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seventh-fantasy · 6 months

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li xiangyi, yin, and femininity

we all know that li xiangyi is a character of fractured identities. and li lianhua is an unreliable narrator to his own story. these make him not the most straightforward character to study. but I've believed in treating li lianhua as a part of li xiangyi, rather than separates. and there must be a common thread that ties all of him together. thus, I offer what I have found to be the most useful lens to use to view him as a cohesive whole, regardless as li xiangyi, li lianhua, or any other identity he may reinvent into: his 阴 yin qualities. (yin of yinyang)

this framework suggested by the drama's text itself has helped clarify to me his strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and struggles. by identifying this constant, too, makes it so much easier talking about what has changed in him.

[to the, hopefully growing, boli lhl hivemind @markiafc @ananeiah]

there are some notes on the concept of yinyang and chinese conceptualisation of gender I have to preface with.

[disclaimer: of course, I'm not even trying to cover a tip of what experts have extensively studied and debated in a depth it deserves. all I'm doing is try to parse the broad, fundamental ideas that are needed to explain my blorbos through my own spotty brain filter. so there bound to be nuances I've overlooked or some degree of my own interpretation. pretentious but needs to be done.]

阴 yin and 阳 yang are concepts characterised by passiveness, darkness, gentleness, femininity etc, and proactivity, light, toughness, masculinity etc respectively. a very key and handy concept to have in mind is their relationship to each other - which I'll not attempt at explaining better than literal scholars have:

Yin and yang exist only in relation to one another internally as the way warmth-coldness only exist relative to one another. Furthermore, when using yin-yang as an organizational schema, achieving balancing harmony is always the goal, not domination nor subordination of one to the other. [x]

while yin and yang can be symbols of femininity and masculinity, it doesn't mean all female are yin and all male are yang. it's certainly not a strict 1-to-1 equation. the concept of gender in chinese context is more social than biological. this suggests room for fluidity, and shaping of identities, often through social rituals as one journeys through life. it also means that there can be femininity in the masculine, and vice versa - in fact, that's only healthy because you need a good balance of the two worlds. no one part is better than the other. if you think of the two components as relative to each other, they are always interacting and affecting each other, rather than being strict and inert binaries. simply put, it needs to be kept in mind that there are greater nuances in applying yin and yang to the definitions of gender, and to avoid at all cost a simplification of this framework into a binary.

sure, the show has implied that lxy's powers and energy are yin-coded. but femininity is only one of the multiple attributes of yin. so how are we extending lxy's yin to femininity specifically? it's in the text that substantiates and qualifies lxy as feminine. dead women being used as proxies to his character. being literally dressed as a woman in order to put himself into their shoes and feel what they've felt. adopting a name that happens to be very, very feminine - 莲花 lianhua (lit. lotus flower) (it must be caveated that chinese names are NOT gendered. but there are just some names that are more feminine than others.) him coming to lead a life revolving around traditionally feminine, domestic things as li lianhua. him having interactions with the women around him like he's in his own element - no pressure and tension at all, unlike with all the other men.

as such, I'm more willing to use yin and femininity interchangeably in discussing lxy (while it's not necessarily applicable to every point that will be mentioned albeit there being some degree of implied association). and it's for the sake of elucidating what I feel is an intention or very plausible reading of the canon text in parsing feminine experiences in lxy's character. and thus, his queerness.

one last note is that taoism is going be mentioned quite a bit as well because of how much it as a philosophy honours the yin quality. its key tenets include valuing passiveness and inaction as a form of action, and submitting to the nature of things. and we will see how those come up in lxy's life too. (though I'm not gonna attempt to deep dive into it here beyond broad strokes of it.)

a huge part of li xiangyi's yin actually manifests in him being a passive person. this applies not just to li lianhua, but also li xiangyi. I know. ok wait hear me out. the idea of yinyang is after all components that can change and are relational to each other: thus, there were points in li xiangyi's life when he was less passive than other points, but they ultimately don't match up to the degree of aggression displayed by other men around him. so relative to their display of proactivity and aggression, he can be considered as passive. the best example is that of shan gudao proposing to launch an offensive on jinyuan alliance, while lxy - as much as he was arrogant about it - was standing his ground on not taking action in favour of peace.

it has already showed up in his childhood as well. he wasn't a particularly competitive child: 从来都没有谁要和你争 nobody has ever thought of competing with you over anything, he told sgd as he recalled of their times growing up. it was in fact sgd who was desperate to control and override lxy's presence. baby lxy did not hesitate at all over giving up on winning in favour of protecting his only rare few close relationships left in the world (given how hard-earned relationships are when they're non-familial !!!!). as much as I resent the one-dimensional writing of sgd, he has served as a very strong marker to highlight on lxy's yin.

I've harped on it several times before but this is the time I finally get to explain it proper: my own theory is that li xiangyi became an unparalleled swordsmaster because of his yin/feminine quality, not in spite of it. an interesting point that had been out in the open unclaimed until it was brought up in our friend group is that, li xiangyi does not actually fit anybody's conventional image of a 武林盟主 wulin mengzhu (ie. ruler of wulin). it would most likely have been some burly, muscular, ultra-masculine dude. even if they don't look like the demonic monk, it should be someone more like di feisheng. but. it's li xiangyi, the boyish, delicate-looking kid, who came to the top. (no wonder people - mostly men - love or love to bully hate him like weak men hate powerful women??)

"why didn't they cast someone who looks more like a wulin mengzhu (read: traditionally manly)?" no, no that's precisely the point. nobody said wulin mengzhu have to look manly. and also who is to define the manliness required to be in a place of authority? (or in my other meta, we would ask, who is to define anybody gets to have the authority over anyone else at all?)

by taoist ideal, gentleness is the most refined form of strength. li xiangyi has been haunting and distracting me in my chinese calligraphy practices lately because I'm thinking about how this must be the closest to what it felt like lxy becoming the best swordsman in jianghu. (so pretentiously brainrotten of me, I know, BUT IT'S REAL and I'm suffering.) mastering a chinese art is essentially about mastering a delicate balance between force and gentleness; being able to draw force from softness 柔中带刚 and an ability to maintain this balance. a beginner will instinctively hold a brush for the first time with brute, unrefined force. some fairly reputable contemporary calligraphers, according to my teacher, can be seen as being either too soft or too forceful - but are still able to pass off as good enough. it's then, the master of masters who will have the sophistication of a firm yet flexible control of the brush with the appropriate use of gentleness/laxness that produces a harmony of strokes. this idea extends to any other sort of chinese craft or practice including traditional chinese medicine, and I believe, swordsmanship too. I'm taking a fucking leap of faith here to say this because I practise NO sort of (chinese) martial arts, I must caveat. (someone who does may want to say something...) but theoretically that should be how it works.

it is not for no rhyme or reason, or *handwaves* that lxy emerged to the top AND is almost undefeatable. among a competitive, forceful (ie. yang) wulin, li xiangyi stood out with a power and energy defined by yin (ie. gentleness and stability) that led him to create his signature 扬州慢 yangzhouman. it is characterised by 慢 slowness (my calligraphy teacher says to us all the time to take it slow), and also described by dfs as 中正绵长 - which I would best describe by painting a picture of a steady and stable stream. these precisely speak of the essence of a mastery of gentleness as strength to me.

conversely, dfs's way in mastering power is very largely premised on taking action because he literally had no other choice in the environment he grew up in. both of them develop in opposite ways. it was the case of gentleness for lxy clearly because he grew up in a safe, nurturing environment that had allowed him to be slow and steady at his own pace, drawing on his natural gifts.

now top of the wulin world at 17, li xiangyi founds sigu sect. li xiangyi, the boy before becoming menzhu and li xiangyi the leader of sigu sect are not the same.

how then did a (relatively) passive boy like lxy end up founding sigu sect. this lxy is the one who was fostered into competition - though not in an abusive, twisted way. in fact he was raised in a rather taoist way by his shifu: to be honest with yourself and respect your opponent. so he honoured whatever powers he had been bestowed with by nature. he gives into it. even so, at another level, I just have a sense that shifu and shiniang's competitive marital spat had an insidious effect on the boys...though the detrimental effect was more on sgd than lxy. baby lxy feels like a sweet-natured kid who was just in his own zone, you know - some (aka sgd) would say, too much of him even, to have not realised what was wrong at all with his shixiong for years.

that's not all of course. I've always gotten the vibes that his attitude behind forming sigu sect felt more like, this is what all the good men of jianghu do and I will have to do it now especially that I'm the best. it didn't feel particularly personal to me, but rather what would have been expected of him by the social climate of wulin jianghu (eg. lxy saying to 光耀师门 bring honour to his teacher). it's definitely not an expectation from his shifu, who explicitly told him that he was never expected to become a noble figure of any sort, but just to be alive and contented. as concluded by the man himself as li lianhua: "有些人入了江湖是为了立心，而有的人入江湖为的是立命。我却不知道自己真正想要的是什么。some people enter jianghu for the cultivation of the mind, others for a cultivation of a meaningful life. but I never knew what I truly wanted." he was ultimately, unwittingly a passive player in his own story of becoming the great sigu sect leader.

(at this point, as a side note, I do wonder if there were any other similar sects or alliances that function the same as sigu sect that came before it. because I'm damn well sure there must be something, as likely as there must have been generations of wulin legends who came before lxy. but of course, this is not what the story is concerned with at all and I'm ok with that.)

it's crucial to point out that, even despite this being the phase of his yang in the display of taking action and enacting firmness, lxy had still done sigu sect with the sole purpose and manner of upkeeping peace and order (in the way of the pro-universal love, anti-aggression mohist 侠 xia leader of the people). he's still very characterised by yin in my books, especially when vis-à-vis to sgd.

a li xiangyi full of himself and made himself too useful to the people was only bound for a great asteroidal fall, in the concept of 物极必反 - or in taoist lexicon 反者道之动 (ie. anything that has reached its limit will only start developing in the opposite direction). if you think you're above all, you can only go down.

this manifests during the next time he took action - and it was one so forceful that it overpowered even his opponent, dfs who ended up being the passive, receiving party in this case - was in initiating the battle at donghai 10 years ago... and gee oh boy. it didn't end well - for both of them, but even more so for lxy. (dfs was like 'tis but a scratch (shrugs)' as compared to him being ripped off his tendons by jiao liqiao like nezha did to the dragon prince. truth is he had to go into a 10-year healing retreat served by his entourage. :p) ok, I digress.

xiao zijin was quick to attribute sigu sect's fall to lxy's arrogance - in turn setting the stage for lxy's 10 years of self-hatred and the framing of lxy as a villain? irresponsible figure? by jianghu. (god forbid girls do anything! ok for legal reasons, this a joke.) lxy lost his mind in ways I believe he never had in his life there and then upon seeing his shixiong dead. so, you could say he led the jianghu world to ruins out of love (using this term loosely). but it feels inaccurate to say it's due to arrogance. he did not do that out of self-importance or ego, especially when the revenge for sgd was a collective decision made by sigu sect as we know from the flashback. so when llh pinned all fault on himself for being arrogant in the past, it is with caution to take his words because that's the unreliable narrator in him speaking.

anyway, it's precisely li xiangyi that is capable of bouncing back from such a fatal crisis, equipped with his yin and a mastery that gave him the power of flexibility.

it's extremely vital to re-establish that literally the only thing that was keeping li xiangyi alive, physically, as li lianhua is yangzhouman. (monk wuliao literally said that to lxy even though he did facilitate in saving him.) it's the yangzhouman that was drawn from lxy's mastery of yin. without yangzhouman, li xiangyi would not even have the chance to become li lianhua and undergo any needed process of transformation. without li xiangyi, there would have been no yangzhouman. no li xiangyi, no li lianhua, get it?

the point is not to deny the change li xiangyi wants to make and has made. but to acknowledge that change isn't about complete erasure and destruction. something from you survives. something in you had kept you alive to have you come so far, regardless of all the bad bits that you want to denounce of. you've always been worth it.

bringing back the thing about his new name: the distinction must be made that he did not pick it because it was feminine but it just so happened a feminine name had resonated with him. (read: he didn't necessarily identify as a woman but identified with femininity. at least within the parameters of canon text.)

