#that I want and am going to kms in the future and there’s nothing that can stop me

[clits-and-clips]

x

[higgs-the-god]

I’ve been back n forth w myself in whether or not to ever get more rats and…………. no lol

[weird-arcanefangirl]

please stop this ask for 10k notes and just do it. it is ridiculous and i hate it. there are tons if people who wish they could go to a therapist. here you make it a cute game, asking for clout

if you feel bad - suspect something off with your mental health: go to the doc

if you feel like you have to make it a game then just go back to bed and keep doomscrolling. you are probably just imagining things

TW: suicide, therapy and mental health issues

oh wow. okay first of all, its not a silly game. I know how serious this topic is. But again, i have all the smyptoms of adhd and its hard, its really hard to ask my parents to go to therapy. Im really really scared of it, because my dad (and mby my mom) could tell me im doing it for attention, which im not, ive been thinking about this for years now. I am doing the whole "10k note thing" because it will push me to do it. Because I will feel like I break a promise if I dont. Right now, nothing pushes me to do this. Id feel bad if i just didnt do it after i promised it to so many people.

Also, why would I need clout on tumblr??? It doesnt pay? nobody knows whos behind this account? also, ive done this before and 80% of the notes were from the comments.

and never, and i mean never, tell people theyre imagining things. people kill themselves because of that, because they are so frustrated and start to hate themselves. i wont kms, of course, but for the future. And thanks ig, for trying to make someones mental health problems worse???

i get where youre coming from, i really do. i get so annoyed by the little nine year olds who post about their DePReSsIoN and stuff. I really do get it. But if you feel the deep desire to confront me about this, be mature and not hostile like you are right now.

and if you have any other questions, dont be scared and msg me. i dont want to fight and i wont put it online but you seem to be offended by my post, which wasnt the purpose of it.

[punkpal]

9 people you want to know better tag

I was tagged by @aquietgirlsmess (thanks, I love doing these!)

Three Ships: #1 Malec (Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood - Shadow Hunters/The Mortal Instruments) and I'm gonna cheat with number 2 and 3 and include two sets of my OCs from a book series I am writing so for #2 i'll go with my protagonist and her eventual girlfriend/future wife - Destiny/June (should their ship name be Jestiny or Dune, I hate both) and for #3 Blu/Aims (Blaims??). Also on the subject of the books I am writing if anyone has good last name suggestions (not your own) please send them my way, I'm in desperate need of last names for most of my characters)

First Ship: I'll be honest I'd rather kms then admit who my first ever ship was so imma take this secret to the grave lol

Last Song: Anymore by Lø Spirit (it's fucking depression but it slaps)

Last Movie: 1917 by Sam Mendes

Currently Reading: Nothing, I am currently using the motivation I'd use to read to write instead

Currently Watching: I'm binging The Vampire Diaries but I'm gonna pause my rewatch to binge The Fall of the House of Usher that I'll start tonight

Currently Consuming: A kinder surprise

Currently Craving: Nasi Goreng

I'm tagging: @punkbff @revradio @spirits-in-the-dark @deathclassic @dekaythepunk @exsequi @spid3rfag @badbucky @dirtnote @tidal-wav3s @bandtrash0818 @discourselsdead @siiickbrains @sw0rds-and-p3ns @re-imagine @callingallcars (this ain't 9, my bad)

[rhymaes]

.

