#the goods do kinda outweigh the bads but it was still eh

[yume-fanfare]

are there actually hnw anime-only fans..................

[sinkableruby]

What are your thoughts on each Monogatari season?

ok this will end up long... (like really fucking long holy shit lol) im gonna go from first - monster season (which is the light novels), so only read up to where youve seen. mostly only vague discussion of spoilers but still. ill put the individual parts of each season too for reference, in the order i watched and try to go over them briefly since i feel like you cant talk about the whole of the seasons without touching on the parts

first (kizu, bake, nise, neko black) - the kizu movies are so good!!!!!! i like them more and more as time goes on theyre like a fine wine. captures the vibe of a sort of proto-monogatari monogatari very well. it might just b because i watched it in this order but this is honestly my recommended order to watch the series. idk maybe you lose something from not seeing how mysterious shinobu is in bake and then getting the big reveal. bake - nice and airtight. very cool and classic vibes here, very nostalgic. cool introductions to all these cool fun characters while also giving them arcs that are resolved except nadekos but yeah. and of course this one has the very unique art direction thats super cool nise - just had a post about this so go look at that if you want my thoughts. drops a big theme that keeps getting developed which is the kinda important thing u gotta be doing during a season called the "first season" lol neko black - ehhh i think this is one of the worst ones of the anime entries. its not bad. i like the op a lot overall extremely nostalgic and very high quality, especially with kizu and nise in my mind. a bit of a bump with neko black but a very strong start in general. the first season offers much room for the themes and characters to grow but also stands well on its own. so it does its job well. (also note im not gonna be talkin about like the ost too much here just bc. i love all of it so much. its exclusively good.)

second season (neko white, kabuki, otori, oni, koi, hana) - season full of bangers lets go! neko white is the wonderful resolution to the buildup of hanekawa's character we'd been getting since the first season. very good kabuki is interesting... but definitely not the strongest entry here otorimonogatari is what originally hooked me once and for all on the series, for reasons ive explained before so i wont get into that too much here. but god do i love it to death. whew its good oni could hit much harder than it does but it doesnt. rip. still not what id call bad but eh koi is fuckin awesome. kaiki and nadeko... i'd talk more at length about certain parts i like but im writing this backwards from the later seasons to the earlier ones and i talked way too much about the later ones so im trying to conserve space here. i might talk about it more later or if someone asks me abt it hana i have talked about a bit before too but i love hana hanas great. so then all in all it's like 4 bangers. a great development of the characters we know and love and one that is so well written and just done in the best ways... i loved where this season took everyone. i think the non chronological stuff can be a hit or miss for ppl but i honestly really like it, especially on rewatches. when you think about it the order never feels pointless. even tho hana is chronologically after all the other anime arcs its still not at all something i would say you should watch after zoku lmao. the season does well as a continuation and development but not a conclusion to the series, and thus spendidly fits the role of "second" season.

final season (tsuki, owari part 1, koyomi, owari ge, zoku) - there are ups and downs to this season, but the ups far, FAR outweigh the downs. owari part one... its really good. i think shinobu mail (thats what its called right?) is like kind of slow at first, and i definitely wasnt SUPER invested in it on my first watch, but i think on a rewatch after you get past the first like episode or two it really starts to pick up and shine. that is not why i like it though ougi formula to sodachi lost is incredibly fucking good all the way through, some of the strongest entries in the series by far. i might do like a ranking of each part sometimes and those are definitely going in s tier when i do (even nisioisin said his favorite anime part was ougi formula in an interview although that might just be because he loves mysteries lol). hooooghhh those three arcs,, sodachis story is revealed and developed very wonderfully and impactfully and you kinda love her right from her return to the school where she screams at araragi. and of course, of COURSE ougi is the absolute goat in these arcs, revealing the mystery in the engaging and entertaining way she tends to while also being an incredible point of intrigue herself in her whole enigmatic shtick. and of course, if you know you know, but that doesnt make it any less enjoyable on rewatches ougi is just that entertaining of a character. not to mention her showdown with hanekawa... its so entertaining to see these two battle so passive aggressively or just plain aggressively. and the way it ends up is not surprising but it IS hilarious. and then the convo with sodachi in her apartment... heartwrenching, incredible. all of its very very good. probably some of the most fun ive had watching anime, these three arcs grab you and youre just along for the ride the whole time. i'd love to talk about it more in depth some other time probably FUCK that was just owari part one too koyomi we can go through quickly though. its just like a sorta reminder of where each character started and ended up, as well as giving a few details to set up owari ge. nothing special or bad. i love the ED tho oh fuck are you gonna make me scream about owari ge... this post is already way too long fuck... uhh basically mayoi hell + hitagi rendevous are great in and of themselves and are also wonderful buildups to ougi dark and the conclusion of the series. its so fun how it sneaks up on you that yes, ougi is the main antagonist (at least from second season - final). ougi dark................. ougi dark..... ougi dark. yeah ill save this for a different post. um, one billion out of ten? i literally think about it every day thats not a joke so i dont think i can talk about it here without running out of space (do posts have word limits?? whatever its too long already anyway) overall a very tight and absolutely wonderful conclusion to the series. in my mind this is like the "actual ending" and the light novels and other stuff that comes after is like bonus epilogue stuff (not that its not canon its just that ougi dark is too solid of an ending. its TOO good do you understand)

and now time for the light novels

off season - i think in general this season is pretty strong. i was pretty invested in how it was really taking the time to give characters other than araragi the focus, at least until musubi. but even in musubi its sort of like a "where are they now?" so we get lots of details about all the characters. although i think in musubi its a little hard to read bc we also get all these new characters that we dont necessarily care about (esp since its very much like a one-off thing), but i dont mind it that much because thats not what i like it for... the cool part is seeing the characters we love and where theyve ended up and where theyre going. like the part in (i think) mitome wolf? where hanekawa and araragi have drifted super far apart... wonderfully bittersweet. and i have a separate post about this but seeing ougi free and unable to be bothered in their new life? chefs kiss wonderful love it. so i think even though musubi breaks the format of taking a break from araragi, its still good enough to not bring down off season really. and on that note i honestly wish monster season would be more like off season. i dont really want to see stinky araragi's pov anymore! i think he should take way more of a backseat and instead make more guest appearances in other people's stories, like he did at the end of hanamonogatari. not that i dont like him (its a hate love relationship) but i think honestly hes really interesting in hana where we see kanbaru's view of him instead of his view of everyone else as usual. i love so much how the monogatari series Feels Different in different people's perspectives so i want to switch it up more!! of course he is the main character so i dont think this will happen but like. i'd much rather get kanbaru's misadventures with ougi than araragi's college misadventures. and of course i cant talk about off season without talking about nademonogatari. nademonogatari is SO FUCKING GOOD holy shit... i think i speak for a lot of people when i say nadeko is by far the strongest narrator in the series due to her arc's progression and her character development-- and even before it too, cuz otorimonogatari's narration was also really unique and engaging. it helps that she's my second fav but i think nademonogatari is generally well liked? and for very good reason. which is also why...

monster season - haven't finished these season still have to read ougi fright/flight and the next installment but yeah i feel a lil disappointed in this season because again... too much araragi. get this dirty stinky man outta my face. again i love and hate the guy but cmon let's be real... his peak was in owari ge and zoku and at the end of hana. i really dont feel the need to see more of him. of course the stories themselves are interesting and i like nisioisin's writing but i just find the stuff thats not narrated by him such a breath of fresh air... i really want to see more nadeko and kanbaru narration. i hope nisioisin, if he keeps on trucking through the series, will start putting more real focus on these two. or even like. just anyone else. give us ononoki again give us sodachi again. i want to see the other characters journeys!!!! we keep getting small little nadeko chapters like with mayoi snake and yotsugi shadow and like... those were awesome i loved those! more of that but longer please nisioisin!!! i feel like raising up kanbaru or nadeko more to the status of "mains" would be honestly really refreshing and a much better, less like.... stagnating? direction to take the series in ummmmm also nisioisin isnt writing about ougi enough ://// like... hellooo? ougi pov chapter when?? itd be the most fun thing ever nisioisin???? hello??????? hes so insistent on not writing them i swear he wants to relegate them to a side character spooky appearance every once in a while and thats cool but like im starving here dude cmon... even in the book named after them they dont get a pov chapter and only appear as a side character.... wtf........................... like thats so fucked up.................................................. especially since the parts where they acc were there were rly good :( but basically araragi stinky i want to cleanse my nose palette please PLEASE nisioisin throw him in the trash for a long while longer im begging you it'd be so much more interesting if you just let him become a side character his days in the sun should be OVER

[hockeyboysiguess]

Honey

a/n: what else can you do when you’ve had a bad day? not entirely super innocent content below

You could feel music vibrating the floor in the bar. The light were flashing, making your eyes strain a little. You’d gone straight from staring at your computer screen where you’d been forced to sit for over twelve hours today to get through the extra report your boss had thrown on your desk at ten this morning with a deadline of before tomorrow, to a trashy Dallas bar. Definitely wasn’t your smartest decision, but it was also definitely not your worst one. However, your need for a drink and outweighed any desire to not wear your work clothes to the bar.

“How strong of a drink can you make me?” were the first words to leave your mouth when you finally got a bartender’s attention.

“Depends on how bad of a day you’ve had,” he joked with you. “Scale of one to ten?”

“Somewhere in the definitely needs a double verging on a triple depending on how loose you are with your pours range,” you countered, making him laugh. “Vodka soda with lime, please.”

“Put it on my tab, Rick.”

You rolled your eyes in at the poorly veiled demand for your attention and spun on your stool to face the man to your right who had cut in on your conversation. You paused instead of launching immediately into your well rehearsed speech explaining that you were a professional woman who could and would buy her own drinks. He was objectively the hottest guy that had ever cut in and tried to buy you a drink. The tattoos running down both arms, the dark scruff covering his still defined jawline, his dark, curly hair peaking out from under the edges of the hat sat backwards on his head; objectively attractive, but a concept you did not have the energy for today.

“Hey, I appreciate the offer-”

“It’s just one drink,” he cut you off. “Only cost is knowing your name.”

“Except I don’t actually need you to buy me a drink at all. It’s eight dollars and I think I can handle the financial burden.” You put your card down in front of the bartender as he set your drink down. “I’ll start my own tab, please.”

“You got it,” he told with with a soft smile.

The stranger smiled, his soft laughter showing in his face. His shoulders shifted down as he sighed and reached for his beer. The muscles in his arm tensed as he reached forward and your mind briefly wandered, but you pulled yourself back in with a sip from your drink that was arguably more vodka that soda. It burned going down your throat, but it’s what you needed after the day you’d had.

“Take two,” he said as he geared up to trying again with you. You rolled your eyes, but he continued anyway, “I’m Tyler. You are?”

“Somehow less interested now then I was when you asked me a minute ago,” you replied, annoyance costing each syllable as it left your mouth. “Thanks for the compliment of trying to pay for my drink, I guess it’s a compliment, but I’m really not interested tonight. I’ve had the worst day, I’m exhausted, I’ve worked for over twelve hours today, I just got dumped, and your whole thing just isn’t gonna improve my situation.”

“My whole thing?” His eyebrows raised as a small smile played at the corners of his mouth. He took a sip of his beer before continuing, “What’s my whole thing?”

You rolled your eyes and just gestured in his general direction with your free hand, “You know, you.”

“What about me?” Tyler said playfully.

“Your entire vibe,” you elaborated. “Tattoos, backwards hat, beard, slidding in and putting a girl’s drink on your tab. It’s a whole vibe and I’m not exactly on your wavelength this evening, dude.”

You paused for a second as Tyler tried to keep it together and lost. He bust out laughing. His laugh broke the image of him for a second. It was light and bright and immediately brought you along with him, making you bend over the bar in laughter at yourself.

“Okay, okay,” you managed to get out as you tried to contain your laughter. “That was really stupid and I’m sorry.”

Tyler nodded and followed it up with the comment you’d walked right into, “If you tell me your name, I’ll strike it from the record and we can move forward with our relationship as two people alone at a bar on a Friday night.”

You took a sip of your drink before telling him your name. He mused it under his breath a few times, making sure he had it right and committed to memory before trying to actually strike up a conversation with you.

“If it helps at all, I kinda got my ass handed to me at work today so I feel you,” Tyler told you.

“Oh? Pray tell. Did you annoy your boss to no end to try to get what you want?” you joked back, making him laugh.

“He thought was wasn’t giving it my all or something, thought I was half-assing it, which is fucking ridiculous.” He lifted the hat off his head to run a hand anrgrily through his hair, the curls separating between his fingers. Your mind wandered despite your best efforts not to do so, imagining what it would feel like to have your hands in his hair. “But, can’t control what they think. Guess I just have to hit harder or something, I don’t know.”

