#the Internalized Shame is real. at least when it's a guy i dont feel like a fucking creeper weirdo. i should just be euthanized.

[wormchaser]

texted him because im evil

[ceilidho]

coworker soap who frames the fleshlight thing as a joke but with a creepy undercurrent that you cant understand why you know it isnt a joke but you also dont wanna rock the boat so you dont tell hr bc johnny the ex-military man is a model employee otherwise and you cant help but feel hot shame run down ur spine when he says it that you are, at least a little, flattered by it bc shit dude hes HOT. coworker soap who just. doesnt bring it up again. its just boiling rhe frog. he says weird, borderline creepy shit that could be passed off as "guy talk" in any other situation (regardless of readers gender). He follows you around like a puppy and where it used to be normal for you, you feel a little creeped out now but. everyone. already refers to you as a duo. itd be weird if you stopped for no reason? right?

i don't know what broke in my mind long ago that this is like, the weirdly hottest thing in the world to me but im genuinely twitching over it right now.

model employee Johnny, knows the handbook inside and out, walks elderly customers to their cars with their bags, shows up to work early for every shift, always with a smile and a positive attitude. management loves him because his sales are also record high (i mean, it makes sense - i wouldn't be able to say no if he was helping me with a purchase and tried to upsell me). he's also a spokesperson for the company in all of their internal training videos because he was hired through some "jobs for vets" program that they just rolled out (idk i'm making this up). and the guy can stack things on a shelf like no one's business lmao like MILITARY precision/organization.

all your coworkers love him and genuinely like fist pump whenever they get put on the schedule with him because he's a blast to work with, and some of your coworkers are actually incredibly jealous that he just seems to follow you around everywhere. hangs off your every word. always seems to just pop out from around the corner whenever you're having trouble reaching something on a shelf.

but he says weird, uncomfortable shit to you sometimes. way over the line. you don't even know what to say at first when Johnny jokingly tells you that he has a fleshlight at home that he's named after you, just laughs and then stares at you for a second. and you like, give a little awkward laugh, growing more uncomfortable by the second the longer he stares at you without blinking. until something passes over his eyes and suddenly he's back to normal, clapping you on the arm and wandering off back to the men's apparel section.

he does a lot of strange shit actually. maybe insists on walking you to your car when the two of you are on the closing shift and it's well into the evening. laughs a little too hard and with too much vigour when someone calls him your shadow, his eyes just a little too bright and fervent. asks if you want to sit on his lap while he shows you how to use the forklift in the backroom. begs management to let him take his breaks with you and doesn't let you have a moment of peace, just sits with you in the breakroom or follows you to your car when you say that you're going out for lunch.

and you can't complain to any of your coworkers because the second you so much as criticize his work, they bark at you to be nice to him. he's just re-acclimating to civilian life, of course he's not perfect at his job yet. they defend him viciously. and the real jealous ones even tell on you in front of him, leaving you standing there embarrassed and on the spot until Johnny just smiles and says that it's alright. you'll just have to teach him better.

[theultimatefanficwriter]

Pride Month Headcanons!

So its Pride Month! And as a proud member of the alphabet mafia I wanna give my opinion on all the Danganronpa characters' sexualities! So let's go, starting with THH!

Trigger Happy Havoc

Makoto Naegi- Pansexual. I'm under the belief all protags are Pan. Transgender(ftm). So I have this whole hc that the reason his door was jammed was that the lock was quickly removed when they found out SHE was actually a HE and I just like the hc lol.

Sayaka Maizono- Straight. I just think she has a big thing for Makoto, but other than that she cares for her career more than a relationship.

Leon Kuwata- Bisexual, heavy female leaning. I ship him with Hiro, but honestly this fucker would probably take forever to admit he likes guys.

Chihiro Fukisaki- Gay. Dont really have a reasoning. Just my opinion lol

Mondo Oowada- Bisexual. He mentions trying to confess to girls, but come on. This guy is fruity for Taka.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru- Gay. This dude meanwhile is just straight homo. He's probably closeted in fear it would bring shame to his family name again.

Hifumi Yamada- Straight. I honestly dont think about the guy enough to give this enough thought, but the way he simps over Celeste proves he likes girls at least. Plus he kept calling Alter Ego she, so...yeah.

Celestia Ludenberg- Straight. Honestly I think she'd be homophobic? Idk i really dislike Celeste, sorry 😅 She just gives me those vibes.

Sakura Oogami- Bisexual. I wanna label her as lesbian, but Kenshiro exists 😒 Women leaning possibly

Kyoko Kirigiri- Bisexual. Though i dont personally ship her with any girls, I can see her going both ways.

Byakuya Togami- Gay. And it's a problem with his family, so he's closeted.

Yasuhiro Hagakure- Pansexual. He just wants to love someone, man lmao.

Aoi Asahina- Bisexual. Again, wanna label her as lesbian, but the Bad End exists, showing she willingly got with three guys. And she does ask Makoto to pretend to be her bf. But she leans heavily towards females imo.

Toko Fukawa/Genocide Jill- Bisexual. It was straight until she met Komaru. Then she realized "Oh shit. I'm gay." But she still has a small thing for Byakuya ig 😒

Mukuro Ikusaba- Straight. We pretend the thing with her sister doesnt exist, alright?

Junko Enoshima- Straight. And definitely homophobic.

Wow a lot of bi peeps lol. Alright, onto the next game!

Goodbye Despair

Hajime Hinata- Pansexual. Again all protags are Pan. Fight me, prove me wrong you literally cant.

Ultimate Imposter- Panromantic, Nonbinary, Asexual. Though I call Imposter he a lot, I think it's almost canon they're nonbinary. I just have stupid brain and type he first without thinking. I also dont really have a reason for thinking they're asexual? I just think they are. But they're probably panromantic in order to fit their talent better.

Teruteru Hanamura- Pansexual. He's so painfully pan. He even says his options are, and I quote, "pretty open." Dis bitch gay.

Mahiru Koizumi- Lesbian. Dont think I gotta explain myself.

Peko Pekoyama- Bisexual. She's totally dating Fuyuhiko, but I can see her having small crushes on other girls.

Hiyoko Saionji- Lesbian. Also dont think I need to explain myself.

Ibuki Mioda- Bisexual. RAGING bisexual. Also I can honestly see her being Gender Fluid as well.

Mikan Tsumiki- Bisexual. She honestly needs therapy more than she needs a relationship, and she probably doesnt really understand her own labels completely, but I think shes bi.

Nekomaru Nidai- Bisexual. Homeboy was a little TOO eager to be rubbed down by Teruteru 😏 Just kidding, though I do think Nekomaru is bi. No real reason honestly

Gundham Tanaka- Bisexual. He obviously has a thing for Sonia, and in a perfect world(i.e. my perfect world) he would be holding hands with Kazuichi daily. Speaking of holding hands he basically breaks Hajime's in the FTEs. Gay 🥰

Nagito Komaeda- Gay. He's very obviously gay coded, mostly towards Hajime though I dont personally ship that.

Chiaki Nanami- Pansexual. She loves everyone equally. Honestly she probably doesnt put too much work on her labels and would probably go by any pronouns as well, so maybe Gender Fluid?

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu- Bisexual. Like Leon I think it would take him a while to accept he likes guys, and he probably leans towards girls more, but he's definitely fruity lol.

Sonia Nevermind- Pansexual. Our girl fucks. She dont care who, she just FUCKS. 🤣 But seriously, I think she just sees love as love. As she should.

Kazuichi Souda- Gay. Transgender, (ftm). He's so very closeted, so badly even he doesnt recognize it. He probably even has internalized homophobia, probably because of his father. Not sure why I hc him as trans, I just think it fits.

Akane Owari- Straight. She probably doesnt think about it much. All she knows is she likes fighting, meat, and Coach Nekomaru.

Alright and onto the last game!

Killing Harmony

Shuichi Saihara- Pansexual, Transgender(ftm). Its. THE RULE. I didnt make it. Sue me. Also fuck it I dunno I think it fits with his whole character if he were trans. Hard to explain lol

Rantaro Amami- Biromantic, Asexual. I admittedly dont know much about Rantaro, but from what I do know, I think he would fit well with just about anyone. I dont have much of a reason for him being Ace.

Kaede Akamatsu- Pansexual. She was the protagonist first, so the rule still applies lol. But even beyond that it just fits her. Hard to explain, it just seems like it works.

Ryoma Hoshi- Straight, Asexual. I know on my ship list I said I shipped him with Gonta, but theres a reason that ship was so low. I heavily think Ryoma is straight. It's just the vibe I get from him. Maybe hes bi curious, but idk. As for the ace bit, it's really dark. I hc it's because of the trauma he endured during prison.

Kirumi Tojo- Lesbian. Idk I look at her and I think "Lesbian power. Powerful wlw moments." Dont ask me my brain just does things.

Angie Yonaga- Pansexual. She always seemed like she was flirting with Himiko and lowkey Tenko, and in the FTEs she straight up wants to get married to Shuichi so like....I dunno what you want me to say.

Tenko Chabashira- Lesbian. Literally no explanation needed.

Korekiyo Shinguji- Pansexual. Putting aside the....obvious....he finds all of humanity beautiful, so he most likely doesnt have a preference when it comes to choosing a partner. Just like with Mukuro we pretend that entire plotline never happened.

Miu Iruma- Pansexual. I see her as pretty open to everyone....Yeah. That's all I got.

Gonta Gokuharu- Bi-curious. Honestly I dont think Gonta knows what he is himself. He probably hasnt given it too much thought, if hes given it any. The best I can think of is bi-curious, assuming hes currently exploring his sexuality.

Kokichi Ouma- Gay. I dont ship him with anyone cause I personally think he'd be a bad partner to anyone he got with based off of his personality, but yeah. He gay lmao.

Kaito Momota- Pansexual. THE LUMINARY OF THE STARS IS FOR EVERYBODY! Probably took a while for him to admit he wasnt straight, but then he admitted it with his whole heart, precious thing.

Tsumugi Shirogane- Straight. Fuck I dunno I dont think about her in a positive light enough to care. Sorry I really tried 😅

Kiibo- Panromantic, Genderfluid, Asexual. Like Imposter, I've called Kiibo he all the time, including every story I put them in, but technically they have no gender. So that does make them nonbinary, but at the same time it leaves the opportunity for them to go by any pronoun they want, so I hc they go by all of them lol. I also think they just love everyone, and for the ace bit, unfortunately, robots probably dont have dicks 😔 Even if they did, I dont think he would be very interested in sex.

Himiko Yumeno- Lesbian. Despite her treatment of Tenko, her reaction at the end of chapter 3 shows she cared for her, and Angie. She probably loved them both, so, lesbian for sure.

Maki Harukawa- Straight. Kaito was probably her first ever crush, so I doubt she ever had a chance to feel out if she was anything other than straight. Even disregarding that, I dont think she'd be anything else.

Alright and those are my headcanons for all the Danganronpa characters! As a bonus, I think Komaru Naegi is a Lesbian! No real reason other than Tokomaru is top tier lol.

Now remember these are my opinions! If you dont agree that's fine! Just be kind!

And HAPPY PRIDE EVERYONE! 🥰🏳️‍🌈

[samwinchestersgf]

sam winchester - jealous

summary: based off “jealous” by labrinth.

warnings: angst. sad. horrible decisons. drunk!y/n. arguing. fluff. a little bit of smut if you squint.

———————————————————————

sam winchester’s point of view.

you’re soaked.

you’re soaked and you’re twirling around in the middle of the wet field. the heavy raindrops dance across your skin and drip down your face. they trace every crevice of your face. they brush against your cheeks. your clothes cling to you in the most inprobable places.

i’m jealous of the rain.

it’s closer than my hands have been. the only part of you i think i’ve ever touched is your hair. it was soft, and smelled good. as i sit here watching you, i wish i could trickle through your hair like the raindrops do.

i'm jealous of the rain

you rakes your hands through your hair with one hand, while using the other to run the blow dryer up and down your locks. your faced turns into one of mischief and determination within a split second, and you turn toward me. the dryer is pointed at me, blowing hot air in my face.

“put your hands up,” you giggle.

i snort, “you caught me.”

“that’s what you get for watching me, creep.” you joke.

i want to tell you that i just can’t help it. you’re so intoxicating. just the sight of you makes me feel high. you pull me toward you, like gravity pulls bricks down to the ground. even your small, mundane tasks make me estatic.

“you just look pretty.” i tell you.

i can tell by your face that you don’t believe me. you think i’m being nice. i’m not just being nice. you’re stunning. “yeah. okay.”

the frigid air blows at you so fiercely that i think you might float away. you thinks it’s funny. i think it’s adorable how you can laugh at the smallest things. you find joy in nature trying to, quite literally, ambush you. thats one of my favorite things about you. you can make light of even the worst situations.

i’m jealous of the wind.

it ripples through your clothes. it makes yoj laugh without fail every time a big gust of it comes hurdling toward you. you force your eyes shut when they start to sting from the pressure. i take the moment to take a real good glance at you and mentally capture the moment. the wind is pressing up against you, and it’s closer than your shadow.

oh, i'm jealous of the wind.

everytime we go out to random bars, i wish you the best of luck finding a man who’s worth your time. i really mean it. you deserve the best of all this world can give.

“i’m so sorry to bail on you. it’s just... he’s really cute.” you smile awkwardly. “please forgive me.”

“there's nothing to forgive.” i smile back, waving you off.

the next morning, you walk in and gently closes the door. your face is bright pink, and you’re smiling. i look up at you, pretending that i havent been watching the door all night in anticipation.

