#sometimes i don't realize all i kind of missed out on bc i didn't want to get left behind by my friends :(

[lee-laurent]

T'es ben chix - Luke Hughes

Summary: Amélie decides Luke Hughes is the cutest boy she's ever seen, but she doesn't know how to tell him.

wc: 7k

content: fluff, a little bit of angst, kissing, panic attacks, anxiety, quick make out session, a couple dirty jokes, long distance relationship (let me know if missed anything!)

notes: don't let the title fool you, this fic is still in english!! i realized the other day while doing schoolwork that i don't have a fic that discusses being french-canadian. so... here we are! this fic was super fun for me to write and i incorporated experiences and challenges i have faced over the last few years. a lot of the mistakes that amélie makes are mistakes that i have made or that other french speakers make when speaking english bc sometimes we try to directly translate things and it just does not work lol i reallly hope you guys enjoy!!! and to any other francophones out there: let's be friends!!

just finished writing and it's about 5k words more than i was planning

Amélie honestly wasn't the biggest fan of going out back home, so going out in a place where she could barely speak the language was even worse. But a few of the girls she'd befriended had convinced her it was a good way to get to know more people and to let loose. She sat with the three other girls at a small table, her fingers drumming against the glass of her cocktail.

"Yeah, what did you think of that guy that presented today, Am?"

"Hm? He did... good."

"No, silly. Did you think he was cute?"

"Oh, um, he's... how do you say... not my type?"

"Not your type? Then what is your type, Am?"

"Probably that guy she's been making googly eyes at all night," one of the others teased.

"Who? The tall, curly haired guy in the corner?"

Amélie blushed, sipping at the alcohol for courage.

"Ooo, she's totally into him!"

"You should go talk to him, Am!"

"No... I tell you... no American boys," she waved them off.

"Well, that's too bad. Cause it looks like he's comin' over here. We'll be at the bar if you need us."

"Guys..."

But it was too late, the other girls were already up and headed towards the bar.

"Calisse," she mumbled, trying to ignore the tall figure approaching her table.

"Mind if I sit?" he asked. She looked up at him, her lips pursed. He had the same curly hair and boyish smile that her friends had been teasing her about. She really hadn't planned on talking to anyone tonight, let alone any boys. The girls knew her rule: no falling for any boys while she was in America.

"Uh... sure," she replied, gesturing to the empty chairs across from her.

He smiled, sitting down casually, rubbing his palms on his pants. "I'm Luke. I, uh, I thought I'd come introduce myslef since we, uh, made eye contact so many times."

Amélie bit her lip, nodding as he spoke. She barely knew enough English to follow what her friends were saying, and now she had to talk to some random guy at this bar she didn't even want to be at. "I, uh, I am Amélie."

"Amélie? That's a really pretty name. Did I, uh, did I say it right? Amélie?"

Her cheeks flushed, her eyes flickering down to her drink. "Yeah... that is right. Thank you." Her fingers tightened around the glass, trying to think of something to say next, but everything just came in French.

Luke could sense her hesitation, suddenly becoming way more nervous about coming over. Maybe it had been stupid. Maybe he was making her feel uncomfortable. "I just thought... I don't know. You seemed nice. Do you, uh, want to talk, or...?"

She met his gaze, taking a deep breath. He was trying and he seemed nice, like he really wanted to talk to her. "I... my English, it is not very good," her accent thickening as she spoke. "It is... hard for me."

Luke nodded, leaning forward slightly. He had teammates that didn't speak English as their first language, so he kind of knew what to expect. "That's fine. I'm sure it's better than my French. That is your first language, right? French? Sorry, I just assumed cause your name-"

"Yes, French," she cut him off, giggling at his rambling.

"I can barely say anything in French, so you've already got me beat."

His attempt to make her feel better worked... a little. "It is easier... to write. But speaking... more pressure, I forget the words lots."

"I get that. But we can just... talk slowly."

She sipped at her drink, waiting for him to continue.

"So, what brings you to Jersey? Not a lot of French people here."

"Exchange... at Rutgers. I am from Québec. Saguenay. But I come here... and I work on my English."

"That's super cool. It's awesome that you're pushing yourself to get better. I, uh, I went to Umich for a bit, but-"

"Umich?"

"Oh, right. University of Michigan. I lived in Michigan before I lived here."

"You move here because..."

"For hockey. I play hockey."

"Oh... that's cool. I like Les Canadiens. You play in the LNH?"

"The NHL? Yeah, I do. You like hockey?"

"Everyone in Québec likes hockey. Very popular."

"But you didn't know who I was," Luke teased.

"Only like Les Canadiens, sorry," she shrugged.

"Well, that's fair, I guess. The Habs are pretty big in Québec, huh?"

"Yes! My family... all big fan." She felt comfortable talking about her family, talking about home, the things she liked. Her dad watched every Habs game on TV and sometimes he'd even drive down to Montréal for a weekend to see them play.

"My family loves hockey too. Everyone plays. My mom, my dad, me, and both my brothers. It's like in our blood... or something."

"They play for... the same team?"

"One of them does. Jack, he plays with me. My other brother, Quinn, he plays in Vancouver," Luke tried to keep it casual, not wanting it to seem like he was bragging.

"Ah! The Canucks!"

"See, you know a bit about other teams," he teased.

"Shhh," she giggled. "Your family... they seem very... what's the word... talented."

"Guess you could say that."

She took another sip of her drink, her mind buzzing with questions to ask, but none of them coming to her in English. She wanted to ask more about his brothers, about how he started playing hockey, but her mouth just couldn't keep up with her brain. She also didn't want to come off as rude or obsessed with him because of his title, so she just nodded.

"You don't have to worry, you know. I'm not judging you," Luke comforted. "So, what do you do when you're learning English or watching the Habs? You got any other hobbies?"

"I like to... read. And bake... when I have time."

"Reading and baking," Luke mused. "What do you bake?"

"Everything," she giggled. "Tarte au sucre is my preferred. My mom... she always bakes with me."

"Tarte au sucre? What's that? Sugar pie?" Luke's eyes lit up. "You'll have to make me that one day. I've never had it."

"Maybe. You will have to see."

"Challenge accepted."

Amélie went to respond, but her phone buzzing stopped her. It was her friends calling, probably ready to head on to another bar. She didn't want her conversation with Luke to end, but she knew she couldn't stay there all night.

"I have to go. My friends... waiting," she sighed.

Luke's face fell a little but he nodded. "Yeah, I get it. But I, uh, this was fun."

"Me too."

There was silence for a little, neither of them wanting to be the first to say goodbye. "You should give me... your phone number. So you can try my tarte au sucre."

"Sounds like a plan," Luke said, handing his phone over for her. She typed in her name and phone number, adding a '<3' next to Amélie.

"Text me," she giggled, waving goodbye as she joined the other girls at the bar. Luke watched as the four of them started talking amongst themselves quickly, giggling as Amélie told them about her conversation with the hockey player.

He finally stood up, making his way back over to the table where his teammates were sat. Curtis raised an eyebrow at him, a smirk plastered on his face.

"Well, how'd it go, Romeo?" He leaned forward, failing to conceal his grin.

Luke rolled his eyes, "Good, actually. Really good."

Nico raised his pint, "Told you. You just had to go for it."

"So... what's next?" Curtis nudged him. "You ask for her number?"

Luke nodded, trying to play it cool. "Yeah, we'll probably meet up again."

"Probably?"

"Okay, fine. Yeah, we'll see each other again. I'm going to try her sugar pie she was talking about."

"Sugar pie? Is that what we're calling it nowadays?" Nico teased, causing the whole table to erupt in laughter.

Luke shook his head, letting the teasing slide. His mind was too focused on the girl with a French accent and promises of baking him pie. He had to see her again.

~~

Luke found texting Amélie way easier than he'd imagined. She wasn't lying when she said her writing was better than her speaking. Her texts barely ever had mistakes, in fact sometimes they were worded better than his.

They texted back and forth constantly, which earned Luke some teasing from his colleagues. In writing, Amélie was much more confident, returning his flirting with practiced ease. Her personality really shone through in a way it hadn't at the bar. She'd occasionally crack jokes, usually about how he didn't know any French and that she'd have to teach him. Their conversations flowed, talking about their days, sharing stories, discussing the schoolwork that Amélie had, and sometimes sharing pictures of their meals. Although Jack did most of Luke's cooking, he'd never admit that to the girl.

You have to come and try my tarte au sucre soon! Only if you're brave enough though ;)

Luke grinned at his phone, his fingers furiously typing back a reply.

Oh, I'm brave enough. Just let me know when, and I'll be there.

I will. Maybe next week? I need to make sure it's perfect first.

Deal.

~~

Amélie paced her apartment, making sure that everything was in order before Luke came over. She was even more nervous than she had been in the bar. She really wanted things to go well. They had decided to label the event as their first date, and although a bit informal, she was still shitting herself.

The pie was sitting on her kitchen island, untouched. She didn't want to eat any of it until Luke was there to eat it with her. She was worried he'd get in trouble because it wasn't part of his meal plan for work, but he had reassured it multiple times that it wasn't a big deal if he had a little pie.

Just as she was about to rearrange her throw pillows for the third time, there was a knock at her door. She froze mid-step, wiping her hands on her jeans as she made her way to the door.

It was just a pie. And it was just Luke. Nothing to be too worried about.

She hesitated for a moment before she pulled the door open, tilting her head back to look up at Luke. He was standing there in a Devils hoodie and some track pants, a baseball cap covering his curls. He looked relaxed, his hands tucked in the pocket of his hoodie. Amélie hated how nonchalant he looked in comparison to her.

"Hey," he greeted. "I brough my appetite, as promised."

"Good. I hope you are ready," she joked, stepping out of the way to let him in. He pulled off his shoes, taking in her cozy apartment. He laughed when his eyes landed on the big Québec flag hung behind her couch.

"I'm sure it'll be amazing. I'm looking forward to it, don't worry."

She nodded, though her nerves didn't disappear. She led him into the kitchen where the pie sat waiting. The smell of it filled the small space, warm and sweet.

"Wow, looks good, Am. Guess you weren't kidding about being a good baker."

"It's like you with hockey. My talent," she giggled, blushing as their eyes met.

"I don't know. Your baking skills may be miles ahead of my hockey skills."

"Don't lie. Let's see if it tastes as good as the smell," she grabbed a knife, finally cutting the pie into pieces. She placed a generous slice in front of Luke, taking in how comfortable he looked in the situation. She really admired how easygoing he was compared to her. It was their first date, but his demeanor made it seem like they'd been seeing each other for months. Meanwhile, her heart hadn't stopped racing since she opened the door minutes before.

Luke picked up his fork, flashing her a grin before taking his first bite. His eyes widened and he let out a pleased hum, "Holy shit, this is so good."

"You like it?"

"Are you kidding? This is like the best dessert I've ever had... don't tell my mom I said that. But really, Amélie, you've ruined all other pies for me. Can I take some home to show Jack?"

"Of course! I'm glad you like it. Is my mom's recipe."

"You should probably teach me how to make this, so I don't have to beg you every time I want some."

"I wouldn't mind," she giggled, taking a bite of her own slice. The taste reminded her of home and she suddenly felt a lot less nervous about messing up her English in front of Luke. They continued to eat their pie as they talked, shifting the conversation to more personal topics, wanting to know everything about each other.

Luke told stories about growing up with his brothers, sharing embarrassing moments from their childhoods and the occasional hockey-related mishap. Amélie found herself laughing more than she had since she'd arrived in America, her body filling with warmth.

"And that's how Jack ended up chipping his tooth. Our mom was furious, but Quinn and I thought it was hilarious," Luke explained, shaking his head at the memory.

She laughed, her shoulders shaking. "You and your brother... troublemakers," she teased, resting her chin on her hand as she listened to him talk. God, she could listen to Luke talk for hours. His accent was the cutest thing she'd ever heard and his smile curved up more on one side than the other, almost like a smirk. He was so perfect.

"Yeah, we were. Still are, I guess. But what about you? You got any fun stories about your family?"

"One time my dad, he take us to Montréal for a Habs game. And my older brother he had... he liked one girl he saw. But she was anglophone, no French. He goes up to her and he tries to talk English. But it was soooo bad. Even worse than me. He only knew maybe like three word. I think he said like 'Hey, you pretty, drink?' and she looked at him like he was... insane! He... he panicked and ran away. We bullied him for years after. Our dad, he will still talk about it at dinner sometime."

