#that's probably where most of my goodwill towards it is coming from lol

[crehador]

parting thoughts on fractale:

fascinating and robust worldbuilding, strong start. lost my interest at some point along the way but i can't quite put my finger on when or why. overall a solid sci-fi, not the best but certainly not the worst (cough listeners cough)

[aihoshiino]

Hi there! This is from an ask from quite a while ago. I sent it before but I think Tumblr ate it once again.

"Honestly Ai's relationship with like, sex and intimacy and sex in the context of a loving relationship being healing and reclaiming for her is one of those things I have so much fun writing in the context of RP and stuff but if I continued rambling about it here I would go on all day lol and this post is already so long. IN ANOTHER ASK, PERHAPS ……."

I would like to hear your thoughts and ramblings about this please 人´∀｀)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE ANON… I've been sitting on this ask for so long and I've had so many half finished responses to it written up kgjhhsfkg This is just one of those topics where I have so much to say every time I tried to start I got overwhelmed and didn't know where to start… BUT WE'RE SO BACK…!!!

(Also, this is basically part 2/a follow up to this post if anyone wants/needs some extra context)

Honestly Ai's relationship to sex and the role it plays in her character arc is one of the most fascinating parts of Oshi no Ko to me and I'm always really surprised that it basically never comes up in fandom discussions surrounding her? Part of that is just folks wanting to talk about/speculate more on the characters who are alive and present in the series (or have ship wars about them) but even when people DO go back and talk about her it tends to be kind of surface level or just, the worst takes you've ever seen in your life (if I never have to see another Secretly Evil Ai theory it will be too soon) but like… the sex stuff is also pretty surface level! That friction between Ai of B-Komachi's assumed obligate virginal purity and the reality of Ai Hoshino as a person who has had and desires sex basically IS the entire premise of the series. It's the core conflict around which so much of everything else revolves - it's the reason the twins have to keep quiet on their connection to her and moreover, it's the reason she dies. But honestly given how this fandom gets about sex sometimes maybe that's a blessing in disguise lol

It is SO refreshing to have a lead heroine like Ai, though - like I said, the reality of her as a person who has had Probably A Lot Of Sex is pretty much the premise of the series and at no point does the narrative ever take on a shaming tone towards her. Hell, the explicitly stated thesis of the story is that it's everyone who has a problem with this who should be ashamed. Gotanda literally says it himself - Ai's tragedy is the fault of the people who refused to accept her as the hurting, broken, dirty and impure person that the real her was.

In fact, the series is shockingly respectful of Ai and her body in general. This is very much a "the bar is in hell" moment but I'm so used to anime taking every opportunity it can get for lowbrow cumbrained fanservice that the series just being, like, normal about Ai was a breath of fresh fucking air. It's so easy to imagine an infinitely worse version of the series that uses Aqua's access to her body (as both Gorou and Aqua) to frame and leer at her in some really repulsive ways, but it literally never happens. It's one of those things the first chapter/episode does that earns it a lot of goodwill in the long run which it does honestly need lol. The initial premise of the series asks a lot of the viewer, especially given that Mushoku Tensei exists and very much does use the protagonist's plausibly deniable access to the bodies of women and girls around him for some truly putrid and degrading shit. BUT BACK TO MY ACTUAL POINT…

That pointed absence of shaming in the narrative is why it stands out to me so strongly when Ai does direct this kind of shaming language towards herself. Ai engages in a lot of negative self-talk in general because of how utterly pants her self-esteem is, but it's never quite as pointed as in these circumstances. Her death scene is honestly the best and most heartbreaking example of it - the anime trims a few slivers from it to the benefit of the scene as a whole imo, but it does retain the most important line:

But there's another part from slightly earlier on that didn't make it into the anime that equally breaks my heart:

All that Ai refutes of Ryosuke's words is his conclusion that she never cared about her fans. In other words, when Ryosuke slings slutshaming misogyny at her, Ai agrees with him.

And like… why wouldn't she? Society at large already has very strong opinions about women who have and enjoy sex and Ai is an idol - that's purity culture on Berserk Eclipse Difficulty. To make matters worse, Ai's entire life has been defined by her being denied the right to control her own body or being blamed for the way other people respond to it. Not only was Ayumi physically and emotionally abusive towards her for basically her whole life, but she also victim blamed her when her stepfather turned out to have a inappropriate interest in her. Even when she was literally a child, she was not allowed to simply exist without being subjected to other people's gaze and objectification.

It's also worth noting that the abuse Ai grew up experiencing - Ayumi's violence and neglect and living with the possibility of sexual assault at her stepfather's hands - are all things that can contribute to hypersexuality in puberty or at the very least, being prematurely sexually active and/or partaking in risky sexual behaviour and I think all of these are true for Ai as well, to varying degrees. My read has always been that the twins' father was not her first or only sexual partner (though he was her last) and I think this is something the work itself supports as well - Akane identifies Ai as having behavioral issues typical of someone who began having sex during puberty (and she does specifically say 'puberty' in Japanese, not just 'as a teen') but that this behaviour mostly tapered off by the time she was 15 and credits it by inference to Kamiki. So obviously, if the 'unbalanced behaviour' as the result of sex predates her meeting Kamiki… you know?

I also just personally find that a more compelling read of Ai for a variety of reasons - and it just sort of makes sense to me, to imagine her as this girl desperately trying to figure out how to love people, wanting to connect with people but not knowing how to do it, someone defined by the ways she contorts herself to respond to the dirty desires of the people around her… idk, it just feels Correct to me in light of everything to assume that she went through a few boyfriends before Kamiki, all relationships that went very fast, escalated to intimacy at light speed then just sort of fell apart after. And we know from what Ayumi admitted - and from some of the things Ai has said - that Ayumi absolutely was slutshaming and victim blaming Ai when she was in her care. So much of what Ayumi did to her forms the foundation of the present day Ai's self-loathing and self-image issues, so I imagine she felt a lot of prebaked guilt and shame when she did actually start having sex, especially at a young age and outside the bounds of a what society regards as an acceptable circumstance for a girl to be having sex. So add idol culture on top of all that, and…

I don't think Ai's relationship with sex is necessarily the main issue she struggles with but it does feed off and into a lot of the other things that cause her pain and being able to untangle that would represent an earthshattering breakthrough for her. This is why it's so important that Oshi no Ko never ones tries to debunk or disprove Ai's assertion that she is 'impure' or 'dirty' and why I do not think a positive character arc for her could never come from someone trying to convince her that she isn't. Because that doesn't actually disprove anything - it still frames purity and virginity as a state of grace that can be fallen from and reinforces Ai's view of herself that she only has value, that she only deserves to be treated with respect so long as she's still 'pure'. Even if you could convince her that she's 'pure', she would inevitably be stained again and hate herself all the more for it. The only way out is to break out of this method of thinking altogether, to realize that 'purity' and 'impurity' don't mean anything - and more importantly, that even though she is dirty, impure and all the rest of it, she is still capable and deserving of loving others and being loved in return.

To quote something I've said before on this topic: "Love, for Ai, is a person seeing her most wretched and unacceptable self, her self hate and avoidance and everything about her she thinks is filthy and wrong, and actively choosing to accept her as she is, warts and all. […] There's this very strong underlying current in Ai's arc of self-directed shame and self-hate in relation to her sexuality that fuels perception of herself as 'dirty' and 'impure' - all because she is a person who wants and enjoys sex. I really enjoy getting to have Ai work through that specific hangup with a partner who loves her - not from the angle of 'of course you're not dirty' but 'even if you are, I want you anyway'."

So much of what hurts Ai is other people refusing to accept 'Ai Hoshino' and even being actively repelled and repulsed by her, choosing instead to believe so fervently in the inhumanly perfect 'Ai of B-Komachi' that they convince themselves the real Ai is just a trick of the light. Sex is basically the ultimate refutation to that - it's someone saying they actively choose the dirty, broken real thing which is what Ai has desperately been searching for her entire life. It's also the inverse of the plastic. sanitized intimacy Ai sells as an idol - rather that pretty lies of love, it's dirty, physical intimacy, something she can do as much for herself as the person with her, something that can only ever be hers as Ai Hoshino because it's antithetical to everything Ai of B-Komachi is.

what i'm saying is: can this girl PLEASE get some good dick. i don't know how much of anything it would fix but it would make her calm down at least a little.

ALL JOKING ASIDE……. thank you again for your patience anon and i'm sorry this was so rambly lKNDKSCXSNDS. like i said up top, this is a topic i have a lot of thoughts on and i wanted to get them all out into this post. i hope this was interesting to read…!

[vhaerath]

re-reading a couple of early worm interludes and i have some thoughts about empire eighty-eight

controversial take but i think elements of empire 88 are appropriate to worm as a work and their existence as a faction would not necessarily worsen worm as a whole. the problem is with including a faction of white supremacists just to emphasise how bad they are is that these characters of colour have the most head-tilting stereotype traits and characteristics ascribed to them that make the inclusion of a white supremacist faction seem even more sus

purity i think is a really great example of what i mean. we understand from her interlude that shes genuinely not a good person, despite the love she has for aster, and the goodwill she has towards theo when she removes him from kaisers care. at the same time she ruthlessly targets asian-americans who were probably forcibly recruited into a gang and when we’re seeing things from her perspective in her interlude its just little racist quip after racist quip. her trigger event is one of my favourite little word of gods; purity was sixteen when she crashed her car and was trapped there for days, stuck in the glare of the sun, slowly starving and delirious from dehydration. her state got so desperate that she was hallucinating imaginary threats. on a fundamental level wildbow understands that white supremacy is exactly that; hallucinating imaginary threats and lashing out.

its honestly fine that purity gets this kind of treatment, and is fleshed out as a person. its fine to explore what kind of thoughts go through a neo-nazis head and give them human character traits like a love for their family. it ties right back in to the central thesis of worm; the cycle of abuse, how trauma warps you, what justice means and what it means to escalate violence against your enemies.

BUT the problem is none of the villain gangs opposed to empire 88 really come off as looking as well-rounded as e88 does after alls said and done. wildbow is truly never beating the “wrote skidmark” allegations. holy fuck does anyone else remember the scene where kaiser smugly tells skidmark that he doesn’t disrespect him because he’s black he disrespects him because he’s an irredeemable drug addict. the abb are the most developed faction against e88 (that isnt the undersiders) in the early parts of the story, and even then oni lee and bakuda get glacked pretty early on. lung is the character who gets the most development out of all of them and its good development, hes a very interesting character who i could rotate in my head for days on end, but his aggression and anger is still characterised as ferality, compared repeatedly to an animal. esp ironic when lungs schtick is that he really really has a complex about being chinese/japanese lol. NO YELLOW PERIL SENTIMENT WHATSOEVER

[sixeyesgojo]

Team Gojo as flowers

Summary: Gojo, Yuji, Megumi, Nobara and Sukuna as types of flowers

Characters: stated above

Content warning: mild manga spoilers

Word count: -

A/N: I’d appreciate feedback here (and in general) because I’m not sure whether to do this kind of hc for other JJK characters or not. I am thinking of Toge in particular because I love my salmon boy. Also fyi, this was some time after 135 but before 140 for sure.

Gojo Satoru  - Nemophila

I just saw these and immediately thought about how good they would suit him???

another name for them would be baby blue eyes (no, I had no idea beforehand)

they symbolize prosperity, victory, success or triumph over an enemy

flashback to Gojo beating Jogo tf up... but add a nemophila field in the background <3

That being said, his profile literally states that he is perfect in every way (except for his personality but we still love that, right?), so if this isn't success in every way then idk

This flower's essence is also said to be helpful for those who put up a mask over their painful sensitivity

Gojo also displays characteristics of cynism and mistrust towards the higher-ups

Furthermore, I think he is a little anti-social - doesn't have a lot of friends. As someone from the secret Jujutsu World, he's bound to be hidden in a way. This is enforced by the fact that he is the strongest, so a lot of people and curses are out to get his head. I'd think he doesn't keep anyone too close to him so that they do not become a target for anyone. Must be traumatizing to be him.

This flower helps soothen the soul's conflict, healing it slowly, which is exactly what Gojo needs imo

it really is the perfect flower for him

but it's native to North America

Yeah, watch him teleport there to bring back a bouquet of them for his s/o

Itadori Yuji - Protea (orange)

This kind of flower comes in many different shapes, which is why it's a symbol of transformation, which is exactly what Yuji embodies by going from a regular human being to being a Jujutsu sorcerer

Diversity: Yuji is open to anything, Gojo even described him as "having a few screws loose up there". I don't even think he questions how he is being taught by Gojo or anything for that matter?

Yuji also embodies courage and is known to be daring and i don't think i need to explain this one further

I mean, the boy literally jumped right into a curse to rescue Sasaki and Iguchi and help Megumi while not even knowing what a curse is

Orange proteas represent cheerfulness, joy and happiness - if that isn't our sunshine boy, then idk. After what happened to Junpei, he seemed a little down at first but recent episodes have shown that he will not slow down because of that and will keep on being the energetic fluffball of joy that he is.

moreover, they also symbolize unlimited possibilities as his cursed technique so far probably isn't even his final technique yet - compared to Nobara's hammer and Megumi's shikigami. All we know is that Sukuna's techniques are going to be his over time but we don't even know the full extent of the said curse's power yet

If anyone ever mentioned all this to him and showed him the flower, he would think it looks weird at first but will grow to find it interesting (especially the shape). It's not like the flower is native to Japan, so he most likely wouldn't have seen it anywhere.

Gets really excited if you were to give this baby one of these flowers

Fushiguro Megumi - Anemone (purple)

hear me out

The most common symbol for the purple Anemone is 'protection against evil'. While it's Megumi's primary focus in his line of work as a professional, you ought to know he became a sorcerer in the first place because of his sister, Tsukimi.

Fragility: While Megumi shows a lot of potential for growth, it's also said that he will most likely stagnate due to the mental aspect. He's pretty insecure about his own abilities and doesn't think much of himself but that doesn't mean he won't use his powers in order to protect someone.

Anticipation: As previously stated, Megumi shows a lot of potential as a sorcerer, even to the point that Sukuna (mind you, the creature that only cares about himself) has praised him and will not hesitate to make Megumi a pawn to whatever his big, mysterious plans may be. With that being said, if Sukuna himself is interested in our blue-haired boy, we can anticipate great things from Megumi in the foreseeable future.

This specific flower seems to be a double-edged sword in terms of symbolism. In some cultural circles, it is believed to be a symbol of bad luck, whereas in other areas it's seen as a lucky charm (in which we hope this is the one for our boy). I see the same principle applying to Megumi's descent and his mysterious technique - not gonna elaborate further though (feel free to ask though)

a rather dark symbol for this particular flower: "death of a loved one". In this case, I am referring to Tsukimi, his step-sister. She may not be dead but it is indicated that she is in a comatose state due to being cursed. It seems that Megumi does not know when - or rather whether - she will wake up or not. Knowing this boy, he probably has tried anything and everything in his power to wake her up (hell, he probably even consulted Gojo) but nothing worked so far. This poor boy is anxious about it all the time.

he's surprised anyone would even associate him with flowers but wouldn't mind it

Kugisaki Nobara - Orchid (mainly orange)

I had some trouble finding something for her but orchids seem to suit her best

couldn't really pick a particular color though but I am leaning towards orange

orange orchids represent: pride, enthusiasm and boldness

Nobara is very proud of who she is. She strikes me as a person who is not afraid to tell her story, even though she despices the countryside where she is from. She also takes pride in staying true to herself all the time, to the point of admitting that she only enrolled in Jujutsu High so that she could move to Tokyo to Yuji, who was basically a stranger at that time

She is also very enthusiastic about her own future. She knows she won't ever like having to exorcise curses but somehow, being a Jujutsu sorcerer excites her.

plus points for her being enthusiastic about winning in the Kyoto Goodwill Event Arc and just beating up the Kyoto students

I don't need to mention her being enthusiastic about shopping and sightseeing in big cities, do I?

Bold? Oh, she is bold. She has no filter when it comes to speaking her mind and would never hesitate to put anyone in their place. I see her going places in Gojo's revolution... and cussing at the superiors.

Yellow symbolizes new beginnings and friendships. Nobara does not have any problems making new friends, she adapts fairly well in new environments. There's also the way she mourned for Yuji, despite "only knowing him for two weeks" and I don't even doubt for a second that it was her making him hold the black funeral picture frame when he came back lol

Pink: grace, femininity, joy + purple: royalty and admiration

There is no doubt that Nobara tries to enjoy her life to the fullest *cough* moving to Tokyo

Moreover, there is something about her that just screams "queen behavior" to me and I don't even mean that in the slang sense. Have you all seen how graceful this girl moves? (I would like to thank MAPPA at this point)

Nobara shows respect where it's due - I'm just gonna mention Maki here - but is a very admirable girl herself

probably has an orchid plant in her room, ngl

Ryomen Sukuna - Snapdragon

please, the name already sounds a little dangerous

This flower shares a certain character trait with him: being unique

Snapdragons are usually associated with strength due to the way they even grow in rocky areas and if that's not screaming Sukuna's name, who is all about strength, then correct me

Deviousness is practically Sukuna's second name, so this symbol isn't exactly off the track either. Let me remind you about the way Sukuna and Mahito laughed at Yuji??

