#that's what my therapist told me. she was really good today honestly.

[elytrafemme]

wish i could be all spiteful at my therapist saying that i have borderline functioning tendencies but not consistently enough for it to be classified as an abnormal behavioral thing. like i wish i could do what i’ve been doing for months and plan ways to get her to quit her job or put her in an uncomfortable ultimatum or do anything to get a different response to the same question i’ve asked her for two years. 

but instead... i’m just tired, honestly. like. yeah. my biggest curse is the fact that i can cope with things. which sounds twisted. but if i wasn’t able to cope, i would get help. these problems would be fixed because an intervention would be necessary and forced. but i don’t need an intervention. so the problems aren’t going away. 

and part of me says, so make yourself need an intervention. act out. do something crazy. but it’s like. i’ve already done that. i keep doing things that i say are out of control but are at least partly purposeful so that someone reacts to it. and it hasn’t changed anything. so there really is no way out of this conundrum except to keep repressing this anger over and over because there’s no resolution for it. 

weird. 

[bro-atz]

knots

in which: your coworker recommends that you see a massage therapist for your many, many muscle aches, and you do just that with massage therapist choi san

pair: san/afab!reader

word count: 4k

content: smut, masseuse!au, table sex, massage, completely consensual!

apply for the permanent taglist here!

Thank god your thighs were fucked up. Actually, it sucks. Your thighs were eternally fucked according to every single doctor you’ve ever been to. They all said that you have incredibly large knots in your thighs and that you would need more than one session to bring your thighs back to normal. You didn’t really think about seeing a massage therapist until you threw your shoulder out working your day job like there was no tomorrow.

One of your coworkers from work always told you to see one of the massage therapists at the place that she goes to.

“They’re all really good! My go-to therapist is usually Yeosang, but Wooyoung filled in for him one day, and he did a good job as well. I’m telling you, they saved my life,” she explained to you while giving you their business card.

“Do they only have male massage therapists?” you asked, unsure if you would feel comfortable having a man massage you instead of a woman.

“They do... I think… I was the same way, too, but the person at the front desk recommended Yeosang for me because each massage therapist has different styles and pressures. Some of them can be really firm, but others have a light touch. I usually need medium to firm to bounce back.���

You nodded, still hesitant about the place, but after you left work and stepped onto the sidewalk wrong and feeling a way of soreness and pain shoot through your calves and thighs, you decided that you would go to this place that your coworker told you about.

Upon entering, you were greeted by a cute receptionist who looked like a massage therapist himself.

“Welcome to SPATZ. My name is Jongho. How can I help you today?”

“Uh…” you hesitated, unsure of how to go about asking for their services.

“Do you have an appointment?”

“No…”

“Not a problem, we do take walk-ins. What kind of service are you looking for today?”

He opened his book and flipped through some pages while you thought about what parts of your body were in pain.

“Honestly, I have no idea. My doctors keep telling me about knots in my thighs, and today I threw my shoulder out at work… I guess my entire body?”

“And what kind of pressure do you prefer?” he asked without looking up from the book.

“I… I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

The man finally looked up from the book. You shifted slightly as you felt his gaze burn a hole through you and then let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding when he opened up another book and jotted down some details.

“Name?”

“Y/N.”

“Insurance and ID, please,” he asked you as he held out his hand.

You handed the cards to him. He scanned them then returned them to you as he continued to scribble away in the smaller notebook.

“Shoulder… Thighs… Your calves are a little tense, too… And your back is definitely stiff,” Jongho said to himself, but you were still able to hear him slightly. He raised his voice as he addressed you, “Luckily, we have our most versatile therapist available at the moment. Since this is your first time, you get to test out our service for free, and when the session is over, we can discuss scheduling future visits. For now, if you could just fill out this paperwork and have a seat.”

He handed you a clipboard, which you took. You didn’t take long to fill out the paperwork, but before you could get up and hand the board back to the receptionist, the door to the inside of the place opened, revealing a man who seemed more equipped to be a sports therapist than the receptionist.

“Y/N?”

“Yes!”

“Come with me.”

The man disappeared through the door, and you quickly got up, returned the board to Jongho, and shuffled towards him until you were walking right behind him. He opened another door and gestured for you to go in. You did so and stood in the room awkwardly as he shut the door behind you two. There was a table in the middle of the room and towards one of the walls was a bunch of cabinets and a countertop with a various collection of oils and lotions lined up.

“You can put your bag on this chair and have a seat on the table,” he said with mild amusement upon seeing your timidness.

You nodded and did as he instructed. There was a rolling stool near the counter and cabinets that he sat on and rolled on so that he was right in front of you. The stool was significantly shorter than the table itself, so when he rolled over, his head was near your knees. You swallowed nervously and held your legs closer together as you looked at this massage therapist.

He was beautiful. He smiled at you softly, slightly exposing his dimples which you know would go deeper the moment he laughed. He eyes were sharp, but his eyebrows were even sharper— they were definitely not sisters; they were twins. The shape of his nose accentuated all the sharp lines on his face, and his plush lips truly added to his charm. You felt your face get warm. You silently thanked God that you wouldn’t have to look at his face while he worked on your knots since he would most likely have you be face down for the most part.

“My name is San, and I’m going to be your massage therapist today,” he introduced himself. “Before we get started, what kind of pressure are you looking for?”

“I really don’t know. This is my first time getting any sort of massage, so I have no idea what kind of pressure would be best for me,” you answered truthfully.

“Okay, so what we can do is start soft, then if you need me to go harder, I can.”

It was the way he phrased that sentiment that made you shift slightly, trying to calm yourself down.

“According to Jongho, you want to work on your shoulder, legs, and lower back, right?”

You nodded. San opened one of the cabinets and pulled out a sheet. He shook out the sheet and nodded his head, indicating that you should get off the table. You did so, and he covered the table with the sheet. Then, he said, “I’m going to step out of the room for a minute. Undress, get under the sheet, and lay face down. Let me know when you’re ready.”

Your eyes widened. Why did he need you to remove your clothes? Couldn’t he just work over your clothes? San seemed to read your mind as he clarified, “To work out the knots and give you the best effect, working with skin-to-skin contact will be best.”

With a hesitant but understanding nod, you allowed San to step out of the room. You quickly removed your clothes and got under the sheet, worried that San would just step in when you were completely naked. You ensured that the sheet was tucked tightly around you so that you were only showing so much skin and put your face down. Several seconds later, San knocked on the door.

“Ready?”

“Ready!”

San entered the room again and closed the door behind him. You kept your head down as you waited for him to do his thing. You did not want to make eye contact with him at all.

The first part of your body that he uncovered was your shoulder itself, and you were suddenly aware that the side of your breast was exposed to the chilly air in the room. You pursed your lips and tried not to think about the fact that with one wrong move, San could see your entire naked backside. However, San remained professional. He didn’t pull any moves on you.

The session went really well. Your thighs had never felt such relief before. According to San, your thighs needed an insane amount of pressure, but the rest of your body needed a lighter touch. After your session, he recommended that you schedule your appointments with him if you planned on returning for their services. You did just that.

You had many, many, many sessions with San since that first time. You developed a sort of professional friendship with him in that time, and on your first anniversary since starting the services at the place he worked at, you got an email from the company itself celebrating that anniversary. To celebrate, you went for another massage.

“Can you believe I’ve been seeing you for a year?” you asked him, unaware of your choice of phrasing.

“You make it sound like we’re dating,” he responded jokingly.

Your face went red. The thought of you dating your massage therapist felt taboo in a way, but that wasn’t why you were blushing— if you ever got the chance to date someone as hot as San, you probably wouldn’t be able to function ever.

“So, what’re we working on today?” San asked as he laid out the sheet.

“I slept on my neck funny—”

“I told you not to sleep with so many pillows!”

“I’m not anymore! But I fell asleep on my sofa last night…”

“Y/N! Don’t do that! You’re going to make your condition way worse,” San lectured. “You better sleep in a proper bed tonight.”

“I will, I promise.”

“Good. Undress and go face down. We’ll work on your neck and shoulders. Also, maybe your lower back. Your posture needs a little work.”

After undressing and getting under the sheet, San entered the room. He moved the sheet down so that your traps were completely uncovered then put some oil on his hands and rubbed his hands together to generate some heat. He started massaging lightly.

You didn’t know what was different about this time. He used the same lotion as usual, and he used the same pressure, but you were incredibly turned on— maybe it was because he was massaging much slower than usual. It didn’t help when San brushed your hair away from your neck, his nails grazing the nape of your neck almost making you moan. Your ears were burning as his fingers pressed into the sides of your neck and along your shoulders.

It was only when San traced a line down your spine and blew cool air lightly along the way did you confirm that he was definitely not doing his usual service.

“San…?”

“Yes, Y/N?”

You didn’t know what to say. You wanted to call him out for not maintaining his usual style of massage, but you also didn’t want him to stop.

“Is everything okay?” San prompted since you didn’t respond.

“Y-yeah…”

“Want me to move onto your lower back?”

“Sure…”

San moved the sheet down further, exposing your lower back. He worked on your back, and his service went back to normal for a solid minute before you felt his hands work lower than your lower back. He was on your tail bone, then his hands went further. The sheet moved down even more, and the second he cupped your buttocks, you gasped and moaned slightly.

“S-san,” you said his name breathlessly.

“Yes, Y/N?”

“You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”

“It’s a stress relieving massage. It’s meant to make every part of you feel good.”

You wanted to respond, but before you could, San squirted more oil onto your body and started rubbing your ass cheeks inwards. His firm kneading on your buttocks made your legs tingle. You had to hold onto the sides of the table to keep your sanity, your nails digging into the sheets. Small moans escaped you every so often, earning a throaty chuckle from San. The sheet completely slipped off you— rather, San pulled it off— and his hands moved to your thighs. They went from the back of your thigh to the inside, his fingers rubbing against your labia and clit over and over again. You couldn’t tell if you were wet because of the oil or because he was turning you on, but the one thing you knew for certain was that you felt the tension in your pussy build exponentially.

You gasped loudly when San’s fingers pressed into you ever so slightly, the tips of his fingernails grazing the inside of your pussy.

“You doing okay?” San asked, his voice reaching a teasing tone.

“Uh-huh,” you nearly moaned.

“So is it okay if I continue?”

“Mmhmm,” you responded, desperately needing him to help you reach your climax.

