jbthahustla

[chrispy3]

🌹the rose bride and her prince🗡

[Image Description: A drawing featuring Anthy and Utena from Rebolutionary Girl Utena. They are both on the floor, Utena kneels while Anthy sits. Utena’s back is to the viewer, and She holds one of Anthy’s hands with her arm outstretched. The sword of Dios is stabbed through the both of them, and is covered in blood. More blood is pooled around them, and flows towards the bottom right of the screen. Anthy is holding the sword of Dios with her free hand, gripping it by the blade. She is slumped over Utena’s shoulder, her face covered in hair, only one eye visible that looks up at Utena. At the top corners of the screen there are thorny vines, and the bottom corners have piles of roses. The two of them are lit by a spotlight that casts a shadow on the wall behind them. End Description.]

[camels-pen]

the difference between zosopp and sanuso (romantic OR platonic) is that Usopp is Zoro's specialest little guy and Zoro is someone Usopp hangs out with and looks up to and hides behind when things get scary, but Sanji and Usopp are best friends. They horse around, they beat each other up, they confide their worst fears trying to one up each other. Usopp hides behind Sanji sometimes, sure, but idk, Sanji's weaknesses are more obvious (bugs, fighting women, etc) so there are times when Usopp has to stand in front of Sanji too, yknow?

Like, how do I say this, all the crewmates are equal- Usopp and Zoro are equals- but with Sanji it feels like more... comradery? Zoro's a rock in a terrible storm- even rocks tend to get weathered and chipped and worn down, but they overall stay strong and steady. He has trouble being vulnerable and there are times when the burden he's placed on himself to keep the crew safe is crushing his chest. Usopp would help with that and be very understanding, but the point I'm trying to get with that is that those moments are few and far between. So I feel like Usopp, especially after Water 7, would take Zoro's lead on something like that, and keep most of his worries to himself or only talk about them sparingly unless they're really bad and/or he can't hide them.

Sanji is like a tree in a storm; he can be strong, yes, but it feels like he bends and sways with the storm, and has more obvious breaking points. He can relate more to Usopp's struggles rather than resorting to blunt honesty that might border on callous like Zoro. And while, with Zosopp, I tend to think of scenarios with Zoro being blunt like that as a good thing- because sometimes when you're spiraling, it's nice to have someone say exactly what's great about you and shoot down all your worries with straight facts that you can't argue with- I can also see this as being a bad thing. Anxiety can really twist up your brain sometimes, you know? And despite the words, the tone could still mess someone up if they're already feeling like a burden on others in some way.

With Sanuso it's a lot more understanding and thoughtful words. It's distractions and comfort food and patience- the kind reserved for Usopp- until Usopp talks about whatever's troubling him. Compared to Zosopp, it doesn't take as long for Usopp to open up, since he's done the same thing to Sanji at times and it's more familiar to him to talk and commiserate with Sanji about his worries and doubts and such. However, there are times stuff like this has absolutely no effect and Sanji will end up at a loss, no idea what to do or how to help over the course of several days with Usopp being quiet and keeping his distance, and he'll end up working himself up about it which will only serve to make Usopp feel worse and. yeah. bit of a vicious cycle with them.

So it's like. Usopp can be weak with both of them, but since I see Sanji as the type of guy who'd be more open with his worries (at least compared to Zoro), there's less of a need to 'perform' and be his best self around him. He's comfortable around Zoro, yes, but he is constantly wanting to show that he won't be a problem to him. On the other hand, while he's more open with Sanji, and Sanji with him, they tend to relate a bit too much with each other and they both have issues with causing trouble for others and being 'deserving of love' so failed attempts at consoling one hurts the other and creates an unpleasant cycle of misery and avoidance before some other crewmate (Zoro) tells them to quit being stupid and just fucking talk to each other.

[cconfusedkat]

Wanted to infodump a bit about mystic pursuit Shamura's character :-Dc

So apart from being not only the eldest sibling of the bishops as well as (or really 'used to') being the most intellectual and rational one, things weren't always like that beforehand

Growing up in silk cradle they had heavy expectations being considered a gifted child and a prodigy. Constant stresses back and forth with juggling different tasks, with the most important one of all: the church (cirice).

Shamura grew up in not only just a family who only 'cared' about ther achievements all at 16 years old, but they were very religious to a point where even silk cradle itself was most likely the most religious domain there was out of the other six (including archangelo and columbidae, with their own religions regarding the archangelic sheep and paloma,,)

One day, shamura snapped against the cirice, that no one to this day knew they were the one that burnt the church down. Their pastor was the only one inside the building as well, and they hated him. They didn't know why or what motivated them to burn the cirice down

But boy was it fun for them to get away with something so insane and unexpected of an angry 16 year old who was sooooo calm and peaceful ???????? Riiiight ????????

It was an 'everyday feels the same' type deal that eventually lead them to realize what they did, thus dissapearing for a week into the caverns out of fear their family would imprison them. Their (biological) family never made a guess about it, so they didn't have much to worry about OTHER than that heavy burden they carried over burning down a sacred building,,, oops

When they fled to the caverns and got stuck there just in the same week, that's where they found the purple crown,, the purple crown latched onto their head immediately after shamura placed their claw onto it.

After they return from the caverns with a bunch of bruises on their body as well as a dirtied outfit, their family caught them and scolded shamura. It wasn't until their family actually started to like,, care about them seriously when shamura began to cry from not being able to take their crown off ,, shamura wasnt allowed to have emotions nor were they allowed to express their thoughts without permission (which lead to 16 years of major stress and lack of proper care about themself ,,, being the smartest child with heavy expectations had lead them to not make the smartest decisions for themself ,,, they were very lanky and often extremely tired where they passed out randomly out of forgetting to eat and doing things to . Yknow . Take care of themself)

But with the purple crown.... of both war AND wisdom..... they began to lack the ability to needing to do anything normal for mortals. Thats when their family grew more concerned for them. They didnt need to eat anymore, they didnt need to sleep anymore—hell, they didnt even need to worry about their mental health AND emotions. What good did that all matter when they were an infant bishop recognized by the gods? Everyone was below them now.

Though unfortunately this lead to like. A religious psychosis? If you dont know what religious psychosis is its mainly the hallucinations and beliefs of being the next chosen one,, stuff like that,, they sorta began to grow a god complex from actually having the power of learning all the wisdom in the world along with the art of war

Sometimes they did still miss their old life. Now they were 18 and on the run from their hometown,, eventually just. Bumping into heket and kallamar who found eachother first.

^ (heket ran away from her hometown because there was a voice telling her to meet "someone" who had a dire urge to meet her, while kallamar swam his way out of his hometown because he was trying to swim his way up to the mainlands. The two siblings were the first ever bishops to find eachother)

But if were gonna talk about after indoctrination shamura? They dont remember ANY of this. Not their twisted childhood, not their genocidal bishop form, and not who they were before. Ever since they were born, they've been dying.

Yeahhhh, so ,long story short, the first time they burned down their cirice/church which was sacred, thats where everything went wrong for them 😭 they lost their sanity even more for the millenia they spent away from narinder from locking him away, and being the one to implement the torture/execution method of beheading people,,,

Its not like they completely forgot everything unfortunately,, they often find themself staring at the scars on allures neck and tracing over them ,, allure finds it ticklish and funny that shamura does that but shamura isnt doing that just to like. Get a reaction out of Allure. Theyre doing that because its subconscious and they claim to feel a guilt that they dont know how to describe

Same for narinders scarring on his body; narinder has stitches on his arms, hands, elbows, legs, knees, thighs, tail split into four sections, literally just about everywhere theres stitching for him ,,,,

because on the day of the betrayal , when narinder fell down to his knees and cried for forgiveness after realizing the injuries hes given to his siblings ,,, shamura grabbed narinders scythe of death and proceeded to not only cut off and behead Narinder but they were so angry and no one stopped them that they literally gave him the most brutal death ??????

So shamura still often finds themself tracing their claws over narinders stitching ,,,, narinder didn't like anyone touching him because of the fear hes grown over physical touch but after some years hes managed to grow okay with phys touch ,,, unlike allure who doesnt question them , narinder knows why theyre always so levitant towards any presentation of scars or keloid bumps etc ,, because they cant help but feel melancholic over it

Melancholic is a weird word to use, but its genuinely how they feel ,plus physical touch had managed to be a major love language for them anyways because they often feel lost and feel no sense of direction on a daily

Leshys love language also happens to phys touch !! So as much as shamura scolds him ,they often hold his arm or hand ,,, wondering if that was how it felt to hold little leshys hand again ,,, They still look at leshy like hes a baby 😭😭 ...

Anyways this is their song-andddd i also wanted to make an animatic with the first min and 42 seconds with it soon so >:-]

[actualbird]

The cafe event has gotten me into a polynxx mood lately... Just them getting along together, them praising Vyn for his desserts, Marius who keeps asking for Artem's meals, Vyn & Luke making their dishes match eachother like dear god and them just making sure that Rosa is alright while she's walking all over the place as a waitress!!! Your honor, this is my silly polyamorous investigation group!!!

I'm just finding sm comfort in thinking about them right now spending lots of time together and I can't help but get a stupidly big grin on my face.

