#sorry but bit exhausted today cause i still do have covid

[elliesbelle]

i’m gonna put off publishing it til tomorrow, but just a little preview of skinny dipping:

let me know if you wanna be tagged when i post it ♡

[lilliagradiewrites]

flinch (harry styles)

Summary: When you are arguing with Harry, you flinch away from him, and he realizes your last relationship was worse the he knew.

WC: 1.3k

WARNINGS: HUGE TW! THIS DEALS HEAVILY WITH DOMESTIC ABUSE/VIOLENCE! PLEASE KNOW THIS BEFORE CONTINUING!!

This story is mainly angst, with a lil bit of fluff at the end.

A/N: Another Harry one shot! My last one did so so well, and I gained so many new friends on this profile! I really hope you guys enjoy this super sad/angsty piece <3

(this has not been proofread.)

LET’S DO IT!!!

~~~~~~

“I’m sorry Y/N! I don’ know what you want from me! I’m always filming, there’s nothin’ I can do!”

“I’m not mad at you, Harr, I know it’s not your fault! I was just saying that it sucks, okay? I miss you so fucking much, all day, all the time! Excuse me for fucking missing you when you’re not here!”

The argument had sprouted an hour ago, when you told Harry you missed him. Now, here you were, having a screaming match with him in your living room.

Harry was currently starring in the new Olivia Wilde movie, Don’t Worry Darling. You were incredibly proud of him, but his constant filming was hard for you. He was always gone, filming in Los Angeles.

At first, he would fly you out every other weekend to visit him on set. While you didn’t see him as much as you would like, at least you got to interact with him face to face.

Unfortunately, this routine didn’t last very long. After the first crew member contracted COVID-19, they decided to maintain a closed set, to prevent the spread as much as possible. So, your meetings with Harry were reduced to facetime calls, which always left something to be desired. Not having your boyfriend with you was taking a massive toll on you, and all you did today was express that to him.

For some reason, he took personal offense to your statement, and the two of you began fighting.

“Do you think I don’ miss you too? Of course I do! But this is such a big opportunity for me, I’m not gonna drop because you miss me! It’s only lasting a little while longer, I promise you can manage!”

Tears began welling up in your eyes. There was nothing you hated more than getting yelled at, and it’s even worse since it’s Harry. You loved him so much, and just the thought of him being upset with you made you want to cry.

“I know, babe, and I’m not asking you to. I just.... I’m sorry. It’s alright. Can we please not fight? You’re only home for two weeks. I don’t want to waste it being angry with each other.” your voice was barely a whisper.

“I just need you to understand! It’s not my fault I’m always gone. You’re bein’ selfish!”

At this moment, he took a step forward as he yelled. In instinct, you whipped away, putting your hands up in defense. A whimper left your mouth, and for a moment, you forgot that it was only Harry standing in front of you.

Immediately, your boyfriend froze. His brows furrowed, and he went silent. You were still standing away, and your hands are still held towards him.

When you realized he’d paused, you came to your senses. Recomposing yourself, you turned around towards him, your hands folding over your chest.

When you met his eyes, the look in them was terrible to see.

He was absolutely devastated. The emerald green that normally shined when he looked at you had been dulled.

“Lovie…” He begins, his voice a hoarse whisper. “Did you just- did you think I was going to hit you?”

You dropped his gaze; you couldn’t bear to look at him.

“I would never. I would never, ever, lay a hand on you. Did… did your ex hit you, my love?

You could do nothing but cry. As your knees began to give out, Harry moved immediately forward, catching you before you could collapse.

Sobs wracked your body as Harry lowered himself and you to the floor. Silent tears slid down his face as he consoled you, the pain of this newfound information tearing him apart.

He couldn’t believe it. How could anyone ever lay a hand on his beautiful angel? You were nothing but sweetness and love? Hurting you was like shooting an angel down from the sky. You were so amazing.

What hurt even more was that you flinched away from him. He knew it was instinct, because of what you’ve been through, but he still hated himself for allowing the conversation to even get to that point. Seeing you move away like that, like you were scared of him… it caused him physical pain like he’d never imagined.

And now, you sat here, crying in his arms. His lovie, crying.

The sound of your sobs hurt like hell, too.

“I’m so sorry, my love. I-I wish I could go back in time and protect you from him. I’m so so sorry.”

This only made you cry harder. You hated that you made Harry feel like you were scared of him; you were far from it. When he was near you, you felt safe and protected. When people yelled at you, you went to a different place in your mind.

When you were being yelled at, it didn’t matter who was yelling at you.

All you see was him in front of you.

When your sobs grew less intense, Harry spoke to you again.

“Why didn’ you tell me, lovie? You never told me. I wish you’d said something.”

You looked up at him, and the sight was a knife to your heart. Your beautiful boy was crying.

You hated it when he cried.

“I-I didn’t want to upset you. It was ten months ago. I didn’t think I needed to.”

‘Ten months isn’ that long of a time period, baby. You still need time to heal. I wish I could’ve helped you before now.”

“I’m sorry.” Your voice was weak, and you began to cry again. You buried your head in Harry’s shoulder, but it was only there for a second.

He took your face in his large hands and moved it away from his body, making sure he could look you in the eye.

“No, my love. Don’ you dare apologize. I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been for you. How hard it must be. I get it why you didn; say anything. You have nothing to apologize for, Y/N. Absolutely nothing.”

All you could do is nod.

“I wish I could protect you from your past.” Harry whispered as he held you against his chest.

For over an hour, you sat there on the floor of the living room, holding each other and crying quietly. You both had so much to say and nothing to say simultaneously.

Once a while had passed, Harry whispered something inaudible, then picked you up bridal style.

He carried you into your bedroom, sitting you gently on the bed. You just laid there with your eyes closed, too mentally and emotionally exhausted to do anything.

Harry moved quietly throughout your room. You could hear drawers opening and closing, hear the soft sound of his feet padding against the carpet.

When he came back to you, he lifted your upper half off of the bed, holding you close to him. You felt his hands on the hem of your shirt, and then felt his mouth near your ear.

“Is it alright if I help you undress, love? You should change into pajamas or you’ll be uncomfortable.”

You nodded sleepily, but that wasn’t enough for Harry.

“I need a yes, angel.”

“Yes, harry, it’s okay.”

He nodded lightly, accepting this as an answer. He lifted your shirt gently, tossing it to the side, and replacing it with one of his own. His shirt was soft and comfortable against your skin. You smiled at the feeling; there was nothing you loved wearing more than his clothes.

Harry got permission from you again before pulling off your jeans. He didn’t replace these with anything, knowing that you usually slept in your underwear when you wore his shirt.

Once you were in comfy clothes, Harry lifted you once more, placing your head on your pillow and pulling the blankets over you. Once you were settled, he climbed into bed beside you.

“I love you so much, angel. You are the love of my life. I will protect you with everythin’ I have in me. No one is ever goin’ to hurt you like that again, I promise.”

Those were the last words you heard before drifting off to sleep.

[arcturusreads]

DO WE GET A PART 3 OF CHRISTMAS WHISKEY?!?! CAUSE I NEED ONE

Christmas Whiskey Part 3 - Merhayes

Here's a part three for you guys and I think this is the last part I've got for this but I had so much fun writing Christmas Whiskey. I wasn't expecting it to be a multi-chap fic but it's been so much fun to write. Hope you enjoy it, lovely . You can find part 1 here and part 2 here

They were midway through their second movie of the evening, Leo, Scout and Allison had already been taken upstairs having fallen asleep towards the end of the first film. Irene couldn’t help but keep glancing at Cormac and Meredith on the sofa together. She was well aware of the way that Cormac would often stare at Meredith whilst she was watching the film. The way he would ask her if she needed anything whenever she would move around in her seat.

Dumb, Irishman. She could help the thought. She’d sat down with multiple times since he’d moved to Seattle, telling him that Abigail wanted to see him happy, wanted him to find love again.

She wanted him to find love again. Cormac had become a brother to her, no need to the in-law part anymore. Of course, she missed her sister and seeing Cormac was someone else might be a bit weird, but he didn’t deserve to spend the rest of his life alone.

The boys were teenagers now, It wouldn’t be long until they were off to college and there was no one home with Cormac. No one to vent to, no one to laugh with. All Irene wanted for Cormac was for him to fall in love, but the stubborn, dumb Irishman seemed to be digging his heels in even when it was staring him right in the face. More like even when he was staring at it right in the face. Repeatedly.

Pulling her eyes away from the film for a moment, Meredith looked down at the floor and smiled at the sight of her kids. A quiet laugh escaped her lips when she saw that Ellis had fallen asleep, half on top of Austin. Curious as to what had amused Mer so much, Cormac looked over and grinned.

“Looks like Ellis found a pillow,” he whispered.

Shaking her head Meredith stood up and stretched, “I’m surprised she didn’t crash earlier if I’m honest.”

She crouched down to where Austin was sat with Ellis, “I’m really sorry about her.”

“It’s cool, really. She was talking to me about the movie and two seconds later she passed out but I don’t mind if she stays here.”

Meredith laughed, “That sounds like her. I should probably get her in bed though and you can have your arm back.”

Gently, Meredith rubbed Ellis’ back, trying to coax her out of her sleep. “Come on, baby girl, it’s bedtime.”

Ellis slowly opened her eyes, rubbing them with and looking around, slightly disorientated. “But the film,” she whined.

“Ellie Belle, I think you’ve already missed most of it. Come on sweet girl, I’ll put it on for you another day, okay?”

Ellis thought about it for a minute before nodding. As Meredith stood up, Ellis reached up both hands wanting to be carried up to bed. Cormac could sense Meredith’s hesitation; he knew that she had was still struggling with exhaustion and the effects of Covid.

He quickly got up from the sofa and scooped Ellis up off of the floor, lifting her in the air before placing her on his hip. Her giggles reminded him of Meredith, she truly was her mother’s daughter.

“I hope you don’t mind if I help you take this little munchkin up to bed, Grey.” He knew that if he had offered to help her pick Ellis up, Meredith would have flat out refused.

“Please, momma,” Ellis big, puppy dog eyes had broken any resolve that Meredith had to tell Cormac that there was no need.

“Alright then,” she tapped Ellis on the nose.

“Do you want us to pause the movie, mommy?” Zola looked up at her mom who shook her head.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. We won’t be long.”

Irene watched the three of them as the trooped upstairs and couldn’t help but thing how domesticated all of this was. For two people who weren’t dating, they certainly had a good family unit between them.

Meredith led the way to Ellis’ bedroom and as soon as Cormac had put the little girl down she made a beeline straight for her bed.

“Uh, uh. I don’t think,” Meredith stopped her in her tracks. “Teeth first and then you can get into bed.”

“But momma!”

“No buts, come one! You want strong, healthy teeth, right?” Ellis nodded at her. “Then you have to go and brush them, come on, I’ll help.”

“I want Dr Mac to help!”

Meredith turned to Cormac and raised a brow. “Dr Mac?”

“Aye, well, I may have spoken to your kids on the tablet whilst you were in hospital and Ellis wanted to know who I was.”

This was definitely full of surprises. Meredith had known that he had visited her in her room whilst she had been in a coma, even if he hadn’t admitted it to her when she’d asked. She hadn’t expected him to have spoken to her kids though. It made sense why they had felt so comfortable with him coming down today though. She knew that her kids could be a little protective over her at times, especially Zola.

Meredith turned back to her daughter, “Come on, then. I’m sure Dr Mac would love to help.”

She held out her hand for Ellis to grab and went to the bathroom that the kids shared with Cormac trailing behind them. Whilst Meredith got Ellis’ toothbrush ready, she wasn’t willing to tidy up the inevitable mess of toothpaste around the sink today, Mac lifted Ellis up so she was sitting on the counter, legs kicking back and forth.

When she was done brushing her teeth, Cormac picked Ellis back up and carried her into her room.

“You’re spoiling her you know.”

“Princesses were born to be spoilt, Grey,” he called over his shoulder, Ellis giggling away in his arms.

As Meredith tucked her into bed, Cormac leant against the doorframe. He couldn’t help but admire Meredith as a mother. He had seen as a doctor, as a friend, as a colleague but this was a new side of her that he hadn’t been exposed to and it just caused another rush of emotions within him. He saw how the way she made each one of her kids feel important, how she was determined to make time for them regardless of how busy work was. She was more than just her job and he wanted to know every single thing about her. He wasn’t quite that even that would be enough.

Meredith sat on the edge of Ellis bed, whispering to her and stroking her hair until the little girl fell back to sleep. Kissing her forehead, Meredith gently and quietly got up from the bed and almost jumped out of her skin when she turned around and saw Cormac still standing there. Ushering him out of the room, Meredith turned off the light, whispered one last goodnight to her youngest and quickly shut the door behind her.

“You know you could have gone back downstairs ages ago; you didn’t have to wait here.” They moved further along the passage, so their voices wouldn’t wake Ellis up.

Cormac slipped his hands into his pockets and shrugged. “Well, I didn’t want Ellis thinking that Dr Mac was running away from her the first chance he got.

“You know you’re going to have to tell me what you’ve said to my kids to make them like you so much.”

“Well, that just for us to know and for you to find out. You know, Grey, they were exactly like you when you first met me.”

Meredith narrowed her eyes, “And what’s that meant to mean?”

Chuckling, Cormac lent back on his heels. “Oh, you know, a little apprehensive of me but they warmed up to me a lot quicker than you did.”

“You think I’ve warmed up to you?” She teased.