“Then flip over for me.”

San moved away from you, allowing you to turn so that you were now face up. He placed your arms and legs accordingly to assist with his massage, which meant your arms were pinned to the sides of you, and your legs were spread wide open, nearly dangling off the edges of the table. Before he resumed the massage, he poured more oil onto your body. You watched through narrowed, bleary eyes as he kept a stoic face while completely covering you with the warm oil until the bottle itself was completely empty.

The feeling of the warm oil hitting your bare skin was electrifying, and it only got better as he continued the massage. He first focused on your hip joints, your pussy still impatiently throbbing for him to satisfy you. You closed your eyes and leaned your head back as his hand neared your crotch once more, his fingers rubbing along the sides of your pussy once again while his other hand massaged your breast and played with your nipple.

Then, he drew circles over your clit. The circles started slowly at first, but they gradually sped up. Moans tumbled out of your mouth as your hands reached to push San’s away, but he had no intention of letting you interrupt his flow. He positioned himself so that no matter how you grabbed his arm to pull his fingers away from you, there was no way in hell that was going to happen.

The combination of him rubbing circles on your nipple and clit was too much for you, but you had yet to hit your climax. That was when San trapped your clit between his two fingers and rubbed vigorously, making you cum within seconds. You did your best to keep your cries of pleasure on the quiet side, but that was just not happening when San fingers slipped inside you.

“Wait, San! Ah!” you cried out as his thick fingers rushed in and out of you.

He barely gave you time to recover from your first climax, and with the added element of San’s fingers curled inside you as he pushed them in, you barely had time to resist cumming once again. You held onto San’s wrist with both of your hands, your arms weak from the pleasure. This time, you moaned loudly as you flung your head back, your eyes rolling to the back of your head in pure ecstasy. You prayed that San wouldn’t continue with this spectacular massage of his, and your prayers were answered. After you came the second time, San moved away from the table and grabbed a couple of towels for you and him.

“Your session is over,” San said, a hint of disappointment in his voice. “However, if you would like to extend, I’d be happy to continue with the service when I get off of work.”

Despite cumming twice within the session, you wanted more from him. You nodded, your face still flushed, your words not formulating properly, and your eyes unable to maintain eye contact with him.

“I get off my shift in thirty minutes. Wait for me in the parking lot.”

San left the room, allowing you to wipe down yourself completely, dress, and head to the parking lot. You did as he instructed and waited for him in the parking lot, anxiety starting to prick at your skin. He got off his shift right as he said he would. He walked to his car and unlocked the doors. He opened the passenger’s side door and watched you fully sit inside before closing the door on your behalf and getting into the driver’s seat.

The drive was silent. This was the first time you had ever been with your massage therapist outside of the workplace, which made you realize that you practically knew nothing about the man other than some of his hobbies and daily activities— very surface level stuff. You couldn’t even bring yourself to ask him any questions; the sexual tension was heavy, and it felt like you were choking on it.

You arrived at San’s place. You walked into his apartment timidly, completely self-conscious about the fact that he was right in front you. He led you to his bedroom where you stood awkwardly as he disappeared into his closet. He emerged bearing a soft, plush robe. He handed it to you as he said in a low, quiet voice, “Go take a shower. You still need to wash the oil off.”

“Right,” you nodded and accepted the robe.

“You can leave your clothes in the bathroom for now. When you’re done, come back into my bedroom.”

Acknowledging what he said, you went into his bathroom and did as he asked. Your mind was in a daze as you cleaned the oil off your body to the best of your ability. The evening had moved so fast that you didn’t even know exactly how you got to be standing naked in San’s shower, and you even wondered if being there that night was even a good idea; but then, your mind flashed to how good the man in the other room made you feel, and you decided that being in his apartment was definitely going to be worth it. You quickly finished up in his bathroom shortly after that revelation. Wearing the robe, you left his bathroom and returned to his bedroom, where he was standing by the foot of his bed. He had changed out of his work clothes and into a pair of grey sweatpants and a white tank top. You felt your body heat up and your face burn upon seeing him.

“Did you wash everything off, Y/N?” San asked you as he turned his entire body to face you.

“To the best of my ability.”

“Hmm, let’s check then. Lie here.”

San gestured to the side of the bed he was standing near. You walked slowly towards him before sitting then lying on the bed face up. Before getting on the bed himself, San dimmed the lights in his room. He trapped your waist between his knees, his face hovering above yours as he brushed your hair away from your face. His fingers wiped the side of your neck as if he was actually searching for any missed spots, but it was definitely a ruse— his fingers trailed down the side of your neck across your collarbones and down the center of your chest. His hand slipped under the robe and began to feel up your breast. You tilted your head to the side, squeezed your eyes shut, and whimpered as you felt San’s other hand hold your waist tightly. You couldn’t help but yelp when San ran his finger over your nipple and began to play with your nipple.

Your hands clutched the bedsheets as if you were holding on for dear life, and your legs were pressed together as you felt your pussy get wetter with every passing second. Your eyes went wide open when San moved one end of the robe away from your breast, his lips planting on your nipple instantly. Your whole body lurched as he sucked painfully hard, his tongue flicking your nipple. He still had his hand on your breast, which he squeezed as he continued to lick and suck, nearly driving you crazy. Your eyes were shut once more as you flung your head back to fully experience this newfound ecstasy.

Your eyes fluttered open when you felt his lips and hand release your breast. You watched his chest heave with every deep breath he took. Your heart fluttered as that broad chest of his lowered so that it was nearly pressed against yours. He tilted your chin so that you were forced to make eye contact with him, and you felt yourself get turned on all over again. His lips parted momentarily, as if he wanted to say something or ask you a question, but he settled for running his tongue over his lower lip before bringing his lips to meet yours.

San’s lips were sweet and warm, but his kiss was rough and hot. Your hands found his forearms and held onto them tightly as you pushed yourself further into his amazingly intense kiss. His lips were magnetic. When the kiss ended, you wanted to return to him so quickly, but he instead sat up. He had the most intense and sultry look on his face as he gazed at you.

It was only when San took his tank top off did you realize how muscular he was. Sure, you saw his biceps and triceps when you first laid eyes on him in the tank top, but you weren’t thinking about what his body looked like underneath. He remained upright as he tossed the top to the ground. You could barely count the number of abs you could see on him in the faint light, and before you could figure out the number, he took your hands in his and neared you once more. He placed your hands so that they were on the back of his neck.

“Keep your hands right there, okay?”

You nodded. You were expecting him to kiss you again, so it completely took you by surprise when his fingers untied your robe and pushed it aside, his hands forcing you to spread your legs. He rubbed your pussy lightly before checking his fingers, his tongue running along the tips of his fingers to taste. You desperately wanted to cover your red hot face in embarrassment, but you did as San told and kept your hands firmly planted on the back of his neck.

“You did a good job cleaning yourself up,” he told you, a slight smirk appearing on his face.

San lowered himself and placed his lips right by your ear, his hand returning to rubbing your pussy. You let out little erotic gasps as San’s thumb pushed lightly into you as he rubbed. You moved your head towards his, your hand slipping from his neck to his cheek. You guided him gently to kiss you as his fingers continued to make your pussy wetter.

It was when San let out impatient grunts did you begin to feel a little restless. You desperately wanted something in you whether it be his fingers or his cock, and you knew that he was reaching his limit; so, you moved your hand down to his waist and cupped his crotch, the bulge in his pants immediately getting bigger. San’s breathing hitched as he moaned your name.

Without a second to lose, San stripped himself down completely before ripping the robe off of you. You were both completely naked, and while San had seen you naked plenty of times in the past, this was the first time you ever saw him in his entirety. You couldn’t really gauge how big he was when you felt him up just moments before, so you certainly were not expecting to see a massive weapon at his disposal. Reaching towards his nightstand, San grabbed a condom and swiftly rolled it on. His hands reached for your waist and pulled you towards him gently, his lips near your neck as the tip of his dick pressed lightly against your entrance.

“Breathe in,” San whispered as if you were lying on the massage table.

You took a deep breath in, and when you exhaled, San pushed his way into you. Your exhale turned into a loud cry, your hands automatically reaching for his neck once again. You held him close to you as he began to move, your eyes squeezed shut as you felt his length reach all the way inside you and his girth stretch you out completely.

San’s thrusts slowly sped up. He was being rather gentle with you, which at first made you want to demand more from him, but when he slammed his pelvis into yours, you decided to keep your mouth shut— he was incredibly strong and big, so him being gentle was a courtesy. Loud moans left your lips as he continued to speed up, the bed underneath the two of you slightly squeaking as his fully body force moved the mattress upwards, your eyes still glued shut.

“Y/N, look at me,” San said with a rough grunt.

You blinked a couple of tears out of your eyes as you barely made eye contact with San. He wiped the tears from the corner of your eye, his other hand still firmly grasping your waist. You felt time come to a standstill when you stared into San’s deep, beautiful eyes. Just looking into your eyes was enough for him; San let out a deep shuddering sigh as he slammed into your waist loudly, his dick quivering inside you. Seeing San bite his lower lip as he came made you cum as well, a whimper leaving you as your cries of pleasure died down.

Silently, San got off his bed. He removed the condom, tied it up, and threw it away before joining you on the bed again. He laid down right next to you, his arm snaking around your waist and bringing you closer to him. You pressed your ear against his chest and listened to the sound of his beating heart as the two of you calmed down.

“How was that for you?”

“Heavenly… But San, I have a question.”

“Yeah?”

You both leaned away from each other so you could see your faces as you conversed. You unconsciously rubbed your knee against his dick, causing him to flinch and pull away from you a little bit more; you couldn’t help but giggle at his reaction.

“Why?” You asked him your question.

“Why what?”

“Why did you sleep with me?”

“Because I wanted to,” San said matter-of-factly.

“But why me?”

San let out a light exhale. His fingers brushed past your ear as he cupped your face gently and brought your face the slightest bit closer to him.

“I thought you were cute from the moment I first saw you last year, Y/N. Then, I thought you were incredibly sexy the second I saw your body.”

“You’re lying,” you said with a scoff.

“No, I’m not. Every session is always difficult for me because I always wanted to do unspeakable things to you. You know, I don’t do skin-to-skin contact with any of my other clients. Only you.”

You went silent upon hearing this confession from him. You felt your heart rate go up the tiniest bit while you asked quietly, “You really like me that much?”

