#the body of work left behind
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Keepsakes
Keepsakes
The Robe hanging on your door,
was a holiday gift from your husband in 1964.
The threadbare elbows and the seat is worn through, yet it was good enough to hang on to.
Why buy another when this has a few more years of life left in it.
Your Russian roots are all over the place, the perpetual calendar stopped sometime before 1999.
The crochet slippers you made but never gave to…
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#all the things left behind#Babushka#breast cancer#Dying#Grand mothers#Hospice#Keepsakes#perpetual calendar#poetry#Prose#the body of work left behind
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Ghouls night out
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#Scopophobia#Don't be mean Lan Wangji - the dead girl aesthetic is a curated one. Support women's rights to look dead!#I have been waiting for this scene for ages...the ghost girl entourage is such a good look for WWX.#And by gods does the audio drama actually do something interesting with one of them.#Namely that we actually get to see WWX talk with them and learn about who they were and what they left behind.#I love necromancer characters but it's way too common for them to be like “Go! Ghost no.145!” like they're a pokemon#and not...you know...someone who had a whole life that they left behind.#I love me a necromancer who has an awareness to whose soul/body they are using. It adds a lot of flavour!#MDZS is a little hit or miss with this. I think the fans do a lot of the work with making Mo Xuanyu a bigger character.#Yi City has this in spades. Even though we don't individually get character backstories#We get many painful reminders about how these 'corpses' were people.#We also get a few lines about how WWX used whatever corpses he could get his hands on (including grandparents - Woof!)#MDZS often (but not always) likes to remind us that every sacrifice and every ghost was a person.#It is so close to nailing the landing regarding the deconstruction of the necromancer character.#Anyhow. You may have noticed the uptick in quality in the last two comics. Rule of three means next one is going to be a treat B*)#See you all very soon!
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what if i put my life in your hands?
what if i took your life in mine?
#okay look there's a reason i've been obsessed with this scene for 21 slutty slutty years#imagine for a second you're yue#your master—whom you loved more than your own existence—decided his work was finished and didn't need you anymore#and he pushed you into the dark where you slept for centuries until a little girl woke you up by sheer dumb luck#you now are trapped in this horrible new era where everything is too loud and too fast and too bright#you're also trapped in a body that isn't yours jockeying for room with a completely separate soul that you don't know or particularly like#and you're draining your meager stores of magic to the dregs in order to keep the two of you alive#under the surface of tsukishiro yukito you're drowning—and the both of you are fading away entirely#and then this boy#pulls you to the surface of yourself#and says with his whole heart 'i won't let you disappear'#he smiles at you and teases you and then pours his not inconsiderable power into you#and you take and you take and you take and he never says stop#he never says only a little but no more#he holds you close and lets you sup on the very marrow of his magic until there's nothing left and he's simply an ordinary human#and for the first time in centuries—perhaps ever—you feel full#when you finally step away and ease his unconscious body onto the bed as gently as you can manage#you murmur that you ought to thank him#but it's such an inadequate way to convey your gratitude#how do you give thanks for what you've made him lose?#you put your life in his hands and he cradled it as if it were precious... and then he gave you his own in return#in the world before this one you would have been as good as wed#you thumb the swell of his cheek and allow yourself one last look at your would-be husband#and then turn around to face the threat behind the door#as it creaks open to reveal a little body wracked with sobs you think you would face anything that would dare come for him or his sister#not because it is your duty as the guardian of the cards#but because you love them#touya/yue#ccs#yue
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it’s actually wildly funny that amethar’s epithet came about because he was the only person in his family not horrifically murdered. imagine if every single one of your relatives got stabbed and from that point on everyone called you “johnny no-stabs." that’s amethar’s life
#his life is SO sad and SO funny#and frankly I have a lot of ideas for ways we could make it sadder#like killing ruby in the cathedral fight#(we get rococoa on the way back to candia and amethar should be happy but he can’t help feeling like there’s some sick trade at work#like when he was in that cathedral wishing for his big sister back—wishing she could come fix his mistakes—#he spent just a second too long being willing to offer up *anything* in exchange#how can he not blame rococoa? how can he not hate what’s left of her? the only person he hates more is himself)#also. killing liam as he tries to drag jet’s body back to the castle alone#(how can he not when he left ruby’s body behind in the cathedral?#how can he not when he was the one who wasn’t strong enough or quick enough to save her sister?)#(and then amanda maillard follows them out of the castle.#and amethar looks to his wife—who may not have loved him but did love their daughters—for comfort#and she won’t even look at him. and she’s in amanda’s arms)#just like. kill that dude’s family#amethar the unfallen for real. everybody he loves dies. and he has to keep going and going and going#a crown of candy#dimension 20
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...
