#thats how fucking bored and unmotivated i am

[sk3l3t0n444]

.

[autisticbisexualemaskye]

OH also as u can tell i finished mythic quest. season three was... dissapointing. brad and his gaggle of autistic women were great as always and Sarian was an AMAZING episode, 10/10, no notes, but the season overall? ian was MIA and poppy just... didnt really work without him. dont get me wrong i love her and she has great dynamics with the rest of the cast but overall grimpop was a HUGE missed opportunity and making dana ian 2.0 was a poor choice. dont get me wrong, i was rooting for them to team up in season two, but thats because i thought ian could give her what she wanted, not because shes identical to ian. shes certainly not so up her own ass that she thinks "confidence" and "total disconnect from reality" are the same thing. ian? definitely. rachel? unconsciously. but dana? no fucking way. she never felt like she had a unique place in the grimpop team. minimizing the scenes with her and rachel i would have actually loved to see if it helped give both of them more depth and solo development since their romantic relationship was built up as their main character arcs from the start, but dana just took away from ian and poppy's dynamic and didnt get any development of her own until basically the very end.

now, dont get me wrong, AGAIN, it makes a lot of sense that ian doesnt want to work on poppy's game. hes egotistical and unmotivated and childish and self centred. but they seriously waited until the season fucking finale to work that out? a conflict between the two main characters that has one of them just... absent from the narrative? conflict is the core of poppy and ians relationship but if they don't have any scenes together the conflict becomes BORING. and they had the perfect opportunity to work it out! when hera failed. when the playtesters told her it was technically perfect, but not fun to play. ian makes fun games. ian is really good at making fun games. theyre supposed to be partners. why couldnt he have helped her with this? why couldnt this have been the moment where she realizes that, just like ian, she needs help creating her vision? that even though she can build things and have big ideas, she cant do everything all on her own all the time? instead she and dana throw her vision away to focus on a project she hates and thinks is bad. its total fucking bullshit and a complete waste of an arc.

which, as a side note, i still dont totally understand the difference between hera and playpen. theyre both sandbox games, yes? where the point is to build something yourself, entirely from scratch? so what makes playpen fun and hera not? is playpen more customisable, is it easier to control? is hera too difficult, is it not difficult enough, is it too bare or too micromanaged? this feels like something we couldve gone into instead of just tossing hera out. there are tons of games like that out there already. minecraft, the sims (all FOUR installments, plus simcity), cites:skylines, roblox, all of them extremely popular and extremely fun. why not hera? again, a question the narrative gets out of answering by throwing the game out.

and FINALLY when the grimpop dispute does get solved, their solution is "you be who you are, and ill be who i am, and neither of us changes or improves or alters our dynamic in any way"? what a FUCKING cop out. the previous seasons, so far, have ended with poppy and ian trying to mend their dynamic into something more stable and mutually beneficial, where both people (poppy, mainly, but having it be her game this time SHOULD have been an interesting subversion) feel seen and heard, where neither of them feels subservient. you want to watch the next season to see how they develop and how their dynamic shifts. but in the season 3 finale they just straight up tell you, in the show, that they're done trying to change, and then they abandon their partnership and go back to work at mythic quest. season 3 was such a wasted season in terms of the grimpop dynamic, and neither of them develop any kind of compelling relationship with the other characters either. the closest we get is dana, who, again, is turned into ian 2.0 because apparently they couldnt develop her existing character any further or use the actual ian grimm in any of her scenes with poppy. again, dana and ian have similarities, but shes not ian! and she shouldnt have had to be!

ok. rant done. if u disagree u may write me a strongly worded essay in the comments or we could just have a conversation okie dokie i love u ^_^

[system-of-a-feather]

Anyways, I think a great and important yet difficult thing to learn when healing and recovering from trauma is to learn to both see and appreciate but also engage in just how wide and vast life can be.

At least in my experience its been had putting down the swords and tools that I clung to in order to survive trauma and clung to in order to survive recovery. It felt very empty, very boring, very unmotivated, very pointless, very depressing. What could be more motivating, more engaging, more exciting (even if frightening), more purposeful and clear of a reason to do things than "its life and death and you have to"? How could ANYTHING in a safe environment match that engagement and pressure and intensity?

And really? Not many things can, but that in itself needs to become the charm of it. The charm of not HAVING to do anything but doing it cause its neat and seems fun. And being able to do THAT is hard because it isn't easy to just see things that are neat and fun let alone identify and feel that they are neat and fun when the only real motivations you are used to are survival

But over time? Things become neat and fun. Things become nice and enjoyable. Then doing things become neat and fun and nice and enjoyable. Then some things, you might just wanna do cause theyre nice.

And thats a thing I started to realize while thinking about things this morning. I always have been a rapid learner, a jack of all trades that sought out things to build a resume, get a better skill set for survival, obtaining power and security that (over the past few years, not so much in the past) didn't sacrifice my values and what not - but it was all largely for this sense of security and survival.

I think a year ago I would struggle to believe that honestly these days I am learning languages and all originally just because... I like to. I like learning patterns and memorizing things and its just something I GENUINELY enjoy because its neat and fun. Its neat being able to know secret languages. Its neat trying to learn patterns and rules to things like grammar and structure. Its neat. Sure being bilingual, trilingual etc would be great resume shit and all, but my career path isnt one that regularly and long term benefits that much from having multiple languages. It's hardly the most efficient and necessary skill to built but like, who gives a fuck honestly.

Me gutsa aprender patrones y recordar las palabras. Tanoshi to kakkoi desu. Boku wa sukoshi dake nihongo o hanashimasu. Pueden leer y escribir en Japones, pero soy perezosa para encontrar los japones caracetres.

Anyways that's probably gibberish to anyone who is actually fluent in japanese and spanish but shits fun to try to put together. Its a fun puzzle and its something nice to learn just cause why not.

[andrews-lovr]

The stranger tasm andrew garfield x female reader

summary: y/n hasn't got her life together at the moment. So many problems in her life. What were to happen when her best friend Gwen invites her to a party and she runs into a hazel eyed boy.

warnings: fluff, smut, oral,18+ if younger dont interact!, swearing, mentions of divorce, yelling, (probably a few other things)

Word count: idk semi-long maybe like 3k or 4k words.

notes: not proofread! i have never really written any fanfiction but I am quite proud with how this turn out. So any feedback would be much appreciated!!

School had been quite rough lately and so had home.

I think your best friend Gwen had realised this when you had come to school late everyday this week, unorganised and unmotivated.

You had always been somewhat of a nerd, so it was obvious something was up when your papers came back with B- and C's.

-

"Whats wrong Y/N? And don't tell me nothings up, i know theres something going on." said Gwen as you took your daily walk home from school.

She saw straight through you, of course, she could read you like a book seeing as you've been friends since 1st grade. You just didn't need her worrying about you right now, she already had so much on her plate. But then again she deserves the truth.

"Schools just been a bit boring at the moment, all the teachers just seem to put me to sleep these days, nothings sticking in my brain. i think i just need a good night out or a holiday. My parents have been quite distant too and somehow I'm in the middle of it. I've been staying with my uncle, thats why I've been late everyday this week. I'm sorry Gwen you don't need to worry about me, I'll be just fine." you gave her a week and half smile that she returned in favour.

"You know you can always stay with me Y/N? Your always welcome at mine and you didn't need to keep this secret from me, I've known you forever. Of course I'm always going to be worried for you, just don't stress over things that are out of your change." she gave you a beaming smile, that always made you feel better.

She always knew what to say. You came to Gwens home and walked her to the front door.

"Y/N as you said before you need a break. Come to the party with me tonight, it will get your mind of things for tonight at least. Come as my... plus one haha." said Gwen as she fiddled with the key in the doorknob.

"I don't know Gwen, it might be a bad idea, seeing as my parents are expecting me to have dinner with them later tonight." Y/N said sheepishly.

"I'll get you out of it, i have my ways, just get into something cute and I'll meet you outside yours at 8pm tonight. Be brave, live a little!" she closed the door on you, leaving you to your thoughts to wonder down the city.

-

You came home and slowly slumped to your room, your parents wanted you back home now.

You could hear the muffled sound of yelling coming from one of the many rooms in the house. It had become a normal noise in the house now. You just put your music in and lay on your bed.

*bing*

A notification on your phone from:

Gwen

- I told your parents that we are going to study tonight, you better be coming!!

Y/N

- don't worry, I'll be there, i need a break anyway. Thank you x

Gwen

- Your welcome, just wear something cute, i have someone you might want to meet ;)

Y/n

- I'm already stressed enough as is!! A boy in the mix would make everything worse

Gwen

- although he might be able to get your mind off of things ;)

Y/N

- fuck you. A one night stand is the least of things I need right now.

Gwen had left it on read. You would hear the rest from her later.

-

You put on your black silk dress, along with your jacket and boots. Doing minimal makeup.

It was nearly 8 so you headed down stairs. Just to see your parents in the hall way. Arguing again..

"WHY WON'T YOU JUST LET ME LEAVE!!!" Y/Ns mum screamed.

"I WANT WHATS BEST FOR Y/N! you can't leave! You can't leave our baby alone, she needs us..." Y/Ns dad said, tone lowering.

You watched them slowly turn to realise you were there. Dad gave you a smile, while your mum tried to wipe away the tears discreetly.

"Hi pumpkin. Gwen shouldn't be to far along." Dad said trying to divert the attention elsewhere.

"Can I... speak to you both?" You said scared of what would happen next.

"Sure sweetheart" mum said joining the conversation.

You all went to sit down at the couch. You stared at both mum and dad, scared of what you were about to say.

" I know things aren't going well between the two of you at the moment." You say, releasing a huge sigh.

"If you aren't happy anymore then I dont want your fighting to go on any longer. If I'm whats stopping you guys, I would drather you be happy then in a house with someone you hate every bit of."