“Yes, I really like you that much, Y/N.”

“So then why now of all times?”

“I finally broke today because, like you said, it’s our one year anniversary. Happy anniversary,” San stated simply as if the two of you were celebrating a romantic anniversary.

He kissed the top of your head and hugged you closer, his bare skin making yours feel fiery hot. You also felt him get incredibly turned on as his waist pressed into yours, his hips rotating slightly as he pushed himself closer to you.

“Let’s go again,” you told him, your lips right at his ear, causing him to shiver.

San pulled you on top of him in an instant, your knees on either side of his waist. He had a breathtaking smile on his face before and after you left a sweet kiss on his lips that made your heart flutter even more. He held your waist as he nodded and said, “Again.”

[theaspen]

summary : Jay seems to keep appearing in your alternate nightmares. He acts as your night in shining armor, always helping you in your sleep. But when you try to stop the nightmares altogether he doesn't like it.

Genre : Thriller, angst.

pairing : Jay x you

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of blood, death and suicide. If you are sensitive to these subjects please don't read!!

___________________________________________

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

____________________________________________

Authors note: It's honestly SO embarrassing that I'm posting this now LMAOAOAOA.

Uhm. I'm sorry. I hope you guys enjoy and leave some nice comments or feedback or anything tbh. And send me an ask, or comment below to be added to the tag list.

____________________________________________

Are you sure?” My uncle asks sceptically.

“Yes I'm sure.” I tell him firmly. 

This is the 10th time he's asked me this question today alone. What's a therapist gonna do? Besides, I'm sick of him pretending to care. 

“Uncle, I'm not really sure why you're so insistent on this. Is it because the press is outside? They want to interview you?”

It's a sharp dig at him and I know it. He's never cared about his own brother, never visited.

He scowls at me, “Careful, might I have to remind you that it isn't your father that's taking care of you, putting you in the best room with the best doctors.”

I glare at him as he walks away from the room. Well atleast the pathetic nice act is gone. 

Kyungsoo enters my room soon again, throwing a careful glance at my uncle. He was a big shot after all. With his more than successful firm.

“You good?” He asks.

“Yeah, um I think I'll just go for a walk.” I tell him rather shortly.

“Sure.” He says quietly, probably assuming I had an argument.

But truth be told, I'm avoiding him. I'm getting attached to someone who's just tolerating me for their job. It's not his fault I know but I can't get attached to those who won't stay once I'm up and gone. 

My mind goes to Jay for a tiny second. Hm. Maybe I should talk to a therapist. The dreams stopped for two days and usually I would be overjoyed at the idea of not just one but two full nights rest.

But I woke up feeling uneasy, I made a promise to Jay, someone who exists only in my head. But I made a promise nevertheless. 

There are so many things I want to ask him, so many. 

Why do I have no dreams? Why is it that I only ever have a blackout or nightmares?

Why is he saving me? 

I know I shouldn't, but my curiosity has gotten the better of me. I look down at my fisted hands and open them. There are two sleeping pills, I stole it from a nurse's bag when she wasn't looking. 

Sleeping pills and I aren't the best of friends. Sure they help me not have a meltdown from not being able to sleep for almost 20 hours but they also give me the worst types of nightmares.   Which right now happens to be something that I need. 

“Goodnight.”Kyungsoo tries to smile at me.

I meekly smile back , eager to down the pills and meet the one person who actually wants me to stay.

_________________________________________

The pills go down my throat ten minutes later. The small light creates a shadow of me in front.  The shadows shift, turning and twisting and I watch fascinated as they give a performance for me. 

I'm not afraid, a part of my brain thinks. What are the shadows going to do? They've been with me forever. Taunting me, trying to manipulate me. I've never given into any of their tricks. I've never trusted them. 

But when I'm all alone now, in a tiny closet peeking out from the hole and watching the shadows linger my heart picks up its beat. 

They come and they disappear again and again. I look through the tiny peep the closet gives and realise soon as they go behind every nook and creek that they are looking for none other than me. 

 

My hands reach out to clasp my mouth shut. My body folds itself as small as it can possibly go. Will the shadows think to look here too?

I shut my eyes forcefully. My other senses heightened until I could feel everything around me. The musty smell of the closet, my fingernails digging into themselves.  My feet numb, paralyzed. 

My breathing becomes slower, my arms start to unclench. I think they're gone. I think I can get out now. Escape to a place where they can't catch me. 

Before I know it, before I can even pull my hands away from myself. There's a strange hiss that comes inches away from me. A hand grabs my ankle and pulls me hard enough that I don't have time to scream. 

My head bangs against the hard wooden doors as I'm being pulled away. The impact is so hard that I can only clutch my head and groan as the hands keep pulling me away, dragging me on the rough wooden floors.

The splinters catch on clothes and skin. My chin is bleeding, but I can't even stop. Can't even catch a hold of myself as I try to catch myself breathlessly.  

There's a sharp turn to the right, and that's when I know that the shadows aren't just pulling me along aimlessly , they have a destination in mind. 

My eyes scan around desperately trying to catch hold of something to stop. 

Just then, a hand- a solid, real and warm hand catches me. A sudden stop to the journey. 

I know who it is before I can even look up. I clasp my hands with his. The shadows aren't pleased, they hiss and linger around My ankles. 

But when his hand keeps tugging me in, the shadows start to dissolve, materialise into nothing, losing their power. 

Jay's hands pull me again, even when the shadows disappear, he doesn't let go and I don't either.

When I gain a little strength into my limbs I finally pull away from the embrace. I look into his eyes, they are wide and scared, maybe even more than mine.

“Thank yo-”

“Why didn't you come?? You made a promise and you leave me all alone here?!” Jay yells angrily.

I pull away completely.  I was happy to finally see him again, but seeing his bloodshot face. The look of absolute rage in his eyes makes me stop. Brings the familiar uneasy feeling back into my stomach. 

“I'm sorry.” I mumble.

Jay looks at my crestfallen face, and immediately his face softens. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you. I was just scared you left forever.” He says softly, “You're hurt a lot this time. Come here, let's clean you up.” 

He rips off a piece of his sleeves and starts dabbing it on my wounds.

His reassuring words don't chase away the moths in my stomach. 

“Jay..do you think I should see a therapist?”

Jay frowns at my words, “A therapist? What's that?” He asks curiously. 

“Umm. It's someone who helps you with your problems, like stress, anxiety…nightmares.”

Jay stiffens upon that. His hand paused on my chin. 

“But why…? I can save you. I save you every time.”

I shake my head,

“I can save you again, you won't even have to get hurt next time. Just trust me. That's all you need to do!”

I take his hands in mine, his eyes are trembling, 

“What happens when you can't?”

“..what”

“What happens when one day you can't save me? I can wake up, but what about you? What if something happens to you instead?” 

He shakes his head intently, “I don't care, I only exist because of you. If you're gone, then I'm alone again, I have no purpose.”

I stay silent at that, avoiding his eyes. 

The world around me seems to shift again, faster than it did before. 

“I think I'm waking up now.”

“Yeah.”

“Can't you…can't you appear in my dreams too? Not just nightmares?”

“I don't know.”

I can feel my resolve slipping at the sight of his tired face. He looks my age, but at this moment his face seems to have gone through a millenia worth of sadness. 

“I'll come back okay?” 

Jay just nodded. His fingers slip away from mine as he watches me disappear again. I never stay for long. He wonders whether it's because I can't or I don't want to. 

Jay fidgets with his fingers even after I'm gone. 

He thinks long and hard about how he could make me stay. Every time I've left, it's only because he saved me.

What happens when he makes me believe that she can't escape the nightmare anymore? 

________________________________________

Taglist : @sunjaylove @ryejigyu @keikeu

@excusemeimquirky @lollllllliiiiiiiiiiiipop

[steviesbicrisis]

Stranger Things S2 rewatch thoughts

I finally finished rewatching S2 and this is everything I've written down as I was watching lmao

KEITH USED TO WORK AT THE ARCADE?? Also the arcade is right next to family video so Keith just moved next door in season 3 lmao

Steve omg you’re so cute stop

FINALLY MAX IS HERE

Okay Billie is bad, yes? We all agree Billie is bad, right? But Dacre IS SO HOT I CANNOT HE TOOK A “PORCA TROIA” OUT OF ME LIKE IT WAS NOTHING

Honestly they’re so dope for dressing up as ghostbusters and going to school with matching outfits

Ugh Nancy and Steve are so terrible for each other

Steve’s face during the bullshit scene really broke my heart 🥺

People being annoyed at Joyce for being super protective of Will like what?? That boy was proclaimed dead, they had a funeral and he turned out to be in another dimension??? I dare you to not be at least a little paranoid

I’m getting the gayest vibes ever from this basketball + shower scene I’m not even joking, Harrington 100% felt what it is like to be a girl objectified in a nightclub

Billy calling Steve pretty boy is so fucked up like are you Eddie Munson? No so imma need you to back off ✋

Jfc no wonder Vecna chose max she’s a walking gold mine for therapists

One drive with Billy would be enough for me to become a target for Vecna I swear

A part of me will always blame Dustin for the cat’s death 🥲

Stranger things is so good I cannot fucking believe my eyes sometimes

First Nancy, now Hopper… can they like, stop going inside creepy ass portals all by themselves? FFS

OH MY GOD ERICA WAS SO SMALL HOW CUTE SINDFKJDF

Lucas telling Max “if I tell you the truth, you could be arrested or killed. Do you accept the risk?” Hits different now

FINALLY THE DUSTIN/STEVE DUO IS BORN

I was today years old when I realized Nancy broke up with Steve in S1 for a month but then she got back with him because she got tired of waiting for Jonathan

Dustin’s proud smile when Steve told him “good call dude” I CANT IM WEEK IM CRYING ON THE FLOOR

I will never get over Dustin’s pure adoration for Steve in this season

JUSTICE FOR BOB

BOB NEWBY THE SUPERHERO 😭😭😭

Everyone: it’s like the mind flyer! Steve&Max: don’t speak nerd in my presence pls

I’m sorry but Mike holding that small trophy as a weapon LOL

I CANNOT BELIEVE THE KIDS WERE AT THE WINDOW WHEN BILLY CAME ARE STUPID

I cannot believe they wanted to leave a beaten-up and concussed Steve behind, are you crazy???

