#somebody tell me what I am

[ihavetoomuchhomeworkforthis]

(TLDR at the bottom)

So far, my gender journey or whatever you call it hasn't really felt normal. There hasn't been any moment of realization, no, "I've always knew" and there wasn't any feeling of everything clicking into place when I found the right word. None of the labels really seem perfect, many of them seem okay. I should maybe start at the beginning.

In kindergarten-1st-2nd I never really wanted to play with the girls at recess. We sort of automatically separated ourselves by gender, and the girls always seemed too, well, "girly," so I often tried to play with the boys instead, even though I didn't get to participate that much. My best friends were two guys and a girl who I somehow deemed less girly than the rest. When I was 5, I asked to get my hair cut really short. It ended up being a bob instead of boyish like I was probably hoping for, and we donated the hair that was cut off.

In 3rd grade we moved, my hair had grown back out, and I started telling everyone I was a boy all the time. When they didn't believe me, I'd mention that one time I saw this old guy at church who had long hair in a ponytail, so that meant guys could have long hair too. One time I was sitting with a couple guys and one of them asked if I was a boy, why did I use the girl's bathroom? And if I had been more self confident I might have been able to explain that nobody believed me, and I'd never told any teachers, and there were security cameras outside the bathrooms, and besides, it was just habit. Once, during gym, I asked to use the bathroom and went into the boy's bathroom instead. It wasn't that different, just the stalls were a different color, and probably there were urinals also, I don't remember. Thankfully nobody was in there, so I just used the bathroom and went back to gym. I sort of gave up telling everyone I was a boy all the time in 4th and 5th, and I wasn't really good friends with anyone except maybe one boy. I was determined to hate the school because it wasn't my old school, and I had really liked my old school.

Skip to 6th and 7th, and I had a school chromebook, which I used to discover the concept of "lgbtq" and do a bunch of "am I trans" type of online quizzes. My best friend in 6th was a girl, and in 7th we drifted apart because she had sports, so my best friend was then a boy in band who was the only other 7th grade horn player.

For 8th we moved again, and before moving, I decided I wanted my hair cut really short again, to show up at my new school looking like a boy, if that were possible. So my mom actually did cut my hair that short, and we donated it again, and I went into 8th grade with short hair and awkward bangs which were difficult to avoid letting fall into a middle part. My automatic new best friend was the only other new person in 8th grade. We were nothing alike, but the whole year I sort of felt stuck with them. They tried new names and pronouns every couple months, and when I mentioned not really feeling like a girl (sort of obvious from the boyish haircut) they wanted to help me find the right name and pronouns and label as well. I hadn't actually hated my name, and I wasn't really ready to try to find the perfect label, but we ended up trying Kai they/them, and Ashe he/him, both of which never felt quite right. Halfway through the year they adopted people into our friendship and I was shy so I became such a third wheel that I may as well not have been there, but it felt wrong to leave them, and I didn't know anyone else very well. I started talking to my mom about these things and she's loving and supportive thankfully, but she didn't quite agree with any of it, or the idea of finding labels, because "we're all just people," and she's right maybe, but the different perspective on things was confusing.

9th (and 10th so far) I didn't really make any "best" friends. I put both they/them and she/her on the beginning of year get to know you papers, and wrote that my name was fine but I wished I could find one that felt less feminine, and that they could shorten it however they wanted. I thought if I had been born a boy, I might want to be a girl, and I might like to wear dresses and make-up. I started thinking maybe I was cis after all, and maybe I was just attention-seeking, which was an oddly disappointing thought, and seemed backwards from the "normal" experience. Then again, if I were cis, would I be spending so much time thinking about it? I'm okay with being a girl, but I don't really feel like I fit perfectly in that box, and I wouldn't mind being a boy instead, but I think I'd feel just as much of a misfit there, too. I don't hate my breasts, they're pretty small anyway, and when I wear feminine clothing (rarely) it looks nice (because girly clothes are designed to look nice on a girly shape), but if I was magically flat-chested one day I don't think I'd mind at all. The summer that I cut my hair (I've grown it back out since then), I tried to dress as masculine as I could so I'd be percieved as male on the playground by my grandparent's house, and it worked, and there have been a couple times that people thought I was a boy or just couldn't tell, but was that actually really cool and exciting, or was I making it up and just telling myself that I enjoyed being mistaken for a guy because I wanted to fit in with the idea of what being trans was based on the online quizzes and stuff?