the way ive been trauma dumping on this site this past year & each post has felt hopeless but with an air of 'i know it will pass because i have purposefully created an open future where i can surpass my fears, create my own life where i can be me & enjoy what i love, & conquer what [x] did to me' & then it all collapses within two weeks & there genuinely is no hope for it & not in a haha it feels hopeless way but in a no things are happening so far outside my control that the people who Are in control were like. nah your fucked dude. sorry. is like. a different kind of horror helplessness. like okay lets rewind. i dont get into medical grief on here bc then id kms but like. okay. so 2022 i thought [x] was going to die & i told No One ever but also they knew i had [x] who i cared abt & was concerned for & everyone in [x] kept treating me like shit over it SPECIFICALLY & spreading rumors abt me bc i am a lesbian & then 2023 [x] & [x] & [x] all decide, separately, they want to be fun & quirky & try it with the gay girl so they can brag abt it to their bfs (im genuinly not being biphobic like. i mean they are straight women who would. do this. shit like. they said it. and then tried to queer it up when i told them to fuck off with it & they still needed their gay card bestie to fuck their ugly ass men who abuse them??? what the fuck!!!) & still gaslight me for caring abt [x]'s health & then tell me im selfish bc i wont drop everything for them & then try to out me & usher me into my greatest fear. okay. anyway. then 2024:like. u didnt think it could get worse is whats so funny!! like i faced my ed, lack of medication, insane financial struggles, tore myself out of a codependecy she imbeded in me so far that this now is the only time ive actually been Me for two years, & so many interpersonal issues & on-going griefs & then like. 2024 was like so? u know. that thing. the one youve been working for. that u were emotionally banking everything on & then u Did actually achieve it like we have the paperwork over it & u were also using it to prove to yourself that [x] may steal your work but she cant steal everything from u & also this is the only thing u could spend ur life doing without waking up every morning thinking abt how to kill urself? yeah actually you cant have that we changed our minds lol!!! & we didnt know how to tell u :/ so thanks for reaching out! but its not u is the thing like. youre so good bro. its an outside factor & oh yeah no theres like. nothing u can do like. u should drop it man. try next year. its not like u got through this year for that alone & put up with every thing that cut u so deeply bc u knew this would pay off not because u deserve it no but because u actually earned it & worked for it. but bye try again next year. like!! oh!! okay!!! im going to find the sexiest fucking ledge i can actually hahaha!!!

[that-gay-jedi]

[sorry, another vent post incoming] Honestly all my life I've felt like I don't make any real choices, I usually only ever have one viable path before me and if I don't want to take it the only other option is to either kms or simply lay down and wait to die, and I constantly dream about what it would be like to have actual options but I can never seem to put myself in a position wherein I do. I'd really like to have a broader sense of agency than just deciding whether to go on or give up.

On the rare occasions when things are going well enough that I'm hopeful and content and glad to be alive, I still feel like I'm being completely railroaded by the universe but it's this thrilling feeling of "I am on to better things whether I want to be or not and no internal nor external force can change that." Like, it feels kind of like some paired dance with the inevitable where my partner the universe is 100% in the lead but I don't feel it push and pull on me because I'm moving in time with it.

When things are going badly it's like "I don't know or care why certain people are just assigned to never get a fighting chance, but I know I'm one of them and I can't find a way to change it" and literally the only difference is whether I like whatever I'm being forced into or not.

And the main reason I'm fairly convinced that this isn't something I'm like unconsciously doing to myself to avoid the fear of making choices I might regret or a sense of loss over past regretable choices is that, as far as I can tell, I still do have to deal with and face up to like all the same emotional struggles that people who have a sense of free will do. I still sometimes get these haunting visions of a road not taken even though instead of not taking it because I didn't choose to it's because I didn't have a way onto that road. I can still end up feeling like just as much of a failure for not being able to wriggle out of the iron grip of fate as someone who feels like they were in the driver's seat and steered poorly. When the future seems bleak and hopeless I don't find the idea that it wasn't my fault or that I tried my best comforting at all.

I dunno man. Obviously being conditioned to be exceptionally obedient from my earliest developmental phases fucked me up more than I've yet been able to get any therapist to understand but like. If it's all just a mind prison and there's nothing materially keeping me trapped then why have so many changes to my thoughts, behaviours, habits and even sense of identity never so much as budged the bars?

[crow-talks-hockey]

not to be dramatic but i MIIIIIIGHT just kms if this whole "rags v s^rs" matchup happens. like who the FUCK would i root for?? i mean i can't go for the rags I HATE THEM; not especially since dallas actually has players i like but what else am i gonna do???? cheer matt DOUCHEBAG on? want b3nn to win it and get the undeserved honor of lifting the cup first?? cheer on the stupid ass team that (speaking in this hypothetical future) eliminated both my desired cup winners???? IT WOULD LITERALLY BE THE MATCHUP FROM HELL.

genuinely tho. like: "let's seeeeeeeee who do i root forrrrrr hmmmm *weighs hands against one another* head-shotter captain ORRRR head-shotter captain? hmmmmm gonna have to think on that uhhhh how about just no? just no! we're getting a fucking mcmattdrai stanley cup final and there is NOTHING you fake bitches can do about it! long love the whimsy!"