I totally forgot that Steve, in a span of a couple of hours, pushed his girlfriend to be with another guy, got beaten up defending kids he barely knows and then went down - all beaten up and concussed - the upside down tunnels just for said kids?? ARE U EVEN REAL MAN?

Will turning to Mike when that girl asked him to dance 🥺

Nancy is so fucking right, those girls are so stupid turning Dustin down like fuck you who do you think you are????

Jopper at the end, I love my parents so much

Here my thoughts on S1!

[angelisgonnastartchangingurls]

sam

sam came in with another dumb grin on his face, and told annie that he'd gone over to his sister's place a few days ago and that she'd been in just a robe. he said they sat on the couch to chat and have tea and he could see a good portion of her bush. he said after a minute he pointed it out, and she'd opened her legs to look down at her self and had basically flashed her entire pussy at him. and he went "whoa" and she said, "nothing you haven't seen before," and he said, "that's true," and he said, "do you like that, that you don't feel like you have to cover up for me?" and she said, "yeah it is kind of nice," and took her robe off. and they sat there and visited and had tea while she just sat naked on her couch. annie asked him why he didn't pull out his dick and he laughed and said, "maybe when she comes to my house or something."

then he told annie that he had honestly really enjoyed the conversation they'd had, and that her nudity had helped him be honest and forthright with her and made him feel like he could trust her more.

so annie took off her shirt.

"uh," sam said.

annie unhooked her bra and took it off. "well, you said this makes you feel more honest and forthright, right? so it's probably good for therapy."

"you have amazing tits," he said. "sorry."

"it's fine, i know," annie said.

he looked at her pants, expectantly. annie hadn't planned to take the rest off, but fuck it. she stood up, unhooked her pants, and pulled them and her panties down, and sat back down in her chair on her knees so he could see her bush.

"can i get naked too?" he said.

"of course," annie said.

he stripped down quickly. he had a big dick, which was moderately hard. he gestured apologetically at it.

"it's fine," annie said. "i don't mind."

and then they talked. they talked about his connection to his sister vs. his connection with his parents. they talked about what his sister seemed to have in life and what parts of it he wanted and what parts repelled him. and then their hour was up, which annie demonstrated by pulling her pants and panties back on.

"you're like, very radical in your approach," he said. "i love it."

annie felt pretty proud of herself that evening, and stopped for a solo cocktail and chatted with her father on the phone.

"have you ever fucked a patient?" she asked him. "be honest."

"yeah," he said. "a few of them."

"what were they like?"

"younger women," he said. "when you kids were little and your mom wasn't fucking me that often."

"how young?"

"18, 19."

"hot," annie said.

"it really was."

"did you do them in your office?"

"sometimes. sometimes i went back to their apartments."

"did you continue on as their therapist?"

"yes," he said. "why are you screwing another patient?"

"no," she said. "i got naked for one today."

"why?" he asked.

"a show of intimacy."

"is that why you're always naked around me?"

"yes, plus i'm just hungry for your approval in all ways. including your sexual approval."

"well, I'm not sure how i'd grant you that."

"i could suck you off."

he laughed. "you would, wouldn't you?"

"of course," she said.

"well, you're a very loyal woman. i like that. i don't need you to do that to me but i'm happy to help you feel more approved of in other ways."

"you should touch me more often," annie said. "just more physical affection in general. i think that would fix me, emotionally."

"okay," he said. "i will keep that in mind."

and he did seem to. the next time he visited annie, both in her apartment and in public he put his hands on her a lot. the small of her back, her ass, her hand, her wrist, her face. after he left, annie eagerly fucked robbie's brains out.

that evening, still buzzing and horny, she went to dinner with richard. lately she'd been meeting him at his office for "sessions" which she was no longer even charging him for. they were visits, social calls, really, and they'd sit in his office and chat for an hour or more.

tonight, after a lovely, boozy dinner, they went back to richard's apartment and had a very wild fuck. richard drunkenly told annie he wanted to fuck a baby into her, and she begged him to cum inside her, which he did.

"would you really want to get me pregnant?" annie asked him after.

"well, i don't want more children. but i do think you'd look very sexy pregnant," he said.

"i agree," she said. "you know who else would look good pregnant? sophie."

"i am not ready to be a grandfather, but i agree," he said. instinctively, he started playing with annie's pubic hair. "my two hairy women."

"how is sophie's bush looking these days?"

"not sure," he said. "you can ask her."

annie called sophie on facetime. it was 7am in france, and she answered from her bed.

"morning," she said. "what are you two up to?"

"just having a nice evening," annie said. "i was asking your dad about your bush and he said he didn't know how it looked lately."

"oh, i have been remiss," she said. she turned her phone camera to the other side and moved her blankets and pulled her panties down. annie and richard looked at her full mound of dark pubic hair. "very full right now."

"gorgeous" annie said.

"and you?" sophie asked.

annie turned the camera around and moved the blankets, giving sophie a view of her bush and of richard's cock. annie instinctively began to stroke richard with her free hand.

"ooh, are you gonna make him cum for me?" sophie asked. richard chuckled.

"of course," annie said. she handed richard the phone and went down on him.

"well, this is new," richard said, holding the phone-- annie gathered that sophie had reversed the camera again so her father could see her face, but she could see his cock in annie's mouth, because he said, "it's nice to see your face."

"it's nice to see your cock being taken care of," sophie said. "plus you don't want to see what i'm doing now."

richard was very hard. annie was doing her most visually appealing work for sophie, licking his shaft, sucking his balls, spitting on him.

"annie you are so fucking good," sophie said, loudly so annie could hear. then she said, quieter, "are you gonna cum for me, daddy?"

when richard started to shoot his cum on annie's tongue, she moved her mouth to show as much of it as she could. she spit his cum back onto his shaft and then licked it up, and then repeated the process.

"oh god!" sophie gasped. "fuck!"

richard turned the phone to show annie that sophie had reversed the camera again and was showing herself frantically rubbing her clit.

"daddy?" sophie called.

"yes honey," he said softly.

"i'm fucking cumming."

"good girl," he told her.

"oh my GOD," she said. her phone dropped into her bed for a moment. they could hear her breathing. "that was the best orgasm i have had since i got back," she said.

a few days later when annie saw richard again, he told her that sophie had called twice now to do a repeat performance for him. not asking to see anything, just asking if he'd watch her jerk off.

"how do you like it?" she asked.

"it makes me feel very powerful," he said. "but also, my god does her pussy look like her mother's."

[ice-block]

Idk if anyone is interested but I thought I’d put it out there because the other day I was talking w my therapist and she said when people have a negative experience with something they’re WAY more likely to tell everyone they know and when they have a good or neutral experience they don’t think much of it SO I’d like to put something positive out there for anyone who might be in the position I was in.

So anyway here’s my experience getting my first pap smear, as someone with an INSANE amount of anxiety about it:

I try to keep some less than pleasant personal stuff off this blog but I’ve got a decently sized medical phobia, general mistrust of gynecology after reading too many horror stories, and some weirdness about gender/sexuality/body (???) I don’t entirely understand myself. I also understand that maintaining personal health is important even if it’s scary so when my doctor told me it was time to make an appointment with a gynecologist, I did it, then spent the next 3 weeks having nightmares, anxiety attacks, and experiencing a general sense of impending doom as the appointment approached.

Things my therapist and I talked about before hand included:

1.) save your stress for the future, if it goes good, great! If it goes poorly, you’re allowed to be stressed then . Don’t make yourself suffer unless you need to.

2.) know what accommodations you want and be prepared to ask for them confidently and clearly. I wanted the smallest speculum, a warning BEFORE any and all touching, and to be able to stop at any moment.

The appointment eventually did arrive and while I was still a ball of nerves I got myself there and obediently went through the steps of registering as a patient and remaining sane in the waiting room, I was called to the back (if you have a support person you want to bring with you you can but I went alone) and chatted with the nurse about health history etc, this pretty much resembled your standard doctors appointment, they take your heart rate, BP, etc. the nurse wrapped up and told me the doctor would be in in a minute, I should undress from the waist down, and showed me a cloth (which was basically a really big napkin) I could cover my lap with. I definitely went pale at this and if my high blood pressure didn’t tip her off she definitely knew I was internally freaking out. She offered to have the doctor come in first if that would make me more comfortable and I declined.

I was left alone to undress, it feels really weird to take off your pants in an office with fluorescent lighting, after a minute the doctor knocked then came in (there’s also a curtain in front of the door so nobody walking past can just see you pants-less) she was a very kind woman who asked me some questions about it being my first time, at this point I was prepared to say my demands but I was very shocked when she beat me to it! She outright offered the smallest speculum and said “I’m going to show you the tools, we’ll talk through the procedure, and we’ll decide if a Pap smear is something we want to do today” which made me instantly feel so much better. My other surprise was how SMALL the smallest speculum was! It was about the size of my pointer finger. If it had been larger I honestly don’t know if I could have done the procedure but once I realized it was tiny I knew it’d be ok. (Also side note: it feels really weird to talk with someone while pants-less and holding a big napkin over your crotch)

I was instructed to lay on the exam table, which was really low to the ground when I got on it then raised up like a dentists chair, the little foot holds popped out from underneath it and I was instructed to put my feet in the holds and scoot all the way to the edge, I kept looking at the doctor through this and was told that during the exam I would have to look up at the ceiling. She warned me before even the slightest touch (“I’m going to put my hand on your thigh now”) asked if I was ready, when I said yes she inserted the speculum, which felt weird but not painful, it didn’t even feel painful when it opened. Just strange. Then the doctor took a cell scraping which felt REALLY weird for a part of the body not used to that sensation at all. It felt scratchy and then for a brief second their was a bit of pain (I’d rate like a 3 out of 10) and I thought “if this lasts any longer I can’t do this” but it was really only a split second and the worst moment was also the end. The speculum was quickly removed making the Pap smear a total of like 30 seconds max. Then the doctor told me she would check my uterus and ovaries and (still maintaining consent and giving warning) inserted a finger and pressed with her other hand hard on my stomach, this didn’t hurt either and the pressure/rubbing on my stomach made it so I wasn’t thinking about her other hand at all! Then I was allowed to sit up again, close my legs, the doctor asked if I had any questions and I was out of there!

Anyway hopefully this can help someone out there I tried to include all the details I had wanted while doing frantic research before hand, if you’re in the same boat, you can do this!

