspiration... You can see where I'm going with this. I do think it's interesting he put the Pregnancy Stone card in the series to begin with, and there's also the Panda Maid card ("excellent at taking care of human children"), and Ging has used a panda plush as a substitute for himself in the Election arc. Coincidence? Hmmm...

Image taken from this post, explaining more about the Pregnancy Stone theory.

My personal feelings now that I've laid all this info out are basically... I've talked a lot about how intentional Togashi's storytelling is and how much attention he pays to things, so I think he planted this knowing people would consider it a possibility, at the very least. We don't have any other theories about Gon's mom that have this much to go off of. It's possible he will reveal more info eventually and either make this more likely or explain Gon's origin in some other, totally different way, but for now I think this is compelling--there are enough pieces that it is a legitimate possibility.

I'm not someone who is interested in mpreg (or any kind of preg, for that matter, LOL), so I don't spend a lot of time thinking about this whole situation or the mechanics behind it, but I do think it would be pretty hilarious if this does canonically end up being Gon's origin story after all. Just such a wild way for Gon to come into existence. It'll be interesting to see if we ever get answers with regards to who/where Gon came from, whether it's by Pregnancy Stone or not.

It's a fun topic because it seems so goofy and farfetched initially, but the more you look at it, the more it's like, "Actually..." 🤔

(And thanks again for the review, my apologies that it took me a while to reply!)

[serial-serializednovelreader]

Nova's Notes - North and South - Chapter 3

Last time we saw our heroine Margaret, she had just received word that Henry Lennox had come to call on her. Let's see how it goes!

So, she is excited to see Henry, as she has just been thinking about him and his promise. Margaret is a little surprised though, since he's supposed to be off with Edith and his brother on their honeymoon.

*record scratch* Hold up, he was accompanying them on their honeymoon??? I know right! And not just him, but his uncle as well? What kind of monster is he?

Well, five seconds ago, I would've agreed with you, but I was able to find this article that points to this being a fairly common practice in order to ease the woman into the marriage (not exactly an academic source, but the first one I found). So, he's not intruding or third-wheeling, but instead helping grow the marriage. What a nice guy, right? Well...avid readers of this will know I'm not Henry's biggest fan, and in the first few sentences he -- again -- says something that raises my hackles a bit.

“'Oh!' said he, more lightly, 'our young couple were playing such foolish pranks, running all sorts of risks, climbing this mountain, sailing on that lake, that I really thought they needed a Mentor to take care of them. And indeed they did: they were quite beyond my uncle’s management, and kept the old gentleman in a panic for sixteen hours out of the twenty-four. Indeed, when I once saw how unfit they were to be trusted alone, I thought it my duty not to leave them till I had seen them safely embarked at Plymouth.'”

Oh no, our couple has done the horrible problem of -- *checks notes* -- having fun on their honeymoon...? If their version of a "prank" is ditching their relatives to get some alone time -- uh, yeah, I would too!!! I mean, I guess I can see where he's coming from on some of these points if they truly are taking dangerous risks, but it honestly sounds like they're trying to sneak in some alone time here and doing fun couple activities together. It's not good that the uncle is panicking, but his brother is in the army. Surely he's prepared for things like mountain climbing and saying they're "unfit to be alone" is quite ridiculous. If he's worried about them doing...other kinds of activities while alone...I hate to tell him, but they're already married so that ship has sailed (literally). If he's truly worried about "danger," how is he -- a lawyer -- more prepared to face it than his brother who's in the army? (Not that lawyers can't face danger, considering Jonathan from Dracula is a lawyer and he just climbed a castle wall not too long ago, but that's a different book/genre lol). Also presenting himself as a "Mentor" (capital M) is HILARIOUS to me considering a) he's younger than at least one of them and b) mentor to what? Being married??? Henry???? He probably means climbing or sailing, but my version is funnier -- just saying.

I guess he might also be kidding about some of this, which is something I should have considered but didn't because I don't pick up well on social cues (I'm like Margaret in that way: we'll get there :D). So if he is kidding, sorry about that, but if I'm to take what he's saying at face value here, he just sounds like a nuisance to the couple. He says he's now "relieved of many responsibilities" but it just sounds like he put those responsibilities on himself.

He then gives her a note from Edith and she doesn't want to read it in front of him because she "half wish[ed] to read it alone and unwatched". I find this interesting that she has to make up an excuse to get away from him here, just to do so! Is it because Margaret doesn't feel comfortable reading letters in front of people in general, or because Henry specifically causes the discomfort? Gaskell doesn't elaborate, but I'll keep an eye out for if she feels comfortable enough to read a letter in front of anyone else in a future chapter, because either could be valid.

Henry begins to look around the room in "his scrutinizing way" and notices how "poor" the place looks, even when the light is hitting it, which should make it looks its best. Then he says this (with a sigh):

"'The living is evidently as small as she said. It seems strange, for the Beresfords belong to a good family.'”

Oh, no! You've just activated a red flag!!! This whole reply is a red flag, but I want to highlight the main problem area (in my opinion) -- the "as she said". What's the problem with this?

To me, this indicates he didn't listen to her when she told him how small her living was the first time around. He assumed she was downplaying it and would come back to find something more like Harley Street. I suppose that was the fashion back then -- to act of more humble means than you were -- but here's the thing: Margaret isn't like that. She says thing as they are and if he knew her as well as he thinks, he would've taken her words at face value. I know that just from three chapters of reading about her!! If he doesn't believe this one thing she says now, how is that going to work later if they foster a relationship (again, we're getting there)? I also just don't like that Henry is pulling a surprised Pikachu face here!!! And while I know good family = wealthy in this time period, still not a great thing to say. Like, hmm her family is poor that's weird :/. He's acting like he didn't get what he wanted for Christmas or something. Definitely not the reaction I would want from a potential partner.

Margaret, meanwhile, is dealing with a problemTM. Namely, her mother. Apparently she gets into moods where everything is an Issue and Henry is considered an Issue -- so, she refuses to see him. This is a dilemma, because Margaret had told Henry that her mamma would LOVE to meet him and will meet with him shortly. I may not know much about etiquette, but I know this is a snub if she refuses to meet with him now. Plus, her dad can't help because he was already in a bad mood (seems like something we'll unravel later) and Mrs. Hale made it worse by commenting *once again* on moving, which caused him to ask her to please stop speaking against the place. So yeah, this isn't going well!

Margaret "listen[s] patiently", but she has to figure things out somehow, so she pulls a problem-solving move. She proposes that after a quick meetup with Henry and her mom (as for it not to look weird), she and Henry can go out sketching, which will mean less interaction for her mother to worry about. Then, even though they only have cold meat for lunch, they can still make that work for the meal, since light food was usually expected at the midday meal (from what I could find -- correct me if I'm wrong) and Henry will expect it that way. That's when Mr. Hale will join them, having had enough time between 10:30 and 2:00 to compose himself.

I love seeing this side of her! We've already seen glimpses, but I think it's the first time we've truly seen her go into what I would call a "problem-solving mode". I would definitely add that to her list of qualities!

"He evidently expected to be asked to spend the day, and accepted the invitation with a glad readiness that made Mrs. Hale wish she could add something to the cold beef. He was pleased with everything; delighted with Margaret’s idea of going out sketching together; would not have Mr. Hale disturbed for the world, with the prospect of so soon meeting him at dinner."

I wonder if it's apparent to everyone involved Henry wants to be asked to stay the whole day, or if it's just Mrs. Hale? It makes sense that he wants to since he said he would be checking up on what Margaret does all day. I don't know much about calling hours or social etiquette in the Victorian era, but from what I could find, he's making a "morning call". Usually a man in this situation should leave after 20 minutes. However, he's family, so I believe this allots for staying a few hours, including dinner (again, correct me if I'm wrong -- I tried to find sources for this, but there wasn't much available for a morning call from family). Does it seem interesting how eager it is how "pleased" he is by everything just after he thought about how poor the family is? Yep! But we don't have time to unpack all of that just yet.

"'Now, please, just stop here for a minute or two,' said Margaret. 'These are the cottages that haunted me so during the rainy fortnight, reproaching me for not having sketched them.' 'Before they tumbled down and were no more seen. Truly, if they are to be sketched—and they are very picturesque—we had better not put it off till next year. But where shall we sit?' 'Oh! You might have come straight from chambers in the Temple, instead of having been two months in the Highlands! Look at this beautiful trunk of a tree, which the woodcutters have left just in the right place for the light. I will put my plaid over it, and it will be a regular forest throne.' 'With your feet in that puddle for a regal footstool! Stay, I will move, and then you can come nearer this way. Who lives in these cottages?'”

I feel like this conversation parallels their awkward interaction from chapter one, though now the shoe is on the other foot. And by "shoe", I mean the whole "shutting down the conversation" thing. To be fair, this is probably Henry joking and being lighthearted, but again -- I'm having trouble reading it that way. She's trying to sketch two cottages that she thinks are pretty, but he's kind of mocking them for how decrepit they look. Fair, I guess, but the fact that she chooses to mock him by saying he's "come staight from chambers in the Temple" (which I believe is a reference to the Temple in Jerusalem and to me, signals she's mocking his loftiness) says she's not entirely happy with this either. Plus, yeah, he just spent time in the Highlands, shouldn't he be used to forest by now? And when she wants to make a "throne" out of a tree stump, he comments on the puddle on the ground. Chivalrous to ask her to get out of the way, but he's not playing along with her game of pretend like he seemed to want her to in chapter 1. I wonder what's up with that? Or maybe I'm reading this all wrong and they're both enjoying this banter -- I don't know, it's really hard for me to tell!! Keep in mind, I'm biased and don't really like Henry, so everything he says annoys me. It's a problem I'll try to work on 😂😂

She goes to talk to one of the men at the cottages, and Henry quickly takes his opportunity to add her to his sketch. Afterwards, she notices and comments on it. He replies:

“'It was irresistible. You can’t know how strong a temptation it was. I hardly dare tell you how much I shall like this sketch.' He was not quite sure whether she heard this latter sentence before she went to the brook to wash her palette. She came back rather flushed, but looking perfectly innocent and unconscious. He was glad of it, for the speech had slipped from him unawares—a rare thing in the case of a man who premeditated his actions so much as Henry Lennox."

I will admit, this is rather cute: him taking the opportunity to sketch her and then saying something without thought! It's a sweet moment and I think I would like the two of them together if they had more moments like this.

When they return back, both Mr. and Mrs. Hale are in much better spirits. Margaret sees her father and while she stresses that he's put aside his worries (they're not taken care of), she can't hide her pride at seeing him because he's always able to impress other people! What a sweetheart, love her for that.

Mr. Hale sees their sketches and when Mr. Hale sees the one Henry drew, Henry comments this:

“'I should say that a likeness you very much wish to take you would always succeed in,' said Mr. Lennox. 'I have great faith in the power of will. I think myself I have succeeded pretty well in yours.'”

I may not read social cues well, but this one I do get: I like you and want to draw you well. However, I know that because I've picked up on it after seeing Henry's inner thoughts. I'm not so surprised she doesn't get it because, as we'll see later in the chapter, she doesn't see him that way. So this compliment -- while nice -- wouldn't mean to her what he's trying to communicate. Why is this important for me to emphasize? Well, listen to what this guy says next:

“"A regular London girl would understand the implied meaning of that speech,' thought Mr. Lennox. 'She would be up to looking through every speech that a young man made her for the arrière-pensée of a compliment. But I don’t believe Margaret,'"

Lol, lmao even. HENRY, buddy, we've been over this -- you should know her better than this by now. I'm not trying to pull a "she's not like other girls" thing, but you started it. She doesn't have the same communication style as the "regular London girl[s]" you're thinking of! If you want to communicate something, you're going to have to be more blunt.

