#symbiote-chan

[anti-kawaii-daily]

Hey guys, so I decided to make a tierlist featuring some artists and brands that are associated with Anti-Kawaii aesthetics like Yamikawaii or Gurokawa. Feel free to check it out!

If you know some artists that I haven't featured there then feel free to DM me.

[shironezuninja]

Throwback Thursday just invigorated my memories of 2007 again. I’m 10 years overdue to see an Andrew Garfield Spider-Man film in theaters.

[marina-roslinka]

omg :''')

"Key-frame illustration showing the moment when Harry save Peter from dying by transferring the entire symbiote suite."

Made by Dennis Chan

[bitchlessdino]

Do it already (m)

Pairing: best friend's brother!Chan x afab!reader

Genre: smut, slice of life

Word count: 6.5k

tags: actor!chan, childhood friends!chan, possessive!chan, yearning!reader, plot rich, reader with tits, reader masturbation, kitchen counter sex, reference to drugs, oral (giving and receiving), mouth fucking, choking, spanking, pussy slapping, degradation (slut, whore), praise kink, unprotected sex. tender love and care

Summary: You and the Lee siblings were like three peas in a pod. That didn't last long when Chan went for his dream and left you and sister to yourselves. That was no problem since she was the best friend you could ever have. Now he's back, hot, fit, oozing sex appeal and you're wondering what it'll take for him to rail you like a train on tracks.

author note: this banner took 3 minutes to make. It's take a lot shorter if i didn't have so many spelling errors. point is this banner is the coolest bc i found a template already premade. it's been a while since i wrote a lengthy chan thing that wasn't just smut so, here you go. enjoy! and thank you to everyone that voted on the poll to make this happen. also, every thought the reader had been once my own, I overindulged once again

tag list: @shiningstar-byulxx @misssugarlips @tommolex @hoeforhao @honglynights @homerunhansol @dkakapizzaboy @junhui-recs @svtup @buffhoshi @meowmeowminnie @caratochan @lovebot4han

You remember Chan eating dirt at the ripe age of 5. You were the cause of it. You thought it was funny to make a dirt and worms pie with real dirt and worms. You were right. He’s hated you since.

His sister, Chanmi, agreed with you. She thought you were really funny. Chan eventually got over the dirt pie, and found it incomplete without your presence. You became best friends after that and basically followed them everywhere. You always wanted siblings and since mom couldn’t afford to push out anymore, you settled on being fake siblings with the Lees.

Then Chan decided to pursue his dreams when he was 14. That was okay. You had more in common with Chanmi, anyway. His disappearance made you and Chanmi closer. She relied on you and you doted on her. It was a mutual symbiotic relationship. You couldn’t see a life without each other.

You ended up in the same college as well, living across the hall from each other in the same dormitory. Now you really couldn’t see a life without her. 

When it was time to graduate, you really worried you’d drift apart by now. When she reassured you wouldn’t, you trusted her word, as she trusted yours when you made that same commitment. It was time to commemorate it, so in came your joint graduation party. Your families and mutual friends had joined together and celebrated the end of an era. You would now go off into a world that you feared more than it would fear you. But you had Chanmi. You couldn’t imagine a better person to do it with.

Chan had hardly crossed your mind in all these years until the very moment he walked through your front door. You could hardly recognize him in the Armani blazer and dress shoes, but it was him. He had the same sharp yet attentive brown eyes since he was a teenager. He was simply all grown up now, as have you. Chan had come to visit a few times in the time he’s been gone but you only ever saw him a brief passing, caught up in your own life. 

Once our eyes have landed on him, it’s as if time has stopped. The acting school must’ve done this because his image seemed to be crafted in utter perfection. He was slightly taller than you remember, chiseled than you remember, and the least of all, more handsome than you remembered. You emphasize that you never saw Lee Chan attractive, not once, but here you were, devouring every detail of him.

He saunters over with flowers in his arms–noticeably two bouquets, one full of daisies and another with sunflowers–and stands before you and your best friend with a smile on his face. He congratulates Chanmi, handing her the bouquet of sunflowers and a hug, and within earshot saying how he knew she could do it.

Then came you. The expression on his face is something you’ve never seen him make. It bordered the line of surprised, startled, perhaps aroused, and you don’t know what to make of it. You clenched your legs anxiously before you pushed yourself up from your seat, seeing how much taller he really gotten since. It was funny since you had gotten used to being the taller one in your youth but it seems some of that has changed, along with everything about him.

“Congratulations, Y/n.” He hands you your daisies, unable to tear his gaze from you, fingers brushing against yours as he places them in your hands and electricity flows through you both.

“No hug,” you ask, trying it. His grin gets wider, arms now coming around you, and you feel his larger than life biceps close in a tight embrace. The scent that entered your personal circle now engulfed your senses, blackberries and cream. He smelled sweet, comforting, and if you help it, down right edible. 

You sigh, hugging closer, closing your eyes to fully appreciate his warmth and he spoke to a lethally soft tenor, “You’re looking good, Dirt cake. Welcome to adulthood.”

He felt strong and safe, yet left you breathless when he smoothed his hand over your back. You wonder how there can be so much tension in a seemingly platonic gesture. He makes you feel like the only other person to exist, but it ends when he pulls away, and his ghost lingers over your form.

The attention is all on him when his parents see Chan arrive, proud to have gotten the family back together again. Your parents greet him the same, having once known him to be a placeholder of a son they would’ve loved to have. Everyone is joyous.

You couldn’t stop thinking about him, the rest of the party or the rest of the night that matter, thinking only what he’d like underneath those clothes. As children, you’ve had your fair share of beach days, pool parties, joint family vacations to rented lake houses, but that was a time when Lee Chan wouldn’t even be considered in your dating pool. You were both children, almost like family at some point, and thinking of him in any manner besides that was icky. So, so icky.

But you’d be lying if you didn’t watch him tear off that blazer and put it away in a closet. His muscles ripple through his expensive dress shirt, sleeves pulled up to cut off at the elbows, revealing blue veins so thick and pulsing you imagine how they’d feel against your tongue at the sight of them. You lie in bed at the thought of them, overwhelmed at the pool it causes between your legs and goes to reclaim your arousal. Your digits languidly follow the trail of their escape and bite on your other pillow to muffle your ache.

Your head throws back into the duvet as you plunge two eager digits in your sopping core. The perfect arch you make goes unnoticed in your lonesome. You pleasure yourself in solitude, when in your mind one other person takes your fingers’ place.

“Cum all over me, sweet angel. I can feel you close.”

He had never uttered those words in his life, at least not you, but can hear them almost as clear as day.

Your hips slew in a circular type motion. Your moans get more curt as you bite hard into the cotton felt. Legs tense up, lifting off the bed, and hushed whimpers are all you communicate as you’re overcome with your release, taking the time for your legs to settle down. Your pulse would take a longer time to process your journey. Chan was still on your mind after all. Along with all the guilt built up from the considered betrayal you’ve made to his sister, your best friend, you were wondering if you could ever face her, or Chan, again.

“Oh my god, when was the last time we were out together like this?”

Chanmi’s enthusiasm combated your desire to hide away forever from guilt. You pick apart your burger, making sure there were no pickles as you’ve requested, and humming content as your message was received. “3-4 years. If you include that lunch, Chan took off in 10 minutes.”

The culprit chuckled, depositing a fry in his mouth. “I'm in high demand. You should be proud to be sitting so close to me.”

Chanmi snickers, shoving a nugget in his face, “Here, shove this in your pie hole.”

He happily accepts the excuse to shut up and enjoys it like it’s the most delicious thing on earth. “Yummy.”

You all laugh at his lighthearted nature and talk as if no time has passed. It’s familiar, warm, but jarring, because seeing you all united together proved that time came with age, and apparently for Chan, a new appreciation for a fully equipped gym.

He’s the same personality-wise, but you can’t help but focus on the physical. Looking at him while talking felt like he had been body swapped with some foreign adonis. You don’t forget the more stylish hair cut he sports, tapering slightly short at his sides and longer up top. He was becoming everything he meant to be.

“How’s shooting,” you curiously ask, “I’m sure it’s really exciting to be working on a bigger project like this.”

Chan took off the middle of your childhood to enroll in a boarding performing arts school. He wanted to pursue acting professionally one day, and he believed the networking and immersion of the curriculum would allow him to hone that skill. He made a pretty penny doing TV commercials in his attendance there, but his senior year he finally got cast in a small film. His mini break.

He played a minor role but got all the perks of a lead, besides the fame. He pushed himself hard to get recognized in his field of work. Corpses on criminal mind-esque shows, taking on five-minute extra characters, becoming a regular on a cable show with a beloved modest fandom, and finally now he’s done it. He was going to be a lead on an online streaming series that would be broadcasted internationally. Although, he hadn’t gotten the male love interest he strived for. He had claimed the role of the second love interest instead, and everyone always loved the second lead more than the first, he rationalized.

“It’s so exciting. Everyone is so talented and cool. I almost can't believe it.” He expresses with an excited glint in his eyes.

“It’s a big deal,” You cover his hand with yours, squeezing it affectionately. “You deserved this.”

You exchange proud smiles at each other. You wish you could feel the warmth from his lips as he lets out a quiet “thank you” as he places his over hand on top of yours. This feels too tender to be real, and you wonder how you could ever have noticed those creased smile eyes in the past.

The moment is interrupted when a text tone goes off and Chanmi claims it. “Oh, gotta go. I have a date.”

Chan rolled his eyes as his giddy sister hops out of her chair, releasing himself from your hands, and they suddenly drop cold. “Can't believe you planned a date in one of the few days I’m in town.” 

Chanmi lands a quick peck on your cheeks and sticks her tongue at brother in defiance, scurrying away in a quick farewell and she’s gone behind those double doors of the restaurant. This leaves you three: you, Chan, and the impending arousal that slicks your walls for being alone with him any longer than a second.

“It’s crazy isn’t it,” Chan breaks your silence, “you guys graduating, me being in a lead. It’s so wild how far we’ve come.”

You nod, “It really is. Everything’s different now.”

“Well, besides school, what else has happened? Now’s the time to catch up.”

You hummed, “where do I start?”

Let’s see where you could start.

The moment you walk right through that front door, I cannot stop thinking about your hands on my body how you would press me up against a wall and fuck me senseless, stupid, or just straight up use me until I can’t even remember my own name. It’s been only a few days since I last saw you, but every day since then I thought about you. I touch myself to the thought you. I wondered how you would say my name. I wonder if you would say my name at all. I even wondered what you would want me to call you, if that was even necessary. For you, I would lay my body with only the purpose of fulfilling every one of your desires. I’d have myself milk you until the end of our days.

You kept that to yourself. You were ashamed those words even ran through your mind in the brief moment it did, and you held your breath. “Well, since college is over, I can focus on the internship I got into. It’s a lot less intense than I’m expecting, just waiting for that adrenaline to pick up when it does.”

“You’re so grown up. I can believe I missed that.” There’s so much tenderness and fondness in his eyes.

I could say the exact same about you.

“So, Chanmi’s dating. You seeing anyone lately?”

If I was, they’d be gone the second I saw you.

“No, not really,” you respond, averting your gaze to your drink, “college guys kind of suck if I’m being honest.”

Humor is evident as Chan stifles a laugh, wiping away the reminder of his sandwich away from his face. “That I’ve heard of. Good. You deserve more than a guy just trying to get his dick wet.”

You halt, pleasure churning in your stomach at his vulgar language, hunching over the diner table in anguish. The pool of arousal spreads further. “That’s one way to put it. And you? Anyone caught your eye?”

Please say no. For the love of god and Buddha, say no.

“No luck on my end, either.”

Fuck yes.

“Oh, well, that sucks.”

“I have had a lot of work on my hands, so I don’t really fall into the practice of dating. I guess I’m just taking things as they come”

You nod, completely aligned with him. You didn’t see the point in dating apps if its purpose was only to put you out there in the world. You did plenty of that on your own. 

“And sex?” What are you doing?

He snorts, his pearly whites on display. “What about sex?”

Stop before you’re in too deep. “Are you having any?” For Christ's sake.

He bites his lip, amused, taking the last sip from his sprite before setting it aside. “At the moment, no. Why? Are you offering?”

YES.

“No,” you scratch your head, blinking in feign innocence, “just gathering intel to sell to paparazzi before you become a superstar and leave us.”

He crumbles up a napkin, a scrunched up smile on his face, before launching it at you, “You jerk. And no, I’m not fucking anyone.”

God, the way he cusses feels like drugs in my veins.

“Are you asking because you are,” he asks, “are you having sex with someone?”

