#stuff felt more real before that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-bearer-of-bad-ideas · 8 months

Text

i miss the 2020-2021 school year

zoom schoolw as nice adn then going back at the end of it was soooo nice idk i miss it

a lot of it is definitely because i was i was younger + rose tinted glasses but still

also i think my anxiety anxietied too hard and broke because i kinad of just. stopped being paranoid all the time during then

#it probably helps that i was a Very Stupid Child at the time but still. nostalgia #i have a very very specific memory of staring at the fence thing in the field during pe #i had pretty little psycho stuck in my head and i was wishing i could climb it #i was obsessed with omori at the time so i was imaging Scenarios about it #the ghost and pals obsession was just setting in and i had spent the previous class blaring the distortionist into my ears #it was the middle of may and the weird finals mood was setting in and i was having a grand ole time #very stressed but the kind that im nostalgic about #its such a weirdass thing to have one of your favorite memories be but alas. i wish i could go back to Random Day in May 2021 #general random crap (tm)#i miss just sitting in my room all day and blasting lemon demon in class #its been all downhill since that year #or ig 2022 more accurately #i spent january 2022 completely spaced out and i dont think ive recovered #hell ive spent this january comepletely spaced out too #stuff felt more real before that #well not really but i remmeber it mroe #maybe i just need to go outside more or smth #whatever ramble over

1 note · View note

icewindandboringhorror · 11 months

Text

I know this is just a silly bad quality random screencap of a screencap that I found on facebook lol, BUT it's a succinct enough image to easily describe the concept in a quick/accessible way hopefully :

-

(and of course, feel free to elaborate in tags, etc.! (especially elaborating about other senses as well.. can you "hear" in your mind just as well as you can "see"? taste? etc.) It's an interesting topic to me, as someone who's like a 4.5 at MOST lol. I'm curious what option will be the most common :0c )

#tumblr polls #hrmm... a little poll perhaps.. about a subject I find interesting.. since this image came across my facebook today #still really not feeling that well. no longer shaking violently and such but I still feel weird and weak much more than usual #They did say my markers for like infection or inflammation were elevated but that they werent sure of the cause so hopefully #it's nothing too serious. they did also say a lot of different things can cause that thing to be higher than normal but didn't go into spec #fics of what. maybe some of them are relatively benign or something. I still havent felt much back to normal since #I got really sick that one time though. I feel fine on and off but then little bouts of feeling weird and sick happen. hrmmm #ANYWAY.. looking for small ways to be productive. such as little doodles on evil ipad or editing game videos #or posting polls or cat pictures or some other like not very labor intensive things #I WISH I COULD FOCUS on writing HHRGGhh... I need to finish my game.. it would be so freeing.. a project that's been looming #over my head for like 5 years even though througouht that 5yrs I've probably spent a total of 3 months working on it lo.. ANYWAY #I still partially really cannot beleive that people CAN see stuff in their heads. There's always part of me that's thinking like. well mayb #e everyone DOES see the same exact thing but we just describe/conceptualize it so differently that we think we're talking about #different things when we're really not. But I have been assured by people I've talked to about it that they can GENUINELY really see #stuff in their heads like as vivid as an actual picture in real life or something. And the other senses are neat too. Like for exmaple I #can hear in my head much better than I can see imagery. I still CANNOT hear vividly like as if I were listening to actual music out loud..#but I think it's developed more than my sight. AND interesting how this varies the creative process. a friend I was talking to on the phone #said they write by literally just watching stuff play before them like a movie. where my process is COMPLETELY different. AND that affects #the content/what details we focus on as well as our individual styles of writing have differences that can be traced back to that.. hrmm

535 notes · View notes

unproduciblesmackdown · 1 year

Text

set out to create a serious, canonesque drawing with which to say "feel free to go in my lackadaisy tag and help me mystery speculate" but only got going when i made it bowling and the rarepair agenda