Graciousness: just like Nobara, he possesses some sort of grace that makes me percept him as a majestic being

but maybe that's just his throne of bones and title as King of Curses contributing

and him owning a shrine???

or maybe that is just the way he majestetically killed that special grade lol

"Only large insects like bumblebees can pollinate snapdragons because the petals are too heavy for smaller insects to push apart." I read this and if you reverse it a little, it somehow reminded me of the fact that Sukuna's fingers need to have a powerful vessel aka small fry won't do because they will simply die away.

Deception: despite being given the minimum amount of information about Sukuna in general, I just don't see him being anything but egoistic and evil. I just cannot picture it. So yeah, put everything evil in a pot, stir a little and don't be surprised if your result is not the Powerpuff girls but a four-eyed multi-talented and deceptive curse that is out to kill you for fun

[crqstalite]

9 for Evolet and Fenris.

oof this one got away from me a bit, but was interesting to get into evolet/fenris’ headspace, mostly because her own mirrors mine lol. less focused on their relationship and more focused on the fact that evolet both needs a nap and a little less instant trust in people.

for the angst prompt:  “People will only use you. They can’t be trusted.”

prompts!

word count: 2,428

-

At first, it’s hard to figure what makes her tick. Moreso what doesn’t. But always with her heart on her sleeve in the same moment, emotions always flickering over her expression like a flame. There is not one person in Kirkwall that doesn’t know that, there is not one person that accompanies her during the day that doesn’t already understand that.

Evolet Hawke is...an enigma at times. Guarded, careful. Stepping quietly around as if she’s forced to as not to disturb a sleeping dragon. Analytical, if not also quiet.

And yet? Fenris still can’t wrap his head around her.

How is it that she keeps parts of her locked away with a key she has hidden somewhere, but nothing else is? How is it that everyone else seems to be more important than herself, as she takes hours and days out of her life to assist them with tasks she has no business getting involved with?

She wants to help every single person they come across on the street, she wants to never leave someone at the mercy of their attackers. They can never just turn a blind eye to anything. That is one of the few things she never has much difficulty thinking about.

Fenris lies in wait for the day that comes back to bite her. Not that he’d want anything to happen to Hawke, no, but he knows what she’s doing isn’t healthy. How often does he actually see her return to the estate? Sometimes the only response he gets is that Aveline needed help with this or that in a patrol. Sometimes Merrill needed something and she just had to give a hand. Or that she and Isabela had gone out by themselves to complete a task no one knew about.

Does the woman ever sit down to take care of herself these days?

He doesn’t get his answer, not for years. But little things start to shift under that smile of her’s. There’s an air of vulnerability when she arrives to his mansion a few odd times in that fateful year, but always a few words, phrases kept for herself. He never gets the full story, but then again he’d be a hypocrite if he asked the same from her but not from himself. Her company is always appreciated, and he never prys, but he has some concern for the woman anyway. It only gets worse the closer they grow.

What the terrifying bit is, is truly that she never considers that someone could be using her goodwill for their own gain. How often she doesn’t defer to her own judgement if someone makes a good enough case with her. He saw it with Petrice, saw how easily she coerced Evolet into helping under the guise the Chantry needed her. He saw nearly just how easily Feynriel’s mother convinced her to send him to the Circle for her own mind to be set to rest -- which he knows better than anyone that she’d hate to go there herself. However her only response is ever that they just needed her, and if she didn’t help, then who would?

He can think of about twenty people, all who’s names weren’t Evolet.

He sees the cracks starting to appear towards the end of her fourth year in Kirkwall. When her helping and trust in the City Guard towards the investigation into Quentin only leads to her mother’s death at the hands of a blood mage. The thought of one makes him shiver, almost enough that he doesn’t really want to accompany her much longer, but when he asks if she’s okay...that damn cheeky smile she gets whenever someone gets too close to the truth. The way she’s more despondent as the days afterwards drag on, but much too fast to cover it with a mask instead, refusing to acknowledge that she’s in pain.

They’re still on shaky terms then, while he might have her crest, they hadn’t spoken in weeks by that point. He doesn’t say what he needs to. Comforting her is out of the question -- he wouldn’t know where to begin.

When she discovers what Isabela had done, it is a day Fenris never thought he’d ever see. He’d never really thought Isabela would use her in such a manner, and yet, she just let’s her go. He sees her hands fall to her sides after she leaves, tome in hand and surely racing for the docks before the storm starts. Flames lick her palms before the mage puts them out, the only instance he’d ever seen her magic flare without true intention. Aveline had placed a hand on her shoulder, but Evolet had jerked it off, then running a hand through her hair.

“It’s fine. It’s fine! We can get them out another way, I wouldn’t just sell Isabela out, I couldn’t,” Her voice wavers before setting her face into one of slight amusement, “That one really came out of left field, didn’t it?”

“Hawke...” Aveline starts to chastise her, surely for the same reason he was about to, “This really isn’t a proper time to be joking about this.”

“I’m not ‘joking’ Aveline, it will be fine, as long as we keep level heads,” Her eyes are downcast as much as she tries to replace it with a smile, one he can see right through, “I just...wasn’t expecting Isabela to do that, is all.”

He doesn’t say anything, even though he probably should. If Kirkwall hasn’t been destroyed by the end of the night, he’d have to sit her down proper and talk. Since no one else would, and no one else seemed to see the lesson she was so desperately missing.

She’s in pain, and she won’t even say a word about it. She and Isabela had been friends if their interactions were anything to go by, and Evolet had put her trust in the pirate. He tentatively asks how she’s handling it shortly after her duel with the Arishok, but she brushes it off in favor of wrapping a bandage around his hand -- ignoring the question. A beat of silence that goes on much too long until she launches into another attempt at humor.

Her eyes are darker than usual. Her hands tremble more, and yet, she says she will still be friends with Isabela anyway. Because that is simply who she is. Good, loving and caring Hawke.

It wasn’t until three years after that does he finally get the conversation going, while they’re preparing for a trip into the sewers no less. Anders is walking some ways behind them, talking to Varric. He might as well say it now, away from prying ears and air his concerns, “Hawke.”

She looks over her shoulder, slight smile already on her face when he sighs, “Yes, Fenris?”

“Do you not wonder what the mage has us doing?”

“I...why would I? I wouldn’t want to remain possessed if I didn’t have to. If there’s a will, then surely there’s a way, right?” She asks, gently bumping into shoulder. He flinches, though he would admit it’s a welcome touch. And yet she’s ignoring every red flag that the abomination has set up since they left the clinic. In favor of what, remaining friends?

Mages. Though...she’s just naïve. Or ignoring the issue entirely.

“And if this isn’t it’s intended purpose?” Fenris queries. He has his own suspicions about Anders, one’s that were never properly taken care of over the last few years, mostly because he had begrudging respect for the man and second, because Evolet would never let him hear the end of it.

He knows that the people they go out with are using her -- whether for her status or the friendship she hands out like candy, or in her case, sovereigns to little street children, “You’re aware he is using you? Because you can not say no to him, it is no wonder he came to you first with this issue.”

A look of veiled shock crosses her eyes, yanking at her sleeve as if she’s considering his words. Good, she understands him then. She glances over her shoulder, then back up at him, “He wouldn’t do that, Fenris. I thought you were better friends with him, you don’t need to be so suspicious,” He bites the words back, but she powers on anyway, “What if I ended up possessed? If Anders had a way to undo it, to save my life, wouldn’t you do the same?”

He doesn’t answer that, enough so that he thinks she knows the answer. He’d never heard of such a way, though he could attribute that to not being a mage. Considering that she’d mulled it over herself though, and that Anders spoke of it like it’d never been done before -- to say the least he doesn’t trust this course of action.

And yet, she does. It never matters to her, she’s always looking for the best in people, even if they don’t deserve it. No matter just how tired she is, no matter just how much she should really take care of herself first -- she always puts everyone else before her. He can’t ignore either, with how much she toes the line between nurturing and foolish these days, so he does what he can so that she doesn’t end up paying for it later down the line. The mage and dwarf slip past him in the sewers, but Evolet pauses while he holds the trapdoor for her, “Please trust me, Fenris.”

“I am by your side, Hawke.” He means it, that part is entirely genuine. However, it is still unsettling how all she does is give him a grin and disappear into the depths.

Whether Evolet trusted him or not, no one could’ve expected something so miniscule and unsuspecting to cause the civil war that began in Kirkwall some weeks later. She’s beyond upset, beyond terrified when she has to choose a side between the Templars and Magi ruling the city -- Meredith has never been all there, but he’s grateful when she chooses her anyway.

And to deal with the mage -- the bloody abomination. She’s hesitant, and he can see the thoughts rushing through her head like a tidal wave in her shaky movements. Most likely wondering how he could ever do something this, mirroring her companions thoughts.

She trusts far too easily. Finally he’s able to put it in words, and...finally she sees the consequences of it. Fenris highly doubts Anders would’ve been capable of such a crime without her help. Without any of their help. Without her help, he doubts Merrill would’ve gone down her path with the Eluvian. Without her help, he doubts Isabela would’ve gotten away with stealing the tome all those years ago.

He can catch snippets of their conversation, his voice resigned and her’s shaking ever so slightly. Poised and graceful, as she always was, but she’s trying to convince him to help. Trying to convince him to right his wrongs and stand with her.

He refuses.

Fenris can pinpoint the exact moment her demeanor changes. When her trust has been snapped in two, and she sees the ugly reality -- the truth behind what she’s enabled.

Evolet surprises him when she unsheathes her knife from where she carries it on her hip. Swift and silent, it finds a home in the mage’s back, shoved in between his shoulder blades. Merrill gasps behind a hand, shocked by her friend’s actions, surely.

It’s destroying her on the inside, he knows that it is. Her eyes are downcast and watering when she eventually picks up her staff again, leaving the knife where it was. She doesn’t give it a second glance, and merely nods to Aveline’s suggestion to head to the Gallows. Once they’ve made it through the mage’s that are putting up a true fight on the Docks (he nearly feels some semblance of regret, leaving them behind like that. He tries not to look at Evolet, how she’s struggling to throw out her more lethal attacks against people who were just like her), it’s silent.

Evolet stands in the back of the small boat they’d procured, back turned from the rest of her party. Whispers, quiet discussing what they’d do when they got there. Merrill, softly sobbing into Isabela’s arms over the loss of Anders is all he can hear. Her arms are gently wrapped around herself, eyes out to the burning horizon when she leans against the mast.

He’s careful, quiet as not to startle her. And yet, there’s still a sad smile, quirking the corners of her lips up when she glances over her shoulder. It’s not real, he’s learned to see past it now, it’s a buffer so no one sees her at her worst -- or sees her for who she is.

He’s never seen her cry before. Not when her brother was taken to the Wardens, not when her mother died. She’d always been so strong, helping everyone else through their own tears, their own fears. She’d been there with him when Danarius had died, and had generously accepted him back into her heart. Evolet had been there for Merrill, when her Keeper died and stayed for days with the younger Elven woman in her home in the alienage, even if she looked genuinely exhausted herself. All these things, no matter the toll they took on her, she simply accepted.

Piled onto her were responsibilities beyond her years, piled onto her were problems she couldn’t always solved but tried to, piled onto her were people that depended on her like no others. And never did she ever show that true emotion that came with the stress. He’d thought she liked the guise, liked to act.

But with the fires illuminating her face, and the world forever changed, tears are slipping down her face ever so quietly. Her hands are wrinkling the clothes she wears, stained with blood and clutched like a grounding force. Ice is under her boots, if not a testament to just how little control she has over her will now.

Evolet goes to him, leaning her head against his chest first then her arms go around him, grasping at the fabric on the back of his tunic. He’s never been one for outright touch, but it’s comforting instead of unwelcome, regardless of the circumstances.

He chooses his words carefully, knowing he’ll only shatter her further if he doesn’t, “People will only use you, Evolet. They can’t be trusted.”

“I know,” She murmurs, “I know.”

[mieczyhale]

a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

so

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone) 

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise)  my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn���t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough. 

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol) 

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so. 

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

SO

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie) 

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

[punkscowardschampions]

