#that woman said she hopes i get raped and yeah no i should be the ever forgiving cute girl who loves her despite her issues and | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bisolationist · 4 months

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blackswallowtailbutterfly/742450451214172160

What do you think of this? I think I mostly agree. I just feel bad about number 2. It leaves me demoralized. I shouldn't get hung up on whether its called rape or not.

I totally understand the need for a word that describes the sexual assault of women by men. I understand why rape is poised to simply be at that. I do not begrudge that. As a woman of course I get it.

But for people assaulted by women like me, "you weren't even really raped" is a common taunt. Many people treat it like its no big deal and I'm stupid for acting hurt by my experience.

So when people are eager to tell us its just sexual assault and not rape its hard to trust they aren't trying to say its lesser and stupid. Even if that is not their intent they often refuse to acknowledge people use it that way and just treat me like I'm a hysterical bitch.

And then there is the fact according to them I cannot call my abuser a rapist. she is just a woman according to these people, she didn't do anything so bad it deserves that title.

She agrees words can be a weapon I just wish there was acknowledgement its also a weapon against us loser "sexual assault" victims too.

Ah, I'm so sorry anon. Yeah, I completely get you on all fronts here. Super long post so putting a cut.

So on Point 2. I do agree that women need to be able to talk about male sexual violence and I see why they want to reserve the word rape to apply just to them. So I don't have an issue with that.

But I agree with you anon, the people who are neutrally trying to push to maintain that differentiation don't understand (and sometimes don't care) the degree to which "it's not even rape lolol" is a taunt that gets used against SA victims. They also put no effort into understand why people DO use it as a taunt and why it works.

So I think even if their insistence is based only on principle it can come across as really callous, and it's often worded in very stand-offish ways. So I do wish if there is going to an insistence on differentiating rape and sexual assault, then there should also be a concurrent emphasis on not belittling sexual assault and not treating it as something of "vastly lesser magnitude" (to use a phrase I often see thrown around). People probably don't do that because they think it's obvious (I'm hoping) but it's clearly not obvious to a lot of people, and without that disclaimer it does embolden those who use the "it's not rape" thing as an insult/mockery.

I also wish then more people would SAY "sexual assault and rape" and not just "rape" when discussing issues relevant to both, because a lot of anti-sexual violence stuff focuses on the word rape even when its clearly meant to be broader (even if just discussing women like you; obviously not trying to say all discussions of SA/rape have to be inclusive of male victims. But then don't word certain things to make it sound like it CANT include us either :X)

All of that said.... I do have the same hang-up as you for some reason. I'm okay with discussing my experience as sexual assault and not rape. But... the idea that these people think my rapist shouldn't be called a rapist makes me incredibly angry and upset almost past the point of reason. I've definitely had just very very strong emotional responses so that.

Another concern I have is for things like statutory rape or corrective rape? Those are established and understood terms. I think it does REALLY bother me if someone were to try to say women who assault bisexual/gay men/boys are not committing corrective rape. I get why, but it feels like trying to take away the 'hate crime's aspect of it. Maybe we need more words for sexual violence but I think we have to balance that with the need to maintain clear and recognizable language that all members of the public can interact with, too.

Sorry this ended up a huge response. I'll tackle the rest of the linked post as quickly as possible (you know I have essay writing disease so uhm... anyway).

Point 1. Okay cool thanks I guess. But saying "men do suffer from sexual assault" doesn't quite address the real point of contention. Most of the people attacking male victims acknowledge there might be suffering to the experience. But they think such suffering is either trivial (something that should have minor effect on the individual) or irrelevant (does not deserve mention or discussion), or more often both.

This is why there's so much eye-rolling "okay so? get over it" in response to female-on-male sexual assault from both men and women. People are extremely comfortable with telling us that it's NOT something life-changing or "justifiably" traumatic, and that it's a completely different type or level of suffering (pain, degradation) than what women endure.

Since October I've had people tell me it's a "Different level of magnitude", that it's "comparing a paper cut to a gunshot", and similar, the point being that the sexual violence boys/men face is nothing but a minor inconvenience and does not deserve seriousness or sensitivity . I know the original poster feels bad about it now, but I do have to point out there were hundreds of people agreeing with the idea that SA against men is "Bad but not horrific, and it's bad to treat it as a horrific because that diminishes how people think about Real sexual assault". The notion that we don't face real degradation is also incredibly prevalent. The original post was bad enough and lots of the responses were clear rape apologia, but this one is always going to stick in my mind as perfectly illustrating a sentiment I'd always felt being expressed but never seen said written out so casually. Like imagine really writing "Being sexually assaulted 'sucks' but isn't the worst thing in the world".

I agree with the linked post that there's other levels and factors for women when they are assaulted irt to both potential pregnancy and the trauma of living in a misogynistic culture after the fact, but I think many people take that to mean sexual violence against men truly is something that should be ignored by both the victim and society at large. I also think people underestimate how much all sexual assault victims, including men/boys, feel hated, ruined, and reviled by the culture at large. Again I completely understand why for women there's so many things that are retraumatizing, but I think there's this idea that for men/boys our trauma ends with the act and then we're free, but that's just not true either. I push through talking about all of this because I think it's important and someone has to, but that doesn't mean all the things that get said to me or about male victims is harmless and has no effect.

On Point 3. Yeah I agree, feminists don't owe anything to male SA victims, even when the perpetrator is female. But I am bothered by how often this is used as a shield to actively participate in sexual assault apologia. Yeah feminists don't have to do anything for males, but people don't have a moral responsibility to just one cause. Or in other words - yeah your feminist activism has no reason to focus on males or their suffering in any way, but if you do go out of your way to harass male victims or belittle their sexual assault you're still a shit person. It'd be fine for me to declare myself an anti-race activist and only work on issues related to race and xenophobia, and prioritize learning and caring about those issues, but as a person and moral agent that wouldn't give me carte blanche to ignore or belittle other forms of discrimination.

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goforth-ladymidnight · 6 months

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A Second Chance

Ch. 5 of (let's face it, I have no idea)

Pairing: Tamlin x Lucien

Summary: Tamlin shares the rest of his story with Lucien (Note: the originally published ending was edited after I slept on it and thought of something I liked better. Hope you don't mind!)

Word Count: 5.3k

Read on AO3, or keep reading below:

Feeling restless and needing something to do while Tamlin was in the bathroom, Lucien took their empty coffee mugs into the kitchen. Ordinarily he would have left the mugs to soak in the sink overnight, but he had to do something. Anything.

Rubber gloves. Hot water. Soap. And scrubbing. Lots of scrubbing. He was no priest, but it was as though he was trying to cleanse the stains from Tamlin’s soul caused by someone else’s sins. It would take more than elbow grease to wash those away, but at least the dishes were getting done.

“Can I help?”

Lucien looked up to see Tamlin standing at the edge of the kitchen, and he let out a sad chuckle. “No. God, no. I appreciate the offer, but… you’ve suffered enough. I can handle a few dirty dishes by myself.”

Tamlin was already rolling up his sleeves, however. “If I can handle Jurian’s messes, I can handle yours,” he said wryly. He tucked his long hair behind his ears and added, “At least let me dry.”

Lucien smiled a half-smile. It was the first time he had seen Tamlin with his hair away from his face all day. He looked good with his hair down, but he looked… better this way. Calmer. More confident. Like he wasn’t hiding away from the world anymore. “Yeah. Okay,” he agreed at last. “Dish towels are in that cabinet there.”

The scene was positively domestic, and the routine strangely comforting. Lucien washed, and Tamlin dried. It was like they were roommates again, even though they hadn’t been half as tidy back in college.

Lucien stole furtive glances at Tamlin as they worked. Those same hands that had once made violin strings sing were now a little rough around the edges, but there was still a certain grace to his movements. His forearms were more muscular, and while his posture was more hunched than it had been as a practicing musician, he looked stronger, somehow. While his experience with that vampire of a woman had drained him, it had not broken him. Since telling his story, the tightness in his brow had already softened, and, although Lucien could have been imagining it, there was a hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth.

As Lucien handed him the last dish to dry, Tamlin murmured a quiet “Thank you”, which surprised him.

“I should be the one thanking you,” Lucien said, peeling off the first rubber glove. “You didn’t have to help, but it went faster this way.”

“Well, you let me talk, and that’s what I meant,” Tamlin said, drying the plate slowly. “So, thank you. Again.”

“Anytime,” Lucien said sincerely, pulling off the last glove. As he set the gloves aside to drip dry, he shook his head and sighed. “I still can’t believe you went through all that.”

Tamlin turned the clean plate over in his hands, as if looking for a wet spot. “Yeah. I didn’t think you would,” he said softly.

“No. Of course I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant…” Lucien turned around to lean against the sink, then crossed his arms. “I can’t believe you went through all that by yourself.”

Tamlin shrugged a shoulder and set the plate aside. “Well, I had Jurian, so…”

That hurt more than Lucien expected. He tried to catch his friend’s eye and asked, “Didn’t you think to reach out to me at all?”

Tamlin shrugged again. “And say what? ‘Hey, Lu, I think the Dean decided she wanted a green-eyed wonder baby for Christmas, so she drugged me and probably raped me, so if it’s not too much trouble, would you please come all the way back from Scythia and hold my hand so I don’t feel like I’m totally nuts?’”

Lucien stared at him. “Tam…”

Tamlin’s face turned red as he turned away, and he ran a hand over his loose blond hair to rub his neck. “I-I just…” He sighed. “I didn’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Why would I get hurt?” He moved closer and touched his friend’s arm. “Tam, I care about you—”

He was startled, and a bit hurt, when Tamlin jerked away, like a skittish street animal. “I’m sorry,” Tamlin rasped. “I’m just—I-I don’t know… I’m confused about some things.”

“I’m not surprised,” Lucien said gently. “You’ve been through hell.”

Tamlin snorted and slowly rubbed the spot on his arm that Lucien had touched. “You don’t know the half of it,” he muttered.

“So, tell me.”

Tamlin made a face and looked away. “I don’t know… It’s getting late, and…”

Lucien’s heart twinged in disappointment as he looked at the clock. “Oh. Yeah. I guess.” He lifted his hands in a shrug and then slipped them into his pockets. “You know… If you wanted to, you could stay a little longer. Unless you’ve got somewhere else to be, I mean…”

“Not exactly.”

Lucien’s heart took a hopeful leap. “No?”

“I mean, I feel like I should be there when Jurian gets home, so…”

Lucien let out a wry chuckle and scratched below his ear. “Well, as much as I hate to admit it, I think Vassa really likes your friend, so I think the phrase: ‘Don’t wait up’ would be the best advice.”

Tamlin huffed a laugh. “Yeah, I think so, too,” he said quietly, then crossed his arms and looked away. “It was just a dumb excuse, anyway.”

Lucien leaned over and tried to catch his eye. “Why? Why do you feel like you have to give me excuses?” he asked gently. “We haven’t seen each other in seven years… This is our chance to catch up.”

That pained, teary look returned to Tamlin’s tired features. “It’s just… you’ve been so great,” he said in a soft, sad voice. “I’m just afraid that… that you won’t like me very much after this. And I-I couldn’t stand to lose you twice.”

“You didn’t lose me in the first place,” Lucien said firmly. “Tam, you were… you were raped. Drugged and raped and God knows what else.” He shook his head. “I don’t think there’s anything you could say or do to change the way I feel about you. And I mean that.”

Tamlin considered this with a tight sigh. “Okay,” he said quietly, gesturing to the living room. “But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

* * *

It was a beautiful spring day. The sun was shining in a crystal blue sky, the sparrows were chirping in the decorative evergreen hedges, and a soft, cool breeze ruffled the hair on the back of Tamlin’s neck. Unfortunately, it did nothing to soften the blow when he was slammed against the side of a cop car door. Wedged between hot metal and a hard body, his hands were wrenched behind his back as cold metal cuffs bit into the flesh of his wrists.

“Hey, go easy on the kid,” Jurian called out. “We’re cooperating, for godsakes.”

Tamlin grunted as invasive hands patted him down and searched his pockets. His point-and-shoot camera, his dorm room keys, his wallet, all were placed on top of the cop car without a care.

“Ah-ha,” a second cop said, triumphantly removing the folder Tamlin had hidden beneath his jacket and tucked in the back of his pants. “Is this what he took from your house, ma’am?”

Amarantha’s teary voice came closer. “Oh, my god, yes! That’s it. Thank you so much,” she gushed.

Still wedged against the vehicle, Tamlin could just see the Dean accept the bright red folder from the officer’s hands.

She clutched it to her chest as she shook her head. “I just can’t believe a student would try to break into my home like that,” she remarked. “I sometimes take students’ files home with me for review, but I never dreamed anyone would try to steal them.” She gave Tamlin a cold, brief glance, then told the officer warmly, “I don’t know what he would have done with this if you hadn’t arrived so quickly, officer.”

