#still working on the master post and i am struggling a bit when it comes to asking for help

[savage-rhi]

been trying to conjure the words for a while, but as someone who’s got family who’s also going through some really tough shit involving mental health work, i just wanna say i’m so sorry you lost your job—but you won’t ever have to work with these people again, at least!

definitely look into legal routes, don’t be afraid to ask for support, and don’t give up. and be sure to rest and recuperate, etc. ableism is insidious as fuck, but you can rise above the lows it throws your way!

(hopefully that all was worded somewhat gracefully. i just am so sorry you’re experiencing this shit, man. but you’ll make it out alive! ❤️)

You don't have to worry about wording things gracefully hon. I know you mean well and didn't see anything here that was warranted as an offense.

Thank you for the condolences. This is one thing I'm hanging onto, that I don't have to work with these people ever again.

I will do everything within my skillset and empathy to never dehumanize or treat anybody the way I was treated as a mental health provider. I'd like to think I do a good job of that already, creating a brave space for people, and this experience nailed it in that I won't allow myself to stoop to this level of being insidious as fuck to a human being.

I don't know the full context of what your family member is going through, but hearing that, I hope they get through the ordeal especially if they are dealing with folks who do not have their best interests in mind.

Thank you again for the condolences and for checking in 💙🫂

[tip-top-cloud-surfer]

The Danger Zone (Part 22) - Hangman

Pairing: Hangman / Fem!Bradshaw!Reader | OC

Word Count: 3.0k

This work, all my works, and my entire blog are 18+ ONLY.

Warnings: Post-Partum Depression and Anxiety; Insomnia; Breast Feeding; Life with a Newborn; Post-Labor Struggles; Mental Health Issues; Medical Inaccuracies; Use of "You," No Use of Y/N, No Set Physical Description

Summary: You are not yourself. Jake is worried.

A.N. Please read the tags. I am not a medical professional. This chapter deals with PPD. If that is triggering, please skip it.

Series Master List

Master List

You had truly learned the meaning of the word ‘exhausted.’ Everything just felt heavy, and your brain was completely clouded. You were just running on autopilot. And you still just couldn’t sleep. 

Waking up while Jake continued to snooze beside you, you slipped out of bed and stood beside your daughter’s crib, watching over her nervously. She was sleeping peacefully but you still placed your finger in front of her face until you could feel her breath. But even then, you stood there, watching her to make sure that she was safe and alright. 

Jake rolled over in his sleep, reaching his arm out for you. But his arm rested against the bed instead of your hip and he started to grow cold from the blankets being moved. Jake blinked awake a few moments later and sat up to see you hovering anxiously above Maisie’s crib. 

Letting out a soft sigh, Jake got out of bed and slowly walked over to stand beside you. You didn’t acknowledge him, still glued to the image of your daughter. Jake gently reached out, wrapping his arm around your waist, and pressed a soft kiss to the side of your head. You still didn’t turn to acknowledge him. 

“She’s fine, Honey. She’s just sleeping.”

“I thought I heard her crying,” you told him softly.

"She's safe. She's just sleeping."

"But what if she's hungry?"

“She ate,” Jake reminded you gently. 

“But I don’t think that she ate enough. What if she’s not getting enough, Jake?”

“We’re going to see the pediatrician in a few days,” Jake stated calmly, rubbing his thumb in circles over your hip. “But she wouldn’t be sleeping soundly if she was hungry.” Gently giving your hip a squeeze, he added, “Come back to bed. She’s sleeping. She’s fine.” 

It took about fifteen more minutes of coaxing, but Jake finally got you to climb back into bed. But you still laid awake, staring at where your daughter lay, a million different worst case-scenarios running through your mind. And when Maisie finally did cry, you were beside her crib again before Jake could pick his head up.

He watched you, a bit defeated, as you picked Maisie up and carried her back to bed, urging her to latch and feed. Jake sat up to help you, but you seemed to be in your own world.

“Come on, Maisie,” you urged, an edge of panic in your tone as your daughter didn’t immediately latch on. “Come on.”

After a bit more fuss, Maisie finally started to feed, which let you finally take a breath. You turned to Jake when he reached out and gently grabbed your hand, giving it a squeeze. 

“Are you okay?” Jake asked quietly, causing you to nod and look down at your daughter.

“She’s feeding.” 

“But are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you insisted, watching your daughter. “She’s feeding.” 

“I’ll get her next time.” Leaning down so that he could look up and assess your expression, Jake reached out and gently brushed your cheek with his fingers. “You need to get some sleep. You’re still recovering yourself.” 

You nodded absentmindedly, not agreeing or disagreeing with him, which only made Jake more concerned. He was worried about you. And the guilt that he felt while he was stationed away from you seemed to have returned with a vengeance. 

Maisie unlatched and even though you tried to get her to latch again and feed, she scrunched up her nose and turned away from you. Jake stepped in and gently took Maisie from your arms. You watched him with a defeated expression as he started to burp her.

“What’s wrong?” Jake asked you softly as Maisie whined and wiggled a bit against him. 

“Do you think she got enough?” 

“She didn’t want to eat anymore. She’s full. I can feel it in her belly,” Jake joked, but you didn’t laugh. Sobering and staring at you with concern, Jake added, “Go to bed. I’ll get her changed. Just get some sleep, Honey. You’ll feel better.” 

He leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to the side of your head before rolling out of bed with your daughter. You watched them go, staring listlessly at the door. Slowly fixing your shirt, you laid down and rolled over. Closing your eyes, you buried your head in your pillow as tears dripped down your cheeks. 

Jake, meanwhile, finished up changing Maisie’s diaper and picked her up off the changing table, pressing a series of kisses to her cheek. Maisie let out a little coo, sticking her tongue out as she kicked her feet. Jake moved to sit on the couch with her and rested her against his chest as he leaned back. 

“We’re just going to stay out here for a little bit. So that your mommy can go back to sleep.”

Jake gently rubbed your daughter’s back, pressing a lingering kiss to her head. Maisie, with a full belly and fresh diaper, didn’t spend too much more time awake before she dozed off again. Jake checked his watch before slowly standing up. 

Walking back into your bedroom, Jake was relieved to find you asleep. He gently set Maisie back down in her crib. Getting back into bed, Jake was careful not to disturb you. You had barely slept since you came home from the hospital and he knew that it was taking a toll on you. Taking one last glance at his whole world, Jake moved to go to bed too. 

~~~~~

You and Jake sat in the waiting area of the pediatrician's office. Maisie sat in her baby carrier at Jake’s feet, content. Jake could tell that you were anxious with all of the other people in the room and gently rested his hand over your bouncing knee. You turned to him as you fiddled with your wedding band and Jake offered you a supportive smile. 

“It’s okay. We’ll be in and out. Alright?” 

“I know,” you replied, before going right back to your nervous fiddling. 

The medical assistant eventually walked out from behind the door and called Maisie’s name. Jake picked up Maisie’s carrier and the three of you made your way back. Maisie was weighed and measured, during which you nervously fisted the back of Jake’s shirt, before you were taken to an exam room. 

The pediatrician walked in a few minutes later and greeted you kindly before moving to check up on Maisie. Jake took your daughter out of the carrier and laid her down on the exam table. Your heart leapt into your throat when Maisie whined. Holding your fist to your lips, you stared at your daughter as Jake looked back at you with concern. 

The pediatrician conducted her standard checkup. Jake stood behind the exam table, smiling as Maisie stuck her tongue out and waved her fists. The pediatrician listed off a few questions that you and Jake answered, before moving to chart. 

“She’s still taking her time to grow,” the pediatrician stated, causing your heart to jolt.

“She’s not growing?” you asked, your blood pressure steadily rising. Jake reached for your hand, but you ignored him, stepping towards your daughter. Looking Maisie over yourself, you turned back to the pediatrician urgently. “Is she sick?”

“No, I don’t believe so. She’s still growing, just at a slower rate.” 

“Should we be concerned?”

“Not yet, no. Every baby is different and grows at their own rate. And they usually catch up in their own time,” the pediatrician explained, though it did little to soothe you. 

“Usually?” you repeated, feeling your stomach contract and twist. 

“Yes. We’ll just monitor her, that’s all. You said that she seems to be feeding regularly?” 

“Yes, but I don’t think she’s feeding enough.” 

“What makes you think that she’s not getting enough?” 

“Well, she’s not growing enough,” you insisted, causing the pediatrician to pause. 

“She’s perfectly healthy. Just a little small, that’s all. I see plenty of small babies that grow up to be tall adults. It just takes some time for some babies.” 

“Is there anything that we can do? Or anything that we should stop doing?”

“Just keep doing what you’re doing. If it would help your peace of mind, you can keep a log of your daughter’s feedings and—” 

“—I already have one.” 

You pulled out your phone and searched for your log as Jake watched you closely. Showing the pediatrician your feeding log, you waited anxiously as she read through it. 

“She seems to be feeding normally. I think that she’s just a little small, that’s all. Nothing to be worried about. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Your daughter is healthy and happy.” 

“Thank you,” Jake spoke up, moving to put Maisie back into her carrier.

“You’re sure that we can wait until the next appointment before changing anything?” you asked as Jake stood up with Maisie.

“I am,” the pediatrician assured you before opening the door. 

After making Maisie’s next appointment, you and Jake headed out to the car. Getting into the back with Maisie, you missed Jake’s worried glance. He turned around to face you, watching you hover over your daughter again.

“She’s okay, Honey. You heard the doctor. It’s probably nothing. She’s just small.” 

“But what if it isn't nothing, Jake?” you snapped, causing him to pause. “What if something's wrong with her?” 

“Then we’ll handle it like we handled everything else that life threw at us." Jake turned around to face you, though you didn't meet his gaze. "She’s going to be fine, Honey.” 

You didn’t respond to him, continuing to hover over your daughter, like you were expecting some threat to jump out of nowhere and hurt her. Jake focused on the road, but his mind was in the backseat with you and your daughter. 