I also started wondering about sexuality, and feeling the same weird backwards disappointment about possibly being straight, and wondering if it was strange not to have had a real crush yet, with the exception of a strange obsession with a guy in 2nd grade. I think maybe if I'm attracted to anything at all, it would be androgyny. Girls with short hair, boys with longer hair, girls with muscles and masculine features, guys who have more feminine features and maybe wear make-up or nail polish, people who are completely androgynous. Some girls are pretty and some boys are pretty too. Is that okay, or am I just picky and that's why I haven't had a "real" crush yet, or am I deluding myself? What does it even mean to have a crush? Have I had crushes other than just the guy in 2nd grade and I've just been too socially awkward to realize or do anything about it? Or do I just not experience romantic attraction, only ...aesthetic attraction for lack of a better phrase? And am I a girl or not really?

I don't know and gender and sexuality are confusing and I'm still very much questioning and maybe I always will be.

TLDR: I don't understand my gender or sexuality and it's all very confusing please help haha

[uncanny-tranny]

I think instead of treating somebody's queerness as a right for you to know, people should instead think of somebody's queerness as a privilege to know.

It is a privilege for you to know if somebody is queer - it is by no means a right. It should be treated as such.

[madspeed]

Does anybody else ship them i think im going insane and have been feverishly thinking abt their 2 minute long interaction at tye end of the game

[destiel-more-like-im-dead-again]

CLEAR TEXT

[thedreadvampy]

sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'

[reel-fear]

Mike's posting on Youtube now. If you're a Bendy fan very unhappy with the awful decisions he's been making recently or the way he spoke to his fans.... I would heavily consider making a somewhat civil comment about how fucking annoying his constant stubbornness to keep posting on social media no matter how fucking poorly it goes for him Every Time is, and how just because he's moved to a new platform we aren't going to stop criticizing his actions nor forget how awful he was on Twitter/X

Here's the comment I left, no I wasn't super kind because Mike is rich and a bigot, he'll be fine if I'm a little rough on him. Wonder how long he'll let it stay up lmao.

[ratsbanes]

Fandom: this character is fun, a little hyper, and we generally think they're annoying. They have ADHD. And this character is a nerd, a bit shy, and we think they're pathetic. They have autism.

[tabithatwo]

—sophie thatcher

—sophie nelisse

[lexygabe]

hiiiiii

here i am, polish supa strikas ex-writer from wattpad, who will publish some nonsense on this hellsite bcs i'm quirky like that

nico (💟💟💟💟💟💟) encouraged me to post this, so

[zaynes-left-chesticle]

Okay I just read Zayne's "Still in Dark" anecdote, and now I'm crying and also my jaW IS ON THE GROUND, WHAT IN THE FUC-

----

enjoy the tags, I just needed to vent....

And I'm scared 🤣

[dylanlila]

i managed to make myself feel bad over a message from someone not brave enough to say things to me as themselves, but luckily i have friends who know i'd be overthinking something as stupid as this.

[likesplatterpaint]

Lately I am in such an incredibly back and forth flux of

I am so under valued and unappreciated

And

LOL you and your art/designs aren’t special or even good get real. Absolutely 0 companies are noticing you let alone want you.

Had a genuinely lovely day collaborating with the rest of the fine art team- my people through and through. If this was work all the time, I wouldn’t dream of leaving. But it’s not. It’s once in a blue moon.

I’m not even sure I should leave. I got it in my head that I want to. But do I really want to upend the steadfast security of this job? A place where my peers know and respect me? Nobody questions me but higher ups ignore my attempts to change things that need changing.

Though to be real, the county over is at a budget deficit and attempting to furlough teachers. So. That’s no fun.

I’m really good at this job- why do they have to keep making it harder and more stressful despite me pointing out ways to NOT DO THAT

For me OR the kids for fucks sake!

Everyone at my school is teaching way more courses than is historically normal and I just feel like this is the beginning of a slippery slope

But it’s also a slope I’m familiar with, at least?

