#stop building her up as some best ninja who can break the entire world

[captnjacksparrow]

We know Boruto is a bad piece of work. But even today, I see people complaining about Sakura and how wasted her potential was. I saw a -poor- like analysis about her about the last episode of the anime. It was about how she talked to Sasuke on the roof when she gives him the news that Naruto woke up, they said this could be an interesting occasion for SS to develop their bond and I agree, instead the focus was on Naruto and Sasuke paid attention to her when she mentioned Naruto name. (Tho this account wasnt SS friendly) but they said that this wasted opportunity was because of the bad writing.

I mean we know Boruto is really bad and inconsistent, but it's really funny that when it comes about Sakura they pull the bad writing card. Like why Sakura is bad written? What did she do or didn't do that they say she is bad written? She is absolutely consistent the entire work , even in boruto she is still the same.

Sasuke and Sakura don't have anything in common to talk about, how could they talk so casual when the ship was really forced? The ship yes it's caused by bad writing, let's deal with it. But if in Boruto they are consistent about their personalities, and they are not lovey dovey because they are not meant to, specially Sasuke, how can be this bad writing? Again Boruto is shit, but complaining about just Sakura bc of this, and because her lack of phycological skills for dealing with someone even as a doctor, doesn't mean she is bad written. She never showed like the skills of a therapist even lol.

Anyway, what do you think?

Also, do you think team 7 would be really weak without her? I saw people using the parallelism how SNS was beaten in Jigen fight, and how with Sakura they could punch Kaguya lol

[[Disclaimer: This post will be on the aggressive side and don’t read if you get triggered by F word]]

It was about how she talked to Sasuke on the roof when she gives him the news that Naruto woke up, they said this could be an interesting occasion for SS to develop their bond and I agree, instead the focus was on Naruto and Sasuke paid attention to her when she mentioned Naruto name. (Tho this account wasnt SS friendly) but they said that this wasted opportunity was because of the bad writing.

My only question to those people, "What is there to develop?"

If I am being honest, their relationship was developed from Naruto chapter 1 to 700. Whatever they want, they got it already. What do they want to see now?? Like Sakura shamelessly wetting over Sasuke again???? Or do they want Sakura and Sasuke sharing Pillow Talk????Just Give us a break!!!

This is a battle manga, for God's Sake. It's not a family drama where you will see Husband and Wife having their lovey-dovey scenes very often. If this series was all about Sasuke, SakuTrash and Salad, then this is possible. Except that it's not!!!! It's all about Boruto and Kawaki, Naruto and Sasuke, Sarada and Mitsuki to an extent.

And they should be happy that they got atleast that hospital roof scene which was not in the Manga. If I were a true SS shipper I would be angry for another strong reason.

It looks like Sasuke was sulking on top of the hospital but the moment Naruto’s name was brought up, you get his attention. Well, as an SNS’er it’s heartwarming. But If I were an SS shipper, I would have expected such reaction for Sarada as well, because she was also injured. Why don’t they expect something for Sarada? Why the fuck they fret over developing Pinky’s relationship with Sasuke???? I just don’t get it.

Logically speaking, even though Anime can add few extra scenes for SS in the canon episodes, they cannot tread so far away from the Manga. If Sasuke doesn't interact much with SakuTrash in the Manga, then their interaction in the Anime will also looks shallow.

Sasuke and Sakura don't have anything in common to talk about, how could they talk so casual when the ship was really forced? They are not lovey dovey because they are not meant to, specially Sasuke, how can be this bad writing?

And with this claim, these people are disgusting me with their fetishizing behaviour.

Why?

Normally, they should have been angry for making this following scene into nothing. In the Manga,

Sakura will also be in this scene taking care of Sarada. Sasuke and Sarada will speak about Boruto’s Karma.

Anime could’ve easily made this scene into a good heartwarming family scene. Like both mom and dad taking care of their hospitalized daughter. But it seems none of those SS shippers are bothered by this. Why can’t they be angry for erasing a family scene from the Manga??? And what’s worse, it’s supposed to be a scene between Sarada and Sasuke and yet all they talked about was Boruto!!!! Are those fans seriously not angry over this scene???

Instead they are fretting over an extra scene. All they care about is to have some hot and steamy scene between Sasuke and Pinky. They really don’t care about Salad at all.!!! Pathetic!!

I mean we know Boruto is really bad and inconsistent, but it's really funny that when it comes about Sakura they pull the bad writing card.

In Naruto series, the only character which suffered because of Bad Writing was Uchiha Madara. Dot. 

Madara had a lot of potential, like the build up to introduce him was excellently handled. And he should have been the final villain and it would have satisfied me so much, but instead they butchered his character to bring some Alien Shit called Kaguya. 

Other than that, every character was carefully handled with consistent writing. Especially Sakura. If Kishimoto decided to make her more likeable, he should have did something in the beginning of Part 2. It would have been totally believable. People change during their teenage years and Sakura changing her attitude during Time Skip would have been better for the storyline. 

But he intentionally did not!!! How is this called Bad Writing???

Just because your favourite character is not doing something what you expect, it doesn’t mean it’s a bad writing.

do you think team 7 would be really weak without her? I saw people using the parallelism how SNS was beaten in Jigen fight, and how with Sakura they could punch Kaguya lol

SNS were beaten in the fight because they want to make Young Gremlins to shine. And Naruto and Sasuke were basically protecting the village and hence their skills are pretty sharpened most of the time and yet they couldn’t make a dent on Jigen. This pink trash is not even going for any missions and all she does is dusting her home decorated with Uchiha Clan symbol all over (No offense to any housewives here. But her fans are building her up like some superior Ninja but all she does is staying in her home and flirting with Sasuke. So, there’s no way a retired ninja from field battle is capable of doing any shit other than healing. And I fucking don’t want her being a burden on Naruto or Sasuke. Am done with that trash.).

Anyways, lets play a game... Shall we?

As you all know my favourite character in this series is Uchiha Itachi with Sasuke comes next and Naruto after that. 

Even if many of you accept it or not, Itachi is one of the most powerful character in this series in terms of Jutsu. Am not playing favourite card here. Even if you analyze his jutsus, he was stronger than Naruto and Sasuke till his final death after releasing Edo Tensei. Naruto and Sasuke may have surpassed him only after Rikkudou sennin power up. Until then Itachi was the superior one. Because his Susanoo has that reflecting mirrors plus Totsuka Blade which seals everything he pierces, He could cast powerful Tsukuyomi. In both of the departments, Sasuke is inferior. 

[[God!!! It even hurts me more to think that Naruto or Sasuke never got to surpass their predecessors and before that they were Nerfed like clowns just to make these shitty gremlins shine!!! Ooof!!! anyways]]

Let’s see what Pink kween did in the series!!!!

“Uchiha Itachi... Our worst enemy who causes suffering for Sasuke-kun and Targets Naruto. This time, I will save those two”

As a fan of Itachi, Sasuke and Naruto, this claim is pretty vomit inducing. But still, let’s continue this game!!!! 

Look at her grand claim!!! Look at the anger in her face!!! She looks like she will crush Itachi with her looks alone....

And yet When Itachi appears what did she do?

Yeah!!! She just watched Naruto punching ‘Oodama Rasengan’ on Itachi. Why couldn’t she do what she said earlier?

Atleast I expected her to do do something here in Orochimaru Hideout!!!

She just fucking did NOTHING!!!.... Atleast Sai who just came in as a new teammate had some protective instinct towards Naruto... SakuTrash knew Naruto for a very long time.... Why the fuck she didn’t do anything????

Orochimaru hideout is the best place to honour her words... She could have saved both Naruto and Sasuke here.... It’s seems honesty or self-worth means nothing for this Pinky.... All she can do is spout lies!!!! Just like her stans...

Well, Let’s see how our boys fare before Itachi!!!

Itachi vs Naruto - Version 1

LOL.... Naruto couldn’t do jackshit against Itachi’s Genjutsu. It took his just 5 seconds to knock Naruto off. How about Sasuke at this point of time?

Itachi vs Sasuke - Version 1

Look at Sasuke’s legs..... He was trembling!!!!! And he was clearly afraid of Itachi here. And later Obito revealed that If Itachi really wanted to fight, Sasuke wouldn’t be alive. So, I leave this at here.

Now, Itachi again got Edo Tensei’ed.... What happened then?

Itachi vs Naruto - Version 2

Itachi is handling 2 Jinchurikkis like a piece of cake!!! No Pressure at all!!! He then went on to accidentally reunited with Sasuke.

Itachi vs Sasuke - Version 2

Itachi was protecting Sasuke in his own Susanoo because Kabuto was trying to grab Sasuke and standing before him shielding in a protective stance!!! 

So, you see Itachi was still stronger than Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan Sasuke and Kurama Controlled Naruto. 

Where is Pink Trash???? Why is she not protecting these two boys from Itachi as she said earlier????? Oh it seems she forgotten, I guess!!! Or she is just a lying piece of Trash!!!! I bet it’s the later...

If Naruto and Sasuke couldn’t beat someone superior, is there any chance for Pinky to survive?

Well, I find this interesting!!!

Again Naruto is saving Pinky’s ass. This time she got kicked by Omoi!!!! [[Nice work, my man, Omoi, you are literally the only person to kick her shit out in this series]]

This piece of trash couldn’t even manage to deflect a kick from Omoi.... Let alone saving Sasuke and Naruto from Itachi who could use Amaterasu, Susanoo, Izanami, Tsukuyomi and a powerful sealing Jutsu!!!!! And then she can think about beating Jigen!!!! 

Atleast we SNS people, when it comes to the context of Boruto series, we never exclude Boruto out of Naruto and Sasuke... even though I don’t like that young gremlin... But still!!!!  

No, this is not Bad Writing!!!! It’s just the way she is and not many people like her as a character. Kishimoto written her this way deliberately and Boruto series is just toning her lunatic tendencies down, a bit.... Atleast they should be happy with this development instead of fretting over pointless scenes where she has no business in the first place!!!

I am thoroughly disgusted with her stans because of the way they ignore Sarada by fetishizing Sasuke and Sakura!!!! That couple has been married for 12 years and have a kid. And yet all they expect is some steamy scenes between Pinky and Sasuke....

This pink trash is a big lying piece of shit who claims she will do something but she never does anything helpful to anyone and her lunatic stans are also the same!!!! I’ve suffered enough with her in Team 7 acting as a horny queen at every moment and also her presence never brought anything unique to the team, she was just a waste luggage. Naruto and Sasuke are better off without her, because they now have kids to watch out for in the battle!!! Pinky will only bring the team down!!!

[roguishredaxion]

My BnHA AU List

Sorry for the length. Fics that are currently available to read have links. To those of you mentioned in this post, I wanted to make sure people knew where the ideas originally came from. (And you’re all awesome anyway!)

Can't See The Forest For The Trees - Genderbent Midoriya Izuku who became a vigilante known as the Forest in Musutafu. Has been operating for five years dealing mostly with information gathering and dispersal and some smaller situations that crop up on the streets. Todoroki Shouto is on patrol in the area and takes an interest in the unknown vigilante after she helps out with a situation where he got in over his head. AO3

A Piece of Patchwork (Improperly Placed) - AU where Izuku and Aizawa swap places in canon. Izuku fights the hero system to become the first quirkless hero, graduating alongside Present Mic. He gets called in to help in a situation where the villain has the ability to steal quirks, five years before the start of canon, providing part of the back-up team for All Might. Part 1 is the battle against All for One, part 2 is an alternate ending to the fight. Part 3 is Izuku learning to use One for All, which was forcefully given to him by All Might at the end of the battle. Part 4 is the other half of the role swap, where Aizawa grows up alongside Bakugou and is trying to get into UA. AO3

The Fallacy of Greatness (AKA Tenth, in my files) - AU where the whole first year class of UA in canon is born 4 years later than in canon. All Might encounters a 10 year old Izuku who asks if he can be a hero. Even after rescuing Bakugou and proving his heroic spirit, All Might elects not to give One for All to a child as young as Izuku. Izuku, desperate for someone to believe in his dreams, realizes that he has to be his first believer and decides to take matters into his own hands and prepare for a future in heroism on his own. AO3

The Capture Scarf Caper - Based on an idea from @terrible-my-hero-academia-aus Izuku finds Aizawa's capture scarf discarded in an alley and takes it home. He figures out how to use it and becomes so proficient that it accidentally gets mistaken for a quirk. Deciding to capitalize on the strange bias he's come up against, he uses the capture scarf to get into Class 1-A. Unfortunately, this means his teacher is the original owner of his scarf. Suddenly his deception is a lot more desperate and precarious. Meanwhile, Aizawa is trying to figure out why his instincts are telling him to pay such close attention to this anxious kid. AO3

The Better Part of Valor - Suspected Traitor Izuku AU a la @gentrychild. After Aizawa discovers one of Izuku's hero analysis notebooks, he drags Izuku to an interrogation room trying to get him to confess to being the traitor in UA. Izuku comes to realize that several of his classmates were also made aware of this theory and have been feeding information on his movements to their teacher for a while. Betrayed, he starts to pull away from class, falling back into some of the same habits from middle school to go unnoticed and fall off of people's awareness. At some point, his classmates realize that he's no longer staying in the dorms, they only ever see him in class, and All Might is the only person he will voluntarily interact with.

Civil Disobedience - All Might doesn't track Izuku down after the slime incident, but Bakugou's parting words cut far deeper after the day he's had. Realizing that everyone talks about how great of a hero Bakugou will be, Izuku comes to the conclusion that he wants to be the exact opposite of what Bakugou is. He elects to become a villain who goes after and exposes corrupt heroes. Adopting the username Wasureta for his villain work, he collects information on heroes who aren't performing their job as they should and releases it to the court of public opinion, taking away the support that has kept them from being exposed before this. As he digs deeper into the cesspool of rotten heroes, he manages to collect enough information to rake Endeavor over the coals and ends up with an interesting new follower. Dabi, meanwhile, is shocked by the ruthless but polite teenager he found when he tried to find Wasureta and he's not sure if he's impressed by what the kid has accomplished on his own, or horrified by the scope of what he controls.

Hunting Prometheus - There is another quirkless student attending Aldera Middle School, but she wasn't born that way unlike Izuku. When she was seven, her quirk was stolen from her by a man with a smooth voice and a forgettable face and she's been existing in a state of carefully cultivated rage since that day. Before, she never even considered becoming a hero. Now her only goal is to become a hero so she can find that man and punch him in the face. (OC fic, obviously)

Lost Stars in an Indifferent Universe - Leverage AU, five parts, origin for each member of the team. Izuku is told to be realistic and he tries to be following his disastrous encounter with All Might. But realistic means that he has already exceeded the life expectancy of quirkless individuals, acknowledging the fact that no amount of studying or work will let him join a remotely helpful career, and he is stuck living with his mother while he wastes away as a janitor at a nearby middle school following the completion of his high school education. When he returns to a tall building he hadn't managed to convince himself to jump off of yet, he finds that the abandoned space has been taken over by a black market of sorts and gets folded into a world of grey morals and an underground economy based on merit instead of quirk. When he becomes aware of an illegal quirk experimentation operation and tries to blow the whistle, several attempts are made on his life in order to shut him up. Instead of disappearing, he gets angry and decides to collect a team to strike back and prove the shady shit the lab is up to. (Izuku=Mastermind, Shinsou=Grifter, Hatsume=Hacker, Shoji=Hitter, Eri=Thief)

Love and Other Things Not Bound By the Laws of Time - Mr. Peabody and Sherman AU. Nezu adopts a young Midoriya Izuku whose mother died shortly after he was diagnosed as quirkless. Determined to show his new son that one's quirk or lack thereof means nothing in the grand scheme of things, UA's principal develops the WABAC machine to travel through time and prove just how capable people were before quirks manifested. He indulges Izuku's passion and curiosity, encouraging him to look into as much or as little as he wants on any subject. It becomes clear that, while not supernaturally intelligent, Izuku is a genius whose ability to make connections and strategize is by far his greatest asset, especially as he still holds onto the goal of becoming a hero.

The Quiet Revolution (collab w/ my sister) - The Todoroki siblings need therapy. Instead of getting that therapy, they decide to meet up for dinner every Saturday night, begin a tradition where they burn their father in effigy each week, accidentally start a highly successful Minecraft YouTube channel, and generally cause the downfall of the existing hero system through the power of networking.

You Can Tell What I Am By The Lines In My Skin - BnHA/Naruto AU. Naruto dies in his own universe and is reborn into the My Hero Academia Universe as Midoriya Izuku. He remembers who he was, but his chakra, which followed him into this life, is always out of reach. He trains as best he can to keep up his regular ninja skills but can't break through the barrier separating him from his chakra. He still meets and trains under All Might. When he receives One for All, however, the sensation that fills him is entirely familiar. It breaks through the barrier as though it isn't even there, and settles inside like it's always been there. Honestly, he had been missing the angry furball anyway, so he was glad Kurama managed to follow him to this world. With access to his chakra again, the world is about to discover just how effective one shinobi can be in a world of heroes.

War Games - (Inspired by RogueDruid's Hero Class Civil Warfare and others similarly inspired by it.) A year-wide hero class exercise is announced. Bakugou is announced as the Hero leader while the villain leader's identity is kept secret. Izuku knows it's him before the letter appears in his room. The students are allowed to pick whichever side they want, but most choose the hero side, which has won the exercise every time it has been run. This year is no different. Todoroki realizes that Izuku is the villain leader and signs up with him. Izuku goes and recruits Momo and Monoma to his side. Then, after consulting the rules, he folds in Shinsou and Hatsume as well. Monoma plays decoy villain leader and attempts to collect a few more people, but they've already signed up for the hero side. Izuku, without explicitly saying that he's signed up with the hero team, gets folded into the hero strategy sessions since no one expected him to make a different choice. He proceeds to get "taken out" in the first villain assault, and most people don't realize what's happening until it's far too late.

Life's A Game (And I'm Player One) - AU in which Izuku realizes that he does have a quirk but can't tell anyone about it because a) he can't prove it and b) it could be dangerous if he talks about what he can see. His quirk, which he privately calls Stat Check, freezes time just for him in order to open up what looks like a video game character bio that explains a person's quirk, as well as containing vital statistics. It only works in person or on unaltered photographs with a person's face or a distinctive enough feature to identify them. As he gets older, more tabs are added to the bio, and he starts to notice signs above certain people's heads telling him what level he needs to be to fight them (he stops seeing these after receiving OfA, until he sees AfO in Kamino Ward). In pictures, only the first tab is available unless he took the picture while time was frozen, in which case all the tabs are accessible. Because of this, he has accordion folders filled with photographs of people instead of analysis notebooks.

Of Unpainted Fences and Raw Ingredients - Smart Izuku AU. He has been writing essays about hero society, morality, and several other issues since before UA, but he doesn't realize how much people are paying attention to them until the essays start becoming required reading for certain classes. Meanwhile, the teachers are desperate to get in contact with him, not expecting that the essayist they have been gushing over is sitting near the back of the class, trying not to blush.

In A Mirror Darkly - Aizawa is out on patrol with Shinsou and Midoriya when they are attacked and the boys are apparently obliterated by an enemy quirk. The rest of the class attempts to help Aizawa, but he blames himself for their deaths. It doesn't help that he keeps seeing flashes of them in the mirror out of the corner of his eye and could swear he heard one or both of their voices in the middle of the night. Meanwhile, Shinsou and Midoriya are stuck out of sync with the rest of the universe and can't communicate with anyone except Aizawa, and only through mirrors. Izuku figured out that they have maybe two weeks before they waste away since they can't interact with anything being stuck in this in-between space. The only way they can get out is for Aizawa, who was there when they de-synced, to touch them and bring them back in sync with the rest of the world.

Guerilla Tactics - Vigilante Class 1-A AU. After the slime villain debacle, Izuku runs away from Bakugou and the heroes. He literally runs into Todoroki Shouto and they commiserate about how the heroes have failed them. Realizing a bit late exactly who Shouto's father is and why he's trying to run away, Izuku offers to come up with a plan to help him get away cleanly. (This is sort of the worst timeline, where most of the good teachers aren't employed at UA, Nezu is not the principal, and the HPSC is in charge of almost everything.) The plan they come up with involves Shouto failing the recommended exam, then disappearing the day results arrive home. Izuku, meanwhile, attends the regular exam and sees how the whole points system benefits those with flashier quirks and easily aimed egos. He gets to talking with a lot of hero hopefuls and sort of steals them out from under UA when their applications are rejected. They move into an abandoned sector of outer Tokyo and start working as vigilantes. Dadzawa makes an appearance, as if summoned by the horde of teenagers with no form of parental guidance to speak of.

No Rest for the Wicked (Or The Damned) - Person Of Interest AU. Instead of apologizing to Izuku when he asked if he could still be a hero without a quirk, Inko points out the other ways he can be a hero, by building the things they would need to fight crime. Figuring that one of the main problems with villains is that no one knows when they're going to attack, Izuku creates an intelligent program that can assess a high volume of data and extrapolate when and where a villain attack will take place, and who the villain will be. When his mom is killed and he's badly injured in an attack his AI predicted, Izuku realizes that no one is taking his information seriously because he's quirkless. He decides to take matters into his own hands and reaches out to an unlikely helper. Dabi doesn't know why this kid decided he was the best option to stop a lot of the more violent crime he somehow knows is going to happen, but he promised and then delivered Endeavor's fall from grace, so he's willing to see where this goes.

Binary Stars - Slight Megamind AU. Before their respective planets were destroyed, Izuku and Bakugou were placed in small space pods and sent towards Earth. Bakugou's people were warriors who looked enough like humans that they intermarried (unbeknownst to humans), thus bringing about the first quirks. Izuku's people, however, are survivors. Their planet was populated by predators so their greatest asset was their ability to camouflage themselves. As Bakugou's people often hunted Izuku's people, they gained a sort of sixth sense for them, which is why Izuku's very presence pisses Bakugou off. (All for One is from Bakugou's planet. He was exiled for stealing power. The last power he stole was what he gave his brother, and the brother always resented him for getting them both sent away.) Izuku still receives OfA, and is the first of his species to have a quirk/power like that.

The Wings of Icarus - Spy AU. Todoroki Shouto works for Yuuei, an espionage agency run by his father. He's been training practically since birth, no thanks to his father, and is second in the spy business only to a person known as Icarus. When something goes wrong on a mission, he is rescued by a short man with freckles and deep green eyes shortly before he passes out. He is found at one of the entrances to Yuuei with a note from Icarus to the tune of "I think you lost this", making Shouto the only person to have actually seen Icarus. Meanwhile, Nezu is running a small but successful info brokerage out of a bakery with three kids he picked up off the streets years before: Izuku, Shinsou, and Hatsume. Codenames: Icarus, Psyche, and Daedalus, respectively. Nezu is known as Zeus.

Dark is the Night (Momo is Batman: version 1) ​ - Based on an idea from @terrible-my-hero-academia-aus​ . Momo loses her parents in a villain attack when she's eight. She throws herself into her studies in earnest, determined to be a hero. In the meantime, however, she has a hard time ignoring all of the hardship she sees on the streets, all of the crimes that go unanswered.  However, to duck the vigilantism laws and disguise her identity, she wears a suit that covers every part of her body (think Cassandra Cain as Batgirl) because no one would assume that someone with a creation quirk that needed exposed skin to function was under it. She produces everything she needs at home. Aizawa notices that there's someone off about Yaomomo, something fake. It isn't until he runs into her on patrol that he figures something out.

Used to the Darkness (Momo is Batman: version 2) - Based on an idea from @terrible-my-hero-academia-aus​ . Bruce Wayne was reincarnated as Yaoyorozu Momo. She remembers everything about her previous life, but she has adapt all of the fighting training she knows to her new female body. The intelligence and detective skills are useful in this new world, especially since a good portion of logic and deduction has fallen by the wayside for the majority of those in law enforcement. The quirk is something else to get used to, but it's highly effective at producing materials of various things needed for vigilantism. She's interested to see how far she can take the limits of the superpower this universe had given her. At the very least, she's more than capable of recreating the gear she had. Even though her parents haven't died in this universe, she still ends up going out at night and trying to help in whatever way she can. Upon meeting and befriending Todoroki Shouto, she realizes the good she can be in this universe. She attacked the corruption in Gotham wherever she could. Why shouldn't she be able to do the same here? The night is still dark and the people who hide in it are the same cowards they've always been. It's about time someone reminded them that the dark hides more than just their actions.

A Rose By Any Other Name (AKA the Haruhi AU) - Based on a prompt found on @rayshippouuchiha‘s blog. Midoriya Izumi is having trouble staying in uniform after starting middle school because her bullies have decided to step up the abuse a little bit and keep burning them. She had three sets of uniforms, and all three are burned by the third day of classes. What's more, the nurse doesn't have any spare girls uniforms and her teacher insists that she needs to be in uniform and not in her gym outfit. Since the nurse does have a boys uniform that would fit her, Izumi elects to follow her teacher's instructions and shows up in a boys uniform as she doesn't care as much about the clothes she's wearing as she does about following what her teacher said. Cue a gender identity crisis. AO3

Nothing But The Truth - Izuku is hit by a truth quirk while out on patrol and Aizawa is made to babysit him until it wears off. Although he tries to avoid more sensitive lines of questioning, Aizawa asks about his analysis notebooks and ends up accidentally learning about One For All, Izuku's life prior to receiving it, and what his Problem Child's true goals regarding heroism are. (Might become a series with this as a oneshot, or a multi-chapter story as originally planned.)

Panacea - Izuku has a hidden quirk his whole life, one that people didn't even consider could be a quirk. He has a super-powered immune system, and it can and will treat damaging quirks as an infection to fight. His burns from Bakugou's quirk heal faster and faster, emitter quirks used on him start to be less effective after the first couple of times until they don't work at all. He has the ultimate cure in his blood and no way to share it. And then he receives One For All, a powerful stockpiling quirk with a secondary aspect that makes it capable of passing from person to person regardless of heritage. Izuku doesn't realize it, but his invisible quirk got a free pass to start changing the world, one touch at a time. (Possible Dad For One) (Just had the stupid thought that Izuku's quirk is basically Cure For All)

Prototype - While getting scolded after the Slime Villain incident, an underground hero known as Prototype shows up and forces the other pros on the scene to back off. They then walk Izuku home (accidentally forcing him to miss All Might's offer). During the walk, Izuku confesses that he is giving up on his dream of being a hero since everyone says it's impossible. Prototype points out that Izuku was the only one on the scene who was thinking about a solution from more than one angle, which is a useful skill for an underground hero to have. They offer to take him on as their apprentice in the underground, promising that if he still wants to be a hero, an apprenticeship would be more flexible and faster than trying to become a hero through one of the heroics schools. They advise Izuku to think about it and discuss it with his mom, since he would probably be spending a lot of time training out of the house and not every parent is willing to let their child basically move in with someone they barely know. Izuku, after talking things over with his mom, decides to go for it, embarking on a totally different journey to being a hero than he ever expected.

Yesterday's Sunshine (A Storm On The Rise) - Based on @hey-hamlet's End of An Era AU in which the mind of a 19 year old Izuku fighting a losing battle against Paranormal Liberation Front and the League of Villains is sent back to his 14 year old body, a mere month after he started training with All Might. He is traumatized and trying to hide the fact that he is shocked to see the people he knows died walking around again, untouched and whole. He's determined to make everything better this time, to keep his loved ones from dying or betraying him in the worst ways. He also needs to try and stay ahead of the people around him, who are trying to figure out why this child who shouldn't have encountered many villains in his life, is so terrifyingly good at putting them down hard. (I'm considering adding an aspect of DFO.)

Searching for Tododeku - Or Five Times Shouto Tricks Midoriya Into A Date and One Time Midoriya Asks Him Instead. Featuring semi oblivious Izuku, Shouto stealth-competing for the title of supreme memelord with Kaminari, and a cameo of Endeavor's crippling addiction to tabloid magazines.

Planar Shift - An All For One-Izuku body swap just weeks prior to a fight that would have left AFO and All Might both greviously injured. Izuku is quick to realize that the person he ended up in doesn't seem to be a nice person (and he tries not to think about what it would mean if the person is in his body around Kacchan) and has a lot more quirks than a person should have. His childhood doctor is there, as is a strange boy with delicate skin, a disintegration quirk, and a love of video games but little else. Then there's the purple mist person who reads as both alive and dead to one of Izuku's new quirks. When he figures out that All Might is trying to track this villain down (and will probably think it's a trick if Izuku tries to explain his situation), he decides that he should get himself, the kid, and the not-dead-but-not-alive person out of there. He doesn't know how long he's going to be in this body, but he wants to be the hero those two need, even if he's technically a villain.

Environmental Damage - Hitman Izuku AU. When Izuku's mother is killed when he's young, he manages to track down the killer but the police won't take him seriously because he's quirkless. Neither will any of the heroes he approached with it. So instead he goes back to the criminal underground where he found most of his information and talks to an assassin who had a soft spot for him. Izuku agreed to become the man's apprentice so he can take out the person who killed his mother himself. After that, he starts selling his services to people who can't get out of bad situations, offering a much reduced rate compared to other contract killers. Then a kid his age with red and white hair approaches him about killing the Number Two hero.

Summertime and Seaglass - Aizawa keeps running into this mute homeless kid on his patrols. He's not sure what to make of him, except that he needs someone to care for him, especially as the nights are getting colder. Treating the kid a bit like an abused and feral cat, he starts taking food with him to offer the kid when they meet up. It's more or less an accident when he learns the kid's name is Midoriya Izuku, a child thought to be dead and burned three years before when he and his mother were caught in a villain attack that was ended violently by Endeavor. Aizawa wants to give Midoriya and all of the other victims of Endeavor's carelessness the justice they deserve, and maybe by the time he's done the kid will let him bring him in from the cold.

The Importance of Being Batman - (Based on an idea from @terrible-my-hero-academia-aus​ .) Izuku spends a lot of time on forums for quirkless people, getting support and advice from other people like him who don't have a quirk. He gets the attention of an old Admin, Toshinori, and they talk about heroics, pre-quirk comic books, and the importance of representation and symbols in modern media and culture. After failing to get into heroics in the entrance exam, Izuku shifts his focus slightly. Batman didn't have any special powers in the comics, but he was one of the best heroes in his universe. Izuku decides that if he can build the skills, knowledge and (most importantly) money to become his own version of Batman, that would be almost like being a hero. It's time that society learns that 'useless' is a matter of choice, not birth, and even someone who doesn't have a quirk can do incredible things.

[grimmjowkurosakidrake]

Fluttering down, fluttering love

Summary: Post Gaiden, Sasuke finds Sakura in the middle of an ill fated mission.

Length: 3501 words 

Relationships: Sasuke Uchiha/Sakura Uchiha, Sasuke Uchiha/Sakura Haruno

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: NSFW 

Disclaimer: This fic is a commision for the really kind @talesandwonder but really, the idea was so good that I couldn’t stop writting XD

If you want to commission me or any of the other wonderfull writers of @witcheswritings don’t hesitate to DM us!

Sakura will never stop being in awe of the sheer amount of safe places the Uchiha hold around the five great shinobi countries. There’s something to be said about a clan who expanded so far outside of their territory; Building strongholds, secret caves, and cabins deep in the woods around almost every single shinobi populated (or even unpopulated) territory.

This is where Sakura feels somehow estranged from the Uchiha clan. She’s never been outside of Konoha in a mission and thought about making arrangements so her daughter or other relatives could find solace outside the village.

She often thinks about taking Sarada on dates at her favorite dango place, she usually has a camera ready for any important moment in her life.

But she rarely thinks about helping her on missions, just like her own parents rarely talked with her about her own missions, back when she was a genin.

She’s not like Sasuke.

After marrying him, the Uchiha disclosed an entire map of the five great shinobi countries to her. It was an old thing, dusty and well loved, obviously a family heirloom passed to the boy only by merit alone of being the last Uchiha.

“The blue dots are safe places,” Sasuke told her, on a spring night in one of those lucky moments of their journey together when they could spend the night in an inn, change their clothes and take well needed bath. “The red ones are settlements of people who will help you when they see the Uchiha symbol on your back.” He murmured placing a steady hand on the newly embroidered mark on the back of her red shirt. “No questions asked,” he finished, whispering against her ear.

This information was supposed to be for her ears only, so she could be safe anywhere without worrying about being on enemy territory.

Because she was an Uchiha and the Uchiha kept their own safe.

