#sometimes we need the hurt

[cakebatteronabrickwall]

Only watched the funeral german edition today, which hit really hard shout out to Ewan's and Roman's voice actors!

- my mother on Kendall: i think he's glad his father is gone, one last look over to the grave and he's gone

- "dear, dear world of a father" has become "deeply, deeply loved father" which is interesting, because it's not quite the same, is it?

- Elegy Strings plays for the first time in its full length when Shiv clocks Rome and the dissonant violin hits right when Frank and Karl lie to her. I'm going insane.

- when Ken gives his eulogy all i can hear is Tim Robinson going "what the hell are you talking about", like I lose the thread in either language

- My mom watched Roman's eulogy attempt, turned to me and said "I think he needed that" and I literally don't know what to say? Bestie? You just unlocked something?

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Good morning, Sleepyhead.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[quietwingsinthesky]

i really do think the desire to paint ten as unambiguously The Worst™️ when it comes to his relationship with martha is out of this desire to uncomplicate their relationship. to decouple them as friends and people who profoundly impacted each other’s lives. it’s just an easier narrative to swallow: that ten was Awful to her and then martha kicked him to the curb when she realized she was too good for him. easier, maybe, then dealing with the troubles of unrequited affection don’t have to be anyone’s fault, or that ten shut martha out in a lot of ways but let her in in others that he wouldn’t let any other companion near, or that they were still friends, they still wanted to see each other and be around each other, even though it was messy and sometimes hurt. you know?

[gooperts-gunk]

im so crazy over the tragedy of everything q!bbh does being under a demon pretense even though he's a fallen angel.

do u think he just accepts the demon label because it's easier. do u think he believes it too, and catches himself in his thoughts with "oh, right. im not exactly that". and maybe he believes that he did this to himself? do u think what he did was to protect himself or someone? no matter the fall, he still has so much kindness to give and his brain just isn't wired the way a natural-born demon would be, he can't hold back instincts when time demands it, maybe that's why he fell in the first place.

and when he's finally bad, not good, it's treated like the end of the world, without empathy on why he would act out. do you think this keeps happening? the same scenario, multiple times, every timeline? he has to be used to it. so he has to take it in stride. he's good until he lashes out under extreme pressure, and suddenly he's called demon. and once again he's what heaven made him out to be. what he made himself to be, his brain would ruthlessly provide...

i don't think he wants to be that, though he hides secrets behind secrets of which neither identity is a home... but i don't think he wants to have to change, either. and i don't think that's wrong of him.

...you collapse atlantis ONE TIME and all of a sudden YOU'RE the bad guy and SURE it was FUN but REALLY now,--

[tin-can-iron-man]

I'm just gonna say it again real quick:

Yes!! Iron Man is a tragedy! It has and always has been since the very first appearance in 1963 which describes itself, Tony's life, and legacy, as such.

Tony causes most of his issues himself, he is his biggest villain, a majority of his rogues gallery are caricatures of the worst versions of himself brought to life (when they're not just being racist cuz...60s...). The worst thing about being Tony Stark is that he can't stop being Tony Stark (he tried!!) That is the point.

The majority of pain Tony goes through, is pain he inflicts on himself, whether intentionally or inadvertently. That is the point.

He is not A villain (at least. Not usually. There are...some rough moments and arcs that are. Not great. As there is with any character as old as he is). But he is his own main antagonist.

[turtleblogatlast]

[ cw: technical child endangerment / ]

Y’know every time I see the turtle tots playing with their original weapons I’m always flabbergasted that Splinter let Leo have a literal sword as a small child.

And then left him unsupervised with it.

Like, at least the others had blunt weapons (though still dangerous in their own right, especially Raph’s blunt tipped sais) but Leo’s katana are so easily lethal that it’s a miracle he seemed to be a natural with them. Because, if he wasn’t a natural then…oof.

It’s at least a good thing he only got one sword at first and not his usual two. Splinter would’ve needed to count his lucky days because OOF.