The officer touched his cap. “Glad you called us when you did, ma’am.”

She smiled and touched his arm. “Not as glad as I am. You should be commended for your service. I fully intend to let your captain know what fine men he has working under him.”

Tamlin rolled his eyes as the officer smiled and shifted on his feet like a little school boy. “Much obliged, ma’am.”

“Please, call me Amarantha,” she said sweetly.

Another officer approached her then and said, “Excuse me, miss. The detectives would like to get your statement, for the record.”

“Oh, yes, of course,” she said fervently, then stepped away.

She played the part like a true actress. If Tamlin hadn’t seen her that night in her office, he would have thought this was a different woman entirely. She wore no makeup, her hair was down, and she wore a loose white chiffon robe over her red tank top and leggings. Gone was the cool, calculating Dean who had slipped drugs into his fruit punch, and in her place was a victimized woman whose big house had nearly been robbed by a crazed, obsessed student and his reluctant partner.

The sound of another pair of cuffs snapping closed made Tamlin turn his head the other way.

“Easy there, newbie,” Jurian told the cop holding him. He rolled his shoulders and said, “I know the drill. You don’t have to tighten them so much. Give me a little wiggle room, ya know?”

“Yeah?” the young cop said, tightening the cuffs anyway, making Jurian wince. “And I suppose you and your little friend were just looking for a little wiggle room on private property?”

Jurian grimaced. “Ugh, save the wordplay for when you’ve made a few more arrests,” he complained. “You make me sound like some kind of pervert.” He caught Tamlin watching him, still pinned by the cop car. He sighed and shook his head as he looked away. “And, no, like I told you before, we were birdwatching.”

“Birdwatching,” the young cop scoffed. “A likely story.”

“Well, well, well.”

A buff, leather-faced, plain-clothes officer with iron gray hair strolled forward. As he approached Jurian, he smiled and slowly removed his dark sunglasses.

“If it isn’t my old pal,” he drawled, tucking the sunglasses into his pocket. “‘Birdwatching’, again, eh?” He jabbed a thick finger at Jurian’s chest. “I don’t suppose you have any photographic evidence to back that up?”

Jurian gave him a tight smile. “Officer Attor. Or should I say Detective Attor? Or how about Teddy. How are you, Teddy?”

“Me? Oh, I’m just fine and dandy,” the detective said. “I got a nice fat raise. A promotion. Not like you.” He smirked. “I hear your car got impounded again. What a shame.”

“Damn shame,” Jurian agreed. “Almost as shameful as you cheating on your wife. Or should I say ex-wife.”

The detective frowned. What happened next was too quick to follow, but suddenly Jurian was stumbling back, held up by the young cop behind him, and the detective was shaking out his hand and flexing his fingers.

“Whoops,” Detective Attor said coolly. “My hand slipped.”

Jurian’s tongue touched his split lip, and he let out a wry chuckle. “Yeah, real slippery.”

“Hey,” Tamlin called out, shrugging at his bonds. “Leave him alone.”

“Stay out of this, kid,” Jurian called out, but Detective Attor was already making his way towards the vehicle.

He braced a broad, tanned hand on the roof of the car and leaned in. “You don’t tell me what to do,” he told Tamlin in a low, dangerous tone. “You’re real lucky that the lady doesn’t want to press charges, even though she has every right to.”

Tamlin ground his teeth. He managed to turn his head enough to see Amarantha standing beneath a shade tree, still clutching the red folder as she gave a teary statement to another sympathetic-looking officer.

“If I had my way,” the detective continued, “you’d be taking a cold shower in lock-up tonight. I hear blonds are real popular there.”

Tamlin’s blood ran cold, but the man wasn’t done.

His dark eyes narrowed, and he slowly pointed at Tamlin. “I know you from somewhere.”

Before he could connect the dots, Jurian interrupted him. “Leave him alone, Ted,” he warned.

“Or what?” The detective straightened up. “Are you threatening me?”

“Oh, hell no,” Jurian said lightly. “I just know how this works. I heard what you said. We’re not being charged with anything, but you want to scare us a little, to make sure we won’t try this again. So, you search us, rough us up a bit, give us a warning, then send us on our way. Sound about right?”

Detective Attor chuckled. “You always did like the sound of your own voice.”

Jurian smiled a lop-sided smile. His split lip was beginning to swell. That was going to turn into a nasty bruise later, but he didn’t seem all that concerned. “Yeah. And you always did like picking on people smaller than you.”

“So? You tryin’ to tell me how to do my job, Mr. Private Eye, ‘I Couldn’t Take It So I Quit’?”

“Not at all. I’m just trying to give you a little friendly advice.”

“Oh, yeah? And what’s that?”

“Just this: back off the kid now before I contact the commissioner over a harassment charge later.”

“Harassment?” The detective scoffed and spread his hands wide. “I didn’t touch him. Unless you’re talking about that little mark on your face. You slipped and fell when I wasn’t lookin’… Didn’t he, Officer?” he remarked to the cop holding Jurian steady.

“Yeah, I must ‘a missed that one,” the young cop agreed.

Tamlin felt sick to his stomach, but to his surprise, Jurian only chuckled.

“Oh, no. I meant the paper trail leading back to you when you had my car impounded. Again.”

Detective Attor’s sneer faded, and Tamlin could tell he was thinking very hard about that paper trail. “You can’t prove anything.”

“Oh, yeah? You wanna bet your big fat raise on that one?”

The detective growled, then stepped back from the police car, and Tamlin. “Fine,” he muttered, then snapped his fingers. “Let ‘em loose.”

“Sir… Are you sure?” the other cops tried to ask, but he cut them off.

“I said, let ‘em loose. We’ll let ‘em off with a warning, since they were just ‘birdwatching’, and all that.”

Jurian smirked. “See? I told you,” he said smugly to the officer holding him.

The detective pointed at him. “And you. You need to learn when to stop talking. You always were a goddamn know-it-all.”

Jurian winced as his wrists were freed from the too-tight cuffs. Rubbing them, he said, “It’s one of my best qualities. You just never learned when to appreciate wit. It must be because you don’t have any.”

It took the detective a moment, then he growled and lunged forward. “Why you—”

“Teddy?”

They all turned as one as Amarantha stepped forward.

“Ted, I mean. Detective,” she said with a concerned frown. “You… you’re letting them go already?”

“Don’t worry,” the detective assured her with a kind, overly fond smile. “We’ll escort them away from your property once we’re done here.”

She pursed her lips. “Can I say something to my student first?” she asked.

“Certainly.”

Certainly not, Tamlin wanted to say, but she had already turned toward him. He couldn’t exactly back away, either, since he was still cuffed. The officer holding him had been too distracted by the drama unfolding around them to follow orders, so Tamlin was forced to remain a prisoner for a few minutes longer. As she stepped closer, he leaned back, trying to keep the cloying scent of her perfume out of his nose.

She looked into his eyes, tilted her head, and smiled sadly. “It’s good to see you again, Tamlin,” she said quietly. “I just wish it were under more pleasant circumstances.”

He bit his tongue so hard it nearly bled.

“I want you to know that I harbor no ill-will towards you whatsoever,” she went on. “It is unfortunate that you felt as though you could not come to me as you struggled this semester… I had such high hopes for you.” She sighed and shook her head. “And I am sorry to say that this will have to go on your permanent record. You can make an appointment with my secretary so that we can discuss it further.” She smiled coyly. “Unless you’d like to discuss it over drinks.”

Tamlin’s lip curled. “Go fuck yourself.”

* * *

Lucien barked a laugh, then clapped a hand over his mouth. “Oh, my god,” he moaned. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt, but damn… Did you really say that to her?”

Tamlin’s cheeks turned pink as he smiled a rather shy smile. “Yeah. It felt pretty good, too.”

“I bet,” Lucien agreed, then clapped his hand on Tamlin’s shoulder. “Why would you think I wouldn’t like you after that? I think I’m even more in love with you now than I was before,” he teased.

Tamlin’s blush deepened as he chuckled and looked away. “Yeah, well…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “She didn’t press charges, but she wasn’t lying when she said it was going to affect my permanent record. I did try to break into her house, after all.”

“Yeah,” Lucien winced. “I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear that part.” When Tamlin still looked embarrassed, he continued, “Look, I don’t blame you. You didn’t feel safe going to the police. I get it. That doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“Maybe not, but… that’s not the end of it.”

“There’s more?”

“There’s more.”

* * *

It was late afternoon by the time Tamlin made it back to the University. He could only imagine what his fellow classmates thought when they saw a squad car drop him off, but he decided to ignore their stares and whispers and trudged back to his dorm in stony silence.

He had to walk past the common room to get to his room. He kept his head down, not wanting to talk to anyone, but a familiar giggle stopped him short.

Feyre didn’t see him at first, since the couch she was sitting on faced the television, but she wasn’t paying attention to that either. She was sitting sideways, smiling at someone with short dark hair and sun-bronzed skin, someone whose arm was not-so-casually draped across the back of the couch. Rhys.

It took her a moment to notice Tamlin standing there, but when she did, her smile vanished, her freckled cheeks turned bright red, and she leapt to her feet.

“Tam…” She smoothed the braid over her shoulder. “Where have you been? We—We’ve been worried about you.”

Tamlin’s gaze flicked over her crop top and low-rise jeans, then over to Rhys, who was slowly pushing himself to his feet, like a cat unfurling itself from someone’s lap. “Yeah,” he scoffed. “I can tell.”

Rhys finished tucking in the hem of his shirt. “Feyre was just telling me that you haven’t been sleeping well,” he offered. “I actually just attended a lecture on—”

Tamlin stopped him. “No offense, Mr. Psychology Major,” he said coolly, “but stay the fuck out of my head.”

“Tam…” Feyre chided as he turned to go.

Rhys said quietly, “It’s just a reaction to stress. Don’t take it personally.”

Tamlin turned on him and snarled, “You know what? Fuck you.”

“Hey,” Rhys said, spreading his hands wide. His voice was irritatingly calm. “I’m just trying to help.”

“By fucking my girlfriend behind my back. Thanks a lot.”

“Tam!” Feyre cried. “What’s the matter with you?”

“Oh, so it’s true, then.”

Her face was bright red. “We’re just friends. Besides, you’re never around anymore. You’re always skipping classes and leaving campus to hang around with that guy. If anyone is fucking anyone, it’s probably you.”

Tamlin’s face grew hot as he pointed at her. “You take that back.”

“Oh, so you can dish it out, but you can’t take it?”

“You have no fucking idea what I’ve been through, all right?”

“That’s because you won’t tell me!”

He considered telling her. He wanted to yell it. He wanted to scream out what had been done to him, but even as he opened his mouth to speak, he realized they weren’t alone.

Kallias and his girlfriend Viviane were sharing a beanbag chair in the corner and staring at him. Tarquin and his cousins were sitting on the opposite couch, their study books forgotten as they stared at him. Thesan was standing by the fridge, letting all the cold air out as he stared, too. When he noticed Tamlin glaring, he spread his hands wide and said, “Hey, I’m just here for the snacks, man.”

Tamlin growled and turned away. “Just—just do whatever you want,” he told Feyre quietly. “Break up with me already. I don’t care.”

“Tam,” she said gently, stepping around the couch to get closer to him. “I do care about you…”

“Yeah?” he said, looking her over. “You cared so much you forgot to put on a bra. Makes sense.”

Her face flushed as she frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. “You’re being a real jerk.”

“Don’t worry. It’s just a reaction to stress,” he said sarcastically, then stalked off.

Tamlin was halfway down the hall when Rhys grabbed his shoulder. He shook him off and whirled around. “Don’t touch me,” he snarled.

“Apologize to her,” Rhys said sharply.

“Leave me alone.”

Rhys stepped closer. “Not until you apologize.”

“Back off.”

Rhys squared up against him. “I said: Apologize.”

“And I said: Back. Off.” Tamlin shoved him.

Rhys shoved back.

The next thing he knew, both Tarquin and Kallias were hauling him off Rhys, everyone was shouting, and his nose was bleeding.

Feyre knelt beside Rhys on the floor, who was holding his jaw. Blood trickled from the corner of his mouth as he sat up, helped by Thesan and Feyre. As she put her arm around Rhys’s shoulders, she looked to Tamlin and cried, “What is wrong with you?”

Despite having his arms pinned back by two of his friends, and hot blood surging through his veins and dribbling from his nose, Tamlin suddenly felt very cold, and very, very alone.

* * *

Lucien couldn’t help but stare, too, as Tamlin finished his story.

Tamlin’s arms were resting his knees, and his gaze was distant as he slowly wrung his hands, as if they pained him. “Of course, it wasn’t long after that that the school threatened to expel me if I didn’t get my act together. If my grades hadn’t been so excellent before that semester, they might have. It must be stress, they said.” He snorted. “What a joke.”

Lucien blew out his cheeks, then slapped his knees and got up from the loveseat to pace around the room. “Damn,” was all he could think to say.