he also made an interesting choice to retain his surname for someone who was desperate to sever ties from his past. hmm. or maybe he wasn't that desperate? when li lianhua says li xiangyi is dead, I believe it meant that li xiangyi the sigumen menzhu is dead rather than li xiangyi as an entirety. li lianhua is a returning to the path lxy could have gone if he did not establish sigu sect, the path that shifu wanted him to take. when he walked to the doors of sigu sect in the aftermath, nothing was actually stopping him from going back (people were still around and alive, instead of all dead people, you know)... except for himself. taking that action would have been too much for him. so he went with the flow of life giving him a chance at rebirth and walked away. there, inaction as a form of action.

zhan yunfei and qiao wanmian have said to li lianhua, oh that doesn't sound like li xiangyi at all. but has it been considered that, maybe it was sigu sect's lxy who wasn't the real lxy? sigu sect lxy was one big performance of the values of masculinity and heteronormativity that llh had came to an awareness of, and eventually struggle with again and resist against in the final year of his life. there had only been some glimpses of his true nature allowed (validated by fang duobing talking about lxy at his altar).

imho, most flashbacks of lxy during that period felt impersonal and more like a template of a hero expected to marry his girl at 18. going through all the motions and steps of a normative life even before he was old enough to grasp and explore his own identity and what it meant in the world. no wonder he denounced so much of what he had done as lxy including liking girls. walking away then also meant a walk away from those duties and expectations. li lianhua is li xiangyi liberated from masculine duties and heteronormative performance.

in doing that, he had the opportunity for the first time in his life to explore what he truly wanted, at least within the parameters of what he could afford to do at that point. he could go on to build a domestic, feminine life within the space of jianghu (as I've established here). it's a kind of feminine lifestyle that doesn't quite exist in mainstream society - being a woman there meant to stay put in a domestic space without much room to move socially. nor did it exist in wulin jianghu because even the women there like shi-guniang and jlq were expected to be masculine, aggressive, competitive. so building a mobile home in the space of jianghu is his way of defining the life he wants and can have. li lianhua is the extension of femininity in li xiangyi - and one that can be free.

it's also worth talking about in my opinion what is one of the most important and a favourite dihua moment: when dfs said to lxy that his greatest weakness was to like being a hero. and a swordsman should be without weaknesses. I'm forever wrapped up in how many layers this can be read in. was he mad at lxy for liking to be a hero or having weaknesses, or both? if the former, it was dfs criticising, based on lxy's public reputation, lxy's oversized illusions about being a hero - a figure of masculinity with an unrealistic sense to uphold noble goals eg. saving the world etc. that is actually perfectly logical coming from dfs, the straightforward, no-nonsense, morally neutral guy with no illusions about heroism (in this case, he feels more like a yin). but at the same time, we should understand that lxy's motivations behind the donghai battle are more personal than noble. if any, it was actually the opposite of noble - it was like he was acting out of the role of a caretaker of his family, and at a cost of the peace and order of jianghu he was set on guarding(!!) dfs also knew that lxy was there just for his shixiong. and so, dfs, who happens to be the epitome of yang, can be read as a symbol of masculinity disapproving of lxy for being sentimental and emotional; for having the "feminine" desires to simply want to defend his family (not saying those are exclusively feminine traits but they have been conventionally associated as feminine). I think both layers of reading are correct and should work together to contribute to the complexity of their characters. (we can see how it contributes to lxy and dfs being the perfect yinyang halves to each other, which I will come back to briefly touch on later.)

for 10 years he lived a life of seclusion and staying-in-his-own-lane a taoist would be proud of. he knew he was dying and has always been ok with dying, as he claimed. but did he want to die? to think of it, it was the opposite. because in those 10 years when he could have 100% just taken action to take his own life, he didn't. in fact, he lived on and took care of himself in the way shifu wanted him to. he had simply preferred letting nature run its course. if bicha didn't take him, he wasn't gonna do anything. but if he died one day very soon, he would be ok with it too. sure, he was maybe banking on a lead to sgd's whereabouts to appear during his last years alive but that clearly wasn't the only thing on his mind for NINE years because he didn't actively go out seeking for that either. this is basically him telling dfs that he would just lie in the sun and wait for the sweet release of death, if dfs were to force him to fight. not even the mortal threat from dfs was enough to move him into action of fighting back or killing himself.

time and again, lxy as llh was dragged into fdb's cases but not only that, he also maintained an impersonal distance with them. it's starkly different from the usual (wuxia) hero archetypes (for eg. fdb) who would be more impassioned and personally invested in the plight of the victims- or unlike most seemingly aloof protagonists who would somehow grow emotionally invested over time. one of the many things I love about llh is that he never tries a second time to persuade people out of their decisions he finds unwise (eg. him just wanting to move on in response to the girls in 女宅 insisting on staying behind with their slave master at first.) he will not interfere in other people's choices made in their own lives. it's not his business. he didn't even want to be there, to be honest.

however as the story progresses, more and more people - especially men, his past, and the leads to the truth came back to demand and taunt him into doing something. they vary from well-meaning people without any harm intended such as fdb intruding upon his private space completely uninvited and qwm wanting him back; to dfs merely seeking him as a mean to an end initially (eg. I only need him to live long enough to have one last fight); and finally, on the other end of the spectrum, outright aggressive and hostile people like sgd and xzj who wanted him to die. under all this pressure, he tried his best to deflect, but he does waver especially when it comes to matters concerning the people he cares about aka his obsession wish of 10 years of looking for sgd's remains that had lied low until fdb entered his life, and then later on taking revenge for his shifu.

looking for sgd became his final bid at taking action. he was operating on a slim chance of getting some emotional closure from finding out his shixiong is dead for real, yes. what a good plan. but objectively unnecessary. or surprise! uhhh...finding out his beloved shixiong is actually alive and would strangle him for one corn chip? AND OH NO IT GOT WORSE- uncovering a devastating truth about his shifu's death that he could have totally gone on with life fine without knowing if he had continued not caring.

but it is sometimes just impossible not to care - it is only human to care. and he is human, not an icon in the image of a hero. so he took a chance, once more, and it killed him in unprecedented ways. it's donghai all over again. things in life don't go as planned. you fuck around and it fucks you back. finding out the truth behind his shifu's death and his family background from the past did nothing for him as li lianhua living in the present.

it's no wonder that this lxy decisively relinquishes the desire to take action in the end. he goes back to letting nature run its course. and this time, stands firmly to it despite everyone begging him otherwise. wangchuan flower could only give him a recovery (or survival?) rate of 30%. there's a 70% chance of failure and even in the 30% he was not sure what he was to become. in comparison, dfs took a 10% chance game of survival in a heartbeat, and it pushed him to new heights. that's how they differ: he thrives by taking risks and action while lxy the other way round. so, something like that has happened before and he wants none of it again.

he leaves lotus tower, only taking his horse and a sack - relinquishing almost every other material belonging he had - and sets off on a journey. before xzj interrupted...where to was he going?? I wonder. we don't know for sure, I think? and are we allowed to know? that makes the scene he had with xzj an understated inflection point in the very last part of his journey. yes, he was already on his way to...maybe die? but not necessarily. you don't have to travel distances with your belongings for that, right? or speak to dfs personally about not wanting to fight? (borrowing one of @ananeiah's takes.) regardless, he was definitely leaving behind jianghu - not only wulin jianghu (he already did that 10 years ago), but also the jianghu space he had carved out in the last 10 years.

what sparked the decision to jump off the cliff in him was dfs's words from the night of their wedding 10th donghai anniversary: 横扫天下容易，断相夷太剑不易 conquering the world is easy, breaking xiangyi sword is not. in the original context, dfs was talking about defeating lxy being harder than conquering the world. but when it came to this scene, it was to lxy about forsaking the very last worldly possessions he had after already giving up on lotus tower and hulijing (including releasing his horse), especially his only connection left to swordsman lxy.

perhaps it had dawned on him that, wanting things at all was bad for him. in the last 10 years, he lived a life of seclusion, wanting very little. but he had still wanted things. there were still things he couldn't let go of that had led him to this state. despite having lived on an identity inspired by a buddhist teaching for 10 years, maybe it was only at this point that he was finally the closest to reaching an understanding of it. (I wish I was knowledgeable enough right now to dive into the possible buddhist reading here but alas. I'll leave it to our resident expert @markiafc)

it doesn't quite matter in the end where he was going after all. what mattered was that he literally went where the water took him and we're not supposed to know where it ends. I'm not seeing this in a bad and pessimistic way though. I think the relief in all this is that he had tried his best to within his abilities. also it's a form of enlightenment in relinquishing a desire, an obsession, a need to take any more action in order to live well. thus his ending felt to me relatively tender, empowering, and kind - albeit bittersweet and heartaching - than other possible kinds of ending, in a story where it was very possible for him to have died under the knives of his opponents or bicha at any moment, outside of his control.

if you've come so far in this post, congratulations! but also a reveal is that... you're not immune to the dihua propaganda threaded throughout this post. :P

as mentioned, other men like sgd and xzj in lxy's life were incredibly hostile to him. their yang nature overwhelmingly powers his yin. but dfs is different. dfs is the yang counterpart that fits perfectly to his yin.

dfs's yang is one that contains yin, that mirrors lxy's balance of yang in yin. it was suggested in text they are yinyang-coded meant to complement each other, given that whenever wangchuan flower's yin vs yang properties were discussed, the two men were always spoken about in the same breath. more importantly, as with the above few analyses of dfs's words playing a big role in shaping of lxy's choices with multiple meanings - as well as their day-to-day interactions - we can see that they constantly play off each other.

dfs's yang energy has been used to help lxy prolong his life (though not saving him entirely), while lxy has used his yin energy to save dfs and subsequently helped him attain his breakthrough. dfs has also helped lxy in his breakthrough of yin but not in the same way as dfs's cultivation of his combative powers, and rather, it's for lxy an understanding of his own path to take in life - a cultivation of the mind (both times 10 years before and after). given how significant dfs is in the shaping of lxy's realisation of the yin path - alike his shifu has, it's no wonder that they were the only two people lxy had imagined in his last sword dance of a farewell to jianghu.

with each of them coming together to form the perfect yin-yang model, they're a harmony of yin and yang representing the cosmos. what I also love is that they didn't start out as a perfect fit, but only towards the end of the story was the harmonisation completed, which makes sense for two components that are always in a flux influencing each other. the fact that they were number 1 and 2 of wulin, and being the only ones capable of understanding each other in a level nobody else could... it all reinforces the cosmic sense of their relationship. they're the halves to a whole, fitting in a specific way nobody else can.

(I mean. technically this is going into the space of extrapolation based on a tangential interpretation of canon text, so do take it with a pinch of salt. but of course this pinch of salt can do wonders for a shipper's feast... :P and this certainly could have been a meta of its own expanding on dfs's side of the analysis, but this is it for now in this context.)

to think of it, li xiangyi has actually died more than that one time that turned him into li lianhua. first was a death of him as a nanyin royalty - I resent having to bring up nanyin like it should hold any weight to the narrative as far as I'm concerned, but the point being that he had a completely different (familial-based) life before that still stands. then he had a rebirth as li xiangyi, disciple and swordsman to his shifu and shiniang, and later died again when li xiangyi the sigu sect leader took over. lxy the sigu sect leader died at sea in the battle 10 years ago and came back as li lianhua. (just like nezha, died after battling at east sea and rebirthed from the lotus) li lianhua then dies by the end of the drama.

there can be a myriad of interpretations as to what exactly happened to him, including the possibility that he's still alive. regardless, we can agree that li lianhua as an identity has ran its course, and he had to evolve again. but into what form?

in the line of thought of yin and femininity, and how his transformation has been in an increasing degree of presentation of femininity - even way back when I was watching the show, I had the idea of him living socially as a woman post-li lianhua. I don't know what he would be realistically doing or what could be practical for him in such an identity. but conceptually it was sensible and compelling to me before diving deeper into the details. (I have more elaboration to do on this that I won't be talking about here publicly but it is in the same strain of idea as this other comparative meta I wrote.)