Saint & Leilani

Saint: So, how many people with my surname have found their way into your inbox today? Leilani: few Saint: I hope those few have behaved and not been too taxing on your typing fingers or your patience Leilani: you're making it sound more fun & scandalous than it came close to Saint: That would be an odd but not unentirely precedented way to welcome you for us Saint: I'm just more than aware how...much, shall we be polite and say, some of them can be, even at the best of times Leilani: 😅 Leilani: are you forgetting which one of you I live with? Saint: 😅 Saint: I am in no way doubting your ability to cope with it, or previous experience doing so, just apologizing for the times you don't feel like being so gracious about their...persistence Leilani: thanks, I think? Leilani: the sentence was a mouthful to digest but I detected some sweetness in it Saint: I'm happy to apologize for my taste as well Saint: and will try to be more palatable Leilani: coming thick & fast but still smooth with it, that's impressive Saint: I'll accept that I'm potentially being much of a muchness with some of the more well-meaning but over-the-top members of my family, if that's what you're saying Saint: but admittedly, I'll struggle to hear I'm on par with certain ones who best remain nameless until I get more of a gage for your tolerance of their particular brand of care 😅 Leilani: I'm not saying much, personally, until I work out how much of this welcome wagon is genuinely what you'd like to say vs what you feel like you must Leilani: to make up for the rest or walk on eggshells in case I crack up Saint: Well, I haven't been instructed to talk to you, if that's what you mean Saint: and without a doubt, I have no idea how I would ideally like to broach this subject, because I have literally no firsthand experience Saint: I imagine that must be frustrating, is it? Leilani: it can be coming from you but not coming from you, if you know what I mean Leilani: deep in there, maybe you've got a whole other convo you'd love to be having Saint: I'm receptive to any conversation you'd like to have Saint: well, almost any, I'm sure Leilani: you & everybody else Leilani: the talk about me is non-stop Saint: We wouldn't have to talk about you Saint: I don't have any particular bias towards the subject of you, though it would be bad manners to ask you no questions about yourself, I can refrain if you have, like I said and assumed, had enough for a while Leilani: it's good manners if I'm in no mood to answer questions about me Leilani: but it'd be my bad to tell you to shush & end this convo just like that Saint: As you've saved me from the mortal sin of impoliteness with your rhetoric there, I'll save you from having to do so and can leave it there Leilani: take a turn in the hot seat, see how you feel about it Leilani: prep if I haven't saved you from 👿🔥 Saint: I'm not inclined to believe the creator would be that unforgiving, but that's what Catholicism will do for your morals, I suppose Saint: Fire away, as it were 🔥 Leilani: you're a catholic? Saint: Culturally, definitely Saint: I'm not sure my commitment to the church is such I can claim myself as fully saved, yet Leilani: mine goes as far as loving the 1st Eid for its treats & ignoring the sacrifices of the 2nd, can't call it commitment Saint: I don't think you're alone in that philosophy and approach Saint: but I don't necessarily think that's terrible at all, as long as you're finding some joy and fulfilment from religion- that is certainly a huge tenant of all the ones I've heard of, so it can only be a positive Leilani: how my friends celebrate 🎄🎁🎅 shows me I'm not Leilani: party > church Saint: Precisely, commercialism argument aside Saint: any promotion of togetherness, community and goodwill, what could be the issue? Leilani: the issue is in the confusion Leilani: people thinking it's something its not Saint: There's plenty issue around 🎄🎁🎅 but no more than most anything in our society today Leilani: if you're trying to take issue with something on any level, you'll find a way Saint: Don't you think problems should be solved? Leilani: if it can Leilani: big if Saint: Of course Saint: I think the if only makes the pursuit of more vital, I don't find it to be invalidating Leilani: sure but some questions aren't if or but ones Saint: Such as? Leilani: if I said, you're the fittest member of this family, let's go out, your answer would be no, becos you are a member of this family, it doesn't matter if you add I would if I wasn't Leilani: the answer's still no Saint: No, my answer would be that there's truly only one absolute in this life Saint: that I know of Saint: there are laws, ethics, morality and codes of conduct in all societies, sure Saint: but nothing is certain Leilani: birth & death are certain Leilani: one brought you here, the other me Saint: I was thinking about death Saint: birth is luck, usually, it's a little different Leilani: 🤔 Leilani: accepted Saint: We can differ on perspectives there, it's fine 😃 Saint: in fact, the father would probably want to put forth an argument for the opposite, now I think about it Saint: worse Catholic than I thought Leilani: I was thinking that 🤰 = birth, the certainty part being you don't get to stay in but you know Saint: I see what you mean Saint: anyone that is here is a certainty Saint: think we're going into Schroedinger territory there, I respect it Leilani: 🙀📦 Saint: 👍 Saint: who am I to say that whatever people are before and after they're people here can't debate philosophy Leilani: these are bigger questions than I expected Saint: And I wasn't meant to even ask how you were Saint: 🤐 Saint: go on Leilani: I've got a headache now 😅 Saint: Oh dear Saint: That's the first time that's happened, I would assure you but that sounds like a losing battle and another knock for my ego Leilani: your ego wants to take it as brush off, retro as hell Leilani: but I don't get questions that deep posed around me is all Saint: Retro...God, just don't take my 'deep' questions as a sign of pretension or I'm getting more tragic by the second! Leilani: it's okay I'm not a downtrodden wifey from back in the day, we're in an era where I can just tell you no Saint: and we're all the better for it Saint: though I don't think I've asked you any question where you'd be directly answerable to me 🤔 Saint: giving me a little too much credit for the universe and it's many questions there Leilani: I don't want your ego to end this convo black & blue Saint: That's very kind of you Saint: but my ability to take criticism could be compared to your ability to cope with Grace, just so we're clear Leilani: Grace isn't hard to cope with Leilani: I like her Saint: I'm glad to hear that, it would be really hard if you didn't Saint: harder, than it is, of course Saint: don't think I'm bashing her really, as I said, they all mean well, I can just imagine that relentless good intentions and meaningful conversations to be had would get very exhausting very fast Leilani: everything's happened fast Leilani: they're all playing catch up to the unexpected Saint: But you're the important one here Saint: most, although I was adding that to try and take the pressure off but clearly that's easier said than done Leilani: this is where I add something about pressure creating 💎 Saint: I don't loathe the sentiment but does it make you feel any better? Leilani: no Saint: then I wouldn't worry Saint: and I doubt there's anything hugely meaningful I can do to make you feel better in an impactful, big way Saint: but if you think of anything on a smaller scale that you would like Saint: don't hesistate to ask Leilani: will you introduce me to everyone in a retro way? Leilani: 🗨  & 🤝 Saint: That I can do Saint: The upsides to this family being as large as it is is that you're never short of functions to hijack for whatever purpose you may need Saint: and you won't have to worry about being centre of attention unless it's your birth, wedding or death Saint: even then, people have their own agendas Leilani: no pressure or as close as Leilani: when's the next? Saint: Exactly Saint: [literally whatever and whenever we want, offer a selection to show your point lol] Leilani: [picks the one where she can serve the best lewk because gotta make an impression regardless especially when you're nervous] Leilani: it's a date Saint: That it is Saint: if you'd rather show up with another kid, I'm happy to come pick you up from Grace's Saint: up to you, of course Leilani: pick me up 🚗 Leilani: I have no idea how Grace is allowed on the road Saint: 😅 Saint: I suppose they reckon the amount of potholes, we're all playing a dangerous game at the mercy of the council Leilani: 🙏 by god's grace like Saint: Seems that's all that's left in the budget 🙄 Leilani: 😅😅 Saint: I think you're in my sister's year Saint: Venus, that is Leilani: what should I think about it? Saint: You know you hypothesized that I was the fittest member of this family? Leilani: it's too late to drop the bomb that I should've asked her to pick me up Saint: She'll need a lift as much as you Saint: but meaning, she'd have taken DEEP offence to that assertion Saint: the headache would be realer Leilani: oops Leilani: & yikes Saint: again, not here on a smear campaign Saint: but I'd be doing you a disservice if I pretended she's universally easy to get on with Saint: perhaps you'll take to each other though Leilani: I'm not easy to get on with atm Leilani: but I do get a free pass Saint: You're doing fine Saint: unless this is your attempt at belligerence, in which case, sorry 😬 Leilani: attempting nothing but no pressure face to face intros Leilani: how could you forget already? Saint: 🤦 forgive me? Leilani: 💅 Leilani: hold on, I'll ask myself what my god would do Leilani: ... Leilani: yeah sure Saint: 😅 Saint: I was hoping distraction only fell under bad manners, not sin Leilani: it depends how you're distracting me Saint: What I offered would depend on how 😇/😈 you preferred your distractions Leilani: if I don't have both on offer how can I possibly choose? Saint: That's completely fair, actually Leilani: I know Leilani: so don't be unfair Saint: Wouldn't dream of it Leilani: is there anyone else you'd like to warn me about, while you're being fair? Leilani: or anyone I should run into the arms of like 🤗🤗? Saint: Warn would be extreme Saint: I don't think anyone is that bad Saint: I would have to know you better personally to say who I think you'd really click with, but there's plenty of us, I'm sure you will with someone Leilani: indulge me in the drama of it, St Leilani: 🤦😅 Saint: Oh, right Saint: you want the gossip of it all so you also have prior information on them coming into the conversations Saint: let me think then Leilani: I miss when my friends wanted to talk about that stuff Leilani: instead of me & my feelings Saint: That makes sense Saint: maybe you and Vee will get on then Saint: there's just a lot of drama to get into Saint: your head and inbox would be rocked Leilani: I've got time Leilani: & my head's already a mess Saint: Okay then Saint: bear with me if my typing speed gets retro Leilani: 😄 Saint: [just methodically go through all that is messed up with the fam nbd] Leilani: holy hell Leilani: I know I asked for that but did I though? Leilani: where have I come to live Leilani: 👋🚕 Saint: Yes Saint: sorry Leilani: hold on I need to just ✈️ Leilani: I thought my mum's relationship history was crazy Saint: It is what it is Saint: we all still manage fine Leilani: by the grace of god again, or whatever other means necessary Saint: Maybe Saint: I don't think it's all that dire now Leilani: maybe when I've come though all the stages of grief I'll be able to let you know what I think Saint: Look forward to it Leilani: I did make it sound really hot Saint: 😏 Saint: we're not all messed up, thank you Leilani: I'm used to being that half of the convo Leilani: you do you Saint: How are you messed up then? Leilani: other than having no parents now? Saint: Yeah Leilani: I'm not doing this right Leilani: any of it Saint: What aren't you doing right? Leilani: I miss her but like she's gone on holiday or a work course Leilani: not like she's never coming back Saint: Well, what's the first stage of grieving Saint: you feel like you aren't missing her hard enough, but if you were out of denial already, you'd actually be taking it way too fast Saint: be rude, right? Saint: Think of it like that Leilani: my rudeness is worse, wanting to hang out with my friends how I did before Leilani: care about 👗👠💄 Saint: Your entire world has been turned upside down Saint: of course you're craving normality Saint: I'm not just saying all this to appease you Saint: you're a kid that just lost her mum Saint: I literally do not believe there's any way you could get through this that would be wrong, or would reflect poorly on you Leilani: she needs to walk back in & badmouth all her worst clients Leilani: she can't be lost Saint: I'm so sorry Saint: that it's so unfair Leilani: unfair was when my dad stopped sending money & letters after going back home for what he said would be a few months Leilani: this is Leilani: I don't even know Saint: How old were you? Leilani: does it make a difference? Saint: Did it? Leilani: I'd just started school, so financially, yeah Saint: Do you know what he's doing now, like, where he is? Leilani: no Leilani: my mum said he had another family there Leilani: someone he was actually married to Saint: Right Saint: that was a cowardly thing for him to do Saint: the minimum would've been financial support Leilani: sadly I can't get it backdated Leilani: imagine Leilani: 👗👠💄 Saint: I'd have to look into it Saint: but probably not Saint: very hard to enforce at any rate Leilani: & taking food out of his other children's mouths, assuming he has some others Saint: Yeah Saint: but you can't be held responsible for his life choices Leilani: neither can they then Saint: I meant it'd be his problem to worry about and solve Saint: but I can understand not wanting to literally steal candy from a baby, as it were Leilani: I haven't been his problem for years, I'm Grace's now Leilani: this family's with all their existing crazy Saint: Okay, getting in contact with your dad for reparations isn't the first step Leilani: it's a mis-step Leilani: he fell off the earth, I'm not following him Saint: Okay Saint: so, what would you be doing with your friends today, if things were normal? Leilani: 🛍 Saint: So, I'll give you both options Saint: I can drive you to your friends, or whatever 🛍 you go to with them Saint: or you can come 🛍 with me Leilani: you can take me Leilani: they don't know how to act now that I'm 💣💥 Saint: they probably think they're giving you time Saint: but really, they're asking for it Saint: at least, that's how I see it Saint: maybe next weekend, or the next Saint: but we can go for now Leilani: it's okay, I wouldn't deal any better if the roles were reversed Leilani: it's not their bad that there's nothing to say or do Saint: You're very fair Saint: not to detract from how much of a 💣💥 you feel Leilani: you're flattering me like I'm not a 💣💥 Leilani: I don't know what that says about you Saint: It's honesty, not flattery Saint: The situation is a 💣💥 Saint: I've seen people handle significantly worse, that's all Leilani: it feels nice, honesty doesn't usually Saint: that's a resounding endorsement Saint: probably a bit too smug to put on a poster or LinkedIn but still, I appreciate it Leilani: you know what I mean, honesty is usually like that 💅 isn't the one or you need braces, child Saint: I think people purposefully conflate being honest with being rude Saint: but you can weaponize anything if you're that sort of person Leilani: yeah ☕ Saint: There's plenty of that sort at church Leilani: & the salon Saint: I've spent less time there myself but I imagine they're much of a muchness Saint: 👵 they all love me, obviously but father is a perfect case study for diplomacy Leilani: it's a type of church for some people Leilani: they take it as serious as a religion Saint: Hair and beauty has always been important Leilani: they just like being able to see results, there's no guarantee when you pray Saint: I'd argue there's no guarantee you get the result you wanted Saint: perhaps even less than 🙏 Saint: maybe you get what you need, not what you want Leilani: 😅😅 Leilani: maybe not for 👵 if they're trying to look 👩 Saint: it highlights the limitations of communication Saint: you think you've asked concisely for one thing, and you end up with something that's nothing like that at all Leilani: I swear I did see my mum work some genuine miracles, that said Saint: It is without a doubt impressive what can be achieved Leilani: what do you want to be? Saint: I want to work for the government Leilani: we haven't been talking that long but that has come through Saint: Is there any particular way you'd like me to take that honesty? Leilani: as a compliment? Leilani: I think Saint: 😅 I think I can manage that then Leilani: I'll tell you what I used to want to be when I was a child, that's weirder Saint: Not admitting it's weird, but go on Saint: I'm intrigued Leilani: clues: Leilani: 🦷💉🥛😁 Leilani: 🚫🍬🍭🍫 Saint: Okay, question, just the one Saint: did you want to be rich or did you just really care about oral hygiene? Leilani: I wanted to make people pretty like my mum, I suppose was the thought process Leilani: & 😁 = happy Saint: So it's even more adorable than I first thought Saint: you don't want to be a dentist anymore? Leilani: the reality is way more gory than I knew then Saint: That's enough to give me a headache Leilani: I need a job with no blood or pus Leilani: even typing that made me feel weird Saint: 😖 Saint: Subject change Saint: are you going to buy anything today? Leilani: do I need to dress to impress your family or just myself? Saint: do you want me to invite my family out shopping with us? Leilani: you do have a lot of sisters Leilani: but you know I meant do I need a new outfit for this meet & greet you're taking me to of the entire extended clan Saint: Oh, gotcha Saint: dress for yourself, of course Saint: unless dressing to impress makes you feel more at ease, in which case, go for that and you won't be alone Leilani: it can't hurt Saint: No, there we go then 😊 Saint: though you can still do the aimless browsing I know 🛍 trips are really about, of course Leilani: are you looking to dress up too? Saint: I like to look presentable Leilani: oh good becos if it was just me, Grace & your sister that'd be a statement Saint: 😅 Saint: don't worry, it won't be Leilani: I'll do my happy dentist 😁 then Leilani: as I'm thrilled Saint: I'm just as 😁 to hear that Leilani: I'll try not to turn it into a frown with excessive browsing Leilani: no promises Saint: I've got a lot of sisters, as you said Saint: I'm sure I'll cope Leilani: which one's your favourite? Saint: which sister? 😂 Saint: I'm not sure there's a diplomatic way to answer that Leilani: answer it honestly, I can promise not to slide in to share the news Saint: Well, Jay is older and we didn't meet her until she was a kid so that combined with her personality makes her the most chilled out now Saint: Vee is younger but still close enough that we were kids together, so that makes her prime annoying younger sister category Saint: then the twins are that much younger that they get to be removed from that, and I have more of that protective older brother in me Leilani: Okay so Jay's your fave Leilani: what's your brother like? Saint: No, I didn't say that Saint: but she wasn't here in the beginning and she's grown up and gone now, it's easy to have less negatives to say about her Leilani: how old were you when you met? Saint: I was about 3 when we found out about her Saint: but the process took a while because she had a dad that raised her and still wanted to even though she wasn't his like he thought Saint: I think I was about 8 when she moved in and spent most of her time with us Leilani: that must have been such a weird time Saint: it was Saint: Vee was born around the time we found out about her so Saint: that was a trial too Leilani: your parents have had a LOT going on Saint: Yes, it seems to be their forte Leilani: your brother then Saint: he's younger too, so again, protective Saint: probably because we're outnumbered too Leilani: an if question Leilani: if you had to give me one of them, as an only child, which one would you give me? Saint: 😂 an odd request but okay, let me 🤔 Saint: Probably Sekh Saint: from the short conversation we've had, you have things in common, that would work well 🛍👠💄👗 Leilani: you're gonna separate the twins? very disney channel Saint: It was either lump them in together there and offend them, or separate and acknowledge that they're separate people Saint: they'll understand 😅 Leilani: 😅 Leilani: safer if I ask Grace for a pet instead Saint: Sure that she'd be down for that Saint: 🐰🐹🐱🐶🐠? Leilani: 🤔 Saint: That is a big decision Saint: best to take your time, decide how much effort you wanna put in to day to day care Leilani: 🐱 or 🏠🐰 Saint: Cute Saint: got any names or do you need to see it before assigning one Leilani: it feels fairer to meet them 1st Saint: 👍 Saint: we can go to the nearest pet shop/shelter if you'd like Leilani: adopt don't shop, St Leilani: or else 👿🔥 Saint: Indeed 😏 Saint: but you know most shops rescue their animals now anyway Saint: except fish...but I don't know how we're morally meant to feel about breeding fish? Leilani: we won't buy any, be on the safe & 😇 side Saint: It's your day Saint: I wouldn't try to bring you down to 👿🔥 levels Leilani: thanks, I have only just moved in Saint: Definitely not my intention with this conversation, or any going forward Leilani: that comes through too Saint: Is that a compliment? Leilani: I don't know if you're 😁 or not to be a good & polite boy Saint: Why would I want to be anything less 😇? Leilani: becos of your name maybe Saint: Subverting expectations Saint: I'd argue people expect the opposite from me though, regardless of my first name Leilani: in your case pressure makes 😇 Saint: 🤞 I hope so Leilani: I'll subvert expectations for us both Saint: Is that your new plan? Leilani: I don't really have one Leilani: other than the 🛍 Saint: Well, you have time Leilani: yeah, it's the keyword that's getting thrown around most atm Saint: It's not provably true but it's most likely the case Leilani: & it'll fill an awkward silence Saint: I can clearly talk enough for the both of us Saint: it doesn't need to be awkward Leilani: this isn't, but remember how we ref-ed that you weren't the only McKenna in my 💬📱 Saint: Right Saint: is there anything you'd like me to do, beyond the formal introductions Saint: politely suggest some people give it some time, perhaps? Leilani: use the time thing against them, I like it 😅 Saint: Only fair 🙂 Saint: consider it done Leilani: we're back into retro hubby & wifey territory Saint: You think? Leilani: it's very defence squad but I'm not 😤 Saint: I'm not helping you because you're a girl and I'm a boy Saint: just because I have the ability to Leilani: I know, you're coming across capable Saint: I'd like to think so Saint: but bragging about it would not be 😇 nor helpful Leilani: I've got your back in hyping you up a 😇 amount Saint: That's sweet Saint: I promise my ego is not that fragile that I need you to but it's still nice Leilani: I'd like to think I am Leilani: that it's not all doom & gloom in me, but maybe time will have to tell, annoyingly Saint: It shows Saint: honestly Saint: you aren't what's happened to you, even if that is all you can think about right now, or feel it's all you're meant to, or are allowed to, whatever Leilani: whether or not I'm her death, I was her life Leilani: there's credit for how she raised me, I mean Saint: Definitely Saint: I don't know you yet, but I would like to get to know you, from what I've seen Saint: I won't throw out proud for her but, you know Saint: I would be in her position Leilani: I don't know what to say Leilani: that feels above nice to hear Saint: I'm almost certain she would want you to know that, at the very least Leilani: yeah, she would Leilani: she wasn't too humble for a brag Saint: 😅 Saint: you should continue that tradition then Leilani: you'll regret saying that when I make you take 10000000000000s of pictures of me posing in different 👗 Saint: 😏 I'll have to buy myself something expensive to cope, I'm sure Leilani: ⌚️ so you can keep an eye on the time Saint: I have an uncharacteristically free day today Saint: my time is yours Leilani: what are we waiting for? come get me Saint: That's what I was waiting for Saint: I'll be with you shortly Leilani: consent given Saint: 👍

[katieelizabeth]

What would you call your body type? Definitely curvy

Are you a morning person? Yes and no. I’m taking sleep meds for nausea so right now waking up is kinda hard. 