There’s a sense of childish curiosity in his voice, like peers gossiping about the latest tea, but beneath it is something else. He circles his drink from his hands, eyes locked in place, mouth dropped in a way that screams ‘I dare you to answer’ and how his jaw tenses up after immediately asking, sets a fire into your inner thighs.

You let out a suffocated breath, pinching the skin of your thigh to snap you back into reality before the heat in his gaze singed your mouth shut. “Nope.”

He hums, relief grazing his harsh brows. “Not hung up on anyone?”

“No. Need an ex to be hung up with someone,” you quickly answer, before the bitter taste of regret stings your tongue.

“Interesting.”

You narrow at him. “What's so interesting about it?”

You want me. Just say it so I can lunge across this table to get to you.

“I haven’t seen you in years and you’re beautiful, smart, single. It doesn’t sound right.” He answers with a shrug.

Call me beautiful one more time. I will suck your dick right now under this table. I don’t care about being caught.

“There’s not really a reason, it’s just how it is. And maybe I’m not looking. Considered that?”

The only person I’m looking at is right in front of me—God, I can smell your cologne from here. Fuck. I want to devour you.

“Maybe, but me personally, I’d sweep you up before any guy could get the chance.” He chuckles.

Then do it. Stop teasing me.

“Chanmi would probably kill me tho. Probably say it’d ruin our dynamic.”

Oh shit. Here you were, lost in a head fogged up with lust and you hadn’t considered your best friends seeing you get shacked up with her brother. You were betraying her every second you though about her brother in a lewd sense. Although, she made no indication she’d be bothered by such a thing, but who wouldn’t? You weren’t going to let yourself off on a technicality.

“Don’t think we have much to worry about, though. I think we’ll be just fine.”

His words were like an anchor dropped in your gut. You didn’t know what was worse. Messing around with your best friend’s brother or the possibility of him rejecting the idea before it even started. You lose feelings in your legs, exhaling through your nose, and cry a little on the inside. You force an agreeing smile on your face. “Yeah. Chanmi doesn’t have to worry about anything.”

The meal comes to a close and you tell Chan you should get going home and he insists on driving. You were insane if you were going to spend another second in his presence, knowing fully well how he made you feel. He’s basically rejected you. It was over. Quit trying.

“Let me know if the AC is too cold. I can turn it down.”

You were that insane. 

“All good.”

You sit in silence. The radio envelopes the air and you interlock your hands in discomfort, while Chan focuses on the road. It's not a long drive from your place, but it sure felt like it was. But it gave you all the time to reflect. You needed some of that. Maybe you could get your common sense back.

Of course, Lee Chan wasn’t going to fall for you. Not like this. Maybe if you and his sister weren't attached at the hip, it’s possible. But then again, he would be living a life of fame, the spotlight, other people way hotter and more suitable for him. Face facts.

“So, since you haven’t dated anyone, I’m assuming you’re a virgin.”

Oh. He was going to keep going.

“Um, not quite,” you chuckle nervously.

He raises a brow. “So, you lied to me.”

You shake your head, “Of course not. I’m not having sex right now with anyone or a single person consistently, if that’s what you were saying, but I’ve had sex.”

“Did you?”

Something in his tone makes you want to turn your head to his side. You don’t regret your decision seeing the whites of his knuckles as he grips the wheel. His voice may have sounded friendly, but he held himself taut, visibly restraining himself.

Oh, Chan.

“Yeah. I didn't consider them exes, just flings,” you thought to add.

“Flings.” He repeats. 

You grin to yourself. “Yeah. I think a few times in high school and then a few more in college.”

“My, my. Aren’t you all grown up now?” You can almost hear him gritting his teeth, and you relished in it.

“Well, this is me.” You point at the building Chan forces himself to park at. He tightens his jaw in view, tapping the leather of the wheel in contemplation. Possibly at the revelation you’ve revealed to him. You lean in where your face comes into view, smiling an innocent smile. “Want to come in, Chan?”

You can see the dilemma in his eyes. There's a war going on his brain and either way, he was losing. Inevitably, he helps you unbuckle his seat before deciding to do the same thing to him. He plays your game with a humorless smile. “Why not?”

When you’re finally alone in the comfort of your home, it took everything in you to not jump him right then and there. His eyes scan over your living area, taking in the kick knacks, the tchotchkes you bought over time. It was as if he was rediscovering you, all of you, and for some reason, that made you more nervous than anything else. But that meant he was curious about you. He wanted to know more past what he saw as a child. He wanted to see you.

He snorts, crossing his arms, eyes finally landing on you. “I like your apartment. Am I the only guy you brought here you haven’t fucked?”

That could change.

You shrug, gallantly walking further and further away from him. “I don’t usually bring people over here. If I’m hooking up, it’s usually at their place.”

You let him watch. His eyes trained on your walk, a resisted urge tempted in every step you take. “You know that’s incredibly dangerous, right?”

“Anymore dangerous than letting them know where I live?” you retort.

He saunters over to you, side grinning in challenge. “Why are you trusting towards me?”

“Because,” you mimic his arms, “We have nothing to worry about. You said so.”

He glares down at you, taking one step closer. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Whatever do you mean, friend?”

He cocks his head, “You’re really testing your luck aren’t you, Y/n?”

You shrug, an obvious grin on your face, “I’m not testing anything. Exactly what are you implying?”

“Don’t push me, Y/n. You don’t want to find out what happens.”

“That’s funny,” now you’re the one backing him in a corner, pushing him, showing him, knee his shins until his fingers grip back in the arm of a couch, saying words you only ever dared to think, “Maybe don’t be a coward and fuck me already.”

His breath noticeably hitches and drinks in your assertion and feeds you back tenfold, pushing himself off the couch and colliding your lips, and a shock of immense arousal takes over your body. Goosebumps pebble your skin and involuntarily you moan in the lip lock, taking you longer than necessary to realize that Chan has backed you against a wall.

Your hand crawls into his hair, pushing him down to deepen your kiss as his hard member prods at your stomach. Hands run down to catch him, his clothed cock in your hands, feel how the zipper of his pants constricts him from taking up any more space, and you help spring him free.

“All this fat cock all for me? Chan, you shouldn’t have,” you playfully comment.

“It's what you wanted, isn't it?” He thrusts up against you, hiking up your leg to dig into your already pulsing core. “You want me to want you. To fuck you? Is that it?”

“Yes.” You answer definitely. “I want you to want me so bad it hurts. Just as badly as I want you.”

“It’s not some addiction you have? Move on from one fuck thing to the next?” He questions, venom on his tongue. He speaks with doubt, but his body defies him, drawn to you like opposing ends of a magnet, in need of you as much as you were in need of him.

“I don’t say things I don't 100 percent mean, Chan. If I wanted to just fuck you, I’d do it already.” You squeeze around him slightly tighter, wrapping your fingers around strands of his hair harder, hearing that stuttering grunt of his to reveal itself. “There's fucking, and then there’s you, Chan. I  don’t just want to fuck you. I want to worship you.”

You catch a glimpse of his reaction to your startling response before lightly shove him off of you to get on your knees, scraping them against the textured wood. Lowering yourself gave a good view of the shift in his eyes, watching how they go from pure animosity to earth shattering enthrallment. Your hands come up to his hips, fingering from the waistband of his briefs and pulling it down with his pants, just to push it aside. His cock is big, hard, veiny, perfect to push down your throat. 

You wrap your fingers around his girth, fingers trailing over his veins, counting the estimated inches. Disappointment didn’t even cross your mind.

“You have such a pretty, pretty cock,” you gasp, “have you thought about it? My lips wrapped around your cock. I know I have.”

Chan’s bottom lip gets trapped between his teeth. His eyes dilate as your lips purse over the curve of his tip, kissing the slit. His mind then settles on your previous words, wondering what they entail. “Worship? With that kind of offer, I’d hate to refuse. What about you?”

“What about me?” His shaft hugs the curve of your cheek.

“If you’ll worship me, what’ll happen to you?”

Your smile stretches across your face before kissing his length between speeches. “Well, if you let me. I’ll be all yours. Your tits”—kiss—“ass,”—kiss—“your pussy,”—“your mouth. I’ll be all yours.”

Chan can’t help but smile with you. His hand finds a way to thread through your hair, getting a good angle tug, and ripping a flirtatious giggle from your lips. “I get all that? Deal of the century.”

You hum in agreement before you feel him hug the inside of your mouth, fluttering your eyes at his size. Your tongue runs along his skin, taking it calmly, slowly. You make sure you’re breathing from your nose, savoring every second. 

Chan breathes out controlled breaths, boring his lust driven gaze into your presence. His cock is more than pleased in your hot, wet mouth coating him in drool Your sweet, swollen lips were like the cherry on top of sundae. They were gloriously full and glossy getting him off. “Your lips are perfect around me. And this mouth is mine, you say?”

You nod as you bob down, not expecting him to thrust inside you, flinching against the wall. He puts either hand on either side of your head, holding you in place. Your eyes shut tight, feeling him twitching in your throat before pulling out. A ribbon of translucency stretches from your lips to his head.

“My pretty, little mouth.”

There is a darkness in which he stares at you, like releasing of pandora’s box. He was lost in power, greed, filth. Whatever it was, you were ready for more and you didn’t mind what it took. He pets your hair, dragging his fingers from root to tips, saying his scary final words before he fills your cheeks more with his cock. “Cherish that last breath. You’ll need it.”

Your head stays pinned to the wall, cock plunged in your mouth, the view of Chan’s unfailing erection and groin the only sight you’re able to take in this moment of suffocation. He wasn’t slow with it and he didn’t plan to be. Groaning, his hips push in your mouth, the back of your head hitting the wall behind you with every thrust, and the length flossing the pipe of your throat. You become a makeshift version of a glory hole. Your hands steady themselves on his hips until they are forced to pin above your head.

You wretch at his sheer force, but take every inch. Your tears burn your cheeks, feeling the tremble of your limbs. You cough, gag, swallowing him as you’re pushed past your normal limits and finally meet the base of his cock. He rams in you, lips to lap, mouth stretched and sore. Full didn’t even begin to describe how it felt for him to fuck your mouth like this. 

He shows mercy when he feels close, thrusting in all the way and holds in your mouth for an exact five seconds until he lets you go. Your saliva and his pre-cum dribble all over your chin and neck, but a dazed smile on your face despite the mess. A hand to your neck, he pulls you up from the ground, pressing you full bodily back in the wall. 

“Well, aren’t you a pretty fucking whore.” he hisses.

His hand invades the depths of your pants. Your sopping folds are easy to find as they coat his fingers like syrup, sweet and thick. “Pussy’s mine, hmm? Ass too?”

“Yes. yes, take all of me.” You impulsively part your legs, the gateway of your throat closing up as his grip gets tights. All the stars you were seeing shined brighter than the stars in the damn sky.

Chan tugs off your bottoms, throws it aside like garbage and lifts you on top of a kitchen counter. The cool marble stings your ass cheeks but you hardly notice as Chan nose deep in your pussy. His fingers dig deeper, tongue flicking starved at your entrance. “Sweet Jesus, you’re fucking wet. Fucking dripping down my arm.”

“I wasn’t lying to you, Chan.” Your leg hangs off his shoulder, feeling light as his tongue makes himself home in your warmth. “I want you, every part of you.”

They were more than enough words of encouragement as he’s lost in your thighs. The curve of his lips suck on your clit, eliciting a moan and would forever be ingrained to every wrinkle of his brain. His fingers–now down to his knuckles–traveling you at an unforgivable pace. He makes it known that he’d give you what you want, anything and everything in between, but he wouldn’t give you his patience.

His hand comes down at you hard on the center of your core, rubbing between every strike as he licks deep stripes, causing your whines of ache to grow louder. “More, Chan please. Touch my pussy more, like that.”

Your pain receptors could usually take so much pain, but with Chan, you’d sacrifice your nerves just to have him cum covering every inch of your body. 

Swiftly, he reveals his upper body. Taut, firm muscles, packed in every region. Gleaming with sweat, his honey glazed abs flexes from the tension in his stomach. God, it was better than you ever imagined.

You watch as his strong arms pull you closer in his mouth. He latches on you like a leech, draw circles, finger fucking you until you’re drawing out his name in short bursts. Your jaw drops slack, clenching around his tongue, and pressing himself against you until you’re close. Oh, so close.

He pulls off at the worst moment and before you could protest, you taste your arousal on his tongue, feeling him pull off your blouse in the process. Tits in either of his hands, he roughly squeezes them, pinching tight at your stiff peaks enough for you to let out high pitched screeches. “Chan hurts!”

“Good.” He takes one in his mouth, nibbling one in his teeth before pinching the other one just as hard as before. You’re stuck between pain and pleasure, but as liquid escapes past your legs and the victor is clear.

