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makiema · 4 years

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finally finished writing about how much stormbringer enhances the skk dynamic which was at a nascent stage in Fifteen and anticipates the developments which happen later and culminate in Dead Apple where the faith they have in each other is absolutely remarkable! the fact that i said i’d do this in a few hours yesterday but it took me like 24 hrs to finish i have an attention span of a whole 2 minutes 💀

my favorite thing about stormbringer is that it actually builds up on the concepts/themes introduced in Fifteen so it's a glimpse into what has changed in dazai and dazai & dhuuya after one year of being together. As much as it's about chuuya confronting his past and his identity this is also about dazai’s development from who he was in fifteen. chuuya and rimbaud both left their marks on dazai and in Stormbringer we see him, actually trying to emulate or follow in a sense a way of life, that chuuya and rimbaud represented. Stormbringer is not just about chuuya, abt his test of humanity, or he coming in terms with who or what he is. it's about dazai too. it's about dazai developing or at least attempting to develop what he calls “boyish”/ “ordinary” in Fifteen. its not about chuya having an identity crisis. in fact what we understand from Code 04's last section is that chuuya never considered it as his crisis and neither did dazai. so to dazai “saving chuuya is important, human or not doesn't matter” and when dazai gives chuuya time to think abt what the operation will cost him chuuya doesnt so much as flinch form his purpose. This goes on to show unlike verlaine he doesnt care about memory and certainly doesnt consider it as the only determinant of someone being human. He cares more abt yokohama and his friends and in that, in caring abt his “family”, he is just as human as the next person. whether he’s factually human or not comes secondary to his desire to save people. This is a message that the quality of being human has more to do with embodying human qualities or humanity than having memories and lineage. so yeah stormbringer is essentially about embracing humanity but this happens on 2 levels: both chuuya and dazai embrace humanity. Going back to the boyish or ordinary bit, im talking abt this segment:

here dazai is shocked because he assumed everyone “gangsta” and everyone crazy powerful delighted in homicide, in deliberately indulging in the macabre. but he is proved wrong. He logically concluded that anyone with power more than average and belonging to the underground would kill people and delight in that because it’s a given they lack any kind of moral understanding. To that end, they’d be exalted at the prospect of relentlessly shooting a dead body, mutilating it and dishonoring it. The mafia code (any general mafia code) works in a way where honor and death goes hand in hand. So only the lowest of the low would do that to a dying person, who even when faced with certain death is loyal to his own organisation. This really shows that even within the mafia dazai is the only person whos like the devil incarnate. So yeah dazai at this sate far lower than even a mafia member. But chuuya who actually embodiess the mafia code and is incredibly loyal to his organisation and “family” [ putting family in quotes bc he himself calls his friends family 🥺] ofc kicks the gun away. From dazai’s pov chuuya being as insanely powerful as he is should also do the same. But chuuya comes along and suggests that even enemies should be shown respect where it’s due. And that is what an ordinary person, oblivious to mafia life (mafia life as in waht dazai makes of it) thinks. So in undermining the binary between “ordinary” and “mafia” chuuya proves that being mafia doesnt necessarily mean selling your soul to the devil and giving up the last smidge of humanity. In fact by embodying qualities like compassion and kindness and mutual respect, you can make the mafia a better place for yourself and for the other members. Now in Stormbringer, we see how this affected dazai. here dazai is introduced as someone mercilessly killing to set up the channel.

Now to expand the channel one would need to keep doing it right? To mercilessly kill ppl and stuff but instead what he does is hand the channel over to chuuya bc he knows chuuya wouldnt handle it like him. im not suggesting that dazai miraculously becomes v good or anything with dazai the key words is “try” or “to some extent” like in Fifteen when Chuuya asks “do u wanna live” he’s like “ not to that extent”. similarly its not to say he doesnt kill people anymore. it is that he tries to lessen the number of casualties by handing over one of the most troublesome channels to chuuya who would manage it in a much more humane way. That dazai draws from his friends/at least tries to is smth we’ll see again later on when he deals with akutagawa. He talks about odasaku and ofc its baffling to him that a mafia member as powerful as him would be taking acre of orphans. and dazai says but he cant afford to be that kind and proceeds to shoot akutagswa but again does so in a calculated way such that he doesnt end up killing him ( im NOT justifying dazai’s abuse not at all im just saying that its hard to believe he coincidentally knew the exact no of bullets that aku could block. and had odasaku’s words and his way of life not been in the back of his mind he could’ve ended up killing aku) coming back to chuuya and dazai we also see him avoiding further conversation on the jewelry channel thing as he says “leave that for now”. He does a similar thing again when mori brings up the concept of double suiciding with chuuya.

Its a HUGE thing for him to digest that him suiciding would inevitably spell the doom for chuuya. this puts an unimaginable responsibility on him. And he avoids further discussion on this. Now we know dazai is the rambly type. Even in the most dire moments he goe son with his LOONG monologues so really he is the last person who’d avoid a conversation but he deliberately does it in these 2 instances because its hard for him to grasp these things. That he can go against his nature and do a conscientious thing by handing over one of the most grisly channels to chuuya (i dont think dazai’s nature is evil. Or even if it is, its a a social construct keeping in mind the war ravaged times or its mori’s construct because he does exploit dazai to the hilt. but dazai ofc thinks of himself as non-human, devious. perfectly devilish...etc.) And also the fact that someone as suicidal as him is actually responsible for the life of someone else is really too much to take in. a whole 10 seconds pause indicates just how much he was thrown off when mori opened his eyes to the reality of things: if he dies, chuuya inexorably dies as a consequence. also i dont think the “wow” here or the next bit :

is something jokey. if it was like haha double suicide with chuuya is the worst haha wanna do it w pretty lady kind of a deal. that pause would have been unnecessary. dazai’s immediate reaction would’ve been whining and shit. the use of “froze” too implies the gravity of the situation. so ofc what is “wow” is how much meaning his life has for someone else. and for some so much....better than him. and what is unacceptable is this sad, sad truth that his life (to which he ascribes no value) would be so inextricably linked with someone else’s and hold so much meaning to them. it is like when a suicidal person at the brink of suicide understanding his life is not his own. his life and death holds consequences for ppl surrounding him. so both of these are huge things to grasp and at both these times dazai is visibly shaken up so much so that he doesnt want to do his favorite thing- ramble in a condescending tone. smth he does in so many instances. this really is a testimony to the fact that things are changing in him. the redemption process has begun. he’s no longer the kind of maniac he was before he encountered chuuya. when zuko underwent his transition in atla he was so shaken up after one (1) right decision he had a fever. i think this is true for anyone who’s trying to change. change is after all a huge thing for everyone. ofc he’ll be unsettled. so anyways this is proof that he has indeed come a long way from being someone who revelled at the prospect of meaningless bloodshed.

now coming to the concept of love he assumes he’d get sick of love and die:

and that death is the singular goal worth chasing after because it makes you feel more alive/get a fuller picture of what living entails. but here he is erring by supposing love is something that’ll bore him/have no meaning. and it cant provide him that “something” he’s looking for. at this point he hasn’t loved so he doesnt know whether he’ll be sick of it or if it'll have no impact. And yet he’s morose and regretful. this is a kind of self-imposed constraint hes putting on himself. he cancels out the v idea of love because hes convinced it isnt worth it. he hasnt even been in love okay scratch being in love that sounds romantic and i really dont mean love in a romantic sense here...its just love. in general. any form is cool. anyway so dazai is not familiar with any kind of love. He is entirely alien to the concept. he doesnt even know what a friend/partner is so he doesnt know what love is. this is cleared out here when rimbaud confesses he did everything for paul and dazai is unconvinced:

chuuya ofc admonishes him and shuts him up for good, he says dazai has no right lookind down upon smth he doesnt understand. he doesnt understand friendship, love. or loyalty. or how important those feelings are at this point. now this situation is turned on its head in stormbringer. but before we go into that let’s look at the message rimbaud had for both of them. ik he specifically asks for chuuya to “live” but there’s purpose behind including both of them in the frame. it’s a message they should both take to heart. and at the end of it its implied both are changed after hearing it:

and in this message the first bit is for chuuya. what he says is basically memory doesn’t make u human... ”you are you” just a frame or not doesnt matter. and even if hes just a frame, he is still beautiful. beauty actually is a v important concept in literature starting right from Plato to Shakespeare. i’d not bring this here but because bsd is so deeply rooted in literature i feel like the reference to beauty, and later on to soul and even warmth and also the universal tone of this message carries some meaning. so the thing is both Plato and Shakespeare were endorsed the idea of love as a force awakened in the world by beauty which then leads the soul to perfection. so humans and by extension, all life are beautiful frames that can inspire love. this concept is also there in Romantic poetry like Keats and Wordsworth all of them talked about loving beauty in nature and how that can elevate the body mind and soul. so essentially in telling this to chuuya what ehe basically means is that chuuya just by being him, by being a beautiful framework can inspire love and warmth in others and thats a great purpose! how much chuuya understands of this purpose with his one (1) braincell and his low self esteem is questionable but he gets some sense of belonging. now this is a two way relationship so ofc dazai has to be factored in. he comes in the next part:

these are from 2 different translation so the disparity im sorry ;-; but anyway, this last part abt the world being a cold place. then paul. then “warmth” is a message to dazai who’s been introduced to us as cold-hearted and having like no bearings of a human being. this is the reason why its important for both o f them to be there. now going back to chuuya being a beautiful framework, the framework can be beautiful in so far as its beauty is appreciate by someone and inspires warmth and love in someone. this again is the whole beauty/beholder nature/the romantic concept that is there in shakespeare and in Romantic poetry where both are a part of a codependent relationship. so what rimbaud implies here is that dazai can have that kind of a relationship with another person (chuuya) just like rimbaud had with paul which makes him warm and the world doesnt feel cold anymore. rimbaud has no regrets about what he did because. so the idea is that dazai and chuuya can share the same dynamic. also after this, the narrative says that their hearts are now changed and wont return to what they were before....and even their souls are refined in a way. but in Fifteen we dont have a concrete proof of how this happened bc the novel ends at this point. Instead, Stormbringer shows exactly how deep the impact of those words is:

this is the third instance of dazai showing hesitation and once again this has to do with chuuya. the seed of the dynamic that rimbaud was talking about is already germinating in him. his reactions, his fidgeting, his hesitancy, in response to chuuya’s situation is such a big contrast to his cocksure self when he’s conversing with adam and verlaine. after this of course we have:

not only does he clearly express his concern but he gives chuuya 2 whole mins to make a decision and based on that he’s prepared to overturn the operation. the success rate of an alternative plan will ofc be lesser than the og one but that doesnt faze dazai. he’s ready to turn the tide for chuuya’s sake and if this is not development idk what is. just a year ago, he was someone to whom the concept of rimbaud going thru all that trouble for his friend was a lost concept. ironically enough, now he finds himself doing something that is along the same lines. he puts chuuya above his mission. to him, chuuya is more important than getting a satisfactory result. another bit that i wanna talk abt is that one controversial section where dazai says he’ll save chuuya, human or not, and then the justification is:

i think a lot of people got mad bc of this and honestly at first glance i was peeved too. as a chuuya stan some of the shit dazai has done so far did rub me the wrong way. i love skk obv but still those were moments that kind of left a bad taste in the mouth. i’ll discuss them later on bc stormbringer helps allay that feeling. coming back to the “i wanna see chuuya suffer” part firstly context is important. ofc someone like dazai cant be expected to be upfront about his feelings with ppl (or AI) he barely knows. so what be relays to adam, is only partly true and its actually a kind of a twist in concept. the things is, and this is smth dazai knows all too well is that ppl suffer simply on account of being human. human suffering is brought on because humans, by virtue of being humans, feel. so when he says he’s willing to acknowledge chuuya as human despite what N and Verlaine said he’s already admitting that chuuya suffers. so there is really nothing “new” to see for him. he knows chuuya suffers already and he does too because they’re both humans trying to make it thru their messed up lives. also chuuya “ceasing to be human” is a p huge concern for him bc he himself is like that. just like with the suicide thing, it bothers dazai when someone else shares his situation/his fate like as long as his life is his own, he has no problem ending it whenever but the situation is complicated when someone else’s life span is determined by that decision. and similarly, as long as he is “no longer human” its not that much of an issue because he’s like resigned to a doomed fate but someone like chuuya ceasing to be human or worse yet never getting to know if hes human or not are pressing matters. so anyways what he actually means here is that in saving chuuya, he saves someone who suffers just like he does and in their case, even the cause of suffering boils down to a shared psychological conflict: what essentially constitutes being human and if im human or not. now this sharing of pain and suffering is the foundation of forming a connection with someone, which makes life a little better. here again, what rimaud imparted to dazai and chuuya is driven home. also dazai’s key anxiety is not finding meaning/anything. this “anything” can be assumed to be something that justifies life. so all his anxiety and frustration stems from the fact that there really is no discernible meaning to be found in the mechanism of life. so it is an empty pursuit because it is true that nothing can explain why feelings of pain and suffering are exponentially heavier than feelings of happiness or why after getting to experience one (1) free day we’re back to square one where life is grueling. these are questions that really dont have an answer so every time dazai like gazes into the abyss and says he didnt find anything, he is not so much asking if he’ll ever find anything as swallowing the hard truth that there is nothing to be found, no singular entity exists that can magically justify everything. again drawing upon literature or philosophy more specifically, there’s a concept called Absurdism which says the only philosophical truth so to say is this that life is absurd and looking for meaning is futile. instead what we can do is accept that it is absurd and deal with it in the best way possible, by finding little sources and moments of happiness, and strewing them together so we feel somewhat content. even if it is just for a fleeting second. and this happiness/contentment amidst a wretched life (altho temporal) can be found in friendship, in sharing, and even in having fun with people you’re comfortable with! this is actually why dazai wants to save chuuya and now it may seem like im interpreting his words through the shipping lens but thats not so and it can be corroborated by looking into dazai’s words to odasaku. after chuuya, dazai’s next attempt at friendship was odasaku who he found “interesting”. now when odasaku sort of like threw hands and chose death over having to live a life without the orphans, dazai tried to stop him not by saying stuff like life is good. and things will def change for the better. but instead he admits that living is hard and the sense of void is ubiquitous and yet he doesnt want him to up and die because then he would be sad. because the little comfort that he got from odasaku and something he probably assumed odasaku also got from him would be gone. [how much odasaku considered dazai a source of comfort remains unclear. in fact the reason odasaku gave up and died was because he did not have this. this feeling of sharing in someone else’s suffering and seeking comfort in friends in the real world. instead he was too vested in his ideal world. his over reliance on an entirely idealistic concept is actually what pushed him over the edge. and this would have been the case for dazai too had he not encountered and sought comfort and companionship in chuuya and eventually in odasaku ] so this again goes on to show how rimbaud’s words changed dazai’s heart. and in a way dazai really has been doing this unconsciously form the v beginning like by teasing chuuya continually in Fifteen. you dont expect someone as cold as him to indulge in friendly bickering and taunting so often but he does. that there is significance and even happiness in that is something he learns over time, after rimbaud’s words to him. although these things seem futile on the surface they give a moment’s respite. so although chuuya spinning dazai on a rope in stormbringer might seem weird to everyone, they still serve a purpose:

what shirase puts forward is particularly relevant here because neither dazai nor chuuya is fully aware of the extent of their feelings (or even what those feelings are like they dont know what label to put. so typical oblivious lovers) for each other or what they stand to gain just by driving each other nuts but there is something intangible but satisfying to be felt. a kind of contentment that helps him continue. one day at a time. there is no one great “thing” that can make him like wake up one day feeling like he doesnt want to die ever again. but again like i said before, the key word for dazai is “extent” so, these little things to some extent contribute to a sense of fulfilment which helps him keep death at bay. thats why he’s bent on saving chuuya bc he knows they can share in their suffering and make life better for each other. its not like he wants chuuya to suffer. chuuya will suffer nonetheless like every other human. but in suffering together there is something to be found so he doesnt want him to cease being human.

this covers more or less the intertextuality between Stormbringer and Fifteen. i just wanna talk a bit more about a couple other moments in Stormbringer that i feel are p important because they put some things in the series in perspective and also made the dead apple moment 10x more emotional 🥺 one thing that really strikes me is the absolute fanon level of comfort that dazai and chuuya share in Strombringer. its like scenes form k-drama lol.

so yeah this stuff. compare this with dazai’s reaction @atsushi when he drops im not saying that its not just a joke and that what im saying should be the right way to look at this contrast. its not like that at all. but what this does is give an estimate to the readers just how close and comfortable dazai feels when its chuuya. and this plus everything i rambling on abt for so long also gives us an estimate about the sincerity of dazais feelings. now 2 things always bothered me : the fact that dazai actually left chuuya and the fact that after the fight against lovecraft he actualy deserted him (this again can ofc be construed as just a humorous bit but still it did leave a bad taste in my mouth) dazai leaving the mafia is ofc something he had to do to fulfil oda’s dying wish but it still dint sit right with me that he would abandon chuuya. just like oda levaing is harder on dazai, dazai leaving is harder on chuuya. its always harder on the one left behind. so anyway, these sorts of things sometimes made me doubt dazai’s feelings but now that stormbringer clears it all up i do think there is a larger motif at work here. when mori offers dazai to come back to the mafia in s2 we see him saying that it was mori who kicked him out and that he did so because he was afraid dazai would usurp his position. so he set it up in a way that dazai would be forced to leave but on his own accord. now more than usurpation i believe what mori really did fear is that dazai had no allegiance to the mafia (which is actually true) bc he doesnt have that sense of loyalty and that to him his friends were more important than swearing allegiance to mori. (which again is true). so by getting oda killed, the message that mori seemed to be giving out was if dazai didnt leave he would do it again. and if we consider ango’s betrayal which had already transpired at that point, the one mori would next target to sort of get at dazai would inevitably be chuuya. this is only conjecture but still, i do believe this might as well be true because then it would explain why dazai didnt carry chuuya back to the base after their fight [something he was v comfortable doing in Stormbringer. in fact in the first case he carries chuuya back to the billiards bar and not to the mafia’s base so he could hear albatross’ last words 🥺] its because mori needs to know unlike dazai, chuuya is absolutely loyal to him which regrettably he is. it kinda becomes imperative therefore on part of dazai to make it seem that way to mori. that they really are at each others throats and that dazai is insignificant to chuuya. and that the mafia comes before dazai. (which is not true bc we see chuuya protecting his friend [shirase] while also staying loyal to the mafia in Stormbringer)

mori also in his own way tries to provoke hostility b/w them like in Dead Dpple when he was all like yeah so dazai is the star and chuuya is merely bait. so it kinda makes sense if dazai left the mafia not only to like do good work but also to protect chuuya from mori. also the fact that chuuya did the same thing— left the Sheep and joined PM to protect Shirase from the mafia makes be believe that my speculation is plausible given all the parallels we find between dazai and chuuya.

and the last bit is about the brilliant Dead Apple scene and how much added context it gets in light of Stormbringer.

in this scene dazai first says: “you used Corruption believing in me?” and then the translation is “how beautiful” which is an okay translation but the exact thing dazai said was “nakasetekurerune” which literally is : youre gonna make me cry you know? now my knowledge of japanese is like duolingo level but i do know “nakasete” has to do with crying and “kureru” is used by the receiver to indicate he’s receiving a feeling/object from someone close. so basically chuuya trusting him is something so beautiful that it could almost move him to tears. now lets look at dazai’s intro in Stormbringer:

dazai, being dazai, ofc would be able to tell genuine trust from fealty out of fear so ofc the fact that chuuya has this kind of blind faith in him is overwhelming for him. also stormbringer really expands on the sight effects of Corruption in full detail. its so PAINFUL and to think that chuuya would jump into it right away for dazai’s sake.....no wonder he is so soft when deactivating him. and then he proceeds to flirt for a little bit with the Snow White and the kiss of life reference. but this flirting doesnt seem even a little out of place now. it doesn't feel like smth meaningless or smth that dazai is just saying as a joke. that there is absoluetly no subtext to making a statement like that. instead that kind of flirting feels like smth inspired from a deep, deep familiarity with someone who really shares his heart and soul. when he talks to chuuya abt the problem of not knowing whether he is human or not, it is a problem that is as central to him as it’s to chuuya. not feeling fully reconciled to a human identity is a problem thats fundamental to both of them. I don’t think familiarity gets any deeper than this where you share the exact same psychological problem. so its really wonderful how we can trace the skk development now: what starts out as a crush on part of dazai or not a crush exactly rather, a feeling of perplexed admiration because chuuya is breathtakingly beautiful inside out, eventually gain all these layers and develops into something meaningful where they have so much faith in each other and where they literally help each other live. knowing someone out there shares your exact issue so you’re really not alone in this is perhaps the greatest comfort in the world. also now its clear how both of them would have turned out had they not met each other and had they not taken in rimbaud’s advice. chuuya in his desire to learn about himself and frustration at not being able to do the same would have perhaps spiralled downward and ended up becoming like verlaine. he is his double here after all. and had dazai not seen chuuya up close being the wonderful person he is, he too would have probably ended up developing a god complex and becoming like fyodor. dazai is there to save chuuya literally from dying a monster and chuuya is there to remind him he too can try and mend his ways and embrace his human side. after all chuuya has so much trust him in! (despite him having questionable methods) for both of them, it starts out as an attempt to be more human, then establishing a fruitful partnership, and finally coming in terms with their feelings to some extent. for dazai, he’s comfortable enough to engage in occasional flirting at this point and for chuuya it’s playing along with dazai’s antics (well with the ones he get 💀 pretty boy has half a functional braincell) and openly showing his concern for him. so really by confirming their feelings what strombringer does is enhance the skk development in a way that Dead Apple doesnt seem like fan service anymore. the fact that dazai would casually flirt or be comfortable with chuuya landing on his crotch 💀 all that isnt as ridiculous as it first seemed because stormbringer lays the groundwork and anticipates all the intimate/flirty skk moments that have happened till now and ig will happen again soon.

