#something about seeing this moment of his life from a third party perspective hits just right

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a commonplace book: may retrospective

what's up ladles and germs, i spent the month of may out of town and jumping in and out of wifi coverage, so this post is has been a long time coming!

reading brought rebecca roanhorse's black sun with me on this trip, started and finished the whole thing on various trains in france. loved the main four pov characters, didn't quite get into it until after the first third or so, but all of the details and worldbuilding were terrific. i can never get enough of a third-party perspective on a character, so seeing serapio through xiala's narration was *chef's kiss* and helped me care so much more about him than his own pov, actually. i wasn't at all convinced by the flash-forward / flash-back introduction of naranpa's situation initially (the conversation she remembers with her parents just felt stilted), but doggone it by the time we came full circle and i saw how the dramatic irony was working, i was onboard. got a kick out of trying to place the different cites around the 'crescent sea' aka gulf, which may not have been correct but was fun.excited to see book two.

honorable mention in this section to the paying guests, sarah waters, which i bought from a charity shop for £2 while visiting bath UK (also at that charity shop: a set of porcelain egg cups!!). how different life might have been if i'd been able to read sarah waters younger in life.

listening downloaded to my phone for train rides, metro rides, walks across the countryside of different countries, etc.: florence + the machine's dance fever (2022) and the eurovision 2022 playlist. i don't have developed dance fever thoughts (except that...the aesthetic for the videos/album art feels more cohesive and possibly more successful than the album? but i did like it?) but i thoroughly enjoy 'free' and 'daffodil', and there are times when 'cassandra' really does hit. apparently she worked with jack antonoff on this album; things i learned while researching this post. i wasn't swayed by the spoken moments, all that much, but 'heaven is here' is somehow captivating? 'king' remains the standout; i do in fact need my bloody sword etc.

my eurovision thoughts are that everyone should go watch the performances by serbia (konstrakta, 'in corpore sano') and norway (subwoolfer, 'give that wolf a banana'), like, right now. watch them again if you saw them live. also here's a look at the lyrics and message of 'in corpore sano,' which, yes. and my other thought is that, this year, i actually might go out and listen to the other works by a bunch of these eurovision artists, which i realize is?? probably the actual goal of the contest???

watching finished our flag means death in my buddy's hotel room in london, watched the majority of my brilliant friend: those who leave and those who stay in various hostels with @hematiterings (series thoughts in the next post!), and tried to keep up with strange new worlds when we could. this version of spock entertains me. ofmd was good, i had managed not to be spoiled for the ending.not sure i can find a comment or common thread for these three, but, shows with friends = good. especially when you're footsore and far from home. actually i do have something, showing new trek / uhura to a nontrekkie linguistics person was hilarious.

playing fallow month.

making i may not bullet journal, but i sure did accumulate a stack of interesting things to stick into a hypothetical future scrapbook of some kind. and stickers! I made some good food the week i spent in maine (lots of chicken, an eggplant stir fry that i did have to throw out when i broke the container and got glass in the leftovers, absolutely tragic)

working on this month was the month of Archives Visits so what i made were reservations and emails and notes and pictures of manuscripts. turned out okay though :D EDIT: totally forgot but while traveling i did a zoom interview for, and then found out i had gotten, a small fellowship at my institution for next year. please clap!

[thedamageofherdays]

This week's (16-08-2021 - 22-08-2021) reading log is here. This week's reading log is super duper long and filled with lots of good things (my apologies for the long post, I really could not find a good spot to do a read more). I discovered some new favourites and re-read some old favourites and while I had an intense week personally at least the fics I read were absolutely phenomenal. I do recommend checking out the warnings as some fics are a bit heavier/angstier and you might wanna be prepared. Most of these fics are Stucky but there are a couple of other ships in between.

If you are looking for more fun and/or good things make sure to check out the @marveldisabilitycelebration as well to see all the awesome art, fics, meta, etcetera people created! And while I am mentioning events I am a mod for let me also just quickly mention that sign-ups for the @stuckygiftexchange are still open until the end of the month <3

Favourites are marked with a 🌻 Fics that are only available to AO3 users are marked with a 🔒 and Tumblr fics are marked with a 🍀

🌻 The Bends by dreamsinthewitchouse @dreamsinthewitchouse [Danbeau, side Stucky, 2k words, Teen]

Memory is not a house you can just walk back into after finding the key you thought you’d lost. It’s a thing you wade into and out of, rewriting it as it rewrites you.

It’s not without its rewards, either - recovering a memory about Maria and Monica, about her life, feels better than socking a thousand bad guys in the face, better than all the photon blasts in the world.

Then again, realising there’s still memories she can’t access, even after all this time, feels like drowning in space.

Not the one out there - the one inside her.

🌻 Sweet & Salty by musette22 @musette22 [Stucky, 3k words, Teen]

Idiots in love. That's it. That's the fic.

When life gives you lemons by moonythejedi394 @moonythejedi394 [Stucky, 34k words, Explicit] (11/15 chapters)

Or 13 Terrible Things to Do With Lemons Other Than Making Lemonade

Steve Rogers is a home health nurse. He works for an agency, which assigned him to the aging Winifred Barnes, the one and only Silent Era Hollywood darling. As her needs increased, she requested the agency assign Steve to her full-time. She could pay for it, so she got it. Steve then moved in with her, becoming her caregiver; he cooked, he cleaned, he managed her medications, he made sure she was comfortable.

Winifred's children treated him less than ideally. He was the help, after all. And then Steve had the audacity to go and turn out to be eldest son James Barnes's soulmate. No one saw that coming.

🍀 SamRhodey Tumblr Fic by ipoiledi [SamRhodey, ? words, Teen?]

“Wilson, this is Rhodey; Rhodey, Wilson,” Tony Stark says, and suddenly some six foot tall sexy guy is shoved right in front of Sam, and they both stumble a little, bumping into each other. This is a crowded party. “You guys have things in common, right?” Stark asks. “Uh, Army stuff. Talk about that. I hate wallflowers; stop wallflowering and talk to each other.”

Shorteralls by moonythejedi394 [Stucky, 6k words, Explicit]

The first time Bucky ever saw Steve Rogers, he was struck by how Neanderthal-like his response was. It was immediately followed by a bout of mental scolding. The second time was just about the same. The third time, it was actually appropriate for Bucky to start a conversation with him, at which point he was determined to be the gentleman.

No such luck. Steve Rogers is, always has been and always will be, a relentless flirt. These days, Bucky's Neanderthal-ist feelings about Steve are consensual and highly appreciated. More so now that they're having a baby.

what the fuck are perfect places anyway by tigerlilycorinne [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

Steve clears his throat and stands. “Well, I should head in. I might want to begin packing.”

Bucky stills. “You won’t,” he says, trying to sound commanding. It only comes out uncertain. “Don’t.”

Steve shakes his head. “Maybe not tonight,” he says, and Bucky knows they’ll be discussing this again soon.

“Then stay. Play… play cards with me or something.”

Steve’s eyebrows jump up, his mouth tugging up in another of his bemused smiles that do things to Bucky’s insides, but he drops his hand from the doorway and steps back into Bucky’s room. Somehow, Bucky feels as if he’s won—not the war, just the battle.

Steve won’t stay forever. But he’ll stay for cards.

Steve and Bucky, on the run after Civil War (with a few alterations to canon), are laying low in Wakanda. But they can’t stay there forever.

🌻 honestly thought i’d be dead by now, but what you can trust is that i need your touch by moonythejedi394 [Stucky, 105k words, Explicit]

Bucky is 37 years old; he’s unmarried, hasn’t had a Sub of his own, is definitely not ripped, comfortable at his job as an Advanced Practice RN at Brooklyn General ER, and just got his Five Years coin from AA.

Steve is 26 years old; he’s unmarried, his last and only Dom has Alzheimer's, he's worryingly muscular, uncomfortable in his job as the government’s poster Alpha for masculinity and strength, and worries more than he should about his BMI.

Unfortunately, Steve and Bucky meet initially in a not-cute moment. Bucky’s tired as shit thanks to the sudden alien invasion that shook New York and Steve is tired as shit because he hasn’t slept more than 20 minutes at a time in – well, since 1936, probably. Bucky’s Alpha instincts get irritated at the sudden presence of another "Alpha" into his territory and Steve’s suppressed submissive tendencies latch onto this grumpy bachelor Alpha and he only suppresses it further.

Bucky’s grumpiness and Steve’s duckling impressionism aside, both of them are a mess. But since both of them are a mess? Their messes seem to fit pretty well together.

Deep Sea Diving by Aida Ronan [Stucky, 5k words, Explicit]

Steve's wallowing in heat-related misery under a shade tree in Central Park when a man walks by in bright red booty shorts and a crop top. RIP Steve Rogers. It was nice knowing you.

honey, make this easy by steebadore [Stucky, 8k words, Explicit]

Bucky likes the way he looks. His silk button up with the tiny gold polka dots feels soft on his skin and is tailored perfectly; no pulling at his chest or belly. His hair falls in shiny dark waves and his skin is smooth and dewy. He looks expensive. He looks taken care of. He looks like Steve’s.

🌻 let's take it back to the start by howdoyousleep @howdoyousleep3 [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

How it all began.

This sleepwalking through my life. by barthelme [Stucky, 1k words, Explicit]

The internet is an interesting place and when Bucky came home (or, when he came to live with Steve), Steve did a lot of research. Apparently, it’s not safe to wake a sleepwalker. He assumes that waking a sleepwalker with traumatic dreams and PTSD is beyond just being frowned upon.

And he tells himself--has told himself--that this is safer for Bucky. That if he were to stop him and wake him up, that Bucky would be mortified to be slurping on his best friend’s cock. That all of the improvements he’s made would be lost, would be repressed, would be just--

They’d be back at square one.

So he lets Bucky do it.

🌻 the way i've been craving by howdoyousleep [Stucky, 3k words, Explicit]

"Lunch break at 12:30. My office. Hope you’re hungry…"

It’s the ellipsis that sends Bucky’s insides swimming warmly, his heart beating twice as fast against his ribs where he sits in class. Senator Rogers is concise, direct, to the point. Without an ellipsis this is lunch, this is a meeting. With it though?

This is a booty call.

nasty but classy by howdoyousleep [Stucky, 4k words, Explicit]

“No, you don’t have to know the purpose, that doesn’t matter. Nat showed me this challenge where couples drink a lot of wine and get drunk together but they can’t touch each other. And whoever touches the other first has to...has to give the other head.”

🌻 Put It on Repeat, It Stays the Same by giselleslash [Stucky, 20k words, Explicit]

Steve and Bucky have a one night stand that turns into a friends with benefits situation. A weekend snowed in at Bucky’s apartment brings to light how much that really doesn’t suit either one of them.

Greetings to the New Brunette by victoria_p (musesfool) [Stucky, 10k words, General]

"You said he should have a hobby. That it would help."

"I meant, like, knitting or coin collecting. Motocross, if he was feeling antsy. A baby's not a hobby. It's lifetime commitment."

🌻 Rogers & Barnes: Partners by triedunture [Stucky, 10k words, Teen]

Steve and Bucky have to pose as a couple for a mission. Nat insists it really is the only option. She's checked.

The complication: unbeknownst to even Natasha, Steve and Bucky's friendship has been rocky ever since Bucky confessed his tender feelings and Steve left him out in the cold. Can asexual, completely-in-love-with-his-angry-best-friend Steve complete the mission and win Bucky's heart?

(The answer is yes. Yay!)

this will be our year (took a long time to come) by biblionerd07 [Stucky, 4k words, General]

Bucky's therapist is worried he's using Steve as a crutch and wants him to try going on outings without Steve. It wouldn't be terrible, honestly, if Bucky could just manage to open his mouth and say something to Steve.

I'll hold my breath by Little_Lottie (tfwatson) [Stucky, 8k words, Mature]

Sometimes Bucky’s hands flex in Steve's direction. Neither of them knows exactly why, but at least one of them has a hunch.

Bucky touches everything but Steve, even though Steve is all he really wants to touch.

Start from the Beginning by Mumble_Bee [Stucky, 13k words, Explicit]

What about a sex pollen fic where the pollen-ed one doesn’t remember getting hit in the face with a sex flower, and wakes up midway through the depollenating?

Or: the one where Steve wakes up on his back with a stranger buried balls-deep in his ass.

Match by emphasisonem [Stucky, 4k words, Mature]

The situation’s actually kind of funny from the right perspective, Bucky thinks as he reads the message for what feels like the hundredth time. He’s finally matched with a hot, funny guy. Tall and broad and clean cut. An absolutely breathtaking smile. Bucky’s walking wet dream. And he’s good. They haven’t messaged on the app, but Bucky already knows him.

He knows him because Steve Rogers is an art history professor at his university. His art history professor.

Best friends and married since childhood by StuckySituation [Stucky, 1k words, General]

Inspired by @/peterssquill's post in tumblr: "bucky and steve got married on the playground when they were like eight and though neither of them would ever admit it to anyone, even each other, they still consider it official"

~♥~ ♥~ ♥~

“Natasha, stop trying to set me up with every woman you meet, I’m-”

“Too shy? Too scared?”

“No, I’m-”

“Too busy? You’re mostly retired these days, not a good excuse anymore.” Natasha smirks and then drawls: “Or just too gay?”

Steve flushes at that, even if isn’t true -- he’s bisexual, not gay. “Let it go, Nat, I’m not looking for anything. I’m already married, for fuck’s sake.”

Clearly not what she expected. “What.”

Steve grimaces. He didn’t mean to tell anyone that, ever.

“Sorry, can’t talk about it right now!” he says and jumps out of the plane.

Nobody Should Be Alone on a Holiday by emphasisonem [Stucky, 2k words, Teen]

“So, um-” Bucky begins speaking again, pulling Steve from his less-than-work-appropriate thoughts. The brunet has shoved his hands into the pockets of his dark slacks, and he’s shifting from one foot to the other as he smiles shyly. “I have a question for you.”

“Shoot,” Steve grins, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his broad chest. Bucky swallows deeply as one of his hands comes up to pull at the collar of his button-up, and Steve can’t help following the motion of his Adam’s apple.

“I was, uh-” Bucky continues- “That is, I heard you don’t have Thanksgiving plans?”

In which Bucky finds out that Steve's going to be alone on Thanksgiving and invites his coworker to spend the holiday with him.

🌻 It's Been A Long Season Through by thiccbuckybarnes @thiccbuckybarnesfic [Stucky, 49k words, Explicit]

Bucky Barnes is in desperate need of a change in scenery, which is why he makes the foolhardy decision to quit his job, leave his asshole of a fiance, pack up his life, and move to his grandfather’s old farm all within a single day.

He expects confusion, hardship, and maybe even failure. But love? He wasn’t expecting that.

--

Or, a Stucky Stardew Valley AU that nobody but me wanted and that’s ok.

oh, peach pit, where'd the hours go? by thiccbuckybarnes [Stucky, 10k words, Explicit]

Can't see the forest for the trees.

--

Or, Steve learns that just because he and Bucky got their happily ever after, it doesn’t mean the past won’t come back to bite them.

I'll find my way by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 725 words, Teen]

Steve had watched Bucky fall, and nothing had been the same since.

AU-gust day 19: Daemons

special delivery by glim @glim [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

It's not that Steve's bad at taking care of himself when he gets sick; he just wishes he didn't have to all the time.

At least he can order most of what he needs online. That's some small comfort, that he can have soup and ice cream and everything else brought to his door.

at first chance i'd take the bed warmed by the body by spacebuck @spacebuck [Stucky, 8k words, Explicit]

This close, Steve can see exactly how beautiful his hands are. He’s never really noticed before, or at least he’s never really had a reason to notice, but the man’s hands are large, tanned like he works outside all day. There’s an endearing callus on the heel of one of his palms, and Steve can’t quite work out when calluses became endearing.

Steve pauses the video. Swallows hard. Casts his eyes around for anything that’ll keep his mind off the hands on his screen, off the words inked into those hands, the delicate shape of a bird’s wing, the curling edge of a vine.

He looks down. The name of the channel is right there, blaring the man’s name right into Steve’s brain until it feels like he’s known it all along.

Bucky Barnes.

OR: the one where Bucky's a youtuber who solves puzzles on camera, and steve's smitten and horny

🌻 Rock On! by millesable @marvelousescapism [Clintasha, 700 words, General]

“Hey, Romanoff!”

He lifted his hand, index finger and pinky finger raised, thumb out, all other fingers tucked. Their secret sign; their confession for the world to see, safe in the knowledge that the world wasn’t listening.

“Rock on!”

🌻 You Like the Way I Look by dontcallmebree @iamthe-wo-manwhocan [Stucky, 2k words, Explicit]

Bucky sidles up to him, hand boldly coming to rest on his chest. “What about you, big guy? Care for a dance?” Steve watches Bucky’s eyes twinkle with satisfaction, somehow already knowing he’s got Steve on the hook.

A decade out of the ice, Steve Rogers returns to New York. Reeling from a battle against the Chitauri, a night with the troublesome Bucky Barnes might be just what he needs.

Join the Rebellion by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 765 words, Teen]

Bucky knew he shouldn't be out after curfew, but he couldn't resist the urge. He didn’t know where he was going, but he knew it was where he wanted to be.

AU-gust day 20: Dystopia

🔒 Five Days in December by mywingsareonwheels @mywingsareonwheels [Evanstan, 4k words, Teen]

“Shit shit shit shit...” muttered Chris to himself, glad that the sound of piped Christmas carols was drowning out his swearing amid the picture books. Most of the store was heaving even though it was Sunday, he’d been recognised at least three times, finding presents for all of his nieces and nephews was proving far more of a headache than expected, and he’d just sent a pile of copies of "Strictly No Elephants" tumbling off the bookshelf.

He scrambled about trying to pick them all up, and then dropped them again as someone bumped right into his backside. He lost his balance, caught himself against a bookcase, and a landslide of "Carter Is a Painter’s Cat" joined "Strictly No Elephants" on the floor. He yelped.

“Ah fuck, I’m so sorry… Chris!”

* * * * * * * * * *

London, December 2021. Amid cats, books, and the cold English drizzle, Chris finds everything he was hoping for and thought he would never have.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Reaching for Fire by dixons_mama @dixons-mama [Stucky, 7k words, Explicit]

Bucky has always felt a fire in his heart (and other body parts) when it came to his boss, Steve Rogers, but he's made sure to never feed those flames. When he finds out about Steve's second job, though, he's tempted to let that fire out.

i've been dreaming of a face like yours by thiccbuckybarnes [Stucky, 3k words, Explicit]

Bucky is about to busy himself with making a small dinner for himself when he stops in his tracks at the figure drinking a cup of coffee in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and smirking at him.

It’s Steve.

“Surprise, sweet boy,” he says before setting his cup down.

--

Or, PWP reunion sex

🌻 Somewhere, Under Your Skin by thiccbuckybarnes [Stucky, 16k words, Explicit]

Bucky Barnes treats himself to a one-night stand after having a very bad no good day.

The sex is good--great, even. Might be the best sex of his life.

But Bucky wouldn’t have slept with the guy if he had known that he was going to continuously run into him every day for the next fucking month.

--

Or, a Big Grump Bucky has a hot one night stand with a college kid who is popping up everywhere in his everyday life and he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

(Written for HYBB Bingo Square: Grumpy Bucky)

i've played heartstrings before but not in your key by thiccbuckybarnes [Stucky, 11k words, Explicit]

He glances down, seeing a folded couple of papers, before peering up at Bucky. The older man is biting his bottom lip, making it pretty and red. Steve wants to run his tongue across where his teeth are digging into his flesh.

"What's this?" Steve asks, setting his phone down, emails forgotten. Bucky shrugs and looks away.

"I dunno. You tell me, genius," he says, sounding bratty enough that it makes Steve's dick twitch in his pants. Jesus, there has to be something wrong with him.

Steve glances once more at Bucky, who now has his arms crossed against his chest and is pointedly not looking at Steve, before picking up the stack of folded papers. He opens them, seeing a collection of maybe five or six sheets of paper. His eyes immediately land on the list of familiar words with negative next to each one. -- Or, Steve Rogers is a jealous, possessive little shit that wants nothing more than to mark up his boyfriend and stake his claim. And Bucky knows it. (And he likes it.)

🌻 I'm Home (With You) by BonkyBornes @padfoot-and-the-marauders [Stucky, 2k words, General]

In any other circumstance, the apartment would've been perfect. But it was today, and the fact that he was here meant he wasn’t out searching. He knew they hadn’t had any leads for weeks and he knew Natasha was right; all three of them were exhausted and a break would do them good. It just felt wrong to Steve that he was comfortable while Bucky was still out there—somewhere. Probably cold. Probably hungry.

The knock came again. Sighing, Steve unwrapped his hand from the dog tags and remembered how to move. Cold wind and snow greeted him when he opened the door. The solitary figure was walking down the steps, collar popped against the chill.

“Did you need something?” he called.

The person stopped. They were still. And then they turned. *

Or, the Christmas Steve deserved after Winter Soldier.