“Now do you understand why I left?”

Lucien huffed a laugh. “Yeah. No kidding.” He ran a hand over his hair and stared into the crackling fireplace. “No shit.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tamlin push himself to his feet. “I’m just gonna… you know… get my coat and… and go.”

Lucien dropped his hand and turned to face him in surprise. “Why?”

“‘Why?’” Tamlin echoed incredulously. He spread his hands wide. “Weren’t you listening?”

“Yeah. I was. Tam, everything you told me is a goddamn tragedy. Just because you punched Rhys in the face for not respecting your personal space doesn’t make you a monster. You’re not your dad. You never were.”

Tamlin looked like he wanted to argue, but then his face crumpled and his chin began to tremble. “Goddammit,” he whispered, then covered his face and began to cry.

Lucien went to him at once. “Hey,” he said gently. “Come here. Come on, come here,” he coaxed, putting his arms around him. It was like trying to hug a bag of bricks, but at least Tamlin didn’t try to push him away.

Tamlin’s body trembled as he tried to hold back his tears, but when Lucien refused to let go, his arms lowered, then slipped around him.

“There you go, Tam. It’s okay,” Lucien assured him as his hold tightened. “It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

Tamlin’s fingers curled into Lucien’s sweater, then his head bowed against Lucien’s shoulder as his body began to shake with sobs.

Tears touched Lucien’s eyes as well as he held his friend and let him cry. Years of sorrow poured out of him like so much rain. And such pain. Lucien wished he could take it all away, but this would have to do for now.

When Tamlin’s tears began to slow, Lucien rubbed his back and murmured, “I’m really sorry I wasn’t there for you, man.”

Tamlin let out a shaky sigh, then sniffed. “It’s okay,” he whispered.

“No, it’s not okay,” Lucien said, pulling away to look into his eyes. “You needed me, and I didn’t know it. I was too busy pretending I wasn’t so goddamn homesick that I wished I’d never left Prythian.”

Tamlin’s face was flushed, and his long, golden eyelashes were wet. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Lucien said softly. “I really missed you.”

Tamlin sniffed and swiped at his nose with the back of his hand. “You mean you missed home,” he murmured.

Lucien shook his head. “No. I missed you,” he insisted, then squeezed his friend’s shoulders. “You, Tam.”

He wasn’t certain how it happened, but it seemed to happen in slow-motion, but in that blink-and-you’ll-miss-it kind of way. They were standing so close. Closer than friends usually stand. But they were more than friends, and always had been. And in that moment, they both seemed to realize it, too. Emotions were high, defenses were low, and thoughts were nonexistent when their mouths came together.

Tamlin tasted like coffee without any sugar, but his lips were sweet and gentle. Before Lucien could steal another taste, Tamlin suddenly broke away, breathing hard and blushing furiously.

“I-I don’t know why I just did that,” he stammered.

Lucien stared, scarcely breathing. “It’s okay,” he rasped, but his voice sounded somehow distant. Perhaps it was the blood roaring through his veins. Or his heart pounding in his ears. He swallowed hard. “Are you okay?”

Tamlin nodded quickly. His throat bobbed. “I’m okay.”

“Okay.”

Tamlin ran a hand over his hair, then jerked his thumb at the door. “Do—do you want me to go?”

Lucien managed to shake his head. “No.” He swallowed again and managed, “Unless you want to—Um, do you want to stay?”

“Uh… I, yeah. If—if that’s okay.”

“It’s okay.”

“Okay.”

In the awkward silence that followed, Lucien scratched below his ear. “Do… you want to sit down?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

It was almost laughable, the way they squeezed themselves onto opposite ends of the loveseat when there was a perfectly good couch on the other side of the coffee table. But having already sat down, it would have made the situation even more awkward if Lucien stood up to move away now. Tamlin was fragile, as fragile as spun glass. Lucien didn’t want to risk hurting him. Especially after that… that kiss.

He was still thinking about it when Tamlin broke the silence.

“I’m really sorry,” he blurted. “I—I’m… I’m just…”

“I’m not,” Lucien said quickly.

“You’re not?” Tamlin’s brow furrowed. “Not… not what?”

“I’m not sorry.”

“Oh.”

When Tamlin fell silent, Lucien risked nudging him, though gently. “What did you think I was going to say?”

Tamlin rubbed the back of his neck and winced. His face was deeply flushed. “Not gay,” he muttered.

Lucien couldn’t help his smile. “We’re the only ones here, Tam. You can say gay. Because I am.”

Tamlin blinked. “You are?” When Lucien nodded, he asked, “Since when?”

Lucien shrugged. “Since Jesminda, I guess.”

“Jesminda? Who’s Jesminda?”

“This drag performer I dated for a little while: Jessie. Jesminda was his stage name.”

“Oh. Oh.”

Trying to smooth out another awkward silence, Lucien offered, “We met three years ago. It was for some big charity drive, and he was performing. I approached him afterwards and told him I liked his style, then he asked me out for a drink. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but…” He shrugged. “It seems I have a thing for musicians.”

“Huh.”

Lucien smiled to himself when Tamlin didn’t seem to catch the hint, but that was okay. He had a lot to process.

While Tamlin sat back, deep in thought, Lucien decided to keep talking.

“Anyway, I really liked him, but he had really, really expensive taste, and my dad was starting to notice. He was already pissed about one of his sons dating a drag queen, but there wasn’t much he could do about it, except cut me off from the Autumn Corporation expense account.” Lucien shrugged at the uncomfortable memory. “Then, when I didn’t have as much to spend on Jessie’s outfits or take him out to fancy dinners every night, he broke up with me.”

“Oh… I’m sorry.”

“I’m not. But what are you sorry for?”

Tamlin shrugged a shoulder and looked away. “I don’t know. The fact that he only wanted to be with you for your money, I guess.”

“Yeah, well. It’s kind of hard to find someone who doesn’t, you know? Being a Vanserra, and all. And being a Vanserra man who’s only interested in other men only makes it harder. That’s why I don’t date much.”

“Oh.” Tamlin dropped his gaze and slowly ran a fingernail along one of the gold stripes of the loveseat fabric.

“What about you?”

Tamlin looked up, startled. “What about me?”

“Have you, you know, dated anyone since…?”

Tamlin snorted. “Since Feyre broke up with me? No.”

“So you never…?”

Tamlin’s cheeks flushed again. “Kissed anyone?” he said quietly, dropping his gaze. “No.”

Lucien nodded thoughtfully, then said, very gently, “I didn’t mind, you know.”

Tamlin’s fingers curled into a fist on the loveseat between them. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Lucien’s soft smile faded. If he wasn’t careful, Tamlin was only going to pull away again, or worse, shatter completely. “Maybe… it was just a reaction to stress,” he suggested softly.

That got Tamlin’s attention. He stared at Lucien, and Lucien stared back, until all of a sudden Tamlin cracked a smile, and the tension eased at once.

Tamlin chuckled and dropped his gaze as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah. Maybe.”

Lucien smiled and let himself relax against his corner of the loveseat. “It doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to,” he offered.

Tamlin kept his gaze averted as he murmured, “What if I want it to.”

Lucien sat up, but didn’t dare move closer. Not yet.

Tamlin continued, “What if it means everything, but it means losing you?”

“How could you lose me?” Lucien said fervently, “I’m right here.”

Tamlin’s eyes were once again wet with tears when he looked up and met Lucien’s gaze. “Outside of Jurian, you’re my only friend, and…”

“That’s not true. What about those people at Annie’s? That giant and that-that waitress. They really seem to care about you, you know?”

A sad smile touched Tamlin’s mouth. “Yeah, but…”

“But what?”

Tamlin’s throat bobbed. “What if it doesn’t work out?”

“What if it does?”

Tamlin didn’t seem to have an answer to that, but at least he didn’t move away when Lucien shifted closer. Nor did he pull away when Lucien reached out and gently covered Tamlin’s hand with his own.

“I’m willing to try if you are, Tam.”

Tamlin didn’t say anything at first, but he did slowly turn his hand over, then curled his fingers around Lucien’s. “Yeah,” he said at last. “Okay.”

#woop woop #new chapter #tamlin x lucien #lucien x tamlin #tamcien #acotar fanfic #my fanfiction #my writing

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livealittleoc-cb · 1 year

Text

As Fate Said

TW FOR MENTIONS OF HARASSMENT, IMPLIED RAPE, SEXUAL THEMES, ABUSE, HEAVY DARK THEMES, BLOOD, DEATH [PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I MISSED ANYTHING]

Ancient Egypt.

The pyramids were up high, pharaohs ruled and the gods and goddess were in complete rule. Within the confines of Astria gods and goddesses need to live a section of their life in human life to understand humans. In Egypt gods are heavily needed and sought out so even in human form they don’t hide like the Greeks or the Norses might.

Wadjet the snake headed goddess known as the eye of the moon, with her oracle told of what was to come and what was destined by fate to happen.

Anubis, first son of Osiris, was destined for greatness. Keeping the balance of life and death and helping the other gods in the underworld keep the balance.

Set, the second son, was not so lucky. He was destined for corruption. Told that he was to blame for all the bad to come to Egypt and any other country.

He was shunned, harassed and went through constant hate from humans and some of the other Egyptian gods. He hated leaving, home was his safe place. He loved his parents and his brother, all three believing in his greatness, in his ability to change his fate and become a good god. But once this hate started spreading to them Set couldn’t handle it anymore.

He packed and ran away.

He was 15 human years.

He wasn’t going to allow his family to get hurt because of him. So here he was, walking along one of the villages near the pyramids. He was famished and thirsty, unaware of how long he actually had been gone for. As he walked, avoiding people as best as possible, making sure his face wasn’t seen until he bumped into someone. A man. A beautiful one.

Set looked up at him in awe before shaking his head and muttering a soft apology about to scurry away in fear. Until the man spoke. “I’m sorry there little one, it was my fault.” He sounded charming, alluring, safe. He shook his head a little before stepping back to leave again. “Wait. You look hungry.” That’s when he noticed the tail and ears on top of Set’s hair. “Oh? A god…” He looked him over before realizing who it was. “Ah, you’re Set, the destined god of calamity.~” Said man smiled at him and Set looked at him confused.

He wasn’t bidding him away or yelling at him for being a bad luck charm. He smiled at him and Set felt warm. “I…yeah. That’s me.” He said with a nod. The man nodded his head giving him another smile.

“I see well, Set-”

“Please…Please call me Seth.”

“Well Seth, come with me and I’ll feed you. You seemed famished and then you can maybe tell me why you’re so far away from the godly village.” He said holding his hand out to the boy.

Set looked at it and carefully took it. He was led to a big building that looked to have many rooms. He told him why he was there and he was promised safety and a roof over his head.

That was until he realized where exactly he was.

At the cusp of 17 about to turn 18, Set realized everything. Everything clicked. The sounds of pleasured screams, men yelling, slapping, yelling.

He was put to work, cleaning rooms, changing sheets and all the stuff no one else wanted to do. One of the workers, Amunet, was a kind woman who secretly helped him do these chores.

That’s when everything started going downhill.

“Mahmoud, you are not doing this! You can not! He’s just a young boy!”

“He’s almost 18 Amunet, you don’t see how the customers look at him. He can bring us good money.” Mahmoud, Set’s savior, as the boy addressed him, spoke as he shook his head.

“You’re taking advantage of him! Of his nativity! You should have never brought him he-” A loud slap was heard and the woman gasped. She held her face in shock as she looked at him in disbelief. She glared at him before pushing a finger into his chest. “I hope the gods make you pay for all of this.” She snapped before storming away.

Once at 18 is when he started his training.

“Seth my Kamilah [perfection]~ It’s a big day today.~” He hummed as he settled Set on his lap, lightly caressing his cheek and neck with his fingertips. Set shied away, Mahmoud frowning slightly at that before sighing. “Now I’m going to teach you your new position here.” His hands went to the boy's hips holding him down, unable to run away. “Starting today you are a worker here and my personal assistant.” He eyed him and Set's eyes widened as he shook his head quickly.

“No. No. I don’t want to. You…You never said anything about this when I first came here!” He said as he tried to push the man away. Mahmoud rolled his eyes as he grabbed his wrists and pulled him forward.

“That’s until customers started to ask for you.~ You’re pretty, Kamilah, I can’t blame them for wanting you. It took me this long to hold back from taking your innocence.” Set started to panic, chest heaving as he tried to wiggle away. This wasn’t real. It wasn’t happening. “Now, you’re going to be a good puppy for me and listen to everything I tell you.” He leaned close to his ear. “You know what bad boys get.” Set froze before tears started to roll down his eyes but he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t fight back, he let it happen and that simple fact made him feel even more disgusted.

That’s how it was for the last couple of months.

Any time he was bad Mahmoud beat him, left him to starve, locked him in dark rooms with no interaction for days. He was purple and blue, mentally never really there. Being with the customers was one thing…but being with Mahmoud was different. Worse.