#not that i imagine anything w/mordecai's Rare so much as: diluted range of possibilities lol. probably someones on that mordecai/virgil life #when it turns out it takes several tries to start to get more solid footing at drawing characters for the first time: What The?????#i actually don't think i ever tried drawing lackadaisy before; against all odds....if i had i would've had a head start lol #lackadaisy #corned beef #any collectively used pairing name here? mordenico? nicodecai? in absence of otherwise Knowing:#nicodeme savoy #mordecai heller #me in '07 going oh my GOD this ART!!!! me in '23 going oh my GOD this ART!!!! & guess how i've always felt years in between #goddd perusing the gallery bonus art afresh recently just like WOWWW i'm SOOO #the collages of full-body drawings for book purchases i think like my GOD i love to see it. plus that the Extra Stuff gallery means there's #such a variety like. stuff that's clearly noncanon; stuff that could be / kinda is; jokes; portraits; story / characters insight....waaughh #also shoutout to everyone behind all the mordecais in KS Backer Art 1 & 2 like ''sexy mordecai please'' apparently lmao. hell yeah #anyways my Marigold Bowling Team headcanons are simple and straightforward: nicodeme w/the muscle can get a strike from the force of having #hit one pin that smashes into all the others; but don't underestimate his versatility. mordecai with the precision / method & absolutely #who you want trying to hit the only pin left on the lane. serafine's got like serpentine curveballs changing velocity halfway down the lane #and they've All got pointing a gun at the people setting pins / returning balls b/c that wasn't automated back in the twenties #back when everyone had customized printed tees....oh fun fact. a real live kitty cat crinkled that first pic's paper by jumping on it #or really; ricocheting off of it. classic #also the ''i want people to seriously consider nicodeme/mordecai. but also sillily'' purposes have me using Close Contact as a shorthand #it's earnest and can sure be [longhand] too but you go ''You Could Never HC Datingly Affection ft. An Always Touch Averse Character'' & i?#well i scoff derisively and slowly swivel my chair around to face you; arms crossed; smhing....hah. how greatly you underestimate my power.#you're throwing [hcs for a romance ft. an autistic character] & [that ft. an asexual character] & i'm grabbing them midair & Sips Them #ha ha why these replenish my health And experience bars....#Never Be Afraid To Forget To Draw Mordecai's Glasses Or That You Also Put Your Thumb In A Bowling Ball....he's warming up. or w/e.#nicodeme w/the boxing experience shoulders massage trope. giving that pep talk #or you can go ''get a strike or we kill you'' b/c you never have to find out if he's joking or not #mordecai unfazed b/c that's the stakes in this business (bowling) & he's autistic so always having to ignore Everyone being weird/confusing #haven't come up with a lackadaisy's team bowling pun name lol.#still feel free to go in my lackadaisy tag and help me brainstorm mitzi n mordecai's murder mystery ;w; enrichment

327 notes · View notes

mcalhenwrites · 29 days

Text

Still alive, writing and editing a lot and even drawing (mostly dragon sketches at work). Seasons has some new chapters now... I saw something earlier about writing being something you can hone by doing lots of reading and writing. I wonder when that will apply to me. I've read a lot of books this year. I have almost hit my goal of 90 books, and while a couple are nonfiction and half are comics, the rest are novels. I expect that to increase again, now that I'm going back to the library. (I stopped with the bed bug scare.) Then I'm setting aside time each week to write. I work on stories at work, even if it's mostly just planning. (My laptop is falling apart so I just gave up taking it to work.) Yet here I am, still the same idiot who doesn't have anything appealing enough for most people to read. I can't get 99% of my followers interested. Sales of Geckos have dropped to next-to-nothing. Nothing else I put out there matters either. The fault lies with me. I'm not good enough. After having this stupid blog for 12 years, I want to delete it. I want to delete my twitter account. I want to delete every single account and shut up for good. There is nothing I can offer. My writing is a good hobby for me. I can get pats on the head for doing a little thing for myself. Aww, look at the cute little dumbass adult doing wittle storwies!!! Isn't that silly!!! They're not good, but he's having fun during the process. Too bad he hasn't figured out that not even 39 more years of practice can save what he's handing out.

