#someone hire me plz

[kamydrawstuffs]

Discworld- Introducing...RINCEWIND! The Great WIZZARD!!!!

Someone plz give him a blanket and some cookies and hot cocoa. He really needs it.

[desceros]

love it when you spend two hours writing and then have to delete all of it bc you have a Much Better Idea

[taralen]

I feel like the only person on this planet who actually enjoys customer service.

Maybe it's Stockholm syndrome. It's what I have the most experience in. It's like... I can't stop providing [[100% CUSTOMER SATISFICATION GUARANTEE]]!

Do you want a smooth voice telling you that you look great in that clashing lipstick of your choice or maybe that ill-fitted t-shirt with a badger wearing sunglasses? Maybe those are part of your return that you don't have a receipt for, but hey, we love you here at [[CHAIN RETAIL]], so here's a complimentary Return Merchandise card for you to use during your next purchase.

Oh, what's that? You're looking for a week-long deal?

Honey, do I have a $25 gift card with $100 worth of baby products to sell you...

Hello, this is [[CORPORATE HEADQUATER]].

>> [[Insert Yelling Here]]

"Goodness! That's awful. I would feel absolutely the same way if I were in your situation. Please, let me see if I can reach your salesperson to assist you."

>> DIALS CODE 130 >> ANSWER MACHINE >> SWITCHES

"Uh, hello again! I tried to reach the [[INSUFFERABLE SALES PERSON]], but he's not available right now. Could you tell me your problem again? You need to order a pallet of violins for your music class? I have just the thing for you..."

[HELP] I CAN'T SHUT IT OFF.

[thedummysdummy]

The Extent of the Search

“I’ve got the day off today since we finished editing last night. I thought I’d do some of the deep cleaning that has been piling up.” The girl took a bite of her toast and made eye contact with Victor over the video call, who finished his sip of coffee and nodded. “But you know your wife deserves a reward for working on her day off!” 

Victor chuckled and set down his cup. “Just don’t get halfway through a project and lose interest so the house is a bigger mess than when you started. If a certain dummy can accomplish that, I believe a nice meal could be in order when I get home tonight.” 

His words were met with a joyful cheer as the girl jumped up and rushed around the table to wrap her arms around Victor’s shoulders. “Absolutely! You know I am good at finishing projects!! A certain someone else has drilled that into me.” She giggled and glanced at the clock behind him. “You better get on the road, Mr. CEO. Don’t forget your lunch or your wife will be very upset!!”

Victor rolled his eyes in a good-natured way and picked up his briefcase. “You just enjoy using your new title, don’t you? I suppose it does have a certain ring to it. Your husband will see you after work.” He blew the girl a kiss and the screen went dark, leaving her standing in the middle of the kitchen and staring at the blank screen. 

Did she have alternative motives for offering to clean out the dark corners of Victor’s house? Oh, absolutely. How better to get to know the one you love than going through their things? And seeing his face after a period of separation and intense busyness left her with an ache she longed to soothe. With an entire day ahead of her, she decided to start with the kitchen. The breakfast dishes took little more than five minutes; as they stood drying in the rack, the girl pulled a stool over to the cabinets to remove all the dishes and scrub down the shelves. 

One by one she carefully removed the dishes and set them on the counter, pausing when her eyes fell on a certain cup in the very back corner of the highest shelf. She picked it up with something akin to reverence and held it up to the light, which refracted in a multitude of ways as the beams bounced off the repaired cracks. “I can’t believe he kept this,” she murmured and ran her fingers over the bumpy surface. They stopped at a bit of glue tinged pink and a shiver ran down her spine. 

She couldn’t bring herself to examine it any closer after that and set the cup on the counter with the rest of the dishes. Painful memories sloshed around with the warm water in the bucket she used to wipe away the gathered dust on the shelves, despite her best efforts to replace them with happy memories. Her hand went to her chest multiple times as if searching for a scar she knew no longer existed. 

Said cup was returned to its exact place and hidden away by the rest of the dishes; dishes which held, instead, the happy memories of meals lovingly prepared and enjoyed together. They hid away the broken cup and the girl couldn’t help finding meaning in such simplicity. 

The fridge, counters, and floors received a similar level of care before the girl nodded and declared the kitchen officially clean. Next came the dining room; every inch of the table was scrubbed until the surface glittered in the light. The chair cushions went in the wash, the chairs themselves were wiped down, and the floors were mopped. 

In a full cleaning-whirlwind by this point, the girl moved on to their bedroom. Truth be told, there wasn’t actually much cleaning to do, but she still washed the bedding, vacuumed every square inch of carpet, and dusted every surface. Inside the closet she began organizing Victor’s clothes. A soft smile spread over her features as she remembered times he’d worn each item. Suits and casual clothing alike each held a sweet memory, until she came to the last item on the rack. 

It was just a suit to an outsider; a suit which probably should have been thrown out due to the holes in the jacket. She withdrew her hand rapidly as her breath caught in her throat. It had obviously been cleaned very carefully, but nothing could remove the stain around the hole completely. The girl pushed it away and hurriedly slid his other clothes over it before hastily exiting the closet. This whole exercise wasn’t doing anything to fill the empty place in her heart…

So instead, she threw herself into scrubbing down the bathroom. As her hands cleared any signs of uncleanliness, her mind drifted. Where would Victor keep the happy things? And where hadn’t she done much exploring? No more holey jackets or broken cups…

Cups. The attic! She brightened and dumped the dirty water down the drain, tossed the rag in the hamper, and skittered to the hidden attic entrance. Excitement was already building as she climbed the stairs and flicked on the light to glance around. 

It was quite organized, as far as attics go; however, it definitely could use a good dusting. The girl started near the door and began tackling the shelves with her duster. They contained a multitude of books on many subjects; everything from grade school texts to business law books were represented. Near the back of the room in a cabinet, she found something far more interesting: journals. 

She almost reached out to grab one without thinking, but paused as her mind caught up to her hand. “I should ask Victor before I flip through those,” she murmured to herself as she pulled her phone out of her pocket and opened his contact. 

Hey husband, I found some old journals while cleaning the attic. Do you mind if I read them? 

His reply came surprisingly quickly. The girl didn’t even have time to put the phone back in her pocket before it buzzed. 

