#that totally made me feel better fucking chump

[frenchfryfreeloader]

i think i just need to become a lesbian or aro/ace at this point

i cant do this shit again

[switchplate-2]

Well and truly fucked

Swiss escapes his 'stage of shame' to visit Sodo. More under the cut.

Also I fully blame this on @sisterprocrastinator!

“Cum for me baby girl,” Swiss growled the words in Sodo’s ear.

 He knew that there was always the chance for Swiss to escape his little stage of shame as they teasingly called it, something that he had begun doing more and more of late. He would occasionally make his way to his side, sometimes running to harass one of the girls. But this time when Swiss ran up onto Sodo’s platform while he was really playing with all he had during ‘Watcher in the sky’ what happened totally caught the small ghoul by surprise.

Swiss positioned himself flush against Sodo’s back, his left hand fisting a handful of Sodo’s uniform pants while the left snaked it’s way under Sodo’s guitar. His mind flashed to in infamous dick grabbing clip that to his understanding is still circulating the internet. Swiss’ hand was gripping his cock and jerking him then and there on the stage in front of countless fans, during a part where all eyes were on him. This would be all over the internet before they made it to the hotel, again.

He's by no means a ‘two pump chump’ but coupled with already being horny, what he can’t help his high sex drive. Then add to it that the energy from the fans immediately ramps up anything the ghouls are feeling, which is why they always make sure that Mountain is fed, Rain had a nap and Sodo is properly fucked immediately before they go on stage.

When you add all those things together you are handling a volatile substance, one that Swiss has his fist around as best he can jerking all while Sodo tries to continue to play, the last thing he wants is Papa to yell at him for fucking up a song. The suddenly the thin thread holding what dignity that the Fire ghoul had together snaps with no warning and the only thing hiding his undoing was his guitar as he did exactly what Swiss told him to and came. “Good job, now everyone else will know what a needy little slut you are for me. Cumming like that in front of the fans,” Swiss purred to Sodo as he gave his ass a firm swat, all while Sodo held himself together and played as if he didn’t just cum in his pants.

It didn’t take long, and he could feel his own cum cool and each time the air hit it he was reminded of the way he folded for the Multi so easily in front of a full house. Each time Rain or Phantom came near him Sodo could hear them growl lowly. When Copia came and did the kneeling bit during ‘Kiss the Go Goat’ the look on the old man’s face gave away that he too knew.

Sodo was begging the Dark Lord to call him back to the Pit by the time that they made it to the final bow, and he was supposed to be throwing picks to the fans. When he smelled Mountain come up behind him Sodo whimpered, “You have any idea how fucked you are little one?” He was gone before Sodo’s brain was able to form any response at all.

Once Copia released them to head backstage Sodo ran to the green room. He wanted to change and put all this behind him. But his footsteps were soon echoed by more. He knew better than to look back until he made it to their dressing room. He slammed the door and swore at the fact that there wasn’t a lock on it, all he was able to do was back slowly towards the wall opposite the door. When it slowly opened the first one to step in was Swiss, “That’s no way to treat your pack when we are just here to help you out.” Rain, Phantom then Mountain all file in behind Swiss, all with feral grins on his face.

This is when Sodo really knew he was well and truly fucked.

[absolutepokemontrash]

I come bearing a request! The Brothers with an MC who's really good at cooking and baking? Like, the stuff food blogs dream of. Master-level instagram pastries. Could compete with the chocolate guy if they put their mind to it.

👀 ooooo, I do love me some pastries-

(I know you have an *ahem* distaste for Lucifer, dear moot, so enjoy Lucifer acting like a bit of a dingus in his section!)

Lucifer

Oh, the human can cook. *insert asshole eyeroll here*. Great. Wonderful. Groundbreaking. That’s what’s got all his brothers acting like- what was that word Levi used? Simps? This human has turned six of the seven rulers of hell into a bunch of simps.

Sure, the human has near godlike cooking prowess. Sure, everyone looks forward to their day for cooking. And sure, everyone thinks the human’s pretty great.

Tsk, not him though. He’s a refined demon. Some silly food isn’t going to make him a lovesick fool… did he smell eclairs..?

Lucifer peered into the kitchen to see MC carefully taking a tray of eclairs out of the oven and letting them cool off on the counter. His favourite dessert… right there in front of him…

Due to not being a total moron, MC notices Lucifer and asks him what the hell he’s doing just standing ominously in the doorway. Lucifer makes up some bullshit excuse about reminding MC to do their homework and just leaves. Okay, game plan, he needs those fucking eclairs or he will spontaneously combust.

As he snuck into the kitchen that night, Lucifer took a moment to briefly wonder why he was creeping around his own house. He was the Avatar of Pride for pity’s sake! He could eat whatever he damn well pleased! Oh shit was someone coming- no? Okay, back to sneaking.

Lucifer crept into the kitchen, saw the eclairs, and all logic was thrown out the window. Time to eat!

“BEEL NO! NOT THE- Lucifer..?” “…” “…” “…you’re very talented, MC, do you mind making more of these?”

SOMEONE SNAP A PICTURE! THIS IS THE CLOSEST LUCIFER HAS GOTTEN TO BEGGING IN THE LAST THOUSAND YEARS!

Mammon

Ugh, stuck babysittin’ some dumb human, how lame…

As Mammon was throwing a “I’m broke and I’m stuck in a pact with a dumb human” pity party, the most heavenly smell entered his nostrils. Cooking… good cooking… was Barbatos visiting or somethin’? Nah, Lucifer woulda made a big fuss about gettin’ ready for Lord Diavolo. Huh, so what was goin’ on in the kitchen?

Huh? The human? The human can cook? Well damn, maybe this whole deal wouldn’t be so bad. Oi! MC! As payment for babysittin’ ‘em, he got to have an extra big share of- OW!

Did- did the human just hit him with a spoon?! Th-they can’t do that!

Apparently they fucking can. Mammon gets told to sit the fuck down and wait for the food like everyone else. He grumbles on the way to the dining room, but he can’t fully hide his excitement to try the food.

The food even looked pretty! How did they do that?! Magic. It had to be!

After everyone’s tastebuds were blessed with the heavenly substance that is MC’s culinary exploits, Mammon decides he needs to get on this human’s good side in order to receive more food! Maybe even find some way to make a profit or somethin’!

After weeks go by of trying to suck up to the human without looking like too much of a chump, Mammon eventually realizes… hey, this human ain’t so bad. They’re nice, they make him feel good about himself, they give him headpats… he’s really hit the jackpot here!

He’ll offer to help MC bake or cook, but beware, he will try and sample the food before it’s done. Don’t let him lick the spoon!!!

Leviathan

First thought? This human ain’t shit. Thought after seeing their food? WOAAAAAAAH! JUST LIKE THAT ONE ANIME-

He was unceremoniously cut off by Beel asking demanding seconds. Humph, fine, he doesn’t actually care about this dumb normie food anyway.

…well at least until Levi saw a little something something on TV that he just had to ask MC to try and make. He shyly knocked on their door and when they answered, Levi shoved the screenshot in their face and stuttered out a dinner request.

On the day MC was supposed to make dinner, Levi poked his head into the kitchen and tried to make it look like he was just standing in the same room as MC and not checking to see if they were making his dinner request.

Not that he’d blame them for not doing that… who’d wanna make some anime dinner for a yucky Otaku- OMG JAHSHSHABA THEY’RE MAKING IT! *fangirl squeals*

As Levi continues to commit the SIN of being in the kitchen at the same time as someone else, MC eventually just asks him if he’d like to help out.

“Here! Just keep turning the takoyaki.” “R-really? You trust me?” “Yes, Levi. You watched how they made it on your show, right?” “Yes! I won’t mess up! I swear on my honour as an otaku!”

All in all, it was a very cute bonding experience for the two. Now it’s a regular thing. Levi requests something for dinner or dessert, MC makes it, Levi helps out.

Satan

So, the human can cook. That’s nice. At least someone in this literally god forsaken house can.

He makes sure to thank MC every time they cook, then he makes sure to thank whatever deity is watching over him that Solomon wasn’t the human staying with them.

As the months progress, Satan realizes, he should learn how to cook better. I mean, Levi and Mammon were somehow both improving in their cooking endeavours, and if MC could teach those two, then he would be a breeze.

Satan walked into the kitchen and simply asked if MC needed any assistance with what they were doing. MC just slid him some garlic to dice and that’s how this mentor/student relationship was formed.

Satan was a star pupil, but Mammon and Levi weren’t above trying to sabotage Satan’s progress to get him to leave.

Here’s the thing, the sabotage worked, but it only worked once, and the two idiots didn’t stop to think that maybe they shouldn’t sabotage the meal they were going to have to eat later.

Well, cooking lessons continued uninterrupted after the ghost pepper incident…

Even when he’s ‘graduated’ their little cooking class, Satan’s always willing to lend a hand if needed. He also will slyly hand over some recipe books and cute baking supplies that he finds. MC should be prepared for lots of cat related things to come their way.

Asmodeus

The human can cook? Oh frabcious day! He’s saved from a life of his brother’s mediocre cooking! And the human’s so cute too! What a bonus!

Not only is the human cute, but their food is just so… aesthetic??? Pretty???? Omigosh he just has to get a picture for Devilgram!

For the first few months, MC’s relationship with Asmo consists of Asmo not at all subtly asking to take pictures of their food and post it to his Devilgram. Listen MC, his followers would just love it!

Being the saint-sheep they are, MC lets Asmo sit in whenever they’re making anything in the kitchen. And Asmo slowly realizes “hey, this cute human with the awesome food is actually pretty cool too!”

New Mission: Make the human fall madly in love with him so they’ll want to hang out more.

Whether the mission succeeds is up to MC of course. (I mean, I’m already smitten with him sooooooooo-)

MC offers Asmo a lot of the pastries they make, but the Avatar of Lust almost always declines. Listen honey, he’s on a diet- wait, don’t make that sad face! He’ll eat it! Look! It’s- it’s delicious…

Diet cheat day is now every day MC makes dessert. The feeling of bliss Asmo gets when he takes a bite out of anything MC makes is only second of the treats is second only to the joy he feels at seeing MC happy that he likes their food. It’s just so wholesome I can’t-

MC’s food Devilgram has almost surpassed Asmo in terms of followers and honestly- he isn’t even mad.

Beelzebub

Gasp! Lucifer finally got him the pet personal chef he’d always wanted! Thanks big bro! :D he’ll be sure not to eat this human!

On the first night MC was supposed to make dinner, Lucifer needed to hold Beel back from breaking into the kitchen to see what was causing that heavenly smell. It was, difficult… especially because Lucifer hadn’t slept in three days.

When they all sat down to eat, Beel practically inhaled everything and held up his half bitten plate for seconds.

We here at Stupid Headcanons incorporated recommend that MC have as many bodyguards as possible stationed around the kitchen at all times to ward off a hungry Beel. We don’t want him eating the ingredients and half-tempered chocolate.

A cinnamon roll through and through, he’ll eat everything MC gives him with a big ol’ smile on his cute little face. He’s not the best person to go to if MC wants advice or critique because the best thing Beel can usually muster is “it was really good.”

As Luke said in Lesson 5, Beel would make an awful food reporter. But we love him.

Similar to Levi, he’ll give meal requests on what to make for dinner. (At this rate, MC’s going to have to make some kind of list).

He kind of just waits by the door like a sad puppy whenever MC is making anything because he can’t get into the kitchen :(

Belphegor

The smell of freshly made chocolate chip cookies wafting through the house did reach the attic and it only fuelled his rage more. How dare the human win everyone over with cookies?!

After the attic incident, Belphie was won over with cookies.

Belphie just stands creepily in the kitchen doorway whenever MC is making anything and just makes shit really uncomfortable. Why’s he doing that, you may be wondering, well, he’s trying to calculate the energy needed to swipe the bowl of cookie dough and sprint to safety.

He never succeeds, mainly because once he gets to the bowl, MC already has the wooden spoon ready to smack him, so he just freezes mid-theft and slowly puts the bowl down.

“Oh my gosh, it says let the bread dough rest overnight? Let’s get a headstart and go to sleep now.” “Belphie what-” “I made a pillow Fort, come in. Let’s sleep.” “In the kitchen????”

How’d he make the pillow Fort without MC noticing? Years of experience. He’s trained in the art of- MC? What do you mean you can’t sleep right now and you need to get a head start on shaping fondant?

…he may have eaten the fondant while MC wasn’t looking… whoops… Beel may have rubbed off on him a little…

[baecvlt]

Hello hello! I looove your work! I was wondering if I could requests Kazuichi taking his best friend(or lover! Just thought friend would make it more interesting) on a late night car ride to test some adjustments he made to it, could end up with some steamy car sex? Hopefully this made sense! I've been craving this kind of fic

Car Sex: Kazuichi Soda x Reader

a/n: It’d be an honor to write this. Hope you enjoy! ALso VERY WELL ESTABLISHED FRIENDSHIP HERE + projecting my interests onto reader because I get selfish AND I feel like Kaz listens to rock/alt/indie music. K byeee. ALSO READER IS FEM, pls specify next time

It was a Friday night, you were out for dinner with your best friend, Kazuichi Soda. You were glad to finally get out the house. It got lonely, plus you got to catch up with him and see him personally. He offered to pay for your meal, you allowed it since this time you were tight on money. As he paid, you notice he was excited about something.

“I know this is so last minute,” he began,“But I was wondering if you’d come back to the shop with me”

You nodded, but remained curious. “Of course, I’ll go, but why?”. He leaned toward you and he was excited. His leg was shaking and hands slightly shaking. “I’m finally finished with my car!,” he cheered,“I want you to be the very first to join me for a test drive!”. You smiled. Kazuichi had been working on this car since high school. He almost gave up on it too, so you were happy he never gave up on it. “Of course I’ll go!,” you told him, just as cheerful as he was. You both has walked to the restaurant, now walked back to the shop.

His family was there, closing the shop up. You obviously greeted them. He walked right past them and to the garage. A sheet was on top of the car. Once you were in the room, he walked towards it. He grabbed the sheet, doing a small countdown. “3..2..1-”. He yanked the sheets off, revealing a new and improved car. “So, what do ya think?”. You were excited with him now. “Jesus, the paint job on this is amazing!,” you said to him. “‘May have taken me my whole high school and half my college experience to finish it, but it was worth it!”.

“Totally”

“What do ya say? Should we take it out for a spin”

“You don’t have to ask me twice”

He cheered quietly, opening the passenger door for you and hopping into the driver’s side. He opened the garage door, pulling out of the driveway. He had only driven down the street and you saw how nervous he was. You grabbed his hand, he gasped when you did. “Hey, I’m sure the car is fine, don’t stress out”. He smiled, putting his arm around you. You relaxed laying back. You drove around for about half an hour, going up some hill to a mountain. “Where are we going?,” you asked him.

“We’re gonna look at the stars”

“Ooo, nice”

He parked by the edge of the mountain. It was weird because no other cars were to be seen. Usually there were. “By the way, I wanna show you the coolest thing here,” he said, opening the glove compartment. He took out a CD, Slowdive's 1993 album Souvlaki, and revealed he had a working stereo. "Holy shit, it works?," you were excited. He nodded, popping in the CD. "I love Slowdive," you mumbled. He smiled, chuckling a little.

"I know. You were listening to it the day we met"

"Oh! I was...Yeah, I remember you came up to me that day. You were so awkward"

"Right? God, I feel like I acted like a douche"

"You were like,'Hey, we shouldn't be able to hear your music'"

"Yeah, yeah. Then you were all,'Oh, sorry!'. Then, I was like,'Don't worry, but anyway, Slowdive, huh?'"

You both laughed. "God, I felt that you were trying to hit on me that moment," You told him,"But you're just...you're really nice". Smiling, he shook his head. "Do you miss high school?," he asked. You thought about it for a moment. Did you? "You know what," you began,"Partially". He was confused. "What do you mean?".

"Well, we all had good times in high school. We had good friends, all those memories. We've kinda drifted away, but that's why I partially miss it"

"So why don't you?"

"I felt like I didn't belong"

He looked at you sympathetically. "You all had an established talent. I didn't," you told him,"Sometimes, I still wish I hadn't gone". Hearing you say so saddened him. "But you're good at a lot," he said,"You were better than everyone there". "You're just saying--".

"No! I swear, you are talented at a lot. It was just never put into one thing. You aren't alone either. Hajime never had an exact talent, Nagito won a lottery...you belonged there just as anybody else. You are a Jack of All Trades—"

"—Master of None."

"NO! You are the master of all!"

You smiled. "I care so much about you. I'm really glad we met. I just know that if we hadn't met my life wouldn't be the way it is now...," he said,"So, please, never say that again! You belonged there". You lay back in your seat, trying not to cry. For the first time in forever you felt like you had a place in the world, it felt weird, but not bad. You weren't used to feeling important. "Are you even happy with your life?". He looked at his thumbs when you asked him that. You were afraid of his answer, you didn't know why, but you were.

"There are somethings I wish I didn't have to deal with, but when I think about you, I realize that it's all worth dealing with...and that makes me the happiest man in the world"

"Kaz..."

He said your name, his voice low when he did. It interrupted anything you wanted to say next and your thoughts were racing. "I..I—". He sighed. You knew whatever he had to say next was not easy for him to spit out. "You know how important this car is was for me, it took up my entire high school year to work on. I know I had fun doing it, but I didn’t build it for me,” he sputtered and you could tell he was nervous,“I made this car so that...so that I'd have something to impress you with the day I had the courage to tell you how I really feel about you. I love you and I have for so long. I don't see myself being with anyone else and I wanted you to think of me as the coolest guy you'd ever met and now you probably think I'm a chump–"

You launched yourself towards him, attacking his lips and you felt his skin radiating. He felt as if he had been kissed by an angel. "I love you too, Kaz," you whispered. You really did. Crawling onto his lap, you pushed his hair back. "I wish it hadn't taken you so long to tell me," you added, frowning,"We could have done all these cute high school couple things, then moved onto adult couple things". He kissed you this time, his hands on your hips as you nibbled his bottom lip. He managed to move you both to the passenger side in order to prevent your back setting the horn off. He stopped for a minute.

"'Adult couple things'?"

"Yeah"

"Well, we're adults now, aren't we? And who says we're too old to do what high schoolers do"

"You're not wrong either...but are you interested in doing adult things with me?"