“Who are you hitting at work?” You asked with an eyebrow. “I mean, not to brag or anything but I once threw a stress ball at just the perfect angle in a fit of rage at work that I bounced off my cubicle wall, bounced off the stock photo on the wall, then hit my boss square in the nose. She ate shit because it scared her so much, but she could never figure out who it is. That’s my only work violence story though, so not sure you should bring hitting people as a constant thing into your office.”

Tyler had started laughing ten words into your story. Apparently the idea that your arms could throw anything with that amount of force to deliver a kill shot like that was hilarious to him. You might not have been sure about everything else about Tyler, but you definitely liked his laugh.

“I play hockey, actually,” he informed you. “Hitting people is pretty much in the job description, even though I don’t actually do it that often. I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

“Just what any woman you’re trying to get in bed wants to hear. That you’re soft and lack passion.”

Tyler raised an eyebrow at you his mouth parted in shock as a smile pulled up the corners of his mouth and his tongue darted out to wet his lower lip. You shrugged and took a sip of your drink to try and hide the proud smile forming on your face. You’d shocked him, which has been the goal, but he shocked you next.

Before you could fully notice, his lips were grazing across your ear, his hot breath dancing across your skin, pulling you right into him. You hadn’t even noticed him get up from his seat, but now you were wrapped up in him. His cologne drowned out the scents from the bar. He was much taller than you thought he’d be, dwarfing you and blocking out everyone else at the bar.

“Oh, honey,” the word left his lips in a way that made them cut straight through you, “me lacking anything should be the least of your worries tonight.”

His hand moved to rest on the small of your back. Until you felt it on you, you hadn’t realized how large his hands were and your mind continued down the path, wondering how his hands would feel everywhere else too. You subconsciously leaned into him and he obliged, adjusting to let you in closer. You swallowed hard, finding the courage in you to take the situation back under your control.

You briefly remembered how you felt when you’d got here tonight. You’d been done with everyone and everything in the world, wanting only to distract yourself with what was in the bottom of your glass. Tyler was definitely doing a much better job of distracting you than the vodka had been doing, so why not see how good of a job he could do. You shifted up on you seat, bringing you lips to his ear.

“I guess you’re just going to have to prove me wrong,”

You watched a shudder come over his shoulders. Tyler was as turned on as you right now and you were pretty sure you were in for a good night. He leaned back from you to upend his beer against his mouth, knocking the rest of its contents down his throat.

“So I guess I’ll be calling a car then?” Tyler mumbled, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

“I actually drove,” you cut him off, “so if you want to finish my drink and tell me where we’re going, then we can just head out.”

“A woman who knows what she wants, how she wants it, when she wants it,” he chuckled and he grabbed your drink. “It’s sexy as hell.”

He downed your drink, wincing a little at the amount of vodka sitting at the bottom as you caught the bartender’s attention to close your tab. Tyler motioned for his too as he set the now empty glass on the bar.

“It’s eight fucking dollars,” he grumbled under his breath. “Still won’t let me pay, eh?”

“Nope,” you said, popping the ‘p’ as you signed off on the receipt. “I guess you’ll have to figure out another way to pay me back?”

“Oh, I’ve got a few things in mind. At least three of them mean you’ve got to be pretty flexible and one definitely involves getting a bit sticky. Depends on what you’re in the mood for.”

His voice was like honey. It coated you as he spoke, hanging heavy on every part on you, the sweet taste of it drawing you in for more. You had made it to your car parked around the corner, but that was the most you could take not knowing what it felt like to touch him. You grabbed the collar of his t-shirt and yanked him down so his mouth met yours. He instantly responded. One of his hands cupped your face and the other found your waist. He guided you back against the nearest wall as he nipped and sucked at your mouth and tongue, threatening to draw sounds you would have preferred not to make in public. His hands started traveling over your body, gripping your hips, ghosting over your stomach, giving your ass a squeeze for a moment. The contrast of your back against the cool wall and his warm plans was making you fall deeper and deeper into the moment, into him. He was all you could feel.

“Fuck,” escaped his lips when you broke away from his mouth to kiss his neck. He sucked in a quick breath through his teeth as you tortured a particularly sensitive spot you’d already found.

You were proud of yourself. As much as you were becomg a mess, you were dragging him down with you. He was falling apart under your mouth until one of his hands suddenly pressed firmly against your hot core over your jeans. On instinct, you ground down against his hand as a moan escaped your lips. Your head fell back against the wall as you got your first real taste of what was to come.

“Fuck,” was now apparently all Tyler could say as his lips found your neck and the heel of his hand pushed hard against your jeans to give you some friction “God, I need to get you in my bed, right fucking now.”

“Then let’s get out of here,” you said breathlessly. “We’ve got a whole night ahead of us, right?”

“Honey, you have no idea what you’re doing to me right now,” he mumbled against your throat, his hot breath fanning out across your skin.

“I’ve actually got a pretty good idea,” you replied as you copied him, palming his obvious hard on through his jeans. He sucked a quick breath in through his teeth again and cursed, nipping at the soft skin of your neck in response. “So, you still going to take me home here, Tyler? Or are you about to lose it here in the street?”

“Get in the car and fucking drive, woman,” he managed to get out as he finally pulled back from you.

You laughed as you unlocked your car. Tyler was in and buckled up before you had even managed to get your door open. He was antsy. His feet were bouncing up and down on the floor. He shifted in his seat, trying to figure out if there was a more comfortable position for him with his current situation. You tossed him your phone unlocked so he could put his address into the GPS.

“So, remember how you said you had three ideas if I was flexible and one if I was okay with things getting a little stick?” you recalled to Tyler as you pulled away from the curb. “What if I told you I was four teaching hours away from getting my yoga teaching certificate and didn’t mind getting sticky as long as there’s a hot shower in it for me after?”

Tyler audibly groaned and shifted again in the passenger seat. You smirked to yourself, satisfied you’d gotten another rise out of him.

“Oh, honey, you have no idea what you just signed yourself up for, but god is it gonna bea fun night. Can you drive any faster?”

[chatmiya]

so time to give my thoughts on the final episode so here goes. spoilers ahead so read at your own risk.

despite getting spoiled for what was going to happen in the episode i was still able to enjoy it. the music direction for the episode was really well done in my opinion. i have critiques to place on the episode but there were good points to balance it out so let’s get on with that.

a huge thing i think was kinda stupid was the whole fact that kiriko’s character was pretty much a big ass red herring and she didn’t even get to do anything this episode. she got a warrant to search adam’s home or whatnot, but then got a transfer to tokyo so she can’t touch adam bc surprise, surprise her boss or whatnot did that as a repayment to adam for ratting out the one guy in the previous episodes. idk. like she deserved better or whatnot. oh well.

despite the fact i still dislike adam the way they handled him finding fun in skating again and realising “oh shit i’m not alone and friends are important” was kinda nicely done. though i still think the fact he didn’t console over the fact he’s injured a fuck ton of people over skating is dumb. also his suit was ugly as fuck. but the man is gaudy so i guess it fits him, but still. ugly suit, ugly mask, nice new board tho. liked the kinda symbolism he was going for there.

i knew that this series was going to have reki and langa race at some point and that point was at the very end of the episode and we don’t see the results but i’m ok with that. kinda just showing them going about and whatnot.

i feel sorry as fuck for shadow. the man was all dressed up with a bouquet of flowers for the woman he was in love with only to find out she has a man in her life. poor guy. honestly though? he deserves better. he’s crass as fuck when it comes to his skating persona but he deserves a woman that will love and cherish him bc he’s honestly a really fucking good guy.

the bit at the end with miya walking past his former friend and i’m gonna assume he either congratulated miya in passing or said smth nice to him so miya ended up actually looking really happy and i like that fact. maybe the two can reconcile and be friends again. but like that guy and all the others need to really fucking apologise to miya bc they put words in miya’s mouth and just ditched him and treated him like shit, pretending they don’t know him at school and shit. like come on now. really? but eh, if miya’s happy that’s what matters most to me. i care most about his character if it wasn’t obvious given the fact i write him. he’s the most important character in this show to me.

anyways tadashi’s a fucking m. like the fact he got happy being called adam’s dog forever it’s just???? really??? like glad you’re happy to work for your friend but also like who likes being called a dog? not a criticism on the show, just of the character.

anyways back to talking about the episode. rewind to earlier in the episode when adam takes langa to “the zone” and fucking makes langa not feel anything legitimately reminded me of uta no prince-sama episode 9 season 4 where eiichi otori broke otoya ittoki and that made me hella uncomfy but like that’s just a personal thing. hated that. bad anime, bad.

i liked the little scene with langa seeing his dad and his dad going “you having fun, son?” and langa replying “yes i am dad” was cute. really touching. glad we got to see that.

also when adam and langa both wiped out and miya was about to run off to wherever tf langa and adam were but reki stopped him and said langa was gonna get up. like the trust reki has in langa is nice. love their bond.

also the hug at the end of the race was cute. someone on my twitter feed compared it to the kiss from yoi and honestly??? kinda similar vibes not gonna lie.

all in all it’s a good episode. some flaws bc lbr nothing is perfect. there are things i dislike and things i like but i feel the good outweighed the bad. i’d probably give this episode a 7 out of 10. it was a good conclusion to the series. honestly??? i don’t want any more from this anime. if anything just a movie. it ended very well and concluded the plot points very well for the most part so i’m content with just 12 (13 if you count the recap ep) episodes.

justice for shadow 2k21

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

Good Riddance 2020 🎢 and HAPPY NEW YEAR! 🎉

A rollercoaster of a day to end off a rollercoaster of a year. 

What even was 2020? Just thinking back to exactly a year ago, being so excited about the new decade, the “roaring” 20s. But I guess none of us expected what would have hit us. 

Every time I think back to last year’s New Year’s Eve, walking with my neighbour to watch the fireworks, talking about the different guys we’ve met and all. It’s kinda funny it’s kinda the opposite this year. Last year was just meeting different guys, never really interested in a single one; and this year, finally interested in one, but then still meeting different (strange) guys. 

But well, I gotta say, I’m so hella proud of how far I’ve come from who I was. I used to hold back a lot and be so afraid and anxious around the guy I like (I guess the anxiety is still there at times), but the number of times I’ve tried to put myself out there this year, just wow. I gotta applaud myself. Going from not knowing his name to actually asking him to ask me out, getting his number (and name), planning a date/dates (which ultimately failed cos covid), eventually me asking him out and going for drinks, to well... I’m not even sure what we are. 

I’d actually thought things were getting better a few weeks ago, but then a couple selfies later, wellllll... not sure if he got freaked out that he over-flirted maybe, or maybe he wasn’t expecting me to flirt back like this. (Again, still fucking amazed, even my friends are surprised too). But things have been up and down, on and off, push and pull, for pretty much almost the entire time we’ve been talking. Yes, building relationships is tough and there’s gonna be lots of stuff you’ve gotta go through, but also... this? Well. 

Even till today, still not entirely sure what’s even going on. It’s like he’s trying, but barely. Really, the possibility of being breadcrumbed is so high. But anyhoo, like my friend, or friends, I suppose, have been saying... maybe it’s time to take a step back. Breathe. Give yourself some space to think. And honestly I think I procrastinated a little too long for this that now I’m more confused than ever. Sure, talking to friends help, but I still can’t possibly ramble every single thought I have either. 

Also speaking of procrastination... finally got to present my friend her bday video! So glad that I pushed myself to continue it even though I wasn’t entirely in the mood. I had actually wanted to give her this last year, but I guess something got in the way then too. 

But anyway, I digress. So yes, taking breaks. 

We’ve been on on-off breaks, or maybe they’re just time for us to take a step back and refocus on ourselves, just that I let my insecurities and anxiety kick in. Sigh... I guess also it’s cause I’m kinda having expectations too, and well, feelings.

I mean, it’s totally normal not to speak all the time anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much. But then again, sometimes he does disappear mid-convo too. Anyhoo... maybe I just fell for the good parts in him, wanting to see and believe the softie behind the tough exterior, which I do still believe, but I think now I’m not sure how much to trust my gut/heart. Maybe I’m just still seeing through my rose tinted glasses. 

Maybe it’s the hopeless romantic in me. This tough guy who can be so sweet and caring. Despite small talks, it’s still sweet and thoughtful. And sometimes it seems like he can see right through me - noticing when I’m on my better moods, sensing I’m on my period, and knowing that I’m sorta an overthinker. 

I’m not sure how much of all of these were real. I really truly wanna believe the best and all, and that maybe I was the one who fucked it up so bad that it can’t be fixed. But there’s also some stuff that I can’t just keep brushing off either. It’s just a little too inconsistent. Maybe that’s also on me because I still don’t really know what I want. Not just in love, but in life too. I guess that’s something I’ve gotta try to figure out better next year. 

So yep, this year was definitely lots of lessons learnt. In love, in work, in life. 