" I love you both equally and nothing matters past that" you said tears growing in your eyes.

An awkward silence filled the room and it felt like every word spoken by you hung in the air.

*knock knock*

Gwen must have been there. You got up to leave your parents talk things over with eachother.

Tears falling down your cheek as you reached for the door handle. Wiping them away.

Gwen was dressed in a beautiful red dress and you were greeted to her beaming smile.

"Hey y/n, ready for the party?" Gwen said as you walked down to her car.

"I am now" you knew you needed a few drinks to get your mind off things, and this party was the distraction you needed.

-

You arrived to what seemed the biggest house on the block. You could hear the loud music banging outside the house.

Walking in you were instantly hit with the smell of sweaty teenagers, booz, vomit and a person wearing way to much colone.

Gwen dragged you around the place to meet a few new faces. But you were more focused on getting drunk to let go of you problems for one night.

As soon as you were free of her, you set off towards the bar, downing a few drinks.

"Two bottles of beer please" said the man as he sat down next to you.

"Having fun?" He asked looking at you.

He was so gorgeous, brown messy yet tamed hair flying off his head, doe eyes that you could stare into forever and... wow that smile, could hold your heart forever.

"I... I- I am, sorry im just a bit distracted tonight." You said looking down at your drink.

"I think that's why everyone comes to these lame excuses for a party. To get there mind off their distractions" he looked u up and down before taking a drink from his beer.

You chugged the rest of your bottle, slamming it down on the table, problems slowly fading.

"I'm y/n by the way, nice to meet you. And you are?" The devilishly handsome man holding out his hand.

"Peter, Peter Parker!" You took his hand without question. Hands still held together after what seemed like an eternity.

"Y/n! I've been looking everywhere for you, I was gonna get you a drink but I see someone else has beaten me to it." She gave you a wink and smiled smugly.

"I knew you two would hit it off, you didn't even need my help." Peter looked at you confused, eyebrows furrowing.

"I should leave you two alone then, I'll see you tomorrow y/n. Im sure you will find a way home... or to someone else's home." She said lowering her tone so peter couldn't hear.

I gave her a light shove. She slowly walked off. "Have fun" was the last thing she said before being out of sight. Leaving you and peter awkwardly standing there.

"Want to go somewhere else?" Peter suggested offering his hand once more.

"Anywhere but here" you said taking his hand.

With that he weaved you through the crowd to the door on the other end, never letting go of your hand.

-

You made it through the sea of people, still holding the hazel eyed boys hand. You walked along the street together, lit by the overhanging street lamps.

"What was that about?" Peter said breaking the silence.

"What was what?"

"Gwen said something about us hitting it off without her help?" He said walking down the cobbled street.

"Oh that. She is always trying to help me find someone, but I just haven't been interested in a long time. I just didn't have time for that kinda stuff." You said looking up at the gorgeous man.

"Well I'm delighted to have met you y/n, i must say seeing you there at the bar made my night." You tried to hide your red cheeks by looking away, but only did he squeeze your hand tighter.

"Thank you, atleast I have a distraction now." You said winking at him before being playfully shoved by Peter.

"Wow, you get beautiful girl who made my night and I get the distraction that happened to offer you a beer." You both laughed walking up the stairs to his door.

"Do you... do you want to come in?" He said cheeks flushed and a gorgeous smile displayed on his face.

"I would love that" you said smiling.

He got out his keys fiddling with the door before letting you in. The house smelt of roasted coffee and cinnamon, just like you imagined.

He took off his shoes and jacket you doing the same. Following him into his lounge room. Sitting down on the couch as Peter got two bottles of beer from his fridge.

"Sorry the house is a bit of a mess, I havent really cleaned up" he said sitting down beside you, handing you the drink.

"Its fine." You said taking a sip.

"I haven't had a girl in my apartment for quite some time now. Atleast not one this beautiful." He stared into your eyes, displaying his infectious smile.

"I haven't been in a man's apartment for a while either, not one as pretty as you." You gave him a wink before taking another sip, to break the small gap between you.

You put the drink down and looked back at Peter. Only to see him inches away from your face. Looking from his eyes to his swollen pink lips.

"Can I kiss you" Peter said.

"Ye-." Before you could say anything more his lips came crashing down on yours, filling the empty space.

His hands travelled up and down your arms as yours grabbed onto his gorgeous hair. His mouth opening slightly to feel his tongue running on the bottom of your lip. Begginging for entrance. With that you opened your mouth slightly, his tongue slid into yours, capturing every taste of you.

Somehow you had ended up on top of his thighs, peters hands had found their ways to your hips, slowly rubbing you against his growing bulgde. Before you let out a soft moan into his lips.

Tingles running up his spine from the vibration. He picked you up continuing the kiss as he walked you towards the bedroom, your legs wrapped around his waste.

He slowly sat you down on the the bed, lips still not leaving eachothers as you tugged on his shirt. Understanding the signal he let go of your lips pulling his shirt over his head.

Your eyes went to every inch of him, making mental pictures in your mind of every curve in his body.

"My eyes are up her y/n" he said with a cheeky grin on his face.

He pulled your dress over your head. You feeling the cold on your bare skin, soon to be warmth by Peter who was once again kissing you deeply.

Peter continued kissing you tongue back in yours. He started kissing down your jawline. You letting out laughs as he trailed down your collarbone.

He continued kissing when he heard you squeal at the feeling of one of the kisses he planted, he found the spot and sucked hard leaving you moaning his name and a purple mark on your collarbone.

Peter trailed kisses down you lower and lower. Stoping right above your core kissing more purple marks on your stomach.

"P-peter... please." You moaned helplessly.

with that Peter kissed up you thighs sending shivers up your spine as he took off the slicked underwear from you.

"So wet from me baby? Such a slut for me y/n." He said as he ran his finger along your core, spine lifting from the bed.

Peter stared at you before plunging down sucking on you clit, releasing a moan from your lips.

His mouth travelled to your folds tongue slipping in and out. Then back to your clit. You were a shaking mess underneath him and he seemed to love it.

He kept lapping at your folds never taking his gaze from your beautiful face, moaning out his name. He slipped one finger inside you as he continued to eat you out, pumping hard and fast.

He slid another one in, pumping in and out of you even faster. Before you knew it a warmth was building up in your stomach and you were seeing butterflies.

"I- im gonna cum.." you moaned.

"Cum on baby, cum on me, I want to taste you." Peter said against your core.

And with that your came on his fingers. Him continuing to finger you while chasing your high. He slipped his fingers out and sucked on your juices, never looking away from you.

The bulgde in his pants, incredibly noticeable. You grabbed the wasteland of his pants and undid his belt pulling his pants and boxers down.

"You have such a pretty cock Peter, so big" you said pumping him slowly.

His breathe hitched and shaking. With that you sent your tongue along the underside of his cock, sucking at the tip. He moaned holding back everything he had not to thrust into your mouth.

"Please... y/n." He said looking down at you.

You took in a breathe, taking him all the way in. He hit the back of your throat causing you to gag at his length. Slowly you started bobbing your head using your hand to pump th rest.

Peters moans filled the room as you continued to suck him off.

"Y/n... y/n inside. I need to cum inside you. He said shakily.

With that you let go of him with a satisfying pop, laying on your back infront of him.

He lined his cock up with your entrance, your legs wrapping around his waste.

"Is this okay?" He said holding back all his will power not to thrust in you at this moment.

"Yes, I need you Peter." You moaned.

And with that he slowly slid into you, so you could feel every vein in his dick. Bottoming you out completely, he sat there for a few seconds so you could get use to his size. Before snapping back into you again. Pace steady, hips snapping back into yours.

He kissed you, whilst continuly thrusting into your pussy.

"You're so tight, you feel so good, so good for me... so wet baby." As he continued his thrusts getting harsher, moans and the sound of skin slapping filled the room.

Peter continued to snap in and out of you at a brisk pace bottoming you out everytime, balls slapping against your back. His hand came down to strategically rub circles against your clit. Your head spinning as you moaned his name.

"Peter- im so close" you screamed.

"Same baby, come with me, I want to come with you baby." His thrusts got even harsher hitting that deep spot inside you.

With a few more thrusts you were both sent over the edge, you clenched around his cock, whilst Peter spilled his seed all over you. Coating your walls.

He fell on top of you both breathing heavily. He pulled out of you staring into your eyes.

"Your so beautiful y/n, thank you for tonight." He said breathe still heavy.

You played with his hair looking back into his eyes.

"Thank you for tonight, I really needed that. Want to go on a date with me?" You smiled.

"How could I say no, after all I am your distraction, maybe for a while." He winked both of you laughing.

He got up to get a towel wiping up the mess and running a hot bath for you. Life couldn't seem more perfect than this moment.

[fweasleyswhore]

hey i just wanted to do a 🧡 because i am a bit bored hahaha first of all i absolutely adore your name!! i think molly is such a pretty name and you seem like such a cute and nice person<3

so my name is amara my day was kinda boring i just went so my local supermarket and got some monster and i read the whole day, how was your day? so i am currently rereading the harry potter book and rn i am reading deathly hallows and i just love this book my favourite harry potter book is prisoner of azkaban because i love remus and sirius they’re my comfort characters, what’s your favourite harry potter book or movie? and who are your favourite or comfort characters? i bought so many books because my birthday is on the 26th of december and now i don’t know what i should read after i finish harry potter and i started to write a george weasley fanfiction on ao3 i wrote two chapters but i am kinda unmotivated to write on and i am a bit stressed out rn because my anxiety is getting bad but i hope you’re doing good xx

omg ok first off 🥺 thank you

i have legit hated my name for the longest time it was kinda a funny fuck up how i got it bc molly was supposed to be my nickname, thats how my entire fam is one long name and a short nickname, but my fam hadnt decided on what that long name would be and my dad just wrote molly on the birth certificate and my mom was FUMIMG LMFAO

amara sounds like a cool ass rock, not that you are a rock but like gemstone vibes yk so pretty

im reading the books and im not done with em yet but i will say that goblet of fire is my favorite hands down, i love prizoner of azkaban as well i just think goblet is just so warm yk idk how to explain it you just see a lot of relationships intertwine and i love that

also my comfort characters from hp def fred and george, also lupin just yeah, also in general as comfort stuff goes i love adventure time its just easy and happy haha

also i comppetely understand writers block and no motivation thats where i am right now and it sucks! i usually try to do a diff activity that i like to kinda get my brain working again and just spend some time doing something different as a refesher, i hope that helps! also why are you anxious? i have expirience with that and when i used to get anxious to help all i needed was for someone to tell me i was being stupid bc half the time i was worring abt some bs, but if i can help lmk !