The brothel owner ruined him.

At one point pain mixed with something else.

With adrenaline. With a rush and tingle. With pleasure.

He would act out just so the man would purposely hit him, he wanted to surge. The rush he got from being hurt.

He was disgusting.

Set was never allowed to wear gold. His favorite color. He wasn’t ‘pure’ enough for it. Mahmoud made sure to remind him about it every time he got punished, every single day, he was no longer innocent.

Everytime after the punishment he got praise. He ached for that praise more than the pain.

“You’re such a good boy, Kamilah.” Mahmoud said, caressing his cheek, tilting his chin up. Set’s swollen lips part as he panted softly. “You behaved so well, did so well for me.” His chest bubbled with pride at the words. “My beautiful Azizi [precious].” He melted.

He was so so disgusting.

Today felt…off. Like today something was going to happen. Set didn’t have any customers for the day and was changing sheets. He had been punished for the last couple days, not having eaten, his stomach growling in pain. Amunet sneaked into Set’s room as he arranged sheets, a bowl in her hand. “Hello my child.” She smiled softly as Set perked up happily and hugged her tight. Tears pooled at the corners of his eyes as she softly cooed him. She was basically his second mother and he was so happy to have her. “Please don’t cry little one. Here I brought you something to eat.” She smiled down at him and handed him the bowl. He gratefully took the bowl and ate from it. Normally Amunet came when Mahmoud wasn’t in the building and everyone had a little more freedom.

Today was different.

He came back earlier and walked into the room.

Yelling. Screaming. And then it happened. Mahmoud over Amunet, blow after blow as the woman cried and screamed.

Something broke in the 19 year old’s head. He went to get a knife from the kitchen and the next thing that happened he plunged it into the monster’s back.

He was seeing red.

Stab after stab. Blood gushed everywhere as the boy cried and screamed. “Die! Die! Die!” Even after he was dead he kept stabbing him, years of trauma coming undone.

“My child! Please!” Amunet sobbed as she moved behind Set. She hugged him back and calmed down. He dropped the knife and his mind focused. He killed him.

More tears fell from his face as he choked on sobs. Amunet comforted and tried her best to get him to calm down. She quickly started to pack their things, grabbing his hand and dragging him out.

The oracle was right and fate came true.

He eventually got back home.

His parents and brother were crying and happy to see him.

Everything became grim when he told them what happened.

He was the reason Anubis became mute. It was his fault the world is the way it was.

He was a mistake.

The god of chaos and storms hummed as he sat on his throne, in god form. He sighed, annoyed, wishing that he could leave and not deal with any more foolish offerings. He barely got any as it was. He blew a puff of his cigarette as his inky eyes looked at the human cowering below him. “You want me…for some sex thing?” He snorted before scoffing. “I’m not a sex god.” He growled as his clawed hand went down to grip the human's face making eye contact and blowing smoke into their face. “Pathetic.” He growled as the human shook. Set eyes them before laughing in their face.

Deranged. Crazy. Gone.

“How cute~ Hm, maybe I change my mind.” He let out another puff. “Let’s see your offerings and if I deem them good enough I’ll let you suck me off.~” He grinned, inky black eyes starting to pour golden tears.

Gold. Purity. Happiness. Divinity.

It was a cruel joke.

The last shreds of his innocence poured down his cheeks as his mind fogged.

Fate is cruel sometimes.

possible new residents: @monsterhigh-cb [🐟💙 && ⚡💖 && 👻💜] @faywithlove @theinvitation-bot @badbf-cb @welcome-to-maniac [🐇🖤] @darkmoonsiblings @clubwnderland @supernaturalcb @domxbot @ocmyths @fantasyaespa [💚🐈 && 💎☀️] @thepatchedpaw @redlight-cb @dawnswonderland-entertainment @k-pop-shelter @fantasy-teez @bluerosemafiacb [🔪❣️] @beastfights-starting @divineblood-cb @cave-of-celestials @urtwice @welcometosector1 @9ateez-multiau-bot @wolfpackcb @mxthxbot @lunaaofthemoon @littleboywooyoungie @musiclovermino [🎶💛] @k-venturetime [🍓❣️] @multi-joong [🌧️🧡] @reve-rv @k-half-blood @multi-esme @the-hellhounds @kquestrian @kingtaythecute @kardpackcb @3rachabot @kingdom-of-dicentra @starhunters-reign @elemental-dream @namiras-rose-tattoos @glamrockpop-cb @storybook-nct @dreampodcast @beaconhillsxbot [DM + / -]

#🌪️set.txt #update.txt #i feel like this was badly written-

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thetardisisnotourdivision · 2 years

Text

I know I'm probably gonna get a lot of hate for this, but I'm getting really worried that the only "socially acceptable" feminism is entirely men-centric.

Like. In a debate in class, everyone was making a huge deal out of women abusing men - which, of course, does happen, and should stop. People were saying bullshit like, "men are abused more than women nowadays", and "men have less power than women now", and wildly inaccurate statistics about false accusations of rape "ruining men's lives" on the regular, which boiled my blood enough to make me finally put my hand up (I'd hoped not to get involved, as I don't like speaking in class and knew what would happen if I did get involved). But the fact is that as soon as I brought up female abuse victims (which is the far more common version), everyone turned on me and said I didn't care about male abuse victims. Every point I made, no matter how precise, how factually correct it was, I got shot down with "Yeah, but what about men?"

And another thing, how "radical feminist" has come to mean "misandrist". I am a radical feminist. My feminism is women-centric, but is intersectional - basically, it focuses on all victims of the patriarchy, and doesn't pander to men. But men don't like that, so "radfem" became equivalent to "man hater", and liberal feminism, which is much less about women's liberation and much more about "empowerment" while withholding actual power, is the only socially acceptable thing to be.

The media focuses on male victims of the patriarchy. When a woman is abused by a man, no matter how, it's part of everyday life. We all know at least one woman or person who was AFAB who has faced abuse at the hands of men. But when men are abused by women - again, no matter the kind of abuse - it's a huge deal. We're told that feminism is oppressing men, and that men are now the victims.

And then, even after all this sensationalisation and scare-mongering, often when men report abuse they do get ignored. But this is not feminism - this is the idea that women can't abuse men because we're weak and subservient.

I don't know. Someone can probably explain this way better than I can. But the fact remains that whenever I said something in that "Do We Need Feminism Anymore" debate that didn't centre around men and how they suffer "because of feminism" - or rather, because of the patriarchy backfiring - I was attacked with phrases like "you just don't care about men" and "sexist". Feminism is no longer allowed to advocate for what it is all about - it has to tick the boxes and fit through the gaps to please people, ironically, just like women are supposed to. So we can say things like "girl power!" to a thirty year old woman, and then tell the same woman she should have worn a longer skirt.

I've said it before and I will say it again. Feminism is about gender equality. If you don't stand for total equality - total liberation - then you are not a feminist.

#feminism #misandry #fuck the patriarchy #intersectionality #male violence #patriarchy #feminist #radfem #radical feminism #radblr

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not-a-space-alien · 2 years

Note

I saw your post about abortion and no, it shouldn't be free, it should only be free to women that have suffered rape, in any other situation women shouldn't be allowed to abort mainly because women nowadays sleep around, being a slut is practically normalized at this point thanks to feminism... Which I have a very strong opinion on, but back to topic, if you sleep around and don't even use protection or any of the various contraceptives women have that's almost entirely on the woman because she knows she can get pregnant but because she can undo it with no consequence she'll just do it and no, the excuse of "I was a naïve young girl" or "I got manipulated" is hardly valid, men look to fuck and can only do that if the woman opens her legs and since she can get pregnant for that she should be responsible and not sleep around and as I said, even then she has lots of options so getting to the point of abortion is practically on purpose and no, the excuse of "I didn't know what contraceptives to use" to that I say, internet's a thing. But back to the main point, the reason abortion shouldn't be so accessible because it allows for the disgusting habit of sleeping around which yeah, it's kinda gross... I'd fuck a girl who sleeps around, I guess but would never get into a relationship with one, much less marry... The stats paint a clear picture on how that'd go... But back to the point, having so many ways out of pregnancy out of wedlock not only encourages sleeping around but also makes women less accountable for their decisions, proof of this is terms like "slut shaming", "fat shaming" and well, you probably know a lot more so instead of inventing all this terms women should just be better and I could branch into feminism but I'll only do so if you want to hear, I wanted to tell you this much, though and no, I'm not saying men are perfect but we get called out for our bullshit while women aren't called out often enough and you didn't seem to be aware of this lack of accountability caused by feminism and sexual liberation, anyways, hope this was insightful and you see a bit more now, it isn't as simple as you may have thought, not that I'm an expert

Wow! New copypasta everyone

#this is the definition of 'there's a lot to unpack here but let's just throw away the whole suitcase'

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icefrye19 · 10 months

Text

Chapter Five : Familarize

━━━━━━━༺ - ༻━━━━━━━

Co writer @bellarkeselection

A few days later

At the Salvatore school, the super squad along with Caroline and Alaric were discussing what they should do to try and get Lizzie back. But they hadn't come up with anything yet. The blonde headmistress sighed heavily. "Ric, calm down. We started this school to protect these kids. From where I see it that's what Lizzie is doing."

"Yeah but Caroline, she's our daughter. She shouldn't have to do that guys bidding." He slumped his shoulders with his hair tousled around.

Caroline gazed at him deeply. " I know, we will get her back."

Hope glanced around at her friends sadly. " This is all my fault, I should've never let her go with him."

"It's not your fault, Hope you did the best you could." Cleo said, placing a comforting hand on her back. "I should've been there with you guys."

Ben gazed around the room at his friends in pity knowing how they felt. " It still wouldn't have made a difference, you guys still would have no chance against my father and siblings."

"I don't believe that I still have a chance to save my sister." Josie added on into the conversation.

The demigod shook his head. " Lizzie gave herself willingly to my father, he will never let her go. She's his prisoner from this day to the last."

The young siphoner's eyes widened at his words. " Would your father hurt her?"

" Yes." Ben replied. "Though in other cases he would take her as his lover for the time being."

" WHAT! " Alaric yelled, his eyes flashed in anger.

MG who was silent for the whole time cleared his throat and spoke. "Lizzie would never let him touch her. "

Ben glanced over at the vampire. " My father doesn't need her permission. Even if she refuses he'll still sleep with her against her will."

" Are you saying your father would rape her." Caroline asked, her eyes widened in horror.

The demigod lowered his gaze to the floor." Possibly, I don't know." I mean my father never had to rape a women to get what he wants from them. Women are more than willing to jump into bed with him."

" Lizzie isn't like those women." Jed said. " She must be terrified."

The super squad stood around the table determined to get Lizzie back. But, how would they get her back without bloodshed.

That was a question that they had to figure out quickly.

Valhalla

Lizzie couldn't stop herself from pacing after she finally was given time away from Ken to let her mind wander. She wrapped her arms around herself feeling her mind plotting so many different scenarios and she didn't know how to control it. "I can't do this...He's married to another woman who he probably still loves. Not to mention she had a boyfriend who she loved dearly. "She thought.

This was just an act at the end of day she was putting on, but in order to keep her act going she would have to sleep with The God again.

The young Saltzman shook her head knowing she wouldn't be able to push through seeing as he has a wife. She was sleeping with another woman's husband that made her a whore.

The doors to the chambers flung opened where she stumbled backwards against the bed seeing Ken stomping into the room in anger for some reason he grabbed her by the waist pressing his lips down upon hers roughly kissing her. She pushed her hands against his chest. "Ken no. I'm not doing that again."

"I've had a bad day, witch. I don't care what you want." He growled pushing her down on the bed about to kiss her again.

Lizzie quickly gripped his forearm when he was hovering over her siphoning from him before she launched him onto the floor holding herself up on her elbows. "That doesn't give you the right to use me as some whore."

"We had a deal, Elizabeth!" He growled, flashing his golden eyes when he forced himself to his feet right in front of her.

"We did, before I found out you were married." Lizzie hissed. "I can't do this with you anymore, you have a wife who you love, maybe you should try to work things out with her."

He shook his head. "That's not gonna happen."

Lizzie gazed at him deeply. " Why not? You still love her don't you.

"Because she's gone, siphoner!" He growled in her direction.

" Well, I'm sorry for your loss." Lizzie mumbled. But, I can't sleep with you again. I have a boyfriend who I love dearly."

Ken scoffed at her words. " If you really loved him, then you wouldn't have slept with me.

The heretic glared at him. " You didn't give me much of a choice. Besides, you're awful in bed, you suck at pleasing women."

"Hah. Now I know you're joking. You have barely anyone to compare me to." Ken laughed dryly at her words knowing she was lying.

" My boyfriend is ten times better than you!." Lizzie exclaimed. "He knows how to keep me satisfied more than you ever could."

