#tbh if I found out before I wouldn't have been able to focus on my exam

[alphabetuser]

YO WTF IM FINDING OUT ABT RPWP NOW ????

A WHOLE FUCKING ALBUM ????

[remcycl333]

Rem, I need a friend. I was recently diagnosed with BPD. I mention it because I think this issue has to with my condition, and I don't know if I'm wrong but I read a post from you once where you said you had BPD and ADHD –correct me if I'm wrong– and I thought maybe you can understand me.

Anyways, my issue is, I struggle deciding what I want. Recently I had a situation with a guy, he has ADHD and him being forgetful, triggered me and had me begging for his attention. He was very kind and never reacted badly, but then he ghosted me, which triggered me again. My mind keeps telling me maybe it was his ADHD and maybe he now just feels guilty and feels like it's too late to answer (it's been weeks). I planned on texting him again but I don't want to fall into this dynamic.

I was thinking, "if I want to date him I should just go to the end and focus on that". Then I was like "Do I really want to date him?" Then I had another thought of "Maybe I should move on" and then "Wait, I actually do want to date him" and then "No, I just want validation" and then "Nope, I don't give a damn about validation he ain't even that good" and then "I do like him, maybe we should date" and then "I don't even want to have a conversation with him" and then "I want to know more about him" the point is, I always start a process of manifesting something and then the next day (sometimes not even a day) I want something else, and it's a mess because I end up manifesting NOTHING, only more frustration.

Tbh, if I wasn't triggered, I would 100% like to date him. I mean I met him 6yrs ago and liked him for months (we never talked but we were classmates in uni and he was super hot), then never saw him again until this year and when I saw him I was so happy and excited, and the crush I had on him resurfaced and it felt like a new chance to try. Until now that I am feeling so confused, and when it seems like I made up my mind, I then remember why I'm triggered and slip out again, and when I have "given up", I want him again, and it's exhausting.

omggg yes, i do have bpd and adhd and this was so crazy to read cuz it was like i was talking to my younger self! i went thru the EXACT same situation with my old sp. i manifested him back after he broke up with me (and before he broke up with me he'd forget to text me back all the time bc of his adhd) and it would trigger me so bad and i'd start doing the most outrageous things. and then when i was manifesting him back, i'd also constantly go from "fuck him im better than him" to "i want him so bad i need him" to "he's just gonna ignore me again i hate him" and then "no he's the love of my life" to "if he texts me im not even gonna respond bc he doesn't deserve me." and i was in a cycle of that for MONTHS. but like you said, i knew that if he had never rejected me in the first place (and therefore triggered me) i wouldn't have felt like that and i'd still want him and see him only in a positive light.

i think that what really helped me was just going straight to the end, like you said. whenever i'd start overthinking about whether or not i actually wanted him, i'd take some deep breaths and just go to my imagination and experience a reality where my sp never ignored me and he treated me how i wanted to be treated. i also reminded myself of how long i had wanted to be with him, and that when all was said and done, even if i had made up my mind that day that i didn't want to be with him anymore, the next day i would be upset about not being with him again. i wouldn't have been stuck in the cycle for so long if i didn't actually want to be with him. i was just feeling hurt and lashing out.

i also found comfort in knowing that i could create a new version of my sp where he was attentive and gave me the amount of attention i needed and wanted. i didn't want to manifest his adhd away or anything, but i wanted to create a version of him that was able to remember to reply to me lol. i knew that as long as i imagined my sp to be the version that i wanted, he wouldn't show up in my 3d as the old version anymore. the only way he could ignore me or ghost me again was if i imagined that he would. if i focused on the version of him that didn't, however, he never would! so whenever i felt worried or anxious that he'd do that again, i'd retreat to my imagination and experience the version of him that i wanted.

another thing that really helped me was to forgive him. i was always angry at him and imagining getting into arguments with him about our break up and imagining what i'd say to him when i manifested contact. but the thing about that was i was manifesting "the end", and the end was us already being in a relationship together. so if we were already in a relationship together, we would have already talked through our past issues and i already would've forgiven him. so i couldn't manifest us being happy together and forgiving him if i was constantly imagining scenarios where i hadn't already forgiven him. if that makes sense?

these thoughts still naturally popped up all the time. "what if he doesn't change" "what if he does it again" etc. and then when we were back in contact again, "what if i say something wrong and he stops replying" etc. but i just kept persisting, and every time my minded wanted to go back to scenarios like that, i'd shift back to my desired state and tell myself that we were already together and there was no reason to worry about stuff like that anymore.

anyway i hope this helped!! if u have more questions feel free to ask <3

[disgruntleddemon]

If you had to direct a Scooby Doo movie (or series), what would it be like and what would you include? Which series/era would you take the most inspiration from? Would the mystery/locale be inspired by real events/locations or something totally different?

Ooooh!!! Fun question!!

For both a show and movie I'd take the most inspiration from the renaissance era movies! I'd probably be a bit more mature in audience since i think there's a lot of fun horror potential w Scooby doo, while also keeping the goofier aspects. Also hopefully take inspiration from the renaissance era art too, cause it's seriously so good i wanna eat it.

For a movie specifically I'd have it focus on Mothman! I think that would be really fun and atmospheric! I'm honestly surprised Mothman HASN'T been used yet, cryptids work so well for sd (like ik they technicallyyyy did chupacabra, but it's not like either predominant descriptions of chupacabra, so i don't count it)

Not entirely sure of the plot, but definitely a fun spooky woodsy vibe.

For a series, I've actually thought about it a bit before. I'd have monsters be real, and a well known thing. Common enough to realistically have someone pretend to be one to scare ppl off, but uncommon enough not everyone would be able to spot signs of a fake.

I'd have the gang go around researching monsters, or at least taking an intrest in them, and recording any findings. Some episodes would have people in costumes where the gang is able to recognize fakes based on their monster knowledge, real monsters that they have to deal with in some way, or sometimes monsters they think are fake, but are actually just new or rare ones. Maybe a variation on a common one.

I'd really like at least one scooby snack factory episode, cause I'm a sucker for those, but also to add a personal hc/au of mine. I like to think Scooby is a family name on his mom's side, and that that side of the family founded the scooby snsck company. That episode would be helping out Scoob's mom! There'd also be a moment where the gang is like "wait, does this mean Scooby and his mom have the same name??" And his mom would reveal that his original name was Spooky Doo (ignoring that one comic character, or maybe having Scoob named after him lol), but he changed his name to Scoobert Doo after the Scooby snacks founder. Party cause it suited him better, partly cause he thought the name "Spooky" would jinx him and he'd end up in scary situations lmao.

This fits less, but I'd also like to squeeze in my Scrappy headcanon of him being half alien, and being a magnet to the supernatural. Little revival for him, as a treat. He wouldn't be a main character, but would appear for a few episodes. Always episodes that have real monsters hkvkcjc

I'd also like to squeeze in poly mystery gang if possible, but if not, probably just not feature any romance in the series. It's just never my thing when it comes to sd media tbh. Definitely lots of slice of life moments regardless tho. I'd like to emphasize their familiarity and closeness y'know?

