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waterparksdrama · 1 year ago

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ok track by track review of Intellectual Property. GO!

as you wish anon. be warned this is literally like one of maybe 4 times i've listened to this album in full again

st*rfucker - a bit too saccharine on first listen but it has better replay value as time goes on. the beginning of the shoehorned jesus lyrics and the continuation of limo imagery to represent fame which is actually fitting admittedly bc just like a limo that is supposed to represent glamour and celebrity living, they are just as widespread and accessible as him and aren't really that glamorous at all. also this is me saying again wow he complains a lot about fame for someone who isn't really that famous. i still hate the cutoff at the end bc. cmon man. 7/10

real super dark - ok i did like the gilbert gottfried inspired melody i think that's fun actually. the song lyrics? uhhhhhh. just more complaining. if you have listened to any of the albums since fandom you are not missing much there other than the otto serial killer jokes he has inserted here? which is a choice i guess. instrumental is great tho. i feel incredibly stupid listening to a lot of the other parts of the song tho. 7/10

funeral grey - god i can't bear listening to this one on my own i'm sorry. live it's fine, but the studio recording i would rather kill myself than listen to again. IT'S SO ANNOYING. the terrible overenunciated vocals. awsten's attempt at humor by writing these wattpad fic lyrics that make me cringe to my core because i know there's a part of him being genuine. the one direction ripoff hook because he managed to get one of 1d's actual songwriters to help write the track. the only saving grace is the ending but at that point it's too late for any redemption. 2/10

brainwashed - ironically this was written with the 1d guy again and. i'm actually fine with this one LOL. it's simple and lowkey so it's considerably less annoying than funeral grey. considering awsten said the lyrics on this album were hypersexual, but it's 2023 so this is fairly tame, it just makes me wonder how much he has repressed in his psyche. 6/10

2 best friends - ok now we're back to simple annoying. if you tune out the lyrics enough, it sounds like disney channel filler music. but it's actually about ~~sExxxx~~ hahahahaha everything about this album so far is like reading fanfics clearly written by middle schoolers. awsten's sad about his situationship so he goes out with his 2 best friends to forget but it doesn't work :( but he could just fuck his friends bc it wouldn't hurt to try at this point. hey what if this was what the song was actually about that because in travis' insane songfic he made jawn and awsten hook up during this chapter #neverforget #riptravisficeventhoughmebitchingontumblrmadehimkillit 4/10

end of the water (feel) - hearing awsten try to hit those high notes reminded me of people saying brendon straining on his high notes on the last panic tour was like hearing a dog that needed to be shot out back for its own good. this is very obviously a charlie puth ripoff to the t because not only does he hit high notes that no man should ever reach, but i'm pretty sure the verse instrumentals rip off "light switch" by charlie. anyways more of "ughhhhh i'm not getting a text backkkkkk" that makes me want to throw awsten's phone into the pacific. i still don't know why kurtis conner is here and how this is supposed to relate to any of this at all. also actually now that i'm crossing checking the genius pages for these, the descriptions for these songs make them sound much better than they actually are lol. 3/10

self-sabotage - this one is mid on it's own but funny because i remember the amount of twitter discourse this song has spawned. "awsten's being toxic and misogynistic" did we not listen to some of the songs off fandom "awsten has bpd" what if he just sucks sometimes. the memories of this are more memorable than the song itself. 5/10

ritual - remember when i found out the soundbyte at the beginning was from an aids psa. good times. fine song other than the shoehorned soundbyte. the entire song is just a repetition of the verses and chorus like a ~~ritual~~ spooky! i like the flair vincente void adds with his screams i feel like this feature makes more sense because it's a song about protecting yourself from the doctrines of religion that harmed you when you were growing up and apparently vincente has known awsten since he was 13???? only thing i hate is the corpse ripoff ending so much so that i have a personal version where i edited that out. 8/10

fuck about it - BORINGGGGGG OH MY GODD. if you've heard one blackbear feature, congrats you've heard them all because they all sound the same and blackbear adds no energy whatsoever. he made a bayside instrumental sound boring you really can't underestimate him. anyways back to the song itself; the situationship has dissolved into pure sex and disinterest and annoyance outside of that and with the way awsten sounds like he plans having hate sex, i don't think he's ever had hate sex before. there's the ending synth i think is fun and that's the only reason this gets a point at all. 1/10

closer - it's a sweet song but um. haven't we heard this in a way before? *cough cough 21 questions* i think this is the closest (lol) parx comes to at a return to pre-fandom form, but when i listen to the chords too much i'm just like "did he lowkey rip off that one smashing pumpkins song". anyways it's just about needing to be closer to someone or ending the relationship completely. simple but effective but not nearly as effective as 21 questions for me sorry. 7/10

a night out on earth - ok i had physical tickets to the last tour bc i won them on idobi so i was like "THIS SONG BETTER BE AT LEAST DECENT BC I STILL HANG UP THE TICKET WITH THIS NAME" and it was at the least. it's like. a good waterparks song, but i feel like i've heard it already? my mind goes back to see you in the future but for these i can't tell who's ripping off who more lol. yeah i feel like other than some interesting production here and there it's a rehash of shit we already heard before. shoehorned religious lyric. fake ass band guys. "i turn my agony into songs and people only like when i'm hurt". "i've been dead since 2016" (part two). "i'm evil now. idgaf. wat ever."

and then i think the part that makes me go awwww but also confuses me is the im a natural blue radio interview snippet? like why does this all tie in together now. geoff's not even here bro how is this the only release where otto's the only one namedropped when awsten hasn't even named dropped him until last album. 80% the album is about some random relationship how is this supposed to tie into all of these.

idk i feel like i've just had this on my mind when when of my mutuals made their own analysis on awsten's mindsets towards life and said how he uses fear as motivation but his perfectionism keeps him from using failure as an editor and how this song was the peak example of this; the rehash of the same ideas over and over because despite his stubbornness, despite "ultimately -not- giving in to the perception that you’re worth ‘Demonizing'", he never confronts the problem for real, just compartmentalizes the problem away and doesn't truly overcome the root of his problems. that's what i feel like manifests in this album for me to be put off by it at its core. nothing ever changes, he just finds a new situation to complain at. maybe that's also why his fans never change even as new ones come though. maybe that's why we also stay stagnant in this with him.

again i get it, he's a public figure; if he did dive too deep into this and didn't choose to generalize the lyrics for his own sake, he would probably end up incriminating himself way too much and have a hard time performing some of these songs. but i can't help but wonder. if he's truly getting over a mental obstacle like that, or keeps himself so set on the future that he ignores the problems he never solved. like he always does. like he always seems to be doomed to. anyways, 7/10 song.

all in all, it's an album that tries to reach a concept of coming to terms with your sexuality and religious trauma all entwined in fame but in reality it's mostly just about a sucky situationship and awsten complaining again while putting in random religious references sometimes and the beginning and ending are about fame. my hot takes are: tennis imagery = gay sex, there's not enough of a distinction between "soulsucker" and awsten to make "album lore" when the overarching concept of parx's discography is "awsten's life sucks", and darth vader is luke's father. - iz

#i hope you liked this one anon and i hope it explains or relates to any other longtime fan's thoughts on the album #track by track

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lab-trash · 6 months ago

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Hi, pinned post time, after like literally four years.

Name: Conner (that's Connor with an e)

Pronouns: They/Them

Fandoms: LREF, Stranger Things, It, Supernatural, Psych, Red vs Blue (up to S14)

Ships:

My ships and headcannons (LREF/Misc.),

Steddie, Byler, Jargyle, Ronance

Reddie, Stenbrough, (moderate Stan and/or Bill x Mike enjoyer, don't actively ship them)

Destiel, Sabriel, Klarker

(Shassie; don't actively ship it, but enjoy content for it)

Grimmons, Tuckington (Carolina x Grey enjoyer, Churboose enjoyer; don't actively ship them though)

Side Blogs you may know me as: @im-not-a-l0ser , @anime-related , @lab-of-trash-prompts

AO3: lab_trash

While I'm a mono-shipper, I really have nothing against multi-shippers. However, if I'm talking about a ship, don't bring up another ship including one of my ship's characters. You're just going to make me uncomfortable and, frankly, annoyed. And I'm sorry about that.

Polls

Polls are put up to hear the opinions of other people In the fandom. Even after a poll is complete, feel free to comment or reblog with your take/opinion on it.

Where is Centium City (complete)

Who partakes in weed (complete)

Bree Substances (complete)

Kaz Substances (complete)

Skylar Substances (complete)

Oliver Substances (complete)

Chase Substances (complete)

Marcus on the Elite Force (complete)

Marcus in my LREF rewrite (complete)

Oliver's Superpowers (complete)

Lab Rats MPREG Storyline (complete)

Fics

Quite frankly I can't list all my LREF fics here, so here's a link to that specific section of my AO3. Or, if you prefer just Mighty Med fics or Lab Rats fics.

But here are some of the ones I'm proudest of. The title link will have the AO3 link, and the chapter numbers will have the Tumblr links.

