#still sucks though!!! i hate when i get these like. anxious periods

[mars-ipan]

oh my fucking god i hate having an anxiety disorder

[steviescrystals]

ignore this post i’m just whining again

[luludeluluramblings]

Smalltown! Neglected! Meta! Reader x Yandere! Batfam

Part Two

Part One ☁️ Part Three ☁️ Part Four ☁️ Part Five ☁️ Part Six ☁️ Part Seven

A/N: Still establishing some more lore and feelings. Currently, the Batfamily has two yanderes. With more yandere’s being revealed outside of Gotham and some in Gotham about to start falling into obsession. Also, my favorite Reader is one who is manipulated into thinking the collar around their neck is a necklace. Will be working on Part Three, but it might take longer because we have obsessions starting and Reader starting to get to a breaking point.

Warning(s): Yandere themes, Obsessive behavior

Poor Reader has it rough. Not too rough, but still life kinda sucks and they wanna go home now, please and thank you.

But, as always, things start to brighten up a notch or two.

Reader is thriving at school, sure they can’t hang out with their friends, but their friends understand (which honestly kinda odd, but they’ll roll with it)

There is a small issue.

Reader is a metahuman. (I know, shocking. So unique.)

Reader controls the weather, at will or with extreme emotions (oooooo interesting)

Back in their hometown, Reader didn’t have to hide said abilities that much. (Hell, more than a few people knew about it. Such an understanding community.)

Here in Gotham, in a practical stranger’s house, they’re not gonna to that.

Which is fine. Fine fine fine

Okay, so Reader is tense. Doesn’t have a healthy outlet, and is bottling things up. So that storms brewing. Gonna be fun when that comes back to bite Reader in the ass.

But, things are looking up. (I swear this time!)

Duke and Cass are hanging out with Reader more. They’re sorta becoming a trio of amigos.

Though, they do disappear often. For long periods of time.

Reader is pretty sure Bruce is Batman, at this point.

They’re not stupid, it’s in their damn genetics to be somewhat intelligent, so to speak.

But, no one actually tells reader. It’s lead to some awkward situations of them going silent when Reader enters the room, or the manor being unusually empty after everyone went to the ‘library’.

(Smalltown doesn’t mean stupid, bunch of jerks.)

It just makes reader feel even less like they’re part of the family. Even Alfred disappears for a time, leaving Reader completely alone with nothing, but portraits and old wood furniture.

No one says anything. No one mentions a single thing. (Am I not worthy of the secret? Why did you drag me here only to ignore me?)

Bruce continue to bounce between ignoring and coddling. Yet gets upset if Reader does the same. (Making them anxious.)

Dick pops back in, immediately showering Reader and excessive amounts of affection before shooing them off cause he’s gotta take care of somethings. (It makes reader feel like a pet in a degrading way.)

Jason gets caught harassing Reader by Alfred. Which leads to a screaming match between Jason and Bruce. It’s a violent one, but Alfred drags Reader out of the room before they can see. (But they hear things breaking and It’s terrifying.)

After that, Reader is extremely cautious around Jason. Which for some reason makes him angry and more violent. (Why does he hate me? This is scary.)

Stephanie starts to come around. Slowly. They’re getting there. (Stephanie still prefers to hangout with Tim and Tim…)

Tim ignores Reader the most. Will not talk to Reader at all. Which sucks because Teader thinks they would total get along. (But, nope. All they get is the cold shoulder.)

Reader just avoids Damian like the plague.

Reader talks more often to her other half-brother living miles away than the one she’s currently living with. (That’s gonna piss Damian off later)

While Barbara remains cordial.

Life is moving on. We’re good. Everything’s good.

Wait? Gotham Academy is having its own student Gala? That sounds amazing! Getting dolled up, having a night with friends. Maybe…. Having a date escort them….

And the best part is, Bruce says Reader can go.

Now, Cass and Duke and Damian won’t be going. Which is a bummer, but Reader understands.

Bruce even buys reader something to wear.

An obnoxious designer outfit. (A couture ruffle monstrosity that’s all the rage on the runway.)

It’s so terrible you have to laugh. (Just to hide how upsetting it is that no one actually knows what you like here or bothers to ask.)

Reader even shows Stephanie and they share a laugh. (It’s great. Reader needed that laugh.)

But, there’s no way Reader is going to wear this. So, Reader calls her childhood friend and favorite fashion designer.

Commissioning a more mature outfit. (Reader is almost grown, time to take a break from the ruffles and embrace the sexy.)

BFF comes through and then a week later someone shows up at Wayne Manor. (Damn that was fast.)

Someone from Reader’s hometown, and this starts to set things in motion.

BFF’s older brother, Reader’s childhood crush, shows up holding a dress and driving Daddy’s old truck. Which he hands Reader the keys too.

Nana and Grand Daddy, the Step Grandparents, wanted to surprise reader with a gift from home. (Remind Reader how much better living in a smalltown is compared to somewhere like Gotham. How much their town adores them and misses them.)

Poor oblivious Reader. Not realizing her smalltown is so desperate to have her back. (Reader was their’s first, they know Reader best.)

Nor how desperate Gotham is going to be to make force reader to stay.

[x-liv25-jamieswife]

YAYY!! Reqs are open again! I know you’ve already done something similar but can you do maybe some hcs of Graysons mental if that makes sense (like anxiety, depression, schizophrenia) only if you feel comfortable ofc <3

sad grayson head canons pt. 2

of course! i wont be talking about schizophrenia though bc i don't know enough about it and i don't feel comfortable talking about smth knowing i might be writing things that are completely inaccurate and that might offend/hurt some people. i apologize if these suck or if this is really short. when i made this post, i had just found out someone in my family was in the hospital and i wrote these to distract me so idk how good they'll be. not all of these will be on anxiety and depression btw. tw for suicidal thoughts. hope you still like them <3.

when he swims at night, the pool tends to be very cold bc its the one of the only things that makes him forgot about everything that is making him anxious. if he can't swim, he takes cold showers.

although it might not look like it, he gets very anxious and overwhelmed in situations where there are a lot of people. he overthinks everything he says to them, wonders if his suit looks nice enough/if he's presentable, if he's making a good impression, and has trouble focusing when there are so many people he has to talk too. he's very good at hiding it though so you would never guess (like i said, multiple people, if its just one person it doesn't matter to him)

like i said in my last hc, he gets anxious when talking to many people. i want to add that usually, its not usually himself that makes himself anxious but emily talking in his head telling him he's doing smth wrong. basically, if it weren't for emily, he wouldn't be anxious talking to so many people. idk if this one makes sense.

one of the reasons he wears suits is bc it makes him feel put together when he feels like a mess in his head. he always looks so flawless which makes people think he's fine.

he went through a period of time when he was younger where he couldn't get out of bed to go to school/do his school work which ig seems ooc, but we're talking about young grayson here, not the put together version of him we know. he hated himself so bad he didn't think it was worth living anymore and thought that there was no point in working if he wasn't going to live long enough to get a career/become an adult. also, another reason was bc he felt sm pressure to be the best that he kind of just gave up. tobias got mad at him and thought he was overreacting. he did get better thanks to his brothers, enough for him to start doing his school work again and start handling the pressure he was under.

he's very self-conscious about his appearance. by this i don't mean looking put together, i mean sometimes he'll look in the mirror and think he's gained weight which makes him workout more/swim. its not that he finds himself ugly, he just doesn't want people to notice and think something's wrong/he's going through something when he obviously is (cause in his head, if he doesn't always look the same, people will think smth's wrong/he's loosing control but thats just not true).

he used to have bad acne growing up and it really affected his confidence. he used to try to cover it up with concealer but no matter what he did it was always visible. it ended up going away but he hates looking at old pictures of himself cause he hates seeing it. it caused him really bad anxiety in public bc he thought people were judging him.

sometimes, people will try to talk to him but he won't hear them bc he can't stop stressing over all of the things he has to do and is stuck in his head. people have to repeat what they're saying and and shake him to get him out of spiraling.

grayson tried to stop taking his anti depressants when he was younger cause he was sure he didn't need them. he realized not long after that he couldn't just stop and that they were actually helping him.

after he realized they were helping him, he started to wonder why he couldn't be 'normal' like his other brothers (at the time, he didn't know his brothers were also struggling with their own issues)

to handle his anxiety when he was younger, he would punch a punching bag. this was before he learned how to handle his anger and stuff. he only allowed himself to lose control when doing this.

his room and office have to be clean at all times. if it isn't, it causes him even more anxiety. it makes him feel messy and not in control.

his grand father used to tell him that hawthornes don't have mental illnesses and that he's overreacting (stupid ass grand father). it made grayson feel like he wasn't good enough.

after avery almost died during the bombing, he considered offing himself bc he didn't think he was worth it. he let one of the people he cares most about almost die, and the guilt was nearly too much for him.

grayson used to feel like he shouldn't be struggling the way he is bc of all of the opportunities and money he has. he felt like his feelings weren't valid, and that others had it worse. he tought he had no reason to feel as crappy as he did and that made him hate himself/think there was smth wrong with him. it only made him feel more depressed.

sometimes, he'd go on the rooftop of the house to get some air, see the height and the deadly fall, and consider jumping off. he used to think everyone was better off without him and that he'd be doing everyone a favor by offing himself.

in my first sad grayson post, i said that he owns a teddy bear nash gave him. he'll never admit it, but when he feels really anxious and like his world is crumbling down, he cuddles with it. it's one of the only things that actually helps him calm down. it also helps when he has a panic attack, he grabs it and holds it against his chest to relax (it also helps him sleep). the only one who knows about all of this is nash.

his anxiety tends to get worse during the winter cause he can't swim in the outdoor pool. its one of his most effective coping mechanisms. swimming in their indoor pool isn't the same according to him.

he used to hate christmas bc people would get him gifts he didn't think he deserved. he loved the gifts he'd receive but thought that people shouldn't be spending their money on him and that others were more worthy.

he used to see a therapist on and off for a while (in secret) when he was younger but would always end up stopping after his grandfather found out and told him he was wasting the therapist's time. he finally starts seeing a therapist consistently in his mid-20s (so after tgg and stuff).

[bellysoupset]

and another question because when I hear someone is anxious and needs distraction I go into “fixer” mode. What is the worst job each of your OCs has ever had?

hope you’re feeling better - as someone who regularly wakes up at 4:30 am in a full-on panic attack, I get it.

Hi Lis! Honestly, I don't know what our brains want us to be "accomplishing" at 4:00 AM, its terrible.

So this is the ask where I reveal my characters are quite spoiled? You be the judge.

--

Leo: worst job was a candy factory he worked at that had him on his feet the entire day, doing extremely mechanic and repetitive tasks, wearing full body suit in Oklahoma's summer weather. He'd bike there after school and then do his homework on his 30 mins break and then back to the production line. Obviously they couldn't eat any of the products, so this is probably why nowadays he's got a huge sweet tooth. He also has a bit of tendinitis to this day thanks to this job, even though it was only 1 year he stayed there (his senior year). Even though he has worked retail and food serving before, he still ranks this one as the worst.