The portrait by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 915 words, General]

Steve Rogers has a Gift. He can help people find their soulmates, all he needs is some art supplies, a quiet place, and eye contact.

AU-gust day 21: soulmates

Maybe A Muse by buckybarnesdeservestobehappy [Stucky, 2k words, Mature]

When Bucky Barnes needs extra money, he’s appalled that his best friends think he should become a model for the art department on campus. Shy, nerdy, and socially awkward, he’s not sure that’s something he feels comfortable doing. Still, he needs money, and he likes the idea of becoming someone’s muse. The problem is he had no idea two things would happen. First, one of the students in the class is exactly his type; second, he has to model nude.

[utilitycaster]

Hello I would love to hear you thoughts on Caduceus and his arc. Clay is the only character who’s story has made me cry genuine tears (when he got his fam back) and I feel like his nuances and the changes he goes through tend to be overlooked a lot, exactly because of how quietly they happen.

Of course!

So as Taliesin said a few times and as I've pointed out, Caduceus (and Molly for that matter) was intended to be a static character. Obviously this is an impossibility in D&D because things happen and you cannot control it and moreover I am sure Taliesin is aware of this, so it's more that the intent was to have a character who did not feel they needed to change, possibly in contrast with Percy, who absolutely felt he needed to change. A self-proclaimed static character still needs a reason to be static: Molly's philosophy was, as notably stated on talks, "Life's short...do something to a bagel" and more generally the lack of need for change came from this sort of aimless and benevolent-when-convenient hedonism. Caduceus, on the other hand, is secure in his purpose. He has known who he was supposed to be for his whole life, and he embraces it, and sees no reason to change, until he absolutely has to, and even then he is deeply reluctant.

Caduceus is about what happens when your comfort zone and guiding principles themselves fold in on each other and are like "hey. expand us or else."

I think a lot of people have rightfully noted that from his appearance through the Xhorhas arc, Caduceus sees the rest of the Nein as mourners, and that's within his comfort zone. Sure, there are some moral quandaries at the docks of Nicodranas, but he's able to get through that (in part because he's in the Mighty Nein but isn't personally stealing the ship, in part because of Jester's talk with him). I think it's also worth noting that while Caduceus is extremely insightful he is not superhuman (super firbolgian?) in that regard; it is the insight borne of being someone who is there for mourners and so he has a good eye for emotions, less so for motivations, and a lot of the Nein's motivations early on escape him.

The first wave of big changes happen in Bazzoxan and the immediate aftermath. First, Fjord confides in him and asks for advice - and Caduceus is used to giving advice but I'm not sure he's ever had to offer religious practice advice, as the people he would have interacted with would have either been the sketchy people of Shady Creek Run, or else people already faithful enough to seek the Blooming Grove. And second, the party finds itself directionless for a time; there is no pressing business or better ideas and he cannot hide his own mission behind someone else's, so he voices his recommendation that they come clean to the Bright Queen, and then they go to the kiln.

Caduceus's relationship with Fjord I think is useful to bring up in a sense of contrast, in that Caduceus is incredibly good at helping Fjord through a crisis, because Caduceus is trained for crisis - but it gets much hazier once Fjord is out of said crisis and as it turns out has a very different relationship with the Wildmother, and I think this comes up to an extent when they talk in Rexxentrum. I think Caduceus, for all his talk of nature's violence, struggles with the concept of nature being malevolent or having goals - it just is. Whereas Fjord is much more comfortable with the idea of nature perhaps being a force that is itself a threat, or deceptive, and more generally with the idea of nature as somewhat unknowable and full of mysteries. I don't think Caduceus's personal view of nature ever changes, but I think his ability to process that he doesn't have the answers even in the areas within his comfort zone improves, and this is something of an inflection point with regards to him acknowledging new perspectives on his own comfort zone.

It's also a little before this that we see Caduceus reveal vulnerability for the first real time since his panic attack on the boat right after they stole it, when he confides in The Gentleman. Some of this is a calculated social move, to be fair, but it's a notable step forward.

That said it takes a while to change and he spends a few days post-Rexxentrum doing anything to avoid facing his own mission. It's worth noting that Caduceus is a cleric of the same level as Jester, and could have cast sending before the party ever met up with him, and he never did. So they go to Beau's father and Isharnai first, putting it off as long as he can.

Caduceus's scenes with his family sort of snap all of the above into place, in that his parents are glad he's spent some time in the world and are completely accepting of his desire to keep going for a time. I'm honestly not sure, myself, why he does this because I don't think it's metagaming (ie, it's not Taliesin going 'I can't make a third character') but I think there are multiple valid interpretations. Caduceus's role, as the one who stays at home, is ultimately a self-imposed one.

He sort of mulls on that for the next while, sort of uncomfortably internalizing differing perspectives on deities with the Artagan reveal/Rumblecusp and additionally processing his own deeper relationship with the Wildmother, with multiple visions, and maybe even the fact that nature constantly wants to murder him.

Then we get to Eiselcross and that's when it all hits. I think as soon as he sees the corrupted trees he gets a sense of the scale, that this corruption is not just unnatural but it is ancient and has been a threat for a long time and that staving it off at the Blooming Grove is not getting at the unknown, underlying source (which he probably knew deep down, but as discussed above he does not really love to admit those things to himself). And he realizes that he might need to be the one not just to commit but to initiate violence, as the person with no emotional ties to Lucien via Molly; he finds himself bending his own moral rules for the greater good more; and I think this is when he realizes either that he needs to change, or perhaps that he's been changing quietly and slowly the whole time and has just been terrified to admit it.

The last night at the Blooming Grove before the final push into Aeor is another good look at Caduceus, who, like a number of characters in this campaign, is so very much defined by his ongoing and important familial relationships. We get a brief but heartbreaking glimpse at the state he was in prior to the Nein showing up in the garden, and how he was trying to induce something, anything, to give him direction because he didn't trust himself to leave without that assurance; and his admission, finally, to someone else of that change, that he never wanted to be the person to go on an adventure, that he still has very mixed feelings about it, but that this is his responsibility. And it's that which allows him to confidently say, on Cognouza, that it's time to end this shit.

In short (Clue the Movie voice: too late) Caduceus's arc is someone who has always believed in his sacred, literally god-given responsibility into which he was born, and struggles against the fact that said sacred responsibility ends up being quite different than what he expected but ultimately is able to accept it, and his reward is that he can return to the responsibility he initially embraced, having grown in ways he could not have otherwise.

Now, I think part of why Caduceus's arc gets overlooked is twofold. The first reason is that background arcs are, well, background, and it's quiet and subtle and highly internal and hard to turn into big dramatic moments, which, as a person whose favorite C1 character is Vex, I understand, but also those arcs are the best.

The second, and this is going to sound even more "I appreciate the muppets on a much deeper level than you" than the first, is that I feel a lot of people who considered Caduceus their favorite character did lean into the myth of "superfirbolgian" insight when the fact always was that Caduceus had no interest in the political; did not make Trent quake in his wizard robes in the slightest as was confirmed in the finale; and ultimately wanted most of all to return to his home.

It's a very true and very unique choice and if I may [note: I am writing this so I do what I want] I think a lot of people did not understand Caduceus in that they felt his ending was unhappy for him, and some of this is that people had really stupid takes on the party splitting at the end. I have mixed feelings on the true universality of the Campbellian Monomyth and even more mixed feelings on everyone giving Dan Harmon tons of credit for merely rephrasing it but despite that, Caduceus's arc fits it perfectly (and very literally): comfort zone -> need arises -> unfamiliar situation -> adaptation -> gets what he wants -> at a price -> returns to comfort -> having changed.

[hookingminor]

the way that you love me - anthony beauvillier

a/n: inspired by pov by ariana, a lot of it is from tito’s perspective. lightly edited. all fluff. thank you @thirteenisles​ for telling me to write for tito

word count: 2.5k

summary: anthony’s been in love with you for a long time

-

Anthony was in love with you.

He knew it from the moment he met you that he was done for. There really wasn’t anything inherently special about you, which probably wasn’t the nicest thing to say, but it was true. But when you smiled at him for the first time and extended your hand in introduction, something inside of him shifted.

It was subtle, almost imperceptible, and he didn’t even register it at first, but then he shook your hand and a calm settled over him. Anthony didn’t understand what it meant then, but he understood it now.

It was the same feeling he felt right now as he watched you sleep next to him your hair strewn across the pillow and mouth slightly agape. Soft snores escaped your lips, though you always denied it when he told you. It bothered him a bit at the beginning, the snores used to keep him awake during late nights when he had early morning practice. Now he couldn’t sleep without you, snoring and all.

You looked so peaceful lying beside him. With one hand lightly holding onto his bicep, his heart fluttered. It was something you always did when you were asleep: reach out until you grabbed some body part.

When he came home late at night from road trips across the country and settled into bed, you never failed to do the same thing. You were a notoriously heavy sleeper, but whenever Anthony slid under the sheets, you swatted in his direction until you came into contact with him. Whatever you hit, you grabbed onto before rolling over and crawling as close to him as possible.

The first time it happened, all Anthony could do was laugh. He thought you might’ve been awake and that his return woke you, but when he didn’t see your breathing change or eyes flicker open, his chest had gotten so tight he was afraid it would burst.

An overwhelming softness consumed him at that, and it hit him with full force every time it happened. It was the little things. You never realized you did it, nor did he ever tell you.

“Stop staring, weirdo,” you peeked one eye open and caught Anthony looking at you.

Anthony coughed out the stiffness in his throat before replying.

“I can’t help it,” he chuckled, hoping you couldn’t see through him and how vulnerable he was feeling right now, “You’re so beautiful in the morning.”

Whatever Anthony was afraid of you seeing, you didn’t because you rolled your eyes.

-

“Can you make me some tea, please?” You called out to your boyfriend who was rummaging through the kitchen.

“Yeah, give me a minute,” he hollered back, and you heard the coffee machine running to dispense hot water.

Anthony reached over your shoulder from behind to place the mug on the table next to your textbooks. He paused halfway through his retreat to rest his hand on your shoulder and gave you a soft kiss on top of your head.

“Baby, you have three other mugs in front of you,” Anthony said, noticing the half-filled mugs in front of you.

You shrugged, “It tastes better when you make it.”

Anthony left you to continue your studies, but your statement replayed in his mind as he went into the living room and turned on whatever game was playing at the moment. You’d said it without hesitation, and Anthony doubted you even processed what you said.

It was all he could think about.

Later that night when he went to clear the table after you’d disappeared to take a shower, he saw that the only mug that was empty was the one he’d made for you earlier.

He noticed everything after that. Every morning before you left, there was always a mug semi-filled with coffee or tea resting on the counter that you’d made before going to class. Every evening when he made you a cup of tea before bed, you drank every drop.

Intrinsically, Anthony knew he didn’t make tea any better than the next person, but it never failed to brighten his mood every time he woke up and saw the empty tea mug from the night before sitting on the nightstand.

-

Anthony knew you had your doubts sometimes. Not about him. Never about him.

But he knew you had insecurities. About your relationship, about yourself and the need you had to compare yourself to other girls, about why Anthony was even with you to begin with.

None that you ever voiced them with him, but he could tell when you began to pull away and close yourself off from him. He never understood why or what caused it, but he could always read the signs leading up to it.

Anthony also knew how to snap you out of it. The first time it happened, he feared you were going to break up with him, but now he was practically a professional.

“What are your plans for the night? Are you still going out with the guys?”

You had been unusually quiet during dinner, and now you were hand washing the dishes instead of just putting them in the dishwasher; a telltale sign you were thinking too much and needed a mundane task to clear your head.

Approaching you from behind, Anthony wrapped his arms around your abdomen and nuzzled his face into your neck.

“Actually, I was thinking we should stay in for the night,” the words sounded muffled against your skin, and the vibrations tickled, which only caused Anthony to squeeze you tighter.

“Oh?” You questioned, unable to stop the smile tugging at your lips.

“Mhmm,” he hummed as he reached forward to turn off the sink, “I can’t neglect my girl right before leaving for a road trip.”

“You’re not leaving for another two days.”

“Then we’ve got less time than I thought,” Anthony said with fake realization, “Better get started now.”

You squealed in surprise as Anthony spun you around and hiked you up by your thighs. He had no care for the wet hands clutching onto his shoulders as you steadied yourself. Leaving the dirty dishes to be dealt with later, he carried you from the kitchen and into the bedroom where he spent all night showing you just how much he loved you.

-

“How’s Y/N doing?” Mat asked Anthony when they boarded the plane, “Tell her I say hi.”  He’d plopped down next to Anthony who was sending you one final text before take off, and Mat knew that love struck face anywhere. It was a face he only reserved for you, and Mat didn’t have to look at his phone to know Anthony was texting you.

“She’s doing well,” Anthony answered, firing off an ‘I love you’ before locking his phone.

“Yeah? You guys are still coming to the wedding next month, right?” Mat asked. One of their teammates was finally tying the knot, and Anthony knew Mat was only asking so he didn’t have to be the only single one there. He would still be the only single one, but Mat always inserted himself into yours and Anthony’s relationship whenever he had to third wheel.

“Yeah, we’ll be there,” Anthony replied with an eye roll as he checked his phone one last time to see you’d replied with an ‘I love you too’ before switching it to airplane mode.

“God, it’s just a matter of time before you two are getting hitched and I’m left all alone,” Mat sighed before pulling an eye mask over his head and putting in his headphones.

Mat made the comment in passing; he didn’t understand the weight of what he’d just said, and he was already brushing it off and leaving Anthony to sit and think about it.

Maybe Anthony should’ve felt panicked after the realization hit, but all he felt was that same sense of calm wash over him. He’d never given much thought to his future. He definitely didn’t plan on ending things with you and when he pictured himself in five years, you were always there beside him but he’d never made definitive plans.

Mat began dozing off as the plane took flight, but Anthony was wide awake. He knew he wanted to marry you, he was sure about that. There was no doubt in his mind that you were the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but the feeling was all-consuming.

He was happy, yes. Calm in a way he’d never felt before but also nervous. It wasn’t something you two had ever talked about, and for the first time, Anthony was insecure. He imagined it’s what you felt like when you started pushing away, and he finally understood.

Would you even want to get married? Did you want a life with him? Kids? A picket fence? The whole nine-yards?

Anthony knew he would give you anything you wanted, but the question was: Did you want him to?

-

As you flitted around the party, Anthony watched you with intent eyes. The girls had stolen you away earlier in the evening demanding pictures and that you mingle with them instead of hanging onto Anthony the entire night, not that Anthony minded that. He very much preferred when you were near him, if only to stop the chirps he was receiving.

“God, you’re such a lost puppy without her,” Jordan commented, snapping Anthony from his stupor as his gaze flickered back to his friends. Anthony blushed, knowing the comment was directed at him, but he had no comeback.

“Ease off, he’s just imagining his own wedding now,” Matt teased with a knowing look. Nearly all the guys had been there before, and Anthony knew they meant it in good fun.

“Popping the question any time soon, Beau?” Scott asked as he took a swig of his beer. Being the most recent one to get married, he understood the feeling probably better than the other married guys.

“Not soon but thinking about it,” Anthony admitted sheepishly. He wasn’t one to talk about his feelings with the guys. Sure, he went to one of the older ones if he ever needed advice, but those times were few and far between. By the raised brows of everyone near him, he could tell they were shocked with his admission. Happy, nonetheless, but still surprised.

Anthony had started thinking about it during the road trip when Mat had unknowingly dropped that bomb on him. He thought about it constantly, but he still hadn’t brought it up to you yet.

“Really? Good for you, dude,” Jordan said, and suddenly Anthony felt shy.

He couldn’t help it, his eyes shifted back to find you in the middle of conversation with Sydney as you snapped some pictures for other girls. You were glowing. You always glowed to Anthony, and maybe it was the wedding atmosphere, but right now, it was like you had a halo surrounding you.

Your face lit up at something someone said, and even though you were across the room, he could hear your laughter in his head.

The other guys exchanged a few glances between themselves as Anthony’s attention was stolen again by you. They couldn’t really blame him, they’d all been in his shoes at some point.

As the night dragged on and the drinks flowed freely, Anthony absorbed all of it: the soft voice you used when talking to the young kids who begged you to play with them, the way you clutched onto his arm when you made your rounds and mingled with other guests, the atrocious line dancing you did with Mat since Anthony refused to cotton-eye joe.

“Come on,” you said out of breath as you extended your hand to Anthony. You were tired from the long dance and a slower one had come on right after, “Just one dance.”

With a heavy sigh, Anthony took your hand as you led him to the dance floor for a slow dance. Your face was warm for the exertion and alcohol, and even a little sweaty and smudged, Anthony thought you were gorgeous.

His hands fell to your waist as yours wrapped around his neck, and he pulled your body flushed with his. You swayed to the music and rested your head on his chest.

“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” Anthony mumbled against your hair. Although unprompted, it wasn’t unwelcome.

“Oh yeah? Why is that?” You asked, pulling back to look at your boyfriend. It wasn’t normally like Anthony to be this soft, especially in public, but the wedding had only enhanced his good mood.

“Because I can’t even begin to describe how beautiful you are and how much I’m in love with you.”

He said it so simply and casually, as if he were recounting his favorite part of dinner instead of baring his heart for you to see. Your teasing smile softened into one of appreciation.

“Who knew weddings could turn you into such a sap, Beauvis?” you joked lightly, though you pulled yourself closer to him. It was that same stupid nickname Mat had called him one time, and you frequently used it much to Anthony’s dismay.

He tightened his grip on you as he returned your warm smile, and he could see it all right then: his entire life laid out ahead of him with you in the center of it all. Truth be told, Anthony was a sap for you, had been for a long time and you knew it.

“I want a winter wedding, too,” you commented easily after a moment, and Anthony felt his heart rate speed up.

“And if I want a summer wedding?” He threw back, though the smile on his face indicated he was only teasing.

“Hmm…” you paused to ponder the thought, “I think we might have to compromise on a fall wedding then. Summer is too hot for me.”

“Fall sounds nice,” Anthony mused, “A little difficult with the season, but we can make it work if you want.”

“As long as you’re there, I don’t really care when it is,” you replied, and Anthony found himself thinking the same thing.

He didn’t respond after that, deciding to let the music engulf the two of you as you continued to sway. Another slow song followed right after, but Anthony made no motion to leave. He would’ve stayed there all night if you wanted if it weren’t for Mat disrupting your dance and asking to cut in.

Anthony let him take over without hesitation as he didn’t really care much for dancing anyway, but he walked back to your table feeling lighter than he had ever felt in his life.

Unable to stop himself, he pulled out his phone as he watched you and Mat laugh on the dance floor, the song changing to a more upbeat one. Mat spun you away in a dramatic twirl that almost sent you stumbling had it not been for Mat’s hold on your hand.

Anthony smiled to himself as he opened Google to search for engagement rings.

[minniepetals]

buttercream.01

— summary: you were always adorable in their eyes, sometimes a little too adorable.

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: fluff, poly!au, ceo!au

— word count: 3.2k

— warnings: none

— a/n: a little something to thank you for everything

╰ part 1: buttercream / part 2: buttercup / part 3: buttermilk / part 4: butterscotch / part 5: butterfly

Sleepy.

You felt so, so sleepy.

If you were in a better position with a better headspace, you would have excused yourself to head on home but no. It was you and your stubborn self and your dumb little crushes on your seven bosses that held you back from wanting to leave.

It was just a casual company dinner where they rented out a private space for all the employees.

So far people had gone drunk and sleepy, most left because they were too tired as the night went by and you, you sat alone refusing to take even a sip of your drink because you knew you weren't good with taking your drinks.

You should have left way earlier but it was the fact that you had seen many ladies flirting with your seven guys that made you stay — they weren't exactly yours, you just liked calling them that — so you sat on the sideline watching everyone else talk and flirt with them.

And as time went on, the sleepier you got, the harder it was to keep your eyes open.

"Hey, Y/N?"

A sweet angel's voice called upon your name.

But you were too sleepy to try and answer back. Your face rested against your hand with your elbow propped up against the table, one cheek squished and making you look too adorable in their eyes.

"Y/N?" Taehyung called again, his forefinger bopping your nose lightly but you swatted it away. In normal conditions, you would have never gotten the courage to do such a thing nor ignore any of your boss's calls. But it wasn't normal, you were drunk on the lack of sleep you had received.

"Is she drunk?" Namjoon asked as a small smile curled along his lips at the sight of you.

"I haven't seen her picked up her drink once this evening," the youngest said.

Taehyung leaned in close to your face, taking in your sweet scent of rose-scented perfume, causing him to smile once he leaned back. "No alcohol, just sweet roses."

Everyone had gone by the time the clock had struck midnight, everyone except them and you. They found themselves a little surprised you were still there, knowing you weren't much of a party girl through observations, but that didn't mean they weren't happy.

Your breathing slowed, your head feeling more relaxed and ready to fall but just as Taehyung was about to catch it from hitting against the table, he had been a second too late and they cringed at the harsh thud.

Soon enough, you were awake again with a whine leaving your lips.