Cormac took a step towards Meredith. “I sure as hell hope so, Grey.” The teasing tone was gone, his voice dropped.

Meredith’s breath hitched in her throat and Cormac took another step towards her, closing any distance there was between them. He cupped her face, running his thumb up and down her cheek. Cormac leaned down and Meredith stood on her toes, their noses brushing before the sound of china smashing on the floor downstairs made them jump apart.

“We should- uh, go and see what that is…” Meredith suddenly didn’t know what to do with herself, looking anywhere but at Cormac.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Cormac winced, annoyed that yet another chance had been blown between them. “Yeah, you lead the way.”

Hearing the disappointment in his voice Meredith finally looked at him and realised that he wanted that moment to happen just as much as she had. “We should pick this up another time, maybe when there are so many people around?”

She smiled gingerly at him, hoping that she hadn’t completely misread the signals because that would be just her luck. The smile that appeared on Cormac’s face was enough to ease the worries she had though.

“Sounds like a plan, Grey.”

[marvelingjules]

So not my direct supervisor, but the like, second in command, oversees all the library side of community services supervisor, gave me a call this morning.

That sounds worrying lol. It wasn’t.

See, she used to be in charge of the branch I am at now. She calls this branch her baby. She had to be tempted and coerced to leave it for a higher position in the department lol. She takes a personal interest in it still - so she checks in with me every couple weeks about things.

She was with my supe yesterday when I was having the staffing issue, and she wanted to make sure I had coverage today - which I do bc my supe came down.

She expressed how sorry she was that this was happening, how frustrating she was sure it was for me, that she doesn’t know why this keeps happening - genuinely remorseful sounding. And I was like “it happens. It’s that time of year that school’s picking back up, COVID is on the rise again, etc. But it’s fine cause I like it out here!”

And she immediately perked up all “oh that is so good to hear!”

So we talked a bit more - mentioned the two support staff I am training up to be able to have a more solid base of staff for scheduling, talked about how they (the higher ups) are here whenever I need them and they’ll do what the can to call in the calvary when need be, etc.

And listen, the system I work in is not perfect. But no work system really is. The higher ups all are supportive and they want me to succeed though, and I can’t say I have ever had a work culture like that before. So it’s nice, and I love the work I do, and so… at the end of the day even when I am so stressed and exhausted I can’t handle emotions, I still don’t feel like work is terrible.

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2020

You know, when I finished my latest list and realised every decade had the same pattern and that we were slowly going towards a series of great years for pop, I didn’t realise how good that year would be.

What’s at the top? Am I boringly predictable because I already said I loved that song all the way back in January 2020? Let’s find out.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will probably be stuff in French somewhere on this post. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

So. Uh. How was your 2020?

Mine was actually surprisingly good, considering. I’m lucky enough to have a job that I can partially do from home, and I was extremely paranoid from the get-go and nobody got sick under this roof so far. Turns out I’m even better at my job from home and I got permission to work from home one day per week even after the health crisis is over! My first name was also finally officially approved and I can’t tell you how happy I feel about that. I almost feel bad to have had such a good year considering the circumstances. I feel like an asshole just because I’m happy, haha.

The only frustrating part was that I was supposed to see Hatari in concert in Paris in early April which, as you can guess, was cancelled. I’m not too mad about it though, since their tour was called “Europe will crumble” and the message saying the tour was cancelled started with “since Europe is actually crumbling due to Covid-19″ and that’s hysterical.

Good or interesting albums that came out in 2020 now, let’s see.

Nightwish released Human/Nature, which was a huge letdown compared to their previous album, but I will relisten to it at some point to make sure I wasn’t just in a bad mood that day.

The Birthday Massacre released Diamonds, which might be their weakest album since their debut, but contained some real gems (I listened to The Last Goodbye on a loop, it floored me. Flashback and Enter are also very good).

The 1975 released Notes On A Conditional Form, and let’s be real, it’s a f█cking mess. You could cut half the tracks and end up with an excellent album, but as it is it’s like, yes, a collection of notes ; however there’s some truely excellent shit on it (see unelligible songs).

Thanks to a friend on a discord server I was exposed to Dorian Electra’s music and I haven’t been quite the same ever since. I’m so happy to be alive to see other enbies making such great music with an insanely good aesthetic surrounding it and asking so many interesting questions about gender. Also the arc the ‘gentleman’ character goes through over the course of the entire tracklist of the 2020 My Agenda album is absolutely hilarious, don’t @ me.

I also discovered 100 Gecs this year. Why are most of you guys saying it’s unlistenable garbage. It’s just as abrasive and over the top as industrial music is, but with none of the edginess or drama. I love it. What the hell. But yeah Tree of Clues was released this year. Good.

Speaking of industrial, in March 2020 Nine Inch Nails were like “hey remember when we released Ghosts I-IV a decade ago entirely for free and how amazing that was? Well we’re all in lockdown and bored as hell so here’s Ghosts V-VI and it’s also free. Enjoy” and I f█cking died instantly. And it’s even better than I-IV. What the hell was that year

Jonsi released Shiver. It’s strange and highly experimental. I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing I was into hyperpop this year, otherwise going from his previous material straight to this album would have been brutal.

Yadda yadda yadda After Hours by the Weeknd good yadda yadda.

I’ve joked about that already but if you had told me in 2019 that 2020 would have fires, a pandemic, riots, monoliths appearing and disappearing, and also a super good Machine Gun Kelly album, guess which part I would have found the most ridiculous. But yeah uh. Tickets to my Downfall good

So uh this year I tried to listen to some hyperpop and liked it a lot, and I also dipped my toes timidly into screamo and listened to Svalbard, who released When I Die this year, and the entire album was a very beautiful, very intricately decorated punch to the face. It sounds like God Is An Astronaut except with a shit ton of yelling. I love it. Open Wound is my favorite track on it.

But no, despite all of this, my album of the year was from a band I had never even heard about before that year, called Spanish Love Songs. The album is titled Brave Faces Everyone and it’s line after line after line of extremely relatable generational angst but yelled with complete sincerity and it’s so propulsive and energetic you can’t help but feel both exhausted and ready to fight the entire universe. I don’t know how it works, but it’s incredible. The entire album is wonderfully brutal, so it’s kind of difficult to pick my favorite songs on it, but Beachfront Property and the title track stand out.

Unelligible songs, now, and there’s, uh, quite a few of them too so I’m also gonna use bullet points. Good lord this post is gonna be long.

First, let me say I have literally no idea why Midnight Sky by Miley Cyrus wasn’t a bigger hit. It’s not on the year-end US top 100 and it feels extremely wrong. Would have made it to #4 on this list otherwise.

I still entertain the vague hope that stuff from Machine Gun Kelly will chart higher in 2021 but I doubt it will happen so I might as well tackle it now and say that Bloody Valentine and especially Forget Me Too are both excellent and that it’s a shame radios aren’t playing them more often.

Heaven by the late Avicii featuring Coldplay should have charted in 2019 and still didn’t chart in 2020 and that’s a real shame.

If the world was a bit less unfair, Lovesick Girls by Blackpink would have been a hit rather than the awful Ice Cream.

One day I will stop complaining about my bafflement concerning the lack of mainstream pop charts success of The 1975. Today is not that day. I just love how they keep making songs about extremely awkward relationships full of weird details, and I haven’t grown tired of that yet. So yeah If You’re Too Shy is about a guy who’s crush is asking him to get naked on Skype in his hotel room and he’s, uh, not too sure about that idea.

And Me & You Together is about a guy who never finds the right moment to tell his best friend he’s in love with her, and he manages to do so at the end and it’s cute as hell. My fave part is “I'm sorry that I'm kinda queer / It's not as weird as it appears / It's 'cause my body doesn't stop me (Stop me) / Oh, it's okay, lots of people think I'm gay / But we're friends, so it's cool, why would it not be?”. Relatable as f█ck.

And now for an international hit that should have been bigger in the US and/or in my country but wasn’t: Head & Heart by Joel Corry and MNEK.

I’ve heard Nos Célébrations by Indochine extremely often on French radio for months now so I was very surprised to see that it didn’t crack the local year-end list. What happened.

I can finally hear the appeal of Bring Me The Horizon. It took me ages. And also Death Stranding. The song Ludens isn’t in the game per say, but it’s among the ones you can pick to broadcast briefly when people drive by your constructions, and long story short it's been living rent-free in my head for months now.

Phew.

It’s time for a round of Honorable Mentions for elligible songs, containing a couple of guilty pleasures, which is saying something considering the kind of shit I put on some of my previous lists.

Ne Reviens Pas (Gradur et Heuss l’Enfoiré) - Heuss is a French artist that kept baffling me while making my lists for the previous years, and I was like “??? ok, that’s it then, I guess I’m getting too old to get what teenagers find funny”. This one worked for me, though. And the music video doesn’t hurt. Really dumb and really fun.

Adore You (Harry Styles) - Perfectly good little pop song, very pleasant to listen to, never outstayed its welcome for me.

Mood (24kGoldn) - This doesn’t sound like a very good relationship, my dude, but that’s still a super pleasant song.

WAP (Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion) - This song is absolutely hilarious and I will hear no argument from any of you.

Control (Zoe Wees) - Was clearly a hit here. Should have been even bigger though. What a powerful but comfy voice. If I had better taste it would be on the list.

Hot Girl Bummer (Blackbear) - I. Uh. Listen. I keep saying I have bad taste and nobody believes me. Do you believe me now. But yeah. “F█ck you, and you, and you~, I hate your friends and they hate me too” is gonna pop in my head every single time someone is being a jerk anywhere near me now. It’s been happening all year already. Someone trashed my documents at work? Someone isn’t wearing a mask in public? That guy has filled his car with rolls of toilet paper? Brain goes “F█ck you, and you, and you~”. Every. Single. Time.

Come & Go (Juice WRLD & Marshmello ) - Damn, that’s a pretty good little song. I’ve seen plenty of people saying it’s ruined by the drop, but may I remind you I’m the person who loves Blue by Eiffel 65 with all my heart. If the song was ramping up consistently until the end instead of ending like that, it would have made the list, definitely.

And now, the actual list. This one actually feels pretty solid, I genuinely like everything on it, there’s no filler here for once.

10 - The Box (Roddy Rich)

US: #3 / FR: #23

Now this is a weird case, because for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why this song was so popular and I was completely neutral about it. Then, one morning in September, my mental jukebox (which always, always puts a song on a loop in my head when I wake up) decided to play it. And I was like oh wow?? I never noticed the atmosphere in that song before? It’s so great. And that hook too. Let’s listen to it.

So yeah, I don’t know what happened. It just clicked one day and everything fell into place, I guess.

9 - Alane (Wes & Robin Shulz)

US: Not on the list / FR: #93

Come on. You can’t do a remake of one of my previous #1 songs and let it chart in 2020. That’s cheating. Even with this subpar drop, I have to put it on the list, now.

I’ve already said my piece about the original, so I’m just going to send you back to my 1997 list.

8 - Kings and Queens (Ava Max)

US: Not on the list / FR: #76

[BBC documentary voice] After Lady Gaga decided to make piano balads and left her musical niche vacant, Ava Max quickly took her place as the top predator pop diva. Even after Lady Gaga was re-introduced to her natural habitat in 2020, she still hasn’t fully recovered in Europe, where Ava Max still reigns supreme on the charts -

(tldr I think it’s hilarious that this isn’t on the US Billboard while Lady Gaga isn’t on the French year-end top 100)

7 - Roses (Saint Jhn & Imanbek)

US: #19 / FR: #3

What an earworm. It doesn’t even bother trying to have an intro or an outro, so it loops almost perfectly. It’s like entering a party that started long before you arrived, and it will go on long after you leave it to go back home. Kind of hypnotic in a way.

And yes, my mental jukebox was very fond of using it to wake me up this year, so this is another song that’s here almost solely because of that.

6 - Physical (Dua Lipa)

US: Not on the list / FR: #69 (hehehe)

“Hey I’m not that old” says the guy who’s definitely a sucker for this kind of retro throwback that was so popular this year. Oh well.

I don’t have anything interesting to say about this one, though. Apart from the fact that everyone seems to have a different fave song on that album. Guess that’s quality for you.

5 - Rain on Me (Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande)

US: #48 / FR: Not on the list

That is far from being Lady Gaga’s best song, but it was a joy to listen to everytime it was on the radio anyway. Also Ariana Grande has surprisingly good chemistry with Gaga! This year was full of strange duets mostly made for commercial reasons, and this one isn’t an exception, but unlike a lot of them, it really, really works.

4 - Dynamite (BTS)

US: #38 / FR: Not on the list

I’m still not 100% sold on k-pop even if a ton of it sounds super good, but come on. Even if some bits of this song (especially the beginning of the second chorus) sound a bit like they were made on autopilot, it still sounds just as happy and fun several months after I first heard it and I never got tired of it. That’s quality. You hear it and you can’t help but tap your feet and smile.

Actually, I’m sure there’s people somewhere that don’t smile when they hear this song. And they must be avoided at all costs.

3 - Godzilla (Eminem ft Juice WRLD)

US: #62 / FR: Not on the list

What are you doing so high on this list, old man. Why are you still here in the year 2020. I thought we left you in the previous decade. Who gave you the right.

I’m gonna tell you who did, and it’s actually Juice WRLD. Because that chorus is incredible, and like a lot of people I’m pissed off because the guy died super young and this shit shouldn’t happen to anybody. No, his early material wasn’t great, but I’m sorry I’m gonna say it again: have you heard this damn chorus? It’s suspenseful and dark, it’s got this lowkey menacing quality, it’s an earworm and a half, and it’s more convincing in like six lines than Eminem’s own flexing is in the entire song.