[sentimentalmachine]

very sad and very upset my physical therapist is having a medical emergency and may not be able to come back to work i'm really worried and scared for her after working together for months i've grown fond of and attached to her and she's the only one whose been able to help me in the least bit. we've finally been making a little progress. i'm definitely a bit stronger than i was when i started, i've managed to gain a bit of weight and i don't get quite as sick as i used to. but i still have a long way to go and we still had so much we were working going to work on. a few weeks ago at my re-evaluation she said she was never letting me go because i need so much help and she likes working with me so she was going to keep me for as long as the charity would let me and as long as i wanted to keep coming. i've been working harder than i ever have in my life, i've never been good at sticking to things, especially when they are hard and painful, but with the help and encouragement i was getting i've kept at it all this time, and i've probably only made about 25% improvement after 6 months but that's still more than i've ever made before. and i feel so selfish because i went in there every week complaining about my silly pain and discomfort while she was having something even worse brewing and never let on. and i know that's part of her job to be told what's going wrong with each person each time they come but i can't help but feel i complained too much about my own problems and made too big a deal about everything. and honestly i knew one day i would have to stop going and i'd never see her again but i thought that would be when i was discharged and i'd know it was happening and i was sad to think about even that scenario but it's so much worse having that possibility suddenly thrown on me with those circumstances. when i went last week everything seemed fine and she wanted to try to get me an extra visit in after what was going to be a difficult/painful medical test for me, and when she didn't call i assumed it was because there were no cancelations. i never thought for a moment it would be because she was in the hospital. i found out when i went to pt today. i was scheduled with the other pt that i see sometimes there and she told me all about it. now i don't know what's going to happen with my care. no one else knows my exact problems and needs like she did, she was able to adapt things in precise ways that worked my unique needs. this honestly makes me just want to give up, i don't want to be placed with another pt. i was already comfortable with her and it's very hard for me to get comfortable with people but she has such a friendly, caring and welcoming personality. she makes everyone who goes there feel like they are getting best care tailored just to them. i don't think i can get that with anyone else there, i've been going long enough and observed enough to recognize that. but i also know she wouldn't want me to give, she didn't work with me so hard all this time for me to just let it all go. but i feel so devastated and crushed i just want to curl up and cry and never move again. maybe i just need to give it a few days and let myself feel bad and then try to pick myself up and get back to it. idk. i just needed to let things out. i don't talk about much of anything anymore but this just shook me to my core and i have to talk about it. i just really hope no matter what she'll be ok, even if we can't work together again i just want her to be ok.

[tendercherie]

Babes I'm so confused. Idk what to do.

My sister is trying to set me up with this dude from her work. At first I said no. I'm terrifed of romanic relationships. I've never even kissed anyone. I've only been on one date, which went horrible. She got our Mom involved and Mom's been encouraging me to give him a chance. Ik my family just wants me to be happy. And also I have v bad mental health problems. So ik they'd like if I had someone else who would help "take care" of me and support me if anything were to happen to them. I talked to my therapist about this. She suggested I give him a chance. That it will be good for me and help me work on my anxiety. And she reminded me if I don't like him I don't ever have to see/talk to him again. Amy (my therapist) also encouraged me bc I think I'll ruin his life if things were to work out between us. She said that's thinking WAY to far ahead. I should just worry about texting with him first and seeing if we get along. And she reminded me that him and I could always just be friends. So I told my sister I'd give him a chance. She said okay. She told him about me. Idk what that means. The only things I can think that she'd tell him are all my red flags. She also said she showed him a full body photo of me. There are v few of those bc I'm v fat and do not like my body. She said his response to seeing the photo was "personality is more important then looks." Which makes me think he doesn't find me attractive. So my sister gave him my number. It's been 6 days. He has not messaged me. I'm fucking stressed tf out. I'm so anxious waiting for him to message me. It's driving me crazy. I've asked my sister to ask him why he hasn't messaged yet. His response was that he's been busy with work and he doesn't use his phone at work. And he gets out of work REALLY late. Like 11:30pm. He told my sister he did think of texting me after work the other night but he said that I shouldn't be texting someone I don't know that late. I keep asking my sister if she sees him at work and she gets mad at me. Today I asked if she could find out if he's ever gonna message me. She yelled at me. Saying I'm "clingy" and I haven't even met him yet. And that I can't blame it on my BPD bc I can "control it." I just - Idk what to do at this point. I'm overthinking everything. I'm anxious every time my phone dings. I'm afraid to take a nap or go to the store in fear that he'll message me and I'll take to long to answer and then he'll get mad and not want to talk to me anymore. I'm trying so hard to be "normal" about this. But everything about this situation stresses me out. I just wanna cry. I've had a shit month on top of that. My friend Sarah tells me to just try to not worry and be excited about getting to know him. But what if he just took my number to be nice to my sister? Idk what to do. How long do I wait for him? Do I wait for him? What should I do?

Honestly, my love, it does not seem like you’re ready to dip your toes in romantic waters…

By forcing you to be open to being set up with someone, your sister is just setting you up for failure, no matter how pure her intentions are.

My best advice is to try to clear your mind of the situation and your anxiety surrounding it by staying busying with things that make you feel happy, fulfilled and at peace. If you hear from him, great! If not, you shouldn’t spiral because you have no idea if he was in the right mindset to date either.

[kindheart525]

Snowcone really did not want to do this. She was aware she needed help but something about this seemed...fishy. After all, how qualified could Aura be? She’d do it for her mom though; Gaia knows that mare would die if she didn’t. 

So Snowcone laid there and stared up at Aura, looking right through her.

Aura stared back at her with a bright smile, a notebook and pen poised in her talons, ready to write down every little thing Snowcone would say in permanent ink.

“We already know each other through Eclipse so feel free to think of this as talking to a friend or family member if that makes it easier! This is a place to relax and let it all out, and it’s all confidential so I won’t tell anyone. What’s on your mind today?”

Almost immediately Snowcone settled her head on her hooves and chipped out with the matter-of-factness of a morning coffee conversation, 

"Oh you know, not much…they tried a lobotomy before a therapist."

She snickered as if this was the funniest joke in the world, barely able to get it out.

Aura’s face scrunched up like she’d bitten into something sour as she scribbled on her notepad.

“Okay. You like dark humor. Got it. Moving on...”

She plastered her usual cheery, nurturing expression back on her face.

“Your parents told me you’ve been more emotionally reactive lately. Quick to anger, crying more easily, and so on. But I want to know how this feels for you, not your parents. Would you mind running me through it?”

She placed a tissue box between them.

“Don’t worry, you can let yourself feel as much as you want.”

The ignoring of her joke genuinely irritated Snow. She kept her pose but put her hooves down, a clear discomfort in every word she spoke. 

"I feel like shit. It’s like someone else riding a rollercoaster for me and fucking everything up. I-"

She stopped as she kicked away the tissue box, a smile of her own growing on her face as she was reminded of the lemon’s sensitivity. 

"-I can’t forget the intrusive thoughts, but I’ve been dealing with it. No meds, no therapy, no psych ward, just raw dogging this mental illness the way Gaia intended."

Aura cocked an eyebrow in barely-concealed irritation at this.

“I really think this is not what Gaia intended. We’re not meant to live life feeling like we’re on a messed up rollercoaster. Intrusive thoughts aren’t something you should deal with without getting help. You could end up really hurting yourself.”

She shuddered and shook her head.

“How exactly do you ‘deal with it’?”

Snowcone rolled her eyes all the way into the back of her head, keeping them there for a second to get on Aura’s nerves. Who did she think she was? Snow wasn’t about to sit here and express herself the way AURA wanted. If that was what therapy was then she wanted no part in it! 

"Thank you captain obvious. I sit in my room and sleep, I hang out with ponies at the mall. I...uh...eat, cry, repeat."

“Alright then.”

Aura tapped her pen to her beak in deep thought for a moment.

“Have you tried meditating? It’s what I do with Eclipse and it’s done wonders for them. Studies show it has lots of benefits. It just might help you. What do you say to that?”

Snowcone smirked and thought for a moment. In reality she had tried it and it just didn’t work for her. Honestly and truthfully. 

She wasn’t going to let Aura know that though; the hippogriff mare wasn’t really doing that good of a job.

“I don’t know, it kind of interferes with my usual way. Overstimulating myself so that my brain doesn’t develop any depressing thoughts! I watch Neightflix in the shower, maybe one of these days it’ll fall in and electrocute me! Win win!”

The hippogriff set her notebook aside, closing her eyes and sucking in a sharp, exasperated breath.

“Okay, it was mildly funny the first time but this dark humor needs to stop. Desensitizing yourself with jokes does nothing but normalize thoughts that should never be tolerated. It keeps you from being vulnerable and honest with yourself, it hinders any progress you want to make. Crack a joke in the wrong place and you’ll be institutionalized. Do you want that?”

Snowcone sat up and turned away slightly, wanting to set some distance between the two of them. Her wall dropped and she began to tear up the longer the little rant went on, but her expression didn’t seem sad at all. 

It seemed enraged. 

Her hooves were held over her chest as if Aura had broken an heirloom. Who would say something like that to someone like this?

"I am being vulnerable! What part of this seemed faked or dishonest? If you’ve come here to threaten me then I don’t want anything to do with you! Do me a favor and kick rocks!" 