As I was saying, I’m still not very good at taking breaks, especially for myself, but I’m learning to do so more, especially nowadays for work. Learning to mute the office chats, not to check my emails, only reply to really urgent matters. Learning to stand up more for myself, not to take up so much responsibility because I feel bad for someone else or for whatever reason that in turn causes me to be overwhelmed and unable to cope. Learning to know who to trust (honestly, still not entirely sure) and to let out your feelings instead of keeping them bottled up, and also maybe being able to help someone else as you guys can count on each other to rant. 

Speaking of mental health, finally seeking help again too. Reconnecting with my counsellor, starting to see other professionals too, just to talk about stuff - mainly work and I guess, the love life. I’m kinda excited that I might get to go back to see her again, cause I think our chats have been quite helpful. Also all the refresher on mindfulness techniques and stuff, especially stuff to help with my anxiety breathing. Gah, y’know how annoying it is especially with masks on now? Don’t even get me started on crying while wearing masks. 

Sometimes it does feel like the bad outweighs the good. But nah, this year has also been pretty good. Things with the fam ain’t too bad, made a couple new friends (also started using dating apps), reconnected with old ones, finally getting to start Friends and even rewatching it too. I mean, even with that whole ass rollercoaster ride with him and all that, I don’t think I’ve too much regrets about it. 

So, yep. A rollercoaster of a year. Great beginnings but also, complications all around. But I guess, that’s just what it is. Life. 

And now, another chapter is coming to a close. I think we (by that I mean internet people idk) made a pact not to expect too much from the new year, cos look what happened last time. But I mean, let’s face it, the bar has been set kinda low, eh?

But well, it’s a new year arriving so I shall not be too negative about it. I’m actually pretty excited. To new beginnings, growth, peace, love and happiness. To more self-love, self-care. And to a fucking new chapter! Cheers! 

X

[morethanonepage]

thoughts on Keanu Reeves Constantine?

y’know this is an interesting question bc i actually have a lot of….if not affection for the movie, at least respect for some of the adaptation choices made. Like the most common line in re: film!Constantine is that it’s a good movie but it’s not a good Hellblazer movie and in a sense that’s right, it’s not – but it’s interesting. A noble failure, definitely.

What I think it hinges on is that it’s an American setting so they went full blown American with it – which is a mistake in my mind bc the point of Hellblazer is that it’s a quintessentially English story, and that’s why every run with an American writer in the comics is meh for me – but in the sense of “American AU Constantine” I think there were some really interesting/clever choices made.

Like starting with their John – Keanu is all wrong for original brand Constantine. His John is broody, he’s brunet, he’s Good At Magic. And comics!John is the opposite of all those things. And while comics!John can be broody, the important thing is the comics themselves tend to undercut that – there’s a lot of kind of snarky takes about John being in a sulk for whatever reason, some of it even from John himself. You get very little of that in the movie, and the movie itself is very TAKE THIS MAN’S PAIN SERIOUSLY about it, so. BUT in a sense that loner self flagellating thing is an American Male Archetype the way comic John has a very English & self deprecating sense of humor, so: ok, I can kinda see it, more as a translation (to American audiences) than an adaptation. 

[READ MORE BC OMG WHY DID I CARE SO MUCH???]

They make John Catholic in the movie, which is another kind of interesting choice – in the comics he’s not anything specifically though I would imagine he would’ve been raised Church of England as likely as anything else. But they kind of commit to John’s Catholicism in the movie, most likely because it has more ~mysticism~ (and the association with exorcism in general) behind it. But it also kind of sets John up as An Other, because it’s the religion of a lot of the second class immigrants (like, the Irish initially, then Latinx Americans, etc). White Catholics have a bit of a different rep, but given that the film is set in LA in the late 20th century, for me it set up more of those associations than anything else. It’s also so much more about the SUFFERING and the MARTYRDOM and the REDEMPTION NARRATIVE, which is not so much a thing in the comics (where John often does/tries to do good things but usually NOT for the explicit purpose of ~cleansing his soul~, so it’s kind of notable/interesting that both American-based adaptations [TV and Movie] focus on that a lot more. It’s may also make more sense as an arc for the medium but y’know) but IS notably a big thing in the movie. 

And the thing about John, even in the comics, is that he’s an Other but Normal Passing – with comics he presents in a very Proper English Man (which is why it’s SO IMPORTANT for me that he starts off on his adventures with his shirt properly done up and his tie right, and then as the day/his bullshit unfurls he gets sloppier) way, he’s white, he’s blond, he’s handsome etc, but he’s also a bisexual mess/working class disaster mage with a progressive bent, and in the movie he’s kind of a traditional American anti hero but also has his own stuff going on. It’s not as well executed as it could be – there’s not a lot of subversion in the film version, which is kind of the point of John – but at least you get hints of his potential sexuality and they go into his mental health issues (suicide attempt, etc) and his smoking, etc. 

So John is an interesting translation – not perfect, but interesting. I would even argue that he’s the weakest point in the movie as a translation-not-adaptation (tho lol baby bear Chas Kramer is up there), bc he’s very basic supernatural protagonist with no flourish. Which is not the case for the rest of the film, which COMMITS to the genre it is and does it honestly very well.

For instance I love their conception of Ravenscar, the mental hospital John has A Bad History with – in the comics it’s got an old, spooky, mad house aesthetic from the 19th century, which fits the comics and John’s history and vibe really well. The movie version goes what I feel is a very modern American direction with it: one of the 20th century industrial monsters, a huge grey building, with the fear of mental health coming from that very specific post-war fear of anything ABNORMAL (including sexuality but y’know). 

The setting of LA is great – a couple of (American) comic writers have given John’s arcs there, probably for the irony of CITY OF ANGELS etc, but I think it’s a really interesting choice/contrast to everything London (where John’s mostly based in comics, tho he does sometimes roam the countryside fucking things up) represents: superficial, modern, bright days, beauty, opulence vs the grey gritty grunginess of John’s London life, etc. So for that to be movie!John’s homebase is kinda neat, frankly, esp because of the cases John gets to work on there. The set design is also great – very colorful, very willing to pull in the florescent glare of a modern city, with the Latinx Catholic touches on the streets (look the votive candles and shrines are SUCH an easy go to for ~creepy urban flavor~ and it’s probably at least a little problematic for this film featuring some other really questionable racial choices I will get to later, but) in general it LOOKS great. Their conception of hell is also fascinating and very well executed imo. 

I also think there’s ONE (1) thing I think the movie does better than the tv show: the setting is WAY more dug into the working class/legit poverty of LA behind the shiny surface Hollywood stuff. The show really only hit that point in the New Orleans ep and even then….didn’t fully commit to it, but it’s SUCH a key part of the comic universe. Like Chas himself (in the show) is pitch perfect but in the ep about his family they’re LIVING IN A BROOKLYN BROWNSTONE which, real talk, is worth millions of dollars. Literally millions. On a cab driver’s salary???? Ridic. Still mad about it w/e w/e. Baby Bear Chas Kramer with his shitty cab and probably shitty apartment, following John around like a stunned duckling, is way more comics canon accurate, probably. 

Rachel Weiz’s character has a lot of potential – they make her Catholic too, to have some sort of connection with John, which is eh, and they also make her a twin, whose sister kills herself at Ravenscar. Given how much John’s early backstory issue are focused around HIM being a twin (whose birth killed both his mother and his (theoretically stronger) brother) that could’ve been a cool thing to allude to, but they don’t touch on it. And Angela (ANOTHER ANGEL THING) is p cool as a character – she’s unconvinced about the ~spooky shit~ stuff until she sees evidence of it, and then believes it, as a normal average human likely would. She’s brave, she asks questions, etc. She’s not just Love Interest tho there’s a bit of that. And anyway I love Rachel Weiz generally, she’s great, could’ve had more to do though.

Tilda Swinton shows up a lot in the gifs and it was a cool choice to cast her as Gabriel – they play up the androgyny and make her less obvious of a dick than comics Gabriel is (though she ends up being…probably more of one, or at least more effective). I think their Lucifer is good too – oily and weird and creepily gentle at times. He also doesn’t get a lot to do, but he doesn’t need to – he doesn’t in the comics, usually, either. 

BUT the racial stuff – the supernatural macguffin that’s supposed to bring about the end of the world is found IN A MEXICAN DESERT and then SMUGGLED OVER THE BORDER to LA to bring about the end of the world, like, who wrote this, Donald J. Trump?? – is generally #bad. But this is something it shares with the show (GOD THOSE MEXICO EPS, I LEGIT ALMOST QUIT THE SHOW BC OF IT), tho at least they had an actual Mexican actress to temper that nonsense. NO SUCH LUCK from the movie – just lots of creepy zombish brown people trying to bring around an apocalypse, super cool.

And not only is meh as a metaphor, to impute such a conservative metaphor into a the Hellblazer Verse, with its infamous/classic DEMON YUPPIES FROM HELL and in general tips toward the progressive/pro immigrant ethos, is BAFFLING to me. I mean maybe more in tune with American sentiments about everything, which I have argued above is an interesting choice, but still, boooo.

Also the fact that John quits smoking at the end of the movie is such Hollywood garbage it almost outweighs the positives. I mostly imagine he and Angela date for like a month, he’s such a bitch when going through withdrawal that she dumps his ass, and then he goes back to smoking/sulking around LA doing bad exorcisms. That’s the real John Constantine, babey!!!

[lickstynine]

Street Rats Part 1

this is the first chunk of a collab I did with @feelingsick, featuring young! Bel and Kazu. I really love this pairing, so I hope y’all do, too!

The strip club was fairly quiet, maybe because it was late on a weeknight, or maybe because the nudity economy was in a bad place. There was still music playing, of course, seeing as it’d be real damn awkward without it, but it was still quite audible when the creaky door flew open, smacking into the wall as a lanky young man stumbled into the venue. He was a little banged up, with bruises and bandages visible on his face and hands, but he seemed in high spirits nonetheless.

Scanning the stage with curious, lustful eyes, his pale blue gaze zeroed in on a lithe figure whose purple hair flowed sensually as they danced. Dropping into a chair near the dancer, he grinned slyly, clearly thinking himself to be quite clever as he asked, “Ey, sexy, you come ‘ere often?”

The dancer turned slowly, grinning over his shoulder. If he was startled by Kazu’s roughed-up appearance, he did a good job of not letting it show. He moved towards the edge of the stage, bending down in front of where Kazu sat.

“See something you like?” he asked.

“Yea, you.” Kazu smirked. “Y’ gotta nice ass, an' ya know how to move it. I don't see a lotta white boys that can actually dance.”

He brushed a loose lock of hair out of his face, stretching out his long legs to get comfortable in the shitty strip club chair. As thin as he was tall, his build was almost reminiscent of Jack Skellington. The battered jeans hanging about his legs were loose in the waist but several inches too short, and his faded jacket was rife with stitched-up tears and old burns.

The boy slid off the stage and moved to lean over Kazu’s chair, swiveling his hips. “I can move it any way you want,” he said, touching Kazu’s chest lightly.

The taller boy raised his eyebrows, “oh yea?” he asked, scanning the dancer more closely.

The dancer brushed up against him again, running his fingers through Kazu’s hair. “Just tell me what you want,” he purred.

“I think I want you.” he admitted. It was pretty obvious through the thin fabric of his worn jeans that he found the dancer quite attractive.

“We could always move this someplace a little more private,” the boy suggested. His hand brushed over Kazu’s crotch. “Hundred bucks a throw.”

Kazu bristled at the price, wondering whether he had money for so much as a gas station sandwich, much less a nice piece of ass. He hesitated to reply, trying to figure out how to weasel his way out of this mess, mumbling under his breath, “Shit…”

The dancer hesitated, drawing back a little as he suddenly understood. “Ah, I see. Maybe next time, yeah?” He winked, turning back towards the stage.

“Yea, maybe.” The dark-haired boy sighed, running his hands through his hair and climbing to his feet to leave. His ego was bruised and his wallet empty; he had no reason to linger. He glanced ruefully over his shoulder as he walked off, mentally kicking himself for being a broke embarrassment.

Bel hurried down the street, taking care not to touch the pocket that held his meager paycheck. He knew that was a surefire way to announce to anyone watching that he had something worth stealing.

He needed something to eat, and maybe a new jacket if he could swing that much cash. And, as the sun was already beginning to set, he needed to acquire those things as quickly as possible.

A flash of purple caught the eye of a local sleaze, who had been scanning the area for anybody who looked like they might actually have money on them. He was distracted from his task when he realized he recognized the purple-haired boy as the dancer from the other night. Tucking his pocketknife away in exchange for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, Kazu drew closer, hesitating to actually engage Bel yet.

He was about to say fuck it and walk away when he noticed the smaller boy shivering. Bel didn’t seem very well-dressed for the increasingly shitty weather, and despite his usual apathy and disdain towards the rest of the human population, Kazu felt a brief pang of concern. After a moment’s thought, he picked up his pace, reaching Bel’s side in a matter of steps (damn giraffe legs).

