#sorry journaling on my blog

[aurazoo]

for my whole life, before I came out, while I still was in high school, my whole life was about carving out alone time (I lived in a single wide trailer, me my three siblings my mom her boyfriend and the dude who slept on our couch. I shared a room with my two brothers until 11th grade).

I wore my headphones all the time at home, constantly listening to any music I could, I used to go to the movies weekly by myself (I did the up until I moved to buffalo), I tried to live in my own world and I was pretty successful too. I mean I hung out with friends as much as I could, but by far most of my time was in my world, just like consuming mass amounts of media to block life out.

In high school I went to a few concerts, mostly by myself and with my mom who would drive me (ty mom) but not with friends. it was cool but I did not get into it the same way I got into my CD player.

In my college years (the height of my depression, oddly enough) my friends finally started going to shows with me, and it was like a whole other world. I fucking danced and holy shit did I want to. not even with my friends, just knowing I was experiencing the same thing as them was what changed it. for the first time I was like, truly sharing my escapism with those around me, those I knew, those I loved.

it's odd, since coming out and having my life completely and entirely changed, I haven't really had the kinds of relationships or friendships I did at that time in my life. I'm so much happier in general, but in a lot of ways, I feel more isolated. I don't really go to shows that much any more, going alone is hard and the few friends I have really aren't "going out types" (for various reasons, all cool).

about 2-3 months ago I started getting into dance music for the first time in while, and more into it than nearly ever. I think it was kinda to cope with being alone in the winter, making my headphones feel like im not alone. the curse is these past months of dancing alone in my house is rapidly building up and needs release, I want so fucking badly to go out and be surrounded by sound and people and then just fucking the feeling of elation after, the cool air on my sweaty skin.

I'd like a friend to do this with, to dance and lose myself and it feels effortless. I know I need to go to shows alone to move myself forward. I know I just need to get out there and dance (and be the only masked person doing it). but it would be so much easier with a friend who wanted to as well.

[aquickstart]

what do you mean saltburn is not a great movie. what do you mean its bad but pretty and fun. have you never longed to escape the confines of your environment. have you never pretended your way into acceptance. have you never longed to break free of this need and not care about the damage you wreak in your way just to let your monster run free. at the very least have you never hated whatever you loved and longed for what you lost after having made the decision to lose it for the better. was it not cathartic

[aropride]

this post was a game changer for me. thank you ryan reynolds

[absterstuff]

had a dream last night that jerma finally did the vampire stream but it was such a large scale production for no reason he rented out a huge old decrepit mansion for it. and he had a bunch of twitch steamer guests there for a dinner party and the whole time he was just running around the whole mansion bumping into people flapping his cloak going “oooooOOooOOoo”. the stream finally ended when vinny vinesauce got fed up with everything and chucked a clove of garlic at jercula and he bad cgi-disintegrated upon contact

[power-handmaiden]

Day 243: King Dong Vs Dongzilla: Rumble In My Butthole

The title of this tingler is one of those that has stood out to me from the moment I put it on my list. God, it's so fun to say. RUMBLE IN MY BUTTHOLE. I love it so much!!!!

Like any good action story, this one quickly gets the reader introduced to the scenario, the power of the antagonist, and what is at stake if the hero doesn't help. Unlike a lot of stories of monsters, Dongzilla has a pretty established character right away that makes it clear that he can be reasoned with rather than having to resort to force, typical of a tingler. The way King Dong is brought in to the scenario is entertaining, I enjoyed him being the most down-to-earth character in the whole story.

Now, I'm sorry to say this, but I felt kind of let down by the sex scene on this one. I had some hope that the massive size of King Dong and Dongzilla were going to result in something different than the usual tingler pounding. Mostly because it started off like that, in a way that maintained the sense of scale between the protagonist and the two titular characters! But at a certain point it proceeded as one would expect in a tingler with a regular-sized bigfoot and t-rex. Protagonist takes both cocks, and they're describes as being big, but there's no more mention of the fact that they're each the size of his body. But, idk, I'm already well aware that sex in bigfoot and dinosaur tinglers tends to be pretty vanilla, creative logistics and positions are more common for living objects and sometimes unicorns, so maybe that's on me. And also my own monsterfucking/xenokink predilections. Certainly, there are people who do not want to contend with logistical issues in their sex scenes and would rather gloss over it, and this one caters more to that kind of preference.

[funakounasoul]

Today's lunch doodle was NOT inspired by anything in particular that happened recently. It is all just a coincidence that Nomoto is walking with a basket at hand for a specific kind of outing...