"Stupid Y/N, stop getting off task."

Off task?

They blinked at your words, at the way you seemed to not have noticed your surroundings as you began speaking to yourself about needing to finish your work before the morning sun arrived.

But then your eyes looked up and you found Yoongi sitting just across from you.

A short moment of silence passed as the two of you stared at one another until you burst out in fits of giggles.

"Yoon, why do you look so adorable?"

The man blinked and Jimin almost choked on his drink. "Y-Yoon?" Yoongi stuttered, completely caught off guard. "Did she just called me adorable?"

"I mean, you kind of are," Hoseok shrugged admittedly in a playful manner.

"Is she sleep talking? Or is she just too tired to function?" Seokjin asked from your other side, the place he had walked over to take a few minutes prior to when everyone else had left.

"And you, Jinnie!" You pointed at the man and his brow raised, surprised you had such bravery to do such a thing. Yet when he saw the cute little pout on your face, he knew he couldn't ever get mad at you. "You're always being unfair," you mumbled through your pout.

Seokjin's eyes grew in panic at the sight of tears glistening along your waterline. "Hey, baby, why are you crying?"

"See? That again!" You accused him before letting your hand down as a few tears fell. Their hearts fell for a moment and Seokjin reached out in worry but you were quick to swat his hand away. "Don't call me baby unless you mean it," you scolded with a huff, still sounding cute and adorable like a little child. "Don't give me endearing nicknames if I'm not the only girl you're gonna be flirting with, it isn't fair."

"Baby-"

"And you're even worse than him!"

"Me?" Jimin scoffed in disbelief as he placed his glass down. "How am I worse?"

"Because you openly flirt with everyone you see and it hurts Y/N's heart."

Talking from a third perspective.

They stole glances at the leader but Namjoon could only shrug. It was a habit of his but he hadn't ever known you were one to do such a thing either.

"It hurts your heart, hm?" A smirk danced at the corner of Jimin's lips as he watched you. "And why is that, may I ask?"

"Because!" Your pouting deepened, ready to cry some more and Jungkook who sat next to his hyung was quick to smack the man on the arm. "One moment you flirt with me and then the next, I see you flirting with other girls and it hurts because I thought...I thought you said Y/N-ie was special."

"Y/N-ie is special!" Jimin quickly emphasized, suddenly feeling bad for all his mischievous acts that had only meant to try and make you jealous. But now he realized how wrong that had been as his heart fell at the sight of your tears.

Taehyung went on to wipe your tears away and you allowed him, for a short moment before you looked away, facing away from him.

"You're all at fault here," you said.

"Does Y/N-ie need us to make her feel special? Is that what it is?" You looked up at Hoseok's voice and with a little bit of hesitation, nodded shyly and they cooed at the sight. "Come here, pumpkin."

You crawled over from Seokjin's lap and they watched you sit on Hoseok's lap with your arms wrapped around the man as you nuzzled your face in the crook of his neck. Oh how the others wished they were in Hoseok's position.

"Oh come on, Hoseok hyung gets the special treatment?" Jungkook frowned as the older one just chuckled.

"Hobi's a gentleman. But sometimes I wish, I just wish that he would.." A small cub's yawn escaped you and their hearts melted, "treat me like a lady rather than a friend."

"Is that what you want?" Namjoon asked with hope. "Is this your confession?"

But you had already fallen asleep into the actual world of dreams.

.

.

"How the heck did I get home last night?"

You groaned at the uncomfortable feeling of having gone to sleep with your clothes from the night before as you got up. A big yawn escaped out of you just as you noticed a little note left on your nightstand.

We brought you home because you had fallen asleep. Forgive me but I had to look through your bag to find your key. Rest assured, nothing was stolen. Sweet dreams, moonwalker. See you at work — knj

Sweet dreams...moonwalker?

And then you gasped before a scream quickly escaped your lips as the events of the night before flashed through your mind.

"Frick, frick, frick!" You shouted, legs bouncing as you walked around in circles as your heart began drumming loudly and fast. "I'm going to get fired, what is wrong with me?! I got drunk off the lack of sleep! I'm so stupid!"

You stared at the note again and the last words stood out, leaving you to want to burst out crying. "See you at work, he says. He's going to fire me!"

If you could turn back time, you would.

But sadly you didn't have powers such as that so you could only head on to work later that day in hopes of not ever seeing your bosses again — which was dumb because they were your boss so it was inevitable to see them — but at least you'd slow down the rate of getting fired quicker, right?

Wrong.

You were called in by Yoongi's secretary that said they wanted to see you.

On the way to Yoongi's office, you could only blame yourself even more as your heartbeat quickened, knowing fully well of the punishment you were to receive. Heck, you called the dude adorable! And called Seokjin and Jimin out on their flirting but what had that to do with you? You didn't own them, why the heck did you say such a thing? And huddled up against Hoseok?

Oh crap. Hoseok.

You were definitely going to be fired.

"Please forgive me for my rudeness, I was just talking nonsense that had nothing to do with any of you!" Perhaps it was a lie, and perhaps blurting out the first thing that came to your mind wasn't the best thing to do the second you walked into that office but what else could you do to save your career? Your life's worth depended on them and you had screwed up.

"Nothing to do with us?"

Just that simple question and the deep tone of Jimin's voice had your knees almost falling.

"Yes, sir."

"You hesitated," Hoseok pointed out.

"It isn't good to lie, Y/N," Jungkook scolded.

You could only gulp as you stood there completely frozen with fear with your head lowered, refusing to meet any of their gazes due to your embarrassment.

Everyone knew the seven bosses had close relationships with one another, they never hid such a thing. So for you to bravely act up in front of them at your vulnerable moment, you knew you had totally messed up. You couldn't even blame them if they wanted to fire you. After all, you deserved it for the way you had acted.

"Now tell us the truth," Namjoon ordered and you could feel their intense gaze on you. "The things you said last night...were they true?"

They were. Of course they were.

You were jealous of the other ladies that were always brave enough to walk up to them and spoke without stumbling upon their words, without making a fool of themselves. You hated getting your hopes up only for it to be broken down once you'd come upon one of them flirting with another lady. With a pretty lady. Every lady they spoke to were pretty and you'd begin to second guess yourself, wondering whether the outfit you were wearing was good enough, whether you had gone over the top. You'd look at yourself in the bathroom and wondered whether you were pretty enough, whether you were good enough.

And then you'd head back to doing your work with a head down and one of them would come strolling by and make you smile.

Then the routine would repeat just like every other day.

"I..." your voice shook a little and they held their breaths. "What'll you do if I say yes?" You asked, fingers crawled against each other. "What'll you do if I say no? I'll be fired either way, right? Is there a good reason to me giving you an answer?"

Yoongi's brows furrowed. "Why do you think we're firing you?"

"Because I was impulsive and rude."

"You're the most hardworking employee we have here," he said, "What'll we do if we lose a good person like you? It'll be our loss."

"But I...but I-"

"We asked you that question because..." You could hear the footsteps of Seokjin as he walked on over towards you and you held your breath. If they weren't going to fire you then they'd definitely punish you in some ways. But that would be okay, you could take extra paperwork, extra hours, overtime. As long as you weren't being fired, right?

Still, it was scary thinking about it. You were tired enough from all the things that were weighing down on you. But if that were their wishes, you knew you'd have to oblige. After all, you did something unacceptable.

Seokjin stopped just in front of you and took his forefinger and thumb to tilt your head up to look at him.

His eyes softened at your glossy eyes before leaning down to place a kiss on top of your forehead.

You blinked at the sudden action, totally caught off guard and a blush was quick to reach your cheeks.

"What...w-what does that mean?" You stuttered.

Jimin came up to your side, leaning in to place a kiss on your cheek while Taehyung placed another kiss on the other side of your face. Your face was heating up, reaching your ears but you could only stand there frozen.

"What do you think, baby?"

Baby?

Namjoon wasn't one to call someone an endearing nickname that easily.

"You mean..." You trailed off, face a blushing mess but they only gave you sweet smiles.

"No firing, no punishments, none of that for our baby."

"Baby..."

Hoseok smiled. "That's right."

"You meant the things you said last night, right?" Jungkook asked, his eyes piercing into yours with cute bunny eyes.

"I..yes, I-I did."

"Good," the maknae smiled, satisfied. "Because we've liked you since forever."

You shook your head. "No way."

"Yes way," Taehyung quickly said. "You're too cute and adorable and you're always so helpful towards others."

"And we've only been flirting with the others because we wanted a reaction out of you."

"That..." You pouted, hitting Jimin lightly on his chest. "That's mean."

"I know, baby, I didn't mean it," he said, pulling you into a warm embrace as he rocked you back and forth. "I'm sorry."

"But hey, at least that got you to speak up about your feelings, right?"

You blushed a little more at Seokjin's reminder and they burst out laughing. "I'm such an embarrassment."

"No, baby," Yoongi grinned, "you were adorable."

"Too adorable for this world," Hoseok agreed.

"And you're ours now."

"Finally our sweet baby girl."

.

.

Life had never been more perfect since then. Everything felt just right, from the secret glances you'd share, the moments they'd sneak you away just to steal a kiss out of you, or when they'd send you winks whenever their eyes met you somewhere in public and they couldn't give you their time.

It was a relationship you had never known you'd ever be a part of but thanked your lucky star for giving you such an opportunity.

Other times when some of them got too overwhelmed with everything, they'd call for you to see them in their office, only for them to rest their heads and use you as a pillow. But you never minded, you were always more than happy to help them out in any way possible.

Other times, like Saturday nights where most of them were less busy and some of them didn't have to head into work the next day, you'd come by their place and relax.

Jungkook had fallen asleep at some point when you were rambling about random things. But you couldn't blame him because you were sure he must've been really tired from all the works he had to do.

At least, that was what you thought but Jungkook was only resting his eyes, content with everything in his life now that they've got you.

"Kooks?" You called his name in a soft manner. Jungkook would have replied back but then he wondered what you'd do when you thought that he was asleep so he remained quiet, surpassing the urge in wanting to smile.

He felt your tiny finger bop his nose before moving on to lightly trace along his lashes and wondered what you were thinking about. "You know, I still can't believe this is real." Your voice had always been soft and sweet but the way you said that came out into a breathless whisper and just for that, Jungkook had almost pried his eyes open. "It feels like a sweet dream and I feel like the luckiest girl to be alive, being able to love and be loved by seven most kindhearted and handsome men and I just..."

He could feel you inching closer and closer and before he knew it, your lips pressed softly against his lips but they had backed away too quick for his liking.

"Crap," you whispered and he could already see you blushing. "What if he was awake? What if he felt that? Y/N, you little idiot, why would you do that?"

Cue his time to open his eyes.

"What if I was awake all along?"

Your breath hitched and Jungkook grabbed your wrist before you could try and escape. "Kook, why would you pretend to sleep? I-"

He grabbed your face and slammed his lips against your lips. "Did that feel real?"

You blinked. "Hm?"

Again, his lips fell on top of yours but that time it lasted longer, sweeter, softer. "Did that feel like a dream?" Your man asked the moment he backed away only enough so that he was hovering just an inch away from you.

"N-no..." You mumbled through a pout, a sight he couldn't help but to place another kiss on your lips. "S-stop."

Jungkook raised a challenging brow. "You want me to stop?"

"Well..no, but-"

"If this is the only way I can remind you that none of this is a dream, then I'll continue doing it even until you've finally figured it out in that little head of yours that this is all real."

"Kook..."

"I love you," he confessed and if you weren't surprised by his actions then, you were totally awestruck at that moment.

"Dropping the bomb without us, huh?"

The two of you looked over towards the bedroom door to find Hoseok walking in while the others followed just behind.

"It was the right time," the maknae shrugged as he got up from hovering above you while you remained frozen, still a little unsure whether you had heard right.

Yoongi went on to take a seat on the bedside, arms gesturing towards you. "Come here, baby girl." You obliged, letting him help you sit up so that he was able to hold you close. "What Jungkook said is true, we all love you, we just couldn't find the right moment to spill it." You looked up at the rest. Some looked shy, the others hiding that shyness behind a sweet smile. "Now you don't have to say anything if you aren't ready, we don't want to force anything out of-"

"I love you!" You blurted out without much thought and your cheeks flushed with a beautiful rose blush. "I love you so much," you said again. "Why does this feel like a sweet dream?"

"It isn't," Jungkook promised as he came up from behind, snaking his arms along your waist and chills were quick to fall down your body.

"And we'll remind you every day that it isn't," Namjoon avowed and you could feel the sweet lingering kisses that fell on top of your body.

Kisses of silent vows of love.

[terramythos]

TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 22 of 26

Title: Stories of the Raksura, Volume One (2014)

Author: Martha Wells

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, Adventure, Short Story Collection, Third-Person, LGBT Protagonist, Female Protagonist

Rating: 7/10 (note: this is an average)

Date Began: 8/23/2021

Date Finished: 8/28/2021

Stories of the Raksura, Volume One is the first of two anthologies that take place in Martha Wells’ Books of the Raksura universe. I recommend reading the original trilogy (starting with The Cloud Roads) before these, as the stories are pretty confusing otherwise. If “fantasy adventure starring shapeshifting, winged humanoids” sounds like an entertaining premise to you, you’re in luck! To those interested, I reviewed the main series last year— here’s a link to the first book.

Of the two novellas and two short stories in this volume, my favorites were “The Falling World” and “Adaptation”, both 8/10s.

Individual ratings, content warnings, and minor series spoilers below the cut. 

Content warnings for the book: non-graphic sexual content, violence, brief mention of r*pe, brief mention of suicide, references to domestic abuse, traumatic injury, bullying, mild body horror.

#1 - The Falling World (8/10)

While on a routine diplomatic mission to a nearby court, Jade, Chime, and a contingent of warriors disappear under mysterious circumstances. Left in a precarious position in the Reach, Moon leads a search party for the missing group. The trail leads to a mysterious, ancient ruin hidden in the depths of a mountain thorn… but bizarre dangers lurk within. Finding the missing Raksura will be easier said than done.

Moon paced absently around while the others explored or drank from the pond. They were here, he thought, days ago. Just days. But standing here had the same feeling he got in ancient groundling ruins: that an unbridgeable gulf of time separated him from the people who were once here.

“The Falling World” is a typical Raksura story which takes place between the third and fourth books. If you read the original trilogy and liked it, you’ll like this one. It’s got all the pieces you’ve come to expect: creepy sorta-haunted ancient ruins, vaguely eldritch monster things, fantasy adventure, and Moon being a snarky angst machine. I wouldn’t call this novella required reading. Beyond a mention in book four, the introduction of Ocean Winter (who I don’t really remember), and a tiny bit of lore re: Chime’s weird powers, there’s nothing new here. It’s the kind of thing you read if you liked the novels and want more adventures— and that’s fine.

#2 - The Tale of Indigo and Cloud (6/10)

Umber Shadow is a minor court in the Reaches, but things are about to change. Its sister queen Indigo just “stole” Cloud, a consort from Emerald Twilight. Such behavior is one of the most taboo acts in Raksuran culture. Now Cerise, the leader of Umber Shadow, has to navigate the dire socio-political consequences of Indigo’s actions, and hopefully prevent an all-out war.

Ruby didn’t look happy, but she didn’t argue either. “All right. Just be careful. Don’t let this little idiot trap you into fighting.” “Which little idiot?” Cerise asked, in exasperation. “There are so many of them!”

I have mixed feelings on “The Tale of Indigo and Cloud”. It’s an obvious choice for a novella, as the main books reference this story. Clearly, the titular characters are the namesakes for Indigo Cloud, the court in the main series. The plot is less action-adventure and more political intrigue— which is fine, and a welcome change of pace. 

My main issue is perspective; rather than Indigo or Cloud (or both), the story instead follows Cerise, leader of Umber Shadow (Indigo Cloud’s predecessor). Cerise is well-written enough, and it’s interesting to get a reigning queen’s POV. But this choice creates a layer of disconnect from the emotional tension of the story—Indigo and Cloud’s rocky relationship. The novella comes off as a chronicle of events rather than an involved story. Personally I’d find the tale more interesting if it started with Indigo and Cloud’s meeting and took their POVs. Clearly Cloud was unhappy in his old life and convinced Indigo to help him; that’s an interesting hook that I wish we saw firsthand. That aside, I appreciated baby!Stone’s cameo and the melancholy epilogue related to that.

#3 - The Forest Boy (7/10)

Tren is an orphan living in a small Mirani village nestled along a trade route. While digging through a local junk heap, he and his friend Lua discover Moon, an injured boy caught in an animal trap. Tren’s adoptive parents nurse the strange child back to health. Moon and Lua become close friends, and Tren grows to resent the newcomer. But when a creature from the forest attacks the three children, Tren learns that Moon’s hiding a deadly secret.

He wasn’t a fool; he knew it was jealousy, like the jealous herder in one of Ari’s stories who lost his herd by trying to make it bigger than those his neighbors owned… Moon was big, strong, helpful, good to everyone, and everyone in the house liked him. He also had the added mystery of being a wild boy from the Long Road, without any of the dirty or violent habits a real wild boy might have.

But knowing it was jealousy didn’t seem to help Tren make it go away. It just made it worse, since now he could feel guilty about being jealous.

I liked this one! “The Forest Boy” introduces some early characterization for Moon; in particular, it adds context to Moon’s natural suspicion of others. Poor boy just wants a family— but he’ll always be at a remove from others since he has to hide his identity. No wonder he constantly doubts his place among the Raksura once he finally meets them. Here he finds a potential place to belong, but it comes crashing down just for being himself. It’s especially yikes knowing that this keeps happening well into adulthood. I felt kind of meh about Tren as a character, but hey, it’s a short story.

#4 - Adaptation (8/10)

Chime has been an Arbora for his entire life; the wingless caste of Raksura who keep the court running. But one day, when shapeshifting into his Arbora form, Chime blacks out. When he awakens, he finds his body has transformed into a winged Aeriat. Now with his entire identity called into question, Chime becomes an outsider among both Raksuran castes. But perhaps more troubling is what this shift means for the future of Indigo Cloud.

Someone must have carried him out of the central well; they were in one of the smaller side rooms, the one with a fountain pool fed by a channel in the wall. Chime stumbled to the pool and almost swayed over backwards. Catching himself on the rim, he stared down at his reflection.

He was looking at a Raksuran warrior, tall, lean, with blue scales. Horrified and fascinated, he raised his spines to see if they were longer, and something else extended out behind him. It took him a moment to realize he was looking at the edges of his wings as they unfolded from his back.

We love Chime in this household, so I’m happy to see a short story from his POV. Like “The Tale of Indigo and Cloud”, this was an obvious choice to write, since there’s a lot of discussion in the main books about it. Chime’s horror upon waking in a strange new body, the resulting social isolation, and his first steps toward accepting his situation, are all very compelling subjects. It’s no wonder the poor guy latched onto Moon right away. I think “Adaptation” is too short for its heavy and complex subject matter. Something like this could easily be a novella. But I did like it for what it is. 

Closing Thoughts

This anthology was fine! I basically wanted a little more Raksura content, and this certainly delivered. Short story/novella collections are always going to be hit or miss with me, so I consider 7/10 a pretty good average score. As I mentioned above, only read this if you’ve read the main series, or you’ll be lost.

[warsofasoiaf]

Character Analysis: Jon Irenicus

Irenicus is a fun villain, and I think nailed one interesting element of writing down, that of bringing down the villain’s threat in an interesting and believable way. The hero typically grows in power in any story, not just in a game where your progression is literally your XP, but what the villain does, how they grow, is also interesting. If the villain is more powerful than the hero, and also does things to grow and learn, theoretically the villain should still be wrecking house. BG2 wove this into the story itself, where the more you learned about Irenicus, the less menacing he became, culminating into where he was arguably your lesser at the end: he was powerful but only aping what you were. 

Obviously, spoilers for BG2 abound.

Baldur’s Gate II introduces us to our villain almost as a cold open. Fresh off the high of defeating Sarevok, you leave Baldur’s Gate after being pressured to leave by “dark forces” and by those who suspected that you shared similar heritage to Sarevok. Seems a bit odd, honestly, to oust the Bhaalspawn with suspicion given that during the course of Baldur’s Gate I, you saved two of the Grand Dukes. It’s certainly understandable that folks would fear your heritage and you’d want to move on to greener pastures, but something more than a 3-minute cut scene would have probably set the scene better.