#people lied about “once you have confidence nothing can take it away”#nah that shit can get killed when you're a fucking pitiful fool like me!#until the day when I actually make something that's important to anyone this is just me being a child-brained idiot scribbling words down #I used to think I was semi-decent... I did before Rascal but figured Rascal was inferior to my usual work #Then I felt bad about my writing bc of discouragement and locked my work up #felt a surge of confidence a couple of weeks before I started Seasons tho #then had some confidence after that until 2023 (lots of bad shit happened that year)#it evaporated quickly but I tried to maintain some #and now it's just like... me trying to pretend and “fake it till you make it” has never worked for me #but let's be real: the more I showed I liked myself the more bothersome that was for some people I was close to #and it's better to tear me down than lift me up #so I guess the problem is that I just don't belong in the writing world with anyone else #I'll never be good enough and I'm frankly too mentally fucking delayed to have figured it out (like everything else)#hahahahaha people keep telling me I'm autistic and my brother is autistic and my parents refused a diagnosis for me when the Dr mentioned i #and here I am probably too autistic to have ever figured out a damn thing except that I'm pretty good at reading and liking stuff!#but not skilled at anything else #just a reader and worthless as anything else #oh and I guess crocheting but I want none of you to have that part of me ever again

8 notes · View notes

bunnihearted · 3 months

Text

𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

#it hurts but it is natural and im not oversensitive and im allowed to feel this way #the future i had envisioned and hoped for and believed in was just.. suddenly gone and im allowed to mourn the loss #because for an entire year i've been wanting this. and imagining it and thought of ways it could be real #and i didnt base my feelings only on imagination but on his words and him saying that we should figure out whatever was between us #and in the way we talked and what we shared and how he did start treating me as 'his girl'#which i also do not think was irresponsible nor am i upset by that. bc i wasnt 100% present bc of my avpd stuff #but it was so amazing and he was so amazing and i'd been having feelings for him for half a year before and then i only fell more and more #im trying to be as non specific as possible bc like i can only talk abt *me*.. but there were just sm other things and circumstances #so it got less and less intense.. and i wanted to give him space and patience and not push smth on him and be insensitive #then i told him abt being in love w him and wanting to be there for him w his struggles and working it out together #and im embarrassed af but i had honestly thought... that would be met well and with reciprocity...#(i understand that feelings cant be forced & im not upset or feel betrayed i just felt v sad bc i was so sure he would want me to be his gf #but i got neither a clear rejection nor much of what he was thinking abt me and what was between us. mostly just that it wasnt a good timin #so again i wanted to respect that and not keep push it. even if i tried bringing it up sometimes it never got anywhere and it didnt feel #right to just keep and keep on doing it. then there were times when i /felt/ rejection and got more hope based on interactions #truly i've been walking around for a year believing that this was smth that would come true if only we could talk #and i've been waiting and hoping and loving. and i've really been thinking of it as a real future #i even tried telling him a few months ago that if he wants me he can have all of me but he told me to stop so i did #and now i've learned that none of my devotion or hope was returned... i've been in this waiting room all alone all this time #i thought i was patient bc of all the other things but he couldnt give me a chance but he did for someone else and that just hurts #idk it hurts bc this love and connection meant so much to me and i wanted to do anything to make it work #and when u realize all of a sudden that it was only u who felt that and that future u so badly thought would happen isnt real #.... i feel extremely lost and despairing. plus it just is how i feel but i've only been this connected to him #honestly it might sound weird how i can feel this much for someone i've never met irl but he has been my only hope and comfort #for the past years he hs been my only comfort and the only thing making me feel good and ok and hopeful.... so it hurts it hurts it hurts!!

8 notes · View notes

thedawningofthehour · 11 months

Note

ahhhh! i'm nervous about the end of book 2, do you think you'll make it to 40 chapters in the end?

by the way, i don't forget that you promised a battle between Draxum and the fam, i really hope he gets his ass kicked.

*squeeze this every time you want to see Draxum get his ass kicked*

. me:

also me latelly:

...it may be 41.

I'm gonna really try to put the next two chapters into two chapters. Everything is plotted out, I just...don't know if it'll be too much by the time I'm done writing it out. And just some of the vibes for a few scenes, it might flow better for them to be in separate chapters.

But we'll see. Two or three, there shouldn't be much of a wait between them hopefully.

Also, where you getting half a year? I've been trying really hard to avoid hinting how long it's going to be in-fic. I think the most I've done is mention that the Book 2 finale was supposed to take place in August, and it's currently late June/July so it's still pretty close.