Have you ever been to Target? Loveeeeee Target

Do you like iced tea? Iced tea is always my jam

When is the next time you’ll be at work? Hmm it’s kinda up in the air right now. I’m itching to get back tho.

Do you have a savings account? Yes. one for myself, one with my boyfriend

Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Only once.

What color bedsheets are currently on your bed? Currently grey

Have you ever been to Disney World? If so, how many times have you been? Yes, I wanna say total like 6 times.

Does grammar and capitalization mean anything to you? It absolutely does.

Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? My boyfriend thinks I'm a terrible wrapper hahah

Do you have a dirty clothes hamper in your room? Yes.

What would you say is your favorite television show? If I had to narrow it down, probably Skins. 

Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Yes and no. I don’t care for holiday dinners with my family but I love holiday dinners with my boyfriends family. 

Is there any piece of jewelry you’re constantly wearing? I’m not married or engaged but I do wear a small silver band on my ring finger.

What is one thing you desire as of now? To be able to just go and sit down in a restaurant. This virus has everyone living in fear and I'm tired of it and want to live normally and enjoy my pregnancy

What kind of phone do you have? An iPhone XR.

If you could move anywhere, where would you choose? Canada or London

Do you blog a lot, if at all? No not really. I used to when Xanga was big.

Is your present hair color, natural? Nope.

What makes you the most angry when it comes to people? My boyfriend thinks that anytime my opinion is different than his, then I'm trying to argue with him. It’s so fucking frustrating. 

Describe your current outfit? Anaheim Ducks shirt and matching pj pants hahah

What was the last thing you ordered online? Some toothbrushes lol

Have you ever felt as though you were drifting apart from a best friend? Ive had two best friends in my life completely shut me out before. It sucks.

What color are your eyes? Poop brown

Have you ever worn color contacts? I have but I could never wear them because of the astigmatisms in both my eyes. Lasik was the best decision of my life

What’s the best thing about a hug? Right now I miss everything about hugs

Biggest fear? Losing my loved ones, death, never getting better/getting worse, never doing anything with my life....

If you have a significant other, how long have you been together? Just celebrated three years

Do you know any genuinely friendly people? Yes.

Do you buy your friends gifts? I try to when I can 

What was the last thing you plugged in? My phone to the charger.

How old are you? 29

What color headphones do you own? They’re black.

Have you ever shopped on Urban Outfitters? No, just a reminder than I'm fat

Where do you buy the majority of your clothing? Amazon, Goodwill

Would you rather wear necklaces or earrings? Necklaces

Do you consider yourself fortunate? Very

Do you enjoy watching fights? Nooo.

Have you ever been in a physical fight? No way

Do you tend to talk badly about people? I try not to but everyone is guilty of that

Where are your parents as of now? Watching tv in the tv room

Does your computer cooperate most of the time? I literally just bought it so yes haha

Does your family have any cheesy traditions? Kind of

When did you last go to a book store? Gosh it’s been a while!

What’s the closest book store where you live? Barnes & Noble.  

How much money do you have on you right now? On hand, $20.

Favorite personal feature? my hair and my lips

Are you wearing make up at the moment? Nope.

Favorite television channel? Bravo, E!, ID, HBO

Describe any piercings or tattoos you might have? 6 tattoos no piercings

Have you ever been fired from a job? INope

Are you currently losing a best friend? No.

Describe the worst day of your life: I’m good.

Do you play any video games? Not at the moment

Would you say you hate anyone? I feel hatred towards racists, homophobics, ect.

Do you think freckles are cute? Very cute!

Last time you went to the mall? Gosh its been a really long time

Name something that’s your favorite color: anything teal

Have you been to Red Lobster before? Yesssss. I want seafood

Do you judge by appearances? Anyone who tells you they don't to some degree is a fucking liar.

Do you follow a certain religion? No thank you

Who is your role model, if you had to choose? Im not really sure

Would you rather have nice hair or lips? Hair.

What are you most self conscious about? Pretty much my whole body

Do you have any family members who live out of town? Yeah.

Do you consider yourself short? Nope, I'm average height for a girl

What room are you in? Mine.

Hoodies or jackets? Hoodies.

Are you outside a lot? No not really. The sun doesn’t like my skin haha

Have you ever been dumped via text message? Nope

Do you like dreamcatchers? Not really

What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? I don’t have one.

Do you hate repetitive people and things? Depends on the situation

Do you think autocorrect is a blessing or curse? BOTH

Do you believe in any particular curses? No.

Ever play a Ouija board? Nope, my mom wouldn't let me growing up

What movie scares you the most? The Exorcist. I can watch the movie now no problem but it FUCKED up my childhood.

What was your bedtime as a child? 9. I remember watching Happy Days from 8-9

Reason why your favorite holiday is your favorite: Who doesn't love Christmastime?

Do you work with any close friends? I work with my baby daddy

Do you consider yourself spoiled? I would say in some way I'm probably spoiled

Do you listen to any country music? yes

Favorite high school teacher: I don’t specifically remember any high school teachers I liked. Probably my French teacher. He was super cool!

Do you ever get drunk? Of course. Can’t drink yet tho until after baby

Have you ever had highlights before? Nope

Favorite number: 7,10

Do you still sleep with any stuffed animals? Not anymore. I used to for a a long time 

 What is your biggest regret in life? Eh I've got a few

Would you say you think you have a mental disorder of some kind? Depression/anxiety. Ive taken meds for it 

Are you normally an independent person? I like to think myself as independent but my boyfriend sure takes care of me. I dunno what id do without him

Do you have any paintings? a few

What is one clothing fad you wish never existed? anything from the early 2000s haha

Do you like to be organized? Do I like it? Yes. Am I organized? NO

Have you ever failed a class before? oh yes

Ever been judged because of your weight? All the time. Not so much as an adult tho

What is your favorite breakfast cereal? The sugary bad ones, ha.

Ever had a wish come true? Nope

Do you regret meeting any of your exes? No way

Do you own any coloring books? Yes haha those adult ones

What’s the meanest thing someone’s called you? I can’t think of anything specific. Probably fat

Have you ever bullied someone? I likely have, unfortunately :(

Do you ever watch Lifetime? Only for the reality shows

Ever tried to intentionally sabotage someone’s grade? God no

Do you own any brown clothing? Hmmm I don’t think so

What color are your walls painted? White.

Last thing you drank: I’m drinking decaf coffee 

Have you ever seen a tornado in person? Noooo.

Do you have an inground pool at your house? Nope

What is the first digit of your phone number?  9

What’s the prettiest town you’ve been to? Anywhere in England

Do you tend to sleep a lot? yes and no. I’m taking sleeping meds but it’s hard for me to fall asleep

Silver or gold jewelry? Silver

Do you sometimes celebrate holidays early? Not usually. My boyfriends family Is out of state tho

Have you ever been in love? Yes.

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received? My unborn child

When was the last time you showered? Last night

Would you consider yourself attractive? Sometimes yes

Has anyone made you mad today? Nope

Favorite smell: Vanilla

Are you afraid of insects? I wouldn't say afraid

Do you have any children? I’ve got one cookin in the oven haha

If so, what are their names? I’ll tell you when I know the gender

Would ever consider having children in the future? MORE children? Lets see how traumatized this first one is haha

Have you ever lived on a farm? No.

Ever played any sports? Oh yes, played soccer till I was 18 

Do both of your parents have jobs? They're both retired from jobs they were at for 40+ years

Where is the best place you’ve been on vacation to? Its a tie between South Africa, London and Colorado

Are you afraid people won’t accept you? Not anymore. Being an adult means getting over that haha

Are you, for the most part, an honest person? I try to be

Did you make prank phone calls as a child? oh yes!

Do you like to make donations? Yeah.

What is your current ringtone? Just the standard apple ringtone

Meet anyone from your past lately? No.

Have you ever called a teen suicide line? No.

Have you ever caught something on fire? Not that I can think of

Ever been obsessed with a show? Ive been obsessed with many shows

What type of perfume or cologne do you use? English Laundry Signature

What’s the last book you read? The book that Ted Bundys girlfriend wrote

Dream career: Zooologist

Have you ever climbed a mountain before? Yes, in Colorado

At what age do you plan to get married? Not sure, we aren't in a rush to marry

Ever been in a car accident? Yes, three

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #230

“this is where i wanna grow old, so i’m just praying i don’t make parole.”

Has a movie ever made you cry? Yeup. Do you smile open-mouthed or closed-mouthed? Usually open. I look higher with my mouth closed, lol. What gaming systems do you own? A PS2, Wii, gaming laptop, DS Lite, and a GameBoy Advance. Do you know anyone else with your last name other than family? Not off the top of my head. Is your favorite band still together? Yeah. Any movies your looking forward to seeing? I want to see both Joker and IT: Chapter II. Where do you see most of your concerts? Only been to one, which was in Raleigh. Have you ever had escargot? No, I NEVER will. Do you like chocolate popsicles? Hell yeah. Do you save seats for your friends in class? I don't have real friends at college yet, just like a couple acquaintances. Back in high school and younger, I did occasionally with my purse or something. Depended on where we were. How many people do you know with red hair? I don't care enough to count, honestly. Three off the very top of my head. Have you ever wondered what you look like when you’re sleeping? Yeah. Are your parents proud of you? I mean they say so, but I doubt it a lot. Would you ever be your schools mascot who wears that costume? NO. Those sound so gross and hot. Have you ever had a pet fish? Multiple. What age did you start staying home alone? Idr. Would you rather see the Great Wall of China or Big Ben? Big Ben appeals to me more, but the Great Wall would probably impress me more. Can you do a handstand? Nope. What’s a brand of shoe you like, but wouldn’t buy a pair? I like studded and spiked high heels like, A LOT. Are you reading any books right now? Not currently. Sara sent me the first Wings of Fire book because I'm interested in reading it, I just normally read at school when I have no work to do, and for a looooong while now I have always been busy doing schoolwork while I wait in the library for Mom to finish her classes. Any plans for tomorrow? No. Who did you last take a picture with? My kitty. How do you like your chicken? Breaded, typically. Like as nuggets and such. What’s your favorite fast food restaurant? Sonic. What song are you listening to? I've been binging the "I Don't Wanna Be Free" song from AHWM since it came out man. It's not even biased, Mark's voice has just gotten so fucking GOOD and I'm so proud and in love- Do you have any bruises? No. What’s the last thing you googled? How to make a rounded border of a square in Photoshop bc I forgot while making stuff for Sara. How often do you use a real dictionary? Never. They're pretty much obsolete. When you were little did your mom ever sing to you? Yeah. What’s the reason you last laughed really hard? Um idr. Who do you sit with at lunch? I don't go to the school cafe, so. How long have your parents been together? They were together like... I wanna say 18 years? Somewhere around 20. What’s your favorite kind of Gatorade? EW none. Out of all your friends, whose house have you stayed at the most? I really don't have any current friends whose houses I've gone to. So Sara, if you count her. Who is one person you couldn’t imagine life without? My mom. The idea of her dying is fucking terrifying beyond possible words for me. What’s your favorite Disney movie? The Lion King. Are you camera shy? Yes bc I hate my body. Just let me be behind it. Are you politically correct? It really depends on what the subject is. We've become too politically "correct" if you ask me. I'd honestly say I'm mostly not. Eh, idk. Again, it depends. Speaking of politics, do they tend to overexcite you? Quite the opposite, they bore the hell out of me. Are your parents Democratic, Republican, or neither? I'm quite sure Dad is a Republican, but I'm really not sure; Mom, meanwhile, I think she leans more towards Democrat, but fits the "Independent" title well. My stepmother is ANNOYINGLY far-right. I almost regret adding her on FB. What’s the worst household chore? When you don't have a dishwasher, hand-washing dishes. I fucking hate it. Do you get along better with boys or girls, and why? I only say girls because I'm afraid of men. I can befriend a man perfectly fine, just I am going to be VERY paranoid and anxious in the early stages of knowing him. Do you love dreaming? Honestly, I'd almost prefer not to dream, I think. I barely remember mine anyways, and I like the feeling of waking up after a DEEP sleep. Maaaany of my dreams/nightmares involve Jason anyway, so I'd just rather not deal with 'em. Do you have any conditions that you need medication for? I refuse to come off my bipolarity medications. They're the reason I'm not a suicidal tragedy anymore. I could survive without my anxiety meds, but I'd sure prefer not to. What’s a recurring theme in dreams? (I often dream about rollercoasters.) Most of my nightmares/terrors involve me getting into an altercation of some sort, and I'm always unable to defend myself. Should everybody have affordable health insurance? Fuck yes they should. You shouldn't have to go fucking bankrupt to stay alive, goddamn. This subject gets me heated as hell. Creation or evolution? Evolution. Do you have terrible memory? My memory is so incredibly bad I've had borderline anxiety attacks that I have early-onset dementia lmfao. What do you think is the most peaceful religion? I'm not knowledgeable enough on this, but off the top of my head, Buddhism? If you’re feeling frightened, what thoughts tend to comfort you? I am such a baby. It helps me in a lot of situations if my mom is with me. What year were you born in? 1996. What is the best decade for music? '80s, maybe. Or 2000s. Are you prejudiced against anybody? (Other races, gays, etc.) No. Are you a licensed driver? No, but I have my permit. I'm too scared and inexperienced to get my license because I'm too hesitant to drive enough. Do you have any regrets? Yeah. Is there anything you wish you could say to someone right now? I'm going to wish I could tell Jason I'm sorry 'til the day I die, probably. There's things I wanna tell Megan, Hannia... a few people. What time do you normally wake up? If I don't have my 8 AM class, it can range from like, 6-9 AM. Is there anyone not in life anymore, that you wish still was? Plenty of people. What’s your favorite type of bird? Barn owls. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 112. Have you ever gotten back together with an ex? No. How far away is the closest store to your house and what is it? Uhhhh. The actual town-town I live in is like three minutes away or so, so there's a large amount. I guess the closest is... a dollar store, probably? When was the last time you made out with somebody? A long time ago. What TV show(s) have you been watching currently? None. How many apps do you have on your phone? Just six, but I can't even update one because my phone has such little memory. What pet names do you use with your significant other? Besides the normal ones like "hunny" and stuff, "pretty woman" and then (THEY'RE JOKES/REFERENCES OK) "Bubblebutt" and "Candyass" lmfao. Do you have to wear a name badge where you work? N/A Do you have a dress code or have to wear a uniform where you work? N/A Have you ever dated a smoker? If not, would you? For less than a day. I wouldn't date one now, no. What is your mother’s first name? Donna. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? More like I share it with every white female on Earth. Have there ever been any bushfires/wildfires in your area? Small ones. How would you label your sexual orientation? Bisexual. Have you ever been a member in a band? No. What’s your favorite kind of accent? English. Do you have separate emails for personal and business? No. Well, I have a separate school email. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. None of us anticipated the airport would take so long. Are you someone who always needs a coffee before you can function? No. Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? Yes!! Do you know your significant other’s passwords? No, and I don't need to. I have a respect for privacy. What’s your favorite type of salad? Just lettuce with dressing, really. Cucumbers in there is okay, though. Lobster dip or crab dip? Ew. Do you shop at Goodwill? No. Do you make grocery lists? I don't do the grocery shopping, so. When is your next doctor’s appointment? I see my psychiatrist uhhh next week I think, then my main doctor is referring me to a dietitian per my request as of a couple days ago. Do you own a pair of feather earrings? No. Elephants or lions? Visually, lions, but as animals themselves, elephants. What color do you want to dye your hair next? Silver. Do you decorate for Easter? Not anymore, really. We don't decorate for almost anything at this point. Do you have a car? I don't have a license, so why even. Are you the same size you were ten years ago? Bitch I fuckin WISH. Do people mistake you for a teenager? No. Do you know what you want to do for your next birthday? Get a tattoo and have that gd heavenly drink Sara's dad made me once that Changed My Life. Do you know anyone who’s started a business and been successful? I have an old real photographer friend. Strawberry or watermelon? Strawberries. I'm actually not a big fan of watermelon; it's typically too bland to me. If it's sweet, then hell yeah. What new hobby are you thinking of starting? What's a "hobby." Were you ever a team captain of anything? No. Something I find boring is… TV, usually. If I could give my mother an award it would be for… Her dedication and hard work that's probably unmatched. The most memorable costume I’ve worn is… Idr. My personal hero is… Mark. M-A-R-K. Mark. Markiplier. Fischfuck. Have you heard of Mark Fischbach? An author whose work changed my life is… None. Are you happy with yourself on the outside? (explain) No, but just because I'm overweight. Otherwise, I guess I'd be. Are you happy with yourself on the inside? (explain) Mostly, at least. There're things I hate, things I want to change, all that. Do you take responsibility for your actions? Yes. Do you treat yourself well? Eh. Is there something nobody knows about you (& what)? Yeah, and I'd prefer for it to stay that way. If in a relationship, do you feel you could "do better"? No. Feel like I don't deserve her half the time. Do you have any mental disorders? lol Have you ever stolen from a friend or family member? Wow, no. Money or love? Love. Have you done anything to make someone dislike you (& what)? Not on purpose. Multiple things. Mostly making ridiculous opinions I've had in the past known. Would/did you cheat on someone for revenge? Or if they wouldn’t find out? No and no. Would you rather be remembered for something bad or forgotten? Forgotten. Do you boss around your friends, or give in to what they want to do? The latter by far. Do you donate or volunteer as much as you could? I don't have money to donate. I don't have transportation or time for volunteering. Do you believe in a god (& why or why not)? Yeah, 'cuz the Big Bang Theory just doesn't make sense to me. Compacted nothing exploding into everything. But by this point in my life, I really don't care if there is or isn't. Are you spoiled? No. How do you ease anxiety? Deep breathing, music, talking to Mom or Sara... Do you avoid physically unattractive people, even before knowing them? Oh my god. Does your family have a secret? No. If single, would you knowingly be who someone cheats on someone else with? NO. NO. THE GUILT WOULD BE FUCKING ASTRONOMICAL. Choose one living person you’d like to meet. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oh y'know I don't have a clue it's not like I love one (1) male homosapien- Are you over-protective of anyone? Maybe Sara. I'm not sure if it reaches the "over" level. What do you think of the name Xiomara (zeo-marah)? Cool as hell, man. Who did you receive your latest notification from? On Facebook? Uhhhhh *checks* my childhood babysitter liked something. How do you know the last person you were in a car with? I came out of her lmao so I mean- Do you support PETA? They are WAY too extreme. Do you honestly hate anyone? My old doctor that fucking destroyed my body. Do you go to church? No. Have you ever been depressed? I've had chronic depression since the 7th grade, so- Or are you a generally happy person? I'm usually just content. Do you think you are a good friend? Yeah. Usually. What is your usual username on sites? "Ozzkat" (rarely with a "0" if it's somehow taken) almost everywhere. Celeb crush? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Non celeb crush? My girlfriend. /v\ Bad habit you are trying to fix? Procrastinating on homework las;djfa;weiraweawer Would you rather go to school or have a job? I'd rather have a goddamn job that I can actually do and enjoy. What is your major? Organismal biology. Favorite cookie? Chocolate chip. Favorite flavor? Strawberry, chocolate... depends on what we're talkin' about. Candles or incense? INCENSE. Would you ever have an abortion? Probably if I was raped. Idk. What do you want for your birthday from your bf or gf? It'd be amazing if she could be here. Favorite flavor of milk? Chocolate. Something you like to do alone? Watch YouTube, draw, write. Something you like doing with friends? Vidya games, go out to see a movie or bowl or something, just hang out and chat. Thick or thin blanket? T H I C C Do you walk around barefoot in your house? Who wears shoes in their house????? tf??????????? u ok?????????????? Do you have a ring on your ring finger? No. Do you know how to type home row? Yeah, that's how I type.

