#sorry I just had this absolutely terrible mental image that I’m obsessed with

[evilvampire]

Star Trek’s whole Pon’thaar thing or however you spell it is wild to me because it implies that Vulcans don’t know about masturbation

[rockingrobin69]

What would it take

For @drarrymicrofic’s prompt, savior complex. CW: mentions of death.

God, Hermione was right. Harry’s jaw was so tight in the grimace, his head was starting to ache.

“Oh, I’m sorry, was I supposed to be impressed by that?”

Malfoy’s eyes narrowed, cold and detached. Harry, obviously, flustered. “Yeah, I guess you were? I did just fight a dragon to save you, you know?”

“Right. A dragon. Such as the creature you fought in fourth year, on a broomstick, for a prize.” Malfoy had a way of saying these things – what other people considered as, Harry didn’t know, accomplishments or something? – like they were nothing. “Forgive me if I don’t fall at your feet for that, oh mighty hero.”

That wasn’t fair, because that’s not what Harry asked for at all. It wasn’t what he wanted, either, he didn’t think. Although the thought of Malfoy on his knees was interesting to several parts of him. No – “Listen, you prat, there’s no time for any of this. We need to find a way to release the shackles – “

“Yes, of course, Potter didn’t have enough of the heroics. Will you whisk me away now like a damsel in distress? Will you carry me in your big, strong arms?”

Harry balked. “What –“ the mental image was disturbing, the tone even more so. He was actually feeling his self-control slipping away piece by piece. “What’s your fucking deal, Malfoy? Do you want us to die here? Did you intend to end up marooned on an island, guarded by hell’s most exciting creatures and off to be sold to the king of the underworld?”

“I –“ Malfoy’s eyes narrowed even further, which should have been impossible. “You absolute imbecile – “

“Oh, god.” The ground swerved for a moment, then Harry realized he somehow ended nearly flat on it. “You did. You planned this.”

“Quiet,” Malfoy hissed, casting worried glances around him. “Do you want the entire island to hear? Listen, Potter. This is – you won’t understand. But you need to leave before – “

“Why? This is perfect. I always thought it’d end like this, you know.”

Malfoy awarded the snark with a furious look. “It’s not my fault you decided to crash into my plans like the fucking savior to try to rescue me. Why would I – you have only yourself to blame for this. Now, and for the love of all the gods, leave.”

“And let you – let you – what the fuck do you hope to achieve, exactly?”

“Nothing that concerns you.”

Harry scoffed. Hard. “When was the last time you did something that didn’t concern me?”

The flush stood out on Malfoy’s pale cheeks. “Believe it or not, Potter, but not everything’s actually about you.”

The ground was warm, calming, and Harry was so lost he just thought about that for a second. Malfoy planned this. The papers in his study; he’s been researching it for months. He wanted to be brought to the mouth of hell for some reason. He wanted – the gasp was unintentional, and so was looking up; the sun was harsh so close to the equator. Harry blinked hot tears as he cried, hoarsely, “You can’t be serious. You’re not trying to get her – Malfoy, tell me you aren’t.”

The way he insisted not to look back was suspect. “Shut it, Potter.” Another bad sign.

“Malfoy…” Harry pushed back up with some difficulty. There was something sharp and painful in his chest that he really didn’t care to unpack. “You can’t. You know why. I know how much it hurts – trust me, I know. But there’s a reason why necromancy is forbidden, and this is no better solution. Tampering with death – please believe me. It won’t make you happy.”

“It’s not about my happiness,” Malfoy snarled. “It’s about what she – you really don’t get it. I’m not going to try and resurrect her. I’m going to trade.”

“Trade?” Harry’s head ached something terrible. He ran his fingers over where the dragon singed his sleeve.

“Indeed. Now, before anyone – “

“Trade?” the meaning of the word just kicked Harry in the face full force. “Are you out of your fucking mind?”

“I must be, if I’m talking to you.” Malfoy sounded sullen. As though he had any right to be sullen when he was thinking about doing this. His hands kept toying with the shackles as though in a nervous tick. Harry felt like fainting, and like hitting him, and a little like throwing up as well.

“You…“ he didn’t know what to say anymore, so he just lifted his wand. Malfoy’s eyes went cartoonishly big.

“Potter, no – “

Fighting Malfoy would be worse than fighting a dragon; he was far more daunting an opponent. But Harry had to do this, had to save him. He cast the spell, huffed a sigh, and readied himself for the oncoming battle. Hermione was right. He really should have this savior-complex thing he has checked. Also, and it might be high time to finally admit it - there was a slight chance he might be, could be, possibly was a little bit obsessed.  

[arnold-layne]

I'd like to know about dark Vinikki

why am i not even surprised. not in a slightest. y’all sick fuckos like me and ily.

putting the answer under the cut so that no one on this hellsite wouldn’t accidentally become offended. for those not okay with violence, rape and mental illness issues in pairings, please do not read. those who do read, prepare for a looong rant

okay, so

the idea of dark vinikki, of dark!nikki in particular, came to me after i’ve read heroin diaries and some fics in russian motley fandom (which is just as wicked as my fics are, tbh). y’all probably have read the heroin diaries too and know that it’s literally the diary of a madman, a book that changes you perceptions of drug addiction and mental instability. at least that’s what it was for me. i was shook and for a few days couldn’t think of anything else. after that a new image of nikki started forming in my mind. 

dark nikki is the version of nikki where his mental issues took over his conceptions of good and bad, his wants and needs came before his respect for other people, and his hopes and dreams all destroyed by his addiction. he is going to die soon, he knows that and in time remaining he wants to get the most of the life, including his sickest dreams and desires. he’s terribly lonely, but he doesn’t want to get attached to people. he wants someone to love him, but doesn’t want to actually invest in relationships. he’s paranoid and suspicious of everyone around him talking shit about him and plotting aganst him, but doesn’t try to work on his own bad treatment of other people. his desire to control everyone and everything has always been his problem, but now he doesn’t even try to suppress this flaw. he’s a lost soul, he’s afraid to die, but he doesn’t want to show his weakness and doesn’t try to seek help because mistakenly believes that everything is under his control. he tries to persuade himself that it’s the life he wanted, but he knows it’s not true, and it devastates him, making his character even more terrible. all in all, he’s turned into the worst version of himself.

and since we’re talking about vinikki, GUESS WHO HAS TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS SHIT

vince is not the best human alive too, and we all know that. he either stays with nikki only in fear that if he leaves, nikki will absolutely go insane (and, well, he’s not wrong), or he doesn’t and nikki actually goes insane. i’m going to talk about these two versions because things are going differently in them.

in first case there is supposed to be previous relationship between these two, when nikki still was mostly normal and fine guy. things changed, and vince is sure nikki’s not the one he fell in love with anymore (yeah sorry for the cliche), but he is too afraid to leave. the band is on the rise, vince got used to luxurious life, numerous girls and coke and he knows that it’ll all go away if nikki kicks him out, and he could actually go to jail for his crime because he wouldn’t be the famous rockstar anymore. in addition, he is afraid that nikki will do everything in his power to either make him come back or destroy his life so that vince would regret their break-up himself. there may be also pity for nikki and his situation, because, well, vince used to love this man back in the day, but it’s not his main motive to stay. this way, it’s bad for vince because he’s forced to stay with the person he’s afraid of, and even pretend to love and accept him, and it’s bad for nikki because he’s not fucking blind or stupid and sees that.