However, this opening, and the ‘cutscene’ that follows gives Irenicus a grand initial reveal to the player. This guy is an ultra-powerful wizard, and he speaks with a clinical detachment as he states: “It’s time for more experiments.” It’s a wonderful opening to illustrate exactly what you’re dealing with. He’s clearly interested in your godly soul, and exploiting it to some unknown purpose. What is unknown, as he gets called away by some unspecified intruders by a golem. In the next scene, magical traps are set off as an unspecified Shadow Thief gets disintegrated. Story-wise, this serves no purpose, it’s purely meant to be a way to show off the new spell effects and other cosmetic changes to the engine from Baldur’s Gate II, with the disintegration dust and the screen shaking. But it does help illustrate the power level that Irenicus is throwing around. Save-or-die spells were relatively rare in the lower level of Baldur’s Gate I, even Semaj, Sarevok’s mage companion, wasn’t firing off disintegration willy-nilly. Throwing around disintegration spells clearly shows that Irenicus is a new high-level baddy. Later we see that he killed characters from Baldur’s Gate I off-screen, Khalid and Dynahier, two of the three sets of paired companions from BG1. This gives their partners reason to join in with the player character, but it also serves to show his power; Irenicus is such a bad dude that he can wipe your party before the game starts, like he was getting coffee. It might be a cruel cut, but that’s its intent, to make the player character mad at the villain, to want to punch his smarmy face in.

Commensurate in the danger of Irenicus is the need to find out what’s going on. Irenicus clearly knows something about your godly soul and so you want to find out what he knows. Even for an upstanding lawful good character, growing in power means finding a way to effect good on a larger scale, and perhaps to overcome the evil in your tainted blood. After all, no matter how good you were in Baldur’s Gate I, you still were an incredibly powerful killer. Sure, most if not all of them were bad dudes, Mulahey the iron ore poisoner, the bandits of Cloakwood, the Iron Throne and their plans to take over the Sword Coast. But chaos and destruction follow in your wake, and that chaos undoubtedly would hurt innocent civilians; Saradush in Throne of Bhaal is clear of that enough. Even just knowing more about what is going on could better prepare you for the next Irenicus or the next Sarevok.

When you go through the starter dungeon (another piece of game design, you are being tutorialized but the pastoral instruction of Candlekeep makes no sense for someone who already had an adventure), pieces of the man start to fall into place. He holds a bunch of captive dryads as concubines to remind him of someone he lost. He keeps an immaculate bedroom for a companion that is never there, with an alarm ready to dispatch the golems to kill any who cross the threshold. There’s a woman that was in his life that is no longer there, and the loss pains him, or at least, it seems that it should. Chatter with Imoen and the dryads show that this mystery man is trying to elicit feelings that he had lost, and that’s an entirely different case of worms than pining over a lost love. There’s some element of almost-unwilling psychopathy to these actions. Other hints in this dungeon illustrate this as well. His servants, discarded in vats and forgotten about entirely, would at first evoke classical evil overlords casually disregarding their own subjects. He’s almost all of the way there, but there’s enough there that the player is suggested that there has to be something more to it than that. He does seem to have some sort of sociopathy to him, where people are objects that he can find fascinating but he has no empathy. We see this later with Wanev, who Irenicus spares solely because he was hit by a spell that left him a lunatic, which Irenicus found funny, the administrator of a jail for the insane now rendered an insane patient himself.

He is powerful though, that much is clear when you break out of the starter dungeon. His display of magic collapsed part of Waukeen’s Promenade, and when the regulatory magical body of the Cowled Wizards comes to shut it down, Irenicus is capable of swatting mages like they were mosquitos. Just like the Shadow Thieves that he had been fighting, Irenicus seems more annoyed at the interruptions than any physical threat posed by his myriad foes. He’s definitely a powerful wizard, and when he finally submits to the Cowled Wizards, he does so clearly as their superior, dragging Imoen along with him. It’s fairly plain from a game design perspective what Irenicus is doing; he’s going to Spellhold so you have to get there. Good characters want to rescue Imoen, evil characters want to interrogate him to unlock the power in your blood. Either way, the player character is given a goal, and Irenicus disappears physically from the story for the moment.

He isn’t absent though. In your dreams, Jon Irenicus waxes philosophical at the player character, evoking thought-provoking questions. He explains the paradox of your existence of being born of murder, given life from the act of taking life. He speaks about accepting the gifts that will be given to you, regardless of whether or not you want them. These dream sequences are clear upgrades in quality and presentation from the spoken-dialogue text boxes from the first game after you beat major milestones. David Warner does a great job here in delivering Irenicus’s lines, he feels like a evil mentor speaking about philosophical topics with the same detachment that he tortured the player character with in the opening. While we find out later that these dreams aren’t sendings from Irenicus but rather parts of your character’s godly subconscious, they suggest to the player going through Chapter 3 that Irenicus does indeed know a hell of a lot more about you and your godly blood, keeping the player interesting in finding out exactly what it is you need to find out. The other quests in Chapter Three don’t have much to do with Irenicus, aside from some random events with the guild war in Athkatla at night, where the player will find out pretty quick that one side is powered by vampires, the level drain and click-dialogue of “your blood is rather inviting” isn’t exactly hiding that there be vampires engaged in a secret war with the Shadow Thieves. Even then, it’s tangential. You knew the Shadow Thieves were attacking Irenicus, which suggests at least some level of camaraderie with the vampires, but as we saw with the deep dwarves in Irenicus’s lair, he doesn’t care about followers, and they might simply be disposable assets if anything at all. If you want to know about Irenicus, you’re going to have to get it from the man himself. 

Of course, as befits a high-level mage, Irenicus breaks out of the prison in a cutscene, kills the Cowled Wizards and goes back to whatever unsavory plans he thought up for Imoen, teleporting into the lobby and chewing the scenery with his “I CANNOT BE CAGED!” speech, reinforcing his position as the central big bad and confirming the Cowled Wizards as mere obstacles. This part of his plan has been made clear. Far from the meddling Shadow Thieves and Cowled Wizards, Irenicus can continue his experiments on Imoen in Spellhold, and it falls on the player character to go there and end it. Irenicus, of course, knows this too, and he makes sure he has contingency plans to deliver you to him. I’m of three minds on this. On one, he’s so powerful it seems that he is so powerful, and Amn so large, that plenty of these isolated areas within the continent would service just as well for Irenicus’s lair. Why waste time with all of this blah-blah-blah and just take what he wants? It’s not like teleport spells are beyond his ken. On the other hand, it’s a good way to break up into the freeform quest design that Chapter Three gives, offers the chance for your characters to level up and get cool gear, lets you rock the stronghold quests which definitely let you feel your class and increase replay value, and the idea of the forbidding wizard in the island lair is an excellent backdrop. On the third, it’s in-character for an immortal mage to have plans within plans, even to the point of complexity addiction, although his conduct afterward sort of torpedoes this idea. 

That is, after he recaptures you, he immediately goes back to work to his experiments, and after another trippy dream sequence with Imoen, you find his plan. His goal is to absorb your divine soul, taking it for his own. He doesn’t explain anything more, but now that he has you, he discards you just as he has so many others. Telling his sister Bodhi to dispose of you is what keeps him from being someone like the Riddler, since he’s actually going for a proper smart villain play and killing the soulless husk he leaves behind just in case he pulls a protagonist move and comes clawing back for his stolen soul. It’s Bodhi’s instability, her desire to hunt you brought on by her vampirism, that keeps you alive. After the player character becomes the Slayer, Bodhi tells Irenicus, but true to his condescending nature, he simply...ignores the PC, writing them off as someone who is going to keel over any second due to their lack of soul, completely oblivious to the fact that Bhaal’s avatar was the Slayer, and it’s clear that something is replacing the void that he left within you. The PC must effectively turn that dismissiveness against him, by releasing the imprisoned mages within Spellhold, from the powerful but mostly harmless Dili to the megalomaniacal Tiax. Yet this hard-fought battle does not end with Irenicus’s death and your victory, instead Irenicus goes to pursue his other, as-yet unknown goals while he sends another band of cutthroats to die at your hand. 

Yoshimo is sort of my feelings on this Irenicus’s Spellhold plot writ small. As powerful as Irenicus is, he really doesn’t need Yoshimo, not if he has Sarmon Havarian and so many others. Yoshimo shows up in the starter dungeon, and is useful if a bit obsequious in a “who me?” sort of fashion. He doesn’t have a really good reason to stay with the party from a story reason that he gives you. He could have said: “Hey, thanks for getting me out. Deuces!” Yoshimo’s geas gets him to want to stay with the party, otherwise he’s dead. In that sense, it makes sense for him to want to be with the group. And as the only thief who gains levels aside from the absolutely annoying Jan Jansen, he’s useful for dealing with annoying traps, because reloading a game because your main PC tripped a trap and got petrified is certainly frustrating. Game mechanics though, interfere with this. You as the player character have control over the six-person party and if you want Yoshimo to be there, he’ll be there, and if you don’t, he’ll sit in the Copper Coronet, geas be damned. He’ll stand right there until you go back in after the Underdark chapter, in which case he flops over dead and hardly anyone cares. That’s a system engine limitation certainly, but it’s remarkably clumsy. What is good though, is Yoshimo’s regret during this. He knows he has to betray you and is forced to do so, and he genuinely likes you. The writing that happens is crisp, Yoshimo truly does apologize and Irenicus backs up his dismissive assholery by telling him to shut up. When Yoshimo confronts you in Spellhold, his writing is crisp. “No redemption, and no second chances. My heart to Ilmater.” He fights you and goes down swinging (which was annoying the first time I played because he had the Celestial Fury +3). And you can actually take that heart to Ilmater, occupying a valuable inventory space through the next chapters until you can reach Waukeen’s Promenade again, where you can choose to forgive him or not, but give the heart to Ilmater either way. It would have been saccharine to restore Yoshimo, but this way, I feel, is more powerful in a world with such powerful enchantments to see the effects on the people whose lives it ruins. So the game can be clunky at parts, and Irenicus can be as well, but there’s true craft and joy in it.

Back to Irenicus though, we get the sense of more to him when we see the intro splash screen for the next Chapter. Making a dark bargain with the drow, we see that they have captured surface elves, one of whom immediately refers to Irenicus as Joneleth, suggesting a backstory far deeper as Irenicus immediately resorts to killing the prisoner after being the one to suggest interrogation instead of immediate execution, a lashing out that seems out of character for the clinically-detached evil villain we’ve been coming to know. The backstory is clear in the Forgotten Realms, the dark elves and surface elves are mortal foes and anyone who is known to the surface elves to ally with the dark elves is a great betrayal. As the PC goes through the Underdark and comes out, they are captured by the surface elves. Through a conversation with Eldoth, it can become evident that the surface elves know more than they are letting on, such as when they are the ones who suggest holy water and stakes to fight Bodhi, despite not knowing anything about either one of them. After you slay Bodhi and restore Imoen’s soul to its rightful place, you can call Eldoth out on it. Irenicus is “the Shattered One,” an exile of the elves, and it’s here that Irenicus’s story becomes apparent.

Irenicus was a powerful wizard and lover of Queen Ellesime named Joneleth. Yet in his heart, Joneleth yearned for more power and sought to take the essence of the Tree of Life, the lifeblood of the city of Suldanesselar, for himself and Bodhi. This dark ritual nearly killed many that existed within Suldanesselar, and so Joneleth and Bodhi were punished, stripping their elven nature and immortality away from them, leaving them with a mortal lifespan, thus Joneleth became Jon Irenicus, the Shattered One. Bodhi sought to become a vampire to transgress the mortal years she had, but Jon had felt that it degraded her to that of a high-functioning beast. Irenicus’s scheme was far more grandiose if also possessing an elegant simplicity: he lost an immortal soul and so he needed to take one for himself. The Bhaalspawn was the perfect choice, powerful enough to defeat Sarevok and awaken the power within, weak enough to be captured and have the divine soul snatched away. With his stolen soul freshly acquired, Irenicus now looked to the second part of himself, to revenge himself on the elves. The dark elf invasion ultimately failed, helped out by the PC butchering the leadership of Ust Natha, but Irenicus is still going with golems and summoned demons to destroy the city, usurp the power of the Tree of Life, and complete his long ago schemes. 

I... I do not remember your love, Ellesime. I have tried. I have tried to recreate it, to spark it anew in my memory, but it is gone... a hollow, dead thing. For years, I clung to the memory of it. Then the memory of the memory. And then nothing. The Seldarine took that from me, too. I look upon you and feel nothing. I remember nothing but you turning your back on me, along with all the others. Once my thirst for power was everything. And now I hunger only for revenge. And I... WILL... HAVE IT!!

When confronted by Queen Ellesime, she even asks if there was any part of him that remembered the love he had for her, and the PC sees that it’s her that was in his mind for the beautiful bedroom way back in chapter one. It was almost certainly her that Irenicus thought of when he was with his dryad concubines. And when she poses that question, he answers with the above quote, that he feels nothing. While it seems like this is a loss of depth, that he’s just a flat character, I don’t think this is the case. Irenicus had the chance to change, for self-reflection. Instead, he remembers it as all the others turning their back on him, without any recognition that his schemes nearly killed them. It’s the classic abuser mentality, how dare you make me do these things to you. When his victims tried to defend themselves, he lashed out and remembers only their ‘cruelty’ to him. It’s this that makes Irenicus, for all his great arcane might, so small. Where before he was this intimidating figure, now he’s a petty man, and fittingly, it’s here that you can kill him. Temporarily, at least, because there’s still one more dungeon. Irenicus and you are still battling for your divine soul, and after a few self-reflective quests of your own, you duel Irenicus, who dies pitiably, torn to shreds by demons as his power fails him. It fits the heroic and thematic heft of the arc. As you grow in power, Irenicus diminishes in threat. He was your torturer, an inhuman menace, then he became just a man, torn apart by tiny demons that you probably could take down by the truckload. 

There’s good things to learn here. Irenicus isn’t a super-unique villain, although some of the villain tropes are personalized for the sake of the Baldur’s Gate story specifics. But he does his job admirably. David Warner’s voice work, and the special effects (pretty good for when the game came out in 2000) really was able to sell Irenicus as an enjoyable villain. 

Thanks for the suggestions, Anons who were looking forward to this.

SomethingLikeALawyer, Hand of the King

[bumbershots]

A CERTAIN ROMANCE

CHAPTER FIVE: A SPECIAL DAY

Author’s note: Hello! We have finally reached the awaited date between Harry and Alma. I was really excited for this chapter, hopefully you will enjoy it as much as I did, forgive me in advance for any mistakes, my beta reader (my boyfriend) was unavailable, so this is a good time to say that if anyone out there has the time and willingness to beta read any future chapters send me an ask or message to let me know. Enjoy! (:

Story masterlist ** Word count: 2.6K **

Harry wakes up feeling excited, nervous and hungry. He takes care of the latter, decides to make some blueberry pancakes, turns out he can't eat more than two and a cup of coffee. Not that the pancakes weren't great, in fact they were fantastic, he even decides to brag about them on an Instagram story that is published for his close friends only. Nick quickly replies to it with a laughing emoji.

You should take a Tupperware full of them to your date ;)

The reason behind his excitement and nerves make his heart race, he decides to type in a polite 'fuck off' to his mate before heading to the shower. Under the warm spray of water he tries to sort out his thoughts. Harry doesn’t want to think about his upcoming trip to California. 

It was necessary for the album or so he thought last week, after going through a box with the very few memories he kept from his ex. He wasn’t in a right state of mind then, he feels pathetic. The only reason why he wanted to spend time in Los Angeles was because everything there —from the pavement to the sky— was tainted by her. 

Why would he want to go back to that place where the constant reminder of his pain was literally living in the same neighbourhood? Because it would provide him the cathartic release he was looking for. That’s the line he used after Sarah and Mitch tried to dissuade him from flying across the Atlantic and Harry was so proud of himself when it worked. 

That very same day, he got the first text from Alma, it was the address like she promised. ‘In case one of your talents isn’t stumbling upon my work place ;)’ the second text read and Harry had to endure Sarah’s questionnaire about the girl that made him blush with a mere wink emoji. Not that he minded talking about her, he could go on all day.

He usually preferred a shower before breakfast, usually even work out before then but well, hunger clouded his judgement earlier today. Even with that taken care of that dread still niggled him away. Just slightly. So, he decided to pick up his guitar for a moment and strummed. There was no real intention to play seriously, or to write anything down on the journal by his desk. It was more of something he enjoys too much not to do it, a way to keep his hands and mind busy, faffing around with chords. With a bit of luck he might come up with a song, a tune which just worked, that just... clicked.

Contrary to what people might believe, genius didn't strike him here and then. Not like when he'd come up with Sign of the times or Two ghosts. But finding a neat little pattern of chords a good thirty minutes later makes him smile, it's something he can work with. It needs a little polishing from Mitch and company, sure, but it has a good rhythm. He scribbled down some notes on his journal and sent the audio to his fellow musician.

Maybe he will find the words in one of the old notebooks that are somewhere in the other room, perhaps on the ones that are still on his unpacked suitcase from Japan. Silently he also hoped to find the lyrics around London. He had lived in the capital for a few years now, but he had been different then. Now he likes to think that he's a man, no longer the teenager from the boy band or the shiny new solo artist. He has new perspectives, sights, smells in this new home of his. New ideas.

Harry gazes out his bedroom window; the view is not great –mostly of the other houses in the complex. His mind focused on the cloudy sky, confused because he swore it was sunny just a few minutes ago, can bet on his life that he woke up to dazzling sunshine rays of a warm yellow colour peeking through that same window. He puts his guitar away on the bed with care and makes a beeline to his wardrobe. He needs to figure out what to wear, pronto.

Skipping her afternoon kip was not something Alma did, it was a rare occurrence which meant one thing: something special was happening.

Walking down Oxford Street, trying to decide where to get some lunch without a care in the world, that was until the calmness faded, when her schedule for the day hit her.

She had a date with Harry. A date, with Harry Styles. It was weird to go by his full name in her head, she couldn't bring herself to call or think about him as The Harry Styles.

Maybe she'd settle to call him Harry the tube guy.

The clock on her phone showed that it was no longer single figure hours, she needed to get some food now or starve until her shift was over, and then he would have to watch her feast at whatever place he chose. Alma groaned, thought how ridiculous it was to worry about him watching her eat. Harry was a grown man; of course he knows that women eat too, right?

Walking into the nearest Sainsbury's she decided to take a deep breath. He's just some guy, she concluded after paying for her chicken baguette. Nothing to stress about.

Harry showered again, while belting out some classic pop tunes. Namely Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears, something that in the past he'd swear blind you'd misheard and it was actually The Rolling Stones or Pink Floyd. But he'd come to terms that he liked what he liked.

Towel clad in the bedroom, trying to shirk off hypothermia, he was quick to put on some pants and jeans, before throwing on some simple white tee proclaiming some fading band name. He uses a dry clean towel from the closet and attempts to dry his hair, as he styles his flopped mop the thought of a haircut crosses his mind. It was getting a bit long.

One last look at the clock and he is ready to leave. "You'll be fine. Trust me." He quietly speaks to himself before closing the last few buttons of his green parka and fixing the newsboy cap on his head.

When he walks out of Colindale tube station, a little earlier than half past five, he sees the bakery from her instructions just below the large modern building Alma was kind enough to describe. She was right; the bakery is right across the street, he waits for the green man to light up to cross, shoving his hands in his pockets. The huge front windows of the establishment allow Harry to see her behind the till, feeling the heat rise to his cheeks. She looks better than she did three weeks ago. He hesitates about going in for a few minutes, but feels it ought to be better than to lurk on the street.

Alma can feel his presence the moment he sets foot into the shop, her eyes are drawn to him and a content close lipped smile is the best greeting he could ask from her. The only customer in the place can feel the shift in the atmosphere when they lock eyes. So, picking up her bag full of baked goods, she steps out and leaves them alone.

"Sorry if I'm too early." He begins while she takes off her apron and hangs it in the back wall.

"You're right on time," Alma says after checking her watch, "I'm off Carlos, see you tomorrow!" She hollers to the employee that is taking a non-allowed nap in the back. Harry holds the door open for her and follows out of the warm store. "Shall we take the tube?" At his affirmative response, she then takes out her Oyster card and leads the way.

The café was not somewhere Alma expected Harry to go, the little shop with soothing music and simple stools full of the scent of organic coffee brewing is dazzling and unique. A bit like him, she thinks. She liked it. It reminded her of the places she used to frequent when she had recently moved into the city.

Harry orders a black coffee at the counter before asking Alma what she'd like.

"A cappuccino, and remember I'm paying for our food," she hands him a tenner that he reluctantly takes from her.

"Absolutely," he iterates the order to the woman behind the counter and adds two salted caramel cupcakes handing over the cash. "If you get a seat, I'll bring it over."

Alma thanks him before scampering across the room to sit at the back two seat table tucked in the corner. It was right beside the large back window, dimly lit. Before she sat, she removed her signature burgundy coat and Harry couldn't help his eyes being drawn to certain aspects of his companion. Nice arse, he remarked with a raise of his brows before the woman behind the counter tells him for the third time that his order is ready, a look of disdain as she probably caught his gaze. Giving her a sheepish smile to appease her, he manages to balance the two plates and mugs in his hands and walk over to the table.

"They asked if you wanted whipped cream or foam and I settled for foam, hope that's not a problem." He plonks himself on the seat across from her, removing his parka in a clumsy manner before hanging it in the back of the chair.

"No problem, I actually despise–

"Whipped cream, yeah, I kind of remembered what you told me about that birthday party of yours," the green eyed lad finishes for her and scratches the back of his neck. "You know with that dare..."