Ken stepped closer to the heretic where she could feel his breath on her face when he spoke to her. "He can't see inside your mind like I can, Elizabeth. And you're sending me mixed signals here. One minute you say you don't want me and then you're the one talking about that I can't please you. You're giving me a challenge in my opinion."

Lizzie laughed sarcastically. " I hate you so much I can't stand you." I don't know what I was thinking of giving myself to you. You just... just... a.. a-"

"What, Elizabeth? You can't even finish the sentence telling me that you're hiding something from me." He met her eyes.

"You are so annoying, King of the Gods!" Lizzie growled under her breath before she vamped forward colliding with his muscular body where she grabbed his shoulders, crashing hers lips upon his not being able to stand talking with him anymore now.

Ken grinned at her actions leaning back into the kiss wrapping her arms around her waist tugging her closer to him.

In a matter of seconds clothes went flying around the room and the two found themselves in bed consumed in their own pleasure.

The next thing Lizzie knew she was moaning in the crock of his neck, closing her eyes as he thrust inside of her hard and fast.She felt like a slut carving more and more, what the hell was wrong with her. Ken pecked her lips softly after he released himself inside of her.The heretic was still annoyed by him and his actions, but hated to admit there was nothing better than angry sex.

The god flopped down beside her on the bed let out an amused chuckle. “You are so confusing you know that…but you certainly are rather good at pleasing me.”

“I'm not talking to you.” She grumbled laying beside him looking at the ceiling.

Ken rolled over onto his side with a huff, twirling some of her messy blonde hair in his fingers. “So you sleep with me but won’t talk to me. Hmmm I think you need to learn your lesson, Elizabeth.” He moved his other hand to her hip feeling her jump when his fingers moved across there so he just started ticking the crap out of her.

“Ken….Ken no stop it.” She squealed uncontrollably when he hoped above her, giving him across to get both her hips where she couldn’t remain silent in his current actions.

He smirked proudly when she squirmed underneath him until he put his nose against hers knowing she wouldn’t last. “Do you cave now?”

“No…ahh…fine I give in.” She attempted to fight him but he tickled her once more where she could barely get her words out.

He stopped his movements, smiling at her brightly. “ I told you I always win.”

Lizzie gazed over at him deeply, laying a hand on his check gently. “ Yes, you do.”

The two leaned in towards one another gazed at each other deeply, their eyes meeting one another. Just as their lips were on the verge of meeting, until the door opened up with a bang and Marcus walked in. L"Father, uncle wishes to speak with the witch now."

"Marcus, get the hell out of here." Ken snapped at his son.

Lizzie scuffled to pull the covers up over her naked body blushing deeply. "Oh don't worry dear. Be lucky I wasn't Trevon."

“ You bedding this whore, father.” Marcus snickered, glancing at his father. She must be really good in bed for you to be treating her like some prize."

He rolled his eyes. "Why does my brother wish to speak with her? Tell me so I can send you out of this room before you ruin the moment anymore."

Marcus shrugged his shoulders. "Apparently he wishes to get to know her more and what she can do with her powers."

Ken gazed over at the heretic, noticing her nervous reaction. “ She’s my prisoner, she stays with me.”

“ Why are you protecting her, father?” Marcus asked, crossing his arms over her chest. "She’s our prisoner. You should share her with the rest of us."

“ Watch your tongue, son.” He said, sternly glaring at his son coldly. "She belongs to me and only me."

The young god nodded. “ Of course, father.” My apologies for overstepping.

Marcus walked out of the room closing the door behind him leave his father and the heretic alone.

“ Why is your brother interested in me?” Lizzie asked.

Ken shook his head putting his hands behind his head. “ I don’t know.”

The young Saltzman gazed at him. “ We still have a deal right? If I satisfy your needs you’ll leave my friends and family alone."

"Yes we do. Now where we're we, Elizabeth?" He sent her a seductive look tugging on the sheet she was holding tightly to her chest. He leans forward, capturing forward, capturing his lips with hers deeply.

She let the sheet drop, putting her hands on her shoulders and returning the kiss for a little while. He moved his fingers through her hair until she broke it. "We should see what he wants.."

"I'd rather stay here." He said in a raspy tone rolling her onto her back with him above her.

“ Your son knows about us now.” Lizzie mumbled. "He’ll tell the others."

Ken drew her in for another kiss. "You're a queen."

She pulled away from him shaking her head. “ You don’t understand the gravity of this situation. We agreed to keep this a secret from everyone, now your son knows and he’ll tell others."

“ MG can’t find out about us.” She added.

Ken sent her a slight glare. "You shouldn't care what other people think of you and I. We have the power here, Elizabeth."

“ I care about MG, my boyfriend, the boy I’m in love with.” Lizzie exclaimed. "I’ve hurt him in thehim in the past before. I can't keep hurting him. If he finds out about us, he’ll be devastated and hurt."

He shook his head burying his face in the crock of her neck covering it with kisses to distract her. "Then break up with him. Because he will have to understand that.. you… are mine now.”

The young Saltzman scoffed at his words. “ I am not breaking up with MG. I love him too much to just walk away from everything we’ve been through."

"I think it's time we go see my brother now." Ken grumbled tossing the covers aside walking across the room pulling his clothes on and off the floor.

“Don’t you want to finish what we started?” Lizzie teased him lightly.

He tossed her discarded clothing at her where it hit her almost in the face. "Not anyone, witch. Get dressed!"

Lizzie glared at the god. “ What’s your problem now?

"My problem is that you won't shut up about MG. What is the point of me even trying rather than just sleeping with you if you keep talking about him!"

“I'm your whore, remember.” Lizzie reminded him. We’re not in a relationship and never will be. You”ll soon get bored of me you’ll move on to the new women

Ken dropped his hands frustrated. "My daughter is terrible at giving advice. That boy she's sharing her bed with will pay!"

The young Saltzman shook her head. “ What is wrong with you? Must you be so cruel and evil all the time, you wonder why I won’t give you a chance look at how you're acting now."

“ You're full of it.” She huffed, turning around beginning to put her clothes on. "Ben was right about your ass, you’re jerk-"

Ken snapped back. "I'm just what hmm?" There was a deep growl in the tone of his voice.

“ A jerk.” She hissed, shrugging her dress back over her head. “ No wonder why you don’t have friends because of how you act. You remind me a lot of my friend's dad, Klaus Mikaelson." At least, he changed his ways for Hope and became a better person.”

The God shook his head at her amused. “ And that’s why he died.” He was the most feared person in the world, but he became weak and vulnerable, letting his guard down. Love is weakness, little witch.

Lizzie turned around staring at him deeply. “ It’s not, it's actually strength.” Love always conquers against evil.”

"This isn’t a fairytale in one of your ridiculous books." He rolled his eyes at her words. Love doesn’t exist, girl.

“ It does.” She said, "You love your children whether you like to admit it or not. If you didn’t, you would’ve just asked Jen to build one coffin for you to hide from Malivoire."

Ken turned his back to the heretic heading to leave the room. "We're done with this conversation!"

“ You're a coward you know that “ Lizzie hissed.

Ken moved forward with fast speed putting her in a chokehold against the bedpost. "Call me a coward again and you'll be back in that cell of yours instead of luxury with me!"

Lizzie glanced up at him, deeply remaining untasted. “ I don’t give a damn what you do with me. I would rather be back in that cell than have to spend another waking moment with you."

"That can be arranged then." He tightened his grip on her neck.

She began to let out a wince feeling her airway begin to get cut off. “ At least, I’ll be at peace afterwards.” She thought as she waited for him to kill her and be done with it already.

Yet he released his grip, tossing her small body to the stone floor. "You will speak with my brother and then you will be back in that cell until you remember how to act around a God!"

“As you say, your grace.” She got up from the floor wiping the blood from her face. “May, I freshen up first before we go?”

"Fine but make it quick." He responded sternly.

She walked past him making her way towards the bathroom once she was in the bathroom, Silent tears streamed down her face as she desperately pressed her hand against her mouth, trying to stifle her sobs.

The heretic looked at her reflection in the mirror seeing her face was bloody and neck filled with bruises. She gripped the countertop unaware that the God could hear her in the other room.

Ken leaned against the doorway feeling his patience being tested by the minute. He walked towards the bathroom leaning his ear against the doorway hearing slight cries on the other side. Ken slumped his shoulders feeling guilty that he was the cause of Lizzie's pain at that moment.

Lizzie walked out of the bathroom not even looking at him. “I'm ready now." She mumbled finding him back by the doorway like he wasn’t listening.

"Good ladies first, Elizabeth." He opened the door letting her leave knowing he would have to lead the rest of the way there.

#legacies #lizzie saltzman #legaciesjen #legaciesben #jed #kaleb hawkins #cleo sowande #caroline forbes #alaric saltzman #josie saltzman #ethan machado #legacies ken #danielle rose russell #jenny boyd #fanfic #dont like dont read

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ladymorghul · 1 year

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Aegon was drunk when he raped Dyana and considering the "except sometimes when he's drunk" part from Helaena I really think the writers tried to make the point, that he's truly uncontrollable when drinking too much and yes, forces himself on women (and no, being drunk does NOT excuse his sexual crimes at all), including Helaena when he's in their chambers and not out there in Flea Bottom or with some unfortunate maid in the castle. Although I think he does the same to other women when he's sober, but in that case he mostly ignores Helaena considering his comments about her before the marriage. I doubt he had a change of heart about her in the meantime and is now having romantic feelings about his wife.

Back to that line, honestly what woman would want to have sex with their drunk husband? To allow allow a drunk husband to force himself on them? No one and I don't get the people who think the toast was the way she tried to express her disappointment in him ignoring her or similar interpretations. The subtext is way too obvious IMHO: he neglects her when sober and has sex with her (or rather, forces himself) when drunk, but maybe it's like you said and nothing bad happens. Other than that I don't think there's been any other indication of potential abuse in their relationship, like physical abuse. And by the way, Viserys wasn't physically abusive towards Alicent either but this doesn't change the fact it was marital rape (judging by our standards since marital rape is not a thing in Westeros) which we should call out and condemn, that Alicent was obviously unwilling to sleep and have children with him so from this point of view I think some Greens are intentionally pretending not to see the fact Helaena and Aegon's marriage is pretty much the same like most arranged marriages in Westeros and not some loving thing where both spouses love each other and want to make love with each other: no, they both have to do their duty and have sex against their will to produce heirs and have no choice but to do so and accept it (well obv Aegon, unlike her, has the privilege of being a male and is choosing to cheat with several other women but this is different matter).

hmmm

viserys and aegon are not in the same position considering that viserys consciously chose alicent hightower, his daughter's 14 year old best friend whom he knew since she was a child (and who was still a child at that time), to wed and bed her vs aegon who was betrothed to helaena when he was 13.

like yes aegon sleeping with an unwilling helaena is marital rape but ultimately, like you said, this is probably like at least half of the forced marriages.

and while we don't have helaena's pov on aegon pre feast, i too don't think the writers' goal were to imply helaena wants aegon's attention. i could be wrong tho.

but yeah, aegon, as a man, does have privilage over her and they are judged differently by their society.

i'm trying to keep some hope alive that what transpired or hasn't between them goes as far as aegon attempting in his drunken state to sleep with helaena and helaena being like fuck off.

in any case im currently beating aegon behind a denny's just for good measure. whether my hope ir real or not. im just thinking that it would be horrible for helaena to endure this on top of everything headed her way. and i want her magically safe from it. but im not denying that aegon is a pos w women especially.

to me the reaction in the room was a little weird ngl. no shot directly on otto or aemond or even hell, rhaenyra, for some negative reaction. daemon giggles. alicent looks confused, otto cheers on helaena at the end, viserys is like myeah whatever, music please?

#asks

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saiilorstars · 2 years

Photo

Dare To Forget Me

Ch. 41: Tell & Hush

Previous chapters // Montserrat’s masterlist

Fandom: SVU

Pairing: Rafael Barba x OFC

Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.

Taglist: @ocappreciationtag @arrthurpendragon @anotherunreadblog @maaaaarveeeeel @stareyedplanet @averyhotchner @abzidabzy @hellofutur @foxesandmagic

[If you’d like to be added to this specific OC’s stories/edits, send me a message!]

It was a crazy idea to even think that his grandmother would know about Montserrat but when Catalina asked again, Rafael was sure that he heard her right. When he looked over to his grandmother, she was smiling at him the same way she had when she'd ended his mother's interrogation earlier. She knew something alright, at least she thought.

"What's her name?" Catalina repeated her question, her smile widening when her grandson froze all over again.

It took Rafael a minute or so to be able to move his mouth. Had she just really asked that? How could she know to ask that? "I-I don't...I don't understand the question."

"Aha," the sarcasm was quite evident in his grandmother's tone, even with one word. "You hate those albums. They might as well have cobwebs. Y ahora, and now, you're going through every last page. Who changed your mind?"

"Abuelita, nadie did. Nobody did. I just...really did want to find a few pictures." For all his talent at talking, it would be no use against this woman.

