#the love shared inherently between people who cant remember why

[wolfywolfy]

Genuinely I love Julian's route in The Arcana so much. The potential of it, this inherent pull towards someone and you don't understand why -- he's admitted guilt to murder yet you can't help but feel this strange insistence that he's innocent. You don't know how, but your body, mind, & soul are screaming at you that this man that you have never met before is good, he's not what others say he is, he's not what he himself says he is; and then you learn that he doesn't even remember what happened, he just assumes he's the guilty party because he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he was. Why else would he forget unless it was an unbearable guilt he couldn't bear the weight of?

And, on top of it all, he has this same strange familiarity with you. How does he feel when he sees you in the shop and his heart stutters? When suddenly his aimless searching for something feels resolved, when he looks at you and everything feels right? He doesn't know you and yet his body remembers.

The mutual amnesia of people who used to be extremely close. He sees you for what he thinks is the first time ever, but his body is telling him no, we know them, we miss their touch. And you, the apprentice, slowly realizing you're feeling the same things? You immediately trust him because, before you forgot, he was your partner. Your mentor. Somebody you were so incredibly, incredibly close to, but you died and he blamed himself and everything crumpled and he made himself forget so it could never happen again and then --

There you are. And neither of you remember, but at the same time, some part of you does. The muscle memory never left. He touches you so casually, pats your arms and grabs your hand and leads you around the alleys as if it's second nature because it is. He dreams of your face and his torment and of losing you, and doesn't realize that it was real, and that his body itches to hold you because that part of him can't bear to lose you again.

I am obsessed with it. How many little tells are there, really, that the two of you share and hint at it being an old habit from times forgotten? How many little touches used to be daily routines? How many flutters of visions aren't just passing thoughts and wishes, but memories?

You think of how hard it would be to kiss Julian with a plague mask on, and his response is "Imagine trying with two of them," because he wanted to kiss you when you were his apprentice, when you were both desperate and tired and aching and tortured by the plague with only each other's company as a comfort. Maybe that's why you had the thought of kissing him in the first place, too -- but neither of you know why the subject was brought up, neither remember, yet some parts of you do.

Ugh. I love it. And when Julian finally does regain his memories? And he realizes you're real and you're here and you've been here, and he has been able to touch you and hold you this whole time, but now he can truly appreciate it, but he's also horrified with the weight of losing you all over again. Oh my God. It's so good. The potential underlying thoughts and emotions are so good.

[fairycosmos]

I hate Instagram culture so much and even tho I've tried once I never used it but i feel so much pressure to do so all the time!!! And sometimes i take cute pictures and wanna share them somewhere so I kinda get tempted to use it, i never do tho. Even the thought of it kinda makes me sick but y'know how we want to feel appreciated/accepted but at the same time hide ourselves? That's the feeling. Anyway sorry to bother you, love you the most lol

bro how did u just summarize my entire adolescence in like one paragraph lmao….for real, i cant tell you how much i understand where you’re coming from. i think a lot of people experience this duality between wanting to be seen, but not wanting to engage in that sort of environment. it’s enough to drive anyone mad. honestly the app itself could have actually been pretty cute initially, just sharing cool pics of your life with your loved ones. yeah it’s performative but it didn’t have to progress into what it is now…..a total cesspool of ads, completely fabricated realities, rich people trying to get richer and mental illness inducing mindsets. it’s completely bizarre. i want to say that you can use insta healthily if you’re not too involved, if you’re careful about who you follow and who follows you, but part of me knows you’ll still be exposed to dumb shit just by being on there. it’s why i cant stay on for too long. it’s so much falsity, all the time and it’s fucking tiring. i think as teenagers/young adults, our identities are inherently tied into our online lives. we’re literally raised to seek validation from it, it’s basically second nature at this point. which is fucking weirddddd because it’s not like we’re portraying an entirely accurate image of ourselves, due to the fast paced bite sized nature of social media itself. it’s a good way to be seen without showing the parts of yourself that you want to hide. and that’s not exactly healthy, despite how easy and ideal it sounds. so point is think it’s important to remember that there are so many ways to be appreciated and known besides getting likes or curating a certain image. of course it’s natural to want to try, to want to share your creativity. and you should absolutely keep taking fun pics and showing them to ppl!  but your mental health is always more important. i think a lot of ppl my age and younger don’t realize just how much they’re compromising their own stability/sense of self by endlessly chasing a lifestyle that is designed to be unattainable….anyway i love you more!! and i hope you’re okay. i know it’s weird to be stuck between two mindsets. if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, just let me know :)

[kiwibirdlafayette]

Alright good god I needed to share this cause I had stumbled upon this screenshot on google one day while looking for references (if anyone knows who took it let me know so i can link the post cause I cant remember op) and-

Well, I made some interesting observations after trying to read the flag of presumably, Arthur, and how it actually ties into the central motif of the show itself. 

A bit of an essay ahead, feel free to read if you’d like 

First off, the flag. For the past few days I’ve been trying to figure out what those characters were (mostly because it’s just really blurry) and it finally occured to me that those are Trollish text (y’know like the ones that appear in Brief Recapitulation of Troll Lore)

While it still is kind of difficult to read even while sharpening and brightening the image, the best transcription I can get out of it is written in the annotations, which, according to the chart prior, roughly translates to “king”.

This, of course, isn’t the intriguing part as the individual holding the flag is obviously already meant to be interpreted as a king, even without it (as he wears a blatant crown atop his head to depict his status) The part that really got me is the fact that theres Trollish text there in the first place.

Back in season 1 when Blinky’s discussing the history of trolls, one very important thing he says is: “For centuries, the troll and human worlds stood separate and at peace” (Season 1, Episode 4), meaning it doesn’t seem likely that Camelot and Pre-Glastonbury Trollmarket would have shared a written language, unless there was more interspecies interactions then we have been led to believe. We’ll come back to this in a second. 

Then theres the whole concept of the infamous museum mural, which becomes interestingly relevant to this particular theory with the show already possessing a recurring red/blue color motif throughout.

Evident in the dichotomy between Eclipse/Daylight, Troll Jim/Gunmar, red and blue seems to play a pivotal role in depicting the two sides of the shows internal moral conflict. However, this heartbeat conflict isn't a simplistic moral battle regarding the matter “good vs evil”, but rather, it’s “war v. peace”

Think about it. If blue= good and red=evil, why is Gunmar and the Darkland’s so heavily associated with blue? Or why is Jim, the key protagonist, dressed in red for his defining moment in season 3 when he defeats Gunmar? 

Instead, blue is meant to be war, and red is meant to be peace, but also separation. Just as Gunmar, (pre-gold colorations) intends to bring war to the surface lands to regain control (furthered even by the fact that the Decimaar blade is blue, and represents control for war), the Daylight armor was created for a single purpose: battle. It is, after all, knights armor. And while you could argue, yes Eclipse was also created for the purpose of battle, its true inherent purpose wasn’t to fight to protect, it was created solely to defeat Gunmar, the source of war. 

(Completely ignoring the premonition of 3Below and Wizards for a second), it isn’t until after Gunmar’s defeat that separation and (temporary) peace seems to have occurred. Arcadia settles down, and the majority of troll world once again becomes separate from humanity with Jim, Blinky and a good amount of Trollmarket trekking off to New Jersey. 

As pointed out by Tuna on the THCC discord, the character who is most likely Merlin carries a horngazel, an element of the show associated with bridges, and gateways (which, typically insinuates separation between two realms) whereas the woman (perhaps Morgana?) to the other side of Arthur carries a knife, a connotation of war. Such observations would ultimately suggest that maybe separation of the worlds is what Merlin has wanted all along. 

Consider: Merlin is the one entirely who suggests moving to New Jersey, he’s the one who turns Jim “red” in the first place. And even in the portrait, it’s him who’s more dominantly clad in red (between the two, with the blue of his main outfit maybe being a closer indication to his allegiance to Arthur as court colors) whereas Morgana (maybe even Morgause?), who appears to be suggesting war/violence, is dressed entirely in blue. Specifically, the shade of blue seen on Gunmar and on the soldiers in the mural. 

Now, returning to the issue of Arthur and the Trollish banner, what if the banner isn’t just an indication of his status as King of Camelot, but rather, its trying to communicate something. It’s fairly evident in a lot of Arthuriana that one of Arthur’s main goals has been to unite all of the Britons, and in the case of ToA, this could have included the non-human residents as well. 

Perhaps, in an attempt to unite the two realms, Arthur decides that he would try to make peace with them, as red too, is the color of peace, using the banner as a way of showing to them that Camelot does not seek war, but understand and alliance. However, his advisor, Merlin, disagrees, Believing that trolls and humans should stay separate. Morgana, who maybe already had some kind of ill will against the society of trolls (which is a bit inconsistent with her ‘mother of monsters’ narrative but I wont go into this since it isn’t my area of expertise), is convinced the only way to gain their allegiance is via violence/control. People of Camelot catch wind of the king’s plans, and maybe they start taking sides.

And perhaps it is this very particular sequence of events is what leads to the occurrence we see depicted in the museum mural. The two forces of peace/war coming into conflict with one another that it just ends with the two worlds remaining separate for the rest of time. Merlin and Morgana, now in conflict with one another, and trolls and humans staying out of reach from one another.

 From there, maybe Arthuriana occurs as it would have, including Mordred, the Grail and the Battle of Camelann, all the way to the king becoming a troll we all know and love (but that’s a story for another post)

So Tldr; This image, overall is meant to be Arthur, aiming to bring together the communities of humans and trolls alike begins developing plans of peace offerings, learning their language and using it as means to gain an alliance. However, because of Merlin’s desire to prevent this alliance, and Morgana/Morgause’s belief they will not accept non-violent means, Camelot instead falls to an everlasting moral division of peace vs. war that continues on as a motif in the show canon, that is not yet concluded despite Jim’s defeat of Gunmar.

[go-diane-winchester]

5 Reasons why Supernatural is not queer baiting you [and is not stuck in the closet]

This is an edited repost.

Interpretation of any piece of art and literature is one of the fun aspects of being human.  You use your imagination to analyze a loved work from every angle so as to increase your pleasure of said work.  However, if you present your interpretation as if it is a fact, and it results in harassment, bullying and threats for actors involved in a show, then it becomes a problem.  Why do some fans accuse Supernatural of queer baiting, whilst others are vehemently opposed?  Why is it not a universal argument in fandom?  It is because the former don’t admit that their interpretations are just that: interpretation.  Bi Dean arguments have no basis in canon, and proponents of Bi Dean in fact refuse to acknowledge canonical oppositions to their interpretations.  The vehement opposers of Bi Dean actually respect canon.  Truth is universal and canon is truth. 

1.  Dean was not born from gratuitously bisexual inspiration

As a fiction writer myself, I know that an original character is not easy to put together.  You have to do a character analysis [I believe in using a homemade template, myself], character background [because it should shape what the character becomes in the current canon] and formulation of their physical attributes as well as wardrobe.  I, in fact, include things like medical history and diet choices in my own template to get a feel for the character that I want.  But every writer is different and chooses a different approach.  Eric Kripke had a clear idea of what he wanted his characters to be.

For the character personalities

Kripke wanted them to be like Han Solo and Luke Skywalker.  Han Solo was a cavalier renegade who had no respect for authority and fits in with Dean’s overall personality.  Dean doesn’t care if he is talking to an FBI agent, a priest or even his own father.  If you say something wrong, he will correct you and he has done that in canon.  If you have given him a reason to hate you, trust Dean to let you know, right to your face.  Dean doesn’t kiss up to authority.  He is the quintessential bad boy. 

Luke Skywalker is the polar opposite of Han.  He does things by the book.  He wears his heart on his sleeve and shows more empathy and emotion than his counterpart Han.  Sam is all of this and, like Luke, gives off an air of innocence, and sporadically the viewer feels the need to protect him because of said innocence.  Despite the fact that Sam has grown up and out of his chocolate boy features,  he still remains the quintessential good boy. 

There are many tropes at play here that fiction writers cling to.  The polar opposite trope is favored because it provides room for friction.  Imagine how Supernatural would be, if Dean and Sam just agreed with each other all the time.  It would make for bland viewing.  Sometimes they are on the same page.  Some times they aren’t.  Polarizing characters make for more vivid story telling and [particularly in our fandom] forces you to pick a side.  In other words, it keeps you invested in the characters.  The polar opposite trope can also be used for two enemies who are stuck in the same situation.  And in some cases, one of them is the overall baddie in the story.  It is not just a friendship trope.

Another well known trope that is being used here, is the much-loved buddy formula.  The buddy formula is used by a lot by screenwriters, because it is so popular with audiences, and can share similarities with the polar opposite trope.  Essentially the buddy formula contains two characters and even though they may be polar opposites, they tend to have a deep affection for each other.  Cagney and Lacey, Riggs and Murtaugh, Thelma and Louis and finally, Sam and Dean are example thereof. 

At this juncture, I would like to laughingly point out that Bi Dean advocates will cling to Thelma and Louis as proof of bi dean, because of the possible lesbian subtext.  Stop right there.  I watched Thelma and Louis, and I felt that they were fed up friends, almost sisters who didn’t want to live in the world any more.  I didn’t see any subtext.  If you did, good for you.  It increases your viewing pleasure.  However, as a straight woman, I have my own interpretation and it is just as significant as yours.  Hilariously, Sam and Dean have referred to themselves as Thelma and Louis.  So you cant use that to proof Dean is bi, because essentially you will be proving wincest. 

The difference between the buddy formula and the polar opposite trope is the affection that is inherently mixed into the buddy formula.  Buddies are more affectionate with each other.  In one of the Lethal Weapon movies, Riggs walks into Murtaugh’s kitchen, plants a kiss on Mrs Murtaugh’s cheek, walks up to Murtaugh and nonchalantly plants a kiss on his cheek as well, before going to raid the food storage.  Murtaugh doesn’t react negatively.  That scene was added for many reasons but there are two important reasons:  [1] to show the affection between the two, which is platonic [2] to get a laugh out of the audience by showing how irritatingly unaware Riggs is, that Murtaugh is angry with him. 

Murtaugh even “sensed” that Riggs was drowning and saved him, telling Riggs “I heard you, Riggs.  I heard you, baby.’‘  Yes, that is an actual line from Lethal Weapon and it proves that they love each other.  How you perceive their love is up to you.  Affectionate name calling is used in the buddy formula and is also apparent in Sam and Dean’s interaction as well. 