“My tits…taste so sweet…like honey.” he mumbles.

You feel loved, worshiped, wet. You were wrapped around his finger, and if you get to be soe lucky, he’d feel that same way about you. After he’s done swelling your skin, he’s escorting you to what clearly is your room despite the first time of him being there and he dumps you on the bed.

“Ass in front, right now.”

Promptly, you do as he says, getting on all fours on the bed, lifting your ass welcome for him to take.

“Spread wider. I want to see that pretty pussy.”

Your legs naturally part further, the pigment of your sensitive flesh clear on display. Chan takes initiative. Putting himself between your divide, his tongue finding that familiar sweetness he parted with only a few minutes ago. “You taste so fucking good. I forgot all about saying that while in there earlier. You seem to do that to me.”

His hands come over the flesh of your ass, the sting of his hand is momentary before his tongue’s presence takes over, tasting you, inhaling you delicious scent, “Condom?” He manages to breathe out.

You shake your head, perspiration trailing your forehead. “But I’m clean, and on the pill. Like I said, you can do anything with me.”

Chan is blown over with a sense of relief, fishing his erection before lining up at your slit. He takes full strokes inside you, achingly slow, and you quiver at the fullness but whine when you’re immediately empty. He does that repeatedly, giving you the sensation before he rips it from you in mere seconds.

Yo pound your frustrated fists in the mattress. “Chan give me your cock… I want you please..”

“Really, Is it me you want?” He teases, “Or it is my cock fucking so deep in your pussy you feel it in your mouth?”

Vivid images in your head, you shudder at the depth of his now husky voice, “I want that from you. Only you. Please, I want you to cum in me…”

“Shit.” Hearing that made close already. “F-fine. Just shut the fuck up.”

He thrust in you, finding a pace to reside in. His mouth makes an o-shape at the clench of your wall. “Fuck wet pussy,”—slap—“wet, tight. All for me.”

Chan recalling your moans laced with ecstasy. Hearing you, watching the recoil of your ass hitting his lap, it was something he could get used to, but he could try. He forces his knees on the bed, pushing deeper inside you. He finds your hair before pulling, pushing you into to the mattress and muffling your moans until they melt into an oblivion.

“That reminds me,” he thinks to bring up, not minding the fact you were drowning in the duvet, “what is it you like being called?”

You muffle a response but if you were being honest, you could hardly think with his weight pushed back into you.

“Come on. What is it? Pick your poison.” He slows his pace, a hard, deep stroke taken with every term of endearment, “Baby? Sweetheart? Angel?”

You moan, but not enough.

He blinks, thinking it’s going somewhere when a light bulb goes up in his head. “Mmh, let's try this then. Clench harder, slut.”

You moan even louder, immediately following his command. He then pounds harder in you, lacking any clear remorse as his language becomes grunts, calling you ‘slut’, ‘whore,’ ‘fuckhole,’ every name in the book until you buck at his hips.

Shake as hard as an earthquake, saying his name, speaking your orgasm into existence. It’s all you feel as your vision becomes further away from the comprehensive. You become a lifeless body that takes every second as if you never would again, collapsing on the bed. 

Chan, a man with solutions, flips you on your back. A leg of yours comes up on his chest, ankle over his shoulder and he bottoms out inside you, another tidal wave that jumpstart your adrenaline. “I’m not fucking done with you yet. You said you’d be mine and you will be for as long as I want.”

Your leg takes his side as he folds into you, lips messily meeting yours, tongue tasting the inside of your mouth, he takes you even deeper and your way to feel can't be described as anything else but bliss. You caress his face, while his hand reconnected with your neck. You’re trailing down to feel down his torso, the pads of his fingers pushing against the column of your neck tighter. Life leaving your body, you count each ab, cup each peck, palm over each stiff peak, and trace over each muscle. If you could leave earth by this method, you would. Your voice is raspy, but takes no break from praising him. 

“You’re fucking my pussy so good, feel so fucking good in my hands. Don’t. Fucking. Stop.”

“You like that,” kissing you in a curt repetitive action, sweeter than intended, “can you take…my…cum?”

“Yes,” you frantically nod, “cum in me. I want all your cum in me. Breed me please. I want you, only you, to fuck me, empty out in me, and repeat.”

His load is as warm as a home cooked meal, shooting in you, jerking into your body in a well-practiced motion. His body embraces you, closing in on you, while he tucks you in tight. You only remember the smile on his face when he cums. It looks like love in his eyes, warmth, and you are positive that that’s what it is because you're looking at him the same way. It feels like a perfect happy ending.

But nothing is over until Chan says it is over.

That day turned into night before you know it and all you’ve done is be in each other arms and fucking your shared cum back into places they belong. Despite the performance, Chan ended up being a gentleman, asking you where your spare clean towels were and helping you clean up the mess you’ve made. All the time and energy drained you both and with the lack of motivation to cook, you both called food to be delivered.

In an attempt to be presentable, you take the shirt he once wore and display it on yourself, his scent enveloping you like it were his embrace. That meant Chan had to walk around topless, and by George, that was quite the sight. You join him on the couch. His arm slings over your side, tenderly kissing your face as you feel up his body. You couldn’t help but grin like a love stricken puppy, memorizing every dent of every chiseled muscle, appreciating its entirety. “You’re so fucking sexy.”

Chan hums, before muffling a thanks and taking your kiss-swollen lips in his. “I think you’re sexy.”

You giggle, reciprocating, already finding yourself straddling his lap, and that erection that’s already gone and inflated himself. This man had it all didn’t he?

Then it dawned on you. Maybe too late, but it did.

You part from him, eyes furrowed in worry.

Concern is written all over his face, and he curls your hair behind his ear, “what’s wrong?”

“What are we going to do about Chanmi?”

His expression soon matches yours as he sighs. His hand comes behind your head, kissing foreheads, and curls up in a reassuring smile. “I’m sure she’ll be happy for us.”

“And If she isn’t?”

His hands tighten on the fabric of the shirt. “She’ll just have to.”

“She’s my best friend.”

“And she’s my sister. And I’m her only brother. We are two people she cares about and we’re happy together. Why wouldn’t she be happy?”

Your lips curl up in a small smile. “We’re together?”

His smile reaches his eyes. “I don’t think I’d spend all day like this with you if we weren’t.”

You kiss him, chaste and slow, and letting go before the heat travels back to your head, fogging your rationale. “I like you a lot, Chan.”

“I like you a lot, Y/n.”

“What about your career?”

He rolls his eyes, filling rubbing circles in your hips. “Why? Scared this superstar will run away from you for his chance in the spotlight?”

You grin mischievously, “No, aren’t you worried I’ll outshine you on the red carpet? I’ll be your date for every one of them now.” 

“Then they’ll have no choice but to put me in everything under the sun.” He grins back.

[mahayanapilgrim]

Bodhidharma - the enigmatic founder of Chan Buddhism

Born in the 5th century, Bodhidharma's journey from India to China marked a transformative moment in the development of Chan Buddhism, later influencing Zen in Japan.

At the core of Bodhidharma's teachings lies the concept of

"direct pointing to the mind." In a world often filled with distractions, his emphasis was on stripping away illusions and experiencing one's own mind directly. This invites us to transcend superficial layers of existence and to explore it's essence.

The encounter between Bodhidharma and Emperor Wu highlights a key lesson in his teachings. When questioned about the merit gained from supporting Buddhist temples, Bodhidharma underscored the futility of external acts without genuine understanding. This timeless message encourages us to evaluate the authenticity of our actions, moving beyond ritualistic practices.

Bodhidharma's focus on the "Lankavatara Sutra" illustrates his commitment to a teaching style beyond words. He aimed to transcend the limitations of language, guiding disciples toward direct realization. In a world inundated with information, his approach serves as a reminder that true understanding surpasses intellectual comprehension.

The legend of Bodhidharma intertwines with the emergence of martial arts at the Shaolin Temple. His recognition of the symbiotic relationship between physical and mental discipline laid the foundation for practices like Kung Fu. This integration of mind and body serves as a reminder of the holistic nature of cultivation.

[praesparo]

since i've yet to start & finish making individual posts about my muses (which i will definitely DEFINITELY do soon), here are some quick points about relevant muses! ps. exclusive with all of @excalibiur & @eueclid's muses.

peter parker / spider-man: canon compliant up until peter obtains the anti-venom suit. personally, i feel this completely dismantles peter's growth and arc. the moment he learns to let go of his addiction and accept his own strength as the spider-man he is, he gets ALL the symbiote powers back without the voices in his head. so, in my canon, he instead obtains an all new power that exclusively allows him to penetrate through venom's symbiote and nothing else.

link: although he's known to talk in other medias & does technically have dialogue in his games, i'm deciding to stick with the thematic choice of keeping link as a mute. instead, he uses sign language to communicate.

marc spector / moon knight: don't fuck with the MCU show. garbage. moving on. basing my interpretation from his 2016-2024 runs.

remy lebeau / gambit: no inspiration or influences from channing tatum what so ever. primarily based on his individual runs from 2012 onwards as well as the rogue & gambit, excalibur and mr & mrs X runs as well as the recent uncanny x-men run. also, shipping is open but will be super selective and take a lot of plotting so he's with rogue in canon unless stated otherwise. the man is a rogue simp 24/7 what can i say.

wally west / flash: anti-cw. primarily from his dawn of DC run.

[harry-peter]

It's interesting, this gorgeous piece of art by Dennis Chan is titled "Harry saves Peter" and captioned, "Key-frame illustration showing the moment when Harry save Peter from dying by transferring the entire symbiote suite."

But I was kinda under the impression that Harry didn't save Peter from dying on purpose, it was all the symbiote. (Harry no doubt would have saved Peter at the cost of his own life, I'm sure about that, but he didn't know how or that the symbiote was even capable of transferring from person to person.) That fits in with what Harry says later, that he doesn't know what happened.

So I wonder if this was something that subtly changed as the story was developed. Harry making a conscious choice to sacrifice himself for Peter would have considerably changed some things, I think.

[haikyuumood]

Iwaoi HC? random thoughts

Nowadays I think a lot back to the little bitsy talk Iwaizumi and Oikawa have after they lose to Karasuno... idk what you call that part but that short story where Iwaizumi tells Oikawa that he's never gonna be happy even as an old man etc. etc. but you're my partner that I'm proud of etc. BUT I will ruin you if we find each other on the other side of the net

I really love that dynamic in part because that's just what Iwa-chan would say, right? 🥹 he's such a cool guy who says what he means and means it when he says it. I think these two also had a healthy dose of rivalry between them growing up, not unlike what Kageyama and Hinata have. But given Oikawa's attitude towards the role of the setter, his relationship with Iwaizumi in volleyball was probably more symbiotic / outwardly more supportive of each other in a way that Kageyama and Hinata didn't get to be given their personalities 😂

The point being, when Iwaizumi says he's proud of you, he's proud of you. If he says you're good, you're doing something right. Although it seems unlikely that Iwaizumi and Oikawa really went against each other after graduation (maybe I'm remembering this wrong, but Oikawa went to Argentina nearly right after hs? at 18? then Iwaizumi is in the States for a bit, then gets a uni degree) I like to think they at least had informal matches... I refuse to believe that Iwaizumi did not go to see Oikawa when he first went to Argentina...

Ok I just went to reread vol 45 bc I wanted to make sure that Oikawa left Japan pretty early and damn that Olympics part make me so happy

now Iwaizumi really needs to have visited Oikawa when he went to the US c'mon that's what I would have done for my bestie 😭

Returning to my initial point of obsession -- and the initial point of this post was that I wanted to see some iwaoi who get together after the time post skip. and they need to have seen each other as pretty much just friends before then... there's a fic idea there somewhere for later probably...

[strawberryya]

ghost pipe

lee chan x reader

synopsis: He's a reckless driver, you're not. If only there could have been some balance - maybe it could have all worked out in the end...?

word count: 1.2k

genre/contains: angst, established relationship, reckless driving, a rather toxic relationship, mentions of previous arguments

rating: pg-13

a/n: thank u @wondernus for the header!! and thank u @idyllic-ghost for proofing it for me! and if anyone is interested: go listen to the entirety of lizzy mcalpine's album but specifically reckless driving which was the thing that occupied my mind and inspired this little take on it with chan :))

the little symptom sentences are from this website.

.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・.

The ghost pipe, also known as Monotropa uniflora, cannot photosynthesize due to its lack of chlorophyll. It survives by feeding off of the surrounding trees. Unlike similar relationships between fungi, plants, and trees, the relationship involving the Ghost pipe is not symbiotic. The Ghost pipe does not appear to give anything back to its host plants. In other words, pipe plants are parasitic… 

It was always going to end like this. From the moment you kissed him goodbye on your first date, you both knew. It was sweet, breathtaking, and mind-numbing. You two were everything good in your world and everything that should never have been at the same time. 