Also, if we continue with my thread of Margaret being neurodivergent-coded (and Henry being neurotypical-coded), this comment is something a lot of NTs often get frustrated by: that NDs don't pick up on the nuances of their interactions. This comment right here really cements this dynamic for me.

To me, it’s understandable she wouldn't pick up on this being flirting because it's subtle to begin with and ND people often have trouble picking up on social cues like this. I do find it interesting how he also expects her to be picking apart his speeches for compliments. Also "arrière-pensée" means "a concealed thought" or "ulterior motive", by the way!

Quick note: the quote is cut off deliberately like that for a reason, he doesn't finish his thought.

Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your view), he decides to try a different tactic. She has been gathering roses to "adorn her morning gown for dinner" and he takes this opportunity to help her with some she can't reach (relatable!) and puts a couple in his button-hole. While this isn't exactly a declaration of love, I do think this is another sweet moment. This could almost be a better show of affection than words for some.

Dinner is a very nice affair, with everyone talking very agreeably, enough so to make Henry forget his feeling of "disappointment" of Margaret's living being so small. Like she had told him. Ugh.

However, there comes a bit of a hitch when dessert comes around. Mr. Hale becomes fixated on the idea of dessert -- which must be pears from the garden. However, they already have dessert served behind him: biscuits with marmalade. Mrs. Hale worries that this pear idea will make their life seem "impromptu" and dessert "unusual" (which will not shine a good light on their living situation, I imagine).

Henry actually steps up with a solution this time: they should eat pears in the garden in order to give them the full experience. Though Mrs. Hale doesn't quite like this idea (she wants to end dinner the ceremonious way), Mr. Hale doesn't give her time to argue: he simply gets up. This shows me that Mr. Hale is probably still not in the best of moods, and likely put out with her as well for what she said in the morning. Either that, or he's so absorbed by his own worries that he isn't thinking of hers. Eep, not good.

So Mr. Hale, Henry and Margaret go out into the garden to enjoy some pears. While Mr. Hale grabs the ripest pear (to get over his anxieties -- relatable), Henry makes eyes at Margaret 👁️👁️. He then takes her to stroll while Mr. Hale sits on the garden bench. Oh no! What can this mean? Well, for Margaret, she just thinks this is a friendly chat. Hmm....

He immediately starts by idealizing her country life and scorning his "city life" (comparing himself to a Cockney), ending with insinuating he would want to live here as his "reward" for all of his hard lawyer work.

She replies by shutting down the fantasy (lol), that the beauty he sees isn't always there and besides, didn't he mock her village before and call it out of a tale? Once she makes it clear she saw it as disrespectful, he "warmly" states he'll never do it again.

I do like that she's comfortable enough with him to feel able to tell him she felt disrespected by his words: that's a good sign, at least. And while he doesn't exactly apologize, he does back down once he realizes this was genuinely negative to her. Gotta take our wins where we can!

""I could almost wish, Margaret——' he stopped and hesitated. It was so unusual for the fluent lawyer to hesitate that Margaret looked up at him, in a little state of questioning wonder; but in an instant—from what about him she could not tell—she wished herself back with her mother—her father—anywhere away from him, for she was sure he was going to say something to which she should not know what to reply. In another moment the strong pride that was in her came to conquer her sudden agitation, which she hoped he had not perceived. Of course she could answer, and answer the right thing; and it was poor and despicable of her to shrink from hearing any speech, as if she had not power to put an end to it with her high maidenly dignity."

I love this passage for so many reasons. For one thing, it has that relatable feeling one gets when you have that one guy friend who hits you with the "I have to tell you something..." and even when you don't know what they're going to say, you also know what's happening...

But I love that she has that scared moment and then she's like -- wait a minute? This is me -- Margaret Hale -- we're talking about and I will say what I want and it will be right because I make it so. I will not shrink from any speech coming my way and if I have to, will put an end to it with my high 👏 maidenly 👏 dignity 👏 . What an ABSOLUTE QUEEN FOR THAT!!!!! I aspire to be like her; why wasn't I told what an absolute girl boss of a role model this fictional character was? And I don't just mean like before I read this (I was given some notice), I mean like why isn't she given more love in pop culture just for this passage alone? (I could speculate why, but I don't want to get sad about that lol). If I didn't already love her, this right here would've made me love her. This passage is definitely something I will be remembering when I feel anxious about difficult conversations! Just, WOW, chef's kiss.

Forgive me, it's going to be a lot of passages from here on out, but I really want to analyze the exact wording here.

"'Margaret,' said he, taking her by surprise, and getting sudden possession of her hand, so that she was forced to stand still and listen, despising herself for the fluttering at her heart all the time; 'Margaret, I wish you did not like Helstone so much—did not seem so perfectly calm and happy here. I have been hoping for these three months past to find you regretting London—and London friends, a little—enough to make you listen more kindly' (for she was quietly, but firmly, striving to extricate her hand from his grasp) 'to one who has not much to offer, it is true—nothing but prospects in the future—but who does love you, Margaret, almost in spite of himself. Margaret, have I startled you too much? Speak!' For he saw her lips quivering almost as if she were going to cry."

Okaaaaaay, that escalated VERY quickly -- Margaret didn't even get time to put a stop to it!!! I can't blame her, he's not giving her the chance to speak. So, the fact that he grabs her hand so she's "forced to stand still and listen"? Yikes. Her heart is "fluttering" and she hates herself for it? Also yikes because I doubt it's fluttering from liking him. I could be wrong, but I'm like 99.9% sure her heart is like that out of nerves.

Not to mention his speech: Henry starts off by being upset she likes Helstone and seems happy there -- you know, the place where her parents are??? Her hometown???? The place he just yapped on and on about being the best place ever and seemed like a reward to him? What happened to that? Swift 180 turn to me. Oh, and let's not forget he doesn't like seeing her calm and happy -- uhhhh...ok?

Now I know what he's trying to say here: he doesn't like seeing her happy here in Helstone because he wants her to be so miserable that she'll want to come back to London (and be with him). If she's miserable, it'll show she cares for him. Here's the problems I have with that logic:

Who's to say she doesn't miss her friends and she's just hiding it? Some people are better at hiding their grief than others.

Margaret is a very "live in the present" type of person; it's not that she doesn't miss Harley Street, but tends to just kind of live in the moment. Him not realizing that -- or wanting her to be miserable despite knowing that -- shows that he probably doesn't know her or care for her as much as he says he does a couple of sentences later.

She hasn't lived with her parents for years and spent most of her childhood without them being a large part of her life (I'm assuming from the limited text we have). Why doesn't she have the right to be calm and happy while living with them? It's pretty understandable she would be more happy with them because if anything *they're* the ones she was probably "more miserable" without. I'm sure she was fine at Harley Street, but she really seems to love her parents and her first night at Harley Street as a child seemed difficult: I'm not surprised she's happy at Helstone! This guy has some audacity to be like "aren't you miserable without me though 🥺" when like -- SHE'S VISITING HER PARENTS???!!?!?! It's been three months, calm down dude.

Let's imagine a world where Henry's completely right (a world I'm glad we don't live in, personally) and she's totally miserable because -- oh, Henry's not at Helstone 🥺💔. Even so, when you visit your friends/crush/whatever that you've missed and you haven't seen for a while, do you act miserable and talk constantly about how much you miss them? I mean, I don't! I usually try to keep up appearances if I am sad, but I actually almost always brighten up around the person I'm with because they make my day better. I get excited and in my element; to the outside person, you'd never know I'd be totally upset when they left because that's how happy I am! Of course, I'd say I miss them or whatever, but I wouldn't make a scene like he seems to want her to.

Going off of that, if you truly cared for someone, wouldn't you want them to be happy? Like he tells her he loves her but starts off his whole speech before he gets to that point with "I wish you were less happy and more miserable because that means you'd miss me and give me a chance" and that's...I don't even know what to say to that. I didn't think you could get worse than Mr. Collins or Mr. Darcy's failed proposals, but I think that beats it. In Mr. Collins's case, at least he starts off with compliments (though they're backhanded and he doesn't really mean them, lol) and at least with Mr. Darcy, he starts off with "I love you" and lists the reasons before he starts insulting her family!!! I guess it's a "pick your poison" thing, but seriously, what a way to start off a love confession speech/proposal.

Then -- and this is what really gets me here -- he notices her trying to get him to release her arm: another sign she's not enjoying this. Now, she's doing this in a quiet but firm way, not wanting to make a scene -- but not backing down, either. Instead of doing the decent person thing and letting her hand go, he keeps his grip and tells her to listen more "kindly". He takes this as yet another sign she didn't "miss him enough" and WOW. Um...I don't have much to say to this; I think it speaks for itself. I will say, everytime I read it I'm filled with an immeasurable amount of rage, if that tells you anything.

He also ends his very touching and heartfelt speech (/s) with saying that he loves her "almost in spite of himself". Aaaaand we're back to Mr. Darcy with his whole "yeah your family is below me and an insult to the human race and I actually wish I could stop thinking about you but in spite of all of that I love you whoops". I think he means this in more of a "I'm not a feelings person, so for me to be in love with you is a big deal" (we'll get to that speech of his soon), but it still comes across wrong to me. If you're going to say that, please clarify what you mean!!!

And THEN -- as if that's not bad enough -- he sees her lips quivering as if she's going to cry and after asking if she's startled (not the emotion I'd be asking after, but ok), he commands her to speak. As someone who gets overwhelmed easily, I would actually hate someone doing that to me!

And if we continue the thread of Margaret being ND, what if she's not able to speak because she's too overstimulated from whatever the heck that just was? I know she just hyped herself up -- and that's amazing, don't get me wrong -- but it could very well be difficult for her to communicate using spoken language and the fact that he wants her to speak right now is a bit reminiscent of how NTs will often force NDs to "act neurotypical" in difficult situations (e.g. "make eye contact, speak on this" etc.) and it's heartbreaking to read using this lens.

Even if we don't read it in that vein, who sees someone about to cry and goes "Speak!"? Get a grip, man.

"She made a strong effort to be calm; she would not speak till she had succeeded in mastering her voice, and then she said: 'I was startled. I did not know that you cared for me in that way. I have always thought of you as a friend; and, please, I would rather go on thinking of you so. I don’t like to be spoken to as you have been doing. I cannot answer you as you want me to do, and yet I should feel so sorry if I vexed you.'”

I feel for her here: I’m glad she takes a moment to be calm, but I imagine it must cost a lot of emotional effort to do so. If I were in her shoes, I don’t even know if I could manage it!

Also, her speech itself is a masteclass in kind — but firm — rejection, in my opinion. Notice how she answers his last question first: that yes, she was startled. That is easiest to answer, so she focuses on it. Then, she expounds on it by letting him know she wasn’t aware of his deep feelings, which caused her to be startled.

That’s when the boundary-setting starts! She sets two of them: in order to “keep thinking of him as a friend”, he will need to discontinue his advances and then she states she doesn’t like the way he has been speaking to her — aka, all of the ways he just offended her in that last paragraph? Stop it immediately.

She ends it by affirming that she cannot give him the answers he desires, but does not want to “vex” him. Just to be sure I was reading her meaning correctly, I looked up the meaning of vexed:

“to bring trouble, distress, or agitation to”

So, she’s worried about troubling him. Yes, distress is in there too, but I think it’s interesting she uses that word to describe how he will take her not returning his feelings. Historically, women do have to worry about how men will react to them not returning feelings -- sometimes to an extreme degree -- and it can feel as if it’s more of a case of them being troubled/agitated rather than distressed. I can’t speak for everyone of course, but it sucks that women have to feel so responsible for men’s happiness to the point of saying “sorry for the trouble” if the feelings aren’t returned! (And yes, I know this issue can happen regardless of gender, but I’m focusing on this dynamic since that’s how it appears here.)