Bc they're together a lot (not only in the event but as a team in general) I wonder whether they start noticing eachother's weird or silly little habits (i.e. pretending that they're interrogating and waterboarding someone while pushing dirty dishes down into some soapy water). Or even nice little things they do for eachother (i.e. something like peeling an orange for someone while they're on break).

hi hi creckar!!! and gosh mood about this whole event, im enjoying it so much and it's definitely giving me polyam nxx vibes too hHHHHHHHHH. the entire intro scene was so lighthearted entertaining but also so sweet (im never getting over marius calling the others his friends, THEYRE FRIENDS, YOUR HONOR!!!!) and that bit with artem openly praising vyn's cooking and vyn responding by laughing oh my gosh my heart fluttered, THESE PEOPLE ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY I LOVE THEM AND THEY ALL LOVE EACH OTHER AND //puts on shipping goggles, ARE ALSO IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER

speaking of being in love with stuff, im in love with ur hc in this ask. they so totally would notice each other's habits because 1) aforementioned THEY CARE ABT EACH OTHER SO MUCH and 2) theyre all just naturally very perceptive people, in regards to how much they can realize and note about others.

little things like how mc writes down orders in a certain manner on her notepad, or how luke hums to himself when hes making drinks, or how artem gets this focused glint in his eyes whenever hes in the zone cooking, or how vyn uses his lunch break to take a nap first and foremost before having a munch, or the irony of marius loving ice cream but being very susceptible to brainfreezes. all these little details compound and are noticed, but in a very casual way. it's like getting to know more about each other without even having to speak or talk. im sure once this cafe thing is over, they both know more than they realize about the other team members

i also like to think that some habits get Adopted. like yknow how when people are close, they adopt some habits or quirks of the ones theyre close with? yeah now everybodys little quirks are The NXX Team's Collective Quirks. our quirks now. so sometimes you'll find vyn humming when hes working, or artem trying out mc's notetaking system. sadly, nobody can take the burden of marius' brainfreezes for him though

all in all, im super loving this event, it's so cozy and cute and fun!!! now if only luke's SR card would reveal itself to me early, thatd really make this event perfect.....LHSVFLSD

[bizlyboobo]

GIVE ME THE STARSKATE PROPAGANDA !!!!!!!!!! I SEE U !!!! I LOVE THEM BOTH!!! GIMME UR THOUGHTS ABOUT THEM !!!!!!!

OK HELLO !!!! ANSWERING THIS NOW !!!!

(SPOILERS UP UNTIL UHH. SEASON 2 EP 35? FOR ANYBODY ELSE WHO SEES THIS !!!)

so like. lightspeed is a very special character to me already. she's one of my favorite characters to come from prime defenders i think about her allllll the fuckin time.

the crumbs of this ship started in my brain when we got to see that letter that lightspeed wrote to miss g while she was in the hospital/whatever it was she was staying at. i know it's just a typical like. friendly coworker thing to do but the tone of it all and just. ougughh my love for lightspeed made me think about it way too hard.

lightspeed probably looks up to miss g soso incredibly highly, since miss g was likely the one who invited her to join WATCH and appointed her to the role of one of the sovereign five. i think lightspeed wants to be great, too, and impress miss g. there's this innate kind of admiration she has, but it's overshadowed by her guilt and her grief.

i think both lightspeed and miss g's previous partners are part of what make this ship so like. alluring?? not quite the right word but yknow. just cause lightspeed is haunted by the guilt of not being able to save her previous partner, and miss g is still dealing with her divorce from her husband (comphet lesbian miss g....).

at the core of it, lightspeed wants to carry the world on her shoulders and impress miss g, she wants to do it all and be the perfect hero. miss g likely doesn't want to burden lightspeed further more than she already is, and so she holds herself back. it leads to this weird stand-offish sort of romantic tension. i think lightspeed would kind of linger at miss g's desk, trying to think of things to say, of stuff to fill the silence with so neither of them had to address whatever was happening between them-- cause it isn't exactly romance, but it's surely not just a gal pal thing. yknow??

essentially. they have this weird divorced-but-not-because-they-never-even-got-married energy, and i think a lot of it is just a weird situationship. the kind of thing that neither of them dare to address because it shatters the fragility of such a thing, but their conversations do occasionally go beyond just work and regular small talk, and they definitely dont interact like Just Gal Pals.

and just. ouughh the way it's almost entirely onesided on lightspeed's side is sooo heartbreaking to me. i think red was the one who said like. lightspeed falls in love with miss g, and then bam. giant space meatball. she falls in lvoe with archangel, and then, bam. demon possession. there has never been a happy lesbian in jrwi i fear. jrwi pd tragic yuri.........

[kayakoto-enterprises]

Hi Julianneeee I love seeing ur ship on the self ship tags and im meaning to read beneath the trees so i could understand you two better!! I wanted to ask though why do you almost always draw them cuddling? Don't get me wrong whenever we see it its really soft and nice but i'm just curious why thats so common in ur art.

Don't mind this message though its a lil weirdly worded

Aaah! Hello! Thank you. This is something i wanna talk about so thanks for the platformmm

Julianne is a gift giving and quality time kind of lover. She likes cooking and baking and buying stuff for Sam bc she's scared that anything else wouldn't translate well enough as "love". She's been conditioned to think that. Yknow. Her words are empty and she forgets a lot of things but she doesn't forget her friends' favorite food, flowers, music, etc. She also does her best to engage with their interests bc she feels like shes burdened Everyone with hers. Her needed love lamguage is emotional. To be reassured that she's loving correctly or she's a good person. The jackal in the closet is watching her.

Sam is more of an acts of service and quality time person than anything. She just doesn't feel love as intensely as others in the way its normally felt but it is there. She's consistently making an effort to be reliable and be caring towards people even if it is fake or even if she herself becomes a commodity. She's become detatched from the emotional aspect of love that she can only say she loves you if she uses her hands somewhere. So it's a bit unfair to Julianne when they start dating. She knows Julianne needs emotional support and love but she just can't give it to her as easily bc it will appear fake.

I like to think physical touch is a nice middle ground for them both. I think Sam would be a lot more physical with closer, intimate relationships in a lot more ways. Julianne is Touch Starved. She hasn't been hugged in ages she Needs it. I think it's the thought of Being There that they both want. That it's not empty inside. Plus those two need sleep. Sam works fucking retail. Julianne is an elementary teacher. They need the rest or else there'd be more jackals in closets or paintbuckets with bodies.

[lesbianspeedy]

can I hear about the mia and ollie similarities whenever you have time...

theyre blonde :( thats it :( okay but ACTUALLY LETS GET INTO IT

They're loud assholes to people who need to be yelled at, but theyre actually hella introverted.

Mia "i think fast i talk fast" Dearden will mouth off at villains and batman, and take the piss out of people she loves. BUT she wasn't exactly shown to have like a friend group at her school (she was shown to be popular. but we only see her specifically interact with one person), and was extremely nervous to join the titans, not because they intimidated her, but because she didnt really...want to be there. She'd rather be with people she knows. She spends most of her time practicing archery, even before she was speedy. The only time we ever saw her go out anywhere was on a date with Dodger. And I will be pretending for the sake of this post that all of this is bc of character stuff and not just bad writing!

Similarly, Ollie "goateed loudmouth" Queen thrives when he's alone, he prefers it, he rarely spends time with people outside of his family or close close friends. He'll rant and rave at leaguers and cops and capitalists and villains all day long, but he's at his happiest and most content when he's alone, and often when on the move too, this man cannot sit still he is like a fucking shark he will die if he is in the same place too long but thats unrelated to this post.

As is pretty much a requirement to be in the arrowfam. Neither of them are here to fight the big alien threats you take on while being in the league/titans. They're here to save the little guy and fuck up capitalists. They have both seen the worst of society on the very opposite ends of the spectrum, Ollie with the rich, Mia with those the rich forget or ignore. I don't think I really need to add an example of Ollie here considering thats like his main this if u know anything about him. But look heres mia thinking abt it in her first titans issue.

Now with coping mechanisms they're a lil different, Mia tends to isolate and stay in one place. Ollie will isolate but fuck off somewhere. Accidentally walk to canada. That sorta thing.

(pls ignore how terrifying bald ollie is)

They also both mask their emotions and deflect with humour when around other people, they don't want others to have to deal with their shit, they don't want to burden them (hence the isolation, this also often leads to them imploding in on themselves). Heres my most favourite example of their similarities ever (yes I will continue to post and talk about this specific thing every 3 weeks and no one can stop me) I do owe Hester my life for this

Now heres the best part. They both did this a lot right. And yknow what that led to? Learning and growing and being there for each other :] Now im going to be honest we dont really see this growth in vol 3 bc judd winick is incapable of writing character development but! Phil Hester is here for us once again with his story in the 80th special and this part specifically <3

Also once again a whole arrowfam thing- neither of them give two shits about their secret id lmao. I choose to believe Mia is so flippant about hers bc she so easily realised Ollie was GA that she just went like. Yeah sure I won't give a fuck either, it's clearly working for him.

oh and they both like musical theatre, hate batman and are homophobic**. sad. **not actually thats just an in joke in fandom

[rukafais]

Because I love and agree with your opinions, if you would like to share I am very interested in your thoughts on Vhaeraun

Honestly I think Eilistraee eating up all the page space as the designated 'good goddess' and therefore having to be burdened with the implicit responsibility of having ~all good drow~ really fucked up any page space Vhaeraun could have gotten, which is a huge shame because like, Eilistraee and Vhaeraun are siblings/twins.

There's a massive gap there that both of them could fill based off existing lore and the way Lolth runs her cults; both of them promote community and equality (well, at least when Eilistraee isn't being used for Matriarchy 2: This Time It's Good and Vhaeraun isn't WELL WE MUST CONQUER THE SURFACE AND TAKE SLAVES because he got designated evil twin at birth) and they both could portray different, neglected sides of what it means to be family (Vhaeraun as male parenthood that is often devalued in Lolth cults; Eilistraee being an older sister figure and guardian who protects her siblings rather than perpetuates the cycle of abuse laid down by a parent).

But yknow instead we get The Good One and also The Bad One who gets no lore so like sure alright.

But yeah I really like Vhaeraun, I wish they'd do more with him and actually make him more compatible/synergistic with stuff. Really needs a polish. I think there's some really good potential for the idea of a very active god who is a god of secrets and concealments and shadow, someone who can actively hide you from Lolth's surveillance so any dire secrets you have can stay with you and you can protect your privacy and protect the ones you love. (Also I love his mood ring hair....it's cute....)

