#that i dont even like anymore--i might just delete it
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"list of content creators who still follow-" what if i hit you with rocks until you died
#SHUT UPPPPPP IT'S BEEN LESS THAN 24HRS AND MOST OF THEM DONT EVEN LOG IN ANYMORE#PLUS SOMETIMES PEOPLE FOLLOW PEOPLE THEY DONT LIKE TO HEAR NEWS ABOUT THEM#BC IF IT'S A BAD SITUATION YOU WANNA KEEP UP WITH IT#anyways good morning. glad i never got around to watching his stuff i guess#this might be case where i might actually go delete my tag for him the shit he said is VILE#i rarely do that bc im all about preservation but. damn#chat#if you want context just open twitter he's trending
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It's just constant. I reblog things I see sometimes that talk about trans women being banned, and every single post is talking about someone new. They're the only ones who get banned at this consistently of a rate. I have seen full cock and balls on this website that doesn't even get flagged(much less deleted), but anything that talks about being trans (ESPECIALLY about transfemmes) in a positive or even "wholesome" way gets flagged. Everything they do is scrutinized under the harshest possible lens for what MIGHT be "fetish content"(read: enjoying being trans), and they just ban them. Afterwards, they say "she was a filthy pervert, we swear, for real! Why would you need proof, just trust us! Not on OUR good Christian website!"
Honestly, even when they pull a reason out, I think they're making up something to justify the reality: they think that the existence of transfemmes is inherently a fetish, and therefore if transfemmes talk about being happy about any aspect of being trans, they are posting sexual content and deserve to be banned. More than anyone else on this website.
#personal#i have no idea what to tag this with so im not going to#i dont know why im still on tumblr anymore#a place without trans women is no place i want to be#but i dont know where all my friends are and i already lost a lot from dropping twitter#ive heard mixed reviews on cohost and i know like two people on it#i have a bluesky but no one is there so i never check it#i get overwhelmed by discord servers with more than ten semi-quiet people#i tried talking anyone at all into pillowfort and now it's been so long i dont remember my username or even my signup email#watching a huge part of my community slowly disappear is.#sickening. there's also dread because. because.#we're all just people! all of us! and you dont get to decide that one type of person doesn't deserve to live#anyway im sorry im not trying to make this about me which is why this is in the tags#i dont want to tag this with tags where it might get seen because i dont want to take away from what they have to say#im just. scared. im scared of a lot of specific experiences in the world completely disappearing#and i needed to get it out#ill probably delete this after i wake up
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im beginning to think that i am mentally ill and the internet makes my mental illness Worse
#i dont often get personal on this blog but im going to be so honest idc anymore. no one has 2 read this if they dont wanna i promise#but anyway. if *ACCIDENTALLY* rbing a Bad post and deleting it within ~5 seconds of it happening AND blocking the op#is enough to send me into one of my downward spirals of NEEDING to check my notes and inbox#and opening and closing my blog to make sure its Actually deleted and im not just Imagining its deleted#in order to feel even slightly okay#only to immediately remember/realize that blog notifications on mobile not only send INSTANTLY upon a rb happening#but show every detail of the post and dont stack either#therefor sending me even FURTHER into my checking and sending me into a panic#because this means people possibly Wont Know It Was A Mistake and instead might think its a genuine opinion of mine#therefor making me panic MORE#if ALL OF THAT is just because this fucking website cant impliment a proper quick-rb button for desktop#and a mistake happened#then i dont think the internet is good for me at this point and i think i need to smash all of my devices#i already get a lot of those like... needing to do Something to make sure nothing bad happened/happens#like i get that a lot already from my irl life i do NOT need it to happen online too.#because like.. i dont know WHO saw that. so am i making a huge fuss out of nothing/a mistake everyone could have made?#yes! probably! but i cant really stop myself now that ive started so this is going to Legit Haunt Me which is Not Normal!#whatever mannnnn#got so upset over this i cried and then circled back around to just Mildly stressed to apathetic entirely within the span of 4 minutes#still checking my notifs/inbox every two seconds but at this point ive accepted Someones probably gotten a notif and well. nothing i can do#kitkat chitchat
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Ok…am I the only one who thinks the FNAF movie looks??? Cheesy??? Like I know the franchise has always had its humor to it and it’s probably silly to wish anything even remotely serious but idk. Maybe it’s just cause FNAF has become a more saturated series with a mostly young fanbase.
