#tbh this is really just depressed yearning

[peachjagiya]

Please bear with me, this my very personal, very complicated life story. So...me and my partner, we've been in a very intense public relationship for 7-8 years. We work for the same firm and our employer is uber supportive of our relationship, so much so that we are on every poster of our office's "traits of the perfect colleague couples".

So anyways, we decided to quit our jobs. I've been working on my thing and my boyfriend his own. Now even though technically we should've been living together since we've been in a relationship for so long, but we don't. And since I was busy with my new business venture, I decided to take a break from my very loving relationship bcs we were so much in love that we weren't able to bear the insurmountable level of love we were throwing at each other(ik it makes no sense but that's how I roll🤷🏻‍♂️). Now my boyfriend is an influencer and busy with his own projects but he started missing me something fierce. Like he used to go on insta lives and look all mopey and depressed bcs I had not even been talking to him. Well you can argue that he could've called/ft me himself or even came over to my workplace or home but he instead chose to beg me to do joint lives infront of his millions of followers. Instead of texting me, he would ask me to come to my place infront of his followers. And now I did understand that he was very desperate for my attention, but I still didn't give him any. I used to hang out with my other buddies all the time but didn't really care about my sad bf to even give him a visit. He did the same tbh so you can't blame only me on this. He has this bff (whom we both despise jfyi), for whom he flies to different continents to be with when the bff is on work sched. Now if he can take such long flights, why can't he drive to see me when we are in the same city? Maybe he prefers flying over driving?? Wow I neve thought of that...that changes everything 😮. Should I relocate?

So anyways, after ignoring his melancholy and yearning for close to a year, I've finally decided to go on some trips with him,with just one catch, our holidays will be recorded and made into a vlog series for his yt channel. I could've chosen the better option of travelling privately, but how would that help us rekindle our romance? Imo the best kind of rekindling is done infront of millions of eyes and atleast 20 crew members who also give us directions on how we interact with e/o, that's my version of couples therapy😌.

Now I've seen some people speculating that he's closer to his bff, based merely on the fact that they'd been closer even before I met them and that that bff (whom we hate with every fibre of our being) and my bf spend a lot of time with each other, time he could've been spending with me, etc etc. And some people even say they can see love brimming in their eyes for each other, which is just plain bs imo.

Now how do I shut those a holes up? The ones who are logically, practically and realistically right about my relationship being nothing but friendship? Also, am I a good boyfriend? Imo I am the best one out there mainly bcs no matter how much I ignore my bf, he still pines over me like a sad alpha 😏

Please help me O wise people of taekook land 🙏🏻.

"Should I relocate?"

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

You're too funny for me, anon, because it took me until "insta lives" to realise. I'm dumb.

💜

[earlgodwin]

Do you associate songs with fictional characters? Also if you could ask The Borgia cast any questions about their characters do you know what they would be? 🩷

"do you associate songs with fictional characters?"

the funny thing is, i didn't discover the concept of associating songs with characters until recent years! because back in the day, i wasn't doing it, and i didn't know why at first since everyone was doing it. but i realized it just happens when you get deeply invested in characters lol

so, i used to be (and still, tbh) obsessed with a song called 'once' by brad kane. it's about change, loss, and the yearning for redemption for someone the narrator once knew as cheerful and full of life.

i found out about it after seeing a supernatural edit about dean winchester in that arc where he became a demon and his emotions became dark. he forgot all his memories, and his brother was trying to get him back, never giving up on him even though it was painful witnessing him slip further and further away. and after watching the borgias and getting to know juan's character, and seeing him go from a sweet and bizarrely charming but arrogantly cocky little guy to being depressed, lonely, and sad with a downward spiral, it left me no choice but to associate the song with him. coincidentally, i found out later that someone already made a juan edit with it, so basically, a lot of us agree it is the juan song (although the song is more like for everyone who's ever felt alone and wondered if there is actually anyone out there to help them get through life. but juan was pretty much alone, and no one from his family even cared to reach out since he was lost)

"if you could ask the borgias cast any questions about their characters do you know what they would be?"

i would ask holliday grainger about what lucrezia would've said or done if she knew that the way juan childishly behaves towards her is because he's in love with her, and not because he doesn't want to see her happy (since that's what she truly believes, which is the wrong idea). i would also ask david to dive deep and provide insights about juan's complex feelings towards lucrezia and cesare. i mean, i know that he has resentment towards cesare because he's aware that cesare is the one rodrigo relies on and is better at being a leader than juan will ever be. but he also resents the fact that cesare doesn't love him or view him as an equal. according to david's last interview about the show, he mentioned that having a bond with cesare is something that juan 'always wanted'. also, juan feels very sorry for lucrezia after what he has done to her (killing paolo) but childishly not wanting to admit he has done her wrong, believing he was protecting her while being driven by jealousy over seeing her with a lover, let alone being a peasant who would bring scandals to the family. juan has so many misguided notions, misunderstood tenderness, confusion, and frustration. so, i would really like to hear david go on about it for hours and explain what he means when he said that juan wanted to be involved in lucrezia and cesare's affair.

[sboochi]

Omg had a heartbreaking idea. So you when the TTS gang is all stranded on the island, and they find that device that shows them their happiest moment over and over again. What if

A - it doesn’t work on Jack because he’s the Guardian of Fun, and so the magic is too similar and it protects him from seeing anything.

B- He still doesn’t see anything, but that’s because his “happiest moment/greatest desire” is so impossible for the magic of the talisman that it isn’t strong enough to conjure it. Plus, Jack still doesn’t remember a lot about himself. So it’s like trying to use his memories from the tooth box, but if the tooth box was broken. He hears Mary (his human little sister’s voice) again and just sees a shadow. The shadow glitches a lot before disappearing. What would that should be? Jaime and the guardians? Or Mary, and the answer to his question of what she looked like (cause he only got a glimpse) and her name.

c - It DOES work and you have a very very very depressed and bipolar Jack on an tropical island which is now turning into a winter doomsday and no one else gets a turn because Jack is literally so desperate for answers he will in fact snap to get them.

Which tbh I feel like since Merida has her villain arc later, Hiccup has his depression arc without his emotional support dragon, Rapunzel with Varian and Cass, Varian with his Dad and villian arc, Cass with her Villain arcEugene with the whole Dark Kingdom being his birthplace, I would very much like to see Jack go through the runner and I don’t know if it’s here on the island of misfit toys or in Athollhan that he snaps and breaks down crying and causes the universe to go “yikes.dot.yikes”

You know, I've thought about the Happiness is... episode before, and the interesting thing is this: the idol seems to focus on temporary needs and desires.

Eugene sees himself as captain of a ship, not him happily married to Rapunzel in a big castle. Rapunzel sees her parents, not the black rocks mystery solved. Cassandra's vision is the one that feels more deeper-desire-y.

So considering that, I think Merida would see some adventurous scenario where she'd get to run around doing fun action stuff and Jack would see an apparently innocent snowball fight with the Burgess kids and the Guardians, because this is when he'd really start getting nostalgic for home.

That leaves out Hiccup, who at this point has spent the first third of the season sulking and being really depressed.

And not only I've been neglecting his part in the story, with the antagonist!Merida plotline and moonstone!Jack shenanigans, but this is the perfect moment to put Hiccup under the spotlight. Because of course he'd see Toothless.

And after a healthy amount of yearning, self-doubt and guilt, really making him feel terrible, and the reveal that it was just the idol making him see things, he snaps. But not in the tragic way. Instead, this is what shakes him up and makes him find the will to fight again.

Cue epic construction montage where Hiccup builds a boat/raft helped by everyone, so they can finally leave the island.