"I won't tell your mother if that's what you're worried about. She has a bit of a tough personality - that's where you get it from - so you want to keep things quiet. Pero espero que no para siempre. I hope not forever. La quiero conocer pronto. I'd like to meet her soon."

"There is no one to meet because there's nobody," Rafael knew the argument was in her favor but he would still make an effort to change things. He closed the album in his hands but he left the one picture he'd liked sticking out like a bookmark, and walked to the couch. "No hay nadie. There's no one," he said as he took a seat beside Catalina on the couch.

"Don't lie to me. A mi no. Not me," she wagged a finger at him, much like when he was younger and he was trying to get away with something. "Why keep her a secret? I won't tell, I promise. Is she the one asking for pictures?"

Rafael looked away as he considered his next move. Catalina watched him with an amused smile. She knew him like the back of her hand. She didn't press but she did take the album from his hands and opened it up to the page he left it on. She picked up the picture he'd taken out and chuckled.

"She'll like this one. You still have the same big eyes."

"Abuelita, there is no…" Rafael trailed off at his grandmother's soft face. She wasn't saying it again but her expression did it for her. She knew. And there was no way around it. Maybe...maybe he shouldn't try to get around it. Somebody from his side should know about the best thing in his life right now. It was funny how different it was now. He had straight up lied to Olivia earlier when she made the same question yet right now he was tempted to do the opposite. Maybe it was because this time it was his grandmother asking. He had always had a connection with her, being her only grandson prompted it. He always talked a lot, he might as well talk about the person he liked most.

"Well?" Catalina was patiently waiting for him to speak up, though she didn't specify what about.

"...her name is Montserrat. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now. A month, actually." Time actually flew by for him now that he thought about it. The days didn't seem to drag on and his nights were actually eventful now.

Catalina would humor him by feigning surprise. "No!"

He playfully rolled his eyes. "Alright, fine. Me doy. I give up."

"Ya lo sabía," she patted his cheek. "I knew it. You hate these pictures."

"Yeah I do," he momentarily frowned at the album on her lap. "But Montserrat's curious about them. She asked if she could see some." He shrugged in resignation. "So here I am."

"You should show her this one," she pulled out another picture from the next page. It was his fifth birthday and he had a face full of chocolate. "To this day I have never met anyone else who loves chocolate cake as much as you do."

"Oh sure, pick the embarrassing ones," Rafael took the picture from her hand to study it himself. The cake had been small and it was mostly on his face after attempting to take a small bite out of it for the cameras. The sugar had been too sweet and he dove for it. "Because Montserrat needs another reason to make fun of me." Although he was lying if he said he hated it. Her tongue was quick to make a comeback when he bickered with her and it was fun.

"Well, one of you needs to have a sense of humor," Catalina said. "I'm glad you picked a woman who does. You could use some cheer in your life with the type of job you have...not to mention the women you picked before." She didn't hide her disdain for his past.

Rafael didn't need a reminder of his poor taste in women. They weren't all bad but...he definitely traded up with Montserrat. He smiled at the picture and kept it, along with the first picture he found.

"Comó es? Montserrat?" his grandmother asked, confirming if she'd gotten the name right. "Con ese nombre debe de ser Española."

Rafael laughed. "No, she's not from Spain. She's Slovakian and Mexican."

"Es extranjera," Catalina's eyes widened, perhaps dramatically, either way it made him laugh again. "She's a foreigner."

"She's from here, just like me."

"Where did you meet her?"

"At work. She's a detective from the squad I work with."

"Y comó es?"

"She's...pretty amazing." Rafael thought that was an understatement. In a short amount of time Montserrat had proven to be very different from everyone else. From the start, she had managed to impress him and yet scare the living daylights out of him. She was the only woman he knew of who withheld labor to finish a trial. From then on, she showcased her exceptional talent of keeping up with his fast mouth. He always got complaints from everyone he worked with. They claimed he needed to tone it down, stop arguing so much, but never from Montserrat. Her only complaint was that he was a smartass, something he did not deny and something she didn't want to end either. She knew exactly how to keep up with him and sometimes go beyond him. He loved that. He didn't have to change to be around her. And God knew that he was forced to change in prior relationships.

"Nada más?" Catalina had waited a few minutes but her grandson was long gone in thoughts.

Rafael smiled at her. "I could go on for hours. To be brief, she is somebody that makes me happy. She's someone that I don't have to change anything for. And you know my mouth…"

"Mhm," his grandmother nodded. "Gotten you into so much trouble before."

"It still does," he admitted. "But it's fun to banter with her. She has her own mouth too. Plus, she understands my work. That's a huge reason why I stopped seeing people in the past. There was always trouble with my schedule. Montserrat gets it and she fixes our dates. If I have a long night, she stops by the office with some take out. She doesn't care if we have dinner in a fancy restaurant or on the couch of my office." He was supposed to be brief and this wasn't even half of what he thought about Montserrat, but for now it was enough.

"I'm happy for you," Catalina said. "And I'm happy that you're happy." She could see it off his face from a mile away. "And I told you that I want to meet her soon. I won't tell your mother but I think you should tell her later on."

"I will. I just want to wait. We're doing fine right now and it's nice keeping quiet about it."

"I will keep the secret," Catalina promised him and then set off to help him find the best pictures for his next date.

~0~

Kara yelped when she bumped into Montserrat in the kitchen. "Jesus, you are nothing without coffee!" Kara rubbed her nose as she moved around her roommate to get to the fridge.

Montserrat hugged her coffee mug tightly as she went for the kitchen table. "Sorry. I'm a bit tired. I stayed up late watching stupid audition videos and when I say 'audition' I really mean—"

"Don't!" Kara quickly waved a hand at Montserrat. "Spare me the Special Victims horrors, please." She dug into the fridge and pulled out a few fruits. "I was supposed to have dinner with Sonny but he cancelled because of those videos you guys had to watch. How long have you been watching them?"

"It's been a few days," sighed Montserrat. "I want to stick pins into my eyes."

Kara had spread her fruits on a cutting board and grabbed a knife to start making her breakfast. "Honestly, I don't know how you and Sonny can be at that job. I would've quit on the first d- no!" she raised the knife into the air while she thought, "I'd quit in the first hour."

Montserrat chuckled behind her mug. She took the last sip of coffee and went to leave it in the sink when someone knocked on the door. She swiped a few pieces of apple from Kara's bowl, smirking when Kara yelled a "Hey!" at her.

"Share!" Montserrat laughed and rushed to go open the door. "Oh, Rafael, what are you doing here? Pretty early…unless you really don't sleep."

Rafael rolled his eyes at her. "So this whole sarcasm is an all-day thing, huh?"

Montserrat smirked. "You would know."

"I know you were headed to my office anyways so I just came by for you," he said, choosing to end that soon-to-be banter. He just really wanted to see her.

"Oh. Sounds good to me," she smiled. "Give me a sec." She left him at the doorway to grab her coat on the couch. She was heading back when she remembered something else. "One more thing!"

Kara was just coming out of the kitchen with a bowl of cut up fruit when Montserrat raced over to steal a few more pieces, this time pears!

"Stop doing that!" Kara cried but Montserrat was already on her way back to the door.

"You are terrible," Rafael chuckled when Montserrat closed the door behind them.

"What? Nobody cuts fruit like her," Montserrat shrugged and offered him a slice of pear. He shook his head and led her to the elevator. "So how come you're here so early? I mean, I don't mind but I am curious."

"I told you I wanted to see you," Rafael said and pulled her into the elevator.

"Yeah, it does feel like it's been some time since we last saw each other," Montse swallowed the last of her pears. "Those videos have taken up my entire week. I swear to God if he's not in jail by the end of the week I might just finish the job, because after what I've seen…" She shuddered.

"We'll get him," Rafael assured her despite having his own reservations. The case was wobbly from the start and if it wasn't for Liv, he probably wouldn't have batted an eye at it because of the lack of evidence. He did hate seeing Montserrat so worked up over it, especially when she was forced to see those videos.

The two left the apartment building and started for the office but midway, Rafael pulled Montserrat into her favorite cafe shop.

"Okay, you are being extra sweet," Montserrat laughed once they were back on the street. She carried her favorite vanilla latte, he his dark roast, and an order of peanut butter brownies that she just knew he wouldn't ever order on his own. At least not until he would try them. "What is going on?" She eventually asked him when they reached his office.

"Nothing, is that so hard to believe?" Rafael laughed at her suspicious face. She had a way of narrowing her eyes that, because it was just them, didn't look so threatening anymore. If this had been work-Montserrat he might have felt a little something.

"Well...kind of," Montserrat let the bag of brownies drop on his desk.

"Am I not allowed to be spontaneous?"

"I'd hardly call it 'spontaneous' but...different, yeah."

"Well, I just woke up in a good mood." Rafael set his coffee down and let a moment of silence pass by before talking again. "On an unrelated note…" he started making his way around his desk.

"Ah, there it is," Montserrat smiled knowingly as he came up to her.

"I may have had a little conversation with my grandmother…"

Montserrat watched in bemusement as he set his hands on her arms, giving them a light squeeze. "Riiight...and…?"

"She sort of figure out that I was seeing someone and...and in the end I didn't exactly deny it." Rafael knew that was understatement. He had a very long conversation with his grandmother about Montserrat. "I told her about you."

"And?"

"And? That's it." Montserrat waited for something else, for the big thing that had him acting so strange but apparently that was truly it. "You're too funny sometimes and that's astounding because up until now I didn't even know you were capable of being funny."

Rafael's face fell flat at her innocent jab. "You're not funny at all."

She leaned on him and offered up her best smile. "I like to think that I am, just a bit anyways. But right now, I'm being serious. You told your grandmother about us, so what? I told Kara 3 days after it happened."

"I wasn't sure how you would react, that's all. It's one thing to tell a friend and another to tell a family member." But now that he could see her reaction, a layer of nervousness disappeared from his shoulder.

"If anything, I should be nervous," Montserrat's voice went down a notch. "What did, uh, what did she say?" Her hands suddenly started fixing his tie despite there being nothing wrong with it. "Any inclination of whether or not she'll like me when the time comes to meet her?"

Now it was Rafael's turn to be amused with her. It was so quick how her entire demeanor changed. "She'll like you. She said she wants to meet you soon." Montserrat's hands froze over his tie. Her eyes widened in shock and an utter fear that almost made Rafael laugh. "What? Is that too much?"

"Just...just surprising. You're not gonna make me meet her right now, right? Because I need to know way in advance so that I can prepare."

"Montserrat, calm down," Rafael had to release at least a chuckle. He rubbed her arms comfortingly until she breathed normally again. "And I thought I was nervous."

"You're not the ones who'll have to please your mother and your grandmother!"

"No, but I will be the one to officially meet your father and brother."

Montserrat was about to respond when she realized he was right. They would both have to undergo similar moments with each other's family. "Oh God...let's just never meet each other's family!"

Now Rafael laughed. "Trust me, my grandmother may be elderly but she still has strength."

"Well, maybe one grandmother might be easier," Montserrat swayed her head until she chuckled. "Oh God!"

"You'd be amazing, I know it," Rafael kissed her forehead.

Montserrat felt her face warm up when he leaned back. "You think she'd like me? Seriously?"

"No doubt about it. Who wouldn't like you?"

"You, when I first got here."

"I did, it just so happened that you were a bit more irritating than everyone else."

"And what about now?" Montserrat once again leaned on him and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Well, you're still irritating—"

Montserrat rolled her eyes. He just couldn't say it.

"—but I find it much more endearing when it's you."

That made Montserrat's face light up with a wide smile. Rafael thought she looked even more beautiful right now. No wonder Damian wanted her too - who wouldn't?

But she's mine, Rafael made the happy conclusion. She was there with him, hugging him and talking about the day they would inevitably have to meet each other's family. As nervous as that idea made him, he wouldn't give her up for anything. He'd do all the introductions, the meetings, the revelations that - yes - he was actually dating someone.

"So, anything else you wanted to add?" Montserrat asked him.

"Actually," he unfortunately had to untangle one of her arms from him so he could retrieve something from his inside pocket. "I have something for you."

"More?"

Rafael pulled out the three pictures he'd taken from his mother's place. As soon as Montserrat knew what they were, she squealed and stepped back. "You brought them!? You actually brought them!?" She was in utter disbelief.

"Listen Montserrat, when I make a promise to you, I will always keep it," Rafael said as seriously as he could.

She beamed and swiped the pictures from his hand. "I believe you now! C'mon, before you regret it," she grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the couch.

"Oh, I already do regret it," he had to say when they sat down together. She rolled her eyes at him and made herself comfortable on his lap (the only good thing to come out of this entire situation).

"Aww, look at you," she started with the first photograph. It was the chocolate cake one — of course it was the chocolate cake one! "How old were you here?"