That’s fine.

He didn’t even have to think about it first! Warmth spread from the top of her head to the tips of her toes as his trust for her settled into her very bones. She pulled the journals and the box they were in from the cabinet and set it aside, momentarily distracted by the rest of the contents of the cabinet. 

The top shelf held a variety of trophies, all quite dusty but well-maintained. She removed them one at a time, removing the dust from their plates to read the award. 

“Academic Excellence” 

“Spelling Bee 1st Place” 

“Future Business Leaders of Loveland” 

Each one provided just a little insight into the young Victor’s rise to the top. The girl carefully dusted each one and replaced them on the shelf. Below the trophy shelf was a thin space where a single file folder rested. She slid it out and found it to be full of award certificates. Business competitions, academic honors, and even a handful of piano recital competition placements adorned the pages. 

This, too, she returned to its place after removing the dust of time. “And now, the main event!” she exclaimed, turning back to the box. She removed all the journals and organized them by date, amused yet unsurprised to find that they began probably the moment Victor learned to write. The first childish handwriting improved in leaps and bounds as she turned the pages and read about soccer games, outings with Mrs. Li, and the joys and frustrations of childhood. 

And then it came: The first mention of her. “I met a girl at the park today. My soccer ball knocked down her sandcastle. She began to cry. I’m going to bring her a pudding tomorrow to say sorry.” 

She didn’t know why she expected more depth from a small child, but the girl found herself wishing for more insight into his side of the experience. It was such a profound crossroads in their lives, yet neither knew it at the time. A long period passed as she stared at the simple words and relived the snatches of memory. 

Finally, she turned the page and searched for more mentions of herself. “I brought the pudding today. The girl was so childish as she wolfed it down without taking time to enjoy it.” “The girl keeps following me around the park. But I kind of like it, so I don’t mind.” 

“The girl wasn’t at the park today. I stayed a long time just in case, but she never showed up. I’ll keep checking the places I used to see her.” 

“I haven’t seen the girl in a long time. I haven’t been able to find any information on where she has gone, but I will keep trying.” 

This was the end of the journal and she set it aside, torn on whether or not she should pick up the next one. She knew what came next, after all, and it took quite a bit of thought before cracking the cover of the next journal. 

She read about his attempts to find out if she’d survived, his mother leaving for France, and her subsequent death. Moisture welled up in her eyes as his handwriting became shaky, the boy’s emotions poured out on the page with smudges from his tears. “Oh, Victor,” she whispered, wishing she could wrap her arms around him at that moment. She closed the journal and set it aside, wiping her face on her sleeve. There were some things she would rather read while he was nearby, and this…this was one of them.

And so she turned her attention to the box instead. It contained dozens of folders, each filled with pages upon pages of photocopied and printed documents. Pictures of the orphanage. News reports. Hand-written notes with her name all over them. The deeper she dug, the more the enormity of his search hit her. When she heard ‘I searched for you for 17 years,’ she had imagined a casual ‘keep an eye out and hope to run into each other’ type search. Not…this. How many hours of his youth had Victor poured into searching for a ghost? 

Then came adulthood. His resources had obviously opened up, because the information he gathered had become more and more obscure. Lists of Evolvers and their last known locations. Names of organizations whose purposes she could only guess at.  The more she read, the less carefully she stacked the folders until she was completely surrounded by bits and pieces of Victor’s time. 

And she reached the final chapter. The handwriting changed, and the documents with Victor’s writing mentioned a Detective Bao. She found a print out of their agreement, a payment record, minutes of their meetings together…Despite knowing Victor had spent a very long time searching for her, it was…almost overwhelming that he’d shown that level of care for her when they were both so very young. That he would spend so many hours. So much money. 

The reality of it hit her like the air had turned to honey. It stuck to her lungs and she found herself gasping for air. He hired a DETECTIVE. What had possessed him to go so far for a girl he’d last seen when he was 11? The amount of love she felt threatened to shatter her heart into a million pieces. She considered calling Victor to ask him about all of this. 

No. This was something that needed to be discussed in person. She needed to hold him and look into his eyes. The girl lay down on the floor in the midst of the papers, suddenly feeling quite exhausted by it all. Before she knew it, her eyes had fluttered closed. 

~~~

Victor fully expected his wife to be waiting for him at the door, so he was quite surprised when he made it all the way inside with no sign of her. Knowing her habit of falling asleep in random places, he began searching the house. Evidence of her hard work was not lost on him; Victor made sure to admire the cleanliness of the rooms as he looked for his wife. She deserved it, after all. 

The main house didn’t give up her position. Victor paused in the living room, glancing around with slight confusion. She definitely would have told him if she was going out. Maybe he’d missed a message? He pulled out his phone and glanced at their last messages. Ah, the journals. She must be in the attic. Sure enough, the stairs were still down. 

He took them two at a time, the desire to see his wife nearly impossible to contain. Sure enough, there she was. The papers she’d strewn around still surrounded her as she snored softly near the cabinet. Victor snickered and opened a nearby bin to pull out a light blanket. “What did I say about making a bigger mess?” he whispered, his words practically dripping with fondness. The fabric settled over the girl’s sleeping form and Victor began picking up a few of the sheets, quickly realizing what she’d found. 

But how had she reacted? He sat down next to his wife and brushed her hair out of her eyes, only to see mascara had run down her face. “I see. Of course a dummy would have such a reaction to finding this on her own. I probably should have remembered these records were in there with my journals when you mentioned them. I expect we’ll have to discuss what you found when you wake up.” 

Victor’s hand gently rested on the girl as he spoke, rubbing her back tenderly. She snuffled and shifted in her sleep, reaching out and grabbing his knee. He chuckled and placed his large, warm hand over hers and gave it a squeeze. “You probably should wake up and get into bed. It’s late. We’ll clean this all up tomorrow, together.” 

Just as he was about to scoop her up into his arms and carry her to bed, the girl’s eyes flickered open. She glanced around blearily for a moment as she got her bearings. Until her brain registered that Victor was home. The moment her eyes fell on his face, she immediately burst into tears. “Victor,” she cried, sitting up and wrapping her arms around his neck. “You are such a dummy! A dummy for a very, very long time!” 

Victor swept his wife off her feet and into his arms with a laugh. “I don’t regret any of it. But we’ll talk about that in the morning. Come on, let’s go to bed.” He tenderly carried her down the stairs and into their bedroom where he placed her in bed and tucked her in. The tears were still streaming down her face and he pulled a tissue from the box to blot them away. Moments later he joined her, not bothering with pajamas. He wanted to feel her warmth all over his skin, if just to reaffirm to himself that his mission really was accomplished. She really was there, soft and tender. Victor wrapped his arms and legs around his wife and closed his eyes. Surely he would get the first good night’s sleep he’d had since he left on his trip. 