[john-smiths-jawline]

Hey, I just had to check on you to see if you were alright because you've been having a mental breakdown over TTPD on my dashboard for about a month now. I mean, it's super relatable, but are you okay? 👀

TBH this album is bringing up a lot of memories about someone I’m really really really trying to forget (trying to remember if you’ve seen my most about the song “Peter”, I think you have), so yeah, plus I’m taking both my AP test AND the SAT in less than a month, so I’m trying to use this album as escapism from the sheer amount of studying and stressing about studying that’s happening, but the album is pretty depressing so that’s just making me depressed, and I was already depressed due to unrelated life events so things are kinda spiraling here and I’m trying not to break down completely because I feel horrible every second I’m not spending studying or stressing about studying, but trying to not be depressed while a bunch of things that make you depressed are currently happening is, as they say, a Sisyphean task, so now I’m stressing about how to avoid a complete breakdown which is just MORE stress which is NOT helpful when you’re trying to not have a breakdown, and I’m just trying to, if I can borrow a turn of phrase, I Can Do It With A Broken Heart it, which turns out to be really hard, so yeah, so I’m not, like, doing great, and the album isn’t helping but it’s also not (exclusively) to blame, even though I really wish it would stop reminding me of Them, because now the mostly-suppressed bone-deep yearning has stopped being mostly-suppressed and I don’t have the mental energy to deal with that on top of everything else I have going on, so I’m just kinda letting it run wild, and the sheer unrequitedness of it all is making me more depressed, which is making things worse because I can’t have one good thing apparently.

I won’t stop listening to it though, it’s a great album with a lot of certified bangers, although I am sorry if the constant posting is getting annoying.

If it’s any help I should be back to normal sometime soon after May 20 (that’s the SAT, my final standardized test), although after that we are entering finals season so who’s to say, really.

[bigmack2go]

How tiktok is the reason i got into theatre except its not at all how you think it is

Okay tik tok. Tiktok right? Right. So tiktok shoed me this clip of toggos woozle goozle in like,,, what? 2017? And i literally just wanted to find that one episode bc i was really interested in that topic they were explaining (i dont even remember it anymore lmao) (yes i know this is the worst tiktok thing to fall for. Yes it still happened.) sonthere i was. No clue what episode it was. So naturally i skip through all of them to find the right one yes? I found myself get really invested in woozle goozle and even when i found the episode i kept watching cthrough that shit. NOW this is were i first hear about starlight starlight express. I have been to theatre and musicals before obviously and i liked it but i never really cared about it too much. But starlight express? Staight express was different. Starlight express just had smt of home to it. So for months on months i just yearned for this fucking show, buyed the soundtrack (i didnt know english at the time but i accidentally bought it in english so i bought it twice lmao), i tried finding bootlegs (but this stage is barely possible to get a bootleg), i buyed merch, i read all about it online. Then christmas came and WHAT?! I GET TO GO TO STARLIGHT EXPRESS?! OMFG?! So on april 18th the following year (yes i remember the date fuck u) i got to see the newest adaptation in bochum. I have never felt such chills in my entire life (and i gotta say i don’t think that i’m gonna, anytime soon). And so i first started obsessing with a musical. Now two years went by, i saw the lion king in london and loved it but tbh i didn’t obsess over it even near the amount i obsess over other stuff. Mind you it is now 2019 and i have adhd. I have never had a hyper fixation last this long. This is when i start to understand the world a bit more. I realise gay people…. Exist? I mean obv i knew they exist but where i was it was smt rly rly special and i never even considered it tbh. I search up what lgbtq+ means and my suggestions are now not only starlight express anymore but also gay shit (lmao who would’ve thought this is how i turn out) and algorithm was algorithm-ing and gave me: ✨Bi Electra✨. Now this is when i first even saw other sides/perspectives to the whole show (and generally, the concept of fandom) and i re-obsessed over this thing that i never even un-obsessed with(?). I got into some more musicals, saw sone bootlegs ykyk. Beetlejuice had a local production and i alsi went to see sister act, little shop if horrors and frozen on ice (this was the girst one i saw in English). 2020 came and with it: covid. I got into other fandoms thinking i cant go see musicals anyway. I have given up to find movies of musicals and i had no idea the bootlegs were a thing. I only ever tried to find snt that i know now is called a bootleg for stex and i didnt find anyghing so naturaly i never tried again lmao. With other fandoms coming along, i started to leave starlight express behind. And so tiktok cames back into play. Dream smp. I had no fucking clue what these people that i kept getting on my fy were. It took me a really depressing gnf fanart to finally give in and get into that fandom that pushed everything else of my for you page. That’s when maria Reynolds walked into my life (sorry i had to say this). You probably know how the whole L’Manberg arc started with hamilton being watchable. So i not only got into the dream smp (and let me tell you i was down bad for the dsmp) but even more into Hamilton. It was only about a year ago i started realising i was gay and then this actress is introduced to me and she is so fucking hot and i thought i was envying her but it turns out it was just me being really fucking gay-. I started translating it and you know the rest. Well basically what happened then was me realising that i love musicals. Ive seen a lot of musicals but that never really,,, conected(?) in my brain… ig. And there is went obsessing over musicals as a whole. I knew english at this point btw. In 2022 our local theatre opened again because it was mainly outdors so yeah yk.

I was falling into a major depression at the time shutting myself off since quarantine yk. So my mom forced me out of my room. And suprise suprise it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Little shop of horrors opened again wooo. Anyway so i tried to find more and more musicals also on tiktok and i saw newsies. I was avoiding it for a good three months but i don’t remember why and i know love it more than myself lmao. Anyway uk’sies became a thing and so newsies started trending and it was watched a lot more and so it showed up on my disney+. I went “oh fuck it let’s give it a try” and have never been the same lol.

Yeah and you know the rest.

So yes. When i say that the dream smp connects to newsies for me, that’s not a joke.

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

I think I have an idea for a short story or maybe a novelette or novella. (probably not a novelette, bc those aren't really a thing these days). It's based on these intense dreams I had as a kid.

It's a little long, so I'm going put it under a thingy.

So, like as a teenager I used to have these weird dreams. They started when I was 15. They were prevalent all through out high school, though they became less and less common the older I got. I think the last dream I had was around 20/21ish.

In these dreams I was always in this black void. Or standing on the shore of some beach at night, when it was pitch black and the only light came from the moon and stars--in those dreams I was always reaching for something, but I don't know what. Anyway that was the setting for the dream.

The dream itself consisted of this man. He was beautiful, in an ethereal sort of way. Black hair, black eyes (just the pupil and the iris, he still had the whites of his eyes), pale white skin. Like really pale. And covered in this long black cloak that hid his body. I can't remember much of his face, but I think he had sharp features. And angular? I think there were prominent cheekbones, but I'm not sure.

And he would talk to me. At first it was a bit scary, what with the black void and all. At first from a distance. Telling me things like he'd been watching over me. So naturally, I was like, what? who are you, and that's creepy. He never did give me a name to call him that I can remember.

I would dream of him often, and he would tell me things like how one day, he'd come and take me away. Usually in these dreams, we'd be a distance apart. The distance got smaller with time; all the while he's telling me that he's coming to take me away. He doesn't tell me where or why, though sometimes he would say, to a better place. He'd say that he's watching over me, and will keep me safe.

Eventually we get to standing an arms length apart. (Which is my preferred distance for most people, tbh. I hate being touched, and I don't like people in my personal bubble.) He'd tell me that he'd come for me when I was ready. At one point, he said that I had to choose to come with him.