[mellowwhumps]

looks at you with my big blue eyes

Do your characters have any cool facts about their hair? Do they represent anything? Hair lore :3

big blue eyed blahaj guy is in my askbox LETS GOOOOOO HELLO LEM!!!! LOVE THIS ASK (check out his writing btw!! very awesome!! he’ll be doing an oc intro post soon as well so stay tuned)

YES!! yes all of them have hair lore it’s so fun i planning out hairstyles that are development-related…it’s so fun. scuffed question btw i know what you are (the correct answer is in my dms as the voice whispering in my ear to write)

also i stole your divider. mwahaha

————☆————

Haley - for the most part he keeps long hair because it’s natural…but because he’s so adamant on it being related to balance, not wanting any external factors to affect his perforrmance in battle, he doesn’t ever cut it. and this is meant to represent a lack of change! 

beyond a certain point he does start exploring other hairstyles even if he still doesn’t cut it, showing how he still is the same, mistakes can’t just be cut off like hair, but he shows an acceptance for growth and moving on!!

and of course i have to mention the braids!! because originally they are also a symbol of the past (with elowen, he braids them because they obscure his face when fighting + elowen is the one who taught him how) but they are also part of ria!! in the end, he is a mishmash of everyone he has ever loved

————☆————

Halcyon - her current hairstyle is extremely screwed up because if you actually imagine it untied one side is much much longer than the other!! and this also does have a part in her story too

because she’s been living on the streets for so long (old oc…generic backstory is a must but she’s so precious to me), her hair just got really really unkempt. split ends, everything, semi-long, and obviously that doesn’t give a good impression. so!! cerilux (her commander/senior) tells her to cut it! and, yknow, typically she would have obliged because she was a heavy people-pleaser…but halfway through she disagrees

and this does show the competence of cerilux for giving her a choice, since this is very important in halcyon’s character development!! since cerilux would have wanted her to have short hair like most of the other male recruits, since that’s the norm. but she wants to make that difference. 

the half that has long hair is sympathy for the others like her, the half that has short hair is the one that wants to protect, the one that, no matter how conformative, is still an act of change.

and of course her hair color! which is a very unnatural kingfisher-feather shape of blue (the bird she was themed off of). but actually the kingfisher’s feathers aren’t blue, but brown! no matter how much she’s idolized as a hero, perhaps, this is still her. she is no queen, unlike the one she serves. she’s just doing her job. but still she’s special, and so many other things that makes others admire her just as it is. in the end, nobody cares.

————☆————

Twelve - in querencia, their hair was LONG. like to the floor long. once again it is so messy. nobody cared about them, at least. but verrill doesn’t care. verrill spends half a day trying to maintain it since he knows they still don’t want to cut it even if they don’t say it. braids it, even, combs fingers through the hair of someone nobody else would touch. he cares so much about them even if that act was dooming them both…ouh

stuff goes down. verrill’s gone. and they still had that braid, really, never did want to fully take it out. they can’t remember why, the phantom of some caring touch in their memory. because no matter how much their memories fault and fade, other things sometimes don’t. by all means, they can’t let go, even if it is a hindrance. 

eventually, it is cut, though!! they don’t want to be burdened by it anymore. it shows their longing for something more, something better, something real.

never mentioned this to anyone before (very old concept), but in querencia, long hair is seen as weak! since it covers skin and makes them look less vulnerable, less free. hair is a confine, and though they do want short hair, they never could ask for it. they were weak before, but now they know how not to be while still being weak. on earth it isn’t the same and will never be the same, because dystopias and utopias aren’t earth.

maybe that’s why they liked emmei in the first place, because emmei gives them a place to be weak and they do the same in return. in the end, they’re both trying to live their own lives.

————☆————

Verrill - once again, long hair in his hometown was seen as weak! and of course he doesn’t want to be that way, so it’s kept mostly short. oh, but that isn’t the case. 

the front part of his hair is still long, still obscuring. he wears a scarf/cape to hide the parts of his neck that aren’t covered. he is not meant to escape. he is not strong enough to escape, despite him having so much compassion in him. he’s shackled.

it’s still hope. he hopes that one day people just will stop caring. one day something will happen, things will change. nothing happens. that’s what drove him to release twelve from their cage.

hope never changed anything for him. because of his act, he causes the downfall of an entire city. nonetheless, his hope does indirectly affect the one person he wants to save semi-positively. selfish, but it’s enough for him. in the end, he’s not a saint or a hero, just verrill. the warmth of the sun in winter, no matter how much it burns.

————☆————

Ria - not much here, actually! but the colors of her hair are dual-toned since she’s essentially a mix of the two kingdoms focused on in the main story!! a symbol of harmony, if you will. blue for hampton, the kingdom by the sea, and brown for irecel, the landlocked kingdom!!

silly fun fact she does the braid for herself because she learnt from watching haley!! while she does learn from him she won’t ever explicitly ask him to help her either, and that’s something that will be worked on :))

she has clips pinning her hair to the side as well because just like haley, she’s cautious on instinct and any threat can and will trigger a fight-or-flight response, so she doesn’t want hair to obstruct at least one of her eyes. but it’s not full coverage, because in the end, she’s still a child and still messes up.

————☆————

Elowen - honestly since his hair is the exact same for the first arc of the au with 🫵lem i have and it’s similar plot i’ll just. use the au LMAO (yes i know you’ve heard this before lem. do i care no i’ll say it again.)

so yes! his braid was originally at the back because that is a remnant of his past! his hair isn’t naturally too curly he just kinda. does it. and straight hair is easier to braid anyways!! but because it resembles a ponytail like naeri’s he just couldn’t wear it like that anymore when he left to form the syndicate.

but he does still keep the braid. because just like haley (or rather haley is just like him) he can’t fully let go of that past. in the original universe he died with the braid at the back because there is no change, he’s as stationary and closed-off as ever, but in this au i do allow him to!! 

and i was thinking that when the timeline ends he goes back to the braid at the back. because no, it’s not that he doesn’t want to change, it’s more of honoring the dead and learning to move on with the past, facing it headfirst and breaking through. in the end, the past does shape the future. which is also why i nicknamed the au ‘futures past’!! once again subject to change but fun fact of the day

————☆————

Ida - woah new ocs i swear i’ll do an intro post soon…anyways!! hard to describe it but yeah it’s undercut hair and yes is it really mello if i don’t try to relate it to identity

because!! he served in the military and the right side of his hair, which is cut, is meant to symbolise his time there! the part of him that he doesn’t know how to deal with, something that he can’t part with because it’s what changed him the most. and the left side of his hair which is left long is meant to symbolise his present! 

my honest thought process was i make this guy look as mascfem as possible because yes he is trans and no i do not know how to write dysphoria whump so this is the second best thing. have fun lem.

and yes! he does have a dark-purple streak in his hair. while he wants to rebel and be different from the others, it is still the purple of auxili’s (the laboratory he works for) logo. just like his entire outfit honestly…in the end, he is forever in control by them!!! he simply cannot escape! and that’s also some sort of screwed up metaphor for his identity as well. and also he’s a foreigner so that’s also symbolism. go get him yuuto 💥

————☆————

Ibys - another new character! ida’s fault this time for their hairstyle!! they refused to let him get close at first, but then one time ida was bored and he just. kind of started doing it. it’s not even out of care or anything, because he will always view ibys as a tool (he has to), but he braids their hair. (and they’re touch starved…)

after that, they just kind of assume that’s what he wants it to be like, so every day they turn up with that exact same hairstyle. ida obviously doesn’t notice because it isn’t really his job to care, as long as they can do their job he doesn’t mind. so that’s just how it is. after everything ends i like to think ida has a good laugh about it

however, as it is, their hairstyle wasn’t very good for seeing. so? solution? headband! since ida doesn’t really want to chop off their hair knowing they’d agree anyway. so now the headband’s just part of their attire.

it’s really symbolic in a sense since it shows their dedication towards him…since the hairstyle is extremely complicated, a mishmash of braids and random accessories, yet they do it every day. ida’s influence on them is extremely large since their last handler wasn’t exactly too kind, and yknow. 

parting hair to braid is just such an extremely intimate thing and for it to be done without any sort of emotion towards it on one side, while sparking the first semblance of freed emotion on the other…well. it’s complicated, but in the end still beneficial.

————☆————

and that’s it!! once again thank you for the ask lem…actually made me think about my characters more that’s crazy

[favvnsongs]

@fischiee @khimkito

lmao im making a separate post rather than tacking it onto the orig bc I don't wanna flood notifications every time I have big feelings about this but. yeah???

literally everything about those two make me so unwell. I'm never not thinking about it. bc the whole. not just having to second hand (or.. third? alpha then epsilon Then wash).. okay so third, I guess. anyways. being essentially subject to the same sort of torture and psychological abuse that alpha was via epsilon? and that on top of the directors original distress over allison? epsilon trying to kill himself inside his head! what tf does that even. bc they really only sort of handwave talk about it. what in the fuck does it actually Mean for an ai implanted in your brain to try and kill itself. and having to keep all of it a secret. for months if not years. the not being able to tell anyone?

(there's a weird sort of somber acknowledgment and tender empathy when it comes to wash and alpha too. bc wash Knows. he knows all of it?? even if alpha doesnt? the distress and insistence and confusion and loss that comes with tex not being at valhalla? 'I know all about her, church' even if church doesnt! even if He doesn't remember, wash does? what a burden that must be. that wash was the last of the team to actually see and speak to and be with church before he and all of the other fragments were erased? what sort of! and there's no justice in it! he gets his ass thrown into prison and then he has to work with whatever tf is left of maine in the Maybe hopes of getting his slate wiped clean.)

the odd fucking bizarre. wash and lina and epsilon and tucker (and caboose but he's a whole other.. im not awake enough to be able to talk about my feelings when it comes to caboose lmao)

but wash was the last person to see alpha. and then epsilon comes back and has no idea who tf tucker is bc caboose just didn't feel the need to. like? in a weird ass roundabout way, wash killed alpha and epsilon got cozy and familial with lina and both wash and tucker are left sorta stranded lmfao.