[angeledwings]

ʟᴇᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴀʟᴋ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ꜱʜɪᴘꜱ | @hartofbalamb //HMR I LOVE YOU TY. YOU ALREADY KNOW ME SO WELL asdfghjkl;♥♥♥

Send me a Ship and I’ll Break Them DOWN

How did they they meet?

Hoooboy this is gonna be kinda long.

So, I have this headcanon that Rinoa was looking everywhere for a Garden who would agree to offer their mercenaries in exchange for a low price---which is a very horrible exchange. And she knew that.

First. Rinoa went to Galbadia Garden; the snooty rich SeeDs with more experienced fighters. Their headmaster declined Rinoa’s offer---as expected, but that hardly unmotivated the determined resistance leader.

Next, she applied for help to Trabia Garden. The best they could do was offer some technicians and a trainee to ensure safety protocols and offer security. And while that was a kind offer, it wasn’t what Rinoa was looking for. Trabia declined Rinoa’s want for their experienced fighters but gave her a referral for Balamb and allowed her to board the train free of cost. (They were a bunch of nice people.)

The minute Rinoa arrives in Balamb, she’s met with the sight of a silver haired woman ruthlessly kicking the snot out of some poor helpless burly guy while another man in a white coat brandishing a sword laughed hysterically at the woman’s antics. Indeed, that was the posse we all know and Seifer loves.

Rinoa immediately assumes Balamb is an island full of delinquents with a bad reputation, but that doesn’t deter her from seeking out what she came there for.

However, before she was going to head down the road towards the Garden, she was going to stop the brutal beating by stepping between the woman and the cowering man, DEMANDING they stop. She didn’t mind a brawl if it meant fighting for what was right. And they were vehemently out of line.

This triggers Seifer, and he decides to introduce the fear of god into the small woman’s tiny form. He leers over her, using his tall stature to make her feel small, obsolete, weak. His piercing greens bore into her skull. And if looks could kill? She’d have died a thousand times.

Rinoa cared little for his approach. She was NOT afraid of him.

She stares back, eyes winced, brows furrowed, hands on her hips. She challenged him; a huge mistake no one DARED think about.

Still. He was not getting his way by trying to intimidate her.

They stay like this for a good five minutes. Seifer breaks, finding everything about her...amusing. different. hilarious. surreal. He smirks, then scoffs at this little spitfire and tells her to get out of his sight.

Fujin ceases her brutal beatings on Raijin and notices Seifer watching the blue clad woman with a wide eyed stare, and a psychotic curl of the lips.

He did not want their game to end. He wanted to make her suffer.

So he  follows her...

Who developed romantic feelings first?

Seifer.

Rinoa was too involved with getting Independence for Timber that she didn’t have time for romantic feelings. Or so she thought. Yes. Seifer was cute. He smelled good. His voice was was like a melody to her ears, but it was normal to get infatuation. And Rinoa assumed it would pass. It obviously did not.

Seifer, however, developed feelings for her because she didn’t want him, and she never took his shit. He was a selfish asshole and always treated their meetings like a game. Until it wasn’t...

Something about how passionate Rinoa was about her cause woke something up inside of him. Her determination for what she wanted was inspiring. Just like a little boy he once knew from long long ago...

Rinoa’s feelings eventually grew the moment Seifer started talking to Rinoa about Forest Owls. He would show minor tender moments to show Rinoa that he sincerely wanted to help her. It meant a lot to her because of the lengths he went to make sure her dream would prosper. He didn’t care about Timber at all, though. He cared about Rinoa, and what she wanted. So, what was important to her, was important to him.

He promised her he’d become a SeeD, and offer himself in Garden’s stead. But not for free. She owed him a date, and she was already neck deep in a shit ton of debt---or so he claimed.

Rinoa loves Seifer, and still does to this day. Theres a connection she feels that cant be said with words. Its just there. And it always will be.

Who is their biggest “shipper?”

Raijin. Raijin likes Rinoa because she saved him from Fujin’s wrath more than once. THEREFORE. HE ENCOURAGED SEIFER TO CHASE HER. Lmao. But oh. Don’t tell Seifer what to do. xD

When did they have their first kiss and under what circumstances?

Very bad circumstances lol. Seifer is an asshat. We all know this. How he shows affection or interest is...unusual at best.

What he did was, he needled her over the smallest things, tried to convince her she was stupid, told her she was weak, and on one occasion prevented her from going anywhere by barring her path with his legs. He was sitting in a seat blocking the door, laid back, watching her freaking out to let her go. It was amusing. He LOVED playing with her.

During that moment of hysteria, he drops his feet, grabs her, and plants a good one on her. She answers with a big slap against his face and screaming about something or another. Yeah, yeah. He’s heard it all before sweetheart.

He laughs and simply says, “Wow, that actually hurt.” He bars her path again by slamming his hands on the wall behind her and whispers, “Do it again...”

Who confessed their feelings first?

Seifer. Though not in your usual way. I mean, of course right? He’s a pompous asshole. Confident as hell and really doesn’t care any other way. It was just.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m not concerned about what you’re saying, but I like your face.”

What was their first official date?

Uhhh. Rinoa is still in “debt”. Loooool.

How do they feel about double dates/group dates?

Rinoa thinks they’re adorable. Seifer thinks its tacky. And what if he got a boner? Its not for them. But. Oh well. they can look. He’s a pretty impressive guy and all. -rolls eyes-

What do they do in their down time?

I can imagine Rinoa likes to pamper herself with bubble bath, massages, facials, and taking naps with Angelo. She also likes to catch up with some of her friends with lunch or a little get together.

And I figure Seifer is doing something dangerous or completely stupid. You know. So he can come out in a blaze of glory.

What was the first meeting of parents as an official couple like?

Well. Being that Rinoa only knows Edea due to....reasons. She never got a proper introduction.

Seifer met Fury and he didn’t care to change his personality to look good in front of the General. And Rinoa LOVED THAT. Seifer wasn’t afraid to continue being himself even towards a man of “great importance”. Seifer was just Seifer.

Caraway HATES his guts.

What was their first fight over and how did they get past it?

Obviously over the stunts he does. He is reckless with how he approaches things and due to that, it could land the Forest Owls in hot water. Rinoa was PISSED with some of the things Seifer threw himself into for fear that he wouldn’t come out alive. She was constantly worried that he would die over just one mistake, and he NEVER took her worries into consideration.

He knows he’s hard to kill, and he always told her that. Why did she care so much, anyway?

Women. Right?

They never really got passed it. Just bored of it? It was the same argument over and over. Seifer was not going to change and Rinoa had to accept that. And she did, no matter how much it hurt.

Which one is more easily made jealous?

Uh. Both, honestly? Though I see Seifer much more inclined to turn the entire misunderstanding into a fiasco that would make you regret having known him. Like. Punching out a guy for having looked at his girl a certain way. Starting an argument with a guy at a checkout register for telling Rinoa to have a good day bc thats obv signs of flirting. (Yes, I am aware that is VERy toxic. Seifer is toxic.)

Rinoa is more reserved and wants to keep it between them. But she isn’t all innocent. If Seifer even so much as says “hey” in a certain way to another, Rinoa will do the same with a guy to make him jealous. Its just a cycle of ugliness lol.

What is their favourite thing to get to eat?

Who doesn’t like sushi, fam? ;D

Who’s the cuddly one? What their favourite cuddling position?

Rinoa obviously cuddles Seifer. She loves every snuggly position. Just as long as she’s near him she loves it.

Seifer prefers laying on his back with an arm around her.

Are they hand holders?

Rinoa certainly is. She wants to hold Seifer’s hand all the time.

Seifer thinks its pathetic and embarrassing as fuck. Buutttt. He’ll give Rinoa this ONE exception.

How long do they wait before sleeping together for the first time? What’s the circumstances?

They should have waited longer buuuut, about 5 months since they met.

Circumstance? They were horny? asdfjgdflks;

Who tops?

Seifer. He has more experience.

It took Rinoa a little while to really learn about her body and what it liked. She can top when given the opportunity.

What’s the worst first they’ve ever gotten into?

I’d say, their first kiss was the worst fist of the century. xD Pretty sure the people of FFVIII heard Hyne crying.

Who does the shopping and the cooking?

Both. Rinoa LOVES Seifer’s cooking. Rinoa is also skilled with culinary arts. And she also does the shopping since Seifer gets irritated and loses his patience.

Which one is more organized and prone to tidiness?

Seifer is really organized for being a scatter brained asshole. Rinoa is the tired little poof. She loves her naps. <3

Who proposes?

Unfortunately....we all know how this panned out. :’(

Do they have joined Bachelor/Bacheloette parties or separate?

Who is the best man/maid of honour? Any other groomsmen or bridesmaids?

Big Ceremony or Small?

Do they have a honeymoon? If so, where?  

Do they have children? How many?