Is Cas an affectionate shortening of the name Castiel?  Both Dean and Sam call him Cas?  Maybe.  Or it maybe because the name Castiel doesn’t syllabically roll off the tongue.  It’s an ancient name and for modern day Sam and Dean, saying the full name is verbally cumbersome.  So they opted for Cas.  If the shortening of the name means Dean is in love with Cas, then it easily means Sam is in love with Cas too.  Oddly, despite the character name of Samuel being shortened to Sam, by Dean so it will roll of the tongue during a conversation, Dean actually adds a syllable and called him Sammy out of affection.  So for Sammy, the ’'name is too long and cumbersome’' excuse flies out the window.  Sammy gets used even when Dean is in a hurry, angry or affectionate.  It is a part of his personal lexicon.     

For the character backdrop

Part of Kripke’s logline for Supernatural and its backdrop included “Star Wars in truck stop America,”.  Another trope comes into play here:  The fish out of water.  In earlier seasons, the studious and preppy Sam clashed with the dustbowl Americana surroundings and its people.  Dean fit in.  Dean is salt of the earth.  Sam is more aware of the world beyond the dustbowl Americana because he is an intellectual.  Another part of the logline was ’'X Files meets Route 66”.  Route 66 is about two guys [Todd, the Yale graduate good boy and Buz, the street smart fighter bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks]  who go on a road trip across North America, encountering and solving social problems along the way, while trying to find a place to settle and find how they themselves fit into their world.  Kripke picked very accurate loglines for Supernatural, because Todd and Buz are exactly like Sam and Dean.  But they had names that Kripke didn’t like.  I don’t blame him. 

For the character names  

Bi Dean advocates always use the name Dean as being proof of Bi Dean.  Kripke chose both the names of his main characters from Jack Kerouac’s Beat Generation classic On the road.  it is not an LGBT classic.  It was a universal classic that just happened to have a bisexual character.  The characters were Dean Moriarty and Sal Paradise.  That is all he took from the work.  He didn’t take the road trip idea from On the road.  He took it from Route 66.  Even the polarizing characters were taken from Route 66.  All he took was the names, and even then, he wasn’t happy with Sam’s previous name so he changed one alphabet.  He took nothing else.  And that is the one thing Bi Dean advocates cling to.  There is no unique similarity between On the road and Supernatural.  Or between Dean Winchester and Dean Moriarty, for that matter, other than one character sharing a name with another.  I can understand why he stuck with Dean.  The name just has an All-American ring to it.

Bi Dean advocates argue that the bisexual Dean Moriarity was inspired by a real bisexual man called Neal Cassidy.  What they fail to realize is that Moriarity and Cassidy were not only bisexual but also pedophiles.  Dean Winchester is not a pedophile. 

Don't dig into Kerouac’s character's backstory to try and prove that Dean from Supernatural is bi, whilst ignoring the backstory of Supernatural own formulation.  That is called over reaching, and some fans use this unsteady theory to threaten the leads and plant accusations of bigotry.  Jensen has received online abuse for this and his reputation is completely tarnished with accusations of homophobia.     

2.  Castiel’s wardrobe choice does not reflect on Dean’s sexual orientation

I remember watching a scene from That’s 70’s Show, where Fez confessed to having an erotic dream about Kelso.  Kelso is shocked and declares “Do you know what this means?  Its means I’m gay”.  This fandom is proof, that Kelso is not unique in his stupidity.  Our fandom has a rich supply of ignorance, conveniently shrouded in social justice, so that when you successfully contradict them, they can just call you a bigot and quieten you down. 

For Castiel, Kripke only took wardrobe inspiration from John Constantine, a famous bisexual character.  That is it.  He took nothing else.  Trenchcoats are wardrobe items and not a sign of an individual’s sexuality.  Constantine was bisexual.  Columbo was straight but also wore a trenchcoat.  There is no unique similarity between Castiel and Constantine.  Constantine is a man, an occult detective, a humanitarian and is best known for his sarcasm.  Does that sound like Castiel to you?  Castiel is an angel [a very useless one], a killer of many innocent people, a displacer of angels and very rarely says something mildly sarcastic.  And if the trench coat makes Castiel bi, how does that reflects on Dean? 

3.  Castiel’s sexual orientation is not complex, neither is it reflective of Dean’s sexuality

Castiel is not human, and therefore is not shackled by human limitations.  He is not even a “he”.  He doesn’t have any preferences, nor does he canonically have any sexual desire except for Meg, whom he willingly kissed.  But that might be borne out of his love for her and her relentless pursuit of him.  His bond with Meg was not sexual.  When he became human, sexual desire awoken in him and he slept with a woman merely because she hit on him and he was curious.    But he doesn’t do that in his angel state.  He doesn’t seek out sex in his angel state because he has no human, physical desire.  Canonically, he doesn’t even have a soul, so how he and Dean can be seen as soul mates baffles me.  Nobody else has relentlessly pursued Castiel accept Meg.  Dean hasn’t.  Dean kicked him out of the bunker despite the fact that he was vulnerable because Sam’s host Gadreel had a problem with him.  Dean doesn’t love Castiel, nor does Dean pursue him.  He looks for Sammy when Sammy is missing, but doesn’t do that for Castiel.  Dean doesn’t sympathize with Castiel’s pain, even telling Castiel once “nobody cares that you are broken”.

4.  Dean cannot, textually, be interpreted as a bisexual unless you relinquish common sense  

Most of the canon examples of bi dean can easily be explained away. 

Dean is not giving Charlie flirting pointers because he has hit on men before.  He is himself a man, and know what he wants to hear from a woman and what would get him interested or distracted.  By the end of the scene, both Dean and Charlie who like women and not men, felt dirty.  And Sammy laughed through the whole thing because he knew how uncomfortable his brother was.  Because Sammy, who was raised by Dean, knows his brother.  Dean wont keep his bisexuality from Sam, because he has no reason to.  Sam is not narrow-minded.

In the context of this scene, when Castiel just berated Dean, only a true intellectual maverick is going to think that Dean is inviting Castiel to a impromptu session of fellatio.  Because that would make sense for the whole vessel scene, wouldn’t it, geniuses.  For people, who are not soaked in delusion, Dean is countering Castiel’s berating with disrespect because he is angry.  I cant believe this needs to be explained because “blow me” is a popular colloquial slang, used to insult someone.  Have none of the bi dean advocates ever heard that term before?  Do they think “scr*w yourself” means “Go and masturbate right now”?  Which rock to they live under?

Dean is not flirting with the sheriff here.  He is drunk.  There is a reason, a drunk person’s testimony doesn’t fly in court.  You don’t take a drunk person seriously.  The deputy isn’t flirting back either.  He is just amused by the compliment which he didn’t earn or deserve.  He even asks Sam beforehand if the other “agent” is drunk.  He is probably amused by a drunk, anxious agent hanging around the station.

The gif is wrong.  He didn’t say hi.  He said doctor.  I am touchy about this one because Jensen got a death threat over it.  The idea that a man can only be a fan of a male celebrity because he wants to sleep with the male celebrity, is completely insulting and a failure to understand male psychology.  Dean’s flustered facial expression here is used for two reasons.  [1]  that is how some fans, both male and female behave, and [2] its hilarious to watch Dean fanboying.  This is a humor device and nothing else.  Even blushing is not a sign of attraction.  If your teacher compliments your work in front of the entire class, and you blush, does it mean that you are in love with Mrs Haggerty from Science Lab? 

Ah, the birth of Performing!Dean.  Performing!Dean doesn’t exist.  He has no reason to.  Because Dean has no motivation to stay in the closet and hide his supposedly feminine bisexual self behind a toxic masculine façade.  Sam is not giving us clues of Dean’s bisexuality.  He is taunting his big brother because that is what obnoxious little brothers do.  Remember, the hotelier thought that they both were gay.  Sam only picked on Dean here, because only Dean has an issue with it.  He isn’t a homophobe but a proud straight man. 

Dean doesn’t care about the human state of the world.  He doesn’t care about human issues like racism, sexism and the lgbt.  He will categorize you as a human being and protect you, if you gave him a reason to.  He doesn’t care how you look, which way you swing, and how you pray.  If you give him a reason to like you, he will like you.  If you give him a reason to hate you, he will hate you.  Dean will only care if you are useful to him in his hunt.  The hunt is his life and his motivation to hunt is Sam and keeping Sam close and safe.  Dean is not pro or anti anything.  If you are human, you matter.  That is why de-graced Castiel is left out of hunts, because without any power, Cas is “basically a baby in a trenchcoat”, in other words, utterly useless to them.  But if Sam’s wall breaks, hold the phone. 

He doesn’t judge your sexual orientation.  He has worked with gay and bi people before, like Charlie and the gay hunting couple. So he is not  a bigot.  However he isn’t used to men hitting on him.  He almost throws up because the Chief from the BDSM club [Criss Angel is a douchebag] describes what he is planning to do to Dean and asks for a safe word, and he is flustered by Aaron because he doesn’t know how to react.  He wasn’t expecting Aaron to tell that very clever lie.  He didn’t bother telling Aaron he was straight.  Of course, bi Dean advocates think that is significant, and how he closed his badge is also significant. 

It is.  It shows that Dean is compassionate.  He was ready to punch Aaron in the face for following him.  But when Aaron lies about being attracted to Dean, Dean lets him down easily.  What was he supposed to say to a man he thinks he will never meet again:  “Look dude, I am not queer.  We didn’t have any moment.’'  Dean quietly packs away his badge, because he realized that he brandished it at the wrong person.  Another reason is that Dean is an arrogant man when it comes to his looks and doesn’t mind a compliment.  So he isn’t going to break the heart of the person complimenting him.  He is compassionate but he has an ego.  That is why he was disappointed that Aaron had successfully fooled him by inflating his ego.  Because he did it so easily and Dean must have wanted to kick himself for falling for it. 

Dean being born in the Bible Belt of America means nothing.  His father was an atheist.  He was too, until he came face to face with an angel.  He acknowledges the Divine exists, but he believes in free will.  He spent most of his life, traipsing around America.  Its not like he stuck it out in the Bible belt area.  He has no religious reason to be in the closet.  He raised Sam and Sam isn’t a bigot, so Sam wont have a problem with him being bisexual.  Dean has no motivation to hide himself from Sam because, in many ways, Sam is his child and knows him.  If Dean was bi, Sam would have figured it out.

Dean is sexually not a vanilla person when it comes to sex, and despite where he was born, he is a sexually outspoken, kinky, loudmouth who admits to wearing his date’s underwear, not because he is feminine, but because he is a kinky little dirt bag who will do anything the date says, so he can close the deal with her.  Wearing her underwear is not proof that he is bisexual, because there are bisexual men who don’t wear women’s clothing and this is insulting to them.

5.  Dean and Castiel do not make a better couple than any of their love interests

Castiel had only one genuine love interest.  Meg.  And this union between two polar opposite characters in human vessels, is certainly more compelling than the blank stares that Dean and Castiel shared until their screen time decreased, much to Jensen’s happiness.  Meg took care of Castiel despite being a demon.  Dean kicked Castiel out of the bunker for Sam’s benefit.  Meg pursued Castiel.  Dean let Castiel to swop places mentally with Sam, so Sam could leave the asylum, safe and healthy, whilst Castiel remained in the asylum, broken and damaged.  He never pursued Castiel or took care of him. 

Dean only had one girlfriend.  And she was Cassie.  The name Cassie does not foreshadow destiel.  Cassie didn’t work out because she was far too involved in worldly things like racism and he cared about the supernatural world.  She was an intellectual and he was a high school drop out.  She is actually a lot like Sam, and they would actually make sense as a couple.  Dean never loved Lisa.  Canonically, he only shacked up with her, because Sam forced him.  And when Lisa realized that, she let him go. 

Castiel and Dean don’t make sense as a couple because Castiel has lied to Dean about many things.  There are some things he hasn’t come clean about, to Sam and Dean, e.g. opening up the Panic Room door and letting Sam free.  He used the mixed tape to double cross Dean, so the mixed tape is a proof of Castiel’s betrayal.  It is not proof of destiel.  The whole Leviatian affair is Castiel’s fault.  And although Dean does take Castiel like a brother, canonically, he wont sell his soul for Castiel, like he did for Sammy.  Using slowed down gifs of Dean and Cas staring blankly at each other, doesn’t proof that Dean is bisexual.  Every time Dean stares at a man, its doesn’t mean he is attracted to that person. 

The show is not queer baiting you by leaving subtextual easter eggs in the frame.  They don’t have time for that.  Because they average one episode a week.  They are working at a break neck speed.  They don’t have the time to indulge fannish nonsense.  Everyone associated with the show have said that Dean is not bi.  I don’t mind you interpreting, but when you force it on Jensen and threaten him when he doesn’t like it, you are being a vile and disgusting predatory beast.  The only person who is reinforcing destiel, claimed at Jaxcon that Dean is bisexual and is queer baiting you is Misha Collins.  Go take it up with him.

[dark-angel666]

You have your mothers eyes

Summary: You and the boys tell jack that family isn’t just in blood but in those around you....I guess idk I’m bad at summaries. Enjoy! or not I can’t tell ya what to do. 

You walked into the bunkers library to find Cas, Sam and Jack all working separately in silence. You’re eyes scanned the room and fell on Jack sitting gazing at a book not really reading it but more staring at the words lost in thought, you lightly placed yourself down in a chair beside him trying no to startle him “Penny for your thoughts” you asked peeking your head around behind the book to get his attention. Jack sprung to life “uhh I umm” looked at you muddled “Its an expression” your words fell flat in your throat and decided you explain it another time “whats on your mind you seem…distant” you asked him genuinely concerned. Jack closed the book and placed it silently on the table “Am I going to be like my father?” his voice flowed heavily from behind his lips, the room grew smaller as all attention fell to you and Jack. “Why do you ask that jack?” Cas inquired looking probingly at Jack. “I heard Dean telling Sam that he's as stubborn as their father, so I started reading about inherited behaviours” Jack said tapping the psychology book he has been reading…well staring at mostly. “Jack just because Lucifer is bad doesn't mean you will be” Sam said doing his best to reassure Jack. “But it says that children inherit behavioural traits from their parents how can anything i inherit from Lucifer not be evil” Jack said his voice rising a little, he was encompassed with fear at what he could become. You placed a hand on Jacks shoulder “Jack traits aren't inherently good or evil its how you use them” Jack looked at you his eyes almost begging for answers. You found your words carefully before speaking “Jack I've seen some of your fathers traits in you” Castiel went to interject but you threw him a look imploring him to trust you know what you were doing. “You have his determination” Jacks face paled with fear, you gripped his shoulder tighter “but Jack determination isn’t evil its a firmness of purpose Jack, sure Lucifers determination usually is for the purpose of destroying the world” you shrugged your shoulders in a comedic fashion in an attempt to lighten the situation to little success “BUT Jack your determination has been used to save people”. Colour returned to Jacks face “Jack your determination brought Mary back to her boys, it saved so many people from Michael and this thirst for destruction” Jack nodded at you gingerly. “Jack you may have traits of his but you will never be him, anyway you got so much more from your mother” Jack looked eagerly at you wanting to hear more. 