He blushed and looked away for a minute,"I, uh- I've never done it before. I was waiting do it with someone who loves me, y'know? But- you love me, right?". You laughed, nodding. He laughed too, shaking his head as he reached up your skirt, his calloused and rough hands rubbing your thighs. "Hoh-okay, you asked for it". He leaned forwards to kiss you, grabbing the waistband of your panties as his tongue entered your mouth. He pulled them down, allowing you to remove the rest by making his seat go further back. You kicked them off, going to unzip his jeans and pull those down too along with his boxers. He was already rock hard and made you throb just looking as his cock. It was slightly above average in both length and girth, but what did you expect from a dork like him?

You took off your entire skirt before climbing right back into his lap right after pulling them down, he smirked and lowly praised you: "Good girl". He kissed you a little more before he grabbed his cock, ready to guide it inside you. "You ready?". You were shaking, but uttered a soft,"Yes...". Before he could, the Slowdive song you were listening to when you first met started playing and you knew this was meant to happen. You melted when he heard it too. It means it meant something to him and it meant as much to him as it meant to you. "You remember this song, baby?". He pressed light kisses on your forehead as you nodded. You felt his tip at your entrance and you whined. "W-Wait! Kaz, please be careful," you begged. He nodded and kissed you again. "I'll be soft," he reassured you,"Besides, I want to take my time with you. Okay?". You took a breath and relaxed.

"Okay"

"Uh, wait- I should probably ask. Did you wanna do this laying down? I don't think it's fair if you're on top during our first. Plus, I don't want your back to hurt"

"Y-Yeah, my back was starting to ache a little"

He nodded, putting the seat all the way back, now mimicking a bed. You switched positions, spreading your legs for him. He put the volume on the stereo almost all the way up before picking your legs up. He positioned himself again, pushing in just the tip. You gasped quietly, breaking into a very sweet moan as he pushed in all the way, groaning lustfully. He repeatedly pushed in: deep, but slow. He only felt his erection grow harder seeing you blush. Your little moans and soft whimpers when he'd hit that one spot you thought only you would be able to reach made him twitch inside you. He tried to keep his composure, but your walls constantly pumping him made it almost impossible. He leaned forward, desperately trying to kiss you. You could've melted right then and there, seeing how this man made love to you. "I-I love you..," he whispered against your lips. God, he was so cute too.

"I love you too, Kaz, but this is a little too slow now"

"Please, tell me what you need"

"I want you fuck me harder"

"Whatever you say, princess"

His thrusts went from "slow and deep" to "abrupt and very deep". "Like that?". You kissed him in response, grabbing his hair and pushing his head to you. His hips snapped inside you, making it harder to control your breathing. At this point, the windows as fogged up, making the air around you hot. He grabbed your breast, massaging them. You did him the favor of unbuttoning your blouse. You grabbing his hand and slipped it under your bra. "They're so pretty and warm," he mumbled. You could tell he didn't want you to hear that from how low he said it, but you heard it well. He pulled your bra down to your torso, ducking his head down to be able to suck on your breasts a little. "K-Kaz! I'm really sensitive there!". He didn't respond, so entertained by your boobs, knowing playing with them made you feel good.

Your stomach was in knots and it was hard to hold anything anymore.

It took one really hard thrust, making you squirt. He didn't even know it could do that. You didn't cum all the way through, making it uncomfortable now. You felt like you were being edged. "Kaz, it doesn't feel good anymore".

"Do we stop?"

"No, no! Just...I need to cum"

"I'll get you there"

His hands went back to your hips, slamming into you fast and deep. Your body trembled, shaking as he hit your sweet spot again and again and again. "Is this okay?," his voice husky as he was nearing his orgasm too. You nodded, whining. "I-It feel so good..please don't stop," you cried,"It's so good!..". He went faster, grunting softly. You were near crying, about to release. "Are you gonna cum?". He was just as impatient as you were.

"I'm cumming, I-I'm cumming"

"I can't last anymore. C-Can I cum inside?"

"Please, baby"

He groaned you name, shooting his load in you. You knew it was a lot too, feeling it when you moved. He pulled out, laying on the other seat lazily. You were still so turned on, pumping your two fingers in and out of you, securing his cum inside you. "Good girl". You picked your braw up to cover your chest since it was getting cold. "You look so pretty," he added. You were blushing as he helped you with your clothes. Naturally, you helped him with his. "I hope this is a good time to ask, but...". "Yes?"

"I want you to be my girlfriend"

"I'm so glad you do. Yes, Kazuichi, I'll be your girlfriend!"

"Yes! Fuck Yes! Oh god, I'm so happy!"

You kissed his cheek, making him become even more giddy as he wrapped his arm around you and drove you to his home. Kissing on his bed, he hugged you tightly afterward as you shushed him to sleep.

[crybabyddl]

I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO REITERATE SOMETHING

Yes, let’s circle back to the beautiful performance of Edge of Great. More specifically the BODY LANGUAGE, particularly Julie and Luke’s, which I will be analyzing with gifs.

Exhibit A

Jealous Luke looks over at Julie and Reggie vibing

Julie is aware that she’s avoiding Luke, which she is doing so bc she realized her feelings for him thanks to Flynn earlier in the episode.

Since Julie has put the task of ignoring Luke upon herself even though she has no obligation to, she ends up failing her own mission. She sees Luke’s reaction to the lack of her attention.

She literally FREEZES. She’s emotionally worried to confront what she’s feeling and it’s beginning to manifest physically.

Exhibit B

It gets better y’all. After Luke finally has even a crumb of Julie’s attention, he beckons her over with his signature head tilt. This is important bc he did this with his longtime bandmate during the soundcheck of what would’ve been their biggest performance. If he feels comfortable enough using that body language with a girl he’s only known for, what, a week and a half(?) then you know this puppy boy’s got it BAD.

Julie is well aware that Luke is getting jealous. But in classic Julie fashion, she will try to tune it out instead of addressing it. Our wicked beauty doesn’t like confrontation and would rather just deny and avoid than potentially make things awkward, especially when she knows Luke would ask her about it at a later time.

The look on Julie’s face. Her eyes widen and the classic tight-lipped awkward smile is present. She’s literally saying “ok enough of that let’s get back to work doo doo doo” with her face. The way her body SWINGS back into performance mode as she faces the audience again. It may have been a split second, but when you’re deliberately trying to avoid looking into the dreamy (dead) eyes of someone you shouldn’t be crushing on, any amount of time feels too long. Plus, she knows Flynn is watching and doesn’t want her to lecture her (but she does anyway bc Flynn is observant and knows her bestie too well to let any action slip past her).

Exhibit C

Keep in mind; NONE OF THE GUYS KNOW WHY JULIE IS AVOIDING LUKE. Flynn, Alex, and Reggie have noticed the Juke chemistry, but it’s still too soon for them to get past the “we like each other but we’re too clueless to notice that we reciprocate” phase, so even though their respective besties know, they are still denying. Besides, Reg, Alex, and Flynn know better than to keep pestering if they want to keep their kneecaps. In reality they’re both smart enough to tell by this point, but for the sake of the plot and to make everything more adorably frustrating, Flynn has the collective brain cell under lock and key, leaving Juke to be like *dog tilting its head and making that “a-roo?” noise*

Anyway, Reggie notices Luke being snubbed after realizing that his extra dose of Julie time was slightly out of the ordinary. Luke is clearly concerned (look at his eyebrows and how his eyes travel from Reggie, to Julie, then to the audience to trying and get his mind off it and bring his focus back to the main goal; the performance.) If he can’t have the moment of connection with Julie that he so desperately craves, he’s gonna fill that void as best he can by connecting with the audience. >:’)

But Reggie’s trying to help Luke brush it off by conveying his reaction as ‘look at julie coming into her own! i told you she was a star! and you thought you were the lead singer? think again buddy this girl’s got you beat!’

But since Reggie isnt a master at hiding his feelings yet, especially around Luke, —who was able to get under his skin earlier (“girls, am i right?”)—Luke was easily able to see through that and interpreted what Reggie was saying as “look at julie go, she all in the zone. you’re literally making heart eyes at her get a grip you’re slacking lmao” (hence luke’s right eyebrow quirking at reggie like ‘dude seriously gimme a break u know i need attention like tinkerbell’) even though Reggie’s true message was a bit less harsh and more lovingly teasing, but it’s Luke, he sees things through his eyes and at his intensity, regardless of who it’s coming from. (This is one of the reasons why Luke comes off as selfish at times.)

Exhibit D

Poor Lukey boi can’t seem to catch a break today! Not only does Julie ignore him, then has a cute lil (platonic but it’s luke so it still makes him jealous >:P) moment, but now she has the AUDACITY to interact with Alex? The guy who was out learning Ghost 101 with this Willie guy instead of rehearsing with the band? What gives?! What’s he got that your moody ghost bf doesn’t? >:’(

He literally just watches, and even glances back in a way that, to me, screams ‘did i see that right? did i just see what i just saw with my own dreamy (but dead) eyes? say sike rn.’ \_(*_*)_/

Meanwhile, Alex pays no mind. I like to think that Alex is fully aware that Luke is an angry boy rn, but has learned to ignore it, especially this bc literally NOTHING happened. Either that or Alex has no clue and just truly thinks nothing of it and is having too much fun to think about Luke’s moody and childish behavior. Either way, Alex is just straight chilling and we love to see it *^_^*

Notice how Reggie is right there vibing with Julie and Alex. Luke feels a bit betrayed like ‘not you too! i know you were the first to turn on me but i figured since you’re such a golden retriever you’d be loyal and come back to my side!😠🥲’

Also; Luke approaches the rest of the group, wanting to be included in at least SOME of the vibing, but when Julie starts dancing and smiling with her buddy Alex, he backs up like

“you know what? nope. nevermind. not doin’ it.”

and the group’s like “i mean hey it’s your loss, but luke we want you to-”

“no, bc you chose to piss me off right in front of my face so no luke time for any of you! no cuddles, no hugs, no nothing! you made your bed, now lie in it and perish.”

Exhibit E & F: This is where it gets a bit interesting and theorized hehe...

Now we all know that this moment is just fucking ICONIC

WEOWH NEOW NEOW!!! WEOW NEHR NEHR NER-NER-NER NEHR NEHR NEOWHR!!! (wer nehr-nehr-ner-ner-nehr-nehr!!) WUEHNER-NEUHNER-NEHR-NEEOW-NEOWH! DLOOLOODDUH-DOODLAH-HOOBLUEH-NEOWHR-NEUEHR-NEEEEEEUOWRH!!!!

But hear me out– HEAR ME OUT!

What if... now don’t shoot the messenger who just so happens to also be the theorist... but what if...

WHAT IF!!! Luke didn’t!! plan this?!!!

Listen i know you’re probably thinking:

“Well uh Nicole, isn’t that kinda the whole point? It literally wasn’t planned until Charlie realized Madi was gonna be standing on the piano so he suggested the idea for the guitar solo to Kenny.”

And you’re right! But here’s the kicker:

What if Luke THE CHARACTER, just decided to do this as an “Alright that’s it! You wanna be like that? Well what if I just hit you with my super awesome radical totally cool wowza guitar skills & make a moment between us? Huh? What do you think about that? Hmm? HMMM???!!!”

He licks his lips & that to me read** like he was nervous (**read rhyming with bed just to clarify) so that means it could’ve been a spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment thing.

In the second gif, you can see that Julie’s head is tilted, as if she’s a bit confused, but she’s also delightfully surprised.

Julie is quick to smile and scrunch her nose at Luke, something she does often. It tells Luke his impulsive action garnered a positive response from his favorite girl. Julie also starts to shake her head, but doesn’t go through the motion in full, which means she’s still a bit nervous to let her guard down. This is probably because she doesn’t know what he’s thinking or what he will do next. The lopsided smile mixed with the suave, gliding steps towards her probably brought her back to her daydream lol.

Luke’s happy bc Julie’s no longer ignoring him. He smiles like a GOOBER bc this chump is simping HARD for our Julie. So cute! :’)

Exhibit G

And hear me when I offer this:

What if Luke poofed the guys out???

I know, I know. It’s a bold claim to make. But the boys are special, considering they are a threat to Caleb (3 gay-variant himbos vs. a gay magician that could’ve been on broadway but decided to make some sort of deal with a devil so he just entertains capitalists who most likely sold their souls to get into the hgc which i will probably elaborate on in a future theory so dont do that bc im gonna lmao idc we all have big brains) So it’s not too crazy to think that they could share some ghost powers.

We know Caleb transported the guys during You Got Nothing to Lose. And the guys have left a place at the exact same time on more than one occasion.

And you may be thinking “well what if the guys poofed out to give juke a moment alone together?” And to that I say...

Look at Reggie. He isn’t looking back at Alex like “dude let’s give them some space.”

The timing of him turning around, at least to me, makes me think Reggie was surprised by Luke approaching the piano. (But also he lowkey was waiting for Luke to prove him wrong by doing something to get Julie’s attention so Reggie isn’t mad. Neither is Alex but he doesn’t like being told how or WHEN to ghost) Luke doesn’t even give his bandmates a warning eyebrow quirk, a hand signal, nothing. Reggie turns to Alex like ‘dude what is he DOING?’ And before he can even really convey that, they go *POOF*

This man had a plan and he was gonna do it, so he did. Whether it’s the power of love, they stopped performing, or Reggie and Alex actually poofed out, the odds worked in Luke’s favor so he and Julie could have a super special moment, a moment special enough to make an actual living person (Nick) wonder if a “hologram” has a better chance at connecting with Julie than he does.

Again, regardless of who made them poof or how they poofed, they mf poofed so Luke’s a happy hamster. (Idk it just sounded fitting instead of happy camper lol wait what if someone had 3 pet hamsters and named them alex reggie and luke🥺 someone buy some hamsters and let me be their godmother or their aunt and i’ll love them from afar.) Anyway, Luke’s thriving, flourishing, his crops are going to grow in time for the harvest.

You can see Julie lean back as she turns to see Luke. It’s... almost as if... She. Wasn’t. Expecting. Him. To. Be. There..??

Honey badger Luke bc he DGAF <|:) Bitch, it’s Luke mf Patterson and he’s gonna,, GET! IN! YOUR! FAAAACE!!!

You CANNOT tell me he’s not doing the absolute MOST to try and seduce Miss Juliana Mariposa Rose Molina.

Yes I’m making a headcanon that Julie has TWO middle names and that one of them is the spanish word for butterfly and that the other is her mother’s name. Also yes, I believe (i believe that we’re just one dream away from who we’re– oh, that’s not what we’re doing? okay, sorry!) that Juliana is Julie’s full name.

In this house we love and respect Juliana Mariposa (Dahlia)** Rose Molina

**I’m just putting Dahlia there for fun bc I can. :) Whether I’d consider it a possible middle name of hers depends. Anyway I just thought it was a cute thing to add bc it goes along with the other middle names I gave her *^_^* Also, I feel like I made a post giving a bunch of the characters middle names lemme see if I can find it later)

Ok i’m done this took me basically all day from like 10am until 4:08. I obviously took breaks in between, but not long ones...😶

[hops-hunny]

You Can Be the Boss

Pairing: Neville Longbottom x Reader

Pronouns: She/Her

Word Count: 2.2k

Request: N/A but it’s based off of this rambling here

Summary: Women are beautiful, but they sure don’t make ‘em like her.

Warnings: Weed, Alcohol, Mentions of sex.

A/N: I wrote this to cope with the copious amounts of work I had due but I finished it all so now we celebrate!

Hogwarts had many things but one thing it lacked severely was normality. Not that it was a problem, nobody who attended Hogwarts was normal but it didn’t stop a portion of muggle born students from feeling a bit homesick to things their muggle friends did at their own schools. That’s how the talent shows started. At first, the students tried to get it officiated by the school. Dumbledore thought it was a wonderful idea!....if it was professor supervised and when it turned out that Snape was the only professor with enough freetime on his hands, the idea of having it being school ran quickly flew out the window. But looking back on it now, many were happy they went with the idea of going behind the professors backs. It wasn’t like they weren’t aware, they just had no proof of it all happening. The atmosphere of the talent shows were different from ordinary talent shows, however.

For starters, anything went. Any talent you had you were encouraged to bring it no matter how big or small it was or if it was “school appropriate”. But the pro to this was also booze and bud, meaning that everyone had a good time no matter what. Although, as it would turn out there were many talented people at Hogwarts. So, for the past few months every Friday everyone would gather in the room of requirement, watching the many ups and downs of performances. Neville started frequenting there as often as he could. It was a win-win, his friends got free entertainment and he had a chance to make some money from selling to chumps with too much cash on their hands. What better way was there to spend the night? 

His hazel eyes snapped up at the feeling of his blunt being ripped out of his hand. He went to swear, glaring at whoever was stupid enough to do that but quickly stopped as he saw who it was. He watched with wide eyes as the tip of it went between her pretty (l/c) lips, exhaling smoke. (Y/n) (L/n). She was one of those girls you either knew or you didn’t but more than likely, you knew her. Before 5th year, no one so much as spared her a glance but after a very fortunate late puberty in their current year (7th) she was slowly becoming all anyone could talk about. It was truly amazing what a haircut and a bit of weight in your hips could do for your social life. He eyed her curiously as she looked down at him.

“You comin’ tonight?” she asked, exhaling another puff of smoke into his face. (Y/n) put the joint back in his hand, moving the heavy guitar case into her now free hand.

“Yeah. ‘Spose I am.” He mumbled, eyes trailing down the expanse of her plush thighs. They were on full display due to the skirt she wore that left nothing to the imagination. His eyes locked with her (e/c) ones as she hummed, nodding as she took the blunt back from him walking off. She flashed him a smile once more, winking as she turned the corner going merlin knows where.

“Oi! What does she think she’s doing? You really gonna let her take the blunt from you like that just because she’s fit?” Ron complained, glaring at the boy who was set with the rest of their group. Neville shrugged, turning his eyes back to his book as he turned the page.

“If you’re so bothered by it why don’t you go take it back yourself?” Neville sassed. They all looked at Ron waiting for a response, laughing as he had nothing to say but a small ‘piss off’ under his breath.

-----------------------------------------

Neville wasn’t one to put too much into his appearance. He’d usually just throw on a sweater vest over one of his uniform shirts and call it a day. However after the conversation he had had with (Y/n) earlier, he couldn’t help but wanna look nice. Was she flirting with him? He sighed as he glanced at his appearance in the mirror for a bit. ‘I doubt it.’ he thought. He shook the negative thoughts out of his head, packing his satchel with a few different strains. Just because some pretty girl was batting her pretty little eyes at him didn’t mean he was going to forget the reason he went to these things in the first place. The only other time Neville made this much money was Gryffindor common room parties and even then, it was only by a little.