The beat is extremely good as well, and the flow, obviously, impressive. The weakest link is Eminem’s writing, which is as usual full of puns and weird wordplay, except here a lot of it isn’t great, and that last ultra fast part at the end is technically impressive but it also drives the song up a cliff and stops it dead in its tracks once it’s over. But frankly the lines fly by so fast it’s difficult to be too annoyed by them.

Can I sincerely put this extremely flawed song so high on my list? A better question would be “did I spend hours trying to learn how to sing this shit without choking on my own spit?”. The answer is yes. To both.

2 - Heartless (The Weeknd)

US: #28 / FR: Not on the list

I’ve said it on my 2015 and 2016 lists already, but just for the record I’ll say it again: it took me ages to like The Weeknd, mostly because I found most of his songs fairly boring, or disliked the lyrics, or both. Also I never really liked the general vibe of his “sexy” songs like The Hills, they felt dark but in an unpleasant creepy way. Felt like miserable hedonism, if that makes sense.

So, because I’m a person with extremely consistent and logical tastes, here’s the exact same shit he was making before, except that this time I absolutely adore it.

What is he doing differently that makes the whole After Hours album click for me whereas almost all of his previous material failed to do so? Is it the energy? Is it the reverb? Is it the fact that the narrator sounds properly unhinged and, frankly, scared to be spiralling out of control? Why are the colors so beautiful yet full of anxiety? Why is that bridge so fantastic? How can you make your voice look like a glowstick in the dark?

I give up. I have no clue. At least I’m done talking about-

Oh.

1 - Blinding Lights (The Weeknd)

US: #1 / FR: #1 (listen sometimes something’s just that good, ok)

Surprise. Or not.

Wow, look at that, Johannes has put this year’s number one pop song at number one on their personal playlist. The audacity. The edge. What a hot take.

I discovered that song when it first came out at the end of 2019 and I adored it instantly. And I was so scared it wouldn’t be a hit. Which means I’m a f█cking dumbass considering it ended up breaking all sorts of records in 2020. But what can I say, overplay can be a blessing when you love a song that much.

Like every single song I put at number one on one of my lists, I will draw this one at some point and you will understand how incredibly satisfying it is to listen to a song called Blinding Lights, talking about city lights looking blurry when you’re driving at night, while looking itself like a bunch of blurry city lights passing by super fast. Perfect in every way.

Also it sounds exactly like A-ha, and that never hurts.

See you next year! Pretty sure it will be even better music-wise.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Today I seriously considered lying in the front yard of Mom’s house and seeing how long it would take for someone to wander over to find out if I was dead.

To be honest, I expect I would lie there a very long time. 

The spot was perfect, next to the mail box and the only open space in the yard so the eye would be draw to it. Right now the front yard is piled high with two mountains of branches and limbs. The town is supposed to collect these things, and two days after the tropical storm my neighbor’s pile was hauled off. My piles, started before the storm and now with things from this new huge limb, now take up the entire front yard and the town hasn’t taken any of it all month. The grass must be dead under neath  and the piles are as tall as I am. Still, they would make a lovely framing for my “corpse”.

But just because would people see me lying sprawled unnaturally in the yard  doesn’t mean they would come check on me. 

I’ve been hacking on that fallen limb for three days now, and since it was the size of a tree itself I have more to do. I’ve worked my hands bloody in full view of the street, and folks have been gawking. They slow down, sometimes point, sometimes just stare and don’t wave back when I politely do. They don’t stop to talk to me.

This is not covid-19 related, but the reality if a town of less than 500 people when you aren’t related to anyone and don’t belong to any of their many, many churches. You are an oddity to be stared at but not quite a full person to them.

Well, someone did speak. 

Ricky zipps around in his motorized chair several times a day, going down down many streets to nose around, speculate, and spread  gossip to anyone he meets. 

He has told me a few times what my neighbors think of Mom’s house and the yard. Apparently they are judging me very hard for not meeting their esthetic standards. A few times I grumbled back that he could tell them that if it bothered them so much they can lend me a hand. I’m just one person, with no money, and with no one willing to do some of these jobs even if I could afford to pay. I work very hard to try to keep the two houses together enough that between them I have a livable home. I don’t care if they don’t like the parts are over grown or the paint is peeling when I’m worrying about keeping enough floor to stand on and semi functional plumbing....

He didn’t talk to me for a while after that. 

The only other thing that has ever gotten him to not talk to me at all for a while was when I haven’t panicked over him spotting a black racer in the yard. Well, these snakes are non-venomous, tend to try to get away from people (thus the “racer”), eat pests, and darn it all, I like snakes! In this town there is a weird terror of all snakes when most are totally harmless. My shrugging off the snake horrified him...

Well, geez, they know I’m weird. They know my family was weird. Heck, my father used to have signs at our river landing telling folks to not shoot the snakes (they love shooting things here) and when someone had a rat snake in their house, who got called to rescue it...sorry, remove it? My parents and I. Did he really expect me to be scared? 

Anyway, today he saw me sawing myself to exhaustion on that limb and he paused his chair. He called out “Hey girl!” like he usually does. I waved and yelled back “Hey” but kept sawing. He stared and I realized he was storing what I was doing away. I wonder how he will spin my sawing. I’m sure it will be full of exaggeration and wildly inaccurate speculations. 

I expect this. The neighbor who came out to stare but not speak to me has told many a tale about my family. She used to tell people that my brother, who was staying in that house alone for a bit after my grandmother died until my parents could move in, was a wild one. She insisted he had women in every night, with coming and going at the wee hours. Actually, my brother was at our house playing video games until those wee hours, when he would drive around to that house to finally sleep. My brother said when he heard the gossip that he wished she would call him to wake him up when the women got there because he’d sure like to meet them. 

And then there are the stories of how that house is haunted. It absolutely is not. Members of my family have lived in it for 60 years and none of us saw a ghost, not even me and my imaginary friend was a ghost! My imaginary friend’s home was the barn behind the shop, not the house in town. No one that has ever even been in the house has claimed to see a ghost. 

The ghost myth grew when I refused to ghost write a history of the area for one of my high school teachers. If I wrote something I wanted credit, and payment. I expect, offended, she added the story about our house being haunted to her book to get back at me. I still wonder which classmate she roped into writing her damn book.

 While the house was built in the 1800s, as far as we know the ONLY person to have actually died in that house was my grandmother, years after they created the story. And her ghost, about the most unthreatening person you can imagine who died very old of a sudden massive stroke, would hardly be scary if it existed. Which it doesn’t.

And to this day at Halloween some kids and parents are scared to come to the porch because they have “heard” it is haunted.

So who knows what Ricky was saying about me. I already know I won’t get credit for any of my hard work. No one ever notices what you do, only whatever you don’t.

It’s probably good I didn’t lie down in the yard. Tired as I am I might have dozed off, only to be waking up in the dark and possibly eaten up by mosquitoes. I’m pretty sure wouldn’t have been interrupted in my nap, unless that annoying yappy beagle had run over like it often does to growl at me for daring to be in my own yard. 

Humans wouldn’t check to see if I was dead, but boy would they have gossiped about it. Geez, I wonder if I’d have encountered people saying “I heard you were dead!” because there cousin said they saw me lying in the yard “right before the ambulance got there” with my cause if death a subject of argument, but some insisting they knew someone that worked at the hospital that said.... and so forth . Maybe it would even take a while before folks believed I was alive and not my own ghost haunting the place! 

Now I regret not not doing it! LOL

[selfcareparker]

hi bae <3 reading that last ask i’m realizing i have no grammar? lmao

glad university is funnnn, when you said linguistics i was like 🤨 but then i googled it and it does sound interesting lmao

the too much free time part though... :( its like you expected to be thrown in and like WOO BUSY and WOO purpose (purpose may be going too far lol) but i totally get what you’re saying. ESPECIALLY when you expect to be busier and you’re not it’s like :/ ok. (& girlllll it’s fine to complain, it’s how ur feeling)

and bc of covid you have eVEN LESS STUFF TO DO, which sucks. the social part may help? even just a little bit, but maybe having some socialization.. it could be somewhat uplifting? idk gsjshsj

where i live the vaccine is for 16 and up right now but for the younger kids (12-15) it hasn’t been ✨FDA approved✨ yet so my brother is still waiting for his 🤠

okay really quick, how does drivers license work there? here you learn to drive at 16 and you can like actually drive (sometimes even alone in the car) by 17... (also burneks?)

YAYYYY GIRLLL i remember you telling me about how you haven’t seen your family in England in such a long time 🥺🥺🥺 i really hope you get to see them soon!!!! and that covid eases up so you can see them frequently again 🥺🥺🤍

i’m gonna tattoo that to my forehead “not being friends with your parents is unhealthy” EXACTLY!! the people saying that stuff are usually not close to their parents so 👀

i’ve been really busy (unfortunately imo lol) with my dance recital coming up and this singing group (which i don’t like at all) and my final tests bc of school i’m EEK but it’s a good eek i think? maybe? idk lolll, i can’t wait for everything to be over though so i can CHILL. after school however i have a missions trip in north carolina? don’t quote me on that, but yeah 🥰 i’m really excited about it bc i’ll be without my family (like on my own :)) and it’s this whole thing and i’ll get to know people and i’m gonna buy a new bathing suit that makes me look gooooood cuz i’m tryna cop a boyfriend while i’m there HAHAHAH but besides that... more acting and singing camps probably? most likely a summer job.. i don’t have any plans reallyyy set in stone but ya know (ACTUAL i do have a few things planned. but those are things i don’t want to do. so i will be ignoring them <3)

that was a long ass paragraph- but PLEASE UR RESPONSE WAS FINEEE & i love you ���💓💖💞💘💓💞💕 literally watch me buy a ticket to germany rn

- lovely anon (or catherine? i feel that lovely anon is iconic now tho so. kinda like how i call you aria in my head not your real name lol ALSO I PROMISE IM GONNA RESPOND TO THAT REALLY SOON, it’s just really busy rn) <3

what’s wrong with tumblr i just saw this a minute ago 🥲🥲🥲🥲 they don’t want to see us together ✋🏼 but fuck them 💘

Whaksk wait wdym by you have no grammar? 😭😭hejsjs

Honestly I’m so surprised that I’m enjoying linguistics but i think since i speak english and german i’ve just always been interested in language and esp english since it’s just my second language so i was forced to learn more about the language than just words and grammar, because it’s such a big part of me and also i didn’t always have a british accent so i kind of had to... develop a british accent, and it was natural but also kind of wasn’t??? Anyway why was this one sentence like 17 lines i’m sorry

YES OMG EXACTLY and obviously i’m missing out on the whole uni experience i mean I’m introverted anyway but i don’t mind going to a party every now and then? but i haven’t talked to a single person from my uni (except in class when we had to analyse a poem or something— okay technically some of my friends go to the same uni as me but they’re all studying other stuff)

But yeah I’ll definitely try to meet my friends more often 🥺 but we all have really different schedules rn so it’s really hard to find days where we both/all are free and not too tired and yeahssjsksj but i mean.... i can pay 50% of your ticket to germany? and then we can hang out? 🥰

I think everyone over 18 can get their vaccine from Monday on so I’ll try to call (okay, my mum will call sisjsh) and see if i can get an appointment. but i think everything will be super full because previously only people over... 50?or 60? or people with like illnesses could get it and now everyone over 18 can get it??? Like that’s a lot of people who can suddenly get the vaccine sksjjs but at the same time they’re getting quicker with it (i think today over 1 million people got the vaccine???? Like i know the US probably gets wayyy more people done so idk if that sounds like nothing to you but obviously Germany is much smaller so to me that sounds like a lot???) and also one of my father’s friend’s wife (djdkdj) works at a hospital or something? And she said she’ll ask if I can get it done there so yeah 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Isksmsjjs it took me so long to figure out what burneks was, i googled it (very weird results?) and then i realised i made a typo.... yeah no idea what i was trying to say lol

So in Germany (as far as I’m aware) you can start at 17 and you can’t have your test before you’re 17 years and 6 months old (idk why) and then you’re not allowed to drive alone until you’re 18 and then you still have two years on probation(is that what it’s called?) and you’re not allowed to drink a single sip of alcohol before you’re 21 (and drive) (cause in germany you’re allowed to drink when you’re 14 (if your parents are with you and allow it), then when you’re 16 you can buy beer and wine, and when you’re 18 you can buy everything. But you’re not allowed to drink and drive (even if it’s just 0.01 promille) until you’re 21)

(Okay I just googled and I don’t think you say pro mille/per mille in english sksjsjs but like the percent (or something...) of alcohol you have in your blood (idk biology sorry) (not that you asked about drinking and driving anyway? 😭 but there you go lmaoo)

Also idk if that’s just a UK thing or you also have it in the US? But all of my relatives from England keep asking me how often I’m driving with my parents (for practice)... and in Germany that’s.... not allowed? Like in england you can get these L (Learner) plates that you can stick on the back of your car and then you can drive anytime with your parents, but in germany you can only drive with your driving instructor during a paid for and legally organised driving lesson so. Kksskaj

Yess, the good thing now is that i can go to england anytime? Because Uni is all online anyway so it’s not like i have to wait until the holidays to see my family, i really hope i’ll see them soon🥺 it was my nana’s bday today and my grandad’s a few weeks ago so i’m painting two pictures for them tomorrow and sending them as a (late) gift next week 😌 (i’ll do like an impressionist ✨field of flowers✨ (that sounds awful sksjsjsj for reference i’ll look something like this: (it’s not mine i just found it on the internet while i was looking for some inspiration

for my nana, and something with a waterfall for my grandad) (looking at it now i don’t even think that’s impressionism? Idfk i had art as my subject for my a levels (like one of my final exams) and i actually got an A 👀 but it was mainly architecture and i don’t even remember that so

Ahhh I hope it’s a good eek!! Sksjj hopefully you’ll be done with everything soon and i already know you’re gonna do really good in all of your tests😌 but still: good luck ❤️❤️❤️

Idk if it’s actually cool? But North Carolina sounds so cool to me (but honestly you could have said any state and i’d think it’s cool sksksskm) And girl I still think it’s so amazing that you just sing and dance and act and omg ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

(I’m imagining us in a montage (?) like they always have in films while we’re shopping to get you a hot bathing suit😌😌 and then they always come home with like 6 shopping bags in the movies—)

This is gonna sound so dumb because who tf wants to work? But I’ve always wanted a summer job 🥲 like nothing too exhausting obviously but i’ve never earned any money by myself? I haven’t had a single job in my life (not that I’m that old and like only one of my friends has worked in her life like we’re young sksjsj) and yeah i think it would be really cool to have a summer job and earn some money 😌 but during the summer holidays (they’re only 6 weeks in germany) we’d always go to england for at least two weeks and then we’d drive to bosnia to see my dad’s family for a few days and then to croatia and then to Bosnia again sksksksms so i never had time for a summer job (obviously i’m aware that it’s a fucking privilege that i’ve never had to work and that i get to go to multiple countries during the holidays but yeah)

WHY DO I TALK SO MUCH AUSSKKSSM

Like I said I’ll pay 50% of your ticket 😌 i’ll be here stuck at home anyway, just let me know when you’re coming so i can come pick you up😌 (this emoji djskksks— but i mean it fits so i’ll use it as often as i can 😌)

Lovely anon IS iconic 😌✨ but Catherine is more than okay too🥰 so just say whatever you prefer ❤️

(And omg you never have to apologise for responding to my long ass, full-of-mistakes responses late sksjs take your time (i mean i wouldn’t be mad if you just didn’t respond to some of them i talk too much anyway <3333)

[deathvalleyqueen]

Update (I am going to try and do this once a day - it’s getting me out of bed for a bit to do this...) - 

I am alive, sitting up and moving is pretty hard right now. Mostly because exhausted/dizzy/muscle pain. - this doesn’t feel like a cold/flu at all. 