[wacky-nameless-inventor-24]

Main Negaverse AU. Refresh my memory. World, characters, dynamics, everything. Go! (I only remember the basics). :D

LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

You asked for this ;)

SO! Dunno much about the actual Negaverse from the dwd series so things may change if I ever decide to actually watch an episode about it but for now we have this (gonna focus more on the team science aspect of this because that's what most of the stories are about ssldfjdlkj). Oh gosh I've gotta go digging into ye old docs from 2020 help meeee-

So far we've got Scrooge as the evil crime boss overlord over Duckburg. He does whatever the heck he wants and essentially just regularly pillages the city for whatever he wants. He doesn't actually rule anything, he just wreaks havoc and hardly any force is organized against him because everyone's too busy trying to put their lives back together. Gizmoduck acts as his enforcer and is the one who does most of the pillaging, along with being the one who's sent out to squash whatever kind of rebellions come up against that. Gyro is his evil scientist, he makes things that to his vast frustration regularly turn out good and try to rebel against Gyro and Scrooge. He's the most two-faced person ever, he acts like the sweetest person you'll ever meet but then will absolutely stab someone in the back. Said it before but I'm really just going off of this because I absolutely love this idea. Boyd (here called 2-BO still) is so far one of the only inventions that he's managed to keep 'evil', he acts as Gyro's bodyguard and if Gyro ever needs any shady things done and Gizmoduck isn't available, he'll have 2-BO do it. Despite relationships being different in this universe he does still have some genuine affection for 2-BO in there somewhere. Gyro and Fenton just kind of tolerate each other, Fenton's been around long enough to know all about Gyro's nice outward appearance, while also being wholly familiar with the darker side of him. So Gyro doesn't usually bother with being nice to him anymore, and Fenton is just his usual mean and pessimistic self right back at him. I wouldn't call them friends, at least, not on a surface level, but they've known each other long enough that they know each other well and can work well together.

I think I said it in their post but Blue again was one of the Moonvasion clones of course, brought down by one of the Moonlanders (Lunaris was just trying to free Duckburg and the rest of the world from Scrooge's evil-ness). Something about what happened to them acted as a wake-up call, they were able to see how terrible Scrooge (and therefore everyone else who worked with/for him) really was from the outside. When they found out that the rest of the clones had been killed for being excess weight, that finally drove them to do something about all of this. But because the clones were killed, they're terrified of being discovered as one so they do whatever they can not to meet face-to-face with pretty much anyone in their universe. They're afraid of confrontation anyway too, so they do most of their opposing as just quietly sneaking around. They're terrified of Fenton, and he gets a special kind of delight out of messing with them. They've never actually fainted around him (yet), but it isn't for a lack of him trying. They can't stand how fake Gyro comes off most of the time, but they know firsthand how ruthless he can be so they stay well away from him whenever possible. And tbh it's really fun to think about my stories switched over to the Negaverse, because like any wholesome moment or happy ending is the opposite. Mads and Fenton bleeding out in the snow and having a nice heart-to-heart before being saved? Could that be changed to Fenton trying to kill Blue before they managed to get back at him in self-defense, and when Gyro went to get Fenton he left Blue there to die? Gyro being kidnapped by F.O.W.L. and Mads and Fenton going to rescue him? Or Fenton forcing Blue to tell him where Gyro is and making them be his hostage?? And angst would be the opposite here too- switching Here's My Day so Far so it's Blue staying with F.O.W.L. for a few months before Fenton comes and kidnaps them and holds them hostage at his house, before making them come along to rescue Gyro from F.O.W.L. (and possibly hurt their F.O.W.L. agent friends- wait maybe in this universe Bradford's death was on accident??? 👀) too. Anyway. It's fun.

Story starts when Scrooge tells Gyro and Fenton to go ask the Negaverse people (who they know about somehow... haven't worked that out yet) for help defeating F.O.W.L.. NScrooge says he'll help, but only if they pick someone for a fight against his champion. His only condition is that whoever they pick, their weapons have to be homemade. Because the armor was largely made by Gyro, they go ask Mads, who made the weapons in his hand himself. When they head back to the Negaverse with him they discover that NScrooge's champion is NGizmoduck, and the two have a very intense and also very sexually charged fight, where Mads wins (but it's implied that NFenton let him win 'cause someonessssssss catching feelings already ;)). And I was originally thinking from there that they just kind of immediately fall for each other, but lately I’ve been thinking it would be really fun if they had some sort of enemies-to-lovers things going on where they take turns kidnapping each other, and it's left unspoken but they both know that for the most part this is just a game. Eventually they do confess and after that their relationship is mostly just little dates in each of their universes, telling each other how different things went down and how their respective universe even works (never resolved the 'negaverse people are now fighting F.O.W.L. too' thing here because LISTEN this was just an elaborate scheme to get these two together slsdjflsdjflsj). I haven't worked out how Mads met Blue yet, don't know if he went looking for them on purpose or somehow they just ran into each other. Blue is scared of Mads and his universe at first- because everyone there knows that Mads (and therefore Blue) is a clone of Gyro, and they're afraid that someone is going to tell someone in their universe about that too. Blue does eventually warm up to Mads (and Mads really tries to be their friend), though they are very distrusting of Gyro and Fenton because no matter how nice they are to them they'll always have that first impression of NGyro and NFenton.

I’m thinking that the relationship between NFenton and Blue does get better while Mads is there, he’s close with both of them and isn’t gonna tolerate NFenton harassing them at all. That being said!!! (This is where it gets tricky because I don’t know all about how it worked in dwd but this is how I’ve chosen to interpret the basic stuff ik sldlflfm) Their universes do run parallel to each other so if something happens in one, then some kind of version of that happens in another. Now if Mads and Fenton do ever have a major interaction in their universe then some kind of likely negative version happens between NFenton and Blue (and that was actually something really fun I messed around with in one of my stories, someone dies in the Negaverse and now they’ve got to figure out if they can prevent their death in the normal universe, if that’s even possible).

So yeah I think that’s most of what I’ve figured out so far lmk if there’s more you wanna know about 👀

[thedreadvampy]

Hello Davide said you know about getting big arms do u have advice

I mean I think he's being pretty generous about my singular muscle and also tbh my experience may not be replicable but I'll tell you about these WIP gains

first off the main thing is I got a personal trainer. and this is why I don't know how replicable it is bc she's just amazing, she specialises in disabled and queer clients who might not feel comfortable at the gym AND she charges £50 a month, and both those things are fairly hard to find I suspect.

So I have been seeing her once a fortnight since October with a focus on weightlifting - we do a bit with machines but mostly we're doing stuff with free weights (kettlebells, dumbbells etc). Just now we're kind of building up basic strength and form with the intention of constantly increasing weights (we've started doing bench press now which is VERY exciting and makes me feel VERY strong)

Cause that's only once a fortnight, sometimes less, I also started doing wee morning workouts every day to keep moving between sessions (cause I can't go to the gym on my own or I will die) and I honestly think that's what's made the most difference. I was just doing 5-10 minutes of body work but then my partner got me some dumbbells for my birthday so now I'm doing weights too and it's gone up to about 15 minutes a day, first thing, like I do it in my jammies before I get up. So right now it looks like:

14 webslingers (from a plank, bring one foot up and swing your arm around behind you like you're Spiderman)

20 dead bugs (lie on your back with your arms and legs in the air and lower one arm and one leg until your core kicks in)

14 glute bridges (hip thrusting to the sky)

14 one-armed chest presses, alternating hands (6kg in each hand now! I started on 3kg)

14 normal chest presses (again, 6kg in each hand atm)

30 seconds elevated planks (I was doing normal planks for a minute, but it hurts my bunions 😭 so now I kick my feet up onto the bed with my hands on the floor. but that makes it WAY harder so I can only do half as long)