"That's brutal," Luke laughed. "Glad our first conversation didn't go like that."

"I am just better than him."

Luke shook his head, flashing his lopsided smile that made Amélie swoon. "Clearly. You've got the charm, no doubt about it."

"Maybe a little. But still I get nervous. When you arrive, I think maybe that I would die."

"You hid it well. I didn't even notice. I was the nervous one."

"You? Nervous?" she raised an eyebrow, placing her fork between her lips .

"Yeah, you were... well you are, like the prettiest girl I've ever met," he rubbed the back of his neck. "Didn't want to mess it up."

"Is that a joke? You did not... mess up. I like talking with you."

"I like talking with you too, Amélie"

~~

It was their fourth date and they were back at Amélie's apartment. Luke was sprawled out on the couch, his feet propped up on the coffee table as he playfully scrolled through one of Amélie's French-to-English learning apps.

"Come on, give me a word," Luke teased, turning to look at the girl sitting beside him with her legs tucked under her.

"Alright. Alright. Um... try... 'papillon.'"

Luke squinted, trying his hardest to translate it. "Papillon," he reapted slowly. "Uh... sounds like pasta, maybe? Wait, no, wait... um, balloon?"

She let a burst of laughter, learning back against the arm of the couch. "Non! It's butterfly!"

He groaned dramatically, throwing his head back in mock anguish. "Butterfly?! That doesn't even sound like butterfly! What?!"

"You are needing more practice," she giggled, comfortly placing a hand on his thigh.

Luke's eyes widened at her touch, but he couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, clearly I need a lot more practice. You might have to become my full-time tutor."

Amélie smiled, her fingers lingering on his thigh, sending a warmth through both of them. They'd been spending more and more time together, and things were less awkward, but still full of nervousness. The banter between them was easy, but there was an ever-growing tension gnawing at them both.

Luke reached for a throw pillow next to him, lightly tossing it at her. "Give me another one. I swear I'll get it this time."

She swatted the pillow away, but her focus had moved on from French. The space between them had slowly been shrinking and she had just noticed how close they were. She tilted her head, her eyes flickering up to meet Luke's. "I think... maybe you are better at other things than French."

Luke's grin faltered, his breath catching in his throat at her new tone. He glanced down at her hand still resting on his thigh, then back at her face, then back to her hand again. "Oh yeah? Like what?"

"Like... this."

Before he could question what she meant, she leaned in, her lips brushing his, testing the waters. The kiss was soft, hesitant, but the second their lips connected, everything they'd been holding back snapped into place.

Luke's hands moved to her waist, pulling her closer. The kiss deepened quickly, no longer hesitant, but instead filled with the feelings they'd been dancing around for weeks. Amélie sighed against his mouth, her hands sliding up to his chest, gripping his shirt in his fists. Luke groaned softly, the sound muffled by her lips.

Their kisses turned hungrier, more urgent, as the tension in the room built. Luke shifted, gently pushing Amélie back against the couch as he leaned over her, his body pressing against hers as their kisses grew sloppier. Her hands tangled in his hair, pulling him closer, and Luke's hands slid up to cradle her face, his thumb brushing her cheek as the kiss deepened.

Neither of them wanted to pull away, not wanting to be the first to end the kiss. Luke realized he couldn't hold his breath any longer. He gasped for air before kissing her again, harder this time, his lips moving with more urgency than before. Amélie let out a soft, breathless moan in reponse.

They pulled away again, their foreheads resting against each other as they tried to catch their breath. Luke brushed a strand of her hair, that had gotten stuck between them, out of her face. His eyes were still half-closed as he whispered, "I've wanted to kiss you for so long."

Amélie smiled, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she tried to fill her lungs with air. She looked up at him, her lips still tingling. "Me too. I... I did not expect it to feel... like that."

"Good or bad?"

"Good," she whispered, her fingers tracing the back of his neck before pulling him in again, her lips finding his once more. There was no hesitation this time, just unfiltered desire as they gave in to the kiss.

~~

"Where you goin'?" Jack asked, pausing his video game as he heard Luke head for the door. He turned around, noticing his brother wearing his Michigan backpack. "And why do you have a backpack?"

"Amélie's place. I'm spending the night."

"Damn, Lukey boy's finally getting laid."

"Shut up, Jack... there's no confirmation that that's what happening. She just asked if I wanted to sleep over."

Jack smirked, leaning back on the couch with a knowing look. "Uh-huh, sure. You don't pack a bag just to sleep over, bro."

Luke rolled his eyes, adjusting the straps of his bag. "It's not like that. We're just hanging out, maybe watching a movie or something."

Jack snorted. "Yeah, okay. Whatever you say, lover boy. But just in case, be safe."

"It's not like that," Luke groaned, grabbing his keys off the counter, trying to escape Jack's teasing.

"I'm just saying! Good luck, bud!"

Luke mumbled to himself as he stepped into the hallway, heading for the elevator to the parking garage. His heart was racing more than usual, not just because of Jack's teasing but because tonight did feel different. Spending a night together was a big step in their relationship, especially since they weren't officially official yet.

They hadn't even discussed labels yet, and although they were very close, there was an unspoken worry of figuring out where things were heading. Luke really, really liked her, but he didn't want to rush anything. If Amélie wanted to take things slow, then he would take things slow.

He sat in his car, getting ready to leave when his phone buzzed.

Just picked out a movie. Hope you like rom-coms ;)

Only if we watch it in French so I can practice

Deal.

When he pulled up to her building, he practically leaped out of the car, taking his backpack with him. He knocked on her door, his heart in his throat.

Just go with the flow. No pressure

Amélie giggled when she opened the front door, dressed in one of Luke's Devils hoodies and a pair of shorts he couldn't see from under the large sweatshirt.

"Hey. You look cute," he leaned down to kiss her.

"Hey! Missed you."

"It's only been three days," he laughed, allowing her to wrap her arms around his waist, propping her chin on his chest. "You ready for my horrible French?"

"Ready for anything," she giggled as he ran a hand through her hair.

They stood in the doorway for a few moments more, before she grasped his hand and pulled him into the living room. They settled on the couch, a blanket thrown over their entwined legs.

"Am, I've been thinking..." his thumb brushing lightly against her thigh. "I don't want to overthink it anymore than I already have, but... we've been spending lots of time together. And I really like you."

"I like you too, Luke. A lot."

"Good. Because... I want this to be official. I mean, us. I want us to be official. I don't wanna be just 'hanging out' or 'seeing where things go' anymore. I want you to be my girlfriend." His voice softened at the end, his heart out on a silver platter just for her.

"You really want that?" she gushed.

Luke nodded, "Yeah. I want you. I want... us."

"I want that too," she smiled, shuffling impossibly closer to him, pecking his lips.

Luke pulled her back in for a deeper kiss, relief flooding his body. When they pulled apart, Amélie rested her forehead against his, her fingers gripping the front of his hoodie.

"So, it is official?" she whispered.

"Officially official. You're my girlfriend now."

She kissed him again, laughing into his mouth. "Well... now that we have... figured that out. You have French to practice... boyfriend."

"Let's get started then, girlfriend."

~~

"So... when do I get to meet her?" Jack grinned, knocking Luke's shoulder.

"Oh, um, I can ask her."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "You can ask her?" he teased. "What, you haven't mentioned me?"

Luke sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I have, Jack. I just... didn't think you'd be so excited."

"Dude, of course I'm excited! My little brother has a girlfriend now! And you know I've gotta approve, see if she's good for you. Duh."

"She's not a test subject, Jack. I'm not bringing her so you can interrogate her."

Jack snickered, loving how flustered his brother was getting. "Relax, I'll be nice. In fact, bring her out with us and the guys this weekend. Some of the other girlfriends will be there."

"I can ask her. Just... don't be weird about it. She get's nervous."

"Me? Weird about it? Never. I'm charming."

"That's what I'm worried about."

"Come on, it'll be fun. She'll get to meet everyone, and you know the guys will love her. Plus, if she can survive a night out with us, she's a keeper."

"Look, I'll ask. But I know she's been busy with schoolwork. I'll ask her tonight. But seriously, Jack, don't freak her out. Please."

"Scout's honour, man. I'll be on my best behaviour."

"You're not a-- never mind. I'll let you know what she says."

~~

Luke laid next to Amélie in her bed, his arm draped over her waist. She was scrolling through TikTok, laughing at French words he didn't know yet. He pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder, peeking at the screen where some girl was speaking rapid French while doing her make up.

"Hey, Am."

"Hmm?"

"So... Jack and some of the guys are going out this weekend, and a few of the girlfriends will be there too," he paused, thinking over his next words. "Jack was, uh, wondering when he could meet you. He kind of suggested you come along."

She blinked, "Meet... all of your friends? This weekend?"

"No pressure! If you're too busy with school, I totally get it. I just thought it might be fun. Only if you want to, of course," Luke quickly added.

She bit her lip, thinking it over, and Luke could tell she was weighing her options. "I'm nervous. I would... like to meet Jack. To be... part of your world."

He pulled her body closer to his, pressing more kisses to her shoulder. "You're already part of my world, Am. And trust me, Jack's been bugging me about meeting you since our first date. He's... well, he's Jack. But he means well."

"Okay. I will come. But if Jack, he makes me feel awkward, you owe me a very good dinner."

Luke laughed, "Deal. And don't worry, I'll be there the whole time. Plus, survivng Jack means you can survive anything."

~~

"C'est très cute, non?" Amélie asked, showing her outfit off to Luke.

"You look like a millon bucks, baby," he replied, leaning down to kiss her.

"What?"

"It's... it's a saying."

She tilted her head slightly, repeating the words back to herself. "A million... bucks."

Luke thought her accent made it all the more adorable. "It means you look beautiful. Like super, super beautiful."

"English says, they are so strange. First you tell me it rains cats and dogs... now I look like I am money. You explain me all of these sometimes, yes?"

"Of course, baby. But I mean it, you looks amazing."

"Thanks, Lu. We should go?"

"If we have to," Luke pouted, leaning down to give her another kiss.

~~

Amélie gripped the straps of her purse so tightly that her knuckles were white. She had never felt so nervous in her life, not even on their first date. She had so many people to impress tonight and probably less than half the words they had in their vocabularies.

Luke was quick to notice her anxiety. She usually walked with so much confidence, but her posture was slumped and her lip was held between her teeth. "Hey, you okay?"

She nodded, but her choked voice betrayed her. "I... I don't know if I can do this."

"You'll be fine, Am," he whispered, brushing his thumb over her cheek. "Jack's going to love you, I can promise you that. And it's just a few of the guys--nothing big. And hey, some of them aren't even native English speakers themselves."

Her eyes were still full of uncertainty, her fingers busying themselves by picking at the skin around her nails. "But maybe I will say something wrong. Or they ask me things, and I do not understand them? Or they will all laugh at me."

"You've been doing so well with your English, love. And if you're ever feeling stuck, just squeeze my hand and I'll come to your rescue."

The bar was pretty empty for the most part, just a few tables of friends talking and sharing drinks. In the back corner, Jack was sitting with a few of the other guys and their better halves.

"There they are!" Jack cheered as soon as he saw them approaching, standing up to greet his brother as if he hadn't seen him in weeks. His tone was loud and confident, and Amélie could feel every set of eyes at the table move towards her and Luke.

Luke gave his brother a quick bro-hug before turning to his girlfriend. "Jack, this is Amélie. Am, this is my brother, Jack."

Amélie felt like all the moisture in her mouth had disappeared, her hand gripping Luke's with a vice-like strength. She opened her mouth to speak, but all her words got stuck. "I, uh, I... hi."

"Nice to meet you, Amélie," Jack said. "Luke's told me loads about you."

She gave him a tight lipped smile, her mind scrambling to find a response, but nothing came. She felt like the weight of everyone's expectations were holding her down. She wanted to wow everyone with perfect English, but all she could do was stand there, frozen.

"She, uh, she's a little nervous," Luke interjected. "Amélie's from Québec, she's here in Jersey to learn English. But her French is like the most impressive shit ever."

"No worries. We're just happy you're here," Nico spoke up.