So, how does Henry react? Does he reassure her that he isn’t entitled to her feelings? Asks for space to deal with his own emotions, perhaps? Nope!

“‘Margaret,’ said he, looking into her eyes, which met his with their open, straight look, expressive of the utmost good faith and reluctance to give pain, ‘Do you’—he was going to say—‘love any one else?’ But it seemed as if this question would be an insult to the pure serenity of those eyes. ‘Forgive me! I have been too abrupt. I am punished. Only let me hope. Give me the poor comfort of telling me you have never seen any one whom you could——‘ Again a pause. He could not end his sentence. Margaret reproached herself acutely as the cause of his distress.’”

It’s interesting to me that Henry decides not to ask if she loves anyone else because he doesn’t want to insult “pure serenity” of her eyes. Some may call this nice, I call this asking for a punch in the face. It rides a bit too close to the “purity culture” line for me and I don’t like it. It seems as if Henry thinks she has too much good faith to ever be “unfaithful” to him by even entertaining the thought of someone else. Perhaps I’m wrong, but this is how it reads to me.

Then he asks for forgiveness and says he’s been too abrupt (ok, good start) but says he’s punished. Punished how? Punished for what? If you mean she’s punishing you for speaking to her a certain way by not returning feelings — just NO. That’s not what’s happening here!!!! She doesn’t return your feelings because she doesn’t like you, just accept it.

That’s when Henry really drops the hammer of “can you give me hope and return my feelings one day 🥺” which — oh, boy. On one hand, I can feel for him here, but it’s strange to me that he also wants her to promise that she’s never seen anyone that has caught her fancy. It’s a very “if I can’t have you, no one can” mentality. It even causes Margaret to get mad at herself for “causing” him to be so upset — which, again, he is not entitled to her feelings and she is not responsible for his happiness.

“‘Ah! if you had but never got this fancy into your head! It was such a pleasure to think of you as a friend.’

‘But I may hope, may I not, Margaret, that some time you will think of me as a lover? Not yet, I see—there is no hurry—but some time——‘

She was silent for a minute or two, trying to discover the truth as it was in her own heart, before replying, then she said:

‘I have never thought of—you, but as a friend. I like to think of you so; but I am sure I could never think of you as anything else. Pray let us both forget that all this” (“disagreeable,” she was going to say, but stopped short) ‘conversation has taken place.’”

Ok, so I’m going to take Henry’s side for just a second on this — hear me out. I think it’s a little mean for her to call his feelings just a “fancy” as if he thought of it one day and, on a lark, decided to confess his feelings. I don’t think that’s fair of her to say to him. You can’t help your feelings and it’s not entirely fair of her to expect him to keep it bottled up inside. While his confession speech has been pretty abysmal (sorry it’s true), I don’t blame him for having those feelings, just the way they’re expressed.

On the other hand, I’ve been in Margaret's exact same situation and have almost wanted to say the exact same thing! Like “we had such a good thing going and this came out of nowhere; what’s up with that?” I didn’t though, because I realize that’s kind of invalidating to hear. I also think that’s her being blunt and not filtering her thoughts, which is understandable given the heightened emotions (and even more so, if we read it in the lens of her being ND).

Henry insists on the point of her being able to love him romantically sometime in the future, to which she has to think about. I’m glad she actually takes the time to examine her own feelings before answering. She already knows the answer, but it’s good to be sure and honestly give it some thought.

That’s when she drops a hammer of her own: she has only thought of him as a friend, does so now, and is certain she can only do so in the future. She also wants to set this conversation behind them — almost calling it disagreeable in the process. She stops herself short, but I believe she makes a face or something in her demeanor registers it as such, because Henry picks up on it. Again, she’s being blunt, but this time she’s able to catch herself and spare his feelings a little.

“He paused before he replied. Then, in his habitual coldness of tone, he answered:

‘Of course, as your feelings are so decided, and as this conversation has been so evidently unpleasant to you, it had better not be remembered. That is all very fine in theory, that plan of forgetting whatever is painful, but it will be somewhat difficult for me, at least, to carry it into execution.’”

It’s telling that he becomes cold once he realizes she’s serious about staying friends forever. It’s sad that this 180 degree turn from Henry is still so relatable in today’s age! He does agree to her wishes, albeit reluctantly due to it being difficult for him. This I can understand; once you confess your feelings for someone and are subsequently rejected, it's a bit hard to just "forget" the entire conversation and go back to normal. Unfortunately, that's the consequence you have to face if you're going to confess to your friend like that; I think he was just so confident she'd return his feelings, he assumed this wouldn't happen.

“'You are vexed,' said she, sadly; “yet how can I help it?' She looked so truly grieved as she said this, that he struggled for a moment with his real disappointment, and then answered more cheerfully, but still with a little hardness in his tone: 'You should make allowances for the mortification, not only of a lover, Margaret, but of a man not given to romance in general—prudent, worldly, as some people call me—who has been carried out of his usual habits by the force of a passion—well, we will say no more of that; but in the one outlet which he has formed for the deeper and better feelings of his nature, he meets with rejection and repulse. I shall have to console myself with scorning my own folly. A struggling barrister to think of matrimony!'”

Her grief does cause him to realize that he needs to stop making her feel bad about this -- or, at least, broadcast a facade of good cheer -- if they're going to have any hope of keeping the friendship. After all, they're still in Helstone's garden with Margaret's dad not too far off!!!

However, he's not able to cover up his "disappointment" entirely and it shows as "hardness in his tone". He doesn't apologize for giving her grief, but instead asks her to make "allowances" for him. I don't like this for a lot of reasons (why does she have to make allowances for you when you don't seem to give the same respect back?), but what's even worse is that he says one of those allowances should be "for the mortification...of a lover..." UM??? If I’m reading this right, he wants her to allow for him feeling like he was her lover and now having to deal with her rejection of romance. Henry, let me break it down for you: you were never her lover -- ever. If you felt like her lover, that is your issue, not hers, to deal with. The fact that you're admitting that aloud is appalling and the fact you want her to allow for that problem is even worse. It’s almost like he kept up a pretense of friendship and all the while imagining they were lovers. That’s so weird!!! And again, remains relatable (unfortunately).

The other allowance, which I mentioned earlier, is that he’s not a big “feelings” person and since he got carried away by his passions, she should understand why he feels crushed that the one time he’s swept off his feet by romance, the feelings are not returned. I hate to tell you, Henry, but just because you’re more “worldly” than the rest of us doesn’t mean you’re going to get a girlfriend faster: just a pro tip!

Both of these allowances are quite silly, in my opinion. Yeah, so you have a crush for the first time and you thought of her as your girlfriend and the feelings weren’t mutual. What is she supposed to do, give you a cookie? I’m being facetious, of course, I know what he’s actually hoping is for her to change her mind and be like “I had no idea I was your first crush 🥺 wow, since I’m so special to you, of course I’ll court you!!! 😍❤️” which — ugh. I want to say he doesn’t understand how women work, but I’m hard-pressed to see how this would work on anyone!! Maybe in his head it would work on one of those “regular London girls” (which I’m beginning to think is just a made up notion in his head of women anyway), but I’ve said that Margaret is not one of those women (if they do exist) and never will be. The fact that he thinks he can make her be one or she will become one in time is concerning: what would he be like if they did court? Would she be expected to change for him? Or even if he does like her as is, would she be expected to “act differently” in front of his friends and other relatives? Again, reading this in a NT/ND lens really adds another layer of meaning to how this would affect Margaret’s mental health in the long term.

He ends this by saying he’ll have to “console himself by scorning his own folly” and scoffing at the idea of a struggling man in his job thinking of marriage. First of all, she has literally said nothing about your profession — you brought that up briefly before in your confession (I didn’t mention it because I didn’t have anything to say on it) — but she never said “I’m not going to court you because you’re a lawyer struggling to make ends meet”. Of course, you’re going to think that because it’s easier to think of her as shallow (only after men for their current money) and the “problem” as something you can fix (he can fix a money issue, can’t fix her thoughts of him being a friend), but really: how in denial can you be?

Secondly, this is the first time he’s brought up marriage. Of course, in the Victorian age that’s where courtships were supposed to lead, but still. It’s interesting that he waited until now to drop that last bit in; it almost seems like a last-ditch lament to be like “woe is me! How could I think anyone would ever marry me 🥺💔” which would pull at the heartstrings. Of course, I’m likely reading too much into this because I’m reading it in the tone of him doing anything to try to get her to court/marry him, even using manipulation and guilt tactics to do so. Is it likely he’s just upset and saying whatever comes to mind? Sure. But some people will do anything to get their way and so far he hasn’t shown himself to be very graceful in dealing with rejection.

“Margaret could not answer this. The whole tone of it annoyed her. It seemed to touch on and call out all the points of difference which had often repelled her in him; while yet he was the pleasantest man, the most sympathising friend, the person of all others who understood her best in Harley Street. She felt a tinge of contempt mingle itself with her pain at having refused him. Her beautiful lip curled in a slight disdain.”

I suppose I’m not the only one getting bad vibes from this last speech. Margaret sees the worst parts of him — the little things that had always bothered her about him — and while she still feels bad about hurting him, she can’t help but visibly show “disdain” for the way he’s talking to her now.

Suddenly, they come upon Mr. Hale and Margaret feels as if she's had an out-of-body experience, comparing it to an Eastern tale of a king who went through an experience of a lifetime just by dipping his head in a magical basin of water. In other words, she is not the same as she was when she last saw her father!

Of course, due to the amount of emotions with everything that has just taken place, she is quite unable to speak and lets Henry and her father do most of the talking. Henry notices her quiet and morose look and:

“"I am not so indifferent to her as she believes,' thought he to himself. 'I do not give up hope."”

Oh...oh no. Henry, literally just accept the no. She told you no -- JUST ACCEPT THE -- ok, I need to calm down. This man is fictional. The problem is there are men -- nay, people -- who think like this. Who will hear a "no" and then see the person's face and have such a cognitive dissonance IN THEIR BRAIN that they're like "nah, they actually totally want me, THEY just can't see the truth yet." As if they know better.

It's really hilarious Henry thinks he knows Margaret's thoughts and feelings better than *she* does considering he doesn't even know how to talk to her without her shutting him down because he accidentally disrespected her small town (rhyme not intended but a pleasant surprise). How does he think a relationship with a foundation like that? I realize they are good friends and get along in other ways, but it is sooooo telling to me that the *second* he flirts, she either becomes uncomfortable or straight up doesn't get it (or pretends not to, depending on how you read it). How could they be married like that??

So yeah, unfortunately, Margaret is not even allowed to look sad without Henry jumping on the chance that she'll want him someday. I'm almost 100% sure this would've happened regardless of the facial expression she had. Happy (from trying to keep up a cheerful facade)? "Oh, she's actually super happy I confessed my feelings and will love me soon, just watch." Mad? "She's actually mad at herself for refusing me." Confused? "She doesn't know what she wants, she'll choose me eventually." That's just the kind of person we're dealing with here.

"Before a quarter of an hour was over, he had fallen into a way of conversing with quiet sarcasm; speaking of life in London and life in the country, as if he were conscious of his second mocking self, and afraid of his own satire."

Ok, so this passage is really hard to decipher for me and I might need some help figuring ot out! From what I'm able to gather, he's mainly mocking both the country and London, but maybe in also a self-depricating way as well (this is the main part I'm stuck on)? What I do understand is why he's doing this; Henry is a man who's default is to mock and be sarcastic. It's his coping mechanism for when things get too "real". We haven't seen him be as such yet because he hasn't needed to be around Margaret. However, now that he's been thrown off by her rejection, his way of dealing with it is to slip back into empty sarcasm.