#bsd #stormbringer #soukoku #dazai osamu #chuuya nakahara #bungou stray dogs #stormbringer spoilers #bsd meta #bsd analysis

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seeds-and-sins · 4 years

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The Other Side - Part One

Pairing: Jacob Seed x Reader, Eli Palmer x Reader

Rating: M (Language, Violence, Sexual Situations, Non-Consensual Interactions, Torture)

Description: You are the head of one of Eli's teams, and his sweetheart, then Jacob captures you.

- Part Two

- Part Three

- Final Part

War is never and will never be an easy road, especially when you are emotionally involved with the persons you fight beside. Brothers, sisters, friends, people you would do anything for, even die. That was the very case here, which made the decision of joining the Whitetail milita a double edged sword. On one end, you wanted to be near your friends so that you could protect them, but on the other end, being near them risked the possibility of failing them. You knew that failure, two tours in Iraq taught you about regret lived when someone you cared for died in the line of fire.

So, when Eli asked you to join his crew, you were hesitant at first. You knew about the fiasco that had been going on with the cult, you would be lying if you said you didn't have to fend off the cult members from time to time. You promised yourself you'd never give into to violence ever again, and you didn't. You willed yourself to stand free, away from those harmful thoughts and memories, away from alcohol and flashbacks. Eli's ask stood against everything you had worked towards, the progress you had made since returning from overseas about seven years back. He knew that, the both of you had surely talked about it across a campfire once before. You could see it in his eyes, the hint of guilt, the desperation of having you beside him. The two of you had been more than acquaintances, more than friends after his divorce, but less than partners. There was certainly always something lingering there. That was what made you say 'yes', that was what made you hurl yourself back into the pool of demons you had ridded yourself of. Him.

Three months in, after being a respective member of his main alpha team, you both made it official. This only seemed to make you more cautious about missions, about his safety, about the safety of the militia. It went both ways truly, but you never considered his feelings towards the matter as much as your own. This often led to arguments, loud shouting matches that never ended with a clear winner. The other militia members steered clear, sipped from their beer, conducted their surveillance ops, whatever kept them away from getting in between the two of you. One such argument took it to the next level, bordering damn near abusive at some point.

"I said, no! That's final!"

"Well, whatever you say I am still not going to listen to you! You aren't going out there!" In the past few weeks, Jacob had been getting more aggressive with his strategies, so much so, that it was starting to become too dangerous for Eli to leave the Den. Yet, for about a month Eli and you had developed a plan to cut off Jacob's weapons supplies. Such a convoy that took a path from John's region through the mountains and around to the Veteran's Center. It was a very complex, but heavily calculated plan, and you knew Eli was itching to be a part of it. Better you than him though.

"I'm in charge of this operation! Not you!"

"My point exactly, do you really think its a good idea to go out on a really important mission when Jacob wants your head on a silver platter?"

"The risks are the same now as they were then."

"Don't be ridiculous, Eli! You mean something to this cause!" You stepped around the map table and closed in on him, hands balled into fists, sweat on your brow.

"And you mean something to me." He muttered under his breath, those light brown pools not leaving your own, the tension in your shoulders dropped and you sighed. Almost instantly, the few standing members in the room began to clear out, even Tammy, who was Eli's strongest lieutenant left the room. You took a deep breath, stepped even closer to him, his head tilted down as he dropped his gaze.

"We knew what we were getting into when this started, El."

"If it was any other mission, I wouldn't mind, but this one is big." He finally raised his gaze, you grabbed his cheek and formed a sad smile on your lips, thumbs caressing gently at the scratchy skin above his beard.

"That's why I must go. I am the only one who knows this plan inside out and you are too valuable to lose."

"I hate it when you do this, (Y/N)."

"Do what?" He gripped your wrists with a sigh.

"Make it seem like I don't worry about losing you either." His eyes were like dark pools into another universe, and you wished for a moment that you could dive into them and be lost forever.

....

Thud!

The metal bowl hit the ground, slop spitting out from its edges and pulling its weight to sit on its side.

"There ya' go, sinner. Same as yesterday's." The peggie grunted, rot shining in his steely grin as he then trotted away from the cage, leaving you to your devices. You sighed, feeling the slop become more and more appetizing each day was starting to become a concern. No matter how hard you tried not to eat, there was no denying the hunger that consumed you. In comparison to those locked in the cages surrounding you, while they starved and screamed for your meals, the food was a luxury. Yet, you could not give Jacob the benefit of the doubt.

You eyed the tasteless grub, blotchy and red, with chunks of unknown substances stirred into its grime. It blended well with the dirt, that had turned soggy and muddy as the rain came and went. You prayed that that same rain would grace you, where it provided some shroud of comfort in this nothingless.

You committed to timing the guards on duty, understanding the cycles of prisoners as they underwent the seven days of hell that Jacob would put them through. You hadn't yet quite figured out how to get out of the cage itself, being so in the open, with an overall lack of materials, made the process difficult. It didn't help that as they days went by, one, two, three days so far, your thoughts had become more difficult to manage. Sleep was unattainable with the screams and the grime and the consistent playing of 'Only You' at the exact time every day.

Jacob would stop by at his conveinience, you hadn't been here long enough to see him make a habit of it. He would pass through while making critiques on the work his men had been doing. He'd stop and stare for a moment, meet your solid glare with his own and then continue on. It had become no question that he knew who you were and your significance. You hoped that Eli wouldn't break under the threats you were certain that Jacob had been pushing on him. Jacob had yet to conduct any torture on you. Upon first meeting him, it wasn't difficult to distinguish who he was among the fleet of peggie scum that stood around him.

The mission was obviously a failure, an ambush occurred, one of the Whitetails had been a traitor. You were so close to escaping before a peggie had managed to trail you down to the Henbane, knocking you unconscious. You were dragged into the prison-like walls of the veterans center, awakened by the shrill of terror echoing from the cages and the raw barks of crazed wolves. It was then that Jacob revealed himself to you. He said so little, but with his eyes you could see something stirring.

"Put her in one of the cages, I will deal with her later."

"Yes, sir." He never quite dealt with you though, although you wondered many times if he ever would. It didn't matter how. You would never speak a word to him, your love for Eli was too unconditional and strong and fierce. His authority resonated with you and you made note of it as one of Jacob's defining characteristics. He was like Eli's mirror, they would be friends if it was any other universe. For this, everytime that Jacob passed through, you conduct a thorough analysis. You would go back to Eli with all the information he would need. Not only on the compound, but on the enemy.

"Not hungry again I see?" You lifted your gaze from the bowl, so lost in your thoughts. You hadn't noticed that Jacob was coming around for his daily rounds. You hid your surprise at the fact that he was actually speaking to you today. "Is the food not to your liking?" His voice was so even, but strained, with his every breath, she could see his struggle. On the surface he was a strong man, inside he had his illnesses hidden. "I hope you don't mistake my kindness for weakness..." One of his men swiftly hurled the metal door open, grabbing the bowl and scooping its messy contents back in. "If you can't respect such kindness, then you don't deserve it." The peggie pulled away and returned the door to its locked and sturdy position. It was silent, but Jacob had remained posted at the bars of the cage, arms crossed, eyes focused. "I have decided what to do with you, wouldn't you like to know?" Those last few words were almost mocking you and taunting your existence. You could play games to, if that was what Jacob wanted from you for the time being.

"Kind of disappointed you didn't know to begin with..." You snorted and shook your head. "I thought you'd at least be somewhat prepared for this kind of situation."

"Oh, you aren't all that special. Maybe this cage has made you a bit cocky."

"Its not hard, especially when you're the person I have to look at all day." Jacob kept that composed expression, but you could tell the banter was getting to him. You felt you hadn't moved in days, but the effort to stand was well worth it. You grunted as you struggled to bring yourself to your feet, legs shaking slightly under you weight, and your head spun as you stepped forward. "Now, you might as well kill me, Seed. I am not saying a word." You inhaled sharply as you reached out for the bar not to far in front of Jacob, giving him your best smile.

"I already know everything I need to. The question is whether you are worth it or not." You smiled even further, feeling like you had won. For Eli. You knew Eli wouldn't dare risk the entirety of this militia and this operation and idea, for you. No matter how much love was worth, it wasn't worth hundreds of lives and the loss of freedom. The both of you had had this discussion before, however briefly and however painful it was to admit. The risks were a burden that hovered over the relationships, but the payoff always was worth the risks.

"I can promise you I am not. Eli knows the drill and I know my mission. I am better off dead than alive."

"Oh, you must be mistaken..." Your eyebrows furrowed and you couldn't help but swallow, your throat so dry that the sting lingered for a brief moment. Jacob's lips quirked up slightly and he stepped closer to the cage, as cool and as in authority as he was when you met him. Something was wrong. "Eli doesn't know I have you, and he never will." Your lips parted, the confusion deepened, further into your soul. "In fact, he thinks I've killed you already, isn't that somethin'?" You shook your head vigorously, not quite understanding-

"But then why am I here?! Why keep me alive?" You were the one that had become frantic, panicked, you lost your composure. Thoughts rustled through your head, all of which you couldn't control in this state, with this anxiety, and exhaustion, and hunger that coursed through you. Jacob shrugged, then so casually spun on his heel and started walking. "Wait! Stop!! I am talking to you!" You braced yourself against the bars, as tears streamed down you cheeks. Your greatest fear and you couldn't do anything about it. "Why?! Stop!" Jacob disappeared into a metal door of the veteran's center, its resounding slam emanated among the never ending chorus of screaming and crying from nearby cages.

You knew why: If Jacob couldn't get Eli to react with you alive, he would have to get Eli to react to you dead. And based on Jacob's smug glimmer, it was working.

Return to Prompts

#jacob seed #reader #farcry 5 #jacob seed x reader #eli x reader #white tail militia #eli palmer #the deputy #the seed family #joseph seed #john seed #faith seed #only you

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rons-hermiones · 3 years

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Come Find Me

by rons-hermiones

Summary: Unplanned, Hermione is forced to spend Christmas at the Burrow due to her grandmother falling very ill. After being ignored by Hermione for weeks, Ron is determined to show her how much she means to him. Just before he gets the chance to tell her, Bellatrix Lestrange shows up with other plans for Hermione. Can Ron get to her before it's too late? (Ron/Hermione Half-Blood Prince AU)

Rating: M for language & dark themes in later chapters.

Chapter Thirty Six

Hermione’s been doing it on and off since last night.

By the grace of all things mighty, Jamison and Ron’s parents allowed him to remain vigil by her bedside, watching over her.

He was able to convince them over some bullocks that he’d be able to detect if her mind was really at ease. Which wasn’t a complete lie, but the only thing on his mind was her. Seeing her. Never letting her out of his sight again.

And it sounds mad, but he knows somewhere deep within himself that her mind’s okay. She’s way too fucking brilliant and too strong to let the likes of those Death Eaters take away her greatest strength.

She has to be okay.

And when he isn’t spending his time worrying himself about her in here, he’s worried about what’s out there.

The Death Eaters could come back for her. Surely they would try. Bellatrix fucking Lestrange was infamous for holding grudges.

Not to mention, Hermione somehow is in possession of Narcissa Malfoy’s wand. A Malfoy’s wand! No doubt Draco and Lucius would be on a warpath about this, just furthering the issue.

Oh yeah, and with You-Know-Who in the bloody fray. Well, let’s just say Ron was beginning to understand the true feeling of constant vigilance that Mad-Eye’s always dragging on about.

But despite all these worries, despite being nothing but a seventeen year old wizard, he was determined to protect Hermione from this. To ensure nothing, nothing, will ever happen to her again. No matter what the cost.

And he doesn’t care what Harry, his Mum, his professors- anyone, have to say about it. There’s no argument.

He realizes now, a life without Hermione is empty, almost purposeless. Even without her presence, the very thought of this moment kept him going. Not birthdays, chocolate frogs, or quidditch. Just her.

His eyes rove over her face. And he doesn’t know why, but he suddenly has the incessant need to vocalize these thoughts to her. The same he’d been doing all night.

“I know if you can hear me you’re probably damn tired of hearing it, but you’re safe now darling. Just open those pretty eyes and come back to me, alright?”

He watches her chest rise and fall at its steady pace. He knows she’s in there somewhere, she’s just a little lost right now, but he would find her.

He’ll always find her.

“Come on love, I miss you. I can only take so much of reading this book to you.” He jokes lightly, lifting Hogwarts, A History from the bedside table.

He had the idea of reading it to her last night, thinking it might awaken something, even if it’s not, well- awakening Hermione herself.

He wonders if she ever got the copy he gave her for Christmas…

“There’s so much I need to tell you Mione, that I should’ve told you ever since, well, since first year, I reckon. Since that day when-“

“Have you slept?” A voice calls from behind, making him jump slightly. However, he recognizes it instantly and decides not to turn around.

He hasn’t.

He’s so tired he can’t even manage to be embarrassed about the fact someone else heard him having this one sided conversation.

“Of course you haven’t, neither have I.” Ginny whispered as she lurched closer, closing the door as she came.

“Cissy.” Hermione groans painfully before Ron can answer his little sister.

And just like that, Ginny springs to life, “Sissy?” she questioned, “What’s that about? Hermione didn’t have a sister did she?” She almost feels stupid asking.

“No.” He answers quickly, “No she didn’t.” He reconfirmed, eyeing her sleeping form.

“Odd.” Ginny said quietly as she leaned over to inspect Hermione closer, “Has she been doing it all night?”

“No.” Ron answered quietly.

And it was true. But all this down time sitting, worrying about her, he has noticed a lot. One thing is that whenever the door squeaks or closes Hermione groans that damn word. It’s like her brain has some sort of unconscious reaction to the sound of the door, no doubt some trigger from that place.

Merlin, if he didn’t get his hands on one of them soon, he would-

“Ron?” Ginny said, studying him worriedly.

He shook his head, forgetting his thoughts, “Only when the door sounds.” He told his sister.

“What?”

“She only does it when the door makes noise, I dunno, must be something from there, I guess…” Even vaguely hinting at what she may have endured makes his chest ache.

Ginny seems to be blocking him out, just staring blankly at Hermione’s battered form. He manages to peel his eyes away from the brunette long enough to direct his gaze to his sister.

She must feel him piercing a hole into her, because she says, “This is the first time I’ve seen her.” Ginny whispers throaitly.

He gulps.

“By the time things had settled a bit with the Healer and Mum and Dad, Harry came to say you fell asleep in there. Mum thought it best to let you both rest. We stayed in some stuffy Ministry Overnight Room Kingsley set up. This was the first time I’ve been in.” Somewhere along the way a tear slides down her cheeks. Followed by another. And another.

They’re silent. She’s not heaving. Her shoulders barely shake.

Ron knows now that her long ramble about not seeing Hermione was merely a ploy to fool herself into some sort of distraction.

He slowly places his hand on her shoulder, making Ginny jump a bit, but she soon relaxes, “I don’t think it gets easier.” That definitely wasn’t what he was supposed to say.

Ginny seemed to realize as much too, face turning to meet him with a scrunched brow.

“Sorry,” He says, pulling away to rub the base of his neck, “I just mean, the longer I stay in here the more angry and sad I get, you know?” He sighs, “I’m angry that this happened to her and I’m even more pissed off that even though she’s here, it feels like the universe is taunting me. She’s here now, but she’s still… not.”

Sensing her older brother's rare outpour of vulnerability, Ginny now takes it upon herself to comfort Ron, “She’ll come back to us, I know it.” Her green eyes move back to Hermione’s closed ones, “You have so much waiting for you, I hope you know that Hermione.”

And it’s true, she does. She has Ron, Harry, Neville, all the Weasley’s, The Order, and so much more.

But Ron couldn’t help but think, with her parents gone, would it be enough?

...

“Excuse me, can I please talk to you two?” Healer Jamison asked Molly and Arthur.

Quickly, the woman stood up, frantically nodding, “yes, yes of course.”

Arthur soon joined them as the caretaker ushered them into a quiet corner.

“Is everything okay?” Mr. Weasley asked anxiously.

Jamison appeared to be at a loss for words, opening and closing his mouth, just furthering the pair's nerves. “I’m aware the two of you aren’t Miss Granger’s parents. I’d recognize Weasley’s anywhere.” He settled for.

Molly and Arthur exchanged a quick look before the former spoke up, “no we aren’t Hermione’s parents, but hers-“ she stops abruptly, not knowing what to say, or if she even has the heart to say it.

“Hermione’s parents can’t be present at the moment.” Arthur finished, giving his wife a squeeze, “she’s of age though, but we are acting as her guardians. If there’s any issues you can contact Kingsley Shacklebolt through the-“

Jamison shook his head, “no, no that’s not the issue. It’s just, there’s no easy way to say this…” he fretted, rubbing at his brow.

After another moment passed of tense silence, Molly spoke again, “I don’t understand. I thought you said that Hermione was stable, that reassessments on magical healing would be made once she comes to. Please don’t tell us-“

“Nothing like that, Mrs. Weasley, as of now I have no concerns that Miss Granger will enter such a state that could be fatal.” He assured, though the ‘as of now’ brought them little comfort.

Bewilderment was still evident across the pair's faces. Jamison knew he couldn’t put it off any longer no matter how terrible what he had to say would be.

“Miss Granger sustained a multitude of injuries, broken bones, multiple contusions, deep gashes, internal bleeding. Those were all things we took care of, or did our best to, without magic, upon her arrival. However, once we got the bleeding to slow down, we did some more testing.”

“And what did you find?” Arthur whispered, sensing this man's dread.

“It was evident that Miss Granger underwent sexual trauma.” Jamison told them quietly.

At this, Molly moaned in pain as Arthur’s arm found its way around her.

“She-she isn’t- right?” Molly asked through tears.

Hurriedly, he shook his head, “no. There were no signs of…” he gulped, “pregnancy. Even if there was at one time Miss Granger’s body was in no state to support another life. She’s severely malnourished, weak, and wasn't being taken care of properly. It doesn’t seem her body is even in a fit state to menstruate at the moment, but we can only be sure when she tells us as much.”

Molly continued to shake a little with small cries that she was clearly doing her best to conceal. Arthur decided to take the initiative asking questions she’d be sure to have later.

“I’ve heard some stories you know, about organs, and hers are…” he asked hesitantly.

“Any damage done to her organs seems to be a direct effect of the cruciatus curse. There’s some bruising on her thighs and hips that were evident as well as some scratches we believe may have been a factor, but our scans only picked up on residual dark magic.”

“Okay.” Arthur nodded slowly, “okay.” He said again.

“It’s not so much about the physical effects I’m worried about, it’s the emotional toll something like this has. Especially on someone so young. She was looked at by another healer, a female, who specializes in these kinds of things. The damage indicated that Miss Granger’s virginity was taken against her own will.” He informed sadly.

Molly cried a bit harder. Jamison himself felt a little blurry eyed.

“Here, I’ll get you the information to reach out to Healer Evangeline. She can answer any questions you may have better than I can.” He said before writing something down on his pad and handing it to Arthur.

“Thank you.” He nodded to the healer before ushering Molly to a chair.

Once he sat her down she spoke, “I’m okay Arthur, I’m fine. It’s just, poor Hermione… she doesn’t-“ she stopped speaking and shook her head.

“I know Molly Wobbles.” He said, kissing her forehead.

“I’m gonna go to the loo and freshen up. I don’t want the children to ask questions. Hermione will tell the lot of them when she’s ready.” The older woman said standing.

“Okay dear, take your time.” He said, rubbing her shoulder “I better go see Ron.” Arthur said throaitly, still not having processed what he just heard, “he'll be wondering about Narcissa Malfoy’s wand.”

“Have you heard anything?” Molly asked through a sniffle.

Arthur shook his head, “not yet, but I’m sure that’s what he’ll want to know for now.” He offered her a small smile before they parted ways.

Mr. Weasley took the sickeningly familiar path to Hermione’s room, doing his best to shove aside the pit in his stomach.

Horrible isn’t even a word that does the situation justice. No words could measure up to how terrible and vile such an act was.

Arthur Weasley was a calm, level headed, caring man. But now, now there was hell to pay.

His anger momentarily subsided at the scene he was met by, his emotions being replaced by nothing but sadness, pity even.

Ron was hunched over, clinging onto Hermione’s delicate hand. Arthur swore he could vaguely hear his son whispering something to her as his fingers stroked her hair.

“I’m gonna make this up to you, darling. I swear I’ll try and make this better if it’s the last thing I do Mione. Okay love? So please just come on…”

From the sound of his voice Arthur would bet he’s been at this for a while. It makes his heart break even more.

“Son.” He says, doing his best to not let his voice quiver.

“Dad.” Ron breathes in relief as his glassy blue eyes find his fathers.

“How is she?” He asked quietly.

Ron shrugged as his eyes fell back on Hermione’s. Fingers moving on their own accord through her matted hair, “she says something whenever the door sounds. I try to talk to her, hope she won’t hear it. Other than that, nothing.” He informed regretfully

Arthur clapped Ron on the shoulder, “you seem to be doing a good job then, I didn’t hear anything from her when I came in.”

“Yeah, at least I can do something.” He said miserably.

His father opened his mouth to speak, but Ron didn’t want to hear someone else’s apology. “Anything about the wand?”

“It’s definitely Narcissa Malfoy’s, we-“

Hermione twitched a little violently, “C-Cissy.” She groaned.

“There it is.” Ron whispered sadly.

Arthur’s brow furrowed. Something about it felt vaguely familiar. Like it meant something…

“Do you know how she got it?” Ron asked next, seemingly wanting to avert his fathers pity.

He sighs, forgetting his prior thoughts, “I reckon that’s something Hermione will have to tell us son, I just don’t imagine it’s a pleasant story.” If she remembers, Arthur added, not wanting to break Ron’s heart anymore than it’s already been fractured.

Like he can hear his fathers thoughts, he speaks confidently, “she’ll remember. I know she will. She’s right here Dad.”