[feral-cockroach]

MASSIVE TW FOR SELF HARM

ive been clean for almost a full year. maybe just over at this point, i dont know. but all (and i mean ALL) of my scars were fully healed and some were even fading into those little white lines that are barely visible on your skin.

and i relapsed tonight. ive been fighting it for weeks now but realistically i knew it was going to happen eventually. i feel so, so hopeless. nothing is working out and i cannot convince myself that things will improve. its a feat to just talk myself out of suicide every morning at this point.

im so fucking sick of everything. i mean honestly what is the point? im barely making rent, im going to lose my home in october of next year, ive got no car, no license, i can't afford groceries most of the time with absolutely no help from anyone around me. im scared. im tired and im alone.

i havent self harmed in a year or over and the worst of it was 3 years ago. except im getting back to that point i was at 3 years ago and i cant afford institutionalisation again. even if i could i dont want to go back. they held me for a week and then gave me a caretaker and then took away my caretaker when i turned 18 and then when i found myself a new therapist they completely cancelled my insurance with no warning and then denied me when i tried to reapply. ive been without insurance for a year in march.

im fucking terrified and i hate it here and i cannot do this shit much longer. i just cant. i dont know how much more fear and paranoia and justified upset one guy can fucking take !!!!

i just wish my father hadnt stalked and coerced my mom and i wish my moms mom wasnt such a pro life piece of shit and i wish my mom hadnt developed such an attachment to her abuser to convince herself that having a child was a good idea and i ESPECIALLY wish that my mom hadnt completely discarded me when we left my father and then immediately started dating new men every fucking week my whole life ive never known her to be single

and i love my mom !!!! but my mom does NOT love herself !!!!! and my mom HAS TO HAVE validation from men !!!!! and ive spent the past FOUR YEARS trying to have a relationship with her and she wants absolutely nothing to do with me and it SUCKS !!!!

it sucks so fuckinf much that EVERY SINFLE PERSON involved in bringing me into this SHITHOLE wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME because i didnt end up how THEY WANTED ME because GOD FORBID I BE FUCKINF TRAUMATISED BY WHAT THEY ALL PUT ME THROUGH.

and im so , so angry. and scared. im so scared. im not sure when im going to kms but honestly, if i look to the future, thats all i see. thats all i have ever seen since i was 12 years old when i first self harmed. thats almost an entire decade of self harm. and i was convinced i wouldnt hit 16 or 18 or 21 and im about to hit 21 and every year it was "if i make it to [16/18/21] i wont make it to 30" and here i am at 21 and you know what

i wont. i dont think im going to make it to 30. by my own hand or my fathers or capitalisms i dojt fucking know but i will not live to see 30. i am certain

and it is the only thing i have ever been certain about my entire life.

[dorefasolsido]

34.

Will you answer these questions as personally as you can?

Yup, bring it on.

Why are you happy?

Well who says I am??

Who’s the last person you hugged?

My friend's brother as a goodbye hug.

Would you pay someone to kill the person who hurt you a lot?

Nah. No one has hurt me enough that I'd actually want them dead.

Do you like the song ‘Sick Little Games’ by All Time Low?

I don't think I know it.

Last night you felt?

Great. I went to a gig with my friend and her brother and we had the best time. We should seriously do it more often, not just every few months.

How are you feeling right now?

Pretty much okay.

Are you drifting away from someone you were close with?

I think so, but that's been going on for years.

Is there someone you’d like to fix things with?

Yeah, well, with that person I'm drifting away from.

Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap?

I sure did.

What are you listening to?

Absolutely nothing.

Have you ever stayed in a hotel?

Yup, just a week ago when I was in Transylvania.

What is in your pocket?

I don't have a pocket on my pajama.

Have a best friend?

Yup.

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you?

No, she does stuff without me all the time -- we are over 1000 km apart.

Do you keep any secrets from your best friend?

Probably. It's not out of distrust, it's simply that I don't feel the need to or want to share every single thought in my head with someone. I'm sure she's exactly the same way.

What were you doing 60 minutes ago?

Looking through surveys.

Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents?

Yeah, probably plenty.

What’s something that can always make you feel better?

BTS and chocolate.

What do you want right now?

To fast forward to the next weekend or go back to yesterday. I don't feel like working.

