RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT ME
PAIRING: PAST BARTYLUS, PRESENT JEGULUS
WORD COUNT: 2.6K
SUMMARY: After a breakup that leaves Barty unable to move on, his ex calls him up to share some news. (Angst!central)
(This is just based on Right Where You Left Me by Taylor Swift except it's Barty w dust collecting on his pinned up hair and Regulus with a wife (James) out there AND it's a little cringe so it's okay if you close your eyes. I did it because I'm in a mood™️ and I didn't know what to do about it.)
He likes to think that nothing’s changed about this place. He comes here almost every day anyway, so he’s more than sure that he would notice any changes, from new floor tiles right down to a new crack in the ceiling. No, everything’s the same. Pristine and preserved in its own dilapidated hole-in-the-wall way. That’s why he likes it so much. It's easier to pretend here.
A waitress in a black apron refills his coffee without a word before she tends to another table. She's new. She started at the beginning of the week, and she doesn't know him yet, but she will soon enough. All the people who work here do. Barty bounces his leg nervously and watches the steam rise from his cup as it dissipates slowly in furled clouds. He runs his thumb over the corner of the wooden table, the corner closest to the wall. He feels the rough etching under his fingertip.
‘B+R’
Two distinguished little letters, rough under Barty’s thumb. His old car keys were used to carve a place for him and Regulus. Edges that were once smooth, now jagged and worn, though no less prominent. This was their table. This place was always theirs, even if Barty was the only one who seemed to remember it.
Barty takes a long drink of his coffee, even though it’s still too hot. It stings on the way down and makes his eyes water. It’s bitter, it’s grounding.
“Hey, Barty.”
Barty can hardly stand to look at him, but he does anyway. A small uncertain smile and ridiculously curly hair. His green eyes glinting in the warm golden light.
He looks nervous and Barty’s mouth betrays him when he finds himself smiling back as Regulus slides into the booth across from him.
Even now he’s still trying to assure Regulus. Everything is okay, or it can be. He does his best to twist his smile into an arrogant smirk. Some expression of cool indifference, but Barty isn’t so sure it’s working.
They don’t say anything for a moment. The waitress floats by and offers Regulus water, tea, or coffee. He accepts the latter with his trademark quiet and stiff politeness. Remnants from his parents.
“This place hasn’t changed a bit,” Regulus remarks, taking a look around. “I haven’t been here in a while-"
Two years and seven months but who’s counting?
“-but it really is the same,” Regulus finishes and his eyes dart towards Barty’s right hand that was still resting on the carved outline of their initials. Instinctively, Barty pulled his hand into his lap as if the table carving had burned him. Regulus tries to catch Barty’s eye, but Barty turns to study the table in front of him. Chrome edges and red peeling plastic.
He's afraid that if he looks at Regulus for long enough he might say something stupid. His feeble heart is already too excited at being in close proximity to him again.
“This table’s seen a lot,” Regulus continues to try, his mouth downturned but his green eyes glimmer with memories. Barty knows he’s supposed to speak, he’s supposed to say something, anything, but he doesn’t trust his voice not to crack and waver just yet.
It was true, what Regulus said. This table had been witness to birthday celebrations, the birth of their friendship, anniversary lunches, teenage make-out sessions, epic fights, drunken nights out that turned into early mornings, the start and end of their relationship.
Regulus let out an awkward cough. It was now way past the acceptable amount of time for Barty to remain silent. He needed to say something, anything.
Thankfully, the new waitress came by with Regulus’ coffee, giving Barty a few seconds of respite under Regulus’ gaze. Regulus always had a knack for quiet study. Tender observation. He hardly spoke much because he didn’t have to, his eyes said it all, and right now, they were looking increasingly worried for Barty. He was scrambling to keep himself together, to hold up a semblance of a façade.
“You look good, Reg,” Barty said finally. It was the honest truth, but Barty’s voice was a little sharper and colder than he meant it to be. It was like he was making a dig at Regulus somehow without meaning to. He moved to grip the warm coffee cup in his hands, just to give them something to do. The heat was comforting. He was too nervous for his own good.
With Regulus here, sitting across from him over a cup of coffee, it might as well have been two years ago, or four. Even though he was nearly shaking, something about Regulus being here felt more right than things had in years.
“You look good too, Barty.”
Liar.