[strictnoodle]

Sanjivani 2

Now that the show has reached the 30th Episode mark; my overall impression about the characters and everything else. (wonder how much has changed and how much has stayed the same from my first post?)

**warning: long post + spoilers ahead!**

The Seniors:

Dr. Shashank Gupta An amazing father/mentor. He's too good at heart to the point he believes a hospital can run on goodwill alone bless his heart, no wonder Sanjivani is drowning in debt The way he seems so understanding to everyone else except his own daughter baffles me. I did not like it when he slapped her. Yeah she was a tad out of line, but he could’ve just opened his mouth and cleared the misunderstanding. With the way he was trying to shut her up, I'm pretty sure that was not the first time Anjali said that to his face; why not clear the misunderstanding? I refuse to believe he actually has romantic feelings for Juhi. Honestly, ousting Juhi from Sanjivani just because Rahul asked him to is the most redicules reason they could come up with.

Dr. Juhi Singh Still the badass COS that she is, deserves the position no questions asked. I love it every time she takes charge. Whether it’s handling Vardhan, Anjali or the junior residents, she’s doing an amazing job. I was hoping she doesn’t interfere with the father-daughter relationship, but then again I understand her desperation to clear things up. And boy, did she get more than what she bargained for. Seems Rahul and her are no longer together but reasons are still unclear. I’m not a fan of the ego clashes she’s having with Dr. Shashank. I get the emotional shock she’s in, but why can’t these characters just talk to each other?

Dr. Anjali Gupta ice baby, ice. Very ambitious. Would do anything to prove her self to her father even if it meant stabbing him in the back that luxury ward meeting? yikes. For her Juhi is an obstacle that’s always been between them, which is understandable as i’ve explained here. She firmly believes her dad is in love with Dr. Juhi and he has done absolutely nothing to clear it up. She craves her dad’s recognition so much she seems to be projecting it towards Vardhan? Anjali baby, no. She holds a soft spot for Dr. Sid and I really wish they’d explore more of this. I still want to see more layers of Anjali other than “the insecure daughter”.

Mr. Vardhan Makhija Still a douche. He’s the only character that speaks sense when it comes to how to run the hospital business wise. He’s been obsessed about the Luxury ward since the first episode I expected something other than a... beauty spa? who goes to a spa in the house of death and deceases? Psychopaths that’s who  Seems like he’s using it as a cover to run some questionable/shady business Rahul is probably involved too. Can’t tell if he really has a thing for Anjali or he’s just manipulating her for his own means or both. I was honestly surprised he was worried about Sid seeing as he had no issues wishing death to Shashank? I can't with him.

The Juniors:

Dr. Siddhant Mathur A huge soft teddy bear. Very kind. Just when I started wondering why would they give him a playboy image, they shove a scene to remind me of his ways ugh, men are the worst! I love how he’s following Shashank’s footsteps with the mentoring. Very patient and understanding when dealing with people, especially with Ishani. Carries the weight of being an illegitimate over his head and he hides the pain really well. Still not a fan of his ways and can’t say I'm not glad they toned it down. I mean really punching that guy and taking his blood without consent? I’m pretty sure that falls under organ harvesting. Can't tell if he likes Ishani romantically or it’s because he’s just caring by nature, but he’s definitely attracted to her. I find it cute how bothered he is that she likes nothing about him. (Why did they change the actress who played his mom? And why was she hiding from Dr. Shashank? He better not be that idiot long lost father so help me god.)

Dr. Ishani Arora An Alien. An Alien from outer space who’s learning how to be human. jk, lol. or am I?. Socially awkward, doesn’t know proper human behavior and a diagnostic machine and thank god they toned that down. An emotional mess. Her germophobia stems from her background which she uses as a shield to keep people at a distance. Craves family and motherly love so much it honestly breaks my heart. Fiercely protective of those she calls her own slapping a guy twice her size for Asha? Absolutely fearless. An idiot, but fearless. Emotionally unstable; hence, the up and down behavior. Has been deprived of affection most of her life to the point she gets attached to anyone who shows her any form of affection. Can be self aware, as in did not hesitate to admit her mistake and apologize. A none believer and has issues with god. Life made her Cynical.

Sid/Ishani pairing I like the softness. I like how Sid respects her boundaries and tries not to touch her without permission. I liked the pace of their relationship but then the last two episodes happened and the level went from a soft 10 to a 100 in record speed, add the ‘L word’ they used for the promo and label me freaked tf out. I was very relieved when Ishani said “dost” in the episode even that was a bit of a stretch but i’ll take it. I’m hoping it’s just a developing of a crush thing and nothing else.

Dr Rishab Vaidya Such a horrible horrible person. If anyone deserves a slap from their parent, it’s this one. Watching his ass get handed to him by Ishani was the highlight of the week for me.

Dr. Asha Kanwar This girl grew on me so much. Very competitive and has a valid reason to be. She’s in a race against time and her family. Always has her friends’ back, be it Ishani or Neil or anyone. I’m hoping her competitive nature doesn’t land her in trouble one day. Desperate people almost always end up doing something foolish.

Dr. Aman Gehlot This guy is too laid back for a first year resident. Seems he went to Sanjivani to follow Asha. Very protective of her.

Dr. Rahil Shekhar My absolute favorite out of everyone! I love him so damn much. Such a sweet soft guy, would do anything for his friend. I love how he took charge being the Second Year Resident and guided the rest in the ‘rescue Sid emergency procedure’. The second son of the Mathur household. I would literally watch 20 full minutes of him just doing laundry Give me more of him!

Dr. Neil Lama Lau I still cannot wrap my head around how he managed to enter medical school when he faints at the sight of blood? Probably became a doctor for his dad.

Performance:

I didn't write anything much the first time because I wanted to give the actors a fair chance to settle into their character, and I supposed 30 episodes is more than enough time, no? I honestly have no complain from the senior cast. Rohit’s 3D glasses need to go tho, asap.

My main issue is/was with the junior cast, specifically Namit and Surbhi. Since we don’t see much of the others I'm not really bothered about them, Now:

Namit As much as he’s nailing the laidback carefree attitude, he’s really really bad in emotional/intense scenes. I swear that phone conversation with his mom on the bench gave me secondhand embarrassment and I hate secondhand embarrassment. Every time Sid cries, I'm reminded of that face babies make when they’re fed something sour you know, all crunched up and stuff?. What was that death bed scene? And what is the Director doing? Your actor does subtlety really well, use it. And writers work around your actor’s weaknesses and utilize his strength fgs.

Surbhi: Some scenes she’s a pro and the other scenes i’m watching an amateur leaving me a whiplashed. Ishqbaaaz was the first show I've seen her in never seen Qubool Hai and I’ve noticed then Surbhi is a director’s actor(?). This actor-director team need to set tf down so they can get their shit together and agree once and for all how they want to present this character. Volume wise, personally I don't fault her much because Surbhi’s voice tone is naturally loud. Having a loud family myself a best friend too, these people really don’t realize how loud they’re being unless someone points it out to them, in this case the Director. I’m just glad it toned down considerably from the first couple of weeks.

Anyways, both are getting a pass from me so far since I'm just watching the show for fun; hence i’m not that bothered. But acting wise, both really have a lot of work to do like, a lot a lot. The directors need to up their game as well, half the issues would probably be solved if there was proper guidance and a clear vision between Namit/Surbhi and the Direction team.

Editing & everything else:

Still all over the place. One minute the doctors are wearing gloves, the next it magically disappeared? There’s no consistency with the scenes most of the time. Thankfully they worked on the lighting. It is much better than the first couple of weeks where we could barely see anything.

Finally...

The overall plot started okay-ish toned down considerably from the melodrama of the first weeks but then it was Cliche City the last two episodes. I'm hoping they go back to their previous pace because I liked the overall mellowness of the show. I don’t like how they’ve cut down on the medical cases. I mean it is a medical show? Where the main set is a hospital? And all main characters are doctors? smh. I personally prefer one medical case running for the entire week. That way there will be no super speed diagnostic and no miracle one minute cure happening. 

I still catch up with the show on the weekends as i’m not yet heavily invested in the show I could sign off any minute. What I do like most is the grey shades of the characters, They’re not easy to like and makes picking them apart quite fun.

[holmesoverture]

The Christmas Party - Chapter 2

Eeeeep it’s been a week since I posted chapter one so I guess I better post chapter two lol

Link to Chapter One Link to more info on this universe

Warnings: Towards the end, one character starts to have a panic attack.  Also, since it’s 1881, there’s some outdated modes of thinking throughout; I think the worst offenders in this chapter are the unchecked colonialism and description of a mummy being unwrapped/desecrated.

As ever, if you see any booboos or feel like I’ve handled something insensitively, feel free to comment or send a message <3

*

The operating theatre was a large clean room with wooden floors and long wooden benches illuminated from behind by a series of large windows.  The room’s focus was a low operating table upon which a mummy, swathed in bandages grey and crumbling with age, had been laid out.  Beside the table stood Sir Gideon Hibbert, a small, ferret-like man with a well-trimmed beard and moustache a shade darker than the receding red hair atop his head.  His close-set brown eyes brimmed with delight as he greeted me, though I felt the sheer enthusiasm of his reaction would have been more appropriately directed at a relative who’d been presumed lost at sea for several decades.  Flustered by his attentions, I fell upon the one subject I thought stood a chance of distracting him.

“Have you had word from Alexander?” I said.

He’d had quite a few words, as it happened.  Upon the war’s end in September the previous year, Alexander Hibbert had gone on to South Africa and served under Major-General Colley.  After the convention of Pretoria he elected to remain in South Africa and establish there a home and a life of his own.

“I have every confidence in my boy,” Sir Gideon said, “but still I would have felt much calmer if you were there watching over him during the hostilities.”

I began to suspect Sir Gideon had confused me with the man whose birth we were set to celebrate, but I happily never had to find out as he introduced me to Professor Rodrick Angues, in whose honour the party was being held, and excused himself to greet some new arrivals.  Professor Angues was a large and courteous man with slicked black hair who performed the usual social niceties with the ease of long practice.

“So what do you think of our special guest, Doctor?” said he, indicating the mummy.  “Sir Gideon purchased him from a merchant during his last trip to Thebes especially for this occasion.”

“I’m afraid I am not well-versed in Egyptology, but from a medical standpoint this event should prove most interesting.”

Professor Angues smiled blandly and agreed that it would. In defiance of his manners and his congenial appearance I thought I detected something unctuous about him, and I was not sorry when we were urged to take our seats so the operation could begin.

The event progressed slowly at first, as Sir Gideon and his assistants required a hammer and a chisel to remove the first layers of resin-coated bandages, but once they broke through, the remainder of the afternoon passed with extraordinary rapidity.  Several people were overcome by the odour of decaying flesh and had to leave before the end.  I placed a handkerchief over my nose and mouth and was rewarded for my endurance with the sight of a man, four millennia gone but remarkably preserved, with coarse hair sparsely covering his scalp and a full set of teeth of which many a living man would be envious.  I wondered what else might be gleaned from this astonishing specimen.  Its age?  Its cause of death?  Its occupation?  With a wistful sigh, I reflected that Holmes would probably have told me all of that and more before I had thought to wonder about them.  Perhaps I could leverage Sir Gideon’s disproportionate goodwill towards me and arrange for a private examination of our mutual Egyptian friend at a later date.

Of greater interest to the Egyptomaniacs than the mummy itself were the dozen or so charms hidden within the many layers of bandages. The former and small snippets of the latter were distributed amongst the appreciative audience.  I pressed the delicate scrap of fabric into my notebook.

We did not linger very long in the now pungent chamber, hurrying into our coats and wraps and gratefully stepping into the foggy twilight.  Those of us invited to Sir Gideon’s Christmas party gathered outside of the hospital and employed a small fleet of cabs to convey us there.

Sir Gideon owned an extravagant white stucco house in Lowndes Square.  We were shown into a cosy parlour with cloth-lined shelves full of relics from his many expeditions.  Canopic jars, fortunately emptied and scrubbed clean, amulets, knives, and jagged shards of pottery were all neatly arranged in no particular order for the guests to peruse at their leisure as they were attended to by their illustrious host and hostess.

While Sir Gideon had had variable luck with his sons, with his daughter Philomena, a plump strawberry-blonde with bright pink cheeks, I could find not a single fault, and I was delighted when she seemed to take a special liking to me.  Her duties as hostess, which had prevented her from attending the unrolling, similarly prevented her from devoting herself to me fully but she kept me by her side always, taking my arm and showing me around the parlour.

“It is the least I can do for the man who ensured I would be able to hold my dear brother once again,” she said.  I tried to say that she owed me nothing but she wouldn’t hear of it, and I confess that I did not try as hard to disentangle myself as I should have had she been less comely.  It was not as though listening to her speak was any great hardship. Miss Hibbert’s knowledge of Egyptology was nearly as exhaustive as her father’s, and she related to me the origins of every artifact in which I expressed even the slightest interest.

“Oh, this one!” she cried, lifting a pale green figurine, no more than twelve or so centimetres, with column after column of hieroglyphics decorating its robe.  “This is an ushabti.  The ancient Egyptians did not believe life after death to be the lovely endless paradise that we English do.  They thought there was much work to be done in the afterlife, such as ploughing and cooking and so forth, but since no one liked the idea of eternal work, they created the ushabtis to do the work for them.  Whenever a man died, especially if he was a wealthy man, he was buried with one or more of these little figures with the expectation that they would come to life and do his share of work when they arrived in the hereafter.”