“What’re you doing around here? I ain’t seen ya in this part ‘a town, and I’m here… more than I’d like to be.”

Bel spun to face him, looking momentarily panicked before recognition hit. “You’re the guy from the other night,” he said, more to himself. He shrugged, tugging his jacket more tightly around him. “I live around here, but I don’t really get out much,” he answered, still eyeing Kazu warily.

“Weird.” Kazu remarked, “I know most’a the people around here…” he left out the part where most of them hated him. “Ya didn’t answer my first question, though. What brings ya out here, since ya said ya don’t normally get out?”

“Just running some errands,” Bel answered, unconsciously checking to feel that his money was still there.

The motion didn’t go unnoticed, and Kazu laughed. “I ain’t here to pickpocket ya. I woulda been long gone by now if I wanted your money. Smoke?” He held the cigarettes and lighter out to Bel.

Bel relaxed, if only slightly, accepting the cigarette gratefully. He let Kazu light it for him, taking in a long draw. “So,” he said, exhaling smoke, “I’m guessing you live around here, too?”

Kazu shrugged, tucking away his lighter and remaining cigarettes. He deliberately slowed his gait to keep from leaving Bel in the dust. “I… I guess ya could say that, yea.” He did exist in that area most of the time, but living usually implied a home of some sort.

“Yeah?” Bel raised an eyebrow. “So, do you have a name, or what?”

“I do. It’s Kazuhiro, not that most of you can pronounce it.” You seemed to mean Americans in context.

“Kazuhiro,” Bel repeated, managing a passable pronunciation. “Nice to meet you, Kazuhiro. I’m Isobel.”

“Nice t… Nice t’ meet ya too?” The taller boy repeated. It wasn’t a phrase he could recall saying before.

Bel smiled, taking another drag. “So, what do you do for fun, besides try to get free lap dances?”

“Look, I was drunk. I thought I had at least like… five bucks on me.” Kazu huffed defensively.

Bel snorted, but his smile was good-natured. “Do I look like a five dollar prostitute?”

“Mmm. Nah, I think ya prob’ly worth a solid seven.”

“Pssh. Flatterer.” Bel dropped the butt of his cigarette, grinding it out with the toe of his boot. “I was a little sorry to see you go. You looked like you could use a good time.”

Kazu sighed quietly, snuffing out his own cigarette between his fingers and tossing it aside. “Eh, I could use a lotta things I don’t got. Food. Money. An actual place to live. But I make do. I spent like an hour makin’ do-me eyes at the local rats after I left, an’ that shit’s free.”

“You don’t need to be paying for sex anyway, I’m guessing. You’re pretty cute, even all banged up.”

The taller boy scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Mm, I guess not, but it kinda turns people off when they ask to go back to your place and your place is a pile a’ blankets in a foreclosed building.”

Bel’s expression softened, but he was quick to hide it. “Luckily, my job gives me a place to stay. Not much else, but it’s comforting to at least have a roof over my head.” He drew them to a stop, glancing up at the bar sign above them. “Hey, wanna drink?”

Kazu paused, rifling in his pockets in search of money. He produced little more than a fistful of lint and some stale mints. “Can’t. Broke.”

“It’s on me,” Bel said, nodding towards the door.

“You sure?” Kazu’s brows raised, unaccustomed to generosity.

“Consider it payback for the smoke. And for turning you down the other night.”

The taller boy shrugged, his desire to get smashed outweighing paranoia. “Works for me.” He pulled open the door, holding it for Bel.

Bel flashed a coy smile, slipping past him. “Such a gentleman.”

Kazu couldn’t help but laugh as he followed Bel into the bar. “What, ya hadn’t noticed what a classy dude I am?”

“Oh, for sure. Honestly, I was surprised to see you in the club at all. I figured you would have gone to a gala or something instead.”  

“Well, I couldn’t find my ballgown.” Kazu smirked, dropping onto a stool at the end of the bar. Despite the height of the seats, his lanky legs still nearly reached the ground, his toes grazing the floor as he settled in.

Bel slid onto the stool beside him, flagging down the bartender. “What’s your poison?” he asked Kazu.

“Vodka, neat.”

Bel nodded to the bartender. “I’ll have a cosmopolitan.”

“D’ya wanna pair a’ pink lacy panties to go with that?” Kazu teased.

“I wouldn’t mind a new pair, if you’re offering to buy.”

The dark-haired boy laughed and shook his head. “Nah, blue would look better on ya.”

Bel blushed, thankful when their drinks arrived and gave him something to do. He took a sip, drumming his fingers on the bar.

“So, what errands are ya blowin’ off to hang with my sorry ass?” Kazu asked, downing his entire drink like an oversized shot.

“Needed some food,” Bel answered. “I finally had some cash to stock up on essentials.”

“Well, save some cash for that. I’d rather drink a little less than see ya starve. Ya ain’t go much weight left to lose ‘fore your just a purple-haired skeleton.” That was easily the most hypocritical thing Kazu could’ve said, but his teasing tone was coloured with legitimate concern.

“I don’t mind,” Bel said honestly. “It’s not often I get to talk with someone who’s interested in more than jamming their dick inside me.”

Kazu chuckled, “And how d’ya know that’s not my endgame?” He gestured to the bartender for a refill.

“Hmm, I guess I don’t.” He sipped his drink. “But I don’t think I really mind one way or the other.”

“Must be my lucky night.” The taller boy grinned, downing his second glass of vodka as quickly as the first. “Free drinks, and a nice piece a’ ass… Man, it’s been years since anybody bought me a drink… that wasn’t poisoned.”

“Maybe that’s my endgame.”

This time, Kazu laughed much more sincerely, a surprisingly warm, deep tone. “There’s sure worse ways to die.”

Bel grinned, happy to have coaxed a genuine laugh from him. “So,” he said, ordering another drink for himself, “on the slim chance that this isn’t all some elaborate ruse to poison a near total stranger…I was thinking, you know, if you ever needed a place to crash for the night, I’ve got a couch…”

“Shit, man, you're living the life of luxury.” Kazu grinned. “I may have to take ya up on that soon. It's gettin’ cold as fuck out lately.”

“I hope you do,” Bel said, and he meant it.

The taller boy smiled, and for a brief second, the frostiness faded from his ice-blue eyes. He gestured for another drink, downing it before asking, “wanna show me the way there when we're done here?”

Bel grinned. “I’d like that.”

Kazu winked at him, glancing between Bel and the bar as he tries to decide whether he'd rather wrap his lips around another glass of vodka or the boy sitting next to him.

By the time Bel ordered his third drink, it was becoming obvious that he was drunk. He wasn’t a big drinker, and it definitely showed. On the bright side, he had completely relaxed, apparently deciding that Kazu meant him no harm.

The taller boy was still barely buzzed, ordering up another vodka as he looked Bel up and down. After a moment, he asked, “Why purple? Cause you like it, or cause it looks good?”

“Both,” he said, sipping at his drink. “I wanted a change after I left home.”

“Mm. I know that feeling. What's your natural colour?” Kazu asked, growing more curious as the alcohol warmed him up.

“Blonde,” he answered. He nodded towards Kazu. “I like your color, too.��

“What, this?” Kazu ran a hand through his messy dark hair. “It's natural, I can't be bothered to do anything with it.” He guessed that would probably come as a surprise; being tall and blue-eyed usually gets one read as Slavic or Scandinavian, which didn't exactly mesh with the slick blue-black hair he'd gotten from his mother.

“It’s beautiful,” Bel said, slurring his words a bit.

Kazu blinked in surprise, his cheeks burning red. He wasn't sure he'd ever gotten a compliment that wasn't from a horny guy twice his age before. “Uh… I… thanks?”

Bel smiled. “I’m glad we met. You seem nice.”

“I promise I'm not. I just happen to like you.”

“S’fine by me.” Bel downed the rest of his drink, nudging Kazu’s shoulder. “Wanna get out of here?”

“Hell yea.” Kazu drained his own glass and hopped to his feet. “lead the way.” He followed the smaller, much drunker boy out of the bar and back to his place, grabbing at Bel’s ass while the tipsy boy fumbled with the keys. As soon as they got in the door, clothes were coming off left and right.

Kazu was, as expected, somewhere between wiry and underfed, with a worrying assortment of scars covering his body, some of which looked weeks old at most. He grinned broadly at the sight of Bel’s lithe body, leaning in to nip at his collarbone and whisper, “Are you as good in bed as you are on the pole?”

“This apartment didn’t pay for itself,” Bel quipped, pressing himself close.

The dark-haired boy chuckled, pulling Bel in to make out. He tasted faintly of smoke and booze, but Kazu didn't mind, as he was much the same. As hands started to move down south, he groped around in the pocket of his discarded jeans to find a condom, and it was only a matter of minutes before they were going at it hot and heavy.  

Bel moaned, burying his face in the sheets as he moved against Kazu’s body. The furious pace felt amazing, until it didn’t. Suddenly, Bel was too hot, his stomach beginning to churn uneasily from all the alcohol.

He pushed himself up, reaching back towards Kazu. “S-stop for a second…”

Kazu froze, raising an eyebrow. “I didn’t hurt ya, did I?” He was worried that perhaps he’d gotten a little too into it, maybe been rougher than he’d intended.

“No, I…” Bel swallowed, his hand moving unconsciously to his lips. “I just don’t feel great all of a sudden.”

“Ah, shit.” Kazu nodded understandingly, climbing off the bed to put his boxers back on. He offered a hand to Bel. “Think ya can make it to the bathroom?”

Bel nodded, taking Kazu’s hand and sliding off the bed. For once he was grateful for his tiny apartment, because by the time he’d made it to the bathroom he was already beginning to heave.

The taller boy cursed under his breath in Japanese, wrapping a supportive arm around the trembling Bel. He helped the sickly boy kneel down over the toilet, pulling an elastic off his wrist to tie Bel’s long purple hair back out of the line of fire. “Try an’ breathe, aight? You’ll be fine. Prob’ly jus’ need to get the booze outta your system.”

Bel hiccuped queasily, letting his head hang over the toilet. “Sorry about this.”

“You're fine, man. Ya got me drinks and a place to spend the night. I don't mind takin’ care of ya.”

Bel’s shoulders shook as he gagged, clearly still trying to fight it down. It didn’t take long for the nausea to win though. He lurched forward, letting out a surprisingly loud belch for someone so small. A rush of vomit was quick to follow, splashing forcefully into the toilet.

Kazu winced, but didn't say anything, patting Bel’s shoulder with a sympathetic hum.

Bel coughed once before vomiting up another stream, barely managing a breath before he was heaving up more of the alcohol. By the time he’d slipped into dry heaving, he was shaking like a leaf, his eyes watering from the exertion.

“Easy. Try to breathe.” Kazu murmured, rubbing up and down Bel’s spine with a surprisingly gentle touch.

Bel tried to follow his instructions, sucking in a sharp breath as his stomach continued to turn itself inside out. Slowly, he seemed to regain control, his stomach settling down as his heaving stopped. Bel slumped bonelessly against the toilet, wiping at the tears running down his cheeks. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“You're aight. C’mere.” Kazu scooped Bel up, carrying him carefully back to bed. “ya need anything? Water, maybe?”

“Mmm...maybe later,” Bel said, still feeling queasy.

Kazu nodded quietly, looking Bel up and down before murmuring, “roll over.”

Bel did as he was asked, scooting towards the side of the bed and rolling onto his side, tugging his thin blanket over him.

Kazu sat next to him, placing one warm hand between Bel’s shoulderblades, slowly rubbing up and down. “‘at feel any good?”

Bel gave a contented hum, nuzzling into his blanket.

“Try an’ get some sleep.” Kazu mumbled, trying not to be bitter about being cockblocked by puke.

Bel nodded a little, and in no time he was fast asleep.

Kazu stayed up a while longer, stepping outside for a cigarette before finally retreating to bed, curling up next to Bel with a soft yawn. He didn't sleep for long, waking up just after sunrise and slipping back into his clothes from the night before. He pulled a scrap of paper and a pen from his pocket, leaving a note that said thanks for the drinks, but misspelled and barely legible, along with his phone number. Leaving it on Bel’s nightstand, he tugged on his jacket and shuffled out the front door.

[evenstevensranked]

#27: Season 2, Episode 1 - “Starstruck”

Ruby desperately wants to win a radio contest to sit in on boyband BBMak’s recording session. Meanwhile, Louis finds an incredibly lucky penny and milks it for all it’s worth.

Wow, guys! Season 2 opens with the BBMak/Lucky Penny/Louis gets a makeover and looks smokin’ hot and Ruby develops a crush on him and I'm like "girl, same" episode!!! Let’s do this.