It’s all thanks to this conversation that when she and Sasuke find themselves in need of hiding from their enemies, with her husband heavy and passed out on her shoulders as she tries to drag them both through the heavy rain and into the small cabin well hidden in the depths of the woods north of the land of water. Sakura doesn’t waste any time trying to find a hidden spot.

She already has every spot on the Uchiha map committed to memory.

The cabin is small, completely furnished but not properly stocked, the door is locked too, and Sakura doesn’t have enough chakra to hold her husband and break the door at the same time.

She’s strong enough, thought.

The medic-nin ends up kicking the door open, Sasuke barely wakes up at this, still in a feverish state but awake enough to smirk at his wife’s show of strength.

“Aren’t you glad that we found each other, wife?” Asks the shinobi, holding onto Sakura’s shoulder, trying to stand by himself but failing miserably as his wounded legs fail him.

They’re both drenched to the bone, sweat, blood and rain water mixing in dangerous concoction, putting them at risk of catching a cold, on top of everything.

“Yes,” She chuckles, kissing the side of his head before dragging Sasuke to the dusty, old bed waiting for them at the center of the small cabin. “I always love to reunite with you while being surrounded by rouge ninja, dear.”

She allows the dark haired man to sit on the bed as she limps and closes the door, struggling to perform a simple sealing jutsu on the entrance.

She’s almost completely depleted of chakra, having been fighting for more than an hour alone with more than forty rouge shinobi without a moment to breath or heal herself.

She has burn wounds all over her right arm and leg, her own left leg sensitive from two separated stab wounds courtesy of her enemies.

She hasn’t been able to heal herself properly, not with every single shinobi on her tail and well aware of her identity, with each one of them attacking her at the same time.

Sacrificing their bodies and their lives for the chance of taking down one of Konoha’s three neo sannin.

They obviously knew every single detail about her.

Sakura Haruno can heal herself from almost anything in less than ten seconds, her inhuman strength only paralleled by her quick strategizing in battle, and her chakra control a feat most shinobi twice her age could only dream for.  

Sakura Haruno, also. Would rarely mortally wound an enemy unless pushed to her limit. A deadly weapon with almost no body count to show for it.

When Sasuke found her, she was down to almost thirty men but he had his own tail of rouge shinobi behind him.  

He was already wounded when they found each other in the middle of their own fights. Sasuke, luckily, was not being followed by more than five shinobi and his chakra reserves weren’t low by any means.

He was never one to have mercy on his enemies. As the last of his clan (his family), and a former international criminal, Sasuke Uchiha was not one to rule out murder if it meant saving himself or his loved ones.

With a sigh, Sakura reaches the bed and helps her husband out of his cape and bloody clothes.

He’s bleeding from his right thigh from a katana wound in the form of an almost clean slash across it. He’s probably poisoned if the almost blueish complexion around the three needles still attached to his left shoulder have anything to say about it.

He also has a nasty bruise by the side of his face that could end up developing in a concussion if not treated immediately.

Overall, his injuries are definitely more pressing than her own and even if they weren’t, Sakura would never treat her own husband after herself. Rules of a medic-nin be dammed.

Sasuke of course, would love to object. “You should treat yourself first, Sakura.” He admonishes her as she makes a quick job of removing the needles attached to the shinobi’s shoulders. “My injuries can wait.”

“You’ve been poisoned, dear.” She points out as if it weren’t already obvious, “You definitely can’t wait treatment.”

Sasuke huffs as she opens her poison’s scroll, carefully removing the poison with the aid of a concoction she had stored away on a small vial. “I’m immune to most poisons,” he reminds Sakura, grunting as she injects him with one of her standard antidotes.

“That would make two of us,” she smirks, green soothing chakra oozing off her hands as she makes a quick job of healing the wound on his thigh.

When Sakura is almost ready with the both of them, just finishing with applying some salve on the burns on her arms, Sasuke speaks up. “You shouldn’t have come alone,” he growls from where he’s laying on the bed, still too sore from his injuries and blood lost to help her. “The borders near Rain are still full of rogue shinobi.” He adds, glaring at a blind spot near her. “No matter what Naruto or the other Kage say, the shinobi world is not a place of peace.”

Sakura is strong, but she’s human, a mortal just like him and even Naruto. But more than anything she’s kind. Completely different from anyone of their team. Where everyone at team seven decided to kill for a living, she choose to give life.

If she just killed those men, Sakura would not have been in any trouble, but his wife will never kill anyone if she feels that she doesn’t have to, most of the time she’s reluctant to even mortally wound her enemies.

For what she’s told him, even the death of what he considers a virtual monster: Sasori. Affected her as if the puppet she fought was a living, feeling person.

She felt for him, on his last seconds, cried for him after his death, and learned from him as much as she learned from his grandmother.

She’s a medical ninja at heart, stronger than most, but as far as Sasuke is concerned, Sakura should never have mission alone near the borders of a shinobi village whose culture still revolves around murder and senseless violence.

Sakura huffs, kneeling in front of the fireplace where there’s still some wood from who knows when, it’s a little bit green around the edges so it will be difficult to star a decent fire, but she can do it.

Deeply inhaling and accumulating her chakra at the top of her lungs, Sakura allows herself into breathing the fire her husband passed onto her as if she was his own blood. It was difficult to learn at first; she has to admit. Sakura is not compatible with fire ninjutsu, not even with air ninjutsu.

But people like Kakashi do exist and even if she can’t create a great fireball justsu of the monumental size Sasuke has achieved after years of training. She’s still able to produce enough fire to ignite the fireplace.

“It was supposed to be a recognizance mission,” Mutters the pink haired kunoichi, moving the wood around with the fire iron. “I was not even aware that the place was filled to the brim with rogue ninja.” She sighs, leaving the warmth of the fire to sit alongside her husband on the bed. “If someone told me that there would be shinobi around I would have concealed myself.”

Silently she touches her own hair, then, her forehead, tracing the small diamond tattoo that she earned with years of storing chakra even when her life was at risk.

“I’m not the most discreet looking kunoichi around.” She mutters.

Sasuke sits up on the bed, moving himself so he can be as near her as possible, then, almost in a wary way, the shinobi lifts his only arm, caressing her pink hair with great care.

“The borders of Rain had been invaded for more than a month.” Growls the Uchiha patriarch, not angry at her, of course not.

He’s angry with his Hokage, his best friend.

Naruto must have been aware of this fact. Sasuke somehow manages to be in more contact with the Hokage than with his own daughter and wife.

Even if he promised them to be around more often, to be more in contact with them.

After his short detour in Konoha, when he had an ill fated meeting with a Sarada that didn’t recognise him just like he didn’t recognise her. Sasuke quickly came back to the road, asking Naruto to take better care of Sarada, and informing him that he would be coming back more frequently, if only to start training his daughter as she deserves.

But this past month, Sasuke has only been able to keep correspondence with the Hokage, too apprehensive about his falcons being intercepted by the enemy for him to reach out to Sakura.

It seems that Naruto didn’t have any reserves about exposing their ex teammate to the rogue ninja as himself.

“I’ll have a talk with Naruto.” Finally, concludes Sakura, resting her head on his shoulder. Even if she’s at least a little bit mad with herself for having to be saved by her husband once more. She knows that Naruto didn’t give her enough information.

Sasuke has been giving him information for over a month,  without sending falcons to even her, Naruto should have at least told Sakura to conceal herself.

“That will make it two of us,” he mutters, holding her tight from across her waist. “I can’t believe that idiot.”

“I should have been prepared anyway,” Sighs Sakura, accepting the warm comfort of her husband’s reassuring weight so close to her. “I know the peace treaty doesn’t mean anything more than politics, that I shouldn’t go out of Konoha without concealing myself.”

“It’s not your fault.” Mutters her husband, kissing the side of her head, “You fought with your life for that treaty to be made. You are war a hero, there’s no one more prepared than you.”

“That can’t be true,” she smiles kindly at him.

Sasuke is well known across the shinobi world for being cool and almost, borderline cruel. There’s been more people than Sakura can count warning her about the former criminal. But he is kind to her, he is kind to his daughter.

Sometimes maybe too kind.

There’s something to be said about a merciless murderer who’s able to feel love, who’s capable of kindness.

There’s a lot to be said about the woman who falls in love with him. Always ready to love everyone but herself.

Sasuke sighs “I’ll speak with Naruto.” He concedes, there’s not a lot to be argued when Sakura feels that she has something to prove. “There were at least five A-rank shinobi in the group you fought alone, it’s not your fault when you didn’t even know that you were supposed to fight.”

“You’ve never needed to be briefed before entering enemy’s territory.” She mutters, “you’re always prepared, and so are Kakashi and Sai.”

“You are a medical ninja.” He reminds her, “no matter your rank, you’re always supposed to be part of a team. Especially when dealing with so many powerful ninjas around the area.”

Sakura smiles “Sasuke-kun…” she sighs.

“We will talk with Naruto.” He smiles at her reassuring, “he needs to be reminded of his duties as our Hokage.”

“How did I get so lucky?” Asks Sakura facing him. he smiles at her words as she lifts her hand, carefully moving the hair covering his left eye. “Ino would never believe me,” she laughs.

“Don’t go out ruining my reputation.” He kisses the side of her lips. “I won’t start being nice to anyone out there. Just you.”

Sakura smiles, kissing his closed mouth as he moves away from her face. He grunts but answers the kiss in kind when she holds the back of his neck with one hand and buries her fingers on his hair with the other.

She moans a little when Sasuke licks her bottom lip, and eagerly gives entrance. It’s only when he bites her lower lip that she separates from him.

“You’re hurt, dear.” Admonishes Sakura moaning as Sasuke kisses her neck, licking a long strip from her clavicle to her chiselled jaw.

Sasuke only smirks as an answer. “You’re a really good doctor, wife.” He growls, biting the lobe of her ear.

He plays with the hem of the mesh crop top she wears underneath her qipao long shirt, drumming his fingers against the center of her chest from underneath it, waiting for her to act, as he kisses her deeply.

She barely hesitates before moving him aside with a gentle push on his own naked chest, making a quick job of taking off her top.

He smirks holding her by the waist when she gingerly sits on his lap. “I am a good doctor.” She whispers in his ear, caressing the prominent bulge on his boxers with a firm, steady hand.

Sasuke groans at the feeling, urgently kissing the top of her breasts with wet, open mouthed kisses, lifting his hips and uselessly trying to rut against her hand as she presses her thumb against his already erect cock. “Sakura.” He groans, playfully biting her right nipple.

“What?” She smiles, slowly caresing the sides of his memeber, playing with the head of his cock where a wet patch is already staining his underwear. 

There’s a heated glint in her green eyes, clearly amused by his neediness. By the way he groans when she moves away from him in order to take off his boxers.

“Don’t tease.” He growls holding her neck, then her waist again. Forcing her body underneath him.

“I’m not.” She pouts, lifting her back from the bed when her husband trails barely there kisses from her quivering throat to her stomach.

He easily takes off her pants whith Sakura’s help as she lifts her hips and opens her legs at each side of him.

The lace and silk boy shorts she usually wears undermath her mission clothes are already wet when he kisses the underside of her tights, it doesn’t mean Sasuke will stop there.

Sighing deeply, Sasuke licks a long stripe across her entire clothed sex, holding her clit on the inside of his mouth until she’s burring her fingers on his head and interlacing her legs behind his neck, the talons of her feet digging on his spine.

She hastily removes her fingers from his head to take off her underwear herself. This is what he’s been waiting for.

For Sakura to forget his own pleasure in favor of hers. To overlook him completely as she grips him by the neck and holds his face against her pussy. Forcing him there as Sasuke licks her insides, moving his tongue inside of her core in quick, broad thrusts.

There’s no forcing him, Sasuke loves being here; in between her legs as she moans and demands for more. But the feeling of her manicured nails digging on his scalp, the pain on his back as her legs kick against his skin.

That is the feeling that keeps him rutting against the bed, gasping for breath as he’s not able to hold his owns growls and moans of pleasure at the edging feeling of the barely there pressure of the bed against his cock.

Sakura comes for the first time like this, thrusting hips against her husband’s face, screaming with Sasuke’s mouth holding her clit as his tongue flicks around it without stopping. Not even when she let’s go of his hair or when her juices drip from his neck jaw to his collarbones.

Even when her body falls heavily on the bed, Sasuke lazily kisses her labia to his heart’s content, enjoying her little tremors and gasping moans of over-sensitivity.

“Sasuke-kun…” Sighs Sakura breathlessly holding his jaw. “Stop.” She commands when he tries to fight her grasp on him. “You’re still hurt, honey.” Coos her wife incorporating on the bed and caressing his lower lip with her thumb.

Her voice is soothing but her eyes are burning as she forces him on his back. She kisses him sweetly when her hands grip his cock.

Sasuke can’t help but moan from the depths of his throat as she slowly lowers herself on his member, enjoying the burn and the feeling of finally being full after so much time apart.

With a triumphant groan, Sakura’s hips align with his own “Sakura.” He groans, griping her waist as she bends over him, her breasts pressing against his chest, her knees bending at the sides of his hips.

“It feels so good.” Moans Sakura, her arms resting at the sides of his face, her hips moving without a warning. “I’ve missed this,” she moans against his open mouth.

Slowly, her hands move to the sides of his neck, her tongue peaking out of her open, red lips making his own mouth open up on instinct, gasping when they meet in the middle.

Her hands move to his chest, using him as leverage to rise heavily onto his hips, setting a breathless pace over him. “You’re...” gasps Sasuke, his hands moving to her core, his thumb running small, quick circles on her clit. “So tight,” he moans moving his hips alongside Sakura’s, “so warm.”

There’s warmth coiling at the bottom of his stomach, pressure on his entire chest and his hands moves erratically on her clit. “Sakura!” he screams, unsteadily thrusting into her even when he knows that he should pull out.

She doesn’t respond, her body falling on top of him as her inner walls constrict against his cock and her legs close against him. Sasuke holds her with one arm, embracing her through her moans and quivering espasmodict thrust of oversensitivity, thrusting mindlessly inside her, before coming.

“Sasuke-kun!” Moans Sakura one last time, his grip on her entire body and the warm feeling of her husband filling her, too much for her to remain silent.

There’s a mess of fluids in between them as they cuddle breathless in bed, Sakura’s pink hair tickling the top of his nose.

************......... ************ ************......... ************ ************......... ************ ************......... ************ ************......... ************

The morning after, Sasuke finds Sakura drinking tea with a warm cup of coffee resting by her side. She’s naked from the waist down, her qipao shirt open and resting over her shoulders.

“When are you coming back to Konoha?” He asks, taking the coffee and kissing the top of her head.

“Sarada is on a mission for two weeks.” She answers, smirking “You think we can take down this invasion by then?”

Her smirk is almost feral with confidence, her eyes sharp, just like they were yesterday when she had him on the palm of her hands.

This is the woman he married, Sasuke thinks as he grabs his Katana from the mess of clothes they left las night.

A warrior to her core; confident and strong.

[flightfoot]

Tower of Nero quotes

So since I’m planning on writing some analyses for Tower of Nero, I decided to assemble my usual catalogue of quotes, so I won’t have to constantly flip through looking for them and typing them up hopefully. This is based on the kinds of analyses and things I want to talk about or just found interesting, but hey, I figure other people may find this useful as well.

Beware of spoilers, because no duh.

It was a silly thing to say, but some stubborn part of me insisted that Percy Jackson must be here somewhere, waiting to do dangerous tasks for me. That was his job!

But no. That was the old Apollo’s way of thinking - the Apollo I’d been the last time I was in this apartment. Percy was entitled to his own life. He was trying to have one, and - oh, the bitter truth! - it had nothing to do with me. (TON 37)

“Paul...” I ventured. “Aren’t you worried about having us here? We might endanger your family.”

The corners of his mouth tightened. “I was at the Battle of Manhattan. I’ve heard about some of the horrible things Sally went through - fighting the Minotaur, being imprisoned in the Underworld. And Percy’s adventures?” He shook his head in respect. “Percy has put himself on the line for us, for his friends, for the world, plenty of times. So, can I risk giving you a place to catch your breath, some fresh clothes, and a hot meal? Yeah, how could I not?” (TON 40-41)

What was it about kindness? In my time as Lester Papadopoulos, I had learned to stand up under horrendous verbal abuse and constant life-threatening violence, but the smallest act of generosity could ninja-kick me right in the heart and break me into a blubbering mess of emotions.

Damn you, Paul and Sally, and your cute baby too!

How could I repay them for providing me with this temporary refuge? I felt like I owed them the same thing I owed Camp Jupiter and Camp Half-Blood, the Waystation and the Cistern, Piper and Frank and Hazel and Leo and, yes, especially Jason Grace. I owed them everything.

How could I not? (TON 41)

Sally Jackson crossed her arms. In spite of the grim matters we were discussing, she smiled. “You’ve grown up.”

I assumed she was talking about Meg. Over the last few months, my young friend had indeed gotten taller and- Wait. Was Sally referring to me?

My first thought: Preposterous! I was four thousand years old. I didn’t grow up.

She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “The last time you were here, you were so lost. So... well, if you don’t mind me saying-”

“Pathetic,” I blurted out. “Whiny, entitled, selfish. I felt terribly sorry for myself.”

Meg nodded along with my words as if listening to her favorite song. “You still feel sorry for yourself.”

“But now,” Sally said, sitting back again, “you’re more... human, I suppose.”

There was that word again: human, which not long ago I would’ve considered a terrible insult. Now, every time I heard it, I thought of Jason Grace’s admonition: Remember what it’s like to be human.

He hadn’t meant all the terrible things about being human, of which there were plenty. He meant the best things: standing up for a just cause, putting others first, having stubborn faith that you could make a difference, even if it meant you had to die to protect your friends and what you believed it. These were not the kinds of feelings gods had... well, ever.

Sally Jackson meant the term in the same way Jason had - as something worth aspiring to. (TON 45-46)

And are you any better? taunted a small voice in my brain. How many times have you stood up to Zeus?

Okay, small voice. Fair point. Tyrants are not easy to oppose or walk away from, especially when you depend on them for everything. (TON 57)

I already felt disconnected from reality. I couldn’t concentrate. I didn’t know who I was, who I was supposed to be, or even who I wanted to be. I was getting emotional whiplash from my exhilarating surges of godlike power, my depressing crashes back into mortal frailty, and my adrenaline-charged bouts of terror. In such a condition, approaching Dionysus was asking for trouble. Just being near him could widen the cracks in anyone’s psyche. (TON 76-77)

Dionysus eyed me with a mixture of shock and horror, much the same way I looked at myself in the mirror these days. (TON 77)

In retaliation, Dionysus decided to look and act as ungodly as possible. He was like a child refusing to tuck in his shirt, comb his hair, or brush his teeth, just to show his parents how little he cared. (TON 78)

“Dad!” Will shot to his feet. He ran down the steps and tackled me in a hug.

That’s when I lost it. I wept openly.

My beautiful son, with his kind eyes, his healer’s hands, his sun-warm demeanour. Somehow, he had inherited all my best qualities and none of the worst. (TON 80)

“I figured you’d come back to camp eventually,” he said. “I hoped you would, anyway. I wanted you to feel at home.”

It was enough to start me crying again. Gods, I was an emotional wreck. Will hadn’t inherited his thoughtfulness from me. That was all his mother, Naomi, bless her kind heart. (TON 87-88)

“You’ve grown up!” Kayla gripped my shoulders with her archery-strong hands. The June sunlight made her freckles more pronounced. The green tinted tips of her orange hair made me think of Halloween-pumpkin candy. “You’re two inches taller at least! Isn’t he, Austin?” (TON 88)

I wanted to tell them that they were all so young. Their lifespans were a blink of an eye compared to my four millennia. I should be wrapping them all in warm blankets and giving them cookies rather than expecting them to be heroes, slay monsters, and buy me clothes. (TON 90)

“Nico has been having... I guess you’d call it post-traumatic stress disorder. He gets flashbacks. He has waking dreams. Dionysus has been trying to help him make sense of it all. The worst part is the voices.” (TON 93)

I frowned at Dionysus. “You could always, oh, I don’t know, decide to help.”

He scoffed. “You know as well as I do, Apollo, that quests like this are demigod business. As for advising, guiding, helping... that’s really more Chiron’s job.” (TON 99)

I wondered, bitterly, if there was anyone I hadn’t neglected, hurt, or overlooked during my time as a mortal - strike that - during my four thousand years of existence, period. I could only be grateful that my shoes were not sentient. Or my underwear. Gods, I would never be able to stop apologizing. (TON 110)

“I betrayed you once,” she said. “Right here in these woods.” She didn’t sound sad or ashamed about it, the way she once might have. She spoke with a sort of dreamy disbelief, as if trying to recall the person she’d been six months ago. That was a problem I could relate to. (TON 114)

“I have to go back,” Meg insisted. “I have to see if I’m strong enough.”

Peaches cuddled up next to her as if he had no such concerns.

Meg patted his leafy wings. “Maybe I’ve gotten stronger. But when I go back to the palace, will it be enough? Can I remember to be who I am now and not... who I was then?”

I didn’t think she expected an answer. But it occurred to me that perhaps I should be asking myself that same question.

Since Jason Grace’s death, I’d spent sleepless nights wondering if I could keep my promise to him. Assuming I made it back to Mount Olympus, could I remember what it was like to be human, or would I slip back into being the self-centered god I used to be?

Change is a fragile thing. It requires time and distance. Survivors of abuse, like Meg, have to get away from their abusers. Going back to that toxic environment was the worst thing she could do. And former arrogant gods like me couldn’t hang around other arrogant gods and expect to stay unsullied.

But I supposed Meg was right. Going back was the only way to see how strong we’d gotten, even if it meant risking everything. (TON 114-115)

“So now you believe the Trogs exist?” Nico asked.

“I am learning to believe in all sorts of things that can kill me!” (TON 136)

If my trials as a mortal had done anything, they had shown me how many times I’d abandoned, forgotten, and failed my Oracle over the centuries. I could not abandon Rachel in the same way. I’d neglected the basic truth that they did not serve me; I was supposed to serve them. (TON 158)

Nico smirked. “Friends, meet my glow-in-the-dark boyfriend.”

“Could you not make a big deal about it?” Will asked. (TON 163)

“Rachel, I’m scared,” I admitted. “It was one thing thinking about putting myself in danger. But the entire camp? Everyone?”

Strangely, this comment seemed to please her.

She took my hand. “I know, Apollo. And the fact that you’re worried about other people? That’s beautiful. But you’ll have to trust me.” (TON 175)

When he’d told me to remember being human, he’d meant building on pain and tragedy, overcoming it, learning from it. That was something gods never did. We just complained.

To be human is to move forward, adapt, to believe in your ability to make things better. That is the only way to make the pain and sacrifice mean something. 

I met Rachel���s gaze.”I trust you. I’ll make things right. Or I will die trying.”

The strange thing was, I meant it. A world in which the future was controlled by a giant reptile, where hope was suffocated, where heroes sacrificed their lives for nothing, and pain and hardship could not yield a better life... that seemed much worse than a world without Apollo. (TON 176-177)

Not one deserved to be snuffed out by Nero’s cruelty. The revelation stunned me. I had become a human-life hoarder! (TON 182)

“I’m so sorry”, I managed at last. 

“No, no,” Jason said. “I made my choice. You’re not to blame. You don’t owe me anything except to remember what I said. Remember what’s important.”

“You’re important,” I said. “Your life!”

Jason tilted his head. “I mean... sure. But if a hero isn’t ready to lose everything for a greater cause, is that person really a hero?”

He weighted the word person subtly, as if to stress it could mean a human, a faun, a dryad, a griffin, a pandos... even a god. (TON 218-219)

As a god of healing, I knew something about psychology and mental health, though I’ll admit I did not always best practices to myself. (TON 225)

I knew my anxiety about my own weakness was getting mixed up with my anxiety about Meg. Even if I somehow made my way back to Mount Olympus, I didn’t trust myself to hold onto the important things I’d learned as a mortal. That made me doubt Meg’s ability to stay strong in her old toxic home.

The similarities between Nero’s household and my family on Mount Olympus made me increasingly uneasy. The idea that we gods were just as manipulative, just as abusive as the worst Roman emperor... Surely that couldn’t be true. 

Oh, wait. Yes, it could. Ugh. I hated clarity. (TON 225-226)

I found myself back in the caverns of Delphi, volcanic gasses layering the air, the dark shape of Python moving heavily in the background.

“So, I have you again,” he gloated. “You shall perish-”

“I don’t have time for you right now.” My voice surprised me almost as mush as it did the reptile.

“What?”

“Gotta go.” I lashed the reins of my dream.

“How dare you! You cannot-”

I rocketed into reverse like I was tied to a rubber band. (TON 233)

We both knew that, under most circumstances, Meg was fully capable of rescuing herself. But with Nero... I suspected Lu, like me, wanted Meg to be strong enough to save herself. We couldn’t make the hard choices for her. Yet it was excruciating to stand by while Meg’s sense of independence was tested. (TON 244)

But now, after knowing Lu, I wondered how many of these Germani really wanted to serve Nero, and how many had been conscripted into his service with no choice. Enough people had died. My grudge was with only one person, Nero, and one reptile, Python. (TON 250)

“Well, no, not Mr. D,” Nico said. “You know how it is. Gods don’t fight demigod battles. Present company excepted.” (TON 263)

Austin and I had gotten to know each other - not just as god and mortal, or father and son, but as two people working side by side, helping each other get through our often messed-up lives. (TON 273)

My heart broke. Meg looked elegant, older, and quite beautiful. She also looked utterly, completely no longer herself. Nero had tried to strip way everything she had been, every choice she’d made, and replace her with someone else - a proper young lady of the Imperial Household. (TON 285-286)

I tried to contain my horror. “Meg,” I said. “There’s only one person you need to listen to here: yourself. Trust yourself.”

I meant it, despite all my doubts and fears, despite all my complaints over the months about Meg being my master. She had chosen me, but I had also chosen her. I did trust her - not in spite of her past with Nero, but because of it. I had seen her struggle. I’d admired her hard-won progress. I had to believe in her for my own sake. She was - gods help me - my role model. (TON 293)

“I didn’t kill my father,” she said, her voice small and hard. “I didn’t cut off Lu’s hands or enslave those dryads or twist us all up inside.” She swept a hand towards the other demigods of the household. “You did that, Nero. I hate you.” (TON 295)

“Lu has immortality,” I said, “because you’re immortal. The two of you have been connected for centuries.” 

Nero’s eye twitched. “But that’s my eternal life! You can’t trade my life for my life!” (TON 309)

Python had always been the real power behind the throne - a bigger puppet master than Nero’s mother ever had been. Like most bullies, Nero had been shaped and manipulated by an even stronger abuser. (TON 310)

Nero hissed. “Ungrateful child. The Beast-”

“The Beast is dead.” Meg tapped the side of her head. “I killed it.” (TON 311)

Rachel pulled out a blue plastic hairbrush and threw it at the nearest barbarian, beaning him in the eye and making him howl. 

Sorry I underestimated you, Rachel, I thought distantly. You’re actually kind of a hairbrush ninja. (TON 313)

"You - cannot - take - it - Lester!” Nero said through clenched teeth, pulling with all his might.

“I am Apollo,” I said, tugging the opposite direction. “And I - revoke - your - divinity!” (TON 317)

“Hasn’t he proved himself already?” Artemis demanded. My heart ached, seeing my sister again. “He’s suffered more in these last few months than even you could have expected! Whatever lesson you were trying to teach him, dear Father, he’s learned it!” (TON 319)

“This has gone on long enough. Too much loss. Too much pain. But if my husband insists on seeing it through, the least you all can do is not talk about Apollo as if he’s already dead!” (TON 320)

Then I was back in my mortal form, looking up not at the Olympians, but at the faces of my friends (TON 320)

I alternated drinking my nectar and Mountain Dew, which was sort of like alternating between premium gasoline and regular gasoline. (TON 323)

Meg had thrown away her sandals, braving bare feet despite the arrows, rubble, bones, and discarded blades that littered the floor. Someone had given her an orange Camp Half-Blood shirt, which she’d put on over her dress, making her allegiance clear. She still looked older and more sophisticated, but she also looked like my Meg. (TON 323)

I considered that perhaps courage was a self-perpetuating cycle, like abuse. Nero had hoped to create miniature, tortured versions of himself because that made him feel stronger. Meg had found the strength to oppose him because she saw how much her foster siblings needed her to succeed, to show them another way.

There were no guarantees. The imperial demigods had dealt with so much for so long, some of them might never be able to come back from the darkness. Then again, there had been no guarantees for Meg, either. There were still no guarantees that I would come back from the caverns of Delphi. All any of us could do was try, and hope that in the end, the virtuous cycle would break the vicious one. (TON 324)

Even if I survived, I would not be the same. The best I could hope for was to emerge from Delphi with my godhood restored, which was what I had wanted and dreamed about for the past half a year. So why did I feel so reluctant about leaving behind the broken, battered form of Lester Papadopolous?

“Just come back to me dummy, that’s an order.” Meg gave me a gentle hug, conscious of my injuries. Then she got to her feet and ran off to check on the imperial demigods - her former family, and possibly her family yet to be. (TON 327)

“We all have a duty to rescue each other, wouldn’t you say?”

I nodded, wondering how the centaur had become so wise over the centuries, and why that same wisdom had escaped me until I had been Lesterized. (TON 328)

I felt a tingly sensation of power building just under my skin - perhaps my divine self, trying to reassert itself in the proximity of my old arch-enemy. I hoped it was that and not just my mortal body combusting (TON 332)

Deep breath. This was for Meg. This was for Jason. This was for everyone who had fought and sacrificed to drag my sorry mortal butt from quest to quest for the last six months, just to get me this chance at redemption (TON 333)

And yet, along with humility, I’d learned something else: getting humiliated is the beginning, not the end. Sometimes you need a second shot, and a third, and a fourth. (TON 335)

“YOU CAN’T HIDE!” Python bellowed. “YOU ARE NO GOD!”

This pronouncement hit me like a bucket of ice water. It didn’t carry the weight of prophecy, but it was true nonetheless. At the moment, I wasn’t sure what I was. I certainly wasn’t my old godly self. I wasn’t exactly Lester Papadopolous either. My flesh steamed. Pulses of light flickered under my skin, like the sun trying to break through storm clouds. When had that started?

I was between states, morphing as rapidly as Python himself. I was no god. I would never be the same old Apollo again. But in this moment, I had the chance to decide what I would become, even if that new existence only lasted a few seconds.

The realization burned away my delirium.

“I won’t hide,” I muttered. “I won’t cower. That’s not who I will be.” (TON 339-340)

I had done my best. Surely, Zeus would see that and be proud. Maybe he would send down a lightning bolt, blast Python into tiny pieces, and save me!

As soon as I thought this, I realized how foolish it was. Zeus didn’t work that way. He would not save me anymore than Nero had saved Meg. I had to let go of that fantasy. I had to save myself. (TON 341)

The prophecy came true. Apollo fell, and Python fell with me. (TON 346)

The river sapped my memories, my emotions, my will. It pried open the burning cracks in my Lester Papadopoulos shell, making me feel raw and unmade like a molting dragonfly. (TON 348)

I held onto my purpose. I remembered Meg McCaffrey’s last order: Come back to me, my dummy. Her face remained clear in my mind. She had been abandoned so many times, used so cruelly. I would not be another cause of grief for her. I knew who I was. I was her dummy. (TON 348)

Wow, Apollo, you marvel. How did you survive? 

I didn’t.

But at that point I was no longer Lester Papadopoulos. I was not Apollo. I was not sure who or what I was (TON 349)

“Have you learned?” she asked.

If I hadn’t felt so weak, I might have laughed. I had learned, all right. I was still learning. 

At that moment, I realized I’d been thinking of the Styx the wrong way all these months. She hadn’t put destruction in my path. I’d caused it myself. She hadn’t gotten me into trouble. I was the trouble. She had merely called out my recklessness. (TON 353)

Why couldn’t I let go, then? I kept clinging to the edge with stubborn determination. My wayward pinky found its grip again. I had promised Meg I would return to her. I hadn’t sworn it as an oath, but that didn’t matter. If I said I would do it, I had to follow through.

Perhaps that was what Styx had been trying to teach me: it wasn’t about how loudly you swore your oath, or what sacred words you used. It was about whether or not you meant it. And whether your promise was worth making.

Hold on, I told myself, to both the rock and the lesson.