“Perhaps I ought to stock up on a few,” I said, “in the event that the ancient Egyptians had the right idea.”

Miss Hibbert laughed and we moved on to a flint knife with an extravagantly detailed ivory handle.  Eventually Miss Hibbert had to leave me to allow Professor Angues to escort her into the dining-room.  I escorted Miss Linwood, a cousin of the Hibberts.  She was darker and more severe-looking than our hostess, though her amber eyes held the same spark of intelligence.  Despite being almost total strangers, we suffered no awkwardness as we entered the mauve and mahogany dining-room.  I was seated to Miss Hibbert’s left, with Miss Linwood on my other side and Professor Angues directly across from me.  Almost immediately thereafter, two parlour-maids entered with the first course.  Miss Hibert had told me she hired them especially for the party for their experience in serving at large social gatherings.  I had little familiarity with such events, but to my callow eye they appeared prim and lovely and proper.

One of the maids placed a porcelain tureen upon the sideboard while the other, very much taller than the first, placed a small decanter of sherry at each end of the table.  When everything for the first course had been laid out they silently vanished, leaving us to confront the molokheyyah, a vegetable soup of Egyptian origin that Sir Gideon had discovered and very much enjoyed on one of his many adventures.  I could not but wish he had left it where he had found it, and I was much relieved and still very hungry when the soup was replaced by a more English dish of roast turkey.

I cannot with any certainty explain what happened next, or why.  Perhaps it was the strangeness of attending a party after spending so long in relative solitude, or the refreshed memory of the smell of the dead, or the row with Holmes. I only know that I found myself falling prey to an inexplicable disquiet.  My heart gained speed, pounding as though I were surrounded by wild tigers rather than civilised men.  The conversation around me surged into a crescendo that would rival any cannon and I tightened every muscle to keep from covering my ears, causing my fork to jitter against the plate.  My other hand encircled my thigh, fingertips digging into scar tissue until it throbbed and pulsed in protest.  The table tilted.  The air was too thin to fill my lungs.  Everything spun slowly sideways.  The rapidly receding part of my consciousness that still could think clearly was convinced accepting Sir Gideon’s invitation was a horrible mistake, and then one of the parlour-maids collapsed at the sideboard.

*

Historical Notes

Convention of Pretoria  – The peace treaty that ended the First Boer War, fought between the Boers and the British from December 1880 to March 1881

[danceclubcrickets]

Alright, well, I’ma get 2018 going by running with this moment of confidence and stupidity I am in right now, and posting a story of mine here. 

This is just a quick little excerpt with two of my characters, Reid and Cori. I just thought I’d like to prove that I do in fact have characters that I write stories about, and I don’t just sit around making up names and saying that these characters, like, TOTALLY EXIST, y’all, and I have SO many stories for them, but idk I left them all in Canada or smth

I don’t really like my own writing style, tbh. When I read it back to myself, it just sounds like “this character did this. this character felt that.” and I don’t really know how to improve it that much, so hey, advice-givers, give it if you got it. I’ve been trying to read well-written stuff, and learn from it without copying it, but idk how well I managed to pull it off, lol.

(Just as an aside, the fact that New Year is mentioned is purely coincidental. It’s just canon that at this point in the story, Reid doesn’t speak to Cori for a long time and then they reunite sometime in the dead of winter basically)

So here it is, a short bit about a guy and his skeleton friendo, and a pretty good summary of what most of my writing is like (i.e. poorly-written angst and h/c). Enjoy—I’ll be off to the side, steeping my bones in regret. XD

The Last Person Expected

“Cori, can you stop clicking, please?”

Cori mumbled an apology for her nervous habit and stuffed her hands in her pockets, the sound of her finger joints muffled by the fabric of her winter coat. She had four layers of clothing on underneath, as well as a face mask pulled up to her nasal bone—her usual cold-weather attire. During the Winter, she often got asked if skeletons get cold, and she had to repeatedly explain that yes, they do, but not as much as people with skin, and she mostly just wears layers so she looks slightly less skeletal.

Today, it was to cut down on the number of Grim-Reaper-related remarks, because these were not the remarks she wanted to hear while out on a mission of charitable goodwill. (“Ghost of Christmas Future” also seemed to be a favorite, even though the holiday had come and gone, and while she understood the comparison, she hated that she was perceived as terrifying and gloomy.)

The Clarendon family had the tradition of heading into the more run-down parts of Chamber City–the parts that the Clarendon parents tended to serve in volunteer medical clinics—and handing out “Basics Bags,” containing things like razors, combs, toothbrushes, first aid, and other essential items. They did it whenever they could, but they always made sure to at least do so after the holidays were over, after the cold weather had truly set in, but most of the other well-wishers and do-gooders had vanished.

This was the first time that Cori had participated since she became a skeleton. Her mom, Vera, hummed thoughtfully and set the radio to scan for a station. “I thought you enjoyed doing this every year,” she said to Cori.

“Yeah, that was before I looked like this!” Cori gestured to her face, and even though it was half-hidden by fabric, her point was clear. “Now I terrify small children.”

“Well, fortunately, Corsiva, it’s not about what you look like,” Vera replied. “It’s difficult to be too terrified in the face of a person giving you a gift, right?”

Cori leaned her skull against the car window, fogging it ever-so-slightly when she exhaled. “You underestimate the superstitious public.” She figured her mom was just trying to cheer her up with that question, but the attempt fell flat.

Sure enough, when they got to their first street, a mother and a child both cringed away from her as she handed them a bag. She smiled, then realized half her face was covered—so she simply struck as non-threatening a pose as possible, laid the bag on the ground, wished them a nice day, and walked back to her mom’s car.

“See, told ya,” she muttered.

“It’s okay,” Vera said with a hand-wave. “You’re still starting off the new year by doing a good deed, no matter what you look like.”

And so they went, parking on the numbered streets and walking down the named ones to hand out Basics Bags. Cori got mixed reactions as the days went on—some people were thankful, some were rude, some cracked jokes, and some didn’t say much of anything at all.

Cori saw a lot of people her own age, and while they tended to just be grateful and say “thank you,” it still surprised her just how much of her generation seemed to not have a roof over their heads. She used to think that handing out these bags was making a significant difference in the world, and it was probably making a significant-ish difference to those people specifically, but now it made her wonder.

Toward the end of their second-to-last road, she spotted a young man sitting in front of a pile of black trash bags. His head was down and his legs were crossed, hands laying limply in his lap. He didn’t stir as she approached, and didn’t wake until she addressed him directly.

“Excuse me, sir,” she said as quietly as possible, and his eyes sprung open immediately. He leaned back and looked around a little before his eyes settled on her. She held a bag out, leaning forward and doing her best to look friendly. “My family and I make these bags every year and give them out. Would you like one?”

His eyes widened in shock, or perhaps disbelief. Oh good, Cori thought, I’ve scared another one. Great. Wonderful. “It’s okay, I’m not as scary as I look,” Cori sighed, trying and failing to keep the resignation out of her tone. “Can I just leave this here with you?”

He didn’t say anything, but his eyes narrowed a little, like he was trying to figure her out—an expression she was not unaccustomed to seeing. “It’s a Basics Bag,” she explained, and her face mask slipped off her nasal bone as she looked down. She didn’t bother fixing it. “It has a lot of useful stuff in here—first aid, shaving cream and a razor, a spare toothbrush, a roll of quarters for laundromats and—”

“Cori?”

“Huh?” She hardly heard him, because she was talking and his voice was very soft, but she was certain she’d just heard him say her name. She stopped talking and lowered the bag to her side.

“Cori,” he murmured again, even quieter this time.

“Um… yeah.” Cori’s metaphorical stomach dropped. She hadn’t expected to encounter anyone who knew her. “Do I know y—“

Before she could even finish the word, she realized who she was talking to. Her jaw fell open, and she dropped the bag she was holding. Even though his clothes were tattered, he was covered in dirt and grime, and he had lost a lot of weight, his face was unmistakable, and she couldn’t believe she hadn’t recognized him sooner. She felt like she’d been struck by lightning.

“Reid?”

She sank to her knees, putting herself at eye-level with him. The sidewalk was damp, and murky pavement-water soaked right through her pants and onto her kneecaps. It didn’t matter. The only thing currently mattering was the fact that Reid Blackburn, who she hadn’t heard a peep from in nearly a year, was sitting in front of her, in a state she never would have expected to see him in.

Reid cast his eyes downward. He seemed… afraid? Perhaps just hesitant. Maybe embarrassed? Cori reached out to try and hold one of his hands in an attempt to comfort him, momentarily forgetting his fear of touch—he yanked his arms away and gave a soft whimper, refusing to look her in the eyes, seemingly bracing himself. Cori’s head swam with shock, confusion, fear… mostly confusion.

“Reid,” she asked gently, trying to hide her growing panic. “What are you doing here?”

He said nothing.

“How long have you been out here?”

Still nothing. His brow furrowed and he bit down on the inside of his lip.

Cori tilted her head to the side. “Are you okay?”

And with that, whatever energy was keeping him upright seemed to vanish, and he caved in on himself, quietly sobbing.

Cori leaned back on her leg, feeling slightly frantic. “Okay, um… I think we should… hm. My mom is just up the street… she’s waiting for me to come back. How about you and I go talk to her?”

Reid shook his head, shrinking further and folding his arms across his chest.

“Well, I can’t let you stay out here.” Cori planted her palms on the ground and looked up into Reid’s face. “You can at least come have dinner with us, right?”

Reid kept his head down, but he did at least meet Cori’s gaze, and tentative relief swept across her face. “Right?” she repeated.

Finally, he spoke. “I don’t want to intrude.”

“Oh my g- …Reid, it’s not an intrusion. I am not about to just leave my best friend alone in a pile of garbage,” she said, a slight tremor in her voice, as she reached out and took Reid gently by the wrist. “You are coming with me, and I am not taking no for an answer.”

The fact that Cori called Reid her “best friend” took him off-guard, and his eyes welled up anew. He flinched when Cori touched him, but didn’t pull away, and Cori sprang up and helped him to his feet.

“Come on,” she said, motioning to an SUV in the distance. “That’s my mom’s car, just there. Let’s go talk to her.”

Reid sniffled and scrubbed at his eyes, still not speaking, allowing himself to be dragged along by the arm as the two walked back to the car together. Cori could feel him quivering in her grip, and her jawbone was clicking from the force of holding back all her questions. How did this happen? What even happened, for Reid to get to this point? Why didn’t he ask her for help earlier, like he did the last time they saw each other?

Where are his brother and sisters?

Click, click, click. Questions for another time, perhaps.

When they got to the SUV, Cori raised a gloved hand and tapped on the window.

“Ran out of bags?” Vera asked as the glass lowered.

“Actually, uh, it’s… not that.” Cori gave Reid’s arm a light tug, bringing him within view of her mother. “Do you think Reid can stay for dinner tonight?”

[3inghao]

wow hey its crush anon and yay !!! im so glad ur better :') some ,, things have happened since then and the most important parts are that one time he was over at our dorm when we were drinking, but in my room specifically this time and he sat next to me on my bed and eventually we all ended up ?? falling asleep in the room and i honestly cant even remember how this happened but he was curled up on his side and i like ?? was lw using his ass as a pillow LMAOOO I DONT EVEN KNOW (1/10)

and like at 5 in the morning i shifted bc it was so fucking cold so i just got under the blankets lol and after like another hour i feel him jolt and get up in the dark and i sit up sleepily like ?? its 6 in the morning wtf are u doing and hes like ???? why did nobody wake me up to go home and i was like ??? we all passed out at the same time LOOOOL so yeah that was a thing aND ALSO JUST YESTERDAY AHH OK ,, i took like a 4 hr nap LOL and like nobody was home when i woke up so i was like (2/10)

hmm maybe ill have a quick dinner alone so i can go to the gym and then squeeze in all my hw after that and my hair was so messy in like the two french braids that i slept in and i go whatever im leaving just grab my wallet my keys my phone and just go literally looking like i just rolled out of bed bc i did and like the second i walk out the door of our dorm theres this guy with his hood up and earphones in and walking towards me and i like squint from far away but i was super zoned out (3/10)

so i didnt think much about it and i look away but we get closer and he recognizes me first hes like ,, hi ? im like wTF HI LOOOOOOL and i was like what are u doing ?? and he was like oh i just left one of the dining halls and i was like ? oh dang i was just about to go there lol and hes like aw dang it ,, wait how about i take u to a dessert place instead ? and i go y e s ? dessert instead of dinner im in LOL and hes like LOL LETS DO IT so we start heading towards a general direction (4/10) 

and we take maybe two steps and these girls are coming towards us and its my three suitemates LMAOO and theyre like guys what are u doing ? and we were like wtf ? LOOOL where did u guys come from ? and they were like we just ate at a different dining hall and theyre like oh yeah where are u two going and istg he flushes and is like ,, de ss er t pl a c e LMAOO theyre like uh ,,, ok and they ask me where did u eat then ?? and i was like i ,,,, didnt i just woke up LMAOO and theyre like wtf (5/10) 

u guys should go to this coffee shop nearby bc they have actual food and desserts there and me and x are like ,, u h ok so they go back to the dorm and we go but on the way we see a halloween store and hes like yo ?? lets go in and so we do and its HUUUUGE and there are so many costumes so we just play around in there for a while and then we go to the coffee shop but ,,,, its like a coffee shop ??? and theres not like actual food so we are like ? u h ok anyways we just get coffee and tea (6/10)   

and hes like i have a shit ton of work to do bc hes got a job (WHAT. A. MAN.) working at like a production company ??? and i was like aw do u wanna go back then ? and he was like nah its fine lets just kill some time and so we just start wandering ? around the city and like talking about everything and then we go into a best buy bc he wanted to see the cameras ahh and he was like nerding out over them and i was honestly like wow ??? my heart , LOOOL and after that we keep wandering around (7/10) 

and i was like when do u want to be back by ? and hes like maybe 8:30? but its fine so we continue wandering and all of a sudden he goes omg do u want to go thrifting ?? and i was like u h yes but like now ? and he was like its fine ! and i was like well then duh lets go but it was like 7 streets away and i was like wait dont u have work to do ? and he was like , its fine LOOOL so we start going towards the thrift shops and in the middle im like ,, buddy its 8:15 are u sure theyre open ?? (8/10) 

and hes like its the city nothing closes that early here LOL so we get there and ,,, what do u know theyre all closed and were like welp LOOOL but then we find a goodwill randomly ? so we just go into that and dick around for a while trying on random clothes and stuff until it closed and then i was like do u need to go back now ,, its like 9 and he was like ….. its fine whatever LOOOOL so we just wandered around for like another 30 minutes and yeah !!!! like he gave me a hug at the end (9/10)

and istg i hugged him so tightly he probably got a lil freaked out but its fine im fine !!!! and occasionally ill smell his cologne and ill like ,,, lw p as s o ut a lil?? he smells s o good idk my head will start spinning and my breathing will speed up and idk the way he smells drives me up the wall but it s fine i m fi n e LOOOL and ahhh yeah !!! mostly i saw of it as two friends hanging out but then a wave of his cologne will wash over me and ill be like 💛💓❤️💗💘💚❣️💙💓💘💚💝💞💙(10/10)

OH MY GOSH THAT IS A DATE YALL WENT ON A DATE DO U HEAR ME I CAN”T BELIEVE THIS this is like a scene from fanfic tbh it’s so cute even tho u say he’s kinda a player he seems super nice and he also seems vested in like a friendship at least (if not more than a friendship *wink wink*) I hope this brought you guys closerrrr and i’m glad u came back to update me crush anon

[warriorgays]

I'm going to ask the most broad and annoying question so forgive me, but what happened to everyone after Through the Gay Days ended? I have never been more invested in a group of characters in my life and I desperately want them all to be happy, whatever form that takes, in the end. Also! what other sources did you draw from besides Coming Out Under Fire? I was so impressed with how well researched everything was. 💖

OH MAN I didn’t expect to actually get a question, lol!! And that’s one I’m happy to answer, because I did think a lot about it. idk if I’m ever going to actually write a follow up, because my WIP list is soooo long and, tbh, the 50s are SO DEPRESSING in terms of LGBT stuff.

IT TOOK ME AN HOUR TO WRITE THIS UP. I APOLOGIZE. UNDER A CUT BECAUSE HOLY FUCK. I apologize for any typos but I’m just publishing instead of proofreading because what the fuck.

In terms of sources... I really think Coming Out Under Fire was the main “intentional” one. I have a BA in history and I’m getting my MA right now, so I’ve READ a lot of history and probably unconsciously drew on a lot. the other one I can definitely think of is Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers, by Lillian Faderman, which covers lesbian U.S. history from the early 1900s to the 1980s. she draws on COUF for her 40s chapter (which is kind of a bummer because I was hoping for more WWII lesbian-specific content lol), but she’s good at covering some of the broad-strokes history of sexuality and LGBTQ identity. Becoming Visible by Molly McGarry is a really cool illustrated history, too, I’ve read that a few times over the years.