The L in LREF Stands For Leo: Prologue, Ep1,

Villain Arcane: Chapter List (Prologue + 10 Chapters)

(No) Thanks For The Memories: One-Shot

How Tecton Came Out: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Please leave comments, any and all feedback

Prompts

Here are some of the prompts that I've written! Like it says in my bio: all prompts are up for grabs, just credit me when you write it.

Fandom Neutral Prompts

Near Death Experience Prompt

The Kook and The Cop

Oblivious Friends (need more of this)

LREF Masterlist

Supernatural Masterlist

Stranger Things Masterlist

(For fandom neutral prompts, check out my side blog, @lab-of-trash-prompts)

Misc.

Confused about my profile picture? Don't worry, it's confusing. Here's where it came from.

Send me questions reguarding my ships

#pinned post

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abugwritesstuff · 1 year ago

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hi! i’ve sent this to a couple other of my favorite COD writers, but it’s a psycho-analysis thing on guy that i wanted to share as im curious about other’s thoughts. i should mention that i am a psych student with a special interest in male psychological trauma and “toxic masculinity” (put in quotes because idk the scientific term for it lmao)

warnings for slight spoilers, i don’t believe there’s much of anything too triggering, just some mention of sexism in avari, and parental/generational trauma, but nothing too detailed.

(and j*sper jumpscare at the end but it’s just slander)

this also isn’t at all and excuse for abuse or anything of the sort, and that’s not what i specialize in either; it’s more like a deeper analysis of internalized sexism, now if guy did anything on the level of j*sper or got physical or anything, i would not be writing this.

so, guy starts off very controlling (literally using mind control), but when you play his route + events (specifically the ones where he goes to avari) a much deeper story unfolds. it is my understanding that avari has very different thoughts on women, and we even see guy tell MC that his father told him all women are cruel and only want power. i believe guy has been told all his life negative things about women, and that all he has seen was his father marry for power after his mother passed. we also see in a route that guy was much more open when his mom was alive, but closed his heart to everyone when she was killed. it is also seen that guy assumed his mother was murdered by other women. so, Guy has been told all his life these things about women, ever since he was a child, and never had the chance to see any differently as he never opened up to another woman until MC.

now this is where the beauty comes in. after a while, guy begins to truly love MC for herself and not just her power, and even tells her what he was told about women and says she changed that. guy was able to swallow his ego and be emotionally open to MC and begin to see her as an individual and not just a vessel for power. guy defends her to her father and tells him off saying that he truly loves her and no other, and it is not just because of her power, and that she will make a fine queen. we see him praise her throughout his stories and events, and through his thoughts we see he is truly a changed man who has changed his outlook on women through his love for MC.

although he is not yet open to fully sharing his thoughts quite yet, we see that he is actively working on himself for MC.

we also see a boyish side come out of him during these emotional moments, that i believe to be trauma regression and suppressed feelings that he has had to endure due to the excessively violent and aggressive nature of avari. i truly think guy’s initial act towards MC is due to trauma and abuse he suffered in avari, and he only begun realizing he was lied to and was wrong about women through his relationship with MC. guy is actually my favorite character because of this, and i think it’s truly a beautifully complex story that the creators made. also, i love how his toxic masculinity was turned around and how it tells the story that growing up in such a toxic environment can truly damage a man.

j*sper is a whole different story, bro is just a perv who deserves cancer.

sorry, this is about to be super rambl-y! i go off on some related tangents here lol

yeah this is interesting! i guess i disagree in that i don't actually think that the CoD writers have really fleshed him out as well as we in the fandom have and that has always been the core of my distaste for his character, and why i prefer him in fic form 9 times out of 10. 100% i believe he's traumatized by life in avari and the loss of his mom, and that his sexism stems from that, and because of that he has potential to be deep and complex in his flaws, but there's always a core to his character that just stays flat and unchanged, particularly with the event stories- he almost defaults to cruelty and rarely shows genuine remorse or legitimately, verbally apologizes*, complete with an understanding of what he did wrong and actual changed behavior. (i can distantly recall event stories where he does something awful, they have a relationship meltdown, they make up because MC gaslights herself into believing that she was being unfair, and then he continues doing shitty things??? like he's kinda emotionally abusive in some stories.) they do this this kind of half-baked character development with fenn as well, though his book 2 was a massive help in showing actual personal growth. i'm really hoping guy's book 2 provides similar evidence of change.

the unfortunate thing is that since i've been playing voltage games on and off for the past ten years, i'm pretty familiar with the archetype they're using for guy and have some serious doubts that they'll write him better. controlling asshole alpha male who has a trauma backstory and, despite falling in love with the MC, just acts like a complete dickwipe forever is pretty much par the course. so i'm a bit conflicted about the possibility that we'll get the kind of fleshing out of guy's character that we need.

as another note, the most i've seen (or at least, perceived) from guy as far as remedying his sexism is him deciding MC is an exception to the general rule that women are bad. he's had some genuinely selfless moments for her here and there in stories, but none that would really give me an indication that his view of women overall is healing. and that's the kicker for me: men like that exist in real life, and when the woman they've removed to the pedestal disappoints them in some way, they're right back to square one because they didn't actually change their views. and the sort of change that he'd need to undergo as a character to unpack that bullshit is pretty intense, which is another reason why i'm skeptical we'll get what we need and why i prefer the fandom version of guy- and why i prefer the version that you've presented here.

tldr; the material to make guy an incredible character is there, but i think some details are missing and the legitimate development we need isn't something voltage is terribly likely to do.

*to note- this behavior is extremely unsympathetic to me because it reminds me of my dad lol. i understand why others have sympathy for it, but i lack the personal bandwidth.

#court of darkness #guy avari

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anxiety-banana · 11 months ago

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20 questions for fic writers

y'all i'm so happy i haven't done one of these in forever :')

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

93, but that doesn't count my 49 anon works lol

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

252,902, and i'm still disappointed by that number, because that means i could have written multiple novels by now lol

3. What fandoms do you write for?

oof uh lets start the list: star wars and marvel (and like three of its subcategories lol) are the current ones, but including past ones: white collar, psych, warehouse 13, almost paradise, and leverage!

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

so apparently most of my best fics are anon,,, i guess stick around for the official release of those?? but yeah the first three are anon

when it matters (white collar)

inevitability is a stupid, stupid, thing (penny parker fic!)

if you're so smart tell me why are you still so afraid (this is my one and only suits fic, i also hate it, but feel free to check it out lol there's not enough content in the fandom to keep it anon)

and home isn't quite the same, but it's far from unachievable

big brothers make it okay

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

uh YEAH unless you're writing in a language google translate doesn't understand or you made me so mad i'm avoiding giving my phone a smackdown, i'm replying to your comment

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

browski my fics are either fix its or "hey you know what would be fun? killing plo koon" so uh i did some digging and i think it might be call me what i am, call me a monster. that one was,,, a lot lol i have no idea where my headspace was when i wrote that. a lot of my angsty fics end somewhat hopeful but this one legit is angst all the way through

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

ooh!! lose ourselves in the moment is one of the fluffiest endings i can think of. i write quite a bit of fluff, but my main fandom also occurs during a war so it's a delicate balance lol

8. Do you get hate on fics?

kind of?? i've never had someone comment "u suck" on a fic, but i've had a LOT of passive aggressive stuff telling me i'm writing a character wrong, or that I write a fact wrong (i usually get these when i actually wrote something into a fictional universe with fictional, non canonical facts lol so i do get a little pleasure responding to those kind)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

lol nope. i have an appreciation for certain kinds of smut in writing, when they're tasteful, but even then i typically don't read far into it before wimping out

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i haven't, but i've written references to them into fics for people to find haha

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

yes, but basically my entire wattpad fic era was stolen on one of those weird bootleg fic websites?? honestly it was all crap they can have it

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no, but i'm hoping to translate all my fics into legible english prose one of these days. when will this clown figure out how to write is my question

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

i had one (1) fic in the works between @ashgryff and @ljbrary once like two years ago that never even got close to completion, i'm not even sure what happened to that thing?? but i remember panicking because i was terrified of messing up something and we were all kind of new friends at the time so it was mortifying ahaha

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

team "i crave familial affection" i literally took to scrolling my bookmarks to find one i love :') i might have to go with kanan/hera?? i just never get tired of them they're some of my favorite characters as it is

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

mmm so I Know, I'm Sorry (But You Can Do Better) is technically an ongoing fic, it's just a one-shot sort of thing that I'd really like to either give a full plot or just continue indefinitely but at this rate i have no idea if it'll even get another chapter

16. What are your writing strengths?

when i get into it, i pride myself on inner emotional prose, also people have complimented me on my dialogue before so i guess dialogue

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

plotting, pieces longer than 10k, sticking through rough patches to finish a draft

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

personally i only trust myself to do it in a tiny bit of french, but if it's done correctly i think it can be really cool

19. First fandom you wrote for?

sooo technically that would not be star wars even tho that's the first of mine on the internet, it would be Marvel, in which I wrote three paragraphs of a random movie ten years in the future after Endgame came out. it sucked, but look what it started i guess??