Bella: Bell has done everything under the sun. She's worked every retail you can think of, which was uh... Horrible, but mostly for her clients? This is a woman who has no chill and no patience, she'll not tolerate some Karen yelling at her. Period. Hence why she worked so many jobs, because she kept getting fired/quitting lol. Because of her "take no shit" attitude, a lot of her horrible jobs were actually not as bad in her opinion, simply because they didn't affect her. Her worst one was when she was 14 and her mom decided instead of Bella working for someone else she should come do nails in the hair salon she worked at. Since it was her mom's workplace Bell had to be nice, because it was one thing to be fired/quit, an entirely different thing to have her mom be fired as well. It fucking sucked, but this job had slightly less shitty hours than others, so it was when she started coding and that's how she ended up getting her scholarship. So yay?

Vince: Vin has been a frontliner of his mom's homemade food business from the get go. He came to the US at 10 and by age of 12 he was already doing sales to his classmates. He has worked the shop and done deliveries since always and he's genuinely really good at it, because he's very likable. When he was 15 he decided to get a job in a mechanic, around the time he started to get interested in motorcycles, and they put him to do front desk stuff, but he could venture to the back to learn some. In both jobs he actually thrived. He had bad clients, so he's got some horror stories, but no actual "horror jobs".

Wendy: Wen has never had a bad job?? She's done all sorts of stuff, because she's the type of hyper person who's got 200 hobbies. She's done her own little clothing line, she's been a receptionist to her parent's friends' business. By far the one she liked the least was doing reception work at her mother's clinic, mostly because her mother micromanaged her to hell and back and the other girls hated her guts. But even then, I think she'd have liked the job if it wasn't for the company.

I need to preface that both Jon and Luke never had real jobs until the ones they're in currently. They just didn't need them.

Jonah: He acted as an assistant to his father in the clinic procedures, which was a lot of washing equipment's and following around the real trained technician, and getting to watch his dad do minor surgeries. He's got covered in blood a couple of times and snapped at, but as for as Work goes this was his only real experience until he started interning via the university and then stuck around. He despised the part of college where they put him to intern with the G.I people, just gross.

Luke: he's my little baby pillow millionaire, this man has never worked a real job. He's done a LOT of volunteer work and we all know volunteering IS real work, however what I mean is Luke has never EVER depended on the money he's making for anything. He's always been the guy who could just walk out. He's lucky he's so competitive, otherwise he'd be a serial quitter tbh. He's got his stories with volunteering (worked at an elder's home once and boyyy, worst experience of his life), but I think the closest I can say was doing some menial desk job for his mom and his ADHD kicking his ass. He cannot sit still, period and Veronica never really realized that and got pissed when he'd wander off and just zone her out entirely.

[hello-there-world]

hoo boy. thought about Cassidy and William again in the Rewrite. so uh, rambles incoming:

so like. i've mentioned it before on my blog (to my buddy Maxx, specifically), but to give the tl;dr: William does genuinely care for his children, but still sucks as a person. he'd even argue that anything he did that hurt his kids (though he'd probably get offended if you said that he was in any way hurting his kids...despite the fact that he Was, in fact, doing that) was for their own good. he effectively had the thought of "they'll understand/thank me when they're older." like, William was INCREDIBLY paranoid that, if he wasn't careful enough, his kids would die (hence why he, for lack of a better term, snapped after Liz died). Cassidy, on the other hand, thinks his father hates him (because he did. y'know. kill Cassidy and his friends), and Cassidy hates him "right back." he thinks the feeling of hatred he feels for his father is mutual. it's why he got even More pissed off when, in his eyes, William "pretended" to care when Cassidy (understandably, might i add) was angry and vengeful as a ghost. William doesn't understand why Cassidy "changed" (went from a quiet and anxious kid to being angry and violent), when...in a way, Cassidy had always been that way. Cassidy can hold grudges for ages, he could be petty, and he had a LOT of underlying trauma and anger that was bubbling under the surface. i think that learning what had actually happened to his friends, as well as his father killing him, broke the dam. Cassidy doesn't know how else to handle all of those emotions, so that's why he effectively lashes out as a ghost. those emotions need somewhere to go, and uh. i'm pretty sure a mostly sheltered seven-year-old doesn't know a lot of good coping strategies for anger and trauma. just saying.

William, due to all of this, thinks that UCN is, effectively, a major temper tantrum from Cassidy (if a bit terrifying...and painful), and that, eventually, Cassidy would get it all out of his system, tire himself out, you get the idea. um. Problem: Cassidy, effectively, wants some form of regret from William. some sign that he actually cared about Cassidy, that he felt bad about his murder. and while William does, in fact, have some regrets about Cassidy's murder, he's been trying so hard to justify it to himself that it practically drowns out that regret. so it's...a horrible cycle. Cassidy just wants some sign that William regrets what he did, so that he can move on and rest (because Cassidy really, truly, is tired), while William would rather get tortured over and over than admit any regret.

but that's not the only thing i thought of.

so like...William's paranoid about anything bad happening to his kids. that INCLUDES Cassidy. and since Cassidy's the youngest, obviously he has a...heightened sense of concern for him. to make matters worse, Cassidy has horrible anxiety issues (that CERTAINLY aren't partially William's fault, no siree), and Cassidy is "sensitive," as some would say. a "crybaby," even. and William, who sees some of himself in his youngest, worried about his son potentially getting bullied for things out of his control (and God, Alex really isn't helping those worries), decides to homeschool him, keep him close, make sure that, if Cassidy is out of his sight for any extended period of time, that he knows where he is, and that he'll be safe (it's why he's more fine leaving Cassidy at home with his siblings or letting him go to Fredbear's or Freddy's unattended, than, say...letting him have a sleepover at Kelsey and Andrew's house).

meanwhile, Cassidy wants to go to school, despite his worries. wants to prove he can take care of himself. wants to live a normal life, despite everything.

it makes him wonder...why can his siblings go to school? why is he the only one who has to stay home?

why is he the exception?

of course, Elizabeth, who was...mostly oblivious to how bad things really were in her house, thought Cassidy was lucky. he got to stay home all the time, he didn't have to sit through boring lessons, he had more than like, half an hour to actually have fun.

but Cassidy? he wanted to go to school, like his siblings did. because, well, that's what normal kids did. they went to school, right?

so, he tried to gently convince his father that he'd be fine; he had friends going to school who could keep an eye on him! Kelsey and Baker would be going to Kindergarten, and he knew them!! maybe he could try school out for a bit? just to see what it was like? i-if he didn't like it, then his dad could homeschool him! shouldn't he be allowed to at least try?

but, William never budged. the closest Cassidy ever got to convincing him was when William said he'd "think about it," but it was obvious that he really didn't.

all Cassidy ever wanted was to at least have the opportunity to live a normal life, to try to be like his siblings. to not feel like he was some fragile thing that needed to be coddled.

but he never got that chance.

Cassidy died before he could get that chance.

Augh, I love this. Poor Cassidy, he should get to be mad about it... and he is, but his dad just thinks he needs to chill out about it...

[bots-and-cons]

Need to complain... again

School is starting next week, 5th of September. I finally got my summer courses done a few days ago. It's kinda sad that I had 3 months of vacation from school and during that time I'm only going to have this one week for myself before school starts, when I don't have to do anything. I'm so not going to take summer courses next year, holy shit, it was such a mistake. On the brighter side, I got my teacher to agree that I don't have to do practical training this fall, and I can move it to next spring. I honestly would have burnt myself out if I'd had to do the practical training too. I was so fucking exhausted last spring with just the five weeks of 5 hour days. The next practical training is supposed to be 6 weeks and 7 hour days. The first one was supposed to be 3 weeks, but I got to do it in a longer period of time, due to my various problems with mental health and stuff.

The school stuff is all handled though, that's not really what I wanted to complain about. Since I moved away from my home town my best friend who still lives there keeps telling me I abandoned her and I hate that she uses that specific word. "Abandon", like I left just to spite her and leave her alone. I'm not saying she can't feel lonely or annoyed at me for moving, but I can't stand that she keeps using saying "What do you think it's like for ME ever since YOU abandoned me?" She still has her family there and people she knows. I moved to a completely new town, where I don't know anyone and all my family is a couple hours away. I literally have no one here. My school acquaintances/friends/whatever don't live here either, and I'm not going to be able to see them either because almost all my lectures are remote this fall and from now on. The few lectures I do have on campus, are not the same courses as my friend's so I won't see them then either.

My "best friend" has not asked me once, if I'm lonely. She just keeps saying if I make new friends, I'm gonna forget about her and "abandon" her. So I haven't really made the attempt to socialize because it makes me feel so guilty, because all I can hear is her voice in my head. Then she tells me how she spent 7 hours talking with someone on discord, even though she couldn't even answer my texts that day. She also doesn't come to see me, and I'm always the one who has to go to her. She could get on a train or a bus and come here, my apartment is literally about 800 meters from the bus and train stations. She absolutely hates driving here, she came to get me once during December 2023, and she has absolutely refused to drive here after that. This is a much bigger town than our hometown, but still, it just fucking sucks. It's like I'm not even worth a train ticket.

I'm fucking dying here, honestly. I hope it's gonna get better when school starts, but I also want to actually see the people I love. I suck at making friends and I'm so fucking anxious about meeting new people and this whole thing is fucking terrifying. I want to talk to the people I know. I want to see the people I know. Some of you have offered to talk with me, but what I really want, is someone who already knows me and to talk to someone I love. I appreciate the offer though.

I miss my mom and my dad and my younger siblings, and one of my brothers might be coming to see me in the next month, but that's a long as time away most likely. I also miss my best friend, even if she constantly makes me feel like shit.

I feel like nowadays I never get what I need from my BFF. She doesn't focus on me like she used to when we talked, and I feel like she's never there for me. I know I'm not entitled to her time or attention, but I would at least hope she'd reciprocate what I give her. We've been friends for about 18 years, but I feel like she's the one abandoning me. I always have to initiate conversation, and I'm pretty sure if I didn't text her, I would never hear from her again.

Am I really worth that little to her? Am I not worth a phone call or even answering my texts in the same day? I'm I not worth even a train ride here (which I would probably pay for)? Did I do something wrong? Is it my fault? Am I not enough? Makes me feel fucking bad man...

On top of all this, I keep hallucinating more and more, (mostly cats) and the intrusive thoughts are getting worse and worse. I'm overwhelmed all the time and I basically live with my headphones glued to my head, because it makes all the noise and shit a bit more bearable. I don't want to shower, or wash my teeth, the dishes and laundry keep piling up and making food is a fucking pain in the ass. I'm turning to candy and sweets for comfort, which also isn't good. I don't understand what the fuck is wrong with me...