SO, for post-war lives, I’m going to warn you real quick it does get depressing for everybody for a little bit because uhhh the 50s fucking sucked? Faderman talks about this a lot, and actually Stephanie Coontz is a good source too--she has this book titled The Way We Never Were, which basically debunks the idea of “the ~traditional~ family” and looks at the ways our perceptions of society’s values have changed. and one thing she points out is that the 1950s are really the first time when society looks at single men--all single men--and thinks “there must be something WRONG with them.” before that, people were willing to accept that some dudes just didn’t want to get married, for plenty of reasons that had nothing to do with homosexuality, but in the 50s everyone was so gungho about The Family that anyone not into it was looked at with suspicion. add that to the whole “homosexuals are susceptible to Communist blackmail, better fire them all” and things fucking sucked.

I PROMISE HAPPY ENDINGS, THOUGH, because the whole “LGBTQ people lived depressing lives until these Enlightened Times” trope is my least favorite trope ever.

SO, for Gene Roe, my first thought for his post-war life was this Gaslight Anthem lyric that @antiquecompass prompted me for a Snafu/Roe fic foreverrrrrr again: “I’m in love with the way you’re in love with the night.” so I imagine that Snafu comes home, and they try to just settle into things as usual, but Snafu starts really pushing Gene’s buttons. being more snide, being disrespectfully obvious about being nonmonogamous (like it’s one thing to go cruising and another to bring dudes home to the apartment you’re sharing with your boyfriend, COME ON MAN), trying to pick fights. and of course the impetus for all this is Snafu struggling with PTSD and thinking that Gene is too good for him but not being able to end it himself. of course Gene doesn’t put up with this bs, so one day Snafu finally admits he’s doing this because he’s afraid the war turned him into kind of a fucked up asshole, and Gene’s like “you were always a fucked up asshole? what’s your point? I love you?”

so then things kinda simmer down. Gene’s not Officially a doctor anymore, but he and Snafu live in an apartment building in the poorer part of the city with a lot of ~ethnic~ folk nearby some black neighborhoods, so he does some informal community doctoring around those buildings, and that earns him enough goodwill that he and Snafu don’t really have to worry about getting caught out. it’s the kind of neighborhood where a lot of people have to... bend the law a bit to get by, to be happy, whatever, so people trade food and skills as needed and there’s always an alert if the cops are coming by. it’s a good place for them. they’re happy. I’ve only really thought ahead like ~ten years, but I can imagine them eventually moving on when the community moves on, you know, whether to another city or somewhere a little more rural, depending, and that being okay. and I think, with Gene’s influence, and seeing how strong the ties are between the Pansies with Parachutes(TM), Snafu is able to reach out to Sledge and Burgie and the rest more than irl/show canon.

Babe and Spina are the other two that totally make it, soulmates, heartbreakingly cute. but I promised a little heartbreaking, so basically my idea is that they actually move in together a little while after the war, but at some point Babe’s mom realizes what’s up and... does not take it well. gives him an ultimatum, break up with Ralph or she won’t let him near the family, which Babe finds agonizing because he’s really close with his family but Ralph doesn’t have very many relatives, at least not close by (in this verse at least), and even if he could bring himself to break up with Ralph, at this point he doesn’t think his mom will ever treat him the same anyway.

in my head there’s a really sweet scene when Ralph finds out what happens and a lot of hugging and comforting. but yeah. that briefly sucks. what DOESN’T suck is when Babe decides, after a few months, that he has to tell Bill (because Bill has gotten so close to the Heffrons that of course he notices when Babe suddenly isn’t speaking to them), and Bill proves himself to be a total Bro who decides that, well, the typical idea of a homosexual CLEARLY doesn’t fit Babe and Spina so... it’s all good? like c’mon they went through a war together, that’s worth something, right?

I think eventually Babe and Spina move, too. not super far, just maybe to, idk, New York, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, somewhere they can visit everyone but maybe far enough to put some distance between them and bad memories, and also because South Philly is small when your family isn’t speaking to you, you know? possibly they end up in the same city as Luz and Tipper (see next), I’m not 100% sure but I’m vaguely attracted to the idea of everybody ending up on a commune, lol.

so I think I’m probably meanest to Luz, because I imagine him getting arrested at some point. sorry, boo. his reaction is to pay the fine and slink out, and get out of dodge for a while to avoid his family getting any blowback, and he ends up visiting Tipper, who’s really frustrated (which I alluded to a bit at the end of Through the Gay Days) because he just doesn’t click with his old friends as much and he hasn’t had a lot of luck romantically. and again I have this clear scene in my head of Tipper helping Luz dress in drag for the first time, lots of giggling and teasing, but Tipper doesn’t really do drag anymore because he can’t keep his balance in heels, and they end up talking about their frustrations and venting and whatnot. and eventually Luz is like “you know what? fuck it! run away with me!”

and Tipper’s like “fuck it, let’s do it!” so they just kind of live a semi-nomadic life? idk, maybe not really nomadic, but they get jobs that let them move/travel, so they don’t have the pressure of expectations. I’m on the fence about whether they do this as lovers... I would say not, like, REALLY. like possibly a friends with benefits thing (and I’ll point out that Luz is one of the only other named characters who interacts with Tipper, other than Liebgott, because Tipper’s in charge of the map during the Major Horton scene, so that chemistry could totally work). because they’re, like, the two from the fic whose relationships don’t end up going anywhere, and I don’t want them to pine after the Joes forever, and they don’t, but sometimes people just don’t find their soulmates, it happens, and they can at least make each other happy.

this is one of those verses where I’ve decided Liebgott gets to keep his wife-and-kids dream. I do think he’s gay in this verse, and when he gets engaged he writes a letter to Tipper basically seeking closure, admitting he dealt with things in kind of a shitty way and admitting it might be nice to have a Gay Posse, but he also takes his marriage seriously even if it’s not a love match, and doesn’t seek romantic or sexual encounters with men. idk if Joe Toye actually gets married in this verse, but I don’t see him as gay. if we were to retroactively apply the Kinsey scale, I’d say he’d be a 1 or a 2, in which the situational aspect of war kind of pushed him towards interactions that he may have subconsciously desired, but definitely wouldn’t acknowledge in a normal time and place.

as for Chuck! I kind of like the future I give Chuck, partly because he conveniently is from the LA area. so for him, I imagine that at some point Ron Speirs just kind of shows up on his doorstep one day and they become, like, an actual Thing. and it’s good for a couple of years, but Ron seems... restless. and eventually Chuck sits him down and flat-out says “look, I really don’t think you’re cut out for this settled-down long-term-relationship kind of thing. we had a good run, we can part on good terms, but you can travel and have adventures and do all the stuff you want to do.” and then, correctly, points out that one of the reasons Speirs is so reluctant to do that is because he feels guilty for Chuck getting shot, which doesn’t really make any sense. Chuck’s only request is that Ron NOT GO BACK INTO THE ARMY, because fuck Korea, have you heard how many gay soldiers are getting kicked out of the military nowadays? Speirs agrees and they break up amicably.

(is Chuck still in love with him? yes. does it hurt like a motherfucker? yes.)

ANYWAY. the L.A. is where the Mattachine Society, the first official homosexual organization in the country, was founded in 1948... or maybe 49. I forget. the founder started asking around a while before he found people who were actually willing to join up. I figure Chuck eventually joins up and is the first of the Pansies with Parachutes(TM) to really develop a political gay identity. and through that org he eventually meets Beth, a lesbian who’s just broken up with her gf and is kind of panicking because now she might have to leave her apartment and go back to her parents in Nebraska, and they become fast friends and fuck it, why not get married? it’s good cover, and I could have also gotten a chance to talk about the working class lesbian bar scene in the 1950s, which is a cool topic.

if this were a formal fic, I would end it with 1952, when the entire group reunites in honor of the 10-year anniversary of them meeting at Toccoa. since it’s not, suffice to say they do have all-group reunions, and they also visit each other and call and write letters and stay friends 5ever. at some point Babe and Spina have a not-wedding (there’s a picture of a wedding in the 50s with two grooms in flower crowns in Becoming Visible, I love that picture) and they all come and celebrate. OH and at some point between Luz getting arrested and meeting with Tipper, he definitely visits Gene in Louisiana and they make out a bit. because, tbh, I caught a bit of UST in Through the Gay Days--I don’t know if it’s a ship I’d ship in any other verse, lol, but in this verse I feel like they need to make out.

anyway. eventually the 50s end. I want to say that by the time Stonewall happens, either Tipper&Luz or Babe/Spina (both??) are living in NYC and for three days everyone is frantically calling each other going “DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS???” and Chuck becomes totally into the California gay scene, and Babe’s nieces and nephews eventually reach out to him, Tipper and Luz either... idk, become real boyfriends or get hot younger boyfriends and become Wise Gay Dads to the younger crowd. Snafu and Gene grow old together, as hard as it is to imagine old Snafu.

EVERYBODY IS HAPPY AND FRIENDS AND GAY, THE END.

[theworldhopper]

The Fall

AN: A NozoEli Star Wars AU that I wrote months back. Caution: You will be hurt...emotionally...but probably in the same magnitude Anakin felt when Obi-wan cut his arm and legs off...-.-

P.S. @sea-birdie, I think you’d like this...lol...:P

Screams.

Pain.

Anger.

Anguish.

Despair.

Death.

That was all Nozomi could hear as she meditated on her ship. She slowly opened her eyes and before standing up and walked towards the window, allowing her to get a good view of the endless expanse of the galaxy as well as a part of the planet of Naboo. When she was meditating, Nozomi could hear those endless cries of grief, suffering and despair. The only problem was she couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from; the people suffering from the iron grip of the Empire or herself. The young sith could think of a lot of reasons why it would come from the people around the galaxy. But…she could also think of so many reasons why it could come from herself. And all of them were related to her past as a Jedi and her former best friend, Ayase Eli…

See, Nozomi was taken from her parents when she was too young to even remember them to be trained by the Jedi Order the moment they realized she was Force-sensitive. It really did not help that they lived in Coruscant, the seat of the Republic Senate and the Jedi Order. So, she grew up with the order as her only family. A few months later, she met a blonde girl with blue eyes, named Eli. And the two quickly became fast friends since they were, after all, in a place filled with strange people teaching them strange things. But it wouldn’t be just the two of them for long. Then, they met Nico and she quickly became a friend of theirs to. A year later they were joined by three more; Honoka, Umi and Kotori, three childhood friends who were taken by the order at the same time. The next year after that; Rin, Hanayo and Maki joined them. After that, Honoka and Eli’s younger sisters joined them. And they all trained together as friends, albeit with some form of distance due to their individual trainings…as well as their masters’ orders. But Eli and Nozomi always did manage to find away to keep close to one another…

Years passed and they grew up. Their skills improved and soon enough, they became Padawans and eventually, Jedi Knights. Out of all of them, Nozomi was the first to become a Jedi Knight, followed shortly by Eli. It was no surprise that Nozomi would be first; her gifts in the Force as well as her midichlorian count could only be rivaled by Master Yoda and, of course, Anakin Skywalker himself. Then, the Clone Wars broke out and thankfully, they saw each other in the field as well, even though they were on their own missions with their own masters. And at some point, she realized that she was in love with the blonde girl. But all the deaths and suffering that they saw made Nozomi question everything; why were the Jedi participating in this war? The war should’ve been the Senate’s problem; not the Jedi’s. They should’ve remained neutral in everything. She saw Jedi masters injured in the war and Padawans dead, either at the hands of the droids or something else entirely. In the brief, fleeting moments they were granted time to themselves in Coruscant, Nozomi confessed her love to Eli and begged her to run away with her; abandon the Order and just leave to live peacefully somewhere. To her relief, Eli reciprocated her feelings and agreed to run away with her after they consummated their love.

But when Nozomi woke up the next morning, Eli wasn’t by her side. She was left with on a cold bed and a simple note of an apology from her. And in that moment, Nozomi felt all the sorrow, all the sadness, all the loneliness, all the pent up anger she’s kept inside for all the years the Order trained her, come rushing into her. She gave most of her life to something that would never give anything back to her. Nozomi hid her feelings so as to not go into conflict with the Order’s teachings. She felt cheated; deprived of life’s simplest pleasures such as love and a family. Just as she was preparing herself, her master arrived at her room and she struck him down before he could even put up a guard. Nozomi kept him alive long enough to tell him everything she felt. Once she was done, she drove her saber to his chest and she watched the light in his eyes go out. And at that moment, she knew…before she even looked at herself in the mirror and saw those sickly yellow eyes of hers…she knew that she had given in…

Toujou Nozomi had fallen to the Dark Side of the Force.

As soon as she could, she fled. It would only be later that she would learn of Order 66. She felt indifferent towards the lives of the Jedi that was lost, yet a tiny bit of her hoped that her friends were able to flee. Her biggest hope was Eli’s escape but not because she felt something for her. No, her reasons were different. Nozomi wanted Eli to flee because she wanted to be the one to strike her down. She wanted Eli to die, knowing and seeing what she had turned Nozomi into. At some point, while she was searching for Eli, she ran into Darth Vader and he offered to turn her into his apprentice; hone her skills in the dark side. Nozomi genuinely contemplated his offer but instead, she informed him that she would seek him out once she’s severed her only connection to the light side; Ayase Eli. As a sign of the Emperor’s goodwill, Vader left her with her own Star Destroyer and a large garrison of clones.

Now, it’s been three years since Order 66 and she could feel that her confrontation with Eli is closer than she expects. Who would leave alive, however, is something for fate to decide.

“Lady Toujou. We’ve found her.” One of her officers informed her. She turned around and gave her an indifferent look.

“Where?” She asked as she summoned her saber towards her, running her gloved fingers through the small reverse crescent moon mark she left there when she made it as a mere youngling, on the cusp of becoming a Padawan learner.

“Naboo, my lady. In the swamps near Lake Paonga.” The officer reported. She merely turned back to the window and continued looking on.

“Thank you. Ready my ship. Should you not hear from me in a week’s time, return to Lord Vader.” Nozomi coldly ordered him.

“Yes, my lady.” He replied before turning around and walking away.

“Can you feel me, Elichi? I’m just nearby.” She whisperedbefore grabbing her robe and walking out of her room, steeling herself for this final confrontation that would decide her fate.

Eli was sitting around the fire near her makeshift home in the swamps of Naboo, trying to formulate how she was going to avoid the Empire in case they ran into her again. This was taking such a toll on her as well as the other Jedi, who were on the run. When Order 66 started, she met up with the others and they decided that splitting up was the best way to ensure the survival of the Jedi. Her own master died saving her from the initial assault. Honoka went with her friend and fellow Jedi, Kira Tsubasa; last she heard, they were in Alderaan. Umi and Kotori had their sights set on Dantooine. Maki and Nico; she had no idea where they were. Rin and Hanayo were in Kashyyyk. Yukiho and Arisa were well on their way to Tatooine. And Nozomi…

She had no idea where Nozomi was at the moment and that caused her a great deal of worry. Eli had no idea what happened to her after she left her alone and snuck out, like a thief in the dead of night. She couldn’t run away with Nozomi like she promised, so like a coward, she wrote a note, gave her one last kiss and left. And every day, Eli regretted her decision. Because once the Order fell because of Order 66, it made Eli realize she had absolutely nothing left. She had left Nozomi for nothing. While she was thinking, she saw an Imperial TIE Fighter fly overhead and even though she should be fleeing, Eli couldn’t find it in herself to run. The TIE fighter landed a few feet away and when it opened, Eli suddenly founder herself pinned to a tree behind her, her airways being blocked off. She closed her eyes as she struggled to fight for breath.

“Hello, Elichi.” A familiar voice greeted her. Eli opened her eyes in shock once she heard the familiar nickname. Eli saw her friend, Nozomi, holding her in a Force choke. Tears sprung from her eyes once she saw Nozomi; instead of their vibrant and playful Emerald green eyes, they were now a sickly yellow with slits. A tell tale sign that she had fallen to the Dark Side.

“Elichi, see me now? This is what you turned me into.” Nozomi said with a bitter smile. Eli activated her lightsaber and threw it at her; not to kill her but to distract her. It worked as Nozomi dodged and she lost her grip on Eli’s throat. Eli used her telekinesis to push her away, just in time for her blue lightsaber to return to her. When Nozomi recovered, she opened her own saber; once green in color, it was now a dark red. Another sign of the Dark Side. Nozomi rushed forward to attack her but she managed to block it just in time.

“What happened to you, Nozomi?” Eli asked as she desperately tried to keep the tears at bay. Nozomi separated and moved to attack again but she dodged before continuing their battle.