My arms seemed to become more substantial. My body felt more real. The lines of light wove together until my form was a mesh of solid gold.

Was it just a last hopeful hallucination, or did I just pull myself up? (TON 354)

I rose with a sob and hugged her tight. All my pain was gone. I felt perfect. I felt... I almost thought, like myself again, but I wasn’t even sure what that meant anymore.

I was a god again. For so long, my deepest desire was to be restored. But instead of feeling elated, I wept on my sister’s shoulder. I felt like if I let go of Artemis, I would fall back into Chaos. Huge parts of my identity would shake loose, and I would never be able to find all the puzzle pieces. (TON 355)

My chest was bronze and perfectly sculpted. My muscular arms bore no scars or fiery lines glowing beneath the surface. I was gorgeous, which made me feel melancholy. I had worked hard for those scars and bruises. All the suffering my friends and I had been through... (TON 355)

I felt awkward and uncomfortable in this form, as if I’d been given a Rolls-Royce to drive but no car insurance to go with it. I’d felt so much more comfortable in my economy-compact Lester. (TON 357)

I remembered my dream of the throne room - the other Olympians gambling on my success or failure. I wondered how much money they’d lost.

What could I possibly say to them? I no longer felt like one of them. I wasn’t one of them. (TON 358)

My poor Hyacinthus. Had I really created these flowers to commemorate him, or to wallow in my own grief and guilt? I found myself questioning many things I had done over the centuries. Strangely enough, this uneasiness felt somewhat reassuring.

I studied my smooth tan arms, wishing again that I had retained a few scars. Lester Papadopoulos had earned his cuts, bruises, broken ribs, blistered feet, acne... Well perhaps not the acne. No one deserves that. But the rest had felt more like symbols of victory than laurels, And better commemorations of loss than hyacinths. (TON 358-359)

I turned and strode out of my room, trying to recall how the god Apollo walked (TON 359)

As much as we pretended to be a council of twelve, in truth we were a tyranny. Zeus was less a benevolent father and more an iron-fisted leader with the biggest weapons and the ability to strip us of our immortality if we offended him. (TON 366)

My father coughed into his fist. “ I know you think your punishment was harsh, Apollo.”

I did not answer. I tried my best to keep my expression polite and neutral.

“But you must understand,” Zeus continued, “only you could have overthrown Python. Only you could have freed the Oracles. And you did it, as I expected. The suffering, the pain along the way... regrettable, but necessary. You have done me proud.”

Interesting how he put that: I had done him proud. I had been useful in making him look good. My heart did not melt. I did not feel that this was a warm-and-fuzzy reconciliation with my father. Let’s be honest: some fathers don’t deserve that. Some fathers aren’t capable of it.

I suppose I could have raged at him and called him bad names. We were alone. He probably expected it. Given his awkward self-consciousness at the moment, he might even have let me get away with it unpunished.

But it would not have changed him. It would not have made anything different between us.

You cannot change a tyrant by trying to out-ugly him. Meg could never have changed Nero, any more than I could change Zeus. I could only try to be different than him. Better. More... human. And to limit the time I spent around him to as little as possible. (TON 367-368)

I still didn’t feel like my old self. I didn’t want to feel like my old self. (TON 371)

When I’d first met Meg, she’d assured me that Lester’s appearance was perfectly normal. At the time, the notion had horrified me. Now I found it reassuring. (TON 371)

Ugly weeping would not have been appropriate for a major Olympian god, so that’s exactly what I did. (TON 372)

To be honest, though, I could no longer consider my time on Earth a punishment. Terrible, tragic, nearly impossible... yes. But calling it a punishment gave Zeus too much credit. It had been a journey - an important one I made for myself, with the help of my friends. I hoped... I believed that the grief and pain had shaped me into a better person. I had forged a more perfect Lester from the dregs of Apollo. I would not trade those experiences for anything. And if I had been told I had to be Lester for another hundred years... Well, I could think of worse things. At least I wouldn’t be expected to show up at the Olympian solstice meetings. (TON 373)

She laid her hand on my arm. “You haven’t forgotten. I can tell.”

She meant about being human, about honoring the sacrifices that had been made. 

“No,” I said. “I won’t forget. The memory is part of me now.” (TON 390)

It would have been inconceivable to the old Apollo, but the idea of aging in this lovely desert tree house, watching Meg grow into a strong and powerful woman... that didn’t sound bad at all. (TON 394)

Call on me. I will be there for you. (TON 396)

[piermanwalter]

Thinking about the Bayonetta MGR crossover and it’s basically console wars and Mac vs PC with actual human bodies.

It’s the year 2085 and LumenOS by Lighthouse Biotechnology is the most popular engine for coding brain-machine interfaces. It’s biggest competitor, UmbraOS by Left Hand Cybernetics, became free and open source after the Lighthouse and Left Hand CEOs married each other, causing a stock market panic and both of them getting voted off their board of directors for conflict of interest and insider trading reasons. This loss of good leadership eventually led to both companies going bankrupt. To stay open, Lighthouse was purchased by Ithavoll Group. Meanwhile, Left Hand chose to go out of business and posted its source code on the internet as a final goodbye. 

Both engines are coded on the intricate but infuriating fuzzy-logic focused programming language Enochian and are very similar in function if not in construction. Most of their differences come from distribution policies.

LumenOS is suited for bringing injured and incapacitated people to working condition as quickly as possible. To avoid trauma, most commercially available Lumen software is built with emotion inhibition and memory suppression. It can be argued that Lumen uses the human brain as hardware to run its own processes instead of preserving the original person, but it can also be argued that people don’t want to remember getting hit by a truck, or being trapped in a burning house, or years of failed cancer treatments.

Regardless of moral implications, because full body cyborgs running on Lumen can walk and talk within days or surgery, while other BMI engines take years of physical therapy to regain normal function, many medical providers and individuals choose Lumen. 

Lumen is mostly used by Ithavoll and its subsidiaries, since licensing fees for outsiders has been raised to 80 million dollars a year. This insane entry price ensures Lumen-running products are consistently high quality, but are also becoming increasingly inaccessible. 

UmbraOS was originally suited for accurately simulating and enhancing all human senses, but after 30 years of being open source, it’s now used for whatever fuck shit you can get away with. Countless Umbra scripts can be found for free, but there’s no guarantee any of them will be useable. For every treasure like the flight skills and reaction time of a dragonfly or the ability to toggle the taste of hot nachos on and off, there are a thousand scripts that give you diabetes and force you to email your credit card information to make it stop. Lord help you if your UmbraOS implant is connected to WiFi. 

Because the engine is open source, many BMI programmers get their start on Umbra, which has indirect benefits for other Enochian-based engines. Even for skilled programmers, it’s considered best practice to carefully curate your own custom pile of scripts other people made to run your body with, because no single person can do it all alone. It’s also considered dishonorable to charge money for Umbra scripts if you aren’t custom-making it for a single person.

Although Umbra is sketchy and often dangerous, many people unable to afford more legit procedures rely on secondhand implants running Umbra to survive.

Following a period of extended global peace and stability, many cyborg paramilitary organisations, and the various other companies supporting that industry, have gone out of business. 

Cardinal Ventures LLC, once famous for actually affording a legal Lumen license and building bespoke bodies for its enforcers, was barely able to limp along using clout gained from eradicating other mercenaries during the United States Civil War II, but tensions in upper management reached a breaking point when one cofounder, Lucifer, fought the other cofounder, Jubileus, sent her into a coma, and went into hiding. 

Now the de facto leader, Fortitudo tried to keep Cardinal together. He isn’t exactly stupid, but his expertise lies more with melting enemy cyborgs into slag and less in running a business. To avoid falling into inescapable debt, and also tempted by promises to revive Jubileus, and also because vintage cyborgs are vulnerable to parts trafficking gangs, Fortitudo sold Cardinal to Ithavoll Group.

 Initially, the deal was very good since it was made in Vigrid, whose European laws of cyborg personhood were a lot more generous than American laws, which were written in response to repeated ninja and metal gear crises, and also that one time a US senator’s medical nanomachines went haywire and tragically caused him to go insane. 

The deal worsened when it was revealed that the deal was technically made in Isla del Sol, an autonomous region in Vigrid that’s basically a corporate dictatorship. The laws changed and now all Lumen-running cyborgs involved with the deal are legally not human and belong to Ithavoll. With constant Lumen software updates, Fortitudo is literally incapable of feeling too bad about it, but his panic and betrayal come out in more indirect ways. To be fair to Ithavoll, Fortitudo is now in charge of the largest private cyborg army in the world, composed of other companies Ithavoll purchased and dissolved, including Laguna Homefront Solutions, Paradiso Augmetics, and the aforementioned Lighthouse Biotechnology.

At the center of Isla del Sol, the Ithavoll Building is at constant risk of terrorist attack. An individual of unclear origins was converted into a cyborg based off one of Cardinal’s prototypes and tasked to patrol the upper levels. Temperantia’s primary purpose is to do post-disaster search and rescue, aid building evacuation by making his own exits, but can also fight off attackers if needed. Since he has to be in the upper levels anyway, Temperantia argued that might as well get a regular job there. Ithavoll’s CEO Balder gave him an office job as a joke, but Temperantia did well and eventually worked his way up to Ithavoll Building Assistant HR Manager. 

Built after the acquisition, Temperantia has no memories of Cardinal while it was independent, and doesn’t really get the rest of Cardinal’s devotion to Jubileus, but goes along with it to make his coworkers happy. Fortitudo initially saw him as a bastardisation of the Temperantia he once worked with, who ruins Cardinal’s military legacy by being a clueless civilian. They become work friends after Temperantia rips a gatling gun off a UG helicopter and shoots the entire convoy down with it from the Ithavoll Building roof.

Despite his horrifying strength and enormous uncanny mechanical body, Temperantia would prefer to be known as the guy who loves enamel pins and stringently enforces office dress code.

What could drive trained and made killers to sell their rights to a corporation for protection? Inferno is a black market criminal organisation that hunts cyborgs for parts. Catering both to filthy rich collectors and those too poor to afford legit implants, Inferno traps people in insidious contracts by converting the desperately injured into cyborgs whether they truly want it or not, then foisting debts so huge upon them that it can only be paid by acting as spies and informants to find rare and expensive cyborgs. If the debt grows too large or goes unpaid for too long, Inferno recoups their costs.

Typically, once a contractor finds a rare cyborg, they call a local Inferno agent to do the dirty work. Even worse, the contractor has to pay for all the expenses Inferno sustained to kill their target, meaning if the target escapes before the agent gets there, raises law enforcement attention, or is extremely dangerous, the debt may end up even greater.

Experienced contractors eventually learn to corner and incapacitate their targets themselves before calling Inferno. Some of them are so skilled at balancing on the knife’s edge of debt and respect that they leverage their contract into having their own private cyborg hit squad for life. 

After many cyborg PMCs went bankrupt, Inferno gorged on newly weakened victims and flooded the black market with cyborg parts. However, to sustain the same profits now that the easy prey is gone, Inferno contractors now have to go after even rarer and more protected cyborgs to avoid debt murder.

Bayonetta was dredged from the bottom of a lake and restored by Inferno, incurring huge debts. Combined with Inferno debts she apparently sustained before she drowned and lost her memory, Bayonetta is forced to infiltrate Vigrid to go after the most expensive targets, Cardinals, or else Inferno will tear her apart.

[misterewrites]

I get by with a little help from my friends (and Link)

Hey everyone! E here with a random story popped into my head! I needed to write this for practice for another project but I still had a lot of fun with it. So this story takes place in the wild timeline between Age of Calamity and breath of the wild. Like that weird middle ground where the champions were getting ready. Upfront I did as much research as I could cuz it has been a while since I played BOTW and I did use a wiki with some references to the game and such, avoided spoilers I think and I did kinda go with my own conclusion in some places for the sake of story cuz the wiki only knows so much and I can't replay the entire game again. Well I can but not in a short time for this story. Also some Light Zelda and link cuz they’re cute and if nintendo wont canon them, I will! 

So I hope you enjoy! have fun, stay safe, wear a mask and wash your hands! E is out! have a great week everyone! If you want to leave me comments or just have an easier time reading this story, it has been uploaded to Ao3. My user name is MrE42

“He’s still there, isn’t he?”

Impa shrugged, unsure what the princess was expecting her to say “You know he is.”

Zelda huffed, irritated at her father’s watchdog who silently kept watch just outside, stoic and stalwart in his duty to an annoying degree.

Zelda, princess of Hyrule and aspiring scholar, trained from birth to be poised and refined in the harshest situations, made a face towards the library door.

“I do not need a babysitter.” Zelda fumed as she filmed through the bookshelves “You are here Impa and far more suited to the task than my father’s knights.”

“Your knights” Impa corrected “And normally I would agree but with Yiga clan beginning to cause more and more trouble, you and the kingdom need my Sheikah to prevent their tricks. I am their leader and I have to lead. Same as you princess.”

“I know” Zelda replied, unable to keep out the frustration out of her voice “But I wish my father chose a...different person”

Impa rolled her eyes “We both know that Link is the most capable solider in the kingdom. He is without equal and you are only mad at him because your father chose him.”

“I am not a child Impa.”

“No but you are the magical princess whose power would help keep the calamity at bay. I can’t fathom why your father would want you protected at all times.”

Zelda glared openly at her best friend “Your sarcasm is noted and ignored.”

“Excellent” Impa beamed “But in all seriousness, these are dangerous princess. Your father caused quite a ruckus choosing a country bumpkin instead of the nobles lovely, incompetent children.”

Zelda shifted guiltily at the mention of the nobility. They were not pleased that the king of Hyrule had decided to entrust the safety of his only heir and future ruler of their kingdom to a nobody from Hateno Village. It did not matter that Link had come from a long line of knights whom had been protecting the land for almost as long as Zelda’s family had been ruling it. Nor did it matter that he was their most fierce and well trained warrior. He was not of nobility and it angered her that someone who simply wanted to do their best was being mistreated.

Even if she was guilty of the same crime.

“I just wish he appeared more human.” Zelda quietly admitted, hoping Link could not hear “He is emotionless. His gaze is entirely steely and he has not spoken a single word to me. He simply stands, watching and waiting.

“Judging?” Impa added.

Zelda glanced to the side shamefully “Judging. Judging that his talents are wasted on a princess who cannot even perform the single duty that has been entrusted to her.”

“I think you’re projecting.”

“And you are far too calm.”

Impa giggled cutely “Appearances. I’m as nervous as you princess but I know better than anyone how uneasy people get if their leaders show panic. Your powers will come when they come. You will figure it out.”

Zelda turned to the ninja leader fearfully “And if they don’t?”

“Then I’ll protect you.” Impa answered truthfully “Link will protect you and the champions will kick some ganon butt! You’re not alone so stop acting like it.”

“Thank you Impa.” Zelda moved in for a hug.

“Nope!” Impa took a step back “No, no, no! That’s not proper.”

“I order you to give your princess a hug.”

“…..sigh, yes your highness.”

-----

Zelda’s eyes twinkled with a rare softness as she, Link and Mipha watched the young zora prince Sidon swim so carefree in the deep blue waters of the lake. Link was further ahead of the two princesses, standing at the shore of the lake vigilante for any signs of trouble.

“He certainly takes his duty seriously.” Zelda murmured under her breath.

Mipha laughed softly “It is nice to see how age has calmed him.”

Zelda tilted curiously to the champion “Mipha, you’ve known Link since you were both children, correct?”

Mipha nodded in confirmation “Yes ever since he arrived with a group of knights on orders of King Rhoam. Even then he was courageous. Impossibly reckless however but I suppose that is simply who Link is.

Mipha’s soft laughter grew into a playful chortle. Zelda quizzically stared at her fellow princess.

“Sorry your highness.” Mipha waved her hand in embarrassment “I was just thinking to myself how much healing practice Link has gotten me. I suppose I am as proficient as I am thanks him.”

“Oh?”

“He was always getting into trouble.” Mipha began, her voice taking on a hue of nostalgia “Always injured after throwing himself head first into danger. He hated sitting still, allowing others to suffer for him. His shell might be more silent and stoic but he is still the kind boy I knew. That I…”

Zelda caught the slight longing in the zora princess’s tone “Mipha?”

“It is nothing.”

Mipha slipped into a comfortable silence but Zelda bristled uneasily at a sudden realization.

“Mipha….”

Mipha faced Zelda, worry and concern etched in the scholar’s face.

“Do you think…” Zelda spoke slowly “Link hates me? That his talented and training is wasted watching a princess who cannot even produce a glare of light. I drag him everywhere, fuming at his presence all while he watches with an endless vigil.”

Mipha gently placed her hand onto Zelda’s shoulder. Zelda felt a calming presence fill her body and a quiet peace that came with it.

Mipha gave a soft smile “Link knows better than anyone how hard you are trying. He knows how desperate you must be. He does not disdain your loathing. He simply is giving you the space you desire. His duty is everything to him and he will perform it to his dying breath. You are his princess. He will ensure your safety.”

Zelda said nothing and despite the calming peace she felt, the twinge of guilt began to eat at her.

“LINK!”

The tension broke as Zelda and Mipha glanced back towards the lake. Sidon giggled and chuckled at a full swim, rapidly heading for the shore and Link. Link, caught off guard in a rare moment, began to panic. He moved this way and that, frantically searching beyond the approaching zora in search for a nonexistent threat.

He realized, too late, what Sidon was up to.

With a mighty push, Sidon flew out of the deep blue waters and sailed through the air, hands outstretched as he collided with Link. Link flailed backwards, struggling to keep his footing but ultimately losing it. He fell backwards onto the shore, Sidon embracing him tightly a bone breaking hug. Even young, a zora was strong.

“Sidon!” Mipha chastised but before she could move closer, Link stood up with the still embracing prince, an evil glint in his eyes.

“Oh dear.”

“What is happening?” Zelda asked, unsure what was going on.

Link picked up Sidon, holding him high into the air as the young prince chanted “Do it, do it, do it!”

And just like that, Link spun around. Around and around, once, twice, five times building speed with Sidon’s cheers filled the air. Without warning, Link chucked the young zora through the air and back into the lake.

Sidon dove in wholeheartedly and broke the surface with a triumphant yell.

“20 feet! A NEW RECORD!”

Mipha rubbed her eyes tiredly “Boys.”

Zelda giggled softly as Link rose his arms in victory.

-----

“Daruk?”

“Yeah tiny princess?”

“Is that...a rock?”

“Yeah it is!”

“And why...is Link….eating the rock?”

“It’s prime rock roast! He got a real taste for it after the first time.”

“Oh. Right. I recall that now.”

Daruk bellowed with a hearty laugh “Dontcha worry princess, little guy might a hylian but he’s got the stomach of a goron! I bet he’d eat anything. Even some kind of dubious food that’s just too gross to look at. KEEP IT UP LINK!”

Link raised a thumb as he continued to chew on the rocky texture of the roast.

Zelda couldn’t help but smile the Daruk’s presence. His good nature and cheeriness were too infectious for even the royal princess to resist.

“Now what brings you out here tiny princess? Did you finally want to try out the roast? I can have cooks whip up a fresh, steaming one for ya.”

“What? Oh no.” Zelda quickly responded “No. I ate at home before we arrived so I am quite full. Perhaps next time. I am actually here to see if you needed anything.”

Daruk rubbed the back of his neck shyly “Aww thanks tiny princess! I appreciate it! Though if you don’t wanna eat the roast, you can just tell me. I know it isn’t everyone’s taste.”

“Oh. I am sorry I simply did not want to hurt your feelings.”

“Not to worry, I can’t be hurt!” Daruk beamed, posing heroic as an orangish translucent dome appeared over the goron chief for a moment, shielding him from the outside world.

The pair broke into a joyful laugh.

“Thank you Daruk.”

“Think nothing of it tiny princess. Though, now that you mentioned it I might need a little favor from ya.”

Zelda eagerly listened “Name it Daruk and I shall do everything in my power to ensure it done.”

“It’s about Rudania.”

Zelda’s heart sank “The divine beast? Is something amiss?”

“Oh no no no.” Daruk raised his hands as if to physically stop that line of thinking “Nothing serious. It’s just that that wonderful fantastic machine is able to have some alterations. The controls aren’t exactly goron friendly, ya know?”

“Oh! Hmm, I shall talk to Purah and Robbie. If anyone can alter Rudania, it is them.”

“Thanks tiny princess!” Daruk patted her back in a friendly manner. Zelda had to brace herself to make sure she didn’t fall sprawling to the floor.

Rudania.

Zelda glanced upwards Death Mountain, the divine beast in question clinging to the side the volcanic mountain as if keeping an eye out for the calamity.

The divine beasts, ancient Sheikah machines made of stone and an unknown source of power. Her father claimed these machines had been around since the dawn of Hyrule. Though information on these and other Sheikah made devices were contradictory at best and nonexistent at worst. Even Impa, clan leader, knew next to nothing about their functionality or purpose. Luckily for everyone Purah and Robbie had devoted their lives to the study of these machines and it was only thanks to the pairs ceaseless work (and Zelda would say sometimes obsession) that the champions could practice and grew proficient with their individual machines.

“How is your training with Rudania going Daruk?”

Daruk scratched the back of his neck anxiously “I wish I could say it’s going good but it’s not exactly a stroll in the lava, ya know?”

“Of...course.” Zelda nodded slowly, unsure what a stroll in lava would entail “Perhaps we can search for some sort of manual or instructions.”

“Nah” Daruk waved her off “We both know nothing like that probably exists but that’s alright. I’mma going just go for it and do my best!”

Zelda stared at the goron with admiration “I wish I could be as confident as you are.”

“I’m not!”

Zelda watched as Daruk’s face beaming grin melt into an uneasy smile

“I’m not confident” Daruk admitted “This is hard. This is a piece of technology unlike anything else in our little home. I have no idea how to use it or even if I’m doing it right. Heck, I don’t even know if what I’m doing is working. I’m a goron and I’m good at that but this? This is something else.”

Zelda felt that. Her inability to draw on her powers. Her failures and her father’s growing desperation pushing her to extremes, to find an answer regardless of the cost.

“But, I’mma gonna try all the same.”

Daruk’s smile returned. Not with happiness but with determination.

“That’s all we can do, right tiny princess?” Daruk chuckled “Do our best. Maybe it’ll be enough. Maybe it won’t but we gotta at least try.”

Zelda smiled “You are right Daruk. We must at least try. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome! Haha, for what?”

-----

Zelda could feel Link shift his weight back and forth ontop of the snow bank. The pair were bundled in winter gear, huddled close in an attempt to stay warm in the frigid chill of the snowy breeze. Though Zelda knew that wasn’t why Link was unhappy.

“You still here knight? Go home. You need to train some more if you want to keep up with me.”

Link’s face remained as impassive as ever but Zelda could see by the tensing of his cheeks that he was fuming: Revali had that effect on the knight.

She was unsure why the Rito had such a deep disdain for Link but it made it difficult to plan training exercises between the two. Even visits to check on Revali were scarce given the fact Link followed his orders diligently. Nothing would dissuade Link from his task, not even insults and mockery.

Zelda had been softening her stance on Link over the last few weeks. True she hadn’t reached the point where she completely accepted his presence but she no longer loathed him for it. It was not his fault her father was so stubborn and final in his decrees. He did what he was told and he did it with as much respect as he could muster. It was oddly comforting to have him near in the rare moment she was being honest. Whether it be researching any leads to unlocking her powers to her hobby of cataloging the various flora and fauna of Hyrule, he did not judge her. He watched in a quiet reverence, his eyes darting about for signs of danger so she would feel safe enough to focus on her task. And the more time they spent together, the more she realized he was more expressive than she previously thought.

His emotions were far subtler: A twitch of the ear, a raised eyebrow, clenching of his jaws. This is how Link spoke. This is how he displayed his emotions. Little signs easily missed unless you had been searching for them.

Not that Zelda was looking. That would be silly for her to simply stare at the knight accompanying her all across the kingdom, protecting her from the various threats found throughout. She was merely making observations like the good scholar she was. Link was no different than the flora and fauna she studied. Granted he was a much more interesting subject but….

“Princess.”

Zelda snapped out of her thoughts, her face flushed with embarrassment at her trailing thoughts.

“Are you well?” Revali cocked his head sideways “Your face is red. I rather you not get sick simply because you wish to stand in this cold.”

“I-it is nothing Revali!” Zelda stammered out “Perhaps a small chill. It will pass. I am here to…”

“To see if I need anything” he finished for her “No princess, unlike certain people” he eyed Link distastefully “I am fine.”

Link said nothing but rather shifted the weight on his feet once more.

“Link” Zelda turned to her knight “Perhaps you could patrol the area. I fear the winds are growing more fierce. I would not want to walk back to the castle among an ambush if there is a storm.”

Link remained silent but gave a rigid, steely nod. He caught Revali’s gaze for a moment then trudge off into the snow.

“I don’t why you bring him” Revali sneered “He’s a worthless knight.”

“If he’s so worthless, why do you waste your time berating him?”

Revali turned his head “Hmmph, if your knight is so fragile that a little mockery scares him off, he has no business being with us.”

“Revali!” Zelda began but was silenced by his outstretched wing.

“I am the best princess.” He spoke matter of fact “I am your greatest warrior. My skill is unrivaled across the kingdom.”

Zelda fumed but allowed him to continue.

“I have overcome many challenges and challengers to my title” Revali’s looked out to the various snowy hills and slopes of the mountain, the Rito village barely visible among the snow flurry “I bested them all. When you are so talented, many eyes will fall upon you and their expectations as well. They will say whatever they wish. You must ignore them. You must not allow their pitiful jealousy distract from your task, your goal. I am here to protect my people and for that, I must be the best. I must work with the best and I must train with people with some skill.”

“Revali, what are you…?”

Revali scoffed “You have kept me from training princess. Your knight might be the best among you but he certainly is no match for me. How is he supposed to survive the upcoming fight unless he fights with his all against a superior opponent.”

“I see” Zelda slowly caught on.

“Good. I will be at the castle tomorrow. Make sure your knight is ready for bruises and sores. I won’t have him die on us because he was being lazy.”

“Of course Revali. I’m sure Link will appreciate your concern.”

Revali huffed “I don’t like deadweight is all.”

Zelda said nothing but remembered that Link had won the champion’s last archery contest a few weeks ago.

-----

The desert was colder than you would expect at night but Zelda was not stranger to it. She loved coming out to the Gerudo desert with her mother, spending all day among the Gerudo and its splendor. It was quiet out here, bringing a rare peace not found in the city. The distant sound of thunder boomed but it was soft and enlightening more than frightening. It comforted Zelda.

“Thinking of her again little bird?”

Zelda nodded honestly, the desert stretched out before her as the twinkling stars glimmered beautifully overhead.

Urbosa, champion and her mother’s dearest friend, stood watch nearby.

Zelda turned back to Link, unable to keep the grin off her face as he remained slumped against the wall, his riding hood and cloak turned into a makeshift blanket. His breathing was slow and steady and while it was clear he was sleeping, she also knew that with one word from her lips he would awaken, ready for whatever awaited him.

She was glad he was resting at least. This had been his first trip to the desert and he had not quite been prepared for the intense heat nor the attention he received from the town. A male within its walls was a rare sight. She knew Link disliked attention above all else, except perhaps Revali.

She giggled at her joke.

“You seem more comfortable with Link than I remember.”

“Oh.” Zelda cleared her throat, willing her blush away “Well y-yes. Some of my conversations with the others have led to some interesting insight. Perhaps I had not been considerate towards Link. He is just performing his duty.”

Urbosa leaned in teasingly “Link now is it? Not the knight or he?”

Zelda’s blush spread rapidly throughout her cheeks.

Urbosa laughed loudly “You are far too easy to fluster little bird.”

“I am not flustered!”

“I don’t blame you” Urbosa glanced at Link’s sleeping form “He is quite handsome and not like most men.”

“Urbosa!”

Urbosa laugh once more “So it worked then?”

Zelda was confused “What did?”

“My distraction.”

“Distraction? From?” Realization washed over Zelda “Oh.”

Urbosa gave a solemn nod “I miss your mother terribly. She was an amazing woman and I feel her loss deeply now as I did then.”

Zelda tucked her legs under her arms “I feel like she would be disappointed in me. Not having unlocked my power. Chasing down lead after lead with nothing to show for it.”

“Don’t be absurd!” Urbosa scolded “She would be proud of you. Her beautiful daughter, a natural leader. Especially between Link and Revali. Hylia’s miracle you managed to wrangle them into line. I thought they were going to murder each other at their last training session.”

“I admit I was worried I was about to have to arrest one of them for murder.” Zelda admitted.

The two shared a laugh.

“Do not fret little bird.” Urbosa cupped Zelda’s cheek lovingly “She would think the world of you. She would want you to do your best, not hers.”

“I miss her Urbosa.” Zelda shed a single tear “I just miss her so terribly.”

“Me too little bird. But she lives on in you.”

Zelda clenched her fist, holding it close to her heart as she closed her eyes “I suppose I’ll just have keep at it.”

“That a girl. Now want to see something funny?” Urbosa grinned mischievously, a snap at the ready while she approached the slumbering form of Link.

-----

Link was unsure what to make of princess Zelda’s request to ask him some questions. It had been a few months since he was first assigned to her guard detail and while it had been rather rocky start, she grew to tolerate his presence and was almost friendly with him.

Almost.

Today started off no different than any other: Princess Zelda wanted to stretch her legs out in the fields. Link was used to this particularly outing. He noticed the princess often wished to leave the castle on the days her father was being forceful about her training her powers. Something that was happening with increasing occurrence nowadays.

Despite his lack of talking and general stoic disposition, he enjoyed his time with the princess. True most of it had been at a distance, carefully watching out for her safety but these last few weeks had been a nice change of pace. She allowed to walk closer to her, hadn’t scoffed or turned up her nose at him trailing behind her and became more visibly relaxed when alone with him.

Though she had also become more distracting to the young knight. Everyone knew the princess was beautiful but Link still hadn’t gotten used to it even after all this time. Every morning he would face that same beauty and every morning he would be thoroughly flatfooted at the sight of her. It was easier when she forced him to watch far away, when she spoke to and about him with a quiet disdain. She didn’t like him and he was just here to do his job. Nice, done and easy.

But lately the princess had been asking him to stay close regardless if they were traveling through the countryside or to the frigid Rito Village or the blazing furnace that was Death Mountain. She smiled often now, especially when she found a new plant or animal about. Link would be standing, vigilante when the princess would call for him and when he whirled around, sword at the ready, he found not monsters but the sight of the princess mid-smile and holding out some new thing for him to see, excitement twinkling in her eyes.

It was getting really hard to focus on his task.

“Link, are you alright?”

Link flushed, nearly tripping over himself as the princess broke him from his stupor.

They were sitting at peaceful meadow not too far the castle, the princess’s notebook at her side filled with her various observations and musings.

Link must’ve spaced out because he had not noticed the princess approach him, her face inches away from his.

“I am sorry.” She apologized “I did not mean to startle you.”

Link shook his head in disagreement, raising a hand to tell her not to worry.

“I-if you don’t feel comfortable answering my questions, you do not have to.”

Link gestured for her to continue.

“Link” the princess composed herself “Why don’t you speak?”

Link was caught off guard by the question. No one really questioned why he chose not to speak. Most assumed it was some strange choice by some stranger lad from the country. Or perhaps he could not speak. As long as he stabbed the bad guy, no one seemed to care beyond that and the more renown he gained, the more Link felt he needed to maintain the illusion, the stoic unflappable hero of Hyrule.

Well, until the real hero of Hyrule appeared.

Link mused for a moment, wondering how to best explain his situation to the princess.

“I’m sorry.”

Link was taken aback by the princess’s shameful tone.

“I….I did not mean to be so personal.” She began, eyes cast away from him “It….it just occurs to me I have known you for a few months now and yet I have never once heard you speak. I know I have not been most friendly person to you and I understand if you find me rude or perhaps annoying. I know watching me wade through the fields is not the most effective use of your talents.”

Link could feel panic setting in. He couldn’t let the princess blame herself! Especially now that she was making an effort to open up to him. Link licked his lips, willing the words to form into existence.

“I am sorry Link” Link’s heart fluttered at the sound of his name. She said his name! She said his name! She’s never said his name to him before!

“Perhaps I should just remain silent.” the princess went on “I am truly sorry for mistreating you and taking my frustration about my father out on you. You did not deserve that.”

Wait! No no no no!

The princess sighed dejectedly, turning away from Link.