It's just a cute idea, is all~

[ask-richard-jackdaw]

Richard,

I hope you don't mind, but I happened upon you deep in thought in the castle courtyard and...well, the sight took my breath away.

I used a Muggle contraption (I believe they call it a camera) to capture these still images. You look almost corporeal...

E 🖤

E, my dear,

I am most intrigued by this Muggle contraption, and even more so — by how well you were able to capture me and my heart with it. And what a coincidence! I must admit, I had no idea that anybody was there at the time as I was most likely preoccupied with matters regarding me... Well, you said it yourself, looking corporal. If you have the time, allow me to explain.

You see, for the past two weeks I have been experimenting with something known as ancient magic. I cannot really see it but I can feel it when I am somewhere near the source, and I can really feel it if I touch it. If I spend plenty of time doing just that and focusing on being corporal — I seem to become so! Well, whatever part of me is surrounded by magic anyway.

That photo you took — I believe it was the first time that I have attempted to fully step into the stream of magic a day or two ago. The reason I needed to conduct some experiments first is rather serious as well: when the magic starts sipping away (and it never holds for longer than one day) I... Well, I am yet to find a way to make the transition back to my ghostly form less painful. As much as I was craving to feel, I forgot that pain is an integral part of life as well.

Needless to say that as fun as being able to be me again was, by the time I walked all the way back to the castle in my human form (and I got lost so many times since I could not just fly above the land toward the castle, oops) I was so tired that I just fell asleep on a bench somewhere near that area your camera captured me. When I woke up — I was a ghost again. At the very least, whatever pain I might have gone through that night, I slept through it.

I do hope that you are doing well, my darling. The sight of me should not be taking your breath away but instead making your heart beat and your soul soar. I hope you continue working on those still images because I did not get a chance to look at myself in the mirror that night. You are my only witness and I am honoured to have you share that special moment with me.

Thinking of you, always,

Richard Jackdaw

P. S. May I hope that someday I would be granted permission to call you by your proper name, my lady E?

[greghatecrimes]

If I'm not around much the next couple days, it's just cause I'm absolutely exhausted from work + procedure. But I miss House and hanging out on here, so hopefully answering asks asap and more screencaps and rewatch this weekend :3 Maybe even some In the Dirt planning if I'm lucky

[waterfallofspace]

A Word-Filled Update

that no one's asking forrrr~

Sooooo, hiya~ ^^

Realized I kinda dropped out without much word, and wanted to give a lil update to anyone who may care, (and specifically to all the unfilled requests that have been sat in my inbox for months now T~T)

Dropping it under a cut because it gets quite long~ but I'll also TL;DR it with: been a bit burnt out, trying to get back into this, I apologize for all the unanswered asks, and I will be trying to get to the ones I can, but I'll be focusing more on trying to enjoy the process of making content~ Thank you to anyone who's stuck around <3

(Tw for brief mention of mental health/neurodivergencies~ nothing in depth or dark, but just incase anyone wants to avoid that <3)

Nothing serious has been going on, mostly just burn out and a bit of drama in main friend group, combined with free time just being a lot more limited recently~ (not a bad thing, most of it is because I'm getting to talk more with friends I've gotten closer to this past year~)

That said, I've been trying to get back into content, making it, reblogging it, etc, without letting it become all-consuming. I find, with the way my brain works, mostly to do to some wonderful neurodivergent tendencies, I tend to fall heavily into 'all of nothing' mentality.

This shows up in my day to day life, (ie: can't wash the dishes for weeks until I suddenly do them all in one day) and I've definitely noticed it with content creation. Need to write and finish a story in one go, record a wav as fast as possible, always afraid I'll lose that motivation.

But honestly? I love making content on here! And I'm not a huge blog, nor do I care if I am (at least trying not to, if I'm being painfully honest~) but I genuinely love making content. Whether it's just for me, a request that I am hoping one specific person will enjoy, or a story I write with a community in mind, I just love creating~

So, I'm trying to ease my way back into this! Bit by bit, let it be fun, and enjoyable, with less internal pressure to produce as much as I can, as fast as I can, and make it be perfect.

I won't lie and say 'numbers don't matter to me', if I'm honest, they do. But I'm learning more and more how to let it be about the content, and to just enjoy the process~ (and if people like it, that'll be a wonderful bonus!~)

Wooo this is getting so long, I apologize sincerely! Last thing, something I've mentioned a few times previously but never really let myself get into... requests~

I'm so honoured that people care about my content enough to have asked for things, and getting any ask, request, praise, ask lists, heck even just a 'hi!' is honestly the best part of this blog for me!