(and the behind the scenes lina&epsilon dynamic too. we really don't get to see the process of them becoming actually super fond and siblingy with one another but they are?? they went on a quest so lina could kill the director but nope leonard is just a lost defeated broken hearted wreck and that's her Father, at that point. pathetic and hopeless and so so tired. the grief and resignation and acceptance in leaving him to kill himself. epsilon and his bewildered righteous rage. they had that one chat about allison at the end of s10 but obviously there must have been more bc epsilon mentions allison a few times throughout chorus! do they talk about their feelings? does carolina ever get to properly acknowledge and process all her grief?)

like carolina is So Close to epsilon and that has to be so.. disconcerting at times for wash. bc he tried to kill himself while fucking! implanted into his brain! (and ive always figured that there's things wash must Know about carolina and all of her family drama. just as product of epsilon being alpha being leonard. yknow? but it'd also stand to assume that epsilon (and lina, maybe)) Know Things about wash. what sort of secrets do they keep for the sake of maintaining that illusion of privacy and boundaries.

I have stuff to say about tucker too but that might need to wait until after I have a sleep bc asdfghjkl.

[kirby-the-gorb]

reply roundup!

would you believe I was actually planning to do this the very morning the [licorice gorb] got blazed (obviously it was a better idea to put it off until after it was over)

also someone reblogged it with a screencap where it says "blazed by notpikaman" under my username and tbh I am so glad I'm not the only one burdened by that information XD and thank you to everyone who said "good blaze op" or some variant thereof, a high compliment

anyway welcome all you new followers and also folks who just wanted to reblog the one thing and be on your merry way, I do this occasionally so that I actually get to reply to y'all's tags n such <3 (without making a lot of blog clutter)

we also have a couple new image descriptions! thank you to @cherrycreamsicle for the image description on [suitcase] and @istherewifiinhell for the image description on [kirbear]! both have been added as alt text to the original posts, with credit.

on [the last roundup] @cherrycreamsicle said: Hey no worries! Any accessibility is good accessibility! I'm always happy to help! Hope you and your wife are doing well ^_^

thank you! I felt like it was important to acknowledge that putting it in alt text is not as good for some people as putting it in the body of the post, but it is still definitely better to have. (and thank you! she's doing much better now.)

on [watch] @ceylonsilvergirl said: Do it!! Watch repairs!! Those skills are so niche and needed And especially good for people inclined to pay attention to the details

it just seems really fun! I love little mechanical things and building miniatures and stuff like that so it feels like something I'm capable of! (also I can do it at home for only a couple hours at a time and possibly still make money lol)

on [watch] @macro-microcosm said: i hope you guys make big bucks in a lil watch biz some day

thanks! I'm sure I'd badger my beige-loving partner into letting me make at least one of them my signature kirby-pink lol

on [eggroll] @ceylonsilvergirl said: You felt good enough to go out without mobility aids!! You felt that good! That’s fantastic news! Of course use them when you need them, they’re good! But your body was doing well! That’s whats important

yeah!! it's important to me to emphasize to others that it's not the not using the aids it's the feeling well enough to not need to, cuz it's a mistake that's like. pretty common and even popular. (consider "wow this wheelchair user walked the stage at their graduation and was clearly in pain the whole time" type of stuff. the ubiquity of that type of "inspiration porn" has a huge impact on the disabled community, especially because a significant portion of us are exposed to that first rather than the realities of being disabled.) but feeling well even for one day means my body is still capable of feeling well under the right circumstances, and that matters!

on [kirbear] @hobgirl told a nice story I feel weird about copy/pasting directly but yknow it's there in the tags as long as they choose to leave it up

stuff like that is scary, and the doctors and veteran patients know that! I'm glad you had something comforting with you, and that it was able to lead to even more support than just what it carried by itself.

on [printer] @angst-and-fajitas said: every time I've ever interacted with a printer it has always felt like this and @ceylonsilvergirl said: I have yet to meet a printer that will just friggin’ work

honestly like 90% of the time printers work fine and I don't even think about it, but that last 10% of the time feels like Such A Trial that it really dominates the conversation lol

anonymous asked: Happy kirby day mx gorb :>

thank you! this is what reminded me to actually draw kirby a little cake so it was helpful lol

on [licorice] @ceylonsilvergirl added the [link] for the exact candy I was thinking of

so glad they still exist tbh. don't even remember if I've ever had one I'm just glad they exist!

on [meds] @queenhippolyta said: Do you find that the cromolyn helps you? I started it maybe two months ago but haven’t really noticed a difference yet

it seemed helpful for me when recovering/restabilizing from my covid vaccine, which laid me out for months, but there was a lot of other stuff going on and it was more of a, well, stabilizer than an actual boost. I really don't know if it's doing anything for me now as high vs low compliance really doesn't seem to make a causative difference. (there is a correlation, because on bad days it's harder to get up and take it in the middle of the day, but that's like. definitely not causative.) it might be that different dosing would work better for you, or it might be that it just doesn't really help you! mcas is a tricky beast, as we all know. (I hope you actually find this buried in the roundup >n< )

on [corner] @ceylonsilvergirl said: dang kirbo’s on the ceiling again, grab the broom

this one just made me laugh

on [licorice] @thesleepingnini said: hay wanna draw some silly stuff like this again, baka may sponsor ng ipad diyan

good news, I will continue to draw silly stuff again whether I'm paid or not! additional good news, for those who want more specific silly stuff drawn commissions are open on [kofi] for a few more hours (~6 probably depending how long this post takes me to finish)

@sonisis asked: iEs El Kirbo!

it sure is!

on [licorice] @jenjensd said: It’s a good thing they clarified it’s red liquorice because I legit thought they just gave Kirby a super long tongue for some reason

I wouldn't put it past me tbh (which is why I specified XD )

anonymous asked: Hi your Kirbys are very nice

thank you! I love to draw a Little Guy

on [crowd] @ceylonsilvergirl said: Like when you’re singing to yourself, and then realize people can see you

whoops you've activated one of my fun facts! whenever I am Out And About by myself (which is very very rare these days What With The Illness), I am almost always singing. I am completely comfortable singing at full volume at any time and any place (aside from general noise decorum such as "not in the library" and "not while my wife is sleeping"). so I have not had this specific version of this problem in my lifetime lol

anonymous asked: “Art” that a four year old could do? Don’t quit that day job at target.

look ma, my first anon hate! I'm big time now!

for real though, like, I wanna answer this one kinda seriously even though I'm sure this was just a driveby, because I know it's a common insecurity. why are you upset? if anyone can do it, why shouldn't I? why aren't you?

I make very very very little money from this blog (I even looked up the numbers, in the nearly 5 years I've been doing this I've made a total of ~$1650 to date), but that's because I'm really not putting in effort to make it ~profitable~. my patreon is has no rewards and my commissions are closed (except for literally right now), I only put very rare purposefully designed products on my print-on-demand stores and I haven't made my own stickers to sell in over a year. so if you're mad about people giving me money, don't be. even if you very very conservatively assume only 10 minutes per drawing and also zero other time put into running this blog, that's bare minimum 295 hours I've put into this. in reality it's going to be way way higher than that, but even if you assume I'm only drawing 10 minutes a day for 1771 days and I'm only drawing with no other admin etc, that's only $5.50 an hour, or about $0.93 per drawing.

part of why I don't put in the effort to make it ~profitable~ is because I can't. when my patreon had actual rewards and my commissions were always open and I was still making stickers, that took a ton of energy, and yes it made me a little more money than I'm getting right now, those two years are the period of time the majority of it came from, but it was energy I don't have. I'm disabled, severely chronically ill, and very vocal about it. I don't have a day job to quit because I physically can't do that. but that's also why I can't put in the energy to make this blog a ~business~, and even when I was putting in more energy than I actually had, it was not exactly big returns. I think the biggest most profitable year was like. $800. for the whole year. I made 5 times that doing data entry for a couple hours a week before that company shut down the same year, and the data entry was easier.

so okay, I'm not doing it for the money. (money sure would be nice to have, and I appreciate the patrons who stick around just cuz and the commissions that got picked up this week, but clearly that's not my motivation because there's not much money in running this blog.) then why should I bother?

because making stuff is fun. I get to draw silly little things that make me happy and sometimes other people like them too. that's it. what's the harm in that?

[pretendstoread]

i smoked a cigarette and i wasnt even that drunk

there were a few things i wanted to write about today but theyre lost to me now and i wish i at least wrote down the general Idea. but i've at least noticed that ive been actively Indulging in more...taboo? things i wouldn't normally or were too scared to try. i've smoked two cigarettes this summer (woah!), had two shroom trips (WOAH!), had sex with a man for the first time (JEEZ!!), i'm smoking weed more often (hmmm....), and i'm thinking of testing the waters with (recreational?) adderall. this is not to say that i'm going downhill, or self sabotaging, or actively trying to harm myself and others. in fact, i quite like this sort of indulgence i'm in. let me do some unhealthy things right now. i don't think i Deserve it but i just....idk...i kinda need it?

i've always been in this need for control--to have it, to be in it. it's very hard to do new things that way because i don't know what i'm getting into. i'm at the whimsy of the uncomfortable zone. i focus too much on the potential negative of a situation: i'm going to have a bad trip, i'm going to make a bad drawing, i'm going to humiliate myself because i am New To This. and that's where i lack grace and freedom and embracing the Fun of being new.

it sucks that being new at something, trying new things, meeting new people, putting yourself out there in some capacity makes me feel like a burden. if i'm not the responsibility of someone else (i.e. a supervising coworker, a babysitting friend, an experienced lover) then i'm a burden to my own ego. even if i'm alone in my room trying to shake my ass i still feel incredibly embarrassed by my own reflection. seeing such failure (seeing my own body) is maybe worse than sharing it with someone else. there's a humor in that vulnerability that brings me closer to whoever i'm sharing that with: coughing while smoking a cig, readjusting on a dick, spilling a nutcracker in your hair while tripping on the beach are all moments that, while silly and messy and unprepared, bring me closer with the person on the other side of that. it shows a little bit of humanity and humility.

that is not extended to moments with myself though. i dont really know how to fully explain it. maybe it's some degree of not being comfortable with myself or perfectionist problems i have and self-perception etc etc etc. but have you ever failed yourself so hard you don't even want to try again? there is no one else to laugh along with you or reassure you or empathize. when i fail myself, I Fail Myself. yknow? ehhh not really something i want to think about further.