[running-in-the-dark]

I'm still feeling pretty anxious (absolutely terrified honestly, lol), so I think I'll make a list of pros and cons of (moving into) our new apartment.

pros:

we can get cats (!!!)

we'll have one more room, so we can have a separate office

there's a balcony (!!)

.. which is also great for the cats (I've looked at those cat nets and they seem like a good option to make it safe for them so they can't get out)

there's a garden that we could use if we wanted

the people who own the house also live there. which I've heard often isn't great, but tbh our neighbour has used our landlord as a threat so many times that I think I prefer that.

we can't see or hear the highway there. we live in a pretty quiet village now, but the highway is very close and the noise is constant when the windows are open

our kitchen is above the owners' kitchen. which means we can actually use it at night now!! at the moment I'm terrified every time I open a fucking drawer or anything like that.

I've already told them to please just immediately tell us if they don't like something we do, because I don't mind fixing something, I just don't like constantly having to worry because our neighbour just waits weeks/months to finally bring stuff up and when she does she's so fucking angry about it. like bitch we could have solved this ages ago if you had just (nicely) said something 🙄

we'll get away from our downstairs neighbour. yeah, I'm really extremely happy about that. she's made my life miserable for a year and now I don't have to be nice to her anymore 💖

the bathroom isn't a disgusting beige/green colour and it actually has storage

our old apartment is on the second floor and there's a lot of stairs (and I have problems with my feet and legs so that really sucks sometimes), the new one is on the first floor

there's a dishwasher

our washing machine will be in our apartment instead of in the basement (carrying laundry up and down all those stairs sucks, having to hang it up to dry where the neighbours can see it still feels weird to me, and I'll finally be able to do laundry myself again - here I'm too scared.)

cons

rent is a bit more expensive - but my husband's new job pays a little more so it's basically the same

we haven't signed a lease yet so I'm anxious about that. we do have a firm verbal offer though and my brother was there too so there's a witness lol. I don't know, I just need things in writing to feel safe

we might have to keep paying rent for our current apartment for three months. we haven't talked to our landlord yet - I want to wait until my husband gives the new landlord some paperwork (hopefully) tomorrow - maybe if we can find someone else who will move in earlier than that we might get out of the 3 months notice period. though I've read that landlords don't have to accept that. I don't see why she wouldn't agree to that, but I also thought she'd let us get cats, so what do I know lol

it's in a different state, which means my student bus ticket doesn't work there. though my husband will still take the bus to work, so I'll have the car and it shouldn't be a problem

it's another village that is very small and where I don't know anyone. though that doesn't really bother me that much. and I think we might get along with our new landlords, the guy is a bit strange and very talkative (and I think kind of racist... idk some things he said were weird) but the wife seems really sweet

I don't like change. I mean. I do. but it fucking terrifies me. I've only just gotten used to our apartment after a year of living here, so it sucks to have to start over. but I think in the long run it'll probably be better. it can't really be much worse.

we'll have to move all our stuff and I hate that so much. it was so much work last time. but maybe it'll be a bit easier now - before, most of my things were stored in my brother's attic, so it was much harder to figure out what we have, what we need etc. and we also had to buy a lot of furniture. that'll be easier this time

it's another attic apartment, which I really don't like. I hate sloped ceilings and especially the heat in summer. but the ceilings aren't too bad, and we did alright this summer so I think it should be okay. I think having a balcony should also make the heat a bit more tolerable

hm. I think that's pretty good overall. I'm still really stressed out about this whole thing but I just have to get through the next month. I just have to get through it. I don't have to do everything perfectly, I just need to survive. then it'll get easier again. it'll take a while, I'll feel that gross sense of 'I don't know what I'm doing here, I don't belong here, why am I here' for a while (I don't know if that's normal but that's how I feel whenever I'm staying in a place I haven't been in before. it feels very bad and terrifying.) but it'll pass. maybe it'll be better then.

I really haven't been happy here at all. I've been trying, I've done everything I could to make it better - we had just started rearranging everything and I was actually kind of pleased with how that was going. but overall I don't like it here. so yeah, I think I'm feeling cautiously optimistic (and very very scared)

[iexistfor1post]

Rambly I think

I think my brain really needs to accept that I am never, ever going to calm down. I guess

What I mean is my brain needs to accept that changes are going to happen and that I'd rather not be anxious twenty-four seven

I'm still having to get used to having to change my Messenger app. And so i'm anxious about it now

Too many changes and my brain hates it

Like i've only kind of gotten used to my new phone despite having it for a couple months now

It is just very clear to see that my brain has been running on anxiety

With just a flick, they switch if it's on or off at the moment

And even then, it's always like a tiny bit of anxiety, is there and it's stupid stupid, it's stupid

I was gonna draw, but anxiety just made me wanna go lie down?

You know, hide under the covers. Listen to youtube for hours instead of doing something that was bringing me joy

Not that watching youtube doesn't bring me joy

The thing is, it is bad to not have good sleep for anxiety and other issues I guess

But ISO badly went to sleep-deprived. Myself so my brain will not be really anxious, so I can get used to shit

Cause. How can my brain work when it has to focus on not sleeping hmmm

...

It makes me sad to think that despite all the stuff that I love. In like present day and stuff, I like and stuff I liked in middle school and high school

It makes me sad that I honestly wish I was still a kid in the early to mid 2000s to early 2010s

Mostly the early to mid 2000s

Like I do get joy in the everyday. Of my life, I guess sort of

But there's just a part of me that's just longing for when life was just easy for me

And like it was always kind of easy, I didn't have to really do anything

Like I did have some fun in high school and middle school. But I am not missing it, I guess

I just think being a tiny child is what's bringing peace. Or something like I don't know like why?

What about being a small child makes me long for it

You have no freedom as a tiny child

...

Do I just wish to be cared for in a certain way???

Like I am an adult but I still live with my parents

I don't have to pay rent

I help with groceries

I have a job

I am technically secure because of my parents

Try as anyone might, but nobody can convince me that the world isn't scary

Like I think I'm kind of breaking down despite literally having fun. This entire day so far

All because of a stupid message app being different to the one I had for around a decade or something.

It is stupid

...

I am stupid :(

It's like I feel trapped but I don't want to go anywhere. I don't wanna be free

But like I'm that sad creature in the cage

Like me. Typing this down is me trying to bring peace to myself and help my brain

I feel like I'd go in circles sometimes

It is the same post almost every time

From what I turn from, I was never good at change

I didn't like it when I had to move. But that just sounds like a normal kid thing

But literally a year after moving my anxiety started, I guess

Like the 1st day of school, my nerves made me feel sick. In almost every year after that, it was the same thing for the first day or two

But I was still a kid and I was having fun in life. I just wasn't good at making friends

Looking back now I can say the internet wasn't a good thing for me

It still isn't

Cus the internet became my escape

It was fun and is still fun but...

My social skills suck

I have no drive in life

It really just feels like I want to be hand held in life

My love for school died in middle school so I never want to go to college

Excuses excuses excuses

It isn't even like I wish I was born in a different time period

I am pretty sure I would flail there also

Especially since my anxiety is bad

Also btw even though no one reads

I haven't been diagnosed with Anxiety but I think by reading and stuff we can tell I have it

....

Also as much as I don't want to think about it I could have depression

Like idk

I know my maternal grandma has depression

My mom I think as anxiety and I think depression but idk if diagnosed

My nieces have depression and I think one of them as anxiety

My brother has anxiety (and adhd)

Like something definitely runs in my family

I mean, I could take "fun" online quizzes

Maybe laughing at my "pain" will help.

===

Took one for just anxiety not anxiety disorder

I got High Anxiety... 75%

To which the random quiz says It could be anxiety disorder

Uh huh yeah no I kind got that when the past couple months have been on and off in trash feelings

Quiz told me to get therapy then (as it needs to say) that it isn't professional advice

Shoot I took their anxiety disorder quiz and got 75% there also

Which makes sense even though the questions were different enough

I never know how to a answer the panic attack question cuz it also seems to be hyperventilating which I almost never do

I get shaky and my heart pound and I pace even more than I normally do

That doesn't sound like a panic attck

Though I do also want to go and hide but like that also doesn't sound like a panic attack

Took another of their quizzes

Highly anxiety personality 62&%

I honestly don't know ow where I was going with this

I left and came back to this 3 hours later

I am feeling slightly better now

[timeoverload]

Ok I guess I'm sort of feeling better than I did last night. I have been thinking about stuff all day and I've been trying not to have an episode but I did anyway. I can't help it. I'm having a hard time controlling my impulses too. I'm just too sensitive. I am so anxious, emotional, and tired. I'm a wreck. I felt like I was dying all day and I had to leave work an hour early because I thought I was going to throw up. I look terrible and people kept asking me if I was ok because I've been disassociating all day. I'm just so sick. It doesn't help that I've given up on putting on make up so everyone can see the bags under my eyes. I can't focus and I had to keep going to the bathroom to hide. I wish I could eat something but my stomach is in knots. I also don't want to spend money on food right now. I got 3 hours of sleep last night so I've been a little grumpy.

I think I'm also just insecure and terrified about losing you. I'm so sorry for being a nosy bitch and I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I really don't want to be separated anymore because it sucks and I hate it!! All I want is to be able to hug you and that would make me feel so much better. I miss you so much!! I love you!! I'm also scared because I'm not going to be able to go to the tattoo shop much longer. The appointment that I have in October will probably be my last one for a while and I'm sad about it. That's like the only thing I have to look forward to. I need to be responsible though and my body isn't strong enough at the moment to keep getting tattooed.

I have to shift into survival mode right now. I am trying to save up money so that I can go part-time in November so I can apply for disability. I don't have a choice because I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to wait that long to do that but I don't have enough money right now. I need to get all of my doctors appointments out of the way because I'm going to lose my insurance. I don't know how I'm going to afford my medication and I can't stop taking it because I'm psycho without it. I need to be able to provide for myself somehow. I still have a mountain of bills to pay so I'm glad that I don't have to worry about rent too. I have started stocking up on things that I'm going to need. I am going to have to live off of canned food and ramen noodles for a while probably. I might be able to get temporary assistance but I'm not sure how to go about getting that. I don't have any guidance in this situation and I don't know who to talk to about it. I'm so lost.

I'm struggling so much to do simple things. I can't take care of myself. I took a shower earlier and I didn't have the energy to shave my legs so I've given up on that. I haven't cut my hair in so long and it looks like shit and I'm breaking out so bad.

I'm in so much pain and I hate standing for long periods of time but I have to. I'm pissed because they said they were ordering me an adjustable table for my station like 8 months ago and I still haven't gotten it so I'm constantly bending over to do shit. I have a chair that I get to use sometimes but usually I don't have time to sit down. They keep preaching about safety and using safe lifting practices because so many people are injured but they don't actually give a shit about employee safety. I'm still lifting heavy ass pans all the time. I have been trying to avoid it as much as possible now and I can't dispatch or load the big autoclaves anymore even though I used to enjoy doing those things. Luckily the younger people have started doing those things because they can tell I can't do it anymore. I hate wearing my stupid back brace and it gets so hot but it's the only thing that helps me get through the day.