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

we've already established that i have a total 142 fics on ao3 so this is a struggle uhhh maybe Eternal, i was really proud of it when i posted it, also you didn't put those bones in the ground, because it took me a really long time to post after i finished it. i find most of the fics i hesitate to post are my favorites, because i don't want them to be harshly judged haha

that was long, thank you for sticking around!!

no pressure tags! answer any or none of these questions haha

lilly and ash who i already tagged and feel bad for double tagging, @ahsokryze @dashedwithromance @armchairaloof @twentyfunnybunnies and all who wish to join! i see this a lot but honestly if you want to join this, please take this as your permission! i will literally tag you if you ask me to so you feel better about participating

#tag game #ab rants #fic things

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dr-lizortecho · 1 year ago

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Thanks for the tag @crepuscularqueens! This was a whole lot of fun (I might love talking about writing- but reading is so much more fun to discuss)

Rules: generate ten tags (here) and rate them according to how likely you are to read them

-10 -> very dissuaded

0 - don’t care either way

+10 -> very enticed

nope -> if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged

1) Vaginal Sex: +10, if I’m looking at something with explicit sexual content there’s nothin not to like about this particular tag, though ngl it tells me almost nothing about the content itself

2) Robots: -8, unless robots are like super crucial imma not walk through the door- cause they’re just not my thing

3) Overstimulation: +10, it’s sexy and that’s all

4) Banishment: +5, as long as it’s got a happy ending for the character(s). Cause thematically it’s so much fun- like where do they go when they’re removed from home? Who do they go to? Who do they become untethered by duty and loyalty and obligation???

5) Bittersweet Ending: -10, my friends would have to have wrote it, I’m a hardcore happy ending girlie

6) Royalty: 0, depends on the story focus/set-up

7) Pegging: +5, soooo this is difficult cause sexy wise it’s very high, except if it’s m/f there’s a good chance some sort of misogyny or misandry at play

8) Exhaustion: 0, idk truly, my brain would just skip over it probably

9) (Character) is an Idiot: +10, so long as said character fits that within canon, like truly this describes one part of my of my ships

10) Implied/Referenced Child Abuse: 0, okay, so I’m very very particular and sensitive about this topic, and fan fic is so bad about it tbh, everyone was beat by their dad and emotionally tortured when it comes to fanon and even more so if they actually suffered abuse in canon. So I’m kinda weary about anything tagged as such even though I find it an important conversation to be broached by fiction. All in all it depends on the amount of nuance by the writer, if they even subconsciously try to apply levels to abuse and attempt to create apologies and excuses for anything not physical, the writers overall understanding of the affects of said abuse on the psyche and that it’s not just 🥺 “I have trust/daddy issues, fix me” 🥺 because time in and time out that is the narrative, that abuse doesn’t wire a child’s brain- that they’ll just get fucked perfect by some guy™️ and their trauma responses (which they’ve usually depicted as evil and gross) will just melt away, and then there’s the whole ptsd cropping up during bdsm but that really like makes me want claw my eyes out (sorry- I have FEELINGS about this subject as it pertains to fanfic/fandom)

No pressure tags @shipperqueen6 @13shadesofanni @ajna-eye-cogitations and anyone who wants to!!!

#tagged in #fic stuff

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killerandhealerqueen · 1 year ago

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Bl (or in my case, Bromance) actors question game

Tagged by @brazilian-whalien52! Thank you for the tag, I’m so sorry I’m late with this

1. Your Favorite Bromance actor(s)

Okay, so we all know who it is, right? We all know. It’s these two

They have my fucking heart

2. An actor that deserves a lead role

Ian. I mean, Killer and Healer is really where he got to shine as a main, since most times he’s either like...a supporting character or the fucking second lead. Stop putting him as the fucking lead, you bastards (the only time I’m okay with him being the second lead was in Love is Written in the Stars because he like...kind of got his own romance. So...there was fine)

3. Two actors with insane chemistry

These two bastards

Also these two

(Where is my S.C.I. season 2 you bastards?!)

4. Actor that deserves more attention

He’s such a versatile actor...I want to see him in more

5. The hottest/prettiest actor in your opinion

They are very pretty to me and I could stare at them for hours

6. An actor that you don't understand why they are so famous

I mean, he’s okay...and I’m sure people in the cdrama fandom are gonna come for me, but I just don’t...idk, like his acting? I’ve really only seen him in The Journey of Chongzi but even then...he really didn’t show a lot of facial expression and I like it when my actors show a lot of expression on their faces. Makes it more enjoyable to me. (He’s not even really that handsome...I’ve seen better)

7. The actor with the Best Voice

I love his normal voice but his subbed voice is like...so iconic. The minute you hear it all I can think is “That’s Jiang Yuelou”. But his singing voice is really pretty

Same for him. His normal voice is so deep you’re like...holy shit, my guy. But have y’all heard him sing? Jesus fucking Christ. His voice is heavenly. And deep. Best of both worlds

8. What is your favorite scene that really showcase an actor ability

Jiang Yuelou really had me fucking fooled here on the first watch like...boy why you treating your boy like this? What are you doing?

And then this scene...fuuuuuuuuuck me. We don’t speak of this scene but this scene...kudos to Zijun and Ian cuz fucking hell that scene must have been hard

And this scene, where Jiang Yuelou basically made himself from drinking and crying so heavily because he thought he killed his beloved Chen Yuzhi

9. A drama that was saved by their cast acting ability

Psych-Hunter. Honestly, the drama could have been really good if we just took out the useless female lead who was literally only there for romance reasons. She did nothing to move the plot along. Ming Hao and Dong Qin were the only things keeping me from dropping the drama (the cases were interesting though so I wanted to keep going. Would have enjoyed it more if the girl wasn’t there)

10. Actor that you wish you could steal their style

Gimme their style, fuck. I wanna pull off these off so bad, especially Mao Zijun’s second outfit

Tagging: @ahhhnorealnamesallowed @nineninepetals @marulo @hyperbolicgrinch @fourth-quartet @zzzhoonie @dramaloverrants and anyone else who wants to play

#tag game #no one is surprised that like 95% of these pictures of mao zijun and ian yi #no one's surprised #i love them a normal amount #okay?

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demonio-fleurs · 11 months ago

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4, 10, 40, 49!!

this has been sitting in my draft box for way too long i am SO sorry haha

4. What detail in [insert fic] are you really proud of?

once upon a time, when i wrote for the rvb fandom, i had this conversation with a friend about how agent washington probably ended up picking up similar habits/tastes to the director, because of the impact on the epsilon AI on his psyche

so i came up with this idea that wash used to hate coffee. but one day he just started loving it and had no idea why, until he talked to carolina about it and realized it was something the director used to do, and i wrote a fic about it!

i'm particularly proud of not a particular detail, but the overall feeling of the fic. it doesn't hit you until the end when carolina is talking why the sudden preference change is so important, because tastes change over time. but then you realize why and it becomes kinda angsty. i think i really nailed the vibes i was going for in the end

it's called a cup of coffee in the morning and i love it

10. How do you decide what to write?

it depends. sometimes an idea comes to me and it stews around in my head for so long i absolutely have to get it out. other times i'm just bored and looking for something to write, so i look for prompts or suggestions. it's all based on how i'm feeling!

40. Do you tend to reread fics or are you a one-and-done kind of person?

when i was younger i used to be a one and done kind of person, but as i've gotten older i've realized that there is an importance in reading your own fic. sure, it might make me cringe, but if i can't enjoy my own writing how am i supposed to expect someone else to enjoy it?

plus re-reading is important for consistency and editing!

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

i'm supposed to be writing a longfic to wrap up my AU where tex lives and be done with my time writing for rvb. sadly, as i predicted, my nanowrimo goals were too hard for me to keep up with due to work, and balancing my other two hobbies (gaming and the one piece tcg)

but here's a few lines from the prologue that i'm proud of !! i haven't touched it in a few weeks.... and i need to ;-;

“Of course.” Omega said, before disappearing to get her suit ready.

Taking a deep breath, and closing here eyes, Tex pressed the button.

“Hello? Hello-o? Oh, hey, someone finally picked up! Good afternoon dude! How’s it hanging on Vik… Vikanus? What a weird name for a planet. Who makes a name for a planet with the word ‘anus’ in it?” The voice rung throughout the tiny room, and Tex just sat there for a moment, staring at the helmet in her hands in shock.

“You’ve got twenty seconds to tell me who the hell you are, how the fuck you were able to contact me, and what it is you’re looking for.” she said, “Starting ten seconds ago.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Is that anyway to speak to a fellow compatriot, Agent Texas?” The annoying, grating voice asked, and Omega chuckled. He always liked it when she was upset, it made it so much easier to convince her.

“Five seconds, and I don’t know you.”

“Oh, c’mon brotato, don’t be like that. You and I are—”

“Three, two—”

“I’m calling about the Alpha!”