14 squats or 10-14 thrusters depending on how I'm feeling (squats with or without weights, thrusters are like squats but with a weight in each hand and as you come up you use the momentum to lift the weights above your head. I'm also at 6kg per hand here, so squatting 12kg total - because it's a faff to change weights I have just been doing my whole workout with the same weight. so like, I can definitely do more than 6kg chest press, I'm doing 9-10kg at the gym, but I can't do more than 6kg for thrusters atm so we're stuck at 6kg for both)

for me because of the flavour of brain I have, it's about habit forming, so once I committed to doing the same workout every morning it was pretty easy to absorb into my routine. YMMV though bc I'm aware this is a personal weirdness. I haven't missed more than 3 morning workouts a month since October purely because I know that once I start letting it be optional I won't do it at all, but I have found it really helps me wake up too. If I'm at someone else's house and don't have weights or the little handle things I have that make planking not hurt my wrists, I pick and choose and do the stuff I can.

but yeah my main advice is: everything I have achieved so far is purely down to finding a really good trainer, cause I wouldn't know where to start otherwise. The morning workout first came out of the regular warmup exercises she had us doing (webslingers, dead bugs, squats) and I've been just adding stuff we do at the gym in month on month as I get confident enough to do them on my own. especially as a guy with bad joint, I definitely have tried doing home weight exercises off my own back in the past and just not been able to consistently do anything without hurting myself, so Huld really has been invaluable in that.

but yeah other than that doing the daily stuff has really helped. my gym progress and confidence is a Lot Accelerated. on the other hand my partner hasn't to my knowledge been doing that kind of daily routine and he's also definitely bulked up, but he's a bit more prone to musculature anyway (and him having softer arms is a recent thing cause he's done a lot of heavy-lifting jobs, whereas I'm learning to lift properly for the first time)

[buddysmut]

I miss talking about gfriend too :(

Since may that year i think my buddy friends start to looking for another group. They stop talking about gfriend, even they have any activity with their new agencies. I know it's hard and hurted them but yea🥲

I feel lonely tbh, buddies on twitter and instagram are busy spreading campaign to boycott that shitty agency and hates to other fandom that hates gfriend.

It's kinda ashamed but i did messaged umji and the other girls about my feeling lmao..

Putting this under a read more because the reply turned out so long.

Yeah, that's something i noticed too. I don't interact with alot of the bigger Buddy accounts non twitter. But years ago I did see a few using their same screennames to comment on some of my fics on other sites lol

But there were a few that I had to unfollow, because even months after the contract stuff happened, they would still constantly be posting stuff about it. And it was the same things every time. I just got tired of seeing it. Like, yeah, it's bad and unfair to the members. But move on already. Yerin already had a new contract, I think even Yuju had news of being a solo artist by then. And they were still talking as if the girls were just homeless or something. It just felt like they were forcing drama.

I think it can be okay to move on to other groups. I've only been into kpop since 2016. And I to this day have only followed maybe 4 groups total. I went to music school for many years. So I really don't follow music unless it's something that I think is good. And ofc GFriend really stood out. So it's hard for me to even find any new groups. I know alot of people follow groups for visuals alone. But that's just boring to me.

I've seen alot of the boycott stuff too. I think people should just focus on what the members are currently doing. For example, I saw some rumors about how Sowon might have been let go from IOK recently. And then after a day, no one has mentioned her. It just feels strange. Years ago people would have been speculating and trying to find out what actually happened.

As fra as messaging them, I wouldn't feel too bad about it as long as you are respecting their privacy and not bothering them. But it does remind me of how I always joke that Umji has found my stories before. I know other idols I follow, like Wendy, have said they read smut type stories online. And at some point, I kept seeing alot of stuff GFriend would post on their own, or in content they appeared in that were suspiciously subtly hinting at stuff from my stories. I know it is 100% coincidence. But it always made me laugh. I have seen screenshots one time of Umji's tablet, and you could see she has English twitter. So it could be possible lol

As far as current projects, for me personally, it just doesn't feel the same. I like VIVIZ. But their singles so far just don't grab me the same way GFriend singles did. But it's a new company, and they are just 'starting out' in a way. So I am giving them time to get things figured out again. With Yerin, I was kinda shocked she got picked up so quickly. And I was surprised she didn't pursue music as her main focus. But I am happy she at least is able to do multiple media under her contract. I also love the running gag about her drama being so delayed that she will have multiple music releases before it finally comes out lol

I'm really happy for Yuju so far. I think her solo debut went well, and I liked the music. But I did see people talking about how she didn't do as high of a range, and they mentioned how that was probably forced on her by SourceMusic at the time. I get why she would avoid it if she is doing what she wants. But it is kind of disappointing to not see her full range displayed spread over a whole mini album. But people also said it's probably painful on her vocals to be doing the more difficult ranges. So I fully understand her choosing to do things how it has been so far. I don't know anything about vocal training though, so I'm just going by what I have heard.

As far as Sowon, I just have no idea what to think. She hasn't been as present on social media. She hasn't done many appearances. And honestly, know how she was under SoMu, I wouldn't be surprised if she caused alot of problems between her and IOK. I feel like she would have still tried to act like she was the boss, and the company probably didn't put up with that. So I wouldn't be surprised if they mutually agreed to just let her go, or if it was more on the company's side. Either way, the fact that there was basically no promotion for her movie shows that there was some kind of negativity between them.

I told a friend I was shocked she didn't stick with being part of a group. And they mentioned how Sowon likes the variety shows and stuff like that more than the stage performance aspect of things. Which makes sense. But it makes me wonder how many of the members as a group decided not to pursue the ot6 under a new name and company, and how much of it was VIVIZ deciding to get together on their own.

[hollowedwing]

Isekai-ed into Hawk's Life

Hawks x gn!winged!Reader

Warnings: ⚠️ Death!(at very beginning, it is an isekai), mentions of death throughout, some angst(??maybe not yet??), slight cursing

THIS WILL NOT FOLLOW A SPECIFIC TIMELINE IN THE MANGA

(so sorry i just, love, love, the idea of having wings)

(this is all my art, it is on IG, im just too embarrassed for people who know me irl to potentially find this xD Even though none of them have tumblr 👀 if you somehow recognize it...props to you?)

_________________________________

tbh, I can’t decide if I want this to have more than 1 part. 

Word count: ~1,800

_________________________________

You were on your way home from a long evening at your part time job. Before that you had already taken 2 finals that morning too.

You dragged your feet, exhausted, as you headed towards the crosswalk. Stopping at the edge as the traffic light turned green, you decided to pull out your phone and decided to watch a speed paint from your favorite artist who recently released a new video.

It just so happened it was a Hawks speed paint 👀

The light turned red and you slipped your phone into your pocket as your started to make your way across the street

little did you know this would be the last time you'd cross the street

A wild driver came barreling down the road, no regards for civilians or traffic lights, probably drunk or high or just someone out for blood.

You stood there like a deer caught in headlights as your life flashes before your eyes

You can barely comprehend what's happening as you felt pain engulf your body and suddenly you were unconscious

________________________________________

Keigo tiredly stumbled into his large apartment, kicking off his shoes and shrugging his jacket off by the door

He wants nothing more than to just flop down and pass out. The HPSC has been giving him hell lately about god knows what.

He let out a long sigh and headed towards the bathroom to do his nightly routine

As he finishes up, he drags his feet towards his bed and flops down face first into the comfort of his pillow and sheets

Keigo falls asleep almost instantly after getting into a comfortable position, worn out from a long day of work

What he wasn't expecting was a loud "thud!" coming from the main room. He jolts up from his bed, feathers ready to attack.

*******

Reader's pov(?)

*******

You groaned as you hit the floor. Your head was spinning and it feels like a truck just hit you

oh wait...

You suddenly became more alert, looking around in a panic, expecting to either be on the road and injured or in a hospital of sorts. What you didn't expect was a wooden floor inside of a random apartment.