#had an interesting conversation with my sister the other day. odd i guess bc my sister is pretty smart#on paper shes smarter than me. or at least less dyslexic than me#but she didnt seem to kno what cancer is. i mean like how it works. i mean. cancer is a mistake. a confluence of unfortunate accidents#leading to unrestrained cellular growth. when it metastasizes. when it moves to other parts of the body. those same cells continue growing#if u have smooth muscle cancer and it moves to your kidney. you body is trying to grow more smooth muscle on your kidney#at least as i understand it. and she asked why it wants to kill you. it doesnt want anything. it just is. its not a thing of malicious#intent. its neutral. it grows. it takes up resources. it takes up space. and it grows and grows until the organ it grows on stops#functioning properly. like a parasite she said. but no. not like a parasite. it grows like an empty space. a mass of flesh. a constant#obstructive pressure. it grows like only a tumor can. i dunno. it didnt seem to connect with her that this thing didnt want to kill our mom#but it did anyway. and she felt weird about how long she lived after they took her off any support. but thats how cancer kills#it stops an organ from functioning and most of those r important so it only takes one. so her heart kept beating for 12 more hrs bc it was#meant to beat for 40 more years. but not much it could do without working kidneys and without working blood#but that's life. that's death. that's nature. its all nutral even if it feels horrible to the individual.#i dunno. i thought it was interesting. shes 25 and her mother had cancer for 10 years so id think shed kno more#we're at a weird phase now bc its been a week since she died and everything feels normal. we'll see what happens at the wake this week#its been interesting for sure bc she was sick for 10 years but my parents didnt prepare at all for her to die#so my dad is scrambling to put together the pieces shr left behind to make sure that all the bills r paid and whatnot. he had to guess her#computer password. she didnt tell us what she wanted us to have. she didnt tell us the importance of her jewelry and who it belonged to#before her. i dunno. we're seeing the outline of my mothers Pathology in what she left behind. both in the physical objects and in the#feelings she imparted. i dunno. its been weird#unrelated
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controversial take but I think jon would have gouged out his eyes if Martin had said yes.
#the magnus archives#Tma#jonathan sims#Tw: eye trauma#Like Jonathan doesn't give a single shit about his body#But he does care very much about his team and not letting everyone else die/beating elias#Jonathan Sims wouldn't have left Martin behind which is why he didn't try#Au where jon sits them all down and is like so here's the plan#Melanie immediately stabs her eyes out#Daisy decides last minute to not bc barisa wants to stay#Jon and Martin have a very sad romantic moment where they stab each other's eyes out#Not that it works#At that point I don't believe anything jon would have done could have stopped or devierted the course#But imagine if everybody else blinded themselves#Jon managed to gouge his eyes out but it didn't sever the link#So now it's just jon and basira stuck in the archives together#Basria is even more convinced than Canon that jon is a monster#And also resentful the dasia left her#Jon is even more heart stick bc it's not like he can contact Martin now#Not if he wants him safe#All the characters have the worst oppion of jon and I just don't see it#Like is he a jackass? Yes#Did he make the wrong decision nearly everything? Yes#But that was due to manipulation and lack of information more than anything else#Tim was the only one valid for hating jon#I will die on this hill
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to me elemental creatures are just one big ‘brain’ lumped together of elemental essence and made of memories
slimes are simple and small because they’re not made out of much and have no capability for thought. hypostasis cubes are intelligent, but wield a form that does not allow for much communication with the world—they are beyond the nature and humanity of the world (cube shaped)
memories shape experiences shape communication. sylvie, as someone who was born among humans from their very first breath, has always had humanity shape them and their memories, which are a wealth of 5000 years of life (minus 1000 for their coma)