“You have your mothers eyes ”Jack looked up at you quizzically delicately tracing his under eyes “but my eyes are blue” A soft giggle escaped the corner of your mouth at his confusion, you brought his hand into yours “no jack what I mean is” you looked around the table for Sam’s laptop “here” you said pulling the laptop in front of you both and opening the video file of kelly. “I love you so much” kelly cried sweetly before you paused the video “Look into her eyes jack what do you see?”. Jack lightly titled his head at you questioningly ‘Go on” you nodded to the screen. Jack turned and studies his mother eyes intently “Tears and sadness” he said lowering his head to his chest, you placed a hand under his chin and guided his eyes to yours. “Oh jack, do you wanna know what I see?” he nodded gently. you pulled the screen closer to you both and made sure jack was focused on his mothers eyes. “Jack when I look into your mothers eyes the first thing I see is love so so much love and an unending pool of kindness. I also see hope and faith and the unbreakable desire to do good” Jacks listened intently as he scanned his mothers eyes taking in every word. you gave him a moment before bringing his eyes back to yours “and when I look into your eyes jack I see that same love and kindness, and faith but most of all I see that same desire to do good and be good”. Jack smiled warmly at you “That jack is why you have your mothers eyes, not for the colour of them but for the soul in them and they are so beautiful” jack leant back in his chair and started at the image of his mother smiling at her eyes as if only seeing them for the first time. 

You looked up to see Sam and Castiel looking at you smiling and nodding at you in agreement, you studied Castiels face. “And you've got Castiels face” Cas gave you the same look jack had given you moments before as he tilted his head, you shook your head gently and smiled “I mean much much younger looking tho” you giggled out, your giggle was joined by a slight chuckle from Sam. While jack and Cas wore mirroring looks of perplexity at your statement “ I swear they do that on purpose” you said to Sam gesturing at their shared expression. You and Sam shared a chuckle before you moved on to clarify your statement “What I mean is that you don't just get things from the family you are born of you are also made up of the family you are born into” their expressions softened a little but you knew you needed to further explain yourself. “The people around us help form who we are and in you jack I see elements of people like Cas and Sam and Dean” you saw a glimmer of pride in Jacks face he liked hearing himself compared to the men he looked up to, he looked eager to hear more as did Cas and Sam. “You’ve got a face that has seen more pain and death than any face ever should see” Jacks eyes grew sad “but its a face that never truly loses hope” Jack looked up at Cas and studied his face. “Cas has been through so much, he has made mistakes and seen atrocities but he's never given up not truely” You looked deeply into Castiels face remembering all the times before that you have looked to that same face for hope. “No matter how low we have been, no matter how hopeless the situation I can always look to Cas and see hope because he never gives up, not on us, not on heaven, not on you and I see that same hope in you” you looked to Jack as he watched you intently “your face wears signs of war but is not worn by war, its still so bright and full of hope” you delicately cup jacks cheek in your hand as he gently leans into it. “You also have the same nose” You say as pull you hand from his cheek and ‘Boop’ Jacks nose. Jack and Cas both look at each other while examining their noses, Sam just looks at them giving an acknowledging nod and slight hum “hmmm”. 

Jack then turns back to you tentatively waiting for you to continue, you look between Jack and Sam before landing on a point in your mind. “You have Sam’s voice” the room is silent, no one quite sure how to respond to that, “Metaphorically” you say rolling your eyes a little. Jack nods at you if understanding but the utter vacant look on his face makes his confusion clear, you sigh gently “Sam is a walking fountain of knowledge, inspiring speeches, logic, reason and kind words” Sam looked at you with an unsure but thankful look “ no matter how far off the deep end the people around him go Sam is always there to call their name and pull them back, he has talked me off many a ledge” Sam’s eyes lit up quizzically, you could feel his glaze burrow into you. “Whether he knows it or not Sam has come to me in my darkest hours, moments before going out on reckless hunt or to do something just down right dumb and even just a simple conversation is filled with words of wisdom spoken through unrelenting kindness” Jack nodded in agreement remembering the times Sam has reassured him of his worth and that he is indeed good. “And you have that same voice jack, a voice bathed in kindness and full of love for those around you” Jack smiled widely at you full of pride. “And you've got Deans heart”. They all looked at you as if fully understanding what you meant but still wanting you to continue, “Dean has such a big heart full of the desire to do good” your head hung slightly “but so caught up in turmoil, you both have this burning fear that your will and desire to do good doesn't out weight the bad that you’ve done  that you could do” the room grew heavier as the truth of that statement settled into place. “But you’re both so wrong” Jacks eyes met yours and for a moment you swam in their desire for good before continuing “you both fight so hard to save the ones you love, the whole damn world putting your whole heart into everyone else that you forget just how special you are” you notice a fleck of disappointment in jacks eyes and it pains you “Not because you’re a Nephilim or the chosen vessel or some prophesy of biblical proportions but because you are both deep down at heart good people doing their best in a broken world and are willing to not only die for those you love but more importantly you’re willing to live for them”. The room sat quietly for a moment until jack looked up at you and asked “What about you?” now you were the quizzical one “What about me?” you asked perplexed, “What do I get from you?”. You hum genuinely unsure of how to answer “I don’t know” you looked Jack up and down noticing his velcro shoes  and laughed “Probably terrible fashion sense why on earth did I let you get old man shoes” the room chuckled while Jack looked at his shoes unsure of what to make of the statement, when the sound was broken by a new voice. “Your smile” Dean’s voice occupied with room as all heads snapped around to see him standing in the entrance to the bunkers library with a six pack in hand, a small pool of water building below as the cold beers condensation dripped onto the floor marking the passage of time. “He’s got your smile” Dean repeated as he moved further into the room slowly handing out beers to the rooms occupants before seating himself next to you and handing you an open beer as he continued. “you’ve got a genuine smile that spreads from your cupids bow and reaches beyond the corners of your mouth to your eyes” Dean stared at you as a smile spread across your face, you were unable to stop it “But it’s higher on one side” Castiel chimed in. You looked at the angel genuinely shocked that had paid close attention to your smile, “Its can be rare but its always genuine, its never there to hide pain its like a sacred thing” Sam said nodding softy at you “You never want to taint it with sorrow so you keep that certain smile for special occasions” Dean finished Sam’s train of thought. “And I see it in Jack, that special smile of genuine happiness and hope as if given to him as gift” Dean said before taking another swig of his beer. Jack looked at your smile and felt as one corner of his mouth raised high than the other into a smile “I like it” he chirped “thank you for your smile” Jack said sweetly. You all sat contently drinking and just chatting for the rest of the night not about monster or the apocalypse on the horizon that could wait for tomorrow but tonight was a night to just forget the bad and enjoy the good while it lasted, if it lasted. 

[its-me-theicequeen]

Autumnal Asks

The lovely @abigailht Tagged me in this ginormous list of asks. And I’m gonna do it of course, eve though I have no idea who would consider reading all this.

lantern - how did you meet your best friend? What were your first impressions of each other?

We both change school as a result of bullying and ended up in the same place in fifth grade. We’ve been friends ever since, I only remember one time we didn’t get along and it only resulted in an hour or so of silence before we figured it out. We live far from each other now, but still get together once or twice a year and talk almost every other week. Just the other day, she called and we talked for three and a half hour.

frost - if you could give some advice to your younger self, what would you say?

If they didn’t want you there they wouldn’t have asked. Go to a damn party and learn how to have fun!

maple - is there a hobby / skill that you’ve always wanted to try but never did?

I have the ability to become okay at drawing, with practice, and time, but I just never gave it the time it deserved, and will probably never put in the effort. 

harvest - what fictional character do you most identify with? Why?

That depends on the day, my mood, what challenges I’m dealing with and what show/film I’m watching at the time. These days it’s probably Sam Winchester. You know, the good looking smart one. Kidding. but seriously; trying to figure out who he is, taking years to do so, and then come to realize that he can do whatever he wants, and chooses family for his and their sake. Me!

fireside - if you had your dream wardrobe, what would it look like?

Slowly getting there. I’m not sure how to explain, but I’m balancing between low-key-glam-rock and wait for it... country. Yeah I don’t know either.

cider - a food that you disliked as a child but now enjoy?

Pickled garlic. I can eat them with a fork directly from the glass. 

amber - share an unpopular opinion that you may have.

I hate that we have to put a label on everything. Gay, Bi, Asexual etc. Don’t get me wrong I’m not against the LGBTQIA* community. I’m a part of it. I just hate that there has to be so many fucking letters. I long for the day where it’s enough to be human and we don’t have to explain what kind. I still have no idea where in that row of letters I belong.

fog - how well do you think you’d do in a zombie apocalypse scenario?

I would like to think that I could plan ahead, think rational and keep people together. I’ve done good in crises before, acted and thought about the horror of it after, but you can only do that for so long. Truth be told, I’d probably die at first close encounter. 

jack-o-lantern - if you could look like any celebrity, who would you choose?

I think Pink is an incredibly beautiful woman who’s not a afraid to stand out. Love her face, body and hair. Smile and eyes. She’s just gorgeous. 

spice - have you ever encountered a house that you believed to be haunted?

Nope.

orchard - share one thing that you’d like to happen this autumn.

I’d love to get rid of the last fifteen pounds, that is still holding on with everything they got to my ass and thighs.

crow - which school subject do you wish you had an aptitude for?

Just reading. I’m still a slow reader, but have worked hard with my dyslexia so I cant read and write without too many obstacles (even in English).

bonfire - describe your dream house.

I just want a small apartment, not much to clean and a place to crash between travels. Preferably near a gym, not to far from the city and with big open nature close by.

cinnamon - if you had to live in a time period different than the present, which would you choose and where?

I’m sure every period had it’s problems. I’m sure I’ll be better of here, since I grew up here (kinda) know what I’m doing.

cobweb - (if you’ve graduated) do you miss high school?

I miss the time and freedom to dive into a self-selected theme/subject for a big report. I never appreciated how great it was to educate myself like that. As for the whole peopley crowded scool thing with the pressure on top, no, not really.

cranberry - what’s one physical feature that you get complimented on?

My legs. They’re not firm or tan or beautiful in any way, but the are long. I’m six feet tall and all the height is in the legs. (I don’t look tall when I sit.) I never noticed that since I lost weight and now I live for high-waist skinny-jeans. 

maize - share the weirdest encounter you’ve had with a stranger on the street.

My friend and I was once interrupted by this (seemingly) sweet old lady. Who told us that (the English translation would be) sure/whatever you say, really means kiss my ass. 

quilt - how do you take your tea (or coffee)?

I don’t drink coffee. The milk/lemon/honey choice depends on the tea. Never suggar. 

pumpkin - do you think that humans are inherently good or bad?

I think there are bad persons. I’ve lived to long, been through too much, not to think that. How they became that way, I don’t know, and mostly I don’t really care. I don’t believe anyone is born dad.

moonlit - are you a neat or messy person? Is your room / house orderly?

I function better when it’s clean and tidy around me. That being said, I’m on the top five of the messiest people I know. (I’m not number one)

flannel - have you ever gone on a bad date?

Not really bad, but boring sure, and I’ve had dates I was sure that wasn’t going anywhere. The only one that came close to bad was mostly just weird; it was a blind date where I was set up with my ex. We parted on good terms so it was okay and we had a nice lunch, catching up and when we left, we both texted our friend and told him that it was the last time we went on a bind date.

cocoa - if you could have any type of hair, what colour and cut would you have?

I just colour my hair as I want it. I used to have thick hair, but as I lost weight fast, my hair got thinner too. It’s not bad, but I’d love to get some volume back.

ghost - is there someone that you miss having in your life?

I just lost two friends this spring (29 and 40 years old) One I had a special connection with, (i had nightmares when he wasn’t feeling well) and the other was basically my older brother. They both died sudden and I didn’t get to say goodbye to either. I miss them every day.

I’m tagging @katietyler89 and @ohheyitsg to answer. Good luck 

[cwombw]

isn’t life great?

below cut.

void-Yesterday at 11:25 PM

wtf do you even have to say to me

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:26 PM

I just, if youre this upset with riley for doing then we need to talk about this so you understand

void-Yesterday at 11:27 PM

im ALLOWED to be hurt that he thinks i can NEVER be trusted AGAIN for no apparent reasonif you cant recognize that then WOW

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:27 PM

He doesn't think thatHe blocked people he's know for years

void-Yesterday at 11:27 PM

then WHY the MCFUCK did he block me and why are you saying i should just shut up about it and get over iti cared about him damnit i say him as my own fucking childyoure not who i thought you were lmfao

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:28 PM

He's just really scared right now, youre allowed to be upset but try to underastand

void-Yesterday at 11:28 PM

im done tbh?i blocked him back.its what he wants anyway

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:29 PM

if you feel that's what you want. he's just scared and hiding from everything

void-Yesterday at 11:29 PM

and yet hes still in dandys friendchat.

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:30 PM

He left active chats right off the bat and then got scred people would hate him and stoped

void-Yesterday at 11:30 PM

whatever then.too bad star came home im this close to self harmingim  going to talk to her and hope shecan calm me down from a meltdown

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:31 PM

I just, he's literally dying rn, please try to understandAnd please stay safe

void-Yesterday at 11:31 PM

you also need to understand that others are having similar reactions due to his actions just now

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:33 PM

youre having a heart problem? you were so upset you had a heart attack last night? I'm sorry but I dont think this is comperable

void-Yesterday at 11:33 PM

i meant the goddamn breakdown thing

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:34 PM

I'm sorry i misunderstoodHe jsut doesnt want anyone to see him die

void-Yesterday at 11:39 PM

i f he wants to push everybody away and ruin every good friendship he had and also ruin the dnd kin thing, fine. im not going to open my arms to him anymore.i dont hate him.but the wanting nothing to do eith each other thing is mutual now.