Her eyes flickered down to the cupcakes laid out before them and she started picking the caramel out of one, hoping to hide the nerves his words caused.

"Right enough, yeah... I can't believe you remembered that or that I told you about it." She chuckled nervously at the anecdote she chose to share with him, it was a bit inappropriate due to the amount of vomit around it, literally. But he shrugged with a charming smile. No big deal. "Nice place," she noted.

"I know it's a bit of a strange choice. It doesn't strike me as, you know, the kind of place you put so much effort into for a first date..." Harry stops talking and now his eyes meet the cupcake in front of him. "Bollocks I must have sounded so daft, I'm sorry." Lucky for him, she doesn't laugh, instead she reaches out to stroke his hand and give it a gentle squeeze.

"Nothing to be sorry about, I can be quite daft so..."

"I doubt that Miss suave." He gets a laugh out of her then, one that is almost a snort and earns a few glances from other customers.

"I’m far from it! Honestly, I once accidentally stepped on dog shit and didn't notice until my date couldn't bear the stink anymore and checked my shoe, in a very fancy restaurant. Terrible story. Trust me, I can be daft." Alma held up her hands and the musician giggled at her.

"Promise you won't laugh?" he raised an eyebrow at her, pleading. She promised. "Well, I kind of always wanted to have a first date here. It's always one of the first places I visit when I'm back in London, the food is amazing, and service is excellent. Came here completely hung-over after my twenty-first birthday party. I guess it has a lot of good memories." Pinked cheeks gave away Harry's embarrassment, he wanted to relax and for her to be more comfortable around him.

With a sincere smile Alma placed her hand over his resting on the table. "I think that is very sweet." This reply was not what he had expected; she leant in and beckoned him closer. "For your information Harry, this is exactly a great place for a first date." Up close he swore the darkness of her eyes were about to swallow him whole and spit him out to an alternate universe. He swallowed hard and took a sip of his coffee to distract himself a bit. Perhaps caffeine was not a good choice on a day where his heart was speeding so frequently.

"Did you have a good day today at work?" he asks with a familiarity that Alma can get used to.

"Yeah, had a bit of free time to plan my next video blog. It's been ages since I uploaded one." She bashfully admits. "This cupcake was delicious, a great flavour choice." And just like that they fall into easy conversation until their cups are drained. The place is almost empty around quarter to eight and they both know it's almost closing time –the death glances from the employees behind the counter gave it away. They put on their garments again before leaving.

Harry makes his way to the door expecting Alma to follow. Instead she first gathered up their mugs and plates, to place them neatly on the counter and thanked the three workers behind it with a genuine smile. Harry looked surprised; she didn't quite have to do that. She noticed.

"Just being polite," she stated the obvious, before walking under his arm that held open the door. He chose not to comment and fought back a smile.

They stood outside, not really sure of what to do next. Usually he would suggest going back to his place. It was near, but he watched her yawn discreetly and he suddenly remembered that she had a real job, well actually jobs in plural. He broke the silence.

"It was nice to see you again Alma." He meant it and she smiled as she toyed with the buttons of her coat. British summer weather was hardly cold, but today it seemed to be punishingly windy. Harry near gave a shiver, but instead took a deep breath before speaking again. It was now or never. "It'd be quite great, if I could... I'd like to see you again. Please." He shifted on one foot, nearly drowned in the silence that followed.

"I'd quite love to see you again," Harry gave a slight gulp, very slight and got out strength from the words she spoke to take a big risk, the first of today.

He stepped closer and cradled her face in his hands before leaning down and kissing her cheek. It wasn't the full on kiss he wanted to give her. But it is something he'd been dying to do since he first saw her today, something he hoped would make clear how attracted he was to her. Harry smelled like coffee and caramel. God this man's lips are prettier up close, she thought right before he straightened up.

She stayed close to him before speaking again. A low murmur so that the passing London traffic wouldn't steal her words from him.

"This was an amazing date."

Alma walked with him the long distance of one mile to the tube station, their hands brushing against each other. He was desperate to just hold hers, kiss her soft knuckles and ask about the lightning-shaped scar on her little finger. But decided against it, he knew that West Hampstead was not a common area for paparazzi, but he didn't want to risk her. Especially after the splendid afternoon they just shared.

They said their farewells.

"I'll call you," he said again. She warned that he better, before entering the station, he took great delight in watching her walk away from him, his gaze falling once more to her bum now covered by the coat. Harry spun on his heel and walked the short distance to his home.

Surely London could help him find the lyrics for that tune, this city definitely had something.

///

Let me know if you like the story! *** Join the taglist!

///

TAG LIST: @laurxn-robinson​ @mellamolayla​ 

[itswildwinters]

Seeing as it’s the holidays for me, I’ve had time to read (and re-read) quite a lot of fics, and I felt like sharing some of them with you. It’s my first time doing a fic recs post, so I hope it’s useful and not too much of a mess, especially since it’s quite long!

If you do end up reading any of these stunning fanfics, don’t forget to leave kudos and comments to show your appreciation!

Enjoy!! ✩

✩ baby blue by @soldouthaz​ (39k)

summary: Harry Styles takes his time coming out to greet them. Louis only knows what he’s seen on file and what he’s heard them talking about, but he fully lives up to the image he had inside of his head. 

He saunters down the front steps of the farmhouse in his Levi’s, brown snakeskin boots curving out from underneath the denim Louis’ sure he had specially made. He’s got on a plaid button-down tucked into the jeans because of course he does, curls spilling out from either side of his cowboy hat around his sunglasses and country-tan skin. 

“Harry Styles,” he drawls, extending a hand to Louis’ manager, “Pleased to meet ya’ll.”

I loved the dynamic between Cowboy Harry and Celebrity Louis. What I also really enjoyed about this fanfic is that the depiction of farm life was accurate. The way the story is written really gets you into action, so that you can picture everything quite well through the Louis-centric third point of view. 

✩ The Space Between by @lads-laddylads​ (39k)

summary: Harry Styles is the alpha rockstar who can’t sleep and doesn’t know why. Louis Tomlinson is the omega PhD student who helps him figure it out.

A/B/O fanfic. I loved how Alpha Harry acted upon seeing Louis for the first time. You can really feel the tension and attraction through the screen, which is one of my all time favourite things. The way their relationship builds up is a delight, and Louis is a darling and so courageous in the end with how he deals with Harry, even when Harry is being an idiot. The connection they have at the end... just wow!

✩ fae series: Boiling Blood Will Circulate and Warming The Air Of The World by @crazyupsetter​ (42k and 3k)

summary of Boiling Blood Will Circulate: The wait isn’t long before something starts rustling in the bushes. Harry takes aim, squeezes the trigger, body moving unconsciously. They’re motions he’s done a thousand times before, and his body knows how to do it without the input of his brain now. It’s what makes him such a good shot.

He misses. The shot misses.

Something howls in the woods, a pretty clear indication that Harry hit it, but there’s no telltale sounds of a big body dropping, no animal charging out at him to take him out before he can finish the job.

Something does turn and run, though. “Fuck,” Harry spits out, scrambling to his feet and slinging the rifle back over his shoulder, giving chase. He’s not going to lose this hunt.

The trail of blood goes on longer than Harry thought it would. He doesn’t know how long he runs for, but his muscles are burning, chest heaving with exertion, until the trail just - goes dead. No more blood, just like that.

“Fuck,” Harry says.

I am a sucker for fantasy/supernatural fanfics, and this one is absolutely incredible. The suspense in there is well-built, and the dynamic between Louis and Harry leaves you hungry for more. There’s a lot of blood in this series, so if you’re not into that you should be careful, but for me the author really puts into perspective how complicated and different from mankind faeries are.

✩ With a whimper by @kitundercover​ (132k)

summary: Dystopian AU. Louis has been alone for too long to remember how not to be, and Harry has too much to worry about to deal with a scrawny, wild, stranger.

---

The man grips his arm tightly. “You’re not going to say anything.” It’s not a question.

Louis shakes his head, his body twitching.

“Fine.” Large green eyes survey him before letting go. “It’s cold. Take this. Wear it.”

Louis can’t help another flinch as the man’s long scarf is wrapped around his tender neck, it’s still warm. He touches the soft material. “Thank you.”

The man bears his teeth. “Don’t thank me. Don’t ever thank me.”

If you are into dystopian works, and doesn’t mind violence, blood and gore, this fic will make your day! I loved the world-building, the way it’s written, how Louis’ character is portrayed and how strong he is. I just couldn’t stop reading once I began. The secrets of the plot, the fear of the characters, and the curiosity that sparks within you as you read contribute into making this fic a unique one that’s so worth the read.

✩ Soaked In The Blood Of Angels by @crazyupsetter​ (40k)

summary: The boy looks drugged, caught between a man who’s almost twice his size and a girl who looks like she wouldn’t even break a sweat snapping him in half despite her small stature, eyes closed and mouth open as he pants, arching up between them almost as if he’s trying to escape.

Normally, Harry would ignore it and continue on his search for someone to drink from, someone who wouldn’t mind his sharp teeth and rough hands. He’s seen plenty of boys like this one, ones who picked the wrong playmates, and if he stopped to rescue every single one of them he would have died from thirst a long time ago.

This one, though. There’s something about this one, the sheen of his bright blue eyes as he blinks slowly, looks around as though he doesn’t know where he is, the weakness of his hands as he tries to push the girl off of him and make his escape.

Another magnificent creatures/fantasy fanfic. The writing is absolutely exquisite, and I love how hard to get Louis is. The violence between Louis and Harry might bother some people, but to me it really spiced up their relationship and made Louis and Harry, who are creatures of gloom, particularly interesting and even real, somehow.

✩ Play Pretend, Find a Friend? by @angelichl​ (40k)

summary: They had to pull back for air. Louis surveyed the guy’s face, in awe of his blown pupils and sharp jawline, the way their shared spit glistened on his lips.

“Hi,” he breathed. He blinked, and came back to himself a little bit, blushing at his own boldness. “Sorry. Is this okay?”

The stranger removed his right hand from the curve of Louis’ waist in order to cup his jaw, tilting it up to the angle he desired. He pressed their lips together, murmuring, “Definitely.” And then he kissed harder.

When Louis sees his ex-boyfriend kissing a random girl at a party, he acts out of blind jealousy. He kisses the first guy he can find. It turns into a thing.

Where do I start? I usually don’t like fake-relationship AUs since most of the time Louis and Harry are famous, which make it less fun to me. But in this fic, they’re students and Harry is a frat boy while Louis is a nerd, but it’s not cliché or anything. It’s actually so well-written and the relationship between Louis and Harry takes time to progress which I absolutely love, seeing as I am a sucker for slow burn. Harry is so sweet as a frat boy, and Louis is an angel. Really loved reading this.

✩ at your fingertips by @risthebrave​ (27k)

summary: He finds himself wrapped up in sheets in bed on Thursday night, staring at the familiar name on a new story that was posted the night before.

His fingers twitch, ready to hit play and surrender to his impulses, saving the regret and turmoil for later.

And still he hesitates, internally praying that he’ll somehow gain the strength to exit out within the next few moments before he inevitably loses his patience and hits the button.

Three…

Two…

One.

Play.

-

Or, Louis really should have seen it coming.

Besides being well-written, the whole plot is quite original. I absolutely loved Louis in there, especially since all of his insecurities made me relate to him. He’s so sweet, and I’m glad Harry was there to get him to open-up and see how amazing he is. I had so many moments of secondhand embarrassment haha, and they made the fic all the more amazing. Honestly, what really struck me in this fic is how the author managed to make Harry such an amazing person, and how intrepid Louis is while he learns to overcome his insecurities.

✩ Nothing But You On My Mind by @absoloutenonsense​ (83k)

summary: Louis Tomlinson is a PR manager hired to improve the image of royal bad-boy Prince Harry Styles. Unfortunately for him, that means being faced with the Prince's constant innuendos, incessant dirty jokes, and relentless flirting. Louis just wants to make it to Princess Gemma's coronation; once she's crowned Queen, his contract is up and he never has to see the Prince again.

It was such a joy to read this fic. Even though Harry pissed me off on more than one occasion, I took great satisfaction in how Louis ignored him or replied with one of his witty comebacks. The plot twist was just awesome and Harry’s stubbornness ended up being very much welcome.

✩ push you out, pull you back in by @behisoneandonly​ (31k)

summary: Harry grips his head in his hands helplessly, yanking the base of his dark curls and squeezing his eyes shut.

“Fucking hell,” he whispers, knuckles turning white from how hard he’s gripping the strands of his hair.

“Hey, hey,” says the petite stranger in front of him, quickly standing up. “Stop, you’re hurting yourself.”

–

Or Harry hates feeling vulnerable. Louis is set on breaking through his tough facade.

Oh my god, this was truly wonderful. The size difference made me go crazy! The smut was just wow too. What really made this fic so incredible is how protective of Harry Louis is, and how Louis seems to just... understand Harry despite his issues. Jealous Harry also! I loved it. Moreover, Louis’ character is literally perfect in this.

✩ thinking about the t-shirt you sleep in by @absoloutenonsense​ (52k)

summary: Harry's alpha fraternity donates to a local thrift shop (because of Liam's latent crush on a cute beta in his lecture). Louis' financial situation (and confusing omega instincts) lead him to make some interesting fashion purchases. Lots of pizza, feelings, and not-really-lying.

I’ve read and re-read this. I love Louis and Harry’s dynamic, and how they solve their troubles in the end. Harry is such a sweet soul, and Louis deserves the world!

✩ Canyon Moon by @eeveelou​ (40k)

summary: For as long as Louis has remembered, he has been promised to be mated to Harry, his best friend and the future pack alpha. But Louis’s heart belonged to the forest and to the hunt more than he could ever imagine it belonging to Harry.

Then Harry’s father dies in a violent accident, and Louis’s future alpha disappears on the wind.

An A/B/O Lion King AU

What really drew me in is that I’ve never before seen a larry fanfic on the Lion King, and honestly? It was so beautiful. The way the author made the plot of the cartoon go along with the A/B/O world was truly surprising, and absolutely interesting to read. Also, when Louis is introduced to the modern world? It’s such a sweet part of the fic.

✩ a trail of honey through it all by @yvesaintlourent​ (27k)

summary: The boy in front of him, well really, the man in front of him, was like something out of a confusing wet dream. Built, tall, tan and muscular, his skin glistened with sweat after a long day of working outdoors with his hands. He was wearing a cut up old American football shirt, the bottom hem was torn and the sleeves were cut off to the point where the t-shirt was really just a loose tank top. The shorts he had on had clearly been full length jeans at one point, and were now just crudely cut off above the knee. His white socks were pulled up too high on his calves, and the brown work boots he had on were old as fuck, the leather peeling along the edges of the soles. Curly brown hair stuck out from the edges of his backwards snapback, and there was a smudge of grease wiped along his brow bone. The smattering of hair along his jaw proved that he hadn’t shaved in a week or two, the hair growing in thicker across his upper lip and around his chin. His sinfully bowed mouth was pink and plump, and Louis was suddenly hyper-focused on the way that he chewed at the toothpick stuck between his lips. He looked like he needed a shower. Louis wanted to lick him.

Or, the TPH fic we’ve all been waiting for.

Trailer park Harry? HELL YEAH! The concept has been going on in the fandom for so long that when I saw someone finally wrote it, I was genuinely excited. And I wasn’t disappointed! The writing is wonderful and the way Louis and Harry grow closer is just so sweet. Loved it!

✩ The Healing Song series: The Healing Song and The Wedding by 2204 (111k and 3k)

summary of The Healing Song: Louis was carrying the large stuffed elephant like it was a baby, it’s trunk hanging over his shoulder and down his back and it’s front legs were resting around his neck, like it was hugging him. Said elephant was a present from Louis’ close friend Steve, who had thought Louis needed something to hug on bad days and had gifted him with a stuffed elephant the size of a one year old.

Steve had been right. Some days Louis did need something to hug, and this elephant was as good as anything.

Louis was having one of the rougher days. The harmonious state of the anxiety free life of a fearless Louis had ended the week after he met with Harry. It ended as abruptly as it had started. It was like pushing a button. Lights out. Almost as if the universe said “You’ve had your fun, crazy one, now go be sick” and slammed the door in his face.

Or where Louis is a single father of two, suffering from PTSD, and Harry is there providing soulmatey and loving support while he heals the wounds of past abuse.

God, this fic I swear! This made me cry, laugh, scream... this is a roller-coaster of emotions. It’s quite a hard fic to read, because it deals with past abuse and trauma. And it’s even harder knowing this story is based on real life events that the author went though. But the way it’s written, the way Harry helps Louis through his struggles and issues, it’s so beautiful and inspiring.

✩ Sunrise and Pixie Dust by @moonyblouie​ (14k)

summary: Harry's taking a walk at sunrise in the forest he knows like the back of his hand when the wind starts blowing, the sky turns pink, and golden glitter starts to fall from the sky. He’s not sure about what’s happening, but when he comes face to face with a gorgeous winged-creature, he can’t help but be immediately mesmerized.

Or an AU in which Harry finds himself crossing the borders between two worlds.

I loved this, the smut is so hot!! But the end... I really hope there will be a sequel! But other than that, the way Louis is written? Wonderful!

✩ Weightless by @smittenwithlouis​ (25k)

summary: He hopes that Harry still thinks of him. God knows Louis thinks of him every day.

Or: Harry is the best dragon racer the world has ever seen and Louis is an almost-vet who feels like he is carrying the weight of the world.

This was... just amazing, honestly. I loved loved loved every time Louis interacted with dragons, I could picture it and it’s just so so sweet. The way Louis is concerned about Harry’s safety, and Harry’s will to make Louis’ life better, to give him the freedom he deserves... it’s just beautiful.

✩ The Blood of Love by @mugglemirror​ (25k)

summary: Harry is a nurse and Louis is a painting worth more than a thousand words. As desire and darkness encompasses him, Harry has to learn the secrets of Thorne Hills manor before he succumbs to the mystery that surrounds him.

I absolutely loved this! The plot, the writing, the suspense, the secrets... everything was on spot and left me yearning for more. The atmosphere really makes the reader completely engrossed into what’s going on, and the end doesn’t disappoint. Dark fics have always been something that I enjoy reading, and this one definitely didn’t disappoint. Just wow!

✩ Latibule by @quelquesetoiles​

summary: Louis had worked in the infamous resort placed in the median point of all worlds for longer than he could remember. He went through everyday with a soul-crushing emptiness filling his mind, going through the same routine over and over again. Despite all the happenings around him, his soul never wavered, his emotions stayed superficial, and nothing took his breath away anymore.

Nothing, except the intoxicating smell of lavender and the contemplating green eyes that came along for the ride every now and again. His heart always seemed to wake up full force whenever those pretty lips formed around even prettier, yet empty promises, and he felt the magic sizzle in his bones again only when contact was made between the divine body and his own deceivingly normal one. He hated it for the fact he really didn’t.

Or : A Spirited Away AU of sorts where Louis just wants to heal and be left alone, only for all his plans to be destroyed by the hands of an infuriating British God.

I have read this at least three times, that’s how good this fic is. I am a sucker for mythology, like truly, and Louis and Harry’s dynamic in there had me screaming! Jealous Harry is the best thing, and the semi plot twist at the end made my heart jump. But besides the universe we readers are diving into, it’s also the writing that’s left me pleasantly drunk. The words flow together perfectly, at after each paragraph you just long for more. Also the pet names!!! Just beautiful.

✩✩✩

If there’s any mistakes, please let me know! 

[aahsokaatano]

King I would love that essay about Changing Channels

Fjdjshjdhdjd thanks for reading my tags Jesse you're the real VIP here.

Okay SO "Changing Channels" is the 8th episode of the 5th season of Supernatural. I give this information bc it's important in looking at the context of the episode - now I've complained a LOT about how SPN is terrible at giving us canonical timeframes within the episodes (y'all i was SHOCKED to discover the first season is supposed to cover a little over a year's worth of time, I thought it was like... 4 or 5 months) so I can't say for sure how long before and after the other episodes happen in-universe around "Changing Channels" BUT

The episode before is "The Curious Case of Dean Winchester" where Dean and Bobby bet years of their lives in a game of poker with a witch. The episode after is "The Real Ghostbusters" where Sam and Dean end up at a fan convention for the in-universe Supernatural novels.

Why am I pointing this out? Because it's important, please, no audience participation, this is like a Brian David Gilbert panel.

[under a cut bc this got...... STUPID long. Who knew I still had this many opinions about SPN in 2020?]

Okay first of all I wanna talk about the cinnamon topography of this episode - I love the way the first 5 seasons are shot because you really feel the americana gothic horror aesthetic they were going for (I have a whole ‘nother rant about the first 5 seasons vs the last 10 but thats for another time). Everything is a little washed out and grey-toned, the camera angles generally serve to make Sam and Dean appear even taller than they actually are (larger than life - again, another post for another time), and there’s honestly a LOT of shots from the ‘monster’s’ perspective, which is really neat! I’ve said it before (on another blog - YES i have a dedicated spn rant blog, don’t @ me hdjfhfjfh) but the episode that really got me hooked on spn back in the day was the second one, about the w*ndigo. Yes, it’s a racist, culturally appropriating shitstorm, but the way its SHOT is fantastic. I’m honestly not a horror fan, but that episode could have easily relied on jumpscares and they DIDN’T and it was scary as all fucking hell and just - fuck okay getting off topic. 