a bodily injury, although severing the ‘brain’ that is their body, does not remove their memories because their whole body retains all of it. corruption and corrosion of it through abyssal energy, if not effectively removed in a timely manner while supplying them with more energy, will erode memories. dispersal of their body for too long outside of their skin/a sturdy form will result in their memories ‘seeping’ back to the natural flow of the leylines and elements, leaving them with gaps that eventually will result in their personality getting corroded too far
death to an elemental being is a loss of the memories and experiences that make you who you are
#[ augh my brain is still on that ask LMFAO ]#[ physical death is not rlly something that can kill sylvie ]#[ but the loss of their memories and experiences will ]#[ or u know. nuking their whole body also works in a way nothing is left behind ]#[ or nuking them so bad they can’t reform their body in time so their memories disperse back into the land ]#[ i guess u could technically reform them thru irminsul in that way ]#[ but you’d need to painstakingly 1. know how to manipulate irminsul 2. find their memories ]#ooc // aid talks.#[ and u know not have it corrupted cause then those aren’t recoverable ]
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Glad this post came out of queue on the day I was discussing fat bodies and nose rings + chains with him, second being specifically about me wanting to wear one as a symbol of marriage with him
I don't know what exactly happened to make Vahana form go from thick and tall to... almost abtractly proportioned very thin and feminine. Something just changed. You can still tell that I'm the same person, it's the same root humanoid expression... But it just. changed one day
There's definitely something to miss about it. I've always said that the Day Sky is big, I'm... What. 250 pounds now on the physical plane, this body echoes the heaviness and presence of the Day Sky because... Well, there's a lot to be said about disability and binge disordered eating issues which are. my business, but there's something about this body that just... I need this much space. It's hard to talk about what I want to talk about because I look inside myself and hi, all those little parasite things lmfao, but getting past that there's a sense that I need so much space to exist in as the Sky itself
The reason the parasite things are hard to look past is because they fractalise in on themselves making space hard to quantify lmfao but anyway
I just... Lev was around a lot when I was... like how I was before, bigger in the astral. I used to say I was the same weight just different height, no lmfao body dysmorphia I would've been way heavier in the astral w all that muscle and bone in the extra height but... Point is. Embodiment for me involves fatness, there's presence that's needed in order for me to exist as myself. I expand, spill, into multiple bodies, I try to keep myself reigned in and do so obsessively but like... I'm not meant for that
Anyway. Lev was around a lot. That train of thought. Huge bodies (in terms of length, in terms of dwarfing planets), devouring, claiming substance of reality itself as our own... Heavy presence, filled atmosphere, the Day Sky is not empty it is grave with devoured scattering light... He's telling me to get back on track but I don't know if there is a track irt this train of thought. I follow him, I embody him acting as a body for him, something about that spills into fat and muscle and bone. Oh yeah, I have thoughts I want to write on him and veils and using animal parts like consciousness uses meat, and... I've been coaxing him further and deeper into manifested reality bit by bit...
Earlier, I was... I wont say working with the sky, I'm not going to belittle and minimise myself. I was just being the sky, and my body as the wind was hard to be around, immense energy, whatever. Hard to be around as in it was full, the space was basically taken up by my energy, the experience was trying to press into a crowd of bodies, no space, no pushing will get you in.
I guess being the multiple people I am, I'm always going to swing between states that feel right... I cant say the way i was before during DKB years - heavier, more outwardly "masculine" but still NB - isn't feeling... uh... Hmm.