[tvnksted]

what’s  poppin  my  dudes  !!  i’ve  gotta  say,  i  haven’t  properly  read  all  your  intros  yet  but  i  have  skimmed  them  and  just  ...,,,  wow  ????  the  Talent  ??  listen  i  am  blown  away.  anyways  to  start  off  my  intro,  a  lil  bit  about  me:  i’m  bee  (  she/her  ),  i’m  from  canada,  i'm  a  second  yr  math  major  so  i  might  not  be  active  every  single  day  (  but  i  do  love  procrastinating  so  we’ll  see  )  and  i  can  probably  quote  the  2005  pride  &  prejudice  off  by  heart.  now  onto  my  boi  ted  !!  not  sure  i  love  love  michel  biel  for  him  but  we’ll  see how  it  goes

* ╰    (  MICHEL  BIEL  ) ┋ have  you  met  (  EDWARD  “TED”  TONKS  )  ?  (  he  ) reminds  me  of  (  boy  forgotten:  oil  on  canvas.  a  remnant  of  softness  in  a  practice-makes-perfect  chrysalis.  snake  skin,  muggle  blood.  a  threadbare  jacket  worn  as  armour,  polished  veneer  marred  only  by  that  chip  on  your  shoulder.  tongue  fluent  in  loopholes  and  sharp  as  sin.  wind-chapped  knuckles  smoothed  by  herbal  lotion,  wind-chapped  lips  sweetened  by  honey  and  apple.  sea  glass  worn  smooth,  turned  over  and  over  in  your  pocket.  black  tea  past  midnight.  cold  fingers,  warm  eyes,  and  a  quicksilver  smile.  the  smoke  of  a  candle  blown  out.  a  skeptic’s  wish.  a  study  in  dichotomy:  are  you  the  wolf,  my  dear,  or  are  you  his  prey  ?  fingers  stained  with  newspaper  ink,  the  first  thawing  of  spring  ice,  and  hand-me-down  hope  you  haven’t  quite  taught  yourself  to  forget.  ).  a  (  twenty  one  )  year  old  (  eleventh  )  year  (  slytherin  ),  the  (  architect  )  is  known  to  be  (  charismatic  &  self-reliant  ),  yet  (  obsessive  &  resentful  ).  that  explains  why  they’re  majoring  in  (  wizarding  law  ).  rumour  has  it,  (  ted  )  is  siding  with  (  the  neutrals  )  in  the  solemn  war  that  blazes  just  beyond  the  horizon. 

pinterest  !

i  was  gonna  write  a  fancy  nice  intro  but  it  was  taking  too  much  time  so  you  get  this  rambly  mess

if  u  get  adam  parrish  vibez  from  this  intro  thats  …,,  very  valid  sdkfsk  he  is  a  large  character  inspo

from  the  moment  edward  tonks  was  born,  he  was  ted.  just  ted.  it  suited  him  better,  the  scrawny  premature  baby  that  he  was,  born  into  a  family  not  made  of  money,  but  something  that  was  equal  parts  desperation  and  love

ted’s  family  didn’t  have  much,  and  they  had  even  less  when  his  dad  left  their  family  when  ted  was  only  ten  for  a  woman  he’d  been  seeing  on  the  side

suffice  to  say  ted  doesn’t  like  his  father  very  much

so  his  mother  was  left  working  double  shifts  bagging  groceries  at  tesco  to  try  and  provide  for  ted  &  his  younger  sister  nora  (  five  years  younger  than  ted  so  she  was  five  when  their  dad  left,  and  sixteen  now  ),  and  ted  helped  out  as  much  as  he  could

when  ted  was  growing  up,  he  was  a  lot  more  creative  &  idealistic  than  he  is  now.  he  used  to  write  a  lot  especially  !  creative  short  stories,  thoughtful  op-ed  pieces,  tongue-in-cheek  poetry,  drawing  inspiration  from  the  most  unlikely  of  places

he  didn’t  grow  up  in  a  super  wealthy  part  of  dublin,  and  so  his  elementary  school  was  underfunded  and  understaffed,  the  teachers  overworked  and  the  students  unmotivated,  but  ted  was  the  kid  who  everyone  expected  to  make  something  of  himself

he  actually  had  some  of  his  writing  published  in  a  young  authors  collection !  wow  go  ted

anyways  and  then  his  dad  left  and  then  hogwarts  happened  and  ted  had  to  deal  with  all  the  shit  that  comes  from  being  a  lower  class  muggleborn  slytherin  and  he  stopped  writing  as  much

he  kept  his  head  high  though,  proud  and  stubborn  as  fuck,  and  kept  his  hand-me-down  uniform  impeccably  ironed  and  washed  and  folded  neatly  in  his  drawer

ted  is  slytherin  as  Fuck  btw.  like  this  isn’t  me  sorting  him  into  slytherin  for  a  Fun  New  Twist  (  well  it  is  but  also  i  couldn’t  see ted  being  in  any  other  house  )

he  is  ambitious  and  clever  and  self-preserving  and  resourceful  and  competitive  and  charming  and  ruthless  and  family-oriented

now  ted  is  tall  and  serious  and  sharp-edged,  a  far  cry  from  the  sickly  baby  he  once  was,  but  the  name’s  still  stuck.  ted,  a  soft  name  from  a  softer  time.  the  only  hint  there’s  still  remnants  of  whimsy  left  in  this  boy

he  was  chosen  to  be  a  slytherin  prefect  and  wears  the  title  with  pride  !  takes  no  shit  but  does  no  harm.  he  especially  keeps  an  eye  out  for  the  few  other  slytherin  muggleborns  at  hogwarts

i’d  think  he’s  probably  pretty  well  liked  at  hogwarts  –  probably  known  for  keeping  a  level  head  and  a  clever  tongue.  he  knows  how  to  make  people  like  him  & uses  it  to  his  advantage

forgive  and  forget  ?  ted  doesn’t  know  her.  resent  and  remember

we  can  see  the  chip  on  your  shoulder  ted

he’s  considerate  and  warm  but  like  …  he  won’t  go  out  of  his  way  to  stand  up  for  muggle  rights  or  anything.  it’s  that  Politics  Mood  where  no  matter  what  he  does,  it  never  seems  to  make  a  difference.  so  in  typical  slytherin  fashion  he’s  just  focusing  on  himself  now,  aiming  to  get  a  cushy  job  in  the  ministry

little  bit  over-focused  on  money  but  that’s  what  happens  when  you  don’t  grow  up  with  it

like  he’d  absolutely  take  a  lucrative  but  boring  job  he  doesn’t  like  over  a  poorly  paying  job  he  loves  (  right  now  at  least  ).  he’s  cynical  like  that.  do  you  think  he’s  taking  wizarding  law  bc  he  enjoys  it  ?  nah.  it’s  for  those  galleonsss

probably  has  had  at  max  one  serious  relationship,  maybe  a  couple  shorter  flings,  but  ted  is  way  too  focused  on  his  independence  to  be  a  good  boyfriend  tbh

idk  why  but  nfwmb  by  hozier  gives  me  strong  ted  vibes  ?

capricorn  sun  cancer  moon

lawful  neutral  in  the  most  slytherin  way  possible.  this  boy  knows  how  to  find  loopholes

intj  as  fuck  !!  i  gave  him  the  label  the  architect  just  cause  i  was  feeling  it  for  him  and  then  just  now  i  was  like  hm  what  mbti  type  is  ted  ?  he  seems  like  an  intj.  and  lo  and  behold  the  mbti  role  for  intj  is  the  architect

he  likes  tea  but  not  coffee

someone  please  make  him  less  cynical  n  teach  him  there’s  still  good  in  the  world

anyways  this  was  rambly  but  pls  love  him

[thisisasupergoodidea]

no

i was wrong in many different ways today

i chose to go to the movies with my dad, uncle, and aunt. but it was my uncle that wanted me to go, not my dad. he said it was to get me out of the house. mistake number 1

breakfast was amazing. i got too big of a plate (considering id already eaten like 2 hours ago also) so i wasnt able to finish the gigantic pancakes. honorary mistake. BUT i was really feeling happy and okay about my decision to join them and optimistic for the movie i still didnt wanna see. mistake number 2

we went back to my aunts house to wait another hour or so for our movie showing and they were just talkin about what dad plans to do with the house renovations he stagnated on. he mentioned getting rid of the cats again. and i know he means it. and as someone with absolutely no influence over his decisions, all i could say was “no, you cant, if you do that i will die” over and over again like an inarticulate bumblefuck. and of course he doesnt care! thats not an argument! because here’s where i was super wrong: we ARENT lonely and depressed the same way. duh. im unmotivated because of the way i feel, the lack of emotional drive to Do. he’s unmotivated because he lacks a reason to Do now that my mom left him. im highly emotional. hes highly not emotional. and i knew that already, too, i was so stupid trying to find an emotional connection in a guy who has repeatedly told me he lacks that with anyone. the way we interact with others is fundamentally different and we will never understand each other because we dont know how and we dont even want to. mistake 3

so im sittin there as the convo moves on trying to hold down that fucking floodgate but i cant and i go to the bathroom and... have the quietest meltdown i can muster. its not just about the cats, its about everything. everything i wanna tell him that he will never ever care about. i leave the bathroom when i think im safe (and when someone knocks to use it next) but theres just Too Much feeling bashing at the front of my cranium now and i dip into a random corner near the entrance and just keep silently overflowing. my next mistake at that point is that im there at all. i want to go home. i dont HAVE a home but i want to go

and if that wasnt Too Much for me already, my uncle looks for me and tries to pat my head awkwardly when he sees me. i hate it when he does that, i duck away from it. my aunt comes back from the bathroom and sees me, she coos like im 4 and just skinned my fucking knee and gives me a weird side hug. this is not the consolation i need, i try to shy away from that too but its not possible to do politely. im relieved that my dad didnt come over to find me, but im simultaneously distraught that he genuinely does not care enough to do. anything. and i just get worse. i dont want to go back to the couch, i dont want to look at him, so i stand there in the corner for close to 50 minutes trying and failing to get myself under control. then my aunt’s boyfriend comes in from the backyard and i can hear her telling him not to walk where i am because im really upset about my cats. this is fucking mortifying for me. i HATE crying in front of people so much, especially when i cant stop myself. i HATE how large and unreasonable my emotions are. i HATE being around people who continually misunderstand me because they write off the tsunami of shit i have to endure from myself as ‘katie being silly or overdramatic about things’

so yeah next mistake was inheriting the Emotionally Tumultuous gene. im not counting these anymore what does it fuckin matter

we go to the movies. i can barely react or respond to anyone beyond 3 words said at a low mumble, at most, so about halfway to the movie theater the first thing dad says to me since That is “cheer up, katie” told to me in a grim, admonishing tone. i almost start crying again in the car but my deep shame helps me suck it back up. everyone knows that telling someone who is depressed and distraught to ‘cheer up’ will unfailingly cure their immense sadness on the spot! anyway, the movie sucked and was bad and boring. dont even remember its name. next mistake: watching this movie. i actually felt a tiny bit lighter by the end of it, though. suitably distracted for 2 hours. i was able to make small conversation afterward. but i know none of my distractions ever last and 20 minutes later im back to wavering between almost being okay and half on the verge of tears. returning to my room helped somewhat like, at least im alone now, but it doesn’t help because im alone. another mistake: wanting to be alone so i can be upset in private about how i don’t want to be alone right now

im tired. i think writing it out helped but im too tired to think good

[ask-the-jackseptic-markimoo-blog]