Amélie forced a smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. She sat down beside Luke, her hand still gripping his with immense force. The conversation around the table picked back up, but she remained quiet.

The guys were easygoing, laughing and joking with each other, and the other girlfriends seemed just as relaxed. The more they spoke though, the harder it became for her to follow. She could pick up on bits and pieces of what was going on, but she couldn't seem to form a complete sentence in her head.

"So, how do you like Jersey so far?" one of the other girlfriends, Lexi, asked with a warm smile.

"It... it's very different. But I... I like it," she replied, her eyes not leaving Luke's hand in her lap.

"She thinks back home is wayyyy prettier. Right, babe?" Luke helped to direct her.

"Yes. Québec is very beautiful."

"So what brought you here?" Jack asked, desperately wanting to know more about the girl that had stolen his brother's heart. "School?"

She bit her lip, trying her best to think of how to reply in English. "Yes... I.... study at Rutgers. Exchange."

"That's awesome. What're you studying?"

Her mind went completely blank. She'd even rehearsed answering that exact question, but now, with everyone looking at her, the words were gone. Her hand tightened around Luke's again, taking a sip of water to clear her throat.

"She's studying communications and media. But the point of her exchange is to work on her English skills."

"That's sick," Jack nodded along.

The conversation around her continued, a few questions being tossed her way but her responses were usually just a few words, the gaps being filled in by Luke. The group eventually moved on to a story that Nico was telling, and Amélie used the shift of attention to shrink into herself further. She let Luke rest his hand on her bouncing knee in an attempt to calm her nerves, but his touch felt foreign in the situation.

After what felt like hours, but had most likely only been half an hour, she leaned close to Luke, whispering in his ear. "Je vais aux toilettes." She stood up before he could respond, scurrying off to the bathroom.

Jack shot Luke a curious glance, but he just shrugged, trying to mask his own worry.

Amélie slipped into the bathroom, pressing her hands against the sink as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. She felt like she was suffocating, her eyes burning with unshed tears. She hated feeling like an outsider, not being able to connect with Luke's world outside of her.

She wiped under her eyes, praying that her mascara didn't run. She didn't want anyone to know she'd been crying in the bathroom. She just wanted to be like the other girls at the table--relaxed and confident, going with the flow of the conversation.

With one last deep breath, she made her way back to the table. Luke looked up at her as she approached. He could tell something was off.

"Everything okay?"

She just nodded, falling back into her silence at the table. She laughed when everyone else laughed, smiling politely when someone made a remark towards her. Luke had never seen her so quiet in his life, not even on the first day that they met. By the time everyone had left the bar, her anxiety was so bad she thought she might puke.

Luke opened the car door for her, and she slid in, staring blankly out the window. The silence between them was heavy. Luke could feel it too, his fingers tapping nervously on the steering wheel.

"Am, what's wrong? You've been quiet all night. You barely said a thing."

The tears that she had been fighting so hard to keep at bay finally spilled out. "I... I feel so stupid. I-I couldn't even talk to them. I couldn't even... act normal."

He reached out, placing a hand on her thigh. His heart clenched at her words. "You're not stupid, Am. You're doing amazing. You're learning a whole new language, that's huge."

"But I had to have you help on everything. I could... not even answer Jack's questions. They normally think... I'm dumb. Not good for you." She wiped at her eyes, frustrated with herself for crying.

"Amélie, baby. No one thinks you're dumb. And you are more than good enough for me--don't you ever doubt that. Jack loved meeting you. Everyone did. I could tell. They don't care if you need some help speaking English. Hell, some of those guys could use the help speaking English."

"I wanted... to be better. To show I can do this. But I feel...lost."

"You don't have to show anyone that you can do anything. Not to me, not to Jack, not to anyone. I love you for--"

"You love me?"

"Of course I do, Am. I... I didn't want to admit it like this. But... I am so in love with you, Amélie."

"I love you too, Luke. Sorry if I... embarrass you tonight."

"You could never embarrass me, Am. Never ever."

"I-"

"Nope, that's enough out of you. Let's go back to yours and watch that stupid cop show you like."

"Mensonges?"

"If that's what it's called, then yes."

"I love you, Lu."

"I love you too, Am."

~~

"I don't know, Jack. She was so nervous last time..."

"But last time there were other people there too. Just tell her you've got the place to yourself for the night and then I'll walk in a couple hours later and be like 'Oh! Sorry, my plans got cancelled.' And then we can all hangout," Jack suggested.

"I'm not going to lie to her. I'll just ask if she wants to spend the night."

"Come on, Rusty! You know I'm just trying to help her relax around me. You're making it sound like a big deal. It's not! She's your girlfriend, and I want to get to know her. Plus, I'll make it fun! I'm good with people."

"I appreciate the thought, Jack. But I want her to feel comfortable, not tricked. So I'll just ask her if she wants to come over and spend the night. No tricks."

"Fine, fine. Let me know what she says."

"I will. Just... don't be an idiot."

~~

Amélie followed Luke into his apartment, her backpack thrown over his shoulder. She looked around, noticing how painfully obvious it was that two men lived there.

"I'm just gonna put your bag in my room. You wanna go make yourself comfortable on the couch?"

"Sure."

She sat down, curling her legs under herself, glancing around the living room. She picked up the remote off the coffee table, fiddling with while she waited for Luke.

"You good?"

"Yeah. Just... taking in. It is very... you."

"What, you mean messy?"

She giggled, then tension in her shoulders disappearing. "Maybe... un peu."

"Hey, it's organized chaos, baby. I know where everything is. Well... most of the time."

"I like it. Feels... comfortable. Like you."

"That's all I want, babe. For you to be comfortable."

"Where's Jack?"

"Probably in his room. Why? Wanna talk with him?"

Amélie quickly shook her head, her eyes widening. "No, no... just wonder. I don't want to... bother him."

"You're not bothering him. He's probably playing video games or doing some stupid shit. He'll come out here eventually."

The last time she'd been around Jack, she hadn't been able to shake her nerves. Tonight, she was determined to make a better impression, even if she still felt like puking.

Luke gently nudged her with his elbow. "Hey, you're good, Am. Jack's chill. You don't have to be nervous."

"I know... just... want him to like me."

"He already likes you," Luke reassured, brushing a strand of hair from her face. "He wouldn't shut up about how cool you were after the last time."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I wouldn't lie to you, silly."

"Love you, Lu."

"Love you too," he leaned in to kiss her when footsteps pulled them apart.

"Aww, did I interrupt a moment?" Jack's teasing voice came from the doorway.

"Relax, Jack. We were just talking... about you."

"Oh yeah?" Jack pushed himself off the wall, making his way to the couch. "All good things, I hope."

"Duh," Luke squeezed Amélie's hand, allowing her to rest her head on his shoulder. "Amélie was just asking what you were up to."

"Probably nothing interesting compared to you lovebirds. Was talking to Trevor--can't let Luke get ahead of me in the whole having a life department."

She tried to think of a quick response to his joke, but came up with nothing she deemed funny enough.

"Luke tells me you like studying here cause it's different. How so?"

"Um, everything... is feeling bigger here. The city, the campus. And obviously... English. There is like... zero English in my town. We use some words... but not lots."

"Well, seems like you're doing great. Don't stress it. Plus you've got this guy," he gestured to Luke, "to help you out, right?"

She blushed, "Yes, Lu is... super."

Luke grinned, leaning in and whispering, "Told you he likes you."

~~

"I don't know how I'm gonna survive without you, Am," Luke admitted, wiping the tears from his face. His usually calm, relaxed demeanor was gone, replaced with a raw vulnerability.

Amélie had told herself she wasn't going to cry, but seeing Luke cry made that impossible. Her tears had started as soon as his had. "You will, Lu. You are so strong. And... I will not be gone forever."

He shook his head, intertwining their fingers. "I know, but... shit's gonna feel so different without you here. I'm used to having you here all the time. And now I won't see you until summer. I don't know how to do that."

"You'll have Jack, the guys, your family. I'm just... a plane away. We will FaceTime, and before you know... I am back. And I will meet Quinn... and your parents."

Luke rested his head in her lap, letting her run her fingers through his hair. She could feel his tears soaking the fabric of her jeans. "I'm gonna miss you so fucking much, Am."

"I'll miss you too, Lu. So, so much."

They stayed like that for a long time, just wrapped in each other's embraces. Neither of them wanted to let go. Neither of them wanted to admit how hard the next few months would be. They just wanted to stay together... forever.

~~

Amélie was sitting at her desk, her phone propped up against her water bottle as Luke's face filled the screen. His hair was a mess and his eyes drooping. She could tell he had just gotten home from practice.

"Hey, beautiful," he greeted.

"Hey, you," she replied, resting her chin on her hand. "How was practice?"

"Exhausting," he groaned. "But seeing your face makes it better."

Amélie blushed, biting her lip as she smiled. Before she could respond, she heard her brothers' voices coming from down the hall.

"Ah, c'est qui, Amélie?" (who is it, Amélie?)

"Son chum?" the other laughed. (her boyfriend?)

"Ahhh, mais Luke, t'es ben chix." (Ahhh, but Luke, you're so hot.)

"Ferme ta gueule!" Amélie shouted. (Shut your mouth!)

Luke burst out laughing at the look on his girlfriend's face. "What're they saying?"

She huffed, rolling her eyes. "They're being idiots. Teasing me about you."

"Teasing, huh?" He raised an eyebrow, clearly amused. "What did they say? Come on, tell me."

She sighed, getting closer to the camera with a small smirk. "They said you're... how would that translate.... that you're 'hot.'"

"Oh, did they know? You must have good pictures of me hanging up then, huh?"

"They're just being annoying. They think it's funny to tease me because I love an American."

"Well, tell them I appreciate the compliment. And tell them I say 'hi'," he teased.

Amélie shook her head but shouted, "Luke dit bonjour!"

From the hallway, her brothers responded with exaggerated greetings in their broken English, making the couple laugh.

"They're something else, huh? I can't wait to meet them one day."

"They'll probably want you to ask Cole for free Habs tickets. But... in a few weeks, I'll be back and I'll get to meet all of your family."

Luke's eye lit up at the thought. "I know! I've been counting down the days, baby. I can't wait for you to be here again!"

"Me neither. Excited to meet Quinn and your parents."

"Yeah, my mom's super excited to meet you!"

"I'm a little nervous though."

"Don't be! They are gonna love you so much, Am!"

"I love you, Lu."

"I love you more, Amélie. Only a few more weeks, then we'll be together again. I can't wait."

"You promise?"

"I promise. And I'm gonna spoil you so much. Just you, me, and the lake."

"Can't wait."

[cowboyjen68]

Hi!!

I just wanted to ask some advice from one butch to another.

I recently got my dream job of being a warden on a nature reserve (and i love it!), while interacting with people there I get called a young man very often (i am 18 lol) and it gives me euphoria to know im masculine enough to even pass as a man. I've also had some volunteers ask if I was a man or not (despite my feminine name).

But recently I got called a "lady" outside while out with my mother. It drove me INSANE I cried alot.

Don't get me wrong I do identify as a woman but I hate being seen as a lady.

I've even thought about using he/him pronouns recently and changing my name but i'm too scared to as most people won't understand bc im still a lesbian.

Is this strange?

ps love u and ur blog lots xx

This is an easy answer because I was 18 once and looked enough like a teenage boy that I got "hey sport" and "hey young man" all the time, especially when in my work clothes. I worked for The Mayor's Youth Corp in Iowa City in the summers of my 15th and 16th year. Mom and Dad let me get a work permit AND bought me a used Datsun Pickup so I could drive myself the 20 miles there and back each day.

I was a volunteer with the Corp of Engineers youth from 14 to 16 and Dad knew I was super excited about this job. Mom was not thrilled that I wanted to cut my hair but my "grand mullet" was really hot under the hard hat in the summer heat of Iowa. (in the 1980's boys and girls had the short in front long and permed in back look) We compromised and I cut the sides really short. (photo of my me at 16 in my uniform for reference)

Using "he" would never have occurred to me because "EWWW Boys". This is not to say, however, that I hated being mistaken for a boy, on the contrary, it felt good. When someone thought I was a young man it meant they treated me as such. They didn't talk down to me, I knew they assumed I was capable and willing to get dirty. I knew unconsiously that along with the mistaken identity came many perks. This was nothing I analyzed but little girls see very early on the difference in treatment they recieve from their brothers, male cousins and neighborhood boys. This difference leads us to become negotiators to control our circumstances and not entittled to treatment based on our skills and actual personalies.