#it'll be fine #but for real i think it'll be surprising in a very satisfying way #i want to get it to 40 because 41 is just annoyingly close to 42 #actually in my original plan it was supposed to be wrapping up around now #obviously more stuff has been added since but it all felt very crowded #galois can only be kidnapped so many times in a short period of time before he suffers a nervous breakdown #doth asks

19 notes · View notes

cr0wc0rpse · 1 month

Text

Eventually you will start to feel like an alive person and be doing things and it’s so wonderful

#this year has been very good for me so far. first year as a real alive person. I like it actually #I’m going to a concert in september and october And november!! I haven’t been to a concert since 2016 #and I’ve been going out and doing stuff #and seeing my friends and recently my partner #and it’s all very new but I’m very excited and glad it’s happening and I’m doing it #I was so miserable for so long and my baseline was bordering on suicidal constantly #I haven’t been suicidal in like . a year. maybe a little more than #I have a lot to do and fix but I feel like I can and I haven’t felt that way before #it’s nice. I do have a life that I can change and have control over #dead text

4 notes · View notes

skrunksthatwunk · 2 months

Text

not my dad not liking moral orel season 3 🤭🤭🤭that's so embarrassing for him (<- he's not wrong for feeling that way but i think it's like 60% because he doesn't like it when art gets weird and that's so so tragic for him)

#i actually think his points make sense this time. which tbqh is not normally how i feel when he criticizes smth i love #basically he was like s3 was a completely different show from the first two seasons #and he didn't like how all over the place and directionless it felt #and honestly yeah ok i can see that #personally i think the choice to broaden the focus to moralton broadly vs mostly just orel is really interesting #and it allows for different facets of their critique of fundie waspisms to extend to situations/characters orel wouldn't really be privy to #(could you imagine 'alone' with orel there? me neither)#and i personally liked them fleshing out the marginal characters. i never found that boring or like a major diversion #again they're like 11 min episodic(ish) things it's hard for them to feel like they drag on y'know #it shows a lot of ambition and i think they pulled it off really well tbh (cancellation aside)#but i will agree that the transition is a little sudden. nature is such a big moment for the series #and for orel's arc specifically but then we spend little time with orel post-nature so the tone shift doesn't #necessarily align with his realization (at least in terms of the canon timeline. ep release order does align)#it's sudden but we jump back to before the shattering. it's disorienting and i think it's kind of cool as hell #a realization like orel's in nature is gonna throw the past into question and color his life and thus the town #(bc let's face it orel is the real mayor of moralton kfhsjs) and while we've been seeing Some of moralton's ugliness #in every episode until now it's shown in full force in and post-nature (release-wise). so when the timeline jumps around #and it all feels twisted and hazy and sickening and it All Comes Back To The Hunting Trip as our point of reference #for when things are happening it makes it feel like the trip Caused this disturbance. it's almost a spatio-temporal THING #like orel IS the center of this universe. my point is it's weird and i like it a lot i think it works #but anyway i think s3 is a natural evolution of s1+2 albeit an accelerated one #and i really wish we'd gotten to see more of what s3 morel was cooking bc it was setting up some really cool stuff imo #like he hated everything w mommy censordoll x clay but it's SUCH a cool place to take their characters. freud would go crazy #moral orel #and i think if they knew where they had to end the season maybe focusing on other characters was a way to keep orel stagnant enough to like #end the finale where they needed him. maybe.#we actually DID finish it yesterday. i rewatched the finale the day before bc i was impatient but yeah 👍#now it's chapter black time >:}

3 notes · View notes

aberooski · 4 months

Text

I love my gx winx au and I love that it's just bits and pieces of me being like oh that's fun and not having any semblance of lore or plot. It's purely contained to the character designs I've drawn for the girls.