#I’m not a “FNAF 1 was the best” kind of person#I actually kind of enjoyed Security Breach and the more sci fi route it’s taking#It’s been said to death but it doesn’t feel scary anymore. There doesn’t really feel like there’s inherent danger or stakes#Fnaf#fnaf movie#delete later#probably#EDIT: I don’t mind silliness in the movie! I like a little joking mixed with horror#it might just be the way the teasers are presented but even the horror seems childish#hopefully it’s just a marketing thing and I’m wrong. ALSO YES IT WILL FOREVER BOTHER ME THEY DONT HAVE THE BLACK EYES WITH WHITE DOTS
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everybodys all lets condemn people with Morally Impure Interests until all of a sudden you have an interest that is suddenly considered Impure and wanes in and out of Public Opinion for many years because nobody actually knows how to think for themselves online. personally i think we'd all be very lonely if we chose and broke friendships based on.... What Video Games They Like and like absolutely nothing else regarding the person's character
#like consider the fact that Steven Universe was considered Irredeemable Media 5 or so years ago#which sounds like me just bitching about the fact that ive been getting into pretty NOTABLY muddy media as of late (which is true)#but even when it comes down to it...#you start talking to people in real life and its like hey everyone has a voice and opinions outside of the media they consume#You know#and it doesnt just end there this is rlly why ive looped back to supporting self expression and supporting victims above all else#in supposed “darkfic” “proship” “discourse”#its just kinda like..#well none of these things are cut-and-dry. there is context behind why people do anything that they do#social media exists to curate a limiting digital image of yourself therefore people make judgment calls based on very small parts#of your whole character#and this is why i deleted twitter#because its like an ocd torture simulator#anyways i know im being incredibly vague and i mean OBVIOUSLY there are always outliers ie actual literal propaganda art and all of that#im making a sweeping statement because this type of discourse has become so aimless that words dont even have meaning anymore#like we just need to destroy the whole thing and start over.#anyways i might delete this later its just on my mind#becuase of those maia crimew posts lol
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its our theme song
#removing the tags on this one; i dont wanna be found anymore#might even fuck around and ask the people who reblogged to delete the reblogs so i can delete this and it'll be like it never existed#ME FROM THE FUTURE; I UNPRIVATED THIS ONE AND FREAKED THE FUCK OUT#I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA SHOW UP AS A NEW POST NOT JUST ALL THE WAY BACK HERE AGAIN#OOOF LORD
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my art will never be good enough !
#vent#im so hypocritical#i give advice on how to not feel terrible about ones own art and then i want to burn all my traditional art and delete all my art files#i cant even follow my own advice. ive wanted to burn and delete my art for several years now and i am very close to doing it#its so hard to not compare myself to others. its so hard to not think that what I make isn't good enough. everyone else can make so#much more beloved art. and they all know that ill never amount to anything no matter how much time ans effort i put jnto an art#it will never be good enough. I will never be good enough.#since I cant stop why dont I just post art then bounce and not scroll afterwards? ive done that multiple times now#but it feels very isolating and lonely. So I can deactivate and leave social media for good so I stop always comparing numbers#but it bleeds into real life. i actually felt this terrible about my art before creating any social media and posting my art in 2020.#i just know that nowhere am i good enough.#I hate that i think these things and am acting like this. I need to quit and discard everything giving up would benefit everyone#in fact why dont i go commit sewercide and officially rid myself since i cant think anything without wanting to commit over it lol#everyone says take a break but i will just come back feeling fine then it will quickly evolve into feeling this exact same way again.#'take a break' I might as well fucking quit for good like I want#making art makes me happy and helps keep me going. but at this point im not happy doing art anymore so I have nothing keeping me from#giving up on being alive anymnore
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it is actually unreal how much i hate going to my parents’ home
#rant in tags#every fucking time it’s horrible at the beginning and then looks like it might be okay and then one or both of my parents corners me#and start being so fucking awful#going makes me feel paranoid and crazy and i am so fucking tired of it all#well. that’s probably just the constant gaslighting and manipulation actually#it’s not even that i get my hopes up or anything anymore#i just try to be slippery enough that they can’t sink their claws in while i hang out with my sisters#but in other news ! i’m living in constant sin by essence of my existence and also an idiot and a heretic#if anyone was wondering#literally the only thing i have to show for this visit is my new fucking bloody knuckles and memory of my sisters’ smiles#i am so drained and it’s not even 8 am. however have been dealing with this since eleven o’clock last night#my head hurts my hands hurt my body hurts#i just want to die#personal /#dont rb#delete later
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cool !!! cool cool cool.
