mercadona007

[jago-xx]

The difference between Ivans dying “heartbeat” and Tills dying “heartbeat” is interesting—to me at least.

Ivan’s heartbeat is characterized by the beat of drums and is rather passionate and energetic. Its loud, urgent, and suspenseful. Much like the feelings hes held for Till for the majority of his time in The Garden. His yearning is deep and woven into him; the thought of Till is his morning joy and his nights peace. In almost everything we see of Ivan, he is either watching, talking, or helping Till. Though he seems calm and composed most of the time, his obsession runs deep. He enjoys being with Till …even if Till isn’t entirely aware of his presence. Even in Tills rejection, he remained devoted. Till was his everything. We can see this in one of Ivans interviews where hes asked, “Have you gotten everything youve ever wanted?” and he responds: “No, but i came very close once.” This must be in reference to when he and Till nearly escaped together under a meteor shower.

So its no wonder Ivan would feel this love—this obsession surging through him as he sacrificed himself for Till. Be felt love, sadness, and longing in last moments. His heart was thrumming in his chest, as if it was trying to rip itself from its cage of bones, if only to unite with Tills this once. His heartbeat banged and roared for Till in his last moments, and in his whole life, he’d never been more at peace.

Till, on the other hand, had a meek, innocent, melancholic xylophone for a “heartbeat”.

Unlike Ivan, Till was deeply wounded in heart and body. His entire life he was abused, used, and treated like trash. He didnt take it lying down, but even the fiercest people get tired of the constant pain. He had gotten used to touch that was hurtful, and to hard hearts. To him, hate and anger were the norm. Those emotions came easily to him, and became part of what drove him forward. He had told himself for so long that his existence was supposed to be pain. That this is just how it is. And Ivan often challenged this belief. We see Ivan help Till multiple times. We see his loving looks and curious stares. Till was not used to such…attention. It challenged his natural inclination to hate. Ivan, though weird and sometimes annoying, never looked or treated Till like he was a burden. Although his actions, such as when he stepped on his flower crown, knowing they were hidden cameras, annoyed and sometimes angered Till, Ivan never did any of it from ill intent. And even still, he received Till’s anger, because even that type of attention from Till was bliss.

Till wasnt used to this treatment, so he avoided acknowledging it. He didn’t know what to make of it. All he knew to do was fight and push on. Run away. He couldn’t come to terms with the fact that maybe, just maybe, he loved Ivan. Maybe he liked the time Ivan would spend with him. Maybe he enjoyed his voice, and his touch, and even his weird humor.

Till didnt accept it until he had to watch Ivan die. Until he realized those kisses would be his first and last. He went into round 7 spiraling down a hole of regret and anguish. He did not want to die. He had just realized that love is in fact his to hold, that he doesn’t always have to fight. He had just realized that he had something to live for after all. He was weak in the heart and body. He yearned for the even a speck of innocence again, just to feel peace one last time. Mizi was a portal into that innocence, hence his flashback before his death. The girl he idolized was alive and he discovered his love for Ivan. He died when he had finally found reasons to live.

[mocksart]

Listen man I am now invested in your borrower AU

Please

Tell me more

Hi thanks for the excuse to ramble more about my borrower AU. I'm so, so normal about them!

Ok so, due to his own biases, the Narrator doesn't really realize Stanley is sentient at first. He's a man who has had a rough go at life and has coped poorly. He's a bit of a narcissist and only sees what he wants to see.

He has Stanley for months, putting him through mazes and making him solve puzzles, trying to determine baseline intelligence and general behavior.

He catches on pretty quickly that Stanley is a clever little creature, but his frustration with the disobedient little rat steamrolls any deeper reflection on his treatment of what he calls subject 427.

Under normal circumstances, puzzles and mazes are things that Stanley would enjoy quite a bit. His job back with his borrower colony was to determine the best ways to open up and access drawers, cupboards, boxes, etc.

But these are not normal circumstances. He's trapped, captured by an unknown bean in an unknown location. He's completly alone for the first time in his life. Well, almost. The bean who pokes at him and insults him doesn't make for very good company.

I'm a big softie at heart though, so a lot of my thoughts have been post-escape with them learning how to navigate their relationship. It takes time, but they eventually get to a sort of understanding.

[huginsmemory]

Just. percolating thoughts about Bill, denial and his lies are lies. Bill as a character I'd say is characterized by deep deep denial. He's a character that's both aware and immediately not aware of his feelings and his situation; it's all very doublethink. It's about denying everything and drowning it all out (yeahhhhh big partier? Alcohol and drug abuse? Totally a result of being healthy; not to mention the dissociative episodes he APPARENTLY GETS???).