[ghostoftheyear]

jeez that post resonated with people, huh

anyway this is your reminder to reblog from people and scream and keysmash in the tags. when you read that fic, hit that kudos button, scream and keysmash in the comments (if you liked it; if you didn't, keep that shit to yourself). retweet/reskeet and make sure you're letting creatives know that their work is loved!

and don't bitch if you're not getting exactly the fic or art you want. don't be fucking rude to the creative's face. like I said in the other post, we're a community, and that means being fucking civil human beings to each other.

[saint-ambrosef]

honestly one of the most painful things to see as a religious person is for someone who left your faith to explain why, and its because they misunderstood a major tenet of the belief (or had it misrepresented to them).

like most of the time there's not really anything you can do to help them see it differently or undo all the trauma that the misunderstanding caused, and that sucks. especially when the ex-believer then uses it as proof for why your belief is bad.

[yellowocaballero]

Been a fan of your fics for YEARS. I was just telling my friend how despite how much I read fics I never actually love them, with some of your fics (especially TMA) as the exception. Felt the need to reread some of them and saw you reblogged some ISAT fanart. So. Any thoughts on ISAT you'd like to share?

Hope you have a wonderful day!! So happy I found your fics again!!

I avoided answering this for a while because I was trying to think of a way to cohesively and coherently vocalize my thoughts on In Stars and Time. I have given up because I don't want to hold everybody here all day and I have accepted that my thoughts are just pterodactyl screeching.

I love it so much. I have so much to say on it. It drove me bonkers for like a week straight. I have AUs. It's absolute Megbait. They're just a little Snufkin and they're having the worst experience of anybody's life. Ludonarratives my fucking beloved.

I am going to talk about the prologue.

The prologue is such a fascinating experience. You crack open the game and immediately begin checking off all of the little genre boxes: mage, warrior, researcher, you're the rogue...some little kid who's there for some reason...alright, you know the score. You're in yet another indie Earthbound RPG, these are your generic characters, let's get the ball rolling.

Except then you realize that these characters are people. You feel instantly how you've entered the game at its last dungeon, at the end of the adventure. They have their own in-jokes, histories, backgrounds, adventures. They get along well and they're obviously close, but not in a twee or unrealistic way. They have so much chemistry and spirit and life. I fell in love with them so quickly.

But Sif doesn't. Sif kind of hates them, because they will not stop saying the same damn thing. They walk the same paths, do the same things, make the same jokes, expect Sif to say the same lines. They keep referencing a Sif we do not see, with jokes we never see him make and heroic personality he never shows - they reference a Sif who is dead - and Sif can't handle that, so he kills them too.

They become only an exercise in tedious frustration. Sif button mashes through their dialogue, Sif mindlessly clicks the same dialogue options, Sif skips through the tutorial, Sif blows through the puzzles. Sif turns their world into a video game. Sif is playing a generic RPG. Sif forgets their names. They are no longer people with in-jokes, histories, backgrounds, adventures. They're the mage, the warrior, the researcher, and...some random kid.

I did not understand the Kid's presence at first. I had no idea what they contributed to the game. They didn't do anything. As a party member in a video game, they're a bit useless. Why is the Kid there?

Because Sif's life isn't a video game. Because the kid isn't 'the kid'. They're Bonnie. Bonnie, who the party loves. Why is Bonnie there? Because they love them. There is no room for Bonnie in the boring RPG that Sif is playing. And then you realize that Sif is wrong, and that they've lost something extremely important, and that they'll never escape without it.

Watching the prologue before watching ISAT gave ISAT the most unique air of dread and horror, because you crack open ISAT and you see the person Sif used to be. You realize that Sif used to be a person. Sif used to be the person who made jokes, who gave real smiles, who interacted with the world as if they are a part of it. And you know you are sitting down to watch Sif lose everything that made them a person, to lose everything that made them a member of this world, and turn them into a character in a video game who doesn't understand the point of Bonnie at all.

At the climax of the game, when the others realize that something is deeply wrong and that Sif physically cannot tell them, they realize that there is nothing they can do. So Bonnie declares snacktime. And for the first time they have snacktime.