And just like that Snowcone went storming out.

~~~~~~~~~~

Previous: Advice Next: Yolk On Her Face

Collaboration with @gelidponies

Background by tamalesyatole

[marcelinesghost13]

Okay blog definitely got a lot of stuff to talk about I got to get it out of my head.

Well we're going to start off with my dad first. So I had to go see a lawyer today to get guardianship of him. Definitely got some answers about how that process works and what's going to happen with it. He's definitely in need of it simply just because of him being so sick right now. It's definitely going to cost a pretty penny something that I don't have any money for but I'm going to have to figure out a way to make that happen. He definitely needs someone to take care of him and make sure that he's okay cuz he's not well at all.

Then on top of that he's in the rehab center right now and he's driving everybody crazy including me. He will call me up to six times a day and we'll have the same conversation. I really sucks seeing my dad like this he was an absolutely brilliant man and now he's just kind of not all there anymore and it's just kind of sad to see him like that. I know he's going to be at this place till he probably passes away because his health is just complete fucking shit. That's totally sucks also and I hate seeing him so sick. Plus he's not eating at all lately and that makes me really fucking nervous. But I have been calling him once a day or at least visiting him when I can which makes this day you know that much better which makes me happy.

As far as my wife goes she had a complete fucking anxiety meltdown today. She let me know that she absolutely hates me today. Through a couple punches when we were in the car and broke some stuff in the car too unfortunately. She's beyond angry and pissed off simply because of me going through this transition that I'm going through. She thinks it's a betrayal of trust. Because I never told her about it till now. And the reason why I never told her is simply because I was afraid I was going to get this reaction. She's very old school and believes that men should be men and women should be women and the whole trans thing is just a bunch of bullshit. She thinks I'm basically playing games with her and I'm not I'm just becoming who I need to be who I want to be. But she feels like I've completely abandoned her and that I've never been around. Hearing those words really do hurt cuz I've done everything and anything I can do to make sure that she's okay and safe. She does have abandonment issues in a couple other mental conditions which I've talked about before. I can see her getting sicker and sicker and she doesn't see it though. Her skin has been this really weird white color and you can see your veins now. A lot of things trigger her lately just everything and anything. And I'm trying to do as much as I can possibly do to make sure that she's okay. I don't hate her like she thinks I do but she definitely let me know today that she does hate me. She's told me that before though hearing those words they hurt but I know she's not right in the head and that's why she says what she says.

As far as me going I am just moving along doing what I need to do in order to keep my two loved ones you know okay and safe. I'm honestly beyond exhausted. I've been trying to find a therapist but I haven't been able to find one yet. I definitely think that is something that would help me. But I'm not too sure how. Hopefully at some point I'll figure something out. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts lately either which is a good thing. Usually after a really big fight with my wife I get massively depressed and sometimes become suicidal. But that hasn't happened so that's a good thing. All I can do is keep moving forward and try to stay as positive as possible especially since things are so negative right now. Yeah just keep moving forward.

082920241536

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Hey, so I have a situation going on (TW for extensive discussion of ED):

So I'm in recovery but sometimes I still relapse, especially during the fall and winter months, idk why but those are just the worst for me in terms of ED. My roommate and acquaintance knows that I've been battling ED for most of my life and before I moved in with her and other flatmates, I told everyone that I am in recovery and that I need them not to comment on my food (be it choices that seem disordered but are actually improvements to my previous situation, or idk my portion sizes for example).

Despite that, this roommate, who is currently going through an eating disorder and is in therapy for it, keeps commenting on my food. She keeps judging how much I eat, keeps asking me questions about why I eat what I eat (eg. Sometimes there are days when I just won't eat something I haven't made. I just can't. And she'll just keep asking why. It's not malicious but she doesn't take the hint when I say "well you know...due to the problems" and essentially forces me to just outright say that I can't eat it because I don't have control over it and the ingredients, which is both a frankly embarrassing thing to say and most of the time she doesn't really get it either), and sometimes says things like "Idk how you eat like that and aren't fat lol" (which usually occurs when I have like...a slice of bread with jam or something, which is, mind you, also usually my only food of the day because I am too busy for my own good, and because my meds cause me not to have an appetite).

Worse than that, she vents about her ED problems to me constantly. I get that maybe she needs someone outside of therapy to talk about it with, but it makes me really close to relapsing every time. She'll come home and start saying things like "I weighed myself yesterday and lost another X kg" and "A guy ranted to me about how he wanted to lose weight, like duh he should be happy, he might need it for when he's like me, who hasn't eaten in 3 days." and "I've been so bad today but it's probably a good thing because the 4 days before that I didn't eat at all."

I don't know how to gently reaffirm my boundaries and tell her that it's affecting me really badly when she says such things to me. I don't want to be too firm or mean, and I understand that she's going through bad stuff, but I'm not in a place where I could listen to it without it fucking me up badly.

Honestly, I think you've given your roommate the benefit of the doubt for too long. She doesn't "forget" she's triggering you. She's subtly doing it on purpose. She doesn't "not pick up on" your hints about why you're uncomfortable. She's enjoying making you uncomfortable. I usually do not advise people to think in such a paranoid fashion, but I truly believe the writing is on the wall here. As someone who has given others the benefit of the doubt for too long and gotten hurt for it, I feel obligated to say this.

Anon, those of us who have eating disorders are often unwell in other ways. We often have trauma and difficult relationships and other issues. And we're often competitive in our eating disorders, which is a real risk. Many of us try to show off being the "sickest" or make it a game, sometimes. And you are ABSOLUTELY allowed to be too firm and "too mean" in defending your health. Her going through stuff does NOT justify her putting you through stuff, and that's a lesson all of us who have mental illness need to learn - both in regard to what we put up with, and what we may make others put up with.

So listen. A successful boundary is not a statement of "you can't do X." Attempting to control the behavior of others is useless. Instead, think of a boundary (and speak your boundaries) in terms of "if you do X, I will do Y to protect myself." And do be prepared to follow through on that consequence. As one of my favorite TikTok therapists once said, "a boundary without consequences for violating it isn't a boundary, it's more of a fancy request."

If you're stuck in the lease and don't have the option of moving away from this girl, here's what you can do to get by for now. Make a list of all the things she has done to trigger your ED, and make a list of responses that will be protective for you. Then, have a kind but firm talk with her about how she constantly triggers your ED and how you will be taking the following measures to take care of your mental health. Let her know you're not trying to be hurtful but for your protection, these are non-negotiable. Things like "If you continue to make comments about what is on my plate, I will take my plate and leave the room." or "If you continue to vent to me about your eating disorder, I will hang out with you less."

She may try to act the victim. Do not be swayed by this. No matter how she feels about this talk, nothing is worth sacrificing your mental health, and it is her own responsibility to learn to take care of her own mental health WITHOUT hurting others, as we all must learn to do. Tell her that you want for her to have someone to talk to about this, but that someone cannot be you. She has done this multiple times. This isn't a mistake at this point, and honestly, you're not doing her a favor by letting her go without learning how to hold herself accountable for respecting the boundaries of others. But more importantly, you're not doing yourself any favors by teaching yourself that it's okay to let others hurt you because they're having a hard time. Your hard times matter too, anon.

Best of luck in the roommate stuff and in making it through the winter.

[mad-hunts]

19.     entry made talking about a simple    /   normal day.

'dear diary' prompts...

[TRANSCRIPTION: so, i'd like to start this off by saying that i sometimes crave a sense of normalcy more than ever in my life... though i know that people might not expect something like that out of me. you know, because i seem so devoted to my work, i guess. but i have to say that after getting a taste of it today, it's probably when i'm at my happiest. me and jack had spent the day together, which is something we actually rarely get to do. he had told me about this crepe place that had opened up a little while ago and he seemed really eager to go there. so i invited jack to do that this morning and i swear, i hadn't seen him smile that big in a while. which did something funny to my heart.

and by that, i mean you know that feeling you get when you can't contain the love you have for someone? yeah that was pretty much what ended up happening to me; a fuzziness had hit me in the chest. but after we went there, and jack ate an impressive amount of crepes (he was really fond of the nutella and strawberry ones), my son suggested that we see this new movie that came out recently. and it was hard to pass up so of course i said yes. we snuck in some candy and drinks because, honestly, who wants to pay for the overpriced candy they have? not us so we did that and just like i expected... the theater was pretty packed since it was for the new hunger games movie. it was good though!

anyhow, after that, jack wanted to spend some time just hanging out by the water when he did something that surprised me. jack hugged me. and it was really nice, because i can't remember the last time my son gave me one like that. he went on to tell me that he missed 'this part of me.' this got me to thinking that, yeah, i have been treating him not so well for a while. so maybe i ought to change that. jack deserves to have a father who doesn't switch up on him every day, from being mean to being nice.

maybe i'll call my therapist back and tell her i want to start seeing her again. she might've said some things that i didn't like the last time, one of those being that i exhibit behaviors that are typical of sociopaths — but i guess i can make an exception for jack, because he's my little bug.

signed, barton. ]

[graciehart]

THE CONCERT.

(I'm just going to bullet point some of my favorite moments here in your ask instead of personally message you)

HER OUTFITS. SLAY, QUEEN!!!! 👑 The stripping of each piece was done so quickly yet effortlessly.

I was absolutely crying on the inside. 🥹🤧

I love how she told us a story that somehow correlated to the song before she sang. The way she transitioned into each song was done so smoothly.

Idina talking a little bit about mental health. Just another thing to add on my long list of why I love her. The way she transitioned into the topic, though, was clever. I don't know if she did the same for California, but for us, (if I'm remembering correctly) she first sang an up-tempo jazz song and then proceeded to discuss the topic.  I, too, have anxiety, you beautiful human being. I hope Idina is aware of how loved she is by many, because she is. ❤️ 

The story she told before she sang "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" was great. Speaking of that song, her cover of the song was AMAZING! (I tried snowboarding in 2021 and found out the hard way that I can't do it either! 🙂 So.. cheers to her and I for trying to be cool.)  

"No One Mourns The Wicked" - I had no idea what to think about it to be honest, but I love how she went hard with it to the point of headbanging. Gotta stan her for that, lmao. It's honestly not one of my favorite songs.