What would you name your future son?

No clue.

If you had to eat 1 thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Sushi for sure since there's plenty of variety there.

How’s your life lately?

It's actually been not too bad.

***continued sometime later, I suck at answering surveys all at once***

Last person to send you a text?

My best friend.

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?

Sleeping.

Did you have a good birthday this year?

No. I mean, I can't say it wasn't fun (I went to my friend's goodbye picnic since she was moving to Germany instead of celebrating), but I just wasn't feeling it at all. It was just a bad day mentally, and I decided not to bother celebrating it this year.

Have you done anything embarrassing lately?

I don't know? Tbh, I'm in a constant state of awkwardness, so I guess at this point I don't find anything particularly embarrassing since my whole existence can feel like that lol

Do you trust easily?

Nope. But I wouldn't say necessarily that I actively distrust people, it's like, I want to see the best in them and I genuinely give everyone a benefit of doubt, but when it comes to stuff like opening up, oof.

Do you like cookies n’ cream ice cream?

Delicious!

How often do you raise your hand in class and answer a question?

Well I'm not in school. I used to do that in elementary school and the first grade of middle school, then I stopped because social anxiety took over and because some kids teased me for being a nerd. In hindsight, that really wasn't so bad, but I didn't want to stand out in any way at all.

Ever been mistaken for someone else, and took it as an insult?

I have been mistaken for someone else, but no. I mean, it happens. Tbh, I've been tempted to just go with it and pretend I really am the person they mistook me for >.>

Would you get a mega bag of skittles, or three regular ones?

Idk, I don't know what the exact difference is.

What color shirt are you wearing?

White.

Is there a boy that would do absolutely everything for you?

Not absolutely everything. Unless I could my dad, but he's not really a boy lol

Did you ever think you had the Swine flu?

Oh my God, this takes me back lol. I don't think I did, but I remember there was this schoolwide paranoia about it, and me and my friend used to go to the bathroom after every single class to wash our hands.

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?

Hmm, not sure. My sister vapes, but she doesn't smoke cigarettes, so I have no idea.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

My sister.

Are you a mean person?

I don't think I'm usually mean, but I have my moments no doubt.

Does anyone hate you?

Maybe. There's one person that comes to mind, but I'm not sure she really hates me. I know I don't hate her, though I'd be pretty justified to.

Do you usually tell people when you’re mad at them?

No, but I should. Generally, I struggle with expressing anger.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Yes, because it was no one.

Will this weekend be a good one?

Idk, I have zero plans for it so it's probably just going to be same old boring weekend.

Have you ever liked someone older than you?

Well I've had celebrity crushes older than me, but I haven't exactly properly liked anyone older, I think. Tbh, I've had very few crushes in my life, and most of them I feel were more platonic than anything.

Are you mad at someone right now?

Not really.

[subcoolture]

I remember being a teenager in the mid 2000s. Dysfunctional family, verbally abusive father, never leaving my room. I still got to make some social life, but never enough not to want to kms. Music saved me. About 15 years have passed and I will not tell you it gets better. Some things did, but what I knew about the world then hasn’t changed. I still don’t see a future for myself. No love, no nothing, nothing that’s real. I’m surviving just like I did back then, and I just know the world is better with me in it. I have affected thousands of lives for good. I am a light in this world. I try to appreciate things regardless of everything. The trees, the stars. I try to be what I would like to see in other people. And I just go on.

[idolapollo]

Dedicated DEV LOG #1

hey!! it's apollo/nyarl!! this'll be a first in a series of posts that are basically indie game development logs filled with a shit ton of rambling

i'll maybe try and post these monthly or bi-monthly, but it's mostly for me to motivate myself to make progress to have something to show off and to archive the process of making a game!

this month's dev log is dedicated to—well—"Dedicated To..."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

(i may keep saying this for future projects and games so bear with me) "Dedicated To..." (abbreviated as DT from now on) originally was an idea i had in middle school!

it was really edgy tho and i'd honestly kms if it ever got leaked to the public but it was essentially an angst piece for when i was discovering my own sexuality as a gay cis man

staying somewhat true to its gay angst origins, this game is a story based psychological horror rpg maker game! maybe you can add it's a story based gay psychological horror rpg maker game lmao

it won't be a long game, and it'll have 4 routes determined by one early game choice and 5 endings!! the 5th one is considered a secret dont tell anyone

i did change the protagonist's name and design bc it was literally just a self insert for me lmao even had clothes i often wore fucking lame