What is snacktime? Classic JRPGs don't have snacktime. There's literally no point to a snacktime - not in a video game, and not in Sif's terrible life. It's not fixing this, because nothing can fix this. But Bonnie gives Sif a cookie and Sif eats it.

It's meaningless. It's a cutscene. It didn't save Sif and it didn't change a thing. It will make no difference in the end.

But it did make the difference. It made all of the difference in the world. Bonnie is a character who you really don't understand the point of before you realize that Bonnie was the entire point.

ISAT is about comfort media. Why do we play the same video games over and over again? Why do we avoid watching the finale of our favorite shows? What is truly comforting: a story with no conflict, or a story where you always know what is about to happen? Do you want to live in a scary, uncontrollable world, or do you want to play Stardew Valley? Do you want a person or a character?

When I beat Earthbound for the first time (and if you don't know, the prologue/ISAT battle system is just Mother) and watched the ending cutscene where the characters part ways and say goodbye...I felt a little bit sad. I wanted them to be together forever. But that's something only characters could ever be.

[belligerentbagel]

oh no new blorbos have been identified

[imfinereallyy]

Steve Harrington isn't sure he's ever felt beautiful.

He is sure it would be a surprise to most.

However, Steve is overwhelmed with himself. And not in a good way. The constant feeling of the stretch of his skin, every lump, every scar. It's hard to breathe sometimes for Steve.

There is too much of him. Hair everywhere. Worried lips. Voice fluctuating.

Too many errors. Picked cuticles, bitten nails, and crooked noses.

Too many flaws. Loudmouth has nothing to show for it. Big money, but not enough to fix.

When Steve Harrington looks at himself, he doesn't see something he defines as beauty.

Sure he's been called many things across the board. Hot, sexy, and even the occasional handsome. That is typically reserved though for old women at Family Video and his mother's book club in 79' (a disaster of an idea considering it was mostly day drinking). And although Steve is called all these things and more, he hasn't really felt them. They are just more meaningless words he is supposed to nod his head along to. It's rude not to take a compliment, he can hear his mother's voice saying.

But Steve Harrington does not feel beautiful. He knows it's not a masculine word. He can almost hear the unspoken slur every time his father calls Steve a pretty boy, good for nothing but his looks.

(Steve doesn't think it's his father's insults that make him feel this way. He thinks that his comments might have to do more with his repressed bisexuality though. That's a talk for Robin for sure.)

Steve knows he shouldn't feel this way. Should be grateful for the compliments, the praise. It's rude, he knows. To be so ungracious. He can't just push them off, he can't argue.

He knows it isn't good, and isn't healthy to put this on other people. That he should work from the inside than out. Even so, Steve can't help but wonder if it's all his years being put inside a particular box that is the problem.

Who is he to argue with everyone else too? They always know better. The girls at school have told him what eye candy he is. His old buddies would tell him they wish they looked like him. Even the kids would mostly compliment him aesthetically. Talk about his way with women. Talk about how he's lucky he's got looks.

(He thinks he should be bothered more by the value of his looks than his intelligence, but that problem feels separate to Steve. He isn't really sure if he can explain it.)

Maybe that is the problem. People talk more about his looks than to him. Around him, through him, but not to him. Or maybe it's because Steve thinks they are just being kind, being pitiful. If Steve can't be smart, can't be creative, can't be talented all that is left is looks. People can't bullshit the other things, but they can all pretend he's a good-looking guy.

He is probably being dramatic if he's being honest. He can feel the sinking weight of the words selfish, self-centered, vain. It's like a horrible thrumming in his chest, every time he thinks too hard about it. Thankless and paranoid, Steve usually keeps quiet.

It's when Steve meets Robin Buckley, things start to change just a little bit. She's the first to come the closest to making him believe he can maybe be beautiful.

It's after a shift at Family Video. Robin and Steve are sitting on the hood of his BMW at the quarry. They're stargazing. Something that before Robin, Steve would have considered a waste of time.

He is so very glad he met Robin.

Steve has never really told anyone how he feels about himself. He doesn't think it would do him any good. He comes close though when suddenly Robin turns from looking at the sky, looks directly at his face, and says, "Sometimes, you remind me of the stars."