In “Changing Channels” we get that distinctive grey-washed tone in the beginning and the very end of the episode, but the middle? When they’re in TV Land? Everything is bright. Almost comically so, I mean - okay look at these two shots of Sam (apologies about the crappy phone pics, netflix won't let me screenshot)

This one is from the start of the episode, in the "real" police station

And this is from a little later in the "TV" hospital

Ignoring that my phone is washing him out a lot in both pics, you can still see the warmer tones in the hospital shot as compared to the cold greyness in the police station one

Okay, now look at this picture

Dean inside the Impala, and those warm tones are back. Why? Because even though Sam and Dean believe that they’re back in the “real” world, they aren’t - so instead of the grey-washed shots that we’re used to, its the bright and warm shots that we see in “TV Land”! So the viewers pick up, even if its just subconsciously, that the boys aren’t out of the woods yet - everything is still too bright to be the in-universe reality we’ve come to expect from SPN by season 5

Which is also why i love this shift so much

These shots are literally SECONDS apart. The first is in "TV Land" and the second is in the "real" world. I have some red strip lights behind my bed, which are reflecting off my laptop screen - notice how much brighter they seem in the second picture? That’s because literally all of the warm colors have been drained out of the shot. As soon as Gabriel snaps them all back into “reality,” things get so much colder.

Okay, so the second thing I want to talk about is some of the very pointed dialogue choices within the “shows” the Winchesters take part in. Not between Sam and Dan and Gabriel, but from the, for lack of a better term, NPCs within the shows.

In the hospital, Dr. Piccolo tells Sam that he is “the finest cerebrovascular neurosurgeon I have ever met - and I have met plenty! So that girl died on your table; it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Sometimes people just die.” Standard cheesy soap opera dialogue - but lemme just swap some words here and - 

“You are the finest hunter I have ever met - and I have met plenty! So that girl died on your hunt; it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Sometimes people just die.”

Or even - 

“You are the finest hunter I have ever met - and I have met plenty! So Jessica and Mary died above you; it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault [but Azazel’s]. Sometimes people just die.”

Keeping in mind that the NPCs are basically Gabriel’s mouthpieces, its easy to see why so many people ship Sabriel. I’d actually love to see a fic that explores them talking about this moment in particular later on and the kind of gentle forgiveness that Gabriel can give Sam... getting off topic again.

In an abrupt about-face, the herpes commercial (much meme’d within the fandom) is straight up Gabriel shaming Sam. Because if you replace “genital herpes” with “demon blood” it’s.... dark. And very intentional.

So that’s what I did! (I combined all spoken lines to make the message easier to read, rather than splitting them up across 3 speakers as in the episode)

“I’ve drank demon blood. I tried to be responsible... did I try. But now, after being forcibly detoxed, I fight my addiction every day to reduce the chances of passing back into that toxic mindset. Ask your loved ones about a demon blood intervention today. [...] I am doing all I can to slightly lessen the chance of drinking demon blood again. And that’s a good thing.”

Like... the subtext throughout this episode sure is. Something.

Okay this is getting ridiculously long so I wanna wrap up by talking about The Best Scene In The Whole Goddamn Show

I’m talking, of course, about Gabriel’s Confession

“Max,” you might be saying, “there are so many better scenes out there, even within the first five seasons!” and to that i say, again, no audience participation, please. Also, you’re WRONG and here’s why!

Gabriel’s confession hits every goddamn emotional chord that the fandom begged for on this show - fear, rage, grief, pain, guilt, and even, yes, absolution. 

Okay, here’s the scene again for those of you who don’t think about it at least once a week like me

Now this video is missing some of the conversation, but most of it is there, enough for you to see what I’m talking about. Gabriel up to this point has been, essentially, a nameless antagonist - this is the third episode he appeared in, and before this, we didn’t even know he was going by Loki. He was just referred to as ‘The Trickster’. But here, not only do we get a name (a real name at that), but we also get a glimpse of his backstory and a hell of a lot of character development in less than 5 minutes. I mean, Sam didn’t get this much character development throughout the entirety of season 1! There’s a good reason Gabriel has been a fan-favorite for a very long time, and I think a big part of it is this particular scene.

Because here, we get to see Gabriel being vulnerable. And we even see Dean show a little vulnerability, as he can empathize being the third party to explosive arguments between the two people who mean everything to him.

I mean... okay, it will never see the light of day, but I wrote a little bit of a Reverse ‘Verse fic (because I’m a sucker for Reverse ‘Verse) and this was the scene I started with. Not s1e1, not even the resurrection in s4e1, but this scene. Because this scene, more than any other, is critical to the way not only Gabriel’s (first) arc plays out, but also to how Sam and Dean conduct themselves for the rest of the season (and maybe a bit beyond, it’s been a hot minute since I watched s6 and later). Dean is angry but determined, he has a point to make, he is going to save Sammy and if he can’t do that, then he’s going to damn well die trying. But Sam... it’s after this episode that we start really seeing how bone-achingly tired Sam is. It’s after this conversation - where one of the other archangels, one of the few beings who can truly understand how powerful Michael and Lucifer are - says that there’s no other way around this that Sam seems to start inching towards giving in. Saying yes.

Sure, in the actual episode, he seems outraged by the idea, practically scoffs at it - “you want us to say yes to those sons of bitches?” - but it’s after this where Sam really seems run down.

I mean, look at the episodes before and after (HAH you thought I forgot about that first point I made at the very beginning of this post! I did, briefly, but I’ve circled back to it, thanks for being understanding). In “The Curious Case of Dean Winchester,” Sam behaves much as he did since the start of s4, which is to say, ‘annoying little know-it-all brother tossed into the middle of the apocalypse and just trying his best’ and it works well for the mad scramble for any scrap of information that’s happening in s4/early s5.

But in “The Real Ghostbusters” it’s different. This is another funny meta episode - except, while Sam and Dean are technically aware of the joke, they aren’t as amused by it as the audience is. And it’s not because of the ghosts. It’s because they’re just... done. Especially Sam. Dean has that nice little moment with the cosplayers at the end of the episode, but Sam... threatens to shoot Chuck. Sam ‘goes darkside’ more often than pretty much any other character in the show, but that moment is different. It’s a flat promise, not a threat. He’s not being an asshole, like he is after losing his soul. He’s just... done. And it’s obvious to see.

Gabriel’s confession is the turning point for Sam in s5, and it informs a lot of his behavior through the rest of s5, and possibly beyond! Like I said, I haven’t watched past s5 in a very long time, so I don’t feel confident enough to analyze that specific sort of character line, but I feel confident in saying that hearing one of the most powerful beings in the universe basically say “it doesn’t matter what you do - your destiny is unavoidable” and then he’s proven right (Sam says yes to Lucifer, and Dean eventually does say yes to Michael down the line!)... like, that’s really gotta fuck up your world view that was built on free will and throwing off the shackles of fate. Sam managed to avoid his ‘destiny’ in s2... but then it turns out that that wasn’t ever his destiny. Lucifer was his destiny.

Talk about an obscured view of the inner self.

[swannsjack]

Absolutely DISGUSTED by the mainstream media’s smear campaign of Johnny Depp

there are literally tapes of Amber Heard admitting to hitting, punching, throwing things at Johnny Depp, being a gaslighting lil’ sh*t. And only a handful of MSM reported on those. And that’s not to mention SHE ADMITTED IT UNDER OATH during her deposition.

But ONE frustrated text is being reported by all of them. The double standard is absolutely outrageous.

And not just the fact that they spread it like fire, but the HOW. Threatened. Vowed. etc. I’m sorry what? First of all, the text message was:

1. sent to a friend, NOT Amber. She didn’t know it existed so she couldn’t have been threatened by it.

2. Followed by saying “I’m too f*cked in the head to spray my rage at the one I love” so what vow when he literally said he’d never do it?

Amber Heard is someone who provenly cheated on Johnny Depp with multiple people. Abused him mentally, violently physically, nearly killed him, made false allegations about him, turning the story around on him, which lead to him losing his good name and his career, his kids being bullied, him having suicidal thoughts.

BUT HIM BEING FRUSTRATED BY HER BEHAVIOUR AND VENTING IN A PRIVATE MESSAGE TO A FRIEND IS THE PROBLEM HERE? THAT MAKES HIM AN ABUSER OR A HORRIBLE PERSON? Or means he doesn’t deserve to feel sorry for?

I HAVE SAID WORSE THINGS ABOUT MY OWN ABUSIVE FATHER. I wished he’d d*e, so many times. Does that make him any less abusive? Does that make me and my family any less of abuse victims? Am I an awful person for wishing the abuse to stop?!

Does this make Rose McGowan any less of a victim? Does it make Harvey Weinstein any less of a disgusting abuser/predator/rapist? 

If you answered “NO” to all of those then there’s zero fcking reason for these texts from Johnny Depp to make him any less of a victim, any less innocent, than he was before. 

If you answered “yes” then honestly F*ck you. It happens. There are cases when a victim killed their abuser when they just couldn’t take it any more. Which is an extreme, certainly, but it can happen and while the person would still go to jail, you’d still feel for them because they were a victim of abuse and they just couldn’t take it anymore.

JOHNNY DEPP DID NOTHING BUT SENT A FRUSTRATED TEXT MESSAGE. And pushed her away when she was attacking him. That’s the restraint he had. And that is CONFIRMED BY HER ON THE DAMN AUDIO. And her own parents confirmed she was not abused and told Johnny he has the right to feel angry she made those allegations. 

And let’s put one more thing into perspective, shall we?

We all know Johnny had struggled with addiction in the past. He started taking pills to deal with his mental health and the abusive household he grew up in. Obviously that’s something you struggle with your whole life.

But I don’t think anyone could argue against him being perfectly fine before Amber Heard. You all know he was. Then Amber Heard happend and all of a sudden his problem was back. Want to know why?

After sending that ONE TEXT, he immediately followed, not only by saying he would never hurt her, but he went and HARMED HIS OWN DAMN SELF by taking pills to numb the pain. But the media won’t write headlines about that, will they? lying cowards.

HE SACRIFICED HIS OWN HEATLH rather than harming her. THINK ABOUT THAT. 

And you all now can mock him that he’s a drunk or does drug. Having fun with that... and what fun it is. Mocking an abuse victim for being in so much pain he had to do drugs so often to numb himself. Congratulations y’all.

I feel the need to point out, they have 70 000 text messages and THIS is apparently the worst thing they found, him venting to a third party, followed by saying he’d never do it and him harming himself instead. WOW.

Of course saying those things is not exactly okay. But you are lying to yourself if you say that’s not COMMON, to have violent disturbing thoughts about your abusers or people that have hurt you or someone you love. It is common. We’ve all done it. We’ve all wished someone to suffer and die because the pain they caused was so big (sometimes people even say “I’m gonna kill you” about stupid things). The thing is you DON’T actually act on it. You think it to relieve yourself, to vent your frustrations. If you say you’ve never had such a thought, you’re either lying, or have never been hurt.

And to all jumping on this thinking it’s a proof he abused her. Please, wake the hell up. The text doesn’t say “this is what I did”. There is still no evidence against him.

And his one angry text certainly didn’t cancel out the MOUNTAIN of evidence of her lies and her abusing him. It makes me feel sick the way the media jumped on this to report it and the remaining abuse apologists, latched onto it the way they did.

Take a good look in the mirror. You people have tweeted disgusting things about him. Wishing him death, wanting to strangle him, wanting him to die of a serious illness. I used to see these tweets constantly at the high point of the “johnny depp is an abuser” fiasco. So don’t act like he’s the worst person ever for having a moment of anger he put into words. He had every right to feel angry. He still does. This woman along with media DESTROYED him over something he didn’t do. He gets to feel angry. He gets to feel whatever he wants to feel. As long as no one is getting hurt. And well, she’s not burned, is she? So stfu.

I will finish but a little detail most people are again ignoring. Both The Sun and Amber Heard, who he sued, have tried to make the evidence private. WHY? Why would either of them want the evidence private if it proves they are right and he was the abuser? Why is he the one fighting to have it ALL public, even the seemingly bad parts. Why is she the one trying to dismiss the case, where she could prove she’s telling the truth once and for all? Why is Johnny Depp the one fighting to have the case go to trial in front a judge and a jury? Abusers don’t do that. Abusers lead smear campaigns and try to run away from a trial.

[ian-the-existential-crisis]

Now They Lay Me Down to Sleep (Apex Legends WIP)

There were times, such as the current time with him sitting and impatiently waiting, that one Elliott Witt wished he could vanish. Maybe take a small vacation from being Elliott Witt and be someone else for a while. That would be nice. He would leave his body, go out into the world as a new person, and experience everything with a fresh set of eyes and new perspective on life. But that wouldn't happen. He had his poor mother to think about.  

His mother, Evelyn Witt, only had him. She didn't talk about what happened to his father, for all Elliott knew he could actually be alive somewhere. And his brothers, well, life was cruel. One day Elliott was the youngest of the four of them then the next thing he knew he was the only one left. Gods, how he wished he could have been there. Maybe if he were there something might have been different. Maybe they wouldn't be….

His mother hated talking about his brothers in the past tense. Sometimes, on bad days, she would still set out plates for everyone.  She would eagerly wait for them to walk through the door, and she would have the brightest smile on her face when Elliott came home from work. Maybe that's why he could never get himself to move out. He couldn't imagine her sitting at home, alone at the dining table, silently waiting for a family that would never come.

She was supportive though. In everything he wanted to do. When he decided not to enter the science field, taking up her mantle in the study and creation of her famous holo-tech, even though he understood it perfectly and was quite good at it, in order to open his own business, she encouraged him. Hell, she even helped him to pay for the bar. He naturally paid her back, sneaking checks into her account because his mother was a stubborn woman who would and had outright refused the money back. When he originally talked about entering the Apex Games, she gave him a soft smile and told him to follow his heart. When he decided not to, she frowned at him and told him that he could do anything he wanted and he should never let others hold him back. In the back of his mind he knew, she knew, that he didn't enter because he didn't want to leave her a childless mother.

And that's exactly what it was.

He bounced his foot. All this waiting was driving him nuts.

He didn't want to leave her alone in the world. That's why he was here, in the waiting room of a small clinic not far from his bar, the Paradise Lounge. They lived on the outskirts of Solace City, so it wasn't hard for Elliott to say that he needed to pop into the bar for work instead of being honest with her. He didn't want her to think anything was wrong.

He was just having some trouble sleeping.

And honestly, he wouldn't be here if those damned sleeping pills had worked like they were supposed to. If anything, they only seemed to make his sleepless nights worse. The last time he was here he told the doctor about it.  His doctor said it could probably be the pills he was taking, or perhaps he had a tolerance to them, since he had issues sleeping for a while, or it could even be his stress affecting the way the pills worked. And while she assured him it was nothing to worry about, she asked him if he would mind taking some kind of genetic test. Really, anything to have a good night's sleep, he was willing to try.

"Elliott." The receptionist called him. She gave him a smile that didn't reach her wrinkled eyes. "Katrina will see you now."

"Thank you, Grace." He stood, hitting his foot against the leg of the chair, stumbling. "I'll see you Friday for karaoke night?"

She was a regular at his bar. Her and her friends came every Friday for karaoke, and she and her wife showed up every once in a while for the afternoon poetry session. It had taken a while to learn that they only showed up when Grace's wife Ester could sneak away from work, which had her traveling through the galaxy as a translator. They were an older couple, so Elliott couldn't wait for the days when they would stay late for the poetry readings and tell him all about their travels. Well, mostly Ester's travels. Grace mainly stayed in Solace City.

"Wouldn't miss it." Her smile brightened.

He gave her a nod as he passed on his way back through the wooden door. There were a few other doors, passed the main wooden one, in the hall, but Elliott had been here enough to know, it was the third one on the left.

"Ms. Nox?" He tapped a knuckle on the door before entering. "Sorry to bother you."

Katrina motioned him to sit down. She cradled a phone to her ear and the smile on her face said everything. It must have been her son. Which made Elliott feel a ping of guilt for interrupting her. He knew how he was when he was on the phone with his mother. This was the same, no matter what anyone said.

Katerina was a nice, older, woman. She had kind green eyes and dark gray hair. And while she was almost seventy, Elliott had the date for her big birthday party booked and planned for, even if it was two years away, she still wanted to give back to the community. She was once a doctor on staff at a children's hospital on Gaea, but she said an accident happened a few years ago, involving her son Alexander, and she decided it was time to move to Solace. Elliott pretended not to know, but with internet access at four in the morning when the rest of the world is asleep, it wasn't hard to find out.

She always said it was okay, now that she moved to Solace she was closer to her other son. Her adopted son.  Elliott didn't know much about him, but she always smiled and talked about how he would tinker with his 'toys'.

"I have a patent now, so I have to go." She said after a moment. "Yes, yes. Be safe. I love you too, t-" She paused the phone smushed into her cheek as she riffled through papers. "Mmmhm. You too, goodbye, Hyeon." She laughed as she lifted the phone from her shoulder, turning it off. "I'm sorry Elliott, my son is such a talker. And he's made a new friend, so I must know every detail about his life. Please, please have a seat."

"Thank you Ms. Nox." He said, pulling out one of the comfy chairs across from her desk. "I was originally just coming in to check up, but you called me on my way here. Were you able to find stronger sleeping pills that might help."

She shifted, her happy smile from before all but a ghost. "No. Actually, I received the results from the test I asked you to take."

"Oh, yeah? I didn't realize they would be back so soon. I lose time, too many hours to burn just doing nothing." He chuckled nervously. "How was it?"

"Oh Elliott." She said, her hands filing on top of some papers. "I would like to be frank with you. This will be hard to hear so please steel yourself."

Those words, that sad tone of voice made Elliott freeze. Something was wrong. How was he going to do this to his mother?

"You have fatal familial insomnia. It is also known as FFI. It is a genetic mutation where…"

Her words droned on. He stopped paying attention. The word fatal was bad. That was bad. It was bad. Everything was horrible. No, she had to be wrong. Or maybe it was just the name. Who the fuck is sadistic enough to name a nonfatal disease fatal family-whatever?

"Is there a cure?" He asked. He could feel his heart speed up. His palms sweaty. He already knew the answer. She had told him to prepare himself.

"No." She sighed.

"Like nothing you can do? That's redi-rided- that stupid, there has to be something."

"Unfortunately putting you into cryosleep would be the equivalent of placing you in a coma early. Wouldn't you rather have what time you have left, not spent like that?" She explained. "Look, it's always hard to be handed a death sentence. But we can-"

"No!" Elliott stood. "You don't understand. I'm the last one. I'm the only one left. I can't leave her like this. Just because I can't sleep? It has to be something else."

Katrina took out a pad of paper, scribbling down an address. "I surely hope I'm wrong on this, but the genetic test was positive. This is the address to one of my dear friends who specializes in sleep study. Feel free to reach out to him."

Elliott eagerly took the paper. "I will. Thank you Ms. Nox."

----

Elliott of all people understood that life was unfair and cruel. Without reason, people leave, disappear, and die. Elliott knew that better than most. But he stupidly thought that his family had suffered enough that nothing else would happen.

How foolish he was.

His foot tapped impatiently as he waited for his mother to reenter the room. He had so many things he wanted to say. He also had a few questions she probably couldn't answer. Even if she, herself, had the answers, she was having so issues with her memory as of late.

She entered, wiping her hands on the blue apron she used when she was baking. Elliott half way hoped she wanted to make pork chops for dinner, so he could make them with her again just like old times.

"Oh, dear, what's wrong?" She frowned at him. "I can tell by that look on your face that something's the matter. Out with it."

"Mom. I-" His brain stopped working. What was he supposed to say? 'Yes, mom, I went to five different doctors in the last three months, and they all tell me I probably won't last a year. Sorry your whole family died on you. I tried my best.' He could only imagine how well that would play out.

"I- uh- I want to join the Apex Games."

"Is that all?" Evelyn looked at him confused.

TBC (?)

[alexisn11233]

Blog 1-6

                                                       Get Out

        As someone who cannot really watch horror without having nightmares and thinking about, Get Out is a film I admired and watched even before taking this course. Watching Get Out years ago when I always stay away from horror movies is a huge step for me and I definitely did not regret watching it then. However, after watching the sensational film, Get Out for the second time, I definitely noticed large symbols depicted in the film.

I didn’t have any knowledge on the momentous symbols portrayed throughout the film when I had watched the film for the first time a few years prior. Had I never taken this course I would have never known of the hidden meanings Jordan Peele imputed throughout the film. For instance, I had never even considered the sunken place of being a symbol for mass incarceration. However, I can’t stop thinking of how talented Jordan Peele and others that have worked on the film to bring such a powerful meaning to the movie that is a large issue with people of color. 