in second case, there usually (well, for me) wasn’t any previous relationship, and here goes good old and unhealthy as fuck ust from nikki’s side. this is actually my favourite version, because it involves a lot of conflict and struggling for both of them, and i’ll kill willingly for a good heartbreaking angst. nikki probably had been obsessing over vince before, but after his change this obsession becomes an incredibly strong desire to possess, physically and mentally. vince either doesn’t know about it at all (remember that nikki, especially addicted nikki, used to be a very good actor), or he knows and doesn’t do anything because he is  afraid it’ll ruin the band or simply isn’t attracted to men in any way. well, shit happens, we can’t blame him for it. in such situation, after nikki’s change happens, he becomes determined to get vince in any way, including rape and violence. he’s never experiences for real how it is to really love another person and he mistakenly supposes that love means control, i.e. that if he forces vince to be with him, vince’ll eventually fall for him too. there’s one proverb in russian that talks just about that, and in rough translation it goes like “you can’t force someone to love you”, and that’s exactly what happens in this case. 

there’s also the third case, which i worked out quite recently in my latest fic (linking in a desperate attempt to get some feedback, just in case there’s anyone who knows russian). in it both nikki and vince stay together consensually, but it’s because their relationship is so deeply flawed they understand no one else will put up with them. vince’s unhealthy desire to manipulate and make nikki jealous ties in with nikki’s unhealthy anger outbursts and control obsession, and they both make each other suffer because of that, but they stick to each other anyway because at the same time they give each other that unhealthy thing the other wants.

that’s all

@prettyboysixx1974, @pillsock, @ashesforashes, ask and you shall receive

[monotype-on-phantom]

Do you think Kindred Spirits should've been the season 1 finale? Bitter Reunions, Shades of Gray and Maternal Instict are all set up to Kindred Spirits. Having the episode just be part of season 2 makes no sense. Especially since in season 2 Vlad doesn't really seem to care about having Danny as a son anymore. (That being said The Million Dollar Ghost should've been an Season 2 episode)

I absolutely do not think that, no. Sorry, but there are a number of reasons I think that would’ve been a terrible season 1 finale. Do those episodes contain some setup for Kindred Spirits? Yes, but moving the payoff for that to as early as the season 1 finale would’ve been hella rushed.

For one thing, Valerie’s character already gets the short end of the stick. Shades of Grey and Life Lessons are the only episodes in season 1 that dedicate any time to her at all. I’m not talking about solely episodes that focused on her. These are the only episodes that feature her at all aside from the time she spent as a background character before Shades of Grey. Valerie needs more attention prior to Kindred Spirits because a) that increases the emotional impact of the revelation that Valerie was being used to monitor Danny and b) she is extremely relevant in literally Danielle’s only other episode.

I will begrudgingly admit, Valerie’s kind of a minor point here, but I’m starting with her because she’s one of the characters who would suffer the least for this change.

You could make the argument that moving Kindred Spirits would do something for the plot, but it would destroy Danny as a character. Kindred Spirits taking place that early would see us missing such important development episodes for Danny as: Pirate Radio, Reign Storm, The Ultimate Enemy, Secret Weapons, Flirting With Disaster, and Masters of All Time. Season 1 Danny is still public enemy #1. He hasn’t worked out a lot of his self-loathing or character flaws. He’s still not that great at controlling his powers (and he doesn’t have the ghostly wail, which makes a significant appearance in Kindred Spirits). He hasn’t had the opportunity to mend his familial relationships. He’s met only two ghosts that weren’t enemies (one of which was a very minor character and the other started as an enemy).

While I love Danny, his development in season 1 wouldn’t have left him with much reason to give a single solitary shit about Danielle. He still sees basically all ghosts as evil. He hasn’t had his values challenged much. He’s still more of a fight first talk later kind of kid. Valerie was willing to let Danielle die at first because she was part ghost, and it took Danny some pushing to get her to realize she’d be helping to kill a human girl as well. For Danny, who grew up having it drilled into his head that all ghosts are evil, it’s easy to see why he’d have a similar mentality. He doesn’t even value himself all that much.

Kindred Spirits is originally toward the end of season 2. By then, Danny’s seen how complex ghosts can be. He’s seen that morality isn’t black and white. He’s seen himself go off the deep end. He’s seen Vlad could be redeemed. He’s managed to make friends out of enemies. He’s even fought alongside some of this greatest enemies. He’s grown a lot, and his ability to see Danielle as a person and even accept her as family is a great way to showcase that.

Now let’s talk about Vlad. If we go with your idea of moving Kindred Spirits to the end of season 1 and The Million Dollar Ghost into season 2, that gives us exactly two episodes before Kindred Spirits where Vlad is the main antagonist. People often cite Kindred Spirits as Vlad’s Moral Event Horizon, which I completely agree with. He plans to kill Danny, experiments on and clones him, treats Danielle as a pawn even though she truly loved him as her father, and falls so far into his delusions that he’s essentially replacing Maddie with a hologram and Danny with a clone.

That wouldn’t have any impact if the only episodes we’d spent with him before that were two where his obsession with Maddie is the entire focus of his character. The Million Dollar Ghost needs to be before Kindred Spirits because in this instance, he’s still trying to turn Danny against Jack. He hasn’t given up on making him his son yet. Reign Storm is important because it shows just how manipulative Vlad can be and hints at his greater plans, and it even shows Vlad helping Danny and saving his life. While I have my issues with The Ultimate Enemy, that episode is crucial because it shows that Vlad isn’t completely irredeemable. In a sense, having Kindred Spirits take place after The Ultimate Enemy is a good way of showing contrast. The only way Vlad can be good is if Danny isn’t, and vice versa. It’s also significant to have Vlad’s Moral Event Horizon take place after we’ve seen a world where Vlad was able to realize his mistakes.

I’m also going to throw Secret Weapons in here as an important episode, because that could easily be the last straw for him. Jazz isn’t as important to Vlad as Danny and Maddie, but she’s still Maddie’s child. He was overjoyed at the idea that Jazz abandoned Jack for him, and was willing to adopt her on the spot. Once even Jazz has rejected him and called him a fruit loop to his face, going to such drastic lengths as cloning Danny seems logical for Vlad, especially since we’ve spent so much time getting to know him.

Throwing Danielle in there so early would’ve also been a mistake, unless you planned to rewrite the entire rest of the show so that it included her.

Personally, I would’ve made Reign Storm the season 1 finale. To begin with, it’s the first two part episode, so it’s got the right feel for a season finale. It has the greatest stakes out of any episode up until that point. It’s got almost all the characters from past episodes returning to play at least a small part in the story. It gives significant development to multiple important characters.

Most importantly, it follows up on so much more than just Vlad’s obsession with Danny and experiments. It continues Valerie’s story arc. It gives Vlad more development and shows that there’s more going on with him than just being a creep. It addresses the development Danny, Jazz, Sam, and Tucker have gone through up to that point. The inclusion of Jazz is especially significant.

It’s also the episode where Danny is publicly acknowledged as a hero. His status as public enemy #1 was far more significant in the first season than Vlad was, especially if you only included two episodes in that season where Vlad was the main antagonist. Even when it’s not the main focus, Danny’s bad reputation is addressed in several episodes. I could easily argue that nearly half the episodes of season 1 are at least partially about that.

For my part, I’d much rather have Kindred Spirits show up late in the timeline, when other things have been resolved and the characters have been given enough time for it to pack a punch.

Besides, after episodes like Lucky in Love, Teacher of the Year, and friggin’ Attack of the Killer Garage Sale, Kindred Spirits would’ve felt like a really weird sudden shift in tone. It could be worse, of course. The Ultimate Enemy would’ve made a much more garbage season finale in this respect, but Reign Storm has a good enough balance of fun and intense while not having too much there that can genuinely disturb someone. The image of the melty clone’s eye falling out and dissolving on the floor might be too intense for this early in the show.

You’re more than welcome to disagree, but I can’t see any real benefit to making Kindred Spirits the season 1 finale.