Chan was so perfect until he wasn’t, and yet he had never actually changed. 

His touch was what you craved, his smile was what made your day, and his words were what killed you. With a single “I love you,” he could shatter your entire world, everything you had fought to build and to preserve from him. Any wall either of you put up would soon be breached in one way or another, pain-free or so very painfully. 

Even now, he wanted to know, he needed to understand what you were feeling. Your eyes were focused on the road, not even acknowledging the way he stared at you from behind his oh-so-caring expression. 

“Please look at the road,” you mumbled, hoping he didn’t see the way your entire body was tensing up with every number ticking up on the speedometer. 

“It’s fine.” 

It’s not fine, you thought. Why can’t he be more careful when driving? You wondered as you had so many times before. But you didn’t move, you didn’t meet his gaze even when it was burning your skin.

Boundaries are leaking, the patient may feel hijacked. 

“Just tell me what’s wrong,” he said, his tone was pleading but not enough to hide the demanding one hiding behind it. You knew he cared, you knew he wanted to make sure you were ok. Clearly, it still wasn’t enough for you to nod as you clenched your jaw to keep those burning tears from escaping the hold you had on them. He could still tell something was wrong and he wouldn’t let it go; he never did. 

“Why are you ignoring me?” 

The scenery was a blur at this point, you felt sick. You didn’t want to be stuck in the car with him right now; it felt so suffocating. The speed of the car accelerating pushing your body back into your seat kept pulling at your nerves while telling you exactly how Chan was feeling as he unconsciously pressed down on the gas. He didn’t have any control right now, you could feel it in your guts as your entire body yelled at you to make the car stop. If he would just drive a bit less recklessly…

Chan felt his heart sink as he stared at your tense hands in your lap, clenching the fabric of your jacket and laying across your legs to keep you warm in the chilly air of the car. Why were you acting like this? Did he do something to hurt you again? He didn’t remember. 

You had been alright the entire morning, breakfast had been eaten as usual, in silence while you both read your respective morning news on your phones. You had even kissed him like you always do before you both headed out the door, you seemed happy. During the entire hour since you had woken up in his arms, you showed no signs of anything being wrong. The morning had been unusually pain-free. No arguments, no passive-aggressive comments from either of you, nothing had happened that would spur your reaction right now. Why were you distancing yourself like this again? 

He wasn’t even thinking about his foot on the pedal, pressing only slightly harder the longer he stared at your figure in the dim morning light. 

“Please, just look at the road, I don’t wanna…” you said again, your shaky voice giving away just how much you were keeping hidden. Still, you held out a bit of hope that you would be able to keep this from blowing up in your face, contrary to everything else in your life. 

Sensations of being constricted, pressurized, or explosive may occur.

“Answer me,” he contradicted your plea. 

Your head snapped over to him, meeting his burning eyes, “Just, please! I can’t do this right now.” 

It was a bad choice, you discovered. You felt your heart stop when you saw him, hands barely even on the steering wheel, eyes brimming with tears matching the ones in yours. Fuck. You didn’t want to hurt him, of course, you didn’t. Could you let go without him being hurt though? 

“I… I hate that you always drive like this,” you said, your voice only faltering ever so slightly. Your teary eyes bore into his with the passionate hatred that the simple fact that he never thought twice before throwing himself out into the heavily trafficked roads had set off within you even after the surprisingly uneventful morning you two had had. 

He didn’t answer you, but you saw how his hand twitched around the wheel. 

This wasn’t the first time you had told him you felt unsafe when he drove like that. He knew that, and yet… he always felt so safe when you were there that he didn’t even think twice when he sped up, going way past the limit and making your thoughts go to places you didn’t want to go. 

“I love you,” was all he said, his voice a bare whisper, his words a last plea because he knew that wasn’t all you hated. 

“I can’t. It hurts so much.” 

You were crying now, tears running down your cheeks, staining them with the saltiness they contained. he felt you slipping away with every drop that traced down your neck and wetted the collar of your shirt. 

“Don’t say that,” he whispered, the sound of the car almost drowning his words out into nothingness. 

“I can’t love you like that anymore.”

“Please stop it,” he said, his voice growing firmer as his heart broke into even tinier pieces with every tear that fell down your lap. 

“If I don’t… I think I might die,” you gasped, trying to get the words to come out in between your shallow breaths and tears that wouldn’t - couldn’t - stop.

Chan wanted to argue that he loved you enough for the both of you, but he couldn’t say a single word. He knew it had been there, but he didn’t want to let go just yet, he couldn’t let you go like that. Not when you were the best thing that had happened to him; not when he didn’t know if he would ever have anything better. 

Your eyes flickered over to the road, your heart dropping as they came back to Chan’s gaze still locked on you as if you would disintegrate if he looked away. 

“Please! Look at the road Chan!” you cried out, making him finally tear his gaze away from you when he saw the bright red lights flashing in the distance and lighting up the dark morning road. His foot slammed on the brakes, his entire body tensed up as he realized just how close the cars in front of him were standing. 

Patients may feel cut off, numb, and isolated. A vital connection has been broken, they feel left out, rejected, and alienated. 

.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・..・。.・゜✭・.

Reblogging and commenting is highly appreciated!! Hearing what you thought is what makes writing and being here overall so much fun! Ty and ily 💕

[navigation post!]

[raccoon-macaroon]

The Watchman of the Underworld: A Deep Dive into Book 6

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS FOR BOOK 6, OBVIOUSLY.

Your girl finally beat Book 6, and it was totally crazy! I had to read it a couple of times to try to piece together some more ambiguous parts of the story, mainly about Ortho. After letting it simmer in my brain for a while, I'd like to give my interpretation of the story with references from the game; maybe this can help other players make sense of the story. My interpretation is by no means the end all be all, and I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Note: For the purposes of this deep dive, I will be referring to the original, human brother of Idia as OG Ortho. The humanoid robot Idia created and modeled after his brother will be referred to as Robo Ortho.

First, the catalyst of the series of events: Why did Ortho go rogue and shut down the Cerberus security system?

Initially, I thought it was OG Ortho who encouraged Robo Ortho to shut down Cerberus; then later, I thought it must have been a phantom impersonating him, because OG Ortho wouldn't do something so bad, would he? After that, I realized it WAS OG Ortho who was encouraging Robo Ortho to shut down Cerberus and release the phantoms.

But why would sweet OG Ortho do such a thing?

First and foremost, in OG Ortho's mind, he is doing this to help his brother. Idia is essentially heir to a kingdom of death, unable to choose any other path in life but running Styx and the Underworld. (I also think the Shrouds and the Underworld may have a symbiotic relationship; the Shrouds need blot to burn, in theory, or their curse will start eating away at their own bodies. The Shrouds need to live in the underworld; they are bound to it. I think Idia can attend school away from the Underworld because he is using magic and producing blot, which he can then burn. Plus, blot is composed of negative emotions, which our gloomy boy has plenty of. But I digress) When Robo Ortho begins considered ways to alter Idia's fate after hearing Vil's words about change and not wanting things to stay the status quo, OG Ortho seizes this opportunity to coerce Robo Ortho into shutting down Cerberus, which will cause the phantoms to be set free, the rest of humanity to be turned into phantoms, and for Idia to be able to live whatever kind of life he chooses, as the world will be "reset."

I believe that the voice that Robo Ortho hears IS the OG Ortho, because the voice says, "I've been here long before you were born" (or created).

Robo Ortho, upon hearing the voice say "Idy" (Nii-chan, in Japanese), says, "Wait, is it you?!" as if he is recognizing this voice. Who else could this be but OG Ortho? In the aftermath of the battle, when Idia is rebooting Robo Ortho, Ortho says "I thought both the original Ortho and I got swallowed by the Underworld..." This confirms that the voice was, in fact, OG Ortho.

So what IS OG Ortho?

I believe this is intentionally ambiguous, but I have a few theories. OG Ortho was killed by the phantom, and became a spirit locked within Tartarus. Another theory is that OG Ortho himself became a phantom banished to Tartarus. That would make sense, because a young boy brutally murdered would probably have a lot of negative emotions and produce a lot blot upon his death, possibly turning him into a phantom. This would also explain the seemingly sinister nature of OG Ortho coercing Robo Ortho. Either way, OG Ortho is a dead entity locked in Tartarus.

So who's doing this? Robo Ortho or OG Ortho?

Both.

After shutting down Cerberus, Ortho(?) appears to Idia in a hologram communication. After explaining the plan to Idia, he writes it off as a bug, until Ortho(?) calls him "Idy". This is a name that ONLY OG Ortho ever called Idia; Robo Idia seemingly never called him by that name (In Japanese, Nii-chan vs. Nii-san, the first being less formal and more familiar).

As soon as Idia hears this, he knows that this is OG Ortho, communicating through Robo Ortho's robotic body. Despite "knowing what happened to Ortho that day", Idia realizes that the only ones who can shut down the Cerberus System are people with the Shroud family DNA. Earlier in the chapter Idia explicitly states that Robo Ortho does not have the clearance or permissions to shut down Cerberus, and he certainly doesn't have any DNA. This confirms to Idia that the person speaking to him is indeed OG Ortho. Idia, overcome by emotion of hearing the voice of his dead brother, rushes to the underworld gate and overblots.

Well, why didn't OG Ortho just open the Underworld gate and climb out right after he died??

He didn't have the means to. He needed a physical helper, in this case, Robo Ortho. I believe that OG Ortho seized on the opportunity to easily influence Robo Ortho, as he was focused on how to change the future for Idia.

So what happens to the Orthos in the end?

Both Orthos seem to be swallowed up into a Hades-shaped phantom seen in the boss battle against Idia. Once they are defeated, the big phantom containing both Orthos plunges back into Tartarus, with Vil being unable to save him, probably due to his massive size.

Luckily, Robo Ortho is able to be revived due to Grim eating his memory card. Grim probably wanted to eat the black stone that appears after someone overblots; in this case, instead of a black stone, it was a memory card, due to Robo Ortho being a Robotic being.

So what about OG Ortho?

Initially, I thought the Ortho seen in Idia's memory telling him it's not time for him to join him yet, is Robo Ortho and a manifestation of his "spirit" as he "dies" and his memory card falls into the underworld. I realized that this is incorrect, and this is in fact, OG Ortho. I know this for two reasons: First, this Ortho calls Idia "Idy". Whenever this nickname is used, we know that it is OG Ortho, as he uses it exclusively. Secondly, this is the only time in the game (so far) that we see Ortho's entire face at once, both his eyes and his mouth. I believe this is to symbolize that this IS the OG Ortho; Robo Ortho always appears with either his eyes or mouth covered, as if to suggest that he is not "completely" Ortho.

So why does OG Ortho in the flashback have Robo Ortho's robot body?

During the end of this chapter, it is implied that OG Ortho had taken over Robo Ortho's body, or that they were at least sharing a body, so it makes sense for him to appear in this form (also, I imagine the developers did not want to have to create a whole 2D Live model for OG Ortho for one scene; showing his whole face was enough to communicate which Ortho he was).

So who is the current Ortho?

After replacing his memory card, Robo Ortho is restored. He awakes and states "How am I here? I thought both the original Ortho and I got swallowed by the Underworld..." (again reinforcing that the OG Ortho had fused with Robo Ortho in the big phantom).

Idia explains that he replaced his memory card, to which Robo Ortho replies "In that case, I wonder if the original Ortho..." This is meant to be ambiguous, and is ambiguous in the original Japanese as well, where Ortho says something like "In that case, that person..."

Robo Ortho then states that the area around his memory card feels warm. He states "I feel it. Ortho is right here."

I believe he is referring to the memories left by OG Ortho. Idia doesn't seem to catch on to this, and writes it off as an irreparable bug that gives Robo Ortho his own will, and that he "has a heart now" possibly due to the electric shocks from the thunder spear. But we know that Robo Ortho now has a heart due to fact that he and OG Ortho had, for a time, become one being, sharing thoughts, feelings, and memories, as Robo Ortho explicitly states, "The memories and feelings Ortho left me all reside withing my core. I am Ortho, and Ortho is me."

Robo Ortho is now, effectively, a “perfectly programmed” Ortho, having all of OG Ortho’s original thoughts, feelings, and memories. Robo Ortho is more or less a carbon copy of OG Ortho now, rather than just an AI modeled after him (plus Robo Ortho’s own experiences). Any oversights on Idia’s part of coding him to be like his brother have been overwritten; he is now nearly exactly like OG Ortho, having shared memories. Idia does not seem to truly grasp the gravity of Ortho's experience, and is more concerned with Robo Ortho's new free will.