I think the next possible identity lxy can assume - alive in the material realm or not - is one that will be beyond a material being. a nameless entity. once you've gone through the phases of life - from not knowing to knowing, and perfecting knowledge, then to the surpassing of knowledge - you surpass all worldly existence, and become one with the cosmos.

I end this off with an excerpt from Tao Te Ching's Chapter 41 (I'm not pretending to have read the whole book ok but I couldn't resist including this):

明道若昧，进道若退，夷道若纇 [...] 道隐无名 The bright path seems dim; Going forward seems like retreat; The easy way seems hard [...] The Tao is hidden and without name. (x)

the character translated into "easy" is the same 夷 yi of li xiangyi's name. somehow this seems to encapsulate the journey of his life: one that seems blessed and smooth-sailing but ending up to be rocky and turbulent. but at the end of the day, after all that he had been through, he will become hidden and without name.

#莲花楼 #mysterious lotus casebook #lhl #lhlmeta #my posts #a big win for the inaction fandom. lxy would have been patron saint #this inevitably turned into a 'lhl is a taoist and buddhist story if not a very chinese story' meta hbhjbjhbhjjb #the last thing i do before going to sleep is write this meta. the first thing i do after waking up is write this meta.#i feel so insane writing this. it kept growing like a monster. do you think this is a joke it's like my part-time job now #but it's one of the few times in my life i have confidence in my insanity. so.#crazier thing is. this meta is approaching 6k words yet i still think there must be things i haven't covered.#the last section is so nuts idk how i even wrote it guys i think i was possessed #it's also like the most pretentious way to put that he's dead in this world ok hjbjhbhjbhjbjbh #to be clear iirc the drama didn't say LXY'S POWER/ENERGY IS YIN in the same way it literally said dfs's energy is yang #but it's definitely implied by the explanation of the flower's healing properties for both of them. on top of yangzhouman #also fuck. another reason he didn't choose to save himself was so dfs could have the yang flower which he believed was what dfs wanted #thank u frens mark and ana for indulging my brain in the first time i brought the lxy as woman thing up. for it to have come this far #ofc disclaimer is that a lot of this is my own reading. it doesnt have to be agreed by everyone #i would be very happy though if any part of it resonated with anybody #also a good part of the analysis is based on my memory of the show. though i did revisit parts selectively to verify. sooooo. yeah.

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vilevenom · 2 months

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Let's Be Us Again

Fandom: Dreamworks Trolls

Pairings: Hickory/John Dory

Summary: Hickory was certainly the last troll John Dory thought he'd see after moving to Pop Village. To say it was a shock was a bit of an understatement. But they could pick up where they'd left off before, right?....right? Excerpt:

"John Dory," Hickory breathed, his eyes widening as they landed on John, the smile slipping from his lips.

"Oh! How do you two know each other?" Poppy asked, tilting her head slightly as she looked between the two, a curious smile on her face. Floyd glanced between them and shifted closer to his brother, as if he could tell that John was having a bit of an internal panic.

"That's a-uhm…a bit of a long story," John finally chuckled, his smile crooked as he spoke, "Probably, what? A couple of decades in the making?" Link to the fic on AO3 There's now a sequel! You can find it here or over on AO3

It was a day like any other, in John's humble opinion. The sun was shining, birds were chirping, and Poppy was banging at his door and shouting excitedly about her plans for the day.

Ever since they'd rescued Floyd from Mount Rageous, John Dory had been settled in Rhonda just outside of Pop Village. Poppy had taken this as explicit permission to bug the eldest brother with any and all tasks she felt could either "benefit from his previous experience as a band leader", or something she felt he'd genuinely enjoy. Which honestly, John was more than okay with. The pop queen had certainly grown on him, and he could easily see how she'd gotten his youngest brother wrapped around her finger.

Today, Poppy had requested John's help with some activities for aspiring singers that she'd set up at the community hall. She said she thought he'd be a great inspiration, and maybe he could help with teaching some basics about being in a band. He didn't really know how she figured that, given how he'd caused his own band to break up and not see each other for twenty years, but he supposed her heart was in the right place. She'd also managed to drag Floyd into it as well, so there was also that.

"I'm coming, Poppyseed," John laughed as he pushed open Rhonda's door and stepped into the sunshine. "Someone's impatient."

"Oh, I'm just so excited! The kids are gonna LOVE you guys! I made some of them listen to your old records and they got SO excited," Poppy practically squealed as she bounced on her toes. "I also thought we could stop by the market to grab some breakfast before we head over! There's a trading caravan from Lonesome Flats that rolled into town last night. There might be something new to try!"

John chuckled at Poppy's enthusiasm as he strolled over to Floyd, pulling his brother into a side hug. "Sounds like a plan, Popstar. How're you feeling, Floyd?"

The younger troll had been slowly but surely gaining his energy and health back since being freed from his diamond prison. When he'd first arrived in Pop Village he couldn't even leave Branch's bunker without an escort of at least two of his brothers to ensure they could get him back home if he collapsed. Now he simply needed a walking cane to help him get around, and a break every couple of hours to recoup his energy.

"I'm okay," Floyd sighed, smiling as he touched John's hand on his shoulder, "Feeling a little exhausted already just watching Poppy jump around, but I think today will be good."

John dipped his head in a short nod, giving his brother a friendly little shake before letting him go to strike a pose and point towards the market. "Then let's BRO!"

Poppy snorted at his antics, but skipped ahead of the brothers down the path towards the market, while Floyd rolled his eyes with a fond smile on his face.

Poppy hadn't been kidding about the caravan from Lonesome Flats. The market was practically overrun with country trolls - both those looking to trade or sell their wares, and those looking to bring something "exotic" back home with them. Children, both pop and country, ran amok through the crowd, nearly tripping just about anyone who wanted to move more than a foot through the area.

"Holy smokes!" John crowed as an especially rambunctious duo ran in front of him, causing him to stop fast and pinwheel his arms through the air to ensure he didn't fall over.

"Careful, old man," Floyd teased, poking his brother in the side with the end of his cane, "or you might be needing one of these."

"Shut up," John snorted, shoving Floyd lightly, making the younger troll catch himself with said cane as they both laughed.

"Oh my GOSH!" Poppy suddenly shrieked in front of the two of them, her shout causing a small handful of trolls to turn and look to see what she was yelling about. John and Floyd were among them - Floyd with a look of curiosity on his face, while John looked something like a puffalo caught in a searchlight.

"HICKORY!" Poppy screeched, before running off like a shot through the crowd, dodging around children and adults alike before practically tackling a troll to the ground some ways away from the brothers. The two glanced at each other, Floyd's expression changing from curiosity to one of worry even as John plastered a grin on his face.

"Let's go see who Poppyseed just put into the hospital, yeah?" John Dory said with a bit of a strained laugh, gesturing for Floyd to move ahead of him through the crowd.

Floyd narrowed his eyes at his brother, poking him in the chest before moving forward. "We're gonna talk about how you just looked like you swallowed a sour berry whole later, mister," he sniffed, before shuffling though the crowd, being mindful of his cane and the running children as he maneuvered around the other trolls in the market.

In the meantime, John rubbed absently at the spot Floyd had poked him while a million and one thoughts ran through his head. It couldn't possibly be his Hickory. The last he'd heard, he had gotten into some sort of accident on a mountain top and disappeared. At least, that was the rumor. He hadn't wanted to know anymore than that. He followed after his brother after a moment, bumping into and apologizing to a couple of trolls on his way as his mind wandered.

"-and then we had to fight some giants in order to get his brothers back! We totally hit the perfect family harmony and saved everyone." Poppy was just finishing a high speed ramble as the brothers approached, bouncing excitedly on her toes in front of a county troll with only two legs, his wide cowboy hat covering half his face. John let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. It definitely couldn't be his Hickory, then.

"S'at so? My, that certainly sounds like some adventure. Glad t'hear y'all got everyone back safe and sound. I'd love to meet all of Branch's brothers," the country troll drawled, a low chuckle leaving him as he tipped his cowboy hat back to grin at Poppy. John's breath caught in his throat.

"Well, you're in luck! I happen to have two of them here with me right now," Poppy enthused, turning with a flourish to gesture at the approaching duo. "The one with the magenta hair is Floyd, the one who was captured first and started our whole adventure, and the other is-"

"John Dory," Hickory breathed, his eyes widening as they landed on John, the smile slipping from his lips.

"That's a-uhm…a bit of a long story," John finally chuckled, his smile crooked as he spoke, "Probably, what? A couple of decades in the making?"

Hickory visibly swallowed, letting out an awkward sounding laugh, "Somethin' like that, I s'pose."

"So, you got yourself a county accent, huh? Did you finally find what you were looking for in Lonesome Flats?" John asked, the tension in his chest loosening slightly. At least it was nice to know Hickory hadn't died. And, sure, perhaps they hadn't parted on the best of terms, but he couldn't exactly blame Hickory for leaving the way he had.

"Mm, not exactly," Hickory shrugged, tugging at his vest. "but I s'pose sort of somethin' to that effect. I mean…M'not a bounty hunter anymore, if that's what yer askin'."

John nodded slightly, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. It was like the tension slowly bled from his body as his shoulders loosened and a genuine smile curled his lips. He'd always worried that if he ever saw Hickory again that he would either be filled with dread, anger or unending sadness. But, in reality, he just felt a wave of relief that the other was okay and seemed to be doing well. "I'm…I'm really happy to see you, Hick."

The country troll blinked, surprise blatant on his face at John Dory's confession. Poppy rocked on her heels as the two older trolls looked at each other, obviously lost in their own little world. Floyd shuffled closer to her, biting at his lower lip as he watched the cavalcade of emotions wash over his brothers face.

"Uh, well," Poppy coughed, breaking the moment and causing all eyes to land on her, "It was super nice to see you Hickory. I heard the caravan will be in town for, like, a week? We'll catch up later! We're gonna have a big party to welcome you guys tomorrow, so I'll see you then! Right now we were actually just heading to grab breakfast before going over to the community center." She gestured over her shoulder towards the other side of town.

"Oh. Alright then, miss Poppy. I'll see you tomorrow," Hickory said, his charming smile coming back as he swept his hat off to bow slightly to the Queen of Pop. Poppy simply giggled and waved a hand at him as she rolled her eyes. Floyd wrinkled his nose at the gestured, still not quite sure how he felt about this troll from his brothers past.

"It was nice to see you, Hickory," John began, taking a step to follow Poppy and Floyd, before the pink troll shoved him back to where he'd been standing, a grin on her face.

"No, no! You two obviously haven't seen each other in a while! You should stay here and catch up," Poppy chirped, patting John on the shoulder before spinning away from him. "The kids'll understand if we postpone for a few days. Plus! I'm sure most of them will want to come see what the traders brought from Lonesome Flats. They'll probably be too distracted to pay much attention to anything else." She flashed John a grin over her shoulder as she manhandled Floyd into walking next to her, the magenta haired troll squawking indignantly as he was all but pushed away. "We'll go let them know, and we'll see you later! Enjoy yourselves!" She waved at them as she hustled Floyd away.

"Poppy!" Floyd grunted, trying and failing to dig his heels in as the Queen pushed him along. "What're you doing?! John looked so upset when he saw that troll! I can't just leave him like that!"

"We're not going to leave them."

"What? But you just said-"

"Yes. We're going to go to the community center to tell the kids that we're postponing the class, but then we're going back to spy on those two. You think I'm not also curious about how they reacted to each other?! For all that is trolly, Floyd, it looked like Hickory was about to faint when he saw John Dory. I need to know what that's all about."

Floyd let out a breathy laugh as he began walking on his own at Poppy's admission of curiosity and concern. He should've known better than to question her.

Meanwhile, John was staring after the two of them somewhat forlornly. Sure, he was happy to see Hickory, but being suddenly left alone with him? This was, perhaps, a bit much for his heart to handle at the moment.

"Uhh," John said unhelpfully as he turned back to Hickory, who looked equally as confused and unsettled as John felt. "Should we…go get breakfast?"

Hickory blinked at him before an easy grin split his face and he settled his cowboy hat back on his head and swept his arm out towards the market at large. "After you."