#info in tags. probably a vent too. just. as heads up.#pet negligence tw#pet injury tw#pet abuse tw#/rambling#/to be deleted#so um. well. my brother has been taking care of my dogs.#and now blu is puking up pieces of her crate. like shes been EATING IT. and i went and looked and its so fucking obvious where she’s ESTING#and he hasnt SAID or DONE ANYTHING !!!!#if my dog dies because of his negligence i might. literally kill him myself.#i cant stay in this house anymore i Need to move out as soon as i can. i Have to#for my sake and for my pets’ sake. theyre the butt of every joke#my parents have been joking about cooking my cat since i got her seven years age#ago** — even though shes the only thing that kept me ALIVE at that point#and my mother is more worrief about the expensive couch being ‘ruined’ than BLU POSSIBLY DYING.#i cant do this. i need to figure out what i can do and put out at a reasonable rate to like. open up a ko-fi or something#i dont know. i dont know but i have to do SOMETHING.
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does anyone on here have any cute shows or cartoons/anime they can recommend i've been really depressed and its been difficult for me to get out of bed
#i dont even know if people read my posts#if someone does see this and is too shy to reply or dm u can send an anon#sorry if this ruins anyones feed i know people dont like personal posts#i dont really have anyone to talk to anymore and i might end up just deleting this later#i really want to vent on here but i dont want to bother anyone so i feel like asking for a show might be less annoying
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Panicking rn 💀
#delete later#so my birthday is coming up and i havent even invited anyone yet 😭 or made a proper plan for what im doing#and one of my friends that ive talked about before (when i mentioned the whole social anxiety thing)#and the one who i dont want to be friends with anymore 💀 says that he wants to get me a present and well see 😭#i rarely go out with him so hes basically inviting himself to my birthday 🥲#this might seem like a small thing but i dont want to be waisting my birthday listening to people who used to be close to me#talk about shit idk about and like ive asked before and they just replied with 'its not important' 🧍#oh not to mention one of them is literally a pick me 💀 she always says shes one of the boyz and when she found out her little friend group#has been friends longer than theve been with her she freaked 💀#anyways if i invite one of 'the boyz' i'll have to invite all of them which i really dont want to do 😭#i mentioned saying i havent made a plan but i have came up with something small which is going ice skating with#only the people im comfortable with and even after that i havent planned much yet so like 😭#please this whole thing feels so childish 💀 but i actually want to have a good day bc most of my days are pretty shitty 🥲#anyways thats all 😭😭#oh yeah idk if i said this but idfk what to do now 💀
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you can make fandom posts for a niche game, but Watch Out
#i was briefly really into a game that has a small but seemingly really close knit fandom here#and i posted for it a bit and got a few followers and a well performing post or two#and i dont dislike the game now. i think its still nice and fun. but the guilt that i dont post about it anymore haunts me#i think the logical solution is to post about it again. but the thoughts i have arent at all what everyone else posts like#like sorry i just enjoy having a boat and free reign to go wherever and dress up how i want. im sorry im not angsty about the actual plot#will you take 1 doodle of my little guy.#<- absolutely silly. why even show up to the fandom tag if i could just HAVE some magician with a boat in ANY other setting. hell i could#i could just write about him on my own. he could escape the fate of being player character oc#id have to rename him if thats the case but thats not a huge problem methinks#<- stream of consciousness style tags that i might delete later :3#my posts B)
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im kind of wondering if i have like. depression or something. i dont want to self diagnose either (not that theres anything wrong with self diagnosing its just for some reason even if i do my research on a topic im constantly certain im wrong or some shit and i shouldnt do the thing... its like the everyone is genuinely doing great except for me and only me mindset. its weird and discouraging and it affects my ability to research as a whole)
majority of this is in the tags
#batsi speaks#batsi sad hours#wasnt meant to be a vent but got carried away with tags#its just that the symptoms have been getting worse and the more i think about it the more i think it might be the case#been bedrotting for the past few days because its just safe and secure in bed. I really want to just sleep more#been either overindulging in food or just not eating at all with no in between#i cant seem to bring myself to genuinely enjoy a lot of what i used to enjoy anymore#i feel like im pulling away from people without meaning to and i want to talk so bad and show that i care but i cant bring myself to#no matter how hard i try adn im scared im going to fuck it up orim going to do it and its gonna be too late or too out of nowhere#and i think it honestly is too late or it would be too out of nowehre or id be jduged heavily for the perceived sudden change of heart#i dont know how to explain it its horrible and i feel like scum for it#and i know its hurting the people i love too#i keep jumping to conclusions uncontrollably and i cant seem to stop myself from rpojecting anxieties onto the sitautions#and it jsut scares me so bad#i dont want to eb like this i want to do better and i want to have the energy to do the stuff i used to do#i dont want people thinking i dont care but i jsut cant bring myself to do anything other than breathe and stay on comfort subjkects rm#amnd praying someone maybe invites me to do something or praying someone checks in on me even if thats selfish#thats so fucking selfish when i cant bring myself do the same holy shit#holy fuck#delete later