~~~~~

When the three of you returned home, Jake moved to give you some space. He offered to watch Maisie, but you insisted on watching her yourself. And so, Jake left you downstairs to go and paint the nursery. The two of you were slowly putting your house together and the mindless work just helped him refocus. 

It took a lot to shake Jake Seresin. But you were really starting to shake him. You weren't you. And it terrified him.

Painting the final wall with the first coat of paint, Jake paused when he heard Maisie cry. He waited for you to get her, since he assumed that you were hovering over her again. But when too much time passed and Maisie only cried louder, he dropped the paint brush and hurried downstairs. Turning the corner, Jake spotted you and Maisie in the living room.

Maisie was lying safely in her bassinet, letting out shrill cries with a bright red face. And you were curled up on the floor a few feet from her, sobbing as you held your hands over your ears. Jake looked frantically between the two of you before going to Maisie first as she let out another piercing wail. 

“Hey there, Maisie Baisie, it’s alright,” Jake cooed, scooping his daughter up and holding her to his chest. Patting her back and bouncing her as he watched you worriedly, Jake tried to get Maisie to stop crying. “What’s bothering you?” 

After getting Maisie to stop crying after changing her diaper, Jake placed her back in her bassinet before hurrying over to you. You were still sobbing uncontrollably, curling up on yourself. Jake kneeled down in front of you and gently grabbed your wrists and tried to pull them away from your ears. 

“Honey, what’s wrong?” 

You sobbed out a response that Jake couldn’t piece together, so he simply pulled you into his arms and tried to get you to stop crying and shaking. Repeating over and over again that Maisie was alright, Jake rested his head on top of your own and forced himself to remain calm and focused. 

“It’s my fault,” you whimpered out, causing Jake to frown.

“What are you talking about?” 

“Maisie. It’s all my fault,” you sobbed, which only made Jake hug you tighter. 

“Nothing’s wrong with Maisie. She’s healthy. She’s fine.” 

“She’s small.” 

“For now. She just needs some time to grow, that’s all,” Jake reiterated, rubbing your back as you continued to shake. 

“I’m a failure,” you sobbed out. “My mom raised two kids on her own and I can’t even feed my daughter enough!” 

“Honey, you’re being too hard on yourself. Maisie is safe. She’s healthy. You’ve done everything that you’re supposed to do. You’re an amazing mom to her.”

You didn’t respond, except with more tears, and Jake just held you as you cried. Resting his head against your own and forcing himself to keep his voice level and without too much emotion, he moved to speak gently but firmly.

“I’m worried about you, Honey. You’re not you.” 

“I’m sorry,” you sobbed, causing Jake to squeeze you tighter.

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault,” Jake insisted softly. “None of this is your fault.” Gently cupping your cheeks and staring into your eyes, Jake stared at you with all of the love and support in the world. “It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. And I’m going to be here for you and Maisie through all of it. Alright?”

“Okay,” you croaked out shakily. 

“I love you and Maisie with everything that I have. And I’ll be here every single step of the way, alright? I’m not leaving you two.” 

You nodded in return, unable to put your emotions into words. Jake pressed another kiss to your forehead and pulled you in for another hug, unable to prevent a few tears from sliding down his own cheeks.

~~~~~

You stared at the woman across from you, nervously fiddling with your hands. After a few calls, Jake got you an appointment with a psychologist who specialized in PPD. He was waiting with Maisie out in the car now, which gave you some peace of mind, but you were anything but comfortable. 

“Any history of anxiety or depression?” she asked kindly.

“Both, yeah.”

“Can you tell me about those experiences?” 

“It was when I was a teenager. My mom died. Cancer. And my brother left me with our godfather about a year later and I was just . . . I felt like my whole life just crumbled in an instant. They eventually diagnosed me and put me on some medication.” 

“And did it work?”

“Yeah, I went off of it about two years later.” 

“And have you had any other experiences with anxiety or depression since then? During your pregnancy especially?” 

“I wasn’t diagnosed with anything.” 

“Did you ever experience any symptoms though?"

“I had a rough first and third trimester,” you stated quietly.

“Can you elaborate?” 

“My pregnancy was unexpected and there was a lot of tension at that time with telling everyone and dealing with that. I made some mistakes, and I could have handled it better." You bit down on your lip, glancing down at your shoes. "And for my third trimester, my husband was deployed unexpectedly.” Fiddling with your wedding band again, you added, “It was very difficult. Emotionally.” 

"Can you describe your thought process at the time? What were your concerns at the time?"

"Jake, my husband, he had become my support system through my pregnancy. He was there for everything, helped me through anything and with anything. And then he was just gone. And I had other help, but I just wanted him."

"Was the timing the concern or the fact that he was deployed?"

"Both, I think," you admitted quietly. "I needed him. And he made it, but he almost wasn't there. And I just spent so much time angry because he wasn't there."

"At him?"

"No, no," you replied quickly, shaking your head. "At . . ." You paused, trying to put your emotions into words. "I'm just tired of people I care about being ripped away from me."

~~~~~

Outside in the car, Jake was entertaining Maisie, who was smiling and cooing as she reached out for the toy. Jake tickled her tummy when he got a phone call. 

“Hey, Penny,” he answered quietly, still entertaining Maisie.

“How’s it going?” 

“She’s only twenty minutes into her appointment,” Jake stated, glancing over at the clock. “She was nervous.” 

“It’s not easy to admit that you need help,” Penny replied, causing Jake to nod. After a moment, she asked, “How are you holding up?” 

“I’m fine. I’m just trying to do everything that I can before I go back to work next week.” 

“Maverick, Sarah, and I are all ready to be there for her and Maisie. But don't think about that right now. You still have time with them,” Penny reassured him, though she knew that he was still going to be concerned. “How is Maisie?”

“She’s perfect,” Jake replied, looking down at his daughter. Tickling her again, Jake smiled as she cooed at him. “She’s still small, which her mom is worried about, but the doctors say she's healthy.” 

“She just needs some time and support, that’s all. They both do."

"I know."

"You know that we're here for you too, Jake, right? Anything any of you three needs, we're here for you."