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:40 PM

i hope you understand that i stand with him on this. he just doesnt want to hurt people if he actually dies

void-Yesterday at 11:41 PM

if he actually diesso if he doesnt, what. hes gonna be like "heyyy.. fingerguns sorry that i ruined all my friendships, amde people hate me, and made people panic" i dont play ehadgames like that and i refuse to do that with him.plus, idk. iunno. maybe it should be our choice if we want to stick with him even if hes on his death bed?by doing this its hurting more than watching hiom die

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:43 PM

He's in the hospital and they said things arent looking good. he's terrifiyed and I think you should remember hes only 16. he's just scared as any dying kid would be

void-Yesterday at 11:44 PM

.. so wait. let me get this straight . he decided to. block. every single one of his online friends, out of fear of hurting them. but he didnt try to distance himself from his irl ones, even though it should be thje same fear that drove him to block everybody online in the first place.iwhatnothis boils down to paranoia and distrustwhy exactly, does he  let his irl friends care for him but wont let his online ones do the same

ArchaicArcade-Yesterday at 11:45 PM

It;s easier to block people you don't know in personI just, I cant do this. hes a scared kin and that's all there is to it

void-Yesterday at 11:46 PM

okim dropping itfeel free to block mefigure you want nothing to do with me anymore eitherJune 8, 2018

ArchaicArcade-Today at 12:01 AM

no it's just I need a bit

ArchaicArcade-Today at 8:34 AM

I'm sorry to say this but I've know Riley way longer and well, I choose him over you. I feel terrible but I need to side with my best friend here

void-Today at 11:56 AM

there shouldnt even be a side but okay. i had a feeling y'all weren't telling the truth. because i forgot last night but now i remember that he certainly did not block everybody he was friends with online and the chat in gov kin is evident as such, since people there could still message him.

you all have fun lying now. but i want you both to remember that i would have gone above and beyond for the both of you because i trusted you, cared about you, and loved you.thanks for ripping away a part of my life.

--

s/o-Today at 7:48 AM

Fuck meRiley is the rat talking to lou

s/o-Today at 11:01 AM

Let me know if you are okay.

void-Today at 11:59 AM

.....wow.

s/o-Today at 11:59 AM

He shared our entire dm

s/o-Today at 12:00 PM

God me too

void-Today at 12:01 PM

you know i have a feeling all their friends were in on it and he didnt even have a heart attack last night

--

s/o- you know I never had a grudge against you, and I wasn't in a good place either when you were in my life. please leave me out of your mouth and i'll continue leaving you out of mine. Don't dis GAK either, it's a quiet kin family. -Lex's "live in" partner.

s/o- also I'm carful about the ages of the people I talk too, and that "flirting with a minor thing" not sure who that was at all? I'm sure it had something to do with the nonsense in KK. Anyway last message I will send unless you choose to respond. Yesterday at 4:53 AM

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches the minor was jeremie diioscuri and the offending behavior was via discord in a mutuals server that he had created Yesterday at 2:26 PM s/o- Now i know what you are talking about. I was mislead about his age. But I also never flirted with him. I sent him an NSFW meme once and his little friends started making wild accusations of me. And I do feel bad for offending him, but I didn't know he was a minor.

s/o- That is also how I personally got kicked from KK. I kicked Alex from KK the previous night because it was behaving destructively Today at 7:44 AM

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches thats not an accusation thats straight up telling the truth

s/o- Talking about trans stuff? I was literally complaing about tucking. I also really feel stabbed in the back right now. You think you know someone

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches you... knew who? look idk what you deem appropriate to talk to minors about but maybe it differs for us

s/o- i don't think a trans vent between two trans people is inappropriate if he was squicked by that he could've told me lol. not go sharing a private convo with you. (and i'm not blaming you for that)

agenderdad420/mystery peaches i will say that there is often an inherent power dynamic between older and younger members that maybe made him more uncomfortable

s/o- you know i can take the blame if I fucked up. I hope you know that I've changed a ton since KK. and since I your drama with Lex started. All I want is to be a good person and contribute something to my fellow kinnies.\

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches honestly i havent really kept up w either you or alex since that point, but i dont doubt you can take accountability for your actions.

agenderdad420/mysterypeaches i just hope that there is change that goes along w acknowledgement and perhaps there has been

s/o- I don't speak for lex. But i just want peace Today at 9:21 AM

agenderdad420 fair

--

s/o - Today at 7:49 AM Apparently riley is the one talking to the person who made my callout Do you have a problem with me arcade? 

ArchaicArcade - Today at 8:07 AM no 

s/o - Today at 8:16 AM I guess i squicked him with something i said 

ArchaicArcade - Today at 8:17 AM i guess 

s/o - Today at 8:19 AM My brain: hes sick because of you 

s/o - Today at 12:02 PM I know you have your reasons  for what you guys are doing. But I hope Riley knows how deep he cut me. I would've given you both the moon.

--

not only have these people caused me to have a severe anxiety attack, they caused my partner the same, as well as many others who weren’t even a part of this.

they have caused me to feel suicidal and paranoid, to want to self harm

as for agenderdad420/mysterypeaches, they have sent me anon hate before, accused me of being racist for my neopronouns (all while saying they’re not against neopronouns, lol), and blew up at me for dropping them after they told me they didn’t like that i was trying to set boundaries for my borderline behaviors with them, and that i was confiding in them everything that was going on with me at the time (which was heavily toxic and depressing towards me) they have used language against me that is ableist and abuse apologetic in nature and their claims otherwise are blatant lies.

i had previously published the majority of the anon hate before deleting it from my blog after a while due to discomfort of having drama on my blog.

they have taken to stalking me to find out more past drama about me, as well as taking false anecdotes from others who claim my s/o has been inappropriate with minors to the point of grooming them, which is 1000000000000000% untrue and taken greatly out of context and skewed into something that never happened.

talking about trans issues isn’t grooming, sending a nsfw meme to a person who my s/o believed to be an adult isn’t grooming.

these people are pure evil and have been planning this for a long time from what i’ve gathered.

they are dangerous and unpleasant and will apparently stop at nothing to obtain their goal, whatever it actually is. as evident as one of them faked a heart attack and may have faked an entire condition.

update 7/17/2018

after speaking to rileys sister who he abused for a good part of their life, as well as ruined it and made their mom send them to live with their aunt, i’ve since learned that this is serial abusive behavior and he has also physically beat his younger siblings, is a pathological liar, and everything i’ve thus learned about him 100% fits his m/o.

he can try all he wants to pretend that he got better and has improved but all i see if that he got better methods.

faking a heart attack in order to call my gf a pedophile for talking about trans issues is fucking despicable.

another thing i’ve discovered is that he did in fact assault the person who he says assaulted him 

and the fact he freaked out over a poorly written callout like that, no offense to the victim is kinda funny and really telling. if he was innocent then why bother mentioning anything? i dont think that many people saw it.

i’ve also learned that archaicarcade, aka julien/julian (and plenty of other past names) also has a past of fucking people over very quickly into friendships and relationships and changing their name and other information in order to hide their past.

in fact.. riley hangs out with a lot of weird people, including somebody who was brainwashed by their older brother to be transphobic, and julien, whos relationship with the minors he surrounds himself with is suspect at best.

he also keeps company with a jehovah’s witness, which i shouldn’t have to explain how problematic that is.

my current thoughts about this is that riley while not innocent at all may be being groomed by julien is who also grooming others with help from his other adult buddies they all hang with. i have no sympathy for riley though after what occurred, whatsoever.

just 10-20 minutes ago somebody on a sockpuppet from wilson, north carolina sent me hate after checking out this callout post for riley, this is the screenshot i took

i’ve since blocked and reported the sockpuppet, even if this doesnt belong to riley, its clearly from one of his brainwashed supporters. amazing that a month later they still want to start shit. but this? this is pathetic.

look riley and co. i, my gf, my bf, my other bf, and all my friends know the truth. you’re fucking liars and fakes and abusive and groom people. do the universe a favor and go to long term therapy or maybe just never go online ever again with any device, anytime, anywhere, ever. and in fact hole yoruself up in your homes and never speak to anybody ever again because you clearly can’t help yourselves from finding new targets to fuck with.

emotional terrorism at its finest.

[goddamnitlady]

Notes to self: past, change, and most probable route of  future development. [JiraOro thread]

Orochimaru is now going through a shift in thinking in the JiraOro roleplay story. I need to type it out for me to understand it. No need to read it. 

No but seriously, Nikki, I'll put it under a readmore and let you choose whether to read it or not. I mostly fear that you'll sit back and think "okay so this is probably the best guess on how it will end" and then we will neveeeer write the two agaaaiiin. ;A;

Fears aside... If you read it, do leave a comment for my effort, as I started writing this halfway the football match and finish it only now. I think myself clever for having been able to put it into words. 

The situation at the start of this OroJira story  Orochimaru is convinced he does not have any goodness left in him any more. He thinks he has lost everyone and everything. He's like Sasuke. He’s in darkness. So deep, that he is beyond saving. He aims with is bad actions ("someone has to do the dirty work") to give children better lives in a better world than had been offered to him. ”Results justify the means,” he said.       This 'calling', to make a better peaceful world for the next generation, is in his mind the only good aspect about him. Fulfilling role of 'fixer' is how he can live with himself. Take these good intentions away, and their absence will expose he's just monster. That he’s the same type of monster as the villains who hurt him as a child. So he clings to this role. “I’m different. I’m doing these horrible things for the greater good.” He fills himself with self-deception, because deep down he knows he is wrong.

Telling him he's awful, and why he’s awful, make Orochimaru go either... 1) smirking arrogant because it means he's successfully changing the world.  2) trying to convince you he IS doing the right thing. This is akin to "LALALA I CANT HEAR YOU. I HAVE MY HANDS OVER MY EARS. I'M A GOOD PERSON LA LA LA." Orochimaru is so lost, that he can't be reached.

A big danger: at once acknowledging the immense scope and amount of wrong he did in his life, will utterly destroy his heart. It will destroy his sanity. So he doesn't acknowledge it. He only acknowledges the surface -- that he has no chance at redemption. 

No redemption? He's doubting that now. This doubt is sparked by the training process. The training shows that no matter how bad Orochimaru is, Jiraiya will always call him out on it, and tell him to be behave. He appeals to an inherent good nature in Orochimaru's. He has a firm believe in that inherent goodness.

That's so novel.

Like... “What does Jiraiya see in me? Is he right?? I want him to be right!!!!! Sure, there are punishments. But those can be suffered through. And they pass. And then there's the orgasm reward... :))) .”

He loves the rewards. He loves feeling good. He loves being loved. He loves being called 'Good boy'. He likes 'Good', because it makes him feel forgiven, and 'boy', because youth was before his sins. His eternal obsession with youth, eh?

This training gives him a break from his exhausting sin-denying. This training proves that not all that he touches crumbles/rots/dies, but that he can make a person happy. He enjoys serving for the sake of giving away attention and love and spoiling Jiraiya. This shared happiness gives him hope. Hope, that they can connect because somewhere deep down there IS good in him.

This brings me to how powerfully Orochimaru loves Jiraiya. Jira (bitterly?) believes there is hope for Orochimaru. That belief makes every piece of Orochimaru’s world-making wobble. Orochimaru’s previously rock-hard convictions become unsteady.      Jiraiya is the one he trusts most in his life, more than even Kabuto. He now trusts Jiraiya more than he trusts himself. Jiraiya is often right. Orochimaru now distrusts his own decision-making. He now distrusts his own mind. But he relies on his friend. “If Jiraiya thinks there’s hope, it must be true, right?”

He likes to think it could be true. 

Nikki, remember that meme? That silly meme where I had to fill in stars for Orochimaru’s romantic/platonic/sexual feelings to a muse... and when you messaged me Jiraiya's name, all the options were maxed out to ten stars? xD

He LOVES Jiraiya. 

He loves how good Jiraiya can make him feel, both physically and spiritually. He enjoys the safety, friendship, banter, homeliness, attraction, powerlessness, humour, being useful, because Jiraiya doesn’t back down he feels like he’s found back his equal. His other half. He feels loved. 

At the start of the story Orochimaru intended to make Jiraiya part of his dark world by trying to convince Jiraiya that the “end justifies the means”. That attempt failed SPECTACULARLY.

To keep Jiraiya from leaving him, Orochimaru set out try to change himself to become part of Jiraiya's world. First stop was his (mutually agreed upon) physical submission. Orochimaru is changing his behaviour. But Jiraiya won’t stay if it’s just sex, because it cannot be “just sex” between them. There’s too much history. 

Now Orochimaru has begun mentally submitting, too. Not being allowed to speak and not being able to think because he feels so good, has been a powerful agent of mental change.      This is where the big shift is happening now that I need to get down in text.      Orochimaru begun to acknowledge (in those muse&mun converstions) that he cannot bear to keep Jiraiya around if Jiraiya isn't happy. Nikki, this feeling is escalating to a degree I had never dared to predict.       Jiraiya's happiness is now the most important thing to him in the entire world. It’s vital. Sex might feel nice but it doesn’t heal an aching heart. Keeping Jiraiya captive by force (as was the very first plan) is out of the question. Awful! How could he have ever thought up such a horrible scheme! Orochimaru has already begun to rely on Jiraiya’s judgement more than his own. The way to keep Jira... and to make him happy... is to become good. It’s the only way. He now knows this. He’s preparing for this. 

Orochimaru MUST change. 

The Talk: gaining insight in the consequences of his past actions.  This talk will happen at SOME point, probably. In this talk he needs to learn what damage he has done so he know what to NEVER do again. 

He first has to acknowledge he has hurt Jiraiya immensely. 

He must listen to his thoughts.

Acknowledge his pain respectfully. 

Learn what harm he did to Jiraiya. 

And only when Orochimaru understands the full scope of his actions, he can try to give Jiraiya some peace and tranquillity. 