#answered #ask games #i am so so sorry this took so long for me to answer #i kept forgetting about it thx to my adhd and lack of object permeance!#or w/e it's called

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psychewritesbs · 11 months ago

Note

Can I ask your top 10 fav fics ever (from any fandom, if you don't mind)?

Also, just curious, is there a story behind your name "theanimepsychologist "?

Ah sorry anon, I'm not much of a fic reader at all to where I'd be able to come up with 10 titles. I'm not even sure I can come up with a top 3?

I just don't feel that passionately about fanfics if I'm honest.

As for my username, the animepsychologist, well... you see... I was feeling REALLY cringe this one morning and the rest is history.

Ok in all seriousness... story time:

This blog has always been something I wanted to do. Growing up, the anime scene was so not mainstream the way it is now, so I never really had friends I could nerd out with about my favorite animanga. Online communities were just barely starting too, so there wasn't the same ease of communication there is now.

Not me making it sound like I grew up in the Dark Ages.

But to make a long story short, when I was in grad school working on my Master's degree in Jungian Psychology, for every essay I had to write (and there were A LOT), I always struggled with not knowing what to write about. This was back in 2010~, right?

So when 2020 rolls around and I started watching jjk, I was immediately drawn to the way Gege was using Jungian Psych at the core of jjk's world and characters. I immediately knew that if jjk would have been published back when I started my degree, I would have been using jjk to write my grad school essays lol.

Like... I literally used Blue Exorcist to write one of my essays... I don't remember what it was about or for what class tho. But jjk would have been a MUCH better source material to use to explain complex Jungian concepts.

Et voilá.

That's how the Anime Psychologist came to be. Me being a nerd looking to connect with others about jjk with the grad school essays I wish I would have written back in the day.

Thanks for asking anon!

#ask the mental gymnastics anime girl #💻🐒

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heartofspells · 1 year ago

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For the choose violence ask game, 1, 7, 8, 9, and 10 please?

Hiya, sweet!

1 - the character everyone gets wrong

Jamessssssssss (betcha thought i was going to say Sirius, didn't you? haha psych) And look, I get it. We don't really get much of James through the books. It's mostly all favorable stuff said after his death, which is a common thing with everyone once they're gone. No one really wants to address the bad points, do they? And I'm not going to say that everyone gets him wrong, because they don't. I just don't think enough people look deeply enough into his character and who he most likely was.

James was an only child (have you ever met one of those? ugh) born to wealthy, older parents who most likely spoiled him beyond belief and inflated his ego to massive proportions. We see a small piece of him during SWM, and while maybe it's the worst point in time to see him, I don't think that's true. James was portrayed as clever, highly intelligent, having to try little to keep up and excel over everyone else. Traits like that come with worse traits attached. James was arrogant, probably a little conceited, and he was a bully, at least to an extent. People mostly ignore that. They paint him as sunshine and rainbows, always the bright spot in the darkness, never flagging or giving into doubts or falling prey to troubles. That's just not sustainable for anyone, no matter who you are.

Do I think James had a brighter outlook on life than his other friends? Yes. Do I think that was his entire personality? No, of course not. Personally, I think James was blunt and ran away at his mouth more often than he didn't. I think there was little he wouldn't say without thought. I think he was fiercely loyal to those he cared about but a bit of an idiot sometimes, too, especially when he was younger and very immature. There's just a lot of nuance to James' character that I've constructed in my head that's hard to find in most writing.

7 - what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

I wouldn't say hate, but I've become very cautious in what I read and whenever I see his name, and that character is Regulus. He seems to have become the Marauders fandom's version of a catchall character. The fandom seems to enjoy piling all their life grief on his shoulders, which is fine, do what you want, but again, I sometimes feel like his character is being stripped apart to accomplish this. And Regulus is another one of those characters we know nothing about from canon, so it makes sense to build him up into whatever you want, but Regulus was a Black. He took on something terrifying at an impossibly young age when he took the Mark. There's no way he would have survived any of that as long as he did or had the bravery to go after a Horcrux if he was so fragile that anyone could have snapped him like a flimsy twig.

8 - common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

I'm gonna do it. Hate me if you want, but I'm doing it. I'm bringing back the height discourse hahahahaha (i'm laughing because it's terrible). The whole thing is so stupid, I'm sorry, it just is. I honestly don't care either way. Big and tall strapping Remus or tiny Remus; Sirius as tall as a tower or pocket-sized Sirius. It literally makes no difference to me, and in my own writing, if their heights do matter for some reason (see: At the Healing Edge of Broken where Remus is taller than Sirius, but it's for a purpose and barely referenced at all in the grand scheme of things) I'll adjust them accordingly. But, in canon, inside the text of the books, Sirius is tall. It says so. Harry doesn't point out much about height throughout the series, but he does make a reference to this about Sirius, which has always led me to see him as tall, at least in some scope of the word.

And honestly, I blame the entire height discourse on the movies. Gary Oldman is so much shorter than David Thewlis, and it's become soooo clear to me that so many people draw their visuals for all these characters from the movies instead of how they're described in the books (possibly because they've never read the books; but even people that have read the books do this, i've noticed). Sirius has curly hair in the movies so he has curly hair, even though it's never mentioned in the books. Remus has a mustache in the movies so obviously Remus in writing must have a mustache and scars on his face and all sorts of other things for all these characters that are never even mentioned in the books. And that's a lot of opinions all rolled into one that I'm not going to go into detail about, but it bugs me so much.

9 & 10 were answered here ;)

Choose some violence with me ;)

#towering inferno of fandom #violence ask game #ask #answer #ask game #post in the toast

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captainrandomobsessions · 2 months ago

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*yeets a fucking table*

This is aimed at literally no one. I've just been anxious for two days and goddammit another thing has been added to the plate and we're at least gonna scrape that little bit off for fuck's sake!

Keep reading for anxiety-riddled rambling.

Uh...TW for Gore

*deep breath*

*ahem*

I am aware of canon. I know how canon works. I know it is there and I know that my favorite characters are not the blood-soaked bbys I want them to be. However(!), even though I will write my favorites as blood-soaked traumatized bbys, they are still, at their core these characters.

Now, you might be wondering what the fuck this is stemming from. Or not, I don't really care.

The first thing is Jason Todd. I love Jason, I really do. He's a fascinating character and deserves happiness. I won't give it to him, but he deserves it. I know that he has been written badly. I don't know if it's because I've been in fandom for 10+ years, or if I'm just really good at compartmentalizing, but I absolutely love Pit Madness while also being acutely aware that it's not canon (at least not completely) and that it doesn't excuse his actions, etc etc. I still love it. And I mean all versions of Pit Madness. Treating it like a deep-seated demonic hunger that needs to be satiated? Yes please! Treating it like a fever pitch of emotions that can just be sicced on people? Yes! Give it!

The same goes for Bakugou. I know he was kidnapped and so everyone agrees that he could never be canonically evil. But I also want him covered in blood with someone's exploded remains flecked across his face. All my favs should be allowed to be a little insane. For a treat. Michael from Lost Boys. Lovino/Romano from Hetalia. Albedo from Ben 10. Jonothan from JJBA. Etc etc so on and so forth.

The second stem is the fact that I really really struggle with people disliking something I like. It's probably part of the anxiety. Or maybe it's the potential autism (there is a long ass story there). Or maybe some other sort of neurodivergent thing. Idk, I'm getting a psych eval (mom's concerned Satan will somehow get involved).

I loved Blood of Zeus. It had flaws but there were hot people and I was watching it with my friends and that's all I really needed it. But a lot of people really didn't like Blood of Zeus. Logically, I know that's fine. That's how the world works. Some people like things and others don't. If everyone liked the same things, life would suck. And it's not that I think someone doesn't like me if they don't like what I like. It's more of the idea that I'm somehow upsetting you but liking the thing that you don't like. You don't like Pit Madness? I do...does that mean I'm a bad person? I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to be a bad person!

I had a full-blown anxiety attack when the newest Hetalia season came out because everyone was acting like if you like it then you're a nazi. And I'm not a nazi! I'm just sitting here with my AUs and my characters as I put them through hell for the umpteenth time. Or I'm reading World War Z and there were plenty of people talking about how American it is and stuff. And they weren't even bashing the book. They were just saying they didn't like it with perfectly valid arguments. And that's fine! I know that's fine! But I can't help but feel like I'm a bad person for liking the book.

Idk, it'll probably be attacked in therapy. I get to start with two therapists (my job made me go to one not knowing I had signed up for a different one literally that morning) next week.

#rambles by meep #internal screaming #I feel like I've been going insane #not fun #was gonna post this on reddit but couldn't find a good sub for it #uh...if you read me screaming into the void...you get a cookie and a hug #*hugs*#(: :)

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firecrackerhh · 3 months ago

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Yknow I remember in high school I was kinda into that whole Darwinism bullshit and thought certain people probably shouldn’t breed/be killed for the betterment of the human species and then I realized that was kinda fucked up because by my own logic I would probably be killed cuz I was born prematurely.