 1. Sticky bomb!: If you could make a weapon of your choosing, what would it be and what funky name would you give it?

hmm, i dunno. most likely make it weird as hell tho and name it “gun enthusiast!” (lordminion777/wade refernence)

2. SPEED IS KEY: What’s your dream super power?

Psychokinesis or Time Manipulation.

3. Green Pewdiepie: Has anyone ever compared you to someone else? Was it positive or negative? How did you feel?

my sister compares me to either mark or jack for me being loud, annoying or stupid :P (no offence mark or jack) i dunno how to feel about it

4. Antisepticeye: What’s your favorite horror trope? Least favorite?

favorite horror trope would probably be Scream. i dont really have a least favorite, im a sucker for horror! 

5. “Am I recording?”: Have you ever done something to completion only to find you’d done it completely wrong? What was it?

a school test. i studied the wrong fucking lesson.

6. BAYTIN(as of today its a meme ahah): Ever been in a fight? How’d it go?

i’ve been in many, it was a fist fight, they got fucked up pretty bad, you dont fuck with my family.

7. Irish Slang: Do you know another language? What is it? Say something in that language! 

i know japanese and a little korean.  私は両方の言語を話すのが好きです。 나의 한국은 나아지고있다. 배우고있다!

8. Dr. Schneeplesteen: What’s your favorite board game?

Clue

9. All the Way: What was one of your most unmotivated points? What got you through that point?

when iwas working on a big school project, my friends  and PMA!

10. Jacksepticeye power hour: Are you impulsive or do you usually think things through before doing something?

a little bit of both

11. Cool Patrol: If you met your idol, who would you meet and what would you say?

@therealjacksepticeye & @markiplier  id most likely have really bad social anxiety and start crying and shaking while trying to explain to them  why their my idol and suck

12. Cuz Fuck you, that’s why!: What’s a favorite insult that you actually use on others?

fuck you

dont fucking come at me you piece of shit! ill fucking stab your parents!

i’ll kick your rocky road and then punch the ever loving strawberry chesse cake outta ya.

Fuck ya Chicken strips!

13. I know what do: When learning something new, do you learn quickly or does it come slow?

depends on what it is tbh. if its something i hate, id refuse to learn it, something i like id learn it fast.

14. The gauges: Is there anything you’d ever want to do to ‘decorate’ your body? Tattoo/gauges/hair dyeing/piercings?

all of the above.

15. That’s a stup: Do you get bored easily?

yes.

16. Robin’s edits: Do you think you’d ever be a video editor? Are you currently? What’s your favorite edit to do/favorite edits to see?

maybe. no, but i do like editing. mostly things i like.

17. Signe: Do you have a significant other? How long have you been together? If you are single, have you ever had a significant other? How long did it last?

yes, for a long time. ive been in many and the second longest was 3 and a half years

18. The hat™: Do you have a favorite peice of clothing? What is it?

i dont think so?

19. The Undertale series: Do you have a favorite game? What is it?

I dunno! theres so many video games that hold a special place in my heart!

20. High fives all around: Is there a special greeting/parting gesture you give to others? What is it? 

ye. its normally either a meme reference like “ WhaTs uP fUckerS?’’ or a nod “sup?’ but there are ones where by greeting them i say nothing and just give them a gentle hug, but thats for close friends.

[jinglyjangly]

ANOTHER reason why fallout four is feeling fucked Up: there’s no big music part that zooms out a bit or explains some sHit. Every single main game (incl. new vegas) except 4 had it and it Pisses Me Off! It didn’t even had to be an Ink Spots song (however their music is amazing) but it feels wrong and weird and gosh! I am worked up about music.

Man if you want me to get into a rant about storytelling through cinematic (aka storyboards what im trying to get a job at) this is where you startWith the music all i can really say is fo4s score is just boring to me and generic, while fnv reuses past scores but with those and the few new ones that are introduced really actually sound like sounds in the post apocalypse. But its kinda just preference i guess? But with cinematic i can legit say fo4 is just flat out boring and not good. With fo1/2 fo3 it tells you the basic “world blew up now your here” while also showing a small glimpse what its kinda like in the wasteland. Keeping in mind that it is a ROLEPLAYING Game with fo4: it goes into dumbass shit about the main character that we dont need to know anything about?! What is the point of knowing nates grandfather was in the war?! It doesnt help anyone make any connections about what the game is about. The game is a post apocalyptic rpg, not about fucking...war... it goes on about family and protecting family, which like, alienates the huge chunk of the audience who isnt a father. Its narrated by the dude which alienates who isnt a man. It literally shows NOTHING about what the game is about. At the same time, it shows you nothing about how you got to where you were. They didnt go into how you got on the vault list, what was going on during the resources war that lead nate to be there. When it comes down to storytelling in cinematic the number one thing is to keep it simple. Fo4 is over convoluted with random shit no one cares about, and the only thing you learn from it is “there was a war” and pointless random facts about a character youre supposed to be making.Fnv did pretty much the exact opposite! The title is “new vegas” so you assume its set in vegas, so they start off showing you...vegas... they show ncr soldiers, and then if you dont know who they are from the earlier games they tell you briefly. They show the legion, which no one knows anything about, and briefly explain. EVERYTHING about the setup is briefly explained with simple sentences. Then it shows where you belong in this world as the player, how you got to this point, without going into unnecessary details. You were delivering a package, thats it. you werent doing it for your wife and son, you didnt have some grandfather who was a mailman, youre just there. You could have these things, for sure, but you get to make them. Its also set as a 3rd omniscient person narrating, like the past games, wich just works better for roleplaying video games. And idk watching fnvs cinematic i get SO pumped and SO ready to just go and shoot a gecko or something while after watching fo4s i get bored af. I feel so unmotivated by it, like you really have no insentive to do anything really until you finally meet preston and start a quest :/

[ariyadaivaris]

hey ive been trying to figure out how to do this for awhile and since some anons have asked im gonna try 2 articulate my feelings about f*nn and this is not going to be very polite and im sorry, its nothing personal and if you have a perspective on him that i dont its fine and i absolutely get you and im glad you can enjoy that! i just wanted to try and work through how the fuck i feel about him and this is ultimately a pretty personal post and not a Manifesto on How F*nn Is Bad (i dont think he is, particularly, ftr), so like, if youre not interested which I CANNOT FAULT YOU FOR AT ALL, just know that its cool to go on! this isn’t trying to start shit or anything, i genuinely dont want to, im just writing this for Me, basically. its alright. 

thanks thats the intro done okay take care i love u

what...does f*nn have even. he’s good in the ring but he’s surrounded by people who are better. he doesn’t have a character. what motivates him? what the fuck is he even fighting for? what is his personality, even? he absorbs the storylines of everyone around him in any feud he does too often for him to be as underdeveloped as he is and yet we are here and WHY???

i mean. apollo. let’s look at apollo! apollo is similarly kinda underdeveloped character-wise and most of who he is comes from who he is irl, and people don’t really play characters up irl! but like. it’s not glaring in the same way f*nn is, because

1) apollo got called up SUPER SUPER EARLY in nxt where f*nn had YEARS to develop a character and still holds a spot as longest reigning nxt champion, and

2) apollo plays a support role! he’s not a main event player (which is fucking criminal in and of itself but thats another issue) and him being underdeveloped+not as fleshed out lends itself pretty well to him supporting people however they need support at the moment. it’s not Ideal but it works well for who he is in the context of story stuff, which is not the case for f*nn

(also 3 secretly but apollo’s moveset is actually really varied and interesting which f*nn’s is...not but that’s a subjective thing obviously lol)

like. f*nn is just. such a nothing of a wrestler. i’m sorry but genuinely i don’t know or understand what there is there. he doesn’t have a character besides...vagueing people on twitter until he gets what he wants and yes okay i know that’s not an entirely true unbiased thing to say and im sorry but also i dont think im exactly Wrong