This talk is not for him. This talk will be for Jiraiya. (Because I’m super duper interested in your Jiraiya’s coping mechanisms and his pain and his making-sense-of-the-world). (And because I love hurt/comfort. Let my muse give comfort. It will be a ‘fix the canon’ thread!) (No one can dish out pain like you do so I dread this thread too. Never anger a calm man, is a saying. A tumblr roleplay saying should be, Never ask angst from the Fluff/Smut Queen.)(But I’m dumb). 

He loves Jiraiya. He doesn’t want him to hurt. Doesn’t want him to hurt in Orochimaru’s presence or absence or anytime at all. Jiraiya’s happiness is more important than his own. 

Hearing about Jiraiya’s pain is going to hurt him as fuck, but it will be a manageable size. It is 'merely' the severe damage he has done to his most important friend. This talk in my replies won't be about Orochimaru's hurt, not about Orochimaru’s traumas, and won't be about the unphantomable damage Orochimaru did to the entire world (which would destroy him). This talk will be bite-sized (but he’ll still almost choke on it) aims to give katharsis/resolution. 

Failing this talk, means that he's going to need to let Jiraiya (or the loved one) go. Their happiness is more important than his own. (I've encountered this version of events with Sasukes and Anko and an OC.) 

Succeeding this talk, meaning if he can give Jiraiya some form of solace. This interaction will fulfil the same function as Orochimaru (in canon) giving Sasuke solace by summoning the Hokages. This person whom he loves and is the first one he can connect to, will become his moral compass. He will become devoted to them. He won't ask for forgiveness. He will only ask if they're happier now. 

Let's suppose they touched hearts, then how will that change him? Lovingly supporting this one person he hurt before, by now doing good, so the Precious One is happy, gives off a feeling of success. Actual /warmth/ in his chest, no self-deception. This spark of warmth will catch onto his rotten heart and become a tiny flame of light in his chest. This successful attempt will give him back his faith in his ability to do good for the sake of goodness (instead of evil for the sake of goodness). 

He will want repeat his successful experience by helping more people reach happiness the right way. With this special person by his side (Jiraiya/Sasuke), Orochimaru can now actively try to acknowledge bigger and bigger chunks of his past misdeeds. And bravely begin working to correct them. 

Suddenly he is already halfway on the path back to the light.

If Orochimaru has loved one to walk beside him on that path... (a person who Orochimaru can give his brand of intense spiritual and physical love, a person who shuts down villainous behaviour as soon as he suggests it, and for whom Orochimaru can be a caring support ideal housewife) ... then Orochimaru too may just finish the path all the way out of the Darkness and back to the Light.

The Enemy of the World, now turned gentle.

That would be nice... I think.

......

Thoughts?

[shawnjacksonsbs]

Romanticize this!

or

Is youth really wasted on the young?      11-29-20

"Being deeply loved gives you strength, but loving deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

As is normal for me sometimes, I couldn't decide between the 2 titles. Cool thing about writing my way. . . I don't have to decide. I don't write for grades or pay raises, so . . .

You read, you pick the better fit, or let the piece hold a dual-title. Dual title. I like that.

Anyway,

The day we grow up for real is the day we realize surrendering selfishness is in our best interest, as well as in the best interest of some of our loved ones.

Ro·man·ti·cize; a verb, to deal with or describe in an idealized or unrealistic fashion; make (something) seem better or more appealing than it really is.

Lots of words describe the unhealthy, negative behaviors of someone caught up in different types of addiction. It generally depends on the addiction, whether it be drugs, alcohol, codependency, or maybe-usually a combination of several, and the behavior that accompanies it.

Words like rationalize, glamorize, even justify, fit but none embodies the collective whole of all of them like romanticize. I'm pretty sure that best describes why I got into the life all those years ago, and absolutely why I stayed in as long as I did, even after it started to become painful.

It is that unrealistic view of the life and its relationships, that causes the aches and longing to throb in the emotional place of the mind like a migraine until we just can't take it anymore. The only way to stay out is to accept that it isn't the best course for our mental and emotional health. That takes a type of selfish, yet selfless surrender that not everyone gets until they get it.

Seeing someone's mind light up in the back of their eyes, because they're about to go back out, and no amount of talking will pull them back is due to their mind playing those romanticized scenes over and over. Watching it is like getting a whiff of someone else's emotional stimulation. It happens all too quickly sometimes, too.

And although it sometimes feels like it came out of nowhere, it didn't. It's generally been there the whole fucking time, albeit sometimes it was a fight against it.  I've learned this first hand as I've watched loved ones crawl back into bed with the darkness multiple times since I've moved back here.

I remember all those years ago, thinking that to win I had to achieve a status everyone else saw for me, but I had to do it my way. The always high on dope, couldn't cope with pain like an adult, irresponsible, joke of a father, husband, son, scared, abandoned childlike version of me, sometimes makes me wanna scream, cry, and punch myself in the mouth. I look in the mirror, and think "limiting deathbed regrets huh?". I've come so far, and overcome so much more, and the gratitude I carry with me today includes what I've been through, and as fucked up as it sounds I carry some gratefulness in my heart for the hurt felt for hurting those closest to my heart.

I'm not saying that I'm glad I hurt people. Far from it actually, but because I did I know the opposite end now, and the love I give now is beyond measure. All because I've been on both sides of that toxic life-damaging behavior. I love with my whole heart, because I remember loving with pieces of it, if at all, and how painful and confusing it was for my family, especially my children.

Wanting better for a loved one than they, obviously, want for themselves is very difficult a thing to hold fast to. And it sometimes means doing something necessary, even though it doesn't feel right or like love. It is, in fact, love though, if its intent is to better them later regardless of how they feel now or how you "feel" about it in the moment.

Just different life choices. No one is free from the consequences of those choices either, especially not emotionally. I mean drugs can cover up small amounts sometimes but never entirely.

And don't even get me started on codependency, abusive, toxic relationships. Those are definitely a thing, and the real struggle with not understanding just how far from love those really are takes some serious self-examination.

Real love heals. It doesn't prevent growth, I promise. And if real love heals, then real grace holds the power to resolve, but in the way of light or truth. You know when you know. That's all I can say about that part.

I lay my head down at night, counting all the ways, his way might go right, which of course feels limited. Instead of losing sleep thinking about all the ways, it feels it might go wrong.

What if it's not about right or wrong. Everyone makes different life choices, some just feel more wrong than right when actually it's just making it harder on the decider I suppose.

And, and, . . . If I got hung up on every negative, what-if scenario that someone close to my heart could have, well I wouldn't get to sleep for days at a time. That would not be good. At least in the old days, the high covered it all up. Lol no lol

Not everyone can keep up, but when I say 143.2, just know it's a thing. The day the universe said, to me, "I love you too", was a pretty cool synchronicity. I'm catching on a little more, and then a little more with each passing day.

My life, my journey. Accepting mine should inherently mean accepting theirs, no matter what.

The culture, society, even the generation we live in makes just as many collective decisions about our individual futures as we, the individuals, do for ourselves. We accept and maintain happiness and contentment or we don't accept it and we stay sad and miserable, or better yet we fight it, and stay fucked off and angry. The choice is literally in our hands.

Besides this point is another, and another, and another and it doesn't matter to who, your lover, your mother, father, daughter, . . . son, but that "part of me that's you will never die" that too is a thing. A very powerful seed planting tool.

So those of us who have, or those of us who are currently lost in a clouded mindset, cant stay like that forever. One of several styles of stopping will eventually hit. If the sting of hearing love comes across as anger as you step out of the light yet again, I hope it hurts the heart to the point you get out with the same hope and maintain with the same gratitude I was allowed.

May you find that grace and the peace that comes along with it, until then good luck. You'll need it. It only feels good briefly and in little doses. Just like it always does. The worth never balances out, promise you that. It just stays harder than is necessary.

With every exchange;

When I get the reaction from someone I thought I would, it was more meant for them. When I don't get the reaction I thought I would, it was probably more meant for me.

On a side note, the whole gracefully receiving thing, which I call my current work in progress, has several sides to it, as I learn, I learn. lol

Criticism holds the highest place on this list for most people I imagine, but it's in an especially high position for me.

It's not how I generally think of graceful receiving, but it's definitely a thing I'm working on, these days. It might be one of those ones I continue to learn for the rest of my time here on Earth.

If you have loved ones who have stepped back out of the darkness, and away from those harder than necessary life choices, just remind them that you love them and that they're worth more now than the negative consequences will cost them later.

Also, if you have loved ones who have not yet stepped back out of the darkness, and away from those harder than necessary life choices, just remind them that you love them and that they're worth more now than the negative consequences of continued actions will cost them later.

If you didn't catch it, I had a loved one decide, yet again, to go back out into their struggle and attempting their way through it. So we'll see.

Keep sharing your love and laughter with the world around you always. And, please, please stay kind. It could change someone's life and you not even know it. It's important, and always worth it.

Oh yeah, do you have your gratitude list?? Maybe writing them down daily will help you more than you think it will.

Until next time;

"I don't do drugs, I'm addicted to the pain though

Yeah, I been on it for a while, dunno how to put it down

Gotta have it, it's a habit I'ma break though

I just wanna take a hit, keep sayin' I'ma quit

Keep sayin' I'ma leave, but I stay though

I just want a little fix, I don't wanna take a risk

I don't like it when I drift from the safe zone

But lately, I been thinkin' I'ma have to

Lettin' go of things that I'm attached to

World don't stop just because I'm in a bad mood

You don't know what love is 'til you holdin' onto

somethin' that you can't lose

I swear I'm tryna get it together

Sleeves up, puttin' work in, tryna be better" - Change by NF

[yvvaine]

I was wondering if any [past or present] Jonerys, Pro-Daenerys fans like myself feel this way.....?

Firstly Id say please be nice i just enjoy analyzing the shit out of fandoms I like, (im a history/polysci major ((with an emphasis on Peace Justice and & Conflict Studies)) all i do is analyze and try to be diplomatic lmao) but considering all they petty drama between both ships as well as pro/anti Daenerys stans ON BOTH SIDES I’m going to be “That Person” and at least ask for people to be respectful/civil, I want to hear from everyone and their metas/what they think which is why i tagged like, all the tags, no matter if you love her/the ship or cant stand it, as long as everyone can keep civil So firstly I’ve loved Dany both books and show from the beginning. She’s gorgeous, wants to be the best person she can be, and her hair/fashion style game is always ON POINT.  That being said, somewhere around season 5 i think i’ve found my opinion on her cooling a little bit, ep after ep, till now. Like I still like her bc she was my first character love on the show but I’ve def soured in my opinion on her. Maybe it’s because I love learning about the subject that im more baised (im hoping thats the case) but she just seemed to have no interest in actual governance, just the reputation (esp of being the ‘rebel queen’)/the awe/the power/the thrill of the adoration that went along with it to the point where I feel like though she still wants to be a ‘good queen’ or at least wants to be seen that way, she doesnt want to do much work for the title. Like yeah she freed all the slaves and that was a def progressive and awesome move on her part (major props! slavery is sin and im glad someone recognized that who had the power to do something about it) but she didnt handle that aftermath or ensuing problems well at all nor really mulled heavily on the subject to find the best solution. She just got fustrated with pretty basic/common (albeit complex in themselves) issues of standard governance and kind of went agh! fuck this! (obv not actual quotes but that was the vibe I got). And then ESPECIALLY after season 7 her character has kind of nagged at me in the back of brain which i hate but its inherent like its just a feeling i cant help it?? I just dont know why to be honest that Im feeling so negative towards this character i used to love.  The whole ‘ bEnD thE knEe ‘ thing w/ Jon and yet pinning it on Jon’s pride not equally on his and her own was more than a little hypocritical, when hon they can discuss it later like at that point they have two common enemies the WW and Cersei they both want to do away with, and then again with the Bend the Knee or Die bit w/ the Lannister soldiers. In fact the whole sequence before that point felt kind of villinous I dearsay, I mean  deliberately burning the harvest that most of westeros needs for the winter or even strategically not willing to try, and well, nOOt intentionally burn the food considering its winter, the harvest is over (so likely not much is gonna grow in the time being) when she has a G I A N T ass army of her own to think of feeding???? Like i get it is war shit happens soldiers die but the F O O D ? Was that an impuslive in the moment mistake or did she just not give a fuck? And back to the aftermath scene/Bend the Knee 2.0, her speech was again quite hypocritical...and burning dickon?????? not willing to keep prisoners???? either bend or die??? I actually am glad she did away with Papa Tarly bc he was an awful human, but dickon????? a young idealistic man about to loose his father??? the heir to a major ally/house???? And honestly that bend or die strategy is soooooo dumb bc now she cant trust any of them like theyre only bending the knee out of self preservation homie, no one wants to die. they bend  the knee to survive and now they all of the sudden think youre their queen? Nah fam, prisoners were better, all you got are spies in your camps or people willing to backstab you at the smallest promise of coin. And i dont want that for my girl