~~~

He certainly did. Victor woke strangely late and disentangled his body from his wife’s. Which was a task; her sleeping brain seemed dead-set on not letting him go. Then again, he wasn’t overly inclined to leave her side, either. He placed a tender kiss on her forehead and pulled her in close, content to just lay there and watch her sleep as long as she wanted. 

Even with her raccoon mascara eyes and tousled hair, his wife was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Each breath she took took his breath away and he counted his blessings to be by her side. Every minute and dollar he’d spent on locating her could not have been spent more wisely. Yes, they’d met again by chance, but it was a carefully orchestrated life which allowed that ‘chance.’

Really, he didn’t have to wait long for her to wake. The girl’s eyelids fluttered and rolled open. Victor immediately pulled her into a kiss, arms wrapped tightly around her as he pulled the sweet nectar of her breath from her lungs into his. “There. Now you’re not going to turn into a sprinkler when you look at me, right?” 

Her face scrunched in feigned offense, but quickly melted into a giggle. “No, that just happened because you got home in the middle of the night and woke me up! And because you weren’t here when I found out exactly how big of a dummy you are!” 

Victor began to laugh as he settled more comfortably in the bed with the girl still in his arms. “Why? Because I pursued a task through to completion? That’s nothing new for me.” 

“No, because you spent so much time and effort on something that happened when you were looking the other way! Plus you spent way too much on a detective who couldn’t find someone who had never left the city or tried to hide. Not the best return on that investment, Mr. CEO. And isn’t spending 17 years looking for someone that thoroughly a little bit stalker-y? I would have just put an advertisement in the paper looking for someone who loved my pudding as a kid. Problem solved.” 

The girl kissed Victor’s cheeks and ears, which had blossomed into a pale pink as she stared at him. When described that way…it did sound a little bit over the top. “Well, despite the methods and their effectiveness, I accomplished my goal. And it was worth every last minute, and every last penny. Stop staring at me and kiss me properly already.” 

“Only if you promise to go through it all with me after breakfast. I need to know what kept you motivated for that many years to find a girl you met when you were 10.” She was obviously teasing, but her eyes held more than a hint of seriousness. Victor blushed even more deeply, causing the girl to laugh and throw herself on top of him. “I’m going to assume you agree to my terms,” she giggled and melted into her husband, intent to show him that she loved him just as much.

[actualmichelle]

Had a moment of clarity today where I just realized there's no way in hell I will last at this job another year

Not in like a scary way, just even if I can't find a new job I'm going to get fired eventually.

[quasieli]

Of the 85 job apps I've sent out (on just Indeed), I've gotten 25 rejections, and 3 employers who have reached out (2 of which did not respond after I responded). I've been on 2 job interviews and never heard back from either of them afterwards. How am I not supposed to be upset and angry?

[kil9]

has anyone translated the sirius visual commentary (full 2 hour version not the 2 minute preview) into english im going insane

[bloodychamber]

Got the morbs because one of the jobs I applied to this week rejected my application without comment

[coeurify]

i think i already requested this but i’m not 100% sure so i’m doing it again 🫶😭 ellie getting hired as a farm hand and sneaking around with the farmers daughter

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 18+. rushed writing, smut, oral!e recieving, dirty talk

𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: I JUST CAME EVERYWHERE!!! sorry this req took so long. i went a bit overboard. plz tell me if u want more of this trope, 3.2k words.

The farm was never quiet. Not the always loud stables and garden, not the chicken coop that always raised choruses of sounds. Never was the creaking door of your front porch door silent, nor was the gravel road that led across the expansive farm. Your father waking early in the morning, before the sun had even risen, boots stomping down old stairs— that was never quiet either. So often, you found your arms pressed to the ledge of your window, peeking through the white curtains to watch as the sun rose and your father trudged around to tend to everything by himself.

One day, when your cheek was pressed against your arm, knees tucked under you as your bed acted as a cushion to watch out the window with sleepy eyes, someone else showed up. Their hair was short and messily cut, shining a deep sort of auburn in the early flashes of the sun. They wore flannel and jeans that you had to squint your eyes to see were definitely too big for whoever wore them. Your father had mentioned hiring a farm hand for some help, but you assumed to be met with an older man like himself. Not whoever this was. They tilted their head up, meeting your searching eyes through the window above the farmhouse. It was a girl, definitely one your age, early twenties or so. Before she could look too long as you continued being nosy, you ducked down under the window and let out a breath of embarrassment.

A few days later, you learned her name. Carrying metal buckets full of feed for the chicken coop, you were met with this new face again, holding the same bucket. “Oh,” she had said, “are you going to feed the chickens? I'm sorry, don’t mean to get in the way..” she had rocked on her heels nervously, but you just smiled. “Oh! my daddy always has me feed the chickens; he must’ve just forgotten to tell ya’.. you’re the new farm hand, right?” The girl had nodded, very obviously following the braids in your hair as you tilted your head a bit. “Yea— uh, I’m Ellie..” she eventually introduced, holding out a hand for you. It gave a clear visual of the flannel pushed to her elbows, revealing a beautiful tattoo on her lower arm. You shook her hand, grinning as bright as the damn sky as you introduced yourself. “We could just go feed them together? Then I’ll get outta your hair,” you offered. That was the first day you and Ellie spoke, over the loud clucks of the chickens, introducing them each by names you had given them, asking simple questions about herself. That was when you decided you had to have her.

Your father didn’t love how the next few weeks were spent with you stealing glances at Ellie as she carried hay barrels or led horses to a different side of the farm. He mumbled for you to ‘let the girl do her job’ whenever you brought the two of them lemonades or snacks as an excuse to spark up a conversation under the summer heat. You liked to watch the way Ellie always focused on you, sweat building on her forehead that she always wiped away to speak with you. You enjoyed how she stumbled over her words whenever you complimented her work or mentioned how your father didn’t like how interested you were in distracting her.