(also about vaguing people on twitter i know that has something to do with how bad his 2017 booking was, i WON’T deny that, and multiple people are booked badly in dubya at once and they all deserve more than that, but also f*nn’s the only person who really got any rage on his behalf as far as i’ve seen and it’s definitely affected my feelings about that)

the only thing he’s got going for him is a storied history in new japan, which itself feels lacking in the ring, and which honestly...gets...a lot more credit than deserved (and mostly SOLO credit at that)? he DID create the bullet club but his bullet club was essentially an entire stable of Foreigner Heels. cheap heat. any story he told (and i only know that there was apollo 55, im unaware of any other feuds, so bear that in mind) feels so...like...secondary to that of anyone he worked with. he could be a support role and get away with being the white bread he is but GOD FORBID that should happen, and so he just engulfs the story of anyone around him and does nothing and it’s just

it’s disappointing and its boring and exhausting to see him get shot after shot after shot doing the same thing over and over again because He Can. i have nothing much against him, i think he’s petty and petulant and very...self-absorbed, like, not in an entirely bad way but in the sense that he buys a lot of his own hype? and its...off-putting. i don’t know him personally though obviously, that’s just how i feel about him based on what ive seen, but like, as a person, its whatever. i just can’t stand him as a wrestler or a character. he’s generic and unmotivated and so. NOTHING and it’s exhausting to watch and try to make something meaningful and enjoyable out of. especially juxtaposed with the miz rn, and even with s*th, who i hate but who at least HAS a personality even if it’s a genuinely awful one

not even going into the fan reception of f*nn vs anyone else who’s more deserving and interesting than he is, lmao, i’m bitter as anything about how f*nn is treated compared to the cruiserweights because NATURALLY and OBVIOUSLY i’m biased, you all know this, i don’t deny it, i cant say this comparison is all the way fair when im so so so FUCKING cwuisewweights, but like, the reaction to f*nn getting Beachballed vs any of the 205 dudes getting Beachballed was so heartbreaking in how much More he gets just for the name he’s got

i don’t know. i don’t know. i just think he’s such a nothing of a character, surrounded by people (taguchi, joe, kevin, hideo, FUCK IT, even s*th or like, fucking, KENNY, or the young bucks, or ANYONE) who really care about the character and story they have against him, and instead of being relegated to a supporting role where he’d be like, Worth anything, he’s thrust into whatever title picture or main event there is because He’s F*nn B*lor and it’s so...so much less talked about or acknowledged and for the life of me i don’t understand why. i don’t know what it is im missing

again, i don’t have much against him as a person, i personally don’t like how he acts but he doesn’t seem Proublematique in any way beyond...the foreigner heel stuff which is inherently built in anti-japan sentiment EVEN THOUGH that is strictly kayfabe afaik (though he does fucken. support the special olympics and did some Cool Trendy Straitjacket Entrances as prince nevitt and that is a very VERY personal thing i have against him) i guess that’s what matters. i just. ugh. im over it

i appreciate him being vocally supportive of queer fans but i don’t owe him for that and i still think it sucks that he, a (as far as i know) straight white dude, is getting the platform to do that instead of people who are actually queer and out in the same company. sonya isn’t getting this chance, and more blatantly, darren never got that chance. despite having the block the hate movement, and despite the fact that his coming out is what got him a face turn while it was ENTIRELY and COMPLETELY unacknowledged in the canon universe of wwe proper. like, i guess that’s not f*nn’s fault but there’s a common trend of men of color being pushed down to boost him up and it’s not the best. i don’t think that’s all his fault but i don’t like it

again this isn’t like, denouncing Liking F*nn, its fine! this isnt decrying everything about him, i don’t wanna fight about this, and if you like finn, sincerely i’m glad you can find something there to like and i hope you’re having a good time with him! and to boot i really DON’T know much about anything he did before dubya, and so i could very well be wrong about everything. like, calling the gullet blub just a Cheap Heat Stable? that interpretation could be and probably is wrong. i know that, and i know that’s probably gonna affect how i feel abt him, but also god i do not care even a bit enough to learn and i would rather die than look at pr*nce nevitt/gullet blub anything

i dont know. i hope this didnt come off as.......TOO shitty, i know this is a stupid and mostly impenetrable post, its alright, this is just me trying to work through this for myself and i promise its not like...a huge thing. thats all! thats all. im sorry if i worded this weird at all and i know my perspective isnt the best or most informed on this, but also i am very very tired of f*nn and i don’t think that’s an unfair thing to say

[in-paradox-space]

today I haven’t done anything. I’ve been down, anxious and lazy.

I want to get high with friends and do sesh things.

I want to draw in my notebook which got lost along with my drawing pens

and some other stuff

I left my bag in a taxi

I left basically all my convenient shit in that bag, chargers, some meds, my ps4 controller, more usb wires, more usb shit but its all really niche convenient techy shit

it isnt that niche but for “””””techies””””” and travelers alike (me) its really convenient

usb type c and micro usb chargers, otg cables, plug heads, usb 3.0 card readers which btw i can plug into my otg cable transferring torrented shit from my phone to a usb wherever i am

a tiny amount of oxy and codeine, 2 weeks worth of medicine roughly, plus some 5htp vitamins

hella baggies just because

probably makes the prescription medicine in there look suspicious

my beanie

and a small sketchbook, pocket sized

I’ve had it since the start of 2017.

I’ve been developing my very own abstract drawing style in that book for over a year.

Nothing valuable was lost. Luckily my camera&lens worth around a grand wasn’t in there

but its just all my convenient stuff

and what sucks most is losing that sketchbook

and as ive been home alone today

ive wanted all the shit in that bag

i can get over the stuff in there

but I want my sketchbook back

it has my address in there, my name, probably some contact details

I really hope they send it there. Even if they keep the other shit.

I may have left the bag in a taxi though. Usually I’d walk to the taxi place, then walk back. It’s like 2.5 miles in total which is a good thing for me because I like the walk

gets me outside,etc

but uh im anxious

honestly most likely because I fapped

I fap like once every one or two weeks. Nofap is no lie. I feel like shit the next few days afterwards

and uhhh

my neighbour moved out, which leaves his girlfriend in the apartment next door... if shes even his gf anymore???? i have no idea but theyre both moving apparently

well yeah i spoke to her boyfriend a lot, got on with him

but i barely know her

and i have no key to the front door of my apartment building, long frustrating story lol

lost my keys

i keep going to the same key cutter because i have no cash and they do free fixes when their own keys fuck up

they made one key cut work, my apartments, but the one to the front door doesn’t work

i dont want to ask her to open the front door, i dont want to knock on her door, its just

the word here is awkward but everything is awkward thats not really a reason

im just irrationally anxious. I feel like she doesn’t like me. There’s many reasons for her not to but also reasons for her to.

Either way I don’t want to annoy her

and it would just be awkward if she heard me try to open the door, then its locked and she hears that from her apartment

then she hears me go back up the stairs and not knock on her door

then that leaves us both in an awkward place

do i knock on her door, knowing there’s a 50/50 chance she heard my attempt to leave my own apartment building

then do that shit

or do i go back into my flat, knowing she probably heard me avoid her

she can put two and two together

hmmmmmmmmmmmm

then she may even knock on herself

with her nice smile which is actually pretty welcoming tbh

well tomorrow

yeah tomorrow i think oh well ill find out

im getting more medicine which i ordered since i ran out and lost mine

one that im able to live without for a week no problem, havent had it for a few days

im supposed to get a blood test every month on this medicine but its been 3 months

lets hope im aight

and uhhh

i need some kick out of this slump

i just keep lazing around

like i have so much i can be doing

like studying, making things for my pages

just hella shit which isnt even that laborious

like i make memes

thats my main thing

i have hella pages

its fun to make them 

i draw too

thats also one of my main things on the down low

but i keep putting it off

i play rythym games

analyze music

can be boring sometime but im under no pressure to do that

i make videos with my friend

god yeah i should do that

like my studying isnt that hard

i dont have to clean toilets every day

man  i just

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i want to get high on oxy and codeine for 2 weeks

but theres just a few a lot of problems with that:

money for one

thats 2 weeks out of my life

withdrawal from friends, having to hide that im back on the horse

then choosing between lying and telling the truth every time afterwards about the 2 weeks

then it wouldnt be as simple as just stopping would it?

maybe it would, sometimes i do just stop like its nothing

and what do i gain

but you know what

oxy might give me that kick

i just dont know the prices on the deepweb or how to use the deepweb

plus i dont have the money

but yeah i guess i feel like being withdrawn for 2 weeks

wouldnt mind doing some light opiates and reading homestuck

plus drawing 

then maybe cramming physics and maths work into literally every hour for a few days

im apparently having some xanax sent over by a friend

im having my doubts about that. it still hasnt arrived and he has reasons to not send them but still make me pay

this is my tumblr and nobody is fucking reading so yeah

but still drugs are mentioned, this is public and liable

id mention him but im just gonna say its the serious boyfriend of someone who got close to me

it fucked with him when it happened. idk how he feels about it now but hes polite to me

it could just be a polite front though, idk how he really feels

i actually really fucking admire the dude

a lot 

everything ive learned about him, from him and our mutual person has just been fucking exceptional

and thats on my mind every time she advanced on me

every time i invited it

every time i chose not to say no

hes a really great dude like i just

he could have beat me up that one time but he understood

he understood pretty much all times i think

and he opened up to me 

whether he sees it that way or not, i see it that way

id love to be his friend. maybe i will be even though this shit is in the air

but i think he may just be being polite, he probably hates me

but yeah

i like the dude

i dont want to fuck around with something that matters so much to him

when i honestly dont want to bother with her

shes admirably smart, very much so, but just not really the kinda person i want to spend more than an evening with

and i only want to be around her when she isnt drunk and in a good mood

shes so volatile i cant be doing with that

but thats why i commend him even more

hes stayed with her through it all and hes such a great person, in my eyes, to be in her life

and if hes gonna try to get cash from me this way then that sucks

like id probably just pay him if he asked considering how much hes forked out 

but nah hes gotta deceive me

i dont even wanna get into benzos, as nice as it is a few hours in,

i just dont like this memory fog

i dont remember any of it 

and the withdrawal seems fucking SCARY

plus tolerance and the fun wearing off when u get hooked

why couldnt he just sell me oxy lol

............. i may ask him

if i was doing oxy id probably actually get the fuck up

do the shit i wanna do

but yeah fuck that

thats basicslly all im saying

im getting anxious, low and unmotivated again

id call it dysthymia

[scorpioslut-blog1]