You felt around your body for any signs of injury, but all you found were a set of wings on your back- wings?? Hold up. Why did you feel wings what kind of sick joke was this?

Your thoughts were racing as your breathing picked up. What was happening? Didn't you just get hit by a vehicle? Why are there wings in your back? Where are you even?

Feeling around in your pockets, you found your phone and whipped it out, trying for anything. You turned it on, the harsh light of it illuminating your face, you tried to send a text to your best friend, but alas, it wouldn't go through. Actually nothing on your phone seemed to work. You checked your location settings, for some reason it said Musutafu, Japan.

Wasn't....Wasn't that the location that most of Boku no Hero Academia took place?? This can't be right, this has to be a dream right? There's no way that you could have actually ended up here unless...

Then it hit you.

You read your fair share of isekai series back when you were alive in your realm. Mostly manhwas of characters getting reborn into another person's body, but, never actually reincarnating as yourself into another world.

That was the only thing you could think of. You must have been reincarnated into the Boku no Hero Academia world. Except as yourself.

In all honesty, this is not how you thought you'd go out. You didn't know what to expect after death, but this definitely wasn't it. After all, this was a fictional setting, wasn't it?

Well, not anymore because now you're living in it! Smh.

That would also probably explain the wings on your back. This was you now. You have a bird quirk.

Now, all you have to do, is figure out where the heck you are.

Just as you are about to stand up, feathers zip towards you, pinning you to the ground

You hear footsteps begin to come towards you. You don't know if you should be scared for your life considering you've already died once or ecstatic because, you knew for a fact, this could be none other than Hawks' apartment.

The winged hero finally emerges and stares down at you, crossing his arms over his chest.

He says in a low, gravely voice from sleep, "Who are you, and how did you get into my home?" You stare back up at him and nervously chuckle.

"I'm not sure you'd believe me if I told you." You nervously sigh out.

"Try me." He demands, sounding a little more irritated now. You sigh in defeat and start to explain your situation.

"Do...do you know what an isekai is?" You said sheepishly while turning your gaze away from his. He kind of gave you a confused head tilt and just a vibe that said “No”. You sigh again and explain it to the best of your ability. Hawks becomes more and more interested and confused as you talk, but nods a long slowly. 

“So...you were reborn here, but as yourself? Wait- does that mean you died before!?” He asked, disbelief and fear ran through his eyes. You looked at him in bitter amusement.

“Apparently I did. The last thing I remember of my world was getting hit by some truck or car. The dude clearly did not know how to drive. I had the right of way I was pretty sure at least. I mean, the light was red, usually that means pedestrians can cross the street? And plus he was going wayyy over the speed limit,” you begin to ramble on, the reality of actually dying setting into you. Hawks noticed the panic beginning to set into you and released you from his feathers. He crouched down next to you and grabbed your shoulders gently.

"Hey, hey, hey, look at me, you're ok now, right? You're here, and not dying in the middle of the street still. You're here. In Musutafu," he said trying to calm you back to reality. Well, what was your new reality. Your mind was racing. Trying to put together a coherent thought. 

You look up to him, with a panicked look still in your eyes, thoughts started to come out of your mouth as your brain was trying to catch up with the situation. "I'm... I'm in Boku no Hero Academia and, and you’re Keigo... standing... right in front of me..I have wings. I have wings? Jeezus I have fucking wings. And I’m dead in my own world. I don’t know anyone, well, wait, technically, I do know people, just-Oh gods! I’m so sorry, that name slipped out! I- I, I’m really sorry Hawks." Even in your wild state, you noticed Hawks tense up at the sound of being called Keigo by a total stranger, and were able to get out an apology. That was progress? You were slowly coming back to reality.

Hawks froze up a bit at the sound of hearing his real name mentioned. At first he wasn't sure if he believed your tale of the isekai situation, but after this he might have to reconsider it. He opted to shake off that weird feeling for now and focus on different matters. 

" I-I don't know what I'm supposed to do now? I have nowhere to go or to stay. I'm in a whole different freaking universe! My phone doesn't even hardly work here. And I have a pair of wings on my back!" You puffed them out angrily. Hawks glanced behind you and his eyes widened a little. You in fact, did have a set of bird wings. Kind of owl like wings. Not near as big as Hawks', but definitely big enough to fly you around.

Before Hawks could process the words coming out of his mouth, he was already asking you, "Would you maybe like to stay with me? I can help with your quirk too." He glanced away awkwardly. You looked towards him in disbelief.

"Dude, are you sure? We literally just met like 10 minutes ago? I mean, I'm all for it, I have nowhere else to turn to, but if you really really don't want me here, I will politely step out of your life." You so badly wanted to accept his offer on the spot, but being the considerate, mostly sensible human you were, you gave him the option to back out. Hawks shook his head.

"No, no, it's alright. You can crash here. Uh- I mean- stay here! Sorry!" You giggled at his comment.

"Well thank you very much!"

"It's all good. I have a spare bedroom you can occupy for the time being. I'll give you some clothes to sleep in that'll hopefully fit. Accidentally bought a couple things in the wrong size without looking. " (a/n: just...just assume its your size, or oversized, whatever's comfy idk) He jumped up and headed towards his room to grab you the clothes. You still sat on the floor. Still amazed at everything that was occurring.

Hawks walked back into the room and tossed you the clothes. "Hey uh, you know, you can get up now, sorry for holding you down earlier.."

You blushed and scrambled to stand up, "Oh no! It's ok! I understand. This would definitely warrant that kind of action. Some random stranger crashes into your apartment at like 1am. I completely understand. Honest."

He let out a small laugh and wearily brushed his fingers through his hair. The adrenaline of everything finally wearing off. He could feel the tiredness setting into his aching muscles again. “Ah, well, I’m going to head to bed now. The room is down the hall at the very end that you can stay in. I’ll take you out training tomorrow evening if that’s alright?”

You gave a nod of understanding and followed him down the hallway. “Goodnight Hawks,” you sang as he walked into his bedroom. He gave a hum of acknowledgment and closed his door. 

Making it into what was now your room, you changed out of your clothes so fast, eager to rid yourself of the past hours events. 

Not gonna lie, you could not figure out how to properly get your new wings into the shirt, even with the holes and snaps in the back. Your mind was too exhausted to even process this new skill. So you ended up going to bed without the shirt on and just settled for putting the sweatpants on. 

You figured it’d be good to just pass out asap. You were sure if you tried to recount the recent events, you’d spiral into a panicked mess. 

You shut your eyes tightly, willing yourself to sleep, trying to only think of positive outcomes for the future. But to be honest, you didn’t know enough about anything in this realm to think rationally about anything good. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I prooobably didn’t proofread this as much as I should have

[letsdiscoverkitty]

PART THREE OF ??

All was going so well at work and University. I was getting great feedback from my team, as well as from wider departments. I got nominated for 'best new starter' in the Food and Dairy UK division (covering all new starters - apprentices, graduates and others); I got recognition in the Christmas round up for some work I put in near the end of the year to help mitigate a lot of risk (we run by the calendar year so the lead up to the New Year was fairly stressful) and I genuinely felt like I was starting to find my feet and understanding the work I was doing/learning and felt included/part of the team.