Alright, so within the first minute of this episode we learn that Ruby is absolutely obsessed with BBMak (a boyband that actually existed and is now unfortunately so irrelevant that some younger viewers of today assume they're a fictional band) and she’s trying to win a contest to go to their recording session when they come to Sacramento. She’s been listening to the radio on her pink, cheetah print walkman for hours on end trying to make sure she’s the lucky caller. Ren is concerned that her intense devotion may not be healthy.. but, Ruby insists she’s not obsessed with them. Her bedroom and behavior says otherwise: 

At school the next day, Louis ends up finding a lucky penny which leads him to experience the best few days in a row ever. It kicks off with him narrowly escaping death and his big history test being canceled due to their teacher’s monkey having babies. The usual. If you binge watch the show, like I’ve done more times than I care to admit, the first few seconds of this scene are shocking because Louis' voice is obviously deeper and he looks obviously older. Yet according to Disney logic we're supposed to believe he's still in 7th grade, lol nah. Maybe at least the second half of 7th grade... We've gone over this before.

Louis seconds away from potentially dying over a penny.

Like I've mentioned, Disney is notoriously bad at airing episodes out of order. So here, we get an episode featuring Ren’s old friend Nelson. The only issue is that this aired 6 episodes before Thin Ice, which is Nelson’s formal introduction. The only explanation I can think of for this is that the Disney execs thought the BBMak thing would make a stronger season opener and switched up the airing order after they were already shot sequentially. I guess they assumed, or hoped, no one would notice or care that there's a new character we've never seen before just chilling with the gang like BFFs lol. According to Wiki at least, Season 2 was aired horrifically out of order when you compare the production code to the number it aired in the season. Like, WOW. For example, this episode was shot as Episode 13. I think that says it all.

No wonder Louis seems so jarringly older in this episode. He’s totally younger in the episodes that were supposed to air during the front half of S2.

Anyway, both Ren and Nelson are concerned about Ruby’s wellbeing now. She has practically turned into a fanatic zombie. They approach her and she says “I haven’t slept. I haven’t eaten. Do you really think I wanna chat?” completely zoned out of her mind. Yeah, I’d be worried too. We also see that she’s not doing her schoolwork either. Her entire binder is full of BBMak, including this rather disturbing pop-up: 

Continuing his string of good luck, Louis gets to eat Principal Wexler’s extravagant birthday lunch for whatever reason and ends up winning a free fashion makeover courtesy of "Fruity Fruit Cocktail." ....ok. Tawny starts to get freaked out and Twitty simply says "I'm starting not to like you" which is understandable, because Louis is quickly slipping into another arrogant phase due to all of the luck he's been having.

Ren and Nelson give Ruby an intervention to stop her ridiculous obsession with BBMak and wanting to marry one of them. Why is this something that never goes out of relevancy? This is still happening today. It’s perhaps more relevant than ever with the rise of internet fandoms and socials like Tumblr. Teens are literally spiraling into genuine insanity over bands like never before. As long as there are teen idols, there will be teen idol fanatics. Can’t really go wrong with a plot-line like this. Ren tells her "You deserve a real life person who's gonna be perfect for you" - Ruby agrees and decides to turn over a new leaf.

The new and improved made-over Louis comes waltzing in, and just like that Ruby replaces her BBMak obsession with a Louis obsession. She’s just blown away by his beauty. Same, tbh. Y’all already know that I HAD THE BIGGEST CRUSH AND THIS EPISODE KILLED ME!!!! Now that I think about it, this very well might've been the episode that solidified my everlasting fondness for Shia LaBeouf.

This isn’t even overdramatic. Ruby is so me. 

Even Ren and Nelson tell Louis that he looks stunning! Well, “stunning” was Louis’ word, not theirs. They just agreed with his conceitedness, lol. Suddenly a bird comes flying into the house and lands on Louis’ shoulder. Of course, it happens to be Pecky -- a missing bird with a $50 reward. OF COURSE!

The next day, Ruby happily tells Ren that she has officially moved on from BBMak. There’s a new guy in her life! Ren is so excited until Ruby reveals the new object of her affection to her: 

Um, is this my room circa 2001 or Ruby’s? I honestly can’t tell. Also I would so buy that big’ol poster of Shia on her closet door. That thing has made a few appearances throughout the series. It’s kind of iconic looking, don’t you think? Maybe that’s just me... 

Just thought I’d mention: Ren asks her “How did you get these pictures?!” and Ruby explains “I downloaded them from the internet. Louis has a very interesting website.” Do I even want to know? Aside from the implied potentially disturbing content, part of me wishes Disney had some sort of interactive fake louisstevens.com website or something like Nickelodeon did with amandaplease.com! 

Tawny insists that Louis' lucky streak is nothing but “admittedly weird coincidences,” until Louis calls in to win the huge BBMak contest and......... wins. I love how he acts so blasé about it. The DJ is so excited and Louis is all "Eh.. What can I say? This whole charmed life thing is getting kinda old." Also, the DJ in this scene, who appears two more times in the series, was one of the many actors recycled for That’s So Raven. He played a news reporter on that show. Similar field. Huh. 

Ren believes that Ruby is simply rebounding with Louis and decides to show her his nasty bedroom to make her realize she doesn't actually like him. Ren also tells Ruby that he’s rotten and selfish, which... Is kinda true sometimes, oops. But at the same time, that scene always makes me a little sad inside. Louis is a good guy at heart, Ren!!

Just then, Louis appears in the doorway asking "What are you doing in my room?" and we get this incredible exchange:

(credit)

Louis then proceeds to very unselfishly invite Ruby to the BBMak recording session which only reinforces her crush on him. 

Okay. We finally make it to this darn recording session! Thank god. Louis might as well’ve brought his entire extended family because he brought four freaking people along with him like it’s some free for all. You usually don’t push your luck when you’re gifted something like that... but, oh yeah. Lucky penny. I freaking love this bit where Ren whispers to Ruby “Woo! He’s gorgeous...” referring to Christian from BBMak, and Ruby says “I know.......” in reference to Louis! LOL. 

Ren is so disgusted and once again Ruby is me.

Shia has been gorgeous in my eyes for nearly my entire life!!!!!!!!! Apparently I'm weird because I've seen so many memes about him that say things like "He was that ugly, weird kid on Even Stevens and then he magically became good looking" I'm just sitting here like??? Y'all are about 14 years late to the party.

Louis and Twitty get distracted by a table with free cheese on it, which honestly is the best part of any and every function or gathering. Not even gonna lie. While hanging around the cheese table, Twitty decides to seize the opportunity and give BBMak an Alan Twitty Project demo tape of “Sacramento Girl.” (YESSSSS!) They lie and say they’ll check it out — but immediately stuff it under a block of cheese. As a musician, I can confirm that this is too real. It’s impossible to get successful/established artists to take you seriously. I met Fall Out Boy at a local radio junket once and slipped Pete Wentz a demo. I never heard anything, sooo... It stings to know that he most likely hid it under some cheese the second I left. 

BBMak are looking for a ‘Sacramento sound’ (whatever that is) and encourage Louis to play some tambourine on their track! They tell him “If this works out, you could come on tour with us!” If only it was that easy to land a national gig in real life. Ruby mentions in passing that she needs to tell Louis how she feels, and TAWNY IS NOT HAVIN’ IT! Omg. She kinda gets jealous of Ruby’s crush and they start a small argument over him. Ren cannot believe what she's witnessing and I love it. Also, Christy looks fantastic here? Whoever did her hair and makeup: Good job!! wow!

Unfortunately, Ruby’s attraction to him is short-lived and comes to a screeching halt the second Louis loses his penny during his tambo solo, jumping around like a lunatic with no rhythm. (Again, HOW does he become a drummer later on? It’s a mystery.) It’s very subtle, but you can tell once Ruby starts finding Louis "odd and annoying," that Tawny is secretly happy about it and still obviously likes him unconditionally even though he's literally insane. Same, Tawny.

So, yeah. Louis loses his penny and his luck runs out. BBMak basically kick him out of the studio. I love how Louis asks them “What about the record and the touring?! What about BBMak-Stevens?!” as if the conversation ever went that far. It’s great. I might’ve spoke too soon about Shia being gorgeous because the faces he makes when he realizes the penny is missing from his pocket are the furthest thing from the adjective: 

It is hysterical, however. And that outweighs everything else here, so.

This episode ends on an AMAZING note: A super cringy music video for “Sacramento Girl”! What more could you ask for?!?! We get some Twitty-Stevens Connection action here and it’s something to behold. 😂  Be on the lookout for Shia doing his classic “shirt-over-the-head” thing he does, HAHA. You can tell some of the vocals were done by middle-aged men (probably Jim Wise) which makes it even more hilarious. My favorite lyric has got to be the Grammy award worthy: “Before I met the girl I had it made... Now she scores higher than the whole arcade. YEAH!” And of course, the episodes’ immortal last words "TAKE THAT, BBMAK!!!!" will go down in history.  

That’s it! I honestly don’t even know why I’m ranking this one “lower.” It’s probably one of my personal favorites but.. Idk man. There are simply other episodes that I like more, lol. This is a totally solid episode though! Super memorable, pretty strong humor (including music-related humor... which you know I love!), and two awesome plot-lines that blend really well! But, even with all of that.. something felt slightly flat about it when re-watching. It could possibly just be from me watching these episodes waaay too much, tbh. It also probably has something to do with it being a “special” episode with guest stars and whatnot. Episodes like that tend to feel like totally separate things to me. 

At this point, we’ve officially reached the REALLY REALLY GOOD part of the list, though. So I don’t feel too bad about placing it here. There are no “bad” episodes from here on out. Well, there are no bad episodes of Even Stevens in general really. But.. you guys know what I mean.

I’m probably gonna regret and rethink this entire list once I finish it anyway so, lol. 

Thanks for reading! 

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[losebetter]

hey y’all it’s 4am and i wanna be real about somethin... it’s not really like, a Big Fucking Deal especially with everything else going on in all our lives, you know. so don’t feel like, anxious about it i guess? and i’m not lookin for a response of any sort or... you know. i kinda just want to say this thing while i chill out with the remains of a soda because, it’s been on my mind. just consider it your weird gay uncle’s ramble, i guess. feel free to skip over it!

just, looking back on it, i’ve been in fandom a long time. you know? more than ten years now - i grew up with it, and mostly with the internet... it’s been a huge part of my life, not just creatively but for the friends i’ve made and the communities i’ve been able to be a part of. it means the world to me sincerely, bc every fandom has bad eggs and stuff but it was just such a nurturing like, creative place to be queer, when i was growing up... and i really needed that i think. i still do!

and like i said, i don’t want to.. whine, yk, but i’m just gonna kinda say the thing: it feels like fandom hasn’t wanted me back in a long time. and i know this could be a personal thing (the homophobia i experienced in fallout fandom took an enormous toll on me and made an already hard time in my life much, much harder than it should’ve been, honestly) but it feels kind of community-oriented as well, like... i know it’s not just me who feels like this, a lot of queer - especially gay - men have been feeling on edge, unwelcome, like... we don’t belong here anymore? like these spaces about us aren’t. for us? i’ve felt this way for years now, honestly.

and i’m at a point now where it... kind of is what it is. i guess. people will do what they do, and fan culture has shifted recently in a big way, which a lot of people smarter than me have already talked about a great deal. and i try to just view it like that, because i know speaking up about it only like... pulls the knot tighter, if that makes sense? there’s always so goddamn much on the line when people speak about this and - i get it, i really do. so this isn’t some... i dunno. call to action or anything. (those of you who know me know i do about as much of that as i can stomach as it is.) i get that it’s complicated and that where gay trans boys fit into this culture and wider narrative hasn’t really been figured out yet. and that’s... listen, i wish it was better so that other gay trans boys, especially younger ones, could grow up feeling better. i hate seeing these young men get hurt. but frankly? it’s too late for me in a lot of ways, and i see that with clear eyes. so i know... when to remove myself from stuff i guess? i dunno.

i’ve been trying over the last... i don’t know. year, maybe? probably a shorter time but it’s hard to tell (my real life is.. eh, what it is, but it means i don’t have a great concept of time), but i’ve been trying to find a place in my life for my creativity and my queerness and my friends, removed from fandom? and trying to see how that fits... it’s just lonely, y’all. i fucking miss this so much. and like i said: part of that is fan culture on the whole changin, and me getting older and, all of that, but it hurts? it feels like fandom isn’t for me - that that sense of community and queerness and just MAKING STUFF for the joy of it doesn’t - can’t - be a part of my life, because of who i am, and that’s... really, really hard. :,) and i have some really good friends (mostly met through fandom in fact) you know, and like, we’ve all discussed this one way or another... but i just feel so exhausted. and fandom isn’t supposed to feel like that. fandom in my life has - i mean, yeah, it’s been a source of stress, like almost everything, but the good has always outweighed the bad. i just feel like it doesn’t anymore. 