Social media, vices, drugs, intentions..again

On adderall. My chosen drug of preference right now. it makes me think, it makes me feel, it makes me express... i havent done it in like a week tho, so i'm sorta cracking out... bothering mila... thinking about life. I also just am always thinking, thinking so hard and about so much that I don’t even know what to do... and adderall makes me productive. it makes me feel, makes me think, makes me walk briskly and crave cigarettes and black coffee. my brother thinks i’m undiagnosed bipolar 1 and adhd, so maybe adderall was fated to be one of my many, many vices. which reminds me... i deleted instagram AGAIN, or my main account, just sort of disgusted with the distraction of it all... how i’m roaming these pages, even as an outsider, an outcast, a loner, comparing myself to everyone, being influenced by them... i dont really care about any of them... i mean i see wonderful people and wonderful things but i feel so detached, so isolated from everything and everyone. and i know i'm doing it to myself, but i dont really know how going back on instagram was supposed to help. i did it when i was lonely, and was stuck on there for a few weeks before it let me delete again. but i dont know. i guess i'm trying to live in the moment, in the real world, without the needs to broadcast everything or prove to people that i’m doing things and have friends and i'm beautiful and cool and all these things i used to care about. i just dont care, or am trying not to care, about how people perceive me. i feel like i dont, compared at least to a lot of people, but still, its this all consuming thing that ties into a lot of my concerns regarding the power of perception. and i’m just so angry. sooo angry at everybody, so angry at myself, i hate myself, i hate my family, i hate everything, and it isn’t fun. i wallow sometimes, i enjoy cigarettes and the smiths and being angry at the world but i dont know. today i missed a really important doctors appointment that, unlike most, wouldve been probably really useful and productive and instead i showed up fifteen minutes late (which is standard and not even that late) and they said i should reschedule but instead i didnt. afterwards i wanted to throw my skateboard off the second floor but i didnt, then i thought about throwing it down the stairs but i didnt. then i went outside and considered smoking a cigarette but i didnt. i instead walked back up the stupid hill i skated down in the rain just to make this stupid appointment and did all the things i'm supposed to do (after taking adderall). i went to the student store and stole a hydroflask, which felt really good, especially since i lost my old water bottle and thus my body and skin has literally suffered. then i went to walgreens and stole some black hair dye, which will give me something to do tonight besides all the responsibilities i'm perpetually neglecting. then i got a black coffee from strada (not a latte, because apparently adding any milk negates all the good shit coffee does for ur body, according to a random white guy in a dashiki i bought chips for outside of trader joes the other week). then i came to kroeber with the hopes of working on this project i'm pathetically half assing for sculpture, ran into mila, and have made him be the brunt of my adderall induced psychosis (not psychosis; using this word lightly). 

now i’m outside of kroeber because i wanted a cigarette, one of the few vices i’m not even attempting to mitigate at the moment. even though its not good for my skin and my stomach, two things i've been trying to really improve. the one thing i cant bring myself to do is get up and start my day and do all the motions of a regular person. i love sleep, and there’s nothing wrong with it, except i had been having a hard time going to bed at a decent hour for a while, so i got a dab pen which helps. all i've done the last week was sleep, though, and i'm enjoying it again. i can now go to bed early ish, if i try, which is good. i think i'm also getting better at thinking, which was the main reason, i believe, i was drinking. so i wasnt thinking so damn much. i've also tried not avoiding thinking of certain things, which i historically do, distracting myself with my social life and other people’s problems and my problems and boys i like and parties i’m going to. i dont worry too much about death anymore, which might be my greatest feat. i'm going through what i'm tell my friends is a quarter-life crisis, something they will understand when they turn 21. i think that’s a big part of it. i think a lot about where i am and what my twenties are supposed to mean, where i wanna be, the person i wanna be. i had a thought the other day that i had no sense of who i am. no sense of self or identity. especially after being consumed so heavily these past few years. i dont even remember the last year. i felt like i was floating through it. which i guess is the point of all my isolation and self punishment. i want to be present for my own fucking life. i think about the last year of my life and it just feels like i never digested it, realized my context in the world, outside of my house or my friends. which is the benefit of being alone. thinking, digesting, unpacking... but then i get so lonely and bored and unmotivated and then i just distract myself with television. which is so bad, but so good. i can think about these fake lives so much more, and not think about my life, or my lack of one. i dont want to feel bad for myself. but i guess i just want things that i'm not getting right now. i want friends i can laugh with and enjoy life with. i want things to look forward to, which come and go. i want love, i want someone to sleep with at night and cook with and watch tv with. i think a lot about the things that i've had, or when i had them. i had all these emotional, physical things with justin. and it’s been almost a year since i’ve had that. i had a sexual experience after thanksgiving, i went over to this guys house who is really nice and smart and a great but just terrible in bed. TERRIBLE. but he was a good cuddler, he’s really nice and respectful (i just dont want ANY sexual relations with him at all). i think i wanna be his friend. but it was really nice to have someone in bed with me. i think its also more hard when i see everyone around me in these beautiful relationships of all sorts, so happy and productive, even if everyones mentally i.ll too, they can sleep together and do things together... but i can do that too, by myself or with friends, which is what i'm trying to do. also not use other people as crutches, as reasons to get up or wake up early or eat food or have fun or socialize. after i get through this week or two of making up an entire semester’s worth of shit i didnt do, once i have free time which i simultaneously always yet never have, i want to love life by myself. i dont want to need adderall. but at this point i just wanna do anything that fixes things. i keep telling myself that if i just get through this and keep sticking to these changes I'll be happier. my new life will cost my old one. but then the pattern tells me that i need to stop hiding from who i'm meant to be. so i dont know what to do... i know i'm a social creature, i love people and connections, but i hate everyone, i'm sick of loving and giving, i'm trying to be intentional and waring and careful with my relationships but i'm just so lonely and bitter. i'm driving everyone away, killing the few relationships i do have, i hang with bree and like her a lot but like she pointed out, thats because we live together, not that i dont like her but i'm forced to socialize with her which is good but also i should want to socialize with other people. i think going home will be great for me. connect with people. i dont want to tell people how lonely i am but i am. and itl be really nice to spend time with the people who matter to me over there. about this whole not-present-in-my-own-life-for-a-year thing, i havent really been there on the east coast. like i want to be there. i was there for so long, and i thought this place would be my home, but now i'm wondering. i think also its realizing that its me, not where i am, so i need to fix me. and i'm trying to fix myself but also, at what point do i need help? how do i get that help? i know it sounds easy, my mother says so, i just call and make these appointments. but then its just so hard to do, hard to establish these schedules and hard to get there or even want to go, and money, so i dont know. i want to take a semester off but thats not gonna happen. i want to stay but i want to go. i want to get better, but i dont want to fall into the same patterns. i want to break the pattern. i want to stop floating through my own life. i want to be productive, successful, functioning, and I want to be that fun time, that fun funny beautiful person i know i am, but i dont want to be destructive or toxic to myself or others. i want to love myself, i want to be that person i used to be. i want to be as brave and confident and sexy and interesting and mysterious as people perceive me to be, but i feel like none of those things. i dont want to shower because i dont want to look down at my body. i want to get dressed and feel good about my appearance in the morning but i just always feel so ugly and insecure and uncomfortable, and i know i wasnt always like this, sometimes i am, but i wonder if i was just faking it, and i think in many ways i was. i know growth and self improvement is not linear and not always an upwards trajectory and i am trying, but it just almost feels like I'll never be that person again, and i want to. i want to go back in time. i want to always be doing things and having fun, but i know i cant. i know i cant because its not sustainable, its self destructive, its destructive to others, and that is how i became a commodity. i became something to consume and distract and give and create fun and introduce and party with and take pictures of and with. it makes me sick. it makes me sick how people want to be me or be with me or theorize on me and my personhood and think of the ways in which i serve them, how i'm always up and happy and fun and if i'm not then i did them wrong, or i'm wrong, or i'm mad, or i'm rude. i dont like how people want things from me, how i'm always performing, always pretending. i dont like how people dont want to understand how complex people are, but then again maybe its only in regard to me. then its my fault for creating this persona, feeding into it, allowing and encouraging them to take from me, its not that theyre taking but its that i'm giving, so i dont want to give anymore. i'm sick of giving and giving then being painted the devil. i dont like trying to be this or that or hoping for this or that. so i'm not giving anymore. which hurts me, i want to give, i want to love and create and bring together. but i think about how i surround myself with beautiful people and things, hoping that if i am surrounded in beauty that it will make me beautiful. i fetishize everything, everything fetishizes me. i like to be looked at but i hate when people look at me. i want everything to be about me, but i am nothing. this is not a movie, this is real life, people die, people take drugs, people hurt, we hurt each other, the world is unfair and fucked up and some peoples likes just arent supposed to be easy. i know i'm grateful, and i'm trying to be more grateful and appreciative and exist in this life. i am thankful for my parents, but i'm mad, and i cant even vocalize or express in the ways that i want to. i cant say anything real without crying. i'm not even particularly more sad than usual, i think i'm just depressed and lonely. which i've been many times before. anyway, i'm trying to take advantage of everything around me, like i'm supposed to. i want to go to dolores and bask in the sunlight, i want to enjoy being with people but not be the entertainer. i want things to feel natural and effortless but i want to be intentional so bad, i want to be thoughtful and intentional with words and actions and situations i put myself in. like when i hooked up with that boy, i didnt want to, i didnt know how to say i just didnt want to. when i actually am invited somewhere and i socialize i want to enjoy it without drinking or drugs but i cant. i had a nice day the other day, me and my room mate and her mans and her friend who’s my friend who i love dearly and is really awesome, we all went to sutro baths and had a grand old time, a great day, we went to an estate fair and a coffee shop and we went to sutro baths then got vietnamese food, it was lovely. i want more days like that. it felt nice to socialize, be with a group of friends, having fun, being young. i want that balance, i want to focus on my career and studies and interests, i even want more days like today. i failed miserably but i took adderall and did some things in between before it hit and now i'm writing my feelings, which feels absolutely amazing. i'm on my 4.5th cigarette today, but like i said, one allowed vice in the place of many. i want to do things, to be functional, to live in this moment with full presence and action.