"Thanks, Penny."

~~~~~

“How do you feel about going on medication again?” the psychologist asked, causing you to look down. 

“I need to go on medication?” 

“I think that given your symptoms and your past success with medication, it would be a good idea for both you and your baby. I’m particularly concerned about your insomnia and how it’s affecting your recovery.” 

“Would I have to stop breastfeeding?” 

“Not necessarily, no. But is your ability to breastfeed a source of anxiety for you?” 

“I guess it can be,” you admitted quietly, shifting in your seat. 

“Well, I’ll start you on a low dose, which is safe for your daughter. But if you feel that continuing to breastfeed is a source of anxiety, then we can discuss it at your next appointment. And you can also reach out to your obstetrician or your daughter’s pediatrician to figure out a solution that works best for you and your daughter.” 

Your psychologist went through a few more things with you before you booked another appointment. Walking out to the car, you slowly slid into the passenger’s seat. 

“How did it go?” Jake asked you softly as you set the pamphlets and paperwork down.

“She wanted to put me on medication.” 

“Are you okay with going on medication?” Jake questioned kindly. 

You shrugged your shoulders, more tears forming in your eyes. Jake leaned over to wipe your tears away lovingly, which made you shudder, remembering how you yelled at him before.

“I just want to go back to normal,” you breathed out shakily. “I just want to be me again.” 

“You will be. It’ll get better. And I’ll be here through it all.” You nodded slowly, letting the tears fall freely as Jake pressed a kiss to the side of your head. “I love you so much, Honey.” 

“Thank you,” you croaked out., “for not leaving me.” 

"I'm never leaving you. You're stuck with me, Honey." He pressed another kiss to your head. "In sickness and in health,” Jake reminded you, causing you to nod slowly. 

Getting Maisie settled again into her car seat, Jake took your hand in his own and started to drive the three of you home. 

A.N. I am not a medical professional nor am I an expert in postpartum depression/anxiety. This chapter was written based on stories of mothers who have gone through this and some medical research. This is not meant to be inclusive of all of the ways that PPD can present, and it is also not meant to make it seem like PPD is easy to spot, diagnose, or treat. 

In this case, Honey’s demeanor in her last trimester and her past struggles already clued in Jake and others. PPD is more common in women who have previously experienced depression or who were depressed during pregnancy, both of which are true of Honey. This isn’t the last that PPD will be mentioned in this story (as that would be inaccurate) but it will be less prominently featured in future chapters if you find it triggering. 

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[chevelleneech]

Leslye’s latest interview kinda makes me seem like a writer or something, idk🧐

J/k! But on a serious note, I do think my interest in screenwriting informs a lot of how I interpret the things I watch. I’m not pretending to be exceptional or better than anyone else, but I am going to pat myself on the back the tiniest bit, because I said something similar to what she said about Qimir knowing Osha wasn’t Mae in the apothecary. He knew, and her power drew him in almost instantly.

As well, in this post about Sol confusing Mae and Osha when they were younger, I said I was pretty sure it was done to highlight just how little Sol understood his emotions and his supposed connection to Osha. He felt one, yes, but that doesn’t mean he knew enough about the twins to decide he had a right to act on it.

Anyway, this was fun to read and kind of learn what I (and many other people surely) were right in our interpretations of. Sol meant well, yet acted wrong. And although Qimir was painted as the antagonist this season (even though I think the secret of what happened on Brendok is the true villain) he still sees Osha for who she is, no matter the fact that he wants her to tap into her power for personal gain, to an extent.

This understanding also informs why and almost how Leslye foresees Oshamir coming about. Because in other parts, she speaks about how Qimir still doesn’t say directly he is a Sith, and above she mentions how he feels the pull of her power and wants to train her same as Sol, and how that points to who her true Master will be.

If her words are to be taken at face value, Oshamir will happen, I think, because their Master and Pupil relationship won’t work. Sol was a Jedi raised on honor, peace, loyalty, control, and authority. Yet he struggled well into adulthood with most of those things, which caused mass murder. Qimir, based on what he’s said, was also raised on those things yet realized the latter three were unsustainable. Which Osha has felt since she was a child that unquestioned loyalty to authority figures whom only give you a semblance of control wasn’t what she wanted forever.

So Qimir is going to be training someone who is almost too much like him in beliefs, yet someone who likely isn’t as non-discriminate in her killing. Meaning they’re going to butt heads over what is right and wrong, and end up having to talk more to understand each other’s side better. And getting to know each other’s moral lines and triggers to avoid, inevitably grows them closer together. Therefore, their Master/Pupil dynamic is thrown out the window, because there’s already sexual tension between them and they haven’t even fought for real yet, lol.

[marte-14]

<MINUS / NEXT>

On a superficial level he seems to be a more laid back and open Time.

He doesn't hide his adventures beyond cryptic phrases.

The reality is very different.

While Time has the heart of a child beyond a hard exterior, Space has a heart full of negativity hidden behind a warm exterior.

Space didn't lose his family and was raised in the lorulian world, not by forest spirits like Time.

He was quickly recognised as the chosen Hero from a very young age, he immediately took on his role seriously and with efficiency (he never was a 'normal' kid).

When he was 9 (his Master Sword never put him to sleep) his world was on the verge of a war to get to the Triforce.

The Royal Family decided to destroy it, they gave the mission to find a way to Space.

He used a magical instrument (still to decide which one) to make him travel through space and dimensions, which gave him the possibility to travel to alternative dimensions in his Universe, gather what he needed and then to destroy the Triforce.

This dimension travel will create the alternative Universe, from which his three descendants come from (they work the same as the timelines of Lu)

Anyway, he doesn't have a Navi and he will suffer a lot of solitude.

After his first Quest, he will only get more and more overworked by the royal family, which will only lead him to lose more of his childhood.

Then, the royal family will ask him to take away the Space instrument he used to hide it and protect it, he is only 11 years old.

This will, by accident, start his second quest where he will travel to millions of dimensions and different plains of reality to prevent the world from collapsing.

Just like Termina, there aren't proofs that this place actually existed , outside Space's memories.

Like Time, he got consequences from all this dimension travelling.

He can see more plains of existence at once, which make him see things that aren't there, and his body was constantly changing shapes and dimensions (which only could see)

His age is not an issue, but he cannot be depicted in any way, both in photos and painting, his form will always change.

In recorded history after him, there aren't descriptions of his aspect.

His personality change happened after he got married to his wife, Alma, with time he realised how cruel it was to put on him all those decisions and responsibilities.

So he started his childhood a bit late, still he struggles with acting like this.

For this motive he is not the leader of the Ravios, leaving that duty to Astral.

He and Time have a complex relationship.

Both of them can see through each other's walls, masks and cryptic actions.

They don't interact much, Time doesn't understand why he acts the way he does, Space sees in Time what he "should be" and it makes him sick.

He doesn't hide that he was the one who destroyed the Triforce.

This brought a lot of chaos in their group:

He received Astral fury, which starts a rocky relationship between them

His descendants don't really talk to him at first

In general he becomes a bit of an outcast in the Ravios

With time the relationship will get better, but it's a long way.

He has an armor but I wasn't feeling like drawing it.

I will talk about his wife in another post, for the moment her name is Alma but I am open to suggestions.

[heretoobsessstuff]

So I had a burst of inspiration at 2 am last night and whipped this out in 2 hours!! Here’s a little Drabble:

Summary:

“Hey, look at me. You alright?” Gale pressed, moving closer, standing between his legs and cupping his face in his hands. He went to nod, but the gesture turned into a shake. When he opened his eyes, he found Gale gazing at him with shiny, concerned eyes.

“No,” he finally managed, hot tears streaming down his cheeks despite his efforts to hold them back.

Or Post-war, Gale has been sent to another base in another city for a few months and John is not dealing well with his absence. It all comes to a head when one of John’s trainees almost crashes.

You can read it on ao3 here:

John was pissed. God why the fuck had he done that for? He couldn't shake the image of that near crash; it felt like a ghost haunting him, dredging up memories he'd fought too damn hard to keep within. Triggering a sense of fear he hadn't felt this vividly since the war. The chaos of training had been too much, inevitably pushing him to the edge; before he knew it, he was confronting the director, words cold and sharp, which had earned him a clear-cut punch to the jaw. The new recruits were struggling, and it felt like he was the only one who cared enough to say something. But he had definitely taken things too far, and now he was nursing a bruised ego as well.

“I think you should go home,” Demarco said grimly when they got back to the offices. John shook his head. He needed a mirror to inspect the damage that was done. Maybe a smoke too, perhaps with a glass of scotch.

“What makes you think I can’t handle a few punches?” John spat. Even though he was going for sarcasm, he sounded miserable. Benny looked at him like he was looking at a wounded horse who’s about to be put out of his misery, pity written all over his face.

“Don’t look at me like that” John glared at Benny, walking over to his desk to get a smoke.

“I’m not looking at you like anything,” Benny said, shaking his head.

“You are” John bit back, taking a whiff of the smoke.

“And how is it that I’m looking at you?”

“With pity” He said, a bit louder than he intended to. A few officers turned their heads to look at

him. He closed his eyes, exhaling audibly. When he opened them he saw Benny walking over to him, eyes narrowed in frustration and sadness.

“There we go again” John sighed, leaning against the desk.

“I don’t want your damn-“

“Quit being an asshole” Benny said, shoving him lightly on the shoulder. His hand lingered there. He grabbed his cigarette and took a whiff , blowing it on John’s face.

“You took some punches today. I know you can take it. But damn it! you don’t have to act like you’re made of Steele. Go home, take a shower, get something to eat, other than scotch. Get some sleep and come back tomorrow” He said. Tapping him on the shoulder. John went to protest but Benny beat him to it.

“Listen. Tonight was fucking rough, I get it. Just go home, get some rest, maybe get laid. I don’t know man blow off the steam and we’ll deal with everything tomorrow okay?”

John wanted to protest. Wanted to yell at Benny that he safety net was gone because Gale wasn’t here and he couldn’t get fucking laid or blow off steam. Instead all that came out was a choked sound, something between a laugh and a sigh. It was miserable and embarrassing. Benny was looking at him with soft eyes and John hated it. He needed to get the hell out of there.

“Okay” John got out. Clearing his throat. He needed to leave before he embarrassed himself more.

“Finally! He agrees to something” Benny declared to the whole room, earning a few huffs of laughter.

John grabbed his coat from the chair and picked his keys. Benny was still looking at him with that weird look that John couldn’t read. Concern? Tinted with a hint of -mirth? A small smile was starting to form on his lips and John shook his head in disbelief. What the hell was he on?