But no I think high school me was right some people really shouldn’t breed. Some people should be fucking lobotomized even I don’t give a shit, I don’t think psych wards could do enough, conservatives want nothing but to make life worse for everyone else and antis do nothing but spread their mental retardation around causing people to become so fucking retarded about certain media I think they should be locked away from society at the least so their brainworms don’t infect the rest of us.

Maybe if they got lobotomized they would be less fucking miserable.

Like for fucks sake these people act like Hazbin fucking Hotel is going to end the fucking world, how am I supposed to treat that opinion with any degree of respect!? It’s not like these ‘people’ would think very highly of me, why the fuck should I give them any fucking courtesy?

Why should I mind my fucking business when these dumbfucks are incapable of minding their own? God knows they love talking shit about the fandom, accusing us of their own sins, I know it’s stupid to get mad at this shit, but it’s just as stupid to get mad at a fucking cartoon that hasn’t done anything worth complaining about!

The only thing these ‘people’ deserve is a kick in the fucking ass and a concussion, not like they can get anymore brain damaged then they already are.

And the people who bitch that Viv “doesn’t do enough to protect children from her content” or whatever, like I have to wonder, do these people have like, parent issues? Do their parents not love them enough and so they expect Viv to be some surrogate for them? And then when Viv does something they dislike they project their feelings about their parents onto her and act like she left for milk 10 years ago? Christ, my dad is a fucking dead beat, but I got over that shit a fucking while ago, like I’m sorry if your parents don’t love you but that sure isn’t Viv’s fucking problem.

Like I hate to play psychologist here I just don’t understand how people like this can function in every day society without having meltdowns the second someone looks at them funny.

Antis sure love assuming shit about Viv and accusing her of wild bullshit, it’s not surprising if people do the same thing to them. Hell I encourage it if anything, I’m convinced antis have parent issues they refuse to address and expect the world to put up with their bullshit because they have fucking trauma or whatever, like boo hoo, get the fuck over yourself, just cuz you have trauma doesn’t give you the right to be a fucking cunt to people who haven’t done anything to you.

God, the fucking entitlement.

Antis need to grow the fuck up and touch some fucking grass, assuming that doing so won’t immediately kill the surrounding plant life.

🧨🔥~Firecracker out~🧨🔥

#tis i the werebitch #lmao don’t worry y’all I’m done now

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raccooninthedaytime · 2 years ago

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Tagged by the one and only @downton-not-downtown-smh thank u bae

10 characters, 10 fandoms, 10 tags

1. Pierre Bezukhov - Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812

Hey, my sideblog is the named after him for nothing. Multiple mental illnesses + friend shaped + voice of an angel = Ultimate comfort character

2. Dirk Gently - Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency

Whats with me and all these fandoms with long ass names? Watch this show, read this book, solve this mystery. My heart resides in this British freak of nature <3. Everything is connected!

3. Jude Duarte - The Folk of the Air series

She’s from a book, so i got no gifs of her. But she really is the definition of Support Womens rights and also Womens Wrongs. She means everything and more to me

4. Shawn Spencer - Psych

hes just a FUNNY LITTLE GUY!! Literally i think i watched too much of this show as a kid and absorbed his humor as my personality. Shawn, if you’re here with me in the room now, i love you king keep on keepin on

5. Annabeth Chase - The Lightning Thief

Yes, this is specific to the musical version if her character. No, i will not take criticism for that. I love her here in all her aro-ace ness. Next question

6. Jack Skellington - The Nightmare Before Christmas

Hey king!! Sorry sorry sorry Hey *Pumpkin King! We love a man who can own up to his mistakes in song <3

7. Elizabeth Bennet - Pride and Prejudice

AAA my girl my main squeeze. I’d kill and die for you. I’d start a book club just to hear your thoughts on it. You mean everything to me im sorry about what enemies to lovers did to you and darcy

8. Abed Nadir - Community

They do you so dirty, ragging on you about how you’re not living in a tv show. I see you though. I know you deep in my soul. #andamovie

9. Marta Cabrera - Knives Out

A queen, a girlboss, the main event. You are helpful even when you know you shouldn’t be, and you are the epitome of goodness. AND you’re a badass. Marry me now

10. Fox Mulder - The X-Files

This list is dangerously on the verge of leaving comfort characters and becoming some kinnie shit (a concept I don’t yet understand, okay, give me a break). This dude is me. He’s also aro-ace, he’s a mystery solver, he makes stupid jokes, he likes the spooky. Fox, you slay

Tagging: @sushi-salsa-squirrel @riotgrrrrill @acesophiewalten @peaked-in-third-grade @dreadful-windandrain @pamesjatterson @reanimationstation @ahrileinchen @cold-egg @anarchyarsoneldritchabomination have fun!

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momowho34 · 4 years ago

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So that story about Dionysus being the son of Persephone is awful and gross for like 10 different reasons but can we stop and just appreciate how amazingly they would get along? Like dionysus has mysterious chthonic connections on his own and both of them show evidence of being preceded by really old and dangerous figures and they both have rebirth themes and agricultural themes and I just keep imagining

(This isn’t for a fandom it’s just straight up Greek mythology btw)

———————————————————————

Styx: Yeah idk, I just... found him here?

Dionysus, after wandering into the underworld and passing out next to the river Styx, wearing dramatic grape vines, drunk as fuck, tired, entirely oblivious to anything ever, should be totally harmless but still has the faintest aura of the maddened screams of the dying and the roar of lions drifting around him: hnngh???

Persephone, tearing up: *gasps* new bestie!!!!

Styx: ??????

———————————————————————

Persephone, during their weekly visits, painting his nails: *sighs* it’s just.... so exhausting to be raised from the dead every year, y’know? Really fucks with my beauty routine. I love seeing my mom but being brought back to life is just a little tedious. Dying is like so much easier.

Dionysus, feeding Cerberus ghost pork chops under the table with his other hand: oh sweetheart I know. I’ve died and been reborn three times, did you know that? Exhausting. Every. Single. Time.

Persephone: omg dish!!!!

———————————————————————

Persephone, on the way to the fields of Elysian with Dionysus: I just don’t understand why you had to kill him! He was so close to reuniting with his wife... er- whatever her name was, but they were really cute and you know how I am about love stories I just... I’m so upset!!!

Dionysus, carrying Orpheus’s soul over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes: look, he was ruining my vibe, okay? I really value my vibe! That’s just how it is. Besides, he lost his chance to find her in the living world when he turned around and saw her. Now he gets to reunite with his lover.... dicey-universe or whatever her name was.

Orpheus, weakly: Eurydice, my beloved that I lost, oh how her beauty was- ack!

Dionysus, frowning, wacking Orpheus over his shoulder: hush, you. We’re almost there. If you start waxing poetic or singing about tragic love again I will throw you into Asphodel so fast-

Persephone: oh don’t pretend that you didn’t come down here to save your wife a long time ago.

Dionysus, scoffing: okay, but that’s different! I am allowed to be here. Ariadne just came down for a little visit, she wasn’t planning to stay dead!

Persephone: .....I’m not entirely sure you understand how death works, dionysus.

———————————————————————

Hades, sighing: honey I don’t want to limit your friend circle, it’s just that it’s dangerous for someone to traverse between realms like this!

Persephone: I’m telling you though, he is a death god!

Hades: darling I’m finding it hard to believe that the god of wine and partying is-

Dionysus, turning the corner, with his horns and thrysus and slit pupil eyes and leopard skin and somehow giving off ancient old god eldritch abomination energy despite wearing sunglasses and drinking a smoothie: ‘Sup fuckers.

Hades, backing away: dear fucking Kronos yeah that’s a death god, that’s a really old death, that’s an old as Tarterus death god, holy fucking shit okay have fun sweetie he’s free to hang out down here whenever he wants I’m going to go throw up have fun you two bye no way I’m fucking with this shit not today-

———————————————————————

(tw: people talking about sex)

Persephone: okay but you can’t have had sex with that many nymphs! I know those girls! Boroe, Khonoris, Nikaia, Methe, Pallene-

Dionysus, sighing: Okay, okay, it wasn’t that many nymphs and humans! Just... look, let’s stop talking about my love life and talk about yours, hmm? Like did you have any other romantic escapades other then Mr. Scary Pants here?

Persephone: hmmm.... well there was this one really cute guy that I hung out with for a while, Adonis. He was pretty great, honestly.

Dionysus: ooh, Adonis... I remember him, he was really cute- shit, sorry, I had a fling with him too but this isn’t about me, go on.

Persephone, rolling her eyes: ugh, of course you did. Anyway, he’s no use to me dead, and he got killed by Ares.

Dionysus: oof, Ares. Fate worse then death. Why was he killed by Ares?

Persephone: because he slept with Aphrodite, Ares really hates it when people sleep with his girlfriend.

Dionysus, reminiscing: oooohhh, Aphrodite. Now she was definitely something, I remember this one time we- why are you looking at me like that?

Persephone:

Persephone: you.

Persephone: you never told me you slept with aPHRODITE- *assorted sounds of screaming and crashing*

———————————————————————

Demeter, exasperated, during the summer months: oh by the Titans, you can’t seriously be telling me that you’re friends with Bacchus of all people.