My room is also already a disaster again even though I did a lot last weekend. I just can't do anything when I get home except for sit here and try to recover. I don't have the energy to do anything else and I'm so mad. I want to be productive.

I don't want to work myself to death. I feel trapped. I heard so many people complain today about how bad things are getting and the turn-over rate at work is so high. People are so negative and always complaining and it is bothering me a lot. There's always drama. The morning team lead is leaving next week and I know I don't always get along with her but things are going to be shitty without her there. I will probably get stuck doing extra work because we don't have someone to replace her. I will be alone in the morning until at least 8am every day unless my boss is there but she has been getting chemo so I never know when she will be around. I don't want her to work too hard anyway because I feel so bad for her. I think I'm going to have to start going in at 6 again to help out. I almost started crying in the locker room when one of the surgical techs was talking about how defeated she felt and how she would be so happy if she never had to come back. I feel the same way. It's so depressing and no one should feel that way. There are only 2 eye doctors that will even acknowledge my existence and say hi to me. All of the other doctors are so rude. I feel like I'm just a peasant and I'm just there to do all of the dirty work that no one else wants to do. I've sacrificed my body and my mental health so that they could be successful and they don't give a fuck. Of course I care about the patients that I help but the work load is really getting to me.

I probably shouldn't be drinking right now but I don't know how else to deal with the stress that I'm under right now. It's crushing me. I'm trying to be ok. I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry again for being so emotional and dramatic. I will try to make tomorrow a better day. 💖

[wherethehellisderrymaine]

March Wrap Up

Books the girl form the other side vol. 1 to 11 - finished kimetsu no yaiba el queso y los gusanos 

Music ROLE MODEL pink floyd olivia rodrigo taylor swift 1975 sabina

Events 01: GOT MY PERIOD  saw nico and talked about my situation. it made me angry remembering how much it hurts. how used i felt, forgotten, left alone, disrespected and played around by the last person i though (not even imagened actually) could do that to me. BUT it also made me realize that i am not ready to let him go. I REALLY want to feel loved and taken care of by him. 

then i went to fetch him from work and i saw her. i had a bit of anxiety and my legs were shaking. she’s so pretty it makes me mad. she’s skinny, tall, she has nice legs, shiny traight hair, she wears cool clothes... she’s pretty and cool and she got to attract him and that hurts. I still can’t get over that. I cannot not compare myself with her. I don’t hate her though, I actually wanted to wave at her and say a polite “hi” from afar; but she didn’t make eye contact with me. she just walked around all pretty and with her head held high. I want to be able to do that and not hold any grudges against anyone. i want to be mature and confident. 

we went to the park to have mates, we saw many dogs and talked a lot, then we listened to pink floyd (i really liked it) on his vynil player, made dinner and watched shingeki drinkin gin tonics. It was a good night and that makes me hopeful.

02: organice the last days of holidays. 

03: lucho is sad bc I’m sad we went to the glamping - it was TERRIBLE, i will never go back BUT it was fun. we talked a lot, we listened to music, we drank lots of beer, he made a bbq and it was delicious and we had sex twice. I felt a lot closer to him even though I still feel hurt when I see him. But as he said, what happened, happened. It’s over for him and it will be over for me. I really feel like i¡m getting better. I don’t know what will happen but I know we will be ok, either together or alone. 

04: breakfast at croissant  watched shingeki and cried watched the lord of the rings 2 went to the market  slept early bc iw as feeling a little sick.  lari got mad at me for not going to her new house. i’ll go next week. 

05: race day . it sucked  thought a lot about my feelings and my future - i wanna work on myself. i need to move out and have my own space and my own routine. i desperatly need it. 

06: back at work - i’m anxious  a few issues but everything went great 

12: lucho’s mother’s birthday - i felt strange being there but it was a good step forward for me.

i feel lost from time to time and i’m scared of him bc i don’t know if he’s going to play with me again. 

15: sabina’s conert- i loved it. i was really nervous about it b i wanted my mother to come and she wasn’t going to but she did. 

i still feel conflicted about my relationship even though it seems to be going better. i still can’t fully get over waht happened. i’m still angry and hurt and i don’t trust him completely. 

16-22: i’ve been feeling really tired this week also stressed: people who know him said things about him, about his self before me and the comments were like “be careful, he is toxic, he likes going out with lost of women” and that’s ok. i don’t think that’s the person that i fell for. we both talked about our toxic traits and we are both working on them. i’m just cared to end up like one of his exes and him not wanting to have anything to do with me. 

it’s terrifying to trust in someone who has the power to do anything they want with you. i don’t want him to hurt me again bc i don’t wanna be the one who ends up hating him. 

watched lots of videos from Sam and Colby

23: super tired

 i woke up feeling like shit. super sad and insecure. i wrtoe here and cried fora while, which helped me to feel better.  lucho read the post and fel bad. i get it and i hope he believes me when i tell him that i really love him and that i’m with him bc i want to share my life with him. it’s taking me a bit long to get over what happened but i am proud if us and I have hope for the future. 

24: shopping and date night with lucho i am greatful for him. he is very patient and willing to see and understand my point of view. he respects my ways of dealing with this and chooses to truste me. i’ll keep on getting better for the both of us.  we wnet to the cinema, to bruder and then to a hotel. we had lots of sex and relaxed. we needed that.  he gives me a lot of peace and that’s one of the many reasons why i love him,

25: we watched “te lo resumo”’s movie and it was great.  we cleaned the ouse and the he brought me home before he got together with his friends. 

-- me di cuenta de que me cuesta mucho confiar. en general. confiar en que no me van a mentir, que no me van a usar, que me eligen de verdad, confiar en el “a largo plazo”. nunca quise algo asi con nadie y ahora sí, lo cual me aterra pero a la vez lo necesito. quiero estar con él todos los dias, quiero que compartamos un lugar, que tengamos una rutina, poder abrazarlo a la noche, volver a él o que él vuelva a mí. 

27: fui a visitarlo al trabajo porque lo extraño un monton. tambien pase por su casa a dejarle el regalo de pascua y el poema que le escribi ayer.  me siento diferente. sé que mis maneras de lidiar con lo que me pasa no son las mejores, pero cada que vez hablamos, me siento más segura. me da miedo no hacerlo feliz realmente y que este cansado de estar conmigo. no quiero que “me tolere” como dice taylor swift. quiero hacerlo feliz. 

31: feeling a lot better about my relationship with lucho. things are easing up at home and i feel more at peace.  i just have to find a balance between my friends and him because i tend to give all my attention my my partners and that is not ok. also, that’s one of the thingd i wanna achieve this year. 

off topic: i’ve been feeling super tired lately. 

[inkofamethyst]

November 28, 2022

TWO MORE WEEKS TWO MORE WEEKS (I suppose it’s more like three if you count finals, but I trust that I should be able to skirt myself out of two of them and my take-home final shouldn’t take all that much time and I can (probably) write an essay in two days easy-peasy.  It’s more like there’s only two more weeks of work work.)

As exciting as that would be, there’s so much that I have to complete in the next two weeks it’s almost insane.

I watched a tiktok the other day which was like “I take walks through the woods because they’re good for my mental health... not at all because I’m microdosing a flight response” and.. I try my very best not to take everything I hear on that clock app as truth but.. that one.. it’s either a really good joke, or I have some looking inward to do.  My response to feeling overwhelmed is, in fact, to briskly walk around campus by myself at night for an hour or so.  Hm.

I remember when I was first figuring out this whole grad application thing and freaking out about forming a potential project because I didn’t really know what I wanted to do, but I think the truth is that most applicants fake it and put down something, fully expecting to revise it in the future.  And that’s okay!  I’m totally making stuff up the whole time but that’s absolutely fine. [Edit: Actually, no, this sucks, I feel like an idiot and I hate that this one school is asking me to propose a whole project, like,,,, huh I don’t even know what I’m saying at this point]

Though, I was planning on submitting all of my apps today, and my transcripts have still not come in???  Like I need to upload them myself and there’s been a sending error or something and I’m kind of pressed because I told my recommenders that it’d be done today and for some reason that’s not happening and I’m a little peeved.

Today I’m thankful for tricolor Christmas pasta!  A few weeks ago I saw it at the store and it looked too cute to not buy and you know what?  I haven’t had shaped pasta in years but it’s fantastically festive and terribly cute.

I’m also thankful that I went out with some people after choir practice tonight.  Not to eat, just to hang.  I’ve been stressed all day about getting this application in and really just needed some chill time away from it.  It does mean that I have a lot to do tonight (exam, proposal draft, discussion board, and application essays all coming up hhhhh I’m only going to work on two of those tonight but still) before I can go to sleep but you know what?  So be it.

And I suppose I’m also thankful that I still have a buffer period of a few days for this transcript thing and that I should still be okay... yeah.  I will have to inform my recommenders of the delay, but at least I should still be able to get it in before the deadline.  I feel so anxious right now that I can’t even bring myself to eat... I hate this.  One thing I can look forward to though is that after my first round of apps are in, I can celebrate with a new episode of Welcome to Night Vale on the first (coincidentally also the day of my evo exam :/).

Lastly, I’m thankful that the email (at least, one of them, anyway (...I’m probably just not going to send the other ones and just risk it)) I’ve been procrastinating for a month or so and finally sent today got an immediate response with no fuss, no hassle.  It was amazing and much needed.

Wait hold on one more: I’m also thankful that I’m not continually feeling down anymore like I was a few weeks ago.  Sure I’m nervous about this first round of applications, but I don’t feel, just, dead.  I suppose this means I’m also also thankful that I’m doing better mental health-wise than I was at this point four years ago, though “My head hurts; I want to go to bed soon.” is too relatable of a sentiment for how I’m legitimately feeling at this point in time.

[buckyownsmylife]

Follow you - Chris Evans smut

The one where Chris becomes your roomate and finds out he has a domesticity kink... and more

Warnings: Smut, breeding kink, domesticity kink, friends to lovers, rommates au, pandemic mention, hair-pulling kink, daddy kink, cockwarming, kind of allusion to an age gap, but can be read as reader being into teasing chris

Word count: 4.1k

A/N: Thanks to @mollygetssherlockcoffee​ for reading this over and helping me make it better! You’re the sweetest person ever!  this is for my own birthday celebration challenge! Like I explained here, I’m going to try to fill every single AU I listed with the characters I picked for the challenge, and since the deadline if May 27, these fics will be posted randomly, as I finish them. Hope you guys like it!

Chris’ P.O.V.

“C’mon, sweetheart,” I’d been trying to convince her to close her laptop for the last two hours, unfortunately without any luck. She just glanced at me before returning to her document, and I groaned as I left the living room in search of what I knew we needed.