But even as he was checking his appearance once again, he couldn’t help but let his thoughts drift. “Why am I wigging out? It’s not like we haven’t talked before.” He said out loud to himself. (Y/n) was a frequent buyer from him and even though he didn’t know her personally, she was one of the few people whose faces he remembered. At first, he was extremely annoyed by her. Who did she think she was showing up at his dorm at 3AM just to buy a bit of fucking jane? Every wednesday at the same time, she’d show up at his door (in a negligee that was far too short might he add) with that dopey look on her face asking to buy. And every single time without a doubt, he’d sell it to her. He had to admit, after a while he even started to enjoy the girl’s appearance. It gave him something to look forward to during his mundane school week.

“Ready to go, Nev? If we leave now, we can use a secret passage my brothers’ showed me.” Ron said, opening the door to Neville’s door. The lanky boy cleared his throat, giving the boy a nod as he wiped his sweaty hands on his pants. Without another word, they both began their way ready for the night to unfold.

As usual, the talent show didn’t disappoint...for all the wrong reasons. Even though the cringe worthy performances were top notch entertainment and he had already made quite a bit of money, he still couldn’t stop from searching the crowd for a certain head of (h/c) hair. Where was she? After the stunt she had pulled earlier, he was sure she would be here. She had some nerve doing that and then not showing up. However, as he turned his gaze back to the stage, he saw the woman of the hour herself. She was in an oversized crochet sweater dress and a pair of combat boots. His eyes looked up in wonder as she took the stage, sitting on a wooden stool that was placed from the last sad excuse of a performance.

“It’s a bloody shame that she’s so fucking hot. Poor thing is going to embarrass herself singing up there.” Ron said, taking a sip from the beer he had in his hand. Neville nodded in agreement, taking a hit from his blunt but not really paying mind to his friend. It was hard to do so when the girl of his dreams was on the stage a mere foot away from him. He was absolutely intoxicated by her (and the few shots he had taken a bit ago) but he had to agree it would suck when she-”

“You taste like the fourth of July

Malt liquor on your breath, my, my”

She sang into the microphone softly. Neville’s jaw dropped in awe at the sound of her voice which was nothing short of angelic. He wasn’t the only one who was stunned considering the whole crowd went silent, a stark contrast from the loud chatter and laughter from before. He watched as she strummed at the guitar in her hands, looking up from the ground into the crowd. Mesmerized wasn’t even the right word to describe the state he was in. 

“I love you but I don’t know why…”

His eyes were focused on her lips, taking in every word she said. Harry nudged him, mouthing the words ‘look up’ to him as a small pause had come into the song. Neville looked at him confused before trailing his eyes up, gasping when he saw that hers were locked on his own. She smiled and flashed him a wink before continuing her song, leaning in forward. His own body began to subconsciously drift forward to but at the last second she pulled away and continued to sing.

"Did you see that? She definitely wants me." Seamus boasted confidently. The others looked at him dumbfounded at the fact he could get even more idiotic than ever before.

"Don't be fucking dumb mate! She was clearly looking at me." Ron chimed in, causing another round of even more exasperated looks to be thrown the ginger's way. They truly were dumb and dumber.

"I-I think both of you are wrong. (Y/n) was looking at.." Harry trailed off as the girl stood up, dancing around the stage with her guitar as she continued to sing. Not a single pair of eyes weren't on her at the moment. Could you blame anyone? When a beautiful girl with the voice of a siren is on stage, you'd be a fool not to. However, dumb and dumbers’ argument ceased as she made very clear eye contact with their awkward friend.

“You can be the boss, daddy

You can be the boss”

“That’s all me boys.” Neville said, a triumphant smirk taking over his place as Dean leaned over to give him a fist bump. As much as (Y/n) had him wrapped around her finger, it appeared she was wrapped around his too. All the angry glares being sent his direction were only fuel to the pride he felt growing in his chest. Such a pretty girl, the same pretty girl who plagued all his wet dreams and shower thoughts, was not only on stage singing in front of him, but directly to him as well. She reached a hand forward, tips of her fingers lightly brushing against his flushed cheeks.

“I like you a lot, I like you a lot

Don’t let it stop”

“This is totally unfair. One of the hottest chicks in our year and she’s pining over Longbottom.” Seamus grumbled, grimacing as the liquor went down his throat hard. Dean rolled his eyes, shaking his head.

“Jealous much?” he asked no one in particular, as that could be said about most of the guys they were sitting with.

“Bad to the bone, sick as a dog

You know that I like, like you a lot

Don’t let it stop”

Neville felt his own lips curl up into a smile at the sight of the one that belonged to the angel in front of him. However the cute moment didn’t last long cause once again, Ron chimed in with something else.

“Neville? Bad? He still sleeps in pajama sets!” he exclaimed quietly, earning a ‘shh!’ from Harry. The boy in question leaned forward, looking at his ginger friend.

“Is this really coming from the boy who needs Mummy’s howler to fall asleep at night?” that shut him right up. Harry snorted, high fiving him for bringing up the embarrassing piece of information. 

The girl continued to sing, eyes never leaving Neville’s for a second. Ron and Seamus’s petty comments had ceased as well. Even though they weren’t the one receiving attention, they could still admit the girl had pipes on her. When the song was over she stood up, bowing as the silence of the crowd quickly erupted in cheers and claps from the breathtaking performance. There were a few more people left but no one paid much mind to them. He found himself feeling bad for them. Even if they were good, none of them could top the performance of the night. 

As the night began to come to a close, (Y/n) found herself over to Neville again parking herself in his lap which he gladly accepted. She looked up at him, smiling shyly. It was almost comedic due to the words she had so sinfully sung to him only 45 minutes ago. Neville ignored the way his friends gawked at him. He’d deal with that another time.

“Come back to my room and split a spliff?” she asked, looking down as she picked at her fingers. He grabbed her hands, leaning in close to her.

“Only if I can eat your pussy afterwards.” he said confidently. He said it quiet enough to not draw attention but just loud enough that his friends would hear. (Y/n) felt her face grow warm as she nodded, hopping up from his lap as she dragged him off to her room.

Neville 1, blokes 0.

Extra:

“Seriously?! Is it really that easy? What does he have that I don’t?” Seamus said, mind running over the times he’d attempted saying things like that. The only place it had gotten him was on the ground after he had his balls kicked!

“It’s gotta be the weed. After all, who wouldn’t wanna sleep with the weed man? Free pot!” Ron exclaimed, trying to rationalize what had just happened.

“Aren’t you the residential booze man of Hogwarts? If that was the case, you’d have an easier time with women too.” Dean said, causing Harry to nod in agreement. Ron simply grumbled, slamming his empty bottle down as he walked off from the cackling group of blokes.

[pseudofaux]

Pseu. My dearest Pseu. I have a secret to share. Hideyoshi has always been in my Ikesen top three but not the top. But then you write him. And my heart goes ‘you fool. This sweet, amazing man needs to be on top. Of the list and you’. So I don’t know if it’s congrats or thank you but look what you did to me! XD I wasn’t going to ask for anything this time around but now I absolutely have to. Please give me your spiciest for this man and make my thirst greater. HC’s or drabble. However he tickles your fancy because I know it’s going to tickle mine

Your secret is safe with me, friend! IkeSen is criminally full of HOT AF warlords & co., there’s just no determining a firm (...) favorite for most of us. We can only decide who gets to sit on the podium and play musical chairs on most days. There are always swaps. 💖 Thank you so much for asking for this and I hope it suits you!

(Requests are open through May 1 if you’d like to get one in!)

Dirrrrrty Toyotooooooomi, comin’ right up!

(and also all up in YOU!)

Have you ever wanted to be absolutely railed with complete and total love? Toyotomi Hideyoshi can give you this. His strong arms will hold you and his gentle mouth will lay a thousand kisses on your skin while he fucks you so hard you both have to be careful there’s nothing nearby for you to knock your head on. He’s also the king of getting at whatever makes you tick, quick. All those powers of observation trained on you. Maybe the best thing about him as a lover is that you can tell him anything you need to and he’ll take it gracefully and put it into practice immediately... but he’s exploratory and attentive, and that deadly combo means he’s naturally going to discover what you respond to without you having to say anything. You know heat sealing missiles? Hideyoshi is a your pleasure seeking missile. He looks for it, finds it, and GOES for it.

He is the unsneakiest lover on the planet so you will come [many times] to know what is about to hit you. And he likes to use his physicality to let you know— lots of crawling up over your body in bed, or laying with his arms wide, wide open for you. As war council lets out he’ll give you a certain look and it is NOT subtle. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 The only question is when you’ll be moaning, not whose name or how loud.

He’s NO one pump chump but honestly, his game is so good you may tap out after round one. The women in Azuchi are not talking just to talk, okay?! 🤷🏻‍♀️ You will have been FUCKED and or MADE LOVE TO. And it is totally okay if you need to rest, he’ll just rub you to sleep. He loves to rub your butt and back and tummy and calves and and and! Or maybe he’ll just let you lay there and gently eat you out for awhile— actually gently, the kind of licking and kissing that calms you down. But if it gets you riled up instead it is always okay to change your mind. ♥️

Also, obviously, all his phenomenal kissing skill is just as incredible downtown. His style is whatever suits your mood— fingers deep while he laps; tongue kisses that gloss his cheeks and chin; fingers shallow but a few of them at once to stretch you w i d e while he suckles; fucking you with his tongue and nudging your clit in perfect rhythm with his nose if you want him to (you will). 🥵 His tongue feels GOOD and it is strong enough sometimes you swear you can feel his tastebuds as he uses it on you.

He’s tall and broad. You got size kink? Perfect, he’s got size. 😌📏

Generally, while the man has his preferences like any other, his guiding principle is that he wants the way he touches you to be what you like. He’s never pretentious about this, it is his honest goal to make you happy and please you, body and heart and brain. He feels best when he makes you feel good.

That said, a few of those preferences include...

Suck his dick. 🗣 Suck his dick! Please! The handsier you can be at it, the better. Definitely fantasizes about you looking at him with so much love before you slowly close your eyes and moan about how he feels in your mouth and hands. Definitely moans every time he thinks about it. (You’ll have to make him let you do this. It will be worth it.)

Did somebody say breeding kink? If you’ll allow him, he’ll get your body so lax and comfortable from loving that it won’t hurt a bit when he presses your knees to your chest and fucks the first of many Toyotomis into you. Don’t worry, he won’t let any of it dribble out, when he’s done he’ll let you fall asleep—you’ll have earned it— tucked close, with his hand cupping your sex.

He’s down for some ass play (on his [glorious] ass; he’ll meet you whenever you are regarding your own). It needs to be gentle, but his heart trembles when you curl around him. If you want to peg him or just slip a finger inside to massage him, he’ll be so good for you.

Honestly, the man has all the makings of the most perfect big and big-hearted sub, or he could just be that good a man. But he definitely has every inclination to be good to you and he keeps himself ready to be better to you at any time.

[problemswithbooks]

It was literally a case of him realising that his death meant nothing to his father that even his death didn’t change him, or at least that’s what he assumed and that’s why his mind changed. It’s really simple I really don’t get why you find it so hard to understand!

It's not that I don't understand. I get that's what we're supposed take away from the chapter. My issue is that he went from "I can't wait to get home and see my family!" to "fuck my family!" in less then a day and kept that mindset for nearly a decade. Not to mention then bucket load of coincidences that led to Touya even getting to that point in the first place.

Touya woke up wanting to see everyone--not just his dad. He made excuses for why Enji didn't come to see him on the hill. He obviously clocked the orphanage as shady right away. Yet, as soon as he sneaks into his own home and sees Enji training Shoto he doesn't just give up on Enji, but the rest of his family as well and then never second guesses if maybe he made a rash choice.

If we get follow up material where Touya thinks about going back, but decides against it because he feels like he's already gone to far (which would be weird since he's introduced as never doing any crimes before he joined the LoV but I'd let it slide) then maybe I'd think it a bit more believable. Because even from a simple story perspective, we've seen Touya in the past, including in the beginning of the chapter give his family the benefit of doubt, or admit to making his own poor choices, yet after making the biggest, most rash decision of his life he never again considers if he might have been wrong, at least where it concerns the rest of his family.

I totally believe that seeing Enji still being fixated with beating All Might would make him give up hope for Enji ever changing, or feel like his death didn't matter to his father, but why would he decide the rest of the family didn't miss him with no evidence of that? If it was instead presented as him being to afraid of Enji to be with the rest of family I'd get that, but that's clearly not the case. Instead only his father's affection and feelings matter to him so as soon as he gives up on him the rest of his family are suddenly chump change to him.

And to be honest that's kind of interesting because it's clear Touya is pretty much just Enji 2.0. He's Enji real heir, not Shoto. Endeavor's neglect and pursuit of his goals led to Touya becoming exactly like him despite how much Touya hates him. At the end of the day Touya also threw his family away or in the very least didn't care what happened to them because his goals became more important. For me, if driving that point home was the reason for this chapter then I think it worked (even though it still has some issues) but everyone else seems to think it's to show how much Touya loved his family--which really could have been done in far better way.

[mypoisonedvine]

Juicy Fruit (Chris Evans x Reader oneshot)

Based on a dare by @hnryycvll and @honeychicanawrites, I decided to write something about my personal theory that Chris is a two-pump chump who cannot last in bed to save his life.  So, yes, this is somewhere between smut and mild bullying.  

Word Count: just under 2k

Warnings: smut (duh), drunken shenanigans, dub con if you want to be totally accurate about the fact that they’re intoxicated but I promise everyone involved wanted this to happen

He struggled to slide the key card through the door, and you tried not to laugh at him as he did it.

When he finally made it work and you both stumbled inside, you took a moment to appreciate the expanse of his suite.

“Your room is a lot nicer than mine,” you blurted out.

“Starring versus guest starring,” he smirked.

“Truly, guest stars are the most oppressed, downtrodden people on the planet,” you laughed.

“You want a drink?” he offered, waving to the minibar.

“I’m already pretty lit,” you admitted.  “So, just one.”

“Right,” he winked, “just one.  You’ll like this whiskey-- on the rocks?”

“Yes, and with a twist please,” you requested.  He nodded and obliged, rubbing the orange peel on the rim before dropping it in and handing the glass to you.

You took a seat on the couch, admiring the view from his expansive window, showing the glittery city lights below.

As he brought his own drink over and sat next to you, you honestly couldn’t tell what sort of “let’s hang out in my hotel room” interaction this was.  You hoped it was the more mature kind… and the way he was looking at you made you think your hopes weren’t so outlandish.

“I’ll admit that was my first cast party,” you said quietly, breaking the silence.

“Well, you pretty much did all the stuff you’re supposed to do,” he soothed.  “Drink, chat, try not to think about how long it’ll be until you see these people again…”

You nodded and looked away.  “Yeah, I’m definitely gonna miss these crazies.  For better or for worse.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he shrugged, “we’re gonna get renewed.  And we’ll be back together again in no time.”

You decided to believe that, but you didn’t want to get your hopes up too much.  Sure, you believed in this show, but that didn’t always translate by the time it was edited and released.

“And if we get cancelled?” you couldn’t help but ask.

“Then at least I got to meet some super cool people,” he answered hopefully.  You smiled.

“Yeah, this is such a great cast,” you smiled.

He bumped you on the shoulder with a finger.  “You’re my favorite,” he admitted.

“You’re drunk,” you frowned.

“Yeah, but it’s still true.  Don’t tell anybody though.”

“Cause you told them all the same thing?”

“No,” he laughed.  “Word spreads fast in this town, that’s all.”

“People would think we were… involved?  If they knew we were friends?” 

“Yeah, definitely.  If I say anything nice about a female co-star, everyone is convinced that I have a crush on them.”

“Ugh, that’s so annoying,” you groaned.  

“Yeah,” he agreed, “especially when they’re right.”

“Oh my god!” you gasped.  “I totally knew it!  You had a crush on Scarlett Johannson, right?”

He frowned.  “I was talking about you, genius.”

You nearly dropped your drink.  “Seriously?  I mean, the girls in makeup were always joking about it, but I never thought…”

“Why wouldn’t you think?  You’re super smart and you made me laugh, like, a hundred times a day.”

“Yeah, I get the feeling our director didn’t care much for that.”

Chris laughed at the memory.  “We ruined a lot of takes…”

After a pause, you took the last sip of your drink and set it down.  “So, is that it?”

“Huh?”

“You’re just gonna tell me you like me and… not do anything about it?”

He gave you a look, and you hoped you weren’t blushing too hard.

“Should I do something about it?” he asked lowly.

You simply nodded, and tried not to grin too hard.

He leaned in and kissed you sweetly at first, slowly.  It was giggly and innocent-ish until you found yourself feeling suddenly desperate, needy, and you grabbed his shirt to pull him closer.  He got more serious then, too, his hands slipping to your back and holding you; you felt so small in his embrace.

“Chris,” you whimpered.

“Yeah?” he asked, only pulling back from you as little as he possibly could to talk.

“Are we...gonna do this?”

“I really hope so,” he admitted with a little smile.

You kissed him again, leaning forward even more such that you would’ve fallen over if he hadn’t wrapped an arm around your waist to keep you stable.

A sober you would’ve thought about not straddling him on the couch, but tipsy and love-drunk you was tired of the damn waiting and was already on top of him, moaning a little at the feeling of his hands running down your legs.

He laughed softly and moved the kiss down to your neck, taking a moment to murmur your name, as if he needed to remind himself who this was happening with.  

The intoxication made your skin warm and tingly, and the arousal made your eyes feel heavy-- or maybe it was the other way around, you couldn’t really tell.  Either way, being held by him felt like being wrapped in a warm blanket, even as your heart raced and your mind was happily supplying anxious thoughts of oh my god this isn’t happening, is it?

You didn’t even realize your hips were rolling against his until you felt what was obviously his erection, somehow managing to rub against your clit just right even through so many annoying layers of clothes.  You heard his breath stutter, and his hands gently guided your hips to do it again.  

As much as you felt like you could just keep doing this and get off pretty quickly, that was not at all what you wanted from this.  

"I need to taste you," you sighed against his lips.

"Aren't you already?"

"I was thinking somewhere a little different," you admitted with a raised eyebrow.

You felt your dress stretch a little as the hand on your back clenched into a fist.

"Fuck," he replied softly, "yeah, okay, damn."