I was able to get paperwork yesterday for my husband so he can at least get paid while he out. 

Because I can’t get to a drive thru test facility without exposing strangers, my doctors are assuming and treating me like I have covid at this time. We are still seeing if there are other testing options - for non drivers & the poor how do not own cars - this onlyl drive up testing model is really impractical and excludes many from the ablity to be properly tested - this is something my doctor has seen a lot. There is one place that is walk up but it’s about 2 miles away - fine for me to walk healthy but I am really concerned I will collapse if I attempt to go that far on my own. I did ask the woman who infected me - she refused. 

Minion so far is okay - this is honestly my only concern and greatest cause of stress. His team is aware and prepared if Mini does in fact start to show symptoms. We are very lucky his home nurse is an amazing woman - she worked with her supervisors to make sure Mini can still get his infusion at home and she is bringing my husband easy meals to make for us because right now I can’t really stand up long enough to cook. She does have to come in full ICU PPE to do his labs and infusion, I keep saying sorry and she keeps telling me it’s not my fault. 

The frustration levels are high, my family is beyond cautious through out covid. We really followed every rule - EVERY RULE - and for us a very immune compromised family to be knowingly exposed to this and now likely have this is so infuriating. I honestly don’t know if I can ever be civil with this woman again. My landlord called for other reasons this morning and was minimizing the whole situation saying “It’s just a cold..” but it’s not... I can promise him it’s not. I am quite upset also that both he and her (she lives upstairs with him) have been out since she tested positive. 

I am not someone who wants people forced to do anything, but there needs to be legal conseqences for behavior like this - knowingly exposing people to Covid-19 - idk what but something. 

Personally today I feel worse than yesterday and keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow I will have enough energy that I will be able to boot up Cyberpunk 2077 at launch (7pm est btw is launch time) but right now I am not sure that’s going to happen. 

Covid needs to be taken seriously - by everyone please... because this is honestly the worst I have felt since I went through RAI... this is legit on par with being pumped full of radiation to kill my cancer... 

[lokiondisneyplus]

Today I left the house wearing a face mask for the first time.

I had woken up to the sound of heavy rain, which is always surreal in Los Angeles, and when I look out of the window to the hauntingly dehumanising sight of bandana-clad dog walkers, an eerie weight settles as I remember: this is our reality now.

I’m standing in the supermarket queue, a line dotted by crosses taped on the floor of the underground car park to signify our designated 6ft distance. Easily 50 people long and snaking around the perimeter of the building, I make my way to the last available X-marks-the-spot and join the other masked Bandits. I haven’t food shopped for over a week and am in need of supplies.

There is an obnoxiously loud man two crosses ahead of me ranting into his phone with such a high energy, the surrounding Bandits have allowed an extended social distance of a cross on either side of him. I sigh, remembering I’ve left my headphones at home, so am unable to tune him out, I wait and exhale, wondering how I am going to get used to the claustrophobic sensation of hot air and fabric condensing on my face.

Loud Phone Man is not wearing a mask and it's clear we’ve passed the tipping point of mild judgement, at least here in LA, where Bandits exchange a raised eyebrow, (about the only non-verbal Bandit communication available) which somehow magnifies the annoyance of this shopper - not only loud, but breathing indiscriminately all over us in this confined space… what does he think this is? Last week??

It’s Monday on #Week4 of Covid-19 lockdown in La La Land and as I shuffle to the next X I reflect on the journey so far.

After a whirlwind press tour to promote the release of Misbehaviour in UK cinemas (sadly cinemas were shuttered just days after the film's theatrical release – but it's available to watch online at home from April 15th!) I returned to work in Atlanta for Loki, the Marvel limited series for Disney Plus I’ve been working on, so am on set when I get the news that we are going on hiatus as a precaution due to the accelerating coronavirus, initially for one week. Thinking it would be longer, but still unsure at that point, I book a flight to LA to sit things out there for the time being. The next day Trump imposes a travel ban on travelling in or out of the US for 30 days, and with my visa situation and the pace at which everything is moving, it feels risky to fly to the UK in case I cannot get back into the country when filming recommences, whenever that will be.

So, with my housemate and her dog for company, we embark on social distancing, self-isolation and Lady Macbeth-level hand-washing.

Managing a constant low-level anxiety about my parents and loved ones, and friends in New York, London, Johannesburg and all over the world, I become consumed by the news, glued to the BBC website and KCRW talk radio for the latest figures. Like families gathered around “the wireless” in wartime, everything is unfolding so rapidly and the news, never this dramatic in my lifetime, takes on disaster-movie proportions.

FaceTime and WhatsApp become my lifelines as the reality of the pandemic is tinged with a weird detachment… a numbness I later realise was a form of shock that lasts for nearly two weeks and puts me into a hyper-focused state as I race to keep up, stay informed and learn how to adapt to this new rhythm.

I am of course aware that I am so privileged to be safe and personally unaffected thus far, but grasping the truth from what is overblown, and fact from politics and propaganda, give everything an out-of-body zero gravity quality; a new normal we are all united in.

Things are kicking off in the food line as my attention is caught by an exasperated Valley Girl three Xs ahead who finally explodes at Loud Phone Man, “ OH MY GAAAAD, USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE, CANT YOU SEEEEE EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT YOU CAUSE YOU’RE TALKING SO LOUD… WE ALL HAVE TO STAND HERE, OHMYGAAAD!” As she stomps her Ugged feet to the next X the security guard and smiling store employee (no mask) approach and I can feel a repressed inside-voice-cheer emanate from the rest of the line in applause.

The Bandit Couple ahead of me raise another eyebrow in solidarity and Female Bandit begins to capture a video of Loud Phone Man on her iPhone. The air gets thin, the energy tightens, “Hey Man,” Smiling Store Employee intercepts, Security guard flanking, “You wanna keep it down a bit, people are stressed, y’know? Thanks Man.” Valley Girl scowls, Bandit couple exchange glances, while still filming, Loud Phone Man defends, “I WASN’T EVEN TALKING THAT LOUUUUUD!!!” (Collective Bandit eyeroll) “YESSSSS YOU WERE!!!” Hisses Valley Girl, “Yeah Man, sorry you were,” Store Employee placates. taking the referee stance. I notice Loud Phone Man is wearing flip-flops, on a rainy day. He continues his conversation into his device, phone held to his lips, like a dictaphone, barely any quieter. “We have to be prepared…”

I sigh and feel warm breath on my cheeks. Mouth drying I look at my phone for escape and see that Boris Johnson has been admitted into intensive care for persistent and worsening Covid-19 symptoms. I suddenly feel very far from home and very sad.

I remember the things I’ve been doing to keep grounded and my spirits up. One of the benefits of turning out old cupboards was rediscovering my long dormant art materials. Painting, such an absorbing and transporting activity for me in childhood, was once something I considered doing instead of acting, but found it a little socially isolating - so acting won because it felt more collaborative. Now, of course, painting in isolation is perfect and becomes the most comforting of pastimes and a creative channel as I make images of my family and feel like I am spending time with them.

Understanding how superfluous actors are in a crisis such as this, I come to terms with the fact that staying at home, as passive as it may seem, is my contribution for now. Having the luxury of not having to home-school any children and knowing my work is pretty much on pause until social distancing recedes, I try to reframe this time as a chance to rest and refill the creative well. I read novels for pleasure, something I rarely find time for beyond work-related reads. I take my first Zoom yoga class (alexdawsonyoga.com), I join a 21-day online meditation experience (chopracentermediation.com), I take local hikes for fresh air and make first ever batches of banana bread and chicken soup. I even buy a mini trampoline online which, after a mildly challenging self-assembly, I’ve been sweating it out on to streamed classes online (lekfit.com) with a friend in Toronto, followed by accountability FaceTime coffee dates to virtually high five!

By the end of week two, the adrenalin crash truly hits and I’m exhausted from the constant rhythm shifting, news consumption and uncertainty. I’m an eternal optimist and good at self-motivating, but even when you’re Keeping Calm and Carrying on, you need to crash at some point. I nearly cry when I get my mum an Ocado food delivery slot - nothing has been available for weeks - and the “what ifs” that I have been keeping at bay with all my other activities release with relief and gratitude.

That’s when I discover Brené Brown’s new podcast Unlocking Us and find such solace in her calm and thoroughly researched words and conversations. Since her TED talk fame as a charismatic shame and vulnerability researcher, I’ve read all of her books and there is always something practical and nourishing in her work, told with humour and in a deeply relatable way - which I’ve found comfort in while in the midst of folding laundry, cleaning the bath or chopping vegetables.

Back in the food line and things are moving; the tension of the Loud Phone Man Vs Valley Girl dispute still simmers but everyone relaxes as they get closer to the front-door finish line. Smiling Store Employee does his speech on the new system: no reusable bags allowed, sanitised trollies and a one-way system in the aisles inside marked by arrows on the floor, to minimise contact with other customers. It all feels so surreal and regimented, but the Bandits, already drained from the 30-minute wait, constant Loud Phone Man soundtrack, near car park fight and everything else they’re all adjusting to, nod wearily behind their moist makeshift masks. It’s a bizarre sight.

Still chatting, Loud Phone Man makes it in and there’s a collective “phew” eye-contact exchanged between Smiling Store Employee and the remaining Bandits. Then his smile drops and crinkles for a second. “Yeah, he’s been in every day this week. It’s kinda sad. There’s no one on the phone.” The Bandits' brows knot quizzically. “Yeah, I think he has mental health issues, he just talks but the phone’s not on and he has no ear pieces, he just talks into it… 'They’re coming, we have to be prepared.'… I don’t know what to do.”

The reality breaks my heart. It seems to highlight the collective insanity we’ve all been processing and in that moment I just feel so frustrated at the state of the world and how this pandemic has exposed so many cracks in our society - from mental health to healthcare to privilege and poverty, everything just feels so raw.

I try to look for the silver linings and, among all the fear and anxiety and loss, I’ve been so inspired by human resilience, adaptability and creativity. I’m hopeful this great pandemic leveller will bring a new era of authenticity. An opportunity to shift mentality from Me to We.

Week three in self-isolation felt almost normal, which feels weird to admit. I’m getting lots of sleep and take regular meditative baths, which I’ve renamed Home Spa. I’ve found ways to safely contribute in my local community. When the shelves were bare from panic buying, I chatted with the manager of our local grocery store, who seemed so overwhelmed, so my housemate and I volunteered to stack shelves after hours. Although not exactly the front lines, we have fun and it feels good to give something back in our small way.

We of course negotiated to be paid in baked beans and toilet paper.

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

Break the cycle.

It’s been such a long while since I’ve been doing my writing, and I think that was a huge ass mistake. Been going down the spiral again, or have been for months. Friends have been feeling stressed for me too, and I absolutely fucking hate that I’ve been bringing them distress because I’m such a mess of figuring out my feelings and overthinking every single detail and scenario, etc. 

I’ve been thinking for a bit about what made me the way I am... Sometimes it feels like it was how I grew up. I mean, I love my parents, but there’s definitely some toxicity. I always suppressed myself - emotions, even being sick, because somehow the blame goes back to me. And growing up always being compared to that one cousin who does everything better, the critiques about every single little thing. The non-communication. Just arguments and quarrels, and then brush everything under the rug, pretend all is well. 