Steve startles and comes up with an eloquent "Huh?"

Robin giggles softly. "It's the moles. Reminds me of the constellations. I sometimes want to connect them, see if they match."

Steve just stares, unsure of what to say. Feels captured by her. Can feel that familial love between them grow even more.

Robin reaches out. Carefully, delicately, as if Steve might stop her. She brushes against the moles across his face and lightly connects them. "Pretty."

It's just one word, but for a moment Steve believes it's true. It's only a second, but he thinks he might remember this moment forever.

"Thanks Rob." He whispers, afraid to break the moment.

Rob pauses for a second before continuing the journey back and forth on his face. It's if she can tell how fragile he is when she whispers back "No problem Dingus."

He doesn't believe it for very long, but it at least makes him more grateful for Robin.

———

Steve Harrington isn't sure he's ever felt beautiful.

Well, until he meets Eddie Munson.

It's small at first. From the second Eddie meets Steve, it's almost as if he can read every single thought that comes across his mind.

And when they become friends, after Vecna, after it all, it's as if Eddie can see completely through Steve.

Eddie notices when Steve gets uncomfortable with backhanded compliments on his looks. When Steve tenses in the slightest towards what the kids, customers, or even Nance are saying (he remembers a distinct can't believe another woman hasn't been fooled by the Harrington looks yet, from her). And at first, Eddie seems to just catch on and change the subject. Shifts the attention to himself instead.

Steve's grateful.

But then Eddie starts to correct people. Shape the compliments better, more suited to Steve. There is a girl trying to flirt with him in Family Video once when Eddie is visiting. Steve isn't super receptive to it and even shrinks away a bit when the girl—Sadie he thinks her name is—looks him up and down and says "Sorry I'm taking so long, just I can't help if you're so distracting. You look so good today Steve,"

It doesn't feel good, even though he wants it to. But then there is Eddie cutting Sadie off by saying, "It's the smile isn't it?"

Eddie looks directly at Steve, chin in his hands as he leans across the counter. There is a slight uptilt to his lips while ignores Sadie's confused "Huh?"

"Can't look away when you see a smile that bright."

Steve doesn't think too badly about himself for the rest of the day.

After that something shifts in Eddie too. The verbal comments don't become fewer, but the looks do become more frequent. It's these absolutely intoxicating looks, that shake Steve to his core.

Eddie's eyes trail him, whisper to him, fucking follow his every movement.

There is this one time when Steve throws his head back and laughs harder than has in his life when Robin trips into Nancy's lap. He is sure it really isn't that funny, and he knows he looks awful with the snorting and tears running down his face. But Eddie, Eddie's eyes just follow the line of Steve's neck, connect all of his moles with his gaze, and just beams at Steve.

For a moment, Steve feels gorgeous.

———

Even with these little things, Steve Harrington doesn't feel beautiful.

After everything with Vecna, what little he liked about himself is quite literally torn apart. The stares are mixed now. Some admire him, some look upon him in horror. He can't decide which feels worse. They both make him feel so distinctly other. Something to look at, something to hang on the wall and contemplate.

And moments like these ones, sitting in his backyard in broad daylight, in 90-degree weather for a pool party the kids begged him to have, he can't help but cover himself up. Hide away.

Eddie sits next to him in the lounge chair on his right with a distinct plop, shaking Steve from his spiral momentarily.

"You doing alright there big boy?" Eddie raises an eyebrow.

"Yea. I'm good man." Steve tries to shake off.

"Really? Cause like I know you and Rambo—" Eddie points at Nancy "—don't exactly go in the water anymore, but the least you can do is take your shirt off. It's hotter than Satan's ass out here, and that's a lot coming from me. Considering my reputation with knowing him personally and all."

Steve looks out at the backyard, at the kids in the water, at Robin trying hopelessly not to stare at Nancy, and he contemplates for a moment. He could lie to Eddie, but that didn't feel right. They had grown too close for that. He could tell him to shove off, and Steve knows that Eddie would, no questions asked. It doesn't feel right either. Because for once, Steve wants. Steve aches. So he turns to Eddie slowly and says "I don't want them to stare."