“Close the laptop and I’ll give you a sip.” This time when she looked up, she found me holding a bottle of my most expensive whiskey, the one she’d been dying to try ever since she first got invited to my place.

It was a tense moment of evaluation while she took in my offer and her workload, her head turning from her computer to me and then back to the device again, and I found himself growing anxious because of how desperately I wanted her company that night.

“Please?” I tried to convince her, even going so far as to pout - which at least earned me a giggle. I considered it a win, especially with the way it made my chest warm up. “C’mon, we deserve it! After the week we had?”

She frowned when she thought back on the stresses we had confided in each other for the last couple of days, and I watched with glee when she slowly closed her laptop, prompting me to wave my arms around in victory. “We?” She teased, getting up to stand before me with her arms crossed in front of her body, making me laugh.

“Alright, so maybe just you.” I couldn’t really deny that my work “problems” paled in comparison to hers. “Listen, I’m only trying to help.” She narrowed her eyes at me, reaching out for the bottle and unscrewing it before taking the sip I’d promised.

“Shit, this really is good.” A smug smile took over my face as I wrapped my arms around her, walking us back to the couch before making us fall over it.

“Only the best for you, babe.” I watched her roll her eyes at the pet name, snickering at how it affected her. I knew it made her giddy and she hated it, it’s why I insisted on doing it - or so I told myself.

Something deep inside of me whispered differently, though. I tried to ignore it. She was my best friend and we were going to be living together for the foreseeable future. No one knew when this pandemic would let up.

And lord knows that nothing positive had ever come out of my investments in romantic relationships. So every rational thought in my mind was begging me not to overcomplicate this. I couldn’t stand to lose her friendship, anyway. That’s why I had invited her to spend lockdown with me - my need to know she was okay, and be able to have her around whenever I needed to vent.

She was the only one outside my family who got my anxiety well enough to help me work through it when I was feeling bad, and she had even been able to prevent me from having panic attacks more than once.

I just couldn’t imagine going through this with anyone other than her. I simply hadn’t anticipated how fucking horny this period of forced sexual privation would make me, and I never expected her to become a willing victim to my needs.

But boy, once the liquor hit and she ended up over my lap, shivering as she rode my thigh without a care in the world, was I glad that she did.

“Is this what you like?” I asked, looking up at her with my mouth hanging open, unbelieving of how fucking sexy she looked as she used my body for her pleasure. I didn’t even care that my cock was straining against my jeans, begging me to move her on top of it. As long as I could keep enjoying the show, being a part of it, I was satisfied.

“I wanna learn it,” I pressed, moving my hands to hold her ass, squeezing it the way I’d always wanted to do but never allowed myself to dream about. “I wanna learn how to please you.” She made me feel something I hadn’t felt before, in any of my past relationships. There was attraction, of course, but there was also this deep, familiar feeling that made me feel at home. It made me feel safe, and with the help of alcohol, I was desperate to explore it.

“Ugh,” she groaned, letting her head fall back, drawing my attention to her breasts, the way they bounced in front of my eyes, unfortunately still covered. My mouth watered at the sight of it, wanting nothing much than to strip her bare and wrap my lips around one of her nipples.

“Don’t say stuff like that, Evans.” The comment threw me off, making me frown as I took a hold of the hair on the back of her head and yanked her to me, devouring her lips. They were soft - so much softer than I’d ever allowed myself to imagine.

“Why not?” I panted against her mouth once I was forced to separate from her taste of whiskey to search for some oxygen. She kept moving, her eyes hazy and glossed over, and it sent a pang of lust straight down my body when I realized it wasn’t completely due to the drinks we shared. There was also desire in there.

“You want to learn?” She asked, hands bunching up my shirt as she used her hold to grind against me faster. “Then fuck me, Chris.” She molded her body to mine, engulfing my lips once more as I laid her down on the couch, excited to have her underneath me - excited to see her naked body, explore it, get to know every little thing that made her tick.

I knew it would be a moment I’d forever remember, regardless of the amount of bourbon in my blood. I just never expected it to become something I was so eager to relive over and over and over again.

It was supposed to be a one time thing. When I woke up in the morning, I was ready to go back to being roommates. We were good at that. She was a morning person, by the time I woke up every morning, she already had breakfast ready for me, and then we’d go out to the backyard to let Dodger out together.

We’d sit and talk and then I’d go for a run - she’d have done her yoga already, while I was still asleep - I’d answer some e-mails, she’d work on her laptop by my side and the silence was just as comfortable as all of our late night conversations.

She’d sneak out to the kitchen and come back with a few sandwiches for our lunch, and then the rest of the day would go by with us doing whatever mundane task we had in mind, together even if we were doing separate things, and I didn’t feel suffocated.

I didn’t even run out of things to say. By the time dinner rolled around and I followed her back to the kitchen, cleaning up the dishes while she fixed us dinner - I wasn’t allowed to cook in my own stove, mostly because she was terrified of my food but hid it under the excuse of that one time when I started a fire - then we’d eat together, watch a movie together, talk until we fell asleep - always together.

I was shocked. It’d never been this way in any of my previous relationships. In fact, I was certain it was the reason why they had never worked. I’d given up on any realistic expectation of settling down precisely because of this: I just never expected to find anyone with whom a day-to-day life wouldn’t eventually grow boring.

It’d been three months and I still loved to wake up to her coffee. We still fell asleep every night side by side, too tired to move into different beds because we had laughed our asses off after skyping Scott.

And now that sex came into play in our relationship? I just knew there was no way I’d ever go back to being nothing but friends - or living in a place where she wasn’t the first person I saw when I woke up.

It sucked that it took a pandemic and a night of alcohol to make me realize that, but damn, was I grateful that I decided to open a bottle of whiskey that evening.

I kept waiting for the catch, the moment it would all go to shit, but it never came. Our lives resumed to how they used to be, only now I had this ongoing inner battle to not just bend her over the nearest piece of furniture when we were busy, and the ability to do exactly that whenever there was nothing else to do.

And for a while it was bliss. There wasn’t a nagging voice inside my head questioning this arrangement because it was theoretically perfect. I had a best friend, a roommate and a fuck buddy, all wrapped into one single person that I adored.

Life couldn’t possibly get better - until I realized that I wanted more. Talks of lockdown being over started and she had plans of going back to her place, of course, but I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from her.

I wanted to see my family too, but I wanted to take her with me. Introduce her to my mom, see her get along with my sisters. Witness how she’d be with my nephews and nieces - I knew how much she loved kids. And that’s when it hit me.

I’d given my heart to her. Somewhere between the morning coffees and afternoon runs, the nights where I’d rant about all of my silly problems and she actually listened to them - really listened, never making me feel bad about what could only be described as rich people problems.

All the innocent little gestures, and the not so innocent ones - when I discovered she was exactly the nasty slut I’d always dreamed of, the way she would randomly drop to her knees and suck me off, even while I was on the phone. Most times she didn’t even let me repay the favor. She just genuinely liked to blow me.

She also liked to play with me randomly, like when we were watching a movie and she mindlessly reached for my crotch, rubbing me until I got hard. It almost always ended in sex, and I just loved it.

I loved it, and I loved her, and the idea of her ever sharing this idyllic lifestyle with anyone else made me irrationally jealous.

And that’s how I knew it. I didn’t want to mess it up. But how could I not fuck this up?

Xxx

“Chris…” Her sweet voice called out to me, reaching my ears while I was hiding in my office, trying to get my thoughts in order so I wouldn’t just randomly blurt out what I was feeling for my best friend to my best friend.

To her credit, she didn’t try to force me to keep her company - but that only made me fall even deeper for her, leaving me a complete and utter mess while she went about her day as if nothing was wrong in the world.

“Yes?” I looked up to see her by the threshold, clearly reticent about invading my privacy. It made me smile, thinking back on all of the times my exes hadn’t been as understanding, even after I let them clearly know what I was needing.

“I made cupcakes, do you want me to bring you one?” The thought of her in the kitchen, baking a sweet treat just for me had my cock twitching in my pants. Biting my lips, I pushed away from my desk to finally get up and stretch my legs, taking advantage of the monitor to hide my hard-on.

“No, I’ll come eat them downstairs with you.” She smiled before leaving, and I soon trailed after her, walking into the kitchen to find the most delicious-looking little treats, just waiting to be devoured.

Much like her, I supposed.

I was reaching for one of them, already licking my lips in anticipation when something caught my eye, prompting me to raise my gaze and look at her again, but really look at her this time.

She was wearing an apron.

There was nothing inherently sexual about the damn thing, but the way she looked with it, going about her business in my kitchen like she owned the place… It just felt right, seeing her there.

And suddenly I couldn’t hold back anymore.

“Y/N…” I started, leaving the cupcake back on the counter and brushing off the crumbs as I circled the kitchen island to go stand in front of her. She hummed before turning to meet me, smiling slightly to signal that she was listening to what I had to say.

But I didn’t know how to say it. So we just stood there, staring at each other until eventually her smile became a frown. “Chris, what’s going on?” I still couldn’t speak. Much to my absolute surprise though, she just sighed, wiping her hands on the apron while shaking her head, a knowing smile on her face.

“You’re stressed, aren’t you? You’ve been working so much, that’s why I thought the cupcakes would be a good idea,” she explained nodding towards the tray where her sweet treats laid. “They’re a reward and a break all wrapped in one delicious cake.”

The comment was like a punch to the stomach - or a scalding wave of desire rushing through my body, straight to my groin. The idea of her thinking about my needs and catering (quite literally) to them just did something to me, and I didn’t know how to explain it - I don’t think I understood it myself.

“But since they didn’t work…” she continued, blissfully unaware of the conundrum she had put me into. “I know something else that will definitely work.” And just like that, the woman dropped to her knees in front of me, reaching for my sweatpants before I could find a way to close the mouth that was hanging open.

“I guess I’ll grab a sweet treat for myself.” She looked so devious, small hand encircling my already pathetically engorged member, that all I could do was whisper an, “Oh, shit,” when she immediately wrapped her lips around it,  starting to suck me off without any preamble.

My fingers were white as I held onto the counter behind me to keep myself up. She looked so good, staring up at me with her lips wrapped around my dick, I felt like I was about to blow already.

Why did she have to be such a fucking tease?

“Oh, God,” I moaned when she managed to engulf the entirety of my member inside her throat, the choking noises getting to my head. My hand instinctively laced with her hair, first to hold her lips close to my navel, then to pry her completely off of my member.

“What’s wrong?” She questioned once she was able to speak, surprise written all over her features while I was still staring down at her slightly teary face and trying to find my voice.

“I-I have a problem.” There. I said it. I had finally made some progress in my goal to let her know what was going through my head. Only instead of curiosity, what I got was a confused expression from the woman still holding my dick, her eyes darting from my own to the member throbbing between her fingers.