When an adult recognized me as a boy, even for a second at first glance, I knew I didn't have to prove myself. They, for an instant, assigned to me words like "strong, capable, demanding etc". No negotations required.

When someone realized I was a girl they literally had a change in their face. They smiled at me, softened their voice. When I was called "young lady" or "Miss" it always seemed to be backed my the worst assumptions (in my mind anyway). Lady is steeped in all kinds of traits I didnt want assigned to me. "quiet, weak, likes to dress pretty"OR "motherly, submissive, meek" Nothing good in my teen brain, that is for sure. Lady felt so OLD, so married to a man and reliant on him for survival, so polyster pants and ugly flats and scratchy blouses with a flower imprint. NONE of these things are inherent to being a woman or even socially forced on us but that is not how things work sometimes. Words that describe people get stereotypes and myths and traits attached to them all the time. Woman and girl are no different.

I can tell you, the best feeling in the world when I was in that job was when my supervisor, who damn well knew I was a young woman, trusted me with all the same tasks as the boys. Who valued my opinions and abilities equally to the young men. He took time to teach me what I didn't know, just like with them and didn't assume I couldn't or didn't want to learn things on the job. He didn't shame ANYONE for not being strong enough or for getting tired or needing a break.

Don't let the assumptions of others force you into another box of conformity. You don't need a boys name or to use any pronouns you don't feel connected to just to please others. In fact, none of that effort will change perceptions of those around you. I can promise that one day being called Lady will just be another word that you can hear and know it does not change your personality or your interests or control the hope you have for your future. What does waste a lot of time and energy is trying to adjust things in your life to fit incorrect or snap assumptions about you as a person. You can never control the thoughts of those around you but what you can do is stop worrying about it and enjoy YOU.

You have a job you love and are sure to thrive in. You are solid in your sexuality and love of women, you are in a unique position to possibly change the perceptions of others when they think of "young women". Your interactions with the public are sure to effect the assumpions of at least some people when they think of young women and their roles in our society.

Congratulations on your new career and I bet you rock that uniform.

[whoskimii]

okay here me out here

reader who is like busy all the time, they do music such as violin, piano, or what ever instrument.

BUT they also do like volleyball/sports 🫢 so like they are busy all the time. So when reader was growing up none of their family really cared about activities they did and never showed up to anything. But when they started dating (who ever you would like :) ) Their partner would show up to almost everything. so then reader kind of gets confused and asks why they show up to everything even tho it doesn’t matter 😭😭 (When it does bc reader is low key good at everything bc we are)

so it’s like a comfort fic? 🤔

LMAO SORRY IF THIS IS SPECIFIC 😭😭

Do with this what you will 😉

hope you're gonna like it my love!! sorry if i made you wait <3

⋆౨ৎ˚ notes > suguru x you. suguru's your number one fan!! unsupportive family ⋋_⋌ fluff <33 tell me if i missed anything!! ^^ ౨ৎ warning : you may have butterflies in your belly while reading this!! 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

you've always loved extracurricular activities. ever since you were a little kid, you've always asked your parents if they could sign you up to the nearest music or sports club. sometimes, even both.

they never questioned it and always signed you up, which you were grateful for, of course. but as you grew up, you quickly noticed that they didn't really show support and never showed up to anything.

you confronted them a few times about it, and you always left with the same answer. "we can't, sweetie," your parents said. "we're busy with work. we'll be there next time, promise." but they lied. they never showed up to anything.

after a few years, you eventually gave up. you couldn't get yourself to care anymore. they showed up or didn't, it wasn't your problem anyway. you loved what you did and that was enough for you.

but when suguru came along, everything changed. you've finally found someone who actually cared about what you did and who even showed interest.

you played the piano and you played volleyball. whenever you had a volleyball game, suguru would always be in the stands, first row. he always cheered for you with a little smile on his face, applauding when you won points for your team.

he was your number one fan.

and when you had piano competitions, he would always always always be in the first row too. he listened, staring at you with a soft smile as he watched your hands move efficiently across the keys.

at the end, he would always stand up and clap. he didn't care if he was the only one standing or if he was blocking somebody's view, the only thing on his mind was how proud he was of his baby :(

when you guys arrived home, you smiled. "how did i do ?" you asked excitedly. "you were amazing. as always."

as always.

the words echoed in your mind. it was something that your parents could've never said since they never showed up to your games and competitions. "why do you care ?" suguru frowned softly. "huh ?" his confusion made you giggle. "why do you care so much ? why do you always show up ? i just realized that you actually show interest in what i do."

suguru smiled and placed his hands on your waist. "you already have your answer," he murmured in your ear and kissed your cheek. "i like what you do because it's you." the little rosy tint on your cheeks made him smile. "why do you even ask ? do you want me not to show up anymore ?"

you shook your head. "nononono— it's just... my family never showed up to anything, y'know ? my parents always said they were too busy. you're actually the only one who's ever showed up." suguru smiled. "if they really wanted to show up, they'd find the time to. don't think about them, 'kay ?"

as you hummed softly, suguru placed a gentle kiss on your lips. "i love you. i'm your number one fan, y'know that ? i'll always be there. always."

and unlike your parents, suguru didn't lie.

i think your ask is super duper cute!!

⋆˚࿔ kimi 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

[doufudanshi]

for anyone who criticizes jyl for bringing soup to yiling instead of like, money—

we should first ask: could jyl actually have given wwx money? she must have something, you say. the jins are rich! she could even give him some of her betrothal gifts.

but realistically jyl probably didn't have much money at all! let's think this through. not only did she not marry jzx yet at the time of her yiling visit, but (based on many, many imperial palace tv shows lol) all her worth would be in betrothal gifts of jewelry, fine clothing, or other misc items, which is 1) heavy and difficult to transport without notice, but that doesn't actually matter bc it's ultimately 2) disrespectful to sell and worse to have the gifter find out when they come by for tea and you begin chatting about the event in two days and they say oh where's that one-of-a-kind jade bracelet I gave you wouldn't it match the also one-of-a-kind silk garment that lady jin gave you sooo well oh you will look so lovely in it won't you wear it.

or worse, have it recognized in some random pawn shop on the street by someone who has never really liked you and WILL get you in deep shit for it.

does jyl have any money from the jiang side? well, jc has been busy at work rebuilding lotus pier and the clan since before wwx's defection, and even if he's not borrowing a shitton of money from the jins (which he almost certainly is), he definitely has the opposite of surplus funds. he's also busy organizing and buying gifts for the wedding too, making him go more in the red because you know the jins aren't going to want cheap-ass things even if you don't have money.

let's say jyl did get a significant bride price (aka given money money)—not only does that go to her family (jc), but it is given during the ceremony (which, again, hasn't happened yet). and, realistically, jc probably will have to use it to offset the costs of the above.

beyond that, let's just take this scene from a storytelling perspective. sometimes it is simply about the emotional resonance. the vibes. let's say jyl did have some funds to give wwx. but imagine if jyl was like here a-xian take all this money 😐 ok sure useful for some period. but is that the gift that wwx would want during the first time he's gotten to see her in months, and likely the last time he will see her in a long, long time (possibly years)? would that be impactful for the story?

meanwhile, the soup she brings represents her love. we hear in the extra, from wwx's own words, the care she put into selecting the ingredients, making sure the lotus root is fresh and perfectly ripe. it also takes hours for her to even make iirc. wwx derives so much comfort from it—that's why it comes up again and again. it is one of his first memories of feeling safe in lotus pier, of home. it provides wwx some semblance of normalcy. he hasn't had any this entire time, and is likely something he aches for whenever he's homesick or sad or questioning his choices. it is simply, given the circumstances, incredibly thoughtful. (and how meaningful was it to see wn treat it with such respect? seeing that is literally the moment in the chapter when wwx realizes—ah. the wens are people I cherish as well.)

and regarding jyl coming in her wedding dress—it is not for herself. it is for wwx. we saw how devastated wwx was just to even hear that jyl was getting married because he had to hear it from someone who wasn't jc or jyl. and to immediately then realize he cannot go? even more heartbreaking. and jyl, who clearly knows wwx extremely well, would know, without having to ask, how upset wwx would be to miss such a huge occasion in their lives that was previously a given. this is what she can do to offset that, even just a little. because jyl came in her dress, wwx gets to experience a piece of her wedding even though he cannot physically be there. not to be a 2000s mastercard ad, but there really are some things that money can't buy.

idk there's also some fist-shaking at the class discrepancy in the scene. and I get it. it sucks! her dress is certainly lavish, and the wens are farming on a corpse mountain and have only just started making a bit of money. yes, it's fine to think that if you were in the character's shoes, maybe you would've found it to be in poor taste—but the story isn't about you. it is about these characters, and what this scene means to them. and I'm of the camp that if there is no indication that wwx is upset by any of this, and in fact moved by it, there really isn't reason for the reader to be righteously indignant about these things on a character's behalf. that's just not the focus or the point of the scene.

plus, jyl is sharp. she is likely more aware of the discrepancy than most people think. she has also been shown in the text to not just be another sheltered, spoiled noble (re jzx soup incident). but if what you want is guilt from jyl—I personally think that guilt is performative, and accomplishes nothing. her guilt would've only made wwx unhappy. instead, here is an action that is meaningful and brings joy to wwx. to share her joy with him is not selfishness, nor is it some lack of awareness of their situation. if in this moment, she shows off her dress, if she revels in her joy, her happiness, it is for wwx, and wwx is incredibly moved by it.

and let's face it—wwx, of all people, would want to see jyl in a wedding dress that cost more than rebuilding lotus pier from the ground up. he wouldn't want anything less.

[drdemonprince]

how did you know that seeking institutional help was the right step to take?

For four years I was always in high levels of care. When I transitioned out of that, I was a "revolving door patient" to ip units living with a carer the rest of the time. I sometimes self-harmed or did other actions intentionally to get hospitalized during that time. I'm going to focus on mostly that because I don't want to get into the weeds of how different psych treatment programs are categorized and run.

I would say that my goal of being hospitalized usually was to change something in my outpatient life - let my therapist know I wasn't willing to do something, get my companions to let me go for walks alone, whatever. I'd get hospitalized or call the cops on myself or send scary texts to my therapist and then try to end my life, eventually being stopped. I didn't want to die, but if I could prove to them I was willing to, they'd listen.

Another person mentioned a desire for closeness+physical touch, and that was a huge part of it for me. i even got restrained sometimes just because I wanted any touch, which is something commonly heard from incarcerated people. I had certain nurses and other staff who I saw as my family, calling my therapist "dad" and interacting in a needy, childlike way with floor staff.

I also liked how much it pared down my life. I was in college at the time, and found the social habits of the other students confusing and overwhelming, so I'd get hospitalized to miss class.

what helped you trust the professionals or the institution enough for it to be beneficial to you?

i wouldn't say I trust any of the institutions, but some staff earned my trust. I was a scary mean noncompliant patient so the few who actually bothered to get to know me were usually moments away from some kind of burnout where they realized all this shit sucks.

One of the things they did that earned my trust was to share about their own mental health or addiction history. This is encouraged in sud places, but usually VERY discouraged in psych units, moreso the higher level of care it is.

Another big thing was to allow me to break rules or break them themselves. My ex-therapist used to meet with me for extra time, give me my DVD player when I wasn't allowed, etc. and it felt like he saw me as equal. Turns out he sucks. but. during the time he was treating me he definitely helped me a lot with my thinking patterns, so the trust still ended up benefiting me, even if the relationship didn't always. He also talked A LOT about his family and life outside of work, and showed me pictures, and I even met his dog once.

for me this is an example of why therapists are kind of. not great? because he earned my trust enough to help me, I was at his defense. I felt like not getting better was something I was "doing to him", and his displays of sadness (once something I'd considered a positive aspect of his self disclosure) became a way to manipulate me into the hospital when I didn't want to go, without having to resort to force or law. i agreed with the assertion of psychology that he knew me better than I know myself, and gave every part of my personality, personhood, to the medical model.

so yes it helped as in now when I'm suicidal or about to bpd-style destroy my every relationship I think "play the tape forward what happens next" and don't. which is lame bc it means most of the people who treated me get to leave patting themselves on the back about how well im doing now.

which kinds of institutions have been *less* traumatic than the others?