You smiled as you stepped back and dropped onto your knees, pushing his legs apart.  He looked at you with some mix of confusion and amazement as you ran your hands up his thighs and finally reached to unbutton his jeans.  

You bit your lip when your hand reached into his boxers and wrapped around his cock.  It wasn’t even fully hard and yet already so thick and hot in your palm.  Of course, it didn’t take more than a few lazy strokes over it as you pulled it out for it to get entirely hard and oh shit, this thing could take your eye out.

Deciding you’d better get on with it before you changed your mind, you licked the head and wrapped your lips around it.  He moaned and it spurred you to bob down further, loving the way he filled your mouth until your jaw ached.

“Oh god,” he sighed.  He couldn’t seem to decide between letting his head fall back onto the couch, or looking down to watch you take him deeper into your throat.  

You hummed around him in approval.  The whole time he couldn’t stay still, squirming and gasping beneath you.  He was so sensitive; every time your tongue swiped just under the head of his cock, his hips jerked up into you just a little.

“Baby,” he praised with a breathy voice, “so good.  Oh my god, you’re so good.”

It was hard not to smile, but you managed for the sake of your task.

“Get up here, please,” he begged suddenly, “I need to--”

You didn’t even let him finish, pulling off with a pop! and hopping back up into his lap.

“Eager, are we?” you smirked.

“I don’t think I’m alone there,” he chuckled.  “I’ve wanted this for so long,” he explained breathlessly, “I’ve wanted you for so long.  God, I’ve thought about this for so damn long.”

“Me too,” you grinned.

“Well shit,” he laughed, “why haven’t we done it sooner then?”

“Let’s not worry about that now,” you decided, pulling him in to kiss you again.  His hands pulled at your clothes and you finally relented, letting him shirk you of your dress.  Before you could worry about what he’d think, he was kissing you again and running his hands over your bare skin.

You felt yourself blushing a little as you reached between your legs to pull your underwear to the side.  You’d never been quite so desperate but you needed him inside you as soon as humanly possible and there was no chance you were going to get up off his lap until you were done.

His breathing stuttered when you grabbed his cock and guided it to slide through your folds.

“Oh,” he gasped as you started to drop your hips down, your eyes fluttering shut so you could focus on the feeling of him stretching you open.

“Fuck,” you whispered.

He winced as your hips reached his, fully seated inside you.  You just stayed still for a moment, absorbing the perfect feeling of him before starting to, finally, move.

“Oh… oh god,” he groaned.  He hissed in a sharp breath as you started making circles with your hips, your own moans impossible to stop from emerging.  You wrapped your arms around his neck, attempting to keep yourself stable as you bounced on his thighs.

“Yes,” you hissed, “oh my god, Chris, yes.”

He bared his teeth when he heard you say his name like that, leaning in to lightly bite at your neck.  Every graze of his teeth against your skin made your walls clench around him, and both of you moaned. 

“Baby, if you don’t stop, I’ll-- oh my god-- I’ll come.  Fuck, I’m gonna come.”

“I’m not gonna stop,” you promised, “I wanna make you come.”

“Fuck.”

“I want you to come inside me, Chris.”

“Fuck!”

You sped up a bit, leaning in to him so all you had to do was buck your hips and his cock would brush against your clit on its way into you with each thrust.

You weren’t sure what it was that made you ready to come so quickly, but him being on the edge was pushing you over as well.

“Yes, oh my god, yes,” you hissed as pleasure washed over you, and suddenly he was wrapping an arm around your hips and pulling you down onto him as he came inside you.

“Fuck,” he groaned, “baby…”

You stilled against him as you began to catch your breath, laying your head on his shoulder.

“I didn’t last very long, did I?” he whispered.

“Nope,” you laughed.  “Me either, though.”

“I’ll go ahead and blame the booze,” he shrugged, but then he turned his face to look down at you and tuck your hair behind your ear.

“We should do this again sometime,” you suggested, already drifting into sleep and hoping he would carry you to the bed at some point.

“Sober?”

“Sure.”

“After a nice dinner?”

“Or before.  I’m flexible.”

[deniigi]

MORE POLYCULE SHIT

here this is mostly Sam/Ned from Matt’s POV. (this piece assumes Matt didn’t know about the negotiations until later)

Title: soda bottles

Summary: Matt finds out about Sam’s involvement with Ned and then with Peter’s polycule. He tries to talk to Sam about it, but fails. On like, every front.

---------------

The apprentice told him to stay out of his room and his life and his business and he should have known better by now, truly.

Matt knew that voice. And he also knew that what Sam, Samuel, Sammy-my-darling was doing right now at this present moment was giggling.

Unacceptable. There would be no joy in this house.

Matt removed himself from the door and declared war in silence.

 ---

 The dogs were instrumental in luring Samuel out to open space. And by luring, Matt meant knocking on his bedroom door with leashes in hand and asking Sam if he wanted a walk.

In no time Matt had zero leashes and zero dogs and, while he was at it, zero apprentices.

In fact, he had been abandoned.

In his own house.

Again.

How did this keep happening?

 ---

 Foggy told Matt to let Sam have his little crush on Ned. Ned was a good boy. Foggy had maintained this for years. He skirted around the fact that he’d grabbed Ned’s shoulders when he was 17 and had told him to stare him in the eyes and to never fall in love with his best friend.

Matt pointed this out to him and got a pillow to the face, then a huff and an uncalled-for reminder that he was a fucking idiot and no one loved him.

This was Foggy’s love language though, so Matt didn’t take it to heart. Instead, he abandoned him for the only person in the world who truly understood him.

Jenn.

 ---

  Jenn had to spend fifteen minutes cooing over the fact that Matt had acquired an apprentice and then she had to spend another ten being an asshole about it and then she spent a solid 5 making dad jokes at him when he tried to talk and so he waited until she was done with her cackling and personal jabs.

She told him that it was cute that Peter’s bestie was gushing over Matt’s apprentice.

She told him that he should be happy for them.

And Matt was. Happy for them, that is.

He was thrilled.

Sam’s track record with long-term partners, as far as Matt could tell, was a solid nil for nil. The boy refused to be attached to anyone, which Matt totally got.

But it was like standing by, watching your own young moronic self making a series of unfortunate decisions that were not only whole unnecessary, but also had solutions within easy reach, like headstones in a damn cemetery.

Sam had a string of guys and girls that he’d picked up at clubs and bars and fuckin’ hipster literature readings downtown who were literally, actually falling over themselves to be with him. And he texted them and laughed about them and joked with Leilani and Achara about them, and then never spoke of them ever again.

Matt got it, okay?

He’d been that guy.

Maybe a little more on the jock side of things and maybe a little less, say, refined than Sammy—but he still got it. A slightly longer relationship was good for Sam. And Ned was a good egg—no, a great egg.

But he just couldn’t shake this feeling, Jenn.

He didn’t even know what it was, but it made him paranoid and want Sam to go back to the self-destructive nonsense, because at least Matt knew what that felt like. He could push back against that after dumping the kid out of the ring in training.

“Matty,” Jenn said affectionately, “You’re trying to protect Sam, Ned, and Peter. But you don’t have to do that. They’re all grown. Let them make their decisions.”

Ooooohohoho

How dare she.

Matt knew they were grown. Sam was nearly 25. Peter was almost 27—oh god, Peter was almost 27. FUCK. Jesus. Lord. Someone—Christ.

Sammy was a baby.

He couldn’t be playing with these big kids, he’d have his heart broken.

What if Ned got bored of him, Jenn??

Matt couldn’t beat the shit out of Ned. Ned was a good boy. And Peter would lose his damn gourd and that was how Matt would end up under two tons of concrete and rebar with an angry spider perched on top, stomping and spitting.

“Matt,” Jenn said soothingly. “Peter learned how to be polyamorous from you, dear heart.”

Oh shit.

Oh right.

Oh no.

“I’ve gotta go,” Matt said. “Lovely talking to you, next time you’re in town, come around for a foursome or a twosome or a three if Kirsten’s down—okay BYE.”

Jenn laughed at him when he hung up.

Matt clutched at his chest.

 ---

 He’d inadvertently taught Peter what polyamory looked like by flinging himself down on many disgusting surfaces and moaning and writhing in agony and despair about Foggy being monogamous and everyone in the world being unspeakably brilliant and strong and no-doubt gorgeous.

Fuckin’ Kirsten.

Fuckin’ Wade.

Fuckin’ Karen.

And Heather and Marci and ONE TIME ONLY Frank.

UGH.

Disgusting. Matt needed Lysol to scrub that moment of weakness from his brain.

The point was that he’d been a chump, and baby Peter had observed these various moaning sessions and had apparently, at some point, started taking notes.

Gah.

Peter. Why?

Stop loving your friends. Stop copying me. Get your own breakdown material.

Uuuuuuugh.

Okay, okay. Rally, Murdock. It’s fine.

This is simply a conversation to have with Sammy about how to negotiate such--hng. Actually maybe this was a Kirsten conversation.

 ---

 He went to visit Kirsten.

He got a little distracted because Kirsten was Kirsten and she required thorough smelling and like, minimum two kisses and she deserved to have at his bare chest if she wanted it—who was he to deny her—THE POINT.

The point. Was.

That he told Kirsten about things and she told him not to talk about work when she was taking her shirt off, and he told her to leave it on for just like, five minutes longer and that came out wrong and she was insulted and Matt had to backtrack for half an hour.

But he got there in the end, alright?

Kirsten said she didn’t know that Sam was polyamorous.

Matt said that he didn’t know if he was, but he sure as shit was flirting with Ned like, constantly.

Kirsten said that that explained why Sam kept telling her that he couldn’t come to dinner with them because he already had a date. Kirsten then went rigid and said, “Wait, you mean Ned-Ned?”

Yes.

Yes, Matt did.

“Oh.”

Correct reaction.

“Is that—do you think that’s –hm.”

Correct reaction maintained and appreciated. Matt no longer felt like a monumental ass.

“That might be a little, uh, cuttin’ it close there,” Kirsten said. “Does Peter know?”

Presumably. Ned couldn’t lie for shit.

“Maybe we should ask Peter what the negotiations there are. He’s pretty on top of that stuff.”

Shockingly, that was true.

Good plan.

“If Sammy’s gonna get involved with them, then he should at least know what he’s getting into,” Kirsten said.

Yes, but also—why is this feeling happening, Kirsten, beloved life partner number 2?

“Oh, that? That’s called ‘you’re a territorial dick,’” Kirsten said. “Get over yourself.”

“But he’s 24,” Matt said. “A child.”

“He’ll be twenty-five in a few months, Matthew,” Kirsten said. “That’s bad-decision-making prime-time. This is inevitable. My concern is that he’s not going into a relationship with Ned, thinking that he’s the primary partner there.”

Okay, fair.

“Are we done with this conversation now?”

Yes.

“Thank god. I hate your dad impulses. Cleanse yourself of them and get on the bed.”

Would do.

 ---

 Kirsten made Matt call Peter and be awkward for the both of them which, Matt would like it stated for the record, was extremely unfair and manipulative of her.

Peter told him that Sam was fine.

Peter told him that he and Sam had maybe fooled around a little bit without Matt and Foggy and Kirsten’s knowledge which was. Hm.

Troublemakers. Stop laughing, Franklin. This is nothing like the time we inducted Kirsten into our life and lied about it to everyone we knew for 3 years.

Nothing.

Peter thought not. Peter thought that Sam had told Matt about this whole thing. He then got a little huffy and said that Ned was the one who had swept Sam off his feet while Peter had been standing right there, man. As Spiderman. Primed for feet-sweeping.

That was satisfying.

Peter took the next ten minutes to complain about how Sam didn’t want to talk to him as much as he wanted to talk to Ned and how Ned was always begging off dinners with Peter and MJ to go have dinner with Sam and how Peter and MJ had to make do with Johnny in his absence.

Matt would never understand why Peter pretended that he and Johnny Storm were nothing more than fuck buddies, but okay, sure. If that’s what helps you sleep at night, little lion man.

Peter went on to say that the worst part of Sam and Ned’s mutual obsession was how fucking cute it was.

Disgusting, Peter maintained.

There were matching bracelets and drawn out decisions about matching sneakers. And there was nattering on until past midnight about Transformers lore and there was non-stop texting and complaints about various tools and coding languages and all this shit that Peter’s own flavor of nerd had diverged from about six years ago.

Kirsten made a little squeak that told Matt that she was highly entertained by Peter’s ‘complaints.’

It sounded more to Matt like Peter and MJ were hunkered down behind the couch, narrating all Ned’s behavior to Johnny (the totally uninvolved fuckbuddy) in whispers.  

Foggy curled up on the edge of their own couch to muffle his wheezy giggles.

Exhausting.

The youth were exhausting. How had no one just shot Matt straight through the heart at 27?

“I will speak to Sam about emotional repression,” he promised Peter only to receive a “NO WAIT” from both him and, from the sound of it, MJ and (only fuckbuddy) Johnny a little ways away.

Peter hurriedly explained that Sammy was really shy and skittish about being around their polycule and had just connected with Ned as the least threatening member and it had taken ages, so please don’t say anything and destroy all of the rest of their hard work.

This hit a strange note.

Foggy and Kirsten weren’t snickering anymore either.

Sam?

Wasn’t?

Shy?

Like, if anything, Sammy was shameless. Always lying in people’s laps and snatching their open hands to swing back and forth.

Sure, he was teasing. But shy? Shy?

Sam was sick.

“No,” Peter said. “Double D, he’s not sick.”

Very sick. Terminally ill.

“DD. He’s not sick.”

Bullshit. Matt was taking him to the doctor. Too bad, Sam. You couldn’t avoid it forever.

“Matt. He’s just. Emotionally. Repressed. You should recognize it because its your whole way of being.”

Wow, hadn’t this conversation been going on for a while now? Time to go.

“MATT. Leave him alone,” Peter said. “I’m looking after him, okay? Chill.”

Chill. Yes. Okay, fine. Matt would chill.

For now. Goodbye, Peter.

 ---

 Matt hadn’t chilled about anything in his life and he didn’t intend to start now. So instead he confronted the apprentice.

The apprentice leaned very hard against his door and told Matt that he would rather die than speak of such things, so Matt told him to bare his neck.

Sammy was convinced. But only just.

He made himself frighteningly small and grumpy on his bed and allowed Matt to sit only on the last four inches of it. Matt kind of wanted to take the opportunity to teach him how to hiss.

But alas. That was a skill for another time.

“I talked to Peter,” he said.

Sam mumbled.

“He says you’re shy. Are you feeling okay?”

Sam mumbled in a more prolonged, growly kind of way. He was muffled by something. Probably jeans. Or sweats. Hard to tell.

“Why are you being shy? We both know you’re not shy. Ned’s a nice boy,” Matt told him. “You can trust him.”

Sam jerked his body in some way strongly enough to make the bed shake.

Matt sighed.

“Sam,” he said.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Sam said.

“Listen, kid,” Matt said. “You’re gonna do what you want. You’re grown, those are your decisions to make. But if you’re ever uncomfortable or you want to spend time with one person in particular, you’ve gotta communicate that to the others. I know that’s not like, smoothly done or whatever. But it’s what you’ve gotta do in these kinds of relationships.”

Sam made an unhappy sound.

“I don’t want a relationship,” he said quietly.

Ehn.

Same, pal.

They’re a lot of work.

“They’re worth it,” Matt promised him. “And it’s okay to be a little in love, you know. I’m in love every day. It’s not shameful. You don’t have to hide it.”

Sam huffed.

“People’ll stare,” he finally said. “If we ever went out. People would stare.”

Ahhh.

“That’s what you think,” Matt said. “But then you go and do it and it turns out that no one actually cares. People are very self-centered, Sam. You spend all this time worrying about how others perceive you and, at the end of the day, 90% of people literally don’t care. You don’t have to talk to Ned in your room all the time.”

Sam did something with his body that concentrated it even further into a dense mass.

“I like him,” he admitted. “He’s nice.”

Matt hummed.

“He’s a peaceful person,” he said.

“He talks so I don’t have to,” Sam said.

Aw.

Matt felt across the bed and eventually found Sam’s cheek to pinch.

“So shy for such a loudmouth,” he teased.

Sam bit his hand. Matt snickered.

“It’s okay, when I met Fogs I was shy, too,” he said.

Sam grumbled.

“It’s true,” Matt said. “Could not fathom having another human around who I didn’t have to put on an act for.”

He waited.

Sam didn’t even seem to realize that his heart was slowing down.

“I don’t like talking all the time,” he said after a long few beats.

Matt ruffled his hair.

“Ned knows a lot about Star Wars,” he said.

“And computers,” Sam added.

“And code,” Matt said.

Sam’s foot shook a little. Matt schooled his face. Sam crunched into a tighter ball.

Adorable.

Matt got up.

“Long distance is rough,” he said. “Maybe you guys can watch a movie together.”

Sam made a disgruntled sound. Matt left him to be miserable.

 ---

 “You’ve sure turned your opinion around.”

Yes, Husband. Matt had indeed. But that was because Sam was clearly and obviously suffering as a result of this crush, which was precisely where Matt needed him to be.

Misery was familiar. Resentment was nearly as good as spite in terms of skill development.

Dopey-ness was asking for trouble.

“Matt, you cannot be serious.”

Oh, but he could.

“Matthew, what did you tell that boy?”

Nothing he didn’t need to know.

Foggy abandoned him at the table. Matt sipped his coffee. It tasted oh-so-sweet.

 ---

 Things did not change until Matt got a text from Peter that said simply ‘when the fuck is Sam’s birthday?’

In February. Why was he asking?

Peter said ‘damn. Okay, thanks.’

Peter then said that he’d seemed a little sad lately and Ned was freaking out about it and fixating, so they were collectively looking for an excuse to cheer Sam up a little.

Oh, Matt realized. No, that wasn’t sad.

The night nurse had given Sammy the good drugs after last week. He was high as a kite, bless him. Kept running into walls and shit. Matt had dragged him up out of the dog beds twice now.

He informed Peter of the damaged elbow and got nothing but keyboard smashes in return.

This was followed by Sam stumbling out of his room and half up the stairs to make pitiful sounds when he couldn’t make them stay still long enough to climb the rest of them. Foggy shook his head and told Matt to go “strap that kid to the bed, for god’s sake. He’s gonna tear more stitches. And go text for him before he drops his phone again.”

Sammy was coming along great.

He held his phone out to Matt when Matt came down to stand over him on the stairs.

“They’re yellin’,” he slurred.

Yeah, Matt figured.