It’s extremely hard to fire me, ten years in with tenure and a good reputation. But how much more bullshit is going to be shoved our way? I have two kids with major medical concerns this round and god knows that’ll be great for what is likely CPTSD from mom being chronically and unstably ill all of my life.

Ahhhhh?????????!!!!!

[uncanny-tranny]

One thing I find weird about visibly transitioning is realizing that while you as a human haven't changed in regards to personality or what have you, people's perception of you has, and sometimes that means you'll be treated differently.

I've noticed that as I become more "visibly" male to people, they are much more willing to say that I am "aggressive". Oftentimes, I'm not even doing anything out of the ordinary, I'm acting like I always have, and to be honest, people don't say how I'm being aggressive. It's really jarring because I haven't changed - my personality is the same. But I think what has changed is the fact that I am read as male doing the things I always have, so I'm treated with that lack of nuance.

I bring this up because it's an aspect of transition that can be very difficult, and even dangerous. I wonder, if I'm being seen this way, how are other trans people being seen? These things are important to consider because it can compromise our safety

[lost-in-fandoms]

Logan and Max have another talk, or 'does kissing count as free therapy?' Part 2 of whatever this was. I couldn't fall asleep last night because of how hard I kept thinking about these two. I blame @girlsdads for giving me the brainrot in the first place.

cw: the tiniest bit of implied sexual content

It's another bad race. Fucking 16th, only ahead of the two Saubers, and of the Haas and Alpine that had crashed each other out. There was no reason why his pit stop had to be 4.3 seconds, when Alex's had been 2.7, no reason why he had been fucked over by not one but two undercuts because of shitty strategy, no reason why Alex's side of the garage had to be celebrating 8th place while his was sullen and quiet.

Logan fears he's going to throw up when he steps in and James claps him on the shoulder, saying sorry, next time, as if Logan doesn't know his contract is on the line. Fucking. Next time?!

Logan feels like he's trying to swim with his hands tied behind his back, desperately trying to make it to shore. Nobody cares he's drowning.

He can barely look up during the debrief, feels like he's choking the whole time on the words nobody is saying. As soon as he's free, he escapes, fumbling for his phone as usual. Only this time, he doesn't call his mom.

Are you free?

Max has his motorhome this weekend, and Logan doesn't wait for an answer before heading over. If he doesn't answer, he'll just take a walk.

Yes come over

He's knocking on Max's door before he can rethink it, before all these feelings catch up on him and he decides he's going to break down alone instead. When Max opens his door, Logan immediately regrets it. He's wearing a black t-shirt, hair styled, looking ready to go out. Of course he's heading out, he has a win to celebrate. Unlike Logan. Who should have just gone home.

He opens his mouth, ready to apologize and turn around, when Max's hand closes on his shoulder, his mouth downturned with what would be worry, if it wasn't absurd for Max Verstappen to be worried about him.

"Come in," Max says, doesn't leave space for arguments when he pulls Logan inside, closing the door behind him.

For a long moment they just look at each other, as Logan's waves lap at his neck. He doesn't know why he's here anymore.

"Are you okay?" Max's hand is still on his shoulder. Logan feels like he'll keel over if he takes it back.

"I might be out of a seat."

It's not an answer to Max's question, it's not even what Logan meant to say, it's not something he should be telling to the competition, but really. Logan is barely Max's competition at all, and who wouldn't know that after this season's disaster? Nobody is counting on him to race next year.

He waits for Max to say something, even if it's just empty platitudes, but the other just squeezes his shoulder and nods, and suddenly it's much harder to hold back his tears.

"I just..." he breathes in, willing his voice to not crack, "I don't know what I am doing wrong."

It comes out more desperate than he meant it to, but he's just so tired and upset, and nobody is seeing him drown. Why is nobody paying attention?

"You have a shit car, get bad strategy calls, and have a teammate with years more of experience. You are not the one doing it wrong."

Max says it so matter of fact, as if he's the one driving the shit car, the one with the better teammate, the one having to fight through the back of the field with no success, and suddenly Logan is angry. He shrugs Max's hand away, fists clenching. What does Max know about being the second driver in a bad team? How dares he say he knows Logan's hunger?