Dream me was very conflicted. Because I was scared of this dude, but also drawn to him. (It wasn't anything romantic or sexual. I just had this sense of yearning, like if I went with him then I could finally be free.)

Then the dreams changed. He started telling me to come to him. He would get closer now, close but never touching. He'd stand behind me and whisper in my ear for me to come to him. And I was always half afraid, half tempted. Because he'd promise a world where he could protect me from pain, where I could finally belong.

The ocean dreams started next. I could hear his voice, calling me for me to come to him. Except it wasn't from any one area, it was from everywhere and directly inside my brain. And he wasn't there anymore. But there was something--I could never remember what it was after waking up--far out into the ocean, something I knew i had to reach. That if I reached it, everything would be alright. That everything would be better. But I never could reach it in my dreams, it was too far away for to swim and reach. Sometimes when I tried, the ocean would become tempestuous, and I'd get caught up, struggling to keep forward, but never making it.

(And like, I'm pretty sure that was just some coping method my teenage mind cooked up to deal with the undiagnosed depression and anxiety. And the suicidal ideation. Like, I can remember this moment from when I was 16. I was sitting on my floor, on this awful dusty rose colored carpet that I hated, and had always hated, even though I picked it out, bc I went through a pink phase a few years earlier. I didn't really like pink all that much. I actually hated it, at the time, because to me it represented all the ways of being a girl that I couldn't be. It was feminine and girly, and all the things I wasn't. But I had to look normal, right? I had to be like other girls, so know one would know something was wrong with me, that I wasn't normal. And I was just there, tying my shoes, when the thought hit me. I was going to kill myself someday. I didn't know when, but I had this stark clarity that it was the way I was going to die. Bc one day I would get tired, too tired to keep doing this. And that it would be ok, bc I could go out on my own terms, that I would be the one in control of my death. I can't explain how that moment felt. It was like an epiphany for me. So yeah, I was probably real fucked up in the head.)

But I think it could make for a good story. We have a girl who struggles to feel like she belongs anywhere, who feels like there's a wall of glass between her and the world, like she's something other and has to pretend to be a person. Then there's this man (probably some type of supernatural/mythical/fantasy/etc. creature) who tells her he can take her somewhere better. Maybe make it a romance, because people dig romance. He visits her in her dreams, and she slowly falls in love with him. He could be a hero, or he could be a villain she has to defeat. The dreams stop. For years and years. Then something happens that triggers them to come back.

And then I would actually have to think of a plot and shit. It could be an allegory for death. Or obsession. Maybe the dream man is real, or maybe our heroine is crazy. I could leave it up to interpretation. Or I could straight up make him a creature. Idk yet.

[threebooksoneplot]

Was just catching up on the pod and had to chime in on ep 29. I think it’s a little unfair to say that Bella is being over the top in her depression era. Yes she is sad about Edward leaving but it goes deeper than that: it wasn’t just a boyfriend she was losing.

She is an only child with an immature, selfish mom and a dad that, while nice enough, hardly knows her. The Cullens are a large, cohesive, loving family and she wanted to join them badly. Also, now that she knows that the supernatural exists, she wants to be a part of that world badly and losing Edward also meant losing her chance at immortality. She didn't just lose a boyfriend, she lost the best possible version of her life.

Bella's depression is always going to be a hot topic, trust me bestie. G has talked pretty decently in-show about how Bella lost her entire support system. that's 100% true: she put all her eggs in one vampire-shaped basket, went full tunnel-vision when it came to edward, and only focused on that for 6+ months. but imo it's unfair to point toward charlie and renee (don't worry, I'll get into that) and shuffle responsibility onto them for the way bella spirals after edward/the cullens depart, leaving her with some vague yearning for a loving family (which, tbh, I'm not sure I see supported in canon in any way?)

friend I am so sorry to break it to you but the podcast jokes about stanning renee are not a bit. I (shannon) will always come to the defense of my girl renee dwyer because of how severely she's been mischaracterized by fandom at large. I won't get into it too deeply (me when I lie) because I really could go on all day but bella's parents being distant to the plot they way they both are is 100% by design. it's the whole Disney Mom Effect. when your character is designed to go off on adventures and have a fantastical journey, you sort of end up killing the mom (or at least one parent) so that there's more of that push for the main character to go out and make their own life! woo! enjoy your magical journey! but if you have a mom that is thoughtful, super-involved, ever-present, and/or ahem, alive, that fucks with the plans. renee isn't some neglectful monster who abandoned her daughter to go spend weekends in miami. charlie isn't some dumb sitcom dad who weaponizes incompetence to get free meals. they both love, care about, and worry for bella the way a normal parent would (and we see this in canon). now, smeyer didn't kill either of them, but honestly she pulled off charlie and renee's characters really well imo!

anyways, I agree that losing a vampire boyfriend that could have offered you infinite money or eternal life is a big L, no matter what. but the thing is, bella doesn't care about either of those things. she doesn't care about anything beyond Being With Edward (and Alice, to a lesser extent). the vampirism and cullens are a bonus perk, but she only focuses on edward. that's why we're always going to clown on her "throbbing" holes and her boring nightmares. sure, I feel bad about her complete lack of self-esteem and her self-destructive streak, but it's so hard to feel bad for her when the way she thinks about and acts toward non-cullen characters is like, uh... not great. so I am very sorry to you and the whole of your defense squad, and I wish you the best in your journey, but I don't think we'll ever NOT roll our eyes at Bella's behavior in this book 💔😔—shannon

^ me (G) reading shannon's answer to this

I mostly agree (except for the part about pulling off charlie's and renee's characters well. idk if I'd go THAT far.) the tl;dr for me is that I understand why many people find bella (particularly in her depression era) relatable, and I entered into this reading hoping (and even lowkey expecting) that I too would come away with more appreciation for her character, but I....did not. the opposite happened. that's my truth and if it makes me a hater, I'm a hater ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ —G

[justwinginoverthings]

Coming to this discussion 10 years after the fact but having rewatched MTV's Awkward. and reading/watching posts, tweets and video comments from way back to 2015 I find it so interesting that the general feeling was that Jenna didn't deserve Matty.

Like 10 years later we have shows like Never Have I Ever showing you not only that the popular boy/loser girl becoming a couple will innevitably NOT FIX the girl's insecurities but also in that show Devi doesn't make it one episode without having the epiphany that it's not worth it to be Paxton's secret fling. Contrasts that with Jenna lasting a whole entire season AND THEN she continues to keep it secret after break up for Matty's sake and his friendship with Jake.

And everyone understandibly criticizes Jenna for kissing another guy while dating Matty, but also, he was not as ideal. S4 explictly brings up the fact that he treated her as a booty call throughout S1. S2 has him trying to sabotage her relationship (and he never apologizes for Eva's behavior and his blindness to it ruining Jenna's pretty perfect relationship with Luke!)

Back to the subject of her insecurities, when she began to find herself in S3 he (her boyfriend!) called her new friends/interests pretentious or boring (pretty sure he does it AGAIN in S5). Its interesting to me that her S2 fantasy of "what-ifs" included Matty not allowing Sadie to bully her, and that she feels absolutely devastated from him saying he was embarassed of her in S1. S4 also shows that he always goes to her for emotional support, has jealousy for her seeing other people, but at the same time gets pissed if she intervenes too much in his life and is ready to cheat on his girl to kiss Jenna because he thinks the rules don't apply to them.

Even the S5 college clusterfuck is meh in terms of making her worse. The actors may be pushing 30 or whatever by at that stage Jenna is 19 and in her first ever internship after only one year of "finding herself as a freshman in college". Of course she won't know that a piece of her writing about her HS boyfriend will be twisted by editorial intervention for more clicks! And as Matty admits, HE was the inmature one in their college break-up , and very much an asshole about it. How was she to know he was devastatingly depressed over their break-up when he shouted he didn't want her love and that if she was against him transfering to her school then he would just walk out??