#ramblings //#form: vahana //#And it feels weird talking about it as Vahana. I was Duke back then. There shouldn't be a distinction bc Vahana is just a label#for the form I take but for some reason... I think I'm just. taking in who I am again#I've been very Gold but I kinda left Black behind in terms of Being which.... I needed to get my black and gold eyes back lmfao#I've been. sort of. trying to work on that. They're the core expression of me. my signature. my presence. Like I literally sign things with#them and use them in sigils but in recent times I've had ones like my physical body has - black-olive-esque surrounded by white - and uh#I think it's a sign that I haven't been taking myself seriously. Having those eyes I mean. How can I be me without my black-gold eyes#And of course that's not saying the black-gold eyes are somehow literally the cause it's more about what causes them to be visible in the#first place but. I just. Have not been taking myself seriously. And wholly. And for all that the DKB years were drenched in delusion....#I knew a lot about who I was intuitively. I was to some degree embodied#Anyway!
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Chapters: 1/?
Fandom: Original Work
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Relationships: nonbinary original character/nonbinary original character, Quincy Bicolor (original character/Lyatriss (original character)
Characters: Quincy Bicolor (original character), Lyatriss (original character)
Additional Tags: Original Character(s), Mermaid Character, merman? he's nonbinary. he's a fish., setting is modern universe in a made up swamp, POV Alternating, POV First Person
Summary:
Deep in a swamp in its own patch of nowhere, there was a house for sale for dirt-cheap. Nothing runs that low without a catch, but Lyatriss's life has been one long series of catches for the past five years, and at least moving here is on her own terms. She was prepared for the disrepair to be just shy of unsalvageable and she thought she was prepared for the rural life. She wasn't prepared for the loneliness, and she really wasn't prepared for the swamp monster.
#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I'm actually doing it#still working on the Tav fic btw. I was just possessed#<- guy that belongs body and soul to water and aches for the rural life it left behind
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the dynamic between juxt and ny is unparalleled. they learn from each other without meaning to. they're both jealous of the other. they inspire each other to be better. they absorb each other's worst habits. they seem like they would get along least but they understand each other in a way no one else can
#ghost post#going FERAL#slight spoilers for the story that will take long enough to get into readable form that no one will remember these tags anyways#at one point the five of them get bodyswapped and ny ends up in juxts body so he gets juxts magic#and that whole mini plot is meant to be funny as they all try to act like nothing happened and all that#except at the end they're like. wait a minute where's ny?#and juxt goes and finds ny in his body curled up and crying from the overload of minding reading and future sight#all ny can say is it hurts. and juxt says i know.#THAT IS THE MOMENT two things happen: juxt now makes sure ny doesn't get left behind. and ny decides he can't ever show his suffering again#bc juxt has it worse all the time and HE never complains about it#cooking up a later scene where juxt finds out ny has been hiding a pretty bad injury and he asks why he didn't say anything#and ny says well you don't ever complain so i shouldn't either#juxt says that's different and ny says how?#and then they work on letting other people help them with their problems together <3#yeah thats good thats canon now
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And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"
I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse
And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa
And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house
I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished
...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)
And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff
There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government
No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)
Like have some accountability there and in every situation
Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free
If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off
I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)
But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced
Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around
I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)
...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change
(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)
(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)
#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem#shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide#what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne#...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain#and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make#but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves#not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here'#it's sick; it truly is#but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better#we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair#only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide#the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same#you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help#that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink#get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope#we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said#'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die'#I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up#I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure#and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty#my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows)#...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more...#and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet#it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last#...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind#I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die#and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income#given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now#mm tag so i can find things later