"Five," he sighed with resignation. "They said take a small bite for the camera and—"

"You obviously heard 'devour the whole thing' instead," she laughed. "Some things never change, huh?" She made a nod towards the brownies still sitting on his desk.

"Those are for you and you know it!"

"Yeah, but we both know you'll be more than happy to help me out with the load!"

He rolled his eyes at her. "Montserrat..."

She had already moved on from the topic. The pictures were practically gold in her hands. "You're so adorable. I think there's more cake than you in the picture." She had a light laugh as she switched to the next picture. Her heart melted at the sight of his child version grinning at the camera with a book in his hands. "Let me guess, your first book?"

Rafael was smiling just as proudly as in the picture. He was four and if he remembered correctly it was the day he figured out how to read his first book. Looking back, it was probably an over exaggeration but he was four and so proud of himself. He held his book to the camera and had the grin of a lifetime. "Maybe."

Montserrat laughed. "I have one too. I also have a video where I got mad and I threw the book."

Now it was Rafael's turn to laugh. "Why am I not surprised?"

"But look at you," she gingerly grazed the picture in her hand. "You have the same eyes."

"My grandmother said the same thing."

"They're beautiful," she said as if it truly was the first time she came to see his eyes. "Are they from your grandmother?"

"No." There was a slight edge in his answer that she picked up fast. She glanced up from the picture to see his face harden. "They're from my father."

"Oh," she said quietly. She should've realized before but despite not talking a lot about their families, he never really said anything about his father. She got the gist it was the same situation she had with her own mother. Ironically, she got her own eye color from her mother too.

"Yours have to be better, though," she ultimately decided. She gave him a short kiss on the lips afterwards.

He gave her a weak smile in return. "You think so?" She nodded. He sighed and ran his fingers through her curls. "I never thought of that."

"Well you should," she gazed at the picture again.

The absolute fondness she had on her face made Rafael feel a certain type of way. No one ever really gave him that look — at least none of his exes had.

"Can I see the third one?" Montserrat eagerly asked, her fingers already doing the switch of pictures.

Rafael laughed. "I guess so."

The final picture had himself as a seven year old standing in front of a playground's monkey-bars. Like the other two pictures, his grin was big enough to crack his face. It was such a novelty sight for Montserrat considering nowadays it took a lot to make him smile in public.

"What's going on here?" she nudged him for the story.

"It took me a while but I was finally able to make it all the way through the bars."

"Ah," Montserrat laughed. "The menacing monkey-bars. You're absolutely adorable." She put the pictures on the coffee table then shifted her body to better face him. Her arms wrapped around his neck before she gave him a long kiss on the lips. "Thank you for this," she said afterwards. "I know that you didn't want to, so...thanks."

"I liked it," he admitted. "I never really showed any pictures to anyone. It's never been my, uh, style but you've bee pushing me to do new things."

"If I ever get too pushy, tell me," she said, leaning her forehead against his. "I don't want you to feel like you have to do something just because I said it. I know I was pushy with the pictures—"

"No, you were just you. Trust me, if I hadn't wanted to do it...you would've known." He tucked a few curls behind her ear and left his fingers fall to its tips. "But it seems like you have me wrapped around your finger."

"Me?" she feigned surprise. "I don't think I have enough power to make Rafael Barba do anything."

He rolled his eyes at her. "Yeah, well, up until you showed up that's the way it was. Look what you did."

Somehow she wasn't all that upset about it. Her response was that he had done the same to her.

#ocfairygodmother #fd: svu #svu #rafael barba #svu fics #rafael barba fics #rafael barba imagines #svu imagines #law and order svu #oc: montserrat novak #fic: dare to forget me

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bruce-wayne-simp · 1 year

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Ok im watching pirate radio/the boat that rocked because I'm a Tom Sturridge stan now

(The movie follows Carl (Tom Sturridge) a 17 year old who got expelled from school for doing drugs. His mother sent him to live on a boat with his godfather Quenton and the band of DJs who run the pirate radio. Shenanigans ensue, the British government tries to take them down, its a good time. Also its set in the late 60s)

I'm like 15 minutes in and it's awesome so I'm gonna liveblog i guess

This is gonna be very Carl-heavy (see 'im a Tom Sturridge stan' above)

Also spoilers if you care about being spoiled for a movie that came out in 2009

From the summary i thought Carl was gonna be some tough-guy rebel but he's just so smiley and innocent and respectful and it's rly sweet. Idk if it's a British thing or what but yeah

The guys are all very stereotypical "guys" and i honestly kinda love it

The one scene where Carl is kinda settling in on his first day and he comes into the Count's DJ space(?) is so funny. Hes like 'are you nervous' and gives Carl a hug then slaps his ass and tells him to get the fuck out

The f-word scene is BRILLIANT. Go watch the clip on youtube it's so good

Carl just revealed hes only been to all boys boarding schools and as a result he is a virgin and has also never kissed anyone. I know enough about this movie to know it comes up later. Also the way he can barely say 'sex' is adorable

Also Carl is very relatable

Midnight Mark is kinda hot ngl

Oh Jesus christ 🤦‍♀️

Apparently 'later' is NOW

Secondhand embarrasment galore oh my god 😭😭😭😭 poor Carl

Dave tried to trick his hookup by letting Carl have sex (basically rape) her so he could lose his virginity. For what it's worth, Carl is reluctant because of the morality of it (and he's an impressionable 17 year old) and she turns the light on and sees him and they both scream

Omg we're at the scene where we meet Bob. Poor Bob does the show early in the morning and nobody ever sees him so when he comes down in the morning everyones like 'who tf are you'

Thick Kevin: what was his name again?

Young Carl: Really?

Oh btw Thick Kevin and Young Carl are roommates on the ship

Aww Quenton gave Carl a date w his niece, Maryanne, for his birthday

Lmaoo he literally said hi to Maryanne and then left and is asking Dave for a condom

'Do you know how it works?' Carl, babe, your answer doesn't sound very convincing

Carl, my love, you JUST MET HER. I cannot overstate how naive he is.

Dave is an asshole. That's all. (He almost fucks up Carls chance with Maryanne and then sleeps with her while Carl is looking for another condom)

'Maryanne, I see you.' Heartbreaking 😭😭

Honestly there are some very sweet moments and this is one of them 😭😭😭

Harold and John bring Carl tea and biscuits while he's sitting on a bench, upset. They don't say anything but by the end of the scene Carl is eating a biscuit and smiling and Harold gives him a hug 😭😭😭😭😭😭

(Link to the scene bcs its so sweet: https://youtu.be/66U9Kfr4UhE )

And honestly when Gavin gives him the condom was kinda sweet too. Like he's proud of him and gives him advice (bad advice, but still it's the thought that counts)

I fucking love Felicity. She's the only woman on board full time and that's because she's a lesbian. I hope she gets her girlfriend ❤️

Omg Midnight Mark was having an orgy lmaoo

Simon is so sweet😭😭 He went to Carl and Kevin's room and told them he's getting married and I'm pretty sure just asked Carl to be his best man??

'HANDS OFF, YOU LESBIAN' Love it

STAG PARTYYYYYYYY

Omg he's known her for 2 weeks

This entire sequence is very British 😭😭

Oh God they're all hungover

Ooooh who is Carl's father???

God he's so pretty in this scene

Link to gifset (if ur a sandman stan you've seen it before):

'I think sometimes i should be called Clever Kevin. What do you think about tha-' *falls out of bed*

THE WAY CARL DIDN'T EVEN FLINCH AT KEVIN FALLING 💀

Aww Simons speech to the listeners about his wedding was sweet

THE WEDDING

Simon holding Carls hand and Carl being like wtf and walking away

Quenton: We are gathered here in the sight of God, apparently. Which is, I don't know, scary?

Carl is smoking while being Simons best man i love him (Protip: looking for Carl in a scene? Look for a cigarette first)

Oh god Simons new wife just told him she's in love with Gavin

Oh no she only married Simon to get on the boat to get with Gavin :( Poor Simon

Top tier music choices all around though

Harold is such a good friend

Everyone here has two brain cells between them (yes im at the Chicken Game)

Aww Gavin apologized to Simon

Lmao they're basically playing never have i ever

Aww Carls mom is coming by

'Just in case you wanted to brush your hair or hide that stack of pornography you keep on that shelf' QUENTON

Oh god he's dreading seeing her

Aww Kevin wished him luck 😭😭

He asked if Quenton was his dad and his mom was like 'uh no wtf'

Its BOXING DAY

'It was a shag well shagged the night you made this little fella' Dave to Carls mom

DAVE SAID CARL IS ONE OF THEM AND THEY WANT HIM TO STAY FOREVER AWWWW

The posh government people on boxing day im sobbing its so funny and silent

Oh god Bob is Carls father (Bob gave Carl a message earlier and he told her right before she left)

She was like 'How old are you' and did the math from there lmaoo

CARLS MOM SLEPT WITH MARK HAHA

'Telll Mark it was a lovely night!' 'NO! NO!!' lmfaooo

Carl is telling Bob hes his dad oh my god its so sweet

JOHN DON'T INTERRUPT. FUCK

Parliament just created an act making pirate radio illegal as of new years day

Quentons like 'pirate radio is dead' and everyone else is like 'nope'

The Count pulled the 'Murica card lmaoo

'Obviously im in. You're the only people in the world who like me' IM GONNA SOB GIVE CARL A HUG RN

OMG MARYANNE IS BACK

And her friend Margaret

Carl ur so fucking cute (he ssked if she wanted to play scrabble or something 😭😭😭)

OUR BOY IS DOIN IT

omg is Felicity gonna sleep with Margaret??

Lmfao the FUNNIEST SCENE

Ok so Carl comes out of his room in the morning, he turns around and the entire ship is standing there cheering, The Count is on the air and the nation (20 MILLION PEOPLE) are waiting with baited breath as to if Young Carl lost his virginity

The Count is asking him if he did it lmaoo

The Count: -and remember, the reply 'i don't wanna answer that question' means yes

Young Carl: im certainly not going to answer that question

Lmao John is reporting it as news 😭😭 'a nice young man has lost his virginity in the north sea'

Lmao Felicity and Margaret are popping their heads out of another door and everyones smiling GOOD FOR HER

Lmao they're leaving and Felicity is holding a huge sign that says I love you

Listen its the 70s lesbians gotta do what lesbians gotta do

Omg the govt raided the wrong ship 💀💀💀

Holy shit the engine just exploded on the ship as they were sailing away

'Ok the good news is the engine has just exploded and we're all going to die' Quenton NEVER misses

(The bad news is theyre gonna drown/freeze to death in the North Sea btw)

Theyre asking fans for help

Gavin: Here's a rather long record. I hope I'm here at the end of it.

FUCK

They're all grabbing the shit they can/stuff they want and can carry

Carl just ate shit oop

Oh wow the government isnt gonna save them bcs of 'costs'

Midnight Mark is a badass. Going through a sinking ship in leather pants?? Unmatched. Icon.

Lmao Angus is like 'i know nobody here particularly likes me but I'm glad to have known you all' and Simon is like 'no!! Everyone here likes you. Raise your hand if you like him'

And everyone does except Dave who tries and can't make himself do it so Simon says to be honest and everyone puts their hands down lmaoooo

Oh no where's Bob? Also Carl literally says 'where's my dad?' And i just wanna know if everyone knew beforehand or if that's how they found out who Carls dad is

Omg Bob had no clue the boat was sinking because he was listening to music

Bob just let go of your fucking case you are both DROWNING

Aww Dave saved Carl bcs he felt guilty about sleeping with Maryanne

God they're climbing up to the top of the ship now

Oh no the Count is gonna go down with the ship

Lmao Carl said fuck

FANS ARE COMING TO THE RESCUE

Theyre jumping in to swim to the rescue boats and Bob and Carl held hands to jump in together 😭😭

Gavins doing a backstroke lol

MARYANNE SAVED CARL (and kevin)

The rest of the ship is going under

THE COUNT RETURNS

EVERYONE'S ALIVE WOO

And the movies over, bye lol

#pirate radio #the boat that rocked #tom sturridge #rhys darby #should i tag this as sandman #nah #changed some spelling errors oop

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ap0wersstories · 3 months

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A good deed punished for Madison

*Important Note*

The following story is 100% fiction with zero real world relevance, non-consensual sex/sexual assault of any kind is wrong and should never be accepted. If you are considering or have committed such an offence I suggest you get serious psychiatric help.

====================

Madison walked down the street on a warm day, she often likes to just for walks to clear her head. Her busty boobs couldn’t help but look like they were popping out of her blouse. She been brought up in a conservative household and was always told to help those in need.

As she was walking down the street she saw a man in an alleyway foraging though a bin. She was overcome with a desire to help the man, she approached the man who appeared to be in his late 30s possibly 40s, hard to tell because he was so ragged. “Excuse me, would you like me to buy to a meal?” The man turned around and immediately was struck by her huge boobs, it had been so long since he’d had sex with a woman, immediately his cock was hard. “Ah yeah, but the thing is I’ve got something here and I’m worried they might get stolen. Do you mind if you help me grab them first?”