random things i have Happy Feelings for:

came home last night after being in a weed comatose at nat's and hammered nails into my walls so i can hang my belts. it was a random spurt of energy that got something i wanted done but for some reason never tried to do in my free time (i realize i am wayyyyy too adaptable to my own traps of inconvenience. i put the bag of toiletries in my room to Force Me to unpack them and ultimately left it in the way for a couple weeks before just stuffing the whole bag in the closet.)

really liked todays episode of the sopranos: s1e12. junior and tony both deal with mortality in different ways. not much more to say on it right now

also between this episode ^ (isabella the madonna hallucination), honestly themes of the show in general, and watching contrapoints content i've gotten a little interested in reading more about freud LOL. he kinda makes a lot of points??? like we all know this we're just freaked out about the mommy sex stuff. there's a tangent contra video on gamergate and an article she sourced talked about Gamers feeling threatened about their Space, their Games, being taken away by The Woke Mob--AKA women, aka MOMMY. the looming fear of mom coming in your room and saying it's time to stop playing. getting grounded and no video games for a week. mom said it's my turn to use the xbox. that fear recurring in these sad adult men being forced to look at their own flaws. their lack of perspective. stupid sluts coming in and ruining the fun, taking away our games. i found that psychoanalytic perspective reallllllyyyyy interesting

finding a new perspective on chores and self care: there's no rush with it. this is not a thing that needs to be Taken Care Of right this second. my whole evening should be dedicated to doing things on My Terms. i spend 40 hours of my week, every week, doing things on another entity's terms. i do shit when i wanna!!!! and it's for ME!!!!

[relaxxattack]

hi! it's me :) fic rec anon. things have been hard lately so i have some more stuff to recommend bc it makes me feel better. uh, this one's mostly a like, grab bag of stuff? miscellany yknow. let's get into it (also if i have any repeats of stuff you've rec'd here before then Whoops)

pilot light, pale rapture is a post-game fic about jade and her Issues. jade/davepeta. has some excellent jane work in there and is meant to imply june pre-transition. i'd also like to recommend this author's other work, including the collected works of the originators, and the fanventure kittyquest which you can find on mspfa. both the collected works and kittyquest are about a richly detailed take on earth C, with accompanying myths; kitty quest is about jade and davepeta's daughter kitty harley-leider. very very good.

estrogamer girl is about trans girl roxy! very sweet. gen.

METHODOLOGY AND INTERPRETIVE "RECORD" OF SOULBOT WRECK AA109.23J2 – [DRAFT] is about a post-game grad student accessing the wreckage of one of aradia's soulbots postcanon, and experiencing the feelings of a doomed timeline's aradia. ararezi, outsider pov.

who could ask you to be unbroken or brave again is a fic about rose and vriska talking about trauma and child abuse post-canon. gen.

Metronome of a Night Queen's Heart and Other Unused Romance Novel Names is a fic in which kanaya asks dave to be her bloodbag after becoming a vampire, causing rosemary and davekat misunderstandings. rosemary and davekat.

Jade: Endure is about what it would have been like for jade to grow up with her corpse in her own house. short and very good. gen.

grant me wings that i might fly is about jade english raising jake english up to her eventual death. very good. gen.

DIRK TAKES A PISS is , okay listen i know from that title oyou might be like, fic rec anon, What are you recommending to me BUT LSITEN ITS ABOUT DIRK ACCIDENTALLY DROPPING HIS PACKER ON THE FLOOR OF A BATHROOM AND GETTING MEET CUTE'D. it's good. okay. dirkjake.

one more night (your ex-lover remains dead) is a junejasprose fic about trauma and what it means to be a rose left behind. if you're going to read ANY jasprose fic you have to read this one it's literally iconic to me and changed the way i see her forever. junejasprose.

Light Without Effulgence is a jake & rose friendship manifesto and it is HILARIOUS. "rose, you gather, is like dirk if he were a woman and capable of being happy" like that's hilarious to me. gen.

Bitter is a fancomic about jade and rose and i'm not going to spoil the surprise of what it's about but it's DELICIOUS. jaderose.

CHARGING THE VOID is a space opera roserezi au with hints of vrisrezi left behind and also both rose and terezi are trans and also it's DELICIOUS like i can't even say anything about it. if anyone has read baru cormorant and is familiar with it it's like that. roserezi, unlike pretty much anything else i've recced here it DOES have a sex scene so if you're uncomfortable with that it's not for you.

think about staying alive is a kidswap au! about rose strider my favorite kidswap <3 gen.

Postscript is about rosefef, rebellion au, being the last two left alive carrying out a rebellion against the condesce. rosefef.

Transperience is about calliope and the trans experience! fancomic, gen. very good.

goddess is about june egbert coming out! can you tell i'm a june egbert Believer gsdlkjfsakldj it's gotten to the point it's hard to read fic where she's called john lmao

I'm Hoping One Day Acting Cool Will Make Me Feel More Self Assured is about kanaya maryam and the burdens of being assigned mom friend. rosemary. also she and rose have a long furby.

we are the reckless is a space opera au in which vriska's a pirate captain and aradia's a helmsman. i love the blackrom in this. aravris.

i think this is enough for rn. have fun!

AND WHEN THE WORLD NEEDED THEM MOST…

THEY RETURNED!!!

thank you so much!!!!! these all look very fun and it’s definitely appreciated TwT and kind of you!!! 💞💞💞

[roobylavender]

If you could take over Bruce’s canon, starting at any point in continuity with full creative freedom, where would you start & what would you do w mr. batsie??

admittedly there are small nitpicky problems i have with the rucka collective of no man's land / murderer / fugitive (which i am in the slow.. grueling.. process of rereading so i can gather my thoughts more conclusively bc i truly don't remember shite) but i feel like the conclusion to those arcs is where i would pick up. and ideally main things i would want to explore are like

under the red hood stuff but rewritten the way i have talked about it: talia kills the joker / talia breaks the red hood mask and effectively ends the identity / jason goes to stay with leslie thompkins so he can start reassessing his life / talia reveals to bruce the depth of her (well-intentioned) lies re: jason, which can also set the stage for her ultimately selling lex corp to him for pennies / bruce and jason start to (awkwardly) rebuild not as batman and robin but as bruce and jason, within the sphere of leslie's clinic / etcccc

search for damian once it's revealed that ra's killed his adoptive parents and has taken him under his wing. obv have talked before about how such an arc would be of import to damian bc of like the reversal of the robin phenomenon and needing to decide whether or not he wants to impose the same burden of duty upon himself that his parents do upon themselves. but i would also ideally want to use this as an arc to explore the relationships ra's has with bruce and talia too like the strained parental relationship there has a lot of potential and i've talked about it wrt talia obv but with bruce it's very underscored and idk i wish they had a proper arc about them and what they could have been to each other by way of father and son yknow. so this would definitely tie into that. and it would end with ra's living in wayne manor near broken from the strain of all of his self imposed ego and isolation and anger but with a small sliver of hope there for something to heal in the last years of his life. they'll play chess together and trade endearing taunts and quips and damian will be there on the weekends from talia's place like god the men in my family are such weirdos. i hope i never turn out like them (but he will. we all know he will)

somewhere in the midst of all of this i def want cass and steph to be increasingly impt presences in bruce's life like to me.. they have to be the ones who signify hope for the mythos. there is a unique humanity and persistent belief in goodness that both girls possess that to me should circle back to why bruce started this in the first place: pure, simple belief. idealism. the whole reason any of them are heroes in the first place

also like just more of a return to why bruce wayne as an identity and means for change is so endlessly impt. that's the good thing about those rucka arcs is the aim is to bring it all back to bruce wayne so carrying that in stride and exploring more of what he does as bruce wayne would be very impt. whether that's through reconciling with and learning more from jason or through his increased exposure to selina's world or through his friendship with barbara and understanding the things she's had to put aside in order to fulfill this role in the watchtower etc etc. so many of his relationships with people are built on his capacity for empathy as bruce wayne the man, the human being. so it would be nice to actually capitalize on that

and ultimately i would want to take it to the natural conclusion. death. hush is the stupidest arc ever to me but my one takeaway from it is wondering why loeb chose to create this entirely new character whose neurosis was centered around his indignance over bruce's identity when he could literally have accomplished all of this with two face. like hello sir you even wrote the long halloween and hush was supposed to act like a sequel to it so why did you do this.. but anyway. i think somehow harvey should find out bruce's identity and descend into hysteria bc of the betrayal and entailed emotional crisis of it all and then wake up one day and walk over to the manor totally normal totally nonchalant and act like he's a changed man or whatever bc now he knows who batman, his best friend, his confidant, was, and he wants to believe in bruce wayne. and bc bruce is always one for compassion and second chances he lets him in. and then harvey blows them up together (logistics and detection systems wise we can figure this out later. xoxo)

this is probably where i would do dick closure like i know it's sick to do the whole child achieves closure re: their strained relationship with a parent in death but idk i'm obsessed with it personally like i want to explore dick who has worked so hard to build a life for himself outside of bruce and bruce not stopping him from doing so but that only driving a wedge further between them bc even if dick has always wanted to be independent he has also always wanted to be acknowledged as bruce's equal.. and having to contend with whether you feel like you've ultimately been given that or not in the end would be kinda crazy yknow. good opportunity to see what bruce has written for each of his kids but esp dick in his will but like executed way better and on a more personable level than whatever shite that was in battle for the cowl. something as simple as bruce expressing his individual love and pride for each of his children bc at the end of the day all he ever wanted for any of them to be was happy and that's why he progressively took upon all burdens even if it subsequently drove them further away bc they felt like they weren't of enough use. and idk from there just yknow your standard fare contention with grief and moving on bc that's all you can do. and maybe that's where you see the bat fam really become something. bc they're finally united in that ideal bruce wanted to follow so long ago and they know what has to change going forward and in what ways they can be and have to be better. idkkk this is so corny i'm sorry i love well done tragicorn

[crash-cinematic-universe]

tiger lilies, self destructing, and richard siken

pairing: peter maximoff/reader

summary: to peter maximoff, love is an anomaly that scares him more than anything else. however, you might be able to help him overcome his fear.

warnings: language! but that’s about it. kind of cheesy at some points but yknow what im not lactose intolerant

notes: this is the monsterous fic thats been kicking my ass this past week (6.2k words babey!!!) i was originally going to add ~~steamy~~ section to this one but i decided against it to make it readable for those who don’t wanna see that kind of stuff. if you want me to separately publish that then just lmk!!  (if any of yall wanna talk about richard siken to me then please do, his work is so good)

taglist: @stranger-names ,  @gooseyhouse , @parkersdarling​ 

1. 