Persephone: but why! He’s an agriculture god, you two should get along! Plus he’s not dangerous- ok, he’s a little dangerous, but like, not to me!

Demeter, sighing: sweetheart I assure you, it’s not about if he’s dangerous-

Dionysus, popping through a window, looking at Demeter: heeeyyyyy! yo, it’s Bread Basket, my favorite bestie!!! I’m doing real good at this domesticated planting thing, I’m a born natural at it hahaha!!! I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been taking really good care of the vineyards you helped me plant, absolutely no fires or villager beheadings so far! I promise no more screw ups- *glances behind him* oh my gods you stupid fucking satyr’s, that is the ONE plot of land that you’re not supposed to- Sorry Demi, gotta go good luck with the.... whatever it is you do, bye!!!

Persephone, staring in awe as Dionysus runs back to the fields and desperately tries to corrall the satyr’s in his cult that are munching on grape vines as the maenads cheer and throw sticks in the background: wow. I’ve never... ive never seen this side of him before.

Demeter, putting her head in her hands: yet another reason why I wish I had your luck, Kore.

———————————————————————

Dionysus, standing next to persephone, watching Psyche skip away with a box of beauty cream tucked under her arm: ....You know she’s gonna open that box.

Persephone: yep.

Dionysus: and that it’s going to kill her?

Persephone: yep.

Dionysus: and that doesn’t bother you?

Persephone, sighing: look, have a little faith in Eros. He’s a resourceful little shit, he’ll figure something out, and watching Aphrodite realize she’s been bested by her own son will taste like poetry. I can’t wait to see it.

Dionysus, whistling: damn gurl you hold a grudge.

Persephone, narrowing her eyes: only against Aphrodite. Only against Aphrodite.

———————————————————————

Dionysus: anyway I was *Baby Melinoe grabs his arm and he freezes* oh my god what is that

Persephone, laughing: that’s just my daughter, Dionysus. I think she likes you.

Dionysus: fuck. Oh gods. um- uhhhhh- what I do with it, I don’t know- I don’t know what to do with it-

Melinoe: *laughs*

Dionysus, sweating: oh no. Why did it make that sound? Did I break it? Is it- is it broken??? What am I supposed to do with this??? Is it okay????

Persephone: gods this is so going in the fucking scrapbook.

Melinoe: *latches onto Dionysus’s arm as he continues to panic*

Dionysus: persephone is it okay? Is it broken? Persephone I’m not kidding your husband honestly freaks me the fuck out I don’t wanna break your kid oh my gods

Persephone: she usually doesn’t like people she doesn’t know-

Melinoe: *starts to climb on him*

Dionysus: oh fuck, no no no what is it doing, Persephone I’m not kidding what is it doing, what is it doing Persephone get it off me oh my gods I’m not joking perSEPHONE-

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theonetheycallhannah · 4 years ago

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The Treatment of Captain Syverson-Chapter 20: Second Assist

Characters: Captain Logan “Sy” Syverson, Shane Benton (OFC), various other original supporting/secondary characters

Summary: Shane reunites with friends and family, hashes out some feelings, and gets real with Sy. Can their relationship survive her trauma? And the threat that still looms above them?

Romance and Smut Abound HERE!

Word Count: 4500

Warnings: Mention of rape, alcoholic beverages, violent imagery…feels out the butt.

Author’s Note: You guys are so splendid and beautiful! I can’t thank you enough for your support and encouragement to finish this piece. First, welcome to new readers! I know poor Henry’s injury and subsequent physiotherapy has driven some of you here, and while I’m sorry for him, I’m glad I can consider myself something of a pioneer in this particular genre and provide you some help for your newfound thirst. To my OG readers, it is to you I owe this entire work, parts written and incomplete, and I hope an eventual book deal. I mean to mention you in my acknowledgements, should this ever reach a willing publisher. You’ve inspired me so supremely that I cannot quantify it, even with the words I hold so dear.

Since my last chapter was posted, we’ve said a relieved goodbye to 2020 and a tentative hello to 2021. To be honest, this year has started out worse than last year. Lots of bad weather in my area this winter, my sister is currently on her way to a new life in another state, and my grandmother, the last grandparent I had, passed away in February. Those last two things have been especially difficult to shake off and recover from, both coming to fruition pretty suddenly. Amongst all that, I’ve been pretty distracted by my other fandoms, especially Marvel, and I’ve been reading a killer book series that I’m utterly in love with. (The Throne of Glass novels by Sarah J. Maas. 10/10 recommend.) But I knew I needed to get back into Shane and Sy’s story, especially given the new and rekindled interest in the subject matter. In all honesty, I’ve had most of it written for months. It’s just been a matter of finishing it off to set up the rest of the story.

I really hope you all enjoy Chapter 20, Second Assist, and would love your feedback and notes. You are all so important to this story, and your notes, reblogs, and comments are cherished. Thank you so much for reading! Love from Hannah!

Disclaimer: Unfortunately for me, Henry is not mine, le sigh, and all mention of him, his characters, any characters from his films, or his precious doggy, Kal, are strictly for transformative and recreational use. I neither ask for, nor accept payment for the work I post on Tumblr or AO3. Unbeta’d because this is for fun and escapism. This is an original work by me, Hannah. Please reblog if you wish to share. Please do not repost either in whole or part, as the work of anyone but myself. Thanks so much for reading!

Tags:

@onlyhenrys @cavillryarchive @summersong69 @titty-teetee @bloodyinspiredfuck @agniavateira@oddsnendsfanfics @omgkatinka @thisismysecretthirstblog @speakerforthedead0 @tumblnewby @suavechops @radkesgirl83 @wheretheriversrunintothesea @heartfelt-pen @auds24 @geekycanuck @lunarstarknight @wilma-g @coldmuffinbanditshoe @feralrunaway @sugarpenchant @bichibibi @mzchievous-blog @shesakillerkween @madbadidc7ed @foodieforthoughts @toomanyfandomsshreya @oqueequesentes-borboletas @kebabgirl67 @indigosaurus (some of you new readers didn’t ask, but I took the liberty. If you want me to remove you, I totally will without hard feelings.)

If you want to be notified when I post a new chapter or work, I’ll be happy to add you to my tag list! Stricken blogs are getting personal messages from me when a new chapter is uploaded because Tumblr’s faulty tagging system will not stand in the way of me delivering what the people want!(?) lol! (Although…their lackadaisical notification system might…sorry for that. I have no control. lol!)

X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X@

Shane woke in her warm bed, late morning sun streaming in through her sheer curtains, the heavier drapes parted to let in the light. She wished she'd remembered to close them before now. She really was not ready to be awake.

She was sore. Achy. Her sleep had been fitful and full of shadowy nightmares and muffled screams. Beyond that, she didn't try to remember images or events. She knew the general premise of the dreams. It would take a lot of time, effort, or a miracle to make her forget those traumas she'd been through in the last week. Not even forget. She knew she never would. But move on from them. Accept them. And heal from them…even that seemed a mighty obstacle. One she was not sure she could surmount.

Through the open bedroom door, she could hear Lynyrd Skynyrd and the clanging and sizzling of pans, and she could smell bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Sy had left the room, but had not, it seemed, gone far. She gingerly sat up, stood from the bed, and donned her robe as she walked out into the hall and down the corridor to the kitchen.

The sight before her warmed her heart. There was Sy. In only his boxers, daringly frying the notoriously dangerous breakfast meat. Upon her entry to the kitchen, she could also smell pancakes, and she thought syrup, as well. He seemed to be warming a bottle of the maple unction in a pot of hot water. He turned as she stepped on a squeaky floorboard, and grinned widely at her.

"Mornin' sunshine." And she was struck by the irony of someone with such a radiant smile calling her sunshine. Especially when she didn't feel much like beaming. But she couldn't help return the expression, even through her pain.

"Mornin' bear. Did you go to the store?" She knew she couldn't have any bacon in her fridge, and she doubted her eggs and milk were still good at this point. But she also couldn't think that he would leave her for any reason.

"Nah, some of the guys brought over some provisions. Matt worked on your car all night, too, and filled up the tank. It's as good as new. He and Nate brought ‘er over as well as the groceries. I just had ‘em get stuff I knew your family wouldn't be bringing later. They've had tons of food given to them this week, and they're ready to share. You should have seen your mom loading me down with sandwiches and chips and whatnot when I visited them."

"I still can't believe you met them. I really wanted to introduce you personally." Shane's face fell. She would never be able to get that back. She wanted to cry. Sy had poured her a cup of coffee and sat it in front of her with her favorite creamer.

"Darlin' I’m so sorry. I had to talk to them."

"I know." she sniffed. "I'm not mad. Not at you. Just…"she didn't want to say Elliott's name. "I'm disappointed that the experience was stolen from me." That so many things had been stolen from her. By that monster. There was no other way to describe him. Sy growled. As if he could read her mind. He really just knew her well enough and shared her thoughts.

"Well, don't worry, we'll have a nice dinner with them one of these days, and we can pretend. Sound good?"