So is Robo Ortho now the same as OG Ortho?

Almost. Outside of Robo Ortho’s own unique lived experiences, they share the same “base” which is OG Orthos thoughts, feelings, and memories.

(Initially I thought that OG Ortho and Robo Ortho had fused and become one being, and OG Ortho's "spirit" was now residing in Robo Ortho's body, but now I think that the shared memories, thoughts, and feelings shared between them essentially copied OG Ortho's "heart" into Robo Ortho. I believe OG Ortho now resides in the Underworld, awaiting the day when Idia will join him after he has lived a long and happy life.)

However, in the end, this does not particularly matter as Robo Ortho has been Idia's "real brother" for "a long time."

Maybe all of this was obvious to other readers, but it wasn't to me, so maybe this can help some other players as well. I hope my word vomit made some sort of sense.

I'd love to hear what you think in the comments, and if you agree or disagree with my analysis.

I'm hoping Book 7 will be this juicy and drama filled when it comes our way!

[gothicprep]

i like contrapoints because, in my opinion, she's one of the few big names online that understands that coming off as non-judgmental is a lot more rhetorically powerful than it's often credited for. the one really big criticism i do have of her is though that her grasp on internet history isn't the greatest and i think it drives her to bad conclusions sometimes.

two claims i'd contest are the one in her incels video about alana's involuntary celibacy project in the incels video, and some of the framing she does around chris-chan in her cringe video. the alana/invcel thing comes up a lot when people talk about the incelosphere because i think people almost *want* it to be true. like, how much of a dunk would it be for this community to be the corrupted downstream of a concept first articulated by a queer woman! but this isn't really true, to act like there was a linear progression from alana's involuntary celibacy project is leaving a lot out, mainly that what we understand as the contemporary incelosphere is mostly a backlash to PUA and early red pill stuff. even the term "involuntary celibate" wasn't something alana influenced, someone with too much time on his hands dug it up from a henry flynt book from the 60s. and like, as for chris-chan, there's so much to unpack with that one, but it is probably worth pointing out that she does have kind of a symbiotic relationship with her trolls.

another thing i've taken issue with is her paywalled tangent vid about new atheism. this one can probably be chalked up to it being more intended as, like, a retrospective of her experience in the youtube atheism scene, but new atheism was mostly a product of usenet coming about when one of the big culture war issues of the time was creationism in schools, and this was all hot off the heels of the satanic panic. 9/11 didn't help, but it definitely wasn't the genesis point, nor were the "four horsemen" as they liked to call themselves. talk.origins went up in 1998, and alt.atheism goes back to 1990 and was incredibly popular. also, like. feminism did very much kill atheism. it's not because of anything malicious that feminists did, but because there are always topics that take up more oxygen online than anything else, and feminism became that thing after we all sort of tacitly decided that we were fucking sick of arguing about religion.

i know this sounds like a nitpick, but when you deal in the domain of internet bullshit, it's generally best practice to have a firm grasp on the origin stories for all these varying trends and how the moving parts interacted with one another. it just lends to more accurate analysis,. as a boomer would say, the more things change, the more they stay the same. ime this has been extremely true of the internet.

[braveclementine]

Middle

Warnings: 18+readersonly, mentions of rape/sexual harassment/sexual assault, lots of angst both past and present

Copyright: I do not own any Marvel characters or locations. However, I do own my OCs, which consist of Penny Fury, Elizabeth Nelson, Elijah Chan, Katya Venice, Violetta Moscow, Lan Le, Josh, Trang Tien, Ahni Jallow, Mai Ito, and Ghaida Kashual as well as other OCs that will come up throughout the story.

Sorry the memories are so long, but most of this is the real background I had set up for my character when I was writing the Frozaline comic- with some obvious differences for this particular book. 

👨‍🔬🪖 Ŝ丅๏𝔯Ⓨ ☁️❄️

Clint ran from the room then and Natasha rose, almost as though she was going to go after him. Heimdall however said, "He'll be right back." 

Elizabeth's memories showed nothing super exciting after that. Mostly school and getting ready to go back to Siberia. There were also some memories with her dad, in the suburb that they lived in now. Playing baseball and stuff like that. Her father looked older once again, this time in his late forties or so. His black hair was almost all gone, turning gray. 

Clint came back, holding something tightly in his hand as he sat back down. Penny looked over and saw that it was the sling ring and he was smiling slightly. 

Then, it turned where Elizabeth was thirteen or fourteen-ish and she was in a cage full of others. Bucky was fighting them and two of them took him down, punching his face in. Elizabeth was trying to fight off one of the others as well, but the man had her held up by her throat against the cage bars. 

Bucky growled, kicking them off and grabbing the other soldier away from Elizabeth, slamming him into the ground. 

"Enough!" Pierce called out and they stopped fighting. The doctors came to analyze them. And that was when the fight broke out, them killing the doctor. 

"Get me out of here." Pierce ordered Bucky and Bucky grabbed his shoulder, marching him to the door. Until Elizabeth let out a cry, two of the soldiers taking her down. Bucky shoved Pierce through the door, running back, fighting his way through them to get to her. 

"Sebastian!" Elizabeth shouted, reaching out as the man punched her across the face. Bucky grabbed her arm, yanking her into him and running for the exit. The door slammed shut behind them and he marched away with her, Elizabeth shaking as he did so. 

And now she was sitting in a room, with Rumlow and Pierce standing in it as well. Bucky was restrained in his chair and Elizabeth was trying to read from a piece of paper in a shaking voice. " Желание.  Ржавый.  Семнадцать.  Р-Pассвет-" 

*SMACK*

As Elizabeth stuttered over the fourth word in Bucky's trigger words, Rumlow slapped her across the face and she fell out of her chair onto the floor. 

"It's ' Рассвет'." Rumlow snarled. "How can you be so stupid?" 

Elizabeth pushed herself off the floor, shaking. "I- I'm sorry sir." 

"Rumlow." Pierce said, sternly. "Please." He walked over and knelt in front of Elizabeth. "It's alright honey. He was wrong to hit you. You have been doing well with the words." 

"She can't even get through all of them." Rumlow threw his hands up. "And you want her to replace me as the handler for the asset?" 

"She will get there." Pierce said. "And her and the asset have a special connection that the asset hasn't formed with anyone else here. Nor will he kill her, like the past couple of handlers. We have time. Try again E." 

"I- I can't." Elizabeth said, shaking her head. "It hurts him." 

" Желание, Ржавый, Семнадцать, Рассвет, Печь, Девять, Добросердечный, Возвращение на Родину, Один, Товарный вагон" Rumlow rattled off and Bucky started screaming half way through them. Elizabeth pushed her hands over her ears, squeezing her eyes shut again. 

Bucky stopped screaming and said, " Я жду приказов" 

Rumlow and Piece exchanged a look. Pierce looked disappointed, "Brock, this is not conducive. The whole point of their symbiotic relationship is they protect each other." 

"Then let's prove it." Rumlow smirked. "Soldat, punish her." 

"NO!" Bucky shouted, leaping up from the couch. Steve and Sam each pulled him down gently, holding him in their arms. 

Bucky stalked towards Elizabeth who didn't move, only staring up at him in sadness. His fist came down and hit her across the face. Once, twice, three times. Finally, Elizabeth cried out, "Sebastian!" 

Bucky's fist froze in the air, his entire body still. He breathed in heavily, his blue eyes on her brown ones. "Sebastian come back." Elizabeth whispered. 

"Soldat, punish her." Rumlow growled. 

Bucky's fist came down again, but this time punching into the stone. Then he stood up, turning on Rumlow with angry eyes. Rumlow took a few steps back as Bucky stormed towards him, "Soldat, it was just a test-" 

Bucky slammed Rumlow up against the wall, "Test me any way you want. But you never, ever put her in harms way, ever again." Bucky snarled and then dropped Rumlow on the ground. He turned, coming back to Elizabeth and lifting her into his arms like she weighed nothing, storming from the room. 

"Sebastian?" Elizabeth questioned, putting a hand against his cheek. 

He didn't answer, carrying her into another room that they hadn't seen before. It seemed to be a med center of some sort and he grabbed something from a freezer. He cracked it, putting it against her face. "I'm sorry." 

Elizabeth shook her head, "It wasn't you. It was them. And those words. I won't use them against you Seb, I just won't. I can't." 

Bucky kissed the top of her head. "I know." 

It shifted again. Elizabeth was still in HYDRA, but Bucky was nowhere to be seen. Lucinda was talking to Pierce and was saying, "-part Asgardian. A race of Gods and Goddesses. They live for thousands of years." 

"And she has this gene?" Pierce was questioning. Elizabeth was reading a book, a stuffed dog in her lap now. 

"Apparently from her mothers' side." Lucinda agreed. 

"So it's genetic?" Pierce nodded. "Mating her with the asset would create a potential super race." 

"Of super soldiers." Lucinda nodded. "I'm suspecting that her period of having children is longer than most women as well, considering they live longer." 

"How old is she then?" Pierce asked. 

"She ages slowly." Lucinda said. "I would say based on my soulmates age and stories he says, she would technically be around thirty." 

Pierce whistled lowly. "And she only looks fourteen. The asset is near immortal too with the serum we created. And of course, added to with Stark's formula. They may end up being the last race on Earth after their children come around." 

"We must wait though." Lucinda said sharply. "My daughter still acts younger in some ways. She is not ready." 

"No." Pierce agreed. "But we should start her towards being so. She dresses like a little kid still. It is not attractive towards the asset." 

"I will see what we can do." Lucinda nodded. 

The next memory showed a very stark contrast of Elizabeth. Her long brown hair was now curled in a fashion that wouldn't have stood out in Steve and Bucky's time. She was wearing a dark blue dress that matched Bucky's eyes, along with a neckerchief. It was complete with black polished shoes and white stockings as well. 

"Sebastian!" Elizabeth sang as she came into the room. Bucky was laying on his bed, tossing something into the air and catching it. He looked over at her as she came in and the object in the air crashed down on his face as he missed it. 

"Seb!" Elizabeth yelped, "Are you okay?" 

Bucky had sat up, rubbing his cheek, his eyes scanning her up and down. "Y-Yeah fine, doll." 

Elizabeth tilted her head to the side, "Doll?" 

"I- it slipped." Bucky said, standing up quickly. "Sorry." 

"I like it." Elizabeth said happily, "Anyways, Seb, let's go!" 

"Where?" Bucky let her drag him along, unable to take his eyes off of her. 

"Outside! We're allowed outside!" Her eyes glowed with excitement. "But only for a little while." 

Bucky went with her and the guards opened the doors. The forest was snowy and so was the path. Elizabeth smiled, lifting a hand up to catch the snowflakes while Bucky blinked at the glaring sun. 

"C'mon doll." Bucky suddenly said, rearranging his hold on her hand. The two of them walked through the forest. Elizabeth looking at everything, smiling brightly. But Bucky only had eyes for her and soon enough, he was even smiling softly too. 

Elizabeth started to sing some song in Russian. Penny couldn't keep up with it as the girl skipped through the forest, Bucky running after her. She lost herself in the melody, the song lifting her spirits. As they reached the end, which was at a cliff, Bucky suddenly wrapped his arm around her waist and picked up the lines. 

Penny had never heard Bucky sing before, ever. His voice was rich, deep, and in the Russian language, it was lovely. She looked over now and saw tears falling from his eyes while both Steve and Sam seemed a little awed by Bucky's singing. 

The memory faded though and when the next one came up, Elizabeth was in some sort of museum. She was clearly with her class and Penny could pick out a young Ghaida and Trang. Ghaida was by herself and Trang was chatting wildly with a Hispanic girl. Elizabeth trailed behind last. 

"The World War II exhibit. You have ten minutes to look around." The tour guide called out and the other kids dispersed. 

Elizabeth wandered around, looking at the different planes and stuff. She stopped in front of Steve Rogers and started reading. Then the screen changed, pulling up Bucky's picture. She gasped and then looked around conspicuously. She stepped forwards, pausing it and reading everything about it, before going back to Steves'. 

Her lips moved and then she was hurrying away from them, over to the brochures. She scanned them, flipping through them, before shoving one up her long sleeves. 

"No, no, no what are you doing?" Bucky moaned, putting his hands over his face. "Why Elizabeth?" 

"Sebastian." Elizabeth hissed as she crept up behind him. Bucky turned and saw her there. 

"What's up do-" 

She grabbed his arm, dragging him away. She kept glancing around, dragging him down an abandoned hallway, then through a door, and down into a restricted part of the base. 

"What are we doing?" Bucky asked. 

Elizabeth pulled out the brochure and whispered, "Your name is Bucky." 

