Rich business owner Daniel is on vacation, staying in a fancy beach resort, spending a lot of time at the beach bar and at the pool. Resort worker Max who stumbles all over himself to be around him and bring him everything he asks for (and everything he doesn't).
One night after Max has asked for the fifth time if Daniel needs anything else (he doesn't), Daniel tells him listen you're very cute but you're way too young for me and also this is your place of work, you need to lay off a bit. Everything Max hears is "you're very cute" and kind of stops listening after that, but Daniel is right, it is his place of work, so he tries to be a little less obvious.
The thing is, Daniel is on vacation with a couple of friends, but he's still kind of bored? They have a few activities planned, but mostly they just hang around and go for swims (which Max really appreciates) and he's used to be busy all day every day, so this is not exactly his thing.
On day four he ends up asking Max if he knows of anything he could do to entertain himself (Max needs to work very hard to not answer "yes, me") and Max tells him a few things and then very selfishly kindly offers himself as a guide.
Daniel says okay fuck it and they start hanging out a lot, Max driving him around to places, showing him the island and taking him to secret spots, and Daniel forgets he is not only working but also several years younger and just enjoys himself. Max is funny, hot as fuck, laughs at all his jokes and is very clearly into him, so one night they stay out a bit too late at a bar in town and Daniel gets slightly too tipsy (Max is sober since he's driving) and they end up kissing. Max uses literally every last bit of his self control to not give in when Daniel asks him if he wants to go back to his room, because Daniel is drunk and also he had told Max he had to lay off before, but does end up dragging Daniel back and if he leaves a kiss on his forehead when he lays him in bed nobody needs to know.
Daniel has sort of a freak out the day after because he thinks he took advantage of Max's kindness, staying in his room with the excuse of being hungover, but Max knocks on his door that evening bringing him dinner (that Daniel hadn't ordered) because he's a no-bullshit man.
He tells him that it's fine if Daniel doesn't want to do anything, but Max is plenty old enough to know what he wants and to know what he can and cannot do at work, so if Daniel wants to fuck him, Max is free after nine, and then he leaves as Daniel bluescreens.
At 9:30 he calls the front desk to ask about Max.
The next morning they talk about it, Daniel insists Max can't risk his job over this so they need to be discreet, but he does want to keep seeing him. Max tells him he can do whatever he wants, but they find out the secret is actually exciting, and the hidden touches and glances during the day are almost better than being able to kiss by the pool.
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your art makes me wanna start testosterone
i can't read tone well, so this is either an incredibly touching ask, or an extremely funny one, and in the absence of confirmation: both!
i'm in a chatty mood, so i'll share some thoughts about testosterone and my art.
i liked being on testosterone a lot. i had an IM injection every two weeks (on tuesdays!) and because that's a sizeable dose every 14 days that slowly disperses, it can cause some mood fluctuations (every other friday i would have a crisis about not feeling like the world had a place for me in it) but even those were far more manageable than the ones that would come with my previous and current monthly hormone cycle (every month i spend a solid week thinking the world will never have a place for me in it)
It gave me a patchy little bit of scruff on my chin and a whispy mustache under my nose that still struggles on, despite adversity!
It redistributed my fat a little bit, but that's long since gone back to pre-T shape.
it lowered my voice! that hasn't changed :^)! even if i never go back on t, that won't change. it was the thing i most wanted, and its the one i'm most grateful for. Pre-T, I didn't speak much. I'm getting better and better at talking and getting more and more comfortable communicating with people because of it.
having been off t now for 3 years, i don't pass anymore—not as a cis man, or a cis woman, certainly not as anything approximating straight. if people look at me and see anything, i'd hazard a guess that they see me as A Queer (the noun—for all it's complicated connotations).
i'm not surprised that my art might make somebody want to start testosterone! a lot of my art was made out of the aching grief that came with being kicked off of testosterone, and how neatly that loss of autonomy over my own body knits in with yamato's loss of autonomy over his own.
how my body started doing things i disliked, how i didn't have the support necessary to access the healthcare i needed—how my inability to give myself what i needed made me feel as though i were trapped inside of myself and abandoned (by both myself and the world at large)
when i write comics about yamato as a trans man, i don't take away his testosterone, because that hits a little too close to home for me. for Ninja War Town Reasons, he has plenty of access to all the HRT he could ever need and nobody questions his need for it—instead, i project my own horrors onto the way Danzō defined his identity for him as a child, the way that Kabuto and Obito dehumanize him as an adult in their war efforts, and reduce him to the thing his body holds (the Mokuton). I give him a kneejerk compulsion to dehumanize himself (out of a feeling that he has a duty to his community to do so) and I give him a slow-growing resistance to that impulse (which comes out of a feeling that the people he loves would frown upon seeing him reduce himself like that)
it's dysphoria! it's not gender dysphoria, but it's a loss of self, and a need to reclaim it. it's a war between the hollow shell of a thing he thinks he has to be, and the vibrant and messy person beneath it that he is. it's a desperate need to say "this is who i am—only i can say it"
I enjoyed HRT a lot. it was a really useful tool in helping me feel like my body was my own, that i didn't have to fight it, that we were the same entity. It's not the only tool, but it was a really good one, and one day I hope to use it again.
(as for the being off of it—it's unpleasant, but i'm enduring! being somebody who now doesn't really pass as anything has put me in a weird and interesting position, where I'm constantly having to declare myself to people, because nobody knows what to make of me on any front. they don't know if i'm a man, a woman, nonbinary, nor even what age i am (Augh!!!!) it forces me to be brave and vulnerable more than I'm comfortable with—if I tell somebody I'm a man, there's no way that they will believe I'm cis, but I'm not about to recloset myself—and I don't think I could at this point anyway.)
(there's something fascinating about the position i find myself in, and while i'd leap back on t the moment that an opportunity presented itself to do so, i do feel like i'm experiencing something interesting and important in this weird zone i find myself in)
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