Arthur hangs his head sadly in both shame and sadness.

“If there’s anyone who can bring her back son, I know it’s you.”

...

Ron wasn’t sure what day it was. A weekend maybe? It was a bit shocking no one has pestered him into going back to Hogwarts for his classes yet and Harry, Neville, and Ginny are still around.

Well, at least he thinks.

He’s pretty sure his arse hasn’t left the horrid hospital chair in over forty eight hours, save for a trip to the tiny loo connected to the room.

It’s night again. He thinks tomorrow is Sunday. Or maybe it already is.

“Mione, I’m a little surprised you haven’t woken up yet and scolded me for missing Friday’s lessons.” He whispers to her still frame under the moonlight.

Ron can feel the water building up in the backs of his eyes. Merlin, what he wouldn’t give to just hear her nag him again.

“Do you think you can try that love? Please.” He practically begs. “I don’t know how much longer I have here until my parents-”

And it’s like something within her is triggered by his words. It’s almost a bit frightening how it happens, namely, why it’s happening now, he has been prattling off to her for days. But Ron pays no mind to that.

Her eyes are open and sparkling. Still the same brown they’ve always been. He doesn’t know why, but for some reason, he thought maybe they’d look different. Like he forgot.

Hermione starts to whimper and move slightly. If she wasn’t as weak she’d surely be thrashing about in the bed.

Tears coat his cheeks before he can realize it, “Hermione, I’m here love, you’re going to be alright.” Ron swears, gently wiping the droplets streaming her own face.

At first she flinches at the contact but soon melts into the touch.

“C-Cissy?” She cries out, her voice mangled and not at all sounding like her own.

Hermione’s mind is cloudy. All that resonates is pain.

She swears she hears Ron, but that wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened. When terrible nightmares don’t haunt her, whenever the exhaustion takes over it’s dreams of him calling out to her, Harry playing quidditch, of her parents…

Ron holds off asking about that, “No, it’s me darling. It’s Ron. You’re back Mione, it’s okay.”

But his touch, it feels so real, so soft. His hand feels exceptionally large and calloused against her cheek, not at all like Narcissa’s small smooth hand.

It can’t be real. There’s no way. My mind is playing tricks, but please, let me feel it a bit longer…

Her eyes fluttered shut and Ron’s worried he’s lost her again, “Please open your eyes love, it’s me. Let me show you please.” He croaks.

Hermione’s instincts are telling her to open her eyes, but another part of her is saying not to, or else this, this feeling, will be gone. But like always, her thirst for knowledge takes over, she needs to know what’s going on.

Oh my-

The blue of his eyes. The small scar under his left eye from a quidditch incident as a child. The smattering of copper freckles dotting his face. His hair, flaming and a little more shaggy than when she last saw him.

It can’t be real. There’s no way.

But he looks, feels, so real…

She can feel her chin quivering at its own accord. Next, his large fingers push through her hair, away from her eyes.

“Hey, sh, don’t do that. You’re gonna be alright.” He promises with a watery smile.

Then with a shaking hand she weakly presses it to his cheek. Ron revels in the sensation of her small hands on him and lightly holds it to him to stop the shaking.

“R-real?” She cries.

His eyes flutter open, searing into hers, “Real.”

And she believes him.

Maybe that makes her stupid and naive. Maybe it’ll make it hurt all the more for when she wakes up and realizes this was all just another dream. But something just feels different.

At his assurance, Hermione is more than ready to succumb to the sobs building up in relife, but she can’t. Not yet. Not until she knows.

Dream or not, she needs to convince herself that what Narcissa told her wasn’t real and Ron would never lie to her. And that word, that’s what woke something within her.

He can see her struggle, “What is it? What’s wrong Mione? Do you want me to get the healer? Or maybe my Mum-”

“P-p-p,” She stutters.

“That’s it love, you can do it.” Ron encouraged, squeezing the hand pressed to him.

“Pa-parents.” She barely manages.

“My parents?” He tries.

Hermione shakes her head best she can manage before opening her mouth to speak again.

“M-mine.” She whimpers.

He realizes she doesn’t want his Mum, she wants her hers. Her dad too.

Her parents.

Merlin her parents-

And the look in her eyes, the pain in her voice. Ron just knows she knows.

It makes him feel sick at the prospect that the death of the Granger’s was used as some taunt while she was in that place.

She can see his eyes drop and the tears glittering in them at her words.

Narcissa never lied to her, but god, she wishes she had…

And before she can realize it, control it really, Hermione screamed.

A terrible, painful thing. Something she wasn’t even sure she was capable of when she can barely manage a sentence.

Without a thought Ron carefully climbed into the small bed with her, mindful of her injuries. He then thought of the best way to embrace her without causing hurt. But, before he could get the chance, Hermione took the liberty.

The small brunette practically collapsed on his chest, placing her less aching hand to clutch as his shirt.

Quickly, Ron grabbed it and held it tightly, then used his other hand to stroke her hair gently.

Hermione wailed into him, body shaking at an alarming rate. And Ron didn’t know what to do but hold her, he couldn’t tell her it was okay, because it wasn’t.

“That’s it love, let it out.” He encouraged, though he was sure his words fell upon deaf ears.

Hermione was sobbing herself into exhaustion, just thinking over and over why?

At one point, without realizing it, she was muttering the word out loud best she could through her cries.

She’d rather be in the dungeon being dealt the cruciatus day after day then experience this kind of pain.

Hearing her whimpers and the strangled words, Ron couldn’t help but let tears slip himself, “oh darling.” He sighed sadly.

And that’s how it went for an hour, even more. It was almost astounding how she managed to go on that long in her condition. Ron considered calling Jamison for a calming drought, but he knew she needed to do this, that some ruddy potion wouldn’t make her wake up and suddenly feel good as new.

As minute eighty-four ticked on, Hermione just stopped. He looked down worriedly to see her asleep on his chest.

For a moment he panicked, until he felt her shaky breath near his neck. He sighed in relief and tightened his hold on her.

Part of Ron wanted to be happy to finally hold her this way, to have her here, and to know she’s completely safe in his arms.

But he couldn’t be.

Not like this.

It was never supposed to be like this…

#Ron Weasley #Ron and Hermione #ron x hermione #rons-hermiones come find me #Hermione Granger #romione fanfic #romione #hp fanfic #hp #sixth year

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itsclydebitches · 4 years

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Hello, lovely readers! Welcome back. Buckle up, this chapter — and its accompanying recap — is one of our longest so far.

To start, I am grappling with my surprise over the opening sentence of Chapter Seven:

“Scarlet was disappointed that there’d been no big celebration following reinitiation.”

I’m sorry, reinitiation is over? First, this goes against the expectations set up last chapter. Sun, Velvet, and Scarlet had a whole conversation about how this test looked exactly like normal initiation, so obviously there must be some key difference in order to both differentiate it from regular initiation, and ensure that students originally from Shade don’t have a major advantage. They seemed to expect a twist to this test so I expected a twist too. In fact, as a reader looking for entertainment, a twist was all but assured. Or so I thought. When nothing much happened during Velvet’s adventure — she just drops down the first hole she sees, immediately spots the relic, and dodges some grimm on her way out — I thought, “There must be a Part II coming up.” The airship isn’t taking them back to Shade, it’s taking them to the next sequence in the test. …Apparently not. It really is just like regular initiation.

Second, what about the rest of Team CFVY? What about Team SSSN? We don’t need to follow every character individually (that would indeed take a while), but at least do something similar to what we just got with Velvet and Sun undergoing the same challenge. If I remember correctly, the student body was divided into three or four groups, meaning that by default every member of our teams will be mixed up with someone else and, based on Velvet’s challenge, every airbus team is given the same task. So just show us two more adventures and you’re done. Given how short most chapters are (Chapter Eight is a mere six pages) and the fact that we’ve got twenty-one of them overall, that’s not much of a hardship. As it stands this is… weird. Why Velvet? Why, out of eight separate characters — two of which are team leaders and seemingly more of a main character than she is, as least two others who we know next to nothing about — does she get the extra time and attention? It’s like if RWBYJNR underwent a test but we only heard about Jaune and Blake’s experience, with Jaune dropped halfway through the chapter and everything else is told through Blake’s PoV. Like yeah, that’s technically fine, we can assume they all completed the same task, and Blake is great! But it’s still weird when you’ve got seven other characters to balance.

Not to mention missing out on everything else that I assumed we’d get answers to. Velvet obviously never found Yatsuhashi since we were never given a test section where they were together. How did Yatsuhashi deal with the panic he was struggling with when we left him? Did Fox have to rely on someone else to get him a relic since he couldn’t see them? What does Coco think about all this??

We might get flashbacks at some point, but right now we’re starting Chapter Seven having skipped all of this including, as Scarlet points out, the immediate emotional aftermath. I don’t really care about another Beacon Brigade meeting, I care about the shocking change that was thrown at our characters and changed the whole dynamic of this school… but apparently we’re moving on.

As said, Scarlet is sad there was no party because he, unlike everyone else, is pretty thrilled with the new teams. Yup, they actually changed. At least that’s an engaging development. Especially given how uh… volatile these teams are likely to be. Scarlet now fights with Coco who is no longer the team leader. Instead, it’s a girl named Reese who “didn’t strike [Scarlet] as a born leader. On the other hand, she wasn’t Sun, so she was definitely an upgrade.” Yeah, it becomes clear within a couple of paragraphs that Scarlet straight up hates Sun, rather than simply grappling with frustration over his recent behavior.

He’s likewise critical of the Beacon Brigade, mentally referring to them as a “pity party” which 1. Yikes, Scarlet, people died and 2. Why is he here? It seems like everyone whose perspective we’ve gotten so far — with the exception of Velvet — thinks these get-togethers are a waste of time, yet they continue to attend them. From a writing standpoint it’s easy to see why you’d want these characters there to prompt personal conflict, but I’m confused as to the in-world reasons for why so many of them are sitting through something they only have criticism for. Is it peer pressure? Loyalty to their friends? Lack of anything better to do? The disgust or indifference for this group is well established, though not what makes all these characters attend it anyway.

We’re at least told that Sun was “dragged” here by Velvet which… okay? Why? Last chapter Velvet didn’t particularly like Sun either, so I suppose she’s simply looking to improve him or something? Honestly, the Velvet we’ve given while seeing the world through her eyes and the Velvet of other chapters seem radically different from one another. By that I don’t mean that Velvet sees herself differently than she really is. An example of that would be Ruby thinking that she’s bad at making friends, when in reality she forms deep bonds incredibly quickly.

It’s a characteristic that has always existed, obvious to the viewer too, but Ruby simply doesn’t notice it due to her own self-confidence, self-esteem, etc. Velvet, meanwhile, is written as a different character altogether. The Velvet who exists across most of this book comes across as far quite kind and patient, whereas when we’re in her head Velvet is both internally and externally mean. Her attitude flips on and off like a switch. I know I said last time that Sun’s admiration at her avoiding the Ravagers might finally start changing her tune about him, and that could indeed be an explanation for why she brought him back to the Beacon Brigade, but that doesn’t explain the extreme change in how she holds a conversation with him. Remember that last chapter we had “tough love” Velvet who was insulting Sun almost every chance she got. This Velvet speaks calmly and patiently until Sun understands their reasoning behind forming this group… which yeah, is a good thing. I’m glad someone is offering to explain things to Sun instead of just assuming the worst of him, but we’re nevertheless left with very inconsistent characterization. How and why did this change come about? Will Velvet revert back to tough love? Who can say? Certainly not me.

At least Scarlet’s opinions are clear: “just when [he] was ready to get a little distance from [Sun]” he shows up again. He goes on to think about how he just wanted a fresh start which, okay. Fair. That’s partly the point of this whole exercise and but right now Scarlet is convinced that a fresh start isn’t possible “with Sun in charge.” So Sun as an individual seems to be the problem here, not Scarlet’s team as a whole. Which would likewise be fair if I had a better understanding of where such intense opinions were coming from. In this chapter we’re suddenly told that Sun running off isn’t a new occurrence:

“Well, you were always leaving us and going solo. We were never sure why,” Scarlet said. They might not be on the same team now, but his questions hadn’t gone away.

Sage still had questions, too. “Were we not good enough for you?” he asked.

Okay, that definitely sounds like a legitimate flaw that would alienate your team members from you... but when did this happen? Granted, the answer to this might (again) just be, “In After the Fall, Clyde” but we’re nearly a hundred pages into this book and this issue hasn’t come up before now—something that would be very easy to accomplish when each chapter is changing perspectives. Upon reflection, Sun is doing things semi-solo in a lot of the main series, but that never came across as anything other than an easy writing choice to me. Meaning, Sun originally existed as a faunus friend for Blake, someone outside of Team RWBY to get involved in the White Fang fight. Introducing him as a single character is easier, having him meet with Blake alone makes sense, etc. Not only is the concept of teams existing as a single unit that always does everything together ridiculous, but Neptune was clearly meant to exist as a representation of the rest of the team without having to write three distinct characters alongside Sun every time he comes on screen. Sun is solo on the docks. Sun is at the cafeteria with Neptune. Sun infiltrates the White Fang with Blake. Sun eavesdrops on Team RWBY with Neptune. In the main series I never got the sense that Sun was avoiding his team, only that he had a life outside of his team and that his team was otherwise represented through one guy instead of three. Three wouldn’t have worked for most of these scenes.

All of which isn’t to say that Sun didn’t avoid his team — I’m not claiming Scarlet is lying — only that I’m not convinced we’ve seen that flaw. Which is incredibly common in RWBY. Characters will make quite significant statements and the viewer/reader is left wondering when this thing happened, or why the contradictions we can easily see in the story aren’t acknowledged. If Sun, as leader, has a habit of ditching his friends, both leaving them to function as a team without him and acting as if he doesn’t like spending time with them… then yeah, that’s absolutely something that needs to be addressed. But where is that Sun? Why haven’t I seen that characterization? Every time they’re together his team avoids him (Scarlet being a perfect example). Even Sun baffled by the accusations.

How could he not know? Scarlet wondered.

I don’t know either! This certainly seems to be a misunderstanding, but oddly the one person who can shed some light on the miscommunication doesn’t speak. Sun looks to Neptune in his confusion which makes perfect sense because: Hey, best friend! The guy I do everything with and who functions as clear evidence that I’m not always going solo like Scarlet claims, can you explain what’s going on here? We might have gotten an exchange where Neptune points out that spending time with him doesn’t equal spending time with the whole team, Scarlet and Sage feel left out, and that’s absolutely a claim that would stand up within the canon… but Neptune says nothing. Sun is simply accused of being a horrible leader who doesn’t want anything to do with his team, despite there being very little basis for this in the text. All we’ve got is him leaving with Blake which, as I’ve explained, is something he does need to apologize for. But that’s the conflict we’ve seen, not this broad, wishy-washy claim that Sun is an all around bad person.

What it comes down to is that Scarlet’s disdain is apparently rooted in more than just a single action of Sun’s, it’s apparently a pattern of behavior that he takes issue with, but I haven’t seen him be a particularly bad leader/friend lately. Or, I should say, certainly no worse than everyone else around him, given that this entire group does what they want and insults one another on a regular basis. Sun isn’t an exception in that. Both the book and this conversation feels like an attack on Sun’s character, not the event we know he needs to redeem himself for. When Blake left, Team RWY didn’t speak ad nauseum about how horrible a person she is, not talented enough to fight with them, incapable of doing anything right… insults that are separate from the issue at hand. The mistakes we’ve seen Sun make aren’t aligning with the complaints other characters have about him, but nor is the story acknowledging that his friends might be biased or simply wrong. Basically, like Velvet’s character, it’s a confusing, inconsistent mess.

And if it feels like I’m repeating myself every chapter it’s because the book is repeating itself every chapter. How many times are we going to tell the reader who awful Sun is? We’re nearly a hundred pages in, folks.

I’ve been getting very ahead of myself though. Before we delve into Sun’s apology and the resulting confessions, let’s quickly lay out the new teams. Yatshuhashi and Neptune have ended up together, which explains a certain scene that I know is coming later. I figured that the entirety of CFVYSSSN was conducting their investigation together and some cross team duos came about. Turns out they’re actually part of a team now. It’s an interesting premise! Too bad I know it’s heading in the worst possible direction.

Also, everyone already has color names. That’s the true evidence for non-random assignments! The instructors would never come up with enough color related terms otherwise lol.

“Oh brilliant headmaster, why did you choose to put me on this team? Was it because I worked so well with this peer of mine? Or does my semblance compliment another’s?”

“No, kid. Your name just happens to start with an ‘F’ and we needed one to get an abridged version of ‘Forest.’”

“…ah. I see. One more thing, sir.”

“Yes?”

“I’d like to transfer to a less stupid institution.”

These conversations had to have happened.

Velvet has been paired with Octavia as well as another Beacon hating student named Nebula. No surprise there. Then, just to make sure we don’t go more than a few paragraphs without insulting Sun, we’re told that “poor Sage” is still “stuck with him.” Sage is now the team leader, another choice that Scarlet doesn’t understand. Indeed, he actually says that this is “proof of the utter randomness of the exercise.” I’m both inclined to agree (in the sense that, as said, managing all these team aspects intentionally is nearly impossible) and also point out that by all intents and purposes Jaune should have read as an idiotic choice too. “How can you say that, Clyde? Jaune showed astounding leadership during his own initiation!” No he didn’t. Jaune noticed that a scorpion’s tail was loose, yelled out a generic call to action, Pyrrha figured out what to do, and then he told Nora to finish it off. Jaune said they needed to help get across the gap and help them in the first place (no duh) but Nora is the one who figures out how. It’s really not much, especially compared to things like spending most of his initiation stuck in trees and having no idea how to wield his sword. If Jaune can be made leader Sage should absolutely be given the chance. Everyone should be given the chance compared to the guy who became team leader without knowing what a landing strategy was.

Scarlet concludes all this by saying that “Sun didn’t seem bothered in the slightest by not being the boss,” but remember, when a character is already inclined to think the worst of someone, their assumptions about their emotions aren’t necessarily accurate. We won’t know until/if we get back into Sun’s head whether he’s truly indifferent to these changes or not. Not that Scarlet needs any such confirmation. He decides that Sun “probably didn’t care who was in charge because he wasn’t going to listen, anyway.”

This is still so confusing to me. Did the rest of team SSSN tell Sun not to leave and he blew him off? Am I forgetting a time recently where he made his team do something they didn’t agree with? If not, where is this ‘Sun doesn’t listen to anyone’ criticism coming from? Even if we establish that it’s true — perhaps supported by the free spirit personality Sun wields, though that’s not the same thing as ignoring orders — why is he the only one getting heat for it? Coco doesn’t listen to anyone either. She’s out here metaphorically flipping Rumpole off to conduct an investigation that Sage and Scarlet didn’t seem to agree with, but Sun, trying to integrate everyone into Vacuan culture, is the one who abandons everyone to do what he wants?

But this is normal for RWBY. A flaw is a flaw until it’s applied to the character this story supports, then it becomes something to praise instead. In some respects, this is even more frustrating to experience in the novel because unlike in the webseries, there’s plenty of time here to explain a character’s opinions, show us their memories, lay out the nuance in these relationships, all the techniques that would help convince the reader of a difference in behavior when actions seem pretty identical at first glance… yet here we are, not utilizing that time or, when we are, providing inconsistent information. There have been precious few moments in this novel where I’ve felt like I have a firm handle on a protagonist: what their motivations are, what actions they’ve taken in response to that, how those actions have been received, and whether that reception is justified.

Honestly, the most consistent aspect of this novel is how closely it aligns with the webseires: both texts don’t make good internal sense and leave me scratching my head over what I’m supposed to take away from the story, let alone whether that takeaway makes sense based on what I’ve been shown.

But I promised you all Sun’s apology. Let’s just chuck out the whole thing:

“Here we go again with the Beacon Brigade stuff,” Sun muttered.

“Excuse me?” Velvet frowned. “I thought you came back here to apologize.”

Scarlet laughed. How could she even believe that? “Sun’s pretty bad at apologies.”

“I can apologize!” Sun’s tail swept back and forth.

“Go on, then.” Scarlet said, prompting him.

Sun put his hands into his pockets and looked down. “I’m sorry I said all those mean things and stormed out of here last time,” he said quickly.

“Thank you—” Velvet began.

Sun lifted his head. “But I was only trying to help you understand how elitist this group looks to everyone else.”

Scarlet rolled his eyes. He leaned back to watch the show.

I’m going to fall back on a list for this one.

1. As said in the past, I’m well aware that a story needn’t show us every scene but should rather provide information that allows us to extrapolate things based on the context and basic logic. e.g. “I haven’t read a scene yet where these characters brush their teeth, but I can assume it’s happening and we just don’t see it because that’s incidental to the plot and would (theoretically) be boring.” In fact, a story that provides too much information—be it in world building, characterization, every detail of the current event—will often have failed in one of its core intentions: entertainment. I get that. However, it feels like more often than not RWBY struggles to pinpoint which moments should be shown and which should be relegated off screen. I, for one, would have liked to see this conversation between Velvet and Sun. Not because a conversation inviting him to another Beacon Brigade meeting is inherently exciting, but because we’ve been given a context wherein such a conversation is significant for both of their developments. Velvet was incredibly critical of Sun last chapter. Now she’s “dragged him” back to this meeting. Is it because she’s changed her tune about him, or because she hopes to change him further? That’s important. Sun, last we saw, was digging his heels in regarding the meetings, the new teams, and the refugees’ overall approach to living at Shade. Now, Velvet tosses out that he “came back here to apologize.” What changed Sun’s mind and got him to admit he overstepped? Or is Velvet wrong in her assumption about what he intended to do? This story is character driven—we’ve gotten very little action thus far, none of which has been integrated into the emotional stakes—yet consistently the story fails to answer questions like, “What does this character want?” “What made them change their mind about this?” and “Do we trust their perspective and interpretation of events?” Like skipping out on everyone else’s reinitiation, it’s impossible to get invested in the “development” of characters when we’re always unclear about where they started, where they’re heading, and what in the world happened to enact any change we see between chapters.