"What?" Bucky asked, taking the brochure from her. He read through it, frowning, scanning bits and then looked up at her. "Where did you get this?" 

"My class went on a field trip." She murmured. "Bu-" 

"No." Bucky hissed, dragging her further down the tunnel. "Are you insane? Why did you bring this here?" 

"Because you needed to know-" 

"Elly," Bucky said sternly. "Listen to me. If you get caught with this-" 

"But I didn't-" 

"We have to destroy it." Bucky said, looking around wildly. "Damnit." 

"Buck-" 

"Don't." Bucky pinched her lips with his fingers. "Never, ever use this name. It's to much of a risk. If someone overheard you-" 

"Like me." 

Both of them spun around to see Rumlow standing there. Even Penny hadn't seen him and it gave her a heart attack. 

Rumlow started forwards, grabbing Elizabeth's shirt collar. "You stupid, stupid girl. You could have ruine-" 

Bucky grabbed Rumlow around the neck. "Let. Her. Go." 

"You're out of line Soldat." Rumlow snarled, but let Elizabeth go anyways. Bucky released him. 

"I told her to find it." Bucky lied. "I was already remembering." 

Rumlow chuckled, "Protective as always Soldat. Give me that." 

Bucky handed over the brochure. Rumlow flicked it open and snorted. "God. Hopeless. Let's go. You-" He yanked Elizabeth in front of him and took out his gun. "Any funny business behind me Soldat and I'll shoot her in the back." 

The memory faded and it came to Elizabeth crawling through a vent. It was dead silent wherever she was as she crawled to the edge of it. The sound of a whip suddenly cut through the air and a cry fell from Bucky's lips somewhere below her. 

"Shit." Bucky whispered. "Not this." 

"Buck?" Steve asked softly. 

Bucky sunk to the floor, putting his back against the couch and covered his face with his hands. "Not this." Penny wanted to comfort him, but Steve and Sam sunk to the floor with him and Clint hugged him from behind. 

Elizabeth peered out the vent and what was on scene made Penny's blood boil. Bucky was completely naked, his arms chained behind his back. He had a collar around his neck, which was leashed to a metal pole in the middle of the room. He was on his knees, sitting on his side. His head was hanging down, his brown hair curtained around his face. 

Pierce was in the room, only wearing jeans and a belt. He had a whip in his hand and continued to bring it down on Bucky's shoulders. 

Then, Pierce dropped the whip just as Elizabeth started to open the vent. Pierce cupped Bucky's jaw, bringing it towards him. "You're such a good boy for me James." 

Steve suddenly stood straight up, looking like he wanted to murder someone. Penny felt exactly the same way. She remembered her father always having this man over for dinner, someone her father had trusted and called friend. She glanced over and saw that her father was glaring at the memory, also looking like he wanted to kill someone. 

Penny wished they were all still alive: Pierce, Rumlow, Jackson, Sharon, just so she could kill them with her bare hands. She wished she had gotten a go at any of them.

Elizabeth climbed out of the vent, landing on the balcony above. She looked furious, glaring at the scene. She crouched down, looking through the bars as Pierce kissed Bucky on the lips and whispered. "Good boy." 

Then Pierce stood up and exited the room, leaving Bucky there. 

Elizabeth went to leap over the banister, but hands grabbed her and she crashed to the floor. Rumlow hoisted her up, slamming her against the wall. Unlike the other times though, he didn't look furious. In fact, he was grinning now. 

"It arouses you, doesn't it?" Rumlow smirked. 

Elizabeth didn't move, just glaring at him, clearly trained not to hit him or fight back. 

"Seeing him all submissive?" Rumlow asked, purring against her ear. "Want to feel it?" 

Rumlow pushed her skirt up and she glared at him, "Don't touch me." 

"You can't stop me." Rumlow chuckled, "Unless you want him to get a little punishment from me too." 

Elizabeth yelped, pushing up on her tip toes, a look of pain coming over her face, "Ow!" 

"Oh stop, it doesn't hurt that bad." Rumlow sighed. 

"No! Ow! Stop! That hurts!" Elizabeth cried out. 

Penny could feel Rhodey's muscle flexing around her, clearly wanting to murder him too. Penny was shaking and she could feel Natasha's anger. Actually, she could feel all of her soulmates anger through the bonds and the rest of the anger on the air. It was livid. 

Suddenly, Rumlow was thrown backwards and a metal arm pushed Elizabeth away as well. Bucky stood there, the leash torn in half, his eyes glaringly angry. "She. Said. Stop." 

"Soldat!" Pierces' voice called angrily from the other room. 

"Masters calling." Rumlow sneered. 

Bucky didn't answer, turning. He wrapped his metal arm around Elizabeth's waist, dropping into the other room. The metal pole was bent, but not broken, the second half of the leash still there. And the chains that had kept Bucky's arms behind his back were twisted pieces of metal. 

Pierce glared at Bucky as he set Elizabeth on her feet, "I told you to stay." 

"I- I called for him." Elizabeth lied. "Rumlow was-" 

"He was touching her." Bucky growled. "She's mine. He doesn't get to touch her." 

Elizabeth blushed darkly. 

Pierce sighed, "Then it's excusable. You're both dismissed." 

They went together and Bucky put clothes on in his room. 

"How did you know to come?" Elizabeth asked softly, taking a bandage and wrapping Bucky's wrist where he was bleeding from breaking out of the chain. 

"I heard you." Bucky whispered. "You were in pain." 

"I didn't like it. It hurt." Elizabeth whispered. 

"I know." Bucky whispered. 

Elizabeth knelt down, resting her head against his knee while he sat on the bed. "Are you okay?" 

Bucky reached down, picking her up lightly, pulling her into him as he laid down on the bed. The two of them cuddled into each other. "Yes. You're here." 

The next memory was Elizabeth walking, hesitating before opening a door. 

Like the other scene, this one made Penny's blood boil. 

Pierce was sitting in his chair at the head of the table, his legs wide apart. Bucky was sitting between them, his head resting on Pierce's left leg. His wrists and ankles were chained and he had a collar around his neck again. Pierce was stroking his long hair. 

"Ah good." Pierce said, holding out an arm and Elizabeth approached silently. Pierce wrapped the arm around her, pulling her onto his right leg. 

"Is she for sale?" One of the men immediately asked with a smirk. Bucky growled and Pierce laughed at that. 

"Careful, gentlemen, the dog is quite protective of the kitty cat." Pierce smirked. "And, vice versa. Best not to say anything unkind about one in front of the other." 

The rest of the men around the table smirked. Penny felt pity towards Elizabeth, who was clearly uncomfortable where she was. She was also wearing more revealing clothes than any of the previous times. She too, had a collar around her neck, though thinner than Bucky's. 

Penny gave a start as suddenly, Natasha started to cry. Natasha got up and threw herself into Bucky's arms. "I'm so sorry James." 

Bucky hugged her back tightly. Penny glanced over and saw her father had tears in his eyes. God that was affecting all of them. She looked and saw Elijah was pacing in the back of the room, clearly thinking. Wanda had tears streaming down her face, even as she continued to show Elizabeth's memories. 

Rhodey pulled her in tighter and she settled on his lap, hugging him back as tightly as possible. 

It faded and now Elizabeth was in a cage. It was small, barely able to hold her. She was sitting with her back against the bars and her feet pressed up against the other side, her knees bent. She was wearing the collar, the end of the leash connected to the bars above. 

The scene shifted and it was a bigger cage now, enough for her to lay down in. But she was sitting down, a muzzle over her mouth. Tears leaked from her eyes. Footsteps sounded across the dark room and she shifted until she was in the back corner near the wall. But it was just Bucky. 

He knelt by the cage as she came over to him. "Hey d oll." Bucky whispered sadly, reaching through and cupping her face. "Where's the door." 

Unable to talk, she pointed upwards. Bucky stood up, opening the door and hopping into the cage with her. He bent down, carefully undoing the muzzle. Then, laying down, pulled her on top of him. "There you go sweetheart." 

The memory shifted and it was Bucky and Pierce again. This time, Pierce actually had Bucky pressed to the floor and was raping him. Bucky kept his eyes squeezed, his teeth gritted, but no sounds of pain came from him. 

Elizabeth was stone faced this time, hiding. 

Pierce pulled away and Bucky collapsed on the floor. 

"String him up." Pierce commanded in a bored voice. The guards moved forwards, lifting Bucky up, his hands above him in chains. Bucky however, mostly slumped, only the low height of the chains keeping him from hanging completely. 

Pierce went for the whip and Elizabeth sprang, kicking him across the face. Pierce grunted, falling backwards. The guards yelled out, but Elizabeth shoved a knife through one of their necks and then snapped the neck of the second one. She continued to fight with them until one remained, which she continued to stab repeatedly, even after he was dead, screaming. 

She stood up, looking just slightly unhinged. Pierce had backed away, holding his jaw with one hand, a gun in the other. She stalked towards him, knife in her hand. 

"He's mine." Elizabeth snarled. "You hurt him."

Pierce chuckled coldly. "Yours huh? Has he ever fucked you? Shown you any pleasure? He barely even touches you E. He looks at you like a little sister he has to protect. But me? Oh no E. He's not yours and he's never been yours. He's been mine since the beginning. And he will always be mine. Just like you will be." 

Like a wild cat, Elizabeth snarled and leapt at Pierce, but he shot her dead center in the chest. It just a dart though, with sleeping solution and she out like a light. 

But the memory continued from there and she pushed herself up off the floor. Bucky was out of the chains, his eyes dead and unseeing. He picked her up, but not in the gentle way he usually did. He did it from behind, grabbing her right arm, slamming her down on the table, keeping her right arm out. 

"Seb?" Elizabeth whispered. 

"He can't hear you." Pierce said, walking in front of her and Elizabeth looked up at him. "He's wearing headphones. In which he can hear only the orders given to us." 

Elizabeth struggled and Bucky pressed down harder. 

"You've cost me a lot of good men and if it wasn't for your future value, well I'd probably just kill you right here and now." Pierce sighed. "To bad you're such a pretty little thing. And quite frankly, we'd probably lose the soldier too. So, since you've cost me men, it's going to cost you something. How about. . . an arm?" 

"NO!" Bucky gasped in horror from the floor. Penny finally felt the tears that she had been desperately trying to hold back form. But she knew Elizabeth had never had a metal arm. Maybe it was just a threat. 

Penny turned away and heard Elizabeth's screams instead as her arm was taken from her. The memory went black. 

The next memories were fuzzy, probably from no memory of them, even as they were happening. And then there was screaming, "MY DAUGHTER! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DAUGHTER?" 

There was a ringing noise accompanied by Pierce shouting back, "SHE KILLED MY MEN!" 

"I DON'T CARE IF SHE KILLED YOU! SHE'S DYING!" Lucinda was hysterical and the vision cleared enough to see her mom sobbing over her. "SHE'S DYING!" 

"Lucy-" 

Lucinda turned around, slapping Pierce across the face. And then, she screamed the one thing that Penny never thought her mother would ever scream, "SEBASTIAN! Someone get me Sebastian!" 

A doctor ran from the room as Elizabeth gasped, looking around, trying to breathe. The bleeding from her arm had stopped, but the heart monitor was unsteady. "M-mom." 

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry." Lucinda sobbed. "I'm so sorry, I should've been here." 

"She cared." Penny whispered aloud. Rhodey squeezed her tightly. 

"She always cared." Ghaida responded softly. "She did love Elizabeth. She thought they were creating a new world. And she just wanted Elizabeth to thrive. She thought that by putting her daughter with the best chance at survival, Elizabeth would make it. That her and James would be the King and Queen of this new world. She never wanted Elizabeth hurt or tortured. She did love her. Some might say, too much." 

Bucky burst into the room, his eyes tinged red. He had clearly been crying. "Save her." Lucinda choked out. "Please." 

Bucky looked horrified as Elizabeth's searched his and then started to flutter. 

"Stay with me doll." Bucky said, ripping out the wires and needles that were connected to her and then pulled her into his arms. He raced from the room and the jolts brought sharper focus into the memory. "You have to stay with me. You have to stay with me doll. I need you to stay with me." 

"Seb. . ." Elizabeth whispered. 

Bucky burst into  a room which was full of cryo chambers. All of the super soldiers were in there, but there was an empty one down near the end. Bucky opened it up and placed Elizabeth inside. 

"Elly." Bucky whispered, cupping her face. "I'm so so sorry. I couldn't stop them. I couldn't stop me." His voice cracked. "And I'm sorry I have to put you in here. But it's the only way doll. I can't live without you." 