Link bit his lip, taking deep slow breathes as he tried to form the words in his head.

-----

Zelda was disappointed but not surprised by Link’s lack of a response. She knew it might’ve been a little too late given her treatment of him but she had been hoping perhaps she could convince him that she was not as nasty as she appeared to him. Alas, it seems it was for naught.

“W-wait.”

Zelda blinked, unsure if she really heard what she thought she heard. She turned slowly to Link, surprised to see him with a hand outstretched, sweat forming upon his brow as he awkwardly moved his mouth as if trying to get it to work.

“D-did you say something Link?” She asked quizzically.

Link gave a short nod.

Zelda whirled around, knees against the grass as she leaned in closer, unable to get Link’s voice out of her ears.

Link gestured to himself, touching his chest with an open hand.

“You.”

Link nodded, wincing as he struggled to speak.

“I. Don’t. Like. Talking.”

Zelda was in awe at Link. For a warrior so fierce, so steely, so loyal his voice was soft. It was gentle and quiet like a breeze yet still lingered in her mind.

“You don’t like talking” Zelda repeated “I understand.”

Link nodded once before breaking into a toothy smile.

Zelda’s heart raced at the sight of the indifferent Link forming a full smile on his face. She pulled back, trying to will the red out of her hair.

Link tilted his head curiously towards Zelda before he closed the distance.

Zelda’s heart thundered in her ears as Link placed a cool hand upon her forehead, his face returning to its stony indifference but his eyes filled with worry.

“I’m fine!” Zelda waved him off, pulling away before she turned any redder “I...just thought of something.”

Link looked unconvinced but let it go. He stood to his feet and offered his hand to the princess.

Zelda stared up, the sun glowing brightly behind Link’s form as he waited patiently for her. She took his hand and he, firmly but gently, pulled her to her feet.

Link gestured to her horse.

“Yes.” Zelda nodded in agreement “Perhaps it is time to go home.”

Link gave a thumbs up and went to retrieve their horses.

Zelda pinched her cheeks with all her might.

“Urbosa was right. He is handsome.”

[rosaline-kei]

Under My Wing - Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Boruto/Naruto nor the characters.

Fandom: Boruto: Naruto Next Generation.

Parts:  「1」 ,「2」 ,「 3 」

Chapter 1′s Title: Out of Retirement

Synopsis: After her father had taken up Boruto as his student, Sarada began to feel a little... at a loss. Sure, Sasuke still teaches her some things, like how he taught her that Fireball Jutsu. But unlike to Boruto, he isn't her fulltime mentor. And now, she doesn't know who to turn for guidance in mastering her Sharingan. That is, until the Sixth Hokage came along. (Might contain Manga Spoilers)

Rated: T

Pairings (To note: Romance isn’t the main focus, though. But there will be pairing moments, just not a huge lot): Boruto Uzumaki/Sarada Uchiha , Sakura Haruno/Sasuke Uchiha , Naruto Uzumaki/Hinata Hyuga

Read it also on / Leave a Review at:

Ao3 or FF net

Author’s Note (READ AFTER READING CHAPTER): Okay so, this is my first time writing a Boruto fanfiction. I really love Sarada as a character, and I like the idea where Kakashi trains Sarada. Thus, I wrote this haha. However, the thing is I watched Boruto before actually watching Naruto (I mean, aside from the few episodes I watched on Tv when I was a kid, but I didn't really watch it chronologically lol). For a long time, I did want to watch Naruto, but never got around to it because of the many, many episodes. But I did so woohoo.

So, I just want to say my Naruto knowledge about its lore and world-building may be weak. Thus, if I make any mistakes writing about the Jutsus or even personalities about the characters, please tell me! To be honest, I've been afraid of actually writing anything Boruto or Naruto related because I'm pretty much scared for getting bashed by people if I get anything mistakenly wrong. So, haha GG to me.

Please leave a review (here or on websites linked above^^) ! I'd love to hear your thoughts and constructive criticism too!

-

It had almost been two years since Boruto Uzumaki started his training with Sasuke Uchiha.

In that time, it was irrefutable to say that the young Uzumaki had improved his abilities to a far extent, more than what most people would expect. Even Mitsuki, who would visit his parent’s hideout every now and then for a ‘simple’ round of training, had been improving, his Senjutsu, especially.

As for Sarada Uchiha, she had been making progress too. Except, she didn’t think she was making enough progress to be on par with Boruto and Mitsuki. Though, she’d never admit that much to them. She would prefer to keep these sort of thoughts and insecurities to herself as of now.

After these two years, Sarada who was now at the age of thirteen, was dissatisfied with her current ability level. Because even after the two years of missions and strenuous trainings she had with Konohamaru and the rest of Team 7, and even with her father sometimes, she still had one tomoe in both of her Sharingan eyes. She was dissatisfied with herself.

Sarada found herself walking around the training grounds, wanting to find a vacant spot to do some shuriken-related training. Supposedly, Konohamaru had been tasked to take her and her teammates off to another assigned mission today. However, he had unfortunately caught a bad case of flu. And the Seventh Hokage, being the kind man he is, gave him a break and reassigned the mission to another team.

Maybe I should go visit him later, with Boruto and Mitsuki. Sarada thought.

Just then, she heard a familiar loud idiot-like yelp erupt. Finding herself growing worried bit by bit, she rushed towards the direction where that noise echoes, to only see that that idiot was just training with her father.

Hiding behind a bush that was quite a distance away, she disguised her presence as much as she could as she decided to stay and watch a little. She wondered if her father had noticed her presence, considering he had eyes that were much sharper than hers. And most of all, he had all three tomoes in his eyes. As for Boruto, she wasn’t that concerned about him discovering her presence.

“Gahhhh! This is so hard!” He complained, sounding quite exhausted. From afar, it looked like they were practicing Shuriken-Jutsu. And it seemed like Boruto was having a hard time with his aim.

“You were able to properly aim all six shurikens at all six targets. No difference with eight of them. Weren’t you able to do all eight accurately last time anyway? This isn’t anything new.” Sasuke replied, with a stoic tone that Sarada was anything but unfamiliar with it.

“Yeah, but we did do an extremely intense Ninjutsu training earlier! And I am feeling a little tired…” Boruto reasoned with a sigh, he hadn’t had a break throughout this entire training session. Sarada knew her father was strict when it came to training with Boruto, so she could understand his exhaustion. But she also knew that even if he sounded as childish as he was two years ago, she knew that he had matured… at least, in some aspects. Unlike last time when he ran off, thinking his Rasengan had failed, she knew if he failed again now, he wouldn’t run away like last time. He would try again. He would not give up. So what he said next didn’t surprise her.

“So you want to stop?” Sasuke scoffed.

Determination suddenly gleamed in his eyes as he quickly shook his head, taking out eight Shurikens. “Hell no!” He exclaimed.

As much as Sarada wanted to stay and even join them, she decided not to, even if she was planning to do some Shuriken training too. She didn’t want to interrupt them. Besides, she was sure her father already had enough on his hands with Boruto already.

As she continued her walk to find another suitable spot, the conversation she had with her mother a few days ago began to flash in her mind.

-

“Why the sad face, Sarada? He’s coming back after another mission very soon for dinner today.” Sakura beamed, before sitting next to her daughter on the couch. She had just finished making dinner. When Sarada didn’t answer, she gave her a small nudge to snap her out of whatever deep thoughts she was having. “Did something happen with Boruto and Mitsuki or…?”

“No, Mama, nothing happened.” Sarada offered a small smile. She was telling a half-truth, though. It was true that nothing serious happened between them at all, like arguments, fights and whatnot. But at the same time, it was also true that those two were a part of the reason why she seemed a little troubled.

She wondered if it was normal for someone of the Uchiha Clan to not have at least two tomoes in their eyes by now. She had wanted to ask her father about this for quite a while now, but she had been hesitant. After all, he always seemed hesitant when it came to sharing anything about the Uchiha history.

All Sarada knew about her heritage was pretty much limited to the book she had read about it before, and even that book’s full content about Sharingan and their users was restricted. And she wished she knew why. But at the same time, a part of her was afraid to know why.

“You know, you can tell me anything.” Her mother’s tone softened into something warm and gentle, it was a tone that never failed to soothe her. To say the bond between her and Sarada was strong, was a huge understatement. Sarada loved and cared for her mother dearly. The same went with her father, of course. Although for the most part, if she had any problems regarding her emotions, she seemed to turn to Sakura more often.

However this time, she decided to only tell her a little bit of her troubles, considering her father was more or less a factor for it. She didn’t want to worry her, or her other parent. “I feel like I’m falling behind Boruto and Mitsuki.” She admitted, “I mean, it’s been more or less two years… and my Sharingan’s still…” She began to trail off, but Sakura already heard enough to understand.

“You’re still young.” Sakura spoke softly, “You still have time to improve on your strengths. And Sarada, trust me, you aren’t falling behind. Konohamaru told me the other day that you’re improving, he even said you’re getting much better at chakra control and ensuring you won’t—”

“Yeah, but still...” Sarada had cut her off, “It’s just… the Sharingan, I… I don’t know.”

Sakura’s eyes softened. She could undeniably empathise with her daughter. She once felt left behind, too. But, Sarada was anything but weak now—she was much stronger than she ever was at her age. “You can always have Konohamaru to train you personally on your Sharingan.”

“I did. But… I mean, he’s not a Sharingan user. There’s a limit on how much I can learn from him.” Sarada reasoned. If she had the courage, she would’ve told her mother about how she envied Boruto ever since he became Sasuke’s disciple. And then, she’d have told her why she never pestered her father too much on training her despite the fact he was the only present Sharingan user known to her—it was because she didn’t want to use up their family time for the sake of her training. It was because she wanted her Mama and Papa to spend more time together, too. But she didn’t. She didn’t tell her.

The thing was, she told her father that she was okay with him training with Boruto. She told him that she didn’t mind. And despite her current emotions and thoughts, and as contradictory it might sound, she still stood by what she said. Maybe it was because of the glimmering enthusiasm in her childhood friend’s blue eyes that made her unable to say that she didn’t want him to train with him.

Besides, it’d do Boruto good to train with Sasuke. He was definitely improving vastly as a Ninja now. Admittedly, he still had that rash attitude of his, but ever since he trained under him, he was… well, less of an idiot. That was the best way Sarada could put it.

Plus, it wasn’t as if her father didn’t take some time to train her. He did teach her that Fireball Jutsu. It was just, unlike Boruto, she wasn’t his fulltime disciple. She just wished…

“Sa-ra-da.” Sakura spoke, “You—”

Sakura’s sentence was cut off by the ring of the doorbell. Not wanting to keep whoever was waiting behind the door, she paused in her conversation with Sarada and went to open the door, revealing Sasuke.

After that, their conversation wasn’t continued. And Sarada would now never know what Sakura was about to say to her, but she could guess that her mother who had her sharp motherly senses, had probably figured out the full reason of what had been troubling her.

Yet, she didn’t continued their conversation. Instead, they spent what was left of that remaining day having dinner and doing some family bonding. To say the least, that family bonding did make her feel a little happier, and it had been enough to shoo off her concerns temporarily.

-

This is a perfect spot. Sarada thought, as she began to take out some of her shurikens.

Honestly, there was a part of her who did want to ask the Seventh Hokage—Naruto Uzumaki, to be her permanent mentor, considering she knew he was an extremely close friend of her father’s. So surely, he must know more about it than Konohamaru, right?

But she knew The Seventh was busy enough with his duties as Hokage. Not to mention, Sarada wasn’t so selfish that she’d steal any remaining free time from Naruto. She rather have him spend that time with Boruto and the rest of his family. She didn’t have the heart to steal away their family time. She knew how much Boruto wanted to spend more time with his father, even if he never said it out loud.

She could’ve asked her mother, too. Sakura was his wife after all. But she already seemed busy with her job at the hospital. Moreover, by the time she came home from work, she still had to do some household chores and make dinner. Sure, Sarada assisted her as much as she could, but there were days where she couldn’t due to her trainings and missions. She’d come home to a tired Sakura most of the time. And she didn’t want to exhaust her any further.

Although, maybe if one day Sakura was free and not tired, she might ask her if she could teach her some Medical Jutsu. Sarada had been growing a little interested in it recently. But, her main focus for now was her Sharingan, so it seemed.

I don’t know who else to ask. Sarada thought as she sighed quietly before throwing her shurikens at the target boards that were on the trees. And all of them had hit the target. Maybe I should try it with the kunai. She thought silently before taking out a pair.

However, just as she was about to throw, she sensed someone nearby. She then noticed she was being watched.

How long had she been watched?

Before she could turn around, she felt that someone approaching her from behind, getting closer. Not having the time to determine if the new presence was malicious or not, she quickly activated her Sharingan. Clenching onto her kunais tightly, she turned around swiftly, only to loosen her grip on her kunais as she realised who it had been watching her.

“Calm down.” She hadn’t seen him for quite a while. “It’s just me.”

Her red-coloured Sharingan eyes faded back to black as she watched the Sixth Hokage—Kakashi Hatake—approach her.

“T-The Sixth?!” She exclaimed, wondering what he was doing here, or rather, why he was watching her.

“Hello, Sarada. It’s been a while since we last chatted like this.” Although Sarada was unable to tell since he wore that mask, he was smiling a little.

It was just a nice feeling to see the daughter of two of the people he had once guided in Team 7, growing up well. He remembered seeing Sarada as a new-born child when Sasuke and Sakura had returned from a mission. He was glad that they returned safely, and was glad Sakura had been able to deliver her safely despite the fact she was on a mission.

It was just a touching feeling to see the old Team 7 he had guided, to have grown so much. The only bad thing that came out of them starting families and whatnot, was that he was referred as an Uncle by Boruto. Am I really that old? He had wondered at that time.

Well, unlike Boruto, Sarada never really called him Uncle. She often referred to him as The Sixth Hokage—Rokudaime, if anything.

“What are you doing here all alone?” He queried.

“I was… practicing Shuriken-Jutsu… what about you? What are you doing here?” She questioned back, curious.

“Hm? Oh, I was searching for you.” He answered, and before Sarada could ask another question he quickly continued. “I saw Sasuke not too far from here training with Boruto on Shuriken-Jutsu too. You could join them.”

And that’s when he saw the young Uchiha’s eyes and even expression, soften into something along the line of sad. “I wouldn’t want to interrupt them.” She gave a weak smile.

It was just as Sakura said. He thought, as he remembered the day she had approached him.

-

"I haven't seen you in a while Kakashi-sensei." Sakura had chuckled lightly.

Kakashi sighed lightly, "You know, I'm technically not your sensei anymore."

"Don't say that." Sakura said, "To me, you'll always be Kakashi-sensei. Besides, you don't complain so much whenever Naruto and I call you that." She smirked a little.

"Yeah, yeah..." He rolled his eyes a little, thankful for the mask that hid the smile that had just formed on his lips. He didn't need anymore teasing. Although he had to admit, he was indeed quite happy that most of his students still referred to him as 'sensei', even after when he had become the Sixth Hokage. "What did you call me out for, anyway?"

Kakashi was definitely caught off guard by what she had said. Although, before he could say anything, she continued. “Aside from Sasuke-kun, you’re the only one who had the Sharingan after all.”

Had. He was a Sharingan user, albeit not anymore.

“Of course, I know you’re still the Sixth Hokage, who still has responsibilities, so you don’t have to. It’s just… even though Sarada has trained her hardest, she feels a little dissatisfied with herself, especially with the fact that she still only has one tomoe each in her eyes even after two years. And even though she doesn’t say it out loud, I know she wants to at least train with someone who has experience with the Sharingan. But she doesn’t want to bother her father more than she already does, since he already has Boruto to teach. She’s… a considerate girl.” Sakura sighed. It seemed like she really could read her daughter like an open book. Because what she said was true, even if Sarada never told her about it. “Of course, Sasuke-kun still teaches her new Jutsus every now and then, like that Fireball Jutsu. But he hadn’t done so much recently with her, since he still has that mission and not to mention, his Boruto’s mentor now.”

Kakashi heaved a heavy sigh as he scratched the back of his head, “But why ask me? Aside from the Sharingan part, I’m sure Konohamaru is doing a great job, no?”

“That’s true.” Sakura sighed, “But it seems like she really wants to focus on that Sharingan of hers. Plus, you already know her dream, she wants to be the Hokage. No one else is better suited than you.”

Kakashi thought about it for a while. As of now, he didn’t have that much responsibilities as compared to Naruto who was probably still working at the Hokage’s office. Granted, he still had some duties as the Sixth Hokage, especially since there was still that ongoing Otsutsuki issue. But, he wasn’t so busy that he couldn’t take in a student.

Plus, he knew Sarada had an immense amount of potential. She had inherited Sakura’s strength and Sasuke’s Sharingan. It would definitely be a waste if she didn’t maximise her potential to its fullest. And to some extent, he could see what Sakura meant. The best way to master the Sharingan, was to have someone who had more experience with it, to teach the less experienced one.

It wouldn’t hurt becoming a sensei again, would it?

Shrugging his shoulders as he heaved another heavy sigh, he groaned quietly, “I can’t believe you’re making me come out from my retirement as a sensei, Sakura.”

-

“Rokudaime?” Sarada called out when she noticed Kakashi had been spacing out. “Why were you looking for me? Did I do something wrong?” She asked, sounding a little worried.

Kakashi quickly shook his head, “No.” He answered simply. “But you don’t have to call me Rokudaime anymore. Starting from today, you’ll be calling me Kakashi-sensei.”

Eh? Sarada had always been intelligent, but still, it took her brain quite a while to process what he had just said. And when it did, only one word left her lips.

“EHHHHH?”

[thirst-trapnhl]

Never Grew Out of This Feeling 1(charlie mcavoy)

(A/N): hey guys! i’ve toyed with the idea of a charlie fic for a long time and I wanted it to feel very “Long Island” because growing up here shaped so much of me, as I’m sure it did Charlie. I’ve made an entirely pop-punk playlist to go with the series as that’s the music I listened to growing up that sounds like home to me. I hope you enjoy! (word count: 2295) (warnings: underage drinking, marijuana use, cursing)

Song of the chapter: skyway avenue - we the kings

“Cause if you jump, I will jump too. We will fall together from the building’s ledge, never looking back at what we’ve done. We’ll say it was love cause I would die for you on skyway avenue.”

Charlie had been at your side since the first time you jumped off the swing mid-air on the playground at your elementary school. You’d landed feet first in the sand, the force sending you backwards right onto your butt. You remember seeing a pair of blue sneakers next to you, and you looked up, past his Ninja Turtles shirt to his big, round face.

“Woah,” was his only response as you got to your feet, brushing your pants off with your hands. He looked at you like you were the coolest person he’d ever seen and asked, unashamed like only little kids can be, “Can you teach me how to do that?”

He’d gone home that day and told his mom all about his new friend; how she laughed instead of screamed while she flew through the air, and how she fell from the jungle gym and scraped her knee and didn’t even cry. He’d chattered about her the entire time they stood waiting in line at Dunkin Donuts, only stopping to consider whether he’d prefer a strawberry or vanilla frosted that day.

10 years later, on the eve of your high school graduation, he’s facing the same dilemma. You stand to the side, hand wrapped around your large iced caramel latte. “C’mon, Chuck, it’s a doughnut, not a real estate purchase.” The woman behind the counter stares at him blankly, clearly unimpressed.

“He’ll just take a strawberry and a vanilla frosted, thanks.” You jump in for him and the cashier turns without hesitation. He pouts a little at you and you just raise an eyebrow. “We both know if you only got one you’d finish it and complain about wanting another anyway.” He pretends to look offended for a second before realizing its time to pay, and he pulls a crumpled up $10 from his pocket to hand to the cashier with a smile.

“Yeah, you’re right.” You laugh at that and he turns to smile back at you while he waits for his change. You make sure you both have all your stuff before beginning the minute-long trek to the beach. You cross the boardwalk, minding the bikers speeding by and children zigzagging through legs and slip your shoes off to bury your toes in the finally warm May sand. A satisfied little noise leaves you then, and it makes Charlie chuckle. “Sand finally warm enough for you, Princess?” You jut your tongue out at him in response as you make your way to the jetty in front of you, eager to soak up more warmth from the deep gray rocks to offset the breeze passing through.

“The sand’s been staying cold longer since Sandy, you know that.” The mood sombers a little at the mention of the hurricane, both of you remembering how hard it was to watch your whole world get washed away and rebuilt again. You let the only sound between you be the waves lapping at the shore as Charlie finishes his second doughnut.

“Are you scared for tomorrow?” You turn to look at Charlie and he’s fiddling with the braided twine bracelet you’d made him last summer on his wrist. You take a moment to consider his question, turning your gaze back to the ocean to watch a cargo ship pass.

“Yeah, I guess. I mean, I don’t really have a plan after this, but you know me. I’ll figure it out eventually.” You shrug your shoulders as you finish. “Are you scared?” You glance over to Charlie to find him already looking at you, small smile on his face.

“Never.” You both laugh at that, shoulders bumping. As your giggles subside, your eyes close, taking in the warmth of the sun and Charlie all at once.

The rest of June is marked by Instagram photos of your friends tossing their caps and summer nights that end crawling through your bedroom window, footsteps too loud on the tin roof of your garage. Sleep only comes in spurts, two or three hours at time. You’re running on adrenaline and greasy deli bacon egg and cheeses, squeezing in early morning sessions on your board with Charlie before the rest of the world comes to life. The ocean’s always felt like a part of you, wild and dangerous and formidable, pacifying and home and a friend all in one.

The two of you usually don’t talk while you’re out in the surf, letting the current take her turn telling stories. When your legs have finally had enough, burning and wobbling in the best way, you paddle back to the shoreline and unzip your suit, letting it hang around your waist while you settle into the sand. Charlie plops besides you with an “oof” and you dig into your bag, tossing him his breakfast. You’re amazed every day that the cheese is still melty when you pull your sandwich apart, silently thanking Domenic from the bagel place who always remembers to double wrap your order in aluminum. You eat quickly and in relative silence, ravenous in the way that time in the water always makes you. It’s only when you’re both sucking the extra cheese off your fingers that you finally turn to Charlie. “Honestly, Chucks, I don’t see how life could be any better than it is right now.” He takes a minute to keep chewing and you notice a smear of ketchup coming from the side of his mouth. You search in your backpack for a napkin and offer it to him.

He wipes the ketchup from his mouth, and the teasing smile that replaces it has you rolling your eyes already. “Well, (Y/N), I’m 98% sure you’ll say the exact same thing later when we’re sitting on top of the playground and you’re half a four loko deep.” You feign offense for not even 10 seconds before crumbling into giggles. Your shoulders shake with laughter as you tilt your head to sip from your gatorade.

“What can I say, I drink some loko and end up on top of the world.” He cracks his Gatorade bottle open and lifts it in cheers.

“I’ll drink to that!”

He’s right, of course. Later that night, you’ve managed to scale the slide, a spliff hanging from the side of your mouth. When you look down at Charlie, hands on his hips, your vision is just a bit unfocused but you can’t miss the Cheshire Cat grin he has splashed across his face as he looks up at you.

“Toss me up a lighter, please, Chuck!” You call down to him and he digs through his pocket, finding the blue bic you bought him last week. He tries to toss it to you underhand and falls just short of your outstretched fingers. The small lighter bounces a couple of times before landing with a thump on the rubber below his feet. “Oh, man,” you laugh, “looks like you’re just gonna have to come up here with me, bud.”

Charlie picks the lighter up with a huff, stuffing it in his pocket before making his climb. When he finally settles down next to you the heat from his arm warms you, despite both of your long sleeved t-shirts and the inch of space between you. “I dunno how you always manage to get me up here with you.” His words slur a little, voice tired from spending the night talking over the music playing blaring through the speakers in someone’s garage. You laugh at that, sliding the lighter from his fingers easily before lighting up.

“Honestly, Charles, you aren’t that hard to convince.” You push the words out while managing to not exhale anything until the look on Charlie’s face forces a laugh out of you. You cough around the smoke in the back of your throat and it makes Charlie snicker in response, bumping his shoulder to yours. You offer him the spliff and he moves his face in, but makes no move to take it from your fingers. You hold it up to his lips for him and when you start to pull it away, he chases it, bringing his face a little too close to yours. You make no move to back away from each other, eye to eye for a quiet second before you scrunch your nose up at him and move to raise it to your lips again. You narrow your eyes at him before taking another small hit. “Weed hog.”

August 15th rolls around the corner before you know it. Both of you stand sun-kissed and sweaty after you help Charlie and his parents load his bags into their trunk. His parents conveniently return back inside to “double check everything,” leaving the two of you alone to say your goodbyes. Charlie stands with his hands in the pockets of his shorts, kicking pebbles on the concrete with his eyes focused on his feet. You know you should say something, make a joke to lighten the mood but you can’t find a single funny thing to say about watching your best friend drive away from the island you’ve both planted roots on. “Charlie,” you start but have to stop yourself when your voice begins to break. He sniffles loudly, toes still drawing a line back and forth in front of him. You take a deep breath, steeling yourself against the tears you know are coming. “Charlie, look at me, seriously.” He shakes his head a little, peeking up at you with glassy eyes. You can’t hold yourself back any longer and cross the space between you, arms wiggling under his to rest you against his chest. You stand like that for a few silent moments, listening to his heartbeat and the sound of his next door neighbor’s air conditioner rattling. His hand finds its way to the back of your head, holding you to him and letting his fingertips rub your scalp, nails too short to scratch. You rub your hand slowly up and down his back for a while before pulling back just enough to give yourself room to speak. “Hey, I am so fucking proud of you. Boston is so fucking lucky to have you, Chuck, deadass.”

His left hand comes up to wipe a tear from his eye as he rests his cheek against the top of your head. “I’ll see you for Columbus Day?” He already knows he will. You’ve planned with his parents to go up for a game that weekend, but it’s nice for both you to hear out loud.

“I’ll see you for Columbus Day. Just don’t become a bruins fan up there, bud.” You both laugh, pulling away to wipe your eyes. His parents emerge from the house, locking the front door behind them. His father claps his hand against Charlie’s shoulder before kissing your cheek and climbing into the driver’s seat.

Charlie’s mom takes one look at the two of you standing at the end of the driveway and before you know it, she’s crying too. Charlie lovingly rolls his eyes before wrapping her up in a big bear hug.

You come up behind her to rub a hand along her back. “Aww, c’mon Ma, it isn’t that bad. At least your house won’t reek of hockey pads for a while.”

Her answering laugh makes you glad you saved your joke for her, and she pulls away from Charlie to rest a hand against your face. You lean into it and look into the eyes of the woman who’s treated you as nothing less than a daughter for most of your life.

“I’ll see you next week still?” Charlie’s mom brought up the idea of you coming over for dinner once a week while Charlie’s gone to ‘keep her from getting empty nest syndrome’ and you easily agreed, knowing it’d be as much of a comfort for you as it would be for her.

“Of course, Mama. You couldn’t get rid of me now if you tried.” Charlie mumbles something under his breath that sounds a lot like “oh trust me, I’ve tried,” and you laugh as his mother gives him a firm smack in the chest. She untangles herself entirely from her son and presses a kiss to your cheek before finding her way to the car too. It’s only you and Charlie again, standing face to face and doing your best to not feel the months stretching ahead of you. You’re both sniffling again, and this time it’s you who can’t bring yourself to lift your eyes from the ground. “You sure you don’t wanna come live under my bed in my dorm? I think you could fit.” Charlie almost-whispers to you and when you finally look up, the tears welling in his eyes are enough to send yours spilling down your cheeks.

You hug him one last time, his chest muffling your voice when you tell him, “I’d never live under your bed. I have no idea what kind of shit’s growing down there.” He plants a kiss right on your forehead before pulling away. You roll your eyes when he holds his hand out for a fist bump just before he’s out of your reach, but in the end you smile and oblige him. He climbs into the backseat of his parents car like you’ve done so many times. As his dad pulls away from the curb, he turns around to shoot you a sideways peace sign through the back window. You give him one last pout before returning the gesture and he settles forward into his seat. You’re tempted to chase after them. Instead, you let your shoulders drop and release a breath you’d been holding for what feels like weeks, and you turn around, walking the three blocks back to your house.

[kakashisavakening]

Chapter 2 - Shattered

It has been a couple of days since Kakashi and Sakura were linked by Tsunade. Naruto has returned, once again unsuccessfully. He has refused every single mission ever since, not wanting to leave Sakura-chan when she was in such a vulnerable state. 

"It's not like you can do anything for them at this stage..." - Tsunade murmured annoyedly. The missions were piling up and she just couldn't get either Genma or Naruto to go. She felt like she shot herself in the leg with this procedure, because she wasn't short of 2 of her best shinobi, but 4. 

Naruto didn't even leave the hospital at night. He was basically sleeping on a chair by Sakura's bed every day since he got back. Sometimes Hinata tagged along, but she never had much time to stick around. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kakashi has returned every day to the training grounds after that day. Sakura couldn't talk to him nor could he talk to her. But he was strangely drawn to meet up with her every single day. She always tried to talk to him, and some things he did understand. But not all. Well, not most of the stuff. 

She seemed extremely annoyed with him for it, but there wasn't much he could do to change it.

One day, when he arrived, she was healing a bird with a medical jutsu. It surprised him, but at least now he knew that he was facing a medical ninja. He slowly knocked on the barrier between them. She looked up at him. He slowly hooked his index and middle finger into his mask to pull it off.  Sakura blushed up to her ears. She has never seen his face before, but man he was gorgeous. The scar almost reached his jaw line and on the same side, a tiny birthmark broke the otherwise perfect skin. One would think he has tan lines from always wearing that mask, but the skin wasn't even half a shade darker around his eyes than around his mouth.

"Who are you?" - He mouthed. 

"Sakura Haruno." - She replied. The let the bird go, and walked towards the barrier. - "I am your student." - She mouthed slowly. 

Student? - Kakashi though. - But I am not a teacher, nor have any intention to be. I am perfectly fine here in the anbu. At least here I don't have to worry about what people think of me because of my past. As long as they fear me and stay away, I don't have to care about them if they die during missions. Why would I ever become a teacher? That would just mean accepting responsibility for not one, not two, but THREE genins...  He shook his head in disbelief. He wouldn't do that to himself. He wouldn't risk this. Not now, not ever.

Sakura started to look through all her pockets, and finally pulled out a photograph. It was wrinkled and torn at the edges, the colours were faded by the years... but it was still her most prized possession. She slapped the photograph against the barrier so he could see better. It was him, smiling happily behind the three kids.  But he seemed strangely older than he was right now. Was this what the future held for him? But she looked much younger on the photograph. The two other boys were also familiar to him. He ran his fingers through his messy, silver hair and sighed. What the hell was going on? 

That's it. - Kakashi made the hand signs for Chidori - I need to talk to this girl. 

"You might want to take a step back." - He said as he backed away as well to hit the barrier with the right velocity. Previously, when Sakura had used her strength to try to break though, it broke two of her knuckles, therefore she was very worried that his jutsu might fire back. She did back away, but tried to call out to him to stop. Nevertheless, he persisted.

Kakashi lunged forward, slamming his lightning-filled fist against the barrier. As soon as his hand made contact with the wall, ripples of light filled the otherwise invisible surface. He felt the power of the barrier rush through his bones, almost breaking them, but he was determined to get through.  Then something cracked. He wasn't sure if it was his hand or the barrier, because immediately, a force launched him backwards. Sakura saw a small hole on the barrier almost immediately. She decided to take this chance, partially because she wasn't sure if there will ever be another, when the wall is vulnerable and partially because she was sure Kakashi needs medical help - his arm bending the wrong way was a pretty good hint about the latter. 

She gathered all her strength and punched as hard as she could. Then again, and again until the crack between them ran up to the sky. Kakashi was unconscious from the pain, so she had to break through alone. She gathered every bit of chakra she had left for a final hit. 

The wall suddenly crumbled before she could hit it. The border between the two had vanished without a trace. Now they were one. What he felt, she did too, and the other way around was true as well. Since the pain of his broken arm was just a hallucination of the mind, she didn't feel that, but she did sense his desperation and panic.  His mind was panicking. Someone who wasn't supposed to be there was entering without a second thought.