#it will stay contained to art too it's not something I'd ever write #like I know absolutely nothing about this au of mine but I'm obsessed with it all the same #like I learn something new about it every time I've drawn something #I don't draw a lot for it yall have seen everything I've done and it's usually just a drawing of alexis cuz I love her design lol #but like I'm doing panels for it rn right? and like it's just coming together like the story of what's happening atm #and that's like the only story there actually is rn but it's just falling into place #so I can actually make something of substamce out of this tiny concept I had for a drawing I wanted to try because I had an itch and it grew #that doesn't really happen to me anymore like I haven't felt a spark like that since I wrote OUAD #nothing I've written since has felt the same #and like I said this isn't something I would write into a fic or anything it would just be too much but it's really everything to me rn #something I can come back to and dip my toe in whenever I really feel like I need a spark again and it just makes me happy #I grew up with 4kids winx club so another reason I'd never write anything for real is because I refuse to watch any other version #like I've tried I just can't do it my mind rejects any other version so I only know the universe to a point anyway and but that was my thin #it made me so happy as a kid and it still does now like those are my girls and they mean the world to me and being able to play #within that space with other characters I'm obsessed with and combine into something that miraculously works is amazing #I need to draw more stuff for this au I guess is my whole point #I need to see what other things can..... bloom....... (heh) within that space and what will just manifest before me #I need that something to make me feel that spark again because I don't want to lose it forever and I think I'm starting to find it again #life has just been knocking down over and over lately and it's destroyed so much of my mental state and honestly randomly deciding to try #and actually draw actual stuff for this au has been so healing. I almost feel lighter #it feels stupid amd silly to say but it's true #abby's just rambling don't mind her

4 notes · View notes

vounoura · 5 months

Text

the maister system and the new 'find vocations out in the world' system is...ok, but I prefer the old colour system

#saint plays dd2 #like coming in as someone who knows nothing abt how DD:O worked DD2's vocation system feels like a major step back #95% of the augments are useless and aren't worth using so there's no real build variety anymore #nor is there any real weight to choosing what to run in terms of combat effectiveness and QoL stuff like carry weight anymore #bc there's only like 5-8 augments worth taking bc the stat bonus are insultingly low for the effort of leveling the vocation #and the colours feel arbitrary bc it's not a tree system anymore. thief is green bc it's green and there's no hybrid green #whereas in DD1 every base vocation had a hybrid colour mix and it made logical sense #strider (yellow) and mage (blue) became a magick archer. strider and fighter (red) doubled down on the melee and became assassin.#while keeping the bow as a sidearm.#pure red became warrior and dumped the shield for 2h colossal but slow attacks. pure blue sacrificed utility for highest tier damage spells #and so on. it just felt so much more intuitive and felt like actual growth when you could 'upgrade' to a hybrid vocation bc #you actually needed to have X number of ranks in both colours before you could take it whereas in 2 they're all just standalone classes #and the meister skill systems are....ok. I don't know how I feel abt all of them being connected to optional sidequests you can fuck up #or straight up just miss bc this game still has the weird design flaw of having points of no return where quests autofail #also like I feel to get the meister skill either you or your pawn should actually have like. maxed the vocation out.#like it feels weird when I get magick archer and then immediately unlock the meister skill at the same time #when I haven't even bought the vocation yet.

2 notes · View notes

235uranium · 1 year

Text

not to be back on my bullshit already but like. ford talking about how he doesn't understand romance in journal 3 quite literally does not prove he's ace in any sense of the definition unless you assume only ace people struggle with traditional relationship models (literally not fucking true??) or that aro people are always/usually ace (I am beating you with a broom). it's evidence towards him being aro if anything!

but even then I think that's an accidental meaning in the writing. the passage exists to show how detached ford is from the sheer idea of family and how he doesn't understand fiddleford's attachment to his wife and son! it's also a subtle reason to show why the pines family might not notice anything after the portal incident (i.e- ford didn't talk to his parents or sister much, if at all, after moving to gravity falls.)

it's even more frustrating when ppl mention that line... and then make him alloace?????