"Seb. . . it okay." Elizabeth whispered. Bucky kissed her forehead, hesitated, and then kissed her on the lips, before pulling away. "I love you." He whispered, and then slammed the door closed. He fell to his knees in front of the case as it started to fill with the preserving fluid and then the memory faded. 

"Buck." Steve whispered softly as he had gotten up off the floor, pacing back and forth. 

"She could've died because of me." Bucky panted. "Oh God." 

"She's alive because of you." Pietro said fiercely. "The others all freaked out. You saved her." 

"You can't stop the words, bubs." Tony said softly, getting up too and touching Bucky's arm. "You saved her. They tried to kill her. There's a difference." 

Bucky buried his head into Tony's shoulder and the billionaire gently pulled him down to the floor to sit with them as well. 

The next memory fizzled until it was Elizabeth, sitting up. She had a silver metal arm on her right side now. It was complete with a red star as well. 

"How does it feel?" An African, female doctor suddenly walked through the door, making T'Challa, Shuri, and even Okoye all gasp. 

"Fine." Elizabeth whispered as her mother came into the room too. "It doesn't hurt at all." 

"Good." The doctor nodded. 

"Where's Sebastian?" Elizabeth asked quietly. 

Her mother sighed, "He's. . . he's in cryo right now sweetheart. He uh, here." 

Her mom handed her a new bunny stuffed animal, with white fur and a small flower crown. A little note was attached to it. Elizabeth took it gently, holding it tightly. 

"Now, we have features to this one. I made it as high tech as possible." The doctor continued, addressing Lucinda. "It's lightweight. She'll never be able to tell the difference between her flesh and metal arm. It will be more powerful though, she might notice if she's stronger there. And of course, indestructible, being made of Vibranium. The high tech wiring will prevent it from making any mechanical noises. It will also feel just like a flesh arm, even have the squishiness to it that a normal arm does. And-" 

The doctor stepped forwards, tapping the red star and it shimmered, becoming a normal arm. "Voila. Now, I lock it and. . . there. You'll never tell the difference." 

"Thank you." Lucinda said. "How much-" 

The doctor smiled mysteriously. "Don't worry about that Pierce is paying me in other ways." 

"Well, I will let you get back to Wakanda then." Lucinda said with a small smile. 

"Hail HYDRA." The doctor nodded. 

"Hail HYDRA." Lucinda nodded and the doctor left. "Fuck HYDRA." Lucinda growled and then sighed, pulling out a pill. "Here E." 

Elizabeth took the pill and everything went black. 

There were more memories of her just being at school and moving through the day. Always seemingly alone. Never making friends. Never searching out friends. There was also a flurry of Gymnastics memories, what seemed like hundreds and hundreds of meets and competitions. 

Finally, it settled back to Bucky and her. Bucky was kneeling in front of her, resting his head on her knees. She was stroking his hair. "Am I triggering anything?" Elizabeth asked softly, hesitantly. "I don't want to hurt you." 

"Your fingers feel good Doll." Bucky whispered. "You're perfect." 

Elizabeth smiled at that and then softened. "I try. And only for you." 

The memory shifted to them dancing. Classical music was playing in the background and the lights were out so that it was hard to make out their shapes. But they were ballroom dancing, both of them smiling as they did this one little thing. 

The memory shifted once more. Lucinda was in front of Elizabeth and Bucky and both of them were wearing faces of identical shock. 

"Sebastian is coming home with us?" Elizabeth asked. 

"For a month." Lucinda nodded. "He has a mission in Ohio and I figure he might as well stay with us." 

Elizabeth's face lit up. Bucky on the other hand, seemed rather down about the whole thing. 

"E," Her mother said, "Go ahead and get your things you want to bring back. I need to talk to The. . . Seb for a second." 

It was clear that her mother was trying to appease her with the Bucky name thing. 

The memory cleared once more and now, Elizabeth was sitting a table, eating hot dogs with the family. Two young boys, perhaps both around ten or so, were eating at one end of the table. Pierce was sitting next to the reddish-brown haired boy, talking to him kindly. Paul was at the head of the table, his hair pepper coloured in a mix of black, gray, and white. 

Lucinda sat next to Paul and Bucky sat next to Elizabeth. Bucky looked extremely nervous and so did Lucinda. 

"Nice to finally meet you, Sebastian." Paul greeted him. "Elizabeth's told me so much about you." 

Bucky and Elizabeth both looked at him in equal shock. 

"Elizabeth, ah yes." Bucky stammered. "Sorry, I call her Elly." 

"Ah another nickname of yours." Her father said fondly. "Yes, we rarely ever call her Elizabeth to begin with. Everyone just calls her E." 

"I see." Bucky murmured. Lucinda and Pierce both looked tense now. 

The boys eventually scampered off and Elizabeth finished eating too. "Can Sebastian and I go out into the backyard?" Elizabeth asked. 

"Of course." Paul said, "If that's alright with your mother and Mr. Pierce?" 

"Sure." Lucinda said lightly. 

Elizabeth got up and went into the backyard. The two of them walked in silence and once they rounded out by the playset, she seemed to have a panic attack. 

"Hey." Bucky said, catching her as she fell to her knees, gasping for air. "Hey it's okay. Elly." 

"I forgot my own name." She gasped out. "I forgot my own name." 

"It's okay." Bucky whispered, cuddling her. "Elly. Elizabeth. It's okay. You're okay. You know it now. I'll remember it for you." 

"I can't remember yours." Elizabeth suddenly sobbed. "I know I learned it and they made me forget it." 

"Hey." Bucky cupped her face, wiping away her tears. "Look at me Elly. It doesn't matter. You are the only one here who treats me like I'm actually worth something. Like I'm a person. As long as you don't call me 'Soldat' or 'the Asset', I don't care what name you call me Elly." 

The memory faded and disappeared into them sitting at the dining room table again. The atmosphere was different now. Paul was frowning, looking at Lucinda, then Pierce, then Bucky, and then his daughter. "Married?" 

"I think it would work, Paul." Lucinda said softly. "E is. . . well aging slowly and Sebastian doesn't age much either." 

Paul sat back. Elizabeth looked like she was trying not to smile, but Bucky wasn't smiling at all. "You don't look happy about it." Paul spoke directly to Bucky. 

Bucky hesitated and then said, "It's just. . . while this bonding would be optimal, I have just never loved her like that." 

Elizabeth's face fell and she looked down at her lap, hiding her face. Paul glanced at her and then at Bucky who looked at the table instead. Elizabeth slid off her chair and headed out into the backyard, leaving the scene behind. 

Bucky came and found her a few hours later behind the playset. "E-" 

She wiped her eyes. "What?" 

"Are you really that upset about what I said?" He sighed. "I thought you knew?" 

She shook her head, "I thought- I thought you loved me." 

"I'm sorry. I just. . . don't." Bucky said flatly. Penny could tell he was lying. 

Elizabeth stood up, grabbing the front of his shirt. But not angrily, more just desperately. And she spoke to his chest as she cried, "Why? What didn't I do right? What can I do?" 

Bucky closed his eyes towards the sky, looking heartbroken. But when he came back, he put on a face of anger and shoved her away- still gently. "Don't guilt me. It's not like it's a choice, E." She flinched as he called her what she hated most. "So don't guilt me like they do." 

He stalked away, shoulders tense. Elizabeth slowly lowered herself to her knees, sobbing. 

Days passed and Elizabeth spent most of them in her room, surrounded by the stuffed animals that Bucky had given her. Her father spent a lot of time with her in silence. 

But the memory shifted and she was outside with Pierce. "I'm sorry honey." Pierce said, pulling her into a hug. "I know you loved him." 

"I thought he loved me." Elizabeth sighed as he released her. She knelt down by a bush that was sprouting blueberries, picking them. 

"He does." Pierce said, a smile creeping on his face, "He just thinks that his little show will protect you. Thinks loving you will hurt you." 

"He hurt me!" Elizabeth said angrily. "I don't care about anything or anyone else. Nothing but him could've hurt me." 

"I know." Pierce sighed. "You want to test my theory?" 

Elizabeth looked confused, "How?" 

Pierce knelt, grabbing her face so her lips became pouty, pushing something between them. Elizabeth struggled in his grasp and then Pierce released her, running away. 

Elizabeth convulsed on the ground and it was only seconds later that Bucky was running and skidding in the grass to come next to her. He pulled her into his arms, performing a perfect Heimlich maneuver so that the fruit came out of her. It started fading black as Bucky performed CPR after that, Lucinda and Paul running across the grass towards them. 

As Elizabeth's vision started to clear up, Bucky's terrified face was above her. "D-doll?" 

"Seb." She coughed, rolling into him. 

"I've got you." He whispered, picking her up and carrying her towards the house. He carried her up to the bedroom, setting her on the bed. 

"You lied. Why?" Elizabeth coughed. 

Bucky hung his head. "I'm trying to protect you. If they thought I loved you, they could use you against me." 

"You said- you said. . . you said I was one of them." Elizabeth said, clenching her fists tightly. "You said-" 

"I know." Bucky whispered. "I know I said that. I'm sorry. I was trying to hurt you. Push you away. Stop you from caring about me. I would rather that you hate me and be safe than love me and be hurt." 

"I don't! I love you!" Elizabeth shouted. "You're the only thing I care about!" 

Bucky nodded, pulling her into his arms. "I know. You're the same thing for me." 

The vision faded and now Elizabeth was creeping around her house in the middle of the night. Going down into the basement. She pushed open a metal door and padded down the hallway which took her to a secret laboratory. Pushing open a door found Bucky in there, fast asleep. She closed the door behind her. 

She climbed up on the bed, curling next to him. Bucky grumbled, rolling over and slowly opening his eyes. "What ya doing doll?" 

"Couldn't sleep." Elizabeth mumbled. "Needed you." 

The memories continued, mostly them outside in the backyard. They had lots of trees in the backyard with apples, pears, peaches, and plums. Cherry trees too. It was adorable, watching Bucky lift Elizabeth up to grab apples that were high up. 

Then it changed. They were behind the playset again. Bucky had his back to the wooden structure, holding Elizabeth in his arms. She was reading a book and he was looking up at the sky. 

"Hey doll?" He asked softly. 

"Yeah?" 

"I got something for you on my mission." 

"Oh?" She lowered her book and he held his hand out in a fist. He slowly opened it to reveal a silver ring with a dark blue gemstone on it. He picked up her left hand and slid it on her ring finger. He pulled her back into him. 

"I know that whatever this is they want us to do, I loved you without them. No one made me fall in love with you doll. No trigger words, no commands. It was all you. So I'm making this relationship on my terms. No one elses. They may make me propose later or not at all so I'm doing it when I want to." 

Elizabeth turned to face him, smiling. "Seb. . ." 

"Be mine?" Bucky whispered, cupping her cheek. 

"Always." Elizabeth whispered and the two of them kissed so sweetly, Penny had to look away. 

That was the love that Elizabeth had spoken so passionately about on Penny's first day here. That love that didn't exist because a soulmate bond told you to love them. That love didn't exist because it was required in someone's life. 

It was love that you made on your own terms. The love that she felt with Violetta and Rhodey and Elijah. And yes, she felt it with Steve and Bucky and Tony and Thor. But not because she was soulmated to them. Because she wanted to be in love with them. On her terms. 

She leaned up and kissed Rhodey's cheek. "I love you." 

"I love you too." Rhodey whispered against her hair. He tightened his arms around her. 

But the happy ending didn't last forever. The next memory was immediately back in the Siberia base. Elizabeth's arms were above her head, chained. Rumlow and Jackson were punching her, hitting her. Blood dripped from her nose. 

"This isn't fun." Jackson complained, wiping blood from his knuckles. "We've done this a hundred times before." 

"It's not supposed to be fun." Rumlow growled, fist flying into Elizabeth's cheek again. She made no sounds, barely flinched. She just had dull eyes. 

"She doesn't even react anymore, now that she has trigger words." Jackson groaned. 

"I like the trigger words." Brock grinned then, grabbing Elizabeth's jaw. "We can get away with more now." 

"Like what?" Jackson rolled his eyes. 

Brock tilted Elizabeth's face upwards and then leaned in and kissed her on the lips. He got no reaction from her. 

"Like that." Brock smirked. 

Jackson came forwards then, clearly not bored anymore. They were joined by a third brother, who Penny had never seen before. Didn't even know existed. 

The third one ripped off her shirt, revealing her naked chest while Jackson started to pull down her jeans. Elizabeth's eyes flickered, starting to fill with panic. 

"Well look at those peaches." The third drawled, grasping them and Elizabeth jerked just a little in the chains. "Aww look at that, she's coming back." 

He dropped to his knees, pushing her curls apart. "Might have to shave this though." 

"S-" Elizabeth whimpered then. 

"What sweetheart? If you ask nicely I might even make it enjoyable." The third brother said. 