“My daddy says I'm a bad influence on you, Ellie; you think that's true?” You had asked one day while leaning against the barn door, watching as she shuffled animals back into their pens. “He thinks I distract you too much,” you add, fingers digging into the pockets of your overalls. Ellie swallowed harshly, searching for her words carefully, “I think I’d be lying if I said you didn’t distract me just a bit,” the girl admitted, pushing a grin to your face. “Only a bit?” You pouted, nearly giggling out loud at how Ellie had blinked so hard and so many times, unable to conjure up words for your pointed comment. That was the first time you had dipped your toes into the pool of flirting with Ellie, and you never went back.

After a few awkward breakfasts of your father digging into you for your infatuation with his new farm hand, begging you just to let the girl work, you got more careful about your trips to Ellie. You would wait until your father was off in one of the stables before you would sneak to the garden Ellie was kneeling in, hands covered in dirt as she tended to the plants. “You look good like that,” you would mumble. Ellie always fumbled with her tools, looking up at you with eyes that always begged you not to keep pushing this. You always did. Your feet always found a place in the area of the farm she was in, digging into the dirt as you asked about her day and slid in compliments.

Ellie tried her best to be a good worker; she really did. She did her best to ignore those pretty eyes of yours, did her damnedest to look away when you bit your lip and watched her work. But she was only human. Every human had a breaking point, a trip-wire that only took one wrong step to set off and blow everything up. That breaking point had been your pretty sundress on a Wednesday afternoon as you lounged on your front porch, a book tucked in front of your face. Ellie had been standing there, waiting for your father to return from his quick ride to get more supplies for a broken fence. It was too hot that day to even debate standing out in the blistering sun, though the shade of the porch gave little comfort when you raised one of your legs and exposed some of your thighs.

“I love that flannel El,” you said as your nose poked above the paper pages, fingers dipping in between the chapters as you paid little mind to the words. “Come sit with me,” you patted the small sun chair next to you, and Ellie couldn’t help but follow your motion. A few strands of her hair were sticking up as she took a seat next to you, and you didn’t fight the urge to reach forward and press them down. “You gotta stop doing this,” Ellie said suddenly, turning your hand back to your lap. You knew exactly what she meant, but you still blinked as if you were confused. “Doin’ what?” You let your ponytail rest against the back of your chair as you leaned back, heart jumping to your throat as Ellie leaned over from her own space. Those green eyes you had wanted to see up close finally focused on your lips. “Tempting me, I can't..” Ellie swallowed, “Can’t do this.”

You had leaned up a bit, “You think I'm tempting El?” your voice came out slow and sweet, like molasses on her lips. Ellie and you both knew that trip-wire had been stepped directly on. The explosion had been Ellie’s lips crashing into your own, harsh enough that you were left with puffy lips for the rest of the day. She was just as sweet as you imagined, and you were hooked from the first bite against her lip. The two of you only pulled away when you heard the wheels of your father’s car. You knew if he caught you two, all the fun would end.

From there, Ellie was just as bad as you. Her hands found your waist whenever you passed by her in the barn, sneaking behind the buildings to meet you for a few handsy kisses and calloused hands pressing up shirts. Ellie became louder, a more mouthy side escaping her. Usually, it consisted of tumbling swears when you wore something she liked or loud jokes whenever you two were alone. You liked this side of her, always skipping away from your small meetings just as giddy as the first time, cheeks red from laughing.

Ellie began staying a little past sunset, knowing your kind father would invite her for dinner each time. You both knew it was just so she could watch as you and your father set the table, enjoying how you floated around the room only to always land in the seat next to hers. You both enjoyed how her palm always found your thigh under the table, usually rendering you the babbling one for once. Ellie stuck around till the very last minute, and the excellent daughter you were, you always offered to walk her out. The thrill of how easy it would be to get caught only made the goodnight kisses even more, mind-numbing, pressing through the window of her car to find her lips. “G’night, Ellie,” you always whispered through flushed cheeks. “Goodnight, angel,” Ellie always replied.

You often found yourself with a hand over your mouth, pressed against a door or any other surface you found acceptable and quiet. Ellie was talented with her fingers and mouth, and you had fallen victim to being a little too loud many times. It gained this recurring theme of her hand pressing against your lips and cheeks. Ellie hushed you repeatedly, demanding you two couldn’t be caught. The farm was only ever quiet when you two snuck around, mouth against your ear, sweat sticking to both of your bodies as she dragged too many orgasms to count from you.

One particularly sweltering day, your father had packed his trunk and left for the summer farmers market. It left the land to be only occupied by you and Ellie, who worked on the broken wood of the stairs outside your porch. You pushed your window all the way open, drawing the blinds back to let in more air. The heat was sticky in the way you hated— pressing down on your body with its humidity, grasping around your arms and legs like a grabby human, wrapping around you with a blanket you couldn't remove. It drew the hours of the day at a much too slow pace, swearing the minutes on your clock ticked a little slower in the muggy day.

It led you to peer out your window, enjoying the sight of Ellie’s muscles flexing against the white wife beater she wore a little too much. The way, even from up here, you could hear the small grunts of effort she let off had you shifting around in your spot, suddenly even more bogged down with heat.

You could only imagine how hot she must be stuck under the direct sunlight. You debate hollering down to her in a request to distract each other from the heat. Instead, you decide to have a little fun, standing up and directly in front of the open window as you pull your shirt off your body. The excuse you tell yourself is that it’s too warm to deal with the itchy fabric, much cooler in the bra and shorts you now dawned. You could feel a gaze on you from the ground below, and you stretched your arms up and above your head to cure the ache as you turned away from the window. You barely had five minutes before hearing the creaking of your front door.

It didn’t take long for you two to find each other in your room, Ellie pressing through the door. “What are you doing?” she questions, kicking off her boots to keep your pristine floorboards free of dirt. Your arms crossed over your body, shrugging. Watching as her breathing seemed to slow, the white wifebeater she wore just looked even more handsome now that you could see the subtle way it was crumpled and off place from working.