2. Similarly, we’re told that “Sun’s pretty bad at apologies.” Did anyone else know this prior to Scarlet announcing it to the group (the reader)? Yes, Sun has yet to apologize for leaving with Blake, but that is, as I’ve stated above, one event that is not necessarily indicative of a behavioral trend. I’d much rather have known a Sun across the webseries and this book who consistently demonstrates an inability to admit when he’s wrong, not simply be told that by a character when it becomes relevant to the scene. Or, at the very least, allow our time with characters like Scarlet to provide that information in a more persuasive, fulfilling manner. Maybe he thinks about all the times Sun has let him down and then refused to acknowledge it. Maybe we get another flashback to a similar event that this is reminding Scarlet of. Maybe he and Sun actually talk and we get a sense of how this opinion formed. Something other than an announcement simply informing us of an impactful character flaw that we haven’t seen up until now.

3. Especially given that Sun does apologize and it’s not a bad apology either, it’s just that he’s chosen to apologize for the things he’s actually sorry for: saying mean stuff and storming out. It takes a lot to admit that two of his responses weren’t appropriate and there’s enough specificity and sincerity here that Velvet immediately accepts it with a “Thank you.” Where Sun arguably messes up is in continuing his apology with a “But…” yet here I’d like to reiterate that the simplistic advice we find on tumblr isn’t applicable to every situation. Meaning, I’ve seen a lot of posts lately about apologies, reminding people that it should be about acknowledging how you hurt someone regardless of your intentions, not using your intentions as an excuse for your actions. I agree with that. I likewise think Sun did this. He admits that he hurt people despite not meaning to and he owns up to that, even if he does so in a quickly, clearly uncomfortable manner. Acknowledging that you hurt someone despite your intentions doesn’t mean that your intentions can never be brought up again. If I accidentally insult someone in the act of confronting them about, say, destructive behavior, I should indeed apologize for that… but that doesn’t mean the issue itself—the destructive behavior—is forever off the table. It’s an important topic and Sun likewise has an important topic he’s trying to broach again, this time in a more respectful manner. Sun is sorry for the cruel things he said, he’s sorry for storming out, he’s sorry for how he responded to things… but he’s not sorry for his opinion about the situation itself, and that’s fair. Apologizing for your behavior does not require that you suddenly agree with the person you’ve hurt. Indeed, it’s only Sun challenging the group again—this time in a non-insulting, non-storming out manner—that the group itself realizes that they haven’t been clear about their own intentions. The issue was never whether the group is a good thing or a bad thing, but rather that the group didn’t bother to explain to Sun why they were doing this in the first place, leaving him to come to his own conclusions—and then getting upset when those conclusions turned out to be inaccurate. Up until this moment, no one in this room is inclined to spend time with Sun, let alone ensure that he has an accurate view of what this group means, so is it any surprise that he took things at face value? The group who named themselves after Beacon doesn’t want to be a part of Shade. That’s what it looks like on the surface and thus, that’s what he assumed.

4. Despite the complexity of this situation—by far the best Myers has managed thus far in this novel—Scarlet doesn’t acknowledge any of it. Not the group’s behavior towards Sun that resulted in a lack of understanding, not Sun’s understandable assumptions, not his inappropriate response to them, nor his apology. Scarlet said Sun was bad at apologies and Sun just proved him wrong… but acknowledging that requires likewise acknowledging everything in the above paragraph. Scarlet doesn’t want to think about what Sun is apologizing for vs. concerns he still has, he just hears a “But” and “rolled his eyes" to “watch the show.” What’s perhaps the most strange about all this — and the easiest to pinpoint as a potential problem — is that Scarlet agrees with Sun. He thinks the Beacon Brigade is a waste of time too! In another story I would expect to either a) have Scarlet grudgingly admit that Sun had a point, helping to lead him to some realizations about his bias, or b) have the story itself acknowledge that Scarlet is interested only in criticizing Sun no matter what he might actually say or do. If we boil the conversation down we’ve got:

[Scarlet is critical of the Beacon Brigade]

[Sun is critical of the Beacon Brigade]

[Scarlet ignores that tie between them]

and

[Scarlet thinks that Sun isn’t capable of apologizing]

[Sun apologizes]

[Scarlet ignores this]

This trend is likewise seen at the start of the meeting when Scarlet goes, “The gall of it. It was so obvious what Sun was doing—he was practically gleeful to be rid of his teammates” in response to Sun not seeming devastated by the changes. It’s the same situation we got last chapter with Velvet, wherein one character’s interpretation of a situation — Sun doesn’t look sad enough to my liking — doesn’t necessarily match up with reality. Indeed, when Scarlet throws out another accusation we’re shown precisely how inaccurate his perspective is:

“I guess it’s not hard to move on when you’re always moving, huh?” He sat up straight and looked at Sun. “Just how ecstatic are you to be moving on from us? Be honest. While we’re at it, maybe you can explain why.”

Sun was taken aback. “What?”

Sun is shocked by the idea that he’s “ecstatic” over these changes because he’s clearly not. There’s so much miscommunication among these characters and, thus far, incredibly little done to resolve it. This conversation explaining the Beacon Brigade to Sun is the major exception and, as a result, is one of the only worthwhile scenes. I feel like our characters have finally changed in some way. Yet to continually balance out any enjoyable bits, Scarlet’s bias stands in contrast to this improvement we see with Sun. It’s even more obvious when we factor in Scarlet’s revelation about Nolan in the same conversation. Despite witnessing nothing nearly as concrete as an apology when he said apologies weren’t something Sun was good at, Scarlet comes to the conclusion that he had been “underestimating Nolan all this time” and seems, from a single comment, to form a much higher opinion of him. The kicker is that not only does this moment not jumpstart a similar revelation regarding Sun, but is rather used as another segue into criticism of him: “Just like Sun had been underestimating the rest of them. But would Sun ever see that?”

Sun is indeed blind to some things, but so is Scarlet. Arguably more-so. At least here we see Sun listening to the others and flat out admitting that he was wrong. The confusing nature of Scarlet’s anger — is he upset about the Blake incident or something that seems to exist ‘off screen’? — coupled with his inability to acknowledge the improvements Sun is striving to make when they’re literally happening right in front of him, makes for a frustrating read. So as always: Yay flawed characters? It’s just too bad that this cast seems to be made up primarily of flaws and are doing incredibly little to improve themselves. Unless you factor in things like Velvet’s randomly changing personality.

As said though, I think the group does a good job explaining their perspective to Sun, largely because they bother to take a moment to connect with him, see how and why he came to these conclusions, and respectfully lay out their own perspective. Velvet explains that names are important, a part of your identity, and thus when they came to Vacuo they wanted a new name to reflect their new life. “Beacon was the obvious choice.” By the end of the scene Sun freely admits his mistake — “Maybe I was wrong,” Sun said — but still maintains that his misunderstanding stemmed from something. All of these (somewhat convoluted) explanations involving names, identity, belonging, moving on, but keeping their past is in no way obvious when you just hear the name Beacon Brigade. “‘Well, you’ve been sending a mixed message with this group, at least to Vacuans,’ Sun said stubbornly” except that “stubbornly” is uncharitable because he’s right. Not about the Beacon Brigade being a useless waste of time like we saw a few chapters back, but about the name and meeting sending the wrong message without that complicated context attached. The name alone has no connection to Vacuo. The name sounds like they’re refusing to move on. The name is also weirdly about being an army despite this being a therapy group, but we’ve already mentioned that. The statements “Your reasons for having this group and naming it this are valid,” “It’s not your fault that the Vacuans are refusing to accept you,” and “On the surface that name and these meetings send an unintended bad message that doesn’t help your already iffy social status” can and all do exist simultaneously.

The fact that Sun is using this opportunity to understand where the Beacon Brigade is coming from, but the Beacon Brigade is continually insisting that his perspective has no merit, just reinforces that the only one undergoing any growth here is Sun. Which, coming into this novel, I would have said is justified. He abandoned his team! He followed Blake! He listened in on her private conversations! He hasn’t even apologized to his team yet! Sun obviously has things to work on. But the expectation of him being the most in need of improvement rests on those around him being more level-headed, empathetic, talented people than he is… and they’re not. In this novel, the people Sun has hurt can be just as stubborn and cruel, making just as many iffy decisions. So when we’ve got a whole school of incredibly flawed teens, with one individual clearly striving to do better while the others endlessly pile on him… uh, I’m in that guy’s corner. At least I understand how Sun’s development is coming about, unlike Velvet. At least Sun admits when he’s made mistakes, unlike Coco and Scarlet. At least Sun hasn’t done anything close to the horror that I know is coming with Fox and Yatsuhashi…

So yes, to say that this scene and its resulting implications is complicated is an understatement. For the love of God, let’s move on.

We get another flashback, this time to Team SSSN arriving in Vacuo to meet with Headmaster Theodore and Rumpole. Recall that we were shown the exact same situation with Team CFVY… but wow is Theodore different here. Previously, I praised his compassion and ability to inspire new students because in that scene it was clear he was thrilled to have Team CFVY joining his school. Theodore is not thrilled to accept Team SSSN and I’m honestly unclear as to why. Both did well in the Vytal Tournament, which is something Rumpole apparently looked over when evaluating the students. Both participated in — and survived — the Battle of Beacon. Both are here now, hoping for a new place to call home, yet the reception SSSN receives is distinctly frosty.

Granted, this is at least partly because we’re still seeing things through Scarlet’s perspective, but that doesn’t cover everything. Theodore starts the flashback by reminding them that he believes “Actions speak louder than words,” to which Sun wholeheartedly agrees. Rather than acknowledging that they have similar outlooks, Rumpole tells him to be quiet — “[she] put a finger over her lips” — and when Sun doesn’t seem to notice the gesture Scarlet interprets this as him being “cocky.” That… doesn’t really line up. Regardless, Theodore is interested to know why Sun didn’t attend Vacuo if he grew up here, seeming to read that choice as some sort of insult towards him and his school: “He exchanged a look with Professor Rumpole. Then he looked sternly at Scarlet, Sage, and Nexpeptune.” When Sun explains that he wanted to see more of the world before settling down, Theodore and Rumpole jump on the word choice.

Sage snickered. Rumpole’s eyes flashed gold.

“So you think of Vacuo as ‘settling’?” Theodore asked.

Wait.

Excuse me, educator, but the phrase “settling down” is not comparable to “settling.” The former means to live a quieter, stable life usually after, yes, traveling the world for a time. It has few (if any) negative connotations. In fact, it’s quite positive. The implication is that you’ve been to many places, seen a great deal, experienced much of what life has to offer you, and now you’re choosing this place as your home. It’s also framed after a sought-after end goal. The weary hero longs to settle down but is unable to due to their quest. Settling down with friends and family is the prize given at the end of a story. It’s good. In contrast, “settling” for something does have a number of negative implications attached to it. It suggests that it’s not what you want, but you’re willing to put up with it at the end of the day given that you have no other choice. It’s second or third best, at most, but you’ll tolerate it. The concept of settling for something is insulting because it says that given different circumstances, you never would have chosen it.

Sun says he’s “settling down” in Vacuo; this is the home he’s choosing. Theodore and Rumpole both interpret this as “settling;” he’s choosing them only because he has to. But why? Where did this interpretation come from? Schools were a mix of people from different kingdoms long before Salem shook things up, so why is Sun getting heat for going to Mistral? Especially with the rather persuasive justification of, ‘I’d like to see more than just my backyard, thanks’? Are Vacuans so xenophobic that the mere act of one of their own leaving for a short time makes them an outsider? Why is this never explained then? Why doesn’t Sun, the Vacuan, understand this and seek to defend himself?

I’m still so confused, folks!

Things just go downhill from there. Sun asks if he can call Theodore “Theo,” which doesn’t go over well.

“No!” barked Theodore and Rumpole at the same time.

“Right. Sorry. Professor—”

“Headmaster.”

This is unnecessarily strict. As someone who has known a number of “You must refer to me as ‘Doctor’” people, I have never heard a single one “bark” out a negative in response to asking about using a different address. They respectfully correct a student because instructors — and people in general — should strive to be respectful. Then Theodore nitpicks about “Professor” vs. “Headmaster.” A look back at what I read does show a consistency of students addressing him as “Headmaster,” but if that’s a preference why not just say that? As it is, the curt correction feels like he’s trying to limit Sun’s options, especially when we’ve heard others like Ozpin be referred to as “Professor.” It’s not exactly a weird mistake.

Then Theodore goes,

“And which of you is the leader again? I know it’s not Neptune, but you can tell that just by looking at him.” Neptune’s jaw dropped.

What is wrong? With this cast?? Theodore was a splendid Headmaster whom I loved a few chapters back, now suddenly — as soon as he’s talking to Team SSSN — he’s become downright mean. What the absolute hell was that comment? “You can tell that just by looking at him”? That’s so insulting! He’s another Velvet, turning basic compassion on and off depending on who he’s speaking to, yet I still remain in the dark as to why everyone in this novel hates Sun, to the point where even his teammates bear the brunt of that negativity. Because, you know, when Sun says he’s the leader,

Rumpole was momentarily speechless.

Hold on. Let’s take a hot second to summarize what Sun has done in this conversation thus far, AKA everything that exists to form such a horrible opinion of him that Rumpole would be “speechless” at the thought of him leading. Sun has:

Agreed with Headmaster Theodore regarding a life philosophy.

Says he grew up in Vacuo.

Admits that he wants to settle down here, making Shade his permanent home.

Asked to address the Headmaster as “Theo.”

Apologies for his presumptiveness.

Correctly changes his address to “Headmaster Theodore.”

Explains that he was on a “special assignment” last semester and that’s why he wasn’t at Haven. Scarlet mutters that the assignment was given “by himself.”

So Sun is a native who’s heart has “grown fonder” for his kingdom and who agrees with Theodore’s outlook. He is willing to apologize and change his behavior as instructed. The only marks against him so far are 1. Being overly friendly with an authority figure and 2. The implication that he simply ran off without justification, though thus far it’s Sun’s word against Scarlet’s. That should hardly count until the accusation is proven one way or the other.

So Sun is implied to be an unfit leader because he was friendly? That outweighs positives like being from Vacuo and taking direction?

Everyone is really just out to paint Sun as The Worst Person Ever, huh? Here’s your trophy, bud.

After this stunning display ranging from indifference to what appears to be outright disgust, Theodore says that they can stay on through what’s essentially a trial period. “Until you wash out, or he changes his mind,” Rumpole explained. “Frankly, that happens a lot.” Again, Team CFVY didn’t receive such a threat. Theodore concludes the meeting by requiring a written account of the White Fang attack, something Sun is nervous about. “You do know how to write?” Theodore asks, just casually tossing in a final insult. Scarlet reassures him that they’ll help Sun with the “big words.”

Wow. The farther I get into this story the less surprised I am that the fandom has been hissing at it like an angry pack of cats. Or at least, a solid chunk of the fandom here on tumblr. I can’t recall if I mentioned this in an earlier Chapter, but at the start of this project I popped onto Goodreads and was somewhat shocked at Before the Dawn’s 4.16 rating, accompanied by numerous glowing reviews. Were we given different copies of the book? Then again, I often feel as if I’m watching a different show than the fandom talks up. I too would love to be watching a gripping, emotionally compelling, complex RWBY story of the sort that I’ve heard about. Ah well.

Back to the text at hand.

It’s the next day and everyone is attending Professor Rowena Sunnybrook’s Weapons Training Class. I briefly grapple with the image of Rowena Ravenclaw at Sunnybrook Farm. Then I consider how close “Rowena” is to “Rebecca.” Then I remember that in the stories Rebecca’s middle name was Rowena. Then I move on with my life.

(How badly am I dating myself if I bring up Shirley Temple?)

There’s a sandpit set up in the middle of that classroom which “had always seemed odd to Scarlet. If you wanted to fight in sand, why not just go outside? There was plenty of sand in this place.” Honest answer: ease of access and control over your environment. It’s the same reason why you’d take students to an indoor track rather than just telling them to run anywhere there’s space outside. There may be qualities to the sand that make it a better practice tool — less coarse, no rocks hidden underneath — and it’s presented in an accessible, otherwise safe classroom. No one is wasting time finding a spot outside. No sand storms will suddenly interrupt an exercise. Rowena and the students alike aren’t fighting against the wind, or the sun, the grimm, or anything else they might have to pay attention to. Given the tech of this world, there may even be cameras in the classroom that allows instructors to record and revisit their students’ practice. Unless you’re looking to prepare them for the unpredictability of the real world in a given lesson, this is just an all around easier choice. A pain to set up, perhaps, but easier once the pit is in place.

So Scarlet is, per the trend, in somewhat of a bad mood. He says he’s excited to see what class is like with his new teammates, but he doesn’t understand why you’d have a sand pit inside (in a world where competitions like the Vytal Festival exist…) and he likewise doesn’t get why anyone would fight on sand if they didn’t have to. But… you do have to? Scarlet just got done reminding everyone that they live in a desert now. He doesn’t get much of a say in whether he’s fighting on sand or not, so he’d better learn how to do it. I don’t think the grimm and occasional baddie is going to let Scarlet choose the setting before a fight begins.

Scarlet is also exhausted, which I can definitely understand. I’m tired just reading about the week they’ve been through. We get a tiny glimpse into the Chapter That Never Was where he thinks that “Spending hours in an underground Dust mine fighting a herd of Jackalopes wasn’t exactly a fun time.” Too bad we didn’t get to read about it. Though I do quite like the tiny insight into Scarlet we get here. He’s extra tired because he was “staying up so late to clean his clothes and shine his shoes.” Yeah, I could say something about implied-to-be gay guys and their obsession with clothes, though considering that Scarlet’s sexuality is nonexistent in this text or the main series, it feels disingenuous to make any claims about stereotyping. Besides, that may be a reach even if he was confirmed as queer. Rather, I like the line because it can be read in different ways, one of which is further confirmation that Scarlet seems to be a straight-laced, eager to please authority sort of guy. He doesn’t like having a spontaneous team leader. He hopes that Theodore will see his worth over Sun’s. Scarlet already comes across as the sort of student who would put additional time into shining his shoes while everyone else gets some much needed sleep. Appearances matter to him.

This entire time Sunnybrook has been lecturing, though seemingly not about anything important. Scarlet is surprised that they haven’t started an activity yet. The stalling is explained when Rumpole shows up, stomping into the classroom and grousing that Sunnybrook started without her. She rightfully points out, “You’re late, and this is my class.”

Ooh, Scarlet thought. Sunnybrook just went from chatty to catty.

…No? Beyond my ardent love of writers insisting that women are “catty” whenever they show an ounce of assertiveness or self-respect (/s), how is Sunnybrook being “catty” when she’s literally just stating two facts? Rumpole is late. This is her class. Both those things are true. There is an implied criticism there, but it’s hardly undeserved. If anyone is close to being “catty” right now it’s Rumpole, arriving late without an apology and criticizing Sunnybrook for doing her job in Rumpole’s absence.

Which begins the very strange read of watching Rumpole give an excellent lesson while the story characterizes her as the bad guy (we’ve been down this road before...).

Outside of that rude entrance, I don’t think Rumpole does much wrong here, but it becomes clear by the end of the chapter that she’s someone we’re meant to dislike.

She begins her lesson by pointing out that “Before you got here, some of you were trained to rely on your teams. But what do you do when your team is gone and you’re on your own?” Yes! Excellent point! Just like Scarlet needs to know how to fight on sand while living in a desert, every huntsmen needs to know how to defend themselves solo in case they’re separated from their team, their team is knocked out, or they’re killed. Wasn’t Sun alone at the start of this novel? Didn’t Ruby fall through the floor into a White Fang hideout by herself? Wasn’t Blake out in the woods alone when she encountered Adam? In each case they either sought out additional help or help thankfully arrived in time — you should strive to have backup — but in the case that there’s none to be found, how well can you defend yourself? It honestly shocks me that these talented, experienced fighters so often reject learning something that’s so obviously useful, whether we’re talking about Ruby telling Ozpin they already know how to fight, or Scarlet scoffing at fighting on sand in Vacuo.

Rumpole also says that they need to learn how to fight without their weapons.

“The room filled with whispers. Fight without weapons? In Weapons Training? Is she kidding?”

See, this is the kind of nonsense I’m talking about. Are you telling me that none of these fighters have ever lost their weapon in battle? It’s never broken (Blake)? That they can’t reach the basic conclusion of their fists being a weapon too? Too often RWBY introduces entirely unnecessary reactions that don’t fit with the characters’ intelligence, experience, and overall world view. They say and do ridiculous things in the context of their fictional lives. I could bring up a Volume 8 “Divide” example, but I’m trying to keep these recaps spoiler free. For those of you who have seen the premiere though, you likely know what Ruby moment I’m talking about.

So the whole class is upset for an incredibly stupid reason. Scarlet has gone from his usual grumpy to downright pissed. Things only go from bad to worse when Rumpole chooses Velvet to fight Nebula.

“Oh, come on!” Coco said, intervening for her former teammate.

What exactly is the problem here? According to Scarlet it’s that they’re on the same team. “This is so not cool,” he whispers to Coco. He believes they “shouldn’t be forced to fight each other,” but why? He admits freely that they’ve all fought against peers before. What do they think this is? It’s just another sparing session. Apparently the distinction is “with the intent of beating them, especially in front of an audience.” So when sparing you normally don’t intend to win? Or if you spar no one can be there to see you do it? Both of those defeat the purpose of sparing in the first place: to improve, partly by receiving feedback.

Arslan provides a bit of clarification with “They should not fight each other. We’re teammates, and we have to learn to work together. This just undermines that goal” but that is a staggeringly narrow view of what it means to “work together.” Frankly, a worrisome one too. Are team relationships truly so fragile that they can’t handle a little competition? You wouldn’t think so given the continuing message of teams as friends, family, and coworkers — those relationships are rock solid — yet Arslan seems to believe that a single exercise would undermine all that. There might have been some justification if she’d specifically brought up the problem of fighting new team members, prior to forming those bonds, with the added difficulty of working with people who might not think much of you yet… but she doesn’t. No one here seems to think that teammates should fight, period.