”Oh of course!”

They rounded the corner of the alleyway and no sooner were they out of line of sight of anyone the homeless man tripped her over so she was on the ground. “What are you doing?!”

”Shut the fuck up” he grabbed a bottle by its neck and smashed it against a pole, he held it up right near her neck. “Unless you want to get this in your throat your going to shut up!”

Madison whimpered, “please don’t hurt me, I only wanted to help.”

”oh you are going to help me, I haven’t fucked a woman in months and this is REALLY gonna help me!!”

Madison was frozen in fear, she was worried he was going to be unhinged and kill her, she decided the only thing to be done was to let him do what he wanted. Seeing her be compliant he tore open her top revealing her huge tits, immediately he sucked on them hard biting her nipples. He then flipped her skirt up and pulled her knickers down revealing her pussy, it had been so long since he’d tasted a woman and he buried his face in her pussy sucking hard and licking her out.

Madison couldn’t help but moan as this dirty animal licked her out. Satisfied that she was wet enough for him he pulled down his dirty pants and revealed his filthy cock, it looked cracked with mud on it and had scabbing formed on it, she was in no doubt that it must be diseased. He mounted the terrified woman and as he was about to thrust he said “you wanted me to be a charity case, well you’re going to accept my donation now!” And with that he thrusted his disgusting cock into her pussy, Madeline could feel his awful cock moving in and out of her, it made her feel physically ill that this man was raping her.

The homeless man was filled with lust and sexual frustration, all of that build up was being unloaded onto Madison. He was so turned on her barely lasted 1 minute before he busted his nut inside her, his filthy cum coating her insiders. Madison could feel the homeless man’s cum inside of her, she hoped that this was going to be the end of her ordeal but she was wrong. After pulling out he moved to her mouth, “open up and if you bite I slice your neck open”. Not wanting any further harm to come to her she obediently sucked on his filthy cock, “that’s it baby, suck it clean. It’s been needing a clean for a long time, use your tongue, that’s the way. Oh fuck yes you’re getting me hard again!”

No sooner had he said that he got up and flipped her onto all fours, he stuffed her panties in her mouth and without warning he plunged his cock into her ass. She screamed and moaned into her panties gag, the homeless man grunted like an animal as he fucked her ass. She was being fucked like a dog, she even felt like a dog or even lower. He used her hair as leverage to get his cock deep into her and fucking her for a few minutes he felt his second orgasm coming. “Fuck yes, you fucking slut you’re gonna take my cum in your ass!!!!”

With that final comment his cock exploded inside of her, he grunted hard as her twitching ass milked his cock. Finally he pulled his cock out of her, she was shaking at the violence she’d just experienced. He pulled his pants on and left her to pick herself up. She lay they for 5min before crawling onto her feet and putting her panties on, slowly moving out of the alleyway. Her knees were bloodied and she looked an absolute mess, as she walked out she realised that no good deed goes unpunished.

#sexstories #sex fantasy #rapekink #rapetoy

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heartsoftruth · 4 months

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I think there is definitely harassment there no one should deny that and just because there wasn't any dick picture doesn't allow people to dismiss that and say it's a banter and not worth it because hell no this is actually a typical harassment that a woman go through at work with her boss and as a woman i know that she has to somehow act unaware of it or even play along like people are saying because she's actually scared to lose her job (like all women tbh) within the team she obviously loved and well it's because he's him and we all know that he got privilege and hell we saw that ever since day one but i know for sure she just reached to a point where she couldn't handle the shit anymore and preach for her and i really hope she gets her justice and may god protect her and stand by her because it must be awful for her now. It's just disgusting how people actually tried to play out that she was okay with it and she wanted something out of him while she literally sometimes showed how bothered she was with him and his actions some people really be like it's not harassment until there's some official nudes or serious touching or even rape because they really be thinking that words can't make you feel scared or uncomfortable and disgusted i hate ignorant people i swear, and i really really feel her because i myself went through such shit at my workplace once where my obviously much older boss (i was like 22 and he was 45) took advantage of the position that we were alone in his office and started to ask me about sex and what's my opinion on it and how i feel about it and how i actually had to play so stupid and that i understood nothing just to get out of the situation fast enough and i was scared to say anything just so that i don't lose my job or that he does something to me or my family because he was a wealthy and well known man in my country (celeb too lol) but thank god i left a while later and got into something much better and safer place so yeah i feel exactly what she's going through and i know exactly why sometimes she had to go on with him within the chat and play dumb i hate men i hate ignorant people i hate everyone who will try and still defend his ass or say everything was light and it was a stupid fun banter between the two of them

Sorry for the long ass rant but it's just it got on my nerves badly and reminded me of a disgusting scary period in my life too and just wanted to let it out somewhere and it pained me how much people can really have zero empathy on others like how could you live with yourself ffs!

Hi anon, First of all thank you for your ask and most of all your story. It's very brave to share and I'm glad to read you no longer suffer from that disgusting man in your work environment. ♥️

I do feel maybe it started with something consensual at the beginning (how far that went I have no idea). But that's just how I feel a little with the screenshots from the beginning and some lines. Then she lets him know - in the nicest way possible - no and to stop. Probably indeed like you said, because she's scared for her job. Knowing how powerful he is and his position in the team vs hers...

At the end however you can see she becomes more firm in her no and then he becomes more nasty/desperate I feel? Trying to control her? Apparently being jealous and what I think is very upsetting for her is changing her role which she clearly says she loves. Indeed for her sake I hope she is the leak and not some asshole from within RB who had access to these files. Because imagine we are all reading this from the outside, but it's her life. Or was because if one thing is 100% sure it's that she's currently not working in her position and with him staying she will never again.

I indeed don't feel she wants something out of him. No money no nothing (otherwise she would have taken the 650k). She just wants justice and to - probably - do the job she loves... Which is sad to think she never will again within RB..

#anonymous

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horatioo · 6 months

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callout post for muy fuckign mom part one: at first i srs'd

welcome to eliot rambling about how much he fucking dreads going home for break this year. i'm your host, the fucked up talloran version of lobotomy corporation adam who keeps getting used as a fucking armrest.

this is my unwilling audience member azarel and my apparently quite amused audience member gregory. they might pipe in.

broad tw for child abuse and stuff. also csa mentions. im going to make a part two that is just me listing out goofy shit

PART ONE: THE BEGINNINGS

picture this. i am like seven years old and crying in the upstairs bathroom in my house. i have been yelled at for stepping on the floor or something i actually don't remember. my mother said she wished i'd never been born. seven year old me agrees with this. this is why i am crying inconsolably in the bathroom.

she apologized later that day but. like. that was a regular occurrence. usually not those words but i got yelled at a lot as a child for weird and relatively minor things, such as...not wanting to eat a vegetable, not knowing our multiplication tables, and other stuff.

but the yelling isn't that bad because it stopped when we were like nine so it doesn't matter + ratio + i don't care. (gregory is informing me i should care, but he's also shoving popcorn in his mouth so i am disregarding his advice.)

now the thing that is BAD in my eyes is how much she like. impresses her worldview on me. which would not be that bad if she didnt STILL DO THIS now that i am EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. she has done this as long as i remember.

you may ask "what kind of worldview?" WELL,

the world is doomed and we are all going to die of global warming in my lifetime and there is no fixing it but i still need to try because otherwise i am a Horrible Person

even if global warming doesn't kill me, i have zero career options because everything is going to be taken over by machines, and the one option i did have is ALSO being taken over by machines, so fuck you

but don't slack off in school because that's morally wrong

if the global warming and the joblessness doesn't get me, well, the country is going to shit and there's no hope of saving it

oh and if that wasnt bad enough, well, somehow socialism is bad so i cant support that because its bad

also because i was born a woman, everyone will always see me as a woman, and thusly i must Always Be Paranoid that someone is going to rape me and then kill me. i must Always be alert. i must Always be prepared to fight for my life

that last one is probably true tbh

i think you can kind of understand why i have depression given this is ALL I WAS EVER TOLD WAS THE FUTURE. like yeah man. maybe i should die, if this is true!

also she constantly vents to me and talks shit about my little brother to me, but then i will start complaining about one thing and she's like "Okay but [solution based off insane misinterpretation of what i just said"

and i will say "that is not what i said, i said [clearer explanation]"

"yeah so you're saying [exact same misinterpretation]"

"no"

it is frustrating as fuck. she told me there was no way my uncle could have sa'd me as a child because "she never left me alone with him" (blatantly untrue). yeah whatever.

also before my suicide attempt at 13, i got my electronics taken away because i failed latin, and she yelled at me for sneaking them anyway. except. i was homeschooled, and that...was kind of...my only outside connection to the world that wasnt dictated by my mom. so yeah !

also i told her i was depressed before my attempt and she was like "no youre not" lol. lmao

PART TWO: MORE AWFUL SHIT

so i did just mention the venting and complaining. yeah well that is EVERY SINGLE TIME I TALK TO HER.

and this happens with stuff i do, too. like. i am perpetually afraid of fucking up and constantly walking on eggshells around her because if i upset her she wont TELL me. she'll just treat me like a biohazard for the rest of the day while pretending she's not.

and GOD forbid i try to Not Be Sick or not get HER sick. i said "hey i skipped the dead week of class before thanksgiving because we weren't learning anything and i didn't want to bring anything home!" and she said "You know that will affect your grades, right? You have no more absences, you told me. You shouldn't have done that :/" and then pushed me out of the house as soon as she could.

she is a constant wedge between me and my brother because she will snap at my brother for small things like forgetting to move an object, being "too loud" or talking too much, accidentally interrupting, having the GALL to be snarky like a normal teen, etc.

she also makes you ask before you get any food that isnt fruit, which SOUNDS fine but she heavily regulates what my brother eats because hes unhealthy (which. i was too before i moved out!) and not me.. and then she wonders why my brother gets upset about me getting special treatment...

shes also just. so incredibly passive aggressive. i know i said that but like i constantly assume everyone is mad at me because shes ALWAYS mad at me about something but she never SAYS what shes upset about. usually its that i dont tell her things, but when i DO tell her things OH MAN then she pulls out the disappointment.

PART THREE: OH LORD

so. the reason i'm not allowed to post about the. uh. p-word thing happening in the world right now. is because. she told me. i'm not allowed to. because i will ruin my family's life, and even if i don't have a future my family does! and if i even SPEAK of it online on a blog NOT AFFILIATED WITH MY DAD it will be traced to him and ruin his life and we will be homeless and it will be all my fault

that is the actual reason i had to delete my old blog. that is why i cannot reblog the posts. because she has this threat hanging over my head. and you may ask "why not just do it behind her back?" well,

i am kind of scared because when she says it, it sounds reasonable. and it took several people pointing out that its not really reasonable for me to even start looking at the things she says and going wait, thats...not normal

she treats me like a therapist and a family jewel, not a person. she wouldn't speak to me for an entire night when i was around 13 because i said maybe we shouldn't let alt-righters take the ok emoji from us at the dinner table. and its just. yeah. whats the point in trying anymore? the world is ending and im going to die before i hit 30 anyway!

except, like. thats. kind of awful. and its kind of awful that even after a suicide attempt at THIRTEEN my mom kept telling me these things and emphasizing how bad the future will be and how easy and good my life is now

except it isnt because i wasnt allowed to meet my friends without asking her, i wasnt allowed to go OUTSIDE without telling her, i wasnt allowed to go to the corner store or the mall or anywhere without supervision until LAST YEAR, i wasnt allowed to quit classes even when i was being called RACIAL SLURS at the age of SIX, i wasnt allowed to TELL MY THERAPIST THINGS!!

i could not. tell my therapist. about anything she did. because i knew it would come back to her somehow. i would let it slip or cps would be called. the second one is what she told me when she said "dont tell your therapist about your father hitting your brother" (he. hit him lightly with a leaf, by the way, i doubt it was even painful) and then she got angry when i did anyway

so i just stopped telling my therapist things over time because what if this was the thing that got cps called on us? what if i was the reason our life was ruined?

and now i cant start again.

great job mom.

same with meds. she makes it so im afraid to take meds. i dont take my anxiety meds that ARENT HABIT FORMING because im scared i will get addicted and anyway, more meds is more expensive and i dont need that many meds the goal of meds is to get off them someday!

and i shouldnt ask for upped doses of my meds noooo. not unless im suicidal.

god forbid i try a new med. nothing thats even close to a stimulant! nothing habit forming! i cant even do SLEEP MEDS that i DESPERATELY NEED because if she sees them when picking them up i just KNOW im going to get lectured. i cant even get fgucking MIGRAINE MEDS.

she never told me the migraines were medically significant until this year btw. :)

theres a bunch of other things but im tired and ive been typing this for an hour now. so. hitting post and praying

#eliot tag #abuse #csa discussion

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