"Yeah, and I can feign nervousness." she laughed.

"And I'll pretend too. That I'm scared to meet your dad." he chuckled. "What if he threatens me with his shotgun?"

"I'll pull the ol' 'Daddy, no, I loooooove him!' line, as I throw myself between you!"

"That oughta work." he laughed and kissed her on the forehead as he stepped toward the stove and flipped a pancake.

As they sat eating their late breakfast, Shane's mind wandered. Nothing had changed on the surface, but everything was different now. This cozily mundane breakfast with her boyfriend felt like an out of body experience. As delicious as it was, as wonderful and comforting as it should feel, her guard was up. Even through her amiable façade. She was not the person she was two weeks ago. She was not the same woman who said goodbye to Sy at the base. Maybe that was the real transformation. Maybe that was why nothing felt normal. It wasn't the world, but her own self coming back into it.

"Shane?" Sy asked, gently, but it felt like he was speaking through a megaphone directly into her ear. She was so startled, she nearly dropped the half full mug of coffee that was paused midway to her lips. A bit sloshed out onto the table and splashed her shirt.

"Shit!" she chided herself. It wasn't a big deal, but she felt stupid jumping at the sound of her own name.

Sy reached for the closest towel, hanging from the oven handle, grabbed it and started for her clothes with it. She stopped him. But she couldn't think about why the intimate act made her uncomfortable.

"No, don't, it's fine. These clothes have seen better days, anyway." She pulled the towel from him and began to mop up the small puddles of coffee around her plate.

Sy seemed to note the stains already present on the shirt, as if trying to divine their history. She was something of a messy eater, so the battle wounds of many a barbecue, spaghetti dinner, and hurried breakfast peppered the now off-white SATB club tee she'd gotten her second or third year in college choir. She thought back to a huge room with high ceilings. White, cinder block walls, flecked tile floors, a beautiful, glossy, black baby grand in front of a long whiteboard with black lines to resemble sheet music. She thought about the mnemonic device she'd learned to help her remember what notes appeared on each line, and in the spaces between them. She pondered the deeper meanings and implications of these devices. EGBDF…every good boy does fine. She thought about the "good boys" in her life. She knew many. Her dad, her brother Ethan, Sy, obviously, her many male coworkers and friends…and honestly they did far better than "fine." They were wonderful. But she was letting the "bad boys" she'd encountered dictate her mood. Permeate her psyche. Tear her down. She didn't want to be like this. Then FACE came to mind, and above their purpose of indicating the notes between the lines on the staff, they called her to action. To face these newly minted demons with all the strength she knew she possessed, and she too would "do fine." But as with almost all actions, this was easier said than done.

She felt a warm presence on her left hand which had paused it's torture of the now coffee-infused kitchen towel. Sy's hand was squeezing hers gently.

"Shane." he uttered, barely above a whisper this time. She looked at him through tears that she had not realized had formed. He continued.

"Shane, what can I do, darlin'? I'll do anything."

"Babe, you're doing everything you can, and more. This…this is all going to have to come from me. I…don't know when I'll be myself again…" she paused, tears streaming now. "I'm…I'm different."

"You're not though." he reached for her face, but she pulled away.

"I am, damn it! Sy, I was…" Words had power. And the one she was thinking of had more power than she thought was warranted. She knew that uttering it would take away it's power…and yet mustering the courage and strength to actually do so…seemed impossible. She took a deep breath, and disassociated herself from the statement, even though it was about her own past.

"I was raped." She refused to cry. She felt it all again. She had never said the words. She had never thought it necessary. Everyone understood. Sy, his friends, and she was sure her own loved ones had made the connection. But she knew she needed to say it now to drive home the points she was about to make.

Sy, looked at the table, nodding, not needing to be told in so many words something he already had surmised from the clear evidence. He remained silent. She went on.

"I love you, Sy. I have since the day we met, on one level or another, and I believe that I always will. But I…right now I can't be a proper girlfriend to you. I can't…be with you, touch you, be touched by you, in the way we used to be. In the way you deserve…and I don't know when…or even if…I ever will. Not that I don't want to. That's ALL I want in the world. To go back. To be the woman who fell in love with this…incredible man. To make love with you, but…I can't."

Sy's eyes were full of tears, their predecessors already descending his round cheeks and disappearing into his thick, dark beard.

"Sy, I don't want to lead you on and keep you tied to a relationship with no life in it. You deserve someone who's whole. Someone who can be a fully invested partner for you, and not this broken, damaged--"

"You stop that, Shane. I won't hear no more of this kinda talk. Y'hear? You're my girl. My woman. My person. No matter what. You gotta know I'd never leave ya just cuz you aren't ready for sex again. You don't think that I would, do ya?"

"Well, you went to Virginia…you took that job…knowing the distance it would put between us. Literally and figuratively."

"Biggest mistake of my life." Shane raised her eyebrows in surprise as Sy elaborated. "I couldn't focus on my classes without wishing you were there. Wishing I could team up with you for discussions and hand to hand combat training…that thought got me a little too excited, if you catch my drift." He smirked, pulling a sheepish smile from Shane. "Then in that forest. I dreamt about you every night. I thought of you constantly. I could barely breath sometimes, I missed ya so damned much. I was an idiot. I was insane to think that I needed anything other than you. Any MORE. There IS no more. You're it. You're the MOST! The most important thing in my life."

The declaration hung like vapors in the air, more felt than seen. Tangible yet ethereal.

"And when I found out that you were missing…I was…well, I think I looked like death…and not warmed over. You can ask the program director I met with after I got the news. She could tell I was just sick over it. And as I thought about it on the way home, pieced things together, started thinking about who'd taken you, I got murderous. Shane, I have been in dozens of battles, skirmishes, firefights, you name it. War. But…the sheer bloodlust I felt thinking about what you could be going through…I've never experienced anything like it. Everything was red. Everything. For days. Until I saw you, alive. And then it went red again when I saw the fear and damage on your face." she could tell he was doing his best not to talk about the farmhouse and that basement, but she still flashed back to the moments before and after his appearance there. The moments when she simultaneously prayed to live and hoped to die.

"You don't owe me anything, Shane. I just want you in my life, and I don't care what your presence looks like. Romantic, platonic, or somewhere in between. I'm here for you. And I wouldn't have it any other way."