Mr. Hale notices this change and is quite put off by it, even being relieved when he has to leave. He notes the change from the "lighter, clever, more worldly man" he saw earlier and at the wedding breakfast. It's interesting how a lot of people tend to use sarcasm to seem more clever and worldy, but Gaskell sees through this and contrasts them as opposites in this chapter! What a callout! She's so real for that.

At the last moment, Henry Lennox’s real self broke through the crust. “Margaret, don’t despise me; I have a heart, notwithstanding all this good-for-nothing way of talking. As a proof of it, I believe I love you more than ever—if I do not hate you—for the disdain with which you have listened to me during this last half-hour. Good-bye, Margaret—Margaret!”

First of all, describing the weird sarcasm thing he was doing as a "crust" is funny and interesting to me -- I didn't know that could mean "harsh" or "surly": the more you know! Secondly, love that he calls out his own coping mechanism while still having done it -- progress, I guess? And third -- best of all -- Henry, my guy, my dude, why on earth would you tell her you love her while also saying you might hate her because she hasn't been happy with you for the past 30 minutes???? I am truly baffled. Has this man ever wooed a woman in his life? For the sake of the female population, I truly hope not because if THIS is how he does it -- YIKES!!!! Luckily, he probably hasn't considering his whole "i'M a lAwYeR wHo dOeSnT hAvE bIg rOmAnCe fEeLiNgS" speech.

And that's the way the chapter ends, so I'll end with a couple of points I want to make clear.

I know I've been super hard on Henry and -- to be fair -- I think he's deserved some of it. But I don't think he's a bad person. So far, Gaskell has written all of her characters with a complexity and depth that shows you're supposed to root for these characters (more or less), while also understanding their flaws. There were times I pointed out when Margaret wasn't at her best either; while she isn't entitled to return Henry's feelings, she was sort of trivializing them and I wouldn't like that either. I think the problem with Henry is that he's used to getting what he wants and when he doesn't get it, he gets upset and lashes out the way he did with Margaret. I do honestly think he needs to work on himself and not think of romance right now because it sounds like he has deeper problems going on; if Margaret's rejection causes him to act like this, it's not just her rejection that's bothering him. I noticed that he talked about how he's currently struggling in his job and I think that can also account for him getting upset -- perhaps he had hoped for this to be a "good thing" to focus on instead of his work that isn't going well. I'm glad Margaret didn't return his feelings in that case because having one person the sole source of your happiness is never healthy and running away from your problems won't fix them! So yes, while I'm hard on him I do still think he has good moments and can be better: we're just seeing him at his worst. Still, that doesn't excuse his behavior, just explains it.

I also want to clarify for those who think I'm being too harsh on Henry and am doing so because I "don't understand what it's like to be rejected romantically". As a quick personal aside: I've been on his side of a romantic confession and was also rejected by someone who was my friend. And it hurt -- badly. Especially because there were many "signs" I read too much into as romantic (flirting, holding hands, etc.) so said rejection was not what I saw coming, much like Henry. However, when I realized that this person only saw me as a friend and wanted to keep it that way, I immediately told them "ok, I understand" and then took some time to myself to sort through my feelings. These were mainly embarrasment, shame, sorrow, and anger -- not at the person, but at myself for potentially ruining the friendship over this.

My main problem with Henry is that he reacts to Margaret's rejection with disappointment, anger, frustration, and hurt. These don't seem like the kind of emotions that come with an unselfish love, I hate to say it. I know there is likely more feelings bubbling beneath the surface, but if he's going to react that way and realizes he's hurting her in the process (which he does), he should ask for space while he sorts himself out. I get that wasn't "the thing" back then so I guess it's a bit harder for me to say "oh, Henry should've just left!" when no, he can't just abruptly leave like that and "oh, Henry should just work on his mental health" when that was very much not talked of. I'm just trying to think of ways he could've better handled this situation; he can't help his feelings, but he can help how he acts on those feelings. And it's not fair to Margaret to continually pressure her into a relationship she so obviously does not want. Additionally, the way he makes his confession/proposal frustrates me too because he mainly makes it about himself and his feelings. He wishes she wasn't happy at Helstone, he loves her, he's not a romantic person so it's a big deal for him. I mean, he doesn't even talk about her good qualities or what he likes about her: even Mr. "and what excellent boiled potatoes" Collins did that!!!!!

As a final note, if you're reading Dracula Daily at the same time as North and South Weekly, you may have noticed a few parallels between this failed proposal and Jack Seward's failed proposal. I want to dive into them and why I respect Seward's more than Lennox's, but I don't want to do it here because this post might be my longest to date and I'd rather make it a separate post anyway!

So yeah, another great chapter, excited to see what happens next week!

[coyoteprince]

Hi! If I may, this is not about Widderwood, but the way you talked about witchcraft in a recent answer, "Real world witchcraft is literally just moving with intention and cause & effect" and "it helps with being delibreate with my life": seems quite interesting, but would you care to elaborate, if you wish and have time? Or is there a previous post here or somewhere else where you already talked about your view on witch spirituality? Sorry if I bother, obviously you're free to not answer and ignore this message if it's too personal or annoying. Thank you for sharing your art and world!

Yeah I'll try to explain. Unfortunately when people hear magic or witchcraft they of the media fantasy version of witchcraft or whatever when that's not what it is at all. It's just like any religion in that it focuses on cultivating life morals, cause & effect (praying to a God for blessings is similar!), and can be utilized by less than great people for power and control over others.

Witchcraft varies greatly by culture and even the person, but I can only speak from European centric stuff and my own practice. For background, I've followed my own path since I was around 12 with no guidance from others.

Spells work by focusing intention. You want x, so you create a small ritual that helps to focus on the task and what you really want and how to get to that point, like any goal setting. Often rituals are repeated for greater power to achieve a result- just like a habit. Spiritually speaking, the reasoning is often considered that everything has an energy, and this energy can be manipulated, or that there are God(s) at work. Psychology speaking, these rituals simply help you realize what you actually want to work toward and give you the gumption to go for it. For both, it's commonly believed that spells won't work unless you put in the actual, real effort to work toward a goal- and that is part of the magic. It is the act of creation. And failure is just as likely, especially if you don't plan for it or are unrealistic. You can't make someone love you or win 1 mil, but you do have the power to be kind to others and better your finances by education or similar opportunities... and even if you fail anyway, there is always something you learn from it. You just have to be intentional.

I fully believe you don't have to believe in God's or ghosts or anything to do witchcraft. The fact it works to better our lives- even if it really is just in our brains at the end of the day- is enough. And just like how people has historically leaned on a Christian God to get through times of hardship- that's what I use it for. To better myself, to realize what I want to work toward in life, and to make a conscious effort toward it. It isn't a replacement for professional help, but the addition of witchcraft has significantly helped me in my own mental health, continued betterment as a person, and appreciate living.

Tarot cards are similar. They assume fortune telling = fate, which imo is wrong. Some people think theyre demonic, some think theyre "stupid" because of the connection to spirituality, and some people consider them too serious and scary, but like all tools you have to use them right, and by God do they work when you do! Tarot cards are absolutely amazing as prompts. Ask a reasonable question, get a card, and notice what emotions and thoughts come to mind immediately- you have all the answers within you, you just might not be paying attention... and Tarot works as a surrogate third party to reflect and help you pay attention to what you really feel. Witchcraft rituals all work essentially the same way.

There's also more woo-woo centric things like ghosts and fae and such. I personally am on the fence on it all but "believe just in case" lol. I've experienced many paranormal things but also know it could be caused by my autism, trauma, or whatever else. But it isn't hurting me or anyone else.. so it doesn't matter!

This is all a ramble and probably hard to understand if you aren't already very familiar with these kind of eccentric things. I work with a lot of chemistry so I've personally noticed how close witchcraft things are to science and even therapy- and likewise how a lot of past beliefs of magic were actually just yet unexplained science & medicine.

At the end of the day, I know everything may be an illusion from my various ailments and perspective. But that's perfectly okay, because it has done nothing but make me happier, more emotionally strong, and helped me focus to better my life and relationships. It's made me a much better, intelligent person and is the perfect fit for my life, though it may not be for everyone. Our variance, weirdness, and mysteries are the beauty of being alive.

[thecatinthepurplepants]

so I have a headcanon for how John might look to someone actually able to see him and I, of course, had to decide on the headcanon that would make it damn near impossible to draw him (at least to draw him consistently) but I like the idea too much to let it go

I probably SHOULD put this under a read more since it got kinda long but uuuhhh... don't wanna lol

SO I feel like when John first attached to Arthur, back when he was still just "the entity", his appearance was very... malleable. At first he looks like how a lot of people depict him, a vaguely human shapped black shadow with yellow eyes pearing over Arthur's left shoulder, but as soon as they got out into the world he started seeing ✨️fashion✨️ in the wild that changed. Even though he didn't remember it, he's a piece of the King In Yellow, and I'm willing to bet that the ol banana monarch has a passion for adornment and a tendency towards vanity thats usually associated with royalty that John would unknowingly inherit (I mean, we already know this, he bitches about Arthur's clothes getting ruined often enough now that they got that nice new suit)

I think at first he sees some men wearing nice hats when him and Arthur step outside into the city for the first time and something in him just goes "ooohhh" and one just kind of appears on him, probably with a gold band or little adornments like feathers and shiny dangly bits hanging from the brim. I don't even think he'd be able to choose just one style, shifting from one to another every so often as he sees more around or mixing and morphing styles into looks he likes more (I think he'd be partial to structured hats, fedoras, homburgs, maybe even a skimmer hat but with the rim stretched out to be more of a structured sun hat for extra flare)

But of course his newfound sense of style doesn't end with men's fashion cuz he doesn't know what a gender is and I highly doubt thay anyone that can see him would care enough to try and impose gender roles on him

He sees women passing by on the street wearing makeup and suddenly he has gold lipstick and shimmering yellow eyeshadow over shining gold lashes long and full enough to make any Hollywood starlet absolutely sick with envy

He sees someone more eccentric who's absolutely decked out in gaudy costume jewelry and he can't just NOT have all that wonderful clinking, shiny treasure for himself so he's now draped in gold chains, necklaces and bracelets of huge chunks of polished stones in both simple and elaborate designs, amber, tiger's eye, citrine, anything he wants really but it will always turns some shade of yellow or gold no matter how much he would want it to be another color (I think the best he could do in way of colorful variety is turquoise with veins of gold running through it)

And the funniest thing?

He can't see any of it.

He sees through Arthur's eyes and even if he has a bit of an extra sense for being able to see supernatural shit he's still not visible to himself. All of the changes are subconscious decisions he doesn't even realize he's making, his metaphysical body altering to suit the person he's growing into. None of the other rare entities and people they've met who can see John commented on it, seeing how there's usually more pressing matters involved. Plus I highly doubt the Trader would be one to make observations on someone's fashion sense unless they were offering one of their accessories in trade, and only then if it actually had any value to him.

Tbh it would be funny if the King In Yellow, during his first in person meeting with the Jarthur unit, had stopped mid introduction just "You insolent fucking worm, you need to return what's mi- what... what the hell are you wearing??? No, I'm not talking to you, you fucking worthless mortal, silence- yes, YOU, whats- whats all... THAT??? I mean, it's not BAD but it's a bit... inelegant, don't you think?" and both John and Arthur are like "what the FUCK are you TALKING ABOUT???" while the Dancers are humming and nodding their agreement while they also quietly judging John's intangible outfit

Kayne would ABSOLUTELY comment on it though but only to either taunt John while confusing the shit out of him OR to toss him the odd (equally confusing) compliment about his fashion sense and how he's branched out from the Kings personal flare. BUT he's also a Stinky Bitch (affectionate) so maybe he just wouldn't let John know that he can see him at all because he thinks it's funny that he doesn't know what he looks like

I dont think it would remain unstable as it was when he was fresh out the book, though.