Buuuut, I definitely worked myself into burn-out before with a "every request needs to be filled and fast" mentality, that led to just... not filling any.

So! I'm going back through my inbox, and deleting some older ones that I don't have a clear vision/motivation for. I apologize to anyone who requested them, though by now it's possible they're long gone~ But I think this will help me not only start enjoying the creation process without feeling so overwhelmed, but also start actually getting more content made~

There are definitely a bunch that I still adore, and am thrilled to get to test out, but if there's one you remember sending, and you really want to see it completed, please feel free to send another ask saying what it is you want done, and I'll see if I can get that going <3

And if you've stuck it out to the end here- uh hi! ^^ I'm sorry this is so long, I'm such a words person, but I appreciate you so much, not just for any support you've offered, but just bothering to read this <3 I genuinely didn't expect most to make it this far, so thank you so deeply <3 and I hope to see you guys around as I start reblogging stuff more!~

[wewerebornsextuplets]

alright time to wrap up that confessions blog ive had enough

[unlirise]

🖋️ 240527 • mon

i wanted to start off this week with something productive. ive already gotten into a rough start by waking up late. i should be stricter with myself so that i can get things done on time. a week of productivity should not be followed by a week of the opposite. especially when it's easy to get carried away by relaxation and other leisurely activities.

to start it off, i did some journaling and decided to put a bit more effort into its layout and composition. later when i get back from my haircut, i'm hoping to make even more progress on my thesis.

ik ive been saying this over and over, maybe i should have a visual tracker so that i can see how much it's moving as well as to actually motivate me to finish it off. the revisions are done but because of the changes in my methodology i might have to make changes to the instrument. these are taking quite some time... especially since i'm doing this thesis solo and research isn't exactly my strongest suit.

rant ahead if you want to keep reading

i'm kinda excited to get my haircut, though. i wish i could say i was very excited but i can't enjoy it because of how controlling my parents are abt it.

not to trauma dump on the internet but it's my blog so here goes. my parents are kinda being dumb about me wanting to cut my hair. i initially wanted a bixie cut that was similar to winona ryder's. when i asked my mom (yes, i have to ask permission to cut my hair bc i'm not paying for it and i'm using their money for it), she was quick to make it all about my sexuality (i'm pan). she even ranted to my grandma about it. so i'm getting a layered bob cut instead, but my parents are adamant that i go to this family friend hairdresser so that he can advise me (?) on how to cut and maintain it (??) so that it looks good on the graduation pictures (???????). that threw me off bc the reasons why i want to cut my hair are:

it's flipping hot, my guy, the humidity isn't giving my hair gets so brittle and dry. ik i can just tie my hair up but sometimes i don't want to bc i need it to breathe. but i don't want to have to feel my hair act as a towel, collecting my nape sweat.

i never liked having long hair. it's too much work for me. the constant hair brushing, the longer showers, the long hair drying, and the long strands getting everywhere? i've never been able to properly take care of long hair. i prefer shorter hair bc it's easier to maintain and easier to style. and personally, i think it suits me so much more.

but my parents want me to keep my hair long for a bunch of graduation pictures that i won't even be taking right now since i'm not graduating this year.

and my mom? i don't understand but ever since i came out as pan to her, she never truly made steps to understand what that means. ugh, idk. might make a long post abt this sometime in the future.

[averlym]

whshdfhfjf.,,,

[cherisigloo]

“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited.” — Sylvia Plath

this quote has always meant so much to me because that’s the fault of every human, the inability to experience everything possible. we all won’t be able to experience every feeling to a soul crushing extent, we will never be able to learn every possible hobby. it’s upsetting, but it’s also beautiful that humans are limited. it forces us into a position to make the best out of what we can do and can experience, even if it never fully fulfills us.

[eternitysoup]

I'm alive, I just don't have any energy lately.

[asexualjedi]

Thinking about how even if things like turn around amazingly. Best case my mom only has 2-5 years left. And like. Getting big mad thinking about how little most of her siblings has visited. Like. Especially her sister. Which she’s the aunt who broke into my home who I’ve mentioned before so this shitty behavior isn’t. Like. Super surprising. But. Shit sucks man. I hope I’m never like that to my siblings or friends.

[weaselishmcdiesel]

Beginning to think I might have to actually dedicate myself to practicing coding regularly if I’m going to be able to make an attractive game dev journal site let alone an entire damn video game