“No, you don’t!” It would have been funny if I wasn’t so fucking frustrated. Yanking her by the hair, I complained, “Not that kind of problem!” pulling her to the living room so I could throw her on the couch, trying to ignore her moans of pleasure in the process.

I’d figured out pretty early on that she had a pretty serious hair-pulling kink, and if my plans of sitting down and having a level-headed conversation were ever in motion, they surely went out of the window the second she pulled my body down to cover hers and adjusted my cock so it would easily fill her.

“Son of a…” I groaned, letting my head fall down against her chest as the little vixen gleefully giggled underneath me, legs wrapped around my torso as she tried to thrust up and tempt me to move.

“Just wait a second,” I managed to reason, but she just shook her head.

“Fuck away your problem, Chris. Use me. I want you to.” Motherfucker. I really couldn’t catch a break with her. Just as she started to make me move again, my hand instinctively wrapped around her neck, lightly squeezing it just enough to get her to shut up.

“I wanna start a family with you,” I finally spilled, looking deep into her eyes as I tried to ignore that I was still balls deep inside of her. Her eyes widened, and now her mouth was the one hanging open.

I couldn’t really relish in it because she looked absolutely delicious and she felt stupidly heavenly to my throbbing dick.

A few seconds went by without as much of a reaction from her and I was about to pull out - despite still being achingly hard - but her legs held me tighter, stopping my plans of leaving her tight haven.

“You know…” She started to speak, a little out of breath, catching my attention as I finally gathered the courage to look her in the eye again. “When I first met you, I thought you were the epitome of a fuckboy.”

The unexpected sentence had me snorting, and then I just couldn’t stop laughing. Finally pulling away from her, she fixed her hair when she sat up and I did the same, shaking my head slightly as I rubbed my eyes.

Our own relative nakedness - well… mine, she was wearing her usual dress with no underwear under the damn apron - didn’t affect anything when I pondered over her words, until I decided to break the silence.

“I mean… I think I was?” She chewed on her bottom lip as she took in my response, analyzing it, weighing its validity in that gorgeous head of hers. I was nervous, but she hadn’t blew me off yet. And quite honestly? I’d do anything for that little hope that was growing inside of me.

“What changed?” Was her question, so unexpected I couldn’t help but question, “Huh?”

“What made you change?” It wasn’t an unwelcome inquiry, especially when the response became clear to me, lighting up my brain and warming my chest, spreading all over my body until I had no choice but to voice it.

“I realized I could have a future with you.” My smile was vulnerable but honest, and in her eyes, I could see that she knew that. When she threw one leg over my lap, straddling my hips, I allowed myself to breathe deeply again, leaning on the soft cushion while taking a hold of her ass.

“So, how are we gonna do this?” She non-nonchalantly asked, slowly rubbing herself against my still half-hard member. I groaned when I realized the implication of her words, knowing that the meaning paired with the feeling of her wet lips dragging along my cock would get it back up in no time at all. “You wanna do me right now?”

The brashness of the question made my eyes light up, as weird as it may sound. In that moment, it became clear just how perfect for me she really was, giving me what I needed exactly in the way I didn’t know how to ask for it.

“See? This is why I’m in love with you.” She rolled her eyes at that, making me laugh. I’d anticipated the gesture, I knew it’d take her longer to say it, but it was alright. The fact that she was willing me to give me a child was more than enough proof of her feelings for me, if her entire behavior ever since she moved in wasn’t already.

“Shut up and fuck me, Evans.” Throwing her back against the couch, she yelped in surprise when I took off my shirt and slapped the inside of her thigh, assuming my usual position of hovering over her smaller frame.

“Spread your fucking legs, darling. I’m gonna fuck you real good.” The way she bit her lip as I slowly penetrated her again showed me just how excited the prospect got her, and as I started to make good on my promise, her moans told me just as much.

“Holy fuck,” she commented as I pounded her ruthlessly, weeks of frustration and the rush of anticipation getting the best of me, and I was glad for the feeling of her nails biting into my skin because otherwise, I’d probably run over the edge of not even caring about her own pleasure as I chased mine.

“You gonna cum inside of me, honey? Make me a mom? Finally fulfill your dream of becoming a daddy?” Her words detracted me from my task of sucking bruises on the skin that was now mine to bruise, mine. I threw my head back, yelling a, “fuck yes,” as my hips sped up, desperate to fill her up, but I was determined to get her to cum before me.

“Say it,” she ordered, small hand circling my throat as best as she could, a throwback to what I’d done only moments prior. It wasn’t enough to choke me, but it did catch my attention. “I wanna hear you say it.”

Tears escaped the corners of my eyes as I blinked, the intensity of the moment overwhelming in the best of ways. “God, you are such a fucking tease…” She chuckled underneath me, giving my throat a squeeze before she raised up on her elbows to kiss my jaw.

“Better get used to it… daddy.” And just like that, I realized that I had yet another kink I hadn’t known about before her. Or maybe it was just her, and I was obsessed with the damn woman, painfully turned on by every little thing that she did.

“I’m gonna cum deep inside your little pussy, sweetheart,” I finally gathered myself enough to do as she asked me to. “You’re gonna belong to me forever now. Give me kids, make me happy. How do you like that?”

The mischievous grin she gave me told me everything. “I love it.” I knew this was her way of saying what she couldn’t yet voice, and I’d take it. I’d take anything she gave me, any chance I got to love this wonderful woman.

We came together, both riding our highs in deep ecstasy. I moaned when I felt myself empty all of my seed inside of her, incredibly excited about the prospect of starting our future together right then.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” I cradled her face in my hands as I struggled to catch my breath, but she turned it to the side and pressed a kiss to my palm and I was breathless all over again. It was such a simple action, why did it get to me so much?

“You’re not too bad yourself, Chris.” I didn’t want to part with her warmth, so I just adjusted us on the sofa in a way that kept me inside of her, sighing contently as I realized I’d never have to sleep away from her again.

“I’m gonna stay right here all night.” I adjusted myself so I was resting my face on her boobs, perfectly happy to do just so, but by the tone of her voice, I knew she had a teasing smile when she called me an, “Old man.”

“And here I was, thinking you’d be able to go again.” Warmth filled my chest at the realization of just how badly she wanted me - just as much as I wanted her too. I was so damn ecstatic. Not even her pokes at my age would be able to affect me.

“Oh, darling… better get ready,” I warned as I adjusted myself to hover over her again, taking notice of the excited glint in her eyes, the way she bit her lip as she stared back at me. “I’m never gonna get enough of you.”

The next morning, I added a new kink to the list of random bits of information that were driving me slowly insane as I felt the overwhelming need to bend the woman that I now got to call ‘mine’ over the nearest piece of furniture and rail her until I had cummed deep inside her pussy: seeing her in my shirt while cooking breakfast.

Yeah, I was going to live a happy life by her side.

[bora-in-tamriel]

Just Teldryn Things

Some personal Teldryn Sero headcannons I have because they’re fun to write down. I see a lot of good ones out there and agree with them, but I also have some of my own. All the more kinds of Teldryn’s to think about :)c (all are sfw)

looking back after writing for a while, I got carried away orz

edit: proofread,,, bc i didnt before apparently LOL

After wearing his helmet on for a long period of time, he has to ruffle out his mohawk before smoothing it back and that image is near and dear to my heart bless him upkeeping the stylish cut.

speaking of his hair, don’t touch it. Maybe in an intimate relationship I can see him enjoying headrubs/scratches, but otherwise hands off.

probably the type to thoughtlessly stare at someone and lazily look away when they notice. Not necessarily for any reason other than something just caught his attention and his eyes just stuck there. Not embarrassed about being caught tbh.

Definitely gives kind of lopsided toothy grins and smirks and has furrowed brows even when he’s neutral or happy, giving him that tough boy or serious look.

some consider his face marks as tattoos some as paint, personally I think they’re paint most of the time, so I can see him having worn off paint on occasion and he has to sit and redo it after long jobs with his sweaty helmet on. But I do like the idea of them being tattoos too, game just calls it warpaint so my brain rolled with it.

A grump, easily irritated and sarcastic, but also a strong sense of humor and shows it rather often too. He’ll joke about light-hearted subjects or sometimes dips into dark humor.

also laughs at his own jokes, 100%.

Doesn’t care about how others perceive him or what their opinions of him are, they can suck an egg and sod off.

He isn’t an openly anxious person, but will admit when he is uncomfortable and can be seen shaking a leg while sitting, while otherwise appearing calm. (though keeping an eye on his surroundings)

finest swordsman in all of morrowind, will not only slash and slice but knock you over the head with the handle of his sword unceremoniously knocking you out.

I see a lot of smooth Teldryn’s but this man has body hair I know that much. Both are valid. 

Hates winter, despises it, even. Snow can piss off. Also not a fan of rain, it’s cold, makes his boots sloshy and he doesn’t appreciate the after rain mixed with sweat stench. Probably likes a good breeze. As long as ash or sand is not involved.

I can see him as an enjoyer of fine vast scenery. Especially over the ocean or valleys probably. Or even a big open cityscape. 

Doesn’t like being lifted or anything holding his body and arms like big bear hugs. He’s got humor but he isn’t a cuddle bear or a ragdoll (joreus often forgets this on accident) He may enjoy close proximity, but not being restrained. Big spoon energy if anything.

He isn’t opposed to physical contact if he is close to you, but with friend’s he still doesn’t do much beyond side hugs and pats. He enjoys any cuddling in bursts and not every day. (still 50-50 if we like morning spoons or not, both are good Teldryns LOL)

Huge fan of eye contact I’d say, doesn’t like to talk to folks who fidget around or look at passerby or the ground as they talk. 

Probably enjoys spicier foods and strong drinks, not too big of a sweet tooth. 

will be on the offense in a fight or standing in front of you if you can’t defend yourself, doesn’t like being thrown to the back but if you say it stern enough, he’ll back up and let you do your thing. He’s not stubborn to defy you, just likes to fight is all.

Definitely a give-respect-get-respect kind of guy, he’s not your servant your highness, he’ll turn on his heel and go back to the Retching Netch for a new patron if you test him. 

He’s a loyal follower when accompanying you and is not scared off easily, but he’s not stupid and doesn’t take kindly to you exploiting his loyalty. (promise of keeping you safe for pay, so not the strongest bond of friendship level loyalty but he takes his job seriously)

doesn’t like when instruments are played unnecessarily loud. But enjoys the sound of a lute or a flute.

Cannot and will not sing, doesn’t mind hearing others if they have the voice for it though. will join a song if it’s one of those group songs at a party or something while having a drink with friends.

Brutally honest and doesn’t sugarcoat his opinions. That said he isn’t purposely rude nor throws his negative opinions around unnecessarily. If you ask though, be prepared for an honest answer. 

Don’t ask him where his atronach went, it does that sometimes. 