IDK the whole “im gonna BREAK THE WHEEL,,,,,,,,yet im stating my claim mainly on my housename (aka the predominant force of said wheel for a literal dynasty) and the fact that i can scare people who otherwise are unconvinced bc lets be real westeros has had a bad run of rulers a lot of which were Targs in the past couple decades, into submission bc ill burn you otherwise???” doesnt sit well with me nor does it feel like the character ive been rooting for the past five-ish seasons. She just doesnt seem to put into effort on understanding Westeros, why things go wrong, being self-critical or sharing the blame,thinking on what a “good” ruler would do.... anyone else feeling this way and if so do you think this is just shitty writing? D&D butchering her character? or a new arc for her? perhaps the way shes always been? She just seems like a tantruming child bratty and entitled idk (a beautiful child but still)  As for jonerys...... im not gonna go into it much but how are other shippers happy????????? I honestly dont understand. I was SO looking forward to this season/this ship. like so much! But it felt so forced? And i know a lot of people claim its cause its rushed but tbh we’ve had a lot of romances in a similar time frame that felt like A C T U A L romances.....even Talisa/Robb who the Northerners will prob compare any of this too were so much better. THIS WAS MY EPIC SHIP DUDE. I feel the dany side of things (took a while but theres def heart eyes) and yet Jon???? He felt hollow. Still does even after sex. Im so disapointed but more than that I cant see the romance or the chemistry. He looks constipated. Hes never smiled like with his teeth around her the way hes done w others he cares deepily about (ygritte, toramund, sansa, even fkin gendry in the first scene they had together). He never reveals anything about himself. And between the “my queen” ep (and remember he was look warm when discussing her to toramund throughout it) and the previous the only thing that changed was that he saw the actual difference dragons made against WW. You could argue she saved them all too but that doesnt make you fall in love w someone out of the blue and also people have saved his ass before and??? Sansa w the vale anyone??? (Not an argument for jonsa js its happened) (though ill admit ive transitioned to loathing jonerys and loving jonsa more as a potential couple in the space of seven eps where if you asked me I wouldve been like PSH u cray. I never thought it would happen in a mill years but D&D ruined my ship and here i am! Shipping aside tho since its best too look at these things as neutral as possible).  Anyways the sigh of his after she left and when he pretended to be asleep.... idk. The only scene that felt genuine and where Jon smiled and it didnt look like a full on grimace and they actually kinda joked around was really nice and at the pit at the finale and if they do a LOT more of basic romance stuff like that I could ship it again but. It was followed by boatsex and boy.  I was hoping boatsex might rekindle my like for the two together. I could see the chemistry the passion. I was hoping the passion would overwhelm me and make up for the rest. But instead......like there was no foreplay, it lasted 2 seconds, and it was overplayed by brans voice and a reminder of future conflict or at the very least major angst b/w the two. i didnt see the parallel between regear and lyanna playing alongside their scene as anything romantic or that it should be taken as such. and the look they shared.... I was hoping jon would bring it bc Dany’s look in her eyes is like soooo smitten and adorable and say what you will I still have a space in my heart for her and still dont want her to suffer, but again Jon looks like oh shit/constipated. And not in a good oh shit way either.  There is a bunch more too but Imma stop there bc Im just tired at this point.  So many things were just....off this season. And it cant all be blamed on the “rushed” time frame. I’ve read the undercover lover theory and hon it makes the most sense (not perfect sense but still, more than what we’ve been poorly spoon fed) but im not willing to believe it just yet. Still, maybe D&D are just butchering a lot of things like making the romance believable and stuff for the sake of time that could be true i guess. But they like to go AHA GOT U so  Idk I dont find a lot of meta in the jonerys tag bc honestly (((((i think its bc the tag and ship are more popular and theirs more people both good and bad)))) it doesnt seem like snowballing theories is something all fans take really well in the tag at all. But whatever. I really want to know, is there any meta or theories im missing to either validate the icky feeling Im haveing about D or her “romance” or on the flipside anything that might make me change my mind about it? Theories, meta people! I just want to reiderate im not trying to hate on anyone or any point of view and I will flag any comment anti one ship or person or another if its plain hateful or rude. I just want to understand it and see what Im missing, esp because of how much I was looking forward to her arc and jonerys’ dynamic and how much the words “falling short” dont seem to cover it. And to see if im not the only one to either have critique on the ship or her character [or even actually change ships] Also i apologize for how much ive said “IDK” i just..... I DONT KNOW 

[itcowcer]

Subject: Pumpkin Patch

Subject: Pumpkin Patch

Paul Holland paulyh@gmail.net 2:05 AM (6 hours ago) to Mark

Heeeeey Mark!

So I know it's been a while, and I wanted to give you a quick heads-up on what’s going on and why I haven’t sent any drafts in recent history. Let's be real, it’s been months. But I want you to know that I haven't just been laying around over here, and that I do have something planned to give to you. It's just not ready yet. Sorry :( Now I'm not trying to tease you; I've hit a wall. What I do have is a bunch of source materials which (I hope) will prove to you that I'm building something, potentially pretty big, for my next novel. That's Right!!!! I've been researching Mark!!!! Who would've thought I knew how. Anyways, I thought this might tide you over until the rough draft or, at the most, spur you to send some seed money..... ;) You will find the sources in the subsequent attachments to this email. I think they kind of speak for themselves, but if you need me to elaborate on what I'm thinking just shoot me a message and I will give you deets.

Pleasure as always [?]

Paul

Paul Holland paulyh@gmail.net 2:56 AM (5 hours ago) to Mark

Whoops! I forgot to attach the sources in that last message. Oh well, I will take better care to attach them this time. I figure I should go ahead and let you know what's going through my head right now, just so we are on the same page. First off, all of this is real. All of this stuff has apparently occurred or is currently occurring, and I've been able to pick up more bits and pieces the longer I've stayed in town (hence the long turn around). Where am I? I don't particularly want to tell you. For that reason I've redacted some information which might clue you into my whereabouts. I'm sure with a certain amount of cyber- sleuthing you'd be able to pinpoint my location, as some of the major points I just cannot change. However by that point I figure it will be too much work for you anyways. DO NOT COME AFTER ME! This story is too good for me to pass up on. I'm only messaging you as a courtesy, and to let you know that I haven't forgotten the money I owe you. I will hopefully be able to pay you back with this novel's completion.

Now onto content. I found this story, of all places, in the newspaper. Yeah it was this grotesque murder which had all of the city community in a hubbub. It was strange too, like ritualistic and such. I've included the short blurb I found in the newspaper, it should be the 3rd attachment. Of course I saved it. I wasn't sure where to go next with my writing and everyone loves true crime or at least a good murder mystery. Then, in the next week, I saw a couple other odd articles (I have attached them as well). One is a letter of resignation from one of the news paper's journalists, due to some kind of journalist ethical concern. Apparently he hasn’t been heard of since. Like completely disappeared. For some reason I was sure that the initial murder, and the later disappearance were related, though I couldn't figure how.

This forced me to dig a little further and I think what I found is captivating at least. Even if I'm grasping at straws I think it tells a compelling narrative, and might sell. I found a small interview, written by the Journalist that disappeared, in regards to a cultural movement within the city. As it turns out this place has a long history of creepy shit, like underground slave prisons, civil war ghosts, a history of catastrophic fires, train accidents, macabre poets, dilapidated asylums turned apartment complexes, and even a vampire legend. No kidding! The guy is entombed down at this old cemetery that overlooks the river. Well the interview is with a member of this group of artists, all of whom were trying to keep this inherent creepiness a part of the city's culture. Though she went by a code name, as all members of Pumpkin Patch do to remain anonymous (in this case kittykat666(=^.^=). I believed that she was the victim in the murder. Having contacted the victim’s parents, I asked if they knew anything about the group Pumpkin Patch. Only the mother would respond, with an invitation to meet with her. Though the meeting was brief, she gave me a series of her daughter's journal entries, a forwarded set of emails between her and her daughter on the topic, and permission to use these things in publishing my next book, so long as I didn't use her daughter's name.

 The first attachment is the newspaper interview with kittykat666(=^.^=) It describes really well what the group is about, and how it operates, and it shows you where I'm leaning for main characters (the girl and the journalist). I think it introduces everything well. The second is the girl's journal entries (at least the ones I've deemed relevant). All of these pertain to Pumpkin Patch and they really get you to see who this poor girl was and how she got sucked into this whole mess. The next attachment is the first article blurb I found, the one that describes the murder. The fourth attachment is the letter of resignation from the journalist who interviewed “Kat”. I figure I will just forward those emails that the mother sent to me. There aren't many of them, however there is some character building stuff there. You can see the loving family “Kat” and her mother had before. They also show how the two found Pumpkin Patch. Sorry in advance, the mother has no clue of grammar. I have also included one last attachment, which is unnerving and chilling when you understand how the group finds its inspiration. It's a series of screen shots I took from the group’s auction site. Here, they post a bunch of their work for buyers. They had just posted a new auction when I checked out the site page. Pay attention to the groups shared theme in the artwork.

Whew! That was a lot for an email! Let me know what you think! Paul

Paul Holland paulyh@gmail.net 2:59 AM (5 hours ago) to Mark

-_____-

Paul

Attachment 1, Attachment 2, Attachment 3, Attachment 4, Attachment 5 

 Paul Holland paulyh@gmail.net 3:08 AM (5 hours ago) to Mark

Weird. Someone just rang the door bell to my apartment. I went to go check and no one was there. I'm a little unnerved, especially given what I've just sent you (that subject matter which is still fresh in my mind). I'm not entirely sure it's nothing, but realistically it’s probably nothing so I'm going to get these emails to you and then cool off. Here you go,

Paul

forwarded message

From: [************] To: paulyh@gmail.net Cc: Sent: [, * *** **** ::**] Subject: opportunities ;)

Hey Kit Kat i hope everything is going better. i know that finding friends can be rough in college but im sure there are a ton of great clubs over there. Just get off your little butt and look!!!! :p only teasing. Also your father should be put that money back into ur college fund. Evidently he needed to buy his new gal pal a car lol. The man's no good! Either way i will make sure everything is all set, u just worry about school work and meeting people and HAVING FUN!!! Let me know if you need anything, im just a phone call away!!!

Love, Mom

. . .

Resp:opportunities ;)

Thanks Mom. Everything is fine, I was just a little worried because the tuition bill is overdue and it needs to be paid in order for me to sign up for classes next semester. He's buying her a CAR!!!!! SMH! SMDH! But my classes are going well. I actually turned in my first couple of paintings and the professor really liked them. He told me I thought out of the box, already had a unique style, and that I should keep pushing myself. He said that I might run into trouble when we start doing other forms, but that he'd help me if I need it. I thought that the class wouldn't like my work or be weirded out, but all in all I got good responses and helpful critiques. Some people in my class invited me to hangout, idk I might go.

. . .

Resp:resp:opportunities ;)

Oh kitty thats great! im glad your classes are going well. And you should SPEND TIME WITH THOSE CLASSMATES!!! Jeeesh!!! Also i am not sure what SMH stands for. i tried to think but cant. :( i did some looking because i knew u wouldnt and i found a club that you might enjoy. They are artists in the area who have auction events, have group meetings and they seem to do a lot in the area. it might be the kind of thing to set u on an art career, if thats what u want to do. i just happened to hear about them and i looked up their site. A lot of their work looks right up ur alley! There is a submission section on their page, and maybe u can send in some of you drawings? i was surprised by how much they were selling for, and i think a lot of ur work is better. I will send you the link. There called the Pumpkin Patch. Thats kinda cute!

Love ya! Mom

. . .

Resp:resp:resp:opportunities ;)

Yeah I'll look it up and send something in. I'll also try hanging out with my class, I'm not sure what we will be doing. Thank you for everything. Love you Too! P.s. SMH is Shaking My Head.

forwarded message

From: [************] To: paulyh@gmail.net Cc: Sent: [, * *** **** ::**] Subject: Pumpkin Patch

Remember that group you were talking about? Pumpkin Patch. I submitted one of my works and it got accepted. I think you'd remember the one, it had that spider made out of sewing needles and thimbles, strung up in a wire web, the one that I got an award for in school. The group admin sent me an email and wanted to know why I wanted to join the group so I kinda bullshitted an answer and I guess they liked it. I'm supposed to go to a meeting with them, however I have to wear a mask and create an artist name which is kind of weird. I guess they want all the artists to be anonymous even to each other. I told them that that made me uncomfortable, but they assured me that the meeting will be on campus. I'm going to see what it is and drop it if its too sketch. I guess most meetings are online, but bimonthly meetings are in person.

. . .

Resp:Pumpkin Patch

Kit Kat. Idk this sounds a little scary. i wish i had known all that before i sent you the link. Be careful there are a lot of weirdos out there and i dont want u to get hurt. u are a grown women and i hope you will use you best discretion. There is always your classmates, and maybe starting a group with them would be better for you. How did that go with them? I expect you to call me soon.

Be safe, Mom

. . .

Resp:resp:Pumpkin Patch

Please don't freak out but I ended up going to that meeting. It was cool though. We kind of just sat around, discussing what the next theme will be, what scary movies we like that kind of thing. We also planned a little get together at a museum. There are a couple other girls there so I think it's fine. I kind of know one of the people in the group too, although I'm not supposed to. He was actually one of the guys I hung out with last week. He's not in my art class but he is a year above us so everyone knows him. He sort of let it slip that he was in the Pumpkin Patch when we were all hanging out. He assured me that it wasn't going to be weird and that the mask thing was more like a gimmick than anything else, to make the group interesting. That night with my class was fun too, we just sat around a fire pit talking, eating hot dogs, sharing stories. Somebody had a guitar and they all started singing these old songs. They are a good group. I'm going to spend time with them again.

. . .

Resp:resp:resp:Pumpkin Patch

Well im glad that you had a good time. Just remember to be careful, and that u dont have to do anything u dont want to, and CALL YOUR MOTHER. Also im glad you met some nice people. Is there anyone I should be meeting anytime soon? ;)

Please call, I worry Mom

forwarded message

From: [************] To: paulyh@gmail.net Cc: Sent: [, * *** **** ::**] Subject: What's Up!!!

Hello Kathryn? Im not sure if you remember me, however im YOUR MOTHER! What's been going on? u haven't called me in a while. I hope you've started thinking about housing for next year. Dont worry about the price its all being paid for by ur father. Also I see that you have another exhibition thingy coming up with your Pumpkin Patch. Im thinking about coming down and rooting u on, seeing as u failed to mention the last one. What do you think?

. . .

Resp:What's Up!!!

Yeah I've been looking at some places. Some friends and I are thinking about getting an apartment together a little off campus. I will let you know what we find. Also that first exhibition wasn't a big thing, and I didn't think you'd want to miss work for it. This next one's not a big deal either and I'm not even going to be there, we aren't supposed to associate with or present our work in order to retain the whole aura of mystery. We can still check it out if you want, we just can't let anyone know that I'm a collaborating artist. Also I can't tell you which work is mine, sorry. :/ We can go to this nice little french restaurant after. I just went there recently with a close friend of mine, it just might be my favorite place in town now :3. Let me know when you're in the area.

forwarded message

From: [************] To: paulyh@gmail.net Cc: Sent: [, * *** **** ::**] Subject: New Exhibition

Hey Mom, I know that there is another exhibition coming up, however I'd prefer that you didn't come to this one. I had fun last time, it's just that I don't think I'd be comfortable with you being there. Also I've decide to leave the group. I just didn't like where it was going and it didn't feel the same as when we first started. That's part of the reason why this latest exhibition would be no good. Also things are falling through at the apartment so I'm trying to find another one for the rest of the semester. I'll send you the places I've found. So far the rent will only be slightly more expensive. Also my roommates already have someone lined up to sublet so we don't have to worry about paying for two places. I will call you soon, and I love you.