#☢️.txt #yknow what fuck it!#ford pines #i wouldnt mind ace ford pines hcs so much if they didnt so often use evidence towards him being aro as the evidence of being ace???#also im gonna be real the 'ford dated a siren' joke is just way funnier if hes aro #im not even attached to him being aro. im more attatched to gay monsterfucker ford pines #but then again i think most aroallo ppl are a bit on edge after what happened in the aromantic subreddit a few weeks ago #(mods banned all mentions of sex and sex-related banners for a few days before reversing it when people pointed out how insane that is)#oh and i also just think the stuff about how ford sees family is much more interesting in that paragraph #it both explains why stan hasnt had any significant pushback (bc even tho he can imitate him the career change had to be a shock!)#and why ford resorted to stan for help over anyone else in his family (he didnt talk to them nor did he feel any sense of closeness)#fords idea of family is soooo fucked up. its all filbricks fault btw but like #it was easier for him to reach out to stan. whos location he had to actively track down and who he thought didnt respect his career ambition #than just like fucking. calling shermie or one of his research mentors #at the absolute height of his paranoia he still felt that he could trust stan deep down and no one talks about this

12 notes · View notes

bunnihearted · 3 months

Text

🌷🕸️

#i've been thinking about this quite a lot on and off for a while #but to try to process it more i just wanna try to vent:#my sexuality is very messy. even inside my head. so scary. so complicated...?? so just thoughts of it are scary #and like there has only ever been one person who like just thinking about sex with has felt like good #not scary or terrifying. not with all of my avpd symptoms woven in (like one is that idk if i could ever have sex w someone #like actually be with them and be able to look them in the eyes and then also keep talking to them afterwards and not just run away and #never see them again. that's just one thing and this isnt abt that so anyway #like yeah just thinking about sex w him feel ok. safe and comfortable. and enjoyable and like i can and want it #which is smth like... with my other crushes before i've fantasized abt having sex w them but it felt bad and scary ://#and like i didnt actually want sex w them...#and with this person that isnt there. it's scary in a way since like im not experienced at all and idk how it feels irl 💀#but not in the way i usually feel abt it!!!!#so this just in my head #plus the fact that like talking and expressing some of my thoughts TO him ... felt good and safe and comfortable #is actually such a gift from him.... and i'll always treasure this (one of many things haha ^^)#bc he made me experience this and that i can feel good and ok and safe about it #i do feel sad that when this was current i was so cautious and shy bc it was so new to me #i was feeling smth real and genuine emotionally w him and i wasnt just saying stuff ... if that makes sense lmao #hmmm... yeah i've never felt good abt it before that w him. so it was so so new. and i couldnt quite get used to it fast #now im getting messy in my thoughts again sksksk #i just feel like this meant so much to me to just have had it #and idk im just so happy to know that these feelings are possible for me .. and i feel thankful for him that he gave me this not so little #thing/feeling/experience #now... the thing is... he is the only one i've felt all of the things with. like attraction/safe/comfortable/taken seriously etc etc.... so #umm what do i do now? 💀#ig either way im glad i know that this exists for me and that im not incapable of it. even if my avpd makes me feel that way #ok.. skurr skurr?#but yeah sexuality is so fkn scary for me idk it just gets too much i wanna cry T-T

9 notes · View notes

missshame · 1 year

Text

I had the saddest weirdest realest dream about snorting coke btw

#I was in complete denial and aware that I was in denial at the same time #I could see how it was isolating me from my family and friends as I starting to be less and less interested in my own life #And it was so sad and lonely but it felt like there was nothing I could do about it #Also spending less time with my friends to spend more time around the people who gave me drugs felt wrong like I knew those new people #Didn't care about me and even there was something wrong with the way they would encourage me to take before classes and stuff but I would #Still chose to go with them #Idk I even woke up crying and saying I don't want to be a burden #Lmao what was that #It felt way too real and I don't do drugs so wtf brain