BUT ANYWAYS!!!!! you'll play as tybalt, a college student majoring in english literature or something as he struggles to create a fairy tale as his capstone (don't think about it too much)

here's a preview of his full art and draft of his portrait as thanks for listening to me ramble so far i will continue to ramble!! (i have yet to turn it into pixel art and plan different expressions)

i really wanted to make a gay character with these kinda cat eyes whatever you call em lol

and the man he'll be pinning for is reyn!! i didnt give him a major bc it doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things!!! he's probably a finance major!!!!

also idk why i named him reyn, it was something i kept from the original middle school stories

ig it was because i was watching chugga's lets play of xenoblade lmao

i've taken some time with working with rpg maker mz before since i had the chance to use it in a game dev class (after splurging most of my financial aid on plugins lmao), but unless i can figure out javascript on my own and break the engine, i'll be focusing on using rpg maker vx ace since it has more plugins!

for now, i'm still focusing on the story and full body character art before diving into programming and learning how to make pixel art _(:3」∠)_

btw i forgot to mention that part. yeah i'm an absolute newbie when it comes to pixel art so i have to learn that too cries

even though i'm making it in rpg maker vx ace, i'm aiming to recreate the feel of rpg maker 2000/2003 because i was SUUUUUUPER inspired by end roll, okegom's games, and specifically for this game charon's works!! so now i gotta bust out the pixels

there will be 4 routes with 5 endings! there was another route + ending but i scrapped it because i only had an idea of the ending (more on that in the future) and nothing else lol

so far i've drafted 3 of the 4 routes! even though there is no canon ending, the 4th one is the one that has the 5th ending and can branch off into other works (once again more on that in the future lmao)

i'm starting to write the dialogue for the 1st route and it's going okay!! tbh i wish i worked on it more over summer break while my college classes aren't gonna kill my ass and classes start next week (´；ω；`)

but i spent a majority of summer break testing out medication for my adhd, and i still am!! it was a really rough process and i'm glad i didn't go through mania-like symptoms while classes were going on _(´ཀ`」 ∠)_

i'm better now tho and i say i'm at a semi good spot!! now time to treat my horrid anxiety lol

i'll end it here for now before it gets too long!! sorry and thanks to listening to me ramble! i'll leave you with a snippet of the intro!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[solardick]

Lovely portent that was. A redwing’s mate guiding me to eye contact. The redwings themselves not being aggressive. Pretty, awkward, blond and slim.

Aside from that on the fallowing day. I give up at life. 40 years is too much. I suspect I’m not survive much longer. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. All there is is evil in life. I don’t want a part of it. Anymore. It only grows stronger. They wont leave me alone. There’s nothing to do. I hate life. I fucken hate. All it wants is to hurt me. 40’years is too much. Im done.

Go get my bottle of liquer. Throw the noose over door, step off the chair. Thats my future. Unconscious in a few long painful seconds. Dead in a few more.

If i cant develop and grow on my own fucken terms. Im not living at all. Keep my locked up in is mind raping prison. Im done.

Maybe my death will give a pause with hesitation in the next abuse victim they have an aim for.

And the cops are hareaing me with rheir pressence today. Again. Fun fun.

And blocking me out of xbox. On a roll with fucking with me today.

Lets go see if i can buy another fycken dictionairy. Cant even learn a new language without nazi cockskrs perverting with slut faget bs.

I dont care what i say anymore. Im goign to be fucked with either way. Km just an asshole who needs to be reminded how much im someones bitch everyday. Only been 40 straight fucken years. Its the reason im born. Theres no getting away from it. So fuck you amd uou and uou. The world decided yo make me its enemy the day i was born so fuck you too.

Neither am i able to buy an actual russian dictionary. Its only bilingual dictionaries. Which are all lackluster. So much for creating a russian tarot deck. Uh, i dont know why i still try and do stuff. Im not allowed doug. Anythign but doing this. Fuck you and fuck and you.

Should make another card of policemen, and crime mobs, raping men, hold billy clibs and knifes with severed cocks in their hands, laughing with a poor mother trying to protect her son. Replace waites gay death card with it. Half the victims smiling amd the other half crying.