I never saw If/Then, but "You Learn to Live Without" is beautiful. I loved all of the slow, sentimental songs.

I love how she talked a little bit about her husband and son too

I need Idina to do more up-tempo jazz songs

THE FINALE. I don't know about you, but for us, after she sang a sentimental song (I forgot which one), she said, in a monotone voice, “Goodnight, everyone, thank you.” with a straight face and then walked off. Me: 😯🤨😕😶 I was very confused, because there was one specific song she didn't sing... As the audience kept cheering, I thought to myself, 'There is no way in hell she just did that. There is no absolute way she went through a whole concert without singing that song...!'

I DID NOT DRIVE 45 MINUTES FOR MY QUEEN™ TO NOT SING DE-

She came back to the stage with a robe on. I am so proud of myself for staying. 😮‍💨 Nobody was leaving, so that's when I realized "Defying Gravity" was the finale song. 🥹 I kind of figured it would be, but was that little stunt really necessary?? Lol, great acting, Idina, great acting. And GREAT JOB FOR ALMOST GIVING ME A HEART ATTACK!

Overall, this was an incredible concert. I'm honestly still speechless and processing everything, so I'm sure there's more that I will remember later today, but that's all I'll write for now. I am definitely going to New York next year for my birthday to see her new musical! This was a great way to end July!

Aaah this makes me so happy!! 🥹 The dress made me think of the one in the “Brave” music video. I think my favorite is when it’s the nude dress with the black ribbon around the waist. I had never heard “Twist It” (the mental health song), but it made me laugh so much! She briefly mentioned her husband being a therapist in the Oakland show, which I always enjoy because he and I have the same job/license lol. I love that she kept a little of “Dear Prudence” for “Do You Want to Build a Snowman.”

“No One Mourns the Wicked” was so surprising for me, but I loved it, and I loved that she used part of the San Francisco version! “You Learn to Live Without” is one of the earliest songs I was obsessed with for her (I think she started singing it on tour about a year after I started liking her?) and I was just hoping she sang it again, that was amazing for me. And yes, the whole encore thing haha! I know she did an encore in 2015 which is why I knew she wasn’t done (plus she hadn’t done defying gravity), but I still had that “wait, what” moment.

Thanks for updating me, I’m so glad you had a good time 🥰

[kamryn1963]

So Long, London- Chapter 11

Things did start looking up. Al decided to turn back to journaling, something a therapist he used to go to years ago, suggested. It had been a long time since Al did it but he forgot how much it helped. After writing down everything he remembered and felt about the Dennis Lee case and the blame he thought he held, Al began forgiving himself. 

It was a slow process but writing everything out helped and he was starting to feel better. He even started leaving the pocket knife at home and not bringing it with him to work everyday. 

Trudy was also doing better. She had ended up taking a week off and after that and after Nadia’s funeral, Al saw her start to heal and give herself time to grief before coming back to work.

Erin still wasn’t doing well and not back to work. He knew she handed Hank her badge and “quit” but Al also knew that she’d be back eventually. It would just take some time for her. They had talked a couple days ago on the phone, Al just wanting her to know he was there when she was ready. He was surprised but glad that Erin didn’t hang up on him right away and let him speak. 

Now he was on his way to meet Linda Sovana. Alvin had gotten that phone call the day before. That had been a surprise if he ever had one. He didn’t even know that Linda knew Al had been an undercover cop when they met, let alone his name and number. 

After the meeting he was left with more questions than answers. The meeting had lasted a whole ten minutes where Linda had been incredibly vague before leaving. Al stood there longer. He had taken the morning off work so he had three hours of time and a whole ton of questions. 

Al sighed and climbed back in his car. He could go into work now anyway, but Al had somewhere else he was going to try to go first to get his mind off this meeting with Linda and check in on his neice. It was about a twenty minute drive from where he was. 

When Al pulled up, he was glad to see Erin’s car was the only one in the driveway and he didn’t have to deal with Bunny today. 

Al was also glad to find the front door was unlocked. It was good for him but why did no one care about safety? 

Al let himself in finding Erin on the couch looking like she was nursing a pretty bad hangover as she looked up and met his eyes. 

“That’s called breaking and entering”. Erin said her words slightly slurred as Al perched on the edge of the armchair. 

“Don’t leave the front door unlocked than”. Al retorted as he looked her over. She looked as bad as she had sounded on the phone. 

“What are you doing here? Hank send you?” Erin asked once she realized Al wasn’t about to leave anytime soon. 

“I was in the area. I wanted to check on you, entirely on my own free will”. Al replied. 

“Well I don’t need checking on ''. Erin responded defensively as she stood up and stumbled to the kitchen. 

“Clearly”. Al scoffed. 

Erin didn’t reply, just rolled her eyes as she grabbed two mugs and started making a pot of coffee. 

“What were you doing in the area?” Erin asked after a couple minutes of silence. Al wasn’t just going to leave and at least this way he wouldn’t be questioning her. 

“Meeting somebody. A woman I met on an undercover assignment I was on, oh, fifteen years ago now”. Al replied as Erin came back in the room and handed him one of the mugs which he accepted with a nod of thanks. 

“She just randomly called you?” Erin questioned and Al understood why it sounded weird. It was weird to him. 

“Yeah. Didn’t tell me why either, was really vague”. 

“Do you think it’s anything bad?” Erin asked. Despite quitting her job, Erin had missed this. She just wasn’t ready to go back and see Nadia’s empty desk everyday. 

“I’m not sure, honestly. Probably, but if that was the case, wouldn’t she tell me instead of meeting up with me and not saying anything. All she really said was reminding me that she saved my ass, when I was undercover and told me to remember that”. Al said as he thought about the interaction. That part stuck out to him the most. 

“That’s not creepy at all”. Erin replied as she rolled her eyes and sipped her coffee. 

Al chuckled as he nodded and drank his own coffee. 

“Keep me updated?” Erin asked and Al could see the concern in his eyes. 

“Of course, kid”. 

Al ended up staying another hour until Erin said she was going to try to sleep for a bit, and Al decided to just head into work. Al hugged her before he left, making sure to tell Erin again that he was always there to talk. 

Work was fine, a regular case which was good because Al’s mind was occupied with his meeting with Linda. 

Four days later he had his answer. 

A week later he was driving to a cafe to meet with Michelle Sovana. The fifteen year old tennager that was apparently his daughter. 

Al understood what Linda meant when she said not to forget that she saved his cover all those years ago, Linda was going away so what better time than to spring the fact he has another daughter on him. 

Al tried not to think about that night. The night he slept with Linda. That supposed to be a few weeks undercover assignment, had turned into a year. This had happened near the end. Linda hadn’t lived in the same city as her cousin who Al was trying to take down for years, but moved back there in the eighth month of his assignment. 

Al’s Sergeant wanted him out as much as Al himself wanted out and told Al the best way to end this was for him to use Linda to get information. 

Al never wanted to do that, didn’t want to cheat on Meredith and ruin his marriage but he knew he didn’t have much of a choice. He either slept with Linda for the information, or his Sergeant made it pretty clear he wouldn’t have a job anymore. 

Al made a choice but he hated himself for it everyday. 

When he met Michelle, Al decided he might hate himself a little less now. 

Michelle was already there, huddled in a booth with a backpack. Al took a minute to just look her over. 

Trudy had joked before that his genes were strong when Lexi came out looking so much like him and little like Meredith, but he really saw it right now n Michelle who looked like a female version of him. . 

Al would probably do a paternity test later, he was almost positive he wasn’t the only man Linda was sleeping with back then, and he didn’t want to get anyones hopes up, but Al would be surprised if Michelle wasn’t his with how alike him she looked. 

Eventually Michelle seemed to spot him and Al took a deep breath before coming over and sitting across from her. Neither of them said anything until Michelle finally broke the silence looking at him. 

“You're Alvin right? My dad apparently”. Michelle asked and Al could see the various emotions in her eyes. 

“I am. And your Michelle”. Al replied as he started tapping his fingers on the table unsure what to say or do. 

“Look I just need some money and I won’t bother you again”. Michelle said after a few minutes of awkward silence. 

Al instantly shook his head but still reached for his wallet. “You're not bothering me, Michelle. Not at all”. Al responded as he grabbed out all the cash he had. Fifty dollars, and handed it to her. 

“Thanks”. Michelle responded as she solved it into her backpack and went to stand up. 

“Do you need a ride? I’m more than happy to take you somewhere”. Al offered. He wasn’t going to force Michelle to talk more but he wanted to know she was somewhere safe. Even if Michelle wasn’t his daughter, she was still a teenage girl with little family probably living on the streets. 

Michelle seemed to hesitate and was about to turn his offer down, but she nodded and Al was relieved as he smiled and gently led her to his car. 

“So you're a cop?” Michelle asked. They’d been driving for about ten minutes at this point. Al was focused on the address Michelle had given him of her cousin's house the place she had apparently been staying since getting out of juvie. It took a minute for Al to realize she was talking to him and when he did he looked over at her and his badge that was in the cup holder she had obviously noticed. 

“Yeah, twenty five years now”. Al replied. 

“How did you and my mom meet?” Michelle asked next and Al felt like he was being interrogated. Or like Hank and Trudy were talking to him. 

“I was undercover”. Al answered honestly as he pulled up at the house. He didn’t know how much details to give Michelle right now. How much did he tell a fifteen year old girl he just met. 

“Do you have other kids?” Michelle said next, not looking that bothered that they were at the house. 

“I do, Lexi, she’s eighteen”. Lexi had just turned eighteen a few weeks ago and graduated highschool in only three months. It was insane to Al and made him feel old. 

Michelle nodded digesting the information and went to ask another question when the front door of the house opened and a man probably in his early twenties, opened the door and looked at his car seemingly spotting Michelle and looked to be waiting for her. Al assumed this was her cousin and judging by the gang tattoos he was covered in, Al assumed he wasn’t the nicest guy around. 

“I should go”. Michelle said as she grabbed her bag and looked at Al. 

“Are you sure? I have an extra room in my apartment”. Al offered but Michelle just shook her head as she opened the car door. 

“I’ll be fine”. Michelle replied and Al nodded as he grabbed the pad of paper and pen he always had with him, and quickly wrote his number and address down. Al handed it to Michelle who stuffed it into his pocket with a grateful look. 

Michelle quickly got out and after she was inside, Al started the drive back home. He was ready to collapse in bed and try to figure out what to do. 

Al wondered what Erin would say about this. 

[furiousgoldfish]

Hi - isolated anon again.

What you said about cults really surprised me, but I realized that it did apply to some degree. I've always felt a lot of relatability to cult survivors, even though I never considered myself to be one and I never understood why.

I spent a while on the internet last night and learned about something called narcassitic family dysfuntion, which is when the family dysfuntion works like a cult around the narcassitic person, typically the parent.

Like it's not a cult in the traditional sense, but the same effects of a cult happen - the isolation, manipulation, self worth issues, the world revolving around the narcassit who can do no wrong, etc.

https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/08/05/10-rules-of-families-that-scapegoat/

^ here's an article I found that summarizes pretty much what all the others did really well. I'd never heard of this type of abuse before and I was really surprising.