Another large symbol that was shown in the film was the deer. In the scene where Chris and Rose are on the way to Rose’s family’s home, they hit a deer. Rose is not too interested in the deers wellbeing, whereas we see Chris strongly concerned. He then finds the deer dead, which causes Chris to tear up. We then saw the deer towards the end of the movie where another deer was hung up on the wall in front of Chris while he was trapped in the chair by Rose’s family. He then uses that same deer head to kill Rose’s father. Another theme I saw with the deer was how Chris had to get out of the car after hitting it and check on the deer. Chris’s actions during that scene stems from severe trauma he has endured with his mom being killed in a hit and run. The driving deer scene is not the only segment where Chris’s actions were determined by the event of losing his mother from a hit and run. We also see Chris doing the same thing towards the end of the movie with Georgina. He ran Georgina over in order to escape from being killed, however, he couldn’t bare to leave her alone and die. This is probably because he knew there was some life leftover from the real Georgina and he didn’t want to leave her alone to die just as his mother did. The event of the hit and run with his mother had a massive impact on Chris’s decisions throughout the film, one time being life or death for him.

To conclude, there are countless symbols in Jordan Peele’s movie that have been cleverly imputed and have spoken volumes, whether it’s racial themes that exist in today’s world or connections. However, these are the symbols that really stuck out to me having analyzed the film. I am grateful to learn all of this knowledge and look at the movie differently because of this course, it made me look at this great film very differently, and see things from a new perspective. 

BLOG 2

                                                  ��           Us

          After watching Jordan Peele’s second most popular film, Us and discussing it in class there was a plethora of symbols throughout the movie. In today’s blog I’d like to get into the themes and talk about the movie in depth.

In the beginning of the movie we are introduced to a little girl and her 2 parents at the pier which we later find out is Red. Red goes to the hall of mirrors where the tethered are and comes across Adelaide. After that we are not sure why the little girl is acting differently and her parents go to a psychologist. At this point in the movie the viewers don’t know what happened until the end of the movie which explains how Adelaide switched places with Red. We are then introduced to the main characters which are the Wilsons. The Wilsons are a middle class family who take a vacation to Santa Cruz with their friends who have kids the same age. We are first introduced to this white middle class family (the friends) when they meet at the beach. This is where the first theme is seen, isolation. We can see that the Wilsons are the only black family surrounded by white families, which creates a sense of loneliness. Even though the Wilsons experience the feeling of isolation, they are a privileged black family. They can afford to rent this beautiful house during their vacation and Gabe being able to buy a boat. 

Another theme would be the Preparedness and Survival Mindset. When the Wilsons first encountered the tethered in front of their house Gabe’s first reaction was to handle the situation himself. When they learned the police wasn’t coming for a while Gabe quickly grabbed a baseball bat as a weapon and was preparing. Although they were more fearful when they first broke into the house after the scene where Red explained who they were by the fireplace, the Wilsons quickly went into survival mode. Whether it was tricking the tethered or running them over with their car the Wilsons quickly got into the survival mindset and were not willing to give up. 

That being said there were many themes and symbols in the film, many were not listed. This movie was very well done and was very much so a plot twist that I didn't see coming at all. The themes of isolation, privilege, and survival mindset were the ones that stood out to me the most while watching the film and reviewing the lecture.

BLOG 3 

                                                   Eve’s Bayou

          Eve’s Bayou is about a little girl, Eve and her family. She has 2 siblings, a beautiful mother, and a father who is a doctor and they live in this small area. The dad is seen as some kind of superhero to everyone and is unfaithful to his wife. Eve just wants to be the apple of her father’s eye but is jealous from the attention her older sister and younger sister get. The movie starts out showing a party thrown by the family. In the scene we are shown the father dancing comfortably with another woman who is not Eve’s mother so we quickly suggest something more is going on. He later sleeps with that woman in the shed where Eve fell asleep in and catches his father doing the act. Eve is traumatized and doesn’t tell her mother, but she does tell her sister. Her sister who believes her father can do no wrong and is in denial convinces Eve she made a mistake in which she saw. 

The most climactic moment of the film is when Eve’s sister, Sicily is acting completely different or depressed. They don’t know what’s wrong with her and she finally tells Eve what happened to her. That their father kissed Sicily then hit her. Eve is infuriated that her father abused her sister but is not allowed to tell anyone what Sicily told her in private. She decides to go to the “crazy” voodoo woman so she can kill her dad for what he did to her sister. The dad eventually dies not from the voodoo but from being shot by an angry husband whose wife Eve’s father was having an affair with. We then later learn after the father is dead, that Sicily was lying and twisting the story the whole time. Sicily was in love with her father and was rejected by him when she tried to kiss him. Eve is furious once she learns this and believes she is the one that killed her father for no reason. 

In the film, we saw the themes of curses, voodoo, manipulation, and deception. Eve’s aunt Mozell loses her third husband in a car accident and everyone including herself believes she is cursed. We see the theme of voodoo with the woman with the face paint who has a stand at the marketplace who Eve goes to for help in killing her father. We also see manipulation from Sicily when she tries to convince Eve that she didn’t see anything happen in the shed because she was in love with her father. She also manipulated and deceived her sister into thinking that her father hit and abused her, when she twisted the story because she resented him for rejecting her love. 

To conclude, Eve’s Bayou included many themes and is very different than other black horror films, which I really enjoyed. I wasn’t scared or waiting for something horrifying to happen, but I was very much intrigued.

BLOG 4

                                       The Girl with All the Gifts

         When you first watch the movie, we see a bunch of normal looking kids in a prison setting who are locked into chairs. We are then shown all of the kids in a classroom where there are guards watching them and they are strapped into their chairs. We are then introduced to the main character, Melanie and Ms. Justineau. Ms. Justineau is not like the rest who treat the kids like monsters and are disgusted by them. She sees them as children and is particularly fond of Melanie. She even nuzzles Melanie’s head in the same scene in which the guards barge in and forbid her to do that ever again and show what these “abortions” are capable of. We, the audience also learn more that these children are called abortions.

Abortions are half human half hungry but they are still considered alive. They are kept in this prison strapped into the chairs in order for the humans to be safe and in control of them. However, they are also experimented on and killed by Dr. Jean. The reason why they are experimenting on the kids is to create a vaccine. The rest of the world is filled with hungries that are trying to dominate the world and unless they find a vaccine the rest of the humans will become hungries. 

Eventually they need to evacuate just as Melanie is about to be killed by the Dr. The hungries take over. The guards, Ms. Justineau, Melanie, and the Dr. venture out keeping Melanie in this mask like thing to control her urges at some extent. Throughout the journey Melanie helps them survive and they start to look at her differently, everyone but the Dr. who still sees her as a test subject that is the key to the vaccine. During the trip the Dr. gives some information to Melanie in which Melanie later remembers that causes everyone to become hungries. This is when Dr. Jean is almost about to die and gets Melanie alone and tries to manipulate her into letting her experiment and kill her for it will help Ms. Justineau. As Melanie is about to give in and is having a heated conversation with her she remembers what Dr. Jean told her about the growing spores they had seen. She asks the Dr. why it must be us sacrificing for you guys (humans). She then leaves the Dr. and runs to light the spore like tree on fire, which will either be destroyed or the disease that makes humans into hungries will be airborne, therefore, everyone will turn into hungries. Well, it doesn’t get destroyed and everyone is turned into hungries. During this time Sergeant Parks who was once disgusted with Melanie and her kind went out looking for Melanie to make sure she was alright. He was then exposed to the airborne spores and was turned into a hungry but did not want to end up as one so he told Melanie to kill and shoot him immediately, in which she did. This showed me that as soon as the Sergeant began to let his guard down and see Melanie as a caring child rather than a monster he ended up turning into something horrible. The ending was the most interesting for me. Ms. Justineau was in the enclosed pod teaching a class to the Hungries and Melanie only this time she was the one “locked up” and they were free. This showed the domination of Hungries being the new humans of the world.

BLOG 5

                                                      Candyman

         Candyman is like the boogie man in which he is an urban legend. They say that his spirit can appear by someone who says Candyman fives times in the mirror. Once he is there he kills the person who summoned him using his hook that is attached to the bloody stump of his arm. Helen, who is a white woman, hears a rumor that someone was killed by him and that there have been tons of similar murders. Helen and her friend then decide to say Candyman in the mirror, however, no one appears and nothing happens. After, Helen writes about how people use Candyman as a way to deal with their problems. She and her friend then go to where a murder took place and notices offerings that were for Candyman.

Helen and her husband then go out with a Candyman expert, who tells them that Candyman was the son of a slave who was also an artist who painted portraits of rich white people with land, as well as their families. But then he fell in love and had a kid with one of the daughters of the white landowners. The expert then says that a lynch mob set up by the daughter’s father came after him where they cut off his right hand. Not only that, they took his cut hand and put honey so he could attract bees to sting him, so he can be stung to death. They then burned his corpse and scattered his ashes on the land that was now Cabrini Green.Helen is later attacked by someone who is in a gang and calls himself Candyman, all while carrying a hook. After she is assaulted and tells the police, they believe he is responsible for the murders. But then, Helen is approached by the real Candyman in a parking garage, he tells her she has discredited him. Helen then becomes unconscious and wakes up covered in blood. He then later breaks into Helen's apartment and cuts her neck, she then bleeds and passes out. Bernadette finds Helen at her apartment and is killed by Candyman and Helen is blamed for the murder, they then place her in a psychiatric hospital. She tries to prove she’s innocent when she speaks with her psychiatrist and summons Candyman, who then appears and kills the doctor. A lot happens after but basically Candyman was in love with Helen, but she died in the end. 

The new adaptation of Candyman has many differences. One being that the new one is set in the United States, instead of the UK. Candyman is black and is a victim of racism and the setting takes place at a black housing project, Cabrini Green. Helen, the lead white woman is attacked in this film by black thugs and Candyman is actually falling in love with her. Candyman can also be summoned by someone if they say his name five times in the mirror.

BLOG 6

                                                      Beloved

          The movie Beloved is about a former slave, Sethe, who is living in Ohio post Civil War. However, her and her three children are terrorized by this demon-like creature that scares away two of her children. Years later, it’s just Sethe and her one daughter named Denver. Until one day a former friend of Sethe, Paul shows up. He decides to stay with Sethe and Denver. One day Denver finds Beloved and loves to have her around, but then finds out she is actually Sethe’s reincarnated daughter. Sethe’s daughter, Denver decides to keep this a secret from her mother. However, one night Beloved casts a spell on Paul and rapes him. Paul then wants to tell Sethe what happened but then professes that he wants to have a baby with her. But then when a confidant of Paul hears of this, he tells him the story of how Sethe was raped by the nephews of the schoolteacher. And how they whipped Sethe leaving nasty scars on her back. She was very pregnant with her child and she was trying to escape. She was then raped while searching for her husband in the barn. The nephews pinned her, raped, and took her breast milk.

When she managed to escape she met a white woman, Amy Denver who helped treat her and her injuries, as well as delivering Seth’s child (ther daughter is named after this woman). She then got to Baby Suggs house, but the schoolteacher came to collect Sethe and her kids. In a panic, Sethe slit her eldest daughter’s throat, as well tried to kill the other children. She said she rather her kids be dead than enslaved. But they stop her and leave disgusted. Paul now understands where the poltergeist comes from, and decides to leave. After, Sethe then discovers that Beloved is actually her dead daughter. She then spoils her, while forgetting Denver. But shortly after, Beloved causes chaos and things start to fall apart. Sethe is unable to work and Denver becomes depressed.

To solve the problem of Beloved, Sethe’s coworker performs an exorcism. It leads to the disappearance of Beloved and Sethe and her family are finally free. A few months later Denver and Paul run into each other in town and he sees a change in her that she’s grown up and matured. But when he comes back to the house, he finds Sethe to be very sick. She tells Paul that she lost the best thing, Beloved, where Paul tells her that she herself is the best thing.

[youarejesting]

Femme: 49

[Masterlist] Pairing: BTS - OT7 x Reader, GDragon x Bigbang, Erik Nam, Hyuna x Dawn, Black Pink x Female oc, TXT x robot oc, Got7 x Female oc, IU. Rating: Mature themes mentioned but not really explored. Length: 2.6k Announcement: Wow so much has been going on I cried three times today my eyes are swollen haha. My kitten went to be vaccinated microchipped and neutered so I am emotional. My Fur-baby I cried the moment I had to leave and when I got him back. Beta: @lpayne612​  Warnings: Struggle to get pregnant out lined by red dividers as I know this can hit home to some, Implied smut, a rough patch in the relationship, angst. 

You were almost thirty. You were getting comfortable in your busy life, and your husbands made sure to help with everything everyday. “Children come here!” you called, they all headed over at varying speeds. You handed each their bags, kissing their heads. Right at the back of the line was two and a half year old Yubi with her new leg braces with her favorite cartoons on them. 

Yubi finally was ready for kindy - she was slower than kids her age but she got things done properly, in her own time. It was all about knowing her limits and she loved the kids and everything about her daycare. 

You were approached one day at work by a young girl named Lee Ji-Eun, she was a sweet young lady with a wristband on, signifying she was a child of a femme. She looked around the shop and dropped in a resume, and you listened to what she had to say. Hiring her on the spot. 

Ji-Eun was a diligent hard, worker - she liked to hum and sing while working which was refreshing. You began teaching her all the powerful life lessons you had learned from your mentor, Moon In-shik, and from being Eric’s mentor. 

It was a really refreshing thing that helped you develop some perspective on life: what was important versus what we think is important. 

Stepping into the house, you helped Seokjin with dinner and set the table. The children had entered from the backyard where they had been watering the garden. 

“Mirae, did you feed your brother dirt?”

“No, daddy eoky,” Mirae smiled up at Seokjin hiding her dirt-covered hands behind her back. 

“Hoowayway,” Hobi smiled softly at his son, “are you hungry?”

“Daddy bi,” Huimang gave a dirt-covered cheeky grin, Taehyung and 

Jimin cackled. 

“My poor boy are they picking on you?” Hoseok carried his son to the bathroom in the hopes of washing the dirt out of his teeth.

“Mimi,” you knelt down with an impassive look trying to not laugh at the situation, “did you feed Huimang some dirt?”

“No, Ama.”

“Baby, tell mummy it’s okay, you aren’t in trouble.” You softly gave her a hug “Did he eat the dirt?”

“Yes, Ama,” she pouted and you gave her a big smile.

“Thank you baby for being honest and not lying to mummy. Mummy is so proud, but perhaps next time we don’t feed our brother dirt, it’s not good for people to eat dirt, it’s yucky.”

“Yes Ama, I am sowwy.”

“Come on it’s time for dinner, go race to the bathroom and Daddy Bi will help you wash your hands. Make sure you say sorry to Hui okay baby?” You smiled giving her two big kisses on her cheeks.

“Mum, I got an invitation to a birthday party this weekend, is that okay?” Kyungju said shuffling closer and handing over the birthday invitation.

“Let me see,” you smiled, taking the letter and reading the details. “Oh my boy, you can go, of course who do you want to take you?”

“I want dad to take me, but he might say no.”

“What am I saying no to?” Yoongi took the letter and smiled fondly at the old invitation style. “Have you got your friend a present yet?”

“Not yet,” he seemed to realize and Yoongi laughed at his son’s reaction.

“Tomorrow after school we can go and pick out a present, and I will take you to the party on Saturday.”

The two walked to the large dining room table and you sighed, a big family was exhausting but it filled your heart with undeniable happiness to watch all the children grow up. A small hand tugged on your sleeve, Yubi had come to check on you.

Sweeping her into your arms you walked her to her booster chair and sat down ready for all the drama of a big family dinner. “Jae Eun, don’t put peas on your brother’s plate.”

“So we have been talking as a family,” Namjoon smiled and you raised an eyebrow looking down the other end of the table with a curious expression.

“As a family without me?” you snickered. 

“Yes well, it was a topic we wanted to discuss before bringing it up to you.” 

“Okay, I am all ears,” you picked up some broccoli and hid it under a piece of meat - trying to convince Yubi to eat her vegetables. She cleverly saw and whined until it was taken away. She was pretty clever for a two and a half-year-old.

You looked around the table watching everyone eat and scooped up some rice while waiting for this news. “We would like to have one last child,” Hoseok smiled brightly. Gasping in shock had you inhaling grains of rice into your trachea. Yoongi lazily raised his hand and patted your back while Jungkook handed you a large glass of water.

The feeling of disbelief filled you for a brief moment - you had in fact told Jimin and Seokjin that you would allow them the joys of having a baby. Even then it seemed outrageous to add any more to the family. You looked around remembering how sad and lonely you had felt when you had first moved into the house and had all these empty rooms and big dreams. You looked at the table spotting the exact space another little one could slip into and the joy and confidence it would bring to your hesitant Jimin.

“Okay, I think another child would be perfect,” unable to prevent yourself from smiling, “but if we do this we should go to a fertility clinic.”

“Of course, wait why are we going to a fertility clinic?” Jimin looked at you confused, you could see the concern in his eyes.

“To make sure everything is working fine for one more baby.”

Some of the children were excited for another sister or brother, and others weren’t bothered. Kyungju was weirdly excited - saying he liked having a big family and being the big brother. Jeongsan was a little worried about having another crying baby in the house again but, you assured him he didn’t have to worry and the parents would deal with the baby.

The clinic was cold. You had to sit in a paper gown while you had ultrasounds, pap smears, and blood tests. All to check your fertility levels, hoping for some positive results that would indicate you would be able to fall pregnant reasonably quickly.

The doctor sat you down after the check-up. “Now everything looks good, but we will have to wait for the results to know for sure what we’re dealing with,” the doctor said with a smile. “Now judging just by average standards, when you turn thirty the success rate is eighty-six percent for couples who try for a whole year.”

You felt a sense of dread. What if this didn’t work out and Jimin never had the chance of conceiving a child of his own? You weren’t really listening to the doctor who was currently prattling on about complication rates and more, you just sat thinking over what you would do if this didn’t happen.

Jimin was driving the van back to the apartment and you told him to pull over. “Is something wrong?”

“What do we do if this doesn’t work?’

“Hey don’t stress, the doctor said the more you worry the harder it is to get pregnant.”

“Just tell me Jimin, what will you do?” you asked, biting your lip.

“If it was meant to be, it will happen,” Jimin touched your cheek, kissing you gently. “It’s not like I’m planning to just up and leave you if we don’t have a baby the first time.”

Jimin’s eyes widened at the way you visibly relaxed body slumping into the seat.

“That’s what you were worried about? That I would leave you, the love of my life, and my family because I couldn’t have my own child? That I would leave all my other children whom I love dearly because the same genetics don’t run through our veins?” He looked upset and sighed “I’m not going anywhere”

It was a fun few months where you and Jimin spent a few weeks together and made love and generally shared some romantic moments with one another. You were trying and enjoying yourselves - until the third negative result from the fertility clinic. Things then became stressful between you and being intimate was less about love and more like a chore for the two of you.

You pulled out the last ovulation tester from your handbag telling yourself that you would have to purchase some more. The two lines mocking you as if they were the two lines you wanted, but they weren’t. One day you would see them on the pregnancy stick and you would make Jimin happy.

“Jimin, it’s time,” you said looking at your phone.

“I don’t want to, can you do it?” he whined and you sighed the two of you finished everything quickly and you laid there and he left to shower. You didn’t want to but you felt like crying.

The days passed and it felt like you might have done it, your back and breasts were aching you just knew this had to be it. You were going to the clinic it was the day your period was supposed to arrive and when you got there, you felt like you needed to pee and as you wiped, you wept. Another failure, it was your period and you hadn’t fallen pregnant again. You walked out dragging Jimin not bothering with your appointment.

The two of you were silent on the way home/ “We can try again, it will happen.”

“And what if it doesn’t, Jimin?” you asked, “When do we decide to give up? When you leave because you are sick of me!”

“Why do you keep thinking I’m going to leave? Is this what you want, me to leave? I thought you had faith in me and trusted me and after everything, we have been through!” He hissed, “You think I’m some bad guy who will just leave?”

“You act like making a baby is a chore.” You frowned, “We don’t cuddle or kiss anymore, do you even love me?” 

The car pulled over and Jimin got out, handed you the keys, and looked you in the eye. “The fact that you have to question my feelings really shows me how you see me doesn’t it, love?” the endearment was full of spite. He turned and walked away. You were sobbing standing beside the car gripping the keys and crying. Climbing into the driver’s seat you sobbed with no regard to your surroundings. 

It was almost midnight when you returned home. Hearing Yoongi’s swears, grabbing his phone to call the others to say you had returned home. “The children are all in bed, what happened?”

“I want to be alone,” you said walking away from everyone. You sat on the floor of the shower crying to yourself.

Jimin didn’t call, he didn’t come home, no one knew where he was, so Namjoon made some calls and found he was in his family home. You laid in bed distraught, feeling absolutely disgusting. You stopped getting out of bed unless it was necessary; the boys started bringing you meals so you would get some food into your body.