“What the hell are you smiling about? This happy to get rid of me?” John shot but his tone lacked the bite and was more amused than annoyed. Benny shrugged.

“Maybe. ? Just- Go home, Bucky” He said. Winking at him and leaving before John could say anything.

Benny was ridiculous. If his knuckles didn’t hurt so much he would’ve punched him in the face.

~ ~ ~

The drive home was a blur, the adrenaline from the day seeping out of him, leaving him drained. He barely registered the moment he pulled into his driveway.

Home. He let out a bitter laugh. Benny had been insistent that he go home, but what did home mean for John anymore? A cold bed with dirty sheets he hadn’t changed in months? An empty fridge with two cans of expired tomato sauce and a few beers? A constant reminder of Gale not being there? The creeping realization that he was becoming a borderline alcoholic? That he was losing it more and more day by day?

He unlocked the door and stepped inside, immediately noticing the kitchen light on. A dim glow from the living room illuminated the space, too. He hadn’t turned on that light in ages. He closed the door gingerly, tiptoeing toward the kitchen, heart racing. Months of being a prisoner of war in nazi Germany had made him a little paranoid and he couldn’t go anywhere without his little hand gun these days. He pulled it out just in case.

“Who’s there?” he called, trying to sound firm, though his voice betrayed a slight tremor.

“It’s me, John,” came a voice from the back. He jumped, spinning around so fast he nearly got whiplash. Was he hallucinating? Had he really lost it this time?

“God, you and your soldier senses. Can’t even surprise you anymore,” Gale said, smiling just a little. He was standing there, hair messy and falling into his forehead, faint dark shadows under his eyes like he was tired, probably because he had driven over 10 hours to get there. Still, he was the most beautiful thing John had ever seen. He gulped, feeling suddenly parched.

“What are you doing here?” was all he could manage to say, caught between disbelief and relief. He had dreamed of this moment so many times, to have Gale within arm’s reach, to be able to hold him close whenever he wanted to. To look into his eyes when he spoke and not stare at the wall in front of the phone table. But now that he was actually here, he was speechless, feet rooted to place.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Gale smiled warmly, stepping closer as he eyed the gun.

“Are you still debating whether you should shoot me or not?” he teased, his grin disarming him. He holstered his gun, heart racing in a different way now.

“When did you get here?” A lump was forming in his throat, ridiculous as it felt.

“Just about an hour ago. I told Benny I was coming, and he promised to send you home as soon as possible.” So that’s why Benny had been looking at him like a fool. John bit his lip, attempting a smile. This was overwhelming; his mind was racing, a dull throb beginning in his temples.

Sensing his nerves, Gale frowned, moving closer and grabbing his hand gently, voice soft as he spoke. “I’m sorry I scared you, darling. I just wanted to surprise you.” Concern flickered in his eyes when John said nothing, his thumb drawing small soothing circles on his knuckle. Hearing the sound of Gale’s voice in person and not over a rickety phone, deep and warm and familiar, made his knees feel weak. Exhaustion washed over him.

“No, it’s alright. I’m just... wow. I can’t believe you’re here.” The lump in his throat grew heavier. He needed to sit down.

“I... I just need to sit,” he said, a hint of desperation creeping in. He took two steps to the kitchen chair and sank down with a heavy thump. Gale watched him closely, his expression shifting from worried to shocked when he saw the beginnings of the bruises blooming on his face.

“God, John what the hell happened? Are you okay?” he asked, his hand reaching up to trace where he’d been punched. The gentle touch felt almost too cautious, as if he was afraid of breaking him. John nodded, closing his eyes against the burning behind his eyelids, as Gale inspected his face, the tightness in his throat was suffocating.

“Hey, look at me. You alright?” Gale pressed, moving closer, standing between his legs and cupping his face in his hands. John went to nod, but the gesture turned into a shake instead. When he opened his eyes, he found Gale gazing at him with shiny, concerned eyes.

“No,” he finally managed, hot tears rolling down his cheeks before he could do anything to stop them.

“I’m not,” he choked out, the words more a whimper than a statement. Gale moved quickly, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into a hug. John buried his face in his blouse, breathing in the familiar scent of his aftershave, he couldn’t help the quiet sobs that escaped him as he was wrapped up in Gale. His body finally letting go of all the tension he’d kept in the past few months.

“Shhh, I got you. What’s got you this worked up, darling?” Gale whispered, holding him tighter, running his fingers through his hair, which was likely gross and sweaty. John wrapped his arms around his waist, clinging to him like a lifeline.

“Missed you” He croaked, voice muffled against Gale’s sternum. Gale held him against his chest, kissing the top of his head.

“I’m here now. You’re alright.” He murmured, and John nodded against him, feeling the crushing weight of these past months begin to lift just a little. Gale was here, and maybe—just maybe—he would be okay.

[littlemissprettyprincess]

This is for everyone who seems to be "struggling" with states + what I can suggest + My success story.

-Have you ever been one of those people to reach "that moment" in manifestation where you wanted to be, even if you have never either it doesn't matter. You know how much of an outsider and annoyed/obsessive over loa when seeing other people succeed and couldnt really find what would work for me. Sounds like you, huh? You are not the only one, I'll tell you exactly how to get out of there + master your manifesting skills and a bit of self-concept.

The. answer. is. staring. right. at your face.............................................Yes.

"But anon, wdym by that??" What I mean is that notice how all of these people who post their success stories are in the state of easy/effortless manifestation. Like they mention how easy it is and how effective it is. Thats because of their state, they chose to occupy the state of someone who does the bare minimum in loa and still gets wtf they want. It doesnt matter how many times you repeat your affs, persist, mental diet, you wanna know why you waste energy doing that? Is because your occupying the state of "difficult manifesting", meaning you obsess over it, you try so hard but "nothing" comes, you feel you need to do the most to get it. Notice how all of these points I made fall under the state of "difficult manifestation"?? if you were in that state, those things I just mentioned would've been what you experience. Why?? BECAUSE YOU OCCUPIED THE STATE OF SOMEONE WHO ISNT SUCCESSFUL IN MANFESTING!!!

A thing I def reccomend when using states to manifest is to understand the 4D IS THE TRUE REALITY AND NOT THE 3D. Yes I know you're tired of hearing the same thing but now that you have a shifted paradigm on states, it should be easier. What I did was know that the 4d is the blueprint, kind of put it on the pedestal but not in the negative way. It was a way where I didn't ignore the 3d and affirm against it, but focused on my 4d and stuck with it. Because "ignoring the 3d and affirming agains it" simply implies that your 3d is filled with undesirable things and you affirm against it.

Cause trust me I've been there when I say living in my 4d was making me crazy, but you know why it did? Was because I looked at the 3d for validation/ didnt trust what my 4d is saying. It's kind of like y'know when you like a guy/girl and your friend warns you to stay away from that person but you get annoyed at them because you think what they're saying is bullshit?? Same thing applies. If you dont trust your 4d and realise it creates the 3d and is so much more powerful than what you experience, when will living in the end ever be a fullfilling thing to do? Get it? "Fullfilled" LMFAOO I'm so hilarious, but enough of my corny jokes. Heres a summary

-Be in the state of someone who is a master at manifesting/self concept etc.

-Know that your 4d creates everything, when its done in your 4d, its done in 3d, a simple way to put this is just live in your mind because when you realise that, you change your imagination, you change your reality and there is so much power in knowing that.

-ANNDDD THENNN you can apply everything else like persisting, repeating affs etc.

I got perfect self-concept doing this, like I got compliments today and I felt so confident, I love the way I'm so pretty, like why am I so perfect and gorgeous?

I manifested many straight niggas to like me at my school (im black and gay) let me tell you!!! a nigga stopped and walked back and stared at me to see "Damn who is that??" I was laughing so hard.

Overall my life has improved, I get things to go my way and yeah. thats about my successes. I might start a blog but because of how disrespectful anons are Idk if I should.

-tysm lovies, stay hot nd mysterious, and know how powerful you are!!!! stop wavering!!!!!

omg, thank you so much for sharing this ! i hope this helps some people ! ♡

[lifeontoast]

Could you write a thing for a study date with Cedric Diggory? I’m a Ravenclaw, but as most of us know (Ravenclaws don’t always enjoy schoolwork).

Study Date 

Cedric Diggory x reader

SUMMARY: Cedric and the reader have an important test to study for, but they’ve been putting it off as long as they can… just some fluff!

A/N: hello lovely @tgarrett26 ! I am very sorry that this took so long to write and post, but I really hope you enjoy it :)


…

‘Y/N? the exam is literally tomorrow, we HAVE to study!’ Cedric said to you as you walked down the corridor together. Tomorrow was the day of your big Transfiguration exam, that McGonagall had been pestering you about for weeks now. You hated studying with a passion, so you never bothered to do any work for exams. To be honest, you’d put it out of your mind totally, until Cedric brought it up. A tiny part of you felt a little nervous that you hadn’t done any revision, but you quickly squashed that feeling. You’d been working hard enough without adding an exam into the mix.
‘I know, but I really can’t be bothered. What does this one exam matter, anyway?’ you replied.
‘It doesn’t matter at all, I agree, but McGonagall will kill us if we don’t pass, you know that!’ he looked at you imploringly. Cedric had always been a bit anxious about any exam or test either one of you had to take, so he was always keen to make sure he revised everything, even if the content wasn’t in the exam. ‘just in case’ he would tell you. He often managed to coerce you into doing the same. You hated to admit it, but he was right. You needed to do well in these exams, or else risk the stability of your future Hogwarts career. However, his words didn’t make you change your mind; his beautiful warm eyes made you melt and relent easily.
You sighed. ‘Fine. We’ll go to the library after class.’

TIMESKIP TO AFTER CLASS

‘Come on, Y/N. To the library with us.’ Cedric smiled brightly, walking out of Charms. Far too brightly for someone who was about to spend hours slaving away over Transfiguration revision. You nodded solemnly and followed him to the library. Flitwick had been unusually hard on the class today; piling on the homework like there was no tomorrow. You had also learned a particularly tricky little Charm that lesson, and were keen to practise and master it as soon as you could – well, after your study session of course.


Sitting down at your regular table by the fire, you opened your books and got to it. Soon, ten minutes had passed, and you were already bored out of your mind. When you looked up, you saw that Cedric still looked fairly concentrated; his eyes were flitting across the pages of his textbook with a practised ease. He had always been able to throw himself into his studies with what he called enthusiasm and zeal. You called it reckless abandon; he was known to overwork himself far too frequently for your liking. He would work for endless hours into the night, not even the midnight chimes of the clock bringing him to bed. You decided to leave him alone for a while, and try to keep going. It was infinitely better to let him work than risk him staying up far too late again tonight.

 