“Bed,” he said.

“It’s too hot,” Sam said.

No, pathetic ball of humanity. That was the fever, bud.

“Open the window,” Matt said.

“I have a window?”

Bless.

“Up you go,” Matt said.

“DON’T TOUCH ME. Nooooo. Teach, noooooo.”

 ---

 MM: Peter stop texting him. he can’t read his texts rn. Zero tolerance for opioids.

PP: for WHAT

MM: he’s fine. lightly stabbed. Fractured elbow.

MJ: MATT

MM: yes?

MJ: tell him to get better for us

NL: ;__; please?

MM: he will be fine. He’s supposed to be sleeping this off.  

MJ: can you keep us updated?

MM: why

PP: he’s our partner?

MM: ?

MM: I thought he was Ned’s main

NL: AJDF:AKSDFJASDFa

NL: DOES HE TALK ABOUT ME??

MJ: dude

NL: my b my b sry sry

NL: does he talk about me DD?

MM: no

NL: cool cool cool that’s fine

PP: ned

NL: it’s casual that’s cool

MJ: oh my god

NL: it doesn’t mean anything. That makes sense.

MM: peter what is happening?

PP: ned has decided that no texting means that sam hates him and no longer wants to be part of our relationship

NL: TELL HIM IM SORRY

PP: remember how you told me I have rejection issues?

MM: Ned he’s fine. He’s not mad. He’s high.

NL: [pikawat.png]

MJ: *coughs*

NL: oh shit my bad. I mean.

NL: what do you mean?

MM: I mean he likes you. He just hates talking about weaknesses. Ergo he hates talking about you.

MJ: ah, yes. I see now. The superhero logic. The forest has reappeared before me.

NL: OWO

MM: what does this mean?

PP: it’s a face. Like a super interested cat

NL: shut up

NL: so he likes me back?

MJ: no

PP: no

MM: I presume so? I don’t know kid. I just said he doesn’t talk about it.

NL: DD I will pay you in computer repairs to find out for me

MM: to find out if Sam likes you??

NL: yes

MM: what part of his obsession is confusing you

MJ: ASHDAF:SDF

PP: harsh

NL: all of it.

NL: okay so here’s the thing. We got like, matchy matchy stuff, right? Cause that’s what couples do. But he never wears his?? And like, we’ve been playing these games online, like, trying to beat each other, but he just stops playing halfway through? And if we’re watching a movie, it’s fine for the first half, but then he gets quiet and I just end up nattering away about nothing for like an hour and I can’t read the silence DD. I can’t read it. And Peter’s a liar

PP: okay no it is WELL established that I can’t lie what are you even talking about

NL: and he keeps going on about how sam’s shy, but he’s NOT shy. And we were fine until this week, but like, obviously, he’s high and not reading his messages and stuff, but idk am I making this into a big deal? From your end?

MM: What was that face, Peter?

PP: OwO

MM: OwO

MJ: ASDFAeirwieawewdflajwe

MJ: NED LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO THE OLD MAN

NL: SHUT UP. DD, please. Help me. Should I apologize? Is he bored of me? Does he want more time with Peter?

PP: what

PP: no pal I’m just a piece of ass in this situ

MJ: as you should be

PP: awwww

MM: ned Sammy’s fine?

NL:  omg ‘sammy’ that’s really cute do you think he’d mind if I called him that? You know. If he ever speaks to me again?

PP: DD just tell him everything is fine so we can all go to sleep without being woken up every 20 min for a crisis.

MM: I literally don’t know. He doesn’t talk about any of you.

NL: can you sneaky-ninja ask him?

  Matt could not with these children. Sam’s heartbeat was evening out. He was nearly back to sleep. Matt’s back couldn’t take hauling him up off the stairs in another half an hour, so he was going to stay right where he was, that was for damn sure.

“Samuel, you are dating three different flavors of spazz,” he told him.

Sam wriggled over and snuffled into his duvet.

Matt decided that that was an affirmative.

  MM: he says you’re all dramatic and to leave him alone to sleep.

NL: ;__;

PP: ned that is not rejection

NL: ok

MJ: this is embarrassing

NL: I’m just gonna crawl under the floorboards and waste away👍

PP: for fuck’s sake this is me-levels of drama

NL: DD can you tell him that if he’s ever down to just watch shit as friends that’s okay too?

MJ: NED. Matt’s literally out of this loop. And Sam’s probably unconscious.

MM: can confirm is now unconscious. I am exiting your drama.

PP: Dude remember when I said I was gonna drown myself in the sea? You are reaching those levels

NL: I JUST LOVE HIM

  Oh, aw.

  NL: And it’s okay if he doesn’t feel the same way, that’s okay, I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t like uncomfortable. I can text him less and let him do his work things and we don’t have to organize shit on the weekends. It’s totally fine

  These fuckin’ kids.

Matt grabbed Sam before he cracked his head against the wall and felt around for something to put between his forehead and it.

He fumbled out his phone in the meantime.

“Samuel,” he said into it, “When you wake up, come upstairs before taking the next pill.”

 ---

 Sam was in pain and grumpy as shit and his mood did not improve as he read through Matt’s messages.

“Two days and everyone loses their goddamn minds,” he said.

Pretty much.

“Ned loves you,” Matt teased.

“Ned needs one of those happy pills,” Sam deadpanned.

Hm. How about no?

Sam groaned and carefully melded himself to the table.

“Why don’t you wear the matchy-matchy stuff?” Matt asked, setting a bag of icy water on Sam’s shoulders. He made a soft sound of relief.

“I don’t want to get ‘em dirty,” Sam hummed.

Hm.

“Maybe if you wore them out a little bit, Ned would like that,” Matt offered.

Sam mulled this over.

“Nah,” he said. “I’ll just tell him I wear it to sleep.”

Matt was so proud.

He missed Foggy coming in halfway through that discussion.

He did not miss the lecture Foggy laid on both of them about lying to loved ones.

 ---

 Matt decided that Sam was far, far more emotionally repressed than he’d given the kid credit for. He was tickled pink.

Kirsten and Foggy were not. They called this ‘concerning behavior’ that needed ‘to be monitored in case of hidden injuries and self-harm.’

And like, man, it was as if they’d hard experience with this shit or something.

Matt decided to bypass their waffling and cornered Sam by trapping him in his duvet and demanding to know if he was hiding any injuries or self-harm.

Sam told him to get out of his room. His heartbeat did not react to the accusations, but rather to Matt’s ‘giant, heavy, albatross body’ assaulting him in his safe place.

Matt decided that this was proof that the emotional repression was, as he had always argued, doing exactly what it needed to: making Sam three times more functional as a human being.

Foggy took from that explanation that Matt was lying to him again.

Which, like, obviously.

But did Foggy need to know any of that?

Fuck no.

Only happy times with Matt Murdock here.

Smiling was somehow the wrong answer.

Smiling resulted in yelling. And then lots of loud heartbeats. And then something that looked a little like a fight, probably, to people with working eyes. But Matt knew that it wasn’t that.

It was just Foggy being hurt that Matt couldn’t tell him that Foggy’s homesickness was digging holes in his own resolve and mental wellbeing.

Sam popped up when Foggy went to go lay down to calm down and asked if everything was okay.

Matt told him it was.

Sam’s heart was not convinced. It started beating faster somehow.

Matt fully anticipated the texts that arrived later that night.

 ---

 PP: yo DD, you guys okay?

MM: why

PP: ‘cause Sam’s freaking out saying that you and Foggy were shouting again?

MM: ah

MM: no we’re okay. No biggie

PP: I smell bullshit

MM: carry on smelling then

PP: Matt do you ever think about how you’re like, an example to us all of how not to live?

MM: beg your pardon?

PP: I just mean like, you do shit and we all learn from your shit. Like, every day.

MM: ?

PP: Sam like dumped a pile of lies he’d been telling Ned in his lap and started crying for like half an hour and apologized for another 40 minutes and then hung up and won’t answer his phone.

MM: what was that face again? The cat one?

PP: OwO

MM: OwO

PP: lol

 ---

 The apprentice was perhaps absorbing too much too fast. He flat out denied having had any emotional crisis.

His heart was dead even when he said it. He was getting too good at out-maneuvering that trick.

“Peter seems to think that you had one the other night,” Matt mused.

“Peter needs to mind his own business,” Sam sniffed.

Aha.

“You like Peter,” Matt pointed out.

“He’s fine,” Sam said.

“Fine or fine?”

“That’s nasty, Teach. Don’t be gross. That’s like your little brother.”

Oh, sure it was.

“If Peter is sussing out your lies, you’re not doing a good enough job,” Matt said. “What you need, kiddo, is an aura and a starting point.”

Sam paused in making a horrible grating noise with some tool in his hand.

“A starting point?” he asked.

Why yes, apprentice.

As in, if you start off with your walls up and don’t let them buckle so easily, so many of these problems can be avoided.

“Isn’t that, like, the opposite of what Foggy said to do?” Sam asked suspiciously.

Well, technically. The husband might be correct for normal humans, but they weren’t normal humans. And as much as Matt loved him and thought he was brilliant, Foggy would never truly grasp that Matt needed those lies.

He needed the repression. The bottling. The anger.

He needed all that shit to be shaken up in him and then capped by the helmet every night.

Doing that kept Matt safe. It kept others safe.

It wasn’t fun and it wasn’t pretty and yeah, Matt was pretty fucked up because of it.

But Stick hadn’t been wrong about everything.

Not even he could be wrong about everything.

“It’s called balance,” Matt said. “Think about it like this. You’re a teacher. You’re about to walk into a new class. You need to establish a respectful relationship between yourself and these kids. How do you do it? Do you start off nice? Or do you start off strict?”

Sam said nothing.

“I start off strict,” Matt said. “Because it’s infinitely easier to become nicer and to keep respect than it is to start off nice and get meaner.”  

Sam processed this.

“This sounds like an anti-Foggy sentiment,” he said.

No. It wasn’t anti-Foggy. Nothing was anti-Foggy.

“It’s nuance,” Matt said. “Intrapersonal relationships? Minimal repression. Interpersonal relationships, maximum repression. Don’t give them something to use against you”

Sam’s teeth clicked together as he worked his jaw.

“Talk to Ned and Peter,” he said. “Walls up to everyone else.”

Everyone else. Yes.

“I can do that.”

Yeah, Matt knew. Sam did it to pretty much anyone he didn’t immediately take a liking to at the firm.

“I can do that,” Sam repeated.

Woah. Wait. Hold on there, slugger. Nuance, remember?

“I’m just gonna hate the entire world,” Sam said. “Thanks, Teach. That’s a big help.”

 ---

 PP: Matt

MM: Peter

PP: you know that Sam fucks with you daily right?

MM: …I forget sometimes

PP: lol you guys are funny

  That little shit. Fine.

Do whatever. See if Matt cared.

Goddamn kids and their goddamn love affairs.

Whatever. Fuck ‘em.

Let them learn the bullshit on their own time. Matt had better things to do.

 ---------------

Matt and Foggy and Kirsten have their own polycule goin on with folks entering and leaving it as need be. And sometimes you just have to make Sam/Ned content because it is unerringly adorable.

[bates--boy]

“Okay, closer! Remember that this is the best day of your life! Terra, soften the lights!”

         If Peter said right then and there that he knew that modeling was hard from his “experience”, he’d be a liar just trying to soothe his worries and ego. His experience before this was chump work, and none of the filtering, editing, and social media marketing would have prepared him for even an iota of this type of work. Firstly, he had grossly underestimated how long this would take, and it definitely did not take the two or three minutes it would take to snap a selfie, or even the the half hour to get his makeup and hair in order. 

        Secondly, there had to be photos of everything. A toast at the table, Burak carrying Peter down the bridge, Burak making Peter wonder if the universe hated him by brushing away hair and cupping his cheek, Peter taking solo shots in a grayscale room for every. single. dress that the stylists picked for him. Posing on the swings, dancing to nonexistent music, lounging on a leather chair. Pierre wanted photos in as many angles as he can imagine, and fuck how beautiful Burak was, fuck how dazzling and breathtaking Peter felt in the dress once he became used to the silicone breasts -- Peter was ready to bite someone’s nose off by the fifth hour.

          "Alright, everyone, break time!” the manager, whose name Peter also hadn’t gotten but was too frazzled to even want to bother with, called out as she waved people over to the food table.

         Peter knew that if he was going to barrel through the estimated next six hours of this, he should have something nutritious in his stomach, but the bubbly golden champagne called out to him. He downed one glass at the table and carried another to the gazebo steps. His feet hurt, his everything hurts -- how does modeling hurt the body? How the fuck does that happen in a bridal photoshoot? -- but especially his feet, and once he sat down on the step, Peter unfastened the heels and peeled them off. 

        “This is not worth the money,” Peter grumbled, reaching down to rub one of his feet with his free hand. He winced and hissed through his teeth. “Fucking Christ on a dildo...”

        “You totally sound like a bridezilla right now.”

         Peter recognized the voice (because of course, he did) before his eyes snapped up to find Burak ambling over, carrying a plate piled with pastries and pieces of fruits and a bottle of wine with an empty glass. Peter couldn’t even find it in himself to be excited that this Michelangelo sculpture was coming to sit with him, and the alone time in this picturesque setting they were likely to spend together. He was just so drained and sore. Like a cat, a part of Peter wanted some alone time alone, to hide away and lick his invisible wounds and ponder why he was doing this when he knew that, even if his crew had enough money to buy that coveted studio, they weren’t going to get anywhere. Still, he didn’t protest when Burak took a spot next to him and sat the wine and food between them. 

         “You should eat something,” Burak offered oh, so helpfully as he filled his glass.

          “Thanks,” Peter drawled. He plucked a hulled strawberry from the plate and popped it into his mouth. He made sure to lean a little forward so that whatever juice may slip out won’t get to his dress.

       “You’re welcome,” Burak replied. “So, I take it you’re new to this?”

       Peter started to shake his head, ready to draw on his social media and webcam modeling experience, but he thought better of it. Why bother conflate the two for his ego? “Pbbbbbbbbt, yeah,” he answered. He raised his flute to his mouth. “Why? Was it that obvious?”

       “Yeah,” Burak nodded. 

       Peter’s hand stopped, then lowered as a brow rose. “How?”

       “Well, besides the fact that you look like you’re ready to collapse or claw someone’s eyes out? You constantly have to be told to tone it down and you look ready to run every time we have to act out something intimate.”

       “So, I just look unnatural?” Peter looked away and downed much of his drink in one go.

       “Yeah, but it was likely to happen,” Burak bit into a pastry. “I mean: how did you, a guy, get hired as a bridal model?”

        Peter didn’t sense anything offensive in Burak’s tone, just simple curiosity, so he replied honestly with a lazy shrug, “I don’t know. I actually applied for the groom position.”

        “Pffft, oops. Sorry about that. Well, that dress looks lovely on you.”

       “Thanks. That was one of the reasons they hired me as the bride.”

        “Hm...”

        Then silence came. Burak watched the photoshoot crew as he ate his cream cheese bear claw, and Peter watched the shiny of the sun glint off his glass as he slowly waved the flute around. 

       Polishing off the last bite of his bear claw, Burak asked, “So, how is your first professional photoshoot going so far?”

       Peter perked up, smile stretched from cheek to sore cheek. If his hands weren’t occupied with the champagne, he would have given a little clap to sell the reply. “Oh, it is fantastic! Wonderful! My body hurts, this dress itches, the hair care products feel cheap as shit and I’m sure I’m going to break out tomorrow, and I am never doing this shit ever again!”

        Burak leaned back, blinking. He cleared his throat. “Ah... wow. Well, it’s good that you figured it out before you really committed to the modeling career.”

        “I didn’t do this to get a modeling career.”

          “Oh?”

         Peter shook his head and took a breath. “No, I took on this gig to earn money to buy a studio.”

         “A studio...?”

        “Recording studio. For me and my music crew.”

         Now it was Burak’s turn to perk up, and truthfully, seeing interest light his face did make Peter feel better. “You make music?”

       “Yeah. I’m part of this new group called The MizFists. We’re a hip-hop collective.”

        “Hey! My cousin likes hip-hop! Do you have any music posted anywhere? I can tell her about it.”

        And Peter, all wide eyes as he watched Burak take his phone out of his pocket and swiped on the screen. “Oh! Oh, uh, yeah. Our website is M-I-Z-F-I-S-T-S dot com. All of our youtube channels and Bandcamp accounts are on there.”

       “Huh, never seen it spelled like that before...” Burak shrugged.

       “Well, we would have went with the proper spelling, but, you know, another group already has it, and we’re too broke for copyright lawsuits.”

        “It’s a cool name, still,” Burak said. He made sure the message had sent before placing his phone back into his pocket. He ate a piece of mango. “If my cousin decides to go to one of your concerts, I’ll have to tag along.”

       That... should not have been as easy as that. Sure, it’s likely that Burak’s cousin will dismiss their group as crappy wannabes, but still, the fact that Burak even shared their name like that... 

       And the food and bottle (which Burak had in his hand to refill Peter’s glass) -- Peter wanted to ask what was Burak’s goal here. Because who was this jovial with a cross-dressing stranger? Peter had to remind himself that not everyone had an ulterior motive for niceties, he still sought a way, an opportunity, to give this man the stink-eye and a “What’s your endgame, buddy?”

       Taking a drink, Burak passed his tongue over his disgustingly perfect lips and said, “So, since you’re pretty much a rap expert, you wouldn’t mind telling me if this verse--” and he did that weird cool guy rapper hand gesture, “--is fire, would you?”

       “Heh heh, go ahead!” Peter prompted, with that eyebrow raised once more in amusement this time.

       “Okay, okay!” Burak set his glass down and placed a hand on his chest and held the other in front of his face like a microphone.

       Burak stared at Peter, the hunched over bride shaking with his face twisted to hold in a laughter, his own face feigning a cold serious.

         Me and da babe looking heckin’ cool

         After school, hittin’ up the party pool

        Sitting on the grill of the big Bugatti

        All slutty, all thotty

        A couple rock stars making it rain at the pool

      They burst out laughing.

      And Peter didn’t even know why he was laughing; Burak was cute, and it was sweet that he came over here to chat, but it wasn’t funny, not that funny. Maybe it was the earnestness in the humor, or the needed release of stress. Whatever the reason, Peter dabbed at the tear in his eye. Thank goodness for the waterproof stuff.

       “You know? You might have something there,” he chuckled. “You’re definitely the new Will Smith!”