“Don’t play dumb, Elichi! You turned me into this! You toyed with me! Used me! Then you left me the next morning after making me believe that we were going to be happy together!” Nozomi angrily yelled as she swiped at Eli, managing to graze her arm. The blonde Jedi retaliated and managed to cut her leg.

“I couldn’t just leave, Nozomi1 I couldn’t abandon the Order and the galaxy!” Eli yelled in her defense as she blocked Nozomi’s blow.

“How admirable of you, Elichi! To give everything to something that would give nothing back in return! You know what I did when you left me? I killed my master the next time I saw him! I drove my saber into his chest as I listed down the things the Jedi took from me! I watched the light leave his eyes! And now I’m going to do the same to you!”

Eli was completely caught off guard by everything Nozomi said. Was she really that consumed by anger? What had she turned the woman she loved the most into? Eli was so caught up in her shock that she reacted a bit too late to Nozomi’s attack that all she could do was throw her hand out to push her opponent back with Telekinesis, something that Nozomi seem to have seen coming as she did the same to her. They both hit trees in the opposite direction and they both struggled to stand but Nozomi got to her feet first and once she saw Eli on the ground, she brought her saber towards her and delivered a barrage of Force lightning towards her. The blonde howled in pain as the electricity coursed towards her entire body. She was only granted a few brief respites before Nozomi resumed her torture. Eventually, the purple haired Sith stood before her, pointing her dark red saber towards her torso.

“Don’t worry, Elichi. I’m going to end you and that will be it. I won’t go after the others. Especially little Arisa.” She said in a false attempt to comfort Eli. At this moment, she was content to accept death if it would free Nozomi of her pain.

“Do it.” She whispered. Nozomi tilted her head in confusion as Eli looked up at her, the tears she’s been holding back finally escaping.

“Do it, Nozomi. If it’ll free you of your pain, then do it. I want to at least do something right for you. I’m sorry I left you but I never once lied when I said I love you.”

Eli shut her eyes and waited for the finishing blow but, instead, all she heard were sniffles from the woman standing over her. She saw that Nozomi was crying as her saber was raised above her head, poised for the killing blow but for some reason, she can’t do it.

“I-I can’t…I can’t do it. Why can’t I do it? I thought I no longer loved you.” Nozomi said, anguish apparent in her voice.

“You don’t have to, Nozomi. There’s still good in you; I can sense it. Please. Please return to the light. Please, Nontan.” Eli begged her. She knew that Nozomi still had some good in her. The fact that she still called her by her childhood nickname and that she won’t go after their old friends proved that much.

“Elichi…I want to but…this will never end unless one of us dies!”

Eli was horrified when she realized what Nozomi meant by her words and before she could rush forward to stop her, the purple haired woman stabbed herself at her side. The blonde Jedi rushed forward to catch her in her arms.

“No. No. Nozomi, stay with me.” She begged as she cradled her in her arms. Eli had no idea why she was begging; she knew how fatal a stab wound from a lightsaber could be. There was no saving Nozomi from her fate.

“E-Elichi…” Nozomi weakly whispered as she put a hand to Eli’s chest, seeing the familiar item there.

“You…you kept it…all…these years…” She said upon seeing the blue Kyber crystal necklace that hanging around the blonde’s neck. It was identical to the green Kyber crystal necklace around Nozomi.

“Of course…it was the first thing you ever gave me.” Eli said as tears fell from her eyes. Before they moved to being Padawan learners, they underwent a ritual called The Gathering to find a Kyber crystal for their lightsabers. Nozomi not only got hers but managed to get two more for Eli and the blonde fashioned them into necklaces for each other with Eli keeping the blue crystal and Nozomi, the green.

“Elichi…can you…do something for…me?” She weakly asked and Eli nodded as she held her hand.

“What is it?”

“T-tell me…you love me…even if it’s a lie. For one last time, I…just want to know what being loved feels like.”

Eli held her close as she cried. She was not ready to let her go just yet; she just found Nozomi and now, she was going to lose her again. It would’ve been better if the Jedi never found them. They could’ve met under different circumstances and lived a peaceful life, even with the threat of the Empire looming above them.

“I love you, Nozomi. I’m not lying. I never lied.” She said before kissing her. When they separated, Eli gasped upon seeing that Nozomi’s eyes had returned to their vibrant green color but simply smiled and continued to hold her.

“Hey, Nozomi…what do you think our lives would’ve been like if I did run away with you? We’d probably be living peacefully here. Maybe in Lake Country. We’d be in hiding but we’d be together. Wouldn’t you like that, Nozomi?” She asked as tears fell from her eyes. A life like that with Nozomi was everything she could ever wish for. It was everything she wanted for them and especially for Nozomi.

“That…would be nice.” The purple haired woman weakly said as she cupped the blonde’s cheek. “Hey, Elichi…”

“Nozomi?”

“I…I love you. Never forget that.”

And her entire form went limp in Eli’s arms. Eli’s eyes widened in shock and horror as she watched Nozomi become one with The Force; her body disappeared, leaving only her robes, her saber and her Kyber crystal necklace. The blonde Jedi cried at her loss until she no longer had the strength to do so. Eli gathered enough strength to stand and burned Nozomi’s robes but keeping her saber and her necklace for herself, wearing the accessory around her neck. The blonde’s eyes landed on Nozomi’s TIE Fighter and immediately, she knew what she had to do. Without any hesitation, she walked towards it and in turn, her destiny.

“Hello, my friends and fellow Jedi. It’s been a while. I don’t know if you felt it through The Force but…Nozomi is dead. I should know because I saw her kill herself. She…turned to the Dark Side and she tried to kill me. But she couldn’t…so she killed herself instead. I will be following her soon. It was my fault why she turned; I told her I loved her and then left her. Which brings me to the last advice I can give all of you; forget what the Jedi taught us. Forget what our masters said about attachment and love and how those things are dangerous. If you fall in love, take the risk but remember to not let it lure you to the Dark Side. It’s a possible thing to do. I know that none of you will fail in ensuring the survival of the Jedi; especially you, Arisa. Goodbye, my friends. May The Force be with all of you…always.

“Admiral! Lady Toujou’s TIE Fighter is returning.” One of the ship’s crew informed the Admiral.

“Excellent. No doubt she’s taken care of the Jedi scum.” He said as he left the bridge to greet Nozomi. The TIE Fighter landed on the landing bay as stormtroopers and officers went about their usual rounds. Just as the hatch to the TIE Fighter opened, something jumped out and started butchering the people on the landing bay. A blonde Jedi with blue and red lightsabers. She relentlessly attacked each and every one of them and just as she thought she could let her guard down for a moment, she felt something hit her from behind. She looked down and saw a burned hole through her chest; she had been shot. She turned and saw a young officer with a blaster pistol pointed at her. He was young, not even out of his twenties and very nervous at the sight of her. She poised herself to attack but before she could even move, he shot her twice. She fell to the floor. As she lay dying on the floor of the Star Destroyer, all she could see was the vibrant night life of Coruscant and a beautiful purple haired Jedi Knight with green eyes.

“Nozomi…”

And with those words, Jedi Knight Ayase Eli finally became one with The Force.

The young officer who shot Eli stood over her body and watched as her physical form faded away and he was surprised by the sudden hand on his shoulder.

“Well done, young man.” The ship’s Admiral praised him. “I will see that you receive a promotion for this.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“So, who is our mysterious attacker?” The Admiral asked.

“A Jedi Knight, sir. She said something before fading. I heard her say ‘Nozomi’.” The young officer answered. The Admiral sighed and shook his head.

“Then, it was the Jedi that Lady Toujou was hunting. And if she’s here, it could only mean that Lady Toujou is dead.” He said with a tone of disapproval. “I always did warn her that her obsession would lead to her end.”

A beat of silence occurred between them before the Admiral spoke up again.

“Very well. Pick up the sabers. We must deliver them to Lord Vader and inform him that his potential apprentice is dead.” He ordered before he walked away. The officer nodded and moved to collect the fallen Jedi’s belongings. Just as he was about to stand up again with the sabers in his hands, two more objects caught his eye and he moved to pick them up as well…

They were two crystals on thick leather strings; one was colored blue and the other, green.

[rwby-rants-and-theories]

RWBY - On Oscar, Ozpin, the White Fang, and Salem’s Inner Circle

Here we go, guys gals and nonbinary pals. The time has come for the final act of RWBY Volume 4. Are you combat ready?

Cause I’m sure as hell not.

Now with the volume coming to an end, we have good ol’ Farmboi heading god-knows-where after a long, haunting, and crucial ultimatum from Ozpin.

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Ehh, well, not quite. He just kinda gets up and leaves, lol.

Look, I get it. Oscar’s storyline needed to start at some point. He couldn’t stay in the farm forever while the rest of the plot kept progressing for everyone else at whatever rate that may be.

My problem is that there really isn’t any emotional gravitas in Oscar’s decision to leave the farm.

Consider: Oscar is an ordinary kid in Anima. The farm and his aunt are probably the only life and family he’s ever known. As far as one could assume, he’d never dream he’d ever take part in some Magical Global Conspiracy™ against the Forces of Evil™. Next thing you know, Ozpin swoops in and completely shatters the status quo (I swear to God, Ozpin’s kink is ruining teenagers’ lives, lmao). He makes Oscar question his sanity, his memories, and his own individuality. The only thing we’re ever shown of Ozpin trying to justify this is very weak consolations and vague promises of greatness. There really isn’t much in the way of dynamic between Oscar and Ozpin. Granted, Ozpin has most likely explained things to Oscar off-screen.

But that in itself is also quite problematic.

I understand that there are certain plot points and information that we, the viewers, aren’t supposed to know yet. In a story, there are certain pieces of information whose revelations are much more meaningful when delivered towards a specific character or group of characters.

Take for instance, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. In the novel, Harry encounters a book filled with intimidatingly advanced and much more effective spells and potion-crafting. The only thing he knows about it is that it was written by the titular “Half-Blood Prince”. Harry takes advantage of the contents of the book, and while at first he thinks his use of it is harmless, he eventually learns that the use of a method without having a proper knowledge and understanding behind it proves fatal. The consequences of the book’s misuse haunt him and the reader for the rest of the novel as he wrestles over the mystery of the true identity of the Half-Blood Prince. At the climax of the novel, he is confronted by the Half-Blood Prince, who reveals himself to Harry and the reader in a shocking and thematically appropriate plot twist that satisfies the reader, precisely because no one else within the story possessed the knowledge of the Half-Blood Prince’s identity and more importantly, because Harry, the person who has been obsessing painfully over this information, gets to react to it alongside the reader.

There is absolutely none of that with Oscar and Ozpin.

A lot of us were convinced that Qrow’s poisoning would lead to Team RNJR+Q running into Oscar near the end of the volume. RNJR+Q would provide solid proof of Ozpin’s story, forcing Oscar into action and help him and Team RNJR (and by extension the viewers) understand his role in the fight against Salem. It would have treated us to Oscar wrestling over leaving his life and family behind and RNJR learning more about the circumstances behind Pyrrha’s death, the Fall of Beacon, and Salem’s Faction from Ozpin himself, who must answer for manipulating Pyrrha and keeping Ruby in the dark about her abilities.

There was a lot about Oscar the viewer could have bonded with. He’s ordinary. Unsuspecting. He has a normal family in an aunt with whom he quips. We aren’t introduced to her at all and therefore we don’t feel her neither as an organic character with a clear purpose in the World of Remnant nor as any sort of part of Oscar’s life. She should be a big part, a reason for Oscar to not want to leave, and therefore make it so important and impactful when he chooses to do so.

Oscar left so abruptly. There wasn’t any proper build-up to his decision, nothing that could make the viewer feel emotionally invested in his departure. No “Oh, finally!” or “I can’t believe he’s actually leaving...” or “Now he can take part in the action!”

Moving on, we have Oscar (and Ozpin’s) meeting with Hazel. As he was instructed in the beginning of the Volume, he’s off to meet Sienna Khan, the current leader of the White Fang.

What strikes me so much about Hazel is that he’s someone who’s incredibly composed. He’s enormous and probably crazy strong, but if that’s all he was, no way Salem would have sent him to meet with the leader of the White Fang.

Salem: “And Hazel, I'm sending you to the leader of the White Fang. Adam Taurus has arranged the meeting. The boy continues to prove loyal. Ensure Sienna Khan feels the same.”

It could have been Watts, a man who seems to be incredibly proud of his intelligence and prowess. But instead, Watts was assigned to meet with Salem’s informant at Mistral (quite possibly the Headmaster of Haven or Sanctum, but a point later on in this analysis might refute this). Salem sent Hazel. This most heavily suggests that he is capable of conducting business and reconnaissance rather tactfully. Nevertheless, given that we know that Sienna Khan is meant to be overthrown by splinter members of the White Fang, I’m not sure how Hazel’s presence might factor into all this. Hazel was sent to talk to Sienna Khan, not eliminate them. 

This presents quite a few ways this meeting could go down.

Hazel will meet with Adam, who will propose assassinating Khan and taking over the White Fang to secure the loyalty and military manpower of the organization worldwide to Salem’s cause. (How this will affect Blake and Yang warrants a different discussion.) The coup takes place.

Hazel will meet with Sienna Khan as planned, who will comply with Hazel’s demands and further consolidate the relationship between the White Fang and Salem’s Faction. Adam might or might not proceed with the coup.

Hazel will meet with Sienna Khan as planned. Khan will refuse to cooperate with Hazel, prompting a fight. Khan is defeated and might be killed, prompting Adam to formally take over the White Fang for Salem’s cause.

Hazel will meet with Sienna Khan as planned. Khan either submits or stands up to Hazel. Hazel promises to return with an ultimatum. During this time, Adam executes the coup and either continues to serve Salem, or decides to use his newfound political and military power against Salem and the rest of humanity.

Hazel will meet with Sienna Khan. Khan complies. Adam is not involved with the coup. When the coup happens, the White Fang is thrown into disarray, weakening the integrity of Salem’s operation.

Knowing Corsac and Fennec’s familiarity with Ilia and the brothers’ loyalty to Adam, the last scenario is highly unlikely, but not entirely worth ignoring.

Back to Hazel though, there’s a lot of wisdom and perhaps even goodwill within Hazel. He sees Oscar struggling with the ticket dispenser and not only offers help with a rather tender initiative, but also counsels him on confidence and determination before returning to his task.

We’re also treated to something quite interesting: Ozpin’s reaction to Hazel.

When Oscar asks who Hazel is, Ozpin only answers with the cryptic “Someone from my past.”

Here’s the thing. I’ve spent the last couple of days rewatching the volumes. And something I noticed in 4x01 during the meeting of Salem’s Inner Circle, was how not only did Salem refer to Ozpin as “dear Ozpin”, but also how there were two empty seats at the table. Now, I don’t think those belong to Emerald and Mercury. They take their place by Cinder’s side or away from Salem’s Table whenever summoned. They’re not equals, they’re lackeys. Tools to be used at Salem and Cinder’s whim. If they truly were welcome at Salem’s Inner Circle, they’d take the liberty to pull up a chair and scheme alongside the Big Bads™. Now, couple that with Ozpin’s line to Ruby in 1x10.

“Ruby, I’ve made more mistakes than any man, woman, and child on this planet.”

Would those mistakes include serving a cause that may have begun noble and became twisted over time?

How much are you willing to bet that one of those seats once belonged to Ozpin?

Okay, yeah, that begs the question “To whom does that other seat belong?” For all we know? If we’re going for “Haven’s-Headmaster-Is-In-Cahoots-With Salem”, then that chair probably belongs to him. However, there’s two points that contradict this.

Haven’s Headmaster would have just taken Ozpin’s seat and was likely inducted after Ozpin left.

If the Headmaster is just an informant, there is no real reason for him to be part of Salem’s Inner Circle.

Well, Ozpin or no Ozpin, Hazel gave a peek to a different moral dimension to Salem’s Inner Circle. I’m convinced that Salem and co. aren’t doing evil things for evil’s sake. They act for reasons they truly believe to be righteous and necessary, otherwise, why would Watts, Hazel, and Cinder ally themselves with an epitome of darkness and destruction such as Salem? There’s always personal reasons, but there’s always a similar goal in mind that has bound them all together. Even Tyrian.

That’s the kind of villain complexity that RWBY both needs and deserves, and I’m glad we’re getting to see that bit by bit in Hazel’s personal layers and Cinder’s disability and recovery.

EDIT:

I thought of another outcome to Hazel’s meeting with Adam. Here’s another way it could go down:

Somehow, some or all members Team RWBY (either reunited or separated) get a hold of information about the meeting or happen to track someone who is attending it. They crash the negotiations, prompting a fight. This is where Blake and Yang have their rematch against Adam (which might or might not be their final encounter against him). The fight ends, Sienna is either rescued by Blake and enlists the help of the White Fang or is somehow left indisposed (death, injury, kidnapping), forcing Blake to step forward as the new interim leader of the White Fang.