[perksofbeingcindy]

My Yearly Update !

Hello, to anybody out in the universe who might or might not be reading this. Well.. another entire year went by since I made my last post on here, so not much progress, eh? Listen, I am clearly terrible at this. And I don’t even know why, because I do really enjoy it, but as with everything else, I can’t seem to ever find the motivation to remain constant with it. Will I ever finish anything??!!

Anyways, let’s keep the ball rolling. To be quite honest with you, the past couple of months have been a total blur and emotional rollercoaster. Way too much has happened during this past year for me to try and make a month-to-month review like last time, therefore I will try to just sum up the main points.  Education Let’s rip the band aid off and begin with school. Well, I totally blew it with the whole passing classes aspect of school. To the point where I’m currently on probation. As of right now, I’m doing alright in all of classes, but I MUST pass both math classes I’m taking at SDSU or else it’s bye bye education. At least for an entire year. Which would really suck ass because we already know how I am with the whole picking things up again that I left unfinished. Aka I better fucking pass. Besides that, nothing much has changed. Still stress to the point of breaking down. Kinda feel one of those episodes creeping in but we chill. we out here.

Workwise  I got a second job! I need a constant change of scenery or else I get bored and unmotivated to keep on going. Therefore, I decided to spice up my life a little and applied to be a tutor at my community college’s tutoring center. I managed to get the job about 2 months ago, and so far it’s been pretty alright! Unfortunately though, I am not getting as many hours as I’d like to, because I’m kinda in a tight money situation right now, but environment-wise it’s pretty great. It feels good to breath a little from the high school environment, and kinda of makes me consider going for my masters sooner than planned, in order to teach at a community college part time while simultaneously working my high school job. Would that drive me insane? Probably. But anyways, that’s at least  good 5 years away in the future. So, one step at a time porfavor. I also applied in order to have more experience teaching a different array of people, in order to build up my resume. And well, in order to meet more people! It’s nice to make #demcontacts at the high school I’m working at, but I wanted to make new acquaintances that are closer to my age, and I think I’m doing a pretty good job at that so far, so hopefully that keeps up! I’ll be attending my first workshop in a couple of weeks, so I’m excited to get to meet more tutors that work for the center. ngl, there’s one particular tutor who I’d like to get to know better, so let’s hope that happens ;)

Photography  Ok this particular area in my life is where I advanced the most during the last year. After I got that little photogig last August, I got to work two other times for that same family, therefore I’m practically their unofficial official photographer haha. I’ve also gotten to shoot not only 1, but TWO weddings since then! which is hella crazy to me because I didn’t picture myself doing that for a while. The beginning of this year was pretty quiet in this area of my life, but once May came around, graduations also came around. Amy came through again and recommended her friend to work with me for her SDSU grad pics!! So after that, I decided to promote myself on the local fb groups and managed to work on like 6 other shoots in the span of one month, which was a pretty huge deal to me. I was super busy that month but I didn’t even mind because I was having the time of my life. It was then that I realized that I wanted to start working more on my portraits, and therefore I did. Another local photographer gave me the chance to work with her for a collab, and it was definitely one of the best experiences of my life up to now. I am still so content with how those photos came out, and still have so many of them to show to the world. That also happened in June, and I got the chance to work with her again in September for another amazing collab. It involved driving to laguna beach, which was already beautiful on its own, and we took photos of models in wedding dresses on the beach. Definitely my favorite photos I’ve created to this date. I really hope that she gives me the chance to work with her again in the future. After that, I had a shoot for a quince during mid-october which also went pretty nicely. We drove to Lake Cuyamaca and it was really nice there. it REALLY made me wanna keep driving further in, in order to experience colorful trees. Unfortunately, I will probably not be able to this year. And well that brings us to now. I have many shoot ideas/concepts that I’d love to bring to life before the year ends, but for that I need models. I’m still working on my people skills so honestly just accomplishing one of my ideas would be incredible. Lets hope that gets to happen. I also really truly wanna shoot for The Regrettes!! They’re coming back to SD and I won’t forgive myself if I miss them again. Shooting for them but just be a huge cherry on the top.

Lifewise I have not been feeling the best lately and I’m not too sure why. I think it’s just every little thing going wrong in my life is just piling up and waiting to spill aka for me to have a breakdown. It’s a little overdue so I’m kinda just preparing for it to happen. I’ve been super tense lately and I don’t know how to relax. Money is an issue right now, or else I would’ve flown somewhere to get away for a little but but since that can’t happen right now, I kinda just have to suck it up. It’s ok though. In general, this year has included some of the highest peaks of my life, like finally meeting my bae Michael Clifford!! but its also been full of many stressful moments and therefore it’s just been wack. I’m excited for this to be over. I need a fresh start. Oh, I also finally bought a planner for this academic year and I’ve actually been keeping up with it to the best of my ability so that’s a huge thing for me. I also celebrated 1 year of being vegetarian not so long ago so that felt nice. And that’s pretty much it. Well, I think thats a pretty alright summary of how my life’s been for the past year or so. Since I now have a planner, I will try my best to schedule Monthly blog posts, in order to be able to better describe what’s going on. I like reminiscing but most importantly, I like to look back at how much I’ve grown during the months/year. Sometimes it’s truly the hardest thing in the world to motivate myself to keep moving forward. Like what’s the point, right? well, after looking back and seeing how much I’ve accomplished since the last post, it feels pretty darn good. So, thank you past me. Now, future me, I hope that you managed to keep growing even more by the time you read this. Thank u. 

[bangkok-dangerous]

big sad ramble time. MAN im at one of those points where the only inkling of a feeling of emotion or sincerity within me can only be evoked by these tacky nostalgic songs 

like simple and clean and other sappy anime stuff. these past few days its like ive almost gone out of my way to burn bridges or at the very least appear like i dont want to be around anyone, and for all i know thats actually true.

i just cant see past this idea that everything everyone (including me) does is motivated by selfishness, be it fun, an ego boost, or their own sense of satisfaction for “helping” out their friend who obviously isnt having fun. i think i got invited to a friends house at near midnight just so they could have enough people to play pictionary. i was only otherwise ignored or treated like a punchline and an incapable idiot with no drive, which in my mind is the least true thing someone could ever assume about me. ive spent about 4 years now teaching myself 3d modelling, animation and drawing, on top of dabbling in programming and youtubing, and it pisses me off so much when these cunts who think theyre my friends just dismiss it because im so uninterested in participating in their shitty game and conversations that they mistake me for being an easy target.

right now i so badly want to feel sincerity and believe that there are people who are inherently positive and willing to help others and just have a fun time, and i want to believe that im capable of that too, but i just cant. even people who behave altruistically and characterise themselves with being kind and caring are just after the good-chemicals boost of being able to tell themselves that theyre a good person.

what really sucks right now is that theres so little i can do about this but wait it out for about a month until uni starts and ill ideally be too busy or overwhelmed to bother thinking about how terrible i and the people around me are. right now i have maybe 2 friends that i actually want to spend time with, while the rest are boring, unmotivated, shitty ‘friends’. There were so many things i wouldve liked to do in the 6 fucking months weve all had off school like go to the beach, watch movies together, do more podcasts and other youtube shit but my 5 or so ‘hangout’ friends are such boring ‘gamer’ dudes that they either dont want to go out or dont find us fun enough as a group to do outdoors stuff with, and I hate that. I want to be around people who are as fun and motivated as i am, but just being around these people is so depressing and draining because all they do is play counterstrike, go to work, sometimes go to a shitty club, and thats it. i just cant muster the energy to organise stuff like this and invite them just for it to either end up boring or for it to fall apart and never happen.

ive tried reaching out to 2 friends about this who i thought would understand and be able to either convince me that good people are real or at least that i can trust them, but it comes up with nothing. they have nothing to say about it other than that my feelings are valid probably. ive always tried so hard to be a good friend, someone who is endless fun and jokes but can always put shit on the shelf to listen and be supportive when needed... and for nothing. the friends ive done so much with, tried so hard to keep together and keep active has just fizzled out into complacency. Im down to the one friend who ive had since year 8. it started with the two of us and now its ending like that too. even then it might just be a matter of time until we finalyl get to know each other well enough that we cant stand each other. ill get too clingy and then come to notice and be annoyed by every single one of his flaws.

its so hard to look back on my childhood and teenhood because i did so fucking little with it, and most of the cool things werent my choice. i didnt have a cool set of childhood friends to run around with on weekend and ride our bikes and play video games together. i didnt have a family that watched movies together or a dad who i could watch while he played SNES games. i didnt even own any of the GOOD ps2 nostalgia games like kingdom hearts, sotc, and any final fantasy. instead of pokemon and FLCL i watched the same 3 episodes of beyblade and whatever shitty french/australian/canadian cartoons the ABC could license.

I barely made any significant/lasting amount of friends in high school. i went in feeling invisible and assumed the guys and girls didnt like me so i acted accordingly... like an angry antisocial cunt. i just rode the current of the same friendship groups melting and molding into other ones over several years, never bothering to make real connections or interests with people outside of my small group. i went out of my way to avoid doing the extracurricular activities that wouldve helped me make friends in my school. joining a band, a club, even just bothering to participate in mandatory sports. i was so miserable and lazy and just like now took comfort in my artistic skill and determination to one day make it all worth it. to be fair i had better friends and we had plenty of fun sleepovers and whatnot, but i still feel like i missed out on so much in those first 4 years of bullshit.

anyway ill edit this if i have more shit i want to complain about but rn i started a preety cool drawing so imma do that peace