After Arthur's coma, the period where John was given (and accepted) his name and the foundation of his humanity, I feel like he'd settle in his appearance as his sense of self does. He'd change to fit his different moods but it wouldn't be as much of a chaotic kaleidoscope of fashions shifting and melding with each other as he was at first. Before it was very fluid, changing as he sees different styles or as he felt different from one second to another, so unsure of exactly who and what he was.

I think he'd stick with the hat, wide brimmed and still with little golden baubles hanging around the edge and a golden band, but I think the top would remain hazy and undefined because I dont think he'd be able to decide on which style he likes best. He'd definitely keep the chains and jewelry, maybe a shodowy imitation of the shape of a suit jacket or the plunge of a low v-necklined dress, depending on the day.

I think when he gets especially angry (usually at Arthur, because he's the only one who can really get him absolutely blistering pissed without even trying) the hat billows like its caught in a fierce wind, not like fabric, but like heavy smoke. The stones of his yellow jewelry glows like miniature sun's with the force of his emotions, chains tarnishing, and even his makeup turning bright neon, toxic yellow against the void of his intangible "skin" like the warning of a poisonous animal if he's mad enough

When he's scared, him and Arthur trying to hide from whatever horror or adversary they've encountered this time, the brim of his hat melts back several inches, the baubles blinking out of existence entirely like its trying to clear his line of sight, makeup and jewelry fading in their color and shine as his borrowed animal instincts scream at him to be small, be unnoticeable, hide hide hide

And in those moments (ones that happen entirely too often for John's comfort or sanity) when the worst has come again, Arthur's hurt, worse than usual, and it seems like he's fading fast from his injuries, the things that John's draped himself with as he's learned who he is start to fade away too. As John realizes he might be losing the only person he's ever had (again) he feels like he's losing himself, the person he's become in his time with Arthur. The panic sets in and he goes through the stages he always does, shouting at Arthur to keep moving, not to give up, begs him to stay with him, not to leave him alone, to stop fucking saying goodbye and keep fighting, his cobbled together sense of identity melts off of him like dust as his world crumbles.

But there are moments, few and far between though they may be, where he and Arthur get little bit of real joy. When Arthur's finally, fucking finally freshly washed, shaved, and fed a hot meal and John can actually feel him relax into a real bed. When they've bought a nice new suit and handkerchief (that Arthur let John pick out himself) and John can tell Arthur that he looks handsome in this cut and color. When John spots something he thinks is odd and describes it to Arthur in a way that gets a real, full belly laugh out of his human, even if he doesn't understand what exactly it was he said that was so funny. The yellows of his apparel and makeup shine and swirl together, the stones of his jewelry seem to dance around each other in their configurations while the colors swim inside them like a lava lamp or glitter inside a bottle of opaque liquid. The baubles along the brim of his hat rapidly change in shape and size, the brim itself seeming to bloom, stretching out even further like a cat luxuriating in a sunbeam.

Anyway, tl;dr John's an eldritch entity and I just think he deserves to have a shifting appearance that he builds around himself over time like one of those bugs that sticks shit to its body to build a shell but in, like, a cunty way

And also I think John should be allowed to be incredibly expressive but in a metaphysical way that ties to his appearance itself

[guruan]

How does Miguel react to each of the men (Steven, Marc and Jake)?

HMMM I'm not sure

Some things make sense in my head but I can't express them very well 😂 Halfway through this I noticed that I wrote this as the boys reacting to Miguel instead the other way around? So, sorry (though there's parts that I do mention Miguel's reactions) Anyway

Let's see...

Steven is the type to be amazed by things, I'm sure he'd have A LOT of questions. Maybe if Miguel is not in a good mood, he wouldn't have the patience to answer every question, but I mean there's Lyla to explain for him (though prob seeing her will make Steven have more questions 😂). Maybe he'd be too entusiastic, but Miguel has done that before so he's used to all type of first impressions(? And I think he'd eventually be an smartass like "Mmm actchually" for some kind of information 😂 Idk, sometimes he's a little shit (and I love him for that)

Marc... I think Miguel and Marc see too much of themselves in the other (and maybe they don't even realize it), so maybe they wouldn't get along that well at first lol. In case they're "working together" Miguel would get cranky at the way Marc behaves, and Marc would be cranky that Miguel goes like that scene "I'll take it from here" 😂 because he feels like HE is the one that need to take care of the problem. Not saying that would last forever, but they'd need time to get along.

I think Jake is better with people (even if I think he might have a bad temper in some cases), for the most part I think of him being good with in that kind of thing. So I think they could get along easier, he's chill enough. If they don't agree on something, I think he would speak his mind but not in a sassy way like Steven (maybe that would piss off Miguel 😂), nor in a conflictive way like Marc, I think his way being more like stating facts, disagreeing. I think Miguel would get along with him the easiest. Also I was jokingly commenting with a friend (but maybe not so jokingly) that they would bond over food lol Can I elaborate? I don't think I really can

Haven't really thought too much about all this so maybe I could change my mind later, idk

[heyftinally]

Am I the only Hey Arnold fan who dislikes Arnold x Helga? I always thought their relationship was toxic, even when watching the show as a kid.

I'm gonna be honest, anon, I disagree wholeheartedly, and I'm about to go off on a hyperfocus induced rant lol so if you aren't prepared for a dissertation, this is your warning.

Okay, despite using the word dissertation, this is not going to be structured I any way. Strap in, it's about to get needy. I will give you a timeline, though:

Pre-k

Pre-FTi part one (ep1-mid series before FTi movie)

Pre-FTi part two (mid series-FTi movie)

FTi movie

Post FTi movie

TJM

I very much see Shortaki as a beautiful example of enemies to lovers.

In the beginning, both are kind to each other. In pre-k Arnold helps Helga, but they also wave across the snack space. Yes, after Helga gets bullied she turns hostile, but I think it's important to remember that their friendship is ultimately started on kindness.

Pre-FTi(P1) is a lot of just establishing the character and Hillwood, but still we don't often see Arnold truly upset with Helga. For the most part, she's a nuisance at worst. In episodes like The Vacant Lot and Save The Tree, we see Helga help Arnold/her fellow classmates with things that matter to them. Yes, she tries to play it off, but in Save The Tree specifically she says she's helping Arnold "because [her] dad has been bugging [her] lately" - not too many nine year olds would climb up into a tree their parent wanted to demolish for business SOLELY because said parent had been "bugging" them. So despite her frequent annoyances to Arnold, he has clear evidence early on that she's kind deep down.

In Monkey Business we get the reverse - Arnold, despite all of Helga's torment, shows genuine care and concern for Helga, even though he doesn't really believe in her faux diagnosis. If he truly disliked her, he could have simply not shown up.

Pre-FTi(P2) Arnold states on multiple occasions that he doesn't think Helga is a bad person, both to her and others. He considers her a friend, despite their rocky relationship. She's done enough over the years that he's seen proof that she's a kind person.

On top of that, Arnold is known for being wise beyond his years, in some cases even more so than the adults around him. Let's not forget in Benchwarmer when he realizes the reason the coach mistreats everyone else is out of misplaced love for his kid - it's not that far a stretch that Arnold would assume Helga *also* lashes out/mistreats others out of some kind of misplaced or maladaptive emotion. He's already shown the emotional maturity to understand such a concept, even if he doesn't have the vocabulary for it. Which would further explain why he sees Helga as a kind person despite her constant antagonizing.

Furthermore, in the episode School Play, Arnold clearly suspects something after Helga claims she didn't want to kiss him. At that point I don't think he was ready to admit to himself that it was a crush, but he noticeably smiles when he tells her "whatever you say" in response to her protests and excuses.

FTi is a hell of a movie in the best way, and could easily get it's own rant on several topics, but namely for this one I want to focus on the roof scene.

First of all, it's the first time Arnold gets truly upset with Helga, albeit without knowing it's her initially. Upon figuring out it is her, he's shocked and confused because Helga's kindness has never been so out of her way before. Things like Save The Tree more or less just required her to show up. Saving the neighborhood required her to put together an elaborate trail of information, an alias, and full on espionage far beyond the normal lengths available to a 9yo even in their universe. It's not that Helga's never been kind, before, it's that she put SO MUCH effort into something that was important to Arnold, who she supposedly hated, at clear and significant detriment to herself both present and future.

The love confession, unsurprisingly, takes Arnold completely off guard, because up until that point they had more or less been frenemies/a one sided friendship, but upon saving the neighborhood and things settling out, Arnold notably isn't *upset* with Helga about the whole thing. He's awkward and confused, but not angry about it.

Post-FTi we get stuff like, notably, April Fools Day, where Arnold appears to be starting to return Helga's feelings, at least in some way. Again, if he viewed her as someone toxic, he would likely try to stay away from her, not woo her even after being lied to.

TJM shows us (and Arnold) Helga's most selfless act to date - entering the video essay contest so that Arnold can go search for his long lost parents. Arnold already tried to enter - he knows how much work it took just to made their mediocre entry. For Helga to make a winning entry would have taken significantly more work, which Arnold recognizes. She put in an unparalleled amount of effort to do something that could (and did) change Arnold's life for the better forever. That's a huge gift to give even someone you care about, nevermind someone you "hate".

And throughout the movie Helga continues helping, even whilst going through her own personal emotional turmoil. Despite being broken hearted and resigned that Arnold will never return her feelings in the way she wants, she still helps him continuously. Because that's what you do when you love someone - it's not conditional.

Meanwhile Arnold is so focused on finding his parents and everything that it's not until the end that they're finally able to connect and express mutual feelings.

Basically, the way I see it is this:

Both of them have their issues - Helga is closed off and reactive, Arnold is idealistic and naive. But both of them are good, caring people who want to see the best in others, especially each other. Their communication isn't great, but they're kids. They communicate as best they're able, and to a degree we do see it improve over the course of the series.

And that whole-series progression is part of what I like. They're the definition of slow burn, and in that time we get to really see them grow and mature, and learn how to work with each other even when they butt heads. If they just jumped from Downtown As Fruits to TJM, I'd say it was toxic, too. But there's so much mutual growth and understanding that happens during the course of the show as a whole that I just can't agree with that. People change. And they mature and learn and get better.

The end of TJM shows Helga already slowly growing, despite her discomfort. Where previously she might have knocked Arnold aside for trying to hold her hand, she instead retreats into herself. It's not perfect, but it's growth. And change takes time. That little bit of growth tells me that Helga would keep working on her issues (especially if she continued seeing Dr. Bliss), and Arnold is willing to be understanding and supportive while she does it.

So yeah, that's my shortaki defense rant. I love these two beyond any other ship, and nothing can change that.

[misc-obeyme]

Hi yes can I learn more about Ciaran please if that's ok? I read some stuff about them and I'm very interested [have a great day/night<3]

Oh ho interested in my little chaos child are you? Honestly I'm always so surprised when anybody asks about Ciaran lol.

But I'm always happy to talk about them, so of course it's okay! I have a post about them here that has their basic information and backstory. I've also talked about them a bit here and there in posts which are always tagged with "#misc mc ciaran" should you wish to see those.

Also feel I should state here that due to being he/they, I tend to switch between those pronouns when I write about them, so I apologize for any confusion in advance.