To Peter Maximoff, physical affection has always been a touchy subject-- no pun intended. His speed is a blessing, but also a bitter curse. He moves at the speed of sound, bouncing off the walls and tearing up the roads; he moves impossibly fast, and no one ever tries to catch up with him. People get tired of Peter rather quickly, not bothering to get attached to him when they know they can’t keep up. 

That’s why it’s so jarringly startling when you decide to stick around. When faced with the grand decision of throwing in the towel and leaving Peter behind or sticking around and trying your best, you chose the latter. It was surprising, to say the least. Peter waited patiently for the distance between the two of you to start growing; he waited for the void you once filled to open up again. However, the void never emptied, and the distance never grew. 

To anyone else, this would be a wonderful experience. Knowing that you wouldn’t be left behind or forgotten about would be comforting to anyone else in Peter’s position. However, this did the exact opposite for Peter. He wasn’t comforted or relaxed, on the contrary, he was always on edge. The future was cruel, and the mystery of it all felt like torture. 

To quote the great Richard Silken, “Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.” Peter lived and breathed by this ideology, that everyone he loves would have to leave eventually, whether it be by their own volition or not. It was obvious that you didn’t plan on abandoning ship anytime soon, so Peter decided he’d take matters into his own hands. If you weren’t going to be the first one to walk away, then he’d be the one to run away from you. He soon came to learn that loneliness was at its most bitter when you’ve come to taste the sweetness of love. 

Love was a strange, complicated beast that Peter Maximoff had never dealt with before. If he were to be completely honest, love scared him. It scared him more than dying scared him. To Peter, death was an escape. Death was the end of a tiring journey, it was safe and simple and easy. Love was the opposite, it was the mouth of a dragon and the edge of a blade. It was the beginning to something so fragile and powerful, something that could end in flames. 

Peter realized he loved you on a summer afternoon. The sun was shining and you were in the shade. He sat down next to you, and within minutes Kurt and Ororo appeared at your side. They seemed so put together, so sure and strong. Peter felt out of place-- he felt as if he were standing outside of a cabin looking in through the window at your wonderful friendships. He watched with his nose pressed against the glass as you walked across the room and opened the cabin door to let him in. 

Peter realized he was in love with you in the middle of the night. A thunderstorm raged outside the mansion walls and raindrops kept time as Peter walked down the hallway. You were sitting on the floor of the common room next to a dying fire, a book clenched tightly in your hands. For a moment, he just stood against a wall and watched you. As creepy as he felt, a part of him believed he’d ruin your night by making himself known. He was okay with being a fly on the wall if it meant he’d get to see you. Peter wondered if there was a world where he had the pleasure of knowing you, without you having the burden of knowing him. 

Still, you saw him. And you knew him. And you waved him over with a smile. He felt the urge to run, to leave you here alone with yourself, but he stayed put. Then, one step at a time, he moved forward. He got closer and closer before he found himself standing at your feet. 

“You’re welcome to stay,” you told him. He believed it. Peter sat down next to you, letting his shoulder brush against yours.

“What’re you reading?” He asked. Peter already knew what you were reading, he read the cover of the book the moment he sat down, but he still wanted to hear it from you.

“Crush by Richard Siken,”

“Oh. What’s it about?” Peter already knew what it was about. He’d read it at least fifty times.

“It’s kind of hard to explain. I’d much rather just read it to you and let you decide for yourself,” Peter’s stupid little heart lurched, and he almost cried at the thought. He held it together, though. 

“That would be nice,” He said softly. 

“Sorry about all the writing in the margins, I can’t help myself sometimes.” Peter scanned the sides of the pages, marveling at your notes. Some of them were reactions, littered with exclamation points and question marks and bold letters. Some of them were underlined phrases and little doodles-- most notably a little drawing of a chameleon on a tiger lily. He loved them.

“It’s okay. Literature is meant to be marked up-- what’s the point of reading if you don’t get to share the love?”

“That’s a good point,” You grinned. Then, the reading began, and you allowed Peter to rest his head on your shoulder as you read to him. Even though he’d heard the poems a billion times by now, they sounded brand new coming from you. He listened closely. You were arriving at his favorite part, “You are Jeff” section 24. 

“You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you...” You read on, not noticing the way Peter’s eyes had shifted from the book you were holding to your face. Peter’s mind wanders, and he curses himself for missing the lines you were reading “... You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.” 

Peter felt like he was going to cry. You kept reading and he kept looking. It was getting late, and Peter was getting tired. Your voice had softened and slowed, and the fire that was burning in the fireplace had all but died. Peter was the one that fell asleep first, and you followed closely after. Both of you had lingering smiles on your faces. 

2. 

Intimacy is an odd thing, isn’t it? Thinking critically, intimacy is just vulnerability with more layers. It’s the closeness between people, it’s allowing yourself to connect with someone you care about. It’s stripping yourself down to muscle and bone and hoping the other person doesn’t let you bleed out. It’s a level of trust that is more than closing your eyes and falling backwards; it’s closing your eyes and letting them push you over the edge into the unknown, and trusting them enough to know you’ll be okay when you hit the ground.

It didn’t take long for Peter to realize that he had trouble with being intimate with other people. Too many times had trusted someone to push him over the edge, only to realize he’d be shattered when he hits the ground. After that, he decided intimacy was overrated. It’s not like anyone was going to have that kind of relationship with him, anyway. 

Of course, then you came along and uprooted his entire worldview, like you had with everything else. He found himself thinking about you at every waking moment, which inevitably led to him… thinking about you at every waking moment, if you catch my drift. Sure, intimacy involves more than just physical intimacy, but Peter knows he can’t ignore the feeling that rises in his stomach whenever he’s around you. For the first year or so of your relationship, Peter became very familiar with the feeling of an ice-cold shower. 

What Peter didn’t take into consideration was you. For some reason, Peter struggled to understand the fact that you were just as attracted to him as he was attracted to you. It was no secret that Peter was insecure, but he never really realized how much his insecurity affected his relationships. If he couldn’t love himself, how could anyone else? Peter is the only one who gets to see his persona in its truest form, and every time he has to avert his eyes. It’s safe to say his physical appearance has been the cause of very many painful-- and occasionally tear-filled-- sleepless nights. 

He told you this. He told you everything. He told you about Erik, he told you about his childhood, he told you about everything he loved and hated and feared and yearned for. That ordeal alone was scary enough, knowing that at any moment you could decide you didn’t want to deal with him anymore, but as always, you stuck around. You told him everything. You told him about your family and your struggles. You told him about everything you loved and hated and feared and yearned for, and not once did Peter even think that he wanted to walk away. This is the kind of intimacy that, over the years, Peter had struggled with less and less.

Still, it was the sexual aspect of intimacy that freaked him out. It was a beast he’d never dealt with, a feat he’d never faced. That being said, as every day went by Peter became more and more… frustrated. He didn’t know how to approach the subject, so he'd just let the subject approach him and wing it. 

And as he sat on his bed watching as you twirled around to Tears for Fears “Everybody Wants To Rule The World”, Peter realized he didn’t have much to worry about. 

“Dance with me, dollface,” you laughed, reaching out for him. You looked like someone straight out of a movie, the lim blue light coming from Peter’s arcade machines illuminating a halo above your head. You put Molly Ringwald and Emilio Estevez to shame. Peter took your hand, grinning like an idiot as you twirled him around. 

There he was, dancing in his mother’s basement with his favorite person in the entire world. He wasn’t a great dancer, and neither were you, but that didn’t matter. Peter was dreading this visit-- he hated the idea of being back in the basement that made him feel like a failure. But you assured him that you’d be there with him, and that getting to see his family would make it all worth it. His family isn’t what made it worth it, though. 

“Brain Damage” by Pink Floyd came next, slower and a bit more somber, but still danceable. Your arms shifted to around his neck, pulling him closer than he already was. Somehow, you ended up with your back against the wall as the song came to a close. He kissed your forehead, then your cheek, then your lips.

“I love you,” Peter spoke softly. This was a small victory-- he’d been so scared of the mere idea of loving someone. You were the only one who got to hear his love confessions. They were for you, and for you only.

“I love you too,” Peter would never, ever get tired of hearing that. Knowing that you love him is enough to keep him going for a hundred years. And he knows the odds, he knows that love is rocky and painful as much as it is beautiful. He knows that love can feel sweet in the beginning and go sour overtime. He knows that first, second, third relationships don’t always work out. But he thinks this is going to work out. And Peter doesn’t think this will ever go sour. Maybe that’s his blissful ignorance talking, maybe he’s jinxing it, but at this moment, he doesn’t care. Right now he is at his happiest, at his most content. 

“You wanna watch a movie?” You asked softly, pecking Peter on the cheek. He could feel the warmth radiating off of you, and Peter grinned. In an instant the tv across the room began playing the opening credits to the first movie that popped into his head. 

“The Breakfast Club?” You questioned. Peter shrugged.

“What can I say, I’m a sucker for a good coming-of-age kind of movie,”

You sat against the headboard of Peter’s bed, allowing Peter to settle beside you. Your head rested on his shoulder, and he was quick to grab your hand. Peter loved the closeness. Over the past year, he’d come to realize he was a very affectionate person. Previously, Peter hadn’t known soft, physical love; the only time anyone would ever touch him would be as punishment or defense, not love. Love. Peter had gotten more comfortable with the idea of love, because when he thinks of love he thinks of you.

3. 