Which is why it scares me at how things are going with me and the guy I’m interested in... We don’t communicate much/well either. We don’t really have too much in common, we don’t really talk about much. Sure, the small talk is kinda sweet at times, the morning texts, someone checking if you’d eaten. Am I expecting too much too fast? Maybe because I feel like I don’t know him well enough that I can’t say that I truly like him. Maybe my confusion for my feelings confused him. My stress stressed him out. 

There’s also the disappearing mid convos, the selective replying, not initiating, not really keeping up convos... But for some reason I also can’t just let it go. I see it, but I brush it off. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe he was interested but thought I wasn’t interested. Maybe I messed up, maybe a bit too much that it can’t be fixed. 

Or am I just defending him again? Am I being blind-sided because of my feelings, because I’m holding on to the sense of comfort that he gave me when we spoke? Is it because I’m also clinging to the past, the fact that I didn’t try enough back when with the college guy, that he made me so anxious, that this time with this guy I felt comfort with, that I managed to try with, that is still somewhat sorta around? But I also shouldn’t let the past determine my present. 

This whole thing has been going on in a cycle for months. Us talking, things going good, he disappears for a bit, I worry and overthink. Sometimes I try again, sometimes I wait for him to return, and then tell myself to just keep it friendly, but then something happens and I fall again right back into this cycle. 

I thought I picked myself up enough and learnt to love myself. I really did. I was more open and chill, I didn’t really overthink, I had this period of peace and calm. But somehow my insecurities kick in and I seem to lose myself when I find myself catching feelings. I get afraid of how much I show my love that I pull back, and then I start to worry that they’re gonna leave. 

Maybe it’s also the fact that I’m almost 24 and haven’t been in a single relationship. I know, some people would say that’s alright. You don’t need a relationship and all that. But since a long time, I had always known I wanted to get married and have my own family. I wanted to be loved this way. 

Or am I holding on too hard/much? Maybe it’s time to just let it go.

It takes greater strength to truly let go. To resist not sending that one extra text. To stop talking about him, to stop thinking about him. I mean, if he cared, he would try too. He would check in. He would be there. But also, the odd thing is that he does check in at times. Does he still want to keep me as a friend but nothing more? Also, why am I clinging to the bare minimum? Maybe he was interested before but moved on. Things change, people change. It does seem like he’s not really interested in really talking or meeting anymore and is just trying to let me down easy. Maybe it’s just time to come to terms that: He’s Just Not That Into You (yep back to this movie again, and a heartbreak playlist too).

But then again, it’s unfair of me to make the decision for him if he’s never even given the option. I can’t be the one who decides that I’m too much for him or too much of a mess, I can’t be the one who decides whether this is too much of an effort, or something we could work with together. 

Should I tell him? If i do, it might be awkward and weird, good news is at least I don’t really see him around at work anymore. Things probably won’t be the way it was. It might also turn out good. Or I could lose him as a friend forever. 

Also trying to balance wanting to keep him as a friend while moving on. I can’t exactly avoid or ignore him if I hope to stay friends, and it’s not on him since I haven’t told him what I’m feeling. 

Or we could just leave it up to fate? If it works out, it works out. If it’s meant to be, well... But this was something I also considered back then, instead of just leaving it to fate, what if I fought harder? 

See, this is how much I’ve been overthinking every scenario and possibility. I’m truly thankful for my friends for their support and advice, especially when I’ve caused them distress too. Which I’m truly sorry for too. Not just to them, but to my parents, family, colleagues and more. 

I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve noticed that I went from my sunshine personality to stormy again... Being more tired exhausted, the loss of appetite, the mood swings, the sadness, the anger. But then looking at the pics that I’ve taken with friends, that smile. How do I wear my mask so well? 

I had really neglected myself this time while I was busy chasing him, along with the whole stress of work and its changes. Learning to go back and noticing my thoughts, separating myself from them, learning to cope with my overthinking and expectations. Going back to breathing exercises to calm my anxiety. 

And a close friend just told me that I’ve completely changed. Yes, I’m being more open nowadays, but then I’ve been a mess with all these guys and relationship stuff. I’ve been letting myself be more open and befriending guys, but not with the intention of dating, maybe I should be clearer about that? But i mean.. guys and girls can be friends, can’t we? 

But okay, prior to this moment, which I totally agree with her that I’m losing my shit, I was feeling better. I feel like I’ve finally let go some of my expectations (again), and I’m starting to see a glimpse of the old me again. It’s not as painful or upsetting anymore that he isn’t around, I’m just thankful that we’re talking. I’m focusing on other stuff, I’m not dwelling, and I’m able to say or initiate without worrying too much. Maybe that’s just what it has to be. 

I was even able to ask my friend/colleague to eat and chill, super impromptu too (learning from these boys now). It was nice and I really wanted his advice about this whole thing, but I didn’t really know how to. He did ask about him, since they got to see each other kinda briefly, but I guess I didn’t know how to bring it up. And he also had to leave to continue work. Maybe tomorrow. 

And also finally getting to talk to my counsellor again after all these months, maybe even a year or so. It was nice to finally tell her about it, especially the guy stuff, since she knew how things went with the college guy back then. I never tried, I never told him. At least this time I’m trying, still unsure about the telling. But anyway, she said she’s proud of me, and that really meant a lot. 

Also took the step back to 7 Cups, and I found this article about how when we get afraid of hurting others, we in turn cause ourselves anxiety: 

Everywhere you go, you walk on eggshells. You censor each thought, editing your words carefully. You overthink your every move, questioning yourself over and over again. Somehow, your interactions with others never go smoothly, and your conversations always seem to take more effort than they should. That’s what it’s like to live in fear of hurting others. It’s hard to be yourself when you’re constantly worried about how other people will perceive what you have to say and do. When your fear of hurting someone else’s feelings is stronger than your desire to bring who you are and what you think to the surface, life becomes a whole lot tougher.

It’s understandable and commendable to care for others to be mindful of how you treat the people you care about. But it becomes an issue when your sensitivity to what others want makes you suppress what you are truly looking for. Do you find it intolerable to hurt someone you love, even if it’s unintentional? Do you experience shame, guilt, or concerns about being a bad person, and as a result, you avoid saying what’s on your mind and push away your feelings? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re probably suppressing yourself. This can be bad for your relationships and can create chronic anxiety in your life.

I’ve also went back to look at some of my old posts, hopefully to get the courage, the reminder that next time I found myself catching feelings, I would tell them. Did come across this nugget from my counsellor: there’s only 3 ways - move on, let it be, or do something. With the college guy, I let it be, I moved on, I had faith that if we were meant to be, we’d find our way back. But speaking with her today, she seems to think it’s not necessary to tell this guy since I’m unsure about it, but if I did want a clear answer, I should. 

Now to take a long shower and decide what’s the best move. Or just to clear my mind. Would go for another walk but went for 2 already today, which I should really make a daily thing, despite being exhausted from work. It’s therapeutic, just as writing this was. It’s time to push myself to do things again, of course not overly that it strains my mental health, but it’s time to break the cycle. 

Thanks for anyone who actually bothered to read any part or the whole of the long ass ramble. Hope everyone is doing alright amongst the whole covid pandemic. 

X

[iamqueenkk]

cancer diagnosis

Hello dear friends, It is me, the stranger from down under who doesn’t really tumblr at all.

Life has again smashed me with a two by four. I have been having a pretty awful time with my ptsd, depression and anxiety since the pandemic hit, lockdowns have not been my friend and while living in Australia means I’ve been pretty lucky not to have lost anyone to Covid it’s still been a pretty awful  time. Especially moving house again in November (7 times in 6 years now… wheeeeee). June I had another awful time when someone had a long conversation with me about s*icide - which is a major trigger of mine. I had a rough couple of weeks since it then seemed to keep coming up. Mid June I find out that the government hotline I called was wrong and I was (as someone on the disability pension) in fact eligible for the (incredibly slow and badly managed) vaccine rollout. By this point so was everyone over 40 so it was a bit of a fight to get an appointment. Got my appointment for June 29, drove an hour each way to get there, had an hour observation because I have a history of anaphylaxis and the doctor freaked out when they saw the hives on my face despite my telling her they had been there for a week. A week after my first dose of Pfizer I find a lump in my left breast. I call my doctor, she organises a mammogram and ultrasound ‘just in case’. She tells me it’s most likely a blocked milk duct or a cyst. 5 day wait on the mammogram and ultrasound due to lockdown staff shortages. Dr Google suggests that a small number of people with breasts are having a lump in their breast or lymph node after the Pfizer and it can cause false positives on a mammogram. I’m reassured it’s likely one of those three things. Even on the day (Thursday) before the ultrasound and mammogram when I find a lump in my armpit which is quite painful I’m still reassuring myself it’s probably nothing. After the mammogram and ultrasound the breast technician on site says I need a biopsy. I speak again to my doctor the next day (Saturday) over ‘telehealth’ and she has the results of the mammogram and ultrasound and says she wants me to go to a breast specialist. Monday morning (her day off) she calls me that she’s gotten me into a breast specialist that day - “can I drive 20 minutes to see the specialist in about an hour and a half?”

So it’s Monday 12th of July, and the specialist asks to examine my breast, looks at the mammogram and ultrasound and tells me “I know you’re only 34, but I have to tell you based on my experience and what I’m seeing here, it’s a 1% chance that it’s NOT cancer. I want you to have a contrast CT to ensure it hasn’t spread, a mammogram while the contrast is still in your system and a biopsy today, then I’ll see you on Friday to discuss the results”. I spend the week full of ‘magical thinking’ trying to think up ways it could not be cancer and how I’m always getting the one in a million side effects and how just once can’t it be the good one in a million for once, forget the lottery - just let it not be cancer. I call my dad to tell him and he tells me “I love you, I’m sorry this is happening. Please don’t worry but I’m in hospital and have just had a stroke”. I about passed out in shock. It was just too freaking much to bear. Thankfully it wasn’t a stroke, it was an inner ear thing and my dad is fine. Friday 16th of July comes around and unfortunately I’m not, the results are back and it’s triple negative inflammatory breast cancer. It looks like I’ve caught it as early as possible, but it’s stage 3 (since there is no stage 1 or 2 for this type of cancer). Breast specialist refers me to an oncologist who can see me Tuesday 20th. They go through everything with me and send me for tests and checks and a medicine that will hopefully prevent the chemo from going after my ovaries (not because I want to procreate but because I’d like to avoid going into menopause by 35). I started double dose chemotherapy on Tuesday 27th of July. I have my next cycle of chemotherapy on August 10th. 

Sydney has been in lockdown since June 25th due to an outbreak of Delta. We locked down too late and the case numbers just keep going up. At the start of the outbreak only 4% of our population was vaccinated. Lockdown is hard because I’ve been using social interactions to stave off the worst of my depression and all social stuff has been stopped. It has also meant I have to go to oncologist and chemo appointments alone, my food delivery has been cancelled once in the last two weeks and who knows if it’ll happen again, my dad has been told by the health department and police it is illegal for him to come to Sydney to be with me during this horrible time, I’m struggling to get support staff/carers that are both 1. Vaccinated 2. Not living in one of the ‘hotspot’ suburbs, gyms are shut yet I’m supposed to be doing workouts in order to have the best result for chemo and mental health services are all overloaded. I’m struggling because I’m still in shock, it doesn’t feel real and it’s all moving so damned fast. Also it’s surreal that this week I’m not really feeling any different to how I did in June, just exhausted and depressed. I’m also frightened because the stats in this cancer aren’t good and people keep trying to be helpful and tell me how strong I am and that “your strength will get you through” but I have to fight not to respond “I’m depressed and a mess, if my strength is what’s going to determine my survival, I’m screwed!”

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate how lucky I am to live in Australia. The case number today was in our state was 319, the highest one day case jump in our state since the pandemic started, while that’s bad for us - compared to other places we’ve been so so lucky. In addition Medicare means that apart from being $60 out of pocket for that first appointment with the breast specialist, $6-$12 for the ovary meds and the meds to up my white blood cell count, everything apart from the parking is covered. The chemo itself and the oncologist as well as the scans and blood test are all covered by Medicare. Over the next six months I can expect to spend a total of about $300 on prescriptions and parking. I get how lucky that makes me. It doesn’t change that I’m living below the poverty line which is always stressful and this diagnosis is a huge thing that I just don’t know how to comprehend. I’m speaking to family and friends and usually feeling like I have to be cheerful and ‘hold it together’ when internally I’m just this pit of sadness and fear. 

[christihiromi]

I think the hard part right now is that I stayed so long because I was trying to help.

I still truly believe he stopped feeling “the spark” because he was depressed. I watched for the the last 3 years as our lives knocked us down over and over. And up until maybe the last year we were doing so good. We were going to make it through because we were going to do it together.

But the last year of COVID made it really fucking hard. We didn’t always agree on the world. My family loves to be hyper-reactive to everything. All our times that we spent together- at amusement parks and movie theaters, especially, disappeared. No more date nights to new restaurants or family gatherings or holiday activities. He worked lots of overtime for about 9 months straight. He still does some even. Since last March he’s been working at least an hour extra every day but a lot of times it’s two or three extra hours.

And it’s hard that I watched him disappear through it all. When we got together I loved that he was driven and interesting and excited. He wanted to be a filmmaker and finish college and hike the pct. There was a time when he sent flowers to my work for Valentine’s Day, made reservations for a fancy meal when I wanted to just use our Disney passes for my birthday, woke me up with breakfast (even though then he somehow took 2 hours to finish the pancakes), cleaned my face for me in the hospital. He worked sleepless nights for a week straight on his script while also working his normal job. He took on side jobs to get his hands on film work. We went on a last minute overnight to kayak and sleep in a cabin, even though he worked the next day. We grocery shopped together just to joke around and spend time together. He used to be generous and goofy and up for anything.