2 notes · View notes

lunarhoneybunny · 1 year

Text

sighs. okay tmi posting sorry guys

#lunar bunny chatter #my horniness has been fluctuating the last day or so and it's definitely because of my period. this morning was crazy #i went to some DMs to listen to an audio message i got and i just died again and thought about some stuff which led me back onto tumblr #and i just went to look at some text posts and now that i look back. dude i have such an atrocious daddy/mommy kink it's actually funny #i mean. i really like the idea of being an appealing figure and my criteria for who i call daddy is so specific. there's just two people #that fall into that category but i don't like the other person as much as the other one. hi sorry for being gay i need this off of my chest #also hanging out with some friends and im so bad at comebacks and all that. how the fuck am i gonna top without stuttering and fumbling #and forgetting words.... that's my biggest worry. it doesn't help that i get super chatty when nervous but maybe i can work it in my favor #i wanna try out the title stuff just to test the waters before going absolutely ham. maybe as a cute joke i'll go “oh sure w/e u say daddy”#“lol haha” but it just seems real fun. i think it's hot too but. yeah it's a lot to unpack ahaha.#i still have a lot of guilt for talking dirty and being more brave when talking but that's just because i always felt like i didn't have...#the right to explore that especially when a lot of people i knew back then thought of me as “pure and innocent girl” and like. yeah fuck no #this was a really meandering ramble but my point: “daddy hot mommy hot i wanna explore that and im also nervous about stuff”#i do genuinely enjoy when i get in the mood though especially with someone i trust and like. click with? i hope that isn't too much to say #but it feels very natural and i don't have to force or hide anything. i just need a bit more confidence ahaha #that's all the rambling i got in me im gonna listen to some classic music from latin artists because im silly and mildly sentimental rn.

4 notes · View notes

likesummerrainn · 1 year

Text

.

#everything feels weird and strange and off kilter.#the grief and the emotions are coming in waves and it's getting extreme now #like i spend my day aware of everything happening around me #i spend my day trying to busy myself and do work outside of the house that matters and that needs to get done #if i can do this stuff for my grandma then i'll be fine #but the minute i'm next to her for more than five minutes it hits me #like everyone for the last three days has been telling us #'it doesn't look good. she doesn't have much time left. this is what you need to do to prepare for the end.'#and we're doing all of that #but every time i hear 'the end' or 'end of life' i just. feel like i'm choking and suffocating #like yes looking at her i know there's no other way this ends.#i know from having spent this much time around her that there's no coming back from this #but it still doesn't feel /real/#like. just in the last two days things have changed so dramatically #and so i hold her hand and i try to understand what she's saying and try to do whatever i can for her #and then i cry and cry and cry and cry. and then i get back up and go back to my life.#i try to do what i can. i weep for the impending loss of the person i love most in this world. and then i go back to my silly little things #i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to deal with this.#i've never felt like my heart was so attached and so rooted in someone else's heart like this before. and now she's about to leave us.#and i don't know what to do guys. i don't know how to process this.

4 notes · View notes

kavehater · 1 day

Text

Gosh maybe it’s for the best that I don’t watch shows bc seeing people even if they’re fictional having such profound friendships gives me serious fomo 🙁

#dora daily #honestly to me friendships seem so much like a mind game more so than something real and genuine #it just feels like some race not entirely authentic #always second guessing intentions and trying to figure out what the other was thinking ?#Is there a way to be friends with someone if it’s not like this ? like you don’t need to worry about what they’re thinking #or if they’re fed up of you or the fact that they like their other friends more than you #I don’t tell anyone of them that I feel thi way but I genuinely feel like this about every single friendship I have #and like a month or so ago I began to feel that same way about the only person I had left #whom I hadn’t felt that way about before but now it’s like everyone else #back to the topic those shows and stuff make me feel whole at the expense of reminding me that at the end #of the day I can never have someone to rely on; that how I feel and how I react to things #are such a joke and shameful and embarrassing #I know people will get mad at me if I say that I really don’t think they like me that much #and it’s a difficult conversation #so I don’t know. I just wish someone will trick me into thinking I’m important even if I’m not #I know I’ll never be because I’ll never have gotten there first and I know I don’t really have a proper personality #and the only personality I do have puts people off I think #like I’m sorry my life is shit and that you have to eventually hear about it I’m sorry for being down all the time #and liking such dumb things and finding the stupidest things cool #but I don’t know how else to live and I really don’t know what else I’m supposed to do #I guess I’m just frustrated more and more that I’ll always be reminded that I’ll never be like everyone else in the worst way possible #honestly there’s no redeeming perspective to not being like anyone else because I really don’t think there is anything likeable about me #I just wish people will say that to my face than leading me into thinking I’m something important #at this point the only way a girl would give me the time of day is if I actually got into some romantic relationship with her #and I don’t want that I just want a best friend. Is that too much to ask for

0 notes