“It’s hot; I'm alone, so I got comfortable. Didn’t think peeping tom would see me,” you tease, stepping a bit closer as you wipe a bead of sweat from her freckled cheek. “You knew I would look,” Ellie muttered, slumping gently into your palm. “Maybe I did,” you nod in agreement, a mischievous smile finding its way to your lips. “Maybe I wanted attention..” you offer, hand moving from her face. The pad of your pointer finger runs over the low collar of her shirt. “Need somethin’ to distract me from the heat while daddy’s still out..”

Ellie huffed, her own hand coming to grip at your hand, pulling it off her chest. “So you teased me, hoping I'd come up and play with you?” She asked, dipping against your cheek to press a soft kiss there, pressing more small pecks until they reached your lips, humming when you pushed needily toward her. “Put me to work in your own way?” she chastises, pulling you close enough for a hand to find your ass, digging her fingers into the fat.

“No,” you shook your head, tilting your chin up. Today you wanted to try something different. Reward Ellie for all the hard work she did for the farm. It was an idea that had been building in your mind for a while, and you licked your lips as you began to describe it, “Wanna make you feel good, Ellie. You’re always makin’ me feel good..”

Ellie chuckled softly, her cheeks already red from the sun outside only worsened at your request, palm moving from the swell of your ass to skim over the small of your back, leaving your skin tingling in its wake. “How would you like to do that, pretty girl?”

Instead of answering her with words, you dropped to your knees in front of her, “want you to let me do this for you,” your comments dragged out, pulling the same way the all-encompassing heat did in your room. The bone of your knees find comfort on the small white rug on the ground as you shuffle. You blink up at her, reveling in how she sucks in a breath.

“Fuck- alright—” Ellie fumbled with her hands on the buckle of her jeans, dropping the dirtied fabric down to pool at her feet. Ellie stepped out of them, and you pushed them away, scrambling to be directly beneath. “You ever done this before, baby?” Ellie questioned, petting your hair softly as you made your own move to tug at her boxers impatiently. You shook your head; eyes focused on the small wet patch of her underwear. “I'm a quick learner, though.”

Ellie huffed in response, unable to meet your eyes when your cheek pressed against her slightly spread thigh. You didn’t mind how the heat only pushed further down on your body at the contact, enjoying this humidity too much. Your lips found her thigh, trying your best to recreate the teasing Ellie often enacted on you when the current roles were reversed. Your teeth scraped over the flesh of her inner thigh, tongue following the indents as you spent a few minutes kissing over each thigh, enjoying how you could tell her center was growing weepier by the second. “Don't fuckin tease,” Ellie breathed eventually, her hand finding your head, guiding it up between her more.

Always looking to please, you don’t put up a fight— tongue poking out to lavish over her pussy, collecting the wetness built there. You pressed your neck into an uncomfortable bend, fingers pulling her thighs apart for a better angle. Taking time with the feeling of her shaking chest reverberating on your face, of the only smell and taste you could feel was her, you licked lazily. You searched around her folds to your content. Only had you sped up when that mouthiness of Ellie returned to the silent house.

“Fuck, such a good mouth on you, angel,” Ellie groaned, tugging harshly at your roots as her hips rocked slightly. “You sure you haven’t done this before?” She asked as if you could reply, pressing further down into you as another wave of wetness spread across your lips and cheeks. “Too fuckin good,” she muttered, head tilting back to let a ragged breath out into the air.

The tongue dipped over her clit, causing another swear out of her lips. “Right there, do that again,” she asked, rewarding you with another soft pet over your hair before fingers wrapped in it again. Your body listened before your kind even could, wet lips wrapping around her bud. “Jesus-” Ellie whined. It sends signals straight through each nerve in your body, raising a deep seeded want to hear that sound again, sucking harshly at her clit and then licking up the slick dripping from her slit again, a fast-paced pattern following. You didn’t mind how sticky you felt, how beads of sweat built where your knees folded, how sore your neck was becoming. What you did care about was the now constant groans falling from Ellie.

“What if your dad could see you now, angel?” Ellie spoke, causing you to press your thighs together at the mere thought of being caught. “His pretty little daughter on her knees for the farm hand, acting like she’s starved for my cunt,” Ellie grits, a harsher grip on the locks of your hair. “What would your daddy think, baby?”

If Ellie had told you her words were magic, you would have believed it with the next set of sounds you both heard. Heavy boots stomping up the stairs. Maybe you had been too focused on your current desire to listen to the gravel road crunching under tires or the flimsy porch door opening in the wind. When a harsh knock comes to your door, a hand yanks you from her thighs, neck tilting to look up at messy auburn hair and flushed cheeks. Ellie’s eyes danced around your glossy lips and cheeks, nearly folding to her own knees when you licked at the wetness on your bottom lip.

“You in there, darling? You seen Ellie? All her tools are here, but I can’t find her. The farmer's market ended early cause’ of the heat.” Both of your bodies froze completely, though Ellie’s legs shook in what you assumed to be nervousness.

Ellie gave another sharp tug to your hair, mouthing for you to answer. Your voice struggles to find a footing that makes it sound steady in your throat as you answer your father, “I'm here, Daddy, just takin a nap. I think Ellie’s out in the south barn, remember her saying she forgot some wood for the stairs there.”

Before you can even consider answering again, Ellie is forcing you back between her thighs, and you happily go back to lapping at her despite the way your heart was falling into the pit of your stomach knowing full well one twist of the doorknob would ruin everything.

“Alright, I’ll let you rest. Gonna do some work in my office,” your dad answered. It's a relief when he doesn’t search for a reply, the creaking floorboard sounding at the same time Ellie can't bite back a softer moan.

The sound of his office door shutting has Ellie a little more confident when her rasping voice sounds, “Want you to make me come before he finds us.” She sighs it out, cheeks almost as wet as yours from the sweat building against the freckles there. You were positive there was nothing prettier.

“Want to soak your face while he’s right next door.”

[thehoardofthegreatdragon]

this bennshanks wip is eating me alive and unlikely to escape the docs soon so plz to eat

---

The day started like this: all the early crew gathered around a table, kicking their ideas against its legs. Bolted down as it was, it didn’t budge. Neither did their problem. 

“I still say we hire a whore,” Yasopp gave, leaning back into a tired chair. 