After 20 minutes, it became unbearable. You remembered why you hated studying so much every time you sat down to do it; the task was mind-numbing, and you really struggled to retain concentration for the long periods of time the intensive Hogwarts exams required. Covering all the content required was going to be impossible. Still, you attempted once again to read the words of the textbook in front of you. You realised, putting your head in your hands, that it was totally futile; the words swam up and down like the Merpeople in the Black Lake. Your head throbbed with the effort. The several late nights you’d been having recently weren’t helping your headache, although you had the teachers’ homework-setting to thank for that.

‘Cedric!’ you whisper shouted. He looked up at you. ‘I’m so bored!’ you whined. He just rolled his eyes playfully and grinned at you.
‘I know, Y/N, I am too, but we really need to study! How about we try and make this fun?’ he said back, trying to keep you in a studying state of mind. He always looked out for you and did things for the best – although you didn’t always see that until after the fact. You quirked a brow inquisitively. Anything to make studying more bearable!
‘When you finish a chapter, you get a kiss. How does that sound?’ his velvety voice offered. Nodding eagerly, you instantly reopened your book and attempted to race through your Transfiguration notes, suddenly motivated. Cedric really was so good to you.

You surprised yourself by reaching the end of the chapter in no time at all, and looked up at Cedric expectantly. 
‘Well done. I thought that would work.’ He laughed teasingly. ‘Well, a promise is a promise.’ He took your hand in his and kissed it gently. You smiled at him, and he reciprocated it. Getting back to studying, you found yourself suddenly much more motivated than you normally were, and once again raced through the chapter. Another kiss. This time you worked even faster, the promise of a kiss spurring you on to no end. Another chapter. Another kiss. On and on it went, until you found yourself having finished everything in record time.

Cedric gave you one final kiss well done before you exited the library hand in hand, for some cuddles in the common room. However, before you could do that, Cedric made a quick diversion to the kitchen for some well-deserved snacks and hot chocolates. The kitchen elves loved you and Cedric, as you were both so polite and appreciative when they gave you something. Today was no different. Cedric told them how hard the two of you had been studying, and the elves must have taken pity on you, as they sent you back to the common room with enough delicious snacks to feed the entire school. 

 

The Hufflepuffs never minded having you in the common room, as you were always kind to them and made them laugh (A/N: if you’re in Hufflepuff you can just ignore that). Choruses of ‘hey, Y/N!’ and ‘hi Cedric!’ greeted your ears when you entered the cosy, near-empty room. Wandering over towards the fireplace, your usual place was inviting you to sit and forget about the hardships of the day. Cuddling up together, you shared the food you had been given, and toasted many marshmallows too, watching their delicate white skins crisp up and darken with the flames’ gentle caresses. All the cares of the day simply melted away, and you lived in the moment, enjoying every little second with Cedric. 

Oh, how you hated studying. But Cedric made it just a little bit better.

…

A/N: as usual, thanks so much for reading! You guys rock!

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

EVERY WEEK I WILL POST VARIOUS REVIEWS I’VE WRITTEN SO FAR IN 2024. YOU CAN CHECK OUT MY GOODREADS FOR MORE UP-TO-DATE REVIEWS HERE.

___

16. Shock Marriage for the Powerful Spaniard by Cathy Williams: ⭐️⭐️⭐️

I was addicted to this cheeseball of a book. I'm trying to read through my large (and thrifted) Harlequin book collection, and this was the first one of the year. I'm happy it was because even though it had the typical cheesiness, stilted dialogue, thesaurus raiding, and the confusing use of an Italian term of endearment spoken by a supposed Spanish man, it wasn't a slow book in the least. It was quick, addicting, and had a couple of spicy scenes.

I do have to side-eye the cover creator because the FMC was supposed to have a "latte" coloured complexion (which I hated, but also made her not white. Love that whitewashing of a cover.

Read this for entertainment purposes, not for much else. Although, I AM a sucker for this trope.

___

17. We Could Be So Good by Cat Sebastian: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I am grateful to the person who put this book on my radar (thank you m/m reddit group). This book was beautiful and full of admittedly high stressful moments, made a little bit worse by my anxiety that this was going to end like so many books that were written during the decades that this book is set in. Actually, I love that one of the MCs comments on this because it's always been one of my pet peeves when it comes to classic Queer books.

I loved the dynamics between these two characters and how they worked off each other. They were amazing together and even though they weren't perfect, I loved their vulnerability and related to their anxiety (I have a bad habit of empathizing too much with characters when I'm reading from their perspectives). Their love felt like such a naturally progressive thing and whenever they described how they saw each other, my heart did a little dance for them. Although the story spans just a bit over a year (maybe more?) it felt like these two were friends for years.

I also adored the side characters and the found family they offered to the characters. During a time where trust was a gift, these two were gifted with the very best. If they were real people, I only wish that they got to live the best rest of their lives together possible.

In a way, I wanted to cry at the end of this book. The journey, their love, their growth, and the fact that this was reflective of how so many Queer people might have lived during those decades (and some still live this way). It's so heartbreaking knowing people can't just...exist and love who they want. It's mind-blowing.

Anyway, this was sweet, angsty, sexy, and touching. I loved it so much.

___

18. Lotus by Jennifer Hartmann: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Mega-TWs for this book--the author includes them at the beginning of the book. Including CSA.

Jennifer Hartmann has quickly become one of my favourite authors. This is only my second book by her, but it was so exceptional that now I MUST have every single one of her books. STILL BEATING had me in such a chokehold that I didn't think it was possible to have the same addicted experience to another book by her, but I was WRONG.

LOTUS was a dark, romantic, and trauma laced read. Everyone had their own past trauma to confront and I think that's a realistic take because most of us have something we're struggling with in our adult lives. The way Hartmann tackles trauma and somehow still finds the beauty in the dark and in what scares us is truly masterful. She offers possibilities to people who have lost hope of any sort of future. It was tear-inducing, but also such an experience.

The MMC was so well-written and I love that Hartmann was consistent in his persona throughout the whole book. He was so endearing and I just wanted to protect him from the world. Side note: every time I thought of him, I saw the actor who plays Reacher in the show of the same name. Iykyk. The way he cared for the FMC was so pure and like she mentions early in the book, he hasn't been tainted or jaded by humanity. He was a beautiful human being.

The FMC was the epitome of "smile and fake it till you make it". She was quirky and fun, but also carried some heavy reminders of how fragile life is. Though I got frustrated with her a few times, I also completely understood why she was the way she was.

The way everything came together at the end had me yelling "I KNEW IT!", because apparently I'm a book detective, was amazing. Even though the twist is heartbreaking and had me crying a bit, it was so powerful and had everything come together so perfectly.

Hartmann gave every character introduced a life and a heart--and she made them all vulnerable and showed how strong those characters were for their imperfections.

I loved, loved, loved this book.

___

19. Eragon by Christopher Paolini: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Re-read January 2024

I read this about 16 years ago, so it felt like I was reading it for the first time. I listened to the audiobook, which I love to do when I'm re-reading, and let me just prepare you: the voice actor is no bueno at magical voices LOL.

Anyway, the story itself was fun and I like to think it stood the test of time. It was fun, full of adventure, and being older, I can tell this story was written by a younger author. This is in no way a bad thing--in fact, I think it made it more believable for me that this MC is only 15-16. The writing felt more like the author was going on his own adventure and he really loved reading fantasy books. It was just pure fun. Although at times, I seriously was impressed with his mastery over the English language with his writing.

Overall, this was a fun re-experience. Some points were a little on the slower side, but I can also see that this is building that foundation for an epic series. Will definitely be re-reading the sequel!

___

20. Murder in the Family by Cara Hunter: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I was worried about the hype surrounding this book because hype and I aren't always the best of friends. But listen, I started the audiobook one night and finished the book the following day. THIS WAS SO ADDICTING and brilliant.

I highly recommend doing the audiobook--it's a full cast and minus the music (there wasn't any), this felt like a podcast and I adore those kinds of stories.

I'm impressed with how Hunter was able to create such strong personalities with other an initial description of what each specialist does for a living and their dialogue (especially since the story is told in the style of a script and other multimedia add ons, like photos and maps and clues.) But I think hearing the voice actors give life to these characters also helped a lot.

The twists had my eyebrows rising and my smile of surprise growing after every episode. And when all was revealed, that last punch of a surprise had me wishing I could yell at someone about it. Fantastic.

Normally, thrillers and I are very hit or miss--this was 100% a hit with me. So much freaking fun.

___

21. Set the Record Straight by Hannah Bonam-Young: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

One of my favourite things in romance novels is something that I know a lot of people don't like: little to no conflict. Maybe it's because it's a novella, but this one was such a breath of fresh air. Communication? No misunderstandings? Respect for your partner? No bullshitting around the truth? Sign me right up.

My biggest regret is reading this in January rather than during the holidays!

I loved the two MCs' friendship and how it was the perfect foundation for their relationship. That being said, I did think it all happened super quick and while I know this is because this is a novella, but I wouldn't have minded if this was a bit of a longer book--just so we could dive a bit more into their past and their relationships with the people around them.

This was also SPICY. I listened to the audiobook and the I would pause what I was doing just to stand there and listen with hot cheeks. This was hot HOT. If you like that in romance novels, yeah, this is for you. It was super caliente and I was very here for it.

I highly recommend, not just for the spice, but because this relationship is so pure and it was just a bite of happiness between two friends who should have been more all along but finally found their way to each other. Also, there may be some relatable moments in here and I just--yeah.

___

22. The Measure by Nikki Erlick: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I think THE MEASURE is a great metaphor for how the world treats people it considers "other" and just how interlaced we all truly are at the end of the day.

While the story itself is about the strings and the lengths they offer the individual, at the core of this story is a message about how we view life and how others view our own lives. It's that continuous question of: if my life is mine, why does it bother you what I do with it? And then using the small few to crucify the rest with inane laws and prejudices. Many of the events in this book could easily mirror what is continuously happening in our societies.

We get to see the story of THE MEASURE play out through various characters and as their lives come together and separate, I was constantly in awe of how it was all happening. I wanted certain answers and knew I had to be happy with whatever I was offered because like the characters, I only had the strings and the theories to go off.