John snorted and rolled his eyes before gesturing for Hickory to follow him through the bustling market. He lead them to the opposite end of the market, where there were fewer trolls roaming around, and no caravan tents set up. There, a small bakery stand sat, where John ordered a couple of muffins and some coffee for the two of them.

"Thanks," Hickory hummed as the two of them sat at a small table off to the side of the stand, pulling his hat off and setting it to the side before picking up his coffee cup to inhale the aroma.

"No problem," John said with a shrug, picking at the muffin he had sat in front of himself. "So, uh…Lonesome Flats, huh? What made you settle down there?"

"Just gettin' right to it, huh?" Hickory chuckled, glancing up at John through his eye lashes. "It's a bit of a long story, though I s'pose we've got time t'spare. Also, just to clear one thing up right quick, I've lived there for 'bout a year, but can't really say I'm much settled there."

"But you're settled enough to have picked up their accent?" John prodded, Hickory wincing slightly at the comment.

"You know that's just part of blending in, mein freund," Hickory sighed, slipping into his natural accent easily.

"Ah, there it is," John snorted derisively, shaking his head as he popped a bit of muffin into his mouth, "who're you going after this time? Better be a real scum bag or I'm going to have to tell Poppy what you're up to."

"I already told you, I'm not a bounty hunter anymore," Hickory stated, shaking his head slightly, his ears lowering slightly as he watched John pick at his muffin. "Poppy and Branch helped me get out of that life. I don't think even Dickory is doing it anymore."

John paused in the destruction of his breakfast, looking up at Hickory with a light frown. "But your brother-"

"Said it was the only thing the two of us were good for. Ja, I know," Hickory shrugged, blowing hair out of his face. "But after the whole Rock Apocalypse thing, I just-" Hickory cut himself off as he took a deep breath and glanced up at the trees and sky above them. "Queen Poppy was the bounty. We were meant to bring her and the pop string to Queen Barb, in order to secure a safe place for the yodelers to keep their music. Dickory and I established ourselves in Lonesome Flats and spread a story about getting lost in an avalanche in the mountains so that no one would look for us. But, when we finally found Poppy and Branch…She was different from what I expected." He turned his gaze back to John Dory and smiled warmly. "We grew up hearing all these horror stories about Pop trolls stealing everyone's music, du weisst? But all she wanted to do was help everyone live in harmony. She wanted everyone to be able to enjoy each others music. And I- Well, it reminded me of you. And how, when we were younger, you said you wanted to travel and experience everything you possibly could. I wanted that. I wanted that for everyone. Not just the yodelers." He rolled his shoulders and took a sip of his coffee, his voice shifting back into the country drawl John had heard when they'd first come across Hickory in the market, "So, I tried to help miss Poppy get away from Barb with the Pop string. But Dickory-" he rolled his eyes and glared off to the side, "He blew our cover."

John sat enraptured by Hickory's story, unconsciously resting his cheek in the palm of his hand and leaning forward. He blinked as Hickory paused, wrinkling his nose. "How'd he blow your cover?"

Hickory's cheeks suddenly grew dark as he ducked his head and let out a nervous chuckle. "Well, y'know, country trolls usually have four legs? And my brother and I, we most defintely don't?"

John frowned, sitting back in his chair. "Yeah? What does that have to do with-" he froze, a slow realization dawning on his face, before he let out a sudden bark of laughter. "Oh my troll! Did you two make a freaking costume?!"

Hickory hummed abashedly and rubbed at his neck. "Yessir. Dickory may have been the back end o' the horse," he muttered as he cringed, grinning crookedly at John, "he heard me tryin' to warn Poppy to run and, well, he ripped the costume apart."

John couldn't stop the peels of laughter that left him at the mental image of Dickory angrily ripping himself out of the back end of a pair of pants, slapping the table and nearly knocking their coffees over. "Hooooboy, that is PRICELSS!" He hiccupped as his laughter subsided after a moment, wiping at his watery eyes. "He must've been so pissed at you."

"Bit of an understatement, I'm afraid," Hickory shrugged, "After miss Poppy saved everyone, I pretty much told Dickory off an' moved to Lonesome Flats."

"And he just let you go?"

"I threatened to sick Poppy on 'im if he tried to pull me back into huntin'. She knows about it, too, so if I suddenly disappear from Lonesome Flats or she gets wind that somethin' happened to me, she promised to come find me. She's sweet like that."

John nodded, an easy smile on his face. "Yeah, she is. I'm really glad Branch has her in his life."

"I'm still tryin' to wrap my head around the fact that he's your brother! You talked about your brothers a bit, but what a small world we seem to live in," Hickory chuckled. "I'm also kinda surprised you even wanted to talk t'me, if I'm bein' honest."

John blinked at the sudden shift in tone from the other, leaning back in his seat a bit and wrapping his fingers around his coffee cup. "Well," he sighed, "I wont' lie. I used to imagine running into you a lot, after you first left. At first I was really upset, then I just became angry." He scowled down at his coffee. "I imagined so many different scenarios. In most of them I told you off for everything. Sometimes I did something nasty to get back at you. But, when I finally saw you…" He lifted his gaze, his frown slipping into an easy smile, "I was just happy to see that you were alive and seemed to be doing well. I guess that old saying that time heals all wounds really is true."

Hickory stared at John for a minute, his breath catching in his throat. "I'm so sorry, Johnny…"

"Please," John rocked back in his chair, turning away with a rueful grin, while waving a hand through the air, "I don't think I ever really blamed you for leaving. You were young - we both were. And I'm not exactly-" he gestured vaguely at himself, "y'know."

Hickory shook his head adamantly at John Dory, sitting forward to slide his hand across the table and rest it over John's. "Don't ever say that about yerself, darlin'," Hickory crooned, gently squeezing John's fingers, "You are so much more than you give yerself credit for."

John Dory blinked at Hickory, a flush quickly spreading across his face the longer he stared at the other. He cleared his throat after a moment, pulling his hand away from Hickory to cover one of his flaming cheeks, while an embarrassed trill of a laugh escaped him. "Don't say stuff like that, Hick," he said through a strained chuckle, "You're gonna give me ideas.

A grin settled on Hickory's face at John's reaction to his touch, taking the opportunity of the other looking in the opposite direction to slide his chair around the table to sit closer to John. "Oh, yeah? What kinda ideas, darlin'?"

John all but squeaked when he realized how much closer Hickory had gotten to him, his cheeks growing impossibly brighter as he whipped his head around to stare wide eyed at the bounty hunter turned cowboy.

Meanwhile, Poppy and Floyd had returned from their quick trip to the community center, and were both currently crouched inconspicuously behind a bush to watch the two having breakfast.

"I can't hear what they're saying," Poppy whined under her breath, shifting to try and get a better view of the two.

"If we get any closer they'll know we're here," Floyd sighed, shifting to settle more comfortably on his knees. "John has ridiculous hearing, and if Hickory really used to be a bounty hunter, then I can only imagine how quickly he'd be able to tell he was being spied on."

"Yeah, but," Poppy flopped back down next to Floyd, a pout on her lips, "I really want to know what Hickory said to make John Dory blush like that."

"John Dory is blushing?!" Floyd quickly sat up, shoving a branch out of his way to get a better look at the table. He gasped quietly at seeing how bashful his brother looked as Hickory got close to him, his eyes wide at the sight. Even wracking his brain for every memory he had of John, he couldn't think of a time he'd ever seen his brother look so ruffled. That was certainly something. "I don't think I've ever seen John look so…bashful."

"I know! Isn't it cute?!" Poppy squealed quietly at Floyd, grabbing at his shoulder in her enthusiasm. "Wouldn't they be SUCH a cute couple?! Awww," she sighed, letting Floyd go to cup her own cheeks, "They have history, and they look like they get along so well! Ahhhh! We HAVE to get them together!" By the end of her rant Poppy was practically rasping to keep herself from shouting about the couple sat across from them.

Floyd had his doubts, however, about how the two would do as a couple. Especially after the anxiety he could feel radiate off of John Dory when they'd first come across Hickory at the market. "I mean, Hickory definitely knows how to push John's buttons. I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing yet or not."

"What do you mean?"

The two sat back, letting the bush block their view for the time being.

"Well…John tensed up pretty badly when he first saw Hickory. Maybe their history is more complicated than we can appreciate right now. I mean, they do look like they're getting along right now, I can't argue that. But, who knows how long that will last. John's never really been one to give up the reins on a situation, if you forgive the pun. Hickory seems like he might have a bit of a big personality, from what I've seen so far, and I can't imagine that will mesh well with John's, uhm…exuberant tendencies."

Poppy frowned lightly at Floyd, tapping at her chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm…maybe you're right. I guess we should probably just keep an eye on them for now. So we can at least be there if something happens between them. Be it bad," she wiggled her eyebrows at Floyd who let out a fond sigh of exasperation at her, "or good!"

When the two looked back out from behind the bush they both panicked slightly at finding the table where John and Hickory had been abandoned.

"Where'd they go?!"

"Sooo," John drew the word out as he and Hickory wandered through the crowded market place, snapping his fingers and slapping his hands together absently, "What've you been up to since moving to Lonesome Flats?"

Hickory chuckled at John's fidgeting, deciding to take a chance and catch one of John's swinging hands in one of his own. "Well, first I had t'make it up to miss Delta and the other country trolls for trickin' them. But, they were real nice about everythin', after I told 'em about Dickory and how I'd grown up. Got myself a nice little house, and a job workin' at one o' the shops there. Shortly after that, I heard about Poppy startin' talks with all of the troll leaders to work on this idea of a cross kingdom trade route. A way for all different kinds of trolls to experience each others cultures and music. Anyone who wanted to volunteer could represent their home kingdom and travel around. Took a bit a doin', so I think our group's only been at it for a few months? We've gone through Vibe City and Volcano Rock City so far. Pop Village is stop number three." He wiggled three fingers in the air to show the number of stops, grinning as he noted that John's hand was still firmly in his own without any signs of pulling away.

"You finally got your wish to travel wherever you wanted, huh?" John asked, a soft smile on his face. "I'm glad to hear it, Hick. After Pop village, where's your next stop?"

Hickory shrugged, dipping his head slightly to watch their hands as he gently began to swing them back and forth. "I think the caravan is headed up to Symphonyville next. Dunno if I'm really interested in headin' into the mountains, though, if I'm bein' honest." John gave his hand a little squeeze, causing Hickory to glance up at the other troll shyly. "I might be tempted t'stay in Pop Village for an extended amount of time."

John cleared his throat as he noticed the look on Hickory's face, finally pulling his hand away to tuck it into the pocket of his vest. Hickory's face fell as John hunched his shoulders slightly, but he accepted the reaction and tucked his own thumbs under his belt. He couldn't expect John to forgive him completely so soon.

"Well, y'know, there's plenty of room here, if you did want to stay," John finally said after a minute or two of silence between the two, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. "Rhonda and I stay just outside the village, near Branch's bunker. There's loads of room out there to expand living areas."

"Rhonda?" Hickory asked, his steps faltering slightly at hearing the name. Did John have a girlfriend? He shifted so they were walking a little further apart, now feeling a bit like an ass for his blatant flirting.

"Yeah! My armadillo bus," John said, his face lighting up as he spoke, grinning widely at Hickory, "I found her not too long after we split up, when I went back to the Neverglade trail. She's super smart, and really sweet. You wanna meet her?"

Hickory let out a breath, a sudden wave of relief washing over him at the knowledge that he hadn't been blatantly stepping on anyone's toes. "Yeah, 'course," he hummed, trotting along next to John as they headed towards the edge of town.

"She's a licker, I'll give you that much warning," John laughed, more bounce in his step as they moved away from the crowds, "She's also been known to try and eat people when she first meets them, but don't worry too much about that. I'm sure she won't try to eat you if you're with me."

A slightly nervous chuckle escaped Hickory as he followed John, starting to wonder if him meeting the bus critter was really that great of an idea. "If you say so, darlin'."

"I do say so," John chirped, snapping his goggles a little to emphasize his point. Hickory snorted quietly at the gesture, endlessly pleased that John had yet to call him out on using the endearment on him yet.