Doesn’t fancy frilly, embroidered snooty clothing. Likes a warm fur when due, but usually sticks to his usual attire. 

Circlets are not for him.

[fubukiswifenoimnotjoking]

One Punch Man ship reviews bc I’m bored

WARNING: BIG ONE PUNCH MAN WEBCOMIC AND MANGA SPOILERS

GenoSai: do I even have to say it?? They compliment each other so well and are already besties. They make me so happy and I love their love. Genos literally came into Saitama’s life and brought so much new life and excitement when Saitama thought he’d never get any. Genos gives him love and appreciation all the time and never abandons him. Saitama isn’t connected to his feelings, but he cares about Genos and would do just about anything for him, to keep him safe. Genos constantly teases Saitama and Saitama grumbles and takes it with some banter, Genos is super emotional and Saitama does his best to comfort him, they fucking love shopping together and just hanging out period, they talk about the dumbest shit and somehow they still understand each other with the one brain cell they both share. It takes Genos forever to realize his feelings are deeper and Saitama has to be TOLD by their friends that he should fucking realize his feelings already. Just...I could keep going but I’ll stop! 2718873737839439/10 (let’s not talk about the age gap btw, 6 years isn’t bad and Genos is a legal adult.)

FubuSai: the stereotypical straight ship ppl gravitate to. Eh. I can see it, but at the same time I feel like they don’t completely compliment each other. Are they a hot couple? Duh. But I feel like their pride and communication issues would get in the way. 4/10

TatsuSai: hnghhhh. Someone mentioned this before, can’t remember who, but Saitama literally thinks she’s a child in canon. So that just....makes it gross. Same problems as FubuSai but worse. I’d rather see them as hesitant friends w a weird bond. 0/10

SonSai/SonicSai/idk the ship name: eh, toxic. Cant see them getting past communication issues and pride, again. Plus Sonic wants to kill his ass. Also, I just feel no romantic tension?? Even in fanfic it just falls flat for me. 3/10

MumenSai: a favorite!! Wish I saw it more, it’s very cute. Mumen is so kind and would absolutely be there to help him w self esteem and just help him be a better person period. And Saitama would have a cute little kind guy to tease and open up to. I could maybe see Mumen’s kindness getting on Saitama’s nerves when he’s in a bad mood bc Mumen almost never snaps and Saitama feels shittier, or maybe Mumen being mad at Saitama for being kinda lazy at home while Mumen is working his ass off and he’s like babe I just got home, please stop playing the fucking game and pay attention to me I have a concussion again. Prob too nitpicky on this one, heh, but 8.4/10

Genos x Sonic: wtf? As a crack ship, sure. That’s hilarious. But as a serious ship, 1.3/10 bc I could MAYBE see them bond over their love of my chemical romance or sum.

Anyone x Puri: -128382839287473828739219833468282/10. Fuck Puri.

TatsuKing: eh. Indifferent on this one too. I can see them getting along and Tatsu being the mean but supportive gf in public, but a sweet gf in private. King could be like her calm oasis of video games and sweet blonde shy bf. I sway more towards ace/aro King and queer non binary Tatsu, but this is still good. 6/10

FubuPsy/Fubuki x Psykos/idk: hell yeah!! This series NEEDS more wlw ships, both for me to project onto and to cry over. Prob my fav Fubuki ship, cuz they’ve known each other since they were young and had a tenuous friendship. I didn’t use to ship it until I saw that scene in the wc after the MA arc (u know the one) but here we are. They’re big personalities so any interaction is bound to be chaotic at first, but I really think they’d work. Pride put to the side, Psykos could be someone for Fubuki to finally rely on other than the Blizzard Bunch, someone to confide in, a badass partner to fight monsters with, talk about nothing for hours with, be a super fashionable #girlboss couple with, and someone who would really see her for who she is-especially w Psykos knowledge of her from the past. Hell, Psykos might even know her better than Tatsumaki. Fubuki could be an anchor to her like she currently is in the wc, providing a quiet comfort and making her open up little by little. Would prob be toxic at first bc of the MA arc and their desire for power, but is a very good ship I think. 9/10

Speedal/Sonic x Mumen: an old fav! Sonic would have a hard time not hating Mumen at first bc he’s the picture definition of a hero, sum he hates. But hanging out with him would show him Mumen is a GOOD guy genuinely and he’d be like ohhhh shit I’m in love w this man. Mumen would thoroughly appreciate someone to make him live a little, break some rules and stand up to ppl when they talk over him. He’d DEFINITELY be upset when finding out Sonic is an assassin, but would prob be conflicted bc he knows Sonic is a good person despite that. Would prob make Sonic give up on killing for them to be together. Sucks bc of the assassin thing and bc they haven’t met in canon! So we’re not sure how they’d interact with each other, sigh. 7.4/10

Okamaitachi x Bushidrill: a very underrated ship! To be clear, I headcanon Kama as a trans woman and so does most of the fandom. Anyway, very sweet and already built as a friendship bc of their partnership under Atomic Samurai. I can’t remember who writes fic and makes art of them on tumblr but AAAAA it’s so good! Very sweet. Basically depicted Bushi as a nervous himbo who’s honest about his feelings but scared to say them and Kama as a sweet lady who’s crazy about Bushi. Very sweet. Want more of them!! 6.1/10

OneZon/Zombieman x One Shotter: never even thought of the ship till I saw @megidolan art work! Very wholesome, and from what little we know of Shotter we know he’s a sort of nervous yet strong willed guy, and Zombieman would totally help him calm down bc he’s so chill. I could see them sharing cigarettes and talking shit on heroes while cuddling u know? 7/10 only because I don’t see enough of it but very good concept.

Mumarou/Mumen x Garou: a lot of ppl are gonna hate me for this but....I don’t like it. I’ve tried! I just—idk. I’ve read so many good fics about them that make me like it a bit, but the concept is just eh. I think their relationship is, in most reps, really cliche angsty stuff. I wish I could elaborate I just...gah! Basically, there’s better ships for the both of them imo. Sorry!! 4.3/10

Sonic x Flashy/SonFlash: yes!! Prob my fav Sonic ship. They have soooo much tension, it’s almost worse than Genos’ tension w Saitama. Flashy LITERALLY poisoned Sonic so that he wouldn’t be forced to kill him at the ninja graduation. He cares. They’ll never say it out loud, but they care. They have someone who understands what they went through in each other and someone they’re both so similar to, yet so different from. Sonic is more vocal about his expressions and let’s people know it while Flashy often keeps things to himself, they could really influence the other to be more this or that. I could see a lot of comfort with these two, and not much is needed for relationship development; they already have so much unspoken between them after meeting for the first time in years. Love it. Wish I saw it more! 10/11

KingSai: wonderful! Out of the few ppl Saitama is close to, def my second fav pick for a ship for him. There’s a post saying how Saitama doesn’t cut King off when he’s going on rants about games and stuff bc he’s talking TO Saitama, not at him like Genos tends to do on accident. They’re already great buddies! Saitama could find a shy gamer man who he can talk to about manga and stuff and also a passionate bf who could break out of his shell w Saitama and be himself with no lies. King can have someone to protect him, duh, someone who finally understands his weird sense of humor, and someone to shower him in the love and kindness he deserves when Saitama is in the mood to be all out like that w his affections. Plus he’s Saitama’s anchor and brings him back down when he’s super anxious and depressed and tells him what’s up that he needs to fix without sugarcoating it. Would def have a bunch of inside jokes and go on dates that are just staying inside playing video games all night. Domestic af. 10/10

Fubuki x Mizuki: my first wlw Fubuki ship! Hard to find but very good. Mizuki is this big ball of kindness, energy, and raw power that would make Fubuki go ‘Ohhhhhhh, big pretty lady make brain go brrr.’ I could see Mizuki grounding Fubuki when she’s in over her head, giving her random gifts bc she saw sum and thought of her, doing a marathon run and wildly waving at Fubuki in the crowd, and all around being a dependable woman confident in herself and in love with a mysterious esper. Prob a little shy when it comes to anything physical bc she loves Fubuki so much and is overwhelmed by the realness of being w her. Fubuki gives Mizuki advice on ‘acting like a proper hero’ or whatever and though Mizuki thinks she doesn’t need it, Fubuki still helps her a lot w her career and being taken more seriously by others. Would give Mizuki someone who loves her for who she is and would go wild on her in private when she can be open about her affection, would be someone Mizuki could exercise with and listen intently to Mizuki’s physical knowledge, and would absolutely bandage her when she’s all banged up. Hnghh love this ship. It’s only behind the FubuPsy ship juuuuust a little bc they haven’t met in canon so we can’t be sure about their interactions and stuff. 8.8/10, I love WOMEN

Batarou: how could I go this far without mentioning them?! They have SOOOO much tension in the centichoro fight, like come on. Both snarky assholes who are huge softies one the inside, Badd being the more logical one (still a himbo, tho) and Garou being the more chaotic one. Probably take forever to admit their feelings bc they’re so prideful and stupid <3 flirt through constant wrestling matches and it takes Genos saying ‘they should kiss already, they’re getting on his nerves’ for them to finally realize what’s up. (@rayadraws has a great au where Garou Genos and Badd are a chaotic friend squad and Genos is the only brain of the group, haha. Very good au y’all check it out!) Would constantly pick on each other affectionately and switch into concerned SO when the other is hurt like the big teddy bears they are. Raise Zenko together for sure. Garou would fumble being romantic and Badd would find it both hilarious and cute. 11/12

Zombie mask/Amai x Zombieman:

So. I don’t like Amai Mask and I used to hate him, BUT the webcomic and fic have really helped me calm down on him (he’s still a dick tho), so it’s easier to want to ship him and stuff. Bc of Amai’s anger issues and controlling behavior, I could see this relationship being super toxic and icky—but I think they have some form of understanding that pulls Amai back from being a complete dick, you know? Start off as fuck buddies and slowly form something else from spending companionable time together other than screwing. Zombieman pulls Amai back from his angry fits and soothes him over with his logic. Talk maaaaaad shit about heroes, but only when they’re alone because Zombieman knows Amai will talk loud af about the heroes they’re roasting and Zombie doesn’t wanna stop a fight from happening. Zombieman loves making Amai flustered and has a secret check list in his head of all the things that get Amai red faced. Loves to listen to Amai rant about things for hours and loves to watch his face go through almost cartoon like expressions as he talks. He won’t admit it, but Zombie loves to be spoiled by Amai’s shit tons of cash and often takes rides in Amai’s limos when he wants to smoke and think to himself. Amai has a hard time realizing how his feelings have changed, but gets hit hard with it when he wakes up to Zombie making them breakfast one morning while wearing Amai’s underwear. Amai also loves to spoil Zombie and takes him out to restaurants and buys him cool new weapons on the weekends. @batneko has pretty much gotten me into this ship and I strongly suggest looking at their works! 7.9/10