Generally speaking, I wanted an MC who was just as much of a problem as the brothers always are. Someone who was more likely to contribute to the chaos rather than calm it. I think Ciaran is a bit of both, though. They are prone to trouble and will go along with any scheme that sounds fun. But they're also stubborn and if they think something's a bad idea, they will stop it in its tracks. They don't mind taking risks, but they also don't like to see people they care about get hurt. It takes them a long time to come around to some of the characters. Others they're like instant best friends with.

Ciaran is also extremely creative. I like to think they took the time to customize their RAD uniform to suit them better. They're also the kind of person who would paint a mural on any random wall they encounter, so I see that happening in their HoL room if there's enough space for it. If not, they'll do the ceiling. They'd get Beel to hold them up while they do it lol.

Ciaran is also good at building things and being handy. Like they could easily fix broken doors or table legs or whatever. They could build bookshelves and other basic furniture if they wanted to. And they'd probably paint them elaborately, too. Since Ciaran loves plants, he's learned to build things like plant boxes and most of the shelves they built were for holding plant pots.

However, Ciaran is terrible at cooking. I don't know what that'd be like in the HoL when everybody kind of rotates cooking duties. They'd probably be like well you can just order food from elsewhere. Because yo Ciaran is useless in the kitchen. He's not like Solomon where it's all experimentation, but more like they just don't even try. He's not gonna try to get the bros to eat his cooking because he knows it's terrible.

Anyway, that's just a little bit about Ciaran that I don't think I've talked about elsewhere! I could write about them all day, so I'm always happy to get asks about them! Even if it surprises me lol. If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask!

[im-a-chunky-potato]

I think you're

A kid

chuuya coded /j. you're very sigma + atsushi coded. plus a little dab of chemical X (nikolai humor as per your own words)

very nice. I saw you reblogging someone's post and leaving rlly kind/encouraging words in the tags.

fun to talk to, funny, kind, genuine potato 🥔

I think you really like mashed potatoes 🤭

You remind me of my other friend named Julienne 😭 (I swear if it turns out you're her, im gonna kms /j)

You've got artistic potential ✨

Kinda scared that you're the type to keep it to yourself if something bothers you (its cause of my other friend, sorry 😭) <<< if something bothers you, let them know, ayt? Your feelings matter lmao. Your feelings COME FIRST.

I hope you have fun and good friends at school/work cause you deserve it 💅💖

you've carry the group projects 💅 (usually the vice leader if not the actual leader. That OR you're a really helpful member who makes sure to contribute)

go finish that sigma rabbit analysis lmao. 🐰🐰🐰 /j

I think you're very rabbit coded too (in a way. Not going to elaborate lol.)

I'll never get over the fact that you compared yourself to a kid with a leash 😭😭

xoxo,

your secret admirer 😏

(̶J̶K̶ P̶L̶S̶ D̶O̶N̶T̶ C̶A̶L̶L̶ T̶H̶E̶ C̶O̶P̶S̶)̶

...WHY ON EARTH DID YOU WRITE AN ENTIRE ESSAY'S WORTH OF THINGS ABOUT ME. Actually, I'm flattered but also confused about the amount of effort you put into this.

Technically you are correct, but I will still fight you on this >:(

Htgsgs how dare you say that🐕.Yeah, I'm the Atsushi type heh!

You'd be right! To quote the wonderful Vash the Stampede- love and peace ✌️! I just like knowing I made someone smile or a bit happier<3

...I swear you're trying to kill me. But thank you! I'm surprised this name has stuck and just became my thing but it's kind of cool🥔 I hope all of my mutuals can never see potatoes the same again.

Htgsgs mashed potatoes are really good. But in all actuality my favorite food is Alfredo or any sort of pasta!

Your friend sounds awesome then. I hope she torments you irl as much as I do online! (Ooh hold on is that the same friend who thought you were texting a crush and you had to explain tumblr to?)

Aw ty! That was the first sketch I've done since forever. Hair is hard. And eyes. And faces. And... you get the point. I do want to improve though, so I'll keep trying.

I'll keep that in mind! And no worries, honestly the fact that you care about me enough to say that is really comforting. (Hah I'm attached to you now, it's all going downhill from here)

Thanks! I hope the same for you. My friends are awesome! They're the ones who also get to see my Nikolai side so it's fortunate they stay/j. Fun fact: I'm one of the giggliest people alive, so it's way to easy for them to make me laugh.

I could never be the leader lol, I don't have the confidence to tell other people what to do. But I'd say I'm the vice leader.

But that involves work... and effort... Actually I plan to get to it at some point. I'm impressed people are actually curious (aka I didn't plan for people to actually want to see my reasons, woops)

...Yeah I can see it.

THAT WAS ONE JOKE! Hstgs actually I'm glad you liked it. But if that's how you envision me now I will be sure to invoke all sorts of pain upon you🥰

I'll see you in court wakanai🫵 (I'm joking I would never do that to my fedya. If we go to jail we're doing it together!❤️ )

Xoxo, you're favorite potato<3

Sorry this took so long to write! And thanks a lot for all of the kind words, you have no clue how much I was smiling while making this.

[reynie-muldoons]

"Blank Expression" liveblog!

This episode title scares the shit out of me. Let's crack in.

0:17 so Dr. Garrison is in the recap 👀 methinks she will be in the episode

0:57 they got *off*??? WHY WOULD THEY GOT OFF WITHOUT HER

1:19 angy Kate is angy

2:29 "actually.. there might be someone" I know they cut to tetherball so its 100% Martina but my heart was asking for Moocho 😂 it's so cool they're bringing her back, she deserves it

2:37 THERE'S OUR GIRL!!!! She looks so fucking good!!

2:52 oh my gosh the tearaway pants hahaha

2:58 i had a thought that I will not elaborate on- she's the athletic version of Dipper Pines

3:15 AWWW THAT FAAAACE

3:19 okay the music was creepy but Constance still looks cute as a button in that coat

3:31 daaaayum! There she is!!!

4:27 I'll never skip this intro. Never

4:52 I love that the bucket is their identifier

5:24 "I dont think Curtain is the only armchair neuroscientist in the game" something about that sentence scratches the back of my brain 😂

5:33 Milligan's chemist background is peaking through

5:54 I would say that I would kill for her, but Rhonda can handle her damn self. You go bbg

6:28 ooooh is it time for vigilante Garrison??

6:32 "I invented it." there it is 🙃

6:44 alright, a little more respect for her here. She wasnt willing to test this shit on people without further testing, knowing there could be some crazy side effects

7:01 shit, did she rebuild the whisperer?

7:03 shit she did rebuild the whisperer

7:17 I cant tell if Garrison is about to try to make Constance a lab rat, try to team up, or try to make her disappear

7:47 okay so like a mixture of lab rat and team-up, got it

7:54 "I'm not your dancing bear. I eat bears." What does that mean 😂😂

8:00 shit. fuck. Okay, so it's a combination of lab rat, team-up, and making her disappear. Shit.

8:27 I dont like this. I really dont like this.

8:37 two things:

1. What the fuck is that weird-ass jumper suit outfit 🥴 get a sense of style

2. What is it with this guy and tableside meal preparation

9:03 "the constant grip of existential angst" that describes my day to day LOL

9:16 "you are going to completely reverse whatever it is you did to him" that's the thing, I dont think Curtain even can. He didnt let Garrison run the necessary testing

9:37 he's eating a crepe at her 🥴

9:54 "I'm not hungry" I'm bitter they left that part of her book characterization out of the show, it would have been so easy to adatlpte

10:04 "I'm not falling for it" okay but what if it's not something you fall for, it kind of seems like something that can happen passively if you're focused on him enough

10:37 she fucking chose that name, fuck off and stop trying to recruit her as your new Dr. Garrison

11:02 "you know how I know? Pure joy triggers his narcolepsy." Oooooh. Mic drop.

11:34 as she should. Eat your fucking crepe babe

11:46 awwwwww

11:56 PIE TRUCK. THEYRE SO CLOSE

12:00 MARTINA IN A PIE TRUCK!!!!!

12:04 oh wait wait that's not a pie truck that's their team's truck 😂😂😂

12:18 "how hell-bent on vengeance do you have to be to go after a tiny child?" I love that Martina is the voice of reason. Scratch that, I just love Martina

12:37 "I bought in, I excelled, and no on cares." Spoken like a true ex-cult member

13:09 I don't know about a leader

13:16 "doesnt your team need this gear?" "Yeahh, probably" dude 😂😂😂

13:34 "maybe if they dont appreciate what I bring... maybe they dont get a van." Impeccable logic!

13:46 what the fuck is happening

14:02 this poor child wtf

14:43 "no one will be left out of our loving, loving family." See, this is why the whole fake happiness thing is fucked up. Curtain's like yeah hey come love in our compound, it's really nice :) but you cant leave. You'll be really fucking happy! But literally nothing else, only happy. There are no strings attached! Except everyone owes me for making them not be miserable anymore. It's similar to the Institute, where they stated there were no rules but there absolutely were. That's not to mention the mental unhealthiness and unsustainability of it all, and the manipulation that comes with this.

14:53 another one 🙃

15:29 "you are sanguine." "I am undercover!" Their dynamic right now reminds me of a drunk person trying to convince a sober person they're not drunk

15:39 this is real weird

15:49 oh lord now mr b has to play both sides

15:58 fucking christ

16:16 aoon enough the storeroom wont be big enough to hold them

16:21 Roll credits!

16:32 allergic reactions dont do that bud

16:38 alright, stiff necks. Noted. Can't wait to see mr b rubbing his neck like sebastian was in like 2 episodes

16:57 gotta love medical malpractice

17:10 so the polo team's with Garrison. I didnt put that together earlier lolol

17:38 I bet she doesnt give dental

17:48 "any financial stress-of which there is none-is worth the freedom I have now" methinks the lady doth protest too much

17:51 "being out from under that man's oppressive thumb is priceless" HA that's one sure thing she's being truthful about

18:23 awwwww. Reynie was about to take the blame, but Sticky made it clear they all agreed and went out together :')

18:55 yeah no I dont like that she called Constance an asset either, but now's not the time

19:13 them 30 seconds ago: "we havent covered the whole area" them, walking 2 feet across the tracks: "OH LOOK PRINTS"

19:37 I find it funny that they put a translation of the train sign in that 1 second between dialogue

20:09 RHONDA SLAY

20:39 a chemist who just had a baby, its Milligan all over again 🥺 Rhonda will defend the chemist, surely

20:52 smart move

21:52 you cant just tell someone to get that angry on command 🥴

22:05 well, she did break it

24:05 "I see a broken person who's angry." therapist!Constance is not wrong

24:33 she sounds like how Curtain did in the season 1 finale right before he had an narcoleptic episode- in denial

25:55 I love how Kate doesn't use bobbie pins in her hair but she sure does have them in the bucket

26:12 they made it burggrub, but the kids got off the train before it could ever stop there. Fun little game of tag that the adults are marvelously failing at

26:17 I know I've said this every single episode but I love Milligan and Miss Perumal's dynamic SO MUCH

26:20 DIPIKA????? The show strikes again with coming up with first names names for characters that we were never canonically told

26:24 ohhhh no no no no

26:24 alternatively, does this mean the two of them will be taken to the compund? With Mr B and Number Two?

26:44 noooo not the hippie clothes

27:16 I dont know how much this faux happiness thing is messing with his thought patterns. Like is he actually trying to use his position as leverage, or is he just saying that to try and stay longer?

27:25 there's a plan hatching and I'm worried about it lol, she's been murderous all season

27:33 "we're gonna kidnap him." "What?" LMAO SHE'S SO FRANK ABOUT IT

27:49 *graphically describing the death of a proverbial animal* remember how I said she's been murderous all season? Yeah 😂

28:05 llama!