Barty could feel the dark circles under his eyes. The purple rings stood as a testament to his tormented sleep. He could see in his own eyes that he'd lost some magic Regulus took with him the day he left. He wasn't sure how to get it back.
“Evan says you’re well. Fancy job, nice place, all that.” This part was much quieter. Much softer.
After the breakup, Evan was Switzerland, but he tried to help each of them as best he knew how. He was desperate to instill a sense of peace after the chaos.
For Regulus, Evan helped by assuring him that Barty was doing okay. Constantly providing reassurance that Barty was fine, happy even. Moving onwards and upwards. That he definitely wasn’t still visiting the same diner and sitting in the same booth everyday waiting for Regulus to walk in again and sit across from him so they could pick up where they left off. He definitely wasn’t doing that. That would be absurd.
For Barty, this peace was achieved by ensuring he never heard the name Regulus Black uttered ever again.
Barty nodded slowly. “Yeah, I do alright for myself.”
That was an understatement. He didn’t know how to tell Regulus that it was all for him. The job, the interviews in the paper, the place he bought on the street they both loved. Everything was always done with Regulus at the forefront of his mind. Done so that Regulus might see and come back. A desperate cry to be remembered. Barty had a cat now, and he was responsible for keeping several plants alive. Regulus would be proud if he could see it all. Barty could be responsible. He could care for other things besides himself. He could grow up. He’d done this all for Regulus of course, but now that Regulus was here, in front of him again, he felt too pathetic to bring any of it up.
Barty didn’t have much in the aftermath of Regulus, but he could have what was left of his dignity if he tried.
“Listen,” Regulus began tapping his fingers methodically on the table. All around them people were eating. Silverware clashing and clattering around the quiet conversations and murmurs of the masses. The sound of eggs frying and the scent of maple syrup. It was late enough in the night that eating breakfast at this hour was more than acceptable. “I appreciate you agreeing to meet with me. I know that you didn’t want anything to do with me after things…ended between us.”
“After you ended things between us,” Barty quipped quickly.
Pathetic.
But it was the truth. Regulus was the one who walked away. Barty was just stating a fact.
Regulus closed his mouth quickly before he let out a heavy sigh through his nose. He had been thinking about this. Barty could tell.
“We wanted different things, Barty. I wanted to grow up. I wanted to start thinking about a serious career and getting a house and-“
Barty was doing his best not to squirm under Regulus’ stare.
“And you weren’t ready for that. You still wanted to go out every night, you quit jobs left and right, and you were fine crashing on other people's sofas. You were always seeking the next thrill, and that worked for you, but it didn’t work for me anymore. It’s no one’s fault, we just wanted different things,” Regulus finished, looking incredibly forlorn all of a sudden.
You could’ve waited. You could've given me time to want the things that you want. Because I’m here now. I want what you want. With you. I have a house now, and a serious career. All that’s missing is you.
Regulus ran one of his hands through his hair when Barty made no indication that he was going to speak.
“Actually, that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about,” Regulus began again. He was talking in that calm measured tone he reserved for his brother when he thought there would be an emotional outburst. His eyes were searching Barty’s face for any sign of emotion, any semblance of understanding. “Settling down.”
Barty wondered how completely ridiculous he would look if he placed both hands over his ears and refused to keep listening. How horrible would it be if he dumped his remaining hot coffee into Regulus' lap purposefully on accident? His mouth was dry and his heart hammered wildly.
This isn’t how it was supposed to go. Because when Regulus had called him up and asked him to talk, Barty had thought about how this moment would go every night in excruciating detail since that phone call. Regulus even let Barty pick the place to meet.
So yes, Barty already knew how this was supposed to play out. Regulus was supposed to come in here and talk about regrets and mistakes and trying again. He was supposed to cry a little and tell some jokes and maybe even plead. He was supposed to say that Evan told him how well Barty was doing and he was supposed to apologize for being wrong about him. He was supposed to come in here and be reminded by the booth in the back and the initials carved into the table that he and Barty were meant to be. And then Barty was supposed to put up a little fight first. He was supposed to pretend like he hadn’t thought about taking Regulus back every day since he left. Like he hadn’t been at this booth every day in a futile attempt to repeat the past. And then they were supposed to try again. But instead, Regulus was looking at him with his beautiful green sympathetic eyes. He was talking to him in that soft tone he reserved for wounded animals and scared children and upset brothers. He was settling down. And it very clear it wasn’t going to be with Barty. This isn’t how it was supposed to go at all.