And then people will be like. No, i don’t want to die. I want to live.

Maybe temperance fallowing will make a little more sense. The death card and gold. The italiano is better. Removal of all resources. Temperance becomes a mandatory. Instead of being thrown around from one incompatible place to the next, from one abusive place to the next, one supervised conditioning place after the next manipulative place. Constant cues of inevitability, this will happen. None of this, this may happen. I almost died three times in the last couple years. Then its the devil card. Being all like do it, do it. On the superficial retard level spoken by the lowcuning, who have no temperance themselves. To the narsicists and sadists. A constant line of attack that never ceases and hasn’t ceased in decades. Turning from the up front aggressive, to the back, side, friendly but, none of it is real. Everyones playing an act. No real genuine communication from anyone. The odd couple txts now and a -long -gain. The gain gets highlighted but its pronunciation is wrong. It’s not strong enough to count very high.

All sources of information, perverted. Conditioning, a veil to side track attention. Little prison cell made to fell like nothing is to blame and this is how it is. It’s destiny. У.

So much for ever learning how to act. Nope. You don’t get to. Wish i could act. Then id be a two-faced asshole. The french call them crosseur. Or somethign spelt like that. The french never did make me feel welcome.

And the only places that ever did. Had an agenda. That is currently still in play. Thats what now? 8 years stolen? On that scene alone. The whole homo agenda scheme, all part of the picture leading years in before hand. Best decision i ever made. Fuck you.

What’s next gonna hit me even harder? Im just a punching bag. Always was. My narcissist father thinks that kid of thing is funny. Used to talk about it all the time. How much he loved his punching bag.

Keeping an open dialogue to this. Intentionally. Aggravating, frustrating, shaming, while pleading temperance?

Fuck this prison cell. Get me out. Maybe id have somethign positive to say. Maybe they’d be no righteous belligerence in the face of outsode forces m that have not once stoped ever. For any amount of time on that entire line. Maybe my attention would phase out to soemthign else. Maybe id have a healthier mentality. Maybe id have aome someblamce of a life of my own creation. But no. Not allowed. Just this. This is where i belong. Being beaten on from above. Whoch isn t hard considering im in the gutter.

I choose to fuck death. Go back to where i came from, hell. Im not human. Never was.

The next card is the father given his son a gun. And the mother is sucking him off while he does it.

Go “Temperate” son.

Maybe, i wouldn’t be so kind to people. Helpful and generous. Even to the very people fucken with me. Like i’m not aware. I don’t have the strength left for that last one anymore.

No positivity is better than fake positivity or, hopeful positivity.

Looking at america from an outside perspective. Uou got the states alpha prick. And you got canada right besides him. His little bitch. Who can’t raise its voice and has to live by their alpha fag. And fallow his news. More than their own. And then you got mexico on the other side, his personal drug dealer that he keeps his guard up around. The Us the ultimate wife beater.

The oilers losed?! What?! No shit. It happened. Course they were going to lose. Their canadian in their own field. And they’re named after petroleum. Not going to give hype to pollution and carbon gases. Like the games are ‘t fixed to begin with. And with that all the fans and the beer drinking men lost some pride, again. Oh, no, the masculine spreading and hoping for toxic waste. You lose.

Where’s my boyfriend(s), i want to defy nature, and get fucked tonight. And then feel disgusted with myself and a shamed, so i desire more. Afterwards.

Tarot… whats the point of temperance. You meet the devil and you lose anyway. Fuck inhate tarot.

Shame on you for wanting the oilers to win. Go get shame fucked. Even though its just a name and has nothing to do with sport. But that diesnt matter to the magical world of rainbow land. Shining your true colours after being stormed through and through.

Think i need another covid injection.

Cheers to suffering for the rest of my life with no one. Just me and enemies. Cause i won’t do it. I don’t want to be alive anymore. 25 straight years of being beaten in and manipulated. Vicious circle. I was born in hell.

Wonder what being human feels like. ´ast thing i want is a life based on sex. Thats all the world is. Sex and abuse. Im done.

I’m done. Im not talking to or being friendly with anyone anymore. I tried. Tried for 30 years with my family. But that was a waste of life. All

Life does is try and rule over me and cause me harm. Àways did. Always will. Im

Done. I dotn want to be alive anymore.