So then what do we make of Ruby vs. Oscar in Volume 5? That’s almost the exact same setup, with two teammates fighting one another, one of whom is new and hasn’t formed a solid bond, in front of an audience, with an instructor — Ozpin — evaluating their performance. Do we honestly believe that because Ruby got frustrated for a hot second that any care she had towards Oscar evaporated?

Is Team CRDL incapable of fighting beside Pyrrha in the Battle of Beacon because she absolutely kicked their ass in class? Does Weiss grow to hate Winter because she beat her during training? Of course not. There is something to be said for an institution that constantly pits teammates against each other in a manner that interferes with the ability to form those bonds… but this isn’t it. This is a single exercise for students who are currently shocked that they’d ever need to fight solo/without a weapon, so they clearly need the lesson, yet their reactions are extreme. Coco yelling, Scarlet muttering about how bad this is, both of them praising Arslan like she stood up against an actual attack on Velvet — “Good for you, Arslan,” Coco whispered. Now there’s a leader for you, Scarlet thought. — and Yatsuhashi is going so far as to stand in front of Velvet to protect her. They’re all acting like Rumpole told them to engage in a death match, not do the exact thing they’ve come to this school for: learn how to fight.

So yeah, that all is exceptionally weird imo and feeds into the general sense that Rumpole is the supposed to be the bad guy here, but it’s not done persuasively. She’s oh so evilly making them fight one another, evilly smiling about it, evilly telling Coco that that’s enough… though none of this is actually, you know, evil. The closest we get is a moment when Rumpole “haughtily” says that “In the heat of battle, a weak teammate can be worse than the most powerful enemy,” which frankly comes out of nowhere given that she’s responding to Arslan’s criticism of the test as the whole. If you say, ‘We shouldn’t fight other because we need to learn to work together’ and your teacher responds with ‘Weak teammates are more dangerous than your enemy,’ that’s very nearly a non sequitur. Yeah, the general subjects of teammates and fighting are the same, but otherwise these points seem to belong to different conversations. What Rumpole says in the context she says it is nearly nonsensical and serves only to make her look cruel. She tosses out a startling truth unprompted, leaving the reader going, “Wow! Rumpole is awful!” unless they’re inclined to consider whether any of that makes sense.

That moment with Coco did catch my attention though, simply because we’re told that Rumpole’s eyes flashed and then Coco gasped, cluing Scarlet into the fact that she’s not as “unshakable as she usually let on.” That’s another extreme reaction to a tame event, as well as the second time this chapter that we’ve heard about Rumpole’s flashing eyes, the first occurring in the flashback when she was displeased with Sun. So perhaps it’s something involving her Semblance? I’d look it up, but I kind of what to be surprised in the next 173 pages. Got to find things to look forward to in all this lol.

One the group realizes that they do actually have to fight one another (the horror) Velvet and Nebula give up their weapons. As expected, Nebula jokes about how she hasn’t lost anything, “What good’s a camera in a fight, anyway?” which produces applause from other Shade students. Right, because Velvet got into a top academy and survived the Fall of Beacon without a weapon. I’m not sure if this is just bullying for the sake of bullying, outside the bounds of logic, or if these students, living in their magic-infused, crazy tech world, legitimately can’t reach the conclusion that Velvet uses photos as a weapon, even if they can’t figure out how. Either way, it’s not endearing, but at least this time my reaction aligns with what the text is aiming for. Rumpole tells them to “Save it for the arena” with “a hard edge in her voice,” but of course no one comments on when she sticks up for Velvet. Asking her to complete a simple exercise results in fury, but telling her own students to leave the newcomer alone results in silence. Seems about right.

The fight finally begins and it’s a tad underwhelming. There’s nothing specifically wrong with it—nothing that stands out on first read through anyway—it just not a particularly compelling action sequence. Any interesting tidbits are seen in the dialogue instead. Nebula continually establishes herself as another Mean Girl character, taunting Velvet with how she’s “been wanting to do this for a while” and how “fun” it is to fight her. The spectators, specifically Scarlet and Coco, comment on how Velvet is able to use her semblance outside of the hard light weaponry. Here, she draws on moves from “Pyrrha Nikos, Yang Xiao Long, and even Sun.”

Pyrrha 😭😭😭😭

Why the “even” though? 😒

Coco summarizes her style by saying that “Velvet may fight like a lot of different people, but no one else fights like Velvet.” I quite like that. Velvet is a living embodiment of being more than just the sum of your parts.

As the fight continues Nebula’s taunts grow more vicious, saying that she is better than Velvet because “We left Beacon because we knew it was a lost cause.” Beyond that just being a horrific thing to say, I want to ward off any potential comparisons between our Volume 7 conflict and this statement. RWBY might be trying to draw a parallel between the mean student who would abandon her school and the villainous general who would abandon his city (depending on how my Myers knew about upcoming plotlines), but there’s a huge difference between fighting a grimm army and fighting Salem herself with a grimm army. Velvet and the others were absolutely correct to fight for Beacon because they had a shot at taking it back. A slim one, but a shot nonetheless. Volume 7 provided none of that in regards to Team RWBY’s stance.

This remark does its job though and soon after Velvet becomes stuck in the sand, distracted and upset. Rumpole goes full Mean Teacher then, telling them to keep going. In fact, she quickly becomes the only mean person in the room because the formerly feuding teams are all banding together in Velvet’s defense and even Nebula randomly demonstrates honor—

(sorry I had to)—in how she approaches Velvet now: “[she] reached a hand down to help Velvet up.” Rumpole is clearly meant to be the enemy here, uniting friends, bullies, and even Sunnybrook too. Thing is, it’s once again not that bad? I’m not going to pretend that she isn’t harsh. Too harsh for a normal school? Absolutely. Too harsh for a combat school where these students are learning how to defend themselves from monsters and murderers during a war? Ehhh. Rumpole says that Velvet “beat herself” because “You don’t stop fighting until you can’t fight anymore.” That’s true. Within the context of a school exercise where everyone knows they’re safe and can stop the battle at any moment, it feels finished when Velvet gets stuck, but an actual life or death fight? Do we really think Velvet would stop trying to defend herself, passively staring up at her attacker while they do whatever they please with her? Of course not. She’d either find a way out or she’d go down fighting. You’re telling me that students who frequently break apart stone or, in Ruby’s case, blast through steel doors specifically meant to keep people inside can’t punch downwards and free themselves from some sand? Are the pieces of either of their weapons anywhere within reach? Can Velvet trick her attacker, pretending to be down for the count and then lashing out when she gets close? At the very least, as we saw with Sun’s first encounter this novel, can she talk enough to buy herself time until others arrive to help. Obviously there’s no arriving in this structured exercise, but the point is to try. Rumpole is telling them not to stop trying — to treat this exercise seriously (which they haven’t done from the start) — and they’re throwing back that challenging Velvet to get creative is too mean? In the same way that the students shouldn’t be pit against each other 24/7, they shouldn’t be pushed to their limit 24/7 either… but for once class? One lesson? When they know an attack is on the way and have already watched people die?

See, this is why I can’t take this cast seriously as the leaders of this war. When we’ve got scenes like this the characterization — whether intentional or not — is that they’re not nearly as devoted to their and others’ safety as they should be. Such characterization is fine when one group isn’t conducting a secret investigation, the other hasn’t been given licenses early, and both haven’t been through a battle that cost them the lives of numerous friends. But when they have experienced all these things, you have to wonder what they’re doing complaining about a teacher who says, ‘Hey, don’t just roll over and accept defeat.’

Eventually Coco, Yatsuhashi, Fox, and Arslan step in front of Velvet to keep the fight from continuing. Yatsuhashi pulls her from the sand and when free “she pushed his hands away.” That’s the other thing: no one seems interested in what Velvet wants. They all speak for her in deciding that she can’t and shouldn’t fight anymore.

As a suggested change, I would have liked this so much more if we have the group uncomfortable with the fight continuing, Velvet insisting that she can keep going, and then she asks them for help. Rumpole never laid down a hard rule that this was a 1v1 fight. That’s the unspoken assumption, yeah, but she speaks far more about them not using their weapons. If Velvet had called for reinforcements, so to speak, and the group had dropped their weapons before entering the sandpit, it would have arguably just been an extension of what they learned in reinitiation: “The only rule is survival.” Allies are right here, why wouldn’t she use them? Friends of Nebula step forward to back her up, Rumpole puts a stop to things before it becomes an all out brawl, she compliments Velvet for bending the rules to her advantage, and reminds everyone that this is why it’s so important to learn to work with their new teams: they’re your lifeline so long as you have them. Honestly though, a RWBY story that doesn’t make everyone over 30 out to be a literal or personal villain? Unrealistic.

What Rumpole does instead is remind them that they have to be prepared for the worst and the unexpected to happen. They no longer have the excuse of “No one could have predicted that”: “We know a threat is out there. We know it’s coming to Vacuo. To not prepare for that eventuality would be irresponsible, dangerous, and naïve.” Exactly! Too bad no one else wants to think about that truth. Instead, Scarlet mentally criticizes her for the “cheap shot” and Coco waylays Sunnybrook to ask if she thinks Rumpole seems alright. Of course, Sunnybrook agrees that she’s being too hard on them. She’s “mean” now and “picking on” Velvet.

It astounds me that these characters are grieving over their murdered friends in one chapter and then going ‘You’re mean to challenge us in training :( ’ the next. Don’t any of them want to defend themselves the next time? Or avenge their lost peers? Whatever other faults RWBY has, I think they did right by Jaune and Ren by making the former (briefly) Cinder obsessed and the latter angry that they’re going to a party rather than training. Going too far in those directions obviously isn’t healthy, but neither is demonizing the instructor trying to keep everyone alive. It’s the same underlying problem as Ironwood’s antagonism in Volume 7: armies and threats of martial law are a problem when there isn’t a justified emergency for them. RWBY has, time and time again, given us that emergency in a variety of ways, so why do the characters act as if they’re living in our world where such measures are extreme?

It’s a question I’ll never get an answer to, I’m sure. That’s where we leave the cast though, with Scarlet thinking about how “As long as they were here, every day was going to be a bad day in Vacuo.” Fantastically emo ending for this long and frustrating chapter. I am massively behind on my NaNoWriMo challenge thanks to normal RWBY Recaps, but this? This was a substantial boost. If you somehow made it to the end of all this please accept my virtual cookies.

I’d share the actual gingersnaps I made if that were possible :(

Alright. I’ve kept you all here long enough. Until next time! 💜

[Ko-Fi]

#rwby #mymetas #BTD Recaps #Before the Dawn

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whyyallsweatin · 5 years

Text

I’m a Mail Order Drug Addict

It started after I separated from my husband. It seemed innocent enough, ordering drugs online, since the ones I was ordering were currently legal. I had a feeling that my psychiatrist was out to lunch in not allowing me a prescription for benzodiazepines, so I decided to cut corners. I found links to various suppliers on various online forums and was able to get numerous vendors to send me packets of pills in large quantities. I also got benzodiazepines in a paper form that you just put on your tongue like acid. I ordered in bulk and started to use in bulk. I loved the happy feeling and careless way they made me feel at least temporarily.

Fast forward a few months and I started to look at other types of drugs I could get. Having experience with cocaine, I wanted to try legal stimulants instead of using illegal ones. After some experimentation, I found 3fpm.

3fpm is a stimulant. I ordered a small amount at first but was instantly hooked. My addiction, at least for awhile, was controlled by mailing times and I was forced to take breaks in between times that I had to wait for the drugs to arrive. However, I smartened up and started to order larger quantities to last me longer. Its then that my full blown habit formed. I’d use the stimulant during the day and put myself out at night with benzodiazepines.

I didn’t realize it but using this substance was taking a serious toll on my mental health. I started to get paranoid, really paranoid.

I was using the computer researching various things online while using and I got into a panic after I was unable to fall asleep. After I sent an alarming message to a friend one night, I was arrested by the mental health authority at my home and was sent to the psychiatric ward at the hospital for a month in lock down. I was in an stimulant induced psychosis although I had no idea what that meant. I was forced to take heavy anti-psychotics which made me suicidal and was unable to sleep due to the fact that I was not able to medicate myself with benzodiazepines either.

In the psych ward I was told I was a psychopath because I didn’t want to be there. I was put in isolation for hours and I banged on the door with my feet and screamed at the nurses who worked there. They then injected me with something and I passed out. When I woke up the guards were at the door and they took me to the lock down unit, where you can’t have phones or go outside. It was torture. You couldn’t even have a piece of paper.

While in lock down all I did was walk up and down the halls, doing laps. I was super self conscious about being locked up like that and I had a feeling people would find out.

After I was released I went back to using, thinking my hospitalization was a mistake. I was very angry so I isolated and used heavily. I began a routine of going online and obsessing over things I’d find out, people I thought were stalking me etc. and barely eating.

My paranoia led me down a very dark path. I began obsessing over people who I believed were cyberstalking me. I cat-fished one of them and was able to find out all the things they were saying about me. They made up wild stories about how I stalked them and how they had the RCMP circling around their house looking for me because I was “obsessed with her.” She found out it was me and got really pissed. It was then that things got really out of hand.

After the cat fishing the girl’s friends began to try and catfish me. I left burner numbers on my Facebook profile. They’d call but I would answer the phone without saying anything. Sometimes I’d text back. I was able to determine that they were using burner numbers too because the first four digits always were the same. It was sad. Their attempts to catfish me back were pretty pathetic.

I Facebook called one of the women I suspected of cat fishing me and put tape over my webcam. She freaked out because she couldn’t see me and I told her I was experimenting on them using burner phones as a project. She got pretty upset. I could care less.

After this, I was hospitalized again, but in a free ward where I was able to leave. Still, unable to comprehend that my drug use was the problem, I left the psych ward and began to use again - only my diagnoses was delusional, so I was put on a debilitating anti-psychotic called risperidone. This medication made me suicidal, dysphoric and miserable. I used street drugs after as away to escape temporarily only to find that the come down was worse and the high non-existent. Frustrated by this I put myself in rehab.

At rehab I was convinced that my problem was risperidone, not illicit or non-illicit drugs. Having been on risperidone for 6 months by forced injection, I underwent a very painful withdrawal at rehab and was angry at the fact that I was put on this medication.

I left rehab after 2 months of sobriety. Following that I did a quick stint at a halfway house but left for my own home where I quickly began using again, 3fpm and benzodiazepines via mail.

I then began to spiral completely out of control, to take breaks from 3 fpm I used cocaine, ritually for days on end.

I opened an art studio and did stimulants, 3fpm on some days, and cocaine on others. I’d pass out medicating myself with benzodiazepines. By the second month of being at the studio my brain was completely fried. I couldn’t drive, let alone do anything but sleep.

I put myself in rehab again, only to flee because the anxiety was too much. I had placed an order for 3fpm and benzodiazepines before I went to rehab and they were waiting for me when I got home. I re-upped immediately.

After a few weeks of heavy using I had to start checking myself into the psych ward. I couldn’t get to sleep on my own without benzodiazepines and I ran out after a few weeks since rehab. I detoxed in the psych ward several times but eventually they caught on to me and suggested I go to detox. I refused the first time until eventually I had no choice. I blacked out in my car a few times and eventually had to call my estranged family to come get me and take me to detox.

I detoxed successfully but didn’t make it through stabilization. They put me on heavy medication that made me sleep and I had no clothes or makeup. I was a mess, so I was released. I stayed sober for a few weeks only to relapse on meth - I then checked into rehab again after blacking out and made it through.

I spent several miserable weeks at my family’s house full of guilt and shame. All my money was gone, I was in debt and I had nowhere to live.

I’m now sober in a halfway house. Don’t use drugs. They fuck up your sense of reality. Don’t be fooled by research chemicals, they’re just as dangerous as illegal drugs especially if you have an addictive personality.

#addiction #drugs #cocaine #3fpm #researchchemicals #research chemicals #recovery #addict #cokehead #catfish #stimulants #meth #methamphetamine #dope

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seraph-novak · 6 years

Text

The Perfect Match

Summary ~ In a world where you can calculate your romantic compatibility with other people, Cyrus Goodman wants nothing more than to match highly with his best friend and longtime crush, TJ Kippen.

Also available on AO3 ♥

Written for my amazing friend, @slytherintrash! Thank you for putting up with my constant whining while I struggled to write this fic... I hope you like it!

~~~~~

The walls in the waiting room are glossy and white, almost blinding if you stare at them for too long. Cyrus stares down at his feet instead, blinking the stars out of his eyes as he takes a deep, steadying breath. Next to him, TJ bumps their knees together and smiles. It’s a comforting sight that eases his nerves somewhat, flushing them out with a warm, gooey feeling that only TJ is capable of stirring inside his gut. He returns the smile with one of his own – shaky, but just as genuine – and reaches out to take his hand. TJ sweeps a thumb over his knuckles, sending shivers dancing across his arm. It’s enough to keep him grounded, at least for a little while.

“Are you okay, Cy?” Andi asks him. She’s sitting next to Buffy and Marty on the chairs opposite him and TJ, her eyebrows curving upwards with concern.

“Yeah, I’m good,” he says, squeezing TJ’s hand as the word ‘good’ lodges in the back of his throat, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. “Just nervous.”

Buffy untangles her hands from around Marty’s waist and pats the top of his knee. “Don’t be nervous,” she says, her voice a strange combination of gentle and commanding. “It’ll take them a few hours to add you to the system. You probably won’t get any matches until tomorrow morning.”

“Ugh.” He flops back in his chair, the back of his head hitting the gleaming wall with a heavy thunk. “I don’t wanna wait that long… Waiting’s the worst part!”

“I got my results the same day,” Andi says, a reassuring lilt to her voice. When Cyrus doesn’t respond, she looks to her friends for support. “What about you, Marty?”

“I got mine the next day,” he says with a shrug.

TJ hooks an arm around Cyrus’ shoulders, rubbing the sore spot already starting to swell on the back of his head, and tilts his face towards him with a gentle nudge of his finger. “It only took a couple hours for mine to come through,” he murmurs, so soft only Cyrus can hear him. “Don’t stress about it, Underdog. It’s different for everyone.”

“I don’t even know why I’m nervous,” Cyrus admits, his eyes never leaving TJ’s face. “It’s not like I’m expecting any high matches…”

“You wouldn’t be the only one,” Andi says. It’s a pitiful attempt to inject some humour into the situation, but the tremble in her voice gives her away. A few months ago, when she turned sixteen and underwent this very same process, she discovered that she and Jonah, her boyfriend at the time, only had a measly 46% match. It was awkward for everyone involved.

“I’m sure you’ll match highly with someone,” Buffy butts in, shooting Andi a sideways glare. She, on the other hand, was lucky enough to get a whopping 87% match with Marty – a fact she loves to brag about whenever possible.

TJ rolls his eyes, and Cyrus feels his muscles turn stiff beside him. “It’s not that big a deal,” he says through grit teeth. “Not everyone needs a high match to fall in love, you know?”

“You’re only saying that because your matches suck,” Buffy says.

“Gee, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” She flashes him a smug smile, then turns back to Cyrus. “Don’t listen to these downers, okay? They’re just sad because they’re single.”

Andi whacks her friend on the arm. “Hey! I’m single by choice, thank you very much.”

“Yeah.” Buffy snorts. “Until you get a match above 70%, right?”

“I’d be happy with a 65 at this point.”

“You’ll find someone, don’t worry,” Buffy says, her teasing smirk softening as she takes Andi’s hand. “It takes a little longer for some people to get matched, remember? But it’ll happen eventually. Even for you, TJ.”

When Cyrus glances at TJ, he’s surprised to find his pale green eyes already watching him closely, his smile tilted at a sad angle as he gives his hand another squeeze.

“I’m happy to wait,” he says.

Cyrus blushes and looks away, his stomach swooping as TJ goes back to brushing his knuckles with his thumb, their knees grazing ever so slightly. With every breath, their shoulders rub against each other, and Cyrus can feel his skin burning hotter and hotter, set alight with the need to touch TJ, to hold him close and never let go… For the billionth time today, he wonders what their match will be. He’s always thought – or hoped, at least – that it would be fairly high, but he’s never dared to confess this to anyone. Not even Buffy and Andi, who are pretty much convinced that TJ is already smitten with him.

He thinks back to the pact he made with himself this time last year, on his fifteenth birthday: if he and TJ are matched above 75%, he promised himself he’d finally ask him out. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now the mere possibility of being highly matched with his best friend makes him want to throw up. He’s not sure if it’s a good or bad kind of scared, but either way, he’s terrified.

“Mr Goodman?” A young woman in a white turtleneck pokes her head into the waiting room, her teeth the same dazzling shade as the walls around them. “We’re ready to see you now.”

A bolt of panic freezes him in place, his vision starting to warp as he stares at the open door across the room. The woman’s smile wavers for just a second, then turns warm with understanding. She gives him a small nod, then ducks back into the room.

“I’ll give you a moment.”

“Hey,” TJ says softly, lifting their joined hands to his lips. Once he’s got Cyrus’ attention, he gives him a wink that makes his heart leap and soar like a kite caught in a storm. “You’ve got this, Underdog.”

And just like that, his nerves evaporate. He wishes more than anything that he could lean forward and whisper a thanks against his lips, but he settles for a smile instead. If all goes well, he’ll be kissing TJ this time tomorrow anyway. Just the thought makes his mouth tingle in anticipation, his chest bubbling with warmth.

“Thank you,” he says, sharing a private smile with TJ before turning to the rest of his friends. “All of you. I really appreciate you guys being here.”

Andi and Buffy drag him into a group hug, then usher him out of the waiting room, sending him off with encouraging smiles and thumbs up. He gives them a quick wave at the end of the corridor, his eyes lingering on TJ for a moment longer, then takes a deep breath and walks through the door.