This is in no way hate to Matty. He's one of the dreamiest leading men I have ever seen in a teen drama. He is a good friend and great boyfriend most of the time ("making you happy makes me happy", seriously? SWOON), and boy do I love his honest yearning to be Jenna's hero.

I don't think they're toxic to the limit tbh. They're good friends to each other and never necessarily act in attempt to hurt or manipulate each other, they just really loved each other and had a real hard time letting go. Their will they won't they was messy enough to be interesting (most of the time anyways, even if S4-S5 weren't as good) without being the most toxic of that era of teen shows (seriously? Glee, Gossip Girl, 90210, etc had way worse Core Ships).

As Sadie points out, it's clear Matty remains obssessed with her (and selflessly encourages her to choose herself in the series finale and that's definetly growth on his character!) and Jenna overthinks shit a lot and is awkward but its obvious she struggles to know wether she should act as his friend or to act as a respectful ex and messes up because she's young and loves him. Like overall I think the idea that they became intimate friends was sold well enough to compensate their messiest momments.

[lvnce-mcclain]

buddie drabble

so before the Seasonal Depression⟨™⟩ took over lol, I had started writing a Buck centric fic that explores his tenuous relationship with sex and his own self worth. tbh I have more written for the outline than the actual fic, but for the first time in literal months I've felt like revisiting my wips, so I thought I’d share this little scene I wrote a while back. Maybe this is some accountability for me to actually work on fic again soon. 

anyway, it gets very slightly, vaguely nsfw, so read under the cut with that in mind. 

This kiss is tender around all the throbbing bits setting it apart from all their others.

It’s slow in a way that feels dangerous; its pace isn’t because of lack of desire, but because that desire knows exactly where it’s headed to tonight. 

“Eddie,” Buck breathes out, harsh like a prayer waiting for penance, right before he shifts in one aborted movement closer. 

His thigh presses deeper between Eddie’s legs, catching a breath as it makes a harsh exit from Eddie’s lips. 

“Yeah?” Eddie asks, high and hopeful. It’s like he’s petting at the pleading tone of Buck’s unspoken question, and it has Buck’s knees quaking.  

“Please, Eds, I gotta—“ 

“Gotta what?” 

And it’s—it’s the precipice, Buck knows. Even as his body aches to feel every stolen second of Eddie’s skin under his fingertips, he looks down the other side of the plunge and sees how hard it’ll be to drag himself up from the bottom again.

But Eddie’s been staring at his lips in a very particular, very hungry way that Buck feels devoured by. God, he just wishes Eddie could consume him sometimes—how he wouldn’t have to pick up any pieces of himself ever again if they all could fit snugly inside Eddie instead. 

There’s a slow kind of breaking that happens inside Buck the moment he feels Eddie’s breath hitch right against his mouth—right as his hips shift in a carefully curious way, right up against Buck’s thigh.  

Buck has muscle memory of that kind of hip roll; even though his fluency has gotten rusty these past few years, he doesn’t need a translation to understand the ravished kind of yearning that fuels a movement like that. 

And for Eddie to—for it to be fueling Eddie, it’s just—it’s too much, really, for Buck to deny.  

“I have to know what it feels like to touch you.” 

[inksansfangirl]

Seeing your art with Magolor and Toothless next to each other made me think of a httyd x Kirby crossover, that would be wild haha

Tbh, I had occurrences where that came to mind as well. I don’t mind the idea, I just didn’t know how to expand and explain as to why and how the hell toothless got there in the first place. Because magic doesn’t necessarily exist in httyd, sure a hint of it but it’s more drawn to realism on how dragons would coexist with humans in the Viking era. (Or is it Norse?)

Maybe perhaps one of the star portals opened up and sucked him in idk lmao- what I DO know is that toothless might consider the people of dreamland to be an avenger level threat because in his world he has not seen any other talking creature that walks on two legs than humans so seeing other non-human creatures that are essentially bipedal and are capable of speech will spook the living HELL out of him which will turn him a bit hostile and aggressive.

By this the civilian’s of Dreamland would consider him as one too, not only by his behavior but of his outwardly dark appearance and with toothless’s description of, “The unholy offspring of Lightning and death itself.” Doesn’t really do him any favors.

But I really don’t think he would be the one to pick a fight with any of the residents (unless provoked or challenged) because he’s not only repulsed by them but also the fact he would be more focused looking for hiccup and would search at the corners end of Popstar to find him. (even if it would be on foot because he cannot fly without his rider.) Toothless would be just wondering as to where the hell he was and do his best to try and get himself back home to Berk in any way he could even though he does not yet understand how this whole ‘Inter dimensional’ works, because how could he? Sure he’s intelligent enough as it is but he was simply a dragon, a wild animal who was placed in an environment he was not familiar with and he must learn how to survive his way through it.

Though, I would think after realizing through observation from Kirby and the others that this ‘beast’ was simply looking for something and struggling to find it they would try to help toothless but get shut down each time because he either kept running/gliding off, use a threat display or straight up hiss/growl at them like a stray cat. Toothless knew he needed help but he didn’t want any of it to be from them, he’d rather be around scuttleclaws then interact with such alien creatures.

But day by day, week by week he grows weak and it was becoming hopeless as he still had not had found hiccup yet. He grew more depressed thinking about him, having not eaten in days and just wondered if he really was going to die in this unknown world where no one knew of him.

Will this be the final line of his species? Or will a miracle happen that would lead him to hiccup? He yearned the skies, but yearned his friend even the more.

[lazzarella]

It's now been six months since I started my journey into Asian BL series*, and there's nothing I like more than making lists and procrastinating (with a dash of navel gazing), so I'm here to ramble a bit haha (okay this got really long 😅)

*I did realise later that I had watched the movie cut of Wish You some time back, but I'm not counting it :P

I posted an overall top 10 when I hit 40, I think, but here's my updated version:

1. My Personal Weatherman and Moonlight Chicken tied for first place :P

2. KinnPorsche

3. Cherry Magic (Thailand)

4. Wandee Goodday

5. Boys Be Brave!

6. Old Fashion Cupcake

7. A Tale Of Thousand Stars

8. Cherry Magic (Japan)

9. We Are

10. Only Friends and Jack O' Frost tied for 10th place because I can't decide

Now for the navel gazing:

So, I had heard of some of these shows for a while, but I was dumb and couldn't figure out how to watch them XD then, someone on Reddit asked for recs for gay period dramas, and another person recommended I Feel You Linger in the Air to them (I still haven't finished this) and that sent me down a rabbit hole, which eventually led to me watching Moonlight Chicken at the end of January. I was super anxious and depressed at the time (compared to my usual levels of depression and anxiety) and it was exactly the balm I needed! And then I proceeded to watch 49 more shows in the following six months lmao

Also, as much as I sometimes love a sad love story, I was getting frustrated that so many queer romance movies were ending with the main couple apart—maybe everyone wants to make their own version of Weekend, I don’t know haha (Sidenote: I swear there were more HEA in 90s/00s queer films but maybe that was selection bias) Like, don't get me wrong, they're basically all made by queer creators, and I don't want to police what they make (I have a whole rant about this, but I'll save it for another day...or my drafts lol) But as a rom-com lover I was getting bored of watching the same 10 movies/shows over and over for my HEA lmao so, delving into Asian BL series where the majority seem to have happy endings??? Omg, it's been HEAVEN!