28:14 shit. I didnt think he had been a recipient of the technique thing?? But apparently so

28:27 oh my gosh the sobbing in the distance. What did therapist!Constance do to this poor woman

28:39 this is about what I expected HAHA

28:55 "did she hurt you?" "She's the one who's hurting." Therapist!Constance strikes again

29:12 man, I thought we were getting somewhere with her 🥴

I'm excited to see where this goes! The kids have had a startling reunion, and the adults are about to have one themselves.

29:18 man. They just had to end it there. This season's had some great cliffhangers

Bingo for the next episode is coming tonight :)) what did you guys think?

[spatio-rift]

Sakuma will have parent that don't care about him,that why he so jalous or idk about kidou

Im the person about the ie timeline

Je suis pas fraiçais-e mais marocain-e

interesting.... i admit i dont really see how the two would correlate especially given kidous own family situation but maybe im just not understanding this the way you mean it so if you want to elaborate on why you think this i am all ears! as for what i personally think i will be honest i might have something of a controversial understanding of shin teikoku (?) because i genuinely dont think it says anything really significant about sakuma as a character... so im not a huge fan of using shin teikoku as a reference for his characterization or for drawing conclusions about other aspects of his life. but of course that is just me and everyone is free to do whatever they want im not here to police anyone on this.

also do keep in mind that i like the way these events unfold in the game more so thats what my reference is rather than the anime. so maybe we are already speaking about completely different things but here goes. this is long as hell so under a readmore this one goes too

to me shin teikoku doesnt really say much about sakuma and genda as people because so much of the 'issues' it brings to light are relevant on fudous manipulation and literal brainwashing using the aliea meteorite lol. also, the issue in the first place isnt something that is really proper to them or sakuma alone... the feelings fudou exploits to get them to join shin teikoku are something all of teikoku have experienced: the frustration of being stuck in the hospital, their humiliating defeat against zeus making them feel powerless, the slight bitterness about kidou leaving them and the subsequent awkwardness preventing them from staying in contact (they didnt want to be a bother while he was with raimon). even the desire to see through kidous eyes for once instead of just watching his back is something they all have felt--thats the kind of leader kidou was for teikoku, he led by example. he had to be the best to guide everyone else. hes not the kind of captain that walks beside you like endou is.

but the thing is, ultimately, their love of kidou is stronger than any of those negative feelings towards him. the other members of teikoku are fine. they respect kidous decision, even if its a little awkward and they miss him. none of them are self-destructively jealous and resentful of him. not naturally.

to me it could have been anyone from teikoku, because they all felt this way on some level, and they all could have been manipulated into joining shin teikoku (and also, rather than any personal characterization moment or growth, the purpose of having teikoku members in this chapter is more about them being used by kageyama to hurt kidou 🙃).

what fudou does with genda and sakuma is that he pushes and pushes until he pokes at these feelings deep inside, and strikes when theyre shaken and in doubt. genda and sakuma, on some level, worry that kidou abandoned them and that theyre not strong enough. what does fudou do, then? he keeps putting them down, criticizing them when they mess up, insulting them, so they feel even worse about themselves. he keeps insisting that kidou threw them away, that he left them all to rot, that he stabbed them in the back, so they feel actual anger and resentment towards him. coupled with the use of the aliea meteorite to literally brainwash them into doing things they dont want to. (they dont willingly use beast fang and kp1 btw. in sakumas own words, in the brief moment when he breaks free of the aliea brainwashing, "R-run! [Kidou], get out of here! Y-you don't stand a chance if you take him on now... He's going to make us use that special move!")

to come back to the jealousy aspect and wanting to get a taste of kidous power, thats something they admit to only realizing through this whole ordeal. thats not something they consciously felt before. and even then when they briefly broke free of the brainwashing, while they admitted wanting to feel as powerful as kidou, they urged him to flee because they didnt want to hurt him. so even if they ARE jealous in a way, i feel like its more of a "i want to be strong too" thing than a "i want to be better than kidou and stick it to him, specifically" thing, personally? <- im only mentioning this because ive occasionally seen some people talk about shin teikoku in that way kinda and its like. wild to me

if anything i think that arc says a lot more about kidou and his past relationship with the team and how they can change to grow into something more healthy (closing the gap between them by having kidou let them come close to him and for them to stop relying on and admiring him so much. incidentally, this is pretty much exactly what happens to kidou and sakuma in ie3! they are much more like actual close friends now, with no invisible line drawn between them!) than sakuma and genda themselves.

errrm all in all i dont think sakuma ever was particularly jealous of kidou out of shin teikoku or at least not any more than the others. his feelings just were taken advantage of and exploited by fudou and kageyama. also, the brainwashing is a huge part of it and i wish people acknowledged that more. sorry for going on a massive tangent about shin teikoku like this over this one short ask thats something ive always wanted to talk about in some way and well this was the occasion !

[wetbloodworm]

while their story largely centers around their trauma and the sort of horror scenario they're in rn, one thing i want to note about cathan is that they are for the most part a hopeful person. elaborating under the cut

mostly, they wholeheartedly believe that the war is going to end with the Good Guys winning and that ariknott will get to experience peace again. they don't know what a world without war looks like and they don't know if it’ll happen in their lifetime, but they have faith that'll happen eventually. they have faith in mortals and they have faith in the gods. it’ll take work, though, and that's a big reason why cathan pours themself into fighting and defending. doing their part. wars don't end themselves.

when the attacks are so frequent and they haven't stopped for 50+ years it's easy to see them as inevitable, and cathan does to a degree, but they also see them as inevitable just for now. one of these fights will be the last, some day.

that hope is a big part of what keeps cathan going when things are bad, and boy they're bad now. cathan is doing Extremely Not Good but that doesn't change their outlook or their motivation to keep fighting for as long as they're needed. they refuse to let themself wallow in their despair because nothing's going to get done that way (and also because they're scared to feel their feelings but that's another matter lol). they may be hurting but they can still help, and if they help enough some day other people won't have to experience the same kind of hurt.

(the downside here is ofc that cathan uses what they see as their duty as an excuse to not stop and take care of themself emotionally/mentally. they're too busy, they have a war to win, they can't stop. they have to keep fighting.)

they're still processing the whole áedán situation rn and don't know if he'll come back, though they're bracing for the possibility, because they're hopeful but realistic. they'd like it if he stayed dead this time, but they're not gonna bet on that, and if he does show up again... well. cathan will do what they've always done and keep fighting. they'll keep fighting as long as they need to. and if they can't figure out how to make killing áedán stick, then they'll kill him however many times they need to, and one day when the war is over and/or nimdos is dead maybe he'll get to rest at that point. cathan isn't sure how it works, but there's SOME kind of solution out there. they'll figure it out. it'll be okay. eventually. it's okay that it hurts now, it'll be okay eventually, cathan's gonna fucking make sure.

this optimism of theirs was a big difference between them and áedán pre-houndening, also. both of them had the war constantly on their minds, though cathan was more obvious about it with their constant training and fighting, but where cathan had hope and determination, áedán fell more to fear and despair. war was all he knew, too, but he couldn't imagine things ever getting better. the good guys outnumbered the bad guys but they still couldn't stop them after half a century. none of their efforts seemed to matter. he was scared and in a perpetual state of waiting for the next attack not knowing if that's the one that'd kill him. in the end, this is what made him vulnerable to recruitment. things are going to be horrible forever and nothing matters, why NOT join the side that's got at least one win so he doesn't have to be scared anymore? he'll probably still die, but it'll feel like it's more on his terms, and maybe he can get more power to protect himself along the way. part of his final downfall was thinking he could reason with cathan and make them recognize their hope and altruism as fantasies that were just going to get them killed. he thought he could make them see the truth that felt so obvious to him.

he was, of course, Wrong, and cathan has continued to cling to their beliefs with both hands. this will be over someday. things will be better someday.

[6okuto]

(i’m the ushijima x oikawa’s sibling headcanons anon) THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING MY REQUEST XHSCSHSC i’m crying for laughing so much, i loved everything! this literally made my day thank you T^T oikawa is so chaotic i love him and ushijima is a softy for is s/o i know ;; but the best part was this: “ -looks straight into his sibling's eyes and says "at least it isn't tobio. i would have disowned you, you know?" ” because that would be an even more hilarious situation and now i want some headcanons with his sibling with tobio as a boyfriend too👀 just to make him suffer you know? XD (#freeoikawa lol) obviously only if you like this kind of content! thank you so much again💕

— oikawa with a sibling dating kageyama

HEESSJDH I'M GLAD U ENJOYED!!! and merry christmas to oikawa tooru i'm making your life a drama! sorry this took a hot minute help... christmas eve moment

it makes sense that they'd know kageyama since he was on oikawa's team, plus his sibling would be in kageyama's grade

they probably kept in contact after junior high

karasuno vbc found out before seijoh (obviously). i think some of them were scared for kageyama's life. hinata thinks he's about to lose his setter fr

but imagine oikawa finding out by overhearing one of his fangirls of all people talking about it

"did you know his sibling is dating that guy from karasuno? kageyama? how do they handle dating such a big competitor,"

he pauses.. freeze frame.

"what the hell? What the Hell? What The Hell?"

aoba johsai's volleyball club is sent into disaster as their captain oikawa tooru experiences every stage of grief at the same time

everyone watches as he calls his sibling and starts yelling, "HELLO?! Backstabber of a sibling. traitor. you're dating Tobio of all the people in the world?? is this an elaborate prank? do you hate me? i'm making you sleep on the couch i don't care if you have your own room-"

tooru starts spitting out every possible embarrassing moment and fact about kageyama he has. insulting him with no coherence

"you want to date that guy? i know all of his weaknesses. i hit him in the head once. he didn't even move. you deserve someone with faster reflexes, who has better emotional intelligence than a caterpillar. have you had a conversation with him ever? his head is empty. and you know he goes to a vending machine to buy milk, right? milk? is that not embarrassing enough for you—"

tooru is already..the way he is...when he sees kageyama. but the aura this man has the next time he sees him.

tobio shows up at their house to pick up his partner and tooru opens the door instead. "hello, i'm here to pick up your sib-" "stay away from my family." "but we're...dating?" "STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY"

he has to be physically dragged away from the door

he thinks he might cry when he comes home to kageyama on the couch. literally might burst into tears while punching the air

"iwa hear me out. i could shave his head. or do i bleach it? would he look bad blond? they wouldn't want to be with blond tobio, right?"

oikawa texting the third year gc whenever kageyama is around. "911 the enemy is IN MY HOUSE" "oikawa shut the hell up" / "how many years in prison is knocking a minor out cold with a frying pan" "what is wrong with you"

he sees them kiss once and oikawa starts gagging and iwaizumi has to stop him from setting a ball straight at kageyama's head. he cannot catch a break ever.

neither can kageyama

oikawa is grilling and testing this guy because if he's going to date his little sibling "he has to prove himself." birthday, favourite food, when they met, when they started going out, his english skills for some reason, etc. etc.

anytime kageyama is over oikawa blatantly ignores him at first

"sweet sibling of mine, would you like some snacks?" "yeah we'd love some—" "Who is We?"

oikawa challenging kageyama to a volleyball drills over the dumbest things just to separate them..help. "Tobio. the loser has to do our dishes. deal or no deal" "tooru those are literally your chores"

after the first couple of times they decide to just,, not hang out at oikawa's house if he might be home

honestly it doesn't take long for his sibling to bring it up themself. he does like when people are direct about their feelings

"can't you just let me date him in peace, tooru? i'm going to date him whether you want me to or not, so even if you can't support me i'd appreciate it if you would at least stop bullying him everytime he's around. if not for him, for me."

oikawa k.o.

similar to his reponse to them dating ushijima,, he forces himself to tone it down (he's glaring in silence)

he makes a pact. a peace treaty, if you will. no harassing tobio (moreso than he did before they were dating) = no pda around him

still. if they're gonna keep dating he's going to try to find silver lining like "hey hey, do you have any embarrassing photos of tobio? can you send them to me? i want a folder for humiliation,"

his sibling dating kageyama ends up being like his exposure therapy HELPSEMD /hj

at some point he watches the door for kageyama and opens it before he reaches the doorbell so they can talk alone

glares at him with his arms crossed and says "tobio, volleyball aside, i don't like you. so help me god if you ever, ever, hurt my sibling i will hunt you down. i Know Where Your School Is."

kageyama takes this so seriously . answers like he's facing a coach and kind of stutters out an Of Course, while standing super straight

he's trying his best

they walk back in like it didn't happen and tooru puts his arm over tobio's shoulder and yells "your stupid boyfriend is here!"

you know the scene where kageyama asks him for advice and tooru makes his nephew take a photo of him bowing? he has so many of those now but he never gets sick of them.