"Sebastian." Elizabeth whispered. 

"He's not here right now, remember?" Brock grinned. "Well, physically, but he's the soldier right now. The one you just lost a fight against. Or maybe he punched you a little to hard and now your brain is addled." 

The third brother started to circle her nub with his finger and she tried jumping away, but Jackson caged her in. Her panic mounted and she squeezed her eyes shut, "SEBASTIAN!" 

"He's not magic sweetheart." Brock chuckled. "He can't just show up when you-" 

Suddenly, Brock went flying as he was hit from behind with a steel pipe. He crashed against the floor, cursing. Jackson immediately backed up, but the third brother wasn't lucky enough. Bucky caught him around the throat with his metal hand, eyes flaring. 

Penny had never once been scared of Bucky. Ever. Not even hearing all the things he'd done as the Winter Soldier or seeing him kill in Elizabeth's  memories. But now, seeing him in this memory, looking deranged, she would've ran if she had been in the room. 

"I thought." Bucky's voice was dangerously low. "I made it clear. That she's mine." 

"Okay, Soldat, put him down." Brock ordered. 

"Use his trigger words." Jackson said, looking terrified. 

"He's still in soldier mode." Rumlow said, gritting his teeth. "But he's not listening to my orders." 

Elizabeth's lips curled into a smile. 

"Tell him to put our brother down." Jackson snapped, approaching Elizabeth. 

Elizabeth looked at him coldly. "I will never. Give him an order." 

"Don't go near her." Bucky growled and Jackson stopped and then sprinted away, out of the room. 

"Put him down or I'll shoot." Rumlow said, pointing his gun at Bucky's forehead. 

Bucky raised his hand and then crushed the third brother's throat so hard his head popped off. Rumlow shot, but missed as Bucky ducked and then tackled Brock. His fists became blurs as he punched Rumlow's face in. 

The doors slammed open, soldiers filling the room with body armor and guns. "Sebastian!" Elizabeth screamed. 

Bucky flung a knife, killing the first and started to take them down immediately, on a rampage. His fighting was flawless and he didn't get hit once. 

The chains jolted and Elizabeth struggled as she was lifted off the ground. "Seb! Help!" 

Bucky turned from killing the soldiers. He ran across the room, launching himself off of a wall, and grabbed the chains, ripping them from the machine. He landed with Elizabeth curled protectively in his arms and stood up, walking out without another word. 

"Mine." He growled. 

The memory changed again, this time Elizabeth heading into Bucky's room, looking sad. "Hey." 

"Hey doll." Bucky said gently, taking her into his arms. 

"I'm glad they didn't put you in yet." Elizabeth sighed. "I wanted to see you." 

"Me too." Bucky whispered. He smiled a little. "I have another one for you." 

Elizabeth smiled too as he handed over a Penguin Pillow pet. "I love you." 

"I love you too." He said, leaning forwards, kissing her on the lips. 

"I- I did want to share something cool with you." Elizabeth admitted, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a magazine cover. "It's just some new technology. This dude- he's an engineer or something. He created his flying robot suit. It's pretty cool. They're calling him Iron Man." 

Bucky chuckled, looking at it. "Pretty cool doll." 

"Tony Stark." Elizabeth sighed, smiling a little. "Must be smart." 

Bucky was still looking at the magazine, flipping it open. Elizabeth closed her eyes and leaned against him. Or at least, until he started seeming to have a panic attack, dropping the magazine. Elizabeth jolted. "Seb?" 

"Oh God." Bucky gasped, falling to his knees, looking distraught. "No, no no no." 

"Sebastian? Seb what's wrong? What happened?" Elizabeth asked, picking up the magazine in confusion, while also trying to calm Bucky down. 

"I killed him." Bucky gasped, tears streaming down his face. "I killed Howard Stark. No. No no no no." 

"Howard. . ." Elizabeth murmured in confusion, flipping through the magazine. Then she tossed it to the side and pulled Bucky into her arms. "Hey, it's okay. It wasn't you, it was the soldier. Seb, it's alright." 

"What is going on in here?" Lucinda's voice came into the room. "What did you do E?" 

"I- I was just showing him the technology section." Elizabeth's voice quavered in fear. "And he. . . I don't know." 

Lucinda picked up the magazine and sighed as Bucky calmed down, sinking in Elizabeth's arms. "Damnit. E, you know you're not supposed to bring things like this down here." 

"I- I just thought. . ." Elizabeth faltered under her mothers' gaze. "I'm sorry." 

Lucinda nodded. "I know. You didn't mean any harm in it. But you know better than this." 

The vision disappeared and reappeared. This time, Elizabeth was wearing a dress for a party and Bucky was wearing a tux. 

Elizabeth seemed put out about something and Bucky was in Winter Soldier mode. 

"Sebastian?" Elizabeth asked and Bucky slowed and looked at her. He frowned a little, "You never call me that after you've been triggered." 

Elizabeth hesitated and then whispered, "The words never worked Seb. I just pretended." 

Bucky looked around and then continued on this path, clearly more interested in the mission than whatever she was trying to say. Elizabeth looked over the balcony where a party was taking place. 

"Seb-" 

Bucky pushed her against a wall. "Elly, shh. We need to focus on the mission. I get it, it's your first, but you need to be quiet." 

He released her and opened the window. 

"The mission?" Elizabeth asked hotly. "Enough about the missions! Let's run away! Let's leave HYDRA Seb! Please! You're going on and on about the mission but aren't there more important things? What about- what about me?" 

Bucky turned and glared at her. "Elly, enough. The mission." Bucky climbed out the window. 

Elizabeth didn't move, staring at the window. Then she turned and walked away from it. 

"Fine." She snarled to herself. "Let's see how this mission goes then. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of killing and surviving. We could just go live a happy life, but does he want to? NO!" 

She stormed down the ballroom stairs and searched, before making a beeline for a target. "Can't kill a target if there isn't one." She muttered to herself. 

She ran at the woman in red and then pushed her out of the way as the gunshot rang out, hitting Elizabeth squarely in the chest. 

Bucky let out a strangled noise then and there. Steve had pretty much pulled Bucky into his lap to comfort him, with Sam practically laying in Bucky's lap. Clint and Natasha were still with them as well. 

The next memory was of Elizabeth laying in a hospital bed, but not one in a HYDRA facility. Lucinda sat next to the bed. She smiled sadly when she saw her daughter. Elizabeth had bandages around her chest and also around her head. 

"Hey." Lucinda whispered. "How are you feeling?" 

"It hurts to breathe." Elizabeth coughed. "What happened to my head?" 

Lucinda hesitated and then said, "They're some burns. You. . . probably aren't going to remember the accident. But that's okay." Lucinda gently unwrapped the bandages and Penny saw the burns there. 

"Those aren't burns." Bucky snarled. "They used the mind wipe on her." 

"Do you remember Sebastian at all?" Lucinda asked softly. 

Elizabeth looked confused, "Who is Sebastian?" 

"No one sweetheart, no one." Lucinda said and took a pill, putting it against Elizabeth's tongue, "You'll never remember him again." 

And everything went black.

[amalgamezz]

IsoKuma = Isoginchaku (sea anemone) & Kakurekumanomi (clownfish)

<Transcript>

Aiko Ota: Remember when we walked like this after the wedding when we hadn't seen each other in a while?

Tomoko Asano: Yeah…

A: It's how we started becoming IsoKuma.

A: Yes… that walk was the beginning.

T: Huh? What do you mean?

A: It was on TV earlier, a special on sea creatures. They said anemones and clownfish are symbiotic.

T: Symbiotic…?

A: It's a state in which different organisms live together and benefit from each other.

A: I understand. That you and I are in different positions. But…

A: I want to say what I want to say to you.

A: Because you're a very important symbiotic partner.

T: Aiko-chan…

A: And this is what I wanted to say most.

A: Promise me. From now on, tell me when things get tough.

A: It's not just about money. You can tell me if you're not feeling well, and you don't have to do the housework when you're tired.

A: If you're having a hard time, I can make up for it.

A: You can count on Aiko Ota more!

</Transcript>

[mahayanapilgrim]

Bodhidharma - the enigmatic founder of Chan Buddhism

Born in the 5th century, Bodhidharma's journey from India to China marked a transformative moment in the development of Chan Buddhism, later influencing Zen in

Japan.

At the core of Bodhidharma's teachings lies the concept of

"direct pointing to the mind." In a world often filled with distractions, his emphasis was on stripping away illusions and experiencing one's own mind directly. This invites us to transcend superficial layers of existence and to explore it's essence.

The encounter between Bodhidharma and Emperor Wu highlights a key lesson in his teachings. When questioned about the merit gained from supporting Buddhist temples, Bodhidharma underscored the futility of external acts without genuine understanding. This timeless message encourages us to evaluate the authenticity of our actions, moving beyond ritualistic practices.

Bodhidharma's focus on the "Lankavatara Sutra" illustrates his commitment to a teaching style beyond words. He aimed to transcend the limitations of language, guiding disciples toward direct realization. In a world inundated with information, his approach serves as a reminder that true understanding surpasses intellectual comprehension.

The legend of Bodhidharma intertwines with the emergence of martial arts at the Shaolin Temple. His recognition of the symbiotic relationship between physical and mental discipline laid the foundation for practices like Kung Fu. This integration of mind and body serves as a reminder of the holistic nature of cultivation.

[orchidsangel]

my favorite way to describe red dead redemption is that it’s a cowboy game. it’s a lot more than that but yeah, you’re a cowboy during 1899 in a gang full of misfits. the gang leader’s whole thing is “america isn’t actually free!!! fuck the systems!!” and throughout the story morals are challenged, relationships grow, relationships fall apart, ppl die, ppl get betrayed, yada yada yada it’s a LOT and rockstar handled it so well in my eyes. and despite being set in 1899 there’s a lot of representation! my FAVORITE favorite part of the game are the characters. lenny’s the youngest in the gang and he’s black! then there’s charles smith who’s sexy as fuck black and native, very honorable and kind man considering his position.

he’s also one of the few who managed to outlive the gang so yeah he’s great. the story of the spider-man games aren’t too special. first game has that “with great power comes great responsibility” theme, mile’s game explores his dedication to being his own spider-man, and sm2 is where pete gets the symbiote and all that cool stuff. honestly the story for sm2 didn’t get to me as much as i hoped it would but i have a knack for craving content that leaves me heartbroken for at least a week.

I love story games but i’m not too sure how to explain why, but i grew up on markiplier snd things of the like. my brother was also a huge gamer and nerd, i keep his giant stack of pokémon cards in my room. i guess i got jealous of watching other ppl get immersed into stories and wanted to try it for myself. i also get very upset when youtubers (berleezy) make dumb options in choice/based games and get endings i don’t like, like telltale’s twd and stuff. like- if berlin can’t keep these characters alive then i will. that was my drive. my goal in life if you will.🦦

i thought red dead redemption was about zombies ngl. i guess we're different in the way that i enjoy games where i have all the freedom in the world to do whatever i want. that's why i play the sims and animal crossing and stuff like that

i've always found story games interesting, but for some reason, they give me anxiety. that's why i just watch other people play them. i used to have the biggest obsession with watching life is strange and sally face playthroughs. but of all the youtube viral games, only one piqued my interest as one i'd play. yandere chan simulator

maybe one day i'll get into those kinds of games. i do find them thoroughly interesting but, some of them are so scary i'd have to find someone to play them with

[harry-peter]

About the outstanding concept art piece by Dennis Chan, it's really interesting because you can almost see bits of both iterations still extant in the story. On the one hand you have Curt in the sewer lab clarifying clearly to Peter that 'It chose you', on the other you have Harry lashing out at Peter in the Oscorp lab explicitly expressing 'I saved your life.'

Considering all things symbiote-related are meant by design and theme to be symbiotic, could it be that it was - in essence - both at the same time? After both the earlier mission at the Steel Foundry and Coney Island, we see the symbiote lunge at Peter only for Harry to sort of 'pull it back in' again. The symbiote was already interested in Peter, but Harry reined it back in each time.

I'm starting to think this life-saving throw for Peter required both host and symbiote to be on the same page: The symbiote had to take the initiative, but Harry also had to be willing to let it go. As a sort of side note, I believe the music that plays during this scene is on the official soundtrack under the title of 'Sacrifice'.

Like you said, Harry at the time clearly didn't recognize that was something he could do or thought was possible; but on some subconscious level, upon learning that he was able to do this, he was willing to. After a day or two with some time and distance providing clarity, that's probably where the 'I saved your life!' conviction in the Oscorp lab came from.

I think you're absolutely right! You are also right in that the concept art really is outstanding, I couldn't stop looking at it.