~~~~~

“So,” Andi says as they’re heading towards The Spoon for lunch. “Did she tell you when you’d get your matches?”

Cyrus looks down at the white gadget strapped around his wrist, its screen a dull black until he touches it with his finger. It looks like a watch of sorts, but it’s really just a fancy device that will soon show him his compatibility percentages with people all over the world; at the moment, it just says ‘Matches Pending’.

“She said it would take anywhere between five hours and two days,” he says, tapping the screen again so it fades back to black. “But she also said that some matches don’t come through for years, so… I guess it’s all a waste of time.”

TJ chuckles. He has his arm draped over Cyrus’ shoulders as they walk, his fingers tapping silent tunes against his arm. It feels really nice, and completely normal. Probably because it is. He and TJ have never been shy of touching each other; they’re constantly finding ways to close the space between them, no matter where they are or who’s watching them. In many ways, it’s like they’re already dating.

“Don’t be such a grump,” TJ says fondly, hugging him sideways against his chest.

“I’m not being grumpy,” he insists, purposely pouting his lips to make TJ smile even brighter. “I just don’t understand why it has to be so complicated. Why couldn’t they just tell me there and then?”

Buffy laughs. “They’re comparing your data with billions of other people’s in the world… Maybe cut them some slack?”

“Okay, that’s fair.”

When they get to The Spoon, TJ holds the door open for him with a chivalrous smile, then orders him a double chocolate milkshake and an extra-large basket of baby taters. The five of them spend the next hour and a half stuffing their faces and making light conversation, until Cyrus has all but forgotten about the possibly life-changing results he’ll be receiving at some point in the next two days. It’s only when Andi asks for the bill that reality comes crashing back down, and that familiar feeling of nausea twists in his stomach.

“Cyrus?”

He snaps himself out of his daze, turning to find TJ watching him with knitted brows. The genuine concern on his face is unfairly adorable, and Cyrus wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around him and tell him how much he cares… But then he remembers the heartbreak Andi and Jonah went through not that long ago, and he decides against it.

“Are you alright?” TJ asks him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Do you want me to walk you home?”

Cyrus swallows thickly and nods.

“Okay.”

“TJ?” He grabs his arm as he slides out of the booth, his tone brimming with desperation. Once TJ has sat back down, he loosens his grip and huffs a laugh, his cheeks turning warm. “Sorry, I just… Could you maybe sleep over tonight? I don’t wanna be alone.”

A gorgeous smile brightens TJ’s face, and Cyrus immediately relaxes.

“Of course I’ll stay with you,” he whispers.