Kat

Mark Gergich mgergich@gmail.net 7:13 AM (1 hour ago) to Paul

Paul,

I just read through everything you’ve emailed me. The forwards, the attachments... everything. Paul Pick up the phone, let me know where you are, I am concerned. I think you may have stumbled onto something that needs to be taken care of by the police. Please Paul. Do not write this book. Don't worry about debts you think you owe me, I'm not worried about that I just want you to come out of this safely without a target on your back. You need to STOP writing this book.

Your friend and publisher, Mark

Paul Holland paulyh@gmail.net 8:06 AM (3 Minutes ago) to Mark

Mark,

He says I can’t.

Paul

[alienvirals]

Alien: Covenants Katherine Waterston: We live in hypersexualised yet totally prudish times

The actor following in the footsteps of Sigourney Weaver has been dubbed the new Ripley

Ripley, the indomitable action hero played by Sigourney Weaver in the Alien series, may have hung up her flamethrower for good, but the franchises latest prequel, Alien: Covenant, features a convincing replacement in the form of tough cookie Daniels, played by Katherine Waterston. The 37-year-old actor got her breakthrough role as the enigmatic Shasta Fay in Paul Thomas Andersons fuzzy comic thriller Inherent Vice and was last seen sporting a cloche hat and brandishing a wand as Tina in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

In person, she cuts a jaunty, unassuming figure. She saunters into the room in white trainers and navy trousers, red socks visible in the gap between them: a black tank-top partially conceals a white T-shirt. She is tomboyish and tall, like Ally Sheedy on stilts, so that when she folds her long legs under her chair, she looks exaggeratedly S-shaped. Dealing with the weight of expectation from Alien fans hasnt been too intense, she says, nibbling on a pain aux raisins. The way I looked at it with this and Fantastic Beasts was that it was like being recruited on to a sports team. Theres a devotion from these fans who are just excited for the next game. They arent sat there thinking: Youd better not let me down, Waterston!

Alien: Covenant trailer: Ridley Scott returns with sci-fi thriller

Rumours suggested that Daniels would be Ripleys mother and, whatever the truth, there are resemblances. Both are rational women transformed by circumstance into gun-toting warriors. Both are shown at some point in singlets, or clomping around in magnetic boots, and each has a problematic relationship with a synthetic colleague. The only shortfall comes in the area of the catchphrase, where Danielss multiple efforts (including I got you, you son-of-a-bitch and Lets kill this fucker!) are no match for Ripleys emphatic: Get away from her, you bitch!

Most strikingly, the first note Waterston has to play in the new film is outright panic when technical problems wake her prematurely from hypersleep. The second is grief. Its like slamming on the brakes before anyone has the chance to buckle their seat belts. I didnt know how I would play it or how I could get there, but thats always the most appealing thing to me. The insecurity is exciting. Maybe Im also curious about testing my ability. She widens her eyes. Seeing if its still there.

Although Daniels is treading in Ripleys footsteps, or, given that Covenant is set 20-odd years before Alien, forging the path that Ripley will follow, Waterston didnt talk to Weaver about the part. But the two women have a distant connection. When Waterston was starting out as an actor, she got her first lead role in a play at The Flea, a New York theatre co-founded by Weavers husband, Jim Simpson. Sigourney came to see it and said something like: You were good. Nothing extraordinary. But when someone like her says that, you hang on to it for years. When I got this job, I thought immediately of that moment.

Waterston is big on the idea of all actors as an extended clan, perhaps unsurprisingly for someone whose siblings are in the business, and whose father is Sam Waterston, the veteran from The Killing Fields, Crimes and Misdemeanors and the TV hit Law and Order. Her mother is the former model Lynn Louisa Woodruff. Acting is a community where you come in and out of each others lives. Im slightly envious of the golden age of Hollywood. It must have been frustrating to be owned by the studio, but it was also like being in a company, working with the same people, and that appeals to me.

Working On Alien: Covenant, she was reunited with Carmen Ejogo (Fantastic Beasts) and Michael Fassbender, with whom she shared some fraught scenes in Steve Jobs, as well as her old chum Billy Crudup. At one point during our conversation, she leaps up and yanks open the door in response to voices outside. Billy Crudup, will you shut the fuck up? she hollers down the hallway. Im trying to focus!

Crudup sidles into view. What you doing for dinner tonight, he purrs. You want to join us? Me and Danny McBride? You should be so lucky! What larks. Of course, its entirely possible that she could have put on a more vivid display of her need to cultivate actorly intimacy than bounding out of the room to accost a colleague. Possible, yes, but not likely.

She first saw Crudup when she was 15 in a Broadway production of Tom Stoppards Arcadia, which she now credits with confirming in her mind her acting ambitions. It was the thing that clicked me over to that next level of curiosity. Clicked? You know when youre going up at the start of the rollercoaster and its going click-click-click towards the summit? Id had the initial idea of wanting to act but I didnt know how I could do it.

Even though her dad is an actor? I know! Isnt that weird? On a rollercoaster, theres an inevitability about whats going to happen next.

Did acting feel that way? Yes. Even though I wasnt sure how it would come about, I knew it would.

Determined to distinguish herself from her family, she eschewed performing as a teenager. Didnt appear in so much as a school play. Photography was her bag. I loved the darkroom. Its a good place for an angsty teenager. Her favourite picture is one she took while visiting her father on location in Dublin. Its of this drunk gambler at the racetrack, totally loaded, who had climbed into a tree to get a better view of the horses. She smiles sadly. I cant imagine having the guts to do that now. I wonder sometimes if Ive got in the habit of only being courageous when someone else has written the words I have to say.

Inherent Vice trailer: watch Joaquin Phoenix in the first look at Paul Thomas Andersons Thomas Pynchon adaptation

No one who gave the sort of performance that Waterston did in Inherent Vice should be in any hurry to sell herself short. Shasta Fay appears in only a couple of scenes but her presence permeates the film; she is the personification of its riddles. Attention at the time focused disproportionately on one scene in which Waterston lies naked across the lap of her ex-lover, played by Joaquin Phoenix, and invites him to spank her. One journalist asked if Joaquin left red marks on my butt, she recalls incredulously. I wish Id said: I dont remember but Ill tell you what bend over and Ill spank you as hard as I can and well see what happens.

We live in such hypersexualised yet totally prudish times. People have this expectation about everyone elses relationship to their own bodies. Surely you must have shame about your body? Surely whats scariest for you as actor would be to stand in a room naked? Believe me, Ive been in so many more terrifying situations as a performer than that. This was working with people I trusted in a scene that was rich and complex and there was so much to do there that I hardly even thought about that thing that seems to be all everyone could talk about. Theyre just hoping Ill say: Oh, I was so scared that day and then I drank a few shots of whisky and I felt better. She gives a mighty roll of the eyes.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them trailer: Eddie Redmayne in Harry Potter spinoff video

After Inherent Vice wrapped, she was convinced she would become known as the first actor to be bad in an Anderson movie. That period between finishing the film and opening night is agonising. Thats part of why actors go from job to job so they dont have to live with the anxiety in the interim.

As if to prove that, she has already shot another three pictures since Alien: Covenant, including Steven Soderberghs Logan Lucky opposite Channing Tatum, and is about to start Fantastic Beasts 2.

Having likened acting to a sports team and a rollercoaster, she saves her most conflicted analogy for last. Ive heard this is how cults brainwash people, she says. You wake up and you go to conferences that go on all day and then youre so exhausted that you sleep, and then you get up and do it again the next day. Thats what its like making movies. Youre up before dawn, you collapse at night and then you do it all over again until theres no room for anything else in your brain.

Alien: Covenant is released in Australia today, in the UK on 12 May, and the US on 19 May.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

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[go-diane-winchester]

5 Reasons why Supernatural is not queer baiting [and is not stuck in the closet]

Interpretation of any piece of art and literature is one of the fun aspects of being human.  You use your imagination to analyze a loved work from every angle so as to increase your pleasure of said work.  However, if you present your interpretation as if it is a fact, and it results in harassment, bullying and threats for actors involved in a show, then it becomes a problem.  Why do some fans accuse Supernatural of queer baiting, whilst others are vehemently opposed?  Why is it not a universal argument in fandom?  It is because the former don't admit that their interpretations are just that: interpretation.  Bi Dean arguments have no basis in canon, and proponents of Bi Dean in fact refuse to acknowledge canonical oppositions to their interpretations.  The vehement opposers of Bi Dean actually respect canon.  Truth is universal and canon is truth. 

1.  Dean was not born from gratuitously bisexual inspiration

As a fiction writer myself, I know that an original character is not easy to put together.  You have to do a character analysis [I believe in using a homemade template, myself], character background [because it should shape what the character becomes in the current canon] and formulation of their physical attributes as well as wardrobe.  I, in fact, include things like medical history and diet choices in my own template to get a feel for the character that I want.  But every writer is different and chooses a different approach.  Eric Kripke had a clear idea of what he wanted his characters to be.

For the character personalities

Kripke wanted them to be like Han Solo and Luke Skywalker.  Han Solo was a cavalier renegade who had no respect for authority and fits in with Dean's overall personality.  Dean doesn't care if he is talking to an FBI agent, a priest or even his own father.  If you say something wrong, he will correct you and he has done that in canon.  If you have given him a reason to hate you, trust Dean to let you know, right to your face.  Dean doesn't kiss up to authority.  He is the quintessential bad boy. 

Luke Skywalker is the polar opposite of Han.  He does things by the book.  He wears his heart on his sleeve and shows more empathy and emotion than his counterpart Han.  Sam is all of this and, like Luke, gives off an air of innocence, and sporadically the viewer feels the need to protect him because of said innocence.  Despite the fact that Sam has grown up and out of his chocolate boy features,  he still remains the quintessential good boy. 

There are many tropes at play here that fiction writers cling to.  The polar opposite trope is favored because it provides room for friction.  Imagine how Supernatural would be, if Dean and Sam just agreed with each other all the time.  It would make for bland viewing.  Sometimes they are on the same page.  Some times they aren't.  Polarizing characters make for more vivid story telling and [particularly in our fandom] forces you to pick a side.  In other words, it keeps you invested in the characters.  The polar opposite trope can also be used for two enemies who are stuck in the same situation.  And in some cases, one of them is the overall baddie in the story.  It is not just a friendship trope.

Another well known trope that is being used here, is the much-loved buddy formula.  The buddy formula is used by a lot by screenwriters, because it is so popular with audiences, and can share similarities with the polar opposite trope.  Essentially the buddy formula contains two characters and even though they may be polar opposites, they tend to have a deep affection for each other.  Cagney and Lacey, Riggs and Murtaugh, Thelma and Louis and finally, Sam and Dean are example thereof. 

At this juncture, I would like to laughingly point out that Bi Dean advocates will cling to Thelma and Louis as proof of bi dean, because of the possible lesbian subtext.  Stop right there.  I watched Thelma and Louis, and I felt that they were fed up friends, almost sisters who didn't want to live in the world any more.  I didn't see any subtext.  If you did, good for you.  It increases your viewing pleasure.  However, as a straight woman, I have my own interpretation and it is just as significant as yours.  Hilariously, Sam and Dean have referred to themselves as Thelma and Louis.  So you cant use that to proof Dean is bi, because essentially you will be proving wincest. 

The difference between the buddy formula and the polar opposite trope is the affection that is inherently mixed into the buddy formula.  Buddies are more affectionate with each other.  In one of the Lethal Weapon movies, Riggs walks into Murtaugh's kitchen, plants a kiss on Mrs Murtaugh's cheek, walks up to Murtaugh and nonchalantly plants a kiss on his cheek as well, before going to raid the food storage.  Murtaugh doesn't react negatively.  That scene was added for many reasons but there are two important reasons:  [1] to show the affection between the two, which is platonic [2] to get a laugh out of the audience by showing how irritatingly unaware Riggs is, that Murtaugh is angry with him. 

Murtaugh even ''sensed'' that Riggs was drowning and saved him, telling Riggs ''I heard you, Riggs.  I heard you, baby.''  Yes, that is an actual line from Lethal Weapon and it proves that they love each other.  How you perceive their love is up to you.  Affectionate name calling is used in the buddy formula and is also apparent in Sam and Dean's interaction as well. 

Is Cas an affectionate shortening of the name Castiel?  Both Dean and Sam call him Cas?  Maybe.  Or it maybe because the name Castiel doesn't syllabically roll off the tongue.  It's an ancient name and for modern day Sam and Dean, saying the full name is verbally cumbersome.  So they opted for Cas.  If the shortening of the name means Dean is in love with Cas, then it easily means Sam is in love with Cas too.  Oddly, despite the character name of Samuel being shortened to Sam, by Dean so it will roll of the tongue during a conversation, Dean actually adds a syllable and called him Sammy out of affection.  So for Sammy, the ''name is too long and cumbersome'' excuse flies out the window.  Sammy gets used even when Dean is in a hurry, angry or affectionate.  It is a part of his personal lexicon.     

For the character backdrop

Part of Kripke's logline for Supernatural and its backdrop included “Star Wars in truck stop America,”.  Another trope comes into play here:  the fish out of water.  In earlier seasons, the studious and preppy Sam clashed with the dustbowl Americana surroundings and its people.  Dean fit in.  Dean is salt of the earth.  Sam is more aware of the world beyond the dustbowl Americana because he is an intellectual.  Another part of the logline was ''X Files meets Route 66''.  Route 66 is about two guys [Todd, the Yale graduate good boy and Buz, the street smart fighter bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks]  who go on a road trip across North America, encountering and solving social problems along the way, while trying to find a place to settle and find how they themselves fit into their world.  Kripke picked very accurate loglines for Supernatural, because Todd and Buz are exactly like Sam and Dean.  But they had names that Kripke didn't like.  I don't blame him. 

For the character names  

Bi Dean advocates always use the name Dean as being proof of Bi Dean.  Kripke chose both the names of his main characters from Jack Kerouac's Beat Generation classic On the road.  it is not an LGBT classic.  It was a universal classic that just happened to have a bisexual character.  The characters were Dean Moriarty and Sal Paradise.  That is all he took from the work.  He didn't take the road trip idea from On the road.  He took it from Route 66.  Even the polarizing characters were taken from Route 66.  All he took was the names, and even then, he wasn't happy with Sam's previous name so he changed one alphabet.  He took nothing else.  And that is the one thing Bi Dean advocates cling to.  There is no unique similarity between On the road and Supernatural.  Or between Dean Winchester and Dean Moriarty, for that matter, other than one character sharing a name with another.  