“No,” Shanks shot down, with the finality it needed. Benn found himself glad, as a whore alone was one hell of a poor idea. “This mission… it’s too risky. We’d put whoever we hired in danger, and risk the information getting loose.”

Yasopp scrubbed at his face. “What if Beckman went with them?”

“Come again?”

“Look at him, boss. He could pass as one of this crowd easily. If we hire a whore to help him blend, it’s a sure fire way in.”

Shanks frowned, eyes catching at Benn’s before flicking down at their map. The map that had far too little information, without some good old fashioned stealing. There wasn’t much for Shanks to be looking at. If Benn was a weaker man, he’d have said Shanks looked jealous. 

Benn tapped a finger across the table. 

“It’s not a bad idea, boss,” he offered, cigarette gone thoughtful on his fingers. “I can keep the hire safe.” 

“It’s not a bad plan, but bringing someone else still doesn’t sit right with me,” Shanks began, and then nearly steady came, “so I’ll play the whore.”

Benn’s cigarette paused, caught in his surprise. 

“Then I’ll be your cover,” Benn said, long before his brain caught up to his tongue, and his cigarette broke the surprise. 

“You always are,” Shanks said, wry enough to be a complaint. His eyes burned just like they had six years ago, when he’d given that first order. Unsure, too. Shanks looked unsure. 

Benn was perilously close to noticing how pretty his captain was.

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

Ok but Dick is so big brother shaped. Plz give the kid a sibling.

The trials of working for a young married couple with a child, Alfred sighed. Some of the things he'd clearly forgotten in the intervening years.

And he wasn't sure what was worse. Walking in on a private conversation or walking in on said married couple in- or about to be in a compromising position. But he did know there was a third worse option that was a mix of both.

Still. At least everyone was still mostly clothed. And he wouldn't need to see if his insurance benefits covered therapy.

Whatever the precipitating factors were didn't matter. He was sure it would all come out eventually. Though he had suspicions.

Bruce had been obnoxiously fussy where you were concerned. Even more than normal.

So either a spat had been resolved or he'd decided you were terminally ill.

He glanced up from getting the stains out of Dick's school uniform and quirked an eyebrow but other wise said nothing as you loaded the washing machine- you perfered to wash your own intimates and he didn't blame you. Even if he wasn't phased. But from his understanding, you'd been doing laundry since you were 8. So- it was probably equal parts it being weird to have someone else washing your undergarments and having some sense of normalcy. Either way it was less work for the staff- something they appreciated.

"You're home early," he observed watching you start folding shirts- he wasn't sure how many jobs you'd worked but he suspected a considerable amount of retail.

"I've been working from upstairs," you tell him. "Working at the office has been making things... distracting for everone."

"Ah yes. The unintended consequences of the lime light."

"I'm not sure why interviews keep going viral-"

"It's not the interviews," Alfred snorted. "People find you fascinating."

When you roll your eyes he smiled just a little. You seemed to have a very inaccurate picture of yourself outside of a courtroom. You were charming. And had enough wits about you to keep up with Bruce- in his public persona or out of it. To the outside you looked like an odd couple. A lawyer with a deadpan biting wit and a reformed playboy... He could see the appeal of you. Why people still fixated on you.

"Well calling my office is rude," you tell him. "Particularly when we can't unlist the number."

"Yes that is annoying I'd imagine; how-"

"I have a secretary filter calls. Interview requests and weirdos get rerouted to wherever all the PR shit goes and Ranga sends me anything important."

He nodded. He'd never considered how you'd managed to get anything done working from home. But it made sense.

"How many socks can this kid run through?" you muse, folding what felt like the 50th pair.

"It is an eternal mystery. How every child I've ever known winds up with so many mismatched socks."

"That's why I just bought socks that it didn't matter if they matched- until I was in law school it was a good day and I was on my A game if they came out of the same pack."

Alfred shuddered reflexively and wondered if you still did that, he'd never paid attention to your socks.

"Alfred where is- Oh hey Y/N," Dick said, "Bruce wants you."

"Why?" you ask, returning his one armed hug when he skipped over.

He shrugged, "Didn't ask."

"Rude."

He grinned, "You piss people off today?"

"Language. And just Gordon- that doesn't count."

"How come?"

"ACAB until they stop beating up civilians and taking bribes, Dickie.""

"Please don't say that in interviews, someone will shoot you," Dick said. "This is like the longest it's bee since someone tried to shoot you. B finally stopped trying to hire bodyguards."

"Pretty sure they could get bribed, baby bird."

"I couldn't-"

"I bribe you all the time," you tell him, ruffling his hair.

"It's not a bribe if you do it before I act up. It's just an incentive," he huffed.

"True enough, finish folding your socks," you tell him swooping down to kiss his cheek before going to find Bruce.

[neverwalka1one]

Magnus Protocol 27

Yes I skipped making one of these for 26, it was a week and a half and mostly it consisted of me going 'plz stop poking the Spiral Lady she might eat you' at Celia, so.

Kidnapping/consumption, there is no way that classification can mean good things, nope.

Sam just kind of... sucks at grunt work. Like. I know he never meant to do a busywork type of job, this was a fallback, but... look. If Lena wasn't bound and determined to Not Have To Hire More People, Sam would be out on his ass in a week. You don't get that sassy with an overbearing manager and not eat asphalt. Sam, that's a clue, take it, please, omg.

Lena is tidying away Colin's files. Can someone get us proof of life on Colin?

$10 says Lena's planning on feeding Sam to one of the externals.

Oh Gwen, living down to middle manager tropes are we?

Hi Augustus, horrible to hear you, what ye olde times horror do you have for us you utter psychopath?

Strong alchemy vibes, gotta love it

So the institute is instituting (Magnussing?) by committee, I think I'm seeing why the Institute didn't overpower this world.

.... this is Jonah Magnus. THIS IS JONAH MAGNUS HI JONAH YOU ASS WHERE DID YOU PUT JON AND MARTIN

The eeeeeeeeeeeeeeye [snork] dude, stahp.

... uh. That coach ate a dude.

Hey Magnus. Magnus. Go get et by a coach.