Shane felt the urge to wrap her arms around her boyfriend, but could not seem to move more than one arm to place her other hand on top of his. She hoped the gratitude and love behind the small, but heartfelt gesture landed. It was all she had in that moment, no matter how abundant her affection.

~~~~~~~~~~

Shane's family's arrival was a complete blur to her. It was joyous, tearful, and the happiest she'd been in a long time. The moment she opened the front door for them, she was surrounded, engulfed with hugs from her parents and siblings. They stood in their affectionate huddle for several moments before Peg waved Sy over with marked insistence. He'd been standing by, observing happily, but not wanting to intrude on the familial reunion.

When they finally dispersed, John asked the two younger men to help him bring in groceries. The women headed into Shane's bedroom for a more private setting in which to talk. Shane filled her mother and sister in the best she could given the rawness of the wounds left on her mind by the events.

She leaned against the headboard cuddling with Gabby while her mom rubbed her feet. She had insisted on doing this thing that had always comforted her children, and made them feel much better when they were younger.

"Well, I'm very proud of you, pumpkin." The girls both looked at their mother, who rather uncharacteristically hadn't spoken in some time. Shane was nonplussed. Peg elaborated.

"You survived something that many women don't. You're talking about it now, which even more women don't. You may think you're broken, but you're just a tree damaged by a storm, but standing stronger than ever." Trust her mom to lay such wisdom on her. When she felt like giving up. When she just wanted pity. When she could only see defeat. Her mother had always found a way to encourage and buoy her and show her the victory.

"Mom's right." Gabby affirmed, and it was Peg's turn to be nonplussed, as the two women, though similar in so many ways, never seemed to see eye to eye. "It's true. Shane I've seen a lot of women come into the clinic in shoes very much like yours. And trust me…some of them…they don't make it to this point. You've got a long way to go before you're fully recovered, don't get me wrong, but you'll get there. You have us. And you have Sy."

"And then there's Sy." She diverted. "How am I supposed to plan any sort of future with him when…" She looked at her mom, and hesitated. Peg rolled her eyes.

"Shane, I know what the two of you get up to when you're alone. You don't have to be shy with me."

"Still…" she took a breath and spoke. "When I can't bring myself to…sleep with him?"

"Look at him, you're kidding, right?" Gabby chided, insensitively, but recanted at the pained expression on Shane's face. "Sorry, sis. Trying to lighten the mood a touch. Too soon. But seriously, I don't think this reluctance you feel will be permanent."

"And even if it is," Peg took over, "that man is out-of-his-mind in love with you, Shaney." She kissed Shane's toe before putting a sock on her foot. "He almost seems to worship you. Now, you know how I feel about using that term outside of religious context, but that is exactly the kind of love I want for you. Devout, and unconditional."

"But, mom, I can't--"

"Did you hear me? I said 'unconditional,' sweetie." Peg interrupted. "No matter what. No matter the obstacle. No matter the distance. No matter the circumstances. Love unwavering. That's what Sy has for you. I've seen it in him. Trust the momma."

The insistence her mother placed on trust had always ruffled Shane's feathers. Gabby's too, who she could feel stiffen slightly beside her. But Shane, for once, really wanted to trust her mother, hoping against hope that she was right. And that she, herself wouldn't screw up the best relationship she had ever been in or was likely to ever be in again.

The girls had begun talking about some of the coworkers who'd brought food in the past week, and Peg couldn't resist remarking on the character of her favorites and judging the ones she didn't care for…oddly enough, getting more or less, the correct measure of them, as Shane saw it.

After what must have been an hour from the time they'd arrived, they heard a knock on the slightly ajar bedroom door. John poked his head in.

"Ladies, we've put a casserole in the oven, and completed various manly projects around the house--"

"Oh, daddy, what projects?" She cringed. She hated that the men had felt the need to "fix" things.

"Babe, your guest bathroom had not one, but two leaky faucets, your kitchen table seemed to be more of a teeter-totter, and half the light bulbs in the living room were out. Among other tiny things. You're welcome." he smirked his crooked smirk so similar to her own, and she returned it as if he was looking in a mirror.

"Thanks, dad."

"Anyway, lunch is almost ready. So, when you've finished your confab, let's eat."

Dinner passed amiably, Shane found a reserve within herself to allow some quasi-normal behavior, as long as you didn’t look too closely. She was talking animatedly with her siblings, making their parents and Sy laugh riotously. Shane noticed some odd looks passing between Sy and her father, but chalked it up to paranoia. She wished at least Gabby and Ethan could stay, but Heather would be over soon, and she deserved her own dedicated time. Shane wanted to give that to her.

She said her farewells to her family with promises to visit them the next day, and at least one more time before her siblings went back home, if she could work it out.

Sy was so wonderful the whole time. Standing by her, a hand resting lightly on her shoulder as they waved goodbye to the departing vehicle. He made her feel so safe. They went into the kitchen and cleaned up from lunch. Well, Sy cleaned. Shane was texting Heather about when she'd be over.

"Heather says she'll be here in about a half hour. She's picking up wine and pizza." Shane told Sy without looking up from her phone. She could see out of the corner of her eye, though, that he had just closed the dishwasher and was selecting a cycle.

"Sounds great. Do you want me to get out of here? Give you guys some time, one on one?" He asked as he dried his hands, wet from preparing dishes for the machine.

She thought about it, and shuddered. She played a scene in her head that startled her. In her mind's eye, she saw Sy leave and then moments later heard a knock on the door. Presuming it was Heather, she opened the door with abandon, only to see Elliott standing there under a flickering porch light, smirking maliciously at her and ready to overpower and abduct her again. She shook the thought from her head, but remained uneasy as she answered his question.

"Uh, no. Thanks. I'm sure she'll want to talk to both of us. She likes you." Shane grinned softly at Sy in an attempt to mask her trepidation over the thought of him leaving her alone for any period of time. She thought it had worked.

"Okay, well, whatever you think, sunshine. I don't wanna get in the way." He was wiping down the countertops. She felt so impossibly full of love for him, she was starting to wonder how she hadn't yet burst with it. She couldn't bear the thought of holding him back from a fulfilling relationship. He deserved everything she couldn't give him right now. And she knew she should make him leave her. Cut him loose. But she was, as she'd been since she'd met him, a weak woman. She couldn't stand the thought of being without him. Of him no longer being hers. And somehow worse, of not being his, herself. She would always need him for so many reasons, not least of which being her love for him. Maybe one day, she'd recover from this trauma, and be able to be who he deserved. To give him what he needed.

"You're never in the way, bear." She walked up behind him, wrapped her arms around his middle and squeezed him as tight as she could. He placed a loving hand over hers, sighing and smiling, though she had no visual proof of the latter. It was just a feeling.

Heather's greeting was no less exuberant than that of Shane's family, but it was more joyful and less emotional, even though she was immensely relieved to see her best friend after so long. They talked as if no time had passed, and Shane mustered up the dregs of her former self to have one more interaction for the day. Thank God it was Heather and not someone who would require more. She wouldn't have it to give.

"I am so glad you're okay, Shane! Things around the clinic have been bleak as fuck. Susan is loosing her mind, Anita is beside herself with concern, and the rest of us just plain ol' miss the hell out of you. And not just because of all of the overtime everyone has been pulling to get your patients seen."

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry! I didn't realize…wow, I'm awful. I didn't even think---"

"That you'd be missed? Think again, sister. The place would fall apart if you ever really left. But don't feel guilty. It's the least everyone can do, and they've all said it themselves. We all love you, and know that you'd do the same for any of us if you could at all. Hopefully you won't have to, though!"

Shane nodded, eyes wide in agreement. She wouldn't wish the last week of her life on her worst enemy. On the worst person in the world. Except maybe the people responsible. Tit for tat.

"Well, I'm sorry my absence has caused extra work for all of you." Shane looked into the deep glass of Chardonnay Sy had poured her from the bottle Heather had brought. She felt about as small as the air bubble making it's way up the sloping curve of the stemless vessel. She felt a guilt that she knew was fully void of logic. It made no sense for her to feel guilt for being kidnapped. But she had always had this notion, this nagging voice in her head that told her that her misfortunes were a direct result of her decisions. That she'd inadvertently stepped on the butterfly that resulted in the monsoon she was currently experiencing, and whatever cataclysmic events she would face next.

"Why in God's name are you apologizing for this, Shay?" Heather's tone was kind, but still mildly scolding.

"If I'd never been with Elliott, none of this would have--"

"Bitch, are you a fortune teller?"

"No, but--"

"Soothsayer?"

"No."

"Time traveler?"

"I wish!" Shane chuckled. But she really did wish.

"Have you any real and proven success at consistently predicting the future?"

"I don't, but--"

"No. No buts. No howevers. You had no idea what becoming involved with Elliott could have done. Were there signs, sure. But you can't look on the past as a rubric to judge the quality of your decisions. You know that. You can only learn from your mistakes. And you have."

"Heather's right, sunshine. You really have learned. You look for Elliott's behaviors in mine and shut me down quick if you see 'em. You're not going to let yourself go down that road again. And I'm proud of you for it."

Shane silently worried her wine glass. It was hard to argue with such truth. But it was hard to agree when her own feelings were in such stark opposition. So she did neither.

"Well, I've preached my sermon for the day." she laughed. "I've taken up enough of your time. Oh, your phone. It's in my purse. I think it's fully charged, but I turned it off."

Shane thanked her friend, then Heather hugged them both and took her leave.

"Y'okay, bug?" Sy asked her after what she surmised was several minutes of silence. Minutes she didn't notice as they passed.

"Mmm…" she trailed off.

"Can I do something for ya?" And she really thought about the question. He could probably do a lot of things for her. He could make love to her until she felt whole again, even if it hurt her at first. Not an ideal option. He could probably get them both some new identities and enough money to spirit her away to somewhere her past wouldn't follow. If she became someone new, literally, would she have to bring that old baggage, those old scars, with her? Again, suboptimal. But he could definitely take the source of all grief and turmoil in her life far into the Missouri back country, somewhere not even the hunters would venture, some fallow field or forgotten cistern, and end him. Snuff out his spark of life like a candle caught in a tornado. Spill a fatal amount of his monstrous blood onto the unforgiving earth and send him to the Hell to which he was undoubtedly destined. But did she want that? Did she want another soul as a scar on that of the man she so deeply cherished? He'd say it was worth it. He'd say he'd take a thousand more for her. A million. That was Sy.

"Nothing comes to mind." She lied. And he knew it was a lie, but didn't push it. She was so grateful that he respected her, not for the lie itself, but for the reason she wasn't giving him the whole truth just now.

His phone went off and he picked it up as he stood from his seat at the table. She could only hear that it was Matt, the guy she thought she understood had the car place, before she heard tension in Sy's voice. Even from the next room, she could tell something was wrong, though he was talking too quietly for her to make out words.

She heard him suddenly shout a stream of profanities that he rarely said at all around her, at least, let alone together. There was a bang, and the walls of her kitchen quaked like the tectonic plates beneath them were shifting.

Sy walked back in, his face was red, as were his knuckles. He was shaking an injury out of his hand.

"What's wrong?" she asked, deep concern at his appearance and demeanor, suddenly ominous.

"I need to fix your wall in there." he grumbled, evading, without success. She'd be doing therapy on his hand, next.

"What's really wrong?" she repeated, sternly.

"That was Matt. Elliott's…escaped, somehow. He's in the wind."

Shane's heart became so heavy, she could almost feel it smashing through the kitchen floor and burying itself deep in the cement floor of her basement.

"Oh, God! No! What if he goes to the police!?"

"Fuck that, I'm more concerned about him coming after you!"

The two stared, faces full of equal measures of concern for the other.

Up Next: Chapter 21-Patient Education

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