DemonKnight/Genos x Zero/Drive Knight: I’m pretty sure this used to be a crack ship before the past like 10 manga chapters—and now here we are! Not a fav bc 1. ZERO LEFT GENOS TO SELF DESTRUCT AFTER THEY COMBINED TO FORM THE FUCKING JET HE WAS JUST LIKE lol bye SO LIKE if he left him to die that’s super hard for me to forgive and ship grrr 2. Disregarding the manga’s canon and looking at the wc, while I love the little trip they went on where Zero demonstrated his abilities and helped Genos kill monsters, it’s super sus. He knew alllll of this info on Metal Knight and was super supportive and understanding when Genos said he needed time to think. Like,,,what are his intentions? We know so little about him—is he trying to trick Genos or was he being sincere? THAT STUFF ASIDE, they’re a really fun ship. They’re both huge fucking nerds and can keep up with their talk on robotics for hours, they’re both cyborgs so they understand each other’s pain, and they’re both super cool and angsty. I think they could really settle into a deep bond that can go platonic or romantic, just depends. Genos needs more ppl in his life so hell yeah! Plus, he can really let go with Zero bc they don’t have that teacher/student relationship and Zero, if he’s really a sincere and kind guy like in the wc, can be there for Genos and listen to him. Don’t have much to say on this ship other than @wellthisisembarrassing makes GORGEOUS art of them! 6.3/10

Webuiko/Suiko x Webigaza: YEAH I KNOW THEY HAVENT INTERACTED IN CANON AND WE DONT KNOW MUCH ABOUT THEM BUT HEAR ME OUT. Webigaza—cool af determined cyborg idol who’s surprisingly down to earth when talking with Child Emperor. Suiko—sassy and honest fighter who doesn’t take shit and is very passionate. Suiko would go to talk to Web then immediately freak out bc aaaa she’s way prettier than she thought, she can’t do this! Web would have to gently encourage Suiko to talk and at first is like ‘ah man, must be an adoring fan, ugh I’m so tired. At least she’s hot’ but when Suiko snaps out of her shyness Web is like oh! She’s super cool wtf. Always bump into each other during fights and help each other get fixed up, Suiko using her muscle power to lift Web’s pieces (and give Web a great view of Suiko’s muscles holy SHIT) and Web would patch Suiko up. Not to be stereotypical, but they’re def a masc/femme couple. I love the idea of this ship soooo much and I really hope they interact! 6.6/10 only bc they haven’t met 😭😭😭 look them up on here! There’s some great art of them by a few blogs

Dr. Kuseno x Bang: pretty sure @baldyborg came up with this one! Super cute. Just two old dudes finding a nice friendship in each other, maybe after Bang helps carry Genos to Kuseno’s after a day of fighting. Bang would find Kuseno to be a very cute little nerd man and would be sooo impressed by Kuseno’s mad scientist skills. Kuseno would be super impressed when seeing Bang in action too. They’d prob talk as soon as they meet each other and Genos would be in the background like you guys it’s been an hour, please fix me I’m on the verge of death 🧍🏻Bang would give Kuseno advice on training techniques to teach Genos and advice on making his bodies more martial arts ready or sum, meanwhile Kuseno would give his take on how to be kinder to Garou so that Bang would learn to repair the relationship with a gentleness he’s seemingly lacking (yes I’m talking about the chapter where he and Garou start fighting and Bang is just not doing enough to reach out to Garou, he’s being a callous old man! So yeah I’m still mad about that). Genos and Saitama would prob be out on a date and Saitama would be like oh theres Bang, wonder what he’s doing? Then Kuseno would walk up and kiss Bang and Genos and Sai would be shocked like SIRS 👬 Genos would tell Bang he doesn’t need another adoptive dad and Bang would be like....ok.... I see them retiring in a cottage together and Bang would become a huge softie. Yes I’m actively ignoring chapter 141 of the wc, shut up. 7.6/10

TankTop master x Mumen: they have a nice friendship going on in the manga right now! Just bros supporting bros. Tank is the picture definition of a muscly himbo and Mumen is his cute passionate bf. Also workout buddies af!! Don’t have much to say other than pretty good ship, just not a fav. 5.2/10

To sum it up—

GenoSai: 2718873737839439/10, Batarou: 11/12, SonFlash: 10/11, KingSai: 10/10, FubuPsy: 9/10, Fubuki x Mizuki: 8.8/10, MumenSai: 8.4/10, ZombieMask: 7.9/10, Dr. Kuseno x Bang: 7.6/10, Speedal: 7.4/10, OneZon: 7/10, Webuiko: 6.6/10, DemonKnight: 6.3/10, Okamaitachi x Bushidrill: 6.1/10, TatsuKing: 6/10, TankTop Master x Mumen: 5.2/10, Mumarou: 4.3/10, FubuSai: 4/10, SonSai: 3/10, Genos x Sonic: 1.3/10, TatsuSai: 0/10, anyone x Puri: -1283828319833468282/10

If there’s any ships I left out, it’s bc I don’t know them, don’t wanna talk about them, or just don’t have an opinion strong enough. Also, I know there are some poly ships like Genos x Saitama x Fubuki, but I’ve read only one fic about that (it was pretty good, here’s the link https://archiveofourown.org/works/5406992 ) so I don’t feel like talking about it. Hope no ones offended! All my opinion here :)

[coconutstars]

Right people at the wrong time p.II

Part I Part III Part IV

Pairing: Stiles + reader   Prompt: Perhaps, we were the right people at the wrong time Summary: Two years has passed and reader is back in Beacon Hill. She has neither spoken nor seen Stiles (or Scott for that matter) since the huge fight. But we all know Beacon Hills is a small town and BH high is an even smaller school so yeah, shit’s about to go down.  A/N: Sooo...This fic is going to be so much longer than I'd initially anticipated. There’s so much I want to squeeze in. I love writing it though and hopefully y’all love reading it. I’m thinking there’s probably going to be 1? possibly 2? more parts. We’ll see. Depends if you guys want a continuation. Enjoy, and as always, I  appreciate constructive criticism on my work so... yeah feel free to message me. Also those of you who know me know I'm the master of mixing past and present tense, just roll with it :’) 

[ :: ]

You weren’t sure if it was fate or coincidence that had brought your family back to Beacon Hills. At this point it didn’t really matter. You were here, regardless if you wanted to or not. You were panicking in the front seat of your car, mentally preparing yourself to get out and walk through those double doors to Beacon Hills high. ‘You’ve got this’ you mumbled under your breath. ‘You can do this. Just breath’. You were gripping the steering wheel so tightly your knuckles were beginning to whiten. ‘it’s a big school. He’s not…” you quickly dismissed the thought brewing in your mind. You’d been trying to convince yourself all morning that your nerves had absolutely nothing to do with the brown eyed boy you’d once loved. They boy you’d gotten into a huge fight with and not seen or spoken to in two years. The boy who’d explicitly explained he hated you. Oh no. Your nerves had absolutely nothing to do with him. 

You leaned forward and rested your head against the steering wheel.

‘Get. Your. Shit. Together.’ You whispered.

You knew you looked like an idiot. But who cared? You had bigger things to worry about than kids passing by thinking you were crazy. Worries like accidently running into Sti… NO. You scolded yourself. You refused to even think of his name. He was a closed chapter. A done deal. Besides, you hadn’t thought of him in almost two years and you certainly weren’t going to start now. It’s just…things had ended so incredibly bad between you. Stiles had hurt you. Like, really hurt you. His words had stuck with you for longer than you cared to admit. He’d made you insecure and to this very day you still couldn’t be yourself around friends without his words echoing in your head. “You’re needy, clingy and just a charity case Scott and I have been trying to shake since 8th grade” It hurt.

Exhaling a breath, you sat back up and cast a glance at the watch around your wrist. Shit. You really needed to get out of the car, or you’d be forced to walk into class late. Everyone would notice and the teacher would most likely force you to stand in front of the class and introduce yourself. You’d stutter and get all flushed and… sigh. It just wasn’t an option. Mustering your strength, you got out of the car and, with an anxious moan, walked through the doors to BH high.

Ten minutes later and you were making your way to your first class of the day. It’d been a while since you last walked the halls of beacon hills high, but you seemed to still be able to find your way around. With one arm gripping your textbooks, you used your free hand to bring your travel coffee cup to your lips. You weren’t sure if it was the caffeine or nerves that were making your hands shake, most likely a mix of both. Looking at the plaque beside the door you made sure it was the right classroom before stepping in. You were just about to walk to an empty seat when you stopped dead in your tracks.

Oh god.

Oh god.

Oh.

God.

For a moment it was like you completely forgot how to function.

Your heart was racing. You had this panicky feeling of not know what to do because right in front of you, propped up on a worn-out desk across the room was him. Stiles. For a moment your eyes met, and it was like the air was sucked out of the room. The only thing you could focus on was the sensation of utter panic coursing through your veins.

Instantly you shifted your gaze and slid into a desk in the back of the room as far away from him as you could possibly get. This was literally the one thing. The. One. Thing. you’d prayed wouldn’t happen. But hey, when had things ever gone your way?

It was impossible to focus during class. You were on edge the entire time. Every part of your body was tense. Even your hands. You’d hid a balled up fists in your lap while the other held on to the coffee cup for dear life. Thank god it was made of hard plastic and not paper. It would have crimpled in your hand like wet clay. When the bell finally rang you were out of your seat before anyone even had time to pack up their things.

Second period was way better. You ended up talking to the girl seated next to you in class. She offered you to sit with her and her friends during lunch and you’d gladly agreed. “They’re dorks but I love them” she said with a bubbly laugh as you made your way across the courtyard. “aren’t we all” you replied with a small smile. There was something so genuine about this girl. So kind and good. “Oh, there they are!” she raised her hand to wave just as a familiar voice called her name. “Kira!” ‘ARE YOU KIDDING ME’ you screamed internally. Instant panic. Scott was sitting on one of the metal benches smiling widely at Kira. Beside him sat a short, blonde guy in lacrosse gear and Stiles. Stiles. God damn Stiles.

Seriously. Who had you killed in your previous life to deserve this kind of hell? “Come on” Kira smiled, nudging you forward. You hadn’t realized you’d stop moving. “Uh…I’m going to…” you began pointing backwards but Kira had already hooked her arm in yours and forcing you forward. “They’re really nice” she said cheerfully. Scott had raised his hand to wave back at Kira but lowered it as he saw you. He looked thoughtful for a minute but then his face shone up in a smile. All you could think was “a charity case Scott and I have been trying to shake since 8th grade” “a charity case Scott and I…” The distance was closing in and your pulse and nerves were going absolutely haywire.

To make matters worse, walking in from the opposite side of the yard, strawberry blonde hair moving slightly as she moved, was Lydia Martin.

Her green eyes searched across the yard until finally finding her target. Oh. OH. Your eyes widened in shock. With determined steps Lydia walked down the pathway, a grin curving her lips, right to Stiles.