Unfortunately, the same could not be said for my health. Im not going to go into details, especially as writing this is very hard for me to do/admit as I am incredibly ashamed/embarrassed that despite things going really well in work/uni, the anorexia and depression were once again ruling/dominating my every waking hour. I dont want to sound ungrateful but I think I was getting stuck in a horrible cycle of admissions/self sabotage/slow relapse etc. This was not anyone's fault but mine - on reflection I have never really been willing to truly let go of illness/was dealing with a lot of things that were yet to be unearthed/recognised. Don't get me wrong, they genuinely saved my life and I recognise and accept that, however they were a detachment/sticky plaster/avoidance from reality/life and in some ways kept a lot of my unhealthy cycles/traps fired and alive.

When I started at work I was unfortunately slowly relapsing; I could see it happening but at the same time thought I was completely fine - I was used to the cycles playing out on repeat; to me it was the norm. There was the hope that with work starting it would help me to get things back on track but unfortunately, as is often the case with these horrible illnesses, I was once again sucked into the quicksand as my thinking already so rigid and unwavering; the perfectionism and unrelenting standards rose; my inner critic ranged; and I was functioning on fight-or-flight.

Therapy had been going steadily on in the background but as COVID meant that everything moved online, coupled with distractions and a very strong "professor mode" from my side, it all got to be a bit of a muddle/mess, especially when we touched on some Trauma work that I did not realise would run so deep and be so prevalent. Our main focus before this had been on a SCHEMA model, which I found very helpful and which has given me more emotional understanding of myself, along with a deeper recognition of my unmet needs and the vital role of the connection with our younger selves/vulnerable selves.

Due to things being messy and complicated and, tbh, I think the more we began to unearth, the more we both felt out of our depth, and found ourselves going around in, what felt like, the same circles week on week, I was allocated to a EDP in December to try to help with the physical/behavioural side of things. As is ever, the stars did not align and she went off on sick and I wasn't seen properly until early January, by which time I was, what felt like, ambushed by appointments left right and centre....these culminated in some escalations and a review with the team and my consultant who laid her cards on the table.

We dont have the best of pasts (to say the least) but I have felt that over the past few years she has gotten to know/understand me better. However to sit there and for her to say that she is at a loss as to what to do/what the crux is to why I keep ending up in these relapse cycles after getting a little bit better for a short period of time but not being able to maintain it at all, was really disheartening. She said she usually has a list of 3 things she could pin it down to when similar cases arise but none of them seemed to fit....she kept asking what it is that is wrong and I can not describe to you how frustrating that is to be asked!!! If I knew I wouldn't be in this position yet AGAIN. I would not be struggling 10+ years down the line. I felt defeated. Lost. Tired. Detached from both myself and reality. And I didn't know where to turn or who to trust anymore...

[avoidantrecovery]

avpd success: beating my avoidance around libraries

many years ago, i had just enrolled into university the first time around, i went to a scientific library to read/borrow some books. as a student of a university i was entitled to go there, however it was not a public library, so you had to go through multiple checks before going in.

well, i arrived at the reception and was immediately dismissed. the middle aged white lady working there didn't even take the time to say hello, take a look at my ID or anything. she just waved me away like i was some kind of unwanted dust particle in there. and i, in a moment of panic, just turned around left in shame. i know i could have looked at her confused, or argued, showed her my id or something. but in the moment i thought, maybe i made a mistake, maybe i'm not allowed in after all even as a student. maybe this library is only for ~special people~. i thought, maybe she saw my skin color/appearance and immediately thought, no not you, you're surely not a student/researcher anyway. (looking back this is silly, because there are foreign black students here, many who come for higher degrees, so that on its own shouldn't have disqualified me. but my mind was not thinking, my mind was panicking and i was in full flight mode) i don't know why this moment of all burned itself into my mind, but it did. i was going through a lot at the time and i didn't have the capacity to argue with people. it was one of the straws that would finally break the camels back.

fast-forward to yesterday. the biggest university in the city i currently live in offers free library cards even to non-students. i'm enrolled at a smaller university, but the bigger uni has a much larger collection of books obviously. i had been planning to get and ID some months ago, but i won't lie the fear still came up. the idea of being sent away and rejected again was just too strong.

anyway, yesterday morning i found myself in front of the much smaller library branch for anthropology and african studies and chickened out. i just couldn't go in. but, and this is where i'm proud of myself, i thought i'll just go to the main library instead, it's larger and a bit more anonymous and in case of rejection it'll feel less personal perhaps. i could have just gone back home, but i felt i had come out all this way for nothing? anyway, made my way to the main library and everyone there was really nice. another middle aged white lady put me into the system, explained how everything worked and issued a card for me. without knowing, she sort of undid the damage that other lady did. i know it's not a zerosum kind of situation, ideally i wouldn't even have to deal with all this. but this is how i see it for now. i know i hyper focus on how people interact with me, but because that means safety for me. i hope to finally be able to dial that down a little and eventually live somewhere where my mind isn't preoccupied with that.

anyway, i even managed to borrow a super old book about my tribe i've been wanting to read for ages.

so, punched that fear right in the face! it's a small success, but better than nothing. and now i have two library ID's one for public and one for uni libraries. i feel drunk with power tbh haha

[boydgearloose]

DuckTales Theory: The Rightful Heir of Scrooge McDuck

With the finale on the horizon, I've been thinking a lot about where they could potentially take the whole "rightful heir of Scrooge McDuck who is destined to find the Papyrus of Binding" thing. After rewatching the whole series thus far a few weeks ago, it's been on my mind a lot, and with all the news we've gotten about the finale recently, I've managed to piece something together that I think is pretty plausible. I want to warn you guys right away that this post will have spoilers for the finale promo that was released on Monday, so if you haven't seen it and don't plan on checking it out, please don't read any further! That being said, let's get into this.

For starters, let's look at what we know about the rightful heir to the Papyrus of Binding so far. FOWL is taking all of the missing mysteries and it's included, but they can't retrieve this one on their own. In The First Adventure!, Scrooge wrote that it shall go to "the rightful heir of McDuck" and "that those who attempt to harm any of them will be incapable to getting it." Therefore, nobody in FOWL would be able to retrieve the Papyrus because none of them are Scrooge's heirs and they've all tried to harm him and his family in some way. Another thing to note on the topic of this particular episode, despite being the finale of the show, The Last Adventure! is a clear parallel title to The First Adventure!, where the Papyrus was introduced, so it's likely to be found in the finale.

Now, let's look back to The Split Sword of Swanstantine! At the end of this episode, it's shown that Black Heron has gotten a feather from one of the McDucks for some mysterious reason. Many assumed this would be a cloning situation, where they need to get McDuck DNA in order to replicate a "rightful heir" who hasn't hurt Scrooge or his family in order to get the Papyrus back. However, a lot of the fandom seemed to think it was Scrooge's feather. I personally don't think that is the case. In the episode, we see Heron swipe at all of the children.

She very well could have picked up a feather from one of the kids instead. Of course, the triplets are the first to come to mind because they are essentially Scrooge's heirs, so it would make sense if she was after one of their feathers. But then, I started thinking and realized that none of them really take after Scrooge entirely. Huey primarily looks up to Fenton and Donald (if you're looking for someone inside the family) and leans toward being a superhero/scientist rather than adventurer. We know from the last episode that Dewey wants to be a pilot and has always primarily looked up to Della more than anyone else in the family. Louie you could make an argument for, but he only really admires Scrooge because of his money. He doesn't like adventuring and would rather focus on strategy.

So who could the rightful heir be? Well, there's really only one choice and it fits infinitely better than the rest. I'm very certain that Webby is going to be the rightful heir who is destined to find the Papyrus of Binding. There is a ton of evidence hidden throughout the show since season 1 of this, and I've collected all I could find. I'm sure I even missed some.