Don't dig into Kerouac's character's backstory to try and prove that Dean from Supernatural is bi, whilst ignoring the backstory of Supernatural own formulation.  That is called over reaching, and some fans use this unsteady theory to threaten the leads and plant accusations of bigotry.  Jensen has received online abuse for this and his reputation is completely tarnished with accusations of homophobia.     

2.  Castiel's wardrobe choice does not reflect on Dean's sexual orientation

I remember watching a scene from That's 70's Show, where Fez confessed to having an erotic dream about Kelso.  Kelso is shocked and declares ''Do you know what this means?  Its means I'm gay''.  This fandom is proof, that Kelso is not unique in his stupidity.  Our fandom has a rich supply of ignorance, conveniently shrouded in social justice, so that when you successfully contradict them, they can just call you a bigot and quieten you down. 

For Castiel, Kripke only took wardrobe inspiration from John Constantine, a famous bisexual character.  That is it.  He took nothing else.  Trenchcoats are wardrobe items and not a sign of an individual's sexuality.  Constantine was bisexual.  Columbo was straight but also wore a trenchcoat.  There is no unique similarity between Castiel and Constantine.  Constantine is a man, an occult detective, a humanitarian and is best known for his sarcasm.  Does that sound like Castiel to you?  Castiel is an angel [a very useless one], a killer of many innocent people, a displacer of angels and very rarely says something mildly sarcastic.  And if the trench coat makes Castiel bi, how does that reflects on Dean? 

3.  Castiel's sexual orientation is not complex, neither is it reflective of Dean's sexuality

Castiel is not human, and therefore is not shackled by human limitations.  He is not even a ''he''.  He doesn't have any preferences, nor does he canonically have any sexual desire except for Meg, whom he willingly kissed.  But that might be borne out of his love for her and her relentless pursuit of him.  His bond with Meg was not sexual.  When he became human, sexual desire awoken in him and he slept with a woman merely because she hit on him and he was curious.    But he doesn't do that in his angel state.  He doesn't seek out sex in his angel state because he has no human, physical desire.  Canonically, he doesn't even have a soul, so how he and Dean can be seen as soul mates baffles me.  Nobody else has relentlessly pursued Castiel accept Meg.  Dean hasn't.  Dean kicked him out of the bunker despite the fact that he was vulnerable because Sam's host Gadreel had a problem with him.  Dean doesn't love Castiel, nor does Dean pursue him.  He looks for Sammy when Sammy is missing, but doesn't do that for Castiel.  Dean doesn't sympathize with Castiel's pain, even telling Castiel once ''nobody cares that you are broken''.

4.  Dean cannot, textually, be interpreted as a bisexual unless you relinquish common sense  

Most of the canon examples of bi dean can easily be explained away. 

Dean is not giving Charlie flirting pointers because he has hit on men before.  He is himself a man, and know what he wants to hear from a woman and what would get him interested or distracted.  By the end of the scene, both Dean and Charlie who like women and not men, felt dirty.  And Sammy laughed through the whole thing because he knew how uncomfortable his brother was.  Because Sammy, who was raised by Dean, knows his brother.  Dean wont keep his bisexuality from Sam, because he has no reason to.  Sam is not narrow-minded.

In the context of this scene, when Castiel just berated Dean, only a true intellectual maverick is going to think that Dean is inviting Castiel to a impromptu session of fellatio.  Because that would make sense for the whole vessel scene, wouldn't it, geniuses.  For people, who are not soaked in delusion, Dean is countering Castiel's berating with disrespect because he is angry.  I cant believe this needs to be explained because ''blow me'' is a popular colloquial slang, used to insult someone.  Have none of the bi dean advocates ever heard that term before?  Do they think ''scr*w yourself'' means ''Go and masturbate right now''?  Which rock to they live under?

Dean is not flirting with the sheriff here.  He is drunk.  There is a reason, a drunk person's testimony doesn't fly in court.  You don't take a drunk person seriously.  The deputy isn't flirting back either.  He is just amused by the compliment which he didn't earn or deserve.  He even asks Sam beforehand if the other ''agent'' is drunk.  He is probably amused by a drunk, anxious agent hanging around the station.

The gif is wrong.  He didn't say hi.  He said doctor.  I am touchy about this one because Jensen got a death threat over it.  The idea that a man can only be a fan of a male celebrity because he wants to sleep with the male celebrity, is completely insulting and a failure to understand male psychology.  Dean's flustered facial expression here is used for two reasons.  [1]  that is how some fans, both male and female behave, and [2] its hilarious to watch Dean fanboying.  This is a humor device and nothing else.  Even blushing is not a sign of attraction.  If your teacher compliments your work in front of the entire class, and you blush, does it mean that you are in love with Mrs Haggerty from Science Lab? 

Ah, the birth of Performing!Dean.  Performing!Dean doesn't exist.  He has no reason to.  Because Dean has no motivation to stay in the closet and hide his supposedly feminine bisexual self behind a toxic masculine façade.  Sam is not giving us clues of Dean's bisexuality.  He is taunting his big brother because that is what obnoxious little brothers do.  Remember, the hotelier thought that they both were gay.  Sam only picked on Dean here, because only Dean has an issue with it.  He isn't a homophobe but a proud straight man. 

Dean doesn't care about the human state of the world.  He doesn't care about human issues like racism, sexism and the lgbt.  He will categorize you as a human being and protect you, if you gave him a reason to.  Exactly like Jensen.  He doesn't care how you look, which way you swing, and how you pray.  If you give him a reason to like you, he will like you.  If you give him a reason to hate you, he will hate you.  Dean will only care if you are useful to him in his hunt.  The hunt is his life and his motivation to hunt is Sam and keeping Sam close and safe.  Dean is not pro or anti anything.  If you are human, you matter.  That is why de-graced is left out of hunts, because without any power, Cas is ''basically a baby in a trenchcoat'', in other words, utterly useless to them.  But if Sam's wall breaks, hold the phone. 

He doesn't judge your sexual orientation.  He has worked with gay and bi people before, like Charlie and the gay hunting couple. So he is not  a bigot.  However he isn't used to men hitting on him.  He almost throws up because the Chief from the BDSM club [Criss Angel is a douchebag] described what he is planning to do to Dean and asks for a safe word, and he is flustered by Aaron because he doesn't know how to react.  He wasn't expecting Aaron to tell that very clever lie.  He didn't bother telling Aaron he was straight.  Of course, bi Dean advocates think that is significant, and how he closed his badge is also significant. 

It is.  It shows that Dean is compassionate.  He was ready to punch Aaron in the face for following him.  But when Aaron lies about being attracted to Dean, Dean lets him down easily.  What was he supposed to say to a man he thinks he will never meet again:  ''Look dude, I am not queer.  We didn't have any moment.''  Dean quietly packs away his badge, because he realized that he brandished it at the wrong person.  Another reason is that Dean is an arrogant man when it comes to his looks and doesn't mind a compliment.  So he isn't going to break the heart of the person complimenting him.  He is compassionate but he has an ego.  That is why he was disappointed that Aaron had successfully fooled him by inflating his ego.  Because he did it so easily and Dean must have wanted to kick himself for falling for it. 

Dean being born in the Bible Belt of America means nothing.  His father was an atheist.  He was too, until he came face to face with an angel.  He acknowledges the Divine exists, but he believes in free will.  He spent most of his life, traipsing around America.  Its not like he stuck it out in the Bible belt area.  He has no religious reason to be in the closet.  He raised Sam and Sam isn't a bigot, so Sam wont have a problem with him being bisexual.  Dean has no motivation to hide himself from Sam because, in many ways, Sam is his child and knows him.  If Dean was bi, Sam would have figured it out.

Dean is sexually not a vanilla person when it comes to sex, and despite where he was born, he is a sexually outspoken, kinky, loudmouth who admits to wearing his date's underwear, not because he is feminine, but because he is a kinky little dirt bag who will do anything the date says, so he can close the deal with her.  Wearing her underwear is not proof that he is bisexual, because there are bisexual men who don't wear women's clothing and this is insulting to them.

5.  Dean and Castiel do not make a better couple than any of their love interests

Castiel had only one genuine love interest.  Meg.  And this union between two polar opposite characters in human vessels, is certainly more compelling than the blank stares that Dean and Castiel shared until their screen time decreased, much to Jensen's happiness.  Meg took care of Castiel despite being a demon.  Dean kicked Castiel out of the bunker for Sam's benefit.  Meg pursued Castiel.  Dean let Castiel to swop places mentally with Sam, so Sam could leave the asylum, safe and healthy, whilst Castiel remained in the asylum, broken and damaged.  He never pursued Castiel or took care of him. 

Dean only had one girlfriend.  And she was Cassie.  The name Cassie does not foreshadow destiel.  Cassie didn't work out because she was far too involved in worldly things like racism and he cared about the supernatural world.  She was an intellectual and he was a high school drop out.  She is actually a lot like Sam, and they would actually make sense as a couple.  Dean never loved Lisa.  Canonically, he only shacked up with her, because Sam forced him.  And when Lisa realized that, she let him go. 

Castiel and Dean don't make sense as a couple because Castiel has lied to Dean about many things.  There are some things he hasn't come clean about, to Sam and Dean, e.g. opening up the Panic Room door and letting Sam free.  He used the mixed tape to double cross Dean, so the mixed tape is a proof of Castiel's betrayal.  It is not proof of destiel.  The whole Leviatian affair is Castiel's fault.  And although Dean does take Castiel like a brother, canonically, he wont sell his soul for Castiel, like he did for Sammy.  Using slowed down gifs of Dean and Cas staring blankly at each other, doesn't proof that Dean is bisexual.  Every time Dean stares at a man, its doesn't mean he is attracted to that person. 

The show is not queer baiting you by leaving subtextual easter eggs in the frame.  They don't have time for that.  Because they average one episode a week.  They are working at a break neck speed.  They don't have the time to indulge fannish nonsense.  Everyone associated with the show have said that Dean is not bi.  I don't mind you interpreting, but when you force it on Jensen and threaten him when he doesn't like it, you are being a vile and disgusting predatory beast.  The only person who is reinforcing destiel [and by extension Bi dean] and queer baiting you is Misha Collins.  Go take it up with him.

[shawnjacksonsbs]

Prioritize your courage. It is one of the truly great qualities of a struggling mind.  12-8-19

"Those who lack the courage will always find a philosophy to justify it." - Albert Camus I have to remember, just like Green Day said, "Everyone's heart doesn't beat the same." Therefore we all have to keep time with ourselves. You know to set your own beat, then make it count. What if, now hear me out, what if . . . Empathy is a skill set? Unlike compassion. You can have compassion and show compassion and never feel a god damned thing as far as emotions. Anyone can feel compassion if they choose to. Most simply learn to not feel guilt about something because the means justify their end. Ignorance is bliss remember? Google said it best; "The Difference Between Compassion and Empathy. ... Compassion is the ability to feel for another living being. Empathy is the ability to not only understand another's feelings, but also to become one with that person's distress… to put yourself in their shoes and imagine what they're going through in that situation." It's a fucking skill set that most people need practice in, some more than others. And just like with all skill, it can be honed, fine-tuned if you will and the more you do, or have, the easier it is to see and feel from the other side. There are those who are prodigies, natural experts if you will. Like they just get it from day one, but not most of us. It's a learned behavior and mental state. On the flip side, there are those unfortunates that just will never get it. They will just never quite grasp in full what empathy is, even if they try. I've been wondering a lot lately about those with this inability. Maybe it's inherent. Maybe it's truly not their fault. I'm standing on the fence with this, because . .man . . It would explain so much into what's wrong with some people in the world today, in my world these days. Lol Is it a character flaw if it cant be addressed by the individual? My heart is only as full as it is because of my learned ability to see deeper into what makes a person do and feel as they do. If you think about it, it makes sense right? Have you ever driven by a fence and said to yourself, " whoever built that fence isn't a fencer." or "homeowner's special"? (Maybe the fence part is just me, but you get the point. Lol) That's because the people who built it aren't as good at that skillset. Mind you, most people could be with time and practice. But if I'm honest with myself this probably isn't true per se, but in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul, I almost wish it was the case. To ease the burden of knowing that there are people out there who just choose not to try and care. I thought it's what life was really about. You know, others. I'm glad I found my way to where I am today. Grateful doesn't begin to express how I truly feel about it. It's kinda hard to truly appreciate something if you don't understand the depths of both sides. The real negative effects of something feel different if you see or feel it first hand. Outta sight outta mind is a real thing. That's the biggest problem with the world today I think, and it's not naive to want the light to win but it is naive to think it will happen without balancing the darkness, instead of insisting that it overcome. No one, and I mean no one, understands the importance of the light like those touched by that same darkness. It takes one for the other to exist. Those of us can keep trying to push the light though, so the opposition doesn't override our humanity as a whole. Now moving on . . . Well, we had Winterfest at World's of Fun planned, tickets bought and paid for, for yesterday, but then some life happened and my girl (my slightly broken angel lol) came home from work early with pain. Enough so that we spent the evening in the emergency room. Before you worry yourself though, she is doing better and got some anti-inflammatories to help her. She is going to be just fine. And although we missed out on time with the kids and grandkids, something became extremely obvious to me while sitting in that room with her. Early on she told me I could go be with the kids because she knew this trip was going to cost us the whole evening. I, of course, said, "absolutely not". Look, it is most important for me to stay with her, and never leave her alone to deal with stuff like this because its how we do, how we're supposed to do. The why is because I love her. It is my place right here by her side. And although I missed the little ones, and they missed us, the best example for how we do is for them to know that Pawpaw's place is with Nina in times like this. Seeing them would have been great, but telling them I left Nina at a hospital not feeling well to go do, well, anything only shows them unhealthy relationship situations. And more than anything I want them to see how to treat their significant others. And what to expect from their other halves. Leaving her wasn't ever really an option, and them knowing that is almost as important as the fact that it wasn't. Makes sense right? Priorities are more important than use to be and why! Please share your love, laughter, and light with the world you live in. Together we can bring some brightness into the darkness of others. Always remember to try to be kind to each and every soul you come into contact with if possible, especially if you don't know their story yet. Until next week; "I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it.”- Maya Angelou