Because essentially, hes constantly warping his perception of everything occurring around this glass tower he's built of who he is, a ruthless, unfeeling tyrant of a monster, akin to a god (and beloved by humans when he deigns to charm them). This persona is something that he's made in response to his own belief that he's a monster, his own deep insecurities for being a freak and wanting to have proper connection, care and vulnerability with someone that he's lacked. It's a persona built upon self destructive tendencies, denial and the pursuit of pleasure for the purpose of drowning out anything uncomfortable, that he's practiced for trillions of years. And at the same time these insecurities that built this persona are all deeply denied in the way he'll deny that Ford meant everything to him but also when asked if Ford meant nothing to him, backtrack. He's both aware and not aware; he'll never have a thought of 'oh I loved Ford' because that is IMMEDIATELY repressed. He can't even admit that. It doesn't fit who he's supposed to be, it's vulnerable, and we can't have that. This triangle is more repressed than a fucking gay Catholic priest. He's both emotionally literate and completely illiterate because any emotions or situations that don't fit his fictional self gets immediately suppressed/skewed in perspective.

And that's how he's both good and terrible at manipulation, because he knows how to play people and can be very good at it, but his denial gets in the way. That's why you see him not talking about his dimension unravelling to Ford to ask him to make the Portal, instead of pulling the rug out under Ford; because it's vulnerable, it doesn't fit 'him as a monster' and even if it would get his way he can't do that. He mentally cannot even conceive of asking that and can't even in a way to himself accept that his dimension is unravelling and he can't do anything prevent it, can only take over earth instead. And he assumes that Ford will simply just bow to his will because that's what's supposed to happen, right? And it's the same as his lies about all the people he contacted over human history that were annoyed by him; he's too far in denial to even acknowledge that they didn't like him because hes supposed to be loved by all he tries to charm, that's why he puts the pages in to TBOB because he thinks it makes him look good, even if anyone looking at that goes 'yeah that's not what's happening'.

And this is all the most obvious with what he did with his dimension, his guilt around it because if pressed he will never admit those feelings, and he doesn't even admit it too himself; in fact when it's brought up by others such as time baby he gets angry, because his denial over the situation becomes questioned. And it's only ever one instance, that you see Bill admit to vulnerability, to admit to being actually aware of any of all these underlying feelings, and that's the moment that he shares unprompted about Euclydia with Ford, in response to Ford's own vulnerability... in which he indirectly calling himself a monster.

And it's all so fascinating, because if his denial is ever properly cracked enough, oh BABY you know that glass tower is going to shatter, everything is going to come down like a house of cards, and Bill will be left in the wake of everything that he's done, with nothing to shield him emotionally. And so isn't it better to be in denial? To deny he killed his dimension? Doesn't it hurt less than to admit all along it was guilt, it was insecurity, and that after his dimension burned, he's razed civilizations to the ground in denial and self-destruction?

post previous to this (similar vein)

[silverskye13]

I feel like this is kinda a weird question but we know RK and Hand both started existing(? Idk?) around Third Life ish when did the others? And how old are each of them or are they kinda just ambiguous

[hand wave] ambiguous!

You have fallen into my Big Untouchable Plot Hole of who is older than who and why! I have some vagueries. EB is the oldest. Helsknight is second oldest. Tanguish is probably the youngest but was very shortly behind Red and Martyn. The Demon is maybe older than Martyn but younger than Red.

[loud shrugging]

It's never terribly relevant in the plot, so I don't stress it.

[puppyeared]

Jitterbug

[faaun]

pls i need to provide updates

[yn6k]

i dont think melt down is supposed to be a sad song but the way i teared up while listening to it anyways

[ghwosty]

when will these horrors (tummy upset) cease

[resonabilis-echo]

.

[minglana]

so crazy seeing my cousins post aesthetic pics of my village street. maam thats a rundown house with the roof caved in next to the ugliest house in the village

[spacelesscowboy]

when nic from nirvana for girls fame said the way brothers pheromones i thought he was being silly but I Understand Now.

[end-orfino]

man it would be cool to have a long-term creating capability wouldn't it. wouldn't it.

[sodrippy]

i love dnd for the "omg i want to be a cool guy and have cool friends and have cool adventures with my cool magic" of it all and how it fosters creativity and fun but unfortunately it does also tap into the inexorable escapist fantasy mindset i lived in as a kid and i have to separate the two out lest i become overcome a misplaced sadness from ten year old val who wants to have magic powers so so badly

[totallyblooktacular]

Heh, thank the old Spider Riders blog for that haha. Not a lot of folks remember the, even up here in Canada, where we dubbed it and aired it constantly; though everyone remembers the old game, which people are trying to revive. I've been revamping my own fic on AO3 for a while now, and I think I'm the only person currently writing new content for the show both there and on FFNet lol.

some of this feels a little vague so im worried im not thinking of the same things youre actually referencing, but i still definitely agree.

its a shame not very many people made their own dedicated blogs for it here (i only know like 2 ?) but theyre definitely very helpful for general access to content (official and otherwise), especially when pretty much anything of substance about it is so obscure, so i would say i do owe a lot to at least the one that was kept up here until.. i think just right after i started getting more into it myself, coincidentally enough lol

nice to be able to hear from a fic writer too though!! and that ur still kicking, as well. i havent read a majority of the ones out there, but i’ve been trying to stay pretty on top of some more recent ones being updated, so i think ive been reading it too, good job there!

[usercelestial]

btw if you've ever sent me a message saying it's okay to time off of fandom bullshit and wishing me good things and peace of mind and ive never responded, it's because every time i look at them i get emotional and start crying so hard i can't see my keyboard

[s0urte3th]

dont resd 🙏