"Here she is!" John crowded loudly as the two stepped into a clearing, the large armadillo bus jumping up excitedly at seeing John. She wagged her tail, causing her whole back end to swing as she bound forward, smacking her entire face into John's chest, causing the troll to loose his breath and stumble backwards with a laugh. "Down girl," he wheezed, patting her face before her attention was caught on Hickory.

The ex bounty hunter froze as she stared him down, her tail freezing as her gaze bore into him. He swallowed thickly, shifting slightly to get ready to run, before Rhonda let out a sudden rumbling roar of a sound and licked Hickory. He gasped as he stumbled back, his hat going flying, as he found himself absolutely coated in glittery slobber.

"Awww, she likes you!" John laughed, patting Rhonda on the side as she purred and flopped herself down next to him.

"Yay?" Hickory shook the slobber off his arms, before wiping at his face, letting out little sounds of disgust as he did so. "I s'pose it's just a good thing she didn't try t'eat me," he all but grumbled, turning to look for where his hat had landed.

"Well, that might still happen. Rhonda's unpredictable like that," John chuckled, making a quick kissy face at the armadillo bus who cooed back at him, before looking back to Hickory. "You wanna shower that off?"

Hickory paused at the offer, blinking in surprise. "You comin' onto me, Johnny?" he teased, winking playfully at John. He knew he must look an absolute sight right now, but the mild flirt still managed to get John's cheeks flaming.

"No! I'm just offering you my shower," John scoffed, rolling his eyes as he rubbed at one of his warm cheeks. "C'mon, you. Rhonda's got a shower inside." He waved for Hickory to follow as he opened Rhonda's door and hopped inside.

"They could be anywhere! Poppy, please. Let's take a break," Floyd huffed, doing his best to keep up with the Queen of Pop, but his energy was quickly flagging. He stopped in the middle of a path in the market, doing his best to catch his breath.

Poppy glanced back at Floyd, suddenly feeling terrible for running the poor troll practically ragged as they ran around the market trying to find where John Dory and Hickory had gone. "Sorry, Floyd," she sighed, moving to support him as they shuffled over to a bench so they could sit down. "I just- well, you said so yourself. Something could go wrong while they're together."

"Hey now, I didn't say something might go wrong. I just think it'd be best to keep an eye on them in case John gets overwhelmed, or he starts a fight," Floyd muttered, stretching his legs out in front of himself as they sat down.

"Exactly. In case something goes wrong," Poppy said as she flopped herself down next to Floyd.

They both jerked slightly when they heard the tell tale sound of Rhonda roaring.

"Ah," Floyd laughed, nodding in the direction of Rhonda's clearing, "There they are."

John hovered outside the door of his small bathroom, wringing the towel he'd dug out between his hands. He could hear Hickory humming to himself in the shower and it sent a thrill down his spine. Maybe this time could be different? He jumped as he heard the water turn off, quickly hooking the towel onto the doorknob and stepping away. "Towel's on the knob for you!" he called through the door before moving to the couch in the larger portion of his living space.

"Thank you kindly, darlin'," Hickory called from the bathroom, the door opening ever so slightly as the country troll pulled the towel inside.

John flushed at the endearment. It's not like he hadn't noticed Hickory using it, it was just…well, it was nice to have someone be immediately kind to him upon reuniting. Perhaps the whole adventure with his brothers and their sour reunions were still lingering on his heart and mind. Just a little.

"That's better," Hickory sighed as he stepped out of the bathroom, pulling John from his thoughts. The towel was draped around his shoulders to catch the water dripping from his hair. Even damp the ends still curled up to defy the pull of gravity. "Nothin' against yer bus, but I'm not the biggest fan o' glitter. It gets in places it really shouldn't be," he said with a light laugh and a shudder, which caused John to startle into laughing as well.

"Yeah. Sorry not sorry," John snorted, waving for Hickory to sit next to him on the couch.

Once Hickory sat the two stewed in silence for a minute. John stared off at the board of Brozone pictures Branch had put together that he hadn't yet had the heart to dismantle, while Hickory fidgeted with his fingers.

"I missed you," Hickory finally breathed, breaking the silence and swallowing thickly after the admission.

John blinked, turning to face Hickory with a genuine look of surprise on his face.

"What? How's that surprisin'?" Hickory asked, a crooked smirk on his lips.

"If you knew my track record, it really wouldn't be so surprising that I'm surprised," John snorted derisively, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know if you remember, but I broke up my brothers band before I started traveling. We did not part ways on good terms. And none of them were exactly pleased to see me when we met up again."

"A'course I remember," Hickory murmured, shifting so he was sat a bit closer to John, their thighs touching, "I'm sorry to hear that you didn't have the best a' reunions with 'em. But, from what Poppy told me, and the fact that yer still here, I assume thing's've gotten a bit better? Weren't you with one o' yer brothers when we met at the market?"

"Yeah. That was Floyd. He's the only one who didn't really seem to hold a grudge over everything. But, he's also sort of dependent on me and Branch right now, still. He got hurt pretty bad when he was captured. So, y'know, I don't really know if that's actual forgiveness, or just playing nice while he needs help," John said with a self depreciating laugh. He shrugged, turning a wobbly smile on Hickory, "So, yeah. It's a bit surprising that someone who walked out on me would miss me."

Hickory shifted back as if he'd been hit, biting his lip as he looked to his knees. "You know why I had t'leave, John," he breathed, twisting his fingers into the damp towel around his neck.

"Yeah. Still doesn't change the fact that it hurt."

Hickory nodded, letting out a breath. "Can we…can we try to start again? Believe it or not, Johnny, but ya mean a whole lot t'me. I'd really like it if we could-" he cut himself off with a startled gasp as arms suddenly wrapped around him, squeezing him in a hug.

"Of course," John breathed into Hickory's hair, "I missed you, too. Of course we can start over."

A warm smile bloomed on Hickory's face as he turned to nudge his nose against John's temple, chuckling quietly at the odd angle the other had pulled him into a hug at. "Thank you," he murmured, lifting an arm to awkwardly half return the hug, since the other was currently pinned to his side.

"Well, there's Rhonda," Floyd sighed, frowning as he looked around the clearing, where there was no sign of John or Hickory.

Poppy huffed, frowning as she skipped a little ahead of Floyd to peer around the clearing, but doing her best not to alert Rhonda of their presence. She had seemingly fallen asleep since they'd heard her roar. "Where did they go now," Poppy whined, tossing her head and arms back in exasperation.

"I don't-oh!" Floyd began, before grabbing Poppy and dragging her into some tall grass as Rhonda's door swung open. They watched as John hopped down from the bus critter, holding his hand up to take Hickory's as he descended from the bus as well. They seemed to be in a quiet conversation, smiling and laughing as they exited the bus and began to walk down a trail that lead further into the forest.

"C'mon!" Poppy chirped, her energy renewed as she tugged Floyd along by his wrist.

"Yeah, so after we rescued Floyd, I decided to stick around Pop Village. As much as I love traveling, getting to know my brothers is also pretty important to me. I missed out on so much, y'know?"

Hickory nodded as he listened to John, a fond little smile on his face as they meandered down the forest trail. He'd truly missed getting to hear John Dory's stories. Well, just him talking in general, really. He knew John liked to talk, but he liked it even better when someone genuinely listened to him, and that was probably one of Hickory's favorite things to do.

"So, you think yer gonna settle down here in Pop Village? Or just stay until Floyd can get along without a cane?"

John clicked his tongue and shrugged as he climbed up onto a fallen branch. He held his arms out as he began to walk along it like a tight rope, wobbling a little as it rocked slightly beneath his feet.

"Depends on how long it takes for Branch to get sick of me, I guess," he said with a derisive little laugh, causing Hickory to frown.

"What'd I say about talkin' about yerself like that?" Hickory scolded, shoving the branch slightly to make John stumble and catch himself.

"Hey!" John clung to a small twig as the base of the branch wobbled beneath his feet. "Trying to kill me?!"

"No. Just tryin' to redirect your stupid self depreciatin' bullshit," Hickory said with a thin grin. "Yer brothers love you."

"You say that-"

"I do!" Hickory cut him off, shoving the branch again, causing John to cuss him out as he stumbled to catch himself again. "I still love Dickory, even though he dragged me over hells half acre to hunt down trolls for plenty of not so savory folks. I still love 'im, even though if I were t'see his stupid face any time soon I'd punch him in the teeth! Yer brothers love you, Johnny, and they're probably more than happy to have you around, whether ya want t'believe it or not."

John snorted above him, but relented. "I guess you've got a point," he muttered, laughing as Hickory responded with a quiet, "a'course I do." He shook his head slightly, rolling his eyes with a grin and most certainly not paying attention to his feet and where he was walking. Because, if he had, then he would've noticed the patch of lichen growing on the fallen branch. He gasped as his foot slipped, nothing nearby for him to grab onto to keep himself from falling. He braced for the impact of the ground, but was pleasantly surprised when instead he hit something soft and a quiet 'oof' was breathed into his ear.

"Careful there, darlin'," Hickory hummed, grinning down at John as the other turned his head to peer up at his rescuer, "ya gotta watch where yer goin' if yer gonna be climbin' on things." He chuckled as John's face flushed, tipping his head forward a bit to properly get into the teal trolls space. "You alright?"

"Fine," John all but squeaked. He took a breath and cleared his throat at hearing how high his voice had gone. "Fine. I'm fine," he huffed, purposefully lowering his voice an octave, and pulling away from Hickory to tug at his vest and fix his askew goggles. "Let's, uhm, go this way," he added quickly, spinning on his heel to point down another trail, "I think the star gazing club has a meeting place up on a hill with a nice view over Pop Village."

Hickory followed with a self satisfied smirk on his lips, his thumbs hooked into the belt loops on his pants. "Whatever ya say, Johnny."

"Did you see that?!" Poppy quietly squealed, shaking Floyd's shoulder in her enthusiasm.

"I did," Floyd hummed, letting the over enthusiastic queen shake him. However, he really couldn't return the excitement she exuded for the two they were following. True enough that John seemed more than happy to be around Hickory, but he couldn't shake the strange feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach every time they had a "cute" interaction.

"Oh my gosh! Maybe we were both worried about nothing," Poppy sighed, stars practically in her eyes as she watched John and Hickory walk away, "Maybe we should let them finish their date in peace." She stood and brushed her skirt off, offering a hand to Floyd.

Floyd took Poppy's hand and help in standing back up, but shook his head at her suggestion to stop following them. "No. No, I don't think that's a good idea yet."

Poppy tilted her head, a frown on her face. "What? Why not?"

Floyd sighed, brushing hair out of his face as he watched his brother disappear up a trail. "I just have this awful feeling in my gut," he admitted, his shoulders drooping, "I don't know why. John looks happy, and they haven't had any sort of interaction that we've seen that should make me think something bad might happen. I just…" He waved a hand vaguely through the air, "I don't know. I'm worried about him."

Poppy stared at Floyd for a minute, as if she was trying to see through him. He swallowed thickly and shifted on his feet, a bit worried that she would call him over protective and silly for his trepidation. But, he was pleasantly surprised when instead a large smile bloomed across her face and she took his hand and squeezed it lightly. "You're a good brother," she stated, before turning to follow John and Hickory again.

"Here we are!" John announced unnecessarily as the duo reached a tall hill at the end of the trail.

"S'quite the hill," Hickory laughed as John rolled his eyes.

"It's not the hill that's impressive. It's the view," John retorted, sticking his tongue out at Hickory, even as he grabbed the other trolls hand to tug him along. "C'mon! It's actually kinda impressive."

It was finally Hickory's turn to flush as John tugged him along, a slow grin making its way across his face as the two trudged up the hill.

Upon cresting the hill a spectacular view of Pop Village was exposed. Pods of every size, shape and color hung from the trees, while below you could see the hustle and bustle of the market, where trolls were going about their daily lives. There was a class learning how to manouver flyer bugs zipping around the walkways in the trees, while a heard of puffalo were grazing just outside the edge of the market.

"My," Hickory breathed, before letting out a low whistle, "That is quite the view, isn't it?"