I won't lie, this made me cry a few times. I felt anger and heartache, joy at the power of humanity and love, and awe at the smallness of the world.

While I loved this book, I wouldn't say it was a favourite of the year, but it was definitely memorable and I'd definitely recommend it. The last author to make me feel like this about books that explore this kind of message was Karen Thompson Walker.

I highly recommend THE MEASURE if you're looking for a book that will challenge you to look at your life and ask yourself: would you open the box, or keep it closed and just live your life unaware?

___

23. Lovelight Farms by B.K. Borison: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I'm definitely reading this series out of order, but who's keeping track, right?

I liked LOVELIGHT FARMS more than its sequel. This one was told only from the POV of the FMC, but something about this one captured my interest more. Maybe it was the angsty friendship, or the fact that everyone was saying "IT'S HAPPENING!", which was adorable.

I think I also liked the dynamic between these two characters a lot more than the characters in the second book. I think they worked a lot better than a one night (one weekend?) stand that somehow couldn't stop thinking about each other. These two characters had a history to work off and it was nice to see that evolve.

The farm was also like a character itself and I loved seeing it from this perspective--the one of a person who truly loves and breathes the space.

What I didn't like so much was the stupid miscommunication that happened near the end because of the FMC's assumptions, fears, and anxieties. I get it, love is scary af, but you know what's scarier? Miscommunications.

Other than that blip, I really enjoyed this one and I can see how anyone who reads this is easily pulled into this fun and quirky contemporary world!

___

Have you read any of these books? Would you recommend them?

___

Happy reading!

[bubblegumbeech]

Bee’s 2023 Fic Review

2021 2022

My AO3

Works: 8

Word Count:  154,635

Events: Invisobang | Phic Phight | EctoberHaunt (Mod Tucker)

Here’s my  fics! I didn't write nearly as much as I hoped but I did start a Masters Program so I am learning to write better hopefully! (I actually wrote a lot I didn't post that I am saving for when I am more caught up on my WIPs tbh >>)

Danny Phantom:

WIP:

Pieces of Time (26,520 words) Subscriptions: 154 Hits: 3,390 Kudos: 267 Comment Threads: 45 Bookmarks: 118

Some questions don't have answers, some answers aren't worth having and some make you wonder where the truth is being hidden. Danny asks Clockwork a question, now, what about the answer?

Finished:

We Interrupt Your Scheduled Programming (10,062 words) Subscriptions: 5 Hits: 486 Kudos: 70 Comment Threads: 7 Bookmarks: 20

Nocturne generally hates doing favors. He’d honestly rather be sleeping, or messing with someone’s head or … well anything really. But Clockwork got himself into a mess that even he wasn’t going to have an easy time digging himself out of. But hey, what are brothers for? Clockwork was going to owe him for this one though.

Pruning the Branches (30,289 words) Subscriptions: 3 Hits: 215 Kudos: 14 Comment Threads: 12 Bookmarks: 2

Flynn is finally headed back to his home in the Ghost Zone! But something happened in the short time he was away, something that put his family at risk. Struggling to once more find his footing now that everything seems to be falling apart around him, Flynn needs to get answers-even if that means running from his Mother and overprotective siblings and dodging a murderous ghost that's a little bit too murderous. Nothing is going to be the same after this.

Other:

WIP:

Hyde Inside (7,847 words) Subscriptions: 11 Hits: 257 Kudos: 27 Comment Threads: 5 Bookmarks: 7

The only place for a murderer is a hangman's noose… but there is another place for a madman if Gabriel can make the argument. He could save his friend's life. Even if he'd never be forgiven for it. It might have even worked if it wasn't for the mysterious sharp-toothed woman outside Hyde's room, and the answers the good doctor seems reluctant to share.

Finished:

Treasures and Tricks (1,518 words) Hits: 314 Kudos: 55 Comment Threads: 4 Bookmarks: 8

Hastur was an all powerful inhuman King. He did not spend his days thinking about Arthur Lester.

Not a Home but a Haunt (2,319 words) Hits: 77 Kudos: 13 Comment Threads: 3 Bookmarks: 2

Arthur Lester is adjusting just fine to his new 'situation' thank you. Being blind doesn't make him helpless, it's just a new fact of his life. He can still be a detective, if Parker would just let him prove it. Ignoring of course, the strange new voice that seems to come from no where, and Parker swearing that it's just the two of them alone in the apartment…

Grand Line Carnival (24,140 words) Subscriptions: 51 Hits: 3,909 Kudos: 268 Comment Threads: 45 Bookmarks: 81

Law doesn't want to go to a carnival ever again, but his crew doesn't know that and they insist that he has been spending far too much time in the hospital. So he's stuck, but at least he's with friends, now if only he could get that weird stranger off his mind. Or better yet, Stop running into him everywhere. Literally.

Beneath Different Stars (51,940 words) Subscriptions: 175 Hits: 7,784 Kudos: 520 Comment Threads: 125 Bookmarks: 116

A role-reversal that has Dynn Jaren, a stormtrooper with an attitude problem running away with a stolen asset. And Corin, a Mandalorian bounty hunter that’s supposed to be hunting him down for the good of his clan. Except, what happens when the “asset” isn’t what he thought it was? And the “stormtrooper” he was chasing packs a bit of a punch?

[wordymcnerdy]

Attn Warrior Nun fandom writers! I was fleshing out some post-season 2 headcanons for a one-shot last week and accidentally stumbled into the set up for a whole other fic I can’t stop thinking about but am never going to write myself, so Ima just go ahead and drop it here in the frailest hope that some lovely, talented soul might be inspired to run with it and make my dreams come true:

So here it goes. 

We begin with Lilith. By the end of the season she's effectively burned all of her bridges in service of a master who was eviscerated in front of her, and in the immediate aftermath she seems to be experiencing some capital R Remorse about that - helping Bea to save Ava, watching Avatrice say goodbye, hoping when she and Bea meet next they'll be back on the same side, etc. Where does she go from there? I like to imagine she goes full Angel (in the Buffyverse way, not in the religious way) and takes her penance to the streets. In a cruelly ironic twist, she's now effectively performing the duties of the halo-bearer - utilizing her truesight along with her OCS training to track down the remaining wraith demons and punch them out of the possessed and straight back to hell - except of course that it doesn't feel remotely like fulfilling a lifelong destiny. There's no honor in it, she's just flailing desperately to try and make up for some of what she's done, and to finally do right by Ava. So there she is, out punching the shit out of some wraith demons, when who should wander into her path all full of wraith demon in need of punching?

Bitch, you know it's ya girl SHOTGUN MOTHAFUCKIN MARYYYY!

(Come on, y'all, duh she's alive. Vincent told Lilith Mary's dead like 10 whole minutes after telling her she was alive to save his ass and manipulate her into a trap, and now we're gonna take the fucker at his word? Sure, Jan.) (Yes, I'm aware of the BTS stuff at play, and maybe Toya never wants to go back, I'm just saying, the WN team could not have left that door open wider for her in case she ever does. No body, no proof, no details, just the word of one lying, manipulative sack o' dicks? Be serious now.)

So Lilith frees Mary of her demon and then takes care of her while she recovers. Mary's done some shit while she was possessed and has some guilt of her own to work through, so they trauma-bond, and now it’s really on because we’ve got us a kick-ass demon-fighting duo. Neither of them feels right about returning to the church - especially not with Father Sack-o-Dicks back wandering the Cradle like he didn’t fully murder Shannon, spend the entire first season gaslighting them about it, and then proceed to spend the whole next season attacking, endangering and otherwise fucking with them - but they're sure as shit not gonna stop fighting.

Smash!Cut to that final shot in the epilogue of the finale. Beatrice smiles as she walks away from the OCS, presumably to do what Ava told her and go live her life. I've seen a lot of different theories on what flavor of fluffy lil Eat Pray Love travel/adventure/vacation she's headed off on, and those are all super fun, but for me, man... I feel like that's what Ava would do, not what Beatrice would do. Ava’s loosened her up at bit, sure, but she's still Bea, or at least I still want her to 😏 Bea. (I'm SO sorry about that, I swear it just snuck up on me) We clearly see Beatrice struggling internally all season, and I actually don't think that has anything to do with her feelings for Ava. I think Adriel and Vincent took a fucking wrecking ball to the whole foundation of this mission Beatrice had dedicated her life to. If anything, Ava coming along when she does makes things easier, because it gives Bea something clear and tangible to fight for, but now with her gone, she has to finally reckon with what it is she's doing with her life. Again, there are good arguments to be made for any number of directions that reckoning could take, but I'd like to believe that when the dust settles she's going to find that she hasn't actually lost any of her faith, or her dedication to the fight. She’s still our Bea. She just needs to break from the constraints of these institutions she's at best begun to question and perhaps even become disillusioned with. She needs autonomy, and a new path. And I mean, you’re starting to see where I'm going with this, right? Beatrice can't contain her smile as she exits the Cradle, not because of what she's leaving, but because of what she's running toward - freedom, and her sisters.

TL;DR - in the aftermath of season two, an elite team of tactical former-nuns comes together to fight against evil and for each other.

Lilith

Mary

Beatrice

They are

Birds of Pray

Please please please somebody write it I'm so serious about this!

PS How psyched is Ava gonna be to join them when she gets back?

PPS Obviously I want Camila in here too. But also I’m kind of into the potential for conflict with her taking on more responsibility within the OCS but also feeling hurt/abandoned when she find out everyone’s hanging out without her?

PPS Just spitballing here but hey maybe Jillian Salvius would be interested in employing their services to take down Kristian or undo some of the harm he did with her money or whatever, and ya know, if that were to lead to her joining the team in an Oracle-esque capacity? That could be cool. And if perhaps in time she wanted to work on getting field-trained as well... idunno, maybe Lilith specifically would be interested in training her... (hey! stop looking at me like that! those two had an *energy*, okay? I cannot be the only one who noticed!)

[0nlinejournal]

05/31/2023 1:37am

Talked to my sister for a bit today. She told me that when she reads those choose-your-own adventure stories on TikTok that she, for some reason, always imagines herself as male, and realized this only after she saw the girlies thirsting over the spooky mysterious characters in the comments. We speculated that it might be because she reads so much and the majority of what she reads has male protagonists (she was an English major and has her masters in gothic literature). And honestly, girlies that be reading (I’m assuming that’s why these long winded TikToks are also coming up on their feed) be reading hella fan fiction. I discovered this after my year of successfully making more friends this past year. So, since those self-inserts are for women anyways, it’s easier for them to automatically do that with these TikToks. BUT, her having that realization made me have one of my own, that kind of circles back to my shrooms realization. I picture myself as a child in these stories. I’m never my adult self, I am in child form. Another insight of the inner workings of my mind.