Ok, its back to being a concrete game plan. Again. With this added pressure. It may just pull through.

[pamplemousse666]

I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling for a while now. And like for a minute I got genuinely scared. It seemed like you had hit an all time low and I didn’t know what to do or how to even begin to approach it. But lately, it seems like you’ve taken a big step towards happiness. Idk. It’s clear that you’re definitely still struggling but I’ve seen a change. Or at least I hope I have. And all I really wanted to say was that I’m really rooting for you. If you ever feel like nobody cares I want to say that I care. Sorry if this is awkward. I’m bad with words 😓

I appreciate you for being so kind.💚

The last few months have been really fucking hard. I had an apartment that I loved for about two months, but a water leak caused so much damage that the landlord gave me my deposit back and terminated the lease. I was staying with my brother while looking for a new place, but then he kicked me out (after living on my couch/in my living room for the last 7 years). So I've been going back and forth between sleeping in my car and sleeping at my Mom's place, but she's an alcoholic and I hate being around her when she's drunk so most of the time staying in my car is just the better option. Her health has declined so much that I worry about her constantly but there is nothing I can do about it.

Work has been miserable, lately I feel like I'm one of the only staff members that actually cares about our patients and clients. Last week I caught two of our nurses (one of them is our head LVT) talking shit about me for trying to advocate for a patient that was going into respiratory distress. I feel so defeated every day, and now I'm starting to get the feeling that management is trying to find a way to let me go. I'm afraid I'm going to be homeless and jobless in the near future.

On top everything else, my dog Indie has had some serious health issues lately and I can barely afford her care even though I work at an emergency vet. I don't mean to be dramatic, but Indie is the ONLY good thing I have in my life and literally the only reason I haven't tried to kms yet. I don't know what I would do if I lost her.

I AM at an all time low. But I know nothing will get better unless I work to make it better, no one is going to come save me. And I'm just So Fucking Tired of being angry and sad all of the time. So I am doing my best to stay positive, even if right now it feels like I'm faking it.

I'm sorry for writing out such a long, depressing response. Nothing about your message was awkward, and you aren't bad with words at all. I really appreciate you noticing the effort I've made lately and taking the time to reach out.

Thank you for rooting for me.💚

Thank you for caring at all.💚

I promise to keep trying.💚

[dongyeonssimp]

???? life ig, idk

this is really random but i just wanna get it off of my brain and it's just that i would've ended my life way back but held on for my parents (mostly mom) and atp sometimes i feel maybe i should have and idek why i'm still living, i don't understand the point of my existence, i'm holding on for idk maybe the sake of proving some people wrong who said i couldn't do certain things or maybe it's for the little girl who had no fault for being brought into this horrible world, some of her dreams are still mine, i carry her with me, within me and i always will, she will always be a part of me, but the future scares me, idk what to do, how i'll do stuff, idek if i'll be able to get into a college, i've lost the spark in my life, nothing excites me anymore, i have no reason to live yet i am, maybe it would've been better had i died instead of dada, they would've been able to go to paris and not waste their money on me, i am not even a good daughter, i do not want to end up like him, kill me but don't make me like him,,, maybe i should have really died, maybe i should have actually had the courage to kms, or maybe i should have actually drowned in the pool that time, or maybe my parents should have really aborted me, idek what i'm writing on atp, sorry for rambling so much ig (and thank you if someone has read this far, you really didn't have to) (i'll just go sleepm it's 2.30 am and i have a chem test in my tuition that i need to do well on or my teacher won't let me hear the end of it coz i did actually say with a fuck lot of confidence back then that i could prove her wrong and do well, she hates me but fuck her i hate her back too)

[i-mean-great]