You are right that Im an adult, 19, and for as long as I can remember my mom always says something like "oh it's not safe out there" when I ask to go somewhere by myself, or "I would feel more comfortable if I knew where you were going/ if you didn't go" and Im not allowed to go out at night, as, being female, Im apparently going to get kidnapped/assaulted. (Even though we live somewhere really safe) (and, honestly, getting kidnapped seems like a relief). Because all the isolation was framed for my safety, I never questioned it until I got older and I really started to feel the pull of wanting to Leave. My mom still uses that same excuse. That it's for safety that she needs to know where I am all the time and I have to text her any time I go somewhere to let her know I made it/when Im going home.

I tried to talk to my therapist about the isolation and how much it bothered me, but they just told me to push harder against my mom and like. That's not how this works. I cannot win one of these arguments. Like I never have. ever. It's so hard to describe just how all consuming this is. My mom always pulls out the guilt treatment when I want to go out and I feel like Rapunzel. I know it's not normal and I hate it. But it feels like the most mild thing that's going on at home. And to be clear, I can go outside onto the property, in the backyard, whenever, but that's kind of it. Also I didn't realize that being able to go anywhere whenever is a human right. That's.... Ah.

I apologize for this word vomit, I guess I'm just trying to process this in your ask box.

I guess I was also wondering if soon, if it's okay, you'd be willing to make a post about enmeshed families? I would find that really helpful.

Also - was it you who made the post about how to identify if you're being held captive by your parents, or was that someone else, I can't remember.

Thank you for answering my ask. It was really helpful. I do really sincerly hope you have a good day, but thank you for being willing to talk with us about abuse today. I always really appreciate your thoughts.

"and, honestly, getting kidnapped seems like a relief" THAT is relatable but also a red flag, so many kids feel this, being kidnapped would be something that is provable and generally accepted as a 'very bad thing to happen to you', and it would be a huge relief just to be able to point out the cause of your suffering, opposed to the abuse you're going thru right now, that feels invisible, unprovable.

Abusive parents love acting like letting their children out of the house is 'unsafe', but what it does is simply keep children imprisoned (or even adults, in your case). The way we keep protected in this world is not by staying in forever, because that's not a decent human life, and it's inhumane. We deal with this by teaching the kids how to recognize, identify and deal with the danger. Being female in public is not a problem if you are surrounded with a community of your own, if you have a network of people that you can, at anytime, ask for help, who can get you out of sticky situations, who can watch out for your back.

Generally what most people do is just make sure that their kids can recognize and sus out dangerous people, there are guidelines and rules set in place; you don't go alone in an alley with a person you don't know, if someone gives you a bad vibe, you go and hang around your friends where you are safe, you go home before it's late and people get drunk/violent, if necessary and if you visit very unsafe places, you could even be taught to use a weapon or self-defence, in order to keep safe.

And these rules are usually only necessary at night, at locations where predators are more likely to be, at bars, places people generally get drunk or try to get you drunk. You are hardly in danger going to the convenience store, to the bank, to the beach, to a tourist attraction, to any public place in general. You are unlikely to be kidnapped unless someone would have a great financial incentive to kidnap you at this point (if your parents were so rich they could give out a ransom), and if you're taught to recognize the signs of human trafficking and just be reasonably and rightfully wary of strangers and not give them your information or details, you'd generally be safe.

I've never been in anywhere close as much danger in public as I was at home. People are seen in public and they cannot do the illegal and criminal shit they can do behind closed doors, in their own houses. People in public have to watch out, they can't abuse you as easily, and often even won't recognize you as a target unless you seem inebriated and oblivious.

I can relate a little to the 'outside is dangerous' because one of my family members kept saying that to try and stop me from doing activities outside, but this family member had the least amount of influence, and it didn't stop me. I understand when a family member who has the most amount of influence does this to you, it's a completely different story, and you're effectively trapped. But what they're doing is lying to you. You're not being kept inside in order to be safe. You're not being taught how to spot and avoid danger, and that in itself, is more dangerous. It is, in fact, exactly like Rapunzel, and you're I think, the third person I know of, who recognized themselves in that situation.

I'd love to write more about enmeshed families, but the thing is, this is not an experience I had, and I cannot possibly understand or describe how it feels. I think Jenette McCurdy, in her book 'I'm glad my mom died', describes this way better than I possibly could, so i recommend that you read the book (contact me privately if you want me to send the book to you).

And I agree with you about your therapist not understanding the situation - going against the abuser, without the means to protect yourself, will inevitably end in them realizing they're losing control over you, and they will do something insane, drastic and extremely painful to put you back in order, but you already know that, because it's likely you've already been traumatized in this way and know what to expect. Your therapist doesn't seem to understand how dangerous it is to push against the abusers without any safety (ability to get away from them before they can retaliate).

I did make that post about recognizing if you're held captive, yeah! I'm glad it was helpful. And of course I'm here to talk about abuse. If something written here can help one person clear their mind and recognize their situation, that is huge for me.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Ritchie Herron

Published: May 23, 2024

Today is a day I can't really ignore, because whether I want to mark it or not, my body reminds me regardless.

Six years ago, conflicted, but optimistic, i thought I was doing the right thing getting 'Sex Reassignment surgery'.

A Long Story 🧵

I transitioned as an adult, I was 26. Me and my fully developed big brain thought this would be a good idea.

I had severe OCD and a myriad of mental health problems. I mean even then I be head tiltin'...This was me at age 25, pure giga chad

Soon as i found out transition was an option, I went in full force, like a bat out of hell!

I had become obsessed with the idea that my body was being poisoned by testosterone, that every masculine trait needed to be annihilated, for i was a true and honest woman after all. 

As a child, I was soft, loving, quite literal and I loved to sing, dance and dress up, but i also loved my diggers!

Me at age 10 before I went to sing karaoke with my friends family. You cant see it but my friends shoulder is on the right, he was a year younger too! I was tiny!

When I came out to my family, in isolation they all asked the same question when I told them I had something to tell them: "You're gay, aren't you?"

"No! I'm a real transsexual!" I said. Convinced I was the truest of the true. Genuinely born in the wrong body and all that noise. 

It was 2013 and I had found a supportive online community that helped me get on the right path to transition.

Facing a 15 month wait for the gender clinic. I found out I could start the blocker (And stop the 'poison'!) if i had two private diagnosis of transsexualism. 

So off I fucked to Scotland for a private diagnosis, as i waited to be enrolled for the gender clinic.

I was on a low income so I did the only thing i could, and got a payday loan. "Fuck debt, its this or death!" I reasoned.

Two days later I got the full diagnosis for £500. 

It took until April 2014 for the Gender Clinic to agree to give me the Goserelin Zoladex implant (testosterone blocker).

When I got it, I was so happy the poison was about to stop. At first, I looked a right state. I did the opposite of blend in. 

By January 2015, I was finally enrolled into the gender clinic and after a while, the blockers were showing some effect. Though, I wasn't committing to it at all.

I found myself desisting from the idea of estrogen/transition all together and just thought I'd live as just some androgynous looking guy.

It all changed when i went to the gender clinic. The very first question I got asked by the psychiatrist was: "have you given any thought to gender reassignment surgery?"

I said honestly, I wasn't sure, I dont think i ever had that type of dysphoria, besides i really want to see the therapist. 

They agreed to refer me to a gender therapist in March 2015. In total I would end up have 97 gender therapy sessions with them.

Gender therapy is not like normal therapy. It helped defeat my doubt, and also helped me defeat others who were doubtful. 

In July 2015, the Psychiatrist asked if i had given any further thought to the surgery.

I said I wasn't sure, and i'd like to find out more. Thats when i realised NONE of them had any technical knowledge about the surgery, what it does, etc. It suprised me. 

I got refered back to the place in Scotland, since I already went there for the pre-diagnosis.

I took my mother, she wasnt convinced.

The therapist told her, infront of her grown ass 28 year old son, if she didnt affirm, he'd kms. 

She told me the surgery would make myself feel better, and that regret was extremely low (I was worried about regretted it) and bleeding.

I have a huge fear of bleeding, I'm a wuss! yes... 

Once the surgery referal came through in late 2015, i panicked! Too quick i said!

"It'll be there for when your ready." The psychatrist said.

But all I really wanted was therapy. 

I said no several more times, I forgot exactly how many times they asked, but it was constant.

By 2016 early 2017, life was still chaos, but blending in felt easier, I wasn't getting noticed really and most people gendered me as a woman.

I was happy enough as I was, but back at the gender clinic in 2017 I was delivered an ultimatum. Accept surgery referral or get discharged.

That would also mean an end to the therapy, and it was keeping me stable.

I bit the bullet and said no once more. 

My gender therapist, also somewhat co-dependant on me as a client for now 60 odd sessions, didnt want to let me go either. He reasoned that i did have dysphoria and surgery was probably the best option.

So i called the psychiatrist back and asked to be refered back for surgery. 

I've went over it in my head 1000's of times.

Why did I go along with it? Why didn't just stop it?

It just felt like a ride i couldnt get off, and it got faster and faster.

Everyone was routing for me. 

Day of surgery, may 23rd 2018.

After staying an extra 3 hours in theatre, i finally woke up around this time. 4:00pm ish.

I was still bleeding and had lost nearly 2000ml from the surgery and drains.

A friend helped snap this.

I apologise for the haram photo, but this is what the area looked like a few weeks after.

I had Lichen Scoloris, which was ignored and is now inside the hole and around the entrance. I had a constricted urethra and both my scar lines on both sides split open, which would get infected.

I won't share anymore, but i have a lot of photos that are far more grim.

It's what happened I really can't show you.

The depression, the pain, the insane pain oh my god. Not being able to pee, to feel anything.

Feeling betrayed 

SO I GO BACK TO MY GENDER THERAPIST THREE MONTHS LATER....and i say "Hey, I think i made a mistake, i think i regret this."

"No you dont." He said.

I went back every other week and told him, i regret it. He said no. 

One year of this back and forth. I was refered to a psychiatric team, that said i didnt have regret, I had Unstable Personality Disorder and severe Obsessive compulsive Disorder.

And then I was discharged in January 2020.

It was the worst time in my life, those years. I was very angry at myself, and everyone I talked to reassured me that I didnt have regret and if i did, it was my fault anyway.

But I resisted...And in 2022 I spoke out after desisting 

I'm 37 as of Saturday... and I'm facing life ahead of me as a castrated male. It's not easy territory, but if i want one thing to come out of this, it's to give others a chance, a warning about surgery.

But i wont stop anyone. Just don't try and stop me.

If you would like to support my work, please consider liking/retweeting. I do it for free but will happily accept tips for sausage rolls.

Also consider checking out my substack where i write a lot of shit and youtube where i talk even more shit t.co/tQSunLfhVk tullipr.substack.com

I really needed to get that off my chest so thanks for reading. It's appreciated