"Fuck off," he spits, wrapping his arms around himself to hide the way his hands are trembling. He shouldn't have come.

"You have potential, you are not doing it wrong," Max says again, stubborn and bull-headed as always, jaw set and eyes clear. Logan's anger spikes again. Max Verstappen, the prodigy child, talking to him about wasted potential? This must be a joke. He scoffs, ready to turn around and leave, but Max grabs him again, gets a hold on his elbow and keeps him where he is.

"Why are you angry?" he asks. And yeah, this must be a joke, for sure. Why is Logan angry? Why is he angry?!

"You don't get to..." he starts, but Max interrupts him, squeezing his elbow.

"No. Why are you angry?"

"The team..."

Max takes a step closer, narrowing his eyes.

"Not the team, I do not care about the team. Why are you angry?"

As if there was a right answer to the question that Logan isn't getting! It's his own anger! And Max doesn't care about the team? Of course he doesn't, it's not his team fucking up! Why can't Logan be angry about the team?!

"Alex gets..."

"No. Why are you angry?" Max interrupts again, steadfast in a way that grates on Logan's nerves.

They're too close now, and for a second Logan entertains the idea of punching three times world Champion Max Verstappen. Anger burns in his chest, and suddenly, without knowing who closed the gap, they're kissing. It's not a nice kiss, all teeth and spit, and it almost feels the same as the punch he hasn't thrown, until Max moves his hand from his elbow to his waist, the other one coming up to cup the back of his neck, turning his head slightly. Gentling him.

His anger is back in his lungs, but it's no longer anger, it's back to salt water, and Logan is drowning again. He breaks the kiss, gasping, but Max doesn't let him go.

Logan doesn't remember the last time someone held him like this, like being here matters.

"Why are you angry?" Max asks again, breath soft against Logan's bitten lips. He smells vaguely like minty toothpaste.

"Because..." he hesitates, but at this point he might as feel say fuck it, and give it all. All his fleshy insides in Max's hands, bleeding on the floor between them. "Because I could do better, but I can't do it like this."

This time Max nods. "You could do better."

And Logan knows his parents and friends have said it before, have kept saying it for years. Knows his time in Formula 2 speaks for itself. But it's different, to have Max say it like that, so surely. It's a different kind of validation, and a different kind of heartbreak, because they both know his time to prove it is running out. It's hard to breathe again.

"It is good to be angry. It makes you want to take it," Max says, maybe mistaking the way his breathing has gone funny. But Logan doesn't feel angry anymore. He's tired, and scared, and lonely. He drops his head on Max's shoulder, who moves to card his fingers in his hair, bearing his weight with ease. Logan wishes anything would come easy to him instead.

"I don't know how to be angry," Logan confesses. He doesn't want to say it, doesn't want to disappoint Max, but he disappoints better than he lies anyway. What's one more person.

"That is of course still okay," Max says, instead of some sort of rebuke Logan is expecting. For a second, he thinks about the stories of Max's childhood, of angry men and steel hands. Max's fingers are gentle in his hair.

"What do you want right now?"

It's too big of a question. Logan wants his seat to be safe, he wants to end in the points, he wants a good car, he wants to not feel so distant from everyone else, he wants to go home. He wants someone to tell him it will be alright and mean it.

He shakes his head, forehead dragging against Max's t-shirt. Disappointing again.

Max holds his hair a little tighter, uses the grip to pull Logan up, to make him open his eyes.

"What do you need?"

And it's the same, but it is different, and Logan needs...he needs...

"You can take it. What you need." Max sounds so sure of it, Logan can almost believe it. Maybe Logan doesn't know how to take, doesn't know how to fix it, but here, now, he at least knows what he needs.

"I need to be better," he says, words bleeding out from his split-open chest. "I need to be good."

They both know what Logan means, because the thing with Max is, that it's always about racing, even when it isn't, and it is also always both at the same time.

Max nods, letting go of his hair, and Logan pushes him around, back against the door. Gentle, because he needs to be, but firm, because he wants this.

He eases himself to his knees, and feels Max's hand cup his cheek. His raspy voice isn't disappointed, or pitying, or even sad when he speaks, only fond. A little proud.

"Good boy."

[lab-gr0wn-lambs]

[tenrose]

I hate living in this world.