You couldn’t sleep deciding instead to call Jimin repeatedly only to receive his answering machine. You grabbed your coat and began heading to the front door when Jungkook stopped you. “You’re leaving, aren't you Yeobo, what about all of us? You can’t leave.”

“I don’t want you to leave, I want everything back to the way it was,” he sniffed engulfing you in a hug.

“I’m just bringing him home, Kook, I can’t live without him.” The tone of your voice was cold and empty - a testament to how you felt without Jimin. “I need to know he is okay.”

“Let me drive you, I don’t want you to get into an accident.”

“Please, I know you’re worried, but I need to do this myself. I promise you if at any point I am unfit to drive, I will pull over and call you.” You pleaded with Jungkook, “I made this mess and, I have to fix it”

“You call me the moment something feels off.”

“Yes sir,” pushing up onto your tippy toes to press a kiss to his lips, he wrapped you in his arms, squeezing tightly in hopes that nothing goes wrong. He always did have a tendency of worrying too much.

You took the van and began driving. It took six hours and you pulled into the yard watching the sunrise. You walked around the house to Jimin’s window. You knew his sleeping habits and even in winter, his window was open a crack for some fresh air. Lucky for you and the humid summer night, he had indeed slept with the window open fully, enough for you to slide into his room, removing your shoes and jacket, and tiptoeing to his bed. 

You placed the keys down on the table, sneaking into his bed, settling against him under the covers. He looked peaceful in the light of the early morning sun. You felt your heart sync with his, the only thing you could think about was him - it was like you were whole again.

“Jimin, I love you,” you whispered against his collarbone. The sense of relief so powerful you felt the tears rain, your fear and anxiety slowly expelling from your body. Jimin’s arms wrapped around you and you pressed your face deeper against his chest so as not to silence your cries.

“I love you too,” he breathed out, the sleep in his voice didn’t hide the clarity behind his words. “Jungkook called the home phone and told us you were coming. Don’t you dare drive alone at night for that long.”

“I had to, I can’t be away from you. I love you, and it hurts so much to not have you with me.” Your words shook with almost the same intensity as your body did against his.

Jimin told you to sleep and prepared you breakfast - waking you slightly later “My love, you must be hungry. The boys told me you haven’t been eating, is that right?”

“I haven’t been hungry,” you hummed and he nodded, his eyes traveling over your figure.

After breakfast he pulled you to lay back in the bed and got you to sleep, telling you he had messaged the boys and would be home after the weekend alone together. When his parents left he was all over you - his lips promising to love you until the end of time and his hands to always hold you safe from harm.

He drove you home, stopping at a few places to get some souvenirs for the children to tell them how much you love them. You stopped at the gas station to relax and refuel, and you got a strange thought. You don’t know what came over you, but you went through the gas station store and pulled out an ovulation stick from your purse. 

It had been two weeks since Jimin left, two weeks since you had your dreams crushed by your period. It wasn’t even worth calling it a period; it was so short and barely there. But otherwise your phone was saying you would be ovulating soon. You took the test and saw two strong lines. You thought about telling Jimin, but you didn’t want the disappointment again.

You couldn’t just hide it. “Okay, I will just tell him and he can decide.” You nodded grabbing for the packet when you froze seeing the words pregnancy test, and a realization struck you. You had run out of ovulation tests weeks ago.

You were pregnant.

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[theliterateape]

History is a Puzzle Box of Rashomon

by Don Hall

I’ve often said that the scariest thing to ever come out of my mother’s mouth was the declaration “Let’s go on an adventure!”

For my mother an adventure must include a lack of preparation, potential for danger, and a sense of I can’t believe we just survived that! She once decided she wanted to do a charcoal sketching of a gravestone from the grave of one of our Appalachian Baptist fire-and-brimstone preacher ancestors. My dad drove her up into the mountains and they started seeing patches of purple paint on trees and rocks.

Turned out that was the locals’ way of telling outsiders they'd get shot if they trespassed. My dad clutched his pistol the rest of the way.

Mom got her charcoal sketch. I can’t believe we just survived that!

When I was a kid and we lived in Arizona, mom decided we were going on adventure. My little sister, mom, and I loaded up in her brown Gremlin, a bag of sandwiches, some sodas, and all of our swimming gear and headed out for an afternoon at Lake Pleasant.

All was copacetic until she thought she saw a shortcut to he lake. It was not a shortcut. It was simply desert. It started out as a bit of a dirt path that sort of petered out about an hour into the drive. We were driving in the open desert in the vehicle equivalent to a Pinto.

Of course we blew a tire. Of course we didn't have a spare.

Being a melodramatic kid, I went into a full-blown faux-survivalist panic. After a few minutes of wailing about our imminent demise I set out to figure how to get water out of cactus, the thorny testaments to the heartiness of desert foliage fending off my un-callused hands and delivering exactly no water.

This being decades before smartphones, we were stuck. We had no clue where we were in terms of the comforts of civilization and while mom put on a brave face (and occasionally got the giggles at my histrionics) our fate was sealed. Unless someone miraculously drove into the middle of the desert to save us, we were doomed.

And then the miracle occurred. A beat-up red Ford pickup truck coming from the other direction popped up on the horizon. I shrieked in relief; mom flagged the truck down.

We were about a mile from a highway but we couldn't know that. The driver of the pickup was taking a shortcut from the highway.

Here's where the story gets odd. To this day, my mother's version of this adventure and mine are identical. Word for word the same until we get to the driver of the Ford. On my life, I swear it was an older Native American man who stopped, hitched up the Gremlin to his vehicle, and towed us the mile to the highway and on to a gas station. 

My mother will go to her grave insisting it was a family of four Mormons.

What?!

We’ve had family arguments about this story. Both my mother and I are intractable in our insistence of our specific endings of either Native American man or family of Mormons. We both were there. We both can see ourselves in the tale. The endings are as different as could be.

There is conclusive scientific research that demonstrates how the memory of an event subtly changes the actual memory as it is retold. The more you tell the story, the more it transforms into something similar but wholly different in the margins.

If my mother and I can have such divergent differences within a memory of an event we both shared, how many splinters are there in a collective re-telling of a larger event encompassing many more tellers? How many completely incompatible versions of the attacks on New York on September 11, 2001 are there? How many versions that don’t quite line up with one another are there of the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941?

Moving forward and backward in history, if we are to accept (and I do) that our memories are more Silly Putty than Lego Bricks, how much does film, television, books, and social media come into play in the constant morphing of objective truth to the collection of subjective memories and finally commonly accepted reality?

There is conclusive scientific research that demonstrates how the memory of an event subtly changes the actual memory as it is retold.

Back in the olden days when one could watch something horribly incorrect in the political sense without it becoming a ringing endorsement of your personal "brand" or a scathing indictment on who you are as a fellow human, I went to a screening of Griffith's The Birth of a Nation. It was at an esoteric video shop/screening theater on Fullerton Avenue in Chicago called Facets Multimedia and there were six or seven others in attendance. I was the only white person in the room.

Historically, Griffith's opus is significant in several ways. 

First, it was among the earliest epic uses of film. Released in 1915, it was the first blockbuster Hollywood hit. It was the longest and most-profitable film then produced and the most artistically advanced film of its day. It secured both the future of feature-length films and the reception of film as a serious medium.

Second, it was the first modern popular culture example of an artistic achievement attempting to force a certain perspective on the larger culture (the idea that the KKK were the heroes of the Civil War) it was initially released with the title "The Clansmen" and reframed the war, Reconstruction, and white hooded sheets in tandem with lynchings as the preferred story of American history.

Third, while propaganda has been around since men could talk and write, it was the most pervasive use of a medium that communicated on a newfound mass level to promote a horrifying ideology and was embraced by President Woodrow Wilson as a personal favorite.

Following the three-hour screening, there was a sense of discomfort as the lights came back up. My guess at the time it was the other viewers in the room wondering if I, the sole white person in the room, was as offended by the revised perspective the film espoused as the rest in the small cadre. I suppose I wasn't as offended because I wasn't black and I knew what I was getting into when buying my ticket. I can imagine seeing the film without some context would be like a slap in the face.

One of the things I learned doing stage combat around the same time was that a slap in the face never hurt as much as you'd think. It wasn't the pain of the blow but the surprise of it that gave it impact. Going in cold to see the KKK presented as the true patriots wouldn't hurt but the surprise might be a shock.

In a very different way but in the same vein, I remember being the only white face in a crowded theater in Fayetteville, Arkansas at the opening night of Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing. The looks of inquisition for my reaction to the film from the predominantly black faces followed me out into the lobby and into the parking lot.

I read recently that one of the reasons the scars of that Civil War in America have never fully healed is that we’ve never, as a nation, agreed on a single narrative of why we fought the goddamned thing. The subjectivity of truth in the re-telling of that dark period is confounding and subsequent attempts to force one perspective or the other or multiple angles on the causes of the War of the States has only confused the issue. Thus the recent beheadings of statues glorifying Southern generals and the re-naming parties of public schools to eliminate anyone associated with slavery.

I understand and empathize with this impulse to reverse the whitewash of history from our streets and schools. So much of our literature and symbols in real life have been created with, maybe not a D. W. Griffith subjectivity, a revisionist historical perspective that paints over the ugliest parts of our history to re-tell the narrative and erase those most subjugated by it. I expect over-correction (like the New York Times 1619 Project which casts our history as steeped in nothing but racism and slavery without acknowledging the contributions set apart from those stains) and, after reading that San Francisco schools are eliminating Abraham Lincoln's name, I decided to re-watch Spielberg's Lincoln.

I don't know if it was actually Lincoln or screenwriter Tony Kushner who came up with the following analogy but I found it instructive in the push to reframe the story today.

A compass, I learnt when I was surveying, it'll... it'll point you True North from where you're standing, but it's got no advice about the swamps and deserts and chasms that you'll encounter along the way.

If in pursuit of your destination, you plunge ahead, heedless of obstacles, and achieve nothing more than to sink in a swamp... What's the use of knowing True North?

The film paints the fight for the 13th Amendment as a dark political game, cajoling and persuading the legislators of the day to codify in the Constitution a formal revocation and rebuke to the forced enslavement of other human beings. It also portrays Lincoln as a deeply pragmatic leader. The speech is one he gives to Thaddeus Stevens, a zealous abolitionist, who rightly sees true north but, up to that point, would rather be righteous than successful in abolishing slavery.

Both men are long dead so the question of whether both men would tell the same story, in their re-telling of those pivotal moments leading up to the vote, or if their stories would radically diverge, is wholly academic. That’s where the trappings of art collide with authenticity. This is the version Spielberg and Kushner decided upon and it will be the version millions who watch the film and decide to simply accept it as the one true version.

This is not to say there is no objective truth. It is to suggest that our inability to separate fact from our subjective fictions makes us pretty fucking lousy arbiters of that fact.

On the other hand, we have celebrated author Mark Manson, whose book Everything is F•cked: A Book About Hope is being banned in Russia by Putin because it speaks directly to atrocities committed by Stalin. Putin is looking to re-write Stalin's history. 

There is a big difference between revising a history shown to diminish the effects of overt racists in one country and purging a country’s history of established monstrosities but the mechanism remains the same: reframe the story and tell it enough times that the meaning changes over time. Keep pushing the new narrative (right or wrong) until the soft memory of an entire nation bends to the will of the teller.

That’s all history is, after all. A slew of stories we tell over and over to indoctrinate a sense of national pride. It grows more perilous when those revising the stories weren’t present. The source of the tales becomes less reliable and the reframe more suspect. When the source is a film or video of an event, we feel as though we’ve experienced it but our perspective is entirely subverted by what the camera shows us and the narrative promoted when we watch it.

One of the techniques that Griffith practically invented was the camera’s use to tell the story from his view. Frame things in a certain way, in a certain order, and our very eyes are deceived, our minds accept the deception, and we believe.

In 1950, Akira Kurosawa gave the world the reigning example of individualized subjective point of view. Rashomon shows us three different perspectives on one specific event. The film makes the point so clearly that the term used popularly to label the he said/she said/they said dilemma is a rashomon.

This is not to say there is no objective truth. It is to suggest that our inability to separate fact from our subjective fictions makes us pretty fucking lousy arbiters of that fact. Show me someone absolutely 100% certain of the sort of events they've only seen on an iPhone video moderated by Faceborg and spun by both the media and some random stranger and I'll show you someone deluded and quite probably dead wrong.

Even when we're there to witness events in person we get it wrong so the concept of getting it right through the mediation and manipulation of amateur videographers and activist pushing a narrative is nothing short of lunatic fringe.

Bizarrely, we all know this to be true.

We know that social media is almost entirely unreliable. We know that film is a highly manipulative art form. We know that Robert Downey, Jr. never flew in a suit of armor, that Keanu Reeves is not Neo, that as much as he embodies who I hope Abraham Lincoln was like, Daniel Day Lewis is an actor and couldn't possibly know what the man was actually like in person.

We know this to be true but we need to be right. We need to believe and so we take that leap of faith, that gut level adherence to what makes some sort of sense in the story and run with it. More so, if the fiction supports things we already have chosen to believe in, we are adding it to the arsenal of defenses against any other sort of view of our story.

We know there's more to the story of the Antifa takeover of Seattle. We know there's more to the January 6th breach of the Capitol. We know there are more sides to the story of Michael Brown. We know that with everyone filmed in a Walmart screaming about her right to forego a mask there is something else before and after that moment that may demonize her just a bit less.

We know but we don't care. Context and considering the framing takes too much work. Too much time. In an existence flooded with too much information, too many stories, too much video, too many opinions, it's just fucking easier to settle on the story that suits you and roll with that.

That's why—no matter what my mother says—it was definitely not a family of Mormons and I'll go to my grave with that.

[paperwick]

This is my not spoiler free take on Picard.

This is a mess of a post, but I’m still trying to work through my thoughts. If I was still in college, I would watch the series one more time and write an essay, but we’ll have to settle for this stream of consciousness under the cut. (My apologies to mobile users). 

The main theme of Picard is about ‘killing for a cause’. It tries to explore this through several character’s arcs: primarily Soji, Sutra, Agnes Jirati, Seven of Nine, Rizzo, and Oh. (I don’t include Elnor because, though he kills for a cause, there’s no character development for him in this respect.)

There’s loosely a theme of “Should I kill to prevent more death/disaster?” vs “Should I kill so I might not be killed?”. 

I’m mostly gonna leave out Seven because her development on this is really non-existent, but the writers use her as a positive example of “killing to prevent more death/disaster” as a foil to Rizzo, Oh, and Agnes. I honestly feel this comparison is falsely equivalent, because Seven wasn’t wiping out an entire race or murdering an innocent man when she killed two very guilty murders. Is it right to kill murderers? Who knows, the show doesn’t REALLY touch on it so neither will we.

Here’s the scene: a faction of organics (Rizzo, Oh, Agnes) believe that synthetic life spells doom for all organic life and are seeking to destroy them. In response to total annihilation, the synthetics (Soji, Sutra) are willing to annihilate all of organic life to permanently remove the threat. Picard insists both are wrong and that there is always a more peaceful solution. 

It’s all pretty black and white, with very few grey areas of opinion. 

It drives me nuts because there’s so much ROOM in this to open up the conversation about the role of violence in independence and in survival. How far do you pursue peaceful solutions before it gives way to violence? What are the consequences of being peaceful too long? Is it ethical to use excessive force if it’s the only means to survive?

But they break it down into harshly black and white scenarios. “All life must die so that we might survive.” “If we fight back at all, we lose our humanity.” There’s no subtly, no real moral exploration. 

There’s room in the show to explore how killing might effect how events unfold. But every time it happens, it’s the dead-end of that storyline. Maddox had already told them all they needed to know, what further damage could he even do when Agnes killed him? Bjayzl was no longer a threat to them. Rizzo was no longer a pusher in the story, they’d both fulfilled her plot-purpose when Seven killed them. 

There’s room to explore how similar synthetic life is to organic life, in their humanity and morality, and lack there-of at times, in their will and desperation to survive. But we constantly come back to androids not being “real”. It’s always about their function, never really their humanity. The writing from all angles, throughout the season, is that synthetic life is somehow less real. Nonequivalent. And we never really touch on that either, it’s wildly frustrating.

So we have Sutra, who is willing to destroy all organic life to save her and her family, representing a hard extreme. Oh wants to destroy all synthetic life to protect organic life, representing the other extreme. And Picard is firmly in the middle, saying we can all live in peace and harmony. 

And that’s the end of the conversation. 

There’s a moment where Soji tells Picard that he can’t be the voice of synthetic life, and that was a great moment. The androids can take up their own cause instead of relying on a third party for protection.

But then the writers turn around and have Picard be that voice anyway, against their will, to prove that the peaceful solution is the better solution. And he has to because there’s no grey area in these moments. It’s “choose to kill literally everyone in the galaxy or choose to kill no one”. Where’s the “choose to fight the people who actively want us dead” part of the conversation?

In response to “how can the marginalized defend and empower themselves”, we’re told “make friends with less marginalized people.” But they aren’t even the operative force in that solution. It’s Picard alone. They don’t get to add their voices to the mix. It was all out of their hands to begin with. Starfleet walks in all deus ex machina because one man asks them to show up. 

When Agnes killed Maddox, their point was that she was doing it to save organic life. We never explore why she thinks it was the right thing to do. What was she afraid of him doing? He was already dying, his death was unnecessary, all we’re given is that she was haunted by the vision Oh thrust upon her. And then we spend the rest of the season redeeming her because she “felt bad about killing him” and was “out of her mind” when she did it. SURELY she had a reason for doing it at the time? Even a really bad one? Was she worried he’d created another synthetic lifeform? Was she worried he might be integral to helping the androids fight back? Fuck if I know, we never really touch on it. 

The most blow back Agnes gets from literal murder is a slap on the wrist from Picard and Dr. Soong. She was supposed to turn herself in, but that didn’t happen in the end. We pleasantly forget she killed a helpless man because she and the pilot are in love, and “she knows she was wrong”. 

As it stands, it was just an excuse to inject needless drama into the show. But there is a real and current need for us to talk about people ‘killing for a cause’. 

We see it in our own lives on the news and in our daily lives, and it’s a mind-fuck. 

How governments “root out terrorists” and kill innocent civilians in the process. They say “it saved more lives than we took”. Did it? There’s a conversation to be had there, and a necessary one if we want to continue to look ourselves in the eyes. 

When a foreign country arranges for another’s leading revolutionary to be assassinated, do they have the right to do that? No, but they seem to think so and encourage their population to believe so. There’s a conversation to be had there. 

When the government (Oh) instructs their citizens (Agnes) that this other peoples is dangerous and will be the death of them, and gently encourages their citizens to harass that other party, the citizens will take the law into their own hands. It’s wrong, but many people seem to think it’s appropriate. Whether it’s race, religion, nationality, populations are constantly being guided towards believing other peoples are a threat to themselves. And there’s a conversation to be had there. A dire one. 

Instead of developing a commentary about this senseless act of murder, the show focuses on redeeming Agnes’ character. She was “crazy” at the time, her mind filled with “poison” from Oh. Which in a way is true, people become brainwashed by those in authority and act horribly, but she never faces the consequences of her actions. She ultimately suffers no consequences for murdering a man. And she does very little to truly redeem herself. She saves Picard to save the androids. Everyone seems to go, “oh no, she spilled the milk” and gently clean it up for her. 

Do I want her burned at the stake? Not really, she did help them in the end, she did seem to have growth, but to get away scot-free is just an insult to the crime she committed. Maddox was denied justice. I think there could have been a real conversation about people coming back from getting “red-pilled”, but it’s hard to walk back on murder. 

Overall there was a frustrating lack of real commentary. The deeper conversation here might’ve been “How can we navigate and defend ourselves in a world where others seek to undermine and destroy us?” and “Does the government have the right to dictate who should live or die?”. The first one is the harder question but so necessary, with so much room to empower people. The second is very straight forward, but one that a lot of people are struggling with right now because of a warped perspective promoted by their government (at least in America). 

What we got was “total annihilation of any group is bad” and OF COURSE IT IS. I know we’re having an issue with people believing that again, but even so, the show did not really deliver that message super well either. The final note on it was “there’s a ‘peaceful’ solution to total annihilation, but really only if you have a defensive force equal to that trying to destroy you”. The androids didn’t have any real say in their defense other than “we decided not to kill everyone.” 

UGH, I could go on, but the message of the series is so muddled. I keep coming back around to how poor the writing is. How punchy and action-packed it wasted its time being, instead of really working through the core problems. Instead of making a strong statement. 

Star Trek to me is about challenging how you think/feel. It’s about opening our minds and encouraging us to be better than what we are. It hasn’t always hit the mark, there are dozens and dozens of episodes where they shoot themselves in the foot they were so off the mark, but the spirit of it is to challenge your given perceptions. Especially relevant to the time it’s being made. 

Give us more LGBT relationships other than 1 second of on-screen handholding in the final shot, and maybe write something that actually shakes people’s hearts and challenges what the general population takes for granted.