i feel like there isn’t a place for me, and it feels like. a bad breakup, or like, having to pull away from a family member - something that’s been in my life, that i have so much respect for, that i am grateful for... buhh. i just - do y’all get what i mean? fandom is a whole... idk, lifestyle, to me. it’s how i stay connected with people, and i don’t mean like - keeping in touch, i mean how i don’t go batshit by how alone it feels to live where i do and have the.. family situation i have, and whatever else. it’s how i remind myself who i am. the friends i make and keep offline are often fandom folks themselves - because we just innately understand one another, you know? i see this as an incredible thing. it just feels so twisted now that i don’t... know what to do. “pull away from fandom” is obviously an idea, but i feel like... i kinda have? and i get even less of the good that way, and the bad sticks out due to the work i do.

i don’t know, guys. i wish i could be more like... intellectual about this, i wish i could layer this feeling with actual facts about fandom history and help us understand one another, but i can’t. i just have this jumble of horrible feelings and i’ve exhausted every way i can think of to reassure myself that what i do matters - and even moreso, that there is a place for me to exist here, to breathe, to make gay stuff without being - fucking ashamed of it. because being gay isn’t a commodification of a gay identity, but the latter is getting discussed (mostly in a way where it’s being accepted - every time i see the argument about how women fetishizing mlm is actually a feminist move i feel like breaking down crying) and the former just fucking isn’t. it feels so miserable and hopeless, no matter what i do, or how hard i try. you know? it feels like i can’t even mention that without getting caught in a web of having to defend myself and what i care about and it’s so! tiring! i’m tired! i wish i could do more! i don’t know how to change this, or what to do about it... and like. i dunno, i guess if you’ve seen me less over here, that’s part of why. i just feel disconnected, you know?

anyway. that’s all i really had to say, i’m sorry if any of it made you guys feel bad or, anything like that, that wasn’t the point. (i assume most of you know me well enough to know that by now but i figured it was worth apologizing anyway.) i just wish there was some way to fix this.

[calangkoh]

I honestly feel that I haven't given 03 the chance it deserved. It is a good series, and it shouldn't be compared to brotherhood, because it is a different series told with the same characters. If brotherhood didn't exist, we would see FMA03 as a good series, because it is. I feel it's look down upon so much because of its super successful younger brother. Thank you for trying to spread appreciation.

Thank you for your message! Yeah, I believe it’s hard to say one is objectively better than the other because they’re simply too different. Of course, that won’t stop me from saying “03 is better!” because that’s the one I like better. For me and my preferences, the strengths of 03 outweigh the strengths of BH, and the weaknesses of BH are worse than the weaknesses of 03. But I reiterate: that’s due to personal preference.

However I still also believe that a good portion of people who say “BH is better”/“03 sucks” actually haven’t watched 03.

I’d say 03 is better at characterization, subtlety, ambiguity/giving the viewer room to think, pacing, handling emotional scenes and depth, and also handles many lessons and themes better than Brotherhood.

Brotherhood…has a better plot. And a lot of its praises I can say “yeah it did do that well! 03 did it kinda better though,” while other praises I find go both ways like “oh yes I like this part BH and this part 03,” such as with Roy’s arc. It’s really hard for me to be objective with BH at this point, though, because I just plain don’t like it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

While I can be critical of 03 (because there’s no fun in saying anything is perfect!) I sold my soul to it so there’s no enjoying BH for me anymore. (Me after watching BH: eh that was pretty good I guess. me after watching 03 a second time and rewatching BH: wow this sucks.)

The series is good and the hate it gets is usually from BH stans (life lesson: nothing is perfect and if anyone is saying how amazing and flawless something is, ESPECIALLY when nostalgia is playing a key factor, you should be skeptical) and/or from people who haven’t watched the series.

To be honest I feel like a lot of common criticisms of 03 is also invalid as well. Such as “it’s not canon.” Or when people completely miss the point of something because they don’t want to think critically, such as “they made Hughes a Nazi so the series is Bad!” But hey if you wanna critique the crazy, convoluted episode and arc structure, or the times the drama went too far and became laughable, I’ll definitely hear you out because I agree.

Sorry I got too rant-y. Thank you for your ask and I’m glad I got you to appreciate the series!

[thatsthepan]

Beauty King

Summary: Nothing has been stopping Dan from making a makeup video but himself. So he does. Simple as that.

Word Count: 2,645

Warnings: Mild swearing?

Notes: So this has been sitting, finished and edited by the lovely @cantcatchmegaythoughts, for weeks now, but I’ve been so busy with AP exams and prom that I kinda forgot about it. So without further ado I give you my makeup Dan fic! I hope y’all enjoy, and leave a response in my ask if you get a chance, please!:)

Dan

I spend at least three days thinking things over before actually going through with anything. People sometimes assumed I was the fun spontaneous one, and that Phil was more mature and responsible. It was probably because he was older, and more innocent, but it wasn’t the way things worked with us. Phil randomly bought things we didn’t need at Tesco at three in the morning. I planned tweets three days in advance. We balanced each other out, and that was fine by us.

The thing the annoyed me about my planning was the process. The outcome was generally fine, but the process was a pain in the ass. The first day was thinking over what I would say, or do, or buy, and the reasons why it was a good and bad idea. If I ended up deeming it a good idea, the next day I would go through the cycle of “Should I ask? Should I really do this? Do I actually want to buy this? What are the pros? Do they outweigh the cons?” And so forth.

But the third day was when I actually grew up and made myself do whatever the thing was that I had been planning. And this time, it was a makeup video.

The first day I thought of it, I mapped out the video, scrapping the idea about nine times before I finally realized I’d need help on this one. So then I planned on asking Louise, and then planned how I would, and thought over what she would say. The second day was a long and tedious series of “Would she agree? Can I really go through with uploading this video, or will it sit in a folder on my laptop in pieces like so many other past videos? How much makeup should I do? Should I upload a picture first? Should I drop hints? Does anyone suspect this?” Every question was a long and tedious decision, and I could tell Phil knew I was up to something.

I didn’t want to tell him, though, for whatever reason. I felt like I had to be sneaky, and surprise him along with everyone else. I knew Phil was so proud of how far I’d come, and I knew that this video would make his day. He loved seeing me break gender roles, and I loved seeing him smile.

Finally, the third day came, and I made sure Phil wasn’t eavesdropping when I called Louise.

“Hey, Lou,” I said immediately, not letting her answer her own phone. It was a game we’d been playing for a few years now, and it was silly but tradition to us.

Louise giggled into the phone, knowing I’d won this round. “Hello, Dan. How’re you guys? The unpacking going well?”

I snorted into the phone, picking up a pillow to muffle a scream before calmly answering, “Of course. Couldn’t be better. We so love boxes. And mess. And organizing.”

Louise cracked up, making me smile with her genuine ugly laugh. Louise and I thought each other were absolutely hilarious, and even though Phil would always be my best friend, he was also my boyfriend. It was nice to have someone I didn’t want to kiss every time I heard them laugh.

“You’re ridiculous. But you didn’t call me for nothing, love, so get on with it.”

Rolling my eyes, I got straight to the point. “I need you to help me with a video.”

I could hear Louise’s smile through the static of the phone. She’d been waiting for this call for awhile. She gave me the benefit of the doubt, however, asking “Oh? And what kind of video might that be?”

“A fucking porno, Lou, what else?”

We both burst out laughing, taking a few moments to compose ourselves before speaking.

“I’m so happy you finally decided to do this! What should I bring? Do you want to go to the store to get your own stuff? Should it be a tutorial, or just a “Louise Does My Makeup” vid?”

Of all the things I’d thought over, none of these questions had factored in. “Um.”

“Oh Dan. You really do need my help, don’t you?”

Clearly, I did. “Yes, mom, please teach me the ways of the beauty,” I said sarcastically, only half-kidding.

“Fuck yourself, child, I’m only seven years older than you as of Friday.”

“Mooommmmm…”

“I’m blocking you.”

I snickered. “No, don’t! I’ll behave just please help me.”

Sighing, Louise paused. “Okay, firstly, what kind of video do you want to do?”

I thought it over. “I want to do my own makeup, but I don’t want it to be a tutorial. What would that be called?”

“Hmm. It could be a how I do my makeup one? Or maybe just come up with a clever title.”

I made a sound of agreement, the wheels already turning in my brain. Louise sensed this, moving on to the next question.

“How much makeup are you wanting to do? Full-face, just eye makeup, just base and contour…?”

I’d somewhat thought of this already, so my answer was quicker. “Full-face, I think, but also my nails?”

Louise hummed in approval. “Getting bold, are we?”

I snorted, mumbled “It’s high damn time”, and we moved on to the next part.

“I assume you want your own products, right? We are very different-looking people, after all.”

That was true. “Yeah, but I want you to come with me because I have no idea what I’m doing. But also bring your makeup because we’re both doing this, and also we need nail polish.”

I could tell Louise was grinning. “You’re really brave for doing this, you know that? 2009 Dan would be having a stroke right now.”

I rolled my eyes again. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. New year new me, blah blah blah.”

Chuckling, Louise’s tone shifted a bit. “Does Phil..?”

I smiled to myself, suddenly bashful. “Uh, yeah, no. No he doesn’t know and no he’s not doing his makeup too. I just-I kinda want to surprise him, you know? But he’ll probably suspect it anyways so I don’t know why I’m being a sneaky shit.”

Louise was quiet for a while, worrying me, but she had just been processing the situation. “No, I don’t think he will,” she began, sounding serious. “Phil’s a bit oblivious at times, you know that. And if you have no makeup around the house, then he has no reason to just assume you’ve made up your mind. But I do think surprising him is very sneaky and cute of you.”

My face was hot, even though she couldn’t see me. “Thanks, but not really. I just really kind of want to see what I look like with makeup on.”

Louise burst out laughing again, making me smile.

“You’re a selfish bitch, but a good-intentioned one. I’ll see you tomorrow, love!”

***

“Where ya going?” Phil called, and I nearly smacked into the wall on the way over to him in the lounge. I was still adjusting to this flat, not to mention stepping over boxes in every direction.

“Louise’s,” I answered, acting as casual as possible.

Phil didn’t look up from the book he was reading, sat in the middle of the floor next to a box as if he’d been unloading it. As if.

“Oh, cool. Can I come?”

My heart beat just a little faster, and I remembered how bad I was at lying. “Eh, we’re just having a girls’ day,” I forced a laugh, hoping I hadn’t given away too much. “You’d be really bored.”

Looking hurt, Phil’s eyes flickered. “I would not. But okay, you two have fun. Text me when you’re on your way home and I’ll order pizza.”

I felt awful for hurting his feelings, but I really didn’t want to tell him about the video. Dodging boxes and miscellaneous piles of crap littering the room, I knelt down behind Phil, wrapping my arms around him and kissing his shoulder. “I love youuuuu,” I sang, feeling his smile when he kissed my cheek.

“Love you too, bear. Tell Lou I said hi.”

***

“How many aisles of makeup can there possibly be?!”

Louise was worriedly glancing at the appalled expression on my face, the sheer amount of products before us scaring the hell out of me. This was going to be a mess. I had no idea what I was doing, no idea what to buy, I didn’t even know what look I was going for-

“Dan, sweetie, breathe. It’s a lot easier than you think, I promise.”

I breathed, and Louise took my hand in hers. “Lipstick?”

“Black, obviously.”

Her eyebrows shot up. “Really? That dark for the first ever time people see you with makeup?”

I shrugged. “I did black on my nails the first time I painted them, so might as well. Maybe dark red, I don’t know.”

We decided on dark red. We also decided smokey eye, eyeliner, highlighter, contour, foundation, mascara, lip liner, primer (which I didn’t know was a thing), eyebrow pencil-the whole package. And I picked sparkly black nail polish this time-might as well mix the last two colors.

When we got back to Louise’s house and had set the camera’s up, I began to get nervous. I had almost bit down on my nail before Louise all but slapped me, looking furious.

“You will not. We are literally about to start this and you want to bite your nails? Are you actually mad?”

I tried to hide my grin, but Louise’s face softened at it nonetheless. “What?” she asked, trying not to smile herself.

“You do sound like a mom.”

Slapping my arm for real this time, Louise called for Darcy, who came running at me like a bullet. I hugged her as Louise asked, “Darcy, what does mommy do when you bite your nails?”

“Doesn’t let me paint them! She’s mean, Dan.”

I chuckled at Louise’s smug expression, still feeling nervous but excited at the same time. As we started the video, I kept imagining what Phil’s reaction would be, more than anyone else’s. Would he be surprised at all? Would he like it? Would I like it?

It turned out, I did. A lot. I couldn’t stop looking at my reflection in Louise’s mirror, amazed by how different my face looked. I looked… stunning, if I was being honest, and I wondered why I’d been such a little bitch about doing this before now. I guess I was just scared, was all, but I was 100% glad I’d conquered that fear because damn, was I hot.