       “Pfffft, please! I am way better than Smith!” Burak tossed his hair. “But I’m going to let my cousin know that she was wrong, that an actual, bona fide rapper said I got some skills!”

        “Shit, if we’re ever looking for another member, we’ll hit you up,” Peter said, taking a grape.

       “Looking forward to it!”

After a friendly elbow nudge, Burak continued, "Seriously, that's cool that you're this serious about your music that you're doing this. I can tell that you're gonna go far. But I hope you don't drop this line of work, because you have a bit of potential in modeling, too. Who knows, you'll probably get famous enough that you'll have clothing brands begging you to model for them, and you don't want to pass up on those deals, would you?"

"Nah, I guess not..." The smile on Peter's painted lips dimmed, and he pursed them until he allowed himself to ask, "Uh... Why are you being so nice to me?"

Burak tilted his head. Oh, god, now he looked like a puppy. An irresistible puppy. "Am I not supposed to be?"

"No, it's just that, er... I thought that supermodels had to be brutal because, you know, this industry is dog-eat-dog."

Burak shook his head. "First of all, I'm not a supermodel; this is just a catalog shoot. Second..." He shrugged. "It felt like you were having a bad time and was uncomfortable around me. And we can't have that for our kissing photos."

For the slow way the words processed through Peter's psyche, his body was quick to react in its non-reacting form: body suddenly rigid, temperature swinging from ghostly chill low to loins on fire and I'm a sinner scorching, mind going as blank as his eyes gone wide.

"K... Kissing? We're going to--" Peter bowed his head with his hand over his mouth. "Oh, my god..."

He didn't see Burak's face, but he felt the indignation rolling off the other man who said, "I mean, I like to think I'm not a bad kisser..."

"N-no! No!" Peter lifted his face and waved a hand. "It's not that! I just--"

"Wow!" Burak snorted. "Wow! You are blushing hard!"

Peter gasped. "No, I'm not!" Of course, where they went for top-quality mascara, they'd cheap out on the foundation.

Burak laughed so deeply that he had to set his glass down. "Yes you are! Aw, look how red your ears are!"

"Oh, my god," Peter, once more, groaned. He bent his head so low that the veil fell from behind his back and draped over his shoulders.

So when he felt an arm slink around his waist, he was too unprepared to stop the yelp squeaking out of his mouth. Nor did he have any protection against the medical emergency fever burning through his body when Burak whispered in his ear.

"Don't you worry, Peter: as a gentleman, I promise you that I'll leave your honor intact and will be tender with you."

Whether Burak was serious or joking, it didn't matter when, to Peter, his voice was every bedroom song one to life. But Burak squeezed his shoulder, and when they've locked eyes, Peter could still see some of that sweet earnestness, that urge to lift Peter's mood, and he could help but smile.

"Gee, thanks," Peter tried with as much playfulness as he could muster.

A chuckle pass between them, and then

Flash. Flash.

Both men looked up to find Pierre lowering his camera. "Oh, that was perfect! I have to convince the magazine to use that in their layout."

"Uhhhh..." Peter said. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Reminding you two that break's over," Pierre said. "Now, let's go, we're burning daylight!"

"Well, that was a nice break." Burak stood and brushed the back of his pants. He held out a hand for Peter. "Ready to get back into the dog-eat-dog world of modeling?"

Peter's smirk was lopsided as he took Burak's hand to let him up. "Sure."

[brave-clarice]

“Clarice” Liveblog: Episode 4

Since today is International Women’s Day, I decided a (somewhat) timely viewing might be in order.

she’s running! finally!

what are these unnecessarily graphic autopsy scenes?? what narrative purpose are they serving?

“Tony, don’t be a dick.” Murray sucked in Episode 2, but I’m falling for his bluntness tbh.

“I heard that on a search of Catherine Martin’s apartment...” hey! a book reference!

Clarice didn’t live through Hannibal’s mind games to be manipulated by this chump.

an incredibly weird flex: making Krendler the victim of career sabotage?????

oh boy, I do not like where this Ardelia subplot seems to be going. Ardelia’s ambitious, but she’s also loyal. C.S. + A.M.!

“you’re speaking to me like a roommate about a case I’m investigating.” she IS your roommate, and she literally spoke to you the same way about a case SHE was investigating, Ardelia! where was your by-the-book attitude then?

Clarice is not behaving any differently than she has in the past, and Ardelia’s chewing her out over it, like...?

“I would never have compromised you.” I’m sorry, that’s just a nasty, passive comment, and I hate it. :)

“Might be aliens!” Nod to the X-Files? LOL.

“I understand that one of you is a sociopath whisperer and one of you’s a sharpshooter” Clarice is ALSO a sharpshooter!!! WHEN IS THIS GOING TO BE SHOWN?!

And “sociopath whisperer”? she treated Hannibal like a fellow human being with dignity. that’s the secret.

Clarice’s Pinto!

they’re going to BALTIMORE. *waggles eyebrows*

missed opportunity for Clarice to mention that she’s been to Baltimore several times before in her “rattling death trap” (wink!)

yay for casual sexism.

please DO NOT expect me to feel bad for Krendler.

“so James Hoffa is in your crawlspace? He has the Lindbergh baby? That’s great news!” I laughed.

STOP MAKING KRENDLER A GOOD GUY.

behold: someone who might have actually lived in the early 90s!

iirc Ardelia dated somewhat regularly...so idk why she’s being characterized as this standoffish two episodes in a row.

lol, uh, do agents call each other “agent”?

“your friend Clarice, the Bureau decided to shine a light on her. Overnight she’s a star.” easy enough to see how a veteran agent who’s stuck might view Clarice’s situation like that...but that doesn’t make it true. the Bureau didn’t “shine a light” on Clarice--Jack Crawford used her as bait for one of the most notorious serial killers of all time. she almost got killed and recycled. her career never takes off (which I really hope these show-runners remember).

it finally hit me...since they can’t include Jack Crawford, Clarice’s “angel,” they must be trying to combine his character with Krendler’s?

and, uh...it doesn’t work.

“They didn’t do a favor when they threw you to the cannibal.” Hannibal reference!

and yay, some self-awareness from the writers re: all the stuff I just ranted about!

what time of day is it? everyone’s been wearing the same clothes all episode, but a trip to Baltimore from D.C. takes just under an hour one way.

she’s just pretty

Krendler’s excuse for treating Clarice the way he did is so comically stupid. spare us, dude.

but tbh this is the Krendler we should be seeing - shaming Clarice for doing the right thing.

the girls are fighting. :( and for no reason.

honestly...this conflict is so artificial and manufactured for cheap drama and god, I hate it so much.

Ardelia graduated as Academy Valedictorian!!! obviously both race and gender factor into her career path within the Bureau, but that is sure as heck “a leg up”! so why is she telling Clarice “opportunity’s like nothing to you”?!

not to belabor the point, but Clarice’s “opportunity” was to “wheedle a crazy man with come all over [her]” and then to almost die in another crazy man’s basement. no big.

“I love you, but who do you think you’re talking to?” no, Ardelia, who do YOU think you’re talking to???

Ardelia Mapp, ARDELIA FUCKING MAPP, just threatened to report her best fucking friend, goodBYE.

as @special-agent-pendragon​ pointed out, Ardelia knows something about how traumatized this version of Clarice is by what happened in Belvedere (that “opportunity” that made her a “star”). she knows Clarice has mandated therapy sessions, knows that she’s seen multiple men die in front of her in the past few DAYS. she maybe even knows about Clarice’s flashbacks/bad dreams. so knowing all that, it’s downright thoughtless and cruel of her to treat Clarice this way just because she’s angry and bitter.

me too, girl

I hate to see Ardelia get the short end of the bureaucratic stick, but maybe it’s a lesson about priorities that this OOC version of her needs to learn.

Krendler sacrificing himself to save his team...a lamb, if you will... surejan.jpg

their person of interest purchased a ticket to BUENOS AIRES.

“I graduated second in our class” no! she was valedictorian! is this show’s Achilles heel really going to be Ardelia Mapp?!

systemic racism is a theme worth highlighting just as much as the sexism that brings down Clarice’s career. I just hope they don’t throw Ardelia’s awesome character away to do it.

no one as brilliant as Ardelia should be surprised that the Good Old Boys were using her to get at Clarice. they just so happened to pluck her out of cold cases to investigate ViCAP, her best friend/Academy roommate’s team? why is she shocked???

I’m so mad. Ardelia is guilt-tripping Clarice, dumping all her anger and fears about the future on her, and for what? damn, our girls deserve better than this.

there have to be better ways to expound on the theme of racism than the heroine’s closest friend and confidante throwing her under the bus.

Clarice’s boss just called her out for going into a dangerous situation alone without informing anyone of her whereabouts. so what do the writers make her do? that exact same thing! except now she’s an agent with a team, not a trainee on her own. ugh.

and to wrap up by far the worst episode of the series to date, a cliffhanger! #Yikes.

I’m really disappointed. Last week’s episode was a little dull and less than impressive...but this? For all I’ve been complaining about the Clarice-is-traumatized subplot, that was somehow better than whatever this was. Plus, nothing I was critical of last week was addressed or fixed.

The Good: Some funny lines, a Hannibal reference (along with a Baltimore trip and a mention of Buenos Aires), and a couple of good allusions to the novels. Someone telling Clarice that it was wrong for the Bureau to throw her to “the cannibal” as a trainee. (She knows this, it’s just nice to hear it out loud.) Almost no trauma/flashback scenes, thank God. Clarice going for a run! Oh, and Rebecca Breeds is beautiful, as usual...though she, also as usual, doesn’t have much to actually do.

The Bad: Everything else. The Ardelia subplot made me genuinely upset. It’s not necessary for the show-runners to force a conflict between Clarice and Ardelia to get their messages across! Maybe people who haven’t read the books are eating this up, I don’t know. But to me it’s a total betrayal of their dynamic. The costumes are still boring and still not very 90s. There’s no character development. (Except for like...Krendler?) AG Martin and Catherine don’t exist in this episode, making everything from last week feel even more unfocused. They added a new deep state/big government type twist to the existing conspiracy subplot, which...why??

I just didn’t like it.

Clarice still needs better costumes. What she really needs is character development, though. The show-runners don’t think the movie had time to flesh Clarice out very well...but Jodie Foster was given more to do than look sad all the time! Rebecca has shined so far when she’s had the opportunity. Of course the show has to have a plot, but the heroine should also feel like a real person.

Sorry about all the negativity in this one. Hopefully, this is the worst episode of this show we’ll ever have to see and the Ardelia nonsense is resolved next week. I’ll take another week of boring costumes, etc., as they put the canon characters I love back en route to their proper arcs!

[foolscapper]

Spn prompt! I have a HUGE love of incoherent/delirious Sam and panicking/worried Dean, whether it's head injury, curse, blood loss, or dangerously high fever 👉👈

Your wish is my command! It ended up... longer than anticipated... but here you are! Unbeta’d, we die like men. This is weechesters and involves a kid being hurt, so if that’s something that’d bother anyone, feel free to skip over this!

(Posted to Archiveofourown as well.)

Sylvester Sharpe turned from the beat up Ford truck he'd parked on the corner of A Street and Cotton Circle after a voice coolly demanded his attention. The boy  that met his critical stare was about half his age — youthful, maybe somewhere between sixteen or eighteen: dirty-blonde hair; strange old necklace; a charcoal black Led Zeppelin T-shirt, darker with sweat around a neckline littered with holes that implied he really loved that goddam shirt. Sylvester furrowed his brow, put out his cigarette on the lip of a truck bed full of trash and beer bottles and stolen shit he'd been selling to good buddies who know a thing or two about loose lips getting busted, and squinted at the boy like he were pea-sized.

"What?" Sylvester said, the clipped sound one of impatience.

"I said," the freckled boy replied back, terse, "Do they call you 'Sly' around here?"

Sylvester snorted, loose-limbed and careless and ready to move on to the nearest liquor store to get a new pack of Marlboros. He turned toward his open truck door to move along. He said, "Yeah, I'm Sly."

The kid lunged, and they were on ground in a few seconds flat. 

An old man in an ivy cap walking his dog watched as the teenager started to beat the ever-loving shit out of him.

**************** **************** **************** **************** 

You don't mess around when it comes to concussions. Concussions are traumatic brain injuries — sometimes it doesn't feel like that, because you think "oh, well, they just shook some screws loose; they just have some stars circling around their head, and they'll be fine in a few hours". But real life ain't cartoons. 

If there's one thing you could give their old man credit for, it was that he never undervalued a trip to the ER when it came to the safekeeping of his son's brains. Dean had a concussion before, himself. Just before he turned fifteen; got thrown into a wall by a ghost before returning back to their hotel room and vomiting his guts out in a toilet not even worth pissing in. Sam had been about eleven, casting the kindest and most worried shadow over the hunch of Dean's back, rubbing his shoulders and nervously parroting Dad about how he absolutely shouldn't go to sleep, no matter how much he slurred he wanted to.

Dad looked up the nearest ER and drove him down. 

The nurses had to stand there with their mouths in a thin, concerned line while Dean rambled on and on about how he'd caught a Chupacabra in a giant net once in Texas and ganked a vampire last week in Pasadena. And, of course, Dean also asked where Sam was — over and over and over and over — until Sam had to lean forward in his waiting room chair and wave at him, a constant reminder that he hasn't been left behind anywhere. Sam had tired lines around his mouth, then, and worry in his eyes that had been overcast with exhaustion. That's one of the few things Dean could remember about that night. Just thinking, 'Man, Sammy, why you look so tired?'

If he hadn't been so fucking concussed, the answer'd be obvious.

**************** **************** **************** ****************

Stuck in some half-dead town in Nevada in the summer of '95, Dean was more than a little restless; Dad had left them to go wipe a vampire nest a few small towns south, and apparently Dean hadn't been "big britches" enough to handle a hunt of that scope yet. Which was total horseshit, because he was sixteen; he could outdrink any old chump at the bar and he'd gotten a kill list so long that it rivaled a suburban mom's grocery list. 

They settled into an apartment with no furniture save for a two-seated couch and some mattresses — and exactly two months worth of rent covered with no plans to renew — but at least it also had a television with a few channels, too. Sweating from the heat, he traded the urge to hunt with the privilege of kicking up his feet and watching The People's Court. School had ended an hour or so before, but Sammy'd stayed behind for some extracurricular club he'd been practically vibrating to join, and Dean had no plans to shoot it down while Dad wasn't around to comment on it.

There was a small struggle at the front door to unlock it, and Dean listened with a quirked eyebrow.

"You forget how human hands work, Stuart Little?"

The door creaked open a fraction in response, and then stayed that way for a moment. Through the sliver of open air, Dean heard a small sob that made his stomach fall through the couch, and as he swung himself up onto his feet Sam walked through the door and nearly right into him — it was easy to see why, because his right eye was completely swollen shut, purpled and shiny. Dry blood clung under his nose and matted one side of his head, and he swayed on his feet when Dean's hands jolted out to grab his shoulders.  The kid's backpack was nowhere to be seen. Probably dropped and abandoned.

"Sam. Sammy." His hand reached to touch, and he found the bloody, clumped hair hid a lump the size of a golf ball, split and oozing. The kid shuddered with pain, and tears continued to leak down one side of his face. The fear mutates and splits off, leaving a new, fresh wave of emotion: fury. This isn't a monster. These aren't claw marks or some bruise caused by a furious ghost. Some punk-ass kids must have jumped him at the school and left him like this. And his brother walked all the way back here like that. He would even bet they aren't Sam's age. Sam wouldn't have let them do this without a hell of a fight.

He could barely stop the snarl of his lips, the cold calmness. "... Sam, who did this?"

"I don't..." Sam licked his lips, looking around like he wasn't sure where he was. Garbled words took time to form with a tied tongue. Dean could bet if he peeled the other eye open, the pupils would be mismatched in size. "I don't remember. I'm... I don't know. Dean."

The fury had to wait. He moved to walk Sam to the couch, planted him there and squeezed his brother's shoulder; another cold wave of outrage washed over him when Sam winced in pain, like something was hurt there, too. "It's okay. It's okay, little brother, just don't move. I'm going to clean you up, and we're gonna — get you to the urgent care. You hear me? It'll only take a minute."

He got the first aid from the bare kitchen cabinet, dug around for all the things he'd been familiar grabbing any time Dad had gotten his bell rang. He fumbled with the supplies with all the grace Sam had opening the front door. Uttered a sorry before he carefully pressed the gel icepack to Sam's eye. The other eye locked onto him, red and wet, glazed with delirium.

"Dean," Sam wept, and Dean had to focus hard to make out what he was saying: "Dean, I think I'm dead... I tried to find help, but nobody — nobody stopped... I think they can't see me. I think I'm a ghost."

Jesus. Yeah, the kid was concussed. Bad.

"No way. Not my little brother. Never gonna let that happen." His smile was strained as he grabbed Sam's wrist and raised the hand to the boy's own face. "Ghosts aren't big on crying, right? The salt would burn like a bitch."

"Dean..." 

"Yeah?"

"My ears're weird... Sounds weird," he admitted weakly, like he'd done something wrong. 

"It's okay, dude. You're concussed."

"... Oh." Sam sat for a moment. Looked around the small, unlived space. The People's Court was moving into a commercial. "Dean... Don' tell Dad. Don't tellem I messed up."

Dean pressed a palm to Sam's chest, his thumb gently rubbing the hill of his collarbone to soothe him. Usually about now they'd be wrestling over some stupid fight, or he'd be getting him into a headlock to test his reflexes, or Sam'd be throwing pencils at him for interrupting his train of thought at the kitchen table.

"You didn't mess anything up. I promise." It was a Herculean effort to keep his hands soft and caring, because all they wanted to do now was rip someone to pieces. He was gonna. As soon as Sam was good, he was gonna split his knuckles knocking someone's teeth out. He was gonna paint the dirt with it. Gonna blacken both eyes and bleed both nostrils and break a few things in someone's body.

... But only after making sure Sammy'd be alright.

Sam was missing a backpack and about forty bucks in money he'd earned from mowing lawns for the balding, dorky librarian living across the street. That same librarian ushered the boys into the back seat of her Sedan and made a beeline for the nearest ER. With Sam leaning against him, his knobby elbow jutting into his ribs, Dean answered a question nervously asked from the driver's seat.

"I don't know who did it. But I'm real good at hunting down whatever I got to."