Also, I apologize for the lack of images in this post. I didn’t really have the energy to go get a bunch from all over the course of two seasons.

[poppyknitt]

Baby Steps (A JSE egos fanfiction + smol easter egg)

(Please note that this fanfiction is a slight deviation from the main storyline of my current line of fanfictions, and is still just as important, but also will not be totally necessary to read if all you wanna do is read the main story)

(Also, if you are triggered by even just the mental image of things like extremely loud noises, slight psychosis, and other things that can surface when dealing with post-coma brain issues and also Darkiplier type demons at the same time, I suggest not reading past the dog park scene. It gets real bad after that. Especially because i wrote this at fucking 10-11PM like an idiot.)

Seán sat on a bench in a dog park, his memories still blurred together. His doctor had recommended he get a dog or something to help ease the stress of not being able to remember anything from before he slipped into a coma, but honestly he felt like he didn’t have the time for it, so he just took daily trips down to the dog park, and hope that he was lucky enough to be able to pet one of the dogs there.

A few hours passed, and wouldn’t you know it, there’s the one and only Mark, who’s visiting for a few days, because he’s on tour.

“Oh! Hey buddy!” Mark yelled, and jogged over.

“Hey Mark.” Seán said. He would have to get used to being called “Jack” whenever he was with his youtube buddies, for whatever weird reason. He didn’t really understand why people didn’t just call him by his name now, since everyone already knows it.

“What’s going on pal? I heard about the coma thing. How long have you been back in it?” Mark was already bombarding him with questions.

“Agh, slow down! My head’s still getting used to the real world..” He said, gripping his head as another migraine started setting in.

“Oh, jeez-! God, I’m sorry, Jack. I forgot about the brain stuff that comes with comas... Man, if I knew you were haning out in dog parks, I would’a brought Chica with me!” Mark said, laughing at the last part.

“Ah, jeez... Who was Chica again..? Wasn’t that a yellow bird in a horror game..?” Seán trailed off.

“Well, yeah, kinda, but Chica’s the name of my golden retriever!” Mark replied.

“Oh! Yeah, right! I remember now! Aw, man, I miss ‘er! She looked so cute the last time I saw her!” He grinned.

“Anyways, since I’m here, wanna do a collab? Maybe stream a few things together? I dunno. Just.. Do something fun, I guess.” Mark suggested.

“Heh, yeah, maybe later though. I need to get home and take some painkillers or something.” Seán said.

“Oh. Well, alright then! See ya later, nerd!” Mark waved happily as Seán slowly walked off, and then muttered under his breath once his friend was out of earshot, “Ha. Painkillers. Fucking wuss.”(because this is actor! Mark. Not real Mark.)

Seán sighed to himself as he got into his car and drove home. God, missing out on a little over nine months of his life... What all even happened while he was out...? And why did everyone change..? Mark’s being weird and aloof, Henrik won’t tell him anything, Robin’s being quiet all of a sudden... God, he wished he knew what was happening. He arrived at his place, and went inside, shutting the door behind him. Jeez... maybe he should get a dog.

~~~~

Mark paced impatiently in front of his computer, waiting for Seán to call, “God damn it, where is he?!”

“Mark, don’t be a dick.” Amy huffed in annoyance.

“Well I’m sorry that I’ve been waiting for almost a whole day to do a collab with Jack, and he hasn’t even bothered to respond yet!” Mark said in his weird sassy voice.

——

Seán Jack woke up, and immediately felt a strange sense of dread in the back of his mind, which was abnormal, because this was his house, and if anything, he should be the one igniting fear into the hearts of anyone who tries to break in. He shrugged it off, and got up, looking at his computer instinctively.

“Oh, fuck! I forgot about the collab. Shit! Mark’s gonna be pissed!” He yelped, and immediately prepared himself for a collab video or two. When he was done, he hurried into his recording studio, and began the collab.

Mark joined the collab while Jack was still fumbling around in search of his headphones.

“Looking for these?” A sinister voice voice, much like Mark’s, echoed from the computer, sending chills down his spine. He slowly turned to see...

His headphones on his keyboard.

“Oh, there they are. Hey Maaaarrrrrkkkkkk- AH HOLY FUCK WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!” Jack screamed, jumping back from the monitor when he noticed it wasn’t Mark talking to him, but rather, his dark ego, Dark, so naturally, he played it “cool”, “Oh! Hahahaha! I-I see! You’re just fucking with me, aren’t ya, Mark? Yeah! I know your tricks! You can’t fool me!”

“Oh, I can assure you, this is not computer effects. I am very, very real, Jack.” The voice echoed throughout the apartment.

“What do you want from me?!” Jack exclaimed. The lights in his house all bursted, and Jack screamed, covering his head, as his ears began to ring, “Ahhhh! Why?! Why now?! God! No! This is a terrible time! I haven’t even taken any medications!”

“Jack! Jesus fucking christ! Where the hell are you?! Why are you screaming?!” Mark yelled, which, strangely enough, was comforting to hear.

“Mark! Oh thank fucking Christ! Dude! Your dark ego dude just fucking assaulted my house!” Jack yelled.

“What?! Dark ego? What the hell are you talking about? Wait, don’t tell me you believe the bullshit the community’s telling us!” Mark growled.

“I didn’t! I swear! But that fucking bastard just tapped into our conversation! He-He took over my computer! Please, Mark! For the love of god, I’m not crazy-!” Jack got cut off by his house’s alarms all going off, which caused his ears to ring again, his head’s pain to get worse, as he immediately started repeating “ow” and “oh fuck, oh god, oh no” over and over, as he started growing dizzy. Reality and fiction began to blurr as his pain only worsened, and soon he couldn’t tell what was in his head and what was actually happening, as he slowly fell to the ground.

The last thing he heard before passing out was Mark yell, “Amy! Call the fucking ambulance! Jack’s gone nuts or some shit and his house sounds like it’s gonna fucking explode!”

~~~~

Jack woke up on his way to the hospital, and jolted up, his whole mind filling with absolute terror as he recalled the previous events. Lights flashing. His computer screen was glitching the hell out. Alarms blaring. Mark screaming in either panic or anger. Worst of all, however, was that the last thing he could recall seeing was Dark looming over him as he lay on the ground, clutching his head in pain and screaming his ass off as his brain knocked itself out over all the noise and pandemonium that seiged his nerves and made it feel like his head was about to explode. As he realized he was now in a hospital room, he noted that he could also hear the distant sound of Henrik’s distressed voice as he snapped back to reality.

“Seán! Seán, you idiot! Vake zhe hell up! Vhat zhe hell happened?! Why are you back like zhis?!” Henrik bombarded him with questions.

“I-I don’t know! I-I was gonna do a-a collab with Mark but then that Darkiplier dude that tumblr obsesses over appeared on my screen and talked to me and all the lightbulbs exploded so my head was hurting and something happened, Mark was yelling at me, and then all my alarms went off and I-I blacked out but like just before I did, the Darkiplier dude appeared in my apartment?! I-I don’t know! Nothing makes sense! I-It’s all so blurry!” Jack rushed through his words in a blind panic, but that didn’t matter, because as soon as Henrik heard the word “Darkiplier”, he ran the fuck out.

Jack heard him screaming at Mark in the other room.

“Vhat zhe hell is vrong vith you, you idiot?! I zhought I said to not try to speak vith him until zhis all blows ovah!” Henrik yelled.

“I didn’t think you were fucking serious! I didn’t even know the asshole would attack Jack! I thought it would be fine!” Mark yelled back.