And now... a part of him still wants those things, but in that vague abstract way of wanting things when you’re depressed. In the way where you never actually do anything to make them happen. He stopped wanting to hike on the weekend, or work on any stories or do silly at-home dates. He stopped wanting to do much of anything except watch tv, order takeout, and play call of duty. He stopped Crucially, he stopped having the capacity to comfort me when I needed it. Who he was fell apart into that shell of being depressed.

He had hurt his back about 2 years ago now. Some stupid 21 year old kid hit him. It was the kids 2nd dui. He wasn’t even 22. Not even a year past the drinking age and still in his zippy little car with a stupid spoiler, making the same mistakes, and then never knowing the consequences of his actions. I’d march up to this kids door tomorrow if I still knew where it was and I’d tell him how for the last two years, my active outdoorsy man has had incredible back pain every time he does anything. Stands too long, sits too long, sleeps on the ground in a tent. So many of the things he loves cause him pain.

And as those things disappeared the rest of him followed. And I stayed because I know depression. I know how it makes everything harder and makes you feel like you can’t do anything. I also know it eventually goes away for at least a bit. You return to yourself and find new hobbies and rediscover old ones and feel joy and love and happiness. You enjoy the sunshine and you do nice things for people and you try new experiences. And you worry it’ll happen again but you know when it does that you’ll have built yourself a little stronger and a little more ready by then.

So I stayed and tried to encourage him and help him and give him whatever space or company he needed. I tried to wait and do with less and give more so that he could get through it because I love him deeply enough that all I wanted was to see him get through it and come back to himself and to me.

And then he realized he wasn’t treating me all the ways he should. And that circled in on him feeling bad. Bad for neglecting me. Bad for not feeling a spark for me. And that made him feel less and neglect more. And then he’d feel worse. And round and round again.

So there we are. We got through job loss and being broke and health emergencies and arguments. But by the time we got to the never-ending physical pain, the exhaustion of too much overtime, the emotional challenges of a global pandemic... I guess we just ran out of gas. I can’t blame him. I can’t be mad. There’s a certain amount of feeling sorry for him that he’s not himself. But mostly I just feel so empty.

He was my everything for 4 1/2 years. There’s not a single part of me that isn’t touched by him. Every time I can’t tell him something hurts. I got my first vaccine and couldn’t tell him. I went to the first ocean dive from the scuba classes we started together. The instructor was so much better than the ones we had for the class section. He would’ve felt so much more comfortable. But also the conditions in the water today were so awful that he would’ve fully panicked. You couldn’t see more than 2 feet in front of you and the waves were crazy. I want to tell him about the guy I met at Home Depot who started a company using software that sounds like the fire inspectors version of the same thing he did for his medical reports and so the Home Depot guy told me all about how to get around the IP protection his company might have over his work.

I realized that as devastated as I am now, and as much as I want him back... I want HIM back. Not who he’s become. Not this shell of himself who doesn’t do much of anything and doesn’t have the capacity to love me how I need. If he came back, it would have to be a new relationship. It couldn’t be a continuation. And that means I have no hope of that being any time soon if it even happens. And that scares me because it means it would have to be after time passes. And the more time that passes, the more chances there are that he’ll meet someone new. The more chance that it won’t ever happen for us. I guess time heals, but right now I only want it to heal the separate parts of us that are damaged. I don’t want it to heal the parts of us that loved each other, because I don’t want to find someone new.

Anyways, after a full essay, I guess it’s nice to have some slightly (but not really at all) cohesive thoughts.

[pond-goblin]

Did you know that before Covid 19 you could see live comedy up to 3 nights a week in St. John's?

These days it's less so but Thursday nights at Trappers is still on. I believe there is a night at The Station, and there is the occasional show at The Peter Easton.

That's enough shows for a decent, small, but thriving comedy community. And many of the names you'll recognize - Mike Lynch, Vicky Mullaly, Matt Wright - teethed on these rooms. They perfected their moves.

With that kind of success - these are working comics, touring comics- you'd think that the comedy community is healthy. But, surprise surprise, it's not. Surprise surprise, it's a hot bed of misogyny, a haven of little baby Jordan Petersons all gathered under their hoods of colonial patriarchy (they can access a dictionary, look them up, stop making excuses), feeling sorry for their own loss of powers, and finding, in comedy other men who share their views, who encourage their regressive behaviour with the weakest excuses of one sided rationale.

This is why the behaviour is dangerous. Comedy is work, and in the workplace today you get fired when you tell coworker that their only value in life is to reproduce. You would lose you job for being a known domestic abuser, rapist, racist - remember the dudes on the Lab airplane last year? - this kind of behavior is not put up with anymore. Except in comedy. In comedy this kind of behaviour is called 'jokes'. That only misogynists laugh at. Because, my friends, St. John's does not actually have a comedy scene, it has a men's rights group who pose as stand ups.

It's a scene without proper mentors. People leave here to make it big. If they make it big they don't come back. They come do a tour of the Arts & Culture centers between St. John's and Wabush and then they fuck off back to Halifax or Toronto where they can properly learn their chops and grow their careers. So the local scene doesnt get much tutelage in comedy ettiquette. That larger communities have proper diversity and a white man using the 'n' word (not newfie) is going to cause you to NOT get stage time.

When folks do move back from not making it, it's usually the mediocre comedians, who are bitter as fuck. 

They've had these big city comedy experiences, they are quick to tell you how the scene works in the big city. Or the parts that suit their own agenda. 'All patriarchal enforcing rules are sacred, so please, give us your rape jokes'.

If you are someone attending these shows you may have noticed that the ratio of cis white male comedians (and audience 'cause let's be honest - you're not attending these shows - or cult meetings as I like to call them) to, well, anyone else really, is high. You may have been told non cis white men arent interested in comedy. Show runners will say 'tried to get them on but they don't show, they canceled so they arent interested - right now I could launch into how this exists through out all types of work and how it is because the patriarchy -a man centric system of society where gender is binary and the female half of that is to have the babies and do the dishes. About how patriarchy has prevented those not under it's hood from advancing. About the glorification of the quiet, toe lining, mother and wife being the perfect woman. I could launch into how this is less and less tolerated in more and more social structures and workplaces - but you already know all that.

You know that the other folks arent there cause theyre exhausted from just trying to function as a secondary, tretiary human.

But there is another reason why there are less non cis dudes (and remember, racist) doing stand up. They are traumatized. Now, you may be thinking, 'Fuck off. Trauma is for veterans. They experience trauma, abused spouses and children. Telling jokes isn't traumatizing." And you're right. Telling jokes is liberating. It's an adrenaline rush. But the constant belittling of your work is traumatizing. 'You only tell political jokes, audiences can't relate to that', 'that women's humour, it's not for everyone'. If an employer and/or workmates did that they'd be a load of dicks. You could take your boss up on harassment charges.

They are traumatized because they HAVE been sexually assaulted and three nights a week they have to listen to a guy who has been brought up on confinement charges tell 'rape jokes' (when you're the raper it's funny, when you're the rapee, not so much). They are scared they are alone in a room dominated by men who think rape is funny. 

And (and possibly an enlightened but) these comedy victims are talking to one another. They know when a rapist is taken on tour, when a domestic abuser is on the line up, when the dude who tells the phobia bits is headlining. They feel unsafe, creeped out, grossed out. They have 'why they aren't a real comedian' splained to them by Shouty MC Smallpants. So they just opt out. They don't take part in open mics - or they do, until the constant nips at their humanity breaks them - and when you don't do the open mics, you don't get the paying gigs (not that they got those anyway. That's another reason why there are so few non cis white men in the scene. Did you know it takes 7 years longer for non cis white men to become professional rather than the 6 shows that cis white men have get under their belts?).

If an audience doesnt see themselves reflected on a stage, an aspiration of themselves, the material is unfamiliar to them, then they arent going to go to the shows.

How do i know this? Go to a comedy show. Look around. How many people aren't dudes? How many members of the audience are the nights performing comedians? How many jokes would you want someone you love to be the punchline of? At their place of work even? And if you don't see anything wrong with the evening's entertainment you are probably ripe for recruitment in the St. John's comedy scene. It's easy, ask a show runner for some time on an open mic and just get up there and punch down! Sure you'll be running your own room by the end of the month!

If you do see something wrong with it, here is how you can help. 

-If you are at a show and the performers for the evening are only dudes, complain to the host. Or the establishment (they want your returning dollars).

- If a joke is offensive, racist, marginalizing. Don't clap. Stay silent. Or speak up.

- Support shows with diversity on the line up. Make an extra effort to spend your dollars and your cheers on the folks who get the least time.

- Book marginalized comedians to do your shows, they need all the inclusive stage time they can get so they can grow.

- Call for leadership from senior comedians, producers, show runners. Tell them if they start acting like professionals, you'll treat them like professionals.

- Support local. It's deadly when Cecil and Mike's nan play Holy Heart - especially when comedy labourer Lisa Baker is opening - but the rest of year you can see weekly comedy in St. John's, head out to one and demand the best of the show. 

Now. Go Youtube some Leslie Jones, or Desiree Birch, or some Rosie Jones. Find some Lara Rae in the CBC archeives, she is everywhere there, and probably the most hard working, professional comedian in the country. Watch Miriam Margolys clips from the Graham Norton Show. Watch all the Eddie Izzard specials back to back.

There are humans in this city that are that funny. That arr inventive, outrageous, thoughtful, playful, progressive. They need the space and the respect to grow, to crack you up, without a single strangling joke in sight.

Check Facebook for weekly live comedy open mics. Demand equality, and respect.

[dearmomimissyou]

So yesterday I tried to make a post explaining the back story of what caused Sunday's mental breakdown to happen and I tried to save it to drafts after spending 30 minutes on it while walking Miss Phyre outside but Tumblr decided to cock out and didn't actually save it which led to another mini meltdown afterwards so I'm just going to skip the background. It hurts to mich to relive it a g a i n. So thanks Tumblr.

Sunday I went to Sam's house after donating plasma cause dad was working on the electrical and I figured I'd just spend time there instead of being home. Instead, I ended up having a breakdown on Sam's back porch. I started crying inside while in the fetal position on the floor and figured that I should go outside so nobody heard me. I violently sobbed for at least ten minutes and dug my nails into my arm because I wanted to punish myself. I also went outside because I wanted to destroy Sam's living room and I can't do that but I can destroy myself and my things. I kept wanting to smash my head into something and eventually I did on the banister twice and screamed both times when I did it. After some time like five minutes of so Nemo came out and tried talking to me and I blew up on them and basically blamed them even though it wasn't their fault. They were crying and begging me to get help dad came out too crying because he heard me say that somebody was tearing me down and making feel like shit about myself but he didn't hear who and at the time it didn't make me feel anything but looking back fucking hurts. Sam came out too after Nemo went inside I think to talk to dad about what was happening and she brought Nala Tyler's cat and asked if I wanted cookies or soda to feel better. I just remember ignoring her and being so annoyed with her in the moment.

Eventually I got to the point where I couldn't physically talk and typed a message to Nemo:

I want to me normal I WA. T to be fixed and go just can't cause miss Phyre needs attention and the dress fitting and I don't want to worry mom and tge family but fucking here I dpimg just that all the God dam. Duckknf time vsvauar I can't fucking control my stupid fucking brain

They asked if I wanted to go to the lds hospital crisis center or if I wanted to wait til tomorrow:

I have to go today cause if I don't there be an excuse tomorrow like I feel better it always happens

So they drove me home so I could get some clothes and stuff to bring to be admitted into inpatient. The whole time I was getting stuff I cried and kissed miss Phyre and told her over and over how much I love her and that I'll be back I'm not abandoning her.

So we get up to the access center thing and because of covid Nemo has to leave but I get taken back pretty fast for the physical part and asking the standard health questions. They also take my stuff including my phone and the pieces of paper that I wrote down all my problems on and a brief breakdown of my childhood traumas. I sit in a pretty okay chair for what feels like an hour. I cry a bit but nothing too noticeable when I finally got back to see the crisis counselor she basically said I'm very knowledgeable about my mental illnesses and told me that she'd let their therapy coordinator know to give me a call on Tuesday and also gave me her business card so I could call too and said as long as I'm not a danger to myself I can go home. In that moment I wasn't in danger of hurting myself more and I did want to go home instead of being admitted so I could take care of Miss Phyre but this was the second time a crisis counselor told me I wasn't in enough danger to be admitted like? Excuse me? Sorry my fucking emotions turn on a fucking dime but I absolutely need professional fucking help please?

She led me back to my chair to wait for the psychiatrist or whatever and that time I didn't have to wait as long. I got a turkey sandwich box thingy that came with a fruit cup chips and a string cheese as well as mustard and mayo in packets to put on it and tomatoes and Lettuce on the side so you can add them if you want them. I only had time to eat the fruit cup and started spreading the mayo on my sandwich before the psychiatrist came to me and we talked and he said the same thing as the counselor thag I'm very insightful about my failings and then put me on welbutrin instead of Lexapro and said I'm good to go home. I went back to the chair finished making the sandwich and then ate it while filling out their crisis sheet thingy that's like when I'm in a bad place who can I go to type shit. I still had to wait to actually be discharged so J ate the string cheese too. I finally left and had to wait another thirtyish minutes for Nemo to come pick me up.

What the scratches looked like right after being discharged. We went back to Sam's house because dad was still doing the electrical and we stayed there for another hour or two before going home. Don't remember much after the discharge honestly.