Sakura sprinted to this unfamiliar version of her sensei and quickly attended to his injury. But he was completely out of it. She threw his healthy arm over her shoulder and took off towards the hospital, not passing a single soul on the way there. Some faded memories appeared but she paid no mind to them.  When she finally got there and laid him down on a bed, a memory of someone unfamiliar to her on one of the beds played for a couple of seconds, and then drifted away.  It was so crazy to her that Kakashi would build his inner world as a completely empty Konoha. The only thing that caught her attention was that the whole village was overrun with cherry blossom trees. They were in full bloom despite the cruel weather. She was also interested where could he go, when he was unconscious in his own mind. She made a quick mental note to ask it from Tsunade-sama once she gets back... because now, surely she will get back. He let her in. Now she can finally talk to him and tell him how much she needs him...

I mean how much Konoha needs him... - she quickly corrected herself. - I need him too, sure.. because he is my sensei and...

There she stopped her train of thought for a moment. - And what? - She felt herself flush from ear to ear. She never thought she felt something for him... not until she saw him like this. Not that he was about the same age group here, but because of what she saw. She never let herself think of Kakashi like that before. There was no place in her heart, when she was so focused on Sasuke. Sakura has always taken Kakashi's presence for granted, even though she always knew that the way of the shinobi was a dangerous path. She had never imagined her sensei to get seriously hurt, because to her, he was invincible. But now, both in body and mind, he was damaged seriously and it lifted this veil from her eyes. 

Kakashi, despite how strong or talented he was; he was still only human. And maybe this was the realisation that kicked that door wide open. As she watched him sleep, she found herself reaching for a strand of hair, tucking it behind his ear.  A small smile found its way to her lips, and a strange warmth filled her heart. This man, who was always so distant, and always such a scatterbrained... he let her in. Not just now, but even before this. He let her into his life, despite all this darkness surrounding him. He was there for her, always. So now it was about time she had returned the favour. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All of a sudden both of the heart monitors went off, displaying that both Kakashi and Sakura were having a seizure. Naruto flew the door open and yelled for help. A bunch of nurses rushed into the room, one pushed Naruto outside. 

He has never been so worried. He had already lost one team mate and with that being said, he was not ready to lose the two remaining ones. Just a couple seconds passed by when a nurse came out. 

"It's all good now..." - she sighed - "They have advanced to stage two, so that's good news."

"Stage two?" - Naruto was confused. Wasn't the plan just that Sakura-chan goes in, shakes Kakashi awake, and comes back? 

"Yeah, they finally were able to break through each other's psyche. Now they can communicate... Tsunade-sama was worried that this will never happen, but thankfully their bond was deep enough." - She explained.

For a second, he was both filled with rage and confusion. For one, if old lady Tsunade thought there was a very slim chance that Sakura would succeed, why did she send her in? And also, what bond?  As far as he knew, Kakashi was always busy training Sasuke, but never really paid much attention the Kunoichi of their team. Sure, Sakura was very talented, but her talents were very different from his or Sasuke's, therefore the sensei never really put much effort into her training. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sakura wet a piece of cloth at the sink and put it on Kakashi's forehead. As soon as the cool material touched his skin, his eyes shot open and he gripped her wrist with a borderline painful force. She winced but then withdrew her hand. Kakashi didn't say anything for a second, just stared at her.

"I am glad you woke up..." - Sakura mumbled. His dark eyes have never felt so piercing. Of curse, he has never felt or saw what she did. Now there was only a blurred difference between which were her emotions and which were his. She felt like he could gaze into her very soul. 

"Why did you help me?" - He asked. 

"You are important to me, that's why." - She said. When she realised what had really left her lips, her cheeks became sightly rosier than before. 

"Important?" - He raised an eyebrow. Kakashi could feel that she was telling the truth. He quickly turned his gaze away from her as if he was looking for something. He wasn't sure how, but he knew he cared for her too, despite not being entirely sure who this girl really was.

[obsidianarchives]

Game of Thrones Recap: S8E6 - "The Iron Throne"

After the penultimate episode dropped the bar for plausible writing and character motivations, I was already primed for the finale to be more of the same. Written by men who had an ending in mind without much of an idea of how to get there, “The Iron Throne” is again carried by outstanding performances by the actors who have grown to embody their roles on screen, but hamstrung by the apathy borne through the shortcuts taken to get there. Still, we’re going to get these jokes off and try to make sense of what happened along the way.

King’s Landing

The episode opens with a quiet close up of Tyrion’s disgusted and broken face as he surveys the aftermath of Daenerys’s decision to go full Adele and set fire to the reign. If you didn’t know the finale was going to be Peter Dinklage’s Emmy push, you figured it out soon enough. The charred and still-burning remains of the capital city (with surprisingly walkable debris-clear walkways) daunt the Hand of the Queen as the last Lannister takes on the weight of his failure to convince Dany to be merciful, choosing a solo walk to the Red Keep.

Jon and Davos, after granting Tyrion’s wish of solitude, run into Grey Worm and a platoon of Unsullied soldiers carrying out the Queen’s Justice. The (not-quite) bastard of Winterfell gets on his high horse and objects to further slaughter of defeated Lannister troops but the leader of the Unsullied isn’t trying to hear any of that noise. To his eyes, they are the Queen’s enemies and they’re still breathing, so the job isn’t finished. Being the damned honorable fool he is, Jon tries to grab Grey Worm’s arm to stop him from carrying out his sentencing and the rest of the Unsullied square up to protect their general. The Northmen behind Jon follow suit, quite a bit slower, and we’re stuck in a stand-off until Davos eases tensions and suggests talking to the Queen to gain clarity on that order. Let’s keep it a buck, Jon’s troops would have gotten that WORK from the Unsullied. He knew it, Davos knew it, their mamas knew it, and so Jon lets Grey Worm’s arm go and skips along to see Dany faster than Cersei did avoiding the Cleganebowl.

Making his way into the castle, Tyrion passes the Small Council chambers, Cersei’s painted map of Westeros, and searches the cellars for some sign of hope against all futility that Jaime was successful at escaping with his sister. Digging through the rubble, he comes across a golden hand, and after uncovering his twin siblings’ remarkably well-preserved remains, breaks down in rage and despair. That boy was ACT-ING this episode!

Arya, who was last seen as Death riding a pale horse leaving the city, is for some reason back in the middle of King’s Landing on foot as she spots Jon making his way through Dany’s army celebrating their Queen’s conquest with the Targaryen flag already flying above the city. As Jon slowly summits the steps leading to the burned out Red Keep, we get a flawless rendering of Dany walking out to meet the masses with Drogon’s outstretched wings behind her, the Targaryen every bit the dragon she was born to be. Not ones for subtlety, Benioff and Weiss have the Unsullied and Dothraki (who both seem to have magically repopulated since the Battle of Winterfell) aligned in classic military propaganda formation straight out of the Third Reich, as Daenerys launches into her vision of the new world. Rather than being satisfied with coming home again and reclaiming her ancestral throne, she is now ready to liberate all the people of the world from tyranny wherever she sees fit on every continent, as she finally gives voice to her abstractions of breaking the wheel.

What made last week’s heel turn for Daenerys such an odd choice, was that this was the tyrannical energy the show had been seeding for her all series long. Dany the Conqueror, rather than the Queen, is who she has always been shown to be at the core. Even a character as single-minded as Daario peeped game on that seasons ago. Her needlessly slaughtering citizens of the country she now controlled added nothing to her story when she was already presented as someone who would burn down the old world and anyone standing in the way of her just new one. The fact that the show realized this hadn’t been presented as alarming enough to give Tyrion, Jon, and the others pause until two episodes before the finale — forcing the need to insert implausible character decisions this late into the game — is endemic of the writing so many have been disappointed by.

A Daenerys so convinced of her innate goodness that she sees herself as the only arbiter of justice is terrifying, yet entirely within the scales of an established morality we’ve seen since episode one. Burning your own city to instill fear in those who were only in the capital because they were already afraid of you is maddeningly pointless and logically inconsistent.

Tyrion, who’s as fed up as many of the viewers, confronts his Queen while confessing his latest treason of freeing his brother, and flings off his Hand of the Queen badge in front of the gathered host. Somehow he wasn’t executed on the spot for this (or all his other failures) and is brought to a makeshift prison since the Black Cells are closed for excavation at the moment. He shares a knowing look with Jon as he’s being led away, who turns to probe Dany marching back to her castle, leaving him alone on the platform until Arya ninjas her way up there. She tries to warn Jon that he’s in danger, but you already know he knows nothing.

A picture of inner turmoil, Jon visits Tyrion in his cell, seemingly looking for any way of talking himself into continuing to stand behind Dany after her war crimes. Tyrion however, realizing he played himself after betraying his best friend for inciting treason just last week, pulls a 180 and does everything but get down on one knee to beg Jon to put aside the Ranger and become who he was born to be. The former Hand tries to explain (as a proxy for the writers) how Daenerys’s murder frenzy was foreshadowed all along and compares burning slave masters with non-combatant civilians, showing my man has still lost the thread as he hasn’t been right since he shot his father with a crossbow.

I appreciate the attempt at demonstrating a pattern of violence, and the fact that Daenerys kept killing the right evil people did obscure a creeping tyranny of her own, but these two things are not analogous. It’s the same reason we can tell the difference between Tyrion using wildfire in the Battle of the Blackwater, and Cersei using it to blow up the Sept of Baelor. Tyrion also elides the fact that he was by her side, advising Daenerys through many of these decisions by admitting he loves her, so it's not his fault, nor would it be Jon's for that same reason. After all his other pleas fail, Tyrion echoes Varys trying to convince Ned Stark to confess in season one, and invokes the safety of Sansa and Arya, as it’s all too clear the lengths Daenerys will go to consolidate and maintain her power. He even flips Maester Aemon’s warnings that love is the death of duty into, “sometimes duty is the death of love.”

Still swearing by his Queen, Jon proceeds to the throne room, but not before being sniffed out by Drogon — the three-time defending Hide-and-Seek champion — who managed to bury himself completely in the falling ash. Meanwhile Daenerys, fulfilling her vision from the House of the Undying finally lays her eyes on the prize, and summits the steps to the Iron Throne. She reaches out to claim her victory, but just as in her dream she turns away before getting to sit, becoming distracted by Jon entering the room.

Secure in herself having attained her dream, she greets Jon warmly forgetting she’s disgusted with his betrayal. She begins telling him her origin story, which he interrupts to talk out his angst. As the stupidest man alive, Jon implores her to find some justification for her actions and searches for any shred of the woman he thought she was. Dany unwittingly talks herself out of salvation, describing the world she and Jon will build together as they decide what “good” is, and he realizes she’s too far gone with her convictions. Promising she’ll always be his Queen he finally kisses her like he did by the lake in Naboo, but as he slips the tongue Jon also slips his knife into Daenerys. Just like a man he had to get up in them guts one last time. Cradling Dany’s limp corpse the same way he did Ygritte after she was shot in Castle Black, Jon is a broken man crushed by the weight of his sense of duty to the realm with the genuine love he shared for his now murdered aunt.

The most surprising part of this moment was how boring the whole thing was. Despite genuine performances (Emilia Clarke deserves all her things), and a beautiful score backing it, the whole affair came off as entirely perfunctory. Sure it was the ending most expected, but I never thought I would feel the gaping nothingness watching it all go down. For all the investment I had in both of the characters’ arcs, it was Drogon’s pained screeches of fury that moved me the most as he felt his psychic bond with his mother severed. Watching my young dragon son try to nudge Daenerys back to life like she was Mufasa somehow managed to be far more evocative than the supposed shock of being stabbed to death by her love. Jon didn’t even get Lightbringer for all his troubles.

The dragon in a rage turns towards his cousin, and Jon who it feels like has been looking for a way to die ever since he was resurrected, stands there ready to receive justice. Drogon, First of his name, rightful heir to the Iron Throne and King of the Seven Kingdoms, decides instead to turn his fury on the chair whose corrupting force drove his mother to this end and melts the damn thing. We knew dragons were highly intelligent, but who knew they had such a grasp for symbolism? Taking a final look at Jon, Drogon picks up Daenerys with his claw and flies off into the night as we fade to black.

The scene reopens with Tyrion being awoken in his cell after an unspecified time skip marked only by the shagginess of his beard. Grey Worm leads him out to the Dragon Pit where the lords and ladies of Westeros’ Great Houses have assembled. Sam speaks for the Tarlys despite being disinherited as a member of the Night’s Watch, we have the unnamed Prince of Dorne mentioned two episodes ago, Queen of the Iron Isles Yara Greyjoy, Lord of Storm’s End Gendry Baratheon, a couple of random white men no one even bothers to introduce, and they even dug up Edmure Tully and a Neville Longbottoming Robin Arryn. But the stars of the show are clearly the Starks (Arya, Bran, and Sansa) here to get their brother out of prison. Oh yeah, Jon apparently was arrested off-screen despite there being no body of Daenerys, no dagger to find, and no witnesses to what happened, so you know his dumb ass confessed unprompted. And some people really wanted this dry snitching idiot as King.

As always in these Love & Hip Hop reunion shows, things get off to a contentious start. Yara, whose reign in the Iron Islands was granted by Daenerys, is all for executing Jon for regicide. Arya reminds her to check her tone, and that if she talks about killing Jon again she’ll help her join the rest of the Greyjoys in the afterlife with the quickness. Davos offers to pay off the Unsullied with the Reach (presumably Highgarden) but Grey Worm angrily rejects the bribe in favor of justice. As there is no King or Queen to decide that justice however, Tyrion proposes the assembled crowd decide on a new ruler. There is a perfectly hilarious moment as Edmure Tully really has the unmitigated gall to put himself up for the throne before Sansa — with all the kindness and shade she can muster — tells her uncle to sit his five dollar ass down before she makes change. For a moment, I thought he might have had the good sense to nominate someone else (namely Sansa), but he really tried it. The cackle I let out when I realized he was serious might be my favorite thing this season. Edmure couldn’t even sit down after being shamed into silence without accidentally banging his sword on the pillar of the tent. A clown to the last.

Sam tries to propose the concept of democracy and gets laughed out of the room to the general bemusement of the convened crowd. Tyrion, once again talking himself out of trouble is asked who he thinks should be crowned, and those who thought Jon’s parentage would come into play (at all) in the finale were as bitterly disappointed as #SansaHive when the Lord Lannister put forth Bran Stark. Citing the importance of stories, he decides that Bran has the most electability and as the Three-Eyed Raven knows all the stories. How he decided Bran had the best story when Sansa, Brienne, Arya, or even Davos are sitting right there, no one knows. It remains unclear how much anyone outside of Winterfell is even aware or believes about Bran’s abilities so I’m still not sure how the rest of the nobility went along with it, but after a whole season maintaining he doesn’t want anything anymore, Bran accepts the nomination as King with a sardonic “Why do you think I came all this way?”

Forget the horrible title of “Bran the Broken” as given by Tyrion, he’s Bran the Scammer. This fool really sat there in his chair and finessed his way to the top. Chaos is a ladder indeed! The last time we saw this man in charge he was giving away the two farm hands that Theon burned in place of him and Rickon, and losing his castle to a motley crew of Ironborn. But for some reason, everyone else seems to listen to the twice deposed Hand and Bran carries the day. After a unanimous vote, Sansa demures and asserts the North’s independence from the crown, which King Brandon Stark accepts. Apparently no one told any of the other houses that was an option before the voting. That noise you hear in the background is the internal scream of Dorne and the Iron Islands' regret. Bran then immediately makes Tyrion his Hand, much to Grey Worm’s objection, his punishment for his crimes being to fix the many wrongs he’s made…by doing the same job he already had and screwed up in the first place. Apparently this made sense to everyone but Grey Worm. To keep the peace, Jon, rather than being freed or executed is sent to the Night’s Watch, which their former Lord Commander can’t believe still exists.

Beginning our final goodbyes, we get Jon finally back to his glorious windswept curly hair blowing in freedom as he prepares to head north. He gets stared down by Grey Worm for the last time, who is sailing with the rest of the Unsullied to Naath so that he can honor his word to Missandei to free her people and protect the home she loved so much. The Dothraki are also boarding up, presumably to sail back to Essos as well, but for whatever reason pay no mind to the man who murdered their Khaleesi. On the dock of the bay, the remaining Stark children, after years of being split up by war, finally choose their own fates. Sansa is returning home to rule the North in the Stark name, Bran of course will remain in the capital as King, but the girl who threw away her life as no one to reclaim herself as Arya Stark of Winterfell, decides to make good on a season six promise (made when she thought she had no more family) to sail to the end of the map and find what’s west of Westeros. It’s another moment at odds with the character who had gone through hell to get back to her loved ones, but perhaps more understandable in light of her decision to live for more than just vengeance.

After another uncertain time jump, we find Brienne of Tarth as Lord Commander of the Kingsguard flipping through the Book of Brothers (the White Book) to see Jaime Lannister’s accomplishments, which she fills in with her own hand. Resisting the petty urges in me to turn it into a Burn Book, the most honorable knight in Seven Six Kingdoms restores a bit of dignity to the Kingslayer’s name with Oathkeeper (and possibly Widow’s Wail) hanging on the wall of White Sword Tower. They really could have given it back to the Starks as a sign of goodwill since they were forged from Ice, but I suppose technically it is with the last trueborn son of Ned Stark after they were used to defend his daughters.

Back in the small council room, Tyrion methodically rearranges the deck chairs on the Titanic as we meet King Bran’s court. The new Hand is joined by Bronn, Lord of Highgarden and Lord Paramount of the Reach, as Master of Coin (because a scammer never dies); Ser Davos as the Master of Ships; and Sam Tarly as Grand Maester (despite not having earned any actual links on his chain) because white dudes always fail up. Sam presents Tyrion with the newest work from the Citadel, “A Song of Ice and Fire” detailing the entire series as they lean into the Tolkien. Bran came through dripping in his Kingly raven-themed fit pushed by none other than Ser Podrick, who got himself into the Kingsguard as well. Asking about Drogon’s whereabouts, the best information the council has was that he was flying east (possibly towards Volantis or Valyria) and Bran intones he might have better luck finding the dragon before abruptly being wheeled out of the meeting. Picking up where the series began, we have the small council ruling the country while the King does whatever he feels like, bored with the monotony of ruling.

Speaking of full circle, the series ends mirroring its opening shot from the cold open, with riders leaving Castle Black and setting out beyond the Wall. With the threat of the White Walkers apparently over and the wildlings reaching a peace with the Night’s Watch, the journey is much less perilous. Jon, back in his familiar black as King Crow, and the Stark children now have chosen the people they want to be, as scenes of each of them stepping into their destiny are intercut with their muted victories. Sansa receives the coronation she’s long deserved as Queen in the North, Arya sets sail to Valinor, and Jon — reunited with Ghost and Tormund — sets out with the rest of the Free Folk seemingly forever, choosing to live his life in the real North.

Turn out the lights, the party’s over! In a vacuum, I don’t hate most of the resolutions nearly as much as I thought I would (especially if we end up getting the Arya spinoff that we deserve). But that’s just it, the episode felt exactly like what it was, a mad dash to get to bullet point notes for character journeys. If it weren’t for the previous episodes lowering my expectations, I’d be more disappointed with so many character arcs ending in flat circles, erasing years of growth, but there was no way for them to land planes that had already crashed. In the end, almost none of the plot points that were so interesting had any payoff in the final story and could have been wholly excised, from Jon being Aegon Targaryen, to Arya learning how to be a Faceless Assassin, Daenerys’s fertility or Cersei’s pregnancy, but what’s done is done. Like Dexter, we got four incredible seasons of television, and a few great episodes after that, but now my watch has ended.

It’s been a privilege hopping on these recaps with you all, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts about the finale for good or ill.

[ana-annotated]

128 THINGS I LOVED ABOUT CROOKED KINGDOM (WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!!!) Part 1

1. It has WYLAN’S POV

2. Jesper is one of his biggest reasons for committing to being a member of the Dregs and he knows it

3. Kaz breaks into the house of a wealthy and probably dangerous lawyer in the middle of the night but first things first, he’s gotta give the guard dogs belly rubs before robbing their owner.

4. Nina is still facing the consequences of ingesting parem and yet here she is undercover, charming this lawyer out of his whistle.

5. Wylan’s dark side just gets darker

6. Kaz having a rare soft moment and telling Wylan where his mother is buried cause he knows what it’s like to lose someone suddenly and not get to say goodbye

7. Matthias trying to understand Kaz’s sleight of hand and still failing to see how he does it

8. Matthias wishing Wylan or Kuwei would wear a hat so he could tell them apart

9. Wylan blushing at Jesper’s touch

10. Wylan Van Sunshine

11. Leave my grandmother out of this

12. Jesper’s dad is so innocent and precious and must be protected at all costs

13. Are you all students? Of a sort

14. Matthias has a little sister

15. Matthias comforting Alys cause she reminds him of his mother when she was pregnant

16. Nina whining over Matthias sacrificing her biscuits to keep Alys quiet

17. Matthias jealous of Jesper making Nina smile

18. Inej laughing in Van Eck’s face for thinking he outwitted Kaz

19. Nina expecting Matthias to rub her feet from now on whenever she wants him to

20. Matthias longing for a domestic life with Nina

21. Nina longing for the comfort of family relationships like the one Jesper has with his father

22. Jesper as a kid

23. Jesper’s mom was the sweetest most badass person ever and taught him everything he knows at such a young age

24. The WYLAN’S MOM CURVEBALL WHO THE HECK DOES THAT TO A PERSON MY POOR BABY HOW DARE JAN DO THAT TO HIM AND HER?!

25. Wylan’s motivation to get revenge

26. Kaz giving Wylan a pep talk about strength when facing a weakness

27. Matthias’s relationship with his wolf

28. Matthias pretending to be a happy go lucky Fjerdan

29. Nina having to explain every single dirty joke to him and convince him they’re not insults

30. Nina and Matthias’s first kiss being straight out of a Disney movie 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

31. Everyone points guns at each other in Ketterdam it’s basically a handshake

32. Matthias going into full military general mode and leads a two-man Grisha army in a victorious mini war against the Dime Lions

33. Kaz literally CRASHING Van Eck’s dinner party

34. Dunyasha: “I am Dunyasha, a white human blade, a ruthless assassin princess, and my sole purpose is destroying you. Prepare to feel my ninja stars.”

Inej: “New phone who dis?”

35. Colm Fahey adopting his teen gang member son’s five gang member friends

36. Nina finally getting her waffles

37. Only to realize Matthias Helvar is possible better than waffles (just barely, but still)

38. Matthias believing waffles is Nina’s one true love instead of him

39. What’s new? Nm, Nina can raise the dead to do her bidding, Inej plummeted 20 stories and nearly died at the ninja stars of some assassin chick with a huge ego, and there’s a huge gaping hole in Jan Van Eck’s dining room ceiling. Hbu? Who wants waffles?

40. They’re all crazy but Wylan realizes there’s nobody he’d rather have by his side cause the Dregs are HIS CREW

41. Kaz Ankle Breaker Brekker sliding past a pair of Van Eck’s guards and knocking them off their feet at once with his cane

42. The Crows trying to outdo each other with the highest rewards offered for their execution or capture.

43. Kaz winning that contest in a landslide

44. Nina flipping off their Wanted posters

45. Nina changing out of her Fjerdan costume with Matthias’s “help.”

46. Jesper and Kuwei’s haunting the Dime Lions

47. Little Inej stopping hearts and scaring her family to death on the high wire but wanting to keep going back on no matter what

48. Inej only falling when a net is underneath her

49. Wylan’s first impression of Jesper

50. Jesper’s flair for neon fashion

51. “Mother, father pay the rent! I can’t my dear the money’s spent!”

52. “On a dare I ate a literal trough full of waffles doused in apple syrup and almost went back for seconds.”

53. Kaz treating Jesper like a brother, even yelling at him and calling him Jordie because he’s so protective of Jesper and wants to keep him from making a mistake too big because of his gambling addiction. Seeing Jesper get carried away with his best worries him and he just wants him to be smart and not make the same costly mistakes Jordie did.

54. Kaz and Jesper arguing like brothers and then proceeding to fight like brothers while Inej, Nina, and Matthias sit around bored, waiting for them to snap out of it cause they’re definitely not going to kill each other with their bare hands, and there are bigger things to worry about.

55. Jesper’s dad breaking up the fight with a single threat

56. Jesper Llewelyn Fahey

57. I KISSED THE WRONG BOY

58. Inej and Jesper’s friendship

59. Matthias being very okay with PDA with Nina

60. Colm’s presence making the Dregs feel like kids worn out from a rowdy birthday party

61. Kuwei being a straight up savage and lying about his language barrier

62. KANEJ WOUND BANDAGING SCENE DESTROYED ME EVERYTHING ABOUT IT I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS NOR DID I EXPECT HIM TO EVEN GET HALF AS CLOSE TO HER AS HE DID

63. Kaz trying so so hard to push away all memories of his trauma to be in the moment and touch Inej and just show her how much she means to him

64. She followed him anyway

65. Kaz reclaiming his rightfully EARNED Dregs throne

66. Inej watching him kick out Haskell and kick traitor Dregs ass with pride

67. “I suggest a cane”

68. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Same thing that’s always wrong with him, he’s Kaz Brekker.”

66. Nina constantly trying to get Kaz to warm up a little, whether by joining a group hug or letting someone help bandage him up post-fight for his life

67. Colm willing to do anything to help the gang without question

68. Wylan’s cute anger at Jesper for mistaking Kuwei for him (let’s be real tho he was pretty mad at himself too for not being more upfront with his feelings since he had no Tailor to fix him)

69. Wylan getting mad at Nina for failing to mention she found a refugee Tailor that could change him back

70. Colm feeding into Nina’s waffle/food in general addiction

71. The politics in the story are so intricate and it just continues to be built upon in Crooked Kingdom. It’s detailed enough that honestly, Leigh could probably write a whole Grishaverse history textbook. It’s pretty interesting to read from everything we get from the Dregs discussing their home nations, their histories, traditions, and relations with other countries. Leigh put in so much effort to build not just an authentic country in Kerch, but an entire alternate world. Really fun to read about.

72. Wylan’s offense for Jesper not being able to tell him and Kuwei apart in that moment

73. Jesper stealing a portrait Wylan’s mother painted of him to help them reconnect once Wylan’s features are returned

74. “I told you, I like your stupid face.”

75. Jesper helping Genya tailor Wylan’s “stupid” face because he remembers it quite well

76. Jesper nearly losing it when he returns to find the boy he had fallen for at first sight has returned to his original appearance

77. JESPER KISSING THE RIGHT BOY

78. “I really hope we don’t die”

79. Colm giving an award worthy performance in front of Van Eck to rope him and the Council into falling for Kuwei’s fake indenture auction

80. Nina’s underlining threat to Van Eck for messing with Kaz, only a fool would try to scheme against Brekker

81. Colm telling Wylan that he’d be good for Jesper ☺️

82. Wylan taking an actual beating from other Dregs to make Jan Van Eck believe the Dime Lions were going to kill his son for him

83. Wylan’s on point acting making everybody in the chapel believe his father was a conniving scumbag all along

84. THE FACT THAT JESPER CAN ACTUALLY USE HIS POWERS TO AIM HIS BULLETS

85. Kaz lying like nobody’s business to the Merchant Council and everyone bidding on Kuwei to throw Van Eck under the bus

86. Kaz freaking BLOWING UP THE MENAGERIE IF THAT’S NOT A DECLARATION OF HIS LOVE TO INEJ IDK WHAT IS

87. Kaz and Inej hand holding

88. Nina pretending to be pregnant

89. Matthias believing Kaz could fake a birth

90. Genya teaming up with Kaz and Nina to fake Kuwei’s death

91. I haven’t even read the Shadow and Bone trilogy yet but I love King Nikolai and his alter ego and I can’t wait to read more of him in the series and in King of Scars!!!!!

[asiplaythem]

Devil May Cry: Series Retrospective- "DmC: Devil May Cry"

At long last, I sat down and played DmC: Devil May Cry. Well and truly, the dust has settled, the dead horse has been beaten into compost, and the reactionary rages and defenses have died down. And, for myself, I think my fanboy passion for the series has subsided.

A weak Special Edition, a pachinko machine and a bad MvC model later, I hold out no honest hope for the Devil May Cry franchise now. We’ll always have the Temen-ni-Gru Dante...but we’re not getting back together, lets face it.

So now, when I look at Ninja Theory’s protagonist, who I will still refer to as Donte, the fresh insult that he used to be is now replaced with a genuine, tryhard, grittiness that just seems cute in an “ah, bless” kind of way. He’s no longer the sour white whale that ate my favourite character and franchise, he’s just a little fish who flops around in a harmlessly funny way.

....before the massive flaws of the game come forth.

This review is based on the PS3 launch version and does its best to criticize it on its own merits/failings, not merely on fan insult or in comparison to the previous games. But it is after all called “Devil may Cry”, so its existence as part of a wider franchise isn’t ignored either.

Also, fair warning, this is going to be long as hell. Which is suitable, because it feels like hell sometimes...

Technical Qualities

The engine/optimization is dogshit.

Ninja Theory infamously rejected Capcom’s offer to translate their wunderengine, MT Framework, into English so that they could use it. Instead the team built DmC: Devil May Cry using Unreal Engine 3, which was already starting to look dated by 2010 when the game was announced. For perspective, Unreal Engine 4 was revealed to the public before DmC even came out. The likely reason Ninja Theory chose to stick with Unreal was because of a  developer kit popular with young game creators. Unreal 3 was a ubiquitous engine in the last gen of consoles, being the backbone of games like Bioshock: Infinite and the Batman: Arkham series. But you’ll be hard pressed to find any games using it that were as fast paced as the Devil May Cry series.

Off the top of my head, games that use Unreal 3 usually have collision and texture pop-in problems. This is less of an issue in first person or isometric games when player movement and camera angles/viewable space are restrained, but it’s disastrous for something like DmC with its wide angle camera, large open areas, dense enemy count and fast player movement.

On the very first mission, in no more than 2 minutes of having control, Donte got stuck in a wall as I tried to go through the level like a normal player. This was followed by hideous amount of texture pop-in, audio glitches that muted parts of the soundscape, a couple of attacks that didn’t connect with enemies when they should have, and loading times out the arse.

A nasty little secret I only found out from replaying it first hand was that many of the mini-cutscenes (like when Donte looks at the Hunter demon hop around buildings, or does a backflip as he collects his guns) are secretly loading screens, unskippable until the loading operation is completed. All of which are frustrating to have to sit through in such a fast paced game. The way they make such a deal out of the same, generic enemy spawning in by giving it a dramatic close-up every time feels patronizing on repeat fights. “OOOH look! It’s a flying thing again!”. Yeah, no game, these things are easy to kill and I know you’re covering up something with this. Nice try.

Without seeing the development build firsthand, I can’t say for certain why it ran so badly. The release of the Definitive Edition for PS4/XBONE implies that it was a hardware limitation...but....like....that’s what optimization is for; making games run well on older hardware. More on this later, but design choices in level layouts, for instance, can remedy this. You can, for instance, segment levels in a way that stops you from seeing large areas at a single moment, reducing how much the consoles needs to render and thus cutting down load times.

Instead, what we largely got were huge foggy rooms and camera lens flares there to hide unloaded textures. The problem then is that it just, in my opinion at least, doesn’t look very good. Think of how Silent Hill 2 and 3 manage to still look so good due to how they segment rooms with doors you can’t see beyond. Or how the use of fog doesn’t cover up anything that you’re supposed to be looking at. And how they manage to have shorter loading times for it, a whole generation of consoles in the past.

Another trick is to “hard bake” lighting effects into the level’s textures themselves, rather than relying on extra shader operations. It’s more taxing on hardware to emulate, say, the actual light physics of a red spotlight instead of just making the textures of the walls and floor red, using trickery to make it seem like there’s a functioning red light there. Open world games generally don’t have this option, but with Devil May Cry, which is a linear series with rarely changing environments, you can use trickery like this effectively. Instead, DmC has more shaders -many of which look terrible in cutscenes- than it can handle.

Ninja Theory did a bad job of optimizing their game for their primary hardware. Even with the update there were visual problems, audio glitches and collision bugs throughout the entire game. It’s far from unplayable, but it’s ropey for a AAA game.

Level Design

Before I get into the artistic choices, I want to take a moment to look at the more technical, grounded aspects of how Ninja Theory designed levels.

Most of the previous Devil May Cry games are economic with their level design, reusing areas multiple times over with remixed enemy layouts and the occasional change in lighting, music and even textures. This cuts down on development time, saves disc space, and allows the designers to really put care into each individual location. Resident Evil, the Souls games, and Deus Ex: Human Revolution are other good examples.