“Notzhing is evah fine vhen you are involved, Mark! Not anymore! You zhink you are helping vith your videos, but you are only making zhis situation vorse for zhose of us vhom have to be stuck in zhe damn crossfires of you and your stupid little var vith your stupid little dark egos! At least ve have zhe fucking decency to keep away from ozher youtubers vhen Anti attacks us! Zhose two are not vhat you zhink! Zhey have much more power zhan you can even imagine, and vhat do you do? You release them into zhe fucking vorld by recklessly involving ozher people in your stuff! Just fucking vait! You should be more worried about your stupid friends zhan keeping your channel relevant!” Henrik ranted.

“Alright! Alright! I get it! You think this is my fault! Fine! I’ll take the fucking blame then!” Mark yelled back.

“Don’t you get a fucking attitude wizh me, you bastard! Oh, I am so going have a vord vith zhe ozhers about zhis! And believe me, Mark! Zhis vill not happen again!”

Jack sighed, and closed his eyes, resting his head against the pillow. He didn’t understand anything they were discussing anymore.

~~~~

Jack opened his eyes, and froze. The world was glitching between normal colors and monotonous colors, like it had been when he fainted. He immediately shut his eyes, not wanting to deal with this again.

Why? Why him?! What the hell did he do?! He just wanted to hang out with his friend! Get back some of the time he lost while he was in comatose! Not this!

“Jack! Jack! I know you’re awake, you clueless bastard!” Mark said, and Jack opened his eyes to find the room was normal again.

... Oh god... What kind of demon did he unleash upon the world this time..?

[Sean #1/Darkilplier Prologue pt. 1]

Henrik #1

Marvin #1

JBM #1

Chase #1/Darkiplier Prologue pt. 2

JJ & Robbie #1

Anti #1

Sean #2

@antis-loyal-puppet

[redorblue]

The Terranauts, by T. C. Boyle

There’s this one thing that I always found incredibly annoying about English books, and that German books thankfully don’t have (yet). I hate the bunch of review snippets all over the cover so. much. It screws up the cover design, it can get pretty crowded if the publishing house was really proud of this book, and it tells you absolutely nothing. Same thing on the backside: I’ve seen books that have three lines of quote from inside the book, and six quotes from reviews gushing about it. How is that supposed to help me, or make me buy it? Last time I looked, most people still buy books because they think the story or the setup is intriguing, or because they like the author, not because Person X, Author of YZA, said it’s a “triumph of the imagination”. German books don’t do that. German books have the author and the name of the book on the cover, nicely integrated into the cover art, and a synopsis and maybe a short quote on the back. Orderly. Informative. Very German, probably.

But I digress. The reason I got into this was my most recent read, The Terranauts, and not only did I find it terrible, I also have no idea which book those reviewers from the Guardian, the Times etc. read - I find it hard to believe it was the same I did. So let’s try something else and use those incredibly unhelpful literary critics to structure what I did not like about this book.

1. “Excruciatingly funny” - Times Literary Supplement

This one is the easiest: I have no idea what they are talking about. If this book was so funny, it wouldn’t have been too much to expect to laugh at least once, right? Well, I didn’t. I also didn’t chuckle, snort, giggle, smile or even lift one corner of my mouth in amusement. Because in my not so humble opinion, this book is not funny. Unless I’m supposed to laugh about this one guy lusting after whichever woman has the longest legs in the room, about this woman who falls for him nonetheless and keeps lying to herself about his shittiness, or her so-called “best friend” who takes a trip to Mexico and promptly gets diarrhea. Yeah, very funny. Not everybody has the same sense of humour and all that, but I think someone who can laugh about such things has a rather questionable one.

2. “Lord of the Flies meets Hunger Games” -  The Times

With this one I at least get why they came to that conclusion. The story is the fictional continuation of a real-life experiment conducted some time in the 90s where eight people - four men, four women - were locked into a glass dome with a self-sustaining ecosystem inside, and basically told to see how many were still walking after two years. The first, real group broke closure (= was interrupted) after a few months because of a medical emergency, which is why the fictional second group is all the more fanatic determined to not open the airlock for the full two years, whatever happens. While they’re in there farming and supposedly conducting scientific experiments (although you never learn what it is exactly they’re testing, so if you want hard science, stay away), they get media coverage from all over the US (about what, one might ask... Must have been one hell of a silly season to send reports about people milking goats... Checking humidity... catching fish... Unheard of, right?).

So yeah, I can see where that one came from: a bunch of people locked in together at close quarters, becoming increasingly hateful towards each other = Lord of the Flies. Doing it all for the media coverage, completely with donations and the participants as celebrities and merchandise = The Hunger Games. Never mind that neither the characters from Lord of the Flies nor the candidates in the Hunger Games were there willingly, whereas in this book going under the glass with seven people you already can’t stand before you even go in, slowly starving yourself, slowly asphyxiating in the winter months, without pay or plan what to do afterwards, is somehow presented as being incredibly desirable (Really, the only lucid part this book has is when the characters call this enterprise a cult, or deny it being a cult - hey, at least they said the word, and self-denial is a serious Thing among all the characters). But okay, if you say so. The thing is, in my opinions it falls short in both comparisons.

I have to admit, I’ve never read Lord of the Flies, only watched the movie, and you shouldn’t judge a book by its adaptation. But I remember that (besides the survival part) it’s about group dynamics, how groups organize under pressure, how new leaders establish new orders, and the violence that ensues. Now I’m definitely not one of those people who need a body count to enjoy a book, but this one, I have to admit, was too... tame? for me to be credible. The highest tensions ever rose was a fistfight between two characters after almost two years of being locked in, when they were half starved already and there was barely any oxygen left in the air. Sure, the rest of the time they were constantly badmouthing each other, and venomous when they had to talk about something - but really, that’s your climax, your crisis? I already mentioned that most of the crew members didn’t like each other to begin with, and of course that didn’t get better over the course of the book, but it feels a bit lame to have your characters constantly emphasize how much they hate each other (and one even threatening to kill anyone who jeopardizes the mission! Talk about a Chekov’s gun that just... never went off I guess?), and then presenting a few punches as The Worst It Can Get. Let alone not resolving anything after they finally get out. Most of the crew just disappear into thin air, which is fitting because they weren’t much more than thin air with a name tag during the entire book, and the POVs just... get on with their lives I guess. The ending really feels a bit like the author just ran out of pages, and not in the good, open-ending kind of way. There is no resolution, no discernible character arc, no epiphany, nothing. It just ends. So take this as a vivid example of how structuring does NOT work.

As for the comparison with The Hunger Games... First of all, there’s the same problem of being too tame. The Hunger Games works partly (!!) because it’s suspenseful, what with fighting and hunting and figuring stuff out and action scenes in general. The Terranauts doesn’t have anything of the sort: no secret plots to unveil, no rivals to kill (and the moral dilemma that comes with it), very little, very drawn out struggle for survival... Again, I don’t need any of this to like a book, I can do without action, but it’s the Times that made the comparison, and I’m sorry but I think The Terranauts falls short. By a mile or so. Another thing that made The Hunger Games so interesting is the role the media plays: How the games are basically just entertainment for the rich, how public images are constructed and why, how public opinion and public sentiment is influenced etc. The Hunger Games were honest about how it’s all “just” for show. The Terranauts, however, tried to keep up its pretense of being oh so scientific, while the only thing that ever gets any screentime is not experiments or hard facts, but photo ops and interviews and presentations. Which would be fine if the book ever properly dealt with the fact that it was all just a huge media stunt. But it doesn’t, it never talks about the implications of the experiment being a big, expensive reality show, it never grants its characters a moment of epiphany or a personal crisis with regards to their sacrifices not being for science and the survival of the human race, but for money and money alone. The closest the characters ever get to realizing this and instrumentalizing it is when some of them threaten the CEO to talk to the press, but none of them ever go through with it (and there’s no reason why they wouldn’t besides this ominous cult mentality thing, because some of them have been treated really badly). Not even the crew member whose responsibility is PR management ever really tries to create a public image of himself that he can use to get what he wants and influence public opinion to the disadvantage of disliked crew mates or some such. It all feels very half-baked, and that from an author who’s famous for writing real adult novels. Talk about how naive and shallow YA novels are.