**************** **************** **************** **************** 

There was a gratifying sound of Sylvester's skull hitting the side of his own truck after Dean threw him into it headlong. Storming forward, he doesn't hesitate to pick Sly back up by his flannel jacket to do it all over again. "Taking from the grown-ups not good enough for you?! You think you can fucking steal from kids, huh?! Think you can beat up some kid a third your size, huh?! You fuck—"

Wheezing, Sylvester tried to drag himself up into the driver's seat of his truck, a feeble effort to escape his punishments. A small crowd from a barbershop across the street formed, but kept their distance — older ladies mostly who knew better than to put their hands between a dog fight. Dean ignored them to grab Sylvester by the front of his collar and hoist him a foot up from the seat he'd slumped on. Their faces were inches apart, so that he could look into hazel eyes seeing red. "If I ever see you again, I'mma kill you. Do you understand? Do I make myself clear? I'll sleep like a baby after."

Sylvester didn't reply, but he did moan in pain, and Dean considered that an answer. He dropped him and stepped over his heaving chest with dust-stained boots to retrieve a backpack out of the truck bed. Then he reached into the man's jean pocket with swelling knuckles, digging more than forty dollars out of the billfold he finds there and shoving the wad into his own pocket. Then he chucked the rest of the wallet across the unleased dirt field. 

"Go fuck yourself," Dean said finally, and left just as he'd come.

**************** **************** **************** **************** 

Dean and Sam could barely fit on the apartment's couch together, legs crammed together under a quilted blanket while the television had cast an ever-changing glow over them. Sam's face was still a mess of Dean's least favorite colors, but now he could see both of his eyes, and that helped loosen the knot in his stomach. John had been called from the ER, told the story from front to back, and he filled the teenager with grim vindication when he complimented Dean's recent successful hunt. 

The verdict: a 24-hour observation in the hospital, during which John Winchester strode in to keep vigilant watch over Dean as he kept vigilant watch over Sam; he hadn't stopped watching him since they'd gotten home after, either. Dean could hear his father's snores through the door into the one bedroom. Who knows when the last time Dad slept had been; he'd come straight back from the end of the destroyed vamp nest, no pitstops. 

"... Dean?" Sam asked after him, wearily. If he had a nickel for every time the boy said it today, he'd be a millionaire. But there was an awareness in Sam's eyes this time that had been frighteningly missing earlier, as he stared at him from across the short couch. In the ER, it had taken a lot of coaxing and promising that Sam wasn't as dead as he'd thought he was, and now Dean was very confident he finally believed it a day late and a dollar short.

"Yeah?" 

"Your hands."

He glanced down at the bruised, scraped up knuckles, and just shook his head at the sight of Sam's apprehension; he hadn't told Sam exactly what happened, but his brother was smart. Smarter than most people who came and went in their lives. Smarter than Dean had ever felt he could be. He sighed as he flexed his hands. "Don't worry. I'm not going to jail for murder or anything. Just... rest, okay?"

Sam's chin sunk into the blanket. Not appeased, but relenting. 

The battered kid mumbled, "You're the one who looks tired," then he smiled in that way that made Dean regret his bleeding heart. Dean's mouth opened for a moment, then closed. He played it off as best he could, but the rough emotion in the way he glanced aside and rubbed a hand down his mouth  was hardly subliminal. "Yeah, well. Sometimes worrying too much is exhausting, dude."

Sam bit his lip. "I'll try not to worry you as much, then."

Dean reached out, patted the bony knee near his.

"... I might have to hold you to that."

But really? He would never.

[chemicaljacketslut]

Musical Theatre Songs That Make Me Go FERAL

(I had to limit myself to 1 song per musical)

Good For You- Dear Evan Hansen

Brand New Day- Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Into the Night- Firebringer

Made In America- Black Friday

Join Us (And Die)- The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals

Angry Inch- Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Revolting Children- Matilda the Musical

Someone Gets Hurt (Reprise)- Mean Girls the Musical

Don't Lose Ur Head- Six the Musical

Totally Fucked- Spring Awakening

I'm Breaking Down- Falsettos

Twisted- Twisted

Michael in the Bathroom- Be More Chill

The Destruction- Carrie the Musical

Dead Girl Walking (Reprise)- Heathers the Musical

So Much Better- Legally Blonde the Musical

Dead Mom- Beetlejuice the Musical

The Money- 21 Chump Street

Epiphany- Sweeny Todd: the Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Feel free to add to this list!

[seriouslyhooked]

When We Collide (Part 1)

Emma Swan has always known one thing: trust no one but yourself. Unfortunately she forgot her one rule and now she’s paying for it. One bad decision led her to the monstrous ‘Crocodile’ a mobster in New York who goes by the name Gold. Hope seems lost until she meets another person in this underworld, Killian Jones. Despite the place they find each other, a true love blossoms, and they manage to get away. But what will happen when Emma discovers who Killian really is? Will love prevail? Um, yeah, I’m writing this, so duh – it’s all love all the time. Fic features motorcycles, hot guys in leather cuts, and a bit of action/drama. Will end happily, and despite the first chapter, will be light on angst. Available on FanFiction Here and AO3 Here. 

A/N: Hey everyone! Surprise! There’s a new fic I’m here to share with you all, and full disclosure, it is very different than my usual fare. You will be able to tell that from this first chapter, and for some of my readers it might be a bit too much. Not to worry, this is just a prologue of sorts, and next chapter will start in a brighter, more hopeful place (we will flash forward in time). Be advised that there is no graphic violence or anything like that, but the premise of this story involves Emma owing a debt to Gold (a mob boss in New York) that she has to pay. She’s working it off in a bar, but she’s not exactly free to go as she does. That’s a lot angstier of a situation than I ever like to deal with, so it’s temporary, but want to give you all the heads up just so you know. I suspect a lot of you will read this and think it’s not that bad, but I figure it’s best to give everyone the heads up. Anyway, I promise that this story will eventually be just as fluffy and feels-filled as my other stories, and I hope you’ll give it a try, even if you decide to skip this chapter and just join for the next. Also, just to shout out the excellent song that partially inspired this fic, you should all listen to the song ‘Collide’ by Tiana Major9 & EARTHGANG. It’s a really beautiful song, and I hope the fic can embody the feel of it as it continues to unfold. Thanks so much for reading, and hope you enjoy!

Maybe I’ll get lucky and everyone will forget I’m back here, Emma thought to herself as she counted up the bottles on the shelves, taking a quick inventory of what they had for the bar out front.

She also needed to keep this count to protect herself. She’d learned a few days into this gig that Gold’s men loved their liquor and they had a tendency to come back here and take it. Instead of letting them do that and then allowing her and her coworkers to take the blame, Emma came up with a system including locks on the door and an electronic documentation of what they had and when. There was no wifi hook up, obviously, as Gold made sure to keep a strict lock on their surroundings, but it did provide an timestamped trail that proved she was taking nothing from this place. Every night she cashed in her tips with Sydney, the bar’s ‘owner’ but really just Gold’s front man and lap dog, and she watched as the debt she owed grew smaller and smaller. In six more months she’d be free of this and she was doing anything and everything she could to shorten that time.

Thinking about her debt made a flare of anger rise in her belly. Truth was this wasn’t even her fucking debt, it was Lily’s, a woman Emma believed to be her friend. They’d met when they were still kids, both of them runaways, and though time had driven them apart, they reconnected when they realized they were both living in New York. Emma had managed to get steady, honest work and was doing her best to claw up from the nothing that she’d started with in life, and she thought Lily was doing the same. Boy had she been wrong.

It turned out that Lily didn’t pay her part of the rent with anything resembling clean money. She’d worked for Gold, and then she fucked him over and ran, leaving Emma none the wiser and thrust into the fallout of a crime she’d never committed. When that moment came Gold gave her two choices: pay off the money he was owed, or suffer a bit before accepting and still paying, but in a less desirable way. Emma chose the former, and she gave everything she had to the man, but it still wasn’t enough. Lily had managed to get off with almost 50k, and while that was chump change to Gold, it was more than double Emma’s savings. Still she’d promised to get him the money, to give him every paycheck she could, save for her rent and food expenses. But it didn’t satisfy the Crocodile, as people were prone to calling him. Gold decreed that she’d work in the bar and that was that. She’d also been ‘moved’ to one of the apartments above the place. But none of her actual belongings ever arrived. All she had was work uniforms and bare essentials. There was no TV, no phone, no nothing. She’d been graced with tattered linens, the most basic of household essentials (as in one plate, one fork, one of everything) and a bunch of dusty books on ranging topics left from tenants past. She also had a chip on her shoulder, created from the unjustness of this whole situation, pushing her to get out of this shit as fast as she could.

“Yo, Emma, you coming back at some point?” A voice asked from the doorway. It was one of her coworkers, a guy named August who she’d never had much to do with. He seemed pretty okay, but then again, he was here working for Gold and he didn’t even seem to have the whole debt-pay off factor going. That was a huge red flag, and one of the reasons Emma never trusted him much. “We got customers.”

“One minute,” she said, and waited until the door swung closed again. Knowing she was along she closed her eyes and took some steadying breaths, gearing up for what would no doubt be a terrible night.

It’s temporary. You just have a few more months. You’ve survived worse. You can survive this too.

When she felt strong enough to put her mask in place and face the raucous debauchery that awaited her outside, Emma squared her shoulders and headed out. Her eyes had to adjust quickly to the dimness of the lighting, and she took in the stronger scents of stale cigar smoke and piss that always clung to this place. No matter how much they cleaned after hours, there was no getting rid of the odor or the grime. This bar was better off burned to the ground and completely built over, but to the men who frequented it, this place was the closest thing they had to home. The Lair, as the neon sign outside advertised, was a total dive, and it was filled to the brim with low-rate mobsters and criminals.

This was one of those places that Hollywood constantly tried ripping off to no avail. In some ways it was completely corny and predictable, and so blatant in its criminal ties that it felt like a joke that everyone was in on. But the embellishments and adornments here were over the top and gaudy, too tacky even for a Las Vegas casino. Gold’s namesake was splashed everywhere, from the countertops to the barstools to the curtains on the back walls. When the finishing got gross and dirty, they’d be replaced, but the style was dated and straight out of the 70s. It was a mobster hideaway with no pretensions, and Emma always thought to herself that the cops should be busting in every night. This was an obvious den of misconduct, but no cops ever came. The reality was that Gold had half the police force in his pocket, and the other half were too scared to cross him for fear of what he’d bring down on them. Gold might be ridiculous and over the top, but he was powerful, and more than that he was smart, so smart Emma knew better than to ever try to run and think she could get away with it.

“Well, well, well. Ain’t you lookin good tonight, sweetheart?”

Emma fought the instinct to roll her eyes at the slurred and shouted words that crossed the bar top over to where she was standing. Two months into her captivity here, and Emma knew better than to let her baser instincts win out. Despite how gross this man was, and how underwhelming he was on any metric of attractiveness, Emma couldn’t cave to her want to blow him off. Doing so was a risk, and if she had any chance of surviving this hell hole, she could not afford to take those.

“What can I get you, Mr. Black?” Emma asked, ignoring the stench of sweat and booze that mingled with the man’s cheap aftershave. She looked at him for only a second before looking down again, knowing her best bet was to try and blend into the background and let these men set their sights on the women who actually wanted to be here.

“I’ll take a night in bed with you, darlin’.” Emma chocked down a gag but flashed an insincere smile as she shook her head.

“You know the rules, Black. I work for Gold in a strictly drink-serving capacity.”

“Damn waste if you ask me, putting talent like you up in the bar.”

A waste? Emma considered it a small miracle. Since the day that Gold’s men had swarmed her apartment with guns drawn, looking for Lily, Emma had been completely at the will of a monster. She knew from the second they apprehended her and brought her back here that she could be destined for anything. People talked about Gold in this city and there was no crime he was too good to partake in. He had brothels all over the place and a stake in the skin trade. He ran drugs and guns, made people disappear and black mailed anyone he could. He had no moral restrictions, and no love greater than the one had for money and control. He owned this city in almost every single way, and if he chose to, he could make her life even worse than it was now. So much worse. It sent a shiver up her spine to even contemplate some of the things she’d heard whispered about. But Gold, as dark and twisted as he was, did have a code, and he’d briefly explained it to her the night she was brought in.

“I’m a man who collects his debts, Miss Swan, but I am also a man who sees a whole story. You had nothing to do with Lily’s betrayal, I know this. You’re collateral damage, a source of collection through no fault of your own. The debt must be payed, but since you yourself have never wronged me, I’ll be good to you. You even think of crossing me, however, and you’ll live to regret it.”

Emma knew the truth when she heard it. Her gut was never wrong. Even with Lily, the problem wasn’t that Emma had missed her true colors, she’d just chosen to ignore the telltale signs of a problem person because she really had no other friends. She hoped that Lily may come around, that she’d get better and really try and make a go of things in an above board way, but with Gold there was no doubt as to the veracity of his threat. If he felt Emma was disloyal, he’d punish her, and if at the end of this there was any doubt that she’d turn on him, she would never be free. She had to be picture perfect in her actions. A pretty, polite prisoner who served their time and then kept silent. She was ready to do that, she just had to stick to her plan and keep her head up in the meantime.

As she made Mr. Black’s drink and got caught into the flow of the bar, serving men their beer and liquor until they all got drunk as hell, Emma counted down the seconds until the night would be over. She gathered her measly tips, and kept them guarded close, and she knew that tonight would be like every other. She was trapped here, in this darkness, destined to be unhappy but determined to survive. When she was free of this she’d go as far away from Gold’s hold as she could. She’d find a cabin somewhere, live a quiet kind of life, and she’d never put herself in this kind of position again. Her lesson had been learned – she could trust no one but herself, and though that was a totally lonely sensation, she had to try and accept it or risk hurting herself all over again down the line.

Suddenly, in the midst of the normal night’s activities, the front door blew open and Emma felt a tingling of anticipation when it did. She hadn’t looked in that direction all night long, never liking the people who would dare to enter here, but her instincts were screaming at her to turn around and look. She had no idea why, but when she obeyed the internal command, she was shocked into stillness, caught up in the sight of the man who’d just walked in.

Tall, dark, and fiercely handsome, this man was sin personified and so much better looking than the other thugs that came here every night. He didn’t look out of place though, aside from his attractiveness. The clothes he wore were made of leather and spoke to some dangerous intent. He made no show to hide the side arms he was carrying, one on his hip and one strapped across his chest, and the scowl on his face made him seem hard and unapproachable. For a moment, Emma had the chance to take him in, and despite the fierceness of his expression, she felt a flutter low in her stomach.

His chiseled jaw with the well-trimmed beard he had was hot, as was the symmetry of his features and the way his broad body clenched and she could see his muscles. But if someone were to ask her what stood out most about this mystery man it was his eyes. They were blue, like the ocean in places she’d only read about. They weren’t icy or cold, but warm somehow and so thoroughly enticing. She felt herself lost in them, and then he looked at her, their gazes connecting, and that sensation grew so much stronger. She felt a kind of pang echo through her ribcage the moment he took her in, and she watched as the hardness of his face shifted ever so slightly. It was a small tell, most people wouldn’t have noticed, but Emma did, and she knew that he felt this too. Whatever the hell this was – the man who’d just arrived was just as captive to it as she was.

“Ah, Captain, you’re here!” One of the regulars said, laughing and flailing about as only truly drunk men did. “Didn’t think we’d ever get you to The Lair. Thought you was too good for us.”

The man they called ‘Captain’ tore his gaze from Emma and moved over to the man who’d called him over. His stride was measured and almost graceful, and Emma couldn’t help but follow him with her eyes. This was so unlike her. She made it her business not to watch anyone too closely. The less she knew about what everyone was really up to the better, but she was intrigued by this newcomer in a way she’d never been before.

“Boss wants to see you, Alvin. Something about the McManus shipment.” Alvin blanched at the comment and swallowed harshly and Emma knew for certain that this man was in trouble with Gold. She didn’t have much sympathy for Alvin, and in fact most of her intention was focused on this stranger, who had the touch of an accent she couldn’t quite place. His voice was silky and low, tantalizing in a way, and she wanted to hear more of it. “Perhaps you’d like a drink for the road. Not sure when you’ll have the chance for another.”

“Bring them this,” Sydney said, materializing from nowhere next to Emma. She jumped at the unexpected intrusion into her thoughts, and looked at the two glasses.

“Is this rum?” she asked dumbly and Sydney nodded.

“The best. Captain likes the good stuff.”

“Right,” Emma said, moving over with the tray to the table where both men sat. When she got there, she was struck speechless again. Being so close to this man only added to the allure. He was even more interesting close up, and she lost her head a little bit at the sight of him, but tried to pull herself together as best he could. “Your drinks, gentlemen.”

Alvin took the drink and downed in, but the stranger took his time, glancing at her over the glass and nodding. He didn’t smile, but his eyes conveyed a warmth he’d shared with no one else here. “Thank you, love.”

Knowing she couldn’t linger, Emma moved back to the other tables, continuing her work, but when she noticed Alvin and the mysterious man standing up to go a few minutes later, she felt a dash of disappointment. He was leaving, and she didn’t even know his name.

Okay, seriously? What the hell Emma? He’s one of them. He works for Gold. You don’t care about him. You can’t care.

The voice in her head scolded her for her fanciful thinking and this completely mistimed attraction. It was so foolish to think of him as anything but a threat, but her heart lurched at the thought. She was overcome with these weird feelings. Being so drawn to a man so quickly had never been her style. Certainly not now when she was in survival mode. But as she turned around to fill a tray with empty glasses on one of the far tables, she felt a presence behind her. She whipped around too quickly, only to run into him, and if it hadn’t been for his steadying hands, one on her arm and the other on her tray, the glasses would have shattered.

“You all right, love?”

“Um,” she licked her lips as her eyes darted up to and she nodded once. “Yes. I’m fine.”

“Good. Just wanted to give you this,” he said, handing her a tip. It was generous. Like a couple hundred-dollar bills generous. It was way more than their drinks had been and way way more than she could ever accept. It felt wrong, but there was a part of her that was desperate to keep it. This would put her that much closer to freedom. It was almost a week she wouldn’t have to work. Still she pushed it back at him.

“I can’t. It’s too much.”

“It’s hardly enough,” he replied ardently and her brow furrowed as she looked at his face, the earnestness on it clear as day to her. “I know these men, love. There’s no way they give you what you’ve earned. Not tonight, not ever. So please, take it.”

“Okay,” she agreed after a moment’s hesitation, feeling gratified by the fact that she had earned this, even if he wasn’t the one who should have to pay. “Thanks…”

“Killian,” he filled in before she could decide to use the nickname that Alvin had called him by.