“so..?”

i know what i want you to say. i want you to be torn up over how sleezy and horrible and rude he was. i want this to make you realize that the only one who could treat you right is me.

“i’m not one to kiss and tell, but...” you bite your lip.

i sigh, and put on a fake smile. “oh, i see.”

“yeah. he was really nice.” you shrug.

“did you get his number?” i ask, internally cursing at myself for letting jealousy slip into my tone. it’s hard for me to admit, but i’m jealous of the way you’re happy without me.

“no.” you shake your head. “we both agreed for it to be a one night thing.”

my heart swells a little bit. “oh, okay.”

another day, another town, another case, another bar, and another empty backseat of the impala on our drive home. i lean my head against the window.

“sam, you really need to get laid or something.” dean teases.

i respond with a grunt.

he scoffs, “i’m serious! what’s stopping you?”

i have to lie. it’s not like i can just outright tell him that i’m too consumed by my own jealousy to do anything. especially if i’m jealous of that random man in the bar that y/n went home with. i only saw him for a second.

“nothing, i guess.”

i stare up at the ceiling while i lay in bed. i’m jealous of every night that i don’t spend with you. i let my mind wonder. where are you; what are you doing?

who are you laying next to?

you walk through the door, and like always, you’re in too good of a mood for me to assume that nothing happened. we make small talk, and you sit across from me as we research the case.

you shut your laptop and clear your throat. “sam?”

“yeah?” i look up, startled by your voice.

“what do you think about hunters dating each other?” you swallow.

i shrug. “hunters dating in general is... not always the smartest idea, i guess.”

“yeah, but, that doesn’t mean it couldn’t work.” you reach.

“i mean, i guess it could but, it’s never really been a good idea in the past, so there’s no reason to start now, you know?” i answer.

“yeah, right...” you go quiet.

another night, another bar, another- you know the drill. i’m starting to get bitter. being jealous is never fun, especially when it’s this intense, and goes on for this long.

another morning, you’re smiling. you dont talk as much, or maybe you do, i’m not sure. i’m distracted by your pretty smile.

at the bar that night, you drink a lot. you’re not normally a heavy drinker. you’ll have one or two, just for a small buzz, but i’ve never really seen you drunk. now, you’re getting there.

“sammmmmmmm.”

“hm?” i ask.

“i wanna go homeeeeee.” you draw out your words.

“wow, are you breaking your streak of never sleeping in the same bed twice in a row?” i tease. “or are you going home with someone else?”

“i’m drunk.” you admit.

“you are.” i nod.

“but i’m not drunk enough to lose all common sense.” you continue.

“okay, and?” i tilt my head.

“i know i don’t wanna go home with a stranger.” you tell me.

“okay then.” i nod.

you finish, “i wanna go home with you.”

i laugh, and tell myself you mean it literally. you literally want me to take you home, not sleep with you. “okay, let’s go.”

once we’re at the motel, you sit next to me on the bed. i raise my eyebrows, but brush it off. you’re drunk. you stare at me for a while, and i try to ignore it, but it eventually gets to me.

“y/n, are you okay? you look like you’re about to-“

your lips smash into mine. they taste like beer and cherries and i don’t think i’ll ever want to pull away. having you pressed up against me is more addicting than i ever couldn’t imagined.

“we shouldn’t be doing this.” i mutter when i pull away.

“sam, i’m in love with you.” you argue.

“you’re drunk out of your mind.” i respond. “this... this is wrong.”

your face turns red from embarrassment as you stand up. “you’re right. i should go.”

“y/n, no-“

you’re already up and out the door. i punch the bed. god, im so stupid. i should’ve made it more clear that i wanted to do it as much as you did. now you’re gone, and you think i hate you.

i call you. i call you 10 times and text you twice as much. you don’t answer. they all go straight to voicemail.

i can’t sleep. i can’t sleep because i’m worried about you. your location’s off on your phone. i, once again, don’t know where you are or who you’re with. it’s all my fault.

when the sun finally peeks about the horizon, my phone rings. i pick it up instantly. i doesn’t even finish ringing once.

“y/n, where are you?!” i ask frantically.

“it doesn’t matter. look, i’m sorry about last night.” you deflect.

“no, no. we need to talk about last night. i-“

“we really don’t. i get it, sam. i shouldn’t have tried to make a move on you. you said that hunters shouldn’t ever date because it’s stupid, and i should’ve listened.” you apologize.

“y/n, thats not what i meant.” i deny.

“seriously, you dont have to lie to spare my feelings. i understand.” you swallow. “i have to go.”

you hang up the phone. i run my hands through my hair. i have to fix this. this is going worse than i ever thought it could. sadly, i can’t do anything until you come back.

and, oh, you come back.

the door opens. you don’t look at me, and i respect your embarrassment. i watch you as you talk to dean about the case and ignore me. i know you know i’m looking at you.

dean leaves to get food. you beg to go with him, but he makes you stay. we sit on opposite sides of the room. you stare at your phone, but i know you’re not doing anything on it because there’s a window behind you, and i can see the reflection of your black screen.

“y/n, i know it’s embarrassing, but we need to talk.” i sigh.

“can you please stop?” you snap.

“huh?”

“i get it, you don’t like me. i’m not your type; i’m like your sister; hunters shouldn’t date. rubbing salt in the wound isn’t making it better, okay?” you raise your voice.

“y/n, i never said that.” i explain.

you don’t let me finish. “you know what, we should forget it. i was drunk and horny and i didn’t mean it.”

“what, so that meant nothing to you?” i feel the shame and anger rise inside me.

you hesitate, “no.”

“of course it didn’t.” i let slip.

“excuse me?” you raise your eyebrows.

“of course it didn’t matter to you, y/n! you’re out every night with a different guy, and i was just one of them, wasn’t i?” i yell.

“are you calling me a slut?!” you accuse.

“did i say that?” i groan.

“you’re insinuating it, sam. i’m not dumb. if you have suchna problem with me going out and having fun, then maybe you should say something about it instead of just letting me do it.” you argue.

“why should i? i don’t care.” i rebuttal.

“i know you don’t, that’s the problem. you don’t care about anybody but yourself.” she spits.

“that’s not true, and we both know it.” i shake my head.

“maybe it wasn’t, but now it is. everything’s all about mister sam winchester.” you declare.

“at least i don’t try to sleep with every guy who gives me an ounce of attention. i thought you were smarter than that, y/n.” i shout.

“i wouldn’t have to if my best friend pulled his head out of his ass and give a damn about anyone but himself.” you respond.

i narrow my eyes. “don’t blame me for your problems.”

“why shouldn’t i? you’re the reason i even started doing that.” your voice cracks the tiniest bit.

“what?”

“i started sleeping with all those guys because you don’t like me, and i’m in love with you, and i needed something to get my mind off of you.” you get quieter.

“you’re in love with me?” i ask quietly.

your eyes tear up. “yeah. its a dumb decision, i know. thats why im leaving.”

“no, don’t-“

“i have to, okay? i cant just... be around you like this anymore. it’s killing me.” i can tell you’re not lying. its tearing you up instead.

i watch as you slip through my hands and try to keep it together. i don’t want to cry. i don’t know what to do. taking a leap of faith, i walk across the room and lay my hand on your shoulder. i turn you around and cup your face, pushing our faces together.

you lean up into the kiss and i’m tasked with keeping you up on your toes. that gets exhausting, so i direct you over to the bed and lay you down. things get more and more intense, and close is never close enough.

“stay.” i breathe against your skin.

“i will.” you respond quietly.

[notcanoncompliant]

I Never Doubted (pt. 1)

(first Starkercest woo)(it’s not going to be as long as I was thinking, but here’s the first 2,320 words)

I totes wrote this for @silkystark (I hope you like it! <3) and I know I always say I’ll have something done in like a day and then it takes me a week or longer...but I actually do have a part 2 already partially written and I promise (like, full pinky-promise, heart-crossing, needles-in-eyes promise) it will be up by tomorrow evening at the LATEST.

ANYWAY I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS FIRST BIT *hides under a blanket*

@plsstopgivingpetertrauma​ @tightaroundthewebslinger​ @readysetstarker​ @the-amazing-spidertwink​ @stxrker-fan-xx

******************************************************

When his mom had said "Your father wants to meet you", Peter hadn't really thought much of it.

He used to wonder where his biological father was, what the man might be like, whether this mystery person had ever actually wanted to meet him; but the resentment's mostly buried, now. The guy left before Peter was born, and Peter's mom remarried when he was six. Richard's a good man, a good stepfather (if a little distant); so, it wasn't with the hope of filling some kind of hole that Peter had agreed to the meeting. Now he seriously regrets not pushing his mom for at least a name (while simultaneously being very glad she's left the room). Tony Stark is standing in his living room. Billionaire, tech genius, philanthropist, Tony Stark. The man featured on the cover of every one of the considerable stack of magazines under Peter's bed. "Hi, Peter," Tony says, smiling a little, thought it's nervous and fades quickly. "I'm--" "Tony Stark," Peter interrupts faintly, "Wow, um--you're my--" "Yeah," Tony says. Oh, no. "It's--it's nice to meet you," Peter says, walking up and extending a hand that Tony takes. "You too, kid."

***

An hour later, Peter's back up in his room, flat on his back in bed. His jeans are on the floor, where they ended up when he'd hastily shed them after shutting himself in. He rests a shaking hand just above the line of his boxers, easing his fingers under the elastic waistband and staring up into the dark.

He's going on vacation with Tony Stark in a week. A father-son getaway. Christ. As he slowly, lightly drags his finger tips along the underside of his erection, base to tip and back, Peter lets himself think about the thrill of seeing Tony Stark perched in his favorite worn chair, asking questions and cracking jokes, everything about him confident and relaxed save for his long, thick fingers tapping random, ever-changing beats against the armrest.

Tony'd looked scandalized to hear that Peter'd never been on a real vacation. Whipped out his phone, done some digging, and asked if Peter'd ever been on a cruise. When Peter'd said 'no', he'd arched a brow and asked if he'd like to go on one, smiled when Peter had blushed and stammered out a 'yes, yeah, sure'.

Peter's never been on a cruise. He's never really been out on the ocean.

There are a lot of things Peter's never done.

He stops teasing himself long enough to push his boxers down, licks a moist stripe up his palm before returning his grip to his cock. Thinks about the warmth of Tony's hand, the roughness of the callouses. Would Tony offer to remedy his lack of experience the way he offered the cruise? Smirk the way he did when Peter had accepted, an unmistakable flash across his features, excited to be able to give this to Peter, to do this for him? To give him something he's never had? That's what fathers are supposed to do, right? Provide? Teach? "I’m sure you'll love it." The memory of those words, the warmth, the hint of something Peter could swear he saw in those too familiar dark eyes-- When he cums, he bites down on his other hand to keep Tony's name from spilling out of his mouth.

***

He doesn't tell Ned or MJ. There's no part of that conversation he wants to have, isn't really sure how to say it. It's...too big. They can tell something's happened (because they're his best friends, of course they can), but Peter can be stubborn when he needs to, and he spends every day at school resolutely deflecting every attempt either of them make to get him to talk. His time after school, though, he spends a lot more honestly. Jerking himself off to pictures and fantasies of the tech genius is a habit, an addiction, and not something he's trying all that hard to give up. The shame and the secrecy weave through the heat, give him something fresh to think about...and he does. Tony helps, if unknowingly. The billionaire texts him sporadically in the days leading up to the trip (regular things--questions he hadn't asked when they'd met, photos of things in his lab or the view of the city out the penthouse windows) but he keeps eccentric-genius hours, so sometimes Peter wakes up to messages timestamped at two, three in the morning. He gets himself off, not to the messages themselves, but to the idea that Tony Stark is paying attention to him, going out of his way to know Peter in some way, sending him little pieces of his life so Peter can be a part of it, even if they aren't physically near each other.    By the night before the cruise, Peter's given up trying to justify it (there’s really only one flimsy justification, how Tony's never been and never will be his dad beyond the biological sense) and admitted to himself the knowledge isn't (maybe never has been) a deterrent. Just a new scenario, the latest in the endless procession of fantasies Peter's had since he was fourteen years old. He still feels the shame, the heaviness of it, but it thickens the heat instead of detracting from it as he settles back on his bed, naked and teased to full hardness.  

When his phone buzzes, his cock jumps in his grip. No one else texts him this late, not on a school night.

>Hey, kid.

Peter bites his lip, stroking himself slowly as he types out a response with one hand.

>hey >why're you still up

>I could ask you the same thing. >I'm probably supposed to. >That's a dad thing, right? "Fuck," Peter gasps, pulling a little faster. >sounds like a dad thing >I'm sensing a 'but'. "How’d you know," Peter mutters into the dark, blushing and biting back a self-deprecating laugh. He turns, stretching to pull open his nightstand drawer, the near-empty bottle of lube calling his name. When he types out the next response, it takes him a little longer; his texting-hand is a little uncoordinated, most of his focus on running the slick fingers of his other over the tight furl between his cheeks. >BUT youre the one texting me at 2 am >You're right. Not a dad thing, is it.

Peter gasps, broken but nearly soundless, as he breaches himself with a finger, pumping a couple times before adding another--almost too quickly, but he wants to feel it right now; needs to. >i dont think youre supposed to ask my opinion on the subject >Your sass is a positive DNA test. >All Stark. A warm of curl of pleasure winds through him. >did you doubt it Peter's honestly not sure what he's asking for, but he needs the answer like he needed the too-soon stretch of that second finger. Wants a manifestation of his fantasy, to hear (see, read, whatever) that Tony hadn't immediately thought of him as his son, that he wants the same things Peter wants-- The response he gets is simple, and so, so loaded.  >I never doubted you were mine. It knocks the wind out of him. He drops his phone to grab his cock, cumming in a few quick tugs, biting his lip to stifle a groan that's shaped like Tony's name.