DmC had potential for this with its “living city” concept. The best use of this concept is with Mission 2: Home Truths, where Donte visits his and Vurgil’s gigantic childhood home. As you backtrack into familiar hallways and foyers, the corruption of Mundus’ influence causes walls to crack open, pathways to change shape and different enemies to spawn. It’s a great (re)use of assets that trip up your expectations as a player the first time around. It also uses some Metroidvania style locked doors and obstacles which you need certain abilities/weapons to traverse. The unfortunate limitation of that is that you can literally fly through some levels and skip entire sections of the game upon a replay; Mission 3 requires you to unlock the Air Dash move in order to clear a gap that appears early on, but you’ll already have it on a replay, turning a 20~ minute level into a 3~ minute one.

Sequence breaking like this doesn’t happen in any huge way though, due to how each level is an entirely separate area of its own. Likewise, most of these ability/weapon barriers lead to optional bonus areas that are slightly off the beaten path.

Linear level design isn’t inherently bad, but in this case I think it was a huge missed opportunity. Not only is there a parallel real world vs Limbo premise that has Donte shift from a greyscale, mundane city into a colourful, chaotic image of itself, that Limbo dimension has the ability to change in real time. If the level designers allowed players to shift from dimension to dimension in-game, a la Soul Reaver, or if they had just played up the “living city” concept in a more interactive way, the city would have been much more interesting and, ironically, feel much more alive than it does. Instead we got a linear, albeit pretty, collection of corridors with very little off the beaten path. DmC incentivizes exploration by hiding collectables, but “exploration” ultimately means turning left where you should turn right to find a Lost Soul behind a bin.

One place where they ALMOST got it right is the first Slurm Virility factory level. After a cutscene showing a mixing room, Donte and Kat break from the tour, slowly jog down some empty, boring hallways in to an equally empty and boring warehouse. Dante can’t attack or jump in this section, and there is absolutely nothing to interact with. It’s an unfortunately uninteresting forced walking section, only one small step above being an unskippable cutscene. Kat then sprays her squirrel jizz magic circle on the ground, Donte enters the Limbo version of the level, the room expands and the crates become platforms, and the level really begins from there. For reasons I never understood, Donte then has to take a huge route up sets of boxes and across dozens of different rooms to circle back on the way he came in. On the way back, he backtracks down the Limbo version of the boring hallways of before, except now they’re slightly less boring, with a few enemies to fight and moving walls and floors. Then you get to the mixing room (which is only shown in a cutscene) for a brawl, before moving on.

The reason this didn’t work as well as it could have are twofold. 1: You only see the real world version of a tiny portion of the level, and 2: said portion is boring as fuck and you don’t interact with it in any meaningful way. But hey, at least the idea was there.

Moments where the living city concept is pushed to the side for more one-off but more effectively done ideas can be found in the upside-down prison, the short prelude to the Bob Barbas fight and Lilith’s rave.

The upside-down prison starts off fairly strong, tapping into one of those childhood ideas we all idly wondered about; what if gravity suddenly shifted? The level starts off strong and has moments throughout that give a trippy sense of vertigo. Mostly this is with car and train bridges, but unfortunately loses the point as it progresses. Because the prison isn’t just upside-down, but is also in Limbo, gravity is already unreliable and the bottomless pit below the floor already looks like the sky. Similarly with the lead up to the boss fight with Poison that has you run “down” a vertical pipe, it all looks floaty and weird by default, making further attempts to be floaty and weird just seem...normal. Likewise, the prison is mostly comprised of bland, urban and industrial textures, completely interchangeable with any old warehouse. You quickly forget that you’re upside-down at all.

The setting also well outstays it’s welcome, taking up 4 entire levels to itself with not enough ideas to justify it. There’s even one moment where, after meeting Fineas, you’re told you need to follow a flock of harpies to find their lair....even though their lair is a completely linear set of halls...That says it all really; there was a fun idea in here, but it was executed without the same creativity.

Following that is the tragically short Bob Barbas prelude. THIS is one of the single most interesting concepts in level design I have ever seen. Seriously. I cannot think of any other game that took news graphics and idents and turned them into platforming sections. Even moments during the fight where Donte is dropped into news chopper footage manage to do something brilliantly original, stylish and funny. But as quickly as it came, it’s gone before you know it. It’s a fucking crime that the previous 4 levels didn’t use the same concept to break up the monotony of their urban corridors. They could have had Donte teleport around chunks of the level using the various TV screens with Bob Barbas propaganda on them, hopping across idents until he got to the other side. Shame.

Next up, almost in a moment of clarity from the designers when they realized that could do digital environments and cheesy tv show graphics in their game more than once, we have Lilith’s nightclub. Again, much more interesting than the living city stuff, albeit a bit harsh on the eyes with its lighting effects. There’s not much to say about it beyond “it looks cool”, but it’s worth mentioning that it feels much more focused and fully utilized than the upside-down prison. All in all. the level design in DmC is at odds with itself, marked by its lost potential. The concepts are interesting, but the execution is almost always lackluster, favouring hand-holdy linear hallways with “cinematic” qualities over more interactive, open spaces with a sense of place. For a game that, pre-release, seemed to want to show us a more fleshed out world than previous games, it winds up as little more than a flat backdrop.

But oh well, DMC is all about the action happening center stage, right?

Combat

Combat in DmC is a mix bag.

The number of different attacks available and Donte’s versatility at chaining moves across 5 different weapons is pretty great. I’m a fan of how you can swap special pause combos across your alternate weapons; two quick hits with Rebellion, a pause, then a final triple smash with Arbiter takes a little extra skill to pull off but rewards you with a faster combo than if you just used Arbiter alone. Likewise, little tweaks like how fast Drive can charge now and how it does actual damage unlike Quick Drive in DMC4, or how you can hold Million Stab for longer, are all mostly fun changes. I tend to have a lot of fun with Osiris and find it to be the most versatile weapon for pulling off different combos. Its ability to charge up the more hits it delivers is a good incentive to hook in as many enemies as possible too, even if it means its uncharged state doesn’t do enough damage. Aquila is a fun supplementary weapon, mostly good for distracting one enemy with the circle attack and pulling the rest into range for Osiris. Eryx, however, is rubbish. Its incredibly short range, long charge times and weak damage output really throw it onto the trash pile when Arbiter is right beside it. Also, personal taste, but it just looks stupid. It’s like a slimy set of Hulk Hands. And they don’t even yell “HULK SMASH” when you attack. Previous DMC gauntlets all include a gap-closing dive attack to put you in enemy range, but the Demon Grapple doesn’t work the large enemies you’ll want to use it against. More on that in a bit.

Guns are mostly pointless. Donte can move laterally so much easier than before that long range combat is redundant. Charge shots with Ebony & Ivory are like Eryx in that they take too long to charge and don’t do enough damage to be worth the wait. Also, because you need to be in a neutral, non-demon non-angel, state to fire them, charging them up while you wail on someone only works if you limit yourself to Rebellion. Switching to Demon or Angel weapons resets the charge and limits you to a grapple move.

Which leads to another problem; 4 of your 5 weapons disable the use of guns. I mean, you’re not missing out on much by the end anyway because the guns are boring and ineffectual to use against all but one enemy (the Harpy), but it feels like a mistake. They literally give you guns in cutscenes as an afterthought. Like when Vurgil goes “oh yeah, have this, it’ll kill the next few enemies really quickly then sit in your back pocket for all eternity thereafter”. Donte never feels like he’s earning these guns like he earns the melee weapons, and they never seem to be worth a damn in gameplay.

The grapples are more useful but, again, having two different types feels redundant in combat. Large enemies can’t be pulled towards you, so why not do what DMC4 did and have one grapple that does both jobs; pull small enemies towards you, pull yourself towards larger enemies? The end result in either scenario is to get in melee range, so it shouldn’t make that much of a difference. Considering Aquila has a special attack to pull enemies in, why not offload those moves to the other weapons too? If you want to keep both pull-in and pull-towards moves in combat, why not give, say, Eryx a special pull-in attack so you can swap back to guns easier?

In short; while the combat is versatile and very satisfying to pull off combos with, large parts of it feel badly thought out. The moves and weapons that end up being useless most of the time have enemies spawn after you unlock them, just as an excuse to show how they work.

The infamous “demon attacks for red enemies, angel attacks for blue enemies” gimmick actually wasn’t as bad as I expected. Until I had to fight a Blood Rage and a Ghost Rage at the same fucking time. I don’t think I need to get into it due to how many other people have complained, but it was just fucking infuriating to say the least.

Okay, so.....Devil May Cry 3 did it better. Most people don’t seem to know this, but DMC3 gave you damage bonuses if you used the right weapon against the right enemies, signified by a subtle particle effect. Nowhere in the enemy or weapon descriptions does it explain this, but if you use your head (or just experiment) you can generally figure it out. Beowulf is a light weapon, Doppelganger is a shadow monster, using light on it does extra elemental damage signified by a flash effect with each hit. Cerberus is an ice weapon, Abysses are liquidy enemies, so using ice on it freezes them, signified by an icicle effect. etc But most importantly; it never STOPS you from using the “wrong” weapon against enemies. I don’t think I need to go into how annoying it is when your combat flow is interrupted by your angel weapon PINGing off a red enemy, but god damn it.

Credit where credit is due; Ninja Theory did emphasize the right part of DMC’s combat when they opted to focus on combos over balance. Both 3 and 4 had broken combos and attacks that skilled players could easily pull off, but they would make combat boring and the games all emphasized an honour system to prevent abuse. If you were good enough to use Pandora to break enemy shields in 4, you were good enough to not abuse it.

Then again, a games combat is only as good as its enemies.

Enemies/Bosses

So it’s a real shame then that enemies and bosses don’t push you hard enough.

The AI is atrocious. NO hack n’ slash should have two hardcore enemies accidentally kill each other without you noticing. The mixing room in the Slurm levels pits you against two Tyrants/the big fat dudes who charge at you. There’s an easy-to-avoid pitfall in the middle of this room. Once, on hard mode no less, they spawned in as usual and one accidentally nudged the other into the pit, insta-killing him while I literally stood still and watched...

Most regular man-sized enemies (Stygians, Death Knights, and their variations) have a common problem of just not attacking first, opting to side step around you forever until you run at them. Luckily there usually is one aggressive enemy mixed in there, like the flying guys with guns or the screamy-chainsaw men, so you’ll be forced to dodge into their range, but it’s embarrassing when they’re isolated. You’re left standing there, charging a finishing attack with Eryx like you have your dick in your hand, and these things are just strafing around you, doing nothing. So you miss with Eryx, step forward, and anti-climatically twat them about with Rebellion just to get it over with.

At first I thought this combat shyness was a design choice, but then it happened with the final boss, revealing it to be a pathfinding bug. But more on that later...

So yes, the red/blue enemy gimmick is bullshit and breaks the flow of a room-sweeping combo you have going, but it actually works really well with the Witch enemy who hangs back, projecting shields onto other enemies while she snipes at you from a distance. She’s annoying to hunt down when you’re dealing with 10 other enemies, so you have to prioritize whether you want to plough through them first or clumsily chase her down first. It’s a nice dynamic to fights, adding that extra layer of strategy to mix things up in a less punishing way.

The main difference with the Witch and the other colour coded enemies is that the Witch gives you options. Blood/Ghost Rages do not, and make fights involving them feel like complete chores. You’ll find the one tactic that works, then rely on it every time.

No, the most egregious enemies were the bosses.

All of them, every single one, was terrible. Not including the Dream Runner mini-bosses, there was a total of 6, less than any of the other DMCs, which makes how sloppily designed they were all the more horrendous. Every single boss is formulaic, partitioned out into “segments” cut up by mini cutscenes that have Donte do something sassy when he works them down enough. But each of those segments tend to have Donte repeat the same, boring, tired tactic until the fight is over. Bob Barbas is the worst example; jump over his beams, use that one Eryx attack to slam into the nonsensical floor buttons, wail on him for a third of his health bar, kill 10 minor enemies in his news world, repeat two more times.

No matter what difficulty you’re on, these bosses never manage to be a challenge due to how placid they are. They will always accommodate their little “formula” you need to solve to beat them.

It’s baffling, because the previously mentioned Dream Runner mini-bosses are great. They’re aggressive, reactive, open to almost any combo you can outwit them with, and don’t force you to repeat the same set of steps in every encounter.

Vurgil on the other hand....

So, here we are, the grand finale. The ultimate evil has revealed itself, and it’s your own brother! You’re clearly a badass because you just took down Satan himself along with his army, so surely the only thing left that could challenge you is your more experienced twin.

Well, he would, if his AI didn’t start the show by consistently suffering from that same pathfinding bug that makes minor enemies interminably strafe around you. So far so good for my first playthrough. So I attack him, maybe hit him 5 times before a min-cutscene rears its head because I’ve suddenly made it into the next stage. Same thing happens once or twice. Then, somehow, Vurgil’s model freezes in the air during one of his attacks. He hangs there indefinitely until I attack him again. Then, at the end of the fight where he’s summoned a clone (because he can do that apparently, not that he’s ever so much as referenced the fact) so his real self can take a knee and heal, I’m supposed to use Devil Trigger to move him out of the way and finish the job (though, I don’t understand why the real Vurgil isn’t also thrown into the air). I do so, but the clone lingers on the ground for a moment, trying to attack me before just zipping into the sky; another bug. I attack the real Vurgil, but nothing happens at first. I keep wailing on him, hoping that one of my attacks will eventually collide and then, -Scene Missing-, the final cutscene of the battle plays.

Do I need to say any more? Do you see what a fucking mess the boss fights are? The final battle for humanity, the emotional crux of the story, the update to the final unsurpassed boss fight of DMC3, reduced to a buggy, embarrassing slap fight that gave me four glitches on my first playthrough.

The whole thing bungled the climax of its story. But, then again, was the story really that sacred to begin with....

Concept and Story

I promise I will not use the word “edgy” here.

Satire and social commentary, no matter how cartoonish, is a weird fit in a Devil May Cry game. DMC2 had an evil businessman too, and 4 ended with you punching the Pope in the face, but neither seemed to say anything substantial against capitalism or religion. They existed in a much more fantastical place, where any sort of commentary was aimed at a more philosophical target. “What makes us human? What makes us into demons? What is hell like? Is family more important than what you feel is right?” The previous games are all centered around a much more personal, individualistic identity crisis, and not any sort of populist, society-wide problems.

DmC brings up surveillance states, the most recent economic crisis and late-capitalism, soft drink addiction/declining nutrition, news manipulation, the prison industrial complex, conspiracy culture, populous revolt, some scant mentions of mental institutions, hacktivism, and the Occupy Movement. These topics, all of which are pretty damn serious and warrant long discussions, are simply decoration for a story about fantasy demons secretly running the world They Live style. Hell, it basically IS They Live, only the aliens are demons and the tools of control are more contemporary. (somehow there’s nothing about the internet in there though...)

All in all, its treatment of modern issues is childishly simple at best and cynical at worst. Sure, the game presents itself as defying capitalism and social engineering via advertising, but it then goes on to launch an ad and hype campaign bigger than any of the previous games, spanning across billboards, phone apps, social media promotion, the usual games media rounds and expensive pre-rendered television commercials. Hell, they even had an ad for their ad! All of this amid a gigantic fan backlash and in-fighting with games journalists on whether people were mad about Donte’s hair colour of if they were just outrightly entitled.

The fact that lead designer and writer Tameem Antoniades responded to this backlash and feedback by tweeking Donte’s design and adding in a random moment were a wig literally drops out of the sky onto Donte’s head for a jab at this “controversy” says something about the intent he had with his story; There is no real political statement behind DmC, it simply pulls from what was in the news at the time, and uses it as fodder for an otherwise archetypal plot.

The problem is that it tries to do this while also talking about hellish demons, heavenly angels and earthly humans. Well, mostly demons, because the angels are absent from the plot and Donte doesn’t seem to have any sort of Angel Trigger, and the only named human character is Kat, who doesn’t have much ploy within the story; she’s there to be rescued, and provide minimal help with a pat on the back from Donte. So demons rule the world, the angels are absent, and the people who suffer are us lowly humans. But it’s a half-demon, half-angel who “saves” us all/reduces the city to rubble, while all us humans can do is post about it on Twitter. Doesn’t sound very empowering to me.

The main villain should say it all. He’s some sort of businessman/oligarch/banker/economist/military commander/mayor/Satan, but he makes the undeniable point that he gave human civilization it’s structure. He has a wife he at least somewhat cares about, and a child he has high hopes for. He (and his wife) shows more emotion than any of our protagonists, and they have more at stake than anyone else, with a genuine vision for the future no less. So, when he very reasonably asks Donte what his goal is, all Donte can say is “freedom” and “revenge”, then continue to childishly taunt him when pressed further. I could go on about how unhealthy the obsession with the post-apocalypse our generation has is, but suffice to say; Donte is not someone to look up to.

Donte himself, and by extent his story, has no real ideological motivation behind him despite being dressed up as an anarchist. His motivations and arch as a character are no less two dimensional than the original Dante, but now manage to be over-stated and hamfisted, with an added veneer of “politics”. Vurgil points how much he’s supposedly changed right before the final boss fight, but how he changes doesn’t include a strong statement of intent. What does Donte want? Fucked if I know! Fucked if he knows.

All of this says nothing about how...well....plain bad the writing is. The dialogue is famously cringeworthy and the plot has more holes than a sponge.

If Mundus was hunting Donte to kill him this whole time, why can’t he find him despite having multiple cameras aimed directly at this house? Why didn’t he just kill him when Donte was in the orphanage run by “demon scum”? Where was Vurgil this whole time? Why does Kat need to hit the Hunter with a molotov? Actually, what the fuck is she doing in the real world while this is happening? Are people just ignoring this pixie girl throwing bottles around a pier? What’s that weird dimension Donte goes into to unlock new powers? If it’s his own head, why are Mundus’ demons in it? And why would it change his weapons? Why doesn’t he have an Angel Trigger? If Vurgil can do all that cool shit he does in his boss fight at the end, including opening a fucking portal to another dimension, why does he need to rely on Kat to hop dimensions earlier on? Or rely on anyone for that matter? Why does he have white hair when he’s born, but Donte has black hair until the end? If Mundus is immortal, why does he need an heir? Why does time randomly slow down after Vurgil shoots Lilith? How did Kat know the layout of so many floors in Mundus’ tower? Surely he didn’t give her a tour of the whole building, right? Did Donte and Vurgil fuck the entire planet by releasing demons into earth and destroying world economics and governments? Or are there pre-existing governments anyway?

Seriously, I could go on forever.

Beyond basic plot, logic and diegetic continuity (the rules of DmC’s world, and how it suspends your disbelief), you get into more subjective questions like “is Donte a likable character?”

I, perhaps surprisingly, think he is. He’s such a tryhard asshole for the majority of his game, never stopping to think about what he’s doing or to engage with the They Live world he lives in that he is, honestly, a bit adorable. He’s not someone I’d ever have the patience to hang out with in real life, but he is at least consistent. He’s a total lughead and he almost blows up the planet, but it makes sense that a nihilistic, “act first, think later” bro would do that.

And I think that sums up his story too; dumber than it thinks, but entertaining all the same. It’s a different kind of dumb than the original games, a kind of dumb that stares at the camera wall-eyed instead of with a sideways wink.

Conclusion

As of writing, I consider Devil May Cry to be dead as a series. With no solid news from Capcom on further projects for 7 years now, DmC: Devil may Cry is the swansong of the entire franchise. Well, beyond shitty cameo costumes in Dead Rising 4, or pachinko machines or whatever.

Likewise, more recent hack n slash series like Bayonetta, Metal Gear Rising and Nier: Automata have risen to challenge Devil May Cry for its crown, and without something better than Ninja Theory’s efforts to stop them, they’ll probably get it.

DmC is not a complete trainwreck. It’s enjoyable, worth the second hand price and 10+ hours of your time. It’s entertaining in a similar way a bad film is; so long as you don’t expect too much from it, you’ll have a laugh. Let go of your bitterness with Ninja Theory and Tameem and you’ll poke fun at it in a less mean-spirited way then your fan rage wants you to. DMC deserved to end on a better note than this, but.....honestly....fuck it. Capcom probably couldn’t make anything much better themselves these days anyway.

Treat DmC like a pug; malformed and lumpy, probably should have been neutered a generation ago, but funny to look at and play with, even though it’s covered in its own slobber.

[rawbiredbest]

Winter Dawn

Hello, and welcome to the second installment of Amrita Memories, a collection of crossover vignettes between the Yakuza (Ryu ga Gotoku) series and the game Nioh, re-imagining your favorite professional criminals as 17th Century samurai, ninjas, and mages, with a dash of demonic invasion and protective spirits.

IN THIS EPISODE: Majima has long since turned over a new leaf, but old legends reemerging may convince him to walk dark paths once more.

WARNING: contains graphic, canon-typical depictions of violence.

Here is a link to the first chapter. It isn’t necessary to read to understand this portion.

Read here or on AO3!

- - -

Destruction is easy. Rebuilding is not.

“Boss, we’re out of tiles.”

Majima Goro sighs, cracking open his eye. From the bottom floor, nothing stops him from looking up into the blue. The townhouse is unfinished, and will continue to be as long as work isn’t flowing. Nishida, the dam in the stream, leans over the hole where a ceiling will be and calls down to him again. “Boss?”

Disgusting. As foreman of the project, Majima had the most important role. Crews of craftsmen didn’t govern themselves. Let he who is without stress rebuke him for napping. The tatami mats had to be tested for optimal comfort, in any case.

Goro sits up, scowling as vertebrae pop. “Then go get some from the masons,” he groans, “Initiative. A little goes a long way.”

Nishida disappears and Majima lies back down. The village won’t be complete for weeks yet. There is rice to plant and streets to lay, wells to dig and shrines to bless. When all is said and done, it will be a nice place to live. Future residents will be proud to call it home. Maji-machi, he’ll name it.

“Boss.”

It’s Minami. The apprentice is young and has yet to see every hammer out of left field the world will throw at him, but the awe in his voice surpasses simple surprise. Saws stop grinding. Tools freeze in midair. Majima rises again to find progress at a dead halt. Time has suffocated under a stunned silence.

A legend has walked into town.

William Adams is the culmination of all dusty roads less traveled, from the chips in his axe’s blade to the tattered sash around his waist. Each soft footstep carries years of adventure. The Irish samurai pays no heed to the shroud of quiet hanging over the unmade village. It’s only a path to his next destination.

Goro stands up. “Excuse me, good sir,” he says, sauntering into the road, “There is a toll to travel any farther. You’ll have to pay up.”

William looks him over and decides the war has treated him well. Losing an eye is an adequate trade for a slim yet muscular build and leadership of competent men. Not an ounce of fear on his face, though Adams stands taller and wears plate capable of stopping cannon rounds and the foreman is clad in only a mustard seed yellow yukata. He drops a pouch of silver pieces into his hand. “Let me pass.”

Majima weighs the bag and his options. “Though this is very generous of you, sir,” he says, “My crew have families to feed. Surely a warrior of your caliber has more to offer.”

Blue eyes make a quick circuit of the town. He’s surrounded, he realizes. Dozens of craftsmen are watching the encounter. Many of them carry what could easily become makeshift weapons. The average age marks them all as veterans; their hands and faces rough with combat, not toil.

More silver appears. A bigger bag this time. “I’m leaving,” William growls, “Whatever game you’re playing ends here.”

He feels for the town, he truly does. They line every road from Tohoku to Tokai. Residents nurture hope out of bloodstained soil and a bedrock of sorrow. Yet he can’t stay. War waits for no man. He must make it to Osaka.

Saoirse whispers in his ear. “Death comes for you.”

No sooner has she finished does something hard and metal whiz through the air his head had been.

William draws his axe, hunches low to brace himself, ready for a fight – and freezes with ice in his veins.

The spirit rising from Majima’s back bears a madwoman’s grin and a monster’s fangs, though the energy she radiates is positive and pure. It’s a mask, Adams realizes. Gripped in her hair are other masks, no two alike, from a tengu’s fierce frown to an old monk’s smile. Her fingernails are knives. The ends of the sash around her kimono are snake heads, and they live, flashing their pale throats and flicking their tongues. The spirit burns with a flame intense enough to rival the sun.

“Had to see if it was really you, Sir Anjin of Miura,” Majima chirps. The kusarigama weight twirls high over his head, its tooth-like sickle clutched in his other hand. “Now there’s a name gone unspoken. It’s been ten years, hasn’t it? Show me you’re more than a myth!”

William purses his lips and plants his feet. Goro grins and is upon him like a swarm of locusts.

Adams gives him credit. His axe has claimed hundreds of limbs, can cleave Majima in half with no effort, yet the foreman dances around its swings with reckless abandon. As he resigns himself to the weary, inevitable truth that Goro insists on death before surrender, William throws himself harder into the fray. Majima reaches into his yukata, flings a fan-shaped array of throwing stars. Adams darts out of their way, draws a short breath as the shuriken twinkle with sizzling fuses–

Their explosive payloads burst, spraying shards of shrapnel. William turns with the shock wave. Though his eyes are closed against the blasts, he knows if he rides the force, ignores the sting of the sickle blade nipping through his armor–

Majima squawks as he’s barreled over. The axe lifts high, swings down,–

–and crashes into the earth so close to his head he feels pebbles kiss his cheek. Adams cranes over him, blue eyes frigid.

“Oi,” Goro says when he can find his voice, “You missed.” One hand is pinned behind his back. Slowly, he inches toward his belt, and the little box hiding within.

“You’re a fool and a menace.” William extracts the axe and can’t help but feel a rush of victory as clumps of dirt fall from the blade onto the foreman’s face. He has seen legions of men perish, personally sent many to be judged in the afterlife. Not this man. Not today. Let him be a lesson to their audience, the crews who only want to move on. There is no future in violence.

Majima looks up into the blue and softly sighs. Something underneath him is glowing.

William spots it too late. The bomb threatens to tackle him clear off his feet. His soles leave furrows in the ground as he’s rocked backwards.

Majima stands unscathed, and his spirit looms behind him. She runs her arms along his own, becoming amorphous and sluicing onto his kusarigama. Weapon aflame with ethereal power, he howls with renewed vigor and leaps at William.

Underestimated, Adams thinks, and reaches his mind for Saoirse. She is never far away, and as she manifests – smiling calmly as Goro charges them both – she coats his axe in deep, cold water.

Blade and weight smash against one another time and time again. Crimson and purple sparks ignite with every impact. William is shocked to find he feels sick. No doubt Majima needs to die. He mourns the loss of the bond between man and spirit that pounds against his axe.

Majima is tiring. The flames evaporate to steam under the relentless assault. He gathers himself for one last attack, eye bright with rage, giving himself over to his spirit. William lifts his axe, oceanic droplets sailing into the light.

Split seconds away from final impact–

“That’s enough!”

Eggs. That’s what the things flying between them look like. Bluish gray eggs that hatch into clouds of blood red smoke as they break on the ground.

Coughing and wheezing, both men recoil away. Majima hasn’t felt more drained in his entire life. He searches his mind for his spirit and finds her as exhausted as he. Good, in a way. Pain equals life. His trachea closing as he inhaled the red smoke is the best news he’s received all day.

He licks his lips. Numb as well, and yet. Oddly familiar. He’s tasted it before. Hemlock and nightshade blended to incapacitate, not kill, in a powdered form…

The smoke clears. Behind it is a man dressed in black, his face obscured. There is no mistaking the spirit that follows him: a white, two-tailed cat.

The bottom of the world falls out from under Majima. “Masanari?”

Hanzo Hattori’s primary concern is William. The samurai wins wars and, more importantly, is his closest friend. Yet the sound of a name gone unspoken for decades drags his attention away from Adams. Pulling his face plate down, for surely he is hallucinating and needs more air – no way. Impossible. “Goro?”

William, aching and finished, groans, “You know each other?”

Nekomata chuckles, looking between Irishman and one-eyed warrior. “Anjin, don’t tell me you’ve forgotten what I’ve told you about cycles. When war springs from peace, it drags all manner of things from underground.”

- - -

The building will eventually become an inn, but for now acts as the work crews’ barracks. Majima secured the largest room for himself, and that is where the three men retire after wounds are dressed and drinks procured.

Majima’s spirit unnerves William. She kneels beside her host, hands folded in her lap. Her mask depicts a noblewoman, with blackened teeth and rosy cheeks. She is calm, yet Adams notes her throat twists behind her neck. Her head is turned completely around, the horns of her demon mask peeking through her hair. A two-faced spirit, regardless of her painted smile.

“Hey.” Majima tap-tap-taps his eye patch. “You’re supposed to look at this.”

William grunts and hides his embarrassment in his cup.

“I must admit, I don’t know how to feel,” Hanzo says, “It’s been over thirty years since I saw you last. I thought you were dead.”

Majima huffs a laugh. Withdrawing a pipe from his yukata grants William a glimpse of the tools strapped to his body. Scrolls, kunai, boxes and balls of explosives. “No, still alive and kicking,” he says, “For better or worse.”

“I’m rather lost here,” William interjects, “How do you know each other?” He looks at Goro. “How do you know me?”

The foreman grins, exhaling a cloud of smoke. “I’m in the business of keeping my ear to the ground. Been my best interest to do so. Ever since Nobunaga took my eye.”

Adams flinches, shooting Hanzo a worried glance. Majima cackles and slaps his knee. “You should see the look on your face! You’d think the Demon King lived again!”

“He did,” the samurai growls, “He returned from the dead through black magic.”

“You’re dumb as a sack of hammers. I know that. Ear. To. The. Ground. You sent him packin’. Kinda hate you for it too, that you got to kill him instead of me.”

“A long time ago,” Hanzo interrupts, “the Iga Province was its own republic. We were independent of any overlords, and the Iga ninjutsu school was born of the guerilla warfare employed to keep us that way. My father trained many in the style.”

William glares at Majima. “Let me guess.”

Goro deliberately shuts his eye in what can only be a wink. “Guilty as charged. Fourth generation Iga ninja, in the flesh.”

“And a right pain in the arse.”

“Ya flatter me, Anjin-chan!”

“So you were there,” Hanzo asks, “when Nobunaga attacked?”

Majima’s grin sours. Wind dashed from his sails, he takes a deep puff of his pipe while collecting his thoughts. “Yeah, I was. Tried to defend our home. Lost my family, my belongings, and my eye in return.”

Hanzo frowns, leaning forward. “We were little more than children.”

“No one was spared the fire. Men, women, infants – all were subject to Nobunaga’s wrath. I barely escaped with my life. What happened next was…complicated, to say the least.” He peers at his spirit. She returns his gaze. He blows a gray plume and continues, “That’s one thing the peace is good for. I’ve put all that behind me. Haven’t killed anyone in ten years, though if a blue-eyed dunderhead wanders into town–”

“I’m really not someone you want as an enemy,” William sneers.

The spirit puts a hand to her lips and laughs. It’s the sound of diamonds in a bonfire. Shivers travel down the samurai’s spine.

“Have a sense of humor, Anjin-chan,” Majima quips, “That was the best fight I’ve had in a long time. Ya ever wanna go again, just say the word.”

“I could’ve killed you.”

After a moment, the ninja blinks. “And?”

Adams gets to his feet. “I’m done here. The pleasure’s all yours.”

Goro waves him off. “I mean it about a rematch. Don’t make me ambush you, because you will not see it comin’.”

The sliding door slams shut. Majima quirks an eyebrow. “Ya sure do know how to pick ‘em.”

“He’s seen no end of conflict,” Hanzo says, “It weighs heavy on his mind, and you aren’t helping.”

“I’m testing if he’s still sharp. No point in carryin’ around an axe if he can’t use it.”

“We’ll see about that in Osaka. Toyotomi Hideyori has gathered an army in rebellion against Lord Tokugawa. I want you to come with us.”

The pipe freezes halfway to Goro’s incredulous lips. “Eh?”

“Osaka Castle has been fortified with a grand stronghold called Sanada Maru. It is said to be impregnable, with scores of archers and cannons defending the outer walls. A man of your skills will be an invaluable aid.”

Majima falls silent for a moment. When he speaks, his voice is low and solemn. “I can’t. I’m done working for anyone.” He flicks the ashes out of his pipe. “Besides, I have this town to rebuild. People are waiting on me, Masanari. I can’t bring back Iga, but I can give them a new future.”