A few times I got to live in supportive group home style places, and those are kind of nice! It was cool to be in a place surrounded by other mentally ill people. Much less lonely. In general, places that let you outside independently, let you access food independently (e.g. no staff in the kitchen), and let you keep some secrets from staff are the best. My quality of life was 100% better when all the program heads knew we were vaping in our rooms but just let it happen unless someone started setting off alarms. Ditto with like, being able to stay up late on Devices.

Having that independence, a place for my sense of self other than being a patient, was sooo sooo helpful.

is it sometimes worth simply not being able to act on the ideation, even if it means putting up with lots of institutional bullshit?

I didn't find the hospital particularly good at getting me to not act, instead they just prevented the worst consequences. All three hundred stitches I got for self-harm were while I was institutionalized. But like, my nerve damage is less than it could've been. I am not sure how to evaluate if that's better than having just died, because I have no idea how much the institution itself caused self-harm and suicidality.

all things being equal, would it always be better to be able to stay at a friend's house instead?

yes

if you could get 24-7 company from a loved one, would that be better?

yes. however. i think it would be good if people had some information about how to talk to suicidal people. like... i forget the training. but its similar to what they teach helpline volunteers. thats its ok to say suicide. to ask if they have a plan. to ask if theyd be willing to get rid of the means. etc.

SORRY IF THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE TO READ

this is a wealth of information, thank you!

[robloart]

I watched the begins≠youth show a couple days ago. I was too busy to talk about it but now I have down time and kind wanna go over some stuff. (I pirated it for the boycott obviously and bc the platform Hybe released it on is ass backwards and weird)

I was kinda concerned that I wouldn't get emotionally invested with the story without BTS there but I really liked it so far. It hits the emotional beats really well. The actors are really good and do a good job bringing their own individuality into their performance while also emulating some mannerism of their respective members character. Enough that I'm reminded of BTS but not too much that makes it feel weird or uncanny.

They changed some things but not too much so far. I think the way the BTUniverse was presented made it much easier to adapt it into a series. But also made it so some characters are just too devoid of their respective members personality. Such as Dogeon. He doesn't feel like Namjoon to me and his actor doesnt resemble him at all I feel like the other actors even just slightly resemble the members but not him and I really don't like it. But What we know of all their characters is only their adult selves after what happens in high school tho so I forgive it but he's the only one I had trouble really vibing with bc of that.

I don't know if theyre gonna include the supernatural elements into the show it seems like it might be a crime drama murder mystery where they deal with extenuating circumstances of their daily lives while investigating the past and how they may be connected with each other. Their was a lot more emphasis placed on yoongi mothers death and what may have lead to it than in the original BTU.

I like the direction but I would have loved the supernatural elements more than just another murder mystery HS drama.

Jins character (hwan) really pissed me off at first but it was intentional ofc. The actor does a good job. His character is quiet and contemplative but cute when he wants to be. Loved the moments between his character and Namjoons (Dogeon) I'ma namjonist at heart and BTU was giving namjin hard ASF.

The actor for hobis character (hosu) is a master at emulating his mannerisms and even the inflection in his voice and his dialect. It was amazing how I immediately knew who he was while I kinda struggled for the other characters until I realized they still had the same last names as the BTS members 💀. Hes cute and acts as a mediator for the group like jhope sometimes does irl. The actor does a good job of balancing hobis sunny personality and his quiet suffering with his trauma and disorder. I think his narcolepsy might still be munchausen's disorder like in the og.

The actor for taehyungs character (jooan) really matched his carefree and playful nature of both his character and taehyung. His smile and facial expressions really remind me of taehyung. He reminds me of how tae portrayed his character in hwarang. They took away his sister so idk if tae(jooan) killing his dad is gonna be something that happens since his sister's abuse was the motivator for it. Again I think it's bc they may have taken away the supernatural time travel elements.

I was worried about yoongis character (cein). I was really hoping they didn't portray him as one dimensional. Just angsty sleepy and quiet. The same way some army's portray yoongi in fanfics sometimes. But I like that they included how cute loud and mischievous he can be with bursts of energy. How reliable and loyal he is. How he cares for ppl with actions instead of words. I think Cein's personality resembled yoongis the most out of any other character and their respective member. The one thing I ABSOLUTELY hated was the implication that yoongi or his character would be uncomfortable with queerness even as a joke. Mr tongue technology himself?? I don't think so. They can miss me with that bullshit.

Haru being a unisex name just like Jimin is so cute. I like Jimins character his actor is really good and nailing the more serious scenes. His story along with yoongis(Cein) was the most compelling to me so far. I like how his trauma is portrayed and even the stigma around it. I like how they put him in charge of the decorations and cake for Cein's birthday like Jimin used to do irl before the company sorta took that over. I don't remember Jimin(haru) having an older brother but fuck him and his mom and dad.

Like I said before Joons character (Dogeon) bothered me the most. He's poor and sad and that's really all there is to him rn and it kinda sucks. The actor doesn't remind me of namjoon at all. His performance is good but the writing for the character is just a bit weak. They also make him more law abiding than he was in the BTU. He acts as a voice of reason to tehyungs (jooan) mischief but I don't really remember him being like that. But again the BTU didn't explore their highschool days THAT much.

Jungkook character (jeha) is adorable. the actor is a minor so I hope ppl take that into account when talking about him and his character. His home life isn't as bad as it was portrayed in the BTU but I think the abuse he faces will obviously escalate. I like the dimension they added to his character. I'm ready to see where this goes for him.

I screamed when I saw Jung sungil as jins(hwan) dad. Very good choice. I loved him in the glory but I'm so prepared to see him as a villain. Also the actors from beyond evil playing jungkooks(jeha) older brother.

Very interested to see where this trail goes with yoongis(Cein's) mom. If Hwans dad did actually SA her and what lead to her death. I was surprised they included that detail. I also have a feeling that Hwan's dads weied issue with Hwan having friends may have something to do with Cein's mom.

There also seems to be a culminating revelation of how the boys were involved in Cein's mom death. They kept showing flashbacks of each boy when some building exploded. I thought it was yoongis suicide in BTU but then they showed both where Cein was during the explosion so it was some other fire and not the fire that namjoon dies in (didn't relaize how many fire related deaths was in the BTU) bc I believe that takes place later when they're older and if they changed that fire to fit the lack of super natural elements then it still wouldn't fit bc jooan doesn't know who Cein is at the time of the explosion. So it must be the fire yoongis mom dies in if not then idk.

Honestly just really looking forward to seeing where this all leads especially if they've excluded the time traveling.

The show also gave me this weird sense of sad nostalgia for hyyh Bangtan. I cried a little seeing them interacted with such simplicity especially Cein's bday scenes bc I was just heavily reminded of BTS and really miss them.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Your butterfly Howdy- so so so obsessed!! please tell me you thoughts I love him!! The thought of him simply falling from his chrysalis in a big sopping mess is so real™ , true butterfly moment

i would be Delighted to Talk. i always am. i have many thoughts always about everything. especially This. gonna add a cut so there's not a wall of text on my blog

okay so 1) i don't think he'd give any warning that he's gonna turn into a chrysalis. probably because he wouldn't realize it's happening bc like... those good ol caterpillar instincts took over <3 also it probably made him very very eepy

in his perspective, he took a nap and woke up spontaneously Different. everybody else had to deal with a solid few weeks of him being a chrysalis. and it's not like he was resting inside it - there is soooo much going on in metamorphosis, caterpillars/butterflies Do Not Rest At All

so when he emerges from the chrysalis (as a pathetic wet rag of a man <3) he's just... so out of it. his memory is a little fucky for a bit, he's weak, & he's exhausted to the point where the only time he's awake is to eat (gotta get that energy back!). that's it. he's dead asleep, wakes up, demolishes an entire bowl of fruit, and passes back out. can't even speak coherently.

he slowly gains lucidity until he's functional. he has a small period of time where he's kind of delirious/loopy from an overdose on Sleep, and it's hell on earth for everyone to deal with. i like to think that his main Watchers during this time are Poppy and Barnaby, both bc they're both big enough to wrangle him and bc of obvious reasons. (Poppy is a worrier and Barnaby is in love with Howdy)

when Howdy's loopyness wears off, he's still very tired and a bit spacey, but hey! he reopens the bodega! not that he needs to, since everyone was getting stuff from it anyway. he has a lot of IOU's in the never-used cash register <3 and lots of sweet notes. everyone missed him <3

so for a while when he's functional-but-Exhausted, he's a bit of a grouch. he simply does not have the energy to deal with Shenanigans and Excitement. if anyone walks into the bodega he's basically like "get your shit and get out, thank you, bye". he still sometimes nods off at the counter. eepy eepy bug.

and i don't think he'd really like his new appearance at first? i get the vibes that he Didn't want to pupate OH MY GOD THAT'S THE WORD! I'VE BEEN USING CHRYSALIZE WHICH ISNT EVEN A WORD BC I FORGOT 'PUPATE'. FUCK!, so he was subconsciously putting it off and was able to live for such a long time as a caterpillar.

but oopsie! he lost the battle of biological will! now he's got So Much Fluff and wings and claws and longer antennae and like... he's blue now. that would probably be at least a little unsettling, especially since he didn't realize it was going to happen. also he has to tailor all of his clothes to fit the wings and the Fluff.

plus, i imagine butterfly/moth wings are a Bitch to deal with. they don't fold like bird or bat wings, and they're kinda delicate - though due to Howdy's size, i'm sure they're more durable than a normal butterfly's - so i bet they are Constantly In The Way. (Barnaby probably makes a joke about how "Eddie's supposed to be the clumsy one" after Howdy knocks over a display with his wings for the umpteenth time. cue Barnaby getting kicked out of the store)

it takes a while for Howdy to get them under Control. they'd probably give away ever emotion he has. angry/frustrated? fluttering like crazy. thinking happy/fluffy thoughts or daydreaming? slow opening-closing. sad/pensive? droopy wing cape. stressed/high-strung? closed tight like a book. etc.

(similarly, his antennae are Very expressive! this is not something he can control unless he focuses extra hard. within a week Frank has memorized what each curl and twitch means)

but once Howdy has reconciled with his new appearance & has wrangled his wings, He Is So Fruity And Even More Eccentric. he fell outta that chrysalis and went "im gay now! 🧚‍♂️💅" kidding Kidding. kind of.

idk why, just... i feel like he gets a confidence boost. he realizes hes a Pretty Boy™️. he's like "this is what it must feel like for Eddie when he does drag". he's got that extra fruity Flair yk yk.

and sure, flowers are a little more distracting to Howdy than they used to be, prefers fruit over greenery, and he can't resist taking a short break every day to sun his wings, but other than that things are mostly normal. he's just extra pretty now.

[streaminn]

I'm kinda surprised that no one's asked much about the motherfucker au. There's no official name for this au so I'll just keep calling it that. It's kind of a long one, but i really like the premise of it. How long after first sleeping with each other does wenclair start seriously dating? What kinda pushes them in the right direction? Is it Wednesday's jealousy/possessiveness that wants Enid to be all hers, especially after getting divorced and realizing that she can't let this one, this special good kind and loving someone slip through her fingers? Is it enid who finds herself imagining being a family with wednesday and the kids? Does enid sometimes stay over at Wednesday's place and wake up early to make them breakfast, including belle and oleander? Does Wednesday visit enid during her lunch break because she misses her and just wants to spend some time together? The kids would be apprehensive about the relationship at first, but after seeing how happy their mom is, would they be more open to accepting that enid may eventually join their little family? Enid would never try to force herself on them but once they were open to it, how would she bond with the kids? Does Wednesday's heart skip a beat when she notices Enid is trying to be involved with and genuinely cares about her children rather than dismiss them like most people would?

the motherfucker au is just crack mate, so idk what to tell you 😭

honestly, it takes like a week of regular sleeping together before wenclair was like "i like this intimacy, i like you, lets make this something more" and wabam, now they're dating and keeping their hands off each other to truly enjoy each other's company outside of the bed

enid was the one who made the first move because damn, wednesday is gorgeous and waking up with her is definitely something the professor would enjoy more if it lasted for longer than a day

i dont think wednesday would be jealous bc professor enid is lowkey tired and stressed to even dress well -idt she has enough effort to even date other people too, so its definitely more on how wednesday doesn't want to waste this opportunity to be treated right

enid doesn't know what to do with kids but honestly, the lil shits are growing on her. Sure they're troublemakers in a way that they disrupt the class and dont pass shit on time but she genuinely enjoys helping people out and while they're bastards (affectionate) she doesn't mind teaching them outside of class hours

so yes, during weekends when the relationships get alot more serious, enid pops in at wednesday's house with breakfast. The mother will stare at the extra food and not ask, its pretty obvious who it is for tho.