Every good story has a villain. A villain that you love to hate, or hate to love. A villain you can sympathize with, a villain you can’t excuse, a villain that the mere mention of makes you sick to your stomach. An unexpected villain. An obvious villain. A villain that’s just trying his goddamn best. Sometimes the villain is defeated, sometimes the villain changes their evil ways. Sometimes the villain dies and the crowd cheers. 

Peter Maximoff never thought he’d be the villain of his own story. He tried his hardest to be a good person, but there was always that side of him that made him afraid. He was like an explosive; whenever someone got too close, he’d detonate and destroy everything around him. It was a self-defense tactic, albeit counterproductive. 

It killed you to see him that way. He told you about the relationships he’d lost to himself. He told you about the abandonment and the loneliness. It broke your heart. He tried to distract himself, drowning himself in work so he’d never have the opportunity to ruin what he had with you. Peter Maximoff was a walnut tree; every time he planted his roots and began to grow, he’d kill anything that grew too close. However, the constant working started to wear Peter down.

It started with the late nights. He’d collapse next to you at four AM, knocking out the minute his head hit the pillow. Still, he’d be awake before you were, already scrambling around trying to complete various tasks. He was like a machine that was running from it’s problems. The late nights turned to all-nighters, and the few hours Peter managed to salvage set aside for sleep had shrunk to a few minutes at a time. He didn’t eat anything with even a hint of nutritional value. At this rate, he was going to work himself to death. 

The worst part? Peter knew what he was doing. He wasn’t stupid. He just needed to shut up the little voice in his head that urged him to act out. The entirety of his childhood, Peter destroyed what he created. The need to be isolated, the feeling that he deserves to be alone spread throughout his body like a cancer. He locked himself away in the basement, trying desperately to stay out of everyone’s way so they wouldn’t shut him out. People tried to coerce him out of his cave, to pull him out of the bottomless pit he threw himself into. Peter saw them as the sirens trying to lure him into the ocean of loneliness, and he wasn’t going to fall for it. In his eyes, anyone who tried to help him were the villains of his amazing, heroic tale. Fortunately for him, one by one, they started to give up on helping him. They thought he was a lost cause; a fucking loser who was destined to wallow in his own self-pity until he died. At first, this was a triumph. He defeated them, he outwitted the sphinx and slayed the dragon. But a part of him hated himself for becoming the worst-case scenario that every parent feared their child would grow up to be. 

He pulled himself out of his pit and back onto his feet, all by himself. It was hell on Earth, but he did it. That cancerous feeling of uselessness retracted back into itself, now residing in the place next to Peter’s heart. However, that horrifying fear of becoming a burden began to grow again, this time when Peter was in his mid-20s. He began to overcompensate, and that led him to where he was; always on the brink of collapse, running on nothing but coffee and twenty minutes of sleep. In return, Peter got to have friends. In his mind, that was fair. In your mind? Not even close.

You managed to catch him in his bedroom as he was in the midst of simultaneously scribbling in a notebook and reading an open novel. Peter Maximoff would always be the most beautiful person in the world in your eyes, but at that moment, he looked like hell. Your plan seemed foolproof, but then again, you weren’t sure what you were walking into. Lately, Peter didn’t seem like himself. Probably because of the lack of sleep. 

“Peter?” He looked up at you, eyes half-lidded. “I got you something.”

“You did?” A sleepy smile was all he could muster, but that was google enough for you.  

“I did. It’s to mark exactly three years since I first met you,” you sat down on his bed, placing the small wrapped book right next to you. Peter glanced at the calendar on the wall-- oh god, you were right. It’s been three years to the day and he forgot. He deserves the title of “World’s Worst Boyfriend”. Scott will probably be upset that he’s losing his title.

 “What’re you up to?”

“Finishing up some old work I’ve been putting off,” he punctuated his sentence with a yawn. “Some of my old work and some of Hank’s, too.” “Why are you doing Hank’s work?”

“He seemed stressed about something, thought I might help clear his head,” The sentiment is sweet, you’ll give him that.

“Alright, well, can we talk for a minute?” Alarm bells went off in Peter’s brain. There has never, in the history of the universe, been a good conversation that started with ‘can we talk for a minute?’ or any of it’s cruel variants. 

“Actually, I’m kind of busy right now, can this wait?” It was obvious that the answer to that was no, but still, he felt the need to ask. 

“Not really, no. It’s important.” Peter saw the next few seconds playing out in his head. The inevitable had come to fruition; you realized that you could do better, and now you were cutting him loose. He couldn’t blame you, not really, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to rip him to shreds. He realized that whatever you brought for him was most likely a parting gift. How sweet.

“Oh. Alright.” 

“Well, I’m going to give it to you straight,” you sighed. “I’m worried about you, Peter.”

Oh. He’s heard this speech before, he knows the spiel. He can vaguely recall a guidance counselor telling him the exact same thing before Peter decided to call him a slew of expletives. The tar pit in his chest began to grow.

“I’m fine.” This was a lie. The first lie in a long chain of lies that Peter was about to tell to you, his favorite person in the world. He loved you, but in that moment his vision clouded over. You weren’t the person he loved and cherished anymore, no, you were just another faceless blur that provided a temporary escape. 

“Really? I feel like you’re pushing everyone away, you’re pushing me away.” Peter was becoming more and more irritated by the second.

“I told you, I’m fine. I’m not pushing you away. 

“Don’t lie to me,” your voice is firm and unwavering. “You don’t sleep, you almost never eat-- I don’t think I’ve seen you stand still for more than three minutes once in the past month--”

“That’s just how I am,” Peter huffs. He wanted this conversation to be over. “That’s not your problem.”

“Your wellbeing is my problem, Peter, that’s the whole point of being friends with someone. Even more so now, because you’re my partner and I care about you--” 

“Then stop,” Peter rolled his eyes. He's more irritable than normal-- most likely because he hasn’t slept in days. He could almost feel the venomous arms of isolation creeping around him. It’s a sick pattern, he knows; every time someone gets close to him, he feels the need to self-destruct before they lose interest. Even now, even after all this time, Peter’s still powerless against the poison in his veins. 

“What?” You’re losing your reserve and your stature. He can tell. You’re slouching and picking at the cuticles on your thumb. It’s almost as if he’s been shoved into the back seat, and is now being forced to watch as a stranger takes the wheel and crashes the car. So much frustration, so much hurt, and it’s all coming out right now, onto you. Peter already regrets this entire interaction, but still, he manages to spit acid. 

“Stop caring. Just leave, I know you want to. I know every night, you lie awake and think about all the different ways you can leave me in the dust. Not that it would matter to me.” This is another lie. Your eyes flash with hurt, but you stay put. You know he’s just being an asshole because he’s exhausted and too stubborn to admit that you’re right. He’s egging you on intentionally, trying to get you to snap and walk away. 

 “Peter, god, I love you but sometimes you can be so...”

“So what? C’mon, be honest with me,” He huffed. 

“Frustrating,” You surrendered. The poise you once held was gone. “I know it isn’t your fault-- I know you’ve trusted so many people so deeply and been betrayed or sold out and I know you’ve loved so many times and been thrown to the curb without a second thought. But I don’t know what I can do to convince you that I’m here for you, and that I love you. I’ve tried everything, and it feels like I’m talking to a brick wall. I want to make this work, but I need you to work with me.” It’s evident in your voice that you’re desperate. You’re just hoping you’ll get through to him, somehow. “I need you to want it as bad as I do-- hell, I need you to want it at all.” Here it comes--

“You ever think, maybe, I just don’t want you to be that person for me? I’ve spent my life being independent, my entire existence so far has been built around the fact that I’m going to end up alone. People come and people go-- people like you and Charles-- and they tell me they care. They tell me that they love me and that they're here for me. And then they get tired of me and they leave. I wish that you would just leave me the fuck alone and let me live in solitude,” There it was. The lie to end all lies. The words tasted awful coming out of his mouth, and the whole ordeal left his mouth tasting very… sour. Peter had to look away, he couldn’t look at the expression on your face.

“Fine. If that’s what you want.” Your eyes never met his, but you paused before you exited the room. “I know you’re probably just… I don’t know, going through something, but you’re being an asshole. Don’t talk to me until you’ve sorted your shit out. Enjoy your solitude.” You left the room impossibly fast, your fists clenched so tightly Peter feared that your nails would break the skin on your palms. He struggled to keep it together-- why the fuck did he do that? 

Peter collapsed onto his bed, and it’s only then that he realized you left behind the gift you got him. A part of him thought he should return it to you, but the other part of him urged for it to be opened. He tore the wrapping paper off before he realized what he was doing. The hardcover book the wrapping paper concealed was handbound, the cover littered with your beautifully familiar handwriting. In big, bold letters The Best of Poetry in the Humble Opinion of Y/n L/n was scrawled at the top. 

Peter vividly remembers a late night you spent talking to him. You told him about your favorite poems, outlining each and every little detail you loved about them. Some of them he’d read already, some of them he hadn’t, but all of them sounded like artwork coming from you. He opened the front cover, and you’d written something else on the inside. 

“In the words of the wonderful Peter Maximoff, ‘What’s the point of reading if you don’t get to share the love?’. This is me, sharing the love.” 

Carefully, Peter opened to a random page in the book. He saw the notes in the margins and the doodles and the exclamation points and before he knew it Peter was on the verge of tears. He was barely containing himself, and then he read a specific annotation you made. 

He had opened to the first page of “The Worm King’s Lullaby”, one of your all-time favorites. A specific line was underlined, one that Peter was all too familiar with: “Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.” Beside it, you wrote:

“As much of a genius Mr. Siken is, I have to disagree with this. If you love someone enough, you’ll never leave them and they’ll never leave you. Even if they die, even if things don’t work out, you’ll always have a little part of them to carry with you. Carry this part of me with you, Peter. Not that I plan on leaving anytime soon.” 

That was it. The floodgates broke. Everything that Peter had held back came pouring out-- the past 10 minutes finally caught up with him, and they hit him like a bus. He sat in the corner of his bedroom, his knees pulled up to his chest so tightly he thought his legs would snap. Peter wanted to rip all his hair out or punch a hole in the wall or hold his head underwater until he was nothing but an obituary and a headstone. His chest burned and the pit of despair inside his chest had overtaken his system, and he hated himself with a burning passion. Why did he do that? Why did he do that? Why the fuck did he do that?