Boyle! I got that reference. And Boyle is from the same time as Newton, so like... what, is this a committee you get to join because you inherited a seat? What, my daddy's rich and in this secret society I am too? .... actually nm that's pretty on point.

So if Boyle and Newton are from late 1600's (ish), and these letters are from nearly 200 years later... were there earlier Magnuses? It sounds like the institute is being named after him personally, so if there were, why is he so special? If there weren't, how did he get into the >200 year old rich boy's club? Why is it still a committee? Or was Newton more part of what the government bit is, that wipes Institute-esque things off the map when they get too powerful? Halp.

Jonah Magnus magnussing over here feeding his colleague to a coach with very little to no remorse I applaud Archibald (who tragically does not appear to be a real person) for spending his last moments cussing out Jonah Magnus.

Jonah has figured out about the Fears. Smirke's coming up next, isn't he? Oh no.

'Do you ever get weird emails' '[deadpan] I'm openly trans on the internet.' Read her to filth, Alice. Get her ass.

'We're not doing this now.' Doing whaaaat, Gwen? Sorta hate-flirting? Approaching romance sidelong like it might bite? C'mon, you were having fun.

Nooooooooo not the breakrooooooooooooooooooom FINE I'll break out the transcripts.

'What was that?' 'That was sex, Sam.' OOF. Sam, my shrimp king, never let Alice know Celia said that, even in jest, she'll roast you forever. Also 'pretty decent' sex? Damned by faint praise much? Or is this one of those 'if I vaguely praise it it was awesome, but if I'm very enthusiastic I think it was trash' British things?

Trevor Herbert is the MP????? That hobo-ass vampire slayer? Oh god, at least he'll get on with Lady Mowbrey.

Nope, still hung up on TREVOR being an elected official, I can't, help.

Whoop, Celia is spooked by the Archivist, what, you didn't clue in... ohhhh. oh no. She didn't hear the story last week. With the eyes. hahaha oh no.

Oh sure Celia, you just 'happen' to find the Hilltop Road property, just coinkidink, yup, just got a 'feeling' about it, yah-huh. If there are spiders there I'm going to be yelling so loud.

[baeleigh]

This has bugged me for a while but before i get into it i want to say up front that all kinds of representation for all kinds of people is incredibly important, this is just my opinion through my lense of my personal experience being trans and consuming trans content. I hope that would be common sense but i know if i dont write this someones going to get pissy with me for god knows what.

With that out of the way,

I have been trying to hunt out and consume as much trans media as i can (at least in genres and forms that i tend to enjoy reading/viewing) and one thing i see to an insane degree is trans women being portreyed with predominantly masculine features or even being played by cis men in drag. On one hand i think "hey ill take what i can get" but on the other i think thats a fucking low bar. Now i know that there is a significant portion of trans women with fairly masculine features, and i cannot stress this enough that there is nothing wrong with that, everyone is different, everyone transitions diferently and the end goals for everyone varies wildly.

My issue is that while i love that there is more trans rep in general the fact that most characters ive seen are portreyed in a very masculine way (especially if a character is explicitly stated as being on hrt/medically transitioning for years) it sometimes rough to consume as someone who places a lot of importance on myself passing. When most forms of representation portray who you are as the physical flaws that have tormented you for 20+ years it hurts. I dont want there to be less of these portrayals at all, i just want more rep closer to my experience.

While comics and art i push past because i want to enjoy the stories included, i cant say the same about movies. It irks me how almost anytime i hear about a movie with a predominant/main trans fem character its played by a cis male actor; i get they can do it well, ive heared people complement some performances greatly, but i mean... could they not hire a trans actress? I know theyre around ive seen them on screen, hire them. The disinterest i feel when i see that a famous cis male actor is portraying a trans woman is palpable. Hire more trans actors.

Now im sure theyre are plenty of examples of what im looking for, god i hope so. Hopefully ive just been unlucky in my search.

I would like to add that one of my fave examples of rep i feel resonates with me and the one that came to my head first is Olive from "My Dragon Girlfriend" by Fawndoo on webtoons, i freaking love her. Plz show it some love ❤️

https://www.webtoons.com/en/canvas/my-dragon-girlfriend/list?title_no=162918

Im aware that my post talks pretty much exclusively about trans fem rep and theres a reason for that: i am a trans woman and a massive dyke who prodiminanly devours lesbian romance fiction so honesly i have no leg to stand on as i have little to no idea what the rep is for trans men & enbys.

Anyway thats my personal experience with trans media. goodnight, sleep tight

[danepopfrippery]

Someone had a ‘what happens if we got nandermo’ and i didnt want to blaaah all over their post so id say:

I think it has a lot of potential but also it would be easy to fuck up. The firsts would be fun, combined w Guillermo has barely dated and Nandor hasnt dated minus his bachelor djinn thing in many years.

Nvm Nandor did show last season that he was willing to learn about Guillermo but Guillermo had kept things from him (like his moms bday). Yeah nandor cant safely be around his family but he has a djinn…maybe he can wish for it so he can be a mamas boy again (nvm its open ended if his mother is alive w the everyone was vampires comment. Id love a flashback to him bawling his eyes out to mommy about how the guy jilted him)

Not only do u have to fix the power imbalance (unless they are…into it buuut maybe they are) but figure out how to be equal. Bam laszlo as a couples therapist to them PLZ.

Then of course they’ll eventually annoy each other and fight. Maybe even split and rebound. And u know nandor romancing has to be hilarious. Hes going to be way too extra and clingy.

Then factor in if u minus nandermo and now Guillermo is a vampire combo, that opens them up for more stupid group shit like the news ep.

Nvm you know they’ll totally be the ed and stede couple who has to one up each other, so one does something stupid the other has to do stupider.

I think theres a lot of potential, and that they should hire me to write for them :p. Just hope they wont fuck it up

[the-weeping-author]

Upcoming snippet

Hiii! This is from an upcoming collab with @fuwushiguro I'm so so sorry it's taken me forever to write this, life has been totally crazy.. however I will be posting this soon, plz let me know what you think in the comments. (Plz be nice) ❤️

Someone honking their horn took me away from my lingering thoughts, I saw the light was green so I continued to the store. When I arrived I saw Sophie along with some newer hires showing them the ropes, I smiled then got out of my car locking the doors before going inside. The smell of coffee, and fresh pastries greeted me as the door shut behind me. Sophie's back was turned away from me while she showed them how to grind the beans for the espresso. 