****

Reality's an ugly thing, Peter decides when his mom drops him off at the port. He stands there during the awkward interaction between Tony and his mom, listens to them exchange casual (if slightly stilted) conversation. Tries not to flinch when his mom hugs him and tells him to behave himself... ...and then she's gone, and it's just him and Tony. His father. Fuck. "Alright, kid, let's do this," Tony says with a slightly tight smile. They drop off their bags, go through security and the first class line, making cursory small talk (how Peter's week went at school, and a couple of the questions Tony hadn't asked when they'd met the week before), Peter's anxiety building with each step, each word. (When Tony apologizes for texting him so late, Peter nearly chokes on his own spit. He manages to get out a "Yeah, no, it's fine, I was up, anyway", and isn’t sure if he does or doesn’t want Tony to know what he means.) In a masochistic twist, his brain decides to bring every fantasy-driven orgasm from the last few days to the forefront of his mind. By the time they've reached the door to the suite, he's screaming internally, guilty and hard as a rock in his jeans and praying Tony doesn't notice. He follows Tony through the door, to the inner soundtrack of his own panic. Tony'd be disgusted if he knew--Peter is disgusting, thinking about his father like this, sick for getting off on it-- A quiet curse pulls him out of his head. His frantic apology is on the tip of his tongue--I'm so sorry, Tony, Mr. Stark--and then he sees why Tony cursed. There's one bed. It's huge, but it's still just one.     "I'll take the couch," Peter says quickly, because even sort of freaking out, he’s not going to completely throw away the potential opportunity to end up in bed with his number one fantasy. "Yeah, no," Tony says, wandering over to check the dresser drawers, "This is a new experience, kid. Your first time's not going to be on a couch. It's big enough to share." Peter's face heats, gut swooping. "It's--it's fine, really--"

Tony turns to give him a pointed, slightly amused look, and Peter's in hell.    "Okay, yeah, that's. Yeah." "Good," Tony says, shooting him a smirk, "Now. I don't know about you, but I've been on a diet of protein bars, Gatorade, and scotch for the last couple days, and I'm ready for some actual food. Buffet or room service?"

****

"Aren't you darling!"  They should've gotten room service.

MJ's said, before, that Peter's 'pretty', and Ned...well, Ned usually gives a helpless shrug in agreement. He doesn't hold it against either of them; he's aware of his baby face, knows he looks a little younger than his seventeen years. It usually doesn't cause him any problems or draw much attention, except for some of the 'negative' variety from his shittier classmates.

Everyone in the first-class dining hall, though, seem to think it's the best thing. At least six different people have made some kind of blatant comment over the last two hours, but many more of them are looking. A small, still-amorphous part of him is enjoying the attention, and...he maybe (definitely) likes the idea a little too much, that he's whatever they think he is to Tony, whether they believe they’re related or they’re sure Tony’s paying for his time. It doesn't help that Tony keeps touching him. Nothing explicit; the brush of a hand on his elbow or his shoulder, a palm at the middle of his spine, guiding and reassuring. He's leading Peter around, standing or sitting down, talking with these high-society strangers who keep shooting these looks at Peter, and after a while, all of Peter's energy is devoted to not reacting. Not flinching at every fleeting instance of contact. Not gasping whenever the now-familiar weight of Tony's palm presses at the middle of his back. Not giving any sign of all of it's wearing him down to the quick.     "Um, thank you, ma'am," Peter smiles weakly at the white-haired lady, praying she's not about to actually try pinching his burning cheeks. "And so polite, too!" she croons. Peter steels himself, has to fight not to let his eyelids flutter closed when Tony squeezes him where his neck and shoulder meet. A reassuring, paternally-affectionate gesture that shoots straight to Peter's aching cock.

"Careful, I think he might implode. He's not used to the attention," Tony says, and Peter nearly whimpers at the warm, teasing tone. "Well, he better get used to it, an angel-face like that!" They keep talking, but Peter couldn’t say what about. Tony's hand is pleasantly heavy at the juncture of his shoulder, a thumb drawing slow, warm circles against the back of his neck. Peter has one hand under the table, gripping his own thigh for some semblance of control. He's losing it, though, imagining what it would be like cup himself through his pants, to touch himself while Tony touches him like this, easy and familiar. It would be nice, that comfort, that approval, that care-- "--eter, sweetheart." Oh. Peter’s eyes flip open (he hadn't even realized he'd closed them, oh, god) to Tony, gazing at him. He knows. Oh, fuck, he knows. "You're looking a little warm," Tony says, sounding appropriately concerned. "Why don't you say goodbye to Ms. Lancaster and we'll go back so you can lay down?" The woman is clearly eating this up, has noticed none of the tension, none of the heat, as far as Peter can tell when he looks up at her. "Sorry, um--bye, Ms. Lancaster, it was nice to meet you," he manages, and he didn’t know his face could get any warmer. "Nice to meet you, too, dear, both of you," she says, all charmed sympathy, "You just get some rest and try to enjoy the rest of your weekend!" After a last farewell exchange with Tony, she turns to leave. Tony rises from his seat, and Peter freezes. He can't stand up. Tony knows, but he hasn't seen-- That hand returns to his nape, flexing gently, and then Tony's bending down, breath warm at Peter's ear. "Take off your coat, fold it over your arm," Tony murmurs. Peter wordlessly complies, grateful and mortified all at once. He stands, shield in place in front of himself, and studiously avoids looking up at Tony.    A hand settles low on his spine as they walk out of the hall, and Peter is so, so wonderfully, terribly fucked.

[badatusernames]

CHOJI, SHIKAMARU, LEE, GAARA & HINATA!! ITS A LOT IM SORRY

THANK U FOR THIS...admittedly some answers may be a lil short just so i can like. Get to them all.

EDIT: IDK WHY IT LOOKS LIKE THIS. IM SO TIRED. IM SORRY ITS JUST A LONGASS NARUTO POST ON YOUR DASH I TRIED MY FUCKIN BEST YALL

SEND ME A CHARACTER AND I’LL DO THIS;

Chouji (man i’ve seen it spelled both ways and i’m just used to typing Chouji at this point sorry)

Sexuality Headcanon: Pansexual!!  Gender Headcanon: Cis male A ship I have with said character: SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARUUUU, my god...just, everything about their dynamic makes my heart melt, the way they’re both people who are easily dismissed by others and how they have such UNFALTERING FAITH in each other. chouji knows how much of a genius shikamaru is, knows very well the fact that despite his laziness, once he commits to something he’s in it for the LONG HAUL, the way shikamaru just believes so steadfastly in chouji, considering him stronger than NEJI FOR FUCKS SAKE...they like. get one another, the kind of relationship where you can be yakking away one minute and then just sitting in contented silence the next. they can just laze around. maybe play video games and snack. and sometimes...kiss. and it’s so chill even with that latent tenderness their later relationship develops and they both just feel so safe and KNOWN and familiar like. love your best friend. anyway everyone slept on shikacho and y’all should be ashamed the naruto fandom is enormous and finding pretty much ANY content for it is almost impossible aside from the small (if lovely and amazing) tag and i’m pretty hyperfixated on it if you couldn’t tell holy SHIT.  A BROTP I have with said character: i’m really not a fan of ino taking potshots at him for his weight and outright shaming him, but once she grows out of that i absolutely love their friendship. listen, you know that post thats like--hold on

thats just them, thanks. A NOTP I have with said character: i have nothing against karui but canon is fucking dead to me and my opinions on p much all the “endgame” ships range from utterly neutral to absolute loathing. their relationship is on neither end of the spectrum, but. eh. definitely not into it. A random headcanon: he keeps nursing injured animals back to health because he’s just that fucking sweet and bringing them back to his house to keep them warm and safe while they recover and his team knows vaguely about this and ino and shikamaru like to poke fun at him for it but since they don’t tend to encounter said animals, it’s not really a huge deal.

of course they stop by his house one day bc he hadn’t shown up for training which is annoying and frankly a little concerning and finding the house mostly empty ino just bursts on into chouji’s room only to immediately have the opossum he’s been caring for latch its little paws on her face and cling.

it’s a bad morning. General Opinion over said character: literally one of my absolute favorites of all time and it really breaks my heart how overlooked he is in the fandom (seriously y’all...). i think kishimoto is kind of a stupid hack and the Fat Jokes are really grating and it sucks to see that so intrinsically tied to his character (like. just let him be fat. jesus christ) but his kindness and overall relaxed, loyal and lovable nature has me just melting. i adore him. 

Shikamaru

Sexuality Headcanon: He’s gay, scoob. (I could also talk a lot about how his earlier misogyny is both a product of being a whiny tween and also some internalized frustration of like WHATS SO GREAT ABOUT GIRLS. UGH. I DONT. STOP TELLING ME IM GONNA FALL IN LOVE WITH ONE ONE DAY DAD JESUS. and let’s be real, thats frustrating, even if it aint an excuse)  Gender Headcanon: he uses he/him pronouns because it’s just what he’s used to and comfortable with but man gender is such a drag... A ship I have with said character: SEE ABOVE SHIKACHO RANT A BROTP I have with said character: naruto! he and naruto have a really adorable friendship and i love love LOVE that he and chouji were shown to be kind and accepting of him even when most people were shunning him. also he’s so fucking dumb i love seeing shikamaru meticulously plan out something only to have naruto shriek into battle and ruin all of it. love those guys. stupid bros.  A NOTP I have with said character: ok. im sorry i just. loathe sh*katema i really do. i haaaate the way kishimoto writes this whole “ew a GIRL” “ew a MAN” vibe with the like OOOH BUT THEYRE GONNA LIKE EACH OTHER vibe like. 

don’t get me wrong i adore them as friends, i think they’re fantastic scathing and witty pals who bitch about anything and everything including each other

but they’re also both gay and kishimoto can suck my nuts byeeee A random headcanon: sometimes pakkun just fucking Shows up and chills with him. shikamaru wants absolutely no part of this but is way too lazy to like. do anything about it so it’s just this guy and a dog sitting in a field chillin and occasionally him piping up like ‘hey kid. remember when i bit your hand? yeah? haha, man time sure does fly.” while shikamaru is just. go aWAY.   General Opinion over said character: if you told 9 year old me watching naruto for the first time my favs were gonna be a three way tie of lee, shikamaru and chouji i never would have fucking believed you but here we are. i love him. i absolutely love him. he’s such a whiny bastard and a really good depiction of burnout genius who doesnt want to do ANYTHING, but his intellect is an absolute DELIGHT to watch. i love him very much. 

Lee

Sexuality Headcanon: he’s pan!! this is a boy that crushes easily and crushes hard on just about anyone!!!! Gender Headcanon: cis male A ship I have with said character: ok i ship him a lot with neji actually? what with how neji grows during the course of the series to regard lee with the respect he deserves is really sweet and there’s just something so infinitely adorable about him going around being the hammiest, most ridiculously earnest, kind and enthusiastic person and neji, now that he isn’t constantly bitter and angry at the world can finally really see that? lee is always happily dropkicking his way into his life, like he wouldn’t have it any other way, and i think that’s just...so sweet A BROTP I have with said character: SAKURAAAAA. oh my GOD do i adore their relationship. ever since lee saved her and basically just gave her a glimpse of his...lee-ness, the fact her negative opinion of him IMMEDIATELY flipped and gave her such a strong admiration and fondness for him kills me DEAD. she always treats him with so much respect and the fact she’s quick to rag on anyone making fun of him melts my HEART!! and on lee’s side, his little crush on her is adorable of course, but the sheer strength of the friendship that comes from it is more than infatuation could ever offer him. i want them to hang out together and talk about their troubles...i want them to make each other laugh and be so very kind to each other...i want sakura to storm over and throw him over her shoulder to TAKE A BREAK ALREADY when he’s been training too hard for too long. god. A NOTP I have with said character: honestly i’m pretty happy with a lot of lee ships! the only ones i view with obvious disdain are the ones with creepy age gaps honestly. A random headcanon: out of everyone in the leaf genin, he’s probably the closest anyone’s ever come to someone who EVERYONE is at least distantly friendly towards. like god have you SEEN how warm and inviting and concerned he is the SECOND he sees that naruto is feeling down? i get the sense he’s immediately inclined to provide that kind of support to any of his comrades, even the ones that Resist it.

you think sasuke is the most popular among the leaf genin? puh-LEASE. everyone looks on rock lee with at least a LITTLE bit of warmth. thats just fact. General Opinion over said character: since my first viewing of naruto he has been my Absolute fav, and while chouji and shikamaru are veeery close to stealing that spot, one look at him and i feel he’s gonna be on top forever. probably the best written character kishimoto’s ever produced that’s remained in  the main cast (tho i dont speak for shipudden onwards who fucking knows, but the truth of it is is i adore rock lee)

Gaara

Sexuality Headcanon: Panromantic Asexual Gender Headcanon: kind of like shikamaru, i feel like he uses he/him pronouns but also doesn’t particularly....Care? A ship I have with said character: ok so it wasnt until my naruto rewatch that i really started falling into this but i think him and naruto are super cute? while i loathe kishimoto for ruining so much abt this show he really is good at creating good foils to naruto, and gaara is no exception--and the way naruto changes his life by just kicking his ass (and proving he’s not just a Simp or smth) and then just, extending genuine empathy and a REAL sense of truly relating to where he’s coming from re:his upbringing? the EFFECT it has on him, bro!!!! my god!!! i feel like they’re that opposites attract ship that don’t clash constantly but instead fall into this adorable synergy and understanding? and i think thats so sweet A BROTP I have with said character: ...is it cheating to just put temari and kankuro here? bc they are literally his siblings but my GOD do i love their relationship. there’s something so deeply sad about their initial situation??? like having siblings that either are deeply fucking afraid of you or clearly don’t care for your well being whatsoever, it’s such a tragic scenario, and the times where they really do show legitimate care for gaara just breaks my heart...but the GROWTH. THE DEVELOPMENT. THE HEALING. i love the sand siblings so much, i am a STRONG advocate of seeing the development from estranged family to loving, occasionally bickering siblings who absolutely Love Each Other A NOTP I have with said character: uhhhh same with lee in that i don’t really mind most of the ships i’ve seen him in? while i don’t particularly ship gaalee i think its also Very Cute, and really it all just seems pretty valid as long as people aren’t being creepy? A random headcanon: i’ve been wracking my brain for one for a good 20 minutes and i just don’t have one he’s such a mystery to me/????? i love him but he is an enigma?? General Opinion over said character: oh my god he’s such an edgelord in the beginning. i’ve been doing a lot of this naruto rewatch with my friend @drashseed (a simply phenomenal fella 10/10 follow him) and every single time he talked the only valid response just became “ok gaara”

but his backstory? utterly HEARTWRENCHING. and his growth is just. absolutely divine, i adore him. thank you mister sandman for doing so much for us all.