Hanzo bows his head. “I respect your decision. Your endeavor is noble, and I have no right to conscript you away from it.” Getting up, he pauses at the door. “I never had the chance to say I admired you, Goro. Father’s training was merciless. Your companionship kept me sane.”

“Yeah, well. Look who’s cozy with the shogun and who’s digging latrines.”

Hanzo cracks a sad smile. “May the gods keep you well, old friend.”

Eight million gods and I haven’t seen a single one, Majima thinks. He nods once. “Gods keep ya well.”

Hattori departs. The remaining ninja refills his pipe, holds it out for his spirit to light. Their eyes meet as she cups the bowl. Returning her hands to her lap, she arches her spine backwards, mask tilted upward. Her flames blaze larger and hotter, licking the ceiling until someone on the roof beyond yelps in pain.

Minami swings in through the window. Clad in the black apparel of a shinobi, he immediately prostrates himself, forehead on the floor. “Boss! How’d you know I was there?”

Majima sighs, eye narrowed. “You can be a shadow at midnight, but if ya have footsteps, you’re not foolin’ anyone.”

The apprentice swallows hard. Only dire consequences can come from this. “And – Hattori?”

“Knew you were there before I did. He’s not the leader of what’s left of Iga for nothing.”

Minami presses his head down harder. “I confess, boss! I heard everything! That you survived the Demon King’s invasion, that you want to fight Sir Anjin again, that you’re not going to Osa–”

“You make me sick.”

The words are expected, though they sting no less. “Forgive me, boss.”

“I look at you and see myself.”

Minami’s face snaps up. “What?”

His apprentice is painfully predictable. Majima rolls his eye. “None of my good qualities, of course. I see a stupid kid who’d sooner kill himself with what he’s learned than use it in any real capacity.” He breathes deep of his pipe, letting Minami squirm. “Life has yet to come at you hard and fast. Now’s your chance to practice your skills or die tryin’.”

Despite the spirit’s presence, Minami is frozen. “You don’t mean–”

Majima turns his gaze to the sky, where the beginnings of sunset pink the horizon. “I’m going to Osaka.”

“But…you said–”

“Anjin-chan is smarter than you. I said I don’t work for anyone. I’m goin’ on my own terms, and one of them is you. Wanna get your hands dirty?”

Minami bangs his head on the floor. “Yes, sir! I won’t disappoint you, sir!”

Goro smirks. Years and years ago, he was a fearsome assassin, known in dark circles as the Flame in the Night. As he imagines holding Toyotomi’s severed head high above Osaka Castle, he feels the spark rekindled.

[fifteenstrawberries]

You have one piece fic I know you have one piece fic please post a one piece fic :D

I still don’t know why you like this one so much?

For those of you who are not my twin sister and beta reader, this is a scene from a One Piece/Castle crossover I wrote a couple years ago, basically imagining how the Water 7 arc from One Piece would happen if it was set in the Castle universe. 

Castle is a police procedural show where a wealthy and eccentric author and a hard-nosed by the book detective team up to solve murders. One Piece is crazy anime pirates getting into crazy shenanigans in a crazy world.

If you’d like to see something else, check out this post for the full list.

And without further ado, here’s the fic!

“Are you sure we shouldn’t be going after this guy without more backup? I mean, he is a pirate.”

“He’s not a pirate, Castle. He just has a pirate flag on his boat. Plenty of people do that without actually being pirates.”

“But what if that’s just what he wants you to think? Maybe he’s just waiting for us to get up there and as soon as we do, the rest of his pirate crew will come swinging over from the next building with cutlasses between their teeth— maybe we could hire some ninjas instead–”

“Castle, are you going to take this seriously?”

“I am taking this seriously!” Award winning author Richard Castle pouted at his partner, Detective Kate Beckett, as the two of them climbed the stairs to the hotel roof, “You’re the one who’s dismissing the very real possibility of a pirate attack.”

Detective Kate Beckett of the NYPD paused on the landing, sighing and rubbing at the tension headache that inevitably formed whenever Castle got stuck on one of his ridiculous theories. “Castle. For the last time. We are here to question suspects in the attempted murder of Thomaso Ghiaccio. Not to accuse them of piracy. That’s the coast guard’s jurisdiction, not ours.” She continued climbing, “I’m still not sure why we’re on this instead of Major Crimes.”

“The chief probably just wanted his best detective on it.”

“That’s what he told me, but I’m homicide. I don’t usually get cases where the victim is still breathing.” She grimaced, remembering their trip to hospital to get witness statements from Ghiaccio’s teary secretary and the rest of his shaken employees. She’d seen the doctor’s report. The guy was lucky to be alive.

“It makes a nice change. To be able to stop a killer before they’ve actually killed someone instead of hunting them down after the fact.” Castle offered.

“It does,” Beckett admitted, “But still, this case! A prominent Italian engineer gets gunned down in his apartment without any sign of a break in. His employees are split between accusing a rival ship-building company or their most recent disgruntled customers, and are ready to lynch both of them, just in case. The rival company apparently has mafia ties, the customers sailed into town a week ago flying a pirate flag—they’re not really pirates, Castle, don’t even start. It sounds like something you would write, honestly…” She stopped dead, looking at the man beside her—the wealthy, well-connected, best-selling author, who had installed himself in her precinct and her life in search of ‘inspiration’ without so much as a by-your-leave—with growing disbelief. “Castle. You didn’t.”

Castle at least had the grace to look guilty. “You said so yourself, it’s a really interesting case.”

“Castle. Tell me you did not use your influence with the chief to land us this case because you wanted to investigate pirates.”

“…”

“Castle?”

“Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.”

“… I hope your pirates make you walk the plank.”

“Hey—! Wait, do you think Alexis would avenge me? She takes fencing. And she’ll probably bully you into helping her track them down… I can see it now. ’Allo, my name is Alexis Castle, you killed my father, prepare to die. No Alexis, don’t give in to the dark side—!”

“Focus, Castle.” Beckett instructed, rounding the corner of the final flight of stairs. “The roof’s just ahead.”

“Sorry,” Castle dropped his arms, running a little to catch up with Beckett, “You really think they’ll be on the roof? And if they’re not, ooh! Could we start a man-hunt? Because the only thing that would make this case better than it already is would be a city-wide manhunt for the attacker.”

“The manager saw one of them headed up these stairs.” Beckett said, deciding to ignore the bit about a city-wide manhunt for the sake of her sanity, “It’s as good a bet as any. Though why the alarms wouldn’t sound—ah,” She frowned at the wires hanging loose in front of the door, yanked out of the roof alarm, “They’re lucky we’re not building inspectors.”

“Thank God. Can you imagine trying to write a book about building code violations instead of murders? ” Castle said, and opened the door.

The first thing Castle noticed about the teenager leaning against the air-conditioning unit opposite the door was his hair. How did he even get it that color? It was a bright, almost glow-in-the-dark green. Combined with three piercings in one ear, cargo pants, ratty white wife-beater, and sullen glower, he looked like every boy he’d ever warned Alexis about, distilled into the archetypical punk.

The first thing Beckett noticed about the teenager was the unsheathed katana in his left hand.

Her hand dropped to her holster, drawing her gun and clicking off the safety in one move, “NYPD, drop your weapon.”

The teen glanced at her, his gaze dropping to the badge on her belt before he grunted in acknowledgement. “Yes. Choto, I am almost done.”

Beckett stiffened, about to demand that he put away his sword now, not when it suited him, but the teen had swiped a piece of thin paper along the edge of the blade and sheathed it before she could do more than open her mouth. He shifted onto his knees slowly and placed the sword on his far right, just out of easy reach. Then he leaned back again, slouching against the air conditioning unit, and raised an eyebrow as if to say, happy?

Castle was impressed. He wasn’t sure if it was teenage insolence or straight up arrogance, but either way, it took major guts to bait Beckett when she had her game face on.

Beckett twitched, eyes narrowed, looking like she still had half a mind to arrest him on general principles. But she holstered her gun, the only concession to still-twitching nerves the hand she rested on the grip. “We’re looking for Lufisacio D. Monkey.” She said, “Do you know where he is?”

That earned them a sharp look that even pulling a weapon on him hadn’t gotten. But his gaze shifted somewhere behind them, to the billboard toward the front of the building, and he yelled, “Oi, Luffy!”

“Hã?” Another boy’s voice called out, somewhere above them.

“Satsu-yo.”

“Satsuyo?” Beckett asked under her breath, not really expecting an answer as she looked for the owner of the second voice.

“Japanese slang for the police,” Castle replied, just as soft. He was still watching the green-haired teen, eyes alight, “You know, I think this guy might actually be yakuza! Well, no maybe not, no tattoos and he still has all his fingers. On a more important note; why didn’t you tell me that our prime suspect’s name was Lufisacio?”

“Because I knew that you wouldn’t shut up about it if you knew and it was a long drive.” Beckett muttered, then called louder, “Sir, would you mind coming out please?”

Gravel exploded beside them. Another teenager—shorter than the first, wearing a red basketball jersey and cut-off jeans– landed in a crouch. He straightened, placing the straw hat hanging around his neck back on to wiry black hair.

Beckett noted bandaged limbs and wondered where he had gotten the scar beneath his left eye.

Castle noted the sixteen foot difference between the top of the billboard and the roof, and wondered if the young man made a habit of jumping from high places.

Lufisacio D. Monkey glanced between the two of them, “Zoro said you are a polícia?”

“Yes,” Beckett said, “I’m Detective Kate Beckett, this is my partner Richard Castle.”

The teen, somewhat surprisingly, brightened, “Richard Castelo? O autor?”

“If, by that you mean the famous, best-selling author that has been translated into dozens of languages around the world, then yes, that’s me.” Castle smirked a bit, holding out a hand.

“Que barato!” The teen grinned widely, seizing Castle’s hand and shaking it enthusiastically before turning back to his friend. “Zoro, mee-te!”

“Ah, ah, wakkatte.” The green-haired teen waved lazily, then linked both hands behind his head and closed his eyes.

Unperturbed by the lack of enthusiasm, he turned back to face Castle and Beckett with the same wide grin, “Nami and Robin read your stories all the time to us. They are very good!”

“Glad you enjoyed them,” Castle was matching him grin for grin by this point, “It’s always good to meet a fan.”

“You will sign our books?”

“Sure!”

“Unfortunately,” Beckett broke in, “I’m afraid neither of you will have time for that.” She was immune to Castle’s reaction at this point, but she wasn’t quite prepared when they both turned puppy eyes on her. She had to steel herself before continuing, “We just have a few questions for you, Mr. Monkey—”

“Vovô?” The teen interrupted, looking around in alarm.

His friend snorted, mumbling something that sounded vaguely like, “aho, teme-ga.”

Whatever it was, Luffy relaxed, turning back to them with a grin, “My name is Luffy. Mr. Monkey is my vovô, my grandpa. Entendes?”

“Luffy is a lot better than Lufisacio.” Castle said, with a sympathetic smile at the awful name.

“Sim.” Luffy made a face, and glanced at Beckett, “Detetive, you have questions?”

“Yes.” Beckett said, pulling up a picture on her phone. “Do you recognize this man?”

“Avô Tom. Yes, I know him.” Luffy nodded. “He looked at our ship when we brought it for repairs.”

The president of the entire company personally evaluates a ship for damages? There’s got to be something up with that. Beckett nodded, making a mental note, “And were you satisfied with his work?”

Something in Luffy’s face shut down. Aha, Beckett thought. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Castle lean forward.

“Sim … talvez.” Luffy stared down at his feet, “Não.”

“English please, Luffy.” Beckett said, a touch impatiently.

“He said Allons-y Allégrement could no longer sail.”

“Is that your ship?” Luffy nodded, “Did you have an argument?”

“Sim,” he shrugged, “I wanted Avô to fix her. We brought lots of dollars to show we could afford the repairs, but he said it did not matter how much money we had, it was impossible.”

“Why was that?”

“Allons-y Allégrement is a wood ship. Her quilha, her keel … he said it was broken.”

“Did you believe him?”

To Beckett’s surprise, that question made him rally, He lifted his head, looking her in the eye. “I do not know how to fix ships,” He told her, “Meu tripulação does not know how to fix ships. If Avô Tom and his friends say she cannot go on, I must trust him.”

Which was not a ‘yes.’ Definitely something to look into.

“Still,” Castle interjected, “That must have been pretty difficult, just giving up on your ship like that. We saw pictures of her; she looks like she’s been through a lot.”

“Eh,” Luffy shrugged again, uncomfortable, “We need to keep moving. We need to buy a new ship. I wish it was not necessary, but it is what we must do.”

“Speaking of moving,” Castle said, “According to our records, you’re docked down at Liberty Landing Marina.” At Luffy’s nod, he continued, managing to sound only curious about a detail he was convinced would crack the case. “I can understand wanting to see the Big Apple, but what are you doing all the way in Brooklyn?”

“Cheap hotels.”

… Damn. Luffy can’t lie at all, can he? Beckett thought. If he was closed off before, he was positively stony now, and the contrast between that and the cheerfulness he had greeted them with made his reluctance to answer painfully obvious.

Hiding or not, Castle’s pet theory was going to have to wait. It was time to get down to business. “When was the last time you saw Mr. Ghiaccio?” Beckett asked.

“Yesterday.” Luffy glanced at her curiously. “Why? Is he lost?”

“Mr. Ghiaccio was shot last night in his home.”

“… Heh?” Luffy was staring, eyes wide and shocked, “Avô Tom was … fala serio!”

“He was shot twice in the front and three times in the back.” Beckett had to squash an instinctual rush of sympathy at Luffy’s expression, bearing on brutally. “He’s still alive. But only barely.”

“Não.” Luffy shook his head in denial.

Beckett and Castle shared a glance. Neither of them had understood all of what Luffy had said, but Beckett had broken the news of a loved one’s death to enough families that she could guess.

Which begged the question. Luffy was a suspect. The only possible suspect, according to Ghiaccio’s main foreman and quite a few employees.

Why was he acting like a victim?

“Quem—” Luffy began, stopped himself, and began again in English. “Who would shoot him? Why? He is a nice man, todos o amam. Who would shoot him?”

Beckett raised an eyebrow, letting her silence speak for itself.

When the silence crossed the line from ‘telling’ to ‘awkward’ and Luffy looked no closer to getting the message, Castle coughed slightly. “We were hoping you could tell us.” He said delicately.

Luffy gave him an exasperated look. “How can I know? We only come to town a week ago!” He crossed his arms with a considering frown, “Castelo tells good stories, but maybe he is not so good with real life mysteries?”

Beckett had to bite her lip to keep from laughing as Castle swelled indignantly. “I am too!” He all but squawked, and abandoned all notion of subtlety. “Why do you think we’re here talking to you? You’re the suspect!”

“Hãããããã?!?!?!?!” Luffy’s jaw dropped and eyes bugged as he gaped at them.

It would have been funny if they weren’t accusing him of attempted murder.

Any humor she felt at the situation evaporated. “Luffy,” She said, catching his attention, “Where were you between nine and eleven pm last night?”

“By a marina. Maybe in the park? Then walking to the hotel.”

“Is there anyone who could verify that?” Beckett asked, opening her notebook to write down names.

“Sim. My friends. We had lost one, but …” Luffy trailed off, looking positively grim before he shook himself and finished answering, “Todos de meu— all of my friends were there but her.”

Castle stayed quiet as Beckett asked the questions needed to complete Luffy’s alibi, considering the dark look that had crossed the boy’s face. It actually took some real effort for him to snap out of that, Castle thought, intrigued.

What are you hiding, Mr. Lufisacio D. Monkey?

Beckett was looking rather grim herself, though she hid it well under a layer of cool professionalism. “Would you mind coming down to the station while we check out a few things?” She asked.

“À delagacia?” Luffy blinked.

“Is he arrested?”

Castle started, glancing over at where the green-haired teen was no longer asleep.

The teen glowered suspiciously at them, “Is Luffy arrested or no?” He demanded.

“We just want to verify a couple parts of his alibi.” Beckett said smoothly, “He’s not under arrest.”

Yet, hung unspoken in the air. The teen’s eyes narrowed, trying to stare Beckett down.

Castle was rather glad that he wasn’t on the receiving end of that glare. From either of them. The green-haired teen was brimming with suspicion and hostility, and looked frankly dangerous despite his young age, while Beckett watched him with all the calm assurance of a senior detective of the NYPD, hand on the grip of her gun as if daring him to try something…. Darn it, why is there never popcorn when you need any?

“Dai jo bu, Zoro,” Luffy said easily, cutting through the tension in the air. The teenager broke off his staring contest with Beckett to give Luffy a worried scowl, “Even if I am arrested, está bom. We did not think to look in prison.”

“That woman would never allow herself to be caught unless she meant to be.” Zoro shot back.

Luffy shrugged, “Sim. But maybe a polícia know what we do not? Either way, I will go.”

Zoro scowled deeper for a moment, before sighing, “Shi, capitao.”

Luffy nodded, satisfied, then seemed to think of something and turned to Beckett in alarm, “Do you think Zoro is a killer too? His a-lee-by is to be with me, and if I must come with you—”

“Your friend isn’t under any suspicion.” Beckett assured him. Giving Zoro a look askance, she added “But if he wants to come with you, that would be fine.”

“Hmmmm.” Luffy crossed his arms, considering. He made a decision, going to crouch down beside his friend. “Zoro. You want to come?”

“… No.” Zoro rubbed his face, suddenly looking tired in a way that had nothing to do with his recent catnap. “No. I will wait.”

Luffy nodded, then stood up, walking to Beckett and Castle without hesitation, “Vamos!” He yanked the roof door open and ran down the stairs. His voice and footsteps echoed up the staircase as he called up to them, “You have a police car, yes? With sirens and lights? You will turn them on, yes …?”

[naruto-oc-critiques]

Michiyō Madoka

Here’s your OC review, @michiyomadoka  Sorry for the long wait! I’ll be putting it under a Read More since it was/is so long.

Name: Michiyō Madoka - “Michiyō” means “sunny path” (道陽) and “Madoka” means “circle” (円). Note: The sun is used as a plot device as she associated it with Pain after he stopped the rain in Amegakure and only after his death was able to let go of her hatred of the sun. While the rain in her story is used as a symbol of the “genjutsu world”, the sun is used as a symbol of the “real world”, which she has to make peace with in the end.

C: My Japanese isn’t the best, but I think Madoka is 円か. There’s probably another blog on tumblr that could help you with the translation if you’re interested in knowing the kanji, but I imagine that in most cases you’ll stick to saying Madoka in romaji and not using the kanji so it’s not massively important. There’s also Japandict which I find rather helpful.

Syn - Pain didn’t stop the rain though? It’s near constant downpour there throughout his reign. The only times he stopped it were on Sundays and when he left the village. It was/is used as a sensory jutsu to check for infiltrators.

Gender: Female

Age: Part I: 13-14 and Part II: 17-18

Time set in: Naruto and Naruto Shippūden

Birthplace: Harawa Village, Land of Rain

Lives in: Amegakure

Appearance:

Michiyō is 174 cm tall and weighs 64 kg in Shippūden. She has pale skin, grey eyes and waist-length blonde hair with blunt bangs.

Syn- Weight according to height and gender are good! The hair could be an issue though; such long hair could be problematic; especially if she has it while she’s still young and new. It takes a degree of skill to fight with long hair, especially with close up styles. Even then it’s not very recommended.

C: Details on her actual build would be helpful too. Is her hair usually loose or tied up? As Syn mentioned, long loose hair can get ninjas into all sorts of trouble.

In Part I Michiyō wears a black skirt that reach her mid thighs with slits on both sides and the kanji for dream (夢, yume) in yellow and a sleeveless black crop top with a zipper in front. Underneath she wears a sleeveless mesh suit with black lining, covering her from the neck down to the thighs. She also wears grey shorts and short grey fingerless gloves in rubber with black-lined mesh underneath and has her grey Amegakure forehead protector tied around her hips, as well as a grey shuriken holster on her right thigh. She wears a pair of regular black shinobi sandals with knee-high black-lined mesh stockings and has black nail polish on her fingernails and toenails. She also carries a grey and yellow tantō strapped on her back.

Syn - Yellow seems a bit out of place in a darker village like Ame. Most colors you see there apart from Yahiko and Konan’s hair are dark and dull. Also, why with the rubber?

C: The reason behind the kanji for Yume would be nice to know.

In Part II she wears a pale grey sleeveless, knee-length dress with slits on both sides and the kanji for dream (夢, yume) in yellow, with a narrow low-cut V-neck almost reaching her navel. Underneath she wears a sleeveless mesh suit with yellow lining, which covers her from the neck to down the thighs. She wears still grey shorts but has replaced her short gloves with long grey fingerless gloves in rubber with metal plating on the backhand and yellow-lined mesh underneath as well as a pair of matching, knee-high grey rubber boots with the same yellow lined mesh stockings underneath. She wears a grey belt around her waist with her Amegakure forehead protector plate on and a grey shuriken holster on her right thigh and now has yellow nail polish on her fingernails and toenails. She also carries her sword strapped on her back, which is concealed inside a grey and yellow oil-paper umbrella. As a member of Amegakure’s Anbu unit Namida, Michiyō wears a grey, hooded, ankle-length rain cloak with a zipper in front over her usual outfit and a metal mask designed with slanted eye-holes with four dots trailing down from each corner, the kanji for “tears” (涙, namida) on the forehead and four vertical lines in place of the mouth, resembling the Amegakure village symbol. Her mask uniquely has yellow markings around the eyes and trailing down the cheeks. During the Fourth Shinobi World War, Michiyō wore a standard Amegakure slate grey flak jacket with swirls on the chest, on top of her normal outfit.

Syn - Why the kanji? What kind of swirls on the flak jacket? Why did she have a special flak jacket? I do like the idea of different ANBU divisions though.

C: Is the rain cloak and mask the standard ANBU uniform for her division? How come they don’t have a full standard outfit/style like other ANBU?

Michiyō is also noted for always wearing a simple silver necklace with a small teardrop-shaped pendant around her neck - a gift from Hanzō that is actually a concealed vial containing the only known antidote to his poison, which she usually wears tucked away underneath her shirt for protection.    

C: You’ve not mentioned what this vial is made of, but I’d advise making it metal or similar rather than glass so that it’s not easily breakable.

Family:

Rin Madoka (mother, deceased): Her only living family, the relationship was very poor as her mother drank and neglected, as well as verbally and emotionally abusing her. When she died Michiyō did not mourn her and only felt relief when thinking about her death.

Unknown father (father, presumed deceased): The relationship is non-existent as he left her when she was a baby. When confronted she blames him for not taking care of her, but never really thinks about him otherwise.

C: It’d be handy for us to know who he is, even if Michiyo doesn’t.

Occupation: Anbu captain

Rank: Part I: Genin and Part II: Anbu

Team:

Team 4: Michiyō Madoka, Natsuko Long, Kai Jakushi and Sensei Kinichirō Togawa. Michiyō’s assigned genin team. I was thinking about this team having a dynamic similar to Team 7: Michiyō/Naruto was in love with Kai/Sakura and Kai/Sakura was in love with Natsuko/Sasuke, while despite their differences Michiyō/Naruto and Natsuko/Sasuke were best friends.

Syn - It’s important to think of team dynamics, but this seems like too much of a Team 7 parallel to me.

C: I would also avoid spelling out where your inspiration comes from in general, as then the parallels become particularly obvious. If your OCs would genuinely have that kind of dynamic then that’s fair enough, but I still feel like there should be some differences between your team and team 7’s.

Team Akuma: Tsuyu Saitō, Kohaku Itō and Captain Michiyō Madoka (codename Akuma). Anbu team within the Anbu unit Namida, specialized in ambush/protection and serves as bodyguards for the village head.

Syn - Somehow I kind of doubt Pain would want/need an ANBU protection squad? None the less one ran by Hanzo’s “daughter”. The general Ambush/Protection classification is generally fine though!

C: I’m not convinced on the team name either. Team Michiyo would be better, or an entirely different codename for the team as a whole.

Syn - Like going by Alpha, Beta, ect. Something like that.

Friends:

Hanzō (caretaker/father figure): After Hanzō took her in and made her his student Michiyō came to love him as a father figure and was devastated when he was killed by Pain. His death had a profound impact on Michiyō and afterwards she gave up on the idea of peace and bonding with others and bended down to Pain in order to survive, trying to let go of Hanzō. When she later met the reanimated Hanzō she admitted that she had not been able to let him go and despite all the bad things he had done she still loved him.

Syn - I just...don’t think of Hanzō as the type to take someone in. I could see him hearing about an oddly talented civilian and conscripting them to the academy though.

C: Shouldn’t Pain have killed her if they were close? From the wiki “the Six Paths of Pain confronted and single-handedly killed Hanzō, systematically slaughtered every person he was ever in league, or affiliated with; from family and servants, to even ambassadors of the villages who he was associated with”.

Natsuko Long (best friend/teammate): Was her best friend, but they grew apart in the Academy when Natsuko became popular and Michiyō as the outsider began isolating herself becoming solely focused on getting stronger. When Natsuko died, Michiyō did not go to her funeral as she at that point had suppressed her emotions completely, something she later regretted and after the war was finally able to mourn her.

Syn - How can they be best friends if they grew apart in the academy and never reconciled?

C: It’s nice to see her regretting her past actions, though I realise that may sound awful.

Kai Jakushi (friend/childhood crush/teammate): Due to Michiyō being an outsider and he was popular, Michiyō was forced to pretend that they were not friends in the Academy, while hiding her crush on him. While team mates her feelings for him disappeared as she suppressed her emotions and they grew apart when team disbanded and after Natsuko’s death they never spoke again.

Syn - So, she and Kai stayed friends but not her and Natsuko? Why?

Kinichirō Togawa (sensei): She liked and admired him, and felt sad when he drank himself to death not long after his retirement when Team 4 disbanded, but tried to let it go and not think about it.

Syn - Why did he become an alcoholic? Because Natsuko died?

C: It would be nice to have a bit more detail here, like why she admired him, and more details on her feelings rather than just “sad” when he passed away.

Kakashi Hatake (friend/romantic interest): When they met in Part II after Pain’s defeat, she came to respect and admire him during the preparation for the war and slowly developed feelings for him. However she hid them as she still feared they made her weak and vulnerable. Note: I’m not sure whether to just leave it at a crush/friends or to have them become a couple in the end after she breaks out of her emotionless shell - I don’t plan on them getting married or having children or anything like that, I thought of them more as lovers/partners and I am still not entirely sure whether she would move to Konoha for him – any advice on if the relationship even seems plausible would be fine :)  

Syn - honestly i think konoha shinobi would be wary of most ame shinobi. Also, i don’t believe Ame participated in the fourth war, as they’d just lost their leaders. They would have been too embroiled in finding a leader, likely through civil war given the country’s history.

C: It was just the main 5 villages and the samurai who participated in the war. We could really do with more detail on how they actually meet, and how any kind of relationship has time to develop.

Personality: As a child she was happy, cheerful and stubborn with a fierce temper much like Naruto Uzumaki, but due to the lack of love in her childhood she became introverted, reserved and taught herself to supress her emotions and put up a façade.

C: Becoming introverted and reserved makes sense if she had a difficult childhood. Does she still have the same temper “under the surface” then? I’m curious as to whether or not she has any “ticks” that give may away her hidden emotions to anyone who knows her well enough.

After Hanzō’s death, she lost all hope in other people and believed that bonding with others would only make her weak. Though she hated Pain, she never sought revenge, as she was too afraid of him and believed that he could never be defeated.

C: It’s good to see that she understands the limits of her power, though I’m curious as to why she lost hope in other people at this time too. Logically speaking, if she could gather up a reasonably large band of at least semi skilled people, then she could have had a chance at beating Pain. If she was that attached to Hanzo I feel like she would have tried to do something, though obviously not if it was a lost cause.

Trapped under Pain, unable to deal with all her anger, hatred and sorrow she instead chose to completely shut off her emotions and slowly turned her own heart into ice. Michiyō came to believe that the only way she could survive and become strong was to let it all go and forget about the past and everything that had happened and she willingly bended down to Pain in order to survive. The past became a taboo which she never thought or spoke about and her only focus was to keep moving forward at all cost. She became obsessed with getting stronger and all her waking hours she trained her genjutsu, which with time became the only way she could express her emotions. Most of the time Michiyō is calm and composed, with an aloof and confident attitude. However she is also talkative, strong-opinionated, and can also be funny and charismatic at times, but her cheerful exterior is often only a part of her facade and she always keeps people at an arms-length, never showing her true emotions.

C: To be honest, being charismatic at times gives off something of a manipulative vibe to me, though I’m not sure if you were aiming for this.

Syn - I could see the manipulative side developing after all that she’s been through though.

She is extremely enduring and also adaptable under extreme circumstances, unflappable and very good at keeping her cool in any situation. She is very determined and ambitious, but can turn obsessive under too much pressure. Due to her upbringing she is also quite mature for her age and very independent as she is used to relying only on herself and can therefore also be very selfish, always putting herself before others.

C: Selfishness is a good flaw, and makes sense for her too.

Syn - Makes sense with the manipulative vibe too!

As she prefers her own company most of the time, she has very few friends and when not on duty she spends her time alone in her apartment painting or reading as she likes being creative, which helps her develop ideas for her genjutsu. The thing she fears above anything else is being vulnerable and weak, opening up and then being betrayed or exploited, which is why she trusts no one and keeps to herself. Her fear is her weakest point, as she has never learned to be brave and has had to flee and hide her entire life to survive.

C: I like these fears.

Syn - Sounds very much like someone who grew up so close to the center of a war-torn country.

However, after Pain’s death everything changed for her and her meeting with Naruto and watching his refusal to give up made her realize that she had been wrong to despair and give up on other people and she regained her hope in a better future. This helped her break out of her emotionless shell and shed her façade, no longer believing bonds and feelings is just weaknesses and she began creating new bonds and also finding the courage and will to fight for her village and others than herself.

C: It’s good to see her grow and move on from her old feelings. Naruto has changed so many characters in canon though, so it can feel a bit stale when he’s the reason for an OCs change too. I would consider linking it to the actions of her friends, fellow villagers or something, so it feels a bit fresher (I hope you get what I mean here).

Abilities: Despite her being born into a civilian family, Michiyō was born with immense genjutsu powers. Learning the basic theory behind chakra by years of listening in on the shinobi teams passing through her village, she was able to teach herself how to mould chakra and create genjutsu and even before she joined the Academy she had surprisingly good control of her abilities. She was even able to catch a fully-fledged shinobi in a Genjutsu Binding when she was 8 years old, which were enough to catch the eye of the legendary shinobi Hanzō, who took her as his student.

Syn - That’s a little over-powered, for some civilian kid with not family history of shinobi. I could see maybe a Kurama kid being able to do this.

C: This is definitely beyond the realm of what an untrained child could be reasonably expected to learn without some kind of formal tuition. If you want Hanzo to take an interest in her, why not wait until they start to teach genjutsu at the academy?

As she has trained herself to suppress her emotions her entire life, with time her genjutsu became the only way she could express her emotions and therefore became very dependent on them. Her powers are so strong that overuse eventually breaks down her mind and personally, so that she at last is just an empty shell.

Syn - I can see the becoming dependent of genjutsu thing, as that seems like a viable side effect from emotional suppression. But by that last sentence do you mean she ends up killing herself with her genjutsu? Or at least puts herself into a vegetative state?

C: I’m guessing that you’re aiming for a ROOT style personality, though I feel like if she loses too much then she won’t care about missions, or even self care and could just fade away, or die due to carelessness on a mission.

Note: I am still working on the mechanics of her genjutsu powers as I don’t want it to be just a copy of the Kurama Clan’s genjutsu, but I still want it to be something that defines and shapes her throughout the story, so any suggestions is very much appreciated :)

Syn - I just don’t see how the genjutsu could be developed into something that isn’t too close to the Kurama clan’s. Strong genjutsu like that just screams Kurama. C, you got any ideas?

C: To be honest, I feel like your best route might be to just have her being distantly related to the Kurama clan (maybe by a grandparent or mystery dad). Ame is basically a mixing pot of the surrounding countries, so it wouldn’t be a stretch for someone from Konoha to wind up there. I just think that at the moment, what you’re aiming for is too similar to the Kurama clans KG to try and make it something different, and there’s nothing in canon stopping you from borrowing it.

Syn -  Yes. Mystery Dad. But, yeah, Rain is basically the New York of Naruto. Lots of refugees from other nations.