3. “Heartbreakingly human” - The Guardian

God... I hope not. I think not. If this set of characters is supposed to provide us with a sample of human experiences and emotions, then it’s really time to pack my bags and go be a hermit somewhere. Also, everyone is white, with the exception of one Asian person, who coincidentally is also the only woman who is consistently described as being fat and plain and kinky-haired (fat and kinky-haired being used as decidedly denigrating terms here - god this book has so many issues). And a terrible person, but that’s true for everyone. There are two minor characters who seem to be alright, the crew physician and the crew leader, but every non-POV character is basically just walking cardboard with maybe one or two traits each (for some reason I absolutely can’t fathom, bitchy, scheming and promiscuous come to mind for every single female character). Besides that there are three POVs: one man inside, one woman inside, and one woman outside (the Asian one). They all have some common character traits: they’re hateful, spiteful, lying, scheming, unreflected, self-serving, egocentric assholes. But besides those lovely common traits, they have some others that make them loathsome in their very own way, and I can’t shake the feeling that the author took a lot of inspiration from some nasty gender stereotypes. (warning: from here on it gets spoilery)

Let’s start with the guy, Ramsay. He’s sex-obsessed in a way that he can’t form any coherent thought as soon as a pair of shapely legs and boobs with a woman attached enters the room. He’s incapable of fidelity, love, loyalty and commitment, although he constantly claims otherwise. Let me give you a few examples of his awfulness: After he breaks up with one of his crewmates (after maybe forcing himself on her? It’s not made clear. How can that not be clear.), he constantly complains how ugly and old and generally repulsive she is. That’s the only thing he has to say about her. He then starts an affair with another crewmate, and when she becomes pregnant, he blames it all on her for deceiving him and being irrational because she didn’t want to screw up her body with artificial hormones every day which apparently is to be expected from every woman. He then pressures her to have an abortion. She refuses, and he constantly thinks about how gross she is the further the pregnancy progresses. After the baby is born, he doesn’t help her whatsoever, and first chance he gets, he takes off on her although he has promised her otherwise. To top it all off, he restarts his affair with a woman from the outside crew about whom we only learn that she’s a snake with nice legs, while he’s still married to the mother of his child. I don’t think I need to add anything to that. The amount of misogyny, sexism, and patriarchal stereotypes about men as mindless sex machines (plus the corresponding view on women) all compressed into one character is baffling.

For the women there’s a bit more variation, but it doesn’t get any less nasty. Woman No. 1, Dawn, is the long-legged, full-breasted redhead beauty who gets one of the few spots inside the experiment and takes over responsibility for growing food in the fields and tending to the farmyard animals. She then gets together with Ramsay, gets pregnant and decides to carry the child against all common sense, considering that the experiment can barely produce enough calories for eight people, let alone nine, and is definitely not able to provide for the special needs of a pregnant woman or a newborn child. After Dawn’s two years are officially over, she refuses to leave the glass dome and decides to stay inside because she feels so close to nature inside, or something like that. Notice the symbolism at work here? The stereotype presented here is that of Mother Earth, fertile, providing, one with nature itself. It’s quite fitting that Dawn’s nickname, chosen by her fellow participants, is Eos (which literally means dawn). Both her names fit very well into this whole mantra that the organizers of the experiment have: to start anew, create a better world, one that sustains itself and doesn’t exploit resources but is fertile enough to to live independently (which, I’m sorry, is just not true. They rely on the local power plant to keep their ideal environment stable, they receive knowledge from the outside world, and after the two years the dome is in need of a thorough restocking because the crew killed all the farm animals and ate all the seed stocks because they were hungry.) Dawn is the archetypal woman, the one who nourishes others and gives life, is loving, beautiful and monogamous, but she also displays some negative traits that have been historically associated with women: She’s naive to the point that she doesn’t notice any negative feelings Ramsay has towards her; she’s self absorbed, like when she decides to go through with the pregnancy at the risk of the others starving; and she’s emotional in a way that’s constantly pointed out to be annoying and exaggerated (they call it weepy).

The other female POV, Linda, is presented as her foil. She’s also the only PoC character, which makes her negative portrayal doubly problematic, especially since she seems to stand in for two ethnicities: Asian (because of her Korean ancestry) and black (because of her kinky hair). We keep being told that Linda and Dawn are best friends, but there’s really no evidence in the text to support that since they’re constantly bitter, false and patronizing towards the other, in their thoughts and in their actions. Also, they mainly seem to talk about the men in their lives with each other, with Dawn as the one who has a way with men and Linda as the jealous, Fat Ugly Friend^TM. So yeah, great portrayal of a friendship between two women, since obviously men is the only thing we ever talk and care about. But besides being presented as an overall terrible person - false, needy, deceiving, the archetypal snake to Dawn’s Eve* - Linda herself also constantly emphasizes that she’s overweight and not conventionally attractive, which in her interior monologue tied together with her lack of success with men - and her race. The only valid point this book makes is that it damages your career and possibly your romantic chances, especially as the only PoC in an all-white environment. But since this point is filtered through the perspective of a character whose interior monologue is filled with constant nagging and delusions, it’s incredibly easy not to take it seriously and dismiss it as another figment of Linda’s imagination. This may not be racist in and of itself, although it definitely comes across as mocking racial awareness, but it sure starts to look like the real thing once you take all the negative comments into account that Linda makes about all her physical features that make her distinctly non-white. It also ties neatly into yet another issue this book has: body-shaming. Surprisingly (or not), this also mainly concerns the female characters and is filtered almost exclusively through the way men react to them. I got so, so tired reading about how Linda, the fat and ugly one, tries to get men to sleep with her (unsuccessfully, unless they are old and gross), while the thin, pretty women like Dawn have an entire parade of admirers (and successful careers). Also notice how personality doesn’t play any role at all in both women’s romantic success? That’s because women’s personalities don’t matter, simple as that. And it’s probably better that way, since they’re all naive and clingy or dishonest and needy anyway - in addition to being mean, which is something all characters in this book share.

The thing is, with books like this one that are just horrible with regards to sexism, racism, body-shaming and a whole host of other things, I always wonder how that happened. I don’t want to condemn the authors for all those things without having read some of their other books (which I generally don’t, because I value my time) or doing a thorough check on them (which I generally don’t do either, because I’m lazy. But I can’t help but ask myself whether these are the author’s actual views. Other options would include a critique of these issues gone wrong, or a misguided attempt to induce some historical accuracy, or ignorance. The problem is that I’m pretty sure I can exclude said other options. Historical accuracy in this case is not necessary since the book is set in the 1990s, not in the middle ages. Ignorance is a pretty weak excuse by itself, and one issue may slip under your (and your editor’s) radar, but so many...? The author of this book is a white guy, so he’s probably wearing privilege lenses, but still. Lastly, a critique would necessitate at least some attempt to contradict the views you have your characters expressing, either through the narrative or - even better - through a character themselves. I know that, and I’m a twenty-something amateur reader who sometimes tries her hand at literary critique. An author (and editor) who has been in the business for so long should definitely know that, and also how to work said critique into the story so that a casual reader would catch it. Which leaves us with option No. 1. And the reason why I regret having spent money on one of TC Boyle’s books, and why his name is another entry on my list of authors never to be read again.