Hinata

Sexuality Headcanon: Bisexual Gender Headcanon: cis woman A ship I have with said character: listen. i think kibahina is........Really Really cute. he cares about her so MUCH??? and there’s a certain tenderness to his interactions with her that’s just really evident whenever you see em together? i really love that you get the sense hinata is COMFORTABLE around him!!! like! i feel like hinata really deserves to have a partner who sees her when she ISN’T blushing and stammering? when she’s like? legitimately comfortable and being HERSELF? (dgmw the blushing is adorable i fucking love her but its one of the gripes i have with naruhina that so much of it is just naruto being oblivious and her having a small panic attack) the comfort she and kiba have make for a chill, adorable relationship i just cry over constantly A BROTP I have with said character: so i was GONNA put naruto here, but technically i already put him there for shikamaru’s so i’m gonna say neji!!! uhhh OBVIOUSLY they got off to a. very rough start but the way their dynamic changed (or perhaps in a way reverted back to the times they interacted before neji’s father died and temporarily killed his Human Decency) into this respect and fondness that’s just...such a delight to watch? i’m a SUCKER for slow and mutual reconciliation and there are just so many sweet moments between them. they are FAMILY, BRO!!! THEY CARE FOR EACH OTHER, BRO!!!!!!!!!! A NOTP I have with said character: ...at the risk of sounding like a broken record, i think a lot of hinata ships are quite cute? i guess i’m gonna have to say sasuke. because like.

has. he ever even looked at her. please. jesus christ. she deserves so much better. A random headcanon: she is a LOT physically stronger than she looks!! a lot of her combat techniques rely on taijustu after all so it’d make sense that she puts a lot of effort into physical training alongside chakra control.

i’m trying to say she’s strong. not as strong as sakura but. she can lift her bf up over her head (he’s dying hes dying he’s dYING he lOVES HER SO MUCH). it’s pretty fuckign badass

General Opinion over said character: i LOVE her??? honest to god i really really do--honestly while i dislike the direction they went in canon with her, i really loved seeing her be motivated to grow and change the parts of herself she hated to become a stronger person.

that and she’s so fucking cute and sweet and i just??????? bless her honestly.

[moistmailman]

Babysitter AU

Pyrrha, holding a 7 year old Weiss and Ruby in her arms: Look guys, can you at least try and get along today? For me?

Weiss, whining: But she's eating too many cookies!

Ruby, mouth full of cookies: No I'm not!

Weiss: Yes you are! You're getting crumbs everywhere!

Ruby, in fact, spitting out crumbs: Am not!

Weiss: Are too!

Ruby: Am not!

Weiss: Are too!

Ruby: IM NOT!

Weiss: ARE TOO!

Pyrrha, sighing: Look, why do you even care if Ruby eats too many cookies in the first place?

Weiss: Because the dunce might get a stomach ache if she eats too many!

Pyrrha:....so? Why do you care?

Weiss, awkwardly: Well because.....her tummy will hurt.

Pyrrha, smiling:.......

Weiss: W-what?

Pyrrha, cooing: Awww, are you worried about your friend Ruby?

Weiss, blushing: W-what?!

Pyrrha: You actually care about her, don't you?

Weiss, blushing more: N-no! I-its just that she is going to cry loudly of her tummy hur— H-HEY!

Ruby, hugging Weiss: AWWW! I CARE ABOUT YOU TOO, WEISSY!

Weiss, blushing: G-get off my, you dunce! Who d-do you think you are hugging me! Unhand me now!

Ruby, hugging tighter: But I wanna hug you!!!!!

Weiss: Ew! Gross. You're getting cookie crumbs everywhere! L-let go! P-pyrrha, help me!

Pyrrha: *giggles loudly*

Weiss, whining: PYRRRRRHA!

*a knock is heard at the door*

Pyrrha: Ope, I think that might be one of your sisters to pick you up. Be right back. *Stands up and leaves the room*

Weiss, trying to break free: Pyrrha! Come back here and help me! Pyrrha! PYRRHA!

Ruby, still hugging: Theres nothing wrong with hugging, Weissy!

Weiss: D-dont call me that!

Pyrrha, opening her door: Hello?

*Pyrrha opens the door to find a tall and older woman with white hair and piercing blue eyes, standing in an authority like stance*

Pyrrha, smiling: Oh, hello Winter.

Winter, bowing respectfully: Hello, Pyrrha. I hope your evening has been well.

Pyrrha, nodding: Oh it's been great. Thanks for asking.

Winter: Well that's fantastic. I assume my sister hasn't been giving you a hard time?

Pyrrha, chuckling: Oh heavens no. She's been an angel; maybe a little crabby though. But other than that, she's been fine.

Winter: Thats great to hear. Thanks for watching her by. You know, I really appreciate you being such a kind and sweet babysitter to my sister.

Pyrrha, modestly: Oh it's nothing to thank me for. I'm just doing what any other baby sitter would do.

Winter, chuckling: Thats honestly hard to believe. Weiss talks about you all the time. Talking about how sweet and amazing you are. She tells me how you are teaching her about spelling and other subjects. You are going beyond what a regular baby sitter would. And I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Pyrrha, smiling: No seriously, you don't need to thank me. Having Weiss around is always a pleasure. She's a bright and very sweet girl, even if her previous babysitter called her a brat all the time.

Winter: Well I'm still gonna. In fact, I think you deserve a little something too.

Pyrrha: What do you mean?

Winter, smiling: I have these reservations to this this beautiful restaurant, and I want to take you with me. It's for the golden clam.

Pyrrha, eyes widening: The Golden Clam? W-what? B-but that place is so expensive, Winter. I can't accept that.

Winter, smiling: But I want you too. You deserve it.

Pyrrha, slightly blushing: I-I don't k-know. T-this seems too much.

Winter: I promise that it's nothing, okay? I'm not even spending that much money. Now come on and let me award you for being such a great babysitter.

Pyrrha, hesitatingly:.....are you sure?

Winter: Yes, positive.

Pyrrha:......o-okay. I'll go.

Winter, smiling: Great. You won't regret it. I promise. The reservation is for this Friday night.

Pyrrha, nodding: Great. I can't wai— wait, this Friday night?

Winter: Yes, this Friday. Is there a problem?

Pyrrha, guiltily: Oh Winter, Im so sorry but I can't make it this Friday. I'm going to a concert with Yang.

Winter, gritting her teeth from the mentioned of the blond:......Yang you say? You're going to a concert with Yang?

Pyrrha: Yeah. She asked me this morning when she dropped Ruby off, apparently she had an extra ticket and gave it to me to not waste it.

Winter: Oh really? Well, isn’t that.....nice.....hmm.....so is it just going to be you two, or....

Pyrrha: Just us.

Winter: Wow, just you two? Man, that's....so she just so happened to had another ticket, huh? Isn’t that.....convenient.

Pyrrha: Yeah, I guess it is.

Winter, still gritting her teeth: Well that's just......wonderful.

Pyrrha:......Winter, are you alright?

Winter: Hmm? Me? Oh yeah, I'm fine. I'm all dandy. Don't worry.

Pyrrha: Oh okay. I really am sorry about this by the way. I feel really bad.

Winter: No no no, don't feel bad. I'm okay. I promise.

Pyrrha: If you say so. Anyway, allow me go get your sister for you. Be right back. *Enters her apartment*

Winter, growling under her breath: God damn it Xiao-Long! You little piece of—

???: Is that Winty I see?

Winter, under her breath: God damn it.

*Winter turns to see a tall buxom blonde swaying her way towards her with a smirk on*

Winter, annoyed: Hello Yang.

Yang, pouting: Awww, what's wrong, Winty? *Gasp* oh wait. I know that look anywhere. You just got rejected, didn't ya?

Winter, gritting her teeth: Shut up.

Yang: Man, that gotta suck now, doesn't it? So, what did you ask her out to?

Winter, sighing: If you just know....I had two reservations to....the Golden Clam.

Yang, laughing: Oh you gotta be shitting me! You must’ve wasted so much money!

Winter, gritting her teeth while trying to calm down:.......

Yang: You gotta be so pissed right now! So how does it feel, knowing that I have a date with Pyrrha? It's an awesome concert too. Does that bother you? Huh? Does it piss you off? Huh?

Winter, internally: Just ignore her. She's nothing to you. Don't let her get under your skin.

Yang: Hey, are you listening? Are you pissed? You look pissed? You look really pissed? Hey? Hey? Hey—

Winter, stomping: Okay, listen here you little harlot!

Yang: Oh ho ho ho~ I think you're mad.

Winter: I swear to God, Yang!

Yang: Why are you even after Pyrrha anyway? You're much older than her.

Winter: Im only 4 years older!

Yang, looking Winter up and down:......really?

Winter: Oh you lit—

Pyrrha, starting to walk out with Weiss: And here she is!

Winter, feigning excitement: —tle one right here. There you are, Weiss! *Ruffles Weiss's hair*

Pyrrha: Oh, hey Yang.

Yang, smiling: Heya, P money. Excited for the concert?

Pyrrha: I sure am. I'm sure it will be grand.

Yang: Me too. I was just telling Winter about it actually.

Pyrrha: Really?

Winter, smiling: Yep, she sure was. Hey, if you don't mind me asking, what concert are you going to?

Pyrrha: Oh it's uhm....*starts snapping fingers* Shoot, what was they called again?

Yang: The Achieve-Men. They're great, and sold out as well. So no one will be able to get in now. Nobody. *smirks*

Winter: *Growls under her breath*

Yang: Oh, and got front rows seat as well.

Pyrrha, nodding: Thas right. Seat 6 and 7 I believe?

Yang, nodding: Corecto, p money. So these seats are totally AMAZING! It's a shame you can't show up, Winter. Since you know....it's sold out.

Winter, clenching her fist: Yeah... It's a real....shame.....anyway, I gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow, Pyrrha.

Pyrrha: O-oh. You're leaving? O-okay. Bye.

Winter, picking up Weiss: Goodbye. *Starts to leave*

Yang, smiling: Well anyway, I'm here for the Rubster.

Pyrrha: Hmm? Oh, right. I'll be right back.

Winter, walking away: Hmm.... Seats six and seven huh?

Weiss, being carried: What?

Winter, smiling: Nothing, snowflake. *Pulls out scroll and dials a number in it before calling someone*.......hey Klein? I need a favor? Can you do some....research about a certain sold out concerts? I need to know who bought a certain ticket to it......great, thanks.

*days later, Friday night at the concert*

Yang, smiling: So, are you excited?

Pyrrha, smiling: Yeah, I kinda am. I've never been to a concert before.

Yang: Well I hope your first time will be unforgetta— wait, what the hell?!

Pyrrha, turning: Wha— Winter?

Winter, walking over to them: Hello you two. What are you doi— wait, are these your seats?

Yang, annoyed: Yeah! Remember, Pyrrha told you?

Winter: She did? Hmm, I must've forgetten.

Pyrrha: How did you get in here? I thought it was sold out.

Winter: Oh I pulled a few strings. Nothing too special. But hey, isn't this cool? I'm going to hang out with you two.

Pyrrha, smiling: Well that’s nice. Isn’t it, Yang?

Yang, gritting her teeth: Yeah, it's so....amazing!

*meanwhile*

Coco, on the phone: No Velvs, you don't understand! This rich chick walked up to me and paid me 20 grand for my concert ticket! Isn't that amazing?!.....I don't know how she I had a concert ticket. Who cares! I got 20 grand!