I feel as though viewing myself as a child (and being aware of it) has come up enough times this year that it is definitely something I would discuss with a therapist if I got the opportunity to go back to therapy. I’m certain it’s rooted in my upbringing and due to my overly protective mother, but how do I fix it? My mother wanted so much control over me, that I didn’t get to experience what my peers did growing up, and she oversaw all the important things in my life, and I feel as though that had stunted my mental growth. I don’t know how to fucking DO anything. It’s infuriating. And on top of that, attempting to do important tasks gives me debilitating anxiety. It makes me feel foolish. Another hypothesis I have (based off of watching half of a YouTube video that popped up on my feed slightly relating to the subject) is that having to do all the emotional labor as a child and preteen and young adult burnt me out in a way. And now, subconsciously, I want to be a child. And the idea of adult things is not something that my inner child wants to deal with at the moment. Either way, it’s embarrassing that I’m so inept at life when everyone around me is at least knowledgeable and capable enough to seek professional help and get on with their lives. Everyone is struggling, but they’re still moving forward. I feel so stuck in my ineptitude.

I’ve fallen into a pit again. I’ve been doing nothing but working and sleeping. I have been reading, but at unhealthy hours (I will read after this post). I do feel more awake than I ever do during the day, though. Regardless of mental health, my max energy levels are at night after a good half a day of rest.

Well, I’m off to it, I guess. My mother’s birthday is this Saturday. I’m not particularly looking forward to it. I couldn’t get the day off, but I asked her if she’d like to get dinner on Friday. I’ll try to write about it.

2:00am

[neomedievalist]

Defending Shirou Emiya Being Sexist Mental Gymnastics

hi everyone. did you think i was going to post an extremely long analysis post defending my favourite character being a misogynist today? no? thats what you're getting! the reception to this post could genuinely either be "What the fuck are you actually talking about" or "i thought this was obvious?" i truly do think this is the intent behind all of this writing it just can be very easy to well...see it for what it is, which is incredibly fair.

first of all. fate is a product of its time. it is a 2004 japanese visual novel. it is astonishingly progressive in some aspects but it really, really isnt in others. so going in, the sort of. blatant Vn Protag Behavior from shirou really surprised me and made me uncomfortable and dissapointed at first. it felt out of character. until i thought about it a bit more.

its easy to get annoyed at him for being literally sexist because... he is. or rather, he is a character that exists in a sexist society, written by an author who also exists in a sexist society. but the one obvious thing about shirou is that all of his actions are based around projecting. forgive this text dump as i didnt screenshot it when i was first playing:

"That again? It is only natural for a Servant to fight. How about you, Shirou? Why are you, a Master, telling me not to fight?"

"Well, that's――" I unconsciously hesitate to reply. …Well, battles are inevitable as long as I've decided to fight as a Master. I know I'm contradicting myself by telling Saber not to fight. But still… I can't let something like that happen again.

"Then I would like to ask you instead. It seems that you dislike battles, but do you really expect to survive the Holy Grail War like that? It seems that we will only be defeated by other Masters if we follow your policy."

――Of course not. I will repel dangers that come at me, and I don't intend to get killed helplessly. But completely aside from that, I don't want Saber fighting.

"No. I don't hate the fighting. I just, um――" It must be much simpler than that. In short, I…

"――Um, girls can't get hurt. As a guy, I can't let that happen. So if I'm going to let you fight, I'm going to fight myself." "Wha――you are saying you will not let me fight because I am a woman…!?"

this entire conversation is blatantly because shirou has run out of excuses to throw himself into danger. if you only take the most surface level reading of this, he's just being obnoxious and sexist for literally no reason, but that's not what's actually going on here. note the parts i bolded. first of all, he's struggling to come up with something to deflect rin and saber's confrontation. keep asking yourself questions. okay, he doesn't want girls to get hurt. specifically, he doesn't want saber to get hurt. why does he not want saber to get hurt? he wants to protect her, as he wants to protect everyone, and in turn, make himself the target instead. he wants to be the one getting hurt protecting someone else because he sees himself in moral debt. this has nothing to do with gender, he's just using it as a cheap tactic to deflect, it makes saber and rin angry, which works because they're no longer talking about him being psychologically fucked up. right after, this conversation follows:

"…! Are you not the one getting worked up over insignificant things…!? Are you saying you do not want to be protected by a woman!? My body is that of a heroic spirit. Forget about such trivial aspects!"

"It's not trivial at all! Geez, it's not okay for me even if it's okay for you! It was a mistake from the beginning to have someone fight in my place. I can't――"

I can't allow someone to get hurt, In place of saving me. I should be the one doing the saving. I have been working hard to become a person who can help others like my father, so――

"doing the saving" here is interchangable with "getting hurt". i'll make a full post about this later but shirou views himself getting hurt protecting someone as inherently positive, as using his body as a meat shield is one of the only things he can actually do to "help". in other words, hes fighting against his own sense of worthlessness here.

"…I am saying that you are mistaken. I have never thought of myself as a woman, and I have never been treated as one.

Saber's comment stops the conversation. "―――――" As I use the kitchen knife, I feel irritated by Saber's comment.

"…I've been wondering for a while, but just what does she think she is?" For some reason, I'm getting annoyed.

shirou isn't getting mad here because of some misgivings about gender identity. he's hearing 'woman' and interpreting it as 'person'. frequently shirou will say things like "i'm a guy, so this is normal." this always felt to me like he was trying to reassure himself more than anything. he's trying to convince himself he's normal, just like any guy in his class, and still has normal emotions, just like any of his peers. just like he says right at the beginning. his body survived, but everything else about him burned up into ashes. to keep his body alive, his heart died. Can you still believe this post is about him being sexist? the POINT here is that "being a guy" and "being a girl" to him always has the invisible word "normal" before it. being a normal, ordinary guy, who goes to school and has friends and doesn't have something severely psychologically wrong with him. to him it means being young and innocent and having fun without all of the trauma he faced and the baggage he has. like an ordinary high schooler, having crushes, going on dates and stuff. he excludes himself from that, and yet he can't help but cling to it and insist he really is just like everyone else, especially in the prologue.

in the end, like everything else, it all comes back to him projecting on saber. because he sees her firmly deny being a woman, which is to say, being an ordinary person, like he does, and he sees it uncomfortably reflected back on himself, because he thinks he cant really live normally but at least SABER should be able to right? because that's what it means to protect someone. so when he gets upset that saber doesn't see herself as a woman, he's upset that she doesn't get to live as a person, and he's also upset at himself that he also doesn't have that.

[braxiatel]

Writer’s Round-Up 2022

I made a post following this writer’s meme on New Year’s Eve last year, so I thought I would repeat it for comparison. It isn’t one you need to be tagged in to do, nor do you need to tag others if you do it.

Total Word Count:

I have published a total of 68,570 words! Compared to 2021’s 31,021 that’s 2.2x as much!

New Things This Year:

There’s three main things that come to mind.

I started writing Hermitcraft/Life series fic!

I made some new writing friends I think deserve a shoutout. First @stitchthesewords and @atherix, and more recently @sparksnevadas and @mochiwrites. I love their works and admire each of them for their craft and their style of writing, so making their acquaintance has been lovely.

Finally I have rediscovered the joy in writing. Last year is struggled so much with anxiety about writing and publishing fic, to the point that it was preventing me from writing. I think I am a lot more confident in my own ability now, and more importantly I’ve become more comfortable with my own shortcomings. All writers have room to improve, and the best way to do that is by writing. If it is too frustrating I stop, and if not I write it as well as I can and accept that my writing is best when I am enjoying the process.

Fic I spent the most time on:

Could I Be The Sky for sure. I spent about four months working on it, and I am so proud of how far I came through the process of writing it. As such I think the story gets stronger the further you read, and the third chapter + the epilogue are by far my favourites.

Favourite thing I wrote:

Hmm. See, the thing is, I like a lot of what I wrote.

Other than CIBTS, which means a lot to me for a lot of reasons, I think the answer has to be one of the Equinox AU fics. However, because they are all part of one story I struggle to pick one. Possibly the latest, In the Darkness You Reap, or maybe the one before that Harbour Me, Guide Me Home

I also really enjoyed writing "We Double as a Drama Troupe" not least for the excuse to use a little bit of the 0.5 theatre degree I earned before dropping out of university. I think it’s funny, and that I got the characters pretty spot on.

Favourite thing I read:

Oh there’s so many. Genuinely.

I read less Warcraft fanfiction now than I did last year, but I still just want to give a shoutout to that fandom for the amazingly high level of writing quality. I specifically want to list @khadgarfield’s Convergence. I love the language it uses, especially for descriptions. In fact I think of it often while writing myself.

Another favourite was @milo-hypno’s Aftershocks of Divinity. This fic… wow, this fic. I don’t think I will ever read another romance/slowburn fic and not compare it to this. The way Aftershocks of Divinity treats the subject of love, of recovery, is genuine and poetic enough that it brought my to tears even as I was reading it for the third time - and it is one of those where rereading it adds to the story.

And lastly, I would be remiss not to mention the Midnight series by @atherix. Oh Midnight. I don’t even know where to start listing all the things I love about it. Atherix, friend, you are the master of world building and foreshadowing. Midnight is fun to read because it rewards paying attention to details. Oh, and then there’s the characterisation, of course. It has that perfect mix of accurate to canon and sensible in the context of the AU it is set within. This one is a masterclass in slowburn as well, and were it a little less late I would dig out a screenshot of me messaging the group chat full of people who do not read Hermitcraft fic, letting them know that the OT3 from the fic series I keep talking about finally got together.

Writing goals for next year:

There’s projects I want to start working on and ones I want to keep working on. Equinox and Kingdom of Boatem AU are the main two, but they aren’t necessarily a goal.

I think most of all I just want to keep working towards writing being something that brings me joy and creative satisfaction. I’ve come so far in 2022, I want to keep up that good work.

-

Finally, something I couldn’t fit in anywhere else. I have to give a massive shoutout to @loombarrow for all of your help with writing through the year. Love you, friend!

[counterspellthisyoucasual]

Been seeing a lot of shit about 'narcissists' on tiktok lately, framing them in a bad light and, whilst I have nothing against narcissists and I understand they're people just like us, the things they're describing on tiktok just seem like undiagnosed autistic people????

Take this one for example:

He starts with "I'm gonna butt into this conversation and make it about myself" and whilst that it something that can be annoying, neurodivergent people often engage and try to relate to conversation content by talking about themselves, we don't understand sometimes that it's rude.