*An afterthought that I’m too lazy to work in somewhere else: There is so much religious imagery in this book. It starts with the nicknames many characters in this book get, like God the Creator, Jesus, Judas, Eos etc., and culminates with this whole Garden of Eden theme that surrounds the experiment. Like with the cult thing, the book isn’t even shy to call itself out on it, but if this is not a prime example of lampshading, then I don’t know what is.

[lunamanar]

Mea Culpa

Alright...I know that this blog is typically very positive, very focused on FFVIII or FF in general or at least video games and sundry cool stuff. I don’t air grievances here, and I usually don’t opine on any heavy subjects. But, I need to make a serious post. It does touch a tiny bit on FFVIII, because it references something I said a little while ago, but this post is not about FFVIII. However, if you can stand to read it, I’d appreciate it. I promise the end point is still positive! I just need to get a little heavy for a bit. I’m not gonna hide any of this post behind a cut, either, just because I do think it’s important.

So, a couple days ago, I responded to an ask about my views on Seifer with a very long half-essay, half-editorial about the possible reasons for his behavior patterns, as displayed in the game. I knew that at least the first half of the post--which was from early last year and written while I was, uh, feeling a lot of things and probably shouldn’t have been answering questions about my FFVIII views--might be unpopular, but I thought that the opinion itself would be the problem, if anything, and if I stepped on any toes with it, I could clarify that, hey, my views have expanded since then. And I’ll never tell anyone else what they can and cannot think about a character, even if it stands in direct conflict with what I think about that same character. We all experience art and media in our own way, and I really, honestly believe that what we each get out of it is our own experience, and what good we find in that matters way, way more than whether or not our interpretation is “correct.” So while I’ll go down the rabbit hole trying to get to the bottom of what’s canon, what’s not, what differs between versions and translations and localizations...I still have my own feelings about the game, which I know are not provable, and I’m more than happy to let others have theirs, too. 

However...that, as it turns out, was not the problem with that post. People were really kind to me about my views on Seifer, actually. The most dissenting view I got was “uh I don’t think so but whatever.” And honestly, given...you know, the Internet...that’s pretty mild. 

The problem with that post, and something I’ve been thinking about ever since, wasn’t anything anyone got mad at me for. It was pointed out by a friend or two and I’ve been chewing on it trying to think about how to approach addressing it. It’s been really bothering me--as it should--considering my own history, and those of several loved ones, with mental illness. And honestly, I know better, should have known better than to couch Seifer’s violent behavior under the terms “sociopath” and “psychopathy.” While I do think my interpretation of him qualifies... ....Enngh. There’s a fine line between using the correct wording to describe a thing (which is what I’d done, in my mind) and representing that thing with your words. 

Well, maybe not such a fine line. Really, I fucking stepped in it, haha. And you know what the worst part is? Almost no one noticed, or if they did, they were either too jaded or too afraid to confront me about it. 

So, I want to take a moment, first of all, to sincerely apologize. Because...if just two of my friends tapped me to say ‘hey uh, maybe that wasn’t the best idea, man,’ the likelihood that there were other people who were made uncomfortable/injured by that post is right up there at 300% or so. And the fact no one else said anything is just further proof that...especially concerning those two scary awful terrible demon words--psychopath. sociopath.--there’s a stigma surrounding mental illness and the very discussion of it that allows bumbleducks like me to seemingly write off complicated characters like Seifer as a psychopath, signed sealed and delivered (no, I didn’t mean to write him off, but that’s not the point). Everyone else just nodded their heads, said “oh yeah that sounds right” and if they didn’t, it was either too intimidating or too exhausting to well-actually me about it. 

So, here’s some clarification that I should have explicitly provided in that original post. 

Mental illness in any form is a tangled mess. It gets messier the scarier the words being used. Most often, when you hear something like--for example--’ADHD,’ you get the mental image of someone with the attention span of a goldfish who can’t manage their vocal volume and is just generally hyper and all over the place. But...well...

I’m gonna use myself in this example. I have ADHD. And I’m not like that, at all. I’m focused, I have a pretty good long-term memory, and if anything, I am a very low-energy person. If you were to meet me face to face, I’d seem like a pretty normal introverted soul, maybe a bit more distant than average. But even something as “simple” as ADHD is not simple at all, the same “brownouts” that cause a lot of people to be hyper, loud and flighty cause me to be very quiet, highly anxious, and obsessive. Someone asked me, just about an hour ago, how I write all this content, and “think so hard” about FFVIII. Firstly, I’m far from the only one. But the answer is that--that, that’s just how my brain works. I can focus and pick over a subject for literally decades, if it means enough to me. It doesn’t mean I’m smarter, I’m simply devoting more time and effort to this than I otherwise would be. I almost have no choice. 

But, surprise, I don’t have OCD, despite the fact that “obsessive” is part of my behavior map. That’s a different set of brain things, and it’s been pretty solidly concluded that they aren’t part of my personal headsoup. Behaviors in and of themselves do not make a diagnosis; we might once have only had those to go on, but in this brand new age of fMRI and robot-facilitated chemistry testing, we have no such excuses. An absolutely huge tapestry of genetics, learning, body chemistry, past experiences, and simple dumb luck go into determining how a person behaves and what the particular cause of that behavior is. It’s not enough to say “oh, that person’s a psychopath.” That means...basically nothing. And the sad fact of the matter is, there are any number of diagnosed psychopaths who may have read that post, and as a result, pulled themselves even further into the shadows. Because they do have feelings, and they aren’t violent, or otherwise dangerous. But the moment they tell somebody they have this diagnosis, people are going to make assumptions about them, just because holy shit is that a scary terrible word. Or maybe not believe them at all. “You don’t seem like.....” People used to tilt their heads funny at me when I told them I had ADD. I eventually quit saying it, because it was annoying having to re-explain it all the time. But ADD isn’t a scary diagnosis. It’s a common one. Yeah, uh, so and so presidents/geniuses/inventors had ADD...if anything, it puts you on a pedestal with the greats, whether or not you deserve it. 

But the “scary” stuff? How would you like to be dumped into the same socially valueless pit as BTK? Or Hitler? In our society, association is everything, and while diagnoses of psychopathy or antisocial personality disorder are actually not that uncommon--especially “borderline” cases--when we hear about them, our immediate reaction to them is a fight-or-flight response. Danger. 

That’s...really not the way we should be looking at these things, though. 

To some extent the very doctors diagnosing the patients are to blame for their own demonization of these words and diagnoses, especially in the past. Media, which tends to only talk about mental illness when they find a terrifying fringe case involving it...serial killers, mass murderers, violent abusers...doesn’t really help at all. And then there’s the everyday klutzery of people like Yours Truly.

That exact kind of pigeonholing is exactly what I engaged in. Even though I was talking about Seifer as a textbook case, even though I said I didn’t mean he was a “stabbity” psychopath, what I left out of that post spoke a lot louder than what I put in. I didn’t stop to clarify that I was talking about the impact/influence of his mental state on his behavior, rather than as a direct cause to an effect. I didn’t slow down to say that I wasn’t calling all or even most people with similar illnesses violent. Hell, I didn’t even stop to call it a mental illness. I skipped straight to the “scary words,” without any preamble, any explanation, and I missed a huge opportunity to talk about mental illness in fiction, games and FFVIII in particular, and how we can collectively do better at discussing it, when we do cross that boundary between Talking About The Thing and Representing The Thing. 

I was nervous about being judged for my interpretation of Seifer, and in my haste to just get the answer out and then go hide in a hole for a week, I put forth a two-dimensional image of people living with powerful mental illnesses, and did those people--and Seifer himself--an injustice. I’m sorry for that, and I do intend to re-write the answer and correct that slight. I can’t say when I will have the energy or time to do it right...but, it will be done. In the mean time...I wanted to at least put this out there, and I hope, if you are someone who was hurt by that post, and for some reason, are still around listening to me yak, I can undo the damage.