"you want ideas for what to get for their birthday? not my problem. unless..."

if there's a karasuno v seijoh match.. rip his sibling fr no choice but to be wearing the seijoh colours

[uv-duv]

😳 would you want to elaborate on why and how guillermo is bad and selfish? not like i need proof or something that he's not a poor cinnamon roll i just cannot articulate it for myself and wondered if maybe you would like to share how you see him. also he's such a delight i forget to observe his bad qualities (like i don't even care i like him so much but i do care because i like him)

Also i would gladly read any thoughts on nandor's bad qualities lol <3 and no matter if you decide to answer this ask or not, thank you in advance!!!

Ho ho ho… would i? 😈

imho, Guillermo is a really well-done audience stand-in that is gradually revealed to be the most dangerous and complex character of the show. I love him dearly. 🖤

--from the first episode, Guillermo is shown adeptly infiltrating groups of people—“what ho, good friends!” in order to kill--I mean, in order to, lure them, to be killed. He doesn’t show remorse for this until SEASON TWO. “I just, didn’t really think about the victims or their families”. Compare that to Jenna, who struggles to kill her first victim and has to pick the douchiest ska singer in the world that also personally offended her.

--he lured JEREMY, HIS BEST FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL, to a vampire orgy, TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH. Luckily, Jeremy only died a little death instead 😉 Guillermo felt bad about this one and has a panic attack about it, but at no point did he communicate to Nandor that this was a problem or that they would need to find someone else!

--Guillermo can be snotty and judgmental! He can be a total dick! In Manhattan Night Club, he has a little ego moment commenting to Colby that some would consider him an “expert” at being a familiar, and when Jenna falls off the roof, he calls her a bag of garbage and refuses to help, petty bitch that he is. ❤️

--there’s a scene in Brain Scramblies when Guillermo shares that it’s difficult to catch joggers because they’re so slippery. Okay you little psycho. 😊

--Guillermo often re-directs emotional moments that are centered on Nandor, the one person he esteems the most highly, back to his own quest to be a vampire. In Citizenship, after Nandor thanks him for giving him a reality check and cheering him up, Guillermo could have said you’re welcome or expressed any kind of appreciation that Nandor feels better, but instead immediately asks if Nandor wants a vampire sidekick. He does this again in season 3 during the wellness episode, when Nandor is about to leave. Instead of confessing his feelings for Nandor, the last thing he asks for is to be turned. And he doesn’t go after him! Nandor went to Celeste’s after a week, and then again when it wasn’t enough the first time, yet Guillermo didn’t come after him at all for a month.

--maybe more controversial, but I didn’t read Guillermo as genuinely grieving Colin Robinson’s death in the season three finale at all. He literally reframes Colin Robinson’s passing as an opportunity for himself to be turned! Guillermo also 100% was not upset in the least when Topher died in front of him. Of the bing bongs, Guillermo is the most steeped in death of them all and the least affected.

our boy maintains direct, unflinching eye contact with a vampire assassin that he stakes in Resurrection, to watch the light fade from his eyes, which is very sexy and unhinged of him as well. (thanks Harvey!)

--he’s been shown several times to at least consider murdering Nandor, from episode 1 when Nandor didn’t turn him and he hesitates, opening the curtain to spill the sunlight on Nandor’s coffin, to episode 1 of season 2 when he puts the stakes in Topher’s minifridge and murmurs how he knows what to do if Nandor ever stops appreciating him.

In sum, Guillermo is a deeply flawed little dude who decided at 19 that he was completely okay with being turned into a monster that would need to kill and drain the blood of human beings for eternal life and has done everything, EVERYTHING possible to achieve that goal, even in the face of learning his vampire slayer heritage. He is single-minded, selfish, cunning, and plays into his harmless appearance to bring people’s guard down, including other vampires (all of which I would argue he has in common with Nandor cough, but Nandor deserves his own post). Guillermo is used to performing roles and lying. Beneath the mask is another mask. I genuinely think that Guillermo frames familiarhood as a step up from being a regular, normie human, on the stepladder to vampirism, and I can imagine that now he’s been promoted to bodyguard from familiar he’ll only be more smug about it to other familiars.

Guillermo is better than us and he knows it. 🖤

[blueskittlesart]

Okay okay big ask - rate every loz game you’ve played (by stars or in order I don’t mind)

ok lets go!! i rated them on both story and gameplay seperately bc those r 2 different ratings in my mind lol. they're in the order i played them except aoc at the end bc it's not main-line. i also left out games i haven't finished yet (nes zelda, zelda II, ALBW)

OOT: gameplay 9/10 | story 1000000/10 video game of all time. i mean this with 100% sincerity playing oot was fundamental for me. gameplay gets 1 point off tho bc i vividly remember crying because i couldn't make the camera go where i wanted it to the first time i ever played it

MM: gameplay 7/10 | story 10/10 i think this game is a perfectly cohesive sequel to oot in basically every way possible. the navi thing makes me insane obviously but i won't dock a point for it because i understand narratively why the choice was made and like. it works. the only complaint i have with this game is that the gameplay itself was super difficult for me both now and when i was younger--not the dungeons specifically, but the timer being there and counting down in real time was so anxiety-inducing for me that it distracted from the story. I do actually like the timer from like an objective standpoint and i think it was really well-implemented i just can't enjoy it fully because of my own hangups lol

BOTW: gameplay 10/10 | story 1000/10 perfect game. i don't feel the need to elaborate. i genuinely think in like 10 years this game is going to be the modern-day oot in terms of industry influence

ALTTP: gameplay 8/10 | story 8/10 okay this is my first less-than-perfect story score and i want to make it clear that i am obsessed with the story of alttp ok. obsessed. but i can recognize that a lot of what i find great about this game comes from my own analysis and is. not actually super present in the source material. and it is the 3rd loz game ever released and. well. it shows. that being said i think of all the 2d games to play you should play this one

LINK'S AWAKENING: gameplay 6/10 | story 0/10 sorry i. did not like this game lol. too much retro-style gameplay and not enough interesting story to make up for it. i also vehemently hate platformers so the sidescrolling dungeon segments made me want to kms. the story also does not actually happen like. within the game's own canon bc it's all a dream so i couldn't bring myself to care. i never even beat this game bc the final boss pissed me off too much

TP: gameplay 8/10 | story 0/10 fuck this game. the story sucked. it was poorly written and disjointed, a huge mess thematically, and 90% of the non-dungeon gameplay felt like needless padding. i've said it before and i'll say it again: twilight princess was an oot remake written by people who did not understand ocarina of time and got all their information on the loz franchise from youtube videos with clickbait thumbnails entitled "10 DARK SECRETS nintendo doesn't want you to know!!!" that being said the motion controls were still better than sksw and it had some of the better dungeon designs in the franchise. fuck that fishing minigame tho

SKSW: gameplay 4/10 | story 10/10 ok to preface this i played the original wii version which is why the gameplay rating is so low. i would rather die than play through this game on my shitty old wii again holy shit. that being said the story was phenomenal and i'm really glad it got a remake with a functional control scheme so hopefully more people will see that

WW: gameplay 6/10 | story 9/10 this is a hard one for me. again i need you to understand that i played the gameboy version and therefore had to do the gameboy triforce hunt which is why the gameplay score is so low, but there were also some quality-of-life things like the hitbox sizes and some of the dungeon design that pissed me off a bit. as for the story, there are pieces of it that i could analyze obsessively for hours on end but there are also pieces that are kind of clunky to me in regards to the overall lore so it gets a less-than-perfect score lol

(bonus because it isn't really a main-line loz game) HWAOC: gameplay 8/10 | story 6/10 sigh. i want to like this game way more than i do. the gameplay is genuinely fun at times if a bit underwhelming compared to the game it takes its setting and characters from, but it never claimed to be a mainline game so i don't fault it too much for that. the story could be SO GOOD and there are some pockets of greatness in there (the sword-claiming scene, the scene where zelda's powers activate, general extra characterization of the champions, etc) but they just had to throw in some timeline fuckery and the most boring hot-topic-wannabe villain in the fucking world and ruin it for themselves. agh

[hpdgirlfriend]

🍄: hello! if I may ask since ur a personal blog surrounding hpd and all, what are the ways these symptoms sort of manifest? i am questioning atm and i find myself kind of resonating w/ these ones in particular since they feel familiar to me in some way. i might need some like… elaborating because *some of them seem to confuse me. there isn’t that much info about hpd at all from what i could find :(

- being uncomfortable when not being the center of attention

- rapid mood swings

- impressionistic style of speech that lacks in detail*

- being theatrical / hyperbolic*

- easily influenced / naive*

- misreading relationships and considering them to be closer than they actually are*

thank you for your time <:)

- being uncomfortable when not being the center of attention what it says on the tin but some personal examples, i get uncomfortable sometimes when there's a conversation going on and i'm not the center of it, or i don't get "enough" (or the "right") responses, especially in comparison to someone else. i feel jealous and inferior when others receive compliments, or get any kind of positive attention. sometimes i have to leave or mute things because it upsets me too much - rapid mood swings not sure what to say for this one, sorry!! /g (if you have a more specific question i might be able to answer? no guarantee though) - impressionistic style of speech that lacks in detail okay so how i interpret this one is basically. saying things you don't really mean/believe for the sake of it and not having anything to back it up? i joke a lot that i say things for recreational purposes lol but an example of this is me overenthusiastically agreeing with someone for their approval when i have no idea what they are talking about or i don't actually care or agree, or adding in a buuncch of fluff and empty words that don't actually mean anything. - being theatrical / hyperbolic exaggerating your emotions, self, etc, intentionally or unintentionally because the more intense(?) something is the more attention it will get naturally. like saying "this kind of sucks" vs "this is the worst thing to ever happen to me, i'm going to kill myself" i also present myself differently to how i feel internally, kind of like i'm playing a character, or putting on an act/performance- like me right now acting more sure of what i'm saying than i actually am, lol - easily influenced / naive going with whatever someone else says because you want the attention or being easily manipulated because now they approve of you so it's all okay again! - misreading relationships and considering them to be closer than they actually are i'm not sure what this is for people generally, but for me i'll think of someone as a friend when we're really just acquaintances, or i'll think of someone as really close to me when i know logically they aren't. i thinkk because even the smallest bit of approval/positive attention is much more important to me than it would be for other people, i kind of mentally put them higher up on the friendship ladder than they would be and think of them more affectionately. but idk this is mostly based on my own experience because that's the best way i can communicate it so like disclaimer i have other disorders that influence things and am only one individual etc etc, hopefully this helps at least a little bit though even though i'm not a credible source </3 /gen