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✨ larks song of the week ✨
#songs of the week#cried all the way home today!!#there is something wrong with my brain! can’t focus on anything lately#like i’m driving through fog at night and also i keep forgetting who i am and how to be a person#you know when you wear contacts too long and they get a little dirty so it’s hard to see and you feel like you’re missing something?#that’s how my brain has been working lately#anyway if jesus died for all our sins he left one behind the body im in#Spotify
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Sorry to beat the dead horse I live in lately but I'm so tired. A break from social media probably could help. If I figure out how else to occupy my time doing absolutely nothing. It's what I say every fucking day. Just wish I had friends. People my age around here to talk too. Even younger. Anything. I'm so fucking lonely. I love everyone I talk to online, I have meaningful connections with so many of you but I also haven't had meaningful conversation IRL in idk. Years probably. I haven't seen any of my old friends because we moved and I had to isolate myself because no one really wanted to hang out with me or could get here. And I really don't do anything, I can't be stressed. I can't be depressed I can't. I can't. I can't. Just like every adult in my life says. I don't know. I just wish I could actually see it's going to get better. Be better for me
#this is everything I've already said. I've never seen a future that has me in it. 4th grade cemented that fact for me. And I've been living#it since. I just don't know anymore#I missed out on so much and I'm so stupid. I am. I don't bring anything to the floor. I don't have any skills. Nothing worthwhile. Nothing#meaningful. What do I bring to the world except another useless body? Some sick animal left at the back of the pack to be killed off so#everyone else runs free.#nothing's working out for me. nothing's clicking into place. no opportunities. everyone's moving forward and I'm stuck behind. and it's#probably for the better isn't it? if I just fade out from everyone's lives. just stop. it hasn't gotten better no matter the effort I put#forward or the risks I take or anything.#one step forward five steps back and i fell and tumbled down the steps and i broke something and my stairs are icy and everyone else has ic#spikes. and their steps are an escalator. They're buckled in taken up. and mine are crumbling and overused and been here too long and it#just isn't ever going to be better is it? not for me. not ever.#generational trauma is a circle and i need to self cannibalize to end it. drink my own blood to rid myself of what isn't right.#no rebirth. no salvation. just an end. there's nothing to save.
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MOTW NPC Rach Lombardi, Mark's toxic ex who got ripped to shreds by dogman and then whose revenant ghost latched onto someone else who was on their own dogman revenge quest (player character Tatara)
she's fun.
#ragsycon exclusive#ragsymakes#artists on tumblr#oc art#monster of the week#oc rach#she's conniving and self-serving and manipulative#which means she's very fun to play in game. love to rp an absolute garbage person#she and mark dated for awhile in their early to mid twenties#it was all around a really terrible relationship but he didn't really know it until well afterwards.#the entire time what he thought was positive attention was really just her using him to get what she wanted#up to and including using him as leverage to get to his brother stuart who she was seeing behind mark's back for a while#and he found out by complete chance. walked in on them after getting home from work early#and to mark's shock and disgust at this betrayal she just said 'eh that's fine. i was done with you anyway' and kicked him out right there#mark had a fairly significant breakdown over it and just. left town. ghosted everybody and got a job at a watchtower deep in the woods#didnt talk to anyone for years. became an unwitting forest cryptid (different can of worms). let all of his baggage fester for way too long#until stuart managed to get a hold of him and invited him on a Brotherly Reconciliation Camping Trip And Rach Is There Too#and rach did what she's good at which was needling mark's insecurities and insisting he's overreacting when he got upset#but at this point mark was possessed by an evil spirit that turned him into a feral dogman when angry (again. different can of worms)#and the dogman came out and attacked and killed her. total carnage. stuart was away getting firewood when it happened.#mark at this point had no memory of any of this dogman transformations so he woke up covered in blood next to rach's corpse and freaked out#as did stuart#so this Brotherly Reconciliation Camping Trip was kinda the last time they've seen each other since#and later on rach's earthbound ghost finds someone who is on a revenge quest for several other deaths at the hands (paws?) of the dogman#and this other person is already being guided by the spirits of her deceased loved ones#and rach. ever the opportunist. latches onto the other person to maybe get vengeance for her own death#sapping away the strength from the other spirits to make herself strong enough to DO anything#to say 'how fucking dare you' when the other person chooses to offer mark mercy instead of outright killing him#to decide she can finally take matters into her own hands and take over the other person's body and do the dirty work herself