"Welcome to Y/n's cafe give me one moment, and I'll be right with you." 

I approached the counter, then smiled widely as I leaned against it. 

"Alright, take your time." 

When she finally turned around she quickly narrowed her eyes at me before she shook her head. 

"I thought you were a customer, where have you been? Someone was outside of the shop this morning and they thought I was you when I first got here." 

I furrowed my eyebrows at her before straightening up a bit. 

"Looking for me? Did they say what they needed?" 

She shook her head at me before giving me a tired smile. 

"Yep he asked me if I was you, and then when I informed him I wasn't he asked when you were going to be back to which I responded with I had no clue so he took a picture of the door then left." 

My stomach turned anxiously as I listened to her, I raised an eyebrow at her, then picked the apron off the hook. I tied the apron around my body, then I walked behind the register. I adjusted the name tag at the top of the apron then got ready to start the day before carrying on the conversation.

"Well Sophie I wouldn't worry about it too much if he didn't say what he wanted-."

"Oh trust me he said what he wanted, it just wasn't here at the time, but I'm sure he'll be back for it later."

[hermanunworthy]

!DNDADS S2 EP44 SPOILERS!

aTONYment??? what does pepperoni tony have to so w this. oh my god are they gonna visit him in heaven or something. wtf is happening. guess i gotta listen and find out (im scared)

- BETH PLAYING AS NPC BETH MAY

- "ron... what ARE we?" WTF IS HAPPENINGGG

- ROGUE TAYLOR??????

- MORE GOOFY FREDDIE NUMBERS IM EXCITED

- NO NO DONT SAY THE LINCOLN FACT AS LINCOLN THATS GONNA MAKE ME SAD

- WILL IS SO SILLY i love that man

- i like the energy at the start of this one its fun

- wait is anthony doing a regular dad fact

- ANTHONY. 😭

- FREDDIE DEATH SOUND MY BELOVED

- DID LINCOLN JUST CALL HIS GRANDPA ZADDY. NEVER AGAIN

- "i had more fun in the other place" GREASE CAR FLASHBACKS.

- OMG EARLY HERMIE APPEARANCE (i choked on my food)

- "no! we cant! my scene partner!" they are so besties (worsties)

- "MY FUTURE LIFE PARTNER" HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK OAKWORTHY CRUMBS. OH M GOD . FUTURE LIFE PARTNER.

- MEATBALL SCARY

- TERRY JR SOON. GUYS

- oh wow beth hasnt cast unseen servant since. goth

- ANTHONYS BABY VOICE

- so lincoln is looking for the eleanor shellstrop okay (this whole heaven/hell stuff has just constantly been reminding me of tgp)

- "he looks up at them asianly" has the same energy as the "cries in spanish" meme

- FREDDIES LITTLE SONG HAS ME SCREAMINGGGG

- ARE TJEY ACTUALLY GONNA FIND TONY. OH MY GOD

- WOW ALL U GUYS THAT WERE JUST TELLING ME HOW U MISS PEPPERONI TONY. HOW ARE YALL FEELING

- SCARY HAS A CHANCE TO APOLOGIZE.

- 4:30 MILE IS ACTUALLY INSANE. MATT.

- HOW DID WILL FORGET THAT SOCCER IS LINKS WHOLE THING

- GOD LINK CALLING NORMAL OUTTT

- HERMIE. FUCK OFFFFF

- SPARROW OFFERING NORMAL A HUG????

- FUUUUUCK. NORMAL

- help i would like to interrupt for just a sec to say that in the middle of the episode just now i got hired at spirit halloween. dndads reference GAKDJD

- TONY WAS WAITING FOR MARGARITA WAAAAA

- SCARY SOUNDS SO NERVOUS NOBODY HMU

- IM GONNA CRY. I CANT DO THIS

- PLZZZZ LET THEM SEE MARGARITA AGAIN PLZZZ

- SCARY WHY WOULD U ASK IF IT HURT :[[

- WHAT IS THE VIBE OF THIS SCENE. HELP

- NOOOO I NEED SCARY AND MARGARITA TO INTERACT AGAIN. THEY ARE GFS

- SCARY CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT....

- THEY ARE BEING SO AWFUL TO NORMAL. QUIT IT

- SCARYS TALKING ABOUT TERRY. END ME

- "he never knew me when i was someone to be proud of" OOOUGHGHHH

- IF THAT FUCKING SWORD GOT INTO HERMIES HANDS. THEY WOULD BE UNSTOPPABLE

- NORMAL. BURIES MY HEAD IN THE FUCKING DIRT

- ooo normal dragging the sword would make cool fanart

- i honestly love salty normal but it also makes me really sad

- SCARY DIDNT INCLUDE HERMIE AMONG HER SPOUSES????

- TY WILL FOR REMEMBERING NICKY

- TAYLOR DEFENDING HIS DAD AWWW

- WTF IS THIS FIGHT???? HELLO??

- IS NORMAL FINALLY SNAPPING. IS THIS HAPPENING

- "I AM JEALOUS I DONT HAVE ANY COOL DYNAMICS W ANYBODY!!!" FUUUUUUCKK

- i cant do this i feel sick im SICK

- "why are they arguing i thought they liked each other" WHAT IF I BURST INTO TEARS RN.

- THE NORMAL ANGST IN THIS EPISODE IS TOOOO MUCH FOR ME

- NORMAL PUT THE MASCOT COSTUME BACK ON. FUCK. FUCK

- "ME AND MY THREE BEST FRIENDS AND MY FUTURE BOYFRIEND" GUYS. GUYS I CANNOT DO THIS

- THESE KIDS ARE SOOOO TRAUMATIZED WHAT THE HELLLL

- OH RON WAS IN SCARYS POCKET

- TERRY IS IN THE "PLANES OF MISERY"????

- "maybe he saw what u could be" BETH.....

- LINKS TRYING TO TALK TO NORMAL AGAIN PLZ END MY SUFFERING

- TERRY AND GLENN ARE FUCKING FIGHTING EACH OTHER????? WHATTTT

- OH NEXT EPISODE IS GONNA BE WIIIIIILD DUUUDE