“—think you’d really like him. James. In any case, I’m sure he’d like you. He’s annoying like that. He gets along with everyone. I think it's his laugh, or maybe his smile. In any case I-”
Barty had come back into focus in the middle of Regulus’ sentence. He had a skull-splitting headache all of a sudden and the pounding in his head was making it extremely difficult to concentrate.
“Why are you telling me this?” Barty’s voice sounded like it was coming out warped and distorted as if he had been plunged into a nightmare even though he couldn’t remember falling asleep.
Regulus' face, which had been so full of light and joy at the mere mention of James, suddenly became extremely serious. “I’m going to ask him to marry me, Barty.”
“Fuck you.” The words slipped out before Barty could stop them.
“Barty, just listen—“
Barty shook his head sharply, trying not to wince at the sharp pain in his temples. “No. No. We haven’t spoken in a long time, Regulus. You could’ve gone about your life and married fucking James and not called some ridiculous meeting about it. I would have preferred that even- never speaking to you again.”
Barty was trying infuriatingly hard to use his sharp tongue to cut Regulus to shreds. To make him bleed like Barty was bleeding. It was no use though, Barty’s tongue was a dull, heavy lead, ladened by shock.
“I just thought it was best for you to hear it from me,” Regulus said into the ensuing silence. “I didn’t want you to hear it from Evan or Pandora, and I owed you more than a phone call about it. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Barty sniffed. “It makes no difference to me what you do.”
Are you happy?
Do you miss me at all?
If I asked you not to marry him would you give us another chance?
Of course, he wouldn’t. Barty could tell by the brief mention of James’ name that Regulus was in love with him. The way saying James’ name made him blush just slightly, the way he would have to look down at his folded hands on the table to hide a tender smile. Barty was convinced he knew Regulus better than Regulus knew himself, and he certainly knew that look.
It wasn’t that long ago Barty was the reason for that look. It used to be his favorite color, the shade of pink Regulus’ cheeks would turn whenever he said Barty’s name. Whenever he made Barty laugh. The faintest color of dawn splashed across his cheekbones. The first flower in Spring.
But that color couldn’t be his anymore. That color belonged to James now. Regulus has given that brilliant pink over to him happily, and Barty hadn’t even noticed.
He was too busy sitting in this stupid diner while Regulus was busy moving on.
A different waitress came by with their bill. An older woman Barty and Regulus knew well. Her eyes sparkled as she returned their cards to them. “It is so lovely to see you two back at this table again. The place hasn’t been quite right without the both of you causing trouble back here.” She flashed them a toothy grin.
Regulus gave her a strained smile as Barty let out a sharp laugh at the irony. It cut through the room.
Finally. He needed his edge.
“Well,” Regulus began, moving to stand. “I’ll see you around.” He immediately and visibly cringed at that sentence and Barty couldn’t help but give him a lopsided smile, despite himself. He wanted to be angry, he was angry, but he also loved him. He always had. He probably always will.
“Yeah. You know where to find me,” Barty responded sarcastically.
Regulus arched an eyebrow in his direction. “Do I?”
Right where you left me.
For a moment it felt like they could be them again. Stupid back-and-forth banter, shaking hands from too much caffeine, eye rolls, crooked grins, and all.
But there was James. Regulus and James would get married. They’d have a house and a garden and James probably pretended to love Regulus’ atrocious cooking that Barty wouldn’t tolerate. They’d decorate for Christmas, travel the world, and adopt children. They wouldn’t fight— not like Barty and Regulus fought. Barty found it thrilling and passionate, and Regulus did too once until one day he woke up and suddenly found it all immature and pointless. Regulus would move forward and Barty would still be at the diner, stuck at their booth, hopelessly in love with Regulus Black.
And the sad thing was, Regulus wouldn’t think about any of these things at all. He would never come back to this diner or sit in this booth, or wish for past. He wouldn't know all the waitresses by name, or think about all the summer evenings spent with Barty by his side. He wouldn’t run his finger over their carved initials. He wouldn’t think about Barty at all.
Barty felt his semblance of a smile fall.
Regulus wouldn't know where to find Barty. Barty was in a part of the past Regulus couldn't get to. A place where Regulus didn't want to get to.
“No,” Barty shook his head. “No, I guess you don’t.”