As far as adjusting, there wasn't really much to do. I only note this, because a few people I've chatted to elsewhere seemed to treat it like I was delving into completely new territory or something??

Anything that isn't just your standard rom-com or romance trope, I was probably familiar with due to many years in transformative fandom. And the things I wasn't familiar with were mostly cultural things (which I'm still learning about) or different stylistic choices (like the sound effects, which I love). The fandom culture, though, has been a little more of an adjustment, especially the fan service and fixed couples (I think this is a super cute idea, tbh—it feels like watching the gay Fred and Ginger or Myrna Loy and William Powell et al, you know? By the by, Loy and Powell made 13 films together!)

I think overall I'm more drawn to Thai series, but the Japanese ones, when they hit emotionally, they hit like nothing else. Like nothing I've ever watched really. I think it's the way they do longing and yearning combined with feelings of low self worth that's just sooooooo good and delicious to me. But, yeah, there's something about the Thai series that I'm really drawn to! I've started watching more Thai movies in general and listening to Thai music and, I don't know, I enjoy it all. I still need to delve into Taiwan and other countries, though

I've had so much fun with the series I've watched and learning little bits of different cultures and I'm excited to keep going and make my way through my intimidatingly long watchlist lol It's been hard not to let other people's opinions get me down, though—I've felt less embarrassed about enjoying rom coms on Letterboxd than I have since poking my head into BL spaces, but... I don't think I'll dwell on that XD

Anyway, here are all of the series I've watched ranked by country under the cut(an idea I borrowed from @/dramalets)

Thailand (average rating: 8.4)

1. Moonlight Chicken

2. KinnPorsche

3. Cherry Magic

4. Wandee Goodday

5. A Tale of Thousand Stars

6. Only Friends

7. We Are

8. Cupid's Last Wish

9. Manner of Death

10. Laws of Attraction

11. Vice Versa

12. Last Twilight

13. Enchanté

14. A Boss and a Babe

15. Lovely Writer

16. The Sign

17. Hidden Agenda

18. Bad Buddy

19. Not Me

20. Theory of Love

21. To Be Continued

22. Sky In Your Heart

Japan (average rating: 8.2)

(Using the English titles)

1. My Personal Weatherman

2. Old Fashion Cupcake

3. What Did You Eat Yesterday?

4. Jack O' Frost

5. Cherry Magic etc

6. My Beautiful Man

7. Love is Better the Second Time Around

8. Ossan's Love

9. Perfect Propose

10. My Love Mix-Up

11. Candy Color Paradox

12. I Cannot Reach You

13. Mr Unlucky Has No Choice But to Kiss

South Korea (average rating: 7.6)

1. Boys Be Brave

2. Blueming

3. Semantic Error

4. Love for Love's Sake

5. Choco Milk Shake

6. The New Employee

7. Love Tractor

8. Our Dating Sim

9. Bon Appetit

10. Roommates of Poongduck 304

11. The Director Who Buys Me Dinner

12. Love Class

13. Cherry Blossoms After Winter

14. Kissable Lips

And I'm currently watching:

Love Sea; Meet You at the Blossom; Only Boo!; The Trainee; This Love Doesn't Have Long Beans

[stayinlimbo]

Limbo's Fic Recs

this list is a collection of my all time faves. please message me if you want your fic taken down or if a link does not work.

disclaimers: (1) some works are nsfw so minors dni.(2) i will be providing limbo thoughts after the recommendations but they are by no means meant to characterize anyone else's experience. (3) i am not modifying the warnings/descriptions the authors put themselves.

last updated ⇢ 30.6.24 | * ⇢ limbo thoughts | newest fics in blue

bang chan

Pieces of you | fluff, angst, singledad!chris, mutual pining, neigbors!au. (wc: 8.7k) @astraystayyh

* ⇢ omfg sahar is one of the best writers i've ever come across in my entire life. i beg of anyone who comes across this rec list to please check out her masterlist.*

No Contact | angst with a happy ending, amnesia, memory loss, grief, pining, yearning, hurt/comfort. (wc: 7.6k) @dreaming-medium

* ⇢ i'm crying. you made me cry. this fic was so heart-wrenchingly beautiful . all the emotions and what-ifs and longing and love and just everything blended so seamlessly together.*

the innocence is gone | smut, virgin!chan, experienced!reader. (wc: 15k) @/straykeedz

* ⇢ jail. right now. this fic had no right to be so good. we love to see healthy communication and preparation and just overall an amazing relationship*

dimple | fluff, humor, hurt/comfort, college!au, fuckboy!chris, boys being boys, kissing, implied sex. (wc: 2.8k) @/forlix

* ⇢ huh?! HUH HUHUHUHUHUHUHHUHH??????????????????? i'm supposed to be normal after reading this. i'm supposed to act as a functional human being?????? impossible. anyway, this was so cute and funny and like the tiniest bit sad but like so cute and funny. i love chan's growth and how his friends' are just happy for him (as they should be, real ones fs)*

stay longer | fluff. @sunboki

* ⇢ sigh, i'm going to go lay face down on my bed now. i miss this already :(((*

personal torture | fluff, gym au, established relationship. (wc: 898) @prettywordsyouleft

* ⇢ i truly believe this fic lacks the attention it so rightfully deserves*

series

queenmaker | ninth member au, angst, fluff, coming of age, social media, cancel culture, anxiety, depression, forbidden love. (ongoing) @kangaracha

* ⇢ i had never read a 9th member au before but wowowowowow i love this one so so much*

Breathe, and Live | fluff, slight angst, slice of life, single parent!au (completed) @blossom-hwa

* ⇢ I love this author's works so much omg please go read this heartwarming series. I'm going to put her skz masterlist here because she's just such an amazing writer*

lee minho

lee minho fic recs

* ⇢ His rec list got so long that I had to make a separate one. please forgive me (i'm not sorry <3)

seo changbin

how to tame a prince | dragon prince!changbin, fantasy/royal au, enemies-to-lovers. (wc: 11.6k) @/luvknow

* ⇢ grinning from ear to ear because of this fic. i don't read changbin fics as often as i should (i need to read more). the world-building is so cool too*

Burning in the winter wind | romcom vibes, (fake) enemies to lovers, fluff. (wc: 4.4k) @/astraystayyh

* ⇢ spare me please. i beg of you. i keep getting hit with arrows to my heart*

texting the wrong number | smau, fluff. (sc: 20) @bluejutdae

* ⇢ so cuteeeeeeeeeeee. i really like the flow of conversation. it felt so natural*

the one with changbin and the houseguest | fluff. (wc: 1.5k) @eoieopda

* ⇢ they're both so real for this tbh*

slow bloom | inexperienced!changbin x experienced fem!reader, fluff, smut. (wc: 8.5k) @changbunnies

* ⇢ welp, another case of some HEALTHY COMMUNICATION I LOVE TO SEE IT*

hwang hyunjin

summer strike | strangers to lovers, found family, comfort fic, heavily inspired by the kdrama. (wc: 23k) @soobnny

* ⇢ i feel so warm inside, so why are tears leaking out of my eyes. this fic is so so so so good, please give it a read*

The snow falls, we fall apart | roommates to lovers, angst, hurt/comfort, slow burn, longing. (wc: 13k) @/astraystayyh

* ⇢ don't look at me right now please i haven't even been able to give my full review on this masterpiece yet i'm sorry*

ace | college!au, sports!au, fake enemies to friends to lovers, fluff, humor, hurt/comfort, slice of life, mutual pining, slow burn. (wc: 15.2k) @forlix