[curlytemple]

niche interests list 

okay sure yes this is fun! i havent posted a thing like this in such a long time. thank you new gal pal @scottspack for tagging me! 

pigs????

alright first lets throw it back to preschool! my fav childhood toys were my baby doll (snookums) and a plush pig that my grandma got me that i just called ‘pig’ ...i watched the babe movies countless times, and piglet? that anxious little guy GETS ME bro. when my preschool did a nativity play and my class got to choose an animal to be in baby jesus’ manger, my mother recalls me saying that i would be a pig because jewish people (jesus christ) wouldnt eat me. she has no idea how or when i learned about kosher foods. ironically despite my namesake i was too afraid of the movie charlotte’s web to watch it more than once because the scary farmer tries to kill wilbur for being small and the pretty spider dies. 

sugar creek gang 

OKAY this is a book series from the 40s-70s about a group of christian little boys in indiana who went on adventures in the woods and helped people. my dad read a LOT of chapter books to me as bedtime stories when i was little (see also the mandie series, nancy drew and the hardy boys, little house on the prairie) but sugar creek gang is one that really hit. i read all 36 books with dad and at least once again on my own. there was a series of 4 or 5 movies in the early 2000s when i was the Perfect age to have a crush on most if not all of them. this might be too much detail but i have to tell you about these boys. we WILL not be revisiting the heavy religious themes. 

 the narrator is bill who is Good and Kind and wants to be a doctor when he grows up. his best friend is a chubby boy nicknamed poetry because he memorizes and quotes poems, he is the Detective of the group. BIG JIM is the leader of the group who is supposed to be like, 14, which was very cool and hot, to me. and yes there is a little jim, who is the baby of the group. then there is CIRCUS who is known for his climbing and acrobatics, and his FIVE SISTERS AND BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE. dreamboy. i’m almost done listing boys, i promise. a boy called dragonfly who is allergic to everything and hella superstitious. later in the series a new boy named tom moves to town and tom has an older brother bob who is NOT A CHRISTIAN (bully) 

tangentially, the buttercream gang, a movie from 1992 that was almost definitely made by some christians who grew up reading the sugar creek gang series which i’m guessing on vibes alone. will spare you Good Boy details but scott is in love with his best friend pete who moves to chicago and falls in with a bad crowd and scott just refuses to stop LOVING HIM. very gay christian film in retrospect. 

peter pan

so i know liking disney’s peter pan isnt niche, but it was the way i liked it. tinker bell stan from day one, i watched all of those disney fairies movies, even the ones that came out after i was definitely not intended audience. there was an online pixie hollow game where you could design your own fairies and play mini games where you gathered dew drops or something. had a HUGE CRUSH on jeremy sumpter in peter pan (2003) then i got really darkly obsessed with the idea of growing up when i was 12 or 13, and everything peter pan was deeply My Shit for my entire adolescence. i read the original book and every other twisted version of the story i could find and seriously freaked myself out about wasting my youth. 

shug

you’ve probably heard of jenny han now, or at least the netflix adaptations for to all the boys i’ve loved before and the sequel ps i still love you (always and forever, lara jean, coming soon?) but before she wrote THOSE, she wrote my first ever Favorite Book, about annemarie “shug” wilcox, a girl in the summer before starting middle school. it is SO engraved on my heart i cannot explain. i felt so incredibly understood and cant even tell you how many times i read it. thinking about all of the ways it made me feel SEEN is actually making me very tender so i’m gonna go on.  

the summer series

on the subject of jenny han, since she was now my Favorite author, when she came out with the summer i turned pretty in 2009, i was ALL IN. it’s not summer without you, and we’ll always have summer were published the next two years. a coming of age series about a girl isabel “belly” conklin who stays at her mother’s best friend's house at the beach in the summers. i really could talk about it forever yall. i actually dont know how to be succinct about it. i will try. her mom’s friend has TWO BOYS. one brother, jeremiah, is the golden boy and her best friend who is in love with her! the older one CONRAD is her childhood crush who's just sort of around while belly is firmly getting over her childish feelings and going out and experiencing teen beach life with jeremiah for the first time and figuring out who she is and wants to be! by the end of the summer he admits he feels differently about her (hence belly internalizing this as The Summer I Turned Pretty) and they get together. this is already too much so i will just say that the next two books deal with a PROFOUND LOSS and the selfishness of grief and the SELFLESSNESS OF CONRAD and i will absolutely lose my shit if netflix picks it up for a second jenny han series adaptation. 

pappyland

this was a kids show in the 90′s that features a character named Pappy Drew-It, an artist dressed like a 49er who lives in a magic cabin in pappyland. there’s tons of characters and music and life lessons but the meat of every episode is a detailed drawing how-to (pappy is actually a cartoonist, michael cariglio) and i have a hard back cover sketch book from my grandpa that i FILLED with drawings that pappy and DOODLEBUG taught me to do. there is a running gag that pappy always breaks his crayons.  

boy meets world

i KNOW this is beloved by many but i’m counting it because i’m simply too young to have such an obsession with it! the show ran from 1992-2000. i was born in 1996, but reruns on the disney channel and abc family cemented it as one of my favorite shows. cory and shawn, closer than brothers, shameless homoromantics, shawn is cory’s first wife!!!!! truly showed me what a best friend can and should be!!!!!! the great love of your life!!!!! TOPANGA, the og weird feminist girl who said stop shaving your legs and start speaking your mind, ladies! the characters are so richly developed that they are real people to my heart. YES every character on this show is in their late 30s-early 40s and YES i feel like we grew up together. in season one they’re in the 6th grade and we follow them all the way to COLLEGE. countless poignant life lessons, often literally dictated by the wise and hilarious MR. FEENY, cory’s next door neighbor and somehow one of his teachers for YEARS. my love was only solidified by the 2014 girl meets world reboot, centered on cory and topanga’s daughter and her best friend. (which was literally cancelled because disney didn’t want to transition from a kids show to a teen show, something essential to the original. also because that teen show would have had CANON LESBIANS. extremely shameful move in 2017!) boy meets world lives rent free in my heart and i will never evict it!!!!!!!

i consulted my mother when i got stumped for more and she reminded me that i had obsessions with the impressionist art period and babies and ANYTHING fairies or pixies, and i was way too young when my love of the canadian teen after school special degrassi began. she also said bob ross, which i was hesitant to include because he’s been super ~trendy in recent years, but to be fair (To Be Faaairrr) she’s right! i don’t think people really watched the joy of painting as much as i have throughout my life. best sick day show of all time.

lastly i could honestly list anna herself as a niche interest, my mom actually metioned that ive always hyperfixated on my girl friends (gay) but i’ll just note that YES friday night lights, YES barry lyga novels. love to share so many things with you, niche or not, they’re niche in Our Mind.

[juki227]

{||~1080p-HD~ ]] Regarder C'est la vie  film complet [[2020]] en Franacais

29 avril 2020  / 1h 43min / Comédie De Julien Rambaldi Avec Josiane Balasko, Léa Drucker, Alice Pol Nationalités Français, Belge 29 avril 2020  / 1h 43min / Comédie De Julien Rambaldi Avec Josiane Balasko, Léa Drucker, Alice Pol Nationalités Français, Belge

PLAY==> http://ver.yess-movie.com/movie/tt9162090/c-est-la-vie.html

Its somewhat ironic that a movie about time travel can’t be reviewed properly until your future self rewatches the movie. It’s bold of Nolan to make such a thoroughly dense blockbuster. He assumes people will actually want to see C’est la vie more than once so they can understand it properly, which some may not. This movie makes the chronology of Inception look as simplistic as tic-tac-toe. Ergo, it’s hard for me to give an accurate rating, without having seen it twice, as I’m still trying to figure out whether everything does indeed make sense. If it does, this movie is easily a 9 or 10. If it doesn’t, it’s a 6. It’s further not helped by the fact that the dialogue in the first 15 minutes of the movie is painfully hard to understand / hear. Either they were behind masks; they were practically mumbling; the sound effects were too loud; or all of the above. The exposition scenes are also waayyy too brief for something this complex — a problem also shared with Interstellar actually. (Interstellar had this minimalist exposition problem explaining Blight, where if you weren’t careful, you’d miss this one sentence / scene in the entire movie explaining that Blight was a viral bacteria: “Earth’s atmosphere is 80% nitrogen, we don’t even breathe nitrogen. Blight does, and as it thrives, our air gets less and less oxygen”). I guess it’s a Nolan quirk. Hopefully, a revision of the film audio sorts the sound mixing out. I do like the soundtrack, but it’s too loud initially. I liked all the actors. You think John Washington can’t act at first, but he can, and he grows on you as the film progresses. And Pattinson is his usual charming self. Elizabeth is a surprise treat. And so on. Its worth a watch either way. See it with subtitles if you can. And definitely don’t expect to fully understand whats going on the first time around. Its one hell of a complicated film. It will be very hard for an average viewer to gather all the information provided by this movie at the first watch. But the more you watch it, more hidden elements will come to light. And when you are able to put these hidden elements together. You will realize that this movie is just a “masterpiece” which takes the legacy of Christopher Nolan Forward If I talk about acting, Then I have to say that Robert Pattinson has really proved himself as a very good actor in these recent years. And I am sure his acting skills will increase with time. His performance is charming and very smooth. Whenever he is on the camera, he steals the focus John David Washington is also fantastic in this movie. His performance is electrifying, I hope to see more from him in the future. Other characters such as Kenneth Branagh, Elizabeth, Himesh Patel, Dimple Kapadia, Clémence Poésy have also done quite well. And I dont think there is a need to talk about Michael Caine Talking about Music, its awesome. I dont think you will miss Hans Zimmer’s score. Ludwig has done a sufficient job. There is no lack of good score in the movie Gotta love the editing and post production which has been put into this movie. I think its fair to say this Nolan film has focused more in its post production. The main problem in the movie is the sound mixing. Plot is already complex and some dialogues are very soft due to the high music score. It makes it harder to realize what is going on in the movie. Other Nolan movies had loud BGM too. But Audio and dialogues weren’t a problem My humble request to everyone is to please let the movie sink in your thoughts. Let your mind grasp all the elements of this movie. I am sure more people will find it better. Even those who think they got the plot. I can bet they are wrong. C’est la vie is the long awaited new movie from Christopher Nolan. The movie that’s set to reboot the multiplexes post-Covid. It’s a manic, extremely loud, extremely baffling sci-fi cum spy rollercoaster that will please a lot of Nolan fan-boys but which left me with very mixed views. John David Washington (Denzel’s lad) plays “The Protagonist” — a crack-CIA field operative who is an unstoppable one-man army in the style of Hobbs or Shaw. Recruited into an even more shadowy organisation, he’s on the trail of an international arms dealer, Andrei Sator (Kenneth Branagh in full villain mode). Sator is bullying his estranged wife Kat (Elizabeth Debicki) over custody of their son (and the film unusually has a BBFC warning about “Domestic Abuse”). Our hero jets the world to try to prevent a very particular kind of Armageddon while also keeping the vulnerable and attractive Kat alive. This is cinema at its biggest and boldest. Nolan has taken a cinema ‘splurge’ gun, filled it with money, set it on rapid fire, removed the safety and let rip at the screen. Given that Nolan is famous for doing all of his ‘effects’ for real and ‘in camera’, some of what you see performed is almost unbelievable. You thought crashing a train through rush-hour traffic in “Inception” was crazy? You ain’t seen nothing yet with the airport scene! And for lovers of Chinooks (I must admit I am one and rush out of the house to see one if I hear it coming!) there is positively Chinook-p*rn on offer in the film’s ridiculously huge finale. The ‘inversion’ aspects of the story also lends itself to some fight scenes — one in particular in an airport ‘freeport’ — which are both bizarre to watch and, I imagine, technically extremely challenging to pull off. In this regard John David Washington is an acrobatic and talented stunt performer in his own right, and must have trained for months for this role. Nolan’s crew also certainly racked up their air miles pre-lockdown, since the locations range far and wide across the world. The locations encompassed Denmark, Estonia, India, Italy, Norway, the United Kingdom, and United States. Hoyte Van Hoytema’s cinematography is lush in introducing these, especially the beautiful Italian coast scenes. Although I did miss the David Arnold strings that would typically introduce these in a Bond movie: it felt like that was missing. The ‘timey-wimey’ aspects of the plot are also intriguing and very cleverly done. There are numerous points at which you think “Oh, that’s a sloppy continuity error” or “Shame the production design team missed that cracked wing mirror”. Then later in the movie, you get at least a dozen “Aha!” moments. Some of them (no spoilers) are jaw-droppingly spectacular. Perhaps the best twist is hidden in the final line of the movie. I only processed it on the way home. And so to the first of my significant gripes with C’est la vie. The sound mix in the movie is all over the place. I’d go stronger than that… it’s truly awful (expletive deleted)! Nolan often implements Shakespeare’s trick of having characters in the play provide exposition of the plot to aid comprehension. But unfortunately, all of this exposition dialogue was largely incomprehensible. This was due to: the ear-splitting volume of the sound: 2020 movie audiences are going to be suffering from ‘C’est la vieis’! (LOL); the dialogue is poorly mixed with the thumping music by Ludwig Göransson (Wot? No Hans Zimmer?); a large proportion of the dialogue was through masks of varying description (#covid-appropriate). Aaron Taylor-Johnson was particularly unintelligible to my ears. Overall, watching this with subtitles at a special showing might be advisable! OK, so I only have a PhD in Physics… but at times I was completely lost as to the intricacies of the plot. It made “Inception” look like “The Tiger Who Came to Tea”. There was an obvious ‘McGuffin’ in “Inception” — — (“These ‘dream levels’… how exactly are they architected??”…. “Don’t worry… they’ll never notice”. And we didn’t!) In “C’est la vie” there are McGuffins nested in McGuffins. So much of this is casually waved C’est la vie as “future stuff… you’re not qualified” that it feels vaguely condescending to the audience. At one point Sator says to Kat “You don’t know what’s going on, do you?” and she shakes her head blankly. We’re right with you there luv! There are also gaps in the storyline that jar. The word “C’est la vie”? What does it mean. Is it just a password? I’m none the wiser. The manic pace of C’est la vie and the constant din means that the movie gallops along like a series of disconnected (albeit brilliant) action set pieces. For me, it has none of the emotional heart of the Cobb’s marriage problems from “Inception” or the father/daughter separation of “Interstellar”. In fact, you barely care for anyone in the movie, perhaps with the exception of Kat. It’s a talented cast. As mentioned above, John David Washington is muscular and athletic in the role. It’s a big load for the actor to carry in such a tent-pole movie, given his only significant starring role before was in the excellent BlacKkKlansman. But he carries it off well. A worthy successor to Gerard Butler and Jason Statham for action roles in the next 10 years. This is also a great performance by Robert Pattinson, in his most high-profile film in a long time, playing the vaguely alcoholic and Carré-esque support guy. Pattinson’s Potter co-star Clemence Poésy also pops up — rather more un-glam that usual — as the scientist plot-expositor early in the movie. Nolan’s regular Michael Caine also pops up. although the 87-year old legend is starting to show his age: His speech was obviously affected at the time of filming (though nice try Mr Nolan in trying to disguise that with a mouth full of food!). But in my book, any amount of Caine in a movie is a plus. He also gets to deliver the best killer line in the film about snobbery! However, it’s Kenneth Branagh and Elizabeth Debicki that really stand out. They were both fabulous, especially when they were bouncing off each other in their marital battle royale. So, given this was my most anticipated movie of the year, it’s a bit of a curate’s egg for me. A mixture of being awe-struck at times and slightly disappointed at others. It’s a movie which needs a second watch, so I’m heading back today to give my ear drums another bashing! And this is one where I reserve the right to revisit my rating after that second watch… it’s not likely to go down… but it might go up. (For the full graphical review, check out One Mann’s Movies on t’interweb and Facebook. Thanks.) As this will be non-spoiler, I can’t say too much about the story. However, what I can is this: C’est la vie’s story is quite dynamic in the sense that you won’t understand it till it wants you to. So, for the first half, your brain is fighting for hints and pieces to puzzle together the story. It isn’t until halfway through the movie that C’est la vie invites you to the fantastic storytelling by Christopher Nolan. Acting is beyond phenomenal, and I’d be genuinely surprised if neither Robert Pattinson nor John David Washington doesn’t receive an Oscar nomination for best actor. It’s also hard not to mention how good Elizabeth Debicki and Aaron Johnson both are. All around, great acting, and the dialogue amps up the quality of the movie. The idea of this movie is damn fascinating, and while there are films that explore time-travelling, there’s never been anything quite like this. It has such a beautiful charm and for the most part, explains everything thoroughly. It feels so much more complex than any form of time-travelling we’ve seen, and no less could’ve been expected from Nolan. Oh my lord, the score for this film fits so perfectly. Every scene that’s meant to feel intense was amped by a hundred because of how good the score was. Let me just say though, none of them will be found iconic, but they fit the story and scenes so well. In the end, I walked out, feeling very satisfied. Nevertheless, I do have issues with the film that I cannot really express without spoiling bits of the story. There are definitely little inconsistencies that I found myself uncovering as the story progressed. However, I only had one issue that I found impacted my enjoyment. That issue was understanding some of the dialogue. No, not in the sense that the movie is too complicated, but more that it was hard to make out was being said at times. It felt like the movie required subtitles, but that probably was because, at a time in the film, there was far too much exposition. Nevertheless, I loved this film, I’ll be watching it at least two more times, and I think most of you in this group will enjoy it. I definitely suggest watching it in theatres if possible, just so you can get that excitement. (4/5) & (8.5/10) for those that care about number scores. At first, I want to ask Christopher Nolan one question, HOW THE HELL YOU DID THIS? Seriously I want to have an answer, How did he write such as this masterpiece! How did he get this complicated, fabulous and creative idea? What is going on in his mind? The story is written and directed perfectly, the narration style was absolutely unique. I have no idea how can anyone direct such as this story, that was a huge challenge, and as usual Nolan gave us a masterpiece that we’ll put beside (Memento), (Inception) and (Interstellar) The movie is so fast-paced in a good way, there was no boring moment. The chemistry between John David Washington and Robert Pattinson was great and funny and both of their performance was really good. Elizabeth Debicki performance was the best in the movie because she had the chance to show her acting abilities and she cached up that chance and showed us an A level acting. The music wasn’t unique and distinct as the music of Interstellar for example and I think this movie needed the touch of Hans Zimmer, I’m not saying that Ludwig Göransson failed but Hans Zimmer in another level. If there was something I’d say that I didn’t like it in the movie would it be that Nolan discarded any set up or characters backgrounds except Elizabeth Debicki dramatic story but it wasn’t that bad for me, I didn’t care about that, the exciting story didn’t give me the chance to focus on it. But the actual problem was the third act, it was really complicated and I got lost and I convinced myself to discard the questions that were in my head and enjoy the well-made action sequences and Elizabeth Debicki performance. I think this kind of movie that gets better with a second and third watch. I honestly don’t quite know where to begin with C’est la vie. I love Christopher Nolan’s work but I have never seen a more complicated film (and I understood Memento). After nearly three hours, I came C’est la vie from C’est la vie not knowing myself, my mind reduced to nothing more than piles of ash. Was there time travel involved? Hmm, there was definitely something about time inversion. I mean, does Nolan even understand what he wrote? Look, I give credit to the director because he’s one of the few directors left who knows how to create a compelling and intelligent blockbuster. C’est la vie is full of Nolan trademarks — the gratuitous Michael Caine cameo, a loud, really loud score, complete with stunning cinematography and slickly inventive action set-pieces. This time around however, Nolan has finally managed to ‘out-Nolan’ himself: the palindromic plot, whilst creatively ambitious, is simply far too complicated for its own good. C’est la vie is overlong, overstuffed, pretentious and too exhausting to comprehend in its entirety — it makes Inception and Interstellar look like Peppa Pig by comparison. I’m aware of the technical wizardry and creative mastery in this film and lord knows I’ll have to watch this again. For those who want a puzzle, C’est la vie at least provides a unique cinematic experience. But to actually enjoy solving it Nolan wants you to work