Louise was amazed too. “I hate you,” she muttered at one point, making me burst out laughing.

“You look better,” I assured her, but she just glared.

“Oh, fuck you, you’re the pretty friend. Darcy, come here!”

I didn’t know how Darcy would react, which made me worry for a brief moment, even if she was only six. But her reaction was priceless, and I had tears in my eyes after she finished squealing.

“Oh my goodness you’re so pretty! Mommy, look at his eyes!” Darcy’s little hands were fluttering all around my face, making me grin in amusement. “He looks like a princess! No, a queen! Is it okay if you’re a queen instead of a king Dan? Because I’ve never seen a king with makeup before!”

“He can be a beauty king too, Darce,” Louise smiled at me, and I smiled at the floor. Taking the makeup off made me sad, but I made sure I took lots of selfies and aesthetic photos before I did.

I couldn’t wait to see what Phil thought of the video.

***

It was 10:30 before I got home that night, and the flat was quiet. I opened the door of the lounge quietly, finding Phil asleep on the floor next to his book. He looked so adorable laying in the midst of all this chaos, perfectly at peace, that I had to take a couple of pictures. I laid next to him on the floor, posting one of the pictures on Twitter with the caption Guess it’s my turn to take sleep creepshots. After about five minutes Phil rolled over, groaning and blinking at me, inches away from his face.

“This floor is less comfortable than the old flat’s.”

I smiled nostalgically, reaching over and playing with the fringe over his eyes. “Then why are you sleeping on it, silly?”

Phil smiled sleepily, snatching my hand before I could put it back down. “Guess you and Lou did have a girls’ day, huh?”

Letting him examine the glittering abyss of my nails, I smiled sheepishly. “You have no idea.”

***

I spent all night editing the video, even making a bloopers one that may or may not get uploaded, which included the part with Darcy freaking out that we’d unknowingly filmed. I was exhausted the next morning, and Phil noticed.

“What were you doing all night last night?” he casually asked, digging in one of the kitchen boxes for the cereal.

“Editing,” I muttered, sitting on the floor and leaning against one of the cupboards since the dining table had shit piled all over it.

“When did you film?” Phil turned around, looking interested, and I mentally slapped myself for giving anything away.

“Couple days ago,” I lied, closing my eyes and jumping when Phil’s hands pressed against either side of my face. I opened one eye, seeing his face directly in front of mine, smiling knowingly.

“You’re hiding something from me.”

“You’re hiding the cereal from me.”

We stared at each other until I broke, kissing the tip of his nose and standing abruptly. “Can we please eat, I’m not kidding.”

The day went by slowly, but when I finally hit upload on the video, I hurried to stand outside the lounge, able to clearly hear everything because of that damn glass wall. I heard the notification on Phil’s phone ding, heard him drop his book to turn the volume up on his phone, and heard my “Hello internet…”

I listened to the entire video, smiling at certain parts and wanting to see Phil’s face more than I’d ever wanted to see anything before. When it finally ended, I didn’t hear Phil getting up, and frowned, wondering what he was doing. I’d expected him to come running to ask me about the video, but after a few minutes I began to wonder if he’d even liked the video at all. My phone buzzed, and I had to blink blurriness out of eyes to see what Phil had posted.

It was a picture of me without makeup and a screenshot from the end of the video, side by side, with the caption He’s beautiful with or without makeup, isn’t he?

“You sneaky, pretty little shit.”

I nearly screamed when Phil spoke, arms crossed and standing directly in front of me. I hadn’t even heard him open the door to the lounge, let alone walk halfway down the hall. My heart was still in my throat when Phil kissed me, not letting me speak and completely taking me by surprise. When I got the chance to breathe, all I asked was, “So? Did you like it?”

Phil looked at me with so much love in his eyes that I felt my throat tighten again, and I knew the video would be worth every last second, just to make Phil this happy.

“I’m stunned. That you went through with it, that you looked just that damn gorgeous, and that you hid the whole thing from me!” The last part was accompanied with a glare, and I grinned, unashamed.

“So you liked it?”

Kissing me again, Phil whispered, “I loved it, bear. You’re beautiful, and you should know that.”

I smiled, happy with the choices I’d made. “I’m learning.”

“Good. It’s long overdue.”

[shootfortherightreasons]

;; So I know my blog is not a GoT blog so I’ll be posting all my thoughts/feelings under a cut (it’s long anyway), but since this was the final episode of the series I feel obligated to talk about it a bit because I loved GoT before I even got into TWD. Mix of being pissed at D&D and feeling emotional about the series being over lol. There’s some super light TWD stuff in here too.

Firstly, I’m definitely upset about Dany - for a lot of reasons. Seeing what the GoT fandom is going through is exactly what the TWD fandom went through last year (between characters and people feeling both respective S8s ruined the series). Both she and Carl are the reasons I got into each respective series, only to watch their characters respectively be butchered and manipulated to suit the plot, only for them to be killed off. They were turned into something they weren’t for the sake of a lackluster plot that could have ended the same way with legitimate means (and in Carl’s case, one hundred percent did not need to involve his death).

What I mean is that Gimple and D&D are incompetent as shit. I understand George gave D&D outlines and that Dany will likely go down the same route in the books, but let me tell you it’s not gonna be as shit as it was in the show. Dany will probably still go Mad Queen in the books - I don’t doubt that - but it’s not going to be as half assed and bullshitted as the show was just to end things. I loved Dany and I could have accepted this tragic end better if it wasn’t done so poorly in the show. The way things ended left a bitter taste in my mouth about Greyworm to top it off. And I mean look, any character that gives Jon shit is typically automatically on my shit list so lol. ripperoni in your lonely pepperoni, greyworm. i was about to say that made me want pizza, but i did buy an entire box of pizza strips the other day. i have pizza.

Also, lemme just say, I’m still pissed they dropped Daario off the face of the earth. He was left behind and never shown again, and tbh I imagine Dany’s descent into madness would have been way pushed off with Daario around. He was one of the actual few people who could temper her. The show didn’t even give us an inkling of what was going on with him in the end. Not only am I fan of his character (though grateful he wasn’t around for his character to be butchered), but it’s a massive loose end on Dany’s story’s side.

All things considered, trying to ignore the sheer and utter incompetence of D&D, I’m hella glad Davos and Tormund lived to the end of the whole show. I feel like Jon and Tormund are family at this point. Honestly though? The Free Folk took everything better than the Seven Kingdoms in this past season. Probably even in general just compared to the SK’s behavior this past season. Good on them.

Glad Ghost wasn’t left behind and got to be with Jon in the end because I would’ve never shut up about that if it hadn’t happened. Ngl though I got so emotional with the Starks all saying goodbye. I may have got into this show because of Dany, but ultimately Jon ended up my favorite so seeing him having to say goodbye to his siblings and leaving broke my heart. Also, like, wtf? Why does Greyworm get any say in Jon’s fate if he’s leaving Westeros entirely? Ummmm. Hop off. I really wish Edd had survived if Jon had to go back to the Wall anyway. I can’t tell if he’s the leader of the Free Folk now or if he’s the Lord Commander or both or what now, and I’m definitely sad he couldn’t stay home, but he’s definitely been accepted by a mass amount of people. All these people love and respect him regardless of what happened with Dany.

All credit to Emilia here, but the way the scene was acted with Dany literally going insane and truly believing in her eyes that she did the right thing was fantastic. Also all credit to Kit here, but I loved his acting when Jon was crying and trying to reason with himself that he was doing the right thing by killing Dany. He walked in there prepared to kill her, but seeing how delusional and lost she was to the Dany he’d met broke him and reinforced his decision. He was really destroyed that he had to do that before he even did it and that was amazingly acted by both of them. Also, I love how much that scene mirrored her vision of the throne room in the House of the Undying. Even though she was able to touch the chair, in the vision she didn’t actually touch it, as if to foreshadow it would never be hers. The moment she walked away from it in the vision was like saying her not being able to sit on the throne would be the end of her story. It really drives how gone she was too when she seemed like a normal, happy person again, just telling childhood stories to Jon like a pleasant individual despite what she’d just done. Emilia is gorgeous and amazing; have a nice day.

I’m actually pretty okay with Bronn getting the position he got because let’s be honest, it was actually due lol. For all the shit he got involved in, I think everything he got for it was justified. Hopefully Robyn isn’t a little shit anymore. Still think it’s very odd for Sam to live in the South and to be separated from Jon.

Characters who I’m really aggravated about having died are Jaime and Varys. Part of me still refuses to accept their deaths as canon because Varys turned into an idiot under D&D’s watch and Jaime’s entire character arc got reversed. Still not cool with that stuff. Cersei’s death was anticlimactic as fuck. I wanted her to die but not... like... that...? Eight seasons of buildup for... that? Hmmm.

I’m happy about Sansa being Queen of the North ultimately. She had an amazing character arc and to see that naive little girl become a real Queen is refreshing. Not sure how I feel about Arya’s ending. Bran sounds like he literally planned to be King all along so eh. Not sure I like that either. Not sure how I feel about Jon’s ending because he has no reason to listen to this “life sentence” since the only people really angry with him were the Unsullied (did the Dothraki even give a shit?). Yara was angry, but like... nobody from the Iron Islands would ever even see him if he was in Winterfell. Also the fact that Yara is totally cool with genocide kinda just ruined her character for me in a split second, so uhhh... yeah. I’m all with Arya there lol. Funny about Sansa though - didn’t Joffrey tell her “you’ll be Queen one day”? So... Joffrey was actually fuckin’ right? The one person who was right in this world was... J o f f r e y ?

Drogon crying was sad and emotional. Drogon is all alone. Drogon lost everything. Sansa won the Game. Drogon totally lost the Game. That’s not fair. :( I guess Ghost won though. Good on you, Ghost. You’re the best. But no, really; I’m really sad about Drogon. At least one dragon survived, but it’s still sad. :(

Final thoughts: I’m sad. GoT is over. It still doesn’t totally feel like it’s over because honestly, ngl, S8 was so bad that it doesn’t feel like... the whole season was... even... real. The last episode was pretty okay but a bit too sad for me. I understand it was meant to be bittersweet, but the bitter outweighed the sweet for me.

Final final thoughts: but what the fuck happened to daario i’m not satisfied with this ending the actors said we’d be satisfied what happened to daario.

[rikirachtman]

So, not really sure how to go about saying this. I don’t think there’s any non-melodramatic way to say “I’m about to kill myself” lmao. It’s a pretty heavy thing to have to publicly announce. My head’s a little scrambled at the moment, partly out of fear, partly out of exhaustion, partly out of just sheer emotion making it difficult to think coherently. If this whole thing ends up a little messy then I apologize, you’d think I’d sorta put more effort into what could be the last thing I ever write. I’m also pretty long-winded, scatterbrained, and like to ramble, so this is going to be a very, very long note.

It’s hard to pinpoint one specific reason why this is happening. Primarily I think it’s loneliness; I’ve been in three relationships in my entire life, all three of which have been long-distance deals, so there’s that. I’ve never had very many friends; people that talk to me on occasion, but that’s few and far between and I still spend long periods just too scared to leave the house. I know I’m pretty damn repulsive, and having not hugged or even touched another human being in months admittedly makes me feel just a tad more repulsive; I guess I’m just lonely, emotionally, physically, in general. I’ve spent every birthday since I was 11 alone in my room. I know I just kinda creep/gross people out, and that accounts for why I don’t really have any friends to hang around (I do have some, but still I don’t wanna overstay my welcome with them). The breakups I’ve experienced have pretty much been life-altering experiences for someone as bad at coping with loss as I am, and recent events concerning my previous ex have pretty much sent me over the edge, leaving my current partner to have to deal with me crying and moping about someone that I broke up with long ago anyway. I definitely make an effort to hide it (I think a lot of folks see me as disgusted by the concept of love pffft), but truth be told I think it’s the only thing that makes me happy anymore. Having what I had with my first girlfriend (who I remain friends with to this day) was an incredible experience, and the second was good too, up until the end when things fell apart thanks to my own mistakes, in both cases. My current boyfriend (yeah, sorry to my family for not really coming out about the whole “bi” thing until my death lmao, but uh there you go, hope nobody’s too disappointed) is an amazing human being who, frankly, I don’t deserve. I’d do anything to see him, but being separated like this is too much for me to handle. I can barely take another second of the jealousy I get when I see happy couples together everywhere I go and we’re still here separated. The fact that I have someone AT ALL is amazing of course, I truly thought I’d die alone, but I guess the bad things in life have outweighed the good.