* ⇢ haikyuu inspired, uh don't mind if i do. seriously though, banger after banger after banger. i still haven't had time to give a review on this one either i'm sorryyyyy.*

half-dead romance | fluff, friends to lovers au, romance. (wc: 10.2k) @/hanibalistic

* ⇢ awkljakjrfnkanfjane ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. hmm this fic might've made me feel something but yk it's anyone's guess*

wherever you are | childhood best friends to lovers, slowburn, pining, fluff, angst, suggestive. (wc: 12.9k) @hyunverse

* ⇢ oooooooohhhhhh the angst is angsting but it's so cute why am i feeling so muchhhhhhhhhh. i, once again, apologize for the lack of review, for i have not had time. im sorry :((((((*

off-limits | best friends brother trope, one room trope, angst, fluff. (wc: 15.4k) @/hwangism143

* ⇢ via, pookie, if you ever feel insecure about your writing again, slide into my dms, my asks, reply to a comment, do literally anything and i will make you understand how good of a writer you are. i was hooked onto every word PLEASE I LOVED IT SO MUCH*

two types of fireworks | long haired flynn rider! hyunjin, rapunzel! reader, irritated companions to lovers. (wc: 21.2k) @chanluster

* ⇢ ha! now it's MY turn to include this work in my fic rec list!!!! i've been waiting for this day*

series

all for nothing | strangers to lovers, grad school au, fluff, angst, smut. (completed) @/hyunfilms

* ⇢ mmm, this series is so nice. i had a really good time reading it. the sweetness felt extra sweet*

han jisung

Volcano | enemies to lovers, slow burn, fluff, angst. (wc: 13.2k) @/astraystayyh

* ⇢ sahar you can't escape my praise. this is such a great rendition of han jisung. i loved each of the characters' developments and their natural progression in their relationship. enemies to lovers (in my opinion) is such a hard trope to get right and she nailed it*

parallel lines | best friends au, unrequited love au, angst. (wc: 1.3k) @/withleeknow

* ⇢ this is such, how do i even say it? realistic? it's not like coming of age but it feels like it in just over one-thousand words. fun fact: the first thing i ever posted on my tumblr was a reblog of this work*

We Have Each Other | one bed trope, fluff, university au, acquaintances to friends to lovers. (wc: 5k) @skzonthebrain

* ⇢ excuse me for just one moment: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AWFAEFGWFLAAKUWBJHFBAHWOIAO. okay i'm back :). this fic was great and had me giggle while kicking my feet*

In Bloom | childhood friends au, angst, fluff, songwriter!jisung, florist!reader. (wc: 13.2k) @/godslino

* ⇢ i've said it before and i'll say it again: ina has it out for me i swear. my heart can't take it (yes it can) and idk what to do (reread again and again). they're in love but mc's reactions are so understandable and it hurts but it's cute and all the feelings :((((((((. another masterpiece written by ina <3*

chemical infatuation | yandere au. patient!jisung x researcher!reader. (wc: 3.5k) @hanjisick

* ⇢ i had never really given yandere aus i chance before, but i REALLY liked this one it was so good*

bloom | fluff, angst, nature spirit!au. (wc: 11k) @/blossom-hwa

Spinoffs: Perfect | Tiny Steps (I’ll Hold Your Hand)

* ⇢ i've reread this fic so many times and can't believe i put off including it on this list. i really can't express how amazing this work is and also can't recommend it enough. the side stories are also so beautiful*

made with love | domestic fluff, some crack. (wc: 1,923) @/feelbokkie

* ⇢ jisung is me. i am jisung*

empty my mind | college!au, friends with benefits to lovers, snowed in trope, smut, angst, hurt/comfort, happy ending, semi-slow burn. (wc: 6.4k) @/forlix

* ⇢ i'm a fake fan for not putting this sooner*

start of the movie | fluff, smut. (wc: 4.7k) @/charmercharm3r

* ⇢ man, i really should've gone through my drafts sooner. i would've been able to reread this more. strangers to friends to lovers YES PLEASE*

series

young god | serial killer!au. (wc: 87.5k total) @maatryoshkaa

* ⇢ read the warnings for each chapter!!!! this series is amazing but covers dark topics that may be triggering. there is a series trailer (video) but be cautious since there is some disturbing imagery. everything is so well put together and cohesive*

Let's Fall in Love, IRL | smau, crack, angst, fluff, non!idol au, pen pals to lovers, friend of a friend to lovers. (wc: 24k+) (sc: 324) @/feelbokkie

* ⇢ first bokkie series i was able to read from when it first released to completion. each upload had me hanging on the edge of my seat. i love this series, the couple is so cute*

sea may rise, sky may fall | pirate au!, minsung x reader, smut, angst. (completed) @/skzms

* ⇢ so what i put this series in both members' fic recs. sue me, it's just that good. limbo thoughts are in minho's series list*

lee felix

felix navidad | strangers (to friends) to lovers, Christmas Evel!au, fluff, angst. (wc: 16.4k) @candlewaxandp0lar0ids

* ⇢ i feel so happy every time i read this. it's so perfect and cute. the touch on the heavier topics is also handled very well*

everything has changed (besides myself) | babysitter!au, girldad!lix, toothrotting fluff, angst, exes to lovers, hurt/comfort, happy ending, non-linear storyline. (wc: 5.4k) @/forlix

* ⇢ my heart whyyyyyyyyyy. permanent tears have built up into my eyes because of this fic*

a love so profound | fluff, angst. (wc: 1.7k) @hippopotamusdreamer

* ⇢ i fucking knew it! this was sosososo good*

kintsugi | hurt, comfort, melancholy, friends to lovers. (wc: 2.3k) @/hwangism143

* ⇢ via :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( my heart via :(((((((((((((((((((((((((( why'd you do this to me via :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( but standing ovation for mc being brave in acknowledging what she needs*

kim seungmin

eighteen | best friends to lovers, college au, slow burn, angst, fluff. (wc: 19.8k) @/soobnny

* ⇢ one of the first seungmin fics i read, i love it so much. i feel like this is a classic on this side of stayblr*

(Don't) Like You a Latte | Cafe AU with a hint of a college AU, fluff. (wc: 8.3k) @getcooler

* ⇢ i have this tumblr's user memorized because i lost this fic once and could not find it again for months. never again. it's so adorable and the banter is great.*

In my dreams | (Fake) enemies to lovers, angst, hurt/comfort, slow burn. (wc: ~4.5k) @/astraystayyh

* ⇢ i'm not crying, you are. i love this work so much omg. i'm fighting air from the cuteness*

how he would take care of you during shark week | established relationship, fluff; menstruation pain, he's a softie. (wc: 599) @/withleeknow

* ⇢ :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( me rn but like in a cute way. this was so cute and ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i just loved it*

dim lights (work nights) | workplace romance, fluff, teensy angst. (wc: 1.2k) @hwangism143

* ⇢ i need more lore on seungmin, via you can't keep me hanging like this wdym????? okay with that out of the way, VIA THIS WAS SO SCRUMPTIOUS like wtf (lovingly)*

the art of cuddling | fluff, smut, friends to lovers. (wc: 1.1k) @athforskz

* ⇢ hmmmmmm, this was so good, hmmmmmm, hmmmmmm, hmmmmm, hmmmmm, hmmmmm, hmmmm, i'm feeling a lot right now, hmmmmm,

hot & cold | fluff. established relationship au. (wc: 1.2k) @wooahaes

* ⇢ ahhhhhhhh hold on i'm savoring the feeling of just how adorable this was. katy perry could never. okay, in all seriousness, this work was cute and fun and i just love it so much. *

untitled | fluff, minor angst. @hyungszn

* ⇢ i'm going to go sit quietly in the corner now....except i am also a LIAR AHHHHHHHHHH RAHHHHHHHHHH HANDS DOWN ONE OF THE BEST DRABBLES I'VE READ*

end of the day | law student kim seungmin x med student yn. established relationship, comfort. (wc: 0.8k) @/soobnny