The children will skip down the stairs long since enid is gone and enjoy the food, wondering where its from. It never fails to make wednesday smile against her drink when she mentions that its from her girlfriend

"GIRLFRIEND?" they'd shout and so they get overprotective. "are you sure!? what if she takes advantage of you??" think of this as pre reveal, so they definitely don't know that its their teacher

wednesday definitely visits enid at work one day and it makes the children damn distraught because their teacher is dating their mother.. omygod, does that mean they have to play nice now?? oh dear log, why?!

but yeah belladonna warms up to enid pretty easily but oleander is ready to be a passive aggressive son because his donor didn't treat his mother right, who's to say enid wouldn't be the same? cliche son stepping in to be the man in the house bc his dad couldn't do it etc etc

its alright tho, they all warm up to each other eventually and enid knows that this is an awkward situation over all so she keeps her distance to make sure they aren't uncomfy. She will show that she cares though, but thats just because thats how she is as a person

wednesday takes that pretty well (she's screaming without the s)

[hanamiyama-basketball-club]

i want to know what piercings isami and smith would get, and what they would feel about them

Oh, this is an interesting one.

I have of course immediately hit a wall in that I said to handwave external reasons that someone wouldn't get a piercing; but "literally being in the military" feels like a big wall to completely ignore, or at least one that we'd be better off seeing if we can use as a ladder.

(Disclaimer: I don't know a ton about the military, but this is my question and I say rule of cool applies exactly as much as I want it to. I mostly looked up uniform requirements for the US Marines because that at least applies to one of them and probably the JSDF aren't that far off. I am calling this sufficient bc A. I'm only using it as vague guidelines anyway and B. I am too tired to attempt to understand that kind of formal rules language in Japanese and most Japanese military stuff in English has Bad Vibes.)

Smith, as we see him, doesn't really seem terribly interested in uniform regulations. I have to imagine he's gotten written up at one point or another by some exceedingly stodgy higher-up for wearing his tokusatsu t-shirts a little too close to base. (Though Ryoma didn't seem very strict about these things either, so maybe that's just what their unit is like.) So I have an easier time imagining he has a piercing and it's healed well enough that he can take it out when he needs to appear in full dress uniform. From a bit of googling, this seems like something male Marines often get away with as long as it's not like, gauges.

(Tangent: I skimmed what purported to be official regulations and apparently only female Marines are allowed to carry -- hold up google tells me as of 2019 umbrellas are now gender neutral https://www.npr.org/2019/11/07/777352792/marine-corps-revises-its-umbrella-policy go woke or get soaked)

(As of recently he could have a decent amount of tattoos too so long as they weren't on his face or hands or anything. I was about to say I hope he has a secret cool Sparkaiser and then I remembered we have seen them all incredibly naked. Nevermind. Maybe it's on his dick.)

Anyway I think he got his right earlobe pierced when he was a teen because he thought it was pretty cool. Maybe this was as close as he felt like getting to rebelling, though it probably felt hollow without parents to react to it anymore. He was born late enough to have missed schoolyard taunts about the "gay ear" and oblivious enough to not realize why older or more queer-history-aware people tend to nod thoughtfully at him. He doesn't swap the earring out much, though sometimes he attaches a charm to fidget with, something geometric and dangly. Mostly he just wears a tricolor gem trio, which looks sufficiently patriotic that most people leave him alone about it but in his heart it's Sparkaiser merch.

He would maybe get something else pierced if he thought it was cool enough, but he's pretty happy as is. Maybe after he gets back from being a robot he gets something else to ground him back in his physical existence again, or something that interacts with whatever weird sensory hangovers he has from having radar and built-in wifi. Like daith piercings for migraines. I said only one though so that means I don't have to decide any specifics.

Isami is more difficult.

I have a hard time picturing him with any kind of piercing at the start of the series. This guy seems to have changed into his dress uniform to go to the bar, he has no hobbies besides weight training. We never see him in civvies until, presumably, Bravern makes him that aloha shirt; you can't convince me he owned anything like that before. I don't know what reasons would make that Isami either decide to get a piercing or do it impulsively. (Which I imagine is why you asked.)

I can imagine him as a teen doing something like what I did when I was ten: going as far as ... well piercing in Japan is usually either done at the doctor or by getting a little self-piercing doohickey (only for lobes, hopefully), so not "standing nervously outside the Claire's for half an hour and then getting scared and going home" but close enough. Maybe he did try piercing his lobe, panicked thinking of The Permanence Of It All; how it didn't make him feel as immediately different and grown up as he thought it would, it just meant he had a hole where he didn't have a hole before, and maybe he did it wrong and it will get infected. So he immediately let it heal up again. (Which it did without a trace, so it wasn't permanent, obviously; but in that moment it felt very serious, because he was and is a very serious guy.)

I'm projecting massively onto both of them. That's allowed. Isami is hard to get a grasp on and I'm still working on it. We don't know much about him as a kid besides that he didn't find heroes compelling.

But being Big Bang seems to have loosened him up a bit, and he seems to have learned to take a chance and keep moving forward even if he doesn't know what's going to happen. I can imagine that Isami getting a piercing, somewhere on their world cruise. A way to commemorate everything that happened, to mark the break between his old cautious self and the one that smiles and cries when someone might see. A sanctifying of the body changed forever by the ultimate communion with Bravern. Something with gold jewelry, probably something simple like a barbell; somewhere he can still hide it under his dress uniform if he needs to, because he is still a very serious military man, but somewhere the right person might get to see the secret passion even he didn't know he had until recently.

In other words, my brain immediately went "oh he has a Prince Albert" and I'm trying to come up with any way that could possibly be true. Maybe he wanted to surprise Smith. (It did not work he still hasn't seen it got dammnit lewis smith get your shit together) Or at least nipples, that man spends enough time shirtless all of a sudden he should at least get to show off. He can put tape over it when he goes to the gym or something it's fine

[elizmanderson]

bye I just have to talk about Good Omens for a sec since victoria and I watched S2 this weekend and I'm already rewatching it so I can pay more attention this time bc I know what happens now and am not like. desperate to find out. y'know like when you read a book the first time and you read it really fast and kinda skimmy bc you're just like WHAT HAPPENS NEXT so then the next time you read it you pick up on stuff you missed the first time simply bc you weren't reading carefully bc suspense.

okay anyway there will be spoilers so I'm gonna place a "read more" and also tag. so DO NOT keep reading if you don't want Good Omens S2 spoilers.

okay so I partly want to talk about this on a craft level? bc I was thinking the whole time about OFMD and how like. y'know, it's marketed predominantly as a ~comedy~ but it's a ROMANCE and if you know romantic beats then you recognize that bc you see the romantic beats? and GOS2 felt very much that way, where like I was seeing the romance beats and they made the brain go brrr. like obviously it's not the SAME bc Ed and Stede had never previously met whereas Crowley and Aziraphale have been running around together for millennia, but

Crowley saying to the nebula "you're gorgeous" and Aziraphale being like :D until he realizes Crowley wasn't looking at him

Aziraphale being DEVASTATED when he thinks Crowley has killed the goats and IS going to kill the kids but then being like !!!!!!!!!! when he realizes Crowley actually didn't kill the goats and isn't going to kill the kids

Crowley being the one to understand and offer Aziraphale comfort when Aziraphale thinks he's fallen

the moment you can see Aziraphale realize he's in love with Crowley in that church in 1941, there's the look on his face and ALSO the romantic music at that moment bc he has Realized

Aziraphale afterwards constantly stumbling over "my.......friend" when he has to introduce Crowley to people and isn't sure how to do it because yes they're friends but also it's something other than that to him

Crowley constantly being SO there for Aziraphale without even really realizing he's doing it (like yeah he gets >:[ about it sometimes, like when they argue about helping Jim and he initially says no and then goes back, but he always goes back anyway)

everyone—LITERALLY EVERYONE, heaven, hell, humanity—thinking they're legit a couple and just taking it as accepted fact, like it's not like it's played for a joke (I mean it is FUNNY but it's not the way it is on Supernatural when people assume Sam and Dean are a couple instead of brothers), it's just literally a thing everyone thinks. like Shax is like "I didn't used to believe it [but now I see it's true]" and Nina literally won't accept that they're NOT a thing even as Crowley is actively protesting

THE MOMENT CROWLEY REALIZES after Nina does that, where he's like. wait. WAIT. w a i t . and you can just see his whole universe turning on its axis bc he's never realized BUT NOW HE IS REALIZING AND—

there are more, obviously, but I was mostly focused on the ones BEFORE the romance became. well. I was gonna say explicit but this was all pretty explicit lmao, but I think the moment where Crowley realizes what's up is the moment it gets into territory that makes it much harder for the advertisers to say "besties :)" even though they totally still will.

BUT ALSO!! can I please just shout for a moment about how much I LOVED that like every major couple on the show mirrored Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship?? like from a craft perspective my brain was just going BRR BRR BRR BRR BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR bc I fucking loved the parallelism and especially seeing romantic couples that mirrored them where like, it's the kind of thing where if the network wouldn't LET neil make the queer romance explicit, you'd write that in intentionally to signal to queer viewers, "hey, the network is being a dick about this, but YOU will know that I DO mean for their relationship to be a romance"

but instead we got the signaling AND we got explicit queerness from the MCs (in more ways than just the romance btw which I feel is important to point out, bc while I am overjoyed that we DID get a queer romantic arc and a queer kiss onscreen, the show and these characters would not be any less queer in the absence of this romance) and I just !!!

Elspeth and Morag - you've got the one who does something bad and isn't particularly bothered about it and more importantly does it to keep food on the table (so to speak), and the one who's good and devout and can't stand by the bad thing even if it's to help them (but ultimately does in fact actually go out to help with the bad thing bc the "good" one loves the "bad" one)

Nina and Maggie - more explicit parallel that's MADE very explicit by Nina telling Crowley that he's like her, the kinda jaded cynical one and the one who believes in magic and goodness (and also the one who believes in magic is CLEARLY head over heels in love with the cynical one, while the cynical one hasn't realized how much they like the one who believes in magic lmao)

Beelzebub and Gabriel - okay I mean this one's a gimme bc it is QUITE LITERALLY Crowley and Aziraphale in that it's a demon and an angel that, as it turns out, have been working together and meeting secretly for ages and have gone from supposed enemies to reluctant allies to allies to friends to lovers, with the main difference being that it seems Beelzebub was more obviously in love first in their case lol. CAN I TELL YOU HOW I SCREAMED WHEN GABRIEL MADE THE JUKEBOX ALWAYS PLAY THAT SONG JUST BC BEELZEBUB LIKES IT

anyway 11/10 loved that no notes

okay I actually have more to say bc on the one hand YES the season ended in a DEVASTATING WAY (again a la OFMD—except that Crowley and Aziraphale got to have it out, which somehow is slightly less devastating than Crowley just waiting for an Aziraphale who never shows up—and in fact victoria sent me the below pic today lolsob)

...but I admit I'm a sucker for an angsty kiss, and there was SO MUCH explicit queerness ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE this season and I loved the romantic beats and the parallels between the other couples and Crowley/Aziraphale and the classic Good Omens humor and, well, everything else

like I'm a fan of the book and I loved S1, but S2 is like. like this season was MADE for me. like. that's the good stuff right there

but I'm gonna shut up for now and maybe my thoughts less about craft and more about devastation will be another post lmao

[elvisabutler]

Plssss 4 kids and he didn’t think he could give her one and the pregnancy being accidental I LIVE FOR THIS CANON!!! Can we get more headcanons on that, on when he tells her that he doesn’t think he can give her kids & she assures him that if anything them together is enough and when she becomes pregnant they are both so happy I want big daddy elvis to have the happiest endings (i think mainly bc elvis didn’t get his in real life but thats an ask for another time) and him watching her walk across the stage proudly caring his seed and then each time she gets pregnant he’s just like ?! bc he never even thought he would have one kid let alone 4 and graceland is never the same again

listen anon, originally they weren't supposed to have kids but i got talked into it by certain individuals who know who they are. they're also probably the same people who made it so i actually gave these two a happy ending that was longer than five years because i was gonna be that person. but i'll give you the headcanon but you have to give me the thing you said was an ask for another time. FOR IT IS ANOTHER TIME NOW.

listen. he knows he's older and he's maybe not the most virile but he figures it'd be a crying shame to not give her a baby. like he loves her so much that he kind of wants to see her all swollen with his kid and even after he wants their little kid running around graceland.

listen. he has to tell her that he's not sure he can get her pregnant, not for lack of trying, but just because he knows sometimes it's hard for him to get it up, sometimes all they really do is cuddle it's just more him knowing the limits of his body.