First of all, let's get into Webby's character. From her first appearance, she's shown to idolize Scrooge and everything about his family. She's invested in McDuck history and dreams of becoming an adventurer just like Scrooge. In fact, the episode of the series that introduces FOWL way back in season 1 is one that focuses heavily on Scrooge's bond with Webby. There's also the part in A Nightmare on Killmotor Hill! where it's revealed that her perfect dream is quite literally turning into Scrooge. She also believed him longer than the other family members in 87 Cent Solution! There's LOTS of stuff in the show about Webby looking up to him, too much for me to even include in one post.

Season 3 is focused on legacy. We've gotten focus or are getting focus on the legacies of each of the triplets: Huey being a superhero (we could get more of this tbh), Dewey being a pilot and whatever's going on with Louie in the next episode. What about Webby's legacy? Well, it's very clear to me that it lies with Clan McDuck. The last Webby-centric episode we got was The Fight for Castle McDuck!, one that heavily focused on why she's a part of the McDuck family and heavily revolved around getting a placement in it (the whole statue thing). This episode really felt like it was leading up to her ultimate legacy being to follow in Scrooge's footsteps and become a great adventurer. It was also very recent and not counting the Christmas episode which was likely out of production order, the last Webby episode before the finale. (Also, I think it's important to note that the first season 3 episode that heavily focuses on FOWL has a Scrooge and Webby B plot. Just food for thought.)

Another important thing that I just noticed is that in the season 2 finale Moonvasion!, at the end of the FOWL reveal, the camera SPECIFICALLY pans in on Webby hugging Scrooge. This is a deliberate decision, as Webby could have easily been shown with the triplets of Beakley in this scene. But they chose to put Scrooge and Webby front and center.

Another thing to point out is that FOWL's intentions with the feather is obviously cloning, as mentioned before and theorized by many. In the finale for the promo, we saw two new characters with an interesting resemblance to Webby. It's very likely that May and June are the results of them trying to clone Webby through her feather.

However, they don't look exactly like her. Their color schemes and hairstyles are different, and we know by the casting announcement that they have different voice actresses. Therefore, I don't think FOWL has mastered the art of cloning just yet. They need a perfect clone of Webby, and much like Bentley and Buford (who appear to be clones of Bradford, I'm gonna be real), they're like Webby but not exactly Webby. I wouldn't be surprised if they were sent to the lost library for being "rejects," where they're later found by the family, explain why they were created and open up the exposition for The Last Adventure.

How does FOWL know Webby is the rightful heir? I don't know. I don't think we'll be able to determine that until we know more. But I feel like they somehow do and plan on making the perfect clone of her to retrieve the Papyrus before the McDucks are able to. This is a bit of a stretch, but maybe Beakley knows about this too and is keeping it from Webby because it opens her up to danger. Who knows?

And one more thing before we wrap this post up: remember when Frank said something from Last Crash of the Sunchaser! would come up in season 3? That had to be about him stating Webby wasn't family. It could very well be brought up again in the context that Webby isn't only family but the rightful heir of Scrooge McDuck himself!

Anyway, that's about all I have. I'm sure there's more evidence, and if you have any, feel free to respond with it or send it to me via DMs or asks! This will definitely be on my mind until the finale airs LOL

[whoseafraidofliloleme]

the last chapter of unexpected partners,,,,,, why am i kinda emotional 🥺🥺

i'm so thankful that i was able to find such a fun and interesting smau and making you laugh with my asks was honestly just a plus! ty for taking the time to answer every single one of them and even write that ynlix spin-off <33

honestly we've seen ynwon evolve (mostly jungwon bc at first i just wanted to 👊👊👊) into the beautiful and funny couple they ended up becoming, and it was a ride i definitely enjoyed: seeing yn slay at different clubs, become closer to stuco and be happy with her friends... she's definitely an mc i won't forget!! same for jungwon tho, because he went from this insensitive asshole to such a nice guy and a loving bf, i'm kinda proud of him tbh 😌

rlly ty for writing this and providing all of us with top tier ynwon content!!

(also i love that all the girls jumped into the men hating train at the end and that you gave the ynlix besties a last focus <3)

and now we're going onto another ride so... could you add me to the wrecking her plans taglist 🥰🥰🥰

Ngl I wasn't emotional when I was writing the final chapter, but now that it's out there it's hitting me that Unexpected Partners is over 🥺🥺.

As a writer I struggle a lot with wondering if anything I write is good or worth putting out there. So to hear you say that you found UP to be fun and interesting is just so gratifying.

Girl I think out of the two of us, I had more fun answering your asks than you probably had in sending them. Not just yours but the multiple anon asks I got for this au as well.

That Ynlix spinoff will forever be special to me. I never thought in a million years I'd write a spinoff story for a ship in one of my aus.

Not only that but it was my first time writing for Stray Kidz, since Felix was the main love interest. If inspiration strikes I may just write a smau for Stray Kidz, I'm not fully into staning them just yet but I'll probably be a stay in no time 😂.

Honestly I don't even remember where this idea even came from but once I got started with it. I just fell in love with everything in the Unexpected Partners universe 😂.

I think the idea of being so in love with someone that you do everything to help them, only for it to be unrequited and then you take the steps to better yourself and love yourself is when the other person realises what they've lost.

The concept itself is very much loving yourself before you love another. I'd like to think I showed that in the way YN grew as a person, branched out and became her own person outside of this identity of being the StuCo VP.

Honestly I was afraid that Jungwon's redemption arc wouldn't be well received or that it wouldn't seem genuine but I'm glad that everyone liked the way it went and it seemed realistic to me in the way a 17 year old boy would act 😂.

Lol I think we're all proud of Jungwon and his growth from asshole to a loving, caring boyfriend. Another reason I love the Ynlix spinoff so much. It shows what would've happened of Jungwon didn't grow, if he stayed the asshole. If YN didn't make the choice to leave StuCo and he wasn't faced with realising that he'd been taking her for granted.

I loved writing this, so thanks for reading and sending asks, hating Jungwon, loving Ynlix, eventually coming round to ship ynwon. Honestly so happy you think my little fic is top tier ynwon content 😂😭😭.

The girls going on a men hating train just felt very justified 😂. And the StuCo girls hating on Jungwon was really just to show how even on a girl's outing that consists of Jungwon's girlfriend (YN) and his best female friends (Karina, Winter and Giselle), the StuCo girls will still drag him 😂😂.

Ynlix besties will forever hold a special place in my heart. Even when ynwon are old and grey, Felix will still be third wheeling them just as old and grey as them 😂.

Some little Ynlix besties + Jungwon headcanons I have:

1. YN and Felix are both doing the same course at SNU and obviously they're shipped together. Our Wonnie boo gets so jealous that the shy baby gives YN a very heated, shouldn't be public kiss just before her lecture in front of her classmates to get the Ynlix romantic shipping to stop. Poor YN is in a daze for the rest of the lecture and Felix was live tweeting the whole thing 😂.

2. When ynwon first move out together. On their first day in their new flat, Felix comes with a box of his things and starts putting them around the flat. Jungwon questions him and he's like well I gotta have things that make me comfortable in my besties flat. When they at some point get a 2 bedroom flat it's a unwritten rule that the 2nd bedroom is for Felix.

3. Over the years, Jungwon and Felix become close, they have a Tom and Jerry dynamic. Always fighting but they got each others backs. This is shown when ynwon overhear some idiots saying rude things abt Felix and before YN can go give them a piece of her mind. Jungwon is already there glaring and shouting at these idiots who dares to badmouth Felix.

4. Finally when ynwon get married, Felix gives a speech with a PowerPoint presentation chronicling their relationship, he absolutely roasts Jungwon on his wedding day but Jungwon is too happy beside his bride to care. Oh and when ynwon have kids you bet Felix is their favourite uncle.