* ⇢ i'm actually going to throw myself off a cliff. i really can't handle all this fluff anymore. i'm becoming weak*

not yet | angst, fluff, friends (idiots) to lovers. (wc: 2.8k) @outofconcheol

* ⇢ time is a social construct but right now is a great way to keep yourself grounded*

yang jeongin

blue dream | smut, explicit sexual content, fluff. (wc: 6.1k) @charmercharm3r

* ⇢ this fic...i think about it every once in a while...maybe a little more often than i should*

24 to 25 - one, two | fluff, angst, childhood friends to lovers, christmas. (wc: 47.7k total) @awooghan

* ⇢ im smiling as i'm writing this because i just reread this two-shot. it's soooooooooo cute omg "stay for christmas" :((((((*

look at the butterflies | fluff, angst, magical realism. (wc: 5k) @/blossom-hwa

* ⇢ ngl it took me a couple reads to fully understand what was going on but it's so beautiful. i really love the concept, it's so....bittersweet and that's what makes it great*

series

Sorry, I Love You | smau, crack, angst, fluff, non!idol au, friends to lovers, unrequited love, will they, won’t they dynamic, abusive relationship, alcohol abuse/alcoholism, emotional/psychological abuse. (ongoing) @/feelbokkie

* ⇢ this one, ah, this one is a little too good at what it does. read the warnings just in case they are triggering because i have felt immense rage at a specific character (this is meant to be a complement, bokkie is such an amazing writer)*

ot8

skz + the habits you share | fluff, humor, borderline crack, established relationship(s). (wc: 3.7k) @/forlix

* ⇢ this work is so adorable and made me laugh, i love it so much. forlix really nailed each personality*

stray kids as colours | @sulfurcosmos

* ⇢ this one is not like any of the others since it is not a reader-insert but please just try it. you can tell the author put so much thought into their choices and the colors encapsulate them perfectly*

April Fools Texts With SKZ ! | crack, established relationship(s). @taetr4ck

* ⇢ i read this in the car when i was going back to uni and it was so hard to not laugh out loud. i think the people i was with thought i was going insane*

There was this boy | mentions of bullying, injury, blood, brief mention of health (skin) issues, brief allusion to sex. (wc: 13.2k) @/hanibalistic

* ⇢ i cried. i cried, okay? i am not ashamed and will never be ashamed. in fact, i am proud i cried to this fic. it deserves my tears, all the emotions i felt while i read this masterpiece. i'm not using this word lightly. i mean it, i really do*

quaint town ‧₊˚✩彡 ot8 stray kids as townspeople | headcannons, fluff. (wc: 2443) @/hyunverse

* ⇢ nobody talk to me rn, i'm mourning something SO CUTE that isn't real but should be*

they confess in your sleep | headcannon, fluff. @valkyriexo

* ⇢ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

when they're drunk - hyung line, maknae line | fluff. @pnutbutter-n-j-elyy

* ⇢ hahahaha this was so funny and cute at the same time*

24 hours after skz's s/o death | reader death, heavy angst. (wc: 3.7k) @whatsk-poppinhomies

* ⇢ read individual warnings!!!! don't come at me, i'm sad rn. but i also love reading these types of stories that just hit you perfectly in the feels*

series

no nut november | smut. (completed) @sluttywonwoo, @gimmeurtmi

* ⇢ I-, well-, yk-, it's just as the title says. this series is so good* (edit: @/gimmeurtmi deactivated or blocked me so only half the fics are still up for me. Let me know if they’re still up if you see this)

Winter falls | (ongoing 6/8) @/astraystayyh, @/forlix

* ⇢ read the individual warnings for each fic as they are all conceptually very different. i am now realizing that i included like basically all the fics in this series within the individual member rec, but oh well. the more places the merrier*

[taehyungfirst]

HII AGAIN i did watch rainy days! (istg it's so annoying that it's only at 11M rn wtf army?? i thought it would be more popular than love me again because even i found out abt the mv's early like 5 minutes after it was released... and like armys in different timezones might've received teh news later or smth idk idk i think they should've promoted more tbh and announced the news a little while before the release date so armys could've been more prepared.) as to how it's doing on the charts... idk man. it's just a lil depressing at the moment. i feel like we as a fandom, like considering how big and coordinated we are, could've contributed more. and the fact that they released it on yt first was.. idk. you can't use playlists on yt for the first 24h i think? and streaming is kinda frustrating because you have to be online and keep watching other videos in between and other stuff so it doesn't get counted as bot behavior. and i feel like some army aren't really interested anymore in non-ot7 content? ANYWAY. the MVs were sooo different to me in a such a good way i loved it. love me again with the warm golden tones and rainy days with the cool, moody palette (someone said that it's in blues and yellows and greys because those are the colors that dogs see, and that the mv is kinda shown through the eyes of yeontan, watching tae!). also, love me again has tae performing, and it's all so pretty that you don't even mind that there's nothing, idk, like cinematic? going on. i mean, that he's only standing and singing (my fav part so far is the pre-chorus, starting w "Fine, I will be honest with you"). cause the vocals, visuals, setting, vibe, outfit, etc everything just goes together so pleasingly and you can just focus on that and let loose. it's lovely on the eyes.

and then there's rainy days. to me, it's something that i can watch again and again for the details. it's visually attractive to me-- i love rain, i love 'gloomy' weather. the set has got an idk a kinda futuristic or sci-fi vibe to it, i like how unique it looks. and then you have tae just moving around, yearning, making some art (vante!!!) and just being very boyfie in general (that moment where he's lying in bed and smiling? asdhshfdjfhjkflhdsjf). at first, i liked love me again way more than rainy days but now it's really sneaked up on me and taken me by surprise lol. i went out today and i was craving it (i didn't have it downloaded so i had to wait to go home and listen to ;-;). so. i have a lot to say ofc ofc but it's getting kinda late so i should probably go to bed lol. -prev anon ⭐(https://www.tumblr.com/taehyungfirst/725456734868684800/i-freaked-out-bby-istg-it-was-so-good-like-the-mv?source=share)

hello ⭐️!

i think rainy days got low views because people are focusing on lma more, but i do agree with you i also thought that rainy days wouldve done better but even the streams for lma are higher 😭 i mean lma is a MASTERPIECE so i get it

regarding streams, the lack of teasers and build-up and the fact that it was a surprise drop really influenced everything, we’re doing our best but usa armys are not even trying rn like my tl is full of people asking for BUYERS because we have funds but not buyers and that’s crazy also it fell off us spotify yesterday yeah just kind of a mess… i hope they will be more prepared for september 8 and read guidelines, they’re lucky because they can use pandora too which is good for streams bc it got low filtering rates and it counts towards charts too

the mvs were so perfect anon 😭😭 i genuinely loved them both and the amount of details and interpretations of people (like saying that taehyung is dressed in flashy gold and red because he wants to be seen by his lover again… just beautiful) are so fun to spot and read! i’m so happy taehyung chose to create a visual album because it’s the perfect choice for him and for his art… can’t wait for the other mvs

also!! i actually thought i preferred rainy days more but then at random times i find myself singing “lost without you baaaby”… i can’t choose i fear