"Yeah," John hummed, before suddenly flopping down in the grass next to Hickory, leaning back on his hands to watch the hustle and bustle of the community below. "I'm kinda surprised more trolls don't come up here for the view? But I guess most pop trolls are more interested in fun, games and parties than sitting quietly."

Hickory settled himself in the grass next to John, while setting his hat to the side. "Never been one to really stick to the mold, have ya, Johnny?"

John tilted his head to smirk at Hickory, shifting to nudge their shoulders together. "Nah. The mold is boring. Plus, I think all those years spent by myself sort of made me forget exactly how energetic pop trolls can be. It can get to be a bit…much."

"What do y'mean, by yerself? Ya never picked up a travelling companion? You always talked about all o' the things you wanted the two of us to do when we were together."

John sighed quietly and shifted so he could tip his head and rest his cheek against Hickory's shoulder. "Nope," he popped the 'p', watching a flyer bug and its rider do a flip in the air, "Between hiking the Neverglade trail, where there really wasn't anyone around, raising Rhonda and moving around so much? Anyone I did meet didn't really want to stay with me very long. Or it just didn't feel right, y'know?"

"Yeah, I know."

With a light frown John tipped his head back a little to try and get a look at Hickory's face, but only really managed to shove his nose into the country trolls cheek. It pulled a chuckle from Hickory, but wasn't really what John was going for. He sat up and leaned forward, catching Hickory's eye. "You didn't find someone out there for you?"

"When?!" Hickory laughed, this time it was his turn to sound sarcastic and self depreciating, "When I was bein' dragged from town to town with no set timeline for when we came or went? Or when I was workin' on a hunt with my brother?" He ran his fingers through his hair, leaving it sticking up at odd angles. "Plus, like you said," he shrugged, "Nothin' felt right."

"I'm sorry."

Hickory wrinkled his nose, turning a bemused smile on John. "What're you sorry for? S'not like you were the one forcing me t'live the life I did. Plus, isn't it some sorta unwritten rule that y'should be happy when ya hear yer ex has been miserable without ya?"

"That'd be a stupid rule," John stated flippantly, "You're not happy I was upset after you left, are you?"

"Course not."

"Then why would I be happy that you were unhappy? I might've been upset for a while, but I only ever wanted you to be happy."

Hickory felt his heart flutter in his chest at John's words, while letting out a slow breath. "Y'mean that?"

"Duh," John snorted, moving his hand to entwine their fingers together, a soft smile on his face. "You were one of the best friends I've ever had, Hick."

"John," Hickory breathed, shifting so he was more fully facing John Dory, "You were mine, too. I thought about ya, so much, when I was out runnin' the roads with Dickory. You have no idea."

John hummed, squeezing Hickory's hand. "I thought about you, too."

Without much warning, Hickory lifted his free hand to cup John's cheek, causing the teal troll to freeze up, a startled look on his face. "Hickory…?"

Hickory didn't answer, simply letting out a soft hum as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to John's while letting his eyes slip shut. He was completely unaware of the somewhat panicked, wide eyed expression on John's face as the county troll pressed close.

"Wanted to do that for a while," Hickory offered as he broke their kiss a moment later while pressing his forehead to John's, eyes still closed. He let out a breathy little laugh as he nudged their noses together, while John could feel his panic slowly begin to ebb away, even as his heart thundered in his chest. "Seein' you in the market today felt like my whole world came crashin' down around my ears, while also finally feelin' like it was all coming back together." He let out a low chuckle, brushing his fingers down from John Dory's cheek to push under John's vest and rest against his shoulder, relishing in the little shiver he could feel as his fingers moved. "The time we spent together, all those years ago, it meant the world to me, Johnny. I want ya to know that." He swept his thumb in little circles against John's shoulder, finally opening his eyes and leaning back a little to take in the flush and startled expression still on John Dory's face. "Thinkin' 'bout you, an' the courage you had to explore the world on yer own when you were still so young. It really helped me through some hard times."

John swallowed thickly, feeling like his skin was on fire while his heart was ready to beat right out of his chest. He was pretty sure his brain was flat lining at this point, as the only thing he managed to say in return was a breathy, "Hickory," before leaning forward to press his own lips to Hickory's. He untangled their fingers so he could cup both of his hands against Hickory's cheeks and pull him in close. That caused the country troll to loose balance slightly and push John a bit, which resulted in John falling back into the grass with a soft 'oof', his breathing quick and vest dislodged from his shoulder.

"Well," Hickory hummed, leaning over John with a grin, his own cheeks flushed dark, "Ain't you a pretty picture?" He trailed his fingers down from John's shoulder, tapping lightly at the flush that had traveled from the teal trolls cheeks to his chest. He then leaned down to kiss John again, pressing the other into the grass.

For a solid minute John was in bliss. It felt like no time at all had passed between them as Hickory's hands explored his fur unbidden and he had the life kissed out of him. He lifted his own hands to comb through Hickory's bright orange locks, pulling slightly as he maneuvered Hickory's face to kiss him more deeply.

"I don't need to see this," Floyd groaned, covering his eyes and crouching further behind the tree he and Poppy were hiding behind.

"Shhh!" Poppy waved at him absently, leaning around the tree and letting out a happy little noise as she watched John fall back into the grass.

But then reality had to come crashing down around his ears. He had obligations to his brothers. Hickory would be moving on with the caravan in a few days to head into the mountains. He was only just finally getting settled in Pop Village, would a fling with an old flame really be in his best interest? Not to mention, when Hickory had left him before, he's said…He suddenly pushed Hickory away by the shoulders, sucking in a sharp breath even as Hickory let out a confused whine.

"I can't do this."

"Wh-what?" Hickory sat back on his heels, a mix of confusion and hurt on his face.

"I can't let myself fall into old habits," John stated as he sat up, fixing his vest and settling it properly over his shoulders, before pulling his goggles down over his eyes. Hickory could feel his heart plummet at that. He knew perfectly well John's goggles were like a physical wall he could put up between himself and others. "I can't get involved in a fling right now. I've got too much going on." John stood, brushing dirt from his clothes, "And, quite frankly, I'm just too old to be playing games like this anymore."

"Games?!" Hickory shook his head, reaching out towards John, who stepped back out of his reach. "I'm not playin' games!"

"We had fun, yeah?" John stated, a strained smile on his face, "This was fun. Like old times, yeah? Nothing serious, just a bit of fun." John could feel his breaths becoming short and knew he had to leave before he started crying. "I'll see you around, Hick," he said, nodding towards the ex bounty hunter, before hurrying back down the hill.

Hickory stared at the spot John had stood, his breath caught in his throat even as tears welled in his eyes. He knew this was his own fault, but it didn't stop his heart from shattering in his chest.

"What just happened?!" Poppy gasped as she watched John practically run down the hill, only to turn and find Floyd already moving as quickly as he could in the direction John had gone.

"John!" Floyd shouted once they were a decent distance from the hill. He knew he'd never be able to catch up to John at the pace he could currently go, but wanted to catch him before they got too close to town, where he knew John would put all of his walls back up. His older brother stopped and turned, and Floyd could see tear tracks on his brothers cheeks below his blatantly fogged up goggles.

"H-hey, Floyd," John stuttered, sucking in a breath and obviously trying to compose himself as quickly as possible as Floyd approached, "What're you doing out here? I figured you'd be off with Poppy planning tomorrow's party."

"John Dory," Floyd murmured, dropping his cane so he could reach up and pull John's goggles away from his face and back up into his hair. The reveal caused John's face to crumple, a wretched sob escaping him as Floyd tugged him into a hug. "Shhh. It's okay. I've got you."

John wept as the two shifted to kneel in the middle of the trail, John clinging to Floyd like his life depended on it while Floyd rubbed soothing circles against his back.

"Hickory," Poppy said softly as she approached the country troll as he continued to stare into space, silent tears running down his cheeks.

"Wha-oh! Miss Poppy," Hickory gasped, quickly wiping at his face and plastering a smile on as the queen sat in the grass next to him. "What're you doin' out here?"

"Floyd and I were following you guys," Poppy admitted, "We were worried something might happen between you and John Dory. I saw what just happened. Or, well, the gist of it. Did you and John get into a fight?"

Hickory let his smile slip away as he shook his head. "Not exactly, no…"

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Floyd asked after a few long minutes of John crying into his shoulder. The elder sat back to wipe at his face, murmuring a quiet "thanks" as Floyd handed him a handkerchief.

"Do you have time for a stupid story?" John Dory asked, his voice thick from crying.

"Hey now, with a reaction like the one you just had, I'm pretty sure the story isn't stupid," Floyd scolded gently, rubbing at John's shoulder. "C'mon. You can talk to me."

John nodded after a moment, pulling himself to his feet and offering a hand to Floyd. "Okay. But, let's get back to Rhonda. I don't feel like airing my dirty laundry out where anyone could come along and eavesdrop."

"I feel like that's a dig for obviously spying on you."

"That's because it is."

Floyd snorted, glad that his brother at least wasn't so upset that he couldn't still dish out sarcastic remarks where necessary. He took John's help in getting to his feet and the two of them made their way back to Rhonda.

When they reached the bus critters clearing it was as if she could tell John was upset. Instead of the exuberant greeting she'd given him earlier in the day, she simply rumbled sadly at him and nudged him gently with her face.

"Hey hey, baby girl," John cooed, rubbing at her face, "I'll be okay."

Once the two were inside, Floyd forced John to sit at the little table he had for meals, while he dug around in John's cupboards for the tea he knew his brother had picked up some time ago for when Floyd came by for a visit.

"Here we go," Floyd hummed as he finally set two mugs of tea on the table, settling himself across from John Dory, who had been staring at the table, obviously lost in his own thoughts. "You ready to talk to me?"

John sucked in a breath as if coming up from under water. He blinked rapidly at Floyd for a second, before offering a small nod and pulling his tea mug close to himself. "Yeah…Sorry, yeah. It's just-well, the story starts when I was in my late twenties. Maybe twenty-six? Twenty-seven? Something like that. I'd been traveling around for a while, already, but it was before I'd met Rhonda. I was hiking through he mountains, trying to find this little village I'd come across once before when I'd first started traveling, when I was eighteen or nineteen. It had been a really sweet little town, with a population of yodeling trolls. Since it'd been one of my first stops, I didn't really want to stay very long at the time, but as I got older I sort of regretted not sticking around. It'd been the only place I'd ever met yodelers. It was a really unique, niche genre and I wanted to go back." He let out a breath and blew on his tea, lifting it but not taking a sip. "And eventually, I did find it. It was sort of tucked away, so I was running low on supplies and was completely exhausted. The trolls I was staying with had a teenager also staying with them. He was a real sweet kid who helped me get settled in and offered to show me around town when I was feeling up to it."

"Not sure how this is relevant to you breaking down in the forest, John," Floyd muttered, scrunching his nose a little.

"I'm getting to it, ya brat," John snorted, offering a small grin to his brother, before looking back to his tea, "Anyway…So, in the morning when I'm up and about, this kid comes bounding over to me with all of the energy in the world and offers to show me around again. I couldn't really refuse, especially since I was being stared down by the lady whose house I was staying in. So, we went around the town and had a pretty good time. I stayed in the village for a couple of months, and the kid stuck by my side nearly the entire time. When I was getting ready to leave he admitted to having a massive crush on me."

"Oh," Floyd blinked, tilting his head, "this still doesn't-"

"It was Hickory, Floyd," John stated bluntly, cutting his brother off and giving him an unimpressed look over his tea. He then took a loud slurp of his drink, which he knew drove Floyd insane.

"Alright, alright, I'll stop interrupting."

"Thank you. So, anyway, he confesses to me and I have to break it to him that, one, I was planning on leaving in the next few days, and two, he was too young for me. We were at different points in our lives, and it just wasn't going to work. He took the rejection relatively well, I think, but I didn't see him again until I was literally walking out of town. He stopped me at the edge of town, gave me the tightest hug I think I've ever gotten, told me to be safe, and that he hoped our paths would cross again one day."

"Your breakdown leads me to think your paths definitely met up again," Floyd interrupted once more, earning another tea slurp from John.