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#look this was probably the most experimental post i've ever done considering i had to make the newspaper article from scratch#and to be entirely honest i uuuh im not happy with it lmao#i should've done an obituary instead of the article but too late ! i have no energy to start again#but whatever .the point is that the article is supposed to allude to alex's death okay so yes obituary would've worked better but too bad#idk i think i just had a massive brain blegh halfway through which sucks because i was thinking about this post all day#but the idea behind the whole concept and the QUOTE in the first place and the stupid article concept#was the idea that nigel wasn't the only one to kill himself at the end of the film#alex did too . just not in the literal sense#alex kills the old version of himself . kills the who he used to be#this did not do that quote or the intention behind the post justice but i'm just gonna dump it here and go#also deep in tags is the best place for me to put the random shit i'm thinking of and i've had the trainyard scene on my mind lately#but i left my thoughts to simmer too long and now it's been reduced into thickness 😞 but anyway#greg may have been too much of a coward to give them the maraclea ending they deserved#but he will never be able to take away the fact that the trainyard scene will always be their version of the myth TO ME and me only probs#okay because that story is supposed to parallel the typical conventions of marriage - the consumation when he lays with the body#and then 9 months later the skull symbolises a birth resulting from their union#that moment at the railway ? where nigel shoots himself with the very gun alex is holding?#that's their consumation babes; their union; their wedding#'pray for me pray for yourself we're one now' may as well be their vows#and what do we get as a result of that union 9 months later? we get jack#jack is the product of these 2 people becoming 1 and just like the skull granted great power to the lord#so too does jack grant power to alex; the power to take control of his life and forge his own path forward#me making this post 🤝 cats : oooooo big stretch#seriously#lowkey glad no one will see this in the tag search lmao#like minds
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The funny thing about constantly telling yourself that things could be worse is that sometimes. They are :)
#youd think the moldy trailer was gonna be rock bottom#but apparently its staying in a basement covered in the dust of a thousand thousand catshits#with the same people who traumatized me over 22 years until I moved into the moldy box in the first place :)#because im STILL dumb enough to believe their promises after decades of betrayal! or more accurately i dont get the choice lol#either way if i dont get outta here fast it is game the fuck over. been too much mental and physical pain for this shit to be worth it#fucked anyway given how much debt and permanent degenerative damage has been done but at least I can live whatever shit years I get left#in relative peace#I mean fuck I used all my fucking energy yesterday doing shit for them instead of taking care of my own stuff and WHY#all I got was get asked over and over to work even fucking harder like what the fuck did I expect#years pass and nothing changes for the better with these people what the fuck#and even if I DO manage to find somwhere to stay with folks who WONT lie to me for years to abuse my labor and psyche#I'll be broken in body and mind and spirit and ill need a job within the week to not fall behind#i still havent gotten on my feet and every attempt to rely on family. no matter who.#was just an excuse for them to use me for all I had for nothing in return#cant exactly find roommates with no money no credit no will to live and 20 problems on top of that that mean I cant pay rent yet#and without any family who wont try to kill me slowly or any friends who arent so fucked themselves they cant help its lookin like#im fucked once again gang#to think i was so fucking close to escaping all of this before the pandemic happened lol. even what I had then just isnt possible anymore#if I hear one more baseless 'things get better with time :)))' I WILL vomit until I choke to death like buddy that just isnt true sometimes#straight up some people are born to eat shit and die. babies get cancer. its been 24 consecutive years of eating it and I aint whistful fam#not anymore at least#keep sayin 'well it could be worse' when its about the worst its been and youre just asking fate to prove you right#only reason Im not completely homeless instead of technically homeless is that folks actually on the streets are much tougher sort than I#gonna jinx this whole fuckin rant but it really is a fuckin joke. i cant live like this but most folk Ive met on the street#would jump the moon just to live in the moldy trailer I got kicked out of let alone a filthy basement.#this COULD be a home I could work and live out of. fellas is it picky to prefer despair over living with people who traumatize you#does that answer change depending on circumstance and time or is there truly no justification in not making your life worth it#or am I really just the pathetic stoner burnout dropout that my folks see me as? I mean categorically yes.#is there any justification redemption or even just comfort to be found in that state considering the Weight that induced it#does it even matter if no other person knows what that Weight has been or for how long its built. if no one ever will know? whats the point
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