[minecraftoworymode]

picked a whole bouquet of whoopsie-daisies the other day reading some Very badfeel content so to cheer myself up here’s some super self-indulgent ramblings about romeo recovery post-s2

“YOU CAN DANCE IF YOU WANT TO YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY BEHIND” or how romeo learned to stop worrying and indulge in the ““feminine”“ shit in life

when romeo transitioned he scrubbed everything that could be potentially viewed as feminine from his appearance and behaviour. while he did everything he could about the former (hairstyle, clothing, body language, voice), it didn’t feel like enough bc he couldn’t change some things that ppl used to be jerks- his frame (short and lithe), his family, his being trans- so he made up for it by trying to “act” like a “real man”. this unfortunately meant he was super vulnerable to manipulative alt-right indoctrination tactics (”we will validate you as a man as long as you endorse our assholery and share our shitty beliefs about what it means to be a man”) and he was on the verge of getting sucked into gamergate ideology when [THIS LORE IS ANOTHER POST] and hey, now the world is minecraft. u dont gotta perform gender roles for villagers they dont care. xara will not only actually eat ur liver for pulling The Bullshit but when you are kind she smiles, so bright and warm, and it is very very nice so maybe you should keep on doing that. n fred? fred is chill with their Everything in a way uve only ever Dreamed of. romeo marinates in this sauce for a couple centuries and comes the closest to being comfortable in his own skin he’s ever been.

however,

after the Incident he slam-dunked himself back into the hypermasculinity juice bc it was a mindset “safe” from feeling pain, whether his or others’. n since the worlds the admins created dont have the same ideas of gender as the world they came from, once he’s been dethroned romeo has a particularly hard time adjusting wrt That on top of all the other 2750347502730 issues he has to face

anyway flash forward a couple months of being incredibly volatile bc he now has to confront all the terrible things he did and how Dare u make him do that and maybe if hes nasty enough he can provoke someone into killing him and saving him from having to unpack All Of That- (note from @simple-mooshroom-herder​: Xara and Jesse at least grasp that Romeo will probably burn himself out on this bullshit eventually and the best thing to do is interact with him with a certain level of healthy detachment. Eventually he'll see that theres no "getting out of this" and he'll start to do the Work but until then its very frustrating to see that tactic take him nowhere.)

- one day petra notices how he’s constantly staring at all the ppl wearing cute dresses in beacontown and at first she thinks he's being creepy but then realizes that he's not being creepy and actually she knows exactly how he feels bc she also used to look at ppl wearing clothes super not suited for combat like that, like she wished she could wear them too, like if she just didnt have to keep up this image of the Warrior who is Not Soft Ever-

n ok. listen. these worlds have been specifically engineered to be better and kinder than the one the admins came from, and when people mess up- even REALLY mess up- people are generally not only willing to forgive you but support you as you try and get better. it’s instinctual for communities to respond to misdeeds with rehabilitation and reconciliation, rather than retaliation and renunciation (tho its not an overnight thing and it generally takes 1-3 people to spearhead the process, esp if the actions have affected a large group of people). like. ivor created something that almost destroyed the entire world, not just beacontown, yet by the end of season one he’s grown to be a part of the team- n its not just jesse & co being forgiving here, bc when ivor made his s1 build with 3 lava source blocks people objected to it, but by s2 he not only has lava in his build but a giant lake of it. (im assuming the fences around said lake are coming eventually, bc safety is still important, but the implications im choosing to take from this are a) despite almost ending the world people let him into their lives anyway and b) the community not only grew to accept but encourage his self-expression.)

BUT ANYWAY before i go off on that even more one day petra and romeo basically put on an impromptu fashion show in jesse’s house (bc their house is huge and, kind of perfect for a fashion show, and also right next to the order hall’s armory whence they stole a bunch of fancy swords to match the outfits) n theyre having a blast until the hero in residence , returns to their residence (and with COMPANY) n romeo is absolutely Mortified- caught red-handed showing feelings of an almost human nature, oh my god, this will NOT do- n this whole grand soliluquy of shame and excuses and apologies grabs the steering wheel of his tongue but he cant even spit a single syllable out bc jesse and lukas almost immediately dip leaving romeo panicking for a second before they come back with their inventories FULL of cute outfits, including a billion skirts and dresses, some of them are even enchanted so theyre like. super shiny or constantly flowing or things like that.

this actually ends up spiralling into a town-wide... not quite fashion show bc there's no runway or anything, everyone just shows up in their cutest/coolest outfits .. fashion convention?? Anyway several people come up to him and compliment him on his outfit casually before continuing along, not recognizing him not only bc of how hes done his hair and makeup n what hes wearing but he just seems... so happy (he might be wearing something on his head? like a headpiece or hat or something? but also maybe not hmm)- whoever this is, he's not hunched over like he's got several centuries' worth of sins crawling on his back he’s not trying to shrink and make small a human-shaped apology for the simple fact of his existence not dragging his feet like hes ready for, dreading, a hundred mile trek through the desert repenting hes just. hes literally just Vibing

anyway he's mostly been silent or just providing very quiet "thank you"s but when it turns out that some people showed up ready to play music and there's a song that he knows he literally cant help but start jamming out its the GOod Stim everyones a-dancing and a-jiving and some people start to sing and so of course he does too (the healing power of dancing and singing in cute outfits.... unfathomable) but. ppl recognize his voice

and after a few seconds he notices how quiet it's gotten all of a sudden n everyones looking at him like "oh shit thats the admin" and honestly his heart breaks. visibly

but

then someone starts singing, so quiet it takes a moment for him to hear over the sound of an encroaching panic attack (oh god he has airpods in), but when he looks over theyre smiling - theyre smiling at hiM???? AND IT DOESNT EVEN LOOK MEAN??- and doing this very simple step, that he catches onto just as easily as he matches their singing (its a fairly common little tune n dance)

theyre like standing like a good few meters away but as they take turns with lines in the song they slowly inch closer

and he thinks hes starting to recognize the dance that the steps theyre doing is from but at the part in the song thats coming up ur supposed to allemande left and even tho theyre like, less than a meter away now literally no one has really wanted to get close to him, let alone actually touch him, so hes totally expecting them to be like 'psych' and humiliate him in front of the entire crowd-

BUT THEN THEY ACTUALLY GO FOR IT???

he completes the step without even thinking about it n continues onto the next in this state of dull bewilderment where there is but one braincell active in his head and it is just going, in a very tiny voice, "danser?"

- when they linked arms the person briefly seemed surprised that he didn't like, chew their arm off or anything (he had. kind of snapped at people a few times during the past few weeks), but then their shock turned into a wide smile and they sort of- nodded? at someone over his shoulder like 'come and join us, it doesn't look like he's going to kill me after all you guys can put the eulogy writing on hold'

what rly makes his heart do the confused and hopeful conga is that this isnt even anyone romeo knows, its a total stranger. or- like- he saw them while he was pretending to be jesse he just didnt care to get to know them beyond ‘name and gimmick’- its not even someone who has any reason to think he'd be cool to befriend its literally jsut someone taking a chance on him (tkae a chance take a chance take a chance take a cha)

afterwards hes like "i should thank jesse for putting you up to that, it was fun" and theyre like "what? jesse didn't "put me up to" anything, dude, you just looked super choked. * something something surfer lingo who would i be if i just left someone to feel bad when they could be having fun dancing you know?*"

he H

[archer3-13]

Thoughts on Other Students in 3H

in no particular order

Hubert: evil snake boi, i kinda like you. i just wish there was more actual meat to ya then what there is. still, he does his role effectively and unlike edelgard plays into the whole evil empire thing with more gusto so i ironically find him more palatable because atleast the game isnt trying to pretend he isnt shady as fuck.