Monday was labor day and we went shopping I got my pills and stuff from Smiths. Then we went back home to wait for mom and Karleigh to get up so we could go to Joanne's tk make a playyard thing for aidrian and the dollar store for other stuff I don't remember. Then we went to the grocery store to get pita bread for dinner and something else I forgot but we ended up shopping and spent like 200 dollars. We also went to Lowes to get more pvc pipe for the playyard because dad apparently didn't get enough the first time. We ate dinner with Dave which was tikki masala and it was pretty dang good. Also before we got my pills I walked Miss Phyre for a while outside and she loved it. I decided to give her a bath afterwards since she doesn't wash herself and she was oaky the entire time she didn't meow or hiss or anything. She tried to climb out of the tub but not like in an aggressive manner like she didn't want anything to do with the water. She was such a good girl.

When Dave left we started working in the playyard. We wrapped some pink tulle on the sides and tied it to the pvc with some thin yarn. It took us hours to do and it was just mom Karleigh and me because dad went to bed. It was grueling work because my body was already exhausted from shopping all day and I had to hold my arms above my head for extended periods of time. My heels were in excruciating pain but we finally finished half of the playyard at about 1230 only to find out the other tulle we bought was the wrong stuff. It was too small to have it folded over to keep the sides secure and wasn't long enough to reach both ends of the other tulle so we had to give up for the night which actually pissed me off more than finishing it would have probably. I ended up only going to sleep at 5 am and waking up at about 9 on Tuesday but it was a nice cool day so I took Miss Phyre out for another walk and while we walked I typed up the previous Tumblr post. When I was ready to go inside and take a break from reliving the shit that happened I saved it to drafts so I could finish it later and brought Miss Phyre inside. Then I realized that it didn't actually save it and I had another breakdown but not nearly as intense as Sunday. It didn't help that the therapy coordinator never actually called me. I got a call from a bit for Intermountain that asked a bunch of questions like do I understand my discharge orders am I feeling safe did I get medication and do I understand how to take the medication and I had to hit 1 for yes 2 for no and 3 for unsure and one of the questions was like am I still feeling like I'm in a crisis or something and I had to hit 1 three times because it just wouldn't register it and that pissed me off and made me mad that it was automated and they didn't even bother to have areal human call and talk to me. After every question I answered basically they said were sorry to hear that well have a nurse follow up with you later today. I ignored both calls from the nurse because I just didn't have the energy to deal with it after the Tumblr thing. Like I wasted so much energy just typing it out and what little I had left just instantly sapped after I realized it was gone. The second voicemail the nurse left mentioned that it would be the last time trying to get into contact with me but also that our insurance has mental health advocates so thats something I need to look into.

Eventually Cavell told my dad that I needed to be watched I guess and since dad was still at work and mom had just left to take aidrian back home mandi came downstairs and spent time with me. Cavell told my sad that I needed to eat so he texted mandi to make sure I ate something and we went upstairs and made pizza and waited for dad to come home. After that we had to wait for mom and Karleigh to get back so we could go back to Joanne's to get the right tulle and while we were there I bought some double pointed needles so I could make some wrist warmers to hide the scratches. I also wrapped them up which just made it seem way more serious than it was since they were too close for bandaids to work right I had to use gauze and ace wrap.

We thankfully didn't finish the playyard yesterday we're supposed to some time today but hopefully I'll be asleep before then.

I also left the access center a review since they only had two. One one star review that was basically my experience and one five star with no description from an account that only gives 5 star reviews and seems like a bot.

Nemo wanted me to call the center for evidence based treatment last night because Google said they closed at 7 but when I called they closed at 5 so I called today instrad and nobody answered so I filled out their online form and I just got the response email from them so I'm going to hopefully get better soon I guess.

Love you always.

[aloneandunreal]

july 30, 20

i haven’t posted in a bit. i don’t know why i’m deciding to post now. i guess because i’ve been feeling a bit nostalgic (once again). just know that i’m always feeling sentimental about something - every damn day. before i go on, though, i’m just going to mention that it’s my sister’s tenth birthday today! i can’t believe she’s been around for a decade already. kind of mind blowing. 

anyway, this band called fog lake came on shuffle the other day and it made me think of the days i was really into them - i was about thirteen or fourteen. i remember the summer before my freshman year, i sat on top of my roof and listened to music, watching the sunset. i wanted to be like one of those indie kids in the films, as i always do. the last time i was on the roof was on my fourteenth birthday, at exactly 12. i was up on the roof with my cousin, as she was sleeping over the night. we listened to music and just had a weirdly fun time, even though we were on the damn roof at 12 A.M. it makes me smile thinking about it, especially thinking of the person i was then. i know i always say this but i honestly always am. the person i was then, the people i knew then, is so different than now. but at the same time, similar. i still get nostalgic about dumb things as i did then, and i still want to be one of those cool high schoolers like in the movies, though my time is almost up now, whereas then it was just beginning. at the moment, i’m listening to hey there delilah. my cousin and i listened to that song when we were on the rooftop for some reason; we were listening to throwback songs. the song really makes me so sad for some reason. this song and fog lake are really making me sad, thinking back on eighth grade and just my past self in general. 

it’s sad thinking how different the world is now, with coronavirus and all. if i told myself 3 years about all that’s going on now, i don’t even know if i’d believe it. speaking of corona, my school announced that we’re going to be doing all virtual for the fall semester. i don’t exactly know how to feel about that. i’m happy, but at the same time, it’s my senior year, and i know it’s basically ruined now. it’s not going to be a normal year. but it’s not like i’d do anything different this year, though. nothing crazy, i probably wouldn’t put myself out there. 

i’m thinking of my freshman year, and the seniors then. it’s weird thinking that that’s now... me. but i won’t have a year like they did, because of all that’s going on in the world at the moment. i kind of wish i could have a normal year. the whole thing with zoom is just going to cause me so much anxiety, having to see myself on camera. but at the same time, it’s not as bad as going to school at 6AM every morning, starving and tired for 7 hours. but yeah, i don’t know how to feel about it just yet. it’s abnormal. never happened before, so i don’t know how it’s all going to turn out. i’m still worried about college and all, and i feel like i have so much to worry about, but right now i don’t think i want to write about that. it’s exhausting, honestly. i am genuinely terrified though, as i’ve probably mentioned in every entry before this.

things i’ve been remembering in specific and have felt nostalgic about are as follows: my eighth grade graduation, the girl i was best friends with in seventh grade, and the end of ninth grade. i don’t know why these events in specific. i’m going to go through each one in specific, i don’t know why. i just feel like it i guess. i like going over memories over and over again and making myself sad... Ha Ha.

firstly, was my eighth grade graduation. that was the day i began talking to one of my online friends who quickly became one of my really good online friends. i’ve spoken about her in past entries, and we’re no longer that great of friends anymore. just different people now, i guess. anyway, besides her, i remember going to the high school, which is where the graduation would be held. before it started, i took pictures with my friends that year. my girl friends, and then these two boys i was kind of friends with. colin and aaron. aaron moved, and although i gave him my number, he never texted me so that was the last i ever saw of him. then colin, we lost touch in high school. haven’t really spoken since eighth grade. i took a photo with them, saying something stupid as we took the photo. god, i was so cringey then. anyway, then the graduation happened, all of us being sweaty stinky teenagers in a hot auditorium just waiting to get out of there. then we left after some more goodbyes, and i remember this one boy i was friendly with said “bye ava!” and that was it i believe. what i don’t understand is why i’m thinking about this, it’s not a huge moment in my life. nothing crazy. but thinking of each person and our history is what makes me sad. some of those people, it was our last time speaking to each other. and now, my last graduation is coming up. it’s crazy how much i’ve changed since then.

second is the girl i was best friends with in seventh grade. i’ve spoken about this before, so i’ll try not to go too much into depth. i miss her sometimes. we’ve always had this on and off type of friendship. we lost touch in eighth grade, and found different groups. we still talked, but it was obvious we were separating. ninth and tenth grade, nothing. this year was when we started speaking again, and it was nice and all, but not really the same as it once was. and i mean, obviously. we’re not twelve anymore. but thinking back on it, the peak of our friendship, makes me sad. i’m her friend i guess, but we don’t speak all too much since quarantine happened. she has another friend group anyway. honestly, i feel as if it’s my fault we drifted apart. i was so caught up with some other girl in eighth grade, and kind of just forgot about her. and now i’m not exactly friends with either of them. i wonder what would have happened if i hadn’t jumped on this other girl; if i had focused more on our friendship, that was more important than this other girl who is not even in my life anymore and was a toxic friend anyway. i wonder. maybe it wouldn’t be any different. i’ll never know, that’s for sure. all in all, i just miss our old friendship sometimes. i was thinking back on seventh grade, and first of all, god there are so many memories. but one in specific i’ve remembered is the end of the year. i was working on some project in my science class, incredibly bored, so i decided to make a google doc. it was basically a letter for my sister and myself for when she / i got older. i wrote questions like “are you still friends with ___?”, “did you start dating anyone?”, “do you still like [band]? you better!!” and some other (depressing) stuff i won’t get into as it’s not really important. that was almost five years ago, and i can answer those questions now. though i am not happy with my answers. i wish i could have fulfilled twelve/thirteen year old me’s little dream of what she wanted to become in high school... but i don’t think i did. and now it’s over. high school. i still have this year, but i don’t know how much opportunity there will be since corona and all. sorry, seventh grade me. i really let you down, huh?

lastly is the summer before my freshman year ended. i remember i basically failed all of my finals or got D’s on them. that year seriously sucked academics wise. before i failed said finals, i remember my dad drove me to school to take them, and i was listening to blue monday ‘88 by new order and mr blue sky by electric light orchestra. i don’t know why i remember that. that’s also around the time i smoked weed with this girl i was once friends with... but that’s a whole other insane story. thinking of it, i have a lot of stories from middle school and high school, whether they be good or bad. i always thought i didn’t have any, and it was 100% bland, but to be compeltely honest, it wasn’t. there are some fun memories out there, whether they involved school or not. even though i didn’t get to live my indie kid dream, i still had some memories that i’ll look back on. they’re not as interesting as some peoples’ but they’re memories nonetheless. 

to speak on the present, i’ve not done too much. i remember at the beginning of the summer i said i was going to try and write my own story. that never ended up happening. i also got accepted into the national honor society which i can’t really believe for some reason. i accepted the invite, though incredibly anxious considering there’s a lot i need to do in order to stay in the national honor society. it’s making me really anxious, but since of covid, i probably won’t have to do as much as they want me to. for example, they want me to do 2 or more clubs / sports / activities. which i do NOT want to do, considering being social makes me incredibly anxious. i know it’s dumb, but i can’t help myself. these are the times when i wish i was normal, and wonder how i’m going to get by in the real world. will i be able to? i don’t know. but other than that, not much has gone on. i’m practicing for SATs since i missed them (was supposed to take them the weekend before my school shut down... so annoying). i’m taking them in late september but i don’t know if that’s going to happen or not. who knows what will be going on by then in the world. so yeah, i’m worried about a decent amount of things. and it sucks. but it’s summer, so i’m going to try my hardest to not dwell on it too much. 

there’s plenty of memories i could go on about, like the times in freshman year i used to skip class with my friend and one time we went outside to the courtyard and took ‘aesthetic’ photos. or the time i was obsessed with this one boy in my friend’s digital photography class who was a senior at the time - don’t even ask why i was so obsessed with him. i still don’t understand why. i remember before school ended i listened to your graduation by modern baseball and thought of him, knowing i’d never see him again. god, i’m already starting another one of my dumb rants about stupid things and people who don’t even think or care about me. i’m just sad about it. so many different things; going over them in my mind. i don’t know when or if i’ll ever get over this whole ‘i’m sentimental and feel nostalgic about every single thing that’s ever happened in my lifetime.’ i don’t know why i dwell on these things, they’re the past. they won’t be coming back. i can’t change anything, or go back to them. sometimes i miss the people or just the experiences i had in some of these memories, even if they weren’t the best memories. i always glorify things and make them seem better than they  actually were. i’ve said this ten times already in previous entries, but i remember in seventh grade i specifically said “this was the worst year of my life” but now? now i kind of want to go back. for whatever reason. go back in time to that year, that time of my life, the friends i had, the life i had, the teachers i had, the things and activities i did. i want to go back and taste these memories one last time. not just seventh grade - but whatever i’m feeling sad about. 

anyway, i’m going on and on about nothing now. i’m just damn sad about this at the moment, and this being my last year of high school makes it worse. it’s all about to end - the kids i have known since childhood, the memories i’ve made since elementary. they won’t be gone technically, but they’ll be distant. i’ll be moving on to different things when i graduate. college, i guess. this will all be in the past, and i don’t know if i want to let it go. i never want to let anything go. each year i get sad about the past year, for whatever reason, even if it was boring. for example sophomore year. it was boring but thinking back on it, there still were some memories i go back to in my mind and kind of want to go back to. even this year i feel sad about sometimes. the beginning of it, more specifically. god, i am so stupid. anywho, i need to end this now. writing this and listening to sad music honestly has just made my feelings more prominent and i am just more sad now than i had been before. i feel dumb but i just felt like writing about this for some reason...plus, i haven’t written in AWHILE.

that’s all for now i guess. i’m sad. the future is so uncertain, and i guess that’s why i always go back to the past, and reminisce on it. by the way, i don’t know how amazing my spelling and grammar will be considering i’m tired (it’s 12:38am - not too late but i’m tired for some reason) and don’t reread this over / edit it. okay, bye for now. this was really dumb and basically just me ranting and going on about the same things i always go on about, but i just felt like getting it out. bye..

[vsplusonline]

Celebrities and public figures who’ve tested positive for coronavirus

New Post has been published on https://apzweb.com/celebrities-and-public-figures-whove-tested-positive-for-coronavirus/

Celebrities and public figures who’ve tested positive for coronavirus

The novel coronavirus continues to spread across the globe, and even the world’s biggest names aren’t safe.