"I wanna give you one, wanna see you carryin' our baby but- if i can't- i can't guarantee it'll happen."

"as long as i have you it's alright. it's- you'd still love me even if we didn't have one, wouldn't you?"

"what kinda dumb- yeah i would, darlin'."

so they don't really plan on her getting pregnant because they had plenty of sex before without her being pregnant.

but then it's the semester she's supposed to graduate and look. professor presley knows her body. so he can see changes better than she can.

he notices her chest getting a little fuller and notices her bloating but it's only when she's nauseous all the time unless she's eating a snack that his brain makes the connection.

of course, he doesn't dare hope so he doesn't necessarily tell her beyond dropping some hints.

she goes to the doctor because she realizes she's missed her period and her symptoms as small as they are line up.

so turns out she is pregnant and she waits to actually cook him dinner to tell him in a show of silliness when normally she's pretty practical about matters like this.

when he realizes what she's trying to tell him he picks her up and just twirls her around because she's got his baby in her.

but since it's twins she shows quicker and one night while she's soaking in the tub he just places his hand on her stomach and pauses his book to say something.

"i was a twin." "what does that mean?" "ya sure there's jus' one in there?"

which no she's not but she doesn't want to necessarily believe the ultrasounds and how her body is really showing it.

but elvis fusses every second of this first pregnancy, because even after she walks, belly all swollen with his babies ( because he sees the ultrasound, it's gotta be two or an alien ) across that stage she's always in his class or in his office.

"sit down in the chair."

"elvis, i'm fine."

"it's m'job to keep you 'n them safe and healthy. sit down."

but he freaks out when she's in labor and is so thankful when he comes in to see her holding his little boy and girl in her arms.

and promptly buys the entire memphis mafia cigars. and drinks of their choice.

but it takes at least a couple years before she's pregnant with number three and honest he can't believe his luck. same is true for four except there's an even longer gap where he really did think it was just gonna be the three kids.

that last pregnancy is the really rough one. but it's also the one he's the most thankful for her and their kids and his life more than anything else.

also listen. graceland hadn't really been full of life since before his mama died. his daddy and his grandma weren't there so it really kind of was just him in that house. and after the kids? oh that thing is so lively it might as well be a playhouse for the entire neighborhood.

and also. also. look. there might have been this one time that a tabloid does a little "where are they now thing" twice where once is before him and belle get together and once after the twins with the third on the way. he is REALLY not happy about the second one due to the invasion of privacy when he's not famous any more.

[idsb]

In a weird way I don't feel ready to leave New York

ok please correct me if i'm wrong and don't hesitate to because i haven't been around here for very long and i don't pretend to know you better than you know yourself in any way (i'm saying everything in good faith as well so i'm sorry if any of it comes across badly).

but i get the feeling that you have a hard time leaving places/chapters of your life in general. with australia, new york, and some other parts of your life you've mentioned (like touring, for example) the common thread from my outside perspective has been that you struggle with letting go of things and letting chapters close. whenever something is coming to an end, or you can see an end in sight, you get this feeling of "whoa whoa whoa life didn't ask me if i was ready" and get overwhelmed with the change. i'm this way too, and at least for me, it isn't necessarily the change itself that freaks me out, but the "i'm addicted to the if only" of it all. it's the "what if i did this or this or this instead" and i've learned that that happens no matter how much i made the most of my time in a place, whether that's a literal place or a place in my life.

so i wonder if that applies here too—is this new-york-specific, or does starting a new chapter or phase of your life always mess with you a little because you think you haven't finished the character arc (for lack of a better term) associated with that phase or place? is this even about new york, or more a reflection of how you tend to handle change and moving on? i could totally be missing the mark here, but it is something i was wondering about when you mentioned you didn't feel ready to leave

oh anon this ask has made me feel softer than you'd ever even believe because everything about it makes me feel understood on a level that just really warms my heart; from everything you said at face value / putting that together, to like, clarifying that you're saying it in good faith bc I get jumpy from some asks sometimes. so. ily for that thank you very much

anyway, I really appreciate you saying this and I think you're right. It's soooooo Taylor coded of me which checks out (I somehow never thought of the lyric "I'm addicted to the if only" like this but it does describe me to a T). You're so right though; whenever I make ANY decision I feel less regret over the actual thing I'm choosing to do, and more like, completely paralyzed by the idea of the infinite amount of other options and lives I could live that will now never exist. I've struggled with that ever since the first Big Decision I made in my life which was choosing a college. That reasoning felt very in plain sight then, but has kind of become more subconscious thing in my head that fucks it all up in the decade since. Thank you very very very much for helping me to re-realize this, I appreciate that truly so much.

I guess I'm like, feeling like I haven't finished the character arc because things feel incomplete and like I haven't Lived a Life here, but simultaneously, that's exactly why I want to leave: it's pretty clear, and becomes moreso all the time, that there's nothing FOR me here. Like whatever magic piece it is that makes this place more than its vastness and its bagels and its $1 pizza at 3am; the actual community that exists here, has not found me after 10 entire years, so it's like.... maybe sometimes you just gotta throw in the towel, but closing the possibility for that all just makes me SAD, I think.

[boyswanna-be-her]

Let me preface this by saying that I'm recounting all of this kind of mundane shit about BFR for myself because guaranteed I'm going to be trying to understand/recap this narrative while im lonely in colorado. And honestly I know it's gonna be easy for me to forget details and second-guess shit that feels so obvious to me in the moment. So if you don't want a blow by blow of this absolutely PG romantic relationship, just skip this one for now.

Today was really nice and the first day in a little while where I haven't had anything pressing to do. It was pouring at the clinic today--has been all week. Yesterday I sat in my front seat w BFR and we smoked a joint together and made fun of the one wet protester until the rain passed. Great morning.

We had lunch together at one of my favorite taco spots in my old neighborhood, and then we had to walk back to the thai place where we ate dinner the night before bc they'd left their sunglasses behind. We went to a coffee shop for a while where they patiently waited for me to be done with a working meeting on my laptop. Then we took a walk in the park in between rain. It was just seamless, idk. There's no question that we'll go do the next thing together. When the rain wouldn't let up at the park, I suggested we go to one of my fave places in the city, and I drove us to a giant used bookstore that was a few miles away.

I didn't realize until we got there that they'd never been before!! I try to take everyone I can there if they're from out of town, and it is ABSOLUTELY my favorite place to both take a new date and have a special date with an established partner. I don't feel guilty about taking basically everyone I've ever dated there--a good date is a good date. There's a lot of built-in conversation to be had and it's easier than a bar and free to wander around. We accidentally killed an enormous amount of time there, and we shot the shit about 20th century history which is my jam, so amazing to talk abt it w someone who can hang, READS, and doesn't have anything to prove in terms of static knowledge recall.

We hung out for a little while but they had yoga and I wanted to head home so we split up after that and it felt... weird? Like it always feels like there's this last step we are missing to our goodbyes. They forced a hug one time when we were saying goodbye from the clinic, but it was really early on and RIGHT when I was coming to terms with being attracted to them (like second time seeing them after having the realization) which means I was in ultra robot mode, and also assumed it was one-sided and they were just trying to be nice. Like I literally think I did a one arm side hug and they were so dejected they never tried again. Now we're weeks later and it feels weird that we're not kissing goodnight or something.

But I had the evening to myself and finally broke down and talked to someone from my real life about them. He was very affirming that I'm not insane, and just recapping the timeline to someone made it make more sense in my mind. I didn't even have to present half of my evidence for my friend to say yeah, that's going in A Direction. I just second guess it all for a variety of reasons, but for example when I screenshotted a text and sent it as evidence that I feel like they text me like a coworker sometimes, my friend pointed out that nobody in the history of neutral coworkers has ever crafted such a long and careful text. Which. Touche.

This morning we were back out at the clinic bright and early. My friend was supposed to join us but she couldn't at the last minute. Instead she dropped into the chat and asked if someone could fill in for her. If I didn't feel like we were already attracting attention (spoiler: we are), i would've REALLY preferred to jump in and say "noooo worries, no third wheel needed please." But we are getting a little visible. So I didn't. And BFR's friend jumped in to take my friend's place volunteering with us.

I ended up being really happy the friend was there though! The two of us are more like a couple when there IS a third person there, although the vibe can be a lot to navigate sometimes and I often have to shut down and take some time to myself. It wasn't unwelcome to have him there though. It makes the vibe between me & bfr more apparent, pronounced, whatever. We already have such a shorthand in common which 😍 wrow, communication fluency.

I invited his friend to lunch with us, and he accepted, and it was fun--I took them to my favorite Greek place which is legit like three blocks from the clinic.

Friend went on his way, the two of us moved to the next location: their favorite spot to work. I also love this location bc you can watch the afternoon rain and vape furiously on the porch without getting wet. Like I said, today was the first day in a while where neither of us had much to do in the way of work. They have been threatening to inflict their favorite board game on me for a while now, and it finally happened today. I am notoriously uninterested in board games (more like bored games amiright) but the combo of my biggest fan being excited to teach/compliment me on how AMAZING i am at it (rofl lying but ok) and the inherent fun of the game meant that I, uh, had a lot of fun, unfortunately.

We did two REALLY close rounds, and in the second game they almost fully missed a work call they had at 7:00 (I remembered bc i am insane but I also didn't mention it until 6:50 bc I thought maybe they were goofing on me and pretending like they'd lost track of time). Turns out they had been planning on muting and barely looking at the meeting anyway bc they didn't wanna stop playing--which is flattering but I'm also like "[Redacted], i already very much want the best for you, INCLUDING not becoming completely codependent and risking your living bc im so charming and fun" so there was a lot of me pausing the play and asking about the meeting.

By the time that was over, we were already butting up against the time we were supposed to meet their friends to lift tonight. We hadn't eaten dinner but they offered to feed me at their place which was perfect. We went straight back and holy shit their homemade leftovers were delicious.

Their friends came on time to lift and the first thing out of the mouth of the one who knows me better was "you and [redacted] have really been spending a lot of time together huh?" The two of us made eye contact and kinda laughed and BFR said "yep" and both made the 😬 face and the friend wouldn't let it go and repeated "you guys spend all day together now..." and my 😬 face couldn't get any more intense and he said "all day... today..." i said "yep we're pretty codependent." (I'd made the same not-joke yesterday when I was very truly pointing out that I don't remember what to do with my alone time anymore, and they not-jokingly replied "yeah we've ruined each other." Which like. At least we're aware.) Only later did I realize that BFR mustve been talking to the friend about it bc I definitely wasn't and there was no public talk about it in our shared discord so 👀 bitch i see u chatting in private abt me.

Lifting was incredible as always. Their friends who are a decade younger than us and sometimes join us, sometimes don't, really crack me up and I have such a good rapport with one of the guys that I think I lift better with him around (the one who was giving us a hard time tonight). He dishes out the abuse I give him while lifting, which I love. Between him and bfr, I feel like a fucking all-star lifter in that little garage gym. They talk positively about my form when they don't even realize I can hear them. Even so, BFR will not hesitate to call me out when a lift looks bad or I need a cue.