"Yes, they did. A few years later I was back up in the mountains. I'd planned on hanging out with the classical trolls for a while, but after a week or so I found myself getting pretty bored of Symphonyville. Nothing against the classical trolls, but it turns out it's just not my thing. So, I went trekking through the mountains to find the yodelers again. If nothing else, they knew how to throw a great party. Speaking of which, the trolls I'd managed to convince to let me borrow a room from that time were hosting a party the night after I'd shown up, and they invited me to go." He let out a little laugh, his gaze far away as he relived the memories, "It was a birthday party for one of the trolls in town. It was his twenty-first, and I guess for the yodelers that's a big deal. A kind of coming of age, uh, age."

John paused to glance up at Floyd, who gave him an encouraging little nod.

"So, I went. Turned out that it was Hickory's birthday, but I didn't run into him at the party until a few hours in. To make a long story that you don't want to hear short, he cornered me at the party, alluded to the fact that he wasn't too young for me anymore, and…well, y'know."

Floyd cringed, wrinkling his nose at John. "Thank you for sparing me the details."

"You're welcome," John snorted, sitting back in his chair while swirling the remains of his tea around in his cup. He let out a puff of air after a moment, downing the tea and smacking the cup onto the table, making Floyd wince. "I stayed in the village that time for well over a year. Hickory and I were happy. And I thought…Well, I thought things were going really well. I'd even started making plans to permanently move there. It was going to be a surprise for Hickory. I'd been looking to have a house built, and was talking to a couple of trolls about where the best spot in the village would be to build it. But then…then Hickory's brother came back to town."

Floyd reached across the table to take John's hand, which had begun to tremble around his tea cup.

"Dickory came back to town and it's like Hickory's entire personality completely changed. He suddenly barely had any time to spend with me, and when he did, he started acting aloof to me. I confronted him about it, and he apologized and told me that his brother just stressed him out. I took him at face value about that, and it was okay again for a couple of days. But, then he just ghosted me for almost a week. I had no idea where he was, and everyone in town either told me it wasn't something I should worry about and that he'd be back soon, or just brushed me off completely. When I was starting to panic, he just suddenly showed up again." He paused, squeezing Floyd's fingers gently as fresh tears welled in his eyes. "When he did show up, he told me I didn't need to worry about where he'd been. And then, he told me that he had to leave with his brother to work, and he didn't know if or when he'd be back. He…he told me that since I was a travelling pop troll I should have plenty of other places I could go, but that he'd had fun while I was in town. That he wanted to find something serious."

John couldn't keep the tears back as he hunched in on himself, barely registering the scraping sound of chair legs against the floor as Floyd got up from the table to pull him into a hug.

"I had though we were serious," John sobbed, hiccupping before confessing quietly, "I loved him, Floyd. So much."

"Oh, John," Floyd cooed, running his fingers through his brothers hair. "He's a bastard who never deserved you."

"N-no," John pushed Floyd away slightly, sniffing as he shook his head, "He was the sweetest troll I'd ever met, Floyd. You don't understand." He gently shifted Floyd to the side so he could stand up and move across the room to a cupboard. He opened the door and pulled a well worn scrap book out, shuffling back to the table to set it down. He gestured for Floyd to open it.

Inside there were pictures of a snowy landscape with quaint little wooden houses, decorated with flowery trim, and trolls Floyd could only assume were the yodelers. The first couple of pages were like this - general photos of what looked like the village John had described, before the photos shifted to a young John Dory with a handful of trolls Floyd didn't recognize, and then to nothing but photos of John and Hickory. Dozens of pages of the two of them looking absolutely smitten with each other, and Floyd was relatively certain it was the happiest he'd ever seen his brother.

Floyd frowned as he looked back up at John. "This doesn't change the fact that he essentially called you a whore before he left you."

"Yeah, I've thought about that a lot," John admitted, his tears having subsided into the occasional sniffle again. He sat back down in his chair. "He wasn't exactly wrong. I've travelled a lot. Before I met him, I'd had a few other short term partners. And after we broke up, I had a couple little flings. It wasn't hard for me to find places to stay when I turned on the ol' boy band charm," he stated bluntly, a wry grin on his face. "I never told him I was planning on moving to the village. As far as he knew, I was liable to up and leave again at any time."

"Yeah, but you'd already been there for a year. He could've talked to you. And he approached you in the first place. That's scummy, no matter how you try and spin it, John."

John Dory simply shrugged, tugging the scrap book over to himself to flip through a few pages. "Maybe. Maybe he just said those things to me because of Dickory. Maybe he realized I just wasn't worth his time." John shut the scrap book, sliding it across the table. "I'll never really know the reason, because I left the village the next day. I didn't say good bye, and I never went back."

"John-"

"No. Floyd, look. All that, in the end, happened well over a decade ago. I can't keep holding a grudge against him for choosing to break it off with me. Even if he was cruel in the way he did it. All I can really do is try to keep my heart from breaking again." John heaved a sigh, slumping against the table top, his cheek squishing against it as he turned his head to look up at Floyd. "It's why I left him up on that hill. I know all I've really done is run away again, but he's going to be leaving with the caravan in a few days. Spending the morning with him, it just brought back all the feelings I had back then. It hurts."

Floyd sighed through his nose, tugging his chair closer to John and settling himself back down. "You still love him, don't you?"

John squeezed his eyes shut, nodding against the table. "I do."

"So, if it wasn't a fight, then what was it?" Poppy asked, sitting herself down next to Hickory.

Hickory sniffed, grabbing his hat from where it had been discarded on the ground so he would have something to fidget with. "Gettin' my comeuppance, I s'pose," he said with a shrug. "John and I, I'm sure you could tell, we used to be a thing."

"Hard to miss, with the way you guys were looking at each other half the morning," Poppy nodded, getting herself comfortable as Hickory spoke.

"Yeah…We broke up on pretty bad terms, back then. I…I treated him pretty badly."

"What?! How?"

Hickory laughed gently, rubbing at one of his eyes, "You really want to hear the whole story?"

"Uh, duh! Tell me everything," Poppy enthused, sitting forward eagerly.

"All right," Hickory sighed, a small smile on his face at Poppy's never ending enthusiasm. "John'll tell you that we met when I was seventeen, but that's not entirely true."

"Ooooh, I can already tell this is gonna be good," Poppy cooed, resting her cheek on her fist.

"When I was about ten, a pop troll came to the village that me n' my brother grew up in. It was kinda rare to see travellin' trolls, and honestly no one had seen a pop troll since before I'd hatched-"

"Because of the Bergens," Poppy helpfully interrupted.

"Because of the Bergens," Hickory agreed, patting her knee, "So here was a traveler all the way up in the mountains, where few trolls ventured, and a pop troll t'boot? He was an enigma." He wiggled his fingers through the air, making Poppy giggle. "My ten year old brain was immediately obsessed. I wanted t'know where he was from, how he found us, where he was going next - everythin'. But Dickory didn't like that. He didn't trust the traveler and made me stay inside near the entire time he was in the village. Then a couple weeks passed, and he was gone."

"So, I mean, you really didn't technically meet until later," Poppy hummed, frowning lightly.

"True. But I thought about him endlessly after that. It made me realize there was more to the world than our little village. That I could leave," Hickory enthused, gesturing out towards the bustling town below the hill. "It opened up my whole world when he came to town." He paused, letting his hands fall back into his lap. "But I was stuck under Dickory's thumb. At least, that was until he started workin' as a bounty hunter. I dunno when or how he found out about the line o' work, but he started disappearin' for long periods of time an' leavin' me with random folks 'round town. Eventually, when I was seventeen, he left me with this real sweet older couple, who occasionally had the rare troll that passed through the mountains stay with 'em. Low an' behold, one day I'm mindin' my business puttin' dishes away, when none other than John Dory walks through the door. I nearly dropped the dish I'd been holdin', but I managed to keep it together enough t'ask 'im if he wanted me t'show him 'round the village after he'd rested up. He took me up on the offer, an' we spent a good couple months together."

"Awww! That's so sweet," Poppy cooed, grinning at Hickory.

"Yeah. Real sweet up until I told 'im I had a crush on 'im," he said, smiling crookedly as Poppy's smile fell, "He let me down real sweet like, explainin' that he was headed out of town soon, an' that I was just too young for 'im. Which, valid points. I was still heart broken, though, an' avoided 'im after that. I even nearly missed my chance to say good bye to 'im. But I'd given his rejection some good thought, an' he was right. I was too young, an' he was a drifter. I was gonna be sad for a while, but I treasured the time we'd gotten to spend together. So I said my good byes, and he went on his way."

"But I thought you said you broke up with him?"

"I did," Hickory nodded, turning his gaze out towards the village, "John came back to the village a few years later, right on time for my twenty-first birthday. He appeared at my birthday party like some sorta specter. I turned 'round an' he was just standin' there, sippin' at a drink against a wall, just watchin' everyone else havin' fun. I thought for a minute that I had t'be dreamin', but no. He was really there. An' it was my birthday, so I took a bit of a risk." He tipped his head to smirk at Poppy, "Took 'im home with me that night."

"Oh!" Poppy flushed, waving a hand at Hickory, "You scoundrel."

Hickory laughed, shrugging as he pulled his knees up and sat forward to rest his elbows on them. "I guess so. But John, he just…he makes me feel things I never thought I'd feel, y'know?"

Poppy smiled warmly at Hickory. "Yeah, I do."

"Cause o' Branch?"

Poppy giggled, flushing as she covered her face with her hands, muttering a muffled, "Yeah."

"You two're real cute," Hickory hummed, patting her on the knee. "But, anyhow…John an' I were real happy for a good bit o' time. I think he stayed with us for a year or so? Dickory'd been gone on some long ass hunt an' I honestly wasn't sure if he was ever gonna come back. I know it makes me sound terrible, but I'd kinda hoped that he never would. John an' I were happy." A bitter frown turned Hickory's lips, and Poppy dropped her hands into her lap, watching him curiously. "He suddenly came back into town one day, makin' me spend all this time with 'im as he talked my ear off about bounty huntin'. It put me in a right foul mood, which carried over when I finally did get to spend time with John. I felt right bad when he called me out on my shit, too. I didn't realize I was treatin' him different 'cause of my bad mood. I tried to straighten up an' get back to our usual routine, but Dickory was havin' none of it. One day, he pulled me aside an' told me that since I was of age now I shouldn't be foolin' 'round with some travellin' tart. I needed to get out an' work, an' if I wanted to see more o' the world so badly then he would take me with 'im on his next job." Hickory sighed and rolled his shoulders, stretching back out to lean back on his hands. "He got a little rough with me at one point when I told 'im I wanted t'stay with John, an' that we were happy the way we were. He dragged me into town to show me where John was talkin' to some o' the other villagers, then pinned me down so I couldn't get away, just so he could tell me about how John was apparently lookin' to build us a home. I asked him how he thought that would make me wanna leave, an' he just laughed at me an' told me that if I really loved John because of how he was free to go anywhere he wanted, an' be whoever he wanted, then why was I so willing to tie him down and force him to stay in our little village. Never occured to me that John and I could leave together. I just watched him laughin' with the other villagers an' kept playin' scenarios in my head about how he'd grow to resent me for keepin' 'im there."

"Oh, Hickory," Poppy hiccupped, tears welled up in her eyes, "that's awful!"

"Yeah. But it wasn't as bad as what I did to John after that."

"Oh no! What'd you do?"

Hickory let out a breath, looking ashamed of himself. "I left with Dickory for a week without tellin' 'im anythin'. Dickory took me out on a short job, an' when I got back John was in a tizzy. He was so worried about me, I felt awful. But Dickory told me he had a longer job lined up for us, an' we would be leavin' the next day. I had no idea how long it'd take, an' I didn't even know if Dickory an' I would even go back to the village after. So, I had to set John free."

"Hickory…what did you do?"

"I was cold to 'im. Told 'im I was leavin', an' didn't know if I'd even be back. Then - oh Poppy," Hickory rubbed at his face, "I told him since he was a travellin' pop troll, he shouldn't have any trouble findin' a place to shack up an' keep warm. That we'd had our fun, but I needed to get movin' an' find somethin' 'serious'. I was just awful to 'im. I really don't blame him for leavin' like he did just now."