As she has chosen to focus almost solely on her genjutsu, her other skills have naturally suffered and she is quite average in other general shinobi skills. She is amongst other things unable to use any elemental chakra natures only Yin Release and because she was born a civilian she naturally has a very small amount of chakra which gives her a low stamina.

C: Her maximum amount of chakra can be increased with training (to an extent), so I wouldn’t make it too low as I think it’s something that she would spend time developing. She should also have a natural element which would be nice to know regardless or whether or not she can really use it.

As she has been naturally focused on her mind and on studying, she is particularly weak in terms of physical strength and endurance and taijustu. As she is usually extremely well-protected by her genjutsu powers this does not normally pose a problem, but in a taijutsu match she could easily be beaten by someone like Ino Yamanaka and if ever punched directly by Sakura Haruno or Tsunade she would properly be killed. However, to make up for this she has worked on her speed and evasion and she is very quick. Michiyō is also extremely skilled in kenjutsu, wielding the ninjatō Tīdaami meaning “sunshower” (太陽雨), which she can use to induce her genjutsu when infusing it with her yin chakra-flow.

Syn - So her lack of elemental jutsu is due to her focus on genjutsu? I can see that, but I think at least one or two low level ninjutsu would be a good idea. Besides, if genjutsu was literally the only skill she’s good at I could hardly see her making it past being low-leveled chuunin. Though, I really do like the idea of the tanto/genjutsu combination. But if she’s good with kenjutsu then I think she should be at least decent with taijutsu as well.

Also, on the chakra front, she won’t be able to use a lot of strong genjutsu without a decent bit of chakra, or one of those that consumes it over time. So Id’s do what C recommended and have her train it up some.

Due to her training with Hanzō, she also has great knowledge in creating poisons and antidotes and she can use her umbrella both to release a hallucinogenic Poison Mist that she uses in her genjutsu, while she is also able to use a unique summon – an earthworm, which she is able to ride on top of, is poisonous like Ibuse and can also consume physical energy. Due to her training in the Anbu she is also a very capable assassin.  

Syn - Earthworms are also different, which is nice, but they’re not really poisonous creatures. Caterpillars might be a better choice on that front.

C: You could also go for a parasitic worm of some kind. I don’t know much about worms, so you’ll have to do the research on it though.

Stats: Part I: 14 Part II: 24

Ninjutsu: Part I: 1 Part II: 3

Taijutsu: Part I: 0.5 Part II: 1

Genjutsu: Part I: 4 Part II 5

Intelligence: Part I: 2 Part II: 4

Strength: Part I: 0.5 Part: 1

Speed: Part I: 2 Part II: 4

Stamina: Part I: 1 Part II: 2

Hand seals: Part I: 2 Part II: 4

Syn - Hey, don’t these stats actually make her weaker than Sakura overall? I don’t see how she could be ANBU with these? Kurenai is a Jounin specializing in genjutsu and her overall stats are almost 30 in total.

C: Naruto had total stats of 14.5 at the age of 12, and was rock bottom of his class. He also doesn’t have any skills below a 1, and his genjutsu goes up to 2 by part II despite him being hopeless at it. I’d shift her stats up to at least 18 or so, with none lower than 1 in part I. I’m not sure if you want Michiyo to be on Kurenai’s level, but if that’s the kind of skill you’re aiming for in part II, then you need to be around the 29 mark. If not, 24 is pretty reasonable for an average shinobi of that age, and is on par with Shikamaru in shippuden.

History:

Background: She grew up in the small village Harawa born to civilian parents, her father left her when she was a baby and her mother began drinking after that. She had no friends and was bullied, until she used her genjutsu to scare the other children away, resulting in them leaving her alone and giving her the nickname Akuma meaning “demon/devil”.

Syn - Why was she bullied in the first place? And this is where you got her squad name, yeah? I don’t think someone would use a childhood insult as their team name unless they were sadistic with a good dosage of self-loathing.

C: I’ve personally seen this nickname too many times, and would advise picking something else, if you even need the nickname at all.

When she was 8 years old, a battle between Hanzō’s forces and the Akatsuki burned down her village, killing her mother. After Hanzō watched the young Michiyō stop one of his shinobi who mistook her for the enemy in a Genjutsu Binding, he decided to make her his student and use her in the civil war. When she was 10 years old Hanzō was killed by Pain, however Michiyō was lucky to escape through a secret pathway through the sewers. After that she lived on the streets – I am thinking of placing her in an orphanage instead where she perhaps is recruited into Namida, but I’m not sure whether Amegakure even had orphanages at this point?

Syn - Once again, I think Hanzo pulling her to to academy would make more sense, rather than making her his student. This would also rectify the “Akatsuki killing everyone Hanzo is connected to” problem as well. She could still admire him for giving her a new chance at life or a new purpose maybe?

C: If Hanzo wanted to use her as a weapon some kind of ROOT equivalent would make the most sense if he wanted her trained quickly, though you’d need to bump her skills up. It’d also mean quite a bit of rewriting. With Nagato and co’s experience of Ame, I’m not convinced that there would be any orphanages. Also, with Pains sensing abilities, I really doubt that a 10 year old would be able to escape him. If you want her to live she can’t be that close to him.

One day she met another girl her age named Natsuko and they became best friends. Together they started in the Academy, but Michiyō was an outsider and was bullied due to her ragged looks from living on the streets and kept to herself. While she was extremely skilled in genjutsu, she lacked any other shinobi skills and it took her three tries to graduate, but she managed to graduate as the top kunoichi on her third try. She was put into Team 4 with Natsuko and their mutual friend Kai under the jōnin sensei Kinichirō.     

Syn -  Most Academy classes start when the kids are six, not ten. That would be far, far too late for them to develop skills in time to graduate at 11 or 12. Also, with her lacking in so many of the other skills I don’t see how she could have possibly been kunoichi of the year.

C: With the state of Ame, I feel like there would be a couple of street kids in every class, so it wouldn’t be that much of a reason to bully someone. Taking three attempts to graduate and then being the best kunoichi don’t fit together either, unless something happened to really aid her development in that time period.

Part I: Team 4 participated in the Chūnin Exams in Konoha. They passed the written exams due to Michiyō using her genjutsu on the other students while collecting the answers. During the Forest of Death challenge they came across Team 7 and a battle between Kai and Sasuke ensued, ending with Kai being seriously injured. On the last day Team 4 was able to secure the earth scroll and passed, however in the preliminaries Kai’s injuries were so serious that he was forced to withdraw by their sensei. Michiyō and Natsuko then met each other in battle, with Michiyō winning due to playing on Natsuko’s fears with her genjutsu, causing her rift between them. During the finals, Michiyō was assigned to fight Dosu Kinuta, however as Dosu was killed by Gaara they never got to fight. After Chūnin finals were stopped due to the invasion of Konoha, Shikamaru was the only one who was promoted chūnin and Michiyō and Team 4 travelled home to Amegakure.  

Syn - Being in the same chuunin exams is fine, but the battling your own teammate thing is kind of cliche. Why not go further and mix up canon by shifting fights around? Also, why did the other members of the teams not fight? Why just Sasuke and Kai? And wasn’t there already a rift between Michiyō and Natsuko? I thought that you said their relationship pretty much started and ended in the academy.

C: Dosu was meant to fight Shikamaru in the finals as far as I’m aware. I’d personally be inclined to use more OC teams for Michiyo and co to fight against rather than fiddling around with the canon fights, but as long as you leave the ones with the most plot in canon intact you can fiddle with them as Syn said.

Part II: Despite failing to make chūnin, the superiors in Amegakure had taken notice of her exceptional genjutsu skills and she was recruited into the Anbu sub-division Namida (seen as Amegakure’s equivalent of Root) which takes in orphan children and trains them as weapons to protect the village. Michiyō underwent 3 years of gruelling training, becoming a skilled and ruthless assassin and at some point passing the chūnin exams at age 14. At age 16 Michiyō was promoted to Anbu captain and was assigned to lead her own three-man team, which specialized in ambush/protection, serving as bodyguards to the village head.

Syn - Wait, wait. They (Konoha’s Rookie 9) were 12-13 in part one. Probably around 13 by the time they took the chuunin exams, which means Michiyō would be late 13s, early 14s at the time of the chuunin exams. So she’d be 16/17 by the time she finished those three years of Anbu training. Though becoming an Anbu Captain at sixteen is some sort of Kakashi level thing; I probably wouldn’t advise it. Not with her point allocation. And probably late into her 14th year or early in her 15th for becoming chuunin if she didn’t pass the Konoha exams.

But if the initial thought was to train her as a weapon, why wasn’t she dumped in this division from the beginning?

C: I really do think that she should have been put in this sub division when Hanzo found her originally, as waiting ages to create a weapon for a current war through the academy doesn’t make sense.

After Pain’s death during his invasion of Konoha, Michiyō was shell-shocked that he could ever be defeated and wishing to meet Naruto who had defeated him, she volunteered her team for the mission Protect Naruto, which Konan had started as a way to ensure that Pain’s faith in Naruto would not be wasted as well as an attempt to reach out to Konoha to make an alliance – which however failed as the new Hokage Danzō was distrustful of Ame’s alliance with Naruto. In Konoha Naruto told Michiyō Pain’s story and also what Hanzō had done to him, while she was shocked she shook it off and declared that she had let him go many years ago and that her hatred for Pain was no longer necessary as he was dead.

Syn - There was never any sort of official “Protect Naruto” mission, and I very highly doubt Tsunade would let them anywhere near Naruto for an extended period like that. Plus, I don’t think Konan lived long enough to give any sort of official declaration or mission regarding Naruto. There’s also the fact that Ame was left without any leader at this point in time, so no one would be sent out on mission for a while I would think.

C: Ame also tends to get run over by the larger nations on a regular basis so don’t really have ninja to spare, especially when they don’t have a village leader.

Following Naruto with her team to the Land of Iron and later watching the battle between Team 7, Michiyō was reminded of the old Team 4. At last watching Naruto’s resolve to never give up, also seeing her early self in him, made her realize how different she could have become if she had not given up, Michiyō decided to change her ways and began to believe in peace for the first time since Hanzō’s death.

C: As a mentioned earlier, lots of characters have changed because of Naruto in canon. I also feel that changing simply because of watching him is a little weak, for lack of a better word. I could understand it better if it was something that she had been considering for a while, but this was the last straw, though that’s not the impression that I get.

Syn - If anything, watching him might bright to light a seed of doubt, but beyond that it would take something more significant and impactful.

Deciding, like Konan, to put her faith in Naruto, she became determined to make a difference and persuaded her team to travel back and try to rally Amegakure to fight with Konoha in the upcoming war against the Akatsuki. However, when they arrived Konan had been killed and the village was scrambling to mobilize their defences. But due to Michiyō’s words and refusal to take no for an answer, feeling that her village is responsible for the Akatsuki, she eventually succeeded in convincing her superiors and they decided to dispatch the Namida forces of the Anbu to join the Allied Shinobi Forces, keeping the rest of the shinobi in to defend the village.

C: How big are the Namida forces anyway? As horrible as it sounds, I’m not sure that they’d be a big enough power to really sway the outcome of the war, while on the other hand they’d be a big enough power to make a difference to any issues at home. It doesn’t make sense to me from a logical perspective for them to be sent off, and not stay around Ame keeping the peace and protecting her superiors.

Syn - Konan would have been killed long before this, unless this is an AU. And it’s really doubtful “superiors” or “elders” would heed to the pleas of one girl; they’d probably be too busy fighting amongst themselves for the position of leader.

The Ame forces arrived in Kumogakure at the nick of time and though initially met with hostility, with the support of Naruto, Kakashi and the newly awoken Tsunade they were permitted to join the Surprise Attack Division. When they were attacked by the Surprise Attack and Diversion Platoon, Michiyō came face to face with the reincarnated Hanzō and due to her knowledge of him she was quick enough to escape Ibuse’s paralysing poison but the others were caught, leaving her all alone. Forced to confront Hanzō, she was out of chakra and also too emotional unstable to be able to do much and broke down in tears for the first time since Hanzō’s death. Recognizing her Hanzō taunted her for showing her weakness and still holding on to useless ideas of peace, he charged at her and beat her severely. As she was seriously injured by having been infected by the poison on his kusarigama and on the ground nearly unconscious, in spite of his taunting words, to Hanzō’s shock Michiyō was able to get up and cure herself of his poison with the antidote inside her teardrop necklace she still carried, a gift from him when she was 10. She told him that she was done running and also that he had been wrong to give up on his dreams, what he could have accomplished if he had not given up so easily and that she pitied him for what he had become. As he charged at her again this time she met him head on and after beating her nearly to death, but before delivering the final Mifune arrived just in time to intervene.

C: I’m really struggling to understand the last sentence here.

Syn - Still don’t think Tsunade would trust them, or Kakashi. Regardless of if Naruto did or not. And I’m guessing Mifune saved her life?

After Hanzō was defeated by him, he repeated Michiyō’s words that he had been wrong to give up on his conviction and remembering his past and also his memories of Michiyō; Hanzō placed his faith in her and pleaded with Mifune to save her life before he committed seppuku. Afterwards Michiyō was taken to the medical unit for treatment and was unconscious for the rest of the war. While trapped in the Infinite Tsukuyomi, Michiyō dreamed that she sat by the lake in Amegakure with all her dead family and friends enjoying the sunshine. After the war, Michiyō travelled home to Amegakure to help rebuilt the village and the efforts of the Ame-nin were one of the key factors in repairing the diplomatic relationship between Ame and Konoha, resulting in the village standing stronger in the following years of peace than it had ever done before, eventually joining the newly formed Shinobi Union. Michiyō also carved a grave for Hanzō by the lake, which she visited in the years after. She also often came to visit her new friends in Konoha often, her life forever changed because of them.

Syn - This is, quite frankly, out of character for Hanzo.

First of all the emotional suppression needs to be addressed a bit - though it’s not anything against it, just expanding on it as something you may want to tweak a little bit:

Effects of consistent emotion suppression include increased physical stress on your body, including high blood pressure, increased incidence of diabetes and heart disease. In addition, people who engage in emotion suppression regularly are more likely to experience stiff joints, bone weakness and more illnesses due to lowered immunity.

Other than that little tidbit of information, you’re doing just fine when it comes to her personality!

Now regarding the genjutsu - we mentioned the Kurama clan above, and you did too. We believe the best course of action here is to just make her related to the Kuramas - Mystery Dad and/or through her paternal grandparents. They are all about strong genjutsu, so it’ll be far easier on you to just have her be part Kurama than try to make a workaround to make it something different.

Now, the part regarding her history revolving around Hanzo. If this was canon-verse Michiyō would be dead - slipping through the sewers wouldn’t be enough to save her. It’d have to go AU somehow for it to work, otherwise we’d advise him recruiting her for the academy, or rather those Namida you mention. She could still admire him for giving her a new life, or a new purpose, but this way she has a better chance of not getting killed by Akatsuki.

Her skills also need a bit of tweaking, like we mentioned above. General numbers and sprucing up her abilities all around will do Michiyō some good - maybe expand a bit on her tanto/genjutsu combination.

Syn & C

[pirirps]

mythbusters starters: season 5

i guess the moral of this story is, don’t paint your airship with rocket fuel.

this ingredient is made of blur. and this ingredient has some blur in it too. this is very dangerous. don’t mix blur with blur.

that took almost ten times longer than the hindenburg took to burn. the entire hindenburg.

if you’re getting chased by a crocodile, you can easily escape them by running in a zigzag pattern, because they can not turn corners.

they’re fishnet stockings.

oh no, they’ve got feathers on them still!

megadope!!!

duuuuudearonomy!

is everybody okay?

oh noooo! the crocodiiiiiilleee!!!

this should solve the mystery once and for all.

you want three zeppelins in a day? we’ll give you three zeppelins in a day.

these things are always catchin’ on fire!

and that, kids, is the textbook definition of “irony”.

next up on discovery: the world’s deadliest piñata!

why are they hissing?

i’ve been watching a lot of professional wrestling on television, so i’ve learned a lot of wrestling moves, and i’m gonna test them out on this crocodile.

there’s only one thing left: plan c. and that’s c for “crazy”.

that’s crocodiles… but what about ALLIGATORS?

this thing is going to buuuuuurrrrnnn.

if you’re driving around with a truck full of birds, and the birds take flight, will your truck get lighter?

the birds will be too fat to fly!

____’s pain threshold is way lower than a pigeon’s.

is that photoshop?

oka [voice cracks] ay.

the only evidence they have is this photo and accompanying reports.

his ocd kicks in– that’s “obsessive crash disorder”.

ooooohh, five bucks?

[smashing things with a sledgehammer] i am! so! sick! of! _________!

bueno! that’s spanish for “good”.

i’m gonna do my pole dance.

just had to mention the weather, didn’t you?

_______ makes it look so easy when he does it!

team unity is the first casualty.

seeing as ______ and ______ are rejecting each other’s reality and substituting their own, this argument is going nowhere.

i guess it didn’t happen exactly the way it was reported.

i wanna see some carnage.

okay, escape plan: same as last time.

i’m givin’ up.

i think it’s gonna be a web-shooter.

i’m ready. [covers crotch with hands] yeah, i’m ready.

see what happens when we pull this string.

with thoughts of unemployment crowding his mind, how could he fail?

is he saying “red rum”?!

no, my dog voice doesn’t work.

look into my eyes… deeper… you will fall into a deep, deep sleep!

exactly! except we won’t kill people.

can i be hypnotized to do something against my will?

i know he’s not that good an actor.

just because we can’t do it doesn’t mean it can’t be done.

i don’t like the idea of this.

this is trickery.

the only way that any of that would’ve made sense is if music started playing and he started taking his clothes off.

this is the burrito.

that’s high explosives, huh? it looks more like a taco.

you’re gonna shoot my hat off?

i’m gonna shoot your hat off.

oh, can we break out of jail? i’ve always wanted to do that!

yippee-ki-yay!

when they made _____, they broke the mold.

so this is what you were expecting all along, and you were just gonna watch us bumble around with this?

just imagine what i could do with steel-toed boots.

i’m sick of being the guy that throws up on camera.

i’m afraid of commitment and i don’t think that’s gonna change.

you’ll know it works because i’ll come back with, like, purple eyes.

spin me, baby.

come on! i wanna see you blow chunks!

attaboy!

i just can’t stand those things. they freak me out.

that 100% sucks.

i didn’t want to listen to you going “dude, it’s totally okay. dude, it’s totally okay. dude, it’s totally o–”

the fake blood department would have its hands full.

i’m tired of being the ______ guinea pig.

you know when you haven’t eaten for a while, and you’re just throwing up bile? yeah. this is just bile.

never leave your position, _____!

boys will be boys.

well, actually, i heard this one about this guy, and he had a jet pack?

why does it smell like this? what did he keep in here?

all in the name of science, of course.

y’know, something tells me that this is, maybe, not the best of the options.

if you’re thinking that a refrigerator is going to contain a grenade, you’re dead wrong.

we’re what you’d call “experts”.

you can jump around, make cat noises, do karate chops, all kinds of adolescent behavior like we know you love to do.

what makes you think i have a ninja costume?

well, maybe we should start by finding a real ninja.

i’m hoping _____ won’t get hurt too bad. a little bit is good.

jimmy choo can rest easy.

decapitation hazard, everybody!

people say i’m not that quick.

[trying to sword fight with a measuring tape]

[clapping] yaaaaaaayy!

not many people know this, but ______ comes from an ancient line of nine generations of shoe-tiers.

come, silent walrus! let us storm the castle! i will don my safety gear!

the important thing is that i look damn good.

______ were not at all above trying to encourage the belief in their supernatural powers.

they wanted people to fear their magical powers.

do it like your life depends on it.

thanks for that motivation, ______.

don’t think of it as a competition… but it is.

a ninja must go to the bathroom before he swings his sword.

he hasn’t looked this incensed since star trek was cancelled.

this thing’s starting to look like a monster. pretty soon you’re not even gonna recognize it.

everybody knows being caught on the rebound doesn’t count.

he stopped it with his head.

hai! ikimashou! – that’s “let’s go” in japanese.

whoo! if i had any dignity, that would have been humiliating.

i’m stealthy as the night.

don’t i look like silent death, bringing justice in the night?

so i notice you have all your fingers.

wow, you have a lot of confidence in her. more than we do.

so you mean all those ninja movies were not true?

it’s water. it’s… got something else in it. but. it’s water.

there’s nothing _______ would rather do than play in a giant tub of goo.

ohh, that’s so funky! ooooohhh, duuuude, that feels so wrong!

come on in, the water’s great!

is that legal in baseball?

it’s ever so slightly totally illegal.

something’s gonna go somewhere it shouldn’t, we’re gonna have mayhem one way or another, but– what the heck, it’s all in the name of science, right?

it’s a brand new, high-speed, intricate rig with multiple moving parts. seriously, what are the chances that it’s going to work the first time?

[cupping hands over mouth to make walkie talkie noises] one small step for man… one giant leap for mankind.

aaaaand the bat is still there.

swing like you’re pissed off.

do you watch ANY sporting events?

yeah, i watch sports. i watch robot combat.

how ‘bout humid balls?

there’s actually a lot more to baseball than you might think.

great. because there’s nothing we’re better at than organized sports, right?

HEY batta batta batta, SWING batta batta batta, SWING!

is it a bird? is it a plane?

it’s fight club– superhero style.

no one can run at the speed of light, no one can spin webs, and no one turns green when they get angry and has super-strength.

if we’re gonna do this in true superhero fashion, i think you all need to put your underwear on the outside of your pants.

it’s a key component on the belt of… nocturnal echolocating flying mammal man.

in a never-ending fight against crime, superheroes often have to leap tall buildings.

we’re gonna have to do this one for real, man. we can’t fake it this time.

it’s a little bigger than batman’s.

i’m not in really great shape like batman is, but, you know, i’m gonna try.

that’ll feed my family for a month!

you all set, batman?

i’m all set, boy wonder!

i don’t remember batman having this much trouble.

ladies and gentlemen, there’s a new superhero on the block.

if you guys don’t mind, i’m just gonna lie here for a little while.

superheroes big and small are getting put to the test.

he’s that guy who could punch people so hard he left a scar in the shape of the skull on his ring.

if we can’t punch each other, who are we gonna punch?

as we know, ____ was raised by robots.

i need these two in adamantium, and these two in kryptonite.

his name is porkloinio. he’s an evil… pig… man.

our comic book criminal is down for the count.

you know, i can’t me _____man all the time. sometimes… i just have to be _____.

batman probably didn’t get it on his first try, either.

let’s go be batman.

what’s in the bag?

i like how she does the little hair flip.

holy awesomeness, _____!

this is gonna be the coolest batmobile ever!!!

holy air-cannon, _____!

this is actually the most dangerous thing i’ve built in a long line of dangerous things.

oh! newton’s laws! we forgot newton’s laws!

who says superheroes don’t bleed?

it’s not good for the image to be seen taking the elevator.

while it may look like an abandoned aircraft hangar, it is, in fact, a super-modern superhero training facility.

god, i hate these things. gimme a ladder any day of the week!

yeah, i still have to come up with a name for this thing. i’m thinking… “nocturnal echolocating flying mammal man’s cable shooter”.

this is all a little frightening.

this is definitely harder concrete than anything i’ve ever seen before.

curses! foiled again!

NOW LET’S GET OUT AND FIGHT SOME CRIME!!!

what is it with you and these robots?

i call the gun!

well, that’s gonna suck.

i can’t believe this is my job.

right, so here’s your motivation: you’ve just robbed a bank and you want to get away.

you know, this is my first surgery ever, aaaaaand– i feel like it went pretty well. i didn’t even go to med school, either.

i feel so sci-fi!

it’s probably gonna explode and she’s gonna lose her arm. i can’t wait to see that.

look, i think we’re already on enough government watch lists. let’s watch this one go.

that doesn’t seem very… logical.

now that’s an enterprising idea.

the ninja is making a comeback.

we killed the ninja!

yeah, but the law in the us and the uk is different.

where are we gonna get a car that can go 200 miles per hour?

this thing is beautiful. i think i’m gonna cry.

where’s the satellite radio? where’s the cup-holder? this is very primitive.

that’s on purpose. that’s what’s supposed to happen.

it’s really only demonstrable through telling a story.

the police are coming, so let’s wrap up and get out of here.

can i fire this one? can i? can i? can i? do you mind? do you mind? is it alright? 

you’re a freak!

now all we need is a 40-AA bra.

a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

i can’t look.

i just don’t know if these express me. i think i might want a different color.

is this as disturbing as i think it is?

it’s even more disturbing than you think it is.

[tosses bra on your face]

you need some help, big guy?

you didn’t take off your shirt, did you?

what are you, nuts?

it’s kinda dark in here. maybe we should light a fire.

it’s a bad idea to cross the streams.

he’s going through a rebellious phase and wanted to upset his mom.

ugh, it’s like you’re a mind-reader or something!

you pushed me out of the way, what the hell was that?!

i was giving you more of a challenge!

i like to live my life halfway like an action hero and halfway like a cartoon character.

[racecar noises]

i remember it like it was only yesterday…

i figure if you wanna get out of a ticket, short skirts and crying is still the way to go.

________ only works if the officer is human.

once the bumper goes back on, it’ll be fine, no one will know. … until they crash.

one car. almost two miles of runway. no speed limit. it’s just another day in ________ paradise.

i’m gonna have a fire suit on, a helmet, the whole nine yards. just in case i crash. and burn. and stuff like that.

ah, _____. ever the optimist.

based solely on my own intuition and on now practical experience whatsoever, i estimate that we can get this car up to 100 miles per hour.

let’s see ______ bat his baby blues now!

we’ve caught you red-handed!

i dunno, old man, maybe you just don’t have what it takes.

nitroglycerin? that’s explosive!

i mean, we break everything we touch.

when you say “we”, you mean “you”.

it’s going to be… potentially… the most lethal thing i’ve ever built.

this thing, if it works, will definitely kill you.

it’s like frankenstein’s laboratory.

well, y’know, normally the paddles don’t have serrated edges, but this is a homemade defibrillator.

think we could go get first place in the science fair?

this doesn’t look dangerous enough. you think we should go get some buckets of water to stand in? or turn on the sprinkler system?

just put your safety glasses on.

she made it!

yeah, i’m sure my mom will watch this later and she’ll be like, “augh! not again!”

it’s open season on speedsters.

you know what? i’ll save you some time. it’s probably illegal.

i’ll eat my hat if this is legal in even one state.

it’s enough to make your hair stand on end!

want an umbrella?

that seems reeeeeeeeeally reeeeeally really dangerous.

lots of water? large amounts of electricity? i don’t see a danger in that at all.

i… didn’t think it was gonna hurt me. i thought i had that one under control.

can someone unwrap me?

turn off the camera and help me get out of this thing!

i love being wrong.

you did very good, sweetie.

well, i’m pretty sure no one is going to sell us nitroglycerin.

can i drive the car?

all that’s left now is to gently break _____’s heart.

i’ve got a little somethin’-somethin’.

nice work, speedy gonzalez.

we’ll be checking in often.

weren’t you a bugler in the civil war?

trust ____ to turn a trombone into an instrument of torture.

why don’t we let the narrator explain?

nag, nag, nag.

you’d think we would learn.

it’ll toast your waffles to almost 3000 degrees.

it’s in the danger zone.

excellent! danger!

[smashing things with hammers] ABANGADABANGADABANGADA–

did you see the death star when it went out? i want an explosion like that.

_____’s mug is looking smug.

i bet you’re wondering why i’m standing here holding a plunger.

it gets me all steamed up just thinking about it.

_____’s going to be playing cowboy.

okay, so, the ranch actually has a psychic horse.

god, this seems like a really stupid idea.

deedoo! deedoo! deedoo! fashion police!

do you feel any heat? in your pants, i mean.

our patient is sick.

jim morrison, eat your heart out!

there’s no way of doing this without looking creepy right now.

he’s a genius… a demented genius!

are we gonna have to amputate his legs?

badabing, badaboom.

welcome to the ______ clubhouse!

tight jeans look very foxy.

this kind of stress on a regular basis can’t be good.

it just goes to show, there’s danger everywhere.

did you know what was lurking in your basement?

do either of you want my jeans that were dragged through horse manure?

gee, that sounds like fun!

i’m gonna go talk to him, find out what he knows.

have i ever told you that i sing in _____’s band twice a month?

he was voted in germany the sexiest tv star alive, second only to david hasselhoff.

i was a small wookiee in star wars episode 3.

no you weren’t, because i would have seen you, because i was also a small wookie in star wars episode 3!

i haven’t been this excited since my last cage match!

we have a few friends in law enforcement.

you ever get the feeling people are watching us work?

zis… it may look like simple clockwork, but… i seenk of it as a map of ze most complex clockwork art, like ze planets. it is not a planetary gear, but i seenk of it as a planetary gear because each thing, like a planet, moves in its place and goes where it should. it is not only a map of ze planets, it is also a map of ze atom! in zis vay, the microcosm is the macrocosm! and phylogeny recapitulates ontology!

that is so creepy!

i feel a total kinship with the guys who made this thing.

it put a dent in a quarter inch of steel.

i’m very pleased. and terrified.

our criminal mastermind has the details.

oh, this sucks. this went from fun to not fun.

is your first name salvatori?

i got the third degree.

my happy-slash-erotic thoughts are puppies licking my face and scantily clad women.

i don’t like people asking me unexpected questions like that. i’ve seen montel. i know how they get people.

_____ and _____ are involved in a steamy affair.

it’s a ballsy plan.

what can i say? i’m not cut out for crime.

i didn’t bring me bikini. did you bring yours?

[driving right past the building] we are looking for… the _____…

that sucks. that sucks!

have you ever ridden on the bus long distance before?

i don’t wanna take this test. can i opt to not take this test?

i think he’s dead.

it’s shiny. it looked like a fun thing to take.

well, looks like we get to take that cross-country trip you’ve been talking about.

i might forgive you, but not for the next two days.

now drop and give me twenty.

c'mon, c'mon, we need to come up with something!

so in all of your eclectic careers, have you ever gone and gotten a pilot’s license?

this is all alien to me.

why’s it telling me not to think?

unfortunately, i died. and all of my passengers and my crew died with me.

hey, it’s like we’re stormchasers!

that’s a bird, dude.

so that’s what they look like inside…

[addressing the beeping computer] what? what? i don’t know what to do?

i– i– i– crashed. i crashed. i landed in some farmland about ten miles out of denver.

adios amigo!

OH SSSSSHHHUCKS!!!

we’re doing point blank! can’t you tell? i’m keanu reeeves!

i have a feeling this will probably be a new high in terrifying moments in my life. 

what are we, like, ten?

[UNINTELLIGIBLE HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING]

I’M ALIIIVEEE!!! I’M AAAALLLIIIIIIIVVVEEE!!!

so get this–

ever since people invented planes, they’ve been wanting to throw themselves out of them.

we’re gonna go to some hot night clubs.

i just gotta remember to breathe, not shit my pants, not pass out, and not scream like a little girl.

______, i’m frightened!

what kind of special treat do you have for me today?

for your sake, i hope so! [maniacal laughter]

are you gonna stay in-character this entire time?

when it comes to magnets, i’m your guy.

it looks like a watch, but it’s not.

it’s really good that we get this chance to bond.

it’s a classic james bond maneuver.

in the words of dr. no: “we never fail, mr. bond.”

i’m sick of these monkey suits.

moneypenny never packed a piece like this!

it’s best not to anger ______ when he’s got a steel girder in his hands.

well, i’m just gonna go for this and hope for the best.

i’m gonna be rc-ing this boat. and then maybe i’ll let _____ sit in it and then let it go out of control.

allow me to demonstrate with secret agent yarn.

anyone else feeling like an evil genius?

today, propane tanks. tomorrow– world domination!

you’ve had your last martini, _______!

as many times as we do this, i don’t get used to how much fun it is.

i mean, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

let’s go get a couple of martinis.

have you lost your damn mind?

cowabunga! let’s rip it up!

i am ready to rip it and– shred some– some stuff. did i say that right?

is it really impossible to fly a lead balloon?

yup, the insurance doesn’t cover that.

robot! i knew it!

ready to hang ten?

how’s he gonna hang ten? he’s got no feet.

you look nervous.

yeah, spank that water!

is it just me, or is he trying to clone himself and make a little army?

the ingeniously named "step 2" is complete.

i still want more... balloon-ness.

if someone says it’s impossible, we just take it as a challenge!

the kids can’t help but destroy their creation.