While many celebrities and public figures have taken to social media to stress the importance of social distancing, some have also announced their own battle with COVID-19.

Here are all the big names currently battling the illness.

(This article will be continually updated.)

READ MORE: Can I go for a walk outside during the coronavirus outbreak?

Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson

Hanks and Wilson were the first big celebrities to contract the virus. He shared an official statement on his social media on March 11, writing: “Rita and I are down here in Australia. We felt a bit tired, like we had colds, and some body aches … To play things right, as is needed in the world right now, we were tested for the coronavirus, and were found to be positive.”

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pic.twitter.com/pgybgIYJdG

— Tom Hanks (@tomhanks) March 12, 2020

READ MORE: Employer still not letting you work from home? How to navigate coronavirus office upheaval

Harvey Weinstein

Film producer Harvey Weinstein arrives at the New York Criminal Court during his ongoing sexual assault trial in the Manhattan borough of New York City, New York, U.S., February 24, 2020. REUTERS/Carlo Allegri/File Photo

Disgraced movie producer Harvey Weinstein, who is serving a prison sentence for sexual assault and rape, tested positive for the coronavirus on March 22, according to the head of the state corrections officers union.

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Following the sentencing, 68-year-old Weinstein spent time at Bellevue Hospital in Manhattan for heart problems, according to his spokesman, Juda Engelmayer. He also has other medical issues, including diabetes and high blood pressure.

Olga Kurylenko

The actor and model tested positive for COVID-19 a week ago, sharing the news on Instagram. “Locked up at home after having tested positive for coronavirus,” she wrote. “I’ve actually been ill for almost a week now. Fever and fatigue are my main symptoms. Take care of yourself and do take this seriously!”

Three days later, she posted another photo of herself wearing a mask, announcing that her fever was gone and she was feeling much better.

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READ MORE: From custodians to abortion providers, how coronavirus is changing our lives

Idris Elba and Sabrina Dhowre

Elba revealed he tested positive for coronavirus on March 16, taking to Twitter to share the news with his fans.

“This morning I tested positive for COVID-19. I feel ok, I have no symptoms so far but have been isolated since I found out about my possible exposure to the virus,” he wrote.

This morning I tested positive for Covid 19. I feel ok, I have no symptoms so far but have been isolated since I found out about my possible exposure to the virus. Stay home people and be pragmatic. I will keep you updated on how I’m doing 👊🏾👊🏾 No panic. pic.twitter.com/Lg7HVMZglZ

— Idris Elba (@idriselba) March 16, 2020

“Stay home people and be pragmatic. I will keep you updated on how I’m doing. No panic,” the actor added.

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He later revealed that he had no symptoms but got tested anyway after finding out he’d been exposed to someone who also tested positive. He quarantined himself and got tested immediately.

A week later, his Canadian wife also tested positive for COVID-19.

READ MORE: ‘All it takes is one slip’ — Impassioned pleas from the coronavirus front lines

Kristofer Hivju

The Game of Thrones star revealed his diagnosis on March 17 on Instagram, alongside wife Gry Molvær Hivju.

“Greetings from Norway! Sorry to say that I, today, have tested positive for COVID-19,” Hivju wrote in the post.

View this post on Instagram

Greetings from Norway! Sorry to say that I, today, have tested positive for COVID19, Corona virus. My familiy and I are self-isolating at home for as long as it takes. We are in good health – I only have mild symptoms of a cold. There are people at higher risk for who this virus might be a devastating diagnosis, so I urge all of you to be extremely careful; wash your hands, keep 1,5 meters distance from others, go in quarantine; just do everything you can to stop the virus from spreading. Together we can fight this virus and avert a crisis at our hospitals. Please take care of each other, keep your distance, and stay healthy! Please visit your country’s Center for Disease Control’s website, and follow the regulations for staying safe and protecting not just yourselves, but our entire community, and especially those at risk like the elderly and people with pre-existing conditions. @grymolvaerhivju #fightcorona #solidarity #takecare #folkehelseinstituttet Thanks to @panoramaagency

A post shared by Kristofer Hivju (@khivju) on Mar 16, 2020 at 1:48pm PDT

The 41-year-old is best known for his role as Tormund Giantsbane, the much-beloved wildling raider, on HBO‘s Game of Thrones series.

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READ MORE: U.S. woman gives birth to baby girl in Walmart toilet paper aisle

Daniel Dae Kim

The Hawaii Five-0 actor shared a 10-minute video on Instagram on March 19, opening up about his journey to the diagnosis and telling his fans to self-isolate.

“I wanted to let you know that yesterday I tested positive for COVID-19, the disease caused by the coronavirus,” the actor said on Instagram.

Kim, who is in Hawaii and was tested for the disease there, said he was shooting the series New Amsterdam in New York before production shut down and he returned to Hawaii to be with his family.

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View this post on Instagram

Hi everyone- yesterday I was diagnosed with COVID-19, the disease caused by the coronavirus. Looks like I’ll be ok, but I wanted share my journey with you in the hopes that you find it informative or helpful. Hope you all stay safe, calm, and above all, healthy.

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A post shared by Daniel Dae Kim (@danieldaekim) on Mar 19, 2020 at 10:34am PDT

“It’s important for you guys to know that I was asymptomatic during all of this time,” he said.Kim revealed that when his flight was landing he noticed “scratchiness” in his throat. “To be safe, when I got home I quarantined myself in a room in the house and tried to rest on my own,” he said.He revealed that once he was in the room alone, that’s when the symptoms got worse, including tightness in his chest, body aches and a fever.He apologized to the cast and crew members that he could have passed the coronavirus to.

READ MORE: Costumed ‘T. Rex’ caught breaching coronavirus quarantine in Spain

Colton Underwood

Underwood, who starred in Season 23 of The Bachelor last year, announced in an Instagram post on Friday night that he tested positive for COVID-19.

“I have been following all of the social distancing rules since last week. My symptoms started a few days ago, I was tested and just received my results today,” he wrote in the caption.

“For anyone out there that is hesitant to self quarantine… please do yourself and your loved ones a favour and stay home,” he continued. “We will all beat this and come out stronger on the other side.”

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In the video, he said his main symptom was exhaustion, saying that he couldn’t “even walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath.”

“I consider myself pretty healthy. I workout regularly, I eat healthy. I became symptomatic a few days ago,” he explained.

READ MORE: Mom, sister, two brothers gone — How coronavirus ‘decimated’ a New Jersey family

Andy Cohen

The Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen host tested positive for the coronavirus, sharing the news on Instagram on Saturday.

“After a few days of self-quarantine, and not feeling great, I have tested positive for Coronavirus,” he captioned a selfie. “As much as I felt like I could push through whatever I was feeling to do #WWHL from home, we’re putting a pin in that for now so I can focus on getting better.”

He continued: “I want to thank all the medical professionals who are working tirelessly for all of us, and urge everybody to stay home and take care of themselves.”

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Debi Mazar

The actor shared her own diagnosis on Instagram on Sunday, writing: “I have just tested positive for COVID-19. I am ok. About a month ago, my entire home (husband and two teen daughters) got an odd bug.”

View this post on Instagram

I have just tested positive for Covid-19.I AM OK! About a month ago my entire home(husband and two teen daughters) got an odd bug- Low grade fever,headaches,sore throat,body aches,ears ringing and a dry cough.It cleared up quickly.Seasonal I thought?but it felt unusual/different… Two weeks later,March 15th,I woke up with all those same symptoms but super intense body aches,and 102.4 fever.I figured maybe I got the flu or..Corona?😬 I had had cocktails the evening prior,and smoked a few cigarettes. I figured I had jacked my immune system from having a fun night with friends.I called a doctor/friend to ask if I could get the Covid-19 test on 3/16.He said NO,I didn’t meet the criteria.I hadn’t recently traveled out of the country&I hadnt been with someone who had actually tested positive.I found this kind of a CRAZY criteria for a NY’er as I had taken the subway,gone to the theater,the grocery store,the pharmacy,hair salon,etc.I was the Mom who was trying to prepare the home and get supplies&bleach wipes,dry goods.extra food etc. Because we have Italian family in Italy and we follow the news closely,my biggest panic was why were they not closing schools in NYC &forbidding movement outside the home without permission,like China and all of Europe? Prospect Park yesterday,i hear was jumpin’! A friend told me that CityMD/Urgent Care in my neighborhood had test kits,which appealed to me as I wanted to stay away from the hospital. I went on 3/17.First I was tested for the flu-which was negative.Then they tested me for Covid-19. I was sent home and told to quarantine myself until I had results,which would take 3-7 days(in S.Korea it takes two hours) Well..today is day 5 and I just found out.Im hoping I’ve been through the worst of it already.Its very “morphy”.One day I feel crappy and the next I’m normal.Today my lungs are heavy,but I’m tough. I can breath,and I’m going to heal here,in my own home!My family is under quarantine for 14 days.They have no symptoms.I think we all had it possibly already?Who knows. Anyhow,stay home people!Protect yourselves&your loved ones.Build up your immune systems.Good Luck&God Bless us all! #alonetogether #physicaldistancing #stayhome

A post shared by Debi Mazar (@debimazar) on Mar 21, 2020 at 1:01pm PDT

She continued: “Low-grade fever, headaches, sore throat, body aches, ears ringing and a dry cough. It cleared up quickly … Two weeks later, March 15, I woke up with all those same symptoms but super intense body aches and 102.4 fever.”

After finally tracking down a COVID-19 test, she heard back five days later and found out she had the virus.

READ MORE: Air pollution plummeted in China due to coronavirus. It’s starting to go up again

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David Bryan

The Bon Jovi songwriter and keyboard player wrote about his diagnosis on Instagram on Sunday.

“I just got my results back today and tested positive for corona virus. I’ve been sick for a week and feeling better each day. Please don’t be afraid,” he wrote.

“It’s the flu not the plague. I’ve have been quarantined for a week and will for another week. And when I feel better I’ll get tested again to make sure I’m free of this nasty virus.”

Rudy Gobert

Utah Jazz player Gobert shared his diagnosis on Instagram on March 12, also apologizing for his carelessness at a conference that same day, at which he purposefully touched various reporters’ microphones, mocking the virus.

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On Instagram, he wrote: “The first and most important thing is I would like to publicly apologize to the people that I may have endangered. At the time, I had no idea I was even infected. I was careless and make no excuse.”

READ MORE: Live updates — Coronavirus in Canada

Kevin Durant

Brooklyn Nets player Durant tested positive for COVID-19.

Senior NBA reporter for The Atlantic and Stadium Shams Charania tweeted out the news on March 17, writing: “Durant says he is feeling fine: ‘Everyone be careful, take care of yourself and quarantine. We’re going to get through this.’”

Kevin Durant tested positive for coronavirus, Durant tells @TheAthleticNBA @Stadium. Durant says he is feeling fine: “Everyone be careful, take care of yourself and quarantine. We’re going to get through this.”

— Shams Charania (@ShamsCharania) March 17, 2020

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Sophie Grégoire Trudeau

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s activist wife Sophie tested positive for the virus, which was announced on March 12 in a statement.

“Following medical recommendations, Sophie Grégoire Trudeau was tested for COVID-19 today. The test came back positive.”

The statement says she will remain in isolation.

“She is feeling well, is taking all the recommended precautions and her symptoms remain mild,” it said, adding that health-care workers will “reach out to those who have been in contact with Mrs. Grégoire Trudeau as they deem necessary.”

The Prime Minister’s Office statement also included a message from Sophie herself, thanking everyone who has reached out to her with questions about her health.

Prince Albert II of Monaco

Prince Albert II of Monaco has tested positive for the new coronavirus, the palace confirmed Thursday.

Albert, 62, appeared to be the first head of state who has publicly said he contracted the virus. According to the palace, his health is not worrying.

In a statement Thursday, the palace said he is being treated by doctors from the Princess Grace Hospital, named after his famous American mother.

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It says Albert is continuing to work from his home office in the palace and is in constant contact with members of his government.

In the statement, Albert urged residents of his tiny Mediterranean principality to respect confinement measures.

Albert is the second child of Princess Grace — formerly Grace Kelly — and Prince Rainier of Monaco. Albert became a five-time Olympic bobsledder and in recent years has been a global environmental campaigner.

Plácido Domingo

Opera star Domingo tested posted for the coronavirus, which he announced on his official Facebook page on Sunday.

“I feel it is my moral duty to announce to you that I have tested positive for COVID19,” he wrote. “My Family and I are all in self-isolation for as long as it is deemed medically necessary.”

He chose to get tested after suffering a fever and cough.

Domingo finished off the news by encouraging his fans to take all necessary precautions, like washing their hands.

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Questions about COVID-19? Here are some things you need to know:

Health officials caution against all international travel. Returning travellers are asked to self-isolate for 14 days in case they develop symptoms and to prevent spreading the virus to others.

Symptoms can include fever, cough and difficulty breathing — very similar to a cold or flu. Some people can develop a more severe illness. People most at risk of this include older adults and people with severe chronic medical conditions like heart, lung or kidney disease. If you develop symptoms, contact public health authorities.

To prevent the virus from spreading, experts recommend frequent handwashing and coughing into your sleeve. They also recommend minimizing contact with others, staying home as much as possible and maintaining a distance of two metres from other people if you go out.

For full COVID-19 coverage from Global News, click here.

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meaghan.wray@globalnews.ca

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© 2020 Global News, a division of Corus Entertainment Inc.

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