Then it's the "sad story to tell" which is just the autistic thing of talking about certain things at apparently inappropriate times. I know it's something I personally have done a lot, almost exclusively for humour and I understand that sometimes it can genuinely be inappropriate so I'm working on that, but again, it's not because I think everything is about myself. I'm just trying to engage in the conversation and don't know how.

"Master of one-ups"? And we can just go back to the same point. Neurodivergent, and specifically autistic people try to engage in conversation and with other people by replying with something that relates back to us. If you feel like it's undermining you, ask us about it?? Ask we we do it, tell us what it feels like and more often than not, we'll attempt to find another way to communicate because I know that a lot of autistic people have a big fear of making people feel bad (from the autistic people I've met irl).

- side note, not everyone will find another way because that might take up too many spoons, but if they explain to you why they do that, it might stop feeling hurtful when you know that they are just trying to engage with and be friendly with you.

The next point is that they will "have a complaint about everything we order" and will complain that they "know a better spot" the entire time. Don't get me wrong, this can be a bit annoying, but autistic people are mostly notoriously picky eaters, mainly because of bad sensory experiences regarding mout texture, method of eating, temp difference, spicy stuff, and so on. So if you've taken them. Somewhere where every single food item is something they've not tried before, then they're gonna be a bit distressed because they don't know what food is a safe one to eat which is probably why the suggest another place.

Not because their palette is "more refined" than yours, they just know where to go where food is safe.

And this is something I've found can be applied to the apparent 'narcissistic parent abuse' thing, especially when it's neurodivergent kids on tiktok talking about it.

When I say this, that if you think you've suffered with this type of parent, I've no doubt that you struggled through your childhood and were emotionally/mentally abused and/or neglected. And what I am about to say doesn't at all excuse their behaviour, you can resent everything they've done as much as you want, but understanding why can be a bigger step towards healing.

I have seen many tiktoks and posts about these types of parents and I relate to every single one of them, but after spending a few years coming to understand my own autism, going through a traumatic experience with my mother, and evaluating a lot of my parental trauma at the same time, I can tell that many of the things she did were likely a result of undiagnosed neurodiversity, most likely autism and/or adhd because those two are both prevalent in our family.

Whilst sometimes I still do, I am in the process of trying to stop holding what she did against her, I know that she did and does love me an immense amount, she just struggles.

This is not to say we don't still get into massive arguments, and I don't absolutely despise her sometimes. But those moments pass and I no longer feel like I was unloved as a child, which is something I struggled with a lot, just that she was struggling to communicate with me as much as I was with her.

I'm not saying you have to forgive this parent, or even love them like I do mine, but at least try to get some perspective on it, and stop dragging narcissists through the mud, they don't deserve it, they're people like you and me.

Understand what has happened, resent them for it, sure, forgive them, don't forgive them, I don't care, but at least try and understand what happened but their perspective, look at their behaviours and see if you really think it was them being self-centred or simply just a lack of communication.

[arcane-sync]

Our system, I guess

I have never really introduced various alters directly on this blog. I've always been kind of scared to, honestly. Some combination of shame and fear of being targeted. But a few parts have been wanting to, and I suppose it's about time I place enough trust in them to do this intelligently.

We all go by Skye. It is just a name we are all comfortable with and can feel a bit of pride in having.

The one you are most likely to talk to and see from is me, tentatively going by Arc or Kite. I am actually a brand new primary alter ("host," I guess), within the past year. I am feminine, but not THAT female, if that makes sense. I prefer they/them. I am one of the most emotionally stable and capable of getting stuff done. When it comes to counseling itself, I still struggle with a lot of shame and feeling crazy. I enjoy learning and theorizing. I am... far more outgoing than previous system leaders but still an introvert at heart. I identify with our age but not our body.

The primary alter before me was only in that position for a few years. She is still around, just not as often. Some... stuff happened that left her too unstable for the spot. She has a name but won't give it. She intends on streaming on twitch (and has bought the equipment for it) and doesn't want her name associated with this blog. There's too many who know us here that are not welcome there, since she wants it to be a fresh start. If she trusts you or knows you are capable of confidentiality, she'll give her name and the twitch channel.

Leon is another you are likely to see here. He knows the term is outdated but thinks metrosexual describes his style best. He thinks of himself as highly logical and intelligent. He is a bit of a work horse, pushing everyone to get more and more work done. He is one of the few capable of controlling who is near front. He has gotten progressively more frustrated with our recovery journey and how slow it is going. He is willing to dedicate time and effort to healing so long as he thinks we are too unstable to get our current responsibilities done. Genuinely does not care about gender, his age, or sex.

Rachel will probably pop up when we are talked to unexpectedly. She is genuinely the most outgoing and is quite bubbly. Loves exploring and trying new things. Overtly feminine. Thinks everyone is beautiful in some, way, shape, or form. Panromantic, demisexual. She is the most fun-loving, but she is really good at being professionally out-going as well. She is the most comfortable in a job interview. Where Leon is gruff with other parts, she is capable of getting along with pretty much anyone. She is good at heading off conflicts with persecutors at the pass. If you send in an ask specifying her, she will ALWAYS answer as soon as possible. When I ask her about her age, she just sort of laughs and diverts the question.

The final primary alter is VV. They're gender fluid and a teenager. Think stereotypical, snarky, rebellious, teenager. Vacillates between punk and goth in style. They're the best primary at handling anger. Has a weird frenemy thing going on with Rachel and has a wicked sense of humor. Viciously protects a group of child alters I am not allowed to connect with yet.

That's the inner 4-5 I typically refer to. I guess we are all ANPs but have experienced enough life to be... spicy in some way, shape, or form. The only one I (Arc or Kite) have directly met is VV. I have begun to recognize Leon's and Rachel's influence. I'm not sure if I know Miss Unnamed or just know ABOUT her via proximity. Everyone has expressed a willingness to answer asks if anyone wants to poke them.

There are more than 20 of us, but I do not know how many in total.

Others that MIGHT respond include Mist (EP, nonhuman), Morganna (fictive, persecutor, has posted before), Elizabeth (persecutor but weirdly productive), Chime (a child ANP), Arcadia (our leader in undergrad), and Junia (our leader during our first master's degree and the only one who identifies with our body). There are others who are interested but aren't around enough to reliably answer anything.

So yeah... any questions? We would be flattered. Hell, we're flattered if you bothered to read all this in the first place.

[focusandrelaxforme]

Documenting My Subject's Hypno Slavery Journey (Part 12)

Apologies for the long delay between entries. Life has thrown a few curveballs in the last couple of weeks that has significantly impacted both my ability to edit and post these entries as well as my ability to do more than just maintain KittySub's conditioning. Hopefully, things will improve in the coming days/weeks.

For this entry, which was actually written a couple of weeks ago, I asked her to write on the progress she's made since we've started and how she feels on it.

Today, I had her write up what her goals are with the hypnosis/training/conditioning. My current plans are to give her the same directions while she's under and compare them. Depending how that turns out, I may post that/those list(s) next.

Thank you everyone for your patience in the very erratic release of these entries, and for everyone still following us after all this time, know that you inspire to keep going, and that we will keep making these as long as you guys are interested.

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Dear diary,

Today Master would like me to write about my progress of becoming his slave. I feel like I have come so far in such a short amount of time. At the same time, time seems to be flying at an unnatural rate. I have been talking to Master for around 22 or so days now.. and it feels like its only been a week. I have grown to trust him so much that I don't even question most of my instructions. I do have some small hiccups when it comes to public humiliation or doing things in front of my husband/baby.. but otherwise I do things now with zero hesitation. I have even managed to workout everyday for Master, besides a free day I was given for a family event. I feel like I go deeper and now without even noticing...and I am able to blank things out more that I didn't used to be able to. I also forget things now.. at least I think I do. Master allows me to play a few times a week while I read my journal entries and every time I read them. It feels like the first time I am reading. Sometimes I will remember bits and pieces, but I don't remember actually writing the journal or doing some of the tasks I have written.. it is such a weird feeling for me. Almost as though I am reading another persons journals. Also, when I write everything that comes out seems so random and I am not allowed to reread while I write, so I just hope I don't repeat myself a lot. every time I read my journals later, they seem so much more put together than I expect. Isn't that strange. I feel happier and healthier each day that I progress further into being Masters slave. Working out is so tough...and some days I really struggle, but after each workout I feel so thankful that Master has pushed me to do them.

He even helped me make a workout calendar to follow for myself and encourages me to eat healthier everyday. I am not perfect at that... but I still feel like I make better choices for most meals then I did before. My anxieties and depression have also improved. I would say most days I am able to enjoy more. I am very happy with my Master and love the journey we are on together. I appreciate everything he has already done for me...and I know we will continue to be great. I even feel like my husband has been happier with me since I have been able to offer myself to him more. He hasn't used me as much as I thought he would, but I think he likes having the option... and it makes me excited to know I am doing it for Master. I even find myself laying in bed at night craving cum in my mouth, even though the taste really isn't great and I still gag a bit. I was finally able to swallow my husband cum completely and not spill a drop a few days ago. I honestly felt so proud. That's a weird thing to be proud about, but i felt so hot knowing that i swallowed every drop of cum that Master wanted me to take. I love knowing that Master has complete control and that I can ask him for help on anything. I am a lucky slave to get to be his...and am happy I get to keep going. I want to be the best slave I can be. i want to impress everyone... including myself. My husband keeps looking over at me currently as I write this journal with my dildo gag in. Drool is pouring out of my mouth at this point and it's making my pussy exceedingly wet around the dildo inside it. Master said I am allowed to fuck my mouth with the dildo after this and cum. I love gagging on cock for my Master and I love being his sucking slave. It is humiliating to know that I am doing all of this when my husband is in the room, but I cant help myself. I cant say no to my Master and that is exactly the way we both like it. Thank you Master

Love,

The cutest sucking slave ever,

Slave KittySub

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