Okay I got a bit carried away with that 😂.

I'll definitely add you to the Wrecking Her Plans Taglist. I'll eagerly be awaiting your asks for that, there will be lots of drama in that au.

This turned out longer than I expected 😂.

[cursedfortune]

[kazeofthemagun] ♛ >u>

[ ♛ ] send me a url and i’ll tell you the following; @kazeofthemagun

my opinion on;

character in general: Fuck me up. I love this character. I know I've said this before but I can't stress enough the long journey I went on to find this boy and it was only because of you I came to finally have it answered who the fuck this character is. The TWO pictures I have of him since I was like, 11 or 12, sitting in a ??? folder because I loved his design (and Kumo's) but I never found any names associated with the art of them. Then you like, kicked down my door and revealed the glory that is Kaze and FF:U and I'm still crying in joy and relief this mystery has been solved. What does that have to do with the character? A fuckton, I'll tell you whut. The thing is, this great mystery could have turned out disappointing. My intuition wouldn't believe that Kaze and Kumo would be awful when/if I learned of them, but there's always that possibility that just cause something looks appealing doesn't mean it actually is. I was so happy to be reunited with this mystery plaguing me and to also see these characters were also fucking fantastic that god. I was a big dumb baby. Stupid sobbing baby that also didn't want to freak you out about it asfdgfhg. Kaze? Fantastic. People overlook him and it's a fucking shame but he's... an onion. Layered. In between each layer is a gun. I love everything about him, even when he's an ass. how they play them: BEAUTIFULLY. He's a quiet boi but like, you reflect that wonderfully and in a way that still allows for others to easily engage with him, I feel. Quiet characters mean a lot to me, they are my bread and butter but I feel like they are often viewed hesitantly to engage with. You write Kaze with so much thoughtfulness, tbh. You pay mind to all his details and from them grow more lore that you further research for. The lengths you go to with the minimum content you have to avoid loopholes and keep information flowing in one direction blows my mind. I appreciate it so much. I'm not joking when I say that if I ever make bank someday I want to buy the rights for FF:U and dump it into your lap. You're like, the guardian of Kaze and the FF:U lore and how you write him is just... enchanting. Every description, every poetic line, every bit of dialogue he's willing to verbalize - it's always so clear to me and paints the scene. There's so much body language being spoken even if it's just the slightest change in his gaze. You write to highlight these things and convey what others would see of him, but then equally place it in the other's hands to see if their muse would even be able to understand it. It's a beautiful manner in which you write, okay. Your writing style is one I've always leaned towards and favored reading. You better not even get me started on how you write horror or the things you focus on/believe as horror or suffering to this boi because it's my shit and I'm all for it. I'm all for all of your writing. the mun: I'm all for YOU too. You're so welcoming to speak with and have become such a good friend. I love hearing you go off on your nerd and FF:U, or just anything in general. Your own content or whatever is on your mind. Topic doesn't matter, I really like just shooting the shit with you. I appreciate your kindness and how genuine you are about your interests. Especially when it's like, shown my way (or even towards others too!) and hearing your thoughts or answering your questions and what not. I enjoy our freak outs over these two and how they have unexpectedly grown and revealed parts of themselves that are near-impossible to access. But are still very much there and a core part of themselves. Doing deep dives late at night/early morning on character or lore stuff just feeds me. I have so much fun with you. I enjoy your brain. It's hella creative and funny and you just have this eye for talent, i feel like. no matter what you are doing, whether it be writing, drawing or animating i always find myself amazed by the things you create. it feels like you should just sign the adoption papers on this boi already ahahaha. i appreciate our ability to talk lightly or deeply at the

drop of a hat and have been having a blast all in all knowing you for like - over a year now? heck. time well spent, i say. ^^

do i;

follow them: Yes. rp with them: YES. want to rp with them: Always. Forever. ship their character with mine: Well, we got a ship of sorts yes. Unconventional ships are still a ship, right? These two certainly did the unexpected. Look. Look, the thing is, I know in Mortem's canon what her range of love is. She has a lot to give but nothing ever leaves the platonic zone. So this has been a TRIP. Going from, 'haha, we're attracted to one another' to her being smitten to the extent she can allow for it. Like, they bonded before this, which is great. I love how the two of them became just solid platonic pals, bonded by their natures and understanding for one another. Finding acceptance in each other rather easy since they just get it. But then you throw some blood on them in their first spar together and the THIRST is like, 'lol u fools i was here ALL ALONG!' and I'm dying. I'm dead. Thank you. Yes, I ship these two hard. Their dynamic is so like, peaceful. Understanding. Even when they are getting aggro with one another (whether it's a spar or they fight or she does a pendulum swing) there's such a comfort in the trust they have formed that makes it so hard for them to shake their perspectives on one another. All the things I could get into about how well their dynamic just works, how accepting they are of who/what they are and how much they can care for one another before their purpose takes lead. It kills me. Which is why the Chaos thread makes me CRY. Even if it's not as accurate now that these two decided they caught feels and all, it's still right to the gut on the feels train because it's so heavily focused on their purposes and also their bond. Which, like, think how much worse it will be if we ever reboot it or something. B) All in all. These two fucking SLAP. And also slap anyone that interrupts or interferes with them. Power slapping duo. #Never Forget Mortem Turned Him Into A Switch! *wheezes*

what is my;

overall opinion: There's so much love in my heart okay. Also, pls reblog the read out loud meme sometime cause your voice is so soothing and I keep forgetting to demand MORE lmfao. These two are like, a bundle of memes and tropes that walk hand in hand with one another and it's beyond precious. They are such violent and scary fucks but then they look at one another and it can all melt away. Or come back. Depending on the situation. And YOU are a very cool, funny, creative and wonderful soul. I love all the jokes that have formed between us and just. everything. Everything, okay?? Thank you for choosing to spend time with me. u///u

[thetraumadiaries]

My experience with MDMA & PTSD

So let me tell you about the first time I made a major breakthrough with my PTSD.

It's the first time I felt like I was capable of healing. What I'm about to say may be controversial, and perhaps not all of you will respect my decision, nor do the same thing I did. In fact, I am not trying to encourage you to do what I did, but I just want to come out and be honest about how I felt.

Anyway.

For years, I've been the kind of girl that's very "against" drugs. Well, I didn't have a problem with people that chose to do it, but I could see their suffering and reliance and I did not want to become weakened by a substance, or reliant on it. I am an incredibly resilient person. Heck, I don't even take painkillers when I need them. But for a while, the idea of drugs scared me because of their dangers. Also, the social stigma made me really adamant on staying away from them.

Of course, when I turned 20 I did try marijuana for the first time. Tbh, I didn't even really enjoy it. It made me ridiculous, silly and paranoid. It enhanced the overthinking parts of my brain. A few years later, I decided to try it again... this time I had sex while being high. It was actually a great experience. It was fun. But meh, it wasn't really something I cared for tbh. At the time, that was the "hardest" drug I'd ever do. I'm glad I tried it, but I vowed not to do anything else.

You see, my mother has paranoid schizophrenia. We aren't sure what triggered it in her... perhaps it was having me after 3 miscarriages before. I wasn't meant to be born.

Maybe it was the way my uncle treated her as a child, and how horrible people were to her. Maybe it was her own traumatic experiences time after time.

Either way, I grew up with a crazy mom.

It was hard. I won't explain the details of that today, but of course, you can understand my hesitation and fear of drugs after growing up with a mother like that. No, my mom never did any drugs. But knowing that schizophrenia COULD be hereditary and that drugs CAN trigger it, means it is a very real risk for me.