So yeah. It's nice. Hanging out at their place, being fed, getting let in on a LOT more inner details than I got in the first months of knowing them. That's all lovely. I always try to text them and let them know when I've had a lot of fun with them, and that's just basically turned into a nightly check-in. On Sunday, I got a very coworkery (imo) message from them about enjoying our time together, thanking me for my "wonderful company," thanking me for spending so much time together, thanking me for attending so many events with them, and saying that they are "definitely down to keep hanging out in the future." At the time I felt like "that's a weirdly formal way to put all this" but getting home to tonight's much more neurotic message made it make more sense (along w the feedback from a trusted friend who makes good points). Like it was a careful message because they are being exceedingly careful with me. They know some of my more obvious damage (all the psychic sucking chest wounds are hard to ignore after a few weeks of learning about me, and i've been going out of my way to be quite "warts and all" with them). They value our time together A LOT. And the more that I understand our similarities, the more I know that they're also likely really fucking scared to endanger the chemistry of this friendship by introducing ANY other dynamic.

Im finally getting to the end here. Tumblr will probably eat this entry. I'm posting it before a full edit--RIP anyone parsing this.

But the message that I came home to tonight was FINALLY a little more vulnerable, and essentially said that if I want to spend LESS time with them, I'm going to have to tell them that straight up, and that that'll be ok, but if so they need to lnow because this is the amount of time they want to spend with me (all of it), and they don't anticipate that changing.

So! Guess I'll puke and die now! Literally spent five minutes last night considering how I could smuggle them to Colorado with me. Also I haven't had anywhere to put this but since this is an all-bfr all the time blog now, we are going to go on a trip together to chicago in August! There's an actual reason to go other than lovefest vacation (pretty much a work trip for them that I've been asked to tag along for) but as we are actually finalizing the trip plans, it definitely feels more than a little bit like we are going on a lovefest vacation. Which is all the more reason why it would be great to not be hella conspicuous (even though it's a little fun being hella conspicuous).

Like I didn't need another human to come validate my existence, but I *did* need to meet someone who could threaten the idea that I'm ready to die alone. It's nice. It's all nice!! I'm definitely not crying and throwing up!!!

[skitskatdacat63]

Back in my monthly depression era ig but. Thinking about social media and art, and how their relationship has fucked with me. I'm glad I started drawing fanart and I don't regret it. And I think I've really improved my skill this past half year plus. But man it gives me such a terrible complex. That paranoia of "who even would give a shit about this" and "when will people be done with me."

I think any artist always craves some recognition and praise no matter how much you say you draw for yourself. You can draw for yourself but it's still extremely gratifying and inspiring to have people's approval or thoughts on it.I used to draw for myself more and draw so much random art, but I discussed it a lot with friends and it made it more gratifying, to have that interest. And I lost that kinda, a lot. I feel like for a bit btwn losing that and drawing fanart, I can't really remember, I didn't draw as much bcs it just felt a bit unrewarded and it felt bleh.

And then I started drawing fanart. Which felt very rewarding. I'm happy I've not ever really felt the desire to make widely "appealing" art. If you look at even the first things I posted, it's extremely niche, and that's been a lot of fun! But it's also just made me so paranoid and self conscious. What if people get tired of this. What if people find it strange. What if people find it annoying. What if I'm being repetitive. Etc. It's really irritating bcs I KNOW people have told me they find my stuff interesting and that they like it. But my brain can't help but think, what is the expiration date on this, when will it become boring. I discuss my art with people and it's fun, but that self consciousness clings to me like a parasite. Like ah I better hurry this up and enjoy it while I can before they get annoyed and tired of it.

I guess this is all to say, I don't always like my relationship with art, and I hate the way social media messes with your brain. I remember for a bit I would post my art on Instagram and do the whole hashtag game. And then realized it was messing with my relationship with art so I dropped it. And then did the same thing with Twitter, than dropped it, etc. I just hate how I can't let myself enjoy anything. Idk maybe I'm just burnt out or something, but whenever I think of drawing lately, there's just this voice being like "what's the point of even drawing this, why would anyone care." I hate you evil voice in my brain!!!! It's not even a thing about notes, and I feel greedy even simply admitting any of this. I think it's more of a craving of a deeper connection and discussion. Which is what I always seek when I create art. But social media makes you think about numbers and attention and makes it unhealthy and makes you feel guilty for wanting something that's pretty reasonable.

Blah blah blah anyways don't reply to this like, oh you need to fix your relationship w art by taking a break from socmed! It's just this continual cycle and maybe one day I'll break it. But sometimes it just hits harder some days. I just want to stop feeling cringe. I hate it cause internally I'm like "I am cringe but I am free" but that only has to do with actually creating the stuff. Posting about it is the trap I think. Again though, it's natural to crave discussion and approval, but putting myself out there makes me want to curl up in a ball. I miss the days when I was younger and creating all kinds of random art and forcing it upon people with absolutely no shame. But now it's like. I toss my art into the room and shut the door and hide behind it with bated breath. And it often feels like any conversation I have just sates me for a tiny bit and then I go back to feeling empty. Is it ungrateful? Or is it just natural to want to keep having and partaking in a good thing?

Someone sent me advice on this feeling at some point, about how its better to talk to people individually rather than just on main. And I agree! I had a lot of fun the last third of last year. And for some reason it's just felt different ever since the new year began. I just don't know how to recover, and to start having fun like that again. I've drawn a lot of things I've immensely enjoyed since the year began, but for some reason, which I can't really parse, have had way worse self loathing and insecurity about it all. I just wanna recover my joy back :( is that too much to ask

Tldr; yay art improvement! Complex ideas! Much discussion! However: nay! Makes me feel cringe! Makes me feel like I'm running on limited time! Makes me crave too much!

[hopefulstarfire]

I'm still in Act 1 of Baldurs Gate 3 but like. I have a whole ass backstory for my Tiefling (Mephistopheles) Sorceress (draconic bloodline) Layla.

Born in Baldur's Gate.

Was orphaned at an early age. Her mother passed from an illness and her father decided it was too much trouble to keep her around, especially as he was trying to marry this woman he had been cheating on her mother with and she didn't want to be raising another woman's child -- especially bc she was a stuck up bitch who had very low opinions of Layla's mother.

Her maternal grandfather Oberon took her in. I'd like to think he was a dragonborn himself (probably not exactly where she got the draconic ancestry, but sonewhere on her mother's side) but I digress. He was a Bard (College of Lore) and he found her a couple months after her Dad abandoned her. He hadn't been told his daughter Hespera had died -- all he knew was that she wasn't writing back to him and it was really unlike her. So when he came back to the city, he found his son-in-law with another woman on his arm and was informed Layla had been out on the streets since about 3 days after Hespera died.

As such, Layla had been scraping by the best she could, ducking away from law enforcement and the works if she had to steal to live.

After Oberon took her in, she joined up with his traveling performing troupe and began learning how to hone her magic. The older she got and the more she studied, the bigger the star that she became for them.

The troupe really did become her family. She loved everyone, from Granny Constance who always made sure she had warm quilts and sweaters to Richter the Strongman who was never afraid to help her chase away less than savory fanatics of hers. She felt safe and seen with everyone there and always tried to return their kindness to them.

One night, when she was about 22, she went out to a party happening in a village they were resting at, wanting to cut loose a little and enjoy herself. However, when she returned, she found the caravans they traveled in destroyed, items stolen and everyone murdered. From what she could ascertain, it seemed almost everyone had been poisoned -- those who had realized it seemed to have tried to fight back, only to be cut down.

Layla knew whoever had done it had to have had a personal vendetta against someone or everyone in the troupe -- and most likely her grandfather. She knew there would be a target on her back.

She fled back to Baldur's Gate, believing it would be one of the last places anyone would look for her, given her past -- and, with it being a bigger city, she would be harder to find.

She studied in secret, continuing to master over her magic in the hopes that she would one day be able to venture back out and find a way to find whoever took her family from her and avenge them.

A few years down the road, when she was 27, she left to go handle some business for her work and ended up being captured by the Mindflayers and ended up with the tadpole in her head.

Layla is a sassy and fun character, not afraid to appear bold, but does try her best to stay alive and find work arounds to ensure that -- especially because yknow she's a squishy spellcaster. There are times you'll see her make more...questionable choices but don't we all? Deep down, she's just looking for connections like she had in her troupe -- she misses having a family. As such, she's very loyal and trusting to her party and wants what's best for them. Even Lae'zel as much as she has to rein her in.

She's also got a soft spot for kids and tries to help them out -- or make them laugh, though sometimes it doesn't always work ("great news kids, you're going to die out there." "That wasn't how you should have done that." "What? It's a funny joke!")

If you can't tell, she wasn't the comedian of her troupe -- though every now and again she'll get something funny out, though it's mostly her being a smartass. But she primarily did performances with her magic or singing and dancing.

I'm trying to go for Astarion this run but I wouldn't be mad if she got with Wyll, Karlach or possibly Gale.

I want to play her in a campaign some day SO BADLY I love her a lot.

[venjamin-kingdomhearts]

OKAY I HAVE TO APPROACH ON MAIN THIS TIME

i got to read a couple of your writings after the past few days of work and i just ??? Holy crap, what a stroke of genius to take the replica concept with Roxas. im always enamored by the reality that KH has set up, with the rules behind hearts and bodies and souls. like a heart being able to shatter. having a replica start to break down? im gonna sound like an insane person, but there's just something there that's intriguing.

the manga for chain of memories and 358 tried to tackle that kind of thing, but it never went too far past some creepy visuals. but having it written out, something like losing your sight, the sensation of touch. it's terrifying, and it's so fitting for Roxas. it would be horrifying for him, familiar in a sense to when he gave up his life to Sora in kh2 and was forced into non-existence.

IM BAD AT WRITING LIKE THIS, but I wanted to come and sing some praises bc it's just so interesting as a premise. i am going to continue reading everything, but i wanted to drop this comment before i forgot :3

AHH hi again!! im so happy to hear you enjoyed some of my drabbles, thank you so much for stopping by! oooh, eheh, this is a headcanon i haven't talked about too much but have written about a few times!! iii should really post my other stuff to AO3, i have a few older fics that kinda touch on this headcanon... hmm... I've always had a headcanon that since Roxas was brought back into a Replica body in KH3, he sometimes has dissociative episodes and more literal moments of disconnect from his Replica body! I think it can both be terrifying for him and kinda just... "a thing that happens". I have a lotta headcanons about Roxas, Xion, and Ventus, and the effect being a part of Sora has on them. For Xion and Ventus, I kinda imagine they have a lotta issues with their identity (Xion being scared of losing herself again and not wanting to be compared to Sora, while Ventus has to deal with this odd attachment/desire to be more like Sora) while Roxas is more confident in who he is, but has a lot of frustration realizing that other people don't see him as "Roxas", and see him more as just "Sora's Other". Along with that, I like to think all of them are susceptible to feeling "disconnected" from their own bodies, with Roxas in particular having problems adjusting to his Replica body. (Xion's fear is losing herself to "Sora", Ventus' fear is that he misses being "Sora", and Roxas' fear is being seen as a shadow of "Sora". And they all have a hard time being used to just being themselves again, both mental hurdles and physical ones. ) I don't really see the Replica bodies as robotic, buuuut I kinda feel like they wouldn't be 100% human, either. I don't mean in the cyborg sense, juuuust that maybe they'd malfunction sometimes! Especially if the Heart inside (Roxas) wasn't originally a Replica (unlike Xion, who was literally made to inhabit a Replica). Though, I guess every human body can "malfunction". But Replica hiccups are more Heart-magic related, or somethin, like the Heart has trouble connecting to a new body. I just like messing around with that idea, aaand I'm really excited to share my thoughts about this eheh. I don't know if it would make too much sense in canon, but! I think it's fun to think that people who's Hearts have been "disconnected" from their physical bodies at some point might have some issues just... being a person again! Xion, Ven, and Roxas know this best, of course. So they're always looking out for each other. Xion's a lot calmer/more understanding when it comes to Roxas' Replica hiccups, while Ventus is a huge worrywart and is usually in charge of going to get help when Rox wants it. Oh man, I can imagine Ventus doing a lotta research into Keyblade Transformations so he can convert his glider into a wheelchair of sorts if Roxas ever needs it.... though on this note! i didn't know the KH manga touched on this sorta stuff!! if you or anyone has the pages as examples, feel free to tag me in them, if ya want! either way, thanks for chatting to me about this and giving me an excuse to ramble, eheh. 💚