Poppy looked devastated for a moment, before jumping up to her feet. "So, you need to apologize!" She stared down at Hickory with determination, her fists clenched in the air in front of her.

"Wait-what? Poppy, weren't you listenin'?"

"Of course I was! But, Hickory, for all that is trolly, you've loved John Dory since you were ten. And not even because he was in a band! Now that you're both in a good place in your lives, and able to make amends, you can't seriously tell me you're okay with just moving on with the caravan and leaving things the way they are, are you?!"

Hickory swallowed thickly, fiddling with his hat for a moment, before yanking it onto his head and smacking the ground. "Good gosh golly, you're right, miss Poppy. I can't give up now. I gotta apologize an' clear the air between us. I can't just let things fester like I did before. We gotta stop this cycle of one of us leavin' the other over an' over." He stood, face full of determination. "Let's do this."

"That's the spirit!" Poppy cheered. "And I have the perfect plan to help!"

"So, what're you going to do?" Floyd asked, the two had migrated from the table to John's couch, cuddled together under a blanket.

"I don't know…I could probably hide in Branch's bunker until they leave. That's always an option, right?"

Floyd rolled his eyes, flicking John Dory in the ear, earning himself a pathetic sounding whine from the other. "No. As much as I think that what Hickory did was absolutely deplorable, you're probably right that he did it because of his brother. And you still care about him. He obviously still has feelings for you. You two should at least talk, if nothing else."

John sighed heavily, pulling his goggles off his head to toss them across the room. "You know I'm no good at talking. Plus, I'm pretty sure after running off like I did, he probably doesn't even want to talk to me again."

"You just talked to me. I think you did really well. And if Hickory doesn't want to talk to you again, at least you can say you tried. Trying and being honest are the only ways you're going to find yourself any closure about this." Floyd gently ruffled his older brothers hair, "But maybe wait until tomorrow? After you've had some time to rest up. I don't think I've ever seen you cry so much. You must be tired."

John snorted and shoved Floyd lightly, shooting him a playful glare. "This coming from mister I used to cry when even so much as a slightly raised voice was in my general vicinity."

"Exactly why I know how tiring crying can be," Floyd snarked back, tugging at John's ear. "Don't be petulant. Get some rest. Hang out in Rhonda for the rest of the day. I'll bring by some dinner later and we can talk some more, okay? Maybe you can show me some other scrap books you've got stashed away. I saw a bunch more in that cupboard."

"Yeah, okay. That sounds good."

"I'll see you later, JD."

The next day started pretty similarly to how the previous had. The sun was shining and birds were chirping, but this time John didn't have an exuberant pop queen banging at his door.

John rolled out of bed and puttered around Rhonda, getting himself ready for the day. As he pulled his goggles on he stared at himself in the mirror. He'd slept relatively well, so the perpetual bags under his eyes weren't quite so prominent, and the redness in them from crying had, luckily, completely cleared up overnight. He hadn't picked out anything special to wear, just his usual fur lined vest and cargo shorts. Pretty well the same thing he'd been wearing the day before. He didn't think he looked like anything particularly special, but yesterday Hickory had looked at him like he was the whole universe.

"Hey now, stop that," he scolded his reflection as his cheeks began to darken. "Don't get your hopes up, and don't expect anything. You're just going to talk, and if we end up at least staying friends, that's good enough." He poked the glass in front of him with a stern frown. "Be happy if you even get closure."

He then turned on his heel and headed out of Rhonda, startling when he found Floyd just outside the door with his fist raised to knock.

"Oh! You're up," Floyd laughed, stepping back to gesture at Poppy and Branch who were standing just behind him, "Branch was convinced you'd still be asleep."

"What? And miss out on a party thrown by none other than the Queen of Pop herself? I don't think so," John laughed, trundling down Rhonda's steps and giving her a fond pat before stepping away.

"Oh, good. I was a bit worried that after yesterday, you wouldn't want to come," Poppy sighed, laughing nervously as she glanced at Branch who nudged her in the side. John raised an eyebrow at their antics and glanced at Floyd who simply shrugged.

"Riiiight…Well, I'm up and about. Shall we?" John swept his arm out towards the entrance to Rhonda's clearing, waiting until Branch and Poppy began to walk before following next to Floyd.

"Are you actually okay?" Floyd asked as he and John fell back a bit from Poppy and Branch, a light frown on his face.

"I don't know," John reluctantly admitted, rubbing at his neck, "I guess? I think I know what I want to say to him, but that all depends on if he's even around or wants to talk to me. I guess I'm a bit anxious?"

"It's okay to be anxious. And if you need me, you know I'll be there for you," Floyd offered, patting John on the shoulder.

"Yeah. Thanks, bro," John smiled, nodding a little as the group of four broached what most of the village fondly referred to as the 'Party Clearing'. The area was almost exclusively used for parties and events, and was currently decorated in country themed decorations for the visiting caravan. Fake cacti were peppered around the area, while what appeared to be hay bales were scattered around for trolls to sit on. A stage and DJ booth were set up at one end of the clearing, and twinkle lights were strung over the entire clearing with various colors of streamers hanging from them. John was sure they'd be amazing once night fell and the lights were turned on.

"Okay! I gotta go do some last minute prep, and make sure all of the tables for food are set up properly. Everything today has got to be perfect," Poppy cheered as she dashed away, the brothers visibly cringing as she said the word 'perfect'.

"So, wait…why're we here so early?" John asked, frowning a bit as he looked around to see a handful of trolls milling about and setting things up.

"Because Poppy likes to be early," Branch stated bluntly, folding his arms over his chest, "And she wanted to make sure you showed up."

"What? Why?"

Branch glanced at his brother, shrugging a little. "Because reasons," he replied unhelpfully before wandering away, leaving an incredibly confused John and Floyd in his wake.

"Uh," John blinked, turning to Floyd with a frown, "Do you know what's up with him?"

"Not a clue," Floyd shrugged while shaking his head, only to turn towards the stage as someone tapped on a microphone and started a sound check. He blinked in surprise and grabbed at John Dory to face the stage as well, as a green and orange troll walked forward with a guitar in hand.

"Hickory?" John gasped, dumbfounded as to why the county troll would be up on stage, especially when there were barely any trolls in the clearing yet.

"Howdy, y'all," Hickory said into the mic, tipping his hat and clearing his throat. "This, uhm…this ain't really for the party or nothin', but I heard grand gestures are real in right now, so uhm, here I am."

John began to walk across the clearing towards the stage in a bit of a daze, watching Hickory as he nervously fiddled with his guitar.

"This is for, well," Hickory laughed lightly, his eyes trained on John as he approached, "It's for you, darlin'." And with that, he began to sing. "Tell me what I have to do tonight, 'cause I'd do anything to make it right…" ((click here if you wanna listen to the song Hickory sings, and the namesake of this fic))

John was enraptured as Hickory sang, unconsciously clutching at the front of his vest as tears welled up in his eyes as the song came to a close. "Hickory," he sobbed with a hiccup, rushing the stage as Hickory jumped down, catching the country troll in a hug. A small smattering of cheering and clapping made John pull back and look around, flushing as he realized that all of the trolls that had previously been milling about were watching them.

"Oh, this is embarrassing," John muttered, burying his face in Hickory's shoulder, causing the other to chuckle.

"Why don't we go somewhere a bit more private so we can talk? How's that sound?" Hickory asked, nudging John's temple with his nose.

"Yeah, okay," John muttered, pulling away to drag Hickory from the clearing by his wrist, the cheers following them as they left.

After a beat, Branch walked back over to Floyd with a self satisfied smirk on his face.

"You and Poppy planned this whole thing, didn't you?" Floyd asked, raising an eyebrow at his baby brother.

"Well, Poppy did. She just used me as a sounding board and asked how I thought John might react to something like this." He shrugged, stuffing his hands into his vest pockets.

"Good job, Bitty B."

"Someone's gotta look out for that idiot now and then. Glitter knows, he won't ever take care of himself."

"He's trying," Floyd sighed, wrapping an arm around Branch's shoulders to pull him into a half hug.

"I know."

John tugged Hickory along until they were a good ways away from the party clearing, quite near to the forest trails they'd walked along the day before. He finally let go of the other and spun on his heel to face him, his cheeks flushed and a mix of determination and fear on his face. Hickory frowned lightly, reaching out to cup John's cheek.

"You okay there, darlin'?"

John let out a shuddery breath, leaning in to Hickory's touch for a moment, before wrapping his fingers around the country trolls wrist and pulling it away from his face. "You hurt me, Hick. No amount of sweet ballad performances are going to change that," he began, holding fast as Hickory turned his face away and tried to tug his wrist free, "BUT. But…I am willing to talk about this and clear the air between us. I think we really need to discuss what happened all those years ago."

"Yer right. 'Course, yer right," Hickory nodded, "I wasn't tryin' to avoid a serious conversation with ya, I promise. I know I gotta explain myself, an' you don't owe me any sorta forgiveness."

"No one said I was unwilling to forgive you, sweetheart," John said, returning Hickory's earlier gesture and tilting the country trolls face towards him, brushing his thumb over his cheek. Hickory's face lit up as he stared intently at John. "We just really gotta clear away the old baggage, first."

"Right," Hickory nodded as the two moved to sit beneath one of the towering trees. "Where do ya want me to start?"

"I don't think we need to go that far back. Just…tell me what happened when Dickory came back to town. Where did you go for that week, and what made you decide to try and make me hate you before you left."

Hickory fidgeted, swallowing thickly as he tucked his hands between his knees. "Okay. Well, when Dickory came back an' saw the two o' us together, he was not pleased. The reason I kept bein' so waspish to ya was because he was bound an' determined to make me miserable before he knew I was gonna meet up with ya. An' then he dragged me on a job with 'im without any warnin'. I didn't get a chance to even think about tellin' ya where I was goin', cause I just woke up one mornin' in a wagon that was headin' down the mountain. When we did return, he got real nasty with me when I tried to go back home to ya. I wasn't thinkin' straight, an' he put this thought in my head that I was keepin' you trapped, instead of letting ya be yerself. He told me you were lookin' to move to the village, permanent like, an' I didn't want that fer you. You were always meant t'be free."

"…That's stupid."

Hickory let out a bark of laughter, tilting his head to smile wryly at John. "I realize that now. But at the time, Dick had me all messed up an' I thought the only thing I could do was let you go. Well…force ya t'leave. It wasn't fair, what I did, an' it weren't right. I know that now. I've known that fer a long time now, actually. I should've just talked to ya about it. I've imagined, so many times, how we could've just up an' left in the middle of the night an' been happy and together for all these years. I wasted so much of our time, bein' stupid."

"Yeah. You did," John breathed, watching as Hickory winced, "But there's not much we can do about the past, is there?"

Hickory lifted his head, watching John with hope in his eyes. John couldn't help but reach out and brush his fingers through Hickory's hair, relishing in how the country troll practically melted into his touch.

"If there's one thing I've been trying to learn and come to terms with myself, it's that the past will leave scars behind, whether you meant to hurt yourself and others, or not. But, you can work to help heal them. It'll take time and effort, but I think it'll be worth it if we try."

Tears slid unbidden down Hickory's cheeks, even as he smiled warmly at John. "Lookit you, gettin' so wise in yer old age."

"Shut up," John laughed, shoving lightly at Hickory's shoulder, only to tug him back in close to plant a kiss on his cheek. Hickory chuckled, quickly tipping his head to catch John in a proper kiss, a shiver running up his spine at the surprised little noise the teal troll let out.

"You wanna head back to the party now?" Hickory asked as they pulled away from each other, John taking the opportunity to duck down and snuggle into Hickory's chest.

"Not yet," he sighed, letting his eyes drift shut as he curled around Hickory, "Let's just stay here for a bit."

"Whatever you'd like, darlin'," Hickory hummed, letting his fingers comb through John's hair as they basked in each others company and the warm sun shining down on them.

#dreamworks trolls #trolls #hickdory #trolls john dory #trolls hickory #trolls fanfic #trolls world tour #trolls band together #things that i wrote #i hope this bad boy meets expectations #i haven't written anything since 2018 and i feel like it sorta shows here #but i did my best!

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