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Taylor Swift Songs That Mention Cars That Are Totally About Phoebe and Silas - White Horse
say you're sorry, that face of an angel / comes out just when you need it to / as i paced back and forth all this time / 'cause i honestly believed in you
Because Phoebe and Silas are so close and have known each other for so long, Silas has likely picked up on the thing Phoebe does where she changes aspects of her personality based on who she's with, especially because I think she started to develop that a lot more during General Hong's trial, though it was definitely present while she was in London. Despite this, he probably still believes that he knows her, not just a facade that she's putting up. When Silas finds out about Phoebe being Priest, I think she's going to panic. Because I think a huge part of the reason that she changes her personality based on who she's with is her fear of losing people. And I think this is one of the bigger reasons she's trying so hard to keep her identity as Priest under wraps (I'm getting this from the end of the scene where Oliver and Celia break into Rosalind and Orion's apartment). Based on this, I think if Silas were to confront her about being Priest, she might panic and try to tell him what he wants to hear. And I think Silas would likely pick up on this if she were to do that and start to wonder how much she has been lying to him.
stupid girl, i should've known, i should've known
I think Silas will blame himself for not realizing that Phoebe is Priest quite a bit. I think he'll feel ridiculous for ever thinking that he ever really knew her beyond the front that she's putting up. He's going to feel really used. He let her know crucial details about his assignments all while likely picking up on a lot of stuff she was clearly hiding from him (ex: the gun in tpats). Not going to be a great time for him.
that i'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
In this song, Taylor Swift alludes to common fairytale characters and tropes to contrast the way she naively idolized her idea of a romantic relationship with the actuality of how one ended. This connects with the way that Silas has idolized Phoebe and ignored her faults, seeing her as more of an idea than a person and how that view of her will be shattered when he finds out that she's Priest.
now it's too late for you and your white horse / to come around
In the alternate reality dimension where Phoebe and Silas don't end up together, this is Silas saying that Phoebe has irreparably broken his trust, and it's too late for her to try and fix what she's done.
maybe i was naive, got lost in your eyes / and never really had a chance / well, my mistake, i didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand
Again, Silas is likely going to naive and used when he realizes that Phoebe is Priest. I think he's going to doubt that their relationship was ever anything more than her manipulating him.
i had so many dreams about you and me / happy endings, now i know
Silas has loved Phoebe since they were very young. (I think that Phoebe has loved him since they were very young as well but has a harder time admitting it to herself for a number of reasons.) I think he could come to the conclusions that his dreams were unrealistic, ridiculous, and naive, at least for a little bit in FHH. We know they will get their happy ending, but I don't think it's going to be the ideal perfect relationship with zero problems that has been in Silas's head for years. I think he's going to start to see a more complete picture of Phoebe, including her faults, and love her more for it. And I think this is going to help him learn to stand on his own more. And be a more complete person, regardless of whether Phoebe is there or not. And I think their ending will be much happier for it.
and there you are on your knees / beggin' for forgiveness, beggin' for me / just like i always wanted / but i'm so sorry / 'cause i'm not your princess, this ain't our fairytale
Okay. So on the tiny chance that we are right about the potential "we have never been real" "we were to me" scene parallel, this would likely be the first time Phoebe has ever come anywhere close to directly admitting her feelings for Silas to him. And I think that if this scene were to happen and I am right about Silas's reaction to Phoebe being Priest and how that could potentially change his perception of her, I think that her finally admitting her feelings to him in this context could make him think that even if what she's saying is true, it means very little for her to be saying it to stop him from leaving. And he is no longer willing to blindly believe her and go along with whatever she's saying just for the hope of being included.
i'm gonna find someone someday / who might actually treat me well
Okay hear me out. It would be funny. Obviously painful to read. But funny. If Silas rebounded for 0.0000567896 seconds in FHH. And had a little bejeweled era. Because I support pettiness. And with the multiple povs the whiplash you would get from jumping from Alisa and Roma reuniting or something to Silas rebounding would be absolutely insane and very funny. I do not think this is actually going to happen at all. However, I don't have direct evidence that it won't happen, and I think it would be funny. But painful.
this is a big world, that was a small town / there in my rear-view mirror disappearing now
Obviously Shanghai is not a small town. But this is the obligatory car line. It is also representative of outgrowing childhood and experiencing the complexities of the real world, which often don't line up with the perfect idolized scenarios you come up with when you don't know better.
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