Dedue: oddly charming despite his straight laced attitude, he gets some interesting nuance in how well he highly respects (cough loves cough) dimitri and likes individual people from the blue lions, he doesnt have any particular fondness for faerghus as a whole which is definitely understandable given his history. hes essentially using the camus/murdoch aspect of undying loyalty and even borrows elements of the female camuses line of romantic interest in their liege however heavily implied it might be and applying that to a male playable character. Plus he just has some fun and interesting interactions with other characters in general.

Lorenz: I have difficulty saying whether i like him. on the one hand, he ended up being more multidimensional then i thought he was going to be with his internal conflict between keeping up appearances for the sake social status and societal order and his desire to pursue his own personal interests and ideals against the needs of his father and thus societal conventions. on the other hand, the game never really runs with this as much as it should and hes still treated as a bit of a joke character so... c+ to b? 

Ingrid: the token heterosexual of the blue lions whos still kinda gay anyways, her whole struggle with being a knight over a housewife seems a bit odd on the surface considering theres plenty of female knights and no one throws much of a fuss in universe, until you learn that it isnt so much that society expects her to do it as matter of course and more so that shes struggling with whether to pursue personal duty to her family or personal desires and ideals kinda like lorenz. in that respect she hits the mark a bit better then he does.

Raphael: kinda insubstantial but i liked him anyways, his sheer exuberance can be kinda refreshing in the games darker moments and hes got a few angles of his own such as his refusal to consider his parents deaths as part of a larger conspiracy so as to not hurt his friendship with ignatz nor ruin his own life and his sisters. plus hes just generally a nice guy. like a big huggable bear. just a shame that being a nice kinda dumb huggable bear is all thats really done with him.

Ignatz: his painting stuff and personal insecurities about wanting to do it over being a knight which his parents want him to do, more of that duty over desires and ideals thing again, is well enough and his probably misplaced guilt over raphaels misfortunes is definitely a highlight of him but he never really grabs as a character for some reason. probably because theres a lot of other characters in the game that hit those same marks and do it better then him.

Sylvain: has a lot of aspects that never really feel like they get proper follow up, his big thing is less womanizer and more so that he covers up his own mistrust and personal feeling by pretending to be a shameless flirt and philanderer. basically, maybe the emotional pain will go away if i flirt with girls and act the fool. but again there never really feels like theres any proper follow up for all this, others comment on it and then its more often then not dropped in story. hes fun enough but never really realized if that makes sense.

Caspar: shonen protagonist is kinda an apt word to describe him honestly, and that idealism of his clashes with the more grey on grey morality of the world hes within which is never a particularly bad direction to take the shonen bois in if done well like hunter x hunter. And he is done well, or at least satisfactorily to the point that hes another one i ended up liking more then i thought i would. his problem is more so that his interactions with most other characters in the main cast which feel duller then they should on most occasions.

Dorothea: probably gonna get a bit of shit for this, but i have no interest in her. her insecurities about her future and getting a good husband is well and interesting but manuela does that better honestly and outside of that dorotheas a bit... not shallow but hazy and insubstantial if you will. she obviously has appeal to people but like ignatz she failed to grab me in part because others did what she did and better within the game itself.

Ashe: soft boi chose to be soft instead of hard, one of the characters i found liking and one i expected to kinda like to begin with. in game he gets accused of being childish and naive a lot but i dont see it personally, hes not naive but more so tries to look for the best in people and in life like lonato did all those years ago for him. that said, the speed with which lonato dies damages his identity as a character a bit by happening before we really get a chance to feel for his relation to lonato, its not to big a bug bear as it doesnt hurt his character all that much but it does feel a bit frustrating.

Felix: teenage angst personified, his main gripes seem to be a distaste of warrior culture and its glorification of bloodshed and sacrifice but instead of approaching it with sadness or pacifism, he lashes out against what he feels is the unfairness of the world. hes not exactly wrong in his feelings and as a character it makes sense and works for his abrasive attitude, and its an interesting twist to the navarre type to have their isolation come not from stoicism nor sheer blood lust or a combo of the two but rather from a rage against the machine of society mindset.

Ferdinand: he got more interesting as i got farther along, and i personally feel he works the best as a character when going against edelgard since thats where more of his personal drama comes from. hes eager to succeed and prove himself worthy of his title over time and holds a chivalrous mindset very similar to others in the cast but his growth is less about learning how to hold onto those ideals in the face of reality for the sake of personal fulfillment but more so about learning to define himself by himself and not by societies needs. ultimately he comes to value chivalry not because its what people tell him to value but because he truly values it and i enjoy that. but its also why i feel he works better on other routes then edelgards since there hes still valuing himself not for himself but for the expectations society or edelgard in this case is placing him under, one tyrant for another in a sense. i admit i dont remember much about him on edelgards route though because i just like him more on the others.

Leonie: poorly timed support aside, she has an odd charm to her that a lot of modern fire emblem characters just dont have anymore. but knuckling past jeralt senpai shes an interesting blend of stingy and work effort that goes to inform itself and her relations to others. and like a lot of the golden deer she has a lackadaisical attitude of ‘i might not know what the fuck is happening, but i do know someone needs an ass whooping!’ and it works especially well in her case since her character is very attuned towards focusing more on her personal matters then the grand scheme of things because she has rent due in a few months. if she was in a more traditional fe set up she would definitely be a beowolf archtype that you need to pay to recruit. in fact im surprised thats not an option on other routes to begin with for her.

Hilda: honestly suprised me by not being a pure serra type. she has aspects of that on the surface with the selfish almost vain attitude towards life and others bur well serra is more about puffing herself up to hide insecurity and contribute towards a desperate desire for grand social status, Hilda downplays herself and her abilities due to living in her brothers shadow if unintentionally and seeing the stress it can bring. they’re both lazy and vain, on the surface anyways, always getting others to do their work for them but well serra seeks more social status to escape it hilda seeks less social status to escape it. plus it was kinda funny to see hilda act as claudes unofficial number 2 you could still recruit.

Lindhart: Sleepy boi needs a nap and thats kinda it really. exaggeration maybe but unlike a lot of characters in the game and the series as a whole he really doesnt have a reason to be there as a character. as a unit certainly but not a character, in terms of motivation anyways. He hates blood, fighting and violence, hed rather sleep or pursue personal interests then work or politics, hes insightful and intelligent but the important players in the plot have other advisers and hes not interested in stepping up in that regard anyways. his only real reason for being there is academic interest and even then a pin has to be put in that when war breaks out. hes not a bad character overall though, his sleepiness and insight make for an interesting double act along with his blunt mannerisms, i just have trouble pinning down motivations for him.

Mercedes: big team mom energy, which i suppose goes along with the whole being older then everyone thing. a bit dopey and airheaded at first glance shes one of the more receptive characters to how others are feeling and well she does try to nurture shes not above scolding if she feels it would help someone more then praise and reassurance. of course shes also very detached to events of the world mostly just there to help the people around her from the bottom rather then the top which is not an insult and more one of the things i find fascinating about her. it all makes for a very interesting character and one of my personal favorites of the cast.

Annette: overworker, issues with her dad, magic bubbly, and hits things with axes. a nice recipe of a character but it never feels as if the game can get it all to blend properly. more so to the point is that most of these elements work independently of each other and not to inform each other despite the games insistence. theres a lot of dramatic potential involving her father as well and though the game makes the best use of those aspects its not to the benefit of the rest of her character. it doesnt hurt her either though and she has some appealing dialogue with other characters.

Marianne: I had trouble getting to like her, perhaps more so then any other character among the other students. not because i hated her but because shes, well, very boring. alot of the characters in the game are into the self deprecation thing already and well her personality aspects of acting quite and submissive to fall into the background from a lack of self confidence it also feels like the game came up with two different explanations for it and couldnt settle on whether it was because of her adoptive fathers pressure or her families history and instead of weaving both together decided to use them interchangeably. Sometimes shes a wallflower because of her father and a lack of confidence to state her mind and self loathing over that lack of confidence, other times its because of her lineage and self loathing over her cursed history. never really at the same time.

Bernadetta: another odd favorite for me. recent support changes aside, the basic gist of her history remains the same in that her father was a tyrant in regards to her future which caused her to grow up with no confidence and a crippling fear of society, so shes already off to a good start as a character by basically doing mariannes schtik but better. well its hard for me to definitely say she ever grows past that as a character, thats fine in my opinion because her development is less stop being a recluse because society demands you dont and more so about making actual friends and learning that not all people are garbage fires just most of them. in most of her supports anyways. she just feels the most rewarding to interact with alright, and she was the one i always felt the most upset to mess up a speak thing with. Let us hug and stay inside watching cartoons together.

Petra: i went in wanting to like her and really liking her at first, but shes hit a middle of the road for me now. her speech gimmick wasn't particularly egregious and gets even less noticeable after the timeskip, but her actual character is a very straight forward ‘national pride demands independence’ package and doesnt really escape past that boundary all that much. its very understandable motivation, id even go so far as to say that shes the one with the best reasons to betray the empire of the black eagles characters, so like ferdinand i feel she works better outside of the black eagles in term of her own character identity and motivation/development as she finally stands up for her peoples right to exist on their own in an fe6 echidna kinda fashion. outside of that though shes... foreign to the other characters. thats kinda it.

Lysithia: as a unit she hits like a truck, as a character shes functional but hardly revolutionary for the series. i mean i did like her since i have a fondness for her archtype of weird magic prodigy poor social skills, but more so that she doesn't hit any particularly new notes in that regard. Shes a lot of lute, with some delthea childishness in her, some of sanakis sharper political wit and dark history, and a bit of miriels scientist on top. that said its all blended very nicely and she has some nice scenes for herself that got me to feel and care for her, some kinda adorable moments, and a history well woven into the games background and more so then most of the other deer and a lot of the other characters from across the houses in general. for a minor character anyways.

you may now all stone me to death.

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

going back to earlier this afternoon lol (about kms type topix—

(tangent: about the romantic and lofty stuff? some of the shit ive seen straightforwardly presented as Advice for “helping” a friend with this seems to have been more a bad short story for a high school english class than.....anything legitimate or of value at all. and its such a hateful, unsympathetic, disrespectful concept to think that the way to help a friend who wants to die is to yell at them and shame them out of it forever (theres not gonna be a One Dramatic Confrontation Fixes All abt this issue ok) by telling them they need to be less selfish and appreciate the beauty of the world and etc. this is not some philosophical issue about not seeing Life as a beautiful wonder, or else plenty more people would be suicidol from not stargazing enough. and its not selfish to be suffering so badly you want to die, its selfish to go up to that person and tell them the extent of their suffering makes them an awful person who doesn’t deserve any of the love they receive. etc)

anyways the thing is that there isn’t One universal comeback to wanting to kys thats going to fix everything...or really even one concept for each individual that will stop them from wanting to die forever starting now. and not entertaining the idea that the answer is some form of “everyone’s sad sometimes get over yourself, life is beautiful” is a good start—as if the world is divided into happy ppl & suicidle ppl or ppl who stop & smell the roses & ppl who stop and try to figure out if maybe they can poison themselves with the roses. but its just.......equally good to remember that there’s no singular substitute you can offer ppl that will be enough to keep going on in place of a life that is satisfactory in the most basic, necessary ways

like its great and helpful advice to live out of spite. i dont think its bad b/c its “negative” or smthing....even emotions that are labeled negative are healthy and appropriate at times and can even be positive, and anger can be a positive source of power. but you can’t ask someone to live on it—you can offer it for sure as a temporary way to try to motivate yourself to keep going a little further, but i dont think anyone should get the idea that like. being suicidal is caused by or can be fixed by Any One Thing. ppl are lacking basic necessary elements in their life and facing down suffering and don’t feel they have a realistic ability to change all of this, its a big and complex issue for every single person’s situation. there is a lot that is lacking for someone to feel like dying, there is a lot that they need to stop feeling that way.

idk where im going with this, i dont think giving quick hints abt how to try holding off on offing yourself a little longer for ___ reason is bad, like i said thats really the only stuff that seems at all real or even like, not insulting. but its just like....nobody should get the idea that being suicidel is some individual quirk or trip-up & you point some simple thing out & they can be like “ohhh ok” and run forever on absolutely nothing while being punched in the face constantly. like its not all a completely internal issue, its very much external, even “stemming from societal issues” level external.....how many ppls sheer existence is antagonized in very tangible, observable ways. obv fixing society isnt the only way to help someone who wants to die coz thats still stemming from their own life/situation, its still an individual issue. but their individual life stems from essentially infinite factors and intersects with and is affected by so many other ppl and things. its a whole deal thats like, going to have to be adapted to, not forced to fit w some zinger like “life is fragile in death you achieve nothing and its sad :( ok bye”

basically like........at least i wish ppl would be aware that the concept of giving one speech to someone and expecting them to see the light forever now is really just convenient for the person who wants everything to be fixed with a speech, for everything to align w the notion of Life Is Ultimately Good & ppl who dont feel that way just have a misaligned perspective or smthing. like okay sure, but what’s actually being asked of the person who’s suffering is to accept this notion that the only comfort that can be provided them is some truism that doesn’t actually help, and so they basically have to continue living forever at their same level of suffering b/c the only comfort that can be provided to them was that one idea that offered nothing, since that one idea is obviously true

idk like quick Concepts For Not Dying can be definitely true & helpful, who hasnt felt like the only thing they can live for is some $5 purchase they just made online. but nobody should think any of that kind of stuff is the same thing as a substitute for whats so lacking in some ppls lives that they regularly find being alive unbearable

[journey2radianceblogs]

❤3rd week lessons I've learned. ❤

Atl taught me

The longer I stay here the more I become like the people around me. Not in a bad way I filter out the things I need to know that's legit and leave the rest. Im the type person to not share something unless I actually know what I'm talking about to make sure it works for real that way I can be trusted and that's how I would want someone treat me. A place to actually to try whatever you always wanted to do. Whatever is inside you this place it brings that out bc it's slightly different and people encourage you to be your inner true self and embrace it. That status measured differently than back home in bama your status here is based how lavous material things you have. That's everyone has a business literally everyone I'm like who going to be the consumer lol but I guess we have to support the business we like and find helpful. That its country and city ar the same time. That people are direct and sound rude at times.