Peter Maximoff had his breakdown in solitude, revealing in the fact that he was, undeniably, the villain of his own life.

4.

As it turns out, ‘getting his shit together’ is much harder than Peter originally anticipated. He's trying, he really is, but it's hard. Especially without you there. Peter knows that he fucked up, and he knows that he needs to work for your forgiveness. And don’t worry, he’s going to work for it. 

It had only been a week, but the entire mansion could tell that something was off. Life just wasn’t the same without the randomized gusts of wind that would knock people off their feet; no one had been seriously injured or had something stolen from them. The whirlwind that was mansion life, while still chaotic, lost it’s fun. 

Charles tried to keep things running smoothly, but he was an old man and didn’t exactly understand you and Peter. People would knock on your door every now and then, but you didn’t answer. You were much too busy analyzing exactly how much of a bitch you were being-- realistically, the answer is 0%, but you didn’t see it that way. No, from your perspective, you saw Peter having a mental breakdown and you ditched him. Pretty shitty move.

What you didn’t realize was that Peter was doing the exact same thing, however, the blame falls mostly on his shoulders, and boy does he know it. He’s been scripting his grand apology, trying desperately to find the right words to express exactly how sorry he is. Peter was never very good with words-- it’s always too hard to know if you’re going to say the wrong thing and mess everything up. Although, it’s hard to see how the scenario could get any worse.

He made the executive decision to start with “I’m sorry”-- a solid start to any apology. Sure, he could stop there, but Peter realized that he’d probably need more to win back his partner. So, he managed to scribble down a few more lines on a tiny notecard he was supposed to use for studying. Oh, what a wondrous redemption arc this would be; Peter gets into a fight with his wonderful partner and ruins their relationship and then struggles to come up with a coherent apology. 

“I’m sorry about what I said, that was shitty. I shouldn’t have said that.” Peter’s eyebrows furrowed in frustration. God, he was going to die alone, wasn’t he? Maybe this is the cruel punishment the world is dealing to him, the universe is deciding that Peter’s redemption arc would be better if it, well, didn’t exist. Even so, he isn’t planning on giving up or giving in just yet. 

He scrapped what he had so far and started at the beginning once again. His 9th grade english teacher would tell him to write about what he knows, and though he doesn’t know much, he’s an expert when it comes to himself. Peter knows how he feels about you, he knows how sorry he is, and he knows that he really, really, really wants you to know that he didn’t mean a word he said about not wanting you. Peter knows about love, at least a little bit, and he realizes he’ll need more than just words.  

His mind drifts to that night, years ago, in front of the fireplace. He vividly remembers a tiger lily and a chameleon scribbled in the margins of your book. Realistically, Peter couldn’t get his hands on a chameleon, but a tiger lily was a different story. In high school, Peter took a botany course because he thought it’d be easy. It wasn’t, it was boring as all hell, but it seems like his slacking paid off. He knew tiger lilies were indigenous to Asia, but they’d become quite common along New England-area roadways. 

Peter grabbed his jacket and took off, tearing through the roads like his life depended on it. In less than 10 minutes, Peter found himself in the middle of New Hampshire drenched in rain. In hindsight, he probably should’ve checked the weather before leaving. Nevertheless, he takes off into the small wooded area that laid passed the road’s end. Dozens of mushrooms dotted the muddy ground and mossy rocks clouded his peripheral vision. The rain begins to lighten as he spots a bright orange tiger lily peeking through the remains of a tree stump. He sprints over to it.

The tiger lily is bloomed and beautiful and Peter can’t tear his eyes away from the wide array of speckles and splotches and color. It’s pristine, but some of the petals are torn or wilting. The roots stretch into the stump below it, and Peter leans closer. The stump is old and worn, fungi and bugs eat away at the base next to a large hole where a family of worms reside. The stump is ugly, sure, but it’s useful. It helps keep the bugs fed and keeps the worms warm. There’s a metaphor here somewhere, but Peter is too distracted to find it. 

He gently picks the flower and spins on his heel, taking off once again. The rain makes it harder to run, but it’ll take a lot more than water to stop Peter. By the time Peter gets back to Xavier’s the flower is a little crushed, but it’s still somewhat pristine. 

He has the flower, he has the apology, and now all he needs is courage. Thankfully, that courage comes quickly as he instinctively knocks on your bedroom door. He probably should’ve stopped to collect himself, but he was riding a wave of adrenaline that wouldn’t come back. 

“Go away, Jean,” You called from inside. You sounded tired, and it made Peter sad. 

“It’s-- uh-- it’s not Jean,” Peter can hear your hesitant footsteps approaching the door, and suddenly the courage he managed to build up drained. His hands are shaking by the time you open the door. You look up at him, and Peter looks back at you, and suddenly everything is much harder to do. He looks down at his feet. 

“Hi.” Your voice is hoarse, but clear. 

“Hi.” Peter’s voice is uneven and quiet. You stand there in silence for a minute before Peter pipes up again.

“So, uh, you’re probably still mad at me and I get that, but I just want you to hear me out. I-If that’s okay,” You nod slowly, and Peter takes a deep breath. He thinks about the written apology that sat in his coat pocket, and he makes the last-minute decision to forget about it. He’ll speak from the heart, or, whatever people in rom-coms do. 

“I’m sorry. It was really shitty of me to get angry at you because you were worried about me-- although, I guess shitty is an understatement. Everything that I said about, yknow, not wanting you or Charles or anyone else around anymore wasn’t true. I need you guys, and I love you guys and it was unfair of me to push you away. Solitude really sucks. I guess I’m just not very good at navigating relationships,” He exhales, and his chest shudders. “I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore, I just thought I should make it clear how I feel.” It’s only then that he remembers about the tiger lily in his hand. “Oh, and this is for you.”

“A tiger lily?” you smiled softly. “These are my favorite-- how did you know?”

“I’m just observant, I guess. You usually draw them when you’re bored, I figured you’d like to see one in person,” You gently took the tiger lily in your hand. The silence that hung in the air was deafening, and Peter realized that was probably a bad sign. His chest drops just a bit, and he takes a small step backwards.

“I guess I should probably leave you alone--” Peter can’t get very far, because you immediately jump forward and wrap your arms around him. Eyes wide and heart pounding, you can feel Peter’s arms lock around your waist. 

“Thank you,” You whispered. “Please don’t go.” Peter was smiling so hard his cheeks ached, and a horrible weight had been lifted off his shoulders. The close-contact was refreshing; he didn’t realize how much he missed it until that moment. He was pretty sure he would never, ever let you go. Not again.

5.

To Peter Maximoff, physical affection has always been a touchy subject-- that is, until you came along. You proved to him that he deserved physical affection, that his mutation and his personality and weirdo quirks didn’t make him lesser or unlovable. Peter Maximoff deserved love, and you were the one who never failed to love him. 

You sat on a wooden chair in front of the fireplace, reading to the group of children sitting at your feet. The emotional lines of “Snow and Dirty Rain” fell from your lips, and with every turning syllable the small group would listen just a little bit closer. Peter did, too, desperately trying to hear every single word you said. Class was almost over, and once the students were dismissed you’d probably stop reading.

“I made this place for you. A place for you to love me. If this isn't a kingdom then I don't know what is,” Your eyes tore away from the page to look at the kids at your feet. They fell upon Peter, and a smile erupted on your face. 

Peter vaguely recalls the twisted idea of love that he held as a teenager. He thought love was a dragon to be defeated, a battle that could be won or lost. It’s clear now that love is the opposite-- it isn’t a fight or a battle or a thing to be conquered. It’s more like a flower; it needs to be cherished and cared for in order to grow. Sometimes the flower wilts and dies, and that’s natural, but sometimes the flower lasts for a lifetime. 

Love wasn’t a dragon or a knight, it didn’t have a hero or a villain; it was much more like a tiger lily and a tree stump.

[sunnnfish]

(Tbhk Spoilers !! I think ? Maybe ?) anyways ramble time :)

Thinking about like why Kou is so ready to hurt himself or straight up die for other people...

It’s like,, he clearly isn’t as strong as Teru, and even Tiara seems to have a lot more potential than he does, so like, he must have some sort of inferiority complex yknow ?

In other media that’s usually portrayed as a lot more anger and frustration and bitterness that they’re not good enough but Kou like... never stops trying, never stops being positive and optimistic and happy, to the point he hurts himself just to prove something. I also think he is just a generally positive and happy person, but it could be one of those cases where he doesn’t want to be a burden, since he already feels isn’t much help elsewhere, so he never lets himself complain or open up to people. As long as he thinks he’s protecting or helping someone, he’ll do anything with a smile.

And I think he knows he isn’t strong enough to like solve things normally, so that’s why he goes to such extremes just to be enough for someone or to simply help someone. From (relatively) minor things like letting his staff burn his hands to heckin bonkers stuff like falling off a building for one guy.

Especially with that picture perfect Mitsuba scene, I bet he thought he wasn’t smart enough or strong enough to help Mitsuba normally, and simply being there for him wasn’t enough, so he thought he had to take it a step further to truly understand and help Mitsuba. He never once thought about himself, or what he wanted, or even about what happens next. He cares for other people way more than he does for himself, and as sweet as that is, he does it way too often. It’s like there’s no barrier in his brain that stops him from going to “die for them,” because sometimes that’s the only thing in his power he feels can do.

I think he ties his worth to his power as an exorcist and his ability to help people—and when both of those fail, that’s when he breaks.

(The only time he admits any of this is after Mitsuba is corrupted(?) and dies a second time—“I wish I was more like Teru.”)

And I bet as an exorcist, he’s probably been told to do things for the greater good, because he’s one of the only ones who can defeat supernaturals n stuff, so that lowers his self worth even more (I read a really good oneshot kinda about this and I can’t remember it for the LIFE of me) (edit: it’s heirloom by beecalm on ao3 thank u @honourary-anon for saying so I love u)

Anyways this might be a bit disjointed and contradictory maybe but I am thinking ....