There’s also the fact that I’m just in general kind of a piece of shit. I’m ugly, dishonest, completely talentless, hypocritical, overweight, over-emotional, unintelligent, lazy, whiny, weak, cowardly, I couldn’t think of a simple positive trait I possess. On top of being broke, alone, and sorta in the middle of nowhere, I’ve really got nothing going for me. The only thing I wanna do with my life is play music, and that’s not exactly gonna make me any money. I’ve been making plans for this since roughly the time of my first breakup, which I think again illustrates how absolutely garbage I am at letting go of things pffft. If that’s not enough, my second partner now being involved with someone new is one of the major events that’s sent me completely over the edge recently, which is pretty goddamn slimy for someone already in a relationship with an amazing human being, who has saved my life multiple times now. I’ve missed enough school (not through dislike of school, but because the stress is too much for my weak mind to deal with) that I think I’ve effectively thrown any future career options out the window. Ultimately I think it’s better for everyone if I’m gone; I’m unimportant, irritating, generally just not someone that I believe would be missed. A few of you might be upset for a while, I know, but you’d get over it, you’d get over me, I promise. I don’t feel the world is losing anything with me gone; at best it’ll be gaining something, assuming that I’m remotely important enough to cause any change either way pffft.

There’s so many lovely people out there who I’ve met in my life and I wish I could say goodbye to each and every one of you. Every person I’ve ever met has been an important part of this journey, even if I’ve had bad times. My mom, my dad, my brother, my grandparents, Sam, Lehi, Seth, Alyssa, Carrie, Cole, Zeke, Hala, Ian, Heidi, Dan, Ryvre, Brittany, Randi, Gray, Andrea, Athena, Maddie, Zeke, Josiah, Emma, Sinead, Koko, Natasha, Cierra, Kinzie, Morgan, Lily, Elia, Tyson, Jordan, Grace, Adie (you probably won’t ever read this, but still). Just to name a very, VERY small portion of the souls that I’ve encountered throughout my life, and whether we’ve had good times or bad times, I think everyone has had an affect on me in some way, which I’m forever grateful for. I’m sorry, however, that I couldn’t take that effect and put it to some use, and instead I’m squandering any potential I MAY have had (unlikely but eh) by ending my life.

I know some people might be hit harder than this by others. Mom, I know this is going to hurt you a lot, I know you’re going to feel at fault, or feel like your life is over. Please don’t think that, please. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain I’m inflicting on you by forcing to lose one of your own children, and I’m so, so, so sorry. I love you, please carry on, please be strong, please don’t blame yourself. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, thank you for raising me, I’m sorry things went this way. This goes for my brother, my dad, all my other relatives. I was lucky to have a good family, I’m grateful for that, truly. 

My closest friends, both those I’ve made in real life and those I’ve met on the internet because I’m a loser lmao, I love you all too, very much. My loneliness would be far more powerful if you weren’t all around for me. You’ve all contributed positively to my life, and I really hope I’ve been able to contribute to your lives as well. I wish I could go see each and every one of you before I do this, but I know I’m kind of a pain to be around and that’s understandable. I hope you all have great lives.

My boyfriend, Sam, who has outright saved my life multiple times and been a constant force of positivity in my life since we met. We’ve only known each other a short time, but it feels like so much longer, it feels like I’ve known you forever. I’m sorry I never got to see you in person, it was one of the last things I was holding out for, but it just looks so difficult to do at this stage. Please don’t blame yourself, please know you helped me hold on a lot longer than I would have without you. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to get over my past relationships, I can’t imagine how much that hurt you, dealing with that, with my moping, while you stayed up all night every night helping me. Thank you. You’re going to do great things with your life, I promise you, you’re an angel, my angel, don’t let this break you. Be safe, be brave, carry on like you always do, because you’re strong. I love you so much.

Now, with my long history of generally being a fuck-up, there’s a pretty massive chance I’m going to mess this up too. With my limited resources, I’ve had to choose a pretty risky method of hanging (shower curtain road is the strongest thing in this house lmao), and so it’s very likely the rod will break and I’ll fall. Now I want to make it clear that if that happens, if for whatever reason I end up paralyzed, brain damaged, or otherwise unable to communicate my wishes, I ask that you PLEASE, PLEASE end my life. Life is agonizing enough as it is, I cannot spend the rest of my days as vegetable. I am begging anyone who will listen to please just fucking kill me if I end up like that, I can’t do it, I’m too scared. If I do survive mostly unharmed and okay, then fuck, I dunno, maybe the experience of a failed suicide will make me realize “hey, I DO want to live after all”. I hope it does, because I don’t want to survive and still feel the way I do. But Jesus, this NEEDS to happen, one way or the other.

My head is really starting to hurt now, I’ll admit that the prospect of staring eternity in the face is a little scary. I don’t know what lies beyond death; I hope nothing, no existence, no thought, no feeling. That may sound scary now, but it won’t be once you get there because…I mean, you just WON’T be there to be scared in the first place. The idea of an eternity, no matter what kind, terrifies me, especially a hellish one. The fear of the afterlife, along with the fear of the pain and fear that will be going through my mind when I die, are the most major things that have stopped me from killing myself much sooner. However, the fear of life has overcome the fear of death, and I’m ready to try it.

I don’t really know what else to say. Anyone who wants my stuff can take whatever they’d like (unless mom wants to keep all my stuff, which is absolutely okay too), please choose a good picture (like I dunno, my current Facebook one or something) to use at my funeral (again, assuming anyone would show up, which is pretty unlikely haha, but ah well - bottom line, just don’t use one of those gross pictures of me in 7th grade, nasty stuff), please don’t dress me in my horrible pyjamas that I’m about to die in for the funeral, and again, please kill me if I become paralyzed/brain damaged/et cetera. I am so sorry for all the bad things I’ve done in my life, I’m sorry for inflicting my existence upon those who’d had to put up with it. I shouldn’t have been born in the first place, but better late than never, right?

I guess that’s that then. If I die I die, if I live I live, and if it’s the latter case then I’ll let you guys know. Once again, thank you all for having been a part of my life, I enjoyed it, I just didn’t enjoy myself. My dreams of starting a band, traveling the world, having children, those things might never be realized, but I didn’t deserve them anyway. I’m sorry to end this on such a whiny note, I really wanted to make this a little more lighthearted, I just don’t have it in me right now. My head hurts, I’m scared, but this has to be done.

I love you all, so very much, thank you for having made my experience in life better.  -Matt

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

by all means, continue ranting about makoto. thank you. honestly, the bank arc really was honestly terrible and the second worst written, right after the okumura’s arc. you’d think it’d turn out that the mob boss was the one responsible for her father’s death, but nope. she literally has no reason to join the pt or even be there.

Np, if my salt can bring relief I shall keep bringing it. 8U

Her only reason is to....redeem herself I think? It’d be nice if the Kamo arc wasn’t just referred to as “what he did to Shiho” love the girl, but there were other victims too yo. ;w; Also funny how she’s like “I shall redeem myself! I shall force these high school kids who might be the PT, to change a mob bosses heart! Help/apologize to the Kamo victims? Nah! :D” All she really did was join our team and participate in battles (which isn’t mandatory, can get through the game without using her). Plans? Ha, soon as she joins we don’t even attempt to sneak the treasure out ever again. Let us in? Technically we can let ourselves in, the game is just....I dunno....dumb?  

If she just had a stronger connection to Kane, doesn’t even have to be her dad (and while maybe too obvious, works in hindsight....compared to what we got). Hell, she could’ve just taken her own initiative seeing her sister stressed about him too! 

As for Okumura and dungeons(under cut)

....I actually....I don’t hate that arc as much as most people. IT’S POORLY WRITTEN DON’T GET ME WRONG (and I def get why Oku is considered one of the worst, my priorities are a bit different maybe?)! Does Haru dirty like no other. But like he def deserves to be there, and what they have is good potential. It’s just a good ol’ flub fest. But I def rank his better than Mako/Futaba’s. Mako because just.....it’s so insulting and pointless and boring. Futaba because of the lore mess it creates (her shadow self.....her....gd.....shadow self.....orz), and I don’t like how they deal with mental illness by the end of it (or Futaba lying about how we stole her heart. What heart?????? There was no treasure we stole NOTHING!). I take a little flubbing over the game insulting the player and characters any day (seriously the fact Mako’s arc tries as far as to lie about characters, Anne didn’t know about Kamo! Because of mixed messages! She’s not the same as Mako who did know and didn’t care! They aren’t the same! Quit saying Anne not helping Shiho because she didn’t know is the same as that! ;w;) ANd then PQ2 lies both about Mako and Oku arcs asdklfjafj;fjkflj kill me. Oku’s gonna throttle Haru’s arc and not give us a coherent backstory till the last two secs AFTER we steal his treasure, just a big ol’ flub fest? Fine. Is it gonna be a poor message on mental illness (Futaba’s 3ish year depression was cured after a week of ~friends~!) or destroy the lore (both P5′s and Persona in general, Futaba dungeon) or character/arc assassination left and right (Mako dungeon)? Hell no. I’ll take the Big Ol’ Flub Fest for 500 Alex!

Tbh my rankings go....ah balls....I hate most of them....or they’re either really negative or the negatives outweigh the positives.....and my thoughts on Mada go down every time I play, but Shido is just so bland and so is yaldy.....Tbh Oku brings more to the table than them, but the writing isn’t very competent. But like......I wanna say Mada’s arc gets points for being competent, but he’s like competent to like......the dead roadkill that is most of the other dungeons (with him being the barely alive cicada that’s gonna die in 5 min)......geez I’mma have to do two ranks, one for story/plot/chars, the other for just design (how it looks/puzzles)

“Story”: Kane<Futaba<Shido/Yaldy(can’t decide which is worse)<Mada/Oku<Oku/Mada<Sae<Royal<Kamo

Design: Kane/Shido/Mada<<<<<Futaba<<Oku/Kamo/Yaldy<Sae<Royal

(fun fact: I typed Mako instead of Kane to rep the 3rd dungeon and I had to go back and correct......some of it. Was it just a mistake or my brain thinking she’s the real villain of the 3rd arc? 8U Jk it was a mistake, sometimes I call the arks by the villains names and sometimes by the char that joins....sans Kamo, but what if fdjasfklajf;j)

Design/puzzle wise, I just....find Kane/Shido/Mada’s boring as all hell. Slog to get through (Mada just hurts my eyes tbh). Futaba’s bad too, it’s just ranked higher cause I like egyptian stuff but it’s as lively as the dead bodies tombs hold. Oku/Kamo/Yaldy tie because....they have something I like but don’t blow me away but I don’t mind going through the dungeon cause there’s something I like. Kamo I just like the atmosphere only downside is no puzzels, Yaldy I like the atmosphere (well more the Mementos part tbh than the city part, probably cause it reminds me of Izanami kfdsljafaj;f) and the one puzzle (fav puzzle in the game, wish there were more). Oku hurts my eyes tbh and is a bit of a slog, but I like the airlock puzzle A LOT, I know other’s don’t but it’s one of the few good puzzles ok? ;w; Sae it’s pure atmosphere, love the casino vibe and music. Royal is the same, atmosphere and music, but I also like the puzzle (not as much as Yaldy’s or Oku but I still like it a lot). 

Story wise.....yeah.... I already quickly talked about Kane/Futaba. Shido and Yaldy I don’t hold in a very high regard (Shido as a concept is neat but execution is boring as sin....haha sin......), Yaldy is just a knock off Nyarly trying to be a knock off Izanami (you can’t be both Yaldy, you have to choose one! They are too different! Tbh you’re worse than Kagu, at least Kagu was just trying to be Nyarly! You’re ripping off two antagonists instead of one!). Mada/Oku flip flop. Oku is......a freaking mess, but I do find him very interesting, they did him and Haru so dirty (but the potential is there). Mada I feel like he’s a discount Kamo, and they don’t go as far and they focus too much on Yusuke rather than all the other victims (I hate he let his mom die, not cause it’s a horrible thing, but it felt unnecessary like they were marking a box off as if he already wasn’t bad enough). I feel like the game tries to make us forgive this guy more than Oku tho, and they don’t do a good enough job exploring a lot of these complex emotions (esp during the arc) for it to really work (on me at least). But yeah fun fact, Yusuke def didn’t need to join like Mako, game’s devs kinda shot themselves in the foot for both. Didn’t need Mako to get through the door (since we had also become Kane’s “guests”), don’t need Yusuke cause we can get through the door (via a window, via walking AROUND the electric fence) and thus no need for shenanigans. Sae has similar issues as Mada’s in terms of devs lack of noticing the surroundings they made and how we can get around them, also writing issues but not as bad as Mada (not great tho but eh). Royal’s has A LOT of great ideas which I love....there are issues tho (I need to refresh/reevaluate them). I think my thoughts on the dungeon when I played the JPN ver was “this is wasted on P5.” Kamo I just think is solid, and that’s a lot for P5......with it’s shaky ass foundation, Kamo was the damn pillar holding it together (not really akslfdjafj;).