...That’s all I got. 

[idreamofhazel]

Homesick

Written for @jpadjackles​ 1k Celebration Challenge (I’m sorry this is later than I planned!)

Prompt: Homesick by Louden Swain

Summary: Sam and Dean are leaving for a case and you stay behind for a very important reason.

Characters/relationships: Sam x reader, Dean

Word Count: 1.6k

Warnings: None

For the first time in years, Sam felt completely and wonderfully at ease. He had never been able to relax after he joined Dean and crisscrossed the country, hunting the earth’s most deadly creatures day and night. He had Dean to worry about, the potential victims, the fate of the world, and sometimes, himself. Then one day, unexpectedly, he had you. You came along, unannounced, but without guesswork, striking right through the noisy mess of Sam’s life and presenting to him a clear path. The relationship was never complicated, never messy, and always reliable.

At first, he did worry about you. It wasn’t normal, could-be-considered-healthy worrying, but that incessant and obsessive state of the mind where danger lurks at every corner, ready to pounce and take the one good thing he had. That state didn’t last for long, though. With a few good shots from your custom pistol and a few powerful slashes of your machete and some independently cracked cases, Sam knew that a woman who could hold her own had found him. He would no longer stifle your freedom and power once he realized that. He valued those things far too much in his own life to inhibit them in someone else’s, let alone in the woman he loved so dearly.

Most of the time, you and him and Dean were together, taking on case after case and winning most of them. Sometimes, you lost. Sometimes you paired up differently--you and Sam alone or you and Dean--and even rarer, you on your own. You didn’t decide to do that often, but if you did, Sam didn’t put up a fight. He had full confidence in you.

Today was sort of one of those times. He and Dean were on their own, just like they used to be. Dean was playing his outdated, but classic tunes and Sam was skimming over printouts from his laptop about the missing persons. Water sloshed up the side of the Impala from the recent rain and sunlight peeked through foggy skies, making Dean squint. He’d forgotten his sunglasses. Sam mostly thought of you while he read through the reports, resulting in him not retaining much of the information. He wasn’t fretting over the state of your safety, but rather, he was deep in thought over how much he missed you.

He imagined what you’d be doing right now. It was late enough in the morning that you’d probably be up, but not for long. You’d still be in the pajamas you wore the night before, having slowly shuffled across the cold floors to the kitchen, pouring yourself a cup of coffee and then shuffling back more happily to your room. There, you would sit and drink your coffee, enjoying the silence as you read or watched something on tv. You’d stayed behind because you were more tired than usual. It was probably nothing, but you hated getting sick, so you’d rather miss out on a hunt than exert too much energy at the moment.

Sam hoped you weren’t feeling worse this morning and he resolved to give you a call once they were in an area that had reception. Until then, he could only think of you. He was already anxious to be in your arms again, to feel the welcome of your embrace and of your kiss. He always missed you terribly when you were apart. It didn’t matter how long you’d been together, the ache to be with you again was always there. It wasn’t from nervousness or worry, but from the absence of your image gracing his eyes. Of course, he was always concerned for you. He never wanted anything to happen to you, and he did often wonder if all of you would be ok. Not in the short term sense of immediate danger and physical health, but the long term expanse of your relationship. He wondered if you were meant to be together always, if the circumstances of life would allow that, if something would wear at your relationship or at one or the other, or if you’d ever have to let each other go peacefully.

These worries didn’t overburden him. Rather, he focused on what he had now and his gratefulness for being able to hold you in his arms. He savored every moment with you and every touch he experienced. He was often too caught up in his confidence in you and his love for you to be concerned about the relationship. They were nagging things in the back of his mind, but never shouting that rose above everything else. The bottom line was that he could take care of himself and you could take care of yourself and together, you could more than take care of eachother.

While Sam was in the Impala contemplating these things, you were sitting in bed, just as he’d imagined, doing similar. Your thoughts were occupied with much different concerns, though. You didn’t read or watch tv or even get on your phone. You didn’t rummage through possible future cases or research something to help the boys. You didn’t mentally run through a list of things that needed to be done, like laundry or cleaning, and you didn’t think about making soup or running to the store for Sprite to help your nausea. Instead, you sat mostly still and completely silent, thinking of one thing and one thing only.

You hadn’t lied to Sam when you suggested that you stay home because you weren’t feeling well, but you didn’t venture to give him the whole truth yet. That’s what you considered now, sipping on your coffee, the whole truth and how to tell it to Sam. You wished he could be there now, with you, for support and to share the moment, but this was something you needed to check on your own. You needed to be certain before giving Sam any hope. Then you realized that you should actually take the test before worrying about how to best tell Sam, so that’s what you did.

After drinking your coffee, in the bathroom you tore open the small cardboard box, pulling out the plastic contraption and following the instructions very carefully in order to get an accurate reading. You understood that a doctor would be needed to verify, but doing it this way was personal and private. You and Sam were that way, usually quiet and private individuals who appreciated details shared at the right time. There was also the Winchester death records to consider when going to the hospital, but the main reason for doing it this way was preparation and time to feel and process. Sam would be gone five days at least. Two for travel and probably three to solve the case, which gave you plenty of preparation time.

In your thinking, you hadn’t noticed the two, parallel pink lines that had appeared. You sat, elbow on your thigh and chin in your hand, dangling the test over the side of your leg as you thought about the possible futures in all their infinite combinations while staring at the tile on the walls. Then you just happened to glance down, and once you saw them, you couldn’t stop looking down at them. Now you could rightfully be concerned about how to tell Sam.

Miles away, Sam saw civilization approaching, so he pulled out his phone and waited for a signal to appear. Dean teased him as usual, claiming that if Sam ever lost his phone, he’d die from lack of hearing your voice and not knowing what was happening to you. Dean had part of that right. Sam would be absolutely homesick without the ability to hear your voice while you were apart. He probably wouldn’t die, but he’d feel something close to it. You were that important to him, that near to his heart. In fact, you had gently and thoroughly lodged yourself inside his heart so that you were a part of him. He believed he had every excuse to feel estranged when he was away from a part of himself, so he didn’t pay attention to Dean. The city was getting closer and he watched for the bars to appear.

Back in the bunker, you watched to see if the lines would disappear, not because you didn't want them there but because you wanted them there so badly that you were afraid they might suddenly fade away and dissolve, as if they were a dream. When you’d sat long enough and decided that the pink wasn’t fading, you walked back to your bedroom to do some more thinking. You set the test on the bedside table where you could gaze at it from afar, as if that would help you see the whole picture of things, and then you glanced down at your phone sitting on the bed where you left it, noticing a missed call from Sam.  

It would be hard, keeping the secret from him now, since you knew the truth and were excited to share it, but you had to wait. You would plan a better surprise for him and tell him the news when you could see the expression on his face and when he could hold you and lift you up in delight. You imagined that’s what his reaction would be at the announcement that the family was growing, that this bunker would become even more of a home to all of them. It would be worth every second of that experience to wait. So, you tucked those visions away for the moment and you picked up the phone. You pressed return call and waited with a smile on your face for your partner, your lover, and now, the father of your child, to answer.

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[ghostmartyr]

top 5 villains

You know, the thing about villains, that I have learned through many years of skimming fandom, is that I am bizarrely short of villain stanning. I should have a long list of villains I like. And yet.

I like plenty of characters who are very much not good people, and very much antagonists. But it’s the chaos that’s essential, there. My favorite member of the villain squad is the nuisance who’s just hanging out enjoying being their worst self.