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Ignore
#delete later#im so exhausted and stressed. theres such a lack of stability and its freaking me out SO much. im just constantly tense and waiting#for something terrible to happen. im starting to think that im not gonna get to go to the entomology thing ive been hoping#how i can't do things independently and i must have been forced into this abd rhen it'll get cruel towards my friends abd i cant#and my aunt is getting worse abd my parents are waiting for me to fail abd have to move bsck with them which i can't do bc#to go to for months bc ill probably need to use that time off for preparing to move. which sucks. ive been looking forward to it#i was letting myself get my hopes up and that was a mistake bc now im rly disappointed. im hoping i can go but honestly#idk if it'd be financially responsible. same with comic con. its in october so i can probably go but it might not be a financially#good idea. it just. the things i was counting on to be stable sources of joy are not stable anymore and that's making everything worse#and im tryinh to be positive but im so anxious. theres just so much. i need to think about packing and try to figure out#how im going to move 1-2 hours away. how am i going to coordinate with movers whilst having to get the train to meet them#im disabled and cabt help move things so only getting one person ro deliver worries me. movers arent insured to take ppl with them#theres just SO MUCH. And i can't view properties easily bc of work so im missing out on multiple places that ive been contacting#ppl about abd i couldnt line up enough for last week when i was off bc it was too short notice and i just. its TOO MUCH TOO MUCH#im overwhelmed. im trying to think of the food im gonna cook when im there ahd the armchair im gonna buy#im gonna eat so much fucking lamb and fish oh ny god im excited for THAT#i wany to just go for the shittiest place to at least have some stability and bc i still have yhat kernel of thought that i dont#deserve comfort but im trying to fight it bc i do. i deserve somewhere nice and its unfair on myself not to find somewhere nice#especially as ill be living alone. i cant go for places that have no natural light or are four stories up or are a mile away from the train#station bc that will wreck my mental health and i wont have ready access to socialising that can stabilise me. gotta be fair#to myself. but THATS PROVING REAL DIFFICULT#im doing good saving though so thats nice i guess. fuck me moving is expensive. moving when you've got zero kitchen supplies is#even more so. gonna be an Interesting first couple days in the new place.#it will be. very bad. they keep texting me asking about it and i have to be positive bc otherwise itll become a conversation about#field all that shit when im like this. i just cant. that requires so much fucking energy i dont have. and i wont move back#id frankly rather die. and trying to not say that and decline politely sucks. bc they get the look of#oh we're not good enough huh#and i can't field their fucking feelings. i either need a pause button or a fast forward. id take either one#so many of these tags ended up out of order whoops. but these arent meant to be read anyway#i just need to scream bc idk what else to do
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in a weird like. spot where i know im about to go insane bananas bc of where im at in my cycle but im also just regularly feeling Weird. hmmm
#im feeling like. a whole lot of nothing and i am actively fighting to not be a bitch at every turn 🤩#even to people i love and care about dearly!!! its literally making me evil. i Havent. but u know#and i havent felt like doing anything and nothing sounds like fun </3#guys i think i might just be regular depressed 😨/hj#anyways. teehee. im for real like what if i deleted all of my social media everywhere and disappeared 4ever 🤪#but i dont want to do thattttt bc i all i ever use anymore is this blog#its the evil hormones talking#personal
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#the way some people are just friends as long as you are of use to them but when something awful happened to you they couldnt even check in#and then you go into a big depression and arent able to have the headspace to help them with their shit#and now youre finally a little better and trying to check in but they ignore you#like ugh like i knew he uses female friends as an emotional crutch but still#its not like i had or have many friends anyway#it started with losing one friend because he [redacted] and dealing with the aftermath of that shit leading to losing [redacted]#which doesnt hurt as much anymore most of the time even outside my depression so i think it means im over it#but basically id you dont get that i wasnt doing well with all that idk what to tell you#and you can say all that you know im here and you can tell me stuff but when i actually do you ghost#lmao always knew that would happen because it happens with everyone#no one really wants me to open up#thats what sucks about losing [redacted] too because thats the closest i was to being myself with someone#sigh anyway#might delete later#lol spiralling but i told myself ill let myself deal with it instead of suppressing it so here we are
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