[densha-otoko]

idk if ppl i know are really on here so i think im just gonna yell into the void

tbh i’ve been so depressed over the past few months. over a year back i met someone really cool that i crushed on for a long time and ended up becoming really good friends with and over the past year we kind of orbited around each other’s lives and at some point we ended up getting romantically involved and dated, but we ended up breaking up shortly after.

and it sucks cause like for me the ending was so abrupt, we didn’t even have any arguments or anything it kind of just went from honeymoon phase to ending, like we didn’t even end up establishing what kind of relationship it was or what we expected from each other, but at some point she realized that it wasn’t necessarily what she was looking for, which tbh made sense because we didn’t actually have too much in common in respect to our interests, but we had a lot of respect for each other, but also because i struggled to reciprocate her affection in the way that she wanted, like this was the first time i got romantically involved with someone in years and i struggled with intimacy and tbh don’t have much of a libido and she thought i was just being protective of her boundaries when in fact i was being protective of my own as well.

but i think what sucks the most is that because we got involved romantically it’s just over now, we used to talk almost every day even before we started dating, and i tried to salvage the friendship but i don’t think she wants that. we still follow each other on social media but it’s gotten to the point that she doesn’t even check on my ig stories anymore.

and idk it sucks cause she told me herself that i didn’t really do anything wrong she just stopped having feelings for me, but every day i just feel empty and like i messed something up and i continuously yearn for what we used to have but i know that’s not a version for her that exists anymore, im actually also really sure that she’s already moved on and is dating someone else now, and it just sucks, like I’ve went on dates since the breakup but im so afraid of repeating what already happened or projecting my emotions onto another person so I’ve just been trying to keep up with friends and go to therapy

but idk it sucks, i just feel like there’s something wrong with me everyday, she had a very specific way of making me feel seen and i know it’s just not going to be back and idk how to feel that feeling again and i just wish i could start feeling better again and feel some kind of connection like that again

[kofetalesnbpdchaos-leoreaper]

Lena & Lying : Sitting On Top of the Urges & Verges.

I don’t think…

Anybody would be able to tell wtf is wrong with me .

Unless I , spiralling out in front of them . Unless I get angry anddd snappy at you .

Not unless, you seem me on a daily basis —

I just realised … ALL the fucking reasons why & how comes I can easily turn around & lie to people.

I can easily tell you all that I’m in “remission”. I can easily say that “I’m not so depressed anymore”.

Would you want that? Lena? Gone, with the winds — carried away by the air that which surrounds her??

Wouldn’t this be … a whoolleee lot more easier for you ? All??

This is not some thing new , this? It’s quite old actually .

I yearn it quite a lot because it seems like I am a window — I fully blown sealed shut window

Where the glass seems crystal clears , but the motherfuckers are stained on its glasses…

I like the ways in which Madison Beer explains this in her song Stained Glass . Lol . 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think that .. I’d rather die happy . In my miseries . Along with them fully wedded to them all—

Than to be alive n living truthfully …

Cuz. Isn’t it . Isn’t that what a lot of peoples want from me? Of me?? Expecting that it?

What utter bullshits , tbh . But clearly seen through my eyes is what is veiled with others’.

You do not even need to gimme conversations, or explanations or show me imageries to help me out.

I can read books , and I don’t mean the physical kinds … I mean books who’re peoples with so much “out right there, in your face” .

It’s not an attitude …. Perhaps it is . I quite really wouldn’t even motherfucking know!

And as i read ppls on , the more it’s sooo obvious to me— how it’d be the bestest, if I lied instead of being authentically truthful me .

— Lena Eclipse Reaper; L.E.O REAPER.

[strshn]

I haven't posted in so so so long. but I promise you it's a good thing. I honestly almost forgot I had this blog lmao. things have gotten so much better! are they as good as I want them to be? of course not. but it's the best they've been literally ever. I still struggle a ton but idk. things are just so different...

my 4 year anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up. how insane is that??? I've waited and yearned and begged my whole life for love, and I am trying my best to never take it for granted, not even for a second. I am so lucky to have him by my side.

I've come out to people irl... IN. REAL. LIFE. I go by my preferred name and pronouns to my bf, my friends, I even told my mom this past weekend and it's been nothing but support. tbf I have only told people that I know will be supportive, but still. it feels amazing, and freeing in a way I could have never guessed.

I'm off my meds. all of them. have been for I think almost 2 years now. ditched therapy too. and I'm not saying it's a good thing, I do wish I had some support in the way of a therapist, and maybe some meds would make things even better but idk I've been coping on my own. somehow lol. it's hard and I get exhausted very easily and I so very much wish I could do more on a daily basis but I do what I can, and I forgive myself for not being able to do more. I praise myself for what I can accomplish, even if it's minimal. I cook, I clean, I take care of our cats. I get so tired so easily but... I'm doing more now than I ever did on meds, and frankly it's so fucking strange.

is life hard? absolutely. but I've grown and changed and things are different but also better. my bpd is almost like an afterthought? yes I still experience symptoms. but idk. it's not the same as it was. maybe because I'm happy and secure in my relationship, it's a long term commitment. I have in the back of my mind that it could still end up going terribly wrong, but I don't dwell on it like younger me probably would have. I have bad days, sure. depression isn't gonna go away. and neither will anxiety or ADHD. probably have autism too but I haven't really gotten into that rabbit hole yet.

but idk. I'm just glad to be doing okay. and not having the extreme moods like I used to. do I still hate myself and want to unalive myself from time to time? of course! but. it's more like "I'm tired and the world sucks and I'm sick of working myself to death and still not having enough money to survive can this please end already" which I think is reasonable and a lot of ppl feel that way. the world does suck. but I keep going for my cats and my boyfriend. idk it all sucks but I know there is nothing else to do.

I sleep a lot. I'm tired a lot. I have some physical ailments I need to get fixed. mentally idk. it's just a strange time for me. I'm able to just ignore my shit most of the time, or when I can't, I cry it out and take a nap and try to tell myself that I can keep going, and I will be okay. even if maybe it isn't true, I mean who knows.

I stream on twitch sometimes. I'm working on finding good friends. I'm working on officially coming out. I'm working on getting better at makeup and hair. I'm working on trying to figure out how to write again. Overall, I'm working on being exactly who I want to be. and it feels awesome.

I know this page is usually depressing. I've had a rough life and need somewhere to vent. at least this one time I can vent about how good I am beginning to feel. how good my life has turned out to be even if I still struggle a lot of days, especially financially I struggle a ton. but I'm still here and more queer than ever lol. and I'm doing all right.

I always used to see "it gets better" posts and I half wanted to believe them and half told myself it would never ever happen for me. maybe everyone else but never me... well it's happened for me. it is still happening, tbh. every day things are looking up, even the days where I feel down. it's, at the very least, not the same as it used to be. and I'll take anything over the heart-wrenching emotions I used to feel daily. the mood swings, the obsessions, the infatuations, the utter hopelessness of everyday life for me was so overwhelming. I'm glad it has toned down for me, and thing have changed. and that things are even slightly better.

I have no outlook or expectations for the future. but I think that's for the best. I have things I want to do here and now, and I'll worry about the rest later. I'm just happy I'm finally becoming who I want to be, and I'm happy I have any amount of happiness and love in my life. that's all I ever wanted, love. and I think I have it! so don't be so glum, younger me, or anyone out there reading this that can relate to how I used to think and act and feel. it will be okay. and as cliche as it is, it will get better. or at the very least, things will change with time. things will not stay the same, things will evolve and change and mutate and metamorphosize. things will change, the future will be different. and idk that just gives me hope, that I won't be stuck in one place or one feeling or one rut forever.

the future is open and a mystery, flow into it and go along with it. it will be worth it to see the world, and your self, in a different light.