It feels like there might be a double meaning there, but Cyrus is too jittery with nerves to overanalyse it. All he wants to do is go home, change into his comfiest pyjamas, and spend the night watching cheesy rom-coms with his best friend. And if he happens to get highly matched with TJ while they’re in the same room, then that would just be an added bonus…

~~~~~

The final scene of When Harry Met Sally never fails to make him weep. Which is why he’s currently curled up in a ball on his bed, sniffing back tears while TJ hands him tissues with a fond and slightly teasing smile.

“Why did you pick a film that always makes you cry?” he asks.

Cyrus wipes his nose and shrugs. “These are happy tears.”

“You’re happy for the fictional characters?”

“Stop laughing at me!”

TJ holds up his hands in surrender, his lips twitching with a barely restrained smirk. “I can’t help it! You’re too adorable.”

“I’m not adorable,” Cyrus says, deliberately blowing his nose to hide the blush blooming across his cheeks. “I just think it’s really nice to see two friends fall in love with each other, you know? I want a romance like that.”

He turns to TJ, preparing himself for another mocking grin, but the older boy is staring down at his hands instead, nervously tugging at his fingers as he chews his bottom lip. Cyrus scoots closer to TJ, his mattress dipping beneath their shared weight, and steadies his fidgeting hands.

“TJ?” he says, his voice low and soft. At TJ’s answering silence, he cups one side of his face and turns it towards him, gently forcing their eyes to meet. “Are you okay?”

TJ barks a wet laugh. “I, um… I don’t know…”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“We both know that isn’t true.”

A tear rolls down TJ’s cheek, catching on the curve of a crooked smile before landing on the duvet wrapped around his legs. He wipes his eyes with the heel of his palm and breathes deeply through his nose, flicking an anxious glance at Cyrus. There’s fear and apprehension twisting his expression, but also a hint of excitement, a whisper of hope…

“I need to tell you something.”

Cyrus winces. “Those are words you never want to hear.”

“Sorry.” Another laugh colours his words. TJ has always been a nervous laugher. “I know this is a weird time to tell you this, but… I need to tell you before you get your matches through.”

“My matches? Why –”

“In case our percentage is terrible,” TJ says, desperately grabbing at Cyrus’ hands and holding them against his chest. He uses his shoulders to wipe away another tear, then presses a kiss to Cyrus’ knuckles. “If we don’t get a good match, I know I’ll lose my nerve… So I’ve gotta tell you now, Underdog. In case it’s the only chance I get.”

Cyrus gulps. “Tell me what?”

“I love you.”

All at once, the world moves in slow motion and the room starts to spin. He was expecting a confession of sorts – a simple “I like you” at best – but nothing like this. He’s not a complete idiot; he knows TJ likes to flirt with him, and he knows their relationship goes way beyond the bounds of friendship. But he never thought – never hoped – that TJ might return his feelings to this extent. He tries to speak, but nothing comes out. The words feel like cotton balls in his mouth, thick and dry and impossible to swallow…

“It’s okay,” TJ says, that small whisper of hope choked into silence. “You don’t have to say anything. I’m sorry for making things awkward.”

Cyrus shakes his head, tightening his grip on TJ’s withdrawing hands. “No! Wait –”

Before he can finish his sentence, a small ‘ping’ sounds from the gadget strapped around his wrist, its formerly blank screen awakening with colour, a brilliant white that slices through the dark room. A simple message appears on the screen: ‘Matches Found’.

“My matches are here,” Cyrus says, although he’s sure TJ can read the message just as clearly, seeing as they’re sitting so close to each other.

“That was fast,” TJ says. His voice sounds dull and congested, like he’s fighting back tears. “Are you ready?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Forget what I said before,” TJ says, sniffing hard. He dries his face with the sleeve of his hoodie and forces a smile. “This is your moment, Cy. Just ignore me.”

“But, Teej –”

“I’m serious, alright? I’ll be fine.”

Cyrus opens his mouth to protest further, but TJ shoots him a warning look, a sad smile ghosting his lips. He’s being very insistent, and Cyrus doesn’t have the emotional energy to fight him. Perhaps there’s only one way to express his feelings, and that’s to show TJ their inevitably high match. If they really are in love with each other – and Cyrus has never been so sure of anything before in his life – then they’re bound to be highly matched, right?

“Fine,” he says, a stubborn set to his jaw. “We’ll do this your way.”

He sucks in a breath, then taps the glowing screen. A long list of percentages fills the empty space – all of them way below average – so Cyrus uses the filters to sort the matches from highest to lowest. It takes a few seconds to submit the request, and then the list refreshes itself.

“Oh my god.”

“Cyrus?”

When TJ touches his shoulder, Cyrus flinches back, ripping the device off his wrist and throwing it across the bed. His chest is heaving with shaky breaths as he wraps his arms around his legs and starts rocking back and forth.

“What’s wrong?” TJ asks, his voice lifting with concern. He places a hesitant hand on Cyrus’ knee, which is bouncing up and down with nervous energy.

Cyrus swallows thickly and points at the discarded gadget sitting on the edge of his bed. “Is that real? That can’t be real…”

“What are you talking about?”

“Just… Just look at it.”

“Cy?”

“Please, TJ.” He grabs his friend’s arm and squeezes it, the beginnings of a smile tugging at his lips. He can feel hysterical laughter building in his chest, threatening to burst out at any moment as fresh tears spring to his eyes. “Seriously, TJ. Look at it…”

TJ raises a sceptical eyebrow, but does as he’s told. There’s a moment of breathless silence as TJ picks it up and taps the screen, followed by a shattering gasp as he throws the gadget back at Cyrus, like a hot potato, and falls off the bed.

“TJ!”

“I’m okay!”

Cyrus peers over the bed and stretches out his arm, offering his hand to TJ. When they’re both sitting back down, and they’ve more or less caught their breath, Cyrus dares to look at the screen again. His heart stops beating for a brief moment as he re-reads his top match, his eyes skipping over the 100% and landing on the words beside it: TJ Kippen, 17/y.o., Shadyside, Midwest, USA.

“You’re my top match,” he says, his voice sounding faraway, as if he’s in a dream.

TJ splutters a laugh. “I don’t think that’s the surprising part, Cy.”

“You already knew I’d be your top match?”

“Well, I hoped…” He scratches the back of his head, suddenly appearing bashful. “But then I told you how I felt, and you didn’t say anything, so…”

“I was shocked!” Cyrus says, throwing his hands in the air. “I kinda guessed you had a crush on me, but I never thought you might –” He stops himself, too afraid to say the word out loud. He slowly lowers his arms and stares down at his lap, a blush creeping up his neck. “Did you really mean what you said?”

TJ brushes his knuckles across his cheek, smiling fondly. “I don’t think you could get a 100% match with someone without being head over heels in love with them.”

For a second, he gets lost in TJ’s adoring gaze, his insides turning to mush as a goofy smile devours his face. But then he catches a glimpse of the screen beaming up at him, and reality comes swooping back in, knocking the breath out of his lungs once again.

“It’s not possible,” he says. “I mean, yes, I’m in love you. Like, really, really in love with you. But the highest ever recorded match is only 92%. Perfect matches don’t exist, TJ! Maybe in movies, but not in real life.” He closes his eyes and massages his temples, desperately trying to regain his cool. “If this was actually real, then that would make us…”

“Soulmates?” TJ suggests.

Cyrus looks up at him, completely taken aback by his unfazed expression. “How are you not freaking out about this?”

TJ chuckles. “The only thing I’ve ever been 100% certain about in my life is how much I love you,” he says, his eyes softening in awe as he maps Cyrus’ face with his fingertips. “So, no… The fact that we’re soulmates doesn’t freak me out at all.”

“You mean… The idea of spending the rest of your life with me doesn’t scare you?”

A grin slowly spreads across TJ’s face. “In the words of Harry Burns,” he says, “‘When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible’.”

Cyrus doesn’t even think before lunging himself at TJ, a happy chorus of “I love him. I love him. I love him.” playing in his head as he fervently hugs the boy of his dreams. There’s an uncontrollable smile dimpling his cheeks, and his heart is racing a mile a minute, but he somehow feels calmer than he’s ever felt before in his life, completely at ease in TJ’s loving embrace.

“Do you think they know?” he asks, his words muffled against TJ’s shoulder. “There must be people who keep tabs on the matches, right?”

TJ sighs. “Yeah, probably.”

“So… We’re gonna be media sensations pretty soon.”

As if sensing his fear, TJ pulls away, a deep frown creasing his brow, and cups Cyrus’ face in his hands. “Don’t be afraid, Underdog. We’re in this together, okay?”

Cyrus nods. “Okay.”

Within minutes, there’s a screeching of tyres outside his bedroom window, followed closely by frantic knocking on their front door. He can hear his mom and stepdad whispering to each other, completely oblivious as to why there are dozens of news vans suddenly parked outside their house.

“Should we go talk to them?” TJ asks, lifting his shoulders in a dubious shrug. “We have to face them eventually.”

Cyrus glances at the flashing lights glinting off his window, then back at TJ, his worries melting away the moment he looks into those familiar green eyes, forever brimming with unconditional love and support.

“They can wait,” he says, smiling as he palms the back of TJ’s neck and brings his face closer, until their lips are just a hair’s breadth away. “I have a soulmate to kiss.”

#tyrus #tj kippen #cyrus goodman #andi mack #tyrus fics

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popsicletheduck · 4 years

Text

I’m stuck currently stuck in quarantine, bored as hell, and been listening to Thomas Sanders’ “Friends on the Other Side” mashup on repeat and feeling like there was a story stuck somewhere in there, so I did a complete lyrical analysis to find it. I’m not sure if I have the motivation to write the story out fully, but I share my rambling analysis (and hope someone else takes the ideas because I’d love to read it). Yes I know I’m like, way way late on loving this song, but hyperfixations aren’t always the most organized things.

There are, for our purposes three characters/groups of characters for analysis. The Summoner: played by Thomas, referred to in lyrics as ‘he’ The Demons: while they do seem to have some individual purposes/motivations, for this breakdown we’ll be considering them as a whole. Occasionally referred to by themselves but never by another character The Customer: the listener, referred to as ‘you’

You're in my world now, not your world The place that we are in is separate from our world. This separation could either be distance (it is a different physical place than our world) or temporal (it was our world in the past but is now his world)

And I've got friends on the other side (I find delight in the gruesome and grim) He's got friends on the other side From their sudden appearance, later disappearance, and occasional nonhuman traits (black/flickering eyes), it’s clear the other members at the table are something supernatural. I use ‘demon’ as it’s what Thomas refers to them in the outro as, but we’ll get back to who these people might be later. From here, however, we know they are 1. evil in some sense (“I find delight in the gruesome and grim) and 2. connected to the Summoner (they are his “friends”)

Sit down at my table Put your mind at ease (I put a spell on you) If you relax, it will enable me (Now you're mine) to do anything I please I can read your future (Be prepared) I can change it 'round some too (Trust in me) I can look deep into your Heart and soul (Poor unfortunate souls) Make your wildest dreams come true (so sad, so true) Here we learn that the Customer is not in a good place (the “poor, unfortunate souls” seems to be at least partially directed at the listener), but it is plural, souls. The Customer is not the first to come to this table. They’re here to get their “wildest dreams” fulfilled, but either getting them here involved some magical coercion or what is about to happen is going to bind them to this group, depending on how you want to interpret “I put a spell on you/And now you’re mind”. Either way, dubious consent is involved.

I got voodoo, I got hoodoo I got things I ain't even tried 'Cause I've got friends on the other side The only things I will outright ignore, because the Summoner is a white dude and these are Black forms of magic, as per the original context of the song, I will simply generalize to say the Summoner is powerful in magic and possibly multiple forms of magic i.e. he can do more than just summon the Demons

And if you aren't shaking, there's something very wrong 'Cause this may be the last time you hear the boogie song Woah (woah) Woah (woah) Woah (woah) I'm the Oogie Boogie Man Demons = bad. Also, whatever is about to happen to the Customer might involve their death, if this is the “last time [they] hear the boogie song”

Beware! Take care! He rides alone! This vampire bat This inhuman beast He ought to be locked up And never released He swears to the longest day he's dead He'll show them that he can get ahead The Summoner, however, might be worse than the Demons, as it’s one of them that sings “He ought to be locked up/And never released”. The Summoner also “swears.. he’s dead”. This death could either be metaphorical (he is such a drastically different person from who he used to be that his former self is now “dead”) or literal (some magic, probably dark, brought him back to life). He also wants to “get ahead” as some form of revenge against a nebulous ‘them’ and “rides alone”. Despite him calling the Demons “friends”, there isn’t actually any connection there. He is in charge, alone at the top of the pyramid.

The world was such a wholesome place until He had a plan to shake things up And that's the gospel truth The answer to our first question. This world is separated from our own temporarily, and it was the Summoner himself who made this “his world”. This puts me in mind of some dystopian society with the Summoner as its leader.

Are you ready (fire) Are you ready? (hellfire) Are you ready? (Are you ready?) (This fire in my skin) Transformation Central (Yes, it is he) (Transformation Central) (But not as you know him) Reformation Central (Reformation Central) Transmogrification Central (Read my lips and come to grips with reality) Can you feel it? You're changing, you're changing, you're changing, all right The Customer here changes, but we also get further confirmation that the Summoner is Something Else: “he/But not as you know him”. Assuming that this is the Customer’s first interaction with the Summoner, the only way they “know him” is as human. Combined with the context of the Customer changing, references to the Customer dying earlier, and the Summoner already dead, it’s possible whatever happened to him is happening to them. With this not being the first customer at the table, it’s possible the Demons are, in fact, past customers, tricked into undergoing some magical transformation at the hands of the Summoner. And that transformation just happened to the Customer.

Far from the ones who abandoned you Chasing the love of these humans (love is an open door) Who made you feel wanted (because they guzzle up the things you prize) Some motivation on what drove the Customer to the Summoner. They were abandoned by people they care about (“the ones who abandoned you’) who also took “the things you prize”, and this was the in that the Summoner/Demons needed (“Love is an open door”.) The way these lines are sung, however, also seem to imply that the Demons are singing somewhat from a place of personal experience, further solidifying the idea that they were formerly humans altered by magic.

I hope you're satisfied But if you ain't Don't blame me Don't forget it Don't forget it Don't forget it You'll regret it Some level of obedience is now required of the now transformed Customer. If they have, in fact, become a Demon, it’s possible they will be required to assist the Summoner in later transformations, or whatever other plots the Summoner has.

This land we behold This beauty untold A man can be bold It all can be sold As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating The plots the Summoner has involve money and selling everything. This is why I’ve referred to the listener as “the Customer”. If “It all can be sold”, it seems likely they paid for the transformation they just underwent, although it also seems likely they weren’t entirely aware ahead of time what they were paying for.

And you can blame my friends on the other side (You got what you wanted) (But you lost what you had) Shh… There is some level of secrecy to this whole operation. The outcome (being transformed into a demon) and the nature of the Summoner (not human) both seem like things that he would want to keep under wraps. The Customer has “got what [they] wanted” (some way back to the humans that abandoned them and/or the unspecified “thing they prize”) but “lost what [they] had” (their humanity).

In summary:

The Summoner was once human, died in some way, and was brought back by magic, possibly his own which made him nonhuman

He owns/runs the world in some fashion through the selling of his magic, as a means of spite and revenge against an unspecified group, possibly humanity as a whole

The Demons were once humans transformed by the Summoner’s magic, possibly as he himself once was, and the song is the same transformation happening to the Customer

The Customer felt abandoned/betrayed by humans/a group of humans and was not in a good place, which lead them to the Summoner

In short, a fascinating tidbit to work into a story. This could either be the story in its entirety, or the background for a larger piece (someone investigating the disappearance of the Customer, perhaps?)

I’m sure the idea will continue to percolate in my mind for the next little bit, but if someone else wants to take these ideas and run with them, feel free! Just let me know if you do decide to use them because I’d love to see what you make of them.

#thomas sanders #friends on the other side #i wanna tag sanders sides but like #it isnt #and i sorta did this because i saw a lot of animatics with deceit as the summoner #and like i get it #but that doesnt feel quite right #but also if someone took this and mashed it into a sides au #i'd love them forever #who am i kidding no one will ever read this #oh well

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the-end-of-art · 5 years

Text

Christianity has no magic

My husband lost his job. My sister-in-law was murdered. Here’s what it did to my faith. by Elizabeth Bruenig at the Washington Post

A week before my daughter was born, my husband lost his job. It was unexpected. I came home from work just a little early one day because I thought I had felt a contraction — I didn’t know what it would feel like, having never given birth, and so I thought every pain could be a sign of labor.

When I came inside, I saw my husband’s shoes by the door. It wasn’t time for him to be in yet. I looked up and there he was, sitting in the rocking chair we had bought for me to use when nursing our baby. And he was slouched with his head in his hands, so then I knew.

I don’t remember much else about what happened then, other than that at some point I pulled so hard on the medal I was wearing — a miraculous medal, imprinted with an image of the Virgin Mary — that the clasp broke.

When I gave birth a few days later, the pain was unmistakable.

My husband and I came home from the hospital and looked for jobs for him. Sometimes when a job seemed especially promising I would go to church and light a candle and pray, although I still hadn’t fixed the clasp on my medal and didn’t wear it. It laid on the surface of my dresser and was buried in short order under towels and rags and baby clothes.

***

I had felt, maybe because of all my prayers, that things would soon look up. It made sense that things would get better quickly.

In late June, while my husband was out shopping for a suit for interviews, he received a phone call from his father in Texas. My husband’s sister, he said, had been murdered. She was 29 years old.

When my husband came home, I was in bed with the baby. Both she and I were glazed with sweat. Our bed is near a window; outside there are only the staggered roofs of other buildings, plain and tan, some of them sometimes crested by birds. I had fallen asleep watching crows rising up in the shimmering heat.

When he woke me up all I could hear through my daze was that she had passed away.

It was only later that he used the word murdered. A man had attacked Heather in the trailer she shared with two other women — a mother and her adult daughter who had previously lived out of their car. Heather was engaged and looking forward to her impending marriage. She had sporadically studied accounting after high school but spent most of her time working as a waitress at Cracker Barrel and Red Lobster. She had always been poor; she had never known anything other than being poor.

Red Lobster helped pay for her funeral. Dimly I thought of God’s love for the poor. Where could it have gone? Where was God now?

My husband flew to Texas, and I slept with our daughter, only a few weeks old. She woke up often then, hungry, and I would nurse her. In between I drifted in and out of a fitful twilight sleep, still aching from birth and worry. I wanted to see my husband, but I had run out of encouraging things to say. We were both exhausted. I would try to pray, only for my mind to wander into broken thoughts. I had a strange dream.

In my dream, I wandered down the aisle of some kind of noisy, crowded theater. At the front, where a stage should have been, were confessionals. I went inside one to repent and there was no priest there, only a screen with the face of a priest. I said to him: “Father, I’ve lost my faith.”

***

I should tell you the story of my medal.

In 2014, my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She underwent surgery, and my mother visited her in the hospital often. It was a long recovery.

One evening my mother came home from the hospital and showed me something.

“I spotted this in the parking lot,” she said. There was a dull, nickel-colored oval in her hand. On one side I could make out the image of the Blessed Virgin, but the other side was coated with chewed gum and dirt.

I am a convert. My mother, a Methodist, wasn’t sure what this pendant could be. Neither was I.

I cleaned it up with dish soap and tweezers. It had been scraped on the asphalt, but I could read the words: O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.

The next time I was out, I took the medal with me in a plastic bag. I brought it to a jewelry shop and had it put on a simple black cord with a lobster clasp, and from then on I wore it very often, thinking as much of whoever had lost it in the hospital parking lot as of my mother who picked it up out of the filth for me as of the Blessed Virgin herself.

***

The police were able to tell us that they had caught Heather’s killer driving her car, which he had stolen. She had been stabbed in the neck. There was very little more they were willing to say.

A couple of job opportunities seemed very likely. I would pray and ask all my friends to pray. I trust that they did.

But nothing came through.

***

For a while during the long, hot summer I entertained the superstitious idea that things would not look up for my family until I had the clasp of my medal repaired. I did not think I was being punished for breaking it, but I thought I had damaged some trust by doing that, and that I couldn’t fix it until I did some penance by way of cost and trouble.

But things got in the way. There is so much to carry when you go out with a baby. I would always think of taking it with me when I thought we might pass by a jewelry shop, but some other thing — a bottle, a rattle, a just-in-case bundle of socks — would always occupy my hands instead.

Summer stretched on. Our baby grew; she did not wake up so much in the night anymore, and she could smile and laugh. I prayed for the soul of my sister-in-law, and for my husband’s family and my husband, who occupied himself with our baby so as not to dwell too much on everything that was lost. I didn’t rush to light candles for possible jobs anymore. It didn’t seem to be any use, and I thought I had made my hope on that front clear enough. God would listen or He wouldn’t.

I had days of greater and lesser certainty. Mostly I thought God was listening. That was the fact that made me feel so restless: Why are You listening so quietly? I know You’re there. A whisper of doubt sometimes passed through my thoughts: You’re only thinking like this because it’s likely another job will come along. If it were something less likely, you wouldn’t feel so sure.

***

In August I visited my gynecologist’s office for a postpartum checkup. Everything looked to be in order. She asked me if I had felt sad since the baby had been born, or hopeless or lost. She asked if I had spent many hours crying.

I lied to her. But on the way home, in the still midday street with sun flooding upward from the pavement, I impulsively stopped my taxi short of my apartment building.

I departed from the road into the cavernous darkness of a church.

It wasn’t time for confession, but there was a priest in the sacristy who I asked, when he emerged, if he would hear my confession. He led me by the shoulder to the confessional where I knelt down and rested my forehead on my folded knuckles.

I don’t have any more faith, I told him.

But you’re here, he said. He was patient. It took a long time for me to say anything. Slowly I recounted everything that had happened over the past few months, though I didn’t tell him about my medal — somehow even then I was still too cowardly to tell him about my medal.

He listened. He said, at last, that while faith can be a comfort, it can also torture you. It can tear at you in times like these, he said, with his hand fixed like a claw. Because you know everything could be made better. But it isn’t.

The line between religion and magic, I learned in school, isn’t clear. But many scholars of religion agree that one important division is that while magic is private and crisis-oriented, religion is public and its rituals have no specific, short-term, earthly goals.

Christianity has no magic, and that may be just as well.

***

Eventually a job came along. The way that it happened was very prosaic, the way most jobs are. Nothing about it felt miraculous. I couldn’t discern any sign in it, but I know there must be one. It isn’t always important, I now think, to feel moved. Sometimes faith is an act of will. Maybe it mostly is.

What can I say: That my faith wasn’t injured? It was wounded.

But wounded things heal.

By the fall our baby had grown so much she could no longer fit into her first baby clothes. I decided to put all of them away for the next baby, and so went through our apartment gathering up every sock and onesie marked for a baby up to three months. In doing so I uncovered my medal, still looped on its broken cord.

I was never going to have it fixed, I realized. It wasn’t realistic. Having the clasp of a cord repaired was no longer possible in the scheme of the life I had now.

Nor did I have to. I slipped it from the cord and onto an unbroken silver chain I’d bought someplace a long time ago. It looked different, but wore just the same.

(https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2016/12/24/my-husband-lost-his-job-his-sister-was-murdered-heres-what-it-did-to-my-faith/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.706accc06f9b)

#Elizabeth Bruenig #faith #grief #loss #death #recovery #healing

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gut-shabbos-sluts · 5 years

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Tell Me Things About Kitrit 🌟☀️🌙❄️🔥❤️🕊️🍼☕🍂🦋💐🌼🥀🏞️🏡🔪💎📚🌗👑💕☁️👀❓ Yes I'm asking every question. No there are no ulterior motives. Promise. Kinda.

I don’t trust this but I love my girl so here are some answers (under the cut bc this is a Lot of questions)

🌟 When your OC loses all hope, who do they turn to first? What helps make them feel better? What calms them down and reassures them? Why?

When things go down, Kitrit first turns to her sister, Gadiela. This is a poor choice on many levels, the first being that Gadiela is a Literal Snake, but Kit trusts her sister more than anyone in the world, and knows that she would do anything to help her. Whoever’s comforting her, Kit wants to be held, to be told that things will be alright, to be distracted from whatever’s going on. She’s used to being in a bubble. Comfort that takes her back to that works best.

☀️ What makes your OC genuinely happy? A person, an item, their hobby? Where is the place they’re happiest, or most at home? What is the happiest they’ve ever been?

She’s at her happiest when she’s with her sister (this will be a running theme). Before Plot Things happened (more on those later), she also took a lot of joy from creating different types of art: painting, drawing, glass blowing. But she can’t do those anymore. The happiest place for her is her family’s garden, and all of her happiest memories are of spending time there, talking to her sister, enjoying the flowers and recreating them in art.

🌙 If your OC could have one wish come true what would it be and why? Would there be consequences to this wish or would they regret it once they get what they want? What would they give in return for this wish to come true?

The greatest wish Kit has is to turn back time and never agree to leave home. Things have gone from bad to worse since that agreement, and as far as she can tell, there was nothing but good at home. She’d give up her new magic in a heartbeat to go back to that.

❄️ What makes your OC sad, so sad that they can’t help but cry all day? How do they cheer themself up? Does their sadness upset any of their loved ones too?

She’s not one to be sad, really. Scared, angry, horrified, lost, those are her negative emotions. Kitrit is rarely straight up sad.

🔥 Is your OC known for having temper tantrums? If not, what gets them really angry? What makes their blood BOIL? Is there anyway to calm them down or are they unstoppable? What are they like when they’re angry? Do they take it out on their loved ones?

Kit’s not known for her temper, with most of her emotional reactions being to shut down, but she gets angry. She’s angry at the people who have hurt her, the people who force her to be someone she doesn’t want to be, the fact that her sister isn’t accepted by the others she cares about. She steeps the emotions, not wanting to show them or take it out on anyone, and one day she will burst.

❤️ What would your OC’s ideal lover be like? Appearance, personality, voice? Would their family approve or would it be civil war?

She has no clue what her ideal lover would be like. She’s very sheltered and very obedient and has never thought to have thoughts about anyone except the person her parents set her up with.

🕊️ Would your OC ever get married or are they already wed? If they’re married, describe what their wedding was like! If not, describe their ideal wedding (or do this if you feel like it anyway!)

She’s engaged, to a man she’s met once. And she wants out. So Kit’s ideal wedding is one that Does Not Happen.

🍼 Does your OC have any children or want children? What names would they pick? Are they good with kids or a complete disaster?

Kit’s barely not a kid herself, and couldn’t imagine having children of her own. She doesn’t want anyone to rely on her.

☕ Give us one (or more if you feel like it) of your OCs deep dark secrets! Why do they keep it hidden? Spill the tea!

So, the first one, the biggest secret she’s got (that honestly her sister and party have probably already caught on to in some degree): she’s grateful for the trauma she underwent, for the sole reason that it means she can push off getting married for as long as possible. Then, another secret she’s keeping from her party: her sister is a Literal Snake who lives under her skin and is the source of her magic. Both of them are secrets because she’s terrified of rejection and abandonment.

🍂 What are their opinions on the different seasons? Which one do they hate and which one do they love and why?

She loves them all, between the changing colors and wildlife. But Kit’s favorite is by far summer. She loves the feeling of everything being lush and alive around her.

🦋 If your OC could change everything (or just something) about their life would they? What would they change? What do they think would happen if they did? What would their loved ones think?

She’d live someplace quiet and full of nature, with her sister, and where only her closest friends knew how to find her. She’d have peace, and no pain. Her injuries would be healed. She’d be with the only family member she cares about, and she knows that that person wants the same.

💐 Does your OC like flowers? What are their favourites? Do they keep a garden of some sort? What flowers would they use in a flower crown? (and if you like, research the meanings behind those flowers!)

Kit loves flowers, spent most of her childhood in her family’s gardens, and doesn’t know anything about their meanings. Her ideal flower crown is made of dahlias, lilies, peonies, and zinnia.

🌼 Write a short drabble from your OCs POV meeting their LI (or if they don’t have a love interest, their best friend. If you don’t want to do a drabble, describe their first meeting instead!)

Kitrit met her sister at the age of ten, while sitting in the gardens. A snake has wound its way up the bench, and began to speak to her, and she could understand it. There was no shock, as she had grown up with stories of the snake that had left the womb with her, but Kit was dumbfounded, all the same. A sister, after all these years? Someone only she could speak with? It was the best sort of miracle.

🥀 Has your OC ever been hurt by someone they love? Ever been betrayed? Abused? Attacked? Give me the angst! (if you’d like, write a short drabble about it!)

She left home to go meet her fiance, and that’s where things went wrong. Kitrit’s caravan was attacked by what seemed to be bandits, and she was dragged out of her carriage. Every person traveling with her was killed in front of her, and when that was done, the leader approached her, cutting her eyes out of her head and her hands from her body. She was left for dead.

🏞️ If your OC could travel to anywhere in their world where would they go? Why? If they could live there would they?

The one thing Kitrit would like to experience before she withdraws into privacy is the sea. Everything about the water fascinates her, and she’s never been close to it in such a large way before. But she wouldn’t live there. There isn’t enough green, and it's too foreign. Just the visit is enough.

🏡 Describe your OCs ideal house! Give us a tour around! What’s their garden like? Their bedroom? Kitchen? Where is it and how many people live there?

Kit’s ideal house isn’t a full house, it’s a bedroom, full of light and air, and a garden, sprawling and beautiful. There’s a kitchen somewhere and guards protecting it from a distance, but otherwise, it’s just her, her sister, her art, and nature surrounding them.

🔪 Has your OC ever killed someone? Ever had to defend themselves against violence? How did this make them feel? Or, alternatively, has your OC ever attacked someone? Seen someone die?

She’s seen many die, now, and she has no interest in seeing it again. But she has attacked in self-defense. It was strange and not something she wants to have to do often.

💎 Does your OC collect anything? Is there a reason? When did they start and is it beginning to turn into a little bit of a hoarding issue? What do they do with their collection?

She doesn’t collect anything, at least, not yet.

📚 If your OC was given some kind of forbidden knowledge, what would they do with it? Would they tell anyone? Use it for evil or good? How would it change their outlook on life, if at all?

There’s a high chance that Kit wouldn’t understand the knowledge. She’s not the brightest, and assumes that everything she needs to know will be explained to her. If it was entrusted as a secret, though, she wouldn’t tell a soul. Except maybe her sister.

🌗 Early mornings or late nights? What do they spend their time doing during these hours?

Of the two, early mornings, for the sunrise. But she prefers the brightness of day.

👑 If your OC was made royal (or is royal) how would they use their power? Are they a good leader or bad? Do their subjects like them or is it ‘off with their head’? Do they enjoy being royal?