After university and postgrad, I had a friend who tried to talk to me about drug therapy. I was very open about what I was going through on Instagram & Facebook. But I kept explaining to him that I have a very good reason not try any substances. He was telling me how MDMA research had found breakthroughs with PTSD. This is when I had just started suspecting that I had a severe case of PTSD, but wasn't yet diagnosed. Honestly, when he was talking to me, I didn't even know what MDMA was. I didn't know what ecstacy really did to people. Or meth. Or cocaine. Or heroine. I just knew that they could ruin people's lives - and that the risk to me is the greatest. So I brushed him off, educated him on my schizophrenic parent, and was adamantly against was he was saying.

But I have to say, I think that knowledge haunted me subconsciously.

Half a year later, I made some new friends when I was on my way to go clubbing with my girls. I really like to dance, and these new friends - two guys - they noticed that. They told me that I should come raving with them, and that I'd really enjoy it. I honestly knew nothing about raves, but being a metalhead for so long, I've also been exposed to harder styles of EDM and was interested in it. I decided to go with them. They offered me M but I declined, of course. I didn't explain my reasons right away, but they respected me for it & it was a great time.

I wanted to go again to another event. I was also interested in the guy that invited me. But he told me something that was strange. He said he doesn't feel comfortable around sober people when he raves. I thought that was some weird af guilt-tripping bullshit tbh. So I explained my reason and TBH, I always have a good time sober. I'm just as happy and fun and crazy as everyone else! But sure, whatever...maybe I didn't "tap into" whatever they did.

So we all went to another event. It was good. But I started growing more and more curious. My PTSD was actually getting worse. A few months before these raves, I got raped.. and I hadn't healed properly. I even lost my job because I wasn't able to focus on both a criminal investigation, how I felt and doing my daily tasks. I didn't even look for a new job in this time. I was so lost, going through so much. I think I really just wanted someone to talk to who wouldn't blame me or question the logic of what happened. But heck, I couldn't afford therapy. I didn't even have the energy to make the phone call to get help. But I really needed help. So I kept talking to this guy. He was nice to me and would talk to me, having "real" conversations with me (not like the BS small talk that most Toronto fuckboys engage in). Looking back, I think I liked him because I felt like I could heal through him. This was a mistake, of course. But it's okay, we live and we learn.

Now comes the good part. The first breakthrough.

Dreams Festival was around the corner, and since I'd been exposed to all my friends on M at every rave, I was really thinking about it a lot. I had done some research and read that M with assisted psychotherapy really did do wonders for PTSD. Of course, I didn't have a psychotherapist... but I was curious. What if I did just a little bit? Just a tiny amount.

The guy I was seeing - he would make his own pills. So he could tell me exactly how much is in each of them, and customize it for me. I told him I wanted to try it... but I didn't want to do it both days of the festival. Just one. I read and saw my friends go through a lot of the side effects and a lot of the highs, and they educated me a lot on it. So I think I was okay.

Day 1 was great, but Day 2 is when I popped for the first time.

I only took 0.10, but man... it was enough. Believe me. When I started rolling, it was like...

I didn't even know I was capable of feeling that way. It was as though a HUGE weight that I'd been carrying for my whole life was literally lifted off my shoulders. The sun was setting and it felt so good on my skin. They kept telling me to put my sunglasses on, but I didn't want to. I wanted to look at the sunset, and feel the warmth on my face. I didn't have a fear in the world.

And that was profound.

I didn't feel any fear. For the first time in my life.

I wasn't scared or worried about ANYTHING. I had no stress. I wasn't thinking about anything bad that had happened.

So I started crying. I was fucking balling my eyes out. I didn't know it was possible to feel this way. I didn't even know that hope existed. I didn't know what recovery felt like. But feeling that... made it all possible. I realized that it was actually possible for me to feel that way sober. The "real me" came out. I realized that there was a kind of "fear cloud" haunting me, and that I just need to separate myself from it to feel good and heal.

It was magical. This realization was the biggest epiphany I've ever had in my life.

I was okay. I was REALLY okay... and I would continue to be if I can remember how to do that again.

I just have to remember....

Since that amazing night, I got A LOT better. It was like 6 sessions of therapy, I swear. Don't get me wrong- the "fear cloud" definitely came back LOL. & I'm still damaged af. But tbh, I learned a lot and I can tap into that experience to help myself move forward.

The best part is, I had no come down and I didn't even crave the feeling of being high like that again. Just that one experience was enough for me to know that I'll be okay, but that it's going to take a lot of pro-activeness for me to get there.

And so I've been working hard at psychoanalyzing myself, and keeping my mental health in check.

When I break down, it gets REALLY bad. But I can tap into that and talk myself out of the overwhelming negative memories and bad thoughts that stop me from sleeping. It doesn't go away completely, but it really does help a lot. I'm not a lost cause anymore. I'm not bad anymore.

I'm not the way I was last summer.

And well, there you have it.

That's just one baby step in a life long journey of healing from PTSD.

[hayleymarshalldaily]

Your answer on who you think is gonna die this season was very spot on ! Honestly I don't think it will be Klaus or Hope or Hayley. Kol wouldn't have a big enough emotional impact for the viewers. Maybe Rebekah, but she's so on and off on this show, I don't think the viewers would care as much as if she had died on TVD. So my money would be on Elijah... [1/3]

[2/3] Since Elijah have always been Klaus' moral compass, since Klaus is changing for Hope, trying to be a better person, E. lost his goal. And the writer just said he's "an old dog who doesn't do new tricks". It may mean he won't be able to adapt and find a new goal ? And THAT would be a painful death for us. I love Elijah, even though I'm a Klayley fan ! But let's be honest, he has not been the same since he came back.

[3/3] And speaking of Hayley... For me, I found their relationship to be a little off. It's clear Hayley has evolved, but E. seems to be trapped in the same mindset. Klaus and Hayley's focus is clearly Hope, but is it Elijah's ? Would he be able to sacrifice, I don't know, Klaus or Rebekah for Hope ? Just a few questions I'm asking myself. Also, since Klaus and Hayley seem to be on the same page for once, do you think there is a chance they might end up together ? (Sorry for all this rambling !)

For 1000 years Elijah has been on the same path, finding his brothers redemption. And now he has woken to realise that Klaus doesn’t need Elijah’s help anymore, he has Hope and he is growing and striving to change for her and I think Elijah’s a bit of a lost lamb in the middle of a crisis rn. He doesn’t know what to do with his time now Klaus doesn’t actually need him anymore.... so instead he’s just placing himself in Klaus’ place a lot and sorting issues out so Klaus doesn’t have to... almost like a hired gun tbh. 

Their relationship seeming off is probably down to the fact that yes Hayley has grown whereas Elijah hasn’t, but also they’ve never been allowed to just be together before, first she was pregnant in s1 and Klaus’ paranoia was sky high, then in season too, initially she was grieving too much to be interested in anyone and then from mid s2 until mid s3 she was with jackson, and then again until the very end of s3 she was grieving the loss of her husband. Her and Elijah have never really been in a position before now where they could actually class themselves as a couple and I think both of them are a little unsteady.

Tbh no I dont think klaus and hayley will ever be together romantically on the show but I do think that them breaking up and deconstructing hayley and elijah is a definite possibility considering Elijah did this episode exactly what Hayley said she didn’t want to be done - Hayley is a mother. She has a child. And she has asked Elijah to stop killing children, other people’s children.... and he’s not listened to her. And I think she’ll be upset when she finds out.