“Killian,” she repeated, tasting the name on her tongue and loving the way it felt as it passed through her lips. “I’m Emma, by the way.”

“Emma,” he replied with a grin that was there and gone so quickly she would have missed it as she blinked. As it was, she knew she saw it, and that look was even more breathtaking than the rest of him. No one had a right to be that sexy. No one. “Well, until next time, Emma.”

With that, he turned and walked away, cold and composed once more as he led Alvin out of the bar and headed off into the night. And though Emma knew very little about him, she had a feeling she’d just met someone very important. Through the mist of all the new emotions and excitement, she sensed, deep down, that this man – Killian – mattered, and that somehow, someway, their fates were intertwined, destined to lead them back to each other in one way or another.

Post-Note: So there we have it! This is a short glimpse into the fic, kind of like a prologue if you will. Next chapter will flash forward a bit, because this honestly was angsty enough for me to write. I do not want to dwell in the bad circumstances Emma finds herself in, and instead want to get us to a fluffier, if still a bit wilder place than I am used to. As the description says this will be an MC (motorcycle club) romance, and we’ll reveal how that will come to pass in the next few chapters. In the meantime, I would love to hear what you all think! This is a break away from my usual fare, and pretty much the opposite of the other fic I am currently writing, but I have wanted to write a story like this for a really long time. I’m eager to share the rest of this fic with you all, and hope you will join me on this fun new journey. Anyway, thanks for reading and hope you have a great rest of your day!

[clumsyclifford]

“i just lost the Celebrity X Lookalike Contest (I AM Celebrity X) and threw a tantrum about it, you’re the security guard who escorted me out and doesn’t believe me” au OR “i was scratching my nose, not bidding on the charity auction, but i won a date with you anyway and i don’t have the money but i’m not giving it up” au take your pick

ffghfgjdgsgldja sorry it took me FIVE HUNDRED YEARS and that you actually wrote the entire beginning of this but anyway here is it....three thousand words later. im gonna exhaust my supply of fics to dedicate to you today and then i won’t have any saved for the future when i want to win your favor but alas. such is life (i did the second one since i already did hthe first one i’m too lazy to link it but it exists....u read it....yeah)

“It’s six,” Calum feels the need to remind Luke, for the tenth time. “In the morning.”

“Oh my God, shut up,” Luke says. “It’s literally an opportunity to meet Green Day. If you were awake enough to process that, you’d be the one dragging me out of the house to get it. Anyway, it’s for a good cause.”

“That made no sense,” Calum says, probably because he’s tired and sluggish and it is six. “You know it’s six in the morning, right?”

Luke mutters something irritated and points to two seats next to each other. “We’re here,” he says. “Just sit down and shut up.”

“If all you wanted was for me to sit down and shut up, why the fuck did you make me come?”

“Because,” Luke says, looking like he’s about to whine. He better fucking not. If anyone’s going to whine, it will be Calum, because it is six in the morning. He scans the room, which looks roughly like he’d imagine an auction room to look like. Unsurprisingly, this quickly becomes boring, and when Luke sits down, Calum leans on Luke’s shoulder, yawning.

“So how do you win?” he asks. He’s a good friend, and Luke’s clearly excited. Calum can pretend to be excited, too, for twenty seconds.

“You don’t win,” Luke says. “The auction guy calls out a number, and people raise their hands, and then he keeps calling out numbers until only one person’s got their hand up.”

“Hm,” Calum says, because he doesn’t care. “How much are you spending on this, again?”

“Enough,” Luke says. “Don’t worry about it.”

“You drag me out of bed at six in the morning and now you won’t even tell me how much of a bad life decision you’re making,” Calum grumbles. “I don’t know why I’m friends with you.”

Luke doesn’t dignify this with an answer, just pats his hair and opens up Twitter on his phone.

Calum zones out for awhile after that. He registers the auction starting (mostly because Luke’s put his phone away), and from the angle his head is at, he can just see the front, where they’re displaying each item as it’s auctioned off. Time passes. Calum tries not to flat-out fall asleep, because it would be rude, but he’s really tired and has only gotten about four hours of sleep, and his head hurts. He tries to train his eyes solely on the front, to laser focus on whatever item’s being auctioned. Somebody’s socks, maybe? Some concert tickets? They put up a photo of someone, and Calum squints. He doesn’t recognize the guy, but he must be famous, because his picture’s up there. It’s a shame; the guy in the photo is hot, hot enough that it breaks through Calum’s sleep-deprived haze.

He rubs his hand against his forehead, trying to massage away some of the ache that’s building up. Fuck Luke for dragging him out to this, honestly. As he rakes a hand through his unkempt hair, he vaguely registers somebody going, “SOLD to the gentlemen in the Rolling Stones shirt!”

I’m wearing a Rolling Stones shirt, Calum thinks distantly, and then Luke’s shaking him. “Calum, what the fuck?”

“What?” Calum whispers.

“You — you just bid $2000 on a date with Michael Clifford.”

Calum blinks, a lot, and picks his head up off Luke’s shoulder. “Who the fuck is Michael Clifford?”

Luke points, and Calum looks up at the podium, and of course Michael Clifford is the super hot guy in the photo.

“I can’t have won that,” Calum says. “I don’t have two thousand dollars.”

“Well, you did,” Luke says, sounding like he’s moments from tearing his hair out because of Calum. “So you’ll just have to back out after the auction.”

“Jesus Christ, I don’t have two thousand dollars,” Calum says, beginning to panic. “Luke, what the fuck? I don’t even have two hundred dollars.”

“Okay, relax,” Luke says. “You’ll just tell the auctioneer after. You can forfeit the item to the next highest bidder.”

Calum is tempted to ask how the fuck do you know so much about auctions, but instead he says, “This is your fault for fucking dragging me here.”

Luke shushes him. Apparently the Green Day thing he’d come for is next up. Luke’s a terrible friend and an absolute menace to society.

The auction continues, and Calum keeps his hands tensely folded in his lap, terrified to even move in case this poor excuse for an auctioneer randomly decides to make his life hell again. He spends about an hour trying to work up the nerve to tell the man that he hadn’t intended to bid, he hadn’t even wanted to come to this, and he hasn’t got two thousand dollars anyway, so thanks but no thanks, you can give this particular victory to someone else.

But every time he does, his eyes land on the photo of the alleged Michael Clifford. Calum’s not, like, a shallow guy, but there is something to be said for a man that attractive. Namely that if you get a chance to go on a date with him, even if it costs two thousand dollars, you’d have to be not only stupid but fucking blind to turn it down.

You don’t have two thousand dollars, he firmly reminds himself. And you don’t know this Michael chump at all. He might be a total asshole.

(If someone that hot is an asshole, Calum will lose all faith in humanity, but whatever. It’s fine.)

He manages to steel his resolve enough to turn down the date, but when the auction ends everything is all hustle and bustle. Apparently Luke’s won his thing, which is cool for him. Calum goes up to the line with the auction winners and prepares to tell the lady (assistant?) that there’s been a mistake, but the lady just hands him a piece of paper and says, “Next.”

“No, sorry, there’s —” Calum says, trying to return the paper, and the lady gives him a chilling stare.

“Next,” she repeats. Luke looks desperately between Calum and the lady and then takes what she’s handing him and hurries them off.

“Luke,” Calum hisses.

“Okay, I know, but did you see her face? It’s fine. You can just email the auction company.”

“Just because you’re afraid of social confrontation,” Calum gripes, but it’s far too late. They’re already outside the building. “I hope you’re happy.”

“I am,” Luke says. “Calm down, Cal. Literally just send them an email. They’ll figure out you don’t have two thousand dollars soon enough anyway.”

Calum stares down at the paper in his hand, which has all the details on how to contact this Michael Clifford figure. It’s fine. He can email the auction company, and everything will be fine.

-

Everything is not fine. Calum typed michael clifford into his browser three hours ago, and now he’s fucked. Utterly, irreparably fucked.

He shouldn’t have checked. He shouldn’t have even bothered. If he’d operated under the assumption that Michael Clifford was a jackass who wasn’t worth a second of Calum’s time, much less a cent of his money, everything would have worked out wonderfully. Calum could have sent the email to the auctioneers, subject line: GRAVE MISTAKE, and sorted it out.

Instead he’s an hour deep into Michael Clifford interviews on YouTube, and he’s listened to the man’s entire discography (two albums and an EP). Calum has gone over everything with a fine-toothed comb, but there’s no two ways about it: Michael Clifford is dead sexy and that’s not even the best thing about him. How can someone be this witty and charming and beautiful and sort of awkward and gorgeous all at once and not, like, spontaneously combust?

It doesn’t help that he’s been steadily drinking tequila for the last two hours, also.

(He will easily blame the tequila for what he does next.)

He’d have to be an idiot to let this chance slip through his fingers. A total and complete fucking dumbass. Calum’s a lot of things, but he knows when God is giving him a chance. This is a miracle. An opportunity, Luke had called it. Calum’s not stupid, okay? He’s not.

TO: michaelclifford@hiorheyrecords.co.au 

FROM: calpal1996@gmail.com

SUBJECT: I won something with your guy

Hello,

I’m the winner of the charity auction date thing? With Michael Clifford? So that’s exciting. Write back with the details, I guess.

Calum Hood

-

Calum doesn’t tell Luke when he wakes up, mostly because for a couple hours he himself can’t believe he’s done it, and Luke will just voice every terrible thing Calum is thinking, beginning and ending with you don’t have, have never had, and will probably never have $2000. And Calum already knows that. He knows, okay?

But when he gets a response email, he can’t help but be excited, a little bit. If he’s going to go down (and he definitely is, for this), he may as well go down on a date with a man who looks like a fierce cuddler and a sex god rolled in one.

TO: calpal1996@gmail.com

FROM: michaelclifford@hiorheyrecords.co.au

SUBJECT: Re: I won something with your guy

Hello,

Michael will be in Sydney this weekend. Attached is his availability. Please reply at earliest convenience regarding which time suits you best.

Congratulations,

Michael Clifford's Management (Hi Or Hey Records)

Calum has no plans, ever, and would also easily cancel anything to speak with the absolute treasure that is Michael Clifford, so he replies that any time works for him. He hopes Michael himself isn't as stiff and formal as his management's emails, but Calum's coming off an interview binge, so he wouldn't believe that anyway. He's aware of the disparity between what the public sees of a celebrity and who the celebrity actually is, but a public persona has to be based on something.

Plus, Michael plays Fifa, so he can't be that bad.

He resolutely does not text Luke, and instead spends the day under his duvet, watching more interviews of Michael Clifford and listening to his music on repeat. It's kind of like studying, except the test is a date with a really hot famous bloke. But fuck if Calum's not going to ace it.

-

They decide on Friday night, because that's the universally accepted prime date night, or something, so on Friday night at 7pm, Calum is shifting nervously on his feet and waiting by his door. A car will pick him up, apparently. He just has to sit and wait.

(He's still deliberately not thinking about how this will cost him two thousand dollars. Which he doesn't have.)

Calum's phone buzzes with an email. It's from Michael Clifford's management, but all it says is, I'm outside :D. Tonally, Calum is pretty sure that one wasn't sent by the management.

He takes a deep breath and leaves his house.

The car out front is not a limo, like Calum would have expected. It's a nice Tesla, though, still clearly too expensive for Calum's street and gleaming in the little remaining daylight. Calum makes for it, feeling nervous and excited and mostly just terrified that this is the worst idea he's ever had.

He pulls open the passenger door and slides into the car.

"Hi," says Michael Clifford. Calum fights not to lose his breath. He's prettier in person, so much so that Calum can't actually believe the injustice that pictures and videos do to him. "Calum?"

Oh, that's Calum's name. "Hi, yeah," Calum says. "I'm Calum." He holds out the paper given to him at the auction, just like the management email had instructed him to do.

Michael takes it, looking sheepish. "Cool," he says. Calum can't feel any of his limbs. "Um, get in, I suppose? I know we didn't really decide where we're going, but I figured I'd let you choose."

Calum thinks about everything he's learned about Michael over the past two and a half days of intense studying. Then he checks it against his own appetite. "Pizza?"

Michael's face splits with relief. "Oh, thank fucking God. I've been craving pizza for like a week."

Calum grins in what he hopes is a charming and not-at-all-creepy way. And then he feels creepy anyway.

“So, uh,” Michael continues. “Tell me about yourself.”

Calum drums his fingers against his thigh. “About myself? Okay. Sure. My name’s Calum Hood, I’m on a football scholarship at uni — when I’m at school — and I like long walks on the beach.”

“Oh, we won’t get along,” Michael says. “I hate long walks on the beach. Bad start, Calum.”

“What? How can you hate walking on the beach?”

“The sand,” Michael says defensively. “It gets everywhere, it’s horrible.”

“Alright,” Calum says. “Anakin.”

“I know you did not just call me Anakin.”

“The sand,” Calum mimics. “It’s horrible.”

“I’ll stop this car.” 

“I think you’re contractually not allowed to,” Calum says. “Tell me about you, now.”

Michael looks pleased. Calum tries not to stare. “Alright,” Michael says, smiling crookedly. “Name’s Michael, and I like video games, and I like watching films in the darkness and I hate the beach.”

“Wow,” Calum says. He suddenly thinks that watching films in the darkness wouldn’t be too bad, with the right company. “You’re a right charmer, you are.”

“I’m an introvert,” Michael protests. “Don’t judge me.”

“You’re an introvert? Who auctioned off a date?”

“It wasn’t up to me,” Michael says. He sounds like he’s trying not to be bitter about it, and failing. “It was, like, my management and the auction company conspired against me. But it’s for charity, anyway.” He shoots a look at Calum. “Actually, I think it could’ve gone much worse.”

Calum feels terribly, all of a sudden. He’s lying to Michael, sitting here pretending like he actively chose to come on this auction-mandated date. 

“So, not to be, like, self-obsessed, but I have to ask,” Michael says. “Do you like the new record?”

“Yes,” Calum says immediately, which is true, at least. “Yes, I love it. I’ve listened to it a million times.” In the last three days.

Michael grins happily. “Really?”

Calum nods. “Uh. Yeah. Really.” He wavers, mouth dry. Michael looks delighted, and Calum would be an asshole to let him sit there feeling oblivious about Calum’s whole situation. He sighs. "Um, for the record, I feel like you should know that — well. This is a misunderstanding, kind of."

Michael briefly shoots him a puzzled look before bringing his eyes back to the road. "What is?"

"Well, ah, me, being here." Calum rubs the back of his neck. "I won this by accident. I don't have two thousand dollars — yet, I mean, I promise I'll pay, I just...I honestly didn't know who you were until about three days ago."

Michael snorts, clearly amused. He laughs  "That's great," he says. "Did you look me up?"

"Yes," Calum says. "A bit." He pauses, embarrassed. "Okay, a lot. There's a lot of information about you on the internet, if you were wondering. And I'm sure most of it isn't true, but I didn't want to, like, offend you? But I meant it about the album, it’s really really good, exactly the kind of music I love, and — yeah. So."

Michael still looks amused when Calum finishes word-vomiting all over him. Small mercies. "I'm glad," he says, looking sidelong at Calum for a moment. "Well, I'm sorry you ended up on a date you can't afford with a guy you don't care about."

"No, no," Calum says. "I could have forfeited it, I think? But, well." Whatever, Michael probably gets this all the time, and after all this is a date, so what the fuck does he have to lose? "I thought you were hot, and I was pretty drunk, so I figured, fuck it."

Michael snorts another laugh. "Really," he says. "Well, that's pretty lucky for me."

Calum frowns. "Lucky?"

"Yeah, I mean." Michael gestures. "Sorry if this is forward, but you're pretty good-looking yourself."

Calum has absolutely no idea what to say to that. "Um, thank you? That's — is this, like, scripted? Are there things you have to say to me in some contract? Because I promise not to be offended if you just don't say them."

"There's no contract," Michael says, with an easy smile. "I just think you're kinda hot. Is that allowed?"

"Allowed?" Calum repeats, incredulous. "No, it's not allowed. You need to be checked for delusion. You can't call me hot when I'm in a car with you."

"Well, I am," Michael says. "It's done. Deal with it."

"I want the record to reflect that that compliment was nonconsensual," Calum says. You're kinda hot you're kinda hot you're kinda hot you're kinda hot, his mind sings.

"Should I take it back?" Michael asks, arching a brow. He looks like a fucking sculpture. Calum finally understands why museums exist.

"No," he says. "I took a voice note of you saying it, and I'm going to sell it on eBay. For two thousand dollars. Which I will then use to pay for this date."

Michael shakes his head and pulls into a parking lot. "How about this: you pay for the pizza, and I'll pay the two thousand dollars?"

Calum's heart stops, maybe. He's pretty sure he's supposed to have a heartbeat, but he can't locate it in his body. "What? No."

"Why not?" Michael turns to him in the passenger seat. "I'm having a good time, and a gentleman ought to pay for his date's meal, or some bullshit like that, right? So if you buy me pizza, I'll pay off the auction, and then I can ask you on a real date, and I'll buy you pizza, and we'll be even."

Calum stares, unable to process any of that. "I don't think that math checks out," he says. "What do you mean, a real date?"

Michael chuckles, and sounds a little shy. "One where neither of us is financially obliged to attend. You know. Like a normal one."

"Oh," is what Calum eloquently comes up with. "Uh, you want to do that with me?"

Michael shrugs. "Yes? You kept me smiling for the whole drive, and you called me hot. I'm very insecure, so that's important. Plus, as previously mentioned, you're also hot, so I think we'd make a very attractive pair."

"Maybe I'll say no," Calum says, blood roaring in his ears because there is literally no way this is happening, this is not his real life. This is a dream and he's very witty in his dreams. "Don't push your luck, Clifford."

Michael laughs. "Touché."

"That was a joke," Calum says. "Just like yours was a joke."

"I wasn't joking," Michael says. "But you can say no. We're both still on this date, we may as well enjoy it."

"Pizza," Calum helpfully remembers.

Michael nods in agreement. "Pizza."

"Ask me again at the end of our auction-mandated charity date," Calum says. "If you're charming enough, I might just let you take me out again."

"Challenge accepted." Michael gets out of the car, and so does Calum, and he gives himself another this isn't real life, for good luck, before coming around the car. Michael holds out an arm, and Calum takes it.

Calum's never had better pizza, or a better date. (Michael asks him again at the end, and Calum says yes, because he's no fucking idiot.)