A top villain should be, like. Threatening. To be at the top, they should be adhering to their own agenda, and that agenda shouldn’t be the level of a side quest in the main story. The plot should turn on their ambition just as much as it does for the heroes.

Their reign should be both devastating and entertaining. Bring some style to it. It’s not about being an obstacle for the good guys, it’s about winning.

How many of the following truly check off all those marks is up for debate, but I think they’ve at least got the vibes.

Spoilers for each series the villain belongs to, and I will make sure to note said series in bold when it hits. Images blatantly stolen from wikis.

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The Locked Tomb, specifically Gideon the Ninth

Cytherea Loveday

(No art for you, book person.)

She probably shouldn’t be on this list. Yes, that’s how we’re starting out. Not that she isn’t a villain, and not that she isn’t threatening, and --

Look. She’s on the list. More because I like her and she happens to be a villain than me liking her because she’s a villain, but as villains go, she is, as the kids say, a fave.

The living embodiment of, “I came out to attack people and I’m having such a good time right now.” She is the main villain of the first book, and she spends most of the time that we see her lounging in gardens and batting her eyes at her boss’ daughter. She basically treats her murder spree as a company-sponsored tropical vacation. She impersonates her first victim, puppets said first victim’s closest companion’s corpse around (yes the corpse is also her responsibility, and yes she may have stuffed FV’s corpse in around it what of it), kills children, kills a married couple enjoying their anniversary, doesn’t kill the main character because the main character is easy on the eyes (it is slightly more complicated than that but if you want a good story you can read the book), and even when she dies she’s getting something she wants.

(Neglected wants include murdering God.)

Essentially, she’s dreamy. Don’t @ me.

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Madoka Magica: Rebellion

Kyubey

Specifying the movie and not picking Homura. I’m great at this.

The reason is actually very simple.

In the movie, Kyubey filled me with hatred. In the series, it’s more of a, ‘lol, you scamp, helping move the plot along’ annoyance at best. I don’t really mind the evil alien bunny ferret in the series. Obviously it’s a bit of a dick, but Kyubey feels like a product of the evil system more than actually being a villain.

Enter the movie.

Enter (irrational levels of?) rage.

Kyubey, in Madoka’s new world, operates with less gains than the witch system provided. The system still functions, but the Incubators could be more fulfilled by it, so it’s like -- ‘can has throne of madokami? kthx start the torture back up.’

Again, Kyubey is a product of the evil system. But the evil system that Madoka defeated. She won, and here Kyubey is, trying to start the game all over and break everything she fixed (arguably succeeding in the case of Homura). The injustice of it all made me actively angry at Kyubey in a way that I seldom experience towards fictional characters. The system was dead, and it had no business trying to come back. Kill it, kill it good, and don’t leave a body behind to bury, because fuck the system.

Then Homura’s treatment of Kyubey at the end disturbed me enough that I can’t actually stomach a manifestation of my dislike for our favorite alien cat marshmallow, but for the strength of reaction Kyubey inspired, we have our second spot on the list.

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Rurouni Kenshin

Makoto Shishio

Obligatory mention that all the decent people in this series would punch their author in the face at bare minimum.

Shishio is probably the closest embodiment of the ideal villain talked out above the cut. He has goals. He has a life outside the hero. He’s initially only mildly interested in including the hero in that life. He’s out to rule the country and bathe the current government in blood, and doing it in style is a very cool side effect.

The guy’s set on fire by his own side because they’re terrified of his power. He is the nightmare created by people who put down a road to Hell brick by brick with their maybe good intentions. Along the way they meet a demon, and up until the threat of his power becomes too great, they happily embrace his skills.

Upon his recovery, all he’s really about is proving that they were right to be terrified, and they also should have done a better job with their murder, because guess who’s alive, bitch.

The strong live, and the weak die. Makoto Shishio is alive to remind the government that they are weak, and he will feed on them.

He has an army, he has followers, and he balances all of their motivations so that they are acting only in his favor. Hatred, admiration, or loyalty, it’s all a tool. He kills the woman he loves to win a fight, and she dies grateful for it.

Terrible person. Beautiful conviction. He dies without once faltering in his philosophy and power. He is a force.

Bonus points for being voiced by Steve Blum in the anime.

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She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)

Horde Prime

This is the part of the list where I start having a little bit of trouble. I mean. The first entry is also that, but Horde Prime is here because I looked at my standards and shouted into the void of my mental file cabinet, “is anyone in here like that?”

Horde Prime is here because he is scary as fuck. He’s a genocidal religious cult leader, and the cult members being clones of him does not mean he plans on being nice. He will put on a polite smile and sink his claws into your throat if you so much as think of being a creature beyond his might.

He is the epitome of a Saturday morning cartoon villain, but in the best way. He doesn’t have a positive motive outside of his own ego. He’s power-hungry and arrogant, and the entitlement oozes off him in any scene where he deigns to interact with people. He is a monster. A veneer of civility can be draped over it all if he’s in the mood, but the universe is his, and he will destroy as much of it as he pleases until it catches up and starts bowing down.

I want to have fun hating villains, and Horde Prime is delightful to hate.

He’s evil and has stage presence. Thank you, sir, your descent into Hell will be witnessed with great satisfaction.

Worth noting that his voice actor, Keston John, is a huge part of that stage presence, and does phenomenal work as his voice.

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Rurouni Kenshin

Yukishiro Enishi

(Image not stolen from a wiki because somehow the vibes weren’t right from his page.)

Enishi would do so much more than punch his author in the face, because he’s an awful human being, but an awful human being with one very clear, obsessive stance.

Yes, I wrote Enishi’s name with the family name first and Shishio’s with the family name second. Yes, this is because Kenshin going “Makoto Shishio” in the anime dub is burned into my brain, and Enishi doesn’t have that going on. My list, my bad choices.

First, it must be said: COOLEST CHARACTER DESIGN OF THE LIST. FASHION GOALS. FITNESS GOALS. REALLY FUCKING COOL SWORD. REALLY FUCKING COOL FIGHTING STYLE. BADASS TRANSFORMATION THAT PROBABLY MAKES ANYONE WITH BASIC BIOLOGY UNDERSTANDINGS WINCE.

What a dick.

Here’s the deal.

Kenshin killed his sister.

Enishi will make Kenshin suffer.

Here is the nuance that Enishi can’t grasp until the end.

His sister loved Kenshin. Her death was a horrific accident, partially set up by both her and her brother attempting to arrange Kenshin’s death (one of them changed their mind).

For the hero of the story, Yukishiro Tomoe is a gaping, open wound across his face. It is his greatest failure. There is no part of him not aching with guilt and remorse over her death. There is only pain, and the reminder of it threatens to drown him.

For the villain of the story, there is only one response to that: Good.

It is not enough for Enishi that the man he hates dies. Enishi wants to rip Kenshin’s heart out of his chest and leave it beating in a field of salt and glass. He wants to destroy any shred of life Kenshin has found without his sister, and he wants Kenshin to know that all of this destruction is his fault.

What Enishi wants is the hero’s complete and utter annihilation. His soul deadened, and his suffering infinite.

Obsessive hate to the extent that Enishi feels is just... impressive as hell. His view of the world is black and white to the extreme, and he will make that our hero’s problem. He will not doubt himself except to wonder if keeping Kenshin alive to suffer is a misstep. Enishi is angry, traumatized, and quite often a fucking asshole whose emotional development ceased as a child. Where he was also a little jerk, but you could try to imagine a world where maybe he didn’t bite people if you wanted to be optimistic.

Then he watches Kenshin kill his sister, and proceeds to be the absolute worst in the name of his righteous vengeance. A bunch of people are seriously wounded, there is a large amount of property damage, and trauma is everywhere.

Here is peak Enishi:

Villains need to commit, you know?

Points for passion.

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And that’s five? I count five. Awesome.

Sorry this took so long. I wasn’t sure how to go about a list, and then I didn’t want to just phone it in, since it’d already taken forever. Thanks very much for the ask, though! Hopefully this serves as an entertaining response.