Steve doesn't specify who. He doesn't think he needs to. It's not really anyone really. Or maybe it's everyone.

Instead of telling him they won't stare, or he has nothing to be ashamed or that he's a hot piece of ass, Eddie says "Why don't you want them to?"

Steve feels like he's been hit by a truck.

He takes a sharp breath "I—I just feel—" He tilts his head back trying to hold back tears before looking at Eddie again "—It just makes me feel like a thing. Like something to observe. The scars, they are just awful. And I know yours are the same but it's just different. It fits you, not me. I'm not sure anything fits me really. And—and even if it's not the scars they stare cause they think I like it, like it's a compliment. But I don't believe it. It's not true. It never has been, even before the Upside Down. I'm just Steve. I'm just here and..." he trails off. Steve doesn't even think he is making any sense in the slightest. But then he sees Eddie's face through the tears, so serious and kind, and Steve sees that Eddie just gets it.

Without hesitation, Eddie stands up and grabs Steve's wrist lightly, and drags him up. "C'mon" is all he says before taking Steve inside.

Steve expects a speech, Eddie is famous for them, but instead all he does is pull him into the kitchen. "Let's make the kids lunch, yeah?"

So they do. For the next five minutes, they work in comfortable silence, preparing sandwiches. Steve's shoulder's relax, the tension begins to leave his body. He can feel Eddie's warmth at his side. Can hear Eddie start to hum the tune of "Everybody wants to Rule the World" next to him, even though Steve is certain Eddie hates Tears for Fears. And because Steve knows it's for him he can't help the smile that blooms across his face, dimples and all.

Suddenly, Eddie stops humming and takes Steve's face into his hands, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Steve's smile, albeit softer now, remains on his face when he asks, "What?"

Eddie leans in, a whisper away from his lips, and replies "Beautiful."

He then kisses Steve in the only way that can be described as devoted affection. It's warm and true. It's like coming home.

And Steve Harrington for the first time feels beautiful.

———

When time moves on, and Steve has bad days, where he feels like he's rotting from the inside out, he remembers this moment. He remembers when his boyfriend saw him covered in sweat, tears, and mayo, and can't help but kiss him for the first anyway.

He remembers Eddie can't see anything beyond Steve's smile and think that he was anything but beautiful.

———

Do I develop Steve's character more than necessary? yes. Will it ever stop me? no. Sorry I love a good character study. I need to do one for Eddie next.

Not much to say here except, like steve says this might not make a whole lot of sense, but it felt good to get out. Sometimes it's okay to want to be called pretty. It's not shallow or vain. It's good for the soul. Hope the pacing was okay. Llet me know what to write next <3

[knightinink]

Rough day…

[madamescarlette]

don't you love when you're like, okay now I'm going to leave this sorrow in the old year so I don't turn into a crotchety bitter person over it, and then you walk on feeling all refreshed and bright no longer carrying it on your shoulders, but then the sorrow wanders after you like a child who was lost in the supermarket weeping its eyes out and it says to you where did you GO I was lost! I was lost and I missed you!!! and you can only sigh and take it by its hand and say to it very well. here's your seat. I'm sorry I left you behind, I promise it was with the best of intentions, but I want to do my best by you, so let's sit together and try to figure out what you're saying to me.

[harrylovesspaezle]

hey guys! some characters do horrible things when they feel threatened or are in a bad mental state, and in a lot of cases it's very hard to apologize. not because they don't feel sorry, but because apologizing it makes the fact that you hurt people more real. its scary. characters don't always fix their shit, they don't always become angels. they don't need to, got it? people suck sometimes. and they still deserve respect and love and a chance to heal.

[kil9]

everyone agrees that the patriarchy teaches men to hide their emotions, and that this is a bad thing, so why is it that when men actually show an emotion everyone jumps to call him an abuser or manipulator or whatever :\

[thebirdandhersong]

me and Sisyphus marching up that hill again, him with his rock and me with my backpack full of sleep deprivation, the constant desire to have a little treat, and the emotional issues I didn't deal with last night but should've, otherwise I would've had a full night's rest and more energy to cope with today