She’s noble, and she hates it. Everything about being in the center of attention makes her uncomfortable. From that, at least, she would be a good leader, but she’s also very quick to trust, and is too much of a people-pleaser for her own good.

💕 How is your OC like with physical affection? What are their boundaries? Do they enjoy being touched or is that a no-go? Is there any reason behind this?

There’s no particular reason for it, but Kit loves physical affection. Casual touch, being held, she craves affection in that form. It’s helpful that she likes it, now, with all the comforting she needs.

☁️ What’s something your OC wishes they could forget? Why is this? Or, what is something that your OC has forgotten? (or do both!)

She wishes she could forget the last things she saw. Everything else she could live with.

👀 Describe your OC through the eyes of another person! (bonus + specify who)

She’s small, frail almost, with dark hair. The bangs almost let you miss the blindfold. She smiles often but doesn’t sound happy when she speaks. There’s a sense of nervous energy that can’t be relieved. Her arms are crossed, hugging herself, and she sits with her knees at her chest.

❓ A random fact or short drabble! Or make up your own question to ask the OC!

Ask Me Something Specific, Wren

#ask me about my other characters!#dungeons and dragons #this got so long #when your dm asks you a lot of specific questions and you immediately fear #chaoticarchfey

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sole-cuore-amore-e-droga · 6 years

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Eurovision 2018 Rehearsals Day 7 - Actual first impressions

Russia: Weaklish weaklings, the sudden cuts to Julia’s closeup are a bit jarring. Kind of a weaksauce presentation with trying to be something else than it actually is. The pretty lights shouldn’t be saving it all.

Moldova: Still the same staging, but from the eurovision.tv clip I don’t really like how the chorus is sung. I’d rather if Marina did the same as she did in the national final, not try to sing in the same monoton...y(???) for the first two lines in each 4 pieces of the chorus. And as someone said, your song seems to be terrible if you think the staging can save it from failure... well the package is charming, albeit the song’s sounding dated af, but it’s Kirkorov, and nothing touched by Kirkorov ever fails... unless Kirkorov himself sings it. He’s like Björkman, except that he’s not a Russian HoD, but just merely a mentor. (Also somehow I missed both of their rehearsals in full vocally, whether on purpose or being in the English writing exam. I am so curious about the ending harmony bit of the song!)

The Netherlands: Ooh, proper camera shots do their work on this. With such, no one at home will notice these randomly dancing ‘bandmates’. I have a bone to pick with one camera shot though, it seems to be unnecessarily repeated straight after itself being shown once.

Australia: I like this dress. But sweet Jesus these vocals she displayed... the high notes especially were kind of goat-like and got me giggling together with people on the ESCXtra livestream... I’m so sorry Jess. You tried though. I bet she might as well be stellar in the jury dress rehearsal just to give Australia an excuse to qualify.

Georgia: Looks like a band that came to do their thing and went. The sound mixing in the clip was a little iffy on these guys though, I was expecting more of complete harmonizing in the last part of the song, now their vocals are just crashing into each other. Also gotta love how each vocalist got a camera shot on his own in the preview clip

Poland: Oh my, separate shots focusing on Lukas and Gromee? Ugh... Well basically, there was one long shot of Lukas walking way farther from the stage, and is still doing something like shouting the word “jump!”, which I hope he does WAY less when doing dress rehearsals AND actual live show(s). I love his elongated “goooooooo”s, that’s why. Who cares if you cannot recreate some effects that you DJ scratched on? Speaking of DJ, look at them dance moves provided by Gromee. He’s moving in his DJ booth interesting-ly and gets camera spun around him in the preview video, thinking we’re getting something else but instead we’re back to Gromee... moreover, Gromee for that time keeps his back against the viewers so it comes off as a bit awkward of a choice.

Malta: The camera shots b random in this one. Glitch cut to zoom out of the stage with fire effects shooting out during the bridge, immediate random cuts in between towards the dancer and Christabelle. I hoped this would move more smoothly. The other thing that’s smooth is Christabelle’s performance in itself. I think she’s wearing better clothes now? Not sure tbh. Oh and this is the first artist that came onto the ESCXtra’s livestream by itself and didn’t come from the interview room. Granted, she was briefly there in between the Hungarian rehearsal problems (such as it failing to take off as planned), but she arrived and had one more chit-chat with us lovely viewers. She did get to hear my comment about me wearing her hoop earrings she wore at the time, and then said she didn’t know where she got them from. xD Lovely posh lady. Sadly the song is lacklustre, as have been many songs of many others who tried a million times (lol Romanian entry) that have been selected to Eurovision. I admit, I have never heard of Ira’s “Chameleon”, but I am assuming it’s also as lacklustre so that it had to be changed into something completely else. And so was “Breathlessly” (my favourite from what I remember of Claudia’s tries was “When It’s Time” tbh). And so kinda was “Coming Home” (only because I still think Richard Edwards wants to go to Eurovision all by himself, no matter the fact he went with a band once). And so was “Warrior” of course. Why is it a Maltese tendency to snub fan faves of the NF? We will never find out.

Hungary: Ho boy. Before their rehearsal my computer underwent an 8 minute lag... only for to their rehearsal not start out the way it was planned. :’) It happened TWO MORE TIMES before one run-through actually working (and another one after that). I thought it was kind of worse than whatever happened in the first rehearsal, maybe it was because of the failorious sound mixing, I dunno. I have heard things about A Dal’s soundsystem being a bit of a failure too, so yeah. I just hope the backtrack won’t end up sounding too quiet or something, I believe it was one of the factors that led to Latvia’s failure to impress last year, together with Agnese’s vocal performance that felt like she’s too scared or too tired to do anything that day. But no really, at some point the chorus sounded like they have had Patrick Stump hidden underneath somewhere, singing in an ‘imaginary’ language (lol I know Hungarian is not imaginary, don’t @ me). Bit too eerie here, the sound system should get its shit together on it.

Latvia: Ohey I mentioned Latvia earlier ago. Your token “stand alone on stage in one place but rely on the camerashots to make it look more powerful or something” song number #428597 or so. So much so she’s used the second most camerashots this year according to my understanding (only Cyprus beats her, and the 3rd one seems to be Hungary!). Mnaaaah I still can’t help but think Latvia’s heading for a last place again. It just seems a song that can be THIS unappealing at first listen. Not to mention, “is she wearing a bed robe?”

Sweden: Nothing too much, except that Benjamin AND his backings sounded a bit too poor during the preview clip while mainly maintaining the same staging as in Melodifestivalen. Lights and everything. Down to the nodding. Should be a failure but as I mentioned earlier to Moldova... (well technically the Swedish song is still catchy and still... Swedish, so of course it’s gonna qualify.)

Montenegro: Seems fine to me, performance is a performance. Maybe the backings were a bit too loud this time though.

Slovenia: Dare I mention that the Xtra team made people miss half of the first run through and the entirety of the second run through to interview Laura Rizzotto on the livestream? Including the time spent on waiting on Laura? Glorious... and sad at the same time as I have sent her so many questions and she didn’t even bother to reply to any single one of them... :( Back to Lea now: thank God the camerashots aren’t too much in this one, otherwise they would be too much for the viewers at home, as much as the moment when the song got ‘halted’ before the 2nd chorus for Lea to ask others to sing the hook for her (according to her it was basically inserted there because she thought that her own song becomes boring midway through. We love a queen of self-shade here).

Ukraine: Same old, same old. I have heard bad things being said ‘bout the camerawork but to be pretty honest, it was good enough imo. ESPECIALLY WHEN there’s a shot dedicated to Melovin’s backing singers

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leio13 · 6 years

Text

La Tristesse Sale

A Soukoku Fic

Summary: It had been 3 weeks, 5 hours, 28 minutes, and 32 seconds since Mori requested to see Dazai’s annoying partner, and much to Dazai’s own surprise, he was eager to resume their antagonistic dynamic, but when he returned, Chuuya wasn’t as Dazai remembered. He was cold, without that familiar passion.

For the last 3 weeks, Chuuya had underwent a series of experiments to enhance his ability and create the ultimate killing machine: Corruption.

Relationships: Soukoku (Dazai/Chuuya)

Betaread by the lovely @fraink5! Thanks for continuously supporting me throughout this wild ride!

Chapter 8: Sortir

Sortir- [v.] to go out

Masterpost | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Ao3

“Okay, up and at 'em! Let's go! Time to wake up!" Dazai yanked the sheets off his partner's bed. "Today, we are going to be productive members of society! Now, get up!"

Dazai hopped onto the bed and started jumping, causing it to shake just like he intended. Hopefully, it wouldn't break, but until it did, he'd continue to bounce, waiting for a familiar groan. He looked down. Two blue eyes stared at him with what he thought might have been a bit of malice, or it could just have been a hopeful hallucination.

As Chuuya groggily sat up, Dazai skipped out of the room, singing, before popping his head back in through the doorway. "I hope you haven't forgotten personal hygiene! The bath is yours for the taking!"

Really, if he thinks I'm taking him out when he stinks, he's wrong. And I really need to get him outside, so he'd better take a bath! Dazai monologued to himself about how incompetent and stressful the new Chuuya could be while the redhead prepared himself for whatever strange outing Dazai had planned.

Chuuya followed Dazai around like an obedient dog, never questioning anything until they were standing in the front of the aquarium. “I thought we were going to lunch.”

��Not this early. Besides, you need to go outside more.”

Chuuya stared at Dazai with empty eyes, the hollow blue sea slowly drowning Dazai. Of course, Dazai's smile remained afloat.

Dazai strolled inside, bought two one-day passes, and handed Chuuya a brochure. “Where do you wanna go?”

Chuuya was filled to the brim with ideas, the main idea being silence and the other idea being "this isn’t lunch."

Dazai peered over Chuuya’s shoulder, "How about Fureai Lagoon?"

"Have you ever petted a shark before? I personally haven't and can't wait!" Dazai tapped his foot as Chuuya slowly caught up to him. Observing the lagoon, he noticed something of interest; there were people swimming in it. They were all wearing wet suits and wading about, and splashing with them were slippery white creatures. "Ah, Chuuya! Look! Look! They're swimming with dolphins! I want to do that too!"

"Sharks first." Chuuya eyed Dazai jumping up and down pointing like a child. He sighed.

Dazai ignored the sigh and its implications. Chuuya spoke! That by itself was so amazing that the tone didn't matter at all. Chuuya could have been sad, happy, angry, exhausted, perky, or anything, and Dazai wouldn't have cared so long as his partner spoke voluntarily. Perhaps he should have cared more about its connotations, but he didn't. A huge grin covered his face, “okay!"

Slowly, Dazai reached his hand into the shallow tank. Dark sharks swam in curvy patterns just below his fingertips. If he reached in any further, they would brush against him. Of course, that was the whole point, so Dazai moved his fingers to touch the back of a small shark. The baby shark continued on as if Dazai wasn't there, but, as it swam, Dazai could feel its coarse skin slip through his touch. It was a strange feeling and, sadly, ephemeral. In seconds, the fish was gone, and his hands were empty.

"Chuuya! You try too!" Dazai noticed his partner was fiddling with his glove and did him the favor of yanking it off. Then, he grabbed Chuuya's hand and submerged it into the lukewarm water. Chuuya stared at him, his eyes wide.

"You can't feel them outside the tank." Dazai shrugged and guided Chuuya's hand to the nearest little shark. He stopped applying pressure, allowing for Chuuya's hand to move on its own and make the connection. But Chuuya's hand didn't move. In fact, Chuuya stood still, his eyes looking back and forth between his hand and the fish. Was he afraid of such a small creature?

Impatiently, Dazai pressed Chuuya's hand against the shark. He smirked as the redhead's eyes doubled in size with surprise. Then, they returned to normal, and a strange tranquility drifted through the air. Dazai wished time would freeze, so he could embrace the rare moment of calm, but time continued, uncaring. In an instance, the fish had swam away. Dazai released Chuuya's hand and started using his now-free hand to chase sharks around the tank. "Fun, right?"

Chuuya nodded lethargically. He hadn't moved his hand but instead left it to hang there for the occasional fish to brush against it.

“Chuuya! We’re doing it! We’re going to dive into the pool and vanish! Poof!” Dazai bounced in his seat as much as the large, black seatbelt would allow. His hands strangled the bars in front of his shoulders. His eyes ran up and down the track of Yokohama’s famous vanishing coaster. Meanwhile, his partner wasn’t focused on anything.

“Chuuya! Chuuya! Chuuya! This is it!” The car slowly crept up the first slope. After reaching the peak, the track turned and started to tilt slightly. “Chuuya! We’re tilting! You know what that means?”

Chuuya shook his head. He didn’t want to know what it meant either.

“It’s so the car can turn without losing speed! We’re picking up speed!” After a few more turns, several small drops and endless screaming, Dazai’s voice suddenly became shrill and his knuckles white. “CHUUYA! CHUUYA! IT’S COMING! IT’S COMING!!”

The coaster dived, and Dazai shrieked estatically as the pool grew larger and larger, and it seemed more likely they’d crash into the water. Of course, that was ignoring the clear path of the ride that lead directly into a dark hole in the middle of the pool. Dazai’s breath snagged in his throat, and they were submerged in darkness.

Inside the tunnel was a psychedelic blur. Rainbow lights streaked the walls as the car zoomed past them. It reminded Dazai of cliche, warp-speed movie effects and shooting stars. Make a wish. Dazai wondered if Chuuya was thinking something similar. He turned to his partner. In the racing lights, he thought he saw the hint of a smile. If only this could last a bit longer. Is that too selfish a wish? Then, blinding light. Was this what death was like?

Dazai let go of the air in his chest and screamed as the ride approached its final trick. The track twisted like a tornado, and the car sped down vivaciously until finally coming to a stop.

Dazai was smiling so widely he could have developed wrinkles from this one event. He clutched his stomach and doubled over with laughter the moment the seatbelts were lifted. Eyes squeezed shut, a tear slipped down his cheek.

“I want to get the part where we vanished on camera! Let’s ride it again, okay, Chuuya?”

Chuuya said nothing. In other words, he didn’t say no.

“Want to go shopping, Chuuya?” Dazai muttered something under his breath about better clothes. Chuuya didn’t respond. “No? Okay, let’s just take a walk then! If you see anything you want, let me know—ah! Of course, you’re paying! But tell me if you see something because I don’t want to accidentally leave you behind” strolling ahead, Dazai spun around “because you’re incompetent~!”

The sun was out to get Dazai. The longer he walked around the warehouse grounds, the more sweat accumulated under his bandages. Gross. Why do I need to go out with Chuuya anyway? Meanwhile, a slight breeze brushed against them, threatening to snatch Chuuya’s stupid hat away—Go ahead. Take the hat—and carrying a sweet scent. “Chuuya! Crepes! Let’s get crepes, okay?”

Holding his hat to his head, Chuuya trudged behind Dazai towards the crepe stand.

“Is chocolate okay?” Dazai asked, but it was a little too late to say no as Dazai was already holding one in Chuuya’s direction. Hesitantly, the redhead took it from Dazai’s bandaged hand. He slowly put the crepe to his lips and nibbled on it, completely aware that Dazai was watching him. Come on! Eat faster! It’s good! Aren’t you enjoying it? Dazai then glanced at the brown dessert in his own hand and frowned. He personally loved chocolate, but maybe it was just him. “Chocolate’s okay, right?”

Suddenly, Chuuya took a large bite. Then, another until he had devoured the whole thing. He swallowed the final bite forcefully to Dazai’s chagrin. Well, at least one of them could properly enjoy the sugary taste.

“Ah, man! I totally need to walk this off now!” Dazai patted his stomach clichely. Why did people do that? It only upset his stomach, not that his partner would ever find out. He kept grinning. Hitting the redhead on the back forcefully, Dazai pushed him along. “You too, Chuuya! Especially given the rate you inhaled that thing. Nobody’s metabolism works that fast!”

They wandered aimlessly around the first brick building, Dazai waving his hands dramatically as random nonsense spewed out of his mouth: animal mating habits, cheesy pick up lines, Freud, how Akutagawa’s hair came to be, the migration of the human species, and of course, suicide. They strolled around the second building, walking along the balcony.

“Chuuya, wanna ring these bells?” Dazai tiptoed up to the two small bells. His hand hovered over the string, controlling them.

“No.”

“Too bad!” Dazai tugged the string, yanking it every which way, and the bells sang. It might have been pretty except Dazai kept shaking the string. Consequently, it did not sound like an angelic choir, but instead a song that kept being rewound every two seconds. Down below, near the port, people glanced up. Some of them looked at each other grinning. Others pointed with a laugh or snapped a few pictures. Dazai didn’t understand what the deal was, so he ignored it.

Meanwhile, the sky had begun to dim, and the malevolent sun started to disappear behind the horizon. Dazai watched the golden shadow of the sun dance on the water until it had vanished almost entirely. The temperature had cooled, and small streams of oceanic breeze slipped through Dazai’s bandages and washed the sweat away. Standing in silence, Dazai’s thoughts were allowed to wander, much to his discomfort. Thankfully, he was saved by his growling hunger. “Say, Chuuya, are you hungry?”

“... a French restaurant?”

Dazai winked, “My treat!”

“Thanks.”

Dazai skipped to the receptionist, humming quietly. Chuuya will be blown away by my French! After all, I spent a couple hours studying last night. By studying, he meant google translate. (In the worst pronunciation possible) “Uh...excusez-moi, mademoiselle. Deux s’il vous plaît. Pour mon petit ami et moi.”

The woman’s face turned from a frown into a smile. “Ah, yes. Follow me.” She whispered to one of the waitresses before guiding them to a secluded table. “A waitress will arrive with the menus in just a moment.”

Why won’t she speak French?!

As promised, a waitress quickly arrived and handed them menus. Before leaving, she lit the candle in the center of the table and dimmed the lights. Dazai smirked, “fancy.”

A couple minutes later, the waitress returned. “May I take your order?”

“Oui. Uh… je vou...voudrais le bisque de crabe.”

“You can speak Japanese, monsieur.”

“Eh? But…”

“Please.”

Dazai sighed before covering it with a smile. “Crab bisque please!”

“And you, monsieur?” The waitress turned towards Chuuya who was for some reason really red in the face.

How rude! My french wasn’t that bad! Too preoccupied with his own weakly supported internal defense, Dazai completely missed what Chuuya ordered. Probably some obscure French food no one with taste has ever heard of nor likes. I bet he butchered the pronunciation too! He looked at Chuuya again who was still blushing furiously. “Something wrong, Chuuya?” Better not be my French.

“Yeah…” Chuuya shifted in his seat. He stared at his lap intensely.

“What is it?”

“‘Petit ami’ doesn’t mean what you think it means…”

Dazai grinned. He was going to have fun with this. “Now, now, Chuuya. I know the truth is hard to accept, but let’s face it: you’re short.”

Dazai expected his partner to strangle him or at least kick him under the table, but this new Chuuya was unpredictable. Instead, the redhead readjusted his position (again) and fingered with the knife on the table . “It… it means” He looked away entirely, no longer trying to be discreet about his embarrassment. “...boyfriend…”

“Eh?” Dazai blinked. “EH?!”

Chuuya fell silent, still facing away.

“Ch-Chuuya!” Dazai didn’t know where to look. Nowhere was safe. Everything mocked his mistake. And the lights, oh god, they thought… Dazai started to feel queasy. “W-Why didn’t you say something?!”

“I didn’t realize you were going to try and speak French.”

Dazai buried his burning face in his heads. “Oh god… this is terrible… Someone kill me… I’m ready to die…”

“Yeah...” Both of them just wanted the conversation to end.

“You don’t understand!” Dazai stood up abruptly, almost knocking over the table. “I need to use the restroom.”

Chuuya said nothing. He only sighed when Dazai was gone.

Meanwhile, Dazai rinsed his face over and over again, hoping to put out the fire behind his cheeks. How am I supposed to face him now? How am I supposed to lead the Mafia when I’m “dating” that hat rack? Dating? No. Out of the question. This misconception needs to die. Tonight.

He returned back to the table, and the two of them spent the remainder of their meal in silence. Neither could eat. “H-How about we take these to go...friend?”

Chuuya’s eyes, which judged Dazai, immediately returned to the floor when Dazai looked his way. “Yeah…”

Everything seemed to be going so well earlier; how did it end this way? Retiring to his apartment, Dazai dreaded the next day when Kouyou would find out what happened, and worse, when he would have to face Chuuya again.

#original content #my writing #Nakahara Chuuya #Dazai Osamu #Bungou Stray Dogs #Soukoku #Chuuya #Dazai

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tinkerence · 7 years

Text

North of Never Land Blogging

Tink, North of Never Land, here we finally go! I’m gonna sit down with this book, I’m gonna cherish her, I’m gonna give you all the juicy details...

The first line is “Last one to the meadow is a gooseberry!” said by Tinker Bell. “Terence, you don’t stand a chance.” She notices that Terence is way behind her so she starts flying backward and teases, “A one-winged moth could fly faster than you!” Terence grins and is about to reply.

Already this is reminding me of my fanfiction from when I was like 14 or 15, just how cute and comfortable can they get?

They’re interrupted by Tink’s near death as Twire drops a compass and Terence warns Tink to look out.

I just wanted to point out that if our fanbase doesn’t have a good “it was all a coma/dream” theory/AU yet then here’s a good place to start.

Twire decides to let Tink keep the compass and Terence leans in pretending to inspect it but he’s really just being close to Tink, because Terence likes Tink. Then there’s a whole paragraph about what he likes about her.

They take the compass to her workshop and Tink is about to work some fairy magic on it to shrink it so it can fit through the door, but when she closes her eyes she just starts thinking about how sweet Terence is and how his smile sparkles.

She opens her eyes and is looking at Terence and he smiles at her (the smile she just thought was nice) and she frowns and turns away and suddenly wishes he wasn’t there. Then she closes her eyes again to really focus this time.

Why is she like this? I have written an analysis post before :)

Long story short: she’s annoyed with herself for her feelings for Terence, rather than Terence himself

I think this is something Tinker Bell and The Lost Treasure messed up in their adaptation--the fact that they made Terence actually get underwing to Tink and constantly be annoying in the beginning of that film, it loses the purpose of that scene in the book as a reflection of Tink’s true feeling. Although I guess it doesn’t make sense for her to feel that way at the point in time the movies are set, and it DID give us “knock knickety knock” which is iconic.

When the compass shrinks, Terence pushes it into the workshop and then tries to stop it and knocks down a bowl which gets crushed in its path. He starts to apologize, but Tink explodes and tells him that he’s always in her way and to leave her alone.

The word “exploded” was used but I think it probably just meant that Tink got really angry and turned red.

“Terence drew back as if he’d been slapped. Without a word, he turned and flew away.” In contrast the movie where he gets angry back at Tink for her outburst and says “Fine! Last time I try to help you...”

I think the difference is in their relationship at those points in time. In the film, Terence has been “helping” Tink for almost a month and her blaming him for breaking the scepter when he was just trying to be a good friend (and when technically she broke the scepter by hip-checking the compass, as opposed to the book where it was Terence’s fault that the bowl was crushed) was just unfair.

Tink watches Terence leave and kinda hopes he’ll come back but he doesn’t. She thinks she might have been too harsh, and tries to convince herself that he actually is annoying, but her heart isn’t in it. She starts fixing the silver bowl, and “almost managed to forget all about Terence” which means she didn’t forget about him the entire time.

This is really sad--imagine being so self-destructive with your relationships because you’d had you heart broken before, and you instinctively push away people who get close to you to ensure that you don’t get hurt....but then everyone’s hurt anyway?

Terence is flying low, hardly paying attention to where he’s going, Tink’s words on repeat in his mind like a funny youtube video--he never knew Tink felt that way (because she never did feel that way and is lying to herself) despite having hung around her for years, and is really sad about it but vows to leave her alone from now on, like she asked.

Please treat your friends like kings and queens, kids

He actually gets physically weighed down by his sadness until he’s basically flying in a lake. Silvermist passes him, skating by on one foot and engages in some mind-reading to say he looks like he lost his best friend. Then she gets him some special lily pad shoes so he can run around on the water with her, and it cheers him up.

Silvermist has to be the one to talk Terence down in the book and movie because she’s so cool and sensitive. Imagine if she wasn’t there when he was throwing his back out throwing rocks or almost flying into a lake??

Tink finishes the fix and decides to pick a cherry, but on the way there she passes Minnow Lake and hears laughter, recognizing it as Terence’s. Again, she thinks she was a little mean that morning and decides to show that all is forgiven by smiling and waving, but Terence doesn’t wave back because of his vow to leave her alone. Tink says, and I quote, “I’m glad Terence found someone to play with, at least.” Then she flips her hair and flies away.

Someone is being passive aggressive here. Please tell me this mental image is as funny to you as it is to me.

The next morning, Terence tries to do his job but can’t stop thinking about her because everything he passes reminds him of her in some way--the cornflowers are the color of her eyes, and the buttercups are as gold as her hair. He does this for more than an hour before meeting Iridessa. They make fireworks together. (In a literal sense, but symbolically too if you ship them like I do.) Terence wishes Tink could see this.

Now Tink has fixed the compass and she looks around her workshop and starts feeling like something is missing--then she realizes that it’s Terence that’s missing and sets out to find him. He’s not at the fairy dust mill and she’s surprisingly disappointed. She finds him and Iridessa making fireworks and feels strangely left out.

None of us are surprised or find it strange that Tink feels this way, she’s only fooling herself.

In the courtyard after dinner, Tink looks for Terence because they usually sit together during stories. She gets impatient that she can’t find him because all the good seats would soon be taken. Over here, Terence sees Tink and wants to call her over but reminds himself that they aren’t friends anymore and lets Rosetta take the spot next to him instead.

They’re both such fools!! They both long to be in each other’s company and don’t realize that the other wants the same thing just as much so they keep themselves from experiencing happiness....for who’s sake?!

Rosetta notices Terence’s sad face and starts going on about how your face could get stuck like that, so she always smiles. Terence doesn’t care about how he looks, but Rosetta’s smile is so charming that he smiles back. At that instant, Tink sees them and her mouth falls open in shock. Terence didn’t save a spot for her, and he looks happy with Rosetta! How dare he?

Tink feels a lump in her stomach, “but before she could do anything” the story starts.

I just want to know what she would have done. Was she actually going to make a scene right then and there because Terence didn’t save her a seat? What does this line mean? What was she going to do?

Fawn sits next to Tink and smells like skunk, and Tor tells the story of the Pixie Dust Tree of ancient fairy times, one of Tink’s favorites, and how it was destroyed by some unspeakable evil force. “As brave as Tink was, she always found that part of the story hard to bear. Without thinking, she closed her eyes and reached out her hand to Terence. Her hand closed on nothing. Tink’s eyes opened. She’d forgotten. Terence wasn’t sitting next to her.”

God I wish Terence was sitting next to her.

If Tink and Terence usually sit together for stories, they’ve been friends for years, and Tink knows this story so well that she mouths some of the words along with the storyteller, yet she still needs comfort during the scary part, and she instinctively reaches for Terence (not just reaching for whoever’s with her, but specifically in her mind reaching for Terence and having forgotten that he wasn’t there)...can it not be assumed that in the past, Tink has consistently sought Terence’s comfort during stories, to the point of it being a habit/instinct?

R.I.P. your ship, Tinkerence is everything.

Fawn wants to go to the tearoom after the story and Tink says sure, but looks over at Terence and suggests inviting him and Rosetta too. Fawn says “Good idea. Rosetta hates to miss dessert” which is just, Fawnetta is another of my OTPs but that’s off-topic. Some music kicks up and Rosetta pulls Terence off to dance before they can reach them.

We can talk about OTP double dates another time, but imagine if they caught up in time? Well, I guess the rest of this book wouldn’t have happened.

Tink’s glow sputters as she watches Terence and Rosetta dance without sparing a glance her way. She starts thinking untrue things again in her anger, that she “didn’t want their company anyway!” and has “better things to do than watch two silly fairies dance.” Then she storms to her workshop, slams the door and kicks over a basket of rivets.

This is a normal, healthy reaction to watching your friend dance with someone, isn’t it?? No?? Uh-oh. Tink went full-on kill-Peter’s-Wendy-bird jealous.

She fumes that Terence keeps ignoring her and avoiding her, paces in the air and complains that he hasn’t been by to visit since.......oh. Then she understands why he’s leaving her alone and the anger goes out of her to be replaced by regret. She realizes, once more, that she hasn’t been very nice to Terence. She gets all slumpy and mopey about losing a friend. But then she stops being sad and has an idea instead.

“I’ll win back his friendship! I’ll show everyone what a good friend I am.” It doesn’t occur to her to just apologize, because she’s extra and immediately jumps to “bigger, flashier ways” to show she cares. “I’ll give him a present. Something rare and wonderful.”

Why is she like this? God love her.

She considers a gold doubloon or Never blooms, but knows that Terence doesn’t care about basic stuff like that, and wants to get him something juuust right for him. So she decides to get him the last pixie dust in the world (from Tor’s legend) and imagines his face when she gives it to him and how impressed he’ll be.

Why is she like this???

She decides to take a balloon carrier to the North side of Never Land and not tell anyone where she’s going, exactly like in the movie.

Lost Treasure has so much in common with this book that I delight in noticing every detail.

She gets lost or something and finds herself on a beach less than an hour from Pixie Hollow, so she flies “in circles of fury” which isn’t Tinkerence-related but I find hilarious.

“In a fit of rage, Tink hauled the compass out to sea and threw it in.”

I guess Tink likes skipping rocks too...

She loses her balloon carrier and worries what the queen would say, what Terence would think.

Because Terence’s opinion is on the same level as the queen’s to Tink, apparently. :)

Tink realizes the pixie dust cloud is just mist and legend so she beats herself up about being a failure and it’s really tragic, because if Terence knew she was saying that about herself he would have a heart attack.

Now that she has nothing to give Terence, Tink thinks he won’t want to be her friend, proving that she doesn’t know him but at all. She’s running low on dust and knows that she should hurry before she runs out and can’t get back to Pixie Hollow, “But Tink was in no hurry. What did she have to look forward to?”

So because she believes Terence won’t want her friendship back, there’s just nothing more to live for? Oh my god, girl, get it together. What the heck.

Tink helps Tootles out of a hole and he helps her out psychologically by giving her a simple feather and saying “It’s the best thing I’ve got. I hope you’ll take care of it.” Now she knows what she’s gotta do.

Tink goes to her workshop and is surprised to find Terence, Silvermist, Iridessa, Rosetta and Fawn outside her door. Terence had noticed that she was missing and formed a search party with their friends, then they settled down to wait for her return. They were all so worried and hug and fuss over her, but Terence hangs back.

They all fly off to get Tink some necessities, like water, and a dress, and soup, and a pillow. Terence tries to fly away too but Tink stops him and goes to get the bowl from earlier. She gives it to him and he starts complimenting the repair work and her talent, and hands it back but she tells him it’s for him.

She tells him it’s for being her friend, and he’s confused because he’s been trying not to be her friend, and she laughs. “Terence thought about how he loved her laugh. It sounded like little silver bells ringing.”

Just a cute lil snippet of love.

Tink explains that she only meant to leave her alone in the moment when she was angry, but has been searching for the perfect present for him, and “It was my first fix ever. I hope you’ll take good care of it.” He puts the bowl back on her shelf and says “I think it will be safe here. And I can come by to visit it.”

Let’s just talk about that?? Because okay, Tink repeating Tootles words about how she hopes the bowl, the best thing she has to give, he’ll take good care of. And the bowl represents her apology and friendship. So Terence giving it back and saying it’s safe with her and confirming that he’ll come visit...

This such a step up. This is such a big step in their relationship development and character development.

Tink was so afraid of getting hurt that she hurt herself in confusion, and Terence in the process, and by the end they’re offering their honest friendship/love to each other and expressing how safe they think it is with each other.

“Now, you look like you need something to eat. Shall we go to dinner?” Tink laughed. She was messy and covered in dust, but it didn’t matter. She took Terence’s hand. And together the two friends flew out into the evening.

MAJOR. Those are the last lines of the book. Them holding hands and flying out into the evening to go to dinner together. Iconic.

#commentary #analysis #i didnt even analyze anything like i meant to #what is my problem #im just commenting on every other line because TINKERENCE

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