Things I didnt know about atl

That is so popular to move here

That it's so populated

That it could be a challenge to make legit friends

That I would have to adjust and change into another person

That people move here to pursue their dreams

Dont resist the change just go with the flow bc its shaping

I'm super friendly and that makes me look kinda odd bc u have to get a feel of the person's energy and then say hello

To step out of my comfort zone alot of the confidence came from having my own side hustle and dealing with alot of resistance even when I'm only doing my job or if I slack off in the slightest way I'll hear about it

How expensive it could be to live here I'm like is this yall way of running us away hmmmm....

That my thoughts actually matter and I'm smarter than I think I am

That I stay celibate this long its bc idk anyone here and I dont make time to get to know any gentleman past networking with them bc I want to get my internal issues tohmgether

To accept myself even if I may struggle with anxiety at times maybe due to trauma and in being in a place where the chances of being hurt is real

That getting things broken into at least 1x is common of you living here (even if it's your car that stopped in a parking lot and you had to take the bus home to your hotel that you were living out of at the time) God forbid it happens

13. That living out of a hotel is common (the school bus literally comes to pick kids up from the hotel it's just that normal)

14. That people dont shame people for their preferences in dating (I dont judge either I really still see the person and not their lifestyle choice)

15. That spellman all girl college may be the reason they have some many women here and the fact that alot of men in close proximity have been locked up at least 1x within the short time of me knowing them (like almost every guy my mom ,sister or I ever met) ..odd coincidence...nah cant be

16. That I can actually use my voice for good and be heard

17. I thought was the same as back home but it's not lol it's a slight difference just visiting a few times didnt really tell me much I had to stay eat sleep work here and really see what's happening

18. No matter how tough it got I had to remind myself to resilient and grow up and things did get super hard

Side bar

I remember doing the ugliest of crys that day before my 10yr class reunion and still going anyway I was really going through at work with people mistreating me left to right it had to be bad for me to cry like that but now I cry more often bc I gotta mourn my past and current issues but I pulled it together for the reuion I went alone I was feeling really insecure about not having that family like everyone else had and that success that ALL the nerds had seem to achieve including me i was a nerd with some success but i was comparing g too hard and most of the show offs didnt come out I'm like where yall at I was onsite in a community center which was awkward I'm like sheesh the park would have been better more space but at the last minute we had to do that I'm grateful I wish I would have vlogged like my classmate daniel Owen's did

Heres me doing a skit about a college reunion.

Till next time peace & blessings.

[transient-tutor]

DEREK: -is jake hanging out in the infirmary right now? because the dad-in-law is stopping by. it's not unusual, he's been coming and going the past few days to see dirk but tonight he's here for jake. he knocks on the door to get his attention before just letting himself in.- Yo Jake.

JAKE: -MOST DEFINITELY HANGING OUT IN THE INFIRMARY. Jake is taking an uneasy doze in one of the visitor cots a small distance aways from the comatose patient room. Jake didn't want to be a cumbersome presence to any medical staff that might come in and check on Dirk's vitals from time to time. Plus, just sitting in there was making him incredibly sad.- 

JAKE: -At the sound of Derek's voice, Jake lifts his head up to squint. Feeling for his glasses and starting to roll to sit. Abeit with difficulty. The weariness wouldn't shake off his bones.- Derek? 

JAKE: Youre here? -blinks and sets gaze on his father-in-law, worried all over again.- Something the matter? Is it dirk?

DEREK: -ambles over, shaking his head and waving a bandaged hand in dismissal.- Dont worry. Nothins up. 

DEREK: -plops to take a seat beside him on the cot.- I stopped by to see you.

JAKE: -shoulders sag in relief and he sighs. The biggest dog sigh of them all. Eyeballs the bandaged hand.- Get into a scrum?

DEREK: -holds up his hand and sighs at it.- Yeah with a wall. 

DEREK: It was a lil one sided.

JAKE: Oh well... 

JAKE: Happens to the best of us. -And it does! Though Jake typically fought anything but a wall.- 

JAKE: Youre here at least... having it checked and what not. 

JAKE: Sos the responsibility. -rubs at his neck, making a bit of a face.- Bluh... 

JAKE: Sorry derek. Im... 

JAKE: A few gumptions short of a decent conversation. :(

DEREK: -claps a hand onto jake's shoulder and gives him a sympathetic pat.- No worries. Didnt really come here to conversate anyhow. 

DEREK: Sorry to interrupt your beauty sleep but I wanted to get you outta here for a lil while.

JAKE: Oh uh... -It dawns on him that he's hardly spent any "family" time with Derek. As most affairs they cross paths in were in the company of other people. Also before that, Jake got entirely distracted by dating his son.- At this time of night? 

JAKE: Where would we go? -He asks this question but he lives the married family life, Derek. Understand him.-

DEREK: -he gets it. he's been there. but he also adamantly refuses to grow up in many regards, so the world remains his oyster.- Anywhere. 

DEREK: Life aint come to a screeching halt outside. If anything its bustling more than it has in who knows how long. 

DEREK: Figured we could hop in that jeep of yours and see whats goin down out there. You up to it?

JAKE: Well its not but... -looks onward, probably in the direction Dirk's room is. Whines internally. Whines eternally.-

DEREK: -sighs through his nose. yeah, he gets that too.- Just to take our minds off things for a lil while. 

DEREK: Itll be fun. Come on. -he's not above peer pressuring you, jake.-

JAKE: -It's easier to fold when Jake imagines that Derek is telling him to go, rather than suggesting they do.- Oh... 

JAKE: Alright.. 

JAKE: But lets not be long. -pries himself off the bed, again. Reluctantly.-

DEREK: -claps him on the back before hopping to his feet again.- Thats the spirit. 

DEREK: -takes the liberty of leading the way out the door. he doesn't really seem to be waiting around for him to catch up.-

JAKE: -Well that's fine... Jake knows where the Jeep is parked and is also the only one present with a key for it. He takes his time texting his friends in the infirmary about where he's heading off to. He meets up with Derek in the cargo bay.- Ill be frank... 

JAKE: I havent thought to set foot outside since... 

JAKE: My imprisonment i suppose.

DEREK: Thats reasonable. 

DEREK: Cant say Ive had much need to. -leans on the jeep nonchalantly. he wants to drive it... but he will have to ask for the keys. use your words, derek.- But I hear its safer out there. People just rebuildin their lives. 

DEREK: And thats cool. -holds out his hand.- Anyway gimme your keys to this thing. -he did it.-

JAKE: -There's a whole second Jake is reluctant to... before he passes them to Derek.- 

JAKE: ... 

JAKE: This was our wedding gift. -blurts. He can't help it. The associations are still there.- :(

DEREK: -snatches them up, then turns towards the vehicle.- ... Yeah. -HE BETTER NOT CRASH IT THEN. he's been known to do this with cars that don't belong to him.- 

DEREK: -gets into the driver's side.- Its a good one. John got it for you right?

JAKE: -climbs in and sits in the passenger side. The sad faces intensify.- Yes. :C

DEREK: -damn, this is gonna be harder than he thought. probably not gonna be the wild night he was hoping for, but he can improvise.- 

DEREK: -produces a six pack of booze from his sylladex and holds them out to him.- Have one. -yes, he's telling him to do this again.-

JAKE: Wh... 

JAKE: -suddenly taking booze in his lap.- Were not driving under any influences are we?

DEREK: -jesus CHRIST.- Im not gonna. -for now-

JAKE: I think id have to stop you if we were sir! Family statuses aside. -HUFFS.-

DEREK: -smirks a little at him as he starts up the jeep.- Good to know. 

DEREK: But I insist. You have at it. 

DEREK: -and with that he TAKES OFF. the ship is landed somewhere out in the wilderness, but not too far from the minneapolis area still. plenty of municipalities to check out, but instead derek is taking a scenic route.-

JAKE: -dont mind if he rolls down the window. He likes the feel of the wind in his hair and especially his mustache.- Well... 

JAKE: I watch plenty of television and im sure theres a law some place that reads there cant be open beverages in a moving vehicle! 

JAKE: So im sure wherever were going it can wait. -sets the boozes down at his feet. That's that.-

DEREK: Oh come on its basically lawless out here. 

 DEREK: Man youre a real goodie two shoes. -says so with a good natured snicker. he's just trying to loosen him up... what a shame it's failing. maybe it's not in the cards. he pauses, hesitant to say what he's thinking but he's derek so he'll say it anyhow.- 

DEREK: You must keep Dirk in line then huh?

JAKE: Shucks i wouldnt go that far. -feeling his face flushing in color. Absently, Jake fiddles with the ring on his finger.- Its just... 

JAKE: Second nature i suppose? Thinking and... 

JAKE: Doing my darndest to plan ahead. -he trails off. Feeling sad all over again.- But you dont want to hear this. We um. 

JAKE: Ought to focus ahead and all. Coming all this way.

DEREK: -glances at him- Well the plan was to take it easy. Sure. 

DEREK: But now I feel like talking about him too. 

DEREK: Its nice hearin this stuff. -sobers up rather suddenly.- 

DEREK: You know were not as close as Id like to be. Me and him. 

DEREK: Guess I can kinda live vicariously through all yall that are when you talk about that sorta thing. What all is goin on in your day to day. Shit like that.

JAKE: Why not? 

JAKE: The lack of closeness i mean.

DEREK: Well... -drums fingers on the steering wheel.- He dont like me too much. 

DEREK: Guess weve been working on that but its slow going. 

DEREK: I cant blame him anyways.

JAKE: Right... -If it helped Derek any, Jake had no reason to have hard feelings about him.- I cant imagine why. My impressions always been that youre as swell a fella as it gets! 

JAKE: Whats there more to say about it? -But no really, he's curious.-

DEREK: -goes quiet for a moment but it's fine, he just scoffs.- People tell me there aint nothin left to say anymore. 

DEREK: But I wasnt always a swell fella.

JAKE: Oh... -Truth be told, he had a hard time picturing anyone as totally a bad person. Jake glances at him, a glimmer of optimism for his father-in-law.- Its a dog eat dog world im told... 

JAKE: Some folks do whats best they think is needed for survival. -looks away then, watching the passing scenery. So dark out...- I know its true for me.

DEREK: That dont always make it right. 

DEREK: But that aint somethin you gotta worry about. Youre an indisputably good guy. 

DEREK: -decides to make a turn down some dirt road.- And a great dad.

JAKE: Good... golly. Gulp.  -if it's Derek's intention to make Jake blush again, it's working. Too much positivity in one sitting, his eyes are starting to water. Jake scrubs his face with the back of one hand. There they go, down some dirt road.-

DEREK: -IT ISNT EXACTLY, but he is making extra effort to be sincere with jake.- ... -glances at him.- 

DEREK: Its true. 

DEREK: Times like these really make or break a man. 

DEREK: ... And Ill be real with you it is shit like this which made me a bad guy. I let that happen. 

DEREK: Cuz I thought I had to do it alone. 

DEREK: -drums fingers on the steering wheel.- Just remember youre not alone alright?

JAKE: I know it. Its not... 

JAKE: Me im torn all over for. -swallows hard as it turns out his attempt to curb the water works failed. Jake sits there with tears dripping.-

DEREK: -frowns at the road ahead of him. he's not the best at expressing his sympathy, not always, but it's a little easier when some of that pain is shared. he reaches over to grip at jake's shoulder for a moment.- Yeah. I get it.

JAKE: -the simple gesture of squeezing his shoulder has Jake's heart wrenching even more. The most he can do is wring out a handkerchief to blow his nose into. Jake English doesn't go anywhere without it.-

DEREK: -this poor kid... he can't believe he carries around a handkerchief though. he clears his throat to suppress a chuckle about it and retracts his hand to place both back on the wheel.- 

DEREK: I dont wanna make promises that itll be alright but... Youve got me and Riley and Dave and the whole goddamn clan to make shit easier where we can.

JAKE: -sniffles again and focuses on folding the hankerchief away. He'll have to wash this later.- Oh i know i... 

JAKE: ... 

JAKE: I feel just awful... thinking to ask when i cant even be fucking bothered to hold my own. -seems to be telling himself this more than Derek.- Ive held worse. Ive... endured worse. 

JAKE: And so has everyone else. Its... -rests his elbow just outside the window, looking out again.- Magnanimously stupid of me. I shouldnt ask more of everyone.

DEREK: -brows knit as a familiar kind of pain wrenches at his insides. how does he even begin to explain how well he understands?- 

DEREK: I know. 

DEREK: When you wanna keep it together so nobody else has gotta add you to their long list of troubles. 

DEREK: Even when you feel like youre fallin apart. 

DEREK: Its frustratin. 

DEREK: Like fuck. You should be able to handle this. 

DEREK: You got to. -grips the steering wheel tight, but when he notices they've arrived at their impromptu destination, he loosens his hold and slows the vehicle to a stop next to one of the many lakes around here.- 

DEREK: -turns to look at jake.- Youre a strong person Jake. 

DEREK: I know you got this. 

DEREK: But I aint offerin my help cuz I think you need it. 

DEREK: Im doin it cuz youre family.