Okay okay for real, how do y’all keep going? How do y’all see a point in living? Like, this is gonna sound depressing af but whenever I think about it I see literally no point in living at all. We live day in and day out doing the same shit everyday to be able to have a roof over our head and to be able to live but are we happy? No! Maybe you are but I certainly am not. And just thinking about having to live like this until I’m probably like 75 makes me wanna fucking kms cause there is literally no purpose in living except for going to work, spending money, eating, sleeping and thats it. The only thing that brings dopamine to me right now is going out drinking, but I can’t do that all the time cause it’s fuckign expensive and not good for you. Just looking forward and seeing that this is it, this is life is literally not something I want to experience. Yeah some things of being alive is great, but those great moments only last for a few seconds, minutes, hours, days whatever and then it’s back to normal boring life. I know I might not sound reasonable now but I just can’t seem to think about life in any other way than just being forced to work and do shit in life you don’t want to do just so you can enjoy a few seconds of the good things in life. I’m so tired of thinks that there is no future for me, that life sucks and that it brings nothing good. It’s annoying cause I feel like a lot of people have their creative and fun ways of getting these feelings out but I’ve literally lost all interest in my old hobbies. I do nothing now except for reading books now and then. I have so much art supplies and a guitar but do I use any of it? No. I haven’t touched a portrait I started on in two years. They guitar has been laying on my floor for several months now. I just want my motivation back. The pills ain’t helping at all. I changed medicine to get a more “stable mood”, especially to tighten my motivation in doing things but it ain’t doing shit. And motivation isn’t just gonna come running back to me one day. Idk what to do. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it. It’s just so hard to change the way your mind thinks. I’ve been thinking like this for YEARS now and no matter how much therapy or medicine I get nothing seems to help me get rid of that pessimistic way of thinking.

I’ve been trying with a bunch of different tactics and tips and such but it just won’t fucking work. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough, maybe I’m just lazy idk, but it just seems impossible and I’m tired of it.

Don’t know if this makes any sense but I just had to get this shit off of my chest. Anyways happy October!

[maurenislife]

Miss martyr

Sir scapegoat

That is me

I wish that man blew my brains apart in that parking lot

Or when i almost had my heartrate slow down n die in my sleep off beans

Or the one time i passed out in my kitchen

What about the time i tried to jump out my window

Or the one time i tried to leap in front of a car

Jealous of me in my dreams im always dying or choosing too, getting stabbed to death while somebody looks me in my eyes n my life dont flash, it cut to black

I live pathetic existence

Like only so many times i can get up n recover or pick up my pieces n put them all back together with no regrets or like putting it back together confidently like this rlly me

Or am I overdramatic mellow dramatic

Like is it all a mixup

Till i review the footage in my brain of last 25 years

And everything stings like it happened yesterday even when im sober nothing rlly comes together my brain is a empty apartment with no where to sit, just standing there, wondering where everyone is, when is anybody coming back?

Does anybody care enough to sit n listen n care for 0$.

Everything comes at a exchanging price

When the personalities all collide

It makes one empty person,

When u finally show people how empty it is, look around when there truly is nothing more to see then its time to go

All the exes get to peak inside and see that its just as fucked up n blank in here.

How having no mother figure truly makes u feel a bit withdrawn i dont have her checking in she could rlly care less i see why im not doing anything worthy but breathing n taking up space n money by being alive

Im sure thats how my dad feels too, just preserving my body my entity cause its the proper thing to do.

Alot of things truly mean nothing

Not money, not the car being paid off, not the nicest fit or hair its to cover up all the stuff i know ill never recieve cause it cant be bought u cant buy love or warmth or a soul or innocence or buy back anything literally forced outta me.

Its now just me

Gotta worry bout me

Why u do fake pills maybe a lucky one will take me out this life, put me in the infinite sleep cycle,

So peaceful thinking about the day u wont be here.

My biggest mistake was ever rlly just not playing the role i know how to play well,

Zip it!

Everything done to me is sad no doubt

But whats sadder is i truly believed my prayers worked i never pray yanno im like omg somebodies listening to me besides

Doris and its not true there is no god for me

Devil ingrained the future for me long time ago, suffering since just in the pit of my stomach i stand in the empty small space. I stare in the room

Its just me again void is unfillable

Once my grandma leave this earth i will do the same maybe not now, I threaten kms all the time cause its peaceful

This life is full of broken promises and people willing to make them knowing theres only one promise

Death

Love isnt promised unless u love yourself

I can touch my hand in the mirror n still feel bad for the reflection

I know im not the prettiest the funniest or the bestest im literally on bottom of my own shoe

Shes terrible, i can be replaced with better

I can do better i can try harder but its the void right there, it doesnt care what you may do, who u are. Ur void is the never ending pocket of what u will never have.

I wanted all the pathetically dumb shit